#I like the format. To an extent I also like not getting new content because it gives myself the illusion-

[kyouka-supremacy]

( •_• )

#Aight I'm no marketing strategist but like. It doesn't take a genius to see on my dash everyone going #“If there's not going to be new bsd content soon I'm just gonna drop it” #I really don't get why they went for this route. Oh well. *Goes make the bsd reread announcement post I've been procrastinating on making* #random rambles #Tbh I too have found myself a little tired with bsd but also. #Idk I like the fandom. #Even if I'm not as excited about it as I used to be right now it's still something that makes me happy to interact with every day. #I like the format. To an extent I also like not getting new content because it gives myself the illusion- #I will be able to focus on studying more (lol) #Or at least dedicate myself to other projects I've been wanting to complete #And one of the main appeals of bsd to me stays how the content is widely accessible. #Like I love p/p and I definitelly love it a thosuand times more than I do b/sd. I truly love that franchise. #But besides from watching the anime it's impossible to get your hands on the extra content (manga‚ novels‚ dramas‚ stage plays‚ fanbooks) #Which left me - archivist obsessed - just frustrated #With bsd aside from very niche things (I love you pricey fanbooks... ) #Most of the main content is within reach. Man I was able to compile a magazines archive. I could have never done it with p/p #So yeah it's just. A space that fits my very specific kind of autism #Why am I even discussing this again?

[seeingivy]

fine line

actor!eren x f!reader

**part of my method acting series

content warning: mentions of SA, addiction, bad workplace environments, shitty adults - protect your peace my babies

an: one I saved sparks for the next chapter so I don't like give someone a heart attack. and brace yourself pookies. this ended up at 16k. also, lmk if the format is confusing. but any memory that's embedded between dialogue is basically being shown in the video - it just makes more sense for me to write it as a visual

songs mentioned: ever since new york by harry styles, clean by taylor swift, all of the girls you loved before by taylor swift, and fine line by harry styles

previous part linked here

--

Tell me something, tell me something You don't know nothing, just pretend you do I need something, so tell me something new Choose your words 'cause there's no antidote For this curse Oh, what's it waiting for? Must this hurt you just before you go?

Eren lets the video play for a whole minute before he abruptly reaches for the remote from your hand and stops the film from playing. The song is burning in his ears - the clip of him blowing out the candles at his tenth birthday party searing his eyes - and the increasing, immense pressure that’s been building, ever since you came back to set, comes to a head in that second. 

So much so, that he has to stop the video. Like fully, take the remote from your hands and pause the video. And when he realizes what he’s done, looking over to his side and finding your wide eyes staring at him, and he swallows the lump of shame that’s in his throat and makes his best attempts to back track. 

He’s already messing this up. Royally. 

“Right. I’m sorry, Y/N. Here.” he murmurs, placing the remote back in the space between the two of you, as he nervously interlocks his own fingers within each other. 

Eren’s mind is in a hundred places right now. Granted, he’s always been one to be stuck where he shouldn’t be, but the regret is scorching deep through him now. 

Maybe he should just tell you straight out. Or take you to Seattle now so that you could all talk about it in person. Or he could have asked Connie to stay, just so that he had some type of moral support instead of your big doe eyes waiting for answers, but-

“Are you okay, Eren?” you ask. 

Eren looks over, mustering his best peachy smile, as he shakes his head. 

“No. I’m fine! I just…had a muscle spasm…. You can play it, it’s just-” 

You squint your eyes in response to his shitty defense, which Eren was expecting, because you were always acutely aware of how Eren was feeling. He was almost convinced that you could read his mind at times, that maybe some part of how he grew up left that part of him underdeveloped, that made him so soulless and unaware when it came to other people. 

Or that really, some part of you still understood him in the way you always seemed to be able to. In a way that no one else really had. Because few could bear close to you - Lana and Connie, even Sukuna to some extent - but there was just something about you specifically that saw him exactly how he was. 

That you always knew his intentions, that he almost never had to say them to you. He never had to explain that big mess that was going on in his head because you were always filling the gap and settling it down before he could even get it out. Like there was some secret language being spoken between the two of you every time you made eye contact. 

He’d figure that this part of the two of you - he had all but demolished it the second he opened his mouth back in Seattle. But it remains whole and intact and is extremely bad for that flaring hopeful feeling that he gets when he’s around you again. 

That the two of you could return back to what you were before, in some shape or form. 

Eren sighs. 

“I’m sorry. I just…got overwhelmed for a second. You can play the video. I-I promise I won’t pause it this time.” 

Your eyes soften - and Eren’s heart twinges - as he musters a smile for you. 

“Are you okay to be watching this with me? I can always watch it alone, Eren.” 

“Yeah, I-” 

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable…granted, I’m not sure exactly what it is that I’m watching, but if this…makes you anxious than I don’t want to force you to stomach it just for me.” 

Eren’s heart twinges. That you’re still the same as he left you, so loving that it’s flowing out of you. 

“It’s not just for you. Not that I’d be opposed to doing it but-” 

Eren swallows hard. 

“I should be here, Y/N.” he murmurs. 

“Okay. Well-” 

“And you’re watching a movie. A documentary feels like…the wrong word for it? But I guess that’s what it is?” Eren murmurs. 

“A documentary?” 

Eren swallows hard. 

“Do you remember that interview you did? When you became a triple threat?” Eren asks. 

You nod. 

“This is like if I did the interview. Like songs, album, the whole thing. And if other people were involved. And-” 

“Album? You made an album, Eren?” you ask, suddenly excited at the prospect of it. 

Eren was never one to push too hard into music, since he felt that his talents clearly resided in acting. The few times that he had written something was because certain things, mainly you, had left him so inspired and your little rambligns and notes had rubbed off on him. 

And when he missed you terribly, it seemed that the only thing that seemed to remedy it in some sense was writing songs about it. Granted, Lana almost kicked him out of her house for the sad piano he always seemed to be playing, which she claims wasn’t a good influence, but it made a good backtrack for the movie. 

“Yeah, well. You’re quite the inspiration.” Eren respond. 

You roll your eyes, lightly reaching over to shove his shoulder. Except he grabs your hand right before you can, his eyes fixed on his hand all but engulfing yours. 

“I’m being serious. You-you’re the only reason that I wanted to do this. That I was able to.” Eren whispers. 

You tilt your head to the side. 

“You’ve always been like this. So…adamant on the side of talking about things. About not holding it in. I remember when you did the whole “The Man” thing with Historia you literally had me scared shitless. That people were going to put your head on a stick and start coming for you.” 

“I remember. But they didn’t and-” 

“And then you did the same thing with Lana. About Ricky - and you don’t even know the half of it when it comes to that guy. You’ve proven it to me time and time again. That maybe…talking things out is the best way to do it. And granted, I’ve taken so long to get to that point but I-” 

“It’s okay. I just-” 

“It’s not okay. I want you to know that I don’t think what I did was right in any way. I literally made the wrong decision at every turn, and hurt you because of it, and I’m so sorry that I did because you have to know that you mean-” 

Eren freezes, as you wrestle your hand out of his, and place both of your hands firmly on his shoulders. 

“Eren. Just…stop panic explaining. Let me listen first.” you murmur. 

“I know. Sorry, you’re right, I just-” 

“Don’t apologize. I’m sure this is nerve wracking in ways that I can’t understand.” you respond. 

“You’ve always understood me.” Eren murmurs, immediately regretting it the second it leaves his mouth. 

Eren watches as you smile at him, soft and all the way up to your eyes, as you let go and reach for the remote. You give him a nod as you unpause the video again to a clip of Eren. 

At his tenth birthday, blowing out the candles, while he sings in the background. 

Oh, tell me something I don't already know Oh, tell me something I don't already know Oh, tell me something I don't already know Oh, tell me something I don't already know

--

The video starts the last place you expect it. With Zeke sitting in front of the camera, hand knotted together in the same way you’ve seen Eren’s a hundred times, as he retells the story of the day his grandmother passed away when Eren was eleven and Zeke was seventeen.  

After forty-five minutes, Eren has definitively decided that he hates hospital. The anti-septic smell seems to bite at his nose, the receptionist keeps eyeing them awkwardly over the top of her desk trying to pinpoint where it is that she knows him from, and his parents and Zeke are uncharacteristically silent. 

Eren reaches for Zeke’s wrist, which Zeke welcomes with a smile, as they both nervously eye their parents at their side. Eren’s not entirely sure why - since to his understanding, his grandmother is still alive for right now - but his mom has been crying for a better half of the past day, while his dad holds down the fort and does his best efforts to keep it together. Eren appreciates the small smiles that he spares for the two of them every now and then, as they all sit quietly in the waiting room. 

Zeke taps Eren on the shoulder, gesturing for him to follow him for a walk, which Eren is all but happy to oblige in, as the two of them quietly make their way down the ward. 

“Where are we going?” 

“Cookies. They have them out for New Year’s Day, Eren.” Zeke responds, looking down to give him a smile. 

Eren frowns, forgetting that the start of the new year was so close, as they walk into the little aisle. The room is decorated with hanging lights, left over from Christmas, as the two of them sit on the chairs and split the hard, crumbly cookies between the two of them. 

“Is grandma going to die or something?” Eren asks, swinging his legs off the tops of the tall chair as he leans back. 

“I don’t know, Eren. Maybe.” Zeke responds, swallowing hard.

“Oh.” 

“There’s no need to be sad about it before it happens. But Dad told me earlier, it would probably be today or tomorrow so…you should be aware of that.” Zeke states. 

Eren frowns. And Zeke recoils, at his rather blunt way of telling Eren the harsh news. 

“He didn’t tell me that.” Eren states. 

“Well, you’re younger, Eren.” Zeke responds. 

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to know.” 

Zeke brings his hand down on Eren’s hair, ruffling with it as he looks out the window. 

“That’s why I told you, kid.” 

Eren sighs. 

“Thanks.” 

Zeke shakes his head, as he gestures for Eren to join him at looking outside. The hospital workers are taking down the tree outside, as the two of them rest their windows against the sill and watch the snow fall down. 

 “Can we have hot chocolate when we go home?” Eren asks. 

“You’re old enough to make your own hot chocolate, Eren.” Zeke deadpans. 

“But you just make it so much better. Plus, don’t you want to be a good older brother?” Eren asks, giving him his best peachy smile. 

“I am a good older brother.” 

“You know what would make you even better?” 

Zeke rolls his eyes. 

“Hot chocolate?” 

Eren fakes a gasp. 

“It’s like you’re reading my mind! That’s a great idea, Zeke.” Eren responds. 

Zeke shoves Eren as the two of them laugh, reaching for another one of the hardened cookies on the platter. And that’s when they’re met with the flash of the camera and three paparazzi standing right behind them. Zeke turns around, entirely confused, as they shove the microphone into his face. 

“Zeke. Are do you have any comments on the rumors that you’re a drug dealer?” 

“The rumors that I’m what?” Zeke asks. 

Eren looks up at Zeke, entirely floored by the question, as the bright lights shine in his face a few more times. Zeke’s standing in front of him, basically obscuring his line of vision, as he watches the confusion spread on Zeke’s face and the way his jaw is tightly held against his skull. 

“A drug dealer. Through the funds in your back accounts?” 

“That’s not what I used them for. I used them for-” 

Eren watches Zeke’s face pale, as he grabs Eren’s hand tightly by the wrist and runs back into the waiting room where their parents are sitting. Except when they reach that spot, the doctor they’d seen hours prior is standing there with them, uttering the last words that Zeke could possibly want to hear at this moment. 

“We’re so sorry for your loss but-” 

And he’s cut off abruptly, by the paparazzi, who continue to flash more pictures as the Eren takes in the words, his parents crying demeanor, and understands in full that his grandmother is gone. And looks up at Zeke, unable to recognize his older brother for the first time. So meek, so awkward unlike he’s ever seen him. 

The video cuts off of the pictures of the four of them - of their pink faces and teary eyes in that waiting room - and back to Zeke, as he continues to explain. 

“That was the first time that the rumor had come to the surface, reached me in full. I later found out that there had been multiple reports of it for three days prior, that people had been speculating for days and days, and chose to finally ask me what I had thought when I was in the most headline worthy position. A few feet away from my dead grandmother. And my beloved little brother.” Zeke adds. 

You feel Eren shift next you as the video switches, this time to Sukuna. You smile, not having seen him or heard of him in so long, sparing a good thought from the writhing in your chest at the previous story. The mere presence of him, of his voice, makes your chest rumble. 

“My name is Ryomen Sukuna. And I met Scott Clarkson for the first time when I was fifteen.” 

Sukuna tries his best to not be jealous of his brother. He’s always hated that sick, rotting feeling in his stomach, and he despises that it comes up so unexpectedly, something so negative towards someone who is so unwholly undeserving of it. 

Sukuna always thought it was quite ironic that the two of them were siblings. They were such polar opposites - Yuuji being the picture-perfect, kind, intelligent person that he was. Being those things, so good, it just came so naturally to him that he made it look effortless. 

Meanwhile, Sukuna wasn’t quite sure why he acted the way he did sometimes. Sukuna knew that he wasn’t a malicious or evil person, that deep down his intentions were always well meaning, but there was a small part of him that had always struggled with that part. He knew that he wasn’t a visicous dog, but he wasn’t sure why he bit. 

It was just so hard for Sukuna. Being kind. Effortlessly kind, compassionate, and warm. He’d always say too much, be too loud, or too rude or impolite that it made it made him feel like some part of him was defective. That unbeknownst to other people, who just assumed that Sukuna was just like this, that he was hateful at heart, there was always a withstanding weight of guilt that he held with him wherever he went.  

Until he saw an opening. At one of those god awful, stupid networking events that he was always forced to go to. 

“Are you Ryomen Sukuna?” 

He looks up to find an adult, mid-forties, looking down at him. He’s wearing a nice, pressed down suit as he joins Sukuna on the floor, where he’s been demolisihing the cookie he was given into a crumbled up, chocolate mess. 

“Yes. Who are you?” 

“My name is Scott Clarkson. I’m a producer for Stone Studios. It’s nice to meet you.” 

“It’s nice to meet you too.” 

Sukuna falls into silence, as he tries his best to awkwardly shuffle his mess to the side and be as professional as he could. 

“You have a brother, correct?” Scott asks. 

Sukuna sighs, knowing all too well what’s coming next. 

“Yes, that’s right. He’s over there, standing with the tall, black-haired kid. Kinda sea urchin-y if you ask me.” Sukuna responds, pointing over to the two of them standing by the lemonade. 

Scott shrugs, crossing his hands together in his lap. 

“Tell me about his work ethic.” Scott asks. 

“Well, he’s great. He’s basically the best person to be around - I mean he’s intelligent, smart, and talented. There’s a reason that he’s in almost every movie that you see. And on top of that, he’s extremely patient and kind too. You’d be lucky to work with him, if that’s what you’re considering.” 

Scott looks over at him, eyes narrowed. 

“That’s your mistake, kid.” Scott states, the look in his eyes cold. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You should be marketing yourself. Not your brother.” Scott asks. 

Sukuna turns his head to the side, confused. 

“What? But you asked?” 

“That’s the thing. Even if someone asks about him, you should always divert the attention. To yourself. Granted, this is the reason that he’s the one who just starred in a movie while you’re waiting during the Jujutsu Kaisen hiatus.” 

Sukuna frowns, an acidic feeling crawling down the length of his throat. 

“Well-” 

“I’m just saying, kid. You should learn to advocate for yourself. There’s nothing wrong with pushing a few people around, because that’s kind of what this industry requires. You’ve got guts and talent, more than you’re wish washy brother I’m sure of it. I mean, the whole good boy bad boy thing has worked well for you so far, but if you want any chops at a real career, with people like I’ve worked with, you’ll have to solidify on these types of things.” Scott states. 

Sukuna looks straight across at the movie poster splayed on the wall. With “Institute Award Winning” and “Scott Clarkson” inscribed in it at the bottom. 

“Granted, you’re just a kid. You need someone to give you this kind of advice, an adult who knows their way around the industry. If you ever need my help, you know who to call. I could give you any type of role. Even one as the lead, as the hero, if you ever wanted it.” Scott states, sliding a silver business card into his hands and shuffling off the floor to walk away. 

The video cuts back to Sukuna, cracking his fingers as he talks - something you know well is a nervous tick of his. 

“The conversation seems quite ironic in hindsight. Scott Clarkson was the first adult in my life, one of many, that didn’t have my best interests at mind. And is most surely the last person you should take advice from.” Sukuna states. 

The video switches to Lana - and your heart clenches again, maybe even more than it did for Sukuna - at her long, brown hair and warm, pink cheeks smiling into the camera. You notice that she has a tattoo inscribed on her forearm now, a tiny little teddy bear just above the crease of her elbow, where you and Eren have your fish tattoos. 

“I’ve dreamt about being in love since I was a little kid. There was a part of me, that yearned so hard, wanted it so bad, that I would do anything for it. Even convince myself it was real.” 

Lana was convinced, for a fact, that because she had seen the worst of the worst, that she could only be subjected to the best of the best. 

That she had been so acutely aware, known from such a young age, all the signs of a terrible marriage, a loveless relationship. That you should always thank each other for the small actions, make time to see each other at least once a day, and that a true, earnest relationship takes honest work. Real effort. 

And she wasn’t exactly religious per say. But after the night had settled down, the screaming behind her door ceasing in full, she’d lift her head to the sky and whisper it into the air. Because if she put it out there, every night, and wanted it really badly, that it would happen. That manifestation or some higher power or some law of attraction - that saw that she had been through the bad so she deserved the good - would hear her out. 

And when she was nineteen years old staring at the two little lines on the pregnancy stick, she realized that no such thing existed. That manifestation was made up, that the higher powers didn’t exist or they hated her, or that maybe she had done something really horrible, so malicious, that she had to be tortured in this life for what she had done in the previous. 

Because, of course, she’s pregnant with the last person she’d ever want her kid to have as a father. 

There’s an incessant pounding on the door, as she wipes the tears off of her face, and hides the stick in the bowl of the toilet. 

“What the fuck is taking you so long, Lana?” 

“Nothing, Ricky. I think I might have a stomach bug or something.” she responds, swinging the door open to his unamused face. 

He looks up at her, almost sneering, before glancing at her up and down. He returns to aimlessly scrolling on his phone, before talking again. 

“Well, you’re still well enough to go out tonight, right? Because I don’t want to go to the bar alone.” 

Lana swallows hard, debating her options. 

“Um, well-” 

“Because I could easily take someone else.” Ricky states. 

“No! I’ll come, it’s just that-” 

“Perfect! You’re the best.” Ricky states, pressing a kiss to her cheek before padding out of the room. 

The video switches again, this time to Connie, slightly blurry through the tears in your eyes. You only realize you were crying because Eren’s hands are quick to swipe the tears away and hold a tissue out for you at your side.. You’re not sure what caused it exactly - the thought of Ricky or of Lana so scared alone in that bathroom by herself - but Eren keeps his hand on your shoulder, grounding you into the moment to focus on what Connie was saying. 

“When I was a kid, my mom used to kind of parrot the same stories about me as a kid to every person that she knew. I always used to make fun of her for it, claim that she harped on those four or five stories so hard because she couldn’t remember anything else substantial from my childhood, which was why she felt the need to always tell those embarrassing stories about me.” 

Connie breaks a smile, it reaching all the way to the crinkles in his eyes, as he continues. 

“But there’s one story that she told, that always used to make me a little bit happy. My heart a little warm, if you will. My mom always proudly recounted, with her hand placed over her heart, that I was the happiest baby. That my doctor had mentioned to her that it was very rare for him to see babies who smiled, so quick in their first day of life, but I had done it when he walked into the room. And since then, my mom has always lovingly called me her smiley boy.” Connie states. 

Connie drops his smile, before swallowing hard. 

“Which is how I know that I wholeheartedly broke her heart when she came to see me in rehab.” 

At the one month mark of being there, Connie was slowly but surely acclimating to the life in the rehab ward. The set routine of the place, the small activities that they did in groups, were quickly starting to grow on Connie and the physical effects of his body fighting against him lessening more every day. 

Today was a big achievement for him. He had finally made it through his first night of soundless sleep. And he was looking forward to today, which was Friday, meaning that Eren and possibly Lana would be visiting him. And they’d be so excited, so happy that it was working for him, that he wanted to tell him the second that he got there. 

So when the clock hit two o’clock, he excitedly walked in the visiting room to find Eren sitting there, with his steaming bowl of ramen that Eren had promised he would bring him next time. Connie finally understood why you fell in love with him all of those years ago. He’d marry Eren too if it meant he would cook for him all the time. 

“Hey Connie.” Eren states, sliding the bowl over to him. 

“Eren Bear-en. Where’s Lana?” he asks. 

“Right. She’s here. In the waiting room.” Eren states. 

“What the hell is she doing out there? Laying eggs?” Connie asks, splitting the chopsticks in his hand as he opens up the bowl. 

“Yes, actually. The kitchen came by and told her they were short.” 

“Don’t even joke about that because those bitches are crazy. I asked for an extra Jello and from the looks they gave me you’d think I was asking to be their…sperm donor or something.” 

Eren snickers, before getting an intense look from the guards on the wall for disrupting the silence, and looking back at Connie. 

“No. No, she’s actually keeping your mom some company.” 

Connie pales. 

“My mom is here?” he states, his voice grating in his throat. 

“Yeah, Connie. She doesn’t want to push and-and- she’s more than willing to go home if you’re not ready to see her yet, man. She just really insisted and she means so well that we just brought her along.” Eren states. 

“Have you been talking to her?” Connie asks. 

“Oh, yeah. She called us almost two days after you got here. We let her know what was happening and she comes by the house a lot. She asks about you the second we get back.” Eren responds. 

“Really?” Connie asks, warm tears filling his eyes. Of agonizing, burning regret. 

“Really. She’s been waiting till you seemed better, that you were ready to see her. And you don’t have to worry that she’s judging you or upset with you, man. She feels the same as Lana and I do, you- she shouldn’t be a reason for your stress. Or guilt.” Eren adds, emphasizing it as hard as he can so as to convince Connie to at least let her through. 

Connie pauses, the thoughts swimming to his mind. The overwhelming regret, that his mom has suffered all the way to meet him here, that she was ready to be at his side, the same way Eren and Lana had. He’s almost grateful that she hadn’t seen him at the worst of it - that he hadn’t shouted choice words at her like he had at Eren and Lana and you - but the embarrassment of having to recount all of that to her was daunting. 

But the thought of seeing her again, hearing that she was out there waiting with that heathen Lana, warmed that deep seated love for her in his stomach. That was yearning to see her, to tell her what had happened to him too. 

The latter feeling beat out the former one. Which is why he let Eren bring her in with Lana, as she took a cautious seat at his side and Lana slid into the one next to Eren. 

“Hi Connie Bear!” Lana states, reaching over to squeeze his hands. 

“Hi Lana Bear.” he respond, lifting his hand to do his little hand shake with Lana, which always earns him an eye roll from Eren. 

“Bear?” Connie’s mom asks, tilting her head to the side. 

“Ah. It’s just a little joke that we have. Eren Bear-en started it.” Connie states, giving him mom a smirk.

His mom smiles, looping her arm through Connie’s, as she lightly laughs into the quiet air. 

“Funny. So what would I be?” 

“Mama Bear. Obviously.” Connie states. 

She pauses, pressing her hand to Connie’s shoulder. 

“How are you, Connie? Really?” 

Connie smiles, leaning forward on the table and nervously fidgeting with his fingers. 

“I have some good news actually. For all of you.” Connie responds. 

“What’s that?” Eren asks. 

“I know that it doesn’t seem like a big deal and all and that people do it all the time but…today was the first night that I slept all the way through without waking up in the past month. In the past year actually.” 

Lana and Eren’s eyes immediately light up, which has Connie smiling, as the two of them run over to the side of his table and wrap his arms around him. His mom’s looped into his side, the three of them crushing him in the warmest, softest hug known to man.

“Connie! We’re- fuck. I’m literally crying. I’m so happy for you, kid.” Lana states, reaching forward to pinch the softness on his cheek. 

“Okay, you sap. It’s not all that.” Connie responds.

“No but it literally is, Connie. This is huge.” Eren responds, squeezing his shoulder hard. 

Connie turns to his mom noticing that she’s been trying her best efforts to quiet her sobs. Connie places a hand on her shoulder, burning with regret, at her downtrodden face. 

“Mom?” 

“Oh, Connie. My sweet, smiley boy. I’m so happy for you.” 

It’s enough to break his resolve, one that he’s been keeping together since he realized that he had all but gone through Jean and Mikasa’s engagement high. And cries straight into her arms, with Lana and Eren across from him, lightly tapping his feet under the table in support. 

The video switches, this time to Eren, as you prepare yourself for whatever you’re about to hear next. Because if the previous four were gut punches, you know for a fact that whatever Eren is about to say is going to ruin you. 

“Being in love is a privilege.” 

You take a sharp inhale. 

“There’s something so strange about it, when you think about it. That there can be two people, who share those feelings at the same time. That they overcame something, deeper than rejection or fear, because the feelings were so big, they were so great, that they just had to. And that the person, they really and truly reciprocated it.” 

Eren smiles, so wide that his dimples are showing. 

“It’s a privilege to be in love. But it’s an even bigger one to be in love, to be loved, by someone like Y/N L/N.” 

Eren and Jean, with their ears all but pressed to the door, hear the three knocks and wrestle over each other to open the door. You’re standing there, sheepish and meek as you look down the hall, and Eren reaches for your bag on the floor. Jean gives the two of you a salute, which you laugh at, and which consequently has Eren smacking his hand over your mouth for, as the two of you quickly switch spots. 

WIth Jean in your room and you in his. Eren quickly shuts the door, setting your stuff down, as you two give each other excited smiles. 

“That was super sneaky, Eren. Like Bond level.” 

Eren rolls his eyes. 

“Right. The two feet in between our doors was so treacherous.” 

You smack his shoulder. 

“Okay, bitch. You know nothing of my perilous travels. The floorboard creaked. I could hear Levi rustling in his sheets, I swear to god.” 

Eren drags your stuff into the room, as he places your bag on the bed. 

“What do you have in here? Your entire closet? Why is this so heavy?” 

“Well, I had to bring my night time skincare. And my morning skincare. And sometimes I get snacky at night…and my blanket obviously. And my shampoos. Those are non-negoitable.” you respond. 

“Well we can’t have you getting split ends now!” Eren responds, sarcastically. 

“Don’t even sass me right now because I could go bald without that shampoo.” 

“And I have a blanket.” 

You scoff.

“I don’t want your cooties, stinky.” 

“I don’t have cooties. And mind you, you have to kiss me in a few weeks. My cooties are going to be all up in your face, Y/N.” Eren responds. 

“That sounds gross, Eren. Like you’re purposely infecting me with your disease.” 

“I’m not infecting you with anything! I don’t even have cooties, you idiot!” 

You feign hurt, frowning at him, as you fight the urge to laugh and muster the most important performance of your life yet. 

“Eren?” you whisper. 

“What?” he asks, confused. 

“Do you really think I’m an idiot?” you murmur. 

You watch Eren’s eyes go wide, almost frazzled, as he reaches forward and cups the side of your cheek, the look in his eyes so painful that you immediately feel bad. 

“Y/N. Of course, I don’t think you’re an idiot. You’re like…the smartest person I know. Really.” 

“Eren-” 

“I’m so sorry I said that. I was just kidding, but that was a really stupid joke to make. I haven’t and won’t ever think that about you. Or say it again. You’re so-” 

“Eren.” 

“And I swear, I’m not going to say anything like that ever again. I know how shitty it can be, especially coming from a guy, and you’re working so hard to be here, more than anyone else, even though your basically the best one and-” 

“Eren, oh my gosh, you’re so sweet. I was just kidding, I didn’t mean to make you so upset.” you respond, frowning at him as he looks at you, shoulders relaxing under his touch. 

His cheeks are dusted a warm pink, the color trickling down the length of his neck. 

“Oh. Wait, really?” 

“I was just trying to see what you would say. I wasn’t expecting that and now I feel really, really bad. I’m sorry, Eren.” 

Eren sighs, laughing as he reaches forward to pinch your cheek. 

“You’re evil, you know that?” 

“I didn’t mean it!” you whine, covering your eyes in embarrassment. 

“You put that stupid little cute frown on your face and make those sad eyes at me and just expect me to keep fighting with you?” 

“Well, yeah! Jean and Connie would fight with me for the rest of their life if they could.” 

Eren reaches forward, pinching your cheek once more. 

“That’s your mistake.” 

“What is?” 

“Thinking that you and I are the same as you and Connie. Or you and Jean.” 

You feel your cheeks burn, as you nod, reaching for your bag and heading straight into the bathroom to arrange everything on the counter. You start your nightly routine, braiding your hair and placing the little foam headband in your hair as you start to massage all the cleansers and serums into your skin. 

Eren pads in after a few minutes, reaching for his toothbrush, as the two of you move around each other in silence. Eren can’t help but watch you in the mirror - with all your little bottles and sweet smelling lotions, so focused as you go about it - that he can’t help but think that he could watch you forever. 

“Eren?” 

Eren immediately breaks out of his almost trance, spitting into the sink. 

“Yeah?” 

“You should wear this while you brush your teeth. It’ll keep your hair out of the way.” you respond, handing him a little blue foam headband just like your pink one. 

“Huh?” 

“Well, your hairs getting kind of long. And Levi told me that he actually wants it even longer for next season a few months ago, so I ordered you one too when I got mine. I keep forgetting to give it to you.” you respond, placing it front of him. 

Eren lifts it in his hands, utterly touched at the fact that you had thought of him. 

“You- you got this for me?” 

“Well, yeah. I kept getting my bangs wet whenever I washed my face. And you basically look like a shaggy dog with that hair so I knew for a fact that you’d need one too. I’m basically the best friend ever if you think about it.” you respond, giving him a peachy smiile. 

“You are.” 

The video cuts back to Eren, a soft smile on his face as he talks. 

“People will take advantage of anything, in the name of business. It’s an easy way in once you find out how to manipulate someone, to make them do things that they would never do normally, to get the exact image that you want. The one that makes headlines, stirs up controversy, to get you trending.” 

--

“You find out that things function very specifically when you work at Stone Studios. And that Scott Clarkson, and his associates, make money from every aspect of the production. He makes money from the movies that he produces and more importantly, from the tabloid company that he owns.” Sukuna starts. 

Sukuna sighs, as the pictures flash on the screen. 

“Certain things are…manufactured or at least the people doing them are coerced into doing things that are lucrative. Like doctoring drama around certain movies, so that by the time the movie comes out, the drama surrounding it will drive everyone to watch it. Around relationships - because rumors regarding ex-boyfriends and problems between friends create headlines that everyone will click.” 

Sukuna’s furious. And when Hyla walks in the room - the three weeks he’s been holding onto his anger - come to a head. 

“Who did you tell?” Sukuna asks. 

She looks up at him, eyes wide in confusion, as she slouches straight into the bed and continues to scroll on her phone. He joins at her side, reaching for her phone and putting it to the side. 

“I’m being serious. Who did you tell?” he asks. 

She looks up at him, her expression bordering between bored and oblivious. 

“Who did I tell about what?” 

Sukuna sighs. Because deep down, that deep rot of feeling betrayed has been gnawing at his stomach for the past few hours. And he wants everything in him, every part of him to believe that the conversation that he had a few days ago - the first real one he’d had in a while - wasn’t just spread all over every magazine he walked past on the way home. 

“The conversation we had. About…” 

She rolls her eyes, sitting up as she crossed her legs. 

“About what? We talk about a lot of things.” she murmurs. 

“Yuuji…” he responds. 

“Oh! About how you hate him?” she asks. 

Sukuan sighs, frustrationg growing up at the premise. At the callousness in her statement. Because not only did she put up a front in the conversation they had - about how guilty Sukuna felt about harboring some negative feelings towards Yuuji since they were always in constant competition - but she was surely the one who must have whispered the story to someone who had given it to a tabloid. 

“I don’t hate him, Hyla.” 

“No, no I get it. You’re like jealous of him and stuff because he gets all these versatile roles and you basically keep getting the same asshole role. But that’s not your fault, it’s just how it goes.” she responds, shrugging. 

He clenches his jaw. 

“I get that. I just don’t get why you had to tell someone else.” 

“Well, I just told my dad. And you know how he is. If there’s something that’s going to be good for the business, he’s always been the kind of guy to go for it and do what needs to be done.” 

“What the hell is so lucrative about my relationship with my brother? We’re filming a fucking movie.” 

She sighs, cracking her knucles before she turns to him. 

“Okay, fine. I’ll tell you a secret, but only if you promise to stop being mad at me.” 

“Well, I’m not just going to stop being mad at you. I’ve never told anyone that. Let alone my own brother, whose probably finding out about it from a fucking tabloid right now. I’ve never been one - nor am I ever going to be - someone who steps on their own family members to make it in this fucking business.” he states. 

“Yeah, yeah. I know. Family is everything to you and I get that.” 

He sighs, sliding open his phone to the five unread messages from Yuuji on his screen. There a set of pictures of him in front of the headlines at the store and he’s quite literally laughing at the fact that someone could even come up with something so stupid about him. 

Because despite it all, Yuuji is exactly what Sukuna says he is. He is the better brother - by tenfold - because he sees the rumors and doesn’t even believe them the second he reads them. Even through they’re true. 

“See. He’s such a good guy, he’s not even mad! No harm done!” Hyla states, smiling to herself. 

Sukuna leans back against the headboard, fully bothered, so much so that it makes his skin itch, by Yuuji’s texts as he halfheartedly murmurs. 

“What were you going to say? Earlier?” 

“Oh. Well don’t tell anyone. Especially not the girls okay, because they’d basically kill me. But you know WBS? The tabloid company?” she asks. 

“Yeah…” 

“My dad owns it. That was actually his original venture. He started it with these two music producers - Danny and Sareen - they work with that Y/N girl from Attack on Titan actually. And sometimes they just kind of….fabricate stuff for news. Whatever sells right?” 

Sukuna swallows that bitter, acidic feeling in his throat. That his feelings about his brother, that he shared in confidence, were good enough for the headline. 

Good enough to be sold out. 

The camera switches back to Sukuna, sitting in the chair. 

“I feel kind of stupid in hindsight. For actually liking her, I guess. For believing that any of them were real, earnest people. I’m embarrassed that I stayed for so long, on the premise that I was fighting for something real.” Sukuan states. 

“What made you leave?” the producer asks. 

“The last shred of self-preservationist instinct I had. I was put into a situation, multiple times, where I felt unsafe. And when it went too far, I decided that I had enough. And that I was going to go out with a bang if I had to. If they want a headline, I’ll damn well give them one.” Sukuna states, smirking. 

“You felt unsafe?” the producer clarifies. 

“Look. I don’t need to rehash the details out of what happened. I’m sure that you could even find videos of it if you wanted to. But Scott Clarkson, he’s very quick to forget the fact that he’s working with children. I may play adults in my films, but I was very much still a child.” 

You pale, the implication entirely clear. You look over at Eren, whose eyes are fixed towards the floor, as you wipe the tears from your eyes, as the video switches back to Eren and Lana who are seated at the table. 

“When Levi and Hange ventured out on their own and decided to produce their own show, they ruffled lots of feathers. That’s something I overheard on set quite often before Eren ever started on the show. They were mad, essentially, that they had circumvented the whole producing aspect of it, choosing to be in control of every aspect of the production. And honestly, that they were successful with it.” 

“Levi and Hange basically set a standard, especially for other people who were at their class the SWHA cohort. Jujutsu Kaisen basically followed suit short after - with almost all of the people in our class being funneled into either of those two shows. Which was aggravating, because it basically means that people who own the companies, like Scott Clarkson, don’t get their upcoming crop of stars to handpick form.” Eren states. 

“Unfortunately for us, that didn’t really quite stop them. It started out with a simple fact - that Scott Clarkson knew for a fact that Eren would refuse to work with him.” Lana states. 

“The first time I met Scott Clarkson he had rubbed me the wrong way. Because he refused to acknowledge that Y/N was standing right at my side.” Eren responds. 

Eren was painfully aware of the fact of how uncomfortable you were. He wasn’t exactly sure what it was - maybe the fact that you had never been here before or that you didn’t quite know anyone like he did from growing up with them - but he figured that it would be a better idea for the two of you to go outside. 

But before he could, a man stops him, tapping him on the shoulder to talk to him. You both stop in your tracks, half turning around, to look at him. He’s extremely tall, looming over the two of you, and Eren can feel you shrink at his side. He looks at Eren, a self-assured smile pressed on his face as he introduces himself. 

“Scott Clarkson. I’m a producer for Stone Studios.” 

“I’m Eren Jaeger. This is-” 

“I know who you are, Eren. I was invited to see one of the first cuts of the latest movie you just filmed and-” 

Before he can even understand what’s happening, he has his hand on Eren’s shoulder and they’re walking down the length of the hall, the end of their conversation lost to you. Eren looks back and you give him a halfhearted smile as he tries to turn back, before getting stuck in a larger group of people. 

“Do you have any projects lined up for your Attack on Titan hiatus?” Scott asks. 

“Yeah. Sukuna and I are filming the next Conjuring movie. Though if you’re looking for someone, my friend Y/N-” 

“No need. We’re here to talk about you.” 

Eren rolls his eyes. 

“I already have a roll. And she doesn’t. And you know how big she’s going to be - she can even sing!” Eren states. 

Scott sighs. 

“There’s a reason that I’m standing here talking to you. I’m well seasoned in these type of things - just like your parents. I promise you, with a breakout show like that, only one person can come out as the star. Don’t you want to make sure that it’s going to be you?” 

“Levi and Hange made it out together. I don’t know why we couldn’t do the same.” Eren responds. 

Luckily enough for him, his parents had arrived just at that moment and given him his much needed chance to run away. 

“I wasn’t going to sell out that fast. Especially for someone who was so quick to bad mouth my best friend, who was basically the only person that I got to consistently talk to and be with at the time, I….” 

“Eren’s very loyal. Let’s just leave it at that. And it’s precisely just because of that loyalty, especially to Hange and Levi who had thrown a wrench in every one of his profits, that they wanted Eren specifically. He has every makings of one of his stars. He has famous parents, an estranged brother, and a girl that can be thrown at the end of every headline.” Lana adds. 

Eren sighs. 

“The Attack on Titan hiatus was the perfect chance for them to get what they wanted. On one side, Danny and Sareen were building Y/N up. They were pushing her into making albums, way faster than she should have been by the way, adding more and more accolades to her name. And on the other side, they were dragging me into the mud. Purposely switching my movies at the last minute to make sure I was on the shitty one, making award show annoucers make crappy jokes about me so I’d feel like shit.” Eren responds. 

The video switches to the last award show that you and Eren had technically attended together. The one where you announced that you were coming out with your second studio album and where you had won Actress in a Lead Role. Except, the video isn’t how you remembered it. Or that this time, you’re actually aware of what had been going on in Eren’s head. 

“Here we have an international pop-star, Y/N L/N. Originally a small town girl from Canada, her soft spoken love songs, phenomenal acting, and insane dance act have left no heart untouched.” the announcer states. 

Eren looks over at you in the video, his eyes so warm and his smile so wide, as he looks at you proudly. 

“And you. What’s your name again? It’s sweet they let fans sit with stars now.” the headliner asks him, eliciting a large amount of laughter from the crowd as he walks on. 

That’s when you see it. That Eren’s face immediately dropped and was washed over in shame. And that he got up and walked away. 

And more importantly, that you hadn’t followed. 

“I later found out that joke was very deliberate. That announcer was told to make that joke about me because they were almost positive that I would leave. And when Y/N won the award - and I was moping in one of the lounges about how much of a failure I was, how she was going to leave me for someone better - Scott Clarkson approached me. In the same way that he had approached Sukuna. Promising me that he could make me a star. That I could meet Y/N where she was and be next to her too.” Eren states. 

“It was pretty easy to guess how the rest went. Y/N and Eren being in a relationship wasn’t exactly headline worthy, when they had been basically attached at the hip for years. But you know what was? The two of them breaking up.” 

“I obviously can’t speak for Y/N. I don’t know what was going through her head at that point. But from what she made it seem like….Danny and Sareen had asked her to do it. I know that they had asked her to write songs like London Boy and most of the songs on her album for that precise reason, it….doesn’t seem far off.” Eren states. 

“It seems stupid in hindsight. To take someone’s advice at the surface level like that and so blindly believe in them. But when you think of the examples that Eren and Y/N really had, people like Levi and Hange who wanted nothing but the best for them, who basically loved them like they were a second set of parents, it’s hard to believe that everyone around you doesn’t really have your best interest in mind. That and the fact that they were fucking nineteen.” Lana adds. 

“And that’s when we get to the Girlfriend incident. And more importantly, the day that Lana and I became friends.” Eren states, looking over to smile at her. 

Eren had locked the door, and pushed everyone out of the room the second they had stopped watching that stupid music video hours ago. And after the fact, he’s watched it three more times - you and Ricky dancing through the street and smiling at each other - while all he can do is drown in his despair. 

That is until he hears a soft sniffling in the hallway behind him and a hushed voice talking on the phone in the doorway. He presses his ear the door, the voice loud, as he catches the ends of the conversation, recognizing that it was Lana. 

“Can you just stay with him for a few more hours, please? I don’t think that I can leave.” 

“Please. I want to come home really badly too, but they’re already so upset with me after what I said last night that I just-” 

“Thank you so much. I really love you, you know that?” 

The phone call ends abruptly and Eren, letting his curiosity get the best of them, opens the door to find Lana sitting flat against the wall, with her head in her hands. He can tell that she must have been crying for a better part of the last hour, her hair all unruly and tangled in a way that he had never really seen it before. 

Eren shuffles into the spot next to her, against the wall, as he wipes his own red eyes. 

“Are you okay?” Eren asks. 

“Why? Trying to rub it in my face?” Lana asks, rather miserably. 

“No. I just…heard you on the phone.” Eren asks. 

Her eyes go wide, as she looks over at him rather frantically. 

“What did you hear?” she asks. 

“I mean, basically nothing.” Eren murmurs. 

The two of them sit there awkwardly, unsure of what to say to the other. That’s until Lana turns to him, a determined look on her face as she talks. 

“Are you trying to make me feel shitty because I did it to you?” Lana asks. 

“No. I’m not you, Lana.” Eren deadpans. 

“I didn’t mean-

“Didn’t mean what? To make me look like a dumbass on stage? Just tell me what the hell is wrong if you’re going to talk so loudly outside of my door.” Eren mutters, irritated. 

“Okay. We’re going to play a game, alright? Let’s pretend we’re different people.” Lana states. 

“What?” 

“I want to talk about something and I’m sure you do too, but it’s weird to do it like this. So we’ll pretend. I’m going to be La-La and you’re going to be Po.” she states. 

“Like the Telletubbies….?” 

“Yeah. Does that work? You can’t say anything to anyone, because….well that would just be fucking rude.” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay, Po. The thing is, I feel really bad. I did this really shitty thing to this guy who seems really nice and all. Except, I was standing on stage and they kind of asked me to do it right then and there so I kind of just went with it.” 

Oh. Eren gets it. This is her weird way of apologizing. 

“Well, why did she do it in the first place?” 

She scoffs. 

“You’re so nosy, bitch.” 

Eren laughs, which has her relaxing her shoulders, before she talks again. 

“Eren. Please don’t tell anyone, okay? This is really serious.” 

Eren breaks, the seriousness in her demeanour stoppign him. 

“I promise. What is it?” 

She sighs, holding out a picture to him on her phone. It’s a picture of her and a little boy, with short, curly brown hair. 

“This is my son. His name is Theodore, but…I call him Teddy. Like…Teddy Bear? And I feel so shitty, Eren but…they kind of hold him against me sometimes when it comes to things like this. So when they ask me to do things, I just do them.” Lana states. 

“They hold you against him?” 

“I mean….I try really hard to protect his privacy, Eren. He’s just a kid. I mean, he’s barely even two years old right now. And I know your parents, I’m sure you know that growing up in the spotlight isn’t the best place to be.” 

Eren frowns, looking down at the picture. He’s never really quite thought it before, but he thinks that Lana is really pretty. Or more appropriately, that Lana looks very pretty when she smiles. And that he’s never seen her smile like this before. 

“I get that. So what do they do? Threaten to tell?” Eren asks. 

“I mean, they usually find out where I’m keeping him. I tend to keep him moving from different houses, with security in all that, to make sure that he’s safe from that type of thing. And-” 

“Does he stay with his dad?” Eren asks. 

Lana sighs, resting her chin against her knees. 

“Eren. Ricky isn’t good news. And your little girlfriend or friend or whatever…she’s in really risky territory right now.” she states. 

“What do you mean?” Eren asks. 

She almost flinches, withholding of what it is exactly that’s on the tip of her tongue. 

“Eren. He’s just not a good guy. You should make sure that someone is with her, that she’s not ever alone with him. Just take my word for it. There’s a reason my son doesn’t get to see him, why I avoid him like the plague.” she states. 

Eren can see the tears filling in her eyes - and makes a mental note to drop the topic and relay the information to Connie or Jean later. 

“I’m not going to tell anyone, Lana.” 

“I know. That’s why I feel even worse. I’m really sorry for what I did, Eren.” 

“That’s okay. Let’s just make a deal.” 

“What’s that?” 

“I’ll help and you’ll help me. Pacts between Tellytubbies are really sacred.” Eren states, feigning seriousness. 

“You’re stupid.” 

“And you’re annoying.” he responds. 

Lana laughs, teary eyed, as she reaches forward and shakes on it. 

“I only became really aware of the problem after Lana had pointed it out to me. And became even more frustrated with them, with all of them, when I had realized what they had been saying to her. Making comments about her body to her, despite the fact that she had literally given birth, and incessantly teasing her about her son, who is basically my favorite person in the world, by the way. That they would purposely put alcohol in her drinks, when she couldn’t drink at the time.” 

The clips cut, this time to Eren and Lana, in a different mix of videos of playing with Teddy. You recongize him straight on, as the kid that you had met with Eren before the two of you had talked on the beach, and feel your heart burn at the fact that you had met Lana’s son and not known it. That Lana and Eren had to fight to make sure that he was safe, that she was doing anything for him. 

“Eren and I basically had an arrangement. We both had houses off of set in Seattle, that we should shuffle him between, along with my brother Landon. There was someone with Teddy at all times, and at that age, he wasn’t really old enough to question the fact. His mom was always there to put him to bed at night, and sometimes his best friend Eren was there to do it too, so it didn’t mean too much to him.” 

Eren sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“It all started going downhill the week that I got hurt. Because, of course, that’s when Connie arrived on set.” 

Lana wasn’t really paying attention when it had happened. Her nose was stuck in her own script, headphones over her ears, as she practiced the next scene she was going to be in. 

When she looked up, three minutes after the fact, that’s when she saw it. That Eren was tangled with the cords that were suspending him in the air and that he was hanging unconscious upside down. 

“What the hell are you doing? Take him down from there.” Lana states, incessantly shaking at Scott’s shoulder as he watched Eren in the viewfinder. 

“What the hell are you talking about, Price?” 

“He’s not fucking breathing. What the hell are you talking about?” 

“He’s acting. Did you not read your script before you got here?” he asks, annoyed as he gestures for the crew around him to continue. 

Lana looks up, every gut feeling of hers screaming in her stomach, as she runs on to the set, climbing on to the makeshift ladder and reaching for Eren stuck between the strings. 

“Eren. Eren, wake up.” 

Except he doesn’t budge in his arms, instead swinging back and forth from the way he’s precariously hanging on the strings. She presses her fingers to his neck, his pulse slightly weak under her fingers, as she can feel the tears burning in her eyes. 

“What the hell is wrong with you guys? Why can’t you just give him a break? He’s been going at it for like four hours.” 

“Price. You’re ruining the shot.” Scott states, rather irritated. 

“Take him down. Now.” 

Scott rolls his eyes, walking over to the switchbox at his side. He reaches for the lever, placing his hand on the stick, as he all but glares at Lana. 

“You want it that bad? Here.” 

And he pushes the lever all the way down, sending Eren straight to the ground on his head. Lana can feel the panic rushing through her as she basically tumbles down, turning Eren’s head over in her hands, and being met with red, warm blood on her hands. She gives a weary eye to the crew, who phone the ambulance, as she follows in her own car. 

“I think that was the first time that I realize that really, truly - these people don’t care about anything but getting the shot. I get that Eren was supposed to look like he was dead in that scene, but tiring him out to get the perfect shot was far from what he needed to do.” 

“I sustained a concussion that left me in the hospital for a week. And I had three long lacerations down the length of my back from the harnesses that we were using, that basically sliced it on impact. That I still have scars from by the way.” Eren states. 

You reach for Eren’s hand, squeezing hard on his wrist, as the video continues. 

“When we finally made it back to set, Connie was there. And it’s not that I don’t love Connie, that I wouldn’t have loved to see him there, but I already knew that it wasn’t going to go well.” Eren states. 

Eren sighs. 

“I know, logically, that you can’t really blame these things on people. That Connie wasn’t my responsibility and that addiction is a real, physical disease that he had to battle against. But I just can’t help but feel like I could have stopped him if I was there.” Eren states. 

“When I got to set, everyone around me hyped me up over the same basic thing. That Eren was out of commission, for reasons that they wouldn’t exactly tell me, and that I should take his spot as the lead. It was only a few days into shooting and that it would be an easy switch if I had just asked Scott if I could take his role.” Connie states. 

Connie sighs. 

“It was a simple thing that they were telling me. That Eren - he had gotten to be the lead role, hundreds of times over. That Levi had picked Eren out of everyone as the best, that he was extra hard on him because he knew that he could make a star. And that really, I had never gotten the same kind of exposure that Eren had, the type that comes from being a lead.” Connie states. 

The video cuts - to videos of Connie and Eren filming on the set of Attack on Titan - the two of them playing pranks on Erwin and Hange together, running around each other between scenes, and laughing at Historia and Ymir walking past. 

“Eren is one of my best friends. I would never want to side swipe him like that, so I decided that I was going to ask Eren for the role. And I was really self-assured that Eren would give it to me. Because he’s always been giving in that sense, he always had been with Armin and Y/N, and he would for me too.” Connie states. 

“Just to clarify, the reason that I didn’t let Connie take the role at that point was because I had quite literally sustained a concussion from doing it. I was never going to let him step into that - no matter how hard he begged me to.” Eren responds. 

“And so I got really hurt by it. And then everyone around me, they kept whispering it in my ear. That Eren couldn’t handle anyone but him being the star. That Eren thought I had no business being there, that I wasn’t made to be in a lead role. And for some reason, I don’t know fucking why, I thought that they were being honest with me. That they were being earnest. They kept bringing up the Girlfriend incident, that Eren was so quick to drag Y/N down the first chance he got, and that he would do the same to me too. I had so much trust in these people that I would do anything to stay friends with them. Because they were real. And unfortunately for me, I did. And one of the shittiest things I ever did was fight with Eren because of it.” Connie stated. 

Eren found out, three months after the fact, that Connie had been doing drugs. He had his suspicions, since Connie had been spending so much time around Myka, and acting so weird and skittish around him that something had to be up. 

So after he dropped Teddy off to Landon’s and head back to set with Lana, the two of them were prepared to talk to him about whatever it was, to clear the air. Except when they got there and knocked on Connie’s door, they found him lying face down on the desk, fast asleep with a small mound of white powder and a small trickle of blood down his nose. 

“Connie. Connie, wake up.” Eren states, rigidly shaking his entire frame. 

“Oh my gosh. Oh my god, Eren what do we do?” Lana states, her hands on his shoulder as he hears her sniffling in his ear. 

“Connie. Dude, you have to wake up now. Come on.” Eren states. 

Connie lightly shuffles in his sleep, as Eren backs up out of the way, with Lana behind him. Connie wakes up, half there, as his eyes focus in on Eren and he pales. That Connie’s giving him the most agitated, mean look that he’s ever gotten in his life. That he’s ever seen Connie sport in his life. 

“Connie. Hey, you-” 

“What do you want, Eren?” he asks. 

“We were just worried about you, dude. We haven’t talked in so long, and that’s our fault, but-” 

“I’m not good enough for you, right? You’re too big of a star to be friends with someone as low on the food chain as me right?” Connie responds, seething. 

Eren frowns. 

“Connie, hey man. What are you talking about? We’ve been like family since we were little. Why would I-” 

“Why didn’t you give me the lead role? Why the fuck are you and Lana always sneaking around behind my fucking back? Don’t play the family card in my face when you’re the one who fucking abandoned me, Eren.” 

“Connie. I’m really sorry that I-” 

That’s when Connie lifts his hand, jolting it straight across Eren’s face. He can feel the immediate, immense pressure on his nose, the bright red shooting out of his nostrils as he looks back up at Connie. 

“Connie. We can’t-” 

“We can’t what? You won’t fight me?” 

“No, Connie. I’m not going to fight you.” Eren states. 

“Why not? You’re still too good for me, aren’t you? You’re too good for Y/N, too good for me, too good for anyone who fucking got you there.” Connie states, swinging again. 

Connie’s movements are loose, uncoordinated, which is when Eren reaches for his arm, just to pin him to the ground underheath him. There’s a sweltering guilt when he does it, holds Connie down, and it only increases in magnitude when Connie cries underneath him, cursing his name. 

“Two weeks after my fight with Connie, my worst possible outcome occurred. That I have friends, who love me more than anything, and wanted to surprise me for my birthday. Y/N and Armin came to Seattle. And Y/N….she wanted to tell me that she still loved me.” Eren states. 

“That was the worst possible time that they could have shown up. Because they were this close to leaking my secret, basically telling me that it was any day now that it was going to happen, after finding out that Eren and I were planning on breaking our contracts, just to be out of the situation for good. We had even reached out to Levi and Hange about it, which they had found out about very fast.” Lana states. 

“I saw Y/N for the first time at my birthday dinner and was immediately floored at the fact that she was there. And Armin had quickly told me, when I had scurried away to the bathroom to check on her, so I knew what I had to do. I left my birthday dinner, with Hyla, to break up with her then and there. When I knew that I had a chance at getting Y/N back.” Eren states. 

“Do you want to get out of here? Just you and me?” 

Hyla gives him a giddy smile as she nods, putting her hand in his, as he drags her out, with his arm secured around his waist. And the second that he can drive them slightly out of earshot, back to the house where he can talk to her in private, there’s a weight that’s lifted off of his chest when he gets to say it. 

“I’m breaking up with you.” Eren states. 

Hyla frowns, squinting her eyes at him. 

“Okay but like…technically, we aren’t even dating. It’s just a publicity thing.” Hyla states. 

“Whatever this is. I want out. I-I’m not doing it anymore.” Eren states. 

Hyla laughs, sitting criss crossed on the couch, as she looks up at him. 

“My dad is going to be super pissed at you, Eren.” 

Eren smiles, lighter than he had been feeling in the four years that he had been stuck in this godforsaken house. Because truly, the reason that had brought him here, didn’t matter anymore. 

Levi and Hange were on his side - and they were going to help him out of this - and more importantly, you were back. The two of you were going to be together again, despite wherever the hell the two of you were going to be stuck. 

“I don’t care. My contrat is almost up anyways. And I can imagine that the same headlines get boring over time, Hyla. I think it’s time to call it quits.” 

Eren looks down at her, busily typing away on her phone, as she looks up at him. 

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing, Eren?” Hyla states. 

“Yeah. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” 

“Fine. You can meet with my dad tomorrow to talk about it. He’s been thinking about bringing Ricky James on for a while anyways.” Eren states. 

“Be my guest. You guys would fucking love him.” Eren states, running off. 

“I was still on Cloud Nine that night. And it was making my skin itch, knowing that Y/N was like four feet away from me and we were going to be together again. So I woke her up in the middle of the night and took her to the beach outside of one of the houses that Lana and I owned. And-” 

Eren tears up in the video, as you fight away the warm tears that are welling in your own eyes. 

“During that entire night, I-I was so fucking happy again. All of the things that seemed so consequential to me when I was seventeen, that I needed to be at the same level as Y/N to be with her - which would basically be impossible, because she was always going to be better than me - seemed so ridiculous. The two of us, we just got to be real people in the second. The way that we always got to be when we were together.” Eren states. 

“The following morning, Scott had shockingly agreed to let Eren and I be dismissed from our contracts, given that we finished off the press deals that we had going on. Which included the interview that we were going to do on the Life in Love podcast. Which should have ben our first, glaring red flag. That of course, we were never going to be let off that easy.” Lana states. 

“It was simple. I guess-I guess I was so fucking happy that I got to talk about me and Y/N, what the two of us coming back together meant to me, that I put it all out there. And the WBS paid off Life in Love and edited the version of the podcast that was released.” Eren states. 

“Granted, the part that’s always floored us that people never questioned it once. That the podcast clip that was released was barely ten minutes, when the episodes are usually an hour. That the podcaster has to ask questions to provoke the answers and that they weren’t even in the fucking video. And most of all - the fact that I didn’t even fucking talk thoughout the entirety of the interview.” Lana adds. 

“I would have told Y/N. I would have told her the full truth then and there and I know that she would have believed me. Except, the person that I least expected, came to me beforehand and stopped me from doing it.” Eren states. 

Eren’s met with an incessant pounding at his door, as he shoves all of his last belongings into his bag, ready to take off with you and Armin - and making your best efforts to drag Connie with you. 

Eren opens the door to find Myka at his door, out of breath and panting. 

“What?” Eren asks. 

“Eren. You can’t leave.” 

“Oh what the fuck do you want now? I’m taking Connie with me and that’s the fucking last of it.” Eren states. 

“No, Eren. Really. You can’t go right now.” she states, pushing into his room and fervently sliding through her phone. 

She hands him over the phone, with the email chain, as he anxiously reads through it and feels his heart drop. 

“There’s no way. They can’t do that right?” 

The email chain has the headlines - printed out and ready for distribution. Of them displaying every one of the last secrets that he wants out there front and center. About Connie being a drug addict, about Lana and Teddy, and of him and Y/N being homewreckers on the beach. 

“It’s just a headline. We’ll be fine.” 

“Eren. I read the article. They wrote about her brother’s in the article. About Lana and Ricky too - in detail.” 

“What do you mean in detail?” 

“They know everything, Eren. About every last detail of what he did to her, Eren. They’re going to put it all out there tomorrow, the second that you leave. And Y/N’s brothers…haven’t they literally been attacked before? This will be tenfold to that, Eren.” 

Eren sighs, shaking the thought from this head. 

“We’ll send them a security detail. And Lana, Connie, they’ll be-” 

“Eren. You know for a fact that Lana doesn’t want anyone to know that he even exists. And Connie’s career. He’s never going to recover from this. And it’s- Y/N won’t be happy, Eren.” She states. 

“So what the hell do you want me to do? Just stay here? Because there’s no way in hell that I’m letting Y/N stay here with me. And I know her - she’s not going to leave here without me.” 

“They have Falco and Colt’s addresses, Eren. And-and don’t tell anyone but fucking Danny and Sareen? Her producers? They’re in on it. Sareen is literally Scott’s cousin, Eren. They’re planning on taking Y/N’s music away from her, so that they can make money off if it without giving her a cut.” 

Eren pales. 

“They’re going to do that if she stays here. And you know for a fact that you can’t leave because Connie won’t go and Teddy and- Eren you have to stay. She has to leave.” 

“I can’t even fucking trust you. I don’t know what shitty game you’re trying to play here but it’s not funny.” 

“I care about you guys.” 

“Yeah right.” 

“Okay, maybe not about you. But Lana….I care about Lana. This is the last thing she would want, she literally works so hard to make sure that no one will know about him for good reason. It would kill her to see it all get leaked.” 

“Who the fuck is Lana to you? You don’t even-” 

Eren understands it all too quickly. The pained flash that overtakes her eyes, the eway she’s so incessantly pleading on Lana’s behalf. 

It’s because she’s in love with Lana. 

Eren sighs, pinching his eyes shut. 

“Do you have the article? I have to read it before I decide.” Eren states. 

She nods, as she opens up the next email chain andhands him the phone. And when he reads through it, each consecutive sentence makes his stomach hurt, making it glaringly obvious what he has to decide. 

Because the all but declare a smear chain against you and your brothers, slut shame you for what happened on he beach, drag Hange and Levi’s name to the blood, and leave no detail of Lana’s relationship with Ricky out. Things that no person should have aired out and Connie’s section nearly career ruining. 

“Fuck. So what do I do? I mean-” 

Eren can feel the tears burning in his eyes, as the leave warm, hot streaks down his skin. 

“You have to make sure she leaves, Eren. You can’t have Y/N stay here. It’ll put things back to normal.” Myka states, downtrodden. 

“She’s not going to leave. If I tell her, she’s going to want to stay with me. To be in my side during this and-” 

“Say what you have to. To make her leave.” 

“Think of the worst possible thing you could say, Eren.” 

“I did what she asked. I-I made sure that she would leave. And in hindsight, the entire situation seems so stupid that me. That there were ten other things that I could have done, but…in that moment, I did what I thought was right.” 

“It was idiotic in hindsight. Because it stopped them from running their smear campaigns on Lana and Connie, but Y/N was the one who got side sweeped in the middle of it.” Connie states. 

“That’s where I came in. Danny and Sareen had reached out to me about everything that had happened with Y/N and Eren. Told me that I needed to amke sure that she came out of this on the other side, that she couldn’t let a guy take her career away from her. And anyone who knows the half of it about me knows for a fact that it was the right thing that they needed me to say, to get her to do it. And really, they had purposely picked everyone who went to see Y/N. Jean, not Mikasa, because he had a personal interest in seeing Eren hurt, because he was hurt too. And Sukuna, who would never advise her head on, but support what she wanted to do in full.” Historia says. 

You groan, hanging your head in your knees as you know exactly what’s coming next. 

That Danny and Sareen had given Scott and his stupid tabloid company exactly what he wanted. That they were the one pushing you to sing all three songs, that each consecutive piece of information made you more irritated, more mad as you went on to perform. And worse than that - Danny and Sareen made it a point to talk to Eren before the show, just to taunt him to his face. 

“I had reached out to Levi and Hange for their help two weeks before the award show happened. And luckily enough for me, they helped us out of the situation, fast. Connie, Lana, Sukuna, and I sued Scott Clarkson for defamation of character, mistreatment of employees, and a dangerous workplace. We got to end our contracts early. And then moved forward.” Eren states. 

The video changes to different clips, each one striking deep in your heart. Of Connie blowing out the candles on his one year anniversary of being sober as Teddy blows out his birthday candles, of Eren and Zeke getting along, and of the four of them all together, laughing at stupid videos of each other. And Eren signing along with Lana, brings the tears pouring down your eyes. 

There was nothing left to do (Oh-oh, oh-oh) When the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room So I punched a hole in the roof (Oh-oh, oh-oh) Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you Rain came pouring down When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe And by morning Gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean (Oh, oh, oh, oh)

“Make no mistake. There was so much that was taken out of us, in the years that we spent working there at Stone Studios. In being part of an environment that was so shitty, so damaging to who we were and the mental state that we were living in, in the name of making a good movie. But there was good that came out of it too.” 

The clips switch, this time shocking you so deeply in your core that it makes your heart burn. Because the clips are of Sukuna and Lana, together. Swinging their hands together on the beach, cooking together in the kitchen, and kissing each other on the cheek. 

“I know for a fact now, that the tiny little wishes that I made against my bedroom door have come true. Because I’ve been lucky enough to be blessed with the warmest, most compassionate partner that I could have ever wanted.” 

Which is when you notice it. That in the video, Sukuna has the same little teddy bear tattoo as Lana on his forearm. And that they both have the tattoo for their son. 

Your past and mine are parallel lines Stars all aligned and they intertwined And taught you The way you call me, "Baby" Treat me like a lady All that I can say is All of the girls you loved before (ooh) Made you the one I've fallen for Every dead-end street Led you straight to me Now you're all I need I'm so thankful for All of the girls you loved before But I love you more

“Lana is the love of my life. I’m glad that every shitty thing in my life was just…preparation for me to get to her. Because every shitty betrayal, every crappy headline, every deep rooted hard feeling in my chest, she’s the person who was made to handle it. She’s gentle, she’s warm, and she’s everything I’ve ever wanted. And I’d go down this path a hundred times more if Teddy and Lana were always the ones waiting for me at the end.” Sukuna states. 

“It was a horrible situation. But it’s taught us to appreciate the very best. For me, I finally got to reconcile with my older brother, who go to tell me the real story of what happened to him as a kid. And now, I’ve gotten to rectify one of the most important relationships in my life.” Eren states. 

“I feel really shitty for how things went down, Eren.” Zeke states. 

Eren nods, hiking his knees to his chest, as he rests his chin against his legs. Hange and Levi had invited Zeke over in his little retreat in the house, as they prepared for the case at the end of the week, just to talk things out. Hange and Levi had all but forced Eren to be polite and at least hear him out. 

“I’m sure you’re too young to remember. But, that day at the hospital. They had started the rumors that I was funding drug dealers through money that I had in my back accounts.” Zeke states. 

“Well, what did you actually do with that money? Because I know for a fact that Mom and Dad had actually found money being shoveled out of your savings, Zeke.” 

He frowns. 

“You know my Mom, Eren?”

“What kind of dumbass question is that? We have the same mom, idiot.” 

“No, Eren. My biological mother.” 

“Oh, sorry. Dina, right?” 

“She’s not a good person. And I know that. But, she had reached out to me. Asking for money. She said that she needed the money for hospital bills and all that and that Dad wouldn’t return her calls. And that she feels horrible asking of this, because she knows I’m her son and she should have taken care of me, butcher really, reallyneeded it.” Zeke states. 

“And she…spent it on drugs.” Eren states. 

“Yeah. And Mom and Dad knew that, they believed me when I told them.” 

“They did?” 

“Yeah. But it was my decision to distance myself away from you guys. I wasn’t planning on doing it but…Mom lost a magazine cover, Dad lost a role, and…I knew that this was your dream. That you wanted to make it big and you couldn’t really make it big with me attached to your name.” 

“Zeke. That’s so stupid. I wouldn’t have cared about that. And I don’t care because-” 

“Eren. You don’t care now. There comes a point where everyone reaches this kind of stage. Where thje politics and the shitty tabliods, they make you realize that all of these things are really inconsequential. But at that age, this was all that you wanted. And I’d hate foryou to secretly resent me, resent my shitty decisions, becuase they were the ones that were holding you back.” 

“Zeke…”

“I’m just glad to have you back as my brother now. I know my actions don’t really make it seem that way, but you kind of meant the world to me, man.” 

The camera cuts, to a black screen with text on it, as the movie closes out. 

Eren Jaeger, Lana Price, Connie Springer, and Ryomen Sukuna sued Scott Clarkson and Stone Studios on November 6th. The four of them reached a settlement with the studio, each recieiving twenty-five millions dollars each from the Clarkson Conglomerate. 

Lana Price and Ryomen Sukuna have decided to split their settlement money two ways. Both are dedicating a half to ensure that they can continue to fund and upkeep security costs for their son, Theodore Price. And together, the two of them are donating the other half of their money to sexual assault victims, in hopes to support those who have similar experiences to the two of them. 

Connie Springer has decided to donate all of his settlement money in order to support the establishment of rehab centers in various cities throughout the country. He hopes to create an advocacy network for those who have struggled and hopes to shine a light on the problems that exist in the current, underfunded programs. 

Eren Jaeger, along with his settlement money, has asked Stone Studios for two additional items. First, he has asked for a copy of the original interview that he did for Life in Love, which he plans to return to Y/N L/N, who he claims was the only person who deserved to hear those words in the first place, the first chance he gets. 

Second, Eren Jaeger negotiated with the conglomerate for weeks for the masters to Y/N L/N���s album, The Lucky One. The negotiation was short-lived, but the Scott Conglomerate has promised to return the rights of the music to Y/N L/N. 

And third. Eren Jaeger has decided to donate his settlement money to fund arts programs throughout the Candian Provinces. Eren Jaegers album, Valedictorian, will donate all of the money produced in it’s first calendar year to the same cause. 

“Y/N has dreamed about being a triple threat since she was a kid. But the first time that she ever felt that the dream was real was when, according to her, a group of hippie dippies in her hometown had raised money and petitioned to fund the arts program at her school. Which in turn, helped her realize that this was something that she loved. More so than just something that she wanted to do as a career, but something that was so in tune with who she was as a person, that she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from doing it even if she wanted to. And I’d hate for people to look at me, or at her, and be dissuaded from coming into this industry, no matter how shitty it is. There’s really depth to her art and her work that can’t and wont’ ever be diminished by any of this. Which was the point of all of this anyway.” 

The video switches, this time to different clips of you and Eren. Of the two of you at awards shows togethers, sitting in interviews together laughing, and the nearly thousands of clips that Connie has made of you two together throughout the years. 

Of the two of you in love. 

I still remember the look on your face Lit through the darkness at 1:58 The words that you whispered for just us to know You told me you loved me So why did you go away?

“Make no mistake. Y/N L/N is the love of my life. She’s everything you want in the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and more. She’s compassionate, sensitive, and always been so understanding of me. There’s never been, and going to be, someone in my life that has such a pull on me the way she does. She’s the moon, she’s the only reason that I even push and pull in the way that I do. I wouldn’t be sitting here, in this chair today, telling my truth if she hadn’t been so brave, so truthful as to do it first. And I wouldn’t be sitting here, still wholeheartedly believing in love, even though I lost it, because I know for a fact that it would be a disservice to what we shared to turn myself away from it.” 

I never thought we'd have a last kiss I never imagined we'd end like this Your name, forever the name on my lips So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are Hope it's nice where you are

“It’s always that dumb question that people ask. Would you rather love and lose it or not love at all?” 

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed You can plan for a change in the weather and time But I never planned on you changing your mind

“The correct answer is always to chose love. And it’s an easy question when the person you’re loving is love personified.” Eren finishes. 

You turn over to Eren, teary eyed and the gaping, the burning feeling in your chest so immense that you can’t even fathom the words to say to him. So overwhelmed, so overstimulate from everything that you’ve heard - everything that you’ve felt - that you can barely keep your head on straight. The last song starts playing, which you can tell is entitled Fine Line from the credits line, as the words make the sobs wrack through you fully. 

We'll be a fine line We'll be a fine line We'll be alright We'll be alright We'll be a fine line We'll be a fine line We'll be alright (alright, alright, alright) 

You turn to him, his hands on your shoulders, as he reaches up to brush the tears off of your face. You can still feel yourself hiccuping in his touch, the look in his eyes so pained as he looks into your eyes. 

“I’m really sorry, Y/N. I’m so fucking sorry.” Eren whispers. 

“Eren. You- you fucking idiot. I’m going to kill you.” you whisper back, mustering your best glare as you frown at him. 

“That frown never stops being cute, you know? You have the horror appeal of a stuffed animal.” 

You shove him, in response, glaring at him as the burning in your chest slightly subsides. 

“Stop trying to lighten the mood. I’m ten different levels of mad at you right now.” 

“Okay. I’m going to say something crazy to you, but it’s just an idea, okay? We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to?” 

“What the fuck could be crazier than…oh, I told you that I didn’t care about you because I wanted to protect you? Or, oh, I sued a person who took everything away from me and instead of trying to get more money, I tried to get back the rights to your music. Or oh, THAT STUPID INTERVIEW I DID WAS FUCKING EDITED?” 

“Okay. Maybe it’s a little less crazy than that. But just hear me out okay?” 

“I can basically never hear that phrase the same from you again. The last time I didn’t hear you out, you were sitting on a butt load of fucking information. Like the fact that you took the fall for me when someone threatened my fucking family? Or oh, I was struggling for years on end but never once reached out to you or-” 

“Sweetheart. Just listen to me. Please.” 

You frown, crossing your arms as you look at him. 

“Everyone else is going to be on the press tour for another four days. And there are some people who want to see us….in Seattle.” 

“Seattle? Don’t tell me in some weird twisted way that you're friends with Hyla or something?” 

“Ew, no. Not Hyla. But your wife wistfully looks at the window everyday, wondering when you’re going to come home from war. And no I’m not being dramatic she makes that joke almost every day. And Sukuna said he has some choice words prepared for you that he’s been sitting on for a few years now. And, it’s also Teddy’s sixth birthday. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m kind of his favorite. And I know that he would like you too.” 

“You-” 

“It would just be for two days. We don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but the two of them. They really love you. They want to see you and…you have a lot to talk about. With both of them.” 

“Yeah. I-I want to see Lana. And Sukuna, they…. fuck, Eren. they went through so much. You- you went through so much. I’d like to see them and- Eren, I don’t know what to say but-” you respond, the tears warm as they spread down your eyes. 

“Don’t say anything yet. Sit on it for a little. I’ll pack our things, yeah?” he states, voice warm as he smiles at you. 

“Okay.” 

“One last thing, Y/N.” 

“Eren. You’re going to give me a heart attack.” 

He rolls his eyes, as he fishes through his pocket, and places a USB in your hand. You twist it over in your fingers as you look at it and give him a confused look. 

“The interview. Unedited. I-I meant what I said. You-you should be able to hear it. Those words are meant for you and you only.

You turn it over in your hands, preshing it flesh against your hand, as you and Eren step out of the townhouse into the snow and head towards the car for the airport. 

Hand in hand.

--

next part linked here

an: GUYS U CANT SIMP OVER SUKUNA ANYMORE HES A FATHER. LEAVE HIM ALONE I SWEAR TO GOD. that being said sukuna and lana appearances next chapter RAAAA. and as always, someone send me an ask for the valedictorian tracklist I HAVE IT LOCKED AND LOADED

taglist: @k0z3me @kayleegomez @yihona-san06  @bsenpai @sweetenertea @mykyoon @violetmatcha  @rebeccawinters @cutiejg @bokutosthings @bookwrmm @mblrrrr @wheredidmycrowngo @somethinginyoureyes7 @chilichopsticks @okaystopwhore @you-always-made-me-blush @itzmeme @firelordazulaaaa @whoami-72 @g-ghostly @intimacywithceline @erensmoodygf @cocomellxn @princess-ackerman @jaegerfiles @cacapeepee @rui-0836 @moonmalice @invisible-mori @sofiasber @bbybeeb @timetobegone @tee4str @ttokki2 @leave-rae-alone @ec3lipsy @officialsimpp @gojojang @yookayyo @lordbugs @multiplefandomthings @iobeyfandoms @camilo-uwu @justanotherkpopstanlol @mel-star636 @fvckingeetar @ttalgi @najaemism @ilovekimchi123 @youraggedybitch @xoyumiqls @leafguitar @mrksnctzen @spiidergirlsworld @luvs4kim @levin4nami @florichun @hoonmyluv

#seeingivywrites! #method acting #eren #eren x you #eren x reader #eren x y/n #eren angst #eren fluff #eren jaeger #eren jaeger x you #eren jaeger x reader #eren jaeger x y/n #eren jaeger fluff #eren jaeger angst #eren yeager #eren yeager x you #eren yeager x reader #eren yeager x y/n #eren yeager fluff #eren yeager angst #actor eren #actor eren x you #actor eren x reader #actor eren x y/n #aot #aot x you #aot x reader #aot x y/n #aot fluff #aot angst

[inthelittlewood]

Hey Martyn! So, I got into your lore because of Grian's Life Series, and now I'm just trying to find some stuff out. Anyways, I understand most of it, though I do have a couple questions.

What actually are LOOT shards/crystals? I know that they're soke aort of corruption in games of sorta, but how do they get there, how to they affect the game, and also how to disable them. It's just something I'm wondering about since I know you have to find the one piece, of treasure, but how does it actually help?

What are CHEST agents? I know that they're something almost as evil as Cruppy, which is really saying something, but what actually are they?

Are there any extra lore bits in Rats SMP that you can't get anywhere else? I just wanna know if I should grit my teeth and watch it sometime, when I'm done catching up on the VODs of Pirates (can't make it to streams for personal reasons, alas).

If you've come up with it, is there any way that the Watchers lore from the Life Series ties into the datastream hopper lore? Those two just seem a little incompatible to me - hopping the datastream, being captured by mysterious godlike entities... Or are they just two separate universes?

Do you plan on posting the New Life streams on your vods channel?

Who in Pirates is p!Martyn closest to in each faction, overall?

Also, I think you may have mentioned it on stream, but did you take the faction quiz and if so, which faction did you get? I kid you not, when I took it I got Kestrels all three times (with changing the answers to stuff that I would still do, but different than first time, I mean). Had to change it up just to see all the different faction descriptions...

Ok, I think that's it. Sorry if I have bad formatting btw, I'm typing this out on phone. Thank you for taking the time to read my questions! Absolutely love your work and lore, while at the same time having the humour some don't. Keep on doing an amazing job. Hope you find your one piece, of treasure.

Have an ice day!

That's something I want to unveil in the next lore drop, so I'm really sorry to say SoonTM but this lore doesn't have all that many secrets atm

2. C.H.E.S.T agents work are avatars controlled by human operators working for C.H.E.S.T and its evil underbelly. They're a known and trusted public computing corporation but the public doesn't know the full extent of their goals and resources

3. I try to be pretty concise and unavoidable when I do my lore stuff, so you should be able to find the Rats segments in this playlist with ease: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3MFbfp1zo8dooC57HqfbizRoc07PdlFQ

4. Maaaaaaybe, people have noticed some parallels / links and all shall be revealed one day for sure, even if I'm like gonna quit doing videos and streaming, I'd just lore dump whatever isn't revealed so it's out there ha

5. A lot of my New Life streams are me just doing the grindy parts of the SMP and with the server being somewhat inactive I want to save the crossover / collab content for the videos - I'm not sure people would flock to a 3 hour vod of me painfully and slowly building an outpost or hollowing out a mountain to make a factory ya know?

6. Kestrels - probably Sausage, with Oli as a close second. Herons - Owen or Water. Owen has an inquisitive gene like Martyn and Water likes all things musical. Nightingales - Ros is so different to Martyn that it makes for some wholesome and chaotic interations, you never know which you'll get. Kites - Bek is basically the only one he's interacted with, he had a little banter on the seas with Kuervo but it was brief

7. I did! I surprisingly got Kestrel, or I guess, not surprisingly huh?

#itlwlore #piratessmp #pirates smp #scurvyblr #inthelittlewood

[crispylilworm]

last i’m posting about this xoxo sorry about the watcher spam recently but i feel the need to put my 2 cents in since my opinion on this doesn’t align with the vocal majority on this site

gotta admit my first youtuber drama experience was a 0/10 not because of what the creators did but solely because of the insanity of the fandom. because…wow. i have never seen a group of people throw around demands and accusations of betrayal in such a dramatic way lol. maybe i’m in the minority here but i felt the majority of responses and criticism just were any lacking basis at all.

my first thoughts with the announcement were literally “oh good for them new streaming service, i won’t be going for it, but maybe after a few months i’ll consider paying for a 1-time sub to catch up on everything”. sure some disappointment i wouldn’t get regular updates but overall excited for the new content this pay structure would give them the flexibility to create.

maybe because i didn’t get into youtubers until the pandemic when watcher was already it’s own independent thing i don’t have that same (*cough cough* parasocial) level of connection, just really enjoy the videos they put out. maybe because i go through subscription-of-the-month stints of paying for a patreon or twitch or other creator channel and rotate what i watch, this didn’t feel outrageous to me. i hate the subscription world we live in so i go out of my way to never pay more than a strict budget limit per month because that’s my ability and that’s my mentality on this. i thought at best maybe i’d consider rotating this in when they put out more.

don’t like the idea of it? you don’t have to pay for it. can’t afford it? i understand the disappointment from this aspect but creators don’t actually owe you anything for free - even if it was free in the past. overall and for whatever reasoning you have: it wasn’t that deep.

if anything i am in a way thankful that they rescinded on their decision because that means me & others will continue to enjoy videos for free. but overall i’m disappointed that this means they’re sacrificing their own creative wants and financial needs of whatever they had planned. we won’t actually know the extent of what, if anything, this prevents them from creating because y’all wouldn’t even let them attempt to try this next phase out.

fans saying “well we don’t want high-budget content” well maybe they want to explore more than what they’re currently able to do? maybe they want to create more beyond their buzzfeed-format videos they know will rack in views from the nostalgia-obsessed side of the fans? i, too, personally love their humor and would just enjoy them chatting and being silly, but i do also think this holds them back. remember those hilarious self-made commercials from their most recent videos? that's probably just a glimpse of what new flavors of content they’re able to think up.

this whole fan response was just disappointing (and pretty scary ngl) to me, and i know saying that is like kicking a hornets nest but i really think if they continued with the plans from their original announcement it would have been ok. i actually think it would have been more than ok! but the response imploded so hard i’m sure we’ll never see them try something new again lol.

my personal thoughts are that if your opinion in any way revolved around something they “owe” to fans, feelings of “betrayal”, thinking they’re “sell outs” for wanting to transition to paid content - i think you really need to take a step back and reflect, and i mean that with zero malice. watcher is a business, not your friends, not “the boys”, not your guaranteed source of a specific type of content either. ultimately they made a business decision that they thought would help them grow that would have either succeeded or failed, that's it. for better or worse, we wont get to watch that play out.

i will continue my quiet enjoyment of their videos, and happily move on past what i frankly think was the most unnecessary internet drama i’ve seen in a minute lol. the takes overall were dumb but tame, i only blocked a handful of accounts for posting things i thought were totally out of line that i won't get into but i'm sure you've either seen or heard people discussing.

i didn't even get in to my hot takes lol like how this plays into the dangerous trend of the expectation of art to be free....and the overall devaluing of creatives and why AI is thriving in these areas...but ill defend that thesis another day lol. y'all aren't ready for that.

#watcher #my thoughts #long post #putting this in read more so yall dont jump me lmao #overall conclusion is #its not that deep

[analoghorrorexplained]

Analog Horror Review: UrbanSPOOK

[ Warning, this post will contain spoilers for the work of media mentioned in the title. This review will also contain mentions of upsetting topics such as the SA and SA of a minor. Please read at your own risk]

It has been awhile since I have made an analog horror review since, well, there have not been many series I have seen that has caught my eye. But, while I am not really “dazzled” by the newer content being put out there (minus Vita Carnis). But... despite me not really finding much of what is being released right now interesting... I found myself unable to not say anything about the series above. 

UrbanSPOOK is an analog horror series detailing the exploits of an extremely violent serial killer who leaves paintings at the scenes of his crimes. That is it. The horror from this series is actually a little different than what we are used to since instead of something paranormal or extraordinary happening all of what we are seeing happen is caused by a presumably normal (although extremely deranged) man with no other extraordinary traits. In a way, this makes urbanSPOOK more realistic than some other series. Things like this could very well happen (and probably are happening) in our real world. This is more or less the extent of the plot. Each video is set up to be a VHS recap of the crimes of this serial killer recounting in detail how this serial killer murdered these people in the most violent way they could. And in each video, the paintings left behind by this person are shown. 

I watched the entire series which was not hard to do since each video was under 5 minutes long. And I did not like what I saw.

For one, as many others have said, UrbanSPOOK does not really use the actual genre of analog horror that well. While I can tell the creator put some serious effort in those paintings along with research involving the methods of killing: the series itself is more reminiscent of a slideshow. There is no reason this could not have been any other type of horror or even just a series of twitter posts providing backstories for these paintings. These videos dont seem like PSAs since they do not state what organization they originate from or any other specifics like the dates these murders happened, approximate locations, or any other details that really give us a time or a place. With the analog format, you are supposed to be using analog formats of media to tell a story. This can take the form of a channel hijacking, old TV ads, old children's shows, PSAs, or radio broadcasts (among others). While the channel says the videos we are being shown are from supposedly “old VHS tapes”, they do not even show the old VHS grain or distortions most tapes have and, again, lack a lot of the information we already went over. There is no time frame for events other than “2 months ago” or “4 months ago” nor is there a location, or even any organizations we can trace things back to.

If this is supposed to be a PI or a family member of a victim raising awareness, why are they detailing the killings in such crippling detail when the focus should be on catching the guy doing this? If this is meant for police eyes only (which would explain the graphicness) why is there a number at the end of the video? If this was made by the killer, what would be the point in doing this when they are already leaving behind paintings at the scene? And if this is a news network: all of the above is still true but why is there no secondary voiceover? Why are they showing the paintings when those paintings do not help identify the victims and are evidence? Why are no specific locations being mentioned other than “the lighthouse” or “a mine”. At least with series like Gemini Home, Vita Carnis, Local 58, and Mandela, we have some sort of base location we get to be familiar with. We know why the story is being presented in analog format. It makes sense because the story is set in a time where that is the only format available. We have clues. This isnt giving us anything other than the phone number. And the phone number only tells us that the series takes place in Louisiana, near New Orleans, and is sometimes during of after 2001 since that's when that area code was introduced. And even then, DVDs were introduced in 1996 and surpassed the sale of tapes by 2003. This isnt to say people did not use VHS after 2001 but by 2008 everything was mostly switched over to the DVD format. 

My point is: the story does not make a lot of sense in the format it is. Either the creator is having this take place in the early 2000s which... I guess can work but then begs the question of the phone number. But if its before then: the phone number itself is a massive continuity error. 

That is not the only issue I have with the series though.

Sexual assault, themes of genital mutilation, and pedophilia are also pretty common or at least are openly displayed in the series. Grant it, these are traits the killer is shown to possess. These are not things being inherently endorsed or promoted. However, what I do take issue with is the fact that the series lingers a little bit too long on describing these acts and the violence that results from them and not really much else. While the series creator has stated multiple times on now-deleted tweets that he does not view himself as “having limits” in regards to his series and makes this mostly for shock value: I do not think this should excuse just how haphazardly the subject of SA is handled. Almost every episode of the series has something that is either blatantly rape or can be interpreted as a form of rape somewhere in the episode. And a lot of these scenes also involve children, mutilation, or the abuse of animals as well. This is in almost EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. And once again, these are all described in sickening detail. 

Other than being “gross and disturbing” it serves no narrative purpose just like it being on a VHS doesn't. If this was supposed to make us hate the villain: we already have gotten to that point I think. If anything, we have gone well past it. But what also bothers me is that these themes also pop up in the creator's other work. This same issue is a near-constant thing with the other work they put out. I am not accusing the creator of anything, lets be clear on that, but it is not a good look to admit you make content for shock value, have SA be a main theme in your work, and then make a lot of art also about SA and the SA of kids while also selling the painting your in-world serial killer made of a SAed murdered child as merch. 

If you want to address some dark real-world subjects, do that, other places have (for example the SCP foundation or Mandela). But doing that and describing the most graphic rape scene you can think of are not the same thing. Not only is it lazy, it just makes your series into torture porn. It serves little purpose. And when that is a majority of what you talk about: I am inclined to think you have more of a darker connection with that topic beyond using it to simply advance your art. Again, this is not an accusation, just an observation from what is public. 

Overall, between the fact this series fails to really live up to what “analog horror” actually is and lacks any story beyond “here is this guy, he kills people in really violent ways, he leaves paintings behind, and did I mention he does fucked up stuff with their genitals” and it does not progress beyond that. It is edge-fodder without a coherent story or point for existing beyond being disturbing. The only thing that makes this series interesting is the fact its a person doing this and not a monster but after recent episodes even that is questionable. The fact that a teenager who spends a little bit too much time on Liveleak could have written this tells me its not worth following further. The horror here is the fact that something this seemingly loved by other people is this terrible in terms of execution and its ability to convey a point other than “look, a mangled human body I may or may not have SAed, be afraid”. 

Over all I give this a “For the love of god try harder, and no not in that way/10″. While the art is well made, I have no idea why this series gets praise when it fumbles this badly at everything it tries to do. This could have been so good, why is it so bad?

And analog horror community, get better standards if this is the “new standard” of the genre. This is laughable. 

#ubranspook #analog horror #analog horror explained #analog horror review #horror #tw: sa mention #tw: mutilation #urbanSPOOK

[dearweirdme]

Hi!

I was catching up and reading your blog posts of the past two days that I missed. And at the same time was watching a whole drama unfold on Twitter over BTS book.

I read some spoilers and plan to read someone's pdf version as soon as it gets done by some generous armys cause my hardcover is not getting to me in another few weeks with the shipping and all.

My general expectations were: the stuff that we already know with some new details for clarification, some new humorous and sad stories. And of course jikook content.

And my expectations were right as it seems. Judging by the spoilers it exactly as I imagined.

There were obvious discussions over the way the boys were treated in the first 5 years of their career. Some other moments. And of course, jikook.

I was not surprised when I saw jikook trending. Apparently there's a chapter titled ""real" love" that has some jikook moments (or maybe I misunderstood the placement of said moments).

And of course we have mentions of GCF Tokyo trip. And jkkrs are already tripping over themselves in joy about it. And I just genuinely don't get why. Cause the book is literally "memories" dvd transformed into printed format. Heavily curated and edited by the company. Just like all the other content by the company. (At least some of the jkkrs' delusions about the trip were addressed, like, some of them think that they went rogue with that trip without company knowledge. Glad, that's debunked.)

Jkkrs kekeing how they don't see anything about "privet couple" moking taekook and tkkrs. And all I can do is just... sigh.

Of course that would be nothing there about taekook. BH went out of their way to minimize their interactions in official content. The same way that jikookers knew for years that in "memories" they'll see jikook the same way I knew that we will see jikook in the official autobiography and won't see taekook.

How are we in the year 2023 still debating about official vs unofficial content/interactions? Especially, when in the past 1-2 years jkkrs saw how that works in action.

It's kinda funny that I see now how jikookers and company mimicking each other. Both are just rehashing the same jikook pillars.

I'm not surprised company is reminding people about jikook considering they probably knew jkkrs would go absolutely feral with the lack of content. It's funny because it would've worked even if they released it 2 years earlier (like I believe it was originally planned). By the time the book would've been coming out the group would also been deep in solo era with next to zero jikook interactions.

There were obviously some wholesome moments between JK and Jimin as well as between all the members as far as I can see (I saw a cute Vmin mention). But from what I read taekook erasure is so obvious yet 100% expected.

I'm just surprised that jkkrs don't see that no way BH is putting any actual couple moments in a book that they know would become an Amazon #1 bestseller and top other countries book charts as well.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you plan on reading the memoir?

Hi @madmadmadalice!

Yeah, there was never going to be much Tae and Jk in the book. But, I doubt any of the members romantic relations will be. Romantic love is just off limits to them, and so it should be. The lack of platonic Tae and Jk mentions (though we have to read the whole to make sure to what extent this goes) is a result of the way they have been separated all those years. They can't actually go and change that view now. There's been a whole ITS 10 minutes dedicated to make sure everyone knew Tae and Jk had 'drifted apart'. They are going to stick with what the narrative was. If anything they will mention the "Tae helped Jk out of his shell and they often got scolded together" they have been working with.

I like that there's a book, I'm definitely going to buy it, but I'm also very much aware that this is only what they want us to know. They'll dive deeper into stuff that's been long done and settled and that won't harm people they still have bonds with (and that they want to keep). But they can't tell us everything, because when they return from enlistment, they still want their careers to work... so they can't burn every bridge there is.

Jkkrs can laugh about this Tokyo trip being mentioned all they want, but it's only yet another sign that it is completely platonic. Ofcourse they wouldn't put a romantic trip in this book. Come on. This being mentioned has a purpuse, and it works well in the book. It's to show how BTS's lives have changed and what limits there are to their freedom. How fans are wonderfull, but also a safety hazard (therefore the title 'real' love). It is not a chapter about "real love" like Jkkrs want to think, it's probably (going on a lim here because i haven't read it) about how fans love them, but it's a weird kind of love that's not always good for the parties concerned.

So yeah I'm definitely going to read it and I'm looking forward to it actually. I do think it will give us some insights that we haven't had yet, but I'm very much aware that this is only part of the story. It's company aproved, it's been heavily edited, it gives us what they want us to know.

#taekook #book spoilers

[ftm-radio]

okay, I'm diverting from the default ask/answer format for this one because there are mentions of sensitive topics. I generally prefer to avoid these topics (though i dont have that posted anywhere, so no worries, anon) but I do want to answer anyway to try and help out.

I'd rather err on the side of caution for anybody who does not wanna read any of this, so I'm putting the ask and my response under a cut.

⚠️cw: brief mentions of sex & horniness, along with concerns about fetishization

Anonymous:

So…I don’t really know how to phrase this but I’m hoping you can help and this isn’t creepy. I’m a straight cis woman and have never had dysphoria beyond what I assumed was normal puberty woes (hated my chest getting bigger, hated getting a period, hated dresses). Recently something came up during sex that put the thought in my head of having a penis and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I bought a binder and almost screamed with joy at how I looked but chalked it up to looking skinnier without my breasts in the way. (I’ve always had body image issues and I thought it was about weight but now I’m…not sure?)Today, “just to see”, I stuffed my pants with socks and I swear I almost passed out with how amazing it looked and felt. But with each of these explorations has come a really strong, idk how to better phrase it, horniness, like more than I’ve ever felt before when dressing up my female sexiness. So now I’m really confused about whether it’s like I’m just feeling confident and sexy and that’s why vs maybe I’m fetishizing? I don’t know any trans guys so idk if this is normal or if I’m being gross. I’m sorry if this is offensive and weird and you can ignore me if so but i just feel so bad and confused and idk what to do or who to talk to.

okay so right off the bat I wanna assure you that no, this is not creepy, offensive, or weird! you aren't doing any harm by exploring your gender and/or how you present yourself. it's totally fine to try new things and experiment and question! (it can be fun & i feel like more people should do that, tbh.) and I'm not an expert on what is/isn't fetishization, but what you're describing does not sound like fetishization to me. so I hope that helps you feel better and eases some of the anxiety!

Now, there's a lot more to discuss, so I'm gonna get right into it. This will be wordy. Buckle up.

Let's start with dysphoria and euphoria.

You mention hating when your chest got bigger, and I definitely understand that. I didn't actively start disliking my chest until after I realized I could potentially be rid of it, but for as long as I can recall I've been emotionally distant and uninterested in that part of me to such an extent that as a teen I would occasionally, uh... daydream about getting breast cancer and needing to have my breasts removed and then thinking, 'yeah,,, I'd be fine with that.' hahaha #justgirlythings amirite?

You also mention possible body image issues around weight. I'm a fat trans guy, and before I realized I was trans I also thought all my problems with my body all revolved around the fact that I was fat, that that was why I was uncomfortable and why I felt like my body didn't fit. I didn't know anything about dysphoria or trans people until I was an adult, so all I knew growing up was that being fat was "bad" and that's what I got bullied and snickered at for, so *of course* that was why I felt shitty about myself!!! Yeah, not quite. My brain just didn't know what the problem was so I directed all the blame at the thing I did know about.

But nowadays, I'm just not as bothered by my weight/body shape. I felt like my only chance at being happy as a girl (or a.. woman, I guess. ew.) was to be thinner and fit society's beauty standards as much as possible, but now I know that I can be happy just being a guy. any guy. fat, thin, buff, somewhere in between—I'd be content anywhere in that spectrum as long as I'm a guy. It wasn't my size/shape that was the problem, it was my gender, and gender dysphoria. And maybe that's how it is for you, too. it's something to consider, at least.

Okay, moving along! so dysphoria is the crappy part, the discomfort and distress. Let's get to its fun (and much cooler) cousin you may not have heard much about: gender euphoria!

See, what you experienced when you tried a binder & packing for the first time sound quite a bit like gender euphoria to me. In my experience, the first few times you feel euphoria are the most intense and vivid because its a big shock to your system after however many years you've gone feeling not-quite-right. And then after a while you kind of get used to it and it's not quite so overwhelming. It's like first you have these crazy fireworks going off, but then it simmers down to a cozy little candle. Still glowing, still warm, but it's more familiar, more like home.

You also mention feeling a different kind of excitement (horny) and I'm.. not sure I can help you much with figuring that out. 😅 I'm decidedly quite asexual, so I don't have a whole lot of experience with uhhhh sexy feelings and whatnot. I do think you could definitely be feeling way more confident in yourself and your appearance, and that might be what's leading to these feelings, but that's as far as I can guess.

I can at least attest to the fact that binding and presenting more masc made me more confident in my appearance and feel better about myself just like, in general, so for someone who is more inclined to ~sexy feelings~ than I am, I think it would make sense for you to feel hotter? idk, I don't really go here.

now, regarding your worries about fetishizing. I already said before that I don't think that's what's going on (and i still stand by that) but I just want to explain that a little more. Your excitement seems to be focused more on yourself and what you're doing than, say, trans men or trans people in general, so I don't think that's a fetish. If you were specifically lusting after trans guys because of their transness, that would be fetishization, I think. In my opinion, it sounds like you're just feeling yourself out and learning what makes you feel good, and that's perfectly fine. Nothing wrong with that. :)

As for not knowing what to do about all this, I would say that reaching out to somebody (me, in this case) is a great first step. If you're trying to figure yourself out and what you want, then research can help, especially if you don't know a lot about trans people and the lgbt+ community in general. Obviously you found my blog, but there are plenty of others you might find helpful! I specifically recommend @ transgenderteensurvivalguide as they have a lot of info and resources that have helped me out (despite not being a teen, lol).

Another option for you (in addition to research) is to dig down deep and do some journaling!!! yeah. sorry. it's kind of my go-to. write about what you're feeling and ask yourself questions. (If you want a sort-of guide thing for this, I answered another ask recently-ish on my blog where I had a bunch of example questions that i myself have used when journaling.)

If you want to jump right in and try more than binding or packing, you could also try experimenting with what pronouns you use! whether it's in-person with safe people you trust, or with an anonymous account online that your friends/family won't find, that could help you get a sense of what's up!

Okay, i think that's all I've got right now. This wound up pretty long, as per usual, and responding to this took a bit longer than I meant to, but I hope you're still hanging around and this can help you out, anon. I also hope anybody else who reads this can benefit in some small way.

I think one of the most important things for you to do is to go easy on yourself. Gender is way more complicated than our cis-iety (cis society, I 100% stole this word from someone) teaches us. it's okay to be confused and not know quite where you're at, and it's okay if you don't have an answer right away. you have time to figure this out. hell, you can take as long as you want. there's no rush! nobody is standing at the golden Gates of Validation with a stopwatch to see if you're fast enough to get in.

if you have more questions, my inbox is open, and I wish you the best, wherever you end up.

💜

#ftm radio #listener call in #ask #anon #questioning #trans #transgender #ftm #gender questioning #gender identity #gender

[yourfavoritehouseplant]

hi! pls ignore this if it's too personal but if i may:

would you mind sharing what was pointed out about your love of pathologic on your diagnosis? i'm not diagnosed but i have my suspicions and whenever i get a new special interest it seriously feels like. my serotonin supply. to a concerning amount. anyway i just wanted to see how similar my feelings are to yours w patho!

i hope you have a great weekend!

Oh it’s not too personal! I actually find a lot of this stuff really interesting!!

So the DSM5 diagnostic criteria for autism right now has two major categories, A and B, with B separated into 4 smaller categories.(There’s some flaws with this system but we’re gonna ignore that for now!)

Anyway one of those 4 categories is defined as “Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus” which is honestly pretty non-specific??

From my understanding, most formal autism assessments follow are structured like a test? Mine followed more of an interview format. (I think it was because the psychiatrist I saw mostly assesses adults? So she didn’t find the tests, which are kinda geared towards kids, that helpful??) Anyway she basically just asked about my interests to see what would happen.

I talked about a few things,especially pathologic since it was a recent example, and bam now it’s in the diagnostic breakdown for the rest of time.

Anyway if you’re wondering about like. Special interests and stuff. From what I can tell the difference from “normal” interest is just how pervasive they are. Like they’re really intense or take up a lot of thought at a given time, or they show up “without appropriate stimulus” whatever that means. A lot of autistics find joy in knowing or experiencing as much as they can about a given interest, apparently to an extent or intensity not seen in most allistic folks? So I’ve spent hundreds of hours of my life consuming pathologic content, or drawing the characters, or talking about it with friends (who mostly have no idea what I’m saying, love you guys). I also just rotate the little characters in my head if I need something to think about. They make me happy :)

Also, as a side note, special interest type things also just vary from interest to interest. Like they can be very all consuming for a short period of time, or just a facet of most of your life. One thing I learned from talking to my psychiatrist was that the sort of separation between a “special interest” and “hyperfixation” folks on the internet tend to use isn’t really well defined.

I can’t speak for any other autistics, obviously, but I hope this helps!!And also isn’t too long I did not mean to type this much whoops

#if you saw the previous draft of this no you didnt #also that patho autism post blew up a few hours ago and I have no idea how to react #also also first ask?? wild im a big boy tumblr user now

[mulderfx]

Okay we have been moots for a long time and Ilysm but can you PLEASE explain Ghost to me. I've tried trying to figure it out read all the Wikipedia etc but I can't figure it out. Do the members of this group go through ritualistic cycles of sacrifice and rebirth for their characters or do they rotate casts every few years like a kpop band? There are all these side characters? All this lore? I get that every album is a concept but it seems a lot more in depth than that and it seems really interesting but, bestie, I am literally sat here like

Every time you make a ghost post and I am BURNING WITH CURIOSITY

SCREAM ily2 okay i’ll try my best to explain!! and also you have three options with ghost, as many fans will tell you: you take the lore as Ghost Scripture (ie super seriously), you dabble in lore and make it fit where you want for your own theory/belief of Ghost, or you simply just vibe and adore Ghost as is, minimal lore involvement.

Lore wise, the band originated with Papa Nihil (aka Papa Emeritus) in the late 60s (may have the date wrong?) with the Seven Inches of Satanic Panic album—real world wise Ghost only released a EP of this album as a “re-release,” which is where Mary On A Cross comes from, if you’re on tiktok a lot you’ve probably heard the song.

Real world wise, Ghost started with Papa I in 2010, at least I think that’s when the album dropped, if you talk about literal formation idk the year. Each album there has been a new Papa (1-3), all from the same Emeritus bloodline. Papa I and 2 ascended to Satanic Pope Status because, as far as i’ve understood, it was just time to pass the torch per the Satantic Clergy demands. Real world wise, I think it’s just because Tobias (the actual front-runner/singer of the band, the guy behind the paint if you will) likes to keep evolving his sound and looks. He himself said he gets bored easily, so with each new album Ghost gets 1) new concept and thus “new” sound and 2) new Papa.

In relation to your question about rituals and sacrifices, this is the main contention and debate by fans and Tobias himself to an extent since he’s relatively silent on it LMAO. So, as I’ve said, each album = new Papa from the Emeritus Bloodline. At the end of Papa IIIs tour for his Meliora album, he was dragged off stage during his concert and subsequently killed, along with his brothers Papa I and Papa II. No one knows exactly why. Many speculate that Sister Imperator (Nihil’s lover during the Satanic Panic era, former lover as of current lore) ordered to have them all killed. Long story short, Nihil cheated on her ass and she said bye, bitch. Clergy wise and currently, she still works alongside Nihil for the Ghost Project; so, she was like “I have the perfect candidate.” Enter Cardinal Copia!! Copia had his album cycle for Prequelle. He gets promoted to Papa regency afterwards, thus granting another album— the current Impera album. He is the first Papa to have two cycles, so many fans speculate he IS a part of the Emeritus bloodline. This sect of fans think Sister Imperator (get it…ImperaTOUR for the Impera album cycle…) was pregnant with Copia when she left Nihil’s dusty, crusty ass 😤 Many fans also believe that he isn’t Nihil’s son. Tobias has neither confirmed nor denied outright, but during the imperaTOUR rituals (ie concerts) Papa says “this is a song that my Papa used to sing.” Many people say this is evidence enough of Copia being his son, but maybe he’s just calling Nihil by his title, as he has done in Ghost’s Youtube Chapter (Lore) videos.

And finally, the “cast” itself doesn’t really change, but it did once. Tobias has always been Papa/Ghost singer. His identity was supposed to be kept low profile, but the band had a big inside lawsuit between members, namely Tobias vs the Ghouls. Long story short, post-lawsuit Tobias remained (as Ghost is His project) and the ghouls were replaced—I can’t remember who exactly but there is a mega thread on reddit about it. The current Ghouls have been the same since that lawsuit, and their identities were also kept low profile until the beginning of the Impera tour. Fun side not: some suspect the ghouls are gonna overthrow Copia at the end of 2023 tour cycle. Who knows.

Tobias is so fucking smart: lyrically, conceptually, textbook, etc. But he’s also so fucking goofy that his lore straddles the line of being serious and complex AND soooo fucked up and ambiguous, just the way I love it. Everything is open for interpretation, even when it’s not, the goal is just to have fun. This band is about Satanism, but not in the Metal Elitist™️ way. It’s about the worst of mankind, but it’s also about the best. I really don’t know how to explain Ghost in its actuality, satanism wise, other than really suggesting you listen to Tobias explain it in his own words in this interview compilation. honestly any tobias interview is just great. he’s so insightful.

if i didn’t answer your question(s) right, let me know! i word vomited, but I tried to reel it in. please forgive me sjdndksn edit: oh fuck the album concepts. basically tobias is three steps ahead and already has concepts picked out each cycle and yeah they kind of flow together but they can be stand alones. redirecting back to my statement of tobias making ghost both complex and ambiguous at all times.

#literally this is so long winded i’m so sorry about that #but i genuinely don’t know how to condense what Ghost is because it’s so much and so complex while also being— #—super goofy and ambiguous #ghost #i’m putting this public so any of my ghost moots can chime in if they want!!!!!!!! #scylla-rammshorn #asks #if you wanted really detailed explanations check out slavghouls tumblr #it’s a plethora of ghost info! and better than i could ever describe #i don’t really dive deep into the lore and such tbh im just here to admire

[ippnoida]

Fespa in Amsterdam – Look to the East

To some extent, this year’s main Fespa trade show was always going to be overshadowed by Drupa. That’s one reason why Fespa likes to get out of Germany and visit Amsterdam in Drupa years, plus Northern Europe tends to attract a more sign and display oriented crowd.

However, this year’s event was on a much bigger scale than previous Fespa outings to the Rai centre in Amsterdam, with three main halls – 1,2 and 5 – plus a further three – 10,11 and 12 – off to one side. Even better, the press office was handily located in the walkway between the two halves, complete with coffee, and there was a strong WiFi signal throughout the show.

My impression was that the show was busier than I would have expected, especially on the second day. However, a number of the established exhibitors were missing, including HP, Fujifilm and Canon. In part this was due to the upcoming Drupa but it’s also worth noting that this year’s show is a little earlier than usual, meaning that the vendors have to cover the costs of both last year’s and this year’s Fespa in the same financial year, with the added cost of Drupa just around the corner.

For journalists, this problem is amplified because Fespa took place right at the time that many vendors are starting to announce their Drupa plans in the hope of picking up coverage in the May issues of the trade magazines, which will mostly go to press early to mid-April.

http://indianprinterpublisher.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Fespa_Entrance_L1049687_WQWeb650.jpg

And yet there was still plenty to see at Fespa, mostly in terms of how the large format market is evolving rather than any ground breaking new technologies. I was struck by how many vendors are now rounding out their portfolios, introducing mid-range products to fill perceived gaps in their offerings, but with very little that really raises the bar in terms of higher productivity or lower costs. This is a clear sign that the market has matured and that the vendors don’t see any further value in pouring money into R&D other than for incremental improvements. Nor do I have a sense that we are going to see a lot of new large format kit at Drupa; instead the vendors are moving into newer, more lucrative markets, mainly packaging and textiles, albeit building on the IP they have developed in large format.

In recent years Fespa has become a show of two halves, split between the sign and display markets and the textile printing, particularly for the garment sector. If anything, this contrast between the two halves was even more stark at this year’s show. Consequently, for this story I’m going to concentrate on the sign and display side but will follow up with a separate story on the garment solutions.

The other very noticeable trend was for more Chinese manufacturers which now make up a very large percentage of the overall vendors present. In some cases, the Chinese technology appears to be quite rudimentary, but many Chinese companies can now clearly rival their Western counterparts.

http://indianprinterpublisher.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Ricoh_AngeloMandelli_L1049728_WQWeb450.jpg

Angelo Mandelli, Senior Product & Business Development manager for Ricoh Europe’s large format business, explains, “We recognised Flora as a good partner. They are already a Ricoh printhead customer. It’s a very stable device because this is the third generation of Flora hybrid solutions.” He adds, “We could change the brand on this product but anyone with experience in this market would recognize this machine.”

Flora were also happy to accommodate Ricoh with a number of changes, including switching from Gen5 to Gen6 printheads which allows Ricoh to work with a smaller native 5pL drop size. Mandelli adds, “We requested to use linear motors instead of stepper motors, which gives us less energy consumption and less maintenance and the carriage moves more smoothly and is quicker so there are a lot of advantages.”

Mandelli notes, “Flora has a lot of mechanical competence with hardware. We can combine this with our skills in software and can create our ICC profiles to create our own Ricoh hybrid proposition and improve our portfolio. And it’s a quicker approach to the market for us. It takes a lot of time to produce stuff today and we already have a lot of good partners.”

He continues, “There are a lot of advantages to the Flora approach. It has a white cleaning system, an anti-crash sensor and an ioniser bar.” He adds, “And we decided to create ICC profiles dedicated to this product. And we have the Ricoh organisation with our services and sales and logistics team.”

He points out that Flora is very flexible and willing to use different printheads and RIPs to suit OEM partners. This flexibility seems to be a hallmark of Chinese manufacturers, with Pooja Rajpal of Zhongke India making exactly the same point to me earlier this year at the Pamex show in India.

The ink comes from a third party supplier based in EMEA but Mandelli won’t say who. There’s a choice of ink configurations, starting with just CMYK, then CMYK plus two white channels, or CMYK plus one white and one clear ink. Naturally Ricoh has created the waveform to drive the printheads. The RIP is Production Server 23 from ColorGate, which is a subsidiary of Ricoh, complete with dedicated device drivers for the X20. It will produce up to 116 square meters an hour in its Express mode but a more realistic production figure is 50 square meters an hour.

Interestingly, this arrangement is with Ricoh Europe rather than Ricoh as a whole, and so Ricoh is only planning on selling the X20UV in the Europe, Middle East and Africa region. Mandelli says that the company has other arrangements in different regions, such as the US where Ricoh cooperates with EFI. That’s not an option in Europe because the market is more fragmented, and more complicated as there are a lot of EFI dealers. He adds, “But Flora is not so present in Europe so we can offer our support to the product with no competition between us.”

He notes, “We have a lot of experience with the Flora system because the EFI machines are based on them.”

This limited sales strategy also means a limited R&D budget to develop a new solution, making a partnership the most practical option. Mandelli says that Ricoh Europe can put other Ricoh entities in touch with Flora if they want to do something similar for other regions. Mandelli also left open the possibility that Ricoh could use additional products to further expand its portfolio. But for now he says that he prefers to take a gradual approach and build confidence with the smaller hybrid before looking into bigger machines.

Mandelli explains that Ricoh wanted to close a gap in its portfolio between the L5100-series latex rollfed, which is an entry level printer costing around €25,000, and its two UV flatbeds, which sell for €130,000 to €150,000. He adds, “This is a price gap but it’s also a technology gap. We received a lot of requests for a compact hybrid device with the possibility to print to rigid and flexible materials.” Only the latex printer has been developed in-house, at Ricoh Asia, with the flatbed being a 50/50 co-development with another OEM. The X20 fits into this portfolio at around €100,000 to €110,000.

Mandelli says the feedback to the X20UV at Fespa was very positive. The machine that was at the show was shipped directly to Ricoh’s UK base in Telford so that Ricoh could complete its ICC profiles. It should be on sale in the next few weeks.

http://indianprinterpublisher.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Flora_CorrugateRear_L1049596_WQ-wb450.jpg

Flora also showed off its version of the X20UV. Flora offers customers a choice of Konica Minolta or Ricoh printheads, along with a Flora edition of the PhotoPrint RIP and a one-year warranty, dependent on the local dealer.

Flora showed a number of other printers including its compact J330s inkjet label press, which prints CMYK plus white and can run at 30 mpm at 1200 x 600 dpi. There was also the C25h Pro corrugated printer, which has a maximum media width of 2.5 meters but was paired with a much smaller board feeder. It runs aqueous CMYK inks and can produce around 400 square meters an hour. However, it still appears to be under development.

There were plenty of other Chinese manufactures at the show – around 70 in total – though I didn’t have time to visit them all. But I think that the main takeaway is that the idea that the Chinese only make cheap and cheerful printers is way out of date. There’s very little in the way of technical superiority to distinguish machines made in the US, Europe or Japan, and indeed many of the printers sold by companies in the developed world are actually made in China.

Several people have told me that they believe the Chinese vendors still lack the necessary distribution and support infrastructure to sell into Western countries. Up to now the Chinese vendors have done very well out of OEM partnerships so they didn’t need a sales and support network. But since the pandemic, it appears to me that many of those Chinese vendors are now in the process of setting up distribution through established dealers in Eastern Europe and they already have a strong presence in other regions such as India. Besides, it’s only a matter of time before they start buying those established dealers and owning their own sales and support networks in Europe and the US.

So, for me the rapid expansion of Chinese vendors was one of the most noticeable trends from Fespa, and I would expect that we will see the same at Drupa. However, there were several other themes from Fespa that I will explore in the next part of this story.

First published in the Printing and Industry Journal on 8th April 2024. Reprinted with permission. www.nessancleary.co.uk

#Fespa

[baenxietydad]

Swynrpwrimo Task #27 - Fairy Talent

[tracker]

I'm not good at anything actually cool like art or singing lmao and I didn't feel like making a gif pack so uhhh what about "accidentally making characters neurodivergent when you didn't plan to, but they clearly are" and "thinking too hard about their music taste" or "knowing what little bits they do in their daily life"

Here's a collection of music-based bits, vocal stims, etc that Mu-yeol will do with an explanation for each below! Not at all exhaustive lmao. Some of these are used as vocal stims others are just song-based "bits" he does.

Like Being Shot By A Bullet - Baek Ji Young

This is is a bit!

Technically this is, like a very popular sad Korean breakup type song, but Mu-yeol will reference it all the time. Like, if Nemo grabs the last dumpling or piece of kimbap as he's also reaching for it, he'll look at him and sing the line that translates to "like being shot by a bullet", as in like, "wow, beTRAYal"

Once In A Lifetime - Talking Heads

This is a bit! He'll use the "well! how did I get here?" sometimes when he walks into a room and forgot why lol

Taeyang Singing To The Crowd

This one is a stim, this moment has been memed on K-pop and Korean internet for years. Mu-yeol isn't super online, like he uses Spotify and reads John Darnielle's tweets, and there's some educational YouTube channels he's discovered and checks periodically for new nerd content, that's p much it, but this video has appeared in the Bae family WhatsApp chats so he knows it and it got stuck in his brain.

Feel Like Cinderella Naega Byeonhae!

Stim, lol. THIS one got stuck in his head because of it being played at K-pop dance night while he was working at Pixie's. And idk Nemo probably likes TXT and everyone who likes TXT got that line stuck on repeat when this song, Cat & Dog came out. Mu-yeol has listened to this song willingly maybe a total of twice but that line is in the stim rotation, comes out while cleaning the house a lot.

Foreign Object - The Mountain Goats

This one is a bit; if something, usually an inanimate object or Karen the squirrel annoys him, he'll deadpan "I'm gonna stab you in the eye with a foreign object."

No Spill Blood - Oingo Boingo

This one is a very ongoing bit and has been a stim off and on for like...over 20 years now. If it's a stim he'll repeat the chorus by himself. If it's in bit format, it's like a call and response between him and whoever else, usually if it's been quiet for too damn long. When Nemo was a kid, to tell him it was time to settle down and pay attention to him, he had to mix up the methods to get his attention. In the rotation was using the chorus of No Spill Blood. "Nam-min, What! Is the law?" "No spill blood!" "And who makes the rules?" "Someone else!" at this point little Nemo would usually come running to see what Appa was going to tell him to do. There was a variety of songs he'd make call and responses out of -- mostly much more Normal ones, a lot of Shinee or 1st gen K-pop songs, but that's probably the weirdest one. Anything that Nemo would've grown up listening to just because his father did could've been used.

Sinaloan Milk Snake Song - The Mountain Goats

This one's a stim lmao. Sometimes WILL do it on purpose though when he's trying to tell someone something - usually Nemo because Nemo gets all of his TMG references even though 95% of them are against his will, just by absorbing it growing up.

Beautiful Liar - Monsta X

This one's a stim, when he's under stimulated in his environment.

Monsta X is like, THE K-pop group he really likes independent of "oh, my son loves them so I got into them" or "I mean it's BTS! Nobody loves BTS more than middle-aged Koreans living abroad." There's a couple groups or artists he follows casually because everyone likes pop music to SOME extent and they make pop songs he likes, but Monsta X is the one he like...genuinely keeps up with. Like he will live-text his brother in the music industry in South Korea his reactions to the albums and music videos, he can tell you who is singing what line without looking it up, that's his silly little group he likes. Joohoney's verse on Beautiful Liar lives in his head rent free, and it's probably one of the songs he'd show someone to try and get them into the group too.

Cà Phê - Min

Stim! One of the man reasons he began learning Vietnamese tbh. Came across this song and "Ngồi uống cà phê đến tối / Không giờ rồi mà anh chưa tới / Cà phê cứ tí tách rơi / Anh quên mất em rồi" simply took over his life. This is also a great song to zone out and like physically stim to, just put in on and do your little dancey dance to while you're doing chore. Idk how to explain it but something about it just scratches the neurodivergent brain.

No Children - The Mountain Goats

Stim!

He'll just be reading in his room and quietly go "...and I hope you die! ... I hope we both die!" for no reason

#swynrpwrimo #swynrpwrimomak

[mariacallous]

Last week, Mashable reported that on X (formerly Twitter), users were noticing a new type of advertisement: Minus a regular handle or username, the ad’s headline looks like a normal tweet, with the avatar a miniature of whatever featured image appears in the body of the post. There is no notification in the upper right-hand corner saying “Ad,” and users can’t click on the ad to see more about who paid for it.

“Dude what the fuck is this I can’t click on it there’s no account name there’s no username I’m screaming what the hell it’s not even an ad,” one user tweeted. But Twitter’s new ad interface may be more than just annoying—it may be illegal.

Under Section 5(a) of the US Federal Trade Commission Act, companies are banned from using deceptive ad practices, meaning consumers must know that ads are, well, ads. For social platforms, this means that any native advertising, or advertising designed to look like content on the platform, needs to be clearly labeled.

“There’s really no doubt to us that X’s lack of disclosure here misleads consumers,” says Sarah Kay Wiley, policy and partnerships director at Check My Ads, an ad industry watchdog group. “Consumers are simply not able to differentiate what is content and what is not paid content. Even I’ve been duped, and I work in this space.”

X did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

X has two feeds, a Following feed that is meant to show users content from accounts they follow and a For You feed that includes algorithmically recommended content from across the platform. Wiley says she has seen examples of this unlabeled ad content in both feeds. What’s more confusing is the fact that some other content is still labeled as ads. “It’s really egregious because some ads are still marked as ads,” says Wiley. “It really provides opportunities for fraudulent marketers to reach consumers.”

An FTC staff attorney with the agency’s ad practices division, who spoke to WIRED on condition of anonymity, says that the agency encourages platforms to use a consistent format for advertising disclosures in order to avoid confusing customers.

And Wiley says that if advertisers think X is doing the work of labeling their content when it’s not, they could also face compliance issues for not properly disclosing that their posts are ads. “The advertisers themselves are also victims,” she says.

It’s no secret that X has been scrambling to bring in ad revenue. After Elon Musk took ownership of the company, he publicly declared that it would roll back content moderation efforts and fired much of the staff responsible for this work. Brands, worried that their ads would appear next to disinformation or hateful content, began abandoning the platform. Musk has tried to turn the ship around, bringing in CEO Linda Yaccarino, an experienced advertising executive (who Musk has repeatedly undermined, acting in ways that go against her promises to make the platform safe for advertisers). But recent data shows that the platform has seen a 42 percent drop in ad revenue since Musk’s takeover. X has also begun selling ads via Google Ad Manager and InMobi, a marked shift from its historical practice of dealing with advertisers directly.

And it gets even more complicated—and thorny—for X. In 2011, then-Twitter was issued a consent decree, which would allow the government to take legal action against the company for not safeguarding user data, thereby making it vulnerable to hackers. As part of the settlement with the FTC, “Twitter will be barred for 20 years from misleading consumers about the extent to which it protects the security, privacy, and confidentiality of nonpublic consumer information,” the FTC stated at the time.

Showing users ads that they don’t know are ads would likely put the company in violation of this agreement, says Christopher Terry, associate professor of media law at the University of Minnesota.

“The whole point of putting native advertising is to slap a cookie on your computer that then makes you subject to all kinds of horrific other advertising,” says Terry. If X collects data from clicks on content that users don’t know are ads, that’s likely a violation of the company’s agreement to protect user data—and the consent decree, he says.

While it’s likely that the FTC could have grounds to come after X, Terry says he’s not sure the agency will prioritize the platform, noting the agency’s current focus on antitrust actions against Google and Amazon. In May, however, the agency ordered several social media companies, including X, to disclose how they were keeping fraudulent ads off their platforms. And Terry says that if the FTC decides to pursue X, Musk and his company could be in real trouble.

“You can screw with all these people. You can put up all this white supremacist content you want, but you really don’t want to mess with the FTC,” says Terry. “Because if they come knocking, you’re going to be really sorry you bought this company.”

[gggoldfinch]

Rammstein rant post ready GO!

I know like nothing about them but I love hearing about people’s interests info dump to your heart’s content my friend! Teach me all about these concerningly sweaty dirty (?) men and their pyrotechnic shenanigans I am sitting here with my favorite pen and notepad ready to take notes. <3

anon. I love you so much. thank you for enabling my insanity. this is gonna be a long, unhinged post

Okay, here we go. My darling anon, I had to HUNT in my blog archive to find this post, but here is my basic rundown of Rammstein itself as a band (<-linked). So come back here after reading that post if you really don't know anything about the band bc this def won't make any sense. In THIS post I'd love to discuss WHY I'm so obsessed R+ and all the things that I personally love about them. I will format it in bullet points to spare myself and everyone's sanity:

I feel like the most obvious point should be the first; I love their music! I grew up on industrial and synth, so introducing metal to that mix is like a heavenly mashup. The heavy guitar, the synth keyboard, the gorgeous vocals and deep (often complicated) lyrics??? I would insert the music directly into my chest cavity if I could and that sounds really fucking weird but that's where I feel like it should live 🧍🏻‍♀️

I have daddy issues point blank, that much is obvious from my blog LMAOOO so ofc latching onto gruff middle aged men is a fundamental human need for me at this point

The style and uniqueness of the band is incredible. Who else do you know that lights everything on fire while looking like they just walked off a movie set? Their outfits are so fucking awesome. Like every time I see a new fit I eat that shit up and stare at pics for hours on end because they're so intricate and cool and kinda kinky?? I WISH I could be their fashion designer like jfc. Also their makeup/ face paint is always killer. I need to kiss their stylists fr !!! The 90's-y2k looks are some of my favs

the history of the band is also very interesting. a bunch of weird dudes from East Germany end up becoming pals and form a band and rise to stardom while soldiering through the trials and tribulations such fame throws their way? love an underdog story. I highly recommend watching the documentary Rammstein in Amerika, it gives a lot of insight into the band's origins and history up through 2015

Some of the shit they pull is so freaky and weird that its camp at this point. The dick mold dildos? camp. The fact that they need licenses to use all their pyrotechnics? camp. Being arrested for public indecency? camp.

I am incredibly, overwhelmingly, unhingedly down bad for Till, Richard, and Paul (and also Schneider to an extent but not as much). I would allow for unspeakable things to be done to me if given even the slightest opportunity if you know what I'm saying

PAUL'S HAIR !!!! He is so silly goofy but I fucking LOVE Paul's stupid little haircuts. like yass go off with your little monk bowl cuts I'm eating it up I'm putting you in my pocket

(the photo of his red hair isn't even showing the back where he LITERALLY shaved it like the fuckin monk tonsure)

everyone is so fucking queer. like. deadass. Paul and Richard regularly kissing on stage is so precious ???? they're just two besties being besties kissing n shit. The band also supports the lgbtq+ community and are outspokenly against bigotry which is always a win. A lot of people have accused them of being bigots themselves and they're like ummm haha no get fucked (cue "Links 2 3 4")

Richard is a perfect little baby angel and I would die for him. I love his spiky hair. I love his nail polish; I paint my nails like him. He is so cute. I love the way he speaks, in German and in English. I also LOVE his band Emigrate, esp the most recent album. He's so awesome 😭 that being said I wish he wouldn't smoke like a chimney because I dread hearing the news one day that he has cancer but ofc I can't do anything about that in the slightest

I mean. do I need to make a bullet point dedicated to Till being built like a fucking brick house?? because I think I do. He is soooo,,, AUAUGHHHHH !!!! Like, the guy is 60 and still looks that incredibly built ?!!!!! homeboy was an olympic swimmer he can swim in my p *gets shot*

Till has a precious smile 🥺 I love his fucked up teeth. he's such a sweetie fr, a big scary looking teddy bear. I need him fr

Flake in his entirety is just so silly goofy. Like homeboy looks like just Some Dude.. he's so normal (he also looks like my step grandfather only tall and skinny, which is very strange...). But then he pulls shit like whacking Till with a keyboard or getting fake fucked on stage. Homeboy also apparently just up and ditched everyone in America and went home after 9/11 because he was so freaked, which in itself isn't funny but imagining him just fucking leaving is a little bit...

Darling little (not so little...) Doom Schneider has an incredibly gorgeous side profile. And I love the pornstache he occasionally sports. He's also another one who is just like. A Normal Guy in my head. He is also very very pretty and very well spoken. I loved listening to him talk during the Rammstein in Amerika documentary

I also think Ollie is also just a Dude,, tho admittedly I don't really even think about him much because he is so normal and not unhinged that he kinda just blends into the background most times. He is 6'7 tho so that is fucking insane

Anyway yep that's all for now I'll stop torturing everyone with my depraved insanity 👍🏻 THANK YOU AGAIN ANON for indulging me for a moment

#is it bad that this took hours to write and it isn't even everything #I wrote so much oh my god #thank you anon ilysm #anon ask

[robynrileyart]

tell me the most obscure fact about the first two ocs that come to mind

I LOVE YOUUUUU omg thank you

eddie is a writer and even though it's not a HUGE part of the novel that i've written, it's a huge part of who she is. maybe this isnt very obscure after all but i havent mentioned it before so you're getting it!!!!

she is extremely embarrassed about the hobby tho (same) and doesn't like talking about it. her hobby embarrassment is worsened by being surrounded by friends who either are not interested, don't even want to talk about literature with her let alone her own characters, or she doesn't feel comfortable with them knowing about it. she is a shy person and feels the mortifying ordeal of being known more than anyone else in the novel.

but then this new guy, hector, walks into town and things get out of hand and suddenly her books are his books, and his infinite knowledge on all things linguistic is coming in handy. his interest in the arts and in literature specifically from the stance of a talented story-teller/orator, is so fresh and precious that she immediately takes a shine on him. when he is down about something, eddie reveals very much against her will (it's too easy to talk to hector sometimes) that she's something of a writer. she tells him to keep it a secret, and he is both very touched to have been trusted with such a secret fact, and very excited to hear more. they will have in-depth conversations about characters, tropes, and the purpose of stories in the first place. he comes from a background, as an immortal person (she doesn't know it tho!!!) of using fiction as a means to escape from the real world. it doesn't matter if literally two thousand years have passed and he is still walking on this earth, achilles and patroclus are still there. the great poets, the philosophers, the novelists. eddie might not know the extent to which he relies so keenly on a good story, but she sees that trait in herself.

eddie has always used fiction to escape as well. born to contented parents who impress upon her their own fears of not living beyond means, not reaching too far because they were afraid of falling, she has lived in the same house all of her life. the same house, the same jobs to do, and the same people around her. she might have gone to the city to meet society had not her mother died and her father needing her around more to help with the shop. in this period, she throws herself into reading absolutely every book she can handle. her aunt funds it, also leaning on books as a means to cope with her sister's death, and eventually eddie gets the idea that she'd like to write, too.

but she needs it to be perfect first try. she just doesn't love any of her characters. she doesn't hate any enough to be useful, either. it is not until she meets hector who discusses morals, ideals, tropes, cliches, and more with her that she is able to fill the gaps she had been missing. hector also helps her with practical lessons on structure and formatting, and the concept of multiple drafts, eddie, my darling, why on earth did you think that austen just freewrote everything and then sent that to the publisher? eddie is no great intellectual, but she has become a fairly good writer despite the fact she has not ever really finished anything. she has been observant forever, and enthuses her book with a passionate love for life and for people. eddie only ever writes one book, but it gets to be moderately popular in america and is read somewhat in europe, too. this, spoiler, doesn't happen in my novel. it takes too long and would not be interesting to read perhaps? idk. but she WILL do it.

*

i've been thinking a lot about hector's accent lately after, tbh, watching interview with the vampire (amc) interviews of jacob (who plays louis) talking about how his character's accent changes over time. hector's love for literature extends to a very intense interest in learning about other people and their lives. he wants to know about what it was like to be raised anywhere. he learns as many languages as he has the means to, and spends years dedicating ALL of his time to perfecting one, then reading books in that language, and then he might move to another. hector is spartan, so he spoke ancient greek first (i think thats what they spoke anyways). he typically spends long periods of time in any one location, with the most being his time in greece, in english monasteries (speaking latin mostly), and in america.

the america one is the one i know most about because it's literally the period of my book. so. before he moved to america, he lived in france (with enyo! for literally like a YEAR. they're both immortal and she cannot live with him for more than a year?? girl get real). he is one of only a few french speakers who come over and does speak english with a slight french accent. then when he loses his wife (not eddie!!!) he is fed up and becomes a recluse. he stays in hiding for about a hundred years give or take, during which time he returns to his extensive language studies. but he doesn't talk to himself that much. his mixing of languages, in addition to not having anybody around to chat to, results in a strange tint to his accent. i'm actually........ just now wondering if he spends enough time in those 100 years of solitude around americans or if his accent would just be vaguely english when he meets eddie........... oh no......... i've got to rewrite all his dialogue if he's suddenly an english guy. omfg............. he probably is........ tbf i have a lot of rewriting to do anyway because hector in the first draft uses a lot of slang and things whereas someone who has only read books for 100 years probably wouldnt use it, and he also wont have any american colloquialisms because he wouldnt view himself as american. oh my god i am so glad that i started thinking about this THANK YOU

#asks #spiritingawaytoanime #love you vic THANK YOUUUUU #lore #eddie jones #hector jones #ancient west