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weallhungerforsomething · 4 months

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Reaping Day | District 4's Siren |

July 4th, 2307 - The 69th Hunger Games

Y/N L/N's POV

I woke up to the sound of bustling in my quaint house in District 4. I turn on my side to look at the clock hung up on my wall 10:00, 4 hours until the Reaping. I turned 18 in November before the games making this the last year I was eligible for the Games. District 4 being better off than most of the other districts we have an academy focused on producing victors, every year one boy and one girl are chosen to volunteer for the Games and bring glory to our district. From the moment I was born my parents instilled it into me that to participate in The Hunger Games is an honor. I was chosen this year to volunteer as the female tribute and my parents couldn't be more thrilled; however, my sister seems to be on edge about it. She aged out of the system 9 years ago and doesn't have a shot of getting to go into the Games now though, so why she's so bothered I'm not sure. I gaze up at the clock again seeing I've spent 30 minutes lost in my own thoughts, dragging myself out of my bed I trudge over to the bathroom in our house. Brushing my teeth I look at my face in the mirror, a blank expression stares back at me. I shake off the uncanniness of my appearance and continue getting ready for today. After I showered I went back to my bed to see my mother had left out an outfit for the Reaping. A simple, light blue sun dress and my black Maryjane style shoes. I dried my black hair leaving it down. Before going to the kitchen I grab a gold necklace off my floor, a gift from my sister. Clasping it on I look at myself once more seeing the look of the dainty necklace against my tan skin. Turning on my heel I walk into the kitchen being met with the faces of my parents. Neither look up at me as I grab a glass of water.

"Don't forget you're going to volunteer today." My mother spoke finally glancing over at me. I nodded curtly "How could I?". My mouth turned up in a tight lipped smile. Truth be told my parents and I never got along well. I don't know why they seemed to not like me, part of me wondered if maybe they wanted me to go into the Games with the hope I wouldn't come back. I was suddenly pulled out of my thoughts by the sound of knocking against the door. My eyes followed my father as he walked over to the door, once he opened it my sister, Aruna, stepped in along with her boyfriend. She looked around for a second before her eyes locked onto mine. With a half-smile she rushed over to me pulling me into a tight hug. I shut my eyes turning my head into the crook of her neck, I sighed softly as her arms tightened around me. As she pulled away she held onto my arms "You ready?", her voice sounded raspy as she spoke but I ignored it in favor of simply nodding "As ready as I'll ever be". I let out a slight laugh as we interlocked our hands. Aru dragged me past our parents and over to her boyfriend Matt who smiled at me pulling my into a hug. Our hug was a bit tense, things between us somewhat awkward since we hardly knew each other but the sentiment was not lost on me. We all walked out of the house towards the town square where the Reaping would take place.

Having to split away from my family my sister gave my hand a tight squeeze before walking off as I walked over to the Peacekeepers. I felt I slight prick as they drew my blood but my eyes remained trained on the people gathering. From the group of 12 year olds clearly not excited about being here to the 18 year olds waiting for me to join them. I walked over to the 18 year old girls taking my place with them as I received some shoulder nudges and smiles for what was to come. I offered my best smile to the girls ready to get this over with. The District 4 escort walked out onto the stage welcoming us all to the Reaping for this year's game. I zoned out as the video of President Snow played explaining why we had the Games. I finally tuned back in as the escort spoke "First, the ladies", he stalked over to the fishbowl containing numerous slips of papers. Reaching his hand in he plucked a paper out walking back to the mic. I squared my shoulders getting ready to raise my hands as the man's lips parted. "Y/N L/N!", I was barely able to stop my hand as instead my eyebrows shot up. It had never hit me before, there was always a chance I could get reaped. Suddenly it felt different, the choice wasn't mine anymore I had been picked by chance. Lost in my thoughts I felt the girl next to me bump my hip, broken out of my stupor I looked at the stage where the escort was motioning me over. I slipped out of the group of 18 year olds and walked over to the stage. I plastered a smile on my face and made my way up the steps with seemingly no hesitation. The escort smiled at me as he walked over to the other bowl. Up close I couldn't help but stare at the man, his blue hair tied into a braid behind his head matching his blue blazer-skirt suit. The makeup was extravagant as well, false, blue eyelashes with black liner on his waterline. I shook my head softly opting to look at my district instead my eyes fell onto my family, Aru had tears in her eyes as both of my parents stared up at me their faces unreadable. I looked away from them just as the escort had pulled out a piece of paper "Caspian Marsh!". I noted the name wasn't the guy who was supposed to volunteer. I looked into the crowd waiting for someone to volunteer but there was no noise. My brows furrowed slightly at the silence, some of the older kids even turned and looked around at a red head boy with the other 18 year old boys, I figured that was who was supposed to volunteer. Instead I watches as a boy from the 12 year olds walked out and over to the stage. He walked slowly clearly not wanting to do this, I couldn't help but notice the way my heart felt as I watched the reluctance of the smaller boy. I couldn't explain this to myself though, why should I feel bad? It was an honor to be in these Games right?

The boy finally made his way up on the stage as our escort joined our hands, I had to bend down to reach Caspian's. "District 4! Your tributes for the 69th Hunger Games!" Our district erupted into applause some faces smiled at us and others looked sorrowful. The redhead boy didn't even look at us.

#the hunger games #thg finnick #thg #thg series #finnick odair #finnick x reader #finnick x you #finnick imagine #hunger games #thg fanfiction #the hunger games fanfiction #hunger games fanfiction

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whats-the-story-tc · 4 years

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3rd of March, 2020

"The One with the Alpha and the Omega"

Another day, another flannel.

This morning, I got ready surprisingly fast, and went to school earlier than I normally do. As I was nearing the gates, I realised why the universe arranged that for me. In the crowd, my eyes immediately found V, wrapped up in her great big scarf, walking in. Though I didn't go up to her, as I didn't want to bother her, I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. It's entirely unfair that she's so beautiful in everything.

I was, once again, forced to realise how rarely we say hello to each other verbally. Today's form of non-verbal "hi!" was us locking eyes and smiling, as we went in separate directions. We did this twice, on two different stairways. Interesting dynamic, that of ours.

An hour before our upcoming test in her class, she came up to my class, a stack of papers in hand. "Are a lot of people absent?" she asked us. When I noticed the people nearer to her couldn't respond, I chimed in with the answer, specifying when she asked me to specify. "Thanks." she told me, then walked away, passing behind my back. While we were talking, there was a kind of sleepy softness in her eyes. Not the usual heavy sharpness when she's really tired, just... the morning coffee probably hadn't kicked in yet.

As we write our tests in English, V is grading at her desk. Me being me, I look up whenever she makes the slightest sound. The test, like all of V's tests, isn't hard at all if you studied properly, so I can afford it. She starts laughing at something, then shows it to us: someone drew flowers in place of an answer, because they admittedly didn't know anything. Huh. Blond Boy in the Back is, once again, sitting in front of me and often tries to cheat. V keeps an eye on both him, and another boy, calling them amateurs and lazy, and, at one point, she said she'd need one of those spray bottles full of water. "To spray water on them like on the cat when it starts eating the plants," she explains. It seems V's cat is every bit as extra as their owner. Meanwhile, I'm my own kinda extra, as per usual when it comes to V's essay questions. I roast Akaky Akakievich in one short essay, and in the other, about Onegin as a romanticism-era novel, I write: "It also contains many other attributes of romanticism, and my reason for not listing them definitely isn't that I don't know them." I said no, you know, like a liar.

Although V keeps reminding us that there isn't much time left until the bell, she ends up staying an extra five minutes after class, to wait for everyone to be done. "Guess I'm not having lunch anymore..." she mutters to herself, then checks her phone. "Oh, my battery's so gonna die..." she says. "Metaphorically, or...?" I ask her, and get a short, tired little laugh in return.

Next class' topic is drama and our own national theatre. I'm shouldering an unexpected anxiety attack, so I can't pay attention as much as I would've liked to, but I made it somehow. The fact that I won't have class with her for another week only worsened my mood. So after class, I trodded up to her saying "Oh, so period-accurate costumes were in style, that's why we didn't win!", referring to the drama competition I've been on last Friday. She tells me a bit about costumes, and that's when she starts getting curious. She asks me where we placed and who beat us, and calls the fact that the local team won "bias, you know how it goes". "Do you consider [third place] a disappointment?" she asks me, and after I answered I no longer do, but I did then, she tells me: "Well, you can't always win." I can't see her face, as she's packing as we speak, but I definitely heard that playful smile of hers in her voice.

Debate Friend enters stage right, and we start talking gaming. They talk Skyrim, and Life is Strange also comes up. When we discuss our choices, it turns out that V and I made completely different choices in the two biggest dealbreakers of the game — both of which entirely reflective of who we are as people. Then, this friend of ours in our year (from here on: Curly Friend, cuz I mention him often enough) shows up, and tells us that he'll be skipping class. "Let's pretend I didn't hear that," V says with a stage gasp. We remind her that the other class are attending this lecture, and she even remembers that our class has a similar lecture tomorrow. "We have to go to class while they're just sitting and listening to that lecture! Can you believe that, Miss?" I tell her. Bless her soul, she tries to encourage us that it's gonna be interesting. Then, as this girl asks V to look at what she painted, she's surprised when V recognises gore. "I'm not that old, you know." she tells her, grinning. "Not at all!" I responded, but I don't know if she heard it.

After all these groundbreaking things happening recently, I wasn't satisfied with how this day ended. It's a really ugly flaw of mine, no longer being satisfied with the little things. So when I went back for training, and saw that it was parents' evening, I got excited. I shit you not, I went outside every 20 minutes to try and catch a glimpse of her. But it took until the end of training until I actually saw her walk by, so I waited till she'd come back and see me there.

"What, are you not bored of school yet?" she asked me with a faint surprise when she saw me, eyeing my training gear, especially my shirt rather curiously. (It's my work uniform from this one sports event where I volunteered, you see.) After I explained her everything, and asked her how she is, she told me that they — as in the teachers — are, in fact, bored, but there were only a couple minutes left. She then proceeded to give directions/help out a lost seeming parent who showed up on the stairs beside us. As usual, I told her "Keep holding on, Miss!" when she walked away, to which she replied "Thanks! It won't be long now!" I think various forms of thank you might be what we say to each other most often.

You see, V is very different from all the other teachers who like me. Her grin, as we were talking, weren't the same as my Religion teacher's awe of me being an assistant coach, or A grinning at me like I hung the stars in the sky. I probably wouldn't even have noticed V being glad to see me if it weren't for me knowing her expressions so well. Because that's her. She doesn't put me on a pedestal higher than I will ever deserve to be on, unlike most people I meet. She just calmly enjoyed the fact that someone who likes her and is easy to talk to showed up, who isn't the same people she sat two hours in the same room with. It's like how cats like sunlight, in a way.

My day started and ended with her. How interesting. In honour of this, I want to quote a poem I know V loves:

"I remain a prison for myself,

For I am the subject and the object,

Oh, I am the omega and the alpha."

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

#tc #tcc #teacher crush community #female tc #female teacher crush

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jlpat82 · 5 years

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Not Out Home

Prologue/Chapter 1

A hundred years ago the human race did the unspeakable, bombs were dropped. Most of the population wasn't prepared for it and millions died as a result. The entire top side of the planet was laid to waste, the land is barren. Constant blowing of hot radioactive winds whip up dust and sand, changing the landscape year by year with large sand dunes. Storms are a constant reminder that our ancestors messed up, these storms drop acidic rain on the soil contaminating it further. Everything that society had known, had become accustomed to was gone in the blink of an eye. Life as they knew it, gone.

You're probably wondering how I know all of this. A small sect of the government foresaw the dropping of the bombs and acted accordingly. They built large complexes made of reinforced materials, not only to withstand the blast but also the inevitable fallout. Small buildings out cropped amongst the wasteland of a landscape. Connect by tunnels underground, and tubes above ground. These tubes are serviced every four years by volunteers, as the blowing sand weakens the tubes reinforced plexiglass. Last year was the last fix year.

I was born in one of these complexes seventy years after the bombs stopped. Growing up in school we learned what life used to be like, what the trees looked like. We learned about the animals that inhabited our planet, what day to day activities those before us did. What I'd give to have been alive during that time. To feel a fresh breeze on my face, to put my feet in a stream.

Everything is recycled, the air that is pushed through our ventilation system is recycled, as is our water. It's collected, purified, and rebottled. And don't get me started on the food.

Why does any of this matter you ask? Well, as a dreamer of times gone by I take the long route wherever I go. I walk through the plexi tubes, staring out imagining what it would be like to take a step out there.

When I saw human foot prints on the outside of the tube and large hand prints on the side I was a little more then startled. We have been told time and time again how toxic the air is outside the walls of our compound. Nothing is said to be able survive out there without the proper suits, even then four hours tops.

Chapter 1

I watched as the sands swirled in and around the steps, slowly covering them. They were definitely human, and large at that. Whoever had made them must have been heavy as the prints themselves were deep. I raised my hand to compare the handprint to mine. My hand was dwarfed by the size and I am no small woman.

I stepped back, dumbfounded, here was someone's feet and hand prints but I saw nothing leading to them or away. It was like they had materialized and vanished back into thin air. I surveyed the tan landscape before me, nothing out of place. Slowly I turned and continued my short walk to work

I work at store the sells the staples of life, preprocessed dinners in four flavors. These bricks came in chicken, beef, pork, and what's that. It's something you just can't quite put you're finger on. Some people say it taste like lamb, others say fish, hence the reason I call it what I do. None of us alive today have tasted true lamb or fish, then again we have never tasted beef, pork, or chicken either.

We also sell bottled water, and a lot of it. Our store also sells clothing, all identical. The same black pants and a polo that comes in four colors, dusty grey, dull blue, dark sand, and white.

When I say our life is boring that is no understatement.

"Julianne, you're late!" Elise, my coworker and best friend stumbled through her whispered words. "You're like never late."

"I was walking the tubes." I caught sight of my boss out of the corner of my eye, so I quickly shut myself up.

"Julianne!" He bellowed, waddling over on short stubby legs. His hair combed over his balding crown. When I said our food was crap I wasn't referring to everyone, just us in lower class. "This is the only warning I'll give, don't not be late again or I'll have them reassign you to the factories."

Elise and I watched as he grabbed a box off the table to our left. He tucked it under his short arm, resting it against one of his rolls. He turned and toddled back to the front of the store favoring his right foot.

"One day I hope he chokes on a sandwich." Elise hissed, crossing her arms.

"Most likely a stroke or a heart attack." I replied, walking into the stockroom. When I said earlier about the whole bricks coming in four flavors that only goes for lower class, like Elise and I. Fat cats like my boss, Robert, are considered upper class. They have a wider variety of foods to chose from.

He was from a wealthy back ground. His grandparents were some kind of oil tycoons before the bombs dropped and they paid a pretty penny to get in the complex. Which pretty much cemented him into a life of luxury. He can go places only other upper class can go. Places I could only dream of.

"Yeah, but choking on a sandwich would not only be far more entertaining but a fitting death as well. Anyway back to your tube story." We loaded a dolly full of boxes with the same dull clothes we were wearing.

"Right, the tube. It's was weird, I saw handprints on the side and foot prints on the ground. But there wasn't any leading to or away from the spot. Like they were dropped there and sucked back into whatever black hole they came from."

"And?" She asked excitedly, I met her eyes. I've been known to make up stories of the could of, would of, should of beens.

"I'm serious, this isn't a story." Fictional books have all been banned. The elites are worried that it'll implant ideas in the lower class that it's safe outside. Thus leading them to opening the compound doors. Not going to lie, I may or may not have a few illegal copies.

"You know as well as I do nothing survives out in that wasteland." She sighed, folding some shirts as she put them on the table.

"But what if something could? It would mean everything everyone knows is wrong."

"Would it be awesome? Certainly, cause no more Pudgy McPudgerson ruling over our lives but it's just not possible. The air is radioactive, so it can't breathe. The water is toxic, so it can't drink and nothing grows out there so no food." She shook her head, blonde hair whipped about. "The outside cannot sustain any kind of life."

"But what if they're wrong? What if they just think the air is still bad?"

"Jules, you go topside, you've seen the Geiger meter."

"Yes, I know and the numbers have never changed. What if it was damaged by the sands, and it's been broken this whole time?" I replied in a hushed tone as someone passed behind us.

"I'm sure they have someone who does maintenance on it, just like the tubes."

"I've been walking the tubes since I was ten. I've seen the crews six times fixing them and not once have I seen anybody doing work on the meter." Grabbing her by the shoulders, I looked her dead in the eye. "Something or someone was out there."

"Okay, fine, I'll humor you. So someone was out there. Where did they go? You said you saw no other prints. So where did they go?" Dang it, she had a point. I let her go, letting out a deep sigh. I felt my shoulders sag. "I don't mean to be mean, but, think about this logically?"

"You're right. It must have been a figment of my imagination." I dropped it, I knew I couldn't make a good point, at least not logically.

The rest of the day was spent stocking shelves and me trying to wrap my brain around the prints. Maybe I had been seeing things earlier or could the wind have displaced the sands to resemble foot prints. That wouldn't account for the handprints on the glass though. The last fix was just over a year ago, surely those would of been washed off in the rain. Then again could the gloves from the protective suits even make hand prints.

I was still deep in thought as I reached my locker. Absentmindedly I retrieved my jacket from it's depths.

"Earth to Jules." Elise waved her hand in front of my face.

"Huh? Sorry, I was thinking."

"Are you taking the tunnels home?" She enquired grabbing her purse.

"Not tonight, I'm going to take the tube back."

"Is that even safe?" Her brows knitted together as her voice raised a notched. There have been rumors of criminal activity that happens in the tubes at night. I have never seen it personally, nor have I ever met anyone who has been attacked either. Normally I don't take them at night, there aren't any lights in them so when the moon is gone or a storm rolls in it's pitch black.

"I'll be fine. Anyway, I'm running low on fare." I responded, shutting my locker. We walked to the front of the store together, Elise shook her head.

"I can spot you, I really don't like the idea of walking them at night." She paused, I turned to my friend, her face was etched with worry.

"Really, I'll be fine."

"Fine, since I can't get you to change your mind, will you at least call me when the home? Just so I won't stay up half the night worrying."

"Okay, mom." I teased, I pushed the door handle to the tube entrance as we parted ways.

I stepped out into the darkness, I inhaled a deep breath. Calmly I started my journey home, my foot steps echoing off the walls. I could hear the faint whisper of the sands as they whipped across the plexiglass. The path before me barely illuminated by the small sliver of moonlight that peaked around the edge of the clouds that were slowly rolling in.

I pulled my pepper spray from my pocket, yet another illegal item that I had acquired. The things you can get your hands on when you know the right people. I had only recently started carrying it after Robert had made a pass at me. He didn't like my response to his advances.

Slowly the tube began to darken completely. It didn't take long before I was surrounded by the inky blackness of the night. I took a slow breath trying to still my heart rate.

There is something about walking in the darkness that preys on your subconscious. Makes you aware of stuff that isn't really there. You see and hear things that aren't real , it's almost like it's hardwired into our DNA. Pareidolia, that's the name for it. Seeing a face in the curtains or hearing a phone ring while the shower is running.

I thought I saw something out of there as I continued walking through the tube. Whatever it was it was a good distance out, it might have been the silhouette of person I really couldn't be sure. Whatever it was, it seemed to be keeping pace with me.

I stopped, my heart slowly accelerating, as I took step to the tube wall. I pressed my face to the cool glass and wrapped my hands around my temples. Nothing just a dark void of nothingness was on the other side.

I had to have been seeing things. If it was out there, it had stopped moving and was no longer visible. I heard a plink on the ceiling of the tube, quickly succeeded by other. I couldn't see, but I knew it had started to rain. I dropped my arms to side and sighed.

I continued my walk home, my fingers gracing the cold glass for guidance. I listened to the song of the rain as it cascaded down from the heavens. Wondering if the droplets were cold or warm. A green bolt danced lazily across the sky. In that flash, I stopped dead in my tracks. The silhouette was still out there, parallel with me, I saw it just out of the corner of my eye.

Thunder rolled, as my heart leapt in my throat threatening jump from my body. My hand tremble against the wall, I knew I saw it. My mind was not playing tricks on me, something was out there. Another green flashed etched itself through the clouds, he was closer this time. He was watching me.

I took a deep breath as the air crackled with a loud rumble. I braced myself, willing myself not tremble as I again stepped up to the tube wall. I placed my shaking hands on the wall completely as I turned.

The sky lit up again, and he was standing before me on the opposite side of the glass. His dark brown hair hung just short of his massive shoulders, stringy from the rain. Mahogany eyes bore down upon me with curiosity. The thunder reverberated through the tube before the lighting had stopped.

It is at this point I wish I could say I stood transfixed, and excitedly watched the watcher watching me. Alas, I did what any normal, healthy person would do. I stumbled back screaming, losing my footing in the process and landed on my rear.

In hindsight, this was not the smartest thing I have ever done. Remember earlier how I said I could hear my own footsteps as I walked? Well, if you have stuck your head in a enclosed glass box and screamed you would know that that amplifies the sound.

Needless to say, my ears were ringing as I sprang to my feet and rushed down the hall. It was disorienting, running in complete darkness with a lazy green strobe light going off. I tripped a couple of time, my heart hammering hard in my chest, attempting to break free. Too scared to turn around to see if he was still there, I ran full speed down the enclosed corridor.

I didn't realize how far down the tube I was, but when my face greeted the door I figured out I must of been half through by the time I saw him. In retrospect, I'm really surprised I didn't knock myself out.

I threw the door open to my building and sprinted up the four flights of stairs. I pulled my keys from my pocket as I reached my apartment, the key shook in my trembling fingers. Finally I was able to get it in the lock. I turned the knob, threw open my door and slammed it behind me. I turned the thumb lock, re-locking the door behind me.

My lungs burned with that raw feeling as I sucked in air. My chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath. I have no idea why I ran for my life, it's not like he could get in the building. All doors to the outside were locked and secured, there was no way in.

"What the heck Julianne?" My sister, Sasha, came bounding around from the kitchen to the living room.

"There was," I took a deep breath, locking eyes with confused woman. "Someone out there."

"Uh, yeah, that's what happens when you go to work. There's lost of someones." She smirked, leaning against the wall.

"No, outside." I rushed the window looking down, lighting lit up the sky but the ground was to far away to make anything out.

"Yeah, as I said there are people outside as rule." She jested, watching me in amusement.

"No, I mean outside outside. Not out side our place." I almost shriek, point out the window. "Out there!"

"What?" She rushed over the window, peering out. She turned and looked me, her eyes narrowed as her brows scrunched up. "I don't see anything, I think you hit you head to hard."

"No, I saw him first, then I hit my head."

"Oh, so now it's him?" She grinned, folding one arm over the other.

"Look, I saw foot prints this morning, on the outside of the tube." I stressed the second half of that statement before she could make another joke out of it. "And now I've seen him. How is this possible?"

"It's not, are you sure you saw someone? It's really dark out there." Her face was puzzled at my indignation, I didn't blame her. What I was saying didn't make any sense.

"I saw him when the lighting was going off, not just once or twice but three times. And one of those times he was as close me as you are." I looked back out the window, trying to wrap my mind around the whole ordeal. The phone rang somewhere behind me as I scoured the ground.

"Hey Elise." I heard Sasha in the kitchen. "She's home. And going on about some guy she saw outside the tube.'

'I know, I know. I'm still trying to calm her down right now. She's shaken up pretty good at the moment." I glanced over my shoulder at my sister, sighing heavily. I gave up and wandered back to my bedroom. Trying to explain this to either of them wasn't going to work.

I laid down on my bed, staring up at the white ceiling. His face flashed through my mind. He seem just a surprised to see me as I was of him. I know one thing, I was going to walk the tubes tomorrow to find him again, even if the meant all day

Permanent tag-

@kitkatkl @devilbat

#dystopia #dystopien #government #government break down #elite #soceity breakdown #violence #scifi #slowburn #mutated

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iliketowrite1996 · 6 years

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College Days

Okay- I have never written a story like this before, so I did my best! I hope it is good- I want to experiment with different writing types.

Mentions of unrequited love, breaking up, and friendship troubles. second guessing and nervousness. Freshman Year

You are strolling down the sidewalk on our university’s campus, head bopping to the song that is playing that is playing through your headphones.

You are three days into your freshman year, and you already love this place. Your roommate is nice, your dorm is close to a majority of your classes, and you’ve already gotten a head start on next week’s homework. You are relaxing in the moment, relishing the feeling of accomplishment.

Until a dark cloud zooms in and ruins what was an otherwise fantastic day.

Someone bumps into you, spilling your iced coffee down your pristine white shirt.

‘’Cold, cold, cold!,’’ you squeal, watching as the brown liquid soaks into the white fabric.

‘’Miss, I am so sorry. Here, let me help!’’

‘’No, no, that is okay,’’ you sigh, but take the napkins that the strangers offer you.

You suddenly feel a jacket over your shoulders, and you look up to see the young man that gave it to you.

Calling him handsome would be an understatement. His skin is glowing beautifully in the sun, his teeth are beautiful, his eyes are beautiful.

This boy is fine.

‘’My apologies, miss. I did not see where I am going. I can have your shirt cleaned for you if would like.’’

‘’No, no, that’s fine! I got this at the thrift store. I spill on myself all of the time, I have become practically immune to it.’’

You realize that you are wearing his jacket, and attempt to slide it off to give it back to him before he stops you.

‘’Please, take it. It looks good on you Besides, I am about to ask you for a favor: could you please tell me where room Hawthorne Hall 341 is?’’

‘’Do you have English-W 131 with Professor Jenkins? Because that is where I am going.’’

‘’Great!,’’ he says a bit too enthusiastically, ‘’I mean, would you mind if I walked with you?’’

‘’No, not at all. Let’s go.’’

The walk is long, and is, unfortunately filled with silence.

Not the comfortable kind.

The awkward kind.

The kind that has you counting how many steps it takes to get to your destination.

55.

You enter the lecture hall, which can’t seat more than seventy-five people. One of the huge perks of going to a smaller university is that you get more one-on-one time with your professor. And if you're going to graduate in four-five years, you need all the help you can get.

‘’Would you mind if I sat next to you,’’ the young man questions, although the class is nearly empty since you still have fifteen minutes.

‘’No, I don’t mind,’’ you say as you climb to the highest level of seating.

‘’Thank you kindly. My name is T’Challa, by the way. T’Challa Udaku. I know that we did not get to do formal introductions earlier.’’

‘’No we did not. I am Y/N Y/L/N, the girl who is currently wearing your coffee. It smells like vanilla. What a waste.’’

‘’Well, I would not say that it was a waste. I do believe I have made a new friend.’’

From that moment, you knew you were going to enjoy your college experience.

Sophomore Year

You and T'Challa became close after that day. You studied together every Wednesday, did your homework together, and had dinner together once a week. He was your partner for group assignments, he was the one who accompanied you to events where you would have felt awkward going alone.

Well, him and the girl he had initially introduced as his sister- Okoye.

Which is how, after a summer spent apart were the only way to keep in touch was through video chats and messaging.

‘’So why can’t you come see me,’’ you’d pouted when he first video chated you.

‘’You know why, Y/N,’’ he’d laugh.

T’Challa had waited until the very last minute to reveal to you that he was the whole prince of a whole country. He’d wanted to make sure that this was genuine friendship. And when he realized that it was, he’d told you the truth. And you promised not to tell anyone. It was easy, too. For one, you kept your friend group small. There was you, T’Challa, Alyssa, and Anthony. For another thing, T’Challa’s name was known to the world, but not his face. King T’Chaka had taken every precaution to ensure that his son’s privacy could be protected for as long as possible, or until he was ready.

Judging from how well you took the news- after you questioned him for two hours- he figured that’d be soon. And it was. He’d let the story slip, even giving an interview for the journalism club. Still, he kept his friend group small, with just the people he knew liked him for him.

Now, you’re sitting in Anthony’s dorm with T’Challa, Anthony and Alyssa, watching a movie. T’Challa’s back is against your wall as you lounge next to him, feet in his lap. Okoye is on the floor, still under the guise of being T’Challa’s sister. Alyssa is sitting in T’Challa’s chair that is pulled away from his desk, and Anthony is on the floor in front of her as she braids his hair.

Alyssa and Anthony have a very unique friendship, similar to your and T’Challa’s. They’re best friends, but everyone always thinks there is more to it, trying to put them in the ‘’Will They or Won’t They’’ plot line.

You and T’Challa never fell into that. Was there attraction on your part? Of curse. The boy is still fine, and he is definitely growing into himself. He is a good man, and he’s showing that each and every day.

And you know he’s attracted to you, too. You still remember the way he looked at you in your floor length, emerald green dress at the Freshmen Formal earlier this year in May. He’d been your unofficial date, seeing as you , him, Alyssa and Anthony all went in a group. You just spent most of your time dancing with T’Challa, especially since he was graceful during the slow dances.

Right now, he’s currently rubbing your ankles, as you’ve been on your feet all day.

‘’You have got to get some more comfortable shoes. You know you are going to be on your feet all day as a teacher.’’

‘’It’s only one day a week. This is just my internship. I can handle it,’’ you sigh, relaxing into his touch again.

‘’You may cause permanent foot problems, beautiful.’’

It’s not the first time that he’s called you that. But he calls Alyssa that as well. You’re a very tight knit group.

And you’re not jealous when he calls her that.

No, you’re not.

‘’Can you two either shut up or make out,’’ Alyssa asks, ‘’I can’t hear the movie.’’

Okoye, as graceful as she is, chokes on her water, stifling her laughter by burying her face in her arm.

Okoye is always teasing T’Challa about the nature of your relationship with each other, but he doesn’t see it as hostile. Besides, you know it’s coming from a place of love- she does not want T’Challa to get his heart broken with… whatever it is you two have going on here, and you understand.

‘’I mean, Y/N does have nice lips, but I am rather busy rubbing her feet because she doesn’t listen and wears heels to her internship.’’

‘’And T’Challa’s lips are dry,’’ you quip, and he looks at you in faux hurt.

‘’Please. They are never chapped.’’

‘’I’m looking at them right now, boo.’’

‘’For the love of… just date already,’’ Anthony jokes, using the line T’Challa had used on him and Alyssa just weeks prior.

It’s not that you haven’t entertained the thought of dating T’Challa. Who wouldn't’? He’s sweet, he’s smart, he is involved. He is currently treasure of the Black Student Union, he volunteers at the homeless shelter, he is always on the Dean’s List.

‘’It’s getting late. Maybe Y/N and I should be getting back to our dorm. We can always finish the movie tomorrow. Besides- it’s boring,’’ Alyssa shrugs, never one to hesitate and hold back what she is thinking.

‘’I will walk with you. Okoye, I trust that you are heading back to your apartment?’’

‘’I am,’’ Okoye says, knowing that this means T’Challa is relieving her of her duties for the time being, ‘’I shall see you all soon. Good night.’’

You say your goodbye’s, and T’Challa escorts you and Alyssa to your dorm.

She stays on the first floor of the building, and you on the second in your single bedroom dorm. So after T’Challa and you say goodnight to her, he walks you to yours.

‘’I hope that it did not make you feel uncomfortable,’’ he tells you as you stop outside of your door, fishing your keys out of your pocket.

‘’No, no, you did not. I understand- I know that we’re just friends. People just like to joke, tough, Why, does it make you uncomfortable?’’

‘’No, no, not at all. To be attached to a woman who is so beautiful and smart? How could that be a bad thing, Y/N?’’

‘’Stop,’’ you laugh, staring at him, ‘’You don’t have to say stuff like that. I am already your friend.’’

‘’I only speak he truth,’’ he stuffs his hands into his pockets, ‘’You know I'm attracted to you.’’

‘’And I to you, T’Challa.’’

‘’So , the real question, I guess is this: ‘Are we going to do something about it?.’’

That throws you, because that question can carry so many different meanings. And you don’t know what it means to him, but you know what it means to you. You want to be more than friends, and yet you don’t. You want something complex and something simple. But relationships are never ever simple.

So, essentially, what you hear when he asks that question is: ‘’Is it worth giving this a shot, no matter the outcome?’’

‘’Come here,’’ you take his hand, guiding him into your dorm room, where he sits on the couch pressed against your wall.

‘’T’Challa,’’ you sigh, sitting down in your desk chair and facing him, ‘’You know I care about you. But you are one of my best friends, and I’d hate to lose you.’’

‘’You would not lose me, Y/N. You know that I would not treat you any differently if we tried to see where this led and it did not work out.’’

‘’I know. I’m worried that you’d see me differently, or that I’d see you differently. I don’t want to lose this friendship,’’ you stress, and he nods.

‘’Alright. I would not want to try to convince you of something that you don't want. Are we going to be okay?’’

‘’We are,’’ you promise, giving him a hug when he stands, ‘’I’ll see you in the morning for breakfast?’’

‘’I would not miss it,’’ T’Challa grins genuinely, ‘’I will see you at the diner at ten.’’

He presses a kiss to your forehead, and for a brief moment you wish he’d press one to your lips.

And you almost take the initiative and kiss him when he pulls away, staring into your y/e/c eyes with his deep, brown ones.

But you don’t. Instead, you let him out, demanding that he messages you when he gets back to his dorm.

And you try not to wonder if you made the right choice.

The next day, you meet T’Challa at your favorite diner. You go there every Saturday morning to catch up, decompress from the week, and to get some homework done together. T’Challa is a Political Science major and you’re an Education major, but it works. He lets you practice lessons on him, you proofread his papers, and he has even asked if you’d ever consider working abroad.

‘’I would. Maybe you, Alyssa, Anthony and I can study abroad senior year,’’ you say as you take another sip of your orange juice, ‘’It’d be fun.’’

Before he can answer, Tessa Atkins, a girl from your and T’Challa’s English class last year, glides over.

‘’Hey, T’Challa.’’

‘’Hello, Y.N,’’ she says to you, but without the same flirtatious tone she’d use don T’Challa. It wasn’t mean, just different.

You’d definitely noticed her attraction to T’Challa last year. It was there before she found out that he is a prince, but you’d be lying if you said that you didn’t feel just a tinge of jealousy.

Just a tinge.

‘’I’ll call you later to discuss our plans. Bye, y'all,’’ she sashays away, and you turn to T’Challa in confusion.

‘’Plans? What plans?’’

‘’Oh, she asked me to accompany her to the movie night on campus,’’ T’Challa explains.

‘’You’re going on a date?’’

‘’If you would like to call it that,’’ he shrugs, ‘’I Haven't dated a lot. You know this. Nakia was my first and last girlfriend before I moved here. I am not so sure that this is a date. I think that we are just hanging out.’’

‘’The way you hang out with me,’’ you ask, stressing the last word in effort to convert what you are really trying to ask.

He looks up at you then, seeing the meaning of your questions in your eyes, ‘’No. It is different.’’

And he changes the subject, so you leave it at that.

But it stays burning in your mind for the rest of the day.

It’s three months later that they start dating, and you’ve never been more grateful for Christmas/Holiday/Winter break in your life/. You retreat back home, spend your time with friends from home and working to raise extra money for the next semester. The calls between you and T’Challa are becoming less frequent, and you know that you have no right to be feeling the way that you do.

You’re the one that told him that it wouldn’t work, and you still believe that.

It doesn’t stop you from wishing that you’d just taken the change.

And yet it does.

And you’re confused.

You’re happy for him, but also hurt, and you're still trying to figure out how that can be.

‘’Y/N, are you okay?,’’ your coworker, Justin, asks.

‘’I am,’’ you insist, clearing a table, ‘’I’m fine.’’

‘’You’ve been acting like this for the whole day. You literally just put the napkin holder in the bin,’’ he tells you, and you sigh, moving to the next table after placing the metal napkin holder back on the table.

‘’I just have a lot on my mind,’’ you shrug, and you wish he’d let it go.

He does not.

‘’Well, maybe you and I can hang out tonight. Go to dinner. It always helps to talk about your feelings.’’

You tell him you’ll think about it.

Mull it over for the rest of your shift.

Agree.

Three weeks later, you’re heading back to school with a boyfriend.

Conversations between you and T’Challa pick up on conversations, and things are back to how they used to be.

Sort of.

You don’t spend much time together, but you have dinner together every Wednesday and do homework together on Thursday’s.

Justin takes the train to see you every weekend, and you double date with T’Challa and Tessa. It’s nice, though, because you and T’Challa are still friends, he’s happy, and you’re happy.

You’re content.

You hope things can stay this nice.

Junior Year

And they do. You’re in love and it is nice and amazing and strange and wonderful and terrifying.

It’s a whirlwind of emotions that you don’t really want to end.

But it does, when he visits you for the last time to break up with you in person, saying that he feels like you two aren’t clicking anymore.

That your heart isn’t in it anymore.

And he’s right.

Because it isn’t.

Which is how you find yourself at T’Challa’s apartment, thirty minutes away from campus. It’s the October of your junior year of college, and tomorrow would’ve been your ten month anniversary with Justin.

Now, you’re lying across T’Challa’s bed with him as you both listen to a playlist of your favorite songs, reflecting back on heart breaks.

‘’This really hurts,’’ you laugh sadly, sniffling as T’Challa brings a hand up to rub your shoulder comfortingly, your head on his own shoulder, ‘’It sucks.’’

‘’I know,’’ he sighs, ‘’Breakups are never easy. But fear not. We have a long weekend due to fall break. We can sit here and listen to music and watch movies.’’

You laugh then, genuinely, and long and loud. He laughs, too, and it’s nice just to not feel the weight of everything else for a little while.

It’s three weeks later that you are taking T’Challa ice skating for the first time, laughing as he falls to the ice.

‘’Are you alright?’’

‘’I am. You may laugh now, Y/N, but you will not when I am the Black Panther. I will have grace and agility,’’ he smirks, leaning on you for support as you help him to stand.

‘’For someone who’s never skated before, you are doing fairly well.’’

It’s a nice way to calm down, enjoying Thanksgiving break since neither of you went back home. Instead, you had a turkey dinner with him yesterday, and he made you the same pastries that his mother, Ramonda, often makes for him when he is home for the summer.

‘’You look beautiful under these fluorescent lights,’’ he tells you, and you burst out laughing as he takes your hand again, letting him guide you around the rink.

‘’Thank you. I’m still going to laugh at you if you fall.’’

And fall he does.

Right on top of you.

Talk about awkward.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ he apologized, bracing himself against the ice to roll off of you, ‘’Maybe we should take a break? We can get something warm to drink?’’

‘’Yeah, that sounds nice.’’

Even though you kind of wanted that moment to last a little bit longer.

You find yourself rushing into T’Challa’s apartment, soaked from the freezing cold, November rain.

‘’You can get undressed in the bathroom. I will get you a shirt to borrow, then take our stuff downstairs to get them dried.’’

‘’Thank you, T’Challa,’’ you slip into his bathroom, pulling off your soaking wet clothes.

Sure enough, he leaves a pair of his pajamas for you outside of the bathroom door, which you slip into.

He takes your clothes downstairs before returning with a pizza, ‘’I ran next door to that pizzeria. Got your favorite. I will take care of dinner tonight.’’

‘’Such a gentleman,’’ you smile, taking some glasses down and preparing for dinner.

And falling even more in love with this man.

‘’Are you going to be alright,’’ T’Challa asks, referring the scene you’d witnessed earlier.

It was Tessa arriving at the skating rink with her new boyfriend on her arm.

That new boyfriend?

None other than Justin.

Because that’s salt in your wound.

You’d been okay, but you wanted to leave. He still hasn't talked to you since the break up, and you didn’t really feel up to conversing with him at the moment.

Unfortunately, the bus to T’Challa’s apartment would not be arriving for another hour, so you two walked. Then, it started to rain. Hard. Hence why you are now spending the night at T’Challa’s apartment.

‘’I am. I mean, it hurt a little bit at first, but I’m over it now. I’m fine,;; you shrug, laying your head on T’Challa’s shoulder, ‘’You?’’

‘’I am. What Tessa and I had may be over, but I’ve still got you. So I would say that I am the real winner in the situation.’’

There’s silence then as you both chew on the pizza, listening to the rain and thunder outside.

He places a kiss to your forehead, like he always does, but this time when he pulls away, you pull him back in.

Your eyes ask for permission, and he nods, as if he can read his mind.

You're learning in further and further until…

You hear the door opening, and you find yourself both wishing Okoye would have stayed out longer and silently thanking her before you ruined your friendship with T’Challa.

This was one of those moments that got away from you.

And you spend the rest of your night what would have happened if all of the events of the day had happened just a few seconds sooner.

The rest of the semester is pretty uneventful. You study together, he gets good grades, you get good grades. You hang out with Anthony and Alyssa, and he promises to call you over Christmas break. He does, you make plans to hang out as soon as you’re back on campus.

When you do meet up again, you have a two hour catch up session. He tells you all about Shuri and her latest antics, about his mother and dad. You talk to him about your family and things happening back home. He also asks you to the school’s winter fundraiser dance as friends, and you accept.

‘’You look incredible,’’ T’Challa tells you, admiring you in your black, floor length, long sleeved dress.

‘’What, this old thing,,’’ you joke, attempting to stop your heart from beating as fast as it is.

Because T’Challa looks amazing in his tux as he takes you back to your door, hand in yours,

As friends.

That’s all you are.

You constantly have to remind yourself of that.

The hall is pretty empty, with most people out on a lovely, January, Saturday night.

‘’Hey… can we talk for a moment?’’

He turns to you, nodding, and letting you lead him into your single bed dorm.

And that’s where it happens. There’s no epic moment, no birds, no music, no rain. You can hear the old school music your neighbors are playing, and you can hear the couple next on the other side of you loudly playing Monopoly.

But you don’t care. Because you’re in the middle of the dorm room, with T’Challa’s lips on yours, his hands on your waist as he pulls you closer to his body.

‘’I thought you wanted to talk,’’ he breathes out before bringing his lips back to yours.

‘’Later, We’ll talk later,’’ you sigh, then pull him back into the kiss.

And the moment is perfect.

It’s wonderful.

It’s hot and romantic and long awaited and you’re not sure why you were so hesitant to give this a chance.

Because his lips are made for yours and you’re sure.

‘’Wait, what does this mean,’’ T’Challa asks breathing heavily as he rests his forehead against yours, ‘’Are we together now?’’

In a way, you feel like you always have been. He’s always been there for you, and you for him. Timing was never right, and you were never opened to this idea until now.

Because he’s your best friend when your worlds apart, he’s your best friend when you're right next to each other, and he’d continue to be your best friend even if this didn’t work out.

So the real question is this: Are you ready to dive in?

Senior Year

Time changes.

People change.

Minds change.

Like the seasons, most things are not permanent. Unlike the seasons, people don’t always work how you expect them to.

Which is why it’s a surprise to you in the May of your junior year when Justin returns, asking you to get back together.

What’s not a surprise is when T’Challa is approached my Tessa, who makes the same request in the August of your senior year.

It's no surprise that this leads to both you and T’Challa screaming at each other, crying, voices breaking and resolves shaking.

It’s not a surprise that you don’t speak to him for quite a while, and he doesn't speak to you, until Okoye lets you both know that you are being difficult and need to talk.

It is a surprise when you’re laughing with him again, and it’s just like old times. You wipe the It’s not a surprise that you can feel graduation fast approaching, and neither of you have decided what to do about the situation.

It’s not a surprise that life happens, and that you and T’Challa don’t really talk about the situation until it’s almost too late.

You weigh all of the reasons that it could work- you’re good together, you like each other, you’re attracted, you really care about each other.

You weigh all of the reasons that it could not work- he’ll be moving back to Wakanda, Tessa and Justin are still people you have strong feelings for, timing has never been right for you too, it seems like it won’t work.

So, with a month left until graduation, you make your choice.

And you both try not to second guess where it leaves you too.

Graduation Day

You're walking the stone path one last time, relishing in all of the memories that you made on this campus. Some good, some bad. It’s where you where when T’Challa got news that his parents could make it to graduation. It’s where you found out that you got hired for that teaching job. It’s where you found your heart. It’s where you broke it. It’s where you had so many firsts and lasts.

‘’Babe,’’ your boyfriend pipes up, ‘’Graduation is beginning in thirty minutes. We need to line up.’’

‘’Coming, honey,’’ you sigh, taking his hand and letting him lead you back to the arena.

‘’I must go take my spot. But I will see you as soon as this is over,’’ he presses a kiss to your lips, ‘’I love you.’’

‘’I love you, too.’’

You are not sure what the future holds.

You don’t even know what tomorrow holds.

All you know is that you have the love of your life, T’Challa Udaku by your side, so you will take things as they come. And he’s got you.

And you’re so thankful for the day that he spilled coffee on you.

And for the day that you decided to take a chance and dive in.

DISCLAIMER- I own none of the Marvel Characters or any fictional worlds- they belong to their rightful and respectful owners.

#black panther imagine #black panther #black panther x you #t'challa udaku #t'challa x reader #t'challa x you #t'challa #tchalla x reader #reader insert #reader #imagines

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onrainynights · 4 years

Text

So I'm about to tell y'all a tale, buckle up. Everything here is 100% true, except names are changed or shortened because duh. Also warning there is slightly nsfw content, nothing explicit and only mentioned but still warrants a warning.

So, I'm 17, almost 18. I'm a high school senior. The story starts almost two years ago, in the fall of 2018. I was a sophomore. One of my best friends, V, was in our school's show choir for the first time, and had made friends with a new guy one year our senior who was also in slow choir. I knew before I met him that he was gay, because V told me. This guy can be called E. One day, he sits at our lunch table and I'm not really paying attention to his conversation with V, I'm just eating my lunch. But then I look up and my first thought when I see him is "eyebrows" because he has really thick eyebrows and then "wow he's actually really cute." He was the first person I was attracted to in over 2 years. I proceed to ask V all about him while admiring him from afar for several months. At this point its nothing more than attraction because I've never really had a conversation with him. Then, in the spring, I volunteered at the show choir competition my school hosted. I ended up talking to him (yay), and he hugs me within minutes of meeting me. One of the first things I ever say to him is "I like your eyebrows." Things are slightly awkward, because I'm an awkward person, and so is he, but it's pleasant. Unfortunately I don't get to spend too much time with him because we both had things we needed to do and there was A LOT of drama that night not involving either of us.

After that point we would talk occasionally but never really got to know each other, UNTIL fall of my junior year and his senior year. By this point I had a crush, but it wasn't more than that and I didn't feel we knew each other well enough to warrant me telling him my feelings. We were both in the fall musical. At auditions, we were friendly. Except he asked me about J, a guy one year younger than me, who was also just as gay as both me and E. The way he asked me "Who is that?" I knew, immediately, that he was attracted to J. He sounded exactly like I did when I first asked V about E after seeing him for the first time.

Regardless, E and me talked a lot more during rehearsals, though we usually kept our conversations light in topic. We flowed well, and he was just as physically affectionate as I was. After a few weeks, I see him cuddling with J during rehearsal, and a friend informs me they started dating. I asked them both questions about how it started—a Snapchat story, go figure. At first I was jealous, but I saw how happy E seemed, and that was all that mattered. But I didn't really know J, like at all other than his name, so I started spending as much time as I could with the both of them. They were a cute couple, I have to admit, but they always did PDA because of J's homophobic family. They only ever saw each other at school.

The first time I talked to J without E there, we bonded. I don't remember over what. The next time, we were alone because I pulled him aside after he made a dirty joke that I honestly couldn't tell if he meant (he did. It was hilarious, and I told him up-front that I wanted to be friends with him. He enthusiastically agreed.) The time after that, it was because I decided he should know about my feelings for E. I didn't want him to potentially find out later on and think I was trying to steal his boyfriend. He was amazingly mature. He said he felt bad for taking E from me when I had liked him longer, but I assured him that E didn't belong to me by any means and besides, J made E happy and that was all I cared about. I think I was already in love with E by this point but I didn't know it yet. J and I joked about my feelings for E whenever we were alone. We got along really well and it was a great time.

One time I cuddled with them, and it was nice, and when E had to get up J and I kept cuddling and talked about how much we both just wanted E to be happy. It was really nice.

And then, closer to the opening night of the show when the set was being built and there were more places to be out of sight, something strange happened. Now, earlier when I said PDA I meant they made out in front of others frequently, and the first time they did anything sexual with each other was in a well-known security camera blind spot in the upstairs math hall after all the teachers had gone home. I know that because J and E (mostly J) liked to tell me about their sex life. In fact, I knew more about their relationship than most people probably did.

So we were backstage one day, when E wasn't needed on-stage much despite playing a main character. There were two prop chairs between the three of us. J sat on E's lap on the chair that had a higher back and I sat as close to them as I could in an office chair. They weren't kissing or anything, just talking.

It was innocent, at first. But then J started working E up, if you know what I mean. It wasn't really uncomfortable for me, because J somehow made me feel ~included~ in their activities. He would whisper something lewd to E, who would blush or say something back, and then would tell me about how affected E was, how hard he was. At some point I think E mentioned not wanting to come in his pants, but I'm not sure. I kinda forced myself not to look into this event after it happened, so the details are a bit fuzzy. Eventually, E made J stop because he had to go on stage soon and didn't want to have a boner while pretending to be straight. J and I talked afterwards, but I don't remember what about, and it was never mentioned between us again. I'm fairly sure that J was a bit of an exhibitionist, and that E wasn't really one but wasn't opposed to what J was doing, either.

Honestly, in hindsight, I'm not sure what to think about this, because I was always so certain they both viewed me 100% platonically, but then they included me in their "sexytimes" without hesitation. In fact, at one point a plan was in place for me to room with them on an overnight trip so that they could do the do without making their roommate uncomfortable. They were both fully aware that I was probably the only person who didn't mind their PDA, and that sentiment may seem incongruous for a love triangle such as this, but I never questioned it. I loved E selflessly, and so it made me happy to see him happy, no matter what—or who—was doing so. Also, I think perhaps I was crushing on J at some point, but I'm not sure. These screenshots are of me explaining the event to a very close friend a few days ago after the shock wore off that I hadn't told her about it as soon as it happened.

At some point, a mutual good friend of mine and E's, who we'll call A, hosted a party for the cast of our musical. I'm not sure if this was before or after the casual exhibitionism incident, but I'm inclined to think it was before.

This party did not involve alcohol of any kind because theatre kids don't need any to make a party unique, wild, and totally unforgettable. It was small, with maybe 20 people at its peak. E and I were there and J was not, because his family thoroughly sucked ass. Anyway, at that party E told me he was in love with J, and wanted to marry him some day. I, obviously, thought that was kinda crazy to say after knowing each other for two months, but I held my tongue because E smiled so widely when he said it. Later that same night, everyone was sitting around a fire, playing a game somewhat similar to truth or dare. Due to a lack of seating, E ended up sitting on my lap for most of the game, which lasted over an hour, my hands around his waist. It was very nice, and when he got up he laughed and said he forgot he was sitting on my lap. He forgot little things like that a lot. I always found it endearing.

Then the show performed and then it was over, and I didn't get to talk to E again until a few months later, and I never talked to J again. Unlike most teens, I do not talk to people online /through text unless I already know them super super well. I hate getting to know people over text. By the time I see E again, because he's the student assistant in my choir class that semester, he and J have broken up. It was messy, and E is hurt. They're on-again-off-again for several months, but I can never forgive J for hurting E, not when he had talked about only wanting E to be happy. Despite that, I wish I could have spent more time with J. He was a good person, but he and E had a toxic relationship after the honeymoon stage, I think because J simply was not ready to be in a serious relationship. (A agrees with me fully on this.)

So E talks with me and a mutual "friend" (we're all friendly but I wouldn't consider this person a friend. Funnily enough, he also had a crush on E at some point, and we bonded over this. Funny how that happens.) about his relationship, and the things he says raise some red flags about J (including J doing something E didn't like during sex and then not stopping when E asked him to. I was very very angry at this but tried not to show it). It became clear to me that their relationship was toxic, but I didn't feel like I could do anything about it. In hindsight, I should have known their relationship was doomed a lot sooner.

Specifically, there was one point during the musical that J had to resolve things with his ex, who was a friend of mine (who I didn't know was queer and wasn't supposed to until E accidentally let it slip.) While J and his ex talked, I cuddled with E and reassured him that everything would be ok. He was convinced that J would cheat on him or get back with his ex. This lack of trust should have been a sign for me, but I didn't realize it until much, much later. I was focused on comforting E at the time and J couldn't have been farther from my mind.

Then, after E and J got back together again for the last time, covid happened, and school closed. I haven't spoken to E since, and no one knows what's going on with J. The only thing anyone knows is that they're not together anymore, and from what I can tell, they're not in contact at all and aren't going to get together again. E graduated, J is at a different school, and despite everything, I miss both of them.

Every day, I pass by a photo of E and A in the hallway of my school, and my heart swells, and I feel like crying. A graduated too, and she's moving thousands of miles away at the end of October for college. E is still living in our town, going to community college, but I never get to see him.

Our school is doing a fall play instead of a musical this year, and E and A are coming to visit and see a rehearsal before A moves away. It could be one of the last times, if not the last time, I get to see either of them. I'm going to tell E about my feelings, because for the first time since I realized my feelings for him were not skin-deep, he's single and not recovering from a nasty breakup. I'm not expecting him to return my feelings, but I'm expecting surprise. I've been very careful up to this point to keep my feelings from him—I thought it would be selfish to tell him when he wasn't emotionally available. A loves the idea—apparently she thinks someone confessing feelings for her after years would be sweet—but I know that if someone did that to me I might not be so happy. I would be shocked and surprised first, and then my reaction after that would depend on the person.

Also, to complicate all of this, I'm trans and he has expressed confusion about that before (poor guy is uneducated in that department, but not bigoted and certainly better than some gay men can be, but I still have no clue if my trans status would deter him from having feelings for me)

My feelings for this guy are deeper than anything I've ever felt before. I really love him, and I know that I'll regret it forever if I never tell him. His visit feels like it's as close to the right time as I'm gonna get, and it might be my last chance on top of that. I don't need him to return my feelings, but I need to know that I did everything I could to take my chances.

TL;DR: I'm a gay idiot but I'm finally gonna tell him how I feel

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