#I was kinda having a manic episode

[starrycassi]

Weapon.

One to disarm. One to fear.

Ballister stood still, looking at the boy in front of him. Ambrosius Goldenloin, the Golden Boy of the academy. The blonde, younger than him, was quickly showing him just why everyone adored him so much.

He'd thought of Ambrosius as a complete idiot, a total jerk, a spoiled brat. It was, well, shocking, to see him act like anything but. They fought, and Ballister won, and Ambrosius looked like a caged, confused animal. It was a stupid brawl, merely a misunderstanding, and Ballister had never actually won against a classmate. Sure, he was the most energetic and motivated student in the whole class, but the pure force of will he had wasn't enough to match whole childhoods of training.

And Ambrosius bowed.

It was slow, and kinda painful. Ambrosius Goldenloin bowed, bending over with a careful reverence. His long hair was loose now — Ballister had lost his own hair tie, too, and they both had a million of leaves and tiny branches in their hair and faces and clothes. The fight had started because Ambrosius said something stupid, but Ballister didn't even remember what he said. He was too stunned, too captivated by the respect he was being shown for the first time ever.

He'd always been a reckless boy. It felt right, and he wanted to, so he launched himself forward and hugged Ambrosius, because where he came from love was the only way to show trust, physical affection was the biggest form of friendship.

"Let's make up" he said, smiling with ease — he'd seen Ambrosius as some sort of god-send child-angel, but he felt so alive and real trapped in his arms, he breathed erratically and he had a heartbeat.

A voice in the back of his head told him this wasn't okay. He shouldn't, he couldn't, he didn't deserve to be so familiar with this boy. But hadn't he hugged all his roommates back at the orphanage? Hadn't he shared a warm embrace with every kid that offered him help?

When there's no money around, trust is the best currency one can give. He shouldn't, je couldn't, he didn't deserve to treat Ambrosius Goldenloin like he would any other kid, but he wanted to, he really wanted to. He wanted to become a knight, and it was working out. He wanted to have a friend, and there didn't seem to be any other way to get one than launching himself head first into unknown waters and hoping for the best.

"...sure" said Ambrosius, after a few seconds. And Ballister was almost starting to regret this, when the other boy's arm surrounded him, too, and he could feel the warmth emanating out his skin. The gross smell of the sweat. The trash and dirt all over him. The quickened pulse.

Ambrosius, suddenly, started giggling. He pushed Ballister away with a soft movement that he could never imagine would ever come from the cocky kid in the tv ads. But this wasn't Ambrosius, the child prodigy. This was Ambrosius, his classmate and newly acquired friend, who was blushing all of the sudden.

"Sure, let's be friends. I'm sorry, by the way. I didn't mean to be rude to you"

Ballister started cackling at the other boy's face, sorrow and regret painted over it, hunched over by the lack of breath. He didn't even remember. He didn't remember shit. The situation was so absurd — one second, he threw himself against an idiotic blonde for saying a stupid comment, the other, he practically tackled Ambrosius Fucking Goldenloin into a hug, all because he wanted to.

Ambrosius wasn't that much of a jerk, he came to find out later, together, in the blond's bedroom, patching each other up to avoid getting scolded by the nurse. He was rather kind. Rather human.

And a little bit pretty.

.

The clashing of swords and armors, bodies and fists, metal and iron, flesh and blood invaded the place.

Ballister cornered Ambrosius, smiling. This was fun. Their first time actually wearing their knight attire at practice, where they usually used bodysuits or something else. Armor was way heavier, and infinitely harder to maneuver in. However, Ambrosius's training seemed to languish when confronted with Ballister's line of work.

Ambrosius had been trained, sure. He was born to be a knight, raised to be a captain, and prepared to be the best; and he would've been, had it not been for Ballister.

Ballister, who went around, more often than not, helping the maids of the Institute to carry heavy loads of whatever they were transporting, who climbed trees for fun and grew up running errands.

Their bodies clashed, again. Metal against metal and sweat mixed with sweat; Ballister smiled, and so did Ambrosius. All the other couples were done already, and their eyes were fixed on the pair. Ambrosius and Ballister seemed to ignore the fact, hitting and moving and launching and escaping with ease, laughing slightly whenever the other wavered.

Ballister gave him the fatal blow. Or what would've been the fatal blow, had he used a bit more force. Instead, Ambrosius doubled over with pain, while their coach reluctantly announced Ballister as the winner.

Again.

.

Ambrosius and Ballister looked at each other, frowning. One in front of the other, swords raised, ready to fight all the monsters in the world. They stared.

They had fought, cried, laughed, made out, screamed at and enjoyed things, together. Like two cherries on a stem, like two sides of the same coin. Never seen without each other.

Both of them were adults, now. Even if Ambrosius was barely sixteen, and only an adult because of signed paperwork, they were legally, adults. And they were going to be treated like adults, from now on.

(It wasn't the first time. Had they ever been kids? Ballister couldn't remember. Had they ever been free?)

"From now on" said the Director, walking around them. Every pair of knights stood still and stiff, looking at each other. They always worked in couples. "I want all of you to understand weapons"

Her heels clicked against the floor at every single step she takes. Weapons. Ballister's heart starts to feel heavier in his chests. Weapons. He feels so ready, to take the laser bows and the energy-powered arrows.

He looks around, they all do, murmuring to each other, to themselves. Weapons. They expect to see someone bring them in, or to be told that the lesson will be moved and received outside, where the weapons will be awaiting.

The Director, however, keeps her rhythmic pace. She tells them to close their eyes, and they do, excited.

"I want you to think, for a moment" her voice, cold and bored, makes Ballister's excitement die almost immediately. "To really feel what it's like, to be alive."

They do. Ballister breathes in, slowly, and remembers sunny summers and deadly winters in an orphanage. Joyful springs and melancholic autumns in the Institute. It's calming, if only for a bit.

"Your blood" she adds, enunciating every word, "Feel it, feel it run in your veins. Feel your skin tingle, your hair"

They do. Ambrosius remembers that he's just a bunch of bones, guts, meat and cartilage, all put together to make him... well, him. It's comforting, in a sense.

"Now, open your eyes"

They do. Ballister and Ambrosius look at each other, smiling for half a second, too happy to see the other to hide it immediately.

"In front you, lies the deadliest weapon ever"

(she looks at Ambrosius when she says this. She looks at Ambrosius when she says this. She's already planning the future and he's going to be a vital part of it)

"I want you to try and understand what you are. All of you. You're knights, almost. You've been trained and been instructed"

She instructs them to get their swords up, again. They will fight, again. Like that, all. bundled up, all together. Ambrosius can feel someone hit his back, and he tries to communicate his confusion over to Ballister. Where's the weapons?

The Director tells them. All about it. They're not people, anymore. Not normal people, anyway. They're the best of the best, and the blood that runs under their skins is almost like the oil under a car's metal. They fight, confused and used to bigger spaces, to less people.

She tells them to watch out. They're a weapon, and the person in front of them is, too. Good weapons can be modified, upgraded and polished.

(They can also be disarmed. They can also be disarmed)

#lol this should be longer but I'm sleep #hey girl and non girl I'm alive #I was kinda having a manic episode #so #you know #nimona movie #ambrosius goldenloin #ballister nimona #goldenheart #nimona #ballister boldheart #nimona (2023) #ambrosius nimona #ambrosius x ballister #ballister blackheart #no beta we die like queen valerin #should i get this a oart two? they would kiss on it btw

[bipolarbabyyy]

The impulse to CUT IT ALL OFF was oh so strong and I am oh so weak

#impulsive #haircut #cut it ALL off #so short #idk how i feel about this #instant gratification #slight regret #bipolarbabyyy #manic episodes #what have i done #so strong #so weak #short hair #blue eyes #glasses #girls with glasses #cute hair #maybe #kinda sorta #will self destruct later #cutie pie #kinda wanna cry #blurry face baby #das me

[bilbopaggins]

#actually me tho #actually me rn #actually bipolar #bipolar disorder #bipolar 2 #bipolar ii #bipolar mania #manic episode #impulse buy #impulse control #having a bad day #let me just shop about it #broke af #broke as fuck #i'm broke #why am i like this #kinda hate myself right now

[basuralindo]

WIP Wednesday/chapter teaser, at long last

"You know, Floyd, I never understood before what it means when people say 'you're lucky that you're cute', but I think I am starting to."

     Jamil bent to kiss his fingers; softly, discreetly, like cash slipped into a handshake. "You put me through extra trouble with having to track you down like this, you know. But, if you get yourself cleaned up and come to the meeting along with Jade and Azul tonight, I'll forgive it."

     Floyd frowned. "That's why you were looking for me? That's hours away, I woulda come back in time. It ain't like I forgot, you know…"

     Jamil cocked an eyebrow. "We have an hour and a half, and it's a formal meeting. You'll need time to get dressed."

     {How the fuck is it that late already??}

     Floyd kept the thought to himself, and settled for blowing a raspberry about it. "That's still plenty time, you didn't need to worry. Actually…"

     A thought struck him, and he sidled closer to drape an arm around Jamil. "If you're that worried about it Seasnake, you could always come an' clean me up yourself~"

     "Floyd…" Jamil warned halfheartedly, the tone of command in his voice making Floyd shiver all the same.

     "I'm just sayin'," he pressed, leaning down to murmur in Jamil's ear, "If you want me to behave, you might need to come by an' keep me in line yourself…~"

     Jamil's breath hitched, and he released it in an exasperated little sigh like he thought Floyd wouldn't notice. Deny it though he might, he didn't bother trying to remove Floyd's arm from his shoulders yet.

     "Much as I would love to help motivate you…" he murmured back, his tone so seductive that it was clearly a taunt, "That is not how today will be going."

     Floyd opened his mouth to complain but Jamil interrupted at the first note of a whine, twisting out from under his arm to face him. 

     "What if I make you a deal," Jamil purred, tracing fingers over the strip of Floyd's chest that his open buttons left exposed. "If you behave yourself tonight, and the deal goes through and we are officially allied, then I will have more time and excuses to visit you, and I will see to it that we get some real privacy together, hmm?"

     Soft pulses of electricity emanated from Jamil's touch, making Floyd's skin tingle in waves. It was …persuasive, that was for sure. Floyd found himself caught between wanting to do whatever the man said, and really not feeling patient enough to wait.

     A faint barrier of magic prevented him from leaning in too close, but Floyd managed to crane his neck so their mouths nearly touched. 

     "You know…" he said in a low voice, "You doing shit like that ain't makin' it any easier for me to hold back, right~?"

#sorry i don't have much commentary on it today #but hey! Floyd POV for a change #kinda doubling as behind the scenes of a manic episode. which has been interesting to write #anyway enjoy some more open flirting #flojami #floyd x jamil #floyd/jamil #twst fic #twst #writing #chapter teaser #wip wednesday #my bullshit #octaviper #YHMR #you'll have me rise you'll have me fall fic

[antisocialxconstruct]

.

#long rant inc anyway I'm awake and out of bed and settled from last night's little Episode™ but like... #idk I kinda want to put this out there but also I don't want to slap it in big bright text all over my blog #I'm not running a 'Cluster B Blog' but I'm also by no means trying to keep this a secret #I do have NPD. Like for real. I'm unlikely to ever get an ASPD diagnosis #(which is fine that's one of those 'it can ruin your life' diagnoses) #but I meet nearly all the criteria. #I have the delusions of grandeur and the hypo-manic ego highs. #I have the No Empathy and I forget that other people have the same depth of lived experience that I do and aren't background characters #I say this not to make myself seem more edgy and interesting (although I am. Ohhh I'm so so interesting do you get it) #but because... well frankly I would like people who have a problem with that to leave LOL #and because idk... maybe to open a dialogue? The upside of having Main Character Syndrome is I'm happy to talk about myself #and if I can be that one cluster b person you know of who's kind of a freak but seems harmless... I'll be that ambassador

[moonscape]

i do still think that it was the right call to end ash's time in the anime with journeys just because they'd exhausted all that they could do with him (and also i'd hate another fucking series with team rocket) but with how much i love the sv cast i don't think i would've minded if he stuck around a bit longer just to see him interact with them

#bwark #i mean if they didn't get rid of him with journeys then they would've never gotten rid of him so i'm glad that it happened #i just would've liked to battle-manic ash to have met the even more battle-manic nemona #also nemona better return in horizons and arven and penny better make an appearance otherwise i will flip my shit #i mentioned this on call with emery one time but it's really sad that because of journeys we've gone from ''when this character appears'' #to ''if this character appears'' #i know horizons is kinda making up for it and is keeping it balanced by having a good chunk of episodes so far either be in galar or paldea #despite it also being a world-travelling series #but it's still a shame

[leahcee]

.

#still in a depressive episode but todays been the worst so far #kinda dissociated at work all I know is that I played my part well👍🏽 #and that I���m over the being in bed for hours phase and am now entering the delirious and manic feeling phase #but also still staying in and avoiding people unless I have to interact #like I tried so hard today to meet up with people this evening but literally everyone I texted is busy or something and all the rejection #was Not Good for my mental state 😂😂😂 #and then I texted the coworker who invited me out this evening to take them up on their offer but they never responded so uhhh #yeah Not Good for me and here I am eating sushi and ordering ice cream at home while #I think about everything I could rearrange in my room #<- as if that won’t take hours and not the 15 minutes my silly little brain thinks

[euryalex]

Finished planning RE: Collapse, working on the floorplan for the Nest AND made some progress in Blender <3

#i m #kinda having a manic episode but ASDFGFPIIRZHKHEDHGUERDN #hi #💖.em

[kaleidoscopic-refractions]

After weeks of depression I still don't feel that great but I suddenly have all this energy out of nowhere? And it sucks cause I've got nothing to do with it and I still don't have the motivation to find something to do with it so I'm just sitting here wanting to do something but also not.

#idk #maybe im starting yo have another manic or hypomanic episode #but normally when im manic i have so much shit i want to do #like i dont get this kinda energy without a tonne of moyivation too

[girlcalledwhatsername]

Genuinely so sick of symptoms. And i don't mean that in a "the symptoms of this disease are hard to live with" way but in a "i constantly have symptoms and seemingly no disease but symptoms are still hard to live with" way.

Every few days there's headaches and nausea so bad i sleep through most of the day. If i sleep less or more than the exact golden sleep amount for me it fucks up my head but I cannot know exactly when I'll fall asleep to plan my alarms accordingly. When i was younger i used to be constantly nauseated so I have been to many doctors and had many tests that turned up nothing. And too often the symptoms are gone/replaced by other symptoms before I can even go to a doctor and explain them.

"Today ribs will hurt" my body says. "oh okay" i think "just like growing pains ouf ouch my ribs". Then my body says "ribs won't hurt anymore" literally five minutes later and I'll think "thank god" but then what's this? It's tummy ache back with a steel chair!

Today we are cold. No cancel that, today we are hot. Today we have cramps. Today I offer you dizziness from walking up the stairs you've had for the past 15 years. Tomorrow, who knows? Every morning I wake with a semi-blocked nose and it usually goes away but sometimes it doesn't. I call them the Morning Sniffles. They are usually just a passing annoyance but today they barelled straight into a sinus headache - which I've never had before btw.

Don't even get me started on fevers. Congratulations, you have a fever! But, ah ah, it's a fake, psych! But you still feel feverish. But there is nothing there. Next time I'll do the fever-from-pain-which-dissipates-and-returns-at-whim.

Ok. Thank you, body. Thank you, mind. Thank you, room.

I would consider my friend's words, she has chronic pain and has told me I might have that too, since nothing shows up in tests, but she also told me how awful doctors are about it all, and how they barely treat you for it after knowing it's "probably psychological" and worst of all how having the diagnosis doesn't do you much good vis a vis accomodations because no one wants to hire you anymore or even give you a seat in an educational institution. Our culture has always treated disability as something to be overcome, something for inspiration porn, something to do with a bad attitude. And I get so worried thinking about how working regularly will never be feasible for me but I won't be able to explain to anyone why.

So it's back to the symptoms for me. It's always the symptoms. And I stopped going to doctors about the frequency of symptoms since they told me repeatedly nothing is wrong and have i considered yoga perhaps? I still go when I get ill of course but I think I find more relief staying at home and taking care of myself rather than trying to find out what's "wrong" with me and expending time and energy and resources on that. But the symptoms still suck though ughhh.

#on the one hand i think chronic illness/pain of some sort explains a lot #on the other hand the symptoms go away a few days or I have a manic episode and then i think I'm an imposter for using that term #anyway the cons outweigh the pros at this point in this country for seeking an actual diagnosis. so I'm good for now #disability #chronic illness #chronic pain #actually autistic #because that kinda features into a lot of it #as does the #bipolar #and in general the #mental illness #ok to rb #but also sorry about the formless rant #ask to tag #long post

[hooved]

literally if you like the paprika ost you should listen to p-model. it’s the same guy

#not everything by susumu hirasawa has the same vibe as the paprika ost tho #like a lot of p-model's older stuff is wacky high energy new wave which i know isn't for everyone but they have some good shit #and there's some songs i was kinda neutral about at first but they've grown on me #overall if you like experimental music that ranges from sounding like a manic episode in song form to bleeps and bloops with ethereal vocals #give them a listen. i have a playlist of my favorites too if you need recommendations since admittedly not every album is a winner

[rpmemes-galore]

.

#mental health tw #mental illness tw #not a meme #me @ me: yes yeeessss turn your manic episode into smth fun and funky #fair warning i am having a genuine breakdown right now #but at least i can turn it into smth funny for rp stuff??? so i can make it productive #and give other people a laugh #i just def wont be responding to messages / ims or inbox things #bc i am def not in the state of mind to be interacting with people #so nothing agasint anyone i aint ignoring you #im just kinda . not all there atm

[orcaview]

Im tempted to start posting nudes

#hype me up #i kinda wanna do it #bpd #im def having a manic episode rn #idk #take my clothes off #im hornee

[infinitetrainss]

looking at/thinking about characters i like makes me want to fuckin punch walls and bite stuff

#i have mental issues #:) #this is about kirby elfilin silver espio and daisy btw #i need to get my meds increased lol #also learned that apparently people can tell when i dont take my meds #i start having manic episodes #i get them while taking the meds somtimes too but i can kinda control them #anywas sorry for always venting in tags lol if you read these you deserve a extremely soft plush fr fr

[givemetherapyimawritingtravesty]

I kept snoozing my alarm to go back to my dream that was so good and I regret to inform you I am now fully awake and it's 2pm and I have not yet left bed. I need a drink so bad but I do not want to leave my room.

#i want to clean but i know trying to get up and accomplish things may trigger another manic episode and i need to rest as it is #i need help lol #but also the dream was so good and i was kinda like lucid dreaming or whatever where i could vaguely control shit almost it was wack #that never happens #for the record i have been up for several hours #scrolling in here and tt

[gnomecity]

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cdrxd6YIhKq/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY=

Bro I have been obsessed with thiz edit for over a month. Shadow the Hedgehog. Go look.

#🤖 #💚 #posting a link 2 someone else’z art remindz me of that one post I have about Omelette fanart + 30th anniversary Sonic comicz #that triggered a manic episode for me while I was on a road trip and so I was kinda sitting there and shaking and stimming a lot #it just meant I liked the art a lot dw #hypomanic btw #I think? #these tagz r so unrelated hi #Instagram