oh you know it's all latestage capitalism but the thing is. how are you supposed to be a person inside of this. a person trying to be a better version of yourself.
oh, you started working young, which was kind of hard, but it's just the way stuff works sometimes. and it was 2008 and your family couldn't afford heat. but it's fine, you grow a spine and get used to the professional world and besides it was the suburbs we're talking about here, like, your life could have been actually hard, so what if your father lost his job and you can't afford to move or turn the lights back on. and once you start making money, it's good. you keep doing that. because now they're relying on you. so you have to do that.
oh you were in thousands of dollars of debt at 17 years old so that you could go to school, because you have to go to school if you want to get a "real" job. you even did it "right", you worked parttime and attended community college before you transferred to a public school. you were under so many merit scholarships.
which is fine. you pick yourself up and you say like, okay. i graduated college. i'm holding down a job. i'm doing the Adult Thing, which looks and acts like this, according to all the books i've read. you start with the shitty job and then you climb that corporate ladder.
but the shitty job doesn't cover rent and you stretch yourself too-thin so you get sick. good luck with that. the shitty job no longer pays for your meals. everyone asks why you don't just move, but there's nowhere to move to. and with what money are you going to be moving? and then the loans come back, because they were never going to forgive them, because you were 17 and trying to do the right thing, which was stupid. people are now saying you shouldn't have even gone to school.
which is fine. but because you have no other option, so you do the shitty job, and you apply every day for like 5 new ones, and despite the fact everyone says "there's no one who wants to work!" it's actually just that nobody is fucking hiring so you can either work for 13 dollars an hour in the shitty place you know (where at least you have a passingly friendly relationship with the manager) or you can start from scratch again with a different 13 dollars an hour without knowing how much abuse from the new job you'll be taking.
and if you quit you lose your insurance. if you quit you lose your housing. if you quit, you'll be another burnout kid. the lazy ones. these assholes, look at them!
and you come home to a family dinner and you hear from your father the same old thing. how he worked hard at his job and yes it sucked for a while but he was able to provide for the family and then the house and the dog and the rest of barbie's dream vacation. how the insurance did cover some of it. how you just really need to start speaking up more in manager conversations so they know you're a go-getter. you want to tell him - did you know we're actually doing more now hourly than any previous generation? - but you can't remember where you heard that statistic, and you're far too tired for the fucking argument. and then he starts in on his usual bit. where's the house? where's your kids? where's your ambition.
the same job the same money the same hours doesn't do it anymore. the same nose-to-the-grindstone now just shreds your face off. there's no such thing as upwards mobility, not really. and as far as you're aware, the money certainly is not trickling. you do the soulless stupid shit you signed up for because you fucking have to or else you literally risk your life (food, the apartment, the insurance), but it's not getting you anything. you download the stupid "save more" app and you budget and you do every right thing and then the price of eggs is 7 dollars and you say - oh great! another thing i have to fucking worry about now!
and you go to your stupid job and everyone in your father's generation just tells you to be better about being an adult. they have their homes and their savings account and their bailout and they say. well have you tried not drinking starbucks. well your generation just spends too much on clothing. well you might just be too addicted to travelling. and you - because you need the job - you bite your tongue and don't say i am being held prisoner and you're suggesting i stop pacing my cell if i don't like the scenery and you don't say what the fuck do you think i've been doing with my money and you don't say i haven't spent a cent on something nice in literally forever much less coffee you arrogant asshole. you open and close your bank app and check your loans and check your credit score and check fucking zillow and ziprecruiter and apartments.com just one time more. and still they give you that demeaning little grin and say - see, what you need is -
what you need is for your meds to stop being so fucking expensive. what you need is for the housing bubble to explode into dust. what you need is for billionaires to choke on their wealth. what you need is actual help. what you will get is more economic advice from people who are older-and-wiser.
and above you, almost in a glimmer, you can see the wedged smile of your debt getting toothier, wider.
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content note: discussion of suicide.
this next monday will be the six year anniversary of losing one of my friends to suicide.
when he died, my high school barely mentioned his death, even though for other students who died by things like car crashes or illness, there were so many public expressions of grief. they believed that having any memorials for a student who died by suicide would encourage other people to die the same way. in their rush to erase the circumstances of his death, they erased the memory of his life.
there are so many things i am angry at that high school about in terms of how they treated mental health (mandatory reporting and collaborating with cops, their refusal to recognize the ways in which that system led to peer-to-peer crisis support, their refusal to recognize the ways that trying to keep each other alive through trial and error was scary and exhausting, carceral disciplinary policies, etc etc etc). but i think one of the things i am still angriest about is the way they enforced shame around his death. it felt like they were retroactively blaming him for the constellation of circumstances that made suicide an option in his life. it felt like they were blaming those of us who missed him and cared about him and wanted to grieve him. it made those of us still there who were actively suicidal feel even more scared about the reaction if we did reach out for help from one of those mythical safe adults.
as an adult now involved in psych abolition/mad liberation work, it makes me so fucking mad to see the ways in which he was discarded by people in authority positions. and the older i get, the more options i have found in my life for making sense of the world and finding healing and community and support which were never available to him because he died when he was 16 and the only things offered to him were a carceral psychiatric system that blamed him for his own fucking death. it feels so incredibly unfair.
i miss him and i think i always will; i can't remember his laugh or the sound of his voice or his favorite color any more and that aches. this grief is so heavy and it feels harder in a new way each year, when i become older than he will ever be. sometimes meeting new comrades or seeing new anticarceral suicide support models hurts because i wish so fucking bad that we had that back then. i remember how close we came to losing even more people that year and i know it is simple fucking luck that i'm still here when he's not.
i remember another letter (never sent) that i wrote to a friend while they were in an ICU bed after a suicide attempt when i didn't know if they would live or not. i have spent so much time in the past 10 years begging for anything to keep me and my friends alive, but even in that letter i knew that there is so much fucking violence that is hidden beneath psychiatric logics of cure and safety that promise a "solution" to suicide. I knew that institutionalization, coercion, and shame would not have helped build a life more liveable for him or **** or any of the people i've loved and lost since.
there needs to be more fucking options for care and support that aren't so incredibly cruel to suicidal people. i know so many people doing incredible work in alternatives, peer respite, a million different frameworks for healing and liberation. but it makes me so mad every day i have to live in a world where there are still people restrained, locked up in psych wards, having all autonomy and personhood taken away from them. knowing there are dozens of people every day getting blamed for their deaths the same way he was blamed for his.
i miss him. i cared so fucking much for him. and he died by suicide, and all of those things are true. he has been dead for 6 years and he lived before that and the people who loved him want to remember all of him; our celebrations of his life should not require hiding the way that he died.
Image description: [1000 origami cranes in all different colors and patterns that are tied together in strings of 25]
(these were the 1000 cranes we made to give to his parents, in memorial and recognition of how much he meant to us.)
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I know it’s played as a bit at first, but Chip struggling to wield Destiny’s Blade in Gillion’s absence is so important, because that’s just it, isn’t it. The weight of his destiny is something so great, so heavy of a burden, but there hasn’t really been insight into that until recently, and now both Chip and Jay are getting a look into just how hard it is to carry such a destiny. To raise the sword that Gillion does seemingly with ease.
But despite its weight, Chip keeps it close. He uses it when he’s out of ideas, when he needs options. He holds it tight to summon water, so Pretzel will have something in her bowl. He lifts it up to summon a shield when he needs protecting from a thousand different blades that would otherwise kill him. And there’s something too about how it’s Gillian’s blade, left behind without it’s wielder, protecting his friends despite his absence. How the manifestation of this magic is an imitation of Gillian’s - the shield protecting Chip as a swirling sphere of water, the shape water spell a Gillion classic of course. Even when he’s gone, his influence, what he’s left behind in both possessions and memory, are protecting Jay and Chip.
Maybe there’s something there about how whatever destiny Gillion has felt the weight of, it will always include protecting his friends - his family. Or about how their destinies are now forever intertwined, because Chip is using this Destiny’s Blade to find Gillion and it’s now his burden to bear. And it’s hard, and it hurts, and he feels the weight of his own actions now more than ever - but Jay promises he won’t bear it alone. And even while he’s lost, and unable to protect himself - Gillion still has a hand in protecting them.
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Easter with König
It's another holiday, which means I'm going to make my favorite fictional Austrian go through the holidays as well. First was Fasching, now it's Easter! If I have to celebrate it, then so does König, except he gets to have a better time doing it!
I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d meet his family during Easter. It’s a tradition of his to go to his parents’ home during that time for a visit and a chat, he only sees them maybe twice a year, so he can appreciate having a small get together with them. He normally gets along well with his parents, but he’s lost most of the contact he had with them ever since he hit his mid 20’s, but he does look forward to seeing them. Naturally, he’d take you along for the ride, regardless of whether you actually know German or not. He can play interpreter for you, it’s not a problem for him. But if you know German already? All the better, that way his parents and you can just talk to each other with no problems. He does hope that you’ll get along with them, they did play an important part in his life when he was younger.
König genuinely hopes that you will like the traditional Osterjause*, though. He’s loved Easter for that reason, and for the freshly baked lambs, but mostly for the best Brettljause*. In fact, he’s probably called his mother two weeks before his visit to let her know what kind of meat and sausages to get for him and you as well so that there shall be plenty to go around. If you’re not from around, then you likely don’t know what a “Gsöchts”* or “Schweinsbratn”* is, but he will assure you that it’s something delicious. König could rave on and on about that one farmer’s “Hauswiaschtl”. In fact, if he can, he’d love to go to the farmer’s market on Friday with you just so he can get you something to eat. Not above grabbing some Bauernbrot* and Krenn* either while he’s at it. Mans needs his Krenn when eating his Osterjause. Although it will have been a while since he’s seen everyone, he will introduce you to all the farmers there since he knows a good chunk of them growing up.
Naturally, he’ll be drinking a few beers here and there as well. He’s Austrian, it’s in his blood. Will have you try everything off the plate, from the Nuss* to the low-fat Karree*. Loves having you with him and will actively try to involve you in any conversation there may be so that you get to talk as well. Again, it might be a bit awkward if you don’t know any German, especially since he’s not the most reliable translator, but you’ll get by somehow. His parents have been curious about you for a while now anyway and have been wanting to meet you.
Although he claims to be far too old for that sort of thing, he wouldn’t mind looking for an “Osterkerberl”* with you. It’s a nice tradition that he used to love as a child and he wants you to experience Austrian Easter with him, so he likely asked his mother to hide one for you somewhere around the yard so you can go find it. She won’t give you any clues as to where it could be found. It’s childish, but it’s a lot of fun. In fact, if König were to ask her to prepare a Kerberl* for you, then chances are she prepared one for him as well, for old time’s sake. And then the both of you, two fully grown adults, will run around the yard, looking for the basket. Once you found it, you had to admit it was rather cute, filled with a few hand painted eggs, some colorful chocolate, a baked lamb and some crafted chicks and bunnies. Clearly, his mother put in a lot of thought into what goes into such a small basket. In fact, even the “grass” was made of edible paper, it seemed.
König would feel somewhat stupid, looking for a basket of all things during Easter, but it did remind him of his childhood, so he wouldn’t outwardly complain. Besides, you walking up to him, all happy with your little basket, does something to him. The sight was just too adorable, so he’d likely ask you, the master sleuth, to assist him in his hunt. Once you’ve both found them, you’d return back to his parents’ apartment and continue just chatting while occasionally eating a bit of the Jause*.
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Osterjause - Food that’s been prepared for Easter. It usually consists of meat, sausage, cheese, tomatoes and horseradish.
Brettljause - Same as Osterjause except it can be eaten at any point during the year.
Gsöchts - Geselchtes - Salted and smoked meat.
Schweinsbratn - Schweinebraten - Specifically prepared roast pork, eaten cold in this context.
Hauswiaschtl - Hauswürstel - A hard sausage.
Bauernbrot - A special type of bread.
Krenn - Horseradish.
Nuss, Karree - Types of meat
Osterkerberl - Osterkörbchen - Easter basket, a basket filled with easter themed food. Sometimes has a gift in it as well, mostly for children.
Kerberl - Körbchen - A basket
Jause - In this context it refers to the Osterjause.
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