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lincolndjarin · 1 month

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Every Now and Then - ch. two

[ And if You Only Hold Me Tight ]

pairing : joel miller x f!reader, platonicsoulmate!tommy & f!reader

word count : 9.3k

summary : you spend some time tommy, you spent some time with joel.

tags/warnings : 18+ mdni, angst, canon typical violence, language, panic attacks, violence, injury, wounds, possessive behavior, toxic relationships, animal death, i probs missed some i never know how to tag so lmk if i misses anything !!

a/n : this took so long and i dont even know it its good so i'm deeply sorry about that.

ao3 .𖥔 ݁ ˖ series masterlist .𖥔 ݁ ˖ main masterlist .𖥔 ݁ ˖ kofi

Now - JACKSON, WYOMING : 2023

“It’s nice to meet you Ellie.” You hold your hand out across the table to her, offering your own name up in the process, noticing an incredulous look in her eyes as you say it. Of course she doesn’t shake it, you’ve worked with enough survivors her age to know how they think.

She doesn’t trust any of this, and you can’t blame her. Every single thing she’s seen since arriving here is too good to be true, she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. That’s okay, you can be patient. She just needs to learn how to be a kid again. When she makes no attempt to move you pull your hand back, your smile never wavering. You’ve met kids in much worse condition than this, you can work with this.

“Why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself, Ellie.” You set the notebook you’d been writing in back down onto the table, you don’t want this to feel like an interrogation for her, it needs to be a conversation or you won’t get any of the information you need.

“Like what?” She’s slouched down into the chair, her arms crossed across her chest. She has her defenses up, she has spent her entire life protecting herself, she isn’t going to stop just because a stranger offered her a mug of tea. A mug of tea that she has notably not touched.

“Anything you want to, or I could ask some specifics if you’d like.” You take a sip of your own tea, hoping it might show her it’s safe. She only hums in response, you decide it might be for the best if you just ask her what you need to know. “Let’s start with a few easy ones, how old are you?”

“Why do you need to know?”

“We need to assess your health, what classes you’ll be put in, if you’ll be needing any feminine products. I promise, anything I ask is for your own good.” Seeing kids like Ellie is a painful reminder of just how lucky your own little ones are, it’s a wonder she made it this far. You can’t hold her skepticism against her, her distrust is why she’s still alive. “Would it help if we brought your father in? He’s just down the hall with Maria.” You aren’t sure why, you typically handle every stray but she had insisted on helping you out today. She’d spewed some sort of excuse about how Ellie might need some special attention but as far as you can tell she’s in the same state that most kids are in when they arrive.

“He’s not my dad.” She’s quick to say it, as if it’s a sore subject.

“May I ask his relation to you then?” Maria had told you she arrived with her father, you were told to expect one teenage girl and one man in his fifties.

“He’s… my friend?” She sounds unsure, unsure enough to ring alarm bells in your head.

“Honey, are you in a safe situation? We can help you if you need-” She doesn’t even let you finish your question before sitting up straighter.

“No, no, no, gross, it’s not like that, he’s not like that.” The look of disgust on her face brings you immense relief, this world is full of enough horrors for a young woman to face.

“Okay, I just wanted to make sure.” Even if she hasn’t been through that, she hasn’t had it easy, no one has. But there’s something distinct in her eyes. Loss. She’s seen more than enough of it, more than anyone her age should. Her eyes keep darting to the door, her head tilts in that direction every time someone walks by. She’s worried about her companion. She doesn’t want to lose him too. “I know none of this makes sense, and you have no reason to trust me but I need you to try Ellie. And if I ask you anything you aren’t comfortable with then you don’t have to answer but I need you to try, please. The faster we finish up here, the faster you can get back to your friend.”

She takes a moment, you’re practically holding your breath when she finally nods.

Perfect, you can work with a nod. You love a nod, a nod is all you need to help this girl.

“Let’s start with your age again.”

“Fourteen.” You’ll have to have a menstruation kit sent to whatever house they put her in, most people’s cycles start being regular once after a few months in Jackson.

“Thank you.” All you get is another nod yet you can’t help but smile. “Do you know where you were born?”

“No.” Her eyes are trained on your shoes, occasionally darting around the room but staying low for the most part.

“Where did you grow up?”

“The QZ.” The thought makes you sick for several reasons. The last place a child should grow up is the streets of a quarantine zone, even if she was in the FEDRA program it wouldn’t have been easy. The thought of any QZ still makes you queasy, even after this long.

“Which one?” Anywhere but Boston.

“Boston.” Of course. With your luck she would be. Someone’s far from home.

“FEDRA program?” As terrible as they are, they always keep the kids' vaccinations up to date, one less thing for you to worry about.

“Mhmm.”

“How old were you when you left?”

“Fourteen.” How the hell did she make it to Jackson all the way from Boston in such a short period of time? Why come to Jackson at all? There’s certainly other QZ’s between here and there, there’s probably other settlements too.

“Can I ask why you left?” It’s not a question you need to ask but your stomach is in knots at the mention of the Boston QZ and you can’t help yourself.

“I’d rather you didn’t.” Something flashes across her face, she isn’t trying to be rude, she simply doesn’t want to talk about it.

“That’s fine.” You don’t need to worry about it. She doesn’t know him. There’s no reason for her to know him. QZ’s house hundreds, if not thousands, of people. There’s no reason to spiral over nothing. “Do you have any allergies that you’re aware of?”

“Nope.” She makes a popping sound on the “P” as she leans back in the chair, trying to look relaxed despite how on edge she still is. You decide not to put anymore pressure on her, it won’t do you any good.

“How are you feeling physically? Any symptoms of illness?”

“Like infection?” You have to stifle a laugh, if she was infected the two of you certainly wouldn’t be sitting here right now.

“I’m not worried about that, I mean something more like a runny nose or a cough.”

“Oh. No.”

“Any skills in particular you’d like to learn? Our school system is a little less traditional than what you probably had with FEDRA.”

“I like science.” She sits up a bit, good, you’ve found something that piques her interest.

“Then I will make sure you’re enrolled in some science classes. But I meant skills like agriculture, construction, or veterinary care. Something you could learn about that interests you. You won’t be asked to help out around town until you’re sixteen but we like to let you explore different things to see what you like-”

“Could I learn how to shoot a gun?” She leans forward before you can finish your thought.

“You could apprentice some of the hunters, we could also have you trained for patrol and scavenging which involves gun safety and training courses. You’re a bit young for those but I’m sure I could ”

“Really?” You can tell by the inflection in her voice that she still doesn’t trust you entirely, even if she’s excited.

“Of course, you’ll probably be the youngest student in the training class but I’m sure you can handle it.” She needs something good in her life. You want to protect everyone who finds their way to Jackson but this girl makes your heart ache. Most adults you’ve worked with aren’t able to hold themselves together this long, putting on a brave face despite everything.

“Do you like burgers?” You almost cringe as you say it, hoping she’s had food outside of the synthetic shit FEDRA produces.

“I guess?”

“I’m having a little cookout tomorrow evening once everyone’s finished their work, it’ll be small, just me and some family but you’re welcome to join. You can bring your friend, I have two little ones you can play with. They might be a little younger than your usual friends but I promise they’re great company.” You swear she almost smiles, and suddenly you just want to make this poor kid smile. “You know, I’ve got a telescope in my garage, so if you stop by it’s all yours.”

“Seriously?”

“Absolutely, I’ve never even touched the thing so maybe you can put it to good use. Let me write down the house description for you, it isn’t too far from this building, you can stop in whenever you want tomorrow. There’s an empty house across the street as well, maybe I could show it to you, see if you like it.” You pencil it down, tearing the paper and handing it to her. This isn’t something you’d typically do but you can’t resist an opportunity to help her feel more at home here.

“Yeah, I mean that would be great.”

“Perfect.” You lean back in your chair. “What sort of hobbies interest you?” You’ll be in charge of putting together a welcome basket for her since Maria has marked her down as a permanent occupant.

“Reading, I like comics. And I used to draw a lot in the QZ.” Perfect, books are easy to find since Jackson was built around a small library.

“Okay then, I think that’s all I need from you for now but I’ll be around soon once you get housing settled. You can go join Maria and your friend if you’d like, I have to figure out what house we’re going to put you two in but I’ll be stopping by later with a few things for you.” That actually isn’t all you need from her, there are more questions on your mind, one specific question. Ask her what his name is.

“Thanks.” She stands, quickly heading towards the exit as you grab your notebook, you need to make a list of everything they’ll be needing.

You shouldn’t. If by some stroke of misfortune you’re right this question will only serve to destroy everything you’ve worked so hard to push away. You shouldn’t.

But you do.

Before she’s out the door you call out her name, you don’t want to know, but you have to.

“Ellie, what’s your friend's name?”

You found the treehouse two months after you found Jackson.

With tears streaming down your face you had dropped the twins off at Maria’s, mumbling apologies before going to the edge of town, a large amount of Jackson was empty, and still is. They’re planning for the future. Someday, generations from now, the town will grow and they’ll use these houses to accommodate families. But for now it’s just an empty town, one that you realized had a treehouse. You had hidden yourself away there, curling up into a ball to become as small as possible.

Tommy had found you hours later, shivering, with no more tears left to cry. And he hadn’t chastised you or asked you why you’d done it, he’d just taken your hand and walked you home. It doesn’t take him hours this time, only about thirty minutes according to your watch. You hear the crunch of his boots, the walking pattern you recognize as his, and the creak of the boards as he pushes the hatch open before sliding up into the small space with you.

Before he speaks you’re already reaching for him, desperate to cling to some kind of familiar safety.

“Hey darlin’.” It’s a dance you two do, fluid and instinctual as he pulls you into his arms, you slot yourself between his bent legs as he wraps himself around you. You used to sit like this when you couldn’t find shelter on snowy nights, one of the many habits you had trouble breaking when you found Jackson. Maria would never ask you to change your relationship with him, it was a decision you had made with Tommy when he told you he wanted to marry her. A part of you just sort of knew she didn’t like it, so you stopped. And you’d never hold that against her, if the roles were reversed you certainly wouldn’t be as kind as she’s been. That’s why you’ve always loved Maria, since the first day you met her she has been like a sister, patient but blunt with you.

Except in this one instance.

She withheld some particularly important information.

“The twins?” You lay back against him as you mumble.

“Maria’s watching them. They’re helping her make dinner, you shoulda’ seen them in the kitchen. I swear she’s the only person they listen…” His voice trails off when he feels you tensing up all over again as you go back to fighting off tears.

A silence falls between you, familiar and reminiscent of your first few days together out in the woods. And just like back then, you’re the one to break it.

“Have you seen him yet?” The words feel small and hoarse in your throat.

“No. Couldn’t bring myself to.” He rests his chin on your shoulder, you wish you could find comfort in any of this but there’s just too much dread. Too much unease fills your stomach to relax.

“Does he know you’re here?” You wish your voice didn’t tremble so much.

“Maria didn’t tell him.”

“Are we sure it’s even him?”

“Not a lot of Joel Millers walking around during the apocalypse.” It’s like he can sense your skepticism as he quickly continues. “She said he looked like a Miller.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Like me but grayer.” Fair enough.

“Does he know I’m here?” There’s no way. He couldn’t.

“No.”

“Good.”

“Can’t stay that way forever.” You know that. But you don’t have anything to say about it so you move on, and redirect the anger that mixes with your confusion and fear.

“Why didn’t she tell us?” He can’t take your side in this, as much as you want him to, he has to take her side because her’s is the rational one. Do you have a side? Can you be mad at her for this? Are there even sides?

“Probably because she knew we’d react like this.” His head tilts a bit to rest against your own. You’re thankful for this position so you don’t have to look him in the eye.

“She should have told us.” You’re trying to remain calm but your voice is pitching up higher by the minute.

“She was going to, she just didn’t know how. She thought she had more time”

You need to relax. It feels like your heart is going to burst from your chest and you’re certain Tommy feels it too.

“How did he find us?” He wouldn’t have been looking for you specifically, unless he had a death wish.

“On accident, I think. Maria said he was looking for me when they found him.” That makes sense. It’s just a coincidence that you’re also here. He has no way of knowing that you even know Tommy. How he managed to locate him is another matter.

“We’re two thousand miles away from the QZ, how the fuck did he find you?”

“He always gets what he wants.”

You can’t argue with that. Plain and simple, you don’t need much more than that.

“I don’t want to see him.” An impossible request, but you make it anyway.

“We both know that isn’t possible.”

“Tell her to send him away.” Also unlikely.

“You know she can’t do that, we don’t turn folks away from Jackson.”

“Then I’ll leave.”

“Like hell you will.” There is no fight in his voice, just certainty as he holds you a little tighter. Not without me. The silent promise that lingers under his words, but it’s more complicated than that now, you have two toddlers and he has a wife, there is no running away from this. No running away from him

He’s inevitable.

It doesn’t matter if the world ends, and you run halfway across the country, Joel Miller is inevitable.

“He’s got a kid.” You mumble as you reach for his hand, entwining your fingers with his. You hadn’t realized how cold you were until you felt the warmth of his skin against yours.

He scoffs. “He’s got two.”

“Another kid, some girl. He brought her here all the way from Boston.”

He shifts a bit, clearly confused. “Why?”

“I was hoping you’d know, it isn’t exactly in his nature to help the needy.”

He pauses for a moment. “Well, I mean, how old is she?”

“Fourteen.”

“Well there’s your reason, Sarah was fourteen.”

Sarah.

A girl you know very little about other than the fact that she’s your daughter's namesake. Sarah Ruth Miller. It had been Tommy’s idea, you had only picked out a name for a boy and you owed Tommy everything for keeping you alive that long, so when he asked if he could pick his niece's middle name you’d been more than happy to oblige.

It hadn’t been Joel who told you about Sarah, he never even told you he had a kid.

Tommy had told you about it just before the twins were born. You’d been snowed into a cabin and he’d just returned from hunting with a grin on his face as he told you he had a surprise. You couldn’t sleep, between the cold and the pain in your lower back you were just too uncomfortable most nights. Tommy always insisted on staying up to keep you company even if he ended up falling asleep most of the time.

That night he told you about how he lost his niece on outbreak day as he skinned the fox he’d caught in one of his traps as you sat beside him in front of the crumbling fireplace. When he finished the story he held up the pelt and told you he was going to make your babies first blanket with it.

Of course at the time neither of you knew that he would have to make a second blanket, or that he would need to do it a month sooner than either of you had planned.

“I invited him to dinner tomorrow.” No sense in hiding the fact from him, he’ll find out either way.

“What?” His hand tightens around yours and it’s your turn to comfort him as your thumb rubs circles against the tense skin.

“Ellie- the kid, I invited her before I knew about Joel. Even told her she could bring him.” You almost laugh at how ridiculous it all sounds now. Of course you invited him to dinner completely by accident, sounds like something you would do.

“Then why don’t we just get it over with?” Or you could leave, brave the Wyoming wilderness with your kids and his wife and make a run for it, far, far, away from Joel Miller.

But you can’t do that.

So you might as well get it over with.

“Together?” You bring his hand up to your face to warm the icy skin of your cheek.

“Together.”

He means it. He stays with you until the next day, walking you back into town and bringing you to his house. Maria starts apologizing the second the two of you walk through the door but you just hug her. She doesn’t owe you anything, any anger you thought you felt towards her was misplaced.

And you all settle in for the night.

On particularly bad nights you’ll spend the night at their house. It’s been happening less and less these last few months but it’s an unspoken decision tonight as Maria brings down sleeping bags from the attic for the kids.

You tuck the kids in by the fireplace, hoping that they don’t catch the vacant look in your eyes as you kiss their foreheads. Thankfully they both seem to be too excited about having a living room campout to notice. You hear hushed whispers from the kitchen, it sounds like an argument so you just sit on the couch, wrapping a blanket around yourself as you stare out the window facing the street.

What house did she put them in? There are a few options for temporary housing, but he could be anywhere. The thought makes you nauseous. Thankfully you’re distracted when you eventually hear Maria stomping up the stairs followed by a sigh from the kitchen before Tommy joins you on the couch.

“Everything all right?” You mumble, hoping to not wake the kids as you offer up some of the blanket to him.

“It will be.”

God you hope so.

“How do you wanna do this?”

Good question.

Preferably you wouldn’t be doing this at all, instead you would be enjoying what might be the last nice day before autumn sets in entirely. You, Arthur, Ruth, Tommy, and Maria. You’d still be happy if Ellie came over by herself but that’s so unlikely you don’t even consider it an option. Joel’s too protective and you confirmed with Maria that Ellie would be coming. He won’t let her go alone, you know that better than anyone.

You rub the back of your neck with your freehand. “The kids stay inside with Maria.” Ruth is already there, helping her aunt with the salad as Arthur sits in your lap, playing with a few stones he’s set up on the picnic table.

“Okay.” Tommy’s biting his nails, you’d spent weeks reprimanding him about that until he broke the habit.

Your knee starts bouncing, a nervous habit of your own that you’ve had for as long you can remember. Thankfully Arthur simply hums to himself as you bounce him. As far as you can tell neither one of the twins knows something is wrong, you can only hope it stays that way.

“We can wait for them out here, I can ask Ellie to go in and help Maria with the kids.”

“And then?”

You frown in contemplation. “I haven’t planned that far ahead.”

“So you didn’t plan for the most important part?”

“Did you?”

His teeth shift when you ask, biting down hard enough to split his nail lower than he intended. You watch as blood blooms there while he curses under his breath.

“Shit, go inside and grab a bandage, they’re in the cabinet above the sink.” He stands as you wave him towards the house, he brings his thumb to his mouth, his brow furrowed. “And bring Maria and Ruth out with you when you come back so we can go over everything with her.” He nods, humming in response before he disappears behind the screen door.

“Is Uncle Tommy okay?” When you look down you’re met with a worried look plastered on your son's face. You instinctively cup his face with your hand, using your thumb to smooth out the wrinkle between his brows. He looks too much like his father when he does that.

“He’s okay, love. He’s just gotta go get your Aunt and Ruth.” You lean down, kissing his forehead before turning to set him down next to you.

“Okay, Mama.” He seems satisfied with your response as he gives your leg a little pat before running off towards the edge of the yard. You’ve got a patch of rocks and gravel the kids like to dig through. You turn to watch him, with your back now leaning against the picnic table as he crouches down, examining the ground before finding a suitable stone. Clutching it in his hand he rushes back to you, holding it up for your approval.

“Very pretty, thank you.” You take it from him with a smile, setting it behind you on the table with the rest of them. He repeats the process several times, staring down at the ground, scrutinizing each rock before bringing the ones he deems good enough over to you. You give appropriate oo’s and ah’s to each one, grateful for the brief peace your son is able to give you. He carries on with this for sometime, until you have a sizable pile of rocks beside you.

He leaves, and he returns, dozens of times until he decides not to return to the patch of gravel.

You thank him for the speckled stone he hands you now but instead of running back across the yard he squints, staring up at your expression.

“What’s wrong?” He hops up onto the bench next to you, grabbing the sleeve of your shirt and bunching it up in his little fist as you give him a soft smile.

“Nothing’s wrong, hon.” You ruffle his hair a bit but he doesn’t seem convinced.

“Why’d you make a mad face then? Uncle Tommy too.”

So much for the kids being clueless, they’ve always been too smart for their own good.

Shit.

You sigh, looking up at the clouds briefly before looking back down at him.

No sense in lying to him. “You know how Uncle Tommy has a brother?” You wrap an arm around him, pulling him close.

His face scrunches up a bit as he thinks. “Yeah…” He doesn’t sound entirely convinced as you give him a reassuring smile.

“Well, we don’t really- we don’t always get along with Uncle Tommy’s brother, and he’s gonna be visiting us soon.”

“Why?”

“He’s in Jackson for a little bit, and he came a long way to get here-”

“No Mama, why don’t you like him?”

This is a conversation you had hoped to have with your children when they’re older. Preferably it would be one you wouldn’t have to have at all, but it’s just another unavoidable part of Joel. They’re already old enough to ask questions, it started when kids in their class began asking if Tommy was their dad. Which of course led to the twins asking you one night just before bed the same question.

“No love, he’s your uncle, who told you that?” You don’t want that rumor going around, people already talk about it, it doesn’t help that they both bear a resemblance to him.

“No one, Annie asked us.” Your daughter answers as you brush some of her hair behind her ear. You recognize the name, it’s a girl in their daycare class.

“And what did you tell her?”

“That we just got a mom.” Ruth answers but Arthur picks up the second she’s finished speaking.

“Do we have a dad?” He tilts his head to the side as you swallow loudly.

“Yes, you do.”

“Where?” Ruth asks.

Last you’d heard he was in Boston.

“I’m not sure.” They turn and look at each other before turning in unison towards you, you should have known they wouldn’t take that answer. “We lived together for a little while, in New York, and then we got separated.” None of that means anything to either of them but it’s an answer, which is better than nothing.

Arthurs tiny hand squeezes yours, pulling you back into reality. You often wonder if they know when you’re lost in a memory, he looks up at you curiously. What did you do to deserve such a patient child?

You take a moment to think of a way to phrase it. “We… got into a fight. A long time ago.”

“About what?”

“Grown up stuff.” Your heartbeat quickens, you don’t want him to know about all that, he’s too little, you need to end this conversation.

“What kin-“ When he starts another line of questioning you poke at his sides, sliding him off the bench in a fit of giggles.

“Time to go inside, nosy little man.” You follow after him as he rushes away, brown hair that’s just starting to curl at the ends falling into his eyes as he runs away from the house.

You catch up to him within a few steps, scooping him up and cradling him like a baby. He lets out a high pitched shriek until you squish your face into his cheek, kissing the rosy skin until he quiets down to a few small giggles.

“Your aunt needs some help in the kitchen, you’re gonna go play with her and your sister now.” He nods as he squirms in your arms until he’s more comfortable, wrapping his arms around your neck and resting his chin on your shoulder as you walk him back towards the house.

He’s gonna need a nap soon, which means Ruth is gonna need a nap soon. Maybe you should try and get them both down before everything else happens.

Right on cue, Tommy pushes open the door with Ruth on his hip, Maria not far behind him. Based on the smiles they’re both sporting you can assume they’ve made up. They always do.

“I think it might be time for these two to head inside.” Tommy gives you a soft smile and for a single second you get to pretend that everything’s fine. Maria takes a lighter towards the grill, trying to light it as you go to stand next to Tommy, the twins both grinning at each other.

In your own little bubble, everything is completely fine, and you’re with your family.

And at the end of your single perfect second the bubble is popped. It all happens before you’re ready, although you doubt you could ever really be ready for this.

Maria pockets her lighter, mumbling something about going inside to look for matches after a few unsuccessful attempts. You set Arthur down, nudging him in her direction, he quickly runs towards her, taking her hand as she begins to make her way back towards the house. Tommy wraps his free hand around your shoulder. Giving you a reassuring squeeze as you rest your head against him to stare at your little girl.

“We’ve got this.” He gives you another squeeze but you’re struggling to find safety in it. He’s always been the strong one, the confrontational one. He’s got this. You don’t. You tilt your head to stare at him when Ruth’s gaze goes from your face to his but your head snaps to the side when you hear your name called.

Everyone looks up. The twins, Maria, Tommy, and you, as Ellie walks around the side of the house and waves at you. The sound of your name makes the man walking behind her look as well, his all too familiar scowl scanning the yard, softening into a look of disbelief when his eyes settle on you.

Then - NEW YORK CITY, QUARANTINE ZONE : 2019

“I don’t like havin’ you out there on your own. I worry too much.” He mumbles the words against the back of your neck as he tightens his hold around your waist. At some point the two of you had stopped pretending you’d wake up any other way and just went to bed like this. “Stay here, angel.”

You’re so comfortable you almost consider it, but you ran out of cards last week and you’re cleared for work as of today. “I have to go if I want to sign up for any of the well paying shifts, Joel.” You peel his arms off of you, sitting up as he matches your movements.

“Don’t sign up for that shit, it’s always somethin’ stupid or dangerous.” His voice is low and thick with sleep as he wraps his arms back around you. “If you need somethin’ I’ll get it for you.” He hasn’t shaved in a few weeks, his coarse facial hair rubs against your shoulder as he murmurs.

Who knew big, scary Joel Miller could be so clingy.

The most surprising part of your relationship, if you could even call it that, with Joel is just how needy he is. You don’t have any problems with it, it’s just a bit of a shock. Although maybe needy isn’t the right word.

Protective.

You’ve left the apartment two times in total since moving in with Joel, both times you insisted on needing air much to his dismay. He accompanied you around the block without a word the first time. The second time was the same, the only difference was that you stopped to buy a small bag of buttons, Joel had frowned as you made small talk with the older man sitting behind the table before rushing you home.

“You could have just told me you needed buttons.” He grumbles as he holds the door open for you as you make your way to the kitchen table, taking a seat as you take his flannel off of you, the sight of your tattered sports bra serves as a reminder of how badly you need to get back to work once you’re cleared.

“I don’t need buttons, you do. Every shirt you own is missing at least one.” You laid the shirt down on the table, pointing to the drawer next to the sink. “Get me the sewing kit.” His frown deepens but he does as you say before sitting down across from you.

Reaching across the table he sets the box down beside you, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Still, you should have just asked me.”

You open the small tin, unspooling a bit of thread. “I needed to go outside for a few minutes, it’s stuffy in here.”

“We could have opened a window.” He grumbles under his breath as you grin, holding the thread between your teeth while sliding the other end through the needle.

“It’s not the same and you know it.” You mumble through your teeth before releasing the thread and setting the needle down. You pour the buttons out onto the table, searching for one that best matches the beige of the buttons on the flannel. Eventually his hand encompasses your own as he guides you to one that’s a slightly different shape but matches the color perfectly. “Thank you.” You give him a teasing smile as you place it over the frayed threads where its predecessor once was.

That was a week ago and you haven’t been outside since but when Joel went to get the mail from downstairs he brought you a notice from the doctor that you were cleared to return to work today. Despite his protests you start to push the blanket off of you but he’s quick to pull it right back up into place.

“Stay, please.” He continues to hum against your skin.

“I need the money, Joel.” You turn to look at him, his usual morning sulky look seems doubled today.

“How much do you need?” He raises an eyebrow at you as he lets his face fall forward, his forehead resting on yours.

“It’s not like that.” You swear, if you asked him to, he'd find a way to give you the moon and stars, but you hate relying on him for everything, especially after such a long time of being dependent on him. “I just need to work.”

“You don’t need to. You want to.” His breath still smells like whiskey from last night as he gives you an exasperated glare.

“Fine, I want to work. My leg’s fine now, you can barely tell anything was wrong with it. I’ll be okay.” You lean just a bit more towards him, kissing his cheek before sliding out of bed.

You aren’t exactly dating Joel.

Dating seems so trivial during an apocalypse, and you haven’t had any conversations about it. It just sort of happened. You woke up one day and neither one of you wanted to pull away from the other, and it progressed from there. He came home from a job one night and climbed into bed next to you, wrapping himself around you and he kissed your forehead before falling asleep. You still don’t know if he knew you were awake. The next night you’d taken his face in your hands and kissed him, just to see what he’d do, thankfully after a moment of shock he’d kissed you back. And it just became another unspoken part of your life with Joel. He kissed you goodbye when he left to go do the things he refused to tell you about in any detail, and you always greeted him with a kiss when he returned.

But you don’t have sex.

You want to ask him why but you hold your tongue, it’s possible you’re just being impatient or maybe he just wants to wait. So you don’t push it or bring it up because you like how things are with him.

The word boyfriend is not a word that suits Joel.

He isn’t your boyfriend, he’s just sort of, yours.

“Angel, please.” He continues his griping as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Joel, please.” You repeat back at him, trying to mimic his low tone.

“I’m bein’ serious. Things have gotten bad out there recently, too much FEDRA bullshit.”

“It’s always been bad and I’ve always managed, I’ll be fine.” You pull one of his shirts out of the closet, slipping it on, starting to button it as he makes his way to the end of the bed.

“Can we at least talk about this?” He rests his elbows on his knees as he hunches over. The morning haze on his face is gone and is replaced by the stern scowl you’re used to.

“There isn’t anything to talk about. I’ll be careful, there’s nothing to worry about, I’ll see you tonight.” After digging through the dresser drawers you eventually find your only pair of jeans. Once your boots are laced you walk back over to him, standing between his legs and taking his face in your hands.

Staring down into his surprisingly gentle eyes, so dark that in the dim morning light they look pitch black.

God he’s pretty.

Even with that stupid pout of his.

“I’ll see you tonight.” You lean down, placing a kiss on his forehead before pulling away only to be stopped when his grip on your waist tightens.

“Just- wait.” You’re about to push him away with a laugh but his voice cracks just enough to make your smile drop.

You start to speak in a soft tone but you only get one word out. “Joel…”

“Please- I just- I can’t let you go out there and sign up for that shit. There’s jobs that aren’t dangerous, simple stuff.”

“Those jobs pay a few cards at best, hon. I can’t wear your clothes forever, I need new underwear, socks, all sorts of things. And I want to contribute around here, I’ll be okay, I promise.” You push the mess of hair falling across his forehead back as you stare down at him.

He looks so genuinely upset already and you haven’t even left yet, he’s making this far more difficult than you thought it’d be. “I won’t be able to do anything if I don’t know you’re safe. It’s dangerous for both of us, I can’t be distracted like that.” You sigh, long and loud as you drop your hands to your sides.

The more you think about it the more it makes sense. He really does worry too much, and even if you don’t know exactly what he does for work, you know it’s dangerous.

Maybe it won’t be so bad.

“Okay.” You groan.

“You’ll stay?” The corners of his mouth start to raise a bit.

“I’ll do the safer jobs.” The hint of a smile that had been on his face dissipates. “It’s a compromise. You can’t always get everything you want.”

“Fine, come right home after.”

“I will.” With one more kiss he finally lets you go.

So, at Joel’s request, you sign up for the easy jobs.

They’re boring, and generally sort of terrible, and they pay the least, but Joel doesn’t make any further arguments about it. So you keep signing up for them. Typically it’s childcare, or filing documents for FEDRA, or working in the entry level food processing jobs.

Boring, boring, jobs that involve standing around and doing nothing or wrangling kids who don’t deserve to grow up in a place like this. You hate the look on their little faces, they always look too grown up for their ages.

But you put up with it, because at the end of the day you get to go home to Joel, Joel who seems to be in significantly higher spirits ever since you’ve agreed to those specific jobs. So you make it work. He makes it worth the banality of it all, at the end of your first week back to work he surprised you with a large paper bag, grinning like you’d never seen him before. When you unfolded the crumpled bag you were greeted with a mess of fabric, different colors and textures. You poured the contents onto the bed and immediately realized what he’d gotten you. Bras, panties, socks, and two pairs of jeans. It must’ve cost him a fortune and your eyes began to water immediately. You had wrapped your arms around him, barely letting go of him for the rest of the night.

After that it got even easier, eventually you got used to it.

You learned to live with the terrible jobs, and if you wanted anything you couldn’t afford with your meager savings Joel always managed to get it for you, even if you hadn’t told him you’d wanted it in the first place.

You probably would have stayed like that forever if you hadn’t started taking the long way home. Weeks had passed before it happened, you had grown comfortable, vulnerable. Joel always made sure you felt safe and you let your guard down just long enough for something to happen.

Joel had left early that morning, telling you that he was gonna be late, before he kissed you, he was out the door before the sun came up.

Whenever Joel told you he would be late you took the long way home. Winding back alleys that were mostly empty that always led back to the apartment building. It was just a treat for yourself, something to do to fill time that would be spent at home, waiting for him.

You never had any issues or alterations.

Until that afternoon.

Joel will be late.

So the second your shift is over you take the handful of cards and make your way through the city. And just like you’ve done every other time, you look behind you every once and a while but not nearly as much as you should. Because of this, you don’t see him until it’s too late.

It’s a younger man, probably a year or two older than you at most peering around the last corner you turned. Once he knows he’s been seen his pace quickens and instinctively you do the same.

“On the ground!” The second you hear it you pray it’s for someone else, it has to be, you’ve done nothing wrong. You walk faster, hoping to avoid what could be a messy confrontation when the sound of boots slamming on the pavement rushes towards you and you’re forced up against the wall of the alley.

In your peripheral you catch the white text against the black of his uniform.

FEDRA.

Your knees are kicked from under you as he pins your arms behind your back, the force at which your head hits the stone has you dizzy as you try to catch your breath. Too much is happening too quickly, when you finally feel like you can use your voice the wind is knocked out of you as you feel him hit you in the side, hard enough to have you wondering if he broke a rib. The force of the hit makes your knees crumble completely as the officer lets you fall, only giving you enough time to get to your hands and knees before his boot slams into your stomach knocking you onto your side.

Finally, when you roll over onto your back you get a clear look at him. He looks like your average FEDRA officer, the only thing out of place is the unsure look on his face. Your ears are ringing so you barely make out what he says, all you catch is something about thinking you were someone else, before he turns and leaves as if it never happened.

Leaving you alone to clutch your stomach and wonder what just happened, and what you did to deserve that.

You’d never heard of random attacks from FEDRA before. Maybe in other zones, but the city has always been calm as far as that goes. Maybe things really did get worse while your leg was healing.

Joel was right.

That’s all you can think about as you stumble to get to your feet, everything hurts but now is not the time to assess your wounds, you need to get home before something else happens. You manage to hobble up the stairs of the building, nearly collapsing by the time you opened the door.

You feel so stupid.

Joel was right.

It isn’t safe out there, at least not for you. No one fucks with Joel, no one attacks him on the street because they’re afraid of him. No ones afraid of you.

It’s a long couple of hours after that.

Mostly a lot of berating yourself as you try to take in the extent of the damage.

Surprisingly it seems to mostly be surface level. Sure, you’re going to bruise pretty bad and your face got scraped up on the stones but nothing permanent seems to have been inflicted.

Once you’ve showered and slipped into an old shirt of his and a pair of panties you climb into bed, wanting this day to just be over, but you know it isn’t. Right on schedule you hear the lock click as Joel steps through the front door, you hide your face in your pillow.

“What are you still doin’ up? It’s almost midnight.” His voice is a low whisper as you hear the familiar sounds of him kicking off his boots and setting down his things. You hear the outer layer of his clothing hit the floor, you told him a while ago you thought it was gross that he slept in the clothes he wore all day. He started sleeping in his undershirt and boxers after that. “You okay, Darlin’?” The bed shifts as he sits beside you and the second you turn and look at him his jaw twitches. “Christ… what the hell happened? Who did this to you?” He’s managing to stay mostly calm but you’re already worried he’s going to blow.

“It’s nothing, I just had an issue with an officer on my way-“

“This is not nothing.” He’s already fussing with your face as you take his hands and move them away from you.

“Joel-“

“Tell me what happened.” It’s a command and you’re too tired to fabricate something, and for the first time in a while, you’re afraid.

So you tell him exactly how it happened. And before you realize it’s happening you’re sniffling, a part of you feels like you’re about to be scolded for this but he only nods, never interrupting you until you’ve finished.

Your vision’s blurry with tears when you look up at him, the weight of being attacked starts to weigh heavy as you realize just how lucky you were that that was all that happened. And then you say the words he’s been waiting to hear.

“You were right, Joel.”

“I’m sorry, angel. I should have been there to protect you.” He holds his arms open and you don’t hesitate as you lean forward into him. You do your best to hold it together as he lays you down before clicking off the lamp and pulling you back against him. He softly scratches your back, kissing the top of your head as he does. It’s silent for a few more minutes until he suddenly whispers into the darkness. “Tell me you’ll stay here from now on.”

“Joel, I-“

“No more going out there without me. You’ll stay safe right here, no one can hurt you here, not while I’m around.” You open your mouth to argue again but stop yourself.

He’s right.

Now that you’ve calmed down you know that you’re lucky to even be alive. You don’t know why you were attacked but you know it could happen again, and there are worse things than being beaten.

No one would hurt you here, not with Joel around.

“Stay here, angel.” He murmurs, softer this time.

Joel is right.

“Okay.”

He isn’t beside you when you wake up, your hands searching through the cold sheets seeking his warmth. He had mentioned something as you were falling asleep about an early morning supply run but you had hoped to say goodbye before he left, you wanted to make him breakfast. As you get ready to roll back over and sleep a bit more you’re startled into an upright position.

“You should watch where you’re flying, angel.” You bite back a shriek as Tess’s voice comes from the direction of the kitchen.

“Christ, you scared the hell out of me!” Your heart skips a beat as you reach over to the nightstand, pulling on the little chain that turns the lamp on. “Joel’s not even here, what are you doing?” You don’t like the idea of being alone with her, she doesn’t come around much anymore, you used to see her in the hall on her way here constantly, but after you moved in she stopped.

You do your best not to flinch as she makes her way over to you, standing at the foot of the bed.

“I’m not here to hurt you, there’s no need for theatrics.” You hadn’t realized you were shaking so badly until she said it, it takes a conscious effort but you manage to stop it for the most part. “I’m just here to talk.”

“About what?”

“About you and Joel.”

You don’t want to talk about that with Tess. You don’t want to talk to Tess at all, she frightens you and she knows it.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid.” This time when you flinch she hesitates. For a brief moment the facade of a woman who fears nothing drops, and you swear you see sympathy in her eyes. “Joel is dangerous, you need to be careful with him or you’re going to get hurt.”

Is that why she’s here? To try and break you up?

“He won’t hurt me, he cares about me.” You wish you sounded more sure of yourself.

“You’re right, at least for now.” She flips her pocket knife open, ever so carefully running the blade along the underside of her nails, scraping away any dirt or grime she so happens to find, you fight the urge to flinch again. When she finally looks back up at you she takes a moment, examining your expression as if this was an interrogation. “Being loved by him is the worst thing that could possibly happen to a girl like you.”

You can’t help but scoff, now look who’s being theatrical. “A girl like me?”

“Good, too good. And fragile.” She points at you with the blade before returning to her nails. “He’ll do anything to keep you safe, even if it means breaking you into tiny little pieces, just so you’ll fit in a box he can lock.”

You’re about to call her a liar but you hesitate. “Why are you telling me this?”

“You deserve to know.”

“Okay, but why? You don’t even like me.”

“You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t like you.”

Fair enough.

“I think you should go.” You don’t want to hear anything else. You don’t believe anything she’s saying and the entire conversation makes you feel sick. She doesn’t know anything about your relationship with him, and she clearly doesn’t know anything about Joel. He’d do anything for you, you don’t think you’ve ever been taken care of before you met him.

“What do you know about glue traps?” She doesn’t make any effort to leave so you decide to just answer her with a sigh.

“Like the ones you use to catch mice? I don’t know, Joel buys them sometimes.”

She points her knife in the direction of the corner of the room, it takes a moment for your eyes to adjust. Sure enough, in the corner of the room, peeking out from under his dresser, is the faint outline of something on the floor, you’d never noticed it before.

“It’s the worst kind of way to catch a mouse.” She stands, walking across the room and peeling up the trap with the edge of her blade before snapping it shut and taking the edge of the trap between her fingers, dragging it across the floor to the middle of the room so you had a clear view of it. “They’ll do anything to get out.” The tip of her boot nudges the corner of the trap, now that it’s been dragged into the lamp light you can see exactly what she wanted to show you. Two things are in the bloody trap. A mouse, barely alive, based on the way its chest rises and falls, and something else. A caterpillar maybe?

No.

A leg. A bloody mouse leg, on the edge of the trap.

“They’ll chew off their limbs, and peel off their own skin just to get out, the ones that manage to are lucky enough to bleed out somewhere else. The ones stuck in the trap though?” She nods down at the creature you now refuse to look at. “They’ve got it the worst. Suffocation, dehydration, the ones who try to peel off and can’t, bleed out, stuck in place.”

With a sudden crunch, her boot slams down on the trap. You watch, slack jawed, as she peels it off the sole before tossing it in the bin in the corner.

“I’d take a quick death over either of those.”

“I think you should leave. Now.” You try to sound authoritative but your voice trembles too much to sound anything but afraid.

“I heard you got caught up in some FEDRA business yesterday.” She starts again but you’ve had enough.

“Tess.” You manage to have a bit of sterness this time in your tone but it doesn’t seem to affect her much.

“Fine. I’ll leave. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” You catch that sympathetic look one more time before she unlocks the door chain, twisting the doorknob before speaking one last time. “I noticed some of our inventory is missing, this is the only warning you’re gonna get about that. If you want shit like that just ask, I’m sure Joel would be more than happy to have another way to control you.” She doesn’t turn around when she says it, simply slamming the door and leaving. You have no clue what she’s talking about, but that isn’t the part of the conversation that sticks with you. All you can think about is that crunching sound.

So you avoided her after that, writing off her words as an act of jealousy.

Joel would never do anything to hurt you.

Of course you know better now. She was just like you, she had been in the glue trap herself when she tried to keep you from joining her, but you hadn’t listened, instead you’d fallen face first into Joel. And he wouldn't let you go without keeping some of you for himself.

i don't have a taglist anymore !! follow @lincolndjarinnotifs for updates on all fics !!

#lincolndjarin #fic : every now and then #joel miller x you #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel miller x reader #joel miller smut #tlou joel #joel tlou #joel the last of us #pedro pascal #pedro pascal fic #tlou fic #joel x reader #the last of us fic #tlou fanfiction #the last of us fanfiction

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zanderlisle · 5 months

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Because I struggled to find information on the Sudanese genocide, here's a collection of info I've found, complete with sources and ways to help.

Note: Most of these stats are coming from October of 2023, and numbers have climbed since. Content warning for genocide, war crimes, sexual violence, and more. Please correct me on anything you notice is incorrect.

In April of 2023, the Rapid Support Forces attacked Sudanese Armed Forces bases across Sudan. including the Sudanese capital Khartoum with a population of 6,344,348. While this was initially described as a war between the RSF & SAF, it quickly became a matter that murdered, injured, & displaced millions of civilians. The most notable of the casualties - actress Asia Abdelmajid, singer Shaden Gardood, and former football player Fozi el-Mardi with his daughter Alaa. el-Mardi's wife. Zeinat Ahmed Othman was also wounded by a bullet.

There have been over 9,000 deaths, 12,000 injuries, and 5.4M displacements. There have been a total of 55 foreign deaths from the countries of Ethiopia (15), Syria (15), Congo (10), Eritrea (9), Egypt (2), The USA (2), India (1), and Turkey (1). Journalists and humanitarian workers have been injured, killed, and/or detained.

As of July, there have been 88 reports of sexual assault against women in Sudan blamed on the RSF. Activist Hala al-Karib stated that war rape had become an everyday occurrence with both fighting parties participating.

Over 1.3M people have fled Sudan as refugees. "The UN Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs said that 1,200 children had died from disease outbreaks in refugee camps in White Nile State since May. In Central Darfur, the head of the Hamidiya refugee camp said at least 43 children had died in the camp since July. UNICEF also estimated that the conflict had led to the number of children being out of school in Sudan to rise from seven million prior to the fighting to 19 million in October 2023." - War in Sudan 2023 Wikipedia

An imminent epidemic of cholera and a collapse of the healthcare system - How to help: donate to SAPA at https://sapa-usa.org

Women are at risk of sexual violence (especially in areas like Darfur) - The Darfur Women Action Group has a donation link AND sample emails to send to your officials They also accept volunteers with media experience

Menstruation doesn’t stop due to war. - Donate to provide Sudanese girls and women with menstrual products

Another IMPORTANT organization currently providing direct medical care in a few states including Khartoum

will hopefully update with more reliable links or resources Also check

@Hometaxsd on Twitter (X) and eyesonsudan.net for other reliable donation sites

https://bbc.com/news/world-africa-65284945…

https://bbc.com/news/world-africa-65467934…

https://bbc.com/news/world-africa-65585746…

https://apnews.com/article/sudan-war-military-rsf-conflict-khartoum-f12975eb72c830ed86ed6a7a49e9658d…

https://dabangasudan.org/en/all-news/article/violations-against-journalists-in-sudan-war…

https://reliefweb.int/report/sudan/dtm-sudan-monthly-displacement-overview-october-2023…

https://english.aawsat.com/home/article/4296896/diplomat-says-15-syrians-killed-amid-clashes-sudan…

https://theguardian.com/world/2023/may/07/eritrea-accused-of-forcibly-repatriating-civilians-caught-up-in-sudan-fighting…

https://abcnews.go.com/US/2nd-american-dies-amid-violence-sudan-state-department/story?id=98877370

dabangasudan.org/en/all-news/article/more-than-40-children-die-in-central-darfur-camps-as-fighting-escalates…

https://dabangasudan.org/en/all-news/article/19-million-children-in-sudan-are-out-of-school-says-unicef

https://www.aa.com.tr/en/africa/turkish-toddler-killed-in-ongoing-clashes-in-sudan/2875179

bnnbreaking.com/breaking-news/egyptian-doctors-killed-in-sudan-conflict-buried-in-backyard/…

https://bbc.com/news/world-africa-65821597…

https://africanews.com/2023/09/19/un-raises-alarm-over-child-deaths-in-sudan-as-health-crisis-deepens/…

https://aljazeera.com/news/2023/7/2/fighting-reignites-between-sudan-army-rsf-in-khartoum

The linked source is a more detailed Twitter thread of Sudan's timeline starting in December 2018 by Kandakat_alhaqq.

#stop the genocide #sudan #free sudan #sudan genocide #sudan war #sudanese #eyes on sudan #sudan crisis #darfur

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morallyinept · 2 months

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A full character analysis on JOEL MILLER from the TV show THE LAST OF US.

I've created this as a point of reference when writing for Pedro's characters, and I hope you find it useful. Even if you just want to learn more about the character. 🖤

FULL MASTERLIST OF PEDRO'S CHARACTERS ANALYSED

FULL CHARACTER STUDY:

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2/THE GAME!

Basic Details:

☝️This character study focuses primarily on TV series Joel, but draws on some comparisons from the game version of Joel.

*I made a previous error with regards to Outbreak Day in the game & Joel's age - so this version is now correct.

Full Name: Joel Miller

Nickname(s): None mentioned

Appears in: The Last Of Us, 2023 (first appearance on screen in episode 1, season 1, seen at approx. 04:56)

Age (if known): Joel is seen in the TV series at both the ages of 36 (Outbreak Day happens on his 36th birthday) and we catch up with him 20 years after Outbreak Day at the age of 56, where he's based in the Boston QZ

Sexuality: Straight - Joel has a 14 year-old daughter, Sarah, from a previous relationship with her mother, however it's not confirmed if he was married to her mother or not in the TV show. It's implied that Joel is in some kind of relationship with Tess Servopoulos, although never actually confirmed.

Nationality: American. Joel is from Texas originally

Family: 1 daughter, Sarah. 1 younger brother, Tommy. No other family mentioned.

Spouse/Partner: Joel appears to be currently single at the age of 36, and in a potential relationship of some kind with Tess Servopoulos (before she dies) at age 56

Relationship Status: Currently single

Current Living Status: Deceased - In the video game's sequel, The Last of Us Part II, Joel is shockingly murdered in the first act of the game by Abby, the daughter of the Firefly surgeon Joel killed in order to let Ellie live. Joel is killed by Abby after she beats him to death with a golf club. As of creating this character analysis, it is yet to be determined if Joel will be killed off in Season 2 of the TV series.

Languages Spoken: English

Education: It would be prudent to assume that Joel would have attended high school as a minimum based on his intelligence and skills etc... In the game, it mentions he was unable to attend college due to having Sarah at such a young age, however in the TV series he is older when he had her, so therefore could have attended college/further education, although it is never confirmed.

Occupation:

Job Role/Title: Before the Outbreak, Joel was a contractor in the construction/carpentry industry

Special Skill(s): Building and fixing things, hunting, use of guns and ammo, smuggler, survivalist skills

Notable Colleague(s): Ellie, Tommy, Tess

Distinguishing Features:

Tattoo(s): None

Piercings: None

Scar(s): Scar on his right side temple due to a failed suicide attempt when Joel tried to shoot himself after Sarah's death. Joel also suffers a bullet graze on the left side of his abdomen/hip, in episode one where the soldier shoots at him and Sarah. This scar is later seen briefly in the scene where Ellie stitches him up after he is stabbed by David's men, from which he is also left with a scar.

Other Markings: Joel has a scratch/gash on the right side of his face in episode two, and throughout the series he sustains several other minor injuries resulting in temporary abrasions, cuts, bruises etc... Also has a gash on the left side of his neck in episode 8/9.

Prominent Feature(s): Greying curled hair, facial scruff also greying

Injuries: Several. Joel hairline fractures his right hand after punching out the FEDRA guard - he punches him 15 times in the face/skull. Joel is pistol-whipped with a rifle in the back of his head in episode 9, knocking him out and suffering a concussion. Joel is scarred from a failed suicide attempt on his temple, has scars on his stomach/abdomen from being shot at and stabbed. Joel suffers several cuts/abrasions and bruises from general surviving and fighting. Joel also appears to have bad knees when he's older, and walks with a limped gait.

Eye Colour: Brown

Hair Colour: Brown/greying

The scar on the side of Joel's right temple above his eye, from where he tried to shoot himself:

Personality:

Traits: Brave, protective, strong

Joel speaks with a prominent Texan accent. In the show it appears he's living in or just outside of Travis County, Austin, Texas.

In the game, Joel was born on 26th September, 1981 in Arlington, Texas. In the TV series however, Joel would have been born on 26th September, 1967.

The majority of the game play is set 20 years after the opening scene. Which means Joel is 32 when Sarah is alive. Sarah is 12 in the game before she dies, so that means Joel was a father at age 20 in the game. In the TV series however, Sarah is 14 at the time of her death and Joel is 36, meaning he would have had her at the age of 21/22. In the game, Joel was born in 1981 and Outbreak Day happens in 2013, meaning Joel is 32 in the game, and not 36 like in the show, on Outbreak Day. As Joel is 36 in 2003 in the TV show on Outbreak Day, it means he would have been born in 1967, counting backwards from 2003 by 36 years.

The time on Joel's watch in the TV series when it stops, after the bullet ricochets off his watch and hits Sarah, reads on or around 02:40AM. (Sarah woke up at 11:03pm, and between that and the time of her death a few hours would have passed with them trying to escape etc...)

It is implied that Joel and Tess are in a relationship to some extent in the TV series, although it's never actually confirmed romantically between them. Joel explains to Ellie they met when they were in a group together, and are smugglers when we meet them in the show. They are seen living together in an apartment in the Boston QZ and sharing the same bed. Tess also states that she never asked Joel to feel the same way she did, before she dies, implying some possible unrequited love there.

Joel is a self-employed contractor in the construction trade before Outbreak Day. He and his brother Tommy appear to work together and drive to the site together in Tommy's truck.

In the game, Joel is murdered by Abby in revenge for killing her father, who turned out to be the surgeon who was going to operate on Ellie to find a cure. She brutally beats him to death with a golf club. It is yet to be determined whether the TV series will follow this same story arc for Joel and kill his character off, or if they will re-work another story arc for him. For now, it is widely assumed/speculated Joel will die at some point in the TV series too.

In the TV series, Joel is hard of hearing in his right ear, however in the game, Joel's hearing is completely fine. Joel attributes his hearing loss to gunshots, but later explains to Ellie he tried to take his life after Sarah died, so it's also presumed that doing that possibly affected his hearing.

It's not confirmed if Sarah's mother and Joel were married in the TV series, or why she left, and nor do we learn the name of Sarah's mother. In the game however, Joel mentions he was briefly married to Sarah's mother.

In the TV series, Joel is much more of a softer character than in the game. Craig Mazin stated that they wanted Joel to appear more "frail" which would coincide with a real life 56 year-old who "can't crouch for more than three minutes otherwise their back would give out." In the TV series Joel is seen to suffer with panic attacks indicating he feels much more emotion than the game version of Joel, who is more hardened.

Joel reveals to Ellie he would have liked to have been a singer and can play the guitar. Although in season 1 we don't hear or see Joel singing or playing guitar. Joel has an acoustic guitar poster on his wall in his bedroom on the TV series.

The time shown stopped on Joel's watch in the TV Series:

Fashion/Outfits:

Outfit 1 - (Opening scene) Black round neck t-shirt, denim jeans

Outfits - (Remainder of series) - Joel's overall look consists mostly of plaid shirts and denim looking shirts, worn-in denim jeans and boots, that are all in various stages of wear and tear. He is seen duct taping his boots together. He sports various jackets and coats throughout the seasons, weather dependent.

Joel's green plaid shirt is actually Frank's/worn by Frank before Joel even meets Bill and Frank when he's younger with Tess. Later after their deaths, Joel showers and dresses in a clean shirt, which is the green plaid shirt that Joel is synonymous for wearing. He is dressed very similarly to Frank, even wearing similar jeans, boots, just like Frank did.

Joel has a red backpack when he is younger with Tess. Then later, he has a brown one which he then leaves behind during the attack in Kansas City. When Henry dies, Joel takes Henry's backpack as his own which is a lighter sandy brown colour.

Accessories: Watch on left wrist, brown/sand coloured backpack, rifle sling with holster

Weapons Used:

Weapon(s): (Exact weapons pictured below)

Joel's primary weapon is a pistol. A Taurus Model 66 with blue finished 4-inch barrel and rubber grip. This is the same pistol that Joel uses in the game too. He keeps it hidden under the floorboards of his apartment in the Boston QZ until needed.

Joel uses a variety of guns in the TV series, mostly those that he finds or takes from others, including a Beretta M92FS, Colt M4A1 Carbine rifle, Remington 700 BDL rifle and a Rugler mini-14.

Joel also uses switchblades and knives too.

Joel uses a piece of metal piping to bash in the head one of David's men when looking for Ellie.

Modes of Transport:

Vehicle(s):

In the TV series, we don't actually see Joel drive, or potentially own, a vehicle of his own. He rides in Tommy's pickup truck, which is a 2001 Chevrolet Silverado 1500HD Crew Cab. He is seen as a passenger in it when leaving for work in the morning, and later when he, Sarah and Tommy try to flee the city.

Joel drives various vehicles in the series, including a 2004 Dodge Durango, the car he uses to take Ellie from the hospital in episode 9. And most notably, Bill's blue and white 2001 Chevrolet S-10 for which Bill leaves the keys for Joel in episode 3.

Dialogue:

🗨 See Joel's full dialogue from the show, including deleted scenes.

Further Character Links (if any):

Joel Miller Game Version Wiki Page, Joel Miller TV Series Version Wiki Page, Making of The Last Of Us - BTS

Samples of Joel's wardrobe via styleofpascal IG

FULL MASTERLIST OF PEDRO'S CHARACTERS ANALYSED

#joel miller #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #joel miller tlou #joel miller character analysis #pedro pascal character database #joel miller the last of us #joel miller character study

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anonagon9 · 2 months

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TVT Adminpocalypse

TW: transphobia, acephobia, bullying, suicide

Hey, for those of you not aware, TV Tropes has gotten very bad in the last six or so months. I'll do my best to give a short summary.

2022: Fighteer, a mod notorious for using his post to bully others, takes a self-imposed leave after several users call him out on this pattern of behavior. Due to user backlash at general moderator behavior, a mod code of conduct was established. While self-enforced, the moderator discussion thread existed, in part, to discuss future incidents.

September 2023: User AgProv is suspended for calling Dylan Mulvaney a man. In his appeal, he tries to get around the issue by using they/them pronouns. Though Mulvaney uses both she/her and they/them, as this appeal was clearly done in bad faith, AgProv had been bounced from the site. A few hours later, however, Kory, a site programmer, unilaterally overrides the bounce on behalf of otherwise non-present site owners, citing he was a productive user with several edits. When called out on this, Kory doubled down, using thumps and suspensions to shut down conversation. Notably, AgProv was later suspended for messy editing, but to this day has not needed to appeal his transphobia suspension through the typical process.

youtube

Later that month: Fighteer is asked back by the admins, citing a need for manpower. Fighteer's "apology" amounts to being burnt out and justifying his meanness as being an "equal opportunity" bad cop. He promises to step back from areas of the site where he'd been an issue previously. This does not last. By the end of this one-two punch, the moderator discussion thread is reworked into a narrow policy clarification thread with issues of misconduct being exclusively handled by emailing the admins.

Past seven days: Fighteer makes a post in the social media thread stating that people threatening suicide over a possible TikTok ban should just do it. In another post, he considered this an act of terrorism. These post were thumps, but no other visible disciplinary action was taken. This is despite the US Politics thread being closed for celebrating the death of Henry Kissinger. Again, attempts at discussion were swiftly shut down. Notably, Kory all but stated that Fighteer, despite all the issues, was worth having as a mod.

So for anyone reading, consider spreading the word. While that alone won't fix the underlying problem of private tech companies pushing for content at the expense of user experience, if enough people, and especially, advertisers, catch wind of this, it may create enough of a PR disaster where the administrators will change course rather than quintuple down. For anyone who, understandably, does not wish to do that, then please, if you haven't already, get an ad blocker and make sure it's on for that site.

Thanks!

#tv tropes #tvt adminpocalypse #trans #transgender #enshittification #asexual #asexuality #Youtube

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thegrapeandthefig · 8 months

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Hades & Persephone worshippers: Research boost

[I'm sharing this call for survey participant with permission.]

Transcript

Are you a Hellenic polytheist who worships Persephone and/or Hades? If so, I’d like to invite you to participate in a research project that will look at how Hellenic Polytheists engage with ancient evidence. Participation will be via an online survey that will take 15-30 minutes and include a series of questions about your interests and your religious practice and ask you to undertake three interpretation tasks. Participation in voluntary, and you can contact me for more information at ellie.mackinroberts(@)bristol.ac.uk. Link: https://arts.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/dread-persephone-and-lord-hades Why am I doing this study? I’m doing this study to try and understand how modern Hellenic Polytheists interpret and engage with ancient source material, and how their understanding of the ancient contexts adds to this interpretation. My hope is to draw some conclusions about how professional ancient historians may be able to assist in the informed research of Hellenic polytheists.

Further context

Dr Ellie Mackin Roberts has been active in academia for a while and some of you may know some of her work, the most notable and recent of which being Underworld Gods in Ancient Greek Religion: Death and Reciprocity, which was her PhD thesis. Others may also know her since she is active on TikTok.

If you are looking for information as to the context of this particular survey and how the information will be used, you can find some info on the survey itself: https://arts.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/dread-persephone-and-lord-hades as well as on her blogpost https://elliemackinroberts.net/2023/08/30/my-first-survey/ but the TL;DR is that she is currently writing a chapter for an upcoming book titled Persephone in Love: Persephone and Hades in Popular Culture in which she intends to study how modern worshippers of Persephone and Hades approach ancient sources.

@micromeria you might already know about this, but thought I'd tag you in case this wasn't the case.

#hades deity #hades worship #persephone deity #persephone worship #hellenic pagan #hellenic polytheism #hellenic deities #hellenic gods #hellenic polythiest #theoi #theoi worship #hellenic paganism #helpol #hellenic pantheon #hellenic worship #research #chthonic gods

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probablyasocialecologist · 3 months

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Much is often made by people living now of how silly it was that medieval people didn’t manage to figure out that the Black Death was caused by the bacteria yersinia pestis. This is despite the fact that there were several often quite complex and intelligent suggestions of what might, in fact, be causing the plague. One of the most wide-spread explanations was probably miasma theory, which had been rather in vogue since your boy Galen had written about it back in the second century. Medieval people, of course, were mad for Galen, so it’s no surprise that they were quick to nod toward his theories in the midst of the plague. The Bishop Bengt Knutsson in Sweden remarked that bad air might cause plague, “as when we see a privy next to a chamber or any other particular thing which corrupts the air in substance and quality, which is a thing which may happen every day. … Sometimes it comes of dead carrion or the corruption of standing waters in ditches or in sloughs or other corrupt places, and these things are sometimes universal and sometimes particular.” Others in the German lands said that following an earthquake, a “corrupt and poisonous earthy exhalation [was released and]… infected the air in various parts of the world which when breathed in by people suffocated them and suddenly snuffed them out”. Others, like a physician in Montpellier, were even able to see that the plague had become air born, noting that “the air breathed out by the sick and inhaled by the healthy people round about wounds and kills them, and that this occurs particularly when the sick are on the point of death.” This isn’t a million miles off of actual factual germ theory, in that we do get sick from inhaling gross stuff, and from being around other sick people. It’s just that what makes us sick is usually odorless and also a tiny living organism that we can’t see. Interestingly a form of miasma theory being used to explain the prevalence of the Black Death also lives on and is repeated now in myths about the medieval period. I have repeatedly heard people now refer to the fact that “medieval streets were full of shit” to explain the spread of the Black Death. This is interesting because it is 1) not true – most medieval cities tightly regulated the disposal of human waste very strenuously and 2) would be irrelevant anyway even if it were true (it’s not) because that’s not how yersinia pestis travels. It needs to be introduced either through the skin via flea bites, or via inhalation because it has been breathed at someone – much as COVID is spread. So, shit in the streets (which again, I cannot stress enough, was not a thing) would just be gross – not an active way of spreading plague.

#medieval history #disease #conspiracy theories #black death #antisemitism

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indigovigilance · 7 months

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Sodom and Gomorrah: A Speculative Meta

on Ao3: Sodom and Gomorrah: A Speculative Meta

Sodom and Gomorrah is the story of a land so steeped in sin that many prayed to God for intercession, and God sent two angels to see for themselves if the rumors were true, and determine based on their testimony whether the cities should be destroyed.

In Season 1, we learn that Sandolphon was there, doing a lot of smiting and turning people into salt. The way that Aziraphale talks about it, we are led to believe that he was there too, bearing unhappy witness to the destruction, his plastered-on smile faltering as his vision fades into the middle distance:

In this meta I am taking an alternate stance to the wonderfully presented interpretation by @queerfables in my speculation of what happened in Sodom and its relevance to the GO story arc overall, if canonized. I hope that readers will consider the merits of both arguments in their own formulations of Aziraphale and Heaven in the GO universe.

TW: discussions of homophobia, sexual assault, death & destruction

Verses are taken from this translation of Genesis, chapters 18 and 19.

Genesis 18

20 Then the Lord said, “The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous

21 that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know.”

(Notably, the allegations made against Sodom and Gomorrah are never discussed. It is simply left at “sin so grievous.” Though it seems like there may be more information in Genesis 12)

But God herself did not go down to Sodom, instead sending two angels. I, like queerfables, read this and quickly came to the conclusion that for GO narrative purposes, the two angels that God sent to Sodom were Aziraphale and Sandolphon, where the former is playing tour guide to the latter, who has the real authority in the situation.

Upon arrival, the angels are met by Lot; he invites them to stay with him. At first they refuse, saying they will stay in the square, but he insists.

Genesis 19

4 Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house.

5 They called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we may know [have sex with] them.”

There is a lot of baggage to unpack from these two lines, especially in the 2023 context of politics in the Western hemisphere. Same-sex marriage is nearly ubiquitous, a near turnaround from only twenty years ago, but so is homophobic rhetoric, and the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is cited a lot for those purposes. Intersectional communities of faith have done a lot of work to try to reinterpret these two verses, insisting that what God finds so abhorrent about the actions of the men of Sodom is not that they are homosexual but rather that they are attempting to gang-rape two newly arrived strangers in their city.

For the real world, this is a very important discussion and a solid position to maintain, if one wishes to defend the concept of a benevolent God who made homosexual, bisexual, transgender, and every other flavor of human as lovingly and intentionally as was made every cisgender heterosexual person.

But we’re not talking about real-world God. We’re talking about the God in Good Omens. And She is not a very nice person.

We have only to look at the contract that would allow the murder and then replacement of Job’s children, or the abject poverty under which Elspeth suffers that forces her to commit [apparent] atrocities, and ultimately drive her to attempt suicide. Whatever your feelings may be about the God of our shared meatspace, the God of Good Omens is not a character we are meant to admire, sympathize with, or make excuses for.

Returning to Sodom in the Good Omens universe.

I propose that it is thematically in keeping that the men of Sodom were not attempting to commit gangrape, but rather, they saw Sandolphon and fell in love on the spot. Because yes, Aziraphale is a fine scholarly-looking fellow, but it’s approximately 2000 B.C., the Bronze Age. Sodom and Gomorrah are most likely agrarian societies, and Sandolphon looks like he could throw a bale of hay like a javelin. He’s a whole lot of man, and the men of Sodom are into it. I mean, c'mon, Paul Chahidi in some biblical garb, is, uhh...

...not an eyesore, iykwim. [image source: imdb.com]

So they go to Lot’s house and ask if they can see this man, in hopes that they can ask him on a date. They are smitten by Sandolphon. Sure, the ultimate goal may be to have sex with them, but not right there on Lot’s doorstep, and the gross misquoting can be attributed to Sandolphon’s own libelous report of events, not to the Sodomites themselves. History is written by the victors, after all.

While we’re at it, let’s consider Lot’s response:

Genesis 19

6 Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him

7 and said, “No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing.

8 Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.”

In the true spirit of Good Omens comedy, I can envision Lot walking out among these men, complaining that not one of them has asked permission to court or marry either of his daughters of maritable age, and perhaps rather than simping for his houseguest, perhaps they would consider dating one of them instead. Is it homophobic? Sure, but I’m not here to defend Lot; he doesn’t need it. Because standing next to Sandolphon, he’s an absolute poppet.

(The remaining stanzas regarding the Sodomites breaking into Lot’s house, I am going to selectively set aside and chalk that up to Sandolphon blowing some Sodomite choice statements about Lot being a homophobic asshole way out of proportion.)

Sandolphon, a True Believer, is not about to stand for this insult to his heavenly purity. Angels do not have relations with humans, and to insinuate that he would even consider it is blasphemy. He takes it as a personal insult that the Sodomites would propose such a thing. He finds this to be evidence enough that the Sodomites are truly corrupt and worthy of destruction.

I feel the need to emphasize here that while this contains some distinctly queer themes, Sandolphon is not angry because they are men; he is angry because they are human, a different species from himself (in the same way that angels are different species from demons), and furthermore that anything resembling love the way humans do it is disgusting and vile to him.

Aziraphale, meanwhile, is standing helplessly on the sidelines, desperately trying and failing to de-escalate the situation. But it’s no use, Sandolphon has already made up his mind. There’s nothing left for Aziraphale to do but to try to save as many people as he can, beginning with Lot and his family.

Genesis 19

12 The two [angels] said to Lot, “Do you have anyone else here—sons-in-law, sons or daughters, or anyone else in the city who belongs to you? Get them out of here,

13 because we are going to destroy this place. The outcry to the Lord against its people is so great that he has sent us to destroy it.”

Again, in the fashion that GO takes liberty with biblical narrative, I propose that it is Aziraphale alone who warns Lot that Sandolphon will destroy Sodom come sunrise, and sends him out into the night to gather his family and get them out as quickly as possible. I propose, additionally, that Aziraphale is the one who leads Lot and his daughters by the hand out of Sodom and then protects the village of Zoar from destruction so that they can take shelter there.

Genesis 19:

15 With the coming of dawn, the angels urged Lot, saying, “Hurry! Take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away when the city is punished.”

16 When he hesitated, the [angels] grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the Lord was merciful to them.

17 As soon as they had brought them out, one of them said, “Flee for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!”

18 But Lot said to them, “No, my lords,[or singular, lord] please!

19 Your[singular] servant has found favor in your[singular] eyes, and you[singular] have shown great kindness to me in sparing my life. But I can’t flee to the mountains; this disaster will overtake me, and I’ll die.

20 Look, here is a town near enough to run to, and it is small. Let me flee to it—it is very small, isn’t it? Then my life will be spared.”

21 He said to him, “Very well, I will grant this request too; I will not overthrow the town you speak of.

22 But flee there quickly, because I cannot do anything until you reach it.” (That is why the town was called Zoar.[“small”])

While yes, this is a fictional interpretation of a biblical scripture, let’s take something from the fact that Lot is supposed to be addressing two angels, but the pronouns he uses to do so are all singular in the original Hebrew: that is to say, it seems like he is only talking to one angel. So in the victor-edited retrospective, the story is written to seem like two angels were rescuing him, but from the faithfully quoted words of his own mouth, it was only one. It seems like Sandolphon tried to write himself in as one of the good guys but couldn't bring himself to actually change the words that were coming from Lot's mouth. (Again, this is unnecessary work to do for the biblical narrative to be molded to a GO narrative, but it is an interesting feature of the original text nonetheless.)

At sunrise, the destruction begins:

Genesis 19

23 By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land.

24 Then the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah—from the Lord out of the heavens.

25 Thus [S]he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land.

26 But Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

So goes the story of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah: The cities are slandered before God, who sends Aziraphale and Sandolphon to investigate; Sandolphon is so incensed by human men flirting with him that he determines that the city shall be destroyed in the morning, and Aziraphale races against the clock to save as many as he can, knowing that he cannot save everyone. He bears witness as the men who resemble himself so much, who committed no greater crime than to seek out a forbidden love, perish in a rain of fire and brimstone. He must feign heavenly delight that a sinful blight was erased from the world, while mourning thousands of lost souls. He wonders if they have been sent to Hell. Even Lot’s wife, whose only crime was to question, to wonder what is behind her and perhaps regret leaving it behind, is turned to salt. He sees the vicious glee of Sandolphon exacting his revenge for the crime of impugning his celestial celibacy. He wonders what Sandolphon would do to him if he ever found out about the stirrings in his heart for a demon who, 500 years prior, had sat beside him on a rock, looking out over sea, comforting him as he nursed his wounded faith. He wonders just how far along with Heaven he can go, and what the consequences will be when he dares to say, “I will go no further.”

~~~

[image source: Wessex Archaeology]

For those who (like me) are interested, the story of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah seems to have been merged from two historical events, which was common in a period preserved primarily by oral history. The tale seems to resemble a volcanic event that occurred nearby and around that time, but Sodom and Gomorrah were most likely destroyed by an earthquake and a subsequent flood, since they were located in the Jordan Plain, the lowest dry land in the world, a full quarter of a mile below sea level at its lowest, and very near the Dead Sea. Additionally, the area is rich in bitumen, sulfur-rich near-surface petroleum deposits that, when disturbed by a major earthquake, may have sent hot tar flying into the air, which if it landed on anything flammable would give the impression that fire and brimstone were raining down.

✨ the more you know ✨

~~~

Blending together the biblical canon and archaeological speculation, I'm going to make a wild, unsubstantiated proposal that Crowley turns the people of Sodom into fish so that they survive the flood. Because one biblical flood was enough, and he'd heard around the water cooler that She had promised not to do that again (lying liar). This creates a tentative connection with the raining fish we see in the title credits of both seasons, and I'm also going to reference it in an upcoming meta.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens meta #aziraphale #sandolphon #sodom and gomorrah #ivoc #textpost #long post

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gaynglican · 5 months

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I think we (Queer Christians) should bring back the Feast of Fools! Here's my pitch:

Medieval Christians celebrated the days following Christmas with societal inversion. If God became a vulnerable child born into poverty, then the best celebration should invert the social order: master and servant, clergy and laity, man and woman. The Feast of Fools–held on January 1st–was the most notable celebration of cosmic inversion. Developed in the late 12th and early 13th centuries, the tradition of the feasts continued until the 16th century. (1)

The festival is popularly misunderstood as a celebration of sacrilege, a result of its apparent burlesque of religion. Yet, the festival’s role reversals were prescribed by clergy, and the "fools" represented those chosen by God for their lowly status. From surviving 13th century manuscripts–notably, the Play of Daniel from Beauvais Cathedral and the Office of Joseph from Laon Cathedral–it is clear that some Catholic Churches in France sanctioned cross-dressing for liturgical purposes. (2) In fact, the Feast of Fools is remarkable for being sanctified rather than sacrilegious.

Many anthropologists of religion have argued that “sacred play,” or “ludic ritual,” is central to how religious behaviors function. (3) Although play may seem counterintuitive to religion, absurdity and holiness often go together, especially considering the role reversals and revelry of the Feast of Fools.

Literary critic Mikhail Bakhtin made a similar argument about the “carnivalesque.” (4) When absurdity is celebrated in religion–when a society’s usual rules are suspended–observant revelers can stretch the boundaries of their identities or reverse their social roles. Men become women; laity become clergy; God becomes a helpless infant; death becomes life. It is on the strength of the absurd that religions delve into hope and new ways of becoming. (5) “Sacred play” is reality altering work, a cornerstone of religious enlightenment and religious embodiment.

In 1969, theologian Harvey Cox proposed that an imitation of the medieval Feast of Fools could rejuvenate modern Christian spirituality, lamenting that the tradition has forgotten sacred play. (6)

As found in the Medieval Feast of Fools, the joy of inversion and freedom of death were, at one point, celebrated in Christian tradition through cross-dressing. Drag exists in Christian tradition as an artform that is capable of embodying the Divine. Sharing in Christ’s martyrdom is only part of Christian embodiment, and redemption and resurrection are essential to any imitation of Christ. Through embodying Christ, religious drag can become a project of resurrection.

(Taken from my Master's Thesis in Art History, "Crucifixion Can Happen To Anyone: Embodying Christ Through The Queer Artist")

1: “Feast of Fools.” n.d. Encyclopædia Britannica.

2: Harris, Max. 2011. Sacred Folly: A New History of the Feast of Fools. Cornell University Press. 113-127.

3: Turner, Victor. “Liminal to Liminoid, in Play, Flow, and Ritual: An Essay in Comparative Symbology.” Revista Mediações, vol. 17, no. 2 (2012): 214–57.

4: “Carnivalesque.” n.d. Oxford Reference. Accessed 12 July 2023.

5: Kierkegaard, Søren. “Fear and Trembling.” From Selections from the Writings of Kierkegaard. University of Texas, Austin, Texas, 1912.

6: Cox, Harvey. 1969. The Feast of Fools; a Theological Essay on Festivity and Fantasy. Harvard University Press

#feast of fools #queer Christian

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foxes-that-run · 5 months

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Love of My Life

LOML closes out Harry's House, it's a sad song about realising someone is the love of his life after he had lost them. Harry has spoken about an albums start and end, Harry's House starts with Sushi, imploring his muse to let love in and asking himself if just a taste of love is enough. LOML is about loss of that person and realisation that they were the love of his life. To Zane Lowe Harry said:

"Love of my life, I’ve always wanted to write a song about like home and loving England and all that kind of stuff. And it’s always kinda hard to do without being like ‘went to the chippy and I did this thing’ and to me Love of My Life was the most terrifying song for a long time because it is so bare, it's so sparse." He went on to say: "And in the spirit of what Harry's House is about, I think it started as an idea that was very literal, on the nose, [...] As I started making the album it wasn't about the geographical location it was much more of an internal thing."

So, what he said was that it is about his home and England is a metaphor. Home is common theme in Harry's work, most notably in Sweet Creature but even in 1D it has meant more than a place to him. The notebook also has a quote 'your mother is my home'. Taylor has also used home or homeland to refer to Harry, WomanExile has a great post on their usage of home as a metaphor for each other.

The Lyric Video has roses, which Harry and Taylor Swift also use to refer to each other:

Since 1989, all rose and thorn lyrics are about Harry

Harry 's rose Tattoo is from 11 September 2013, when they started dating again after the VMAs.

Roses have been in videos, outfits, social media posts about each other, a list is here.

Timeline

In the NY ONO show Harry said he wrote it in Rob Stringers' (Sony CEO) house and that the phone ringing in it is his. As it Was was recorded in the same session, and in part, has a similar meaning. This places it in the first half of 2021. After the rest of the album, California. Also after Folk/evermore which are about communicating and endings respectively. Harry had seen Taylor in March at the 2021 Grammy's. At the time it was written Taylor was still dating Joe. Harry had been dating Olivia for a few months.

California in particular refers to 'summers death left to breathe' indicating that there may have been an ending of sorts in 2020 before he returned to England and drove to Italy over the time Folklore was released.

Though not lyrically addressed, to me LOML is a 'yes' to Question..?'s "Did you realize out of time, she was on your mind?" Question was written in the same time period, after the Grammy's interaction but was released 6 months later.

Tracklisting, release and length

Love of My Life is Harry's only track 13, Taylor's number. It was released on her birthday. It is 3:12 long, or March, 31 2012 - the date they met.

Live shows

Harry said to Zane Lowe he thought he would close the show with it. And he did up until March 25 2023 when it was replaced by Fine Line in the last leg. Later that same week Taylor Swift replaced Invisible String with The 1 and announced her split from Joe Alwyn. It only returned for the 3 Wembley shows.

It was missing for 30 shows and is one of the least played Harry’s House songs, only above Boyfriends and Grapejuice which was added for the last leg.

Lyrics

Baby, you were the love of my life, woah Maybe you don't know what's lost 'til you find it

The first verse is a turn on the phrase “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” he reconnected with his love and found she is the 1 but it is past tense, he still lost her. This is similar to the Clean secret message, which also appeared in the OOTW video “She lost him but she found herself and somehow that was everything.” And the cyclical nature of this relationship.

Take a walk on Sunday through the afternoon We can always find somethin' for us to do We don't really like what's on the news, but it's on all the time

The second verse to me is remembering good times with this person, when he felt at home, with shared experiences and comfort.

I take you with me every time I go away In a hotel, usin' someone else's name I remember back at Jonny's place, it's not the same anymore

To me, I take you with me everytime I go away refers to what Harry said about an internal feeling, no matter where he is in the world his love is ever-present even when they are not.

In the Dublin show on the 22nd June 2023 Harry confirmed this refers to his childhood friend is Jonathan Harvey. This speaks to Harry’s concept of home as the feeling that you are loved and belong. To me this reference is to when Harry took Taylor on a tour of his home in England, to the lakes, where he grew up and she may have met Jonny in 2012. She said that was her best birthday, sharing his home with her was important to him. To me, this line means their relationship is different now to it was then. As it was is also similar with with an external view of how others would see them and their place in life.

It's unfortunate, ooh Just coordinates, ooh

It’s unfortunate, just coordinates sounds to me like he’s reflecting on how they got from the Lakes trip to their current state. This applies to his feelings about love and home. The impact touring has had on his life, what is home and his relationships.

I don't know you half as well as all my friends I won't pretend that I've been doin' everything I can To get to know your creases and your ends Are they the same?

Knowing his love is a theme, in Sunflower Harry sang “Let me inside, I wanna get to know you” and in Fine Line “Spreading you open Is the only way of knowing you” to explore the idea of intimacy co-existing with distance with the same person.

He also sings about not knowing his love in Trouble “And I don’t even know you / But I feel like I do sometimes”. Interestingly in If I could fly he feels like she knows him “Now you know me / for you eyes only”.

The “are they the same” speaks to once knowing all the creases and ends but not now. “Super Pretty” has a similar theme of distant intimacy and vulnerability “do you still feel the same about me”.

Baby, you were the love of my life, woah Maybe you don't know what's lost 'til you find it It's not what I wanted, to leave you behind Don't know where you'll land when you fly But, baby, you were the love of my life

The final chorus adds “don’t know where you’ll land when you fly” which confirms he is singing to a person not a country. Specifically a person with a private jet who can fly without the destination known. For that person every mystery take off is relentlessly tracked by an instagram account. How alienating it must be to someone who loves and wants her to see that and not know.

#haylor #harry styles #harry’s house

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gone2soon-rip · 11 months

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TINA TURNER (1939-Died May 24th 2023,at 83).American-born and naturalized Swiss singer, dancer, actress and author. Widely referred to as the "Queen of Rock 'n' Roll", she rose to prominence as the lead singer of the Ike & Tina Turner Revue before launching a successful career as a solo performer.Turner began her career with Ike Turner's Kings of Rhythm in 1957. Under the name Little Ann, she appeared on her first record, "Boxtop", in 1958. In 1960, she debuted as Tina Turner with the hit duet single "A Fool in Love". The duo Ike & Tina Turner became "one of the most formidable live acts in history".They released hits such as "It's Gonna Work Out Fine", "River Deep – Mountain High", "Proud Mary", and "Nutbush City Limits" before disbanding in 1976.In the 1980s, Turner launched "one of the greatest comebacks in music history".Her 1984 multi-platinum album Private Dancer contained the hit song "What's Love Got to Do with It", which won the Grammy Award for Record of the Year and became her first and only number one song on the Billboard Hot 100. At age 44, she was the oldest female solo artist to top the Hot 100.Her chart success continued with "Better Be Good to Me", "Private Dancer", "We Don't Need Another Hero (Thunderdome)", "Typical Male", "The Best", "I Don't Wanna Fight", and "GoldenEye". During her Break Every Rule World Tour in 1988, she set a then-Guinness World Record for the largest paying audience (180,000) for a solo performer.Turner also acted in the films Tommy (1975), Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985), and Last Action Hero (1993). In 1993, What's Love Got to Do with It, a biographical film adapted from her autobiography I, Tina: My Life Story, was released. In 2009, Turner retired after completing her Tina!: 50th Anniversary Tour, which is the 15th highest-grossing tour of the 2000s. In 2018, she became the subject of the jukebox musical Tina.Having sold over 100 million records worldwide, Turner is one of the best-selling recording artists of all time. She has received 12 Grammy Awards, which include eight competitive awards, three Grammy Hall of Fame awards, and a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award. She is the first black artist and first woman to be on the cover of Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone ranked her among the 100 Greatest Artists of All Time and the 100 Greatest Singers of All Time.Turner has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and the St. Louis Walk of Fame. She has twice been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, with Ike Turner in 1991 and as a solo artist in 2021.She is also a 2005 recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors and Women of the Year award.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tina_Turner

#Tina Turner #American Musicians #Musicians #Music Legends #Notable Deaths in 2023 #Notable Deaths in May 2023 #What's Love Got To Do With It #We Don't Need Another Hero #Ike & Tina Turner

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breezingby · 4 months

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Notable Deaths in 2023 . . .

Tom Smothers (February 2, 1937-December 26, 2023)

Ryan O'Neal (April 20, 1941-December 8, 2023)

Legendary TV producer Norman Lear (July 27, 1922-December 5, 2023)

Sandra Day O'Connor (March 26, 1930-December 1, 2023)

Former first lady Rosalynn Carter (August 18, 1927-November 19, 2023)

Pulitzer Prize-winning composer David Del Tredici (March 16, 1937-November 18, 2023)

A U.S. Air Force fighter pilot and instructor at West Point, astronaut Frank Borman (March 14, 1928-November 7, 2023)

College basketball coach Bob Knight (October 25, 1940-November 1, 2023)

As Chandler Bing, a quick-witted, sarcastic member of the coterie of "Friends," Matthew Perry (August 19, 1969-October 28, 2023)

As the star of the trailblazing 1971 action movie "Shaft," Richard Roundtree (July 9, 1942-October 24, 2023)

Actress Phyllis Coates (January 15, 1927-October 11, 2023) "Adventures of Superman."

Character actor Burt Young (April 30, 1940-October 8, 2023)

Irish-English actor Sir Michael Gambon (October 19, 1940-September 27, 2023)

Actor David McCallum (September 19, 1933-September 25, 2023)

The songs of Jimmy Buffett (December 25, 1946-September 1, 2023)

Singer Tina Turner (November 26, 1939-May 24, 2023)

Canadian singer-songwriter Gordon Lightfoot (November 17, 1938-May 1, 2023)

. . . And MANY More...I just couldn't post ALL of them.

NOTHING Last Forever...! (Remember That)

#Notable Deaths in 2023 #photography #memories #. . . Don't Let Go !!!

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the-breath-in-air · 4 months

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9 Queer Movies from the 1990s You May Not Have Heard Of

It's New Years, which means it's time for lists. And while everyone else is doing 'top X of 2023,' I've decided to list 9 queer movies from the 1990s. Why? Because I wanna. Plus, in discussions of representation, I often see folks talk about it with a heavy focus on mainstream 'Hollywood' produced movies, which leads folks to talk as though progress has been linear. As if, in the past there was no/'bad' queer representation and now there is 'good' representation. But of course it's not that simple. Plenty of amazing queer movies were produced in the past decades...they were just indie movies and thus difficult to find in a world prior to Netflix and Mubi and whatnot. But now we have streaming services, so allow me to share some of my favorites from the before times (specifically the 1990s).

Without further ado....here is an alphabetical list of queer movies from the 90s you may not have heard of (especially if you're under 30).

Beautiful Thing (1996) (dir. Hettie Macdonald)

Before there was Heartstopper, there was Beautiful Thing. It's a story about two gay teens, one sporty and one very much not sporty...and about how they deal with pressure to come out and pressure to hide who they are. It's a very sweet coming of age story, really. However, unlike Heartstopper, in Beautiful Thing the economic class of the protagonists plays an important role in the story (the characters all live on a counsel estate in London). The characters stories are nearly as much about them being working class as it is about the two main character being gay. It's one of the first movies I ever saw about gay teens, and I loved it. I still get a wistful smile every time I hear Mama Cass Elliot's "Make Your Own Kind of Music." (cw for parental abuse)

Edward II (1991) (dir. Derek Jarman)

The real Edward II was King of England for 20 years in the 14th century. At the end of the 16th century, Christopher Marlowe wrote a play about Edward's reign and eventual downfall. In 1991, Derek Jarman streamlined Marlowe's play and brought all the homosexual subtext between Edward and Gaveston way out front. In the film, Edward II is in prison and reflects on the events which have led him to that point. The trouble begins when Edward takes the throne and brngs his exiled lover, Gaveston, back to England. All around them the rest of the aristocracy (including Edward's wife) conspire to bring Gaveston down. The movie itself is anachronistic (set in 1991), with minimal sets and costume, and staged a lot like a play. A lot of the dialogue is right out of Marlowe's play, though there are some changes to the story (notably at the end). It's honestly my favorite Derek Jarman movie, and frankly one of my favorite movies, full stop. (cw for blood, animal corpses, violent death)

Fire (1996) (dir. Deepa Mehta)

Fire is the first film in the Elements Trilogy written and directed by Deepa Mehta. Each film in the trilogy is about different characters in India, with the connection between the three being thematic rather than plot or character. Fire is about two Indian women, Radha and Sita, who form a bond through their struggles living within a traditional "joint-family" (i.e. a family where all extended family live together and all money and resources are shared). The women in this family have very little agency and this film explores how the two main characters navigate through it. The men in this film are also repressed by the social structure in which they live, and this film spends some time looking at that as well. It's a film about queer desire between women living under patriarchy. (All the movies on this list are available on streaming services in the US, except Fire. However, I was able to find it uploaded to a random YouTube channel) (cw for someone catching on fire, brief domestic violence (a slap), and non-consensual kissing)

Happy Together (1997) (dir. Wong Kar-wai)

In Happy Together, two men from Hong Kong travel to Argentina and eventually get stuck there when they run out of money and are unable to return home. The relationship between these two men is very tumultuous, with a lot of arguing and breaking up and getting back together. It's one of the first movies I saw in which queer folks have, just, regular ol' relationship drama - exasperated by the regular ol' struggles of life. (i cant remember if there are any content warnings i should put here; it's been a few years since i've seen it)

Lilies (1996) (dir. John Greyson)

Lilies is a Canadian film in which a prisoner requests a bishop come to the prison to hear the prisoner's last confession. It quickly becomes clear, however, that the prisoners have something else in mind when they begin staging a play. It turns out the bishop and prisoner knew each other as teens, and the play is about the events in their lives that led up to the prisoner being put on trial. So you end up with a play-within-a-play (or rather a play-within-a-movie). The film weaves between the production staged in the prison and the memory of the events in a really fluid way. All the prisoners portray their characters in the 'memory' sections, which lends itself to some really great moments in the prison sections. And at the heart of this memory/story is a queer love story. (cw for parental abuse, murder, fire, and suicide)

The Living End (1992) (dir. Gregg Araki)

This is a film about two young gay men who are diagnosed HIV positive. Unlike more mainstream films about HIV that came before (and after), The Living End wears its anger and pain on its sleeve. The entire world is entirely fucked up, and so these two men turn to a nihilistic outlook. The acting is just okay and some of the dialog is a bit ridiculous...but what draws me to rewatch this movie is the way that it conveys the emotion of the time. It's a ball of rage manifest on film. (cw for attempted suicide, rape, murder)

Love is the Devil (1998) (dir. John Maybury)

One of the problems with the average biopic is that it attempts to portray a person's entire life in a single movie. Thankfully, Love is the Devil doesn't have that problem; it focuses on only 8 years of Francis Bacon's life - the time he spent with a man named George Dyer. By this point, Bacon was already an extremely famous artist (and, at least in the film, a bit of an asshole). Bacon meets Dyer as Dyer attempts to burgle Bacon's studio - and thus begins an extremely dysfunctional love affair. If you want to see Derek Jacobi and Daniel Craig portray this dysfunctional relationship, then this is the movie for you. Also, if you want to see a biopic that lets the subject of the film be portrayed as a shitty person, this is a film for you. (cw for bdsm, drug use, untreated mental illness, and suicide)

Orlando (1992) (dir. Sally Potter)

From right out the gate, Orlando announces its queer themes by having Quentin Crisp portray Queen Elizabeth I, and Tilda Swinton portray Orlando (a man). From the first scenes it becomes clear that gender is going to be a main theme in the movie. Orlando is a young man who will never grow old and never die. He begins life in the 1500s, during Queen Elizabeth's reign, and we see him (and later, her) throughout the centuries between then and 'present' day (1992). The film is broken into thematic chunks (poetry, politics, society, etc). In each of these chunks we see Orlando's life as it reflects the social norms of the time (especially gender norms).

Swoon (1992) (dir. Tom Kalin)

Like Rope (1948) and Compulsion (1959), Swoon is a film about the Leopold and Loeb murder. Unlike the earlier films, Swoon makes the gay relationship between Leopold and Loeb explicit. Their relationship in the film is fairly uneven, with Loeb being characterized as more of an explicit manipulator. Leopold, on the other hand, is driven more by wanting to please Leopold. Complicating this dynamic is the way that Leopold is the one more interested in their sexual relationship. Is Loeb exchanging sex for help with his criminal activities? Or is Leopold committing crimes in order to elicit sex from Loeb? Or both...something a bit more complicated than either/or? The film, especially the latter half, eschews and lampoons the sensationalism of the reporting of the crime from the time. (cw for murder, blood (in black and white), and animal corpses)

Honorable mention goes to more well-known movies I didn't put on this list, such as: But I'm a Cheerleader, Velvet Goldmine, Bound, Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, The Birdcage, To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, My Own Private Idaho, Bent...there are actually a whole lot of queer movies from the 1990s, now that I think about it.

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mariacallous · 2 months

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Two years have passed since Russia launched its full-scale invasion of Ukraine. Russian brutality against Ukrainians has been striking, and the evidence of Russia’s war crimes is mounting as the atrocities continue.

What has become evident is that these war crimes are not aberrations or crimes of omission. They are part and parcel of what Russia is trying to achieve in Ukraine. Testimonies collected by my organization, the Reckoning Project, and by others point to the systematic and deliberate nature of Russia’s crimes.

This makes the pursuit of accountability in Ukraine not only about justice. It is also about denying Russia its objectives and setting a precedent for other states intent on attacking their neighbors. Ensuring accountability and justice in Ukraine will contribute to accountability and justice globally.

Every day, Ukraine’s Office of the Prosecutor General publishes on its website the total number of war crime cases that the office has registered since February 2022. This month, that number passed 125,000. The number—staggering by any account—increases every day, sometimes by the hundreds, and stands for thousands of destroyed lives. Each case is a devastating tragedy in and by itself.

The actual number of war crimes is much higher, as the reported number doesn’t account for most of the crimes committed in the occupied territories, where Ukrainian law enforcement has no access—close to 20 percent of Ukraine. There may be some 3 million Ukrainians still living in these territories. Many residents have fled, but many still remain.

Beyond the scale of the crimes, it’s crucial to understand that the atrocities are integral to Russia’s war aims. Of course, some crimes are the result of a rogue soldier’s actions. But the bulk of crimes stem directly from how and why Russia is waging war against Ukraine. They are a feature, not a bug, of Russia’s war. They are systematic, deliberate, and serve a clear purpose.

Take the missile and drone strikes against civilian critical infrastructure. Last winter, Russia launched a massive air campaign against Ukraine’s energy infrastructure, causing nearly irreparable damage to the energy network. The purpose of these attacks was to make Ukraine uninhabitable during the cold winter. This was intended to trigger a new wave of refugees into the European Union with the aim of creating divisions among Europeans and undermining their support for Ukraine.

Today, the barrages of missile and drone attacks against civilian targets—including schools, shopping malls, and apartment blocks—are meant to terrorize the population in order to undermine Ukrainian’s morale and put pressure on the government in Kyiv to capitulate.

Russia’s crimes can also be seen in the liberated territories. The scale and scope of these crimes became evident when Ukrainian forces entered previously occupied towns such as Bucha and Irpin in the early days of the invasion. Mass atrocities were also uncovered in the Kherson and Kharkiv regions after these territories were liberated.

The killing of civilians, torture, and disappearances were part of a deliberate strategy to terrorize the local population and rid the territories of Ukrainian resistance. These crimes were—and are—a deliberate means to subdue and control Ukrainians living under occupation.

When preparing the invasion, Russia developed plans to take over and exercise control over Ukrainian territories. These included filtration camps and death lists of notable activists, journalists, and politicians. Although Russia failed to take Kyiv, these policies are being implemented in the territories it managed to occupy.

As Alice Jill Edwards, the U.N. special rapporteur on torture, wrote in a report in September 2023, Russia’s torture of Ukrainians was “orchestrated as part of a State policy to intimidate, to instil fear, to punish, or to extract information and confessions.”

But these systematic war crimes are not merely about eliminating resistance and subjugating a conquered population to Russian rule. The aim is also to Russify these territories and the Ukrainians living there.

This can be seen in one of the most egregious crimes being committed by Russia: the deportation of Ukrainian children. Kyiv estimates that 20,000 Ukrainian children have been deported to Russia, of which fewer than 400 have been returned to Ukraine. The Reckoning Project and other organizations have documented ample evidence of these deportations.

Ukrainian children are sent to Russia—ostensibly to summer camp—and never returned to their parents. They are taken from orphanages in Ukraine and put in foster homes in Russia. They are separated from their parents in filtration camps. Many of the deported children are adopted by Russians and given Russian identities.

The deportation of children—the war crime on which the International Criminal Court’s arrest warrant for Russian President Vladimir Putin is based—goes to the heart of Russia’s objectives in Ukraine: to destroy Ukrainian identity, culture, and ultimately the nation.

This can also be seen in the systematic indoctrination and reeducation of Ukrainian children living in the occupied territories. Ukrainian children are effectively taught to abandon their Ukrainian identity and instead become loyal Russian subjects.

It is important to understand what Russian occupation means in Ukraine. It is not merely a question of switching the language from Ukrainian to Russian in schools or Ukrainian flags being replaced by Russian flags. Occupation means oppression, torture, disappearances, indoctrination, and kidnapped children. It means the eradication of one’s culture and identity.

Russia’s actions in the occupied territories demonstrably negate the argument that its invasion was sparked by fears that Ukraine would join NATO and pose a security threat to Russia. The aggression was driven by Putin’s imperial ambition of “gathering the Russian lands” by conquering Ukraine. The country’s possible membership in NATO or the EU was seen as an obstacle to this ambition rather than a security threat.

Moscow’s efforts to Russify Ukraine and Ukrainians are also why the notion of freezing the conflict and accepting Russian control over the occupied territories is unthinkable for most Ukrainians. Two years into the war, their will to fight remains remarkably high. This is because Ukrainians know what occupation means: the destruction of a large part of their nation. Contrary to many Western armchair strategists, they know that occupation is about people—not just about land.

Holding Russia accountable for its crimes in Ukraine matters first and foremost to the victims and their families. It is primarily about ensuring justice for those who have suffered from Russia’s aggression. But it is also about denying Russia its strategic objectives in Ukraine. The pursuit of accountability puts pressure on the perpetrators and can help deter further crimes. It is a way to push back at Russia’s attempt to terrorize the population, dismember the country, and destroy the nation.

The war in Ukraine is also part of Russia’s wider effort to remodel the rules-based international order. Moscow seeks a world where might makes right, where only strong countries are sovereign, and where disregard for the laws of war is the norm. It seeks a world in which Russia can act with impunity in its neighborhood and beyond.

In that way, the war in Ukraine was enabled by the weak international response to Russia’s past wars in Chechnya, Georgia, and Syria. Just as impunity in Chechnya, Georgia, and Syria enabled Russian crimes in Ukraine, impunity in Ukraine would enable crimes elsewhere.

That Russia, in particular, is the perpetrator matters. As a permanent member of the U.N. Security Council and a nuclear power, it has a direct impact on the fabric of the international system. Accountability in Ukraine will help deter other would-be perpetrators of war crimes, regardless of their international status and standing.

To this end, the arrest warrant against Putin for the deportation of Ukrainian children is particularly powerful. It restricts his ability to engage on the global stage and represent Russia in international relations. The designation as a suspected war criminal will follow him to his grave. Other would-be tyrants are taking note.

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uraharasandals · 1 year

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My Top Ships in Bleach

A little ramble for purposes of shits and giggles only. Not presented in any particular order. Happy New Year, everyone! Hope 2023 is less shitty :')

1. Kyoraku Shunsui and Ukitake Juushirou

After just raving about these two on my feed it would be an injustice to not talk about this pair - Ukitake and Kyoraku are the old man pair (affectionately) in the Gotei 13, dads to their respective divisions, and uncles to everyone else. In the grand scheme of the Gotei 13 family (Yamamoto insisted, don’t @ me), they’re like the embarrassing uncles who everyone wants to have over for Christmas - after all, they bring presents and joy, and are close enough to your grandparents that they can diffuse practically any situation, what’s not to like?

Then the dust settles and after the oldest members of the family are gone, they’re the two that age and death are staring in the face. Which is precisely what happens when Yamamoto and Unohana are dead in the TYBW Arc.

(I mean, technically Zaraki is probably the same age as them, but he hasn’t been in the family [Gotei 13] as long)

The reason why I like these two so much is because of how close and obviously comfortable with each other they are. Both of them are old and have seen a lot of shit, but they don’t let it deter them - in fact, they take it in stride and use that power to inspire and encourage, rather than to control or abuse. Everyone loves them (one more than the other), but there’s always a mix of admiration, fondness and respect for the two. Sure, Ukitake might be a little embarrassing with his like of stuffing candy in people’s pockets, and Kyoraku might be a little annoying with his constant insistence to flirt with everyone, but I don’t think anyone actually dislikes them.

And of course, their chemistry with each other. I actually think of them less as a romantic couple and more of a platonic brotherly pair - both works, but at the end of the day they behave like an old married couple who have seen a lot of shit together, and just want to settle down and tell stories by the fire, combing each other’s hair, that sort of schtick, you know?

(In my in-house brain universe, they live happily ever after after Yamamoto dies. Nothing else happens to them afterwards.)

2. Shihouin Yoruichi and Urahara Kisuke

(I decided not to use that panel of Yoruichi in her cat-Shunko form. It’s a spoiler and also is a little weird to me)

Ah yes, the childhood friends to fugitives-on-the-run pair. These two are just so fun in their own little way - if you think about it, both Kisuke and Yoruichi are the only two who could control and actually understand each other. Kisuke, most obviously, when Yoruichi activates her final Shunko form, and Yoruichi, both 110 years ago and in the present - she’s the only one who can tell him what to do and he actually does it.

Now given these two’s carefree and ‘devil may care’ attitudes to life, this obviously comes with a lot of intimacy and deep understanding of each other. And you can tell too - they are very powerful fighters in their own right, but because of this and their life experiences, they don’t trust anyone except each other, and each other’s capabilities. Everyone knows Yoruichi is an amazing fighter and Kisuke an amazing scientist - but when have you actually see Yoruichi letting someone have her back so completely and fully like Urahara Kisuke?

If you squint closely, you’d realise that they don’t actually trust anyone except themselves. We were witness to this point in Urahara’s life, actually - whether he had innate trust in anyone before we aren’t sure, but when he was arrested in front of Central 46 and rescued by Yoruichi, there was a point where he realises his life was officially at a point of no return. And afterwards, in the main plot, while he forms relationships with a lot of characters - the Karakura gang, most notably - he doesn’t actually trusts them. The Karakura gang are people he uses, for lack of a better word. The Visoreds are a mistake that he needs to atone for, a wrong he needs to make right. His little family of misfits at his shop gives him a resemblance of a family, but one where he’s able to watch fondly from a distance and joins at his convenience. And Yoruichi is the same - she’s a mentor figure to the Karakura gang, and the Gotei 13 are old colleagues who happen to be conveniently placed in the path to what she has to do, and her duty to Soul Society. You can argue Soifon/Sui-Feng is an exception to all this, but she certainly didn’t feel enough love for her to stay in Seireitei - no, she chose Kisuke instead.

And I guess their ability to vibrate on the same (slightly bizarre) frequency with each other is what makes me feral about these two :)

3. Madarame Ikkaku and Ayasegawa Yumichika

Another childhood friends to military men pair. Even though they’re literally in the 11th, for some reason I just cannot take them seriously. And honestly, I don’t think they take themselves seriously either? I mean, sure, on the battlefield and all they absolutely do, but during the daily tidbits in life they probably just fuck around for more shits and giggles.

Jokes aside though, these two have the same thing that is slowly becoming a theme in this list - deep trust and understanding of one another. Having spent so much time (and even entering Gotei 13 together) in proximity, I don’t think they can hide much of themselves from one another - not that they actually do, but their relationship feels so natural, and they behave so naturally with each other. Yes, Ikkaku thinks Yumichika is as flamboyant and narcissistic as they come, but he doesn’t care, nor frankly gives an actual shit (I’m also willing to bet that Yumichika is actually the one who gave him that red eyeliner - it’s the only thing he can wrestle that man into, which he thinks is rather unfortunate). Similarly, Yumichika may think Ikkaku is stubborn and doesn’t appreciate beauty, but he literally panics when he thinks Ikkaku is in mortal danger (during that fight with Hisagi, and with Poww). He can throw down everything, even duty, if it means saving Ikkaku. And that dedication?? *Chef’s kiss*

A lot of people also forgot that Yumichika didn’t follow Ikkaku into the 11th Division (because they’re friends, more than friends, etc.) but rather they entered together. Because they’re both bloodthirsty men who wants to fight and die for a living (pun intended). And I think it’s really interesting how Kubo depicted these two despite their shared love of fighting - especially Yumichika, because one would think that a man as narcissistic and prim as himself would wrinkle at the bloodshed. When in fact he’s very much capable of becoming the 11th Division’s 3rd seat - he just decided not to because Ikkaku wants it.

Also did we forget that Yumichika literally repressed part of his soul (his zanpakutou) and willingly does so because it doesn’t adhere to the principles of the 11th Division and thus Ikkaku’s principles?? I find it insanely ironic how Ikkaku also has a Kido-based Bankai and this is once more, unwelcome in the 11th. I don’t know what parallels to draw there but it’s strangely poetic in a sense. I absolutely love it. These two are a ride and die pair, and doesn’t actually mind dying.

4. Ishida Ryuuken and Kurosaki Isshin

Are they both married? Yes. Are they both dads? Yes. Do I care? No.

Jokes aside, this pair is definitely enemies to friends galore. Whether they progressed to the lovers stage is another debate, but I’d like to think Ryuuken shooting arrows aimed at Isshin’s head is just another way of expressing his friendship for the other man.

To clarify, I don’t necessarily see these two in a romantic light. I don’t think they ever could progress to that stage; the way I see their relationship is similar to Kyoraku and Ukitake’s - a pair of old men who stuck with each other. In Ryuuken and Isshin’s case, they don’t necessarily like each other, they do it out of necessity.

(Also, Ryuuken rightfully hates Isshin for a lot of shit that he pulled. Not that Ryuuken is exactly the model father, but he’s much better than that douchebag over there.)

But the thing is, their relationship benefits a lot of people. To the extent that I could argue it benefits the Bleach-verse. That much is clear in their past - even though they are of opposite sides of the world (Quincy vs Shinigami), they decided to put aside their differences for Masaki. Of course Ryuuken got the short end of the stick for that, but at the end Masaki was saved and Aizen’s plans were thwarted (for the time being, anyways). And then it happened again in the TYBW Arc - they went to Wahrweit together to kill Yhwach. Whether the two actually played a decisive role in the battle was quite debatable, but nonetheless they liked each other enough to work together, and when they do, it usually ends well.

My problem with these two is the fact that Kubo!! doesn’t!! portray!! enough!! of these two!! The Quincy Encyclopaedia episodes were so funny and stupid and it just shows how much potential there is for this DILF pair?? And honestly why wouldn’t you show more? Both of their sons were off to save the world, both their wives were killed by the same dude (that their sons later went off to kill). I wish Kubo showed more of their relationship along the same lines as Uryuu and Ichigo had in the early episodes of Bleach - honestly, the fact that this wasn’t shown more in the TYBW was Kubo’s biggest loss, imo.

Also if you think about it Yhwach and Aizen actually drew these two together, against all odds. Even the universe can’t keep these two old men apart from their grudging friendship. I absolutely love it.

5. Hisagi Shuuhei and Ayasegawa Yumichika

Yes, I know I literally just talked about Yumichika and Ikkaku, but let me ramble about this as well.

I know these two don’t actually get a lot of screentime together in either the anime or the manga, because Hisagi is usually with Kira and Yumichika with Ikkaku, but what we’ve seen is enough for me to fantasise and giggle like a maniac *rubs hands gleefully*

First of all, we see Yumichika releasing his actual shikai in front of Hisagi in the SS arc - granted, this is in response to the news that Ikkaku may be defeated and in mortal danger, but unfortunately, Hisagi survives at the end of it. And to me, there’s some kind of twisted romanticism to be taken from the irony (and tragedy, on Yumichika’s part, because Ru’iro Kujaku was seen by someone who managed to tell the tale - not that Hisagi ever does, anyways) of the entire situation. You would’ve thought that something would’ve came out of this - it’s a big revelation, after all, and Yumichika is someone who can and has shown to be capable of taking that secret to the grave if need be. But literally nothing happens! We don’t even get to see much interaction between the two because Hisagi later angsts over losing his captain (rightfully so) with Kira, and forms something of a friendship with Komamura.

Then we see Yumichika rushing to Ikkaku’s aid, and halfway through get held off by Hisagi. Again!! I don’t know whether this is deliberate on Kubo’s part or whether he decided Hisagi was probably the only one who could hold Yumichika in all of his murderous rage, but I don’t hate it. I actually rather like it. I guess it shows the two sides of Yumichika that receives different attitudes - Ikkaku enables and rides that wave of eccentricity with him, while Hisagi helps keep him in rein. I have a thing for control in relationships, so I guess I love this one :D

But yes, to me, this is a huge missed opportunity that I don’t think get talked about enough. For the whole part, these two behave like normal and like colleagues around each other (as they should), but the sexual tension between them tells me otherwise. After all, who knows what happens behind closed doors?

6. Kuchiki Rukia and Kurosaki Ichigo

Aha, if you don’t think I have it within me to have room for one more straight couple (actually the only straight couple so far - Yoruichi and Kisuke are both bi/pan, I don’t make the rules), you’re absolutely wrong. We have Ichiruki here for your enjoyment :D

The main reason this sits on my top list is because of how criminally robbed of this pairing we are. Don’t get me wrong, I think Rukia can end up with Renji and Orihime x Ichigo is equally possible.

If Ichiruki didn’t already exist.

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you exactly why, because there are countless many other blogs who have probably analysed this pair to death and cursed Kubo in the same breath already. But in a nutshell, the gist (and how I feel) is basically this - the entire series had set itself up in a way that makes Ichigo (and Rukia, in the same line) impossible to end up with anyone else except the person they started off with. Yes, Orihime and Renji are both very dear companions to them both who both have the opportunity to be something more, but the endgame has to be Ichigo and Rukia. Literally just look at the panel I’ve used - since when has Ichigo ever looked at Orihime with such tenderness in his eyes? Never, that’s the answer. And to have the series end with him marrying Orihime - the girl who has only ever been a classmate to him, who has only ever been a friend to him? I think even Kubo realised the irony (and inaccuracy) of the entire situation when he aptly names the last chapter of the manga ‘The Death and The Strawberry’. Yes, you can argue that he did that because that was what the first chapter of the manga was, it’s a nice call back to the beginning of the series, etc. etc. But the funny thing was, the first chapter was a very illustrative example of how characters were set up to be together.

Anyways, I could go into a whole tangent into why these two absolutely deserve to be together, but you’ve probably heard this way too many times already, so I’ll just shut up and leave you with that specific manga panel.

(edit: I just went down a rabbit hole of scrolling down the Bleach meta tag - I’m correcting my stance because there are many people who pointed out how Renji x Rukia is very possible and legitimate. And I agree. The problem isn’t Renruki, the problem is Ichihime. I think Renruki is very legit but it won’t sit on my top list for...reasons. So here’s some Ichiruki because I do like this ship quite a lot)

7. Ootoribashi ‘Rose’ Roojuurou and Hirako Shinji

A crack ship, all things considered, to be honest, but one that actually has potential and could happen. (For those wondering, no, Mashiro and Kensei are not crack ship potential. There is potential for Kensei to die of high blood pressure, but that’s it)

I know these two are stuck in no screentime hell again, and in fact don’t actually have any panels together (hence this screenshot from 110 years ago when they were lined up in order of Division during Kisuke’s promotion), but if you think about it, they do have some similarities. Personality-wise, they are the only two who I think are chill enough to tolerate certain members of the Visored and Gotei 13. Sure, Rose may need to compose a ballad to do it, but he could. (I don’t count Hacchi because he’s the only normal member of the Visoreds and is overworked enough) They’re also the relatively normal members of the group and aren’t too crazy in the already eccentric nature of the Bleach-verse. Plus, they both share a like for music. Anyone who listens to music (esp jazz and classical) are good in my books.

To be honest, I think one of the reasons why I decided to pair these two together is because they’re the two I see able to interact normally with each other within the Visoreds. You could theoretically put some members of the Visoreds together, but it’ll probably involve a lot of shouting and sandals to the face or where it hurts.

Plus, they both seem to be quite meticulous in their appearances and care to dress and present well enough to have long hair (which is a bitch to deal with at best). What’s not to like (ship)?

MINOR SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA/TYBW BELOW

8. Kurotsuchi Nemu and Akon

Ah yes. The only two people in the 12th Division who even remotely emanates the meaning of the word ‘normal’. Or at least as normal as you can be whilst being in the 12th.

This is also a pair which I don’t...really see as romantic in nature? It’s a possibility for sure, given enough time and interaction. Especially if Nemu starts to stop trying to gain Mayuri’s approval and love and detaches herself from him more, the first person she would form a significant relationship with would definitely be Akon. And to be honest, I think that relationship is already there. Putting aside their exchange about her existence (as shown here) when she was little aside, I should think as colleagues they would have discussions about the future of the 12th Division and SDRI (though that might involve a lot of Nemu saying ‘I need to run this through Mayuri-sama’ and ‘whatever Mayuri-sama says is good enough’). I also headcanon Nemu spending her sparse amounts of free time (when not with the Shinigami Women’s Association or Mayuri) with Akon?? In the context of the 12th Division, Akon is a good model for what ‘normal behaviour’ looks like, especially if you’re trying to fit in. He also noticeably doesn’t judge. At all. He’d seen much worse than someone trying to handle their own emotions, and that doesn’t come with stakes that are too high like the 12th Division exploding and needing to allocate a decent amount of the budget to renovations (which unfortunately happens more often than you think). All in all, I feel like the Nemu x Akon ship is quite sibling-like in nature.

It’s possible (and here I’m starting to cook up headcanons, lmao) that they also have interactions together where Akon is trying to teach Nemu to be normal, or at least act normally enough that is acceptable in the larger realm of the Gotei 13, because god forbid Mayuri doesn’t have the time, patience, nor experience to actually teach her that. (Akon is of the opinion that the 12th Division already has one psychotic maniac in their leadership, it doesn’t need two) So Akon is the one who lets her know what ‘normal’ looks like - he doesn’t actively teach her because he’s not that type of guy, but bit by bit Nemu picks it up by proximity, until her speech is formal enough and she doesn’t ask questions that are too absurd.

And yes, there is absolutely one interaction where she catches him on one of his smoke breaks, tries to smoke, and accidentally swallows a cigarette. Akon may or may not have panicked, and he may or may not have been either waved away dismissively by Mayuri, or screamed at by his boss.

Honestly, this man doesn’t get paid enough to deal with all the shit that happens.

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA/TYBW BELOW

9. Ishida Uryuu and Jugram Haschwalth

Let me preface this by saying what an injustice that this particular manga panel wasn’t the first search result on Google. I had to find it through this hellsite

Anyways, for the people who don’t know what is between these two and are brave enough to spoil the contents of the manga for themselves, basically Uryuu goes to the Wandenreich to avenge his mother by playing double agent between the bad Quincy (Yhwach’s gang) and the good Quincy (himself, his father, and everyone else in his family) - which actually benefits the Shinigami, but that’s another mess to clean up later. Uryuu goes through the whole thing of pledging loyalty to Yhwach and ending up a member of the Sternritter, and was even made Yhwach’s heir. Everyone is obviously pissed at this because Jugram is the rightful heir, but he keeps silent and plays at being a good sport. Until Uryuu tries to sneak into Yhwach’s room. Then he blows his top and corners Uryuu - literally.

I have to admit, I actually ship this pair first when I first saw Jugram on-screen purely for purposes of aesthecism, before realising the whole schtick between Jugram and Bazz-B (more on that later), and the whole other schtick between Jugram and Yhwach (who are entirely possible, but a pair I don’t ship). But then when you think about it, these two have this whole enemies to lovers/Quincy prince thing going on that I’m absolutely invested in. Jugram knows Uryuu has his own nefarious reasons for joining the Sternritter, and he’s the one who has the most potential to topple everything he currently stands and lives for, but at the same time, doesn’t that just free up the whole baggage for Jugram to actually live his own life? The way I see it, Jugram doesn’t really have much of a purpose in his life - he doesn’t know what to do with it, because all his life someone else gives it meaning. First Bazz-B, then Yhwach. Uryuu presents an escape from all of this. Especially adding to the fact that he’s a Gemischt and Jugram is an Echt. I might be slightly delusional but to me this reeks of a prince x forbidden lover troupe. And I’m absolutely obsessed with it.

AO3 why is there less than 10 pages for your Jugram x Uryuu fics :’)

10. Jugram Haschwalth and Bazz-B

For those who don’t know the nature of their relationship and wants to know ahead of time, these two basically are again, childhood friends who grew up to be military men (do I have a type? I have a type). They are both 1,000+ and have been in the first generation of the Sternritter when Yhwach was first sealed away, and actually started off wanting to murder the heck out of Yhwach rather than serve him.

I’ll obviously start this one off with - if you lived more than 1,000 years and haven’t developed feelings for your best friend, especially someone as attractive as [one of the two people here], something is wrong with you.

The bittersweet taste of betrayal is so strong with these two as well - starting off intending to murder a man only to have your best friend become his right hand man and be called his ‘other half’? You can’t tell me Bazz-B hasn’t been upset or pined painfully for Jugram, even if just for his friendship. The entire relationship is just so bittersweet and brimming with possibility that it makes my heart wrench a little (actually, a lot). And unlike the rest of the ships on this list, it’s unrequited love on both sides that could flourish into something that never came to fruition. Which makes it even more easy for me to go feral because !! Don’t we all love angst. And especially that last scene where the two of them fight it out? :(((

(In case you haven’t noticed, yes, I’m trying hard not to write too much and give away too much because anime-only fans would get spoilers and we don’t want that. And to be fair, I’ve only really read the Bleach wiki about these two so I can’t say I know much about their relationship, but what I do know is making me go absolutely fucking ballistic.)

SPOILER-FREE ZONE BELOW

So yeah, my current top ships so far. Definitely more to come, and definitely not the end of it. I know most of them are gay relationships, but unfortunately that’s how I swing :’) Feel free to ask me about some of these and other ships as well!! I love talking about stuff hehe

Other honourable mentions: Hisagi and his guitar, Mayuri and his exploding ear, Hiyori and her sandals, Starrk and his bed, Lisa and her porn magazines, Harribel and Nel, Mayuri and Senjumaru

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