here i am, again, overwhelmed by the constant disrespect of my 'boundaries' (are they even called that if no one gives a fuck about them, me, or how i feel?)
i often feel like i'm not safe anywhere, but i also have a tendency to lie to myself. some things that make me feel safe are the lofi mix "i will wait for you till the very end" (but only parts 1-4, i haven't listened to the rest. part 3 is my favourite though). i also have 1 comfort asmr video that i come back to every now and then (that i will never tell anyone about). it's not the triggers or the tingles, but something about it just always calms me down, no matter what.
i find comfort in water. just cold water touching my face, it's my favourite sensation. also cleantok. poolrooms. loud music that would ick the normal person but it soothes me, oddly. 2am. the feeling of someone tracing shapes on your back with their finger. playing with your hair.
on a different note, i wish i had a vacation reality. somewhere where it was just me, at a lake, where i could just exist where this one becomes too much.
it feels like no one really knows me anymore. they all know this different perception of me, this idea, this concoction they conjured up in their mind based off of what they see of me. though it isn't really me. i'm becoming more and more okay with keeping people at arms length. they'll think they're the exception, that we're close, but for me, there are no exceptions. i'm sick of letting people in. all it does is hurt.
my heart aches, it burns, and i sit here, yearning for love, yearning for something to keep me entertained enough to keep going, yet nothing is there.
my own laugh feels fake now, i don't know why i'm becoming like this, but i am and it feels like nothing will fix it. i want to have faith that i'll be okay, but i can't. no one understands how bad my struggle is. no one understands me.
will i ever be worthy of happiness? or is my purpose just to bask in sorrow?
In 2010: My Chemical Romance released their EP "The Mad Gear and Missile Kid", alongside the album "Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys". (🖤)
Happy "Max Headroom Incident" Day to all who celebrate.
On November 22, 1987 television signals in Chicago were interrupted twice by an unknown person in a Max Headroom mask.
(Kids, ask your grandparents about Max Headroom)
The first time, WGN Channel 9's 9 PM news was interrupted for about 17 seconds before WGN's engineers got control of their signal back.
The second time, it was WTTW Channel 11's turn. The PBS station's airing of the classic Doctor Who episode The Horror of Fang Rock was interrupted with the clip above.
Those responsible were never caught and has since become a legendary moment in piracy/hacking.