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march 23, 1914 i never wish to be easily defined. I’d rather float over other peoples minds as something strictly fluid and non perceivable; more like a transparent, paradoxically iridescent creature rather than an actual person. -Franz Kafka
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Tw: anxiety.
“To what purpose, April. do you return again?”
I’ve been cold for a very long time. That I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake the remnants of all the winters I went through…
As years passed by I managed to accumulate enough icicles to replace my own heart I like referring to this as anxiety.
It saddens me to think of how as a child i lived without naming a constant in my life. But that’s not my point. April is.
April, for a month of hope it reminds me so much of an anxiety attack… It even starts with a lie !
If you ever experienced, or even witnessed an anxiety attack I’m sure you’ve heard something along the lines of: “Breathe !” “You’ll be okay” or “Everything is going to be fine”
In the couple of times I allowed someone to hold me through one, I convinced myself that they’re lying to calm themselves.
Focused more on the desire to squeeze my heart cause maybe just maybe, my tears will wash out all the dirt and then I’ll breathe again, I’ll exist again.
But the fear of freezing my hands by touching my heart always stopped me.
The earth is shaking it’s heartbeat is so loud.
Oh, to be that child again. To Let the light wash over me even if it can’t survive inside.
Cause now that I’m older and I know that
"I exist, In thousands of agonies--I exist.”
I wish I knew what to do to bloom just like the earth.
To start all over again, isn’t it my time yet ?
I don’t care that I’m surrendering to hope once more and it my hurt me again, I’m only human, i want to heal.
•••
•Quotes: Edna St. Vincent Millay/ Albert Camus/Rainer Maria/Fyodor Dostoyevsky/Edna St. Vincent Millay /Franz kafka
Original context: Sinligh
•Art reference:
1. Art by Xue Jiye. 2. Art by Emil Melmoth. 3. "Botanica No.23 by Gail Potocki." 4. On the winding path to home – Nicholas Hely Hutchinson. 5.Nude Woman by Ramon Casas i Carbó (1866 - 1932). 6. Blind Beauty by Welder Wings.
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kafka wouldve had a heart attack if he knew his diaries and stories are read by millions. poor dude
(he wanted everything to be destroyed)
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More Kafka.
“April 27. Incapable of living with people, of speaking. Complete immersion in myself, thinking of myself. Apathetic, witless, fearful. I have nothing to say to anyone - never.”
“People label themselves with all sorts of adjectives. I can only pronounce myself as 'nauseatingly miserable beyond repair'.”
“This tremendous world I have inside of me. How to free myself, and this world, without tearing myself to pieces. And rather tear myself to a thousand pieces than be buried with this world within me.”
“2 November. This morning, for the first time in a long time, the joy again of imagining a knife twisted in my heart.”
“I feel an unhappiness which almost dismembers me, and at the same time am convinced of its necessity”
“I am more uncertain than I ever was; I feel only the power of life. And I am senselessly empty.”
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Forget everything. Open the windows. Clear the room. The wind blows through it. You see only its emptiness, you search in every corner and don’t find your-self.
Franz Kafka’s Diaries (1910-1923)
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Kskfkskfkskd my brain short circuited and saw these two posts combined as one
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- August 12, 1914
- The diaries of Franz Kafka, 1914-1923
[ID: August 12. Didn't sleep at all. Lay three hours in the afternoon on the sofa, sleepless and apathetic; the same at night. But it mustn't thwart me. End ID]
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me during any moment of my day; how can I turn this into a kafkaesque diary entry later on?
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my stepmom just ordered me the 1943 hardcover of the franz kafka diaries!! my life is now complete.
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I am tired, I don’t know anything. All I want is to put my face in your lap, feel your hand moving around my head and just stay that way forever. -Franz Kafka
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