A Bad Thing”
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I guess you are a different kind of human
We have come here for you
And we're coming in peace
Mothership will take you on
This world you live in is not a place for someone like you
Come on, let us take you home
A Different Kind of Human - AURORA
Hiraeth. A homesickness for a place you can never return to, or even a place that has never really been. I feel stuck, and, I have this feeling like I failed. Like I've failed to see how these trials are changing me--molding me into the person I know God eventually wants me to be. How do you let go of the person--the idea of a person really--that you thought you would be? Maybe it's not so much that I fail to see it, but I know I'm heading straight into another storm that’s bigger than what I’m in now. One that will challenge who I am every single day, and test the character and faith I hold dear. And mentally, emotionally, I’ve barely made peace with the last one. I’m just...tired.
why is it that such peaceful, quaint surroundings draw out the feelings of existential dread and hopelessness?
why do beautiful things make me so sad, so wholeheartedly devastated?
i suppose beauty and joy remind me of everything i have and will continue to miss out on.
I feel lonely, so I open a dating app craving validation that I’m loveable and desired by someone.
I feel lonely, so I watch movies to feel something. To feel connected to the characters. To pretend that I too, am in love. Rather than a lover scorned.
I feel lonely, so I buy cigarettes to cling to relief.
Praying that the nicotine can comfort my soul. I know it can’t, and it won’t. I try nonetheless.
I feel lonely, so I ponder “should I drink?”
I know the answer before I’ve asked it. It never ends well. Before you know it, I’d be spilling my secrets to the world online, or better yet, calling him and blaming the buzz. Then delete the evidence so I can choose to forget that it happened at all.
I feel lonely, so I post something hoping that someone will like it.
I feel lonely, so I pretend that I’m not by continuing the façade that I’m completely fulfilled in this lonesome life ‘I chose’
I feel lonely, so I continue to escape reality.
I feel lonely, so I contemplate calling someone I don’t even want to speak to, just to have someone answer the phone when I call.
I feel lonely, so I ignore everything that is real, and live in delusion.
I feel lonely, so I look across the table for two, and wonder what it would be like if I looked up and saw beautiful eyes that house my lover’s soul staring back at me.
I feel lonely, and I’m lucky to have known love at all. Perhaps that is enough for now.
I feel lonely so I turn my phone on do not disturb, and continuously check for any new notifications. Just in case.
I feel lonely.
I wonder when it will pass, or if I’m destined to spend the next decade alone. I know it is likely I will find love again, but I fear the time in between now & then.