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constantvariations · 1 year

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Just finished Wild Pork and Watercress, the book that Hunt for the Wilderpeople is based on. It's a fairly dry and straightforward read. Very much an "and then" book

What really astounds me is the changes Waititi made to the story. Outside of the beginning focus on Aunt Bella and keeping Ricky fat the entire movie, I do not care for a single thing he altered. Some I outright despise

I could talk at length about them all, but probably the most detrimental to the story and themes is the how/why Hector and Ricky got to/stayed in Ureweras

In the movie, Hector isn't willing to fight Social Welfare to keep Ricky around because Bella wanted the kid, not him. So, Ricky fakes his death by burning down the barn before running into the wilds. Hector discovers the false body and tracks Ricky down to take him back. The two spat, Hector gets pissed and attempts to attack Ricky only to break his foot on the terrain. He can't walk, so inexperienced Ricky has to hunt for them both to survive the weeks it'll take for Hector to heal

During that time, Social concludes that Hector has abducted Ricky in a grief-fuelled mental break and begin hunting them, forcing them to remain in the bush to avoid arrest

In the book, however, the two of them decide together that they'd live in the wilds until Ricky, at the time age 13, would be old enough to grow out of the system at 15. Ricky already knows how to skin game, shoot a rifle, and has taken down many animals on his own with Willy the dog

Hector later reveals he thought Ricky would call quits immediately and he would have taken the boy back had he asked. When Ricky stuck it out and even excelled in the wilds, Hector was proud

Waititi’s version strips the two of them of all agency in their situation. Sure, the upped ante of hardcore charges and a gung-ho antagonist is more exciting than two blokes roaming the countryside because they want to, but it's worthless when it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't have the emotional punch of two people choosing to stay together even if it means going hungry or sleeping in the rain

Which kind of makes the movie's ending a slap in the face. The overly dramatic car chase, Hector giving himself up, Ricky turning on him by calling him a sex offender, and then shoots him by accident. All they can do is react to a situation far out of their control

Meanwhile, Book!Ricky, upon hearing that Hector would get approximately 6 months of suspended sentence if they turn themselves in, convinces Hector to cooperate with the law so they'll both be free at the same time (Ricky is 14 1/2 at this point). It takes a few conversations but Hector agrees. They take their sweet time returning to society, and Hector gets to visit Ricky on the weekends until both their times are done

For 5 months, Movie!Hector and Ricky are stuck together as they run and hide from the law

For 19 months, Book!Hector and Ricky get to chose family right up to the very end

#taika waititi critical #anti taika waititi #dont get me wrong hftw is a beautiful movie. Aotearoa is an absolutely gorgeous place #but oh my sweet baby corn are there problems with how the story goes #waititi is far more concerned w spectacle than substance #im slowly making my way through his stuff bc the patterns in his stories and directing is both fascinating and revealing #hftw was the first non marvel film of his i watched bc i hear it the most outside of the pirates and the vampires #might bounce back and forth between pre and post thor eras to see how stark the difference is #but holy shit his additions for this story truly are atrocious. i literally had to walk away for like 30 minutes at one point I was so mad #hopefully i remembered everything in the movie right. its been a few months #meant to get the book right after the movie but... life yknow #yodeling into the void

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katetcake · 1 year

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Oh God why does he sound like that lmaooo

#kept seeing clips of Cybertron soundwave so im giving this show a chance #and oh god why do they ALL sound like that!!#why did they get rid of Brent Miller!!! 😭😭#why is jetfire Australian???? why is megatron's voice so deep despite it being the same guy????#why does thundercracker sound like a stereotypical redneck???#where is demolisher????#WHERE IS CYCLONUS/SNOW CAT???? WHERE IS HIS INCESSANT YODELING!!????#why does megatron's voice go from super deep to how it was the last two series to weirdly deep depending on the scene???#i guess i'm glad the minicons sre back???? even if they talk now instead of beeping??#so far only optimus and starscream consistently sound like they did in the previous series #new hot shot va is at least trying to sound like prev hot shot at least #ah geez just everything abt this so far. hoo boy. cannot stop laughing #rip in peperoni snow cat and demolisher. you are missed 😔🙏#kake scraps #wow i am having some thoughts huh #WHY DOES RED ALERT HAVE A DIFFERENT ACCENT EVEN THO ITS LITERALLY THE SAME VOICE ACTOR??????

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heirloommtomatoes · 2 years

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i am screaming alan alda DIDN’T play miracle max in the princess bride????????????? i am so genuinely bothered by this revelation i was SO unbelievably certain that was alan alda

#i am sticking my head in the sand IMMEDIATELY !!!!!!!!#this is so embarrassing bye …….. what the actual fuck #noooo no no.#sorry everyone im right actually i just timeline shifted from a timeline where alan alda played miracle max 😌🤚 that’s all 🤚🤚🤚🤚#oh my gd??????????????????????????#what is going ON!!!!!!!!!#🧍‍♀️#ellie yodels

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lemony-and-zesty · 3 months

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OH MY GOD THEY’RE OPEN YAYYYAYAYYAYAYA!!!! *jumpin up an down*

JD! Have you met the other bounty hunters? What do you think of Floyd’s solo career? Have you heard any of his music? Have you ever thought about going back? How long have you been killing people for? UR SO SILLY LOOKING I JUST WANNA HIG YOU AND SQUISH YOU AND GIVE YOU A BLANKET AND WARM COFFEE AND-

you can tell im normal about him.

(sorry if that’s too much rot he first ask haha >v<

JD: Wha-

JD: Uhm

JD: That is. A lot of questions.

JD: …

JD: Eh. Screw it. Why not? I don’t have anything better to do today.

JD: Firstly, not formally. I know *of* some of them. The Yodelers, Chaz, that’s about it though. I work alone.

JD: …

JD: Anyways. Uhm.

JD: I’m gonna skip those two. I uh. I don’t want to talk about it.

JD: As for how long I’ve been doing this? Uh,, it’s been about nine-ish years? It’s been a long time.

(ooc: this is about a year before the events of world tour and band together)

JD: And.. uh.. thanks? I don’t think I’d describe myself as squishy, but sure. Why not.

#zesty draws #hitman!john dory #john dory #trolls band together

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xenclev · 9 months

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For my prize, literally anything Inarizaki related💕

£ hcs of Inarizaki losing their kid(s) in a public or not so public area! enjoy!

tw: language, but sfw! :) children, mentions of kidnapping and abduction, panicking, & fluff! a name wheel decided the gender of the kids! tell me if I looked over something!

0J1R0 4R4N

£ Happens at a festival, which has got to be the worst place to lose anything... EVER.

£ The thing is that he let go of his kid's hand to buy her she wanted from the vendor. Then, he turned around to give her the little Hello Kitty plushie she asked for and–

£ She wasn't there?!

£ The worst-case scenario is the first thing that comes to his mind:

£ His kid was just kidnapped! Somebody swooped her up and ran off!! >:0

£ Drops whatever he was doing and immediately starts calling her name.

£ Oh, man. how was he gonna tell you that he lost your kid?

£ Hold on, you were with them when she went missing.

£ Definitely takes him a while to realize you're not there either, but when he realizes, he deadass freaks out.

£ Cause they took you TOO?

£ They fr just abducted his little family???

£ Bro starts wailing and yodeling both of your names, and the bypassers are wondering why there's a grown ass man crying and holding a Hello Kitty plushie.

"Aran, what are you crying for?"

£ His head whips around so fast that he almost gets whiplash, and he runs over to scoop you both up in a big bear hug.

£ You could barely make out what he was saying through his hiccups, but you told him that you had to take your 4 year old to the bathroom because she had to use the bathroom.

£ He ultimately feels silly for crying over nothing and holds his little girl even tighter.

"Aw, dry your tears away, papa!"

£ For some reason, the tears fall even more.

£ Moral of the story: going to the bathroom is a family activity.

K1T4 5H1N5UK3

£ On his farm cause he becomes an extremely cautious parent once he steps off his property with his son.

£ He loses his kid in the most sensible way: playing hide-and-seek.

£ Ngl, he's a protective parent, so if he searches for the kid in 4 places and still can't find him, he starts getting anxious.

£ Once that happens, he calmly asks you to help him find him. He literally:

"Ya wanna help look for 'im, love? We should give 'im a good ticklin' when we find 'im."

£ Now, you think it's a game, but he's secretly on high alert. Heightened senses and all.

£ Saying he's on the prowl sounds crazy, but he's fr on the prowl. 💀💀

£ He's sniffing his son out like a wolf, and he's so close to his son’s hiding place.

£ The anticipation is getting to the 6 year old, and he stays hidden for as long as he can. Well, until his bladder betrays him.

£ The poor boy fr comes out from his hiding spot sloshing in his wellies.

"Um, dad. I... had an accident."

£ If you've played an intense game of hide-and-seek, you know what I mean.

£ Kita feels so BAD cause he hounded the urine out of his son, but at the same time, he's glad the boy wasn’t lost.

£ You both reassure him that it's okay and help him waddle to the house.

£ Big W for Kita.

M1Y4 4T5UMU

£ Dude would probably lose his kids in his own house.

£ Very clingy with his kids, so if they leave his sight for a second, he believes he lost them.

£ Just for the record, they're twins; one girl and one boy. Fate chose him.

£ He most likely lost his kids when he turned his back to them to fix them a snack. Then, he turned back around, and they had VANISHED.

£ One word to describe this man: HYSTERICAL.

£ Immediately, bro throws the snacks and frantically searches for them.

£ Cause where could they be?? How far could they go in that short time he'd turned around?

£ Checks nearly the whole house. Their bedrooms, the living room, the bathroom, and the kitchen. He even checks outside.

£ He comes back in after running himself ragged for at least an hour, but to no avail. That must mean...

£ EVIL SPIRITS CAME AND PREYED ON THEIR SWEET INNOCENT SOULS.

£ Yes, he's highly superstitious.

£ Ends up making the executive to march upstairs and consult with you.

£ He gets to your shared room and BURSTS through the door; almost slammed the shit off its hinges.

"Hun, they took 'em! Dammit! I warned 'em 'bout evil that dwells in the dark! The haints, sum'n paranormal!"

"Jeez, Atsu, can you quiet down? They just crashed. Tell me what the parnormal took with your inside voice."

£ Automatically notices that your kids are lying down with you, and all of his worries wash away.

£ He brushes the whole ordeal off his shoulder like a grain of salt and tells you nevermind.

£ This situation has occurred more than once.

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scuderiahoney · 3 months

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i come bearing more questions just because i felt like it :>

are u a makeup girlie? if yes, what are 3 things u can't live without in ur makeup bag? if no, what is ur favorite physical feature of yours?

what's the most memorable interaction u've had on tumblr?

do u have any piercings? if yes, where?

describe ur typical ootd

do u read any other people's fics? if so, drop your recommendations (can be fics/accounts, your choice)

i also now want a latte bc of the questions i asked u...

hiii again :)

i’m a makeup girlie in the sense of… my three must haves are my only three items? tinted sunscreen, cream blush, and mascara!

oh man! one of the bugs ones was when i posted my first couple fics and blogs that i followed started reblogging them. that was wild. also one time someone said my fic made them yodel. still thinking ab that

i do! my ears are pierced and I have a nose piercing :)

biiiiig sweatshirt girlie. typically wide leg jeans and a crew neck.

i do!! recs as follows: @theemporium @forzalando @enchantecafe @piastrification ;) and so many more wonderful people who im def forgetting

i forgot to tell you! i tried to get a chai latte yesterday but they gave me a normal one instead. i was extremely disappointed

#box box #scuderiahoney 1k!#golden flora/piastrification

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theearthwasmadeforlovers · 1 year

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Heh GoopfenSchtaldt

Here lies Sha-La-La of the Velvet Thump.

Im realgunna shtickitiner helthie Rump.

A realDravidianRhythm is playing out

Im real-not-gonna-let-ya sit there and pout

Im a real CosmoidRex Ape-type Man oy-ya-Hay! oy-ya-Hay!

Im a real Stooge-Incense when I yodel ya-la-Lay!

Im as real as Zulzibrand when you raise me from the Clay.

Whoresare the realCunts

Cuntsare the realWhores

Dim-dim Dandelion realultra!

Dam-dam dandy Leon real ultra multra!

Dom-dom Damiana Desdemona de-la Diluvian Dividend Delta Deluge Damage Day

Do-si-do da Dorian Delorean Dumbbell Dingbat

De-la Hee-Haw Hee-Haw of the great Ooh-Lay-Lay!

I reel didsniff the CkandyyyCkryyyzstdallz lakkagraydt fethraMezstchryxsdtkra

And then I went over lakkawhooschxkhilly Wyxsdtkra

Ha Hunny, that’s the honk

Hi Bunny, that’s the bonk

Huh Tunny, that’s the tonk

Dul mynkra mynkra ding-a-ling DingDong?

You look a lil funny - Sumptin’ gone wrong?

Real churnedforth Papersuch didme-write a Glyph.

It sent forth a heavenly and epic “WHAT IF!!??”

And then all of a Sudden was ruddily rudden

And out of the Turmoil came pomba pombudden

They realedit Wykypeedshzhja lakkagraydt Wwwykkapaedszhcka!!

The lixily tiltexily dre YspaTechaeJchaedszhcka!!

Thakkagraydt skilurMezhdre Nyvendflasdhtshaedszhcka!!

YIJvIyiJYiVyIIjjViyIVjjyvjYjYjVYvJJjyjVJJjVvyVviiJYYvIIjjyjivyVjIjJvvvVyvJYvjvjv

yjYvvIJiYJVyvijJvJjvyjVjyiiyjiVJiIivYYivVJjvvJjjjJVvjYjivjyViyVjjyVjjvJjJyVIYvjjjvi

JYyyyYjiIjIyyJJjJvyjIVIJyJVYviyIViYvVvyjjjYvvyJvvVYjVvjiyYvJJVvYvJYjVvvjyyjv

Fairies-in-the-Fields

Real-Heavenly, oh-Yes!

In-the-Face-of-Immortal

Chaos-and-Fear

I-am-not-afraid, oh-No.

O Valentine - I love you

And this comes from Within

So for you I play the Saxophone, and the Violin

Real FallOfTheByzantineEmpire - Meow-hey! Meow-hey!

Real Red/Orange/Green-Shifted Valentine - dela-Neigh! dela-Neigh!

Straw-raw ra-la strangula stringula Sister Spinster Spatula Spray

Cradula Clavendula Coldula called ya clever-as-Clay

Real fuck CopyRightLaw, am I right? Am I right?

Im real gonna steal everyThing in Sight.

And then in the tight Nick of Time at Night,

Ill be as gone as Night by Morning Light.

And daily deedil dela Boya Konzschstrykxxxcshdztxxxjchkya

Mynervvva Melyossa Maryyna MonMerprykxxxcshdztxxxjchkya

Reel sendMethegigaCuntSluts realplease reel’pleez

Mxxt mzzt mttt myyt mytzxClazeez yeitschYaiyeez

Megresh nevi-nevi beloyosi-mosi

Madousx yevi-yevi gragagdosi-grosi

Mxla Myxyla Meixeilei pboosch-gwgawdt!!

Ador ya la MRUAP or g’edit wal iss hawdt!!

Real Cuntweep went realHotGirl Oof Ooh-La-La!

Real didsniff the CandyCrystalz lakkagraydt Shra-Ra-Ra!

Real PainintheAss I can be, I can be! :)

Real putitinherButthole andthen I gopee ;)

RealSucks to be realCuck; realfeels good to be Me :^)

I found my Violet Valentine a Place to play

Vand Vthen Vthe Vviolet Vvalentine Vwe Vwent Vwevve Vvavway

For her Radiance, I razzle.

For her Decadence, I dazzle;

In our Dalliance, I adore;

In our Romance, I roar.

With Reverence, I rape Her.

With Diligence, I drape Her;

When I feel less, She is More;

When I confess, She is Whore.

For a Shilling, I shape Her;

For Screaming, I scrape Her,

For Scrambling, I scratch Her;

For Sniveling, I snatch Her.

For Hugging, I hold Her,

And she rests her Chin

Upon my left Shoulder. ♥

#poetry #valentines day #valentine poetry #heh goopfenschtaldt

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hyunjinspark · 1 year

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THE CLIFFHANGER ARE YOU SERIOUS I‘M- JADE, LOVE, YOU CAN‘T DO THIS TO ME!!! I‘M SCREAMING, CRYING, YODELING, THROWING UP, HEARTBROKEN- i keep wanting to write analyses/theories/praise for each new chapter but they would be way too long, whereas this just left me speechless… so all i‘m able to give you are some comments off the top of my head:

you said even though it‘s gonna be angsty it‘s not gonna be THAT bad, but i actually found it so heartbreaking. like even their cute moments somehow had me in a depressing mood (in the best way possible, trust me). i‘m such a sucker for angst.

i loved that there was finally some „conflict“ between hyun and y/n bc as i said before, every problem they‘re facing is due to external factors. when he wouldn‘t talk/come when y/n called, i legitimately wanted to cry. and then finally seeing a glimpse of a somewhat snappy y/n during the pool scene, more of that pls. i do wanna see them have an actual argument though, is that weird? (as if they aren‘t going through enough already hahaha)

also, jinnie‘s resolve slipping more and more (e.g. calling her baby, the phone sex). speaking of which, during the phone sex scene, when she said she‘d come over, i was like „FUCKING FINALLY, LET THEM MAKE LOVE“ and then so much shit went down simultaneously and then - boom - cliffhanger, i audibly HISSED, literally HISSED bc i read it at night and couldn’t scream.

hana? oh god. i‘m continuing my no-redemption-for-hana campaign. i legitimely wanted to crawl through my phone screen, give her a piece of my mind and slap her so hard her head would do a 180. yeonjun, you’re a gem, i want him as a main character, not a recurring one, like idk how you keep writing such ridiculously adorable characters without making them seem cheesy or unrealistic.

i feel like y/n is (getting) depressed. she constantly feels suffocated, she feels self-conscious, like a failure, she feels lonely, life keeps throwing shit at her and she holds so much self-hatred. while it‘s so heartbreaking to read, i definitely think you wrote those feelings so beautifully, in a sense that i could really feel the melancholy through the screen. you‘re a tremendously talented writer.

there‘s a billion things i could say, but i‘ll keep it at this for now. you outdo yourself every damn time. just wow

- 👑

i love all of your comments so dont worry about it being too long or short !! im a sucker for angst too and it does have a heartbreaking tone to it :(

thats not weird at all i love arguments between main characters its fun 🤩 and i completely get it, they finally had some internal conflict, there’ll be much more soon 🔜

jinnie’s resolve is crumbling now youre so right,,,but unfortunately the world isnt ready for them to make love yet 🙏🏻 so glad you love yeonjun though, hes a sweetheart and im glad you dont think its cheesy haha. the line between being an extremely nice character and an unreaslistic one is so very thin.

your comments about yn made my heart break, its very true that she’s feeling all of those things but im happy to be able to convey her feelings to you well.

thank you for a beautiful insight into your thoughts 🥺

#star lost with you

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69marleyagainimsosad · 2 years

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omg tanev makes me omg kicking my feet wiggling my toes twirling my hair giggling out of my vagina tears in my eyes clapping my hands buckling my knees losing my mind screaming at the top of my lungs pulling my hair screaming and shouting gasping running squealing creaming my balls off rolling around on the ground batting my eyes popping my pussy flexing my titis nodding my head stuttering rolling my eyes to the back of my head levitating cheering nutting taking a leap of faith singing gospel pacing back and forth doing summersaults cartwheeling pissing and shitting and sometimes cumming pitter pattering sipping my water while doing backflips hopping on one foot looking through a peep hole posting on reddit hopscotching sprinting faster than sonic punching my balls shaking my asschecks yodeling yelling like a goat being murdered sucking on someone’s fingers nipping at their toes dying my hair going on tumblr and reading smut whispering and crying parachuting singing a beautiful song in the most orgasmic voice you’ve ever heard dancing drooling tippy tapting learning how to limbo doing the splits climbing into my lamborghini tesla mix breed petting my chickens flying an airplane to london gelping being annoyed but then twerking buying frozen yogurt making my bed leaping twirling jump roping laughing my balls off shrieking springing like tigger from winnie the pooh while snickering sending selfies to random people on snap pooping my pants popping a tit sprinting in circles running a mile swimming across the ocean slurping dick drawing a smiley face to represent me rn biting my fingernails curing all diseases because im spinning in circles because i’ve never been more joyous than right now shrieking into a pillow smiling so wide it’s scary blocking howie mandel because i have better things to do than look at his friends booty hole swirling into oblivion squirming leap-frogging hogjsofjeifhissgiwgdiwd-ing moaning and yelping holding my hands praying spitting and sneezing ripping my posters off the wall cackling blushing hiding my face getting a bullseye in darts shaking my head (not in a bad way) doing back and front flips while skydiving and landing on a bridge then jumping into a lake creaming my jeans because becafseisuiwhshehe like damn gravy you so vicious you so clean so delicious because oh my fuck doing parkour singing else will rock you whilst stomping my feet so hard they bleed slamming my hands into the table cracking my knuckles playing crack the egg slutting myself out driving off of the grand canyon punching my mama in the throat karate kicking my daddy in the chest wtf squealing like a baby panting like a dog frothing at the mouth jumping into a trash can knitting a blanket climbing onto my roof i wanna crash my car into a telephone pole with no seatbelt on so i fucking die only to come back from the eat so i can slurp pussy and run up the walls and jump off of new york city rooftops until the cops taze me oh my god #krakentanevaugh

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dennifreeman · 1 month

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trolls fandom do you guys promise not to hunt me down for saying this. this is the only time im gonna mention this on tumblr at least

i have genuine dislike for yodeler trolls having the satyr legs outside of the extremely hyper-specific circumstances of "troll magic lets them switch their normal legs out for those ones when they have to climb mountains"

(plus i kinda feel like it'd spoil a bit of hickory and dickory's reveal cuz they could have both just walked around in cowboy disguises saying "oh yeah we're country trolls we just have a birth defect")

my friend once gave hickory a little deer tail once though and i thought it was cute so i'll probably draw hickory with one of those sometime maybe

#trolls #trolls hickory #yodeler trolls #NOT SAYING U CAN'T LIKE DOING THAT IM JUST #stating that. i have a dislike for it #no hate to anyone who does this of course. i just need to speak my peace

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coachwhip · 1 year

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i refer to this as my "man in black" song. it's about being short and transgender.

lyrics under the cut.

when i was young

my father tried

to teach me the guitar

but my fingers were

too short and small

to get me very far

piano proved

a bit too tough

and i couldnt reach the keys

now im the only cowboy

carrying round a ukulele

yodel a e o yodel a e o

yodel a e o oh whoa

try as i might

that cowboy stache

just wont ever grow

now folks are always

a bit surprised

when they meet my brother john

hes six foot one

im five foot five

but hes the younger one

i toughened up

i drank my t

and i tried to sing like johnny c

now i cant hit that big high c

but i still sound more like bobby d

yodel a e o yodel a e o

yodel a e o oh woah

all the ladies swoon

when the tenor sings

but the bass takes them home

now understand

im a grown ass man

though i might pass for sixteen

my pony stands

at fifteen hands

but if you use mine hes seventeen

yodel a e o yodel a e o

yodel a e o oh woah

some girls like

a big tall guy

some want one they could throw

#indie country #indie folk #folk punk #singer songwriter #musicians on tumblr

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readingat3amisnormal · 2 years

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“So there I was, slowly sinking into the frigid waters off the gulf of Mexico with a briefcase full of GarfieldTM phones handcuffed to my ankle, and I’m certain that this is the end of the line, right? I’m tellin’ myself I did good, and that nobody coulda’ seen that triple-iso-mobius backstab- where all five of my shady business partners turned out to be a polyamorous pentuple that were gettin’ married on that Japanese whaler I’d snuck aboard- comin’. And I’m crying, and it ain’t really helpin’ cuz- y’know, I’m in the sea, and boy oh boy- when that looming maw emerged from the abyss, the only thing I could think was ‘well, it can’t be worse than New Jersey!’”

“Sir.” The service worker deadpanned during my pause for applause. “Please get off the display stand.”

“Honest-” I adjusted my position atop the tower of energy drinks, calling out to the grocery store as a new-age prophet imparting divine wisdom. “-first thing I did when I got cut out of that marine mammal’s bloated corpse- well, apart from yodel as loud as I could to tell mah ol’ pal Pichi I was still alive ‘n kickin’- was to get myself a deal with one of ‘em hot an up-comin’ IPO’s.”

“That’s not how IPO’s work!” a voice called from aisle seven.

“NOBODY ASKED!” I yelled in response. “Anywho, the CEO met me in a sewer and told me I’d been legally dead for fifteen years, can ya believe that? So, these so-called intellectual property laws don’t apply!”

I tapped the side of my head. “I’m a thinker, see? Don’t even gotta be an intellectual to own property! And I’m livin’ the life out here in small-town Idaho! Every other week the big man himself swings by mah alley an’ splashes me with some ice-cold water, which I do appreciate, then grabs mah shoulders n’ shakes me until mah brain waves line up right and I tell ‘im everythin’ I can’t remember! But I’m getting off topic.”

I swiped a can of instant energy from underneath me, bringing the stand one step closer to total collapse, and brandished it like a mace. “These things are obsolete! All you need are some porpoises and- and all we gotta do is make them salivate! I asked the local librarian, and she told me to ‘get out of her house’ so that was a bust, but the second we got that figured out we are. In. Business!”

Those last three words were punctuated by loud claps, and a wide grin. “Who’s with me?”

The static hum of the air conditioner and tak-tak-taks of various consumers dialling 911 punctuated the lack of response.

“Sir, I’m going to have to call security.” The service worker insisted.

“Hey, now, I didn’t believe it at first either,” I admitted, spreading my arms to either side. My tattered sleeves fluttered in the cool breeze. “But I am living proof that whale spit is, in fact, potable! And, might I add, surprisingly delicious.”

“Security is on their way, sir.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

I clambered down from the display stand, glancing around for the mall cops that were honing in on my location. “But hear me when I say, the days of soft drink monopolies are coming to an end! Watch, as one man brings down their empire single-handed!”

I knocked a load-bearing can from its place, and the pyramid of cans crashed to the ground, sweeping away consumers like a tidal wave. The service worker stood in place.

“Hah!” I made my way to the exit, trying to make wading through an avalanche of cans look sexy and certainty succeeding. “I mean, I haven’t eaten or drank in days an’ ah feel fine!”

With that, I tripped, fell over, and immediately passed out. The last thing I can remember is the service worker sighing, “Hey, Apio? I’m clocking out.”

I woke up in the back of an old minivan, with my face in an empty crisps bag. Cheddar, approximately seven days old, well-enjoyed. My talents are numerous and strange.

It wasn’t exactly surprising- I’d woken up in similarly unfortunate positions numerous times over the past half year or so. Still, it was never pleasant.

“So, you’re finally awake?” a familiar voice called.

I groaned. “Hey, how ‘bout we don’t do this. Just drop me off somewhere beyond the city limits an’ I’ll hitchhike mah way outta your hair.”

“You got somewhere you need to be?” the service worker asked, stoic as always from their position at the wheel. “If so, I’ll acquiesce.”

“Too early in the morning for that sorta language, friendo.” My head throbbed. “Not to impose, but could ya spare some water?”

“No whale spit for you today?”

“Ah, fuck, is that what I was on? Explains why mah tongue hurts too…”

The sun streamed through the clouded windows as we emerged from the shadows of the built-up bit of town into the fuckin’ fields or whatever. Hey, I’m from LA, sue me.

“…hey, just so ya know, I have this condition. Sometimes, mah impulse control goes outta the window, start havin’ delusions a’ grandeur or whatever... unpleasant stuff.”

I coughed. “An’, uh, that’s what was goin’ on. Sorry for, uh, knockin’ over all those cans, makin’ a mess, all that jazz. Wanted ya ta know, in case you’re plannin’ to take me out Children of the Corn style.”

“You’re on your way to a job interview.” They said, an answer which only gave me more questions. “I’d recommend making yourself presentable.”

“Wh-” A water bottle was lobbed at my head, followed by a portable dental kit. “What?”

“Family friend needs someone to stick around an old barn of theirs and make sure nobody intrudes. It’s a roof over your head and an fourth of minimum wage- which is a step up from where you were before.”

“Look-” I sat up, massaging my forehead and trying to shield my eyes from the light. “Not that ah don’t appreciate it, but ya don’t gotta do this. I just wanna get outta town.”

“And why’s that?”

I scoffed. “Ya can’t tell? Don’t wanna be around for any repeat offences.”

“You won’t have to worry about them out here.”

“Who’s to say ah won’t just bolt?”

They shrugged. It was infuriating. “Dunno. Just felt like ya needed a roof over your head, some help getting back on your feet. If you wanna prove me wrong, be my guest.”

I finally peeled myself off the floor of the minivan, leveraging myself up onto one of the seats. “No offense, but uh…. I’m not some charity case. I’m not just gonna magically get better cuz ya decided ta help me.”

“Didn’t think you would.” the minivan jerked to an abrupt stop. “We’re here.”

Old barn my ass. This place was loaded!

There was a bed, and like, running water. I’m not picky.

The service worker swung by every other day, whenever they could get some time off. Usually with some godawful board game they’d pulled from a portal to the eighties. Ghost Castle, Mr T, the Garfield board game, which I was certain was just a way to mess with me… it was kinda fun, actually.

About a month into my stint, the service worker came over with a bottle of cheap whiskey, some clearance-aisle-bound snacks, and a copy of Return of the King: The Movie: The Game. “Play as Gollum!” the perfectly preserved cover proclaimed.

“I got time off.” They said by way of explanation. “Wanna hang out?”

There’s this great thing any amount of alcohol does to me- it just absolutely obliterates my inhibitions. I’m generally not the type of person to rant about their interests. But oh boy did that not last.

“You don’t even notice ‘em until you start looking for ‘em!” I ranted, spilling my drink all over the board. “There’s all these freakin’ things hidin’ in the shadows, and like- they’re scary, dude!”

“Like what?” the service worker asked, incredulously and a little tipsily. We were having a good time.

“Oh, there’s plenty!” I parted an invisible curtain, beckoning the service worker to follow like a fortune teller. “Wanna hear about it?”

“Hit me.”

“First thing ya gotta know is- y’know the most popular stories? Bloody Mary, Bigfoot- ah, that one’s a classic- yeah, they’re all made up!”

“Really?” the service worker rested their chin on their hands, leaning forward.

“Ah, Bigfoot’s the biggest scam of ‘em all. ‘Course you’re gonna see things out in the woods, with all them trees anaw.” I leaned in closer. “What you really gotta look out for is the not-deer. They sure do look like deer, but they ain’t, and lemme tell ya sum’n’, they pro’lly never were.”

“What do they do?”

“Eat ya, if yer lucky. Else, they just stalk ya. Don’t sound too bad ‘til ya see ‘em at the edge of every parkin’ lot, pair a spooky eyes just outta range of the street lamps. Ya see ‘em in yer backyard, standin’ there ‘til dawn, never blinkin’…”

I trailed off. The service worker hesitated, then put their hand over mine.

“You, uh… you have personal experience?”

“Nah, just… I guess once ya start lookin’ for ‘em ya see ‘em everywhere.”

Look at the ground. Don’t look up.

“I just…” a shudder jolted me out of my reverie. “Began makin’ a break for mah car, ya know? Middle of the day, I’d look over and… I saw ‘em in the walls, dude! In like, the paint. The shadows.”

“That sounds awful.” They interjected softly. I swallowed, suddenly uncomfortable.

“Dunno ‘bout that. Shoulda just dealt with it. What’s the worst a fuckin’ deer’s gonna do, hunh?”

Their grip on my hand didn’t waver. “…what happened?”

I pressed my lips together. “Well… tried to deal with it, and it didn’t really work. Started bein’ all sorts’a jumpy, saw things where they weren’t, yanno. Last straw was when ah broke down in this meetin’, started wailin’ ‘bout how those things were out ta get me… no comin’ back from that. Fired on the spot.”

Despite my best efforts to supress myself, I giggled. “Five years, man. Five years ‘a work, makin’ a life for myself, savin’ for the future, and the money jus’… disappeared. Month in I couldn’ afford utilities, so that’s the water and lights gone. Started spendin’ more cash on candles than on food…”

I wiped at my face, unable to look the service worker in the eye and unwilling to stare into the darkness of the middle distance. “Silly, ain’t it?”

“It’s really not.” they whispered.

Swallow. I told myself. Stare at the ground. You can do it.

“When everythin’ dried up, I was livin’ in squalor. Not a dime to mah name, no food, no water, no light. Gets stuffy in a house on the bay without air conditionin’, so I opened the second floor window one night. Came back from the bathroom to see that-”

I choked. “Th- that- I, I dunno if it was even there, or if I was just seein’ stuff, man. I screamed mah head off, slammed the door on it, curled up in mah bathtub an’ stayed there all night. Neighbour musta’ called in a check o’ some sort, cuz that’s where the authorities found me. Shipped me off to some- somewhere, I dunno. Best guess is it was a psych ward, but if that was a psych ward…”

The grip on my hand tightened. “Do… do you still see those things?”

“Eh, sometimes.” I leaned back, tried being nonchalant, made sure not to look where the light of the campfire didn’t reach. “Don’t have the same effect anymore, ya feel? Been there, done that.”

“I-” in a rare moment of discomposure, the service worker ran a hand down their face. “Jesus, we’ve been leaving you out here all alone when-”

“Hey, it ain’t that bad.” I forced a grin. “I’m better now.”

“And that’s thanks to the psych ward?”

“Oh, this sure is.” I groaned. “Greyhound therapy, they call it, and they ain’t talkin’ ‘bout the dog. Once a week they lined the worst of us up, stuck us on a Greyhound, and gave us a free ride to the middle ‘a nowhere. ‘s how I ended up here- no offence.”

“None taken.”

I leaned back, sombre. “Ah truly shudder to think of those that actually need help and get stuck on one of ‘em accursed buses.”

“You think you don’t need help?”

“Not like they do, buckaroo.”

During the long pause that ensued, we sat back and gazed longingly at the navy sky; scattered with stars.

“You’re coming with me tonight.”

I’d gotten help.

The service worker had a friend that had a friend that knew a guy who could fit me in on his lunch break. We mostly talked about my day, how I’d been feeling… sometimes I’d go off on him about being stuck in that awful, backwater town, insult his stupid hat to hide his balding head. Make fun of his legal pad he was constantly scribbling on.

Okay, the first couple of weeks were mostly that. But he gave me advice, and it… helped. Granted, it didn’t stop the outbursts outright- I didn’t know if anything short of horse tranquilizer could- but I was better. Two months into what I’d initially assumed to be a temporary rest stop on my road trip to an early grave, I walked into the local convenience store without the service worker at my back, thank you very much, and asked for a job.

They were short staffed. You know that thing they tell you about small towns and how everybody knew everybody else, how nobody would forget you? Hogwash.

The not-deer didn’t bother me as much anymore, not that I was still looking, not that I thought they were there in the first place. I was fine with the outside at night! And to prove it, I’d asked the service worker if I could put together a lil shindig of sorts.

“Ain’t campin’ fun?” I asked, passing them a marshmallow on a stick while expertly rotating mine over the campfire. Sparks danced in the sparse light of the Idaho moon. “Nothin’ better to relax after a long day’s work.”

“Indeed.” The service worker toasted the marshmallow, flames dancing in their eyes. “I’m glad you feel more comfortable out here.”

“Hey, so am I.” I laughed, definitely not nervous. “Ah, um, got another story to tell ya.”

“Hm?” they took a bite out of the marshmallow, holding eye contact.

“Well, uh… hm. Wanted to tell ya that seeing the not-deer… it ain’t exactly where mah story started.”

“Hm.” They hesitated, then set the stick aside. “Go on.”

Welp. This was it. LA or bust.

“Used to be this big-city-bumpkin ‘n whatnot, workin’ for the city as a… y’know, it ain’t all that important. Long story short, ah decided what got done ‘n what didn’t. Got this missive from upstairs that we needed some ‘drastic changes’, so I made this proposal. Cut environmental funding by half, among other things. They jumped right onta that one.

“Got picketed by some activists, but there wasn’t much we could do at that point. And, uh… ah was kinda proud of it, ya feel? There was some real shufflin’ in there, we were gonna do some good with that budget. I felt satisfied with mah work. Started goin’ out on the town, all that jazz…”

I breated, steeling myself.

“Walkin’ down by the pier, late afternoon or early evenin’, and… I dunno, think ‘twas th’ first time ah really noticed what the effects were. I knew in mah head, but like… there’s all this junk, piled up ‘longside the shore. Yellowed grass, lookin’ sickly, an’ the place was deserted. Can’t blame ‘em, it made me ill longer ah stayed there!

“Wasn’t even the worst part...this lady, ah… longest time ah thought she was this the water djinn, thinkin’ back she was pro’lly in the same situation as me couple ‘a months back now. Ah guess she recognised me from the news or sum’n? Cuz she looked at me, and there was all this… disdain, and hurt and grief and ah knew I’d caused it. Ah cannot describe that feelin’ ta ya in words, but ah pray ya don’t feel it yourself.”

I leaned back, rubbing my face, staring up at the sky. The stars were coming out, that was nice.

“Started goin’ downhill from there… read about the not-deer somewhere on the internet. They’re jus’ deer, ‘xcept real sickly. But that image of a diseased creature just… haunted me. Ah convinced mahself ah’d been cursed, ‘n well… ya know the rest.

“Ah’ve been lyin most of the way, friendo. Tellin’ tall tales, so ah don’t have to admit what it is ah’ve actually done. An I’ve resigned mahself to tellin’ ya the tallest tale of ‘em all.”

The cicadas were definitely quieter now. The retail worker didn’t interrupt.

“That ah didn’t mean for any of it ta happen. I- that’s what they taught us! Find places ta cut costs, and that’s what we did. Didn’t… think, ah suppose. Not that it makes it any better. Ah knew the basics, the broad strokes. Didn’t think it would get that bad. Or maybe ah didn’t think ‘bout it ‘til ah was on the receiving end.

“But truly, I didn’t mean it.” I concluded. “I didn’t.”

“Hey.” The service worker leaned forward, and for the first time ever, enveloped me in a warm, Lysol-scented hug. “I believe you.”

I hugged them back.

The moon hung much lower in the sky when I awoke.

We’d retired pretty soon afterward, and why shouldn’t we have? I got some trauma off my chest, we kickstarted the healing process, pretty productive day by any standards. I just wanted to sleep…

But there was something I still had to do.

The not-deer was there, kicking at the ashen remains of the campfire, when I emerged from the tent. I held a finger to my lips as I eased the flap shut, trying not to wake the service worker. It didn’t look as scary in the predawn light. Just… diseased. And sad.

There’s a parallel there, between it and me.

I pulled out the bag of marshmallows I’d stashed in my coat and tossed one to him. It caught it in midair, almost like it had done this before. I cracked a smile.

“Hey.” I said. “I’m sorry.”

The not-deer snorted, bowing its head.

Then it was gone, galloping- or as close to galloping as it could come- into the woods.

I stared after it for some time. Not in the ‘oh wow, I’m so shocked’ way, just… ruminating. Pondering.

It had been a full year since I’d taken that walk by the pier. Damn.

“There’s worse places to start over.” I muttered, pulling up the flap of the tent and retreating inside.

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