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mangy-writes · 2 years

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Moiraine Damodred, First of Her Name, Queen of Cairhien.

Six.

Notes: Some of you may be wondering why I went and edited it so that Merean lives… and honestly it boils down to you’ll see later.

It’s several months into our bond that the Amyrlin Seat is touring all of her allies, which includes me. “Seriously, could I pull it off? White Willow fever is highly contagious, and chances are she’ll have a pair of Novices or Accepted with her and light I don’t want to deal with that.” I ramble, pacing the length of my sitting room and he grins. “Don’t.” I warn him and he grins. “Don’t what ?” he challenges and I turn to him and raise an eyebrow. “You know what.” I mumble and he grins. “Come, we have an Amyrlin Seat to host.” he says and I press my face into his chest. “Now who’s the cat?” he asks and I hit his shoulder lightly before the Aes Sedai mask slips into place and we walk into the throne room.

I stop in front of the Sun Throne and curtsey deeply. “Mother, welcome to the Sun Palace.” I say serenely and the elderly former member of the Gray Ajah, Sierin Vayu, smiles tightly. “Yes, you kept me waiting though daughter, I am quite disappointed, you were known for being unerringly on time to all your lessons and appointments at the Tower.” she says smoothly. “Yes, I am aware Mother, I am sorry, my Warder was worried for me, apparently Boarderlanders are not fond of the Red Ajah, although, I cannot say I am very fond of the color myself.” I explain, not lying, but not telling the full truth either. “Tea?” I ask sweetly and she nods. I motion for her and her delegation, which surprisingly contains both Siuan and Alanna, to follow me. We enter a comfortable conservatory that has several variations of numerous flowers, and even some for first aid. Merean is reading on a divian and looks up, curtseys to us both and whispers a soft greeting before sitting down again. Noticing a plant wilting I embrace the source and stroke it, the effect is immediate.

“We do not teach that weave at the Tower, daughter.” the Amyrlin Seat observes and I make a noise in the back of my throat. “No, it is one of my own creation.” I respond and ring the bell sitting on the table between several of the couches and chairs. “Rownan, tea, and we may need another chair, maybe two depending on how friendly everyone is willing to be.” I tell my steward who nods. “And make sure the Orchid wing is prepared.” I add and he murmurs a soft ‘Yes My Queen.’ before leaving. “Please, sit.” I say and everyone sits next to people they clearly prefer, Merean comes to sit next to me and I smile at her briefly. “I hope my brother was kind to you during your stay in Andor.” I say neutrally and Sierin hums. “Not particularly.” she says. “Oh? I’ve never known him to be disrespectful, although having Elaida Sedai around must be a headache and a half.” I respond with a smile and I get a snort out of one of the Browns along on the trip. “Oh he wasn’t disrespectful, Sister, just… I think he is angry, he just had another son and he desperately wants a daughter.” Alanna says and Sierin seems to agree with her. “Oh? I bet Morgase was tickled pink. She hasn’t put up with Taringail’s tricks once. Heard she was entertaining a Bard though… That could cause me issues. I suppose the Tower knows nothing of it?” I ask to no one in particular but Alanna grins. “He is a lady’s man that Bard, a total tease!” she says and Sierin clears her throat as the tea comes in. Alanna deflates instantly and I begin to pour the Amyrlin’s tea. “Cream, sugar?” I ask and she looks at me as if I’ve kicked a puppy. “You’re Cairhein.” she says. “Yes, but not all of us are.” I respond and she nods. “Neither.” she says and I nod, and look around, clearly expecting the rest to answer me. “Still don’t like tea Sister? I’m sure I could scrounge up some sour ale.” I ask Siuan who glares at me and I smile, which makes her smile. “Cream and a lot of sugar.” she tells me and I hand her a cup.

Without even waiting for Alanna I pour her tea and add a spoon of honey and pass it to her, Siuan snorts audibly. “Can’t remember how I take my tea but you can remember hers, Sister, I don’t know if I should be offended or amused.” she says and I shrug. “You never bothered with tea when we were pillow friends. So I never bothered either.” I respond and the effect is immediate. Of course most wouldn’t notice the difference in Siuan but I’ve had 6 years to learn her tells, I recognise that I’ve struck a nerve immediately. “So, the Bard, is he going to be an issue?” I ask going back to the previous topic. “Well… I wouldn’t be too sure, he plays the game as good as you do, it was downright unsettling.” Alanna tells me carefully sipping her tea, “But, as long as Taringaill behaves I don’t think he’ll truly cause any issues. He adores Morgase’s boys.” she adds and my brow knits together. “She adopted Galad.” she adds and I make a noise in the back of my throat. “Really? I wouldn’t have expected that… But Morgase is fond of strays I suppose.” I muse softly and the Amyrlin snorts. “And you’re not, daughter?” she asks amused and I snort softly. “Hm, perhaps I shouldn’t call the kettle black.” I admit and Alanna giggles. “You think miss ‘I adopted an owl and it followed me to the Tower’?” she asks and I glare at her, but there really is no malice, Alanna grins. “I adopted Alder,” I tell her and she rolls her eyes. “Of course you did.” she says and we talk for some time before I have to meet with my council.

...

There is a knock on my door later that night and I sigh, getting up from my writing desk. I open the door slightly to find Siuan standing there in a bright blue night dress. “Hello Pufferfish.” she says gently walking past me into the room. “Your palace is gorgeous by the way.” she says and I smile as we sit on the couch. “I am sorry about earlier.” I whisper and she hums, settling herself against me. “It was necessary.” she responds, nuzzling my hair. “You’ve let it grow out again.” she whispers and I nod. “You like it?” I ask in a whisper and she hums in response. “I can cut it.” I offer and she nods slightly. We stay like that for some time before she drags me to my bed.

…

My hair is noticeably shorter when I come to walk in step with Lan who feels decidedly annoyed when he sees me. “Siuan or Alanna?” Lan asks me as we walk to the dining room, my head snaps over to him and then I blush scarlet. “Y-you-I-uh-” I try to string a series of words together but cannot, he grins and shrugs. “It’s alright, Aes Sedai.” he says and we enter the room. Anavere stands immediately, curtsying to me and I smile at her. “Sleep well sister?” I ask and she nods. “I did, Wilbur must’ve been right outside my window at some point though.” she says and I smile slightly, willing myself not to blush. “I am sorry, he prefers to stay out at nights, I should have left one of my windows open.” I respond. Anavere sits only after I curtsey to the Amyrlin and then take my seat. The usual messages are on my plate, wax seal in place, and open the first one. Lan raises an eyebrow as he feels amusement flash through our bond and I hand it over to him to read, he finds the spelling mistake some minor noble had made and feel more than hear the groan, he might not admit it but he is the biggest stickler for grammar there is. I smirk slightly and he shakes his head before passing it back. “How is that man in charge of his household?” he asks. “Uncle used to complain too, but I’m not entirely sure, I’d have thought his children would have killed him by now.” I respond and Verin’s head turns slightly towards us. “It is how things happen in Cairhien, sister, if you did not know this you should not have come. If someone shows weakness they are often killed.” I tell her, pointing out that I a) know they have been eavesdropping and b) know she already knew this.

“Have you done something with your hair, sister?” Alanna asks smoothly and Merean turns slightly to look at me and I raise an eyebrow at Alanna. “I trim my hair regularly, Alanna, you know this, after all you’ve helped before.” I tell her and she shrugs. “Last letter I got from you, you said you were going to keep it long.” Alanna says and I feel shock through the bond. “I’m allowed to change my mind. Alanna.” I respond and she looks at me for a long moment before looking at Lan. “So how is it you bonded al’Lan Mandragoran?” she asks and I sigh. “Please don’t call me that, Alanna Sedai.” Lan says voicing his displeasure at the honorific. “We met again during my trip to the borderlands.” I respond and say nothing else on the matter.

…

“Why did you cut your hair?” Merean asks as we sit in a small sitting room. “Siuan asked me to.” I respond and she sighs. “Moiraine…” she sighs, shaking her head. “You need to stop wasting your time with her, child, she really is not worth the effort.” she says gently and I shake my head. “I love her.” I whisper and she places a hand on mine. “Sometimes, that truly is not enough.”

…

“You know that no matter what you do, it’ll never be the same between you two Fleece.” Alanna says as I walk down a path in the gardens. “Pardon?” I ask, pausing so that she can come into step with me. “Siuan, no matter what you change, it won’t change that she is angry that you chose my friendship and this country over her.” she says, “No matter what she has you change it won’t be enough, ever, for her.” she continues and I stop completely. “I-I have to try Alanna. I love her.” I whisper and she sighs. “Look, I get why you do it, change, compromise until you’re no longer yourself. I get that is how you survived here and Siuan knows it too, that’s why she’s letting you do it. You deserve so much better mi amela.” she says sympathetically and I sigh, sitting down on the nearby bench. “I don’t want to lose her.” I whisper and she sits down with me. “Some people work good as friends, some work good as lovers. I think you and Siuan are friends, not lovers.” she says and I nod. “It’s been broken since before we were Accepted… I-I think we just didn’t want to let go, you know?” I respond and she nods. “You need to tell her how you feel. Siuan still cares, I can tell, just not in the way she used to.”

…

After the delegation leaves, perhaps two weeks later I storm into my chambers and begin throwing things as far as I can, screaming as loud as I can. Siuan and I had spoken and we both agreed that romantically we just didn’t click. We agreed to remain friends and she and Alanna are continuing to search for the Dragon but… it’s over. I sink down onto my knees as Lan comes in. “Moiraine? Sweet Creator, are you alright? You’ve been in pain for days now.” he says sitting next to me and he must realize that I’m sobbing because suddenly his arms are around me. “Si-siuan and I are over.” I whisper in a broken voice. “I was trying so hard to fix it a-and it wasn’t getting fixed. That’s why I cut my hair. Because she prefers short hair.” I continue before breaking down completely. He holds me for a long time as minutes blur into hours. He sends servants away twice and after what seems like forever he gently guides me into my room and carefully removes my hair pins and combs his fingers through my hair before deftly braiding it. Then he helps me with my gown and corset before grabbing the basket of pastries and helping me into bed.

“Eat some, it’ll help.” he says softly and I’m hesitant, what if he thinks less of me for this. But I don’t feel any of that through the bond. Just, sympathy… and something else I can’t place. I grab one of the pastries and tear it in half, handing him one half which makes him smile, warmth spreading through the bond. “Do you want me to stay tonight?” he asks softly as he toes off his boots and reclines fully at the foot of my truly over-large bed. I shrug and use the one power to push a pair of pillows under his back. I carry stress in the form of headaches, he carries stress in his shoulders. That’s something I learned early on and tried my hardest to alleviate. He hums happily and we sit like this munching on pastries. “You look better but you feel like a war zone. And you never answered my question.” he observes and I sigh, shifting slightly. “I-I do not wish to be a burden.” I mumble and that puzzles him. “That’s why I always ask if you’d like to do whatever we’re doing in a different manner, it’s why I ask for your opinion. That’s why when I asked Siuan if she wanted me to cut my hair and she nodded yes that I did it. It’s to make me less of a burden, more pleasing, it’s to feel wanted.” I continue, only half way aware that I am rambling. “S-so if you want to stay, that is perfectly acceptable, but I will not force you to stay, Lan. I may want you too, but I don’t need you too, it is not your job to comfort me like an upset child.” I mumble and he sits up. “Moiraine, it is my job to protect you, I am your Warder. And if holding you while you sleep helps you feel protected then I’ll do it.” he says and I shake my head. “Ye ca inde belo asa ti ca aso po asa vaakaja asa ye belo asa ti. Ye belo asa ti ca aso po asa belo ti.**” I whisper and he looks at me for a long moment before coming to sit by my knees. “Ye belo ti ca aso.” he responds softly and I look at him for a long moment before he shifts again, puts the basket on the floor, and then wraps his arms around me.

End Notes:

Ye ca inde belo asa ti ca aso po asa vaakaja asa ye belo asa ti.: I do not want you to do it because you sense I need you to. Ye belo asa ti ca aso po asa belo ti. I want you to do it because you desire to. ** There was no word for want so I used the word for desire to mean both… 😤 Ye belo ti ca aso.: I want to do it.

#bun writes #MDFoHNQoC

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