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duckapus · 2 months

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Incorrect Quotes (ssenmodnaR Edition)

Now that it's been a while since "It's Gotta Be Perfect," SMG4's once again feeling comfortable with the idea of being more ambitious with his videos. Thankfully he has learned his lesson and won't be striving for perfection, and he also won't be trying to go it alone. Instead, he's taking inspiration from the man he was designed as a self-insert of and putting together a production crew (of actual employees, not enslaved Toads. That's another low point he doesn't want to go back to.

Next up on the applicant list is Baljeet, for some reason, who's been asked to put together a meme compilation as a test of his editing skills.

"Alright kid, show me what you got."

"Of course," he moves to hit the play button, but pauses to add, "I should warn you, however, that it is a bit... strange, at certain points." He hits the button before 4 can ask what he means.

ssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnar

FM: *gestures incredulously at a car* Who parked their car...

*the view shifts slightly to reveal a jpeg of a BLT under one of the tires*

FM: On my sandwich!?

Steve: I did!

FM: *gets so angry he explodes into a coin*

ssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnar

*MarioMario54321 and Tari face each other on a version of final destination, with MM wearing a Duel Disk and Clench transformed to fulfil the functions of one*

MM: You ready?

Tari: *grins* Born ready.

MM: Well then... *starts using the Yu-Gi-Oh! intro Yami voiceclip* It's Time to D-D, DD-D-DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD *D-ing continues as he starts spazzing out*

Tari:

Clench: 'da fuk?

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Elanore: *runs around in an office building, throwing raisins around like confetti* RAISINS! RAISINS! THEY USED TO BE GRAPES!

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Meggy: *wandering through what's clearly a Zelda dungeon for some reason*

Random Evil Wizard Dude: *appears from the shadows, pointing menacingly with a staff* Stop right where you are, Maddy.

Meggy: *gasps* How did you almost know my name?

Wizard Dude: I have approximate knowledge of many things.

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Desmond: *sitting on a bench, minding his own business*

Franky: *rises up behind him* I can smell you.

Desmond: *jumps up in shock while yelling in Homer Simpson's voice*

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MM: DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

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Perry: *assumes a fighting stance in the middle of a warehouse while Doof does an evil laugh off-screen*

Doof: You are too late, Perry the Platypus! I am now... *drives on-screen in a forklift* FORKLIFT CERTIFIED!

ssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnar

*this would work better in a visual format, just picture Paige doing the same actions as the music video while Crabcake keeps showing up in the areas they point out in funny poses*

Paige: Now everything smells like salmon!

My shirts!

My couch!

My sheets!

If I had a couple more square feet,

I imagine this would not happen!

Everything smells like salmon!

Straight-up salmon.

Smell it from the bed to the door,

when you're living in a space that's not much more than a cabin,

well sometimes this happens

Everything smells like salmon.

FUCK IT UP ANDI!

Andi: *epic keyboard solo*

ssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnar

Avatar Kirby: *reenacting Speed of Kirb...through the Showgrounds, while the SMGs watch him through the coffee shop's window with resigned annoyance*

SMG3: I'm not helping him if he pisses off Marty.

ssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnar

*back at the Yu-Gi-Oh! duel, Tari and Clench have resorted to playing against each-other while they wait for MM to hopefully pull himself together*

Clench: ...Well this sucks.

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*The Abyss and Juliano are in the middle of a fancy restaurant...for some reason*

The Abyss: I poisoned one of our glasses, but I can't remember which.

Juliano: The way this dinner is going I hope it's mine.

ssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnar

Mario: Fuck you, Baltimore!

Bob: If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend,

Mario: You're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Bill Hells Cars!

Bob: Bad deals!

Mario: Cars that break down!

Bob: Thieves!

Mario: If you think you're gonna find a bargain at Big Bill's,

Bob: You can kiss my ass!

Mario: It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker-

Bob: You'll fall for this bullshit!

Mario: Guaranteed!

Bob: If you find a better deal,

Mario: Shove it up your ugly ass!

Bob: You heard us right!

Mario: Shove it up your ugly ass.

Bob: Bring your trade!

Mario: Bring your title!

Bob: Bring your wife!

Mario: We'll fuck her!

Bob: That's right! We'll fuck your wife!

Mario: Because at Big Bill Hells,

Bob: You're fucked six ways from Sunday!

Mario: Take a hike!

Bob: To Big Bill Hells!

Mario: Home of Challenge Pissing!

Bob: That's right!

Mario: CHALLENGE PISSING!

Bob: How does it work?

Mario: If you can piss six feet in the air straight up-

Bob: -and not get wet-

Mario: You get no down payment!

Bob: Don't wait! Don't delay,

Mario: Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off!

Bob: Only at Big Bill Hells!

Mario: The only dealer that tells you to FUCK OFF!

Bob: Hurry up, asshole!

Mario: This event ends the minute after you write us a check!

Bob: And it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker!

Mario: Go to hell!

Bob: Big Bill Hells Cars!

Mario: Baltimore's filthiest,

Bob: And exclusive home to the meanest sons of bitches in the state of Maryland!

Mario: Guaranteed!

ssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnar

*several robed figures stand in a circle around a chained up Teletubby*

Robed figures: Chanting in unison, chanting in unison, chanting in unison... (yes, they are actually chanting the words "chanting in unison" in unison. it's even an actual voice clip from the Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius.)

Luigi: *opens a door to whatever room these guys are in, sees what's happening, and swiftly backs out the way he came*

ssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnar

Hex: *dancing to Buck Bumble's theme music*

fucking Jerry the Goomba kid: Buck Bumble sucks, ya dumbass!

Hex: *the music stops with a record scratch and she slowly turns her head to look at him with a vacant expression*

A Few Seconds Later

Hex: *back to dancing, now with Jerry's burning corpse off to the side*

ssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnarssenmodnar

MM: DDDDDD-DUEL! *finally done, he looks up to see that Tari got tired of waiting and left* Ah, crap.

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"...The hell was that?"

"That is what I said! Oh sure, give all the weird stuff to Baljeet! It definitely will not make no sense without context! I do not think some of them are even from our universe, and I am not sure how that is even possible!"

"Well...it's at least well-edited? Might work as part of a "Ssenmodnar" video or something, we haven't had one of those in a while. I'll, uh, I'll get back to you later, alright?"

After he leaves, Baljeet sighs and looks back at the monitor, "I need better clips."

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just-a-hooman64 · 10 months

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Okay so?? Apparently the Security Breach ost is on spotify?

I dont know how I didn't know this until now, but among being super hyped abt listening to the damn attraction themes on loop, I noticed a few things.

1) The title of this track lowkey ends the debate on the Daycare attendants full names

I remember this was a little bit of a hot topic when the game forst released. I imagine no one really cares anymore, but I think it's neat and interesting that this track is titled "Moondrop," kinda confirming they the name of the candy is aso the full legal name of sun and moon.

2) Forever & Ever apparently oroginates from a sort of title theme which makes my ears bLEED

This track which I'm not sure where it originates from. I don't think it was in the game at all, but it probably would be the title/intro theme for the Fazbear and Friends tv show. It features the "Forever and ever" tagline which appears on the poster in Bonnie's green room, which I think is pretty cute and cheesy.

3) Full version of the game's main theme!

I'm sure this one has been known for a while, but I dont think I've ever gotten the chance to hear the full thing, and I'm glad I finally have! It goes hard as fuck. I like how each instrument kinda gets a chance to shine in each segment. It gives me hope that maybe if steel wool os uber nice to us they'll bring Bonnie back as the drummer or smth since drums are very prominent in the track despite the band not having one. (A guy can dream..)

4) FEAR.

I CAN HEAR THEIR STOMPS THEY'RE COMING FOR ME I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE--

*ahem*

If there's anything else I might follow this up. Also is it just me or does RUIN like?? Not have that many tracks in it? Maybe I need to go over the game again but the Ruin DLC OST on spotify has like, five songs on it

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solarsonicsoda · 5 months

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Ranking TV Theme Tunes - Intro

Many many years ago, I made a tier list of all the theme tunes from loads of cartoons and live-action shows I watched back in the day. I thought this was neat, but I always thought I could do more. It's not like it was a small tier list either! But all the same, it ate away at me. One day, I decided I was gonna do something about it.

I compiled more shows. I asked friends, I took note of shows mentioned in videos I saw, I remembered more from my own experience - the number kept rising. One-hundred. Hundreds. I was building a pretty big collection. I shared my plan with more friends, and more and more of them had suggestions. But then they asked me: "How many are you doing?"

I hadn't considered this before. How many was I going to do? When I told them the current number, they all told me the same thing:

"STOP"

I ignored them, obviously. However, I made a compromise. I'll get to 500, and then I'll stop. A completely reasonable number, I thought... and in terms of reaching it, I was! It was easy, even. Yet, I did come to realise, that it might be slightly too many to ever truly cover as I originally planned, at least in a reasonable time. This brings us to today, and a brand new method for this plan.

I'll be rating themes here show-by-show, and giving them a letter grade for our tier list. I'll first cover my original 500 (with a few stragglers that fit among them), and from there potentially expand. The ground rules and caveats are as follows:

Each theme is rated on the song alone. No personal opinion on the show, the intro video, anything! I will comment on these, but they may not skew my view! These ratings will be go: S, A, B, C, D, and F. Try to remember that C is a passing grade! If your favourite intro gets a C, that means I thought it was Alright!

Shows with more than one theme will be given a final aggregate tier rating, based on each individual theme's rating.

Shows which get an entirely different name from season to season will be treated as unique shows, however shows where this only sometimes happens, or said seasons are simply shorter arcs, will not. For example, every Pokemon show is counted as a unique show, but Tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is not, and neither is every season of Ninjago. Reboots will typically be treated as a separate show.

Shows which share a theme or have practically the same themes will be taken as one single entry, though acknowledged as seperate shows. For example, Digimon Adventure 02 will be treated as the same as Digimon Adventure.

I will be counting the British and American themes only, and mainly the original themes they aired with in these countries. That is to say: yes, I'm using the One Piece Pirate Rap.

The shows selected will be of the family entertainment variety. The audience of each show may vary, but it's all about where they may have aired. I think the best way to explain this is that shows such as The Simpsons do not qualify, though I will be counting The Flintstones. You may dispute some of my discretion here, and that's fine, but it's just what makes sense to me

I am, sadly, British, but we have some absolutely banging TV and it is grossly underrated on all sorts of old TV retrospectives and stuff! My 500 aims to fix that, with a great deal of shows from British channels throughout the years. There's plenty of stuff from America too, most of which we had here too as imports, and shows from around the world in similar situations such as from Canada, Italy, Australia, France, etc. However, I'm definitely limited by what I see! If I haven't seen/heard-of something and neither have my friends, it probably won't be in that list! To rectify this, feel free to send me suggestions! Please try to do this with as much information as possible, and links are super welcome!

The shows are also spread out across time. We have themes as old as the 50s, and as new as 2023! I tried to take a good spread but through a combination of personal bias/nostalgia and sheer quantity, the 2000s is probably the most-represented era. This was hard to help, but again, send more suggestions!

There will be some shows that you have never heard of! If they seem really, really obscure? Probably me or a friend watched it, and we will not hear anything bad about it. Gotta have variety!

But with that said, stay tuned for some fierce theme tune rating! And if I miss a theme or make a mistake, let me know nicely! I have NOT seen all these shows, and some I know next-to-nothing about, so take it easy, and help me out!

Hope you enjoy!

#rating theme tunes #tv #cartoons #cartoon network #nickelodeon #theme tunes #retro tv #classic tv #2000s tv #90s tv #80s tv

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maplefiasco · 1 year

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8 Shows To Know Me

Thanks for the tag, @booksandabeer! This was extremely difficult and I look forward to kicking myself in a week when I remember some other show that's 20% of my personality but I totally blanked on when making this list.

No pressure tagging: @asmoonlightthroughthepines, @scare-ard--sleigh, @msmandapants, @blithers, @dontcallmebree and anyone else up for distilling themselves down to eight tv shows!

Okay let's do this!

Star Trek The Next Generation

TNG imprinted on me in 4th or 5th grade. I'd watch it every night before dinner and have lots of opinions about the holodeck and Data. Did I put a headband in front of my eyes and call it LaForge's visor? Yes. Did I unironically love the cheesy episodes like Rascals, The Game, and Disaster? Absolutely. It was also my intro to fannishness, pre-internet. One of my friend's dads had a stack of action figures, and a Riker uniform he'd break out at Halloween. I remember being confused by his whole deal, but mostly thinking it was really cool.

Flight of the Conchords

I saw this promo before the first season premiered and was instantly sold, it was so silly and unassuming. I was in college which is just. the perfect age to find everything about it delightful and hilarious and to be low-key in love with both Bret and Jemaine. I'm pretty sure I've thought about some lyric or throwaway line or small facial expression every day since 2007.

New Girl

I made myself limit this list to only one 2000s/2010s network comedy. New Girl edged out The Office, Parks & Rec, Community, 30 Rock, and even my beloved dark horse, Happy Endings. It's pure comfort. Every character is the best character.

Severance

I will not rest until everyone is as obsessed with this show as me. I've already watched season 1 three times, and I'll probably watch it all the way through again before season 2 comes out. It just hits all my buttons. Eerie weirdness! Sci-fi elements explored at a very personal, human level! Retro corporate dystopian branding and decor! Random moments of absurdity! Existential dread! Defiant jazz!

The Magicians

One doesn't keep up a semi-active sideblog for four years (?!!) and counting for a show without being permanently altered and irreparably damaged by it. One day, a work friend and I were talking tv and she went, "you would like this show! I wouldn't recommend it to everyone, but you would like it!" For better or worse... she was not wrong. (On the fandom side, the fic for this show is just exquisite. The art, edits, and gifs are impeccable. I'm grateful it compelled me to start making stuff more regularly. Fussy, high-effort stuff!)

Better Call Saul

I know, I know *pikachu surprised face* that this one made the list. Y'know that post that makes the rounds every once in awhile, about 'ships and fictional relationships that's like, "sure they're in love or whatever. But, like... do they even like each other?" I think this silly lawyer prequel to the crime-and-drugs show accidentally became the best display of two people who like and love each other on tv. (Also yes, everything else about it is A++. Meticulous. Stressful. Exhilarating. No notes.)

Simpsons (Seasons 1-8ish)

This feels like an embarrassingly basic answer, but my personality really is just several early seasons of The Simpsons in a trench coat. It's what shaped my sense of humor. It's the foundation of my marriage. It's why I knew what Citizen Kane was at eight years old.

Pushing Daisies

Pushing Daisies was one of the first times I felt like, "oh! Someone made a show for me specifically!" Every single element was a feast for the eyes, from the saturated colors, to the quirky, overly literal sets, to Chuck's outfits, to Lee Pace's face. Baking AND knitting were heavily featured in every episode! There was a cute romance with supernatural complications. There was whimsical, fairy tale-style Jim Dale narration!

Runners up include: Tuca & Bertie, Buffy, Firefly, Freaks & Geeks, Mad Men, Home Movies, Legion, WandaVision, The Mandalorian, and Lost.

#television #it me #mememe #ask game

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fairycosmos · 2 years

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i think you of all people will understand me here. but i miss theme intros in tv shows. like i miss when an actual song would play at the start of each episode on top of a clip show of scenes from the show. and if they rlly felt like going for it, they would change the clip show of scenes each season. now almost every show intro is just the title splashed on the screen with music for like 10 seconds. why did we stray so far away from humanity ?

WAIT this is sooooo real and sad. the last theme song i ever remember looking forward to was the orange is the new black one when i was literally like 13. and before that during childhood they were like a staple of my life. hannah montana. drake and josh. the simpsons. i could recite so many theme songs word by word. and now we just don't have any?? i tried to recall the stranger things theme song and all that came to mind was a title screen and a little tune. this is where we've gone wrong collectively. i mean no wondwe we're all fucked up. we've got nothing to hum. nothing to look anticipate. what the fuck man

#anon

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adultswim2021 · 1 year

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The Boondocks #24: “Invasion of the Katrinians” | December 10, 2007 - 11:30PM | S02E09

I never really read the Boondocks comic, but the one time I did happened to catch it was the day after the 2004 presidential election. The comic, if you don’t feel like clicking the link I very nicely supplied for you, consisted of “The Boondocks Kids” (as they like to be called) musing how the comics page seems to be slightly behind on current events. Tellingly, they refer to the election having ended, but don’t discuss the outcome. Eventually this strip ran, with Huey screaming “D**NIT!”, and then remarking that he’d been holding it in for a couple weeks.

The animated show is even more delayed. Most traditionally-animated television shows are like this. This one involves the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Huey even gets the viewers up to speed by describing the devastation felt by those affected by Katrina in a little opening narration bit. This is probably a good thing; there are actual adults walking around now who weren’t born or too young to remember this news story.

Not to brag, but I was a young adult living in Northern California working in a movie theater at the time of Katrina. I was working in the snack bar, and I slightly over-filled a person’s soda, causing the soda to bubble out of the straw hole in the plastic lid and spill slightly out into the crevices of said lid. I apologized for the unsightly mess: “Sorry, it’s a little over-filled,” I apologized. “Better over-filled than under-filled!” the customer replied, being a good sport. “There are people in New Orleans right now who might beg to differ” I shot back, EXTREMELY quickly. It’s not very cool to take pride in your own jokes, especially when they receive blank stares. This one received a blank stare. Unsatisfied, I proudly repeated the joke to co-workers (which is lame, I know this already) and also got blank stares and had to explain it. President Bush, and also, the customers and staff at Movies 10 in Redding, CA, don’t care about black people.

That’s a pretty long intro for an episode that I’m basically about to call “fine”. This episode is fine. It’s a little comedy of errors about the Freemans taking in Robert’s cousin’s family who were displaced by Katrina. They are bad house guests, and Granddad does everything to try and be rid of them without seeming like a heartless piece of shit. They are waiting for their check from Fema, which keeps getting deferred for various reasons.

Like I said, this one’s fine. Not terrible, but not exceptional. I feel like this season has been significantly less satirical than the first? Episodes are maybe a little more satirical than your average animated sitcom like The Simpsons, but that’s not too hard of an accomplishment, especially when comparing the mid-00’s version of the Simpsons. South Park was way more outwardly satirical but is a much whiter, much more libertarian show. Also, South Park had the animation style that let them be extremely topical. They would sometimes reach for the stars and come up short.

This episode IS satirical; Robert’s treatment of his family has real-world parallels, but the story is more focused on characters having personality clashes. This episode isn’t on a soap box, but the soap box can be seen in the subtext. It’s a lighter touch, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

MAIL BAG

Sorry to hear you didn't like the WaitMate sketch that much. I workshopped it with Mr. Goldblum back in the day. Was it the cartoon? Was it not era-appropriate animation?

The cartoon was just fine. Maybe the best part of the sketch. The sketch was fine. I didn’t say I didn’t like it. How dare you.

Really like the Beach Blast song. As good as anything the B-52s did. I'm serious! They really do paint Quall up to look like a ten cent ho though.

She is a skanky little bitch, isn’t she? But, I love her...

The music that plays at the start of Zan's memory tape sounds like something from Earthbound, doesn't it?

Right on the money, SMAAAASH!!

The biggest bummer about the Sam Hyde stuff is that Connor O'Malley has ripped his shit off wholesale without any of the transgressiveness that made Sam interesting. Thankfully adultswim hasn't been stupid enough to give him a show.

I know enough people who HATE Connor O’Malley and consider his comedy to be too revolting. Personally I think he right in the sweet spot of rude-enough. I crave rudeness. I’m practically Rude Dog and the Dweebs over here.

#adult swim #adultswim2021 #the boondocks

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dancingkirby · 2 years

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Contents of Sunlightheartstudio's Yugiowned! GX (To the best of Kirby's memory)

For those who are newer to the fandom: from about 2007-2010, there existed a series of videos on Youtube: Yugiowned! GX, Yugiowned! GX 2 Parts A and B, Yugiowned! GX Deleted Scenes, and later Yugiowned! 5D's. These consisted of a series of little clips of songs or other audio set to visual footage from the show. These were, IMO, hilarious overall, but unfortunately YT deleted them. Since it's been so long since then, I decided I'd write down what I could remember of these clips in order to preserve the Fandom Lore. For this first one, I actually think I got the order of appearance in the video right for most of them; the sequel has proven harder.

WARNING: Language and sexual references.

YUGIOWNED GX

Intro: Pokemon theme/”This is Yugioh time, motherfucker!“/99%

Power Rangers theme: E-Heroes

“Why does it hurt when I pee?”: Manjoume in bathroom, Episode 25

Naruto clip: Ninja Info Cards: Chronos, Episode 4.

Family Guy clip: Joining the army: Asuka

“Under the Sea”: Judai, Episode 38

Family Guy clip: Scooby Doo Murder Files: Judai, Sho, Hayato, and Hane Kuriboh

“I’m Too Sexy”: Judai and Rei, Episode 20

“Pretty Fly for a White Guy”: Fubuki

"Shake Your Groove Thing": Ojamas

The Simpsons: Barney Gumble belch clip: Titan

“Tarzan & Jane”: Taizan

“My breasts are really strong!”: Asuka

“Kiss the Sky”: Amon

“He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands”: Saiou

“Fat”: Hayato, Napoleon, Samejima, and Tome

“I Wanna Fuck You in the Ass”: Manjoume, Episode 2*

Naruto clip: Bunshin no Jutsu: Mizuchi

"Let's Fighting Love": Chronos, Episode 69

Ninja Turtles Theme: Judai, Sho, Manjoume, and Fubuki

Hammer Time: ???

“Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better”: Judai and Manjoume, Episode 2 and/or 4.

“I never forget a pussy…cat.”: Pharaoh

“Crocodile Rock”: Jim and Karen

“Blinded by the Light”: Something to do with the HnK; unsure exactly which characters.

“Brother, My Brother”: Ryo and Sho, Episode 95

“He Ain’t Heavy; He’s My Brother”: Asuka and Fubuki

Dinosaurs: Kenzan

Napoleon Dynamite Clip: Judai and Sho, Episode 81**

Various song lyrics about fire: Flame Wingman

“Make my boobies one more size”: Rei

“I Saw the Sign”: White Manjoume and White Asuka

“Hot in Here”: Misawa, Episode 96***

“Another white boy in this movie? DAMN!”: O’Brien

(I feel like there’s one or two near the end I’m forgetting about)

“No soup for you!”: Kabayama

“Sometimes When We Touch”: Saiou and Edo

Credits: Unknown song

NOTES: *Yyyeah. Some of these clips didn't age well, most notably the Manjoume and Asuka ones. And this almost certainly contributed to how I wrote Manjoume in the early days.

**Possibly actually from the sequel.

***AKA the one where I always averted my eyes.

#yugioh gx

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wolf359transcripts · 2 years

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Wolf 359 Season 1 Episode 8 - “Box 953”

[intro music]

Welcome to Wolf 359.

Eiffel: [sighs in irritation] Hey everyone. This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel. It’s day five hundred and twenty-five of the Hephaestus mission. If this recording sounds slightly... different from my usual logs, it’s because today, I’m not broadcasting from the comms room. I’ve relocated to the station’s storeroom for today’s session. Just... y’know, it’s always good to... get a change of scenery, and if you get to avoid Commander Minkowski and her undying self-righteous fury, all the better. We’re having another one of those days at the station, dear listeners. A bad day. And I mean, you know me. I’m the very picture of courage in the face of danger, and all that, but trust me – in this case, discretion is the better part of valor.

[announcement chime]

Minkowski: Crew of the Hephaestus. This is Commander Minkowski. As I know that you are all keenly aware, it is time for our quarterly talent show. I know that you’re aware of this, because it has been clearly marked as compulsory in the station calendar for the past two weeks, and because I have been posting regular reminders throughout the station. And because I told the both of you today at breakfast. And at lunch. So, imagine my surprise when I got down to the cargo bay, and neither of you were there. I can only assume that it’s because you’re putting finishing touches on your acts for today. Which is nothing if not commendable. But don’t push it. I’m making this announcement from the comms room, where I can’t help but notice that you’re not, Eiffel. I’m just going to assume that it’s because we narrowly missed each other, when I was coming up here, and you were going down. And by the time I make it back to the cargo bay, you’ll be there. Ready to enthusiastically dazzle us with some talent. One that does not involve smoke rings.

Eiffel: [under his breath] Fascist.

Minkowski: Same goes for you, Dr. Hilbert. This is a mandatory event. So don’t make me come and get you. We’re going to boost morale, we’re going to bond as a crew, and we’re going to have a great time doing it, even if I have to drag both of you kicking and screaming into it. Minkowski out.

[announcement chime]

Eiffel: Drop the mic, why don’t ya. Y’know, it’s bad enough when she makes us do something just because it’s military protocol, but I think she actually really cares about these talent shows. But friends, they’re a few dramatic poetry readings beyond my breaking point. I can deal with the bad food, the low shower pressure, and lack of Simpsons reruns around here. But I have my limits. It’s either not smoking, or Sylvia Plath’s Lady Lazarus. Not both of them together. So, until this whole thing blows over, I’m gonna be luxuriating in the remotest, darkest, hiding-spottiest corner I could find in the entire station. You know what the scariest part of all of this is though? For once, Hilbert and I actually agree on something. If anything, I think he might hate Minkowski’s little talent shows even more than I do. In fact, let’s see how the enemy of my enemy is doing.

[open intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Hey Dr. Hilbert, how are you doing? Looks like the witching time of night is upon us, eh?

Hilbert: One moment, Eiffel. Delicate process, time is of the essence.

Eiffel: Yeah, no kidding. Sounds like Hurricane Minkowski’s on the move. You holed up somewhere yet?

Hilbert: Nyet. I have reconsidered that strategy since our confronts this afternoon. Have decided to tackle problem... more directly.

Eiffel: Oh?

Hilbert: Upon further reflection, I remember that I do in fact possess many talents, among them biochemistry.

Eiffel: Already I don’t like where this is going.

Hilbert: Well, I’m now putting the finishing touches on a rather powerful concoction. I will submit this to Commander Minkowski as my entry for the talent show, claiming that is a... combination nerve tonic, energy drink, and breath freshener. That, however, will be a clever lie!

Eiffel: What’s it actually do? Turn her into a frog?

Hilbert: Nothing so elaborate. Just powerful sedative and narcotic. It will knock her out for the next twelve hours. Plenty of time for the talent show window to elapse, and allow us to focus on our real work.

Eiffel: Y’know, Doctor, you can’t solve all your problems by knocking someone out.

Hilbert: People keep saying that, and yet, my problems keep going away.

[a droplet falls into liquid and fizzing begins]

Hilbert: There, completed. Stand by Eiffel. I will report once the situation has been neutralised.

Eiffel: Godspeed, Doc.

[close intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Well, until we get a confirmation that the coast is clear, let’s just lay low, shall we? Y’know, I’ve never really paid attention to this storeroom before. It’s always just kind of been... here? We’ve never really needed anything from here, and... yeah, I don’t even know if I’ve even been in this room before. There must be hundreds of crates in here. They’ve all got a number printed on the side, and the Goddard Futuristics logo. They’re the corporate sponsor for this mission, so uh I guess they’re using this as... free storage space? What the hell are they even keeping up here?

[crate opens]

Eiffel: What the – Looks like this entire box is just... full of... dolls. Just those... weird, Russian dolls that you can open, and... there’s like a bunch of smaller dolls inside of them? Only, um. None of... them... have eyes. It’s just... a bunch of weird, eyeless Russian dolls. I’m just gonna leave this one alone.

[crate closes]

Eiffel: Well, that was really weird. Let’s see... hm... how about... box 239?

[crate opens]

Eiffel: Hm. Well, this one’s just full of pieces of paper. [rustling paper] Just a... big pile of... What? [chuckles] “Dear Santa, for Christmas this year I want a Harley-Davidson remote contr-” Holy crap. This is where these letters end up? Conspiracy revealed! Now I kind of need to see if this huge one has Santa in it or something. Box 56. Okay, let’s see.

[crate opens]

Eiffel: Holy crap. You guys! There’s a cannon in here! Why is there a cannon in here? W-What practical purpose, could a cannon possibly serve in outer space? I don’t – I [clicks] – Oh, wait a minute. I think I just saw – Yeah yeah yeah, okay.

[rustling paper]

Eiffel: There’s a manifest by the door that says what’s in each of these crates. Jeez. How long is this thing? Let’s see, let’s see... Box 217 has one thousand, three hundred and forty-six red L-shaped Lego blocks? Which first of all, why would anyone want that many L-shaped blocks? L blocks are useless.

[turning pages]

Eiffel: Box 300 has the individual pieces, for three full suits of armour, near mint condition? Never know when you might need one of those.

[turning pages]

Eiffel: Box 552 apparently has the... partial skull of unnamed megafauna specimen 58. Whatever that is. Oh, and there’s a note. “Please handle with care, and with a... vague feeling of existential dread”? Well, at least they’re specific.

[turning pages]

Eiffel: This is some Raiders of the Lost Ark level stuff here. [turning pages] I mean. I wonder if the Ark of the Covenant is tucked up under a yeti skull, or a scale model of Atlantis, or something.

[turning pages]

Eiffel: Um. What? [clears throat] I’m sorry listeners, I just – There’s a box that’s – It says here that box 953 is... “Reserved for Douglas Eiffel. Do not open under any circumstances”. Um... What?

[open intercom buzz]

[Minkowski singing “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” in the background]

Hilbert: [whispered] Eiffel.

Eiffel: Can you hang on a moment, Doc?

Hilbert: [whispered] No, I cannot! Eiffel, situational norms here are catastrophically far from the stability of hanging!

Eiffel: Really? That’s nice.

Hilbert: [whispered] No, it’s not! I- I’m not sure what’s wrong, but my compound did not render the Commander unconscious! Instead, it just triggered some sort of... impaired euphoric effect on the subject.

Eiffel: Oh cool.

Hilbert: [whispered] No! It is not cool! It is diametrically opposed to cool! Eiffel. You do not understand – there is singing.

[Minkowski finishes singing and hiccups]

Hilbert: [whispered] This is an emergency! We require immediate assistance!

Eiffel: Sure sure, whatever you say.

Hilbert: [whispered] Eiffel!

Minkowski: [slurring] Hilbert? Who’re you talking to?

Hilbert: Oh um...

Minkowski: [slurring] You should... no talking. You should be focusing on making pirate costumes for the show! [gun racking] Shouldn’t you?

Hilbert: Y-Yes, Commander!

Minkowski: [slurring] Swashes and buckles, Hilbert! Swashes... and buckles. [hiccups] Alright. One more time from the top, Hera!

Hilbert: [whispered] Eiffel! Please hurry!

[close intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Why... Why is there a box that says “Reserved for Douglas Eiffel” up here? Like, does that mean that... whatever’s in the box is stuff for me? Or... is it that... I’m the one that – Where the hell is this box anyway? Alright. One second, dear listeners, l-let me see if I can find this thing. I’ll be right back.

[intermission music]

Eiffel: Hey again. So. I’ve spent the past two hours tearing this place apart, but I still haven’t been able to find box 953. I’ve found all sorts of other weird crap up here. Including the shrunken heads of Paul Harding, MD, and Associates. So, y’know, ew. [shuddering inhale] I’m still not sure where – Hang on. I think I – I think I see it. That’s definitely a nine, and a five, in that big box back there. One moment. Lemme check that out.

[open intercom buzz]

Hilbert: [whispered] Eiffel! Whatever action you’re taking to save me, you must hurry! Things have taken a turn for the worst. Commander Minkowski has demanded I make her ice-cream for the conclusion of the talent show. I tried to explain that I don’t have the necessary ingredients, but she just fired a shot past my head! I’m not sure if it was a warning shot, or if she just missed! I’m doing my best to create an approximation of ice cream, but, I fear what will happen when it fails the taste test! You need to do something before it’s –

Hilbert: Oh! Commander! I did not see you there!

Minkowski: [slurring] Did I – I didn’t tell you to talk to anyone, Doctor. I thought I told you to make ice-cream.

Hilbert: Oh yes, Commander.

Minkowski: [slurring] Good, good. Ice-cream is good. You know why, Hilbert?

Hilbert: W-W-Why? Commander?

Minkowski: [slurring] Because... I scream for ice-cream. I scream for ice-cream. You scream for ice-cream, right Doctor?

Hilbert: Of course! Of course I do.

Minkowski: Of course you do. I scream, you scream. I scream, you scream. We all scream for ice cream!

Hilbert: [muffled screaming]

[close intercom buzz]

Eiffel: Hm. Nope. Turns out that was box 957. Nothing in there, except for some old Farmer’s Almanacs, and some diaries belonging to someone called Victoire Fourier. Think it’s time to call in the cavalry. Hey Hera, can you hear me?

Hera: Yes, I can, Officer Eiffel. But can this wait for a moment, I’m trying to learn my lines.

Eiffel: Lines? Oh god, tell me you’re not getting sucked into Minkowski’s crazy talent show thing.

Hera: Pirates of Penzance is a classic of 19th-century comic opera. And sure, Isabel isn’t the biggest role in the play, but it’s a start!

Eiffel: There’s many things going wrong with what you just said, but I so don’t have the time right now. Listen, multi-task for a moment.

Hera: Eiffel, I’m always multi-tasking.

Eiffel: And help me out here. Do you have the storeroom manifest knocking around in your head somewhere?

Hera: Of course, basic item description and organisational imprint for all... one thousand and thirty-seven crates.

Eiffel: Okay. What can you tell me about number 953?

Hera: One second. [pauses] Um... Not much, it says it’s reserved for you, but... beyond that the records are blank.

Eiffel: Nothing else?

Hera: Not in my internal banks. Let me access the central memory banks on the Hephaestus compu-

Hera: [mechanically] Error. Inappropriate security clearance. File access denied. File access denied.

Hera: Ugh, god damn it.

Eiffel: You okay?

Hera: Yes. No. I hate when that happens! Do you have any idea how annoying it is to get kicked off a thought when you’re halfway through having it? Now I’m going to have a headache for the rest of the night.

Eiffel: So, you can’t tell me anything else?

Hera: No. There’s information in the system, but I don’t have the –

Hera: [mechanically] Error. Inappropriate security clearance. File access denied. File access denied.

Hera: Ugh!

Eiffel: Woah woah woah, don’t make yourself short circuit. Stop trying to access that file.

Hera: Easy for you to say! You try not thinking about something sometimes, see how easy it is. [sighs] I think I would need Commander Minkowski’s security codes to get that information.

Eiffel: Ugh, yeah, well that’s not happening any time in the near future. Could you at least tell me where this box is?

Hera: Oh. That I can do. It’s on the far side of the store room, right behind box 102.

Eiffel: Hera... What are you talking about? There’s nothing there, just – H-Holy crap. That’s box 953? I thought that was part of the wall!

Hera: Nope. That’s the one you’re looking for. [pauses] Uh, listen Eiffel? I’m gonna go. Commander Minkowski’s running me through the cues for the Act 1 finale, and I should really give her my full attention. Well. Full-ish attention.

Eiffel: So that’s box 953? [pauses] Um. It’s different from the other boxes. First of all, it’s... it’s large. I believe the technical military term is ginormous. You could probably fit an elephant in there. And it’s made out of some kind of black metal. And all the other boxes are restrained, but this one looks like it was bolted in place. How the hell do you even open this thing? Oh, I see, there’s a groove right there and, a hinge next to... this label that says “Keep closed at all times”. So. I-I guess this section just... swings outwards. Ah! And it’s cold! Box 953 is really, really cold, dear listeners. [exhales] Um. A-And there’s a sound coming from inside the box, it – it’s like this... humming. That kind of comes and goes.

[faint humming fades in]

Eiffel: It... kind of sounds like... [nervous chuckle] I almost said it sounded like a heartbeat, but, well, that would be crazy. That would be completely impossible and insane, right, dear listeners? Right?

[long pause]

Eiffel: I guess I could go. You know. L-Leave this alone. Walk away, get some coffee. Maybe see if I can get choir part in Minkowski’s musical extravaganza without getting shot in the face. [pauses] Nah, who am I kidding? I’m gonna go now, dear listeners. I’m gonna go... into box 953. I’m not sure what’s going to happen when I do. I don’t know what exactly is... reserved for me in there. But it seems like something I should know. I need to know. Okay. I’m leaving now, dear listeners. I’ll see ya on the other side.

[box opening in the distance]

[fizzling, then huge rolling explosion and shattering noise]

[sharp static burst]

[static burst]

Eiffel: Listeners, I’m back. I’m back not from the inside of box 953, as I’d hoped, but rather from a long series of complications. It’s been a... long, painful, frankly annoying three hours since I last talked to you. And a lot’s happened. I tried to open box 953. But I found that the lid had not only been set in place, but actually bolted and riveted to the box. In lieu of superhuman strength, I decided to get a crowbar from engineering. I’m guessing I must have only been out of the room for... like a minute or so, before Commander Minkowski came in. Apparently, she was looking for me because she needed a second pair of eyes to tell her if the prop sabre for her Major-General costume was a bit much. [inhales] I... [exhales in frustration] may have... forgotten to put the lid back on box 56. That would be the one with the um, cannon? Well, in her... let’s call it excited state, Commander Minkowski decided that a cannon would be just the thing to liven up the end of the second act of the play. So she decided to test it by drunkenly lighting the fuse, and blowing a hole in the station’s hull. Like you do. Between the air catching fire, and the depressurisation of the storeroom, and – Y’know what, let’s just say that by the time we got her back into the main structure and sealed off that room, practically all of the crates had left the building. And few minutes later, they’d fallen into a decaying orbit around the star! And a few minutes after that, they were incinerated into a pile of ash. Box 953 is gone, dear listeners. It’s gone, and I never found out what was inside of it. Once again, our quarterly talent shows have taken something away from me. Something that I can never, ever get back.

Eiffel: [breathes deeply] I guess I should be... grateful. Commander Minkowski only suffered minimal burns and frostbite injuries, and... once whatever crap Hilbert gave her wears off, should make a full recovery. I guess... I even have new stuff to tease her about, now that she’s unleashed her inner Bob Fosse. And I suppose there’s something to be said about the fact that we didn’t lose the entire station from that hull breach. That we didn’t all die in a blazing inferno. Or suffocate in the blackness of the void. Or freeze to death.

Eiffel: [angrily] But I really wanted to know what was inside box 953, dear listeners! I really wanted to know! [pauses] Ugh, thank god this day is over. From the communications room of the USS Hephaestus, this is Doug Eiffel signing off. Goodnight.

[outro music]

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherr-Ziarko. And the role of Hera was played by Michaela Swee. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by Jared Paul. Tonight’s episode featured “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” from Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan. If you enjoyed tonight’s episode, please consider taking a moment to leave a review on our iTunes page. It’ll only take a moment, and unlike Minkowski’s talent show, will really help to boost morale amongst the crew. Visit us at wolf359.fm, or follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information on our show.

Transcript by @saltssaumure.

#wolf 359 #wolf 359 transcript #podcast transcript #s1e8 #box 953

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amplesalty · 2 years

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Halloween 2022 - Day 2 - Hocus Pocus 2 (2022)

All the 2′s in the pen, come by!

In the words of Jay Zed; fresh out the frying pan and into the fire. I know I had a quick turn around last year with the Netflix New Day special but given this movie only released on September 30th on Disney Plus, 2 days has to be the quickest something has appeared on here. I was going to do it on Day 1 but then the idea of re-doing Freaks took over. Disney Plus doesn’t seem to be the most obvious place to look for Halloween inspired content but they do have a whole section dedicated to it. There’s your usual kids stuff, teens/young adult etc including a movie that literally looks like that one Simpsons joke with the Mummy. “The Professor said he’s not supposed to get a boner!” But there’s a whole bunch of movies on there like the Alien series, Predator, The Fly, Signs, 28 Days Later so it’s another useful resource. I only subscribed fairly recently after a deal came up, I’ve not dedicated much time to it outside of scrolling through and being impressed by all the stuff on there. I have watched a couple of episodes of The Simpsons, Futurama and Bob’s Burgers, plus The Lion King. The original mind you, not that PoS remake. Looking at those two is tempting for some rare non seasonal content, even if it would be some cold takes that everyone and their dog have already made...

It’s been a few years since I watched the original, I didn’t rewatch it going into this but I remember enjoying it and being slightly enamored with SJP in that movie given how cute and ditzy her character is. It didn’t exactly do wonders from a financial or critical perspective but it has certainly gained a big following over the years with TV showings gaining an audience and various live events including a 25th anniversary spectacular. So it’s perhaps not a surprise that a sequel was eventually greenlit, just slightly odd that it went straight to streaming. I know obviously cinemas took a hit over the pandemic and Disney were experimenting with premium releases on Disney Plus of their marquee titles like Mulan and Black Widow but I would have thought things would have normalized by now and they’d be starting to get back to a normal schedule.

I like the touch at the start during the traditional Disney intro where it pans down and starts to take on a darker tone with the music veering off on a more sinister path to match. It sets the tone and better fits the mood, it would be a bit odd to have this spooky movie pre-empted by the usually up beat and colourful castle intro. It ties into the start of the movie as well as the camera pans down, over some trees and into the 17th century Salem where we’re shown younger versions of the Sanderson sisters and the attempts of the local Reverend to banish them from town due to Winifred’s unwillingness to go along with the marriage arranged for her. The only boy she’s interested in marrying is Billy Butcherson, which considering how he ended up during that first movie, if that’s what she does to the guys she likes then good luck to the rest of you.

It really gets the theme of sisterhood in early when the Reverend intends to take Mary and Sarah away, leading to Winifred leading the girls into an escape to the local woods where they’re set upon by a witch who bestows upon them her magic book (creatively named Book) and sets in motion the sisters descent into the dark arts as they immediately go back to town to wreak havoc by setting the Reverends house alight with a bolt of lightning.

But it isn’t long until the Sanderson’s are unknowlingly brought forth once more into the modern era which leads to all manner of ‘fish out of water’ moments akin to the first movie where, in lieu of brooms, Mary and Sarah end up riding Roombas and power mops.

That resurrection sure is loud and colourful as the sisters spring from the earth and promptly break out into a full song and dance number. Now, I know that there was a musical portion in the first movie but that worked in context given it was a means to entrance the grownups so they wouldn’t meddle with their plans, plus it spoke to the vanity that the sisters have. Of course they’d want to get up on stage to be the centre of attention. And I get that when you have Bette Middler that you’re going to have her sing, it’s what she does, but this was the genesis of a feeling throughout the movie that they were just trying too hard with. Like, they’re just really leaning into the whole kookiness angle here as fan service and even that concert moment I mentioned from the first movie gets a re-do here. I remember the original being over the top but there was some menace behind the trio as well that balanced it out. There’s a whole subplot here about the Reverend’s descendant who is the town’s Mayor that never really goes anywhere, though it was nice to see Tony Hale in that role.

There never felt like there was any degree of threat or impending danger, there were actual scuffles between the two sides in the first movie and a big showdown at the end where here the ending felt very anticlimactic. Even the story behind the resurrection seemed kinda dumb because the character involved doesn’t really have much motivation to do it outside of he just thinks the sisters are kinda neat. There’s no sense that he had a phase 2 in this plan as to what he was going to do when they did come back. He’s shown to be knowledgeable on the whole story and, whilst he’s definitely playing up the whole thing as a means to drive business for his magic and trinkets shop, he does seem to be on the level in terms of knowing the story behind the Sandersons and how powerful they can be but it’s like it never occurs to him that they would do anything other than just show up and want to hang out with him. He’s not some evil mastermind who thinks he’s going to use for his own devious ends, he’s just some guy who is like ‘oops’ when they come back and aren’t loyal to him for his part in it.

The movie isn’t bad by any means but it definitely feels like they’re just doing a greatest hits performance to satiate the fanbase that has built up over the last 30 years and I was hoping for a little more given that I liked the first one. Total sequel bait in the post credits as well but if this was the best that they could come up with after 30 years, I don’t think they’ll manage much else in the next 2 or 3.

#Hocus Pocus #Hocus Pocus 2 #Disney Plus

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