#She gets to solve her trauma and I don't because I'm scared of her

[thistleation]

Hi lovely blog and art, just chiming in to say I also think Beatrice is ruthless and that she is portrayed as ruthless in warrior nun, she shot a tranquilizer dart in Ava's neck. Like I guess she expected the other to talk to her and convince her of going with them, but ofc ofc she's the one that not only thought about the scenario in which Ava resisted and tried to escape, she arrived there with a solution, mind you, a swift solution that removed agency from Ava. Also she she asks Vincent is removing the halo would mean Ava would die, she's talking about it like she's discussing the weather. Seeing as she was a nun, I was actually expecting her to be like 'but father Vincent we can't even consider that, because the value of human life bla bla, and this is a innocent human life that got caught in the middle of it all', instead cold as ice sister Beatrice's response to the possibility of killing Ava to retrieve the halo was: 'but the politics though' it actually made me laugh. I mean she was raised by diplomatics/politicians ofc she has concepts like 'optics, church PR' in mind. That actually made me realize that even before being a nun, she's above all, a devoted warrior. Above her supposed catholic ethics and compassion is her absolute, unwavering commitment to The Mission. Beatrice is ruthless and I love that about her. Because after Ava, that ruthlessness, that devotion, all of her skills have shifted and she's loyal to Ava with that same ruthlessness

Yes exactly!

I think all of them can be expected to have a certain level of cavalier attitude towards death as any of them who've been on more than a handful of missions can be expected to have killed in the line of duty.

Beatrice though has her upbringing that plays a role as well.

She's been taught from an early age that her feelings are wrong, and her coping strategies for that trauma are repressing her feelings and cold, emotionless logic.

I don't think S1 Beatrice means to be cold and callous, I think she's quite empathetic underneath, even then. It's just that she's so used to trusting the moral aspect of her actions to the church.

Again, her feelings, her judgement can't be trusted — she's been told as much since childhood — so instead she relinquishes those to a higher authority. And what higher authority is there than the church, the literal embodiment of God's will on earth?

And so Beatrice instead focuses on the tactics, the strategy, the logical breakdown of any situation as a problem to be solved, trusting that the problem that was put in front of her was put there by the church and God and is therefore morally right to solve.

Beatrice only focuses on the line.

And eventually, when the situation gets messier, when her love for Ava grows stronger and stronger, and she finds her personal priorities have shifted because she's finally, finally found something for herself to truly live for, that line is still there, and Beatrice can see it clearly.

I'm fond of saying that one of the sexiest things about S2 Beatrice is that she's prepared to turn her back on the mission and let the world burn if it means saving Ava.

There's this post I saw a good while back that said there's an appeal to being loved by a villain, because a villain can put you first, can choose you even if it means thousands of others die, where a hero can only ever put you second, after the greater good.

Beatrice will put Ava first. Before anything else.

I think she realizes that towards the end of S2. I think it scares her, and I think that's partly what led to the "would you come with me" scene.

But in the end when it comes down to it, she still makes the decision. Fuck the mission and fuck the world if that's what it takes, she puts Ava first.

And I love that for her.

#warrior nun #sister beatrice #avatrice #thank you for the compliment as well! #art has been going better since I came out so here's to hoping you'll see a bunch more from me! #I've got another pirate one I'm working on right now and I *promise* I've not forgotten about the big LB splash page for Casper

[applespider]

The bigggest thing is how q!Baghera doesn't panic throughout the scene with the eggs in purgatory. She has always been very good at staying level headed and watching her reaction is fascinating. Instead of displaying obvious shock or fear (though significant distress), she shows mostly concern, intent on figuring out the eggs' state and focusing on a way they can get them out. Her head seems fairly clear despite this obvious distress (she isn't thinking incredibly rationally either, trying to break the unbreakable blocks over and over, telling the worker to release them multiple times despite not truly believing they will) but she's rolling with the punches as they're thrown. I've talked before about how steady of a character Baghera is, she tends to double down on acting the way she does in a state of normalcy (perhaps to preserve it, perhaps because that's who she is) and it's really cool to see here.

She gets frustrated more than angry, she gets concerned more than scared. It seems that this is her knee jerk reaction to stressful situations. It reads to me as more of a shut down mode, in which she doesn't process the situation at hand entirely to ensure her ability to act quickly and reasonably. It's not time to freak out, it's time to make sure the eggs are okay and see if there's a way to bring them to safety. I don't think she consciously does this, either, and I'm trying so hard not to tie this back to how I think her childhood affected her but that childhood trauma really do be traumaing. She insists the guardian isn't the nice one even when he pretends to be. She plans out the materials she'd need for a boat. This is how she's gotten through situations out of her control before.

And I think there is a particular pain when this does not work. When she is unable to do anything. You hear her voice unravel a bit when the earthquake starts. She feels utterly helpless. It's not as though she's suddenly panicking. What I see most in her in those moments is not fear or anger or even all the way desperation. It's grief. It's budding despair. It's not working. She can't solve this. She doesn't know what to do.

She doesn't stay behind because she has a plan, or even because she thinks she can help. She stays behind because that's all she can do. She needs to be there. She needs to be there to figure something out, to keep trying. Isn't that what got her out the first time? Even if she doesn't remember, her body does. It hurts, it's impossibly hopeless, but struggling against omnipotent powers, no matter how futile, she is good at. Whether she can succeed or not She Will Not Leave Without Her Child.

#qsmp #analysis

[69ottersinatrenchcoat]

I'm so sorry if this is too personal.. You've talked about suicidal ideation before. When you're feeling that way, what keeps you alive?

Gosh, this is… such a good question. And no worries <3 it's not too personal for me.

Cw: mentions of suicide and death (mostly positively)

It'll vary by alter, I'll try to get the others to respond if they're comfortable.. for me (🔥), there's a few.

- Knowing it's my role as the primary protector to keep our body safe to the best of my ability.

- I've always doubted the existence of an afterlife, and truthfully I'm a bit jealous of anyone who can believe there is one. And in doing so, I have no idea what's next.. is it just... an end? do we just decompose as science suggests? does my system get broken up according to their beliefs? do we get reincarnated? does heaven/hell exist..? If so.. where am I going?

Those kinds of questions keep me up at night. I don't like to admit it but I'm afraid of missing out on life, of missing opportunities to grow, to learn, to find out about the others.. to solve the hazy mystery that is our past, and to understand what motivates and drives humans to act the ways they do... and I'm afraid of dying; of the sheer unknown of it. No one who has ever died has ever lived to tell the tale, and that scares and intrigues me in a way I can't begin to explain in any comprehensible way.

And.. the three greatest things that keep me alive...

- our out-of-system friends and family; both the knowledge that our closest friends wouldn't be aware if we died (they're online, I doubt anyone would think to reach out to inform them), and that it would hurt our loved ones far more than a lot of our system realise.

- The knowledge that there isn't just One Of Us. Rock bottom does often appear absolutely bleak, and we have struggled with suicidal ideation on and off since the age of seven, and consistently since twelve. However, in my eyes... it's not really suicide when you know you're a system. The way I see it (and I'm not speaking for everyone in our system, or systems in general), but if I were to kill the body, I'd be killing more than just my conciousness. I'd be taking out not only myself, but my children, the host, our trauma holders; my family, friends, colleagues, and strangers. As I see it, it's closer to mass murder from non-consenting parties than a suicide, even if it appears to be a suicide from the perspective of an outsider. The others have as many thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and reflections on the would as I do. If I wouldn't commit suicide knowing that I would kill several others in the real world, why would I do that to a single body but multiple people? Just my take.

And lastly,

The hope of becoming a psychologist. Every time my mind strays to ending it, I imagine myself sitting in a pale blue cosy room decorated with a small pride flag, mental health posters, cushions and bean bags, speaking with a client. Maybe that client is telling me why they chose to continue living. Perhaps, I'm speaking with them about their worries about their mood. Perhaps we're talking about the weather, or their disability, or how their family didn't accept them for who they are, or how cupcakes are simply muffins with hats.

It could be a conversation about how they're scared they're treating others poorly. Maybe, my client is a small six-year-old girl whose father brought her in because she was struggling with attention in her classes...

Perhaps, they're six, maybe they're sixteen, they could be sixty, or a hundred and six and telling me about their life as a final gift. Whoever they may be... I'm staying for those future lives. For those I can learn from, and potentially, teach.

... Amber being vulnerable on main? What's this, the apocalypse??

#posted by 🔥 #thank you #actually did #actually dissociative #future psychologist #reasons to live #did joy #depression recovery #recovery

[thekimspoblog]

FotD 1:

@joshgoodman: Thinking of some ideas currently; I've had this one circling my head. Somehow kim and Jim find themselves camping out like the kettlemans did (without the stolen money) to avoid being found by (insert threat here). Iris and fille are around 8 and 6 respectively

Me: That'd be cute! Fighting with trying to set up the tent, Kim would probably do most of it; Jimmy's threatening to slip a disk. Fille keeps asking what the hell we're actually doing out here. Iris tells her not to ask stupid questions.

"Iris, don't call your sister stupid"

"I'm not! I said her question was! There's a difference!"

Did they bring any food?

Me: In my timeline, one of the main tragic things is how this life weighs on Kim's sanity. She never really got over the trauma of the cartel following her back in '04, that's when the sheepdog dreams started; that's when she started believing in God, simply because she felt like someone or something was watching her and plotting against her at all times. Especially after Jimmy dies, paranoia really starts to consume her. She becomes a powerful mob boss nearing the end of her life, but no amount of security measures bring her peace of mind. Once Jimmy's out of the picture, things start to get a little Howard Hughes.

But yeah, even while he's around, he is sometimes worried she's getting neurotic, but it's not like he can't empathize; he never stopped looking over his shoulder either. Out here in the woods, every rustle in the grass could be a mountain lion or worse.

Him: They brought enough food for a week, but then they'd have to catch and cook their own. Which Jimmy might have an issue with. I think a mountain lion would be the least of their worries, it can be scared away; a cartel member with a gun/intent to hurt kim/her family isn't as easily scared away.

Me: Why do you think Jimmy would have a problem? Just not very good at hunting/fishing?

Kim considered taking a gun, but they both decided it would create more problems than it would solve. Even if Fille or Iris don't play with it, firing off a wild shot into the bushes could be a really bad idea; they're hiding from the law on fraud/extortion/other non violent charges. If she accidentally shot a cop who was coming to arrest them, now they're both back to looking at life. Not losing custody is always the top priority.

Even killing a "Made" man/woman would just incite retaliation. If the mafia kills them, best to just pray they'll spare the kids. Starting a shoot out would just be loud and dangerous.

I guess if they really believed the kids were in danger, they would have to give them up and leave them with someone, but thankfully it's never come to that.

Him: Based off of Jimmy's character, I'd think he'd have a terrible time hunting and fishing, yea. Also, he might have an issue with killing the animal he's able to retrieve.

I think kim would settle for a bow? Not sure if she has an archery background; iris would LOVE that. Fille could care less. But who would they leave them with, is the question? Mike is dead, so is dawson. The church is questionable

Me: I don't think Jimmy would have a problem killing an animal. He might be squeamish, but he was never a pacifist or vegetarian.

Highly doubt they would have thought to bring archery supplies. If they run out of food, they should just head back into town.

And when all else fails, they always have the option to call a social worker themselves. They REALLY don't want to do that, they've been trying to keep the kids safe off the grid. But nothing is worth endangering their lives. Even Fille would be unhappy in that arrangement.

Pretty sure "My parents only abandoned me because they're traveling con artists. But they promised they were coming back once the mob boss is dead" is foster home for "please beat me up for telling such outrageous lies".

Iris would look out for Fille, but who's looking out for poor Iris?  In the eyes of any conformist parent or teacher, Iris would be labeled a troubled child with behavioral issues. Even if their foster parents accepted their queerness, and that's a big if, nobody's going to listen to their indoctrination about the reasons shoplifting is a public good. Probably end up getting put on Ritalin or some shit.

Still, as long as Iris knew where they came from, why they feel this way all the time,they could at least try to fit in. In the timeline where Iris was born in 2005 and Kim gave them up out of guilt for what happened to Howard, Iris's life was terrible; just grew up confused and angry. Tarzan might not know what a human is, but he would still know he wasn't an ape. Kim saw these futures; even aborting them would be less cruel than leaving them to be raised by someone else. Iris needed their parents; they were the only ones who understood, the only ones who could shape this overgrown hedge of wild energy into a countercultural topiary. No matter what other childhood trauma they absorbed, the worst thing you could ever do is leave them without direction or purpose.

Him: Squeamish, that's the word I was looking for. But if it comes to survival, what wouldn't he do for his family?

Him: I wonder if the social worker would be an option? Kim wouldn't want to put the kids through that, they would find the best option one way or another.

Ah yes, Ritalin. Or as I like to call it, the zombie drug. That shit doesn't work and fuck any doctor who puts kids on it

Me: No matter what happens, at least Iris and Fille have eachother. It's not that Fille can't feel that Wexler-McGill blood in their veins; Fille is different from Iris by choice, not nature. But as the youngest in the family, as the last one always in pool when it comes to mischief, she can see how recklessness never leads to anything good.

Fille is better at pretending to be a "good kid" but she'd still feel deeply alone without her big sibling.

If she was left alone, Fille would probably be a troublemaker too. She's only such a square and a goody-goody because that's the only way she could have rebelled in a family of rebels.

Him: Ah, so fille chooses to be a goody two shoes because that's not what people expect when they see that family.

I don't think they would be apart for long, even separated by the foster care system if it came to that. Those two would always find a way back to each other

Me: Main problem is Jimmy and Kim don't want to admit failure a first time, because CPS is going to be breathing down their neck from then onward. For some reason, as long as the kids are biologically yours, most bizarre parenting choices are accepted as long as the government hasn't already labeled you a bad mother.

When Love Quinn was brought back by Dolores, the thing she wanted most was to see Henry again. But Dante and Lansing are good dads, and showing up in Henry's life now would just upset and confuse him. Admitting that she deserved to lose custody of her son was the hardest thing she's had to do, but it's for the best to just move on, try to be better moving forward.

Him: Do Love and Henry ever reunite? Or are those days behind them?

Me: Probably when Henry is older.

Iris probably would ask for archery lessons after reading the Hunger Games. Iris was always outdoorsy, but this probably is just a phase.

Him: What kind of phase would fille go through, if you had to guess?

Me: Well both siblings do have an interest in music. Iris learned to play the guitar from Jimmy; Fille would probably go ahead and find herself a piano teacher.

Him: I feel like iris would also take an interest in drums, maybe?

Me: Sounds about right.

I mean Jimmy and Kim want to encourage their hobbies. This is what the money is for.

Him: Iris would take an interest in archery, drums, and guitar while fille does piano, and maybe...swimming?

Me: Yes Fille loves the ocean. Probably cus of that goldfish soul.

Him: Ooh! Kayaking!

Me: I think Iris would be more into motor boats

Him: Boats are fun. Maybe they could take a vacation to the great lakes/some type of beach.

FotD 2:

Me: I guess yesterday I was also thinking about them making a big score, and then taking the kids shopping for new clothes. The kids complain, but it's still fun dressing them up like little dolls.

Him: I didn't think iris would go for that? Maybe fille

Me: Well Iris has always loved dress up, but plain clothes shopping is always a little boring for kids.

Me: Kim saying "Try this one on. It's a little bit big but you'll grow into it... hmm no; that's actually too big, you'll be tripping and face planting all over"

Me: But yes, those two love shopping for the family. I mean Jimmy and Kim have been eachothers gay best friend stereotypes since all the way back to law school, but the last time they actually spent a substantial amount of money like this was a few years ago at Babies-R-Us. Since leaving the church, it's mostly been consignment shops. Nothing fancy that wasn't secondhand.

Which is why they want to get each of the four of them a new outfit that will last for next few years

Him: I don't think jim + kim would contribute to chains if they didn't have to. Always choosing places like goodwill over walmart

Me: Nah they'd still go somewhere nice. Kim's love for shiny things outweighs her communist sympathies.

She wants to pretend she's not materialistic, but low-maintenance bitches don't drink thousand dollar tequila or wear real gold.

I mean Goodwill is fine and all, but this is Prada man! She's only human!

Honestly Kim's hypocrisy with how she identifies with class I think is a really interesting facet of her personality.

This is why wealth redistribution campaigns always fail: first of all, in order to adequately navigate the upper class, the revolutionary already typically needs a middle class education or better. And second, even if an army does manage to steal from the rich, the leader finds it hard to actually give those winnings to the poor instead of just pocketing it. Kim hates rich people... except for herself; that person is a lucid and benevolent matriarch who DESERVES to be managing the money!

#FotD #mcwexler parenthood au #slippin kimmy

[breakfastteatime]

Here we go! Breakfast Tea's (vaguely) coherent Survivor Thoughts!

Spoliers under the cut. You have been warned.

Cal - HOW MUCH TRAUMA CAN YOU PUT ONE PERSON THROUGH?!?!?! My heart aches for him. When the game tells you to use his dark side powers in the third act, I absolutely refused, hoping the game would auto-continue because I refused to engage. NOPE! NO CHOICE. And okay, yeah, it was A LOT of fun but ow ow ow ow ow. He needs SO MUCH TIME to heal. The end of the game hit so hard because it feels so heavy and uncertain. We don't leave off with Cal feeling hopeful for the future. He admits he's scared, oh, and by the way, STILL TAPPED INTO THE DARK SIDE. Throughout the whole story, he just goes and goes and takes blow after blow, and then it ends with him hearing Cere. Watch me write fanfic set after the game in which I send Cal off on his own because REASONS. Ahem, anyway!

CANON JEDI CANNOT COOK AND ALSO DRINK TEA, THANK YOU.

BD-1 - BD remains the best droid. The BEST. He is always there for Cal, and he's so happy to see Cordova. And when he hugs Cal after Cere dies? *sobbing* Also, it did NOT escape my notice that the option to EMBRACE THE DARK SIDE comes up after Bode punts BD across the chamber. I LOVE THIS LITTLE DROID SO MUCH.

Echoes - I love how the echoes work in this game. The entire quest starts out partially because Cal finds an echo. Some echoes are visualised, and you can re-experience them, which is nice to see in canon. Cal also walks through Dagan's memory which intrigued me. Basically, they remain completely integral to both Cal and the wider narrative.

Also, as a game, it is just a lot of fun to play. There are puzzles that make you feel clever for solving them. Combat was fun and exciting, I loved all the lightsaber forms, and I have learned that I am over-reliant on Slow in JFO. Honestly, it's all still buzzing in my head. I need to replay it at a much slower pace now that I can relax about spoilers.

The Mantis Crew - While I knew they would've all gone their separate ways, it was still a lot to take in. It makes sense to me (Greez isn't cut out for this, Merrin wants to see the galaxy, and Cere's longing to reclaim the Jedi's legacy), and I'm glad everyone got together eventually, but I missed their vibe... At least we got flashbacks!

Cere - Absolutely devastated at her loss. She was Cal's mentor and therefore basically doomed by Star Wars law (she's the Obi-Wan), but it absolutely destroyed me. And it destroyed Cal, too. Cal, who was hanging by a thread for so much of this. Losing her, and the way he lost her, was too much for him. I wanted to see more of her SO MUCH, but I understand why we didn't. Ooof, I'm not getting over that anytime soon. I got my wish to play as her (and yes, she's WAY stronger than Cal), but... but...

Bode - I had a strong feeling he would betray Cal, but I had no idea WHY. It was a really nice touch and worked really well. His motivations make perfect sense, and they aren't some galaxy-bending quest to rule over others - he's just a father desperate to protect his daughter. I *love* how this series tells personal stories in the midst of such *literal* spectacle. Cal chasing after him, everything that's happening because Bode's a traitor... ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. And then the end, when Cal kills him to save himself and Merrin? GoodBYE. Oh, and now I'm walking around finishing up missions and there are NEW ECHOES EVERYWHERE that come from Bode.

Cordova - WHAT?!?!?! I screamed, I cried, first when he turned up, and then again when he died. Agony. I am in AGONY. I can barely think about the game right now without breaking down. Also loved the reference to Qui-Gon Jinn, although I also think that makes Cordova a lot younger than I've been headcanoning? Oh well!

Merrin - She remains so much fun. Her and Cal's relationship wasn't what I wanted, but it was handled well enough. The whole fight with the two of them against the giant drill was AMAZING. I absolutely loved the visualisation of her warping power. Oh, and when they take shelter from the sandstorm, and she holds his hand while he's having a nightmare? Perfect. While I would've preferred the two of them remaining friends, them being together doesn't bother me too much.

Greez - he is just so worried for Cal. HE MADE UP A ROOM FOR CAL IN HIS CANTINA AND MAKES HIM TAKE A NAP AND THEN WAKES HIM UP LIKE OLD TIMES YES I AM ALREADY COOKING UP A FANFIC FOR THIS I CAN'T HELP IT. I love how he's always checking in with Cal, making sure he's okay, telling him VERY firmly it is not his fault when Cere dies. Oh no, here I go again, can't stop crying...

Koboh - I love that town and building it up. I'm nowhere near finished yet, and in no rush to do so.

Finale - it took me a while to really sit and take that ending in. In recent years, we've become so used to second parts of trilogies not really having dark and uncertain endings that it really hit me how bleak it initially feels. We are leaving Cal still mourning, still struggling with his own darkness, still hurting... and that works. It works because he isn't finished growing and learning. He's a survivor, but he's a long, long way from thriving. The ending fits. It hurts. Everything hurts. But that story got the only ending that fit how dark it is.

Hey. Hey, Sequel Trilogy. THIS IS HOW YOU TELL A COHESIVE STORY ACROSS MULTIPLE PARTS.

HATE VADER'S REDEMPTION EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DID, THANK YOU.

#star wars jedi: survivor #jedi survivor spoilers

[eerna]

I really like your response to the anon asking about what are the strengths of TFOTA. I think you nailed it regarding how Holly Black hit it out of the park, and I’m curious if you can expand on what you think some of the series missteps were. (TFOTA is an all-time fave for me, but nothing is perfect!)

For me, I think the way she structures her books into different parts does make them drag a little (especially some parts of the middle of The Wicked King). Like sometimes it feels like characters are spinning their wheels a bit while she’s setting everything up for the plot, but I ultimately don’t mind this because her plots are so well executed.

As always, love your breakdowns and critiques so just curious to hear more!

Ayyy thanks, glad you agree! :D

OO yes I heard that as an often critique of her stuff! I do think you're right and the slowness is present, but to me it's not an issue since the characters are fun enough for me never to be bored. I'm the kind of reader who can enjoy the slowest thing imaginable as long as the characters interest me.

Structured like the strengths post, my main issues. 1) The YA writing style of overexplanation. These books are sometimes great at leaving things unsaid, but other times they beat you over the head with the same thing over and over again or go into explanations for stuff you'd think is understood. Example: Jude constantly repeating it is messed up she lives with the guy who killed her parents in book 1. Like. Okay. We know. Trust us we didn't forget it's wrong to kill people and steal their kids. Of course, her constantly thinking about her trauma is part of her character, but it can be expressed in different ways - examples of how this was done well were "I love Madoc, I could love anyone" or "I get scared and I remember the smell of my mother's insides". 2) The repeating stuff from my list of pros... where it doesn't belong. Sometimes characters do or say stuff because HB wants them to do or say them bc she likes to write about it, but it makes NO sense. This was my main issue with TSH - for example, there is absolutely no reason for Oak and Suren's relationship to draw parallels with Jude and Cardan's to the point of repeating phrases, because they are so different that it jerks me right out of the story being told. 3) The editor is asleep on the job. There are quite a few basic editing errors - the amount of times characters smile or grin per page, and the continuity errors. This is the most frustrating aspect because it is so easy to solve!!!!! Just read it once more and click delete!!!! 4) Sometimes HB's "let's go back and elaborate on something from the past to give it a new dimension" works great, and sometimes it makes no sense. Examples: the Ghost betraying Jude because he was forced to, Locke being an Undersea collaborator and a gancanagh. 5) Taryn. She gets her own point because I love her and it's so unsatisfying how she ended up. She spends 2 books girlbossing and being such a sympathetic traitor, then gets pregnant and decides to stop being the worst offscreen and never does another plot relevant thing again. I don't know if HB got tired of her or if she realized everyone hated her and decided to sideline her so people would stop yelling, but MAN is it such a standout bad conclusion among a sea of good ones. 6) JUSTICE FOR OAK GREENBRIAR MY SHORT KING he was always described as tiny and underdeveloped for his age RIGHT up until he became a love interest, when he SUDDENLY started towering over everyone while still overflowing with short king energy. This is a joke to end the list on a happy note but also I would pay for a version of TSH where my monster girl has to lean down to kiss her bf

#eggtina #eernask #eernask talk tfota

[you-usuratonkachi]

about El's character arc and Mike's monologue

so i went back to rewatch the parts of the show that had Mike and El and El and Brenner, because I had noticed parallels between Mike and Brenner, and I wanted to single those scenes out to make sense of them. I might have gotten what they were trying to do with that...? Maybe. I'm not sure myself because the whole thing is kinda convulted, but hear me out.

The whole issue with Eleven this season is a fundamental insecurity: she does not feel like she's worth it without her powers. She doesn't know how to live as Jane. Not to mention she is having flashbacks/dreams about something she might have done in the past that she forgot.

So before Mike comes to California she's already feeling vulnerable.

She lies to Mike in her letters because she feels like she lost the only interesting part of herself (the part that she feels Mike likes her for) and she tries to make up for it by telling him that everything is fine and dandy and she has lots of fun and she's popular and everything she feels like he might like in a girl (who does not have powers).

When she strikes Angela, she triggers her own trauma.

It's her highest insecurity moment.

She's scared that she might have done something far worse than stricking Angela. Mike is already freaking out over a "small" cut, how would he react if he knew she had murdered children at Hawkins lab instead?

She was hanging onto the hope that none of it was true, that it was just some kind of nightmare, but seeing Mike take it so badly fueled her insecurities: she feels like a monster.

He says he "cares" for her, not love. Not like last season. Because she has no powers anymore? Because now she just strikes bullies in their faces? Because she is not able to make them pee their pants anymore? She's not cool anymore, she's just scary.

So when he says "you're a superhero" she does not believe him. Because she doesn't believe in herself either.

Was the issue truly stemming from Mike?

I think all considered he had a fair reaction. Kinda insensitive towards her feelings but fair. No matter how shitty Angela was, what El did was not cool either. So I know it's not a popular opinion and we all think Angela deserved it, but Mike has quite an adult reaction to it. Insensitive towards El's feelings, but fair. He basically calls her out for her bad behavior at the dinner table (albeit a bit passively aggressively... 😅).

It's not that Mike was scared of her, he was displeased with her behavior (plus the fact that she lied to him the whole time).

What she thinks she saw in him, it's what she saw in herself. She's projecting her insecurities.

(Now, while this is true, it doesn't change the fact that Mike couldn't say ILY when she needed it the most. Would it have solved the problem? Probably not, but perhaps she would have opened up to him about how she truly felt. But he couldn't say it anyway).

Later in the show, she starts training with Brenner and she has a whole conversation about Monsters and Superheros.

He says that people cannot be so easily defined and just by accepting the bad and the good we can become whole. To which she answers "what if I don't want to become whole?"

She does not want to accept the bad in herself, because she wants to be able to stay a superhero.

Later she learns that it wasn't her that killed the other kids in the lab and she realizes that the only reason why she opened the gate at all was because Brenner made her search for One. It wasn't her, it was him. So she rebels against him. Asks him if he even cared about the children.

He says he loved all of them. That he tried to help and understand Harry because...

So Brenner manipulated and abused her to get One back. So she would somehow open the gate. It was not her. It was him. He's the monster.

With this and by leaving Brenner behind, she finally feels like, after all, she might still be that superhero she wanted to be.

So yeah, rethinking the whole situation with El and Benner, I do feel like what Mike told her in the monologue was actually what she wanted to hear.

Because when she argues that she wants to go save her friends, Brenner tells her:

"you came to me broken, but you've learned how to walk again. but if you want to defeat one, you'll have to do more than walk. more than run. you will need to fly"

He's doubting that she can do that.

On the other hand, when Mike calls out to her as she fights Vecna, he says:

"you can fly, you can move mountains."

which is in direct contrast with what Brenner told her. So Brenner didn't believe she could do it. Mike did.

he ends it with "you're my superhero" which is what she wanted to be.

So, in truth, the monologue wasn't THAT bad. There is some sort of continuity with the storyline. While Mike did not evolve at all and told her exactly what he told her the first time (minus the ILY), El did change.

In that moment, coincidentally, it might have been exactly what she wanted to hear.

Except she loses. Max isn't saved (or I guess partially) nor Vecna truly defeated.

Brenner was right. She wasn't ready.

In the last ep, after the time skip, Will asks Mike if she talked to him at all. Mike says no, then corrects himself and says "a little" and right after that Mike and Will sit down and Mike tells him that she told him that Brenner was right, that she hadn't been ready.

So the parallels between Brenner and Mike are basically about one person who didn't believe in her and one person who did. Except the person who didn't believe turned out to be the one in the right.

So right now it doesn't really matter whether Mike loves her or not, the same way it did not matter whether Brenner loved them or not. At the end of the day, Brenner failed them all (which is why she does not acknowledge him as he dies). At the end of the day, whether she is Mike's superhero or not, she failed Max.

"There's more to life than stupid boys" because after all this wasn't about Mike. It was never about Mike. It was her trauma, her insecurities, her feelings projected onto Mike.

This said, while Mike's monologue perhaps had some kind of sense after all, it also failed in so many ways.

1. Yes El was projecting mostly, but the fact that Mike cannot name a single quality of hers that isn't her powers is also very true (bad writing? I guess even the writers forget that she's an actual person and not just their magic caster) so it's not surprising that between Brenner and Mike she doesn't feel like she has any worth without her powers

2. He still couldn't say ILY when she needed it the most and his excuse for it still sucked balls. Truly. Especially because he was never shown to be angsty about losing her for shit. He (the writers?) just pulled that out of his (their?) ass. Bad writing once again? Possible.

3. Mike quoted Will's confession and basically responded to it, thinking that was what she wanted to hear.

Everything else I can shrugg of as partial bad writing, but the parallel about "needing" after Will reminds Mike that he's the heart and therefore about his whole confession and therefore about the fact that El will always need him is not random. It was intentional. The whole thing hurting Will was intentional. They made it a point to show him throughout the monologue because his feelings are important for the plot, I assume.

So yes, I do believe that the monologue could say almost whatever because it wasn't supposed to work. The point of it all, it's that it failed. It's that by the time everything is done and is over, El realizes that it wasn't Mike, it was her all along. It's not Mike that has to believe in her. It's herself.

She has to find herself, accept herself as a whole, with or without powers. Believe that she's the superhero herself.

She doesn't need to hear that from Mike.

She does not need him.

This is where her arc is truly going. Her entire plotline it's about learning that she's sufficient. That she does not need to be validated or pushed by anyone else.

She did not need papa to love her. And she does not NEED Mike to love her either. She needs to love HERSELF.

This is what she's ultimately learning in this last part of the story.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

What she's learning and what Mike wants right now go in opposite directions (he wants her to need him). She's working on herself but he's suck in whatever his issue is. Either inferiority complex or internalized homophobia or general insecurities or all of the above.

What does this say about M*leven and where they are ending up? I'm not sure. It all depends on how Mike develops next season, truly. Will he be able to develop with her or will she ultimately decide that she's better being on her own as she finds herself?

Plus let's not forget that while everything might feel linear and orderly and very sensible written down like this, I have taken out one important piece from the picture, so that I could single out her journey, because that piece is not part of her journey, but is very much part of Mike's. And visually? It's been part of M*leven's journey throughout the season: Will.

After all, Brenner was still El's catalyst for her character development, while Mike was kind of collateral demage.

I think ultimately, Mike's catalyst will be Will (and viceversa). Because it kinda... always has been.

The writers made it a point to hammer Will in our heads throughout the season. Even if El's journey makes sense and so does M*leven, the visuals kept reminding us of Will over and over.

The monologue quoted Will's confession and this will have repercussions.

Lies were told and sooner or later the truth always finds ways to come out.

I think ultimately, Mike being sincere or not is still in question, because despite the whole narrative following through for his monologue, he just so happened to say what he thought she wanted to hear. And he thought so because 1. she said she wanted him to say ILY 2. she told him she was gonna be a superhero again 3. he believed what Will told him

The fact that he was only able to confess to her when she was on the verge of death? Still true. The fact that he thought that she wouldn't "like the truth"? Still true. The fact that he has behaving out of character with Will? Still true.

Even more than before, after analyzing the whole thing, I'm convinced that it's a mediocre confession because it was supposed to be.

Because ultimately what El learns from it, is that she thought she needed it, but she didn't.

#byler #eleven #jane hopper #i don't know what to tag exactly #so that I don't make people upset #but yeah #i think she's going through an amazing journey #I don't know whether Mike will be in it as a significant other at the end of it #it really all depends on Mike's character arc #will they finally show us HIS perspective next season? #there's so much that is up in the air with him #but if Will is gonna be center next season you bet everything you want that Mike is gonna be under the spotlight #'cause he's the heart #of course #his character arc is inherently connected with will's #I strongly believe that

[itburnslikeafire]

Okay so, now that we've watched Exaltation, I think that I understand much better now what's gonna happen in Transmission (Kwami's choice part 1)

Brief recap of the ending of Exaltation: Marinette ended up really hurt with the fact that she can't be with Chat Noir neither because it's just as dangerous as being with Adrien (according to her), because of her almost getting akumatized

And Adrien is also very conflicted at first because he's aware that he can't be with Marinette as Chat Noir because it wouldn't be right that he knows who she is but she doesn't, and he must also be aware of the fact that he knows her and he's her friend in his civilian form and he just doesn't want to fool her like that and take advantage of it (and adding the fact that now he knows Marinette used to be in love with him, as Adrien Agreste, meaning his civilian form is her ex-crush, as far as he's aware)

But his conversation with Plagg makes him think/realize that Marinette could end up falling in love with him again, as Adrien. So he'll surely try to win her love back, in his civilian form.

Now, talking about Transmission, we know he's gonna go to her house at least twice in this episode

I'm still not quite sure of the theory that Marinette was missing school (which would make sense due to how she's been feeling) and that's why he goes to her place, but it is certain that, whatever is the reason of his visit, he will take this opportunity to try to open up with her about his feelings and start trying to be with her, but as Adrien. So he goes to her place, but finds out she threw away pictures of him

Of course Adrien will find this painful, but he certainly won't give up and still goes and declares his feelings for Marinette, telling that he loves her just the way she is (I imagine they probably had a conversation before this, where Marinette tries to explain why them being together is a bad idea, and/or how she always screws everything up when she's around him, and that's why he tells her that)

And, for what we've seen on the trailer, Marinette answers him "I don't love you" (and probably a bunch of hurtful things)

Which, of course, we know it's a lie, she never stopped loving him, but she's so scared of making any more mistakes, and it is certain that her almost akumatization in Exaltation made her fear and her trauma get bigger. So she decides to push him away, and make sure he believes that they truly don't have any chance of being together. So surely Adrien will return home heartbroken, just as Marinette will also be heartbroken. Plagg and Tikki will then notice how painful the situation is for both of them, and how their superhero duties and all of the secret identities stuff are making them unhappy because it doesn't allow them to be together. And that's when they make the decision to take away from them their miraculous and look for other holders, so Adrien and Marinette can happily be together.

(i believe they won't feel much better after this because we're aware of how they feel about their kwamis and being superheroes, on the good side I mean, but anyways)

Then, the next day, Adrien goes to Marinette's place again (maybe she skipped classes again, or maybe he just wanted to solve things between them, who knows), and she's putting Adrien's pictures back on her wall, probably because now she knows there's a chance of her being able to be with Adrien without any problems

When he comes into her room, she apologizes for the things she told him the night before, telling him that she didn't mean it, she was just feeling very down

His answer makes me think that she probably did admitted to him at some point of their last conversation that she does have feelings for him, or used to have (I'm quite confused with this part, but oh well), and she says that it isn't that, and tries to tell him she is indeed in love with him (but as usual, she finds it hard to say it out loud to him). And I believe that they will have a heart-to-heart conversation where Adrien makes absolutely clear that he truly likes her a lot, that he wants to be in a relationship with her, and that even though she may not be perfect, he (again) loves her just the way she is, and doesn't expect her to be anything else, that their love doesn't truly do any harm. And Marinette probably will give in into this taking into account she isn't Ladybug anymore at this point, and that now her love for Adrien can't truly end up in something catastrophic like in Strike Back, due to her not having any superhero responsibilities anymore. So she agrees and let's herself love Adrien and be open to be in a relationship with him.

Now, I'm not quite certain if they'll start dating in this episode or not, because as far as we can be aware, surely in Deflagration (Kwami's choice part 2) or Perfection they'll return to be Ladybug and Chat Noir again, but I believe there is a high chance that they'll at least give it a go, specially Marinette, that will probably learn that she can't let her fear make her repress her own emotions and not allow her to be happy with the boy she loves, so she will try to make things work with Adrien despite the fact of her being Ladybug/Guardian and the whole Monarch situation. And if this is the case, I truly don't expect that the reveal is going to happen here. I believe that the reveal will happen at the end of the season. Marinette and Adrien will most likely start dating first (as their civilian forms) and get to know each other better (and see how that goes) without knowing each other's identities.

I'm excited to see how their relationship evolves and how they'll manage with the whole Monarch situation and secret identities thing still going on. But I expect lots of drama for sure hehe

#miraculous ladybug #mlb #mlb s5 spoilers #mlb spoilers #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #adrinette #adrienette #chat noir #ladybug #miraculous transmission #transmission #miraculous kwami's choice #kwami's choice #deflagration #miraculous deflagration #miraculous exaltation #exaltation spoilers

[pastafossa]

Pasta I have a question (it may be a dumb one). Maybe I missed something, if Matt felt Jane on accident why didn't she reach out on purpose if she knew he was worried? Is her third eye still wonky because of the boar incident?

Not a dumb question at all! He did feel her on accident, and it's true she didn't reach on purpose. Her not reaching was a combination of a couple things, two of which are kinda clue-ish but I don't feel like it's wrong to point at them since it's an ongoing thing, and I kind of want people to be wondering why she's not reaching for Matt on purpose (and I wasn't sure if I made them clear enough anyway so I'm fine talking about it):

It's true that her third eye's a little out of whack at the moment. She'd already had to open it twice (once for the toy, once for the snake) for the day so she's mostly just minimizing how much more she uses so she avoids a headache.

These next two are clues so I'm going to get a little vague. First: she had her brain bounced around inside her skull like a ping-pong ball, so she's not thinking all that straight at the moment, and is heavily concussed. She's said a couple things in the past few chapters (👀 oh look some more slipups) that have broken her pattern and seem to be a little more open and reckless than normal. While this is typical for someone with a concussion, it's unfortunate for her since it means her filter and thought process aren't quite working as well as they should. She absolutely thought Matt would be pissed by her being casual, but in her rattled brain, reassuring him on the phone would make him less worried because hey, she just had to say 'I'm fine' like in the thread, right?

Second, and related to the above - the denial/trauma boar scared Jane, badly, and brought up a whole lot of bad memories. Generally what she does when something scares her or brings back that trauma is take off. She can't do that here, obviously, so what does she do? For now, avoid the boar and also avoid reaching, since the thread's developed a habit of dumping her ass in the river world the second she tries to reach for Matt, and the river world sure does seem to belong to the trauma boar at the moment. She's also absolutely repressing any awareness that she's avoiding it, because that's just what she does - if she can't get rid of the problem and she can't run, she ignores it. She buries it. For the time being, that includes burying any thought of, 'hey I should reach for Matt' when she could call instead. Whether this will solve itself as she heals remains to be seen!

#the red thread #*waves upwards* #these are essentially three of the factors we're playing with right now #I tried not to spoil anything BUT #because her defense mechanism is avoiding thinking about things i'm not sure how to make it super clear that she's doing this just yet #so i don't mind talking about it #basically her brain got rattled and so she's falling back on the old standby of 'that thing scares me imma pretend it's not there' #which matt's going to ask her about later and try to pin her down on

[hexitca]

Saffron - Cult of the Lamb OC

Hey~ while I suffer trying to learn how to draw animals again, here's some basic info on Saffron. All this is basic info and my design (and this info) might change for her but right now I'm just sharing what I got.

Name: Saffron

Age: 30 (appears younger like 18-early 20s - basically based on me and my baby face lmao)

Weight: 120 lbs

Height: 5'5

Body Build: Hourglass with a slightly pear shape (the fluff can hide it)

Appearance: Heart shaped face, and delicate features. Short messy wavy hair/wool - keeps it short on her body due to it being easier to fight. Will just wear layers of clothing in winter.

Distinguishing mark/article of clothing: Her scared neck from when her head was chopped off by the Bishops - she wears a high collar to cover the bandages underneath. Her Bell rarely comes off also. She's very sensitive about it and by sensitive I mean she'll beat the shit out of you in a blind rage if it's mentioned.

Voice: Husky. Due to the trauma of her neck (and vocal cords) and she's a heavy smoker

(more under readmore)

Personality:

Okay, so this is still in the development stages but basically:

Good: Resistant, Brave, Stubborn (if knocked down, will get back up again), fierce, logical and uses Reason in her problem solving, Loyal (but it takes A LOT to get to that point with her)

Bad: Brash, Impulsive, Rude and Blunt, SHORT- TEMPERED,

Mega personality trait:

Negativism- chronically complaining, whining, and criticizing everything.

She can be a brat and hates not getting her way. It's mostly due to her uncontrollable anger issues and trauma of being the last of her kind. Her good traits get lost due to this. As she grows and lets people in she finds a balance but this is after a WHILE.

Insincere - not honest in the expression of actual feelings.

She fakes a lot of her emotions (other than her anger) because she's kinda of an asshole and assholes don't get a lot of followers in a cult (we'll that's debatable but Saffron doesn't WANT to be an asshole). She will mask her actual feelings and just do things because it means follower faith approval and yada yada. This changes also but again, takes a WHILE for when she gets to that point.

You can also see this as a survival tactic also. She might have the power of the Red Crown but she's also a target by unworldly beings so there you go.

That's all I got so far!

#my art #cult of the lamb oc #cotl #cult of the lamb #ill always tag her as cult of the lamb oc so if you wanna black list that there you go #im having so much fun lol

[bunnymermaidwrites]

@writerfae

Here's the promised rant!

Okay, this is a... not actually that long of a rant, but I don't really have smart words rn (oc thoughts, yes, smart words, no🙈 so I might give a second rant when I'm less tired)

I have just been thinking about Ákos trying to process his trauma through play and stories that he loves (and it's adorable!)

I just love his way of thinking, the way he processes, sees things through the lens of stories while still being smart enough to somewhat know that irl is more complicated than that.

Here's a fun fact: Ákos has always been interested in the Black swamp! He has a book of spooky stories about it (that's how he kinda knew what he should do when encountering certain monsters)

And can we talk about this:

In the aftermath (for the first few months) Ákos usually sleeps with someone else (their parents or Adél), but before they figured out that they should be doing that, Ákos woke up at night, but he was too scared to get out of bed and go look for someone, so he just laid awake for hours, not getting enough sleep, and basically spent the days stumbling around from tiredness until Adél was like: okay, no, we're solving this! Dragged him into her room and stayed with him for hours until he got enough sleep (which was hard because he kept waking up from his nightmares)

AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW SMART MY SON IS?! There's an interesting connection between Odette and Ákos: they are the two smartest people in the group.

One time, when he was really little Ákos told Odette that he wants to be as smart as her one day. She tells him that he'll be even smarter. And she's right, actually. The only reason it's not obvious yet is because he's still young.

#Henry seeing Ákos's favorite book like: #is this part of the ptsd or is this normal #writeblr #wip: from up high to down low #writers on tumblr #oc: adél #oc: ákos

[onlineproblems]

@jjohnnyutah okay I'm out of the shower. here goes, the xfiles word vomit

i wish i remembered more of season 1 and i guess 2 but i started watching like a year ago and i wasnt sure how i felt about it at the time and sort of half paid attention to the majority of the episodes. i plan to rewatch anyway but most of my excitement for the show peaked around mid-late season 2, when i felt like i knew what was going on (that didnt last) and i understood the dynamics between all the characters.

nobody could ever guess /s but i ADORE scully. i love and identify with her repressed catholic/survivors guilt and inability to express herself and the way she puts too much of herself into a quest that wasn't even hers to start with. and then finally opens up and leaves her shell and gets to be silly later in the show with a wry, dry humor that complements mulder's goofiness.

i think the baby arc is one of the dumbest things i've ever seen (not that i've seen all of it yet, but jesus it's so dumb). maybe it's because i'm a bitter childless hag but i dont relate to her intense desire to have children and i feel like when she got pregnant the writers absolutely mauled her personality to death. ffs they already put her through every other torture they could devise, why not a lobotomy? everyone knows motherhood makes you weak-willed and stupid. i mean im exaggerating but it's because the anger is fresh lol.

I'm so so scared to watch the revival because i don't want it to warp my nostalgic understanding of the characters. i love them and want them to live forever in a little bubble in Vancouver, fighting the moth men (yes that ep was so good) and getting up to shenanigans while CSM and Krycek does his incompetent bullshit off to the side.

I've seen several people talk about Jewish Mulder and i think the idea makes a lot of sense, and didn't they even reference it a time or two in the show? like the ep with the golem? i got mad when they gave him a Christian burial lol.

i like mulder's appreciation for the beauty in the weird and how he doesn't give a shit for what anyone thinks of him except Scully. i like that he's so wrapped up in the wonders out there but is also staunchly atheistic.

i didn't want Samantha's disappearance to be solved because it seemed like such a trite ending to mulder's trauma and the ultimate mystery in his life. i guess it was a good enough solution, but her abduction was what fueled him and gave him meaning and to wrap it up with a bow felt...idk, dismissive almost. i wanted closure for him but not necessarily answers. if your life's meaning is to search for answers, and suddenly you can have all the answers to the universe, where do you find meaning then? I may not be making sense lmao

and i think that's when i enjoy the x files most, when it's not trying to package things all neatly. maybe it's trying to ask a question, or maybe it's just trying to have fun, or both, but it's not trying too hard. the mythology is too much for me and frankly detracts from my enjoyment of... it. they wanted something epic and mysterious and then couldn't make any sense out of their own cryptic bullshit.

self-contained episodes like clyde bruckman, asking a question about determinism and big stuff like that without getting preachy or condescending, are excellent.

there's a hundred other things i could say but... that's enough for now lol.

[tavina-writes]

Got on lunch break to discover that the DiscourseTM today is victim blaming Madam Qin for not somehow preventing JGY and Qin Su's marriage because apparently she could've told someone else other than JGY about the incest thing, and now I'm salty so lets look at her options for who to tell:

tell your husband his friend raped you and that your daughter's actually JGS's bastard. Hope He Believes You. <- now she had gone over a decade and counting without telling her husband so one maythinks this was not the option she was into for various reasons

tell your daughter her "father" actually isn't her father and actually JGS raped you so she's actually JGS's daughter and she has the hots for her half brother <- entirely useless actually if the engagement's already been approved of by both the Qin and Jin sides, this again reroutes back to 1) tell your husband which for some reason again, she has not done for decades! Option Two also has the traumatize Qin Su forever ever ever bonus points and may not stop the wedding! wooo!

tell JGS that Qin Su is his daughter. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING RANCID. also would he believe you? you're accusing him of rape! also! lmao! this man gave you trauma for a reason! lmao! lmao!

Tell JGY who might be able to be like "WELL I DONT WANNA GET MARRIED TO HER!" and solve this problem. He might even have a sympathy. No one is traumatized. except JGY who has a narrow "oh fuck nearly married my half sister!" scare, like she didn't KNOW Qin Su and JGY fucked already since that was a scare deterrent for if someone tried to stop their marriage further.

idk maybe I'm not computing something because I don't think blaming Madam Qin for not handling this well is at all reasonable because again 1) she has horrific trauma due to literally being raped by JGS why does she even have to handle it well but also 2) none of her other options were remotely better?????

#this isn't really meta but like #my meta #Madam Qin #Qin Su #Jin Guangyao #Meng Yao #jesus christ which part of this could've been handled well #also can we blame JGS some more since HE actually is to blame for this shitty set of circumstances #can't believe this topic of discourse tbh #also telling JGY bad news and or things that are not 200% positive is not actually a crime #he was a grown man by then #this wasn't ACTUALLY a scheme out to get him #in as much as it was JGS being literally the worst human being alive #again #you know as JGS is

[kraken-o-doyle]

Now that COP2 is done, the only thing that I currently look forward to is BOLAS2 and unfortunately until it finishes and there are sequels to either book, I'm gonna stop reading choices. Cause let's be honest here we do not have that many great books releasing. (The Dalton affair rehashed- not my cup of tea)

It is sad but there are amazing books worth rereading once in a while; open heart, bloodbound, desire and decorum and the first blades. (among other awesome books)

Though I am currently rereading literally every book from 2017-2020 choices era. And they did well? with COP and Blades. (don't even get me started on Trystan Thorne-best love interest since Jax Matsuo-for me personally)

I love the dynamic between MC and Trystan; they actually appear to be equals and love each other deeply.(unlike a few books)

Jax and MC route; jeez the trauma for both of them; she was killed with Jax's sword by Gaius and his mentor was murdered by the same person. So I think they connect more. 🤷

______________

Theory A is for a potential COP 3; is that MC is gonna wake up in Trystan's apartment and when going to check their partners side of the bed she will remember that Trystan is literally King in another country thousands of kilos away and that little bit of bonus scene at the end is just a dream/hope that it was real.

And by that point she hadn't seen Trystan in almost a year. MC settling into the now kings/queens apartment and solving crimes on her own as she refuses to take a partner that isn't their Trystan. And maybe they both are scared of calling the other because they think the other is mad and so a year passes with no communication.

Theory B, MC reopens her father's case and spends days and nights after a sudden tip from some organisation in NYC. Trystan is obvi with her because he actually forfeited his throne to Lydea and MC keeps them out of loop of tf is going on.

Could her dad be alive somewhere and hiding in NYC? (i cannot tell if that would be genius or moronic - but I wanna see angst something we didn't get in book 2)

🤷🤷

#choices #choices stories you play #books worth reading #blades of light and shadow #desire and decorum #open heart #bloodbound #i forgot the new bb story ooops

[tearsofperseides]

Taylor Swift songs that are Ronance in some way or another

this is a self-indulgent post

Gorgeous, obviously, do I need to say more? Because I will: This song is "told" through Nancy's perspective and I think it demonstrates the frustration that Nancy had with Robin at the beginning perfectly. Also these parts that I don't see people talk about: And you should think about the consequence // Of you touching my hand in the darkened room ...DO I NEED TO REMIND EVERYONE OF THE HANDHOLD?! Along with many other lines in the song that aligned with Ronance, such as the boyfriend line and the ocean blue eyes line

Next is Style, admittedly, this is really just a personal thing, I like to headcanon that one of Robin's favourite movies is Rebel Without a Cause and that she relates to Jim Stark (played by James Dean) and just... the overall vibe of the song, I imagine them just cruising in Steve or Nancy's car, blasting this at full volume.

Labyrinth, yet another Nancy Wheeler POV song... idk what to tell you, she's just very Swiftie core/j This song reminds me of when Vecna is defeated and Nancy is navigating her sexuality, the line You know how scared I am of elevators // Never trust it if it rises fast // It can't last just makes me think of Nancy trying to stop having a crush on Robin because her previous relationship never lasted, if you get what I mean? Another line that speaks Nancy on an astronomical level is You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back // Just like that.

A Robin POV song at last!!! Gold Rush, Robin is an evermore girlie, this isn't projection... totally not. This song is more based on s3, than s4. She just envies Nancy, like I have a feeling, she wants to be like her in a way that she's accepted; What must it be like // To grow up that beautiful? // With your hair falling into place like dominos Nancy, in her eyes, at this time, is the epitome of a perfect girl and perfect girls are accepted by people. The ending of the song is just Robin realizing that she could never be with Nancy, because of their circumstances.

Back to Nancy now... The Great War, of course let me start with the line My hand was the one you reached for // All throughout the Great War going back to the handhold once again, because it is precious to me. A lot of the lyrics can be applied to Ronance scenes with this one. Like And maybe it's the past that's talkin' // … // Tellin' me to punish you for things you never did The library scene, Nancy being jealous of Robin because she thought she was dating Steve. Broken and blue, so I called off the troops // That was the night I nearly lost you The scene where Robin first got caught by the vines. I vowed I would always be yours // 'Cause we survived the Great War This goes back to the whole s5 theory of how Nancy will be made to choose between Robin/Steve/Jonathan and she will choose Robin, because she didn't choose Barb and it will be all symbolism and shit lmaoo.

AND THE LAST ONE, THE FINALE, THE CHERRY ON TOP

Ivy, the Emisue anthem, if you will. I can write an essay on this one... every line fits with Nancy so well.

Oh, goddamn // My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand - Nancy finally has someone to confide in, someone who she feels will understand her on such a deep level, not just because of her trauma, but because she's the first girl after Barb she's been friends with. Robin listens to her problems, doesn't try to solve them, she's there for her when she needs to vent. Taking mine, but it's been promised to another Nancy is still in a relationship with Jonathan, her "hand has been promised to another". Oh, I can't // Stop you putting roots in my dreamland // My house of stone, your ivy grows // And now I'm covered in you She's tried to push Robin away, but Robin doesn't budge, she's not leaving her no matter how much Nancy is trying to push her away. Nancy's trying to not get attached to Robin, but Robin just by being herself has planted herself into Nancy's heart and is taking up the space in Nancy's mind and that only grows and grows. I wish to know // The fatal flaw that makes you long to be // Magnificently cursed I take this line in the context of Ronance 2 ways. 1. Nancy doesn't understand how Robin can be so cursed with herself as to want to be friends with her, "magnificently" specifically because Nancy is still thankful for her. 2. The way Robin's actually ok with being a lesbian in the 80's, of course, she's not out, but she still knows she only likes girls and isn't trying to change that (unlike Nancy). Crescent moon, coast is clear // Spring breaks loose, but so does fear both the crescent moon and spring have been used in a lot of literary works as a symbol for a new beginning with Robin, Nancy sees a new beginning, she sees it very clearly, but she's scared, of her sexuality, of what the people will think, of hurting Jonathan, of ruining this new found beginning etc. So yeah, it's a fire // It's a goddamn blaze in the dark // And you started it // You started it // So yeah, it's a war // It's the goddamn fight of my life // And you started it // You started it Nancy is at war with herself, she has feelings for Robin, but she thinks she's not supposed to (internalised homophobia), she's at war with herself because she doesn't know what happens next, because of Robin.

Thank you for letting me ramble about this, it was really fun!!!

Also, I have a Nancy Wheeler and a Robin Buckley playlist on my Spotify, if you want give them a listen!!

#stranger things #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #ronance #nancy x robin #robin and nancy #robin rambles #taylor swift #Spotify

[hellsbellschime]

i'm really sorry you're going thru such a difficult time. i know what it's like to live with a mentally ill person and it's never easy. when i was a teen i lived with my mom and step-dad and he was bipolar (divorced now thank god). it was always a minefield having to deal with him because he either was always having his meds adjusted or he decided to get off his meds because he thought he didn't need them anymore and was coping with alcohol instead. i remember once when i was 14 he had been drinking and not taking his meds and it was like 2am and he was blasting music and screaming at his cat because he said she was talking back to him. i turned the music down and was walking back to my bed when he came out of nowhere and started to choke me. thankfully my mom and his daughter had also woken up because it took them both to pull him off me. sadly that wasn't the last of him in my life, took my mom years to get strong enough to leave him.

idk how volatile your situation is, but i hope you can stay safe. it's scary how unpredictable they can be, especially when they aren't properly medicated. is there any way you could report the car stolen? because that could possibly help you start the process of having her being put on a psychiatric hold if she committed a crime/is a danger to others. or maybe it's time to tell her that she needs to make other arrangements because you cannot keep taking care of her. i know she's your mom so you probably feel an obligation to her, but your first priority should be to your own health and happiness. it feels selfish saying that, at least for me since i grew up with the mentality that you should put others first, especially elders/family. but when they are toxic and hurting you i think it's ok to be selfish.

Jesus Christ I'm sorry you had to deal with that, I know it's a nightmare at any age but when you're a kid it's extra terrifying. It's also weird to think about in retrospect, like I know how maddening it is now that I'm an adult, I know that every other adult in her life bailed because they just couldn't take it, so to be dealing with that as a child must have been so scary that my brain literally protected me from fully processing it all. And a lot of people don't realize it or don't have bipolar that's that severe, but my mom is also one whose mania can get so intense that she literally becomes delusional which is also scary af, it sucks that we both had to deal with that as children. She's a "how about I don't take meds and just drink/do my own drugs to solve my problems" type too, which again is it's own fucking nightmare because dealing with a mentally ill alcoholic is REALLY not the tea.

It's actually ironic, the other day my mom ditched me at the Taylor Swift concert we went to and she talked about a conversation she had with someone else where she sort of jokingly said that every time she disappears on me I think she's dead. It activated a weird memory that I just hadn't thought of for a while, because it's actually true, and it's because when I was a kid she would just vanish and leave me at home for sometimes days without calling or saying anything, and when she said that I just had a very vivid flashback of my childhood before I understood that this was just a thing that was going to happen and literally sat there alone, terrified, crying my eyes out and trying to stay up all night because I was too scared to go to sleep in my house by myself and literally being so sure that she didn't come home because she was dead. Which was something I went through more than once before I realized okay, she's not dead, she's just not coming home for some reason. And again, it was a weird insight into the total disconnect between us, because in her mind this is just some kooky problem I have and I was immediately like OH NOPE I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THAT TRAUMA COMES FROM

Thankfully my mom is weak af now and I'm not though, we sort of got into it a few weeks ago and she did try to like, hurt my wrist, but she's so goddamn weak and I remembered at least enough Krav Maga to know how to hold myself steady, so we had a bizarre standoff that I think actually lowkey intimidated her or at least made her realize she can't do dick to me, because she was trying to bend my wrist with all her might using both hands and I just locked my arm completely straight and she literally could not move it. I think she could see in my eyes that I was like "mmm you sure you want this smoke asshole" and she realized she didn't.

And yes, I have been contemplating reporting my car stolen for the last hour or so because she has now been gone for almost 24 hours and has not answered her phone once even though I have called over 60 times in the last hour-ish. When or if she does come back I honestly do want to say that she should just GTFO, I mean again she's contributing absolutely nothing, she hasn't paid rent the entire time we've been here anyway and while I don't think we're ACTUALLY going to get evicted, her behavior has been kooky enough that clearly people in the building have reported it and it was enough for the landlord to send an official written warning. So like, sure, if you don't want to contribute shit and just want to go off living your manic cracked out dreams, go away and let me actually live a life without your crazy for once.

LOL and not even kidding, in the process of me writing this whole rant she finally picked up her phone, told me she'd be home in an hour, and promptly hung up on me. I'm honestly going to lose my mind.

#real life woes