#The absolute insanity to use sleigh bells
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Deck the Halls pt. 2
A/N: Okay! Here is part two! I’m sorry I’m a little later than the evening, but I forgot that I had work tonight....anyways...here is part two. Harry is being a little cheesy and romantic in this one, and I love that about him because even though he’s a scrooge, he’s still baby for Holland. I hope that you all are enjoying this so far, and expect part three at any random point in the day tomorrow lol. Love you all!
Warnings: Mentions of death, violence, smut, fluff....other things i can’t remember at this moment?
Word Count: 9.7k
Holland’s POV
Holland stood there, staring at the dark blue paint on Harry’s door with wide eyes.
“He really has lost his true Christmas spirit, hasn’t he?” She whispered, shaking her head as her heart sank just a little in her chest. “Sugar sticks, this is going to be harder than I thought.”
She turned towards her own door, walking back inside of her flat with a sigh.
London had been her home for about ten hours now, and she was more than ecstatic to finally have her own place. It wasn’t the size of her home back in the North Pole, and it wasn’t nearly as grand, but it was hers and she loved it. Her Father showed her around London for most of the day, helping her settle in before he finally bid her farewell, and since he’d left her alone, she had been sitting on the couch in her flat, binge watching movies that she’d never seen before.
During a sappy movie about falling in love at Christmas, Holland felt a strong pull in the center of her chest. Her heart started beating rapidly, and her palms were sweaty. At some point, she slipped off of the couch before she started pacing in front of her door. Everything in her brain screamed at her to open the door, to poke her head out and see what could be in the hall.
So she did.
And there Harry was, walking down the hallway like he stepped right out of her dream.
Now that she had finally met him, she was worried that fixing his spirit would be a challenge that she couldn’t handle. She walked back into her flat with a dark cloud over her head, and a sad feeling in her chest. In her mind, their first meeting was magical and grand. She didn’t expect for it to be over in under ten minutes, and she definitely didn’t expect to faint when she first saw him. It made her cringe just thinking about it, her body hitting the ground after they met eyes.
She was in London to find him, for gingerbread sake.
She knew that she would obviously run into him at some point.
As she curled back under her blanket on her new couch, a Christmas film still playing on the television, she started to think about what happened to Harry’s true Christmas spirit. After reading the book that Morpheus gave her, she came up with a few odd theories on what might have caused his spirit to dim, but she didn’t have any solid proof.
All she really knew about the situation was that Jack Frost wanted to destroy Christmas, and he wanted to absorb the powerful magic that only two souls forged from the same star could grant him. It just so happened that Harry and Holly were both souls forged from the same star, and souls that contained true Christmas spirit. It was a double whammy that could give Jack Frost the power to destroy any other magical being, including Santa Claus himself.
She tried not to dwell on the negative parts of her journey to London, but the positive ones instead. Her soulmate was just across the hall from her, and though it would clearly take some time to warm him up to the idea of soulmates, he was still there. They were both safe when they were together, according to Erotes. His presence would cloak hers, protecting her from any outside forces, and her presence would bring light and joy into his heart.
It was all very exciting, having a soulmate that could protect her and love her (even if he wasn’t there quite yet.) and she was excited to learn everything she could about him. Morpheus and Erotes had a theory that the nightmares might cease with the souls being near each other, and Holland kept that in the front of her mind as she started to doze off on her couch.
But she still had a nightmare.
She had one worse than the last few that she’d had, actually.
This time, there was no mercy at the hands of Jack Frost.
This time, he knew that she was watching and taking notes. He made sure to pull her out of the ice by her hair, holding her up as she gasped out. He looked her in the eye, the chill that he sent through her body much colder than the water he held her under. Jack Frost looked her dead in the eyes before he looked back at Harry with a smirk. His lips pressed into hers next, kissing her with cold and slimy lips before he dunked her head back under the water. This time, she heard Harry screaming from the shore, his voice laced with agony as he called her name out.
Holland woke up to the sound of banging on her door, her name being called out.
She let out a shriek, her body falling off the couch in shock.
She recognized Harry’s voice, scrambling to her feet as quick as she could before she opened the door. He stood there, his chest heaving and his eyes dark as he looked at her with tear stained cheeks. Her heart shattered in her chest, her body relaxing when she realized he was safe and that he was standing right there in front of her. He let out a sigh, reaching up to brush his sleeve under his nose. She crossed her arms over her chest, anxiously shifting on her feet as he stared into her eyes for a few minutes in silence.
“You’re alright?” He asked her, licking over his bottom lip as she nodded. “Fuck me.”
“Excuse me?” She asked, her eyes growing wide. “I beg your pardon?”
“Oh, no.” Harry said quickly, his hands flying up in defense. “I didn’t mean it like that, Holland. I swear, it’s just an expression.”
She cleared her throat, pressing her lips together as she nodded slowly.
“Well, since you’re alright, I’m gonna go back to bed.” Harry said softly, gulping as he brushed his palms over the outside of his thighs. “Just do me a favor, and don’t go near any lakes.”
“Noted.” She whispered. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” he whispered, pulling her door shut.
“What in the candy canes is wrong with that boy?” She muttered falling back onto her couch with a heavy groan. “My soulmate is insane.”
❄️❄️❄️❄️
November 11
Holland’s POV
Holland didn’t see Harry for four days after their initial meeting.
She expected him to come banging on her door when the nightmares happened again, but she didn’t hear a peep out of him. She had to admit that they were pretty standard nightmares compared to the ones they had been sharing the last few nights. They were just run of the mill, ‘oops, Jack Frost got me again’ nightmares that she’d been having almost her entire life.
During the time that they spent apart, the night that they met continued to replay in her head. She couldn’t stop thinking about how he’d run across the hall in his pajamas just to bang on her door in the middle of the night to check on her. He looked so heartbroken, and distraught, that it almost broke her heart to see him that way. She realized then that she could feel his emotions just as strong as she felt her own. Their souls were one and the same, and they were both hurting. It made Holland want to wrap herself around him, but that was hard to do when he was never around.
She also could tell when he was home due to the warm feeling that flowed through her veins and the pull in her chest. That feeling was the reason that she knew he was never home, and she wondered if he was avoiding her because of it. So instead of sitting around and pining after him, she decided to hit the streets and explore the new city that she’d always dreamed of seeing as a little girl. There was on use in wasting her time here, waiting for Harry to come around.
He would come to her in his own time.
On her second day in London, she decided to bundle herself up before taking herself on a walk around the small village area that she lived in. It was filled with cobblestones and tiny shops preparing for the biggest (and best) holiday of the year. Everyone was slowly putting up decorations in their windows, covering the glass outside with fake frost. Holland absolutely adored it, even if it wasn’t the same as The North Pole. She loved the enthusiasm and the electric feeling in the air that only Christmas could inspire.
On the fourth day, she ventured just a little farther than her tiny village to the busier streets of London. She was lost in her head, watching the people rush by as they talked to themselves. It made her a little nervous when she saw cotton stuffed in their ears, and she wondered if maybe it was a cultural thing that she knew nothing of. She made a mental note to ask Harry about it the next time that she saw him.
“Grab a cup of Christmas cheer!” Holland turned her head at the sound of ringing bells that sounded like they belonged on Santa’s sleigh, and the word Christmas. “Come to Java Java for our signature holiday Peppermint Mocha!”
“Peppermint.” Holland’s lips spread into a smile as she turned around, moving in the crowd of people towards the shop. “I love peppermint.”
She was starting to understand why people talked to themselves, but it still seemed weird.
Holland walked towards the shop, smiling at the elf standing outside with a sign in her hand.
“Hello, kind elf.” Holland waved at her, causing the girl to give her a funny look. “What is a peppermint mocha, and how do I get one?”
“It’s coffee, and you just go inside-” The girl said, her brows raising. “-and pay for one.”
“Oh, that’s easy!” Holland exclaimed. “Thank you for your help! Merry Christmas.”
She reached for the door, pulling at the handle, but it didn’t budge.
“You push it.” The girl said, her voice trailing off. “The door is a push, not a pull lady.”
Holland’s cheeks grew warm as she pushed the door open, smiling over her shoulder at the girl.
When she walked into the cafe, she felt like she was back in the North Pole.
Java Java was adorable and Holland was ecstatic to see their decorations. There was tinsel draped over almost every surface, and little reindeer figurines on the counter tops. As she stood in line, she noticed a little girl looking up at her with wide eyes, a little doll in her hands that caught Holland’s attention. The doll looked a bit like her, with white blonde hair and a pretty blue dress.
Holland was almost confused by it.
“Hello there,” Holland crouched down, pointing at the doll. “What’s her name?”
“Elsa.” The little girl whispered, looking at the doll and then back at Holland. “Are you Elsa?”
“I’m sorry.” Holland glanced up at the sound of someone’s voice. “She’s absolutely obsessed with Frozen and...you do kind of look like Elsa.”
“That’s what I thought when I saw her doll.” Holly smiled at the girl's mother before looking back at the girl. “What does Elsa do?”
“She’s a princess.” The little girl spoke with a lisp due to her missing front teeth. “She can shoot ice from her hands.”
“That’s so cool!” Holland gasped in excitement. “And her dress is so pretty.”
“I want one just like it when I grow up.” The little girl smiled. “I want to be a princess.”
“Well, everyone can be a princess.” Holland said. “I’m a princess.”
“You are?” The girl’s eyes grew wide before she snapped her head up to look at her Mum. “Did you hear that Mummy? She’s a princess.”
“I heard, Maddy.” The mother chuckled, glancing at Holland. “Isn’t that amazing?”
“Can you make me a princess?” Maddy bounced on the balls of her feet. “I want to be a princess just like you and Elsa!”
“Oh, I’m afraid that I can’t make you a princess.” Holly said softly “Being a princess comes from within, Maddy.”
“Like from your tummy?” She asked, tilting her head to the side.
“Like from your heart.” Holland giggled. “Do you have a kind heart?”
“I think so.” Maddy nodded. “I like to read to the ducks in the park, does that make me kind?”
“I think it might.” Holland nodded. “Being a princess also means that you must be brave, are you brave?”
“I fell off of my bike last week, and I didn’t even cry!” Maddy exclaimed turning back to her mother with a smile.
“That is quite brave.” Holland hummed, tapping her finger against her chin as if she was deep in thought. “Well, I guess that makes you a princess, Maddy.”
“Mummy, I’m a princess!” Maddy cheered out. “Just like Elsa!”
Holland stood up, looking at the Mother as she smiled at her daughter.
“That was really kind of you.” The lady said. “She probably won’t stop talking about it for the rest of her life.”
“I’m glad it made her day just a little brighter.” Holland chuckled, stuffing her hands in her pocket. “She’s a very lovely little girl. You’re doing a wonderful job with her.”
The woman’s face softened, her eyes filling with tears.
“Thank you.” She said. “I don’t mean to cry, it’s just that...things have been hard since her father passed away.”
“Oh my.” Holland said. “I’m so sorry.”
“She truly is a brave little girl.” The mother wiped under her eyes, sniffling. “She’s been keeping me afloat during this entire thing, and I just...you making her smile has been the best thing that’s happened to us all year.”
Holland’s heart squeezed in her chest, and before she knew it, she was wrapping the woman in a hug.
“Everything will work out just fine.” Holland whispered. “You’re going to be alright.”
“Thank you.” She hugged Holland back.
Holland continued talking to Maddy and her mother while they stood in line, and after a little bit of back and forth, she even paid for their drinks and a special treat. She waved them both off when they left the shop, playfully curtsying in honor of Princess Maddy. When Holland went to order her own drink, the girl behind the counter stared back at her with wide eyes.
“You really do look like Elsa.” She said. “Are you into cosplay?”
“I don’t know what that is.” Holland laughed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “And I don’t really know who Elsa is.”
“She’s a cartoon character in a movie.” The girl explained with a chuckle. “It’s called Frozen.”
“I should watch that.” Holland made a mental note. “What’s your name?”
“Oh, it’s Sarah.” The girl pointed to her name tag. “I forgot to ask what you would like, I’m sorry.”
“That’s quite alright!” Holland said. “I would like four of your peppermint mocha drinks and as many of your sugar cookies as I can buy.”
“Oh, okay.” Sarah typed at the screen, nodding her head. “Are you going to drink all of those by yourself?”
“No, I thought that I would pass them out to strangers to brighten their day.” Holland said, pulling the card that her father gifted her from her pocket before handing it over to a chuckling Sarah.
“That’s funny.” Sarah said, handing the card back.
“Why?” Holland’s brows pulled together.
“Oh, you were serious.” Sarah said, her face turning to shock. “It’s not a bad thing, I just thought you were being sarcastic.”
“I don’t know what that means.” Holland said softly, her cheeks growing warm.
It was starting to become a pain, not knowing things.
“It just means that you’re trying to be silly by saying something that you don’t really mean, but like you mean it….if that makes any sense?” Sarah said.
“Oh that makes perfect sense.” Holland said it as if she meant it, but she didn’t.
“Really?” Sarah asked.
“No, I was actually trying out the sarcastic thing.” Holland giggled. “Did it work?”
“It did.” Sarah tossed her head back with a loud chuckle. “You’re really funny, um-”
“It’s Holly.” She said.
“Holly.” Sarah nodded. “I think you’re great.”
“Thanks, I think you’re pretty cool too!” Holland smiled. “I’m sure I’ll see you again if I like this peppermint mocha thing. I really love sugar and sweets.”
“We’ve got plenty here.” Sarah said. “Have a great day, Holly.”
“You too, Sarah!”
When Holland had a tray full of coffee in one hand and a bag full of sugar cookies in the other, she set off in search of something. There was a warm pull in her chest, one that told her Harry was close by. She followed her instinct, turning down several alleyways and small side streets until she found herself standing in front of a black door with chipped paint.
There was an equally worn sign hanging above the door that read Paradise Records. She did her best to open the door with a full tray of coffee, still upset that no one wanted to take any of the drinks she offered them. Everytime she stopped a stranger, they turned their nose up in disgust before walking off with a sour look on their faces.
Holland, however, had downed her entire drink.
She was honestly considering taking another one for herself, if no one else would drink it. It was sweet, and filled with notes of chocolate and peppermint. It was like heaven in a tiny paper cup, and she made a mental note to insist that her father make them a staple at his bakery when she finally made it back home to the North Pole. As Holland walked into the shop, she caught sight of a boy with dirty blonde hair writing something down in a journal. There was another boy with long, dark brown hair sitting on a stool behind the counter with a guitar.
What she didn’t expect to see as she walked up to the counter, was Harry.
He walked through a beaded curtain, his eyes trained on a sheet of paper and his brows furrowed.
“Harry!” Holland chirped out, sitting the tray of drinks and cookies down on the counter. “Oh my garland!”
All three boys turned their attention towards Holland, but she was only looking at Harry.
“What-” Harry muttered. “How?”
“I don’t know, I just...I was walking and here I am!” She smiled, clapping her mitten covered hands together. “I went to this bakery because I heard someone talking about peppermint mocha, and I love peppermint. So I got one for me, and then I got more for other people, but everyone just looked at me funny when I tried to hand them out. And I met this little girl and I helped her become a princess, and then I learned that I look like Elsa-”
“Holland!” Harry said her name, causing her to take a deep breath. “Breathe.”
“Holland, baby, breathe!”
The memory of Harry calling her baby while he tried to bring her back to life sent a shock wave of ice water over her body. She stared back at him, her breathing a little heavier as his brows furrowed. He almost seemed worried, as if Holland was going to talk the air out of her lungs.
“I thought I was bad with coffee.” The boy with short brown hair snorted out a laugh, reaching for a cup. “I’ll drink your peppermint mocha, love.”
“Yeah, go ahead.” Holland said, her eyes still locked on Harry. “Um, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” He cleared his throat, dropping his paper to the counter. “Have you never had coffee?”
“No.” She said. “What is it?”
“Magical little beans that give a lot of energy.” The boy said, taking a sip from the paper cup with a hum. “This is so good. Where did you get this?”
“Java Java.” Holland turned towards the boy with a small smile. “There was a really lovely lady named Sarah there that made them for me.”
“Mitch!” The boy smiled, looking over at the boy with long hair as he stopped playing guitar. “Did you hear that? Sarah made these.”
“Shut up, Niall.” Mitch grumbled.
“Do you know Sarah?” Holland turned towards Mitch as her smile grew. “I love Sarah, she’s such a wonderful person.”
“She’s cool.” He nodded, offering Holland a small smile.
“Mitchell has a crush on Sarah.” Niall snickered, glancing at Mitch.
“Oh!” Holland chirped, looking between both boys. “Having a crush is a lot of fun, isn’t it! I have one on Harry.”
“Okay!” Harry interrupted, dropping the papers to the countertop. “I’m getting my coat and walking you home, I think you’ve had enough excitement for the day.”
“Harry’s got a girlfriend.” Niall sang out, but his voice was cut off as Harry landed a smack to the back of his head.
Holland pressed her mitten covered hands to her lips, watching with wide eyes.
“That’s for sleeping with my sister.” Harry said. “And for teasing.”
“Oh, c’mon.” Niall groaned out, looking over at Mitch as he smirked.
“He said you would get it when you least expected it.” Mitch shrugged, going back to playing his guitar. “You deserved that one.”
“Is having a crush on Harry a bad thing?” Holland asked. “Why did he hit Niall?”
“Because Niall is dating Harry’s sister.” Mitch said. “And Niall and Harry are best friends.”
“My brother is dating my best friend.” Holland said. “Pippa and Nick are very happy together! That’s not a bad thing, is it?”
“No, it’s not, but Niall is an arse.” Harry’s voice made Holland’s heart rate pick up. “Let’s go.”
“It was lovely to meet you!” Holland waved at Mitch and Niall. “I’ll see you again soon!”
“Oh, definitely.” Niall chuckled. “Goodbye!”
❄️❄️❄️❄️
Harry’s POV
Harry guided Holland out of the shop with his hand hovering over her lower back.
He made a mental note to never give her coffee ever again. He had never seen anyone talk so fast before in his life, and he knew Niall, for fuck’s sake. When they made it into the cold, London air, Holland curled in on herself. Harry felt a jolt of panic rush through his bones, reminders of her cold body lying on ice flashing before his eyes. He couldn’t explain the itch he got in his arms, but the urge to hold her close was almost unbearable. He didn’t hesitate to wrap his arm around her waist, pulling her into his side.
“Is this alright?” He asked her, his cheeks burning up as she smiled at him. “You look cold so I thought-”
“Yeah, it’s nice.” She said. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your friends, Harry.”
“You didn’t.” He said quickly. “But they don’t know about you, or my dreams.”
He felt horrible for keeping things from them, but he couldn’t tell them about her.
They would think he was certifiable, especially now that she was real.
“I didn’t tell my friends, either.” Holland said softly. “I thought they would be afraid of me if I told them.”
Harry’s eyes snapped towards hers, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.
“I don’t think anyone could be afraid of you, Holland.” He chuckled, tightening his arm around her waist as a crowd of people rushed by them. “You’re like Bambi.”
“Okay, first I was Elsa, and now I’m Bambi!” She tossed her hands in the air, causing Harry to laugh at the adorable expression on her face. “I don’t know what any of that means...well, I know now that Elsa is a princess who has ice in her hands.”
“Something like that.” Harry laughed softly. “And Bambi is a baby deer who has a lot of trouble walking.”
“I walk perfectly fine.” Holland frowned at Harry, her lips pouting out in a way that made him want to fall to his knees. “Well, except for when I skip to my death on a frozen lake.”
“That was too soon.” Harry shook his head, his fingers grasping at her coat protectively as his expression shifted. “That’s not funny, Holland.”
“Gumdrop, you need to smile more.” She sighed, shaking her head. “I’m starting to think that might be the reason you lost your Christmas spirit.”
Harry stopped in his tracks, his blood running colder than the wind whipping around them.
His arm slipped from around her waist slowly.
“What did you say?” He watched Holland turn to stand in front of him, her eyes wide and her lips pressed together.
“Your Christmas spirit? It’s kind of in danger.” She said softly, glancing down at her feet. “And it’s my job to fix it.”
Christmas spirit.
There were thousands of questions running through his mind.
But shamefully, his first reaction was harsh defense to get her to back off.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He let out a bitter laugh, brushing his fingers through his hair, fluffing up the curly strands. “You can’t fix me, I’m not bloody broken just because I don’t like Christmas.”
“I’m not trying to fix you, Harry.” She said. “Your soul is just a little lost and I’m just here to help restore it.”
“That’s basically the same thing as fixing me.” He snapped, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “If that’s what you’re really here for, you can go back to wherever you came from, because you can’t make it better.”
“I can try.” She said. “I don’t know what happened, and I don’t expect you to tell me, but I can try to make things better.”
“I don’t need your pity.” He snarled. “I don’t need anyone.”
“Well, I need you.” She said quickly, her hands reaching out for him. “I need you in my life, Harry.”
“I can’t save you.” He shook his head. “I’ve been trying to save you for sixteen years, Holland, and I can’t do it.”
“That’s just a nightmare.” She said. “When it happens in real life, you’ll save me because you have to.”
“I can’t.” He whispered as she moved closer to him. “I can’t just watch you die, Holland.”
“You won’t.” She tentatively slipped her arms around his abdomen, the familiar scent catching Harry’s attention as she rested her cheek against his chest. “We’re going to figure this out, I promise.”
Harry melted in her arms, sliding his own around her body as he pressed his nose into the soft material of her bright red coat. He inhaled sharply, the scent of berries and clove soothing his senses. He couldn't be upset with her, no matter how hard he tried. So he gave in as her fingers toyed with the ends of his long curls, and her breath warming up his neck.
He needed her too.
And he couldn’t explain it, but his heart ached for her.
“How?” He whispered against her shoulder before lifting his head up to look down at her. “How can we figure this out?”
“I’m working on it.” She gave him a smile that was meant to be reassuring, but he could see through her facade. “I’m doing everything I can to fix this, Harry, but I need you to let me in just a little. I can’t do this without you.”
He swallowed around the lump in his throat, nodding.
“That’s going to be hard.” He said. “I don’t let anyone in.”
“Well, I promise to treat your soul and your heart kindly.” She said. “Seeing you down makes me feel down, Harry. I would never hurt you, ever.”
“I’ve already hurt you, haven’t I?” He said softly, lifting a hand to brush a few strands of hair from her face. “I’ve hurt your feelings.”
“You just…” She licked over her bottom lip, and Harry bit back a groan at the sight of her candy pink tongue. “You can be a bit...well, like Scrooge sometimes.”
“Ow.” Harry said, a smile pulling at his lips as Holland tried to hold back her own. “That hurt my feelings.”
Her face fell, and Harry’s eyes grew wide.
“No, Holland, I didn’t mean that seriously.” He said. “I was just-”
“Being sarcastic.” She exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. “Sarah taught me about that today.”
“Did she?” Harry chuckled. “Sarah is really lovely.”
“She is.” Holland nodded, her eyes glancing up towards the sky as she thought aloud. “And I think she’s gonna marry Mitch.”
Harry’s eyes grew wide, his arms tightening around Holland’s waist in shock.
“Excuse me?” Harry asked, his heart beating faster. “What?”
“I don’t know, after I saw Mitch, I just kept picturing Sarah in this lovely white dress with flowers in her hair.” Holly looked back at Harry. “What?”
“Are you a psychic or something?” He asked softly. “Like, can you see the future? Is that why we keep having those dreams? And why is it me that’s meant to save you? Why did you chose me, I don’t-”
“Harry.” Holland lifted her hand, brushing her fingers over his cheek. “Breathe, gumdrop.”
Breathe.
He inhaled sharply before letting out a long exhale.
“I have a lot of questions.” He shook his head, biting at the inside of his cheek. “Do you...would you like to talk about it with me over dinner?”
Holland raised her brows, pressing her lips together as Harry tried not to squirm.
“Are you asking me out on a date, gumdrop?” She sang softly, swaying on her feet as Harry dropped his head back, groaning.
“If I was, would you say yes?” He glanced at her, tilting his head forward slightly.
“Yes.” She said. “I said I have a crush on you, what makes you think that I would say no?”
Harry tried to fight off the smile creeping up on his lips.
“You’re really cute.” He said softly. “And I hate that you make me feel like a fucking kid, but I also really like it. I haven’t been this...reckless in a really long time.”
“Well, I’m yours for-” Holland snapped her mouth shut, shaking her head. “We’ll save that for dinner, yeah?”
“Whatever you say.” He chuckled, brushing his palms over her back. “Let’s get you home, okay? It’s cold out here and I don’t want you freezing to death.”
Harry blinked rapidly after he spoke, the weight of his words sinking in as Holland let out a loud laugh. She tilted her head back, slapping her mitten covered palm over her mouth as Harry inhaled through his nose, his lips smashing together as he nodded.
“Let’s just forget that I said that.” Harry cleared his throat awkwardly as Holland laughed loudly. “C’mon, Bambi.”
❄️❄️❄️❄️
Holland’s POV
Holland spent three hours looking for something to wear to dinner with Harry.
They weren’t actually going anywhere, but she still wanted to look nice for him.
Before Harry left Holland on her doorstep, they made a plan to get pizza (because Harry learned that Holland had never had pizza before) and talk. They didn’t put any pressure on the evening by going into detail on what they would talk about, but she could tell that Harry was having an internal battle as he said goodbye to her. He brushed his knuckles over her cheek before he took off down the hallway of their complex, his head ducked down and his hands in his pockets. Holland smiled the entire time she watched him walk away, her heart fluttering.
She spent most of her afternoon dancing around and singing to herself. It was the first time in her life that she would be just a normal girl, not Santa’s daughter or a Christmas Princess. She would just be Holland, a girl living in London, eating pizza with her soulmate. She couldn’t wait to learn more about Harry and his life, and her mind was reeling with questions to ask him.
Holland decided to wear a blush colored sweater with little pearls stitched into the fabric, and a pair of light wash jeans. She put on some fuzzy socks so that her toes wouldn’t get cold, and she tossed her hair up so that it would stay out of the way while she was eating pizza. She wasn’t sure what eating pizza entailed, or what it was, but she didn’t want her hair getting in the way. When her hair was up, she tried out the new lip product that a lady sold to her a few days ago when she was in Harrods. She let out a soft ooh when she swiped it over her lips, smiling.
When she was done with the lipstick, a series of knocks pulled her attention from the mirror in her bathroom. Harry was home, and she could feel it in her chest.
When she opened the door, Harry stood there with his hands in his coat pockets, and a sympathetic smile on his lips. Holland raised her brows when she saw Niall and Mitch behind Harry, both standing there with smug smirks on their own lips.
“So, I know that we were supposed to have pizza tonight.” Harry cleared his throat. “But I forgot that it was Wednesday, and that I had plans with these two idiots tonight.”
“Hey, I am not an idiot.” Mitch pushed Harry’s shoulder with a scowl. “Niall might be, but I’m not.”
“Hey!” Niall glared at Mitch. “That was rude.”
Holland tried not to laugh, rolling her lips in as Harry closed his eyes and let out a sigh.
She could sense his frustration by more than the look on his face.
“It’s okay, Harry.” Holland smiled at him, shrugging her shoulders. “We can do pizza tomorrow.”
“Yeah, we can.” He opened his eyes, nodding. “But I also wanted to ask if you would like to join us? My sister will be there, and so will Sarah.”
“Sarah!” Holland smiled wider. “Let me get my shoes!”
“You might have some competition, mate.” Niall chuckled, but he quickly stopped when Harry shot a glare over his shoulder to Niall. “I’m starting to think she has a crush on Sarah too.”
“Oh, Sarah is very pretty, but I only like Harry.” Holland moved aside, opening her arms out as Harry smirked back at her. “Come on in while I get my shoes on.”
When all three boys entered her apartment, they stopped in their tracks.
“It’s a winter wonderland in here.” Niall cheered out as he rushed towards the small table by her sliding glass door that led to the balcony. “Look at this little Christmas village.”
“Oh my god.” Harry whispered, his eyes growing wide as he took it all in. “Fuck me.”
Mitch slapped a hand down on Harry’s shoulder.
“You okay?” He asked softly. “I know Christmas isn’t your favorite-”
“I’m fine.” Harry said, turning back to Mitch. “I don’t know why, but...it doesn’t bother me.”
“It’s because you’re in love.” Mitch squeezed his shoulder. “Welcome to ‘Pining over girls that are way too good for miserable sods like us anonymous’. We have complimentary tequila and tissues at the door.”
Holland tried not to hug Harry after she heard him say that her decorations weren’t a bother.
Instead, she walked back to her bedroom in search of shoes and a coat.
She pulled a long, tan coat from her closet before she dropped it on her bed. As she bent over, looking for shoes in the bottom of her closet, she heard someone clear their throat behind her.
“Knock, knock.”
Holland lifted her head up, turning around to see Harry leaning against her doorway with his arms crossed and a smile on his lips.
“Hi.” She had one boot in her hand, her hair a little mussed up from the clothes that brushed over it. “Hi.”
“You said that already.” Harry chuckled, pushing himself off of the doorway before walking towards her. “You okay?”
“Just a little…” She paused, trying to find the word. “You’re pretty, and it’s distracting sometimes, that’s all.”
Harry stopped in his tracks, his cheeks turning pink as Holland smiled.
“You just say whatever pops into your pretty little head, don’t you?” He mumbled, watching her with curious eyes as she nodded.
“Why wouldn’t I?” She asked. “Keeping things to yourself is no fun, and I really enjoy when your face looks like a surprised frog.”
“Excuse me?” He parted his lips, staring back at her as she laughed. “You know, I was coming back here to apologize for the whole pizza thing, but I’m not doing that now.”
“There’s no need to apologize.” She rolled her eyes, pressing a palm against her wall as she tried to wriggle her foot into a boot. “It’s been a really weird week for both of us, and I can’t blame you for being a little forgetful.”
“I was really looking forward to us finally talking about this whole thing.” He cleared his throat, stuffing his hands into his coat pockets as Holland reached for another shoe. “I just want to figure out how to keep that man from hurting you, Holland. I think if he did hurt you, it might kill me, and I don’t understand why I feel that way about you when I hardly know you.”
She couldn’t tell him that it would kill him if she died, not yet at least.
“Let’s not think about it tonight.” She grunted, sliding her left foot into her boot before she zipped it up. “Let’s just have fun! Show me what it’s like having fun in London.”
“Do you really want that?” Harry asked. “You want the proper London welcome?”
“The whole shebang.” Holland nodded, sliding her coat onto her arms before she stopped in front of him with a bright smile. “I want you to show me what you do for fun, gumdrop.”
“Alright.” Harry smiled back at her, brushing his thumb softly over her chin before bumping his forefinger under it as she giggled. “Let’s get this show on the road, Bambi.”
**
Harry’s POV
“Here you are.” Niall placed a glass of red wine in front of Holland before handing Harry the beer that Holland insisted he get. “And for you, H.”
It was a gingerbread stout, the liquid dark as it sloshed in the glass.
Harry only ordered it because Holland wanted to know what it tasted like. She claimed that he smelled like gingerbread and she wanted to have a sip of the stout to see if it would remind her of him. He knew that he probably wouldn’t drink it anyways, even if Holland didn’t want it. He was more concerned about his sister meeting Holland, and getting Holland back home safely.
He lifted his glass to his lips, taking a small sip as Holland watched him like a hawk. It definitely tasted like gingerbread, and it almost made Harry tense up in his seat at the memories it brought back to his mind. But Holland pressed her hand to Harry’s arm, and it calmed him down almost immediately. Her curious eyes distracted him as he put the glass down.
“Does it taste like cookies?” She asked him, batting her lashes as she leaned down to sniff at it, causing her nose to scrunch up. “It doesn’t smell like cookies.”
“Have a sip.” Harry handed her the glass, watching her eyeball it as if it were going to jump out and bite her. “You’ll like it, I promise.”
“Alright.” She whispered, pressing the glass to her lips before she sipped.
When she pulled it away, she narrowed her eyes in a comical manner before lifting it to her lips again for another sip.
“I do like it.” She said.
“Do you want that one instead of yours?” Harry asked. “I don’t mind switching.”
“I haven’t tasted mine yet.” Holland set the stout down on the table, reaching for the glass of red wine that she picked for its name. Holland Oaks Mulled Christmas Wine. “I wonder if it tastes like berries.”
I wonder if your lips taste like berries.
Harry shook the thought from his head, watching Holland take a sip of the red liquid before she pulled it away with a sour look on her face. He tried not to laugh as she reached for the stout, taking a large sip to drown out the taste of the wine on her tongue. Harry covered his mouth with his fingers, holding in a laugh as Holland shook her head, a small shiver causing her shoulders to roll.
“I don’t like that one.” She muttered, shaking her head. “They should take my name off of it.”
“Hmmm, I’ll see what I can do about that, love.” Harry took the wine glass, taking a sip as Holland moved the stout in front of her. He took a swig, shrugging his shoulders before he sat the glass down. “I think it’s nice. It kind of reminds me of your perfume.”
“Oh, I don’t wear perfume.” Holland said. “It’s my aura.”
“What?” Harry blinked back at Holland as she nodded. “Your aura?”
“Yeah, it’s berry and cloves.” She smiled. “I think I like this one because it’s your aura. You always smell like warm gingerbread and spice.”
Harry held his breath, tilting his head as he tried to find the words to say.
“We’ll save that for the pizza talk.” Holland patted his shoulder gently. “I’ll explain it later.”
“Please.” He nodded, reaching for his wine to take another sip.
He put it down immediately, remembering her words.
Berry and cloves.
“Slap me on the ass and call me Sally, is my brother drinking wine?” Harry groaned when he felt Gemma ruffle his hair. “Hiya, doll.”
“You’re an asshole.” Harry grumbled, swatting her hand away. “Hi.”
“Sarah!” Holland exclaimed, causing Harry to turn his head towards her as she straightened out her spine.
“Holly.” Sarah looked just as surprised and excited to see Holland. “I didn’t know you knew Mitch and everyone.”
Mitch and everyone.
Harry tried not to smirk at that, but he made sure to nudge Mitch’s calf under the table.
“Yeah, Harry is my neighbor.” Holland smiled back at Harry before accepting Sarah’s hug. “I loved that peppermint mocha drink you made me today, but Harry says I shouldn't have anymore.”
“Oh, did he?” Gemma took her coat off, draping it over her chair before she sat down next to Niall with raised brows. “Why is that, Harry?”
“She’s worse than Niall.” Harry defended, pointing towards the Irish lad. “Nearly talked until she passed out earlier, it was crazy.”
Gemma rolled her eyes, leaning over to kiss Niall.
“I don’t want to see that.” Harry slapped his hands over his eyes in a childlike manner causing Holland to giggle. “That’s gross.”
When he peeked between his fingers, Gemma looked like she’d seen a ghost.
“What?” He lowered his hands, looking behind him. “What are you looking at?”
“Nothing.” She shook her head, clearing her throat before she turned her attention towards Holland. “So, I’m Gemma.”
“That’s such a beautiful name.” Holland said. “It’s very nice to meet you, Gemma. My name is Holland, but you can just call me Holly.”
“It’s a pleasure meeting you, too, Holly.” Gemma gave her a soft smile before lifting her menu up. “So, what are we eating today, lads.”
Harry watched Holland look down at the menu in front of her, her brows furrowing as she read over the items listed. He leaned closer, sliding his arm over the back of her chair to look with her. He felt her lean in closer, settling into his side ever so slightly as she hummed.
“What do you like to eat?” He asked her, brushing his fingers over her bicep. “Do you have a special diet or anything?”
“No.” She shook her head, glancing at him before looking back at the menu. “I really only like to eat sugar.”
“With the energy you have,I’m not shocked by that.” He chuckled. “Do you want me to help you find something?”
“I’m sure she can order her own food, Harry.” Gemma piped up. “Give her some breathing room, why don’t you?”
“Oh, I have plenty of breathing room!” Holland was so naive and innocent at times that it made Harry just want to wrap her in a blanket and hide her away. “And Harry smells nice, so I don’t mind.”
He felt his cheeks grow hot at her words, his fingers pressing into her bicep as he glared at Gemma. She sat with a smirk on her lips, glancing back at her menu as Niall cackled.
“So-” Harry cleared his throat. “Chips are a must.”
“Okay, so let’s get some.” She said. “What are they?”
“Fried potatoes.” He said. “We’ll dip ‘em in ketchup.”
“And malt vinegar.” Gemma said.
“No malt vinegar, it’s gross.” Harry scrunched up his nose as Holland looked over at Gemma.
“It’s the proper way to eat chips, Harry.” Gemma sang under her breath.
“Then let’s try it with that.” Holland had a soft pout on her lips, the pink lipstick she smeared over her beautiful berry lips almost gone. He couldn’t wait for it to disappear so that he could see the natural red shade that sent his heart soaring. “I want to do it right.”
“Malt vinegar on the side, then.” He said. “Do you like fish?”
“I’ve never eaten a fish.” She said. “Is it good?”
“Yeah, it’s good.” He assured her. “Maybe we’ll do fish and chips?”
“You don’t have to order the same dish as me, Harry.” Holland said. “You can order whatever you want, I’ll be fine.”
“Well, there’s also cottage pie-” Harry started, but Holland’s soft gasp cut him off. “What?”
“I can have pie for dinner?” Her eyes grew wide, causing Harry to chuckle. “I want that.”
“Well, it’s not like regular pie.” He said. “It’s got meat and-”
“But it’s pie.” She smiled. “For dinner.”
“Okay, pie for dinner it is.” He said. “I’ll order the fish and chips just in case.“
❄️❄️❄️❄️
Holland ended up eating Harry’s fish and chips.
He wanted the cottage pie anyways, so it worked out.
When she took her first bite of the pie, she looked utterly disgusted and betrayed. He tried to warn her that it wasn’t like dessert pie, but he was almost glad that she didn’t like it. The little scrunch to her nose and the shake of her head had him chuckling. He took the dish, passing his fish and chips over to her before pressing a subtle kiss to her temple. He hoped that no one else saw him do it, but when he looked up Mitch was smirking at him from the other side of the table.
“Holland.” Harry whispered her name. “Do you know what the world's largest island is?”
“Greenland.” She said it out loud, slapping her hand over her mouth when everyone shushed her. “Sorry.”
“I’m sure the pricks behind us stole the answer to that question too.” Niall grumbled. “Cheaters.”
They were winning trivia at least.
It was all thanks to Holland and her magical brain.
For someone who knew so little about the modern world, she knew a lot about history and geography. Harry carried most of the music questions alongside Mitch, Gemma carried the math questions, and Niall and Sarah carried pop culture. It was the perfect team, and they were kicking ass. Harry was proud of Holland, and he made sure to bump his knee to hers subtly whenever she gave him an answer. If it was a correct answer, he would squeeze her knee.
He checked in with her often, asking if it was okay for him to touch her in that way. He almost died when she gave him a shy smile before telling him that she liked it a lot. He couldn’t keep his hands away from her then, always finding some part of her to touch respectively.
Harry handed the last sheet in to Hank, the guy who ran the trivia scene, before he dropped his hand to Holland’s thigh. She rested her head on his shoulder, covering her mouth as she yawned. Harry decided then that it was probably time for them to go home. They had a lot going on, and it was starting to take a toll on him as well. He was glad that Holland had the chance to let go for the night, sipping at her gingerbread stout while she laughed with her new friends.
Something inside of Harry clicked when Gemma and Holland shared a knowing look before laughing, as if they already had inside jokes. It dawned on him that he needed her in his life just as much as she needed him, and he wasn’t about to let some slimy iceman drown the girl that he was falling in love with. Harry supposed that his touches weren’t only to show Holland his affection, but they were also a byproduct of his protective nature that was clawing its way into the front of his mind.
“Let’s go home, yeah?” Harry squeezed her thigh, turning to kiss the top of her head. “Get your coat on, love.”
“Gumdrop, you’re having fun with your friends.” Holland lifted her head, pouting at him. “I’m okay, you can keep playing.”
“Don’t you dare leave us now.” Niall said. “We’re actually winning for once, mate! Don’t take our brainiac away from us.”
“We’re tired.” Harry rolled his eyes at Niall, tossing a note onto the table. “We’re gonna go to bed at a decent hour, unlike some of you heathens.”
“Oi, I’ll be tucked in bed before ten!” Gemma said.
“Really?” Niall looked at Gemma with a frown. “But, it’s Wednesday.”
“Holland, darling, are you ready to go?” Harry tried to change the topic, unsure that he wanted to know about Wednesday’s with Niall in his sister’s household.
“Yeah, I'm ready.” Holland draped her scarf over her neck, smiling at everyone as Harry moved beside her. “It was really nice to see you all again, I had so much fun.”
“Harry, I need Holland’s phone number.” Gemma said. “Send it over to me.”
“No.” Harry said plainly. “Goodnight, I love you all. Be good!”
Harry guided Holland out of the pub, sliding his arm around her waist as she leaned into him.
They didn’t talk much on the walk back, merely holding onto each other as they stumbled towards their building. Harry let Holland wrap herself around him in the lift, her head pressed to his chest as it moved slowly from floor to floor. He made sure to rub his palms over her back just how she liked, his heart swelling when she let out soft little hums.
“I feel warm and fuzzy.” She whispered.
“Is it because of me or the alcohol?”
“I think it’s both.” She lifted her head with a soft giggle, looking up at Harry. “I think I like alcohol.”
“Wait until you have your first hangover, you’ll change your mind.” He chuckled, shaking his head. “Let’s get you tucked into bed, you look drained.”
“I feel drained.” She yawned, pulling away from Harry before she stumbled into the hallway.
Harry chuckled as he watched Holland stumble up to her door.
She turned around to look at him with a pout after she unlocked the door, pushing it open.
“Well, I guess this is it.” She whispered. “I’ll see you tomorrow for pizza?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, smiling as she scrunched her nose up. “What?”
“Nothing, I just…” She sighed. “I think I might miss you tonight, that’s all.”
Harry’s heart was beating so loud that he could hear it in his ears.
“I’ll miss you too.” He lifted a hand, brushing his thumb over the apple of her cheek. “But you need some rest.”
“So do you.” She whispered, giving him a soft smile. “And you know where I am if you need me.”
“I do.” His head moved closer to hers, and he watched her breath hitch in her throat. “Do you want me to kiss you, Holland?”
“Yes.” She didn’t hesitate, giving him a soft nod. “Kiss me, please.”
It was a quick peck at first, but it sent sparks shooting in the night sky.
Holland’s eyes slipped shut as she grabbed Harry’s sides, pulling him closer to her body as he chuckled against her lips. She caught him off guard with another kiss, her tender lips moving over his so passionately that he thought he might fall in love with kissing her right then and there. He didn’t waste time, cupping both of her cheeks as he let his tongue swipe over her bottom lip. She parted her lips for him, allowing his tongue to massage over her own.
Berries and clove.
That was all he could taste, all he could smell.
“Fuck.” He pulled back, gasping softly as Holland whimpered. “Holland, we should slow down. We’re both exhausted and I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to...we should just slow down.”
“Okay.” She nodded, clearly still breathless. “I um...goodnight, Harry.”
“Goodnight.” He pressed his forehead to hers, brushing his thumb over her cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
❄️❄️❄️❄️
Holland’s POV
“No.” Harry held Holland’s hands tight in his own, holding her back as her body started to move towards the ice. “No, Holland. Stay with me.”
“I have to go.” She whispered. “You know that I have to.”
“I can’t watch you die.” He pulled her closer, pressing his forehead to her own. “Baby, I can’t let you go.”
“But you can.” She gave him a soft smile. “You know that it’s the only way.”
When Jack Frost pulled her under, Holland didn’t fight.
She was tired of fighting it, tired of trying to survive when she knew that she was doomed.
She just wanted it all to be over so that she could sleep peacefully.
Holland woke up with a gasp, sitting up straight in bed in a daze.
It took her a second to realize that someone was knocking, but when she did realize it, she nearly tripped over her duvet on her way out of bed. She rushed to her front door, flinging it open without hesitation. Harry plowed into her, wrapping his arms around her as tears sprung to her eyes. She clenched them shut, swinging her door closed as Harry sobbed into her hair.
“Why didn’t you fight?” He croaked out. “You didn’t try this time, Holland.”
“I was just so tired.” She brushed her palm over his back, tucking her nose against his shoulder as she tried to soothe him. “I’ve had a long day. I didn’t have the energy to fight him, gumdrop.”
“Please don’t ever do that again.” He pulled away, grasping her face before he pressed a series of damp kisses over her cheeks. “Please, promise that you’ll always fight him, baby. Don’t let him win like that.”
Holland lifted her hands, brushing her thumbs over the outside of his wrists as she curled her fingers around his forearms.
“I love it when you call me baby.” She confessed, looking into Harry’s eyes as he tried to catch his breath. “It’s alright, gumdrop, just breathe.”
They stood there for a few minutes, Holland rubbing soothing circles over Harry’s wrist as he stared into her eyes. It didn’t take long for him to calm down with her in eyesight. Holland noticed his chest slowing down, no more haggard breaths ripping from his nose as he tried to hold back tears. When he was done crying, she wiped at his cheeks with her fingers before she brushed his hair over his shoulder. Holland brushed her palm over his t-shirt covered chest before she grabbed one of his hands in her own with a soft smile.
“C’mon.” She said softly, reaching for her flat key hanging on the key hook by her door.
She pulled Harry behind her, despite the heaviness in her limbs threatening to drag her down to the floor. She locked up her flat before turning towards Harry’s, not at all shocked when she saw the door wide open. She walked into his flat, familiar with the floorplan that was nearly identical to her own. Harry followed behind her without a word, his fingers holding onto her for dear life.
“What are we doing?” Harry’s voice was raspy and rough as Holland pushed into his bedroom, walking him straight towards his side of the bed. “Holland?”
“I’m sleeping with you tonight.” She whispered, turning back to him with a soft smile. “Get comfy, okay?”
“Do you think it will help?” He asked, climbing onto his side of the bed as Holland walked around to the other side. “It’s never helped me before, sleeping with other people.”
Holland had to admit that hurt just a little.
“Um, it should.” She said. “I read about it in a book, actually. I think it will keep us both from dreaming.”
She did read it in a book, but it wasn’t one that Harry could get his hands on. It was a book that Morpheus gave her, and it touched on the topic of soulmates. Holland read about shared dreams between soulmates, and how nightmares could stop if they slept near each other. The closer the souls were, the less likely they were to have nightmares. Holland hoped for both of their sakes that it was true. She just needed a peaceful night’s sleep to regain her strength.
“Who is that man?” Harry rested his head on his pillow as Holland slipped her legs under the duvet. “Why is he doing this to us?”
“Do you promise not to laugh at me if I tell you who he is?” Holland settled her head on the pillow next to Harry’s, letting out a sigh as she turned on her side.
“I promise.” Harry turned on his side, his knees knocking into hers.
“It’s Jack Frost.” She said. “And he’s trying to take our power.”
“What power?” He asked. “Why does Jack Frost need power?”
“Harry, let’s save it for tomorrow, okay?” She leaned forward, kissing his forehead before she fell against her own pillow. “I’m so tired.”
“Tomorrow.” He lifted his hand, brushing a few strands of hair from her face as her eyes slowly slipped shut.
#harry styles fic#deck the halls#harry styles christmas fic#harry styles fluff#harry styles smut#harry styles writing#my writing#harry styles imagine
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🎁🎄❄️What the Lupin Gang would do for Christmas!❄️🎄🎁
Helloooooooo Lupin fans! You may or may not remember me as that one chick who made that Halloween headcanon post a few months back, as well as the Jigen’s bangs post. I’m back with a Christmas post!!!
Please note: Personally, I really only celebrate Christmas in a non-Jesus-y way. (Which is how I’m also writing this post, because let’s be honest, do you really think Lupin is going to confession and shit? Absolutely not.) It’s purely out of habit because I was raised Catholic, but I practice witchcraft now. My family doesn’t know that though. Because of this, I considered also making posts for other winter holidays, so I could include Lupin fans that don’t celebrate Christmas. But I didn’t want to accidentally mess it up, or write something inaccurate about a holiday that I don’t celebrate. It felt disingenuous to make a Hanukkah post because I’m not Jewish and it doesn’t seem like my place, and I didn’t want to do a Yule one either, because no two people celebrate it the same way. So, I strongly encourage others to add their respective winter festivities to this post if they want to! We’re all about inclusivity here.
Without further ado:
🎁LUPIN:
I don’t feel like it needs saying, but this man goes bonkers for Christmas.
He flip-flops his choice of red or green jacket by the year. But it always comes with an equally garish Christmas-themed tie, just to make explicitly clear that this is The Christmas Jacket for the year, as opposed to the standard red/green jacket.
The hideout(s) are always decorated to the GILLS inside. It’s an odd mix of older classy decorations he’s inherited from his family, and absolutely horrendously tacky ones he’s bought himself.
Picture real branch garlands, wrapped tastefully around gilded candelabras that have been passed down through several generations. And then one of those singing, dancing stuffed animals from Walmart that plays “Jingle Bell Rock” when you squeeze its paw, right next to it.
Christmas-themed heists? You know it, baby. But he won’t steal anything on Christmas Eve or Christmas. It just isn’t in the spirit of the season, in his opinion. But he’ll leave a little something-something with his calling cards during the rest of December. A candy cane, a sprig of mistletoe, a bough of holly, etc.
Lupin despises eggnog. He loves any other Christmas drink, just not eggnog. He’s too grossed out by the idea of drinking eggs with alcohol- some things just shouldn’t be mixed.
Will not allow anyone to mention the truth about Santa Claus in his presence. Yeah, he knows, but that’s not the point. It just feels like bad luck to say it out loud. The harder Jigen tries to debate with him that Santa isn’t real, the harder he digs in his heels that “of course he is you absolute Scrooge, how dare you! If you don’t believe, you don’t receive.”
Favorite Christmas Songs: Anything peppy!
Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney
Step Into Christmas by Elton John
Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
We Need a Little Christmas by Percy Faith and his Orchestra
A Holly Jolly Christmas by Burl Ives
All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey
Santa Claus’ Party by Les Baxter
Favorite Christmas Drinks: Literally anything except eggnog.
Favorite Christmas Foods: Anything obscenely sugary. Especially gingerbread men and other decorated pastries.
Favorite Christmas Activities: Loves to ice skate and make gingerbread houses! But his houses usually look fairly pathetic, no matter how hard he tries.
Favorite Christmas Movie(s):
The Grinch (Jim Carrey version)
Home Alone
Scrooged
Christmas Gifts: The king of gag gifts, but he also gives surprisingly thoughtful presents too. He’s the kind of guy that would get a person something they mentioned once offhandedly that they really liked, and he’d go back and get it for them.
🎅JIGEN:
Lupin always wants to decorate the hideout(s) the second Halloween ends, but it never happens. With Jigen being the only American in the gang, he always puts a stop to it in order to preserve the quickly-disappearing border between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
What can I say, dude loves his Thanksgiving excuse to eat like shit and do nothing for a day. Even if it is a fucked-up holiday, historically speaking.
But once the Thanksgiving meal is over, he gives Lupin the okay to go crazy. He’s pretty stoked about Christmas too, but too full of turkey to contribute, so he just watches Lupin hang up Christmas lights everywhere while he lays on the couch and digests.
Jigen likes Christmas a lot, but like, in a normal person kind of way. Nowhere near Lupin’s insane level. He’s surprisingly open about his enthusiasm too. The average person would think he doesn’t really care about Christmas much (or anything else really), but to the gang, Christmastime is the most openly excited they’ve ever seen him.
One year’s Christmas-themed heist involved Jigen dressing up as a mall Santa as a part of the plan. The gang powdered his beard, gave him a pillow for his stomach, and sent him on his way. Everything went surprisingly smoothly, and he actually did pretty well with the kids. At first they were a little intimidated, and Jigen was kind of nervous- but he gave them all candy canes and they changed their minds pretty quickly.
Jigen enjoyed it a lot, actually... to the point that he may have potentially started volunteering to be the local mall Santa. Every year during December, he leaves for a day or two on “business.” Nobody in the gang can prove it though, and trust me, they’ve tried.
Favorite Christmas Songs: The classics and the chill ones, with a few rock ones thrown in for a little kick.
Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby
Sleigh Bells by Gene Autry
(There’s No Place Like) Home For The Holidays by Perry Como
Jingle Bells by Frank Sinatra
Caroling, Caroling by Nat King Cole
Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow by Dean Martin
Silver Bells by Dean Martin
Happy Holiday by Bing Crosby
Run Rudolph Run by Chuck Berry
Merry Christmas Baby by Bruce Springsteen (Sang this once after too much eggnog and will never live it down)
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by the Barenaked Ladies (He’s not into all the Jesus-y stuff, but it’s pretty catchy.)
Favorite Christmas Drinks: Jigen is ALL. ABOUT. THAT. NOG. He’ll make his cup a little stronger than everyone else’s.
Favorite Christmas Foods: He really likes candy canes, especially the mini ones. He’ll keep a few in his pocket with his cigs, and switch between them depending on his mood. Out of habit, it’ll usually dangle out of his mouth like a cigarette would.
Favorite Christmas Activities: Watching Christmas movies and laughing at Lupin’s shitty gingerbread houses.
Favorite Christmas Movies:
Anything that’s on at the moment, really. He likes to lounge by the TV, and he’s not picky.
He has a soft spot for A Charlie Brown Christmas though.
A Christmas Story, solely because of the BB gun.
Scrooged, because Bill Murray’s hilarious.
Christmas Gifts: Something practical and useful that the person never realized they needed until they opened the box.
☃️GOEMON:
Goemon wasn’t originally a huge fan of Christmas. Shocking, I know.
He now enjoys some aspects of it, and tolerates others. He likes the idea of giving heartfelt gifts and spending time with loved ones as a tradition, but dislikes the cheesy commercial aspect of Christmas.
He already enjoys the snow and walking through the forest, so the gang usually commissions him to pick a tree for them and cut it down with Zantetsuken. (If they’re somewhere where that’s an option.)
Unbeknownst to the rest of the gang, he will always replant the tree he cut down, and he will wrap something cozy around the bottom of the sapling to keep it safe. Yes, this was directly inspired by A Charlie Brown Christmas. No, he will not admit to this.
Favorite Christmas Songs: The instrumentals, and a few he’d rather die than admit to liking.
The Nutcracker March from The Nutcracker
Waltz of the Flowers from The Nutcracker
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy from The Nutcracker
Christmas Time Is Here (Instrumental) by the Vince Guaraldi Trio
Greensleeves by the Vince Guaraldi Trio
Last Christmas by Wham! (He likes the storyline and the romantic aspect of it.)
Do They Know It’s Christmas? by Band Aid (He likes that it was for a good cause, even if it has its flaws.)
Happy Xmas (War Is Over) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono (Again, flawed, but he enjoys the intended message of peace. Also, represents Japan on the side with Yoko Ono.)
White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes
Favorite Christmas Drinks: Surprisingly fond of hot cocoa. Heavy on the whipped cream and marshmallows.
Favorite Christmas Foods: Doesn’t really like eating gingerbread men, but enjoys decorating them. They’re always pristine, like something you’d get in a bakery.
Favorite Christmas Activities: See above. Also enjoys going out in the snow, and making ice sculptures with Zantetsuken.
Favorite Christmas Movies: Refuses to admit he likes any of these.
Any of the classic Rankin Bass claymation specials.
Any other animated ones for kids. Has a soft spot for A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Polar Express.
A few of those cheesy Hallmark ones.
Christmas Gifts: Something small and sentimental he saw while walking by a store that reminded him of the person he’s giving it to. Nothing extravagant, but thoughtful nonetheless.
⛸FUJIKO:
Fujiko decorates the tree. Period. Lupin cannot be trusted to do this on his own. Goemon picks the tree, Lupin and Jigen put it in the stand, and from there, it’s all Fujiko. The ornaments, lights, and tree skirt are all perfectly color/theme coordinated, and arranged like a pristine store display.
She also has a few ornaments that she bought for each specific member of the gang. Lupin’s is a monkey (he was not pleased, but he’s whipped for her, so he let her keep it). Jigen’s is a carved wooden pistol. Goemon’s is porcelain, with hand-painted sakura blossoms on it. She bought one for Zenigata too as a joke one year- a tiny bowl of ramen noodles.
Her ornament? The star on top of the tree, because she’s the star of the show, baby. It’s actually a snowflake, made of the finest crystal she could steal.
Favorite Christmas Songs: Pop music and Motown’s finest.
Underneath The Tree by Kelly Clarkson
All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey
Santa Tell Me by Ariana Grande
This Christmas by Donny Hathaway
What Christmas Means To Me by Stevie Wonder
Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes
Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee
Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by Darlene Love
A Marshmallow World by Darlene Love
I Like A Sleighride (Jingle Bells) by Peggy Lee
Favorite Christmas Drinks: Hot chocolate and mulled wine.
Favorite Christmas Foods: Loves baking and eating gingerbread men. She lets Goemon decorate them with her. Hers have lots of candy and sprinkles on them, while his are just icing.
Favorite Christmas Activities: Along with baking, ice skating! She’s the best at it out of the whole group. None of the guys are particularly good at it, but she makes them go with her at least once regardless.
Favorite Christmas Movies:
Hallmark ones, solely to make fun of them.
Babes In Toyland, but only the 1986 one, because it has Keanu Reeves in it, and “I don’t care if I’m your girlfriend, Lupin. In this house, we support Keanu Reeves.”
Christmas Gifts: Something expensive/extravagant that will make the person think of her every time they use it.
🎄ZENIGATA:
Zenigata is the second biggest Christmas enthusiast, just behind Lupin.
He doesn’t get to settle down and decorate anything really, since he’s always running after the gang, but he does lots of other little things to celebrate instead. Like getting hot chocolate instead of coffee, tuning the squad car radio to the Christmas station, getting an air freshener that smells like gingerbread, and wearing a festive scarf and gloves with his trench coat to keep out the cold.
In years past, Zenigata still had to work on Christmas Eve/Christmas, even if Lupin wasn’t out stealing anything. Lupin found out and thought that was a little harsh of ICPO, so he came up with a plan.
Each year he sends a calling card to the station with the conditions that only Zenigata can come to investigate. Zenigata does some research, shows up to the location on Christmas Eve, and every year, nothing’s there except for a neatly wrapped present from Lupin.
Zenigata keeps the present as “evidence,” goes back to the station, and they give him Christmas off to go investigate on his own, in case Lupin tries anything else. Lupin never does, but the station doesn’t know that. Bada bing, bada boom, Lupin just got Zenigata a vacation.
Zenigata never catches on, bless his heart.
Favorite Christmas Songs: Ones he can sing/hum along to in the squad car.
The Man With All The Toys by The Beach Boys
Celebrate Me Home by Kenny Loggins
Feliz Navidad by José Feliciano (Does Zenigata understand Spanish? Absolutely not. Does he get the point and think it’s festive? Darn right.)
A Holly Jolly Christmas by Burl Ives
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer by Dean Martin
Winter Wonderland by the Eurythmics
Silver Bells by Dean Martin
Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season by Andy Williams
Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town by Gene Autry
December by Earth, Wind, and Fire (Let him have this okay, it’s a good song and he gets made fun of for liking it by the rest of ICPO)
Skating by the Vince Guaraldi Trio
Favorite Christmas Drinks: Hot cocoa and eggnog, but not strong eggnog like Jigen’s.
Favorite Christmas Foods: Anything, really. It’s something besides cup noodles, so he’s grateful. Lupin’s gift always includes lots of various Christmas goodies because of this.
Favorite Christmas Activities: Zenigata enjoys the snow in theory, but doesn’t handle the cold well. So he likes to watch the snow from his window while he listens to Christmas music in his squad car and sips his hot cocoa.
Favorite Christmas Movies: He doesn’t really have a lot of time to sit down a watch a movie, with how hard he works. But he remembers a few from when he was younger, and he really likes those. His favorite is Frosty the Snowman.
Christmas Gifts: Something inexpensive because ICPO vastly underpays this poor man, and he’s always embarrassed because of that, but it’s always something super sweet and heartfelt.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! And for those who don’t celebrate it, HAPPY HOLIDAYS! <3
#lupin#lupin iii#lupin the 3rd#lupin the third#rupan sansei#daisuke jigen#jigen daisuke#fujiko mine#fujiko#mine Fujiko#koichi zenigata#zenigata#goemon#goemon ishikawa xiii#ishikawa goemon xiii#Christmas#Xmas#obligatory Christmas post right after thanksgiving
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Day 25
Characters: OC Angel Moore and The Avengers
Warnings: Fluff, possibly minor language
A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Holy cow, it came so fast. Well, here is the last part of my 24 Days fic. I am insanely proud of my self that I managed to pull this off. Well, if you celebrate Christmas, Merry Christmas to you all. If not, happy New Year. See you all in 2021!
If you would like to read the previous day’s story, you can read it HERE
If you would like to read the background to the OC Angel Moore, you can read it HERE
Olivia launched her small frame onto Angel the second the sun peaked above the horizon. With a groan, Angel sat up, scrubbing at her eyes tiredly.
“Merry Christmas!” The young child nearly shouted. Her enthusiasm started to scrub off on Angel, who grinned, scooping up her daughter into her arms, and standing up swiftly. Together they laughed joyfully, and Angel settled Olivia in the living room.
“Hot cocoa or apple cider, Livvey bear?” Angel asked, walking into the kitchen. Olivia placed her chin in her hands and thought for a moment.
“Cocoa, please,” She replied. Angel nodded and busied herself with fixing both her daughter and herself a mug.
“Can you please go put on your outfit? Natasha and Wanda are going to stop by before we go to breakfast, and I would like to be there as quickly as possible!” The small girl sprung from her spot on the sofa, crayon in hand, which she threw down and raced to her bag, tugging her dress and leggings out.
“You need underwear!” Angel called after Olivia. She sighed with a chuckle, shaking her head as her daughter popped back in to grab her under garments.
__________
A few minutes later, Wanda and Natasha entered Angel’s apartment, neglecting to knock. They knew they didn’t need to. Angel greeted them brightly as she finished pulling her sweater over her head.
“Merry Christmas!” They greeted each other simultaneously. Natasha scooped Olivia into her arms, hugging her close. The small girl wrapped her arms around the spy’s neck, nuzzling her cheek into the crook of her shoulder.
“Ready for breakfast, little Avenger?” Wanda asked, poking playfully at Olivia’s side. She squirmed and giggled. Her stomach growled loudly in response, and Wanda nodded.
“I guess so,” She said. Placing her hands on her hips, she nodded to Angel.
“Ready?”
“To eat the food that we spent hours on? Oh absolutely,” Angel playfully chirped. She followed them out the door, and down the hall to the elevators.
The four of them piled in, talking merry conversations. It had begun to snow outside. A snow flurry that wasn’t projected for this day. Angel was going to have to remember to thank Thor.
The doors rang, not in the usual single bell that they normally would, but with a jingle of sleigh bells. They stepped out of the glass box, and into the hallway that would lead them to the common area shortly.
Natasha put Olivia down, and she ran to each member of the team, greeting them both a good morning and a Merry Christmas. Angel walked up to Tony, who was silently examining the glowing tree. He had a cup of coffee in his hand, and a smile on his face.
Dressed in jeans and a button down shirt, this was one of the most casual looks she had seen him in. Except for that time she caught him in his pajamas, getting food at two in the morning. That, she will forever hold in her heart and over his head.
“I think Santa brought Livvey bear a few more presents than usual,” She said with a pointed look at Tony. He put his hands up and shook his head.
“No, hey, don’t look at me. Look at him,” He said, pointing an accusatory finger towards Steve. The blond captain smiled bashfully with a shrug. Angel gave him a look of annoyance, but her features betrayed that she wasn’t too upset.
“Clint, for the thousandth time, fork goes here, spoon here,” Natasha said, moving the utensils around. He groaned, and began switching the cutlery around. Angel shook her head and moved to help him.
“Who decorated the table?” She asked over the voices of the other Avengers. A few grumbles, a few shrugs, and a few silent moments. A hand was raised. Shiny and metal.
“I did,” Bucky admitted. Angel blinked a few times, and smiled at him brightly.
“It looks beautiful,” She told him. He looked to the floor and smiled, Angel patting his shoulder lightly. He mumbled his thanks and went off to continue setting up the table.
__________
Twelve people, eleven and a half Avengers. All crowded around a long table, decorated with a red tablecloth, and some of the most glorious smelling food that they had ever smelled.
Laughing, eating, being merry.
Peter had shown up, Santa hat webbed to the top of his mask, about a half hour before they sat down for breakfast. He carried a brown sack, where he found it, he would not answer, filled with wrapped presents.
“Wanda, I don’t know what you put in these, but they are incredible,” Tony said, holding up a miniature quiche.
“What I did, was got you out of the kitchen,” She retaliated. Tony frowned, but took another bite. A bubble of laughter erupted around the table at Tony’s expense, but he soon took it lightly and smiled with them.
With joyful energy, they continued eating, chatting, and joking with one another.
They ate quickly, each one infecting the other with spirit of the season. Each one eager to move on to presents and stockings.
Thor was the one to call them all away from the table, surprisingly. They stood, abandoning the dishes and cleaning for later, once they were all digested, and moved to sit in the common area, where the tree was alight with thousands of glowing bulbs.
Olivia would have dove head first into the stack of presents with her name on them, if Angel was not physically holding her back. Steve laughed as he watched her distress, and bent to scoop the squirming girl up, lifting her higher and higher until she sat on his shoulders.
“I think Santa came,” He said, looking up.
“SANTA!” She squealed, bouncing up and down as best she could. Steve readjusted his grip on her legs, and walked forward, shaking his head with a huge smile.
“Oh, Pete, Santa came for you too,” Tony said, tossing Peter a small box, about the size that a necklace might come in. The spider plucked at the ribbon around the wrapping paper, and looked up.
Steve let Olivia down, and she ran to the stockings, beginning to distribute them around.
“That’s from all of us,” Natasha drops her voice, placing her hand on his shoulder, and pointing at the box. Peter furrowed his brow, and snapped the ribbon, tearing at the paper.
He pulled the lid off with a gasp, and looked around to the team. Digging in, he extracted a small card. An identification card.
“I’m an Avenger now?!”
“Sure are, kid.” Tony grinned at him, shoving his hands in his pockets. Peter launched forward to give him a hug, nearly snapping his ribs with the force. Although his hug lingered on the billionaire, he gave a bear hug to each team member. Angel embraced him with a hearty laugh, rubbing up and down his back.
“Congratulations, Peter. I can’t think of a single hero more deserving of this,” She whispers in his ear before letting go. He hugs back just a little tighter before stepping back.
They settled down onto the couches, or seats, or the floor, and began with the stockings. Then the gifts, turning the entire common room into a storm of jolly paper.
__________
All too soon, it was time for Angel to bring Olivia back to her father. The child said her goodbyes, and gripped her mother’s hand tightly as they walked out to the landing platform.
“You have all your things?”
“Yeah,” Olivia said.
“Including whatever gifts you wanted to bring back to dad’s?” Olivia nodded, clutching her Harbinger stuffy to her chest. It had been a gift from Sam, who said it was for whenever Olivia missed her mom. Angel had nearly burst into tears then and there.
“Alright, let's go then,” Angel said as she picked her daughter up, tucking her close to her chest. She took a running start, and dove off the landing platform, her wings unfurling as she dropped, jerking her slightly as they caught the cold air.
“Merry Christmas, my little Livvey bear,” Angel said, pressing a kiss to the top of her daughter’s head.
24 Days Tags:
@im-a-light-child @nomadicpixel
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There is no limit to how many good songs exist! There are just so many!
My June playlist is finished, and on time too! Please enjoy all manner of bangers from Dave Brubeck, Nelly Furtado and everyone in between.
listen here
Night And Day - Hot Chip: I’ve started a band with some friends and my friend Tiana (who has requested a special shoutout in this playlist and is currently receiving it!) suggested this as a song for us to learn and she was extremely right to do it! It’s extremely funky and probably the most i’ve ever liked Hot Chip because they’ve finally allowed themselves to be emotional and feel the most important emotion of all: horniness.
Infinity Guitars - Sleigh Bells: The other day a friend of mine said ‘hey whatever happened to Sleigh Bells?’ and guess what: they have five albums and continue to release new music as recently as last year. They seem to steadfastly refuse to advance their sound and you’ve got to give them props for that. When nobody else sounds anything like you the smartest thing you can do is double down on your own weird thing. I’ve always loved this song and am totally enamoured by whatever mixing trick it is that enables this song to start loud as fuck and somehow finish even louder no matter what volume you play it at.
Hurricane - Bob Dylan: I haven’t watched the Rolling Thunder Revue thing on Netflix yet but I’m excited to because this is a good Dylan era and I’m always down for more footage of the world’s freak Bobby D acting like a maniac. This song is a good example of how have no control over how music is consumed once you release it because this is ostensibly a serious and angry protest song about a great injustice but my greatest memory of it is for at least a month when I was in boarding school a guy in my dorm would play it every morning super loud and we would all yell the words along as we were getting dressed. Having a great time being fifteen and yelling happily about a miscarriage of justice.
Grindin' - Clipse: I started putting together a playlist of songs with super minimal or no pitched instrumentation that almost totally rely on the percussion and the vocals to carry it. Basically the Pharrell special because he did it on this and Drop It Like It’s Hot and I’m sure more songs of his I haven’t heard yet. But also songs like Lipgloss by Lil Mama, Fix Up Look Sharp by Dizzee Rascal, Tipsy By J-Kwon (almost if it didn’t have the baseline) and The Whisper Song by The Ying Yang Twins. There’s heaps more I’m sure. It was a real minimal style for a little while in the mid 2000s and I think it’s great. It gives you so much space in the mix and it’s a great lesson: if the beat is hot enough and you’ve got enough charisma to carry the vocal you don’t need anything else at all.
Rock Lobster - The B-52's: Did you know the guitar in this is tuned CFFFFF? Did you know this song is nearly 7 minutes long? Did you know The B-52s had a hit with this and then didn’t have another hit until Love Shack fully ten years later? Truly everything about this song is insane.
Johnny Irony - Bad//Dreems: I think ‘are you bleeding?’ is my favourite bit of pre-song hot mic dialogue i’ve ever heard. I love the energy of this song, and what a fun throwback it is to I guess reference Lead Belly’s ancient song about doing cocaine Take A Whiff On Me for a new modern twist on a song about doing cocaine.
Girls On Film - Duran Duran: Have you ever noticed how the bass in this song is absolutely popping off? It rocks. I listened to just the isolated bass track on youtube the other day and it’s my new favourite song. I’m having a big moment with this early eighties art-funk thing where someone figured out you could put huge funky basslines into rock music and completely changed the game.
Love - Lana Del Rey: I figured out this month that my vocal range seems to be just Lana Del Rey but an octave lower which is absolutely great news for anyone that wants to hear me sing this song in a cowboy voice in my car.
Want You In My Room - Carly Rae Jepsen: I am absolutely in love with this song and also absolutely furious at it. Absolutely in love with the way it’s written like a duet with herself, trading lines and overlapping and harmonising. The big ascending guitar line that leads into the chorus. I love how horny the lyrics are, I love the very 80s robot voice in the chorus who also wants to fuck. It’s just phenomenal, which brings me to the the think that makes me so furious: this song just fades out? After the second chorus just as the saxophone comes in? Just as it’s getting good???
Genevieve (Unfinished) - Jai Paul: It's just unbelievable how good this sounds. The bass sound. The way the whole mix seems to float around. The cuts to silence that feel like someone took a razor randomly to the master. It all culminates in this frenetic nervous energy that feels like the song could just fall apart and stop at any point. And it does! It just fades to silence and then comes back in as a totally different song near the end before fading away again.
Elephant Talk - King Crimson: King Crimson is on Spotify now and I’m comically striking them off my list of Bands I Have A Grudge Against For Not Being On Spotify. It’s always kind of surprised me that for someone who loved The Mars Volta as much as I did I never really had a big King Crimson phase. I always liked them fine, and I love this song, but I never really sat down and gave them a proper listen. Maybe now they’re on streaming that’s all about to change and my girlfriend will have to suffer accordingly.
Kids In The Dark - Bat For Lashes: Very excited for Bat For Lashes next album if this is an indication of the direction. She's always had a very hazy 80s feeling, so purposefully leaning into it is only going to be great.
CHORDS For Organ - Ellen Arkbro: My favourite lady is back with 15 minutes of rock solid chords. Something I've been thinking recently in regards to Ellen Arkbro and Holly Herndon is people who make pretentious art unpretentiously, truly believing in their process and outcomes but very aware of and fine with the fact that it's silly, useless or unlistenable to anyone who's not interested. Ellen Arkbro posted a photo of an organ on instagram the other day and wrote "turned out this was one of the biggest instruments in berlin and it was also connected up to two other organs in the same space. Despite that I ended up playing an extremely quiet version of my music. I don't really know how that happened. I will play a louder version in st giles cripple gate in london this saturday if you're around" She posts like Courtney Barnett about her experimental organ drone music, I just love it. As for the music itself I don't really know how to explain this other than if you let it it can be extremely overwhelming. It's also the closest I've come musically to Malevich's Black Square and how I feel about that, which is hard to explain properly other that to say I love it.
SWIM - Holly Herndon: I'm obsessed with this Holly Herndon album. It's just amazing though I think the marketing and a lot of the writing about it is sort of.. misleading? There's a lot of emphasis being put on the machine learning and AI aspects of it, which as undoubtedly good and cool as they are, are sort of overshadowing what's so good about this in a simple way which is that it's just choral music for the future. It feels like it reaches so far back and so far forward at the same time it's incredible.
Too Real/Television Screens - Fontaines D.C.: I really had to stop myself from putting the whole Fontaines DC album on here because quite literally every single song on this is amazing. Just when you think guitar music is well and truly dead it pulls you back in!! Also the way he says 'aaa' at the start of Too Real just absolutely kills me.
Dangerous Match Ten - Scientist: I forget where I read it but some bass player was saying she learned to play by listening to Scientist albums, and so that made me listen to Scientist for the first time and go on a long dub trail and have a very good and dangerous day where I thought “..what if I become a dub guy?”. It’s very good. I don’t know anything about dub really, we don’t really have the jamaican population here for it to have any cultural currency like it does in america and the UK so my biggest exposure is the Dub radio station from GTA III and San Andreas which I’m now learning was mostly made up of Scientist songs anyway. Anyway dub is good, please keep an eye one me and watch as this playlist evolves into me becoming an evangelical dub guy over the next few months and start calling everyone m’brethren in a racist way.
Lipitor - Longmont Potion Castle: Lipitor. This is unfortunately unavailable on Australian spotify which is a crime but if you're from anywhere else please enjoy.
A Lot’s Gonna Change/ Andromeda - Weyes Blood: I am having such a time with this Weyes Blood album. Yesterday I spent all day playing A Lot’s Gonna Change over and over and over and today I spent all day listening to Andromeda over and over and learning how to play it. I suspect this will happen to me with the entire album, it has a complete hold over me.
I’ve listened to Weyes Blood before and she’s never really grabbed me and so it took a lot of people rhapsodising about this one to get me to give it a go and I’m so glad I finally did. This album really took me by surprise, and looking back now I love the development of her sound: from her original spacy noisy thing to the bonafide soft rock of Front Row Seat To Earth to this - an expensive sounding 70s singer songwriter pop album of absolutely devastating beauty and inventiveness.
Wasting My Young Years - London Grammar: I think what's so interesting about this song is that it sounds like an acoustic cover of a trance song. I don't really know how to explain it better than that. The way the deceptively fast four on the floor drums come in, the sort of adult-contemporary The XX instrumentation, the whole structure of it, it feels like a BBC Live Lounge cover of some forgotten rave classic. I love it regardless but it's an odd song as well.
Left Hand - Beast Coast: Beast Coast is lames and I didn't make it more that halfway through the album. On the fourth song there's a verse where one of these guys is doing that rap thing of talking way to graphically about eating pussy. He says lick lick lick it's gross. Anyway this song rocks though. The beat is that perfect mix of hard as hell and a little bit spooky and I love any song where one million guys do like four lines each.
Hung Up - Madonna: In the wake of not listening to Madame X I've been reflecting on how it's been 15 years since Madonna's last true banger, Hung Up, and in my opinion she's a legend forever for this song alone. Do you remember the Madonna x Gorillaz performance at the 2006 Grammys? Where she walked BEHIND the hologram? She still has so much to teach us.
Never Fight A Man With A Perm - IDLES: I love just how purely sweaty man muscle this song is. 'concrete to leather' are you kidding me?? That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. 'You look like you're from Love Island' also quite good.
Speakers Going Hammer - Soulja Boy: I was listening to this the other day and had to keep stopping and rewinding because of how advanced the flow is when he says 'Style swift hot like it's July 10th/Fly chick in my whip with nice tits/Her boyfriend paid for it, I didn't" he's like five minutes in front of the beat and combined with the internal assonance it just sounds sick as hell.
African Woman - Ebo Taylor: Man goes ham on toy piano must see
(I’m Not Your) Stepping Stone - The Monkees: My friend Tiana (who I've mentioned twice now!) came to band practice and said she saw The Monkees last night. I thought no, that's impossible. The Monkees are all long dead, forgotten legends from a forgotten age. BUT I was wrong! Michael Nesmith and Micky Dolenz, the surviving Monkees tour to this day! And she introduced me to this great song which we learned for the band! Monkees forever!
Whoo! Alright! Yeah! .. Uh Huh - The Rapture: Somehow as time goes on this song becomes more and more important to me and more and more groovy.I used to think life’s a bitter pill but it’s a grand old time. Now that’s wisdom.
World Of Stone/Loinclothing - Hunters And Collectors: I've been getting very heavily into early Hunters And Collectors over the last couple of months. I think I put Loinclothing on last months playlist as well but fuck it, it's great. It's so primal and raw it feels like the first caveman who learned to talk fronting a band of cavemen who sing songs about caveman issues and passion. I love the incredibly wide open sound the drums and bass have and the fidgety guitar combined with the unhinged vocals creates this really unique ambience of menace and power without ever getting particularly busy and losing the spaciousness. Feels like yelling about monkeys on a wide open desert plain.
Coisa No. 10 - Marcello Gonçalves and Anat Cohen: I found this song ages ago on ABC Jazz I think, and I absolutely love the intricacies of it. It twists and folds in on itself over and over and over without ever losing the groove or relaxing into anything easy. There's so much tension in it even though the melody and groove are so fun, it's a great mix. I also found out it's from an album that's a tribute to someone I'd never heard of before named Moacir Santos, so I got the great joy of discovering his music via this song as well.
Monologue/Nana - Moacir Santos: Moacis Santos, as I understand it, was one of Henry Mancini's film composition assistants and also the guy that taught all the Boss Nova geniuses like Sergio Mendes. I love this Monologue where he tells the story of a mystical vision that inspired this song, which you assume being inspired by a vision would be of mythical importance and weight and but instead sounds like the theme to a cartoon about a grandma who has superpowers.
Weird People - Little Mix: I need more info about the identity of the robot voice in this song. What is his relationship to the singer. He starts off antagonistic: “get off the wall” then commenting on what happened to her: “fell off the wall” then just echoing her: “on the other side” then becoming her “i’m living my life”. It’s complicated and hard to explain but I believe the robot voice in this song is god. Anyway this song is a masterpiece. It’s an incredibly goofy and great piece of 80s revival that imagines a glorious alternate future where Oh Yeah by Yello is the template for all pop music.
3 Legged Dog - Marisa Anderson: Marisa Anderson used to write songs with words here and there among her instrumentals but it seems that over the last couple of albums she’s decided to stick to instrumentals only which I think is a shame. She’s obviously brilliant at it but I’d hate to be missing out on beautiful little slices like this. I love how small time this song is, it feels like a song you’d sing to yourself more than a song for anyone else.
Nighttime Suite - Adam Gnade & Demetrius Francisco Antuña: Adam Gnade is a guy I’ve been following for about ten years now who seems determined to stay obscure. He self-releases all his stuff in limited editions or on cassettes, some of my favourite things he’s ever done don’t seem to be available anywhere digitally any more (if they ever were). I remember years ago he seemed hard up for cash and he ran a deal on his website called a ‘lifetime subscription’ where if you sent him I think $100 he would send you everything he’s ever done AND would continue to send you everything he made in the future for the rest of his life. It was absolutely great, I would get CD-Rs and tapes and zines and things delivered randomly to my mailbox every so often for a couple of years and they were all fantastic. I guess at some point my lifetime subscription lapsed because he’s released a bunch of stuff I haven’t heard or read but that’s ok, you shouldn’t be able to buy someone’s eternal soul for $100.
Adam Gnade has developed his own style of folk music where he just recites a sort of prose poetry over music and it’s incredible. In the hands of anyone else it could feel overly pretentious, and he pretty often rides that line. He’s reaching for a sort of poet laureate of Americana ideal but very often he actually grabs it. His writing is great and magnifies the minor details of normal life into larger symptoms of the American mindset, like depression-era songs of marginalised and exploited people individualised and updated for the modern era. Most of the time he backs himself on a lazily strummed guitar or banjo and his music sounds like sitting on the front step or laying down in the tall grass, but for this song he’s teamed up with Demetrius Francisco Antuña for some real Godspeed feeling dark soundscapes and it’s really something.
We Are The Same - Lurch And Chief: I think it's a damn shame that Lurch And Chief broke up before they even put an album out because this song is a damn classic and I have begun praying every day for the return of Lurch and/or Chief. I love a big voice and there's two distinctly huge voices in this song fighting for position.
983/Near DT, MI - Black Midi: Fucking hell I love this Black Midi album. I'm so, so glad it exists. It feels like the next generation of the Slint Hella, Tera Melos etc lineage of math rock and I simply can't get enough of it. Pump it directly into my veins I'm obsessed with it.
Take Control - Amerie: I just screamed out loud in my car hearing this song for the first time because it samples Jimmy, Renda Se by Tom Zé one of my absolute favourite songs ever. And samples it amazingly, totally transforms it into something new while keeping the spirit of the original. Do you ever feel like a song was just made for you personally? It’s a very kind thing of my vlogger wife Amerie to do for me but I guess that’s just how she is. Also, thanks to Spotify’s new feature where you can see the actual credits for songs I got to find out that Hall And Oates are credited on this because it basically interpolates the the whole verse melody from You Make My Dreams Come True which I didn’t even realise until I looked up why they were credited.
Unsquare Dance - Dave Brubeck: Dave Brubeck's brain is huge. I can't belive it's possible to make 7/4 this funky. How come nobody else ever ripped off this rhythm? It deserves to be a whole genre. I also totally love the piano solo near the end where it turns into like a funky 7/4 stride and then abruply ends with a shave and haircut like it's 1925.
Suddenly - French Vanilla: Get a load of this fucking slice of dance punk that Discover Weekly served me up. I haven't even listened ot the album yet because I just love this song so much I'm stuck on it. Singing "I like the nightlife! I'm in the spotlight!" like you're being hunted with a knife? Incredible. The impromptue glossolalia about halfway through? Incredible. Everything about the saxophone? Incredible
Maneater - Nelly Furtado: There's nothing deft or subtle about Timbaland. Everything he does is just so heavy handed and thick. The drums in this are so straightforward and they sound like garbage cans.. Nothing ever plays at he same time as anything else . It's like a gorilla learned to play and it's absolutely fucking sick. And then the whole rest of the song! His insanely thick buzzy synth lines against the big beautifully stack clean harmonies
I, The Witchfinder - Electric Wizard: I've been getting back into Skyrim because I have a little worm living in my brain and I've discovered a good trick is to turn off the game music and turn on Electric Wizard instead. It increases the ambience because it feels like if you did an x-ray of the Dragonborn's head this is all that would be in there. It's just stoner metal in there and no other thoughts.
Music Sounds Better With You - Stardust: Can you believe how lucky we are to live in a world where the greatest song ever written is finally available on spotify? You can just listen to this any time of the night or day and immediately improve your life.
Don’t Chew - Spilled Oats: Here’s a very good and underexplored idea: what if guitar music but it sounds like chopped and screwed? Absolutely dynamite.
As an extra bonus treat here the absolute best ever chopped and screwed channel I’ve found on youtube, please explore Scobed & Robed: https://www.youtube.com/user/scottalexanderburton
listen here
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what are your favorite lemon demon songs and why :D ?
Glad you asked! I’m always happy to talk about Lemon Demon music. (Even though it took me forever to respond. I am sorry about that!)
So without further ado, my favourite Lemon Songs are:
The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. This is basically one of those big, increasingly insane, multi-franchise mashups mega battle everyone made up when they were a kid set to a funky beat. How can you not love it? Another thing is that it all starts with Godzilla and Batman showing up and ticking each other off—not only is it hilarious imaging two of my childhood icons going at it, but it reminds me of a plan for an actual Godzilla vs. Batman crossover! …Okay, maybe I’m reading into things here.
The Only House That’s (Not) on Fire Yet. This is one of Lemon Demon’s more chill songs and I like that. It has all the fixing of your average LD song (snappy wordplay, musing on life, aloof singer character who may or may not be in his right mind,) but it has a calmer energy. When I listen to it, it feels like I’m wandering the house on a cool autumn evening, looking out on the neighbourhood, which is currently on fire, while plotting what to do next…
Reaganomics. This resonates with me for a couple of reasons: 1) I love me some criticism of short-sighted economic policies! 2) The lyrics of the song, while obviously making fun of how Reagan’s free-market economics were a nice idea that went nowhere (or at least nowhere good from what I heard), tell the story of a man who wants to save his love and his country from the oppression of a faulty capitalist economy that suffocates its citizens, when really he’s just making promises that he hopes everyone will believe. I’m no government official, but sometimes when I see everyone I know and love being run into the ground as the world seemingly plummets in an economic freefall brought on by rampant capitalism, I just can’t help but want to jump and help them. Oh, and this song is another slapper.
Touch-Tone Telephone. The hook is so infectious, I love the instrumentation, and it has a cute story to go with it: paranoid conspiracy theorist tries to get in touch with a radio host. What I love about it is how you can read into it. Is the theorist trying to prove that he’s actually onto something and not some crackpot, so that he can save the world and hopefully get some respect at long last? Or is he trying to admit his feeling for the radio host without sounding like a hopeless lunatic? …while also trying to save the world. It’s great fun to listen to, and it reminds me of some of the awkward conversations I’ve had with my friends as I try to get my convoluted point across.
Knife Fight. You can’t talk about this one without giving away the surprise, but let’s just I like how well it matches my two sides: edgy and silly.
Brodyquest. This song makes me want to watch Adrien Brody movies, dress up as Adrien Brody, and then parade through the streets with a keytar and an Oscar. Sometimes that’s all you need in a song.
White Bread Boyfriend. I’m a cishet white dude and this song is tailor-made to insult me, and every guy like me—and by Jove, it makes it sound good! Seriously though, this is literally the anthem for all the crappy, “mediocre” white guys who think they’re the most romantic human on the planet when, in reality, they’re self-centered D-bags with some obnoxiously low standards. Trust me when I say there’s nothing more cathartic than listening somebody make fun of these wankers. Not to mention it’s a helpful reminder for what not to do for if and when this wanker meets a girl who actually likes him. (*wink, wink*)
No Eyed-Girl. If there’s one thing I love it’s a good love song. If there’s another thing I love it’s the love between two people who come from two different worlds, and/or two people of different species. Especially one’s where one loves the other even though they’re an eldritch creature whose world can melt our brains. Wanting to be with someone, even if physical contact with you results in total vaporization, is beautiful. It’s the kind of devotion you just don’t see in love songs these days.
Cabinet Man. Without a doubt one of my favourites. It’s a fun song with a catchy beat about a horrible thing that happens to a man who loses his humanity as he turns into a hideous half-arcade-cabinet-half-human zombie. It’s a great showcase of Neil’s ability to write something that reads like a Stephen King story but plays like an absolute banger. It’s black comedy at its finest as the singer goes through the ups and downs of becoming a living arcade cabinet. Also, I will never get the chorus out of my head.
Aurora Borealis. This was the first Lemon Demon song that I listened to, and since I have a habit of making my first exposure to something my favourite, this is probably my all-time favourite. That and I’m a huge sucker for Christmas stuff. I love how it’s so sweet and so creepy at the same time, with a (dubiously human) guy trying to enjoy a romantic Christmas Eve with his lover amidst the end of the world. The ending tugs at my heartstrings, too, not just because Christmas is being marked by an eldritch apocalypse (actually that’s kind of cool), but because despite his best efforts, the singer’s plans falls apart and he’s left alone in the Yuletide hellscape. The electronic instrumentation and the sleigh bells make for a great sound, too.
Honourable Mention: It’s About to Get Weird. Remember what I said about firsts and favourites with “Aurora Borealis”? Well, I have a confession to make: Although that was my first Lemon Demon song, it wasn’t my first Neil Cicierega song—this was. I’m a huge Gravity Falls fan and when I first heard this song, I was genuinely disappointed they didn’t use it. In addition to being a great villain song for Bill, I love that it mixes gleeful showtunes with the most demented imagery; it’s not just Bill’s kind of song, it’s my kind of song, as well as a perfect introduction to Neil’s talents as singer and songwriter. Well, even if we didn’t hear it Weirdmaggeddon, at least we can listen to it whenever we want.
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Christmas With The Joker
“It’s not relentlessly cheerful, is it?”
So, only one episode in, and they do a Christmas special. One episode into this series that they wanted to be dark, serious, and adult…and they do a Christmas special. A Batman. Christmas. Special. Huh. Well, it is becoming that time of year. So let’s sleigh right into:
Christmas With The Joker
SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT
Villain: The Joker
Robin: Yes
Writer: Eddie Gorodetsky
Director: Kent Butterworth
Animator: Akom
Airdate: November 13, 1992
Episode Grade: B
This episode holds the distinction of being the very first episode of Batman The Animated Series I ever saw. I had seen Mask Of The Phantasm prior (which was a glorious place to start), and eventually Warner Brothers started releasing these Batman TAS VHS tapes each featuring a particular villain. My mom bought me one featuring the Joker, which included this episode, along with The Laughing Fish. I picked it out specifically because of the screenshot of the Joker wrapped up in his straightjacket shown on the back, and I assumed this was from his origin episode. I didn’t get an origin episode, but I did get a Christmas special that I now watch every single year. I absolutely love it.
I’ve always been someone that enjoys the darker side of Christmas. Carol Of the Bells. A Christmas Carol. That one Twilight Zone episode featuring a drunk Santa Claus that ends up making Christmas magical for everyone. It’s funny, because despite this, I very much enjoy the more innocent side of Halloween (think of cute Beistle die cuts or Scooby Doo). This episode fits right into this archetype, and maybe that is why I love it so much. Of course, this isn’t the only reason. We also get the first appearance of the Joker, voiced by Mark Hamill (yes, that Mark Hamill), and overall a very entertaining episode, Christmas concept aside.
So it’s Christmas Eve, and Dick Grayson (Robin) is home for the holidays. All he wants to do is spend the night relaxing to Christmas dinner and It’s a Wonderful Life, but Bruce isn’t about to let up his night watch just because of the following day. He just knows that something will happen, and right as he finally gives in to Robin’s movie request, we see that the Joker has somehow interrupted pretty much every channel broadcast, and is airing a Christmas special all his own. Featuring a kidnapped Commissioner Gordon, Detective Bullock, and Summer Gleeson, a news reporter (I had no idea it was her before reading it on the DCAU wiki. Kinda cool that it’s not simply some unnamed character!). Batman, aware of the Joker’s love of destructive games sets out with Robin to find his broadcast, and put an end to the Christmas Eve havoc. Throughout the episode he gets sidetracked by an exploding train track (done by the Joker of course), a barrage of cannonballs being fired straight into the city (done by, again, the Joker), and a barrage of Christmas-themed dangers at an abandoned toy factory. At the end of the episode, with the Joker found, and the kidnapped three dangling above a vat of acid, the Joker has Batman open up a special present addressed specifically for him (complete with bat wrapping paper). “Don’t do it, Batman!” shouts Robin, but Batman knows that it’s the only way to save the three and Gotham City as a whole. What’s inside? A pie in the face, what else? Immediately afterward, although Joker tries to run, he slips on a roller skate and nearly falls into the acid himself…but is caught by Batman on the way down. Everyone is saved, and the two heroes even get to finally watch their Christmas special in peace.
Let’s talk about the two big things with this episode: Robin and the Joker. The idea of using an older Robin was obviously a way to bring some realism to the character, and to not ruin the tone that they were going for. Robin is historically kind of a goofy character, and was meant to be a role model for the kiddies. Wanting to avoid specifically kid elements in their show, they used a college-aged Robin. I think it works sometimes, and not so much at other times. It is a little weird seeing such an old character wearing the Robin outfit, but they also made an effort to tone down the silliness of it a little bit. Thank god we didn’t get those little elf shoes and those freshly-waxed legs. While Robin’s usefulness varies throughout the show, I think in this episode they work pretty well together, and for an episode like this, it gives Batman someone to talk to, and introduces some comic relief. Hearing Batman referred to as a Scrooge and seeing him bag on Robin’s choice of movies is pretty funny, and I feel like these two have similar exchanges about Christmas as a lot of us do in real life. The action scenes with Robin were also pretty good, and I never really felt like either of them had nothing to do/were a damsel in distress. That’s the one thing about Robin that bugs me sometimes, and it wasn’t until much later when they got consistently good at having more than one superhero on screen at once, balancing everything out. I will admit, some of it did get a little too corny for my liking…particularly the way Batman would bark things like, “Easy, Robin!” But it also reminded me a little bit of the Adam West show in a charming way that I accept much more with a Christmas episode. So take these comments how you take them.
And the Joker? Fantastic debut. He’s funny. He’s menacing. He’s batshit insane. He’s charismatic. He’s everything a classic, definitive Joker should be. I love Heath as much as anyone else, but being a great Joker vs being a definitive Joker are two different things. I wouldn’t get rid of either of them, and I think they both perfectly represent the type of character they are meant to be. I think the Joker changed a lot throughout this show. He giggles unlike later in the series here, and he’s clearly mentally unstable in a different, albeit very fun way. But then there are moments like where he laughs in someone’s face because he knows that her mother is on a train that is headed straight for a blown up bridge. He’s that character that you love to hate, and as much as you want Batman to sock each and every one of those yellow teeth out of his mouth, you also can’t help but root for him to keep getting away just so that you get more of him. It is kinda weird for me picturing this episode’s version of the Joker with Harley, and Harley Quinn may be the main reason why the Joker’s personality changed a little bit and got a hair more serious. In this episode he’s like, well, a cartoon character. More than usual. He has a stylized personality as much as he has a stylized look.
When I mentioned earlier that this episode fits alongside a lot of the darker aspects of Christmas, to clarify a little bit more, it’s not just because you have a psychotic killing clown and a scary guy dressed as a bat. It also has the vintage aspect to it. You have the “dark deco” 30′s aesthetic already in place. Then you add the vintage-looking wintery landscape...the Nutcracker music...and even the dark, snowy city that almost makes me think of Victorian England. I think all of this creates the old-timey Christmas feel without shoving religious morals, or Santa Claus, or greedy marketing down our throats. It succeeds in being a Christmas special almost exclusively through vibes, and mention of it being the holiday. Okay, and Robin’s green and red pajamas are pretty festive as well. The DCAU would do a couple more Christmas episodes later, another one of them being Batman, and while this one is also great, it communicates Christmas in a vastly different way than this one, a way which is much more modern. Both can be great, but this is the Batman Christmas special I will come back to year after year.
As far as my girlfriend Char’s impressions, she really liked this episode too. As someone who has never seen a single episode of the DCAU before this blog, she said that she expected and was hoping for Harley Quinn, but wasn’t necessarily disappointed that she didn’t show up. Picturing a world of Batman TAS before Harley’s existence is something that I feel like we all sorta gloss over since it’s almost like she’s always existed. And while the show got better with her first appearance, I’m glad that they could do a solid Joker beforehand. Char loved the Joker’s representation, and was surprisingly very much in line with what she expected from the character. She said that he was very creepy, but in a very entertaining way. She also noted his design, particularly his color pallet (wait till she sees TNBA). Some more comments about Harley Quinn were made, and she’s scared for Harley after seeing what a maniac the Joker is. She ships Harley and Poison Ivy, something that I see a lot. I don’t necessarily disagree 100%, but, well, we’ll save a lot of that conversation for later.
An older Robin was something that Char was really into, and I got the impression that she never really cared for the super young Robin, as, well, yeah, it is kinda strange. Back when the character was introduced, maybe not so much, nut nowadays? Yeah. What the hell, Batman. Also, Loren Lester provides a voice that she always sorta pictures with the character, and again, she noted how definitive everything seemed.
Some other stray observations she made:
She agreed with me on some of Batman’s lines being corny, but she also found them a little bit creepy.It was a unique Christmas special.
Batman and Robin sorta feel like father and son, but only sorta. This is something the show will get into much more as we go on.
She thought the Joker would make a hilarious game show host if he weren’t, well, evil.
She noted how shitty the star on the tree at the very beginning was. Apparently Arkham Asylum needs a better interior decorator.
And lastly, she loved the ending. As do I. It’s so unsettling, yet so perfect. Better than what I expected when I saw the screenshot on the back of the VHS as a kid.
Char’s grade: B
Major Firsts: The Joker, Robin, Summer Gleeson, Arkham Asylum, Xmas episode, we see the Batmobile has a TV, a musical number (The Joker sings)
Next time: Nothing To Fear
#dcau#dc animated universe#batman#batman tas#batman the animated series#the joker#christmas#xmas#christmas with the joker#robin
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Join us for the #NewRelease Tour with #Giveaway
Title: Second Chance Santa
Author: JJ Knight
Genre: Standalone Romantic Comedy
I never thought the love of my life would turn out to be -- a mall Santa.
What has happened to Mack McAllister?
We were law school rivals.
Absolutely insane in bed.
Our two-year fling ended when we graduated.
He had his ambitions. I had mine.
We were going to slay the competition.
Now he’s sleighing it?
When I stalk him at Riverside Mall, he looks like Santa in every way. White beard. Rosy cheeks. Kid on his knee.
But I know better. That bowl full of jelly is hiding ripped abs.
I’ve been inside that suit.
Something’s happened to the Mack I knew ten years ago.
I don’t know how he feels about me now, but there’s only one way to find out.
Get in there and jingle those bells.
#secondchancesanta #secondchancesantajjknight #jjknightauthor #kuromance #amazon #buynow #mustread #standalone #romanticcomedy #newrelease #kindleunlimited #paperback #audiobook #enticingjourney
@DeannaRoy
Hosted by Enticing Journey Book Promotions
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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 05/12/2020
Earlier this week, I finished and released by end-of-year list of the Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2020, which, for once, was on time, being released on the 1st – or 2nd – of December, depending on your time zone. That means I’ve already spent hours discussing music, and to be honest, I have a pretty bad headache in addition to this, so you know, I’m not really in that chart-reviewing spirit. Thankfully, we have very few songs to review here, and a lot of it should be pretty inoffensive. Now, before that, let’s talk about the actual state of the charts because it is looking ridiculous. Ariana Grande’s “positions” spend its sixth week at #1, and welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.
Rundown
Much like last week, it was an absolute bloodbath for any non-Christmas song this week, and this especially affects the hip hop and R&B on the chart. In the UK Top 75, which I cover every week, there’s a drastic difference to the US Billboard Hot 100, and that is the lack of radio. Radio impressions or plays have never been counted on the UK Singles Chart, and whilst in the States, I understand that a lot of Christmas songs rely on the radio, this is not true at all across the pond, because, for whatever reason, Christmas songs are streamed and bought a lot here even 60 years after the song’s original release. This is likely due to a smaller, arguably less diverse population and the immense amount of streaming service-curated playlists, which serve the same purpose as radio and often have the exact same label gimmickry and payola. Regardless, there is a stupid amount of drop-outs and fallers this week, for pretty big tracks as well. Now as I said I only cover the top 75 of the UK Singles Chart because it’s just easier and really, who cares about those last 25 songs? On the UK Singles Chart proper, Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved”, one of the biggest hits of 2019 and 2020, just spent its 100th week on the chart, which is insane, especially for a modern song. I think the song is dreadful but it is one of the biggest songs of all time here on the Isles, and since we’re going by my measures, it just dropped out (after spending seven weeks at #1, mind you). Of course, that’s not the only notable drop-out – and to be notable, you have to have spent five weeks on the chart or peaked in the top 40 – this week. Let’s list them, shall we? We have “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles, which spent 40 weeks on the chart, as well as #1 hit “Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)” by Jawsh 685 and Jason Derulo, “Giants” by Dermot Kennedy, “Mood Swings” by the late Pop Smoke featuring Lil Tjay, “Lighter” by Nathan Dawe and KSI, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo, “Holiday” by Little Mix, “Tick Tock” by Clean Bandit featuring Mabel and 24kGoldn, “Come Over” by Rudimental featuring Anne-Marie and Tion Wayne, “Lasting Lover” by Sigala and James Arthur, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper, “One Too Many” by Keith Urban and P!nk, “Papi Chulo” by Octavian and Skepta, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals, “Deluded” by Tion Wayne and MIST, “Confetti” by Little Mix, “pov” by Ariana Grande (to make way for another one of her songs we’ll get to – also probably the only actually good song that dropped out this week) and finally, “Life Goes On” by BTS off of the debut at #10. On the chart proper, this is one of the biggest free-fall drops of all time, and honestly, who wasn’t expecting this? Speaking of falls, we have a lot of those too. Whilst these are fallers, you should consider how impressive they are for even trying to survive the holiday season, which just can’t be done for a lot of these songs, even the biggest hits of the year, some of which we just mentioned. One of the funniest parts of this to me is that KSI of all people survived the overload of Christmas songs through his Craig David chorus on “Really Love” with Digital Farm Animals down to #17. For a former YouTuber, he has an immense amount of star-power and it’s kind of worrying. Otherwise, our notable fallers include “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #24, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur at #25 (not a good week for either of these guys – or anyone), “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber at #26 off of the top 10 debut, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior at #27, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #29, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd stripped of all of its gains at #31 (seriously, whilst most of these songs were fading naturally prior, this is worrying), “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring NAV and Don Toliver at #34, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco at #42 (giving him four songs as a lead artist on the chart – OCC, that’s not how your dumb rules work; be consistent), “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio really having the most intense combination of streaming cuts and Christmas music at #44, “Wonder” by Shawn Mendes flailing at #45 (it will probably rebound next week), “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #46 (same here), “Golden” by Harry Styles at #47, “Loading” by Central Cee at #48, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #49, “i miss u” by Jax Jones and Au/Ra at #50, “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee at #52, “UFO” by D-Block Europe and Aitch at #55, “Plugged in Freestyle” by A92 and Fumez the Engineer at #56, “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey at #60 (which happened to play as I was writing this), “Looking for Me” by Paul Woodford, Diplo and Kareen Lomax at #61, “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #62, “Diamonds” by Sam Smith having the biggest fall to #63, “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy at #65, “Chingy (It’s Whatever)” by Digga D at #69, “Come Over” by Jorja Smith and Popcaan at #70, “SO DONE” by The Kid LAROI at #71 and finally, “Flavour” by Loski and Stormzy at #74. A YouTube comment on the video version of this chart read, “RIP to hip hop and R&B in the UK, 2020-2020”, and, I mean, it’s a fair assessment. That’s not all though, folks, as we have the returning entries, most of which are very explicitly Christmas songs. Let’s start with “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith at #75, and continue up the chart with “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #73, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #72 (always the best song on the entire chart whenever it returns), “A Little Love” by Celeste from the John Lewis advert at #64, “Feliz Navidad” by José Feliciano at #54, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #57, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by the late Dean Martin at #54, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #52, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #43, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by the late John Lennon, Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir at #40 (always the worst song on the chart whenever it returns), “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #39 (this is an accurate ranking of the Beatles), “Jingle Bell Rock” by the late Bobby Helms at #38, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #37 and “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by the late Andy Williams at #36. Yes, that’s five consecutive Christmas songs returning to the top 40, made all the more ridiculous when you realise it’s topped off by “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X... at #41 – and it actually gained this week! Oh, and we don’t stop there either as not only do we have “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande returning to #16 as well, but we also have all of the gains this week. All of our notable gains are in the top 40 and all but one are Christmas songs, so let’s start with “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis up to #33 (our greatest gain this week) and continue up the chart with “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #32, “This Christmas” by Jess Glynne at #28, “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard at #23, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea at #22, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Justin Bieber and Brenda Lee at #21 and #19 respectively, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson at #20, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John at #18, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid at #15 (looking at this chart, I think we ALL know exactly what time it is), “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens at #14, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #13, “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring the late Kirsty MacColl at #9, “Last Christmas” by Wham! at #3, and finally, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey at #2. I don’t know if I’ll be happier if a 1994 classic hits #1 for the first time this Christmas, or an Ariana Grande song about sex positions takes the Christmas #1, given, of course, that LadBaby doesn’t pull something out of his ass last minute. Christmas also actually lands on a Friday this week, so there’s potentially two Christmas #1s: the #1 on Christmas Day and the #1 that includes Christmas Day. I mean, there’s this issue every year but since the chart week literally starts and ends on the day this year, I guess we’ll just have to see what the Official Charts Company decides. For now, after not-so-swiftly covering all of that garbage – and there’s three weeks more of it to come, folks – let’s discuss some of our new arrivals, none of which I imagine will be all that interesting but, hey, at least they’re not Christmas songs. In fact...
NEW ARRIVALS
#68 – “Body” – Megan Thee Stallion
Produced by LilJuMadeThatBeat
...It’s the antithesis of what it means to be wholesome, commercial and festive. You all know and love Megan Thee Stallion by now, and whilst I didn’t listen to that debut record yet – it is 17 songs after all – I have heard pretty positive reception so I will check out Good News at some point. Rico Nasty did release a record that’s only one less track and 13 full minutes shorter, so to be honest, I’m a lot more excited to check out that album, even if it won’t have any impact here. I did laugh at the track list when I saw “Intercourse (feat. Popcaan & Mustard)” though, which is one of the few times I have genuinely laughed at just a track list. “Shots Fired” is a pretty great Tory Lanez diss track though, so I’ll say that. “Body” is relatively deep into the track listing, yet seems to be the biggest hit, mostly because of that polarising earworm hook and the music video. Oh, yeah, and it straight-up samples a woman having an orgasm, so don’t expect this to stick around. In fact, that’s the only melody behind this dirty South bounce-adjacent track, and even with that, it only comes in on that chorus, which is less annoying to me as it is just catchy. It’s not like men haven’t done the same thing, though, I mean, Dr. Dre famously – or infamously – “paused 4 porno” on his album 2001, and just in 2018, Kanye released “XTCY”, a song that is hilariously lacking in any kind of moral compass, let alone born-again Christianity. It did the same thing that “Body” does with the moaning yet it also covers it in this really eerie sample, as well as spare 808s and a drum beat that doesn’t feel like it gets in the way of whatever the hell Kanye’s doing on this track. It also helps that the moaning doesn’t just come in on the chorus, instead we have a string swell to distinguish it, and that Kanye has more of a comical lyrical nature on “XTCY”. This comparison is only fair when looking at the production, though, as whilst Kanye has “sick thoughts”, Megan is just bragging about her own body-ody-ody-ody-ody, etc. over a pretty mainstream, accessible beat, even if it has really ugly, loud 808s that kind of do get in the way of the rapping here. Thankfully, Megan rides this beat forcefully – no pun intended – and with some really great wordplay, even if there are a few immediately dated references here and there. That third verse is also pretty funny, and whilst I don’t want to focus too much on this song – it’s a family show after all – this is pretty lively and whilst I’m not a fan of this beat, Megan makes it worth sitting through and honestly, the song sounds a lot shorter than it is. Check it out.
#67 – “Love is a Compass” – Griff
Produced by PARKWILD
I didn’t say the word “compass” on purpose knowing this song would be next, although perhaps I subconsciously snuck the word in. Maybe I should have made it seem like I foreshadowed this song, but honestly what about this warrants foreshadowing? I don’t mind Disney music at all. In fact, a lot of the films are full of really classic compositions that have aged incredibly, including the Renaissance era of their films, especially. In fact, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan – the original – is one of the few soundtrack songs that is directly related to and featured in the film yet I can still listen to outside of that context. I’ve not even watched either Mulan – or have Disney+ - so it’s not like I’m a big fan, but I can appreciate the music when I find it, even if I mostly despise everything Disney stands for as a company. The issue with this is that it cannot apply to “Love is a Compass”. I’m sure Griff and her producer PARKWILD are talented musicians, but this is purely a product. This wasn’t even made for an original animated feature, or a painfully weak adaptation of one of their original animated features starring Will Smith as the Genie. This is a generic piano ballad made for an advert, because just like literal shops and manufacturing companies like John Lewis, Disney has a Christmas advert. There’s nothing artistic about this. This “emotional” piano ballad is layered in reverb and egregious Auto-Tune that drains Griff of whatever emotion her delivery could have had. It doesn’t sound good in this context at all and it is so obvious, which is unfortunate because her voice, Auto-Tuned in a similar way, could easily work over more lo-fi and interesting production. As it is, this is repulsive, sonically and on every other level beyond that.
#66 – “Angels Like You” – Miley Cyrus
Produced by Louis Bell and watt
So, Miley Cyrus dropped her album, Plastic Hearts, last week and I expected more impact on the chart but the two singles are really THAT big that not any of the album cuts had much of a chance, even if “Prisoner” dropped a few spaces. Other than that, “Midnight Sky” is still in the top five and near the end of the chart, we have a debut: “Angels Like You”. It’s clear why this charted because this isn’t just a highlight from the album or a personal favourite of mine, but it’s a fan favourite honestly, a career highlight – which may not be hard to make, I mean, it’s Miley Cyrus we’re talking about – but it still impresses me with how much I really love this song. This is more of a mellow ballad than many of the tracks surrounding it on the record, with Cyrus’ raspy country twang finally met with a fitting blend of acoustic guitars and a genuine orchestral swell in the chorus, even if at times it decides to start clipping. The shift in guitar tone to a dirtier, aggressive one after the first chorus is a genius touch, and even the pretty stiff drum machine here feels like it adds a lot to the power of this song, especially when it starts kicking behind the screeching guitar solo, leading into an admittedly anti-climactic final chorus... that might even be fitting for the content, which is a break-up song but not one that decides to deflect blame or even focus entirely on the break-up, rather being an acknowledgement of what both parties here did wrong, and why they ended up in the relationship to begin with. Both Cyrus and her ex-girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter were in rough spots coming off of previous relationships in late 2019 and those dark spots are what Cyrus understands lead to the collapse of this relationship. She discusses the lack of connection between the two in the first verse, leading to a literally nameless relationship where it was full of romantic gestures but not any depth. The chorus is a complex look at how Cyrus knew she would look back on the relationship as little more than a fling, but how she regrets that this is her only view of the relationship. She didn’t want anything more and split after things started getting too serious, and feels genuine guilt for using Carter to heal her own depression, because “misery needs company”. She uses the biblical metaphor to demonstrate how she feels she tugged down her girlfriend, described here as an “angel”, to the hell Cyrus thinks she resides in, which may be melodramatic, sure, but I’d be lying if I said Cyrus doesn’t completely sell it here, with some of her best vocals to date, backed up by gorgeous production and really well-written lyrics. This is a genuinely brilliant ballad, give it a listen.
#58 – “Naughty List” – Liam Payne and Dixie D’Amelio
Produced by TMS
I’ve been writing these producers as “TM5” for so long without realising it’s an abbreviation for “The Music Shed”. Anyway, I hope we can all agree that Liam Payne is probably the worst off when comparing the One Direction boys and their solo careers so far. Harry Styles is one of the biggest stars in the world, making a twist on 70s classic rock that I don’t like at all but he IS making headlines and having massive chart success. Niall Horan is having mild success making rock and folk albums that are honestly alright, ZAYN has two albums under his belt that may not be listenable but at least the first one was a success and he did go into a more mature R&B direction, and Louis Tomlinson might not have been met with any success from his album earlier this year but at least there’s some quality there. Liam Payne, however, has been releasing straight garbage to no fanfare for the past three years, dating back to “Strip that Down” with Quavo, and continuing down the path of feigning maturity and development with music clearly not backing it up, demonstrated by the bisexual fetishism on his delayed debut album and how his collaborations went from relying on Zedd to relying on J Balvin to relying on TikTok stars on a sexually-charged Christmas single that couldn’t even crack the top 50. I have no idea who Dixie D’Amelio is other than seeing her sister’s controversies on Twitter in passing, but it is depressing that a major-label pop star needs D’Amelio to chart this high – and no, given his most recent singles with bigger features like A Boogie wit da Hoodie and Cheat Codes, as well as the shoddy performance of his last Christmas song, I’m not even considering that it’s the other way around. This immediately, in its first 15 seconds, makes sure you know this will be awful, with its tedious acoustic guitar strumming fused with cheap sounding sleigh bells and dated trap percussion, even with little “hey!” gang vocals straight out of 2014 that make this sound a lot less new and fresh than I think Payne thought it did. Also, something about these lyrics sounds really odd when you consider the age gap between the two vocalists. I mean, D’Amelio’s 19 years old, so it’s not like this is illegal in any way (and they didn’t have any chemistry to begin with), but the childlike imagery in the chorus just makes this gross. “Santa saw the things we did and put us on the naughty list”? This has less subtlety than 3OH!3’s Christmas song they released this year. Yes, that happened, and somehow the two washed-up early 2010s pop stars made a “dirty” Christmas song that is miles better than Liam Payne’s, probably because of the more interesting lyrical detail, and that, you know, it isn’t a duet. Check out “KISSELTOE” if you’re interested, it’s really good. I liked their comeback single with 100 gecs too so I’m pretty excited for whatever comes out of 3OH!3’s recent productivity. This song, on the other hand, as well as the upcoming joke, is just Payne-full.
#53 – “No Time for Tears” – Nathan Dawe and Little Mix
Produced by Tré Jean-Marie and Nathan Dawe
Okay, so, I understand the marketing of releasing a single after a long time of not releasing a single and after your singles have all dropped out of the chart, but Little Mix are just being managed horribly here. Why would you release a single in the Christmas season that you want to be big? This isn’t a holiday song in any way and doesn’t even sound like one, so releasing it this early into the Christmas season is just begging for it to be forgotten and eventually flop. Nathan Dawe is an EDM DJ so he doesn’t need this type of promotion as long as he can tour next year and he’s got big features, and Little Mix don’t need any extra singles because they’re still in the top 10 and they’ve branched out to reality television. Just let the girls breathe for a second and enjoy their success. Oh, and this song isn’t just logistically unnecessary, it’s sonically unnecessary, acting as a house-pop club banger with that standard piano sound reminiscent of 90s house that has been adopted recently by DJs, with any of the infectious melodies and genuine drive sucked out of it, especially if Dawe is going to add a Goddamn trap breakdown in the second verse with the most pathetic set of percussion I’ve heard in years on a house track. It’s not like Little Mix are saving this either because the lyrical content is re-tread and their performances are largely unrecognisable from each other and songs they’ve made before. Yeah, this isn’t offensive, but it isn’t interesting, outside of that bridge, but even then it builds up perfectly to a chorus that’s interrupted by a pointless, repetitious interlude. This song isn’t just uninteresting, it’s inherently unnecessary on all fronts, which if anything, is just kind of sad.
#35 – “All You’re Dreaming Of” – Liam Gallagher
Produced by Simon Aldred and Andrew Wyatt
Surely out of all of these songs, I’d have the most to say about our top 40 debut, with Liam Gallagher, former frontman of legendary rock band Oasis, and his new lead single, right? Well, no, because here are some unfortunate truths: Oasis made two good albums, and they’re not as good as you remember. Liam Gallagher is an awful person who continued to rip off his own band with his new one, without the songwriting ability his brother Noel had. Liam continues to be persistent in his making of enemies for no other reason than publicity. Noel’s reaching out to Liam for the sake of at least reconciliation goes completely unnoticed, ignored or criticised by Liam for no discernable reason other than an on-and-off again facade that’s been going on for more than a decade. Noel wasn’t even that great of a songwriter, relying mostly on musicianship and other people’s melodies he liked to co-opt for his own tracks. None of their solo work has been listenable yet still gathers attention that I imagine is to the dismay of those other band members in Oasis who, ultimately, made those classic albums as much as the Gallaghers. Where’s the praise for Bonehead, Guigsy or even Gem Archer, who stuck it out despite decreasing popularity, utter lack of musical quality and increasing tensions between the people who kept the band afloat until they decided to break up? Both Noel and Liam look at Oasis with regret or admiration depending on how they feel that day but when you look at who REALLY won that Britpop battle tabloids liked to hype up in the 1990s, you realise how far away Oasis was from Blur or even Pulp in terms of not only their songs but having their stuff together. This new song is complete garbage as well, with a pretty awful mixing job, Liam being as distinctively nasal and infuriating as he is with any of his songs let alone his uninteresting ballads, and the COVID-19 charity pandering that comes off as really false, especially since even after Noel released an Oasis track this year as a result of the lockdown – and Liam whining about how he wants to bring the band together to help the NHS – he criticised the honest release of the demo, which Noel wrote and sang himself. It’s also especially telling how the proceeds are only going to benefit charity for its first month of release. Afterwards, Liam and the label can scrape up whatever leftover streams they get from diehard fans. I don’t like Band Aid at all, in fact the song is pretty damn rancid, but at least they keep on recording updated versions to give to modern charities. Liam, you’ve got a bank account the average Manchurian would dream of. This charity single is a fraud, and a pretty hypocritical, immoral one at that.
Conclusion
I think on principle on how fake it is and how awful the song is, I have to give Worst of the Week to Gallagher... but I have a rule against crowning any kind of charity single with that title. At the end of the day, at least something at some point is going to the people who need it. Worst of the Week in that case goes to “Naughty List” by Liam Payne and Dixie D’Amelio, with a Dishonourable Mention to the product that is Griff’s “Love is a Compass”. Best of the Week should be obvious as it’s going to Miley Cyrus for “Angels Like You”, with an Honourable Mention to Megan Thee Stallion’s “Body”. Here’s this week’s top 10:
May I remind you this is the first week of December? Anyway, I doubt Shawn Mendes will make anything through the barrage of holiday tracks, but if he does, that’s next week. Thank you for reading and follow me at @cactusinthebank for more ramblings of this sort, I suppose. See you next week!
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Yandere Playlist
Songs I listen to while working on my “Flying Monkeys” fancomic.
Out of all of them, song 11 is the one that most fits with what I’m going for with the comic. Song 7 is the next closest. 12 fits better than I thought it would. But these are just Yandere songs in general (more or less) that get me in the zone. So enjoy! @enkimeansevilmonkey, dunno if you’d be interested but tagging you anyway!
1: #1 Crush by Garbage
“Violate all the the love that I’m missing,
Throw away all the pain that I’m living
You will believe in me & I can never be ignored”
2: Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge
“I want to hold you close
Soft breath, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear:
I wanna fucking tear you apart”
3: Another Way Out by Hollywood Undead
“I’ll break you down, I’ll put it back it back together again”
4: Eat You Alive by Limp Bizkit
“I’m sorry, so sorry, your beauty is so vain
It drives me, yes, it drives me absolutely insane
I just wanna look at you,
I just wanna look at you all day
There ain’t nothing wrong with that”
5: Animals by Maroon 5
“So if I run, it’s not enough
You’re still in my head, forever stuck
So you can what you wanna do
I love your lies, I eat'em up
But don’t deny the animal
That comes alive when I’m inside you”
6: Goin’ Down by The Pretty Reckless
“Why did I have to go & kill him when he was the best I ever had?”
7: Surrender by Evanescence
“Darling, there’s no sense in running
You know I will find you
Everything is perfect now, we can live forever
You can’t abandon me, you belong to me
Breathe in and take my life in you
No longer my self, only you
There’s no escaping me, my love… Surrender”
8: Shoot Him Down by Alice Francis
“I want to break him bone for bone
I want to stab him all night long, with a needle
Nothing but my heart aches…
I want to choke him, I want to maltreat him
I want to squeeze him & break his neck, neck, neck
I got nothing but a heartache
I just wanna let you know that I’m about to go insane”
9: Stalk U by Los Abandoned
“Baby, baby how was I to know that
I would become one of those people
That you read about in the paper
Driven by a sad obsession?
I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t mean to stalk you”
10: A Little Piece of Heaven by Avenged Sevenfold
“Our love had been so strong for far too long
I was weak with fear that something would go wrong
Before the possibilities came true
I took all possibility from you”
11: Pretty When You Cry by VAST
“I didn’t want to hurt you, baby
But you’re pretty when you cry
I didn’t wanna fuck you
but you’re pretty when you’re mine
I didn’t really love you, baby
But I’m pretty when I lie
You hurt me, baby, I hurt you, baby
If you knew how much I love you
you would run away
When I treat you bad
It always makes you wanna stay”
12: Run For Your Life by The Beatles
“Well you know that I’m a wicked guy
And I was born with a jealous mind
I can spend my whole life my whole life trying
Just to make toe the line
You better run for life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand, little girl
Catch you with another man
That’s the end, little girl
Let this be a sermon, I mean everything I said
Baby, I’m determined & I’d rather see you dead”
13: It's Just Us Now by Sleigh Bells
"I believe deeply in decency (indecency)
And when I'm conscious, I am cursed
Sharp teeth, the size of pick-up trucks
All that flesh & blood, the real thing
And when you die, I wanna die
I wanna die with you
Lay us down for good, lay us down for good!"
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NFL Dad, Week 15: Always expect the worst, and you’ll never be disappointed
What’s it like to watch seven hours of football while parenting two young children? It’s not so bad, as long as you’ve given up any hope of things going smoothly.
The key to happiness in parenthood and sports fandom is the same: Get rid of any positive expectations. Prepare for disaster at all times, and always fear that the thing you love will turn on you and attempt to destroy your day in the blink of an eye.
Does the unending hyper-awareness dampen your joy when something genuinely good happens? Absolutely, but it’s insurance against the devastation of the unexpected. I was rooting for the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX against the Patriots, and I expected them to lose the entire game — I even predicted a narrow Pats victory — until Jermaine Kearse made that juggling catch to set up first and goal. That’s when I let my guard down and believed in Seattle.
Yadda yadda yadda, I couldn’t sleep for like six weeks. And that’s my fault for believing good things could happen to me. Take it from an expert: You can’t be disappointed if you don’t have expectations.
EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF
— I’m late to the games today. I don’t turn the TV on until 1:50 p.m. Eastern time because we’re late getting back from a friend’s house, where we ate bagels and helped our kids decorate gingerbread houses. I hate to say it was “brunch,” because I always want to remember brunch fondly. What I had was parenting and lox.
— After I put my son down for his nap, I click on the TV and get a trio of scores, right in a row: Bilal Powell niftily evades a tackler for a 2-yard touchdown that narrows the Saints’ lead to 10-7; someone named “Bibbs” takes a short pass from Kirk Cousins and turns it into a 36-yard touchdown against Arizona; and Sterling Shepard takes the Eagles to the woodshed on a 67-yard score that puts the Giants up, 20-7.
WE SEE YOU, @sterl_shep3!
He gone. #GiantsPride http://pic.twitter.com/xUpUIE99km
— NFL (@NFL) December 17, 2017
— We got back late from not-brunch because my daughter threw a fit as we were trying to leave. So my wife left with our son, and I stayed back with the possessed one until the demons were exorcised. Mostly, this meant sitting in the living room and waiting for her to finish screaming through her timeout.
Two- and three-year-old kids have moods like the weather: Sometimes a thunderstorm hits, and there’s not much you can do but hole up and wait for it to pass. Eventually, the sun breaks through like nothing happened. As a parent, you feel your child owes you an explanation or apology for the 30 minutes you just lost, but you’ll get none. The weather has changed. You may as well shout at the sky, demand an explanation from the passing clouds.
— I’ve got two fantasy teams in money leagues that are in the semifinals this week, so I’m guilty of keeping an eye on the ol’ Yahoo scoreboards. After I beat a team with Alvin Kamara last week, I’m facing him in another league this week, so of course he scores on a short TD pass. Right after that, LeSean McCoy — who I’m also facing — scores his second touchdown of the day to put Bills up 14-6.
It's @CutOnDime25.
AGAIN. #GoBills http://pic.twitter.com/K88Xqr08SA
— NFL (@NFL) December 17, 2017
I close the window with the fantasy scores.
— Stefon Diggs catches a touchdown pass from Case Keenum to put the Vikings up 24-0 over the Bengals, so I can safely ignore this game the rest of the day.
Somewhat related: Matt Hasselbeck made an interesting point to my podcast partner Nick Stevens last week: The top three seeds in the NFC are quarterbacked by Nick Foles*, Case Keenum, and Jared Goff, and people who follow the NFL are generally shocked that these three guys don’t suck the way that they used to.
What do they have in common? They all last sucked for Jeff Fisher. WORST. COACH. EVER. That guy ought to be sued for malpractice.
*Yes, the Eagles have made it this far thanks to Carson Wentz, not Foles, but Foles is in the middle of throwing four touchdowns to zero interceptions against the Giants.
— Eli Manning throws an ugly pick on 3rd and 10 that gives the Eagles life. A nifty return by Ronald Darby gives Philly great field position that leads to a Zach Ertz touchdown. The Giants’ lead is down to 20-14.
— Aaron Rodgers escapes pressure and flips the ball to Randall Cobb, who dances through the defense for a touchdown at the end of the half. The Packers take a 14-10 lead.
Oh, ok @aaronrodgers12.
OH, OK @rcobb18.
Wow.
Touchdown, @Packers! #GoPackGo http://pic.twitter.com/WtlBRp4rKp
— NFL (@NFL) December 17, 2017
— Tyrod Taylor scores on a quarterback keeper, and I love this play design: Trips right, with tight end Nick O’Leary split out to the left. Travaris Cadet motions out to the right to draw the defense to the wide side of the field, and Taylor runs to the left with O’Leary blocking near the goal line.
.@TyrodTaylor will do it himself! #GoBills http://pic.twitter.com/X4UIx10aAc
— NFL (@NFL) December 17, 2017
Still, this play doesn’t work without a quarterback as shifty as Taylor; a less mobile player would have been taken down at the line of scrimmage. This seems to suggest that Sean McDermott, despite his “Nathan Peterman should make his pro debut against the NFL’s most fearsome pass-rushing tandem” position, may actually understand the abilities of his signal-caller.
— On 3rd and 22, Duke Johnson coughs up the ball well short of the first down marker, and the Ravens recover. They score three plays later, when Joe Flacco finds Ben Watson in acres of space for a 35-yard touchdown. The Ravens lead 17-7 just before halftime, and I can’t help but marvel how insanely bad this Browns team is, week after week after week, at the most basic aspects of pro football. It’s remarkable.
— Trey Burton scores a touchdown for Eagles, and he follows with my favorite celebration of the week:
.@TreyBurton8 hauls in the TD pass...
Then the @Eagles gather around the
#FlyEaglesFly http://pic.twitter.com/NVSJpSWtZD
— NFL (@NFL) December 17, 2017
It’s not that spinning the ball and warming your hands by the fire is so wildly creative, it’s that Burton spun it long enough for two teammates to join him. Look, I’m impressed by anything that isn’t a children’s game repurposed in the end zone.
EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF
— As I close my eyes for a little catnap, the Packers leave Greg Olsen wide open on a blitz, and Cam Newton hits him for an easy touchdown.
I’m not really all that tired, but with the kids napping, my wife lies down on the couch to close her eyes, so I mute the TV and pull the shades. But then the apartment is so dark and quiet that it would be wasteful to be awake.
— When I open my eyes, the first play I see is another Panthers touchdown. But it Damiere Byrd falls out of bounds, so the refs rule it incomplete. Ron Rivera foolishly challenges the call, and ... gets it reversed?
STILL have no idea what a catch is, this was ruled a TD after review when called incomplete http://pic.twitter.com/YYccOsBcp0
— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) December 17, 2017
Apparently, the refs contend that one butt cheek landed inbounds a split second before the rest of his back hit the end line, which ... Man, I’m too tired to get mad about catches any more. It is EXHAUSTING to follow the twists and turns of the catch rule every week. Anyway, the Panthers are up 24-14, and Aaron Rodgers needs to do that thing where he miraculously rips the guts out of his opponents if the Packers want to have any chance of making the playoffs.
— DeShone Kizer gets sacked in his own end zone and fumbles, and the Ravens recover for a touchdown and a 24-10 lead. Am I facing the Ravens D in fantasy? YOU KNOW IT.
— On 3rd and 10, one play after taking a vicious hit from Panthers defenders, Aaron Rodgers scrambles away from pressure, sees Jordy Nelson downfield, and throws a laser … to James Bradberry. It’s his third interception of the day, and his first three-interception game since 2009. I’ve seen Rodgers hit Nelson for a long completion in that scenario so many times over the years that it’s clear No. 12 isn’t 100 percent yet.
— Someone named Tavarres King scores a long touchdown for the Giants, but the offense fails on the 2-point attempt. The Giants trail 31-29. It’s a beautiful-looking cover (+7) right now, though. I wish I’d taken the home team +7.
— Newton hits Byrd for another TD, this one legitimate, to put the Panthers up by two touchdowns with 12 minutes to play in the game. That’s enough time for some Aaron Rodgers magic, but he hasn’t exactly been magical today. Better than Brett Hundley, sure, but not the fearsome demigod the Packers usually rely on.
— With the Vikings up 34-0, HERE COMES TEDDY BRIDGEWATER!!! It’s his first action in almost two years, and the Minnesota crowd is deafening in its welcome for him. On the sideline, Case Keenum joins in, clapping enthusiastically.
Bridgewater’s first pass is an interception. But it was an EMOTIONALLY RESONANT interception! It leads to a Gio Bernard TD that ruins the perfect day that my fantasy def— er, the Vikings defense was having.
— With the Browns driving to get back into the game, DeShone Kizer throws his weekly red zone interception. He now has turnovers in both end zones, which HAS to be redeemable for, like, a free burger and fries somewhere. The Ravens are gonna wrap this one up comfortably.
— Rodgers gets sacked on 4th and 14 with about five minutes to play, and that’ll do it for the Packers’ playoff hopes. Womp-womp.
— My son wakes up from his nap, comes into the living room, and says “Fot-paw!” when he sees the TV. RedZone is really pushing the Washington-Arizona game right now, but I refuse to take notes on it. Sorry, I’m allergic to mediocrity.
— I go into the kids’ room to get my daughter up from her nap, and my son comes along. A few minutes later, I exit the room singing “Jingle Bells” while the kids shake sleigh bells and maracas. After the song, I ask my son what color his shaker is.
“Bee.”
“What color?”
“Bee,” he says again.
“Green?”
“Yeah!”
So, we have some work to do on pronunciation.
— Now wait just a damn minute. When I last saw Green Bay-Carolina, the Panthers had taken over in Green Bay territory and were up by two touchdowns with five minutes left. Now it’s 31-24 Panthers, AND the Packers have the ball with two minutes remaining. I MISSED RODGERS MAGIC.
— Lucy screaming in kitchen while wife makes soup. Owen screams too.
— Trailing 34-29, Eli Manning expertly leads a two-minute drill into the red zone, but it stalls just short of paydirt. On 4th and goal with just a few seconds left, Manning — stop me if you’ve heard this one — overthrows a covered receiver, and the game ends.
— The Packers’ Geronimo Allison fumbles as he picks up a first down, and the Panthers recover, thus denying us precious Rodgers Magic, and ending the Run The Table narrative before it had a chance to begin. Stupid broken clavicles.
— Results from the early games: The Eagles clinch a bye with their win, the Vikings clinch an NFC North title, and the Jags clinch a playoff berth by dominating the Texans.
LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF
— Before the late games kick off, I will not be taking any notes about Rams-Seahawks and have no plans to write about it whatsoever. I’ve gone over some of the previous NFL Dad, and I don’t like the way the late games often read like a Livejournal for my fanboy neuroses. So, no Seahawks today. I feel better already.
(UPDATE: For those of you who know how Rams-Seahawks went, this may look like a convenient development for a Seattle fan. I swear that I went into the afternoon with an iron determination not to write about the game, regardless of result.)
— The other late afternoon options are Titans-49ers and Patriots-Steelers, which is criminally being held out of a primetime slot so NBC can air Cowboys-Raiders. PUKE.
— It’s starting to rain in Pittsburgh, which should do wonders for the historically tidy grass at Heinz Field. Up in a luxury box, Ryan Shazier fires up the crowd by waving a yellow dish towel, and it’s good to see him well enough to make an appearance.
The next play is a bomb to Brandin Cooks from midfield down inside the Steelers’ 10-yard line. The Pats punch it in with Rex Burkhead to take a 7-0 lead.
— I am not even looking at Seahawks Twitter, and it is helping greatly with my mental well-being.
— Facing 3rd and five, Big Roethlisberger throws a jump pass to Antonio Brown, who snags it and makes a nice run after the catch to move the Steelers into field goal range.
The movement of @AB84... #HereWeGo http://pic.twitter.com/0HCIY1AAlf
— NFL (@NFL) December 17, 2017
A few plays later, Roethlisberger hits Eli Rogers for a TD to even game.
— My daughter asks, “Mommy, do we have a menorah?” On the way to the subway this morning, she had pointed out a large menorah in a public square, so I explained to her what a menorah was.
My wife replies, “We do not, because menorahs are for Jewish people, and we’re Catholic. So we have a Christmas tree instead.” My wife’s answer is perfectly straightforward, but at the same time, there are probably some conceptual hurdles for a three-year-old who’s familiar with the Nativity and going to church (sorry: Mass) but not so much terms like “Catholic” and “Jewish.” But to my relief, my daughter asks no further questions.
— The Titans intercept Jimmy Garoppolo, and refs rule it a catch — for the Niners. I dunno about that one; it looked awfully Golden Tate-y.
Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images
The catch rule stays undefeated.
— After the kids finish their dinner, I have tell my son AGAIN not to touch the Christmas tree. He has pulled it down while playing with it twice over the last eight days. The first time, he suffered only a glancing blow, and the second time I was sitting nearby and screamed “OH NOOO!” before catching the top of the tree just before it fell on him.
Fun note about your Christmas tree falling over multiple times: It sucks to redecorate! We put a ton of care and effort into getting every ornament in exactly the right place when we first put the tree up, and that kind of scrutiny is only enjoyable once. Now there are a dozen ornaments on the windowsill that we just don’t have the will to put back on the tree. Hard to believe we’re not enthusiastic about putting all the glass orbs back onto our holiday safety hazard.
— My daughter eats some candy off of her gingerbread house, so my wife moves it out of reach. Ear-splitting screeches of “MOM-MEEEEEEE!!!” fill the house and drown out the Sesame Street playlist we were listening to. Three-year-olds are delightful.
— Let’s take a look around the league at halftime of the late games! Pittsburgh leads New England 17-10 after a Martavis Bryant TD caps a 15-play drive. Here’s the newsworthy part of that:
Yes this is JuJu Smith-Schuster re-enacting his own taunting penalty. @btsteelcurtain #Steelers http://pic.twitter.com/qV3TUQBmwC
— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) December 17, 2017
Elsewhere, a Delainie Walker TD late in the half gives the Titans a six-point advantage in Santa Clara at halftime. And in Seattle ... (squints) ... Ah, it would appear that Todd Gurley has 144 yards and three touchdowns as the Rams lead 34-0.
I go over to the iPad, which is playing “I Love Trash” by Oscar the Grouch, and press pause. The song keeps going. Yes, this is a metaphor.
LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF
— Good news and bad news about Antonio Brown’s injury: X-rays were negative, which means nothing is broken, but he’s headed to the hospital, which is not where you go when everything’s A-OK.
— I click over to CBS for the second half of Pats-Steelers because (A) I don’t care about Titans-Niners, and (B) it will prevent me from seeing any more Rams-Seahawks than absolutely necessary. Also, Tony Romo! Love that guy.
— The kids have tied scarves around their necks to wear as capes. They play “Ring Around the Rosie,” and after they fall down, my daughter starts crawling around and meowing, so my son does the same. “We’re being cats,” my daughter clarifies.
— Pats keep a drive going with a completion to Gronk on 4th and 1. 3rd and goal, Brady steps up in pocket and finds Cooks for the TD, but the PAT hooks left. It’s 17-16 Steelers.
— One of the best/worst things about watching a game on CBS is seeing ads for all the CBS shows that look like parodies of CBS shows. Even the movie trailers seem targeted to the dumbest, oldest audience: Father Figures looks like a CBS sitcom and a FOX sitcom had sex and gave birth to a movie.
youtube
Warning: Only click play on that button above if you want to see Terry Bradshaw talk about sex. HARD PASS.
— I give my son his bath, then hand him off to my wife so I can try to convince my daughter to get in the bath. Every goddamn day, man. It takes forever to get her in the bath, then she has the time of her life and won’t get out of the bath. Hardest aspects of bathing my kids, ranked:
Getting them in the bath.
Getting them out of the bath.
Trying to stop them from drinking the bathwater. WHY DO THEY LIKE IT? IT’S SO GROSS.
Anyway, while I’m try to reason with the weather, I get to watch a nice interception by the Pittsburgh defense.
Tom Brady's pass is PICKED. #NEvsPIT http://pic.twitter.com/HfvxbjUdb6
— NFL (@NFL) December 17, 2017
That sets up a Steelers touchdown that puts them up by eight, which I don’t see because I’m giving my daughter her bath.
— While I’m watching the game, my son approached the couch and says, “Moo!” to our dog. He wants her to move. This is a frequent source of confusion for my wife and me, because he relies on a cow lovey for soothing (“Moo!”) and will point out the moon in any book we read (“Moo!”). So a lot of times we’ll hear “Moo!” and come rushing into the room with a lovey, only to see the dog laying at his feet, barricading his progress.
— While the kids brush their teeth, Brady gets sacked on 3rd and 10, and the Pats kick a field goal to go down 24-19 with about four minutes left. Grim scenario for New England.
— While my wife reads to our daughter, I take my son into the other room for Llama Llama Gram and Grandpa. It’s no Llama Llama Red Pajama, but that’s no surprise. If you think movie sequels are bad, just wait until you enter the world of children’s book franchises. Once you think the well is dry, the author comes back with an 8-page book for each holiday.
— It’s bedtime for the kids, and my daughter requests “The Little Mermaid Song” (sic). My wife sings “Part of Your World,” and they go down without a fight. When I come back to the TV, the Pats have 1st and goal with a minute left, and the next play is an eight-yard touchdown run by Dion Lewis. Gronk gets the 2-point conversion for maximum drama. Pats lead, 27-24.
— The Steelers have 52 seconds and one timeout to answer. The first play is this:
JUJU! #HereWeGo http://pic.twitter.com/qKnP38lKGk
— NFL (@NFL) December 18, 2017
The play goes for 69 yards, and Jim Nantz carefully calls it a “nearly 70-yard play,” because Jim Nantz can’t even accidentally make an oblique reference to oral sex. He’s like one of the robots in Westworld, unable to see evidence of his own machinery. Except, y’know, for sex.
— Before we get to the ending of Patriots-Steelers, let’s take a look at the other late games:
In Santa Clara, a Ryan Succop 50-yarder gives Titans 23-22 lead with a little over a minute left. Garoppolo counters with a drive into field goal range. Robbie Gould drills the 45-yarder straight down the middle for the Niners’ third straight win.
In Seattle, the Rams coasted to a 42-7 win. I believe it was 40-7 at one point, so I think the Rams got a safety. I already know more than I’d like to.
— The Steelers’ next play is a touchdown to Jesse James. 30-27, with a PAT pending. The Pats will have 28 seconds to answer.
No! It’s called incomplete! Once again: Everything you know is wrong, and the catch rule stays undefeated.
They showed the replay 10x before anyone could figure out why it was a replay. Probably a sign that it should be a catch.
— Geoff Schwartz (@geoffschwartz) December 18, 2017
— Oh no. Oh no no no. Speaking as someone without a horse in the race: Lord, no.
PICKED! #NEvsPIT http://pic.twitter.com/4OerTkMB5c
— NFL (@NFL) December 18, 2017
Coupla questions here:
Did you really think the Patriots, of all teams, would fall for a fake spike?
Will NFL teams PLEASE stop running goal-line slants against the Patriots? Don’t let the Seahawks death be in vain.
Speaking of the Seahawks, I would one THOUSAND percent take that ass-kicking from the Rams over the anger and heartbreak of a close loss like this. “But the Steelers should have won!” you say. Yes, they should have. That’s what makes it worse. That’s what causes the misery. I’ll sleep much better knowing that my team deserved to lose.
-- When the game ends, I leave to go work out. When I return, my daughter is on the toilet, trying to poop. My wife is sitting on a footstool next to her. “We’ve been sitting here since just after you left,” she says.
I take over poop duty while my wife stretches her legs. I read a book to her. I sing to her. I encourage her to push. No poop.
“It’s time to shit or get off the pot” is a cliché we live a couple times a week. When we eventually pull our daughter off the toilet with no product, she freaks out. She screams and won’t lie in her bed. We leave the bedroom and she yells, “MOMMY COME GET ME!” repeatedly, for so loud and so long that she starts coughing.
Her brother, who sleeps in the same room with her, tries to roll over and ignore it, but eventually he starts crying, too. My wife and I are FURIOUS at our daughter. And do you know why?
Because we thought we could relax for the night. And really, that’s our fault.
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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 2nd December 2018
Finally, we’ve gotten to December – this’ll be a busy month for me considering all the end-of-year lists and such, but it’s also the holiday season, so let’s look at how the charts reflect that jolly spirit? Oh, a new 6ix9ine song? Okay, well, we’ll get to that in a bit. Welcome to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.
Top 10
Staying at the top for a fourth week today is “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande, which has recently been knocked off in the US by “SICKO MODE”, but it’s still reigning pretty strong here.
The runner-up spot hasn’t shifted either, as “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is still at number-two.
Actually moving this week, however, is “Thursday” by Jess Glynne, up only one space whilst still entering the top 3 at number-three.
Also climbing this week is “Without Me” by Halsey, now at number-four after a two-spot increase.
Unfortunately, this means “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper has suffered, being pushed down two spaces since last week to number-five.
At number-six, after an initial surge due to TikTok and Snapchat, we have Ava Max somewhat proving longevity here with her first ever UK Top 10 hit, up seven spots from last week, “Sweet but Psycho”. Congratulations.
“Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo hasn’t moved at number-seven.
“ZEZE” by Kodak Black, Travis Scott and Offset is actually up two spots to number-eight this week. “Guess we all made for each other”, whatever that means in the context of the song – listen, I reviewed the song in full and any time I’ve heard it since have felt like A-level physics tests, without any equation sheets.
“Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee from the Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse soundtrack is down a spot to number-nine.
Finally, to round off our top 10, Freya Ridings’ “Lost without You” is down a space to #10.
Climbers
Surprisingly on this slow week, we have quite a handful here. George Ezra’s “Hold My Girl” is obviously up eight spaces after the single push to #25, nearby “Baby” by Clean Bandit featuring Marina and Luis Fonsi up six spots to #26 – which will also get the album boost next week. “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes continues to rise ten positions to #27 (and I couldn’t be happier for it), while “I Found You” by benny blanco and Calvin Harris is up 11 spaces, taking me by surprise to #29. I didn’t necessarily think this would catch on that well, but I guess clubs are interested so I’m not going to be complaining – I like the song.
Fallers
Wow, we have much less of these than I expected. I knew it was a slow week but most slow weeks at least come with a lot more fallers than gains, yet we just have a spoonful. “Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora gets its streaming cut that takes it down nine or so pegs to #14, while The Greatest Showman hype dies down for P!nk’s “A Million Dreams” and James Arthur and Anne-Marie’s “Rewrite the Stars”, down five and one positions respectively at #16 and #17 – this isn’t happening soon enough, frankly. Since “Back and Forth” by MK, Jonas Blue and Becky Hill couldn’t possibly have a streaming cut, I’m just going to assume it absolutely collapsed this week down a whopping 23 spots to #37. Yikes.
Dropouts
“Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker drops out again from its #36 return last week, while of course “Broken Homes” by Nafe Smallz, M Huncho and Gunna is out from #38 as that type of grime-trap never does all too well unless it’s named after a Cadbury chocolate apparently. “Strip” by Little Mix featuring Sharaya J is also unfortunately out from #25, whilst the hilariously awful “No Stylist” by French Montana featuring Drake is taken with it from #22. “The Greatest Show” covered by Panic! at the Disco is also expectedly out from #39, but otherwise that’s all. Now, let’s get to the bigger story.
Returning Entries
Okay, cool, “Remember Us This Way” by Lady Gaga is back at #39, “Goodbye” by Jason Derulo and David Guetta featuring Nicki Minaj and Willy William is back at #40, but the main headline is of course going to be the start of the influx of Christmas music. While I may need to deal with more of this when I potentially change the format next year, we still get enough in the top 40 over December so I apologise for the Returning Entries sections eventually becoming smaller and more monotonous as we go on – naturally by two years we won’t have any returning entries we haven’t talked about, other than special occasions like “Three Lions”, so this December month is pretty much the end of this section and also the start of me attempting to review Christmas music, which is harder than you think. While “Fairytale of New York” is at #66 and “Last Christmas” is at #52, the one that reigns over all, and is currently already at #14 in the US, is this classic.
#34 – “All I Want for Christmas is You” – Mariah Carey
Well, this is one of the first times on the show I’ve reviewed both Christmas music and one of my favourite songs of all time. There’s something in the joy of those twinking bells and synths, Mariah’s sweet yet powerful delivery and most importantly the freaking sleigh bells, that make me want to involuntarily smile. The lyrics are simplistic yet they’re now just iconic, aren’t they? If you haven’t sung the chorus to this song, and you have a working voice-box, I doubt you’ve lived through even one Christmas. It’s not like the verses are anything to scoff at, either, hell, the bridge is arguably where Mariah really excels, especially with the male choir behind her providing some vocalisation that really has that carol feeling to it, especially with the main reason this song is so fantastic, other than the choirs, other than Mariah Carey being the vocal powerhouse she is (seriously, that final chorus is transcendent), and other than the joyful vibe, those sleigh bells combined with the driving percussion which just give the song such a punch that you need for a Christmas song to work as well as they can when you do them right. Even if Mariah Carey flops for the rest of her career, she’ll always be making bank out of this timeless tune which I hope stays for more than a while during the holiday season. Sadly, I can’t give this Best of the Week, but you’re damn sure I would if I had that choice. Sadly, not all of our Christmas returning entries will be this good over the weeks, although I’m sure this entirely makes up for it.
NEW ARRIVALS
Now you’ve got in that festive mood, how about we kiss under the mistletoe to aggressive trap-rap about gang violence? It’s that time of the year again.
#38 – “KIKA” – 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez
Listen, I don’t want to seem like I enjoy 6ix9ine’s music or defend his actions. He deserves that 25-to-life sentence, he’s an awful human being and most of his music reflects that in every way. If I really had the strength in me, I’d do what I did with “FEFE” and just ignore it completely, instead talking about 6ix9ine’s legal troubles, but this is Tory Lanez’s first ever UK Top 40 (and 6ix9ine’s third) so I don’t want to seem disrespectful to Tory, hell, he’s easily the best part of the song... which, yet again, I hate to admit, I like quite a bit.
The beat here really reminds me of the tropical trap stuff like “ZEZE”, and just like that song, Tory Lanez doesn’t let the melody go any further than a few seconds before he hops in for the hook, which is insanely catchy and I do like the dude’s voice, so he can pull off lines that may seem cliché like “I do my own stunts, Jackie Chan with it” with enough charisma, but then 6ix9ine comes in and just interrupts Tory with some repetitive, mindless bars that reek of “I wrote this in two minutes”, but it’s over quick and we do get a pretty funny reference to Bobby Schmurda’s hat, so we can quickly get to the kick that builds into the great hook again, hell, and in the second verse, after Tekashi steals a Lil Pump line (seriously?) and claims that he’s on some “Ray Charles, John Cena s**t” because he “can’t see the b****”, which is actually hilarious, Tory interrupts 6ix9ine in return with an admittedly funny skit with him replacing “TR3WAY”, a word 6ix9ine cannot legally say anymore despite his catchphrase “it’s f***in’ TR3WAY!”, with other words such as the Trojan brand of condoms, and the American chain Target, before bursting into laughter. Uh, yeah, I’m hesitant but this is a good ‘un, despite its many, many charming flaws – it’s clearly supposed to be funny, so that’s how I’m enjoying it.
Oh, and my friend Prez wanted me to talk about “WAKA” and while I do love A Boogie wit da Hoodie’s singing voice here, with a pretty catchy hook, I’m not sure how I feel about the song in general. The beat has a pretty intense string melody which I can dig, with Boogie actually developing a story which is interesting enough, until 6ix9ine literally shoots the song up, with gunshot and explosion effects that’d make you think he’s Joe Budden, but his part isn’t that awful and it’s insanely short because he’s the feature on his own album for the most part, so, yeah, this is a damn good Boogie song with a few intrusions from the Skittles-man. If we had a version without Tekashi, I’d like it even more.
#20 – “AirForce” – Digdat
Who’s Digdat? Good question. How did his first ever single debut in the top 20? I don’t know, but congratulations, I guess. Since I’ve looked more into British hip-hop, I actually recognised the name but didn’t know much about his particular brand of reggae or pop-infused grime-trap, so I did some research, and yeah he’s pretty okay, albeit a tad boring, so I didn’t expect him to get a hit on his own – and that’s because he didn’t. This song charted because of a remix from much bigger grime duo Krept & Konan, but since that has less streams, we’re talking about the original, and again while I appreciate the dark string-based production and Digdat’s blunt and fast delivery, it’s a bit too generic, I’m sorry. There’s too much bass here that overpowers the actual beat, and the first minute essentially being a bunch of synth-air with producer tags is a bit of an odd choice. The beat is pretty good but the mixing somewhat ruins it, but not enough to be all that noticeable. It just rounds out to a perfect, balanced, “I don’t care”. Hope Digdat gets some more recognition after this, though, the dude has potential.
Conclusion
I don’t feel like I can really give Digdat a Dishonourable Mention or Worst of the Week, but “KIKA” is just clearly so much better, so yeah, Best of the Week goes to Tory Lanez, whilst I don’t think I can really be that mean to DIgdat, so he gets Honourable Mention for “AirForce”. See ya next week, when I’m guessing there will be an influx of Christmas music!
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