#When I'm actually just suffering from my mental illness and that can also trigger the intrusive thought side of the ocd

[sleeperagentclone]

I am too socially inept to deal with all the weird people my dad has collected over the years

#Like no my dad is not here right now because come back when he is #The old people who seem like they did too many drugs in the 70s/80s are more annoying #But like he'll set up a precedent of buying shit from homeless guys because “maybe they'll have something good someday” #And he'll just give them money which is all well and good (if I ever donate money to anything or give change to anyone I've been scammed) #But then he expects me (5'1 teenage girl looking ass) to refuse to give them money when he cuts them off #Like he is 65+ and over 6 feet tall I AM NOT #And like telling people who are seemingly unstable that you can't give them money and that no only the owner buys things and no you can't #Leave a pile of junk for him to look at later and no I can't give you any money over and over is fucking scary! #I am for sure speaking from a place of privilege because I would probably just be dead if not for my support network #I could very easily be on the other side of this I'm not fucking stable I can't hold down a real job #But I am just not equipped to be having these interactions and honestly I shouldn't be having them anyway #He keeps pretty regular hours and answers his phone so I don't understand why people are always looking for him when I'm here #I will say the homeless guys he buys from have gotten a lot better about coming in when he's actually here #And one of them Chris is perfectly nice he's a great artist but he also smells bad and is visiblely dirty sometimes and that sets off my ocd #and also makes me feel like a really shitty person for 'judging' him when I know that he doesn't have stable access to a shower #When I'm actually just suffering from my mental illness and that can also trigger the intrusive thought side of the ocd #Where I get stuck in a loop of thinking I'm a terrible person #And also I just feel bad not giving him money #And like we sell his art in the store but people rarely buy it which is annoying because it's pretty fucking sick

[faiiryteethh]

Trigger Warning: Rare Illness/Health Issues [wasn't sure if this need a tw but these topics make some ppl uncomfy so i wanted to be considerate anyway💜]

so a lot of ppl have been asking me why i don't post pics anymore or why i have barely been on social media compared to how i used to be. and the reason is i've been having severe health issues for a very long time. i can't even remember the last time i went more than a month without feeling nauseous, or actually throwing up, or just having headaches and stomach pain that are so bad i can barely tolerate them.

i've known for a while that i have gastritis, but my mom & my bf convinced me to go to a new doctor for a second opinion. after months & months of pure agony and feeling exhausted and sick to the point where i have no energy, i finally know why. i went to a specialist and discovered i have a rare illness called CVS (Cyclic vomiting syndrome). and i also am lactose intolerant which was amplifying my symptoms because i eat dairy products constantly.

i am going to be starting treatment for it and i really hope it improves my life and my ability to function because i am so tired of "living" like this. just existing has been exhausting and painful. i literally haven't been able to accomplish any of the goals i have because i can't go more than a few days without feeling horrible.

i already feel useless because i'm autistic and i have bipolar 1 and i'm waiting on disability payments to come through because i am unable to work with my disabilities. so my bf has been working and doing his best to take care of me and our kids. i just feel so horrible and guilty all the time. and i genuinely didn't know why i feel sick 24/7. all i want is to feel like myself again. and to do all the things i miss doing. i feel like i'm trapped by this illness.

i'm grateful to have answers and know what i'm dealing with finally. but after suffering like this almost every single day for so long its so hard to feel hopeful for the future at this point. i'm literally in tears as i type this. its just been really bad. i never do my makeup anymore or feel good about myself. i can barely move sometimes because the pain in my stomach is so bad or i get pain in my throat from vomiting for hours at a time, and then i get MORE pain from dry heaving due to not being able to hold down any food. and then i get random migraines and headaches that last all day as a result of all of that. its taking a huge toll on my body and my mental health. my depression gets worse during the winter season so when this started getting really bad it just made my mental health a million times worse. its literal hell.

but yeah thats why i haven't been online. real life is hard enough and i haven't been motivated to post because of the hell i'm going through or a lot of the time i physically CAN'T make content. but i'm going to keep trying. i'm going to do every fucking thing my doctors tell me to do because im so fed up with suffering. i promise that i will make content again and post the things i create and other stuff i used to post about before i stopped being able to function. as soon as i start to feel semi normal or at least well enough to do daily activities and complete even small goals, i will post about it. i'll keep u guys updated.

i appreciate every single person who follows me and my content, and all the ppl who keep checking up on me and wondering where the fuck i went. i love you guys so much💜 and i'm so sorry to all the ppl who haven't heard from me. if i can gain at least a little bit of my physical strength and health back, i will be so happy. i also am trying to get vitamins prescribed to me because im severely lacking nutrients but they are so expensive and i can't afford them out of pocket until i get my disability money. i'm also anemic and have to start taking iron supplements again. i'm just a giant ball of health issues😭 its actually ridiculous how bad my health has been. but i'm a mom and for that reason i will never stop trying. i will do whatever it takes to get better. i don't think my health could get much worse than it is currently. hopefully i didn't just jinx myself by saying that😭

sorry for the super long explanation, i just have sooo many messages in my inbox and questions that you guys send me that i haven't answered. i don't want to leave u in the dark. the connections i've made on this silly little blog mean the world to me. and everything i've been going through has been so hard to explain. but since i recently got a REAL answer as to why i'm suffering so much, i felt it was a good time to let you guys know what is going on with me. like i said, when i am able to feel somewhat normal again i will post consistently and re-open my shop too! it sucks so bad having a passion for creating but being too sick to even get out of bed other than to get sick in the bathroom. i've been to the emergency room more times this month than i have in the last 4 years. if i can overcome this awfulness i will not take it for granted. i will work harder than i ever have to create and share it with the world. but for now i just have to sit back and do whatever my doctors tell me to do and hope to god that it helps me 😞

#kh

[schizopositivity]

Hey, I hope your doing ok and I love your posts, even though I don’t have schizophrenia your posts help me see from other perspectives and be more open minded and considerate.

So anyway in the past week I came across two posts from two different people that were on tik tok that said (jokingly) “none of these people know I have schizophrenia” and it was a picture of an empty room.

I felt the need to share this and I was wondering what your opinion on these “jokes” are. but I don’t get how people can say people with schizophrenia are evil and then turn around and make harmful jokes about it.

And I don’t know if you have tik tok or see any posts like these but I was wondering how you deal with them (or how I should deal with them)

I don’t have tik tok and I refuse to download it but posts like these give me anxiety I do try to avoid these posts but when they cross my path I get angry and upset and I wish these people were educated enough to not make these jokes.

I hope this makes sense and I you have a good day

Thank you! I'm always grateful to see nonschizophrenics follow this blog just to get a new perspective, it brings me hope that people without the experience can still have enough respect and understanding to listen to people like me.

And yes, I am very aware of these types of "jokes". It's common enough to have the name "schizoposting" and I hate it so much. That particular joke has been done many, many times, and the punchline is the person with schizophrenia. These types of "jokes" range from making fun of symptoms like hallucinations, making fun of people who take antipsychotics, or triggering delusions just because people think it's funny. (Sidenote a lot of these "jokes" seem to think hallucinations are usually like seeing full people for long enough, and not being scared by them enough that they are your friend, when that actually isn't a very common hallucination at all and I think that idea comes from misrepresentations in the media.)

I hate these "jokes" for a few reasons. First they are making fun of real mentally ill people who can, and do see these posts. I do not see what's funny about making fun of serious symptoms that people actually suffer with. I didn't choose to have these symptoms or this disorder, it's not funny to me at all. I honestly don't see "jokes" at the expense of people with any other mental disorder by people who don't have the disorder nearly as often as I see jokes about schizophrenics by nonschizophrenics. I've never even looked for them and they just show up. My partners TikTok (which they don't use to look up any schizophrenia content) will just have them pop up. And I rarely see any backlash to this content that I would expect in this time where a lot more people are aware of mental illnesses and mistreatment of those who have them. Secondly, these "jokes" seem to assume that actual schizophrenic people won't see them, or they just don't care. Honestly a lot of people don't realize that schizophrenic people actually exist and actually participate in life and online. Thirdly the "jokes" that purposely trigger delusions/unreality can be very harmful to psychotic people. Once again this isn't funny at all. Fourthly this just adds a new layer of stigma to the already highly stigmatized disorder of schizophrenia. We are still seen as dangerous and scary, and also just existing, taking our meds and having symptoms is funny to people who don't experience it. I honestly have very rarely, if ever see people who are not psychotic stand up for psychotic people online, it seems much more people are willing to just laugh at us.

For people like you who are not schizophrenic and see this content online anywhere, please report it as harassment and don't leave a comment/reply. Even if you are commenting to educate, the algorithm will just see this as engagement and possibly push it out to more people.

For anyone reading this who is schizophrenic/psychotic and you see this content, report it if you feel comfortable with that, and block the account.

These "jokes" shouldn't exist, and everyone should be able to see how rude and sanist they are.

For me, when I see these posts I get angry, but I try not to look at them too long, and I don't attempt to educate those people. It's not worth my time or energy and I think if everyone with respect for schizophrenic people just ignored them it would be helpful. Unless you personally know someone who is posting these "jokes" and they can listen to you, you can try to educate them. Honestly it comes down to letting nonschizophrenic people know that schizophrenic people are human beings that deserve basic respect, because they may have never been told that before.

#answered #schizoposting #schizophrenia #schizophrenia jokes #mental illness #nd #schizophrenic #neurodivergent #psychosis #actuallyschizophrenic #mental health awareness #pseriouslypsychotic

[tobiasdrake]

Since I can't do Fubuki's third Hangout until an ambiguous time in the future (probably after we see her Forte), that brings us to Vivia's third hangout!

It continues to break my heart, every time I see this man upright. I hope when we solve a crime with him (process of elimination says next chapter), he gets to lay in a wheelbarrow and we can truck him around. He was not made for manual locomotion.

Also, if any of us is a homunculus, it's probably him. He was, earlier, complaining about how it would be nice to die some day. That takes on a whole new meaning if he's an immortal humanoid. I had him pegged for vampire but homunculus makes sense too.

Going out on a limb here and saying that means "I'm hungry" in Vivia-speak.

My dude, I get it. Come with me. We can go get Chinese ramen burgers pizza MEAT BUNS and hang out under a bridge or something.

Holy shit, we actually have a person who isn't under the spell of Kanai Ward's signature meat buns. Seriously, there is an alarming amount of attention being paid in random NPC convos to the way that everyone obsessively devours meat buns, to the exclusion of other fast food places. I'm beginning to suspect foul play.

Yuma, he's trying to tell you that he's neurodivergent and signals like hunger or thirst get classified in his brain as an optional, non-priority thing.

He can't help it because people don't consciously think about biological needs. A lot of it is reflexive, and when your brain is wired in certain ways, those reflexes don't trigger properly.

This happens to me a lot with thirst. If my water container is empty and I'm in the middle of something, my brain will reflexively go

-> I'm thirsty. -> Water's empty. -> Oh well, no water.

I have to consciously stop and tell my brain that no, that's insane, we have to go refill the water. We can't just not drink water because the water's empty. Drinking water is non-optional.

...speaking of which, my water is empty. How long has it been empty? One sec, need to go refill it.

Meanwhile, my friend who suffers from a variety of mental illnesses and is neurodivergent on top of it has a thing where their body doesn't transmit hunger signals at all. They literally can't get hungry. They have to rely on external information to tell them to eat; Mainly, they eat when other people around them eat.

Oh, listen to Mr. Neurotypical over here. Fuck you, Yuma. Not everybody has the luxury of having their wires plugged in right. We all have our own struggles.

#master detective archives: rain code #drake plays rain code #vivia twilight

[tongues--and--teeth]

Fuck i fucking love your art smmmm

Berserk boi

QUICK GIVE ME ALL YOUR BERSERK CACAOO HCSSS

Oh my god! Thank you so much! This totally made my day <33333

I'm so sorry this took so long, I've been really busy lately :(

(TW for gore mention)

So actually I headcanon that his berserk form is connected to his soul jam. Kind of like a little side effect. Y'know what use is a sword if not to harm others? If not to shed blood? (and also this sword hurts its owner too!) and it's the soul jam of resolution which is also dictionary definition, literally a firm decision that you're unwavering in. If Dark Cacao ever goes back on his decision to take the sword, guess what! He goes berserk until it consumes all of his life force and kills him. woo. 

He used to be able to control the berserk form a little, being able to turn partially into it to fight and stuff. He did lose the power to do so as he got older. Turning into his half-form and full form basically torturing him every time he tried to use it. It also completely removes pretty much all mental capacity for intelligent thought, so he can't use it in a "productive" way even if he wanted to. Basically just blind destruction with no distinction between friend or foe. 

(^that's actually the concept for the drawing you saw)

Personally, I have his berserk form more or less as kind of an allegory for illness, a physical manifestation of internal pain. He was making it a fuel to keep going instead of actually confronting the “bad stuff” that happened. He was taking how it hurt him and using that to keep going, instead of confronting it head-on and getting it to stop hurting him. Eventually, he couldn't keep doing this, it was destroying him and he was losing control. So now, he couldn’t use it for anything, aka, his pain isn't useful anymore. Anyway, he does still transform into his berserk form (albeit unintentionally) but only during times of extreme stress and triggers like certain sounds, textures, and tastes. It's also triggered through more physical means, if he stands too long his legs start turning to smoke, if he fights too long his eyes glow white, it's torture every time. In very special cases (Pomegranate Cookie) he goes full berserk, it usually takes him out for weeks, unable to do much, hardly able to take care of himself, much less able to make himself useful as a king or as a warrior.

Actually, after he stopped going berserk back in book 14, I think he was cut open pretty much everywhere underneath his armor. His guts were spilling out, and were barely contained by his armor. It basically cut him almost completely in half. He still managed to fight afterwards, obviously at great personal cost, but he was still able to fight. Weeks after, he could barely move, he was stuck in bed, and even small things like sitting up were a huge struggle. The only reason he's not dead is because of his soul jam, the same reason he was cursed in the first place. His immortality at the cost of eternal suffering and the like.

After book 14, he forces enough energy to attend the council of heroes (AKA Cookie Odyssey chapter 1) but the smallest things keep setting him off, turning him slightly berserk every time. He is spending every second he can lying down in his tent. It prevents his wounds from healing, and it also keeps him from thinking clearly. When he tried killing Clotted Cream the, admittedly very little, healing that was done was immediately reversed. He ended up barely functioning, with the only reason he was able to continue with the council was because Hollyberry noticed him limping and had Pure Vanilla heal him. Which only did so much, because it’s…A curse that's both caused by and stopped by his immortality, and you can't just fix that without probably killing him instantly. So, he doesn’t have a permanent solution, and he’s stuck with this until the end of time.

Thank you again for the ask. It was really fun to do! Sorry again for taking so long to finish it :(

#gore mention tw #death mention tw #Just a little though #dark cacao crk #dark cacao cookie #dark cacao kingdom #Crk #cr kingdom #cookie run au

[doctorweebmd]

hi this isn't a question i just desperately need to tell you how much zero sum game ruined me and put me back together again. lurking mental illness and suicidality under shit circumstances, physical disability, mental and physical scars, constantly fighting off the ptsd and having to learn how to cope in ways that don't hurt other people so you can hang onto the person that makes it all worth it. it's everything i've gone through, right down to soul destroying and healing intimacy, at first to feel pain and then to attempt feeling truly good for the first time. zero sum is undoubtedly going to be one of those artworks i can never shake off my psyche in the best way, like an abstract background hug for my heart. thank you so much for taking so many scary themes to tackle and packaging them so beautifully, i really needed that lately.

sincerely, a previous battle of the bands fan who is now absorbing your entire oeuvre into their personality.

first i want to thank you profusely for sending me this. thank you for sharing your own experience, and your own pain. i know thats not easy and i'm some random person but honestly reading this makes me feel not so alone in the world. of course, thank you for reading, but also for relaying that you felt seen by it. i always feel so silly because its a my hero academia fanfiction but, with all sincerity, words like yours are what make writing it worth it.

zero-sum is sincerely my favorite thing i've ever written and probably always will be. not because i think the plot is awesome or the physics stuff was cool (EVEN THOUGH I STILL THINK THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE) but because its the first time i was able to write about my own personal experiences with mental illness (heavily projected onto Katsuki and Izuku, lmao) in over ten years.

Okay fair warning i am going to overshare under the cut so please feel free to stop reading also I love you and cherish you and appreciate you thank you so so so much for sending this

i'm sharing this because, at some point, i needed to read this. maybe someone will stumble on to it and realize something. maybe not. maybe its just another way for me to continue to process what happened. i think i'll always be processing it. mental illness is a bitch

when things got really bad for me (the first time around) i stopped writing completely. at that time, i truly, from the bottom of my heart, believed that my disorder was the only thing that made my writing interesting. that if i was to recover, that means i could no longer do the only thing i was good for. unironically, writing was actually a major barrier to my recovery for some time.

writing, the thing i loved most in the world, started heavily triggering me.

so i stopped.

the problem was, i heavily romanticized what i was going through in my writing. i made the suffering 'beautiful.' by thinking it was beautiful, i was trapping myself in a loop of self-destruction.

they say, 'write what you know.' but all i knew was misery. so misery was what i wrote.

romanticizing your pain is something i think we all do. sometimes you have to. its a survival mechanism. if the pain is 'beautiful,' then its 'tolerable' to go through.

what no one really tells you about mental illness is that its really, really fucking lonely.

what no one tells you about recovery is, its even lonelier. its the most isolating thing in the world. everything you relied on, everything you thought to be true, the way you interact with the world completely changes.

things are always going to be different. you can't go back to who you were before.

what i did do, when i went into recovery, was read the very few published books about people with (disorder) who recovered. over and over and over again. i needed something to latch on to. anything. i needed to believe it was possible. i needed to believe people like me survived. that they could find happiness. that they could find love. that there is space in this world for people as broken as me.

i dont know. zero-sum, to me, was a love letter to that 19 year old kid that hit her (first) rock bottom. i pretended she didn't exist because it hurt too much to think about her. but what she needed to know, then, that recovering, no matter how difficult, was worth it. that life can and WILL get better. that she will one day wake up every morning and think 'fuck. i'm so glad i'm alive.' that even people like her can find happiness.

that one day, many years later, embarrassed, she'll show her scars to a person she just started dating. that he'll sheepishly show her his. that they'll exchange police reports like love letters. she'll learn that there are people out there that understand her. have felt her same pain. have lived through the same hell. she'll learn that survival is sometimes based on hope, and sometimes based on spite.

but is, despite it all, always worth it.

she'll learn that her suffering does not preclude her from love and connection and happiness.

that one day, she won't feel so alone.

and that one day, she'll be able to sit down at her computer and write about it. maybe it will be in the form of my hero academia fanfiction lmao but that doesn't make it any less real.

maybe it will reach someone. maybe it won't.

but one day, she'll be able to do the thing she loved more than anything in the world again, because nothing is ever truly lost.

there is a future worth fighting for.

#oh wow i got like super emotional writing this lmao #i am so sorry anon i know this is not what you intended behind this message lol #thank you so much for reading and for your kind words #and apologies #for kind of...... letting it get away from me lmao #recovery is not linear. i still struggle with my mental health #its been like 10 years and thinking about it still feels fresh #but. like. yeah. recovery is possible. happiness is possible. #it might seem like you will never get better #god. i KNOW. #but it does. and it will. #and you are not alone

[bobbydearest]

Hey everyone its result of suppressing anxiety season i made extremely poor decisions yesterday by think "oh let's see how long we can prevent ourselves from being a bag of chronic anxiety, and other shit". When the kiddos(my cousins) got home I basically hid in the room im staying in until I knew it was suppertime then had to load my laundry, thankfully my aunt was nice enough to put my clothes in the dryer.... im drained as well as extremely easily drained of energy mainly my social batteries were damaged from suppressing my anxiety,ptsd, agoraphobia, etc plus the 4th of July hasn't been enjoyable (main ex. Actual fireworks) since I was like 10 maybe... loud noises arent fun no matter what type if day im having for some reason that trigger i cant block completely and grounding excercises, coping skills etc dont always work, so I usually just have my music playing so semi prevention of a stressed induced seizure doesn't occur... also today im taking a selfcare day while doing mini chores but other than that I'm not doing much...

@holylulusworld,@jawritter,@toomanystoriessolittletime,@sweater-daddiesdumbdork ,@jewels2876,@navybrat817-sideblog ,@muchamusedaboutnothing ,@pascalpanic ,@hannahshattuck , @angryschnauzer ,@theycallmebecca , @hobis-hope94,@jobean12-blog,@impala-dreamer,@because-imma-lady-assface,@the-ginger-hedge-witch, and @ everyone else who I forgot about but yall are amazing and dont do the stupid shit i did yesterday its not fun or worth the effect it causes...

P.S to all yall who suffer from anytype of anxiety, PTSD, depression, or any of the things associated with mental health your not alone in this just take one day at a time with the thought that each day is a new start, dont let your *insert your illness here* control your day or thoughts because sometimes those aren't the best things to do, there are so many people who hide behind it instead of working through it and recentering themselves because from experience it's not worth the pain that it causes....

#mod speaks #ally speaks #life update #fucking hell #suffering #adulting sucks #ted talks #just ranting #anxeity #ptsd #social battery #1% #regret #delete later #nervous #ball of confusion #ball of anxiety #support #mentally exhausted #mental awareness

[papirouge]

What are your political/life views? I just found your blog, you have so many varying ( yet valid) opinions

uduekzkskejejaldkz I am not a political person (I don't even vote lol) but I beefed with so many people who got so confused by my position because it's impossible to fit me in a box. I know some people are genuinely confused at me not being conservative. Or me orbiting around radfem...while being prolife. I may be Christian, but I'll NEVER be the token Black woman/Christian Candace Owens (lol) (though homegirl can have very stupid views i.e jumping on the Tate white knight bandwagon). Some White Christians are veeeeery transparent with their (cultural, racial) bias and I don't mess with them. I am actually very pro Black (pro Black WOMEN - I am very into "corrective promotion of Black women" Black feminity, hypergamy, etc.) but some Black people might dislike me bc I loathe rap culture, call out the one drop rule and Black women obsession with wearing Asian women hair... 🤫

I think the blueprint behind my mindset is that I am a VERY logical person.. I hate double standards and hypocrisy. I can respect a standpoint totally opposed to mine as long as it's consistent.

Some of my milestones 😹

💥 I beefed with Christians hypocrites seething on homosexuals while being spiritual adulterers themselves (watching witchy shows)

💥 I beefed with Calvinist for saying Once Saved Always Saved wasn't biblical 👀 when I came out as a Christian I called out a big/popular Christian/Calvinist blogger (I didn't realize how popular she was when I called her out lmao) and she freaked out and deactivated and all of followers went off at me lmaooo even today IDK what triggered her to react this way... I think she was mentally ill :/ (?) She came back though but blocked me. If it helps her feeling safer her I'm fine with that tbh. Then a pro OSAS/Calvinist Christian YouTuber challenged me (several times) to a d-d-d-duel but I said "lmao. No." The idea of a Calvinist Christian YouTuber having a one-sided beef with me cracks me up tbh lmao #papirougeexposed 👀

💥 I beefed with Cath trad nv crusaders for making fun of colonialism & slavery à la "it just taught these savages how to behave 😈" while being shook when people look up Communism (bc their grandpa died in a gulag or whatever). So it's ok to make fun of entire countries/civilizations being genocided and enslaved from centuries...but looking up a dead regime that made your family suffer soooooo baaaad is somehow morally corrupt? just choke already - and props to Stalin for keeping your ancestors on check considering how ugly their offspring turned out to be.... ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ see how bad it sounds? now WHY do those ghouls feel comfortable doing so for non Whites/non-Europeans? I HATE these demons.

💥 I regularly beef with pro gun Christians because gun culture is from the devil and unbiblical

💥 I regularly beef with radfem because they hate that I'm pro life (but otherwise love my takes which makes them ever more mad LOL)

💥 I beefed with (Christian) libertarians because they're stupid 🤷🏾‍♀️ Also you can't hate against governments authority (or simply existing) while being Christian. Governments are from God. Their dedication to act like Romans 13 didn't exist is hysterical.

💥 I beefed with kpop stans for saying kpop guys are ugly and were sending people to hell lmao

#answered

[neurotheascars]

TRIGGER WARNING-

this blog has lots of unpleasant imagery on it and I'm too cognitively handicapped to tag reliably. This is my uncensored safe space.

IF YOU ARE HERE TO TELL ME TO UN TAG SOMETHING JUST BLOCK ME.

18+ please.

Scroll at your risk.

I follow from my hosts account @polychaeteworm

My name is pronounced "Sara". I'm not a girl, not a boy, not a man, not a woman. I'm a tall alien. Femme like an elf, masc like a vampire. I'm mostly autoromantic and objectum for large bongs and blades.

I don't care what pronouns you use on me. My host defaults to he/him but I do not mind she/her or shee/hir. My species only has one sex, but an individualistic gender system, so I am Xenogender and genderflux in every sense of the words. I don't human gender concepts.

I love swords and smoking weed and I have a strong desire to run into the woods/onto a highway/into the ocean when I'm upset because I get weird alien homesickness. I talk about that here a lot, but don't worry, I am safe and supervised.

Really into Saltburn right now, so that shows up here too. Felix Catton is my Tumblr blorbo. I also just really really like dark royalty/vampire and academia in general as well as sick little freaks.

Kinks that might appear here- smoking/intox, blood/blades, shibari, parasitism/corruption, and maybe sometimes consang.

Discourse positions-

I'm anti misinfo and pro endo. My system is traumagenic but I do not like associating my existence with a mental disorder because of my origin within my paracosm. I respectfully don't like being referred to as having "come from trauma".

I'm a CSA survivor who writes and reads nasty things to cope and I'm not interested in hearing why you think I'm a freak for my kinks or the stuff I reblog. I'm pro-recovery and pro fiction. I do not support irl harm. I don't think of what I write as "shipping" because my system only reads and writes OC and we associate the term shipping with fandom. We don't mind fanfics, we just favor focusing on OC content.

Send all complaints to my host and steward, Orn (@polycheateworm) he is better articulate and I'm not nice to have an argument with because of my language challenges so please be patient. He also is better equipped to answer most questions you might have about me. Most of what I say here is dictated within the system so I'm actually less articulate as an altar than I appear on average so if I get upset and don't have an alter to dictate to, my language might decline.

What does your username mean?

My system has maladaptive daydreaming and I am an introject of an extremely developed OC from a paracosm.

Because I spent most of my life living inside an inner world that is as complex as the real one, my personal history and memories are not fully Earth Related.

Neurothea is an illness on the planet I come from. It hurts your brain in a lot of ways, you catch it from parasites and it can kill you. If you survive it you will have large scars from it. it's an exotrauma embodiment of complex abuse my human body has suffered. Its a fictional way that I as an alter interface with the difficulty my body has.

#pinned post

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

vent/rant i guess..

i see a lot of things regarding ed recovery that talk about how "i got sick and tired of being this way or of starving myself/ect. ect." and i just.. i appreciate the sentiment but that's never been how it works for me. at most, it's temporary motivation that fades out soon.

sometimes i'll be eating okay and then our stove is broken so i can hardly eat anything (i live with my parent as a student) and we can't go out either because our family friend is staying with us to do some repairs to our house, so my dad and him just eat steak every night or something similar. i tried steak with them once because i just. didn't feel like starving. and.. it wasn't my thing. so i can't really eat steak either because of the flavour and texture.

and i discovered the weight machine a few weeks ago so that's been.. not so conducive to my recovery. and i was losing weight. faster than i've ever lost weight before. and.. i found myself happy about it. it wasn't any sort of concerning rapid weight loss, but.. i was happy.

found out i can actually make food in an instantpot now. which is.. not ideal, but. it's better than nothing. and now i'm not really losing weight anymore which.. is a little bit of a disappointment?

anyways, as i was saying. i fluctuate constantly between: "ok lets do this. i like eating food because it tastes good i want to consume it." and "ew i hate food i don't like eating food it makes me gain weight i don't like it."

(i think it may be good to note that eating doesn't actually make me gain weight with the amount of food i used to consume daily. i think it's mostly bloating since i always tend to return back to the same weight in the morning and then hover around the same weight after i eat food.)

agh, i guess this is kind of long. but. idk. needed to get this out to someone who actually understands lol

Hi! I'm glad you found my blog a safe place to get this out! I took a while to get to this (It's taking me some time to get to asks rn bc Life) but I think that a lot of people will be able to relate to this. It can be really hard to commit to recovery, especially because peoples' EDs & motivations can fluctuate. I definitely get what you're saying, since I also have temptations to sort of "punish" myself when I'm down or deny myself things like good foods.

It can be hard to commit to recovery when you never know what circumstances will trigger a relapse! It can also be hard to figure out exactly what will work for your body and mind at differing points in your mental cycle. I'd suggest you bring a safefood to just nibble on if you find yourself in a circumstance where you can't bring yourself to eat whatever food is on offer.

While it sounds like your relationship with food could use some healing, I think it sounds like there might be more underlying work to do regarding your relationship with yourself and with your body. Like learning to tell yourself "I deserve health and healing even when I'm in a place where I feel like I do not" or "I deserve to treat myself with care especially when I feel like I don't" or "My body has worth because it houses me and that worth does not change based on my weight/appearance/meal bloat."

(Also, speaking as a chronic illness sufferer, if you are experiencing extreme bloat even after eating small amounts, or are in physical discomfort after eating from bloat, you may be allergic/have an intolerance to a specific ingredient. If this is the case, and if it won't trigger your ED too much, I suggest you fiddle around with your diet until you find out what's making this happen! Small amounts of bloat are normal after meals, especially if your body is adjusting to eating normally again after a lengthy pattern of restriction, but serious physical change/discomfort could indicate an underlying problem. Remember, your body deserves to have food that makes it feel good!)

#ed recovery #ed cw #restriction cw #body image #weight mention #ana recovery

[faith--in-the-future]

i’m sorry but the last anon is kinda right, i have an ex who was alcoholic and idk why but seeing that bottle today was really triggering for me because it shows that louis really does have an addiction like who drinks vodka at the rehearsals :(

i obviously don’t blame him, i think it’s his coping mechanism with the shit that’s going on but it’s very sad to see him going down that patch, always drinking, going to the bars everyday and drink so much that he has a “hangover from hell” the next morning, that beer he had during interview with zach sang like why couldn’t he wait until he’s done to drink that beer? i don’t even remember when the last time we saw him sober. anyways, i just hope he knows what he’s doing and so sorry for ranting, i just feel this on personal level :(

I'm sorry for your ex and for you, addiction like all mental illnesses takes a toll not only on the victim but also those around him. I hope both you and that person are happier now!

also I'd like to remind everyone that addiction, like all mental illnesses, can come in many forms, just bc you don't see someone drink when they're with you it doesn't mean they don't have a problem or just bc someone isn't explicitly suicidal and depressed it doesn't mean they aren't going through that internally, and also we can't exactly diagnose anyone without

1- appropriate training

2- talking to them directly

so we can speculate here and I'm happy to talk about these topics in a general way bc I think it's a necessary and constructive conversation to have since evidently many people like that past anon, still see addiction as a choice someone makes and its victims as culprits rather than victims which is the same rethoric politicians use to push back policies to help addicts and discredit mental health in general.

having said that, the behavior you described isn't necessarily addiction, necessary criteria for substance abuse disorder are tolerance (the drug's positive effects slowly decrease forcing you to take higher and higher doses) and withdrawal symptoms if the drug is not consumed, and we don't know if louis experiences that or not (we really don't know for cigarettes either, i think he's shown more worrying behavior with cigarettes than alcohol but it's just my observation not a diagnosis) , with liam we speak about addiction bc he himself told us which is different

anyways, diagnosis or not, recovery or not, seeing someone you love suffer is never nice and it can be very frustrating at times bc u watch someone being essentially destroyed by something and you can't do anything about it! but I think we can't let our frustration and sadness turn into anger towards that person bc it will only make things worse for us and for them. we can only help and support them in their recovery (if we actually know them in person )

#ask #anon

[violentviolette]

I was that anon who asked about pds without trauma the other day. First I wanna say thank you for taking the time to respond to me!! And also if you don't wanna respond or post this cause it might be triggering that's fine! It's just strange because I've looked a bit into cptsd, and I know trauma doesn't always some form of severe abuse. I've even read about emotions neglect and felt maybe that's what I've dealt with. My father had substance abuse problems, and before that started he himself was suffering from mental health issues. But he never hurt, physically or emotionally, me or my siblings. My mom was around and loved us but she never fully listened to me and I always felt like my feelings didn't matter. And it's just strange because again I know you don't need to experience abuse to experience trauma but my situation doesn't feel like "enough". Even when I type that I know it sounds ridiculous cause I would never say to someone else that what they dealt with wasn't enough. But I still don't view my experiences as trauma or enough to have developed the symptoms I have now. And my therapist said you don't have to have anything bad happen to have these symptoms which again just makes me feel like I'm trying to create something that never really existed. Idk it is just hard to accept any of it. And even harder to try and actually talk to my therapist about it. But still thank you for taking the time to actually respond to me the other day, it meant a lot !!

np anon, im glad it helped

I want to again point out with the utmost peace and love, that my friend u literally just listed off multiple things that 100% lead to childhood trauma and then said "but i don't have trauma" lol

literally every trauma victim thinks their situation was "enough" or that it didn't "count." I remember saying the exact same things u are to my therapist.

I think a helpful way to think about it is that, there doesn't need to be malicious intent. u parents could very well be good people who were trying their best, but unfortunately that situation was still negatively impactful for u and left u with trauma

sometimes situations are just traumatic to experience even if no one is "at fault" if that makes sense. even if the people involved weren't trying to cause u harm, u can still get hurt u know?

having a mentally ill parent with substance abuse issues is absolutely traumatizing and leaves long lasting negative consequences for the children involved. even if ur father wasn't purposefully trying to hurt u and did love u, his struggles impacted u and the way u were raised and probably led to lots of instability issues among other things

and in the same way, ur mom not listening to u and u never feeling truly heard or taken seriously is also something that can lead to longterm issues. even if it wasn't malicious and she wasn't intending to hurt u because she loved u, the consoquences of the way she made u feel negatively impacted u

I know its hard but I definitely encourage u to keep trying to talk to ur therapist about it. almost all trauma victims feel the way u do now. ur not faking or creating something out of nothing, but ur also not branding ur parents awful horrible abusers by acknowledging that some of their decisions negatively affected u, even of they didn't mean for them to

#jack.speaks #anon

[funkytoesart]

How do you cope with artblock?

This is honestly a bit hard for me to answer, bc if I'm being honest, I really struggle a lot with artblock! And i don't always handle it well. I have a bipolar element to my mental illness, and like when I'm in a depressive state, I tend to think my whole has been and always will be also depressive. The same goes for artblock. I start thinking "This will never end, I'll ALWAYS have trouble creating". However, I don't think this is coincidental. I personally don't think artblock as a standalone concept exists. I think artblock is a byproduct of a combination of your mental/emotional states, circumstances, and environment. It's hard to create when you're feeling down and the world feels like it's falling apart. Even when things seem to be fine, there are often a trigger or cause of artblock. Sometimes it's just burnout from over producing. Sometimes it's the pressure of performing as an artist on social media. What helps me the most, even if I don't always recognize this in the moment, is to find what the trigger for my artblock was. This can be hard but can give you an idea of how to treat it. If it's burnout, you may need a rest. If it's performance pressure on social media, maybe it's time to take a step away and do a social media detox. If it's a mental health related cause, reach out to someone you trust or a mental health professional and seek help (which honestly is helpful no matter what with artblock). Honestly the most important thing to remember is that your creativity WILL come back. Even if it takes longer than you'd like. I know it's hard as an artist not to be creating, but oftentimes artblock can be a sign that we need to make a change somewhere. Whether that's for our mental/physical health or otherwise. Not always the case, but oftentimes. So, be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, and try to find the root cause so you can support yourself in the best way possible!

Sorry for the long discombobulated answer lol! I actually think about art block a lot bc i suffer from it a lot, so I have a lot of thoughts about it ^^' Hopefully this made some sense and is helpful in a small way :)

#funky's personal tag #artblock

[nathank77]

4/13/24

12:18 a.m

Talk about driving me fucking crazy. Can you just tell me? Cause I want a retest if it comes back positive.

At this point I'm just accepting I have HSV2. Do I know for sure? Absolutely not cause quest won't finish the fucking test and I've had absolutely no symptoms but- pretending it's a positive will make a positive less traumatic.

I haven't talked to my mother yet but for some reason, I know damn well if I have it, it's from her giving birth to me vaginally.

How do I feel about this? Well if I pretend it's def positive, even though I know I have HSV1....

1) Well I've been asymptomatic for 16 years to 33 years depending on if it was from my Mother or my two sexcapade so who really cares when it comes to my body? I'm not going to ever get symptoms.

2) Obviously I'll be worried I'll get symptoms one day bc they can be a horror story but I have to use time as a reference and psychosis as the most traumatizing event cause it is and then all my other shit that didn't trigger it.

Also there are treatments for it, if you end up being someone very symptomatic that can stop infection frequency. Katelyn had to do it cause she had many outbreaks.

I can avoid certain things that cause outbreaks and otherwise I can just assume I'll never have symptoms and only worry about it if I do.

And if I ever do I won't be surprised bc I'll know.

3) I feel bad for all my exes. Cause I'm telling 2 or 3 out of 4 of them. If I can reach Cecile. I mean I'd want to know if it was the shoe on the other foot so I could get tested. I can't tell Jon cause he won't talk to me but I would if I could.

They'll also low key hate me-its not my fault planned parenthood only tests for HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia..

I've gotten all my tests done at planned parenthood after every partner since I was like 18 years old and I was over here thinking they screened for everything but they don't. They do not do a full panel like my primary care did. They don't even test for Hepitas for christ sake.

-I'm over here thinking I only have two things, one that isn't even a std:

1] HSV1- My cold sores make it undeniable and I've told everyone I dated.

2] I have Pearly Penile Papules, I've had those since I started testosterone. They aren't sexually attractive, they line the head of my dick and they are ultra tiny. However they increase sexual pleasure and they aren't contagious. They don't do anything. They just exist. They are harmless. I've always told my partners about them bc everyone freaks out about bumps down below and I actually went to Planned Parenthood and had them look at my dick and diagnose it years ago, so it's actually what they are.

3) My main concern is that no one will date me bc I will tell everyone that I get serious with. Not right away but well before sex.

- I wish she hadn't done the blood test. They say needless suffering for a reason. Cause they aren't very accurate and I'm over here saying, "Nathan idc if it's in progress you have HSV2, in order to soften the blow if it comes back positive."

- Either way I wait. I'm mostly concerned that no one will date me. I can't blame someone for not wanting it.

- I mean I'm a transguy. I'm disabled. I'm very mentally ill. I'm a low life. And If I have HSV2 good bye to any chance of me finding a partner.

-Either way it's still in progress. It could come back negative, I just got to prepare for the worst case scenario. And if it comes back negative I'll be happy as a pig in shit. If it comes back positive, then I'll feel all the things I wrote above and I'll get retested and I'll start looking at test accuracy rates.

[intotheventures]

Wait a second, intotheventures, themattress called you "mentally ill" because you don't like the same game as he does?

Jeez, at this point anon actually kind of misses the haters of decades ago. Previously, haters would just say you're wrong, or call you an idiot, or say you have bad taste, etc.

But people like mattress or eric aren't satisfied with claiming you're wrong, they have to claim you have mental problems on top of it.

At least the haters of previous decades were AWARE that not everyone thought like they do; they just thought "everyone else is wrong and we're right".

But mattress and eric don't even have that kind of awareness; they think everyone naturally has the same mindset they do but are just suffering from some sort of brain disorder.

They don't think "everyone else is wrong", they think "everyone is self-righteous, everyone else has protagonist syndrome, everyone else is a misogynist, everyone else is mentally ill or delusional or emotionally imbalanced etc. etc. etc."

They're not above ableism when it suits them.

Everything you said is correct, I would also add that they're the ones with issues if they're so easily triggered by people not liking a video game (let's ignore for a second that I'm not every instance of "KH2 hating anon" as explained in an old post). But even if their opponents did have mental problems, it doesn't make the two morons more credible, nor does it invalidate any criticisms towards them or their sacred cow.

They can call me autistic (and other variations) all they want, my problem is more so that they pretend to have the moral high ground while doing so.

#anti themattress #themattress sucks #themattress critical #anti ultraericthered #ultraericthered critical #ultraericthered sucks #anonymous #anon #truth #themattress negativity #ultraericthered negativity

[this-is-mine-and-mine-alone]

ABOUT ME

Call me Ky (rhymes with eye)

I'm 22 & a libra

I'm a WOC

I'm sadly a working girly

I'm not straight (I don't have a gender preference)

I use she/her pronouns

I'm pretty introverted & shy

I suffer from depression & anxiety

I've had a tumblr since middle school

This is my 1st time being interactive with others on this app so please be sweet

I literally made this as like a low-key rant diary/Void to scream my interests & thoughts because life,years of trauma,& damn near crippling anxiety has fucked up my social skills & I just need an outlet. I don't expect I guess anyone to respond to this. I just don't want to continue being alone with my feelings & I think this could be a place to start. If anyone does respond to this you're welcome to comment (within reason & with kindness I beg of you),but be warned I'm super shy/anxious & will shy away from responding to messages (think of me as a scared stray & don't shake your pet food can at me too intently). I just want to get all my jitters/hyperfixations/Madness/general feelings & ickiness out. Also just an FYI dni if you're a minor/uncomfortable or triggered of talks of abuse & mental illness/a bigot of any kind/sex stuff (I'm not gonna go on about my nonexistent intimate life don't worry. I don't even really talk about sex like that I just have an interest in femdom stuff from time to time (me being the dom) & I think the psychology of it is interesting as well as the dynamic).

Ok now for the fun stuff

My interests (off the top of my head) include:

Movies

*horror/action/sci-fi/thriller/animated movies from my childhood & "some" of the new stuff

I like most MCU & DCEU movies (I owned a tumblr in the mid to late 2010s I'm practically a veteran. But I will say I have more nostalgia for the older mcu movies,but I kind of fell off in the past few years of fond remembrance outside of fandom for it as a whole. I actually really enjoy most of the new stuff (all of the shows except fatws/some of the 1st season of loki)

My favs include

Studio ghibli (I didn't watch a single movie till the age of 19) specifically Howl's moving castle/Spirited away/princess mononoke/kiki's delivery service/arriety/the cat returns. These movies fill with legit smiles & warmth

All the john wick movies (mf Keanu Reeves)

All of the evil dead movies

The lost boys

Scream 1/2/4/6

The old bratz/Monster high/barbie movies (barbie specifically from the vhs-to before the 2010s)

Jennifer's body

Bride of chucky/seed of chucky/Cult of chucky

The 1st 2 bill & Ted movies

The Matrix/the matrix reloaded

Mad max fury road

Constantine

Sucker punch

Isle of the dogs

Train to busan

Promare

All of the mha movies

Teenage mutant ninja turtles mutant mayhem

CATWS

Thor the dark world

Black panther

The amazing Spiderman

Into the spider-verse

Across the spider-verse

Black panther wakanda forever

Saw 1/2/3/x

Ginger snaps

Kill bill 1/2

Battle royale

Death proof

Moulin rouge

Chicago

The hunger games

Bullet train

Midnight

Ballerina

Obviously old childhood movies from Disney/pixar/DreamWorks & just really almost any kids movie that came out when I was young

Music

*literally anything but country (no offense to people who like country music. Off the top of my head I listen to rock/pop/metal/kpop & jpop occasionally/hyperpop/50s,60s,70s,80s,90,& early 2000s music/rap/hip hop/some anime music/some game soundtracks (especially Bayonetta/dmc)

Video Games

*I usually stick to horror/action with the occasional comfy games

Games that I have played (played/finished & or played/haven't finished) include:

Dmc 1/2/3/5

Bayonetta 1/2/3

BOTW

TOTK

Horizon forbidden west

Horizon zero dawn

The last of us & dlc

The last of us part 2

Ghost of tsushima

The quarry

Resident evil 4/5/6/7 & the Resident evil 3 remake

Animal crossing new horizons

Stardew valley

Sunset overdrive

Sims

Astral chain

Unpacking

Cult of the lamb

Spiritfarer

Uncharted

Spiderman (I haven't played the new one yet yes I know it's amazing & yes I will be playing it once I get a ps5)

The tomb raider reboot trilogy

The arkhamverse batman games

Old ds games from my childhood (my littlest pet shop/mario/hello kitty big city dreams/some of the Mario & Sonic Olympic games/cooking mama/monster high/a few bratz games)

A decent amount of mortal kombat/tekken/street fighter & 1 doa game when I was a kid

There's definitely more I just can't think off anything else

I'm not really a first person shooter game person & really don't like 1st person pov in games. I don't know why I just don't care for the perspective.

TV

*The walking dead (I fell off on season 7 I think)

TVD

Old law & order svu/criminal minds reruns

You

Bob's burgers

Invader zim

Blue eyed samurai

Live action one piece

Owl house

Amphibia

The imperfects

Voltron legendary defenders (I was very late to the party but I remember chaos)

She-ra princesses of power

ATLA

The legend of korra

Adventure time

Gumball

Arcane

Santa Clarita's diet

The boys

Gen v

Castlevania

Castlevania nocturne

The legend of vox machina

Supernatural (preferably season 1-9)

The umbrella academy

Lovecraft country

Moon knight

She-hulk

Alice in borderland

Sweet home

All if us are dead

Squid game

Ms. Marvel

Wandavision

Hawkeye

Peacemaker

Infinity train

Burn notice

6teen

Abbott elementary

Modern family

Pose

Freakazoid

The Simpsons

Old nick/cartoon network/Disney cartoons

[Can I say teen wolf even though I only watched 1 episode but I know the lore from fan-fiction/tumblr/clips from YouTube from my preteen years]

I obviously watch more things but like I said off the top of my head

Anime (yes this is a separate section from movies/shows)

*Black butler

Naruto/Bleach/haikyuu/sailor moon/one piece/Inuyasha (I'm on the 1st seasons & won't finish anytime soon but I do enjoy them

Assassination classroom

Tokyo ghoul

Demon slayer

The apothecary diaries

Kamisama kiss

Noragami

My hero academia

Soul eater

Fire force

Angelbeats

Dorohedoro

Spy x family

Attack on titan (I remember when the 1st season came out & watching it in the 7th grade I believe & got bored waiting for the next season. I did like it though & it was my first anime I watched & will probably catch up at some point)

Jujutsu kaisen

The ancient magus bride

Yona of the dawn

Maid sama

Durarara!!

Durarara!!x2

Angels of death

Death note

Trigun

Trigun stampede

Devil may cry

Tokyo ghoul re

Tokyo revengers

The God of high school

Helsing

Akudama drive

Helsing ultimate

Seraph of the end

Toilet bound hanako-kun

Nanbaka

Gangsta

The boondocks

Life lessons with uramichi oniisan

That time I got reincarnated as a slime

Fruits basket

Chainsaw man

Bed & breakfast for spirits

Kill la kill

Black lagoon

The promised neverland

Madoka magica (1st anime I watched by myself not what I expected by a long shot,but still enjoyed)

Little witch academia

Kakegurui

Kakegurui twin

Ouran high school host club

Komi can't communicate

Bungou stray dogs

BOOK

* maze runner

Hunger games

Anything by edgar allan poe

Hooky

I just recently got back into reading recently & I have a fuckton of books to start reading.

I flit from fandom to fandom,even returning to old ones. Anything that catches my interest & becomes my new hyperfixation. I usually juggle between a few at a time. Usually games/movies/anime. Also obviously I read fanfic on tumblr (duh).

Final notes: I like history/mythology/polytheism/writing/media/cooking/baking/winter/nature/animals & I'm a dog mom. His name is anubis & he's a dalmatian.

That's about all I can think of as of now

PS for the love of fuck dni MINORS/RACISTS/ANTI-LGBTQ+/INCELS/MISOGYNISTS/RADFEMS & JUST ANYONE WHO'S HATEFUL/IGNORANT.

I have to deal with enough nonsense,bullshit,& all around dumb shit irl keep it off my blog & away from me please & thank you.

Goodbye I love you *smooches* ♡