#also fun fact for anyone interested but this book is actually what started the whole hero with a secret identity | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

steddieas-shegoes · 9 months

Note

Request: Steve being a hidden nerd in certain ways (ei: sports, camping, outdoor stuff like camping & vegetation/botony, bugs, animals & shit) the kids losing their collective mind as Steve tells them about it. Maybe on a camping trip or something???? I especially want Hop to be impressed.

This is maybe my first request that didn't have some kind of romantic relationship Steddie. They do have a little flirty moment, but beyond that, I liked the idea of just everyone loving Steve and being so intrigued by his knowledge of all of this random nature stuff. Also, no research was done here. Like, zero. I don't know what is true and what isn't so assume none of it is. This is fiction based on fiction and we're here for a good time. I've never been to Yosemite, but it is on the list for me and Liam to go! - Mickala ❤️

----------------------------------------------------

No one expected Steve to actually want to go camping. Sure, he wanted an RV, wanted to go to National Parks and see mountains and lakes and rivers, but they assumed he’d just want to stay in the RV.

They hadn’t expected him to bring tents.

They hadn’t expected him to suggest sleeping in the tents.

“But…we have an RV,” Mike said, suddenly no longer interested in their trip to Yosemite.

“To travel in. But we won’t all comfortably sleep in it. It’s made for five people at most.”

And that was that. The only people sleeping in the RV were Hopper and Joyce and Max and El, and everyone else was sleeping in tents.

The entire drive there was filled with arguments over music, arguing over who got to sit where, and Steve’s “fun facts” about the land they would be staying on.

He had apparently done quite a bit of research, or he had been hiding a whole wealth of knowledge from everyone.

His fun facts were actually interesting, and everyone quickly tuned in when he started telling them about how the mountains could be dated because of the type and color of the rocks, and how much of the sequoias had been destroyed over the last couple of decades and what they were doing to preserve what was left.

When they arrived, everyone stared in wonder at the meadow in front of them, the mountains as the backdrop to a beautiful sunset.

It would still be light for close to two hours, so they didn’t rush to set up the tents. They went on a short walk along the road they took to the campsite, Steve pointing out different types of plants and birds as they went.

Everyone was in awe of his information, but no one was as surprised as Hopper.

“Where did you learn all this?” he asked on the way back to the campsite as the kids raced each other ahead.

“I went to camp once when I was seven and then I was obsessed with nature. My parents wouldn’t let me go back to camp, but they let me get books and movies about plants and animals. In high school, I took geology and almost had a perfect grade. I just like this stuff,” Steve shrugged.

“So you only went to camp once? Is this your way of going to camp?” Hopper asked casually.

He didn’t usually ask questions that didn’t tell him something he absolutely needed to know.

“I guess. And to spend time with everyone. I like when we can all be together without hell surrounding us, ya know?” Steve admitted.

Hopper’s hand rested on his shoulder and squeezed in silent agreement.

Putting the tents up had been relatively easy, especially when Steve managed to show them a trick he taught himself when he was young and wanted to set up a tent in his backyard but never had anyone there to help him.

No one commented on how sad it was, but Steve realized it after he said it.

As everyone got their sleeping bags and lamps set up in their tents, Steve found a large rock along the edge of the creek in the meadow and sat on it, watching as the sun finally sank behind the mountains.

“Hey,” a voice startled Steve.

He relaxed when he turned to see that it was Eddie.

“Hey.”

“Mind if I sit with you for a minute? Kids are being a bit too much right now.”

“Go ahead,” Steve gestured to the spot next to him. “Not exactly a comfy seat, but the view can’t be beat.”

“Oh, so you’re rhyming now?” Eddie teased as he nudged Steve’s shoulder.

“Not on purpose,” Steve laughed. “It’s pretty great out here, though.”

“Yeah it is. You did good, Stevie.”

Steve looked over to see Eddie already smiling fondly at him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And, for what it’s worth, I think it’s pretty fucking cool that you love nature so much. Nature isn’t really a good friend of mine, but it’s pretty nice to hear about it from you.”

“I’ll make an explorer out of you yet, Eds.”

Eddie looked at him with a look he hadn’t seen on anyone before, at least not towards him.

“Maybe you will, Stevie.”

Eddie only sat there for another minute before excusing himself to check that none of the kids touched his brand new acoustic guitar.

Steve sat there until it was completely dark around him, watching the land in front of him shift ever so slightly as the breeze picked up and the cicadas started their nightly song.

Robin sat down next to him, rested her head against his shoulder and sat with him in silence for a few minutes.

“It’s good to be out here. I don’t think Max ever expected to see mountains like this. She keeps asking when she can climb them,” Robin whispered.

“She does remember her legs aren’t at 100% yet still, right?” Steve asked.

“I think she’s willing to give it a go anyway. What’s the point of being here and surviving everything if you can’t even try?”

Steve nodded.

“Wanna come tell us more about the trail we’re taking tomorrow?”

“You guys wanna hear about it now?”

“Yeah. We like that you’re passionate about it.”

Steve felt his cheeks heat up at the words.

“Okay then. If you guys don’t mind. There’s supposed to be a specific type of rabbit who burrows along this specific trail during the summer and they can grow to be nearly two feet long.”

“That sounds terrifying. Come tell everyone about it,” Robin said as she got up and offered him a hand.

He took it and made his way back to the group.

Everyone listened to him talk about their plan for tomorrow, not interrupting when he got sidetracking talking about the type of trees they would see and what kind of flowers tended to bloom during this particular time of year.

When Steve and Eddie slipped into their tent an hour or so later, they could have stayed in their respective sleeping bags.

But Steve was still too eager to talk about things, so Eddie sidled up next to him in his sleeping bag and held his hand while he talked for another hour about the waterfall they’d be seeing and the type of fish that would most likely be in the river.

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #request #ficlet #secret nerd steve harrington #the party #jim hopper

493 notes · View notes

luffyvace · 4 months

Note

Hello, could I request Feitan with a reader who looks innocent and angelic usually but is actually just as sick and sadistic as he is? (Aka it's like a secondary persona kind of)

And she's also part of an organization(that kills people) without him knowing (she was part of it even before meeting him)

Ouuuu an interesting reader we have here~

Seeing as though all the feitan gifs are generic fighting ones I’ve put my own picture :) I think it’s hilarious 😂

enjoy your headcanons lovely anon! 💗

(fem! reader implied bc you used ‘she’ in your request but I won’t imply female body just in case)

Feitan getting with an angelic and innocent s/o is certainly an oxymoron

Your such a sweetheart, so thoughtful and kind

you always try to help and encourage others as much as you can

But in reality no?? really your such a sick and twisted sadist who loves watching every moment of others suffering???

welp that went down the drain quickly

feitan might have picked up on the fact that it was all an act or your slightly sadistic tendencies

especially since he’s highly observant

Though I’m not sure how you revealed your in a organization or if you knew he was in the troupe but it probably went like

”your in a criminal organization? Oh…me too” 🧍‍♀️

“Wait what?” 🧍‍♀️

“so we’re both in criminal organizations of the sort?”

🧍‍♀️ 🧍‍♀️

well I guess its all out in the open now

as soon as he figures out your a sadist tho

its on

torture sessions become even more frequent seeing as though he now has someone to enjoy it with

he finds it rather fun to have someone laugh manically with him and not call him a loony 🤓

he’s grateful even

the victims really range from anyone off the street

to enemies from either of your organizations

maybe even someone who gave you a hard time

(they simply bumped into you, you apologized like the “sweet” person you are, but they had no idea what was coming for em that night)

(for fei, they probably mocked him)

you and feitan either have a dedicated torture room or have turned you basement/attic into one

and it definitely has a lock on it

feitan will recommend you some books and you likely do the same for him

(by some i mean you have a whole library shelf—who are you fooling 🤨)

you two make as much time for each other as you can

which yes torturing together counts as quality time

and y’all see it as a sense of normalcy too

wherever y’all stay you just be like

”hey wanna have a quick torture session then find something to eat for dinner?”

like it’s like going about normal daily activities for you two

it also feels good to have someone that gets you from the outside

like your both dangerous criminals,

that likely grew up in harsh conditions

(bc i mean come on mass murders have triggers/motivs they don’t just do things for no reason)

and now you have someone from outside your organization that gets you!

like, they even like torturing just like you!!

best s/o feitan could wish for

as time goes on you two would find out why you joined the organizations you did and if you genuinely enjoy it, just doing it for the money, etc

no matter the reasons or time, you accept each other :)

this also appeals more trustworthy to feitan!! Since your in one yourself, you can’t sell out feitan without selling out yourself!

😋

but…that could go downhill..

for example, your organization could be trying to target feitan/the troupe and is making you use him to get to them

As time goes on he shakes away the thought, it’s probably been years (when feitan’s down, he’s down for the count, he doesn’t do flings, in my hcs) since you’ve been together so he wants to trust you

basically the further things go in with you two, the more he trusts you

of course you have to make sure to give him reasons to trust you and don’t give him any reason not to

he’ll start getting suspicious of you even on the first slip up

(if it happens)

he has to protect the spider, there’s no way he can let it fall because of him

orrrr!!!

your organizations could meet! And form a alliance that may or may not be temporary/strictly business!!

it would be fun seeing all members together drinking and wrecking havoc!!

right?!

😊

LOL just imagine your all casually talking about such violent and socially unacceptable crimes 🤪

especially you and feitan

you guys are so silly

just a silly little group of friends :)

planning to commits fiendish acts together<3

honestly I like the last scenario the best

its so silly :P

I’m glad to see more feitan stans on my page!! thank you for requesting, hopefully you enjoyed!

💖

100 notes · View notes

nostalgebraist · 2 months

Text

Here are some fun / amusing / potentially-interesting facts about the process of writing and plotting Almost Nowhere, if anyone's curious.

Major spoilers for the whole of Almost Nowhere under the cut.

(There's really no way to spoiler-censor this material without rendering it incomprehensible. If you haven't read the book, do that first before reading this post.)

(1)

A large fraction of the book's eventual plot emerged from my attempts to patch a single, in-some-sense trivial continuity error I made while writing the very first chapter.

The Mooncrash section of that chapter ends with this sentence (emphasis added):

All parties were used to stillness, now, for the Mooncrash was nearly four years old.

And a few paragraphs later, in the opening of the Academy section, we get this (emphasis added again):

For (as everyone knows) the Shroud is upon us and while it tolerates the Academy — as it presently is, as it has been for the last eight years, a chrysalis, preparing itself step by minuscule step [...]

So: The Mooncrash is 4 years old. The Academy crash is at least 8 years old, and indeed older.

Yet the Mooncrash is also as old as the crash system itself! It was made by humans, during the period between the discovery of the anomalings and the mass-crashing of the human race. (This is only shown in the second chapter, but I had it in mind before then.)

How long has the human race been crashed, then? At most 4 years, and at least 8 years? How could that possibly be?

It would have been easy enough to just edit the chapter, but that's not how I do things. Restrictions, famously, breed creativity. I enjoy attempting to solve puzzles I have inadvertently created for myself, and many of my best ideas have been produced through this process.

It would also have been simple and easy to merely say: "OK, I guess time elapses at different subjective rates, in different crashes."

Amusingly, I ended up doing that anyway! But for some reason, this avenue didn't occur to me at first. By the time I started asking myself whether to include this kind of effect, I already had a different solution in mind.

I spent a lot of time beating my head against the figurative wall, trying to resolve the 4-vs-8-year issue. The early parts of my AN notes are full of this stuff.

----

At some early point, I came up with the idea that the anomalings/shades would deal with troublesome crashes by "rebasing" them, rewriting their histories.

I didn't intend, initially, for this idea to take over the plot as much as it eventually did. It was just a fun idea that underscored the huge power differential between the anomalings and their captives, and felt in line with the Cartesian/Wachowskian themes of transcending a "fake"/illusory world, radically doubting one's own perceptions and memories, etc.

But, having stipulated that "rebases" were a thing, I hit upon the idea that they could be used to modify the total quantity of past (subjective) time inside a crash -- turning 8 years into 4, or vice versa, or whatever.

So, I could fix the problem by stipulating that one -- or both -- of the problematic crashes had already been rebased, in this way.

But why? And by whom?

----

Now, at this early stage, I also had the idea in mind that the character "Anne" would eventually escape from her crash, and that she would have a hand in various major events in the story -- including some events that had already occurred, relative to the "present" of the textual PoV.

But I didn't know, yet, what these interventions actually were.

(I put "Anne" in quotes, here, because in the very early stages I casually assumed that only the PoV Anne introduced in Chapter 1 would be a major character, and that her sisters were merely background material for her personal narrative, like the tower itself. Of course, in the process of thinking through the details of things, I realized that this assumption was needless and indeed counterproductive.)

As often happens when I'm plotting a story, I found that two unknowns slotted neatly into one another, each one providing a potential solution to the problem posed by the other.

We need something for "Anne" to do in the past. Something consequential, something that shows off her newfound agency -- but also something that obscures her role from view. Ideally, something kind of weird, esoteric, "advanced"; something that feels buried inside the deep, dark center of the backstory, which the reader will only "excavate" at the end of a long, strange journey.

And we need someone to rebase the Mooncrash.

That answers the "who?" question. But again -- why?

Well, it was already in the plan that Azad would join forces with Michael, when Michael went in search of his lost Anne. That Anne would meet Azad, as a result, and that it would be Azad who persuades her to return to Michael's crash.

I didn't, at the time, have much else planned for the Anne-Azad connection.

As originally conceived, the "Azad convinces Anne to return" scene was about Azad's uncertain loyalties, and about Anne's lack of exposure to other human beings (and to the power of words, as deployed by human beings with access to real human culture). That is, it merely served specific, separate purposes in the sub-stories of these two characters. There was no intent to set up, or develop, a thread connecting these sub-stories, making Azad a major character in Anne's arc and vice versa.

But that seems like kind of a shame, doesn't it? Why go to the trouble of preparing these characters, and bringing them into contact, if I didn't have anything for them to do together?

Anne and Azad.

We need someone to rebase the Mooncrash.

We need Anne to learn about real human culture, somehow, before she leaves. I knew that, already, though I didn't have a mechanism in mind.

(I also knew, by this point, that causing Azad's appointment as translator was another one of "Anne's" consequential moves. I had conceived of this, at first, as a relatively impersonal act, done only for its historical significance. Indeed, that would have been enough -- but the more the merrier, theme/motivation-wise.)

Problems paired up, interlocked, and became each others' solutions.

(1b)

As is obvious from the above, I didn't have the scenario planned out in very much detail when I wrote the first chapter.

At the time, the story had been gestating in my head for a while, but only as a bunch of vague inklings and intentions.

The proximate cause of writing-the-first-chapter was a sudden and unexpected burst of inspiration. I was riding the bus to a social event, and suddenly my mind was awash with crisp, never-before-glimpsed details about Anne and her tower, the Mooncrash, the Academy, Cordelia's blue dress -- all the stuff of Chapter 1. It felt like a crucial message was being beamed into my brain, VALIS-style, from the Muse / Higher Power.

I had an urge to bail on the social event, turn around, ride back home, and start writing immediately -- what if the magic went away, as suddenly as it had arrived? I resisted that urge and made a perfunctory appearance at the event, but then went back home and wrote as much as I could before falling asleep.

So, when I was writing that chapter, stuff like "four years" and "eight years" wasn't based on any single coherent picture, just vibes and vague inklings.

(I think 4 years probably sounded like the right amount of time for G&A to have been in the Mooncrash, character-wise. Meanwhile, Hector's ascension from the Academy had to be long enough ago that there would be no direct overlap between Hector and any of the current students. The "Bad Old Days" had to feel like something you'd only hear about in rumors, or from authority figures who probably weren't telling the full story.)

(2)

Like TNC before it, Almost Nowhere was originally conceived as relatively simple and straightforward story, only to become something much weirder and more complicated as I fleshed out the details.

As I said above, I only had a very vague "plan" at the outset of the writing process. But I kinda knew where I was going with it, in very broad strokes.

The original arc, insofar as it existed at all, was something like:

The bilateral / anomaling tension is introduced.

The bilateral PoV characters come to an understanding of their situation.

Many of the bilateral PoV characters join up with Hector Stein, who is already trying to defeat the anomalings and free humanity from the crashes.

Azad temporarily sides with the anomalings, and Anne temporarily returns to her captive state. But both them "come around" eventually.

Anne eventually triumphs over Michael, delivers a dramatic monologue castigating him for imprisoning her (etc.), and mounts a successful escape.

Shortly after Anne's escape, some (TBD!) resolution to the main conflict is achieved. Whatever it is, it is proposed/spearheaded by the bilateral faction (and specifically Anne herself), and it somehow exemplifies "the bilateral way of thinking/being."

The humbled anomalings conclude that "the bilateral way of thinking/being" has its advantages, both practically and morally.

So the story, as originally conceived, was much more straightforwardly about the "good" PoV humans fighting back against aliens.

It unabashedly took the bilateral side in the conflict, and it ended with a "beauty of our weapons" sort of moment in which the bilaterals are both victorious and righteous, and in which these two kinds of success are closely linked and almost merged.

I have to imagine that, even in counterfactual worlds where some things went differently, I never would have stuck to this version of the story all the way through.

Because, one way or the other, I would have eventually realized that.. like... this version of the story kind of sucks, right?

I mean, why go to the trouble of introducing these aliens, and trying to make them interesting, only to say "nah, actually these guys were just wrong, it's us and our existing 'ordinary' pre-conceptions that are right, and that's what the story was about all along"?

It would have been "inventing a guy to be mad at," as the saying goes.

Not a great foundation for a story. And the least interesting possible direction to go in, given this kind of setup.

It also presents a seemingly unresolvable tension, for the writer, about how to portray the distinctively "bilateral" nature of the bilateral side in the conflict.

If "bilateral" is as broad a category as the anomalings say it is -- if you and I and all of us, whatever other qualities we possess, participate equally in this sin -- then it's hard to strike a note of emotional triumph around the quality of "bilaterality" that doesn't feel wrong, vacuous, or bloodlessly abstract.

"Woo, yeah, humans are great!" I mean, are they? All of them? You don't get to say "well, only the good ones," here, or "in their ideals if not always their acts," or anything like that. Everyone is included in the relevant category, except for the guys-who-aren't that were invented for this specific story.

It's difficult to make this land properly, in the same way it would be difficult to write a story that inspires "carbon-based life pride" or "having-DNA pride" or the like in its reader.

So this version of the story was dead on arrival. And indeed, by the time I was thinking through the stuff chronicled in (1) above, this version of the story felt like a provisional placeholder, at best, in my mind.

Nonetheless, there are various echoes of it in the story I eventually landed on.

For example, in the original version of "Anne's" escape -- conceived in a much more straightforwardly positive way -- I had Anne reading "real" books in secret, drawing moral strength from them, and then including a bunch of literary quotes in her big dramatic monologue to Michael. (I took inspiration, here, from John the Savage reading Shakespeare in Brave New World.)

And I had the idea that "Anne," being an autodidact, would read omnivorously without making culture-bound distinctions familiar to you and me; that her selection of quotes, in the monologue, would put low culture alongside high culture, infamous books alongside famous ones, etc.; and as a particular case, that it'd be fun if -- before going on to quote Shakespeare and co. -- she began the whole thing by quoting Ayn Rand.

And that one idea stuck, even if the rest of it didn't.

(Or, consider how the idea of "a powerful move in the conflict that exemplifies the bilateral way of thinking/being" actually crops up multiple times in the finished story, right up to its last scenes. One can see traces of it in the "trick" that obsesses Michael, in the use of autobiographical writing to build up nostalgium, and in Annabel's improved crash design.)

(3)

I came up with the Mirzakhani Mechanism relatively late, in between writing Chapter 13 and writing Chapters 14-15 (in which the MM is introduced).

The MM was a product of looking back at the sci-fi elements that already existed in the story, like crashes and rebases, and trying to invent some single underlying explanation that covered all of them in a relatively parsimonious way.

This basically "worked," I think -- it certainly worked better than I had been expecting, after playing the dangerous game of "write a bunch of weird stuff and hope you'll be able to explain it all later." (I remember talking to one reader who was shocked that I hadn't had the MM in mind from the very beginning, which was flattering.)

It also had unintended consequences that kinda took over the story, but largely in a good way.

Earlier, I had planned to have the post-rebase crash timelines "screened off" from the outside world somehow, so that rebasing a crash wouldn't mess up the timeline of the outside world. But, once I'd fixed the idea that "rebasing is an MM event" in place, I realized that this wasn't consistent with the way MM events were meant to work. Instead, the exposition in Ch. 15 directly implies the stuff about rebases that Grant realizes much later in Ch. 41.

Once I'd noticed this, it was obvious that it was extremely important, and I re-incorporated it into the broader plot.

On a related note, I eventually decided that the account of the anomalings "going backward in time to our era" in Ch. 15 didn't really make sense. This meant I needed a different, more viable way anomalings and bilaterals to exist at the same point in time.

This line of thought, along with several others (like "what happened to all the nonhuman organisms?" and "which parts of the MM multiverse are real?"), eventually led me to invent Everywhere-Heaven and the beasts.

That happened right at the start of 2022, between Chapters 21 and 22.

It quickly became clear that the E-H/beasts stuff could be put to a lot of valuable use in story's third act, which was largely a worrying blank space in my head (even at this point!). From thereon out, I worked on fleshing out the third act behind the scenes while writing the second.

Not coincidentally, Chapter 22 contains a ton of E-H-related foreshadowing, and also some hints that human scientists (like Aidan in Ch. 15) had never fully understood the anomalings.

The use of Maryam Mirzakhani, a real (and recently deceased) mathematician, was a weird choice and arguably one in poor taste. All I can really say in defense of it is that it came to me suddenly, and had a number of properties that fit the vibe of the part of the story in which it appeared, and I have a policy of "going with my gut" when it suggests such things to me.

I felt similarly about this choice and another thing introduced in Ch. 15, the nuclear attack intended to kill scientists. Both of these things underscored the fact that the story took place in an alternate reality. And both felt sort of "edgy," "too dark," "too close to the real world" compared to the tone of the story so far. But I wanted to take the story to new places in the coming acts -- "darker," "more real" places -- and something felt right about introducing these elements at this exact point, as signposts providing an indication of where things were headed.

(4)

The phrase "NOWHERE TO HIDE" was originally "NO MERCY," in my notes.

And the abbreviation "NM" for "NO MERCY" was used throughout my notes for Nowhere-To-Hide related stuff, e.g. "NM Annes."

This wasn't the product of much thought, just the first thing that came to mind that had roughly the correct vibe. I almost immediately concluded that I'd have to replace "NO MERCY" with something else in the work itself, since it would seem like an Undertale reference that I didn't intend to make.

"Moon" was originally just a placeholder name -- a shorthand for "the 'NM Anne' who rebased the Mooncrash." But I liked the idea of actually using it, once it had occurred to me.

The corresponding placeholder name for A11 was "Ling," as in "linguist" (but also an actual name).

(5)

I went through 3 different outlines of the third act.

Really, there was a first outline, which was really bad, and then there were two slightly-different versions of a very different outline that mostly corresponds to the finished draft.

The first, bad outline was amusingly titled "notes-satisfying-ending.txt", because I explicitly used this post about "satisfying endings" as a guideline while writing it.

(To be clear, I don't think the linked post was to blame for the badness of that first outline. I didn't ultimately find the post very helpful as writing advice, but the "satisfying ending" outline wasn't even a "satisfying ending" in the post's own terms, and was also bad in unrelated ways.)

I don't want to go into much detail about the bad outline. It was really bad, and also really different from what eventually occurred. It's honestly a pretty embarrassing document.

A lot of the key ideas were there (E-H, etc.), and the very end of the story was roughly the same. But it had a ton of needless flaws that I later corrected. Various existing character arcs and motivations were dropped and never picked up, or suddenly diverted in some new and unfruitful direction; way too much time was spent on getting characters and objects from point A to point B, or otherwise sort of rambling about in a way that didn't matter in the end; it included a lot of whimsical "fun ideas" that weren't necessary and would have added clutter to an already very full canvas; etc.

I never got to the point of building a chapter-by-chapter version of this outline, but I'm sure it would have much longer than the existing third act, also.

The existing third act is pretty long, but it was actually the result of an aggressive pruning and tightening process.

If the "satisfying-ending" outline had a single greatest flaw, it was terrible pacing. Lots of slack, lots of empty space, and when big things did happen, they came out of nowhere, not really prompted by what came immediately before them.

The next draft of the ending resulted from taking the raw materials of "satisfying-ending," purging all the dross, re-thinking all the obviously flawed stuff, and then trying to rearrange the pieces in front of me in a way that was maximally "tight" and interconnected, with questions and tensions introduced and then resolved in a rapid-fire manner, and without any major thread "sitting around in the background" long enough to feel stale, or get forgotten.

That outline was in a file called "notes-good-end.txt."

Much later, I tightened up the plan even further, merging some things that were originally in separate chapters. This was in a file called "notes-true-end.txt", and -- true to its name -- was the version reflected in the book itself.

So there was "satisfying-ending," which sucked; "good-end," which was good; and "true-end," which was slightly better.

(I realize the multiplicity of the ending, and the account of deliberate "tightening" etc., is in apparent tension with my recent account of working by direct inspiration.

There are a few things I can say about this tension.

For one, it really is true that the third act of AN was more deliberately reasoned-out, and less directly-inspired, than some of the earlier stuff. This is kind of inevitable: you don't get to do anything after an ending, that's what an ending is, and so you have to deliberately try to make the final act of a story fully work as a thing unto itself, rather than writing checks in the hope of cashing them at some later point.

And separately, I do think the final version of the ending feels "more real," "more true to the work" than the satisfying-ending draft.

I think I was aware, even while composing "satisfying-ending," that it felt off and wrong in some ways. But it was only after going through the exercise of creating a complete ending -- some sort of complete ending -- that I was able to look back and say "OK, this fits, but this doesn't fit," and distill something that actually felt right.)

#almost nowhere

59 notes · View notes

spacecravat · 9 months

Note

Hey I love your takes on the new season and I wanted to ask what the differences are in Aziraphale and Crowley personalities or relationship overall in the book, radio, and TV show? Which one do you prefer the best? Do you like way the characters where adapted into the TV show?

I think the main difference is that the book versions feel a lot more settled than the TV show versions. Like don't get me wrong, they still have their issues, but TV show Aziraphale and Crowley are at any point in the midst of messy relationship drama that the book versions just do not have.

Book Aziraphale is more of a bitch and seems to believe a lot less in Heaven's goodness and all that. Book Crowley is an optimist and a nerd who spends a lot less time trying to escape because fundamentally he loves Earth and humans and cares what happens to them. Meanwhile the TV show gave them both anxiety.

They also both have a lot more hangups about their own personal goodness and evilness in the show. In the book they seem to have arrived at more of a contented middle ground before the story starts. In the book they're just some guys doing their jobs for distant governments that are both kind of shit, with "good" and "bad" labels being less relevant than protecting the world they love.

I think one exchange that's particularly representative of the difference is this one at the ex-convent after Crowley changes the paint guns to real guns (that still won't hurt anyone). The book:

“Oh, all right,” said Crowley wretchedly. “No one’s actually going to get killed. They’re all going to have miraculous escapes. It wouldn’t be any fun otherwise.” Aziraphale relaxed. “You know, Crowley,” he said, beaming, “I’ve always said that, deep down inside, you’re really quite a—” “All right, all right,” Crowley snapped. “Tell the whole blessed world, why don’t you?”

vs TV:

I'd say book and radio versions are fairly similar, as the radio drama was trying to be a much more faithful adaptation, and any differences are more down to what got cut for time.

I think a lot of the changes can be put down to what's more interesting to watch on screen vs read on a page: Crowley and Aziraphale coming to personal conclusions while going on for paragraphs of internal monologue is a bit less exciting to show in live action than dramatic arguments.

And personally I like all the versions! There are some things I like better in one version or the other (like the TV show eliminating a lot of the book's racism, or Crowley reviving the dove in the book, and I love the historical scenes the show added). And other things might be different but I like both.

I view them as similar but not identical stories, which can be enjoyed in parallel, all with building blocks that I like, just put together in slightly different shapes. They don't have to be the exact same characters for me to have a good time. In fact might be better for the differences. If I want the book, I can always reread the book, so it's fun to have things that are new and different in each adaptation.

#okay i'm going to stop before this post gets longer #i had like 5 different book quotes and it was getting wildly out of control #holding them up: i just think they're neat #good omens #asks #anonymous

183 notes · View notes

mdzs-fanon-exposed · 4 months

Text

Introductory post: Please read! :)

hi everyone! welcome to my very own MDZS-specific iteration of the unparalleled @svsss-fanon-exposed and @tgcf-fanon-exposed. this blog is designed to find the differences between canon and fanon in the Mo Dao Zu Shi/Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation fandom.

this blog is NOVEL CANON ONLY. although i may occasionally cite the drama or the donghua as the potential source for any misconceptions, the canons of these adaptations differ too much from the novel canon for my purposes (plus i haven't finished either one. whoops).

how this whole thing works:

send me an ask! is this thing you thought was canon actually fanon? is that fanon idea supported in the books? where? why? how?

i'll answer the ask with a rating, using SVFE's helpful rating system (explained below), and then go into detail. generally a post will include textual evidence supporting my rating, and possibly an analysis of what this means/where an idea came from.

i'll do my best not to introduce my own personal opinions or biases into the posts. if you have any textual evidence that you think disproves or otherwise contradicts one of my posts, i'm always happy to be corrected! HOWEVER. please do not argue with me or anyone else unnecessarily; this blog is not supposed to be a site for or source of discourse. i will block anyone who is repeatedly coming at me with bad faith. i'm doing this project for fun, and i want to keep it that way for everyone :)

posts will probably be sporadic so i don't burn myself out and lose interest. however, i want to try and answer as many questions as i can! submissions will open and close based on demand so i can stay on top of things.

some important things to keep in mind:

i'm not here to dunk on anyone's headcanons, and i am fully supportive of everyone's creative choices in the fandom!! (in fact i have many headcanons myself.) DO NOT harass anyone for their interpretations of the series. my purpose here is just to clarify whether certain ideas are textually supported, NOT to give an opinion on them.

i'm doing this blog for fun, so i'll be treating it as a casual project. i will only be using the official english translation of the novels, with the supplementary exception of the exiled rebels fanlation. i don't speak any chinese, so i will not be using the untranslated raws or any non-english fandom sources in my posts. although i'll be doing research as needed, i also will not be evaluating any headcanons purely based on chinese cultural norms, due to my unfamiliarity with them. if you are more familiar with any of these sources and have more information to add to a post, please let me know!

BECAUSE this is a casual project from someone whose only credentials are being completely obsessed with mo dao zu shi and knowing how to write an essay, anyone is welcome to make a blog that does this but. better. let me know if you start one and i'll point people your way lol.

finally: i will NOT be entertaining any character bashing in or on my blog. i've noticed that a lot of mdzs characters have some very... strong opinions about them across the fandom, and i may evaluate the "canon status" of asks that address specific aspects of these opinions, but as a general rule: i am going to be neutral-to-positive about EVERY mdzs character (yes, even that one. and that one. and-). and again, this is not a personal opinion-based blog, i'm looking at textual support, so honestly i don't think this disclaimer is necessary. but. just in case.

💥💥the rating system:💥💥

CANON: what it says on the tin! this fact is supported by the text. if you're trying to be as canon-compliant as possible, this rating is for you.

RUMOR: this fact is an in-text rumor. although this idea is mentioned in the novel, it's still not explicitly confirmed as canon. the characters themselves don't know if it's true or not!

FANON – SUPPORTED: not directly stated in canon, but it's a very likely interpretation, taking into account factors like cultural norms and occam's razor! this rating might be retroactively added to a post previously rated FANON – NEUTRAL, based on crowdsourced information about the raws or chinese culture.

FANON – NEUTRAL: it's not canon, but it's not NOT canon. the text neither confirms nor denies this interpretation, so it's up to you whether you want to consider it true to canon or not. the world is your oyster.

FANON – UNSUPPORTED: not directly stated in canon, but it's a very unlikely interpretation, taking into account factors like cultural norms and occam's razor. this rating might be retroactively added to a post previously rated FANON – NEUTRAL, based on crowdsourced information about the raws or chinese culture.

FANON – CONFLICTING: this idea directly contradicts something stated in the text. if you want to stay as canon-compliant as possible, this rating is not for you.

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #mdzs meta #here goes nothing i suppose #i want you all to picture the 💥 emoji as if 'the rating system' was a youtube title screen with a bunch of explosions and air horns btw

54 notes · View notes

starstruckserenity · 9 months

Note

you're so sweet😭 so what i was thinking was a scenario where kokichi is being his usual self but he goes too far and s/o is just finally done with it. how would he react to reader leaving him for good?

ooooh~ how angsty!! now, i have never written angst without any comfort. but it does seem like such an interesting concept, so i gave it my best shot!! just a heads up, kokichi does get a little mean in this, so just a fair warning for those who might need it! thank you SO much for requesting!! i hope you have a great day!! 💞 *internal fanboying*

The day should have started out as any normal day would. You would have woken up, spruced yourself up a bit until you felt you looked --- at the very least --- decent, and waited by the door for Kokichi to bust his way through it. It was a routine, at this point, so you paid no mind to his intrusions.

But today, he hadn't even graced you with the chance to get dressed properly. It was about 5 or so in the morning, and you hadn't slept a wink due to your... situation. How could anyone be able to sleep through a literal killing game, for fucks sake? You groaned and struggled to get out of bed. Your feet dragged behind you as you wobbled your way to the bathroom sink, clutching it with both hands to support yourself.

"Hey, heyyyyy! Hellooooo!?" He yelled out as he made his way through your dorm and into the bathroom, where you had been brushing your teeth. You spat out the remnants of your toothpaste and swiveled your body around to face him. He watched as you did so, taking note of how wild your hair looked from the tossing and turning you did all night.

"Jeez, you look like shit! What, did you not get enough beauty sleep? It sure as hell looks like it." He cackled out loud, putting a finger to his lips in amusement as he watched you frown. "You look horrible. It's hilarious."

Oh. So it was one of those days.

One of the days where Kokichi would torment you for his entertainment, ratting you out for his own enjoyment. And, as of recent, these days would come along more often than not. Because of this, you couldn't lie and say that you didn't dread waking up and seeing his perfect-ly punchable face, while also collectively being bombarded with insults left and right.

It could be your the way your hair looked, the way you dressed, the way you spoke, the way you walked... Kokichi would poke fun at you for it. It seemed like Kokichi thought you were disgusting, and he was never afraid to point out that fact.

And as you walked out of your dorm room with him, he babbled on and on about nonsense. You were simply too tired to entertain his words or even listen to him. All you had in mind was making it to the dining hall so you could meet up with the others.

"Hey, asshole, are you even listening to me? I was, like, saying something suuuper important just now!" He forcefully snapped you out of your trance, waving a hand in front of your eyes. "You never listen... You're so fuckin' stupid..." You could hear him mutter under his breath as he crossed his arms and stuck out his bottom lip in a pout.

"Weeeeell, as I was saaayinggg!" He uncrossed his arms and put them behind his head as he walked. This was your cue to space out again as you pushed the dining hall doors open. Your glazed eyes trailed over the tables and people, and you spotted Shuichi reading a book, hunched over in his seat. You felt your heart skip a beat, as you actually had the possibility of having a genuine conversation. Shuichi had been someone you could trust, someone you could lean on ever since this whole... thing... had occurred. He was a friend to you. He was gentle, polite, kind-hearted...

...The exact opposite of Kokichi. And as he went away to feed himself, you jumped at the opportunity to speak to Shuichi.

As you walked over to him, he smiled curtly and gave you a little wave. "Hey, Y/n. How are you?" You grinned as he asked. You felt almost giddy that someone finally wanted to know how you were doing. You sat down in the seat closest to him, scooting forward.

"Well... I'm not doing the best right now. But I don't think any of us are..." You laid your hands down on the table.

Shuichi's smile turned a bit sour. "Ah, yeah... that's completely understandable. Do you need to talk, or anything? Um, I know it's not much, but I'm here for you..." He mumbled softly as he touched your back, attempting to reassure you.

The safety you had felt quickly cancelled out as you felt Kokichi storm behind you, quickly turning your chair around to face him with a more-than-unpleasant expression.

"...What the hell do you think you're doing? I thought you were going to follow me." Kokichi narrowed his eyes and grit his teeth as he practically spat out his words. "And why are you talking to him, of all people?" He cocked his head around slowly to glare at a frightened and confused Shuichi, who awkwardly adverted his gaze from the two of you. Kokichi looked almost disheveled as he leaned in front of you.

"Saihara. This bitch is mine." He trailed a finger slowly from your cheek to your neck. Your mind turned hazy. "No one could ever want them, apart from me." He cracked a grin. You felt your heart breaking down. "You're stuck with me. Nobody could ever treat you as well as I do."

...What? What?

You erupted up from your seat and grabbed him by the scarf. Your mind was racing and it felt like you were on fire. Your body was hot. You were so, so fucking pissed and so, SO fucking done.

"You think you're treating me "well"?! You can't be serious. I've never felt so HATED by someone in my life! I don't even know why I EVER thought it would be a good idea to love you. I...I don't know why I even wasted my time, attempting to reason with you! You're hopeless, so goddamn hopeless!" Your grip on him tightened as you shook with rage. Your eyes were blown wide as tears dripped down your cheeks and your knees felt heavy as you pressed yourself against him. It would have been a romantic gesture if you were dealing with someone, anyone else.

"And you know what? I'm done." Your voice broke released him and watched him fall to the cold ground. His expression was absolutely unreadable. You looked at Shuichi one last time, who was frozen in shock, as you stepped away from the scene. Ouma lifted his head and stared ahead as you raced out of the door.

He just let you. He watched you move away from him, he let you break apart. His heart throbbed in his chest as his nails scraped against the floor. He knew in the back of his mind he was hopeless, and he got lost in the rush of faking the words he said to you. He knew this was all his fault. It was, in the only way he could describe it, inevitable.

As Shuichi chased after you, Kokichi stayed down. And he wouldn't get back up on his feet for a long, long time.

#danganronpa x reader #kokichi x reader

57 notes · View notes

cordelia---rose · 10 days

Text

15 questions for 15 friends

i was tagged by the wonderful @johaerys-writes, thank you so much!

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?: nope! my mother found a book of rare names, wrote down a whole bunch, and my father only liked one of them. fun fact, only three people in the entire world have the same first name as me ⭐

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: oh man in terms of like any tears at all…like this morning because my PMDD is hitting me hard at the moment and i saw my dog being cute and it was all too much for me but in terms of a big, proper cry…probably a couple of weeks?

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?: i am actively filled with repulsion and dread at the thought of having children so it’s a good thing i don’t

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?: i used to play hockey, netball, tennis and rounders at school and then whatever they made us do in PE but i’m not a huge sports person, especially not teams ones!

DO YOU USE SARCASM?: too much. i realised in my teens that if i’m deliberately deadpan and sarcastic all the time, people just think it’s funny and don’t look at me weirdly when i’m having an especially autistic day and can’t mask well because it just blends into my usual demeanour. everyone at work thinks i’m very dry and sarcastic when actually it’s mostly just me failing to understand social cues.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?: gosh honestly i really don’t know. although i do pay a lot of attention to people’s smiles, i think you can learn a lot about a person by how they smile. whether it’s forced or natural, if their eyes smile too, if they hold their happiness back or let it come out unrestrained, etc., so i’ll go for smiles!

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR?: boring boring blue

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?: can we not have both? i’ll always have to pick scary movies though because horror is my favourite genre, but i love a final girl ending!

ANY TALENTS?: ooh this is tough because for me a talent is something you’re just naturally good at, but the things that other people would probably say i have a natural talent for are my hobbies which i’ve worked at for a long time so i wouldn’t be able to say if it’s an innate talent or just a skill i’ve honed. i think i’ll probably say playing the double bass (or upright bass in the USA) - i tried it out at a musical open day thing at my school and decided i liked it, and then twelve weeks later i sat a music exam for it and passed with top marks despite it usually taking several years to get to that point!

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?: england. i was doomed from the start.

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?: my main ones would be writing, reading, gaming, obsessively researching and then yapping about my special interests, and baking! i also do some crafty stuff when the mood strikes (i’m not really very good at it, but that’s chill, because it’s just for fun) and i’m not sure if it counts as a hobby but i love going on the trampoline!

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: i have my dog who is simultaneously the reason i get up in the mornings and the reason i don’t want to get up in the mornings, and also a crested gecko who mostly just vibes doing her own thing.

HOW TALL ARE YOU?: 5’7”/1.70m

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?: this changed so drastically over the years! when i was younger it tended towards history, then when i started secondary school i still loved history but classics became my main area of interest, but after i decided i didn’t want to pursue a career in that field i cast about a little bit and realised that while i hated, like, plant biology and chemical reactions, i was really into specific aspects of science and that’s what i’m studying at uni now!

DREAM JOB?: forensic anthropologist, i’m undertaking my master’s in this and i really hope i get to have a career in this one day, it’s my life’s ambition.

Tagging (i barely talk to anyone on here lmao so it's definitely going to be fewer than 15! also there's with no pressure): @stressedanime @royalthorned @a-good-sandwich @toy-soldiering @claudiadiary

#personal #tag game

13 notes · View notes

frostyyyroyalmilktea · 1 year

Text

Nevermore student!Tyler x Thorpe!Reader

This is part 2 of my series. You can find part 1 here. Pt 3 here!

This story is also on ao3

Let me know what you think!

***

Your things arrive in the early afternoon that day and you know yourself well enough to be sure that if you don't deal with unpacking now, you certainly won't do it once the classes start and at some point in the near future your side of the room will turn into pure unmitigated chaos.

Of course to you, it won't be much different from how your room at home usually is at any given moment, but you're sharing space with someone else now and it seems disrespectful to let it get to that state. So you politely decline Bianca’s invitation to go see a movie with her and Yoko and get to work.

Unpacking clothes takes the most time but ultimately everything fits in the closet and there’s even some semblance of order to it. You’re not by any means an organized person so you don't expect it to last, but for now, a win is a win. Next are books and plushies that you put in an open bookcase near your table. Compared to Bianca's side, yours already looks a little spazzy. But you’re not too worried. She doesn't seem like a person who would judge you for that.

It's kind of interesting, actually. Tyler was right when he said she has a certain reputation in Nevermore. But just like with Xavier, when you start to get to know her, you realize she’s very different from the character she's trying to present to the world. Perhaps that's the reason they didn't work out. They were trying to build a relationship between their public personas, while the real people probably felt lonely and not seen.

You retrieve your laptop, a tangle of chargers, your portable speaker, and a few pairs of headphones from the last box, and then, finally, you move to unshackle your baby Yamaha from the layers of bubble wrap. You were initially reluctant to trust movers with it but at the end of the day, it weighed way too much for you to carry, and it was also rather chunky, especially compared to your not-particularly-imposing frame.

After thoroughly examining your synthesizer for any damage, and concluding that there is none to be found, you relax, plug it in, and start playing little bits and pieces of songs you like, as a warm-up

Music is something that never fails to bring you a little peace of mind. You’ve been playing piano since you were four and always liked to learn new songs from the artists you listened to. Sometimes you would learn something you know Xavi or your dad particularly enjoy.

But playing other people’s music, while very fun and enjoyable, is not the end goal. Your dream is to one day write your own music. You already do, as a matter of fact, but you’ve never played it for anyone.

You wonder what kind of music Tyler likes to listen to and as if on their own accord, your hands set the drum rhythm and you find yourself playing the intro to the Ghost Ship of Cannibal Rats. For all that he looks like a love interest in a Taylor Swift music video, you feel like Tyler prefers something alternative, more… gritty. You'll make sure to ask him the next time you see him.

You binge half a season of Brooklyn 9-9 and then head out on a journey to find a laundry room, where you meet a sweet little pumpkin named Eugene. He shows you how to operate the washing machines and makes a great pitch about his extracurricular club, but the only things you really know about bees is that they’re an important part of the ecosystem and a song from the Bee Movie soundtrack that you learned to torment Xavier over Christmas break a few years ago. But Eugene is so sweet and so enthusiastic about the whole thing that you don't find it in yourself to turn him down and promise to think about it.

Lunch rolls around you can’t say you’re particularly excited to face the public after Xavier’s dramatics this morning, but a girl has to eat so you women up and drag your ass downstairs.

Thankfully, the dining hall is a lot less crowded than it was at breakfast. Everyone's probably out in Jericho for the day. Bianca and her friends are nowhere to be seen. So is your brother. Unfortunately, so is Tyler.

That last one kinda puts you in a bit of a desolate mood.

You still grab a seat at the corner table and tuck into your chicken wrap. No one seems to pay you much attention aside from a few stray glances. But that's nothing new, both you and your brother aren’t exactly hard on the eyes.

You enjoy your lunch in relative peace until you notice someone staring. A familiar-looking blonde girl looks straight at you from the nearby table. When you meet her eyes, she waves at you enthusiastically. Very enthusiastically. It clicks why she looks familiar when you see who she's sitting with. It’s that little goth girl that got your brother all in his feels.

Oh, this should be interesting. You put on a smile you always use when doing publicity for your dad and wave back at her.

It’s all the encouragement she needs to leap to her feet and head to your table with her friend—who seems decidedly less enthusiastic about the entire affair—in tow.

"Hi! I'm Enid Sinclair. I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan and I'm so glad you're at Nevermore now, and I hope we can become friends."

People often accost you with similar intentions. Usually because of your father's fame, but recently you started gaining some following of your own as well.

Tiktok remains the only social media where your father's PR team can’t usurp control from you—because they're low-key a bunch of old farts and no one seems to understand how to operate it for publicity— so it’s the only social media you have on principle. You post song covers, film cool street buskers, and sometimes videos of you skateboarding. You amassed something around 100k followers which by TikTok standards isn’t really that impressive, but your views are consistent, so in your old school it attracted literally the worst type of people: clout chasers. Making friends became basically impossible. Because that's what you wanted. Friends. Not an entourage.

But this girl, you’re surprised to find, doesn’t seem like the type. She’s genuine in her excitement and just wants to be friends with someone she thinks is cool. It’s heartwarming and you don’t even notice when your publicity smile turns into a sincere one.

You extend your hand for a handshake. "Pleasure to meet you, Enid. And who’s the shadow of perpetual doom behind you?

"Wednesday. Wednesday Addams." She introduces herself, giving you a scrutinizing look. And wow, does she not blink?

Yeah, Xavier has no business giving you shit for your taste in boys when he’s in love with little miss American Psycho.

"Do you girls want to sit down? I'm not done with my lunch so you could keep me company if you want?"

"Sure!” Enid exclaims excitedly, already pulling a chair for herself.

Wednesday hesitates for a moment but ultimately takes a seat as well.

"Have you already decided what elective classes you're gonna-" starts Enid.

"How do you know Tyler Galpin?" Wednesday cuts her off. Which first, rude . And second, what does she care?

"I don't really. We met yesterday, when I arrived. He helped me haul my luggage to the top floor, "you reply between bites.

"You sat with him at breakfast."

Alrighty, you didn't realize it was an interrogation, but sure, why not?

"Well, I saw a familiar face, he was sitting there alone and he helped me out yesterday, so I thought why not." You try to keep your irritation at bay, but don’t completely succeed. Not that it makes any difference, because this girl clearly doesn’t like reading social cues.

"You don’t what he really is. He-"

"Right." You cut her off with an eye roll. "I heard that spiel already and I have eidetic memory so I don’t need an encore."

"The existence of eidetic memory is not proven by the psychiatric community," Wednesday says defiantly.

"It’s also not disproven, and since it relies heavily on the personal perception of an individual, there is no way to do either, really."

This puts you in a verbal stalemate of a sort and the atmosphere becomes quite heavy, but you just sip your tea nonperturbed.

Enid scrambles to change the subject.

"Have you heard Taylor Swift's new album already? Did you like it?"

You turn all your attention to her, clearly dismissing the previous topic of conversation. "Girl, you kidding? Of course, I did! It's brilliant, not that I expected anything less."

A muscle in Wednesday’s jaw twitches. Whether it’s because of the new topic or because you didn’t concede, you have no way of knowing.

"Ooooh," Enid squeals. "Do you plan on doing any covers? Your cover of No Body No Crime was sooo good, by the way. I got like actual chills."

"It was probably just the draft from the window you insist on keeping open at all times,” deadpans Wednesday.

"Yeah, to air out the smell of formaldehyde," Enid grumbles under her breath.

You have no idea what exactly your brother sees in Wednesday that makes him go yes, this is a perfect girl to be romantically interested in, and at this point, you’re getting more and more confident you don’t want to find out.

"You're so sweet, Enid. Thank you," you say. "I've actually really been vibin’ with Anti-Hero recently, so I'll probably do a cover soon."

Enid looks at Wednesday, then back at you, wheezing in delight. How can someone so small contain so much energy and enthusiasm you have no idea.

Wednesday seems a bit irritated, which given her general lack of emotional responses probably means that she’s in fact hella irritated. She clearly doesn't like to share her friend’s attention, so just to be petty you pull out your phone and ask: "Babes, what's your username? I'll follow you so we can be friends and send each other stuff. By the way, have you seen the new dance going around from this Netflix show? We could totally do a collab on that. I mean, I’m not much of a dancer myself, but it doesn't look too complicated."

Enid looks like she’s about to faint from trying not to shriek like a banshee in excitement. "It’s @ xoxoenid, your most reliable source for gossip in Nevermore."

Then she freezes in panic and as the page loads up on your phone, you see that she already made a few videos about you.

"I didn't say anything bad, I swear! But people were talking about why you and Xavier were arguing and why you were with Tyler… I can totally take it down if you want," she gets out hurriedly in one breath.

Wednesday, once again, looks peeved.

"It's cool, En. Don't worry about it. People gonna talk anyways I don't really care about that."

En, she mouths, looking a little starstruck.

You finish your lunch under Wednesday's scrutinizing glare while Enid talks a mile a minute, giving you a rundown on everyone's drama that you can't possibly follow because it's way too many new names at the same time.

When you're done, you make your goodbyes, wishing the two of them a great day. Or a terrible one, you add with a wide grin, looking at Wednesday. Whichever they’d prefer.

***

In the evening you make your way from Weems' office with a copy of your schedule and a signed referral from your therapist back home.

Most kids from Nevermore that go to therapy are referred to Dr. Kinnbot in Jericho but since your brother is already seeing her, it's unethical for her to see you too. So now you’re going to spend an hour and a half every Saturday driving to a bigger city to see a different therapist. From what Weems told you, he seems to be a good fit for you as he specializes in outcast psychology. But you’ll only know for sure after you’ve had a few sessions with him.

The way to get to Weems’ office from Persephone Hall is a bit complicated. You have to go down the stairs, exit the building, then walk around the building and re-enter it in a different wing. Of course, most people can just use the roof because it also has two exits, and this way you don’t need to go up and down the stairs a million times, which saves a lot of time. But most people aren’t dreadfully afraid of heights.

Well, you won’t be driving because you don’t have a license. You never really needed one back home and now some poor guy got stuck driving you because he’s also seeing the same doctor. Eh, at least he’ll have someone to chip in for gas. And both of you get an hour of free time in the city with an actual mall. Not to mention you have a dazzling personality, so come to think of it, he’s actually lucky to have you, all things considered.

When your powers manifested for the first time, you thought that it must be some kind of mockery from the universe. To give powers like that, to someone who has both acrophobia and aerophobia. Who could even come up with a joke that twisted?

You wrap yourself tighter in your winter coat against a gust of cold wind. You're almost by the main door when you see a cat. A chubby black cat with golden eyes that literally glow in the evening dark. He—you don’t actually know if he’s a he but you’re a native french speaker and calling animals it just doesn’t sit right with you—looks expectantly like he’s been waiting here for the longest time and you’re late and now he’s judging you for tardiness.

You come closer but as soon as do that, he turns around and proceeds to gracefully walk toward the creepy forest.

When you just stand there, dumbfounded, he turns around with a demanding meow and you really don’t feel like you have any other option than to follow him.

About fifteen minutes later, when you lose sight of that bossy cat and you don’t know where you are and can’t even locate the direction you came from, you think that this is just another joke at your expense from the universe. Your dad always says that one can not ignore the signs from the universe, as it is a path of lost opportunities. But right now, you feel like maybe you’re just illiterate and don’t read those signs correctly or something.

You hear the snow crunch behind you and then a snap, probably a twig. You turn around and see… well something.

You try not to panic and take out your phone to text your brother, even if it means a lecture and I told you so the size of the Jupiter. Ugh, you really don’t want to give his ego a boost of this proportion.

You've seen werewolves before and it looks a little bit like one, but at the same time, it doesn't. It looks more like someone tried to draw a werewolf from memory. The creature is bigger than a were but at the same time less proportional, its upper body longer and wider than the lower. Its face has more human traits than those of an animal, but something’s still a little off: its eyes and forehead are unproportionally big compared to the rest of the head.

You have no idea what the fuck it is you’re looking at and whether it's dangerous. A rule of thumb with anything of that size is usually to avoid at all cost. But it’s probably a little too late for that.

It's not attacking, but then again, you're just standing there not moving. If you run, there's a good chance it'll trigger its predator instinct. And there’s no way you can outrun it.

So you just stay where you are. Looking at it. And it also stays where it is. Looking at you.

You can't tell how sentient it is but it seems like it's thinking about something. Hopefully not about late dinner.

Its eyes, you notice, have a reddish tint to them and you think that should creep you out but for some reason it makes you think of pomegranates of all things.

The woods are very quiet. The only sounds you can really make out are its breathing and your own.

An absurd thought pops into your head then. The acoustics here must be great. You remember your vocal mentor, Ms. Welch, telling you that to really perfect acapella, you need to practice in open spaces.

And in what can only be a bout of temporary insanity, that's what you decide to do. Sing.

You take a deep breath not yet knowing what exactly it's going to be, but surprisingly, the words find you easily enough, and from then on, the whole thing just feels like an out-of-body experience.

“I've heard there was a secret chord”

The beast looks taken aback by you breaking this unspoken staring game.

“That David played, and it pleased the Lord”

It looks confused at first, then curious. Doesn't look like it’s gonna tear you to pieces at least, so you let your voice pick up a little volume.

“But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this

The fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah”

The creature makes the tiniest move forward as if chasing your voice.

It startles you and, instinctively, you pull back and the creature immediately mirrors you, looking as if it's scared of scaring you. Scared that you'll stop singing.

You go through the chorus with a shaky voice, but it looks like whatever this thing is, it doesn't want to attack you, so your voice evens out and the next verse sounds way steadier.

"Your faith was strong but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you"

Maybe the irony of singing that line to a mesmerized creature in the moonlight wouldn't be lost on you if all your thinking capabilities weren't paralyzed by primal fear, but alas.

As to why you do what you do next, you honestly have no fucking idea. Maybe you’re more fucked in the head than people give you credit for. Like, way more.

“She tied you to a kitchen chair

She broke your throne, she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah”

You take a step forward.

“Hallelujah”

Then another one.

“Hallelujah”

And one more.

“Hallelujah”

There is maybe a foot separating the two of you at best.

And somewhere in the back of your mind, you can hear a distant howl of your self-preservation instincts.

But the thing is.

You’re as mesmerized by this creature as it is by you.

It just seemed so sentient, its eyes so… intent.

And the closer you get to it, the more your fear dissipates.

And not only the immediate one, but the old and rusty one too, that felt like it was following you for months. Since the day your powers awakened, you realize suddenly.

“Maybe I've been here before

I know this room, I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

Love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah”

“Hallelujah”

The creature gets on four paws before you.

“Hallelujah”

Takes a deep breath.

“Hallelujah”

Then another one.

“Hallelujah”

And then it lies down at your feet.

You're so shocked you think you might’ve messed up the order of the verses.

“Maybe there's a God above

And all I ever learned from love

Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you”

You crouch in front of it and carefully extend your hand towards its… face?

“It's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah”

“Hallelujah”

Your first touch is feather-like, but when you're sure it doesn't want to bite your hand off, you gently stroke the top of its head.

“Hallelujah”

It closes its eyes and puts its head on its front paws.

“Hallelujah”

The forest is quiet once again and you look at the creature's calm form, just lying there like a big tired doggo.

Its skin starts to shift and bones start to rearrange themselves as you're watching the creature take a distinctly human shape. It takes you a good half a minute after it's done to realize that you know this human.

Shit.

***

Tyler

His consciousness returns slowly, all senses a bit muffled still. He’s in the forest, it’s dark and he doesn’t remember how he got here. Fuck.

After Thornhill's death, it feels like he lost all the control he had over the Hyde.

You've never had any control, he reminds himself sharply.

He takes a deep breath, recalling what his new therapist told him. You need to learn to reign in the Hyde on your terms, Tyler, not relearn what was forced on you. It will take time and patience. Be kind to yourself. Yeah, right.

“Umm, Tyler? You alright, dude?”

What?

“Oh shit, you’re like, butt-ass naked, oh my goodness.”

He opens his eyes and sees someone—presumably the owner of the voice—hastily pulling off a winter coat.

A girl?

She turns to look at him for only a second as she throws her coat in his direction and then turns her back to him once again.

Oh shit. He knows this face pretty well. He was shamelessly staring at it all morning.

“I swear I didn’t see anything and if I did I honestly can’t do anything about it because of my eidetic memory, but I promise I will never-” she starts rambling so fast he can barely understand what she’s saying.

“Y/n,” he asks, voice still hoarse. “Please stop talking.”

“Oh,” she pauses, “Sure sure sure, yeah. No problemo. Can totally do that, yeah.”

He gets up slowly and picks up the coat from the ground. He’s covered in dirt and the coat he picks up is light pink so he’ll probably mess it up, but he can’t just walk home naked like he did all those times before because he’s not alone now. Create new patterns for the Hyde to follow, Dr. Shin’s voice echoes in his head. Tyler doubts that’s what he meant when he said it, but whatever.

The coat thankfully is long enough to reach his knees, so he zips it up and tells y/n’s back: “Okay, I’m decent.”

She stops pacing and in mere seconds she’s in front of him, taking his face in her hands, presumably to check for any injuries. Her hands are warm and gentle and he can’t find anything to say, too shocked not only that she didn’t run but that her first concern is whether he is alright.

“You’re a bit dirty, but I don’t see any injuries, so I think you’ll live.” She carefully takes her hands off his face and awkwardly shoves them into the pockets of her jeans, like she doesn’t know where else to put ‘em.

“What happened? What are you doing here?” When he came to he was scared half to death he might’ve hurt her, but she seems unharmed and—what’s more baffling—unafraid, so now he’s just straight up confused.

“I was walking from Weems’ office and there was this cat- Wait a sec, you don’t remember what happened when you were all…” she imitates the claws with her hand, “rawr?”

“No.” Not anymore, not after Thornhill’s death. The thought that one of these days he might wake up in someone’s blood terrifies him.

“Oh.”

“What did you- How did you make me shift back?” Dr. Shin says he needs a point of contact with his human side that he can rely on to pull him out from the shift, but where the fuck is he supposed to find it if everyone he knows looks at him like he’s a ticking time bomb even when he’s perfectly human-looking.

“Ummm, I sang you Rufus Wainwright’s rendition of Hallelujah?” She says like she almost can’t believe it herself.

Tyler certainly can’t.

“You…sang to me?”

“Yeah, Rufus Wright’s rendition of Hallelujah, the one from Shrek, keep up, dude.”

He takes a breath to say something but the words do not come. He has no idea what to even say to that.

“Do you know how to get out of here?” She asks. “Cuz I kinda followed a cat here, so I don’t really know which way I came from.”

“Uhhh yeah, we need to keep to the northwest,” Tyler replies dumbly.

She looks at him unimpressed, “Babe, do I like a fucking girl scout to you? I don’t know what that means.”

And maybe it’s such a brazen use of that word that does it, or it’s that he’s only about 50% sure this is not some weird dream he’s having after eating too much sugar before bed, but he just grabs her hand and silently starts walking towards the dorms.

If she’s surprised by this turn of events, she doesn't show it, just goes with it like it’s the most normal thing on earth.

After a few minutes, she wrangles her hand so that their fingers intertwine and they’re like actually holding hands. Tyler feels his face heat up and hopes desperately that it won’t be visible in this cold.

“Could you slow down a bit please,” she asks, slightly out of breath. “I can’t keep up with you and if I keep breathing in cold air like an old asthmatic dog, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I’m sorry,” Tyler says, slowing down a little.

They walk in silence for a while and Tyler expects her to start firing questions any second now but they can already see the outline of the main building in the distance and she still hasn’t asked.

“It’s called a Hyde. That thing you saw. No one knows for sure if I will ever be able to control it.”

“Hm,” she says thoughtfully, “You seemed pretty in control to me.”

He freezes. “What?”

“Like, when you were listening to me. It seemed like you didn’t want to scare me and one time you did, you backed off immediately.”

They keep walking, silent again.

When they reach the side of the main building, Tyler stops, letting go of her hand. “We’re here.”

“Cool, thanks for walking me back,” she says, smiling at him like it was just a cute little walk in the park.

He can’t take not understanding it.

“Why aren’t you freaked out?” He asks desperately. Something in him twists painfully like she just doesn’t understand. Like he’s deceiving her somehow, and he just needs to explain that he is a monster, he is dangerous, and then she’ll run from him like she’s supposed to. Like everyone else does.

But she doesn’t. She looks up at him curiously, and in the moonlight, her eyes seem so dark, so captivating, that he kind of forgets what was it he was asking her.

“You didn’t hurt me, didn’t even try to. That’s all I really need to know, Tyler.” She says calmly.

He just looks at her, not able to tear his eyes—or form a cohesive thought.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at breakfast. Save me a sit?” she asks softly like there’s some real possibility someone except her will want to sit with the local machiavellian monster.

“Sure,” is all he can really manage.

“Cool.” She says, then gets on her tiptoes and kisses his cheek. “Goodnight, Tyler.”

His cognitive functions decide to leave him at that moment so he doesn’t say anything, just stands there like one of the statues from Easter Island and watches her sneak into the dorm’s building.

***

Author’s note: I hope characterization doesn't seem inconsistent, I'm just trying to highlight that how other characters see MC is not exactly how she really is. She presents a more collected picture that what's actually going on in her brain. I was a bit worried I overdid it in the forest scene, but in the end I decided that Tyler is too flustered himself to pick up on her little tells that she's freaking out, and after seeing him naked she's totally freaking out lol

#tyler galpin #tyler galpin x reader #tyler galpin imagine #thorpe!reader #wednesday

313 notes · View notes

goldenpinof · 5 months

Note

1) I'm a different nonnie but I loved your analysis on the dnpg comeback, but it leads into 2) what I don't understand about Dan is how YouTube stresses him out /so/ much, but how other projects don't as much? I've read his book, and I know it has to do with judgement and how hard he feels he has to pretend to make people like him (side note, I want him to write another book. I'd love Dan is Not Okay as a book even. I like his writing style), but you would think that that anxiety would translate to any public projects. 3) mildly unrelated, but when they react to pinof 4, I wonder if they're going to talk about 2012 in depth (Dan's breakdown on Tumblr, how the fans harassed Adrian, the friends they publicly fell out with between 2012-2013, just all of it) or if they're going to just react to the Pinof itself. Personally I feel like PINOF 4's energy is generally fine, but since they're focusing on controlling the narrative now, it could be interesting to use it as a possible retrospective and a way to clearly define their boundaries.

i'm gonna follow your structure :)

1) thank you <3;

2) i think it can have something to do with the amount of things being made. if it's youtube it "has to be" many good quality and interesting videos (3-5 is already many) and youtube demands consistency if you view it as a job. youtube is also a more public place than venues or bookstores. anyone, and i mean ANYONE, can see Dan's videos on the internet for free and form an opinion, and comment, and start a discussion (good or bad). and not that many things can be erased from the internet. books also cannot be erased the moment you make it digital but it's harder to go through a book and form an actual opinion than to watch a 10-min video and form an opinion also based on Dan's face. videos are personal, it's about him. bigger projects feel more like a job and are perceived as a separate entity. it's not Dan, it's what Dan makes. also books have editors and publishers that have some kind of responsibility alongside the author. independent youtube videos? not really. switching to tours. Dan likes irl feedback a lot. maybe that thing makes it easier for him to dive into an enormous amount of physical and emotional work every tour requires. also, the tour is not Dan, it's what Dan makes and plays a role in. there is more detachment from his personality even though we know he puts his own thoughts into his shows (tatinof and ii included). Dan may also like conceptual things (i'm assuming here, i don't remember if he ever said it, he could). to build a whole world based on an idea and live in this world for a bit. like, creating a tv series or a show requires more time, more revisions, help from others, but it's also more fun to create something so big, i guess. it requires more than his youtube videos but it also gives more in return. it's like making a baby that you're so proud of and then presenting it to the world, time and time again to different people. youtube videos could also be viewed as babies but as he said, a lot of it was made to please the algorithm and to survive on youtube (paraphrasing here). he overthinks his content and because of the amount (again) it's harder with videos than 1 or 2 bigger projects that he can spend months on making. (i bet the pitching of his projects and communication in general stress him out as well. but luckily, he has managers for that). you mentioned dan is not okay as a book, and i would die to see the script of a show as it is. and the fact that it already exists blows my mind a little bit. like, give it to me!!;

3) no, they won't talk about 2012 uneasy times. honestly, i'm gonna be shocked if they acknowledge it in any way. Adrian is a public figure now, mentioning him is a risk. i think they will just react to pinof 4, maybe they will give a few looks @ the camera indicating that they know we know, but other than that, i really really doubt we will get any serious commentary.

#answered #dan #wad #this tag will live forever ugh #dan is not okay #ywgttn #note: he was asked to write a book (i don't remember where he said it don't come for me)#so it wasn't really his idea. he agreed to it though and made it happen so i guess it counts as a baby.

26 notes · View notes

karamazovposting · 24 days

Text

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part three)

This is my favorite part of this whole thing. I haven't written it yet, that's literally the opening line, but here I'll be talking about one of the most interesting (to me) aspects of Ivan's character: how the other characters perceive him; I already know I'll be having a blast writing this. Internal vs external perception is probably my favorite topic when it comes to character study, so I was thinking of doing something similar for Dmitri as well in the future because I noticed some things that I want to talk about. I'll think about it.

For once I don't have to make an introduction where I explain what I'll be going over in this because there's none to be made, so let's start from the beginning. The first time we see Ivan is when they're all waiting for Dmitri at the beginning of the book, and what does he do? He takes the piss out of everyone, of course. And I think that in everything that happens there and in the following passages (I was particularly struck by Father Zosima's words about him, which I've already mentioned in here) we pretty much have the key to Ivan's character, and he doesn't even give it to us himself (very fitting indeed). The first thing we find out is that Alyosha is afraid Ivan will be condescending towards the monks and while Ivan technically isn't, he still adopts a subtly mocking tone with them, which checks out considering that Miusov says Ivan feigns arrogance to mask his own insecurity. Also it's very telling that Ivan's demeanor changes when it comes to Zosima, I feel like he actually does respect him and to some extent appreciates his words. Funnily enough I've found myself in a similar situation in the past (atheist surrounded by nuns, my family was there, they told me some things I appreciated; I wasn't making fun of anyone though I swear) so I get it.

Speaking of words, there are many used for him in those chapters, and there are even more as the novel goes on, brushstroke after brushstroke painting a rather confusing and contradictory picture of this young man: he's bright yet insecure and "a tomb", he's weird and a misunderstood outcast in his own family yet he's charming (said by multiple characters in multiple occasions, I think it's the word that's used the most to describe him) and refined, yet again eccentric. He's paradoxical and a riddle (another word used multiple times), and his own father fears him more than he fears the son who almost beat him to death and at first I couldn't understand why, considering everyone else's opinion of Ivan and the fact that Ivan actually helped get Dmitri off of their father when he was beating him, but then I went back to Book Two and stumbled upon a line that managed to completely go over my head in the past (how could that happen? God, the horror!) that does explain a lot and looking back now, to me feels like one of the most important lines (about Ivan) of the whole novel:

What seemed to [Aleksej] strangest of all was that his brother Ivan, [...] who alone had such influence on his father that he could have stopped him [...]

I don't think I need to explain why I think this line (that you can find in The old buffoon for context) is crucial so I won't say much about it, but it also explains why Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household is seen as a guarantee for quiet and order (as stated during Dmitri's trial, and we also see it in the fact that both Dmitri and Pavel had in mind to murder Fyodor only if Ivan had been out of the picture, though for different reasons), and honestly it surprised me: I mean, Ivan's influence over other people plays a very important role in the story, but him having influence over his father? Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov? Wow. Also I have something else to say about the quiet and order thing but it belongs in part four.

The rest of that line is also interesting in my opinion:

[...] [Ivan] sat now quite unmoved, with downcast eyes, apparently waiting with interest to see how it would end, as though he had nothing to do with it.

This, maybe trivial, line never really left my head, which means it must mean something to me. Maybe because that behaviour fits Ivan's character so well and I always like when he gets to act like a normal, unbothered, and even childish at times, twenty-three year old (he's not even angry there, what a rare occurrence) and because according to how the other characters speak of him, it feels unexpected (and turned out to be useful for this post).

Back to how others speak of him, someone (Fyodor I think) goes as far as saying that maybe Ivan deliberately seeks torment, which honestly feels a little too familiar to me and that's why that's another line I can't seem to get out of my head; when people have such a high opinion of you they do tend to blame your own struggle on you, at least in my experience, as it's their only way of rationalizing it. You should be better than that, you should be smarter than that. But you're not, so maybe you actually want it; why would such a brilliant person be like that otherwise? You're not allowed to be "weak" and I think Ivan is a perfect example of this as he has internalized this concept, but I'll go over it in part four.

But what does all this have to do with bipolar disorder? I'm getting there, but you'll have to bear with me because this whole thing gets quite intricated at this point and I have to be as clear as I can (and I can't, ever), so let's take a seemingly nonsensical step back to see the bigger picture.

None of the brothers are stupid: Dmitri is naive, impulsive and uneducated, sure, but the narrator does describe him as a fairly intelligent man in spite of it, Pavel was basically a child prodigy and a very smart young adult (and maybe I should talk about it sometime because everyone in the novel considers him to be capable but stupid and there's only one person who explicitly recognizes his intelligence in a genuine way apart from the narrator, guess who), and Aleksej, while also uneducated, isn't stupid either. But there is a particular emphasis put on Ivan's intelligence and it's hard to find a paragraph where he is present or where someone else is talking about him that doesn't mention it. Ivan is bright, Ivan is educated, Ivan is an academic. It's pretty much the first thing the other characters think of when thinking about him, it's almost some sort of morbid fixation. And it's not a positive thing either as it does nothing but feed into his insecurities and Pavel even uses it against him by telling him how intelligent he is over and over until he officially loses it. Ivan is smart to the point of being charming and admired, but that turns out to be a double-edged sword (of course) because everyone puts him on a pedestral and higher the pedestral, deadlier the fall, as we see in the second half of the novel. In my opinion the only one who seems to view him as a human being and not as some sort of ghost or higher, detached entity (apart from Zosima) is Alyosha; Dmitri considers Ivan to be better than everyone else including himself, Smerdyakov is...well, Smerdyakov, his father's attitude towards him is basically I don't understand what's up with him and I don't really care (in addition to what I said a few paragraphs ago) and even Katya is charmed by him more than she loves him, at least at first. Everyone else doesn't even really know him and that's partially his own fault, but I can't blame him.

Why do I consider this bipolar coding? To make it short, intelligent people are often considered charismatic and many psychiatric studies suggest that there's a link between bipolar disorder and high intelligence (which to me personally kind of feels like a consolation prize, like nature saying hey, you'll hate being alive but at least you're not an idiot!, thanks a lot I guess) and it's also worth mentioning that bipolar disorder is linked to creativity as well since Ivan has come up with multiple poems over the years, which means he must be a creative person to a certain degree. I haven't been citing my sources because this is not an academic paper and I'm just some guy on Tumblr who doesn't even study psychiatry and just happens to be basically cursed, but there's a book about this topic that I want to mention: Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by American psychiatrist Kay Redfield Jamison; I've also read her (very relatable) autobiography and I'm a big fan of hers since she knows what she's talking about even more than the average psychiatrist because she has bipolar disorder herself. For anecdotal evidence, I keep a mental list of historical figures and artists (including contemporaries/celebrities who are still alive) diagnosed with bipolar disorder (so if you ever want to know if someone has/had it hit me up I guess) that I won't include here for obvious reasons, but let me just say that the doctors who did the aforementioned studies do seem to have a point (and I'm an artist myself). I want to make clear that I'm not trying to play into the overused, boring, inaccurate, and generally uncomfortable (for me at least) mentally ill tormented genius trope/stereotype and that it's obviously not what Dostoevsky was going for either; it's just that I've personally had people fixate on my intellect my whole life (not to mention the general weird fascination the average person has for mental illness and mentally ill people as well) and seeing Ivan go through that same experience combined with the studies I just mentioned made this association inevitable for me. Also people seem to find you more fun and charming when you're manic/hypomanic (only when you're the "right" kind of manic/hypomanic of course, when you're experiencing dysphoric mania/hypomania people just become ableist because that's the "wrong" kind of mania/hypomania, duh) which is...uhm...I don't really know how to feel about it honestly, but it's a fact so I'm mentioning it.

But what came first, Ivan's self-isolation or people's misunderstanding of him as a person? Is it the former that caused the latter or the other way around? To me this feels like having to talk about the good old chicken and egg dilemma and I still haven't figured it out in relation to myself, so I guess this will remain unanswered for now (or forever). But what I do know is that bipolar disorder is a lonely experience, no matter how hard someone tries to not make it lonely; people just don't get it even if you explain yourself a thousand times over and over. It doesn't mean you don't have relationships with others, it just means you know you have to keep some things to yourself sometimes and you get used to it, which seems to be Ivan's case too; to me the best example of it is when he's just about to tell Alyosha about the devil but stops himself from doing so and decides to push him away instead. In my opinion it's also connected to his inability to show "weakness" that I already mentioned and that is often one of the core experiences of living with bipolar disorder, but I won't go over that now. I'll just say the problem when it comes to Ivan is that everyone (the readers, the other characters, even himself) gets tangled in a net of performance; living with bipolar disorder feels like having to constantly keep up a certain kind of act (that I wouldn't even know how to explain) in front of others due to the stigma, and I'm pretty sure that's the case with every neurodivergence and invisible disability (bipolar disorder is in fact a disability and I'm legally disabled, that's why I mentioned ableism earlier). Ivan knows what people think and expect of him (we've seen it in his first real interaction with Alyosha and I've already talked about it in part two) and we see few moments when he goes mask off, and apart from those moments his facial expressions are always described as being forced or "off" in some other way. One thing that struck me is the significant contrast between what Mrs. Khokhlakova in particular says about him and how we actually see him behave when he doesn't bother with his forced coldness and collectedness (usually by himself or around his family): she talks about how refined and chivalrious he is multiple times because that's the side of him she sees (and almost everyone else sees), yet he's the character who swears the most (I don't know if "swearing" is the right term as in the novel there are no actual curse words in the modern sense but he doesn't really speak kindly does he); his language is even worse than Dmitri's. I'm not saying that being polite in public/formal settings and swearing like a sailor in private/informal settings is something unusual because I'm also like that (as I'm afraid you might have noticed, sorry for all the swearing!), I just wanted to point that out because to me it seems important in general and relevant for this post.

This doesn't mean I think of Ivan as a fake person because I would have to have that same opinion of myself and I don't, it's quite hard to explain if you haven't lived the bipolar experience first-hand or don't really know what masking is and I hope you'll understand what I'm trying to say here; it's just that he hides and polishes some parts of himself due to a combination of childhood emotional neglect, mental illness, and a personality that's difficult on its own (but really, when you have a disorder like this one it's quite hard to tell what's personality and what's mental illness, especially because at times they're one and the same; it shapes you and sometimes you can't even do anything about it and to me it's no surprise Ivan's sense of self is as warped as it is), all factors that contribute to his partially self-inflicted isolation. I mean, he does say himself to Alyosha that at first he kept him at a distance on purpose and you can also find a glimpse of that in his own philosophy: he openly says that he loves humanity but dislikes humans. He can only show affection from afar and I think that also reflects in the situation with Pavel and in Ivan's own guilt: I don't think Ivan lacks empathy (quite the opposite), he just doesn't have the tools to do anything with it. Could he really have done something? He says he would have if Pavel had explicitly told him to stay in their father's house (here the conversation shifts on the physical aspect of things as Ivan now feels guilty for also being physically distant from his family and not only emotionally), but Ivan's words are never really reliable. How can we expect someone who's incapable of getting close to people to help them? Even when trying to help Dmitri escape prison he's still rough with him. There's a reason why his thing with Katya is a mess as well and he refuses to admit that he loves her (he even says to Alyosha that he doesn't like her and he's with her only to prevent a catastrophe at Mitya's trial, which are later stated to be lies by the narrator): he always tries to convert his feelings into reason, otherwise his whole façade crumbles.

I also want to mention Ippolit Kirillovič's words about him at the trial because they seem very important to me, but only very briefly because first, many things he says have already been talked about in my other posts and second, it seems a little unfair to leave the other members of the family out because Ippolit Kirillovič says many interesting things about all of them; maybe I'll make a post about that in the future. Basically, Ippolit Kirillovič doesn't particularly like Ivan because he got the better of him in a couple public arguments they had in the past (very funny to me by the way), but he still prefaces his criticism of him by talking about his positive qualities (once again, his vigorous intellect and brilliant education) and saying he was welcome in their community (but not in the same way Dmitri was). This is yet another case of me not knowing where I'm going with this, but this particular instance stood out to me so it was worth mentioning; I think it summarizes the other characters' attitude towards Ivan quite well, but I can't really explain it.

Another thing that I noticed is that no one ever calls him by a nickname, not even Alyosha. I wrote a post about the use of names and nicknames in The Brothers Karamazov months ago but I hated the way it turned out because I felt like I wasn't making any sense so I decided to throw the whole thing away and I don't even know if I should try writing it again. Anyway, it's very interesting to me that pretty much everyone is referred to by a nickname (even Rakitin of all people) except for Ivan; not even Alyosha calls him anything other than his name (and if I remember correctly not even Katya, who talks to Ivan using the informal you, does). Actually, there are a couple instances where this does happen and that drives me even more insane because the first one happens at the beginning of the novel, when his father calls him Vanya a few times only to never do it again (and honestly Ivan didn't seem to like that either), and the second one is Rakitin mockingly referring to him as Vanechka when talking about him to Aleksej (because of course he'd never call Ivan that to his face and I also have a feeling he'd get decked if he tried). I don't really know where I'm going with this (again) but I wanted to throw it in anyway because it always stood out to me considering the only main characters that are never referred to like that are Fyodor, Ivan, and Smerdyakov and well, there seem to be implications here. In the aforementioned deleted post I wrote about this topic I mentioned sense of belonging (Mitya belongs there after all) and affection/connection (everyone loves Alyosha) in opposition to being excluded (Smerdyakov is not a legitimate son) and being unable to connect with others (Ivan is an outcast due to the multiple reasons I went over in the previous paragraphs). Maybe I really should try writing it again.

Well, I think I'm done for now. I found it a little hard to separate the themes of part three from the ones of part four, because the latter will focus on Ivan's self-perception (among what happens from Book Eleven to the epilogue and other, more "medical", things) but we see how he perceives himself through the devil but the devil is not an actual real person in the book so I couldn't really include that here and in my mind the themes of these two parts kind of blended together so I had to to figure out where to break them apart.

This took longer than usual (which bothers me but oh well) because I had to take a break from pretty much everything (which is why lately many posts have been queued) for a while due to the February-March period always being whacky for me bipolar-wise, mostly because of the seasonal change (something that plays a huge role in this shitshow of a disorder and something I'll go over in part four because surprise surprise) that always makes me mentally and physically tired. All of this, which can be summarized with bipolar disorder bipolar disordering, to say that I hope this part isn't as messy as it seems to me and that I hope you can't tell I wrote it during a time I wasn't getting enough sleep (I swear I did my best given the circumstances), and if I "disappear" or interact less from time to time it's usually because of this kind of stuff. I'm still not getting enough sleep by the way so I might take a break from serious posts again, I love that daylight savings time happens during one of the worst seasonal changes of the whole year for me every year and it doesn't mess with my disorder at all.

It sure didn't help that I chose to make part three more complicated than the others thinking it wouldn't go in a completely different direction than I had originally planned and wouldn't therefore have to reorganize my thoughts during a period I simply couldn't do so; I will obviously be punished for my hubris. But until then I'll be working on part four (and some other unfinished stuff I have in my drafts and have no idea when I'll post), which will be the last part of my bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.

#I really hope you get what I mean sometimes I feel like I'm talking nonsense #also this is very long and I went a little on a tangent at some point but I mean y'all read Dostoevsky so you're used to it #and I've just noticed how often I use parenthesis I'm so sorry but I have a lot of thoughts #and I want to clarify that the part about hating being alive is a joke I'm okay now my humor is just a little uhm...questionable #the brothers karamazov #ivan karamazov #bipolar ivan karamazov agenda #thoughts #mine

13 notes · View notes