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enbesbians · 4 months

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Hi fern!! I just wanted to let u know how much I love ur acc and ur writing and especially how u always respond to our messages as much as you can 🩷🩷

I’ve been feeling really really icky lately ab myself and my body, like a wave of shame that I’m plus sized and blah blah, and honestly I feel like you’ve become a bit of a safe space for me, and as a sapphic girl the way you talk ab loving and thinking that every girl is just sososo beautiful always makes me feel a bit better ab myself (and honestly a little giddy inside because the way you present yourself is really attractiveeee)

I love when you reply to questions and share little tidbits about yourself because you’re actually such an interesting (in a good way!!!) person, and I lovelovelove your writing sm - never feel like it’s not good enough because no matter what you’ve written I guarantee it’s gonna be a BANGER 🗣️🗣️

ily and take care of yourself <3

thank you for this message. i know how hard it is for anyone when it comes to the perception of themselves and how they think others may see them. women are often told to look a certain way, do certain things and certain things would dictate their feminine attributes (like body hair, the size of their hands, breasts of how they might have something like bigger calves maybe a smaller ass…) even with women who’re more in tune with their masculinity, there’s always some bullshit spewed to make them second guess their true beauty.

we often try to minimize the impact we have and the natural beauty we hold within as well as without. we think if we were to be taller or shorter or wear a smaller size in jeans we’d be better than what we are in the present. i want everyone to know the person you are and all the eras that led up to the current is authentically you. you’re allowed to feel pretty no matter where you are in terms of your image and personality— that’s what makes you, you. if you so happen do want to change yourself, it should be for the better, have healthy alternatives to reach that goal and your reasonings shouldn’t be to be perceived in societies ideals of what it might be. if you want to be a pink, girly girl who likes to wear mary jane shoes and bows, you can do that even if you could be 6ft and if you want to be this strong masculine person, that’s fine, be a little pocket masc, you can still be that too.

being on the more chubbier side shouldn’t make you feel any less attractive than you deserve to be. you may feel weary about being naked or even wearing clothes… you might feel closed in and like all eyes are just glaring at every curve like it’s disgusting but it’s not. it’s beautiful. we’re all molded in different ways, the way our body forms are created in different shapes (like how abby has more of a boxy frame— her body is straight, not much of any curve, going down and honestly i think that body type is so goddamn cute. id dina having more of a pear shape and her bottom half is slightly ‘heavy’. what about if your shoulders are more broad, possibly your feet are a bit bigger than what your height may align with, it’s fine. it’s all so gorgeous and it shows unique how woman can be made and how it creates character and depth to the person that they are).

i like to share little things about me because there’s a lot of misconceptions that im this overly confident sex machine that has everything going good for them when that’s not the case… i had lots of trauma from my image where i couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror at age 5 and didn’t even acknowledge my own existence in a positive way. when i was 18, i took the time to ask myself why i hated myself so much and most of it was illogical nit picking of what i found gross… i figured that i wasted most of my life being so hateful to myself that i didn’t allow myself to feel good… to love myself, let me feel life the way it should feel for everyone. i don’t wish that on anyone because still i find it hard to accept the body i was born into but ive come a long way to feel more confident and sexy in myself yet i still need work on loving myself. i do hope the same for you too.

#fern talks🍃#lesbian #sapphic #wlw

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leolingo · 1 month

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ok i could just be spouting bullshit. but as someone that also loves ElQ but doesn’t like Doied-

i think the main difference between them that makes one really appealing and the other boring (at least to me, cuz clearly a lot of people like him) is that ElQ has a (semi) established motive and personality. there’s a lot left up to the audiences imagination, but there’s still enough there for him to believably exist as a compelling character.

doied on the other hand.. doesn’t really have a motive? i could be completely wrong. i’m not fluent in spanish so i could have fully missed something in either one of the cintas- (especially with the heavy accent cc!roier puts on for doied) but it doesn’t appear that doied has any actual goal in swapping bodies with roier. which makes his existence as a character.. boring. just why.

but even besides that the thing that really gets me is that he doesn’t have a personality that separates him from qroier. yes, he’s acting like qroier so that he can effectively disguise himself as him. but that also works against him.. if there’s no major separation between qroier and doied in terms of personality then there’s nothing separating one from the other in my brain. to me they almost of exist as one entity. unless im constantly reminding myself that its doied that we’re watching, not qroier, then im not gonna be able to tell them apart at all.

qq and elq- there’s a major disparity between them in terms of personality. to me qq comes off as being very jaded, he’s a chaotic but very caring individual who loves his friends and family. elq comes off as being very emotionally detached, vengeful, bitter, and snarky. their separation from one another allows them to exist as separate characters.

idk that’s my rant, sorry if i’m just like. blatantly wrong LOL. but ive been holding this in for months and Had to tell someone

no i think youre RIGHT. i agree with most of it

i think a big reason why i cant like doied is precisely BECAUSE elq already exists like the setups are very similar but elq’s existence just currently has more depth and so its just really hard for me to care about doied at all

im pretty sure doied’s motives revolve around wanting to meet other people and see the world because he never got the chance to inside federation facilities (he said that directly or implied it during one of the cintas but also spanish is my third language and im not 100% fluent so i could be misremembering) but that doesn’t really stand on its own like OKAY but why does he exist? what is his role inside of the federation and why is he allowed to openly pursue a goal that seems to be completely personal? elq was sneaking around back when he was doing things out of personal interest and it culminated in him ultimately crossing the fed and being accused of treason. i just dont like how inconsequential doied’s plotline is so far and the way it doesn’t seem to tie into ANYTHING

i agree about doied’s personality and how we haven’t seen much of him as himself to really set him apart from roier. i guess that can be explained by the implication that doied had been watching roier for a looooong time and knows how to play him perfectly, whereas elq never did and always had his own personality show through even when he was supposed to be playing quackity. still, i just dont find it very interesting

ultimately to me doieds existence with little explanation just takes me to places i have NOOOOOOO interest in like because he’s there and cucurucho barely acknowledges him it forces me to think Oh then does EVERY islander have a clone? is everyone tied to the federation in the end? and i DONT like any of those paths. lol

#ask

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forestryfae · 4 months

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man it is SO nice to find a solution to a really shit problem only for 50 other problems to happen

i am completely alone with zero support in a house i hate, doing as much housework as possible so it can be manageable both in day to day life and so its not hard to just leave when i move, and i still am not getting any help getting rid of the stuff.

i have almost no money and i have to pay to take the train to buy food or neccessities and i was dumb enough to not send a letter sooner so i dont know if ill get my money until after christmas or not, i havent bought more than one christmas gift either cus im fucking broke, and i dont feel anywhere in my body that i want to spend time making something for anyone. my brother still isnt done paying me my money back and literally hasnt talked to me since last time he asked for money, my dad hasnt fucking talked to me in ages and the one time he called in summer it was out of boredom to ask when i was gonna visit them, none of my extended relatives talk to me at all so what the fuck is the point there, and my mom is just. a fucking bitch.

i had her removed as a legal guardian, not even on purpose initially but because folkenemnda or whoever sent her a letter before i was able to have a meeting, so she ofc got fucking offended and now has decided sve cant be involved in anything. she cant call electricians, she cant help fix the house, its "too difficult" for her to have to talk to me or my new legal guardian instead of just buying stuff right away, and she told ME to get a new phone service provider. i had to fix that myself. on top of her being, once again, a useless bitch. dont touch my stuff i say, its fucking embarrassing that you have dirty laundry she implies while moving all my furniture around and doing shit to my kitchen while refusing to acknowledge its my house but still treating it like her own, and not fixing the internet again after they unplugged it.

so i have no access to internet besides my last 150 mb of phone data unless i call some guy to fix it, but they wont be here until next year most likely so its pretty much pointless, and if i buy phone data i have to pay. so if i cant get it fixed ill be literally alone for two weeks straight with no people at all around me and noone i can talk to on the internet. except for fucking. christmas. idk about new years eve. and i dont even fucking like my family, i dont even want to spend time with them, they treat me like shit.

the ac doesnt work since mom got the electricians to look at everything but never actually hired anyone to fix shit and now is completely uncooperative. and after they checked the fireplace in that control like two years ago im not allowed to use it, and mom never actually got that fixed either even though shes been in charge of absolutely everything since forever.

plus both heaters downstairs are set to 27c or max and it still is only like 17 or 19 or so, i have an entire room in the house i straight up cant use cus theres no power and no light and 17c in there and its full of stuff i asked mom to take to the thrift store for me 6 months ago. also i cant leave either heater on if im boiling water or washing dishes cus that overloads the entire fucking thing.

and its just like so much bullshit all at once and ive been spacing out for like 2 hours while writing this cus i get so frustrated and upset and angry and sad. its not fucking fair that my parents literally dont care about me, yet im expected to be fucking sociable and call and visit them and reach out. they didnt reach out to me or support me at all when i was a kid, or a teenager, or an adult, why the fuck would i want to deal with them. but if i dont go to visit them on christmas or i point out that hey. youre not really being fair or nice to me at all, hell breaks loose cus i should be more than happy with the crumbs they give me, as if theyre the best people in the world for fucking. calling once every six months or letting me celebrate a holiday with them.

like. im stuck here for 2 weeks, im broke as shit, no connection to the outside world once i use all my data, i very much am still mentally ill even if im better than before i went inpatient. but once i go back ill have to go back to work and i dont have a psychiatrist to talk to and im not on any meds i think i might need and i havent been tested for anything yet, i havent been had driving practice yet, i can barely talk to my support contact, i need a lot more help than i am being given, im not getting the help i ask for when i do ask for it, and thats on top of shit parents and a shit house and two cats i love but am not sure i can keep given the whole thing where im gone for months at a time. and i just. how the fuck am i supposed to be able to keep a job or ever move out or make friends properly or keep a new apartment or house or be mentally stable. its so much bullshit all at once wtf

#talkies

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qumiiiquinnquin · 10 months

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it just dawned on me.

that throughout my entire life , ive been abused. its taken its toll on my mental health during my childhood , but not once did i ever think about just. ending it , or ever doing anything to myself.

this probably immediately sounds ridiculous. most kids in an abusive family do try to escape , resort to sh or...disappearing. why didn't i then? was i really abused?

but i never considered any of it , not until i was probably 15 or 16.

the first time i wanted to end it was when i was 11. it wasn't due to family , it was due to thinking a very close friend of mine no longer cared about me. yea , it was over a friendship. she claimed she did still care , and it was on me not participating in conversations. its kind of hard to jump into a conversation though where you're immediately excluded or never acknowledged though... but i claim responsibility and was wrong to feel the way i did and accuse her ((middle school drama)).

but aside from the first time that i learned i shouldnt be allowed to have friends , i otherwise never considered disappearing. the situations with my family my whole life felt normal to me. being yelled at and spanked by my dad up until i was 11 but yelled at again and him being a bit physical with me when i became chronically depressed and severely anxious when i was 16 and 17 , being a bit neglected by my mom and put into multiple situations that could have k!lled me or gotten the cops called on her , being yelled at by my stepdad and never allowed to criticize my mom and always treated like he knows everything and i don't know anything , being manipulated and emotionally abused by my nana and “aunt”...

both my parents did things that easily could've gotten the cops called on them for abuse , since i was a baby. of course , no one found out. and everyone in my family claims to feel sorry and guilty for everything they've done to my sibling and i , except my “aunt” and nana , the latter saying to me before that she's never done anything wrong to my sibling and i. and really , i dont have the guts to call anyone on my family because i know both of my parents and stepdad care about my sibling and i a lot , despite the rough childhood.

besides my parents and stepdad , my “aunt” and nana were the other main sources for my declining mental health , and its because of them that im shocked im still here. as i said , both were very emotionally abusive and manipulative. they were judgmental and strict about our appearances , what we ate , how much we ate , our weights , and our attitudes. especially my “aunt” , who would not even accept a poker face. if you were not smiling , you were automatically accused or questioned of not enjoying yourself , and guilt-tripped for making her and my uncle spend so much money to ensure my sibling and i had a good time.

she wanted things her way , and every time we “misbehaved” it resulted in over the top punishments. we would have to eat lunch that day downstairs the room we stayed in , we couldn't really talk and multiple times we had to write apology letters and read them aloud to her. one time when we did this , after we read her our letters , she brought up how she never met her dad and was raised in poverty , and along with other hardships , she would make herself cry and my sibling and i were forced to console her. another time when we were punished , she took away all of our electronics , and when they were reluctantly given back to us , my sibling and i saw the message on our lock screens that too many attempts had been made and another attempt could be made in a half hour. in other words , she had tried to get into our phones , likely to see if we were communicating with our mom and stepdad or our dad about our “aunt.” one of the days when we got in trouble , my sibling and i had enough and were downstairs , cursing about her. she had clearly been standing right there listening , because she flung open the door right after one of our comments and threatened to fly us back home and make sure our dad grounds us. i told her why she cant just give us back to our mom and stepdad , and she claimed she couldn't do that , and its either we fix our behavior or we go home - this is something she is not allowed to do. for flights to and from my mom's and my dad's , only my mom and dad can coordinate that. to anyone that needs to know the times and dates so they can make sure we’re packed and ready , they will be notified. otherwise , nobody else but my mom and dad are allowed to arrange flights for my sibling and i traveling to and from home.

but she had eavesdropped on us before , doing it an earlier visit after we went to bed and the door was closed. we were whisper complaining , but at one point my sibling stopped me and somebody walked away from the door. she would grab us by the arm or wrist a lot and sternly speak to us a couple inches from our faces , since we were 4 and 5 or 5 and 6. she told me once how we were embarrassing her. she often compared us to other children , saying the kids she would occasionally watch who were older than us acted better than us , and so did our baby cousins. one time when we were punished , she gave us a lecture on our behavior , saying when we get a job with our attitude , we will be fired and end up homeless with nobody to help us because of our behavior and disrespect. she targeted my sibling , one summer making my sibling feel bad for ruining my birthday and returned the gift , blaming my sibling for it. she made my sibling apologize to me and i had to console my sibling that night , who was crying uncontrollably and blaming themselves for everything. the next morning my "aunt" had placed a letter under my pillow , containing $20 inside and apologizing for my sibling's behavior - i tossed the letter and shared the money with my sibling. another time , my sibling got in trouble for something , and had to stay downstairs away from everyone. when they came up for dinner , they played with it , and my "aunt" said that if my sibling wasn't going to eat and just play with their food , then they could go back down to bed. my sibling left and went downstairs and i immediately excused myself too , so i could go be with my sibling. i comforted them and hugged them as they cried. one of the visits when we had to leave to go see our “aunt” , my sibling cried and screamed and my stepdad had to carry them out because there was nothing else that could be done - we had to go see them. only late last year did i realize that she was trying to live through my sibling and i , and i broke down crying.

my nana was my sibling’s and i’s favorite relative growing up until we were 12 and 13. growing up , she was nice , but was strict and oftentimes made rude comments about us , our home , or our parents ((including stepparent)). we just accepted these comments since there wasn't too much else that she was doing other than randomly being rude and self-centered. we didnt know the kind of person our nana was though until we were 12 and 13 , where we found out she was very manipulative and controlling. we wanted to spend a week , just one full week , with our mom , who is the person that i am doing these visits for , as she is the primary person we are here to see. my nana wasn't allowing it and expressed her lack of faith in my mom’s ability to parent and refused to listen to listen to my stepdad’s plea because he cussed at her out of frustration. my sibling and i cried and i had never yelled so loudly at anyone. i was just wanting to spend a week with my mom , but my nana refused to listen and said nobody had any control over the situation and my sibling and i have to deal with it. eventually she talked to my mom in private , and then came back crying and begging for forgiveness and allowed us to stay the rest of the summer break ((3 weeks)) with our mom , not forcing us to see anyone else. my mom told me though that from that incident , my nana believed that im autistic and my sibling is bipolar ((...because we were fighting back , yelling , and crying , demanding she let us spend time with our mom...)).

only after that did it get worse. she now had shown the manipulative and controlling aide of herself , so now every visit was more tense and she wasn't afraid to keep showing that side. she gaslit us , telling me back in 2020 that she had never done anything wrong to my sibling and i , right after an extremely minor situation got out of control because of her and she made it about herself , sending out an email blaming our mom , stepdad , aunt , uncle , and dad for raising us the way they did and letting us behave the way we do , and claiming my sibling and i were acting like visiting her was like getting bamboo shoved up our fingernails. our nana targeted my sibling as well throughout childhood , rarely trusting them and refusing to trust me when id try to stand up for them because ‘im just being their sibling and defending them.’ i was also only realizing shit she was doing our entire lives , such as making us visit everyone without complaints and keeping us away from our mom. although my mom wasn't well for a while , my nana kept us from her a lot because she had no faith in my mom’s ability to parent , and openly shamed her for her weight and body , once saying “do you want to end up looking like your mother?” to my sibling and i when we were younger and had wanted a snack an hour after not being able to finish our breakfast that morning. she had also tried forcing gender stereotypes on us and tried to make us grow up to be attractive women , wear girls clothing only , do housework while our grandpa doc worked , and be submissive to others. in 2017 or 18 when she learned of my hatred towards our "aunt" , she told me i need to stop holding unnecessary grudges and just get over it , because it does nothing but ruin relationships and it's not fair or respectful to people.

both my “aunt” and nana openly blamed our dad and family back home for our behaviors. my nana didnt like my dad in general because my mom’s claim that he had hit her while they were still married , and my nana had told me when i was 8 that my dad was the cause of the divorce and had expressed surprise about him being able to raise two children while single and in the military. my “aunt” just...hated everyone. she was rude to everyone , but always demanded respect in return. she would never talk to others but just watch them closely , but when anyone talked to her , she'd say very short responses in a harsh tone.

my sibling and i couldn't do anything. there was nobody for us to turn to. we knew that nobody would listen to us because we're "just being little kids" , and spring break of 2014 or 15 just cemented those worries. my nana claimed that she'd do something when we expressed to her the things our "aunt" had done up until that point , but she never did until my "aunt" and uncle got divorced in 2018 , kicking our "aunt" out of the family. our nana communicated with our dad about us flying to and from home to see our mom , and if we had opened up at all about our nana , if would've caused enormous problems and we likely wouldn't have been able to fly out to see our mom anymore. there was no escape from this family. our mom and stepdad knew about our "aunt" and nana , but couldn't do anything and told us to just go with the flow - which never worked , but nothing else could be done. my dad just excused our nana's behavior as part of her upbringing and being from a wealthy family , and we just have to be understanding of her - also didn't work because respect needs to be mutual not one-sided , otherwise you then have a controlling relationship. he did not seem to be aware of what she and our "aunt" were doing , as i had expressed one of the incidents of our "aunt" to my dad's former girlfriend's daughter in 2018 or 19 , and he overheard me , repeatedly saying "what the hell."

since there was nobody for us to talk to or anyone that would believe us , my sibling and i kept it to ourselves. all we could do was vent to each other , cry , complain about having to visit/stay with someone , and , something i very much recall: when i was 11 and my sibling was 10 , we both took out my old tablet and opened up a notes app , listing things we believe we were , putting down things like burdens , children , wastes of time , brats , ugly , and worthless. we saw little to no value in ourselves , and i only recently realized just the kind of impact our "aunt" and nana had on our mental healths at such young ages.

but now , everything has calmed down. i dont know why , but since 2021 it feels like everything that was wrong in my family completely stopped. my nana has chilled out a lot since the passing of her husband , though she still makes unwanted and rude comments time to time. i haven't seen or heard from our "aunt" since 2018 either. earlier that year , our mom told us that our "aunt" wanted us to keep her company after the divorce ((there's a certain term for it but i don't recall it)) , but we declined immediately because we knew she'd just use us for comfort and make us consolidate her at all times. im very glad i haven't seen her again , she had been abusive to our uncle too , whom i was very surprised to see was much nicer after he divorce. we were used to him being emotionally abusive towards us too , but after the divorce and he was much more friendly , i realized it was the influence she had on him that had made him be so hurtful in the past. im still frustrated at my nana for not taking into account the impact she had on my sibling and i and only caring about our uncle , especially because we had said something 4-5 years prior.

but despite all that...i for some reason never considered shing or disappearing or escaping. there was nothing else i could do , why did i never consider it? i only have since 2020 when my mental health started declining , but it was originally due to just general sewercidal thoughts and hating being depressed. but in the last couple of years , ive been having bad memories of how our nana and "aunt" used to treat us , and it partially became a reason why i wanted to commit. when i attempted back in 2021 , the reasons then were because of them , and being tired of being depressed , and thinking ill make everyone's lives better.

i just don't understand. when i had my first ideation at 11 , it wasn't due to family , but it was in the middle of the fucking 10+ years of abuse we faced. only at 15 and 16 did it bother me , and im finding it hard at 18 to be able to just. get past it.

i just don't understand. why did it never cross my mind? my thoughts at 11 should've been about family.

and i wish i had acted on them to get out of this hell.

#vent #tw sui mention #tw child trauma #tw abuse #long post

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prettyboykatsuki · 2 years

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Hey Ari. This might be kind of a weird and obvious question? But do you think having a partner has kind of influenced how you look at love? Because I don’t know, you post your thoughts about it a lot and I’ve always been more cynical about people and their intentions and romantic relationships in general because of personal stuff, but I also have never had someone like your boyfriend myself, and I’ve never had someone love me like that I don’t think I ever will because I’m me. I guess what I’m asking is how do you manage to always see life and love as so beautiful?

HI!!!!!

this isn't weird at all. i think in general i get this question a lot and for good reason since generally i have a very optimistic view of the world which is very ironic. i want to be clear im a very flawed person with many things that i personally struggle with especially in love. i struggle a lot with letting people know me or getting to know people. if we talk consistently im putting in a lot of effort bc i have a tendency for solitude. i love the people i talk to very deeply.

my boyfriends influence on my life has been profound. while i'd be devestated if we ever broke up, i think i would still be okay in the long run. before he's that i think he's the person i trust and care about more than any single person in the entire world because he is a profoundly loving partner. but he's also a good, kind, capable person.

i was also under the impression for a long time that i would never find love. there were many points in my relationships where i self-sabotaged because i felt undeserving. i had such a negative image and such a limited self-worth. even when i put in so much effort for so much of my life i couldn't push past the idea that i was a horrible human being. and i didnt want that from him. i tried leaving more than once in a very irrational low.

but i remember at a very low point in my relationship my boyfriend said something like "you trust me with every other choice ive made except loving you" and it completely shifted my view point. he was so right. why was it that i could let him do everything but love me?

ive always beeen enamored with romance. but allowing someone to love me without condition is still very hard because i don't know if i believe im a good person. my biggest lesson for people like that, like me - is that love is not something you earn or ask for. and compassion for life is something you develop with time.

when you find love, the hard part is not loving. it is letting yourself be recognized, acknowledged, cared for. to let someone scold you and know they will still love you the next day. acceptance that you will make mistakes and when you do - it's your responsibility to learn and grow from them. you are born with flaws and you will have flaws until you are dead.

and a persons choice to love you, really love you means that you understand they know that and you work on yourself because you love them too.

love, most of all, is an acknowledgement of a persons agency. their wholeness. when you acknowledge people that way and life that way - you learn peoples treatment of you is reflective of that wholeness. and the only way to see someone and love them is facing the challenge of your own life - you get me?

the best way to believe in love and celebrate life for me was to remember how having hope in my heart has helped me want to live. love and compassion and celebrating the world has helped me heal that discontent in my heart.

you have to learn to stop looking for the exit if you want to live a warm life. my boyfriends consistency was a blessing, but i also worked very hard to reach that in myself.

nothing about me is engimatic. im just one of my many and i think you will also be capable of love and being loved so completely.

i dont consider myself a very warm or bright person. but with time and patience and a lot of self-reflection - i came to terms with the only way to live life for me was to see it with compassion and empathy. i think love saved my life, and love for living is the only thing that helped my grow. it's all about my mindset, and my boyfriend has contributed greatly to changing that mindset.

but most of who i am started with me. it takes time and willpower. ive dedicated much of my life to the cause of wielding love. if you dont know about relationships, you can always start at you. but really there's nothing special about it.

#return to sender #idk how to tag this #but the complicated answer is yes he has but its mostly me who made me like this

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aurora1040 · 2 years

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Normally I am very positive about being disabled. Im always looking at the positive while acknowledging the struggles. I reblog jokes and memes to make light of my life while spreading awareness to my followers.

....but not today.

Today is a bad day for me. Today I hate how disabled I am. Today I hate how broken and dysfunctional I am. Today I found out thay I cant even PRETEND to have anything at all together with my parents who live an entire state away. Im so broken that I cant even FAKE it. And today, its hitting me really, really hard.

Ive been crying for almost a half hour straight. Today, life SUCKS and I feel AWFUL and BROKEN and like a complete FAILURE. I lost at the game of life. The friend who came to unlock my door yesterday while I was face down got some of our friends to come clean my apartment while I was gone and dont get me wrong, I am incrediblu greatful and indebted to them for their act of kindness. I didnt like that they saw my apartment in such a terrible state, but I could handle that. One of them called to let my mom know how bad it was and honestly, while Mom was the last person on earth I wanted to know, I could handle that, too.

No, what got me was after i got back home from the hospital, mom sent me a text that she and dad *already had plans to come around the end of september because they already knew how badly i was struggling.* Thats a whole 8 hour drive.

That. Is what got me in tears. That. is why today is awful. Why today i hate being disabled. I hate having exective dysfunction and adhd. I hate having unexplained fatigue. I hate that there appears to be absolutely no evidence whatsoever in my blood work or heart monitor at the hospital to explain why me going off of salt made my legs give out from underneath me. I hate that i dont know how to properly advocate for myself. I hate it i hate it HATE IT

For the first time in a long time, i habe actually, consciously feel and think that I am a failure. DONT COME AT ME SAYING IM NOT. I am ALLOWED to have days where I just feel too much and hate it all. regardless of if its true or not, *that is how i feel. That is what im thinking.* This is not my default state of mind. Tomorrow I will be back to my self, the negative thoughts processed and filed away for when i finally see the therapist again. My coping mechanisms will be functioning properly again.

Just let me have one day. just ONE DAY to hate my lot in life. Just ONE DAY to hate myself. you can come at me tomorrow to check in on me if you want. I am safe, i am fine, i am not going to hurt myself or anyone else.

I just.... needed to let my feelings exist. be typed out so it can be tangible. And now that it is, i can process and move on after i get some rest and more water.

If youve read this far, comment with just a ♡ or a ☆. Either one is fine. no words. no tagging. just a heart or a star.

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yutadori · 2 years

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holy crap oh my god . i just had a super ultra maximum vulnerable girl moment with my friend??? we were going home from the library and i made a comment about how i didnt want to go back home and she was like 'dew you want to talk about it 👁️' and i was like you know what . sure

and we did... like i actually talked about my concerns that i was kind of anxious to talk about and my friend was very understanding and she also acknowledged how i was feeling which was soooooo nice like holy shit it seems like a small gesture but it really feels so validating to have someone listen to you, and then tell you that they like . Understand . instead of being dismissed .

i also told her how i feel like people expect me to fail and how my family members have actually said that to me to my face and as a result its made it really difficult to have any sort of faith in myself u__u and then she said?!?!? that they (her + our friends) don't think im going to fail and they all believe me and think i have potential . it was insane because typically words like that dont have much of an effect on me, but i Really sat and thought about what she said and what those words actually meant and like . i dont know it just felt sooooo healing and nice to hear that my anxieties werent true

i also ended up crying in front of her lol.... thank god i didnt start . Sobbing i LITERALLY was clenching my teeth soooooo fucking hard whenever it felt like i was going to start sobbing jsksjshssiuhszks but she's the FIRST person who ive cried in front of in YEARS like literal actual years . and it didnt feel bad because we werent like holding eye contact the whole time like i would look out the window of her car and so would she and then we'd make eye contact every now and then which didnt feel weird and it was also nice that she did a lot of talking so i didnt have to because i think that would have made the crying worse jdsksjss

yeah that was just... so nice and insanely cathartic like holy shid... ive been really stressed lately because of job searching and school and i havent really allowed myself to properly feel my emotions so it was really nice to finally do so in a healthy way with my friend reassuring me... wow...

#ALSO WE HUGGED WHICH WAS SOOOOOO NICE 😭😭😭#i havent hugged someone in soooo long oh ny god its been months...#then we had a talk about that too bc while we were hugging she was talking about how hugging = dopamine or whatever #and the thing is for as long as ive known her shes been uncomfortable with physical contact like that and i asked her if thats #changed and she said yeah its just that shes rarely the initiator but ahe will accept it #and i was like omg...... this changes everything #but yeah wow that was so healing #she said soooo many nice and thoughtful things and she helped quell my anxiety about a lot of things i was worried about ;;;#sun texts

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hiraya-rawr · 2 years

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Hi, I saw you and everyone else mentioning yours and their own college/university experiences, so I wanted to share my own.

Growing up, I had a lot of different dreams, some feasible and others most certainly not. But when I got into high school, I had finally figured out what I wanted to do in life: I wanted to become a teacher. I've always loved working with kids, and a few students got tutored by me in math, which was my weakest subject and yet they came back with fantastic results and they encouraged me to pursue the educational field. So a new dream as born.

I told my parents about it, and they both promptly shut me down; my father did not believe in going to university for a well paying job (he's very old fashioned), and my mom didn't think teaching would make me enough money. I was deflated, and a lot of the options my mom wanted me to be were simply out of my reach in terms of grades, and I didn't (and still don't) think I was pretty enough to pull off being a house wife (besides, I'm not in any romantic relationships anyways).

So, I ended up studying business- as a finance major. It was one of the few things my parents could both begrudgingly allow me to do, so I leaped at the opportunity and went to study it for two years, and graduated with a diploma in finance.

However, during my final semester in the program, I already had a gut feeling that finance wasn't what I wanted to do; it felt so grim, empty, and most of all, dirty and like I was taking advantage of the financial positions of my would-be clients to look for ways to increase my own, or a companies profit. I figured that this wasn't going to work, but stayed to graduate because I had already gotten that far, and I felt that if I did not graduate, then my parents would never let me attend school again.

Then, the year 2020 came, the year I graduated, and suddenly, a pandemic had started and I couldn't even attend my own ceremony. There weren't a lot of jobs open, and things were looking pretty bleak. But then I started to recall my old dream of becoming a teacher since I had all this time off to think about myself and my life, and what I wanted, and started to wonder if it was still an option for me; I looked at my options and it looked like there were a few different paths I could take to get me back on track for my original dream.

I ended up applying to another school for a year of open studies; this was to increase my GPA, as well as to make sure I finished with meeting any other high school requirements that I didn't meet. The year went pretty well, aside from me having stomach issues starting from January of this year (Still on-going, slowly seeing professionals to get it fixed).

Just about two weeks ago, I got a letter in the mail saying that I was accepted into the Education program. The program is fixed to be 4 years long, and I'm currently 24.

It took a long time, and I still have a rough path in front of me to actually graduate from this program, but I don't regret working hard to come back to it and achieve what I actually want. Even if it is when I'm older; during my year of open studies, I had a classmate in a public speaking class; they told us all, that their father took 11 years before he graduated university because he kept switching his major. They also said that their father is now happy in life because of it, and because they found something they actually enjoy.

I think the biggest take-away from my story here is; follow your guts and do what you want to do; but also acknowledge the fact that it's never too late to change your path. This is your life, you are the one in control. Just like how I took back control of mine, I hope you all decide to do whatever makes you feel happiest and most fulfilled in life.

Since it's college-hunting season, these stories have been really helpful (even to me as a college freshman ending my first year!!)

This story in particular is beautiful 🥺 side note but I've also wanted to teach (Ive been an acting teacher before for grade schoolers), but perhaps not as an official profession because I'm pretty happy with my current course! Then I learned that a lot of my professors are encouraging us to take at least a year or two of teaching once we graduate heheheh since college subjects need specialties of their field. So I'm planning to take a year and teach arts and drafting! Just to fulfill that little dream.

Thank you for sharing!!

#hira replies #college #college advice

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nebucat · 2 years

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vent rant mostly just me talking my thoughts out

pretty much my situation boils down to

i really want to and have wanted to leave this place for a long long time, but its very very hard to because housing is expensive, i have a cat and only certain places allow cats, and i didn’t want to have to ask my parent for help because it would hurt my pride and i resent them a lot for how they have treated me but at the same time i don’t know how to DO things because HAHA neglect and depression. i was ready to completely cut them off. i dislike having to depend on them. i dislike feeling incapable and like i cant do things by myself so its made living here feel very hopeless and apathetic for me.

ive also been very very bad at taking care of my room for a mixture of reasons correlating with my mental health and they’ve offered to actually just help me redo my whole room and want to reconnect with me, and have at least acknowledged that they’ve been neglectful of me.

so i feel very conflicted about this whole thing. i really thought i’d just leave. i didn’t want to have to be staying here. but realistically it’s probably the easiest and safest option for me, even if i’m not happy about the thought of continuing to live under this roof. so its like a resigned sort of feeling i’m getting i guess.

i’m allowing them to help me with my room but i just. i don’t know. i’m having a lot of mixed feelings about it all, especially the thought of ‘reconnecting’ ... the thought of it makes me feel kind of angry honestly? because i haven’t even been able to really GET AWAY from this place even if i’ve emotionally and mentally distanced myself the fuck away to at least make it bearable. i don’t think they understand the extent of how much pain they put me through and i don’t know if theyre even able to understand it. and i know there is no way in hell i will be able to actually emotionally invest myself in a reconnection if i still feel like i’m not being heard and supported. and like. again i was fucking READY to just cut them off and accept that they were pretty much dead to me. it’s BEEN that way for years. it feels like it should be too late. it FEELS too late. why else would i just be bitter about this?? like yeah, there’s a small part of me that is hopeful but ive had that part of me betrayed so many times in the past by them that i’m reluctant to even try to feel hopeful about this.

i don’t know. i don’t want to spend time with them or be around them. i just don’t. and i don’t know if theyre going to actually accept that or if this is all transactional and they’re EXPECTING me to want to be around them.

just... yeah. i dont know. there’s a lot. too much. but i guess we’ll just see what happens ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#vent #welcome back to the never ending saga of me hating my home situation

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milo-is-rambling · 4 months

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Couldn’t sleep so I went to get up thinking oh I’ll have to grind weed so I can fall back asleep and then I thought no I’ll take a a dab but I thought no that’s too much I’ll just smoke flower and then I went to get up and I accidentally lifted my blanket too high and knocked over the little jar I had on my bedside table that had ALLL OF THE INCENSE STICKS IVE COLLECTED FROM THE LAST TWO YEARS IN IT. So I breathed. And I breathed. And I turned my light on. And I got really annoyed and picked up small sticks that blend in with my floor for five minutes and then I breathed some more and couldn’t fit all the sticks back in the jar bc they’d been placed meticulously so they all laid perfectly against one side so there was still room to put more and I was not about to individually put all those sticks in that jar when all I wanted to do was to smoke and take off the heavier blanket and pass out. So I moved the incense sticks to my skull jar that I haven’t used in a while and now it looks like this.

But I did earn a dab being allowed from my brain in the process. So yay me. Also funk has been absolutely SCREAMING at me at the top of his little bird lungs bc I turned the light on to smoke and play accidental pick up sticks for twenty minutes and it’s giving me a headache and it’s just like godddddd how can everything go so wrong so fast not just me knocking over a jar of sticks but like. Life. Something about me collecting all my incense sticks and ash since I first moved into this house two years ago and then accidentally dropping the sticks like two days after I accidentally spilled incense ash all over my bed and didn’t even tell anyone cause it made me so annoyed and ashamed for some reason and I can’t even explain why I’m collecting the sticks or the ash. Like I have no fucking clue what I’m doing or why. I started collecting incense ash like three years ago when my friend and I went thru a ooo witchcraft phase and I just never stopped dumping the ash from my ashtray into a cheese container with a small plastic spoon like I don’t even know why I’m doing it I just set myself down this path and now I’m here and I’m attached to a jar of fucking kindling at this point like why did I cry over knocking over a jar of sticks what is wrong with me does it ever get easier why have I been taking my meds for almost 100 days and I still lose my shit over little things I feel like I will never be normal I will never get to be the person that will make my parents proud I feel like I’m constantly gonna be finding myself making one wrong move and ruin the thing I’m doing just to pretend I’m doing something with my life like I don’t even know what I want to do in the future there’s so many options everything is so scary forever I went to Walmart and I wanted to crawl into the squishmallow display and just die like if one more person looks at me and acknowledges I have a body I feel like I’ll lose my shit like oh my god I know I’m mentally ill but fucking hell. Just give me a break (I say while not having a job not doing school not even doing theater rn I’m just sitting at home in my brain and losing my mind waiting for therapy on the third) I’m so close to having someone to help me untangle my brain I really want to open up I want to feel like I can I want to remember shit I always forget I want to avoid crisis modes and be normal I want to get a job I want to shut up. Literally ever. If I could ever at any point learn to shut my fucking mouth and brain mouth up at the same time. Would be fucking fantastic. It seems impossible. Either I’m not thinking when I’m talking and then I’m an asshole or I’m not talking bc I’m thinking so hard about how I’m an asshole. Like either way in my head I am a shitty person forever and like I know I’ve been shitty like I know I’ve done shitty things but like I’m not broken forever I know there’s food in here but I need someone else to force me to see it bc I can’t find it on my own and I don’t trust it when it comes from my family or friends and a part of my brain says oh ur paying ur therapist to say that

But i want a therapist who will call me out on my bullshit and would tell me if I was being the asshole in the situation yknow. Anyways this is a lot of text and I’m not going to reread it all have fun going to the internet rambling blog void block of text goodbye gonna smoke a bowl and pass the fuck out hopefully my back and neck will stop hurting and I will stop being too hot and too cold at the same time and I will not have nightmares about past relationships or future relationships or picking incense sticks up for forever and they all match the color of the carpet and also it’s fine cause they look better in the skull jar and it’s fine and it doesn’t make me irrationally mad still even tho I picked them all up but I don’t know for sure if I got them all but I think I did but it’s going to bother me if I find them on my floor tomorrow. Okay bye

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savethepinecones · 5 months

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ive got asthma. i run across a crosswalk and i end up wheezing for a good ten minutes. i dont have much stamina or speed and my asthma limits my ability to even improve these. i have an inhaler that im supposed to use multiple times per day and another one that i use whenever my breathing gets bad.

ive had the asthma since i was a baby, but because i wasnt very active (i was more of a music kid than a sports kid), for a long time it didnt have much of an impact on my life. for a solid chunk of my childhood i more or less forgot i had it at all. sure i would get winded easily but thats normal when youre out of shape right? i never excercised so it must just be that.

in the past several years, though, its gotten worse. wildfires affected air quality in my area and i started to occasionally have trouble breathing just from being outside for too long. i finally went to a doctor and got an inhaler (i hadnt bothered to get one in years since i used it so rarely and even if i didnt my breathing would sort itself out. eventually). currently ive got one that im supposed to use multiple times a day and another that i carry with me to use if i get winded while im out and about. even with these, i still cant run much without it affecting my breathing. i dont especially enjoy running so im not too upset by the lack of it in my life but its frustrating that i cant do it on the occasion that i want or need to do so.

ive had a similar journey with my mental health. i ignored it as a kid, convinced myself everything was fine and normal, until i eventually had to admit to myself that that wasnt the case. what most people considered a brisk walk or light jog was more like running a marathon for me. i only worked parttime for years until i was able to get on antidepressants because i knew fulltime would be too much for me without them. when i did start taking meds, it was still difficult but technically possible.

i managed to keep my pace up for two years before i hit a limit i couldnt force myself to push through. whether id finished the marathon or not, i couldnt keep running. so i took a break. i sat down on a bench, drank some water, and waited for my breathing to slow as i watched others run past, going at a similar speed to what id been keeping, but barely looking winded. i knew i wouldnt be able to return to my previous pace. even once my breathing evened out, i was still exhausted. and i couldnt just will that exhaustion away. i tried anyway. once my lungs had stopped hurting, i stood up and started running again. my legs still ached and my breathing quickly worsened but i had to keep moving so i ignored as much as i could and endured the rest. i stopped several times to take a break but i didnt allow myself to sit again. this went on for maybe two weeks before my legs gave out and i had to find another bench.

since then ive been catching my breath. letting my burning limbs rest. i decided that once i was well and truly ready to start running again, i would go slow enough that i could keep a steady pace without wearing myself out. i probably wont work fulltime ever again.

ive more or less caught my breath but my legs are killing me so even though i want to keep moving, im going to go slow. im walking slowly, gradually picking up the pace while being careful not to push myself too hard. its difficult. im not used to acknowledging my limits. i spent two decades thinking that as long as i didnt collapse i was fine. i hadnt allowed myself to slow whenever my breathing became labored. my lungs would ache but i would continue on my sprint regardless. sometimes i still push myself too hard. other times i think im not running fast enough. i catch myself thinking that even if i cant run like everyone else is, i should do as much as i can. i should determine what my limit is and stay just a hair below that speed. its not comfortable, but this has never been comfortable, so what does that matter?

no, i tell myself. your comfort matters. go at whatever speed works for you. i repeat this to myself as i continue to walk. sometimes i jog a little. im surprised to find it enjoyable. ive always been too exhausted to enjoy the run. still, everyone else maintains the same speed theyve had from the start. they look at me walking and criticize me for not running seriously. some say ive had enough time to catch my breath, so i should get back to sprinting now. i tell them i dont think i should. they say im not trying hard enough.

sometimes i look at the people running past and feel guilty for not keeping pace. like ive let myself down somehow. i remind myself that this isnt a race, its more of a jogging path. im allowed to walk if i need to. people run past, scoffing at me for giving up. i havent given up, i want to tell them. im still walking. still making progress.

someone grabs my arm, pulling me forward. forcing me to match their speed. i know theyre trying to help me, but im tripping over my feet in my struggle to keep up. theyre struggling too, i can tell, but they wont allow themselves to stop or slow. you need to do better, they tell me. tiredness is no excuse. i dont know how to explain to them that i passed tired long ago. i pull my arm away. i cant keep up with you. and thats okay. no its not, they tell me. you must run like the rest of us. walking isnt even close to good enough. they run ahead. i jog for a few minutes, enjoying the run, then stop at a bench for a water break. i begin walking again. i remind myself that thats enough.

#idk what this is its late and ive had a shit day #also its 3 am which certainly doesnt help #ive been thinking about the difference between neurotypical standards of functionality and my own #like if neurotypical 100% is working fulltime eating properly socializing maintaining relationships staying on top of chores etc #then reminding myself to eat three times a day and attempting to fix my sleep schedule is a pretty low percentage #even at my best ill never approach that 100%#my ideal would be something like 75% on that scale #and even that is probably out of my reach realistically #at least for the foreseeable future #idk i just feel like people see that im not working #and assume im not trying at all #when the truth is im genuinely doing my best #anyway feel free to reblog #im not sure if this even makes sense but im just tired enough to think that ive just written something brilliant lol #this was more or less just stream of consciousness so sorry if its inconsistent #im too tired to try to edit it so im just sending this massive block of text into the universe as is

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