Once Ellie learns what a sleepover is, she regularly bullies Tommy into having them with her (he goes willingly but he makes her work for it nevertheless).
He's not only the cool Uncle tm but also the person she can talk to about stuff she doesn't always want to talk to Joel about, either because it would make him worry a lot or because it would be an incredibly awkward conversation she has no intention of having with him. Tommy knows how to keep a secret and he would never betray Ellie's trust.
They maneuver mattresses onto the living room floor and eat enough sugar to kill a small toddler. Most of the time, their nights consist of Ellie doing weird shit to his hair and painful face masks that she discovers in old magazines, watching movies Joel either deeply dislikes or doesn't want her to watch (trying to protect the last of her innocence, sweet attempt but futile, since nothing of that is left anyway), and gossiping; Tommy is GREAT at gossip.
Joel is a bit jealous that he isn't invited, but when he comes to pick her up in the mornings and sees her curled up with Tommy the exact same way he and Sarah would when he made his brother babysit, the bittersweet surge of affection is worth the comparably lonely night in his bed.
Ellie deserves every bit of family she can get.
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— YOU’RE NOT FINE
pairing(s) - drunk!joel miller x comforting!reader
word count - 1,420
warnings - light cursing, lots of angst, mentions of alcohol and being drunk, mentions of death / trauma, verbal argument, non direct mentions of suicide.
proofread? - yes
note from author - i hope this does justice
summary - joel is grieving on sarah’s birthday, years after her death. he drinks way too much and comfort ensues.
You and Tommy were both well aware of Joel’s seasonal depression and how severe it got - usually a few days before Sarah’s birthday.
While it never tended to be too concerning, you knew that something was especially off - your gut feeling didn’t help soothe your anxiety either.
A sneaking suspicion that Joel wasn’t in a good state of mind whatsoever, caused you to go to his house. You didn’t even bother knocking, that’s how worried you were.
You opened the door gently, knowing he probably hadn’t locked it - you were met by the strong smell of bourbon in the air.
He heard the door and spoke to you from the couch, a bottle in his hand. “The…hell d’ya…w-want?” He grumbled drunkenly.
You sighed. “Jesus Joel…” You started as you let the door close behind you.
“I haven’t seen you all day, I was worried you-“ But I didn’t finish my sentence - knowing what he had tried to do all those years ago.
I looked around the house now, waiting for him to speak. I noticed it’s mess. The empty bottles everywhere…
He looked at you before the next bout of words escaped him. “I’m fi…just fin-..” He couldn’t even speak properly.
He tried his best to maintain a level-headed tone and remain in control of the situation. It was a clear struggle given his current state.
His fingers wrapped around the bottle as he took a swig. “Leave…”
You had been friends for a few years now so, you had seen Joel in his anual depressed states a few times.
You shook your head responding to him. “No.” You stated. “I’m not going anywhere - not with you like this.”
Joel watched as you moved toward the couch, sitting at the opposite end. His expression showed clear disapproval. “I’m f-fine, alright?!”
Your presence likely triggered him in this state, but the alcohol exacerbated his feelings ten-fold. Despite his irritation, he knew you were coming from a place of concern - not that he would admit that.
He took another swig of bourbon, and tried to adjust his position on the couch.
You looked at him with sheer concern. “You’re not fine, Joel.” You tried to keep your voice calm, but you were getting more and more agitated with his words.
You knew what you were going to say next would cause an argument - but he needed to hear it.
“…would she really want you to be grieving her like this?”
Joel’s eyebrows narrowed at the unexpected reference to his daughter.
He lowered the bottle and gave you a look of dissatisfaction at such an inopportune time - he wanted nothing more than to be alone, and drown his sorrows.
“Don’t.” He warned you.
He trailed off, then took another sip - clearly not wanting to engage in this conversation anymore.
You shook your head again as you turned your body to face him.
“You know that I’m right - she wouldn’t want to see you like this.”
His gaze shifted away from you, as he couldn’t bring himself to meet your eyes.
“J-jus’, leave me be…go home…”
He was quick to dismiss your remarks and how his current state of his mind made him feel in regards to your intervention.
His hand found the bottle once more, bringing it with him as he scooted away from you.
“Joel, please…” You sighed with worry. He was just as stubborn as you, if not more so.
You stood abruptly and snagged the bottle from his hands and started pouring it down the kitchen sink. “If you won’t help yourself - I’ll just make it easier.” You left the empty bottle in the sink.
“I tried to comfort you, but clearly that’s not working.” You were frustrated and just wanted him to vent to you - anything but denying how he was feeling.
He watched as you took the bourbon, and emptied it in the sink. His blood boiled as he watched his only coping mechanism get chucked down the drain. “Oh, reall-?!”
He trailed off. “I can take care of myself!”
You turned on your heel and pointed a finger towards him.
“No you can’t!” You were pissed now, more so because he worried you.
“I get it Joel - you miss her immensely but, drinking until you shit-the-bed isn’t taking care of yourself!”
Joel winced at your harsh words feeling them strike a raw nerve - he couldn’t even deny that it was true. “I don’t need your help…”
He shifted his legs while on the couch, turning to face you with a tinge of annoyance mixed with regret. “I…w- don’t need anyone’s help on this!”
You sighed before crouched in front of him. “Please…” You mumbled, pausing to reach for his hand. “Let me help you…”
The contact with your fingers made him instinctively shudder. He didn’t want the comfort or the sympathy - to feel like a burden. Especially to you.
He tried to pull his hand away but decided against it. “I…I jus’ nee-…”
He paused, realizing his words of defiance. He could feel his emotions bubbling as he fought against them - tears welded in his eyes. “…I need…her back!”
You didn’t respond, you just pulled him into a hug.
Joel didn’t fight back against your hug, he simply folded into your embrace as he was reduced to tears.
“I jus’…I just want it to st-stop!” He sniffled, his voice breaking as he spoke.
He tried to keep his emotions reserved, but he couldn’t deny the cathartic effect of someone listening without judgement or comments.
You pulled away from he hug, but you still stayed close to him. “You don’t have to hide your feelings from me…it’s okay to feel things, Joel.”
Joel’s emotions continued to get the best of him, he tried his best to reign them in - but the floodgates had already been torn open. “I’m…I’m sick of…”
He took a brief moment to find his words, taking a breath to compose himself as he tried to maintain his dignity in front of you. “I can’t…keep feeling empty because of her loss…”
You understood what he felt. Loss was a big part of this world now - nothing ever lasted. “It’s always going to hurt but…it gets easier.” You continued. “Especially if you stop blaming yourself…it’s not your fault, what happened.”
Joel’s heart felt some amount of warmth at your words, as they gave him hope for the future - but they also caused him to feel somewhat conflicted, given that he was unable to accept the fact that there were people who cared.
He didn’t fight back as you spoke, as he simply looked down at the floor - listening intently to your advice. “I…I know you’re right…”
“Do you want to talk more about it…” You asked gently looking at him. You were there to listen, help and to care. “…or maybe you should just rest?” You suggested.
He took a few moments to contemplate your question, considering his options. But he was done talking. “I think…I…I jus’ wanna’ get some sleep.” He tone was tired and weak, it was clear he needed to sleep off his current state.
You stood to help him up, clearly he couldn’t walk in his drunken state.
Joel let your assistance guide him towards his bedroom. He felt weak in his legs, but he didn’t argue against your help. The weight of grief took a serious toll on him. As you both entered the room, Joel sat on the bed and immediately fell into it with a sigh.
You moved back into the doorway of the bedroom before you spoke. “Ok, goodnight then. I’ll um, I’ll come back to check on you in the morning. Ok?”
Joel’s head rested against the pillow, but his eyes remained open - he wasn’t able to fall asleep yet as his mind was still racing. “S-stay, if you want…” He offered with more clarity.
But, you shook your head. You knew all too well that staying, was a bad idea. “I’ll just come back in the morning.”
He was reluctant to dismiss your presence and offer, but he knew your actions made the most sense. “Fine, I’ll get…some sleep.” His eyes closed with a weak yawn, and his breathing grew heavy as he fell into a deep sleep.
You watched him for a moment before turning his light off and shutting his door - leaving his home with the strong smell of bourbon still lingering.
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Would love to hear u talk more about Clem and Minnie mirroring one another if u haven’t already 🦅
i have Not >:) cracks knuckles
talking about minnie can be hard since she Really only exists in eps 3 and 4. eps 1 and 2 keep the twins pretty mysterious we only learn a few things about them. i think the most important thing we know about them tho is that they (or at least minnie) provided a sense of relief for the ericson kids. tenn saying how minnie would sing them "dont be afraid" when they were feeling scared. i think its safe to assume she wrote the song Specifically to have a way to make the other kids feel better when things were rough
when the twins die the kids lose this emotional support and we can tell its been hard on all of them (some more than others). but then in comes clementine. our girl whos been carrying the "light in the darkness" motif since season 1. and although she got that shit a little dirty in seasons 2 and 3 (ava going off in s3 about how clem and aj are light and hope and shit so we're still supposed to see it (and recognize that clem has become so Dark in s3 without aj)), she got her light back when she got aj back and she'll die protecting him
clem (and aj) fall very quickly into the hole the twins left. now its clem who makes them feel safe. first with finding them food then protecting them against the raiders ("youre our savior clem" "we were more scared than we let on when you met us. you made that go away"). its not an accident theyre put up in the twins room. and with the way violet grabs the frame and looks at it sadly we can even assume clem sleeps in minnies old bed (also the old torn down paintings seem to only be on ajs side of the room and hes got his whole "i wanna be an artist too" thing going on). clem has unintentionally taken on minnies old role of making the kids feel safe and reassured
then we finally meet minnie. and based on how the others described her there is definitely a piece of herself that shes lost (that shes killed). her light is gone now. and although her motivations have been warped, they remain the same. i do genuinely believe she is still trying to protect the ericson kids and do whats best for them, but just in the only way she thinks she can to stop more people from dying. she might even think the pros of living with the delta are worth the cons. clementine is the one teaching them to fight back but minnie knows from experience that fighting back just gets you killed, so she feels like if she can just stop clementine then everything will be fine ("youre the FUCKING problem here" "i wont let you get them all killed" and she does seem genuinely concerned if clem and vi are fighting in the cell. and obviously we know she doesnt want anything to happen to tenn). both minnie and clem want to protect the ericson kids they just have conflicting opinions about which is the right way to do it. but minnie Does show her ass when she ends her "if you just do what they say you can live" speech with "you can be rewarded just like i am" 👀 oh girl... she didnt just give up she gave in. killing sophie was her breaking point and i really wish we knew more about how that scene went down outside of lillys dramatic retelling i would like to see it objectively please. but based on the way lilly tells it, minnie (im sure begrudgingly) accepted her place at the delta before it even came to that, and was probably just pulled along by sophie when she tried to escape. which is probably why (im assuming) lilly gave her the choice to kill sophie to stay with the delta (her New family), and she did... she kills a piece of herself when she does this (only compounded by the twin imagery), and i think her seeing clem fight back reminds her of sophie and brings all those feelings to the surface. and if she can just kill clem everything will be ok, cuz it worked last time....
minnie singing "dont be afraid" when attacking them on the bridge. a song that once brought them peace now being used to herald death. but since she approaches already singing it she was probably singing it to soothe herself as she succumbs to her bite, walking away from the wreckage she blames on clem, her delta family dead (she Did care about them in a fucked up way), using a herd of walkers against them the same way clem used a herd of walkers to attack the boat. all minnie cares about at this point is finding tenn, and she does, and shes gonna take him with her. just like clem looking for aj, finding him, and taking him. but where clem would die to protect aj, minnie wants to kill tenn to take him "home" with her. add to this ajs feelings about ending up alone without clem and wanting to be walkers together if it came to it. this is why tenn dying on the bridge feels narratively fulfilling to me even tho i hate it 😭 tenn wants to be with minnie (and sophie and their parents) and death doesnt scare him. it kinda comforts him. him and minnie dying together here is like the dark fate clem and aj barely avoid
and then vi fitting into this as she became tenns caretaker after the twins left. she also wants whats best for him so her and minerva fighting at the end for tenn is interesting. especially since violet (and louis but he wasnt tenns caretaker the way vi was) can die throwing him over the gap. i like the layers violet adds to being in the bridge scene, and it makes it even more sad when she cant protect him because thats all shes been trying to do since before clem and aj even showed up. plus aj shooting tenn puts violet in a similar position to louis in regards to marlons death
i really love the ways violets route adds to all the minnie and tenn stuff. and the way we can see clems influence change her. how a saved violet is ready to fight with clem but a kidnapped violet believes in minnies goals and thinks giving up is the safest plan for everyone. because regardless if you save her or not violet ALSO wants to keep the ericson kids safe and just doesnt know the best way to do it. clem encourages violet to step up and minnie encourages violet to give up (warping her character growth which is why i cant Not save her 😭 and the betrayal of it all). using violet as a common denominator is another way to differentiate between clem and minnie. then throw the romance on top of that.... you can see why i get a little...Sillay.. this is ALSO why i dont like vinerva in any romantic capacity post the events of ep3 and why i love seeing vi with clem. its what they each encourage in her. minnies weakness, clems strength.... why seeing vi and minnie fight clem makes me want to cry but seeing clem and vi fight minnie makes me jump off the walls LETS GOOO
and i havent even talked about lilly yet.... how if lee took lilly up on her offer in S1 about stealing the RV together clem couldve ended up in her custody.... i definitely believe clem looks at minnie and sees some broken scared part of herself in there. she is Fiercely Loyal and would do anything for her family so if she was raised (or broken) in that environment (and it seems very "ends justify the means" with the delta as it sounds like its actually pretty good over there if you can look past the intimidation and torture and kidnapping) i could definitely see her being the one standing behind lilly in some other universe. its what lilly still tries to do with her but its too late (and so lilly tries it with aj instead which is still a way to get to clem). but clems grown now and shes been making her own choices for a long time. shes already been through this with the new frontier (and hell even with carver at howes). she'd die before she gave in. and minnie made the choice to kill her sister to save herself
even with the little info we actually have on minnie she still works pretty well as a foil to clem. this is why i find it easier to talk about minnie when comparing her to clem like i feel like its her main purpose. i feel like theres still more i could say its just eluding me. its not a coincidence that minnie almost takes clem down with her in the end. why shes the reason clems able to get bit. minnie blames clem for her own demise and she's gonna get in one last fuck you. and minnies fate is one clem is desperately trying to avoid. kinda 👀 to be taken down by your narrative foil
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Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu-
Kinda rambly but im getting tired of tragic fathers who lost a young daughter. It’s almost always a young daughter; someone who represents innocence and the father’s capacity to love, and is at an age were the kid sees the dad as everything.
Nothing against the trope itself, but how about a story in which the kid HAS a character beyond being the dad’s tragic figure. Gimme a story about a teen who reached an age that made them realize that the way they see the world and the way their dad sees the world is different. Gimme a story in which the dad and kid get into arguments about their views and ideas. Gimme a story in which, even after all of that, the dad still mourns the kid the same way he does in the clichè because when all is said and done that is still HIS kid and maybe he shouldnt have wasted so much time arguing, and maybe they should’ve learned to communicate despite having different worldviews, and maybe he shouldve been more aware of how much he loves them while they were alive, and maybe it shouldn’t have taken literal death for him to realize that he shouldnt have been so stubborn, that he should’ve accepted that his kid is a person individually from him
I dunno, just not make the dead kid an idea rather than a layered character
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if someone else shows more than two indications that they like a thing that's a good, normal way to tell they like that thing, which is normal, because people like things. but if I have more than two indications of liking a thing that means i am irrevocably obsessed with the thing in a way that deserves mockery actually. this is a worldview that makes sense
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Man I am so easily affected by someone's energy
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theres several obvious parallels between bruce wayne and joel miller and the more i think about it the more i find...relatively young when you become a father the first time...lost your child and it ruined you and reshaped you, and struggled with how much you love the next one that comes into your life...your child makes so many goddamn puns, they're silly and loud and really fucking clever and a fast learner and have your back and you're in constant awe of them. you are soo Exceptionally bad at expressing as much
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writes 6k words of my tmnt human au apocalypse au
*watches the first episode of tlou*
awkwardly goes back to google docs to do some major re-editing
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for @ellie-licious, love you meg <3
-
Ellie doesn't sleep.
She should, every cell in her body is begging her for a break, exhaustion puling on her bones, but she can't. Her skin is clean of blood, hair brushed out and tied back again by Joel when she couldn't get her hands to listen to her long enough to do it herself, but still. Ellie can't sleep.
The fire has died down over the last few hours, but the glowing wood continues to ward off the cold, and Joel's chest against her back keeps her warm. It's the safest she has been in ages, knife in her hand, gun a few inches away, and with Joel finally awake and capable of protecting her if needed. For some reason, it makes everything worse.
Paranoia comes to life beneath her skin, bugs crawling all over her body, making her itch, and her breaths are oddly light without the weight of her panic, only Joel behind her keeping her tethered to the ground or she would float away with the last wisps of smoke rising from the campfire. Whenever she closes her eyes, there's none of the darkness she would welcome at this point, just a sea of red pulsating to the beat of her heart.
Joel's left hand rests on the wooden floorboards below them right beside her thigh, fingers splayed out to keep them from shaking; the tremors started when he brushed against her hip and she flinched so violently it almost send both of them toppling to the floor. They still haven't stopped. Maybe she should be the one shaking, but despite the electricity in her veins jerking her back to the present whenever she gets too close to drifting off, her body is cold and still.
She feels like a statue, pristine marble forever changed by the imprints of angry hands around her wrists, her arms, her chest, her-
No amount of sculpting will smooth out the marks she will have to carry around with her until her body finally gives out and decomposes, peace and innocence found only in the cool dirt where fire and ash can no longer reach her, safe from the snow.
"Joel."
It is the first word she has said since he found her, and Ellie slides down a bit when he shifts, startled, hands fluttering uselessly in her periphery, too scared to touch, of what her reaction might reveal. She hasn't been able to look at him, not since he washed the blood off her face with movements so gentle her mind almost didn't trust them to be genuine.
Ellie turns around now and kneels in front of him, lowering the knife to the floor, vision so clear his features are almost piercingly bright.
"Joel, I'm cold."
Hold me, she wants to say, would say if her voice wasn't so broken she is scared it will turn soft words sharp. Make it go away, make me feel something else, something good.
She is still wearing the same sweatshirt, blood sprinkled along the neckline, smelling of metal and smoke and whatever remains of her innocence, and she can't decide if she wants to throw it into the fire and see it go up in flames or keep it close to her chest as a reminder that he is dead, that she killed him, that he won't come after her.
Joel is quiet, features pained, concerned, rage barely contained, and she wonders if seeing him kill David would have brought her the same relief or if this was something she simply had to do on her own.
Help me.
His hands are safe, she has seen them damaged and bloodied after beating someone to death for her, felt them taking hers and pulling her behind him, the last line of defense between her and a world that seemed determined to take the parts everyone else had left behind, too rotten for them to be of use.
The knife clatters to the floor, knuckles aching with the sudden relief, and then she is falling into him, clinging to his chest and begging him to cling to her, too, to not let her drift away or seep into the frozen dirt, to keep her alive, real. Joel is warm, so warm, his body melting beneath her and rearranging itself to spin a cocoon around her, weaving and stitching his words into her skin. He smells like fire and gunpowder, protection, like blood and the basement she knows will be haunting both their dreams, still alive, like cold snow and the promise of spring.
I got you, baby girl. I've got you right here.
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Mmmm thinking about zombies again... :]
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up until this point i feel like hbo’s tlou has been pretty good at expanding upon pre-existing content from the game, but for me this new episode was kinda mid..
i wouldve liked to see more expansion on sam and henrys story, or maybe even kyle and ish?? (loved that story)(they showed the drawing of them for a half second and they renamed kyle for no reason 💀). but instead we get introduced to this kathleen (?? can barely remember her name) lady who i couldnt get myself to care about. cared more about her 2nd in command guy
sam and henry were my favorite of the original supporting cast and they have to share their time with this lady that puts me to sleep, while frank and bill got nearly an entire heartfelt episode dedicated to them
with the side stories theyre choosing to tell so far i feel like by the time we get to part 2 its gonna be like “we’re doing THIS again??” (and part 2 was already kinda like that for me as in it didnt really do anything new or interesting for me)
like oh my god we’re still going on about revenge and forgiveness and ooooh nobody is perfectly good or bad we are all shades of grey 2 sides of the same coin yadda yadda except now theyre all self aware about it 😭💀
like can we write anything else?? besides trying to make both sides of a violent conflict equal of course because they love doing that (dont think i forgot abt the weird palestine/israel parallel in pt2 i think that was the worst one for me). but kathleen is basically just abby again and unless part 2 is a complete rewrite then im gonna be honk shoo mimimimi ASLEEP
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— doctor!abby anderson 𖦹
a/n; okok i’ve been wanting to write this for so long, so the wait is finally over for u all to read it. please enjoyyy! apologies for the tease. you guys want a pt. 2? lmk
palestine masterlist, daily click, israeli themes in tlou
doctor abby anderson. your doctor abby anderson. she was perfect. the almost doting and loving girlfriend of all time. she was one of the most hardworking, intelligent people you knew, but even sometimes the smartest people needed to go back and test their skills, right?
so here you two are now, sitting and facing eachother, textbooks and papers sprawled across the desk. she had asked you for help not too long ago. it’s not that she needed to study, she just wanted to.
“i just want to practice where all the bones are, if im going to end up in orthopedics, i have to know everything at the top of my head.”
you looked at her and nodded, agreeing to whatever she wanted to do.
“‘kay, i’m just gonna touch where ever the bone is, and try to name it without looking at my textbook. if im wrong, tell me please?”
“i will baby, you got this though— you’re so smart.”
she gives you a gentle smile before she begins, handing you a paper with the answers, and placing a soft touch to your upper arm.
“this is the humerus, and this…”
she drags her fingers down to your lower arm, specifically the right side.
“… is the ulna, and your radius which is on the left side.”
abby picks up her hand, and brings it to your collar bone.
“uh— fuck, i always get this one messed up.”
“it’s okay baby, you got it.”
she takes a deep breath, gives you a kiss, and continues. even when she was stressed out like this, she always knew you were there for her.
“clavicle?”
she was right, she knew she was too. poor girl always second guessed herself. she was so smart.
“yeah abs, you’re right, i don’t know why you second guess yourself— you’re so intelligent.”
she let out a laugh while adjusting her glasses.
“intelligent, huh? you say it like it’s attractive or something.”
you look at her, rolling your eyes, and slowly leaning into her neck. you give it a soft kiss, and trail up to her ear.
“oh i think it’s very attractive baby.”
it’s almost comedic how you can audibly here her gulp. she was shocked for some reason, as if she didn’t know that you found her attractive, or sexy— as if she wasn’t your literal girlfriend.
abby moved one of her hands, the one that was still resting on your clavicle, up to your cheek, rubbing it gently while leaning for a kiss.
and god, she kissed you so slowly, but so desperate. due to her always studying, or being at work, you two rarely have enough time alone. she craved your touch, and you craved hers. you moved to lift the shirt still adorning her body, while her heavy hands moved to do the same to you.
once your shirts were off, she was all over you again, kissing and nipping at your skin, moving down to your chest.
“please let me touch you baby, i’ll make you feel so good.”
you didn’t even think twice before agreeing, nodding and removing your bra. hands moving before she could even think, they graze against your tits, fingers squeezing and grabbing the flesh. it felt so good— too good. it’s been so long since she properly touched you, and now that she is, you can’t help but let out soft moans of her name.
“let’s go lay down princess, let me make you feel good.”
taglist; @satellitespinner @mxlti-fand0m-imaginess @ellieslob
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hi everyone <3 ive made the decision to take a break from writing & regular posting about anything which doesn’t concern palestine for a while.
it saddens me to see people still posting about anything other than the genocide and ethnic cleansing currently happening in palestine during the strike and/or claiming they didn’t know anything about the strike as a whole (which i find very hard to believe).
and it’s so frustrating to see people who have much bigger blogs/platforms than me not using their platforms to spread awareness on what is happening in the world right now.
along with people shamelessly posting about buying the new tlou remastered and actively funding money towards a zionist, it just doesn’t feel right to use my own platform as anything other than a place to spread awareness for the people in gaza. im so, so thankful for my platform and will continue to use it to spread awareness and help in any way that i can.
from the river to the sea, palestine will be free.
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