#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother

[devoureddreaa]

diary of a mad black woman

i’m totally not projecting in this /hj. buuuuuut, i love love love the movie: diary of a mad black woman. probably the best piece of fiction tyler perry has created. but, i hope you enjooooy!!

cw: toji is an asshole (mb…), you’re gonna be kind of a bitch too if you squint, relationship issues, infidelity issues (on both sides), an established relationship coming to an end, you’re not getting back with him….. (sorry not sorry), uhh y/n is black woman coded (hii ting at the title). lemme know if i forgot anything !!!!

five long, draining years.

five years ago..you married toji right after you two graduated. don’t worry, your clan didn’t sell you. marrying toji is what you wanted to do. only god knew how bad of a decision you were

toji fushiguro, had his owns dreams and aspirations. ones that most possibly didn’t involve you whatsoever, but you forced yourself into them. the first year was just fine, it was like you were laying on cloud nine.

that was until you were pushed off that cloud.

he moved you away from your home. he wanted to “forget about the past” he said, and leave everything behind. and that included your own family..you didn’t know how long it had been since you last heard their voices. now you were isolated, and that only made things worse cause toji knew what sort of power he had over you now.

you did anything in your power to stay in his vision. whether that was dealing with his manipulative behavior, or even his infidelity..you sticked around.

cause you loved him??

or cause you didn’t have anyone else to go to?

weird, cause then you got kicked out of your own home and he got a divorce. he packed all your shit in a truck and replaced you for some hooker. bet enough booger sugar and lube got her to stay. you drove that truck back over to your grandmothers house…who almost shot you since it was the middle of the night. you got over it after a few months. got a job, made friends, reconnected with family..even your mother, and maybe even found some newfound love.

that’s until toji got injured and he was temporarily paralyzed. the hooker he wanted so badly wanted to leave him for dead, but you..were still legally his wife. so you made the last call.

to keep him alive.

as you sat there, thinking about picking up the pieces of what used to be your life..you realized something. every room in this place that you used to call home held a painful memory for you. even though toji’s suffering…something in you wants him to suffer even more. few months in a divorce can take a person through just as many emotions as five years in a marriage. oh, and you’re starting to feel all of them at once.

but the one that is clear…is rage.

now here you were, in your old home, in the office looking for old bill files for him. while he sat in his wheelchair…quietly.

shuffling through the stake of papers, you started to shake your head. “i don’t see it..”

toji’s head perked up, “you don’t see it?” he repeated, in somewhat of a mocking tone..

“no.”

he scoffed, “you really are good for nothing.” here he goes again. “find my bank statement and get the accountant on the phone.”

you looked up from the stack of papers and looked up at him. into those dead cold eyes, those eyes that used to give you so much love..but now…they just give you a whole lotta hurt.

“then call somebody, anybody and you can leave.” toji motioned down to the wheelchair he was sitting it. “this, is not gonna beat me.”

“oh really?” you’re tone was cold, ice cold. you were watching a grown man, that was fully capable of finding his own bank statements, throw a fit cause you couldn’t find it.

his legs were paralyzed, not his fucking arms.

“yea, and whatchu staring at?”

“you get stabbed in the spine, and you’re still the same.”

“i am who i am, and im gonna die that way. toots.” toji gave you a dirty, damn near disgusting look as he looked you up and down. “i don’t even know why you’re here, i’m not givin’ you shit. matter fact, where are my kids?”

“you done, toji?”

“yknow what bitch, just get out.”

you could feel your jaw clenched up when he said that.

he pinched the bridge of his nose, “i ask you to do one simple thing, and you can even do that after five— get out!”

you dropped the papers that were in your hands, you got up from the rather comfortable leather seat. grabbed your things from off the desk and proceeded to take your exit back home quietly.

but then you stopped.

who the hell is he? the man who hasn’t dont anything but hurt you. and now…you were about to let him keep doing exactly that? keep letting him control you like some toy. nah…that ain’t gon slide. before you could even think about it, your arm swung forward then swung back..the back of your hand connecting with toji’s face.

you turned yourself back around and leaned down to face him, placing your hands on the arm rest of the wheelchair..practically caging him in.

“let me explain something to you.” your tone of voice was sick, nasty. it was damn near like you were spitting pure vemon. “old y/n..is gone. and you will not talk to me like that.”

“now i came here..to help you. but now, i’m here to get even.”

“y/n, you—”

“shut up!” your yell echoed through the quiet home, the rain outside just barely being able to heard over it.

“you want your whore..” you walked over and grabbed the picture of toji and his little hooker..that was framed in a pretty little frame. “and your damn kids?”

you raised your arms up and threw the picture onto the ground, shattering the frame. “do you see what you left me for?!” you bend down and quickly picked up the picture, shoving it in toji’s face.

“this..is what you left me for!”

you started to rip the picture to shreds right in front of him, letting the loose parts fall to the floor. “she didn’t give a damn ‘bout you toji, she told them to let you die.!”

you walked back over by the desk, using your arms to sweep the top of it clean..everything falling on the floor, some of it even breaking.

“and yknow what’s funny? hm?” a condescending smile grew on your face. “i fucking gave you life boy, even though you took it from me.”

you’ve never seen toji so quiet and still before for how long you’ve known, but oh, that didn’t mean you were about to let up. you grabbed a play bat that was sitting on the floor..

“ya kids..your boys.” you swung the plastic bat and hit toji in the head. “i wanted children toji! and had you not been a public sex-stop, we would have them!”

you backed away and anger started to consume you. it showed in your face, your body movement, even in the way your heart was racing. you didn’t know if this felt good or not..

“got me all stressed out, my hair fallin’ out, my weight up ‘n down, can’t keep anything down! two miscarriages! you took life from me, and you never even said ‘i’m sorry’..”

was that it? the end of your rant.

hell nah, you walked out of that office. and you let toji sit there alone for a few days. when you can back it smelt rancid.

“god..” you groaned and covered your nose. walking up behind him. “ya smell like shit.”

you grabbed the handle bars and started to walk, then you started to run towards the bathroom.

“y/n. hell are doing?” toji asked, a bit afraid (that’s a new one.)

you ignored his concerns, barging through the bathroom doors to reveal a tub filled with water and a little bit of bubbles.

“y/n, stop—!”

the wheelchair hit the edge and toji was flipped over into the water. you pushed the wheelchair back and watched him, in silence for a bit.

“bathe him, feed him, clothe him..they say.” you say on the edge of the bathtub just watching him. “what bout me, huh? and jesus, stop lookin’ like an idiot.”

you begin to light a cigarette while toji just laid in the slightly cold water. “you try and..kick me out of our house, and keep me away from our money? hell nah. fuck nah, at that.”

you looked back over to see that toji’s head was started to submerge under the water. you quickly got up, dropped your cigarette in the water, and practically dragged toji back up to the surface.

“remember toji, i was there..when all you had was me.”

you stepped out of the tub and left him there.

later, you both sat at the oddly long dinner table. you on one side, and toji on the other. weird thing was you had a plate with a salad on it, and toji? he didn’t have a thing in front of him.

meanwhile, you were eating like it was the best salad you had ever had.

suddenly, toji had..started to cry? “y/n..”

your eyes perked up, “awe, you hungry?”

maybe he was. but who fucking cared? “hm..maybe you should go into the kitchen and get yourself something to eat then hm?” the smile on your face was brutal

“christina..” toji quietly cried out.

you looked over your shoulder, confused. “christina?!” you looked back over at the pitiful man in front of you..trying to hold back to boiling laughter. “christina’s gone…”

you smiled wildly, “your little tramp didn’t have any money to her so she left.” looking back down at your plate using your fork to pick up for more food. “just like your slut.”

“she packed all her shit, and some of yours toji fushiguro..and went on her merry way.” you started to laugh. “come to think of it..she cleaned out your bank account. all of it!”

“oh, sweetheart, you tried to keep from me? and she ended up taking it all..huh?!” you started to laugh even harder, throwing your head back and slamming your fist on to the table.

this was even better then therapy.

“toji..you are like soooo many men.” you paused to get a good look at him. “you’d rather lay with dogs then make it work with a women.”

“you’re a bitch ass, toji..a coward.”

you forcefully pushed your plate of food, sending it flying across the table towards toji. it ended up landing on his lap and some fell onto the floor. but you sure as hell weren’t gonna pick it up, you got up and went upstairs to go to sleep.

toji ended up getting better, and you let all your anger out on him..later forgiving him. you took that divorce as a blessing, the thing you used to see as curse. he still loved you, but you didn’t love him the same. you didn’t want to be back with him. pain can hurt someone, but it won’t change anybody; and toji is a perfect example of that.

but you? oh you knew better. and anyone that would cross you in the future would learn that.

signed,

a mad black woman.

did it well…and did it good. PLSASE WATXH HIS MOVIE, I LOVE IT!!! anywho coming with the content..smash that like button for more bangers!!! /lhj but, hope you enjoyed!! love you baaaaaaai (if you saw any typos..not you didn’t)

#jjk #jjk x reader #jjk x you #jujustsu kaisen x reader #jujustu kaisen #x reader #toji fushigro x reader #fushiguro toji x reader #toji x y/n #toji x you #jujutsu toji #jjk toji #jujutsu kaisen toji #toji zenin #toji fushiguro #toji x reader #fanfic #jjk fushiguro #fushiguro x y/n #fushiguro x reader #jujutsu kaisen fushiguro #light angst

[fluffypotatey]

God, watched "Sins of the Father" last night and I. Just. Love. How the writers were like, "Ah, yes, let's finish out this episode with the most violent upheaval of Arthur's relationship with Uther. There is no need to mention this again."

Like, yeah, I get it, Merlin lied and stopped Arthur from killing King Cunt, but STILL. It happened. Arthur and Uther have had disagreements before, but those were small potatoes. Arthur challenged his father, the King, to a fight to the death. He was actively trying to kill his father. And that....had no effect on him? Or Uther?

Arthur doesn't always agree with Uther, and he does disobey him when he has to, but I don't think he ever would imagine himself capable of hurting his father, let alone killing him.

And Uther, being the manipulative, abusive piece of shit he is, was probably 100% certain Arthur would never turn on him, the same way any abusive parent is confident in their power over their victim.

But it happened.

And that's just........not important?

bestie.....are you sure you want the open that can of worms with me

------

NO BECAUSE LISTEN I HAVE TOO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT THIS

imma holler @nextstopparis because they have bombass posts and meta about exactly this

anyway

yes bestie so true, we have seen in s1 and s2 that arthur is capable of having a little rebellious streak but not enough to truly slight his father because (despite his shitty and abusive uther is) arthur still loves him. arthur has craved uther's approval since day one. all he gets from uther is stunted shoulder pats and "you're my son" kind of affection. which, you know, explains SO MUCH about why arthur is emotionally constipated, compensates his emotions into hyper-masculinity, and a grade A jock.

we know arthur seeks uther's approval and just wants uther to be proud of him. motherfucker (uther) literally in episode 2 of s1 "stops by Arthur on his way to the stands and speaks to him in a low voice" about he "trust [Arthur] will make [him] proud" like bitch???? way to stress out your child.

tips on how to emotionally abuse/keep your child wanting you love

always makes sure you pressure them into making you proud

place conditions on your love (trust = love = pride for son = no longer disappointed = no longer sees arthur as the cause of ygraine's death oop did i type that)

move them away and speak in a low threatening voice because self image matters and your child would never risk that

undermine your child's worth to exterior factors, aka things your child never had a say in (being a captain/high ranking knight at 15, being the son of your dead wife, telling them to grow up when they literally are acting their age)

enforcing patriarcal ideals such as only encouraging stoicism for arthur because feelings are for weaklings and dismissing morgana's opinions for 'outbursts'

howdy folks! welcome to the uther sucks club and why the hell did bbc just ignore arthur's very understandable anger towards uther in s2 ep8

we will not touch arthur's self loathing blame for his mother's death because i will derail from this post

what happened in s2 ep8???? i'm so glad you asked

it is revealed that uther pendragon's reason for committing genocide for over 20 years boils down to a highly dangerous spell that he forced the high priestess nimueh to cast on his wife (who wasn't aware of the spell in the first place) so she could become pregnant and grant him an heir.

uther, the caricature of the british empire himself, caused the death of his queen then turned around and blamed a whole community of innocent people because "magic is evil and shouldn't be trusted" and "when you know one sorcerer, you know them all"

arthur, daddy issues galore, is understandably pissed and enraged. why, you ask? because for years he believed it was his birth that led to his mother's death

ARTHUR I'm so sorry. YGRAINE You have nothing to be sorry for. ARTHUR It was my birth that caused you to die.

ok so we are actually gonna discuss this

FOR 20 YEARS THIS MAN BELIEVED HIS FATHER'S GRIEF WAS HIS FAULT

AND YOU KNOW WHAT

UTHER NEVER CORRECTED HIM! UTHER NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO CONTRADICT ARTHUR'S INTERNAL STRUGGLE!

WHY YOU ASK????

BECAUSE THEN ARTHUR WOULD STAY LOYAL TO HIM, BECAUSE THEN ARTHUR WOULD DO EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO PROVE THAT HE COULD 'right this old wrong' EVEN THO IT WAS NEVER HIS FAULT!

ahem

and then arthur learns the truth. arthur learns that ygraine's death was never his fault. ygraine's death was all because uther pendragon "was so desperate for an heir". that was all uther cared about.

ARTHUR This is what fuels your hatred for those who practice magic. Rather than blame yourself for what you did, you blame them.

ARTHUR How many hundreds have you condemned to death to ease your guilt?

ARTHUR You speak of honour and nobility! You're nothing but a hypocrite and a liar!

do you think....after arthur learned the truth, he remembered all of morgana's old arguments that went ignored by uther? he could hear her voice, filled with self-righteousness and selfless anger about how uther always placed the blame on others, projected fear and hatred to those who were innocent. do you wonder if arthur thought of morgana as he spewed those words to uther?

and then he is told that morgause lied to him. that the ygraine he saw was actually an illusion meant to divide camelot. arthur is told that the ygraine he saw who told him that holding him was "the most precious" moments of her life was nothing more than a lie.

so, what does mean for arthur? does that mean that it truly was his fault that ygraine died? does he go back to blaming himself?

or

is there still that doubt of his father's ruling that lays restless inside of him? does he watch his father more closely and how he reacts to magic crimes compared to non-magical? does he begin to confide in morgana more because she, too, understand this kind of anger he feels nestled inside of him?

but we don't get that

what we get after this is a week or maybe more of a time skip where gwen is kidnapped and the show tries to further the arwencelot love triangle (and i mean, i'm not against the love triangle, it's just...timing my dude)

it just goes ignored by the show like it wasn't a big deal that arthur was ready to commit regicide (unlike morgana), like it wasn't a big deal that merlin lied to arthur like that and didn't feel conflicted, like it wasn't a big deal that uther's Purge began because of misplaced anger.

no, instead, arthur is back as his snarky and uptight self who never again thinks back to what happened when some big plot is heading his way. and so the show never dives back into that. mentions of arthur's mother don't come back until s4 but that's with agravaine and i do not have the time for that man.

this episode really seemed like it was supposed to lead to a shift in arthur's character, and yet it didn't. it was just...never touched on again and i will never forgive them for that

#long post #excuse me while i go off #i brought receipts (transcipts) #bbc merlin #arthur pendragon #uther pendragon #anti uther #we do not stan that man in this household #not to mention that this is the ep where arthur doubts his father's views on magic bc morgause is granting him this chance to see his mom #he has already doubted his father's views on class (lancelot) & duty (going to help merlin even if his presence could cause war w/ Essetir) #and then he learns that his father LIED #uther lied about magic users for 20 fucking years and didn't care #all he cared about was that the spell didn't work the way he wanted and decided that a whole community of ppl deserved to be wiped out #arthur is devasted bc you know what that means?????? #that means that when arthur raided that druid camp all those years ago as a young captain of the knights its purpose was never moral #arthur aided his father and his father LIED ABOUT IT #the sins of the father #s2 ep8 #2.08 #i'm not sorry but also i am sorry that the post is a little long #merlin meta

[lala1267]

Death wish (Part 1)

Summary:you were a troubled, depressed 15 year old girl. You had met a certain man that lit a spark in you.

Elvis x female reader.

Warnings: reader is depressed, su1cide, drugs, alcohol, abusive parents, reader is a minor that is doing illegal things, body dismorphia, insecurities, mention of failed su1cide attempts. Lmk if I missed anything.

Note: extremely dark, this is aimed for a mature audience. Like this whole series is probably gonna be dark, I'm not sure yet.

I was born in 1956 into a foster home. My name was Adriana Johnson. I had a bad childhood, and my foster parents didn't care for me one bit. They only took me in so they could claim the child benefits. They were mean and cruel and sometimes even violent. My mother would scream at me over the smallest things, and so would my father. One time, I had forgotten to do the dishes. My mother walked right up to me before slapping me across the face, I had a red handprint indented into my cheek. But having unloving foster parents came with pros and cons. I could do anything I wanted, I could stay out until whatever time, I spent many nights at my freinds house or somewhere in an alleyway, my parents didn't give a shit about me, not that I liked them anyway. I started becoming a troubled child from the age of 11. I had shit friend who urged me to do things I deeply regret till this day. I was manipulated into drinking, smoking, and even stealing with them. They were the reason I had started turning into a bitch. I was sassy, moody, and I was a rebel. From 14 I already had a smoking addiction, I smoked two packs of cigarettes a day. I was drinking at parties, doing all sorts of drugs just to escape my homelife. I was apart of a troubled group of teens. We broke atleats 15 laws in one night, we even robbed a car once. It was a light blue cadillac, it had cream lever seats and shiny silver wheels. I knew how to commit every crime without getting caught. You want drugs? Come to me. You want liquor? Come to me. You want cigarettes? I was the right person to come to. All of the other parents would keep there young ones away from me since I was a terrible influence. I spent my nights grinding on men in clubs just for a free drink and a pack of cigarettes. I was basically selling my body to grown men. Every man and boy wanted me, I was sexy, I had long blonde hair, I had an hourglass body, I was perfect. My freckles came out when the sunlight hit my face, my blue eyes shimmered. I was the dream girl for everyone. I was only 15 and I had already made a shit reputation for myself. I didn't work since I could just steal the money from other kids, I never worked for anything, I either used my body or I would shoplift. I would approach men, get real close to em, bat my eyelashes a few times before swaying my hips and asking them to buy me things. I manipulated grown men just by using my looks. I have to admit I was a gorgeous girl.

I was at the local club one night with my friends. I was heavily drunk. We were in the corner smoking and drinking, laughing loudly and dancing. I got up as I notified my friends where I was going.

"Guys, I'm gonna go have a smoke outside, save my seat." they nodded as I walked off, swaying side to side as I struggled to maintain balance, one of my girlfriend's slapped my ass playfully as I walked past. I strutted past all of the older men who cat-called and whistled. I looked at them all in the eyes, giving them a wink as I walked out of the door. I stepped outside onto the dark wet road. It was freezing. I was wearing a tight mini dress that was gold, a short furr jacket and some black tall heels. I leaned against the brick wall as I pulled out a piece of paper and a small bag of weed from the pocket in my jacket. I placed the piece of paper flat out on my hand before placing some of the weed onto it. I carefully rolled it up into a cigarette like shape. I put the piece of paper to my red lips as I grabbed a lighter from my jacket. I flicked the lighter until I saw the orange flame, I brought it up to the end of the paper as it made contact. I inhaled deeply before breathing clouds of smoke out. This was my escape. Drugs, alcohol and cigarettes made me feel alive. I forgot about all of my troubles. I was in another world. Even though I was cocky and arrogant, I wasn't very fond of the concept of life. My life was shit. I was a troubled teen with parents that hit me. I never really liked my body, my voice, my personality or anything about myself. I hated myself. Others saw a beutifull girl when they looked at me, I saw a suicidal bitch who was on the edge of reality. I would stand infont of the mirror thinking I was to fat, thinking I was to thin, thinking I was not worth anything. I was a girl with lots of thoughts, bad thoughts. I was suicidal. No one ever knew this because I was always trying to make people laugh and smile. It was my biggest wish to just be dead, i had never got the courage to leave this terrible life i was in, but i got pretty close to it a few times. I would sit in my room, hand full of pills that were ready to be digested whilst i would rethink my whole life.

I stood there smoking weed outside of a random club at the ripe age of 15. I was disgusted with myself, but it was too late to turn back now.

I inhaled into the splif as I felt a large hand on my shoulder. I turned to see who it was. It was a grown man that looked in his late twenties. He was handsome, had dark hair, blue eyes and he was tall. He was a dream. But I didn't know this man.

"What?" I said in a tone as I furrowed my brows. The man smiled before replying.

"I don't think a girl your age should be smokin on that"

"Oh fuck off" I scoffed.

"Don't talk to me like that lil girl." He raised his voice as he pointed his long finger in my face. I was a brave girl, but I hadn't had a man tower over me and shout except my shitty father. I just stood there in shock and slight fear until he said something.

"Now, take that shit out of your mouth." He said as he remover the paper from my lips before throwing it on the floor.

"What the fuck! I paid for that!" I yelled.

"What with your drug money?" He asked whilst giggling.

"Yes, I did, so what!" I pushed him away from me as I made my way inside the club, grabbing the wall for balnce. He followed me inside. I had noticed this, I turned to him as I tripped over my own feet.

"If you want sex or money just say that!" I snapped at him, slightly slurring my words. He didn't take this to kindly. He grabbed my wrist as he pulled me outside. He brought me to his car. It was a pink cadillac. He opened the passenger door before shoving me in. He got into the drivers seat as he started the car.

"You have a major attitude problem, and imma fix it for ya!" I just furrowed my brows and crossed my arms as we drove off. I wasn't too fazed by an unknown man driving me somewhere since I would do anything to be drove somewhere except my 'home'.

We had arrived at a massive building, it was gorgeous. We stepped out of the car, his hand rapped around my arm tightly. I was losing my balance.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"My house" he grunted as he dragged me inside.

"You kidnapping me or what, I don't mind being kidnapped by a rich guy." I said with a flirtatious smile across my smug face. He just rolled his eyes. Once we were inside my jaw dropped, it was beautiful. It was luxurious. It was everything I ever dreamed of. He led me up to his room as he tightly clung onto my hand. I didn't even care that a man much older than me had took me to his house, I had nothing to lose, I didn't care. I was high and drunk, I stumbled up the stairs as he dragged me to his room. My eyes bloodshot red, dress shorter than a belt, liquor spilled down my dress. I was a mess. He placed me on the edge of his large bed, it was cosy and comfy. He stood up infront of me, I looked up to him as I tried to keep my eyelids from closing. The world was spinning, it felt good, the weed was kicking in, I was in heaven. The man saw that I was high, he bent down to my level and tilted my chin up to look at his handsome face.

"How old are ya?" He asked in a demanding tone.

"Th-thifteen" I said.

The man's face dropped.

"Where is ya mother, ya can't be actin' like this at your age." My eyes filled with tears before I could reply.

"She's, sh- I don't know."

"What do ya mean my love?" The man's tone was much softer and welcoming.

"I have foster parents, i- I don't wanna talk about th- this" I said as I was slowly losing consciousness. I had never been this effected by drugs, what was in that weed?, why am I acting like this?. That was the last thoughts I could remember before everything went black.

I opened my eyes, I was in a lavish room, in a luxurious bed, and it was the morning. Where am I?. It took a few seconds for all of my thoughts to come running back to me. I remembered the man that took me here, took me to his house.

"What a fucking creep." I scoffed to myself as I got up. I was still in my party dress from the other night, my breath smelled of alcohol and my clothes smelled of weed. I reached for my bag and grabbed a cigarette. I lit it and inhaled it. All of my stress left my body after I blew out the smoke, it was like an escape. I put my mini bag on my shoulder as I walked down the grand stairs. I was eager to get out, I didn't know why I let a grown man take me to his house, what was I thinking. I opened the door, I was met with a large gust of wind, I ran out into the front garden. I needed to go home, my home. I didn't know where I was but all I saw was a car and a road. I ran up to the pink Cadillac and started the engine. I drove into the road, as I was about to drive off I looked into the mirror just to see that same man shouting for me to come back. I didn't think twice as I sped off.

I had been driving for a good 30 minutes when I found my house, I parked the car outside. I took a moment to think about what had just happened, I basically got kidnapped and I stole a car. I lit a cigarette as I stepped out of the car. I looked at my disgusting house, it was old and broken. Nothing good ever happened here, nothing. I stepped into the small house, it was like walking into hell, again. I quietly kicked off my heels, I wasn't quiet enough. I heard loud steps that gradually made their way towards me. I knew what was coming, I just accepted it. My 'father' walked up to me with anger in his eyes, he was drunk as usual. I looked up to him, all I could see was a burning ball of anger that was ready to be unleashed.

When my 'parents' took me In to 'care' for me they promised to cure my ills, make my frown into a smile. But they didn't and they never will.

He stepped closer to me, he pushed me against the wall,

"Where have you been!?" He yelled. I was confused as to why he was mad about where I was since he never cared what I did. I didn't reply, I just looked up into his empty eyes.

The hell started now.

He grabbed my hair, hit me, slapped me, and even kicked me.

I was on the dusty floor, tears in my eyes, whole body bruised. I was powerless, literally. I was a rotting peice of shit to him and his wife. My vision was blurry and the room was slowly spinning. I watched his large figure walk off like nothing happened.

I layed there for atleast an hour rethinking my whole life, why was I even here?

"I wish I was dead already." I whispered to my self as I slowly got up off the cold floor.

I struggled to gain my balance. I grabbed my cigarettes, my heels and a pain killer. I ran straight out of the door. I got back into the pink cadillac and drove off.

I drove until I got to my local club. Before I got out of the car, I brushed my long blonde hair with my fingers, I opened my handbag. I pulled out red lipstick, I applied it over the large cut on my lips in hopes of hiding it. I fixed my dress and stepped out of the car. I lit a cigarette and placed it in between my red lips. The bruise on my face was obvious, but I didn't know that. I walked into the club. I saw my friends in a big group in the corner, and I walked over to them.

"Hi guy's, hope yall didn't miss me too much!" I said cheerfully. They all looked at me with betrayal in their eyes.

"You left, you said you were gonna go for a smoke and then you left." My freind said in a cold icey tone.

"Oh, I can expla-"

"Just fuck off ya loser." She said as she flipped me off. All of them started hysterically laughing. My face lit up red, I was hurt and embarrassed. The tears in my eyes ran down my face and along the bruise on my cheek. I speed walked away, right into him. The man from last night. He had watched the whole scene play out. He knew that I stole his car but he also knew what I was going through. He instantly hugged me with his large arms. It felt like home. He bent down to whisper,

"They ain't your real friends, come with me, I'll take care of ya." His deep voice sent chills down my spine, but it was comforting and sexy. He walked me out of the club and into his pink Cadillac that I stole. We drove to his house, his mansion.

He brought me inside, the same warmth and comfort filled up inside of me when I felt his large hand rub my back. He walked me up to his room, he took my clothes off and put new, clean ones on. He was so kind when he wanted to be.

"Tell me about yourself darlin'" he said as he sat next to me on the bed. I looked into his loving blue eyes.

"Well my name is Adriana" I said.

"That's beautiful" the man said as he smiled.

"My name is Elvis, Elvis Presley." I smiled and nodded.

"Well I can tell your a troubled teen, I wanna help you, no one your age should be living the life you live." He said in a comforting tone. His face quickly dropped when he looked at my cheek, my bruised cheek. He lifted his hand to touch the bruise. I yelped as I moved his hand away.

"Sorry I didn't mean to hurt ya." Evis said.

"But who did this to you?" My face lit up red in embarrassment.

"Oh I-I just fell"

"Tell me the truth." He said in a slightly demanding voice.

"It was my father" Elvis's eyes were filled with rage.

"Elvis, thankyou for helping me but I really gotta go home now." I said as I attempted to get up but his large hand cupped mine and pulled me back down.

"Ya ain't going back to your home, not with your parents in there." He ran his hands through my hair.

I nodded at his sentence.

This was the second time that I was in Elvis's house. And the last time that I was gonna be in mine.

#elvis presley #elvis the pelvis #fanfic #fan fic writing #70s elvis #singers #trauma #abusiveness #parental abuse #tw sui attempt #drinking #daddy elvis #body dysmorphia

[fishy-xp]

Macau Theerapanyakul - a character study (pt. 6)

safety, security and sleep - the minor family's hierarchy of needs

ft. vegaspete

this meta post is brought to you by this post by ta (macau's actor) as i realised 2/4 appearances of macau, we see him sleeping.

first things first, let me introduce to you maslow's hierarchy of needs. maslow was this old guy who made a pyramid about the needs that dictate human behaviour (shown below).

if we were to apply the hierarchy to the members of the minor family (minor family being macau, pete and vegas cuz fuck gun, ain't none of my homies respect gun), it becomes quite obvious that their psychological needs aren't being met, that being love, intimacy and self-esteem. much of this lack of satisfaction stems from poor parental father figures and absent mothers. pete is probably the furthest up the hierarchy as it appears being a bodyguard offers him his basic needs. he also seems to have stable relationships with arm, pol and porsche. whether pete feels respected and accomplished as a bodyguard is a question for him to answer, but personally, i don't think he does. the ridigity of his position is exactly what is stopping him from reaching self-actualisation as pete has been made to serve for the majority of his life and has never managed to branch out and actually find what fulfills himself.

vegas, our favourite pathetic problem child, is just a mess of loneliness and self-esteem issues. his father is an abusive piece of shit and whilst he may have a positive relationship with macau, there is still a level of responsibilty and burden he carries as an older sibling. he's constantly belittled by his father and the wider mafia society, recognised as secondary to kinn and the major family. being compared like that your whole life and having every single motivation dervied from the sole goal of usurping your older cousin but not being able to draws away from vegas' own needs in forming relationships on his own that aren't purely advantageous or transactional. it also takes away from vegas' ability to base his sense of self-worth on the things he's accompished and instead, he bases it on the things kinn's accomplished.

ta explains that macau has low self esteem in his character story, that he feels mediocre and average. and this can easily be inferred from his age compared to the other members of his family as well as being 1) in the minor family and 2) being the second son of the minor family. macau has no position worthy of anything to give him a sense of self-worth and confidence. other than his relationship with vegas, macau has zero bitches (he could have porchay if beoncloud weren't hellbent on killing off or uncanonizing ghostships) and again, his father is gun lmao. pete and vegas are older, and are trained in arms and combat. they are able to defend themselves. macau on the other hand, doesn't appear to be as skilled, as evidenced by when he tried to throw hands at porsche and immediately fell into the pond like the bitch baby he is, so perhaps he doesn't satisfy the safety needs to an extent.

i argue that the fractured positioning of each of the minor family at various stages of the hierarchy stunts each of them in reaching self-actualisation. in order to break through and move up in the pyramid, requires a breaking down of the rigid pathways that have landed them where they are and are stimultaneously hindering them from going further. in doing so, they must return to meeting their basic needs, take a step back to take three steps forward.

the running theme of food between vegaspete begin with pete rejecting or resisting vegas' attempts at feeding him because he understands that food to vegas is a means of submission and manipulation. but slowly they both begin to break down each other's preconceptions of their needs, vegas with his father and pete with his expectations of perfection and duty. vegas actually puts effort into cooking for pete for no reason simply than to feed pete (vegas pulls the ultimate give your child a plate of cut fruit after destroying their livelihoods power move) and pete eats as soon as he realises vegas isn't trying to get anything out of him (and that it's not poisoned lol). once this basic need of food is met, they ascend the hierarchy almost immediately, pete potentially reaches self-actualisation by way of first discovering the darkness that's been dormant within him until vegas manages to sink his claws in and pull it to the surface, and second, giving into that dark desire. vegas has someone that understands him, or is at least trying to. someone who chooses him and is willing to stay with him and comfort him. someone who sees him as his own person rather than a shadow to kinn. this food will sustain them as they sustain each other.

but old habits die hard. they go back to their old ways, their own understanding of needs and methods of achieving them. vegas still seeks the approval of his father, still craves that intimacy, and believes beating kinn will satisfy his self-esteem needs. pete goes back to the major family because he believes in duty and loyalty, his self-esteem is derived from serving others at the expense of suffocating himself and his individuality/desires inside that damn suit.

until they meet again by that poolside. both broken and desperate, ready to tear it all down and start all over once again at the bottom - "because i'm hungry"

for macau, we have him meeting the basic need of 'rest'. macau is trying to keep up with the rest of the family, in being a force of power, respect and prestige. in meeting the expectations of his father. the compound he lives in is not a home, it's a institution where people come and go. it's a place where people are armed to the teeth and there's a torture dungeon in the basement. it's a place where his father stalks the halls, turning his ring inwards and macau can only hope he doesn't stop outside his door. macau hears the screaming, the pleading, the gunfire, the beatings. macau hears everything. he's not safe here. macau probably gets barely any sleep in the compound and even if he does, it's riddled with nightmares and being awoken by the slightest of sounds. he only seems to manage to rest in the presence of his brother, someone who can fulfill his love/affection needs and in places of security and safety, such as the temple and hospital.

the epilogue scene in ep 14 shows another restart for the minor family. pete draws back the blind to reveal sunlight, bathing the room in light and warmth. pete mentions he bought food for a sleeping macau. pete reassures vegas that even if he doesn't have anything left, his heart wants vegas, just vegas. vegas tells pete that he is his most important person. macau gains a new friend/brother in the form of pete and welcomes pete into the family. the big pile on at the ends shows them surrounded by people who allow them to be themselves, who love them and who will protect them. they are gifted with a promising new start - a chance to climb the hierarchy together and with each other.

[Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 7]

#look at me using something i learnt in high school to analyse a gay mafia romance #kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #vegaspete #vegas theerapanyakul #pete phongsakorn #macau theerapanyakul #kinnporsche meta #macau theerapanyakul character analysis

[beevean]

Having thoughts again about N!Hector and the pathetic excluse of a plotline he was stuck in during S3.

One of the many, many ways it could be fixed is one of the simplest one: Lenore is actually believable in his quest to manipulate Hector.

In short, she'd pretend to be the Rosaly of the show.

I read many times that N!Hector isn't stupid for falling for Lenore, because poor little thing is a manchild starved for love. I say that yes, he is stupid, because Lenore doesn't do anything different from what Carmilla did one month prior. One month! That he spent being dragged through the snow! He had plenty of time to realize his mistake. Why would he trust Lenore, when she employs her same tactics of being a condescending bitch to him and also insult Dracula in the meantime - even worse, at least Carmilla waited until the end to beat the shit out of Hector; Lenore did that first thing to flex!

(this show's writing is so, so very unsubtle, and it goes past the lack of show don't tell)

So. Instead of Lenore being a smug piece of shit and spending most of her screentime in S3 treating Hector like a dog. How about actually pretending to be falling in love with him?

Actual compliments. Actual appreciation. Actual sympathy. Unconditional sympathy.

Hector being love-starved is canon. The game version and the show version went through the same thing: first, being rejected by their own parents, to the point that their own mother regretted giving birth to them; then, working for Dracula and with Isaac, which is where the two versions differ, because in the mangas Dracula appreciated Hector for his work and Isaac respected him but was also jealous of him, while in the show both of them shat on him and made clear they don't respect him one bit.

Were things more similar to the mangas, I like to think that Hector hoped that Dracula cared about him a little bit but it became obvious that he only saw him as a useful servant, while Isaac (who totally had a crush on Hector and yes I believe it's canon) always put his Lord above him.

In short, their appreciation was conditional. Be a good boy for us, Hector dear. What's that? You want to regain your agency? Well, then you'll have to die, you understand.

Then comes Rosaly who loved Hector unconditionally. She didn't care about his past or his sins: she only saw a good-hearted man and accepted him in her home despite everything. No wonder Hector declared undying loyalty to her, no wonder he cried when she said something remotely kind to him.

Imagine if Lenore did the same, but only to betray him in the end. He'd be gutted. And it would be believable! Because all the circumstances would be there for him to desperatley grasp to the one person who seems to actually respect him! I wouldn't think he's a complete dumbass for sticking his dick inside someone who said in the span of one minute "I can't betray my sisters by letting you go" and "we can run away together"!

Now, here we can go through two routes.

One, the sex scene happens and it's the same as in canon: Lenore simply uses the opportunity to slip the ring on his finger, her plan from the start. Hector is crushed. Lenore calls him her pet, and we actually see consequences of this (not necessarily other rape scenes because no thank you, but even simply the ring hurting him). During S4, Lenore starts to genuinely like Hector, but he never forgives her, betrays her in the end (you decide whether she suns herself for the guilt or he destroys her face with the hammer <3 but eh tbh in this scenario she doesn't even need to die, she can live alone in shame for all I care), and then... I don't know, I think he'd become very jaded at this point, but he could regain some hope from N!Isaac, if he doesn't act like a total patronizing dick in his final scene.

Two, the sex scene doesn't happen. Lenore actually falls for Hector, and she's torn between her loyalty to her sisters and her fondness for this poor human who maybe can understand her more than she thought. Maybe at first she chooses her sisters (she puts the ring on him but in other circumstances?), which hurts Hector, but then she changes her mind and pulls away from Carmilla's insanity - basically think of Zuko betraying the Gaang in Book 2 and regretting it in Book 3. Lenector actually looks like a viable ship and a much more organic "enemies to lovers" situation (for lack of a better word), instead of looking like rape apologism.

tl;dr: stop jerking off to vampire mommy and pay respect to the characters

#castlevania #anti netflixvania #probably made more sense in my head #i have thoughts i have many thoughts #you cannot reconcile the lenore from s3 with the lenore from s4 it's what i'm saying #and it hurts every aspect of their plotline

[taintedsoul-if]

very much looking for the update!! congrats on your progress B) sad that will leave ada and her mother old but grippy pussy (still giggling at the drama like oh my gawd bruh oh hell nah man what the fuck LMAO) behind but i'm excited to see how transmigrating will go especially when we do encounter cadmus who will malewife, mansplain and manipulate mc (romantic), i have a question btw you said hed go "student MC do I know you?" does that mean hes like older.... or is that how students talk to each other cause if its the first one lord have mercy blushing and shit but not surprising he seems to be the type into roleplay

Cadmus is very ancient. 👀. Sleeping for two millennium. But even though Cadmus is soooo old, he still has the face of a "young boy". While I am on this topic. Where Cadmus mother comes from has a tradition. When a child reach ten years old, (toddler stage) a mask is suppose to be worn. It is not suppose to be taken off. Basically this mask, is merged as one with another person's face. The only way this mask can come off, is if it is taken off by one's bonded.

From ones perspective when they're looking at Cadmus/Atticus, they'll be greeted by the sight of a cold mask. While from the MC perspective they can see Cadmus and Atticus features clearly.

Example:

Student A: Cadmus why're you wearing a mask?

MC: *looks at Cadmus face in confusion* what mask? He's not wearing any mask! Student A, are your eyes okay? I think you should get them checked out before this problem worsen.

Student B: MC you're the one with the eye problem! Look closely! There is an exquisite gem inline mask on his face!

And back to your question. MC accused Cadmus of breaking into their house. MC even further went on to saying Cadmus is following them. (Poor Cadmus getting accused of things he didn't do on his first day of school). So what happened is that, with a devious look in his eyes, he's going to lean forward. "Student-" pauses for a moment. "MC do I know you? I am a law abiding citizen! Furthermore did you report this act of burglary to the law enforcers?"

The MC stares at him blankly.

"MC what did this person looked like?" Cadmus asked, pinching the MC fingertips.

"Like you. He looked like you!"

Cadmus eyes brightened. "Student MC, even before meeting me, you've dreamt about me?!" 💀

Honestly Cadmus is shameless. At this point the MC gave up completely. How thick can ones face be?! But on a serious note, Cadmus doesn't want to scare the MC away, so he's pretending as if he has only met them for the first time. So for now, yes he's roll playing/messing around with the MC.

As for the drama between Ada and her mom.... hey the poor child. Ada boyfriend continued sleeping with Ada's mom because the mom, knew what she was doing, while Ada... 👀. Ada loves a man taking control of her pleasure. And the boyfriend was the type that just wanted to lie back and watch Ada do her work. His favorite position was actually cow girl. Because of that, most time he didn't cum..... Because Ada's knees bottom out just as he reach the peak. 😂

One time he lashed out at her. He said to Ada. "You're not the girl I fell inlove with!"

Ada: "And you're not the man I fell inlove with! When will you care about my pleasure for once?! Before you moved into my house, we had a good thing going! You used to fuck me like a real man, now all you do, is lie on the bed waiting for me to pleasure you! Sometimes I wonder who's the man in the relationship! Where did the man who use to fuck me against the windows go? 🤤 Or the one who used to bend me over the pool table at the bar go?! The one who used to suffocate me, until my body convulsed and I fucking fall to pieces! Sometimes I fucking wonder if you switched places with your twin brother! Even a dog fucks his bitch better than you fuck me!"

(Personally if I was a man... I would try to rectify this situation. Imagine being compared to a dog?!)

So to take revenge. He fucked her mom.... It wasn't really an Ada problem. It's just that he's laid back. Home boy got comfortable. Why work hard when she's already his fiancee? If it weren't for his twin brother, he wouldn't be doing this anyway. 💀

Anyways anon, thank you for the ask. Have a wonderful day!

#Cadmus #lovely anon #ask #Ada

[g4yass]

I hate to completely ruin my vibey aesthetic blog like this, but I seriously need help and if anyone could share this it would mean a lot to me.

Heavy TW for everything.

I've finally decided to erase my abusive family from my life and I won't be receiving any more financial help from them (what little they gave me, anyway).

I made the stupid decision of visiting them a few weeks and it has been terribile. My mom is verbally abusive as well and my father too. The only reason my mom is not hitting me anymore is because I've already threatened to call the police and record what she says, and since she's a coward all she does is belittle me and threaten me.

My parents (especially my mom) have been abusive in every way possible since I was a kid, and now they repeatedly try to gaslight me saying that I'm a narcissistic liar, that I'm an ungrateful bitch.

They have never showed any type of love or affection, even when I was little - my father thinks taking me out to play with other kids and giving me food was "so much" and "treating me like a princess". My mother has punched and kicked me, belittled me, threatened me, manipulated me for years and even kicked me out once before trying to coerce me to come back to her because I had to "think of your family and your grandmother".

She's also homophobic and part of her abuse towards me is because I'm a GNC lesbian: she constantly forced me to shave, even putting me down and hitting me while shaving my legs; I had no freedom of choice, had to secretly shop for clothes I liked and the few times she found out she cut my clothes with a scissor.

She thinks I'm a man, that I'm dirty and ungrateful, that at this point "I should just transition and live as a man". Just because I'm not what she wants me to be.

My dad touched my intimate parts when I was a kid repeatedly and so did my grandfather (his father) - they sexually abused me when I was barely 5 and it's the first time I say this out loud, but after one year of therapy I finally gathered the courage to say this. Not to mention that my father is incredibly violent, controlling and cheated on my mother multiple times because she wasn't "enough of a wife" for him.

I'm the result of a loveless marriage where my mother tried to undo all her failures and transfer her shitty dreams in me, and when I wasn't what she wanted, I was worth nothing but abuse and violence.

They're now dealing with the consequences of their abusive and terrible behaviour and they're trying to get away by saying that I lie, that I make everything up, that I'm a manipulator and a narcissist and that I "put up a persona with other people" and manipulate them in thinking they're evil - which they are. They try to uno reverse card every fucking thing they did by saying that I was actually the abusive one with them, when in reality I have trauma, depression and anxiety bc of them - and probably suffer from CPTSD (I'm being diagnosed by my psychiatrist).

This isn't even half of what these pieces of shit have done to my life, but unpacking all the trauma is honestly too much and triggering.

I'm done with this, being near them only makes me suicidal and completely reverts all the changes I've been trying to make within myself with therapy.

Unfortunately I need money to pay my uni apartment and for resources like public transportation and food - in the meantime I will look for a job, any job, although the economic situation in Italy is terrible and jobs are almost impossible to find.

I'm sorry I can't give any more proof - there's hundreds of stories like mine, and many of us here are poor and hardly get by. I feel terrible for having to ask for money and I don't want to force anyone or guilt anyone into donating - just sharing would be enough to help.

#tw #tw child sa #tw abuse #edited the post i forgot to add tags

[the-ever-flowing-styx]

Live reacting to Nightmare Time 2 Ep 3 “Daddy”

- Lex!

- Sherman !1!!

- Milf alert

- ok Shermans mother is for sure sketchy Frank pulls absolutely no bitches and yet here she is hitting on him

- Okay is everyone in the Young household played by Jaime Lyn Beatty?? that gives them a nice creep factor good touch

- damn that is a nice dress

- oh my god shermans collection

- “the holy grail of cowborg toys” excuse me??

- “mother says she spoils the men in her life” “dOeS sHe NoW?”

- he was murdered you say..

- alllchooooholll

- either sheila is super horny or she killed her husband no in between

- nvm she killed her husband 1000% cross my heart

- omg they got married this is funny as shit

- omg sheila babies him nooo wayyyy

- damn frank 

- lex !!!11!!111!

- frank you’re married you can’t be weirdly sexual like that

- IT’S SHERMANS BIRTHDAY THIS MONTH

- he’s only 41 omg i thought he was like in his seventys

- nonono frank not a good idea

- “i’m not going anywhere” that’s a pretty suspicious thing for a seemingly non-aging lady who probably killed her husband to say...

- he can’t eat the crunchy pieces fRaNk what’s so hard to understand 

- BECKY BARNES

- yeah frank, stop gaslighting her

- HE’S STILL WEARING THE HAT I REPEAT HE’S STILL WEARING THE HAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL

- holy shit i think shermans into frank think about it

- ngl that was a girlboss move on sheilas part slay queen

- fuck you frank

- “pEtEr PaN?1?!1?/”

- no don’t be mean to sherman he’s just a little guy!!11!

- sheila is such a slay honestly

- “your money made you monsters” hey writers, that’s a bit on the nose maybe scale it back. even i can see this coming

- sherman is so oblivious omg 

- 😰

- HOW DARE YOU CALL HIM WEIRD

- “no one walks out on sheila young!” huh. that’s veeerrryyy interesting phrasing there sheilster. i wonder what you mean...

- um okay secret husband hole that’s something you don’t see every day

- “just like all the others” I FUCKIN CALLED IT

- “it’s a nightmare” omg thats the name of the show!1!1!!1!!

- HE’S IN A HURRY

- OMG HONEY FESTIVAL

- sherman spitting facts

- why is this kinda romantic like damn

- frank is being so manipulative :(

- this hug scene shit is so sexual what the fuck

- NOO BARRY

- top 10 anime betrayals

- TED

- ted doesn’t even care that she’s married what an icon

- again??

- girlboss behavior

- oh the gift you say  interesting

- frank x barry

- top 10 anime betrayals part 2

- fuck i totally forgot his dog died

- a force protecting frank you say... hmmm.....

- no my boy marco

- “i’ll make another one” ???? sheila????

- altar?? is she gonna sacrifice him??? place your bets on what lord in black she sacrifices him to

- okay so she has the gift from the black book, checks out

- ohhh so she didn’t kill him 

- insert meta starkid / church of the starry children joke here

- i’m so confused how did shermans dad get killed by the og hatchetmen and was part of the the og church but sherman is only 41

- fuck that’s a good explanation for her whole thing

-damn

- oh so shermans dad wasn’t killed by the og hatchetmen

- still doesn’t explain sherman being comparitively young though

- and why does he look so old

- has sheila been stealing his years too?

- girl why are you invoking them this will only end badly

- SUGAR GLIDERS COMEBACK

- omg slay sherman look at the little man go

- gotta eat them ashes

- omg little baby shermannn

- “huzzah!”

#starkid #team starkid #nmt2 #nmt2 daddy #sherman young #frank pricely #sheila young #the man in a hurry

[themainroboot]

Vent cos apparently that's all I use tumblr for anymore. Tw for pretty much everything

Also this is gonna be a long one

What the f u c k is wrong with me. Everything about me is just so-

For one thing I'm a shitty selfish person. I literally have no good qualities- no matter how hard I think about it. Nothings good about me. And yet I have a bunch of shitty qualities. My "good" qualities aren't actually me. Im "silly" and "funny" because people used to hate me because autism made me "boring" (all I ever wanted to do was talk about planes and shit aidjrjorfk) so I almost subconciously MADE myself crazy and odd like I am just so people don't abandon me anymore. I was like 4 years old. I can't even control it anymore. And yet all my bad qualities- lazy, selfish, toxic, manipulative, anxious, temperamental, abusive, gross. Those are all me.

My body is also the most disgusting thing ever- in every sense of the word. I barely ever shower because I can't bare to see myself naked because gender and also trauma. Speaking of that, fuck my body. I'm so fucking curvy and everything is just so- it's basically the most socially "desirable" female body ever (minus the fact I'm a fat bitch), so. Why do I hate it. Because I'm just so fucking selfish. I'm a spoilt piece of shit. Nothings ever fucking good enough for me. I have what a NORMAL person would want, and yet I would give fucking everything to trade it for even the LEAST "desirable" male body. Why can't I just keep pretending to be a girl. It worked for 14 years. 14 years of pushing myself to be the most "girly" thing possible (like wearing dresses everywhere and shit) because "that's what will make me feel like a girl" and wondering why it just made me feel worse. Maybe I should just grow my hair out again, the one thing I've ever been able to do for myself, and just keep pretending. Sure I'd want to die the entire time, but I at least owe it to my mother. I've hurt her enough. I'm a horrible toxic shitty person. I abuse her. I do nothing but make her hurt, cry, and I gave her terminally high blood preassure from stress. She could have a stroke and die any moment. Because of me. She always wanted a DAUGHTER, not a son. I'm so shitty. I can't even do that for her. I'm the worst child in the world.

In fact I'm so selfish I can't even look at my fucking boyfriends tumblr reblogs (and now intro) without being reminded of even MORE fucking trauma that I didnt even fucking remember and fucking great now I'm collecting triggers like fucking pronouns because I'm just so fucking selfish.

Doesn't help that I scratched my arm so hard it fucking looks like 3rd degree burns. It's actually gross how bad it is you can even see lumps of fat coming out of it. All because of my pathetically dumb and selfish mental breakdowns. I'm the most shitty person in the world.

I feel disgusting for even posting these vents cos I just worry and hurt people who care about me but I can't fuckung shut up so what the fuck do I even do anymore.

Sorry it was so long. I want to die again yay.

(I promise I won't actually attempt I just really want to fucking die in my sleep or something)

[paleclementine]

genuinely have no idea where I left off last time. Me and my dad did our trip to southern Utah to see the eclipse. There's so much to say about that whole weekend, but Ive been too exhausted to say anything about it other than a few bits and pieces, even Anthony, which truly does mean something. even if I'm actively angry and upset, I'll rant about my family to Anthony, but when I finally saw him, I was too exhausted to do anything but tell him how tiring it was and slip a single tear down my cheek.

I know i'll look back on this trip and likely be mad at myself for being so... conflicted/upset/on the verge of a mental breakdown throughout the whole thing, but it wasn't rose tinted. The trip was fun and good and me and my dad got along, but it was always good with a hint of waiting for the other shoe to drop. In a very tangible way. My dad talked to me a lot and was very morose-- about mom, hailey, caleb, his knee, life, death, god, religion, Mormonism. Every. Single. Thing. that I was afraid he would talk about? he talked about. I grinned and bore it, but Christ fucking fuck man, it's so hard. I think people give families too much credit-- they're fucking hard to deal with, or maybe mine is. I always feel weird when people value their families so much and get along with them and choose them over other things, because I just don't feel at at all-- nevermind the fact that I do choose them over other things because I am an easily manipulated forest animal.

I don't have enough energy to go through the play by play. I was with Anthony at Amy's house on Thursday and Monday. it was really nice thursday- me and Anthony got pho and went to the mall for a while. On Monday, I crashed there at 4:30 am and slept until 10. Me Anthony and Amy got burritos and went to Costco and got ice cream after that. It was really fun, me and Amy actually talked normally and I don't really know what compelled me to not feel like I wasn't collapsing in on myself with insecurity when I was around her. It has nothing to do with Amy, just that I'm intimidated by her. She's like an older, more mature version of Hailey.

I finally finsihed the new chapter of my fic (achilles come down) and posted it. I have motivation to work on it/finish it again, but I really coudln't say why. I just want it to have a ton of reads and get famous. I'm aiming for BARE MINIMUM 3,000, hoping for 14,000, and praying that I get over 50,000 hits. that would fr be a dream.

I have been listening to Folie a Deux a shit ton. It's such an underrated album. I've also been listening to Evermore a shit ton. IDk. I'm not feeling very -fall aesthetic the smiths autumn leaves the Sundays etc etc etc-. I just want to listen to what I like, and what I like rn is Taylor Swift, Fall Out Boy, Evanescence, and Mother Mother. Maybe I'm becoming emo again.

I'm skipping class rn bc I was late and I didn't want to go anyway,, and just-- god I cannot listen to people get a boner over how they're totally not racist/misogynistic (the class is all white people and women other than 2 boys). i just caaaaaan't. everything hurts.

I keep saying "I want to go home," in my head, but I really just think I want to not be so fucking stressed out. School is unbearable. I literally cannot keep up with my own shit even though I'm only taking 4 classes. It's just so goddamn hard. I'm entirely unmotivated. All I want to do is hang out with Anthony or write 1000 words at a time. Christ. I'm such a hermit. I have no idea how I turned out to be this way. Writing is such an isolating hobby (and writing fanfiction even more so, because there's a layer of exclusivity and cringe to it that I'm over in myself but not when it comes to sharing with other people).

I also just... don't want to see my fucking rommates. I think they're annoying and fuck and pick me's and bitches. and self fucking centered. They're just so deep in their own shit they can't see anyone else around them. I'm going to see Jimena again and she's going to be like "omg girl where have you been what the fuck is wrong with you?" OROR OR she's going to completely ignore my presence like she did when I left this weekend. she just-- fucking pisses me off.

I'm just not in a good fucking mood lately. I might be depressed. I don't even feel motivated to go into the canyon anymore.

#livejournal

[elevatormusic]

my first reaction with zero context: only friends ep 6

i’m sorry. do y’all actually eat apples that aren’t green? the others are so gross

TWO MOTHERS LETS GO

bc you are a cheater

quit sleeping with boston maybe? idk that’s just me

oh that group project about to be awkward af

they’re way ahead of you my guy

i mean boston is a dick but he does have a point

i would be so scared to wear those hoops doing that

tell him nick

if he knows it was fucked why doesn’t he apologize first of all

choke him

babes back!!!!

do they not have NDAs in thailand? real question

i want him to

oh my mans is open open with his mom okay damn

we are at that point

the two tall fuckers are back together baby

why are you saying hi like you didn’t do the shit you did to him

y’all can def avoid each other

hit him again

now kiss

what was that for??

dude just answer him

you didn’t even get out of it he’s gonna know

ha those bitches look dumb af

ngl they’re lowkey boring to watch without him sleeping with someone else

sand what are you up to exactly? no way ray stops liking mew after this

i beg of you to stop hiding your feelings *i say as if i don’t do the same thing*

kinda funny that if someone else said that to ray he probably would’ve started a fight

not there????

but i called it was gonna be sand that told ray about ton and top

okay i love that they’re about to get what they deserve but also you just threw nick under the bus but also nick shouldn’t have done that so yes

sand is full on fuck relationships i just want to destroy this one man

he met his dad??

stop making that face you’re so obvious

oh going to ton first interesting

don’t let him manipulate you

how would that make him like you😭

at least say something that makes sense

*laughs* tell him ray please

not for long

wrong

tell. him.

i thought he was about to pull out a ring lmaoo

oh he’s trying

wait wash your hands first

let’s not y’all are toxic

where did sand come from😭

mans said why is this fool touching my mic

he looks so uncomfortable sir you got yourself into that

he’s about to be so toxic please

oh going for the lesbians too?? what did they do to you?

tell me why sand is the only one that went to stop him oh my god they all want the tea so bad

babe he’s been sleeping with you tho

honestly he should’ve decked him

sir i don’t think you understand what “caring and loving” means

why’d he yell at him tho lmao

okay well now you gotta tell him

just say it dammit

you just made a full out of yourself without saying what you were supposed to say

you really don’t deserve sand my god

fellow human😭😭😭😭😭

sand the only one that has morals. mans said idc if you get yourself killed but you ain’t getting others

call the cops??

he just called him a whore i’m so sorry who??? 👁️👄👁️

i’m so serious call the cops

don’t chase him you’re gonna get run over

nick leave

no he’s not💀

HUH?????

you lying piece of shit

well they were in a car

that’s what you took out of that??

hold on why did ray do that whole boston tea party if he already told mew?

#morgan reacts to things #only friends #only friends episode 6

[rippeds0cks]

5/27/2023

Im falling apart at the seams physically. My body cant keep up with all the pressure, stress, and work im putting it through. Its to the point where im taking ludicrous amounts of meds to keep it together. My body hurts so fucking bad from my muscles to my tendons to my bones im in pain all day. If i lose focus on whatever motor function im doing (using stairs, walking, running, fighting) i just collapse. Ive been dropping things cause the nerve damage in my hands is progressively getting worse. I deserve it though not only for being a piece of shit and failing those around me but just for my existence. My pops always told me growing up that “guys like us arent supposed to do well or live long” and i guess he was right cause im barely keeping myself in one piece. It’s ok tho cause im living for absolutely nothing right now. If i drop dead a couple people here n there will be sad but theyll soon forget and move on. I dont contribute anything to anyones life so its not like anything crumbles in my absence. Anyways every little detail ive ever known of my ex flooded back into my mind today in the gym and it left me fighting back tears and choking up while working out. Everything from how her old fursona back when she was a furry was a dutch angel dragon, how beautiful she looked everytime i saw her and her face lit up, the one time we were standing in the park at night and she kissed me and said “feels familiar”, how she always wanted to play apex or valorant, and most importantly as for now, how she used to make music. For shits and giggles i decided to go see if her music page was still up and it was. I decided to listen for old times sake and it reminded me of how i never told her how good i thought she was. I went straight to criticism and telling her how to improve it. Idk why im like that. Maybe cause its the way my parents were to me anytime i did anything i dont know. Its no excuse though. Dont get me wrong she still did rookie things like fill syllables with unnecessary curse words or make her vocals too low in the mixing process but its genuinely good music and ive been listening all day. Listening to the lyrics has made me realize how much i failed her. She placed a lot of emphasis and faith on me to help her or value her and i failed. And while my therapist would say something along the lines of “its not your responsibility to carry the burden of her happiness” i dont believe that to be the case at all. I think its something she placed in my hands trusting me and i failed. And that doesnt negate the insane way things ended between us. Her mother is still batshit fucking insane for the next level mental manipulation she did to my ex to make her mental state even more volatile than before. Idk. Maybe its my fault for leaving in the first place. Ive failed her every other way i cant not think i failed her by leaving and making those the only people she spent time around. Back when we first got together shes agree when her mother would say insane shit or treat her bad or her sister would bully her but by the end of it she flat out didnt think those things were happening. I just hope she got therapy like i begged her to so many times. Her ex best friend is a piece of shit though. Texting your best friends ex of almost 5 years the week after they have a nuclear break up confessing your unhealthy obsession from almost 6 years ago is disgusting. I was nice and all in my response because i thought my ex and her were doing it together as like a test of my character but i later found out it was just her disgusting ex best friend. And her reasoning as to why my ex shouldnt have gotten mad was “ive known you longer” no you dumb bitch youve known OF me longer. I didnt speak to you for 5 years you let this middle school crush go to your fucking head. I shared everything, heart and soul, with my ex for four almost 5 years and your disgusting selfish ass thinks you know me better cause we were locker mates in the 8th grade? Truly disgusting insane gross behavior. Anyways heres my exes music

#SoundCloud

[snake-and-apples]

What a crock of bullshit! You like to twist the narrative in your favor always, you never tell the whole truth to any event that happens in your life!

Yep I smashed that guitar! Remember why? You smashed my guitar while you storming out for no damn reason, all in spite of an argument you and I had that you were obviously not getting your way in and like a child you threw a fit and smashed my guitar on your way out of the apartment. My guitar!!! Let's add the fact that by this time I was so over letting you continue to destroy my things without consequences and as the saying goes, an eye for an eye equals a guitar for a guitar.

You destroyed everything that I cared for back then, and you continue to try to do so still today. You wonder why I am the way I am with "our" daughter? Look at the track record! I won't allow you to destroy her just to get at me. She isn't a tool to use against me at your disposal. The shit you tell her and do to her will fuck her up the way you were fucked up as a kid. She deserves better than what you offer her. She is stable, cared for, and surrounded by people who love and accept her the way she is. She doesn't need real life lessons from an absentee father who all of the sudden after 5 years of rejecting her wants to show her the hard lessons of life at 5 years old.

You have allowed her to get hurt and stood by doing nothing but bitching at me for being a mom to her. You already have made attempts to undermine my authority and decisions that I've made for her by telling her that I'm not good enough to make such decisions or not qualified to do this or that for her. She doesn't need that kind of shit thrown at her to make her feel some kind of way about herself or create any negative thoughts or feelings of her mother by your poor choice of words you choose to speak to her. You clearly have no idea what being. Parent is all about. It's about the child's well being and best interest, not about what you want or need from her. You're suppose to give yourself to her unconditionally without accomodations to whatever agenda you may have.

Every time I learn something new of you it is always in a negative aspect and it sickens me to pieces that I let you get so close to me even still recently. I can't hold on to you anymore, hoping that somewhere you may actually love me when you it's obviously you never did. You don't know what love is at all. You create requirements for your love, standards so ridiculously high and one sided that no one can ever truly achieve. You don't his so it creates ammunition against the person thus giving you an excuse, reason, and/or victimization card to use for yourself.

Disgusting. Sociopath for sure, no doubt. You love toying with people, manipulation, deceiving, and twisting truths into lies to benefit you. So I'm done! Done with you for good. You want rights to Millie, come take me to court here in Colorado! I'm sure the courts will overlook your current warrants for several domestic violence cases with different woman, your felony charges of aggravated assault against me along with grand auto theft. The other assault charges you accumulated while living here in colorado to other people. Your drug history recorded by the police and courts, your lack of involvement over the last 5 years including lack of child support paid for being her father. Tye psychological review I will require of you to do in hopes you would use to get the help you need to get to better.

You're a broken man and refuse to seek help to piece yourself together properly. Our daughter doesn't need a broken man as father, she needs a loving, understanding, and supportive father, the one you can't give her.

Stay away from us, just move on with your life and go destroy some other girl's life with your offspring And abusive ways. I won't let you hurt her. So yeah, you want her in your life, you have to go through me to get to her. Good luck to you and best wishes.... Somewhere else anyways.

[sulcrafatejackets]

And you’re really telling me that you’re a dish, weird kind of girl

Because of Betty, well, it’s a valid point, and it’s a point that Gramma couldn’t make so Stephanie Bryant wanted new handcream thought as she wanted to be Gramma I suppose Stephanie remind me of Eddie I said Betty and you’re not gonna take from my brother ever you fuck with my cheat and you fucked with Eddie is she, is she the Queen lie to them ha ha ha ha ha ha tell him I’m a piece of dog shit tell them I’m in incest piece of Betty trash woo Stephanie why am I wearing that Red Hat bitch and honey look back at the Nick stuff this is not just make of course it arbitrary well it is not arbitrary actually, so in a way we could say that Stephanie had me in my Butthole but hold on hold the fuck up

For the reason, obviously

You don’t cross into that chi ha okay that’s fair you don’t cross into a couple of those women’s energy fields I need Wawa and we little now oh really are you little also well I need you to be dead because you’re the person taking care of me I said did you have to be a big girl big yes I have had to be a really big girl for dish weed people apparently to take from me I guess whatever yeah well you know maybe we want it fresh also Nick thinks he’s so clever right now he’s making lesbian jokes do you know what I said yesterday or the day before right trigger buttons?

What’s going on in Australia some of the American girls are telling me some things are going on

Hey buddy, yeah I know there are some homelessness problems Stephanie Bryant and daddy are both in that category I said Betty

I had a feeling that is why Eddie and Gregg will help me

Stephen Bryant, Eric Gregg no not Red.

We’ve got we’ve got a situation. Where is Stephanie Bryant was manipulated by somebody else and I am not the somebody who tried to cross that line. Also, I do not recommend that you do that every day, but I do believe that some people had my best interest in mind.

Oh shit, Gramma, we had to throw some more faecal matter

And I suppose when Stephanie and daddy are without a home to Calderon, why am I hell with the prince of England allow that girl to sing the one who sings that song brand that I like Stephanie and daddy really well you know that’s why I’m daddy. sorry brother, I got my red heart on but I can always accessorise

What do you mean purple heart you caught it? It’s not a question. It’s a question for you. I don’t think you can’t either.

And that’s what you would do. Do you wanna be associated with trash like Stephanie daddy, Bryant, Stephanie Betty Bryant. Stephanie is going to get some Chinese goddamn money alright, but I don’t think she’s gonna like it.

Goddamnit, stop hurting their feelings it’s not cutting me how the fuck would it cut me oh my God I really feel like I’m inferior and a lot of shit I’m in my God I am absolutely a lump of shit and then I turn around I try on my 6° of separation thing oh mother mean what the fuck and I’ve been doing this since I was little yes, keep things fresh for all of us

[thingstotellthem]

You are such a fucking bitch and I fucking hate your guts.

You always always ALWAYS! Gaslight me!

Fucking always!

Is that the only language you speak mother?

Has menopause made you go dumb?

Has menopause made you loose your memory?

Or are you just becoming a classical posh bitch like your cunty mother?

How dare you go on and on and on about how you couldn't send me my money to pay for my lessons with excuses and excuses.

And then when I complain about it MONTHS later, you tell me 'oh well, that's because you never told me the sum!'

I told you three times.

I was with you each and every single time I calculated on that goddamned calculator the sum I needed to pay these expensive ass lessons with the greedy sexist little man YOU chose. With MY money. The one you're keeping for yourself and have most likely spent.

Hag. Fucking hag.

And this is not the only time!

You have constantly gaslighted me!

'You're not gay, it's a phase.'

'I never said that.' You said that to me when I was 13 and wanted to confide in you

'You don't deserve a choice.'

'I never said that' you said that to me when I was 14 and wanted my restrictions off my phone

'You don't deserve and opinion.'

'I never said that.' I was 14 when you said that to me and wanted less restrictions on my phone, I wanted you to stop looking in it as it was invasive

'You don't deserve privacy.' You have said that to me. As aforementioned above.

You're an abusive, manipulative, gaslighting piece of shit who's learnt that from your mother.

I really fucking hate you.

I hate you and love you because you've manipulated me into pitying you

I really really really despise you

I hate you

I detest you

I fucking Want to swear in your face and tell you how disgusting you are

That you've indeed threatened to kill yourself about three times in front of me, blamed it on me and then lied about it

You're a whole fucking bastard and I fucking hate you.

You're despicable and horrible and I detest you.

I don't have the words to show my hatred for you so I can only repeat it further and further

How dare you laugh at me when I get mad because of your gaslighting? How dare you lie and gaslight me further?

You're a monster, you learnt it from your mother, from that sexist, disgusting father of yours, and from your equally sexist, disgusting, abusive ex-husband.

I helped you, I ripped myself to shreds for you.

I lay myself bare in front of you and you cut off the pieces you needed and left with them.

You claim to love me but refuse to support me and adamantly force me to do things

You manipulate me and forced me into independence when you realised you didn't need me anymore since I was my own person at 15 and not your little girl dolly anymore

You're a whole fucking bitch, you're an asshole, you're a piece of shit, you're crap, you're a fuckface, the worst of the worst

I really really really fucking hate you and what you've done to me

I really fucking hate that you sent me over the edge so much that I had to parent myself

I really fucking hate that I had to parent you at a young age

I really fucking hate when you screamed at me to get out and slammed the door in my face, just missing my nose. You could've broken it or snapped a few blood vessels.

I really fucking hate when you ignored me because he bought me an iPad at 10, and told me with a face you'd make to an enemy that it was 'my choice'. You knew I was weak and co-dependent so you forcefully made me feel bad

I really fucking hate when you'd pull the 'oh well I guess I'm the worst mom then!' Just to get some reassure. Self conscious prick

I detest you

I aborr you

You're vile and detestable

Va te faire foutre, bouffe ton coude et étouffe toi sur tes doigts.

Tu es une pute, une sale connasse, une merdeuse et une putain de mère horrible. Tu es deguelasse et tu es une menteuse

Tu es chiante et tu me fais chier

Va te faire foutre

#actuallyabused #emotional abuse #suicide tw #parental abuse #parent mention #financial abuse #anon #♥

[aboutagirl4031]

I never deserved that, I never deserved the carelessness and neglect. I never deserved to spend my whole life thinking something is wrong with me. How dare you bring me into this world knowing you didn’t want me, how dare you blame me for my own existence, how dare you make me feel like I ruined your whole life because you weren’t able to take responsibility and handle being a mother. I fucking hate you for what you’ve done and who you chose to be. How dare you form a bond with me and then shove me when I need you, how dare you tell me you’d always be here but my whole life put everyone and everything before me. How dare you deprive me of love and affection, how dare you sit idly by as my abuse unraveled, how dare you know exactly what happened to me and spend my whole life TELLING ME IM JUST BROKEN. I wasn’t a good child I was just scared, I know that now, I wasn’t obedient or quiet, I was abused, I know that now. How could you see your baby being abused and blame her. Fuck you, sincerely. I don’t trust you and I’m glad I never did, I’m so happy I knew how cold you really were, I’m so glad your dumb and in denial. I’m glad I could let go of you, I was just a broken baby who held onto you because nobody ever taught me or told me anything. I know what I know and I am who I am because of me! I did this, I made me, I educated myself, I’m strong because of me!. My existence is not you and him, it’s me!

You guys are careless kids …to this day, you guys were two dumbasses who don’t think about the consequences of their actions, you had no intentions of loving us, you were just fucking for any type of love and affection. You did not even begin to think about the lifelong relationship your obligated to have with the kids you bring into this world. I’m not the problem, me existing isn’t a problem, your the fucking problem bitch and I’m tired of you sitting in your victim complex trying to convince us that our existence is why your miserable, you should have done the right thing and go to your appointments like you were suppose to, you should have used a condom, you should have aborted, you should have given us away. We did not deserve to be neglected and manipulated our whole lives just because your own pain and ignorance. The cycle continued and it stops with me!. I am great, I am resilient, I am strong, I am everything you wanted to be, I am everything you couldn’t even fathom, I carry the weight of the last 100 years and I’m doing this with absolutely no guidance or support, I’m alone, I’m doing this. I’m putting in the footwork, I’m dealing with the demons. Not you! Me!

Doing this, there’s no medal or congratulations for breaking the cycle, I do this because I know and understand that my own deserve better. They deserve happiness and prosperity. I’m done being your doormat and scapegoat, I’m done tkaing your shit, I’m done making excuses for your behaviors. You deserve the guilt that keeps you up at night, you deserve your crutch on opioids to sleep and get by everyday, you deserve to drown in that bottle of vodka and you deserve the relationship with that piece of shit. You deserve the life you have and no I make no apologies for how I choose to deal with how your abuse that has broken me time and time again.