#and make it thru this year if it kills me!

[soldier-poet-king]

i also need to engage w more weird art. just. in general. i dont really watch movies. but like. visual art. books. zines. idgaf. i am going to start doing more of that. for me.

if u wanna send me ur fave weird art recs that you think i'd vibe with, please do.

#it's hard bc social media has created a horrible echo chamber #ppl dont just stumble into weird lifechanging art anymore #or at least. i dont #and like. the whole publishing industry booktok thing #but anyway! i am going to try! #2024 resolutions are like. be weirder in a way that nourishes my soul. start lifting again and actually tracking nmbers #bc i need motivation and i like tracking numbers but i sure af am not gonna track my weight that is a recipe for disaster #so how much i can lift!! sounds good!! #make more art of my own even when it's bad and ugly #and make it thru this year if it kills me! #the duality of fran

[lovehours]

i don’t even fucking care

#house md #house spoilers #hilson #the fact that house is consistently selfish. that he’s an addict. he’s always in pain #but he gave up his vicodin for wilson. mind you the pain in his thigh must have been excruciating #bc consistently whenever he’s extremely stressed or worried the pain gets worse #but wilson is still his priority. he put wilson above the burning pain god man😭 #him giving up his freedom HIS LIFE for someone who has less than half a year to live like oh my god #the love house has for wilson actually makes me sick bc even outside of the cancer arc house has done things for wilsons sake #like almost killing himself just to help him and amber. drugging him at that one conference from s6 #he’s an asshole often times but he truly is the only constant in his life. they both are for each other #i actually feel sick. im not on everybody dies yet (im on the c word rn) but god idk how im gonna get thru this😭 #5x13 big baby #8x19 the c word #1x01 everybody lies #8x22 everybody dies #7x15 bombshells #8x21 holding on #where the quotes are from btw #sorry for the essay in tags

[endofbeginings]

Thinking about mamma rossella and ferrari drivers over the years.... cheek to cheek, forehead to forehead HAND IN HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#the heat and humidity are really getting to me I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THESE FUCKING CAVALLINI ROSSI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #anyway the love the red horses have for their people and viceversa makes me cry every single time #i should be studying but im reading the messages seb has written to mamma rossella thru the years and i feel insane #the fernando pic absolutely kills me u KNOW that man must be a menace doing la sobremesa and she would eat it up every time #i spent too much time looking at the trip advisors pics now i want a proper pasta dish so bad.... #like the ones my italian grandma would make..... pleek i onyl have chickpeas in the pantry this is a disgrace #i have too many driver tags this is getting out of hand #fernando alonso #seb #charles leclerc #carlos sainz #felipe massa #ferrari #rubens barichello #own post #f1

[alackofghosts]

they have fun... ;u;

#making nice winter art to get thru the -20 degree hell sdjkfhsj #it happens every year but every time i'm like. the outside world is trying to kill me specifically #warrior of light #Alisaie Leveilleur #fanart #speedpaint #i draw sometimes #Final Fantasy XIV

[no-light-left-on]

I often wonder about the quote-unquote logistics of Corvo the Black/Emily the Butcher endings. Emily makes more sense to me, in a way, carving her way through the empire only to come back with blood caked under her fingernails and realising that she did everything her father refused to do 15 years ago. but why did Corvo have a similar choice?

what happens to the statues later? does Emily keep her father trapped in stone? does Corvo look at his daughter, frozen in the moment and considers freeing her? is he at his deathbed when he finally reaches out and cups Emily's cheek, freeing her into a carcass of an empire that he gutted for her, in her name, in the name of her mother?

when I first heard of the endings I thought that if you reach very high chaos, you are locked into this choice - Corvo or Emily tries to free the other and the stone just doesn't budge. they are trapped. the quest is over but the world knows that the bloodshed was extreme and this is the punishment they have to face

#li.txt #dh #dishonored #kinda like the high chaos brigmore witches ending #there is no reason for corvo to kill daud if you finish BW in high chaos. but he still does. because the world Knows #but the very Active choice of the player and by extension the character to take the throne and keep their last family locked in stone.... #its certainly a choice. and it makes me wonder about many a thing #i really wish we got more info #karnaisbear mentioned that itd be cool if we got comics expanding on alternate endings and like arkane. arkane can we please get those #I just really wanna know What It Was Like to live under the rule of Emily or Corvo in the very high chaos endings #and the fact that it seems like they can still free the other person? that adds so much more angst and tension to it #is there a time limit? do years pass and does corvo grow old and weary and thinks that yes #he has done his job and he has done it well. and the empire is righted and he can hand it back to emily now #and he cups her cheek and it remains cold marble #and all he did was for nothing #and he cries #(can u tell ive been reading thru the corvo the black tag) #not to mention something similar to that but with emily!! #imagine she grows old! older than corvo was when he was frozen! #the century is coming to a close when she finally frees him and she is older so much older and corvo will have to live with losing her #in every single impossible way he has lost her #and then he gets to bury his daughter #these tags got so dark wtf

[tollsoftheclockwerkbelle]

shadow being portrayed in the past as hating friendship was a result of his first only and last friend being traumatically murdered in front of him and ever since it happened he wouldn't allow himself to make any future connections in order to cope but his new angle of having confidence with oneself is a reflection of his progress in overcoming his internal struggle and grief allowing himself to finally move past what happened and embrace making new friends send post

#sonic #sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #year of shadow #fearless year of shadow #ngl this was mostly inspired by that new year of shadow promo lol #the narrative of shadow relating to a girl anxious about her new life and being unsure about making friends #and telling her to be confident in herself and try doing it anyways. got to me bro okay? #on a related note if this ends up being shadow's character arc in Sonic 3 #-ie Sonic & co. cause shadow to arc thru & process his trauma and he allows himself to connect with them in the end #this movie may have a higher kill count than just maria #. it's me. i will die

[ferncloud]

hmm i wonder if tumblr user ferncloud likes ferncloud...

/.\ MAYBE...

#LOL #when i first got this username in 2014 i liked her just fine but in a sort of whatever way #over the years ive grown quite attached HAHAHA i love her shes so kitty of all time #her mother is killed horrifically and left outside her home & she immediately offers herself to lead the dogs which is a near death sentenc #& weeks later she participates in a massive battle to the death with bloodclan... these events r often credited as traumatic experiences #explaining ashfurs terrible life choices but ferncloud went thru the same thangs. & then dustpelt.... was an adult hovering over her through #out all of this. & then she just wants to have kittens & if were reading into it maybe she wants to raise kittens the way she wishes she was #raised but many of her kittens die early or make it to adulthood but die b4 her. & on top of just what we know about her life shes hated by #thousands of readers for being a woman who wants to raise kids. & SHES KILLED CUZ SHES SO HATED... #i notice even now ferncloud is still reduced to motherhood by a lot of ppl #& thats ok its not that deep shes a bg character its nobodys job to think about everything. but she can be so personal & special & emo too #she is to me 💗 im proud to be a ferncloud. if ferncloud has 0 fans it cuz i died 😁 #Oh i also have the handdrawn comic page from a shadow in riverclan by james that has ferncloud blushing at feathertail LOL #i am sooooooooo sorry for this miles long tags rant #ask

[xray-vex]

HOW YOUR EMAIL FINDS ME

#literally. re: email from my ex this morning #every day it takes every ounce of mental and emotional strength i have to get my ass out of bed and face the day #today i begin packing to move the fuck out of here #everything fucking hurts and i hate this so much #i'm not feeling brave about any of this #one of the worst things about a breakup is that it damages you for any potential future relationships #in the sense that “how can i ever trust anyone with my heart and my love ever again?” #as if it's not bad enough losing someone you thought would be in your life forever #but the deeply cutting betrayal of finding out that this person you actually trusted with your literal life had led you on FOR YEARS #ESPECIALLY in the sense that this whole scenario is giving me intense flashbacks to the ending of another relationship #that broke me so bad it almost killed me #and it's easy for them to say “i hope you find someone who makes you happy” when they have someone new in their life #if i believed i had prospects for a new romantic relationship then it would be a little easier for me to collect myself & regroup & move on #but i don't think i have it in me to go thru any of this again #and that gives me even more layers of anger and rage and grief #as if it wasn't enough to betray me and break my fucking heart #but it broke me FOR ANY FUTURE LOVE AND HAPPINESS TOO #i know it's not productive for me to think that way #but right now i am fucking drowning in my fucking pain and fucking grief and fucking rage #i wanted stability and love and trust and someone to come home to every night and someone to come home to me every night #i just wanted to love and be loved #i wanted someone who i could call home #I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED #rage #grief #trauma #edward teach #our flag means death #ofmd

[helianthus21]

literally yeon said that even the smallest paper cuts on rang hurt him worse than any sword ever could and i believe him and i also think that being forced to mortally wound rang killed him a little bit inside, esp after already doing the same to his first love, but he dealt with all that by telling rang he's being a big baby and i find that all so fascinating,,,

#peak oldest sibling #akusdj #i want to study him like a bug #like why are u the way that you are. compels me #lee yeon #lee rang #totnt #you might've thought i was over them #but im not #he's the mirror image of cain if u think about it #and also that guy who was told to kill his son but couldnt go thru with it #the cain who couldn't. #the abraham (was that him?) who volunteered to kill his son/brother #bc that was the only way to make sure #he would survive #but still he has to piss him off for 600 years which proves that however much of a parental figure he is #he's still a big brother at heart asj

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#shout out to my nana for saying my dad spends money like water #my dad who struggles with the idea of spending money bc of obsessive compilation thoughts but is making an effort #bc whats the point of saving up all your life just to die. nana? my dad whose wife is literally dying of cancer and is beginning to circle #the drain so hes deciding he wants to start spending his retirement money now while shes still alive. u old witch. Jesus christ. my mum #isnt gonna live forever. shes getting her bladder removed in February i think. imo ill just b happy if she lives past the end of my 5year #program. like holy fuck. i mean. its not really nanas fault. she probably has 0cd and probably has 0cpd. but like this is y u wanna try to #get better. so you dont grow into a miserable old fuck whose family hates u bc ur awful and killing ur husband thru ur illness. just saying #as someone whose can see their own behaviors mirrored in her. this is y i cant go on like this lol #hopefully i hit my rock bottom last year. ugh. i just wish i could sleep. when im not super depressed i cant seem to get a normal amount of #sleep and im exhausted all afternoon. im awake at night and early in the morning. it makes me nauseous too. insomnia i guess #but ive always slept rather little. maybe it was compulsive and now im just old and cant take it #hate it. wish it would stop but at least i dont feel like dying anymore i guess. im guessing the meds r exacerbating thr sleep issues if not #causing it. ugh symptom management i guess #unrelated

[bowenoke]

Patch notes (1.1.2023):

For the last 5 years I have listened to "This Year" by the mountain goats at the end of every year, at around 11:55pm 12/31. In review of the last 5 years, I have decided to stop damning us all and instead listened to a cowboy ballad this year. May you win every highnoon duel you start . Sorry about the curse

#for non-fans this year includes the line 'im gonna make it thru this year if it kills me' #which was very appropriate for 2017 #but im starting to think it may have been acting as some sort of curse #first song of the year was technicolour by montaigne :D #the cowboy ballad was smokin joe rudeboy

[mishkakagehishka]

Idc anymore i think i'm a good enough writer that i can say that when i noticed the pattern in what exactly makes a book "good" on booktok (and, bc of that, what makes it popular and top bestseller lists), it feels almost demeaning and denigrating to the entire craft. Idk if i should blame the way tiktok-esque social media has utterly rotted everyone's ability to concentrate and read more than three sentences, but literally none of those books are objectively good.

(Yes, yes, art is subjective. HOWEVER. Art is subjective when you look at style, at themes, at motifs, at plots and characters. Art is still a craft, it still requires skill. I've seen beyond the tiktok quotes of these books. Not even their editors are good given the amount of typos/spelling mistakes. That is not something that you should find in a traditionally published book.)

You look at these books, and you know the only reason for their existence is to make money. I cannot and will not accept that as art.

(I'm on Tumblr, of course I have to explain every point. Artists who make money off their art =/= people who only create art meant to be profitable. There is a difference between an artist who hopes to monetise doing what they love, who creates what they wish to see more of and who happens to then create something that other people wish to see more of, and a person who looks at what's trending and decides that making an unholy frankenstein's monster of a book that mashes all those trending tropes and motifs together would get them rich quick. The fact that a lot of these booktok books become popular because of nepotism is just the cherry on top. It's soulless.)

And to finally say what I wanted to say, it's because none of these books have any deeper message or even artistic value to them. You will find a few out of context quotes or paragraphs, ones written specifically so they'd look deep and beautiful when taken out of context, so that people would post them, so that people would buy the books. Entire books written just so those few lines could become viral and make cash. It cannot even be compared to a hook line writers would post to get people interested in their works, because in booktok's case, those are the only lines of quality and in the context itself, they are often out of place and forced.

I just hate booktok, i hate what modern social media has done to art. It's all created to be quickly consumed, for the few ☆aesthetic☆ glances, and then discarded. Just to make more money for those who are already nepo babies. As if artists needed more obstacles to jump over.

#of course historically it's always been the same #people with free time to create (rich powerful) created #very rarely did you see someone from a humble bg make it as an artist #which is why killing maiming everyone saying Shakespeare was actually a rich guy btw #but like it makes me angry personally #before you call me just jealous - i don't have any wish to monetise my art #my career ambitions lie in a different field (tho adjacent i suppose since i'm a linguist) #i'm saying it makes me angry for other writers who want to make money doing what they love most #it's always been hard. you've always had to have connections or fight tooth and nail for a chance at being published #why? because of how SUBJECTIVE it is #but at least if your skills distinct you and if you bring a truly unique concept you'd have better chances #then modern social media rolled around and no longer can we just publish and disappear no no #WE have to market our works. on twitter on instagram on podcasts on the radio and tv it's up to the authors #i already found that demeaning enough as an introvert #but now it's not even that. publishers no longer look for unique and distinct #they found out booktok is the real cash cow. they look for colleen hoovers who publish fifty books a year #all of poor quality but with enough aesthetic lines that they can easily be marketed thru #the youth who uses AO3 tags and ''omg it's so girlboss!'' and ''it has representation! (not really it's always piss poor rep)'' to market #it to others. who take the same line over and over and go ''omg... this is so deep'' but the lines never look good in context

[sailermoon]

it is that time of year where I begin to blast this year by the mountain goats on repeat

#anyways. I am gonna make it thru this year if it kills me

[aphel1on]

"i am going to write a fix-it"

7k in my pov character is attempting suicide

#this has happened. more than once. #listen sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can go up #suicide cw #'babe are u ok uve written characters trying to kill themselves multiple times in the last year' #no i am not thank you for asking! but im outsourcing all my breakdowns to fictional characters so it's gucci #no to be honest tho it is not as drastic as that potentially makes it sound #when i am going thru a rougher patch of mental health #i DO end up writing more 'darkfic' or whatever #where my characters are going thru it even worse than i am #and honestly its just cathartic. and helps me process things #and most of the time i even DO get to the comfort part of the hurt/comfort eventually #which is like a big psychic hug or blanket draped around my shoulders #so anyway #aphelion.txt #writing #fanfic

[espectres]

Shou's selflessness issues got to be his fatal flaw and it's literally so funny to me cuz it's not the stereotypical "I'm a hero i should die for all the strangers i dont even know" or smthing so noble and beautiful like that nooooo. It's the way he's so content with all the shit he's been thru, the way he just rolls with the punches, makes peace with the difficulties, and even if he ever decides to make a change it's never really "this is bad for me so it must change" it's just the " im responsible for this this is something i should do", his standards for what he deserves and what he doesn't has long since been kind of fucked up by how little anyone made effort to keep his best interests in mind, he has been bossed around and pushed into corners and limits over and over without a choice, he has never been truly seen and understood and taken seriously, and he ended up ignoring his own feelings for the sake of doing things he believed he had to do even if he never wanted to.

Shou never wanted to fight his father, he neved wanted to face that fear, he never wanted his father to be taken away from him in any way, but he believed that he had to fight because he has powers, he has to do things this way because it's what his father deserves, because Shou has this brilliant disfigured sense of morality that only he can understand where hurting everyone and himself to a degree is excused as long as his father gets what he deserves, it's a duty! a responsibility! and the only way he knew how to do things, because no one has ever told him that it's ok to not face all of this, it's ok to escape when it gets bad, to think of yourself, to run away.

And it's the same sense of selflessness that doesn't allow him to think too hardly of something he has with someone, he's so ready to look past red flags as long as he's content, and he's so .. easily contented ... he is genuinely so forgiving and rarely holds grudges, it's not something he works on, it's something that comes naturally, especially when he really loves, but also in general regards to almost anyone and everything. He may get hurt but he forgets, let him love and he'll forgive, he's just simple like that, there is not much more to it. And it only gets worse when his sharp senses of intuition and perception and survival instinct just get yeeted outta the window when he gets attached.

#“SHOU'S PARENTS ARE BAD HE DESERVES BETTER-” they're all he has. #have you thought abt that ???? abt how much you're asking of him??? for someone to let go of what little he has ????? #he makes me so unwell #idk if i get the idea thru alright but this is by no means smthing good to happen to him #it's just how he is after years of being in a really terrible environment and yeah it sucks #will he do smthing abt it? probably not #he needs to learns and change the baseline for how to treat and be treated and everything in between cuz on god does he not know shit #anyway i needed to talk abt this after reading a couple fics and one of them had shou get attached to a rabbit #and it nearly kills him #and he just doesn't see it coming at all when EVERYONE else sees it #just because he loved the thing sm and it made him happy #there is no spell or curse or anything it just the way shou is #hhhhhhhhhhh #WEEPS FOREVER #ショウ ; i realized that youth is grey. / headcanon. #ショウ ; what a cruel adolescence. / study.

[volfoss]

I really think reading the old cap stuff w both knowledge Bucky will get blown up and also be the second shooter that killed JFK is really adding a lot to my enjoyment of it. Cannot wait to see him get blown up I'm sorry

#twist rambles #the old comics r literally so bad 90% of the time. listen to me if u are someone curious about bu/cky. dont fucking do it. its not worth it #its just getting my need to blow him up increased. did you know they wrote him so so badly at first... i do now #im doing it all for a series from 2020 i as a comic fan love to suffer thru like 80 years of comics that are horrible to get to like 3 good #series. I'm excited to see what brub/aker does w him. and to meet alpine... and to see him kill (for the most part... i think ill have to #reread the um. wolveri/ne was at hirosh/ima when the bomb dropped comic. and i think that will make me feel rage on new levels). i think #that there is a special hell in being a cap fan at times. but i will survive ok. prommy. i just have like... countdown until he blows up in #my mind ok. let it be known i care abt him. but i need him to die violently ok. for me :3