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#and ofc the romantic relationships are sO COMPLEX AND DIFFERENT AND NOT LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS BUT ALSO JUST ENOUGH LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS

sugaredrhubarb · 7 months

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Reading with Ru: Aug/Sept Fic Recs

I know I'm certainly in need of some positivity and escapism lately, so I'm gonna try to do semi-regular fic and book recs! Starting with a retroactive what I've been reading from the past couple of months with this account! (I might go back in time and make an all-time rec list later)

COD

starting with cod because i know most of you go here

Sergeant Squeaks by @charliemwrites - (series of one-shots ghost x reader and price x reader separately) both one of my favourite reader characters and my favourite canon setting depictions of Ghost and Price. their own weird brands of showing love are wonderful; the tension leading to getting together is fantastic, and the sex is super enjoyable.

Ghost Stories by @kneelingshadowsalome - (ghost x medic!reader) I'm repeating myself, but I love Salome's writing. This is where I was first introduced to it, and I think it's really special. Ghost POV as he struggles with developing and then accepting love. felt so real and grounded. angsty and then fluffy, and you can't help but adore the reader as well.

saltwater by @ceilidho - (ghost x reader) It's pretty unlikely any of you don't know Ceil, but on the off chance you haven't given this one a read yet, it really is a must. I lump praise on her pretty regularly, but I don't know anyone who is able to portray their character's emotions as intimately as Ceil. her ghost feels really grounded in all his complexity. there is a common theme in these recs of really enjoyable reader characters, and this is not an exception; the reader feels like a full but still ambiguous character who is vulnerable and strong and really great.

don't leave me locked in your heart by @ohbo-ohno - (ghoap x reader dark!) we all know bo, we all love bo. I always love the way she depicts ghost and soap's dynamic changing and evolving to include the reader. the descent into dark territory in this is really really fun. It's also just hot and well-written! if you haven't read it before, go read it, and then go read all of bo's drabbles and asks on here. genuinely one of my favourite dark but still fun writers. I think she balances it really well.

body electric by @yeyinde and Afterburn by @sprout-fics - (141 + Los Vaqueros x reader) a classic. I've returned to these so many times. sometimes you just want to read dirty, filthy, well done, smut and then warm cozy aftercare. not to wax poetic about pure sex (except that's exactly what one should do), but I think it can be really hard to write group sex like this and still have such insightful and individual glimpses into each character and dynamic, and Lev does it wonderfully. and then it's also hard to find good aftercare fic, and Sprout's feels like literal aftercare for both the reader character and the reader.

other fandoms

tried to curate to themes i think overlap in some of the cod works! and I think most of these can be read fandom blind.

i revisited @winterrose527's fic in August, and even though she already knows how much I love her work, I won't skip a chance to repeat it. Anna writes for asoiaf and is pretty much the queen of Robb Stark/Myrcella Baratheon, but I would say the modern AUs (my favs) can be read almost completely fandom blind. Any contemporary romance enjoyer would love her work. I'm really partial to her kid/single-parent fics. I think it's so hard to get right, and I always adore reading her kid characters and how she approaches love stories when kids are involved. anna's works are always brimming with love and incredible platonic, familiar, parent-child, and romantic relationships (if kid fic isn't your thing she also has a ton of other great fics). personal favs: We Could Be a Little Something, And There They Are, All the Same

Lawless by @goldcranes - (arthur morgan x ofc) age difference, cowboy love story, essentially a romance novel. if goldcranes has no fans, I'm dead. I encourage you to explore her work; very few people write as strongly across multiple fandoms as she does, and each of her works feels like a really strong love story with special characters.

The Odyssey by @sunlightmurdock - (bradley bradshaw x reader) 1980's roman literature prof x virgin student - no need to know top gun. katie's work is another entry in the 'feels like it stands really strongly separately from the source material' category. she has multiple ongoing AU's that I really love, but this one is a favourite. i think she does complex characters really well - their actions always feel intentional, and as flawed as they are, I always love them.

Wouldn't it be Nice by allyoops - (m/f captive A/B/O) if you aren't reading original works smut on ao3 you are missing out and allyoops is a great place to start for noncon, dubcon, age gap, taboo etc. enjoyers. they have a ton of works; usually one shots with lots of really delicious dynamics and different settings and tropes.

An Intoxicating Presence by FormerlyIR - (mob a/b/o haladriel) MOB. A/B/O. HALADRIEL. picks up with Halbrand in prison thanks to undercover FBI agent (and his mate!) Galadriel. does that sound crazy and awesome? well it is. mix it with Gal's internal struggle, the added complication of omegaverse, and overall great writing. really fun and really damn good.

civitas terrena by banalityofweevil - (darklina) angel Alina on an exploration of love in immortality with fallen angel Aleks. honestly, it's just a must-read for enjoyers of writing. incredibly creative with divine (literally and figuratively) imagery. i think one of my comments was on the precision of lulu's diction and I really stand by that.

tinsel into gold by ribbonedhare - (darklina) ddlg and cnc friends, this changed me. it is so warm and soft and my god, is it good. just scrumptious.

Be My Babydoll by KittyDruthers - (darklina) ddlg dollification need I say more

check the reading with ru tag for more!

#reading with ru #if you read any of these and wanna yell about em with me my asks are open!#fic rec #ao3 #fanfiction #fanfics #cod #darklina #fanfic recs

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grapejuicestyless · 7 months

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i’m rlly sad summers gone but like I have a winter request for conrad so we good !!

fem reader (conklinnn ofc) and conrad used to date but then had a messy breakup so now everyone is in college and yn doesn’t have anywhere to go because everyone is off doing something for winter break so she takes stevens car and drives down to the summer house and conrad shows up a day later and she’s freaking out. They both stay there the whole week and romantic feelings and nostalgia builds up again 🤌🏻

you can add some of your own stuff too because your soooo creative and your work is golden!! thank you:)

Peace.

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Angst to fluff!

Summery: After a hard loss, both in a relationship and with the severing of the ties of her past, Y/n must learn to let go in order to gain what she so desperate wants back.

Snowfall is always overlooked. People see it as more of an inconvenience than as a gift. Each little white flake falling from the sky seems like nothing more than a mushy ball of frozen water made to block the roads and keep kids out of school, but the closer you look the more complex they are.

What was once so horrible becomes something beautiful, something unique. There is no other thing like it, each flake is different even by one branch in the pattern. It’s sad how many people are so quick to dismiss it and pout out their windows. White was never their favorite color and the cold was never their favorite temperature.

At this time of year, I usually considered myself lucky. I had a family who cherished each snowfall and a mother who would have hot-coco ready on the table for when our red cheeks and icy hair would become too much and we would finally come back inside to melt and warm up again. Each winter break my younger siblings, Steven and Belly would be attached at my hip. Having an older sister who only grew more and more, our time together always felt limited. So we spent each day in the living room. Playing the Wii with Steven and Barbies with Belly. I would read with my mom and cook with my dad. It was all so perfect. My favorite time of the year.

I used to joke with Conrad that college didn’t hold the same amount of excitement around the season because people were just as bitter and cold all year round. I called him cold hearted too because he thought it was funny. He laughed and kissed me then. I wonder if he would laugh now. Even if we no longer shared a stocking and cozied up by the fireplace impossibly close declaring our quiet loves for each other. I wonder if he still thinks fondly of the winter like I do now that it’s tainted with old memories of us.

Usually, during the winter I would drive down to Boston. It took some convincing for Laurel to allow her daughter to drive so far in such intense weather, but she knew where my heart belonged. It was the holidays and she was just as jolly as the rest of us, so she would always agree. There, I would bring gifts for all the Fishers. I didn’t have enough money to afford gifts and college, so everything was homemade. Every year I would apologize, but Susannah and Conrad always claimed to love it. Jeremiah wouldn’t say anything, but the smile on his face was always genuinely happy, so I think he liked them just as much.

Conrad would take my mitten clad hands after. Even covered in thick wool he managed to clasp his hands fully around mine, eager to get me alone. We’d slip away into his room, my cheeks red and eyelashes covered in snowflakes and his eyes wide and smile full. Behind closed doors, we could be as affectionate as we wanted without gags of jealousy disguised as disgust from Jeremiah or swooning from Susannah over how cozy we looked.

I remember how I believed my hips were made with dips so his hands could fit perfectly in them. How his arm rested on my waist so tight, I didn’t need a blanket because he kept me warm. No fireplace or layers of coats could light the flames in my heart and keep me warm in the coldest winters like Conrad could.

He said summer was his favorite season when he met me, but now he favored winter because it reminded him of me. I asked what would happen if something were to happen to us, just to tease him then. He got serious, I still remember the look on his face when he told me I would always be his favorite thing. How winter would forever remind him of me and no matter what, nothing could change that fact.

It was our own little secret oasis. A utopia of our own confined within the four walls of his childhood bedroom. When it snowed, we’d play in the snow like children and when it stormed we’d make forts to watch our favorite winter movies. It was a dream I never wanted to end, I was foolish to think it wouldn’t.

By spring, it felt like he was tired of me, of who I was. No amount of effort could keep Conrad beside me. I became someone he wasted his time on rather than someone he begged to be around. My skin was like fire to his touch, his eyes avoidant. It all came to a head when I broke down in late May.

“Why, why am I not enough?” I begged him then, I wanted to know what my problem was. Why I couldn’t be more than what I was now. Why we couldn’t go back.

He shrugged his shoulders, looking past my left shoulder. He looked distant. He knew it just as well as I did, we were walking on eggshells.

“Because you’re just not.” His words were bitter, knives stabbing me through the heart and ripping out. There was no reason, he didn’t even try to make the gashes in my heart better.

“Bullshit. I do everything for you! I give you everything!” It came out more as a question than a statement. I wasn’t as sure about what I once believed so firmly now that Conrad was showing how he felt.

“I guess it wasn’t enough then.” His eyes were watering. We were already talking in the past tense, we were over. He didn’t have to say it, neither did I. It was as clear as the freckles on his face, there was no amount of mending that could pull us back together.

In my mind I could only remember those final words we spoke to each other. The first hour of our long argument was washed from my mind for my own sake. What should’ve been tattooed permanently in my brain was gone the second we were over. Maybe if I could remember it fully, each insult and every word he used to put me down and make me feel small, I would’ve been able to feel justified in my anger. I could talk shit with my friends, shit on him to my mother. But even in my heartache, I couldn’t find reasons to be mad at him.

Conrad always went through so much on his own. It would be selfish of me to believe that he was completely okay when things ended. It was messy and sudden the way it happened. He was the biggest dick to me, but I couldn’t blame him for what he did. Not then, not now. Part of me still loved him. Part of me would still die for him in secret. He was my first love, all I knew when it came to my feelings. I let him rule my heart, my decisions. I didn’t show up to Cousins that summer.

Now that it was over, no ties binding us together, no overbearing reason to drive down to Boston for the weeks leading up to the holidays where we’d all finally be together again, I have no where to go. Steven was old enough to be on his own now, a freshman at Princeton. One of his rich friends had dropped by within the first twenty four hours to drag him off to his families vacation home. I hadn’t even set up the Wii yet. Belly, my littlest sibling who I adored more than anyone else I knew was more distant than Steven. The stress of deciding between Finch and Jeremiah or some state school with the guarantee of being on volleyball was eating her alive. Back then, I would’ve told her not to lose sight of her dreams and life because of some boy, but here I was doing the same thing. I stayed quiet and let her decide what she wanted.

My mom was gone just like Steven. Away to talk about her book with other critically acclaimed writers and producers. My dad was out of the picture. He wouldn’t be back until Christmas morning. He was never really present after the divorce, but he’s a good man and he tries his best. He just works a lot. It hurts to not be able to enjoy the holidays like I used to, but I can respect why everyone’s away.

Somehow, I end up in Stevens drivers seat. I’ve never had a car of my own. While Steven spent weeks searching the internet for a cheep car, I spent my time studying for finals and applying to colleges. I never had the time. He gave me his keys before he left. He said I could take his car anywhere I wanted as long as I didn’t ruin it. Each dent in it, I would owe him ten bucks. It wasn’t much, but to a struggling college student, ten dollars in my bank account might as well have been him asking for hundreds.

“Belly, I’m heading out. Call me if you need me, okay? I might not be back for awhile.” The words I chose were ominous. I didn’t tell her where I was going, why I was going or how long I’d be exactly, but she didn’t care enough to ask. So I climbed into Stevens car and let my playlist shuffle. I imagine myself in the situations my favorite artists write about and sing along like I can relate to their upper class parties and juvenile activities. It keeps my mind off of where I’m going.

It’s not like I got in the car set on heading to the one place that once swore to never step foot near again, but when I recognize the signs on the highway pointing me in the same direction, I’m suddenly set on it.

The sting of the breakup lingered like a tattooed kiss, a reminder of something so special that was now gone. I wouldn’t let him ruin the place that was once so special to our families.

Pulling up to that driveway, I remember how the weeds would grow over the gravel by July and how Steven and Jeremiah would stay out for hours plucking at them to make Susannah happy. How the grass held the imprints of our small bodies rolling around the hills and daffodils. The sand was forever glued into the fabric of our favorite t-shirts and the salt air is what we smelled of until December washed it away.

We were always so close here. Despite the rifts and the problems that happened between us. Not blow out fight or silent treatment could ever separate the Conklin’s and the Fishers from each other for long.

I looked back on how I felt at home. How together was something that I never even questioned. Steven would be by the fireplace yelling at the television and Belly would be begging him to quiet down. Laurel would be curled up in the corner scribbling things into a notepad and dad would try to sneakily move the elf on the shelf.

We were older now. The wii wasn’t all that special and Belly longed for the chaos she once hated. Steven preferred his friends and mom and dad fell out of love so mom could learn to love her work more.

I pulled into the large house through the garage. I knew the code by heart, it was my phone passcode. I figured that if I wanted to stay attached to homeliness so badly I could be where I learned what love was the best.

In my head, even now I always believed that no matter how long it would go untouched, the summer home would always be bright and warm. Smelling of Susannah’s candles and Belly’s sticky iced teas.

Stepping through the front door, it was dark and cold. My breath was less visible than in the outside, but the light and heat didn’t bounce from wall to wall like it always did.

It took me a few minutes to find the correct switch to turn up the heat. I cranked it until my socks burned on my feet and a sweat covered the top of my forehead. It was comfortable, I could sink into my own chunky sweater.

It was my mothers, the blue and white striped sweater I wore. She was gifted it by Susannah in their late college years but it never quiet fit her because she was so short. It fit big, but it didn’t sag at my knees or gather at my wrists as much. It smelled like my mom and reminded me of Pennsylvania skies.

The warmth from the heat and the comfort from my clothes set me in a slump, my eyes drooped. I hadn’t even turned on any lights yet, hadn’t gone up to my room to make the bed. I was sat in place on the permanently indented couch. Though my body curled into the spot where I always laid during movie nights, my head fell where Conrad’s lap would’ve been. To imagine we were all just as happy, as close made me feel fuzzy. If I tried hard enough I could even hear his voice. Calling for me, like a dream.

The sun peaked through the windows and the dust that collected on the once neatly kept glass projected tiny shadows and spots across the hardwood floor. The couch was warm with my body heat and other than the faint whisper of the wind, it was peaceful.

A melodic whistle blowed through the open gap between the living room and the kitchen. It was smooth yet broke when the song grew too high for the deeper voice that carried the tune.

Rubbing at my eyes, my feet swung out from under my thighs, I wiped away any drool or signs of slumber. Still, clearing my complexion did not rid my body of the tired achey feeling and the small blurring of my vision. My brain was following behind my body, every caution sign to who was here at this time thrown to the wind.

Mugs clanked together clumsily, my nose burned with the strong scent of coffee beans. It was chillier in the morning here than how I had left it at night, I could feel the tip of my nose turning red and growing colder.

A taller boy stood hunched over the countertops, a spoon clinking around softly as he stirred around something in the mug. His shirt hung loose on his body but his pants fit just right.

His hair was wavy, but only just at the ends. Under the strong smells of early morning caffeine, I could faintly still pick up the scent of sea salt and a spice I couldn’t name. It was vanilla like but also had a lingering smell of oak and woods. It was my favorite smell.

“Conrad..?” It clicked in my brain that the handsome boy hanging around the summer home wasn’t some pick me up sent from heaven. The reason behind my instant admiration for such a simple, domestic task was because of how well I knew and once loved the boy. The name fell from my lips quietly, like I couldn’t believe it was true.

Spinning around, I met his blue eyes. I watched his lips twitch, fighting against some kind of emotion from spreading across his face and the light in his eyes falter. He looked blank, unaware of how his lack of enthusiasm of our reuniting was crushing me inside.

“Figured you’d want coffee.” He was right. He still knew me like the back of his own hand and that was the worst part. I hadn’t changed, I never would. He would always know me and it hurt to know I trusted him like that at one point just for him to leave. He even made it in my favorite mug.

A light blue ceramic mug that still had Belly and Conrad’s fingerprints in the clay and visible brush strokes across the top. They made it for me when we were still little. It was my favorite gift from her because they made it as an apology. For breaking my old vase I made for my mom in art class. They meant to harm and felt horrible, I cherished their kindness more than anything.

“No…no. I’m all set.” Crossing my arms and clearing my throat, I set my eyes on the ground and leaned against the doorframe on the wall. We didn’t speak after that, he didn’t move. Sucking in his lips, I heard him sigh almost disappointedly.

“So…” He tried to start, I was too scared to listen. Not of him, god I could never be scared of him. But of what he could want to say.

My eyes flicked over the dents in the floor, I discovered marks I hadn’t seen before. Just when I thought I had everything memorized. When I thought I knew everything, when I thought I knew him.

“You know, uhm…I think I’m going to settle in.” Nodding at him quickly, I all but ran to the stairs. My hands gripped at the banister so quickly, I felt skin pull skin. It tore just under my fingers beginning, the top of my palm. I swore I heard him call after me, but maybe it was the ringing in my ears.

I came here to get away. In search of some solace, I grasped at the tattered strands of my childhood to find that I had held on too long. In my own journey, by some sort of fate, I dragged along a deeper part of those memories with me.

I spent that morning stowed away in my bedroom. I left the door ajar. The air was chilly still, and the air dusty. The heat had rarely been used. Only on the rare occasions in which Susannah would find reason to escape down to the beautiful town of Cousins. Simply to watch the early snowfalls or sparkling lights decorating the center of the town. Usually when I would get settled into my own room in the summer home, each knickknack would be thrown carelessly over the bureau top and shoved in the forever empty bedside table drawers. I would procrastinate making my bed last. I hated the damned fitted sheets and the wrinkles I couldn’t flatten for days. I hated the way that the corners never stayed. My body stretched as far as it would go, yet I could never quiet hook the fabric far enough to keep it settled.

Today was no different. My blood boiled the same, but it mixed with an unfamiliar warmth. How endearing it was to be able to relive such a memorable moment of my summers again even after tragedy struck the once uniting household.

“Fuck.” The sheets flipped up. The full sized mattress was far too wide to allow my arms to stretch across the full width of its body and hook the corners over far enough to where they wouldn’t slip. Each move resulted in a different kind of release with the bedsheets. Each time I ended up wrapped up in the thin cotton sheets.

The clock ticking on my bedside table taunts me. Reminds me of how long I’ve been tangled around in my bed. If it weren’t so humiliating, I would’ve asked for help. But I created a mess. My feelings, one’s that Conrad had so clearly buried as he was able to be kind and cordial towards me while I panicked like a fish out of water. So I hop around from corner to corner desperate to finish my task.

“Y/n?” The name burns the way it rolls off of his tongue. Like even with me gone, he had practiced pronouncing it in the mirror, whispered it to himself each night. It was like we’d seen each other the day before, the way it came out. Breathless and light.

The moon hung over the house, illuminating thin strips of shine through the windows that led from the floor to the very bed I was sprawled across.

Sighing heavily, I threw my head back. Hair fell in front of my face, tickling the bridge of my nose. I saw Conrad hesitate. His hand flinched out from where it was tucked behind the doorframe. He set it on the white wood frame.

“Can I help?” It was innocent enough. Maybe he was sick of the sound of my knees rubbing against the mattress. Or the way I grunted every few minutes. I stumbled around my room all day fixing it up, I almost forgot how loud it could’ve been.

It felt sour to accept it. Even if it were as innocent and kind as it seemed. Conrad had a glimmer of hope in his eye and his lips upturned. He looked so handsome still, nose pinker from the slight chill and eyes still just as deep blue.

“No thank you.” I huffed. I tried to sound annoyed, something that was hard to do when you weren’t really all that annoyed at all. Resistant was the only similar thing I could place a name to. I saw the wag Conrad’s smile faltered, his eyes looming with a dark shadow, masking the vibrant sparkle.

“Come on, don’t be so stubborn, please? You’ve been at it for hours, just let me help.” Stubborn. Just like my mother and his. Each of us were always set to do things on our own. But this was far more than just genetics at this point. This was my own grudge I was holding. This was my pride and my responsibility over my emotions acting. No matter how nice the gesture, I still refused, gnashing my teeth.

“Oh, so suddenly you care?” It was a lot more mean than I meant it. I know how much Conrad cares. How much he always has. He doesn’t have the best way to show for it, but in the end you always know it. It was a mistake, an instant regret. I watched how his face contorted. He wasn’t just disappointed now, but genuinely hurt by my own dig at his insecurities.

His whole life, Conrad always feared he wasn’t enough. He couldn’t give enough, couldn’t be enough. He always talked himself down, creating a false standard in which everyone else was above him, out of his league. He was insecure. He didn’t need reassurance, he knew what kind of love was real and what was fake, but the fact that maybe I had thought the same crushed him. I could tell.

His silence hung over us so heavy, a knife could slice it. His jaw stuttered and his eyes blinked slow. A loss for words. I wish he could just yell at me. Fuel my fire, make me feel less bad about what I said. Less guilty about the fact I couldn’t get over us when he could. Conrad didn’t deserve my emotional daggers directed at his heart simply because we split. I know Conrad, I always have. His method of leaving was cruel, but the boys heart was in the right place always.

“Fuck!” The sheet snapped back. I had enough. In all seriousness, I should’ve stopped to talk to the boy who was so clearly hurt by the door. A girl, a guest in a house that once felt just as much as hers as his was there in a now occupied room throwing insults unprovoked when he was trying to be nice.

Standing, I stumbled past him clumsily again, taking a spare blanket that hung off the end of the bed with me. I couldn’t take it. His stares, the silence, the sheet, my own guilt, my thoughts. I needed to be out of that sickened room.

“Y/n…” Again, the call was faint. A whisper in my head whose only goal was to make me stop. I didn’t turn. It was unfair, the whole thing. To me, to Conrad. I decided to sleep on the couch.

My back ached. The plush cushioning under my back too soft, too worn in. A good remedy, a great place for a quick nap. But it hurt after more than a few hours. The fabric rubbed harshly, the pillows sunk in. My hips popped when I stood.

The sun was shining through the windows, air crisp. Heat finally reached all corners of the large house and the cob webs were finally swept away. The magic of summer wasn’t there, but it felt homely. A good alternative to the sad loneliness of my own bedroom at home.

The house was still, the kitchen untouched and an empty mug in the sink. It was stained in a ring from where the old drink had been and had little brown streaks from where the coffee dripped off of the sides. The counter tops were cold, despite the heat inside. The floor was quiet, there was no shuffling. It led me to believe that the only other occupant was still asleep.

Heading up the stairs, I picked at my old clothes. The discomfort came from multiple things. The way my clothes stuck to my body, my teeth didn’t feel right in my mouth. My hair was knotted. I looked fine, but nothing felt right. The only way to describe it was that when waking up after a rough couple of nights, it felt like my skin didn’t fit right over my bones.

My door was wide open. The hinges bent all the way back, the light bled through the curtains. My already slow steps came to a halt when the threshold fell behind my legs. My bed was decorated with the same blue floral design it always had during the summers.

The pillows were placed where I always had them, and my blankets were hung so neat on the bottom of my bed. My fingers ran over the soft fabric like it wasn’t really mine. Like I was admiring a sample from a store, wishing it were mine. It was always so pretty.

My thumb hooked over the folded edge very carefully. I didn’t want to mess with the perfectly made bed. More importantly, I didn’t want to crease the remaining hand prints that laid in the center of the bed.

The plushy duvet left residue from bigger hands. Spread along the bends, from the center down. Proof that someone had truly tried their best to perfect it.

Looking under the top, not only had each layer been placed, but the fitted sheet. I could see it now with all its layers peeled back. The thought that even after my initial attempts to push away, to be mean, to hurt him, that Conrad had still wanted to help me made me feel warm. I wasn’t sure why my heart was fluttering for a boy I swore I hated. But my cheeks were red and my knees felt weak. I always did love his acts of service.

I didn’t plan on showering, but my skin was sticky with sleep and my heart was pounding too fast. I hated the fact that Conrad was too good for everyone in his own special ways. I hated the way he still cared and the way he remained so observant even in our absence. Most of all, I hate the way I reach for his shampoo in the shower. Longing for the scent of him to linger on me for just a little longer. How funny it is that we’ve changed so quickly and yet not at all. We used to share our hair products. He kept a hair tie for me in his bedside table. I had a drawer of clothes in his room, he had some in my closet. He went from my everything to just something in my life. Yet, with all this change I still reach for the familiarities of what we once had. My hand still searches the shower for his conditioner. My feet still take me to his door to find a shirt I like. What we had is gone, crushed under the weight of our separation, but my muscle memory pulls me back. The heart is a muscle, one that forever beats for Conrad Fisher.

I sit in the corner for longer than I lather the soap across my skin. My body is curled up against the cold tiles. I feel pathetic doing so. How small I’ve made myself. Not only mentally, but physically. I feel weak at how little self control I have. I think back on the past year of my life and I regret each decision I’ve made leading me here suddenly.

Was I not enough for Conrad? I know it’s not his reasoning behind his leaving, but I feel like the theory becomes more and more plausible the longer I think back on how lonely I’ve been. So stuck on my own problems, I forget how little I see my family. How Belly has grown without me. Her friends, her lovers. She is independent, she knows her path. Steven has matured. He understands feelings, he’s valedictorian. His brains lead him through life, he no longer comes to me at midnight to ask for help with math. I no longer review his essays or read his made up stories in the living room. We are two different siblings who once spent every moment together. My mother is nose deep in her own promotion with her books. She is succeeding while my father is going on dates and moving on. I am stuck in the same spot, forever thinking of the past, I can not move on.

I am scared by the knowledge that my family is no longer dependent on me. A scab is forming over the wound of the fact that Conrad has left, I am not needed. I hope the warm water fading into a cooler drizzle will hide the way my eyes are puffy and red. The streaks of water on cheeks will become streams of the shower. I am strong and resistant like my parents, but I am scared to admit that I have real fears. Ones that control my life. I will never tell them how I breakdown, how my heart is breaking and I am falling off the pedestal.

It’s more lively now then it was just an hour ago. The birds are gone, on vacation away in the warmer weather while the cold covers New England in a chilling blanket. I hear the mugs clattering from the hallways and the soft humming passing through his pink lips. He hears me before he sees me.

“Coffee?” He motioned to the brown liquid, steaming while it poured into the glass pitcher. Rubbing beneath my eyes, I could feel the weight of my eye bags heavy on my skin. My throat was coarse, hands aching from how hard I had grasped onto the shower walls. I hid behind the island counter on the stool. My body curled up into the baggy clothes covering my body, my knees hugging into my chest as close as possible.

“Yes, please.” I mumbled softly, trying not to show any weaknesses. Conrad knew me better than that. The way my lip twitched into a fake smile, how my eyes were more avoidant that usual. Even in my heavy feelings, my eyes were always drawn to him. I was closing myself off.

A beat passed. Conrad’s attempt at conversation had fallen short, right by my feet.

“How’d you sleep?” He turned to me, freshly brewed coffee sloshing around in the same mug as yesterday. He placed it in front of me, but he turned away again to pour his own cup. It wasn’t to further distance himself, creating a divide all while I was shutting down, but to give me room to breathe in a space I was so clearly suffocating in.

“It was okay.” I sighed, hand holding my head, my eyes closed. I imagined myself laid with my back pressed against plush pillows and my childhood bedroom fairy lights hanging over my head. It was still winter, but the atmosphere in my daydream felt of summer.

“I’m glad, then. That it wasn’t so bad, I mean.” He corrected himself, afraid of a wrath inside of me that didn’t exist to him anymore. It never really had, my emotions had only been misplaced yesterday.

Often I’ve been told that my words shoot to kill when I’m mad. I insult and belittle myself more than others, but my mother has no problem with bringing up the few times I targeted my feelings at Steven or Belly. How little I made them feel, how guilty I felt. I threw up once, after yelling at Steven. He hadn’t cared for it, fighting was what siblings did. But remembering how I tried to hurt him made me sick. I felt the same after insulting Conrad.

Nodding my head, I pursed my lips into a thin line. My eyes blinked away any dryness, I inhaled a deep breath.

“Hey, uhm…thank you, by the way.” I pulled the sleeves of my sweater over my hands, hovering over the cup of coffee to revel in the hot steam hitting my face.

Conrad turned around, leaning against the counter. His hands pressed up behind him, firm but his face was soft, glad.

“I shouldn’t have…you didn’t deserve that.” My eyes flickered between the floor and the folding of my sleeves over my thumbs. My skin was cold, my hair wet on the back of my neck. I had a lump in my throat.

“Y/n?” His voice was gentle, closer than before. I saw his elbows press against the counter top, just mere inches away. I felt even more awkward, littler than before somehow.

I hummed. But the coarseness in my throat made it come out as more of a rumble. I choked on the growing lump, my nose burned.

“We don’t have to avoid each other.” He said it like that was so easy. Like everything was resolved by him simply stating that he didn’t want to face the consequences of our actions.

“I know.” I brought the edge of the mug to my lips and blew. Steam clouded my vision, the wet heat felt nice on my cheeks.

“Y/n.” He said more firmly.

He wasn’t angry, but he wanted my attention. My eyes flickered up to his. They were darker now. Swarmed with so many emotions, it was hard to grasp onto what he was feeling. I set the mug down.

“Please don’t avoid me.” He begged more softly, his hand hesitated to reach out to me. Once they clasped around mine, it was almost relieving. Having something familiar to ground me while I was only working myself up. “I miss you, I miss us. We were best friends and we haven’t even spoken in…I don’t even know how long. This, this is stupid. To be running in circles like this?”

“That’s easy for you to say.” This time, my words weren’t angry. They broke apart when I spoke. The sentence was raw, the lump in my throat broke through my clenched teeth and my nose heated up in an intense burn. My eyes were heavy, working hard to keep any tears at bay. Again, here I find myself in a different spot, practicing the same habits. I stand in front of Conrad angry, ready to hurt his ego and pierce a hole through his heart just to ease my own mind.

I wanted exactly what he did, to be as close. I missed him more than anything in my life ever, but it wasn’t so simple. He pleaded my name again, I pulled my hands out of his. His fingers were like a barbed wire. It suddenly stung to have him touching me.

“I just wish you would’ve acknowledged it, you know? I mean look at me, look at us. You’re fine, you’re happy. I can’t even look at you without wanting to cry.” When our hearts broke, they broke uneven. Conrad was left with a bruise why I was facing the pain of a bleeding scar across my own. He had been the one to cause the rift, he had been the one to bring up everyone’s insecurities, use them against our relationship.

“Y/n.” He whispered, reaching out to me again. I stood from the stool, keeping my distance. My tears were hot, they burned into my skin.

“You couldn’t even stand me, Conrad! And I couldn’t see it before, but I can now. You couldn’t even text me, no. No, but that’s not the worst part. Maybe it’s the fact that you couldn’t even show up to Stevens graduation because I was there.” He sighed, ready to defend himself. I look back on all the disappointed faces, I remember the way Steven frowned at that empty seat beside me and I feel angry.

“Do you know how hard it is to tell your baby brother that his hero couldn’t make it to his graduation because he can’t even stand to be around me? Do you know how sad he was when he started to walk up to the podium and saw your seat was empty? I recorded it and sent it to you, did you know that? I wasn’t going to, I didn’t think you deserved to have a part in one of the most important parts in Stevens life, but he begged me to. Tried to make me send it twice so you’d get it.” I took a deep breath, wiping away the tears by my eyes, more spilled. My face was wet with salt water and red with anger.

“So why don’t we go back to how things were before after you’ve fucked it all up!”

“It’s really fucking unfair of you to act like this hasn’t affected me at all either!” He finally shot back. He was never one to yell. Conrad always had some sort of control over his composure. He never yelled, he hated yelling.

“How, how can you say that after you’ve done nothing to fix anything!” Walking closer to him, I saw how he turned away to grip the counter between his fingers.

“People deal with shit differently, Y/n. Grow up!” He yelled. His eyes were wild, it should’ve scared me. But god, him telling me to grow up after all he put me through only made me angrier. I was fragile already. But not as a flower, but a bomb.

“Fuck you, Conrad.” My voice was shaky, but firm. I didn’t yell, my lack of volume was almost scarier than my inevitable rage. He looked up at me, it was like watching him realize how his words had betrayed him. He hadn’t meant for us to fight, to talk like this. He wanted to fix things. He wanted me back.

“Y/n.” He shook his head, walking closer to me, he bent away from the edges of the island to reach me quicker. His voice was laced with pity

“Stop saying my name!” I backed away, feet catching on the threshold, I slowed myself down. Each time he said it, it pulled on my heartstrings. How could he be so selfish to not even be able to see all the pain I’ve been put through!

“I’ve missed you ever since I left you! You think I don’t regret the way I treated you? I’m not naïve to my own stupidity, I know my mistakes, I’ve owned them. You were my everything, god you might as well have hung the stars!” He waved his hands around to animate what he was saying. It only stresses me out more.

“Then why? Why did you throw it all away!” My body began to crumble beneath me, my knees wobbled.

“Because I was scared! I was scared of losing you. I thought if I let myself become too obsessed, that if you decided to leave me I would never be able to get back up. I had to do it!” He confessed. It all made sense then. All my unanswered questions, all my insecurities of not being enough. Conrad hadn’t left because I couldn’t give him what he wanted. He left because he was scared of what would happen when I was gone. That he wasn’t enough.

“I wouldn’t have left you, Conrad. I wouldn’t have.” My palms hit my eyes, my knees started to give. A sob ripped through my throat. It hurt to breathe.

His arms were like a blanket. His hands still fit perfectly around my back. When he held me, it was tight. I knew it then that he wouldn’t be letting me go, not now. His shirt was wet with my tears, mine was wet with my hair. I felt stupid, naïve to think of Conrad in such bad ways when he had only been doing what he thought was best to protect his heart after loss after loss.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I repeated it like a prayer, I didn’t mean to be so mean. I didn’t want to be rude to him, I wanted him to be close to me always. His heart was beating out of his chest when he nodded. He knew I never meant to fight him. We were both entitled to our feelings, there was no reason in trying to apologize for how we reacted.

His hand lifted to my head, brushing through my hair. He gathered a chunk in his palm, his knuckles gripping at it. It didn’t hurt, he didn’t intend for it to. He was breathing me in, holding onto me in every which way possible.

“It’s going to be okay, we’re going to be okay.” My sobs were muffling themselves, quieting down into soft whimpers. It took a lot to even nod my head against his shirt. It smelled like him, and it was homely. I felt safer now than in our argument. Our words held no value anymore, I just hoped that what he said was true.

Holding her like that almost made things feel normal again. Having her hair in between my fingers and her waist pressed against mine. I wanted to revel in it, selfishly. But her sniffles and uneven breath only made me remember why I even got the privilege to hold her again.

Again and again, I watched her breakdown over a mistake I made. To protect myself. I swore it to her last winter, promised her that it would always be my favorite season because she was my favorite thing. I built up this trust and a love between us. It was when she left that I freaked out over what my mom said.

“I’ve never seen you so happy.” She had said, poncho bc my cheek between her fingers. Playfully, I pulled my face away.

“Yea?” I mused, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and watched the steady snowfall on the final night of winter through the window.

“The love bug’s got you.” She was right. I was so undeniably in love with Y/n. I would change everything in my life just to be with her always.

“What?” My eyes squinted from the way my eyebrows furrowed. She was still looking out into the snow.

“It’s okay to be in love, Connie.” She quickly turned to me and smoothed out my shirt. She sensed my confusion and stress. I knew I was in love with her, but the fact that it was that obvious, that clear made me worry.

“Everyone has their first love at some point.” With that she left. At some point. The words rung through my head. I knew that the first love was always the strongest, but this was not my first love. I had fallen for an ex-girlfriend in freshman year. She broke my heart. Why was the thought of Y/n leaving shattering mine completely?

The more I thought of us together then, the more I worried about her leaving. She was perfect for me, maybe. But could I even measure up to her perfection? Could I give her everything?

I was able to push that feeling away for a few weeks. But as winter turned to spring and the leave began to regrow, I couldn’t shake it. Distance was a thing I was only growing between us. Space, something I created so there was no way we could get hurt. I thought it was the right thing, then. I thought it was the right move for me to let her leave so easily. To watch her fight for me one last time and not react. I was giving her the chance for someone more, someone better. I didn’t know I was only breaking her heart in ways I worried I would break my own.

It was a guilt I lived with all these months. When she didn’t come up to cousins because she wasn’t feeling good, I knew why. I had avoided her like the plague after our last conversation, our first real fight. I couldn’t even show up for her family in one of their most important milestones. Now it seemed like we only fight now, or at least in these past couple hours.

My neck was stiff from how it leaned against the back of the couch. I hadn’t watched past the hour mark of the black and white movie Conrad had put on. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I no longer liked it.

The movie was all I watched when I was at my absolute worst. Not to say I wasn’t still there, I felt rock bottom beneath my feet, but I felt myself getting better slowly. I no longer spent each day rewatching the same film over and over to ease the pain and remind myself of a happier time. I hated the way they talked. I once found it romantic, but the old cracking in the sound and the fancy accents made me angry. None of it was real.

To Conrad, he only did what he thought I would like. He had no way of knowing of my new distaste to the movie. One I used to rave about for hours. Then again, he never asked.

Yawning, I felt a set of eyes on mine.

“Tired?” He asked, a small smile on his face. I waved him off.

“Nope.” I popped the ‘p.’ It was an easy lie, my dark circles and slouchy posture gave it away. There was no way to sell it. I was surprised when he didn’t push me on it. My eyes drooped, my cheek pressed to my lonely shoulder. I had no one to lean on. I curled into myself a little, all while silently telling myself I was awake.

A pillow hit my lip, I bit down a little but it didn’t hurt me. My eyes were wide open now, hair messed up around the top. My fly aways were all over the place, my eyes squinting.

“Hey!” Grabbing the corners of the pillow, I swung as hard as I could towards Conrad, the culprit. It his his chest, he groaned out in a heavy breath. The pillow was soft, I was sure it didn’t hurt. But he entertained the idea that it did by rubbing circles in his chest, wincing and hissing through his teeth. I rolled my eyes.

“Seriously?” I leaned back against the cushions again, placing the pillow comfortably over my lap. I heard him laugh. A real, genuine laugh. It felt like weight was lifted off of my back.

“What! That was one of my best performances.” He punched my shoulder. I shot him playful glares. He pushed at me again, begging for a reaction. I folded already, giving into his games and retaliating against his childish attacks. But I would not crumble so easily. I would not let him tease me and play me until I opened up again just hours after yet another fight. I worried that another would ensue.

Sitting up, I tossed the pillow back at him. The sound he made confirmed it had hit him in the face.

“Come on, where are you going?” I could hear the smile in his voice. It made me smile too, knowing he was happy.

“To bed, I am tired.” I didn’t look back, but I felt him watching.

I swore I heard words die on his tongue. A soft stutter to a dead silence. Like he wanted to protest but stopped himself somehow. He never saw me look back, but when I was turning to the stairs, I allowed myself a glimpse.

His eyes were spacey, lip pulled between his front teeth. His eyebrows furrowed. He was deep in thought, but I could see the disappointment in his face. He didn’t seem as full of life, as cheerful. We were rebuilding a childhood, best friend bond that was lost with in cracking of our foundations in the spring.

“Goodnight, Conrad.” I still hadn’t had the ability to carry a joke with him. To keep a conversation flowing without my emotions dying inside of me before I could get them out. I whispered my goodnight. I wanted him to know I still held a place in my heart for him, but part of me wanted to reserve that knowledge to only myself.

I was scared to be more than what was being proposed. The door was open, we were almost friends. It was an odd spot. We’d act like friends, joke like them, but we both knew what we had done, what had just happened. I would walk through the entrance if Conrad would allow it. If we could at least be close, even if his lips weren’t mine, even if his body wasn’t there for me to lean on anymore. I would live happily, I’d be able to put on a brave face and call myself his friend. I would stand by the alter, watching him find another love, burying the hatchet of our love for good and I would be okay, I decided. As long as I still had him. As long as I never had to feel as alone as I did this morning.

“They’re saying borderline blizzard conditions, Con. You don’t think we’ll need to go on a supply run, do you?” His back was turned to me, hands working over the pot of coffee skillfully. His thumb brushed against the glass, he hissed quietly and shook his hand off.

“I think you’re just overthinking it.” He payed my worry not attention. He knew this house better than I did. It would hold, that wasn’t the worry. We had no shovels, nothing to dig us out of snow were to block us in. I scoffed and rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. I made my way around the island, pushing myself off of the counter and into one of the stools perched under it.

“Coffee?” Conrad asked, ignoring my questions again. I gave into him, playing his game and being stubborn.

“What kind?” My fingers drew circles on the cold marble.

“Black.” He set the cup down in front of me, letting it come to a halt right in front of me. My eyes flickered to the coffee, a smirk fighting it’s way onto my cheeks.

“Like your soul?” Like your heart, is what I wanted to say. Something that used to come so easy, meaningless insults directed at him not to make him sad, but to make him smile. I still hadn’t answered by question, though. If I were to direct a remark at his heart, would it weigh too much under the cracking foundation of our recovering friendship? I still wondered if he would laugh at that and go along with it.

Conrad laughed, looking out the window and admiring the sky. He didn’t respond, but he never really had when I’d make those jokes. Usually he would laugh or tell me it was a good one. He sighed lightly.

“I walked right into that one.” He smiled down at his coffee now, holding the mug loose with the handle dangling between his fingers.

When silence took over the room, it wasn’t uncomfortable. We welcomed it. We were alone with our thoughts and for once, they weren’t twisted and heavy. Only happy memories and thoughts of old habits.

In my mind, I dreamed of times where I knew what to say after making a joke. What I could do to counter a snarky remark and his laughter. I always knew what to say to him, when and why. I knew what made him tick. I still knew how to set him off, I believe that once you have the ability to get under someone’s skin, you never truly lose it. Either you continue to poke at the wounds that hurt them so, or your presence is able to remind them of it. Yet, with all the loss in my every heartbeat, somewhere along the way I forgot how to keep him happy.

Conrad’s footsteps snapped me out of my clouded haze. My eyes snapped up from the counter to his face. He didn’t look at me, but stayed focused on his coffee.

“Glad to know you still got it.” His eyes flicked to me, I swear I saw him wink. It was so quick, my words died in a pathetic stutter. I smiled stupidly at him, I couldn’t even pretend to be snarky. It caught me off guard, somehow. My walls were torn down now, the barrier of anger and sadness I kept up around him to keep us apart gone with our last fight and heart to hearts. The devils in the details, but somehow it didn’t feel as deep, as life changing anymore.

It was like he knew I couldn’t think of something to promise to him. To keep us going. He surely hadn’t lost it.

I tried to rationalize everything recently. But it felt like it took over my life. I’d almost forgotten about Belly and Steven. How they’d been so quick to shut me out simply because someone had offered me a place to be wanted for a moment. Conrad always knew when to swoop in to save me. I could help but talk myself down every so often and convince myself that Conrad is not made of Angel dust. He simply is a man, and a smart one at that. All of this could be just to butter me up, I know it’s always an outcome. A way to win me back, but never want me the same. It poisons me to think about him that way, I know him. He would never play me to become the good guy.

My mind has no middle line. Constantly wavering between my lover, the man I see as the sky and the seas. I see him as a perfect lipstick stain to a white collar, uggs in the fall, hot chocolate in the winter. He is all things I love and yet I still fight. The other part of me fights my heart to keep my distance. How just hours ago I told myself the hate I had for Conrad was always going to be just that, irreversible hurt that he caused. It’s the sweetest torture I could bare in the fact that really, by the end of it my mind is set on just getting to be with him again. No matter what his games are.

It’s pathetic, but my heart strings pull a little whenever I hear his footsteps upstairs. When I can tell if he’s coming to see me or not. I like knowing he likes to be around me once more. It almost covers up the fact that he hurt me so bad. I’m not idiot, however. I wish I were in some cases, but I’m not blinded completely by my love. With every advance, I find a way to make it platonic. He’s my friend.

He said he missed me, our friendship bond. I know that he is a man of his word. I should not work myself up, I shouldn’t expect so much. I shouldn’t jump into his arms because he says go. I think rationally, I use my head. I let my heart race and my cheeks flush but ultimately my brain will stop me from messing about again. So part of me finds it sad when the power goes out later that day. For both the house and myself. It’s childish how quickly I jump in search of Conrad. I have to remind myself not to hold onto him, not to yell I told you so.

I call for his name quietly through the halls, feeling the chipping paint under my finger tips. It’s still fresh, but bumpy. A previous project of Susannah’s from when her paint brushes never seemed to dry out. It’s hard to tell if she never finished her projects that summer. Or even if she never finished any.

In the dark, it’s almost more clear to see where her brush strokes end. Where the moonlight illuminates the white and blues, you can see the divides between old and new. God, if she were any less attentive it would surely be the end of this house. It was in great condition, but some things were out of place, uncared for simply because Susannah’s mind went a mile a minute.

Smiling, I let my hands run over the wall, feet planting on the cold wood. I could feel it through my socks, with the lights out and the heat stuttering to a halt.

“Y/n/n, hey.” He sounded breathless, coming up from behind me. I hadn’t even noticed the stomping of his feet up the staircase as my fingers danced along the wall. So caught up in the past I find it that sometimes I forget that I’m living in my present. Looking around my metaphorical room in my mind, I see my chosen family. I see his brother as mine, his mother as mine. I see myself as a child again running through the sand and tracking mud through the dining room.

I know deep down I can not keep holding on, keep on keeping myself back. I can never give Conrad peace, but I can give him my sunshine, my best. He would always have a friend in me. I set my heart free then, fingers stuck to the wall, eyes flickering to my feet. I let go of my heart break and my solemn silences I throw at my loved ones for guilt. I let my walls down, I take Conrad’s hand, and I shake my head. His smile is warm, his eyes loving. He still needs me, he always has. He still loves me and my heart is racing. I finally feel like I have him back.

“You okay?” Back in reality, I’m aware that I’m not actually holding onto his hand, and Conrad isn’t really smiling at me. My heart is still in its cage and I have fallen victim to my own mind again. Conrad is not mine.

Clearing my throat, I lick at the corners of my lips. When I shake my head this time, I know it’s real because Conrad is looking at me questioningly. He is not in love with me, he is not drooling over me. The power is still out and our muddy footprints mean nothing to him anymore.

“We blew a fuse, but the generators dead. We’re just going to have to stick it out.” I nodded again, looking up at him with doe eyes. My lips were glossy with a sheen coat of spit from how much I licked them, but at them nervously. Yet, he didn’t even spare me a glance. It was almost like he was waiting on something.

“You can say it.” He finally sighed.

“Say what?” His eyes caught mine, seeing just how intently my eyes focused on his dimples and the bridge of his nose decorated with delicate freckles. I cleared my throat.

“You told me so.” He smiled, punching my shoulder playfully. He could tell my mind was drifting, he could see it, I saw the way his eyes softened. My gentle smile turned into a shit-eating grin.

A beat passed, he continued waiting on me in the dark room. I liked it in some odd ways. Enjoyed having him waiting on me for once. It wasn’t the same. How my heart waited for his apologies for so long, how I expected it because I knew one day he would come back to me to make things right in his own way. But somehow, his desire for my once overlooked jokes and brushed off comments made my cheeks warm. Like more than me in this moment, he wanted the normal us back.

“Are you going to…” He voice trailed off, my feet picked up against the cold wood floor.

“Why don’t you start the fire? I’m going to get some blankets.” I tucked the hair behind my ear, practically running to the staircase. He nodded, not that I could see it, but the silence confirmed that he had forgotten that I couldn’t truly see his nod. That along with a soft hum of approval from him.

“Oh, and Conrad.” He hummed again. His eyes glistened in the moonlight, shining brighter than any other object standing in the hallway. He waited on me patiently, slowly inching closer.

“I told you so.”

The best of blankets and pillows sprawled put along the living room floor helped to further nestle us against the foot of our white couch. The snowfall and the storm felt less like an inconvenience but a gift.

I was reminded of my childhood. Of first snowfalls and broken ice skates. Red noses and icy hair. I remember how even after the facade of perfect holidays and new years kisses faded into nothing more than a dream, how my heart still soared with excitement each coming fall. How I couldn’t wait to see the snowy powder decorating my front lawn. I get reminded of why I drove so long to see Conrad. Of his warm hugs and his soft mittens. Wearing his hats and stumbling around in the backyard. I feel less hurt by the company than I once did a few days ago. I feel blessed that by some miracle, fate had string Conrad and I back together. That his hands would forever paint my hands in a gentle love we only held, and his whispers of senseless jokes he mumbled tiredly were only mine to laugh at.

The fire crackled, roaring feverishly through the night. The snow and wind pounded against the sides of the house, and despite the chills running through my toes and my fingers, I felt warmer inside than before, rekindling our inside jokes and fueling ourselves for even more.

Soon, our soft laughter and ongoing conversations died out. Our eyes glued to the flames, I tried to catch a glimpse into Conrad’s eyes. I wanted to know what the fire would look like reflected into his blue eyes. Instead, I caught his gaze locked onto my face.

I felt embarrassed, in a way. Vulnerable under his gaze. I felt my cheeks heat up and my body tingle. I felt like a school girl again.

“Y/n/n.” He called for me softly. The only way I was sure that he’d even said it was the fact that my eyes were so trained in his pink lips. I nodded slowly.

“Why did you come down here? Why now?” Even though the question was serious, I couldn’t help but to smile at his curiosity in my life.

Taking a deep breath, I watched his flat face turn into a welcoming grin.

“Lately, I’ve just been caught up in the past, I guess. I’m just so used to coming home every winter to Steven and Belly in the living room already fighting. And my dad and mom arguing about what decorations playfully.” Conrad laughed like he could picture it. He’d never really been in my house during the holidays. Sure, the Fisher family would stop by every few months when the distance became too much, but holiday’s were usually spent apart.

“I guess when I came home this year and that wasn’t there, I kind of freaked a little. I mean, Steven just left, Belly was too caught up in her own life to care about what I wanted to do, how much time we had left. My dad was too busy to stop by and…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I almost allowed the words to slip, how the final straw was that even with the mess of my family, at least at one point I had Conrad. I had his gentle hands and his quiet promises to hold onto. When everything went to hell, it was like losing the last bit of peace. “I wanted to be somewhere I wouldn’t feel alone, I guess.” I replaced my words with this. Hoping he’d understand how much he meant to me, how much all of it meant to me.

The single puff of air coming harshly through his mouth in a sigh reminded me just how close we were. How I could feel each word falling from his lips fanning over my shoulder. We were sharing a blanket, so close yet our bodies so far.

“Y/n.” He sounded more serious. During my confession, I found a home in the floorboards. Feeling safer confessing to the air than to a man who destroyed me not so long ago. My eyes hesitated to meet his, but I could see just how serious he was.

“I regret what happened between us more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I know I can’t reverse that, but please never say you are alone. I swear to you, no matter what, I’m there.” It was rare to hear such thing from Conrad. Maybe a grunt of a hug to assure my feelings were always appreciated. But I could see the sincerity in his face, his voice was dripping with guilt. He meant it, every word.

Nodding my head, I silently thanked him. I watched his eyes search my face. How his lips parted but shut quickly. He decided against continuing, but it was like an unspoken apology was being said between us in that moment.

With gravity pulling us together, it was only in my nature to protect my heart. I had to rip us apart before I gave in without knowing if we’d ever be the same. If I kissed him and it was just a winter fling, I couldn’t take another heartbreak.

So, in our silence, I moved my hand between us. The pad of my thumb brushing away the charcoal from the fire dusting just under his cheek. I watched how he shivered and backed away, eyes fluttering shut. All while I bit at my lip, delicate in the way I rubbed away the dust.

“Are my hands cold?” I remained focused in on him, my lips curled into a smile seeing his reaction to my touch, how he shivered but didn’t complain. He nodded his head slowly, but his eyes were still closed.

I saw how his eyebrows furrowed, it wasn’t from discomfort, but in the low light it was hard to tell. My hand curled away, ready to ease the coldness off of his skin. I didn’t expect his own hand to cover mine, holding it against his now rosy cheeks.

“Feels nice.” He mumbled almost drowsily. His eyes still hidden behind his eyelids, his other hand found mine aimlessly, gently pressing it to his other cheek. I felt his weight sink into my palms, reveling in my touch.

The band suddenly snapped. All the tension, all the build up. He was right there, so eager, so gentle. I had to know if he was still the same boy I loved not too long ago. He had set me up for an old joke.I always wondered if I could still joke with him like this. It still gnawed at me some nights.

“It’s because you’re cold hearted.” I expected him to laugh, I hoped he would. But instead, he smiled just as genuine as his old laughter, melting into my touch more than I thought he could ever. I hadn’t been able to predict what he would tell me. Couldn’t have read his lips even if I could see into the future.

“For everyone else, maybe. But not for you.” He was as honest as a man could be. With his eyelashes fluttering open, I could see it in his eyes now. How they looked back at me wide and awake. I felt my stomach flip. There was something there I had previously missed. Dancing along with the glowing of the fire in his irises, was the same spark he once carried when I was his and he was mine.

I didn’t even get to challenge it, teasing him and making him repeat his confessions. My lips stuttered on the first syllable, just before his hands smushed my cheeks with the force of how he grabbed me. He was firm, but not aggressive. He could never hurt me.

His lips molded against mine perfectly in my mind. He tasted like mint and hot chocolate. My hands tangled in his hair, his palms flat against my waist. With so little space between us, so much fever and pent up frustration, air became harder and harder to get. With each touch of his fingers, it was like tiny fires being sparked across my body.

He hadn’t even had to tell me what he felt then. Neither did I. In that moment my walls crumbled beneath my feet. All resistance was gone. In Conrad’s grasp, I felt less alone.

I knew it then. To Conrad, my mind games I played on myself, my temper and the storms that would inevitably cloud up my sunniest days, the fact that I could never give him peace did not matter. We would always be enough.

#conrad fisher #conrad fisher angst #conrad x reader #tsitp conrad #conrad x you #tsitp s2 #tsitp x reader #tsitp x y/n #fisher x reader #team conrad #conrad fisher x y/n #conrad fisher x you #conrad fisher x reader

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junosmindpalace · 7 months

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Hiii I'm not sure if your requests are still open but 🧑‍🦲🧑‍🦲 can you do angst x reader 🧑‍🦲🧑‍🦲 like a songfic or something with 'The Scientist' by Coldplay 🧑‍🦲🧑‍🦲 (with senku ofc) 🧑‍🦲🧑‍🦲 preferably set before everyone was petrified 🧑‍🦲🧑‍🦲🧑‍🦲 ty ♡

the emojis in this request made me laugh THANK YOU for your request! i love love songfics.

Senku Ishigami is first and foremost a scientist. He, like all scientists, considers, observes and acts logically. He doesn’t do illogical as a man of science. Giving into illogical nonsense is just…well, illogical.

So when he first considers his romantic feelings for you, he does so from a logical perspective.

You spend a lot of time together, you share common interests, and beyond that, you were a caring, kind and passionate person. You and Senku clicked, and it made sense why.

However, Senku found himself thinking about how logical it was to be involved with you romantically; as a couple, you and Senku didn’t make sense at all.

Senku was reserved about his feelings outside of his typical enthusiasm over science and deadpan when it came to certain people, while you were the opposite. And so the two of you clashed horribly when it came to intimacy.

How was it that two people could be so similar yet so different?

Throughout your possibly (mostly likely- Senku’s still considering) illogical romance, Senku was cold toward your affection, which hurt you greatly. All you wanted to do was be close with your boyfriend. You wanted to be by his side, get to know him on a more personal level, but Senku’s lack of reciprocation of your affection only saddened, and over time, offended you.

You grasped at straws for any sort of affection you could manage out of him. Weren’t boyfriends meant to spend time with you? Ask you about your day? Be vulnerable and open and affectionate?

Each attempt at vulnerability with Senku led to the man of logic falling short, casually dismissing your efforts and resuming his talk about something science related. You did your best to be patient. These new levels of intimacy and trust took time to build. Each time, however, your heart grew heavier and heavier when your boyfriend made no sign of budging from his usual emotionally reserved nature.

And so, eventually, you stopped putting in the effort.

You started mimicking him near the end of your relationship. You distanced yourself emotionally, and you spent a lot of the time you’d usually spent with Senku on a science gadget to focus on your own interests.

He just doesn’t care, you would think sadly to yourself. We just don’t work.

And so eventually, the two of you broke things off.

Your friends were encouraging and insistent, however. “Every relationship has some roadblocks,” your friend Yuzuriha tried to reason empathically after you had vented your frustration and sadness to her, “you two just need to work together. You love each other a lot.” Somehow your friend saw something that you just couldn’t.

“How could you be so cold toward Y/N, Senku? I thought you liked each other.” Taiju had asked with all the genuinity in the world, but something about the question made Senku suppress a shudder. “I guess it makes sense. You aren’t into the whole romance thing.”

Senku isn’t a tin man with a missing heart no matter how much it may seem that way, however. His feelings for you were genuine, he wouldn’t have been in a relationship with you if they weren’t. He had approached your relationship as if it were a complex puzzle, when in reality, science and logic just didn’t fit in this equation. He had been looking at it all wrong.

To be logical didn’t simply mean to look at the cold hard facts. It certainly didn’t mean disregarding emotion from the equation all together. If anything, it was an important variable. He had a bad habit of getting so caught up in himself that he tended to forget such important details. But at this point, he was too late. He had realized his mistake far too soon, and now you were gone to him.

He’s lost another important variable- one that makes the whole equation fall apart. He spends a lot of time reflecting, and the entire time he knows, logically speaking, that the two of you weren’t meant to last for various reasons. Yet still, he realizes that he'd been trying to approach something that's illogical logically. His relationship with you wasn’t science, and he was a fool for ever thinking there was anything to compare. It isn't some complex formula or even some video game.

Did he really need to have a logical reason for liking, loving a person? Enjoying their company, admiring and cherishing them?

You didn’t want to take it too personally, however. Friends were what the two of you were better off as.

Yet over 3700 years pass and Senku finds that he has an overwhelming desire to start over. His heart, embarrassingly, yearns for something more. To try it all again, to repair his mistakes. It’s only enhanced the more time he spends around your brilliant mind, witnessing your kindness and empathy over and over, especially when it's most needed during troubling times.

He turns away when he feels guilt bloom in his chest. His attentive eyes can see from your lingering stares and wide smiles that you too would want a do-over.

The cycle of going through the motions would rinse and repeat to the point of exhaustion; this was Senku’s biggest fear, that this hypothesis would be proven true. He hoped that this was a theory he could disprove.

#i feel my senku characterisation has collapsed a bit :( been a while since ive seen my guy #this has been rotting for literal months in my drive #i forced myself to finish SOMETHING #writing has just not been clicking #dr stone angst #dr stone x reader #dr stone oneshot #dr stone imagines #senku ishigami x reader #senku x reader #senku ishigami oneshot #senku ishigami angst

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whatisame · 1 month

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bartylus but barty is too crazy for anyone to ever figure out or approach with the intent of dating and regulus is too hot and too emotionally unavailable so being best friends they naturally decide to do something 'stupid' like 'kissing' to see what all the fuss is about and holding hands and cuddling and making out and ofc inevitably develop feelings 4 one another

OMG INO you have absolutely no idea how feral I am about this !!! <3 My favorite codependent bfs. Acid drink personified meets triple shot expresso and together they're giving you cardiac arrest.

Chews cigarettes for breakfast/sugar bomb for dinner meets green juice enthusiast and it goes downhill immediately. Either way, downhill is more fun.

Barty and Regulus are an eccentric pair, to say the least. Very different from each other yet the same brand of dysfunctional; it's no surprise neither of them have had a relationship well into their school years nor that they have absolutely no interest in anything of the sort. They somehow get the feeling that everyone else is looking for their other half while they're already complete. Or it might just be the commitment issues. Either way, the truth of the matter is they're highly inexperiened and that along with their obsessively curious minds and blatant superiority complex does not bode well together.

They are two sides of the same coin which means that when Barty makes the suggestion, Regulus doesn’t bat an eye.

It is, after all, practical. Getting the hard part out of the way and getting to experience what everyone else seems so obsessed with--because god knows they're not pulling anyone of their own accord--is but the sensible thing to do. This, like every other part of their relationship, unfurls naturally.

One moment they're sitting on the couch, watching a dumb romance and Barty is asking: "Do you even wonder what it's like?", nodding at the epic kiss scene under the rain.

The next, they are kissing for the first time.

And it is painfully awkward.

They're frigid, with their unmoving lips being the sole point of contact between them, and about five seconds in they start wondering what on earth made them think this was a good idea.

It is Regulus that breaks first, laughter vibrating against Barty's lips. And Barty doesnt even have the decency to be offended. He pecks him reprimandingly, simultaneously burrying his fingers in Regulus' ribs which pulls another round of giggles off him. Barty kisses those, too.

Eventually the laughter dies down but they do not stop there. The gentle pecks turn into lips moving softly against each other's which in turn turn into open mouthed kisses paired with hands in hair and shoulders and waists.

So anyway, they never notice when the credits start rolling in.

Afterwards, they look for any possible excuse to kiss. At parties, for a dare, in name of pissing off homophobes.

Over time, both become meaner, rougher around the edges. They never do kiss softly again but that's okay becuase its not meant to be something romantic. Or that's what Barty tells himself each time Regulus gets that little mischievous glint in his eye, that unabashed curling of the lip, and he's thinking 'I would bleed myself dry to have a taste of it'. For Regulus, the thought comes whenever Barty's smile loses that sharp edge and turns into something joyous stretching wide across his face. They are jealous and possesive, and it's ugly as they fight tooth and nail for something they ultimately can not have.

And they hurt each other a lot. But that's okay because at the end of the day they are the ones that stitch the other back up.

#might have gotten a lil carried away #they ARE inconditional love reincarnated #no matter how 'ugly' they think themselves to be the other will always adore them for it #in a world that has done nothing but hurt them they should get to have that safe space w eo #bartylus

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soap-soaap · 4 months

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Some Sanji headcanons!! Lots of random things and I'm not very good at writing/don't write often so sorry if it's bad </3 (a bit of sanuso)

After timeskip he wears a bit of waterline eyeliner everyday, because he likes the look of it and uses it as a kind of reminder to himself about timeskip and everything he learned. If anyone asks about it he'll get super defensive. He also has one or more dresses he kept from timeskip that he occasionally wears when he's by himself, with ussop (sanuso >>>>) or with nami/robin. He just trusts ussop in general with everything (like a second nature to him) but it took him longer to be able to wear them and be more feminine around nami and Robin as he was afraid of judgement. Whenever he dresses up for occasions/wears dresses he also wears mascara. He's VERY hygienic and a clean freak which comes from him being in the kitchens a lot so wanting to stay hygienic enough for the food to be hygienic but also just him wanting to stay clean in general. I think he and Robin borrow/share each others skincare/purfumes/haircare, while nami would rather use her own and nobody else use it, and if they were to want to they would be charged a fee (ofc).

I think Sanjis rivalry with Zoro is actually very special to him as it helps him to better himself and also gives him something to do, while also just liking annoying Zoro and having that (platonic because sanuso) relationship. He bakes cakes with Luffy and lets him lick the batter off the spoon in secret (washing the spoon THOROUGHLY - you never know what luffys eaten). He also loves to work in the kitchen when brook is playing music and will often just ask for him to play while he washes up or preps meals.

He LOVES his hair and treasures it a lot, looking after it with haircare, brushing it often and seeking tips from ussop (HE LOVES HAIRCARE THE MOST) or robin. Heterochromi,a Sanji ofc, one blue/sapphire eye and one very pale green one. He doesn't like them so tries to hide them (why his hair is over one eye) but sometimes uncovers them when he's feeling relaxed/overwhelmed and wants his hair out his face. He gives out the food with Robin nami and ussop getting the first three (he carries them all at once), Luffy next, brook and Franky and jinbe then Zoro last ofc. All though he LOVES to cook complex and difficult meals, he secretly enjoys the more simple ones the most. Like I said he's a clean freak, so sometimes he'll go and try to clean the other stawhats rooms out of frustration (he always gives up or gets too annoyed with them). Cleaning also helps him calm down and clear his head. He hates and loves his smoking, for differing reasons ; but he just can't bring himself to quit even if it were for the greater good.

He LOVES (even if he won't admit it) to get challenges on weird food combinations from the strawhats to try and make taste nice and he almost always makes them delicious. He's very unsure about his romantic feeling at first (he's very confused about ussop) and ends up going to robin for advice. I think him and Robin have a very strong friendship /platonic bond and Robin sort of mentors him with a lot of things, which he's very embarrassed about but secretly loves and relies on quite a lot. Zoro and Sanji actually mainly only argue because of how actually similar they are. They'd get along SO WELL if they didn't argue. I feel like Sanji would love to talk to brook about experiences he might have had (from him being quite old) (not sexual MOSTLY…) but he just wants to know things about the world, often linked to wanting to know about possibly a clue to where the all blue may be.

Although he's dedicated to his dream, he'd give it up for any of the strawhats. He truly loves them above all. He and chopper would often talk about what foods would be best for who, depending on diet and whatnot, so Sanji learnt a lot from him in terms of that. They'd often meet up every week or so to discuss it but when they eventually sorted everything out, they continued to meet up. They're so little brother big brother dynamic and I love it sm. Sanji would ofc do anything for chopper and chopper the same back. Their dynamic/friendship is so overlooked/underrated in the show but it's so cute <3

#vinsmoke sanji #black leg sanji #sanuso #sanji #straw hat crew #strawhats #ussop #sanji x ussop

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jankwritten · 5 months

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Jason and Nico are dating and in love and their connection is deep-rooted and incredibly complex and everything.

jason and hazel are best friends. They're besties. They hang out and try over-complicated coffee drinks together and they have sleepovers (with Nico ofc) where they gossip and paint each other's nails and swap stories about growing up and inevitably dive into trauma about their mothers and how that has affected them in the modern day.

Jason and Nico are dating but more often than not Jason has his arm around Hazel's shoulders when they all three hang out together. Nico is always reluctant about touch, or maybe only in the earlier stages of their relationship, but Hazel has no such reservations so she and Jason hug all the time. Jason carries Hazel around on his shoulders when they're in large crowds, usually with Nico holding onto the back of his shirt so they don't get split up.

Hazel and Jason have matching tattoos (Nico and Jason do too, but Jason and Hazel got theirs first). Hazel is the person Jason goes to when he first realizes he maybe wants to wear skirts. Jason is Hazel's first stop when she wants to spar or train with someone, because she KNOWS Jason will not hold back or pull punches.

Nico is beyond happy about all of this as well, because he loves Jason so much and so deeply but there are some days he just. cannot deal with people, he doesn't have the energy to talk or interact or even be in the presence of other people, and on those days, Jason and Hazel hang out and Nico knows that the two people he loves most are taken care of, that they will still be there when he's ready to see them again because they'll keep each other safe.

It's like. Jason and Nico are soulmates and they will always find each other, always save each other, always know each other. but Jason and Hazel are life partners in the way where they didn't fit at first but as they grew older and spent more time together they learned that they were both rebuffed by the walls each other put up and, actually, the person underneath is pretty cool.

Jason and Nico are married and Hazel lives in their third bedroom kind of situation. IDK. they are just important to me. they have to be Connected. near each other. spidey senses tingling when they're in danger.

(this rant brought on by the reminder that there are 7 different kinds of love given names in greek and Jason Hazel and Nico are three of them. Romantic, Familial, and some form of deep platonic.)

#hazel levesque #jason grace #nico di angelo #jasico #jason & hazel #they're besties your honor #and yes this CAN go hand in hand with my perjasabeth agenda.#Jason is dating Annabeth and Percy but he's married to Nico. Nico is dating Will and whoever the hell else #Hazel probably has a boyfriend or a girlfriend (or both) but I lowkey don't see her having a relaitonship with any of the canon demigods #except MAYBE Piper. in certain situations.#hazel could also be aromantic. as a treat.#Actually yeah that I feel fits her. Aromantic but bisexual. this makes sense to me. she doesn't have a desire for a romantic relationship #because she has Jason and she has her brother and those fill the need for Her People. she doesn't need romance she's got her family #(she's just like me fr)

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lesbiansanemi · 2 months

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Im curious about your thoughts on sabigiyuu and how you find them compelling, I hope you dont mind me asking

I don't mind at all! I love these types of questions. Feel free to ask me about any ships/characters/series/etc!

And yeah sure! Though to be honest, the main reason I like Sabigiyuu is due to my own really specific headcanons

The main one being that I headcanon Giyuu as aroace, and he had what would be considered a queerplatonic relationship with Sabito. Not that either one of them really have the terminology or even awareness of that.

Basically, I like it in the sense that Sabito is the first person that Giyuu got close with other than his sister, and latched onto him in a really intense way. This qpr eventually developed between them. It was a very intense relationship, something Giyuu had never experienced. It felt different from friendship, but also wasn't romantic.

Then ofc, Sabito dies.

I think Giyuu being aroace would only add to the alienation he feels from other people. Of course, he has his canonical inferiority complex, but then he can't even connect with people in a romantic or sexual way, nor does he have the terminology to really explain all of this or even understand it himself. He just thinks he doesn't fit in, and there's something wrong with him

It also makes his longing for Sabito all the more intense, because he was the one person he never felt alienated from, who he felt he was able to connect with in a genuine way. Not only is there the guilt over Sabito saving his life and dying for it, but Sabito was the only person he felt that specific connection with

So yeah! Basically! I like aroace Giyuu as a concept in general, and queerplatonic Sabigiyuu.

While ofc I like happy and fulfilled aroace characters, characters being content with being aroace, I do also like exploring the inherent loneliness that comes with being aroace at times, and Giyuu just fits that really well imo

#kimetsu no yaiba #giyuu tomioka #sabito #sabigiyuu #asks #kaz rambles

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council-of-beetroot · 7 months

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I love your Tolys analysis so much! There's so much to look at when it comes to Tolys. His relationships with everyone are so complex. He's Ivan's favorite and learns to live around the abuse, he openly dislikes Gilbert, he's ride or die for Feliks, he enjoyed being with Alfred, even though he was still treated like a maid (but obviously a much times better than his usual situation). another sad thing is he's overly serious. He has to walk on eggshells so often, ofc jokes go over his head :(

I love looking at his relationships with others and can honestly see him having intimate relations with all of the above you mentioned as well as very complex ones at that.

So even in a non romantic way, I began to think hmm what makes them work well together, what draws them together and what drives them apart.

Feliks and Tolys

What works or draws them to each other

They know each other better than anyone. They've forged such a strong bond because they had to. Their marriage was purely political but they ended up making it work for a really long time. I think they both push each other out of their comforts since they trust eachother to do so. With Feliks, Tolys is one of the few people he feels truly comfortable to be around. They bring out the other's lighthearted side as well. They have each other's backs.

What drives them apart

They know each other so well they lack boundaries and communication between them can go poorly.

With Feliks, Tolys is one of the few people he's comfortable around and this unfortunately makes Tolys almost akin to a security blanket which puts a strain on their relationship. Also Tolys is not the best with straight forward communication and isn't good with explaining how he feels and setting boundaries which to someone like Feliks it's very hard to read and figure out the way to appropriately interact in response

Alfred and Tolys

What works or draws them to each other

To Alfred Tolys is a good friend, a good mentor and and doesn't dismiss him for his youthfulness.

To Tolys, Alfred is ambitious, driven, and innovative and Tolys finds him very interesting and he is very willing to experience life in the US.

What drives them apart

You know those people who are nice and you consider yourself friends with them but there's something that keeps you from forging a stronger bond because you just can't fully relate and understand each other because you've had vastly different life experiences? That's where I see them drifting apart and maybe not in like a breakup but they are on separate paths.

Also I think Alfred's naïvete and idealism would not mesh well for Tolys.

Ivan and Tolys

What works or draws them to each other

For Ivan, Tolys is kind, reliant, empathetic, loyal, and always willing to lend an ear and listen. Tolys knows Ivan very well and knows his softness, his fears, and sees his vulnerability, Ivan genuinely likes Tolys and is quite affectionate towards him.

What drives them apart

Ivan doesn't want to lose people in his life so in an effort to prevent loss he ends up pushing people away when trying to ensure they don't leave him.

Tolys just like with Feliks is driven by emotion before reason.

Read my fic I sum it up perfectly there.

Gilbert and Tolys

What works or draws them to each other

They have been a constant opponent for the other for centuries, they have studied each other as opponents and know just how intense the other can get and this breeds a mutual admiration for their former opponent, the way it feels in a final match and you see how well your opponent fights and you see an honour in them facing you.

What drives them apart

That's the problem is that no matter how much they try fate seems to bring them back together

Lietpru endgame perhaps?

#lietpol #lietpru #ameliet #rusliet #asks and replies #anon

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welcometomyoasis · 3 months

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idk but like my standard is on thE GROUND so. anyone willing to understand me and still love me and give me cuddles and know like the basics abt me and im like gone. and this is gonna get really deep and shi but like honestly do you belive in like true romantic love? because i thought i did but i dont, because divorce and SA rates are at their peak and like yeah. :( thats why i love reading romance and watching romcoms. i can never do angst cuz there's enough angst in life so yk

sorry for the deep talk but idk you seem like a really cool person and it feels easy to talk to you!! but!!! i do believe in platonic love so!!! youre doing great!!!

-🌱

hello my dear 🌱 anon, my full reply under the cut because it's very long 😅 and also because warnings: talks about SA and toxic relationships.

same? because i'm so introverted that i really don't talk to anyone irl. it's just the fact that a person might be remotely interested and i'm just completely infatuated with them. really a terrible way of liking someone... just saying from personal experience...

honestly, i'm not sure if true romantic love exists. i used to think that it did, but now i'm kind of on the fence about it. you see, like you said, there's divorce and the SA rates are sky high, though i do believe that there are a whole bunch of other different factors that lead to those things besides love. eg. right time, wrong person or right person, wrong time. then there's toxic relationships and situations where people mistake love for obsession? and ofc there's that whole thing about lust vs love. like did you love the person because they made you happy physically? or did you love the person in their entirety.

in my opinion love (in general) is just a very complex thing. so on the other hand, when it comes to true romantic love, there might be very rare cases where it does exist. in those cases, to me there's a need to really pinpoint and distinguish what is it about the person that you love. and i do believe that true romantic love comes with selfless/ unconditional love, love that comes with the acceptance that you will need to make certain compromises and sacrifices. there's a need to just accept the other, flaws and all. it's not necessarily about pushing their flaws to one side and disregarding them? rather it's taking that those flaws are part of who they are and addressing them when necessary. that kind of love comes with being vulnerable with each other, revealing the aspects of yourself that you are most uncomfortable with. it shows how deep the trust is. it's also about working through whatever comes your way. idk whether this makes sense haha. but yea, that's my opinion of it.

i get you on liking the romcoms and stuff. i do prefer angst (in fact i'm writing angst right now haha) but yea, sometimes all we need is fluffy love stories to drown out whatever angst there is in real life.

ALSO PLEASE. I LOVE DEEP TALKS. you can talk to me anytime you want. 🤭 i'm literally smiling so much rn thank you for thinking of me. it's really easy to talk to you too! i have so many opinions on love honestly... idk... are you peaking into my drafts because i was looking into the 7 types of greek love for a fic...

side note: i absolutely believe in platonic love as well. i think the greek word for it is philia? yea i had a whole conversation about it with my friend the other day... it's about deep genuine connections and love between friends. people always confuse it with eros and stuff but that's a whole other problem.

anyway. YOU'RE ALSO DOING GREAT MY LOVELY 🌱 ANON! ILY!

#letters for shu ✏༝༚༝༚#anons ✮⋆˙#🌱 anon ✮⋆˙

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rebeccalouisaferguson · 8 months

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I only saw 1 and 3 in theaters back in the day. Went to see the new one blind with my family. Thought the choice to kill off the one character was strange enough when I first saw it since she seemed pretty important. Saw the complaints about dead reckoning online and was curious, so I checked out 4-6 since I missed them over the years. Yeah, I’m even more stumped after seeing the last three. Was it scheduling conflicts or was Ferguson just not interested in making more? If you know, ofc. I’m just trying to wrap my head around all this because I’m truly baffled rn. (Btw rogue nation’s my favorite)

HI! Welcome to the blog and I appreciate your message. Really glad you liked RN - the most Rebecca/Ilsa screen time of all the films with her plus she has amazing fighting sequences and just a very cool storyline.

No, no scheduling conflicts and it wasn't her decision either, at least neither she nor the people involved in production said anything to that effect. From all interviews director Christopher McQuarrie made it looks like it was his decision and that it was made early on, way before they began filming the film in 2020 and basically right after they finished Fallout in 2018. He basically said that the for the film to have real stakes someone close to Ethan had to die, they looked at different directions including Benji and Luther but decided that Ilsa's death would have the most emotional impact on the story and that her character basically had no way to go after the previous films other than having a heroic death.

Here is what he said:

"It was clear to the filmmakers from the beginning that it was Ilsa’s time to bow out. “It was one of the earliest conversations – around the set of Top Gun, we were already talking about it,” says McQ. “We knew that that emotional arc [of Dead Reckoning] was of a certain emotional tone. And we knew that if the movie was going to go darker, something in the story had to diverge.”

After the evolution of Ilsa from Rogue Nation to Fallout, there was pressure not to dilute one of the saga’s most complex and charismatic figures. “Any place you took that character would make less of her. It would suddenly become frivolous, which is something we're always trying to avoid,” McQuarrie explains. “The character would become frivolous, or she would just become a romantic interest. And it was never about creating a character who was defined by her love story with Ethan Hunt. Their relationship transcends a traditional love story.” It became clear that giving Ilsa an impactful send-off was the best way to serve her. “It felt like that story was looking for its resolution. And so we said, ‘This has got to happen’. What really needs to happen in the story is, the stakes have to be real. They can't be implied.”

You can read here more about his view on her death (as he said it was a heroic death) and that he expected divisive reactions from the fans on this: https://www.empireonline.com/movies/features/mission-impossible-dead-reckoning-part-one-10-more-spoiler-facts/

Hope this helps!

#anonymous #ask

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wendytestabrat · 1 year

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Hello! I’ve been making a big google doc explaining why I think Kyman is an intended ship and the subtext involving their relationship, however I hit a roadblock when I heard about Trey and Matt’s commentary at the end of the Imaginationland Trilogy. Trey said that Cartman only wants to humiliate Kyle but that there’s nothing more going on, however there are so many different pieces of information that clearly point towards this claim as false. Your amazing long ass posts about Kyman are the reason I started believing it’s canon, so I was wondering what you have to say about this dilemma??

well first of all i’ve said before how kyman may not even be canon and a lot of it is just trolling from matt & trey making jokes about them being gay bc it’s funny lol and yeah the imaginationland is def not meant to be taken seriously that whole plot with cartman trying to get kyle to suck his balls was clearly just humorous lol. but ofc there have been more serious kyman moments later on where shit gets all emotional so that’s when i started being more led to believe there’s def more going on especially with the drama in s20. it could be possible that all these gay moments started out as a joke like cartman making kyle suck his balls or making kyle stick his finger up his ass and all that LOL, but then when people started to notice this shit was a pattern and suspecting cartman is gay especially in s11 maybe matt & trey decided to take kyman more srsly later on and just run with it lol. they might just enjoy writing stories with deep romantic or passionate subtexts in them bc their dynamic is fun, but they may not want to actually make them a couple over fear it would ruin the show. as someone who’s written screenplays myself writers tend to just write from their own experiences and use it as an outlet to let out their complex emotions through their characters. sometimes things can turn out a certain way in ur work that the people who absorb it will interpret and dissect a certain way but it meant something completely different to the writer when they wrote it bc these complexes the writer has tends to come out in subconscious ways in the characters’ actions. so i think when they were explaining that episode they were just explaining the plot as they wrote it that cartman was trying to get kyle to suck his balls to humiliate him (bc cartman consciously doesn’t understand that he was doing that for gay reasons). and when u write simply from a character and their goals and motivations (which is typically where all good screenwriters start by figuring out what their main character’s goal is in the story and what they’re trying to accomplish, for cartman his goal was to get kyle to suck his balls to ‘humiliate’ him), other complexities will end up coming out of the story and you kind of learn more about your own character as you go lol. i tend to joke around that screenwriting is basically the introverted version of acting. in acting you have to get into your character in some way by relating parts of urself in them, like when a director tells an actor to cry in the scene by remembering something sad that happened to them if you know what i mean lol. screenwriting is the same way you’re writing dialogue that the characters say by putting yourself in the shoes of the character and understanding their perspective. it’s like improv acting, you get into a character come up with some lines and learn more about your own character as u go on. a theory i’ve had (i shouldn’t be talking abt this bc it’s fucked up to speculate abt someone’s sexuality publicly LOL) is that all these subliminal gay scenes between cartman and kyle has just been trey writing any unresolved gay feelings he has for matt. (and matt voices kyle, but i mean i’m not the first to speculate this there was also that lazy joke they cut from family guy about it, matt & trey may have even joked about them being a couple too) they’re two men who work very closely together so it wouldn’t surprise me if thoughts like that pop up every now and then. and i def feel like cartman is loosely based on trey, obviously stan is the character he based off himself but i def feel like there’s some of him in cartman too which is also why he voices cartman. i def feel like trey’s more lighthearted funny side is what he lets out through cartman also the side of him that’s scheming in business (i mean how do you think south park became such a huge franchise? this didn’t happen by chance lol) which we also see through cartman.

#KYMANRANTGARBAGE

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thoughtfullyrainynightmare · 1 year

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Ooo this ask game looks so fun! I’ll have to save it and reblog it for a later date hehe 👀!

For the ask game how about Eros: 4, Philia: 4, Storge: 5, Ludus: 4 and Pragma: 2 for hmm….Ms. Nora or Morena please 🥰? I’m actually pretty curious to see their thoughts on romance 🤔!

That's what I did XD I thought I had set the date to somewhere where I would be up and about and down to answer, and now I'm like "oh, it was today". But it's fine ^^

For Nora (Eleonora Vermillion)

Eros: 4

Do they believe in love at first sight? Have they ever developed a crush or romantic (or erotic) fixation upon a stranger based on their appearance alone?

Nora can't say that she wouldn't downright believe in it, because she knows that her parents fell in love almost instantly. But neither would she be willing to say "yes I believe in love at first sigh". She's more along the lines of "I'll see what happens". She's not necessarily expecting to fall in love at first sight, but she doesn't mind it being a slow process. She's also yet to meet anyone she'd had a crush on. As in, she can determined someone to be "handsome" or "beautiful" by appearance alone, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything else than just that. It doesn't mean that she would have emotions for said person. It's just an objective statement. She's very down to earth when it comes to love.

Philia: 4

Is your OC able to build close friendships with people very different from themselves? Perhaps in terms of culture, age or personality?

Nora knows that she is very eccentric. And all of her siblings are very different from each other, so she has learned from early on that people aren't like her, in terms of personality. So, she's learned to work around that, and does form friendships. She's also pretty open minded, with having roots in 2 different countries, so as long as you're at least trying to be a good person, you'll probably get along with her. That being said, her need for social acceptance is quite low, so she's okay with doing things by herself too. She's fine with having a smaller friend circle, who she sees... when she sees them ^^'

Storge: 5

Is your OC able to love without necessarily needing or expecting reciprocation or reward? Or are all their relationships to some extent transactional? Have they ever loved another person unconditionally, whether a child or another adult?

This comes back to her not needing social acceptance that much. So, her emotions are her own, and while she does need some love and care from her family, and has grown in a family where one love's their family members, she also knows that sometimes you wont receive what you put out. She does expect to be treated with love if she treats someone with love, because why else would she be in such a relationship (ofc if she has kids of her own that's a different story, because her kids are dependent on her and them she would love unconditionally). But she also thinks about people being reflective. Meaning that in most cases if you're nice, other people will be nice in return. It's a complex topic, but she's not in it for the "transaction".

Ludus: 4

Who was your OC's first crush? How do they feel about it now?

I don't actually know ^^' I haven't thought about it

Pragma: 2

What importance or value does your OC attach to marriage? Do they believe that it is important to make a public statement of commitment to another person (or persons)? Or are they more concerned about inheritance rights and security for their family? Or do they not see marriage as a necessary signifier of commitment and loyalty?

To Nora, when you are in a relationship and want to spend your life with the other person, getting married is something you do. She wouldn't say that it depicts the level of commitment, love or loyalty even, because arranged marriages are a thing (just as the financial side of marriage is also a thing), but there is beautiful symbolism in there if you do it "for the right reasons". But she does think that ultimately marriage is between 2 people, who want to be together, and there shouldn't be a public statement necessarily. So, if people want to elope, and just get married, they should be able to. She doesn't really dream about getting married though. But "it could be nice in the future".

Thank you for the question! ^^ (I might make these for Morena in some point too, once I've thought about her a bit more)

#lyra #wifey #yami's biker chick #oc ask game #oc: eleonora vermillion

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da3drat · 10 months

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writerly thumbprint challenge

Rules: look back on your work, both past and present, finished and unfinished. what are five (or more!) narrative elements, themes, topics or tropes that continuously pop up in your work?

thank you so much @wispstalk for the tag!!

I'm including all the wips that exist in my head and will never be written otherwise I'll have like,,, 3 things to consider hahaha

Character Driven: This is the big one, everything I write is character driven. It's all about character relationships to each other and themselves for me, and solid character arcs. Plot is important ofc but characters are where I shine and where I put the most energy.

Religion: Idk why I'm so deeply drawn to this, but my current original wip is basically just an exploration of my feelings on the subject. Most of my ocs are directly related to religion as well; for instance all my main tes ocs are paladins each having a vastly different relationship with what that means and with Mara herself. I'm also deeply fascinated by what it means to be Divine, and projecting deeply human flaws onto gods. Tearing them away from ideals and turning them into characters.

Monstrosity: This one is pretty cut and dry; my gay neurodivergent ass has a monster complex, so I write a lot of characters who feel like or are monsters. Especially characters who are isolated from their normal families due to that monstrosity.

Healing through Community: Especially in relation to the aforementioned monstrous characters. I love the trope of true love saving someone, of a character being changed through being loved, and I think it's even better when extended beyond romantic love and into familial or platonic love. No one person can save another, but surrounding someone who feels alone with love can be healing, and can give them the strength to grow and change. I guess this also goes with found family.

Friends to Lovers: what can I say. Even my enemies to lovers are usually friends to lovers on some level. I love slow burn romance where the characters involved deeply care for and respect each other, and love blossoms between them over time BECAUSE of that care and respect. Characters who will stand by each other against the world, who see the best in each other and help them see it in themselves. Characters who stick up for and defend each other. Thats the good shit right there.

no pressure tagging ummm @oblivionposting @mareenavee and @knightdoll !!

#this was so fun!!!#:D

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quiexxxent · 1 year

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also alkiss <3

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: bisexual SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual SEXUAL ROLES: dominant. submissive. versatile. PENETRATIVE PREFERENCES: loves bottoming. loves being dicked down. it's one of his favourite activities DOES YOUR MUSE USE A STRAP ON?: doesn't think he needs one! but he cld be talked into it, POSITIONS AS A TOP: being ridden. missionary. lotus. doggy. flatiron. legs on shoulders. standing up. standing while partner sits on surface. spooning. side by side. POSITIONS AS A BOTTOM: riding. missionary. lotus. doggy. flatiron. legs on shoulders. standing up. sitting on surface. spooning. side by side. SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS: monogamous. polyamorous. open. swinging. hook-ups. platonic. ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: monogamous. polyamorous. open. casual. committed. RELATIONSHIP ROLES: dominant. submissive. equal. nurturing. being nurtured. monetary provider. monetarily dependent. shared monetary burden. independent monetary responsibility. manages household. shares household management. prefers independent living spaces. likes having household managed by partner. THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE: woah there... it's a daunting thought. very opposed to his usual lifestyle, but his lifestyle has been different for a long time now. maybe, if he felt someone was special enough... but it'd be a very long, slow build up to that kind of ideal, DOES YOUR MUSE GET JEALOUS/POSSESSIVE?: you know... not really? he wants his partner to be happy, so even if he doesn't rly see the desire to have multiple people in one quad, he doesn't mind if he shares attention with someone else. ofc he doesn't want to be neglected, either, but he's pretty emotionally mature to say if he feels neglected, DOES YOUR MUSE LIKE POSSESSIVE PARTNERS?: god no. it's just upsetting and not very comfortable, makes him feel stifled and like he can't just... talk to people. he doesn't like the idea that he cant be trusted in his platonic relationship either, DO THEY LIKE DOM/SUB ROLES IN ALL ASPECTS OF RELATIONSHIPS?(i.e. dom’s responsibility both sexually and in life is to take care of the sub and look after them. sometimes utilizing sexual and nonsexual rewards/punishments to incentivize them to carry out self care or other responsibilities): you know... a little bit! it's not very practical to have someone decide a lot for him cause he's got his own life to live, but maybe some play that extends beyond the bedroom could be a little fun. as long as it's in private, and kept behind closed doors... yeah, he cld let himself a little loose, WHAT DOES AFTERCARE LOOK LIKE TO THEM?: being held and looked after... told he did good and treated in gentle ways.. some cuddling and him being allowed to cling to someone. yeah, WHAT ARE WAYS THEY PREFER TO BUILD EMOTIONAL INTIMACY?: dates, spending time w each other, kissing, the usual thing. he's not too complex, and loves the basic gestures... especially if it's obvious and clear,

#alkiss #him hole...#hed be such a good sub. its the dogy #u dont even kno

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jaccsonhyde · 1 year

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finally finished perez's wonder woman run, have a lotta feelings on it. i love it, first and foremost. perez you could tell was a writer who deeply cared about diana as a character and respected her and her ideals and i love the groundwork he set up that was set to be the basis for the character for a long long time.

diana herself i think was overall really well done, you could feel how much she cares but she also gets to be genuinely powerful and smart when she needs to.

i really like julia and vanessa kapetalis in this run, i love that wonder woman gets a concrete family and essentially base of operations and i like how relatively grounded both the characters were. vanessa sometimes was just a caricature of Every Teen Girl through the lens of an adult man which was funny but by the latter half i was surprised by the shift her character shift being about her mental health and such. julia ofc is just a really grounded, level headed parent figure for diana and it works for diana as her intro to mans world. i know the kapetalis' will be dropped shortly and im not looking forward to that

steve and etta are... pretty boring. i dont have many opinions on them one way or the other im mostly ambivalent to their story and romance but i do at least like them

hermes was one of my favorite characters of the run and i loved his relationship with diana when it wasnt romantic. a major question of the book is essentially "Are dianas gods worthy of her and everything she does for them?" and of course diana and every amazon would answer yes, so imagine my surprise when hermes comes in and says no actually, theyre not, himself included. i like the mutual respect they garner for each other and i especially like how towards the end of it, diana speaks to hermes rather bluntly. instead of in a way of reverence, more in the way of an equal. she questions him and his plans irt the dr psycho arc and he listens to her and complies which while it doesnt sound like a lot, this was someone she worshipped. to see them develop from patron/worshipper to comrades in arms was one of the highlights of the whole run for me. and it helps hes the only olympian consistently willing to stick his neck out for diana.

the amazons and themyscira themselves i overall like buuuut overall wish more was done with them and we explored more of their complexities. i like seeing how diana essentially reflects them and their ideals, how you could see where she learned specific traits from. the question of are the gods worthy of diana is briefly expanded to include the amazons as a whole instead of just diana which makes sense but didnt go far enough. thats a common complaint with perez's themyscira. when heracles was brought back and hippolyte forgives him, i wont necessarily say that was a misstep, i think it works, and i know for a fact george knows of the complexities of this topic, he brings them up more than once through the voice of my favorite of the amazons from the run, Hellene, whos shown to be a naysayer to diana and essentially her philosophical antagonist. shes rarely ever mean about it but she often voices really good opposing points to dianas sentiments. irt heracles, she asks, are they all obligated to forgive their abusers? does this mean men have a free pass to abuse women but be absolved as soon as they apologize? and to me it shows that georges heart was in the right place but its equally frustrating as these questions mostly serve to lampshade the complexities of the topic and just acknowledge them rather than actually explore them. it becomes even more frustrating when hellene herself is killed off screen right before war of the gods. a really interesting character that imo shouldnt have died especially as she filled a really important role among the amazons. the rest of the named amazons are mostly fine i dont have many major issues or opinions on them.

the bana mighdall, however, are a whole different story. an idea of georges that couldve been so so interesting and been a step further into hellene's ideas that instead becomes a vehicle of racist caricature upon racist caricature. the idea of an amazon faction that became disillusioned with the gods and the amazon's secluded ways that they go to mans world to try and enact real change, no matter what, couldve been such a good foil to themyscira as a whole which couldve made both factions incredibly well rounded. instead we get a bunch of gray skinned misandrist barbarians whos main driving force is a lust for blood. i dont wanna rant too much on them or else ill get legitimately angry, all I'll say is the bana deserved better.

as for the series other villains, lets blaze through some first. ares is barely a villain imo, hes more of an origin story and works well as one. eris was a fun villain for that one arc where diana takes a bunch of global representatives to themyscira. decays a cool concept but not much more. dr psycho. cheetahs alright but bordering on very ableist tropes and in general the cheetah isnt often an interesting villain to me. valerie beaudry's silver swan is proooobably my favorite iteration of the villain, both in story and in costume, i think shes so pretty and i wish shed show up more

CIRCE! if you know me, you know circes one of my favorite dc characters ever so seeing her completely in power here was amazing. i love everything about this character. i love her haughty, devillish personality, i love her stupidly convoluted and endlessly cruel plans. i really love her simple green robe design from this run. i love her as a complete opposite of diana in almost every single way. i love her dialog i love her motivations i love every panel shes in i just simply love love love this character and cant wait to see more of her eventually.

overall im so glad i went and started reading this era of wonder woman. i miss george perez every single day im reminded of him and i love him and the work he left in this world. i cant wait to continue the volume and i especially cant wait to eventually reread cassies first appearances

#dc #diana prince #wonder woman #george perez #wonder woman volume 2

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