#and that he cannot fathom or relate to what he was thinking when he wrote some of his songs

[bigkpopstan]

no bc I literally cannot stop thinking about Christian yu

#dpr ian 🫶 #not soft hours but idk how else to make an ian tag 😭😭 #also nerves hits different after the Zach sang interview and I know how it was birthed #during a low like manic/bipolar episode #I’m glad even in that state that one of his outlets is writing tho #and that he cannot fathom or relate to what he was thinking when he wrote some of his songs #idk I like his-lore? in a way? like all his characters the little universe and story line #he came up with bc of it

[iheartuwu]

₊˚ ♡ random relationship hc’s ◞ leon s. kennedy

fem!reader, fluff, angst, established relationship, implied age gap for like one or two hc’s, wrote these in an id leon brainrot fueled spur lmfao so mostly for an older leon ig !? would love to expand on some of these in a fic, wc 0.6k ╮

gift giving is definitely one of his strongest love languages, however he’s not one for grand gestures or overtly romantic gifts. his gifts are practical, thoughtful, consistent reminders that he’s always thinking of you because he’s never been good with words. he prefers to not be present when you receive them and he’s SO deliberately discreet about it too. subtly replacing your skincare or fav products that are running out with brand new ones, delving into his mental notes of what you’re running low on when he’s at a shop. scheduling food or flower deliveries for when he’s away on a mission or work related tasks. any praise would probably make his skin crawl because he just can’t handle it

terms of endearment feel unnatural to him and rarely fall past his lips unless you seem to react positively to them. i don’t see him as someone who’s that experienced in committed long term relationships ( or relationships in general ) due to the nature of his work and lifestyle. he defaults to ‘babe’ until he learns which terms you prefer / dislike

leon would never accept your offers or attempts to pay for a thing ( i swear by this ). this doesn’t come from a place of arrogance or urge to fulfill some ‘traditionally’ masculine role. his disposable income is plentiful, and he’s happy to pay when the opportunity arises, he honestly doesn’t even think about it and merely hands over his credit card. receiving gifts can often be hard for him but he’ll never purposely display his discomfort or refuse

extremely dry texter and doesn’t really use his phone despite being tech savvy, all of his texts end with periods. rarely ever uses emojis ( his personal favs are 👍👎 and the occasional ❤️ ). typically one word responses. doesn’t understand half of the abbreviations you use. send him a keyboard smash and he’ll think you’re having a stroke. prefers to call you instead

always the driver ( he insists on it ). always has the seat warmer on for you. if you do drive he becomes a backseat driver which can be mildly frustrating. comments on your song choices when you play music in his car but would never tell you to stop no matter how grating it is on his ears and simply endures. sometimes opts for his motorcycle over his car solely because he gets to be held onto by you. would literally never let you even fathom the idea of driving his motorcycle

frequent date nights at borderline obnoxiously ritzy restaurants to compensate for his time spent away from you due to his job. also bc this man cannot cook. does not let you know in advance. he simply says “we have a reservation tonight” like an hour before which often results in you scrambling to get ready

he struggles with sharing his ( darker ) emotions, accompanied by a habit of opting to brush your concerns off. vulnerability is a foreign language to him. he’s scarily good at pretending he is fine, but you manage to see glimpses of his deteriorating wellbeing in his body language. the heavy sighs upon waking up, his slight recoil from your touch, his posture stiffening after you ask him what’s on his mind. this doesn’t come from a place of distrust in any way, he truly just doesn’t want to ‘burden’ you and convinces himself that his struggles aren’t important in the grand scheme of things. he also knows the source of his stress and trauma is for the most part confidential and he tells himself he’s doing it for your own safety and protection. when he does open up by his own volition, he keeps it brief, spares most of the details, his composure rarely falters and he’s itching to move on from the subject. you’ve never seen him cry :(

#leon kennedy x reader #leon s kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy x y/n #leon kennedy headcanons #leon kennedy drabble #leon kennedy #resident evil x reader #i could go on and on about him fr

[aroacee-of-spades]

nyx im losing it over the last episode if good omens the timeframe makes no sense

hi sorry i took a day to respond to this!! (btw part of the reasoning for this is that ur ask pushed me to finally create a table listing every single time that aziraphale's clock displays throughout s2, which is why most of this will be abt the clock)

i will actually launch into essays abt the timing of the last episode i'm not even kidding

to be perfectly honest with u at first i thought it was trying to mimic books, when timing would change to fit a scene (and not to point fingers at writers who do this ig but i just don't typically like stories like these lmao) but even that doesn't explain the damned clock (i am so done with the clock, its presence haunts me) + why would Neil ever have any reason to mimic amateur writing???

anyway, i'm killing myself over any way to make sense of the timing in that episode rn.

like unless if the way time works in the uk has changed since i last lived there, and if aziraphale changed time during the Halo Scene (this also brings up the question of How Much and What Else did he change, which to the latter i don't think he changed Anything) which btw in the Halo Scene, its 6am and while i can't find the exact time at the start of The Ball (if u can pls tell me i'd love to expand on this, rn it's just a bunch of ramblings put into a google doc) or- more technically i found One tiiiiny scene from the bts clips that MIGHT be the correct time but i have yet to check this lmao (according to the clip it's 6:30pm which, if true, only adds to the utterly bewildering timeframes)

BUT ALSO everybody seems to have a sense of time (as seen in the nina, "i havent slept in 30 hours, order accurately & fast") which means that MAYBE IT'S JUST US?? which makes this whole thing so much more confusing bc if thats the case then why. whyyyyy. Why would you EVER use a working clock??????

i have SO MUCH to say abt the timeframes at the END especially. but before i do, i really wanna know what u think (btw this isn't me trying to pawn my answer on u i just really wanna know ur opinions on Everything gomens related haha)

i also wrote this during my breaks as i worked and i'm now done and am Very Tired and cannot fathom doing anything other than resting on the sofa and rewatching gomens:)

#red tag #mutuals;) #not-so-good omens #gomens

[nine-fingered-entity]

as i head into the final case, the resolve of ryunosuke naruhodo: we are going into the fire. all will be revealed. the horrors unveiled. it's time. answers at any cost.

but first: brain vomit

i spent a lot of time theorizing on who the final defendant would be, only for it to just be the same trial. marginally disappointing but it's probably for the best. not sure if my heart could take more people dying

that being said: Herlock as a defendant (my top contender) would have been interesting. deeply.

the case title worries me. to be fair, everything about the setup here worries me. i suspect it will be unpleasant, if cathartic

i've been thinking this from practically the moment we met, but i strongly believe Stronghart will be the final baddie/final witness. it feels so obvious. almost too obvious. which is why i'm now second-guessing myself. i dont have a backup theory though. so.

i'm not sure i buy Gregson as the Reaper. it makes sense, but i have a nagging doubt. what about Gina? he told us that he was taking Gina to France to protect her. and that could be a lie, but. i don't know.

or actually. hang on. having a thought. He was the Reaper-or involved-and never felt doubt about his involvement until Gina. knows that the Reaper can't act outside of Britain (esp with Shinn dead) and so plans to flee with Gina. this gets him killed by the one in charge of the whole Reaper thing?

i honestly don't know. but there's more to it than what Zieks thinks. than what we all think.

Vigil is either lying to us or not all of his memories have returned. i swear he has Genshin's ring, from the Barok flashback. how would he have it?

on a similar note: the governor of the prison is not telling us everything.

i'm fairly convinced Genshin is not the Professor, at this point. Or at least that there's more going on there. He saved Barok. He wrote some weird papers (which are not the ones we were given, no way), he still doesn't really have a motive. The whole giant dog aspect of the case. The Baskervilles. There's more to this.

terrible thought i had: Dr. John H. Wilson. he was even a professor!

or Stronghart. again. i don't know.

i'm still waiting to see if Van Zieks and Stronghart are related. they have the same crest. it. worries me.

speaking of Van Zieks. god. the scene after the trial where he's his usual terrible self and then Ryunosuke is like "is that any way to talk to your lawyer" and then van Zieks apologized? so satisfying. you tell him, Ryunosuke.

i just like it when Ryunosuke gets a bit snippy. see: every time he called van Zieks his "learned friend" like go off. get him.

also i cannot believe Kazuma kept calling Ryunosuke his 'learned friend' during the trial what is Wrong With Him.

i miss my sword. obs it is good that Kazuma is alive and gets his sword back, but i miss the sword. its so fun.

at least Kazuma finally talked to Ryunosuke. like. way later that he could have but at least he did. thank you. i appreciate someone being honest with me. its so rare.

okay. Iris' dad possibilities time:

Mikotoba: unlikely. its possible, but it feels unlikely. gut instinct. i want to not be disappointed in him.

Dr. John H. Wilson: it could still be him, but i doubt it. he apparently didn't seem to have a family?

Herlock: plausible. unfort. will explode him with my mind if so. could not fathom a reason why he'd lie to Iris if so. although im sure one would exist

one of the nobles (Klint) killed by the Professor: spitballing. the og hound of the baskervilles had something to do with killing heirs. i don't know. concerned.

Gregson. highly unlikely but also. i don't know.

Mycroft: my crack theory. we dont even know if there Is a Mycroft.

i have more thoughts (incoherent yelling) but idk

if herlock does not have a good explanation for everything i will flip my lid. kazuma. iris wilson. the professor. the baskervilles. why was he even on the SS Burya? he has much to answer for.

#nellie liveblogs tgaa

[dilfbane]

It Gets Better(A Silky Pearl)

Summary: It’s been a long time since things have gotten this bad. Loki, returned from his latest mission, lets you know that, with help and support, you can overcome the worst of things, and makes sure you know that he’ll be there with you to get you through it, each and every day. 

Pairing: Loki/Female Reader

Warnings: Reader in this fic struggles with eating disorders. Thoughts and feelings related to these(specifically to anorexia and bulimia), are made throughout the fic, especially those that, in my personal experience, people with these disorders experience. I cannot stress enough that this will be discussed/referenced/talked about, sometimes explicitly(Though not graphically) and sometimes implicitly, so please be aware of that and know that it’s OK to take care of yourself and skip this one if that would be triggering to you! 

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: I want to preface this by saying that there are a LOT of people, both here and on AO3, who have made some amazing Loki/reader oneshots where the reader is struggling with mental health and/or physical health issues, that really provide a sense of warmth and fluff and support to people who may be going through those things themselves, and I’ve taken a lot of comfort in those fics over the course of the pandemic(I’ll be shouting out a couple of them in the tags!). I want to acknowledge that these exist, and that they’re awesome and have partly inspired my own writing, before talking about this little project I’m embarking on. 

Because, while I have gotten a lot of comfort out of many of those pieces of writing, there are definitely some things which I feel like aren’t talked about as much in pieces like these which I have gone through, and which a lot of other people have gone/are going through, and…. I figured that maybe I could take a crack at trying to provide that hit of fluff for people dealing with those things, if I can, and hopefully use my own experience with them to do it in as respecful and accurate a way as possible. 

All that being said, the first oneshot in this little project is going to be dealing with a pretty heavy subject, that being eating disorders. The reader in this fic does struggle with eating disorders - specifically anorexia and bulimia. I will not be actively describing anything too graphic about these disorders in this fic, except to highlight through implication and some sparse details that this is what’s happening here, as well as show some of the inner thought processes of the reader, but there definitely is enough in here to show that that’s what’s going on, so if anyone would be triggered by that, please take care of yourselves and give this one a pass! Also, I will further disclaim that there are many types of eating disorders, and everyone’s experience with them is different. In this oneshot, I wrote based off what I know to have been true during the time in my life when I struggled with the same conditions, and I really tried to make the fluff and support as kind and encouraging as I possibly could. If for ANY REASON there’s something that I did badly at, or something that’s disrespectful, anyone reading this may feel more than free to let me know and I’ll do my best to fix it! I don’t want this fic to be a place where anyone feels hurt or disrespected, that isn’t my intention at all, and if I make a mistake in that regard for any reason whatsoever, I would really appreciate knowing so that I can correct it!

Anyways, after that extremely lengthy A/N, just… please know, if you’re going through something like this, that you’re not alone, that help does exist and is out there, and that you are seen and heard. And take this Loki fluff, because honestly, there can never be too much of that in the world! 

You know that he worries about you. Even before his latest, three-week mission, you know that he worried about you. In the mornings, as you pour your coffee, you watch him watch you with careful nonchalance, gaze boring into the back of your head, slight furrow creasing his eyebrows, frown pulling small at his lips. He dresses early, because he wakes early; it is a battle, most mornings, for you to get out of bed. And so what, if you take your coffee with more creamer than is necessarily normal - it has to last you a long time, this coffee. You need the sugar of it, to get you to that clean pain. It is sharper, more real, than any scalpel, any knife that Loki keeps concealed by his armor; all that fine Asgardian leather, green and supple and him. It gives you back the control that you lack. Lets you be the person that you would be. 

It’s not that you’re afraid of your body, but you are ashamed by it; cannot fathom, even now with his gaze on you, that Loki could love somebody so dreadfully overweight. 

Today, though - Today, you had thought, you had hoped, that it might be different. You don’t know why you have that hope, but it brims up in you; a physical need, a visible yearning, for you to be enough for once. Someone that Loki can stand to look at. Someone that Loki can love. He is looking at you now like he’s seeing you for the first time, and you flinch from the frown that creases his piercing gaze, unable to bear how it roves up the planes of your body; silhoutted in the light coming in through the window, you can feel each ounce of fat that stretches over your sinew, cartilage. (You know that Loki hates your body - He traces it sometimes like he’s probing you, trying to find where your bones are. You wish that you could call him on it, and know that you never could). 

You stand at the counter, and turn from him; rummage in the cabinet for your coffee mug with shaking fingers; you almost feel like they’re rubber. Blue and cold, like his Jotun skin, but you know that it isn’t enough. Pins and needles prick at them - you can almost convince yourself that it’s only your guilt and shame, but you cannot hide from the pain suffusing Loki’s voice when he speaks. 

“Darling,” He says, on a shaky breath, “We need to talk about this.” 

“I know -” You tell him - you know that you can’t run from this, anymore. He knows how you look, how nothing you do is fixing it. And now, he’s going to leave you. “I know, Loki - I tried, Loki, I’m so sorry -“ 

The agony that wells up in you threatens to overwhelm your ability to speak, and you feel your knees buckle the second before you fall. Your kneecaps slam against the cupboard underneath the sink, your head hitting the edge of the counter as you slide down hard to the floor. It hurts. But every part of your body hurts, these days. It’s as constant as your worthlessness. And something else, too - 

He is there, on the floor with you, in less time than it takes place to blink, pulling you hard and desperate into his arms; you don’t understand why, and you try to wrench yourself from him, sobs bubbling up and spilling out from your tightly shut eyes. You can feel the bruises starting to form on you, a lump throbbing at your temple. 

“Love,” He is saying, “Y/N, sweetheart, come back to me. Come back to me, darling, please.” He is stroking your hair; you feel his fingers at its strands, thin and brittle. God, you think, how pathetic you are - you can’t even keep yourself pretty for him, for this god and all the sacrifices that he’s made. You cry harder, unable to stop your own wailing. When you finally do, you’re exhausted - it takes everything out of you. 

“Loki,” You say, on a wretched whine, “I’m so cold.” 

“Hush,” He says, “You’re alright. You’ll be warm soon - We’ll sort it, darling, I promise.” 

You don’t know how to tell him that it isn’t something you can sort, but somehow you know, deep in your heart, that Loki understands. Still, his voice is so sweet, and the shudders that wrack you begin to halt in the steady hold of his embrace; the tender brush of his fingers over your skin. You feel like you can look at him, now, so you do it, sucking your bottom lip into your teeth to steel yourself for the cruel things you’re certain he’ll start with. But Loki’s gaze isn’t angry at you, not full of fury or disgust. They sparkle with unshed tears and concern, emerald in the daylight. It takes you a moment too long to realize all that pain, all that worry, is for you; when you do, though, you flinch away. Feel Loki’s fingers drop from your hairline to your cheek, then your chin, tilting your head up so that you can’t run and hide. 

“I’m losing you, love,” Loki says. His voice is low, and steeped in sorrow. It is his turn to look down, with guilt and shame, and you feel a pang blossom, raw and red, in your heart. He sighs, and straightens his shoulders. He is filled with some new resolution, some new determination you can’t wince away from. 

“I need to know,” Loki tells you, “How long this has been going on. I need to - I need you to tell me why, love. I can’t bear to see you like this.” 

“I can’t,” You say, blinking back a fresh torrent of tears, “Tell you why. It’s not - I can’t - I don’t know.” 

But you know, and Loki does, too. It’s the god of lies, holding you - of course he can tell that you’re lying. It is something other, and runs deep, this bone-y reluctance. A complex game of mental gymnastics. How could you ever tell Loki about the control that it gives you, the desperation with which you used all your calorie-counting and aching restraint to regain the love that you lost? The nights bent over toilet bowls; the way that, sometimes, you empty stomach made you dig your nails hard into your palms ’til they bled, to stop yourself from crying out at the pain. And he loves you - the part of you that craves his affection, that yearns to burrow fast and fierce into Loki’s embrace and spill all your secrets to him, makes sure to remind you of that.

“Y/N,” Says Loki, soft and tender, yet infused with a note so harsh that you would wince, if you could. “You can tell me anything. You need to.” 

You notice things, now, in the face of his determination. You notice that Loki is looking at you like he’s in physical pain, and that there’s something sticky and red on the pads of the fingers that brushed up against your head. 

“I’m bleeding,” You say. It comes out soft, horrified. 

The frown that creases Loki’s face would bring you to your knees, if you weren’t there already. 

“It’s just - a thing that I do,” You tell him, too ashamed to look at his face as you reveal it. “You don’t have to worry about it.” 

“That’s not enough for me, love.” 

Loki’s lips are pursed tight, and the wound in his eyes has hardened to steel. The you part of your body - the fleeing part, the one who knows how to survive - seizes its’ chance and you duck out of his embrace, with far more strength than you had possessed in what felt like, potentially, years. Scrambles, backwards, like a cornered animal, over the tile floor, before heaving itself up to standing. It faces Loki, and its’ breath comes in stabbing-sharp. It is hard to remember that you have to call it ‘myself’. You feel older than you were, yesterday, and you cannot, quite, get air to come into your lungs. That’s not enough for me, you hear your lover say, ringing in your ears like a hyena’s howl. 

You’re not enough for me, love. Your fingers spasm, clutching the sides of the kitchen table white-knuckled. You wonder, fleetingly, what Loki would do if you died. The thought makes you cry out in pain, a whimper ripping out from a throat rubbed fingernail-raw, but Loki does not move to stand. 

“Come back to me,” He tells you, spiked with sorrow and need. And, perhaps for the first time, you admit it - to yourself, as much as to him. 

“I don’t - I don’t think I know how.” 

He smiles the smiole of someone who’s seen his own pain, faced his own lashing demons, and you pause to take him in fully, this god who says that he loves you, the man he is trying to be. You catch on hixs eyes, those bright emerald coins, his hair like the feathers of crows. His high, pale cheekbones, and his silver-tongue cut like glass. The pads of his fingertips, slender and cold, tender and fierce on your skin or the hilt of a dagger. You breathe in the smell of him, parchment and iron; peppermint tea and the smoke from a lorn, crimson fire. Wet leaves, after a rain. You feel your resolve start to waver. 

“Well,” He says, all thoughtful, all trickster, “Sitting down, I believe, would be a good place to begin.” 

The teasing lilt of his voice - an act that he is putting on, and all for you, always for you - cajoles you, coaxing you to lever your elbows and slide back down onto the floor, your weary legs feeling unimaginably grateful. Loki shoots you a new smile now, light and proud. He beckons you, with a cock of his head and a slim, fond gesture, to him - Of a sudden, the tiles beneath you seem like a desert, an ocean. You feel the weight of your emptiness. It laughs at you, its’ white teeth filed and barred. In your head, your failure is heavy; a hot and cackling creature with seven-foot claws pressing down on your chest, restricting your matchstick limbs. You are lost to the unyielding insistence of it, trapped in the maw of its cage, and Loki’s words, when they come, sound as far away as the shores of a country ancient and foreign. 

“I was hardly gone,” He is saying, but you cannot answer him. “How could it have gotten this bad?” 

It is that - that sadness, that fear in your lover - that breaks you, and you take the thing at a clumsy, terror-steeped sprint, not caring how wretched you look, so long as you can reach him - So long, you finally let yourself think, as there is something left of you for Loki to hold in his arms. Your body hurts worse than anything. You feel every scrape and bruise and chill on it; the pins and knives working at oxygen-starved nerves, and the gnawing clamp of your hunger, a brand pressing into your gut; and you know that Loki can’t save you. But maybe, just maybe, you can find some way to save yourself. And his fingers are there, going up to your hair, thumb rubbing at a hollow cheek and catching the salty dirge of an errant tear. 

“It gets better, you know,” Loki tells you. He gets you onto his lap; you feel his heartbeat under your palms where you clutch tightly at his shirt to hold yourself up. A steady, thrumming proof that he is alive. And when he says it, you get the sense that, somehow, you’ve always know it, this whispered secret he’s weaving into your soul. “If you get proper help for it. If you want it to.” 

He speaks casually, but there is a weight to his words. Miraculously - you’re not quite so sure how - you find yourself able to meet them. 

“I want it to,” You tell him. “I didn’t, before - “ And here his eyes widen, and he shakes his head like you’ve shot him - “But I do. I want to -“ 

“Alright, love,” He tells you, running a soothing hand down over your side, past the hard planes of your collarbone, “Alright. It’s okay. You’re such a strong person- It’s going to be hard, for awhile, but I know that you can get through this. I’ll be right here with you, darling. Right here, by your side.” 

“You will?” You ask him, voice cracking, hardly daring to hope that despite all this, he would stay. He chuckles, sadly, as if your thinking it hurts him, and he is deadly serious when he tells you,

“Y/N, of course I will.” 

Somehow, though he’s the god of lies, you don’t doubt his words for an instant. You nod, and the nodding takes effort. Yet you are certain he understands what you mean. 

“So,” Says Loki, “Can you - Tell me about this?” 

You have to think, for a minute. Can you tell Loki about this? You know that he’s telling the truth, that he isn’t going to leave you. Still, you’ve never been this vulnerable with him before, not even in bed, and the fear in you won’t be put to rest so easily. You shake in his hold, and realize, with a frigid shock, how you must look to him - how badly you are hurting him, and how badly you’re hurting yourself, by keeping your feelings inside yourself and leaving your body to rot. You know, now, that Loki will  help you through this - that he will be there, kind touches skirting the bad days; warm, mischevious smirks smoothing the wrinkles of your persistent self-doubts. There was a time when you needed to do this - there will, probably, still be days when you feel like you need to do this, to get a firm hold over your life, and keep the jackals at bay. There are other words to keep yourself safe, though. Loki’s breath in the dark is more home to you than anything you’ve ever had, and his open waiting, here in the daylight, makes you brave enough to speak. 

“Maybe… Over lunch?” You offer. You bite your lip and hold out the query, a silky pearl in your hand. For one moment, Loki seems to consider; after all, he is the trickster, and a man not given to acting rashly, or stripping the drama from his complicated schemes. If this is a scheme, you think that you might forgive him - Later, when his lips are on your frame, when you’re there with him, again. His lips twitch into a grin so affectionate and proud that you know- you know - that if you seek proper care and really want to get better, you’ll get through the days that feel like walking on broken glass. You’ve done so much for me, that grin tells you. Let me do this for you.

He reaches out, and takes the pearl. You hardly recognize the man who rained hell down on New York, who snorts and jabs with sarcasm at every word that comes out of Iron Man’s mouth. 

“Breakfast?” He counters, shooting a pointed glance at the microwave clock. It is a dare and a promise - a challenge, but never a trick. It tastes like honey on your tongue. 

“Fine,” You say, “But you’ll have to cook.” Some kind of joy is creeping its way into you. Your voice, you find, barely trembles. 

“Midgardians,” Lok says, with an eye-roll - a friendly, loving glint in his eyes that refuses to fade. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who burns water.” The joke prods your tender, new understanding, reassures you that he is still Loki; that he isn’t going to treat you differently, like a child, just because you’re suffering. The smile comes full onto you, and you wriggle, stretching your arms over your head and yawning, exaggerated for effect to add to the banter. 

“I never said that I couldn’t cook,” You tell Loki, “Just wanted you to do it.” 

“Mm,” He says, “And what will you be doing, then, while I cook?” 

You chew at your lip, and choose to answer before your nerves make you panic. 

“Finding the right words,” You admit, laying the truth bare to him. 

His hands are wending through your hair now, and his lips are unberarably gentle on yours. He tastes like embers and ink. That sweet, slightly metalic tang that you’ve come to associate with his magic; cinnamon, tinged with steel. He kisses you for a second or two, before pulling away,  but you could live in those seconds - Unfold it, like a blanket, and let the care of it warm your thin, freezing bones, if Loki weren’t here to show you that, with the right help, you can learn how to do it yourself. 

“Finding the right words,” Loki muses, vaulting himself up to stand in a movement that’s unfairly graceful. “I’d much prefer yours, to be honest.” 

He holds a hand out, and you take it, letting him pull you up. The floor, underneath you, feels solid. The sun is coming through the clouds, and out there in the wide world you can hear bird-song, the low, sugared sway of the breeze. There is something else there, too: 

You let it wrap its tendrils around you, and you decide that it’s hope. 

#loki/reader #loki/female reader #established relationship #eating disorders #mental health struggles #not me writing 3k plus words of loki helping the reader come to terms with the fact that they can recover from their eating disorders #because that's what I wanted to have when I was going through it #soft loki #i mean seriously #yeah there's angst #BUT #also just an unrepentant amount of loki fluff #he says it in the fic but i'll mention it here too: #if you're going through anything like this #know that you don't have to do it alone! #and that not only is it okay to get professional help #it's a good and positive thing that can be a very important part of recovery! #you have so much love and support in your life #because you're a beautiful amazing strong person and it's NOT YOUR FAULT that you're struggling with a mental illness #fics mentioned in the beginning as inspirations for writing this(and the next couple oneshots I have lined up) include: #The 'Loki's Lullabies' series by kaoerin on AO3 #and the 'As You Are' series by hopeless_romantic_spoonie/yespolkadot_kitty #also on AO3 #if any of you are on tumblr i'm so sorry i don't know your url's #but y'all should go show these fics love

[youwontlikethisblog]

She's Ugly!

In a previous post I briefly touch on the subject of Armando and his belief of love. Here I will be going into more detail on my personal experiences as a writer who has written complex OC's with a very similar nature to that of Armando. I will be talking about some pretty heavy topics here so this is your warning if they make you uncomfortable or trigger you.

As a writer you spend most of your time doing research. You don't really spend it writing as more than 75% of the time is dedicated to researching the entirety of your story and it's characters. That means you research on mental health, social behaviors, addictions, learned behavior, coping mechanisms, ect... to create an authentic and realistic character.

When I was doing research for my OC, based on the past I wrote for them I had to look into the consequences that it carried into adulthood. I had to do a lot of research on coping mechanism and seggs addiction(I write really sad characters um but that's besides the point. Also try explaining your search history when you've got tabs and tabs about centers that deal with that addiction and so on).

[Below this I will talk about Seggsual Addiction and such. if it makes you uncomfortable skip to the next [RED]].

Doing that research I found out that many people who do have that addiction often use it as a form of escapism, control, or due to a lot more severe trauma. Sometimes it's just the feeling you get from that. Some have this addiction because of low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and also because it's something they can control, or at the very least in their denial stage they believe that they can.

Seggs Addiction is when someone cannot function without it. When it becomes a problem in that person's life and ruins friendships, relationships, and their professional life. It can range from content watching to actual action of the addiction. This is a serious problem as it often leaves the people feeling helpless, dirty, lowers the quality of life and they feel a lot of shame due to it and it's something that they need professional help to be able to control and overcome, just like drug addiction.

[Now I will be talking about Armando and why this relates to this breakdown. You may proceed.]

Do I believe Armando has that? Not necessarily. I am not a professional so I cannot diagnose someone with that. I just know a lot about the subject because I had to do research on the topic in the past.

Armando is a complex character. The reason I bring this up is because he does show traits of it. Do his affairs get in the way of his professional life? Somewhat. Does it ruin friendships? Yes. Does it ruin relationships? Yes, mainly his.

We know Armando has had an array of women in his life. He is desired by a lot of women(I seriously do however believe that Mario is a s. addict).

I've thought about this part of his character for a while. I really don't know what Fernando Gaitan researched or what inspired him to write Armando's character so this is really just my own personal speculation and is not a fact of the show.

From the start we are told that Armando is a man with refined taste and high standards for his women. The secretaries tells this to Betty, if I'm not mistaken Marcela mentioned it once, and Mario tells him all the time.

A poster here in the tag made a post about the situation of Mario and Aura Maria and they did a really good job at breaking down this side of Armando; that he doesn't have a refined taste or high standards for women but rather he doesn't like involving himself with women who are not in the same social statues and circles as him because of the abuse of power that it entitles.

When he told Mario he wanted to fire Claudia for being crazy Mario reminded him of what he told him when he wanted Armando to fire Aura Maria and because of that Armando decides not to personally fire Claudia, it wasn't until Marcela asked for her head that he asked Hugo to fire her.

Now let me step away from the story and explain why I have this speculation.

Armando's parents aren't very active in his life. They're only there when it comes to the company or his relationship with Marcela(I already talked about his parents in The Art of Subtly in YSBLF post) now imagine that as you're growing up. That your parents aren't actively in your life unless you're achieving or accomplishing something. We know Armando has a sister that doesn't talk to their parents and is only in contact with him. That their mother possibly ruined her marriage to a man because he was poor. This tells us that his parents aren't the best.

A child who grows up having to overcompensate and over achieve grows up with low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and other problems. They grow up believing that the only way they are worthy of love is by being perfect and they become obsessed with achieving perfection.

Due to this upbringing Armando is a control freak, neurotic, egocentric, and obsessed with perfection. He gets stressed out when things don't go his way. He has grown up in the fashion world and beauty has been fed to him that it is tall, thin, and above all has to be perfect.

A child is a product of their environment.

This has molded Armando into the person he is today.

On top of that Armando basically has his entire life planned out by his parents as a child who grew up hearing about the desire for him to be with Marcela to honor his parents best friends, for the good of the company, ect.

To receive his parents love he must do what his parents tell him, no exceptions. He must be the best at everything so he always aims high. In his proposal to be president he did exactly that.

Ironically Armando too is a people pleaser and feels like he has little to no control over his destiny.

So flings with Models become a form to cope. Though for a long time he enjoys those flings and what it entitles as it makes him feel good about himself, he is able to decide who he has a fling with but then it no longer is that.

My OC's addiction is driven by the desire of feeling wanted and needed. It boost her self-esteem though when it's over with she feels empty and hollow inside and we get a scene of Armando expressing those exact feelings to Mario the night he meets Ms. Colombia.

As they are leaving the cocktail Mario is upset that he[Armando] was leaving because he was so close to closing in on Ms. Colombia being his next conquest and that he couldn't change her for Marcela, who was always going to be there. Armando goes to explain something to him. He tells him that though at first he does get excited over the women and he does want to sleep with them that as soon as it's over he feels nothing anymore, that he doesn't enjoy it anymore.

This is part of a cycle and we see that.

Armando, before Betty, has the idea that if he falls in love it will be with a physically perfect woman who knows where she's standing and the only person that is like that is Marcela. He's got three reasons to marry her: He wanted her vote, his parents, and because she's what is mentioned above.

When Betty is introduce into his life she isn't what he expects in his dream woman. He expects perfection in a physical sense. However Betty has everything he wants in his dream woman in substance and personality.

He knows he likes Betty's personality but because she isn't physically perfect, he believes he isn't interested in her or attracted to her but because he likes her personality so much he believes he's entitled to her which is what drives his jealousy, it is not love.

Armando isn't in love with Betty here or at least not yet.

Betty embodies everything he wants and desires in a woman. She is humble, kind, respectful, unconditional, faithful, smart, like really smart and he likes that about her a lot, submissive and selfless.

However because the package isn't what he thinks is perfect, he cancels out. He denies that he likes her and he denies that he cares about her because of it.

So when Mario suggest for Armando to make Betty fall in love, Armando is apprehensive and disgusted by it.

Let's be honest, Betty isn't ugly! She's adorable! I will fight anyone who disagrees with this. Betty is cute and has always been cute.

I have spoken about Armando's emotional confusion a lot in the past few days but I haven't spoken about the mechanics of the confusion he is dealing with.

Denial is a strong defense mechanism. Subconsciously he has feelings for Betty and is attracted to her because of her personality but consciously he isn't. The mystery of the mind is never ending.

sub·con·scious /səbˈkänSHəs/

adjective of or concerning the part of the mind of which one is not fully aware but which influences one's actions and feelings. "my subconscious fear"

Armando's behavior towards finding out that Betty is in love has been dominated by his subconscious. However when it comes to facing those feelings he enters denial, therefore he cannot fathom the idea of ever being involved with someone so "ugly".

con·scious /ˈkän(t)SHəs/

adjective aware of and responding to one's surroundings; awake.

Armando is aware that Betty isn't his ideal of the type of women he is physically attracted to. He is aware the she isn't the standard of beauty.

Due to this he is refusing to listen to Mario.

Now that we understand this we can continue with the episode breakdown.

After Betty leaves, Armando is upset because Nicolas is the General Manager of Terra Moda(it feeds his paranoia talked about in the Betty, My Betty Part 3 post) .

Once again Armando and Mario switch roles. Armando is now aware of his conscious desires and he's sticking by them. Mario however is aware of Armando's subconscious desires.

Mario tries to level with him. He tells him that they can tell Betty to fire him but Armando rejects that by telling him that he does a good job and that Betty says he's important for Terra Moda, therefore Eco Moda, again this shows that Armando doesn't distrust of them in a professional sense. So they both agree that they shouldn't tell Betty to fire him. Mario first suggested that they reverse the seizure against Eco Moda and Armando goes on to reject that and explain why they can't do that. So Mario tells Armando that they need to think of something because it is a business deal involving them three; Armando, Himself, and Betty.

They agree that asking Betty to fire or take away so much responsibility from Nic could give way to Betty becoming hostile and resentful. Mario tells him that it would also be unfair since she's always been so unconditional with the both, Armando agrees.

We get to divides here. Two sides of the nickel.

Mario's priority and main concern is keeping Eco Moda and Armando as president for what it gives him.

Armando's priority is Betty's love life(Why else would he be so worried about her love life? A normal boss wouldn't care about your love life. Armando knows that Betty is a good and trustworthy employee and he said so himself).

Mario as always watched Armando carefully. The third and best option would have been to simply talk to Betty and be professionals and leave things alone and not doing anything about Betty's love life.

Mario tells Armando "Well the best option is to make Betty fall in love with you."

Armando goes on to say that he would never do that because he doesn't have the desire to and doesn't want to because Betty is ugly(this is why I said what I did above). Mario stops using the fear of losing Eco Moda and goes for the emotional because he knows that it will affect Armando's subconscious that will dominate him like it had been all day long.

"You're the perfect candidate because if it weren't for Nicolas showing up, I could have sworn she was in love with you. No, seriously, look at the way she looks at you, she's always been unconditional with you(he knows this is one of the qualities that Armando likes about Betty as he always lists it). My friend, if there's anyone that is capable of fighting against Nicolas Mora, it's the president of Eco Moda(here he is appealing to Armando's ego)."

What does Mario get out of all of this? Reputation in tact which allows him to continue living his best single life, which he said himself is his most prized possession. So it is important to him that Armando does whatever it takes to keep Betty from doing anything to get a husband(post Betty, My Betty! Part 3).

Fast forward Armando is in Marcela's apartment after the new collection launch and they're fighting because Armando let Betty into the event.

He not only defends his decision of inviting her as his guest but Betty's job and her role in the new collection. Marcela scoffs and they continue to argue.

What captured my attention though is that Armando tells Marcela that she can't be in a competing so absurd with a woman like Betty and shouldn't be in a feminine competition with her.

Armando is now go to the otherside of the room so we get his back as Marcela starts to speak ("You're wrong Armando I don't view her as a woman")and as she says "I am offended that you would think I feel she's a feminine competition-" Armando now looks at her confused.

Either he is confused because he doesn't understand what Marcela is trying to say or once again his subconscious is dominating him here.

The takeaway is that in Armando's mind Betty is a woman, ugly, but a woman nonetheless. He is confused as to why Marcela doesn't view her as a woman but still behaves the way she does.

We again get a classic scene of Betty writing in her diary as we hear her dialogue and get scenes of Armando in Marcela's bed.

We see Armando thinking about what Mario told him earlier that night.

When Mario told him that he would've sworm that Betty was in love with him[Armando] in that scene we didn't really get a reaction from him. He had a poke face but here, as he is thinking about it all he has a different look.

We stop getting a visual flashback, only an auditory one after Mario told him "I could've sworn she was in love with you." and the frame we're getting is Armando's face while laying in bed. He seems hopeful. The exact same expression he had when Betty told him that she didn't have anything with Nicolas.

We hear Mario's voice when he told him "If there's anyone who can fight Nicolas for Betty's love, it's the president of Eco Moda." Armando shifts in bed and covers his face. We then fade to Betty asleep on her bed and get another fade to Armando, this allows us to know that they are about to have another shared dream.

Armando is the mvp of this dream ss the camera focuses on him right away.

He seems happy in this dream as he runs around with Betty in a field with bright green grass and trees. He continues turns to look at Betty or allows Betty to lead him. Then in the dream Betty disappears and Armando is left alone, searching around him with a scared expression on his face until Betty finally appears in front of him. She nears him with her lips slightly puckered and Armando smiles and as well moves in closer until Betty runs away from him again.

The dreams shows us this two more times where Betty runs from him until the final time when Armando finds her and they near for a kiss we then get a real world Armando in bed shaking his head mumbling no, we can assume they are kissing in the dream.

This foretells what is to come. In Betty's eyes this is a good dream but we also know that due to her past Betty is afraid to love again which we're told this by her constant running away from Armando in the dream.

Armando's fear is brought to light in this dream that is of him losing Betty as it reoccurs more than once and each time he goes out to find her. There is times when he does want to kiss her but Betty pulls away and runs and then on the final one he becomes conscious in his dream(yes that happens, it's called lucid dreaming and sometimes it randomly happens).

The fact we kept getting fades from both Armando and Betty sleeping lets us know this was a dream simontainsly happening at the same time and it isn't until after they actually kiss that Armando's conscious starts to wake him up.

Marcela then finishes waking him up in the real world and asks Armando what he was dreaming, he tells her a horrible nightmare.

Again, Armando is aware that he doesn't find Betty to be his ideal perfect woman or the beauty standard. You know, she's "ugly" so having something physical even in a dream is a nightmare to him. The thing to take note of is that he was enjoying the beginning of that dream and it demonstrates his subconscious feelings.

We already Betty loved that dream.

The next morning Marcela mentions that if he doesn't talk about the dream he must secretly want it to come true.

His coping mechanism towards this entire situation has been denial. It protects him from having to face his true feelings and fears. It protects him from something he isn't ready to deal with yet.

He starts choking on his juice and coughing as Marcela watches him.

Marcela telling him this pushes him to face those fears of his, the fear that he does like Betty and that he does care about her more than just his employee however again, he is in denial therefore unable to understand this.

[You know I will write a post about how Aura Maria and Freddy are a parallel of Betty and Armando.]

Neither Betty or Armando talk about their dream to anyone, or at least the real content of said dream, which based on what Marcela insinuated, Armando secretly wants that dream to come true.

This is a fact because later on when Armando has that nightmare of Betty making out with Nicolas inside the new car they got, he tells Marcela about the nightmare or at least some distorted version of it, because he doesn't want that nightmare to come true. This time though he doesn't talk about it.

Betty clarifies the situation between Nicola and her roll in Terra Moda and Armando thanks her for it.

When she goes into her office Armando tells Mario that he's right about making Betty fall in love.

This next scene I already broke down in another post. Armando suggest Mario for the job because he knows that Mario would never fall in love with Betty but at least it would secure the company. However since Mario would never fall in love with Betty that would mean that he wouldn't have competition since you know these two pigs share everything.

Not only that but it would mean that he gets to avoid and deny his feelings without the worry of Nicolas and Betty ending up together and Nicolas turning her against him.

Armando tells Mario that he gets that it's the more logical thing that he[Armando] is the one to make Betty fall in love but that it's not morally correct.

He gets angry as he tells him that he can't do that to her, a woman who has been very special to him, too special towards him. Again this shows that Armando takes notice and likes that Betty treats him the way she does and because of that he doesn't want to hurt her and he knows that she doesn't deserve that.

However Mario then pulls the "your parents will be so disappointed and angry at you if you lose the company. So do you have to decide whether you'll be a rat to your parents or Betty."

As they discuss the sinister plan they solely based the problem in the physicality. As Armando even said himself the only bad thing about the plan was that Betty was ugly. If Betty wasn't ugly Armando wouldn't be afraid to face his feelings therefore be upfront about them.

However because she is it clashes with all his other traits. His ego, vanity, obsession with perfection and the fact he was unable to be in control over who he ends up falling in love with or liking.

I don't know what worse, Armando knowing how selfish the plan is against Betty and still going along with the it for the sake of the company and his unwillingness to admit to his parents that he was wrong or Mario knowing exactly what's going and how to manipulate Armando to do this and not caring about his best friends feelings and the guilt he will carry on as long as Armando remains president for his own greed.

In the next post I will breakdown the scene in which Armando drunkenly confesses somewhat his very confused feelings.

'Til next time :)

Ps. Sorry for all this typos! I'm an insomniac so I usually write these sleep deprived lol.

#armando mendoza #don armando #armando ysblf #beatriz pinzón solano #beatriz pinzon solano #betty la fea #betty ysblf #yo soy betty la fea #mario calderon #marcela valencia #betty pinzón solano

[sometimesrosy]

1) hey rosy. this is kinda late, but when S7 ended, I was so upset, I just compartmentalized and moved on. then a couple days ago, I just somehow saw a bellarke fanfic and I feel so very sad at how bellarke ended. maybe it's sad, but I truly have never seen a relationship like theirs in tv OR in real life. Built on so much reciprocal unconditional compassion, love, respect, support, and growth that flipped gender norms. it was so beautiful. it could've been the greatest love story.

2) I was so looking forward to them ending together in a beautiful way, and having a show to rewatch forever. but now, it's hard to rewatch any of it, knowing how it ends.just thinking of how the writers vilified clarke (how sexist was that, esp for a show that prided itself on being feminist) and completely erased bellamy, and just crushed both characters and a relationship they spent seasons building to be so complex and significant, reduced them to a joke, is so painful to me.

3) so I guess I have a few ?s for you. Q1: is it normal to feel this level of pain/hurt at something that's not even real?? Q2: are there any fanfics you can recommend where S7 is written so they end up together? Q3: I cannot fathom how JR was able to destroy his own creation. how do you make sense of it?? it makes me feel like he never actually saw the value in what he created that we all did. but I don't get how that's possible, given HE made it. Bellarke was truly a revolutionary relationshp.

+++

1. I think it’s normal. I also felt the same way as you did. Still do. When you’ve invested so much energy into a thing and then at the end, it just falls apart and there’s no catharsis, and it just overall fails? Why wouldn’t it hurt. Also it might be, in your subconscious, connected to the world and all it’s struggles. Pandemic. Political. Power. Racism. You know it’s a show about the apocalypse, and here we are smack dab in what seems like our own real life apocalypse. It’s not even symbolic. So I think it’s normal to maybe feel a little transference with the fictional show.

2. I am not good at giving recs. I just can’t remember the titles of what I read. And besides, I haven’t read fanfic in a couple of years (for a few reasons, some related to fandom and some related to my mental health and some related to my job ghostwriting.) HOWEVER, I can ask people if they have any good recs for S7 bellarke fics. Can y’all share, if you’re still around? People are still reading and people still care about bellarke. please and thank you.

3. Why did he gut his story? I have a few theories. I don’t think it was accidental. I don’t think he didn’t know how to finish his story. There was plenty of evidence that it was heading towards a bellarke ending in the narrative. And he was wrapping up the story through other subplots. Here’s my theory though. People on twitter cut and pasted stuff the last time I wrote this and completely misinterpreted what I was saying, and put me on JR’s side which is the farthest from the truth.

 I blame JR for being a little sellout bastard. I’ve always said that hollywood is dangerous because any show can sell out. I think he sold out. I think someone wanted an ending that did not empower ‘the revolution’ of liberal BIPOC and LGBTQ+ and other minorities that were represented by the delinquents our story was about.  And I think they offered him his new show if he made it so Clarke did NOT end up as the hero.  So he tanked his story in order to tell that other one. Anaconda. The way the story ended just was too similar to the beliefs of the religious far right, even down to the apocalypse and rapture being swept up into heaven where you’d get your reward... except Clarke didn’t because she was unworthy of heaven, even though the other murderers and villains were. ??? What makes Clarke special? She rebelled. She was bisexual. She was a woman who took power from tyrants. All things the right did not want to see. 

So why did he tank Bellarke? I think fandom was right. He was a vindictive man, like they said he was. And I think he hated the bellarke fandom for harassing him for five years. I mean, the bellarke fandom is very hatable. Not the whole fandom of course, but a big portion of it. A very LOUD portion of it, who demanded what they wanted and ignored it when they actually GOT what they wanted. I think he denied us Bellarke because he didn’t like the fans. For good reasons. So thanks to us... no not us. thanks to the Bellarke antis who bullied the cast and crew, JR took out his frustrations on the story and ruined Bellarke.

And then again, he screwed Bob over for taking time out. I think he had already given up on the show, and Bellarke, and Bob needing to take care of himself was the last straw, so he just fucking erased him. Same as he did Lincoln in season 3, although that story worked better as a narrative. He cared more about the story at that point and this time he just didn’t give a fuck anymore. He had already moved on.

I could never have done that because I love my stories and my characters, but he’s from hollywood and hollywood is full of assholes.

#the mess

[mcfiddlestan]

Fic Writer Questions

I'm bored and this was in a note on my phone from forever ago, so I must have been tagged at some point. Apologies to whoever tagged me. 🥴

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

52. Though, I used to have a few more. I deleted a few fics some years ago bc I hated that they were just sitting there unfinished. I was going through a particularly brutal bout of writer's block that affected both my fic writing and my RP writing.

2) What's your total AO3 word count?

720,782. And I was stressing about a 30-page thesis. 😂 (which ended up being over 15,000 words)

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

I started writing fic in 2000 with *NSYNC, Christina Aguilera, and Backstreet Boys fics. I stopped writing a bit around 2004-2007 (because of a stupid boy) and picked it up again in 2012 after reading some awesome Cherik fics and wanting to write my own FrostIron College AU when I read one that was good, but kind of disturbing. I think I write for one fandom -- Marvel -- but, like different factions of it. FrostIron and WinterFrost mostly, with a dash of Stucky, ThunderFrost, DashingFrost, and WinterIron.

4) What are your Top 5 fics by kudos?

Black Light Special (WinterFrost) - 628 kudos

Can I Bum A Ride? (WinterFrost) - 425 kudos

Empire State of Mind (FrostIrom) - 420 kudos

Dark Side (FrostIron) - 398 kudos

A Worthy Collection (FrostIron) - 309 kudos

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I really do make an effort to respond to every single comment, even the not-so-nice ones. I want people to know I've seen and read the comment they took the time to post, so even if I just thank them for reading and commenting, I respond.

6) What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Considering it features two -- count 'em, two! -- major character deaths, it's definitely Empire State of Mind. Though, I'd argue Dark Side is a pretty close second.

7) What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Probably Ghosts That We Knew. It was the final fic in the trilogy that is the Picture Perfect Series. It follows Loki and Tony from when they meet in college and ends 30+ years later.

8) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

No, not really. And I rarely, if ever, read them. There's no real reason behind it other than I've just never come upon one and thought "ooh I need to read that."

9) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. I got a lot of hateful messages after I completed Empire State of Mind. People were really angry at me for killing off two major characters. I mean, a lot of the messages were "omg I hate you but I loved this!" kind of vibe. But there were a few that cussed me out and called me names for writing it.

I had some chapters of a Fools Rush In FrostIron AU posted a while ago, in which Loki was a female, the only daughter in both the Odinson and Laufeyson families. Following the storyline of the Matthew Perry/Salma Hayek movie, Loki meets Tony Stark in a bar and gets pregnant from a one night stand. Anyway, I got a lot of messages telling me that Odin's misogyny and mistreatment of Loki was unrealistic -- even though I had literally modeled his behavior after the movie that inspired it. 🤷🏽

I have some prompts done for the 100 Ways to Say ILY writer's block challenge and for one of them, I borrowed the storyline from an episode of Will & Grace when Will's father dies of a heart attack after they have a bad argument where his father basically admits he wished Will wasn't gay so he could have had an easier life. In the epsiode, the fight starts because Will's parents gift his baby blanket to Grace, who is pregnant with her ex-husband's child. Will takes offense, they don't understand why bc he never mentioned wanting children, and a fight ensues. Similarly, in my fic, Frigga and Odin offer a pregnant Natasha (his BFF) Loki's blanket. Some readers did not like this and did not understand why I would write it. In another prompt, one that was literally how my last relationship ended, got some harsh critiques. Those ones hurt especially bc it was such a personal experience I wrote about.

And I actually got into a fight -- like a screaming match -- IRL with my best friend's boyfriend at the time. One of my bestie's friends asked about my fanfiction and I gave them the gist of one of my stories where Loki has a brief relationship with Sif that results in a child and later reconnects with Tony. Later on, Sif offers to be a surrogate for Tony and Loki and eventually births three more children for them. Bestie's boyfriend could not fathom why a woman would purposely get herself impregnated and then give the child away. I tried to explain that this was a thing that a lot of women did IRL -- and some don't even use their own eggs, but the eggs of a woman who cannot conceive; Sif used her own eggs so that all four children were half related (two by Loki, two by Tony). But he just did not believe me and told me I must not be a very good writer. Worst night of my life.

10) Do you write smut?

I was just telling @teadrinkingwolfgirl the other night how when I first started writing fic I did not write sex scenes. It was always inferred or glossed over. When I started writing again in 2012, for FrostIron, it was my first time writing more detailed sex. I cite Jackie Collins as my smut-writing mentor. I've written almost exclusively M/M smut.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Which is like the best thing ever! A couple of my older fics have been translated to Russian. I have one *NSYNC fic that was made into an audio fic. And someone recently messaged me on ff*net to ask to translate as many of my fics as they can to Spanish. :D

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, not technically. I've gotten a lot of prompts and ideas from friends and mutuals, and I started reformatting my WinterFrost RP with my ex from 2014-2015 into novel form a while ago. That's tecnically the only thing I've written with someone else and published.

14) What's your all time favorite ship?

I have two that will always, ALWAYS, have my heart and attention. FrostIron (Tony Stark/Loki) and WinterFrost (Bucky Barnes/Loki). They are the two ships that I write the most, read the most, and seek out fanart for the most.

15) What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Probably The Flame. It's a fic that starts out ThunderFrost (not related; Asgardian Prince Thor semi-rescues an imprisoned Jotun Prince Loki) but eventually ends up FrostIron. It's the only fic I've ever written that features Loki with both male and female biology. I have a few chapters done but I haven't worked on it in years.

16) What are your writing strengths?

I like to think I write realistic relationships. And I think my dialogue is also realistic and easy to grasp. And I put a lot of humor in between all the angst and hurt.

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

I think I get too detailed with background. I just reread my Picture Perfect series (which I do like once a year), and there are literal paragraphs of background that in Google Docs is like pages and pages. But I want to make sure people understand my characters! LOL

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I'm a big fan of it. I featured a lot of Norwegian in the Picture Perfect series. And French. I think as long as it flows with the storytelling and it's not forced on the characters it can be really cool. It should be natural. I always leave a translation list at the end of the chapter or explain in-text what was said. Which I think most authors I've read do.

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The Backstreet Boys. LOL. Don't judge. I started writing my own fics after discovering BSB fanfiction written by an author named Mistress Lynz. She wrote a lot of fics about bloodletting, but I really enjoyed the fics where the guys were hooking up with each other behind the scenes, LOL explains why I write mostly M/M now. 😂

20) What's your favorite fic you've written?

They're kind of like my babies so at different times different ones are my faves. But if I really had to pick one, I would say Stay With Me is my favorite. I got some of the most amazing comments on this story from people that found meaning and themes in the story that I didn't even realize I'd put in there. It was one of my first WinterFrost fics I'd posted and the response was more than I could have asked for.

And now I have to tag people! @teadrinkingwolfgirl @incredifishface @incubigirl @rabentochter @marvelswinterfrost and whoever else feels up to it.

xoxo

#fic writer meme #fic writer questions #all my fics #my writing #frostiron #winterfrost #stucky #thunderfrost #winteriron #dashingfrost

[marvelgeeklikestowrite]

I know this is a fandoms account but I was asked today a question in an interview about what drives you to advocate for women's rights and why really I am a feminist. So I wrote something that I want to share.

I am quite privileged to say that I have been born in a family where I never felt that my family did not want me, or ever said or shown through their actions that they wished the second child was a boy and not another girl. Even in my extended family, I have never been given taunts about my clothes or treated any less than my cousin brother. This is a privilege that not many of the girls around me have experienced. I have female friends who even after thinking of getting financially independent cannot fathom the thought of living their life on their own terms, who have male friends and cannot say this to their parents lest they think they are in a relationship with any of them. And this is coming from well-settled, educated families living in the capital city of our nation. One can just imagine what kind of rights the women living in the less developed parts of India and the whole world at may be denied. The freedom of saying no, the right of determining what kind of life they want to live, what clothes they want to wear, if they even want to get married or have a child. There are so many stigmas related to a woman’s decision relating to her life. If she wants to wear short clothes, have colored hair, more male friends than female ones, she is labelled as shameless. If she speaks her mind, raises her voice, she is outspoken and not in a good way, if she puts career before family, she is insensitive. Why is that women are expected to hand over the reigns of their choices to someone else? Before marriage- father, after marriage- husband and sons. Why is that we are the only ones expected to be quiet and make sacrifices so that our family, our relationships remain stable? You want to call out on a misogynistic family member or friend? Don’t, what if their feelings get hurt? What if they take offense? We cannot have that; it is better if you swallow up your dignity and listen to them while they encourage the backward and narrow- minded thoughts of a patriarchal society. I have heard husbands ask their wives why they want to work when they have everything they want at their disposal. I have heard women being called heartless for not wanting a child, women being told to just suck it up and take up the abuse because ‘Ek do thappad and gaali toh humne bhi sahai hai’ (one or two slaps and abusive words we also have tolerated). Women’s rights aren’t just writing some basic freedoms that should be available to every human being regardless of their gender, identity or caste, on a piece of paper and calling it a day. Women Rights are taking the next step forward of actually giving them the freedom and control over their mind and body, regardless of whether it hurts the fragile ego of the old society still singing praises of the yesteryears. It physically pains me when I see judgements of courts ordering a rape survivor to tie a rakhi to them, carry that man’s child to term or marry him. What drives me to advocate for women’s rights is the fact that there are people out there asking for the reason behind the need of doing more for women, thinking that our fight for equality is done, what drives me to advocate for women’s rights is every girl whose decisions and voices are not given equal importance.

Feminism is a concept that confuses a lot of people mainly because it is a movement for equality that starts with a word used for females and not males and that irks them. I am a feminist for every human being out there: female, male, non-binary and everyone. I am a feminist so that women going out late in the night do not fear for their safety, I am a feminist so that men who want to express their emotions but cannot because of the toxic masculinity prevalent in society, are able to do so freely, I am a feminist so that people of all sexes are treated equally. I am a feminist so that the females do not “belong” to anyone but are their own person, I am also a feminist so that when a boy gets hurt, he doesn’t have to hear the phrase “Men don’t feel pain”. I am a feminist so that when I say this sentence people do not counter me with “Oh, so you must hate men” or “You must be gay then” or “I am not a feminist but I believe in equality for all.” I am a feminist so that we are able to talk about the abuses and crimes against women and men without victim-blaming or shaming. I am a feminist because I believe that no matter how euphoric this idea of a world may sound, no matter how impossible this fight of changing the way people think, we can do this work and make it into a reality. I am a feminist for myself, because I want to see and experience the change that I fight to bring, not only because I want to build a better future for the coming generations but because I want to build a better society and future for myself to live in.

Please ignore any grammatical errors, this was fuelled by adrenaline

#feminist #women's rights #equality #why we need feminism #feminismisequality #personal experience #advocacy #need for equality

[tatiana-petrovna]

For the fanfiction writers ask: 16, 21, 34

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

• Smol x Tol is a requirement not a request

• Arranged marriage AU queen 👑

• No one else challenges me mentally or physically but you

• Bodyguard AU’s (bonus points if her parents are never around and she’s a Poor Little Rich Girl™️)

• We meet in our dreams AU

• Somehow I keep falling into another plane or realm and you only exist there and “we” only exist there and slowly I start to spend all my time and energy on being with you and completely losing my whole life in the “real world”

• Captive/Captor AU’s (think Briseis and Achilles but I’m not above a good old fashioned bank robbery gone tits up I’m an equal opportunity slut for Stockholm Syndrome)

• We had a past life together and we only remember flashes but the energy is still there between us and it’s undeniable - however, being together would completely dismantle our present day lives

• This can’t last and it’s not meant to, but I’ve been through a lot and you’re a very nice resting place for now

• I’m a brat, but vulnerable only with you. You’re an asshole, but soft only with me. I don’t hate anyone else but you. But I don’t love anyone else either.

• We’ve both been through trauma no one else understands so we don’t really know how to trust or love anyone else, but no one would ever be accepting of us being together (yes I meant to google Lucrezia and Cesare Borgia)

• Honestly, anything where the shtick is ‘we’re really not supposed to be doing this’ bonus points for sneaking around and loads of pining angst about it

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

I’m about to lose so many followers 🙈

#1 always - AEGON THE CONQUERER X RHAENYS TARGARYEN (ASOIAF)

Max x Audrey (Gossip Girl)

Sarah Cameron & Rafe Cameron (OBX) (yes I know they’re related no I don’t care)

Ciri x Geralt (The Witcher, more the video games and the books than the tv show)

Javier Peña (Narcos) x Helena (Narcos) x Santiago Garcia (Triple Frontier)

Robb x Sansa or Jon x Sansa or Robb x Jon x Sansa (ASOIAF) (who is GoT don’t know her)

Sookie Stackhouse x Jason Stackhouse (True Blood) (watch the first episode again and tell me I’m wrong lol)

Eric x Four (Divergent) (books not the movieverse)

Becca x Lucas (Banshee)

Cassie x Nate (Euphoria) (yes I know it wouldn’t work leave me alone) (all I’m saying is, Nate spent a lot of fucking energy trying to get McKay to NOT date Cassie and Nate would never have made Cassie get an abortion)

Mal x Evie (Descendants)

Elsa x Kristoff (Frozen)

Tink x Hook (Peter Pan universe - more the books than any of the movies) (in the second Peter Pan book she is literally lost to the group and found locked up in the captain’s quarters among Hook’s treasure on his ship don’t come for me Barrie shipped it too)

Freya x Freyr or Freya x Fenrir (Norse mythology)

Morgan x Arthur (Arthurian legend)

Lucifer x Eve or Lucifer x Lilith (biblical mythology NO I’m not talking about Lucifer the show lol I’ve never even watched it and I won’t)

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

From “Through the Lake”, a Grishaverse fic I wrote 5 years ago but never posted (Darkling x OFC)

They’ve begun travelling now. He likes to stay diplomatically relevant. Likes to be known to the kings and queens of lands beyond Ravka. Because the otkazat’sya Lantsov king is weak and stupid. She knows. She’s met him many times. And she met his father before him. She’s dined with their ambassadors and danced with their advisors (Shadow likes to show her off as his little relic. His little stolen child, kept as a pet the same way fairies of old would keep children from her world. It is also a very clear piece on the chess board. Look what I have. Look what she can do. Know your place).

“Lantsov is lucky anyone even continues to acknowledge him as king. If I were a queen, the only diplomat I would sit down with is you.” She’s known her Shadow a hundred years now. She cannot fathom why anyone still bows to the Lantsov king.

“Do I not treat you with all the adoration and reverence due a queen?” He asks in response, ignoring her statement for the moment. Though it strokes something warm and needy inside him to hear her say it.

They’re in Kerch. A disgustingly wealthy merchant’s villa is their home for the night. At his table they dined on sweet-buttered grouse and roasted kale and salted caramel cake.

The back of his ungloved finger traces her neck as she takes her jewelry off and lets her hair down. The touch flares her power with a shivering thrill of electricity. Unable to help herself, Jo flexes her abilities enough to let him know not to push her. The air in the room compresses for a moment until all sound is narrowed down, resting on the pin of a needle and ringing in his ears. Thirty seconds go by. Finally, she lets up and he has to grip the window sill as his lungs drag desperately for oxygen.

“What?” He half snarls, half chokes. Jo is shown more favor than anyone else at his court by far. He’s never lavished another with the same attention and devotion he pours over her. He’s never trusted anyone enough to allow them so close. But he’s careful to keep her loyalties where they belong. Uses her power to keep the other Grisha in check. To keep their eyes fixed with jealousy so they’ll never look upon her with love. So she has no other confessional but him. So she can never hold anything she knows to his throat. Even if she thought to overthrow him and seize power for herself, they would never follow her. They’d wear her bones first.

“You know what. Do not dare to play the victim with me.” They argue as if they’re married. And maybe in a way they are. Promises forever unbroken. Loyalty carried to the grave. Secrets pressed between them for centuries, that no one else could ever unfold.

Swallowing, he swipes away the blood dripping from his nose with the handkerchief in his pocket. Glances out the window, partly guilty and partly annoyed that the girl can even make him feel guilt.

“You know why I can’t let you stay.” They’ve been over this a hundred thousand times. He won’t have her for one lifetime when he needs her power for much longer than that. And perhaps, a part of him needs her to be hungry for him. To know she’s in Duluth salivating at the mouth to get back here. Perhaps he’s scared that if he gives her all she wants of him, of Ravka, she’ll have her fill and go back for good.

[threeletterslife]

Hey, I’ve been a silent fan (I’m sorry 🙈) for quite some time but I decided to message you today because I JUST FINISHED Tommorows another problem and I can’t fathom how someone could think of such a plot. I was absolutely mesmerized and fascinated. I have to say that you BLEW MY MIND. But I did have a few questions on it if you don’t mind answering them.

Firstly, why did Yn’s mom do that to her daughter? What was her motive in hiring all these people to just script things down and act it out? I can’t wrap my head around the storyline and the mother and all these people that YN trusted that just scripted out her life. It was really good 🥺🥰

Secondly, will YN ever tell Namjoon that she found out about the notebook? I mean if they talk it out won’t it be better? Maybe Namjoon loved her and cared for her all this time…

Thirdly, if this ever happened to you (God forbid) how would you feel? What would you do? And if you found love again and they also had a notebook then would you leave them or stay?

I’m so sorry if I’m confusing, I’m just so stupefied by your story and I literally cannot THINK PROPERLY because it was awesome, and great and fantastic and fabulous and magnificent and all the good adjectives in the dictionary. Thank you so much, for everything, really🥰

omg pls don't apologize for being a silent fan! we all have different ways to enjoy and process our favorite works, and if i do say so myself, i'm a pretty silent reader as well LOL

i also can't take all the credit in coming up with tap since it was inspired by the truman show (1998)! i rewatched that movie recently on a flight home from vacation and damn, it was much more well-directed than i remember LOL (especially for an older film)

and yes, i'd be very glad to answer your questions :)

1. it's implied very loosely that yn's mother was the main orchestrator of the journals, BUT this was also yn's theory (it doesn't have to be 100% true). if you watch the truman show, you see that a whole ass studio picked truman (an orphan) to star in their 24/7 live show. from there, they had camera directors, scriptwriters, actors who would play the important people in truman's life—although they're not marginally related to him at all. the only thing that differed from the truman show and tap was that in tap, the actors were given more precise scripts in the form of a black leather notebook. basically, yn thinks her mother orchestrated this whole thing because her script is the first one she read. however, there might be a high power above her so-called 'mother.' a director, perhaps, or an actual scriptwriter. and though none of this is written in tap, this is what i was thinking of when i wrote the fic! however, that doesn't mean it's the correct way to interpret it since i never explicitly state it. tap is supposed to be a ~mystery~ so i put most—if not all—things up for interpretation!

2. here's the thing. i wanna say that yes, she does eventually tell him about the notebook. but the answer will unfortunately be no. i don't think yn will take any more chances. her separation from jimin was hard. (i like to think that jimin genuinely cared for her.) but i'm not 100% sure that namjoon is as genuine, and yn is rightfully worried about that. the sad thing about tap is that yn has accepted it. she likes her controlled life. she likes namjoon. and she doesn't care that he might be following a script. because he fooled her into thinking he was genuine once and she believed it; she supposes that she can believe it a little longer (maybe forever). it's not easy to pick yourself up, leave your 'mother' and 'best friend' and 'co-workers' and 'boyfriend' to live in a completely new environment. i think yn is tired. she doesn't find the point in searching for the truth, which is pretty understandable too

3. well this is a very fucking good question. man, if this ever happened to me i would honestly be pretty pissed LOL. (and also be slightly amused that i wrote a whole ass FIC about my own situation??? fortune teller much?) i can be proactive if i want, but in this case, i feel like i won't do anything—or anything super reckless LOL. instead, i'd pretend that i didn't see the notebook at all. then i'd read it behind their backs and try to do the opposite of what they think i'm going to do. but i'm pretty sure that's gonna get tiring after a while. in a few years, i'll probably force myself to forget about the notebook and just live how i did before i found out. and let's say i had a partner and i dumped them bc of the notebook. if i found love again (and also found their notebook), i'd leave lmao. i have a no-nonsense rule in my dating/friend life and have no problem cutting off people i don't trust oop. if i broke up with my last s.o. because of the notebook and found out that my recent s.o. also has said notebook, it'd seem pretty stupid to me to continue the relationship for whatever reason 😭 also imagine not being able to hide a teeny notebook from me 🤨🤨 this is not a main character answer whatsoever LOL. but thank you so much for asking this question because it really made me think!

and thank you for leaving such great inquiries and kind feedback!! i'm honestly amazed at how much you enjoyed tap <3

#ask #anon #tomorrow's another problem #tap #even in the truman show some actors genuinely became attached to truman #it definitely happened in tap as well

[vamonumentlandscape]

Charlottesville Part 1: Monticello

Before heading home from Richmond, we took a slight detour to visit another iconic Virginia city. Charlottesville is a picturesque college town, rich with history and many sights to see. We began our trip at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello. With COVID-19 policies still in a transition phase, we ended up only getting Grounds and Gardens tickets. This gave us full access to the garden areas, the basement exhibits, the enslaved peoples tour (including the exhibit on Sally Hemmings), and the burial grounds. The only part of Monticello we did not get to fully experience was the home itself, but we think that gives us all the more reason to return in the near future!

Thomas Jefferson is a complicated figure. He is known as the Father of the Declaration and a beloved American President. He is also known as one of the most infamous hypocrites in American history. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” These are the words written in the Declaration of Independence that we have all been inspired by as American citizens. It is undeniable that the revolutionary principles our founding fathers believed in created a nation today like no other. The ideas of a country free from the oppression of the “divine” monarchy, the belief that a democracy could thrive by the people and for the people, and the use of enlightenment principles to create an entirely new government is something we owe to our forefathers. We do not believe in discrediting men like Jefferson who had one of the greatest impacts on American history, but we believe that the whole story should be told. Literally and figuratively, no one should be allowed to be put on a pedestal without the full truth being unveiled. There is a fine line between patriotism and nationalism as we have seen in the years our country has developed. The man who helped create our fine nation was also the owner of slaves, a man who struggled with debt, and one who pushed Native Americans out of their own homeland. Again, our country would not be what it is today without men like Jefferson, but his full story deserves to be told.

Before the Slavery at Monticello tour, we decided to do a quick walkthrough of the basement level of Jefferson’s home. As a trained architect, Thomas Jefferson developed spaces for the main kitchen, a beer and wine cellar, an ice house, and more. We were fascinated to see the pulley system utilized in the beer and wine cellars to transfer goods up to the main parts of the home. It is important to note that the comfortable lives that the Jefferson family was able to live relied on the exploitation of enslaved labor. All spaces on this level have been converted into exhibitions and inform audiences of the people that worked within. Families that were featured included Hemmings, Gillette, Hern, and more. In truth, Jefferson was quite hypocritical when he wrote that “all men are created equal.” When we got to the far end of the house, we followed the crowd that gathered around three exhibition boards and a small room showing a short film. After the death of his wife, Martha, and upon his return to Virginia from France, Thomas Jefferson brought back Sally Hemings to Monticello. She was previously a “maid-servant” for his younger daughter, Maria. Hemings became pregnant soon after this return and it is almost certain that Thomas Jefferson, who owned hundreds of slaves, was the father. The title of “concubine” that was bestowed on Hemings is dehumanizing and limits any historical interpretation of her. They would have a total of four children together. Jefferson only freed a total of 7 enslaved people and they were all members of the Hemings family. However, Sally was never legally free after he had “given her time” upon dying. We highly recommend viewing The Life of Sally Hemings exhibit if visiting Monticello. It may make you question the legacy of Thomas Jefferson learned in schools around the country.

607. Over Jefferson’s lifetime, he owned 607 people. Our tour guide immediately gave us this number when we began our tour. After walking through the grounds and the basement, we began the Slavery at Monticello tour. Starting on Mulberry Row, which is named after the types of trees that line the dirt road, we saw small cabins and plots where these cabins sat. These were the homes of the enslaved people at Monticello. The one room cabins could not have been bigger than 12x12. With dirt floors, one stove, one bed, and a loft above that had extremely low ceilings, these cabins could have held anywhere from two to twelve people. Since many enslaved people had numerous children, the cabins were usually tight spaces. On the wall of the recreated cabin visitors could walk in to see a plaque that read “Not so bad?” Some people who have entered these small, nearly inhospitable spaces have made similar remarks, so Monticello has gone out of their way to ensure people know it was that bad. Enslaved families faced constant struggles like violence, separation, dehumanization from their “masters’, and much more that we cannot fathom. Moving forward in the tour, we had a fantastic guide who had been there for over fifteen years. She explained to us many parts and pieces of Mulberry Row and stories of those who lived there. “Sunup to sun down, six days a week,” she said, “Only small provisions were given each week per person to survive on, otherwise they had to find time outside of their work to grow more food.” She explained to us more of the personal stories as we went along. Jefferson owned a nailry, but the small working parts of the way nails were made required small people and small hands. Jefferson enslaved young boys from 7 to 14 to do this work. Once they had gotten too big to work for him the boys would be moved to other jobs on the plantation (also known as a labor camp) like carpentry, field work, or domestic works. Stories began to be more intimate as we went along as she told us more about the Hemmings family and the enslaved young man who attempted to free himself without success, James Hubbard. The personal stories they are able to tell are made possible through the research that the foundation has taken on, but more importantly come about from the stories of the Monticello enslaved. Without the help of descendents, our tour guide told us that they would not have been able to know half of the stories that they do. To conclude our tour, we asked our guide how things had changed with the tours she had given over the past 15 years at Monticello. “When I first started, the Sally Hemmings story was told much differently. We would have to say ‘there is a high probability that Jefferson is related to Hemmings’ to avoid scrutiny, instead of now where we definitively say ‘Jefferson fathered Sally Hemmings children.’ Also before being called Mulberry Row and the Slavery at Monticello Tour, it was the ‘Plantation Community.’” A lot of things have changed to tell the whole story at Monticello and it is encouraging to us all in seeing that both sides of Jefferson are presented equally.

Similar to other historical homes that had enslaved workers, there is a separate cemetery that was used for those that were white members of the Jefferson family. We had to ask a staff member if they could direct us to the small burial ground, and they were kind enough to oblige. We were able to see roughly 50 cross markers within a gated location in the middle of the parking lot. The markers were unnamed. We saw the toll that enslavement took on those at Monticello. Most of their lives were likely spent working for no pay with their basic human rights stripped away from them. There is ongoing work in and around the area of Charlottesville to find if there are other human remains of those that were forced to work for the Jefferson family. Unfortunately, the grave of Sally Hemings has yet to be found, but we are hopeful that this discovery will be made in the years to come. Thomas Jefferson is undoubtedly a very complicated figure in our history. Our visit to the African-American cemetery that followed the Slavery at Monticello tour was essential in understanding why historians continue to debate his legacy.

#monticello #history #virginia #thomas jefferson #charlottesville #enslaved #monument

[wehavethoughts]

How to Write an Autobiographical Novel Review!

How to Write an Autobiographical Novel by Alexander Chee

Publisher: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

Publication date: 04/17/2018

ISBN-10: 1328764524

Print length: 289 pages

Website 

Rating: 5/5 Hotteok’s

Summary: How to Write an Autobiographical Novel is an essay collection by Alexander Chee. He shares life events ranging from his teen years to current life: growing up as a biracial person in Korea and in the U.S., working as an activist in the LGBTQ community in San Francisco, struggling to make ends meet as a young writer, publishing his first book and much more.

Content Warnings for How to Write an Autobiographical Novel: the author shares his childhood sexual trauma and discriminations that he faced as a gay man.

Alexander Chee is a Korean American queer writer who has written the novels Edinburgh and The Queen of the Night (both of which I haven’t read yet but are definitely on my To-Be-Read list). I had heard about him through other Korean American writers, who all described him as a generous, kind-hearted, and talented author, colleague, and mentor. Of course, I do not know him personally, but through the small aspects of his life and thoughts that he shares through social media platforms, I could understand what they might mean. For example, I was finding warm joys watching his tiny kitchen scrap gardens grow.

So I finally set aside some time to read his essay collection, How to Write an Autobiographical Novel. It was in May 2020, two months into the COVID-19 lockdown in the U.S. Looking back, little did I know that the pandemic would keep me in isolation for the entire year, but back then I was already pretty devastated and shattered from helplessly watching the life I had envisioned for 2020 disappear right in front of my eyes. I was in search of a voice that could be with me through those dark days. Not something grand that could fix the state I was in, but something that could simply just sit with me. And I cautiously thought Chee’s words might be that.

The title of the book may make you think that this is a book with tips, guidance, and tutorials on how to write one's autobiographical novel. However, it is not that. It is a collection of essays with autobiographical events with the author's thoughts and insights on his personal life, as well as his nation's political events. Though, a short essay with the same title is included in the collection, which almost reads like a poem about the experience of writing an autobiographical novel.

In this collection, he writes honestly and beautifully about his life experiences, ranging from his stay in Mexico as a young gay man (“The Curse”), Taro-reading in college while trying to navigate through the grief from his father’s death (“The Querent”), his writing class with Annie Dillard at Wesleyan (“The Writing Life”), and cater-waiting for William F. Buckley, who had written an op-ed advocating “for the tattooing of people with AIDS on their buttocks and wrists” (“Mr. and Mrs. B”).

Each essay left me so overwhelmingly emotional that I had to take a break, especially the essay “1989”. In it, he shares the story about his participation in the march in San Francisco “to block traffic to protest government inaction in the face of the AIDS epidemic” on October 6, 1989. He ends the essay describing how he was standing at an ambulance with his unconscious and injured friend. He was told to put his hand on the ambulance so the police won’t arrest him. He writes: 

“I stand there, my hand on the ambulance, and a television news crew arrives and asks me to describe what I’ve seen. As I tell the story, I keep my hand on the ambulance the entire time. After they leave, I think about how, up to now, I have thought that I lived in a different country from this. But this is the country I live in, I tell myself, feeling the metal against my fingers. This is the country I live in.” 

Through his powerful storytelling, I almost felt like I could feel the metal too, as I read that last paragraph over and over again. Going through the unbelievable pain and grief at the end of May this year in this nation, I kept thinking about this essay. Tony Morrison wrote in 2015 that difficult times are precisely “when artists go to work... We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal.” ("No Place for Self-Pity, No Room for Fear,” The Nation, March 23, 2015) There is still so much grief, and so much work to be done, but I’m grateful that those like Chee will be with us through their writing as we move toward healing.

In an interview with Subway Book Review, Chee mentioned that during this pandemic, he is holding onto words from authors who have gone through difficult times and picked East Goes West as the book he was relating to. (East Goes West is written by the first Korean American novelist, Younghill Kang. You can read more about Chee’s thoughts on East Goes West here.) To me, Chee’s How to Write an Autobiographical Novel was that book. If you are looking for a book that can help you navigate your own feelings, especially after this strange, lonely, and challenging year, I would highly recommend this book.

tldr: The author Roxane Gay writes on Goodreviews that this book is “nuanced, sophisticated, intelligent, intimate, sincere essays about writing, identity, and being alive” and I cannot agree more.

p.s. I have also read good reviews about the audiobook version narrated by Daniel K. Isaac. I will definitely be checking it out, too!

p.p.s. Here is another excerpt from the book. In the essay “Girl” he talks about Halloween in 1990 when he spent the night wearing makeup, a shoulder-length blond wig, a black turtleneck and leggings. Attaching as a postscript as I cannot fathom any words to accompany it, but would just like anybody reading this to feel all the feelings as I did.

“In this moment, the confusion of my whole life has receded. No one will ask me if I am white or Asian. No one will ask me if I am a man or a woman. No one will ask me why I love men. For a moment, I want Fred to stay a man all night. There is nothing brave in this: any man and woman can walk together, in love and unharassed in this country, in this world—and for a moment, I just want to be his overly made-up girlfriend all night. I want him to be my quiet, strong man. I want to hold his hand all night and have it be only that; not political, not dangerous, just that.”

#CoreaMod #book review #essay review #non-fiction review #Korean American author #queer author #How to Write an Autobiographical Novel #Alexander Chee #activism #LGBTQ experiences #reviewblr

[celosiaa]

(mental health/past suicidal tendencies tw) connor!! found myself thinking about kmart emma and timsash seb+molly mental health conversations like... martin and tim having canonically been varying degrees of very suicidal, martin’s other/related mental health issues, jon’s self destructive/very implied suicidal tendencies... feel like mental health conversations between parents and kids r so important and the gang would have a lot to try to explain/talk about/empathize with yknow?

CW mental health, suicidality

(thank you for putting the tw at the top!! I really appreciate that!)

Absolutely, these conversations are really really important. I like to think that all of them have gone to therapy for several years by the point that they feel ready to adopt children--and hopefully have talked to their therapists about how best to talk about these things with them. What I wrote here definitely isn’t comprehensive, but think of it as...highlights, I suppose!

To Jon and Martin (especially Martin), it’s incredibly important to try to be open when explaining why sometimes Dad can’t get out of bed, or why he has to take this medicine, or why Baba is shaking like that. Because if they are open with her, they can feel more confident that she would come to them if she started noticing symptoms like this in herself. And I think she does. Though of course, neither kids nor parents are perfect--there are moments I think that Emma will feel resentful about these things, and Jon and Martin will not do their best to have open conversations--but it is the effort that counts most, in the end.

With Tim and Sasha, I think they went into adopting siblings with the mindset that they will absolutely get these kids into therapy as soon as they come home with them. Because they cannot even really fathom the depths of what they have gone through. I think Tim really tries to relate to Molly’s anger and overprotectiveness as consequences of trauma, and she shuts him out at first--but eventually she learns to trust him, and maybe even lets herself be understood. And again, I think they try to do the same thing as JM, and create an environment where they are open about their own issues, as well as actively asking after the mental health of their kids.

#emma #hcs #asks #cw mental health #cw suicidality

[little-panem]

i’ve finally read cdth and i wanna talk about it !

ok, so

i really thought i wasn’t gonna like it as much as TRC but i like it mORE how is that even possible??????? the story is so captivating, it has such goooood rhythm, the new characters are all so amazing and interesting and easy to connect to!!! dECLAN!!!!!!!!!!!

first of all we get the perspective of the other side??? which is... interesting... like ok, we’re really biased cause we know and love Ronan and obviously we want all good things for him, but this is a group of ppl who have been told (by a lot of other ppl who can do insane things) that the world is gonna end, so of course they want to stop it!! i get them, i would too!!! and even tho i sometimes don’t like Carmen i get to connect with her and understand what moves her and why she’s the way she is. and Lilliana??? i’ll probs get to ship it, but i need mor intel

Adam my baby boy I’m so glad he’s in freaking hARVARD living his best life, getting a fresh start, one where he can be whomever he wants to! and i had already spoiled my self about his scenes with Ronan but my goodness were they good!!! i’m really happy he0s happy, tho that ending has me worried af...

speaking of the end: last night i realized TRB ends in a crazy situation in a magical forest and CDTH ends in a crazy situation in a less magical forest but a forest nonetheless, but this time, the one making the bargain is Ronan instead of Adam

Roro boy has grown up sO much i almost can’t believe it... when he’s chasing the car with Mór Ó Corra and the Niall copy he alone restrains himself in traffic like a rational adult cause he has realized he can’t be a crazyhead????? literal proud tears on my eyes. it’s just i’m really proud of him and how he’s maturing and i love him a great deal and need him not to die

on another note: i really hope we get to see Blue and Gansey boy but book one happened in what? 2 weeks?? i have no idea how the next 2 are gonna play out, but they still have 6 months left of road trip...

Mattie baby i obviously love you cause it’s impossible not to, and i expect big things to come out of him on the next two books

the big bIG surprise here was our lord and savior Declan Lynch!!! from TRC i knew Ronan was not a reliable narrator when it came to his bruv buttttt i hadn’t even fathomed Declan being so great! the poor kid is my age and has to take antacids cause all the stress he inherited he’s so freaking relatable... and ever since i found out about his not-so-boring-shoes i’m kind of obsessed with dressing shoes!!! every time i go out i can only look for the pretties shoes and imagine them on Declan even tho i cannot exactly picture him in my head. all his world has gone to crumbs and it’s not even his fault but he doesn’t know that so i guess next book he’s gonna do a lot of thinking and honestly i just want him to be happy and stop torturing himself and maybe just tell Niall fucking Lynch to go fuck himself a little more

and his relationship with Jordan????????? i love Blue and Gansey, but i never ever thought nothing Maggie wrote (or anyone else really) could make me feel like Pynch does, but these two????? when they get nervous around each other I get nervous too!! i sometimes have to close the book after one of their scenes and take it all in for a while... it’s just... their relationship is just about connection, no interests behind, no nothing, they just click!! and our friend Margaret here inserting some of her passions (like she always does, that’s part of why her stories work so well, essentially Ronan!) and specially art just had me sCREAMING i seriously couldn’t take it!!! and i am now a very serious lover of John Singer Sargent’s painting, so thanks for that too

Jordan and Hennessy and Hennessy and Jordan, Jordan Hennessy... it’s not even major Orphan Black vibes or anything cause they are not clones, just pretend to be, but it still dazzles me. both of them are so freaking good i literally just forget one is a copy of the other! i don’t really have much to say about them cause i still don’t know them enough, just that i like what i see and their relationship to Ronan and Declan and i hope they develop one with Matthew too, which i guess will happen cause i mean that kid’s a charm

and the Visionaries have me intrigued but now that i know about them i don’t understand why back in November when the book was released some ppl were excited maybe Adam was one of them!! i reaaaally hope he isn’t and he’s just a weird kid connected to the universe or whatever cause him being a Visionary would cause him so much pain and we all know he’d choose to turn the visions inwards and thus kill himself than let other be harmed, so please: no

all in all, pretty fantastic book if you ask me. 100/10 would recommend. i don’t know if i enjoyed it so much because it’s really so good or because i missed the kids or because i already know the gist of it all and it’s not so hard to grasp, but whatever it is i don’t really care and cannot wait for the next to come

#this commentary is nooot what i had in mind but i don't know how else to put it #if someone wants to scream about it my inbox is so open #cdth #call down the hawk

[reinvent-and-believe]

Fic asks!! How about 4, 10, and 18! (I can't resist asking about #18, I always love hearing about a writer's favorite thing that they've written! 😊 )

ALLIE!!!! Thanks for playing friend 🥰

4. Do you outline before you start writing? If so, how far do you stray from that outline?

I very rarely make a true outline. A lot of my WIP docs start with a really informal paragraph where I lay out things like the basic plot, main ideas, overall mood, and then I work from there. Things shift and change once I start writing, but I have that as a reference, a touchstone.

The exception is from within this gaping wound of ours. Initially I’d planned for it to be a oneshot, but as it grew into a multichapter fic I built a basic outline to help me with pacing more than anything.

10. Do you enjoy writing dialogue, exposition, or plot the most?

Oooh. This is a tough question. I really love writing exposition; it’s a challenge, because you don’t want to become boring, you don’t want to inundate the reader, but it’s so crucial in grounding them in the world of the fic. And it’s such a great tool for exploring the characters. A well-placed piece of exposition can shed so much light on why a character is behaving or speaking a certain way, provide so much insight. I think that’s cool.

But there’s nothing like nailing a piece of dialogue. I hesitate to say that’s what I enjoy the most, because it can be grueling and sometimes the words you write sound nothing like the character so you’re rewriting the same dumb sentence for half an hour, but when it’s right, when it clicks and you can hear it in their voice, that is just the most satisfying feeling. That’s a high.

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

Ahh okay here we go. This is from you try so loud to love me (i cannot seems to hear):

If he were a man, it would be simple. He feels the way his pulse quickens to nearly human speeds around the bard: when he’s inside him, yes, but also sometimes when Jaskier fixes him with one of his devastating smiles, when he hears a particularly stunning line in one of those quiet songs at sunset. If he were a man, he would know what to give, would know how to take him in his arms without that buzzing in the back of his mind, that tightening in his throat.

But he’s a witcher, a vile abomination created of magic and cruelty. He knows monsters and killing, silver and steel, coin and drink and the cold hard earth beneath him, stones and sharper curses volleyed at him as he leaves town after town. There are no words for soft things, for the strange crinkling around the bard’s eyes as he catches Geralt’s glance while he’s singing in a tavern, for the gentle gasps he lives to hear when he renders the bard speechless beneath his tongue, for the tiny smile that crooks the corner of those warm red lips as he falls asleep sated, relaxed, with an arm tossed casually over the witcher’s chest. 

Geralt knows it’s a fair question, knows Jaskier deserves an answer, but he has none so he answers in the only language available to him. He gently untangles them but maintains the connection of constant touch, pulling Jaskier carefully to sit at the edge of the bed, and he sinks to his knees before the trembling bard like a devout man before an altar, praying that his offering of pleasure is enough, knowing that it isn’t.

So, this fic was something that I wrote on accident when I was in the middle of writing from within this gaping wound of ours; I was trying to work out what exactly the dynamic had been between Geralt and Jaskier before Yennefer came into the picture. 

When I was pondering it, I had the thought of Jaskier asking Geralt “what are we?” after years of hooking up but never talking about it, and then I wrote this passage, which ended up growing into a oneshot in its own right. It was the first thing I’d written from Geralt’s POV and it’s what made me fall absolutely in love with writing him. Geralt’s witcher-related angst is one of my favorite topics to explore with him, his deep-rooted feeling of otherness and disconnection. It’s also all totally trauma-based; at this point, Geralt is so scarred not only by his time in Kaer Morhen but his time on the Path, by Blaviken, by being the butcher; all of these things have fed so deeply into his complete lack of self-worth that he can’t fathom being worthy of the love Jaskier keeps trying to give him.

This was also a nice first foray into these kind of love-language themes with Geralt not being able to access the language for what he’s experiencing but trying to communicate it, with varying degrees of success, through physical touch and acts of service. (Acts of service particularly seems relevant for him when it comes to sex, him trying to provide this “offering of pleasure” because he can’t give Jaskier what he knows he wants to hear. That idea of Geralt viewing sex as transactional even when Jaskier’s trying to love him is also something I’m really interested in.) 

So yeah, this passage made me fall in love with projecting onto writing Geralt and explored a lot of the main themes I frequently writing about in terms of their relationship. Also I like the writing. The line “he sinks to his knees before the trembling bard like a devout man before an altar, praying that his offering of pleasure is enough, knowing that it isn’t” is something I’m still pretty proud of. What can I say, I’m an ex-Christian, I live for that blend of religious and sexual imagery ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Thanks love! 💜💜💜

#ask games #asks #norationalthoughtrequired