#during a low like manic/bipolar episode | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

koolades-world · 3 months

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Can i ask For hc with BPD! Mc?:3

hi!! of course :)

please let me know how I did since I didn't know too much about bpd until I did research in preparation for this request. don't hesitate to tell me if something is wrong or inaccurate since the last thing I want is to be insensitive by accident

enjoy!!

Mc with Bipolar Disorder

Lucifer

his office is always open to you if you need silence or a place to get away

makes any accommodations you need at RAD

he himself experiences insomnia so if you're ever awake really late you can stay up together

while he often watches from a distance, he doesn't hesitate to act if you need something even if its a large or last minute request

Mammon

considering how poor his spending habits are, he understands you if you have poor impulse control to an extent

if you want them, he wouldn't mind sharing tips on how he manages himself

he also understands the urge to turn your life around at three am and then never complete the first task

will be by your side no matter what! <3

Levi

he lets you know often you can lean on him for support whenever you need

during a depressive episode, he's going to help you through it

you've helped him so many times when he thought nobody else would so he knows its time to return the favor

whatever you need, he's going to get it for you

Satan

like mammon, he somewhat understands to an extent

his rage can be random and onset quickly

since you arrived in the Devildom, he felt like he's changed for the better, and is by your side when ever you need it

embraces you for you since you did that for him, and wants to return the favor

Asmo

always checks up on you, whether you're doing good or not

maintains good communication with you and ensure you are able to speak to everyone you're close to often

if you're not feeling up to it, he helps you out with your self care and hygiene

he offers free hugs all the time so feel free to take him up on his offer <3

Beel

if you have a lack of appetite, at first, he didn't know exactly what to do

instead of forcing you to eat, he decides to bring you your favorites

he know everything isn't sunshine and rainbows and will be with you through your highs and lows

during manic episodes, he's the best to have by your side as he's so patient and cares about you

Belphie

while he himself experiences extreme lethargy, he can't help but grow concerned when you join him

when you accidently wake him up in the middle of the night with a new hobby you've started, he's not bothered

he's always willing to lend you a listening ear

if you need something, just say the word

#obey me #obey me!#obey me satan #obey me x reader #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me levi #obey me lucifer #obey me belphie #obey me mammon #omswd #obey me shall we date #obey me mc

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mchib · 2 months

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‘We need more bipolar characters’

YOU COULDBNT EVEN HANDLE HIM

first of all i think this is common knowledge but he exhibits a complex and erratic personality which i think could potentially be interpreted as symptom of bipolar disorder - bipolar is a characterized by extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania) and lows (depression) - throughout the series and manga (i think the manga shows this better) mellos behavior fluctuates dramatically displaying periods of intense energy impulsivity and irritability which align with manic episodes,,. - in the manga mellos depicted as ambitious driven and sometimes reckless in his pursuit of catching Kira. he has a chronic case of impulsive decision making such as kidnapping poeple and hijacking a character showcases a lack of regard for consequences which is a hallmark trait of manic behavior - i also think mellos extreme emotional responses ranging from fits of rage to moments of despair mirror the intense mood swings characteristic of bipolar disorder. he also struggles with self esteem and identity also point towards bipolar disorder... individuals with bipolar disorder often experience fluctuations in self esteem oscillating between grandiosity during manic episodes and profound self doubt during depressive episodes - mellos constant comparison to near (who he he and only he sees as his rival) and his need to prove himself could stem from underlying insecurities exacerbated by his mood swings

him developing bipolar could totally be a normal trauma response from literally a lot of abuse that he has faced, most of the main characters from wammys house show no signs of like rebellion or outlandish behavior like he does but that doesnt necessarily mean that nothing happened and i think the author gave characters such as near and the other orphans way too much mental fortitude. bipolar can be developed at any age and its especially common between ages 15-19. not to mention other than it being genetic, theres a huge link between bipolar and childhood trauma. like imagine being groomed your whole childhood into this competitive environment with other 4 year olds to be the smartest toddler so u can substitute this crazy genius when he dies. and think of it like come on theres no chance all of these kids desperately wanted to be detectives when they grew up there was definitely like some sort of foul play. L is an exception obviously since the orphanage became abusive after he came and he was treated like a king basically while the other orphans mental state was completely disregarded because they were only brought in from several corners of the world solely to be his successor. in fact the first generation orphans were literally expected to kill themselves because of the pressure and A killing himself literally was not a shock at all to the orphanage in fact i suspect that a lot of the first generation orphans made to succeed L had a horrible mental state and also killed themselves which if you think about it B (which stood for backup) losing his mind was completely normal even if the way he went about challenging L was not. not to mention how he had to live with shinigami eyes but thats for another post lolol.,,, anyways yeah mello's behavior is actually justified when you think about how much of an abusive household he lived in even if its kind of obvious that the author disregarded coming up with an explanation for the orphans mental wellbeing and how it would have affected their adolescence except from the character of mello and even when they show mello they basically make him seem insane and watari like an angel . reading the la bb murder cases from mello's perspective really opened my eyes to like how it actually was in wammys house u can really understand it from his tone and stuff also with that one page hold on lemme find it

'but what if they could copy him? what if they could make a backup? that was us. L's children, gathered from all corners of the world. children gathered together, never told each other's names. but even for a genuis like watari, creating a fake L was easier said than done. even for near and i, who were said to be the closest to L... the more we tried to be like him, the closer we got, the farther away he was, like chasing a mirage. so i hardly need to tell you what it was like when wammy's house was first founded, when he was still experimenting. the first child, A, was unable to handle the pressure of living up to L and took his own life, and the second child, beyond birthday, was brilliand and deviant. B stood for Backup.'

'L was the goal of everyone in wammys house. everyone one of us wanted to surpass him. to step over him. to step on him. M did, N did and B did. M as a challenger, N as a successor. B as a criminal.'

sorry for my complete lack of spelling punctuation and grammar but i think i got my point across and also big thanks to @monards who helped me finish this draft by giving me the energy to continue and also encouraging my crippling death note addiction by feeding into it with questions and remarks like 'woah!' and 'eureka!'

#death note rant for my three followers :33 #i feel like i made sense #to some extent #i had to scroll on pinterest for a while to find a picture of mello where he doesnt look like hes a crack baby #why does he look like he was rolled around in 🌿 in his infancy #i love my wammy house kids #crack theory #crepe tag #death note #labb murder cases #beyond birthday #l lawliet #miheal keehl #mail jeevas #nate river

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kazcreates · 25 days

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Once again asking for your head canons of BPD Kaz and Bipolar Jesper

i honestly love your headcanons for these characters /gen

BPD Kaz who has extreme mood swings. He can go from content and friendly, to cold and angry in a matter of seconds, over the slightest triggers. Gets better at regulating those extreme emotions over time. He has a very strong fear of abandonment, what with losing his mother at a young age, then his father when he was eight, then Jordie. Didn’t really have a chance to develop a good attachment style. He has a tendency to push people away, despite wanting them to stay. Inej leaving to fulfill her purpose was probably one of the hardest things ever and it’s difficult for him to remember/trust that she’s going to come back every time she leaves. His self-esteem fluctuates a lot but it’s usually on the lower end, and he has a tendency of splitting on himself. Thankfully, Jesper is usually there to comfort him through just his general presence and through their Soulbond.

Bipolar Jesper who has more highs than lows. Impulse spending and the gambling gets even harder to resist when he’s manic. When he is manic, Kaz takes control of all of their money and financial decisions. During those highs, he doesn’t sleep much, as he doesn’t feel the need to and his mind is going far too fast, so he’ll stay up with Kaz, who is an insomniac. If Kaz is overstimulated by Jesper’s hyperactivity, Jes will usually go hang out with Wylan or Nina, or even go work out with Matthias to do something with all of that energy. During his lows, he can get hopeless fast, so he and Kaz have a system set up so that he’s never alone during those episodes. Those days are usually spent with lots of physical contact and simple activities, like watching movies, baking treats, etc. Something that will get him out of bed and distract his mind. If he and Kaz are both struggling, they call over their friends for a little assistance.

(These headcanons are based on my experiences with both disorders)

#kaz brekker #six of crows #grishaverse #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #nina zenik #inej ghafa #matthias helvar #six of crows fanfic #soulbounduniverse #six of crows headcanons #soc headcanons #bipolar Jesper Fahey #Borderline Kaz Brekker #actually bpd

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nikolai-alexi · 10 months

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There is something so special to me about the unlikely friendship between Borderline + Bipolar James and Bipolar Barty.

*light TW for BPD and Bipolar episode descriptions and injuries, illusion to suicidal ideation during a depressive episode*

They start out basically hating each other, but they both make a point to be passably civil to each other because both of them are important people to Regulus, and neither of them are willing to hurt Reg by being awful to each other. It’s an incredibly slow process, but eventually they get sort of close to each other via forced proximity. Little things start slipping out as they talk, sometimes they hang out at parties if they’ve had enough to drink to tolerate the other’s presence, and eventually they come to something of a peaceful truce.

Then Barty has a euphoric-manic episode and gets really hurt. Like, really, really hurt. Evan and Regulus are at a complete loss, and it takes James longer than he’d like to admit to put the pieces together.

When Barty is finally released, he’s spiralling really badly, but he was raised in a way that makes telling someone he needs help impossible. So James steps up. He tells him what’s happening to him, what the episodes are, how to navigate them as best as possible, offers Barty support he’s never had before and lets him know that he’s there for him, that James understands what’s happening to him. That he cares.

It’s not Barty who reaches out first, though. It’s James. It’s been months since Barty’s manic episode when James has a depressive one. Through the fog and the weight across his entire body, he somehow musters the strength to call the one person in his life that he may not like, but who knows.

It’s awkward at first. Barty and James don’t like each other, but they know each other on a level their other friends can’t. So despite Barty wanting to do literally anything else, he stays. He tries. He learns.

Barty stays glued to James for three days until a bit of the fog recedes and he can lift his head on his own again. It takes another week or so for James to really start functioning again, and another two afterwards until he’s back to baseline. Barty doesn’t tell anyone, but he pays a student in James’ year on the low to get his class notes and homework assignments, and he does every single one of them so James doesn’t need to worry about trying to catch up on almost a month of missed work. He’s not really sure what exactly compelled him to do it, but he feels like it was the right thing to do.

James does the same thing for Barty during his first major depressive episode.

They make a pact of sorts, every morning when the potions vials show up by their breakfast plates, they make eye contact across the Great Hall, lift their potions up, tap the bottoms on the table, and shoot it back like a party shot. It’s a routine that helps them ground each other. It’s something that makes them feel anchored and in the moment. If they can laugh at each other’s faces from the vile tasting potions, they can face whatever the day might bring.

When they’ve all graduated, Evan and Barty find a place not far from Regulus and James’. It’s not an uncommon occurrence for Evan or Regulus to find James and Barty curled up together on Bad Days, or to find them laughing somewhat maniacally as they beat the piss out of each other wrestling and sparring on days that are Too Much.

It takes a long time before Barty really understands that James is there for him. Two years after his diagnosis is when he has his worst episode yet. It comes on with very little warning and Barty knows it’s bad and knows he needs help but he can’t physically get himself to call for it. All he knows is one minute he was in bed with Evan sleeping next to him and the next he’s on a seaside cliff face and he’s terrified of what his brain is doing to him. He doesn’t remember actually calling for James, but he does remember being wrapped in familiar arms and having a jumper shoved on him. He remembers being on the Potter-Black sofa and remembers James holding a tea cup to his lips because his hands were shaking so violently he couldn’t hold it on his own. He remembers James talking, but he couldn’t understand the words.

He remembers the moment that he finally understood that someone had come for him when he needed them, and they hadn’t left him alone.

He remembers the way that when it finally clicked into place, when he realised that he truly had a Person, that it got just a little bit easier to keep breathing.

If you had told James Potter and Barty Crouch Jr that they would become not only friends, but something deeper than that, back in school, they both would have laughed themselves silly. But now? They are each others Person and that’s a bond that the world ending couldn’t even break.

#queer platonic DarkSun #barty crouch jr #barty crouch junior #james potter #james potter has borderline personality disorder #james potter has bipolar disorder #barty crouch jr has bipolar disorder #DarkSun but make it mental illness support system #they’re just so special to me

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caitmeetsworldsstuff · 7 months

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𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲,

Living with bipolar disorder is like riding an emotional roller coaster that never seems to stop. It's as if my mind is constantly at war with itself, swinging back and forth between extreme highs and lows. One moment, I feel invincible, a burst of energy coursing through my veins, and the world seems full of endless possibilities. But just as quickly as the high comes, it crashes down, leaving me feeling empty and numb. During the manic phases, my thoughts race a mile a minute, and my body can't keep up. I become impulsive, making reckless decisions and engaging in risky behaviors. It's like I'm on autopilot, chasing the next thrill without considering the consequences. Everything feels amplified, intensified, and it's hard to control my impulses. Then there are the depressive episodes, where I'm consumed by an overwhelming sadness that wraps around me like a suffocating blanket. It's like sinking into a deep, dark abyss with no way out. The simplest tasks become insurmountable mountains, and even getting out of bed feels like an impossible feat. The world loses its color, and I'm left feeling numb and disconnected from everything and everyone around me. Living with bipolar disorder means constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next mood swing will hit. It's frustrating and exhausting, not only for me but also for my loved ones who have to bear witness to my erratic behavior. They try their best to support me, but it's hard for them to understand the chaos happening inside my head. But amidst the turbulence, there are moments of clarity and stability. With the right medication and therapy, I've learned to manage my symptoms and find some semblance of balance. I've learned to appreciate the highs for their creativity and passion, and I've gained a deeper understanding of the human experience through the lows. Living with bipolar disorder is a constant battle, but I refuse to let it defeat me. I am Ian Gallagher, and I will continue to fight, to find my own version of stability and happiness, despite the challenges that come my way.

𝐒𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐲, 𝓘𝓪𝓷 𝓒𝓵𝓪𝔂𝓽𝓸𝓷 𝓖𝓪𝓵𝓵𝓪𝓰𝓱𝓮𝓻

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tags: @milky-m-milky @gallavichgeek

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soloorganaas · 2 years

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Sirius Black is heavily coded as queer, especially in his relationship with Remus, which HP fandom has been discussing for two decades. But Sirius is also heavily coded as neurodivergent, specifically with bipolar disorder, and that’s just as essential to his character (and the awful treatment he gets from JKR) as his queerness

for those who don’t know, bipolar disorder is a mood disorder characterised by extreme swings between mania and depression. each phase lasts from days to weeks, and is usually separated by some period of relative stability. these mood aren’t entirely related to external events - these can trigger a manic or depressive episode, but they are ultimately moods that happen to you, like an emotional weather system. this leads to people with bipolar disorder feeling a constant sense of inner instability, because they know loss of control is always just around the corner

bipolar disorder is still deeply misunderstood and portrayed awfully in the media. people with BD are seen as mad, unstable, unable to participate safely in society, unable to hold down jobs or have relationships, not to be trusted, not to be respected, and generally people to be kept away from us all. and this is exactly how Sirius ends up being treated by JKR

Sirius as bipolar-coded

- tendency towards mania or depression

Sirius is portrayed as a person of extremes. both explicitly and implicitly he’s described as someone with high energy, a lot of passion, an ability to undertake feats impossible for others, extremely extroverted, driven to take risks, and an inability to still or control his restlessness. at the same time, he is also capable of sinking to incredibly low places, carrying round a dark, crippling sadness that is unmatched by even other traumatised characters.

- hints at these being long lasting periods

bipolar disorder doesn’t mean someone is just moody or dramatic, and manic or depressive episodes don’t happen just for a few hours or a day. but the capacity to reach these extremes is a strong indicator of bipolar disorder. It’s hinted that Sirius has gone through longer phases like this. he is full of manic, restless energy when we first meet him, able to accomplish things impossible for other people. he survives outdoors, taking huge risks to help Harry, without appearing to be in the least bit scared or even considering an alternative. then, during OoTP, he’s described as being in a deep, unshakeable depression whilst living at 12 Grimmauld Place.

- sudden switch into mania or depression which seems impossible for other people

I always found the description of Sirius’s escape from Azkaban interesting. it’s not just his ability to transform into a dog that allows him to escape, but his strength of mind. he talks about how seeing Peter in the Daily Prophet “lit a fire under him” which ultimately drove him to escape from Azkaban, at high risk of death and of being caught. these kinds of sustained bursts of energy that allow someone to accomplish things which aren’t possible or conceivable for others, often involving extreme risks, are characteristic of bipolar disorder. the switch between depression and/or stability to mania also is. Sirius doesn’t slowly come back to himself, but turns on an instant. in my personal experience, this is what switching between manic and depressive episodes is like.

- strong emotions

as mentioned above, bipolar disorder is not just daily mood swings or having an emotional personality. But strong emotions are definitely common with bipolar disorder, because of the lack of emotional regulation and limits we have. as the emotions happen to us in manic/depressive episodes, it is hard to learn what our own emotions are the rest of the time, and therefore how to regulate them. we also have the capacity to feel things extremely strongly, as I mentioned, and we’re so used to living outside the normal emotional range it doesn’t seem problematic, even when people criticise it. Sirius is repeatedly described as having very strong emotions, much more so than any other character, despite the strength of other personalities and the emotional circumstances that exist in the books

- lack of understanding from others

again and again, people around Sirius do not understand why he has such strong emotions, do not share them, and at many points judge him. this is particularly emblematic in Molly Weasley, but is also shown through off-handed comments from other characters about him being wild, or dramatic, or erratic, or feeling things much more strongly than other people - for example, Sirius desperate loneliness that impacts his desire to be close to Harry, and protect him from the same experience, which some just see as a selfish desire to have James back

- irritation at others holding him back and sense of being an outsider

this is so well portrayed by Gary Oldman in the films, but comes across in the books as well. Sirius clearly gets frustrated with other people who don’t feel the way he does - particularly, the depth of his empathy and compassion towards Harry, his urgency to protect him and inform him about the war and his anger at the limits placed on him/them. he’s clearly used to people reacting like this, and sees himself as slightly outside as a result. in OoTP he’s constantly rolling his eyes and raising his eyebrows in irritation at other people, as well as consistently physically removing himself. he stands in the background or in the doorway watching, looking amused and uncomfortable at the same time, but still being a little bit provocative. he knows that other people don’t feel like he does, and most importantly don’t trust his emotions

Sirius’s negative treatment by JKR

Sirius is quite literally forced into a box by JKR. in OoTP, he is trapped in his old house without any actual logical reason. (the Ministry doesn’t know he’s an animagus so he can freely travel around as a dog; Voldemort would already know he’d be working with Lupin and Dumbledore so he can’t ‘discover’ Sirius is hiding with him; and Sirius is in no greater risk of being a target for Death Eaters when he’s outside and visible than Moody, Lupin, or other known Order members.) he is mocked and belittled by others, who either see him as deserving of his treatment, or to be pittied, but never as someone to be trusted or respected (aside from by Harry).

OoTP as has been discussed is the first book where JKR begins to respond to fandom. she also has a vicious tendency to curtail characters that have run away from her, particularly with regard to traditional norms. her attitudes really have to be taken into the concept of British society and her insistence on upholding rules that are seen to keep things “as they should be”. in this case, those who are queer, neuro-divergent, challenge gender norms, are of a racial or ethnic minority or are disabled are not playing by the rules, and are to be forced into submission or exiled.

Sirius is fundamentally a character who does not play by JKR’s norms. he rebelled against his family’s snobbery and pureblood supremacy to an extent he became an unloved, abused outsider. he is strongly implied to be queer and with some romantic involvement with remus. he is unconcerned with traditional gender norms in his appearance or demeanour. (this is something which is much more evident in the films, but his long hair and comparatively dramatic, flamboyant clothes against the ridged masculinity + femininity of the other characters is a sharp contrast.) added together with the fact that he is coded as bipolar, he is therefore someone in every way rebelling against the role set out for him, and taking up too much space.

when this becomes apparent, and it’s clear Sirius can’t be forced into submission (he’s had a lifetime of rebelling and has an iron will, at this point), JKR literally locks him in a “mad house”. he is trapped in the very place which he was taught how he “should be”, and where he was punished for not following the rules. he continues to be punished through being forced to suffer the abuse of kreacher and his dead relatives’s portraits, as well as re-live his own trauma. he has to face humiliation through taunts by Snape, control by Dumbledore, and public judgment and criticism from Molly. he is an outsider in his own home, unable to control his life, under the thumb of those deemed “less dangerous”. as readers, we’re encouraged to have empathy for Sirius but to side with Dumbledore and Molly, through Sirius’s continual portrayal as an over-emotional, untrustworthy, immature and irresponsible person, who doesn’t have Harry’s best interests at heart. this is a complete reversal from his role as the responsible, steady and caring godfather in GoF.

an important sidenote is that Remus and Harry are the only ones who both understand him and respect him. they both in their own aways have suffered with significant tragedy, the mental health problems that stemmed from it, and being shunned by society. I would argue that it’s in part of this they don’t see Sirius’s bipolar disorder and/or queerness as something to be hidden or punished.

Sirius’s overall story is heartbreaking because of this. he suffers enormously as a child because of his queerness and neurodivergency, among other things, and is left desolate and outcast. but he finds a new family in James, Remus and Peter, and is accepted and embraced by them. in James he finds someone he can run wild with, whose sharp mind, love for risks and high energy levels are similar to his. in Remus, he finds a calm and reassuring balance, and someone who sees through well-acted defenses to the person underneath. Remus is consistently the only person to calm Sirius down, without being patronising or aggressive. he never shows any disrespect towards Sirius (even when he still - at least partially - believes him to have betrayed and murdered their friends). but then this family is ripped away from him in the most unbelievably tragic way, he’s locked up in a torturous prison for 13 years, and he’s forced to shoulder the guilt of his friends’ murders for the rest of his life.

he then gets a reprieve through reuniting with Remus. Remus instantly believes him and defends him. it’s clear in OoTP they have a romantic relationship, through their emotional intimacy and intensity both in the books and the movies, the fact that they’re living together, and their consistent portrayal as a pair - they give Harry a joint gift, they are on the same side against Molly, they are rarely in conversation without the other, shots of them pan to the other instantly etc. Sirius has someone he loves, can trust and feel secure with.

and now, he also has a godson who loves him unconditionally, who is unconcerned by his trauma or tendency towards mania and depression or his queer portrayal - and in fact seeks reassurance from him specifically because of these things (going to speak to Sirius when he feels he’s going mad, for instance). the bond between Sirius and Harry is beautiful, and instills a constant sense of hope for a happier future in Sirius.

obviously, this is all ripped from him, in a way that’s portrayed as a result of his own inability to follow the rules. he leaves the house when he shouldn’t, rushing into defend Harry without a forethought, and it gets him killed. when JKR can no longer lock him up, she has only one option left.

Conclusion

these stories are important because they tell non-bipolar people how to view and treat bipolar people, and they teach bipolar people the limits they should expect from life. we already live with an at-times scary disorder, which we know has the capacity to tear our lives apart. it can be hard to believe our lives will be okay, or that we’ll find acceptance, friendship, love or family. seeing stories like this where our fears come to life hurts, and it’s scary. Sirius deserved better, and so did every bipolar person who had to read his story

#sirius black #prisoner of azkaban #order of the phoenix #wolfstar #remus lupin #harry potter #bipolar disorder #ch: we choose who we really are #otp: i'm mental about you #hp meta #meta

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goatlilly · 8 months

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Adrien Has Bipolar

Everyone knows Adrien Agreste to be Miraculous Ladybug’s resident sad-boy: aka, he’s depressed. However, while Adrien clearly exhibits common symptoms of major depressive disorder on multiple occasions, there are also numerous occasions where he seems completely fine, and others where he acts downright energetic and perky. His behavior is kind of erratic sometimes, and some might chalk it up to bad character writing, but there is actually a real-world diagnosis for his behavior, and I don’t see nearly enough people discussing this, so I’m going to write you all an essay explaining exactly why I think Adrien has bipolar disorder.

Okay, so for any of you out there who are unsure what bipolar is, it’s essentially a mood disorder that causes an individual to experience abnormal emotional highs and lows, usually spanning over long periods of time and causing shifts in the individual’s energy levels. These shifts in moods are generally described as either manic/hypomanic or depressive episodes. During a manic or hypomanic episode, a bipolar individual will experience a low-level increase of energy, often having trouble sitting still or thoroughly thinking things through. Hypomania can cause someone to be irrational, irritable, impulsive, and impatient as some of its negative downsides, while on the more positive end they will experience heightened levels of productivity and self-esteem. Mania is similar, but on a MUCH larger scale, causing all listed downsides and positives to be dialed up to a ten. For example, a hypomanic individual might think they can handle taking ten more credits in college when they’re already taking twelve credits, while a manic individual might think they could adopt five kids while still taking college classes and adding ten extra credits. Being hypomanic makes an individual feel hyper-competent, while mania makes them think they have superpowers. The depressive episodes for a bipolar individual are pretty much the same as depression might be for a normally depressed individual, having the effect of decreasing someone’s productivity levels, energy, and their motivation. These episodes are the opposite of mania, resulting in heightened levels of sensitivity and sluggishness, as well as a higher-level requirement and desire for sleep and solitude and generally low self-esteem. Using the prior example with college credits, a bipolar individual going through a depressive episode might suddenly decide that 12 credits is actually too much, and they should drop at least two of their classes, or they may even go to the extreme of thinking that they should just drop out altogether. So yeah, typical depressed behavior. The key difference here is that these depressive episodes are usually somewhat out of nowhere, and don’t tend to last as long as a typical depression would.

Alright, that was a long explanation, but now we can get into the meat and potatoes of this thing, that being a deep dive into why I think Adrien has bipolar. And why it was probably written into his character completely by accident.

So, first things first, let’s look at instances of Adrien being depressed, since that’s what started off this whole thing in the first place. There are some more obvious ones like in Glaciator 2 or Kuro Neko, (we’ll touch more on Glaciator 2 later,) where Adrien demonstrates clear depressive symptoms, wallowing in his room, refusing offers from others for help and generally shutting down, but there are other instances such as in Siren, Senti-Bubbler or Hack-San where he demonstrates Irritability and behaves higher levels of sensitivity than he normally does. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a very sensitive individual in general, but it felt a little more pronounced in these episodes. I’d almost go as far as to say that Adrien seems depressive at the beginning of Dark Cupid as well, but that was such a short scene that I don’t feel like it can really be used to support my argument. Anyways, he’s clearly had a few depressive episodes, but they aren’t all that frequent. Some might say he’s just good at masking, but honestly, I don’t think he is. Every time he’s been sad, either as Adrien or as Chat Noir, it’s been pretty apparent. He seems genuinely fine in most scenes, sometimes being almost downright giddy.

Which leads me to the evidence of him being manic. The most prominent instances of this are pretty early on, manifesting in stone-heart, Copycat and Kung food. In all three of these episodes, Adrien appears to have more energy than usual, taking impulsive risks and bearing a very inflated opinion of himself compared to usual. Another instance where his behavior screams manic is in Gamer 2.0, when Chat is kind of just screwing around during the whole fight, refusing to listen to ladybug and acting a bit stupider than normal, especially since this is in season 3, and Chat Noir largely mellows out in this season compared to season 1. There’s of course also the episode Glaciator 2, and this is the episode I think is probably worth further discussion. So, let’s do that now. Yay! In the episode, Adrien starts off as manic, interacting with Ladybug in a way that shows a great lack of awareness on his part, generally seeming to say whatever pops into his head without much consideration and irrationally thinking that he has a chance with her in the moment despite being rejected multiple times. Once Ladybug tells him off, it doesn’t take long for all the energy to go away, and he transitions into full depressive mode. He stays pretty depressive for most of the episode, transitioning into irritability and then trying to act normal when Marinette calls him over but only coming off as something close to an impression of what he’s usually like as Chat Noir. At the end though, he goes back into manic mode, thinking again that he has a chance with Ladybug if he just acts like his true self, which, like… what does that even mean? I’m sorry, I just can’t with this boy sometimes.

Also… I guess I should bring up Chat Blanc too. This is one of the most distinct moments in the series were Adrien exhibits mania. Normally I would have thought he’d be mostly despondent as Chat Blanc—that or scared. Instead, he’s full of energy, moving in circles around Ladybug and talking her ear off, saying that everything will be fixed if Marinette just gives him her miraculous, acting out impulsively, irrationally, and almost most significantly, completely out of control. I realize that he was akumatized at the time, but it should be noted that one of the most universal things you’ll hear from individuals who experience mania is that while it offers a heightened sense of Euphoria and capability, it is during manic episodes that they are the most unstable. When mania hits, it’s hard to stay in control, and a part of the brain is aware of that fact. So much energy is buzzing through someone, and if they’re in a state of emotional fragility when the episode hits, it isn’t unusual for them to start self-destructing. The energy needs somewhere to go, so it often comes out in destructive ways.

See, that’s the thing. I really don’t think that Adrien’s character was supposed to be Bipolar. His entire character is about that concept of destructive energy, being that he, you know, has the power to destroy things. There’s an inherent bipolarity to the way that Adrien acts when he’s in costume as opposed to when he’s not. He starts out suppressing his emotions as Adrien, then over stresses them when he’s Chat Noir. When he’s Adrien, he’s the perfect person who thinks he’s not all that cool, and when he’s Chat Noir, he’s a flawed teenaged boy who thinks he’s a lot cooler than he really is. His entire character is like one gigantic Allegory for living with Bipolar. Regardless though, I do think that Adrien is bipolar, whether he was meant to be or not, and as someone with bipolar myself, I can’t help but relate to him.

So yeah. Thanks for reading. I know this was super long and stuff, so if you made it all the way to the end then you’re a real champion. Anyways, let me know what your thoughts are on this. Does Adrien seem bipolar to any of you, or is it just me grasping at straws because I finally found some vague representation of my disorder that isn’t entirely inaccurate? (Honestly, it’s sad how bad the media depiction of bipolar is in general.) If nothing else, I hope you at least come away from this with a decent understanding of bipolar disorder.

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saintavangeline · 2 months

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hi! i hope it won't come off as nosy, but i got really interested when you said you've been diagnosed with bipolar, and adhd on top of it... mainly because i have adhd, and for the past month i've been waiting to get a bipolar diagnosis confirmed, since my psychiatrist is suspecting it. i don't know anyone who has it and it feels a bit lonely to sail this boat, would it be okay if i asked you a few questions? (feel free to skip if you don't want to answer them!)

overall i just wanted to ask, what are your main symptoms and how does your adhd get worse with experiencing episodes? & are you able to experience remission with your current treatment (that's mostly for adhd, if i remember it correctly)? and also i just want to quickly say im insanely proud of you for managing to survive, and, despite all the difficulties, still finding your voice in music 🤍🤍

Hi! I don't mind these questions at all - I know firsthand how isolating and difficult it is to navigate these illnesses and especially when you're waiting on a formal diagnosis. Having adhd and bipolar (and in my case.. also a recent autism diagnosis) together can be incredibly difficult, but on the plus side, people with these disorders usually have some of the most creative minds in our society. So.. yay to that part of it's any consolation!

1. My main symptoms are lethargy/fatigue, ruminating, anxiety, issues with starting and completing tasks, impulsivity, memory issues/forgetfulness, poor time management and keeping a routine, mood swings, and (this is one I feel so so awful about and I'm trying so hard to work on) changing topics mid convo/interrupting.

2. When I experience episodes, I definitely feel like my ADHD exacerbates my symptoms. When I'm manic, I am go-go-go, do not eat for days, possessed and riddled with creativity and pull all-nighters frequently. It's like I'm on some sort of bender but my drug is creating things or getting really involved in a special interest or hobby. I'm also able to get a lot done and accomplish things I normally struggle knocking out. When I reach my depression cycle, ADHD paralysis keeps me immobilized on my couch or in my bed for sometimes entire days. I struggle to even get up and bathe.

3. Unfortunately no, I have not experienced remission. However, I will say that taking stimulants has helped numb out bad feelings when I'm low, and somewhat stabilizes me during mania. I don't feel AS extreme of mood shifts when I'm on stimulants, but it doesn't completely stop my symptoms.

4. I have tried other medications for treating bipolar in the past, and I have had horrible experiences with all of them, and some new trauma around coerced medication so finding something that will work is currently off the table for me in terms of drugs. I advise you be careful and trust your gut with whatever you're given. If you feel like something is wrong, you DO NOT have to keep taking it. And don't let anyone pressure you otherwise.

And thank you so much! Life has been incredibly hard and sometimes I am genuinely fighting for it, but my mania cycle is about to kick in finally (it always does around this time of year) and I'm ready to kick off LOL

I wish you the best of luck in your mental health journey, and props to you for advocating for yourself 🤍

#ask 🥀

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trans-axolotl · 1 year

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hi! can i ask you to elaborate on the right to decline psych meds? asking as someone with severe bipolar that really negatively impacts my life but also as someone who does not want to take meds, both for personal and political reasons, and feels self conscious about that. i would love more perspectives on it tho if you have the time and energy! if not no worries of course, take care <3

hey anon! So i'm going to give like five disclaimers before getting into it because I have seen the way tumblr misinterprets my posts before lmao. I feel comfortable sharing my own experiences, but I am only one bipolar person and don't want people to generalize what I'm saying as applicable to what decisions they should make about their meds. there's a lot of factors that go into deciding to take or not take meds and I can't give advice like that over the internet. i'm also not an expert on psych meds and can't give medical advice.

with all of that out of the way, I want to talk a little bit about why I currently refuse to take meds. i fundamentally believe that everyone has the right to choose the way they want to experience the world, and always has the right to choose what we put in our bodies. for me, I see my bipolar as less of a transient state and more as a neurotype. experiencing life through cycles and in extremes is something that is meaningful to me. I don't love every aspect of being bipolar, but I can't imagine myself without it because it affects every part of the way I perceive and interact with the world. there's a lot of value that going through mood cycles brings to my life in the way that i understand the world and process events, and i like having times where I have endless energy and can be social and make big decisions and work on projects, and I like having times where I can feel emotions and be contemplative and feel in touch with sadness and be able to take a moment to slow down. there are also some things I fucking hate about bipolar, like the way I feel during a manic episode when I'm too restless and it's like there's bugs in my skin, psychosis making me fucking terrified in a way that's hard to cope with, reckless decisions interfering with relationships, or how sometimes when I'm in a depressive episode I can't get up out of bed, am so numb that I can't support people in my life, and get suicidal. but for me, my experience with bipolar is a lot more complex and I don't wish to experience life without bipolar. the way that most medications have interacted with me has taken away all the parts of myself that I recognize, and i have been made to feel like being bipolar was the "problem."

my experience with psych meds has mostly been in situations where I was forcibly drugged in the psych ward, which brought a hell of a lot of trauma with it. the main reason I don't take medication is because that experience traumatized me to the point where I now often have paranoid delusions about medication, so I can't consistently stay on daily medication. even though i often have insight and I am usually pretty aware of my delusions, they happen frequently enough that trying to get me to stay on meds for more than a couple weeks would be a losing battle, and I'm not interested in going through withdrawal symptoms every few weeks.

beyond that, I don't go on psych meds right now because the medications I have tried numbed me out and made me so low energy that I could barely function in my daily life or socialize or do anything that was important to me. it stabilized my moods, but left me feeling nothing instead. there were also some physical side effects that i really disliked, and altogether, that wasn't worth it for me. i wanted to be able to choose the way of experiencing the world that felt the most authentic and also the most manageable. for me, the tradeoff of having stable moods was not worth it for everything I lost from having access to my emotions and ability to experience those highs and lows. i have enough coping skills and enough of a support system that dealing with the shitty parts of bipolar without meds is a reality for me. and the way I see it, no matter who I am or what diagnosis I have or what meds I'm on, there are going to be shitty days, and it's okay if my shitty days are on a different scale and don't look like the shitty days of someone who doesn't have bipolar. i'm open to medication in the future, especially when i get to a stage in my life when I'm having kids, because I think my priorities around stability and mood cycles might change. but for now, i feel very comfortable not trying out medication and just experiencing my mood cycles the way they are.

i think that medications are very helpful for some people, but my perspective on psychiatry is that the decisions should always be in our hands to decide what our actual priorities are. psychiatry operates by saying that everyone with bipolar's goal must be having stable moods and no symptoms. there's a million different ways to be bipolar and experience our symptoms. some bipolar people might think that physical side effects are a perfectly fine trade off for not having to deal with manic episodes. some bipolar people might feel particularly strongly about wanting medication to help with their depressive episodes, but not care about the rest. some bipolar people might take meds as needed, but not long term. there's a million different ways that we can experience the same diagnosis, and i believe that treatment needs to have space for all of these experiences, and respect our autonomy in choosing what our individual priorities are. I think there also needs to be a lot more awareness and understanding about the actual efficacy of medications. medications are going to work differently for every individual, and there is not one magic medication regime that can be backed up with evidence to show that it actually always reduces symptoms. mad/mentally ill/ neurodivergent people deserve a lot more honesty from our providers about the parts of medication management that truly is trial and error, instead of being made to feel like we're a failure because medications don't provide instant freedom from all of our distress.

there are lots of reasons that people might not want to be on meds and I unequivocally support anyone's right to make their own decision about medication, regardless of their psych's opinions on it. whether people don't want to take meds because of trauma, because they don't trust doctors, because they don't like the physical side effects, because they don't like feeling numb, because they don't agree with the idea that certain symptoms are harmful, because they're tired of trying out new medications, because they don't want to take meds that prevent them from drinking alcohol, because they can't pay for them, because they won't regularly remember to take them, because they only want to be on some types of meds and not others, or for literally any reason, people always should have the final say on what goes into our body.

if other people want to add on their perspective on medication, please feel free! I am only one person and I don't think my way of thinking about medication is the only way, and that there is room for a lot of experiences. I'm also going to link the Harm reduction guide to psychiatric drugs, and strongly recommend that people don't make changes to their medication habits without educating yourself on the risks, your own personal vulnerabilities, and what steps you can take to make it safer.

#antipsych #antipsychiatry #medication #ask to tag #don't know if this needs a psych abuse trigger tag #ok to reblog #bipolar #disability studies #i always get a little nervous talking about meds online bc i know i have no control #how people interpet this #but i think its important to talk about !

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eyesw1deshut · 8 months

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fight club head canon slash theory?!!!

tyler durden bipolar disorder

disclaimer: if i get things wrong about the disorder correct me my criteria is taking ap psychology and being autistic & hyperfixated on psych

anyways bipolar is “a disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs.”

i think all throughout the movie he is having a manic episode

he shows:

-having lots of energy and big insane plans (project mayhem)

-making risky choices without thinking about consequences (attacking bar owner who had a gun, driving into oncoming traffic, getting into fights)

-being hypersexual

-exaggerated self-confidence and feeling that you are invincible (goes hand-in-hand with the risky choices)

-self harm is also common (giving himself chemical burns)

i think during his depressive episodes, that’s when he makes the calls to his dad asking him what he should do

anways thanks for watching everyone don’t forget to smash the like button and check out the description for a iphone 46 giveaway

#fight club #tyler durden #the narrator #david fincher #psychology #character analysis #soapshipping

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strawberryblondebutch · 1 year

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PLEASE hit me with bipolar kirby . please. i wanna hear everything

BP2 with rapid cycling that took forever to get properly diagnosed because medical misogyny

It didn't help that her first hypomanic episode was triggered while she was going through drug withdrawal (ironically her disease made her more susceptible to addiction in the first place)

The second time it happened, she couldn't blame it on any external factors. She just assumed she was getting out of her period of acute grief/trauma and this was what being normal was like -- it had been so long since she felt that way

Diagnosed with unipolar depression first because that's what was getting in the way of her functioning. The SSRIs trigger another manic episode, which reaffirms that "oh yeah, this is just what feeling normal is"

One day she was telling her therapist about how she was going through these cycles of feeling great for a little while followed by long periods of bad depression, but they didn't seem to correlate with anything in her life? What's that about?

Was absolutely terrible with taking her mood stabilizers at first. She liked being manic. It made her feel productive for once. She knew, realistically, that the better the highs, the worse the lows, but the lows couldn't be that bad, right?

Oh. Yes they could.

Kept getting into the habit of taking on too much when she was manic and having her world collapse when she was depressed. The pressure of this is what got her back on a regular medication regimen

Was terrified of the diagnosis gutting her chances at becoming an agent. This is the part during the polygraph exam where she started crying. "Is it treated?" the person administering the test asked, and she nodded. "Okay, we'll make a note of that." Turns out it wasn't half as big a deal as she expected.

Still has trouble noticing when she switches from one mode to another. A few days in, she'll stop and go, "Oh. I slept 3 hours and feel fine. Seems bad." Or "Oh, I want to sleep 14 hours. Seems bad."

Getting Nina was the main thing that kept her life from totally imploding, because no matter how bad she got, she had to get up and take care of the cat

Cannot sit still when manic. Paces around the room instead

Fidget fidget fidget. "Oh wait what was that I didn't hear it". This is the one thing that never changes regardless of what part of a cycle she's in

"Whoa, you're talking really fast, can you slow down?" "That would be torture actually"

Keeps paper plates around because washing dishes is the first thing to go when the depression gets bad

Mainly takes lithium but her brain doesn't react well to SSRIs, so she supplements it with Seroquel instead of a typical antidepressant. Looks like she and Sam have something in common

#kirby reed #yeah can you tell i've thought about this not at all /j

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ravenheartxvi · 3 months

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So I learned yesterday that Jake Lloyd, who portrayed young Anakin Skywalker in the Phantom Menace was diagnosed with schizophrenia. My apologies for this being old news to some but while I was aware that he was the recipient of intense bullying for his portrayal of Anakin Skywalker and vague notes of how it negatively impacted him, I was until now unaware of his mental health diagnosis. My heart just goes out to him and what he lives with. I admit, I have strong feelings on this information.

I was never one of those people who criticized the portrayal of littleAnakin Skywalker and could not understand the logic behind attacking a child actor for no other reason than not liking this child’s acting or portrayal. It was cruel and shameful to bully a child to such an extent that this boy couldn’t even enjoy the experience. Now, knowing that he suffers from a severe and still mostly misunderstood mental illness just makes it even worse! SHAME on anyone who even shared a shred of negativity towards Jake Llyod! Just thinking of him experiencing the onset of his symptoms while also experiencing such an onslaught of vitriol from toxic assholes who thought it was appropriate to target a child actor is just so heartbreaking. My heart bleeds at the thought and I feel so much empathy for what he must have been going through at the time. Especially considering that I experienced similar experiences on a smaller scale.

I don’t know what it must feel like to experience having schizophrenia beyond a clinical/educational understanding. However, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder during my adolescence. I was one of the lucky few to receive an early diagnosis and that is mostly due to a family history and the fact that my mother was diagnosed with the disorder while I was ten. I was also a bullied child. While I won’t go into detail, I’ll just say that it was bad enough that when I first began to wear prescription glasses in fourth grade, I experienced deep anxiety and terror of wearing my glasses in front of my peers in fear of being bullied. Anytime my mom tried to talk to me about joining extracurricular activities such as joining girl scouts or the idea of summer camp, I would break down into tears and beg her not to make me do it. The experiences I had with my peers only compounded my experiences when I began to experience the symptoms of bipolar disorder, the manic episodes and the depression episodes, all occurring in the late 90’s before cyber bullying became a thing. Going through such a turbulent time in your mental health while also dealing with intense bullying is traumatizing. It leaves an impact, one that I, as a thirty-eight year old woman, still deal with the effects of. I cannot help but try to emphasize and imagine just how much more intense and scary it was for Jake Lloyd. I truly hope he is doing well, as well as he can with a difficult mental disorder.

On top of that, I came across a youtube video yesterday where Ahmed Best(who portrayed Jar Jar Binks) talked about how he was driven to almost commit suicide because of the backlash and bullying he received from the same toxic assholes who dare to call themselves fans. WTF is wrong with people! Again, I have such strong feelings and my heart goes out to these two actors after learning of these two facts. I understand what it is like to be driven to self harm and attempt suicide through the mistreatment from others. My first suicide attempt had occurred when I was twelve, after a particularly bad day at school dealing with bullies. Unfortunately it was also the beginning of the onset of my own mental health issues. I am glad that Ahmed Best has recovered from that incredibly painful and low point in his life and he is now thriving. But the fact that he was brought to such a low point by “fans” in the first place is just so disgusting.

The problem is that this shit is still happening. We may all have our own opinions on the sequel trilogy or any other Star Wars media helmed by Disney, whatever. But the fact that Kelly Marie Tran was targeted by toxic asshole “fans” to the point that she had to scrub her social media accounts and it soured her Star Wars experience is just disheartening. And when these same toxic asshole “fans” decided to target Moses Ingram for her role as Reva, I have so much more respect for Ewan McGregor for calling them out and coming to Moses’ defense. I now have no doubt that Ewan saw first hand what these toxic asshole “fans” put Jake and Ahmed through and stepped up for his co-star.

The emotional distress these actors had to experience from this toxic fan behavior is difficult to swallow. Neither one of them deserved to be targeted with an ounce of the backlash they received. Yet, this toxic fan behavior became the main opinion and dare anyone else speak against it. It’s beginning to turn around now and the actors once criticized and mistreated by “fans” are now receiving recognition for their talent and appreciation for their roles. However, it does not erase their experience. For a child actor to be targeted by bullies for his role is cruel enough but knowing that same child actor also suffers from a serious mental illness makes it a thousand times worse. Knowing that an adult actor was bullied over a role he was enjoying, getting encouraging feedback by his co-stars and production team, only to be driven to suicidal feelings by fan reactions is equally tragic. I choose to combat this cruelty with compassion. What about you?

#star wars #jake lloyd #ahmed best

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smashing-yng-man · 2 years

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Amongst my prescriptions from Behavioral Health is Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer commonly given to those who suffer from Bipolar Disorder.

The mental affliction of the "highs" and "lows" is exactly like this. You're so euphoric during manic episodes, you just don't realize it.

#mania #depression #bipolar #bipolar disorder #manic depression #mental health #mental illness #lamictal #lamotrigine #psychiatry

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qzwrites · 1 year

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Do you ever think about suicide?

Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live.

I was four or five the first time I heard my father recite Dorothy Parker's Resume. You might say that's too young to be joking about suicide around a child, and I don't think I can disagree. It upset me a lot as a kid, to hear my dad talk so glibly about suicide and his personal suicidal ideation.

On the other hand, I was four or five when I decided how I would kill myself, if I ever felt like I needed to.

These might seem like contradictory ideas. Maybe they are. I don't really know if this is an autism thing or a family thing or a mentally ill-since-childhood thing. Some combination of the three, perhaps, since certainly my autism and mental illness come from my family.

It wasn't something I thought about a lot, as a child. Mostly I thought about suicide when my dad talked about it, which was more often than I wanted or was comfortable thinking about, but I understood pretty quickly that it wasn't about me and he didn't seem to understand how upsetting it was.

It wasn't until after he died (not suicide, thanks for asking) that I really understood why my dad talked about it so freely and, it seemed to me, glibly.

I was not depressed as a child. Maybe I should have been, but I wasn't. I was extremely anxious and heavily bullied, but my family was loving and accepting, and the ways in which I was different did not particularly trouble me. It was mostly the callous ways other people acted that troubled me, but my family made sure I always knew there was nothing I could--or should!--do about other people being assholes.

The first serious depressive episode I had was in middle school. Despite the fact that I had friends for the first time in a long time, despite the fact that I got to stay in one school for nearly two entire years (a record!), I was depressed. I was sad and had trouble sleeping; I ate too many sweets and ruined my teeth. I thought about self-harming, which in my eleven-year-old brain was limited to cutting, and decided it wouldn't help. Honestly, the fact that so many people made fun of cutters for being pathetic probably made more of the decision for me than I would like to admit.

At the time I thought I was depressed because I had moved away from my best friend and first love, and missed the friends and family I had left behind. Probably that was part of it, but part of it was also definitely puberty and the dysphoria it hit me with; I'm sure part of it was also the fact that both bipolar and unipolar depression run in my family, and those often start presenting during puberty.

And maybe part of it was, now that I had friends who treated me like someone who mattered, it occurred to me that the way I had been treated in the past (and to be fair, was still treated by a large chunk of my classmates) was unfair and unjust.

I don't know.

I remember resisting suicidal thoughts, that first episode. I was young, I had reasons to be sad, but I didn't think I would be better off dead. The only times I even skirted around the thoughts were those interminable nights when I couldn't sleep, no matter how much I tried, and I knew I would feel awful in the morning. Lying in bed for hours, until I was bored of my own insomnia, did sometimes make me think, Surely even dying would be better than this. But I knew it wouldn't, and I never even had to work that hard at shunting those thoughts aside.

I had occasional smaller bouts of depression. I was a teenager, I was mentally ill, of course I had upswings and downswings, but high school was mostly a relief. My anxiety was at an all-time low. I had friends. We managed to stay in one place for the entirety of high school, so I got four glorious years to actually get to know people and be known in return. I had small manic episodes that I was more concerned with, because even if they weren't harmful, I knew only sleeping five or six hours a night and compulsively writing entire novellas in the space of a month was not especially healthy. It didn't occur to me that I could be depressed again some day, that it might be worse than it had been when I was a middle schooler pining for some theoretical better life.

My dad only sometimes talked about suicide when I was in high school, and it still made me uncomfortable, but in a different way. It feels more selfish to me, even though my discomfort as a small child was very literally selfish--I didn't want to think about a world in which my dad was dead. In high school, I thought more along the lines of, jeez, why can't he get over it the way I did? But it was also easier as a teenager to know my dad as a person, and he was the kind of person who had to talk about the things that were on his mind, and had to joke about the things that worried him, or else he'd let them eat away at him on the inside and fester. Another thing we have in common.

But as I said, it didn't get really bad again until my dad died. I was twenty-three. It was unexpected. I was a thousand miles away, and it had been more than a year since I had seen him in person.

Moving across the country is hard. I didn't really understand how hard it would be, mentally, until after I had done it. After all, I'd done it so many times as a child! I didn't think about the fact that one of those times had been the trigger of my first major depressive episode. I didn't think about the fact that moving to a more northern latitude in January might be a bad idea.

My father died the day after I signed my first long job contract.

I did not stay at that job for the entire term of the contract.

Much of the next several years is a blur to me. I was freelancing, which would not have been good for my mental health regardless. We had to move several times. My grandmother also died, within months of my father. I slipped on some ice and broke my ribs. I can piece together timelines through jobs I worked, through memories of which apartment we lived in, what my family's hairstyles were, but it's not especially clear. I'd say the first year was the hardest, but I'm not sure it was only a year. It was hardest immediately after he died, but it stayed hard for a long time.

You know, I never actually had my antidepressant dose adjusted. Bipolar sometimes responds badly to traditional antidepressants, and I was put on the antidepressant initially for anxiety. I don't know if it would have helped or not. I don't know how much adjustments to brain chemistry can actually help with grief and feeling useless. I mean, I know that's what they're for, but....

It didn't really feel that bad at the time. Or, it felt bad, but it always felt like a reasonable response to the comically-worsening series of events that was my life. Of course I would feel like shit after losing three family members in the space of a year; of course I would feel like shit after blowing my first real job by poorly-managing my depression. Of course I would feel like shit with cracked ribs, the only treatment for which is "time" and "not doing things that hurt".

It didn't stop me from thinking, more and more frequently, how nice it would be to stop for a while. To just cease existing.

And unfortunately, when you think something for long enough, it becomes an easy thought to have. I've read some neuroscience about it, not really understanding enough to say whether or not it's true, but it feels true, and after all, so much of human skill is made up of repetition. In the wake of my father's death, I got very good at thinking about how I would like to die.

I got the blues so bad Kinda wish I was dead Maybe I'll blow my brains out, mama Or maybe I'll, yeah maybe I'll just go bowlin' instead

I think it would have been a lot harder for me if I hadn't had my dad's example. I didn't understand, when I was a little kid, or even a teenager, how he could joke about his suicidal thoughts. But at some point in the years after he died, I listened to Weird Al's "Generic Blues", a song Dad quoted constantly when we went bowling, and I realized I got it. Because after a while, it just becomes the background noise of your brain. Something bad happens, and your brain says, "Oh God, I want to die," and whether or not that's true, you're kind of...tired of it. Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before. But I got through it then, and I guess I have to get through it now. The other option isn't actually appealing most of the time. The only option is to acknowledge it and move on. Sometimes that means making jokes about it, quoting poems and songs that are kind of glib about the subject, because there's no other way to deal with it.

Maybe I'll kill myself, or maybe I'll go bowling instead.

Here's the thing I don't know that I can adequately explain to anyone who hasn't been through something similar: I don't want to kill myself. I never really did. Maybe on the worst days it would have been nice to sink into oblivion for a while, but that's not really the same thing. And I certainly don't want to now. Although to be frank, that has less to do with my mental fortitude, or even my appreciation for how much worse that would make things for my family, than it has to do with this:

My father was chronically depressed and at least passively suicidal since he was twelve, and he made it to 59. He made it to 59, and died of something else.

Yeah, maybe things are worse for me than they were for him. He never lived through a global pandemic. He never, as far as I know, spent a month sick with a brain-eating virus making it impossible to breathe. On the other hand, he did live through most of the Cold War, the AIDS crisis, and the growing awareness that climate change was happening and getting worse. He lived through three divorces. He lived through the death of his father. He lived through one of his children going to prison.

Obviously I can't directly compare our lives. Even if he was alive, life is so subjective it would be pointless. Shit was hard for him, and it's hard for me.

He made it to 59, and died of something else.

So it doesn't really matter how bad it gets for me. It doesn't really matter how shitty I feel. It is simply not an option for me to do a worse job than my dad. I'm not even allowed to think about killing myself until I'm 60. That's all there is to it.

I mean, I'll think about it. I have thought about it. I will continue to think about it. It's hard, some days, to tell myself, "No you don't," when something goes wrong and my first thought in response is, "I want to die." But there's thinking about it, and there's thinking about it. Considering it. Planning.

Considering the chunk of my life I have spent depressed, I doubt I am ever going to be far from idle thoughts of suicide. Especially with the world looking like it's not in any mood to get better any time soon. I feel like I'm lying any time any mental health professional asks if I've thought about suicide or harming myself and I say no, but I'm pretty sure the question isn't meant for the idle thoughts about something that exists in the world and affects me.

Dad made it to 59. If he could do it, I can do it.

Dad made it to 59; I might as well live.

#suicide #mental illness #non-fiction

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ageless-soul-au · 1 year

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I think you've mentioned in a few places that Legend has bipolar disorder. What all does that mean for him? /gq

(Sorry if you've already received asks about it, the search function of Tumblr is not very good. Also, sorry if that's an outdated or incorrect term for it, I don't know a whole lot about it in general ^^;)

ur okay, dw!! I (Kio) will put the answer under a cut for anyone who doesn't wanna read about it (but maybe you'll understand some of legend's issues a little more if you do)

cw for personal experiences, medication mention, manic/depressive symptoms, etc

honestly i'm just trying to base legend's bipolar on my having bipolar depression once upon a time. see, bipolar is caused by chemical imbalances, so in modern day you'd take mood stabilizers for it like lithium. legend doesn't have that (or if there's some way to treat it in the zelda universe he doesn't know what it is) so he's just gotta Suffer.

bipolar is characterized by a cycle of manic and depressive episodes. one leads into the other and unmedicated there's basically no escaping it unless your body decides to un-fuck itself magically. which... kinda happened to me so it's not impossible but i never had bipolar disorder straight up i don't think.

everyone presents symptoms differently with different degrees of severity but here's a little thing i pulled off of google that i keep in mind while writing because it's helpful to have something on hand so you don't forget.

so what i experienced had a slow buildup of mania over the course of a week, and it really wasn't that bad, more like i'd talk really fast and was hyper and bubbly. then there was a depressive crash that lasted about a day. this cycle happened pretty consistently.

here are the notes I have on legend tho, since his is more severe and worsened/triggered by trauma and stress:

manic: shaky, struggling to focus, voices/hallucinations, agitated/hostile, racing thoughts, impulsive, can't sleep, talking faster/more than usual, wants to stim more than usual (not always good stimming)

depressive: quiet, tired, low social battery, withdrawn/distant, intrusive thoughts, likely to find a quiet place to cry by himself if he can't ask for help/comfort (he really needs a hug)

so these episodes will happen every so often and ravio is used to dealing with them and helping legend through them, trying to make life easy for him during the week or so that it lasts. but this isn't something that he's wanted to "burden" the chain with so he's been suppressing it and trying to deal with it on his own where he can hide it, and wars has just now realized that this has been a thing legend's been experiencing, and several times he's seen it and not known exactly what it was, just that legend was going through it atm

that's basically it! it's just something he lives with and has to go through. honestly i hope i'm writing it correctly because, like i said, i had a very different experience. but based on what i've read and a few other people i've talked to that have bipolar disorder and adjacent things, this is what i pieced together for legend bc it felt like it fit him.

thank you for reading all this! i encourage you to read up on it online if you wanna know more. everyone experiences it differently!

-Kio

#ask #asau legend #bipolar disorder #mental health cw

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