#and the deep hatred i feel

[uncanny-tranny]

"Treatment" for addiction that requires you to lock up, confine, coerce, or otherwise strip addicts of their autonomy, it isn't treatment. It is a revenge fantasy that prioritizes your desire for subjugation over the actual betterment of addicts.

#politics #addiction #addiction tw #addiction mention tw #and like i understand the desire for revenge when you feel wronged. but addiction isn't one of those circumstances #i hold a deep hatred for my abuser but i was celebrating when they weren't being criminalized for their addiction #because if that had happened that would have destroyed so many lives in such a brutal and unnecessary way #and yes they held responsibility for their actions. but that doesn't mean you can go from 0 to 1000 because of it

[slavonicrhapsody]

a deep dive into Rykard’s belief system

We all know that Rykard wants nothing more than to devour the very gods… but Rykard had despised the gods long before he ever became the serpent of blasphemy. Within dialogue and item descriptions, you’ll notice many details that indicate Rykard had quite specific grievances against the gods during the Shattering war and before. It was his audacious campaign against the gods that won him the loyalty and admiration of his soldiers: we meet the spirit of a Gelmir knight in Volcano Manor who tells us, “Praetor Rykard's ambitions, though blasphemous, marked him a worthy sovereign.” Though he was despised by many as a traitor and a blasphemer, Rykard’s beliefs before his devouring were seen by his followers as heroic and worth following. Let’s go through what those specific beliefs were according to the text, and why he might have believed those things…

When we officially join the Volcano Manor, Tanith gives us this speech about Rykard’s beliefs: 

“Now, perhaps the time has come to tell you. Of the true ruler of this manor, Lord Rykard. The Erdtree blessed the Tarnished with grace. But it was all too meagre, in the fate of the enormity of their task. The Tarnished were forced to scavenge, squabbling for crumbs. Like the shardbearers, vying for power in the wake of the Shattering. Our Lord, indignant, had refused. To scurry about, fighting over what miserly scraps they allow us. If the Erdtree, and indeed the very gods, would debase us so, then we are willing to raise the banner of resistance, even if it means heresy. We at the Volcano Manor, under Lord Rykard, have sworn no rest until it is done.”

Essentially, Tanith recounts to us Rykard’s view of the Shattering war: the demigods are compelled to struggle against each other for the ultimate seat of power. However, this struggle exists at the behest of the gods, and is for the power that they see fit to grant. The war is fundamentally under their terms. To “win” the conflict is still to serve the whims of the Greater Will. This is what Rykard finds so deeply insulting… the gods treat them like dogs fighting over scraps of meat from their high table that they can never reach. So why should Rykard engage in petty conflicts for the gods’ miserly scraps of power, when he can raise his banner against the very gods themselves? 

Displayed on the walls of Volcano Manor are these paintings depicting the Erdtree aflame, visualizing Rykard’s intentions to destroy the gods in a very literal and direct way: he has declared war on all that is holy. He has accepted the fact that in order to achieve his goals, he must carry out such grievous acts of violence: “The road of blasphemy is long and perilous. One cannot walk it unprepared to sin.” (Remembrance of the Blasphemous)

From the Taker’s Cameo, we learn that,

“When lord Rykard turned to heresy, taking by force became the rule. The gods were no different, after all.”

This description tells us a few things. Essentially, under Rykard’s worldview, “might makes right.” This philosophy is continued by the recusants of Volcano Manor as well: Bernahl tells us, “The strong take. Such is our code.” If one is strong enough to take what they wish, then they are entitled to it. Rykard believes that this is how the gods have always operated (and with good reason… more on this later). From Tanith’s speech, we know that Rykard resents the gods’ absolute authority… so essentially, Rykard making a point of imitating the gods’ displays of power is asserting that the gods have no special right to do these things – he is challenging their monopoly on power and violence. He also imitates the gods’ own practices to expose their hypocrisy: though the gods present themselves as virtuous, in reality, they have always taken what they pleased through violent conquest. 

We know that Rykard was allied with his sister Ranni (herself on a quest against the gods) through the Blasphemous Claw item description. It reads,

“On the night of the dire plot, Ranni rewarded Praetor Rykard with these traces. Should the coming trespass one day transpire, they would serve as a last-resort foil, allowing Rykard to challenge Maliketh the Black Blade, the black beast of Destined Death.”

The main takeaway from this description is that, since the description implies that Rykard had some involvement (or at the very least, knowledge of) the Night of the Black Knives, Rykard and Ranni closely shared their beliefs on the gods with each other. The phrase “Should the coming trespass one day transpire” even seems to imply that the two had hoped they might openly “trespass” against the gods, culminating in Rykard challenging Maliketh.  

Furthermore, Rogier gives us some pertinent details on the timeline of the Night of the Black Knives:

“It happened during the Golden Age of the Erdtree, long before the shattering of the Elden Ring. Someone stole a fragment of the Rune of Death from Maliketh, the Black Blade. And on a bitter night, murdered Godwyn the Golden. That was the first recorded Death of a demigod in all history. And it became the catalyst. Soon, the Elden Ring was smashed, and thus sprang forth the war known as the Shattering.”

Since Rogier’s dialogue places Ranni’s collaboration with Rykard before the Shattering, this means that there must be more to the story that Tanith tells us in her speech – Rykard’s resentment of the gods and his blasphemous intentions go back long before the Shattering war. 

This line from Rykard’s unused dialogue lines may give some context to the source of his beliefs… take this with a grain of salt because it is technically not canon, but I believe it is worth mentioning: he says,

“Oh shapers of gods, meddlers in fortune, I do not abide by your suffocating order.”

With the phrases “shapers of gods” and “meddlers in fortune,” he must be speaking directly to the Two Fingers (the envoys of the Greater Will) here, because this is precisely what the Two Fingers do. According to Ranni, they are responsible for choosing empyreans to become potential new gods of the coming age, and because they do this, it can also be said that they “meddle” with fortune and fate. This was the source of Ranni’s entire feud with the Two Fingers — they controlled her fate through her “empyrean flesh.” For these reasons, as well as the reasons listed in the previous paragraphs, it makes sense why Rykard might consider the current order to be oppressive and “suffocating.” 

I also believe it is implied that, when Rykard refers to “the gods,” he specifically means the Greater Will and its vassals. Indeed, Bernahl calls out the Greater Will directly by name:

“O Greater Will, hear my voice. I am the recusant Bernahl, inheritor of my brother's will, and you will fall to my blade. We refuse to become your pawns. Consider this fair warning.”

Bernahl’s words interestingly echo Ranni’s experience with the Greater Will as a force that controls fate — it is a fair assumption to make that Bernahl came to hold these beliefs about the Greater Will because Rykard passed them onto his followers after learning them from Ranni. And lo and behold, Bernahl turns up in Farum Azula near Maliketh, carrying the Blasphemous Claw, which Ranni gave to Rykard for him to use “should the coming trespass one day transpire.” Before leaving, Bernahl tells us,

“the Volcano Manor is no more. Though we may yet fulfil an old promise. We hunted our own kind, and took what was theirs. And with everything in hand, the time has come to rise, against the Erdtree.”

Perhaps this “old promise” could have been a promise Rykard made to Ranni, to challenge Maliketh, release the Rune of Death, and destroy the Erdtree once and for all?

If we accept the idea that Ranni’s struggle against the Two Fingers caused Rykard to resent the gods on her behalf, then there are plenty of other instances of the gods causing Rykard’s family misery that might have also shaped his beliefs. Rykard cared enough about his mother to place two of his abductor virgins at Raya Lucaria to guard her, and the descriptions for some of his magma sorceries imply that she was an inspiration to him in the ways of sorcery. It is a fair assumption that Rennala’s suffering would have upset him, and the cause of her suffering was Radagon’s departure… who immediately wed the god-queen Marika, and founded Golden Order Fundamentalism. Rykard could have interpreted this as Radagon choosing the gods over them. It is also stated by the telescope item description that the Golden Order was the direct cause of Caria’s decline: “During the age of the Erdtree, Carian astrology withered on the vine. The fate once writ in the night skies had been fettered by the Golden Order.” Though the Erdtree made peace with Caria, it still ended up eroding its strength anyway. Radagon’s departure would have also reopened old wounds from when he originally came to conquer Liurnia: his bond with Rennala that once made peace between the Erdtree and the moon has now been broken, calling into question the Erdtree’s true intentions. 

Indeed, the intentions of the realm of the Erdtree have always been characterized by violent conquest; the desire to expand and the elimination of potential threats to its rule. Rykard would have known of his father’s attempts to conquer Liurnia, as well as Queen Marika’s extermination of the fire giants, who were Rykard’s astrologer ancestors’ neighbors (a bond enshrined within the Carian royals’ Sword of Night and Flame). To return to Rykard’s “might makes right” mindset, I believe his time as the head of the inquisition and an enforcer of Erdtree law taught him the true nature of the gods’ power: he would have brutally enforced the laws of the Golden Order and punished those who did not follow its creeds, and would thus have become intimately familiar with the harsh nature of carrying out the order of the Erdtree. Rykard learns that the gods must protect their rule through terror and violence, so the idea of the gods’ benevolence and divine right to rule is in truth, a farce. The one truth in the world is that the strong command the weak, and in order to avoid being commanded, one must become strong. By any means necessary. 

To summarize, Rykard’s beliefs are essentially that the gods position themselves as virtuous and holy beings, but in reality, they administer their absolute authority through force and violent conquest, undermining the free will of their subjects. They are the worst kind of hypocrites, and the only way to end their tyranny is to rise in rebellion, using their own ways against them, no matter how high the price may be. Through a deeper examination of the narrative, I believe it is heavily implied that Rykard came to hold these beliefs because of his experiences serving the gods himself, and feeling the gods’ injustice firsthand through how the ones he loved had been treated.

#elden ring #rykard #rykard lord of blasphemy #praetor rykard #elden ring lore #the biggest epiphany i had here was that bernahl straight up says the same thing about the greater will/two fingers that ranni does #“we refuse to become your pawns / ”I would not be controlled by that thing“ #and then the next time we see bernahl he's carrying the blasphemous claw which ranni gave to rykard!! #it feels like ranni's influence runs so deep... her hatred of the two fingers must have struck rykard to his core

[pcktknife]

'its out of character for frye to get upset abt the splatfest loses' ....is it tho??

#this all circles back to how i think deep cut should be mean af #i need disappointment i need anger i need disillusionment #thats more likely to make me feel better than pretending things are okay yknow? #and on that topic. again. i miss the losing screen i miss it so bad 💔 #kae.txt #went on a tangent oops. anyways fryes poison is hatred and even if shes chill. chill ppl get fed up too #besides shes clearly got a lot of energy and passion for the fests getting mad about it would make sense thats how games/sports are #ive seen a few ppl say the ooc thing but i dont see that. i guess thats how we got a toned down marina though

[ssstrawberryflowers]

O Machine!

How have I longed for love, from the fire of the Sun to the hands of a false lover, from the stars and the bright Moonlight to my own lustful touch...

huge fan of the whole "Gabriel worships V1 as a deity" ship dynamic so uh yeah finally made something with it (albeit a sketch only)

#school is haaaard but we go ooooon #pretend-holy poetry is fun to write actually tf #gabriel ultrakill #v1 ultrakill #gabv1el #ultrakill #suggestive #tw self destructive behavior #tw scars #v1 as a godlike being in gabriel's eyes- now acting way too kind compared to canon #huge issue on my end- making veevee too caring #nudity because purity- scars because deep rooted self hatred- crying because despair filled his mind #gabriel IS INDEED crying btw #oughh emotional turmoil oouggh the angel is feeling existential despair and craving any sort of love #would need to do actual works surrounding those ideas i think #id in alt #tw self harm

[blue-b-bro]

I'm still not over this

Ed was like: see Izzy? I'm the worst human being, no, a monster! A devil! No wonder no one loves me!

Izzy, without 3 toes at this point: I love you.

I'm not surprised Ed didn't take it in well

#Like #Would you? #Izzy's love proved he could be loved #and that means he just wasn’t loved by Stede #Izzy's love meant Izzy loved him fully with parts that Ed hated in himself and wanted to get rid of #Izzy's love just wanted Ed no matter in what form #Izzy just wanted Ed to be happy no matter what happens to him #and Ed saw that and hated himself even more #The more Izzy loved him the more Ed hated himself for what he's done and who he is #He wanted to be good but the one person that made him feel like it rejected him #He wants to be someone else but Izzy says he loves him as he is now and always #Izzy’s love letting Ed become worse and worse because he won't stop him #I just say I get it how it feels being deep into self hatred and trying to accept kind words #I'd also say “oh come on” #Edizzy #Izzy hands #Ofmd s2 #Our flag means death #Edward teach

[roseofcards90]

The fact that people were so willing to completely dismiss what happened in After Pain and Harrow after they saw It's Not My Fault and Deep Cover paint Mu and Kotoko in a worse light really shows that some people don't have literary comprehension 😭

#it's almost as if nuance is a thing and that their pain isn't mutually exclusive from their actions lmao #the fact that some people actually thought Mu was lying about what she went through??? 😭 no tf she didn't the whole point #is that she is both a perpetrator and a victim and her inno verdict in t1 validated her thinking #which is why in t2 she doesn't shy away from not acting completely innocent because she fully believes she didn't do anything wrong #that's why I also didn't understand why people were so quick to dismiss Kotoko's vigilantism and say it was a complete lie #because Harrow shows us that it never really was a lie but rather something that became more and more distorted over time #as well as something Kotoko uses to validate herself because of her self hatred which again Harrow already hinted at lmao #it only got worse in Milgram but the whole point is that Kotoko's ideals which were born out of strong feelings against the evils #of the world became distorted and more selfish over time #idk people just like to reduce them to completely bad people and it annoys tf out of me #deep cover spoilers #milgram #mu kusunoki #kotoko yuzuriha #my posts

[faggylittleleatherboy]

If you think that remus in wolf form is who he truly is, if his disability/illness/disease is a reflection of who he is, then you’ve never met someone with a chronic illness

His animal form (him being a werewolf) is not like the other marauders’s animal forms. He doesn’t fucking share traits with it (????) like Sirius shares traits with being a dog or Peter shares traits with being a rat

It’s just a disease (was transmitted to him like a virus would) and it manifests as a chronic illness. And yea it affects his whole perception of himself but it doesn’t define him (HE is scared it does, but it DOESN’T)

Conclusion: my boy doesn’t have wolf like traits just bc he’s a werewolf, his patronus is not a wolf and his animagus form would not be a wolf

#remus lupin #I’m so annoyed by this bc I keep seeing people take wolf like traits and put them on remus bc he’s a werewolf #if anything his patronus is a cat #or an angst rabbit #or like a highlander cow #also #remus has a very deep hatred for his wolf form which means it would NVER be his patronus #bc how they feel can affect the patronus #like when someone falls in love and it changes their patronus

[melit0n]

I need to shout about Distraction for a minute, so bear with me.

First off, ouch. Big fucking ouch. That thing has been licking the wound it helped create ever since it came out.

Second of all, the repetition of "it's too late for me" always being the background noise to an otherwise quite quiet song, other than the breakdown, is absolutely diabolical. The breakdown feels like a panic attack. A complete and utter mental breakdown finished with a scream-sob of something that has permeated the whole song; it's too late for me. It's always been too late, even with the help of Her, She who is not like any other and is far more than one could ask for, it's too late.

It's always been too late. She found him in the cold waters, on the verge of drowning in self hatred and tried to pull him up, but he didn't want to get Her hand damp. He is not worthy of it all and he screams for the final time for Her to let go because it's too late.

And then everything stops. We are back to the beginning; the quiet, repeatative beat of an anxious heart.

What makes it worse? Distraction is a loop. Starts on the same chord and ends on the exact same one with the same beat. She comes back again and again but it's still too late.

Distraction is a loop of self hatred laced with the inner turmoil of a Thing that doesn't believe it can ever get better because it fears the help of others. It believes it's not worthy of touch, and so rots in falling further again as it warps into something it never wanted to be; broken into fractions and driven to distraction.

#this one hurts me #I say a lot of their songs hurts me but this one cuts deep to a personal level #I've spoken about this maybe once or twice before but I suffer from chronic insomnia #so I've spent years trying to fix myself and being afraid of the help of others because I physically cannot be myself anymore #I'm riddled with self hatred tiredness and wounds that at this point I myself am stopping from healing #I've always belived it's too late for me- that I'm past the point of no return- and that I'll eventually die from this #so it was quite euphoric to hear someone scream the exact feelings I've been experiencing for my whole life #apologies for the vent #sleep token #st #distraction #distraction sleep token #this place will become your tomb #tpwbyt #mel's rambles

[scr3wu9]

the romanticism in having a history with someone that can never be erased despite being on opposing sides the romanticism in never being able to rid yourself of the care for them that's shamefully rooted so deep inside of you the romanticism in physically needing someone to keep you from dying the romanticism in saving a person one hundred times over just so you get to be the one who kills them the romanticism in destroying the world when it doesn't end up being you

#man i don't even ship them like that #theres just so much here their dynamic makes me feel insane #if the man you hate is suicidal does that mean the worst you can do is keep him alive? #but then there are moments where they seem genuinely worried about each other #so can a hatred run so deep that it becomes a kind of love? #is the hatred just an easier way of showing care? when you've been told all your life to be emotionless? #when there's a power inside of you that could kill you? when the life you live doesn't allow this connection? #anyway smiley face! #bsd #soukoku #bsd dazai #bsd chuuya #j yaps

[sonego]

Fernando Torres’ first goal against Blackburn Rovers | 11.04.2009

for @mietowka

#fernando torres #liverpool fc #lfcedit #lfc #footballedit #premier league #nico.gif #torres #sorryyyyy for being so late!!! but you requested some nando gifs so here they are <3 #everyone just close your eyes at the not so great quality this was 2009 ... #which doesn't feel like that long ago but at the same time feels like centuries ago so #anyway this goal has been imprinted in my mind for over 13 years i'm not lying LIKE!!!!!! #i'm not usually v good at remembering goals like i might remember the goal itself but not against who or when it was scored but this one.. #i never forgot it all this time which. yeah!! tells you the hold this man had over me (lowkey still does ..) #also liverpool circa 2008-2010 is so dear to me like we were shit in 09/10 especially but this was when i started watching/rooting for lfc #so it holds a special place in my heart #yes even if it caused me to have a deep irrational hatred for fiorentina (sorry viola) and various other problems like trust issues etc #SORRY i'm rambling. hope you like this my friend!!

[spicyicymeloncat]

Nightcord Kaito is actually my favourite virtual singer from project sekai. He’s so angry I love him. (I changed his hair to kinda resemble the character from the original Samsa mv)

#pulling myself from the depths of despair to finish this #i was working on an alternative sketch but I couldn't line it and it made me feel bad for days #but I'm glad this turned out okay #gahjsjskskskks #anyways I totally hyperfixated on the commissioned song from the immiscible discord event #Samsa #the name comes from the last name of the main character of the novel: Metamorphosis #which is a story of a man who becomes a bug and starves to death when he feels like he’s become a burden to his family #fucked up #i have so many thoughts about niigo Kaito #about how he’s probably the one vocaloid Mafuyu doesn’t like - because he’s a manifestation of the harsh reality she lives in #and maybe she sees him as an angry monstrous being (like in the song) and she’s afraid of being like him - or that she already is like him #and he’s not only angry at her mother but also angry at Mafuyu for her treatment and reflection of him #essentially he’s like a projection of her own self hatred in a way #he’s got a right to be angry but his anger is directed at himself/Mafuyu but in terms of him and Kanade he’s still a positive and #necessary force to acknowledge the truth of Mafuyu’s treatment #the event hasn’t even come out in English yet and I’m reading way to deep in between the lines lol #project sekai #Kaito #vocaloid Kaito #project sekai Kaito #niigo kaito #art #fanart #digital art #vocaloid

[art-from-the-pantry]

Couldn’t decide which one I prefer, so have both <3

#Look at my boy #He and I share a deep-seated hatred for Valentine's Day #Even if for different reasons but pshh #My Bloody Valentine #Harry Warden #Slashers #Fun fact! There was supposed to be a hand on the breathing tube which pulls him to the left #But I won't upload that version because it feels unfinished #tw blood

[kainisticinstincts]

TBH something I find really interesting is war and Military Sci-fi media that isn't pro war or anti-war fully but portrays war as a majestic and glorious yet terrible and childish thing.

I believe War is morally neutral and even justified in some occasions. Some wars like the NATO interventions in Bosnia and Kosovo, the 1991 Gulf War and of course World War Two are fully justified in my opinion but even justified wars are terrible in it's own way. 2000-3000 Iraqi civilians died because of bombing by coalition forces during the Gulf War. Each of those 2000 was a person with their own hopes and dreams and ambitions who had nothing to do with Saddams decision to invade Kuwait. Still, it was the right thing to do at the time.

War is Majestic. It's beautiful. It's a place where Heroes are made. Sure, you often see the worst of Humanity there but you also see some of the best. Someone I often think about is Helge Mayer, a danish special forces member who transported food and aid for civilians during the bosnian war (a war that showcases some of the worst in humanity.) In an armored 79 Camero with kevlar plates strapped on. That's what I mean by the best in humanity. War is also childish. Everyone in war is person with friends and family who dicks around and makes jokes yet they keep killing each other for no good reason.

I really like war media that goes "Yeah soldiers are monsters and war is stupid and childish and nobody has a good reason to fight each other a lot of the time but these soldiers on both sides are still people who joke, fuck, drink, watch TV Shows and have family and sometimes there are good reasons to fight." It makes the horrors of war, the grand victories and the acts of kindness that much more impactful.

I guess what got me to post this is Israel-Palestine. I'm Arab so seeing videos of Palestinian children playing, praying and feeding stray kittens in their bombed out streets followed by videos of them covered in blood and dirt crying to their parents just hits me differently. Like I have this weird double-think/Cognitive dissonance of "Hamas and the IDF should fight it out themselves. Civilians on neither side don't deserve this." And this deep-seated anger or resentment that "I don't support Hamas and think they should be removed but I understand why the people on the ground at Gaza would."

#What's the name for the double-think where you see your enemies as Human and redeemable but also have a deep-seated hatred of them #Like you know they are people just like trying to live their life but you also wish the worst for them but also you don't want to #I feel that now.

[italianpersonwithashippersheart]

Things I Want from the Next Ep of Only Friends

At least two scenes with Nick and Sand being friends. We didn't get enough, I want more of the two of them!!

Related, I kind of want a scene with Nick and Ray. I want to become weirdly close friends and both Boston and Sand finding a little weird (not in a jelous way, more in like I am not sure how I feel about this way).

The start of a storyline for Chuem and April (I have some ideas of possibilities)

Any hints about Top and Sand backstory (seriously I need answears!!!) @respectthepetty Looks like we will have to wait at least until the next episode or more to know why these two hate each other!!

SIDE NOTE: I have a new theory, what if they were both dating the same person for a while? Like Sand was in an open relationship and the person he was dating was also sleeping with Top??

Anything that can help me understand why Mew is willing to be be Top and ingore all the red flags. Seriously this man has avoided all relationship so far, why is Top special, why ignore all the signals that Top is not the one for him. Why Top???

#txt #that's all i can think of so far #i am sure there will be more #this show as consumed my entaire self #only friends #only friends the series #ofts #the sand theory is because he seems to be wary of ray's friends who have sex weird realtionship #but i also believe him when he said he only sleep with people more then once if they are dating #him having being an open not clearly defined relationship and that person also being with top would explain their hatred #and the feeling we all get from sand that he knows this is a bad idea #because he has done it before #it would be even more interesting if the person sand had been dating had a crush on top #that would be a real oh my god i can't believe i am doing this a second time kind of situation #but it could be something else #it could also not be that deep #maybe it's just that he thinks he is an asshole #but i don't know #the comment of maybe you just don't know how to take care of what is yours kind of feels personal #and about more then just ray and mew

[lexa-griffins]

How did Lexa react when she found out about Clarke's dick

Okay okay so about this I have thoughts!

Because of the way June has such a view about men being inherently violent and given her trauma, Lexa was taught that their violent ways, especially their sexual violent ways, came from their dick.

Now, being a lesbian like her grandmother Lexa, both never thought she'd sleep with someone with a dick unless there was violence involved. She was sheltered and fed narratives from a deeply traumatized woman, and as much as she sometimes down right hates her grandmother, she knew there was some truth to her view from the life experiences of the women around her and her own father.

So I think Lexa is at first shocked, like a bucket of cold water was thrown on her. Almost like a fear of what being with a woman who she loves has a dick could mean for her - as if Clarke was to end up hurting her for the simple fact of her having a dick.

It's clear from her reaction to Clarke that Lexa might not want to do this with her anymore, and while the reason /why/ is clear, Clarke does try not to act like it affects her.

Their first time would be desperate and slow as well. When Clarke starts getting dressed and telling Lexa it's fine if she is having second thoughts, Lexa feels panicked at the thought of ruining things with Clarke. Not sex, but the idea that now that her and this amazing woman are finally developing their relationship, she is about to ruin it for a trauma that isn't even hers to carry.

Lexa pulls Clarke back to bed and kisses her, apologizing to her about her reaction. Maybe Clarke would have had a different attitude towards Lexa after her reaction if Lexa didn't look so damn honest and vulnerable and so in love with her. Because when Lexa apologizes she never once looks down, instead staring right into Clarke's eyes.

It is different from what Lexa was accustomed with Costia, but Clarke is gentle with her, reminsing her she does not have to do anything she doesn't want to, but Lexa has this burning need to be as close as possible to Clarke. And that kind of surpasses all the things she was told over and over again by her grandmother because even with their relationship just starting Lexa is most sure of something and that is that she loves this woman more than she ever did anyone and that she feels a safety with her she last feel in her mother's arms.

#letter opened #do i think june and the flowers are outright transphobic? no #but i dont think thornfield would be a place where a trans woman would feel fully safe tbh #and June would definitely be VERY untrusting of Clarke #but Lexa refuses to let her grandmother's trauma dictate her life #she loves Clarke too fucking much to have June try to poison her against her #even if at a distance #is thay makes sense #i have a lot of thoughts about June and how she'd handle a trans woman at thornfield #traumatized woman with a deep fear of men who all but seem to believe men are biologically made to be violent #surrounding herself with women with rhe same experiences as her #who raised her son always expecting him to show his true colors and when it did she felt like it was just confirmation of her thoughts #she couldn't even take her grandson in #thats why i love how June is portrait #because you see the way she acted with her son and you dont support her #even knowing how he turns out #she was a woman traumatized by men who surrounded herself with women traumatized by men #who has such a hatred towards men #im rambling

[singswan-springswan]

sorry if I come on strong my love language is bullying people

#this feels illegal and counterintuitive #i be politeing my shebs off to people I don't like #meanwhile insulting my friend's entire ancestry and their carpet #somehow got it in my mind that verbal sparring is a bonding moment #probably because it involves me being witty #which is also often synonymous with me being funny #and if we're laughing and having a good time together then we must be bonding don't you think #the operative word here is “together” #I will never say anything mean to someone I genuinely dislike #I just hold all my hatred in and bury it very deep inside and hope it burns out before I have to interact with them again #If I'm verbally eviscerating you it's because I love you so much #sorry #lmk if it's not a vibe