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ssa-dg · 3 years

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Walls are Built to be Knocked Down

Overview: this takes place in season 7 episode 2. You joined the BAU after the death of Emily and JJ’s departure. However when they both come back, everyone is shook up.

TW: mentions of drugs, murder, rape (it takes place in the episode). Adult themes

Relationship: Spencer Reid x (female) reader

Word count: 3352

Author’s note: so I have been wanting to write another short story about Spencer but couldn’t get myself to do it. Glad I got inspired by episode 2 of season 7. This is when Spencer is still mad at JJ about Emily. The unsub is the one who is neuro-divergent and is obsessed with his brother’s wife. If you have any suggestions on how to write a better Spencer Reid, I would love that. I struggle with writing an accurate Reid because he is supposed to be so smart and I’m the type of person who has been told she’s “dumb” so it’s an insecurity of mine. Give me advice if you have any just be nice. P.S. the formatting on this is so weird. I don’t have my laptop rn because it’s getting fixed and the mobile version of this app sucks lol

You and Spencer were never really good friends. You two were good coworkers and you always got along well, but it took Spencer a lot to let people behind his wall. So when you joined the team from the whit collar unit, after Emily’s death. You could tell everyone on your new team was grieving, and because you didn’t know them all that well you didn’t pry. Though slowly each member let things slide to you about their grieving. You didn’t expect that to happen but you weren’t surprised. You were always a reliable person, old friends would come out of nowhere just to talk to you about their problems, or random people in cabs, on the subway, etc. You just had that air about you, one that was dependable, nonjudgmental, and understanding. Your family called it your superpower.

So when Emily turned out to be alive and JJ and Hotch knew the whole time, the team was stunned. You didn’t fully comprehend the travesty of what they went through but you understood the pain and relief that accompanied them. Knowing they probably had 100 million different conflicting emotions swirling in them you suspected they’d be going through “it” the next months.

As JJ walked into the BAU with Prentiss talking about how she had passed all the qualifications to finally become a profiler, JJ saw Spencer come out of the elevator. “Hey, where have you been?” JJ asked him, “I wanted to do brunch this weekend”

“I had to deal with some stuff with my mom,” he flipped through the pages in a file to avoid eye contact with his friend, “have you seen Y/N?” he finished.

“Uh, she’s at her desk I think,” Spencer sped off to your desk. “He hates me,” JJ finished.

You sat at your desk looking over case files when Spencer came rushing up to you. “Hey, Y/N,” he greeted you and looked around.

“What’s up?” You asked expecting there to be a reason he came to your desk.

“Nothing just wanted to say hi,” he saw JJ and Prentiss go into the round table room.

“Well, hi,” you laughed and followed his gaze to your two co-workers. “Ahh, I see,” you said out loud.

His head looked down at you,” what do you mean ‘ahh, I see,’?” He was obviously annoyed by your statement.

You raised your hands up in surrender, “nothing, nothing. Shall we go?” You stood up and tilted your head towards the conference room. He nodded his head.

When you guys walked in and you went to sit in an open seat next to Morgan, Spencer lightly grabbed your elbow and pulled you the opposite way and had you sit between him Emily and JJ. You just looked at him knowing what he was doing. Although you gave him a glare to indicate you didn’t like being manhandled by him, you secretly enjoyed it. You were unsure why it did it but it created a feeling in you that you were not ready to associate with your coworker. He just gave you a bit of a ‘don’t-say-anything’ glare and looked back down at the file. You rolled your eyes and felt Prentiss looking at you. You shrugged your shoulders as if to say ‘I don’t know why he just did that’.

In walked Rossi and Garcia, “look master of all things Italian, I am having a Fellini festival at my house this weekend and I must serve the beautiful food of his country.” Garcia insisted.

“Maybe you should show a Disney movie and stick with burgers,” Rossi responded, still a bit offended by the pig substitute.

“You know, Rossi, you could always give Penelope a cooking lesson,” Derek suggested.

“I could help,” you spoke up from across the table. Everyone looked at you confused, “You all act like I’m not Italian. I used to go back there every summer to visit my extended family,” you rolled your eyes and defended yourself.

“Oh my gosh that would be amazing. That would be like- that would be like the iron chef meets the BAU,” Garcia looked back and forth between you and Rossi. You felt Spencer’s eyes on you and looked at him. His scrunched up eyebrows and set jaw told you that he didn’t know that about you or maybe he forgot. You just smiled at him, and tilted your head like it was nothing.

“And we could do it at your house,” Garcia looked over at Rossi.

“I don’t have a house. I have a mansion,” he laughed.

“All right let’s get started,” Hotch instructed.

Everytime JJ talked at the round table, Reid couldn’t even look at her. He kept his gaze down and you saw the muscle in his jaw bone tighten as he clenched his it. The victims were girls who all looked the same, helping a bit to narrow down the victimology. The dump sights also helped narrow down the geographical, although nothing was ever set in stone right off the bat. Everytime Spencer spoke you could tell there was hidden meaning beneath it all directed towards JJ.

On the jet you dug in deeper into the case. You started to notice Spencer stuck close to you, as if you were an extra layer of shielding from JJ. He sat next to you and when JJ spoke he’d either look down at the files in his hands or at your files in your hand. “Dave you and I will talk to the parents.Y/LN head over with us to the police station, and get us set up. Go over what they have and talk to the detectives. Morgan and Prentiss go to the disposal sites. JJ, you and Reid to the abduction sites,” Hotch ordered. JJ gave a soft smile to Spencer and you felt him tighten up next to you, and look away from her. Her smile faded into concern and annoyance and looked at you for help. You just shrugged unsure how to help.

Once you collected all the information on the crime board at the station you helped out Hotch and Rossi at the coroner's office. Then you got the call that there was a third victim. There he burned the woman’s tongue with sulfuric acid. As you, Rossi, JJ, and Reid looked over the body. The quips JJ and Reid were throwing at each other was escalating quickly.

“— instead of dealing with it. He’s acting out,” JJ looked up at Reid as she spoke about the unsub but also meant it for Reid. If looks could inflict pain, the look Reid responded to JJ with would have seriously injured her. Spencer walked off in anger. JJ looked around for help, or maybe back up. You looked at her giving her ‘I’ll take care of it’ look and went after Spencer.

Once you caught up to him and tried to talk to him he wasn’t having it. He quickly dived into perfecting the profile and ignored all conversation about anything else. He was reinforcing the walls he built around himself.

Now back at the station, you all delivered the profile to the police force. Spencer was still not looking at JJ.

Once the profile was delivered Spencer went into the room where the BAU was working out of, JJ following him.

“Spence. Look we gotta talk about this,” JJ insisted.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he responded.

“I get it, okay? You’re disappointed with the way we handled Emily,”

“Listen I have a lot going on alright,”

“You know what I think it is, you’re mad that Hotch and I were able to hold our micro-expressions at the hospital. And you weren’t able to detect our deception,” JJ finally getting angry and defending herself.

“You think it’s about my profiling skills? Jennifer, listen the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I trusted you. I came to your house for ten weeks in a row crying over losing a friend,” the tears beginning to well in both of their eyes, “and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth.”

“I couldn’t,”

“You couldn’t or you wouldn’t,”

“I couldn’t,” she shouted and defended herself.

“What if I started taking dilaudid again. Would you have let me?” he asked.

“You didn’t,” she answered, confused why he was asking.

“Yeah, but I thought about it,” he confessed, and hurt even more that she didn’t realize how low he actually was during that time.

“Spence,” she called out as he tried to walk away, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late, all right?” He walked away from her.

“Reid,” Emily called for him and looked back at JJ.

You followed Spencer out the door. You knew it was risky to seek him out right now but you couldn’t help yourself. You had to try and help him. You couldn’t explain the pull he had on you right now but you usually followed your instincts and they hadn’t let you down yet.

“Spencer, wait up,” you tried to catch up to his long strides.

“Are you here to tell me off, or ask me to apologize to JJ? Because if so, don’t waste your breath. I’m not going to,” he angrily twirled around to you, which made you stop yourself before running into him.

“I wasn’t — I wasn’t going to say that. I know why you’re mad. And I think the way your acting is justified, maybe a bit immature but it’s justified,” you answered.

Spencer looked confused at your response then angrily he said “why am I acting this way then? Why am I so justified?” He was testing you in some way. If you said the wrong thing he’d yell at you too, and he would build that wall around himself so high no one would ever be allowed in again. He was hurting and right now he felt like hurting others was the only way to feel like he was in control.

“You feel betrayed. You understand why Emily had to fake her death. You understand why no one on the team was allowed to know but you don’t understand why JJ was in on it and how she kept her cool. You don’t understand how she could watch your heart break over the loss of a loved one and stand there with the knowledge to save you from all your grieving. JJ is your best friend, you trust her and love her. And best friends are supposed to help take away the pain, and you feel betrayed and taken advantage of because of that,” you finished. You could tell by the look he gave you that the wall he was building was not prepared for you to hit it so hard it cracked. His face went from openness and feeling seen, to defensive and angry at you not giving him a reason to yell at you. “You want her to understand and feel the pain she caused you. which might be why you are acting out? But when the time comes you’ll forgive her because you know deep down what you need JJ and her friendship and eventually you’ll remember all she did for you. Right now you’re hurting, but the way you get rid of that pain isn’t about being mean or hurting her, you’ll need to remember your love for your friend. And find it in yourself if you can forgive her. Am I right?” You asked him, but you already knew the answer. He let out a sigh and looked down at you. He looked at you for the first time in all his time of knowing you. You understood what he was going through more so than his closest friend, and even more so than some of his teammates who had known him for years. How could he have overlooked you for so long. He quickly looked down at your lips and the tension between you two changed. The breathing between you two became heavy and noticeable. He turned quickly and stormed off.

Eventually you all caught the unsub and saved the young girl. This time on the plane though Spencer sat in the back. He spread his stuff across the table indicating he didn’t want anyone to sit there. You took the hint, and even though you had never been close to Spencer other than him using you today for an emotional defense, you felt a coldness being away from him. A coldness, you didn’t even want to know where it would lead you.

Emily walked back to him after a short time on the plane. You could tell what she was doing and thought it was a good idea. You looked at them and analysed their behaviors. You saw the shift in them as Emily laughed for a second and from the back of Spencer you saw him move in his seat to avoid the subject. Emily leaned in as she began to explain her side of what had happened. Spencer was still mad, but by the way his shoulders sloped he was more tired than angry.

You got dressed up in one of your favorite black dresses with knee high black boots and a fancy long coat. As you pulled into the parking lot, you were a bit self conscious about what you were about to do.

You walked up the steps, found the door you were looking for, and knocked lightly. You heard some shuffling around and then heard the door unlock.

“Hey,” you spoke softly as you took in Spencer standing before you. He quickly looked you up and down and smiled, “what are you doing here? I thought you were helping Rossi teach the others how to cook?” He asked.

“Well I was, but I thought my friend might need me more tonight,” you softly smiled at him. “I was wondering if you wanted to go get something to eat,” you shyly asked, “or if you have plans, we can do something another time,” You looked at his attire and enjoyed the blue sport coat he was wearing, along with the colorful shirt under it. His hair was brushed with a light amount of product in it. It was like he was ready to go out.

“No, I was actually going to go to Rossi’s,” he admitted and you knew what that meant for him. It was more than going to Rossi’s, it was actually forgiving JJ and Emily.

“Well, I can take us, if you want,” you offered as you jingled your keys in front of him.

He gave a soft laugh, and nodded his head as he grabbed his stuff from his apartment.

“I just need to stop somewhere real quick to pick something up,” you added.

When you showed up to Rossi’s you were obviously late. But the smile on everyone’s face as Spencer walked in the room was worth it. You walked behind them with your arms wrapped around Derek and let everyone take in Spencer. You quickly handed Rossi, the cannoli’s you made and brought for desert.

After everyone said hello and got to cheers their wine glasses, it was time to cook. Instead of you cooking, Rossi decided you needed to help supervise. As you reminded everyone what the texture of the pasta had to be, and how the pancetta should look like cooked, you felt yourself always catching Spencer’s eyes and smiling.

“What’s that about?” Emily asked from behind you.

You turned startled by her, “what do you mean?”

“You and Reid, you guys came together and now you won’t keep your eyes off of each other. So what’s going on?” She asked.

You shook your head, “nothing is going on. I just gave Spencer a ride,” you responded.

“Uh-huh,” Emily skeptically looked at you. You rolled your eyes at her. Once you knew Emily wasn’t looking you slipped a glance at Spencer again and saw him smiling and laughing at something Garcia said. You couldn’t help but smile at them.

“I should say thank you,” you heard JJ say behind you.

You turned and looked at him, “why?” You asked a bit confused.

“You brought Spencer here, and he’s talking to me again. I can’t help but think you had something to do with that,” she answered.

“I didn’t do anything. He came to that conclusion on his own,” you responded.

“Well, either way, thank you for being there for him. I know he has a hard time opening up and trusting people,” she whispered. You nodded your head unsure how to respond. Out of everyone on the team you knew JJ and Emily the least as they weren’t on the team when you joined and had just returned.

As the finishing touches were put on everyone’s pasta you took a seat at Rossi’s big dinner table. You were used to sitting next to Garcia and Rossi. You expected the same people to sit near you but Spencer was quick to steal the seat where Garcia usually sat. You looked up at the young doctor standing over you as he placed a bowl of pasta in front of you. His smile told you everything. The weight of his anger had lifted and he felt rejuvenated. You gave him an odd look as he placed his glass of wine in the spot next to you. He just gave you a goofy face back. You ignored it, but you couldn’t help the feeling bubbling in your chest as you over thought him picking the seat next to you instead of next to the others like JJ, Emily or Derek.

You felt bloated after your meal but it didn’t really matter to you because you felt loved. With your Italian heritage, eating and sharing moments like this is where you felt most loved. This was no exception. You loved this BAU family that you were a part of. As the night went on and moved from the dining table to outside in Rossi’s backyard. You crawled into a loveseat couch and Spencer followed and sat next to you. You pulled a blanket off the back of the seat and draped it across you both. Spencer smiled in gratefulness.

“Say Grazie to the wonderful Y/N, for making and bringing the cannoli,” he announced and brought out the delish Italian treat.

“Oh my gosh I love cannoli,” squealed Garcia. Each person grabbed one and a silence fell over the group as they ate their cannoli. You couldn’t help but snuggle into Spencer a bit as the night moved forward and the talking kept going.

Slowly people left. Hotch was one of the first to go as he had to get back to Jack, then Derek and Garcia, next was JJ and Emily, and you and Reid.

The drive back to Spencer’s was filled with music theory facts, as the two of you got on the subject because you played your favorite songs playlist. One by one you each played songs that mean something to you. You enjoyed hearing the songs that made Spencer Reid, Spencer. They were all over the spectrum of music from classical to pop to indie to folk. You two sat in the parking lot for about an hour before you felt yourself yawning often.

“I should go so you can get home,” Spencer noted sadly.

“Unfortunately, I think you’re right,” you agreed.

“Unfortunately?” His right eyebrow was raised flirtatiously.

You blushed, “yeah, I had a fun night with you.” You looked down in embarrassment.

Spencer moved to place his hand on yours. He hesitated for a second then covered your hand. “I had a fun night too,” he admitted. You looked up at him and smiled.

“Good, because I still owe you a dinner,” you added playfully.

Spencer pulled his lips in and bit them, then let them slide out into a soft smile. “I look forward to it,” he responded.

He waited at the apartment complex entrance for you to pull away.

The memory of tonight would be one you cherished for a long time.

#criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fic #david rossi #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #derek morgan #criminal minds season 7 fanfics #criminal minds imagines #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x reader #ssa-dg

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cherrycheolcoups · 3 years

Note

Please please would you do a one shot that take place in season 3 episode 20. And the reader is jealous and hurt of hotch being close to Kaye Joyner and getting mad when he takes his side over Morgan's. They could already be in a relationship or not. if you would like. :) thank you

hey, anon! thanks for requesting! i wasn’t sure if you wanted it to be fem!reader, male!reader or gn!reader so i went ahead and chose gn!reader. i kind of got carried away and it became longer than i was intending, but i hope this is to your liking. enjoy! :)

pairing: aaron hotchner x gn!reader

You were at your desk doing some paperwork while trying to ignore Morgan when JJ had came and said there was a case. Getting up, you and the rest of the team made your way to the conference room where the team was usually debriefed of the case. However, as soon as everyone walked in, Hotch had said, “Don’t get comfortable. There’ll be time to debrief on the plane” without even turning around to look at anyone. Clearing your throat a little bit, you look to your boyfriend. “Where are we headed, exactly?” You asked, Hotch still having yet to turn around from the screen where a clip of the murder was playing. “New York,” he had simply answered.

Rossi then spoke up. “5 shootings in 2 weeks. It’s about time we got the call.” You see he finally turns around and looks at Rossi for a moment before looking to Emily when she asks a question. “What do we know?” “All the killings are mid-day. Single gunshot to the head with a .22,” Hotch had answered. “Any witnesses?” JJ pipes up and asks, her hands on her hips. Shaking his head a little bit, Hotch tells her no before looking to Reid when he starts to speak up. “.22-caliber pistol’s only 152 decibels. New York streets and subways are routinely well over 100. It could be people aren’t even registering the gunshot until the unsub’s already leaving the scene.”

You look to your right and listen to Morgan when he says, “They sound like mob hits.” Then, you look to your boyfriend when he responds. “Except none of them have ties to organized crime.” “Do they have any connection to each other?” Emily asked. “None they’ve found,” Aaron told her. “How about communication with the police? Has the unsub tried to make contact?” Morgan asked next. Aaron turns to look at the screen as he answers. “Surveillance cameras have captured video of 3 of the murders. This is the latest,” he says as he clicks a button on the remote and a video comes up on the screen. “That’s the best image they have?” JJ asks Hotch. “They’re all the same. He wears a hood and keeps his head down,” Aaron answers. Emily begins to speak. “This guy’s bold. Crowded areas, broad daylight.” Rossi furrows his brows a bit as he asks, “So they’re completely random?” “It seems that way,” Hotch says. You sigh softly and cross your arms over your chest. This whole thing just gives you a bad feeling.

“Son of Sam all over again,” Reid said. “Wheels up in 30,” you hear your boyfriend say as he then exits the room, probably to go back to his office and grab his go bag. You and the rest of the team all start to pile out of the room as well. Everyone returned to their desks to retrieve their go bags. Derek got hit and said he was going to get Garcia, to which everyone simply shrugged. After you got your go bag, it was time to board the jet. Once on the jet, you chose to sit next to Emily. Besides Aaron, she was the person you were closest with on the team. Though, to everyone else, Emily was the only person you were closest with. None of the others knew about you and Hotch. Well...except maybe for Rossi if the way he looks at you and Aaron sometimes is anything to go by.

You look to the entrance of the plane when you hear Garcia’s voice. “How come I only get to travel with you guys like once every 2 years?” Derek was the next one to talk. “Trust me, Mama. It can get old.” Garcia moved to sit one sit in front of JJ as she turned and set her bag in the chair behind her as she answered. “Oh, right. Like the way that spa treatments in 5-star hotels can get old,” she had said. Emily piped up while looking at Morgan. “Remember the time we got on board and they hadn’t chilled the cristal?” Morgan looked at Prentiss and answered. “Ooh. I almost quit the B.A.U. that day.” This encounter made you laugh some. It was nice when you guys got to joke around for a moment before remembering where you were. You notice Hotch looking at you from the corner of your eye, though you weren’t going to give in and return his stare. Rossi was sitting right in front of Aaron after all.

Garcia stood and looked at Derek. “You know what? You guys can joke all you want ‘cause I am never leaving this plane.” This made you smile to hear how Garcia just loved the plane. You smiled at Emily when she nudged your shoulder with her own once she sat down. Turning back to look at Hotch, Rossi, and Reid, you turn serious once again. “The victims?” You hear Rossi ask as he sets the photos down on the table. “Each killed in a completely different neighborhood. Hell’s Kitchen, Murray Hill, Lower East Side, Chinatown, East Harlem,” Aaron told Rossi, though looking at all of the team. “It doesn’t make any sense,” Reid says with a shake of his head. “There’s no common victimology, no sexual component, no robbery, no geographical connection. Do the police have any leads?”

“He’s killing roughly every 2 days. The press is having a field day, and it sounds like the mood on the street’s getting pretty edgy,” Aaron spoke as he leaned forward a little bit. “It’s a joint FBI-NYPD taskforce?” Rossi asks. Aaron simply nods his head before answering. “Kate Joyner heads up the New York field office. She’s running point on the case and called me directly,” he says before looking past Rossi and to JJ. “JJ, would you tell them we’re ready to go?” “Right,” JJ says as she pulls her phone out of her pocket. “Kate’s starting to butt heads with the lead detectives and wanted a fresh set of eyes.”

“Joyner, I know her. She’s a Brit, right?” Morgan asked Hotch. “Well, dual citizenship. Her father’s British, her mother’s American. She was a big deal at Scotland Yard before coming to the Bureau.” “I heard she can be a little bit of a pain in the ass,” Morgan says next. Aaron shakes his head a little bit while looking at Derek. “I didn’t think so.” Emily looked at Hotch. “You know her?” She had asked. At this point, you were a little confused and a little upset, but you couldn’t convey that since you were supposed to be doing a job and the team didn’t know about the two of you, either.

“We liaised when she was still at Scotland Yard,” Hotch told Prentiss. Rossi then asked, “And she’s good?” Hotch looked to Rossi. “I think we’re lucky to have her.” This didn’t sit right with you, but you chose to try and ignore it for now. It was in the past, if anything had happened with him and this Kate Joyner you guys would be seeing. You looked out the window and felt Emily nudge you again. “You okay, (Y/N)?” You nodded your head and gave her a smile. “Yeah, yeah I’m okay.”

A little while later, you guys were now piled into the elevator, going to the floor you needed to go to. Once it dinged and opened, everyone got out, Hotch taking the lead. You were standing with Garcia and JJ, and clenched your jaw when you heard what JJ asked the two of you. “Is it just me or does she look exactly like Haley?” You didn’t want to see it, but there was no denying that Kate Joyner looked like Haley, and that didn’t make you feel any better about hiding your relationship from the team. You watched the two interact. “Kate.” “Aaron. How have you been?” Oh, so on a first name basis? That was not what you had wanted to hear.

You didn’t want to be jealous. You wanted to give Aaron the benefit of the doubt and come clean to you later if he so chose to do so, but you couldn’t fight the feeling itching under your skin. “Well, thank you. This is my team. Kate Joyner, this is David Rossi, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia, Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid, and (Y/N) (Y/L/N),” Aaron tells her, pointing everyone out as he said their name. Kate nods. “Thanks for being here. Anything that you need, just tell me. Please don’t stand on protocol,” at this point her voice was just starting to grate your nerves, especially when she was talking to your boyfriend.

“What can you tell us about the city’s surveillance system?” Garcia had asked. “Um, it’s run by the NYPD. It’s still in the infant stages. It’s been rather controversial. American privacy laws. Um, but they’ve had some success,” Kate had told her. “And I’ll have complete access?” Garcia asked. “They’re already expecting you. Shelley?” During that entire time, you noticed how Aaron hadn’t taken his eyes off Kate. You tried to ignore it, but the thought stayed. Garcia pushed past to go. “I’d like to get a map of the borough. I want to do a comprehensive geographical profile of the area in order to ascertain the unsub’s mental ma before it’s clouded by our own linkage blindness,” you hear Reid say as two detectives walk up and stand next to him. The shorter one remarked, “I see you brought your own computer.” You didn’t like him already. “Detectives Brustin and Cooper. I’ll let you do the introductions,” Kate spoke.

“You caught the first shooting?” Rossi had asked. “They’ve all been in different precincts. It wasn’t until the third murder that anyone even made the connection,” Detective Cooper had told him. “I guess this is where we play nice and ask you what you need,” Detective Brustin told the team. You really didn’t like this guy and his attitude. Kate let out a little bit of a laugh while she spoke. “I’ll let you all figure out what that is. I just ask that you run everything back through me. It’s been my experience that having one butt on the line is enough,” she says, looking at Detective Brustin who looked away and said, “Yes, Ma’am.” The next thing you saw really made you mad, and at this point there was probably steam coming from your ears.

You watched as Kate stepped closer to your boyfriend and ask to “have a word with him in private.”��“Sure,” was your boyfriend’s response. You crossed your arms over your chest and furrowed your brows. Emily and JJ shared a look with each other. You notice Rossi was looking at you from the corner of your eye. Sometimes, Rossi just knew too much. You watched as Aaron and Kate walked into her office. You didn’t like how close they were standing to each other. It just made your blood boil. “Woah, sweetness. What’s got you all red?” You hear Morgan ask you, to which you sighed and bit your lip, trying to decide if you should just come clean.

“I...I probably shouldn’t say it here where all these officers could hear, but um...Aaron and I are...seeing each other. And have for some time now,” you told them quietly, making sure no one else was in ear shot. “So that would explain everything, then,” you hear Emily say as she then walked over to you and placed a comforting hand on your arm. “You trust Hotch, right?” She quietly asked you. At this, you gave her a confused look but nodded your head. “Yeah, of course. I trust him with my life.” “Then, okay. There should be nothing to worry about, (Y/N),” she told you. You sighed and nodded your head. “You’re right, Em. I’m sorry,” you apologized while shaking your head.

A little while later, you were at the next crime scene with Kate, Derek, Detective Cooper, Detective Brustin, and Aaron. During that time, there seemed to be some tension between Kate and Morgan, and you didn’t like how she talked to him. You watch and listen as Morgan looks to Aaron. “You mind telling me why I’m catching attitude from her?” Aaron hesitates for a moment before he answers. “FBI brass has made it clear to her that if she doesn’t bring this case home, she’s gonna be reassigned, and you are at the top of the list to replace her,” your boyfriend explains to Derek.

Derek looks at him. “You’re kidding me.” “Why should you be surprised? You’re good at your job. People notice that,” Aaron told him. Derek turns away for a moment before turning back to Hotch. “What happened to the bureau patting itself on the back for stealing her away from Scotland Yard?” Aaron shrugs a little while shaking his head. “I don’t know. Politics here are different. And you can see she doesn’t pull punches,” Aaron said as he then walked away from the two of you. You and Morgan share a look before sighing and walking away as well. You really didn’t like how your boyfriend was sticking up for Kate the way he was.

After you guys find out there’s more than one unsub, you look at Kate when she asked if there was enough for a working profile. “Broad strokes,” was Rossi’s reply. “Dave, you and Reid talk to the agents here. Morgan, Prentiss and (Y/L/N), brief the police when each shift comes on duty tomorrow,” at Aaron’s demand, you nod your head. Morgan looks at Hotch. “I think we should get out on the streets,” was Derek’s reply. That was when Kate decided to speak to him. “I brought you here to create a profile,” she told him. “Which we can give in the morning, and then they can share it with the afternoon shift,” Derek told her. You really didn’t like how Kate Joyner was talking to Derek.

“We’ve allocated every extra man we have. This is New York City. It’s not like a few more people is going to blanket the city,” came Kate’s reply. “I understand it’s a long shot, but these guys, they hit at mid-day. We could target Ingress and Egress to particular neighborhoods. Position us near express stops- 14th, 42nd, 59th-” Morgan was saying, but got interrupted by Aaron. “Morgan, it’s not your call,” your boyfriend told Derek with a shake of his head. You rolled your eyes and walked off, not liking how he just took Kate’s side and not Derek’s.

After being done at the office, you guys went to the hotel. You laughed some at a joke Emily made as you guys walked in, Aaron holding the door for everyone. You guys made your way to the lobby before stopping when Reid motioned for JJ to look behind her. You, Aaron, Emily, and JJ turn around and spot Will. This made you smile. You were always rooting for them. Walking over, you guys look between Will and JJ. Will looks at Aaron and returns his handshake. “Detective,” Aaron had said to him.

“I’m sorry for showing up like this. I know you’re working. But, um...I can’t stand you being on this case and me not being here, not with what’s going on,” Will told JJ. This made you a little confused. ‘With what’s going on?’ You asked yourself. Aaron tilted his head a little as he looked at Will. “Is there a problem?” He asked. JJ slightly scoffs before turning around to look at the rest of you. “I’m pregnant,” she says. This brought a smile to your face as you pulled her in for a hug, missing the look in Aaron’s eyes as he watches. “We’re so happy for you guys,” you told her, to which she had hugged back and thanked you.

Then you pulled away, still smiling after hearing the news. “I’ve asked JJ to marry me,” you hear Will say. “Will,” JJ had turned around and scolded. “We’re still working out some kinks,” he told the group. Aaron nodded. “We’ll, uh, give you both some privacy.” And with that, your boyfriend had started to walk away until JJ stopped him. “Hotch.” He turned around and looked at her. “JJ, you could have told me,” he said to her, a small smile on his face. “I know,” was JJ’s response.

You, Aaron, Spencer, and Emily leave the two of them alone and retire to your rooms. You were debating on stopping at Aaron’s, but decided against it. Instead, you went towards Emily’s room, softly rapping your knuckles against the door. A few seconds later, Prentiss opens the door and ushers you into the room. “Hey, (Y/N). Not talking to Hotch now?” She teased. You smiled some and shrugged. “Eh. I was going to...but I’m not sure what to say without getting upset over the whole Kate thing. I don’t want to dump that on him right now. Not while we’re working a case.”

“That’s understandable. But you do know you have to talk about it with him eventually, right?” Emily pressed, looking at you. You sighed and nodded your head. “Yeah...I know.” A little while later, after having a few too many drinks with Emily, your addled brain supplied you with going to Aaron’s room. You hesitated at the door for a moment before knocking. Better now than never, you figured. Almost immediately, the door had opened, as if he were impatiently awaiting your presence.

“(Y/N)...are you alright?” Your boyfriend asked you, concern and worry etched into his features as he gently pulled you in, shutting the door behind the both of you. “Yeah. I just spent a little time with Emily, not to worry over,” you assured him, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Nothing to worry over? You’re drunk,” Aaron had told her. “Yeah, well...it’s what I needed after today,” you told him. With this information, he studies you for a moment. “What are you talking about?” He asked, confused about what happened to cause you to drink this much.

“You and Kate. I don’t like it. Plus...the team ended up finding out about us,” you said, yawning some as you kicked off your shoes and laid down on the bed. “That’s what this is about? Kate? You’re not jealous are you?” Aaron asked. At your silence, he scoffed, shaking his head. “Unbelievable. You have no reason to be jealous. Nothing’s ever happened between Kate and I and nothing ever will,” he told you. For now, in your current state, it out you at ease.

The next day, you guys were listening to Garcia as she explained that the unsub was getting away. You were beyond frustrated, and so was Morgan. “We could’ve had that guy,” Derek said. Kate spoke next. “Even if we were on that platform, odds are he would have moved on to someone isolated.” At this point, Morgan started raising his voice a little. “Maybe, but it was worth taking a shot.” Kate and Derek looked at each other. “We had every available man on the street,” Kate told him.

Morgan got a little closer to the desk. “And I suggested to you that you use this team,” he had told her. Aaron looked at Derek. “Second-guessing doesn’t do us any good right now,” Aaron told him. “Hotch, how am I supposed to look these cops in the eye and tell them that we’re actually here to help them?” Morgan asked him. “We’re here to present a profile. That’s what we need to do.” Aaron was all too calm about this, you thought.

“I said to put us at express stops, 14th, 42nd, 59th, and that’s exactly where they hit,” Morgan pushed. “It’s not your place to have this discussion,” Aaron told him. At this, you pursed your lips and watched them. “My place?” Derek asked. “You need to back off,” came your boyfriend’s reply. “We got 7 bodies, man.”

“Which is exactly why we need to stay focused,” Aaron told him sternly. “Focused.” Derek got closer to Hotch. “From where I’m standing, all your focus is on her,” you heard him say, which didn’t surprise you that he would bring this up. “Talk a walk. Now,” Aaron told him. You and Rossi looked at each other. You really didn’t like the tension in the air and quickly walked away, ignoring your boyfriend calling your name. You couldn’t deal with him right now.

You only made it to the door when Aaron had caught your arm, stopping you from going any further. “Let go, Aaron,” you said through gritted teeth, trying your best to not show any other emotion. Really, all you wanted to do was go home and scream and cry into a pillow or something. “(Y/N). Talk to me. You never storm off like that.” “Yeah? Well, my boyfriend also never adamantly takes someone’s side like that,” you spat, shrugging his hand off and leaving the office, getting into one of the SUVs and driving back to the hotel.

Sometime later, Aaron found himself knocking on the door of your hotel room. “(Y/N). Please open the door. Let’s talk about this. Please...” you hear your boyfriend ask. You sigh and let him in, going back and sitting on the bed while having your arms crossed over your chest. “I know you’re upset with me right now. I know that this might take some time before it passes. I just want you to know that I do love you. And that I truly am sorry for you feeling this way. But please understand we’re not here to over step. Simply to give a profile. This is the NYPD’s investigation. And Kate happens to be the lead. Trust me when I say, nothing is going on between Kate and I. I only want you. Okay?” Aaron spoke softly, his hands encasing yours in his own, his eyes peering into yours the way he always does.

After thinking about it for a moment, you sigh and close your eyes, the tears finally escaping your eyes as you hug Aaron tightly, burying your face in his neck. Aaron closed his eyes and engulfed you in a hug, pressing a kiss to your temple. “It’s all going to be okay, baby. I’m here,” he whispered into your ear. You eventually nodded and calmed down some, pulling away from him as you wiped your eyes. “I-I’m sorry...” you told him. Aaron gently cupped your face in his big hands, his thumbs stroking your cheekbones. “You have nothing to be sorry about. Truly,” he said, pressing a kiss to your forehead before you took it a step further and pressed your lips to his, just wanting to be surrounded with nothing but him again.

okay so this was way, way longer than i was intending for it to be but i wanted to get some of the dialogue plots from the episode between morgan, kate, and hotch to give that drama that was there between them. but i do hope that you enjoyed and that it was something similar at least to what you were picturing! and thanks again for requesting! :)

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aesthbaby · 3 years

Text

Ghost

Summary: Do you remember the episode Demonology where we learned of Emily’s past? What if I told you, you were apart of it. After years of silence on her end, you end up meeting her again.

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x Fem!Reader

Prompt: here

Warnings: Cursing | Sadness | Typos

Word Count:

Masterlist

An: Dedicated to my hundredth follower. Ahhhh I'm too hype about this! I also made a slight change to the prompt but everything else is the same :) Anon, I hope you enjoy.

Indignation

The screaming crawls up the walls of her oversized, child hood home to shake her ear drums. The thunder only adds fuel to the fire that is the rage possessed by both Prentiss’ as they continue their screaming match.

“Don’t you dare walk away when I’m talking to you!” Elizabeth’s voice matches the rain. The way she stomps behind her daughter looks almost comical.

“Back off mother.” She mumbles this more to herself than her mother.

She stops walking, planting her feet firmly on the Brazilian Chestnut flooring. “I will not ask you again.” She comes to a stop, takes a breath, and slowly turns to her mother. Not meeting her eyes, of course, because it’d hurt too much to see the hate in her eyes. “Look at me.” The mother growls. She slowly moves to meet her mothers eyes and finds nothing but rage there; energy matched to the thunder and rain outside. “You will not see that-” The derogatory term gets caught up in her throat.

Taking a step towards the elder, “What?” Daring to ask the question to which she already knows the answer. “What do you want to say mother?” Her jaw tightens, a sign that Emily knows all too well. “Spit it out.” Its taking everything in her not to raise her voice again and spew the word out for her mother.

Elizabeth takes a breath of her own before replying. “You are not to see that girl again or so help me, I will make sure she goes back to where she came from.” Before Emily could object, she speaks again. “That is final Emily.” Her voice holds strong, and suddenly the storm ceases its assault.

All is quiet in the Prentiss house yet the tension remains; so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

Disregard

The next morning you arrive to school earlier than usual, but for good reason. Some random college hoodie wrapped loosely around your torso and a dainty neck tucked under it. Your school uniform has never fit you quite right because of how late in the year you transferred, you know...left overs. Phone is going absolutely crazy in your shirt pocket but now isn't the time, you’re looking for somebody. You’re looking for her. Mr. Ricci’s voice can be heard on your left, telling a group of guys its time for class. Emily...where the hell are you?

As the day progresses you still see no sign of the brunette until now. “Emily!” Running up to her you deliver a swift punch to her shoulder. “Where the hell have you been?” When her eyes meet yours they puffy, like she’s been crying. “Em- I-”

“First of all, ouch. Secondly, I can’t right now.” She turns to walk off with her lunch in hand, but you quickly pull her back by her elbow.

“You ‘can’t’ right now? What the hell is wrong with you?” Its taking everything in you not to become overtly emotional. “And where have you been?”

“Y/n I’m sorry but I really can’t right now.” She pulls away from your grip. Leaving you more confused than before.

You scuff at her wording. “You never calls me by my first name...” Its always been her thing, starting with a joke about how she has another friend by the same name as you so she had to call you something else. The next day was the same, avoiding you at all costs.

But it didn’t stop there.

It felt as though you were left on a physical manifestation of ‘read.’ Her name with the red heart emoji attached, did not pop up on your phone for what seemed to be months but in reality it had only been a few weeks. If she were to simply pick up the phone you would have been able to tell her about your unforeseen departure time. Due to sudden changes in international studies, you had to leave and the academy needed their student back. The one of which you exchange places with in January. Tears spring to your eyes at the thought of leaving. Not only are you leaving her, but also leaving this city you got to call home.

Sunny days always seem to appear at the wrong time, your departure day. She’s not here to see you off, hasn’t been around for a while. Can you really blame her? She doesn’t even know you’re leaving because she wont pick up the fucking phone. It doesn’t matter anymore, your time is up and so is her’s. A line of black and white kittens sprint across the cobblestone streets and that right there is what makes you break down in tears. Seeing the delicate kittens run after a mouse while tripping over their own feet. Random yellow flowers peaking through the stone which you’ve never known the actual name of. That one girl in Chem that would bake cookies for the class on Fridays. Your host dad taking you to his favorite café that served an increasing number of Cuban smokers. Going to eat gelato after homeroom with that one guy who would always make Golden Girls references. Then there was Emily, the girl that gave you a dainty gold necklace for valentines day. The girl that got a random jock to stop harassing you. The person whose lap you’d lay in on Saturday mornings at the park, is the same person who randomly started to ignore you. Maybe you could have fixed things with her if you had more time. You were supposed to have until June but suddenly everything shifted and all you were told is that you needed to come home, promptly. You couldn’t wait for her any longer, not even sure why you thought she’d come in the first place. Casting one last glance over your shoulder before stepping into the buzzing airport.

At least meet me half way.

Hereafter

"I don’t think so.” You laugh at your friend’s proposition to set you up on a blind date. “I am absolutely content with the way I choose to live my life.” Shifting a bit on the new couch that hasn’t been broken in, resulting in the stiff cushions.

He lets out this weird scuffing noise. “No you’re not. Remember last weekend when we tried to pull an all-nighter but your sleep deprived brain betrayed you?” At your nonchalant shrug, he continues. “You started rambling about just wanting to find some well educated, fun loving, female in this world full of bureaucratic straight men. Your words, not mine.” You throw a pillow at him but he swiftly doges it. “But you couldn’t have said it better.” These recent years have been a series of unfortunate dates that have ended in you lying about having to leave early for something.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend you should be getting home to?”

“Not tonight, I’m all yours. Apparently she has her knitting circle tonight.”

“That's what you get for dating an older woman.”

“Its a five year age difference! What is wrong with you people?”

You hold your hands up in defense. “Nothing, as long as you’re both legal and she’s good to you, its fine by me.”

“Shut up!” He screeches. “Oh shit, don’t you have a meeting in the morning?”

“Yes sir.” He stands to take your glasses and plates in the kitchen but you object. “Leave it,” At his confused expression, you continue. “Cleaning helps me relax so I figured I’ll wake up early so I can do that and reduce my stress levels by at least ten percent.”

“Dude, you’re seriously weird.”

“Say another bad thing about me and I'm sending you home.”

Throwing him a few pillows from the hallway closet and a comforter just for him to scream, “Its too hot in this cottage core apartment!”

Its not even cottage core themed?? Its just cozy with a plant or two. Am I expected to live in an ice cold home? I feel like he’s just saying this because I’m gay.

Your prepared outfit hands on the back of your bedroom door, mocking you. Making you reconsider the entire thing and simply not go but it feels as though you’d regret it if you didn’t. Maybe not, who knows?

And with that as your final though, you drift off to sleep.

You wake at the amazing time of 6 A.M to see your guest gone with a note on the couch:

I cleaned up the mess from last night and I also did the dishes in your sink. Not sure how u slept through all of that...I made a fruit salad for ur breakfast and a normal one for lunch.

Good luck with your meeting!

And one of those old fashioned emoticons at the bottom corner. Idiot.

You eat the food he left from the fridge, brush your teeth with the news playing in the background, and continue on with the normal morning routine.

Gathering your lunch and the little items you feel like you’d need, phone, charger, paper work, and keys; you know, the works. Finally heading out to your destination with nothing but ambition, you run into a slight problem.

Overlapping breakfast with an old friend of yours. “Hey, babe, I am so sorr-”

“Absolutely not, I don’t want to hear your excuses.” The positive voice rings through the phone like velvet sheets after a cold shower. “You missed our reservation!” Have to admit hearing them whine is pretty entertaining. “You had one job. One!” You guys met some years ago over some random online forum, arguing over some random movie. You don’t talk as much as you’d like but breakfast is always on the menu--mostly in February.

“Quick question, am I allowed to apologize?”

There’s a beat of silence on the other end, “Yes you may, but only in fruit baskets and coffee.”

“I got you, next time though. I’m on my way to something right now.”

“Something...” In comes the teasing undertone. “Does this ‘something’ have a name?”

Bursting into a fit of laughter at what is implied and replying, “Definitely not, its a work thing.”

“Speaking of work, I have to go. Ciao!”

Just in time to end the call, you pull into the designated parking deck from the email. Going through all of the security procedures was hell but blatantly necessary; the rest was gravy. Floating through the rest of the building gave you a slightly stressful feel because of all the men walking around with perfect suits and casting no glances your direction. When the glass doors labeled BAU appear, you take a deep breath and walk in with confidence. Taking in the buzzing sound of agents at work all around you. Agent Hotcher’s office is glaringly obvious: higher up than the rest, perfect overview of the hive, and in direct eye sight of the entryway doors.

Delivering a swift knock to the office door you hear a faint invitation from the inside. Walking in with a smile and straight back you are greeted with a man in a dark navy blue suit and a stoic look to attached to him. It first starts with the small talk of your experience, early life, skill sets, and what not.

“Agent Hotchner, might I speak out of line for a moment.” He gives you a skeptical look before nodding. “I understand the nature of this meeting but I am not completely sure why it was conducted.” His furrowed brown is not a good sign, making you correct your structure a bit. “Right, well,” God his stare is fucking intense. “What I mean to ask is, why am I here?”

That was bold.

“Agent, are you not aware that this is a Career Analysis Assessment?” As it slowly sinks in an O-shape forms with your mouth. Now you feel like a complete idiot in front of this prestigious, tight suited, man. “You were unaware? Its fine if you were,” You let out a sigh at the confirmation. “I have a tendency to write my emails with an excessive amount of four syllable words so one could see where the confusion originated.” You let out a nervous laugh at the realization that this is basically a job interview.

“I see that you’ve spent time studying abroad.” Indicated by the recommendations from your Italian Psychology teacher. “Why not join the CIA?”

“Dare I say, they make me nervous?” He cracks a small, very subtle, smile at the admission.

“What made you want to leave Human Resources?”

“I got tired of analyzing decisions with nothing but dead bodies and messy crimes and having my primal focus be the agents and not the victims or perpetrators. Using what I’ve learned as material for agents in training when I could have prevented it from happening.”

“Well said, but I need to be completely transparent with you.” This can’t be good. “I will admit that I have serious reservations about adding a Human Resources officer to my team.”

Shit let me stop him before this spirals. He thinks I’m a spy. “Sir, with all do respect, I have no intentions of being a bureaucratic spy. I’d also like to point out that I wasn’t that high on the HR totem pole to the point where I had an explicit say on what happens to agents, who is hire, fired, or how they’re trained. I analyzed and compromised while expressing my findings to an unbiased extent. If I wanted to be a spy I would have joined the CIA.” Besides, Head Quarter’s is the one that does all of that internal investigation stuff, not HR.

He doesn’t say anything or make any sudden movements for a good minute. I fucked up. That spy line was too far. “I’d like to offer you a position on this team, so long as you can start immediately.”

“Yes, of course I can! I don’t have much office supplies besides a pen or two and-”

“Its fine,” He stands from his seat and straightens the dark blazer. “I’ll have one of my agents show you around.”

From across the bullpen you spot a familiar blonde. “Oh my god!” The file in her hand falls to the floor. “Its you!” She practically squeals.

“Penelope, I didn’t know you work here.” You give your old friend a tight, unapologetic hug. She said she worked as a tech analysis but you always assumed it was for an activism group or a tech firm, not the FBI out of all things. Despite having such interesting jobs, you never talk about work with each other. She knows you work for the government but not which. Although knowing how good she is at uncovering people’s secrets, there’s a good chance she already knew you work for the FBI too.

“What are you doing here? Like physically here. I thought you were in Florida.”

“I have to get back, can you take care of Agent Y/L/N for me?” Hotchner says before rushing off without an answer.

And there she goes with the snooping. “Actually, I left the Florida office and went to California.”

“Oh.” Her face twists a bit. “And now you’re here?”

“I thought you were the woman behind the curtains, the all knowing.”

“And wonderful!” She points with her perfectly painted finger.

In comes a slim man with a messenger back, making a click in your mind. “Now where have I seen him before...” Turning slightly to follow his trail.

“That’s our resident genius Dr. Spencer Reid.”

Unbelievable. “He’s twelve.” The young agent’s head snaps toward you and Penelope, “Does he have super human hearing too?” She introduces you to the Doctor who is, as expected, socially awkward in many ways. A man named David Rossi of whom you’ve met at least once during a few Bureau seminars; last you heard he had rejoined the BAU after retirement. Jennifer Jareau is gorgeous with a nurturing nature about her, she immediately recognizes your name from exchanged paperwork but that’s about it. The introductions are brief, everyone seems to be busy with their own things. “Penelope your team is kind of small.” You quietly mention to her.

“Oh!” Guess the realization that two people are missing, finally clicks in her head. She starts walking in the direction of a staircase so you automatically follow her. “This is Derek Morgan.” Standing in front of a round table is a tall man with a really toned body. “Derek, this is Agent Y/n L/n from Human Resources.” His eyebrow arches up in suspicion.

“Oh no I’m not here for anything bad, I’ve actual been transferred into the BAU. Working behind a desk and watching as others do the work I can’t, wasn’t working out for me.” Definitely won’t trust me until I save his life or something. “I’ve heard of you, one of the Academy trainers has shown a few videos of you.” He smirks at the implied compliment and finally holds his hand out for you to shake.

“Where’s...” Pen trails while looking around.

“Oh she’s getting coffee.” The darker man points behind himself.

“Who’s getting coffee?”

Reconciliation

Maybe we wouldn’t be so short handed if they sprung for better coffee. Emily thought to herself while stirring the flavorless, dark liquid. What if they attach a coffee shop to the building? Imagine how much money the shop would make off of overworked agents. But then I feel like we’d start developing a true addiction to this stuff. Her thoughts are interrupted by the approach of foot steps. She meets Derek’s figure and smiles at the resident goofball of the BAU. Followed by Penelope’s pink centralized outfit with feathers. Then there’s you, just as beautiful as the last time you saw each other. If not more. Your hair shines amongst the florescent lights, paired with the perfectly tailored outfit and jewelry. The same eyes that would brighten her day as they met. An almost unnoticeable bounce in you walk, same as it were years ago. As you step towards her there is a flash of gold on your wrist that sends a ping to Emily’s heart, its the necklace I gave you in high school.

Intersect

You would have know about Emily’s transfer here from a few years ago, had her paperwork gone through the HR department but apparently it went straight to the top because this is definitely a surprise. Once you realize its actually her you stop dead in your tracks. Can’t be.

“Y/n,” She stutters out your name in disbelief. “What are you doing here?”

“Emily, I work here.” Ripping the band-aid off like this is an every day encounter; seeing your unofficial ex who you were never actually with in the first place but had the same characteristics as a high school couple. Yeah...that.

She also blurted out a ‘no you don’t’ before Garcia interrupted. “How do you two know each other?”

You both snapped your heads to her simultaneously. “We don’t.” Also said that part at the same time.

“Right.” She drags. “I’m sensing some unresolved tension...”

“What are-” Em tries to object.

“So we’re going to go.” The tech analysis grabs the sleeve of the darker man and practically sprints off in the opposite direction. Morgan having a dumbfounded look on his face.

It feels like you’re at a stalemate, who will make the first move. What will the emotions be? Are they going to fly? Because I’d like to throw a few verbal punches her way. Who does that to someone? I thought I was over it but clearly the wound is still open. Great now watch her blame me for X, Y, and Z,

“I’ve missed you.” She barely whispers, sounding a bit broken yet insincere. Its like she’s detaching herself from the narrative. So unexpected that you almost think you’re imagining this. Why would she say that? This is not the Emily you remember.

Anger bubbles up in your throat ready to unleash upon her entirety. Instead of bursting into flames right on the spot, in the middle of your new place of employment you take a deep breath. Words of disbelief dance on your lips before speaking. “You did not.” She tilts her head like a curious puppy. Who am I even talking to?

“What do you mean?” And just like that she’s whisked away by a guy in a suit of whom you do not recognize. Your jaw clinches in a desperate attempt to keep your cool, wondering what the hell is going on.

Realization

Besides the surprise of seeing Emily, your first day went great. Everyone kept checking up on you and you couldn’t tell if it was because they were trying to be friendly, excited to have a new teammate, or nervous of your background. “She used to work for the FBI Human Resources Branch.” You heard the skinny one tell Morgan when they thought you weren’t listening.

JJ and Penelope invited you out for drinks but all you really wanted to do was lay in your bed with a face mask and a bag of chips. Waving a farewell to the blonde women and head to your car, but a few feet away you feel a presence. You quickly loop around in search of the energy with your hand on the top of your gun. “Woah woah.” Emily holds her hands up in surrender.

At the realization of who it is you take a breath and clip your gun back in place. You give her a “what the hell look” before straightening your outfit.

“Were you going to shoot me?”

She’s met with wide eyes from your end. “Maybe?! Who sneaks up on someone with a gun?”

“I didn’t ‘sneak’ up on you.”

“Emily, you wear all black and walk like a feather. What were you expecting?” The buried anger is starting showing through.

“Okay,” She does a weird hand movement that kind of looks like she’s trying to calm you down. “I’m sorry. I just thought we could talk.”

“Talk...” You’re not really following.

“Yes, I’d like to talk.”

“Emily what are you asking? I’m lost.”

She take a moment to figure it out before answering. “For a second chance, I’m asking for another shot.”

You uncross your arms at the admission, letting them lazily fall beside you. “Em- I-” She can’t be asking what I think she is. “Its been years. More than a decade has passed since-” The words suddenly die on your lips

“I know,” And it looks like there’s a slight glimmer in her eyes, implying the presence of suppressed tears. “I’d just like to explain.”

“Explain?” You bite, tasting the bitter flavor of annoyance.

“Yes, I at least owe you that.”

And that’s how you ended up here, with her. In a cozy, minimalistic loft at nine in the afternoon with a coffee table separating the two of you.

“I’m sorry.” Was the first thing to break the silence, and this time it actually sounded sincere. “If I could have explained everything to you back then, I would have.”

You lean forward, closer to her and push the rather large vase off to the side so she has to be vulnerable with you. Nothing to help her hide from herself. At her confused face you lean back in your seat and nod for her to continue.

“My mother was always a difficult woman and although she has gotten better over the years, things were at their worst when she found out how much time I had been spending with you.” The brunette takes a minute before admitting the next part. “She was responsible for your early departure. I tried to stop her, give you more time but she’s relentless.” She waits for your reaction but when met with nothing, she continues. “She threatened me by putting our connection on the line, which in retrospect I now realize was impossible to save. She had already made calls to get you out of the country by the time I could sever what we had. I never wanted to hurt you or end what we shared.”

“And what did we share, Emily?”

Her tongue darts from between her lips, doing that weird little biting thing she’s always done since we’ve known each other. It sparks something in you that you haven't felt in a while. “I think you know. The fact that you still wear the necklace I gave you, bracelet, means you never really forgot.”

“I liked it where I could see it, but Em you could have called, texted even.”

“I couldn’t I was scared. Then after you left I started to distance myself from everyone and everything was really going downhill.”

“How so?”

“I got mixed up with peer pressure and boys.” This doesn’t sound good. “At one point I did anything I could to fit in.”

“What does that mean?” There’s a moment when a tear wells up on one of her eyes, but not dropping. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“I-” She tries to speak but nothing comes out. “I couldn’t tell my mother and the church wasn’t happy with my actions.” It suddenly dawns on you, like a smack in the face. You want to make her stop and just hold her but this needs to come out. “I couldn’t call you because it would hurt too much. I hated myself at that moment more than I ever have.”

“And you haven’t dated since?”

She sniffles and lets out a little laugh at that. “God no, I’ve dated people but I haven't dated another female since. It felt wrong, like I was replacing you or something.”

“You owe me nothing. You were just trying to protect me and I see that now.”

“I knew better, its been so long and when I heard you joined the academy I-”

“Wait, you knew and didn’t say anything?”

“Y/n I couldn’t bring myself to do anything other that attempt to move on.” Silence fills the room and its not the comforting kind. Its the tense, I need to do something, kind.

“Do you feel anything?” You dare to ask.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. Were your feelings lost in transit?”

“They froze the day you left, and thawed the day I saw you again. Today.”

“So its not over.”

She appears to contemplate your statement. “No, its not over. We have a chance to start over.”

What now?

.｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*★*･･*･'･*:..:*･゜ﾟ･*☆*:. .｡.:*☆

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pagetgram · 4 years

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Getting To Know The Cast Of Criminal Minds

As Criminal Minds rolls out its 15th and final season, the beloved cast gathers to discuss serial killers (what else?), special guest stars, and their millions of phenomenal fans in this exclusive interview. (x,x)

By David Hochman

The scene is quintessential Hollywood: a train station at dusk. Steam billowing up from the tracks. Loved ones bracing for their emotional farewells. What could be more fitting for the cast of Criminal Minds?

Chugging into its 15th and final season after more than 300 episodes, the police procedural is among the 10 longest-running dramas of all time, and in the top 20 for longest-running scripted television shows. "This is Gunsmoke and Guinness Book territory," says Matthew Gray Gubler, who has played quirky FBI brainiac Dr. Spencer Reid since episode 1.

To honor the landmark occasion, all eight series regulars are gathered at a railway museum in L.A.'s Griffith Park for photos, poignant reflections, and a few behind-the-scenes confessions (mostly involving a tradition called "hot tub wine machine"—stay tuned).

On TV, the tenacious profilers of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit—or simply "BAU" to fans—are a hard-bitten bunch, tracking down serial killers and other vicious "unsubs." But in person, clearly good friends across the board and decked out today in their spiffiest finery, the cast can scarcely hold back tears as they get candid about their extended journey together and what it means to come to the end—sniff, sniff—of Criminal Minds.

Originally published in Watch! Magazine, July-August 2019.

Judging from the misty eyes and group hugs, it looks like the series wrap-up is generating "all the feels," as they say. Are you able to get through scenes this season without a tissue break?

Joe Mantegna (Senior Supervisory Special Agent David Rossi, Seasons 3-present): This is my 50th year in show business, and next to voicing on The Simpsons, Rossi is my longest-running role. I came in with dark hair and now it's gray. I arrived without much of a game plan, and the show and character are now a deep part of who I am. This cast is a true family for me. So every episode this year has an added bittersweet layer. When the director announces, "This is the last profile scene" or "This is our last scene on the jet," you look around with a real sense of passing. It's monumental.

Kirsten Vangsness (BAU Technical Analyst and Media Liaison Penelope Garcia, Seasons 1-present): The term that keeps coming up is "ambiguous loss"—that feeling of losing something you love, and that everything's about to change. In this case it's not a person, thank goodness. But still, in the middle of a scene, it hits you. But you can't cry; you have all this makeup on. Plus, what are you crying for? It's been such an incredible experience. I will have done every single episode except episode 5, every episode of the first spinoff, and two episodes of the second spinoff. I love these people. No, sir. I'm not crying. You're crying. [Editor's note: She's crying.]

Paget Brewster (Supervisory Special Agent and BAU Unit Chief Emily Prentiss, Seasons 2-7, 9, 11-present): Um, I'm in complete denial, so I'll break down into tears the week after we end, but not before. I'm pretending this show's never, ever going to end.

Without spoiling anything, what can you say about Season 15?

A.J. Cook (Supervisory Special Agent Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Seasons 1-present): Well, I can tell you that we will find out what happens now that JJ has expressed her true feelings for Dr. Reid.

Matthew Gray Gubler (Supervisory Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid, Seasons 1-present): Don't you mean "Jeid?" That's what the internet is calling us. Hey, I'm not spoiling anything. I mean, don't rule out, uh, "Jemily" or "Jarcia" this season, either!

Adam Rodriguez (Supervisory Special Agent Luke Alvez, Seasons 12-present): And we do have guest stars. We love guest stars! [Editor's note: Among others, watch for Jane Lynch to return as Reid's schizophrenic mother, and for Rachael Leigh Cook as a potential new love interest for Reid.]

Daniel Henney (Supervisory Special Agent Matt Simmons, Seasons 10, 12-present): Overall, I'd say 15 has more of an arc through the episodes than previous seasons. Our unsub, Chameleon, is played by Michael Mosley, and he's definitely into some gruesome, creepy stuff.

Brewster: Like, we have a scene where a bunch of body parts are hanging from a tree. Our prop guy, who's a professional fisherman in real life, was on top of a 15-foot ladder with a foot and an ear hanging off his fishing pole.

Aisha Tyler (Special Agent Dr. Tara Lewis and forensic psychologist, Seasons 11-present): And people wonder why my house in L.A. is like a fortress and I'm armed! I'd say it's a direct result of Criminal Minds. This show is definitely dark. I'm not going around profiling sociopaths and serial killers, but, yeah, being on Criminal Minds, you become more perceptive about people's bad behavior.

Anybody else find it hard letting go in real life after chasing serial killers at work all day?

Cook: I'm blessed with a good shut-off switch. Once the day's done, I can block everything out. But as soon as I became a mom, something shifted where the naive girl from Canada got the boot and mama bear arrived. We saw that happen with JJ on the show, too. When she became a mom, it was suddenly like, "Whoa, watch out for that guy in the park!"

Henney: I'll tell you a story. About two months ago, I'm at home sleeping and a burglar alarm goes off, and I literally switched into Simmons mode. All the training I'd done with the FBI guys and our tech advisers instantly came into play. I threw on black sweatpants. I was creeping around the perimeter of my house, FBI-style. I clocked all my points of ingress and egress. When you do so many episodes, basic instincts kick in.

Did you identify the unsub?

Henney: Nobody was there! It was a stupid, faulty window sensor.

Brewster: The show definitely sharpens your reactions to your surroundings. When you start the show, you have access to the FBI training manual, which, frankly, no civilian should ever see because the photographs are so grisly. You end up going through a period of hypervigilance where you can't go into a sandwich shop or airport without thinking, Uh-oh! I think that couple's going to end up in a domestic dispute tonight.

Group question: What's your standout memory from these many seasons?

Rodriguez: I jumped onto this flying carpet 12 seasons in, and my first scene was out in the middle of the desert, and we shot all night long. There was an old car that was supposed to be in the scene, but it broke down and they ended up rolling it into the shot, which was funny. But more than that, I remember how welcoming people were. I was the new guy, but I felt immediately at home.

Brewster: We watched your family grow, too, Adam. You had a kid. A.J. had two kids. I met my husband on set. We've been lucky enough to live our lives and develop together as people.

Cook: For me, having both my boys appear in the show was an absolute treasure. Mekhai, who's 10, has been doing it way longer than Phoenix, who's 4, and he loves it, though I can't tell if it's the acting or that everybody's giving him cookies and ice cream all the time.

Henney: I was really proud to play Simmons because, as an Asian American actor, you don't often get the chance to play the quintessential American guy's guy. He's married to a Caucasian woman and has mixed-race children—which is true with me, too [Henney is also of mixed descent]—and I loved representing that on television. To have a kissing scene with Kelly, my wife on the show—you weren't seeing that 10 years ago.

Tyler: Directing a couple episodes was an incredible opportunity. But for me, just the experience of seeing this through to the end is so rewarding. I was only supposed to do six episodes. Everything's been gravy since then.

Mantegna: Hands down, my highlight was being able to work in my passion for law enforcement and the military by making my FBI character a former Marine. That allowed me to bring in Meshach Taylor, one of my dearest, oldest friends, as my commanding officer in Vietnam, and directing two of the three episodes that involved him as a character.

That included the episode where his character died, because Meshach had died. To actually bury him on camera as my dear friend—I'm the godfather of his kids, and he's the godfather of mine—it was everything. If I do nothing else on television, doing that for Meshach to me means the top of the ladder.

TV shows come and go. How do you explain the enduring success of Criminal Minds?

Tyler: Well, I'd say it's not about prurient interest in the macabre. I think the reason people like the show is because we want to know that there's a smart, dedicated team of professionals out there working very hard to make sure that the rest of us stay safe. Even if we don't know who they are and we can't see them, it's comforting that people are sacrificing their personal lives and their relationships so that they can put evil people away.

Rodriguez: I meet young people all the time, teenagers, who love the show and say they love the game of it all—figuring out how these processes work and the skills that go into solving crimes. I think we've probably inspired a generation of people to go into this important work—on the good-guy side, not on the bad.

Cook: So many people have struggled in their lives, and they can relate to what they see on the show. Hardworking moms, people that have been abused, people who've experienced loss.

Vangsness: I think it comes down to a show with some of the greatest characters on television. Garcia is just a bundle of positive energy, and that resonated. Her desk is a living piece of art to how she's connected with the audience. I've got a papier-mâché heart pen a fan from France gave me. There's a little rabbit from a fan in Japan. A German woman knitted a Penelope doll that's sitting there. Oh, and Richard Simmons gave me a necklace one time because he loved the show!

Criminal Minds fans are a devoted bunch.

Henney: I once checked into a ski lodge in Switzerland and my television wasn't working, so I went to the front desk. The two desk guys started staring at me like zombies and pointed to their TV, where Criminal Minds was on, with me on the screen.

Brewster: It takes you by surprise in the weirdest places. You'll be in a bathroom at a movie theater and girls are outside whispering, That's Emily Prentiss, and they wait for you to finish so you can wash your hands and hug them.

What are you going to miss most about the show?

Cook: Um, everything. The scenes in the jet are my favorites because it's such a tight space that we forget we're on a TV show and just enjoy hanging out together. This show, for me, was a coming of age. You can look online and find me in the beginning of season 1 wearing this ridiculous pink pinstriped blazer that will haunt me forever. I look like I'm 12. But I've grown up along with JJ. [Tearing up.] I'll miss it all so much.

Gubler: Likewise, I really look up to Spencer Reid, and I feel so honored to have played him for so long. I will miss his long, you know, three-page monologues of technical jargon about protons or whatever. I'll miss the way he holds his hands like an ostrich foot when he's solving a problem. He's definitely way smarter than I'll ever be, but I like to think that some Dr. Reid qualities have imbued themselves into my own personality a little bit. If nothing else, I've adopted his ever-changing hairstyles.

Tyler: I'll miss being an FBI badass. I'd love to take the FBI jacket, but it's absolutely illegal to walk around wearing it.

Vangsness: I can tell you what I won't miss. Garcia's glasses—because I have them all already. I've bought every pair she's ever worn, so I have a collection of around 65 at home. They remind me to be confident like her, to see life through her eyes. Garcia is my Sasha Fierce.

Brewster: I will miss the hot tub wine machine.

Hot tub wine machine?

Vangsness: You heard that right, mister. It's an epic hot tub party at my house that the women on the show have turned into a standing gig—or more like a floating gig.

Brewster: It's basically a therapy and gossip and splashing-around session fueled by chardonnay and rosé.

Tyler: And it's ladies only because it gets kinda frisky.

Rodriguez: This is a sore subject for me even as a very securely and happily married man.

Mantegna: They do send us pictures on group text, which is thoughtful of them.

Vangsness: I don't think it's too much of a spoiler to tell you that this fine tradition makes it into our last episode. I co-wrote the finale, and we tried to cram in as many little Easter eggs and satisfying plot tie-ups as we could, both for fans and for each other. So within the episode, you'll see the BAU version of hot tub time machine. We worked really hard solving these super-intense crimes over what will be 325 episodes. After all these years, don't you think we deserve a little spa time?

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ddreammcatcher · 5 years

Text

My true colors

A/N: This is my fourth entry for Criminal Minds Trope Bingo hosted by @cmbingo. I started writing this a while ago for someones writing challenge and never finished it, so I decided to finish it and post it here. This is the longest fic I’ve ever written. This isn’t really edited, so sorry about that.

Square filled: Bull pen/free space

Warnings: Mentions of suicide and self harm

Word count: 11038

Summery: When Garcias coworkers find out she has depression, her life changes

I had just gotten home and I could finally take off my armor and relax. Not real armor, just the armor I use to protect myself. My name is Penelope Garcia. At work I'm the happy bubbly one that everyone loves. They don't know the secrets and feelings I choose to hide from them. In all honesty, if they did, they would be afraid. Hell, I'm afraid of my own mind all the time. I decide to watch tv and binge eat ice cream for the rest of the night. Food and tv are two of the biggest things that have gotten me through the past couple months. I let the memories and tears come to me.

5 years ago

My mom had just gotten remarried. It was supposed to be a happy day, but for me it wasn't. I felt like I wasn't enough for her and that she needed more. It really hurt. I had two new stepbrothers. They didn't really seem to like me to start with, but they warmed up to me. We moved in together. They started their own new life that I never truly felt a part of. There were times when things were good when I felt like part of the family. Making homemade pizza… decorating cookies… picnics in the park… but the feelings never seemed to last. I always felt like the odd one out at the house. It probably had to do with the fact that I lived with my dad part time and they all lived there full time. I never really felt like i belonged. I tried talking to my mom about it, but she never seemed to understand. She told me that I could become part of the family, I just needed to participate more. Yet no matter what I tried, it was never enough.

My show ends, pulling me back to reality. I wipe away some of the tears and hit play on the next episode. I’m watching my favorite show, which I’ve seen a million times. It comforts me that's what I seem to need these days. As the theme music starts up, I float back to memories.

4 years ago

Since my mom got remarried, things have gotten worse and worse. I’ve become more distant and keep my feelings a secret. I don’t talk about them to anyone. Until one day when I get told to go talk to my counselor. For that first couple of weeks, we only talk about school stuff. Eventually I tell her how I’m feeling. She takes me to meet the school therapist. I realize that I was so nervous to meet her, but she changed my life so much. It turns out I have depression and anxiety. It’s a horrible combo and can make my life hell at times. My thoughts are horrible. Many times that year, I have suicidal thoughts. Some worse than others. The really bad ones end up with a trip to my therapists office even if I wasn’t scheduled to see her.

I’m crying really hard right now. I’m not really watching my show anymore. I’m just using it for background noise because it helps. I know that I owe my first therapist so much for helping me work through things and get to the point where I was able to graduate. She helped me get through when my step brother tried to kill himself. With that thought, I start crying harder and go back to that day.

3 years ago

It was a Friday. Me and my mom were sitting at home talking. She decided she wanted to talk about my depression and how it had been. I did NOT want to have that conversation. We have been talking for a little bit when her phone rings. I sigh in relief. It means that this conversation can be over. Sadly it's an unknown number, so she sends them to voicemail. We finally finish the horrible conversation and the phone rings again. My mom answers this time. Turns out its the police. One of my stepbrothers had climbed over the bridge above a highway. We went to the hospital to see him. He was in the hospital for a week. It was a horrible week for me and I was so glad when he came home.

My phone buzzes, making me jump. I’m crying really hard. So hard that I can’t read the notification on my phone. I wipe some of the tears away and see its a message from my boss. He wants to talk to me tomorrow morning. I grown. This is not a good sign. He has never asked me to meet with him like this. I go back to the day that I met him.

2 years ago

I had graduated high school 4 months ago. I had an interview for the first time in my life and I was so nervous. I sit in a waiting room. A man walks out. He's wearing a suit. That’s not the first thing I notice. The first thing I notice are his eyes. I can see the tension in them. He calls my name. I get up and walk up to him. “Penelope Garcia?” He asks sternly. “Yes, that's me.” I reply nervously. “I’m agent Hotchner.” He leads me into an office. I take a seat. He sits in the chair behind his desk. “I’ve seen your records. I think that you could have a place here. I need you to go through the academy before I can hire you.” His eyes have softened, which I take as a good sign. “I would love to be part of the team.” I say with a big smile. I spent the next year at the academy. Learning everything I could. Coding became my life. It became one of the few outlets I had when my depression got really bad.

My phone buzzes again. Its Hotch, my boss. He reassures me that it is nothing bad. It doesn’t really help. I still have no idea why he wants to talk to me. He doesn’t know about my depression. No one on my team knows about it. I go back to the first time I met them.

1 year ago

It was my first official day. I was nervous to meet the team, but also excited. I went to Hotch's office first to get my credentials. We talked over some basic things. Then we leave his office and he introduces me to the team. I know I have to be bubbly and I can’t let anyone see how my depression affects me. Derek Morgan is the first person I meet. He calls me baby girl, which I don’t know how to feel about. I guess it's kinda cute. Then I meet Emily Prentiss. She's sweet and pretty. She smiles at me and makes me relax somewhat. Then I meet Dave Rossi and Spencer Reid. Rossi takes me in a hug the moment he sees me. Reid is more withdrawn. I’m okay with that. Then JJ walks in and my whole world stops. She’s drop dead gorgeous. After meeting the team, Hotch shows me to my office. I walk in and it's amazing.

I come back from that memory a little bit happier. My phone buzzes. I see that it’s another message from Hotch. I sigh wondering what he could possibly want. It just says that he hopes i have a good night. I cry myself to sleep. It’s something that I’ve done every night for years.

Over the past year, I've grown close to the team. I know that they all care about me, but I still haven’t told anyone about my depression. I don’t want them to look at me differently because of it. Most days I’m able to control it. I know that my depression is never going to go away, but it's better than in high school. When it seems like I can’t control it, I hide in my office until I can control it. Today seems to be one of the days that it’s harder to control it. I know that i have to. At least until after my meeting with Hotch.

I walk in to the building somewhat nervous. I don’t know if I can do this, but I know that I have to. I drop off my stuff in my office and then go to Hotch's office. I knock when I get there and he opens the door immediately. I look in and see that JJ is in there as well. Their eyes have worry in them. Great, this is not going to be fun. “Whats up Hotch?” I ask as happily as possible. He takes a seat. “Have a seat Penelope.” He never calls me by my first name, which means this has to be serious. I take a seat. “Penelope, we are worried about you.” Hotch says softly. Fuck. How the hell did they figure it out? “I’m okay.” JJ just gives me this look. She speaks for the first time. “Penelope, I found this.” She hands me a note. I open it. Shit. It’s a suicide note I wrote a while ago. I completely forgot that I had it at work. I look at JJ and then at Hotch. They both have looks of worry. “I’m okay. I promise.” I say with a cheerful voice. “Penelope, this doesn’t seem like you are okay.” JJ says. Hotch just sits there and lets JJ talk to me.

I turn and walk out of his office and go to my office. I close the door behind me and lock it. I disable the passcode so no one can get in. They found out and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want them to know because they will treat me differently. My depression is just a part of me. My depression is not who I am. I’m crying and I hate it. There is a knock on the door, but I ignore it. I don’t want to talk to any of them. I just want to go home. I was doing such a good job of hiding it. How did things get this bad? I promised myself that my depression was not going to mess up this job, but it looks like it has.

My door is knocked on again. “Penelope, baby girl, let me in.” Derek says gently. “Go away!” I yell at him. I hear him gasp in shock. I never yell at people here. I guess everything is coming out today. I hear him walk away. A couple minutes later my door is knocked on again. “Penelope, its JJ. Let me in please? We don’t have to talk, just let me be with you.” I have been crying this whole time. The way she says it comforts me. It’s probably because she's a mom. I slowly open the door and let her in. I close it after her.

I go and sit on the couch I have in my office. JJ comes and sits next to me, but not touching me. I curl into a ball facing away from her. She puts her hand on my leg. When I don’t try to move away from her, she leaves it there. After awhile, she moves it up to my back and rubs circles on it. It’s actually really relaxing. We stay there for a while. Me crying and her rubbing my back. Eventually I sit up and look at her. “I’m really sorry.” I say as I brush away some left over tears. “Penelope, you never have to apologize for how you are feeling.” She says softly. “Okay.” I say. “Penelope, what's going on?” She asks gently. I know that telling her isn’t a good idea, but it’s what I need right now.

“You really want to know?” Ask quietly. “Penelope, I care about you. Of course I want to know.” She says it with confidence. “I have depression.” I say as I look down. “Penelope, look at me.” I look up. She’s not upset, she's just worried. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I hesitate. “Because everytime I tell someone I have depression, they treat me differently. I didn’t want that to happen with you guys.” I say as the tears start to fall again. “Penelope, we all know that depression is an illness. It’s not who you are. We already know who you are and we love you.” She says with a tone that says it’s not up for debate. “But this entire time I haven’t been honest with you guys.” I cry out. “Penelope, its okay. We all have been through things that we hide from each other.” She says calmly. “I doubt it.” I retort. She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “My older sister killed herself when she was 16. I haven’t told anyone else that.” She says softly. I look at her and blink. “How have you kept that to yourself all this time?” I ask. “I’ve learned that it's part of me. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s a piece of me that hurts, but it's only a piece, not all of me.” She says. “You make it sound so easy.” I say. “It takes time and patience to get to this point.” she says.

I lean into her. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” I say quietly. She lets me lean on her. “It’s okay. You need to tell Hotch. Even if no one else on the team knows, he needs to.” She says. “Ugh. Fine.” I know it's the right thing to do, I just don’t want to do it. “Thank you Penelope. Do you want to do it in here or in his office?” She looks at me, knowing that if it's going to happen, I need to feel as safe as possible. “In here.” I say. She nods. “I’ll text Hotch to come here.” She says as she pulls out her phone. She texts him and a couple of minutes later the door is knocked on. JJ opens it and Hotch walks in. I’m still sitting on the couch and JJ joins me on it. Hotch grabs the chair and brings it over near us. He’s still worried and its obvious. “Whats going on Penelope?” He asks gently. I look at JJ about to panic. She takes my hand and squeezes it. I take a deep breath. “I have depression.” I say quietly.

Hotch doesn’t say anything for a little bit. I look at him to see he isn’t surprised. Once I look at him, he starts talking. “Penelope, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He asks. “I didn’t want anyone to treat me different.” I say shakily. He just looks at me confused. “Usually when I tell people, they start acting differently. They act like I could break at any moment.” I say. He nods. “Penelope, you know I have to report this right?” He asks. “No. Please don’t.” I start crying. “Penelope, I need you to have a psych eval. Until then, you’re on probation. That means that you can’t work cases.” He says it sternly. “Hotch. How could you?!?” I shout. I’m pissed. “Get out!” I yell. “Okay.” He says calmly. He gets up and leaves.

JJ looks at me. “Don’t say it.” I say to her as I break down in tears. She just opens her arms to me. I curl myself into her embrace. I cry for a while. Once I’m done, I sit up and sit next to her. “Penelope, you know he just wants what's best for you.” She says gently. “I know. I just hate feeling this way.” I sigh. She nods. “You do need to be cleared before he will let you go back to work.” JJ says. “Ugh. I know.” I grown. “If you want, I could have someone come in and do it today.” JJ says gently. “I guess. I might as well.” I say as I’m still crying. “Okay. I’ll get Hotch to make the call. I’ll be right back.” She gets up and leaves. I know that this is what is best for me, but I don’t want to do it.

I need to go to the bathroom, which requires me to leave my room. On the way to the bathroom, I hear JJ and Derek talking. “JJ, what’s going on?” His voice has tension in it. “I can’t tell you.” She replies. “JJ, is she okay?” He asks. “I’m going to take care of her. I need to go talk to Hotch.” She replies sadly. She walks away and up the stairs to Hotch’s office. I turn and head into the bathroom. On the way back, I don’t see anyone, which I’m glad about. I have tear tracks down my face. I think about just leaving and going home. It might be better. Yet I also know that it would worry everyone. Still, it’s really tempting to just leave. I decide that I’m going to leave. I get my stuff and head towards the elevator. On my way there, Rossi sees me. “Hey Garcia, what's up?” He had just gotten there and has no idea what’s happening. I hear JJ’s voice as she leaves Hotch’s office. I squeak and duck in the elevator. Rossi puts his arm on the door to keep it open. “Garcia? What's wrong?” JJ is walking back towards my office when she hears Rossi say my name. She turns towards the elevator. When she walks up, she and Rossi make eye contact. “What’s up JJ?” Rossi asks curiously. “I need to talk to Penelope alone.” She says. Rossi nods and leaves.

“Garcia, what are you doing?” JJ asks worried. “I have to get out of here.” I say in a panic. “Penelope, take some deep breaths.” She says. “I can’t do this right now.” I blurt. “Penelope, try to match your breathing with mine.” She says calmly. I listen to her and try to do it. It helps me calm down. “Okay. Now can we go back to your office and talk?” She asks. “Okay.” I say with a sigh. I follow her back to my office. I plop down on the couch. “I just want to go home and forget about today.” I say. “I know Penelope, but this is something you have to deal with.” She says softly. “I don’t f***ing want to!” I yell at her. She flinches a little bit. “Penelope, take some deep breaths.” She says calmly. I do and it helps.

My door is knocked on. JJ gets up and opens it. Dr. Nelson walks in. I’ve never actually talked to her because my last psych eval was done at the academy. I know who she is because she came to see Reid and got lost, so I had to help her. “Hey Penelope, I hear you’re having a rough time right now.” She says gently. I scoff at her and roll my eyes. She and JJ share a look that says they both know that I’m not in a good place. “JJ, would it be possible for you to leave? I can come find you when I’m done.” She asks. “Sure.” JJ says and then she leaves. “Penelope, can you tell me what's going on?” She asks. Her voice is gentle, but I don’t say anything. I just cry again. She just sits there and lets me cry. After a while, the tears stop. “Penelope, Hotch told me you have depression. How long have you had it for?” She asks. “Four years.” I say bluntly. “Okay, have you ever had counselling for it?” She asks. I know she's just trying to get a foundation to go off of. “Yeah, for two years. I haven't seen a therapist since I graduated high school.” I say. She nods. She asks me a bunch of different questions. Finally we are done. “Here's what I want to do and I know you are not going to like it, so hear me out.” She looks at me until I nod. “I want you to see a counselor or therapist. Until they say, you are not cleared for duty.” “No. Not fair!” I interrupt. “I’m not done. Also, I want you to have someone stay at your house until the therapist or counselor sees fit.” “What? Why the f*** does someone need to stay with me?” I’m pissed. “Penelope, you wrote a suicide note. It is a serious deal. There is a therapist in the Bureau that I think you would get along with well. I’ll set up an appointment with her and then let you know when it is.” She states. “Fine. Just leave me alone.” I snap. “Okay. I’m going to let Hotch know what I’ve decided. He can decide who stays with you.” She says.

When she leaves, JJ comes back in. “Feeling any better?” JJ asks. “Go the f*** away!” I yell at her. When I get mad I get pissed, which makes me yell at people. She flinches. “I’m not going .

anywhere Penelope.” She states. We just sit there in silence. I’m pissed and I don’t want to talk about it. About 20 min later, my door is knocked on. JJ opens it and Hotch walks in. “JJ, can Penelope and I talk alone?” Hotch asks. “Sure.” She gets up and leaves.

“Penelope, I talked to Dr.Nelson. She told me that she wants someone to be with you at all times. I think that it would be best if JJ stays with you.” He says. “Hotch. Please don’t do this. I’m okay. I promise. JJ needs to work on cases.” I say. It comes out in one breath. “Penelope, this is not a request. It is going to happen. It's more important that you are safe then for JJ to work cases.” He's tense and I know that it's not up for debate. “Fine!”

That night, JJ comes home with me. Before we go home, we go to her house so she can get some of her stuff. When we get to my house, I go to my room and close the door, JJ opens it seconds later. “Penelope, Dr.Nelson wants me to search your room for anything you could use to hurt yourself.” JJ says gently. “This is exactly what I was worried about. People treating me like I’m going to break.” I spout. “Penelope, I’m just worried about you. I promise that this doesn’t change how I see you.” She says with force. “Okay.” She searches my room and then leaves me alone for the rest of the night.

The next day, I drag myself out of bed and to the therapists. I really don’t want to be here. A woman walks out. “Penelope?” I get up and walk up to her. I follow her back to her office. I take a seat on the couch. “Hi. I’m Abby. How are you today?” I decide it's time to put my armor back on. “I’m doing great.” I say. She makes a face that says she knows I’m lying. Then she writes something down. “Penelope, I talked to Dr.Nelson. I want you to be able to be honest with me.” She says kindly. I don’t trust her yet, so there is no way that I am letting her in. “Penelope, why did you write a suicide note?” She asks gently. “When can I go back to work?” I ask with a happy tone. She sighs. “Penelope, you can’t go back to work until you work through some of the stuff you are dealing with.” “I’m not dealing with anything, I’m doing great.” I’m not going to let her get inside no matter how much she tries.

We don’t get very far in that session. We don’t get anywhere for awhile. I keep her out and put up my armor. She keeps trying to get in, but it doesn’t get anywhere. It’s been two weeks and nothing has changed. I spend my days watching tv and binge eating. I go to therapy twice a week. I know that this is no way to live my life, but right now I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with any of this. I just want to back to being the perky happy person that everyone knows. I know that it isn’t who I really am, but at least my life had a purpose. Right now, there is no purpose. I’m staying alive for my team. The fact that JJ confiscated all of the things I could use to hurt myself that were in my house makes it harder to do anything.

JJ talks to Hotch almost everyday. I know that the two of them are worried about me. I’ve tried to make JJ go back to work multiple times, but she won’t budge. She spends her days with me, trying to help however she can. What she doesn’t know is that I don’t want help. I just want to forget about this. I want to push the rewind button and go back to before any of this happened. I know that things are never going to go back to the way they were and that bugs me.

At my next therapy sessions, Abby finally gets me to say something other than my normal perky responses. “Penelope, at some point you are going to have to deal with this. You can’t keep living your life like this.” She says. “Why not? It’s not like I have any purpose anymore.” I say it before I think it through. I really wish I could take it back. “Penelope, why do you think you don't have a purpose any more?” She asks. I can’t decide if I should let her in or if I should keep her out. I decide not to say anything else. We only have a couple of minutes left. I’ll figure out what I want in the next couple of days. “Okay Penelope, we will continue this conversation on Thursday.” She states. I get up and walk out.

JJ follows me back to the car. We go back home. When we get there, I go in my room and close the door. JJ has come to realize that when I close my door, I want to be alone. There are days when I will leave it open or hang out in the living room. Those are my good days. Even if I don’t want to admit it, I know I’m not in a good place. It might be time to let Abby in and start to deal with some of my stuff. I don’t know. The last person I let in hurt me. I don’t know if I’m ready to take that risk again. Yet it might be helpful to get some of my issues out of my head. I’m scared to talk about my problems because that means that they are real.

I wonder out to the kitchen to find food. I hear JJ on the phone in the other room. She doesn’t know that I left my room. “I know Hotch. What else can we do though?” Then there's a pause. “Okay. We can talk about this on Friday.” JJ has a tone that she says she's not happy about where the conversation is going. “Hotch, we can’t force her to do anything. She needs to do this at her own pace. I’ll talk to Abby thursday night and see what she thinks. I’ll talk to you later.” JJ hangs up and doesn’t move. I grab a bag of chips and go back to my room.

On Thursday, I go to therapy. I’ve decided that I need to open up at least a little bit. I go back to her office and take a seat. “Hi Penelope. How are you today?” She asks. I know she’s expecting my normal response of ‘I’m great’. “I’m okay. I’ve been better.” I sigh. I can see the shock in her eyes. “Okay. I thought we could start where we left off last time. You said you had no purpose. Why do you think this?” She asks. I sigh. “Because I can’t do anything right.” I say. I can feel the tears that are ready to fall. Stupid tears, they are going to give me away. I still haven’t decided how much I want to let her in. “Penelope, why do you feel like you can’t do anything right? You got in to the FBI.” She says cautiously. I don’t say anything, I just keep crying. She just lets me sit there and cry. After a while, the tears slow to a stop. I sniffle and then look at her. “Penelope, I know that you have kept others out for so long.” She says. “I don’t want anyone to think that I’m weak.” I blurt. “Penelope, the bravest thing you can do is to let others in. You are showing them your darkest thoughts,” She says kindly. “I don’t know if I can do that.” I sniffle. “That’s okay. We don’t have to rush it. Is there anything else you want to talk about today?” I guess I can tell her why I don’t want to talk about things. “I don’t want to talk about what’s happened in the past because that means that they are real.” I say slowly. She makes a confused look. “Okay, that’s all the time we have today. I’ll see you monday.” I get up and walk out.

I walk out and see JJ and Hotch sitting there. “What’s going on?” I ask. I’m worried about what they are going to say. “Hey Penelope. Hotch wanted to talk to Abby and we were just catching up before you were done.” JJ responds. “Okay. Can we leave now JJ?” I ask. I’m about to cry and I would really like to do it in my bed and not in the FBI. “Sure. I’ll talk to you later Hotch.” JJ says. We get in the elevator to leave. We stop on the floor the BAU is on and I hold my breath. When the doors open, Derek is standing there. I make eye contact and then lower my head. His eyes having worry and sadness in them. He gets in and we ride in silence for a while. Then Derek starts talking. “Hey baby girl. I miss you and your teasing.” Once he says that, I break down in tears. He looks at JJ in confusion.

The elevator stops on the floor above the lobby. I quickly get off and run for the safety of an office I know is never used. I hear JJ shout at me to stop, but I just keep going. Once I get to the office, I close the door and curl up into a ball. Opening up to Abby was emotionally draining. I know that it was good and was going to have to happen at some point. The door opens and JJ comes in. “Hey Penelope, what happened?” She asks. I don’t say anything, I just keep crying. “Should I go get Abby?” She asks. I shrug. It might be good to talk to her. Yet I don’t want to let her in and her seeing me like this would force me to explain it to her. “Penelope, how can I help you?” She asks quietly. I shrug again. Her phone buzzes repeatedly, which means she’s getting a call. “I’ll be right back.” She says.

She closes the door, but I can still hear her. “Hey Hotch.” Then there’s a pause. “No, we didn’t even make it to the car. Derek got in the elevator with us and tried to talk to her. She broke down crying.” She sighs and listens to what he has to say. “In an office on the second floor.” She says. Then there is another pause. “I don’t know. I asked her if she wanted me to get Abby and she just shrugged. I don’t know what we should do.” She sighs. Then there is a long pause. “Okay. Let's give it a shot, but it could go very badly.” She hangs up and walks back in. She looks at me. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.” She says. I shrug. My tears have pretty much stopped. Abby walks in a little bit later. I ended up in a corner in a ball on the floor. When she comes in, JJ leaves. She comes and sits by me. “Hey Penelope, I heard things didn’t go well after you left. Do you want to talk about it?” She asks. I shake my head no. “Okay, that's fine.” She leans against a couch that is in the room. We just sit there for a while. Eventually I uncurl and look at her. “Whats going on?” She asks. It’s not demanding. It's more like she’s wondering and isn’t going to push me to tell her. I sigh. “I’m emotionally drained.” I mutter. She nods. “That makes sense Penelope. You kept people out for years and you started to open up to me. It’s going to be exhausting.” She says kindly. Hearing that helps a lot. “I think I’m ready to go home.” I say. She nods. We get up and walk out together.

That night, I just go to my room and curl up on the bed. I watch The Office, which helps. The next few days, I talk to JJ a little bit. I can’t let her in yet, but I know she cares. On sunday, we watch a movie together. We haven’t done that ever. Usually I just go in my room to watch movies. We end up falling asleep on the couch together. I wake up halfway through the night screaming. This is something that I’ve gotten used to by now. I focus on my breathing and try to get it and my heart rate back to normal. My scream woke JJ up. “Penelope, what's wrong?” She asks worried. “It’s fine JJ, go back to sleep.” I say with a yawn. “Penelope, you woke up screaming. That’s not normal.” She says concerned. I sigh. “It’s normal for me. It happens almost every night.” She looks really concerned. “JJ, I’ve learned to live with them.” I say tiredly. “You shouldn’t have to deal with them.” She says sadly. “It’s okay JJ.” I get up and go climb in my own bed.

The next morning, I wake up to find JJ still asleep on the couch. I smile at how peaceful she is. She’s been so stressed over me the past couple of weeks. I wish she could be this peaceful all the time. I look at the clock and realize it’s already 10:35. I have therapy and 11 and it takes 15 min to drive there. I decide not to wake up JJ. She looks so peaceful. I get ready and then get in my car. It takes me a few minutes to be able to turn the car on. I drive to the FBI fine. I know the route by heart.

When I get there, I end up in the elevator with Hotch. “Hey Penelope, where's JJ?” He looks worried. “She was asleep when I needed to leave, so I just let her sleep.” He sighs and looks annoyed. He doesn’t get off at the BAU, but comes up with me. I get off and he follows me. I turn to face him. “Hotch, I’m fine. I’m not going to hurt myself, I promise.” I see the corners of his mouth turn upward. Abby walks out and takes in the scene. “Hey Penelope.” “Hey.” I follow her back to her office. Once we sit down, she looks at me in confusion. “Where’s JJ?” She wonders. “At home asleep. I left her a note.” I say. She sighs. “Penelope, we talked about this. She’s there to make sure you’re safe.” I roll my eyes. “I’m not a child, I can take care of myself.” I pout. She smiles. “Penelope, do you think you are able to keep yourself safe without JJ there?” She asks. “Yes, I do.” I say with confidence. “Okay, I’ll think about reducing the time she’s with you. Now we need to talk about what happened on Thursday.” She says.

I grown. “I know you don’t want to talk about it Penelope, but we need to. What did Derek say to you?” She asks. How does she know about Derek? JJ must have talked to her. I sigh. “He told me he missed me and my teasing.” I choke on the words. “Why does that hurt you so much?” She asks. I don’t say anything for a while and she doesn’t push me to talk. Finally I talk. “Because that’s who I was when I was hiding my depression. I don’t want that to change, but I’m afraid it will once he learns about my depression.” I say. She nods. “Do you think he would care? He knows you.” She says. “He doesn’t know me with my depression.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, JJ told me that you know your depression is just a part of you and not who you are. What if he sees it that way as well?” I sigh. “I don't know. I’m not ready to take the step.” I say. “Okay, that’s fine.” I look at the clock. “I guess we are out of time.” I say with relief. “Yes, we are. I want you to think about how Derek would feel if you told him. I’m not saying do anything, just think about it.” She smiles. “Thank you for opening up to me.” I nod. I get up and leave.

I walk out to see Hotch. “Hey Hotch. I’m fine. I promise.” I say. He looks at me. “JJ called me when she woke up. She was worried about you. I told her that you were here and that calmed her down.” He says. “I didn’t mean to worry her. I just didn’t see the point of waking her up just to drive me here.” I sigh. He smiles. It’s a small one, but it’s the first one I’ve see from him in a long time. “Okay. I need to go talk to Abby. I’ll see you later.” He says. I take the elevator down and don’t run into anyone from the BAU, which I’m glad about. I start my car and drive back home.

I get home and JJ is sitting on the couch flipping through channels. “Hey JJ, sorry I worried you. I didn’t mean to. You just looked so peaceful and I didn’t want to wake you.” I say quickly before she can say anything. She smiles. “That’s fine.” Two smiles in a day and Abby will see about reducing how often JJ is with me. It’s been a good day and it’s only noon. I smile. It's just a small one, but it is the first real one I have had in a long time. Things finally seem like they are getting better.

I stop closing my door as often. I still have my bad days where I hide in my room, but they are less often than they were before. JJ is still at my house full time. I want her to go home, but I know she won’t. Wednesday afternoon I plop down next to JJ on the couch. “Hey Penelope, what’s up?” She’s become a little less worried about me since Monday. I know that Hotch talked to Abby and must have told JJ about it. I’m glad that she isn’t as worried about me. I have a feeling that she will always worry about me a little bit, but I don’t want it to be all she thinks about.

“JJ, I’m really sorry I’ve worried you so much. I never wanted to worry you.” I say. She just looks at me. She’s not mad at me. “Penelope, I worry because I care about you. I don’t want to lose you. I’ve already lost one person that I love and I don’t want to lose another one.” She says sadly. I know that she’s thinking about her sister. She must really miss her. “Okay. I care about you. The BAU and our family is the main thing that kept me going.” I say with a sigh. “Penelope, they are worried about you. Especially Derek.” She says. I sigh. “I know, but I’m not ready to tell them yet.” I say. She nods. “That’s fine. Take your time. I’m glad you are starting to open up to me and Abby more.” She says with a small smile.

The next two weeks go by quickly. I go to therapy and open up completely to Abby. It feels really good to get stuff off of my chest. JJ knows some of what I’ve been through. She’s still living at my house, but it no longer bugs me. I want to go back to work so badly. I’m not ready to tell the team what’s been going on, but I want to go back to coding and helping people.

One night I steal JJs computer and do some coding on it. It feels so good and relaxing. JJ walks in on me when I’m doing it and smiles. She doesn’t say anything, just leaves me to do my thing. The next day I go to therapy. I have a small smile on my face. I go back to her office. “Hey Abby.” I say. She looks up. “Hey Penelope, what’s up?” She notices the smile on my face. “I did some coding last night.” She frowns. “Penelope, was it for the BAU?” She asks. “No. I didn’t look at any cases.” I say. She relaxes. “That’s good. How do you feel about JJ still living with you?” She asks curiously. I shrug. “It’s fine. I don’t really care about it.” I reply. She smiles. “Okay. I think it’s time for JJ to stop living with you.” She says. “What?” I say with shock. “Yeah. You’re doing really well and have opened up a lot. I feel like you would be able to reach out to someone if you were having a really hard time.” She says. “Okay. That sounds good.” I reply happily. “Now, have you thought about telling the rest of the team about your depression?” She asks. I sigh. “I don’t know. I know that I need to tell them at some point, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.” She nods.

I walk out of her office in a good mood. Hotch is sitting in the waiting room. “Hey Penelope, you look good.” He says with a smile. “Thanks Hotch. It’s been a good couple of days.” I say happily. Hey looks at me with a look I haven’t seen from him ever. Relief. He can tell that things are getting better and knows that I’m at a better place in my life. Abby comes out. “Hey Hotch.” She says with a small smile. “Hey Abby. I see that things are going well.” He replies. “Yeah, lets go talk in my office.” They walk away. I walk to the elevator with a little more energy in my step. The elevator stops at the floor the BAU is on to let people off. I make eye contact with Derek for a second or two and then the doors close.

When I get home, I find JJ on the phone. I sit on the couch until she gets off the phone. She comes in and sits down. “Hey Penelope, that was Hotch.” She says a little sadly. I look at her in confusion. “I thought you would be thrilled to go home.” I say quietly. She sighs. “I am thrilled to go home, but not because I want to be apart from you. I’m thrilled because it means that you are doing better. I’ve really enjoyed being with you.” She looks at me. I nod. “That makes sense. I’ve enjoyed having you here as well, but I’m ready to be on my own again. Even if it’s only to prove to myself that I can be.” I say. She nods and gives me a side hug. “I understand. I’ll leave tomorrow.” She says sadly.

That night, me and JJ just hang out. We both know that it's going to feel weird for a while. We have been living together for almost a month. I know that this is an amazing step in my journey. Later in the evening, Derek texts me. It’s short and sweet. It simply says ‘Hey baby girl. It was good to see you today.’ It makes me smile. I sigh in confusion. I want to tell him, but I’m still afraid of how he is going to react. I know that I am going to have to tell the team at some point. I know that in order to do it, I’m going to have to tell Derek first.

JJ leaves the next morning. It feels really weird to be in my house alone. The next couple of weeks go slowly. Mostly all I do is go to therapy. JJ and Hotch check up on me, but they know I’m doing okay. It takes a month after JJ left for me to be okay with the idea of telling Derek about what I’ve been going through. I know that I’m going to need Abby’s help if I am going to be able to do it.

On Thursday, I go to therapy. “Hey Abby.” I say as I plop down. She looks at me confused. My voice lost the excitement it had last time. “Hey Penelope, what’s going on?” She asks cautiously. I sigh. “I am super bored. I want to go back to work so badly.” I whine. She smiles. “Not yet Penelope, I’m not sure if you are ready to.” She says gently. I sigh. “Okay.” I say. “Have you put any more thought into telling the team about your depression?” She asks. I sigh. “I know that I need to tell Derek before I tell the rest of the team.” I say. “Okay, do you know when you want to do that?” She asks. I sigh. “Can we do it now?” I ask quietly. “Sure. If you want to do that, we can. Do you want to do it in here?” She knows that this is going to be hard. “Yeah.” I say. “Okay. I’ll call him.”

She picks up the phone and finds his number. “Hey Derek. I was wondering if you could come to my office?” She says. There’s a pause. “No, nothing's wrong.” There’s another pause. “See you soon.” She hangs up. He’s on his way up. I nod. Her door is knocked on a couple of minutes later. She opens the door to him. When he sees that I am in there, he smiles, but I can tell that he's still worried and sad. “Hey baby girl.” He says. He chokes on his words. “Hey. I have something to tell you.” I say. I’m nervous. He takes a seat. “What’s up?” He says with concern. I take a deep breath. “Derek, I have depression.” I say. He takes a minute to process. “Thank you for telling me baby girl. Is there anything I can do to help?” He says. “Just don’t treat me differently?” I ask. He smiles. “Of course. You’re my baby girl and nothing changes that. Are you worried that I’m going to treat you differently?” He asks with confusion. I nod. “Penelope, depression is a part of you. It isn’t all of who you are. You are still the same person that I know and love.” He says with certainty. “Okay. Thank you.”He leaves after that and I sigh with relief. Abby looks at me. “How did that feel?” She asks. “It felt really good.” I say with a smile. “Good. I will see you on Monday.” She says. I get up and leave.

The next week on Thursday, I walk out of therapy to see both Derek and Hotch sitting in the lobby. “Hey guys, what’s up?” I ask nervously. “I’m really glad you told me baby girl.” Derek says. I can tell that he has been hurting not knowing what’s been going on with me. Hotch looks at me with pride. “I’m going to talk to Abby and see about you coming back to work after your Monday session.” He says. I look at him with surprise. “I’m not really sure If I’m ready for that.” I say. “Just think about it okay?” Hotch says with a smile.

The next few days I spend my time trying to figure out how I feel about going back to work. I know that I want to, but I’m still not sure I’m ready to. On Monday, I go to therapy, knowing that we are going to talk about going back to work. “Hey Abby. I say with a sigh. “Hey Penelope. I heard Hotch talked to you about going back to work. How do you feel about that?” She asks. I sigh. “I want to go back, but I don’t know if I am ready to. I feel like I’m still not stable enough to go back to work.” I say. She smiles. “Penelope, two months ago, you couldn’t tell anyone about your depression. Look at where you are now.” She says. I pause and think about what she said. “True, but going back to work means that I deal with cases again.” I say with a sigh. “Are you worried about them triggering you?” She asks gently. “Yeah. You know how much I’ve been through with my family. Some of the cases are really hard for me to deal with.”

She nods. “Do you think you would be able to use your coping skills or reach out when things are getting worse?” She asks. I shrug. “Penelope, I know things with your family haven’t been easy for a while now. I also know that you felt like you found a family when you joined the BAU.” She replies. “Yeah, I have. Which makes it hard. I don’t know if I’m ready to face them yet. I haven’t talked to some of them since this stuff started.” I say. “Okay. What if you did something else with them before you went back to work? Something fun that you all enjoy. That way you could see them and get more comfortable with them before you have to deal with cases as well?” She asks. “That might work. I guess I’m just scared to see them again.” I say with a sigh. “Why are you scared to see them?” She asks. I sigh and roll my eyes. She’s really annoying right now. “Because I kept all of them out of what has been going on with me. If they are my family, then I should have been honest with them.” She looks at me. I know that she’s going to play devil's advocate. “They are your family. The should be understanding of what’s been going on. Family doesn’t have to be blood. It just has to be someone who will support you.” She says. I smile slightly. “Okay, I’ll think about doing something with them.” I say. “Okay, I’ll see you on thursday.”

I get up and leave. In the lobby, I stop. I know that if something is going to happen, I’m going to need JJ to be there. For that to happen, I’m going to have to get Hotch to help me set it up.I could text her. Or I could just stop by her office. I know they are not on a case right now. I guess I’m going to have to face the BAU again at some point. I take the elevator and get off at the BAU floor. I walk up to the doors and stop. I decide that I should talk to Hotch first. I take a deep breath and pull the doors open. I don’t stop to talk to anyone. I walk straight to Hotch’s office. I knock on his door. “Come in.” I open the door and he glances up. When he sees that it's me, he quickly closes the folder. It’s probably case related and I’m still not cleared for duty.

He looks up at me. “Hey Penelope, what's up?” He asks confused. I take a seat. This is going to take a while. “I want to have a get together before I go back to work, but I’m not sure how to set it up. I feel weird asking people.” I say with a sigh. He thinks for a little while. “We could have it at my place and I could invite everyone.” I sigh. “That would be amazing. When do you think we could do it?” I ask. “Well, right now we are not on a case. Who knows when that’s going to change. Let's do it tomorrow night.” He says. I nod. “Thank you Hotch.” “No problem.”

While I’m waiting for the elevator, Derek walks up to me. “Hey baby girl, whats up?” “Just went to talk to Hotch.” I say with a sigh. “Okay. Everything alright?” He asks. “Yeah. its fine.” I sigh. Luckily the elevator comes then. Derek gets on it with me. We ride in silence. I’m really glad when we get off.

I go home and fall on the couch. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. I know it has to happen at some point. The rest of the day, I just watch tv. The next morning I wake up anxious. I do not want to go to this get together. I know it will be good to see them. I’m just not sure I’m ready to. I sigh and get out of bed. I take a shower for ½ an hour. I cry most of the time I’m in the shower. I decide that I need to talk to Abby about this. I get ready to go and drive to the FBI. I manage to get up to her floor without running into anyone.

I knock on her door. She opens it and looks concerned. “Penelope, what’s up?” I sigh. “I don’t know if I can do this.” I mumble. “Do what?” She asks with curiosity. “Go see my team members again.” I say quietly. She nods. “When are you seeing them?” “Tonight.” I sigh. “Okay, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” She asks. I sigh. “They could all be upset at me and not want to talk to me.” I say with a sigh. She looks at me with a look that makes me reconsider. “Are you sure about that?” She asks. I sigh. “No. I’m pretty sure they will care about me and be happy to see me.” I say with a sigh. She nods. “Are you worried about them asking where you have been?” She asks. I nod quickly. “Okay, I understand not knowing how to answer them. You don’t have to tell them what’s been going on.” She says. I look at her annoyed. “They deserve to know. They care about me and have been worried.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, it’s up to you, but you need to be comfortable with them. How about telling them that you have been taking time for yourself? Eventually you can tell them the truth if you want.” She says. I nod. “I think I can do that.” She smiles. “Feel better?” “Somewhat. I think I’m ready to do this now.” I say. “Okay, I’ll see you in a couple of days.” She says. I nod and get up and walk out.

That evening, I go over to hotch's house. I get there before anyone else. “Hey Hotch, is everyone coming?” I ask nervously. “Yeah. Neither JJ or Derek have told any of them what has actually been going on. It’s up to you how much you tell them.” He says confidently. I nod. The doorbell rings. Hotch goes and gets it and JJ walks back in with him. “Penelope, I didn’t expect to see you here.” She says surprised. I smile. Hotch chuckles. “This was her idea.” Hotch says. JJ looks at me in amazement. “You’re ready to see everyone again?” She asks. I nod. “Yeah, I am.” The doorbell rings again. When Hotch returns, Emily and Dave are with him. When Dave sees me, he gives me a big hug. “It’s good to see you kiddo. How have you been?” He asks kindly. “It's good to see you as well. I’ve been doing pretty well. How have you been?” I say with a smile. He smiles at me. “I’ve been pretty good. It’s great to see you.” He says.

Once everyone gets there, we eat dinner. The rest of the night is upbeat and relaxed. I don’t tell them what’s been going on. I just tell them that I’ve been taking some time for myself. Everyone is happy to see me. We end up hanging out late in to the night. We laugh and tell jokes. We talk about what I’ve missed in people's personal lives. I leave feeling happy and content. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. It’s a weird feeling. It’s nice, just weird. I know that this what a healthy life is like. Hanging out with friends, feeling happy, having fun.

The next day I just hang out at home. I’m so bored. On Thursday I go to therapy. Once I take a seat on the couch, we start talking. “Hey Penelope, how was it seeing your coworkers?” She asks in an upbeat tone. “It was good. They were all happy to see me.” I say with a small smile. “That’s good. Do you feel more comfortable being around them now?” She asks. “Yes. It felt really good to be with them.” I say with a smile. She nods. “Do you think you are ready to go back to work?” She asks. I look at her for a little bit. “Yeah, I guess.” I say slowly. “Good. I think that you are as well. As long as you continue to see me, you are cleared for duty.” She says with a big smile. I smile. “Thank you Abby.” I say softly. “Don’t thank me. You did all of the work. I’ll let Hotch know today. Also, you still have to see me. You can’t skip just because I cleared you for duty.” She says sternly. I laugh. “Okay. I promise I will still come.” I say. “Good. Now, I’ll see you on Monday.” She says with a small smile. I nod and leave.

I go home in a good mood. I’m cleared for duty. That means I can go back to work. It means that I don’t have to be home alone all the time anymore. Hotch texts me that night and asks when I want to start again. I tell him that I’ll start on Monday after I see Abby. That gives me the weekend to get used to the fact that I’m going back to work. Friday and the weekend I just hang out at home. JJ comes over and we watch a movie and order pizza.

On monday, I pack my bag for work. I go to the FBI and go see Abby. “Hey Penelope, did you start back to work yet?” She says with a small smile. “No. I’m starting today.” I say. “How do you feel about that?” She asks. “I’m nervous. I know that my coworkers care about me and want to see me. Yet I’m still worried about what they think of me.” I say with a sigh. She nods. “Do you really have anything to worry about?” She asks. I sigh. “I guess not. I know that everything will be fine, but I worry that it won’t.” I say. “It’s okay to be worried. Just don’t let it control you or what you do.” She says. “Okay. I think I’m ready for this.” I say. “Alright. I’ll be here all day, so if you need to talk just come on up. Otherwise I’ll see on Thursday.” She says. “Okay. I’ll see you later.” I get up and take the elevator down to the BAU.

I walk to my office and turn on the lights. The last time I was in here I cried so much. I just stand there and take it in for a couple of minutes. My door opens pulling me back to reality. Hotch walks in. He’s smiling. I know that he’s proud of me. “Hey. If you need to at any point feel free to go talk to Abby.” He says. I know that he’s trying to make this as easy for me as possible. I nod. “Thanks Hotch.” I say. “Anyway, we have a case.” He says with tension. “Okay.” I say. I follow him into the conference room.

Two months later

Things have been going pretty well. I’m down to seeing Abby once a week instead of twice. I’ve been coping with working cases really well. Nothing has been too triggering. I hang out with my coworkers. I don’t hide behind my mask of happiness anymore. My coworkers are okay with that and realize that being happy all the time isn’t the real me. I’m okay with being a little more open now. JJ comes over every couple of days when she isn’t working a case.

The next case we get is a really bad one. The couple was forced to kill themselves. Hotch leaves JJ behind and I know it’s for my sake. She hangs out in my office for a while. My depression is pretty bad and I know it has to do with this case. Once JJ leaves, I lock the door so I can just be alone for a little bit. I just sit there staring into space. I’m trying not to break down in tears. It doesn’t work. I end up crying. I hate that I’m crying again. JJ knocks on my door. “Penelope, let me in please.” she says with worry. I get up and open the door for her. She can see I’m crying. “Penelope, go talk to Abby.” she states. I nod and walk to the elevator.

When I get to her office, I knock. She opens the door immediately. “Hey Penelope, what's going on?” She asks with worry. I plop down on the couch. I’m crying and not talking. “Penelope, does this have to do with the case you're working?” She wonders. I nod. “Okay, do you want to tell me about it?” She asks gently. I take a deep breath and talk through the tears. “The couple was forced to kill themselves.” I shutter. “Okay, how has this case made you feel?” She asks. I look at her and roll my eyes. “Seriously? How do you think it has made me feel?” I say with sarcasm. She raises an eyebrow. I sigh. “It’s been really hard and it’s bringing back things I hadn’t thought about in a while.” I continue to cry. She nods.

“Do you think it would be a good idea to hand this case off to someone else?” She asks. I know that she's worried about me. “No.” I say sternly. “Why not? There’s nothing wrong with asking for help Penelope.” She says softly. “I’m going to have to deal with hard cases. I can’t hand them off to someone else every time it's hard.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, its one case, not the rest of your career.” I roll my eyes at her. “I don’t want to have to give up any of them. I want to be able to deal with them. I managed to do it before, I know I can do it again.” I say sternly. She gives me a look that says ‘seriously, is this how you want to play it?’ I sigh. “I know how I dealt with things before wasn’t the right way to do it. I just want to be able to prove that I’m okay and can do my job.” I state. “Who are you trying to prove that to? You’ve been working cases for two months now. All of your coworkers that i’ve talked to are proud of you. They can see that you are meant for this job.” I sigh. “I guess I’m trying to prove it to myself. That I can be good enough at something.” I say. “Penelope, you work for the FBI. It’s one of the hardest places to get accepted at. Why do they think they chose you?” She asks. I shrug. “I don’t really know.” She makes eye contact with me. “They chose you because you are the best at what you do.” I let it sink in for a little bit. “Okay.” I say. “Do you believe me?” She asks. I nod. “Alright. Do you think you’re okay to go back to work?” She wonders. “Yes, I do.” I say confidently. “Okay. Come back up if you need to talk more.” She says. I nod as I get up and leave.

After talking to her, I feel better. The rest of the case is tough. I manage to get through it. It’s painful and I cry more than I thought I would. Yet I make it through. The case ends with the bad guy being killed when he tried to shoot Derek. I feel a little bit better knowing that he isn’t alive anymore and can’t hurt people that way again. The whole case brought up memories for me that I didn’t really want to deal with. I know that I’m always going to have memories and feelings that I don’t want to deal with. This case proved that I am able to deal with whatever comes my way. For the first time in a long time I feel content with who I am and what version of myself I show to the world.

#cmbingo19 #Penelope Garcia #aaron hotchner #Jennifer Jareau #derek morgan #Criminal Minds #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #therapy #depression #Suicide #self harm

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hotchnerfuckmeup · 7 years

Text

Now and Forever

Emily Prentiss x Reader

Anon: An emily x reader where they're enaged and then emily 'dies' and the reader is absolutely distraught and can't cope or anything and then she comes back and for the next few weeks they're glued to the hip and it's really angsty and fluffy??

A/N: It’s been a while since I’ve watched this episode, so if I get any information wrong, then that’s why. I would rewatch the episode, but I’m ocd and don’t want to lose my place where I am, so I just looked up as much information on IMDB as possible. And for possible copyright purposes, I used a quote/dialogue from IMDB as well. :) Slight flood warning, this is a long one!

She stood up as JJ walked back into the waiting room. Being forced to wait here while her wife was in there being poked and prodded didn’t sit well with her.

“How is she?” she asked, her voice peaking with worry.

JJ’s eyes watered as she looked at Y/N, Emily’s wife-to-be. She began to shake her head, almost unable to utter what she spoke next. “She never even make it off the table.”

Her eyes no longer held back the tears that were begging to fall. Her fiance was gone, and she didn’t even get to tell her a proper goodbye.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N,” JJ whispered as she pulled the now sobbing woman into her arms, holding her carefully. The other agents stood up, tears flowing from their eyes as their sad expressions were fixed on the now broken woman in front of them, a woman who usually stood taller than most. She was the strongest of the bunch, but not now.

Now she was the most vulnerable, felt the smallest. She felt like the weak one as JJ rubbed her back soothingly, trying to comfort her as she dawned over the fact that Emily was gone, that there was nothing that would bring her back.

Spencer came up behind her, letting his eyes pour tears freely down his cheeks as he wrapped his arms around her frame, pulling her close as JJ stepped away. Garcia and Derek approached and joined the sad hug, all crying at their loss.

JJ nodded to Hotch and walked her to the next room over, telling him something that may or may not have been important.

The fact was, Emily was dead, gone forever, and in that room were all the people she left behind without being able to say goodbye.

Now she was only a part of their memories, a small fraction engraved in their brains and she would never again get to open her eyes to lay them upon her family, the agents she loved most and the woman she loved more than anything in the world.

She would never get to smell the fresh scent of coffee again, or get to feel the cold winter air upon her skin. Her senses were diminished with her spirit, and she was just gone.

And that’s what tore Y/N up the most.

She was asked if she wanted to help carry the casket, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. So instead, the rest of her team carrying it through the cemetery as she waited at the hole in the ground they were to bury her in.

Everyone’s head were hung low as they lowered the casket into the gaping hole in the earth, watching as it lowered six feet under. The all stood in a line, and one by one, each of them grabbed a handful of dirt from the mound left beside and threw it onto her coffin, each muttering sad “I love you’s” and “I’ll miss you’s”. But when it was Y/N’s turn, she didn’t mutter a single word as she picked up a handful of the soil and threw it onto her fiance, tears forming at the corners of her eyes.

JJ and Hotch watched on with heartbroken expressions, a guilty look passing between the two of them, but Y/N didn’t notice. She was much too focused on the hole beneath her, symbolizing the hole she felt in her chest.

Finally, she let a tear drop from her iris, watching as it fell into the earth below. She let it soak into the soil that would forever hold the love of her life before she walked away, not stopping to listen to the service, and instead heading back to the limo, asking the driver to take her home without as much of a goodbye to her teammates. She couldn’t do it, listen to anyone talk about the beautiful life that belonged to the beautiful soul that was Emily Prentiss. She couldn’t hear anyone utter her name without falling apart completely, so she had to leave.

She just wanted to go home, so that’s what she did.

Sergio climbed up to the top of the bed, pressing his paws gently into Y/N’s sleeping face.

“Alright, I’m up. You are so relentless,” she said sleepily, swiping at him to get off her. She looked through her narrowed eyes at the clock on the bedside table. It was well past noon. She sighed and flipped over, staring at the empty side of the bed. It wasn’t supposed to be empty, but it was. And it would be that way for the rest of her life.

Sergio meowed and pawed at her feet which were peaking out from the sheets.

“Okay, I’m getting up,” she told the cat, gently kicking him away as she climbed slowly out of bed, trudging out of the bedroom she used to share with her true love and made her way to the kitchen, starting up a brew of coffee.

The cat meowed as he brushed against her legs, feeling her sadness radiate off her, wanting to comfort her in any way he could.

Y/N sighed as she peered down at the feline, bending over to pick him up and cuddle him close.

“I’m sorry, Serg,” she whispered. “I’ve been cranky. I’ll get better, I promise.” She gave him a quick peck on his furry head before setting him back down. Just ask his paws began to roam the floor, her cell phone rang.

She ignored it, just like she’d done in the past month, pretending to be dealing with her problems, when really she just wanted to be alone.

As it continued to ring, she poured herself a cup of coffee, not bothering to put any cream and sugar in it as she sipped on the black liquid as her phone finished ringing. Standing in the kitchen, she stared out the window at nothing and sipped her coffee. It was the same thing she did every day when she woke up. Since the inevitable happened, this was her routine and she stuck to it. It was unhealthy, but it didn’t really matter to her. Nothing did anymore.

Suddenly, her doorbell rang. She sighed with a roll of her eyes and sat down the coffee cup before heading towards the door, listening for the voice she knew she’d hear.

“Y/N?” JJ’s voice was slightly muffled by the wooden door between them, but the sternness was loud and clear in her tone. “You have got to stop this. I know what you’re going through. We all do. You’re not the only one who lost her, don’t you understand that? But we’re coping with it, and you moping around in your empty apartment and still not coming to work is not going to help. You need to talk to someone. I know that’s the last thing you want to do, but it’ll help. Maybe it won’t but it doesn’t hurt to try.”

A tear fell down Y/N’s cheek as she sighed, trying to collect herself before opening the door to JJ, whose eyes were also red and puffy. As soon as they locked eyes, she broke again, letting out the sobs she’d held back for so long. JJ enveloped her, cradling her warily as she cried the tears that she hid away since her fiance left her. And together they cried until they just couldn’t cry anymore.

Things were seeming to get back on track.

Y/N was back at the bureau, saving lives every day like she always wanted to do. But suddenly their team was in jeopardy, and Ian Doyle was back, the man who tore apart her life.

“What’s going on?” she asked as she entered the conference room. JJ and Hotch had called the team in for a meeting, saying they head something important and most likely shocking to tell them.

“Is this about Doyle?” Y/N asked hurriedly, knowing she wanted in every fiber of her being to kill him and do to him what he did to Emily.

“I need you all to listen carefully,” Hotch said as he nodded to JJ, prompting her to close the door.

“Seven months ago, I made a decision that affected this team. As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle. But the doctors were able to stabilize her and she was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under covert exfiltration.”

Y/N felt her face heat up and water collect at the corners of her eyes.

“Her identity was strictly need-to-know, and she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security.”

“She’s alive?” Penelope asked with teary eyes. Y/N’s heart felt like it was going to leap out of her chest.

“But we buried her,” Spencer said quietly, his lips gaped a tiny sliver.

“As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed towards me,” Hotch finished, looking pointedly at Y/N.

“Any issues? Yeah, I got issues,” Morgan said angrily, taking a step. His fists were clenched at his sides, trying to surpress the extreme anger that began to boil inside him.

Y/N continued to look at Hotch, their eyes locked for a long time.

“Emily’s alive?” she asked quietly.

“I understand if you’re angry-”

“She has been walking on this planet for the past seven months while we sat here thinking she was dead?” she asked, interrupting her boss.

“Oh my god,” Penelope muttered through her tears as the door opened.

And there she was.

Emily was here, in the flesh, alive and real. Y/N wide eyes fixated on the woman she fell in love with.

The room stayed silent as the two women looked at each other, one with a shocked expression, the other with a guilty one.

“You’re alive,” she finally choked out, swallowing a sob.

“I’m so sorry,” Emily whispered as she began to cry, too.

Y/N didn’t waste another second to run into her arms, aching so badly to feel the touch of her skin again, something she’d been deprived of for seven months, something she thought she’d be deprived of for the rest of her life.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N,” Emily said again into her hair, holding her closely. Their grip on each other was tighter than it had ever been.

The rest of the shocked, confused, and ultimately angry agents in the room just watched the reunion with tired and sad eyes. They wanted to be happy that Emily was alive. She’d get to smell fresh brewed coffee after all, and she’d get to feel the cool winter air on her delicate skin. She’d been smelling and feeling and seeing and hearing and tasting for the entire seven months that they thought they’d buried her.

Spencer quickly walked out of the room without a word. Morgan managed to pat Emily on the shoulder as she held Y/N as a silent welcome home, but his furious features remained on Hotch.

Leaning back, Y/N looked up at her fiance. Slowly and carefully, she reached up to her face and stroked her cheek, as if to check to see if she was real. “I love you. And I was never going to stop loving you.”

“I love you too, Y/N. And I would never stop, either.”

And finally they kissed, tasting each other after being starved for months. The other agents quietly left the room, leaving the two women alone, each giving Emily some kind of acknowledgement to say welcome home as they walked out. Dave, the last one out shut the door behind him.

“You were alive all along,” Y/N said finally, her voice a mixture of sad and shocked.

“I wanted so badly to tell you,” the older of the two replied, sitting down in one of the chairs. Y/N sat in the seat next to her, facing her. “For my own safety and yours, I couldn’t.”

“I understand,” she replied honestly.

“I knew you would,” Emily said with a smile, holding her fiance's hand. “JJ told me about the first few weeks, though.”

Y/N sighed, ready for the lecture. “You were dead. How was I supposed to react?”

“I’m not saying it wasn’t justified. You had to walk in here every day seeing my picture on the wall stating that I was dead. But the thing is, you’re not the only one who lost someone that day.”

“I know, everyone lost you that day, the whole team-”

“I’m talking about me,” Emily interrupted. Y/N met her eyes again. “I had to leave you guys and I couldn’t even see you.”

Y/N looked down at their intertwined hands, realizing that Emily lost her family as well all those months ago.

“We lost each other, and I don’t know how many times I’ll be able to say I’m sorry.”

They were silent for a few more moments before Y/N’s puffy eyes looked back up to Emily’s.

“But we’re together now,” she whispered. Emily’s lips curled into a tiny smile.

“Now and forever.”

And then they kissed again.

#emily prentiss #emily prentiss imagine #emily prentiss fluff #emily prentiss fanfic #emily prentiss fan fic #emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fan fic #criminal minds fanfiction

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