#anyway go read this if you haven’t it gave me like 8 new disorders

[wovenstarlight]

YWBK update: chapter 25 + liner notes

yesterday will be kinder has updated! you can read chapter 25 here, or start from the beginning here

okay, on to notes and commentary! first time i’m doing these, let’s hope this works out. commentary under the cut to save people’s dashes

Hamin laughs. “Given how bad you are at not being suspicious, that’s understandable.” “Oh, come on, I’m not that bad.” Hamin screws up his whole face in a squint. “Okay, so maybe I’m a little bad.”

this part was really funny to me when i wrote it because i was like “hmm reasons for DHM to understand why HHJ wouldn’t work in the guild” and then i was like Wait. Their Whole First Meeting, Dude. DHM was lowkey convinced for the longest time that HHJ was like, on the run from the KR version of the mafia, and got plastic surgery to look like his little brothers, and is possibly in some sort of witness protection program??? or something??? how else does he not have cops on his ass this man is so suspicious all the time

“I don’t think… They said the dungeons were, like, different worlds? Did they find people there?”

mafia theory second place. dungeon theory first place

“Like, humans? Um. No, no humans.” “So then you can’t be from there. Okay.”

dungeon theory shot down. mafia theory back in the running

“Hey,” he says cautiously. “I’m— I’m gonna go get us some water, okay? Why don’t you… take a minute.” “Okay.” “The bathroom is over there, if you need it.” “Okay. Thank you.”

after four years working alongside a guy you start to notice when he’s feeling a little out of it and needs a bit of a break... but as JHW mentions later you also learn to be a little subtle about giving him one

jung heewon What’s with your typing? It reads like Jihye’s [HYJ]’s fine. Very energetic Too energetic? He’s going to burn out. How do I make him calm down

Epic Burnout Man makes a reappearance! when translating sclass one of the things that makes me want to shake HYJ most is his habit of constantly adding things to his to-do list while he already has 1 billion things on his plate. and all the time he’s whining about “UGH there’s SO MUCH WORK to do” No One Asked You To Do It

Anyway. the point is. HYJ isn’t about to be beat by HHJ at Developing Issues 😔

jung heewon I haven’t spoken to him directly about this because if he’s anything like you he’ll take it as an insult You wtf whts tht supposed 2 mean quit typing jung heewon Better not say shit, mr “No, I can’t take days off and cater to my interests or go out with friends or on a date, I’m too busy taking care of the kids and making sure their needs are met, no I don’t care that there are thousands of people out there balancing personal enjoyment and romance and work AND kids at the same time, are you suggesting I be a BAD GUARDIAN to MY KIDS?”

see above re: not being too direct with pointing out when HHJ’s having Issues because he doesn’t react well

You wht but our eyes r fine jung heewon Even if having glasses doesn’t run in the family, you should still get him checked, just in case

top 10 funny time travel moments: referring to you and your past self as “us” (our = my eyes are fine), but other people think you mean “our family” (our eyes are fine = no family history of long/shortsightedness)

Also. Sooyoung-ie says hi [Attachment: 20XX1213_144516.jpg] 

ok no lie this was one of the parts that pissed me off the most, even though it’s Literally One Line, because. i love chat exchanges. i really do. when done right they’re a lot of fun to read. But Do You Know How Long It Took Me To Figure Out A Calendar For The Events In This Fic. now everything’s TIMED i have to count HOW MANY DAYS IT’S BEEN since XY event so i can CORRECTLY NUMBER the FILE ATTACHMENTS!!! this sucks!!! it took me fucking forever to pin down a timeline just so i could write this chapter plus the few before and after it!!!!

anyway i gave up when i reached year. i just put 20XX. fuck it. we are running on fairy tail time now. (actually i think that’s XXnumber number? XX76? or was it X796. something like that. Who cares i stopped watching fairy tail forever ago)

Fuck it! Hamin will understand!! “If you Awaken you should come work with me,” Han Hyunjae says all in a rush. 

“HAMIN WILL UNDERSTAND” => he literally was cool with me giving zero context for half a dozen absolute balls to the wall nonsense bullshit things i’ve done before. he’ll be fine with this too. dog_in_burning_house_this_is_fine.png

“You already know about the guilds, those are going to be for dungeon Hunters, but I was thinking of forming something like an independent group of contractors. Awakened people with skills that aren’t useful for combat, but that might… that will be generally useful. It’d be you and me, and maybe one other guy I met recently. Probably more in the future.”

given that HHJ has no idea currently that peace exists (i’m so sorry baby i’ll find a way to shoehorn you in soon i miss you so much) he’s got no intentions to start a kiseungsu business yet! he mostly wants to live quietly while just acting as a manager for other Awakening-related services, like YMW’s forge and DHM’s tracking service, along with the information exchange/lowkey spy ring that he’s planning on setting up with JHW and the bar. since HYH is fine associating with him in this timeline, HHJ’s thinking he can get a foot in the door that way, then eventually spread out into dealings with most major guild leaders

RIP to this plan. you were well-made but you will not last long.

“Please, I can’t tell you how I know that, I really can’t, it’d put me and my brothers in danger if it got out. But—” “No need.” Hamin looks slightly alarmed, and Han Hyunjae feels himself settle at the obvious concern in his eyes.

MAFIA THEORY RAPIDLY RISING TO PROMINENCE??? THIS IS NOT HOW DO HAMIN WANTED HIS GUESS CONFIRMED

“I spoke to the Task Force Head and she said that there’s been discussion about hosting a meeting for the nearby high-rankers, where they’ll announce the guild proposal and see who else is interested in trying it out.”

“they’ll announce” i’m sorry king 💔 you deserved a nap

(OH ALSO FUN FACT choi eunyoung is a canon character, not an OC of mine! she appears in uhhh i think late 140s? 150s? something like that)

“I think there’s… probably only one other S-rank who’s Awakened right now?”

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehhehe

Hamin beams. “No, they’re doing great! Spookie’s taken really well to the new housing situation, but I think Spots might miss the store…”

shoutout to @daemonic-dawn​ for letting me borrow a pet name, love u king. i had a much longer ramble about pet names here but i finished typing and realized it was all entirely off topic so i removed it for convenience

Hyunjae makes an annoyed noise in the back of his throat. “Don’t— I mean.” He huffs, visibly taking a deep breath, and Yoojin frowns reflexively. [...] “Is everything alright?” Yoojin kind of wants to be annoyed at his tone on principle, but he forces his shoulders to relax, matching Hyunjae’s posture. Though he can’t stop himself from being a little short when he answers.

things the brothers have learned in four years living together: getting confrontational often leads to arguments that just fizzle out anyway, so it’s way fucking easier to consciously tone down their combativeness in advance when talking to each other about things they have problems with, instead of screaming their heads off and then having to calm yoohyun down afterwards to boot

“I guess. Whatever.” Yoojin slumps. “Can I…” “Hm?” Hyunjae blinks at Yoojin as he gestures to the spot on the bed beside him, then jolts. “Oh! Yeah, sure, c’mere.” He opens his arms, and Yoojin goes over and flumps on the bed, head in Hyunjae’s lap. Almost immediately, Hyunjae starts stroking fingers through his hair, and Yoojin relaxes into the touch, listening as Hyunjae continues speaking.

cuddles 🥺🥺🥺 sorry i don’t have any other commentary here just. cuddles. extremely and overwhelmingly comforting for a man who spent the better part of 8 years(?) with no major positive relationships, and a kid who spent 12 years of early life basically abandoned by his parents. you had best bet they gave up on not hugging each other 1 year into this whole mess

Yoojin hums in acknowledgement. It’s not like he’d ever let himself get hurt; he has too many responsibilities to his family and friends. If he wants to be good enough to keep up, he can’t afford to fuck up like that. But… hyung will worry if he keeps working so hard. He can slow down a little for him. 

Problems disorder man when will you stop. the way he sees “getting hurt” as an inconvenience and an obstacle to his duties rather than a danger to himself. the way he doesn’t really care if he himself gets hurt, but if it’ll worry his family, then it’s a no-no. it’s just. wow. i know i wrote this but i hate him

“Not really. I talk to Myeongwoo about it sometimes.” “Ah, right, Myeongwoo.”

haha gays

“Don’t be weird about him,” Yoojin warns[...]. “I won’t, promise.”

if the “i won’t” line had a dialogue tag it’d be “Han Hyunjae lied”

“Is Eunwoo still in his relationship?” “Mhm, happy as ever. Apparently they’re trying long-distance, now that Eunwoo’s gone off to university abroad.”

three guesses for who eunwoo’s dating and you won’t need the first two

Hyunjae raises his hands like he’s going to deny the accusations levelled against him, so Yoojin seizes him by the collar and shakes him until he cries for mercy

oh my o/rv ass struggled so bad with not writing “shakes him like a man betrayed” here. it killed me not to. but in the end i prevailed (against, uh, myself. don’t think about it too hard.)

“Jeez, okay, he’s an F-rank!” “Eh?! Then why—” “He’s also got an SS-rank potential skill,” Hyunjae admits[...].

play-by-play of this scene because god if i draw any scene in this fic it would be this one just for the sheer hysterical nature of HYJ’s reaction:

YOOJIN: I HATE YOU WHAT THE FUCK WHY. TELL ME HIS RANK

HYUNJAE: HE’S AN F

YOOJIN: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK?

HYUNJAE: he’s also got an SS-rank skill,

YOOJIN:

#star.txt #work: yesterday will be kinder #writing commentary #my writing #making impulse decisions today. very tired. godonight i hope you enjoy but also you'll have to enjoy without me

[purplesurveys]

1248

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say?  I feel like I’ve answered a similar situation recently, but I would assume it was a drunk text or wrong text, inform them about it, and move on.

Do you play video games?  Nah. I do feel a sort of connection of video games since I grew up surrounded by them, though; but I’m more of a watcher than anything. I like watching playthroughs of video games I’ll never play. Do you spend a lot of time with family?  No. We used to, back when the quarantine was still a relatively new thing – we hung out in the living room all the time. But now that we’ve settled in this new normal, we’re back to our normal routines and I usually like staying in my room.

Is your house more than two stories tall?  Technically, yes. We have a rooftop that serves as the ‘third’ floor.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you?  My ex and I never hit one another; that’s a gigantic red flag even I would notice, considering I ignored most of the ones I saw hahaha.

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!)  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to answer this question directly, but I like my generosity. I’m not sure if I can call it attractive, though. But if we were focusing on physical features, I like my smile.

What color is your hairbrush/comb?  Pink.

What snacks do you have available in your household atm?  My dad splurged on chips in his last grocery run so we actually have quite a lot of junk food in the pantry at the moment. He also bought several packs of cookie sandwiches, wafers, sunflower seeds, and garlic-flavored peanuts.

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive?  Neither.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged?  No, she’s just a good friend of mine.

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you?  I guess I don’t, because I’m not even aware of them.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female?  Guy. It was another reporter, so I just ignored it and luckily he didn’t PM me just to ask to add him back, which others have already done. I really hate when work people try to make their way into my personal accounts.

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you?  My parents, especially when they are rude to service crew. Gen X-ers are impeccably talented at that, apparently.

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate?  Around two or three weeks ago when I had dinner at Angela’s. Her dad gave me a bar of Crunch so I can have something sweet after our meal.

Do you play any games on Facebook?  No, I never did hop on that trend.

What would you like to get a degree in?  I wanted a degree in journalism, and graduated with such. At the end of my college stint I didn’t want to pursue it anymore, but I pushed through with it anyway because it was too much of a hassle to shift and start all over.

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? Technically not, because I stay up until the middle of the night anyway. It’s been a while since I fell asleep anywhere between 8 to 10 PM.

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game?  Watch a show.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater?  I don’t like either; I get fries instead.

What genre of films do you like the best?  Drama.

How many bank accounts do you have?  Two but I haven’t been using the other one in months. That was the bank account I initially opened when I first started ~adulting~ but when I got employed I was required to enroll in this other specific bank, so that’s what I mainly use now.

Have you ever had the flu?  Not really. I just get the occasional fever that pop out of nowhere.

What is your goal for the next few months?  Start saving FOR REAL, and also prioritizing furniture over merch for a while so I can finally fix up my room, which is quickly starting to look and feel like just a warehouse and not very homey at all.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life?  Nope.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience.  Yeah, it was from barbecue that apparently went bad, even though it tasted nothing of the sort. I woke up at 3 AM sweating profusely and with the most excruciating stomachache; I was feeling hot, cold, and nauseous all at the same time, and it probably lasted for like an hour or so.

What are two things that you have no problem paying full price for?  Sealed albums and my pets’ vet expenses.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex.  Charming and smart.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it?  It felt nice to help people.

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? Good question; I’ve never encountered this before. I would let her live a more comfortable, privileged life, where she didn’t have to staple her shoes to keep them closed or have to choose between eating at a fast food restaurant or being able to commute back home.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? I’m not sure, actually. Everyone’s always slightly taller than me.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you?  I haven’t.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see?  Tumblr, I guess? My survey blog isn’t for any irls to see.

Which is worse: dusting or mopping?  I don’t really do either often, but I’ll go with mopping.

Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious?  Not for me.

Did you pull a senior prank?  No, that’s not a thing here. Did you graduate?  Yeah, elementary, high school, and college.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship?  Nope.

What was the last song you listened to?  It’s a song called Epiphany.

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision?  Not ever since I was like 9 lol.

Is fashion one of your interests?  I’m way more interested in it now for sure, mostly because the celebrities I’m into these days put a lot of effort when it comes to their style; so it makes me more aware of the trends that come and go, as well.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone?  I’m keeping it as a possibility, but it’s not a priority for me now.

Do you care what people think?  To an extent, I would say. My life doesn’t depend on it, though.

Is acting something you enjoy?  Never been.

What was the last thing you broke/sprained?  Do you mean a thing or a body part? Anyway, I’ll answer both. The last thing I broke was my BTS Mic Drop pen of V looooooooooool the figurine came off the pen :(( It was pretty cheap though so I’m fine with it; I can always get another one. Last body part I sprained was my ankle, when I had a bad fall a couple of years ago.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours?  Either hasn’t happened.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language?  I don’t think so.

Whose house, other than yours and your families', are you most comfortable at?  Angela’s. Also JM’s, just because their family doesn’t hover and that vibe can sometimes be nice whenever I’m at someone else’s place.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you?  Never.

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? Not as a very young kid, but I took up table tennis starting when I was 12. Did you ever watch the show Full House?  Nope.

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry?  Now that’s just delusional haha. I’m pretty obsessed with some celebrities, that much I can admit; but thinking of them in the context of marriage is so many steps overboard.

Have you ever burned someone’s picture?  No. I could, but I am scared of fire and will probably just think of other ways to express my anger, like tearing up the photograph. What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on?  Total length was probably like 3 hours. I haven’t gone too far when it comes to hiking.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo?  Not interested.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? Hans.

Do your parents smoke cigarettes?  My mom tried it once in her life, I think. My dad has never smoked.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it?  “Hope right here!”

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want.  Anything that’s supposed to roam freely in the wild, like squirrels.

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller?  Taller, since I’m already quite pint-sized to begin with lol.

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times, it's too painful. It also depends on the era of the pictures. < Agree, especially with the eras. Childhood photos are always fun to look at, but I have had to delete a CHUNK of photos from years ranging from 2014 to 2020 because I’ve lost a handful of friends from that period.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people?  It’s hard to for the most part, but I’ve noticed very few people people really don’t. Most of the time it’s bullshit though.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in?  That it’s pretty close to the metro.

What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during?  Hmm, I prefer TV shows if I’m craving comedy.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during?  Life Is Beautiful.

What’s your favorite restaurant?  Omakase for my sushi fix; School Tteokbokki if I want Korean; Yabu if I’m looking for a generous rice meal.

Is there a dessert you don’t like?  Anything with fruits.

Favorite album?  After Laughter by Paramore.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it?  I can name authors instead of books – John Green and Haruki Murakami.

Underwater or outer space?  Outer space.

Dogs or cats?  Dogs.

Kittens or puppies?  Puppies.

Bird watching or whale watching?  Whale watching. I don’t get to be in the water as much, so I would jump at the opportunity.

What is your spirit animal?  I dunno if I have one but let’s just go with dog and elephant, I guess? They’re my favorites.

What was your best subject in school?  History.

What was your worst subject in school?  Chemistry.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school?  Don’t waste your time.

Who is your fashion icon?  Audrey Hepburn.

Diamonds or pearls?  Diamonds.

What color dress did you wear to prom?  For my own prom it was cream-colored/beige. When I went to Mike’s ball, I went with a royal blue gown.

What’s your favorite plot-twist?  I don’t think I’ve found my favorite yet.

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?  Not actively.

Honestly, what’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?  I dunno...road rage, maybe?

Honestly, ever made anyone cry when you were mad?  It’s very likely.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?  Sometime in the last week.

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? No thanks.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call?  Nope.

Who are you closest to?  Angela.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience?  No, all the ones I’ve been to have been amazing experiences.

Are you currently sad about anything?  Not really. I can’t complain.

Have you had any form of exercise today?  Nah.

Can you handle blood?  Nope, I will feel faint if I see it 100%.

Has any place hired you underage for a job?  No.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon?  I haven’t.

Are you currently searching for a job?  No, I like the one I have.

Does eating breakfast make you sick?  No?

#survey #surveys

[cat-brodsky]

The Secret History: Abridged (part 2)

Fair use disclaimer: The following text is intended as a parody and literary commentary of the published book “The Secret History” by Donna Tartt. Some direct quotations from the book, constituting a very low percentage of the original, have been integrated in the parodic text where appropriate. The author of this text neither profits nor intends to profit from it.

Dramatis personae

The farmer, brutally murdered by four rich kids on a drug trip

Richard Papen, the narrator, a slightly less starry-eyed youth slowly growing addicted to drugs

Julian Morrow, a Greek professor who doesn’t actually care about his students

Bunny Corcoran, killed on Easter, lying at the bottom of a ravine covered by snow

The Toffs minus one:

Henry Winter, increasingly exasperated as the Greek class spirals into self-destruction

Francis Abernathy, gay, neurotic, and slowly descending into alcoholism

Charles Macaulay, a full-blown drunken abuser

Camilla Macaulay, the token girl

Judy Poovey, the only character in the book with both brains and heart

The Corcorans, Bunny’s large family, grieving and “grieving” the loss of their son

Georges “I told you so” Laforgue

Cloke Rayburn, the friendly neighborhood drug dealer

William Hundy, the friendly neighborhood bigot

the greek chorus (played by a person in a floral bedsheet toga with two sockpuppets)

The Fans, seated in the front row of the audience

    Chapter 6, in which it snows on Easter

Richard: Just for the record, I don’t consider myself an evil person. What we did was terrible, but you know, none of us were exactly bad!

Richard: Anyway, that’s totally unfair. I thought murdering Bunny would be easy, but for some reason now I’m having nightmares and everybody is on edge and we’re scared the cops are onto us!

Judy: Want some Demerol?

Richard: Sure, nothing could go wrong with thaaa- oh wow I’m hiiigh.

Francis: ohgodI’m so damn nervous - oh, hi, Richard. Wanna f-

Charles: And I’m three sheets to the wind. Soused. Pished. Drunk.

Francis: Gimme some.

the greek chorus: and that’s gonna be a theme for the rest of the book

    The Toffs (minus one): We need to act normal. How do we act like normal people. We could say we were watching some of that new-fangled cinematography whilst the murder, I mean the accident, happened. Do we call the cops? Wait, uh, not yet...

Julian: My student has been absent for more than three classes in a row, should I be concerned? Haha, just kidding.

Cloke: Man, I don’t like this. You know Bunny’s always broke, but he’s been flush with cash lately. And he’s always wanted in on my... pharmaceutical business. You think he ran afoul of some real bad guys and got himself killed?

Henry: Oh, he just might have.

Cloke: Damn. Let’s go search his room before calling the cops.

Charles: He had a cut-out of the newspaper with the farmer murder! Oh well, good thing I managed to swipe it.

    The cops: He’s been missing for a week and nobody informed us? What’s wrong with you people?

Judy: Richard, have you heard about Bunny? I’m sure he’s alright, but... If you want to talk, or need anything, I’m here.

    The search for Bunny: begins

The reporters: present

William Hundy: Daymn right I saw ‘im! He was in a back seat of a white car, with some arab type folks. Now I ain’t saying they was terrorists, but you know them daymn arabs-

Henry: Who’d have thought people are going to make things up? And who’d have thought giving him money would look suspicious?

Francis (drunk): I’ve had to spend time with the Corcorans. How utterly terrible. One of the damn children running around ruined my favorite scarf. And they didn’t even notice - what’s more important, their dead son or my scarf? By the way, Richard, I am definitely not attracted to you.

Julian: One of my own students - missing? I would be sorry for his parents if they weren’t so... low-brow. But he's such a sweet boy, so silly; I'm really very fond of him. If anything should have happened to him I don't know if I could bear it. Goodness me, this is altogether so very exciting, so dramatic!

Henry, stars in his eyes: There’s divinity in the midst of us.

    The FBI agent: We found drug paraphernalia in Bunny’s room.

Mrs. Corcoran: How dare you!

Cloke: I want a lawyer.

Camilla: Did you know Henry had us kill a piglet after that accident with the farmer? Blood can only be washed off with blood, he said.

Richard: Haha, that’s so Henry.

the greek chorus: and then the body is finally found

    Chapter 7, in which everyone takes drugs

Everyone in Hampden college: mourns in a sufficiently dramatic way

Julian, writing a letter: Dear Richard, this is all too hard for me. I fear I have a case of the vapours and thus, I shall not return to Hampden until after the funeral. Who cares about the classes you’re taking with me, amirite?

The Toffs: stay with the Corcorans in preparing for Bunny’s funeral

Mr. Corcoran: my son... oh god my son is dead ...you boys want a brewsky?

Mrs. Corcoran: And those flower arrangements we were sent are atrocious. Simply shameful.

Francis: What do you mean we have to sleep in the basement? That’s just wretched.

Richard: This funeral is so inconvenient. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this. And the food they serve us is terrible.

Henry: And the garden is so ugly.

Camilla: I can’t take it. Let’s steal some drugs from the Corcorans.

Cloke: Lemme show you where the missus keeps the good stuff.

Francis and Henry (drunk): Gimme some.

Charles, Cloke et al: get stoned the morning of the burial

Richard: Bunny’s grave is just terrible to look at. Oh, I cannot even.

    the greek chorus: farmer who?

    Chapter 8, in which it all goes to hell

Julian: Henry is such a sensitive young man. I fear this is hard on him. And Edmund and him were so very close. But why did he have to read such a... modern poem at the wake? I would have suggested something from Phaedo.

Richard: Time for more drugs

Charles: Time for more whiskey

Francis: Time for a shopping trip!

Francis was always generous with his clothes. He gave Charles and me his old suits by the armload. I still wear a lot of those suits: Sulka, Aquascutum, Gieves & Hawkes.

the greek chorus: no comment

    Henry: is gardening

Francis: gets diagnosed with an anxiety disorder

Charles: crashes his car driving drunk

Charles: makes out with Camilla in full view of Richard

Francis: Yep, they're doing it. Haven’t you noticed? Him and I slept together once or twice too, big deal. Hell, Richard, if you drank as much as he did, we would have screwed too.

Richard: ...Jesus. And I’m stuck with these people until I graduate.

    Charles: falls asleep outside while drunk

Richard: Well, he has a fever of 103 Fahrenheit, which, going by my premed education means uh... Judy, what do we do?

Judy: Go to the hospital, of course! Wait, take my car. I’ll give you the keys.

Julian: So young Charles is in the hospital? Dearie me, you all must be grieving for Edmund. Though, is death really so terrible a thing? It seems terrible to you, because you are young, but who is to say he is not better off now than you are?

    Francis: Oh, and I think Camilla and Henry have been sleeping together. And she moved out of Charles’ place. I think they had an argument.

Richard: Well, I’m not taking sides, but this is a really bad time. You should go see him.

Camilla: ...Charles was physically abusing me. I’m afraid of him. And I can’t stay at Francis’ place, because he’d fold like a wet tissue.

Richard: So is that it? You're protecting your own interests?

the greek chorus: DID YOU JUST-

Richard: What if Charles goes to the cops?

Camilla: He’d never do that. And Henry is looking out for him.

Richard: Sure, that’s why Henry’s been sending him whiskey.

    Richard: Time for more drugs. I’m on soooo many drugs. Did... did Henry plan it all out? He... he totally planned it out.

Henry: is gardening

Henry: For my entire life, I’ve been dead inside... but everything changed the night I killed that man.

the greek chorus: finally someone remembers the farmer

Henry: You don’t care much about other people, do you, Richard?

    Julian: A most terrible thing has happened. A letter, purportedly from the late Edmund, has been delivered to my office - filled with profanity and wild accusations and references to some... murder. A forgery, of course. It saddens me greatly that someone would do that. I wonder who...

The Toffs: oh no

Julian: Why, by Jove, this is the letterhead of the hotel where Edmund and Henry stayed on winter break!

Henry: ...I can explain. You see, during that bacchanal you sanctioned, we went a little wild and wound up recreating The Bacchae - it wouldn’t be authentic without a little killing, right? It was just an accident, we didn’t want to bother you. But then Edmund found out, and he, well... overreacted. He was having some personal problems, you know, family problems... Professor, you said it yourself - we must do what is necessary! Really, it was a mercy killing.

Julian:

Julian: ...why, that's terribly interesting. Anyway, I have just been urgently called away from the university. Istran royal family, you understand.

Henry: But-

Richard: But-

Julian: Gotta leave now, toodaloo!

Henry and Richard: ...son of a-

    Richard: You know, in hindsight, Julian is kind of a huge prick. I even wrote down that his inability to see anything in true light was his most attractive quality. Turns out he used his students to boost his ego like some sorta cult leader.

Richard: And you know what’s messed up? I still admire him.

Dean of Studies: Cozy place Julian’s got here, doesn’t he? Well, now that he’s done a bunk - three weeks before final exams - I regret to inform you that you guys will have to switch your majors or something. I doubt the school will keep teaching Greek.

Dean of Studies: After all, there was so little interest in the subject that Julian only had six students, right?

The Toffs: ...SON OF A-

    Francis: Charles has gone off the deep end. We’ve gotta take him out to the country, let him keep drinking there.

Charles: Henry’s trying to kill me.

Henry: Am not.

Charles: Are too!

Henry: We need to get him into rehab or something-

Charles: walks in with a gun

Henry: Never mind.

Charles starts shooting; Henry wrestles the gun from him.

Richard: Oh no. I’ve been shot.

Henry: I’m so done with y’all. Why do y’all have to be so incompetent? Can’t a man commit a murder in peace? And worse, Julian has up and fled! I loved him! I believed him! Duty, piety, loyalty, sacrifice my ass! I’m outta here.

Henry shoots himself.

the greek chorus: he lived like a Roman and died like a Roman - from lead poisoning.

Camilla, Charles, and Francis exit stage left

Richard: ...Uh, I’ve been shot? Hello? Anyone?

The Hippie enters stage right. Together with the greek chorus, they start carrying Richard off-stage.

The Hippie: It’s all a metaphor, man. Henry has a limp, from the car accident, right? Well, he’s Satan and he’s here to ruin lives. Julian gets off scot-free, but it doesn’t matter cause his soul is damned, man! That Donna chick is Catholic, right? That’s why Bunny was going on about sin and forgiveness - cause he knew what up and he has a chance in purgatory, man, but the others are Pagans so they don’t. Deep, man.

the greek chorus: man, you’re high like a kite.

    The Epilogue, in which nobody is happy

Richard: Yeah, well... Everyone except me dropped out. Turns out that our group was only really held together by Julian’s cult-like teaching and Henry’s blind devotion. And that once we couldn’t pretend to be better than everybody else, we stopped wanting to see each other. Or it might have been the two murders, who knows.

    Francis, in the hospital after a suicide attempt: So, my grandfather found me with Kim, a nice young lawyer, balls deep in me, and threatened to disinherit me-

Richard: That old homophobe!

Francis: Oh, no, that's cause Kim is Korean. Anyway uh this is my beard - my dear Pricsilla whom I'm gonna have to marry.

Richard: Or you could actually... work for a living.

Francis: That’s inconceivable. I mean, you work, but you are used to menial labor.

    Richard: So... what does Charles do these days?

Camilla: He drinks.

Richard: Good old Charles. Anyway, Camilla, will you marry me?

Camilla: Not a chance.

    Richard: Oh well. At least I got Henry’s brand new car out of this whole mess. That’s a net gain if you ask me.

    the greek chorus, narrating: “As a writer I’m giving the reader signs to help create the story with me. The reader is bringing his or her own memories, intelligence, preconceptions, prejudices, likes, dislikes. So the characters in your copy of the book are going to look and sound different than in mine. I have my own ideas, but once the book is out there it’s not really mine anymore, and my own idea isn’t any more valid than yours.” Donna Tartt, 2019.

The Fans rush onstage.

Fan 1: Henry did nothing wrong!

Fan 2: Who wants to have a bacchanal?

Fan 3: omg look at my character moodboards

Fan 4: What if we kissed over a copy of the secret history

Fan 5: dark acadamia(sic!) aesthetic

Fan 6: Donna Tartt died for our sins

    the greek chorus:

the greek chorus: FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

    Curtains.

#the secret history #donna tartt #dark academia #henry winter #tsh

[acrobaticcatfeline]

Logan and His Little Bumble Bee (Single Dads AU) Chapter 2!!!

Word Count: 5924

TW: Ok geez, so Logan outright hates his ex, hes pan, abuse, cheating, drugs, abandonment, smoking, mental disorder, neglect, swearing, uhhhh I think that’s all. Let me know if I missed something!

Notes: First chapter here!!! I’m so tired guys. I’m so tired of everything and this was the best de-stress I’ve had in forever. I’m glad to be done with this part, I probably wont have time to write for real until summer. I have like 6 more weeks of school then comic con and then I go to my moms so I’ll probably write while I’m there. I love these boys and I’m glad you all enjoyed it, and I hope you enjoy this part just as much!!!

Pairings: logicality, past Logan and OC (her name Mercedes and I hate her a lot), familial logince, familial moxiety, platonic prinxiety

Summary: “DAD!!! VIRGIL WANTS TO HANG OUT AT THE PARK CAN WE GO???” It’s been 9 years. Yeah yeah what a time skip!!! It’s Roman’s 11th birthday, and he has to have dinner with his mother. We already know he has a large distaste for his mother. Logan is weighing the pros and cons of trying to keep his ex in their life, neither of them like her but it’s healthy for Roman to have her around isn’t it? He makes a big decisions and mistakes, but you know, it ends well in the end doesn’t it. I mean, this is a fluffy fic.

“DAD!!! VIRGIL WANTS TO HANG OUT AT THE PARK CAN WE GO???”

Logan sanders was tired. Yes still, we haven’t jumped that far yet! His son Roman, 11 years old today was as talkative as ever. He was in 5th grade now and he had made more friends and proved to learn words very quickly. In fact, Roman had been put into the honor program at his school and was excelling in all his classes, and to Logan’s surprise and delight, he enjoyed them all too. Roman would come home from school and do his math and science homework and would do his English homework with Logan when he had the time. Logan would have to hold his tongue when Roman told him about what he learned in history, he wouldn’t tell him just how horribly biased the information he was getting was until he was older. He still stayed friends with Virgil, as they went to the same school, but that also meant Logan has had to continue to keep his cool around Patton, who has only gotten more attractive in the past 9 years. And yes, he still hasn’t said anything about his affections, listen, he’s nervous and what if he says no it would ruin their relationship and then Roman would hate him for making him not able to spend time with his best friend and he can’t do it. I mean Roman already had trust issues with his mother he couldn’t do that to him.

Speaking of his mother…

“sure Ro, but remember your mom wants to come over and celebrate your birthday ok? We can’t be out too long, she’ll be here by 8 and its 4 right now. Grab your phone and we’ll go ok?”

“oh yeah. I guess… yeah I’ll be right back.”

Logan hated how deflated Roman got whenever his mom was brought up. He had tried, he tried so desperately to repair what she had broken with him, but he had no clue what had happened and as such couldn’t even begin. His ex had started making an effort supposedly, almost immediately making an appearance to attempt to fix what was broken.

She failed. Roman refused to visit her alone, he wouldn’t stay at her place for a weekend, he would almost go into a panic attack if Logan had asked her to babysit, causing him to find a way to cancel it every time. He hated that his ex had ruined her relationship with him so badly. He was desperate to give Roman a good family, but he constantly wanted to strangle her. She was just… so insensitive! He would get things for Roman that Roman hated, or something that Logan expressly said Roman wasn’t allowed to have, and directly going against his wishes as his caretaker. She would bring noisemakers, leading Roman to be infinitely noisier, and what person gifts a kazoo to a 10-year-old whose dad still got little to no sleep? Either way, it would be… cruel, to keep Roman’s mother from seeing him on his birthday, especially since she had put forth the effort. So here he was, forcing himself and his son to go through the interaction. At least he would be able to commiserate with Patton. That would give him the energy to get through dinner with her. Roman ran around the corner in his star fire teen titan’s black t-shirt and jeans.

Logan smiled at his son and ruffled his hair as they headed out to the park. He was especially proud of himself for raising his son without the idiotic idea of gender roles. Sure, Roman loved iron man and captain America, but his favorite superheroes had been wonder woman and star fire ever since he had started watching tv or reading comics. When Roman took a liking to star fire from the teen titans’ cartoon, Logan had taken him to the local comic book store and had bought the first 5 issues of the new teen titans comics, having done the research to ensure he got the right thing.

They walked to the park, and as soon as they got within distance, Roman took off running, already seeing Virgil. Logan chuckled, and continued walking. When he caught up Roman was clinging to Virgil who was laughing loudly. He approached Patton with a smile, and Patton held up a bag with a gentle smile.

“Virge said it was Ro’s birthday, so we got him a little something. I imagine once he can stop laughing, he’ll tell him. How are things lo?”

“oh geez, you didn’t have to, he’s spoiled rotten by you guys enough on every normal day.”

“nonsense!!!”

“heh, anyways, things are… tense. Mercedes wanted to come over and celebrate Roman’s birthday, and Roman is… less than excited to say the least.”

“oh gosh, that sounds like a time. Hopefully things are ok?”

“hopefully. I have a strong feeling she’s going to start an argument with me about how she should have custody if I’m not in a relationship because its detrimental or something idiotic, which you know I think is funny considering that Roman literally gains symptoms of anxiety and ptsd when around her, as well as the fact that I am a medical professional who works with children in actual detriment for half of my work days. Besides, even if Roman did want to live with her I wouldn’t be able to let him be there with her new boyfriend. I’m at least 70% sure that on top of his addiction to cigarettes he’s a drug addict, and I’m not putting my son in that situation. Oh, sorry that was, word vomit I apologize.”

“no no don’t worry about it, you have valid concerns and emotions. Its better for you to talk about it now instead of blowing up at her, if not for your sake, for Roman’s.”

Logan smiled and nodded. He often forgot that Patton was a therapist and had similar training in psychology. He looked over to see Virgil and Roman running over, Roman directly at him, and steadied himself for the incoming impact. Roman launched himself at him and Logan caught him and dispersed the energy towards him by spinning the boy in a circle. He lifted him higher with a smile.

“is this my little bumble bee? Hmm, I don’t know, my bumble bee giggles when I do… this!”

Logan flipped the boy upside down and Roman squealed with laughter. He put him back down and Roman surged forward again to give him a hug. Roman looked up at him with a big toothy grin and if there had been a piece of his heart that hadn’t yet melted from that little smile, it didn’t survive much longer. He smiled back and nodded his head in the direction of Patton and Virgil.

“I hear vee and pat got you a birthday present, you wanna go thank them and open it?”

Roman’s face lit up brightly and he nodded. He thanked the other two profusely and gave them big hugs and went to open the gift. He gasped loudly and showed Logan the contents, being a video camera, a set of big headphones and an adult coloring book, one of the few Roman hadn’t gotten yet. Logan smiled gently and silently thanked Patton for the gift, Roman had a tendency to break earbuds quickly, and would play his music on his phone very loudly. It was a much-needed expense that Logan hadn’t been able to get yet.

“you remember the rules with that right bee?”

Logan doesn’t have to elaborate, Roman nods firmly, pulling the red beatz headphones out and putting them on. He smiles even wider than before and launches into a hug for Virgil and Patton. Logan grabs the book and camera and smile at the 3. What he wouldn’t give for this picture to be a constant, where the 4 were simply happy in each other’s presence.

“remember Ro, we only have a few hours, we need to make the house presentable.”

There was tenseness in Roman’s shoulders at the reminder, and god he wished he could cancel, could tell her off, could keep her away from Roman but he had no proof, no evidence, that anything had ever happened, only the few things Roman had told him which essentially added up to ‘moms not here’ and while that could be from neglect or trauma, it could also just be that he was stating the fact of the moment. He had no way of knowing and Roman may not even have those memories stored. Regardless, they had to meet her, or she would try to press charges. And even if he would win, he didn’t have the time or money to deal with it.

Roman and Virgil played for hours, and Logan just talked with Patton until they had to leave. Roma was immediately uncomfortable as soon as they started walking home, and Logan hated it passionately. They cleaned a bit and Roman insisted he had to change. He came back down in a black long sleeve shirt and a white avengers t-shirt over it. He didn’t look comfortable, actively making himself look small, and he looked unhappy. Oh geez, how could he let this happen to him? He had a right to tell his ex off, to keep her from seeing him, she had formally signed over full custody when she first dropped Roman off, he had the right to keeping her out of his sons’ life, especially when her presence caused the poor boy so much stress.

That’s it. This is the last time. If Roman ever wants to spend time with her he will let him of course, but at the moment she was damaging Roman just by being brought up. He would tell her after Roman went to bed. If she had a problem, she could figure it out. She was… as Roman had put it years ago, bad. Plus, she had been a huge drain on his life as well. If he never saw her again it would be too soon…

Knock knock

Speak of the devil and she shall appear…

“hello Mercy, please come in!”

Please leave and never come back you spineless wretched bi-

“why thank you Logan! Roman!!! I’m glad I get to see you again!!! Happy birthday kiddo, I have a gift for you!!!”

I bet it’s a gift card to an adult shop, you have no tact you wicked monstrous ba-

“oh! Um, yay! Dad made dinner, do you want some pasta Mercy?”

And there was a look shared between the adults, an accusing one that made him out to be a tactless a- uh, jerk… who never referred to her as Roman’s mother as if that was the case… how dare she imply, assume that he would stoop to her standards.

“oh yes please Ro! I would love some!”

Roman gave Logan a look and Logan gave a small nod before Roman dashed into the kitchen. Mercy gave Logan another angry look as Roman rounded the corner, speaking in a hushed tone.

“so, I see you truly haven’t taught him to respect his mom?”

“I do my best to keep my disdain for you under wraps, so he doesn’t see it. Either way I rarely refer to you as anything other than his mom regardless of how little you deserve to be referred to as such.”

“oh yeah well it seems you’ve failed. I was so much more successful taking care of him you really should relinquish custody to me”

“listen if you want to have this pointless conversation again it can wait until Roman goes to sleep. I would prefer not screaming at you while my son is just around the corner.”

“oh woe, however could you let MY son see you being the truest form of you! A vicious monster who hates all women!”

“keep your voice down Merce. None of what happened more than a decade ago matters right now. I’m not vicious and I certainly don’t hate women. I just hate you.”

“why I outta-”

Roman bounded the corner with three bowls of pasta and a content smile on his face. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his parents glaring at one another. Logan turned towards him and the scowl faded into a grin. Mercy also fixed her posture and made her face neutral. She turned and smiled at Roman sweetly, and it made Roman’s skin crawl. Nevertheless, he smiled back and set down their bowls. He couldn’t wait for dinner to be over, then he could go take a shower and go to bed. He just had to make it through dinner…

“thank you, Ro, I made some veggies too, I’ll go make us some plates of that. Why don’t you unwrap your gift Roman?”

Roman nodded and mercy smirked as she handed him a bag. As he walked into the kitchen, he heard the bag open and a small gasp. When he returned, he saw a t-shirt on the table and a plush captain America plushie in his hands. He slowly brings it into a hug and thanks mercy. Logan put down the plates and signals to start eating. Halfway through dinner, mercy asks the question he knew was coming.

“so, what did you get him Logan?”

He refrained from cackling and backed up to grab Roman’s gifts. He set down two boxes and Roman looked at him with stars in his eyes. He opens the top one first, revealing a rotating constellation lamp. He smiled widely and wiggled happily in his seat. Mercy’s face was already less proud and conceited. Then Roman opened the next one, causing him to squeal and tackle hug Logan.

“I really really wanted a ukulele!!!!! Thank you so much dad I can’t believe you actually got one!!!”

He smiled softly as he hugged the boy. He looked up at mercy and felt his smile widen at the distaste on her face. He coaxed Roman to sit back down and finish eating, and he gave mercy the smallest hug afterwards and then Roman went upstairs to get ready for bed. Now he and mercy were in a free for all. No holding back. Logan could already hear the shower upstairs running, nothing here was sacred. Mercy could and would play dirty now. And Logan wasn’t about to back down. They were both ridiculously stubborn and absolutely hated each other and thus why their breakup was particularly ugly.

“you outdo me every time. You know you don’t need to buy his love? You can just try to be a halfway decent father.”

Oh ok. No build up this time, straight to the arteries.

“listen mercy I know you’re narcissistic, but I didn’t realize you projected so hard! If I had realized I would have therapized you sooner! Please, tell me how your home life was like?”

“oh, ha ha! You need to give me custody of him Logan. He needs a stable REAL family and a constant mother figure. Its mentally damaging to him-”

“oh? Oh really? Really please do tell me, a mental health doctor, how it is mentally damaging for him to have a single parent? Please bestow your wisdom on me high and mighty waitress from Denny’s without a college degree!!!”

“listen jackass its been scientifically proven that it causes mental disorders!”

“by fucking who??? Freud??? Because if you listened to anyone ever in your high school years instead of fucking a grand total of 9 guys at once maybe you’d know that Freud is full of shit!”

“its not my fault you’re shit at relationships lo”

“yeah well its also not MY fault that you cheated on me with 8 OTHER GOD DAMN GUYS!!! Its also not my fault that your boyfriend is a fucking druggie!!! Of all the guys you’ve fucking dated I think I’m the only one who doesn’t do drugs, and you know I don’t feel comfortable letting my son that you DROPPED ON MY DOORSTEP and handed full custody of over after 2 years live in a coke den. Don’t particularly want him to get second hand smoke either. I’m not giving you custody. If you wanted fucking custody you would have fucking raised him. You know I’ve taken him to therapy, and I’ve figured something out. Apparently, he likely has DSED. But you don’t know what that means do you? Its disinhibited social engagement disorder. It’s a trauma disorder that has to be related to a traumatic series of events from before the age of 5. Seeing as some of Roman’s first words were ‘mom bad mom not here’ I have reason to believe that you have neglected and abused him and then handed him over to me so you couldn’t be held responsible. Now you want him back so you can claim its my god damn fault well its too fucking late Merce. I’m giving you a choice Mercedes. Either you walk away and keep out of Roman’s life unless he requests you, or I will file a restraining order. Your choice.”

“…you never change do you Logan. I hope you grow up some day. I truly do. I guess this is goodbye.”

“sayonara Mercedes. If I never see you again it will be too fucking soon.”

And she left. She’s gone. He’s never going to have to do this again, and neither is Roman. He lays against the front door once she’s gone and calls Patton.

“hello? Logan its pretty late for you, you don’t usually call this late, is something wrong?”

“no. no something is wonderfully great Patton I’m free. Roman is free, I finally gathered the nerve. She’s never coming back Patton. She’s gone, she’s out of our lives no more whispered arguments just out of hearing range, no more cursing yelling matches while Roman goes to sleep, no more pretending I can stand her for Roman’s sake, its done, its over good god I haven’t felt this happy since Roman spoke his first words.”

There was silence on the line for a minute. Then a chuckle.

“I’m so happy for you L!!! I’m so glad you don’t have to put yourself in that situation anymore! I’m so proud of you!!!”

Logan held the phone with both hands, feeling like a teenage girl in a love song video. He smiled wide and nodded before remembering that he wasn’t on video call.

“thank you, Patton. I’ll let you get some sleep. Good night pat.”

“night L”

He hangs up and make his way upstairs. Roman is sat in his bed patiently waiting for Logan. He dives under his covers when he sees him. Logan sits on the side of his bed with a smile.

“hey kiddo. Guess what?”

“what?”

You don’t have to see your mom ever again if you don’t want to. Any meetings will be completely your choice.”

Roman’s eyes widened and his smile grew.

“you really mean it?”

“yessiree”

Roman gave Logan a huge hug yet again, and Logan stroked his hair. He was finally able to protect his baby boy. When Roman let go, Logan walked to the wall and pulled out a bag and handed it to Roman. Roman looked at Logan and began ripping the bag apart at the nod Logan gave. He opened it to see statuettes of wonder woman, star fire, and Harley Quinn, his favorite superheroes, and villain, ever. He let out a gasp and tackled Logan in a hug for a third time in the last hour. He sets the half foot tall statues on the nightstand next to his bed.

“do you want me to set up your constellation lamp?”

Roman nodded excitedly. Logan hooked up the lamp and calibrated it with the date, so it showed tonight’s stars. He fixed a few other things in Roman’s room, cleaning up his laundry corner, rearranging his book shelf, and putting the last few toys away in his toy box. He hung up the new shirt Roman got and tucked the captain America plushie in with him. He set the new ukulele in a stand on Roman’s shelf. Finally, he unhooked Roman’s dream catcher from the string that hung above his head. He took it to the window and blew on it. He hung it back up and walked right next to Roman’s bed. He began to tuck the boy into bed.

“you want a lullaby Ro? And would you like me to plug in your night light as well as your lamp?”

“yes, and yes please dad?”

“of course, Roman”

Little child, be not afraid the rain pounds harsh against the glass Like an unwanted stranger There is no danger I am here tonight

Little child Be not afraid Though thunder explodes, and lightning flash Illuminates your tear-stained face I am here tonight

And someday you’ll know That nature is so This same rain that draws you near me Falls on rivers and land on forests and sand Makes the beautiful world that you see in the morning

By the time he reached that point in the song Roman was completely passed out. He smiled fondly on him and kissed his forehead before lighting the night light, a bumble bee on a lily, and the constellation lamp and leaving.

He went about his own routine until he laid in bed. He looked at the clock next to his bed. It read 10:03. He impulsively picked up his phone and dialed Patton.

“…uhh, Logan? What’s up? I was just settling down for bed…”

“um, sorry I just uh…”

“out with-it L, I’m too tired to understand your silliness.”

“…I’m in love with you. Have been for a long time now but I just um, I just had a burst of confidence and that confidence is abandoning me so I’m sorry, this is stupid, I’m stupid, ignore this I’m sorry I’ll go, sleep well Patton good night”

“wait what?! Logan wait hold on-”

Click.

Oh good. He’s going to have to own up to that in the morning. Maybe he should go have a drink? No no, much too late for that. He’d just sleep it off. Yeah that’ll work.

When he woke up the next morning his phone was blown up with missed calls, voicemails, and texts from Patton, which makes tons of sense in hindsight, but you know the saying, hindsight is 20/20, and his normal vision is significantly less. Either way, he hesitantly listened to the voicemails, after ensuring that Patton wouldn’t see that he did. There were varying levels of distress in each.

“Logan! Its Patton, please pick up? I need to talk to you about this. Are you ok?”

“Logan!!! Its Patton I swear its not what you think, please just pick up and talk to me!”

“Logan? Its Patton. I don’t know if you’re ignoring me or if you’re just asleep, but I… I need to tell you something too. Call me back when you get the chance.”

“………………”

Logan felt awful. He already felt awful, but now he felt even worse. Look what he’d done! God he was a mess and he had the gall to drag poor Patton into it. God why did he do it, why didn’t he think it through? Imagine what Roman would think of him now!!! God, he messed up so badly. He grabbed his phone and walked downstairs to get hugged by Roman as he met the bottom.

“dad dad dad! Virgil asked if he and pat could come over, can they can they can they???”

Of course. He should have prepared for this. Its Sunday, the only time he and Patton’s work schedules coincided the whole day. Patton worked evenings on Saturday and Logan worked mornings on Friday and it was always Roman and Virgil’s favorite thing to do to come over to their house for breakfast then play all day. The two were never bored of each other. And it just meant Logan would get his just desserts sooner than he intended. Patton lived about a 10-minute drive away and that gave him very little time to look presentable.

“yes of course ro. In that case, I’m going to fix myself up, and when I’m done, how’s about we make some blueberry pancakes?”

Roman squealed and jumped up and down, before running to his phone. Logan made his way back upstairs. He brushed his hair, his teeth, and he got dressed. He put on blue jeans that he liked, a black t-shirt, and a soft light blue hoodie with a heart on it. It was a birthday gift from Patton from he thinks about 3 years ago. He had treasured it, even though it wasn’t much his style, it was something that felt inherently Patton to him and as mentioned a multitude of times before, he is really really gay. He fixed himself a gaze in his full-length mirror, checking to see that he was truly presentable. He saw the faintest of bags under his eyes, but those were probably from ro. He gave himself a silent pep talk before going to the kitchen. He saw Ro had already gathered all the ingredients and utensils they needed. He smiled and ruffled Roman’s hair. He rolled up his sleeves and put his hands on his hips.

“you ready to get cooking Ro?”

“absolutely!!!”

They had made the mix, and a few pancakes when the doorbell rang. Logan set the scoop down in the bowl and pushed his hair back. He smiled at Roman and asked him to get the door. The second Roman rounded the corner his façade fell. He was lost and scared and had no easy escape from the conversation he knew would happen as soon as the boys went off to play. He wasn’t ready. Not at all, but he had no choice anymore. He’d have to face it sooner or later.

“hi pat!!! HI VERGE!!!!! Come in, dads making pancakes!!!”

“oh, does he need any help?”

He heard Patton ask and he really hoped Roman would cover for him. He needed a bit more time before he had to be alone with him.

“oh no, he’s got this, he’s the most epic master chef to chef the seven stoves!!!”

Oh, thank god. He chuckled at Roman’s antics, always amused at how ridiculous he could be. He finished the last of the pancake mix and brought out 2 plates staked high with pancakes. He set them down with a smile and retreated again to grab sugar, butter, and syrup. He set them down and invited them to seat themselves. He had sat next to his son, and of course Virgil sat next to Roman, leading Patton to sit next to him. He did his best to just… eat and listen to Roman talk about this newest obsession, but his gaze kept wandering towards Patton, and it seemed that every time he glanced at him, Patton was doing the same. It wasn’t long at all before Roman and Virgil were finished and racing each other upstairs. He quickly made himself busy with gathering the dishes, his included, and bringing them to the sink to get rinsed off. He bounded the corner again, seeing Patton still making his way through a pancake on his plate.

“that the last pancake you want?”

“uh yeah, sorry I’m taking so long today, I’m still a bit tired.”

Logan felt himself twitch at that. Had he kept Patton up with worry? Nope nope not yet, not ready yet. He grabbed the extra pancakes and packed them in a bag. He rounded the corner yet again, seeing Patton finish his pancake. He stood with the plate and Logan grabbed it out of his hands. He smiled gentle at Patton, and he could have sworn he’d seen a blush on Patton’s face, but he was sure he was imagining. While rinsed the plate he started his coffee maker.

“you want coffee pat?”

He looked at Patton and Patton shook himself out of some sort of trance before making a sound of affirmation. A few minutes later he poured them both mugs of coffee, pulling out his creamer and sugar for himself and Patton to choose from. After they finished mixing it up, he saw Patton start to think of something to say, and he interrupted. He’d already had one argument in that room, he didn’t need the possibility of another one.

“would you like to step outside?”

Patton, who was staring firmly at his mug, looked up suddenly with an odd look on his face. He nodded quickly and followed Logan out onto the patio. Logan stood next to the fence around the deck, leaning on it and looking out on the little empty field that was behind his house. He had spent so much time there with Roman, he could barely remember a time before he had the kid. He heard soft footsteps approach the railing and smiled down into his coffee, hating the show of emotion and weakness he was having. He heard Patton take a deep breath and he nearly laughed at the situation he was in.

“so…”

“yeah.”

He heard Patton turn around, his back now against the railing. He hated this. He couldn’t stand this he didn’t want to have this conversation, he wanted to go back to sleep.

“so um, what you said on the phone last night… was-was that true?”

“heh, yeah. All of it, I’m-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you with that. Especially not as late as it was.”

He felt Patton’s gaze fall on him and he was harshly reminded how much he h a t e d this. He looked like a moron, can’t the time just reverse so he can choose not to decide to ruin his and Roman’s lives. God why did he fuck this up so bad-

“yeah no, if you had told me that literal years ago it would have saved us both some turmoil lo.”

Wait-

“what?”

Logan stood straight up and finally really looked at Patton. He had a gentle smile and soft eyes and god he never thought he would see that perfectly gorgeous look directed at anyone other than Virgil, let alone him. That was the look Patton gave Virgil constantly. It was a look of adoration and affection and love and god that was directed at Logan and he didn’t think he would be able to keep his composure if he kept looking at those beautiful blue eyes that were peering into his soul.

“I-I didn’t think-I mean you were just-god how oblivious am I?”

“only a lot when it comes to emotions. I mean, it’s not like I knew ether, and I literally talk people through their emotions daily for pay, so you know I think its pretty even there. You know you look really nice in that hoodie. I almost forgot I got that for you, I hadn’t seen you wear it in a good long while. I had thought you had gotten rid of it.”

“what? No, I would never! It’s the most comfortable thing I own honestly, and um, I was certain I was going to need comfort for this conversation but I… guess I was wrong.”

“Logan what did you think was gonna happen? That I would reject you and hate you or something?”

“uh, yeah? Well my worst-case scenario was that you would slap me for even thinking about it and then you would cut yourself and Virgil out of my life and then Roman would hate me as much as his mother, but you know its just how it goes I guess.”

“…Logan for such a smart man you can be exceptionally stupid sometimes.”

“I’ve heard that regularly, and I’m pretty sure my ex said something to that effect yesterday, so I mean you’re probably not wrong.”

Patton giggled softly. He continued to just gaze at Logan before stepping closer and placing a hand on Logan’s cheek.

“I really want to kiss you right now.”

“I-um, I uh me-me too-”

“may I?”

Logan nodded. Patton leaned in slowly, and Logan being who he is, impatiently closed the gap. It was… soft. It was soft and warm and everything Logan had imagined. However, cliché it may be, as Logan closed his eyes, he swore he could see fireworks. It felt like his own personal Disney happy ending that Roman loved so much. He was close enough to smell Patton’s hair, like a forest of olive trees and strawberries and happiness and love. Logan had never really been one for dramatics, but at the moment, he felt more at home than he had ever been before. He felt happy and he felt calm and he felt Patton’s arms snake their way around his hips and he wrapped his around Patton’s neck and god he was at peace.

“EWWWWW ROMAN OUR DADS ARE KISSING!!!!!!!!”

Well there goes the moment. Patton quickly broke the kiss and turned to see Virgil covering his eyes and hopping on his feet. He saw Roman run the corner and there were stars in his eyes. He covered his mouth and squealed while hopping around.

“is Patton gonna be my dad too???”

Logan couldn’t help but hide his face in Patton’s neck.

“maybe? We don’t know yet Ro, we’ll need a bit more time to figure that out.”

Logan was eternally grateful at Patton’s talent for answering children while also not revealing everything. He mumbled a small ‘I hope so’ into Patton’s neck and Patton giggled. He whispered back a ‘me too’ and Logan could swear he felt his heart swell in his chest. Virgil uncovered his eyes and looked at Patton with awe.

“wait… does that mean me, and Ro will be brothers??? We’ll be eternal playmates!!! Ro we’ll get to play together for forever this is so cool!!!”

“YEAH!!! I went from having one parent to two and a brother!!! YAY!!!!!!”

“oh gosh they’re excited”

Logan turned his head, now laying on Patton’s chest and looking at the kids.

“you two are so silly. You go back to playing unless you needed something”

“well uh we wanted to ask if you would play with us?”

“yeah!!! We wanted to play princes and villains, but neither of us wanna be villains. Could you please play with us?”

Logan leaned back and looked at Patton who had a bright smile on his face.

“why not? I’m actually already hungry again. I think some little princes would be delicious!”

The boys squealed and ran away, and the two adults gave themselves a moment, as well as the boys a head start.

“you know as over used as it is, I really am glad I get to be with you now. You have been my dream guy for years and now its not a dream anymore. Now I don’t know about you, but I have an appointment with some princes.”

“you know, so do I. how about it then? Ready to go?”

Patton gave a toothy grin and placed a small kiss on Logan’s cheek. He chuckled at the blush that grew on his face before releasing him. He held out his hand to Logan.

“as I’ll ever be! Let’s go!”

Logan grabbed his hand and two rushed upstairs. The two were so completely utterly in love. For once in their life they had another person by their side who they could hold close and trust aside from their kids. It was nice. It was really nice.

Taglist: @fivebyfive-finebyfive @tacohippy56900 @analogical-mess @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @angels-and-dreams @asleepybisexual @starbucks-remy @idioticsky @ijustreallylovesanderssides @superwholocked-for-life @band-be-boss-blog @llamaly @logicality-trash @fiive-second-cookies @whats-going-on-kiddos @snowshoe-main-blog @007ardra @internetwhy @musikasworld

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Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty!!!

#logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #single dads au #single sanders dads #child!roman #child!virgil #logicality #familial logince #familial moxiety #platonic prinxiety #tw abuse mention #tw neglect mention #tw cheating mention #tw abandonment mention #tw drugs mention #tw smoking mention #tw cursing #tw swearing #tw argument #tw fight #my writing #my fanfiction

[it5ju5tm3]

Stressed Out.

So I went to the Urgent Care today, because I have a sore throat and over generally feel like crap. 😷 Also my primary care doctor couldn't get me in until the 28th and I go on vacation on the 27th.

After a full physical and some blood work (that wasn't all that necessary) the doctor tells me that I have contracted a virus. Now this isn't like I'm going to become patient zero of the zombie apocalypse virus so there's that; however it is according to the doctor a new strain of the cold / flu virus that doesn't just go away after a couple of days of rest. Apparently this virus hangs on until you and your immune system kick it to the curb. How do we kick it to the curb you ask? Well according to the doctor I need to take prednisone which is some kind of medicine to break up all of the crap in my sinuses and I need to quote "kiss the day away" by sleeping as much as I possibly can for 3-4 days straight.

now I know I haven't had this blog long and there's only a few followers so nobody here really knows that I suffer from horrible insomnia. We're talking the kind of insomnia where you stay up for 50 plus hours at a time because every time you close your eyes you get horrible flashbacks to childhood trauma... Could sleeping sound really an option for me. when I brought this up to the doctor he told me that I likely contracted the virus do to, can you believe it? STRESS. And that those who are under extreme amount of stress are more susceptible to the virus.so if I am too terribly concerned about the amount of sleep I should get I should also try to relax. Does the dude not know that I can't relax? I have been living with generalized anxiety disorder or GAD since I was 5 years old and it's only gotten worse as you pile on the different experiences I've had in the 22 years I've been alive. So I asked him what he suggested I do to relax, and this is the list of things he gave me:

Reading. (I already do this)

Watching TV and or movies. (Duh)

Hot baths/showers. (shit makes my bill go up)

Aromatherapy such as candles or incense. (Bitch I'm a witch. That was first line of defense)

Drink some tea. (All I drink is tea.)

Avoid people that stress you out. (People stress me out but okie.)

Spend more time with people that make you happy or inspire Love and other positive emotions. (Hey that's actually pretty solid advice my dude.)

Continue to take any antidepressants anti-anxiety medications that you might be prescribed. (Well I mean duh but you're not wrong I should probably take those like I'm suppose to.)

Okay so dude man had like some solid advice. If I didn't have generalized anxiety disorder and already amplied most of those coping mechanisms to help with my anxiety, this list would probably have been way more helpful than it is. (Sorry that was totally a run-on sentence. 😜)

Anyway, taking this list into consideration as well as my medications here is the current plan for getting rid of this "you're stressed the hell out virus" (that's what I'm going to call it from now on.)

1.) (This is probably the most important one on my list.) Spend some quality time with the few people that matter most to me. There is a very short list of people in this world that make me utterly happy just by existing, because they're super good people and a very dear friends to me, i.e. my boyfriend, my little sister, and like 2 other people. (This is not including my furbabies.)

2.) Nap when I have a chance to nap because getting a solid more than 3 hours of sleep is not happening.

3.) Increase the amount of both tea water and Powerade I've been drinking to give my immune system a Fighting Chance. (For those of you unaware I have three autoimmune diseases so there's that.)

4.) Take both medications, that I have been prescribed to help with the anxiety and the sinus pressure.

5.) Avoid spending too much time with the people in my life that are causing me undue stress at the current moment in time. This will likely mean avoiding most of my family.

6.) Continue to burn lavender and rose incense and candles, to promote relaxation and stress relief as well as a good sleeping environment.

7.) Remember to spend at least three to five minutes writing in my journal every day to help organize my thoughts.

8.) Make my bed, because even if I don't get a whole lot of sleep, I still get much better sleep I'm crawling into a fresh clean, made bed.

9.) Try to do at least one thing that brings me absolute Joy each day. If I'm being honest I will probably attempt to apply this one to my life even after I'm no longer sick. Quite frankly, everyone should devote a little time everyday to something, for them, that makes them happy.

Anyway that's pretty much the end of this rant, thank you to those who have read down this far and I sincerely hope that your day / week is going better than mine.

#one day at a time #thoughts #my adventures #stressed out #personal rant #sorry for the rant

[baehraini]

i cbf screenshotting her posts again so ima just quote her

1) when I’m disagreeing with an small obessed group all of which have Some cluster b disorder in common, yes I’m going to call you the cluster gang

out of all of the women that have been agreeing with me about u... im the only one i know of that has BPD or any cluster B disorder. the others with the same are hardly the majority.

2) yes you have a problem with the g spot if you think it leads to ripping a woman’s vagina open. I told you that story about a lover I had who I gave a G spot orgasm too that freaked out over it before reading up on what happened . You have piss poor reading skills if you think that was about me fisting her. As I simply didn’t fist her at all. I don’t fist every lover I have either, just the few who express they would enjoy it.

heres ur exact statement

why the fuck bring it up in the middle of a convo about fisting? no im not opposed to fingering or .. the g-spot. the fuck. back-pedaling @ its finest here.

3) why complain at all about how many hrs another woman has sex? That’s all on you guys. I can eat sleep sex for weeks if I want to and have before, who cares what you think about it.

girl no one’s complaining, ppl just think its bull as do i. but like, do u. again, ur sex life is urs. normal people dont go aroudn talking about how much they fist women and these womens specific experiences & orgasms with descriptors of said women. thats personal shit. thats 99% of where people’s criticism is coming from. boasting & bragging about shit like this is so disrespectful to YOUR sexual partners and thats why youre being compared to straight men. 

4) I’m not into penetration myself and have said this many times, obviously I wasn’t talking about having that preference in any judgements way. I simply pointed out the fact if you bleed from more then one finger in you then that’s something you should check out as how do you even put a tampon in. Fact is that is not normal for most women and your vagina should not bleed so easily. I’m simply looking out for you by saying this.

i bled because she was very rough and bad with her hands. she also added in a second finger when i wasnt even wet enough for the first one to begin with. it usually takes me time to get to the point where im able to handle penetration bc im relatively tight. with my girlfriend, ive never bled. the entire point of me sharing that story was to explain why i personally cannot even comprehend vaginal fisting, not to say that no female can handle more than 1 or 2 fingers.

5) if a lesbians sex life is her business she should be able to openly talk about it without you flipping yr shit especially since this is my blog and you are a stranger I’ve blocked from it and told that if you don’t like reading it you are free not too.

why are you reading my blog tho? youre 20 years older than me & have gone as far as say theres something wrong with my genitals & made comments about how my sex life must be boring or w/e. does that seem appropriate to you? consider that my mom is 47. youre nearing 41. does it seem appropriate to you that you’re talking like this to someone that much younger than you? 

ANYWAYS, the issue isnt you being open about your sex life. its how you speak of the women involved & how much you boast about it. plenty of the women i follow talk about fucking women regularly, the difference is how they talk about it. 

7) I’m none of those anon or other pages. You can stop making up profiles and sending yourself bs or at least stop trying to blame me for it. We all know I take too much pride not to let people know when I’m behind something and I would tell you off directly like I always have everyone else ever.

thats cool. you’re not the main suspect for those anons and the people i know that know u well enough also think it’s unlikely that its you. its pretty likely to be one of your buddies & most likely RAIDS. this is nothing new for her. 

i definitely haven’t made extra profiles to harass myself nor have i sent myself anons. 

8) let’s agree not to have anything to do with each already or unblock and continue this till forever cuz I was done with you the 1st day I saw you tranny stanning saying rape by deception wasn’t real rape and told you I wish you death by tranny cock, but obviously while I didn’t literally mean it you lived only to annoy me ever since instead of just fucking off and leaving me be.

you seemed to mean it literally and only started to say u didnt mean it recently. either way, the graphic shit you said about me sucking dick or w/e.. thats wishing me rape. especially when i said over & over im penis-repulsed and especially repulsed by the thought of having someones penis in my mouth. as for my stance on rape by deception, i changed my stance there & owned up to it being ignorant & wrong at first. either way, i never ever went to any victims of that and told them their experience wasn’t Real somehow.  

months ago i wouldve been alright with talking to you PROPERLY and directly but u refused to stop reblogging my posts while still having me blocked, which is the entire reason why i blocked you. bc it was annoying talking to someone who keeps reblogging from me and directing stuff at me on my posts while having me blocked. if u want to unblock one another and talk, i could maybe consider it at this point but ive been saying this for a while now: all i want is for u and ur buddies to stop lying about me, twisting what i say/said/do/did, and the like. i also want them to stop sending me disgusting anons. 

at the same time, though, if i see something shitty u or ur friends say (same as for anyone else), im bound to question & criticise it especially considering how aggressive & harsh you all are to anyone you disagree with. 

9) You and Eve are no tumblur therapists stop projecting yr mental issues onto me. The only problem I have with cluster b disorders is your group not leaving me be. If there was treatment for that which could make you all you away I would gladly take that magic pill as many times a day as it took.

honestly eve is pretty well off mentally esp when compared to you, and im trying to say this in the least insulting way possible. there’s a reason why so many people find you unreasonable, manipulative, bizarre, hysterical, dramatic, and sometimes comical. either way, trust me im not fond of diagnosing people online. i only ever bring stuff like this up bc its hypocritical for someone to diagnose people online as cluster B all while exhibiting just as many if not more symptoms themselves. either way, this is something youve been doing and refuse to stop doing to other people. just because someone doesnt like you or is critical of you doesn’t mean theyre somehow mentally ill, and it also definitely doesnt mean theyre not a lesbian. 

[philsdrill]

Chapter 29: Passion

Fic Summary: “Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick.” For a while Phil has thought that his soulmate might have an eating disorder and doesn’t expect to meet him in the restaurant where he works.

Genre: a lot of fluff, recovery, really fucking domestic, waiter!Phil

Warnings: eating disorders, anorexia, bulimia, hospitals, panic attacks, references to past abuse, mentions of suicide, mentions of self-harm, a lot of awkwardness, small amounts of smut. This is potentially triggering so for your own sake, please think twice about reading if anything this might affect you.

Disclaimer: I don’t have personal experience with eating disorders, but have done some research. If I have anything about them wrong, feel free to send me an ask and I’ll sort it out.

Word Count (for this part): 8.1k

[Uploads will be hopefully every couple of weeks! (follow @philsdrill-updates to hear when I post)]

A/N: I’ve been struggling a bit with finding the time to write with uni work lately, and I may have proofread this chapter after midnight, so feel free to tell me if I’ve missed any typos. Just a sidenote, I understand that Adam and Ethan aren’t quite the right ages for their school years, and they should probably both be a year behind. I don’t quite understand the English school system so just worked off how I was 16/17 for my last year at school. I think in England my birthday would’ve put me down a year - it’s quite confusing. Anyway, it doesn't matter much for the story, just sorry for the inaccuracy and don't take anything I’m saying about the school system as accurate, as I don’t really know it. I left school with 8 AS Level equivalents I think?

MASTERPOST

<= Previous Chapter

Dan’s POV:

Ethan had been back on his medication for around ten days now and he was doing pretty good. After the first couple of days when he’d been plagued by the negative side effects, things had been steadily going uphill. He was starting to smile more, and although it would be a long time before the depression left him completely, I think we could all see a lot of improvement.

We were now working on getting him to be able to go home with Adam, back to my parents house. There were things to be done, people to tell. My mum had been up a couple of times to help sort things out, as she knew how to talk to schools and banks better than Phil and I did. There was the odd issue as she wasn’t related to Ethan, but with him being seventeen, he was old enough to be allowed to make these changes himself.

Today, all of us were heading into Ethan’s school to talk to his guidance teacher about what had happened, collect any of his work he might need and have him officially leave the school. Ethan had texted his mum beforehand to get some kind of idea of what they knew already:

Just to let you know to let you know that I’ll be moving down south to live with my soulmate and his family. I’m not going to sit my exams and I’ll take this year again next year. What have you told the school?

His mum’s reply confirmed what we all expected… that his school knew hardly anything.

You’re off ill for mental health reasons until further notice. That’s what we said at the start of the year and we haven’t said anything since then.

Having spoken with Ethan and Adam, I knew that my Mum, Phil and I would be doing the talking. We would probably go into a lot of detail to make sure everything was cleared up, and we didn’t want Ethan getting triggered by the memories.

My mum had phoned up in advance to let them know that we were coming. It probably took a bit of explaining, but they knew that a group of us would be along with Ethan to talk about the situation. My mum and Ethan did the talking at reception and soon enough we were being guided along the corridor to where we were having a meeting with Mrs Andrews, the teacher who was in charge of dealing with Ethan’s subject choices, discipline and any problems he might have with bullying, classmates, course content or mental health. She was the one who Ethan could’ve gone to about how he was feeling, if only he’d been able to put trust in her at the time.

We all joined her a small meeting room initially, until Mrs Andrews asked about what had been happening. My mum was beginning to explain, when I stopped her, not wanting Ethan to have to hear all of this.

“Mum, hold on,” I said, cutting her off, “I think Ethan should go outside while we do this. Adam, maybe go with him.”

Ethan looked over at me thankfully and the two of them got up, linked hands effortlessly and left the room.

“So, Dan, why is it better for Ethan not to be here?” Mrs Andrews asked, sounding a bit puzzled.

“Okay, you were told in January that he was off for mental health reasons, right?” I asked, wanting to confirm this before we started off.

“Yes,” she nodded.

“Okay,” I said, deciding that I should just get straight to what had happened and then backtrack to why, “He attempted suicide a few hours into the new year. He was and still is suffering from severe depression. I feel like having him hear this could trigger dark thoughts and make him want to harm himself.”

“Right,” the teacher nodded, suddenly looking a lot more serious, grabbing her notepad and scribbling something down.

“Shall we go from the beginning?” I asked rhetorically, knowing she should hear the entire story.

Between, Phil, my Mum and I, we explained things from the beginning, how Ethan knew even before he met his soulmate that his parents would disown him, for his soulmate was male too. Quite how long he’d been suffering from symptoms of depression, we didn’t know, but it was steadily getting worse towards the end of the year. My mum and I explained how we had heard about all of this through Adam and seen his reaction to Ethan trying to take his life.

It was another month before they met, in which Ethan had spent some time in hospital, then returned home where he ended up partaking in a lot of self harm. They got to spend a few days together which was good for them, but Ethan had to go home and keep it all a secret, which was hard for him. Two weeks later he accidentally let it slip to his dad; he got badly beaten up and kicked out and has been staying with me and Phil for two weeks now. He’s now taking antidepressants which I think are helping, but he’s still not stable.

“What’s your plan with him?” Mrs Andrews asked, after making some more notes, “He’s too old to go into a children’s home but it sounds like he needs looking after… a mental ward?”

“No, no, he’s spent his time there,” I said, “He’s going to move down south to live with Adam and our parents. He’s not being away from Adam now. We think that’s what’s best for him. It gives him a fairly stable family environment and his soulmate, which is two things he’s been lacking recently.”

“Yes, I can see that being good for him, but it could also have been good for him to continue living in an area he knows well,” she commented.

“We’ve thought about this. Phil and I are the only people he knows around here and we can’t support him permanently. Also Adam will be sitting his AS Level exams in June and he can’t be changing schools at this stage in the year,” I explained.

“And Ethan can?” she asked, sounding mildly horrified, “He’s had enough disruption as it is.”

“He’ll be going back to school in September and doing his A-Levels next year instead,” I explained, “He’s missed too much this year, would you not agree?”

“He’s always been a clever boy, I think he could catch up and still do well,” she said, “But if you think that’s what’s best for him, then that’s fine.”

“If he was suddenly cured of his depression right now then maybe he could, but it doesn’t work like that. I have no doubt he’s still going to be struggling with his mental health for a while,” I explained, “I think a few months with no stress and just getting used to his new surroundings will be good for him.”

“Okay,” Mrs Andrews said almost cheerily, that tone of voice teachers use to change the subject, “Are we taking him off the system today then, have him officially leave?”

“Yes, that’s the plan,” I nodded, “Is that possible?”

“It should be. I’ll need to go and talk with his year head, but she’s free this afternoon so that should be possible,” she nodded, “Would you like some tea or coffee while I go and see if she’s available?”

“Can Ethan go around his teachers and collect his work, as it might be useful for him next year?” I asked, knowing that was something he wanted to do.

“Yes, that’ll be fine. Will one of you go with him, just so he’s not alone?” she asked.

“Adam probably will,” Phil said, “Or do you want one of us to go too?”

“Could you? I’m just concerned in case he bumps into anyone in his year who might ask too many questions,” she explained, “You know what teenagers can be like.”

“I’ll go?” Phil volunteered, “This used to be my school, so I’m interested to see if it's changed much in six or seven years.”

Phil left the room at the same time as Mrs Andrews, off to join Adam and Ethan and head around the school to collect Ethan’s work. Mrs Andrews returned with the stuff to make coffee for both me and my mum, apologising that she couldn’t find any teabags.

My mum took her up on the offer, but I politely declined, “Sorry, but I can’t drink coffee.”

Mrs Andrews made the coffee for my mum, gave me a cup of water, then left to go and find Ethan’s year head.

“Why is it you don’t take coffee again? It makes you shaky or something?” My mum asked, clearly trying to recall whatever excuse I’d given when I was down to see her at new year.

“Umm kind of,” I said, now willing to tell her a bit more about my anxiety, “You know I’m taking medication for anxiety… it’s connected to that. Like the caffeine can raise my anxiety levels, which sometimes I can deal with, but I’ve had panic attacks because of it before.”

“Ahh,” my mum mumbled, nodding as she tried to understand, “How much does this affect you? You didn’t seem very willing to talk about it at new year.”

“I’ve had my medication dose upped since then, so I’m doing better. I was having like one or two panic attacks a week before that, which wasn’t great, but I haven’t had many in the last couple of weeks,” I explained.

“You said you do breathing exercises to help an attack, right?” she asked, again wanting to confirm what I’d previously told her.

“Yup,” I nodded, “But I have a second medication that I take that helps me calm down a lot quicker. As well as the breathing, I shake and sometimes sweat and my heart beats really fast. Beta-blockers, they’re technically a heart medicine but the doctor prescribed me them for my anxiety attacks and they help so much.”

At this, I brought the tub out of my coat pocket to show her, “I carry them everywhere with me. I’ve had anxiety attacks twice where I’ve left them at home, and neither of those were pretty.”

“I’m so proud of you,” my mum said suddenly, nodding, “This can’t be easy, but you’ve done the right thing going to the doctor and getting the help you can.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, not quite sure how to react to that, “I see a therapist too, just so you know. That helps, because although I can talk to Phil about things, he’s not a professional. I usually go alone, although Phil does always offer to come with me if I need the support. I’ve only taken him up on that once, but that was two days after an appointment where I had a really big panic attack in her office and Phil had to bring my medication and take me home.”

“How does Ethan’s medication work then? Is that something he always needs to carry with him?” my mum asked.

“No, he just needs to take it every morning and that’s him for the day. If he was going away for the night, then yes, he’d need to take it with him, but not other than that,” I explained, “It’s the same medication that I take every day for my anxiety; there’s connections between anxiety and depression so antidepressants can treat both.”

“Ethan doesn’t have the beta blockers too, then?” she asked, wanting to confirm.

“No, he doesn’t have panic attacks, well not generally,” I confirmed, “He may have had one or two things that could probably be classified as one, so I would keep an eye on him and talk to me if you’re worried about anything.”

Mrs Andrews eventually returned and put an abrupt end to our conversation. She had been to speak to Ethan’s year head and returned with a few bits of paperwork.

“We’ll just this form filled out for the admin, but that’s all that really needs to be done,” she explained, handing over the form to me and my mum, “You can maybe make a start on it, fill in the details of the school he’s transferring to.”

My mum took the form and pulled a pen out of her handbag to start filling it in. She knew the school’s details off the top of her head, with both me and Adam having gone there. I took out my phone and texted Phil to see how the work collecting was going.

--

Phil’s POV:

I knew my way around the school reasonably well, as this had been my school as a teenager. It had changed a little in the six or seven years since I left, but I’m sure some of the work pinned to the walls had been there when I left.

Ethan was going to see his English, Maths, Psychology and Art teachers. The first three of these, he just popped into a classroom and was back out in under two minutes, getting the job done quickly and efficiently. He just explained to them that he was moving and would like his work as he would be sitting his A-Levels next year instead.

His art teacher was a bit of a different story. He’d made the comment as we approached the classroom that this might be a bit of a longer discussion as he was on quite good terms with him. Adam and I waited outside again, but this time we could hear all of what he said as the door was wedged open.

“Ethan! I haven’t seen you in a while,” the teacher explained, his voice full of excitement, “Are you coming back?”

“No, I’m moving. I’m just here to sort things out with the school and get my work,” Ethan explained.

“Where are you moving to?” he asked.

“Near Reading, to be with my soulmate,” Ethan explained, “I met him about a month ago.”

“Your soulmate! Nice; I don’t think there’s many people in your year who have met theirs yet,” the teacher commented.

“Yeah, I’m a telepathic bond type, which generally means meeting younger,” Ethan explained, probably unsure if this was common knowledge.

“Nice, I have a skin connection with mine; we’re both artists and draw on ourselves a lot so that gave it away eventually,” Ethan’s teacher told him, “I’ve always wondered what having a telepathic bond would be like?”

“It can be challenging, Adam would say that anyway,” Ethan commented, then realised he hadn’t introduced Adam, “Adam’s my soulmate.”

“What’s he like? Is he what you were expecting or did you just kind of know what he was like already?” the teacher asked.

“Kind of, I knew he was a boy, and I had a strong sense of brown hair and eyes,” Ethan explained, “He’s just outside actually. Want to meet him?”

A couple of moments later, Ethan appeared at the door, “Want to meet Mr Davidson?”

He initially pointed this question at Adam, but then nodded at me, “You too, Phil.”

“Mr Davidson,” I mumbled, now realising why his voice had sounded strangely familiar; he was same teacher I’d had for my A-Level art.

“Phil?” Ethan said, Adam having followed him in the door, but me still hanging around in the hallway.

“He’s my old teacher,” I said, hoping that my realisation explained my delay.

“Nice,” Ethan said, the three of us now heading properly into the room.

“This is Adam,” Ethan said, putting his arm around Adam’s waist for a moment.

“And this is Phil, Adam’s brother’s soulmate,” he explained, “I’ve been living with him for the last two weeks.”

“Phil…” My Davidson mused, “...Lester. I remember you.”

I nodded, smiling, but not saying much as this was really about Ethan. He exchanged a few words with both me and Adam, before getting back to Ethan.

“So Ethan, any idea what you’re doing next year yet? What you want to do with your life? Have you applied for uni?” Mr Davidson asked.

“No, I’m going to redo this school year next year,” Ethan explained, “As for my life, I’m not really sure. I wasn’t planning to be around…”

Ethan trailed off, thinking for a moment, “I’ll be honest with you about where I’ve been for the last two months… I attempted suicide at the start of the year.”

Mr Davidson’s expression slowly changed to one of shock and Adam looked rather surprised that he was actually talking about this. I could see that Adam was now on red alert for Ethan breaking down, because it didn’t usually end too well when he chose to bring this up. He reached out for Ethan’s hands, which were anxiously balled together in front of him, encouraged them apart, then held one of them in his own.

“I still don’t really have my life planned out other than being with Adam,” Ethan explained, a little shakily, “I like art; I think out of all my subjects it was what I was most passionate about, but I’ve pretty much lost interest in everything.”

I watched Adam squeeze Ethan’s hand and shuffle a little closer to him. He was handling this well, but it still wasn’t easy for him to talk about it

“Awwhh Ethan, were you feeling like this long?” Mr Davidson asked, “You should’ve spoken to someone.”

“I know, but it wasn’t that easy. My dad’s really homophobic and I knew I’d be out on the streets the moment he found out my soulmate was a guy,” Ethan explained, “He knows now… which is why I’m moving to live with Adam. I’ve been staying with Adam’s brother and Phil for two weeks as they live nearby.”

“Are things a bit better now then?” Mr Davidson, asked, his voice still full of concern.

“I guess so,” Ethan said, sounding unsure, “Like I’ve gained Adam, but I’ve lost my family and although they maybe weren’t the best with all of their views, they were all I’ve known.”

Ethan was sounding rather choked up as he said this. Adam seemed to know exactly when he was about to start crying and pulled Ethan into a hug the moment he finished the sentence.

Mr Davidson and I looked at each other, both knowing we should give them a moment of peace. I moved around them to speak to him; I could get Ethan’s work from him and that would let us leave sooner.

I asked Mr Davidson for Ethan’s work. He got up, walked across the classroom to some large drawers and pulled two folders out of one.

“Here you go,” he said passing them to me, “He’s very talented; I have no doubt he’ll do well in art. Hopefully these’ll give him a head start and he’ll just be able to pick up where he left off, next year.”

“Yes,” I nodded, studying the artwork in the top of the folder. I couldn’t see much of the work, but there were a couple of very striking portraits on top, in a dark color scheme.

I carefully held onto the two folders of work, making sure that they were up the right way so that the contents didn’t spill out onto the floor. Once Ethan had collected himself a little bit, we got going, him saying a slightly tearful goodbye to his art teacher as we headed out the door. Adam held his hand as we walked through the corridors and headed back downstairs; it had only been a little breakdown, but Ethan was clearly shaken up by what he had told his art teacher and there could potentially be more tears to come.

Adam looked deep in thought and I was going to bet he was half in Ethan’s head, trying to calm his mind a little bit. We arrived back at the room where Dan and his mum were talking to Ethan’s guidance teacher. I knocked and the three of us walked in, each taking a seat.

“Ethan, can I ask you a couple of questions?” Mrs Andrews asked, not really giving him long enough to get settled.

Ethan didn’t react immediately, then after a couple of seconds looked up, looking rather dazed, then panickedly at Adam.

“Maybe not right now,” Adam said putting an arm around Ethan and mumbling something into his ear, “We’re going back out into the corridor for two minutes, but we’ll be back.”

With there being a slot window in the door, I was able to see what was going on. Adam guided Ethan across the corridor and they sat down on the blue comfy seats that were right opposite the door. Adam wrapped his arms around Ethan’s waist and lightly rested his head on his shoulder, mumbling things to him. I didn’t know what Adam was saying, but I hoped it was helping.

I learnt that Dan and his mum had been busy filling in some forms for Ethan while we’d been gone. It turned out that all Mrs Andrews really needed from him was to know if there was anything in his locker, and have him sign the forms.

I looked through the door again and saw Ethan turning into Adam for a hug, visibly inhaling deeply and relaxing a bit.

“Dan, I think if one of us goes out there and lets him know that’s all, he’ll probably be okay with it,” I said, realising that Ethan probably assumed the worst when she said she had a couple of questions.

“I’ll do it,” Dan volunteered, getting up and opening the door.

“You guys doing okay?” Dan asked softly, “All she wants to ask is if you have anything in your locker and if you can sign a couple of forms?”

“Okay,” Ethan nodded a little timidly, “I can do that.”

The pair of them got up, Adam instinctively resting his hand on the small of Ethan’s back as they walked the few steps into the room. They joined us at the table and Dan slid the forms towards Ethan, Mrs Andrews pointing out where he needed to sign.

Ethan pushed up his sleeve, picked up the pen and signed his name. His emotional state had made it a little shaky, but I’m sure it would suffice. He plopped the pen back down on the table and relaxed his arm in front of him. They didn’t really catch my eye anymore, but I noticed Mrs Andrews staring at his scars. Ethan must’ve noticed this too, as a few seconds later, he tugged his sleeve back down and put both of his arms under the table.

There was a moment or two of silence as Mrs Andrews realised she’d maybe crossed a line, then she changed the subject and acted as if nothing had happened, “So, do you have anything in your locker? We can give you the spare key to empty it, but don’t worry about returning your copy of the key; we’ll get a new one made.”

Ethan let her know that he probably did have things in his locker, so Mrs Andrews went to get the spare key. We all accompanied him to empty it, as we would be passing on the way out anyway. The contents of his locker were a smelly PE kit, a maths textbook and a notebook which he told us was a journal type thing he kept for a while.

The locker now empty, he handed the key and the maths textbook over to Mrs Andrews, who assured him she would return it to his maths teacher. We exchanged a few goodbyes and Mrs Andrews wished Ethan good luck with his future, and with that, we left. Ethan had a note of her email address in case his new school needed any more information and he had said he would try and email her next year with his results.

We headed to the cars, Dan’s mum to her own and the rest of us to mine. We loaded Ethan’s work into the boot, then got into the car ourselves. Ethan kept ahold of the journal from his locker, and it was as he drove back that he explained what it was about.

“This journal was one of the last things I gave up on. Writing my thoughts down actually kept me sane for a while. I can’t really remember why it was in my locker, but I think I forgot to take it home when I left for the Christmas holidays,” Ethan explained, “There’s a lot in here and I don’t really want to reread it myself yet, but Adam, it might join up some of the dots for you.”

Adam took the book from Ethan and held onto it, quietly thinking, “I think we should go through this together when you’re ready.”

“Okay,” Ethan nodded, “It might be a while before I’m ready, but if that’s what you want to do.”

Halfway home, Adam asked if it would be okay for him to move into the middle seat. I pulled over and stopped the car to let him move safely and without the seatbelt sounder going off. Nothing was really wrong, just Ethan was feeling a little emotional about putting his old school behind him, and wanted a hug.

The rest of the journey home, they were cuddled up together and Ethan looked a lot more comfortable. Adam had put his old journal out of the way on the far seat. It was there, it’s presence was felt, but they didn’t need to do anything about it just yet.

--

That afternoon, Dan’s mum headed home. As far as we knew, everything was sorted for Ethan to move, which would be happening in just over a week. Ethan had been in contact with his mum a little, and would maybe be able to get into his house to get some of his stuff. It wasn’t organised yet, as his Dad not wanting to see him complicated matters, but his mum wanted him to have his things and get the chance to say goodbye properly.

Dan and Adam went down to the car park to see their mum off; meanwhile Ethan and I stayed in the warmth of the flat and watched from the living room window. Adam and Dan both hugged her goodbye. It would be just over a week before they saw her again, which for Dan would be no problem, but Adam wasn’t really used to being away from her for long.

“I kinda miss my mum,” Ethan admitted, bringing my attention back to him and the few tears that were starting to spill.

“Let’s go sit down,” I said softly, putting a hand on his back and guiding him over to the sofas.

I passed him a few tissues and sat next to him, facing into him a little as he wiped his eyes and blew his nose.

“Are you okay? D’you want to talk about her at all?” I asked, wondering if it would help for him to talk or if he really just needed some alone time.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “It’s just been getting to me a bit with their mum here, that I don’t have that in my life anymore… and there’s little things, like she baked bread a lot and I’m so used to the smell of bread everywhere and the little homemade rolls and things…”

Ethan trailed off, rubbing his hands over his eyes to push a few more tears away.

“I don’t know if it would help, but I could make bread if you want,” I offered, not knowing whether that would make him happy or just make him miss his mum more.

“I’m sure you make great bread and all, but it probably won’t be be same,” Ethan said, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “It might make me more sad than happy.”

“I get that,” I said, passing him a couple more tissues.

I got up to look out the window and see whether Dan’s mum had left yet. It turned out she was just leaving, her pulling out of the car park and Dan and Adam waving from the side.

“That’s her driving away now,” I told Ethan, “Adam’ll be back up soon.”

“I don’t really want him to see this,” Ethan said, blowing his nose determinedly and dabbing a bit at his eyes, “I’ve cried in front of him enough today.”

“Ethan, you should be able to cry in front of him as much as you need,” I said, realising he was trying to bottle it up, “He’s your soulmate, he’s always gonna be here for you.”

“Mmm,” Ethan mumbled, glancing at a mirror he could probably just catch his reflection in.

“And he’ll have felt it anyway,” I reminded him, “I think you should at least acknowledge how you’re feeling in front of him.”

“I guess. I just don’t want him to make a fuss,” Ethan explained, ”It’s nothing; I just maybe need a hug, that’s all.”

“Just let him know why you were sad but all you want is a hug and no fuss,” I suggested, “He’ll respect that.”

When Adam came in, he immediately gravitated towards Ethan because he knew something was up.

“Ethan,” he said, speaking really softly, “What’s up?”

“Please don't make a fuss, but I just miss my mum a bit,” Ethan admitted, turning a little bit pink.

“That’s okay…” Ada, nodded, “D’you want to talk about it?”

“I already did to Phil but there’s not much to say,” Ethan explained, “Can I just get a hug?”

“Of course,” Adam said, settling onto the sofa next to Ethan and putting his arms around him, pulling him into his lap to hold him close.

I moved to the kitchen to start getting some things out for dinner, but half listened in, hearing as Adam gradually picked up a conversation, then slowly made it funny to make Ethan feel better. They were doing well, getting to know each other really well now and starting to grow together too.

--

Dan’s POV:

Dinner had been eaten, it was now getting towards nine o’clock and the four of us were watching a film in the living room. Phil and I were quite content, cuddled up together on one sofa. Ethan and Adam had been doing similar on the other one, with Ethan pretty much sat in Adam’s lap, but I was starting to sense that there was something more going on.

They were whispering things to each other, so quiet that neither Phil nor I would be able to hear what they were saying, and Adam seemed to be moving his hands around under the blanket that was spread across Ethan’s lap. Ethan was reacting to some of these movements, in a way which told me that Adam’s hands were somewhere very private. They were trying to be subtle about what they were doing, but they were both a little red in the face and I could tell.

“Guys,” I spoke up, moving from a sidelong glance to looking at them properly, “D’you maybe want to go to your room for a bit of privacy?”

Adam immediately turned bright red, “Yeah, was just thinking about doing that.”

The pair of them got up to go, Ethan taking the blanket with him, trying to retain some of his modesty by shielding his crotch from view. Adam, however, was visibly hard, the tent in his jeans very obvious now that he no longer had Ethan sitting in front of him.

Once they were in their room with the door shut behind them, Phil turned to me, “D’you think they’re going to…”

“...do something?” I finished the question Phil had left hanging, “Probably. Can’t say what as I don’t know how comfortable they are with each other yet, but we’ll just leave them be until the morning to give them the privacy they need.”

Phil and I continued to watch the TV for a bit, which just about drowned out any noises they were making. There might have been the odd sound, but they were keeping quiet enough that it equally could’ve been the neighbours.

“You wanting to do anything particularly later?” Phil asked, nuzzling his face into my neck and leaving a couple of kisses there.

“I don’t mind,” I said, warmly, “I’m quite happy just cuddling and stuff; this is nice and cosy, but equally I’m down for doing something in the bedroom if you want.”

“Hmm, I could go some nice relaxed love making,” Phil mused, “But let’s see how we feel later.”

“Yeah, good plan,” I agreed, leaning in to kiss Phil.

--

Our cosy cuddling session came to an abrupt end just after ten o’clock. It took a few seconds for us to register the wailing noise that ripped through the otherwise fairly quiet flat. It was the fire alarm. Phil seemed reasonably calm and collected, getting up and telling me to go and put my shoes on, grab a coat and start heading down the stairs when I was ready.

Phil knocked on Adam and Ethan’s door, “Guys, that’s the fire alarm, I hope you’re not in the middle anything, but you need to make sure you’ve got some clothes on and get out here asap.”

“Yeah, we’re on it,” Adam replied, “We’ll be out in like thirty seconds.”

I put my shoes on, grabbed a coat and as a last minute thought, grabbed my anxiety medicine. The alarm had sparked panic in me, but I was just doing my best to focus on getting myself outside… well and make sure Phil was coming too.

“You take this,” Phil said, handing me the blanket we had been cuddling with on the sofa, “Get yourself outside and I’ll be right down, okay.”

“Okay,” I said, taking the blanket from Phil and making my way to our front door.

As I opened the door to leave the flat, Adam and Ethan burst out of their room in an assortment of mismatched clothes. Adam had on the t-shirt Ethan was wearing earlier, but backwards and Ethan was wearing his pyjama top.

“Right, c’mon everyone,” I said, deciding they were close enough behind me to warrant me waiting and holding the door open.

I knew it could be nothing, like someone had burnt some toast or there was a fault in one of the detectors, but I couldn’t get past the idea that it could be a big building fire, that we could die if we didn’t get out of the place quickly. With that in mind, I didn’t want to leave Phil, even if he was just right behind me.

With everyone together, we let the door swing shut behind us and hurried down the stairs, seeing a few other people from our building further down the stair ahead of us. We all grouped together in the car park, where everyone was trying to figure out what was going on. No one seemed to have any idea what was happening, but a number of the longer standing residents assured us that the fire brigade would be on their way.

Phil and I stood together with our blanket around us and fairly quickly Ethan and Adam started hugging to preserve body heat. I was still feeling a little panicky, but so far I was managing to keep the feeling at bay and not let if affect me.

When the fire brigade arrived, my panic dissipated a little, knowing the situation was now in safe hands. Everyone I loved was safe and the fire brigade were going to stop my home burning down. I felt safe with Phil’s arm around me and the knowledge that everything would be okay.

With things starting to calm down inside my head, I was able to take in more of what was going on around me. Some people were outside in their pyjamas, in their slippers and flip-flops and other clothing you might not normally wear outside. Some people looked like they’d just been woken up by the alarm, but everyone looked tired of being out here in the cold.

My gaze returned to Adam, Ethan and Phil, in particular Ethan. He looked wrecked and his legs were shaking slightly, even though he was tightly latched onto Adam. It seemed that Adam was pretty much holding him up, despite looking tired himself.

A few moments later, Ethan admitted that there was something wrong, “Adam, I feel a bit faint.”

At this, Adam adjusted his grip on Ethan so both of his arms were around his torso, probably so he could catch him if he passed out.

“Right, let’s sit down,” Adam said, giving Ethan the encouragement he needed to sit down on the ground.

Adam sat down with Ethan, letting himself be used as a headrest whilst he enveloped Ethan in a hug, “Sit still and maybe bring your head down onto your lap if everything is spinning?”

Ethan remained still, but didn’t move his head, “I’m just gonna stay here for a bit - don’t want to move yet.”

“Okay,” Adam nodded, “I’ll give you some peace, but speak up if you feel any worse.”

“Ethan are you cold?” I said, crouching down a little to get more on his level.

“A bit, yeah,” he nodded into Adam’s shoulder.

“Okay,” I said, glancing at Phil for approval, then taking the blanket off our shoulders and draping it around Ethan’s, “I think you need this the most at the moment. You’re only gonna get colder now you’re sat on the ground.”

I stood up straight again and leaned into Phil to keep warm. I hoped that Ethan would be okay now; he still looked pale and shaky, but Adam was certainly doing his best to keep him cosy, hugging him tightly and rubbing his back. Phil and I weren’t really hugging, but we had made the mutual decision to press up together to preserve body heat. It was amazing, as Phil probably wasn’t much warmer than me, but he just felt so warm and cosy that I didn’t feel like I would ever want to split apart from him.

One fireman came out of the building to let us know what had happened. It turned out there had been a fire in a kitchen on the fourth floor due to an electrical fault in a kitchen appliance, but it had been caught quickly enough that they were able to to put it out and there was nothing to worry about. It would still be a bit longer before we were allowed back inside, however, as they needed to remove the faulty electrical appliance that caused the fire, some damaged appliances from that kitchen and check the smoke levels in other parts of the building. An emergency electrician was on his way to check that the wiring hadn’t been damaged and was still safe to use throughout the building.

The next half hour consisted of the firemen bringing some rather burnt things out of the building, the emergency electrician arriving and heading inside to do his tests and everyone getting even colder than they already were. Ethan had started to shiver quite violently, so Adam had pulled him into his lap, unzipped his own jacket so he could pull the sides of it around Ethan, bringing him closer into his chest.

Once all the burnt appliances were removed and the safety tests carried out, we were called up by flat and allowed back into the building. Ethan and Adam got to their feet as the second flat was called, knowing that we would be soon.

Ethan got up slightly ahead of Adam and as soon as he was on his feet, he looked like he was having a dizzy spell. I knew all about getting up too fast, so I held onto him while he got his bearings and while Adam finished standing up. After a brief few words with one of the firemen, we all made our way inside and up the stairs, everyone looking out for Ethan and making sure he got back to the flat safely.

The stairwell had smelt a bit smoky, but thankfully the smell didn’t reach inside our flat. Once inside, I headed with Ethan and Adam along to their room and I sent Phil to get an extra blanket or two. Ethan removed the pair of jeans he had rather hastily thrown on, with no reservations about me being there, despite the fact he was butt-naked underneath them. Adam laughed and pulled the blanket down a bit to save the rest of his dignity, before encouraging him into bed.

Phil arrived with a couple of extra blankets, then suggested that Ethan might like a hot drink. Ethan rejected the offer, yawning sleepily and saying that he was alright, he’d just like to sleep. He was still shivering a bit, but the warmth of being inside, along with the duvet and three blankets, was gradually warming him up.

Adam left the room with me and Phil, as we headed to the living room, probably to talk about what had happened. The air in the living room was a lot clearer; Adam and Ethan’s room was a bit muggy and smelt like sex, but I wasn’t going to bring that up.

“I think I tired him out a bit and he just needed to sleep,” Adam said, referring to how Ethan had been feeling a bit faint.

“I get that,” I nodded, thinking about how I would’ve felt if it had happened just after I’d been doing something with Phil.

“We… uhh… we tried out fingering and I think it was a lot for him,” Adam explained, turning a bit red, “He hadn’t really had time to recover.”

“Yeah, it can be really intense, and especially being his first time too,” I nodded, fully understanding why Ethan was tired.

“You should get to bed early too,” Phil said to Adam, “I don’t need to know what all you did, but you’re probably more tired than you think… and you want to be there for him in the morning.”

“Mmm, I guess,” Adam nodded, “Well there’s not much else for me to do, so I might as well. That’ll let you guys have some time to yourselves too.”

While it could’ve been taken in the wrong way, I sensed there was nothing behind Adam’s last statement other than some underlying feeling that he was third-wheeling. He didn’t need to know that we might actually get up to something later; I didn’t feel comfortable about him knowing that, at least before it happened. Phil and I wished Adam a goodnight, then he disappeared off along the corridor to get himself ready for bed.

--

Phil and I got ready for bed, and we were both cuddled up under the duvet before we even discussed doing anything more intimate. I think it was still on both of our minds, we were just making sure everything else was dealt with first.

It was Phil who brought it up eventually, “How're you feeling about doing something?”

“Yeah, I get what you meant earlier. I'm up for it,” I told him, “But like slow and kinda relaxed, yeah?”

“Yup, sounds perfect,” Phil nodded, snuggling a bit closer and slipping his fingers under my pyjama top, “Let's get the these off.”

I let Phil undress me, making sure that his clothing came off at a similar place. Soon enough, we were both naked together, and I could feel every inch of Phil pressed up against me.

Phil took the lead, as usual, getting things as heated as he could, while still keeping it relaxed. It was less making out and hard fast movements, and more slow passionate kisses with gentle grinding.

I didn't notice Phil getting the lube until I heard the sound of the bottle opening. It was very dark in our room as we didn't even have the lamps on, but we knew each other well enough now that doing it in the dark was just a nice sensory experience rather than a challenge.

“You ready?” Phil asked, nudging my legs apart and bringing a lube-coated finger up to my hole.

“Yup,” I nodded, preparing myself for Phil’s finger; we hadn’t exactly done this much recently so I was quite tight.

Phil stretched me slowly and carefully, but still made it feel good by brushing against my prostate every so often. He was careful not to get me too far gone though, we both wanted to save ourselves for when Phil was inside me.

When I was ready, and boy was I ready, Phil squeezed some more lube onto his hand, used it to coat his dick and lined himself up, using his hand to guide his penis through the darkness to my entrance.

As Phil pushed himself in, the sensations were so intense, it was like our first time all over again. As we couldn’t see from the darkness, it seemed all of our other senses were amplified. It took me a little time to get used to the stretch of Phil filling me up, but I let him know when I was ready for him to move. As we’d agreed, Phil moved slowly, but it wasn’t long before we found a good rhythm and the extra time we had allowed us to things to make it that little bit better. Phil’s mouth found mine and we kissed as he slid in and out of me, the passion making it more about love than lust. Okay, it was nice to have a quick fuck with him now and then, but slow loving sex with my soulmate meant so much more.

When I came, with Phil meeting his own release inside of me, it was good, so good. I unleashed a moan without a care in the world and let it tear through me, my body trembling as my dick spilt its load into Phil’s hand and across my stomach. My orgasm lasted longer than Phil’s, the prostate stimulation always making it more intense. He helped me through it though, giving me the friction I needed and continuing to move against my prostate whilst I needed it.

Phil pulled out and I sank back into the bed, exhausted, physically spent. Phil cuddled with me for a couple of minutes while we both caught our breath, then he excused himself to go and get something to clean up. He returned with some wipes, using them to collect up the white stickiness from my stomach.

“There,” Phil said, gently wiping the last few drops that had slittered down my dick, “You’re less sticky now.”

Phil binned the wipes and climbed back into bed, cuddling up next to me and filling me with warmth. Despite Phil’s cleaning efforts, we might still need to wash the sheets in the morning, but we’d assess that situation in daylight. It was worth it anyway. I felt amazing and I knew Phil did too; I could almost feel the smile radiating off of him.

--

In the morning, we caught Adam and Ethan stuffing their sheets into the washing machine, so Phil and I thought we’d contribute ours to the load. With the washing machine whirring away in the background, all four of us sat down for a good breakfast. I was hungry after the events of last night and knew I needed to eat well to give myself energy for the day ahead.

Ethan seemed to be feeling fine this morning, but I kept an eye on what he was eating, knowing that he too could be at risk at not ingesting enough energy to get him through the morning. Although we suffered from different mental health problems, we both had issues with eating sometimes and on a morning such as this, we all had more energy to replace than usual.

With our new found energy, we were ready to tackle the day ahead. There were things to do, preparations for the two of them heading home in just over a week and preparations for Adam’s birthday in a few days time. Everyone was feeling good today, so that made things easier. Last night’s passionate activities had led to everyone being productive and things were starting to look brighter for the weeks ahead.

Next Chapter =>

#phanfic #phanfiction #phan #phanfluff #phan fluff #tw #tw; ed #soulmates #soulmate au #soulmateau #fanfic #waiter!phil #ed #someday

[katemunsterrr]

This is going to be a long one...

But I really need to type all of this out. Because I am hurting pretty badly...Thanks to those who actually read all of this.

So, my husband and I no longer feel safe in our apartment. Since the beginning of the year we have been trying to make arrangements for us to move into a house. He is going to be switching jobs soon, so we wanted to move in town closer to his job--and our family lives in that area too. Since my husband works for the state, he is guaranteed $6,000 for a down payment...buuut the house we really want is not considered a ‘house’ in the states eyes (it is a double wide)...so they won’t give it to us. And all the actual houses in the area are waaay out of price range. It was hurdle after hurdle.

BUT! To my surprise I had about $4,000 in a secret savings account! My papa (from my dad’s side) opened up a savings account for me. Unfortunately that wasn’t enough for us to get a mortgage. My husbands credit score wasn’t the best. He was a victim of identity theft and wasn’t able to dispute all of his debt. SO...guess where all that $4,000 went?? To all his delinquencies. His credit score is way better now!

Just when we got things settled, we realized that we are now down to the wire. Our lease is up this month. Times up! We only have $100 in savings at the moment.

Our choices are:

-Renew our lease for another year: That’s not gonna happen. Not only do we feel unsafe, our rent would go up to $650.

-Renew a Six Month lease: The rent would be $700. It would take us even LONGER to save up for a down payment. So that is out.

-Do a Month to Month lease: Pay $750 until we leave. Again...can’t do it.

We tried looking at other apartments. They are either too expensive, or they don’t allow animals period. On top of that our agent told us NOT to apply for anything else because we can’t afford another hit on our credit. That is out.

We asked my mother in law if we could move in to her house for a couple months so we can save for a down payment (it would only take 3 pay periods). Of course we would help pay bills. It’s only fair. But there is no room. So that is out.

Our other possible option was to move in with my mother...that wouldn’t be very good for my mentality. But I was willing to put up with the mental abuse than to stay at my apartment--it is that bad here. When I presented our issue to her she was like “I need to think. I will call you back later tonight. I need to drink.” I waited and waited...8 o’clock at night I finally get a text. “I am still thinking. I’m going to bed. Night.”

Now...I haven’t even asked her if we could move in temporarily yet. I will add that when I told her that we were asking our mother in law to move in--she said “That would be a great way for you to save!!” But when I told mom that she wasn’t able to house us, she changed her tune and was like. “Yeah, that is a lot to ask of someone!”

Then my husband and I thought that maybe my family would consider us moving in my great grandma’s house. It is next door to my mother’s house. But my GG passed away awhile back...so the house is empty. The only thing about that is my Grandparents don’t want animals in the house. But it was still worth a shot...right??

Didn’t hear from my mother until the day before our Father’s Day get together. And she didn’t even bring anything up. She just wanted to know if we were going to bring anything....umm....nothing?!?! I’m flat broke right now?!?!

The day of our get together we tried to explain our situation...but they were only half listening. They seriously didn’t give a shit when I told them that we didn’t feel safe. They didn’t give a shit when I told them that someone tried breaking in. They just said “well grab a knife and stab them then.” They would interrupt us to talk about something completely different. We gave up. Then, I guess since they thought we were done, they started suggesting apartments--even though we JUST TOLD THEM that we aren’t able to apply anywhere else. Because we CAN NOT take another hit on our credit, the apartments are either too expensive or they DO NOT allow animals. You know what my grandma suggested next??

To get rid of my animals. Our babies. MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT! My husband said that my entire demeanor changed. I went from hopeful, straight to emotionless. I just shook my head at her, because I knew if I had opened my mouth some nasty things would be said. I wanted to leave right then.

I saved each one of my animals. I saved my bunny from an abusive man. My husband and I saved our cat...he was a feral cat. He had an eye infection and almost lost his eye. And we saved our puppy from a shelter--they said that no one was going to adopt him because he was too shy. He was skin and bone...they were trying to feed him dog food for BIG dogs. He is a FUCKING chihuahua!!

I am getting off topic. THE POINT IS...I raised them! THEY ARE MY CHILDREN!! And you have the NERVE to tell ME to just get rid of them?! LIKE IT IS SO SIMPLE?! Do you know how HARD WE FOUGHT to keep our bunny rabbit?! We were lucky to find this apartment (in a way) because they let us keep her. Why the fuck would I just give them up?! Not only would it be unfair to me and my husband...it would be unfair to them! We are attached to each other!! WE ARE A FAMILY!

Anyway...we didn’t even bother asking for anything from them. Because if they truly cared for us they would have at LEAST listen to us, and do everything in their power to help us out. Like...it really hurts me that they didn’t even show fear or concern for me. Their only solution was “Oh, get rid of your animals because OBVIOUSLY that is your ONLY problem.”

I am so heartbroken. Really. They care for me to a degree...they will buy me stuff in bulk...(like detergent, deodorant, shampoo...etc.) but they don’t care if I am safe or not. They don’t care about my mental state. They never bother keeping in touch with me to see how I am doing. They just...flat out don’t care about me. For example my own mother will put everything before me--work, auctions, flea markets...she will talk to grandma and my sister on the phone. She will even call some dying dude she just met because he doesn’t have any family left (which is really nice and all. Really. I think it is great.) But she doesn’t bother to call me, HER DAUGHTER, to see if I am doing okay--knowing that I have a crippling mental illness. KNOWING that I have suicidal thoughts. Don’t care.

Anyway, a friend of mine asked her mother if she would rent out one of her rooms to us...we are having dinner with them tonight to discuss things. I hope everything works out. But me being an IDIOT...I told my mom the good news...instead of being happy, relieved, or excited...she was like “...well that is good I guess. It’s not easy living with someone else.”

I agree entirely. BUT I would RATHER live with someone for a couple months than to stay somewhere that is UNSAFE. The thing that hurts me is that she was like “That is good I guess.” Like??? Would you rather me stay here?! Would you rather me be in danger?!

I don’t know what I was thinking, really. I shouldn’t have expected anything. I guess I was just hoping that she would be relieved and thankful that I possibly have a safer living place until we get enough money for a down payment. Silly me...

My family is the reason why I don’t like showing any emotions. The only emotion I can show them is my anger. I can show them a bit of happiness but I can’t show them all of it--because they will ruin it. For example I told my mom that Jacob and I were getting married sooner than we planned. I couldn’t show her my excitement. She pointed out that I didn’t seem excited at all. Because I nonchalantly said “Yeah, Jacob and I are getting married.” She said I acted as if it weren’t a big deal. Of course it was a big deal. But I couldn’t show her that. You know how much that hurts? That I can’t express how EXCITED I am to marry my best friend to my own mother?! It hurts pretty fucking bad. And I am sorry to those who have experienced that pain. I can’t even show how depressed I am. Because they downplay everything. They get annoyed if I show any signs of depression. When I told them that I can’t help it. I told them that I have Bipolar Disorder (type 2) they were like “Oh that explains SO much. But you don’t NEED to rely on medications. You just need to do this, this, and this...” Like...no...I really do need my medications. I need my mood stabilizers. I need my anxiety meds. With out them I cannot keep up with my own thoughts. It’s scary.

The only people I can show my emotions to are my husband, and my 2 best friends.

I am scared to show anyone else my emotions because I don’t want to be hurt again.

And I think I will end this here...

[angelergic]

Manhunt - Chapter 8

~MASTERLIST~

Words: 3376

A/N: New chapter alert, my dear readers!

I know, it was once again a long time you had to wait for this chapter. It took me almost a week to finish this chapter, and I can honestly say, I'm proud of the rollercoaster of emotions that you're going to read in here!

I also wanted to tell you, that my surgery went well and that I'm doing fine. Also, they let me home on Tuesday.

I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always, I'm happy to read your feedbacks!

Tagging: @celebranehelyanwe, @ladystar0710, @annamreed, @humorcomchantilly @thefivebaddestbidders (if you don’t want to be tagged just tell me.)

CHAPTER 8:

I stumble back when the realization hits me that I still have a piece of family living out here, somewhere.

"Well, actually she's your half-sister you two only have the same father but different mothers." Eisuke's gruff voice rips me out of my thoughts, all of a sudden, he's right at my side also looking at the computer screen.

I only click my tongue at his unnecessary correction and lean forward again, "Soryu, can you find out anything more about her?" he gives a simple nod and begins to type away on his laptop.

Suddenly, a lot of information pops up. I rapidly blink my eyes, not expecting to find so much. The one that is on full display looks like it's some kind of personal description, like the ones you can find when you want to know everything about a certain celebrity.

"All right, this is all the information I can find about her. She kind of looks like you when you were in your teens." Soryu whispered the second part, so only I could hear it. I smiled lovingly at the picture.

"She does, doesn't she?" I said dreamily. I guess it was a picture from around 3 years ago, she has puppy-like, grey-green eyes with a dark circle around her pupils, her nose is small just like mine too and she has cute, pouty lips. Her hair looks absolutely beautiful, it's espresso brown, shoulder-length, and looks thick and healthy.

I let my eyes drift downwards to all her personal information like her height, weight and also her address. My eyes widened in surprise when I read her address. St. Luke's International hospital, Tokyo.

I didn't know if I should feel joy or sadness. Joy; she lives in Tokyo. Sadness; she has lived in a hospital for 2 years now, with her mother.

"Soryu could you open her medical record, please?" I whispered to Soryu, who seemed to be just as confused and curious as I was, so he opened it immediately.

As her medical record popped up I looked at the numbers of pages it had. There were 3 pages. 3. Dear god.

Soryu stood up and motioned for me to sit down and take the laptop which I immediately did. I gave him a curt nod and mumbled; "Thanks." I went to reading right away and began to shut down the deep voices from the men that gathered around me.

The first thing I read about was a tonsillectomy, or also known as a tonsil removal, in 2008. Everything went well and she healed nicely, no complaints.

Skipping to 4 years ago, the year 2012. There was a big car crash on a highway in Tokyo. Tamara and her aunt were in the car, they just came back from camping for the weekend. When a drunk-driver was speeding against traffic with 120 mph and hit their car frontal, her aunt was instantly dead but by some miracle my sister survived after they put her in an artificial coma. She also lost the mobility in her legs.

I didn't realize it before something trickled down my hand I had on the keyboard, I was crying. God, why was I acting so stupidly emotional lately? I was always crying over something whether it was Eisuke pissing me off or reading the medical chart of my sister. Maybe I was already developing a strong and deep love towards a person I haven't even met.

I wiped the tears off my cheeks with the back of my hand and continued reading.

2 years ago, she was diagnosed with PTSD. Since the car crash she spaced out more than she normally would and always woke up screaming and sweating from horrible nightmares, constantly reliving the events prior to everything. She also kept avoiding highways and cars that were the same brand as her aunts.

From there on her life seemed to be going even more downhills than before her diagnosis.

Almost exactly 1 year ago, she went to the doctors because she had been experiencing severe nausea, fatigue, pain in her bones and rapid weight loss for unknown reasons. After a bone marrow and blood test the diagnosis was clear.

Stage 4 leukemia.

She is currently undergoing chemotherapy even though the doctors told her that they could only extend her life span for a while.

I cover my mouth and try to stifle a sob, but it escapes anyway as tears once again begin to cascade down my cheeks. I hunch over and put the laptop in front of me on the table and bury my face in my hands, crying to myself.

I feel three hands touching my shoulders and my back, each of them rubbing soothing circles into my skin. I open my eyes a bit and look absentmindedly through my hands when I notice someone moving in front of me, kneeling so he is face to face with me and taking my tear soaked hands in his calloused ones.

Kneeling in front of me was Soryu with a soothing and reassuring smile on his face. "Hey, you're going to see your sister. We're going to visit her and then you can talk about everything you missed out in each others life’s." Apparently, he misunderstood my reaction thinking that I thought I was not going to see her or worrying that she's not going to accept me.

I shook my head and a frown made its way on his face. I mumbled hoarsely; "No, you don't understand. She has stage 4 leukemia and the doctors, they told her they don't know for how much longer she will live. They couldn't even give her a number on how much longer she's going to live."

I felt the four hands that were touching me begin to tighten at the things I just revealed. Soryu looked at me with sad eyes but he was stunned to silence, comforting someone was never his strength. I saw somebody move beside me and get into the same position as Soryu was currently in.

“Princess, I can only imagine what you’re going through right now but you need to be strong for us. For Tamara.” Baba comforted while kneading the flesh on my upper arm.

I looked over at him and could see his eyebrows form a sad, worried frown. “Please, we need you to stay here with us. Don’t shut us out.”

Soryu also began to press my knee with his hand which made me turn my attention towards him. I stared into his eyes for a few moments, his eyes were filled with determination and reassurance, he gave me a light nod and a faint smile.

I wiped my tears off my face and took a deep breath, “Okay let’s get back to it, we have a case to solve.” My voice was still a little weak and shaky, but filled with determination.

Soryu and Baba smiled at me, getting back on their feet and Mamoru said, “Alright y’all heard the kid, back to it!”

Before Sor could turn away from me, I put a hand on his shoulder which made him turn towards me once again with a questioning look on his face. I softly smiled up at him and whispered a soft, “Thank you.”

He smiled back at me and placed his hand on top of mine. I dropped my hand and turned back towards the computer on my lap.

---

After what could have been a few minutes or hours, I'm not exactly sure, Eisuke stepped out of his office and called me up to look at something.

As I jogged up the stairs, I could not help but get lost in my thoughts. I kept thinking about Tamara, I would love to go to the hospital she's at to visit her and also, to get to know her better. On the other hand, I didn't want to confuse or scare her away from me if she rejected me or didn't want to have anything to do with me, her life has already been hard enough.

"Pick up the pace!" I heard Eisuke growl from the top of the stairs. I almost fell down the stairs because he startled me so bad. When I reached the top, I shot him a killing look and cursed under my breath.

When we got to his office, Eisuke closed the door and walked to his desk with his laptop on it. He sat down, pulled a second chair next to him and patted it as a sign for me to sit down. I hesitantly obliged and questioned while doing so; "What did you find, Eisuke?"

He had his triumphant smirk on his face and turned to his laptop, typing away. "So, I searched for murders that are similar to your fathers in the past 15 years. And I found a few, 6 to be exact."

As I listened to Eisuke I began to focus my eyes on the laptop screen and scanned over the names of the victims. I absentmindedly began to mumble to myself and Eisuke stopped talking while he shoved the laptop in front of me.

I noticed that the victims were from both genders, which meant that he did not have a strong hate towards one gender. But they were all in the same age group, late 20's to mid-30's.

They were also all killed in Japan and were just as successful as my father was, from being in a grand business to working as a head chef in the biggest restaurants in Japan. My mind couldn't really grasp all the information that was suddenly thrown at me and this stupid nightmare just kept creeping back into my mind. Without thinking, I began to write down the crime scene of Ota I have seen in my dream. The first name that popped up was John Wayne Gacy, the psychotic killer-clown from Chicago. Then I narrowed it down to just the Japan area, no specific name popped up just another unsolved case that was opened 15 years ago. Only now there was a list of 21 people on this list.

I sit back in the chair and let out a tired sigh while rolling my head to get some of the built-up tension out of my shoulders. "If this is all the doing of one person, he would have multiple personality disorder. That means he has about 5 or 6 personalities, damnit!" I begin to mumble to myself but the last part was a little louder than intended which made Eisuke turn towards me.

"What are you mumbling about? Found something?" he asked annoyed while crossing his arms.

"No. I mean, yes. Kind of?" I shrug and shake my head to gather my thoughts, this was all just too much of an emotional rollercoaster. "I had a nightmare about the 5 of you being murdered in 5 completely different ways. So, I looked up one of those scenes and found the exact same time-span, with the exact same descriptions of the killer. I think our murderer might have a multiple personality disorder." I began to explain with a clearer head, by just concentrating on the matter at hand.

I could see that Eisuke's attention was transfixed on the words that were escaping me. When I was finished with talking he scratched his chin while thinking about my words and probably puzzling the pieces together.

---

Our little study round was interrupted by Baba bursting through the doors of the giant office. "Princess!" he chirped in a tone that I already found overly suspicious, "Come with me, I have a surprise for you!" he held out his hand and did a gentlemanly bow.

Eisuke and I shared a side look and the both of us shaking our heads while I began to giggle at Eisuke's funny, grumpy face he had. I turned back towards Baba's outstretched hand and took it with little hesitation, I didn't like his tone before but I know that Baba has something up his sleeve I will find enjoyment in.

He led me out of the lounge and charged towards his room. "Baba, what exactly do you have in mind?" I asked, knowing I will only get a half-assed response but hey, asking doesn't cost anything, right?

"Didn't I say that it would be a surprise?" he asked back while coming to a halt in front of his own penthouse room.

"Well, yes you did. But I'm an Interpol agent, you should know I don't like surprises that much, especially when they are coming from a criminal." With a smug smile, I decided to tease Baba back.

He unlocked the door and looked back at me pretending to be hurt by my words. "Now that right there was just cruel! I'm not a criminal, I'm a thief!" I looked at Baba dumbfounded with big eyes and my mouth slightly agape. Then I burst out laughing so hard I had to hold my stomach. When I turned my gaze back towards Baba he had a sincere smile on his lips.

"Alright so what is this big surprise you're playing up right now?" I walked past Baba into the living room and turned back towards him.

"Go take a shower, wash all those tears away. When you're finished go into my bedroom and put on what's lying on the bed. I'll be waiting here." He slumped down on the couch, still wearing that honest smile.

I nod and head towards his bathroom, where a long overdue shower is waiting for me.

---

To say that the shower was much needed is probably an understatement, it was most likely one of the most satisfying showers I've ever had in my entire life. With the towel tightly wrapped around my body I walked into the bedroom, that was connected to the bathroom, while drying my hair.

When I reached the bed, I couldn't believe my eyes and thought Baba was messing around with me. There was a beautiful, fluffy cocktail dress lying on the bed. I gasped loudly as I took the royal blue, silky, dress by the hanger and pressing it to my body while looking in the mirror.

I put the dress on and had one of the biggest, most idiotic smiles of eternity on my face. It was a perfect fit and the perfect length, it almost reached my knees. How did Baba even know my dress size?

When I turned back around to see if the zipper was all the way up, and maybe to see if my butt looked good, my gaze fell back towards the bed where I noticed a pair of simple, black high heels. I picked them up and held onto Baba's armoire while putting them on. Like the dress, they were exactly my size, how does he do that?

As I looked at my body in the mirror, stepped closer to it and got a closer look at my face. I had faint dark rings, my lips and my skin looked dehydrated. I wondered if by some miracle, Baba had some makeup. Suddenly I heard some shuffling behind the door and saw Baba opening it.

"Wow." Was the only thing he could muster, while his eyes danced up and down my body. "Princess, you just made me lose my words, and it takes a lot to do that to a man who really likes to talk." I laughed a little at his remark and turned fully towards him.

"Makeup's in the bathroom mirror." He crossed his arms triumphantly. "You really think I would forget one the most important things? I have everything perfectly mapped out." I grinned up at him and made my way into the bathroom, to do my makeup and hair.

After about 30 minutes I walked out and found Baba sitting on the bed with his phone in hand. "I'm ready." I said in a soft voice.

He lifted his head away from the phone screen and his eyes grew wider than before as he took in my finished look. I blushed and placed a piece of hair behind my ear while smiling shyly.

He walked towards me as he extended his arm out towards me and I took it without hesitation. "Alright, my lady. Let's go." And so, began an evening I wouldn't forget in a while.

---

Dinner was absolutely fantastic. We went to a little restaurant, a secret favorite gem of Baba's so he told me, that was in a vintage style with huge chandeliers decorating and lighting up the room. The company I had with me wasn't so bad either, it made me feel a little nostalgic only that the both of us matured, some more, some less, and conversation flowed easily with the occasional flirting in-between.

After we were finished with our food and left the restaurant, Baba asked me to come with him for one last adventure before we withdraw to our respective rooms. I gladly accepted since I didn't want this evening to end.

He led me to the rooftop of the Tres Spades. I let out a silent gasp when I discovered that Baba had even more up his sleeve. There was a bottle of champagne, two glasses and a candle placed on a low table with two cushions on the floor.

I walked towards said scene with Baba following after me. When I stood there, I didn't know what exactly to do now. Baba probably noticed my hesitation and gestured me to sit down, which I gladly did.

He poured us some of the bubbly goodness, as we clinked our glasses Baba raised his glass a little and said; "To our reunion, our successful careers and this wonderful evening I got to spend with the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on."

I rolled my eyes at his last remark and took a sip. Immediately, when the liquid hit my tongue, I could tell it was something overly expensive. It still tasted so good, the sweetness and the slight bitterness made it almost prefect.

I set my glass down on the table and moved to stand up to gaze out to the view we had of Tokyo. I closed my eyes and breathed in the chilly, but still pleasant, night air while a gust of wind blew by, which made me shiver slightly. Baba noticed and shrugged off his burgundy blazer and placed it on my shoulders.

I turned my head in his direction and met his gaze; "Thank you." I whispered, "I mean not only for the jacket, but for the whole night. I truly don't know when the last time was that I let this loose and didn't constantly have to worry."  

Baba gave a small smile and put his hand in front of his mouth. If I didn't know it better, I could've sworn that I made the womanizing thief blush, but it was hard to see in the dim city lights.

"The pleasure was all mine, princess. I enjoyed myself just as much as you did, if not more. I'm very proud of who you've become, (Y/N)." He looked at me with nothing but honesty and love in his eyes. I smiled up at him and felt my eyes become a little hot.

"Thank you, nobody ever said that to me so it means a lot, especially coming from you." He looked shocked for a second but recovered fast and put his warm hand on my face to gently rub the apple of my cheek.

I felt myself become almost hypnotized by his eyes as I stared deeply into them and he did the same. I gingerly placed my hand on his chest right over his heart that was beating at an incredibly fast rate.

We inched closer and closer to each other, like magnets. Then, we stopped just a few inches apart. I saw his eyes flicker down to my lips and back to my eyes, his eyes were asking for permission which I granted him by putting my other hand in his soft hair and pulling him closer so that our lips touched.

Little did we know that this soft and loving kiss, would turn our whole world upside-down.

#kbtbb #kbtbb fanfic #kbtbb fanfiction #eisuke ichinomiya #kbtbb eisuke #Soryu Oh #kbtbb soryu #Mitsunari Baba #kbtbb baba #Ota Kisaki #kbtbb ota #mamoru kishi #kbtbb mamoru #voltage inc #voltage fanfic #voltage inc fanfiction #kissed by the baddest bidder

[wellimhavinga3outof10day]

Lost Lullabies - Chapter Sixteen

Description: Mickey Milkovich, former child star turned action movie star, runs into his old co-star, Ian Gallagher, out on the street in the middle of a winter night. When Mickey takes him in, he doesn’t realize that Ian has the power to completely turn his new life upside down.

Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

Read on AO3

Ian walked in through the backdoor of the Gallagher house and was immediately assaulted by half a dozen people yelling his name. He did his best not to drop the gifts he’d brought as Debbie wrapped her arms around his middle. Kissing her on the head, Ian greeted her and handed off the presents to Fiona who was always ready to step in so a disaster could be avoided. Debbie pulled away so Carl could take her place, his hug a little more formal, his disastrous impulses now mostly sated by his military training. Liam grabbed onto Ian’s leg as well and, for a moment, Ian found it impossible to move.

           After his younger siblings had finished with him, Ian shrugged off his coat and took a seat at the kitchen counter. Fiona scrambled around from the fridge to the cupboards as she tried to cook several dishes at once.

           “Need any help?” Ian said.

           “You’ll just slow me down,” she said, not even a hint that she was joking in her tone. As she bent down to check on the turkey in the oven, she added, “Where’s Mickey? I thought you said he was coming.”

           “He wanted to take a later train,” Ian said. “Something about Milkovich Christmas Eve tradition being getting wasted as fuck.” He shrugged and dipped a finger into the mashed potatoes before licking it off.

           “That’s disgusting.” Fiona winced as the sound of a crash came from the other room but ignored it. The one good thing about all the kids being old now – with the exception of Liam – was that she could trust them to sort out their own shit every once in a while. “How is it working with Mickey again? You know, especially after all that stuff that you told me a while ago.”

           Ian laughed, shrugged. “It’s pretty good, actually. He’s... he’s happier than he used to be.”

           Fiona raised an eyebrow. “Anything happen between you two?”

           “You really want to know?”

           She shrugged. “Spare me the details, I am still your sister, but if I’m seeing your boyfriend instead of your incredibly homophobic crush, I gotta act different.”

           “Let’s say you’re meeting my incredibly homophobic and closeted boyfriend.”

           “That sounds like a recipe for disaster.”

           Ian didn’t know how to respond to that, so he didn’t. He watched Fiona cook for a little longer before slipping off his stool and heading into the living room where the rest of his siblings waited. Liam was sitting in front of the Christmas tree, shaking presents one by one. Carl sat slouched on the couch flipping from Christmas cartoon to Christmas cartoon to Die Hard to Christmas cartoon. And Debbie stood at the back of the room with Frannie in her arms, cooing at the girl.

           Ian walked over and kissed his niece on the cheek – it’d been four years and he still found it weird that he had a niece. As he spoke to her in sweet, soothing tones, the front door opened. He looked up to find Lip walking in, unravelling a scarf from around his neck.

            Ian stiffened and watched his brother, waiting for him to look up. To say their relationship was strained would be a bit of an understatement. Ian had thrown his life down the drain and dragged Lip with him. Even though Lip had pulled himself out – he had taken courses to boost his high school grades, gotten a couple scholarships and went off to college – he still blamed Ian for his life being further behind than it should have been. And he had every right to.

           But when Lip looked up and saw Ian, he only smiled and pulled his brother into a hug. “Hey, man,” he said with a laugh. He clapped Ian hard on the back. “You’re looking good. Like really good. How long have you been clean now?”

           Ian shrugged. “A little over two months.”

           “Wow. I’m proud of you. Real proud.” Lip stepped back and took off his jacket. “Can’t believe you went back to acting though. I vividly remember your exact words being ‘not even if those Disney fags suck my cock.’” He raised a brow. “So, who did the sucking? Was it Manning? Because I’d really like to see that prick get on his knees.”

           “No luck there.” Ian laughed. He lingered awkwardly in the middle of the living room as Lip went to sit down beside Carl. He felt out of place in the house even though he’d lived there his entire life. Maybe he finally got why Mickey never came back to the Southside. After movie sets and constant drug tests and safety, it felt like a trigger bomb just waiting to explode.

           Ian forced himself to settle and took up a spot on the arm of the couch. He made it through half the Rudolph movie before the doorbell rang. Jumping up, he went for the door and opened it to see Mickey and Mandy on the other side. He couldn’t help himself. His heart leaped in his chest. Grabbing Mickey by the back of his neck, he pulled him into a heated kiss and backed right into the living room without letting go of him.

           When he pulled off long minutes later, he smiled and whispered, “Merry Christmas.”

           “Merry Christmas,” Mickey replied, his voice low and sultry in a way that made Ian’s blood rush downwards. Mickey cocked an eyebrow. “I didn’t know my present to you was coming out to your entire family.”

           “Sorry.” Ian bit his lip. “I’m just happy to see you. You mad?”

           “Not at all.” Mickey pressed forward and kissed him again.

           They broke apart to Mandy’s laughter. Ian let go of Mickey to hug her, kiss her on the cheek. “It’s good to see you again,” he said. “When you moved to New York, I thought we’d lost you for good.”

           “You would’ve too if I could have only gotten a ring on my finger.” Mandy shook her head and sighed. “But now I see my brother’s already stolen you from me?”

           Ian laughed and got the Milkoviches settled in to the living room. He ended up sitting practically in Mickey’s lap – not that that was an accident at all – and whispered most of what he said into Mickey’s ear. The entire time Mickey kept shooting him glances that mixed affection with worry, an expression that turned Ian’s stomach, but he was too high on life to let it bother him. Mickey could be worried. Hell, Mickey could think he was on drugs for all he cared. If he got to sit on Mickey’s lap, nibble on his ear, and play his fingers across his chest, he didn’t care if Mickey thought he was involved in a terrorist plot.

           Fiona came out of the kitchen thirty minutes after they arrived. She hugged Mandy and gave Mickey a slight wave, a smirk brimming on her lips. She got the party started with quick efficiency, getting Liam to hand out the presents, and ending all childish arguments about who got to go first. She even pulled out a camera to make memories. Ian gave Mickey a huge kiss on the cheek when she turned the camera their way and the end result was a Polaroid picture of Mickey laughing like a maniac.

           With all the presents open and the crowd going back to their own business, Ian leaned his lips close to Mickey’s ear and said, “I got you something really special back at my hotel.”

           “Mmm,” Mickey murmured. His eyes were half-closed like he was sleepy drunk without having had a single beer. “Is that what’s stuffed in your closet?”

           “Maybe.”

           “Ian...” Mickey sighed and Ian tensed. Mickey let his hand rub smoothly up Ian’s leg, a comforting gesture as he looked up with serious blue eyes. “I need to talk to you about something. And I don’t think you’re gonna like it.”

           Ian nodded, slow. “I get it. You wanna stay in the closet for your image. It’s not a big deal. I can—”

           “Ian, this isn’t about me. It’s about you.”

           “I’m not on drugs.”

           Mickey shifted out from under Ian and got to his feet. He grabbed Ian’s hand and pulled him out the front door, stopping on the porch. He turned to look Ian in the eyes. “We need to go to the clinic.”

           “What?” Ian said. “Because I didn’t use a condom? Look, sure, I haven’t been tested in a while, but I’m usually safe and I haven’t shot up since the last time I was tested, so I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.

           Mickey let out an annoyed exhale. “No, Ian. Not that.”

           “Then what?”

           “I think you’re manic.”

           Ian blinked. “What?”

           “You’ve been off the rails lately, Ian. And if you say you’re clean, then I believe you, but you’re still not sleeping and who knows how much shit you’ve bought to stuff that closet and you’re still talking way too fast and... I Googled it. They may all be drug symptoms, yeah, but they’re also bipolar symptoms. And your mom—”

           “I know what my mom had,” Ian snapped. “Fuck, Mickey.”

           Mickey grabbed his elbow, stopped him from turning away. “I know you don’t want to hear this,” he said, his voice just a little unsteady. “Fuck, I don’t wanna be right about this, Ian. But you know the kind of shit your mom used to do. And I’ve been looking it up and the drug abuse... a lot of bipolar people use drugs and alcohol to cope. I don’t want you backsliding because there’s something else going on other than addiction.”

           Ian met Mickey’s eyes and softened a little. There was nothing but concern in the other man’s eyes. “Fine,” Ian said. “We can go to a clinic.”

           He stepped to go back inside but Mickey stopped him, again. Mickey said, “I think we should go to the clinic now, Ian. Hopefully get this all sorted out before we start filming again.”

           “And when the studio gets word of this? They were wary of hiring me in the first place, Mick. And I can’t hide this from them when they’re testing my piss every week. Sure, they’ll be fucking confused as to why I’m using Lithium to get high, but if you think—”

           “Ian. You are the best actor on that set.” Mickey’s eyes were bright like fire. “Anyways, they can’t fire you for having a fucking mental disorder. It’s unethical and you could sue their asses for it.”

           Ian nodded.

           “So, the clinic?”

           “Fine. Whatever.”

           Mickey let go of him and waited. With a sigh, Ian headed down the front steps and started down the road. He knew where the community clinic was. Between having every one of Debbie’s pregnancy check-ups there and Ian having ended up there high off his ass more than once, the route was seared into his mind. It sent chills through him to be back there. He hadn’t been back in a while.

           He walked through the glass door, leaving Mickey to catch the door on his own. The nurse at the front desk looked up with a smile. “Mr. Gallagher,” she said. Ian tried to remember her name, failed, and glanced down at her name tag. Nancy. “How nice to see you again. What can I help you with?”

           “I, uh...” Ian dropped his eyes to the countertop.

           Mickey nudged him in the ribs, gave him a curious look.

           Ian shook his head.

           “He thinks he might be bipolar, like his mom,” Mickey said, his voice low despite the fact that the place was empty. “We were hoping you guys had some tests you could run or something?”

           Nancy nodded and stood up. “Of course. Mr. Gallagher, do you want this man to come in with you?”

           Ian shot Mickey a glance and then shook his head, quick. He looked down at his feet while Nancy rummaged for the right paperwork. With a smile, she ushered Ian out of the waiting room and down a long white hallway that he knew too well. As they went, she chattered on about the weather and staff gossip and asked him innocuous questions about his life. Then she stopped beside a white door.

           “You’ve dealt with Dr. Charles before,” she said. “You spent quite a bit of time talking to him about addiction when you were a teenager. Do you remember?”

           Ian nodded.

           “All right. He’ll be with you in a minute.”

           Ian entered the small room with a tight weight in his stomach. He took a seat in one of the two armchairs, tapped his fingers against his knee, and looked around the room. The walls were white and bare. The only other furniture in the room was a small desk with a computer on it, the Windows logo bouncing around the screen. Ian started to regret not asking Mickey to come in with him but he didn’t know what Dr. Charles would ask and he didn’t know what he didn’t want Mickey to know.

           Dr. Charles entered a few minutes later, a smile on his wrinkled face. He’d seemed to age two years for every year Ian had been away from him. “Ian,” he said as he took his seat, resting his clipboard on his knees. “What a pleasant surprise to see you again.”

           “Don’t doctors kind of hope they won’t see their patients again?”

           “We both know you stopped coming to sessions against my wishes,” he said but he didn’t seem upset. “Can you tell me what’s brought you back?”

           “I, um, well,” Ian began. He took a deep breath and spoke to his feet. “I might be bipolar.”

           “Bipolar?”

           “My mom has it and I’ve been... I’ve been really fucking happy lately and I don’t see why that’s a problem but my... friend thinks it’s an issue and with my family history, it’s just... he wanted me to come.”

           “Ian.” Dr. Charles waited until Ian looked up at him. “I want you to know that having a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. No matter what we figure out here today, you have to keep that in mind.”

           Ian nodded.

           “Now, let me pull up a little questionnaire and we’ll see what we find, okay?”

           Ian nodded again. He waited for Dr. Charles to wake up his computer and find the right sheet. Then he started with the questions. The first ones were easy – name, date of birth, height, sex, weight – but then they started to get a little harder. He had to describe his symptoms and really, he just started listing off the things Mickey had said he was doing. He hadn’t even realized most of it. Sure, he knew that sleeping three or four hours a night wasn’t normal and that he’d been wasting his money, but he thought it was all the hype of the movie set. Even when the director told him to speak slower, he always thought it was his nerves getting the better of him. He didn’t think he’d ever done anything like Monica, nothing worthy of having people compare him to her.

           “Hypersexuality?” Dr. Charles said.

           “What?”

           “Hypersexuality,” he repeated. “Having a higher sex drive than normal.”

           Ian stared at him for a long moment, nausea curling in his stomach. He’d been on Grindr way more than usual. He’d jacked off maybe seven times yesterday to the thought of Mickey. How many times had he told Mickey he’d just wanted to be friends only to crumble under the weight of his lips? Had that all been the illness? Had none of that been his feelings for Mickey? Was it just about sex? He thought he might start hyperventilating. He didn’t want his first time with Mickey to have been about an overblown libido, didn’t want to go on meds just to realize he’d never wanted Mickey at all.

           “No,” Ian lied. “Nothing like that.”

           Dr. Charles typed it in. A few questions later, he finished the questions and turned to Ian. “Well, Ian, it takes more than a cursory assessment to properly diagnose bipolar disorder. Furthermore, there are different types and which one you have won’t become clear without more therapy.”

           “But?”

           “From what you’ve said to me today mixed with your family history, I would say there is a strong chance you are bipolar.” He held up a hand to stop Ian from interrupting him. “I’m going to start you on a low dose of Lithium and I’ll need you to talk to Nancy at the front desk to set up weekly appointments. It’s all right, Ian. We’ll get through this together.”

           Ian was too numb to even nod. He got up from his seat and let Dr. Charles lead him back to the waiting room. Mickey stood immediately but Ian was already moving. He barrelled out the door, breathing hard, and only stopped two blocks away to catch his breath. A few minutes later, Mickey caught up with him.

           “What the fuck, man?” Mickey sounded out of breath. “You okay? What happened in there?”

           “Forget it,” Ian said.

           “You just burst out of there like a fucking race horse and you want me to forget it?” Mickey grabbed Ian’s shoulder and turned him to face him. “What’s up? What did the doctor say?”

��          Ian bit his lip hard. More than anything, he wanted to shake Mickey off, yell at him, and walk away. He didn’t want Mickey to know. He didn’t want Mickey to worry. And he definitely didn’t want Mickey Googling more shit just to find out that Ian’s sex drive had nothing to do with him at all.

           “Ian,” Mickey said, soft. “I’m here. Whatever’s going on, I’m here.”

           “He said maybe.”

           “Maybe?”

           Ian shrugged. “It’s hard to diagnose apparently, but he wants me to come to therapy and start Lithium and... fuck. Mickey, I can’t do it.”

           “Sure you can. Maybe not here, but we’ll get you a therapist closer to work and—”

           “No, Mick, I can’t fucking live like this. I can’t be bipolar. I just can’t.”

           Mickey’s eyes widened a little. “What are you saying, Ian?”

           Ian shook his head, tried to blink back the tears. “I’m just... My family already thinks I’m Frank. I can’t be Monica, too.”

           “You’re Ian,” Mickey said. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Ian, holding him tight. “Fuck your family. And fuck what they think of you. You are not your parents, Ian. You are you and you’re a lot fucking better of a person than they are.”

           “You sure about that?”

           Mickey nodded and pulled away. “Now, come on. Let’s go back there and book those therapy sessions, okay?”

           “Okay.” Ian reached out for Mickey’s hand and wrapped their fingers together. To his surprise, Mickey let him and didn’t pull away for the whole walk back to the clinic.

<<Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen>>

#gallavich #shameless #Ian Gallagher #mickey milkovich #ian x mickey #mine #3outof10 fanfic #lost lullabies #chapter sixteen

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Hello! I'm going to start answering the old ask first and then the one about the show, okay? Last week was busy? Because of Mother's Day? Or something else? I dont know if i have to cheer you up saying "dont worry, this week everything is going to go back to normal", or if i shouldnt because that will mean you'll get bored at work🙊 Did you brought the ballons finally? (1)

HIIII LOVE!!!! Ufffff, I didn’t realized Mother’s Day meant May was starting,jajajaja. May is our August. We have A LOT of places to go to make candy bars, do you know what it is? Well, we put it on communions, weddings… and we have a couple every weekend. So we make the things we put on the bar during the week. It’s a lot of work for all of us, but it’s the month we make the most money,jajajaja, so 🤷🏻‍♀️.I FORGOT the balloons 🤦🏻‍♀️😔. I totally did. I didn’t think about them till a bit before the show started, lol. It would have been so cool, but I totally forgot.  

U didnt go to a lot of concerts? Dont say that! I’ve only gone to 2/3 shows. Not much. & much less this days, with so many festivals. Oh, yeah. Ed came some years ago, but i was too young. Uh, i feel u, the sale of the tickets was crazy. Like, we were supposed to go to see him in Mdd, and we ended up in Bcn, & with another kind of ticket, not the one we had agreed to buy. But totally worth it!! I know he has a reputation for being tedious and repetitive, but his sound live is not like that. (2)

Oh, there are so many concert and festivals these days. I guess I never was a kid to ask my parents for a lot of things, and I never really had someone who I liked enough to ask to go concerts,so 🤷🏻‍♀️. But I love concerts. The ambient… well, I already told you,jajaja. It feels like you’re around your people, or at least to me, bc I don’t know anyone in real life who likes the same music as I. And I loved it the time in the line,jajja. It was like we were camping. I don’t know, jajaja, it felt right. Ed has that reputation? I dididnt know about it. I’ve see a couple of videos, and I found it so difficult what he does,jajja, with the guitar and the pedal he uses to record his voice and all that.

HAHAHAHA. I am laughing because now you have not only managed to find a Larrie at Harrys’s show, but also at Niall’s!! Either there’s many of us, or you are a Larrie Magnet😂 How can i do the same?? Show me. She keeps up because i have tumble, and her bffs also have tumblr and twitter and they share the news on the groupchat. I mean, she doesnt know everything (no one does) but we tell her the important things.(3)

Jajajajajja, I think I’m s larrie-magnet,🤣🤣🤣. Hey, you have your own larrie-pal at home, what more do you need??? Jajaja. (I have my own anti at home, so…). You tell her important things??? I hope you’ve tell her about Louis last night!!  Jajajja mymy, did you see him??? I missed him so much. He looked so good. And he’s so good. Ay, I could cry,bc he deserves a lot better from everyone, from life… You know “hay gente que nace con estrella, y gente que nace estrellada”? Well, I always think that about Louis. He never gets it right. But I really hope the future holds only good things for him. :/Well, your sister and her friends sound more organized than me, jajajajjaja. I’m now in a group chat, ajajaja, we’ll see how that works, or if I have Togo out bc they talk too much,jajajaja (I’m old, my phone ringing too much, makes me cranky🤣🤣🤣🤣👵🏻)

Yes, men suits tend to be more boring. Harry need to do something, but at the same time, dont. Harry + red carpets + cool suits + HQ pictures = my dead. Oh wow. You really are half-witch. JAJAJAJAA. Me as your sister trying to take profit of your hability. Isnt she smart?😂😂 did you really guess the birth of the little girl? How? (Can you guess the end of BG too? Pls end it). Oh! Okay, i get it now. He sounds pretty special then. (4)

Jajjaja jajajja, that’s true (I sometimes say things that louis (mostly) has said, jajaja, and that’s true is his response to Harry’s “the wind make nice waves”, jajajja, so read it with Louis’ voice😝). See?i almost had a heart attack yesterday when I saw Louis in a suit,jajajja.Well, she’s always looking at ways to make money of everything,jajja (no she doesn’t, but she does it more than me). I don’t know how,jajaja, we were making a “porra” and I thought that+and that+and that… it was more a guess, than a prediction, jejejeje. And I can’t control my predictions, they usually happen in my dreams. I wish I could end it. I’ve been wishing for it to end blowing my birthday candles for years, jajaja (and I can’t believe it’s been years 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Gay parade? JAJAJAJA. Listen, but why? Why would u take a cake to a parade? Do ppl usually do that? I’ve never seen it. Uuuh. Yes. Of course we are queer because its trendy, thats what we, dumb&young people do. Of couse. Being hated because of that is so cool!! I hate that logic. Uh. Not all changes are bad, and just bcs you dont see LGTB+ people doesnt mean they dont exist. I’m so sorry you had to stand that while you couldnt even yell at him! And you cake didnt deserve that insult either. (5)

Yeah, I don’t know his logic, but I guess he doesn’t use logic that much when he says things like that. And yeah, I mean, if you’ve never been hated for something like that, it can be hard to imagine. But also, I hate people who doesn’t care about their surroundings, y'know. I might never felt hated because my color skin (I’m white), but I know dark-skinned people suffer for it. So I’ll attend at whatever they say. And if I can make something to alleviate their pain or help them, I try to do it, y'know. But I can’t with people who only knows their own reality and doesn’t care to learn about the rest. (I don’t know if I’m making any sense bc I’ve been writing this sentence for a couple of hours,lol)

Oh no. She wasnt kind. It was meant to show me that she thinks i am to annoying and political, but i dont mind. It is what it is. What i found sad is that it wasnt even a boy who said that but a girl, but well. Whatever. Oh nono. Dont worry. I was just complaining because thats what i live for. I enjoy learning, but not this way. Anyway, it’s just one month and then summer!! I dont know if i will be working or not, but either way, it’s a great perspective. (6)

I feel like I have to say hi again, lol. I started writing yesterday (Tuesday) in the morning and now is Wednesday night 😒. May is so busy at the shop. And to add to that, today at 8am my cousin’s mom called me because he had woke up at 5am. He has a sleeping disorder, and sometimes he wakes up at 4-5am and he doesn’t go back to sleep. And I’m there for those days (bc the parents has to go to work, obviously). Anyway, I have to answer you now bc tomorrow will be busy too. I have to go to the shop to help my sister, bc we have TOO much to do.

Well, she doesn’t sound very kind. And I don’t know how good of a friend she can be if she says those things to you. And yes, I agree. I don’t like when people thinks like that, but when is a woman… I can’t. It’s like when some women say that “I’m sure she provoked him” when a girl is abused or raped. 😡😡😡.i, than am all for women solidarity, can’t comprehend how women can be “machista” (I can’t find the world in English?).And yeah, I’m the same. I love learning things, but I don’t like to be graded,jajajja. And, a free summer to go on vacation, or just rest, sounds amazing. But also, the money you can make working, sounds amazing, too,jajajjaja. Some people work for a month, and then enjoy the rest 🤷🏻‍♀️.

YEES. I SAW THE PICS. HE WAS SO CUUYTE. AND SMILING. Tought i feel bad because there was a lot of people around him and i dont like it. It gaves me the impression that people treat them as shiw monkeys :(. But anyway, i saw him!! 😍😍😍 Yep. I saw that theories too. Idk anything, but if that’s what he is doing, then i’ll wait. Of course i will. Did fhey really put For You in Pasapalabra? JAJAJAJA. He is trudly successing in life😂 Que nivel! (I sound ironic but I’m really happy internally). (7)

Awwwww, did you see him at that award show??? He is such a good person?? I hate that media doesn’t focus on that side of him. He’s kind, lovely, good amazing hugs, did you see how he kept rubbing her shoulder to keep her calm???? OMG! And,yeah, I hate that there’s always the same people around him, like he was a zoo animal.Yeah, I don’t watch Pasapalabra, but I got to watch it for a moment one day, and they have like this musical minute? And they played For You. I told my brother, and he told me that they play the same song every day for a week or more. So, I’m glad for Liam. He has a very good team behind him.

Surgery? Okay okay. Then i’m not asking, but i’m sending you luck and hugs!!! 🍀💕 I just saw that you did tell me about your irish nails. I must have not read that that day. Ups, sorry. I have finals, yes. I start tomorrow and i finish (if i pass everything at first try) around the 10th of June. I just have to suffer for a few weeks more.🤷 Thanks for asking!! (8)

Thanks love. I haven’t told anyone. Not even my friends know about it yet.

Ohhhhh, you’re in the middle of your exams. I really really wish you the best. That everything goes well, and you stay calm. And I hope you pass everything at your first try, so your summer is a bit longer. 😚😚

#o my lovely flower anon #I feel like this message is a complete mess #sorry if I don’t make any sense #or if I forgot to answer to something #or maybe I let a sentence without finishing it #🙄🙄 I’m able to do that in real life too #much love!

[hope-in-my-bones]

I'd like to share a little wisdom, if you'll hear it. Or maybe it's not wisdom cuz I smoked quite a bit and feel compelled to share this but anywaus here ya go. My "Adult Life" has been quite an experience thus far. But not in ways I would've expected, say, 5 years ago. I've learned how to do my taxes, for the most part. I've tried alcohol, though I seem to be the only one in the house who much prefers drinking juice and also buys it in gallons. I've discovered a bar that is also an arcade and I now have a place to take my friends out on a late night that's actually fun and they serve root beer. I had my first car, though it was brief. I bought myself a ukulele because I decided I was finally gonna learn to play an instrument and stick with it. I got a couple tattoos, and I really like them. I've picked up my interest in Art again. I'm determined to build a portfolio and aquire new skills, simply because it's FUN. I've listened to my friends tell me about college and how their teacher tells them they're actually gonna be famous one day or they're planning to study abroad. I couldn't be happier for them. I demanded they send me postcards with funny notes or remember to save me a front row seat. While I haven't had the adventure of college just yet (more or less living vicariously through my friends), I have had an interesting period of change and self reflection. Bringing me to a short story I'm about to share. But before I do that, this is in now way meant to convince anyone that there is a single right way to find personal happiness. This is simply an account of how I believe I am finding mine. In 4th grade, I went to a public school that no one would've heard of, and certainly never won any awards for being a great school. I had 2 friends, and spent most of my free time in the nurse's office. I never felt like anything "special," but I had 2 friends and that was good enough. Then one day in Art Class, the teacher gives us an assignment with the book called "Salt in His Shoes." It was colorful book about Michael Jordan. We were asked to recreate a page in the book without tracing. I chose a fairly simple page, he was sitting at a table with his arms crossed and holding a basketball. A few days later when the assignment was finished, I was pretty happy with it. And was certain I would it would look great hanging in the hallways at school. More days pass and in the middle of math, I was called down to the art room. I was absolutely terrified that I had done something wrong. I believe to this day that I had my first real panic attack then. To my great relief, I was completely wrong and the teacher had informed me that between two students, she had chosen my picture out of the whole 4th grade to be featured not only in the school art show, but also the town art show. I was ecstatic. Simply overjoyed. I don't think I ever bragged about anything to my friends as much as I had this particular event. MY ART was going to be seen by EVERYONE because it was GREAT. But while my art was going to be featured in a show, I wasn't going to be there. Mom couldn't take me, and thus I had no way of getting there. I wasn't mad, but rather just a bit sad that I wasn't going to be able to see other people's art nor see that which was physical acknowledgement that I had something beautiful to offer. But I was already well versed in disappointment, and thus thought nothing more of it. Kids are weird. And definitely more complicated than we give them credit for. I often wonder if getting farther away from certain ages is what creates this almost imaginary gap of intelligence that adults believe they have from children. That adults forget what children really know and pick up on simply because they, the adults, have more vocabulary and reasoning to describe their thoughts and actions. This time I was called to the Principal's office. Cue second massive panic attack at the tender age of 8. Unbeknownst to me, Mom made a phone call. Under no obligation or favor did Principal Shirack have to do this. But he offered to pick me up and take me to the art show. The one at school. Looking back on this particular moment, I don't remember how I felt or what I did after leaving his office that day, and the experience was rather visceral at the show. But as I examine the memory further, I am led to the conclusion that standing in front of the picture as it hung on the wall,--parents glancing at it as they looked for their own kid's drawing-- was a defining moment that helped create ME. Someone showed me a kindness that was by no means required. He could never name every child in the school individually, and he certainly didn't know me or my name until then. And yet he created a moment in my life that I will always look fondly upon and remember as an inspiration to be a good person. To be kind. And to help others. He gave me Opportunity. Years later I lost that drive for art, which I regret deeply even now. I developed terrible anxiety and fear of success. Believing that I was the manifestation of failure itself and deserved only such. Making commitments and not following through. Crying from stage fright and vowing to never try again... I found the inspiration again only recently, and I intend to take advantage of it, and yet I asked myself "How? After all this time, why now?" And I'll be damned because the answer was so freakishly simple that if I could kick myself in the shin, I would. I explored. I had no net. I had moved put of my parent's house. No deadlines. No limits. No one to impress. Everything that I described at the beginning of this vignette was something, that the very thought of, made me anxious or uncomfortable. My friends going off to college without me. Doing my taxes which I had never gotten right before. Wondering if alcoholism in my family would effect me too. Making car payments. Never learning how to play an instrument because it's too hard. Not getting tattoos because only a handful of people seem to think that it'll kill me when the amount of ink I want will probably only kill me when I'm already old. Finding a place to take my friends that is fun for both me and them so we're not stuck indoors because I don't have much mode of transportation. These are honestly only a few things that I've grown more confident about. They seem indifferent. But these changes, this new lifestyle that I've accepted, it's taking one day at a time. Living with long term goals achieved by short term success. Getting paychecks. Saving for an apartment. Earning good credit. All these things have made me happier. I don't feel left behind when it comes to things like college. My friends don't expect me to know what they're talking about. There's no longer a pressure to move through life as quickly as possible to achieve the long term retirement we all know and already want. I have less than others, and now I push to be more informed and advocate for what I believe to be morally good and just causes. I spend more time with my pencils because I have fun doing it, and it's no longer "just a distraction." I work till I bleed because every dollar on my paycheck is proof of personal achievement that I never appreciated before. It's made me kinder to people who have even less than I, more patient. If I see a homeless person and I only have a 5 in my wallet, every dollar goes in that little cup because I know what it's like not to have dinner. I don't do these things because I feel that I have to, but because I want to. These things have simply become integrated into my lifestyle because I have widened a perspective that was once just tunnel vision. Graduate high school, graduate college, focus on a job, work till retirement. Never before did I acknowledge the little victories because I was made to believe that my only focus should be on my future self and rather than who I am now. Now I'm sure if you're still reading this, that you've made it this far and you're probably asking "Alright what's your point?" If you have a mental disorder, or you're finding that your life isn't near any kind of fulfillment that you had hoped for by now, please don't be discouraged. Happiness isn't achieved in a day, but it's about building yourself. If you're afraid to do something because you doubt it, I implore you try it with someone you trust. If you're struggling with a class and can't get any of the material right, take a day off. Refresh yourself. Go play a videogame. Sleep. You are more than your grade. And getting one F, or even multiple, does not define you as a person. It sucks, but it's not actually Failure. If you didn't get that one job that you really wanted, that's ok. They don't deserve you anyways. Try something easier to obtain if only for the money itself. If you're worried that you're art isn't good enough because no one liked it when you posted it online, maybe that one like, or reblog you need will come from someone who hasn't made an account yet. They'll find you eventually. If you don't want to pay a bill because it means no food money, then by all means feed yourself. What good is a bill if you're dead? You are the only person who can decide what's best for you. If you make a mistake, you have your whole life to learn from it, however long that is or however long you want it to be. People change. You will change. The future will change with you. Be bold. Be adventurous. Be kind. Be you.

#personal rant #or pep talk #somethin like that #long post

[juniexe]

This week on No one Asked But She’s Doing It Anyways:

1. If you could have the chance to make out with 5 celebrities, who would you choose and why?

Emily Rudd - she counts as five celebrities don’t even fight me on this 2. If you had to be straight/gay for a day (whichever you’re currently not!), what celebrity would you most like to take on a date?

goodbye 3. What is the biggest injury you’ve ever sustained and how did you do it?

Glass through my foot but w/e 4. What is the most unusual food you’ve ever eaten?

I went to Myrtle Beach and ate the rocks. 5. What is the most unique animal you’ve ever touched?

Metaphorically me 6. What are the top 5 most contrasting songs on your iTunes?

Everything I listen to is exactly the same four chords. 7. Which 3 countries would you LEAST like to live in and why?

Anywhere where I’m stereotyped tbh 8. If you could make just ONE change to this world, what would it be and why?

Can people just... chill?? 9. If you could wake up tomorrow and be fluent in 3 additional languages, which would you choose?

French, Korean, Russian 10. Which would you rather out of these 3 options? A- Be good looking and extremely intelligent but so poor you live on the streets. B- Be extremely intelligent and a millionaire but what society classes as ugly. Or C- Be good looking and a millionaire but extremely academically challenged? Why?

A because idc 11. What are the top 10 movies to make you cry? (Or at least make you sad!)

I have no emotions

12. What’s the scariest nightmare you’ve ever had? Describe it in detail.

I had a dream about the Law and Order: SVU transition screen and it scared me awake 13. Would you rather raise 25 children or have the chance of ever having children taken away? Why?

“…………….Why would I ever CHOOSE to raise 25 children.” - @j-offrey​ 14. Would you rather go on a relaxing beach type holiday to the Caribbean, a cultural holiday to Japan or an adventure packed holiday to South Africa?

Japan would be fun tbh 15. If you went to a desert island for just 6 months but could only take one album with you, what would you take?

If I Should Go Before You - City And Colour 16. Put these in order of your favourite movie genre to least- Horror, action, thriller, adventure, superhero, romance, drama, comedy, musical and dance?

Horror, Thriller, Drama, Adventure, Superhero, Action, Musical, Dance, Comedy, Romance   17. If you had to lose one of the 5 senses, which would you choose and why?

Taste tbh, I would cry if I lost anything else 18. What have been the top 3 most brilliant days of this year? Describe them in as much or as little detail as you like.

Boyfriend, Troye Sivan Concert, Emily liking my tweet ;) 19. What do you believe we as human beings take most for granted in this world?

I feel like we all take kindness for granted. I’m not gonna explain myself. 20. How many concerts have you been to in your life and which was your favourite? If you’ve not been to one, who would you most like to see?

I’ve been to 3 in total, but I wanna go see more tbh. 21. If your life was about to become like Cheaper By The Dozen and you were going to be saddled with 12 children, what would you name 6 girls and 6 boys?

Everyone would have an E name. Eden, Emily, Elena, Emory, Evangeline, Emma Elias, Evan, Emment, Ethan, Ezra, Elliot --or something like that 22. What’s something a stranger has said or done that you will never forget?

A woman literally stopped her car on a busy street and pulled over just to tell me I was beautiful and honestly I aspire to have that sort of love in my heart 23. What do you think happens when we die?

We rot. 24. What’s the most special hand made present you’ve ever been given?

In eighth grade, my best friend made me this plastic bracelet and I couldn’t take it off until I got a little bit older. But I still have it even though I haven’t seen her in a while. 25. What’s the most frightening thing you’ve ever seen in your life?

:/ 26. Name 5 books you think everyone should read and give a brief synopsis for each.

The Great Gatsby, 1984, American Psycho, Unwind (childhood fav), ..... idk the bible with ya sinning asses

27. Do you believe one can fall out of love?

I think love is not something you fall out of. I think the magic can falter but I think that if you really love someone, you’ll love them even when there isn’t magic there anymore. But it depends honestly. 28. What are your three favourite sounding words?

Ephemeral, Poignant, Ethereal 29. Have you ever had a paranormal experience? If so, what happened?

:/ 30. Name 4 things you hope to see happen for you in the new year.

Less bullshit, more good things, that’s all i can say 31. List the 7 deadly sins in order of the one you feel you commit the most to the one you feel you commit the least.

Pride, Envy, Sloth, Wrath, Greed, Gluttony, Lust 32. What’s your current- Desktop picture, phone screensaver, phone lock screen and Facebook Cover Photo?

Desktop: Suzuya Juuzou Screensaver: Me and my boi Lock Screen: Me and my girl Cover photo: Some flowers I think 33. How old were you the last time you went to visit Santa? Talk about that time.

Once when I was 4 and I hated it so I never went again. 34. Rate your first kiss on a scale of 1-10.

2 - forced and bad 35. What’s the funniest dream you’ve ever had?

????? 36. What are 3 facts you know about your favourite celebrity/character that prove you know too much?

Emily; used to play a Disney Princess in the parks, her brother has a band, her natural hair color is blonde/light brunette 37. Name 5 songs you wish you’d lost your virginity to? (Or would like to lose your virginity to.)

...... 38. Name 5 songs you’d like to have sex to in general.

............................... 39. Put your iTunes on shuffle, write down the first line of five songs and give it to me as a poem.

Feeling used, but I’m still missing you. (hate u love u - Olivia O’Brien) Pinky promise I’ll still love your garden. (Bombs On Monday - Melanie Martinez) I have never wished on hope (Kanye - The Chainsmokers) You think that you know my heart (Beautiful Thing - Grace VanderWaal) You fooled me from the start. (Leaving Tonight - The Neighborhood)

40. Where do you stand on the death penalty? Explain your reasoning.

Morally wrong if they’re innocent, perfect for the totally guilty. 41. Who are your holy trinity? (3 celebrities or characters that come above any other for you.) 

Characters - Suzuya Juuzou, Allison Argent, Harley Quinn 42. Would you rather- A. Have a prickly leaf stuck on your forehead for the rest of your life, B. Suffer 100,000 stings from stinging nettles or C. Get 200 thorns stuck in your body?

Gimme that prickly leaf :) 43. Top 5 WORST movies you’ve ever sat through?

Any sequel to a movie ever 44. 5 movies you thought you’d hate but ended up loving?

Zootopia?  45. Tell a story that involves someone you had a crush on in school.

My crush gave me my first kiss and then dated my best friend the next day so there’s that 46. What’s your favourite ever television commercial and why?

The Billy Mays commericals were my shit 47. If you woke up and had 10 million in your bank, what would be the first 3 things you did?

Set aside money for college, buy a car, and invest the rest. 48. You can have 100 million but you have to give 1 million each to 3 different charities, which 3 do you choose?

I don’t know any specific ones, but one would be something for low-income schools, one would be for low-income familes, and the other would be for cancer research/treatment 49. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to you?

"you’re ok” 50. Would you make out with a person of the gender you’re not attracted to if it meant you could sleep with any celebrity/character of your choice? (If yes, you can choose the person to make out with.)

fuck you. 51. Name 5 facts that the vast majority of people won’t know about you.

I’m pretty good at assessing people’s emotions by their facial expressions, I’m really good at figuring out things about someone without asking, I got to witness a brutal beating/hate crime on my street when I was 7, I know like three words in sign language, I’m non-violent but I keep a small weapon on hand if I ever need it

52. When was the last time you laughed so hard that tears fell from your face and what was it at?

i don’t have emotions or any life in me anymore 53. How important do you think education is?

Extremely.  54. Share 5 goals you want completed in the next 30 days.

No 55. Do you have a toy that’s really special to you and if so what is it, how did you get it?

No? Not a toy anyways... I have a necklace with ursa minor as the pendant. It reminds me to stay humble. 56. What are 3 traits that you like about yourself and what are three that you dislike about yourself? Personality wise.

I’m pretty understanding of people no matter how bad they seem to the world, I tend to be extremely loyal to the people I’ve become friends with, I can also predict people’s emotions and empathize with them very easily. 

However, I get jealous extremely easily because I feel like I could be replaced at any moment, I’m nosy when someone doesn’t tell me something the instant I ask, and I weirdly enough have some pretty low self-esteem. 57. How did your name get chosen? What’s the story behind it?

My mom named me after a great dane that peed on a bomb to disarm it. 58. State 8 facts about your body.

- lungs were stuck together when i was born - got a scar on my foot from getting glass stuck through it - i have two birthmarks that are both on my face - i got a scar under my left eye from getting attacked by a dog - used to have a heart murmur, now i’m just in emotional pain - i’m hypoglycemic, which gives me anxiety - survivor of an eating disorder - i’m borderline legally blind  59. Have there ever been rumours spread about you? If so, share them.

Honestly? Always. But it was always about things that I’ve done and not who I am as a person. 60. Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?

Nah I’m immune to everything. 61. Describe yourself in one word/sentence- what made you choose that?

The second person you call if your plans cancel on you. 62. What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?

Bolivia, Dubai, England, Tokyo, Canada 63. Share 7 facts about your childhood.

- I’ve lived in the same house since I was 7 - I shared a room with my sister - I didn’t have many friends, just cousins - I spent a lot of time outside until I got into middle school - I loved Blue’s Clues 64. Share 6 facts about your home town.

- Lots of heroin busts - School was a castle before it was a school - the town is over a 100 years old now - used to be racist af - cool river - dirty 65. You’re in jail! What did you do?

Public indecency 66. You’re given $10,000…under one condition- you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who do you give it to?

My mom 67. Share 5 things you love unconditionally.

Emily Rudd dogs :) writing music suzuya juuzou 68. What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?

There’s a specific song that I can’t listen to anymore without thinking about the awkward moment/public embarrassment it caused for me 69. Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life.

THERE’S A LOT. 70. Put your iTunes on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up. Explain why each song is on there.

2manynotdoingit 71. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive.

I feel like I answered this already but Emily Rudd Evan Peters Tarjei Sandvick Moe Rihanna Dane Dehaan Veren 72. If you got to spend an entire day with your favourite celebrity what would you choose to do and who would you choose?

I WILL DO ANYTHING WITH EMILY EVEN ROB A BANK 73. If you could only listen to one band/artist for the rest of your life, who would you choose and why?

I can’t answer this question, I feel personally attacked. 74. You can ask your favourite celebrity 3 questions and they’ve taken a magical truth pill so they will 100% answer honestly, what do you ask?

I’d probably just ask he opinion on things, honestly. Like there’s nothing I need to know in particular. 75. Who do you think is a really underrated celebrity and what do you love about them?

y’all ask me way too many questions about Emily but???????????? She’s honestly perfect like she’s so talented and super smart and wow I love her 76. What were the last 3 songs you listened to and what do they mean to you?

Madcon - Beggin’. I just really like the song? The Neighbourhood - Daddy Issues. I resonate with this song a lot. Bell Biv Devoe - Poison. That’s my SHIT. 77. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person. If so, who?

I’ve been told I look like a mix of Rihanna and Mimi from Rent. I’ve also been told I look like Ruth B. 78. What song makes you cry the most?

Beautiful Thing by Grace VanderWaal. her voice just makes me cry okay 79. Share 4 facts about your parents.

- Mama had me at 21!!! - Dad is a bitch ass hoe - Step dad is cool but he went to prison - My parents used to smoke a lot of weed around me 80. Share 9 facts about your family.

- Germans - Mostly closeted homophobes - Also slightly racist even though I’m black - Barely any of them went to college - Most of the women are big-breasted - All of us have some sort of mental illness - We all talk shit about each other - There’s too many to fit in one house  - I have so many siblings jesus fuck 81. Share 5 facts about your best friend(s).

- One of them looks like an instagram hoe - My friends have known each other longer than they’ve known me - Emo/Weeabo phase hardcore - One of them drinks a lot - All of us are minorities in some way 82. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for in a partner?

I’d like to say that I’m humble but I’m a sucker for blonds. But tbh, I don’t really look so it doesn’t matter. 83. Share 5 ways to instantly win your heart.

- Buy me things - Reassure me that I’m wanted - Constantly compliment me - Let me know a lot about you - Make me laugh :))

84. Top 10 biggest turn ons?

Affection and validation are my only turn ons ;) 85. Top 10 biggest turn offs?

everything 86. Have you ever had a poem or song written about you?

Yeah. My boi™ writes haikus/poems for me all the time 87. What is your personal definition of cheating in a relationship?

Being close sexually/romantically/emotionally/physically with someone you aren’t dating. :/ 88. Give a description of the person you dislike the most.

They look like a piece of shit. 89. Write an open but anonymous letter to a person of your choice.

I’m sorry I’m not enough for you. 90. What are your morning and evening routines?

Brush my teeth, shower, lay back in bed. 91. If food was people, who would be your best friend, your life partner, your enemy and your ex?

my best friend is ham my life partner is wings my enemy is onions my ex is salisbury steak 92. Have any celebrity deaths truly impacted you?

No, I don’t think so. I’m not very invested in many celebs like that.

#about me #me #veren gave me an excuse to talk about myself #the real mvp

[augustsveryownnnn]

2018.

This year might’ve been one of the toughest years I’ve ever had to go through and I will break everything down from start. Read if you like (even though I doubt anyone will see this) but if you do somehow read this here’s my 2018.

Friends.

As a 27 year old, I’ve met a numerous amount of people. I grew up fortunate enough to be around people that actually enjoy my company. For the past few years I’ve found myself in a place where I thought I’d never be. It currently feels like I have no friends. As harsh as that sounds, it’s true. Then again, I said it “feels” like it. I have friends, but as each year goes by I feel like the friendships I have slowly decrease & fades away. I have 2 groups of friends where I can hang out in a daily basis but for some reason they all stopped hanging out with me. Even though at times when I’m near them, I feel unwelcome and none of them would really talk to me.. or simply ask me how I am or what I’ve been up to. I’m not sure if I rubbed them off the wrong way but the only time I see them is if I hit them up directly. I’ve been excluded from many events.. from birthdays to holidays and to just any special occasion. I’ve never asked them why everything feels so different because I don’t want to put them in a weird position. For now, I’ve been letting things rock on it’s own. I haven’t been social as much I use to, part of it is because of the self low esteem I have and how I’m unable to hold conversations. Throughout the years, when I hang out it would usually be one on ones or with a group of 2 or 3. It hurts me that I’m saying this but I can see clearly see they don’t want me around.

Family.

Family has been tough. My family looks down on me. Everytime I see them they never ask what I’ve been up to or anything people would normally say after not seeing each other for awhile. Questions like “how have you been?” “What do you do now for work?” None or that. Instead they say things I don’t want to hear. Things like “when are you going to grow up?” “How come you don’t have a girlfriend?” “Why do you have your beard?” Stuff like that. I never really cared what they say anyway but I can see the disappointment in my parents & grandparents face. I never got the motivation I needed to get the head start, or words of encouragement knowing that they believe in me. I recently told them that photography has really changed my point of view in things and I hope I can be a successful photographer some day. The reaction I got? Classic, “photographers don’t make money” “how can photography make you happy?” “Do something more useful with your life.”

Those words fucking hurt coming from their mouths but it doesn’t matter. I will do whatever I want to do. I’m sick of the asian stereotypes where all they want you to do is what they want you to do. A fucking doctor or anything in the medical field, a fucking lawyer, an accountant. Why can’t they just simply say do whatever you want as long as it makes you happy? I know it was tough for my grandparents and parents growing up in China where job opportunities were brutally limited but it’s 2019 and times have changed.. and I’m in America now. They don’t give me the same love and attention they would normally give me growing up cause they know I’ve already “fucked” my whole future up.

Health.

Health has been the biggest concern thus far. I’ve been recently diagnosed with gout & psoriasis. Gout is disorder that triggers your joint due to high levels of uric acid causing your joints to be in excruciating pain. Meanwhile psoriasis is a skin disorder where your skin cells rapidly grow and creates layers and layers of dead skins forming into a nasty crust on your skin.

It’s been brutally tough having these 2 conditions and it all started with my habit of poor diet. Many people know there are certain things I can’t eat now, in particular.. seafood, red meat & alcohol. It fucking sucks cause I absolutely love all 3 . I’ve been so self conscious with my skin where I refuse to show people my elbow or hands. The psoriasis plaque I have are on my elbows and all over my hands. It’s been getting worst and this year was the worst yet. I would never show my hands when I’m around friends and I would apply lotion really often now just to get rid of dried skin on my hands. There are some people who notice it and asked what happened. But I made up a lie and quickly brushed them off. Gout is really painful, I’m currently having a gout attack as I type because I overwalked this past weekend. This weekend I walked 19 miles and over 40k steps throughout NYC taking pictures. Because of gout, I’ve given up on so many of the things I love to do.. like sports, and outdoor activities such as hiking. I’ve been through so much physical pain on both of feet the past 3 years that I don’t wish this upon anyone. These flare ups can happen at any time of the day and the pain can last up to a week but usually 3-4 days for me.. but it’s close enough. It doesn’t help because I’m a smoker and my diet lately has still been a joke. I can’t blame anyone for this but myself because I never took care of myself. I’m 27 years old and I’m currently dealing with disorders where older people in the 50s would JUST start dealing with. It’s crazy but I do have to take care of myself. Because of this I’ve practically given up on so much things.

Love.

Love has been difficult. Really really difficult. The last relationship I was in lasted for a year and that was in 2010-2011.. so it’s been 8 years since my last relationship. Pretty crazy to say because I never thought I’d go through an 8 year stretch with no girlfriend. But because of everything that’s been going on with my life, I don’t see myself being in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean I gave up. I’ve spoken to girls and tried to engage myself in conversations to their liking. But expectations weren’t there and in the end nothing worked out. I was recently head over heels for a girl that I went to elementary school with. We spoke for a month and things were going well after one night where she decided to call it off. It hurt me so much because I thought I found someone who was feeling me as much as I was feeling them. I’m not sure who to turn to just to talk about it and everytime I get rejected, my confidence just starts going downhill. To the point where I’m done because I don’t have much to offer. And time is ticking on my end.

Life.

In 27 years of living, I haven’t achieved much in life. I dropped out of school during freshman year of high school and it was by far the biggest mistake in life. I decided that free time and hangouts with friends were more important than education. All my friends graduated college, but I didn’t. However I am thinking of going back and hopefully I can get back on my feet. I haven’t been working too because I give myself too much excuses. All in all it’s just tough because I’m terrified of the real world. I don’t have the qualities to present myself to anyone and I don’t even have a degree on anything so finding work has been extremely difficult. It pains me when my fiends and I sit down as they talk about their jobs or how much they make annually and here I am just silent because I have nothing to speak about. Everything I’ve said so far plays a role in my life and they’re not good ones too. I’m not doing enough to provide for my family and myself and for that I kick myself every damn time.

I cant blame anyone but myself. I hope 2019 will be the year where I make drastic changes in my life. I don’t remember the last time I’ve truly been happy. I worry too much about my friends where I put them ahead of me. I’m not sure how long I can last doing this but I really hope a door with new opportunities open for me and I am willing to work my ass off to get to that point.

Thank you for taking your time and reading this even though I know no one will ever see this but if you do, these are my darkest secrets I’ve just shared. I’m just praying I can turn my life around for the better.

[clamonnaturalhealth]

As hard as it is to believe, they are six months old! From those tiny little babies that entered our lives so unexpectedly to half a year old. Every day that passes their personalities get bigger and so do they. As I have told y’all in earlier post, we kept 3 kits Cyan, Kami, and George, as well as mom, Carmel. Two kittens went to new home, Jinx to our daughter Megan and Cleo to our friend Gabby. Call us nuts but having six cats is mostly fun, but sometimes crazy and frustrating. We have mamma, Carmel, the three kittens, and our boys Fabio, who is 12 and Beeker who is now 5. Okay now on to what you came here to read, all about the kittens, just 1 more thing; a new product I found for pets, that I highly recommend! Read on….

Fabio

Caramel (aka mamma)

Beeker

Well I told y’all in the last update we were attempting to toilet train, at least, Carmel and the kittens, so much for that idea! Only Kami got it and only part of the time so we gave up on that experiment! We are now moving to an automatic flushing potty, because litter boxes with six cats is ridiculous! Well any way you put it six cats is ridiculous, but my husband loves them and since he was a deprived military brat who was only allowed to have a hamster I’ll give him this one. Who am I kidding, I love them too and they are good company while I’m here all day by myself writing. They do get aggravating when I’m trying to work and they are determined to “help” by getting in my lap and pushing keys on the laptop or playing with the iPad screen. I must admit they have been good for me, something I haven’t talked about is losing my best friend of 13 years in late May. Boudreaux was my first dog and I had him since he was just six weeks old. He had been with me through thick and thin, my illnesses, the auto accident, the long recovery from my injuries, and the hard work it took to get back to this close to normal. I miss him terribly, as I type tears spill down my cheeks, loosing him is still to tender on my heart to talk about. The kittens entered our life just six weeks before Boo left for heaven and they were a God send! Literally!! They have kept me entertained and distracted from my grief.

George is the biggest six month old kitten I’ve ever seen! His nickname after he was born was Bruiser, and his size still measures up to that name. However, his personality couldn’t be more opposite! He’s just a big ‘ol lovable orange teddy bear! He’s calm, cool, collected and loves nothing more than sitting in your lap purrrrring and sleeping. When he does manage to gather the energy to play his favorite toy is a drinking straw! So much so I can’t have a straw in my glass and take my eyes off it! He stole my straw out of my glass today, with it in my hand! About the only other thing he loves is a tunnel my husband bought them and it’s even better if his straw isn’t to long and he can get it in his tunnel.

Kami is still the sweetheart of the bunch. She has big green eyes that are always watching and learning. She has an old ratty mouse (pun intended) that she loves and if she’s going to play it’s with that mouse or with her siblings. She loves to sleep on the couch by her mamma, and when my husband gets home from work she is in his lap. I have even seen her back down the sixty-five pound dog because my husband is HER person! She wears a bright pink collar with a bell that’s not needed cause she is mostly chill all the time. She did give us a scare a couple weeks ago, when she developed a cough out of the blue. After a couple of days of this odd, random, cough we took her in to the veterinarian and she was diagnosed with asthma. Yes, cats can have asthma! After a steroid shot and a round of antibiotics, which she was wonderful about taking, she’s not had any further issues. But just in case we changed to a dust free litter and took the lid off the litter box. We haven’t made to move to the flushable litter box yet, but it’s on the top of my wish list on Amazon!

Cyan! What can I say… I could write a book just about her! I am her person! Period end of story! Just ask her. She is active, crazy, and oh so smart! She loves to play fetch, especially at five in the morning, when I am trying to sleep. She loves all the toys, balls, the tunnel, scrunchy toys, fuzz, bugs, and on and on. Nothing is safe! She knows, very well, the rules of the house, but doesn’t care and does it anyway! Gets on the table, the counters, swings from the curtains, everything. Where she is concerned the squirt bottle filled with water is my best friend. She saw Fabio on the top of the refrigerator, hiding out from the kittens, and thought I can do that! Never mind it’s a big time no, no and Fabio got in trouble, it took me two weeks with the squirt bottle to break her of getting up there. She is so stubborn and strong willed and keeps me on my toes and laughing a lot! Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to do with her, but I also have no idea what I’d do without her!

Jinx lives in Michigan, with our daughter and her husband. He is such a handsome boy! He LOVES his dog, Willow, they are best buds and he gets frustrated when Willow goes outside and he can’t go too, but sometimes he try’s to sneak out too, but quickly rethinks that. He is chatty, loves to tell you all about his day while everyone was at work. Mr. Jinx likes to cuddle and try and sneak food away from Hobbes, his older cat brother. He will catch the ceiling fan (see photo), he just knows it! He’s vocal about his breakfast, and his second breakfast and if you even think about missing his dinner!

Cleo (short for Cleopatra) looks the most like her mamma. She is getting more and more color in her coat and even had a beige tip on her tail like mamma. She is snugly, she loves to follow her human mom, Gabby, around and be where she is. She’s totally a mamma’s girl! She likes to play fetch only with milk jug lids. One of her other favorite pass times is bugging her big “sister” Shadow, who was perfectly happy being an only child. She also likes to pull her combo food and water bowl across the floor, just to make a mess for mom! And they all love boxes! We never thought we would have to keep so many boxes!

First article on 5 Kittens and a Blog   

5 Kittens and a Blog (6week update)

5 Kittens and a Blog (8 week old update)

5 Kittens and a Blog (4 month update)

The new product I was telling you about is a CBD Oil for pets! The company is reputable, FDA approved, organic, non GMO and made in the USA. I wish I had this product for Boo, before he got sick. I can’t help thinking maybe it would have made a difference and he could have stayed with me a few more years. Here is the information and the link to order. I have been taking the human version of this CBD Oil for months and it has helped me considerably! I have Fibromyalgia, disabling injuries from an auto/semi accident, and Lupus. I have seen a major improvement in my pain levels and sleep quality since starting Hempworx CBD Oil. I highly recommend it for humans and our beloved pets!

Alternative Pet Care (Supplements for cats)

HempWorx has just launched CBD PRODUCTS FOR PETS!

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Our new HempWorx CBD Dog Treats are baked in a 105 foot tunnel oven, the old fashioned way. They contain NO wheat, NO corn, NO soy, NO glycerins, NO waxes, NO added sugars, and NO artificial ingredients. They are 100% natural, and veterinarian approved. HempWorx dog treats also sell for $39/bag (20BV).

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Pet Owners across the globe are starting to realize the health benefits by giving their furry friends farm-trusted high quality CBD. Some pet owners we’ve talked to are realizing improvements in anxiety, aging/mental function, arthritis, autoimmune disorders, bone health, glaucoma, infections, pain, and inflammation.

Now, for the first time ever, HempWorx has brought to market the most powerful CBD products for pets!

  5 Kittens and a Blog (6 month update) As hard as it is to believe, they are six months old! From those tiny little babies that entered our lives so unexpectedly to half a year old.

[mountain-madness]

1-100 :)

1. My middle name is Christine, and it has definitely grown on me. I used to hate it!2. I'm not artistic unfortunately3. I've had my first kiss, but we were just friends. I haven't had a genuine kiss. 4. My life goal is to get married and adopt at least 1 child. Preferably 2. 5. I've met some famous people but it was just like meet and greet style haha6. I don't currently play any sports7. My worst fear is the dark TBH8. My biggest inspiration is probably my grandma. A lot of people inspire me for different reasons9. I can't think of any cool talents of mine!10. I'm trying to turn into a morning person and it's kind of working11. I don't have an opinion on pet names12. I like reading but I don't love it13. List of shows that have changed my life? Hmmm chasing life, locked up, don't call me crazy (I think that's the name), TBH Jane the virgin I wish the was a joke lmao14. TBH I kinda do care about my follower count15. I don't dream often so I can't think of the best dream I've ever had!16. I have not kissed someone of my same gender. 17. I don't have any pets :((((18. I'm not super religious but I want to be19. I am a people person when I'm in the right mindset20. Fuck no I'm not popular lmao21. One of my bad habits is overeating22. Something that makes me vulnerable is that sometimes I have no control over my emotions23. I would name a girl Sadie or Lucy or Juliette or charlotte but Charlie for short and a boy Lucas or Jackson24. My celebrity crush is all of them25. My best subject is french rn I love it so much26. CATSSSS27. twitter is my most used social media28. My best friend's name is mackenzie29. My family consists of a brother and dad at home, I also have a mom and a ton of extended family30. Chocolate over sugar31. I wouldn't say that I've ever been on a date32. I love roller coasters!33. I can swim very well actually 34. In the event of an apocalypse I would surrender myself lol bye35. I have struggled with a mental disorder. I have bipolar disorder and it's a constant struggle. Some days are much worse than others though. 36. My parents are not together37. My favorite color is blue!38. I'm from/live in america39. My favorite singer is luke Bryan at the moment but I love jack Johnson and Bastille is my all time favorite band40. I don't see myself being famous one day41. I LOVE DRESSES42. favorite songs right now would be river flows in you and just over and love it gone by luke Bryan43. Talking about sex does not make me uncomfortable44. I was 12 when I first got my period lmao rip45. I have never shot a gun46. I have done yoga47. I'm not a horror girl48. I'm great at giving advice and want to do it as a career (hmu for advice)49. Story about my childhood: when I was 7 I was at the beach and I thought I got pinched by a crab turns out a bee stung my ass and the lifeguard was uncomfy bc my mom was trying to make him put an ice pack in my bathing suit bottoms lmao poor dude50. I am doing extremely fucking well today thank you @god51. I was the ugliest kid on god's green earth but I've had a glo up52. I can dance if it's choreographed53. I can't remember not being annoyed by every single sound ever and I can't remember a time where I didn't overshare54. I have dyed my hair and I need to again bc I started going gray at the age of 17 :))))55. My eyes are greenish hazel56. My favorite animal is...idk can't answer that57. I make a huge fool of myself daily. Last night was bad. 58. I have a great relationship with my dad and a pretty good relationship with my mom59. I have amazing friends but I could use more so hmu60. My brother is part of the LGBTQ+ group and I also have friends that are in that group 61. My favorite class is french!!!!62. I'm watching Jane the virgin rn63. Fuck no I'm not organized64. The last movie I saw was the girl in the book. It wasn't great65. I relate to Callie from the fosters66. The only thing standing between me and complete happiness is that I don't know what the future holds67. I've I received enough money to never work again, I'd buy people shit and then adopt the 2 kids that I want and we'd live happily ever after68. If I knew I would never die idk I don't think I'd change anything about myself because of that69. If I knew that nobody was judging me I'd do a lot of things differently lol70. If I could start over, I'm not sure what I would've done differently 71. Of course I would break the law to save a life72. The last time I travelled somewhere new was probably spring break senior year?73. When I think of home, my dad's apartment comes to mind bc that's where I live lmao74. I'm going to school to pursue my dreams and I did homework today soooo75. When I was a kid I wanted to be the girl in the Minnie Mouse costume 76. If I dropped everything to pursue my dreams I wouldn't have a job lmao77. I can't think of a time where I didn't speak up when I should have. I always speak up. 78. The next 5 years of my life in a single sentence: I'll be in school79. If I never wasted another minute of my life idk what id be doing80. If I could live forever, I'd spend eternity doing the same thing I'm doing right now lol81. I'm not sure how I'd spend a billion dollars82. If I could time travel I'd go to the future83. What novitiates me to succeed is that if I don't I'll be fucked84. I don't have a dream that has resonated with me the most85. I'd rather live in the city bc the woods would sketch me tf out86. I do believe in life after death87. The teacher that inspired me the most is...probably Mr. Eckels bc he was the bomb88. My fondest childhood memory is going to the circus with my grandpa and cousins89. If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I'd probably have dinner with my gma and thank god she's still alive90. I cry tears of joy every time I watch military homecoming videos91. The hardest lesson I'm learning in life is to stop making excuses and get the fuck over it lmao92. After we die I think we're reincarnated93. If I were invisible idk what I would do! Probably trick people lmao94. I can't parallel park no matter how hard I try95. I'm not planning on having biological offspring but I wouldn't wanna choose the sex and appearance anyway96. My first crush developed bc he gave me his toy car with his name on the bottom 97. There's not really a feeling that I'm trying to ignore rn98. Do I live or just exist hmmmm I live Thanks for asking!!!!