#anyway. just have to keep telling myself this is worth it.

[quitealotofsodapop]

[Send in more of your thoughts :3]

Well, for the most part, unless they want to cause cardiac arrests, not much could be done.

Depending on the SWK, of course. Maybe blackmail in exchange for something. Or just causing as many gray hairs as possible.

Erleng Shen finding out that by Celestial Law, SWK is his cousin could be worth a laugh, depending on the twos relationship, or lack there of.

But I am partial to them finding a way to use the parentage info to help get Cherry some more immortalities in him, to help with the egg situation.

[The Reincarnation of a *certain* Primordial Demon who has just died? And may need to be raised in tandem with it's Qi Energy counterpart in order to grow into a (mostly) balanced monkey? >:3]

Oh, that would be brilliant. If Xiao Qi remembers his previous life, would the Reborn!Luzhen also remember it or just completely fresh baby?

And if the former, then could Xiao Qi tell who Luzhen was? Cus...that could be interesting, like, that could cause some sibling fights, you know?

Point is, things could get chaotic for the Reborn monkeys. I like it.

hehehe Celestial law issues. referencing.

Depending on whether or not the Songzi-Stone Matriarch-Guanyin reincarnation cycle even applies to the other universes, I could def see a few monkeys sneaking into the Underworld just to make sure.

[Depending on the SWK, of course. Maybe blackmail in exchange for something. Or just causing as many gray hairs as possible.]

Definitively more of the latter. I feel almost any Wukong has a "I don't get no f--king sleep 'cause of y'all! Ya'll not gonna get no sleep 'cause of me"-relationship with Heaven/Celestial Realm. Dawn/Peach and Ace are more likely to blackmail this connection because of how long they've been around + having already completed their Journey. The others either keep quiet about their connection, or (most likely Cherry) no one would believe them anyway.

[But I am partial to them finding a way to use the parentage info to help get Cherry some more immortalities in him, to help with the egg situation.]

Cherry rolls up to Wangmu and/or Lao Tzu's place during his Journey and it goes like;

Cherry: Hey can I have some more immortalities?" Wangmu: "How in Buddha's name did you get here? And why should I?" Cherry: "I'm going to have a baby and I'm really scared I might die and leave them all alone. I need the immortalities so I can survive and make sure they have a parent to love them." :'( Wangmu, mother-goddess mode activated: "Oh sweetheart... You should have really just asked. Come! I can't spare you any more pills, but I'll take you you to my peach orchard instead!" Cherry, remembering the poisoned peach: "They aren't boozy ones right? Can't have those in my condition." Wangmu, thinking he's joking: "Oh no dear! They're quiet fresh!" Cherry: "Wow. I didn't even need to tell you that my boulder-mom is Guanyin's previous life." Wangmu: (*face contorts in shock*) "Excuse me?" Cherry: "Yeah I found this scroll in the Underworld that proves it. She also used to be a life goddess or something? I can't read the details so good." Wangmu: (*realising that the current Jade Emperor (I hc her only son) is outranked by her eldest daughter's firstborn - aka the very monkey infront of her*) Wangmu: "I... I may need one of those boozy peaches myself."

Don't tell the Netflix!JE. He will literally scream and hide if he found out that the Monkey King is the superior heir to the throne.

[Erleng Shen finding out that by Celestial Law, SWK is his cousin could be worth a laugh, depending on the twos relationship, or lack there of.]

Oh gosh the different Erlangs are going to have a fit, if not keel over laughing at the thought/knowledge of Sun Wukong, the Havoc of Heaven, being their legal blood cousin. XD

The ones with brotherly vibes are delighted, but the antagonistic ones are kinda sneering at the idea.

[Oh, that would be brilliant. If Xiao Qi remembers his previous life, would the Reborn!Luzhen also remember it or just completely fresh baby? And if the former, then could Xiao Qi tell who Luzhen was? Cus...that could be interesting, like, that could cause some sibling fights, you know?]

Xiao Qi remembers being Fruitie/Qi Energy, and specifically reincarnated so he could have a chance at meeting Monkey once again + go on the Pilgrimage. Of course he miscalculated how small, underdeveloped, and Baby he'd be, so it's gonna be a while before he can verbalize to Smokey that "Fruitie" is ok.

Xiao Lu however is the first fresh slate Yuandi has ever had in it's endless existance. Nuwa would likely show the soul some kindness and pour Meng Po's broth onto the clay so that the resulting baby wouldn't remember the eons trapped beneath the earth. Xiao Lu does however, remember her counterpart Qi Energy, and that they were fighting over something involving "Baba" [Smokey].

Xiao Lu assumes it's because Baba is her Baba and no one elses, so she perches on the brown monkey's shoulder and hisses at her brother whenever he comes near him. It's very cute.

Xiao Qi and Xiao Lu spend so much time play-fighting it's adorable. At first the adults thought it was cute, now they're starting to wonder if the pair are actually training for a future showdown. Then again it's hard to tell since in the blurr of black and white fuzz.

I'm glad that you like these little ideas of mine! :3

#wukongverse #stone matriarch au #stone egg talk #pregnancy tw #the monkey king netflix #lmk #lego monkie kid #sun wukong #six eared macaque #liu er mihou #monkey king reborn #monkey king reborn au #qi energy

[beaversatemygrandma]

Losing my absolute shit bc i can’t chew with my mouth closed without my wisdom tooth jabbing into my cheek

11 days until these fuckers are gone and so is all my money

#taks speaks #i cant explain just how much i HATE the sound of chewing #and the fact that i can't even follow my own guidelines of chewing quietly with my mouth closed is just Killing Me rn #im already following fucking post op rules bc i cant chew anything #im gonna be so excited to eat real food again in a couple weeks #and im about to stock up on a fuck ton of tapioca pudding bc i have tastes of an old person #id make my own huge batch of it bc my mom has a PERFECT recipe for it but i have no patience for that whole thing #it's like a half hour of just standing there stirring boiling milk and it is an excruciatingly long wait #anywho im temporarily a mouth breather bc i can't close my damn jaw without biting my cheek so I Hate That #btw bc theyre all impacted it costs 400 per tooth and bc i have a baby tooth that shouldve left when i was 12 IS STILL THERE #it's coming out too which is another 300 bc its not impacted. then anesthesia. some steroid. the shit they use to close the holes.... #like fuck it adds up so much #'i thought you were getting your mom to pay for it' my dad says #'she gave me 2.3k' i say #im going to call her this week and be like 'uhhhhh it's so much more money than that' #who knows if ill get more money or not bc she already gave me a good chunk #that i've already spent like 500 of bc of appointments and consultations #and then the 800 i need for another procedure bc impaction and crowding caused problems #i had a dentist say they recommend braces and i was like 'bruh. i'm already over 3000 down the drain. hell no.' #anyway. just have to keep telling myself this is worth it. #no more pain. no more waking up with headaches from sleeping on my side. no more stress of crowding. #i will be unstoppable without my expected headaches im used to and pain of eating #i am just SO USED to pain it'll be weird to not have any #like. this will be HUGE #im just glad i didn't wait TOO LONG to where the teeth fully grew in #that wouldve been worse. by a lot. and potentially more expensive. so that makes me wonder if i did this a couple years ago if itd be 3k #ugh. i hate this. but this is opening up a lot for me. so fuck.

[deityofhearts]

the current (and consistent) mood is “my presence is unnecessary and contributes nothing”

#deity dialogue #so like on that note I just don’t know what to do #I feel like I need to be realistic about my place in peoples lives and just idk stop assuming people care #*shrug emoji* like I’m tired of being hurt by stupid shit that doesn’t matter #I just don’t feel like it matters whether or not I exist in anyone’s life or in general #I keep trying to tell myself that isn’t true or tell myself that it’s okay but nothing works #sometimes I do genuinely think maybe people do care and want me in their lives #then I realize I’m just bothering them and not like worth their time and it stings because I genuinely want to be wnated by people #anyways my head still hurts and i have a bday dinner to attend tomorrow so once again I’m taking sleep medicine #getting my fave depression snack tomorrow: tiramisu #perhaps I can opt out of dinner and get TWO tiramisu #but probably not I should probably eat actual food lest my irls get on my case about not eating

[moe-broey]

Man it's absolutely fucking stupid what dysphoria does to a motherfucker like. Oooh I feel like shit and I don't know why, everything Feels Bad but I can't quite place it, I feel aimless and unmotivated and like I should go directly back to bed. Dude just put on your binder a slutty tank top that shows pit hair equip your penis and some sweatpants. And I'm cured like instantly. And in five or so hours my ribs and lungs will betray me. So not only is dysphoria the stupidest shit ever it's also a Sisyphean task

#top surgery save me..... top surgery. save me top surgery......... #i do have an appointment for an evaluation. in. febraury. #i keep telling myself one day i will NEVER have to search around my pile of laundry for sleeping bra ever again. #ever since i was 13 i have NEVER been able to Not Wear Something bc the Feeling. is worse. #idk how other transmen/mascs do that. obvs everyone has their own experiences w their own body/dysphoria if they even have it #but for me it's hell. horrible . #i'm not paying it any more attention than it's worth though. i just wanted to complain for a moment. #HELL WORLD! HELL WORLD! anyway. i am at peace and in charge of my own destiny. #<- through gritted teeth covered in blood.

[oatbugs]

i feel like i have rly strict boundaries w ppl eating my food but i feel like i shouldn't but i like . recovered from an ED and i hate having my food messed w / having less food than i thought but i feel like i shouldn't care/just get over it

#like imagine u rly care for smn but their house is kind of far so whenever u go there u stay for a few days #but they have nothing in their pantry to actually make a meal w except like. eggs and bread or smth #and they dont cook for u . but u cook for them all the time when they come over #and you are aware that due to this issue of like . never having food at their house they are often hungry #note : the food thing is less financial strain and more energy/they dont have the willpower to like. buy stuff to cook w ig ? but they also #dont order takeout so they just eat like. bread. and peanut butter. and eggs. #but anyway so ur like ok im gonna bring my own food this time so u do. they know abt ur ed thing. and u tell them youre hungry when #ur at their place so you brought this food for yourself. u are aware eggs and bread cut it for them and they feel full #but u are low on energy a lot bc ur not actually having a nutritionally balanced meal etc etc. anyway so as soon as u get ur food out they #start eating...ur food. and ur like . ok 😃 . like they dont rly ask they just grab a fork and they start eating #and ur like its fine theyre hungry they can have it . but u brought enough food for like a few days and now u have enough for like #1.5 days maybe. so u tell them..i feel like i miscommunicated but the food was...for me...sorry...but u feel HORRIBLE and guilty abt it #and then theyre like ok . and then they keep having ur food #and ur like #ok #:D anyway u made an extra bowl of the food and froze it for urself for when u get back home #bc u suspect u wouldnt have energy to cook . but u end up inviting them and they come along. and on the way #ur like i understand u were hungry but i made the food for myself so next time ig i can make 2 ppls worth of food so i wont have to like #worry abt skipping meals n stuff so much when im over at ur place . and theyre like. ok #and then u get homr. and then #they ask for that last bowl of the same food that u made for uself . and ur like 🫠 okkkk #obviously u give it to them but its like . oh my goddd pls just let me eat my own food i am HUNGRY TOO #and i made it for myself !!!! #but i dont want to be selfish and i rly rly dont want anyone to be hungry bc ik what it feels like and i hate HATE seeing ppl i love be #hungry but it feels like over this week theyve crossed this boundary like 3 times but its like #what if i fuck stuff up by telling them. theyre literally at ur place too w lots of ingredients u could have just made smth for them but #they chose that specific meal u made for urself for after u got back which is the same meal u made like 4 bowls of for when u were at their #place and its like . AUGHHSHDHDH

[widevibratobitch]

.

#tw ed #saw a picture of myself from when i was *checks notes* at my fucking worst with my ED but that meant i was also Thinner. #i really should Go Back huh. maybe if i did i wouldnt feel. Like This. #it'd prolly mean id start losing my hair again which. not a big fan. BUT. #if i was really dedicated i could also lose my period which. huge fan. that was one of the best things that ever happened to me tbh #i could have it all back. maybe i could even get farther than the last time. all it would take is uhh feeling utterly fucking miserable #having no energy for the most basic stuff let alone singing and thinking about nothing and i mean NOTHING but calories 24/7. #but hey. maybe i could like. lose 5 kg for my troubles and then gain back twice as much when i decide again that i just Cant Live Like This #totally worth it huh #anyway. i miss hating my body A Little Less and people being Nicer to me and everyone telling me how good of a job im doing #and encouraging me to keep going. and i miss the sense of Accomplishment and the Pride and the Not Feeling Disgusting #or at least Making Up For It by just. not eating lol #cause like its not like im actually much better mentally am i lmao clearly im not. only now im both miserable AND fat. #obviously ill never be s/kinny let alone as s/kinny as my friends. ill still look like a glitch in the system and a mistake next to them. #but if i have to be miserable anyway i could at least be. less f/at about it right. maybe then ill be worth something <3 #...and other delusions you keep cultivating because there's something deeply and inherently wrong with you #my new bestseller coming soon to your nearest bookshop dont miss it its only $free.99!

[i-am-a-fucking-nerd]

have a horrible headache and usually headaches are a combo of things (esp not eating/sleeping enough) which could be the reason i have one today but. also i smoked thu which was 2 days ago and usually i get a headache 2 days after smoking. and im just. i already wrote a diary entry talking abt it and how i feel guilty and bad for like a million different reasons but now i'm also just incredibly frustrated w myself bc why do i do this!!!!!!!!!!!! i can go weeks and months w/o smoking i don't NEED to do this!!!!!

#smoking #tw smoking #havilah's thoughts #addiction #tw addiction #nicotine #like i feel like i Know that i can just not smoke idk why i sometimes do it anyway bc it's literally only negatives #i've never had a.... i guess a 'strong' smoking habit? like usually it is weeks and v often it is months btwn cigs #i just sometimes get mad and wanna do Smth that will make me feel more bad but also kinda better????????? it doesn't make sense i know #this time i felt Particularly guilty bc just a little bit ago i was hanging out w my friend and he hugged me and told me he's glad i haven' #been smoking a lot lately and a buncha nice things i'll keep to myself but. i just. and then i got home and had a letter from my grandma #that was so so sweet and my grandma used to smoke and she quit before i was born and she used to tell me when i was a kid how horrible it i #and now i have a headache and i /hate/ headaches and it felt dirty and i felt slimy for hiding it from my roommate n for feeling like i was #lying to ppl that care abt me #i know i felt calm too. i know it somewhat feels nice. the sensation is diff from anything else and i like it. i know i sometimes need to d #smth that feels. like. drastic and like it's gonna kill me w/o killing me #but it just. i KNOW that it's not worth it later!!!!!!! i know that i feel horrible and the negatives outweigh the positives by a lot!!!!!! #but i never throw away the pack. it's like. idk. idk what to do to just Not do it. #anyway uh. lemme put additional warnings for what i ended up saying in the tags #suicide #suicidal ideation #depression #i guess idk. just covering my bases i guess so ppl don't see smth they don't wanna see

[certifiedtrashmouth]

MORE MOVIE PAPA

is this about shire? god i hope it's about shire or else what i put under the cut is going to be reaallllyyyyy awkward

“Eddie,” she sighs his name, not even sure why she’s saying it or if he can hear her. 

She quickly has an answer to the latter.

“I know,” he whimpers, turning his head and burying his face in the crook of her neck, “You’re not my girlfriend anymore. You’re Harrington’s. But… please.” 

“I’m not with Steve,” she corrects him, shaking her head to the best of her ability. She knows that he won’t remember this conversation and she’ll have to explain herself again, but she needs to get it out there for her own sake, “I was never with Steve. Not in that way. Never in that way.” 

“I miss you,” he continues to murmur into her neck, and she can feel his lips brushing her skin. It’s nearly painful, making her breathe deeply and stare at the ceiling as she wills tears away. She knows she’ll be able to fix this, to some degree, soon. But to have to sit here now, with a broken Eddie and the casualty of what they once were, sends sharp pains into her chest and throat. She’s so close to having what she wants, what she needs, but she can’t have it. Not tonight. 

Tomorrow, the voice in her mind whispers in her mind.

But how does she know he’ll forgive her? Or believe her?

There’s a possibility this is the last time she’ll ever be this close to Eddie. 

Suddenly, she wriggles her arms that were pinned to her sides free, curling them around Eddie’s waist as best as she could with how he’s holding to her. 

“I know you love Steve, but I love you. I want you to choose me,” he continues to mumble into her neck. He continues to send daggers into her heart, “Always wanted you to choose me. Thought if we fake-dated, it might turn real.” 

“Eddie-” she’s failing at blinking away the tears, and one slips free. She curses it to all Hell. 

“You’re everything to me, Red. Everything.”

#i have this innate fear that if i share too much it ruins the surprise #i keep telling myself that there's a part of this chapter i haven't shared yet that makes it worth y'all reading it tomorrow #if this isn't about shire then sorry anon #peep the way he was also trying to fake it till they made it #WRITING THAT KIND OF HURT? #i hope no one reads my tags lol #ANYWAYS #thank u ily #asks #THIS ISN'T EDITED YET I JUST FOUND A MISTAKE

[proteuus]

forgot how stupid I am when my boyfriend's in town he is so sweet tho..... what am I supposed to do ...

#he came back yesterday and i slept over w him :-)) this morning he was all 'sorry for keeping u up so late 🥺🥺' #he always says this and i think he rlly is sorry but im always telling him not to be bc well i kept myself up late #no one made me stay up least of all him. hes the only reason we ever get any sleep anyway i would keep us up all night bc i am so stupid #anyway i was rlly nervous abt him coming back just bc i hadnt seen him for two weeks and i thought maybe it would be weird when he got back #and over the break we had this long conversation i was like in 2023 i am cracking down on crime committing to the bit #we r all using all my pronouns all the time and im serious abt it. and u have to be rlly good abt it bc ur my boyfriend #and he said ok i do not rlly understand but i will try my best #and i thought yeah this guy is not going to be able to get w the program. i think tho he is actually getting w the program pretty well #(he's asked me abt this several times in the past and i basically told him not to use my other pronouns) #(bc i didnt fully know what i wanted yet and if it was going to be confusing to him it would stress me out and not be worth it) #(and he said he would be able to get w the program and i didnt believe him but i think that was true) #anyway!

[lilgynt]

okayyyyyyyyyy got lost for 3 plus hours with half a tank of gas trying to find the closet rest stop to my work with shitty directions printed at the libaryyyyy staying with a friend tonight and then probably heading home to be talked into moving back tomorrow but aha i am the devil 

#dont reblog im on a computer and cant figure this shit out #personal #assuming of course i didnt burn that bridge today #so my brother texted me asking like hey mom wants you to print this for her #and i was like you understand she kicked me out right. does she understand that #blow up on him and reveal how i feel like no one in the family actually loves me and while im not gonna do anything i wish i was never born #bc every aspect of life is so horrible and just keeps getting worse #dramatic but also look at my personal tag thats true. thats documented proof for like 10 years worth of data #i mean def better in some way worse in others despite it being one of the worst times of my life also doesnt feel that bad #my friend im staying with is telling to stay flat out #and like going into it and my other friends are enouchaging me to do so too but hehe imma victimize myself #unless of course theyre all done with me #but anyway go there dont print it bc internet is down and my mom is home and starts swinging verbally #even tho i said dont tell dad or the lady living with us but whatever. anyway so im like hey. no on forced you to kick me out thats on you #and shes like i said you can stay and im like after kicking me out #no one forced you to do any of this and gave her the phone and shes like keep it and iim like no you just asked for it #not to me but she was telling my brother she was gonna cut the line so i told her im returning it and she didnt correct me #anyway so i go to my room to grab some stuff and she follows me and is like you at least have to listen to me you owe me that much #im like i dont you owe you anything actually but god i feel awful #she blocked the door so i wouldnt leave and i was so angry i shoved her out of the way and she looked so genuinely shocked and ill be honest #ill be drinking tonight about that specifically #i ran out of there like a coward all angry with her yelling at me to listen #ii ended up coming back twice bc i left mail and two needed to contact my friend so i could stay over and dang she dont answer random s #just barely missed her but saw that she said lets talk when i get home and my brother begging me for a way to contact me bc hes worried #weeeeeeeeee this all over me calling out with hours

[shoekinn]

talking in the tags 💯

#i dont know where im going to go from here ough #i dont want to be a burden to basically everyone i know but like. if i do commit they're all going to mourn over me and i dont want that to #happen. it's really hard for me to do anything anymore? that's how it feels like anyway lol #it's hard to keep my streak going nowadays. im almost 2 months clean after my relapse and im only keeping the streak for my parents' sake #it's so hard to not. punish myself #i don't want people to worry about me or anything. i'm not worth worrying about lol #I'm not sure if i want to die or anything but if there is a choice i'd rather choose to never exist in the first place #maybe i'm just tired #i'm fine bee tee double yoo there's like. no reason for anyone to worry about me #but ive been having thoughts about this since a few days ago. nothing new tho #i'd talk about this to my parents but they'll just tell me to pray more LOL. maybe that's what im missing. maybe they're right #eugh whatever. I'll be fine for now #dreytalks #// sh ment #// suicide mention

[papika]

it is honestly kind of funny how many Brain Things i can point to throughout my childhood and teenage years which i thought were just fairly normal brain things to experience, which i can now look back on and go "oh. that Wasn't normal, and that Was probably the ocd."

#still don't yet have that diagnosis because i keep forgetting to make an appointment with a psychiatrist or therapist or anything. f. #sometimes i get excessively worried i don't actually have ocd and then i remember that this is literally a trait of ocd and i'm like. #'wait. right. nvm.' #which is. KIND OF FUNNY. #but very genuinely it turns out that telling myself 'x thing doesn't matter. it's fine.' helps 2 stop so many different types of spirals. #or 'x thing is literally a symptom. not worth worrying about.' #or 'x thing is Literally Just A Thought. it is not hurting anyone because it is only in ur brain. ur not affecting anyone else. it's Fine.' #ANYWAY. THIS IS JUST ME. DON'T TAKE THIS AS ADVICE OR ANYTHING. #THIS IS JUST WHAT I'VE FOUND WORKS. #vi.txt

[voxxian]

urfgghh

#struggling not to drop off the face of the planet and web again lol #im. rly struggling #but i promised myself i wouldn't #its literally a disservice to myself and my friends and i just cant #ive done that literally enough #isolation is bad for me i have to keep telling myself this lol #even if i do fucking crave it at times its only because shit gets overwhelming thats all #when i get overwhelmed i shut down and hide #idk how else to deal #but im rly. trying not to #ohhh my god its so hard not to 100% shut down #i get in a bad mental space and pick at my brain and it just gets bad lol #then years worth of problems come up #then im focusing on shit that didn't even set me off in the first place #then everything is a problem all at once and i feel like me and my life is a mess #and then every waking minute of having my phone around is frustrating and i just want to toss it #oof #anyway i ripped half my nail off from when i umm. accidentally? cut myself a month ago #and yeah that just put me over the edge cuz i was already fucking struggling #i feel caged and trapped thats like half my problem #and like useless and um #i rly feel unaccomplished in literally anything and a waste of space #smhhhhhhhhhhh #im not gonna disappear i gotta tell myself that over and over #little steps lol #if i disappear ill like get into that 'off myself' state and i rly dont need to drop that low again even tho i kinda already have #i need distractions #i should probably go do something productive like shower and eat #voxxrambles #txt

[senxitive]

I was walking with The One the other day as we were having our talk, and he always does this thing where he starts narrating for me and its kind of like in Golden Girls when Blanch slip into a trance and starts babbling about her ~sexy~ experiences and the girls have to stop her or she'll go on forever into a spiral of delirium.

And anyways, so he's over there narrating a conversation we aren't having and I hand gestured a mouth closing and said SHHHH to him.

He had to stop walking because he was laughing.

Why is this important?

Because if this had been my ex partner, they would have been OFFENDED. They would have been hurt. They would have taken it to heart.

And the difference is so astounding to me. I didn't think twice about doing it to Him, but I would have had to witthold or never would have even thought about doing it towards my Ex. I always had to withhold so much of my authentic self because it always offended him.

It's both confirming in the sense that my ex partner really wasn't for me, nor me for him, and it's all coming to light so much more now. As well as confirming the feeling of being robbed of what could be one of the most compatible relationships I would have had the pleasure of experiencing. We truly are kindred spirits. And it just fucking sucks.

#personal #delete later #yes im going to keep whining about it #5 months later lol #to be fair i think i spent the first 3 months in denial #it was this sense of we HAVE to end up together how couldnt we! we were made for each other!!! #whilst still separating myself from our very good memories #and then it kicked into reality somewhere around 4 months like oh...yeah...we really are never going to get to be together #now ive accepted it mostly but i still get my hopes up and i still get so angry that something so fantastic could be presented to me and #be just a fucking joke #it was kind of sad he told me when he was trying to find reasons that we shouldnt be together one of them was that he will die before me #he was talking about how genetically he's not healthy...and i knoe this and it scares me and makes me want to take over his life and make #him take care of himself...but anyways he was just saying like he'd probably die in the next 15 years or something #and i just feel sad #that he feels that way and that it is a real possibility #im thankful i managed to somehow tell him it didnt matter because it would have been worth the time i got to spend with him #and i didnt mean in a bargaining way. i just wanted him to know. because i wish he understood the value he holds and that he is important #aightttt ive gone off on a tangent again

[caruliaa]

. like having to leave and cut out people whove caused you so much pain and hurt and trauma is difficult enough even though it feels like it shouldnt be but just. having to also lose people who are important to you and that you deeply care about bc ur put in this position where you cant have them in your life if youve cut those hurting you out is just. idk its just so fucking difficult.

#idk. whatever. this is why i want to talk with my support teachers about talking to my parents about me moving out #bc obvs its not ideal id still have to have them in my life and their control to a degree. but it would mean i might be able to #one day cut them off without loosing my siblings and cousin. idk its unlikely theyll listen but its worth a chance #it just hurts. bc i really care about them and they mean a lot to me and im probably going to have to chose between having to stay #with people whove caused me so much pain and trauma and keep doing so and loosing people i care about so much and just. #idk its hurts and im scared and im fucking angry. im so angry with my parents for treating me the way they do and treating my siblings #the way they do (even if its not to the same degree as with me) and for putting me and them in this situation #where i might have to cut them off like this. my sisters only eight oh my god. idk its just unbearable #its a grusome way at looking at it but i keep telling myself if i never get away from this ill end up killing myself #and then theyll lose me anyway along with everyone else i care about losing me . but that doesnt mean im ready to lose them #idk. whatever #suicide ment #vent #flappy rambles

[piplupod]

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#man i was rly hoping this stuff would fix my brain #im trying really hard to just be grateful that i got three days off from feeling constantly suicidal but. it is back to normal now again #and I am just. i was so hopeful! i let myself get my hopes up about it! i thought maybe i would be okay! #im also trying not to be dramatic but do u know how difficult it is to be suicidal 24/7 for several months. and then it lifts for 3 days. #and then u get tossed right back into it? #its uhhhhhhh soul crushing lmao :'] #i am just trying to not think about how im supposed to be alive and just focus on whatever task i have in front of me in the moment #i just keep telling myself that i can kill myself tomorrow. i can kill myself tomorrow. just need to get thru today hour by hour #and hopefully one day at least I'll have distanced myself away from ppl enough that it wont fuck up other ppl if i off myself fhfkdl #or maybe things will work out! extremely unlikely though unfortunately if i look at things from a realistic standpoint #just like. how everything is set up in today's world. i would have to be a fucking charity case and i dont have it in me to be that #im not a good cause to donate to to keep afloat fhdksl i contribute very little to things and itd be best if i politely exited- #-and distributed my assets (savings and belongings etc) back into the world to ppl who do more than me for others fhfkld #unfortunately i am simply not a good enough person for ppl to care for i think fjdkdl i cant do enough to make it worth everyones time #so. anyways. I'll stop talking now sorry fhfkdl I'll be fine for a while longer so no need to worry tbh fhdkl #suicide tw #suicide mention #delete later