#at least I have all this horrible spite to get me through the references section | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

autumnblogs · 3 years

Text

Day 3: Vendetta against Bro

Welcome back to more Homestuck Liveblogging. Picking up with Nannasprite as she prepares to give John the Dirt.

https://homestuck.com/story/421

Sburb’s opening move is to take John’s Dad away from him. If @mmmmalo‘s theory about psychological storytelling is to be believed, Sburb provokes fear and then manifests it in the form of a character’s antagonists. If you wonder why I bring them up so much, it’s probably because I’ve been reading their blog lately. I am almost always game for more Homestuck theorization, and would love to be able to reference more people and engage with their thoughts in my theoryposts and liveblogging, so if you know somebody with good takes, please pass them along my way.

The Incipisphere, like John’s name, was invoked into existence by player/character action, but paradoxically, has always been that way. By engaging with Sburb, John authenticates its retroactive existence, like a mailman taking a signature of receipt for a package.

When we engage with the fixtures of our cultures and material realities, we too, authenticate them. This can be good or bad - when we communicate with each other, recognize each other, we authenticate each other too. Observing and being observed is a mutual act of validation for everyone involved. I see you seeing me seeing you.

I’m full of horseshit again. Read some more horseshit after the break.

Content Warning for this one: Pedophilia Mentions.

https://homestuck.com/story/422

There’s a lot to unpack in this sequence of pages, and I’m almost certainly going to miss a lot of it, but I’ll come back to stuff that I miss as it comes back up in later pages.

As a Crucible of Unlimited Potential, Skaia can become absolutely anything, and the shape that it will take on will be influenced by the actions of the players. But it isn’t anything yet.

This is the second time in two pages that Nanna has brought up the light-darkness dichotomy of the forces at play in the Medium, and after just talking about the act of mutual authentication through mutual observation, my brain is screaming the words Hegelian Lens at me. Might go somewhere with that too.

I also wanna call attention to the name of the Medium. As a story about stories, it only makes sense that the name of Homestuck’s main otherworld should evoke the field used to propagate mass communication.

https://homestuck.com/story/423

I’ve always thought that it’s interesting that of the two forces in the Medium, the players have natural allies in the form of Prospit. The choice here is not to act on behalf of one or the other, the choice is between Action and Inaction. Not doing something is itself, doing something.

https://homestuck.com/story/427

You Can (Not) Redo.

Sburb relentlessly drives its players forward. If you attempt to go back, or stay where you are, you will be punished. No getting your parents back, no getting your planet back.

What’ll it be John? Advance or Advance?

https://homestuck.com/story/431

John is extremely resistant to being made to do things that he doesn’t want to do anyway, even by Narrators.

More thoughts about Cake and Baked Goods in Homestuck and in relation to John. The other main characters baking is associated with in Homestuck are all women - The Condesce, Meenah, Jane, Nanna - and baking in general is pretty strongly associated with women, moms, etc. I’ve always thought it was a little out of place amongst Dad’s other character traits, which are definitively masculine. Maybe it’s for exactly that reason - baking is culturally feminine.

Maybe John’s resistance to baked goods is because he’s uncomfortable receiving feminine affection (especially, but not only from his Dad). It’s like getting kisses from your Mom in public or other public displays of affection between men and the women in their lives, or even men and other men in their lives. John is certainly pretty clueless about affection from women when he receives it later in the story. On the other hand, he responds very well to masculine displays of affection, like the aloof but ebullient cards he gets from his Dad, or the one-upsmanship between him and Dave.

(I’ll have to think some more about the capitalism thing from my other post.)

https://homestuck.com/story/433

More of Rose seeing enemies in every shadow. Then again, could it be Jasper’s fault that they’re in this mess?

https://homestuck.com/story/442

I think the fact that we jump to this point in the past suggests that Rose is probably reminiscing about this spot, going along with my theory that when the Narration is focusing on a character, it’s also giving us that character’s stream of consciousness - we’re experience what Rose is experiencing.

That probably goes a long way to excusing the kind of puzzling, irritating experience we have of our first minutes with John. Due to his tendency to get distracted by things and forget how things work, we have to suffer through his own inability to navigate his disorderly environment exactly the same way he does.

Oh, so that’s why this story gets compared to Ulysses.

It is Jaspers’ fault that they’re in this mess. My hypothesis gathers more data.

https://homestuck.com/story/444

The third of the prose poems. Drat. Got to Dave’s Poem before I even had the chance to write about Rose’s Poem. Guess we’ll come back to this one later later.

https://homestuck.com/story/445

I’ve almost certainly missed a few of these gags by now but “Left him hanging long enough” is one of the jokes that Homestuck reproduces over and over again. Homestuck reproduces itself frequently, like variations on a theme. Its self-referential nature could be called incestuous, as it turns one-off gags into recurring gags.

https://homestuck.com/story/448

While Bro and Dirk are both definitely irony ninjas where Dave is just performing irony to get his Bro’s approval, I think all the irony is an effort to distance themselves from the fact that they really do sincerely enjoy the things they’re “ironically” into. That too, is probably ironic.

Unfortunately, the actual subject matter of Bro’s interests, while innocuous in a vacuum, are still extremely inappropriate to leave out where a thirteen year old can have access to them. Bro probably isn’t a pedophile, but between the martial education, and the uncomfortable degree to which he involves Dave in his sex life, his relationship with Dave recalls pederasty which is one of many, many links between Dirk, Bro, and the Classical Hellenes, and Monastic Shudo, a similar practice historically attested from their beloved Japan. (The term Platonic Relationship is called that because Plato is one of the first Greek Philosophers to argue that maybe it would be better for students’ education if they weren’t also sexually involved with their mentors? Or so the story goes.)

I may have a bit of a vendetta against Bro Strider, which probably has at least a little to do with the fact that, when I first read Homestuck, I got fooled into thinking he was kind of awesome, and it wasn’t until I was able to deal with my own childhood abuse and the fact that I had been indoctrinated with a lot of the very same toxic ideas bro inculcated in Dave that I was able to realize that Bro Strider is kind of a horrible guardian, so I have a sort of special ire directed at this character. Maybe I’m afraid in another life, I could have grown up to be that kind of creep. I’m glad I didn’t.

https://homestuck.com/story/449

All throughout this section, the narration suggests that Dave is both subconsciously aware that his Bro’s pasttimes make him uncomfortable, but trying to soothe himself by affirming them. So, in spite of my sharing some youthful confusion with Dave, the Narrative at least communicates to us from the very beginning that something is off about Bro.

https://homestuck.com/story/452

To interrupt my dark and brooding reverie, please enjoy some Skate 3 Glitches.

I guess here’s a good place to note that I am going to be using the #personal stuff hashtag to denote when a post contains me alluding to my own dark and troubled past.

https://homestuck.com/story/457

The password is six letters long, and based on the fact that it’s the most awesome thing that it could be, I have no doubt that it’s Strider.

https://homestuck.com/story/465

Yup.

https://homestuck.com/story/466

It warms the cockles of me heart that Dave’s first inclination when he starts to flip the fuck out is to reach out to John Egbert.

https://homestuck.com/story/484

8^y

https://homestuck.com/story/485

Remember that one-upsmanship I was talking about? Any chance Dave and John get around each other, they talk each other down. I’m not sure if Andrew was saying anything about Toxic Masculinity at the time. I expect, like a lot of us, he didn’t have those words on his mind in 2009, but that’s textbook toxic masculinity, and I think when viewed as a complete work, Dave and John’s growth out of it is a sign of healthy maturation. Build each other up, boys, don’t tear each other down. In this life, we’re all we’ve got, and you owe it to each other.

https://homestuck.com/story/503

Leveling up is one of those weird things about Roleplaying Games that I didn’t realize until some point in the last two years is kind of an integral fixture of them. Overcoming hardships permanently makes you stronger in games that have an experience-level feature in them, and once you’re strong enough to beat a challenge once, you’re almost always strong enough to overcome that challenge in the future.

It’s a kind of storytelling that on closer examination is weirdly propagandistic, but it’s actually all over media. It’s pretty rare for a story to say “When you overcome a challenge, good job. You will have to overcome that same challenge again and again - maybe every day of your life.” The interesting thing, and I might come back to this, is that I think Homestuck actually takes this latter approach. Exactly the same emotional struggles they begin the story with are the ones they spend all 8000 pages of Homestuck agonizing over, and these characters will probably spend their entire lives wrestling with the baggage of their youth.

Suffering and toil is the fate of humankind, I suppose.

https://homestuck.com/story/518

Surrounded by Idiots.

https://homestuck.com/story/538

Saw is a story about a serial killer who subjects his victims to gruelling trials catered to make them face their own fatal flaws and emerge changed into better people, which is a lot like authorial scorn, which Andrew describes thusly in the commentary for Vriska’s introduction: “It's not as ill-willed as it might sound, but more of a universal principle of storytelling that for things to be interesting, harsh outcomes must befall those you create, in response to which they may thrive or fail. Which to the casual observer may read as hate.“. Lord English and Caliborn bear visual similarity to Jigsaw’s creepy puppet avatars, and serve as instruments of Andrew’s Authorial Scorn. Bro reproduces the same kind of creator’s hatred that Lord English bears toward all of Paradox Space, and reproduces it for the dubious benefit of his ward - Dave is to overcome the challenges thrust upon him in order to become strong.

https://homestuck.com/story/571

Dave does not care for being watched.

https://homestuck.com/story/588

If Dave’s first instinct for when he’s uncomfortable is to go talk to his friends, his second instinct is to attack.

https://homestuck.com/story/625

I don’t remember where I read it originally, it’s too far away in the past, but each of the items in the Rocket Pack is representative of one of John’s friends. The Cinderblock Dave, the Flower Pot Jade, the Violin Rose. John’s friends, his connections and bonds (Blood) tie him down and prevent him from indulging his most impulsive behaviors (Breath).

https://homestuck.com/story/631

In addition to Mad Science (or perhaps as an aspect thereof) John demonstrates remarkable lateral thinking.

https://homestuck.com/story/635

Alchemy has helped me get my thoughts in gear on a subject I glossed over the other day - the way the characters’ personality traits and objects fill the background radiation of the comic. In a way, the same thing is going on when the characters produce all kinds of neat shit from the odds and ends around their house as is going on when Sburb populates itself with symbols from the characters domestic lives.

Clowns become a threatening symbol throughout all of Homestuck, basically because there are a bunch in John’s house from a Doylist perspective. From a Watsonian perspective, Sburb seems, through the vehicle of destiny, to deliberately latch onto things from the players’ lives that will help them to contend with their anxiety and trauma. John has bad dreams about clowns, and seems to conceptualize himself as a clown in his self-critical estimation of himself. Maybe even as a Dark Mirror of his aspirations to be an entertainer? Is a Circus Clown a funhouse mirror version of a stage magician? I don’t have a follow up to that question, but it makes me think. If you checked out the essay from Malo I linked earlier, you might recognize some other things that John is afraid of which characterize his session, like his alleged fear of heights, and his anxiety about confronting his Dad.

I think that’s all for this evening. Another 200 pages down.

Cam signing off, alive and not alone.

#homestuck #liveblogging #commentary #authentication #validation #irony #personal stuff #authorial scorn

12 notes · View notes

theorynexus · 4 years

Text

68 will be my second post, this morning. I wonder if it will start section 8 of the Meat Epilogue.

Oh darn it. I forgot to make a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy/Meaning of Life reference on Meat 42. At least we’re back to a 43, and things might therefore be luckier. Maybe. (I am very silly when it comes to superstitions regarding numbers, sometimes, even though I don’t really believe them.)

MY TIMING SENSES WERE TINGLING!!!

Hmm. Well, strategy meetings and investigations are important. (Also: I am again reminded of the dreadful likelihood that Terezi went with Dirk, which continues to be a disturbing thought.)

Hmm. For some reason, I have the impression that he does indeed have a vague idea where he’s going, but he may not actually know where/how to find it, yet. That seems pretty likely. Thus, Roxy would be partially correct. (On that note: Interesting that Jake didn’t actually come with. I thought for sure he’d have snuck aboard at the last moment, or something, as a stow-away.)

Eh, I’d say it goes a little beyond “prove a point,” but it’s also probably incomprehensible to you, right now. I guess we’ll all have to be patient before we can more thoroughly sort through his insanity in that regard. As for Jane... I don’t know. It might be more trouble than it’s worth to contact her. The fact that Dirk has her as a seemingly important part of his plans suggest that it could essentially be springing a trap on yourself. I wonder how she’ll react to finding out that Dirk’s been mind controlling people and that that probably invalidates the actual results of her election, in the sense that it dramatically undermined the democratic process. (That is a really complicated issue that is somewhat entangled with real life politics, though, so I don’t want to get into a deep and proper discussion of what determines electoral legitimacy on a philosophical or political level here.)

It is a very interesting choice on Alt!Calliope’s call to focus on incestuous questions and Dave being awkward, rather than to follow tat important call.

Dirk is so twisted at this point that I’d almost not put it past him, but at the same time, why, Dave, do you have to assume that the motivations are sexual in nature? (I mean, honestly, it could be the fact that Dirk was trying to force him to have sex with Karkat that gave him the impression that Dirk was [and he is, but maybe not to that extent] way too carnally-minded and motivated.) Honestly, Dirk’s head is way too concerned with philosophical matters, and if anything he’s probably going to make a clone of himself to have sex with or something stupid like that, if he REALLY has to engage in some sort of tension-releasing copulation that isn’t masturbatory in the way that having sex with someone you’ve brainwashed and twisted into being your personal object of amusement is. Therefore, I juuust can’t quite see Dirk having sex with Rose/her new robot body. (Gosh, I hate that I feel compelled to address this.)

I honestly quite agree with Karkat, and now understand a little bit more about why our focus strayed where it did--- though it would have been nice to receive some sort of narration to indicate that. And yes, it’s sad that Kanaya’s being put on hold, I guess. A little bit. (Not really. I understand politicians in places of power can get quite busy, and it may not even be Jane’s decision to have her on hold... though if it is, I can most certainly affirm that that is quite rude.)

I mean... to be fair, Karkat, it’s rooted in biology. Humans not having a Mother Grub means that the don’t have a natural means to reduce the genetic load that would be caused by related populations interbreeding and therefore dangerously duplicating genes. Thus, it is not actually arbitrary, which I am sure you would know if you had spent a bit more time acting like the “geneticist” your troll handle suggests you happen to be (yes, I know it means to refer to his ectobiological frog wrangling/recombination; even so, the point stands).

I take it that Karkat’s dejection about the election has kept him a bit preoccupied and out of the loop, lately.

This is horrible (Karkat’s part, I mean). Roxy’s new new outfit sounds like something I would be very interested in seeing fan art of. A pink-looking slightly more effeminate Dave look sounds aesthetically striking (and I’m not even a fan of pink). But yeah, good on her for not giving up in frustration for people confusing them, I guess. ***shrug***

And we return to this awkward and slightly funny subject. Considering it was not resolved last time, I guess that’s reasonable. (Some day, maybe I’ll write a post analyzing Roxy’s trans-iness and/or how they/he seems to have been affected by those around he/them in his/their path to figuring it all out. This sort of issue is always a bit difficult to properly tackle without raising some people’s hackles, so to speak, though, so I am not sure if I’ll end up doing it. Regardless, it’ll have to be quite some time in the future, should I do so, after I’m at least done reading both sides of the epilogues. I’m sure Roxy’s interactions with John will have some important light to shed on the matter.) It’s sortof nice that Dave and Roxy can joke about this without it becoming too uncomfortable (apparently) for either of them.

... Is revealing this something they’ve discussed before now? I mean, doing this in front of friends and family could be sortof... bad for things between them, if Karkat’s still trying to figure out how he feels about it and whether he wants to press on vs throttle back? I mean, just calling each other boyfriends is not something either of them were comfortable with, and just because Dave is now doesn’t mean Karkat necessarily will be. I dunno. I feel conflicted on the matter, despite the fact that it is on the border of being cute.

Yeah, see, this is what I meant: Awwwwkwaaard.

Yeah, it definitely did serve as a good distraction, at the very least. ~~~ Jane either not knowing or not being willing to tell (we’ll have to wait for a perspective shift to her to be certain) is no surprise.

Gah. FINALLY. If Roxy weren’t such a Void-y ball of fun, everyone would have known this for some time, by now. (Also: This is another reason why I am quite certain that Dirk was responsible for at least the way that John died. He didn’t want him to be a threat to him. [I wonder, though: will Candy John potentially pose that problem, in the future, given the fact that he will likely be able to traverse the two different timelines, should he become aware of them? Heck, this could be the reason why one had to die in the first place. Or one reason.])

This is what you get when you A S S U M E. Also, Terezi would really be useful due to her Seer powers in particular.

Well. That is a useful compromise. Good on you for finally figuring something out to bridge the gap between your morals and Dirk’s amorality. (Also, that presents interesting potential conflict in the future, insofar as there might be a point where Calliope has to decide whether to allow them to take Jade with or not.)

Has little Timmy fallen down a well? O: <

This is funny because it’s like that one time where Jade was sleeping and Dave couldn’t get in touch with her. That time his weird fursona came up. Tightest butt in the jungle, or some stupid nonsense like that.

Dave is smarter than Dirk would give him credit for, calling him the dumbest of the Stralondes, by the way.

Not only do they need one of his ships, but it is quite reasonable to assume that they might be able to entice him to follow with them to where Dirk is going. This is a potentially dangerous gambit, like bringing Gamzee along anywhere, but I think it could pay off in the end. I think that, as I suggested earlier, Jake’s probably going to be the one to end up killing Dirk, in spite of all the underestimation that and horrific invective that had been directed his way. In all honesty, this would really seem to be the direction that Jake’s been being pushed in all along, considering all the failed opportunities to interject him into a place of importance in the story.

Considering his level of devotion and love for Dirk, now, he very strongly reminds me of that one old clown story that AH wrote... the one where the clown was never able to pull himself away from the service of his abusive, evil master. I bring that up specifically to suggest that Jake WILL succeed, however. I believe that, counter to the example that I just cited, and contrary to all of the deterministic forces that Homestuck has seen in play, the power of Hope will be what is necessary to do the impossible. A Page has a long, pain-filled story arc, but when it finally blossoms into the great behemoth that its seed of potential suggested it was from the very beginning, amazing things can happen. A Page of Hope is perhaps one of the most potent Classpect-endowed figures that Paradox Space could conjure up. I have come now to see that this turn on Dirk’s part was probably planned from the beginning, as was the fact that Dirk’s abandonment of him was likely meant to be the catalyst for the eventual realization of Jake’s full potential. Obviously, this will not likely happen in the near future, much to our short-term misfortune. Dirk, if you ever see this, know your folly: Jake English is just the force you would need to break free of the shackles of the reality you live in--- if only you believed in the him that believes in you. Instead, your Rage will consume you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love this dramatic comedy.

Honestly... this is great. From a writing stand-point, this is excellent. The decision to have Dirk drag Terezi along brings more significant stakes to things and drama for the future, especially with the fact that we DO know that he can be brought back to life, now, despite Dirk’s statement to the contrary. Despite all of my pathos earlier, the way this story (the story of Homestuck) is ending is actually getting me excited and washing away the scars that came from the darkest hour of the path previous. I really like the mechanic of Dirk having reality warping powers and Alt!Calliope being able to counter them, but only in close proximity. With the speed of his ship being a factor, especially, this sets up for some really interesting potential action in the further development of the story, as well. That Hussie was able to so masterfully navigate these emotional waters and string me along to this point was brilliant too. In sum: WOW, GUYS, I’M PUMPED!!! ... But... while this would actually serve as an excellent, fully complete and enticing epilogue in and of itself, the fact remains... there is yet more. Not only in the Postscript, but in Candy. This throws many spanners into the works, and I honestly don’t know how to feel about all that! If this weren’t Andrew Hussie we were talking about, I would be incredibly afraid that what is to come would throw everything off and make the eventual follow-up in Homestuck^2 (which I know he’s at least directing, though he’s not quite as involved in the story as he was in Homestuck, apparently?!) potentially quite messy and of a much lesser quality than I might expect. Given this IS Andrew Hussie we are talking about, however, I actually am quite confident that eventually, it will work out splendidly, and raise his literary accomplishments to even greater heights. Though... I am filled with a bit of trepidation. That “eventually” will be so far in the future. ***laughs awkwardly*** ... Buuuuutttt there’s still more left, even on this page, so I had better get to that. ...

It is very interesting that she’s been enveloped in that blanket of space so thickly and constantly that she’s come to find it comforting. That said: How is it possible for her to withdraw and still let narration continue, supposedly without source or accountability, as she states? Is this meant to suggest that the passive forces of Paradox Space will naturally fill in the gap if there is no one manning the ship, so to speak? This feels a bit unlikely, considering the lack of content for years of the characters’ lives, and Dirk’s suggestion that “God had abandoned them,” or however the heck he put it. This is all veerrry curious, indeed. (I do like her commentary on narration. A lot.) ~~~ Woooooo!!!~ It’s really nice to finish this at-- Dangit, time, why do you have to keep ticking into the future?! Well, even though it’s not 3:14, anymore, it’s still very nice to finish the Meat Epilogue on 02/02/2020. :’)

12 notes · View notes

beautcous · 4 years

Text

Wedding Gathering // Khanna & Malhotra siblings

Tagged: @ofheavcnlysx

Involving: Veer Malhotra, Priya Khanna, Priya Khanna & Raj Malhotra

Veer smiled at the elder man who shook his hand, he’d been at this for about thirty minutes or so since he arrived at the venue. It was a family friend’s wedding and thus both his family and the Khanna’s were expected to attend. It appeared that like him, Raj as well as the Khanna sisters were all occupied mingling with family friends that one point he had lost them in the crowd. Eventually, he did find them once he parted ways with the man he’d been speaking to and made his way over to his brother and the two ladies who stood by him. “Unbelievable, our parents should be attending this but instead they sent us. Am I the only who doesn’t know about half the people here?” An annoyed look crossing Veer’s features because he had no desire to be here, after being here for a little over an hour he was ready to go home.

Being in a secret relationship with the man that her sister was promised to was hard for Priya. It wasn’t like she planned it, she and Raj simply got along. Yes, she knew that some people didn’t really care for his broody disposition, and yet it never bothered her at all. She didn’t know how she was going to tell Payal about all this however, she loved her sister and didn’t want her thinking that Priya did this out of spite, because that was not the case at all. Now, here they were, at a wedding, with her trying to act as if she wasn’t in love with Raj. Thank God she was chatty by nature or this whole charade would’ve been exposed by now. Minutes later, Veer joined them, his comment earning him a light chuckle. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to.” She said to him in return, her dark hues shifted about the room for a moment before it landed on him once more. “Yup, no clue who half these people are either.”

Payal sighed softly as once more when she'd been speaking to Raj and he had turned his attention away from her. Really, it should not have stung anymore she had grown used to competing for his attention when he did chose to give it, which was scarce to begin with. She worked with the man everyday for god's sake, and even then the amount of times they spoke was so brief that Payal she was imagine the few words they did exchange. So, she turned her attention to Veer, unlike her intended, actually quite enjoying speaking to Payal. "Don't you know our parents by now?" She raised a brow at Veer, and glancing Priya as well. "This why they have kids, they want us to do their dirty work." She was jesting of course but days like these it felt like they had agenda of some sort. "Well, at least the food is good. I'm sure we sneak away early no one will care." She murmured, giving one sweep across the venue before turning back to her companions.

Sometimes, Raj hated being put in the same room as Priya and Payal. Actually, he hated the situation he was in right now, being in love with the younger sister of the woman he was supposed to marry was not what he envisioned for himself. It wasn’t his intention for this to happen, Payal was a good woman after all, and he felt like a monster for treating her so badly at times. He couldn’t bring himself to stop however, hoping that if he pushed her away hard enough, then maybe she would hate him and he would be free to continue his relationship with Priya despite knowing that he would still have to marry Payal someday. Being quiet by nature did have its advantages, no one expected him to say much, especially now when he was bored out of his mind and trying not to stare at Priya. “No use in grumbling. We’re already here, might as well get comfortable.” He said to the group with his brows pinched together.

Veer let out a chuckle at Priya's comment, but it was fitting they knew a few familiar faces but this was sort of an event that their parents should have attended rather than the children. He was about to speak when Payal and Raj had also inserted their thoughts and unlike him the other two seemed to be taking their situation with much more grace than he was. His eyes flickered between the three, and while they all seemed fine somehow Veer got a strange sense from all three. "The food did look good..." He told Payal before turning his gaze to Raj who as usual looked as grumpy as he always did. "Says the guy who walks around with a sour disposition. But she's right, I don’t think we have to stay very long..." He then turned to Priya, "Did you get a chance to speak to Mr. Roy?" Referring to the man they had discussed at their meeting last week, the man seemed to be so charmed by Priya, Veer thought if anyone could persuade him it would her.

Priya had to force herself not to smile when Raj finally made a comment. He sounded like his usual self, always so grumpy, and yet, when he was alone with her, he wasn't that way at all. Raj was kind and that kindness might be the reason why she fell for him in the first place. She still felt bad about falling for him however. Payal would someday be marrying Raj, which left her heart a little broken. How she wished that it was she who was his intended, and not Payal. But there was no use for her to cry about it now when she knew what she was getting into. “Is it too late to be adopted out now?” She questioned her sister, her hues sparkling as the words left her. Then she hooked an arm around Payal’s and leaned in to say, “That’s why I’m here, for the food alone.” Deciding to ignore Raj--so they could keep up their pretenses, her attention went to Veer, where she then shook her head, “Not yet. Do I have to right now? He kind of creep me out.” The last part was spoken in a hushed tone, her brows scrunching together and she’d moved a little closer to Payal, as if her sister could shield her from the horrible man.

Despite her best efforts, Payal’s eyes still glanced over at Raj every so often who had his gaze anywhere but on her. She supposed it was not so surprising considering the man only ever spoke to her when it was required which meant mostly at work. There were many times when Payal would attempt to start a conversation with him, things she had observed he liked speaking about but to no avail. Is this how their marriage would be as well? The very thought was enough to instill concerns in her mind about their entire engagement. She was bought of her reverie by Priya, Payal’s gaze softening when she looked to her younger sister. His dark brown eyes gleaming a bit at her remark, “you know our mother, she’d hunt us down.” She murmured with a soft chuckle, as Priya took a hold of her arm, “When no one is looking, we’ll sneak some home with us.” She joked back with her sister, the two sisters were perhaps the biggest foodies to every roam the earth. Her sister's next words, caused Payal to tense up her eyes flickering with concern to Priya and she shot Veer an annoyed look as she wrapped an around Priya, “And you’re not going anymore either, isn’t that right Veer?” Glaring at the elder Malhotra brother.

When Veer’s comment reached his ears, he shook his head at his brother and returned his gaze unto the crowd. He had to do it or risk getting caught staring at Priya. It made him sick; this knowledge that he loved her and yet knew that he couldn’t truly have her. He shouldn’t have started this; pursued a relationship with the bubbly brunette. In the same note, how could he not? She was the epitome of kindness and her personality was infectious. Priya had been able to crack him out of his shell, something that no one else had ever managed to do. For that reason alone, he would always be grateful to have been given the chance to love her. He wasn’t being fair to Payal though, Raj wasn’t blind, he could tell that his intended held strong feelings for him maybe if he wasn’t so stuck on Priya, he might actually develop feelings of his own, but that was too late now that he was in love with the younger Khanna sister. A sigh left him before his attention veered back to the trio and a frown immediately set upon his features upon seeing Priya hiding behind Payal. What was that about? He wondered. “I think it’s time we leave.” He said instead, not wanting to make it seem like he was acting too concerned over Priya’s wellbeing. “We’ve made our presence known, there’s nothing left for us to do.”

A frown graced Veer’s face as Priya’s words of Roy giving her the creeps registered his mind. Truthfully, he had seen the other man flirt with Priya and always seemed to fond of her, but it annoyed him that he hadn’t caught onto the fact that he might have been making the brunette uncomfortable. In fact, he felt guilt for not being able to sense Priya’s discomfort when Roy was around. So, it was safe to say when her elder sister, Payal, glared at Veer and then subtly chided him, he had the decency to look a little bit guilty. He nodded to Payal before turning his gaze to Priya who was hiding behind his elder sister, whose arm was securely wrapped around her younger sister. Anger did flash through him briefly towards a man whom he considered decent. He then turned his gaze to the younger Khanna sister, “Why didn’t you tell me so before?” His voice was gentle of course but he shook his head, “You’re sister’s right, you won’t be speaking to him again. I’ll speak to him and give him a piece of my mind while I’m at it.” Veer looked over his brother and he couldn’t help but note how distracted Raj looked that he had missed the entire conversation. But Veer nodded, “He’s right, we showed our faces, that should be good enough. But, Raj, the girls want to eat first, let’s join them and then we’ll head out.” As they made their way towards the food section, Veer’s eyes sought out hoping to find Meera but he wasn’t even sure she’d attended this function. He had thought about texting his childhood friend and invited her as his plus one but he couldn’t muster up the courage to do so.

If anyone would defend Priya, it would be Payal which was why she felt even guiltier for having to deceive her sister. She didn’t know how much longer she was going to be able to keep up this charade. As much as she loved Raj, she couldn’t hide them forever, and what happens when the two tie the knot? She wasn’t going to sit here and pretend as if she didn’t matter; she deserved to be loved and to be with someone who she could show her affection to freely. No matter how much she wished for the man to be Raj, the truth was, they were doomed from the beginning. She continued to hide behind her sister, her hues sad, hoping that Veer would give her a break and not force her to interact with the creepy man. At least she had Payal on her side on this; her older sister would always have her back and she couldn’t be more grateful to have her in her life. “I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers…” She answered Veer quietly; he looked rather angry, something that she’d never seen in him. It was enough to send alarm bells ringing; for her not to mess with him, not that she would. Once the matter was settled, she fluttered her lashes and turned to Priya, “Can we eat before we leave or do you still want to sneak some home with us?” Her dark eyes were filled with mischief as she posed the question at her sister. “I think we should try the latter.”

Once more she could see that Raj’s attention was not anywhere nearing the remaining trio and this wasn’t the fist time she’d noticed him so aloof. There were countless occasions where when the four them were together and his mind would be diverted and where it ventured too, something she wish she knew. But then it again, when it came to Raj she wished for a lot of things that she was beginning to sense would never be fulfilled. A part of Payal wanted to attempt to keep her distance from him, she wished she didn’t notice him or want him. More importantly, she wished she could know what went on Raj’s mind in regards to her. Annoyed at herself for letting her thoughts wander over to the obvious man, she focused back on Priya, catching Veer’s agreement that the creep would not be anywhere near her sister. Satisfied at the sincere look on Veer’s face, she turned back to her baby sister who still huddled near Payal. A smile came to Payal’s face, her sister always appeared to fix her mood no matter what her troubles were. “Don’t be ridiculous, no business deal is important over you.” She told her firmly, before shaking her head, “Oh, no we can do both. we are most definitely eating here and then taking some. No one will notice, well give the extra to the boys, they eat alot anyway so no one will raise eyesbrows.” Throwing an amused look to Raj who had finally turned back to the group and then to Veer.

Raj knew that he shouldn’t notice, nor should he react but hearing how scared Priya sounded made him want to go over to this Roy person and rip his head off. He wasn’t one to resort to anger however, but it didn’t mean that he wouldn’t protect the ones he loved. Although at this point, he knew he had no right to react which was why he was grateful for Payal for protecting her sister. It made him respect her even more. All this time, he didn’t see how fiercely loyal she was towards Priya and how she would step in to protect her if needs be, he simply found her annoying because he hated the fact that he was obligated to marry her. It wasn’t her fault though; this whole arranged marriage was orchestrated by their families and it wasn’t fair of him to resent his intended over something that she had no control over. Another sigh left him and he peered back at his older brother, nodding his head at the other. “Let them eat then.” His gaze found Payal’s for a moment; then something unexpected happened, he actually noticed how beautiful she was. The best words he could use to describe her was; she was effulgent. Her remark forced him to look away; chiding himself for noticing his intended when he was in love with Priya. He cleared his throat loudly afterwards and once again, his gaze went back to the crowd, hoping that his efforts would allow him to forget the weird event that just transpired.

Veer opened his mouth to respond to Priya’s comment of not wanting to stir up anything when Payal beat him to it. Quickly assuring her younger sister that nothing to precedence over her safety and Veer agreed. Normally, he was a lot more perceptive how that slipped past him he didn’t know but he’d take care of Roy on his own. He had no interest in working with someone who went around harassing women. “Next time something like this happens, I want you to tell me immediately.” Veer told Priya gently but still firmly the same, she was his family In some way too as Payal was, both of their safety immediately being his concern. His gaze then moved to Raj who still looked a bit distracted but once he turned back to the others. A chuckle left Veer’s lips at Payal’s comment, “Easy there, you both want to sneak the food you can hold it yourselves.” he countered with a short grin. Raj conceded too at their request, and Veer steered them all towards the food section, walking with the two women. But he stepped right beside his younger brother, “You’re more distracted than usual, everything okay?” Concern on his features as he looked towards Raj.

The more Payal stood up for Priya, the guiltier she felt. There were times when she wished she was unfeeling and cold; where she didn’t care about anyone’s feelings but hers alone. How unfortunate was it that she could never do that? That above all else, her sister would always come first and this relationship that she’d been trying to keep a secret, it was bound to come to an end. She couldn't live like this anymore; she wasn’t going to be kept as a dirty little secret, she deserved better. Most importantly, she wanted her sister to be happy and she would never have happiness as long as Priya was in the way. The only hurdle now was breaking hers and Raj’s heart in order to achieve that goal. As always however, despite her own heartache, she was good at keeping a smile on her face. “You say that, but others might not.” She threw the remark at Payal as she looked on sheepishly before her dark hues trailed over to Veer who still looked rather intimidating as he addressed her. “I will.” She promised and immediately put her focus on Payal because quite frankly, having to see Veer like this--a little riled up--scared her. “Has anyone told you lately how smart you are?” She complimented the older Khanna sister as she gave her arm a gentle squeeze, all the while, she made sure not to look at Raj once more when he spoke. God, how was she ever going to let him go when just hearing the sound of his voice made her heart beat faster? “You can help us eat it. I’ve seen you eat. I don’t know how you’re still so skinny when you eat like a horse.” She challenged Veer with a raised brow before taking Payal’s hand and leading her over to where the food was.

At Priya’s words, she raised a brow at her as Payal’s protective instincts kicked in tenfold for her younger sister. “Oh yeah? Give me their names, when I’m through them you’ll find their opinions have changed quite a lot on this matter.” A dark promise in her voice as she thought of who would place Priya’s safety in jeopardy and she was a bit shocked at the words that slipped from her sister’s lips. Her arm secured around Priya a bit tighter than before, Priya had to know she’d deal with anything and forgive anything but she would not forgive anyone who harmed her sister. She smiled a bit at Veer’s response, relief washing over Payal that Veer would take of Priya during work when Payal could not be around her sister during those hours. She then grinned at Priya, “You jsut realized this now? I’m hurt, Priya.” Placing her hand over her heart dramatically before laughing both at Veer’s remark and then Priya’s response to him. Before the four moved to the food section, she looked up to find Raj’s gaze on her, and as always her heart skipped a bit as he held her gaze for moments longer. She felt a smile forming as he still stared at her, a smile she usually only ever gave him. He didn’t say anything but simply stared at her, and Payal relished in the brief moments he had noticed since they arrived at the wedding. God, if he only knew what sort of effect he had on Payal. Eventually Raj broke the stare much to her disappointment, but she shook it off and walked along beside her sister joking with her some more as she saw the boys were immersed in their own conversation.

Raj couldn’t have felt more confused than in this very moment. He loved Priya, she was the light of his life, and yet, he’d checked out Payal anyway. When their eyes met briefly, he swore his heart thudded harder behind his ribcage. What was wrong with him? Why was he suddenly feeling so confused? It was probably because he was being forced to be here. Having to be in close proximity of both Priya and Payal was confusing his feelings for the women. That had to be the answer because he refused to believe that his feelings for the younger Khanna sister could easily fade, even though deep down the knowledge of their doomed relationship loomed over him like a dark cloud. He was sad about their impending break, knowing that it would break both of their hearts, he was sure that it would. However, as he watched Payal walking with Priya from the corner of his eye, the idea of being married to his intended didn’t make him want to run as it did before. Now, all he felt was curiosity as he wondered what life would be like for them as a married couple. Those thoughts were still consuming him when he heard his brother’s question. He blinked a few times and shrugged his shoulders; trying to act nonchalant before he answered Veer. “Why wouldn’t I be? I just want to get out of here, so let’s eat and leave, yeah?” Hoping that his brother would buy his comment, he picked up a plate and proceeded to scan through the selection of dishes.

Veer let out a hearty laugh at Priya’s comment but of course this hadn’t been the first time she’d made some cheeky comment and made him laugh. In fact, he could recall each time he laughed so fully it was usually because of Priya, but he supposed it wasn’t so shocking. He’d always found the younger Khanna sister to be quite bubbly and charming, getting people to smile and laugh was a specialty of hers. Coupled with her striking looks and that charming dimple helped her too. For a moment, Veer was a bit confused as he realized he noticed such things about Priya but he supposed he’d known her long enough that you’re bound to pick up little things here and there. “It’s called a gym, Priya.” he said flashing her an amused grin, “Works wonders, and I prefer the word fit.” He threw in before the girls began walking ahead of them and Veer fell into step besides his brother who looked as if he had a lot running on his mind. Veer waited for a response but the longer Raj took to respond the more worried he grew for his younger brother. His response came and it made Veer from slightly, he also knew when he was being fully honest. “That’s hardly a reason for the way you’d been behaving. You look like you’re thinking really hard about something, and I don’t think it’s this wedding. I won’t push you to share if you’re not ready.” He paused then, “If it’s serious, I hope you’ll tell me.” He told Raj firmly, letting him see the seriousness in his eyes as the words were spoken with authority.

Once Priya chose to push aside her feelings for Raj, it was easy for her to focus on her sister. Payal always had the propensity of making her feel better, no matter how hard of a time she was having, she knew she could lean on her sister for support and she loved the other woman all the more for it. “I’m not going to do that. You might kill all of them and then I’d lose you forever. I can’t lose you, you’re important to me…” She remarked with a childlike innocence in her tone of voice, although her earnestness could not be masked. Without Payal, she wouldn’t know how she would even begin to live her life. While most people had rivalry with their sibling, she never felt that way towards Payal. They were always close, having been born a mere two years apart bonded them. She could remember a time when they would do everything together and things hadn’t changed all that much even now as they bloomed into adulthood; she would always need her sister. For this reason alone, Priya was willing to give up the love she shared with Raj. She would find another man to love someday, but she could never replace her sister. “I always knew that you were smart, silly. Of course I have. I’m just asking if you knew.” She returned kindly, chuckling at her sister’s feigned offense. Veer’s statement shifted her attention back to him, where she scrunched up her nose and let out a laugh, “You’re skinny, you’re like a walking stick. Just accept that, Veer.” She was only teasing him of course, although Veer was tall, she’d always known that he was a looker. His good looks differed from Raj. While the younger brother had a dangerous bad boy edge to his handsomeness, Veer was the complete opposite, he looked like the type of man a woman should fall in love with. However, as anger sparked behind his dark hues earlier, she wondered if he was even as wholesome as he portrayed himself to be. When she realized that she had been thinking about him for far too long, she shook the thoughts away and focused instead on the spread before them.

Payal’s gaze softened further as she looked to her sister, her heart warming at Priya’s words but she knew how much her sister loved and in turn Priya knew how much she loved her in return. But priya was definitely the more sentimental of the two girls and her words never failed to get Payal emotional. It was the innocence in which Priya said those words that perhaps made her so emotional but seeing as they were in public she was able to school her features. So she chuckled softly, “It’s scary how well you know me but don’t worry I’m not going anywhere and If I had to, I’d take you with me.” She told her sincerely, the two had been close since children and not having Priya in her life was simply unacceptable. She shot Priya another amused look, “Aren’t you just cheeky?” She retorted as the two made their way towards the food, her eyes did glance at Raj once more but she saw he was speaking to Veer and turned back to her sister. Trying hard to push the brief moment she shared with him to the side because she almost afraid she had imagine the eye-lock she had with Raj.

COMPLETE

#priya x payal #priya x veer #raj x veer #raj x payal

1 note · View note

rabbiteclair · 5 years

Text

So, a whole lot of notes on Flatscreen. This is, like, halfway my attempt to analyze what I was doing for myself, so I can't guarantee they'll be informative or interesting to anyone else, but hey. It should go without saying that there are tons of spoilers in here.

Mysteries And Stuff

I guess the big thing on my end was that I deliberately went out of my way to avoid establishing a definite answer about What's Actually Going On with big facets of the story. Like, I didn't come up with them at all. Some of them don't strictly need answers. Some of them I felt were best left mysteries. Overall, though, subjectivity was kinda a theme for the story as a whole, so it felt appropriate to leave as much as possible open to interpretation. Most of these have apparent explanations within the story that work, because I still wanted a coherent narrative, but here's a short list of things I deliberately kept a bit vague: Does Gensokyo exist in this timeline? Compare the list of occult goodies Renko inherited from Sumireko in Flatscreen:

There are a handful of keepsakes, passed down from your grandma, that have managed to keep your faith in the supernatural alive. A photo of a gate in the Netherworld, with cherry blossoms on one side and a mundane graveyard on the other. A series of videos from her long-archived blog where she's bending spoons and levitating balls with her mind. A rock she brought back from 'some pyramid or another' that does, in fact, sharpen any razors you leave near it.

to Eyes in the Dark:

It had been a large box full of stuff, and practically the only mundane thing in it was a pack of Zener cards.

There was also a photo of a gate in the Netherworld, with cherry blossoms on one side and a mundane graveyard on the other. I know it's the Netherworld, because Maribel and I investigated it once. (Case File #6) There was a series of selfies that my grandma had taken with people she swore were youkai. (A few of them did have remarkably realistic costumes if not.) A recording of an unearthly song that did strange things to the listener's mood, that was supposedly from a youkai night sparrow. A heavily-warded jar with what could only be a ghost of some sort bound inside.

Flatscreen Renko... really didn't get anything impressive, apart from maybe the Netherworld photo from Ghostly Field Club. Maybe Sumireko just didn't leave her much--Renko doesn't really seem to know anything substantial about Gensokyo in the canon stories, after all. Maybe the Sealing Club stories are an alternative timeline from the main Touhou canon, and Maribel is traveling between worlds when she visits Gensokyo (we already know she's ended up in current-Gensokyo's past before, so it wouldn't really be much weirder.) Plus, Fantasy wasn't in very good state when Renko visited it. I think that's probably the case either way--Gensokyo would be a pretty crowded place if every single forgotten god, myth, or youkai ended up there. But, you can definitely point to it as evidence that Gensokyo isn't out there making things better, if you want. Is Renko the real Renko? What even counts as 'real' in this particular case? Whether or not this all happens in the same world or timeline as Gensokyo, Renko might not be The Renko that Maribel remembers. She raises the possibility herself in chapter 3--she has a past that she remembers, with no Maribel in it. It's entirely possible that by erasing Maribel, the monster changed the past and made a new timeline with a whole new Renko. Or maybe she's from a pre-existing timeline and was out there all along. Or, hell, if we're considering alternative timelines anyway, maybe this isn't the same Renko or Maribel from the Sealing Club stories. Or maybe Maribel is right, it's all one tidy timeline, and the monster didn't do much except alter some of Renko's memories. I did kinda wimp out on this one a little, by letting Renko regain memories of Maribel. It undermines some of these possibilities, but I couldn't stand the thought of having Renko go through all of that and only remember a single week with her. What is the monster? I really wanted Renko to make some kind of Black Hole Information Paradox comparison here, but never found a way to shoehorn it in. Regardless, it kinda fits. Whether the monster was a god, or a youkai, or whatever, almost by definition, there's no way of knowing what it used to be. All that information was lost when it got completely forgotten. Or maybe Maribel's theory is completely wrong, and these things aren't gods. She was guessing on pretty thin evidence. Renko thought she saw claws on some of them, and the main monster had some kind of weird features at times too. Stealing existence might be a bit much for an undead myth. If you want to interpret it as some kind of minor elder horror or an especially unstylish Excrucian or something, it doesn't change much about the story except maybe some of the implications. This is part of the reason I avoided giving it a name. The other half was for horror purposes--having Renko give it a snappy nickname like she did in Eyes in the Dark would make it feel a little less scary, I think. For what it's worth, in my notes, I referred to it as the Static.

History and connection with Eyes in the Dark

I really gave most of the relevant bits in the notes at the beginning of the story on AO3. The short version is, the story didn't originally have a monster, and when I decided to add one, a few rounds of expansion later, I had the outline for Eyes in the Dark. There are a few tracts of text that I originally copied over verbatim, and any differences in the section between the two stories evolved over time. The stuff about fake fish is one of them. Renko's big list of stuff Sumireko left for her is another. The monster from Flatscreen is fairly similar to the first iteration of what became the Watcher. When I went to add monster(s) to the first partial draft of Flatscreen, I thought it would be best if it was something that could threaten Maribel, even with her TV-dwelling nature, so a TV-filling monster was one of my first ideas. Obviously the monsters in both stories evolved quite a bit from that point, so it'd be incorrect to say that it's an earlier evolution of the Watcher. This is probably why both stories pretty heavily revolve around televisions, though. The lack of a monster to add some opposition was one of the two things that made me shelve the first draft of Flatscreen.

The other one was the lack of an ending. 'And then Maribel became Yukari' is practically a stock ending for Sealing Club stories, but somehow it didn't occur to me for about two and a half years.

Chapters 1-3 are pretty similar to what the original draft had, minus the monster. In the original draft, Maribel’s plan was to take Renko on a tour of various places they’d visited together, to try jogging her memory, which might hopefully help Maribel become real again. The plan was for Renko to get more and more absorbed in the fantasy world with Maribel in it, while Maribel just kept getting weaker and weaker. Eventually, Maribel would get too weak to even show up outside of Renko’s dreams, and Renko would decide it was better to float off into nonexistence with her than stick around on Earth alone.

... this was the plan for about thirty seconds before I realized it kinda sucks, at least. The lack of a satisfying ending was the main thing that made me drop the story and move on to other ideas.

Yukari!!!

Anybody who’s talked to me on the topic much (this is a list that has like two people on it, so in retrospect this was a bad way to introduce this paragraph) knows that I’m actually not all that fond of ‘Yukari is older Maribel’ as an interpretation of their relationship, in general. For one thing, whenever canon has a big open question and everyone just kind of decides it has to be answered the same way, I wanna go the opposite direction just to spite them. (See also: the idea of the previous shrine maiden being Reimu’s mom.) For another, I feel like it produces a lot of kinda crappy stories. I’ve read a ton of doujin and stuff where Maribel isn’t a character, she’s a macguffin for Renko to chase after, or a placeholder to stand around until Yukari pops up.

... but it isn’t an inherently bad idea, so I was able to convince myself to end the story like this after a while.

If I had to guess (and I do, since it’s another thing where I didn’t come up with a strict Objectively True Answer), it was just kinda the first step. That talk she gave about ending up somewhere else eventually was pretty open-ended. It definitely made her a bit weirder and more... eldritch. Probably, she drifted around in there for a while, ended up way in the past, and came back to find Renko again once she was able to. Could’ve been decades or centuries on her end.

I did definitely mean to drop some hints about how this all led to her becoming Yukari, though. Between the abandoned tanuki house and the really horrible state of Fantasy in the last chapter, it isn’t hard to see where she might get interested in something like Gensokyo. She’s literally playing around with the boundary between fantasy and reality before the story starts. And her walled-off fantasy bubble in the last chapter is basically a mini-Gensokyo, if you wanna think about it that way.

... I think that’s all the stuff I intended to cover? If I missed anything, feel free to shoot me a question, I guess.

#rabbit does fanfiction

32 notes · View notes

ayahne · 7 years

Text

i can’t write, i say as i write 8 pages on Word

I discussed this simple little idea i had with @adelmortescryche from 2AM to 5AM and now it’s not a little idea. A lot of ideas thrown mostly randomly together on the same fic idea i will never write cause i write baaaad.

I call it : EdRi!!! On Para-Ice

- When Yuuri arrives at Wayne State to major in buisness and become a pro skater, he meets the four people with who he's going to share lodging.

- Ling is his age, he's a Xingian diplomat son that want to keep it low-key, and he's majoring in political science. He's a funny, eccentric kind of guy, and he makes Lan Fan mad.

- Lan Fan is « totally not » his body guard, and she's majoring in chemistry. She's a strange blend of calm and hot-temper. He likes her.

- There's also Phichit, ; he's younger, but so nice and enthusiastic ; he wants to do photography. (he's Thai and doesn't speaks much english, but everyone helps him and stick colored notes cards to everything and he learns quickly).

- And there's Edward Curtis, who is half cyborg, hot tempered, foul mouthed and full of shit and loyalty. He's younger than him, but more advanced than him in his studies. (« He's a genius », explains Lan Fan.) They got on like a house on fire.

- Strangely, even if they're so different from each other, they share the apartment fine. Lan Fan and Ed go run in the mornings, Ling cooks, Yuuri and Phichit go to the ice ring... They fit.

- Ed is a bit hyperactive, and when Lan Fan is too occupied to spar with him, he gotta finds something to do. (« No Ed, you can't punch people in the face. ») He visits Yuuri and Phichit at the ice ring, and he tries a bit of skating ; it's challenging, he likes it.

- Yuuri starts to teach him simple figures : a single-toe-loop, a sit-spin... Ed spend his time falling on his face because the automails are destabilizing him, but he's tired and happy when he masters a new move. From there, you can't stop him. Skating becomes the escape to his problems, and the guilt he feels.

- He comes to every of Yuuri's event to cheer him on ; he manage the panic attacks like it's nobody's buisness, and Yuuri starts to feel more confident. It's great time, they have fun.

- But one day, there's an accident ; the huge score board fall on Yuuri that just finished his routine. They have to amputate his arm.

- Ed has lived this before, and acts quick. He's there through everything, the hospital ride, the hospital stay, the therapy. With the others, he persuades Yuuri to get an automail (« Hey, we match now. ») He never let him wallow in his depression, and he puts him back on his skates with his therapist acceptance.

- They fight, with all the others, through Yuuri's terror of the ice, and slowly, slowly, he finds back his love for the ice ; he starts to skate again, to being confident. Ed does it all with him, he's his crutch. (« I miss two limbs. If i can do it, you can do it better. » And Yuuri does.)

(beware of the cut)

- "dude you can fucking make a quint and fly on the ice " says Yuuri "dont care still jealous" answer Ed, and they laugh and Phichit posts it on instagram

- Yuuri's like, welp, if you can do it, I should at least try and everyone screams NO because he's older than Ed. Except Ed, who's rolling his eyes being like, he could totally do it, he's older than me and just as flexible.

- They're both ULTRA flexible

- Cue Ed teaching Yuuri how to make some of his fighting moves on ice

- Cue Yuuri teaching Ed more quads

- All those EdRi comments. The first few are just fujoshi slobbering over them and their bromance, then someone who actually knows something about skating figures out what they're seeing and they sCREAM.

- And the skating fandom has a meltdown.

- Phichit posting out of context photos, like warming up when they're in weird yoga poses, and it seems a bit more intimate than it is.

- With tags like '#MySmolSonsBeFlexi' '#MustNotLetEdSeeTagsHeWillSlayMe'

- Phichit and all the others being DEADLY TIRED than his frighteningly prodigious friends not getting recognition just because they've got automail.

- Doesn't people realise that automail makes it harder ?

- “It's easier with automail ?” * Ed proceeds to detach his own arm and dump it on the stupid fuck's lap who crumble under the weight. * “Try lifting something that weight more than yourself higher than your head, and even spin with something ressembling grace when you have a brick instead of an arm”.

- Pole dancing class as part of the automail recovery therapy. Yuuri smiles, and he's like, this was totally for medical reasons.

- The ports gets cold and hurt when they're too long in the ice ring, so for when they train Phichit knitted them horrible arm socks (and leg sock for Ed). Knitting is not Phichit forte, and the mitts are ridiculous at best.

- Yuuri's favorite is a kaki monstruosity with purple polka dots, orange stripes, and some brown squiggles that are supposed to be flowers.

- Ed's are one atomic pink with red hearts on it, and a blue one with barely recognisable hamsters.

- The photos of them with it become viral.

- He decides to go back to competing, and he slays the handisport section. He wins all of the gold medals in the juniors, and then in the seniors.

- He's got a new coach ; she's pretty, kind and maternal, attentive to his anxieties and the fact that Ed is basically is contra-phobic object ; she's perfect, and exactly what he needs. Her name is Gracia Hugues.

- For his galas, he always do something with Ed (and either they do funny shit things, either they some mind-numbing show of skills mixing Ed's talents in flying martial arts and Yuuri's adaptability- anyways they're breathtaking)

- There's a fanbase dedied to their bromance, and some people do RPF with them.

- Ed browsing deviantart and diying a little bit (but save the nice, bro, safe ones on his phone.)

- Yuuri reading fanfictions, selecting the crack fics and the AUs to laugh with Ed, Phichit and Lin. (and Lan Fan. She's there, silently laughing)

- They're so much more low key about the bromance than Phichit and Yuuri that people have a lot more opinions about their bromance. And are sure it's a romance.

- Yuuri obviously finds it hilarious.

- Ed and Yuuri doing shit like this on purpose.

- One day on tv, some jackass ask if he doesn't miss his limbs, and Ed answers "thats equivalent exchange" while looking at Yuuri. The shippers goes mad, Yuuri goes awww cause he knows Ed meant it very innocently

- They only pop up in Phichit, Ling, and Yuri social medias because they dont take vids themselves or photos and even less post them

- One day, there's an hORRIBLE rant made by a dude that says that Ed and Yuuri are lucky to have found the other because who would want any of those disgusting cripples

- and they're a bit hurt but not much because they told themselves the same thing since they got their accidents

- But Phichit sees red. He takes THE photo.

- the one after the showers after practice, where you can see skin, soft scars, glinting metal, muscles and cloth making it SFW, and no comment under it like he use to.

- It broke twitter

- (Yuri totally roasted the guy that DARED insult his idol.)

- Roy Mustang is an ex-man-single prodigy. He was adored by the public. When he retired, he decided he wanted to go into Amestrian politics (ie, the Army).

- He's the one that presented his old buddy from the army, Maes, to Gracia. (people all around the world whined when they announced that it was Maes marrying Gracia and not him.)

- Roy isn't sure if he's happy for both his friends because Maes became 1000% more annoying after meeting Gracia. (That's a lie, he loves them both and is more than happy.)

- When he became a state alchemist, his fans where like “fire alchemy ??? U SURE ?”

- Yuri Plisetesky is a die-hard Yuuri Katsuki fan, and he finds it unfair that

1. no same sex couple on the ice, and it sucks because those two could do some pretty awesome shit

2. Ed doesn't compete because not enough money and he don't care much for the competition ; he's there for the fun and for Yuuri

3. he'd love to skate on the same ice as Yuuri but, eh, handi sections and mainstream ones doesn't mix. He hates the federation so much.

4. no one knows about the handi athletes apart of Yuri and Otabek (because he whines at him) and he finds it the most irritating thing in the world, it's a TRAVESTY.

- And just, one day, he goes to Yuuri's ice ring, and he watches him, film him for future reference and manage to catch on film a *quad axel*.

- And the regular skaters, they're like "wait what" when they see the video of the first quad axel in history

- "but we don't know that guy"

- and Yuri goes in a screaming rant about how they're all stupid, it's “FUCKING YUURI KATSUKI YOU HEATHENS HOW DARE YOU FORGET HIM HE COULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST RIVAL FOR GOLD IF NOT FOR THAT ACCIDENT HE HAD TO LEAVE MAINSTREAM SKATING AND NOW YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HIM?!”

- And one day, Viktor, dense fridge that he is, find irl EdRi doing some figures in a public ice ring. He goes to Yuuri, says something like you skate nice, have you considered going pro, and ed punches him because the dunce doesn’t remember sharing the ice with Yuuri

- "I was too fucking kind i should have decked him with the metal one"

- Yuuri is nrgh between "he punched Viktor" and "am i that forgettable"

- Yuuri's also like Ed No Ed Stahp. While smiling happily because spiteful savage Yuuri. Who doesn't want Victor to get hurt, but he forgot.

- "We said no punching, Ed"

- ”Ed we talked about this.”

- ZE discussion they have all the time ; "Can i punch that dick in the dick" "No u cant"

- And he can only punch people if Yuuri is okay with it because everyone deem that if Yuuri thinks a dude deserve to be punched then he deserves it.

- If Yuuri thinks it's time to punch someone then it's time. Yuuri's everyone's moral compass. Except he isn't a good moral compass, because sometimes he's sassy and spiteful.

- Yuuri with really long hair after he stopped mainstream mens singles.

- First he was too depressed to cut it, then he realized it's easier for the automail. The hair gets stuck less in the joints and if they're long you can take them out easier.

- Phichit doing artistic© photos of tanned light hair Ed and pale dark hair Yuuri and destroying Instagram

- Al and Ed have been apart since they were 8 and 10 and they had the failed transmutation that left Al in a coma for 3 years with nearly no memories of his brother, and Ed without limbs.

- They went to different foster families ; Ed with Izumi and Sig, Al with the Rockbell. And Al doesn't remember Ed much, only what Pinako told him (he loved you more than anything, he was persuaded the accident is his fault)

- Olivia Armstrong is Ed social worker. The whole Briggs team work in social services.

- Ed refusing to search for his bro cause he's sure Al hates him, and, sure, Ed hates himself but not to the point of subjecting himself to that.

- Yuuri comforting him when he has nightmares about it, not saying a thing when Ed cries at night cause he misses Al.

- Phichit stalking the whole internet to update Ed on how Al is doing.

- Al being so admirative of E.Curtis works in "Alchemy Actual". Pinako wince in the background.

- Al finds it hard to connect E. Curtis to his brother because E. Curtis is notoriously secretive. No one knows anything about him.

- Al doesn't watch ice-skating, and isn't much a fan of phichit-chu. And no matter how many times he falls on a video of Edward C. he can't connect either of them to his brother. Pinako's starting to wonder if he's ever going to realise Ed-on-screen and Ed-the-alchemist is Ed his brother. She shighs in exasperation and wonder why he's so dense.

- May being Ling's pint sized badass little sister (one of many but his favorite even if loves giving her shit)

- May is irritating and wonderful and god he wishes he could introduce her to Al.

- May find Al by herself and is like “... most beautiful boy i've ever seen in my entire life omg”

- She posts photo of her and him on insta, and Phichit send them to Ed, he becomes crazy.

- Al being in a perpetual state of “Wait what” concerning her.

- “Beautiful girl came out of no where to talk to me and flirt with me and take pictures with me what'

- She starts talking alkahestry and suddenly he doesn't register her pretty face anymore she's clever who cares about pretty I can talk about alchemy with her !!!

- May finds him adorable

- Cue budding romance while their big brothers are having aneurisms on the side. Yuuri, Phichit and Lan Fan finds it hilarious.

- And at LEAST Ling can interact with his sister and NOW AL but ED REFUSES and he is sad and frustrated so he goes skating cause he has too much energy and "you can't punch people for the lolz Ed"

- Yuuri just sighs and pats him on the back while Ed screams at the sky and goes throwing quads all over the place.

- So frustrated he tries a quint toe loop, but "not a quad axel, i'm stupid but not dumb, only quadsuki can do that"

- Ed having super nice automail that Yuuri offered him with the skating money ("look, we match !", he says, a twinkle in his eyes, echoeing what Ed told him a few years ago.)

- Since Ed doesn't want to see the Rockbell and has a « 0 interaction » policy, Yuuri found that guy that lives in a remote part of Australia that does incredible machinery. They go once a year with the gang.

- Ed considering himself « toxic » to those he loves. Lan Fan decked him in the gut, Ling rolled his eyes so hard it had to be inscribed in a book of records, and Phichit insulted him in Thai. He tried this bullshit with Yuuri exactly once and never did it again.

- Mari straight up hit him with a pan. She reminds Ed of Izumi.("My foster mom hits me with her pan, too.")

- Following that sentence, people start to be suspicious about his foster mom, until they figure out Izumi and Ed love each other. Their love is just... violently displayed. And filled with martial art montages.

- Izumi and Sig already have a biological son when they adopt Ed. Aoi is totaly enamored with his « big brother »

- They adopted another child, a little girl named Nina. Her dad tried to kill her, and as of such she's sick. Her and Al are the reason he started studying organic alchemy in more depth.

- Envy is Ed biological punk rock but so nice older half-brother. He's androgynous and loves confusing people. ("Are you a girl or a boy ?" "no.")

- Envy avoids Al cause he feels guilty too. He felt he shoud have been there for his two lil bro, no matter how angry with their dad he was.

- When Ed and Envy gloom together, Lin/Phichit/Yuuri/Lan Fan comes to hit them and like "no we love you yes we said love shut up, up, we going petting rabbits"

- Hiroko, Izumi and Minako being BFFs and drinking together. It terrifies everyone. They comiserate about their spawns.

- Izumi's kid is in awe of Mari (as he should)

- EdxAngst + Yuuri/coming-to-terms-with-his-anxiety

- "Where did your... special style of skating came from, Mister Curtis ? *behind, a video extract where Ed is doing a double backflip on the ice, before launching into some capoara moves while Yuuri smiles and just cartwheels for the lolz*"

- Roy calling Ed “a backflipping maniac”

- Cuts to Ed doing a triple back flip and a single hand cartwheel or something right after. Just to see the expression on Roy's face.

- Roy having ten cardiac arrest a day. Riza laugh in the distance. (She laughs at his pain all the time)

- "Curtis, when your in an ice ring you spend more time in the air than on the ice, it's not natural"

- One of Phichit most liked photos is one of Yuuri and Ed twirling Elicia around

- Even if Ed isn't an official competitor, he has die hard fans, that calls themselves « Ed's Homunculi », and they're led by 5 people that nicknamed themselves with the primary sins.

- Yuuri snickers at just their mention. Ed complains all the time. (« NO FUCK LET ME GO IM NOT EVEN A PRO DONT PuT YOUR BOOBS IN MY FACE DONT EAT MY HAIR WTF. Why are you all so DISTURBING »)

- Envy founded the fanclub because he finds this deadly funny, now he’s mostly in charge of the social medias. Ed is horrified.

- Scar is married to Lust and follows her everywhere, to every competition sighing all the time.

- THE PRESIDENT OF HIS FANCLUB IS THE FUCKING FURHER OF AMESTRIS

- The idea of Amestris’s Furher being enamored enough with Ed's skating to give himself a stupid nickname kills all of his friends of laughter inside

- Aerugo is near greece

- Xing is in east asia

- Creta is near italia

- Drachma is between finland and sweden

- Amestris between germany and poland, and Ishval between poland and Austria

- Father couldn't arrange another full country array, and eventually decided to let it go.

- Envy's real name is Nichola Elric

- Lust is Veda Campos

- Wrath is King Bradley

- Pride is still Selim Bradley

- Gluttony is named Emilio Abatucci

- Scar is Luca Campos

- Izumi’s kid is named Aoi Curtis

#yoi #fma #edward elric #yuuri katsuki #headcanon #crossover fic #fic #fanfic #sort of ????#my writing #even if i'm not good at english BUT WATHEV'

119 notes · View notes

michaelmotorcycle2 · 5 years

Text

My solution...OCD, part 3A and part of 3B revised on 11/2

Part III,a

I suppose I should give several examples, because the method called disassociation I use is not as easy as first glance may suggest. The difficulty associated with a method of disassociation depends on the user. If one struggles to see how on earth anyone could find a solution for x when 2x + 3y =25, 4x - 2y = 34 and x +2y = 23 then you may not see what makes disassociation a challenge and will think it is as they say, easy peazy. Good for you, and I am not being sarcastic, because ignorance of... can, with certainty, be bliss.

As a matter of fact, I am certain I am glad I am ignorant of seeing the future, because on one hand it would be nice to know what horse would win the race, but more importantly I would not be emotively equipped to deal with knowing of the horrible event that will occur in 3 days. Why? Presumably the event is one that I have no ability in which to effect an outcome. Knowing in advance my best friend is going up in flames in an airline crash 3 days from now with out the ability to effect change would be too much for me to handle.

The next two sections will explore two examples involving disassociation. The first example primarily has (is) as the culprit. The second example has (not) as the culprit. In each, I will show the reader why the part of me that is reflected in my finding the solution to x in the preceding example easy makes disassociation more of a challenge for me than perhaps with others, but if you can pull it off the method is excellent with respect to sending anxiety to zero almost immediately.

Before I start the first example let me high-light or summarize several observations:

1st:

In general my issue is with patterns of speech such as (is) which has as its source multiple meanings such as our allowing the term to mean what follows (is) has an association with what precedes (is) where this association is very general and can be many things including by being a constituent part of the preceding object or by perhaps being an emotive attitude regarding... or name used as a stand in for the preceding object. In sentence form there is no apparent difference between (is) meaning part of, and (is) meaning has as its name. For me this creates the same effect that one would get by letting alive mean both 'alive' and 'dead' followed by saying, "my child is not alive." This often is too emotively disturbing, at least for me, and has been one of the triggers involved.

What I find interesting is knowledge is not sufficient to attenuate the disturbance I feel when an object is being suggested as having an objective property which in reality is false. What do I mean? Were alive to be allowed to have two meanings where one meaning is 'alive' and the other meaning is 'dead' in spite of knowing what was meant when I said "my child is not alive" its not ever emotively OK with me to verbally model reality in this fashion, at all. I want to at the very least remove such a definition for me, if no one else. Additionally, I do not want to change or desensitize myself to misleading language such as what is being highlighted in this essay at all. In terminology I recently read, I'd rather drink acid before desensitizing myself to triggers such as these I am writing with respect to.

2nd:

In general my issue with (not) also is due to misleading meanings that have been allowed by not having well-defined be much of a priority by those that gave us our current language. Rather than spending any time on this specific issue I will let example 2 explain the problems caused by (not) being other than well defined. Again this issue is not one that desensitizing myself to misleading language is something that I will tolerate.

3rd:

In general, had language been well thought out in a manner that mathematicians must utilize otherwise conjectures can not become proven theorems I doubt that OCD would be a term I was intimately familiar with. Oh well I am, and I have had to adapt to the triggers and the examples are two fold in that they exemplify the structure that serves as the trigger and how I have been able to, in a sense, remove or deactivate the trigger.

4th:

There will be some that having read this essay would like to lecture me like a wayward school child for welcoming belief/denial and removing for myself language that suggests emotive attitudes that they prefer to see portrayed as objective properties of the object being referenced... Good for them, and here I am being a bit sarcastic, because all they would accomplish is relaying their feelings in a manner that most likely was presented so as to suggest objective and I would inwardly think of the photograph of the individual holding a sign that read "Thank You for Sharing Your Feelings" behind the protester holding the sign, "Homosexuality is a Sin!" Otherwise, I get it, some or many are hardwired to view the world in a manner that coincides with their emotions and for them this is not a problem because they can't see the edge of their emotive lens that otherwise would tell them differently. Plus, like me they are not willing to change their emotive attitudes or responses either. And, of course they consider their attitude as right, probably where right is somehow the objective-right. Why, because evolution hardwired them to do so, since the scheme often but not always leads to more likely to survive regardless of the intellect that accompanies the faculty for emotion.

Example 1:

In this example I am using the symbol Nigger because it is very emotively disturbing, especially for those of the black race. However, to show subtle but important differences the symbol is being utilized two different ways. The first use is rather easy to disassociate but the second usage is challenging if you can easily see abstract structures in a manner that is clear and comprehensible. In my examples I am being pedantic so as to most convey what others may not see so that perhaps they too can, for the first time, see the challenges that may, depending on the individual, be involved?

To provide preliminary required information I need to share the following. Why this information is required will become apparent once we look in detail at the examples I have provided.

{

1: Previously I had mentioned that (is) has multiple meanings which I have more or less consolidated into four classes or four general meanings. One meaning indicates what: precedes (is) has what follows (is) as a constituent part of it the object that precedes (is). This meaning is seen in: "The 1963 Kennedy half dollar is silver." Another meaning of (is) indicates: the object, let's call it alpha, that precedes (is) has associated with it what follows (is) by what follows (is) stands in for or represents alpha. This second meaning is seen in: "He is Joe."

2:A: Suppose you wanted a symbol to stand in for the concept of an object having 4 sides and a bottom assembled in a specific manner such that the object has a volume of space within the 5 pieces making up the object.

B: Let's not be unique and let the symbol that represents the concept from above be 'box.'

C: OK, we have this:

'Box' refers to our mental integration of side1, side2, side3, side4, and bottom, into the concept or model of an object assembled in a specific manner.

D: If we were teaching a child we would find an appropriate object and while pointing at the object say, 'box' represents or stands in for it, the object pointed at, understand Joey? Since 'box' stands in for the object that is being pointed at by the adult; the adult will also say to Joey, "It is box." Here the meaning of (is) indicates what 'it" is pointing at has as a symbol of representation, 'box.' We all have been on both sides of this phenomenon and through repetition the symbol takes on meaning within our mind.

*E: With the above in mind and using the parts involved in 'box' as an example: If you had a stack of bottom pieces to an un-assembled box and picked one of the pieces up you would have in your hand a part of what 'box' represents or stands in for. Why? Because by allowing (is) to indicate representation as in, [(the four sides and bottom assembled as...) is a (box)] we also allow for (the bottom I hold in my hand) is part of a (box) or partially a (box). This last observation may seem to be "why bother" at the moment, but later in this essay it will take on importance.

}

Part A of example 1:

Let us use Nigger as the symbol and let us give this symbol only the attribute of being a name that stands in for a specific person or subset of humanity. Here we can simply disassociate the symbol from both the group and the individual as easily as changing your name. How do we do this? We think: Nigger does not represent the specified subset of humanity. What we just thought is true for our self because representation is a property of one's mind not a property of the symbol or the object that someone is allowing the symbol to stand in for.

However, I emotively need Nigger to have no meaning, period. I suspect I am not alone. Hence, I will allow my self further disassociation by choosing to belief Nigger does not nor can it stand in for anything at all. Did I bend reality to obtain the removal of an emotive disturbance? I sure did. As a comparison, I imagine that many would say "It's not right or correct" to use Nigger as a representation of them or another. I also imagine their not-right for them is being seen as a constituent part of what is being referenced otherwise some how objective.

Unfortunately, their not-right is emotive and in reality amounts to saying the key does not match or partially match the lock because I don't want it to. This view really is not much comfort without the added on belief that the 'not-right' being used is objective, meaning a constituent part of what is being referenced. I don't bend reality like those that turn an emotive not-right somehow into an objective not-right because it offers problems elsewhere. I bend reality by believing what I find emotively disturbing is completely impossible and therefore objectively not-right meaning false as a result of can not exist. The end result is essentially equivalent except I am not a fan of envisioning subjective views as being somehow objective, but I am not opposed to believing objective attributes such as false or true are fitting when emotively necessary. So, yes, we bend reality to remove emotive disturbances, not just myself.

The first half of this example was essentially easy and amounted to removing Nigger as a symbol that referenced an object or any object in one's environment. The next piece of this example is where disassociation becomes a bit more of a challenge.

Part B of example 1:

Now suppose Nigger stands in for an internalized concept/model that I will later call Z so that I don't have to retype the verbalized model multiple times. In this part of the example I am letting Z stand in for: "ape-like, human-like, dumb, black, two-eyed, two-legged,..being." Here, Nigger is more than just a name for it carries with it a concept as well and the symbol Nigger only serves to deliver the concept to whomever Nigger is directed at. Simply disassociating the symbol would not be sufficient for one also needs to disassociate the concept as well. One might think that, I am not Nigger nor Z is sufficient? Is it? Let's examine the question:

1st:

If you are like me then you need more than "I am not Nigger" because you emotively need "not at all" attached to the denial because any link to or association with Nigger is emotively disturbing for you. Let me explain this a bit with a mental experiment:

Imagine you and your mates taking what is strictly pejorative such as asshole or worse followed by each in the group attempting to strip away the pejorative. Now ask yourself, how well the following resonates within you: All your mates in the office use asshole in lieu of other pronouns for each other from then on.

I don't think what I asked you to imagine will succeed for long; if it even were to get off the ground. Why? In a sense the pejorative meaning is like radiation that takes a very long time for its harmful effect to be neutralized, where time needed may be measured in generations. We, certainly me, can not, nor do I want to, divorce negative associations on whim or by will and they have a way of poisoning what ever is attached to them as well. Hence, I am not comfortable at all with out having "not at all" attached to the denial.

One also must remember that issues or sensitivities like this are idiosyncratic and, by example, just because I was OK with riding down the steep hill from Altamont NY when I was 18 years old did not mean my friend Jim felt the same way. After all he had a different set of emotional associations that came from having his face peeled off by going thru a windshield on the very same hill. And please let us not become pretentious by saying an-others sensitivity is not-right where this phrase, by the language used, is meant to suggest not-right is objective. The not-right is emotive and simply is indicating you are not in emotive agreement with one having the particular sensitivity and I feel more than a bit arrogant although at times I prefer feel more than a bit stupid to think or pretend otherwise.

2nd:

Needing 'not at all' attached to the denial creates a problem of its own when using language that treats Nigger and its associated concept like they are real. The issues at first glance may be unseen but are emotively disturbing once seen. What do I mean? Remember item E which I placed * in front of the E and had said this will be important later on, well now is where its significance manifests itself. If we treat, as real, the concept I called Z that Nigger referred to where the symbol Nigger serves to deliver the concept to whomever Nigger is directed at we have an issue to deal with:

Issue:

How well does being part or partially a Nigger resonate with you? I ask because in the same way that the bottom of the box one held in their hand was part of or partially a box as seen in item E, the way I structured Z we have (two eyes) are part of or partially a Nigger. I can do without this being a fact of life I have to live with as much as any woman can do without women being inferior to men is a fact of life they have to accept and get over. So one way or another I am removing what otherwise is a disturbance that I just can't tolerate.

In one sense the issue of being part or wholly a Nigger is easy to remove and that comes from we need to recognize Nigger as a realized being is as real as the Unicorn and change our language to reflect this. Hence like the Unicorn, where real, does not exist and not-Unicorn, where in not-Unicorn, Unicorn is real, also does not exist we have: I am neither Nigger nor not-Nigger nor am I part Nigger nor not-part Nigger. Essentially what the previous sentence is saying is I am not nothing nor am I part nothing.

OK, are we done with this issue? Unfortunately not. Why?

Because, what I can't forget is that the Z someone created in their imagination is like the case involving the Unicorn. Where Unicorn can also represent a conceptualized structure having specified or inferred attributes. Where this structure is real only as a concept but not real beyond just being an assembled and imagined structure out of one's imagination much like a fictional vehicle in a movie or novel. Again, I am not really fond of saying I am somewhat or partly the conceptualized 'Z which has two eyes and two legs." Frankly, I don't know anyone, certainly not me, who would really tolerate "I am somewhat or partly, "ape-like, human-like, dumb, black, two-eyed, two-legged,..being." Do you?

What do we do with this last issue? There are some I imagine who will let their emotive objection to having partially being the concept of a Nigger be fitting for them be translated into "it just is not-right" and somehow believe this removes their being partly the conceptualized Nigger. If they can, fine. I can't. So, what do I do. One of two things.

Either

I allow via belief the concept to also be as real as the Unicorn, hence, because I allow my self to believe the concept completely does not exist, I think once again: I am neither at all. Followed by if necessary: there is an alternative that does not provide me with what I can not tolerate and that is what I am, where I take this on faith and do not try to build the structure that supports the belief.

I simply think that there is no I am a Nigger and its components, at all, no meaning of; followed by there is an alternative to the components or structure of language in the conceptualized Nigger that does not provide me with what I can not tolerate and that dictates what I am. I take this on faith and do not try to build the structure that supports the belief. Why not? Because, the whole idea behind disassociation is to quickly end the trigger's capacity to turn on anxiety. By trying to figure out a suitable structure for the belief to be realized as in detail all one accomplishes is igniting anxiety and once it burns its harder to put out. So, again I don't try and it is remarkable at how well the method works and here I'll send my thank you card to evolution for having given us denial and belief in our tool box.

Both methods in the preceding paragraph for addressing the issue is very much the use of faith as seen in conjunction with various religions. If being partly a Nigger did not disturb me in a manner that a woman would surely be very disturbed by from needing or being required to accept men as superior, then, I would not need to use belief as a tool or disassociation as a tool. However, that is not the case and I am not in emotive agreement with changing my emotive sensitivity at all, so it is this or nothing and I'd rather live and be productive than live as the tormented.

This particular example may or may not be extremely upsetting to me and I was merely using it to convey the concept, however cases that I kept private are very emotively upsetting to me. Regardless of how I end up disassociating the disturbing issue the result is the same in that almost immediately the anxiety goes to zero and from having built from scratch the electronics device that changes a computer's memory from 1 to zero I recognize that what disassociation thru belief has accomplished is very similar to sending the electrical signal feeding the machine's memory of 1 to ground such that the memory now is zero.

Part III,b

If you think I was a bit abstract and therefore hard to follow when I presented example 1 then maybe you should stop reading. By reading this far, for the outsider, one has conceivably learned a lot or recognized their self. I have a need to be both pedantic and still readable in this section and will try my best to do both although I admit what I have written is certainly not the light reading I wish it could have been. Unlike example 1 here the issue is essentially (not) where in example 1 the issue was primarily (is) which if it had not been used to assign representation and also indicate properties it probably would have never been an issue for me.

Example 2:

I will not give a precise case that triggers the unrelenting need to remove the unwanted in this example because it is liable to be distracting by raising the question, why the heck does it disturb you followed by your nutty. None of us had any choice in how evolution emotively wired us; rather, evolution can be thought of as an ongoing science experiment and much like a software engineer that tries out mapping a different color to the monitor the end result is we all tend to have our idiosyncratic differences. Hence, I will use a structure that, except for differences in the elements within the structure, are essentially the same structure where this is referred to as they are isomorphic. For example any pair of lovers sitting on a park bench is isomorphic to any other pair regardless of their unique identities or ages or...

First, will you agree with me that given a house is imaginary that inside the house is also imaginary and outside = not-inside, (where inside is real), is also imaginary? What happens were the house real for somethings but not others? Our common language does not easily account for this and often what ends up being used as a verbal model is very lossy with respect to the information it contains and in a sense is like a kid's crayon sketch of your house when compared to the actual house.

Let us create a realization of the concept:

Suppose there are two lots on a street side by side. Call these 1550 Main street and 1552 Main street. Suppose there are two houses where house-A is located on 1550 Main St. and house-B is located on 1552 Main St. Suppose ball-A strictly belongs to house-A and ball-B strictly belongs to house-B where each ball can only be 'inside of', or 'outside of (where inside is possible)' their respective houses and being 'inside of' or 'outside of (where inside is possible)' the other house is imaginary.

Sure, we can envision the space containing both houses and since ball-A is absent from inside house-B we can say ball-A is not-inside house-B; but is what we just said precisely faithful to reality? No it is not and the reason for this is that it is being one dimensional much like modeling you by your height alone. Additionally, the phrase has multiple meanings where one meaning is real and the other meaning is not real for both states.

I suspect, you may be having a hard time wrapping your head around this because you keep seeing house-B as real in reality and ball-A being outside of it, right? So let us create a formal but short proof to show what I have said is not wishful thinking on my part:

Given:

ball-A being inside house-B where: inside house-B is possible for ball-A is real,- does not exist.

ball-A being not-inside house-B where in (not-inside house-B): inside house-B is possible for ball-A is real,- does not exist.

house-B is real in the big space of Existence.

Question: if we look is ball-A inside house-B? No.

Question: Does the above indicate ball-A is not inside house-B?

Let us check using * as a guide:

{Please note: possible and possibility here is defined as being both free to be and free to be other than. ie They have the meaning that coincides with being in a sample space and therefore a potential for being realized. There are other common meanings where one meaning coincides with: essentially imagined as free to be or not and the other simply denotes existence somewhere}

*Find me something in reality that is not a unicorn where a unicorn is real for this thing to not be.

{here the above is totally impossible and not-a-unicorn where unicorn is real is totally as imaginary as the unicorn everywhere in Reality}

OK, let us apply the same check with respect to not-inside-house-B.

Find me a something in reality that is not inside house-B where inside house-B is real for it to be.

{here I can only find one thing and that is ball-B; on the other hand: [(not-inside-house-B) where (inside house-B ) is real for ball-A] is as imaginary as you or I being not-a-unicorn, isn't it?}

QED ie. that which was to be shown valid has been shown valid.

OK, what is happening is that for ball-A the states inside & not-inside, where the later state being real strictly with respect to ball-A is determined by the first state called 'inside' being a real possibility for ball-A, are both imaginary. However, house-B does exist in the large space called Existence. Sure, ball-A is outside of house-B, but ball-A is also outside of (not-inside-house-B) where in this state, (inside-house-B) is a real possibility for ball-A.

In this example an accurate model of this case involving ball-A is seen in these sentences:

With respect to each, (inside-house-B/not-inside-house-B), being a real possibility for ball-A; there is no ball-A is either (inside-house-B or not-inside-house-B).

-------------------------------------------

Ball-A is outside of (inside, not-inside house-B) where each are real possibilities only for ball-B and otherwise do not exist as real possibilities for ball-A.

An example that is isomorphic to the emotive free example given by ball-A..., but does have a fairly strong emotive impact is seen in this extra example. Here I'll ask the reader which verbal or internal model of the following cases are capable of being disturbing:

1: I am not having same-sex sex today.

2: I am outside of (having, not having) same-sex sex today, where each are real possibilities only for others.

3: I am not wearing diapers today.

4: I am outside of (wearing, not wearing) diapers today, where each are real possibilities only for others.

I am almost certain I would know your selection and while two of the verbal models and their associated internal models are capable of being disturbing, they are not even close to specific examples that strongly effect me.

What I find interesting with respect to (1) and (3) are two observations.

First, again knowledge is not sufficient. What do I mean? Knowing that (1) is indicating the state of being seen in (2) is not sufficient to turn off disturbing, at least for me. For me, this situation is similar to letting alive mean each of dead and alive. Essentially I don't care if I know I am not alive means I am not dead; its simply not emotively OK with me to either verbally model or internally model reality in this manner.

While I had no choice in how I emotively respond to to either model; I have no desire and I am totally opposed to altering my emotive response, where this reaction to the concept of changing myself also is hardwired into my essence.

#pure ocd #ocd #ocd problems #ocd recovery #living with ocd

0 notes

yi-dashi-a · 7 years

Text

//What’s that? More Yi’s parents? It’s not fluff this time? It’s just sad? Welp!

Refer to the third tag in my drabble section if you don’t know what the frick is going on at this point pft

Huan slept so soundly in his hold, comforted by the softness of her form against his taut musculature. She would have slept even through to mid-day if she’d been allowed, but she wasn’t given such a luxury. When her grogginess lifted the dark still held sway, and she found Chao had untangled himself from her somehow. Sitting upon the floor, his decency was barely protected by their roomy blanket.

“Hello…” She cooed at him, “Don’t tell me it’s morning already..?”

“Hm..?” He turned, his downed hair creating a strange silhouette to his face in the darkness. Gradually, teasingly, she turned herself to her front, resting her chin on one arm as she looked him up and down. His bottom lip fell open for a moment, before his focus fell on something elsewhere, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to wake you. I am sure it’s still some time in the night.”

“It’s fine.” She yawned, “It’s more time spent together, right?”

“Right…”

Though try as she might to lay a hand on him comfortingly, or smile up at him, the man still seemed content to stare off into nothingness. To not acknowledge she was even there. As her tired pettings became more grounded in her awakened state, a frown began to form upon her brow.

“… Chao?” He didn’t answer at first, only sighing at his name. Her hand about him became more persistent then, shaking at his arm, “Are you alright? What are you looking at?”

“I’m looking at the end. It’s dark, as one might expect…” He finally answered, causing her brow to quirk even more, “Huan… You know that I value you more than almost… No, I value you more than I value any other person in my life.”

“Why are you saying this..?” She became more stringent in her lying stance, “Chao?”

Finally, their eyes met in the dark of their room, and she found him to look upon her with a desperate sadness. Something beyond any of the fear or melancholy he’d shown in his time with her. Even so, his words were as carefully considered as always,

“… You wanted to know why I worried I’d not see you again, right? Why more than just my father and my mother haunt my steps? I want to be honest with you. I don’t want to go from here feeling as if I’ve done something… wrong. Maybe I have left it until too late, for your sake and mine, but I’ve wrestled with it long enough that I think I have found my voice.”

“Of course I want to know.” Bringing herself to sit up, she at first didn’t care for her own decency. However, when she noted how her bare chest made his eyes dart, she was quick to pull their blanket over herself, “Please, tell me. I want to hear it.”

“I… You have to promise me, promise me fairly, that you will listen to everything I have to say before you pass judgement on me, alright?” Raising a hand, she nodded at him studiously,

“I promise with all the clothes off my back. We are as close as we can be. I’ll listen to whatever you have to say.”

But how quickly the promise was broken. Or, from her perspective, how quickly he broke her trust. More than just her trust even, the next sentence that he spoke was so fundamentally damaging that she almost felt her lungs cease in their functions. She’d given her all, yet he still said what he said. Everything, seemingly now worth nothing...

“I’m… Soon, I will be wed to another woman, Huan.”

“You… What?” She stared at him. Through him. She stared as if to find the man who had suddenly replaced her darling. Yet everything alluded to him being the same Chao she’d always known, and that just about shattered her entirely.

“I—“ But he wouldn’t get a chance to speak. He didn’t deserve it,

“--Married? To someone?”

“Y-Yes, but please just—“

“Yes?!”

“Yes! But please--”

She scrambled back from him somewhat, wrenching all the blanket away from his naked form. What was it she felt? It was as if, so simply, he had discarded her to a fire. The thought certainly burned in her like an inferno.

“--How dare you not tell me this, Chao?”

“Please!” He reached out for her, to steal her comfort, but she just increased the distance between them, “Let me tell you everything.”

“What else can it be?!” She gasped, “Is this why you could never see me again? You wanted to just… to just come here, and be in my company, and then be off with your wife?”

“No…”

“Chao… this hurts. This hurts me! What about her? How could you do this to anyone?”

“W-Woman, stop it! Calm down.”

Woman, she spoke it internally, but sneered at him externally. How could this be happening?

“No! I can’t think of a single thing you could say to make this even the slightest bit acceptable. You said you came here to tell me you loved me!”

“Hey!” Said someone, muffled and distant, “Stop yelling…” But these things didn’t stop her from trying to gather up her strewn clothing,

“You’ve said and done so many things… that are just terrible now. I never thought you had this in you.” Her tears from earlier wanted to rear their head, but the fire of her spite evaporated them before they could fall from her face, “Chao, this is terrible. No matter the justification!”

She was ready to run off into the night with her garments so loosely tied to her body, but Chao’s reflexes were keen. A stinging palm wrapped itself around her wrist, stopping her before she could think to go anywhere. The look of betrayal she gifted him was enough to draw tears from his eyes. They’d cried every day, it almost felt like, “Let me go! I don’t want to stay here.”

“I didn’t ask to marry anyone! Please, just listen to me and calm down.”

“Wh…” Confusion replaced the daggers in her eyes, “… What are you trying to say?”

“I didn’t choose this marriage, nor did my… wife-to-be. It was arranged. She was practically sold to be my wife. No process, no discussion between families. if she even has one, and no second opinion to even confirm we might be a match. I don’t know how to stop this from going forward. The first time I’m going to meet her is my wedding day. I can’t stand to think about that…”

“Ch… Chao. You’re being absurd! You’re a grown man.” She managed, though perhaps at his behest, to shake away his hand, “This doesn’t change anything. You didn’t tell me. You’ve been worse than terrible.”

“How was I supposed to tell you? Can you tell me how you would have gone about this situation?” He practically wept his words, stealing pause from her in her anger. She held onto it firmly in the back of her mind though. As much as she could have herself ache for him... Well, she couldn’t say she didn’t feel he deserved it, because her stupid brain was fond of aching for him regardless, “First my mother passes, and then my Master decides it cause for my abuse of my position under him… and then he orders me to bed another woman. Bring me a son better than yourself, so that I may make him more a man than you. What was I supposed to do? I’m worth only the weight of my clan name and nothing else…”

“You tell me before you have sex with me, Chao!”

“You…” He all but fell away from her, collapsing into a sitting position with head cupped in his hand with shoulders shuddering, “That is fair. That’s more than fair… You may leave if you so wish. It’s alright. I expected not to see you again after today, anyway. I can think of no worse fate… for a truly do love you, Huan. More than I have loved any single person or thing. I had every intent to tell you, but…”

But I didn’t know how to speak them out loud, Huan. And I knew I had to. I couldn’t just tell you up here. That wouldn’t have been fair… but I still messed it up. I’ve messed it all up.

As foolish as she felt, as much as she wanted to scream out against his stupidity… that dumb concept Love. It was the antidote to the poison in her words. She shouldn’t love him. He was horrible. He’d been thinking only of himself this whole time. Not once had he consulted her! She was worth so much more than his tears and regrets. She was worth more respect than to be goaded into bed for one last night before he’d be locked away from her. Even if it were her decision, he had to be to blame for all this.

Yet he was still sitting on the floor, his body crumpled up and his tears audible. He was completely without dress. Completely without anything to hide. Every raised scar of his training and travels. Every blemish that marked story he’d ever told about a life lived under a tyrant that had robbed him of his identity so drastically that he had to retreat within…

“As much as you hate me to say it,” She said with a careful growl, “You’re a sixty-year-old man, Chao. You choose who you are to marry. You’re the one who’s playing with my emotions now. Don’t.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t. I just can’t…”

Damn him and his pitiful state, she thought as she ground her teeth, Hate him. Hate what he has done. Talk to him later, at the very least. Don’t have him make you stay.

But he’s never done me true wrong in his life thus far… Another side of her thought back, What would you have done if you were he? You know him better than anyone.

“… Now what would you have me do?” Her expression twisted into some alien, mutated sadness, “Stupid man, crying on the floor. You could have told me this sooner, and it wouldn’t have been so terrible of you.”

“I thought you might… you might turn me away.” He managed to choke out, “I couldn’t bare that. I at least wanted something to remember before I decided this life was too difficult to continue in.”

“Chao…” Damn him and his pitiful state, she thought once again as she dared to take one step towards him, Damn this idiot man, “… Don’t even imply such things. Don’t be a fool.” A brief silence, bar his tears, took her another step closer. As much as she’d admit she’d been slain so easily in this regard, she would still hold her expression like that of a strict school teacher, “Tell me what I can do for you that isn’t unfair to me, stupid man.”

He looked up and through the chaff that was his hair, and behind the mess was a man with even the tiniest hope left. She returned at least to his level, yet not to his side, crouching down and not once breaking her stare with him.

“… I wish I could marry you instead.” He sniffled after a time ogling at her, “I wish I could stay here, and never go back, though… I know he’d find me eventually, and I am no match for him…” Though she winced at his suggestion for more reasons than she even knew, she still set about preening the Wuju Master. Taking his hair and smoothing it behind his ears. Wiping his cheeks with her thumbs. Mending him like a mother might to a child, as much as she still boiled over.

“If you had asked me at any moment other than now.” She replied sternly, “Then maybe I might have even said yes to you.”

“R… Really?”

“Yes, stupid man! After six cycles of the moon proper I would be hard pressed to say no. We play make believe like stupid children, but friends don’t bed each other like this at the very least…”

Suddenly his eyes seemed to gain a distant quality, and once again she noted him to be reading off of invisible parchments. Darting all about and dislodging tears as they welled. She offered no comfort to that, merely crossing her arms and waiting for his readings to come up with something. Eventually he did formulate words, and it was a wonder he was still filled with surprises as he was.

“… Marry me, Huan.”

This was a battle she’d remember all her days. It was her: her form so scantily clad by her garments in her haste to be away from him, and he: a man without a scrap of cloth to protect his jagged scars as all manner of sweat and tears fell upon them.

“No, Chao! What did I just say? You cannot expect me to take you seriously after you have hidden things from me. As hard as they are to say, I thought you respected me more than this.”

“N-No… I mean, you don’t need to marry me. You just need to say you will.”

“I’m not—” His grizzled hands were about her face, racing with his heartbeat. He was learning from her, it almost seemed. Learning how best to keep someone’s attention. As disgusting as it felt to be clutched by tear stained hand, she let it be without even twitching in her hardened expression,

“—Please, let me talk. Just hear me, and decide after. If I… If I take you with me, back home. Back to my Master… If I supersede his wishes with a… stolen bride, I can…”

“You wish to steal me away from here, after all you have said and done?”

“We wouldn’t have to marry!” His Wuju resolve was back, it seemed, and she could only regard it with some respect, “Just pretend. Just make believe, like the stupid children we are. By tradition, he would not be able to deny me, and… He could not deny me in front of everyone. Not when everyone knows the rites too. I could take you with me, organize a wedding for a hundred years from now, and then you may… go back. There is nothing he could do! No one would offer him their daughter for a man who is already bequeathed to another. I’d still be under his rule but... but please Huan. I love you so much…”

“Chao…” His quivering was so apparent against her round features, and she’d damn him now and onwards until he managed to make up for this, “You are asking a lot of me. I can’t just drop everything…” But could she? Everything was so muddled in her mind, “… for you. You can’t ask me of that now.”

“Then I’ll ask you tomorrow, or the next day, or whenever it is you have forgiven me for what it is I’ve done. But I tell no lies to you, Huan. I have tried so hard to be honest. I trust you with everything. I’m desperate. What is next for me if he gets a son from me? I fear for the safety of… everyone. Even if just beyond myself. I fear for the woman promised to me. What if she bares daughters..?”

“… Do you really think so poorly of his character?” She asked, and she regretted asking,

“He grows more unpredictable with every year I serve under him…” Finally, the Wuju Master’s hands fell away, “… I know not what he’ll do anymore. I wouldn’t be so frightened of this wedding otherwise. I wouldn’t even consider being… not being of my body if it were easy. That scares me too. My mind is beyond me right now. I don’t even know what I’m to do for, or to, myself…”

“Are you… You can’t possibly be considering anything so drastic? Don’t say that...” Another question she would regret, for his response sent her face into a contorted mix of emotions,

“What other choice do I have, Huan? I’m tired of being made an example of. I’m tired of threats to my life just because I want to live how I please. All it does is make me realize it’d be easier to cut myself down than to wait for my Master to do it. But it’s a frightening dance. The entire situation truly frightens me… because this, whatever it is we share, is the last hope I have in this life. It… You are the one person, place, and time that makes me feel free of fear, or doubt, or hopelessness. I appreciate you so much, yet I have let you down. You have shown me that this is but a stepping stone to a life I should have, yet it’s as if he knows. He knows there is one thing, somewhere beyond his vision, that keeps me serving under his boot with living breaths… and it is as if he wishes to see me die. If I die, then perhaps he goes on to take others into his world, yet I cannot imagine a life where I continue on wed to someone I have never met. A piece of me feels like he knows that he wins either way, and I’m scared.”

“But really I… I just want to start living my life already.” He shouted the sentence as he caught his head in his hands again, “I’m a sixty-year-old man for the Stars’ sake! I’ve lived too long to even think of dying of anything but old age. I want to take a horse and ride all over the world. I want to go places where they address me by name, like you do, and treat me fairly, like you do. I want to eat good food, and not flinch at the slightest stare my way if I make a sound. I want to write books! Poems, songs, not to perform them but just because I should be so allowed. I want to learn about my magic! I want to learn a musical instrument… but I hate performing. I never want to do it again. I never wish to be paraded like a chained beast in front of people who know better. Not ever again. Not ever again in my life unless it is under my own terms. Does this make sense? Please tell me this makes sense. I don’t know what to do. Help me…”

She said nothing, because what could she say? She didn’t even know what look she gave him as he wailed on, hiccuping and coughing against his sheer woe. Love was so stupid. It compelled her to gather up the strewn aside blanket she had tossed in her frantic effort to dress herself, and it had her drape it over his curled up body. Against all odds, love had her stay a few moments more when she had every right to go, because at the very least love made her a human being.

She truly felt he had tried his hardest, though she might scold herself for the thought later.

When he looked up from his hysterics, she made sure the first thing he saw was her placing her lips upon his forehead. Only so briefly as if to focus him on her words as she mumbled them into his face,

“I love you, Chao. Even when you do these things that hurt me. It still hurts, do you understand that? You should have told me all of this sooner, and perhaps you are playing with my emotions even now. That’s not fair, do you understand?”

“Mhm…” He nodded softly.

“But I am stubborn, so I am going to keep loving you even if it’s bad for me. Even beyond my love for you, no one deserves to think so ill of their own life. Do you understand? You don’t deserve to die for these perfectly reasonable things you want.”

Once again, he nodded.

“But… I’ve always wanted to see your village, Chao.” She said, her lips quirking into a smile upon his brow, and it seemed to straighten his posture, “Ever since you told me about it. I’ve always wanted to visit.”

“Huan..?”

“But if I visit with you, you must promise me no more than a week away from here.” She pulled away, making a vested effort to wrap him twice over in the blanket so that he could not reach for her, “And no wedding. I’ll still not marry you, Master Yi Chao. You must ask me again at another time, when we can both agree.” His eyes pleaded with her to let him out of a prison he could so easily break, but she would not let it be so. All she did was pull back from him all the more, “But I must think this through before I am to trust you fully, do you understand? You are asking of me something so terribly dire… but as I’ve said, I love you and I’m not about to stop, because you and I are quite silly people.”

For a final time, the man nodded, though she wasn’t sure what he was nodding at.

“I’m going to leave now, Chao.” She concluded plainly, “I don’t want you to come find me. I will come here. Do this, and I will ensure to consider everything that has been said tonight. I am here for you, though. I have heard everything you have said, and I don’t want you to leave me. Whether on your horse or… by way of some other means. It would break my heart all the more, though there are many, many other reasons why this thought shouldn’t enter your mind. However, you simply must give me time, okay? Let me take a breath, and then I will dive back into this sea... okay?”

And with that, she departed without ceremony, not even sure she had every article of clothing she had entered with. But she had to give herself this much. She had to challenge her nature somewhere, though within every last one of his words ached in her ears. It was unfair though. All of it. Surely he’d understand once he unraveled himself from the blanket..?

It was closer to morning than the rundown halfway house’s window had indicated to her, and the sun was set to rise by the time she made it back to her school. The odd early rising child was already out to practice their craft when she rushed by them, and they bowed to her astutely when she passed. She said nothing however. Nothing at least until one of her mystic sisters began clicking her tongue at the sight of her disheveled appearance.

“Setting bad examples as always, Huan?” the woman touched her nose with a smirk, “Does Master Yi return you here with well wishings?”

“I don’t want to talk about it…” She mumbled, not stopping in her march. The teacher was quick to ghost her steps though,

“Are you… alright, Huan?”

“Fine.” She tried to gift a smile to her companion, but as soon as she caught their eye she regret it. They looked her up and down as if she’d just come from some sort of arduous battle… which wasn’t exactly inaccurate in her mind. But it was only when they carefully considered her hand did she stop for long enough to be scrutinized.

“… You have a bruise around your wrist.”

“… Do I?” Though it was painfully obvious when the mystic thumbed her arm in her grasp, and a dull ache shot through her senses, “Oh. I wonder where that came from?” Suddenly all humor was gone from the other woman, and Huan quickly whipped her hand away, “It’s fine though! It’s fine. I just need to rest, so would you please let me? I have a lot I need to think about…”

And she was finally let to escape, without once even regarding the concern on the face of her cohort. All she was concerned about was returning to her teacher’s dorm, falling into the excessive amount of blankets she kept, and merely shutting off her mind for a while. Or, at the very least, trying to consider things in simple terms, as if this were a simple thing at all.

What am I to do about you, Chao? Is this fair? What am I to do about me..?

#the hobby project #WUJU THRIVES IN STORY NOW 『Drabbles』#P-P-P-P-Public Transport Drabbles yeeeey #tw #trigger warning #tw: suicide mention #or at least allusions #poor babs #i feel bad for huan because she's just too sympathetic for her own good

1 note · View note

a-writing-bear · 7 years

Text

[PruCan] Chapter 3: Soft-Spoken Calling, They Want Their Shyness Back

Ao3 Link:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11159997/chapters/24905436

This Has been cross-posted onto FF & Ao3 under Aliases: BearBooper

You can read this Fic on tumblr under ‘Keep Reading’

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

Fandom: Hetalia Axis Powers

Main Pairing: Gilbert Beilschmidt & Matthew Williams (Prussia & Canada)

AU: College AU - Art Student Matthew and Media/Film Student Gilbert

Age Rating/Mature: Teen And Up Audiences (12+ due to mentions of mature themes as well as swearing)

Trigger Warnings: None in this chapter (Future addiction to mention themes such as addiction, rape etc.)

“…..Hey! I should hire you to be my animator!”

Gilbert had gushed out the words as If the suggestion held no consequences. It wasn’t easy to agree to accept a role with little to none reward on top of the already exorbitant piles of coursework which tormented any student…that and the pure fact animation took lots of time- time that some would say they did not own or could not conceivably plan out to section off their talents. Art was supposed to be fun, rewarding, fulfilling. It was always an escape for Matthew and to even consider using any free time (something he did not really have nowadays) on projects that weren’t collectively his own sounded like a plunge into self-afflicted failure.

The last time he dabbled in a project that took over his free time, it was a family chore; almost everything involving Alfred felt like a chore. He had been strapped into the position of creating a concept image for another one of that horrible engineering thingy-ma-bobs Alfred designed. No pay and definitely no reward unless you regard crushing hugs and endless “I knew you could do it bro!” as a deserved gift. It was gruelling. It was work, not exactly ‘art’…

Still…This storyboard contained copious amounts of promise, something I haven’t seen in a while. Sure, Results may not prove worthy and it could be an utter failure, heck his ‘director’ might be a hellish nightmare to deal with (‘He reminds me of Alfred…not necessarily a good sign…’) in spite of all of this Matthew’s slight weakness came into play:

Working with Gilbert was a risk.

Danger. Potentially hazardous to his schedule and academic prospects. That sounded hot fun. To the common public, Matthew was unrecognisable. They, understandably, only saw a fellow who resembled a prodigy- the undesirable sibling that was mentioned in a footnote. A small detail in the background of a portrait of someone much more important. If he was noticed and thoroughly acknowledged, the most people understood was that he was soft-spoken, he was very good at art and was respectful of others.

That’s true but horrifically, Matthew was, realistically, extremely bored. Bored and so unmotivated for anything but art. The craving for something more than just paint on a basic canvas was evident, and his creative mind had been screeching for something more tantalisingly sustaining. Call it what you may, sadistic to his sleep and/or work process or a terrible decision to his report card, Matthew loved risky things. Like hockey.

Maybe that’s why he liked art? His parents responded negatively to his progression into art as it seemed dangerous; a traditional occupation like becoming doctor was bound to be a safe job prospect rather than a ‘starving’ artist. It held so much value. And once again…

Gilbert was a Risk.

That was a factor that changed his hesitant decision to not take the job, taking up the offer seemed like the only real choice. Being slightly ‘unsafe’ sounded…unchained. Of course he would have rules and deadlines but still, it was a creative process that he could let take over his uninterested mind. He was going to do it.

“Okay. Yeah that-That sounds good-“

“Wait?! Really Holy shit danke!”

“I didn’t finish” Matthew's voice had taken a more serious tone as he announced his guidelines, “If I agree, I want something in return and I want a freer rein on your story. I want to be able to change some scene ideas, we work as equals on this or else I don’t do it.”

The media student blinked in reply blankly before nodded his head in understanding,

“…so Mattie, What do you want in return?”

Contemplating on what he wanted, the blonde man debated over what could be a gain from Gilbert. At first, he pondered over getting the media student to buy his coffee every morning so he wouldn’t have to leave his bed early but the responsible voice in his head told him that would be stupid. Laundry after his hockey would be useful but then again, it would be weird having someone know about his hockey obsession in detail...He doubted the paler man knew any good weed dealer so that was out of the picture (Besides, his Dutch childhood friend, Tim, already sources that for Matthew).…that and a near-to-stranger acquaintance should definitely not be involved with his- rather unsavoury- habits

“Can I use you as a Model?”

If it was possible to be strangled by silence, Matthew would have been killed that very moment. In the process of getting ready to blurt out a very traditional Canadian ‘sorry, it’s alright to say no’ Gilbert had narrowed his eyes before eerily nodding for himself as if he had just made a deal with a devil he might regret years down the line. The two boys scrambled to sorting through the intricate plan that the albino has created, marking key scenes and a draft template Matt would draw digitally later on in the ‘calmer’ hours of Friday- if anything like that actually existed, Matthew had convinced himself that the paper drawing would be relatively smooth-sailing to replicate. Sharing toothy grins and even the occasional shuffle and chuckle over new concepts, excitedly the boys exchanged numbers and sorted out deadline dates.

Conversations on 'actual' work diminished and at some point, Matthew’s unfinished summer painting was forgotten; as well as Gilbert’s laptop lid closing, the entire device tucked and buried under paperwork. Bands, Movies and stories flew from each other’s heads into the reciprocating ears back and forth. It felt natural. It felt comforting. It felt nice. Just occupying the former exhaustion of usual loneliness with new found company felt indulgent, really this was something the blonde had been yearning for the past few isolated months (He had friends just not those who were exactly ‘easy’ to talk to). As the boys fondly conversed over everyday idle chat the soft beat of Motion City's Soundtrack 'The Future Freaks Me out' played on- Just as Mattie Noticed from the band shirt, Gilbert had the same taste in music. The thrill of it all sounded lame when he realised he was excited over having a decent conversation, at this point 'what could really get in the way of this perfect afternoon of random sketching and laughable jokes?'

“Heyyyyyy sib….so I was wond-“ Well. The peace lasted while it could. A drastically loud boisterous voice pierced through the solace. Midway the voice seemed to die and as Matthew looked up he realised his newfound peace would be ruined for the rest of the evening, at least that's what could be interpreted when he witnessed his brother's expression:

"WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?" Alfred had choked out and had nearly completely crumpled whatever paper he had been holding. Wincing at the aggressive yet usually intrusive nature and tone of his brother Matthew leant forward with head in his hands and let out what could only describe as a disappointed moan and sgot up stumbling towards his brother.

"Has anyone ever uprightly told you how dramatic you are? I doubt Arth-"

“HEY HEY NO WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING ARTHUR RIGHT NOW-MATTIE WHAT IS HE DOING IN HERE?!”

If anything, Gilbert was less insulted by being referred to as ‘he’, the majority of his feeling of discomfort stemmed from the fact Alfred never mentioned he had a cute ass brother. Tempted to interject the one-sided conversation, he spectated the two squabbling siblings with the cuter one physically holding Alfred at the door by the shoulders. Wait- Is Matthew Canadian?- Actually, that's a stupid question of course he is...It was obvious considering the boy's room was adorned with RED fucking EVERYWHERE, the occasional hockey sweater on the wall and crooked postcards of typical tourist hotspots like Niagara Falls (Not to mention Canadian flags on any item possible as if some cheesy gift Canadian tourist gift shop- Gilbert had noticed even the abandoned pens on the desk had maple leaf emblems)

But that didn't really add up. The media major tried to do the calculations in his head:

Alfred = American? Yes That's right...

Matthew = Canadian? Well duh, they discussed that earlier and the room...

Matthew = Alfred Brother???

"Um So...if Mattie is Canadian then how is Alfred Americ-"

"IT'S A FAMILY THING" Both of the two mumbled out as they continued to fuss over each other. Finally, Matthew had stopped Alfred rude gawking and had started lecturing Al over god-knows-what.

*Buzz* *Buzz*

From his jeans pocket, the Prussian could feel the 'so-very-important' calls of his younger brother, deciding that continuing his project with Matthew would be hopeless with both Alfred and an impatient Ludwig he promptly decided to slip out passed Alfred and bid farewell to the cutie from the room next door. Was I imagining it or was Matthew blushing? Oh verdammt.

#prucan #aph canada #aph prussia #SoftSpokenCalling #prussia x canada #hetalia #hetalia axis powers #Hetalia Fanfiction #fanfic #multific #college au #alternate universe

0 notes

murasaki-murasame · 7 years

Text

Danganronpa V3 Liveblog Part 11 [Chapter 3 - Trial]

I probably should have left this for tomorrow but oh well, here we are.

Thoughts under the cut.

First of all, I basically failed this trial at least three times because I kept running out of health, but APPARENTLY the ‘retry’ option just takes you back to the start of the section you were stuck on and gives you most of your health back. That sure would have been nice to know back in chapter two. I could have avoided replaying half of that case’s trial if I knew that. I thought that the retry option reset the entire trial, especially since I’m pretty sure the ‘prepare and retry’ option takes you back to the start of it. At least, it takes you back to the screen you’re at right before the trial starts. Maybe I was wrong, since in chapter two I just backed out and reloaded my save instead of making sure whether or not I really was being reset to the start of the trial, but still. Oh well. It’s not a major complaint.

Anyway, that aside, this sure was a trial. I don’t know if it’s because I decided to do it at 1am again instead of just waiting until tomorrow, but in terms of logic difficult, this was probably the hardest trial thus far. I’m not kidding when I said that I ran out of health several times, even with the skill that gives me the max amount of health.

The weird part about it is that I was more or less spoiled on this chapter in advance. Or, well . . . it’s not that I knew Kiyo was this chapter’s culprit, but I knew that he was going to be a culprit at some point, since before I even played the game, youtube decided to recommend me one of those ‘all murders and execution’ videos that had his face on the thumbnail. Well, I guess it was his sister’s face, but you get what I mean. Same difference. So I knew that he was going to be a killer eventually, I just didn’t know when. I had to awkwardly keep it a secret this whole time just in case anyone was reading these posts without having played the entire game.

Just to get it out in the open, there’s one other character who I know dies at some point [not sure if they’re a victim or a killer for sure, though], and I think I may have gotten more or less spoiled by what was labeled as a ‘spoiler-free review’ of the game, but I’ll keep quiet about that one until it comes up. I’ll continue to dance around those two spoilers I’m aware of in these posts, but I’m pretty sure that those are the only two spoilers I’ve read in reference to deaths in this game. Every other death should hopefully be a surprise to me.

But back onto my main point, I knew that Kiyo was going to be a culprit eventually, and it was a major reason why I suspected him immediately [though he was pretty suspicious anyway], but somehow this entire trial was still genuinely difficult for me to get through. I ran into so many points where I was completely unsure what the answer was, or what the game expected from me. And since I didn’t know which exact chapter Kiyo was a culprit in, I had the lingering doubt in my mind that maybe he wasn’t the killer yet. This is why I also got thrown off by the possibility of there being two killers involved, since it kinda partially invalidated by spoiler, or at least it seemed to at the time. I guess in the end there wasn’t a second killer, and my initial instincts were right, but this trial really put me through the motions of doubting those instincts to the very end.

It may have been because I held back on thinking too hard about the mechanics of the case since I didn’t want to work it all out in advance, especially since I probably knew who the killer was, but basically every aspect of the actual mechanics of how these murders happened was a real surprise to me.

I guess my main issue was that since Kiyo was so immediately obvious in every way, with the katana being from his room and the seance being his idea, and him being one of the first suspects pointed at, I just kinda assumed that he was being set up as an innocent scapegoat. So basically I got stuck in a loop of metagame-y logic, yet again, and it made me spend the entire time agonizing over whether or not my instincts were right. The game sure picked the perfect time to deviate from the pattern of the true culprit only being suspected in the second half of the trial. I got so used to that set-up that I started immediately ignoring any character who gets suspected early in the trial. But it makes sense that at least one chapter would involve a killer who’s obvious enough to be guessed at the start.

It also lead to me inaccurately doubting Kaito for a second time, but at least this time I was never super confident in suspecting him, since absolutely nothing in this entire case directly pointed at him, aside from him being kinda shady and reclusive lately. So I don’t feel TOO bad about suspecting him a bit.

Even though it’s always sad to feel like this sort of thing got spoiled in advance, I’m happy that Kiyo was the culprit. Now I don’t have that spoiler hanging over my head for the rest of the game. I would have been horrible if he ended up, say, being the chapter five killer, in which case there would have been no doubt about him being the killer then, since chances are there won’t be any murder mystery cases after chapter five. So it’s better that it happened when there was still a chance of my instincts being incorrect. Which worked out for the best, since in spite of me being sort of spoiled about it, this chapter ended up being incredibly difficult for me because of that possibility of being wrong.

Of course there’s still that one aforementioned spoiler that may or may not be pretty directly spelling out one of the final killers, buuuut let’s not talk about that one for now.

I really did get put through the motions of genuinely suspecting a wide variety of people, especially in the context of if there had been two separate killers. I suspected Keebo until they spelled out why his flashlight wouldn’t have worked, which was a concept that I hadn’t really considered, I even suspected Miu for a fair bit, I almost got caught up in the idea that Tenko killed herself, which made me wonder if maybe she’d killed Angie, and I even seriously wondered whether or not Himiko really was the one to kill Tenko, though I feel pretty bad about that one now. And obviously I always suspected Kaito in the back of my mind. Kiyo just felt way too obvious for most of the trial.

I’m not really sure how I didn’t guess the whole trick with the identical rooms, and the purpose of the missing support beam. I think that if I’d given myself more time to think about it, I maybe would have figured it out, but I didn’t.

I still feel a bit . . . iffy about the seesaw trick, since I find it hard to believe that Kiyo wouldn’t have, for example, tripped over and messed up the magic circle, or broken the floorboard. And unless my memory is wrong of how it was laid out, it’s surprising that having the entire floorboard move didn’t displace any of the salt. So that part of it still feels weird to me, but I’m willing to suspend my disbelief on that one. The crimes can’t all be perfect. And at least to balance it out, I’m totally on board with the logic behind everything surrounding Angie’s death. That was all surprisingly easy. I dunno how I didn’t figure out the really simple way Kiyo set up the sword to push the lock. Maybe it just seemed too . . . simple? I dunno.

So the actual mechanics of how the case worked were a bit of a surprise to me, and that lead to the logic part of the trial being really difficult. It’s hard to remember all of it, but a lot of the different sections gave me a lot of trouble. For example, both of the hangman’s gambit games were weirdly difficult [at least the seesaw effect one was], I fucked up twice on the psyche taxi part, the rebuttal showdown parts were all kinda difficult in general, and I lost once at the scrum debate part. Though really, from what I remember, the most difficult part was when you have to lie about Tenko’s final moments. The idea of lying in trials is still so . . . weird to me, I basically never even consider it. I tried literally every single possible usage of every truth bullet they gave me, and lost all my health once, before realizing that the game expected me to lie, after I’d done every other option available to me. I kinda thought I was going nuts. But it worked out in the end, I guess.

Also I still suck so much at the Argument Armament, even with two skills dedicated to making it easier. Rhythm games are my worst enemy. Oh, and on the subject of skills, I also managed to squeeze in the one about making truth bullets faster, since I managed to get enough levels right before heading into the trial. That was good.

Oh, and before I forget, Keebo’s image recording function felt a little bit asspull-y, but oh well, it’s not a huge deal. And also I’m not even gonna comment on the reason why Miu designed it for him.

Before I talk about Kiyo, I just wanna say that I’m happy Himiko’s getting some actual development out of this. That’s good. Hopefully she doesn’t get killed off immediately after this. I’m starting to like her.

Anyway, onto the whole elephant in the room known as Kiyo. I was definitely expecting to get a killer soon who would be unanimously ‘evil’ in motive, to balance out the more sympathetic first two killers, but man was I not expecting how nuts he ended up being. His whole motive reminds me a fair bit of Tsumiki’s from DR2. It also helps that they were both the chapter three killers of their respective games.

I still kinda dislike it when murderers in games like this are ‘just crazy’, but I guess I can’t expect all of them to be sympathetic.

It was still a surprise to hear that he had no real desire to leave, and mostly just wanted to kill. That certainly was disturbing.

And on that note, jesus christ I wasn’t expecting this game to get into incest territory, and Kiyo’s delusional murder spree. Wow. I did not see that one coming at all. I don’t even know what to say about it. They really did everything in their power to make him unsympathetic and evil, huh?

In terms of that little post-credits scene of sort, I really hope that isn’t blatant foreshadowing for Kaito becoming a killer in a desperate attempt to escape from the school before he dies from whatever illness he seems to have. I was suspicious of his illness this entire time, since it obviously wasn’t just him being spooked out by ghost stories. It’d be lame if they signaled the idea of him being a killer so far in advance though, and in such a blunt way. We’ll see, I guess. Maybe it’s intentional on the game’s part, that it’s so obvious. If he does end up being a killer, maybe it’s not meant to be a surprise. Who knows.

In general, I have no real idea what to expect from here. Technically we still have nearly half of the game to go, which is weird to consider. And then there’s bonus stuff. I think I’ll probably continue liveblogging through all of whatever bonus post-game stuff we get. Depending on how it goes, I’ll try and avoid using any spoiler-y post titles.

Overall, this was a really bizarre chapter. I kinda sorta knew who it was in advance, and their motive [plus a few details of the crimes] felt a little weak, but at the same time this was undeniably the most difficult trial in terms of how much I fucked it up. It’s a weird situation. I’m not sure how to feel about it.

#murasaki rambles #danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #danganronpa v3 spoilers

0 notes