#because I can’t stand myself

[time-slink]

failed invis

#my art #ethoslab #trafficblr #secret life #messy as hell so in case u can’t tell: this is when he went red; he’s standing in a river #only let myself spend about an hour on this because anything more would’ve hurt my brain #(i know he just couldn’t unequip his shield in time shhh artistic liberty X)) #you ever get an image so strong you have to get it out of your head somehow. yeah

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[compacflt]

what are bradley’s earliest memories of ice and mav? the bits of his perspective on them that you’ve written are so fascinating

fairly unsurprising answer but: ice: when he came to see Carole to apologize for killing goose in ch 2 of wwgattai (sets the tone of their relationship)

mav: something very benign like mav doing magic tricks for him as a little little kid. you know how your earliest memories are always a little fuzzy and always afternoon sunshine? imagine a desaturated maverick sitting crosslegged in the grass in pale afternoon southern california sunshine showing Bradley how he can detach his thumb from his hand and then put it back again. no blood, no bone, no pain, and he’s got this daredevil grin like he’s enjoying separating his thumb from his hand. can’t see his eyes behind his aviators. the best magicians are the ones who can make even their pain disappear. or, playing “got your nose,” holding Bradley’s nose up so he can see it right in front of his very eyes, NO PAIN!, and then making it disappear. “where’d your nose go, Gosling? oh, my gosh, I lost your nose!! how’re you gonna smell? i bet you’re gonna smell bad. get it? get it? —here it is, i found it, don’t worry, it’s all good!” and putting his nose back so everything’s ok. that’s Bradley’s earliest memory of mav.

#Bradley’s nose (mavs thumb) is a foreshadowing metaphor for the academy here obviously #this is just my conjecture as a californian kid who was many times duped by the thumb trick myself. #You know where they screw it off and it really looks convincing #im closer to 10 years old than i am to 31 😞 ten years ago today i was at my little baseball summer camp :) in third grade #pete maverick mitchell #tom iceman kazansky #bradley rooster bradshaw #top gun #asks #also ive had this little scene where he drives to their house in his moms car after some late high school event #only to find ice & mav passed out on the couch together at 9:30 at night with the tv still playing #because mav had made a home between ices arms and (tired fighter pilot after long day of drills) fell asleep there and what #was ice supposed to do; wake up an exhausted American hero & push him away? no. this isn’t so bad. —and then accidentally fell asleep too. #and bradleys just standing there in his homecoming tux going ‘oh this is real. oh they really are. oh. ok i will let them sleep.’ #and sneaking back into his moms car to go to his own house for once. #i can’t find anywhere to put that scene so you’re getting it in the tags of this post

[river-of-wine]

A bonus Molly sketch from my gilded cage things! Given the circumstances for Molly in particular during chapter 4 and the fact that Dutch being the way he is would likely just use her as an accessory for the evening I can’t imagine her having a good time, but at least the dress is pretty

#rdr2 #molly o’shea #I’ve thought about this a lot #she would not get a second away from him I’m sure #he can’t stand her even breathing the wrong way around him at that point but having a woman with him would make him seem less suspicious #which is a big thing during that mission #so molly would just be hanging onto his arm all evening unable to go anywhere or speak to anyone by herself #I’d get into how she would also not be received well by many people there especially if she approached them alone #because she is Irish and these are a bunch of rich people and it is 1899 #I have a lot to say about the importance of molly being an Irish immigrant as an Irish person myself #but I don’t feel like giving a history lesson here #so to condense my thoughts a little molly would have been stuck with Dutch the entire evening #surrounded by people who probably have an inherent dislike for her once they hear her speak #or ignore her in favour of whatever Dutch is saying #which is pretty similar to how the gang already treats her #so even once she finally leaves camp it’s just the same #there is more I could say especially regarding the dress itself but that’s too long to write here #fanart #digital art #sketches #my art

[ailani-reillata]

I love you all so much and I’m so endlessly thankful for your support and constant compassion, and this has nothing to do with you guys, but I don’t know how long I can keep posting weekly. I hate staring at my own work and I kinda feel like I just need this slow posting to be over, I just want it all posted and over right now BUKSBKJXBKJSBKH

#I knew this would happen #I know myself too well and I can’t stand myself HKJSHSJKNKJSH #I won’t do it because I know that would be overwhelming #But like. #idk people who are into long fics will read it and people who aren’t won’t so #Idk #im overwhelmed not posting it KUHSKJBSKJBS #Slow posting gives me time to doubt myself

[ayo-its-monsterchomper]

no, because it’s so embarrassing finding out you’re a monster fucker and gender fluid in the same month

#i cant elaborate on this any further #like i can’t even have a gender that’s ‘normal’ #this is a rant to myself about myself #the embarrassing part doesn’t apply to literally anyone else who is somehow going through the same thing #it’s only embarrassing when i do it #and i stand by that #text post #monster fucker #:) #gender #gender fluid #gender queer #lgbtq #funnyhaha #but not that funnyhaha because rip me

[johnsheppard-assshaker]

John Sheppard gets about 2% sexier every season and I think part of it is the ever-increasing sadness in his eyes

#sga #Stargate atlantis #like season one it’s like ‘wow this is fun I’m in space and I have a bunch of cool new friends’ #ans season two it’s ‘damn I guess I have to be responsible and shit but at least I’ve got my friends’ #and season three it’s ‘damn I really care about my friends and it sucks to see them almost die every day’ #and season four it’s ‘bro I will literally ask a man to commit suicide because I love my friends that much. what the fuck is wrong with me’ #and season five it’s ‘the love I have for these people is so deeply ingrained in me and I’m terrified I’m going to have to watch all of them #die and it will be my fault and I can’t stand the thought of that so im going to emotionally distance myself because it hurts too much’ #John sheppard go to therapy challenge

[anthonycrowley]

‘well punk is rooted in socialist beliefsssssss’ okay cool. call yourself a socialist and get out of my music subgenre

#text #my post #mobi #it’s sort of a all punks are socialists (or at least should be because yes in practice that’s not necessarily what happens) #but not all socialists are punks. which is fine. like everyone wants to be a cool kid but you do actually have to listen to the music to #call yourself a fan of the music. sorry. i don’t know why this is like. mean to say. #like idk! i don’t even call MYSELF a punk because i don’t live the aesthetic all the time! #like i listen to the music and am involved in some scenes a bit but even ME. WHO LIKES AND IS ON SOME LEVEL INVOLVED WITH LIKING THE MUSIC #even i’m like yeah but am i a punk??? and at that point i KNOW ohhhhhh being kind is punk letting sunshine flow out of your ass is punk #crowd sure as shit isn’t. okay. sorry. done. #edit: some people in the notes are pointing out the subculture =/= the music genre and there are people who don’t or can’t listen to music #who are involved. this is all true! i apologize for not including this in my discussion #and that is true. obviously. however i need to point out once again that those people do PICK UP AESTHETICS and are involved in the spaces #and movement so my point still stands. sorry for leaning so heavily on the music aspect my b

[sallytwo]

every 3-6 months my opinon on nick locarno does a complete 180. it’s like hey buddy ✌️😁

#and that false friend kept his back turned…. #here’s what it boils down to #1) pilots and esp young hotshot jet pilots are supposed to be reckless and fun and dangerous. read the right stuff #and if they get killed it’s just cuz ‘they didn’t have what it takes’ you constantly have to prove yourself. READ THE RIGHT STUFF #2) this in general is demonstrated in starfleet cuz the officers that take big risks are the ones who get rewarded for it. we see that in tn #except none of the ‘heros’ ever die or get reprimanded for their choices. cuz they always end up okay #2) nick is like 21-22 and it seems unfair to judge him super hardly for the accident #because it’s DEMONSTRATED that starfleet actively encourages this type of behavior in officers and that definetly bleeds over to the cadets #3) and well. we’ve gotten to the biggest one. even if rationally he should be a sympathie character that i can forgive. #the thing is. that you look up to your cadet officers like they are your whole entire world. they’re your leaders you’d do anything for them #but they’re also your friends. and even if nick is in the clear. i cannot for the life of me imagine being betrayed like that #BY specifically your squad leader. like with officers it’s impartial they don’t realllyyyy care about you. BUT A CADET OFFICER. #YOURE SUPPOSED TO TRUST THEM THWYRE SUPPOSED TO STAND BY YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!!! ugh #which is why first duty is sooo rough for me cuz like. man you can’t not empathize with wesley there i can’t imagine if that happened to me #i would kill myself for real. anyway. moral of this is i’m a nick hater again hashtag hater

[sbc-moved]

I am sick again. This is really negative and super weird so feel free to not read ^_^ I’m going fucking bananas !!! If you see this post. No you fucking do not and I’m actually SO normal and there is nothing wrong with me.

I am not. À jealous person.

Okay actually I am lying I am the most jealous person you will probably ever meet. And it is so ugly btw.

I’m not sure if I even wanna post this because it feels awful to admit but like. Having a popular f/o can realllly suck. It can really suck so hard. Too many people like him and it’s driving me mad.

And this is about him btw. It’s always about him. It’s never not about him.

Like on one hand. I’m so glad that I can go anywhere and there’s a 90% chance I’ll see him at a store, merch is easy to find, he’s in so many games, he’s in movies and tv and videos and art. I see him everywhere. I take him everywhere I go. I’m so glad people are passionate about the same thing I’m passionate about.

But I also can’t stand it. Not at all. I’m so protective of my interests. He’s always been such an important part of my life, from when I was just some hopeless little girl he was all I had and he’s all I have now and he’s so important to me you can’t take him away from me. it feels like You are touching my stuff and you will NEVER understand him the way I do and I literally have no right to feel that way and I’m sorry. But he’s mine. He’s mine and I can’t help it.

I’ve just been feeling so awful recently and it’s like I can’t get away from these ugly feelings and I’m so sorry. But I’ve been so angry. I’m so angry at everyone who likes him and I can’t help it and I’m so sorry. I bite.

I do not expect anyone to get it. I’m not well I’m not healthy and there’s something wrong with me. Blame it on the misfortune of my birth (gundam quote because even when I’m depressed and losing my mind I have to be funny as fuck)

#like I have. psychological issues. #the things that happened to me when I was a kid have melded my brain in such a terrible way #*molded #maybe it’s just the autism idk #i think i might step away from tumblr for a minute. just because i genuinely feel like I’m losing it #I am declining at a frightening rate and I can’t stand seeing things I don’t want to #I just need a break. I need to take some time for myself to calm down and chill out #I’m so sorry to everyone #I’m sorry I can’t be normal. but I’m really trying. #Mario #⭐️🍄you’re my superstar #cw jealousy #? #cw vent #♡.bullet proof heart #♡.love letters

[thebaffledcaptain]

I’m going to sound like a filthy british bastard by saying this but one of the things I think turns me away from this heavily fandomized tumblrification of the american revolution is genuinely the lack of british perspectives. I obviously don’t fault tumblr for this being the case (it goes without saying that it is a far deeper issue than just that… cough cough american nationalism and exceptionalism and the effect that has on the media) but in spaces like this there really just isn’t… any nuance at all to this conflict which was so undeniably nuanced in so many ways. it’s all about gay founding fathers and cool spies which. I understand the appeal but at a certain point I’m genuinely not sure how much of it we can call history

#one of the reasons I don’t have qualms with amrev reenactment is because it was almost entirely a political conflict #you can make arguments for both sides #which is part of why I reenact british #but beyond my general interest in british military history that I don’t see here #amrev tumblr is just a standing testament to the way historical media has been americanized #I don’t particularly associate myself with either side of the war because of this nuance #I don’t feel like any of us are really in a relevant position #but it’s much deeper than ‘british bad america freedom’ etc etc #either way #daily reminder that i am a redcoat bastard #if only because it represents another perspective on this deeply nuanced period of history #there is way more to talk about here but I can’t keep doing it in the tags #amrev #I feel like I’m just the daily killjoy in the amrev tag sorry lmao #historyposting #this is your captain speaking #historyroasting #awi

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Me: you know tbh I haven’t rly experienced a lot of speech loss or sensory issues, sometimes I can handle my sensory triggers fine, maybe it’s weird that I have an AAC, maybe I don’t need it and I’m just faking all my symptoms and if I pushed through it-

*fire alarm sounds*

*literally crumples into a ball on the floor with my ears covered, cannot move for several minutes despite desperately trying to, cannot talk for over an hour*

Me: …okay so maybe that was the internalized ableism talking

#I am so sorry to my friend who I was visiting #who also cannot stand fire alarms #who had to open the doors and air out the house because I physically could not move #I was sitting there the whole time thinking ‘why can’t I just move’ #‘I’m being so selfish I know my friend really struggles with the noise’ #‘I need to get up and help air out the house’ #nothing worked. I couldn’t move until the sound was gone and had been gone for a while #if I was really making it up I would have gotten up and helped my friend but I physically could not #I haven’t reacted to a fire alarm that way in a long time #but this is also the first time in a long time I haven’t had my ear guards handy #weird how that works /sarcasm. almost like the accommodations actually affect my ability to function or something. #it was so weird I literally just. crumpled. it was standing up to in a ball on the floor in a second. scared myself. #but it was okay I calmed down eventually and drank some water and watched some DND and was able to calm down enough to move and talk #and feel pretty okay when I went home #blue chatter

[trashbaget]

tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”

#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with #but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this #i can’t just. talk to the guy #if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that #i can barely even say hello to him #don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like #ah fuck there he is #okay you can do it just say hi #just say what’s up #and then he’s already gone #also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin #ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍 #but like. ​i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction #or like. an actual conversation. #which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or #i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what) #anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴 #i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at #least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.) #anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault #too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair #but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side #where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20 #mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡 #but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number #who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21 #his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦 #cheers to being fools universe

[the-casbah-way]

grabs my computer screen and starts shaking it how to cure gender dysphoria HOW TO CURE GENDER DYSPHORIA

#kidding theres no way to fix it when it’s like this #everything i’d normally do to alleviate it makes it worse when it’s this bad #because it’s like wow look at you trying so embarrassingly hard to not look disgusting and failing miserably #i had to cancel my plans yesterday and today because girl i can’t go outside when i feel like this i can’t even get out of bed #looking at myself makes me want to VOMIT why do i look like this #i look back on old pictures of myself and try to work out what was different back then so i can replicate it #but people say i look exactly the same in those photos as i do now #and i remember taking those old photos and feeling ugly and dysphoric back then too #if i lean back into my more cis look i’ll get gendered correctly again which i want #but i don’t like playing cis man it’s not who i am and it makes me feel weird and gross #i just hate what i look like no matter what i do to my appearance #every single part of my physical self makes me feel really ill and anxious and bad and guilty #there’s not a single bit of me i can stand to look at when i feel like this #i feel like everyone who has ever seen me thinks i’m disgusting and ugly and horrible to look at #and i want to like hide forever but i can’t #it’s so hard to function like this #i hate everything about me so much #someone affirm my stupid dumb ass gender right fucking now i’m going to die

[whumpy-wyrms]

rereading TLLR for like the first time and damn this series is amazing it’s got all my favorite tropes and everything wow the author sure has good taste. wait i wrote this? i wrote this???? that’s so crazy

#/pos #i love tllr so much guys #woahhh #i literally can’t stand rereading my old writing but i’m forcing myself because otherwise i literally forget what i wrote #i’m actually cryinf guys i love basil so much WHY DID I DOOO THATTTTT #anton’s giving me some emotional support it’s okay #also i’m editing it as i go. just correcting spelling/grammar/punctuation mistakes because. wow there was a lot #how did i get away with that huh #wyrms says stuff #it has all my favorite tropes on purpose that’s the point