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iamtheblondestblonde · 4 years

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Temptation

AN: I... I don’t even know what to say except for I’m so sorry? We had some tech issues at work today and I had this idea while I waited and it didn’t fit with Slides so here’s some plot with porn at the end with Mat? I wrote this in first person narrative but there’s no name or description in it. Also this is my first time writing anything like this and I didn’t spend much time proof-reading so please don’t judge too harshly

AN 2: I wrote a sequel called No Control and you can find it here so please check it out!!

Word count: 7.4k (things escalated what can I say..)

Warnings: cursing and smut, like really explicit content

He was only wearing a towel. Again. Seeing him walking around in nothing but shorts was already bad enough but this was on a whole other level.

When Mat had first invited me to come with him to his lake house by Vancouver to wait this mess out I had been thrilled. Fancy lake house overlooking the water with my best friend definitely sounded better than stuffy Brooklyn apartment in a city crammed with thousands of people infected.

Thankfully my online classes made the journey across the country possible and I only had to fly back for a short while to take my final exams. This wasn’t really how I envisioned my summer after graduating college but it could be worse I guess.

As I took a look at him all glistening wet from his shower on his way over to me by the kitchen island, I felt like I was trapped in an episode of temptation island or something like that.

Neither of us had expected this lockdown to last this long and almost two months of being holed up together was starting to take its toll. I’d known for a fact that I’d go batshit crazy if I were to stay with my own family or my crazy roommate though so his offer had truly been godsend. With the fancy club I usually waitressed at closed there was no way I’d be able to pay for my rent either, so I’d given my landlord my notice, put everything that I wouldn’t take with me in storage and followed Mat across the country.

His family was supposed to be up here with us and that way I’d have his sister as a distraction, but they’d decided to stay in the city, meaning it was only Mat and I. And my sexual frustration.

It didn’t help that my quarantine buddy looked like a fucking Greek god either. Any nun would probably go for him as well, frustrated or not. And I was definitely not a nun.

“Do you want to go paddle boarding after breakfast? The water shouldn’t be too cold today with the sun out.”

I looked out through the large floor to ceiling windows at Mat’s question, I’d been so distracted by him running around practically naked that I hadn’t even noticed that for the first time in three days there were almost no clouds visible. With May well underway British Columbia was apparently finally getting ready for summer.

“Yeah let’s do it. I still have to respond to a couple of emails before we leave tho.”

He took a look over my shoulder at my laptop, water droplets from his hair falling down my neck making me squirm.

“You’re getting me all wet”, I huffed before giving him a shove. Not thinking about the way his muscular shoulders felt underneath my fingers at all. Definitely not thinking about that. Nope.

“You’re the first girl I’ve ever heard complain about that you know?” He winked at me before throwing his head back in laughter as I flipped him off. The flirty banter that had been going on between us ever since we met almost two years ago wasn’t really helping my case either.

I was convinced the only reason why we hadn’t hooked up yet was terrible timing. We’d met at a time when both of us were seeing others and by the time we both were single again the previous months of platonic friendship had set our relationship in stone, never allowing for anything more than playful flirting and teasing. I’d thought about it for a couple of times, because honestly who wouldn’t with the way he looked?

Mat filled a cup with coffee and grabbed some of the breakfast I’d prepared before pulling out the chair next to me, looking at me expectantly. I was still munching on the remainder of my overnight oats so it took me a couple of seconds to swallow before I could ask what the hell he was waiting for.

“For you to finish whatever it is that you need to do. I have nothing else to do”

“I can’t concentrate with you hovering over me like this. Go work out or something.”

Mat had a really nice gym set up in one of the rooms and let me tell you if I had to pick one place to plank for the rest of the life, it would definitely be in there so I could at least watch the calming water while I died such a slow painful death.

“I already worked out, that’s why I just got out of the shower.”

“Well then put some fucking clothes on, you’re not some cave man who can get away with only wearing a loincloth”, I exclaimed, slowly getting flustered with him in such close proximity while knowing that one tuck could expose him completely. He cackled but got up nevertheless, making his way back towards his bedroom.

“Me being naked is yet another thing no one has ever complained about either, you wound me.”

“I’m sure Tito would disagree!”, I yelled, desperate to have the last word so I could at least keep some semblance of control in this situation. I could hear him laugh all the way from the other end of the house and quickly shook my head so I could finally get some things sorted out before he got back.

With the way the sun was shining right now I could probably get away with wearing only a t shirt over my swimsuit, which was a lot better than the full-on wetsuit we’d donned whenever we’d spent our time doing any water activities over the past few weeks. Although Mat in a wetsuit was truly a sight to see, with the way the fabric clung to him so tight that you could see every ridge of his muscles underneath.

I hustled through my emails, ready to relax for the day. Perhaps I could even start on my summer tan already, being out on the water always sped things up. Thankfully I’d bothered to bring lots of clothes and a bit of online shopping had closed any gaps that I had in my wardrobe, this bikini being one of the new acquirements as well. It was super cute and my butt looked really good in it and it would look even better once I finally got my tan going.

Mat was already lounging on the couch in the living room, scrolling through his phone and looking annoyingly perfect as ever. I knew for a fact that he hadn’t done anything with his hair and it looked so soft that I just wanted to push my hands through it. And pull it until he groaned.

“That one’s new”, he immediately said once he lifted his gaze to look at me, pulling me out of my fantasies. I hadn’t put my shirt on yet so he was getting the full view of me in the bikini, which might have been on purpose. I knew that quarantine must be getting to him as well and he wasn’t the only one that could be a tease.

I nodded, biting my lip before twirling around so he could get all angles. “You like?”

This bikini was a little bit skimpier than the ones he’d seen me in before and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wasn’t as relaxed at the sight as he pretended to be. Finally.

We grabbed our paddles and boards and slowly made our way out on the water. It still took me a couple of minutes to find my balance, no matter how many times I’d done this before but eventually I managed, Mat now slightly ahead of me. If I had my phone with me I would definitely take pictures of him right now, they’d be outdoor magazine worthy.

“Come on slow poke, what’s keeping you?”, he yelled over his shoulder and I was tempted to splash him but I already knew that that would end up in a fight I couldn’t possibly win so I only stuck my tongue out before working to catch up.

At first we kept close to the shore but eventually we slowly made our way out farther onto the lake, laying down on our boards to enjoy the gentle up and down of the water. The sun was hotter than anticipated so both Mat and I ended up taking off our shirts and using them as pillows instead. I closed my eyes to keep me from staring at him, instead relishing in the way the sun warmed my face.

“This is what life should always be like”, Mat sighed contently, breaking the comfortable silence.

“You’d miss hockey eventually. You belong on the ice.”

“Probably. But right now I’m not missing a thing ‘cause I got everything I need right here.”

I didn’t want to look at him out of fear of what I might see on his face, only giving him an affirmative hum instead.

“You’re seriously the best”, Mat sighed after emptying his drink yet again. I had decided that tonight would be taco night and made some margaritas to accompany them, both of us a couple of glasses in by now. It honestly could be a Tuesday but who even knows anymore. I was convinced that at least part of the reason why Mat had asked me to come with him was because he liked my food so much, especially when I cooked Mexican.

The sun was setting over the lake and we were sitting outside on the porch so we could watch the sun set above the water, music playing quietly in the background. He reached for the pitcher and I grabbed the golf club leaning against the sofa we were currently sharing, even though there was lots of space to lounge elsewhere.

Now I didn’t really like golfing, in fact I thought it was among the most boring sports to watch and not much better to play, but I did like to swing at the ball as hard as I could. I’d found some golf balls that would dissolve into food for the fish so for the last couple of hours Mat and I had taken turns in trying to get the ball as far as possible, both of us with a subpar form that only got worse after every margarita.

“No you need to rotate your hips along with the swing”, Mat commented and I threw him a look over my shoulder.

“You’re not much better you know.”

“Yeah but I’m also stronger than you so I can hit harder.”

“I’m not sure if that’s how it works Matty.”

For my next swing I made sure to exaggeratedly turn my hips with the movement, causing me to lose balance of course. In a split second Mat was there, his big hands resting on either side of my hips so I wouldn’t fall.

“Good reflexes”, I giggled, letting my head drop back onto his shoulder so I could look up at him, our eyes locking in an intense stare. He was standing so close to me that I could feel his breath fan across my neck it was very tempting to take the little step that was needed for me to be pressed against him completely. I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about him like this, but the alcohol wasn’t exactly helping.

I could see him swallow hard, closing his eyes for a second before reluctantly letting go of me. “It’s what they pay me millions for you know.”

“Cocky little shit.” And just like that we fell back into our old rhythm again. I pushed any and all dirty thoughts out of my mind and instead focused back on my golf swing.

With every sip I felt myself relax more, the amount of alcohol in the second pitcher definitely stronger than in the first. I knew that Mat felt the effect of the alcohol as well by now, the way his gaze would turn unfocused from time to time giving him away.

I gave him a curious glance when he got up, knowing for a fact that him with a golf club would be a dangerous combination if he tried anything right now. To my surprise he walked over to the box where all the blankets were stashed, pulling out the fluffy grey one that I liked most before spreading it across both of our legs. He surprised me even further when he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close to his side so I could rest my head on his chest. While behavior like this wasn’t completely unusual for the two of us, it had been a while since we last cuddled. It was as if Mat had been careful to not get too close up until this point, his resolve now gone.

“You know, I really like knowing things and learning how stuff works, but sometimes I just wanna be a kid again who doesn’t have a clue. I remember how I used to think that every star was a little fairy like the ones in Tinkerbell or something, I don’t know. The world used to be so full of wonders and now it’s all science this psychology that, you get me?” I listened to him ramble, the alcohol making him stumble on his words a couple of times as he tried to figure out how to properly articulate himself. I’d listened to his drunk thoughts for years now, still amazed at his ability to get all philosophical out of apparently nowhere.

“Kinda yea, but I also think there’s still lots of wonders left, some of them having to do with science. Why do comatose patients wake up? What must it feel like as a surgeon to be able to give someone a new heart, a new life? How can we know so much and yet still be wrong so many times? So the way I see it there’s still wonders, you just got to know where to look”, I finished my rant, looking up only to see Mat intently staring down at me. This wasn’t our first drunk real talk, but the way I was wrapped in his arms somehow made it feel more personal.

“By the way, I think I got lucky because I wasn’t even looking and yet I still somehow ran into you”, I continued, needing him to understand his importance to me all of the sudden. He’d truly been my rock over the past few months, keeping me from going insane as I approached the final stretch of my senior year. He’d reminded me to take care of myself and practically forced me to whenever I didn’t.

I couldn’t even count the amount of times I’d crashed at his place because my roommate was having some kind of crazy rager in our apartment, effectively making it impossible to study. He’d even offered up his spare bedroom once he moved into his new apartment but I declined because I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent at this place and I wasn’t about to leech off of him when I had other options.

“You are my wonder too, you know. I couldn’t have wished for a more supportive friend.” I smiled up at him, drunk happiness mixed with genuine love for the guy that had slowly turned into the most important person in my life. We’d come quite far.

It didn’t take long until the both of us were yawning so frequently that it was impossible to keep up a conversation, quickly gathering everything so we could go back inside. I hadn’t even realized how cold it had gotten until Mat’s arm dropped from my shoulder and my legs were exposed again from underneath the blanket.

“You wanna have a sleepover?”, Mat asked grinning at me cheekily while walking across the living room. Never one to say no to cuddling with Mat, even before all this quarantine horniness, I nodded before dashing off to my room to get ready.

Mat was already snuggled under the covers and he lifted up one side as soon as he saw me getting closer. He liked to be the big spoon and because that was one of the best feelings in the world I basically let him do whatever until he deemed our sleeping position comfortable. He’d definitely pulled me a little tighter than he usually did, our bodies now practically touching from head to toe.

He’d tangled up one of his legs with mine and my back was flush to his chest, his face nuzzled into the back of my neck. He had wrapped one arm around my waist so even if I wanted to leave or move, I wouldn’t be able to. It was like a big perfect Mat cocoon.

As I laid there listening to his breathing slowing down I thought back to what Mat had said on the paddle board a couple of days ago, about how he had everything he needed right here with him. I knew that that wasn’t exactly true because he missed his family and even if he denied it I knew he missed hockey as well, but he’d also admitted to needing me with him and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel the same.

A few rays of sunshine had lit up Mat’s bedroom the next morning, but that wasn’t what had woken me up. Mat was calling for me from the ensuite bathroom and I could faintly make out the sound of water running.

“I need you to bring me your shampoo, I’m all out”, he yelled and I groaned before slowly rolling out of bed. In daylight I could make out the mess his room had become, clothes littering the floor and every other surface and I almost stumbled over a set of weights on my way out of the door.

I grabbed my shampoo out of my shower and even reached for the conditioner for good measure. His hair had gotten so long by now that it would surely appreciate the extra attention.

Making my way into the bathroom I was faced with a problem that I hadn’t thought of up until this point. The lake house was pretty new, meaning the interior design was cozy yet still modern. Meaning all bathrooms were equipped with big glass showers. Meaning that there was currently no shower curtain preventing me from seeing Mat fully naked in the shower.

I could close my eyes but I would 100% trip over his clothes that he’d strewn all across the bathroom floor so my only option was to try and keep my eyes up high. Keyword being ‘try’. At least he had his back turned to me but I was still mesmerized by the water running down his body and the way his back muscles rippled as he reached up to push his hair out of his face. And that ass..

I slowly approached the shower, praying that he wouldn’t turn around to face me but also kind of hoping he would. I opened the door a little bit so I could set the bottles down inside and thankfully he stayed put.

“Don’t put the conditioner on your roots or your hair will look greasy”, I said on my way out and even I could hear how breathless I sounded, the view having my thoughts run a mile a second.

As soon as I had the bathroom door closed I squeezed my eyes shut to try and regain my composure. The image of him in that shower was one I wouldn’t be able to get rid of for a long time. I couldn’t even take a cold shower to cool down because Mat had my stuff and he’d know something was up if I were to simply rinse myself off and I couldn’t exactly tell him that the sight of him naked had gotten me all hot and bothered.

So instead I decided to use all of my pent up energy to go on a run, hoping for the runner’s high to clear my thoughts. By the time I got back Mat was laying in the corner of the couch, an episode of The Office on the big flatscreen.

“We need to go to the store later”, I reminded him, knowing that I couldn’t walk in on him naked again without losing the little control I had left in my body. He nodded and then looked me up and down and for a second I was embarrassed. Even with only wearing running shorts and a sports bra I was still drenched in sweat, probably looking disgusting.

At least he’d put my stuff back so I could finally shower in peace, my thoughts still wandering back to earlier this morning. I wouldn’t have turned him down before all of this shit started but now that I only had my own hands and trusted toy to take care of myself, I was borderline desperate. Two months without sex was the longest dry spell I’d had in years and I couldn’t imagine Mat feeling any different. I knew from firsthand experience that he brought lots of girls home as well. Perhaps he needed something to happen as much as I did.

It was hard to believe that his shampoo had just been empty all of a sudden without him noticing first and then there was the fact that for the past few days he’d been parading around the house in only his boxers or towels.

Two can play this game, I thought to myself, pulling on a comfy shirt and some tight booty shorts, foregoing a bra which he was bound to notice because of how it stretched over my chest.

I pretended not to notice how Mat almost choked on the sip of water he’d just taken as I made my way into the living room, walking over to the kitchen to grab my own bottle. Even if I couldn’t see it to confirm, I was pretty sure that he was staring at my ass as soon as I turned away from him. For good measure I even made sure to lie down with my head in his lap, murmuring something about how he’d taken up the best spot so he really left me no other choice.

The first few minutes he didn’t move an inch, resembling a statue. I knew that he could feel my boobs pressed against his thigh and I made sure to shift a couple of times to make sure before placing one of my hands on his thigh. Eventually he relaxed and even went as far as to rest one of his hands on top of my hand, slowly moving his fingers through the tangles in my still wet hair. When he accidently pulled at a few strands I let out a content sigh while simultaneously digging my nails into his thigh out of habit. I pretended to not hear him groan lightly and instead gave him the most insincere apology of my life, thoughts now definitely elsewhere.

I was royally screwed. Or actually I wasn’t, and that was becoming a big problem.

I’d made it my personal mission to get a reaction out of him as much as I could. Mat was the same, I hadn’t seen him wearing a shirt in days. It was like this competition to see who could make the other one snap first. Currently I was making breakfast in nothing but a shirt and my panties. Granted, the shirt went to my mid-thighs because I’d stolen it from Mat a couple of months ago but still.

One of my upbeat playlists was playing over the speaker system and I was dancing around in front of the stove, careful to not let the our breakfast burn.

“What a sight to wake up to”, I heard Mat’s voice behind me and his hoarse morning voice did things to me I would never admit out loud. I gave him a cheeky grin over my shoulder and wiggled my butt for good measure as my favorite part of the song came on.

“Can you set the table? Breakfast is almost ready”, I asked and he nodded before moving to grab everything. We’d gotten our morning routine down to a t by now and I couldn’t help the warmth that spread in my chest at seeing him do something so domestic. Our friendship had certainly evolved since practically moving in here together. It would actually be weird to not have him around constantly once all of this was over.

The day continued like most of the days before, us lounging on the couch after working out together for a while. It was something we’d made a habit a while ago. His trainer knew that I was with him so he’d give Mat tandem exercises from time to time or he’d ask me to take videos so he could make sure that Mat’s form was okay. I certainly didn’t mind the view.

Mat was always hot of course but there was something to be said about the way he looked after a workout, all flushed and just downright delicious. It was definitely a great motivation to join him in the gym.

This time I had managed to snatch the corner seat and I was sprawled out on the couch, Mat’s head resting on my stomach. While I’d managed to put on some shorts he was of course still shirtless and I’d given in to temptation long ago, my fingers now slowly running across his back. He had one of his arms thrown across my stomach, hand resting on my hip and drawing slow circles on the little patch of skin that had been exposed when my shirt had ridden up. While cuddling wasn’t unusual between the two of us, this was certainly new territory, the show we’d been watching kind of forgotten by now.

“Use your nails”, Mat pleaded and his voice was so raw that I would’ve done anything he asked of me at this point. He let out a groan when I softly raked my nails across his back and I was glad that he couldn’t see my face right now. There was a spot on the left side of his back that would cause him to shudder slightly, goosebumps spreading quickly. I found myself watching him in awe, fascinated by the reaction I could get out of him by such a simple act.

I couldn’t stop myself from wondering what kind of damage I could do if I really worked for it.

It finally happened a couple of nights later after yet another day filled with sexual tension so thick that you could probably cut it with a knife.

Mat helped me clean up after dinner, music playing to help speed things up. I was in charge of taking care of the leftovers while he cleaned up everything else. Obviously I was done before him and since he refused to let me help him I hopped on top of the kitchen counter, making casual conversation while watching him put stuff in the dishwasher.

“This is my jam!”, he exclaimed, quickly wiping his hands clean before motioning for me to come dance with him. I shook my head while laughing, which only led to him grabbing me and lifting me off the counter so I would join him.

His moves were ridiculous, arms kind of just flapping around. I knew that he could dance if he wanted to, we’d been to our fair share of clubs together but right now he definitely wasn’t trying. He held his hand out for me and with a laugh I accepted, letting him spin me around as he wished. The third time while he was spinning me back towards him he pulled a little to hard though and whether it was on accident or not I ended up almost smacking into him, only stopping myself by placing my other hand on his chest.

Both of us were a little out of breath by now and any laughter died down as he wrapped both of his arms around me, pulling me even closer. I looked up at him, gripping onto his shoulder with the other hand. Mat looked down at me with an unreadable expression. We both stared at each other for a couple of seconds, trying to figure out what the other one was thinking at the moment. How had things gone from him twerking to Lizzo to this?

He gulped heavily before bringing one of his hands up to cup my face, ripping me out of my trance. His gaze was flickering between my lips and my eyes and he leaned in a little closer, yet still waiting for me to take the final step. Deciding to throw all caution to the wind I moved my hand to his neck, finally pulling him down to where I wanted him.

When our lips met it was as if everything was falling into place. The kiss started out slow, both of us still kind of figuring out what the hell was going on without scaring the other off. As soon as he realized that I wasn’t going to push him off of me he kissed me back with the determination that he showed in every other aspect of his life. His hands started wandering, first sliding down lower on my back before he moved them to my side, tightly gipping my hips.

I let out a light moan and he used the chance to deepen the kiss, slipping his tongue inside my mouth. He tasted like home and I willingly let him walk me backwards until I could feel the kitchen counter behind me, grateful for the leverage it would give me. He surprised me by lifting me back up on it and then pushing himself between my legs, gripping my thighs.

Eventually I did have to come up for air but Mat apparently didn’t concur to the basic laws of biology because he moved straight to my neck, sucking and biting gently until I was sure that goosebumps covered every square inch of my body. I knew I should stop and think about what was going on right now but I really didn’t want to, so instead I just dove right back into another toe curling kiss. Kissing him had quickly become one of my favorite things and I wanted, no I needed more.

“Mat, wait…”, I murmured against his mouth and he immediately took a step back, looking up at me with an expectant look. I could tell that he thought he’d done something wrong, when in reality it was the exact opposite.

“I want you but I don’t know if the kitchen counter is the right place for that.”

As soon as my words registered with him he groaned, burying his face in my neck.

“Then let’s get you somewhere comfortable… for now”, he teased and the wink he gave me told me that we’d definitely continue this in here another time. I let him lift me down, following behind him as he pulled me towards his bedroom with an urgency that I had only seen in games so far. He was pretty laid-back usually but I could tell that I’d riled him up over the past few days or weeks really.

It seemed like Mat couldn’t hold out until he got me onto his bed though, instead pushing me against the door and leaning down to kiss me again, pushing one of his thighs in between my legs. He fumbled around for a while before finally hitting the right light switch, making the room glow in soft yellow lighting.

His lips were addicting and even when he moved back I didn’t let him, chasing after him for another kiss. Using one of his hands to brace himself the other was slowly pushing up the fabric of my shirt. That wasn’t enough for me so I quickly moved to pull it off. I wasn’t wearing a bra and he cursed as soon as he saw my exposed chest, taking his time to look me up and down.

“So beautiful”, he murmured in awe before moving in again, one of his hands cupping my breast. I let out a moan when he started playing with my nipple which only seemed to spur him on further. I was so turned on already and he hadn’t even done much yet.

Determined to change up the power dynamics I pushed at his chest and he took a step back with a confused look, probably wondering if he’d done something wrong. Confusion turned into amazement as he watched me kiss down his chest before finally sinking down to my knees in front of him.

I took my time kissing his abs and mouthing along the ‘V’ that disappeared into his pants. I could see him straining against his shorts, impressed by what I could make out through the fabric. When I licked along his waistline he let out a beautiful groan and I decided I’d had teased him enough, finally hooking my fingers into his shorts and pulling them down along with his boxers. Him being shirtless already certainly made it easier to get him naked.

I watched his dick spring free, bouncing against his abs and looking absolutely delicious. He was impressively long but it was the girth that truly wowed me, finally making me understand all of the girls that came back time after time.

I gripped his thigh with one hand and reached for his dick with the other, making him curse. When I gave the head a little kitten lick he threaded his hands into my hair, practically pushing me down on him so I’d give him more. I didn’t object, wrapping my mouth around him and taking as much of him as I could, my hand taking care of the rest. The filthy sounds he was letting out above me only making me more enthusiastic and I was pretty sure that he’d have little crescent marks on his thighs for the next few days from how I was digging my nails into his thigh. He didn’t seem to mind though, only moaning my name.

“Fuck, you look so good like that”, Mat murmured and I looked up to him watching me intently. I kept my gaze locked on his as I moved back to let him go, my hand continuing to stroke him but my mouth dropping down to suck at his balls. The moan he let out would have made any porn star jealous.

It didn’t take long for him to pull me off of him in a way that told me that he didn’t actually want to, both of us panting as if we’d just ran a marathon.

“You need to stop or I’m going to cum”, he let out, his hoarse voice turning me on so much that I was pretty sure I’d be dripping down my legs if it weren’t for the fact that I was still wearing some clothes.

“Would that be such a bad thing?”, I teased, grinning up at him, not being able to resist licking up the entire length of his shaft once more. He practically pulled me up to my feet after that, moving in for another searing kiss.

“I’ve wanted you for so long and there’s no way I’m gonna finish before we even started.” He started to push me back towards his bed, changing his mind halfway there as he bent down to pick me up, wrapping my legs around his waist. For the first time I was able to feel him press against me, the thin fabric of my shorts not really doing much and holy shit did he feel good. He sat down on the edge of his bed, me now straddling his lap and I couldn’t help but roll my hips against him, desperate for any friction at this point.

The both of us let out a simultaneous moan at that and Mat buried his face in my neck, slowly sucking along my collarbone. He gripped my waist, his big hands nearly encircling it entirely.

“You’re wearing too many clothes still”, he said with his lips moving against my skin, making me shudder yet again. I’d long lost count a long time ago.

“Then do something about it”, I responded, not really willing to move at this point. He quickly stood up with me still perched on top of him before turning the both of us around, dropping me down onto the middle of the mattress. Him throwing me around like I weighed nothing really did something to me and I looked up at him through hooded eyes, waiting for him to make the next move.

He didn’t disappoint, leaning down to trail kisses from my neck, mouthing along my boobs before finally moving to pull my shorts and panties off. He took his time, making sure to appreciate every new inch of skin that he’d just exposed on the way back up and the closer he got to my core the more I was squirming underneath him. I had been waiting for this for so long that I wasn’t sure if I could make it through another minute without him inside me.

“Mat please, I really need you”, I whined and I could see him smirk up at me from where he’d situated himself between my legs.

“Don’t worry I’ll make you feel so good baby.” Hearing him call me ‘baby’ only made things worse but he finally put me out of my misery when he ran one of his large beautiful fingers through my folds.

“Holy shit you’re so wet for me already”, he cursed and I was about to respond when he literally took my breath away by licking up my slit. I couldn’t help but arch off the bed, already so keyed up and he quickly threw one arm across me stomach, forcing me to stay still. He started out slow and I knew that he was only trying to egg me on further but his resolve didn’t last long and he soon dove in with a determination that had sounds coming out of my mouth that I’d never made before in my entire life.

He moved my legs to rest on his shoulders so he could have better access and because I really needed something to hold on to for dear life, I gripped his hair. He’d said a couple of times that it had gotten too long during this quarantine but I certainly wasn’t complaining now, using it as leverage. I could see him grind against the comforter, desperate for any kind of friction himself and it was the hottest thing I’d ever seen in my life.

He moved back a little and I was about to complain when he slowly pushed a finger inside of me, any words dying in my throat at the feeling. He lowered his mouth again, sucking hard on my clit and I moaned so loud that I was glad that we were alone in the house.

“More, Mat please”, I whispered and I almost couldn’t believe that he already had me begging. He groaned and the vibrations in combination of him pushing a second finger inside of me were almost too much. I was close and I knew that he could tell from the way my thighs were starting to shake, curling his fingers inside me until he finally found the spot that made me cum so hard with a scream that I could see stars. He brought me through it, still pushing in and out slowly when I finally returned back to earth, grinning up at me proudly after wiping his mouth on the inside of my thigh.

“That was so fucking hot”, he said and I laughed, throwing my arm over my eyes in embarrassment. I’d had my fair share of hookups as well but nobody had managed to make me feel this good. I could feel him move up my body, reaching for my arm so he could look me in the eyes again before leaning down for a kiss. I could taste myself on his lips and while kissing him was still amazing, it wasn’t enough anymore. Mat seemed to catch my drift because he rolled off of me, only to reach for his nightstand, feeling around for a bit before triumphantly holding up a foil packet.

Taking advantage of him on his back I moved to straddle his thighs, taking his cock in my hands once again. He bucked his hips involuntarily and I could tell that he needed this as much as I did at this point. I took the foil package from him, ripping it open with my teeth before rolling the condom down his shaft. He gripped my hips, helping me scoot up until I was positioned above him, holding him so I could slip the tip inside.

Both of us let out simultaneous groans when I finally sunk down on him, the stretch painful in the most delicious way. He gave me a couple of seconds to adjust but I wasn’t really willing to wait any longer, rolling my hips against him.

“Your pussy feels so good around me”, he panted as he helped guide me along with his hands while looking me deep in the eyes. His pupils were so blown at this point, his cheeks were flushed and he’d never looked better. I was a moaning mess above him and I wanted to remember the way his cock was dragging against my walls for the rest of my life. One of his hands still rested on my hip while his other grabbed my boob, twisting the nipple and making me moan even louder.

At one point he moved to sit up, our chests now pressed together. The new angle had my clit rub against his pelvic bone and I knew that I’d come again like this with no extra help needed. Mat moved to kiss my neck, sucking and biting so harshly that I was sure that there’d be marks there the next day, not that anybody besides us would be able to see them.

His groans had become more erratic as well and I knew that he probably wasn’t far behind me, my name constantly on his lips. One last drag against him had me arch into him with yet another earth-shattering orgasm, Mat doing his best to fuck me through it before turning us around so he was on top of me, using his hands to hold himself above me so he wouldn’t crush me.

He grabbed one of my legs and pushed it up to rest on his hip, thrusting into me with a force that had the headboard slam into the wall repeatedly. He felt so good that with every thrust I let out a little moan, still sensitive from my orgasm, which only seemed to spur Mat on even more. I was digging my nails into his back to the point where I was sure that there would be red streaks after but he didn’t seem to care at all, too lost in the moment. It didn’t take long before he threw his head back and I could feel him pulse inside me as he came, the most beautiful groan coming from his lips as he finally stilled inside me.

He crashed down on top of me, burying his face in my neck, both of us out of breath by now and covered in sweat. He was silent for a while until he caught me off guard when he started laughing.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m just thinking.. we could’ve been doing that for weeks, I certainly wanted to.”

“I did too but I guess we’re both stupid.”

Now we were both laughing and Mat moved off of me so he could pull out, gripping the condom so it wouldn’t slip off. He threw it in the trash can in the corner before coming back, his hand outstretched for me to take.

“I guess we have some catching up to do then, starting right now with me and you in the shower”, he said with a wink and I couldn’t think of a time where I’d gotten out of bed faster.

#Mat Barzal #smut #nhl smut #hockey smut #Mat Barzal smut #mat barzal x reader #new york islanders #hockey writing #ice hockey #nhl #nhl imagine

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cricketnationrise · 3 years

Text

Books I read in quarantine: Part 1

So on Friday, March 13, 2020 something not that chill happened. We all know what that was. Anyway for me the silver lining was that I got a lot of my TBR knocked out by not being at work. I read over 150 books from mid-march to mid-october.

1. We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: yes, it had been on my list for a while, yes it was awesome, yes, its still worth the read

2. Dragonquest by Anne McCaffrey: eh. listen. she’s one of the most prominent women in fantasy/sci-fi writing and that’s great. and maybe some the later books aren’t quite such a product of their time. but there are some aspects to the dragon “bonding” that feel especially uncomfortable and there’s a lot of violence toward women. so.

3. Briar’s Book by Tamora Pierce: I was in the midst of a Circle of Magic reread. Unfortunately for me, this one is about a plague. It’s still one of the best CoM books and I enjoy it immensely. Its definitely going to be harder to read from now on

4. The Tiger’s Daughter by K. Arsenault Rivera: loved this. empress and ruler of the steppes as lesbians that also battle demons? i needed a family tree, but that’s normal for me. still need to get to the next one in this series.

5. Fablehaven by Brandon Mull: middle grade fantasy novel. i hesitate to say lighthearted because there are definitely some heavy themes, but all the fantasy creatures you encounter are cool AF and this one at least doesn’t end on a cliffhanger.

6. Magic Steps by Tamora Pierce: less strong than some of the others in the Emelan series, but has some cool worldbuilding that got better fleshed out in the Beka Cooper Tortall books. featuring UNMAGIC. v dark. also dance magic. and romance between two older characters

7. The Bookshop on the Corner by Jenny Colgan: delightful romance, not super explicit, very wish fulfillment if your wish is to run away from your life in london and live off the proceeds of a mobile bookstore in a tiny town. which. is not unappealing.

8. Street Magic by Tamora Pierce: features 9 cats, street urchins, and a VERY TERRIFYING wealthy widow straight up murdering kids for fun and games, stone magic

9. Scythe by Neal Shusterman: okay so take our world and then solve all physical ailments and have everything run by the cloud. except that death is still a thing but only if you are picked by a Scythe. first book in a trilogy. fast paced, amazing, violent (someone gets their head cut off), standard dystopia stuff. you’ll want to have the next two books ON YOUR SHELF

10. Wink Poppy Midnight by April Genevieve Tucholke: there is definitely someone out there who will like this more than me. one of them is my roommate. it was just too dark of a friendship/enemyship for me. lots of unreliable narrators. and like, they were just kind of horrible to each other? the actual plot was kinda cool and i definitely would have liked it more if it ended lighter

11. The Word for World is Forest by Ursula K. LeGuin: a giant of fantasy and science fiction. this was my first of her sci-fi stuff and the first of the hainish cycle that i’ve read. quick read. definitely makes you think.

12. The Haunting of Tram Car 015 by P. Djèlí Clark: number two in a series, but i didn’t know that going in. absolutely going to read the others. a cairo where all sorts of spirits and demons exist and actively interact with the “normal” world.

13. The Girl Who Reads on the Métro by Christine Féret-Fleury: i’ve never been to france but this feels VERY french. magical realism about bringing the right book to the perfect reader. super cute.

14. Fire Starter by P. Anastasia: first of a series. i wanted to like this better based on the magic system. romance felt forced. also it turned out to be aliens. which like, not a problem, but don’t spend 100 pages telling me its magic and then boom alien virus. maybe the others are better, but i’m not going to find out.

15. The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros: i had to read this in middle school and definitely didn’t appreciate it enough. highly recommended.

16. A Witch’s Guide to Escape: A Practical Compendium of Portal Fantasies by Alix E. Harrow: a fantastic short story about reading, libraries, magic and supporting teenagers who need it. you can read it online or as part of Apex Magazine Issue 105 from Feb 2018.

17. On a Sunbeam by Tillie Walden: really long graphic novel about a found family in space trying to do a good job repairing various buildings and stuff. enough queer content for anybody really. gorgeous art.

18. Doughnut by Tom Holt: book 1 in the YouSpace series. very discworld-esq except that its our own world plus a pocket dimension that’s only accessible with a lot of math and a prayer. hilarious at times, but a decidedly darker tone than discworld so just be aware if that’s not what youre looking for

19. The Girl Who Could Move Sh*t with Her Mind by Jackson Ford: teenage girl in california has powers that let her move things with her mind. works as part of a government program with a whole band of misfits. she thought she was the only one and then someone else starts doing crime (TM) and murder with telekinesis and she has to stop them. found family toward the end. graphic violence toward the end. wildfires.

20. Ballad of the Whiskey Robber: A True Story of Bank Heists, Ice Hockey, Transylvanian Pelt Smuggling, Moonlighting Detectives, and Broken Hearts by Julian Rubinstein: what it says on the tin, basically. NONFICTION. this dude in europe had way too many day jobs that were actually crime and his story is WILD. last update i saw was that he was still alive, paroled from jail, and making pottery??

21. The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon: 800+ pages of epic eastern fantasy. some dragons. a witchy big bad. betrayal. queer romance as a main plotline. magic. seriously good.

22. Transcription by Kate Atkinson: flashback within a flashback within a flashback and reversing that path as you move through the book. woman just wants a secretary job during the war. somehow ends up as a spy??? i liked it, i keep meaning to get more of her books

23. Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire: first in the wayward children series. under 200 pages if you’re looking for a quick read. what happens to kids that have gone through a door, had an adventure, and then forced back into our world? they don’t quite fit. and when that happens they go to Eleanor West’s School. fantastic series that is still being added to (number 7 comes out next year). can be very dark/sinister at times. but theres a lot of queer representation and found family stuff to balance out.

24. Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire: book 2 in the wayward children series. focuses on Jack and Jill’s backstory of their time before book 1. they are from The Moors where a Vampire Lord and a Mad Scientist are battling against each other to keep the balance of the world with a village of innocents between them

25. Go Fish by Ian Rogers: short story published on Tor.com about a group of paranormal investigators. there’s a fish factory that no one will go in because it’s haunted and/or cursed and people have been dying from going in there

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honestsycrets · 4 years

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It’s Not A Choice || [Kylo Ren x Reader]

❛ pairing | kylo ren x reader

❛ type | oneshot

❛ summary | reliant on suppressants, the reader doesn’t exactly know how to handle a heat.

❛ warnings | nsfw, abo dynamics, newbie writing

❛ sy’s notes | all my works include fem!reader unless indicated or requested otherwise. uhhh, new to this! i’ve seen TFA, but I do need to catch up on the other movies. I just get such anxiety when I watch anything that it takes me a damn eon to get through a thing at a time.

The scratchy baying from the other beds is enough to make your ears pop. Since you arrived to the medbay, your ears had bled. “Get her a knot already,” you cup your hands over your ears, shooting a frown down at the woman between your legs. Her bottom lip is caught between her teeth as she lightly shakes her head.

“She won’t be here long,” the doctor says. “Not screaming like that.”

“Seriously,” you drop your head back. “It can’t be that bad.”

“You say that now.”

You sharpen your gaze down at her, almost challenging as you engage her, although-- if you were being honest, no beta could understand the fine struggles of an omega. An alpha even less so. They reap the benefits of an omega’s heat. What do you know, you suppress the words.

Fingers clanging around your insides is not your picture-perfect weekday. As uncanny as it might be, you are a worker through and through. Your work gives you a sense of purpose. A sense that… you were needed. Rather you pointlessly lay on your back, pretending like you could tolerate a woman seemingly fishing in your body for your cervix.

“Seems you’re long overdue for a heat,” Doctor Moira spoke, still squishing her fingers about. “When was your last?”

“A few seasons ago,” you admit. “I take suppressants. Never been an issue.”

“Well, Officer (L/N) you’re about to have one. You’ve built up a resistance.”

Her fingers pull free. She taps her fingers against one another, drawing a long sticky strand between thumb and middle finger. Your head drops back with a wobbly half-smile. “And that means…?”

“It means you must take time off. Ride out the heat in quarantine.”

You shift your feet off of the stirrups of the chair. “Time off?” you grate out as if her order had barbs attached to them. “I don’t take time off.”

“You do now. Resolve any loose ends and report here tonight.”

“Yes, doctor,” you resolve, hissing under your breath.

Fuck, fuck-- and fuck. You never take time off.

The sterile click of boots down the blank hall rang in your ear like the ringing of a high pitched squeal. At the end of the corridor, you stood clutching your datapad for life. In its reflection, you might have seen yourself-- sweat beading your forehead, a stray few pieces of hair falling from your slicked back bun. Heat radiating from within your core, then out, exploding like a star into the universe. Your sharp eyes shift up from the pad’s reflective surface as the steps still to nothing.

Hovering in front of you was a wall of black encasing what might be a human. The soft breathing behind the vocoder of his mask gives you something to focus on other than your clammy hands which have slicked the datapad. Not that it helped much. It slides free of your hands and cracks on the floor by his sturdy black boots.

His helmet downcasts as you pluck it up, swallowing a dry bolus of nothingness as you did. Behind the blankness of his helmet, it’s almost as if you can feel him watching you. So unimpressed. Under the weight of his intense stare, you feel the push to speak past his annoyance which fills you over like a fully filled cup.

“Commander,” you bow your head. The quicker you give him what he needed, the quicker you could rush back to the medbay.

“It belongs to you,” he states.

You stop, garbling nonsensical words, “I-- what… what belongs to me?” As if any of those noises were intelligible.

“The scent. Control it.”

A moment passes-- battling with words as you were-- and Kylo moves forward. Your knuckles tighten over the pad. The sheer energy that radiates off of him could bring you to your knees, but more than that, the richness of his scent manifesting like something tangibly overwhelming on your tongue. Smooth, deep… comforting. You could get drunk on it. If you weren’t drunk on his unctuous scent already. Your tongue moistens your lower lips, and you quickly realize, he’s turned away from you.

“It’s not a choice,” you bite out, sharper than you intended. “Commander.”

He turns, taking a rough stomp forward. You keep steady.

“You mean to make me believe it’s impossible to control your biological inadequacy?” he states. “Suppressants, heard of them?”

“Yes, Commander Ren.” You chew on your lower lip, bursting it apart. Blood soaks your lower lip, and you bring it into your mouth to hold your peace.

“See to it.”

It’s just a few days, you thought. A week at least. Ten days, maybe twelve at most. Your bare toes knock into the cold metal of the door-- you whip around, chasing the black tile to the other wall. It’s only isolation. The room isn’t as small as you make it out to be. Sleep is a great way to pass the time. You’ve not slept so much in years.

“At least you aren’t sanitation,” thoughts manifest to words at some point between day one and three. “You’re home free, almost. Almost.”

Day four or five might have been when wheels came off the bus, so to speak. The little room was too little. You counted the steps it took to get from one wall to another. Exactly twenty-seven medium steps. Thirteen big ones.

The air is stagnant with your own hormones to avoid cycling such a scent through the rest of the ship, which in the grand scheme of it all, fucked you. It’s stuffy. Hot. Which was how your dress ended up over there somewhere in a crumpled puddle of the generic cloth. If you could just focus on one thing other than the hot pulse of your overly fucked clit, nearly chafing with your fingers reliant upon it for relief as you slouched against the door.

Control it, he told you. The Commander didn’t understand this-- not this. He understood things like The Force, his training, but never-- an Omega’s need. If what you felt a few days ago was a star exploding in the universe, the depths of heat was burning with the heat of a supernova, burning through you like the molten heat of a hot, red lightsaber bursting the door--

“Fuck!” you shout, jerking your hand from the phantom crackling door. It fails to register that the red, blistering light is crashing through the door at first. You fail to realize the door curling in on itself with wretched screams that so aren’t yours, no, not at all. Not even as you crawled desperately away from the decimated door, cleaved seemingly in half, singes your nose with melted metal. Inevitably, because that wasn’t enough to top your week, footsteps slide in.

You shrill, catching yourself baying when the scent slams into your nostrils head first. Your hand shoots out toward the strewn remains of your dress, draping it over your naked breasts, inching across the floor on your naked ass as if you got far enough, maybe he would disappear altogether. Instead it was your gown, flicked off your near-naked body that disappeared. “What are you doing?!”

“That’s enough.” You curl in upon yourself, your sweaty body pressing against your knees. The lips of your sex exposed to him-- not escaping his notice by far. Kylo presses the tip of his boot up against your moist sex, nudging your smooth lips in amusement. His musk swells in the room, mingling with your own pheromones, the pressure of his boot giving a relief you’ve not had in some time. It wasn’t simply because it was another inanimate object to rut upon-- you’ve had plenty of those in the past few days. Your hips glide on their own accord, sending pings of pleasure up your spine.

“Disgusting,” the Commander says, nudging your cunt more forcefully now. You fall back, catching yourself on your elbows, knees tucked up as if in offering. “You’ve given in within only days.”

Doctor Moira had been right-- this searing heat, which coursed your body, was too much for you to even resist. Your tongue, warm and wet, flicks over your lower lip. “So have you,” you say, mistakenly. The Commander kneels before you, tilting his helmet just so.

“No, officer,” Ren says allows his leather encased fingers so gently graze over your kneecap. “I only came to see what I already knew.”

Which was? you lift your head. But you don’t need to ask. Not really, not within your cunt pulsing and throbbing. A low, long keening noise works free from your lip. You feel his hand shift over your knee and toward your core, stopping just short of it at the junction of your thigh and sex. His thumb so briefly skims your lips, barely a flick.

“You’re inadequate.” Ren chuckles, drowning you in the richness of his voice, fuzzy as it was through his vocoder. “Unfit for your rank.”

“That’s… not true,” you whisper, finding his gamy, leather clad fingers would flick your clit. The ache soars between your legs, blossoming out across your lips and clenching core. “You’re an alpha. What… what would you know about this?”

“Control,” he insists, his fingers shift-- then dip inside your core. If only on instinct, they clench him tightly, walls undulating. “Something you clearly lack.”

“That’s not...” you say, glancing down to his fingers, delving deep, until they hilt. Your teeth clench down on your lower lip, bursting it open. He grasps your nipple in his other palm, tugging it with emphasis. “...why you’re here. It’s the scent, isn’t it? You can’t control your instinct.”

No answer. Not at first. Only the swift twirl of his fingers, massaging your walls, a small thumb padding your clit over and over again. Your breath is effectively eviscerated, slipping out of your lips without pause. His fingers follow suit in his defiance. He brings the heavy leather to your face; he wipes the creamy fluid over one side of your face, then the other to clean them off on your face. Then, Kylo Ren stands.

“Not likely.”

Behind him, the door screams as it peels effortlessly, making a way for his quick exit. In his absence, you glance to the door, your own walls spasming around the phantom sensation of where his fingers once were. It would be a feat to explain this to Doctor Moira-- or any alpha with a hint of restraint who might follow your sweet and fertile scent. You drop your head back onto the black tile. Maybe heat really was just that bad.

#Kylo Ren x Reader #Star Wars imagines #SW imagines #Star Wars Imagine #Reader x Kylo Ren #i don't know how to life don't hate me #Kylo x Reader #Kylo/Reader #Kylo x You

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thinfairytalex · 4 years

Text

🦴 My Ana Rules! ⚠️TW⚠️

⚠️𝘿𝙄𝙎𝘾𝙇𝘼𝙄𝙈𝙀𝙍⚠️

DO NOT VEIW IF YOU DO NOT HAVE AN ED! PLEASE DO NOT READ IT IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ONE! I WOULD TURN BACK BUT ITS TOO LATE SO PLEASE TURN BACK WHILE YOU CAN! IF YOU HAVE ONE PLEASE GET HELP IF YOURE READY! I HATE MY EATING DISORDER AND SO WILL YOU IF YOU GET ONE BECAUSE OF ME!!!!

🍴𝙁𝙊𝙊𝘿 😋

Bad foods:

👎🏼Olive Oil

👎🏼Coconut Oil (not as bad but not suggested because it tastes gross anyways)

👎🏼Avocado

👎🏼Butter

👎🏼Ghee (idk what this is but the internet just said it was fatty)

👎🏼Yogurt (Except greek)

👎🏼Cheese

👎🏼Peanut butter

👎🏼Flax Seeds

👎🏼White pasta

👎🏼Bread ESPECIALLY BAGELS

👎🏼Mashed Potatoes

👎🏼Rice

👎🏼Ranch (but ilyyyyyyy)

👎🏼Granola

👎🏼Bananas

👎🏼Corn

👎🏼Peas

👎🏼Potatoes or Sweet Potatoes

👎🏼Chips or Fries

👎🏼Raisins

👎🏼Candy or Icecream

👎🏼Pizza

👎🏼Meat other than grilled chicken (My preference)

👎🏼Buttered Popcorn (except skinny pop)

Safe Foods:

✨Fish (Salmon and Mahi are the best)

✨Grilled chicken

✨Any fruits or veggies except bananas, avocados, potatoes, corn or peas

✨Green Tea

✨Sugar Free Foods (under 100 cals)

✨Skinny Pop

✨Sugar free jello

✨Eggs

✨Chili Peppers

✨Gum

✨Dark chocolate

✨Apple Cider Vinegar (If you are willing but it may effect your teeth so i’d suggest to wash you’re mouth but not brush teeth)

✨Blue Berries (BURNS FAT!!!)

✨Cinnamon

✨Greek Yogurt

✨Raw Veggies

✨Soup

✨Salad

✨Nuts

✨Oats

✨Straight up honey

✨Water (bruh)

✨Diet Sodas (that are 0 cal)

✨Ginger

✨Any thing super low in fats and under 100 cals

I suggest eating fat burning items or low fat items and also low calorie items too so you can eat a bunch of them and not have to worry like fruits and veggies! This was just my foods list also the calories depend on the brand except for natural items so i didn’t include them. I usually try to stay under 300 calories when i’m not fasting. I also suggest eating more than i do and allowing more items i’m just strict on myself. 🍇

🏋️𝙒𝙊𝙍𝙆𝙊𝙐𝙏𝙎 💪

This is my personal but i like to have a total net of -1000 or -900 calories (because i’m so young this doesn’t even burn but 3-4 pounds a week), i suggest more like 300 a day net 😅

What i like to do to burn those calories are:

✨ My 500 calorie workout- You can find this in one of my 30 day thinspo challenges.

✨Take cold baths- For my average time i’m in the bath I burn around 399 calories check out one of my older posts on how many calories you burn when in the cold bath for a certain time.

~Also I exchange for every night (because i lovveeeeee hot baths) so i take a hot bath one night but i do 2 rounds of my 500 calorie workout and then if it’s a cold bath night i do one 500 workout and a cold bath to burn 399 calories, also that’s on fasting days. On my restrictive days i burn 300 (look up ways there’s a bunch) and then a cold bath and one workout or two workouts and a hot bath.

😑 𝘽𝙊𝙍𝙀𝘿𝙊𝙈 💤

Days with none or lack of food can feel extremely lonnnggggggggg or can be extremely boring, here are something’s i do when i’m hungry, craving, or bored and trying not to eat~

✨Look at inspiration

✨Sleep

✨Excersize

✨Scroll on tumblr

✨Listen to music

✨Brush my teeth (stops cravings and makes ur teeth pretttyyyyy)

✨Bathe

✨Online School (CoRoNa TiMe or if you actually do this)/Homework

✨Clean out my food hiding place (if parents aren’t home)

✨Draw or do art

✨Shop Online (or irl after quarantine)

✨Plan Outfits for tomorrow

✨Text my frenz

✨Walk my dog

✨Bake (! DISCLAIMER !: I UNDERSTAND BEING IN THE KITCHEN IS AWFUL FOR CRAVINGS BUT JUST ONLY THINK ABOUT NOT EATING WHAT YOU’RE MAKING AND BEING KIND AND GIVING IT TO FAMILY)

✨Write down calories for when your away from the screen and around food

✨Think about how good hungry feels compared to how that food tastes

✨Hang out with friends but not if they are going out to eat (when this is over)

✨Study

✨Watch fat people eating/Fat people mukbangs

✨Watch fat people cringe or dancing cringe

✨Look at the mirror

💔𝘾𝙊𝙉𝘾𝙀𝙍𝙉𝙎 🥺

This will be referring to your questions and concerns about your eating disorder and ,if you are not ready to receive help (please do if you can), how to reply to your parental figures, families, and friends concerns and questions.

Your Questions and Concerns~

“What about my hair falling out?”

👒 If your hair is falling out i would suggest to look up ways to keep thinning hair in good condition and also buy hair strengthening products if possible. 👒

“I can’t do this!”

💞 DO NOT i repeat DO NOT DO THIS IS YOU DO NOT WANT TO! but if you want to but believe you can’t, just remember to stay strong and you got this!!! 💞

“Is it bad that i’m so cold always?”

🧤I mean it’s going to happen, it’s a symptom of not eating and also a symptom of being thin so it’s gonna happen. I suggest just putting on a jacket or a few layers of clothes on your cold area🧤

“How do i dodge meal time?”

🍽 Dodging mealtime is the worst struggle for me like ever! I just can’t do it! I also feel awful wasting food but if it comes to being thin, there’s no choice. I usually say i’m going to the bathroom and start up a conversation before and continue talking about it while leaving so they don’t notice i’m taking my plate to the bathroom and i just put it in my hiding place in my room (that’s right next to the bathroom) and if your room isn’t close to the bathroom then find a hiding place in the bathroom wether it’s putting a container under the towels or in a shelve i’ll find a place but then take a little longer and if they ask what took so long say you were fixing your hair (if you say this do it but fast) or you were trying to clean under your nails with soap, if they notice less food say you got hungry while fixing your hair (i recommend the hair one)🍽

“Why isn’t the ABC diet/Rainbow diet/other diets not working for me but others do?”

👎🏼This is because either you didn’t count cals correctly or because you didn’t workout enough but a lot of the time these are just not not for some people like a lot of diets aren’t enough for my preferred daily weight loss or are too high calorie for me to lose anything. 👎🏼

“How do i answer questions or comments my friends and family make?”

👇🏼 Answers are below! 👇🏼

Family and friends questions, comments, and concerns~

“Have you lost weight?”

-I suggest answering like “Not that i know of” or maybe “I’ve been sick” but for that one make sure your parents know you have recently so if one of them are asked by the family member who asked they say you were or lastly “I don’t think so, but i just started putting more effort into [sport you play or are practicing] recently so maybe but if any just a little.”-

“Are you okay? I’ve noticed you’ve lost weight?”

-I would say “Oh i’m totally great! I don’t think i’ve lost weight?”-

“You look great! Have you lost weight?”

-I would reply with “Oh thank you! Maybe a little, I’ve been eating healthier lately so maybe that made my skin clearer and me a little slimmer that’s all.” and the always “Not that i know of but thank you so much! May be it’s my new [clothing item], I think it flatters me!”-

“Are you sick?”

-I would say “No, I wouldn’t be at this gathering would i?” say it in a laughing tone not rude.-

“Jeez you’re a stick”/“Oh my god you’re so skinny!”

-I think you could just roll your eyes at “Jeez you’re a stick” and say “What?” at the second one.-

“Do you have an Eating Disorder?”

-This is very risky! I would only make an excuse if you are just not ready to get help yet. Please receive help if you can! but my excuse would be “What’s that, never heard of it?” and if they explain just say “Wow thats really weird i wonder why people would act like that?!”-

“Eat.”

-Classic “I already ate.”, “No thanks maybe in a bit!” and lastly “I had a big [meal before].”-

🦷 𝙃𝙔𝙂𝙀𝙉𝙀 🧼

Here are some eating disorder hygiene issues that and i will provide ways to prevent or deal with these.

•Lack of bodily functions (urination and excretion/defecation) ✨:YES I KNOW DISGUSTANG!!! as you should know under eating and drinking (which sometimes people under drink during eating disorders?) will have the effect of lack of these practices. i don’t think there are any healthy ways to prevent this if you are restricting and i DO NOT promote laxatives they can kill you! although i would deal with this simply by just not caring and maybe eating fruit which can help lol sorry i understand this is disgusting.

•Dental Hygiene ✨: as some people know the act of purging is common which can effect your dental hygiene and can even rot your teeth. i do not promote purging (or any other disordered eating acts BUT ESPECIALLY NOT PURGING!)! it is going to hurt you physically and mentally so if anything maximum restrict. but as we know you can’t just fix it by saying that so here are some tips to prevent teeth rot from purging~ {1. Don’t brush your teeth right after! this dissolves the enamel even more! 2. Floss and rinse mouth with water/mouthwash straight after 3. if you can, chew and spit an anti-acid} also anorexia can weaken bones and as we know teeth are bones so i just advise to brush your teeth every morning and night! 🦷✨

•Body Hair ✨: I understand this is also gross too but people who don’t care enough i want you to at least have good hygiene so if you starve enough to get lanugo (excess hair growth caused by cold temperatures due to starvation). You can keep these hairs or remove them i would advise to shave so you can appear nice but if you don’t care and would like to stay warm keep the hair!

🦴 𝙇𝙊𝙊𝙆𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙁𝙊𝙍 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙎𝙋𝙊 💞

This is something i find very sad because it’s very exclusive. so many POC are struggling with this evil illness are rarely seen in thinspo and if so they usually aren’t just modeling by themselves but with another pale person. I suggest that if you have a certain amazing attributes to you and your body look for thin people that are like you, and also the lack of curly hair in the industry is disappointing as well. I’d also just like to say most models are white, with blonde or brown hair and blue eyes but that literally is so exclusive so please just somebody find a diverse page. I’ll be posting some if i can find any! 🌎💞

When i find more things to write about i’ll add more xx 💖

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unabashegirl · 4 years

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Enticing (19)

Author’s note: Hi guys — I hope you are all having a wonderful night. There is not much to tell. We are still stuck in quarantine since the number of infected is still on the rise.

Let me know how everyone is doing! My birthday is right around the corner.

Also, had anyone seen the kid that vlogs, talks and laughs like David? I've seen the videos and he has copied all his mannerisms. It's so odd.

---

Y/N is oblivious to why David hates his father so much. It doesn't feel right to ask about such a deep-rooted issue. She only hopes that when the time is right and he reaches out.

"How come you never told me about your father?" David breaks the silence that has settled within the car. Interestingly enough, they have never talked about their families. They've talked about politics, art, traveling, and plenty of other things.

"I don't really know" She shrugs, there isn't a specific reason to why Y/N has kept the death of her father in the dark. She wasn't hiding it from anyone. It was just hard for her to talk about him without getting chocked up.

"Tell me about him" David's thumb continues to stroke the side of her thigh. It is mostly for his comfort. He enjoys her soft skin against his fingertips.

"My dad was wonderful. My mom to this day says that he was an average lover, but a magnificent father" Y/N swallows back, trying to control her emotions. "I had a great childhood. I wouldn't change a thing. I was spoiled, loved, and cared for" David remains quiet as he thinks about his own father. "We found out about his cancer during my freshman year of college. I begged him to let me stay just so I could take care of him. He was too selfless and forced me to leave" Y/N just wishes she had more time with him. She wishes that they had gone out more frequently to fish. It was his favorite hobby.

Mr. Y/L/N just progressively got sick after being diagnosed. It was aggressive and all her family could do was sit around and pray for the best. It essentially metastasized to his brain and lungs and left him in bed. His brain tumor made him lose his short term memory. It also caused him to lose the movement of the side of his body. The man in that bed those last few weeks wasn't her father. The tumor made him disoriented and confused. She still held his hand until his last breath. He died of respiratory failure on a very early morning.

"I am sorry" It isn't until David takes her hand in his that she realizes that she is silently crying. She smiles through her tears and quickly wipes them off her face.

"I guess it's just hard to accept the fact that he will never be there. He will miss my wedding and he will miss the birth of his grandchildren. He'll never get to see me as a fully grown adult" Y/N hates thinking about it, but someone will always be missing. "I still have my mom though."

He doesn't know what to say or respond. He feels like an actual dick for complaining about his father. Her father had died and there is nothing she can do to bring him back. Whilst he has his father very alive and all they do is fighting.

"What about your family?" They have just crossed to Queens. They are behind schedule. They had stopped for a coffee and a snack. Henry was also fuzzy since he isn't used to staying in his car seat for so long.

"Where do I start? My mother is an angel sent from heaven. I have a young sister named Allison. She is a lawyer. She just recently got engaged to Nate. He is in medical school. Lastly, there is my father. He used to be CEO of the company too" Y/N knows that she shouldn't, but she is still pretty nervous to meet the Dobrik clan. She just wants to make a great first impression.

"When is your sister getting married?" Mr. Dobrik senior didn't approve of Nathaniel. He worried that Nathaniel wouldn't be able to provide for his daughter. Nate was a bit lost and hadn't decided on what to study when he had proposed to Allison. Mr. Dobrik called him out and treated him like trash. David had to step in and ask his father to back off.

"Hopefully soon. My dad doesn't approve of Nathaniel" David explains, "He thinks he isn't enough for her. He says Nate is just common and ordinary" He rolls his eyes. David just doesn't understand the necessity that his father has for controlling everyone's lives.

"As long as they love one other, the rest doesn't matter" David smiles at his girlfriend's words as he continues the drive. His father can be impolite and make anyone feel very small. David just hopes that he doesn't overstep this time around.

While growing up, Mr. Dobrik always emphasized the importance of investing money in property. At the beginning that's what the house at the Hamptons was. None of the family members ever imagined the great joy and memories that it would give them. As soon as school was out Mrs. Dobrik would gather the kids in the car and move to the house.

During college it became that hang out place for David's friends. They would all fly in and stay at the mansion. Now it's the place where the family spends long weekends, holidays and summers. It doesn't matter the season or the temperature outside. The Hamptons house is the sanctuary of the Dobriks.

"David wait!" Y/N stops him before he can get out of the car. The palms of her hands are sweating and her legs feel wobbly. He let's go of the handle of the car and shift his body to face her. He can read her with just a glimpse of her face. "I'm scared" she exhales, "What if they hate me or don't approve?"

"Their impressions or opinions about you won't phase me or stir me away from you, baby" He holds her hands, "I would love for you guys to get along, but I also know how difficult they can be" David kisses her hands trying to ease her thoughts. He hopes his father keeps his comments to himself. He knows he will protect her at all costs. "Ready?"

She nods and gives him a small smile. David leans over and gives her a chaste kiss.

David is the first out of the car. He carries what is left of his venti Americano under his arm as he opens the trunk of the car. Y/N gets out a few seconds after him after taking a few deep breaths. She stretches out her legs and gathers the wrappers and trash that has accumulated in the car for the last two hours.

Y/N had planned out their trip based on Henry's naps. They arrive perfectly in time to wake him up from his last nap. She throws the diaper bag over her shoulder before moving to the seats in the back. Y/N doesn't want to wake him up abruptly since she knows how mad he can get. Plus, the whole point of planning their arrival at this time is for Henry to be happy and in his best mood to greet his grandparents.

"Hi baby" She whispers as she takes him out of his seat and into her arms. Y/N wraps a fluffy blanket over his small body before cuddling him close. She runs her index finger over his T-zone to get him to wake him up. Like clockwork, his eyes start fluttering and a small yawn escapes his lips. "How was your nap, bubba?" Y/N asks as she kisses his forehead. Before she can continue to cuddle him, loud squeak peers, through the air.

A younger woman, with dark, shoulder-length hair comes running out of the house towards David. She wears black leggings and a baggy sweater with a top bun.

Allison Dobrik is the spitting image of her older brother with the feminine touch of their mother. She is shorter than David but just as ferocious. She isn't like the girls she used to play with. Allison is independent and very stubborn. She hates when she is compared to her older brother or her father.

"Look at you!" David laughs as he hugs her tightly as he spins her around. The only woman beside her mother and Y/N to call him out in his bullshit is Allison. "God you are heavy" He exhales after setting her back down on the floor.

"Are you calling me fat, asshole?" She asks as she smacks his stomach. "Not all of us have a private gym and chefs" Allison is an environmental lawyer. She spends most of her days advocating for clean technology and climate change law. It is her greatest passion.

"What's mine is yours. I've told you this a million times" Allison rolls her eyes at her older brother. Allison and David text most days and they let each other know about their days. David most days tries to convince her to move back to Manhattan. She currently lives in D.C with her fiance. Henry's cooing causes Allison to turn her attention to his girlfriend. "This is Y/N, -- my girlfriend".

For a second, Allison is taken back and surprised by her older brother's words.

"Hello" Y/N shyly smiles as she tries to get Henry to suck on his pacifier. Allison smiles back at Y/N.

"Hi! It's so nice to meet you!" Allison is very protective of her brother mostly because he is always around dumb and superficial girls. She can perceive by the looks of Y/N that she isn't like the rest. She is different so Allison is willing to give her a chance.

"Likewise" Y/N exhales, content with the first exchange of words. Allison's attention turns to Henry. "Here is your nephew. He is a little bit out of it because he just woke up" Allison smiles widely to the little boy and reaches out for him.

"Hi baby. I missed you! You are so big already!" Allison kisses his chubby cheeks before giving him a gentle hug. "What are you giving him?" She asks surprised at his growth. Allison had been there for the birth of Henry and hadn't seen him since he was two weeks old.

"Just milk" Y/N beams as she tickles his belly with her index finger. David shuts and locks the car before approaching them, carrying the bags.

"and lots of love" He says giving Y/N a quick kiss on the cheek before walking past by. Allison giggles at Y/N's blushed cheeks. Allison instantly finds their small interaction cute. She had never seen his brother be affectionate with another woman.

"Come on" Allison urges her towards the main entrance of the house. Y/N can already hear David yelling their arrival when she walks into the beautiful residence.

Just like most houses a lamp hangs from the ceiling of the house by the entrance. The interior of the house is painted in white. At the right of the entryway staircases are leading upstairs and downstairs. David settles the suitcases by the front door before turning to close the door after Y/N.

"Here" he notices her carrying the diaper bag and some of Henry's blankets and toys.

"I don't mean to be rude or state the obvious, but this house is huge!" She whispers to her boyfriend. David chuckles and intertwines their hands before turning back to Allison who is making faces to Henry.

"Where is the rest of the herd?" Allison laughs and shakes her head at him.

"They are in the living room" She rolls her eyes before leading the way into the living room.

Mrs. Dobrik stands in the bar that is situated on the side of the living room. She is pouring her own cup of red wine when she hears her kids walk in.

"I thought I heard the car!" She says as she places the wine bottle down and faces up. "Hi sweetie!" Mrs. Dobrik beams as she approaches the couple. She is quick to notice them holding hands and the way that Y/N is shyly standing behind David. She cups David's face and kisses both of his cheeks. "I've missed you so much"

"I missed you more" David responds as he hugs her with a single arm. "This is Y/N"...

TAGS: @getmepizzza, @imsad05, @yourwonderbelle, @nohalohoseok, @lavendercuddles, @2007rh, @marvelgirl2118, @jeezkiddo, @beeechhh, @duh-dobrik, @kllycole, @meanlopz817, @snazzydobrik, @frickin-bats, @wonderlandlovelove, @millie-753, @hollietee1, @cubanidiot, @itsdaviddobrik, @justlikehufflepuff, @clarissahunter, @saltysebastianstan, @daviddobrikssflamethrower, @sloaneemily, @unfitmisfit, @blueyedstarlight13, @galaxy-moon, @alyssajunell, @crowdedimagines, @pineappledobrik, @roxyedobrik, @owenniasstars, @didyouheartherain

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nockfellblues · 4 years

Note

Everyones reacton to the 5th memder of the gang that dosent talk mutch , says a maximum of three sords per day gets in a fight with travis and he says something along the lines of "you dont have anything to say pu$$y" and thate responce is "dont mistake my silense for weekness. after all, no one plots a merder out loud". and that one statement is the longest thing that they say in the whole time the group knew them.

How’s everyone’s quarantine going?

Sal: Dear Sally is a boy of not too many words himself, so he vibes with the new kid super well. They both probably get really good at communicating nonverbally with hand gestures(maybe ASL?) and body language when its just the two of them. The new kid very rarely says anything when Travis gets into their business, preferring to make rude gestures in turn, so when they finally snap on Travis he feels like he has whiplash- one minute they’re in the hall while Travis berates them (like usually does) and, honestly, Sal is bored with it at this point, when they slam their locker door shut and round on Travis like a storm. They fly off on a blue streak of insults about Travis’ stupid hair and his stupid shoes and his stupid sweater and his dumb voice before calling him a few choice explicatives the teacher would have been pissed to hear. Travis stands there absolutely dumbfounded because this weird kid has literally never said a word to him before this. “ Cat got your tongue, Traaaavis? Never mistake my silence for fear. No one plots a murder out loud.” Cue poor Sal absolutely fighting for his life to not start absolutely cracking up at the look of terror that blooms over Travis’ face.

Larry: This boy talks too much so, naturally, he just fills in the space that the new kid’s silence leaves. He’s not super attentive when it comes to nonverbal communication, but shrugs, nods, and simple gestures are more than enough for him to get an idea. He also has a habit of vocalizing for them to the group, even if it’s not really necessary, and he sort of becomes an unspoken “translator,” for them. Travis homes in on this like a heat seeking missile, but the new kid takes his trash-talking like a champ and watches quietly as Larry threatens him in every way possible anytime they interact. One miserable day in spring, though, they finally snap on him like a rubber band . They’re listening to Larry talk and digging something out of their locker when Travis rounds the corner and purposefully slams their locker, slamming their fingers in the door before roughly shoulder-checking them into the line of lockers. Larry immediately starts yelling threats, but the new kid cuts him off with a wildly monotone tirade of angry words involving his parents, ancestors and his proverbial dog too- and Travis is stunned, gaping like a fish, because this kid has never said a word out loud. Admittedly, Larry is floored, too. They smirk, “What, didn’t think I could talk? Sorry to break it to you, I’ve just been too busy plotting how to dispose of your body to waste time talking to you.” Travis books it down the hall in shocked terror and Larry absolutely loses it practically crying, laughing hysterically.

Ash: The new kids lack of verbal responses makes her a little nervous at first. She’s used to her chatty friends, her overly chatty brother, and the general constant noise of school. So having someone in the friend group that might talk enough to count on one hand on a good day was a little weird. But, she’s also so quick to adapt to weird in any situation and takes to the quiet companionship like a fish to water. Unlike everyone’s favorite bully, Travis, who though their new friend would made a wonderful target since they never talked back when he was bing an asshole. Ash usually would tell Travis to mind his mouth and direct them away from the issue and back to the rest of the group. But everyone has a breaking point. It had been a long week of crunch-studies for the upcoming standardized testing and everyone was tired, burnt out, and in a generally not good mood. Ash had accompanied them to grab a forgotten study guide so they could crunch some more over their lunch period when Travis decided to rear his ugly head. Roughly shouldering them into a row of nearby lockers he laughed obnoxiously and spat a few choice insults regarding their silence as Ash helped them up, telling him in no uncertain words to kindly fuck off. “You know,” they started, taking their scattered books from Ash, “the only reason I don’t talk, Travis, is that I’m too busy. Don’t take my silence as weakness, dude. No one plans a murder out loud.” Travis was speechless as Ash snorted a thinly veiled laugh, linking arms and heading down the hall and leaving Travis to stew.

Todd: Todd didn’t even blink twice when the new kid turned out to be mostly non-verbal, and shocked the whole gang when he signed to the new kid asking if they also knew ASL. Communication came easy to them and Todd becomes the deaf to translator on days when they’re totally non-verbal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as cool about it as Todd, so it’s no surprise when Travis decides to set his eyes on the new kid. Todd’s not much of a talker when it comes to Travis, preferring to just completely ignore him and they would walk away, figuring that if they didn’t react it wouldn’t entertain him into doing it more. Of course, on more than one occasion, Todd got frustrated enough to tell Travis to fuck off, though in less explicit terms... so when the new kid finally hit a breaking point, it was no surprise. It was Friday and they were both heading to the library during their free period to get in some extra studying before their Chemistry test that afternoon. Travis rounded the corner and deliberately shoulderchecked the new kid into the row of lockers on the other side of the hall. Todd told him where to shove his attitude before helping them gather up their scattered books. Of course Travis carried on with a slew of insults as they both ignored him, sorting their study materials on the lenolium. With a heaving sigh, the new kid gave Travis a dead-pan stare and stood up. “Travis, the reason I never talk to you is because tour idiocy is just not worth my time. Besides, no one plans revenge out loud, do they?” Todd choked back a chuckle a they started walking back towards the library, leaving a positively steaming-furious Travis in the empty hallway.

#sally face #sally face imagines #sally face headcanon #sal fisher #larry johnson #ashley campbell #todd morrison #whew sorry not my best #i need to stretch the crestive muscle a bit #my writing

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etraytin · 4 years

Text

Quarantine, Days 174-175

September 1-2

My computer is even more kaput than usual, which is why I didn't post last night and also why I am using my son's laptop to post with tonight. He has not only this very nice laptop we got him for Christmas, but the school has also issued him a Chromebook for virtual learning, making him about 1000% more technologically up to date than I am. He has magnanimously declared that he wants me to get a new laptop very soon so we can play Minecraft together and have a house, since he has been living in various abandoned houses since he joined his multiplayer server. I said it sounded suspiciously like he wanted me to play Minecraft with him so he could live in my house, same as real life. He thought that was pretty funny.

I was bummed I couldn't post last night because something very nice happened to me yesterday. I was down to literally my last two tablespoons of kitten formula, when the mail carrier arrived and dropped off a new can of formula, sent by somebody from Tumblr who read my post the other night and sent me one from my fostering wishlist. It was literally just in the nick of time, and it made my day. Made Audiva's day too, since she is still deeply stubbornly refusing to try wet food on a plate, and made the other kittens day too because they will eat wet food but still love to get a hit from the bottle. I got another can of formula today as well, and it was amazing! It is so nice to not have to stress out about whether the kitten is going to learn to eat before I run out of food it will eat already. So thank you so, so, so much to the kind people who sent those to me!

Not a lot else happened yesterday, I spent a large portion of the day doing laundry, trying to catch up on the massive pile that accumulated in the hallway. Our laundry area is just a little closet in the side of the living room, so it sometimes happens that if we get too many clean clothes and do not fold them, the pile tips over and falls on the floor. Or the kiddo digs through the pile in such a way that it winds up all over the floor. In any case, it's on the floor, stuff gets stepped on, it's hard to know what is clean or dirty. The problem is exacerbated during kitten times, when I am too tired to deal with things, or when one of us is away and the other one is carrying the household. It was pretty bad this time, so I just called a do-over, washed everything, and folded it as soon as it came out of the dryer. I also went through and put a bunch of stuff in the donations bag so we have a slightly more manageable number of clothes as well.

The kiddo had a day of ups and downs, he won back and lost his electronics privileges in a matter of hours because he cannot stay off the multiplayer server, so that's not super great. To keep him busy, I gave him my last big moving box, which I finally unpacked a mere two years after our move (it had some clothes in it I'd completely forgot I owned! Many of which are now being donated!) He spent a fair amount of the day in the box, cutting out windows and listening to his new clock radio. It's a bummer when he loses his electronics because he hates it, but it's nice to see him stretching his brain and finding alternative things to do as well. I got creative with boxes too; I finally pulled out my Dremel and assembled the nebulizer box I've been collecting pieces for. Now it is fully ready for next time I need to give a sick kitten or cat inhalant medicine! We had several of these at my rescue back in Florida, and they are great.

I made us sushi for supper and we watched several episodes of The Good Place together before bed. For a quiet day, I guess we actually got a lot done.

Today was a little busier, I did more laundry, fed the kittens more, tried to organize a little more. MIL is doing better and my husband hopes to come home this weekend, so I have a deadline for all my self-imposed goals now! We also spent the evening trapping cats because a friend of mine has a sick kitten and couldn't go out tonight. So the kiddo and I got fast food for dinner and ate it while traveling down to our first trapping site, which was in an affluent neighborhood full of big samey houses with fenced backyards. When I'm driving the truck I feel more self-conscious about going into neighborhoods like this than into bad neighborhoods, where nobody wrinkles up their nose at a noisy old truck. But the truck survived another night, good job, truck! We caught one cat at that site, then went to the fish market to try and fill our quota. There are lots of cats at the fish market, but we only managed to catch one more that was not tagged. We left at the right time, though,because it started to rain really hard just ten minutes or so after we got home.

Tomorrow the kiddo gets his electronics back, with the caveat that all electronics must be used in the living room or master bedroom, not in his own room or the kitten room until further notice. We'll see how that works out. I'm also going to have a very unpleasant afternoon at the dentist getting a crown put on, so wish me luck there. Two hour appointment is never something you want to hear from the dentist's receptionist. I will probably be in a very unpleasant mood by tomorrow night, so I will try to enjoy tonight's good mood while it lasts.

#quarantine #nebulizer #foster kittens #tnr

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purplesurveys · 4 years

Text

772

What was the last thing you threw at someone? A piece of meat for my dog to run for. Well, walk and sniff around for. He’s an old guy and doesn’t run anymore unless we’re taking him out for a walk. Do you follow recipes? I always certainly have to, since I don’t have any one dish memorized. I’ll start off with a collection of recipes for sure, but I’m hopeful that I’ll be at least a decent cook over the next few years. Where's the last place you had an itch? The area behind my knee.

Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them? It’s always important to have eye contact to show you’re paying attention so yeah. But I know it can get uncomfortable for most people at some point – and me – so I’ll give my eyes a break and look at their forehead, their nose, the space between their eyes, etc. When you look into someone's eyes, can you see their pain? Uh no, I don’t look that intensely lmao. And even then, I’ve learned over the years that most people are very good in hiding or playing off their true emotions that even if I try to find something off, I’ll likely turn up with nothing.

When was the last time you sneezed? Midnight today. How do you act under pressure? It will depend on how much there is to do and how much time there is left. I don’t have one permanent behavior for every time I feel pressured, which is pretty often. Who did you last say "I love you" to? My dog. Do you ever call people just to hear the sound of their voice? Yes, back when everything was normal I’d sometimes call my girlfriend just to drop by and say hi, and also because our schools are a little far apart and I’ll miss her in the middle of the day. School usually stresses her out so I do that as a pick-me-up for her. When was the last time you used a glue stick? January maybe? Our profs always ask us to submit index cards with our contact details and a 1x1 photo at the start of the semester, so there’s a good chance I asked to borrow glue from someone to paste my photo onto the card. What was the last startling noise you heard? Some dipshit on my Twitter feed decided it was good fun to share a jumpscare disguised as an innocent, cute video at 3 AM. I was mad about it then and I’m still mad as hell about it now lol. Do you ever look back at your yearbooks? I did this a lot as a kid. Idk why, I found it interesting to get to know the people in my school and read their write-ups I guess. I stopped looking back on them precisely because I did it too much when I was younger. Do you ever want to be prom queen/king? No. I did not give a shit about prom at all. I really would’ve happily skipped out on it but my school is a complete killjoy and made both attendance and bringing a date mandatory for everyone. No stags, can you believe it? It’s like when Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine Nine said “Have a good time, I specifically requested it” lol Are you tired? Tired of this quarantine, yes. But I took a nap not too long ago so I’m not feeling to sleepy in that sense. Have you ever ran from the police? I haven’t done anything for them to have to do run after me, so no. Are you afraid of clowns? Not really. I was never exposed to them much so I always just saw them as people in heavy makeup that do balloon animals and other funny tricks. Have you ever written on someone's face in your yearbook? HAHA yes. When my sister and I were kids we bickered a lot, and in one of our fights I thought it’d be funny to doodle on her kinder portrait. She didn’t think so and she started wailing - just in time, I heard my mom coming home and I had to think fast so my sister a) stopped crying and b) wouldn’t tell on me. So I did the stupidest thing and also doodled on my own prep portrait to make her feel better. She calmed down and my mom never found out. When was the last time you made dinner? I *helped* my dad make dinner a few months ago. I haven’t completed a meal myself. Do you have any special plans coming up? They’re gonna be mellowing down the lockdown rules in my province by the 15th and I’m really hoping to see Gabie soon. Realistically I doubt it would happen as I don’t think both our parents would agree to it, but it’s still nice to keep hoping. Did you just lose the game? Yep, but I really only found out about this game from Reddit a few months ago and I didn’t grow up having to play it, so I’m never all too pissed off or like emotionally invested in general whenever I lose it haha. What is a class at school you are interested in taking? There are global studies electives that I was unaware of until someone told me to take them after I enrolled for my last sem in collefge. There are courses on Turkish culture, global gastronomy, and they also had past courses on ‘Diversity on Perspectives on Peace and Conflict,’ ‘Cultures of Disasters,’ and ‘Cultures and their Global Entanglements.’ They all sound right up my alley and am disappointed no one told me sooner. Do you hold on to your dreams? Some of them, the ones I know I have a chance of attaining. Obviously I’ve had to let some go, like wanting to go to the moon or becoming a firefighter. Do you follow rules or break them? Follow. I don’t like getting into trouble. Is there someone you are dying to see? A lot of people. Who do you want to be buried next to? I’ve given this zero thoughts. Are you double-jointed? Nope. Did your dream last night involve blood? It didn’t. I’m not even sure what my dreams were anymore. Who was the last person to yell at you? My mom, probably. How do you feel about the new president? I wouldn’t call him new, he’s in the latter half of his term now. I hate him and I hope he dies soon. Do good things come to those who wait? Sure, it can happen. What is the last song you played on iTunes? I haven’t used that in a while. The last one I listened to on Spotify was Sudden Desire by Hayley Williams. Petals For Armor is still on loop, surprise. What is the last thing you looked up on youtube? I was showing my sister the hilarious Vine of Beyoncé where she thanks a talk show host who tells her “You are Beyoncé,” as if it was a compliment looooool, so I looked up “you are beyonce thank you.” When is the last time you went to the grocery store? March 9th. What is your favorite fish? Tuna or eel for raw fish, tilapia for cooked. What kind of calendar do you have? A digital one. Have you ever been two hours late for school? Oh hell no. I’ve been late before, but if it’s as dramatic as being an hour late I usually just cut class to save myself the embarassment of having to do the walk of shame entering the class. What is your favorite stuffed animal that you own? I don’t have any stuffed animals. Who did you hang out with yesterday? My family, as has been the case since March. Has anyone stolen your heart yet? Yes. Have you ever won a gold medal? No. I’ve won first place before, but they didn’t issue out gold medals. Do you have any trophies? Also no. Do you work out? I don’t. When you introduce yourself, do you give hand shakes? Sometimes, but tbh I just picked it up from Gabie who’s a big hand-shaker. I preferably wouldn’t cause it seems so formal to me. Is there a limit to how many best friends you have? Yeah, like I wouldn’t want to have a lot; I like keeping my immediate circle small. I’m more than content with my two best friends. When's the last time you went to a dance? 2016. What grade are you in? Soooooooooo unbelievably close to graduating college. Are you in a band? I’m not and haven’t been. Have you ever been in a talent show? No thanks. Have you ever won a contest? Competitions, yes. Contests, no. How do you feel about germs? I’m quite particular about them. I don’t like sharing clothes with people; I pick which friends get to eat off of my spoon or sip from my straw; I’m super iffy about touching someone else’s keyboard; I really don’t like having to touch other people’s hair and with that is also the fact that I never borrow or lend hair ties. Holy shit so I’m more germaphobic than I thought and all I had to do was list these things down......................... Do you like screamo music? Not really. What does your wallet look like? Pink and a lot thinner now that I haven’t been given an allowance since they stopped school. Do you have any hickeys on you? No. At this point, I really wish I did lmao Would you rather have money or love? Money. I love love, but I won’t deny that I also love being able to afford the lifestyle I want to live haha. Do you have any family pictures hanging on the wall? Not on the wall, but we have several frames lined up on the first few steps of our stairs. Which do you prefer: bath or shower? Bath after a long hard day. Shower most days. Do you have a lamp in your room? I used to, but I removed it after realizing the light just keeps me from falling asleep faster.

Do you have windows vista? No. Do you have the strength to say goodbye forever? I’ll deal with it if I had no choice, but I’ve never handled goodbyes well.

#survey #surveys

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bich-the-moss · 4 years

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50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked Before

Thank you @agoodafternoon !!!

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

Black

2. A food you never eat?

Not a fan of most fish

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

My hands and feet are always freezing. I’m pretty sure it’s a circulation issue.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Trying to enroll in classes for next semester before realizing that I can’t take most of the ones I picked out because my advisor approved my schedule without telling me i needed to complete pre-reqs for them 🙃

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

Three Musketeers

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event?

I got to see 2 SF Giants games in middle school.

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

What is this? Weeb Central?

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

Brownie

9. What was the last thing you drank?

white zinfandel

10. Do you like your wallet?

It’s fine. I want to get a smaller one though.

11. What was the last thing you ate?

Carnita quesadilla

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

No, last time I bought clothes was right before everything shut down for quarantine.

13. The last sporting event you watched?

I think it was the Super Bowl?

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

White cheddar

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?

My pal Tony.

16. Ever go camping?

A few times with my family. We went to Sequoia Park twice when I was 11-12 and then we camped on a beach in San Diego a few years ago.

17. Do you take vitamins?

Collagen pills to help with my hair. It’s not very thick and it falls out easily if I’m stressed. They’re kind of helping though.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

Sort of. My family is pretty religious, so I kind of have to go. But my parents go through dry phases where they won’t even think about going to church for a few months. It’s off and on.

19. Do you have a tan?

My mom likes to say I’m the J-Lo of the family. White in winter, Mexican in summer.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

Chinese

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

If it’s an open cup with ice, I’ll take a straw.

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

White

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

Always.

24. What terrifies you?

Hurting people

25. Look to your left, what do you see?

My window and curtains

26. What chore do you hate?

Folding laundry

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

Outback Steakhouse

28. What’s you favorite soda?

Pepsi

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

I like going in and sitting inside.

30. Favorite cut of beef?

Carne asada

31. Who’s the last person you talked to?

My sister

32. Last song you listened to?

Half a Person by The Smiths

33. Last book you read?

Just Kids by Patti Smith

34. Favorite day of the week?

Thursdays are underrated

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Yes

36. How do you like your coffee?

Bold but sweet

37. Favorite pair of shoes?

My docs for casual stuff. Chelsea boots for things I want to dress up for.

38. At what time do you normally go to bed?

Who knows anymore? 1-4 am?

39. At what time do you normally get up?

9:30-11 am

40. Sunrise or sunset?

Sunset

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

1, it’s too hot for 2

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

I have two sets. Circular ones that come is purple, red, orange, and green, and square plates that are all teal.

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

White wines and rosé are fun. Triple Sec is good too.

44. Do you play cards?

Nope

45. What color is your car?

Black

46. Can you change a tire?

I’ve never had to, but I think I can figure it out

47. What is your favorite state/province?

I like California even though everyone in my area hates living here lmao

48. Favorite job you ever had?

I was a barista up until everything shut down. I hated most of the customers, but the actual work was fun

49. How did you get your biggest scar?

I have two noticeable scars that are about the same size so I’ll just talk about both.

The scar on my thigh is from walking through some bushes. We were at a barbecue, it was getting late, and I had to carry my little brother to the car. I took a short cut through the bushes on the side of the house and scraped my leg on a stray branch. It wasn’t bad at all, but still left a scar. It’s faded a lot over time too, so it’s down to about 3 inches.

The scar on my ankle is just a bad shaving accident. I managed to take a chunk out because I was too busy singing Young Americans to pay attention.

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy?

A friend of mine is really touch starved. She didn’t get much physical affection growing up and she has an aversion to touch now. She got drunk and sick last night/this morning, so I came over to help her. I asked if I could rub her back while she was throwing up and she was fine with it. Then at one point she said “this is the most anyone has ever touched me. It’s nice.” She hugged me for the first time when she started to sober up

I’m too lazy to tag everyone so if you see this, consider yourself tagged <3

#tag game #long post

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phonaesthemes · 4 years

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a list of asks

@padawanyugi tagged me in this, but Tumblr decided to eat any notification that I got tagged, so I’m glad I saw it on my dash because I like filling these things out. Thanks for tagging me! I may have typed A Lot.

Favorites: What types of books do you enjoy? Tell about what you’ve read recently (Or maybe about a book you hated recently!)I like spec-fic and sci-fi, although less “hard” science fiction, and I also enjoy fantasy. I read a lot of YA even though I’m in my 30s just because it seems easy to find a story I want to read and I’m not usually in the mood for dense prose.

I’ve been rereading the Wheel of Time series since it’s getting an Amazon TV show; it was my first non-LOTR fantasy series and I love it to death, warts and all, although I love joking about the weak points with other people who’ve read it. I think the last other thing I read was A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, which was a queer YA historical fiction, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I’d had access to all these queer stories when I was an actual teenager, but better late than never.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Share five songs from your music library. I really do like a bit of everything, although I gravitate towards certain genres more often depending on the season or time of day, so I’m going to cheat and pick 5 per season. Summer for me is lots of peppy pop (pride playlists!), punk and rock and punk-adjacent stuff, just upbeat stuff in general. -Weekender, by The Royal They -Break My Heart, by Dua Lipa -Toutes les femmes savent danser, by Loud -Ruby Soho, by Rancid -Womanarchist, by Bad Cop, Bad Cop

In the fall, my inner goth kid craves darkwave, goth rock, dramatic folk, roots rock, and also anything that reminds me of Halloween. -Iuka, by the Secret Sisters -Bela Lugosi’s Dead, by Bauhaus -How’s It Gonna End, by Tom Waits -Under the Milky Way, by The Church -I Put a Spell on You, by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I could go on about the Christmas music I like at length (Boney M’s Christmas album slaps, ngl) but I’ll just skip that and say that I listen to more classical and piano pieces in the winter. I’m terrible at remembering names, so artists only: -Ludovico Einaudi -Chopin -Debussy -Saint-Saëns -Dvořák And in spring I’m usually just depressed af and listen to whatever. -FML, by K.Flay -Weird Part of the Night, by Louis Cole -Juodaan Viinaa, by Korpiklaani -P.O.H.U.I., by Carla’s Dreams -Marryuna, by Baker Boy

Do you have a show or movie that you can just put on anytime and it’s your comfort? Definitely Star Trek. I’ve rewatched the various iterations (except TOS) so many times. Also Mean Girls and Bring It On, idk why.

Do you have a favorite dessert? Tiramisu or creme brulée! Or macarons. I don’t eat dessert really unless I’m at a restaurant.

Do you have a favorite cold drink? Sparkling water, hands down.

Do you have a favorite game? The hours I have put into the SIms in my lifetime is probably shameful, although I haven’t played in a while. Don’t Starve is another contender for hours played, but I am also really fond everything by Amanita Design

Do you have a favorite part of your self care/beauty/health routine? I haven’t been doing it much lately since I’ve been dealing with some uncertain health issues with my joints (actually have a rheumatologist appointment later today), but savasana after a long yoga workout is borderline ecstasy.

Do you have a favorite type of take-out food? Indian for sure.

What’s your favorite type of exercise/physical activity? I have a love-hate relationship with running. I don’t actually love it but I love how I feel after. I really enjoy yoga. I love playing in the water at the beach, bodyboarding and swimming.

Pick between: (you choose the context)

Cook or bake? (I love cooking A Lot)

Space or ocean? (Hard to pick, but I grew up by the ocean and it’s 100% my happy place)

Chocolate or vanilla?

City or suburb or rural? (I grew up in an isolated rural village and I miss the quiet and the slower pace of life, but I do not miss the lack of amenities and opportunities, or the smalltown gossip. I also don’t drive bc of epilepsy, so I’m fucked as far as transport in rural settings.)

Past or future?

Shower in the morning or evening?

Mac/Apple or PC/Android? (Linux in general!)

Sing or dance? (I don’t have an amazing voice but I can carry a tune without it being painful, and I love singing along with songs.)

Get up early or sleep in? (I actually love sleeping in but with two kids, early morning is my only time to myself, so I wake up before 6 most days AGGH.)

Shoes, socks, or bare feet? (Hate socks. I’m barefoot at home all year round.)

Marker, crayon, or pencil? Pen!

Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? (Coffee in the morning, tea later on.)

Random questions:

Have you ever had any pets? (Had dogs and a cat as a kid, and as an adult I’ve had betta fish and cats, and I have a cat currently.)

What is your academic background/job field? I did my undergrad in linguistics, and I am currently a stay-at-home dad lol. I do freelance editing and transcription on the side. I don’t think I’ll ever work in my field bc I really don’t have the energy to go to grad school.

What’s something random that you’re into (even if you aren’t good at it)? I signed up for a Cape Breton step dancing class in university and I loved it.

Are you good at putting away your clean laundry right away? It depends on the day, but generally yes. Mine and everyone else’s. When I lived alone? Absolutely not.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Someone trying to have a conversation with me when they have the radio or TV on. I can’t follow what you’re saying if someone else is speaking! I hate having that stuff on as background noise in general.

What’s something you’re pretty good at? I’m a great cook.

What’s the most recent nice thing you bought for yourself? A new conditioner ig? lol

Can you sew? I can mend a small tear or sew on a button, but it’s been years since I did more than that.

What’s a chore you hate (or a chore you enjoy)? I hate vacuuming so much. So much. Maybe if I had a better vaccuum cleaner I wouldn’t mind it, but I just feel like I’m fighting with the stupid thing, getting caught up on its own cords, caught on furniture, can’t quiiiite reach a spot... HATE IT. I like shoveling snow sometimes, though.

Tell us a fun fact about yourself. I am 20 years older than my youngest sibling, and five minutes younger than my “oldest” sibling.

Never have I ever... Gone fishing, even though I’m from a fishing community.

What extracurriculars did/do you do in school? In high school, I played trumpet in band until the band got dissolved from lack of funding. I played soccer one year, was in a play another year. We had an art club for like a semester that I was in. In university the first time round, I did step dancing and intramural hide and seek Second time around, I was in the linguistics club to help with assignments. (We were very much encouraged to work in pairs or groups for a lot of different classes. The only thing was that you did need to list your group members on the assignment so the prof knew who you worked with. My first morphology class in particular, we had a whole homework club where a huge portion of the class got together to work through assignments and help each other understand, and the prof would quite often show up. </tangent>

Deeper questions:

How’s your quarantine/last few months been? The cabin fever was really bad before the weather warmed up. I struggle with seasonal depression every spring, and it’s gotten much worse since we moved to Edmonton because of how long the winters are. (Snow from September to May/June? Fucccck.) It’s frankly horrifying to look at what’s going on in the US, but even though we have far fewer cases here, I’m really anxious that we’ll see another wave soon. Otherwise, I think I’ve adjusted. Home-schooling, hand-sanitizing, social distancing, masks...All feels kind of normal now, which should maybe concern me.

What do you think of human nature/society/etc.? I am like the least philosophical person you will meet so I don’t think I really have many thoughts.

What’s something you are insecure about? Writing my L2 if a native speaker is gonna read it.

What do you think is the meaning of life/reason that humans exist in the universe? I don’t think there is one, and that doesn’t bother me.

Do you think you’re better (whatever that means to you) than you used to be? Definitely. My adolescence and early adulthood was rough. I was dealing with a lot of trauma, untreated bipolar disorder, and I self-harmed for a very long time. I could not imagine making it to 30, let alone being stable and happy. I actively avoided thinking about the future because it made me spiral. But I was lucky enough to get help, consistent help from a doctor I clicked with, and it made a world of difference. I think younger me would be disappointed at how mundane my life is, but I’m thrilled to be boring because boring means no life-upending mood episodes. I have a happy partnership and two delightful kids and I couldn’t ask for more.

What are your thoughts on religion? I’m not religious and my own experience being raised in the Catholic church was frankly traumatic, but I know that it’s a source of comfort and community for many others and I think that’s awesome for them.

Do you think that there are aliens out there? I think so, although I think that we may not even know what other kinds of life to look for and may not recognize it even if we find it.

What’s something that’s been on your mind recently? We’re moving cross-country in less than a month (driving, no less, nearly 5000 km) and I still have so much to do to get ready aosjdoajdoasijdoaijsd

#personal #long post #in which i ramble about myself a great deal #@padawanyugi

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goodnessmarygrace · 4 years

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Part two of my POTS story...

So where I left off last time is when corona came around.

At this point, my symptoms were affecting my mental health as much as my physical. I could not focus in school. Therefore, my grades were harder to maintain and I hardly had enough energy left for the FFA contests and other organizations I was part of. I couldn’t sleep at night no matter how tired I was. When I did get a decent amount of sleep, I never felt well rested. My “everything is fine” mask was slipping hard. I cried nearly everyday. My anxiety was raging and I constantly felt terrible for not meeting all of my teacher’s and peer’s expectations. It dawned on me that my track season was done for, whether or not the pandemic took it. It was was March and I still couldn’t run my events without nearly collapsing. Everything getting cancelled was a relief because I didn’t get embarrassed from being such a mess everyday. I had so many “diagnoses” that I assumed people probably thought I was making it up. I even thought I was making it up. I brainwashed myself again. It was stressful. Everything was so uncertain that I avoided telling anyone anything about my many doctor appointments or deteriorating health.

When quarantine began, the real healing process began as well. I went to a doctor who helped me immensely. She told me to rest for 6 weeks. No exercise. This time, I was willing to do it since I was home. I had time to sleep and no longer had to juggle all of the stuff I was in. I spent time doing what I like to do, taking walks and looking at nature, being creative and using my artistic abilities, reading and getting closer to GOD again. I could finally take a deep breath. I realized that perfectionism and anxiety ruined my mind. I drew near to GOD in prayer and told Him that whatever happened next, I would trust His plan. This is the point in my life that I truly learned what trust and faith meant. I had many more doctor appointments to come. Through them all, I learned hope. I had to have hope that GOD would guide my doctors and help us to reach a diagnosis.

I was diagnosed with sinus arrhythmia and (misdiagnosed) with an incomplete RBBB and right axis diviation. I was also diagnosed with vocal cord disfunction, not asthma. When my mom noticed my shaking, (the shaking that I had been experiencing for the past year and thought was normal) we went to a neurologist. It was the neurologist who figured out the real problem though. He listened to my wild and crazy medical history story and all the happenings of the past few years. He seemed perplexed at first and deeply sad that I’d had so many issues. He had me hooked to a heart monitor (I’m a natural at those babies by now) and had me lie down. Then I sat up for a little before going to standing. I watched the screen with excitement. Was he seeing anything? All I could see was my heart rate increase. It went from the 60s to 100s in a matter of minutes. He told me I had something called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS for short. I didn’t really think too much about it. He didn’t explain what it was or anything and I assumed it was some harmless thing. I had bigger fish to fry. I had an MRI ordered to check on my spinal cord to see if it was tethered. I also was referred to a cardiologist. Call me crazy, but I actually hoped my spinal cord was tethered. That would mean that some of the weakness, clumsiness, numbness, tingling, chronic constipation, leg pain, and other muscular issues in my lower half could be cured or treated with a surgery. I prayed very hard in the next week that I had a tethered cord so that some of my problems could be fixed. I didn’t think very much about my POTS. As I prayed for my cord to be the answer, I also prayed that I would be able to recover if I didn’t get the diagnosis. And when the results came in and I was indeed “just fine,” I could take the disappointment. I decided then to look into POTS and figure out what it was. That’s when I realized that it was in fact the diagnosis we had been searching for all along. What a relief it was. Most people probably would think that being relieved about being chronically ill is ridiculous, but if you’d been suffering for two years for no apparent reason, you’d take whatever diagnosis you can. I had some more appointments with the cardiologist. Electrocardiograhm showed I was fine. The stress test said otherwise. A stress test is when you walk and run while hooked to an ECG and blood pressure cuff. I didn’t make it through 4 minutes of jogging before I was too dizzy to continue. My head ached for the rest of the day and I was exhausted. The weirdest part is, my blood pressure wouldn’t read correctly. Either I had no blood pressure at all or it was at 260/60!! That’s wack! I have to go back in a few months to get retested.

Meanwhile, I’ve come to terms with my POTS. I am grateful to finally know what is happening inside of me. I feel victorious even though the battle has just begun. For the past month, I have been getting increasingly worse. I nap nearly everyday where I used to nap once every 6 months, no matter how tired I was. My heart palpitates like crazy. I can literally see it convulsing frantically in my chest. I’m out of breath walking to the bathroom. I’m even more fatigued than I was during school. Standing for long periods of time is rough, but gardening is even worse. Squatting down and getting up to plant plants, hoeing the soil, and pulling weeds in the summer heat and humidity is insanely dizzying. Everything gets more difficult everyday, no matter how much water I drink, salt it eat, and light exercise I do.

Some of my friends know I’ve been to doctors. Some know I have POTS. Most of them don’t know anything. Very few are aware of what it’s actually like to be chronically ill. They don’t know that my chances of being able to play sports when school resumes are low. So you may be wondering, how am I possibly excited for the future awaiting me and glad I’ve gone through all of this in the past year? Well, the answer is because through it all, it was an answer to the prayers I prayed in the summer of 2019. GOD began putting His plan in action before I even realized I wanted it to happen. My relationship with Him is much deeper. I have a testimony now and I know what faith, hope, and trust mean. I have the courage now to let go of the activities and responsibilities in my life that are holding me back. I plan to quit basketball (I was never very good in the first place) and pursue my GOD-given talent for art. I plan to bring about a business that will impact others. I plan to show others the gift of life that only GOD can give. I plan to share my journey on Tumblr, even if no one is here to read it. I plan to lean on GOD like never before and hopefully learn a thing or two about self-love and self-care. For the first time, I can say that I’m not actually following my plan, but the one that GOD has for me. It took years for it to come into focus, but now I’m confident that He knows what He’s doing and it’s all for the best. It’s going to be an adventure, but maybe the hardest part is already over. After two years of denial and running in circles, I am finally going somewhere. Even if it means I will be limited to my physical capabilities.

I think I’m ready.

-Mary Grace

June 8, 2020

#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #potsie #POTS #self care #my story #a written testimony #christianity #positive thoughts #testimony #gods plan #chronically ill

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birdofwords · 4 years

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Journal/life writing-

They keep saying writing may help, so.

I have already been dealing with depression and anxiety for most of my life. This a new kind I don’t know how to work with.

I keep unconsciously holding it all in, gotta stay stable, but eventually it bursts out and all that fear and sadness and restlessness and noisy brain hits me at once.

Woke up ok, slept poorly the night before. Called about having my meds delivered. Because of insurance issues, I ran out of my main anti-depressant and have been without it for two weeks. Just bupropion, and clonopin as needed.

I use the clonopin a lot more than I used to but I try to limit it to after work or just as a sleep aid. Lately it’s not working as a sleep aid. I have the smallest possible dose, so I may start taking two when I need it.

Tried to dye my hair auburn. It’s barely noticeable. Took a nap, woke up immediately irritable and on the verge or tears. Tried to push it down by going out with Patrick for groceries. Saw a huge truck with a tent over one end, parked in front of the funeral home down the block from us. The first grocery store had a line outside so we went to another. And when we got home I washed my hands, put the food away, then went into the bedroom and cried. I am at least lucky to have Patrick to sit with me and rub my back as I just sort of crumpled over on the bed.

There’s different kinds of crying, I’ve experienced many of them. This was hopeless crying...it’s not the worst kind, but it’s up there. The moment I got it all out and began to stabilize I got a single intrusive thought, “I could kill myself”, but recognized it and put it away.

If you’re curious, what I consider the worst kind of crying from experience, is grief over a tragedy.

I could list all the things running through my mind. How many people in my neighborhood have died? What will we do if one of us gets it? What if our neighbor upstairs dies? The world is bad, getting worse, and is never going to get better. A few weeks ago our neighbor was taken away in an ambulance with trouble breathing. I asked if I could help. His wife asked me to stand outside their door and make sure their cat didn’t escape while she went to give her insurance information. I stood in the hallway, staring numbly at my silhouette flashing in the red light from the ambulance, listening to their little girl sobbing inside the apartment. I did some of that hopeless crying there, too.

Am I acting neurotic? I get random urges to check up on someone I hate, something I started to try quitting literally just before quarantine. I want to know, because I hope she’s miserable, I hope she lost her job, I hope her engagement broke off, I hope he’s cheating on her, I hope she’s gaining more weight. Am I petty, am I mean?

I have no one to talk to about this. There are people I -can- talk to, but no one who can talk to me the way I need them to. All my friends except my best friend think it’s all far behind, so long ago, it’d be ridiculous if I was still holding on to all that hatred. But it’s my worst flaw, and I don’t know if they know that.

Am I a bad person. People feel it’s not bad to hate someone who hurt you, but many think that there’s a line in how much you hate them. There are things I have sincerely wished upon her that I will probably never say because I don’t think anyone will be able to hear it and not become worried about me. There were things I could have done, and wanted to do, that would have crossed the line for many people. But the line is pretty far away for me. It wasn’t a matter of if I thought it was wrong, it was a matter of not wanting to get in trouble. Am I bad person if I only hate bad people, but the way I hate them goes beyond regular anger.

What if all of this wishing for bad things turns it all onto me. What if everything I’m feeling is because I’m a bad person and I deserve bad things, and so what if things around me start falling apart. What if every bad thing everyone has ever said about me is true. What if every bad thing I want to happen to her, happens to me instead.

I cannot talk about or think about how my dog is getting old and she’s with my parents and I don’t know when I’ll see her again. It just breaks me down completely.

I’m frustrated and sad for my brother’s girlfriend because he was about to buy a ring for her just before this all happened. I’m worried my nephew won’t know who I am, or once he’s old enough to remember me, I’ll just be some distant relative he only sees once in a while.

I’m worried I’ll lose my job any minute. I’m worried this is going to be the entire year. I’m angry for not being more productive. Barely writing, and if I am it’s only practice and nothing real. I’m not exercising, barely going outside, not getting any sun.

I’m trying to grow basil again. I sweep the garden when it’s warm out. This is one of the things that calm me down.

They say gratitude and little things you like can help, so.

I’m grateful that Patrick is with me and helping a lot around the house. I’m grateful that we’re always making each other laugh. I’m grateful that my family and friends are healthy. I’m grateful that I escaped unemployment and got this job just in time.

Since I’m working from home, I can nap over my lunch break. I mentioned the garden. Sometimes we hear the 6-year-old girl upstairs running back and forth, and it doesn’t annoy me, it makes me laugh. The Game Grumps are still putting out episodes; they have helped me chill out and laugh a lot for years. I’m working on an artsy coloring book and almost done with a page that’s sort of a mandala of fish. About once a month, Patrick hosts our Starfinder game online with Roll20, so I get to be with friends a bit and enjoy the roleplaying. Animal Crossing is keeping me busy and calm.

I’m taking singing lessons again with Marco, online...it’s different, but not bad. It’s still fun, it’s still engaging and interesting, and Marco is generally just a pleasure to talk to and work with.

I hope that at some point things will be safe enough that we can go out a little, because I think I’d like to take another try at learning guitar again.

It’s been about an hour; 1:45am. I took another clonopin a minute ago. I’m gonna try to sleep.

#journal #life writing

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the-uptake · 5 years

Text

Medical waste and its real role in our lives

The Uptake, With Symbiotic Self-Indulgence. Book III, Chapter 7. Go to previous. Go to next. Augen, you, ah. Doin’ okay there, buddy?

________________________________

Augen took ‘Choly for a smoothie, then the two pressed on to locate a geek bar where the two would sit and eat. Equal parts cafe and specialty grocer’s, the lighting there did not wash out or overwhelm like that of a typical grocery store, but it still had better lighting than a restaurant such as Finnegan’s. In the wake of the events the day before, the gamut of hybrids who had gathered in the establishment seemed terse and agitated despite many of them forcing a genial demeanor. As the lamprey finger-swiped his order at their small digital table near the front, ‘Choly squared up the wheelchair, and ended up folding back the right footrest in order to give Augen sufficient leg clearance beneath the table.

“You… sure it’s okay for me to be here?” ‘Choly glanced about and absently sucked at his straw. The world around him still largely a blur, he couldn’t identify the species of most patrons, let alone what they were eating. “Slag, can’t even see the TV up at the bar.”

“I’m sure it’s just more of the same news we’ve seen for hours at the HP. As long as you behave yourself, hybrids don’t typically mind mixed company. We come places like this not just for a meal, but for a safe space.” Augen pulled out his reader in its waterproof case and set it beside ‘Choly’s on the charge pad panel on the side of the round table nearest the wall. “It shouldn’t take long here to get juiced up. Fuel, energy, a bit of spirit. The necessities.”

The waitperson, a tiger hybrid in a two-piece suit with rolled sleeves, brought out a bag of blood, a pint glass, and a double shot of vodka for each of them, and left directing a brief stifled stink-eye at ‘Choly. Augen unfastened a necklace from beneath his shirt and unfolded the sheath of the pendant to produce a small barber’s notched razor, which he then used to snip the neck of the blood bag and pour it into the glass. Once he’d emptied its contents into the glass, he snapped the pendant back together and returned it to hang under his shirt. He slouched back in his chair a bit and wrapped his lips around roughly half of the mouth of the glass to drink at it.

“Trying to look the part of etiquette, I’m assuming.” ‘Choly tacitly popped the lid off his smoothie to add his vodka to his drink, and Augen choked a bit in nuisance of such commentary. “I know your mouth’s big enough to fit the whole thing in.”

“You know how I am with ritual,” the vampire mumbled, setting down the food a moment in favor of the liquor. “Besides, I’m not here to give anyone a proto-Vek show of it.”

“I just realized. Uh. Until today, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen you eat.” ‘Choly put the lid back on and stirred it with his straw, and Augen struggled to read the way the dreg squinted at him in thought. He sucked at the doctored smoothie. “What’s it like? Eating meat. Real meat.”

“I haven’t taken you out like this yet, have I? I don’t really eat meat. I eat blood. My metabolism’s better than most sanguinarians in the same position as myself. Only got to make a full meal of it once or twice a week. Can’t keep stocked where I’m staying, since it can’t stay fresh without… specific equipment.” Augen fell heavy lidded at the notion of what it took to draw, keep, and store food-grade blood. “I stick to geek bars these days. Repeat donors are expensive and difficult to find, but most geek bars have hashed out contracts with blood clinics. They do a community service, doing the hard part for hybrids. We’re more civilized and rational than most of us will give credit for.”

‘Choly craned across the table to shoot a cataract-glazed glare at the fish.

“You could have fooled me, with how things went yesterday.” He chewed at his straw a minute, shaking, and steadied himself on the tabletop. “I asked about the meat, because I didn’t know how the hybrid side of the conflict panned out when the TIP scandal hit the fan. I was in my teens during the global shift to insect meat. Hybrids can’t eat TIP.”

The two of them both jumped when the whole place burst into an enthusiastic commotion before trickling back down to an energetic simmer.

“A misconception. Though initially true, TIP’s improved. Various texturizing agents help it imitate the mouthfeel of non-insect meats, but the FDA’s gotten more conscientious about including certain amino acids to complete the imitation to full nutritional effect. Just off the top of my head, feline hybrids can go blind without enough taurine, for example, so now there’s a particular food-grade maggot that’s been bred to have naturally high taurine levels. And they’ve got to list the specific amino acids on TIP packaging now.” Augen set down his pint glass and his eyes fell distant on ‘Choly’s cup. “I don’t even remember the changeover. I’m, what, six years younger than you? After the TIP scandal, I was obsessed with the ritual of finding real meat. I wasted so much cred on rat and pigeon meat as a teen. I was convinced that my deficit was in my food source, not in my own body. Turns out, it’s just that I was born with the wrong digestive tract.”

“…So you said blood clinic. It’s real blood? Insects don’t bleed, do they?“

“Of what’s donated, clinics sell a portion to third parties like geek bars. It’s real blood. Human, even.” The fish grinned dopily, ear-to-ear, and returned to his glass in a mock toast. “The day they can texturize something insect-based to simulate the taste, feel, and value of blood is the day true FDA blasphemy has gone too far.”

“There’s a joke to be had over the trade secret for convincing stage blood, but.” ‘Choly let out an odd chuckle and followed the gesture in agreement, not sure how else to respond. His hand sank as he sucked down more of his smoothie, and his features slacked in thought as his head got lost in the chilled warmth of the vodka amid the different blended fruit-like slush. “Come to think of it… I don’t think I recall hybrids with grafting from cows, or pigs, or any of that. Is that an ideological coincidence, or a scarcity thing? Do you think… the average hybrid would consider that kind of grafting weird? To be partly something that non-hybrids once considered food? Slag, I hope people don’t like. Try to–”

Augen slouched across the table in an instant, nose to nose, eye-to-eye.

“Anyone’s food, if you’re not a coward,” he whispered a little too heavily, his eyes wild. He softened after a moment and nipped at ‘Choly’s earlobe with a tiny playful lick. “In the least platonic sense, of course.” He sat back to douse his throat with his canteen.

The dreg shivered head to toe and bit at his labret. Not a topic for the setting. I get it. "For how much I’ve gone clubbing in the past, I’ll admit I’ve never stepped foot in a geek bar personally. It felt weird, is all. I should be glad, I guess, that they’re not frustrated that I’ve got outside food, all things considered. It never really dawned on me that hybrids go grocery shopping just like non-hybrids.”

“We don’t go out for every meal. At least, most of us don’t. Contrary to the colloquialism of these places, most hybrids are relatively private with their eating habits, and don’t like to be gawked at. There are a lot of geek bars that have a no ‘non-hybrids’ policy because they have that rampant an issue with that brand of voyeurism. One of those, if you’re here to watch, find a mixer club mentalities.”

“Cecil and I met at a mixer club,” ‘Choly smiled. “Funny that we were both cruising, and ended up hooking up with each other instead.”

“I remember you mentioning you’re both in that way.” Augen chuckled at a low click. “Though, it’s a peculiar comfort that you seemed to find what I used to look like even half as attractive as you find the real me.” Squinting in craving, he fell quiet and leaned in to whisper again. “…It’s surprisingly next to impossible to get my hands on more therapy serum. The people who have it don’t tend to want to even come into contact with hybrids, let alone sell to them. Fuck, there’s nothing else that can measure up to it.”

“I can only imagine,” ‘Choly humored again, still unable to quite process what had happened at the table at Finnegan’s the day before. “I used to subscribe to onset video channels. I’m sure you’re pretty unique in terms of not only having a use for the stuff, but finding a deranged pleasure in it. Sure, it makes you human again, but it sounds so… dehumanizing.”

“I consider it… a sort of negative space that offsets the delirium. There’s a reason hybrids often get hooked on grafting. Vekarix is an experience.”

“How lucky for you, then, that you’ve found a way to keep that experience alive for you every day,” ‘Choly sugar-coated, unsure if any hybrid patrons within earshot might find objection in the topic. He raised an eyebrow, able to tell from the furtive glaze in Augen’s eyes that he’d said something that clicked in the vampire’s head. His reader chirped out a string of notifications, indicating it had reached a full charge and regained a server connection. He picked it up to look at it, only to set down his drink and use both hands to reply with a tense jaw. “–My parents, shit.”

“They–”

“–Moved to Trenton before the quarantine. My mom says the blackout caused a brownout throughout the state. They’re both safe and with power, but they don’t have a full Web connection.” Hastily replying the best he could, he swallowed despite how the abrupt stressor had dried out his mouth, and coughed.

|| We’re alive. I had the day off yesterday. Cecil was in the explosion. Rev escorted me to Premier so we could see him in the hospital. I haven’t slept since yesterday. I’ll call you guys once I’ve rested and catch up. We love you. ||

“Letting them know you’re all right?” Augen’s head fell slightly askew as he polished off the glass. Too convenient to be a mirroring behavior, he’d also picked up his reader and been texting someone.

“Yeah. I can’t get caught up talking to them right now, though. I’ll call later.” They’ll ask if I’m okay, and I’m a terrible liar. “What’s that about?”

Augen tucked his reader into an apron pocket and stood. He was about to wave his cred-card at the pad, but the tiger hybrid was rushing up and waved away his hand with a delirium.

“No, no, no! On the house. Today we celebrate.”

Augen and ‘Choly stared at them, confused.

“April Fool’s… was yesterday,” ‘Choly started. “What are we…”

“–Oh, I’m sure you’re not celebrating, but we are. The Mid-Atlantic Hybrid Registry is down for the count because of… what happened yesterday. Permanently. There were magnet pulses involved. Tri-City Central’s whole server’s dead.” They grinned and purred, copper eyes wide as saucers. “Not to speak ill of the sacrifice, but gods bless whoever’s responsible. That thing was the single biggest civil rights violation in the country since they tried to make queer identities illegal in 2024!”

Augen couldn’t possibly have paled more, and he did his best to steel his demeanor by putting a hand to the tiger’s shoulder in camaraderie.

“My god. We’re… we’re free. But at what… cost…?”

“Augen, you okay?” Sweating, ‘Choly nudged at his free hand. “Buddy?”

“It doesn’t matter when you were made, brother.” The tiger took both Augen’s hands in their paws. “We’re free. All of us.”

“I… I have to go. My friend, we’re– we’re late for his appointment. Thank you.”

“I–”

‘Choly nodded in frenetic approval, and let Augen push him, but he didn’t remember to fold his footrest back forward until it loudly grazed the door frame of the establishment on their way out. He nearly dropped his smoothie in embarrassment, scrambling to right the problem.

“–I, THANK YOU!”

He took another sip as they strolled purposefully through the neon streets. “…I don’t know if I can get used to this thing, man. I’m glad you’re pushing me. I feel better after getting something nutritional in me, though. You feel better too?”

“I’ll feel better once I can fix my ribs. It’s getting to be too much to ignore.”

‘Choly looked up and back at him in interested confusion.

“You know of a doctor like Bell in Premier?”

“No. We’re going to Linnaeus’s old parlor.”

‘Choly nearly spat out his drink.

“–Fuck, Augen. I’ve had enough verbot shit in the past twenty-four hours to last me a whole year.”

“You don’t have to come with me.”

“Like fuck I don’t. You promised y’wouldn’t leave me alone ‘til I had eyes again.”

“I could take you back to the hospital room, so you could stay with Cecil.”

“They’d probably just run me out again.” He realized that Augen’s texts must have been to Cecil’s brother, and his jaw slacked a bit. “Why are we looking for this place? Isn’t it abandoned?”

“I need to jog my healing response. Pretty much any metagenic exposure will work, and his parlor seems like the most convenient option considering we’re a bit stranded in Premier. I asked Linnaeus if his stuff is still in there, and he said that they repossessed the whole property, stock, equipment, and all–but that he doesn’t know exactly what’s left. He wasn’t allowed to take anything with him, but a new owner hasn’t bought it yet, and last he checked, it hasn’t been cleaned out, either. There’s got to be some Vek doses left. …You don’t need to worry. I know this part of town.”

“The part of town isn’t what I’m worried about…” ‘Choly built the nerve. “You don’t think Linnaeus did it, do you? You’re so fucking freaked out right now.”

“Not in a million years.” A stuttered near hyperventilation fell out of Augen as he started pushing faster, kicking into a wheelie and escalating into a forceful chiropteran chitter that made ‘Choly flinch and tremble. “Not. In a million years.”

“StinkfaACE WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRIVE–” The blood suffused ‘Choly’s inebriated skull as the chair rattled beneath him. Unable to unclench, he considered the very real chance that Central might permanently be destroyed, as the tiger had described, and he sublimated to derangement.

Nothing’s illegal if it can’t be regulated, and with the plug pulled, law and order in Tri-City had ceased yesterday. The crime rate was about to drop to zero.

Augen could only laugh and propel the two of them faster.

After taking a toll-free mass public lift up to Level 12, they navigated the sidewalks of the commercial district, and they entered a large multi-story office building with a decent amount of foot traffic. Augen drew his shawl over his head again and avoided eye contact with passersby. ‘Choly pointed vaguely at the directory map while they waited for the elevator, and Augen nodded once he’d skimmed and located an empty placard slot. He tossed ‘Choly’s empty cup for him in time for the elevator car to arrive and let off its passengers. A few others needed to ride with them, and they let ‘Choly get in first and tuck into the corner with Augen before they got in with them. When asked for a floor, Augen told them the fifteenth floor. Once they’d ridden all the way to the twenty-second floor, they descended back to the seventh and exited free of anyone who’d seen them enter.

The seventh floor hall had bright orange low-pile carpet, and far less traffic than the first floor. From the looks of the placards outside each establishment, this was chiefly a medical floor, but after Linnaeus’s parlor had closed, much of it had pulled out. They turned right at the end of the hallway, and located the large clinic-like commercial space. The Lazarus Hall. Welded rivets boarded up the doors, along with a trespassing warning and a for lease sign. Augen didn’t even hesitate to keep walking down the hall, and turned left down a small side-hall at the end of the way. ‘Choly knew to keep quiet, but it wasn’t until they turned left again and got to a false door which Augen slid aside to expose a passcoded door, that ‘Choly understood how simple it would be for them to gain access. Augen double-checked his texts to Linnaeus for the sequence, and while he slid the false door back in place, he had ‘Choly hold open the door with the wheel of his chair.

“It’s a good thing they boarded up all the windows and doors on the front face,” Augen quipped, using his reader’s flashlight to illuminate the office space. Disengaging pushing ‘Choly, he took a canteen break to re-moisturize and investigate the place for himself. “It’ll give us away to the building owners if we turn on anything, but no one will see our reader light.”

“This place is huge,” ‘Choly awed, puttering along close behind him by the handrims with his drink between his legs. “Just how many people do you think he saw every day, back when it was at its peak?”

“On a slow day, The Lazarus Hall probably saw easily a hundred patients. Busy days, in the thousands. There were about a dozen Vek artists running the place. I’d say a solid one in five of Tri-City’s hybrids got their work done right here, and probably one in three of Manhattan Premier’s. It’s a piece of history. Maybe one day, they’ll reopen its doors.”

“I’m just shocked the security isn’t better, considering Vek is a Schedule 2 chemical.” The moved into the consultation room halls, and he followed as Augen went room to room to assess what remained. “The layout’s a lot like the All’s Well Clinic. I don’t think you’re likely t’find anything useful in the patient rooms, ‘less y'want me t’get a good look in those ears an’ nose. They’ve gotta have a pharmacy where all the meds and truck’s stored.”

“If it’s so much like All’s Well, then where is that room?”

“Hopefully on the first floor,” ‘Choly mumbled in distraction, noticing an elevator door and a stairwell beside it. “I repeat. This place is huge.”

“You know, they didn’t just shut down The Lazarus Hall to make an example of Linnaeus and his associates as prominent Vek artists. This is where they started researching cross-branch grafting. Vek specialists still think it’s possible to graft animal genetics into non-animals, but that the other way’s impossible. They didn’t even used to think mammals could receive grafting from non-mammals–”

“–You remember how badly I wanted insect grafting,” the dreg snipped in lament.

“–They didn’t think it was possible. The staff here was on the brink of proving that wrong. He couldn’t save any of the equipment or materials, but he managed to get a copy of his research data. Together with the other three artists that escaped and fell off the grid, they finished out that research on their own.”

“What about the other artists? You said there was, like, a dozen of ‘em.”

“Those they captured didn’t have the choice between documentation or therapy serum. They were forced to comply with both.”

“…They must resent Linnaeus.”

“He managed to keep three of his staff members safe. That’s all I know. The four of them still work down the street from me, heh. From what I understand, they were the only ones who took the rumors seriously when the staff was warned to get out while they could.”

“Whoever had that hidden back door installed must have known long in advance things could go South fast.”

“I’m almost positive that’s the exact purpose of that door. The only other exit I can think of would be a treadless dock, and on an upper story of Level 12, they couldn’t have just run out the back way, unless there’d been a vehicle waiting for them.”

“A piece of history,” ‘Choly repeated. “Huh.”

They located a different arrangement of rooms halfway down into The Lazarus Hall, and found the pharmaceutical storage close to the reception and waiting room at the front. ‘Choly frowned, sharing Augen’s agitation that the shelves lay largely bare.

“So what are we looking for, anyway?”

“–The dock zone, then. I guess. Slaggit.”

The vampire grabbed the handlebars again and took control of the wheelchair again to match his pace.

“You think they left a shipment in tact without unloading it? All these years?”

“No. I’m just banking on the likelihood they didn’t pick up on trash day.”

The dock lay in the back far corner of the first floor, and Augen’s boots echoed between the metal walls and concrete floor. ‘Choly swept the area with his reader flashlight, and his jaw popped in dread at the mere sight of it. Goosebumps subsumed him head to toe as he shivered. Palette after palette of bright orange drums were stacked as many as seven high, and abandon knew how deep. Even without glasses, he could discern the unmistakable biohazard trefoils on every single one.

His breath ragged, ‘Choly separated from Augen to propel himself by one handrim and the shuffle of one foot, and took pictures of the scenery for souvenirs. Up close, he could read that every drum was labeled BF Meehl. After a mote of dissociation tried its luck, he bothered to pop his jaw back in place, and he sniveled in distrust.

“I don’t think these drums were here before the property was locked down,” ‘Choly started, mentally winded.

When he looked to Augen, the fish had freed the lever-lock ring of one of the drums on an unstacked palette, and straightened to his full length to stare down its contents.

“No shit.”

“What’s even in them?” ‘Choly stayed put, too unnerved with Augen’s demeanor to get any nearer. “They don’t look like they have any labels.”

“Probably mixed waste drums. Composite waste. It’s all dumped together. Sheisse, it’s perfect.” Augen coiled back down to his common posture, to rest his hands to either side of the drum rim, only to withdraw completely from the palette to disrobe. Without explanation, he approached ‘Choly and tucked his belongings ‘Choly’s lap. With a tepid swallow, the dreg’s eyes followed those cave-pale buttocks back to the open drum. “Most of these drums are probably grafting byproduct. To be honest, I don’t know where this kind of stuff was usually disposed of, even back when human grafting was legal. They’re all BF Meehl drums, aren’t they? As far as I know, Linnaeus was the owner. …Makes you wonder if Meehl has a sanitation subsidiary or something?”

“…Do we need to double back to the pharmacy stock room for some needles?” ‘Choly clapped a hand over his mouth in recognition of what was happening, and he writhed in place as his voice broke. “Wait. Holy fUCK. You’re just gonna shoot up whatever’s in that mess–? What if it’s not–”

“One better.”

“–Vek.”

And with that, Augen dunked his head face-first into the drum, and shoved himself down past his shoulders such that the contents overflowed and splattered. ‘Choly’s heart ratcheted to a near halt as he could do little else but look on in rapturous dismay. Years ago, the lamprey hybrid had put on a show for him, to demonstrate that he could expose himself to metagenic compounds and undergo their side effects, only for his genetically engineered immune system to reject the mutations and revert them back to the hybrid state his body understood as the default. But then, that had been Ketonamil exposure. He’d simply grown enormous from his endocrine system going haywire, and later sloughed flesh until he returned to normal dimensions. But ‘Choly didn’t think even Augen knew exactly what all was in this drum–if it was even Vek in the first place. Even if it were entirely Vekarix preparations, there was no way to tell what genetic donors would come from the exposure.

What if that wasn’t Vekarix. What if it’s not metagenic, and it just poisons him. What if he dies here. I can’t get back out of here on my own. I shouldn’t have come. They’re gonna catch us in here. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuc–

Augen came up for air, and his pleuric external gills flared out as he heaved.

“That’s the stuff.” His voice had thickened significantly, tremulous and viscous. “FUCK! I love that my skin is part of my respiratory system. Shit just soaks right into my bloodstream.”

“–So, so it was Vek?” he squeaked, sweating even worse.

Augen looked to him, and the reader flashlight reflected back more than two eyes. ‘Choly’s legs seized up, and his heart snagged on his ribs again.

“Doesn’t matter either way. What’s done’s done.” Drip drying rapidly along the way, he walked coolly to grip the wheelchair armrests and lean over ‘Choly. “Save your reader battery. Just let this be pure sound, smell, and touch. The light’s… really hurting somehow.”

“You fucker, you brought me with so I’d have to watch.”

Augen seemed to lurch at him, so he scrambled to comply with the request with a broken whine. After an impossible silence, the hybrid spasmed and tried to steady himself on the armrests with a stuttered, deflating groan. Breathless and desperate, he slumped into ‘Choly’s lap shoving his belongings to either side of ‘Choly’s hips, and trembling and twitching in what the dreg could only understand to be a seizure. Tears burning down his cheeks in an instant, 'Choly grabbed his friend’s bare, clammy, serpentine body to do his best to keep either of them from falling over, and exclaimed Augen’s name repeatedly with desperate finality.

The intensity with which Augen’s body shook seemed to peak with a crunching lurch, to which the hybrid gurgled a scream, equal parts agony and ecstasy. The The subsequent tremors softened to a shakiness, but ‘Choly couldn’t believe the force of that one motion hadn’t knocked the both of them back in the wheelchair. It wasn’t until the squelching sound of too-soft flesh shifting, that ‘Choly’s terrified hand wandered up Augen’s side, and met a membrane. Following the shoulder, he couldn’t reach the elbow. The hybrid lolled back his head and let out a bat-screech, and the dreg beneath him could tell that the arch in his elongated back could only serve the purpose of applying friction against his lap. With his other hand, Augen breathlessly guided ‘Choly to reach around to fondle him. Neither of them could process the tangle of flesh in their fingers as it seemed to nearly grope back at them.

“…What the fuck did you DO,” ‘Choly demand-defended, unable to take his hand back.

“It– hurts. Ohh god–” Augen seized up again. His flesh shivered wetly before another bony crunch echoed in the metallic space, and the musculature of his shoulders mashed back into ‘Choly’s face. “GhhaAH–”

‘Choly turned his head so he could breathe, but could do nothing about the amount of skin contact against his face. The chair lurched forward, and he slammed down his bare right foot to try to keep them from rolling too far forward in the dark. In the continued forward momentum he realized Augen’s arms were now at least as long as he was long, dragging back behind them as he tried to stretch his full limb span. 'Choly’s free hand found itself trying to make sense of the texture forming on what seemed to be Augen’s entire body, and his fingers traced what felt like hundreds of divots. With the clammy, tepid flesh pressed against him, the hyper-sweet chemical stink of whatever now tormented his friend nearly made him retch. Revulsion shifted to fixation, and his lower lip dragged in ragged repetition along the rim of the divots he could reach with his mouth as they formed deep macro-pores. He stuttered in arousal when one requited the osculation.

“Are you– making out with– my shHOULD– er–”

“God what the fuck,” ‘Choly uttered, intoxicated with overstimulation. After a few minutes of alternating to spread the attention around, he could tell Augen’s skin was rasping. His hair froze upright. He tried and failed to swallow. “You’re just as scared as I am, aren’t you.”

A phlegmy, nasal sound clicked and clicked and clicked in futility from Augen’s throat and flesh, like some kind of fetid orphic hairball. The body atop ‘Choly spasmed into rigor, and every orifice suffused a viscous, smacking exudate. The dreg squirmed to get away from the stuff, getting drenched head to toe as he was pinned in place by a creature that weighed at least three times more than him. He groaned pathetically as the stuff soaked into his pants and sweater, his mouth pursed tightly shut. Once Augen’s body slacked in his lap again, he put a nervous tongue tip to the mess slathering his friend’s mutated flesh, finding the stuff overwhelmingly musky and salty, and he flinched in frightened revulsion.

“Fuck-Me-in-the-Mouth, did you just. Did you just cum?”

“Out of everything. I never want t– uhhhhg I just… it’s not over, fuck.” The hybrid slid weakly down out of ‘Choly’s lap and onto the floor. “I didn’t think there was anything worse than puking. That was. NnnhOT. Pleasant.”

‘Choly had hit his limit and struggled despite his leg brace to join Augen on the polished concrete. He pulled off his diamond bag, sweater, and shirt and put them in the chair seat, then dragged the fish’s clothing down with him. He tucked the vest and pants under his head for a pillow, and used the shirt to wipe off his face and hair. He remembered to retrieve his reader from his bag and tucked it under his makeshift pillow after checking it still had decent reception and charge.

“Some of us just get to have all the fun, now, don’t we?” ‘Choly ribbed in total exhaustion, doing his best to cover himself with the shawl. “You started this day at one end of an extreme, and ended it flippin’ it to the other. SLAG! what a shitty end to a shitty day. I want a shower.”

“Just… don’t fucking turn on any lights.” Augen simmered, failing to entirely resist writhing as the metagen continued working his flesh into a tangled clusterfuck. “…Get some rest. Tomorrow’s the first day of the rest of our lawless, godawful lives.”

“Here’s hoping you’re still just one mouth to feed when we get out of here.”

Go to Next »»»

#cyberpunk #biopunk #mutant #terato #anthro #lemony goodness #trypo tw #the uptake #amaurophilia #wssi #with symbiotic self indulgence #melanochro kara #august ritter #medical waste and its real role in our lives

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aquariumadventures · 5 years

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Advice?

Have any of you ever had to deal with a mystery (probably) bacterial fish infection that won’t seem to go away despite some of your fish seeming immune? If so how did you get rid of it, or did you have to sterilize your tanks? And if so, how did you deal with things like plants/driftwood?

Long story (really, long) about what’s going on in my tanks under the cut, if anyone can maybe help and needs/is interested in more info. If not just... let me know your experience curing bacterial/viral infections that seem to last forever and wipe out new fish despite current fish not being affected!

So summer/fall of 2017 I bought 8 Emerald Dwarf Rasboras. I’m pretty sure they were wild caught, though I’m not entirely sure. Anyway, within 48 hours 4 of them had died. At least one was very emaciated, the others I can’t remember noticing anything major about them. I bought them the same day as 7 or so Kubotai Rasboras, so they were all in the same tank together. The kubotai rasboras were fine, and never showed any signs of anything at that point.

Eventually the 4 EDRs I had left came out of quarantine, and I moved them into their permanent home. They seemed perfectly healthy for months, and they even bred for me at one point.

Shortly after that I bought 6 Celestial Pearl Danios, to add to the 2 I already had, which had been perfectly healthy and wonderful for about 6 months. (Since they’re $11 a fish here I tried to get two and breed them to fill out a shoal. It didn’t work, I couldn’t get fry, so I ended up buying more.) Those 6 did well in quarantine for about 3 weeks, so I moved them to the main tank. I also added an apistogramma to the main tank in that time. Everyone was great until about 7 weeks after I’d bought the CPDs, when the apisto started showing signs of internal parasites (bloating, stringy white poo,) and the CPDs started dying one by one, usually looking emaciated losing color and having red gills or redness around their stomachs. The WCMMs and pencilfish in the same tank were doing fine, but I treated the tank with Paraguard, then Prazipro, as well as feeding metroplex in food for 14 days. All the CPDs died, and the apisto did too though I think it was more from the treatment (and low resistance to things from being stressed in my hard water) than the illness itself.

Spring of 2018 I decided to try to replace the CPDs, and I got 6 more. I kept them in quarantine for 6 weeks. During the last two weeks, I started adding water from the main tank the old CPDs had been in to the quarantine tank in case whatever it had been was still in my water. They didn’t show any signs of stress or illness. I added them to the main tank, and three weeks later all of them had died.

Worth noting I’ve kept CPDs in the past, my water is 7.4 pH GH 9 which is high but reasonable for CPDs, and my nitrates were rarely to 20 and never over 40ppm. Ammonia and Nitrites always 0.

Not too long after this my EDRs all started to die off. Not all at once, exactly, but it wasn’t old age because some I’d bred in my tank and were under a year old.

So that was devastating, but since most of my fish went months without showing any symptoms, except a couple brief and minor cases of cottonmouth in the kubotai rasboras, I figured everything was fine for species that were not CPDs/EDRs. I have read vague things on fishkeeping boards that other people also had issues with CPDs like there is a specific illness in that species, like Dwarf Gourami Disease, that affects some but not all fish, and some worse than others.

I haven’t really gotten any new fish species since those CPDs, though I did get some more kubotai rasboras and I did breed my WCMMs, until this spring when I got a male and female scarlet badis. I got the female about a month before the male, and they lived in the same tank (never had a sick fish in it and was an invert tank for months before I got the scarlet badis, but did share plants, nets, etc with other tanks) for a couple weeks before I moved the female in with the kubotais. They did great for the first two months I had them, but last week the female disappeared. It’s a reasonably heavy planted tank so I wasn’t too worried, but then the male (in a different tank!) grew a weird white abscess on his tail and I started to get worried. The female reappeared showing signs of dropsy, and the next day the male started showing signs of bloating, if not pineconing yet, as well. I treated the female with a salt bath, dosed both tanks with triple sulfa, and started feeding metroplex/focus soaked food. The female died the next day. I think the male is now pineconing, but I can’t get a great look at him.

I also noticed, when the female disappeared and I was looking extra closely at that tank, that my kubotais have slight cottonmouth again. Just like, one white spot on a couple fish’s mouths, but I’ve started treating for that again, and I’m not entirely sure how long it’s been happening and I might have just missed it because they were all swimming and eating fine, and it is still slight.

So, it’s possible that the CPD illness is a separate problem from what is happening to the scarlet badises, but i really feel like it’s the same thing. I’m not sure why it affects these species but never did my minnows or pencilfish or bettas, and why it wiped out the CPDs, causes cottonmouth but just that in kubotais, and seems to cause dropsy, potential lesion/abscess in the scarlet badises.

Right now I’m doing 10 days of API triple sulfa on all tanks with fish, as well as the medicated food with metroplex, and when I’m done with that I might do a few days of activated carbon and then start a round of kanamycin or something else as well. But I’m not sure how to ever know if my tanks are clear of the bacteria/virus, or what bacteria/virus I’m even treating for so I’m not sure if I’m picking the right medications.

Honestly from what I’ve read the illness most resembles fish TB, it matches best to the variety of bacterial illness symptoms my fish have had, and how it keeps happening, and how some species are affected and some aren’t. I know that’s really rare and it’s probably not fish TB, and if it is I’m really screwed. It’s likely it’s just some bacterial illness that isn’t one of the “common fish disease” illnesses that I can go read about, which is why it doesn’t quite fit anything like columnaris or gill flukes or anything else.

Anyway, so I guess my questions are:

If I do get all my fish to be symptom free (if the male SB pulls through, and the kubotais get clear of cottonmouth, the WCMM tank is the one the CPDs kept dying in but they’ve never shown any symptoms) can I ever assume the bacteria is gone at this point? Since I think it’s been 1.5 years of it existing in my tanks now?

If all the fish I have now are carriers, are my inverts probably carriers too? I have shrimp and snails in all my fish tanks, as well as a snail only tank and a shrimp cull tank, and the snails have been in fish tanks or shared equipment with them previously. So are they safe? Is there any way to know if they’re carriers?

I recently set up a tank with all new stuff, bleach dipped plant cuttings from other tanks to avoid pest snails but that means it should all be safe from bacteria in any other tanks, EXCEPT that I put inverts from other tanks in there. Do I have to assume that tank isn’t safe anymore?

Would a UV sterilizer possibly work to clear out the bacteria? I have like 8 tanks total and I don’t think I can afford that many UV sterilizers, but maybe I can just use one and rotate it around to get all my tanks back to normal, at least? Is that a thing?

If I do just have to give up and bleach everything, can I bleach my plants and driftwood sufficiently, or do I have to throw it all away, bleach the tank itself, and start over? Because if so I don’t have money to do that and rebuild my tanks like they are, so idk what to do with the surviving fish.

#fish #fishblr #that was long #sorry #tldr i think i have a mystery bacteria/virus affecting fish species differently in my tanks and idk what to do as far as treating/#disinfecting #since it seems to have been in my water for at least 1.5 years

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sillybitchynerd · 5 years

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The Pet Store Myth

A super annoying trend I tend to see is people lying about big chain pet stores and some of the things that go on in them.

Now you can make any kind of argument you want about the places pet store get their animals from and the breeding conditions in those places. Granted that’s not a pet stores call and they need to find animals that do not cost them 500 bucks a pop as well as shipping, and are also able to supply them with healthy movable animals at a decent rate. For example the store I work in sells Bearded Dragons at least once a week, so getting a shipment of 6 babies still only last us about 5-6 weeks, a lot of smaller breeders want 200-400 per dragon not including shipping fee’s. At the price of 50 a dragon we can’t keep up. Go after the breeders, not the minimum wage workers over THOSE conditions.

Now I’m all for judging a store by the conditions of the animals, there are rules in place at my store that demand a level of cleanliness and even ‘display’ that can get management fired if they are not met. Every hour if you stand in a Petco long enough you will hear an animal sound go off over the loud speaker, this lets an manager know they need to do an hourly animal walk. This means misting any reptiles that need it, checking water and food dishes in all cages and scooping any dead feeder fish. In the morning all reps and small animals get greens, fruits and veggies and their water is swapped out. All animals are normally handled or checked over for any signs of illness or injury and everyone is fed. Night time is the same thing, dirty and empty bowls are swapped, everyone is checked and night lights go on.

Small animal bedding is changed twice a week with all items and the tank itself scrubbed down, animals that need dust baths or baths in general get them. Reps are once a week with spot cleaning done in between and soaks are done during this time and normally snake feeds as well. Fish water is tested twice a week, and all filtration and carbon pillows are changed monthly or as needed depending if it’s salt or fresh water. There is at least one full time aquatics worker on staff who’s sole job it is to tend to all things fish, it’s that hefty and complex.

A lot of people think that animals are just killed or shoved in a freezer if they are sick or hurt. Not at all, we could be ARRESTED for doing that in some states. At the first sign of illness or injury the animal is put into the wellness room in the back, if it’s something minor like a scrape or wet tail we keep them quarantined until they are better but anything at all that we are unsure about there is a vet visit set up in 24 hours. Snakes have feeding and weight charts to keep them on track and believe me when they say ANY ANIMAL. We have had feed mice go to the vet after injury in a tank fight. Fish are tricky, we can’t always safely take a fish to the vet and unless there is one willing to drive out we often take pictures and send them to the proper vet who will recommend treatment. Due to tank cycling issues we normally quarantine the tank on the wall and allow the fish to heal on the floor. So if you ever see things like ick which can come in shipments from the breeders please don’t flip a tit. 99% of the time they know and are currently treating the whole tank system just in case.

There are check lists on check lists on check lists of when things get done and how. If an animal is beyond saving WE don’t make that call, a vet does. And WE don’t put them down, a vet does. And it’s often only in very extreme cases will we ever put a treatable animal down and that normally has to do with quality of life and expense. If an animal need $900 meds daily it’s not possible for us to keep up with that and if the animal can not be rescued out it’s up to the vet. If the animal ends up as special needs it’s adopted out to a knowledgeable family or rescue (we have had a few ferrets with diabetes) if an animal has been in our care for too long (fuckin iguanas...) we also lower their price until they are free, if they are still not picked up we add free supplies and if THAT doesn't work we are in touch with reptile rescues and sanctuary’s. Often times the animals that can not be homed are just taken in by staff members. 3 of my pets currently are returned / surrendered / adoptions. We also cycle animals to different stores. Perhaps someone in a different town is looking or able to take in an animal we have, they just don’t know about it so giving it to another store gives that animal a higher chance of adoption.

In the case of cage size all animal habitats are step up as TEMPORARY housing, we don’t expect most of our animals to be in these tanks for more than a month in the best case and as stated above if they do out grow their cages we adopt them out as quickly as possible OR if we need to we shelf pull tanks and supplies to set up enclosures in the back room or on the floor for them. If it looks like we have to many, chances are we do but it’s not the staffs fault. In my stores case someone dropped off 4 large adult GPs the day we got our shipment of babies in. In the morning we only had two, we ordered enough to fill the large end cap cage big enough to house 3 ferrets, one empty long tank big enough for 3-4 babies and one more to add to the tank with the last two babies. We know based on sales trend that our pigs tend to go in days if not by the end of the week..but having 4 large adult males show up out of the blue and us having to take them in for their own safety we ended up putting 2 in each long tank leaving only the last empty end cap tank for literally all our other babies. Which is okay, the pen is big and they live in large groups, the 4 females were pulled and put together in a 40g in the back so we were left with 10 males in the end cap. That’s too many, we know. They all have room to move around and stretch out, no one is cram packed in and they are so small they can fit in your palm no problem but it’s still to many. We are fully aware, we did not plan on this, we HAD the room until about an hour before the babies got there. 2 females in with the 2 we still have 3 boys in the long and the last few in the big tank. Perfect.

“But why didn’t you just put the big ones in the back?!” Because they would never be seen or adopted out, they would sit back there alone for days until we had the tank space for them and adopting out grown adult pigs is hard enough without having to tell everyone we happen to have them. It worked, they went home in about a week and the babies are all nice and spread out....but boy for that week did literally everyone get yelled at.

In the most cynical way possible our top branch looks at animals like product. Just like frozen food it needs to be housed and handled carefully or it’s worthless. If your product is damaged (sick or hurt) it can’t be sold and if it looks like it’s kept in shitty conditions no one is going to buy it in case it’s been spoiled. If we don’t take care of the animals it cuts into their profit. No one is harming or hurting these animals out of hate. All of our animals are counted and accounted for INCLUDING FISH. If more than a normal natural amount of animals die we get a visit from a specialist team and people could lose their jobs. An a normal amount is often one or two hamsters a month IF that. They ask questions, they look into shit. They don’t mess around. We can’t throw Iguanas away in the trash, we would get a call next count asking were the hell over 1000 bucks in animals went over night and if it’s just over a month they will ask why our otherwise healthy animals are suddenly dying.

That being said if you do see something that is CLEARLY not okay say something. A tank filled with dead fish, a dead mouse or animal in a tank. When you handle and deal with animals things happen, we don’t know the health of every single feeder mouse. One that looks fine and acts fine could be riddled with cancer and die suddenly between walks. We could have gotten a 6 year old hamster from the breeder without knowing and it passes in it’s sleep. We might not notice a nipped fin on a Blood Parrot fish and a bird might have gotten a toe stuck in a toy.

It can vary from store to store. I’ve been brought in to help understaffed and under trained stores get their shit together which is why talking to an employee and understanding what’s going on is important. If you see a hamster breathing a bit heavy say something, let us know. Chances are it just started. If you see poor conditions don’t write a bad review on yelp, CALL THE CORP LINE and they will send someone out. Call out bad stores but don’t shame the whole company because there are people who really care and really take amazing care of their animals. Our store has names for every single beta fish, we know all our animals down to their personalities in most cases and we are obsessive about their health and well being. Telling people on facebook to never trust a pet store EVER because you went to a shitty one spreads a fear and distrust when there shouldn’t be. Spread that about SPECIFIC stores. Not all of us. Shop around at your local store and get to know the employees. If you see the same faces every month or year and the animal care is always amazing spread the word and make sure people know they care.

I’ve been screamed at by would be activists who saw a bad post on facebook about a petco once and made it their mission to come in a harass every petco they could find within diving distance. Don’t be that person, and don’t be the person that started it.

#pets #petco #petsmart #pet stores

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