#because fuck me why would i be able to perform a simple social interaction

[innielove]

.

#can't wait for the moment when i finally snap and cut ties with literally everyone and i go to a cave and go mad there all alone #I want to make and maintain relationships but it's so fucking hard when i feel like im bothering everyone and no one ever needs me #literally haven't made a single friend in the past 2 years in university I'm only talking to people when we are in the same class #or when we meet somewhere in the uni buildings and we bitch about teachers and assignments or group projects we are working on together #i barely have any high school friends too like. i gave up on keeping in touch with people because i always feel like no one gives a fuck #about me and im always the one trying to arrange meet ups and whatever #im only talking more to one of my closest friends from hs because we are living in the same apartment during the semester #but also i fucking hate it how when people actually message me i just get overwhelmed and i dont reply for hours or days even #because fuck me why would i be able to perform a simple social interaction #im tired of everything i just want to disappear #also haha sorry for not doing shit on this blog except for the occasional rants and non skz reblogs :))) #shut up vivien no one cares

[laal-ishq-diaries]

black and white || satoru gojo

january 1, 2021

synopsis: in which strange feelings arise as the man you despise brings a date to your hangout spot and you do the very mature thing: serenade him. 1.5k words.

writer’s note: i've only watched like 6 episodes of jjk so i don't even know if my characterization of anyone is on point but i'm obsessed with this idea. the song that inspired this fic was “black and white” by nasty c and ari lennox (which i do not own). enjoy and pls leave some feedback. btw happy new year!!

warnings: allusions to sex. nothing strong but proceed with caution. swearing. alcohol usage. pettiness. 

you fucking hate him. you hate his stupid face and his stupid arrogance. who the fuck does satoru gojo think he is? people think your hatred of him is misplaced because he’s apparently “nice” and “civil” to you but it’s all for show! he is so rude and patronizing and petty. like tonight. when he brought a date to unofficial weekly drinks with colleagues. 

“well, why are you so mad he brought a date?” muses shoko, tapping her fingers on your shared wooden table.

“i’m not mad he brought a date, i’m mad that he’s flaunting her around,” you clarify, arms flailing and gesticulating wildly.

“flaunting? god, he hasn’t even introduced her to us.” “yet,” you seeth.

“well are you going to say anything to him?”

you shoot her an affronted look. “no. why would i?” shoko rolls her eyes and lets out a sigh. “you’re clueless,” she mutters. “excuse m—” “oh look, they're coming.” fuck.

through the dim, yet warm, lights of the bar, you see gojo walking over, arm in arm, with a relatively pretty woman clad in a short black dress. sandy brown hair, tucked behind her ears, cascade down her back and black heels accentuate her long legs. however, your eyes were drinking in the shaman dressed in a tucked in button-up (with the first few buttons unbuttoned, of course), casual black pants, and tan moccasins. his hair was let down from it’s usual gravity-defying updo and dark, round sunglasses replaced the blindfold.

“hey guys, this is sana,” gojo introduces. the aforementioned woman waves and smiles. you could feel shoko’s eyes on you, screaming be nice so you mutter out a greeting and introduction before she, begrudgingly, takes over socializing. 

you silently nurse your drink as your glare resumes. gojo, noting your expression, raises an eyebrow and questions, “what’s that look for?” 

taking a sip of your drink, you shoot back a fake smile and a “nothing. just wondering how your atrocious personality ensnared her.”

he lightly laughs and responds, “you know, lots of women find me attractive.” 

you lean in and whisper into his ear, “physical attractiveness doesn’t cancel out skyscraper levels of entitlement.”

“no, it just gets me a hot date. you wouldn’t be jealous, would you [nickname]?” gojo asks in mock concern. his index finger traverses your cheek before you knock his hand away and sneer, “go fuck yourself.” he exclaims, “don’t need to!” and then grabs sana’s hand and bids farewell to shoko.

“now that,” you point to their retreating bodies, “was flaunting.”  

“you’re paranoid,” she drawls.

“no, i’m fucking not,” you shoot back. “and frankly, i am offended you would think that!” 

“you’re always offended, [name]. especially when it comes to satoru.” you open your mouth to defend yourself but she raises an index finger to your lips and continues, “we’re here to relax. get another drink and watch the performance in peace.” shoko gestures to the stage where the same (surprisingly talented) guy has been singing for the past fifteen minutes, courtesy of the bar’s “Karaoke Night” every Friday. caught up with your inner thoughts, you failed to notice that she was still scolding you.

“… and i’d probably respect you more if you actually did something to prove your point rather than dish out petty insults.” silence dawns upon you two as shoko challenges you. that is, until widespread applause interrupts your interaction and reveals that the karaoke guy (named aki, apparently) finished performing another song. a surge of courage overcomes you, and you abruptly stand up and slam your hands onto the wooden table. “fine, you want me to do something?” shoko makes a noise of confirmation. “watch.”

you lose the leather jacket to reveal a sleeveless, flowy burgundy top and lace up your combat boots before marching towards the stage. truth be told, you didn’t know why you wanted to do this. and you didn’t know what you had to prove. but the whiskey in your blood and the uneasy feeling bubbling in your stomach whenever you saw gojo with his arms around his date pushes you onto the stage.

from across the bar, gojo sees you whisper something into aki’s ear before he announces, “alright, [name] will be joining me for the next song, which is”—he pauses as you whisper something else into his ear—“a surprise!” the applause and cheers drown out sana’s inquiries towards gojo of whether you were a good singer. not that he’d be able to respond, anyways, considering that his brain was swarmed with thoughts of why you were singing in the first place and how fucking hot you look.

up on the stage, aki asks, “is this your first time singing here.” “yeah,” you breathe out. “are you nervous?” one glance back to gojo, and then to shoko who gave whatever she could muster into an encouraging smile, you mutter “i need a drink after this.”

the music starts and your partner sings:

“… let me in your temple

show me what you into

it could be so simple

black and white, yeah …”

your right foot taps in tune with the beat against the floor in front of the microphone as you patiently awaited the female part. you mentally prep for both singing in front of everyone while being half-drunk and how ruined everything would be if this made things awkward with gojo. while the two of you may be at each other’s throats, at least it was smooth dynamic. if he found this uncomfortable, there goes your personal and professional life.

before you can contemplate running out of the bar, ari lennox’s part begins and you sing the chorus, along with aki. you mentally thank the bar patrons who lightly cheered, as if they could sense your apprehension. your solo verse soon begins and you look to aki for a boost of confidence before belting out:

“so call me, baby

'cause you be putting it down on me”

the adrenaline pumping through your veins emboldens you to make direct eye contact with gojo and run your left hand through your hair seductively while continuing with:

“in my bed, on your stairs

when we loving you know we don't care”

across the room, gojo’s eyebrows shoot up; he wasn’t expecting your lyrics to be directed to him. for all the resentment you throw in his direction, he assumed you despised him. a small part of him gathered that you possibly might have feelings for him but he thought they were repressed, at best. seeing you up on stage declaring that, at the very least, you lust for him makes gojo want to take you, right then and there.

on your side, there’s an inkling of doubt that you went too far, until you see him lick his lips and smirk. your expression mirrors his for a moment until you increase the seduction.

“all mine, like wine

say ain't no bitch that got your heart pumpin' like i

fall in love deeply when i look in your eye

fantasy the way you carry me, mariah …”

whistles and cheers from the audience nearly drown out the last line. confidence oozes out of your stage presence and want for gojo oozes out of your every pore, a want that is reciprocal. you see sana go red in the face (most likely because her own date is eye-fucking you). a small part of you feels awful for her but an even larger part feels victorious because, fuck, despite never getting along with him, the two of you have an unbreakable connection. the thought of another woman getting the time and attention he devotes to this connection, to you, drives you insane. god, it makes you want to rip that button-up off and stake your claim all over him.    

the rest of your performance continues with relative ease. once finished, you and aki say your goodbyes and compliments to each other (with him insisting that you have to sing with him again and you responding with a “some other time”) as you depart back to your table. locking eyes with shoko, you receive a look of approval and a nod towards the direction of a certain jujutsu sorcerer approaching you.

“nice singing,” gojo calls out.  

taking a moment to recover from your adrenaline rush, you exhale a simple “thanks.”

“although,” he drawls, “you didn’t need to get up on stage and sing it. you could've just told me that you wanted me.”

“i don't know what you’re talking about,” you say, feigning ignorance.

“oh really?” his fingers gently take hold of your chin and, in spite of his sunglasses, you know that his eyes are staring at your lips. “because i could make it worth your time”

“where’s your date?”

“she left. something about other women who are in love with me being ‘rude’ and ‘offensive.’”

“good,” you whisper, standing on your toes, “because you’re all mine.”

“am i?”—he leans down so your lips now hover over each other’s.

“want me to prove it?”

“let’s get out of here.”

#laal-ishq entries #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #satoru gojo x reader #jjk entries #gojo satoru x reader

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#카지노사이트 #바카라사이트

[coeurvrai]

Last we left off, Nadya passed out for the billionth time after escaping from the room where she was imprisoned and was found by Malachiasz. This time, Nadya wakes up bandaged in a room at the top of Pelageya’s tower.

Pelageya tells Nadya that she knows who she and Malachiasz really are and is aware of her status as a Cleric, because “this palace has been without any blessing of the divine for so long that you were practically shining when you stepped inside.”

“Though,” she considered, tugging at a spiral curl, “he’s not your king. Not mine, either. He’s not even sterevyani bolen’s king, now, is he? Is it treason if we all here swear to different crowns? Except…” Her gaze narrowed on Malachiasz. “You can’t really swear to your own crown, now can you?”

“Careful…” he murmured. He flexed his hand over the arm of his chair, nails flashing iron in the dim candlelight.

Shut the fuck up, Malachiasz. Also @jefflion​ already told me this particular spoiler, that Malachiasz is actually the Queen’s illegitimate child, so I’m both annoyed but also it kind of makes sense? Because either way, Malachiasz wants the crown and sees the crown as his.

Pelageya explains that a certain Vulture rose up the ranks and found out a way to attain godhood, so he told the King in a way to strengthen the relationship between the court and the Vultures; because the previous “Vulture queen” was ruining the sect and the Black Vulture wanted equal power. And so King Izak wanted to perform the ceremony, to give him the power he desperately craved.

“The Vulture disappeared. Poof! There one night, gone the next, leaving his cult to scramble in his absence. Because the Vultures need direction, they need their Black Vulture to lead them, and he had vanished.”

Nadya was listening at a distance, refusing to let the witch’s words catch up to her, to connect all that she was hearing, but she knew, she knew. Would that it had been so simple, that Malachiasz were just a Vulture recruit who got scared and fled. The world was falling out from underneath her and she had no anchor, she had nothing, because nothing was even real.

AND NADYA PUTS TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.

Look, I’ve been 99% sure from the start because that’s what happens when you advertise your book as a villain romance and also say it’s for Alina/Darkling shippers. The plot twist isn’t really a plot twist.

It was Malachiasz. It had always been Malachiasz. The leader of the cult, the one who had spun all of this into motion, the one who had smiled and charmed his way into Nadya’s trust because he could do terrible things with her power if he had access to it. She wouldn’t be sitting here with bandages covering her body if not for Malachiasz.

Look, you didn’t have to listen to him. You didn’t even have to go with him and Rashid and Parijahan to that church, because you had no reason to trust him or believe their plans or to even stick around to hear their plans. You, by all rights, shouldn’t had no actual reason to have been in that situation in the first place.

It’d be more believable if the book had gone along that Nadya was naive and unbelievably sheltered and that had a great effect on her nature and how she interacted with people.

But we literally threw away any semblance of that out of the window by Chapter 2 to double down that Nadya is Independent and Capable and Can Make Her Own Decisions and her upbringing at the monastery and especially as a Cleric has no greater effect on her perception of the world and her social skills.

Also you still haven’t found out what he did with your blood that one time!!!

“But he fled?” Nadya asked. If she pretended the one they were speaking of wasn’t sitting in front of them, listening in calm contemplation, maybe that would make this easier.

“He did,” Pelageya said. “But he came back. Do you think that is coincidence? That this clever boy and his clever magic have returned now?”

“Malachiasz?” Nadya said, her voice smaller than she would have liked, weaker. She willed him to look at her.

He looked different, sitting in the witch’s chair in a way that made it seem almost a throne. His black hair parted far on the right side, falling over his shoulder in inky waves, his pale eyes cold and blank. Less a boy, more a monster. Was that all he was? The silly boy who smiled too much and felt too deeply just a mask for the monster underneath?

Had she fallen for his lies exactly as he wanted her to?

I am going to scream.

You literally have called him a fucking monster and an Abomination and a Heretic ALL of the time, just to remind us that, yes, you still consider him an Enemy even though your hatred is paper thin and not at all believable even though your hatred for Tranavia and Vultures especially is supposed to be Important to your character.

But yes, you did.

He finally met her gaze, eyes softening, growing familiar. “It’s all right, towy dżimyka,” he said, voice soft.

It wasn’t. Not at all.

Pelageya laughed. “Is that supposed to make her feel better?” She stood up, walking around Malachiasz’s chair. “Is that supposed to earn her trust again?” She hooked a finger underneath his chin, forcing his gaze up to hers. She looked young. Nadya didn’t know when the shift had happened but knew the witch was a force of nature. A magic just as old and dangerous as either of them possessed, made worse by the wisdom of her years. “What have you done, Chelvyanik Sterevyani?” she whispered. “What will you still do? I don’t think love is such a force that it will stop you. I’m not sure you’re even capable of it.”

Okay, words are just getting thrown around now.

Also, bullshit! It’s not even something close to love. It’s more lust and attraction than anything else. They barely know each other! So of course love isn’t going to be able to stop him because there isn’t love between him and Nadya, because there hasn’t been time for love to develop between them.

Also this isn’t an enemies-to-lovers dynamic. I know I’ve said that before, but I want to just say it again. This isn’t enemies-to-lovers.

Nadya starts to have a moment, blaming herself and then saying that maybe he had changed, maybe they had changed him, maybe Pelageya is just trying to make trouble.

“I just want to end what I started,” Malachiasz finally said.

Ah yes, with a king dead at your feet and a crown sitting on your head.

Pelageya carries on, throwing around more words:  

“But, this isn’t just about you, Veshyen Yaliknevo. Chelvyanik Sterevyani. Sterevyani bolen.” She sat down on the arm of his chair and he shifted to the opposite side, as far from her as he could possibly get. “This is about the little scrap of divinity you’ve drawn to the depths of Tranavia.”

Nadya lifted her chin. She wasn’t going to let them see she was falling apart.

“She followed you a long, long way from home. What did you tell her to make her come so far without putting a blade in your back?”

Nothing too difficult, really. Just that they had a plan to assassinate the Tranavian King and for some reason, Nadya just went along with honestly without that much fuss, because y’know, the plot demanded it.

Also, as much as I find Pelageya amusing and intriguing, the way she’s being all touchy-touchy with Malachiasz, who is still a teenager, slightly uncomfortable.

“... Now that you point it out she does have the look of a girl who goes for—” She leaned over and tipped Malachiasz’s head back again, baring his throat. His fist clenched over the arm of the chair, nails now just long enough to be visible claws. “—sensitive flesh.”

Like, could you not? We get that Pelageya is creepy and strange already, Emily Duncan, you established that in a Serefin chapter with the prophecy thing.

“I never told her anything that wasn’t true,” he said, voice carefully restrained.

Lie by omission is still a lie, mate. What you omitted was pretty important. I mean, it was obvious and I already knew it, but still.

Pelageya still keeps creepily touching Malachiasz and Malachiasz keeps trying to find excuses for everything, insisting that they’re going to end the war. 

“Why are you here, Malachiasz?”

“I have told you. My reasoning hasn’t changed just because you know what I am now. I want to save my country. I’m one of the few people who can; surely you understand that.”

He was giving her nothing, less than nothing.

“I don’t believe you,” she said softly.

That’s one of the smartest things Nadya has ever said, and that’s saying something.

Nadya, who didn’t know how to hold herself together after this. Nadya, who couldn’t pull her gaze away from Malachiasz, unable to reconcile that the boy she had traded jokes with, that she had kissed, was a symbol of Tranavian heresy. A monster greater than all others.

I- you literally knew that he was a Vulture. That made him “heretical” as is. You knew he was powerful, you literally he was more powerful than Serefin! You called him a monster.

I know, objectively, that this is supposed to be a betrayal for you but you can’t just act like you haven’t been calling him all these things for 75% of the book!

She thought she knew what she was doing, coming here, but now she was in a foreign country, surrounded by her enemies, and the one she had anchored her safety to had been lying to her from the start.

Because the plot demanded that you trust him and go along with their plan even though you had no real reason to.

Pelageya tells her that the entity connected to the necklace that Kostya gave to her is called Velyos, a former member of the Pantheon. That the reason she is cut off from the gods currently is because King Izak is strengthening that “veil” of blood magic that hangs over the capital. 

“There is your magic, which is good, of course. And then their magic. Blood magic. Heresy.”

“It’s just magic,” Malachiasz said.

Still haven’t explained why Marzenya just can’t fuck shit up when magic is one of her domains, plain and simple. And yes, you can argue “the veil” but the veil is still made from magic. It still hasn’t explained why blood magic is so different and untouchable when blood magic is still, at its core, magic.

Pelageya tells Nadya that a witch is just someone with magic of their own, not beholden to the gods. Nadya balks at the thought. Pelageya taunts them both, stating that Malachiasz doesn’t have the power of Vultures that he once did.

The witch had said it to sow more discord, but if he didn’t have full control of the Vultures, maybe that meant he actually was helping them? She shouldn’t give in to hope. She hated that she was so damn hopeful.

I’m rolling my eyes, because Nadya is being predictable at this point and I have no hope for any character consistency besides the fact that it's inconsistent.

A sudden insistent knock on the door made all three of them pause. Then a voice, terrifyingly familiar, came from outside.

“Pelageya? I need to speak with you.”

Of course it would be the prince.

And that’s the end of Chapter 26! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

#sarah reads ws #i have made it to the serefin chapter #also i love how i stopped last time just before the black vulture reveal

[solara-bean]

This is the very extensive and detailed rant of a fed up black, female student of class 2020

-You are free to scroll past this if you want. I really just needed to get this off my chest. But if you have advice or are experiencing a similar situation, feel free to message me-

So first off, I haven't liked going to school since I was 9. And highschool has only deepened my loathing of it. But maybe I don't hate school in general. Maybe I just hate the schools I've gone to ( 4 in total ). This rant is about highschool specifically. Perhaps what I'm about to type is normal and I'm overreacting. But I'm tired of not talking about my problems because I'm worried that I'll sound like an ungrateful brat. Typing/ writing about my issues makes me feel better. And I really need to feel better.

So here are the main points in order of severity: Low income, Advisory, Graphic Arts and Discipline/Work Ethic

Low Income:

I've only ever gone to low income schools in my neighborhood. I hoped high school would be different but thanks to the crappy education of my old school and an even crappier selective enrollment test score, I couldn't get into the schools I wanted. Then again my single mother probably couldn't afford those other schools anyway.

My highschool shares a building with another highschool. And unfortunately they called dibs on the best features and have control of the heating and ac. We don't even have our own gym. We also have the least amount of space with the smallest class being mine of 144 seniors. So there's a lot of packed classrooms.

Speaking of having way too many students, recourses are slim as a result. Our best equipment, chromebooks, need to be reserved weeks in advance by the teacher and even then they still may not be able to get enough of them for their class. Said chromebooks can often be missing keys, not work at all or be stolen easily because of their small size.

A few other issues are terrible lunches ( I've been bringing lunch from home since sophmore year), very limited field trips, mice infestation, very few clubs ( if we have any idk ) and teachers have to pay for just about everything class related.

Advisory:

Advisories were created to prepare us for greek life in college. I honestly think it's to keep everyone in check but ok. Even so I have absolutely 0 interest in anything frat or sorority related ( no offense to those who do ) as well as many of my classmates but advisory is mandatory.

My first 2 years of advisory were hell. Most of my advisory sisters were either people I'd never talk to because we weren't in the same class, had nothing in common or they were straight up terrible people. I should mention that freshman year has the worst students because about 30% don't make to the next grade or just transfer. Most of my advisory sisters I had problems with were in that 30% ( a few had already repeated ).

Since I kept to myself there were very few incidents were I was put into a tense situation with them. The main conflicts involved our advisor, who I guarantee you was not the problem. She was essentially a poor, white, optimistic, young math teacher from out of town that was thrown to the slaughter. And my cowardly self watched not wanting to be next.

She ended up leaving by junior year so what was left of my advisory merged with another and got a new advisor. The only downside is that our new advisor is a firm believer in " sisterhood " and no cliques ( even if you converse easier with a certain group of people and advisory is already a forced clique in itself ). Maybe I'd be more up for advisory events , which we rarely have , if my advisory experience wasn't sullied so early on.

Graphic Arts:

The reason I chose my school was because it had an art class. In seventh grade I knew I wanted to have a career in art and that my talent was lacking but had potential. So you can imagine my horror when I learned that the art teacher had left once I'd gotten there.

I was sad but stayed positive and even highly recommended them to get another art teacher. Then by sophomore we got an art after school program ( 4:25 to 6 twice a week ). I managed to keep my grades the same and take the classes every week for the entire school year. I only missed about 4 days total. For once I actually enjoyed staying after school.

The class taught me so much and I didn't have to wait for the summer to take an art class downtown. Even better I got to interact with other young artists of my race ( there was usually only one other black kid at the summer classes ). Everything was finally looking up.

Then the art galleries happened. The school hosted one per semester. I brought my art to display but I couldn't stay cuz of a shitload of math homework. I got complimented the next day but still regretted not staying. So I vowed to attend the next one with even more pieces than before.

The night finally came and I was hyped. Me and two seniors were in charge of doing caricatures for free ( one senior gave me a dollar tho ). I had fun with that but noticed something weird...none of our art was displayed.

Apparently they cut it out for time along with the theatre clubs performance. And I would've been fine with that. If my family hadn't come.

The icing on the cake was when they turned off the lights in the hallway where we were drawing the caricatures so they could start the show for the performing art groups. I couldn't contact my family until the show was over and booooiii were they pissed. Especially my mom. I was more sad than anything. I had a feeling my school valued the performing art more and this just proved that. At least now we have an actual art class. And my art teacher is awesome and supportive as hell.

Discipline/ Work Ethic:

These are together cuz they've equally fucked me up. Don't get me wrong. I have a 4.2 gpa and 0 detentions.

The problem is my classmates.

I have been to soooo many class/school meetings about behavior and grade issues over the past 4 years. One of which a staff member said " now i know all of ain't bs-in' but why aren't those people helping the ones who are."

Like wow! Thanks. I hate it.

I'd be happy to help my fellow classmates. It's just that their version of help is cheating off my tests and copying my homework.

So yeah my bad. I've been sooo selfish.

I can count on my hand the amount of times I've been told that I'm doing a good job directly and not in front of a class as a way to embarrass them.

This year behavior was so bad that they made a competition to see which advisory would get the least demerits. Big mistake. My heart goes out to all the poor well behaved students who lost because of a few advisory mates. It only takes one. The record for most demerits in a day was 30 I think.

I forgot the competition was going on at some point cuz I've only gotten 2 demerits in 4 years. My advisory won second and we played the waiting game for our prize only to have a pizza party with 17 other advisories. The winning advisory was salty as hell. But hey we got free lunch at least.

I managed to get good grades simply by doing everything on time and having no social life. This was by choice really. I promised myself I'd do better in college but now I gotta study for ap.

It was actually ap literature that gave me a new perspective on my classmates work ethic. We were given a lengthy reading assignment but the due date was stretched by two class days and the weekend. Even though I'd been mentally drained lately ( by lately I mean since the 1st week of school ) and had other work to do, I completed it with slightly less annotations.

Upon the due date I discovered that I and one other classmate completed the reading. Even the valedictorian didn't do it!!! And this wasn't a one time thing either.

In fact my class is notorious for never doing work on time. I'm talking completing-a-project-in-the-class before-the-it's -due- for bad. And some people I understand. Some of them really need help and resources. But every one else. Excuses excuses. The extended due dates gave me extra free time but it made the work I completed on time feel pointless. Like I could've just not done it and not face any consequences.

I tried that and was stressed out all day to the point of doing the work anyway. School's got me whipped I guess.

So if I hate highschool so much why do I go on time everyday, miss at most 3 days a year, do my work, behave myself and study??? Simple. I'm trying to get out. Having a good gpa and test scores will get me more scholarships cuz God knows my mom can't afford art college ( I got into my first choice so yeah:). Really highschool has just been a means to an end.

I've had my good days and have made some friends but I really just wanna run to hills with my diploma in hand. And thats what's kept me going. But now we're quarantined.

And my school has decided to make work optional.....and I have all A's......

Needless to say I've barely done any work at all. If we never have to go back theres a good chance I won't. I'm so numb at this point that I don't care that we may not have a prom ( aka the only dance I was ever going to go to ).

I'm just done. Done and fed up.

But thank you to my mom, family, bestie, teachers and my classmates that actually want to have a future for keeping me going. If I don't completely give up it's thanks to you. Future me, I hope you get everything you want at art school:)

#school #highschool #class of 2020 #2020 #senior year #rant #lomg rant #if anyone wants to share their shitty highschool experience feel free #i actually left a lot of stuff out #like the freshman year camping trip #and social media drama #and spanish class #ughh im getting flashbacks #if you read this thanks it means a lot😊💗💗💗

[abcsofadhd]

On being diagnosed with ADHD in midlife

@campfiresbeerandcoffee got diagnosed with ADHD in their early 50s and I asked them to share their story. 

It’s kinda long but its a damn interesting read about a person’s experience with ADHD and a late diagnosis. It’s VERY well written and I’ve only spaced it out and bolded it for better readability.

Remember, it’s really NEVER too late to get a diagnosis.

I’ve known people with ADHD most of my life. I knew what it was, obviously. It was that boy who was socially inappropriate and weird, the one who got angry too fast, who touched oddly, who couldn’t sit still. 

It was the squirrel brained women I knew, that changed jobs, were super smart, had multiple competencies and could instantly grasp systems, but had so much drive they were always up, always working, always learning. It wasn’t ME.

It didn’t even occur to me that I had ADHD. I wasn’t a problem. I sat quietly in class, lost in my own thoughts, doodling. I could focus for hours on books, on coding, on the grains of sand on a sunny beach. I certainly didn’t have an attention disorder. 

My dad died in my 2nd year of uni. I didn’t do well. Well meaning counselors said I was high strung and should avoid all sugar and stimulants. Are you kidding? Caffeine kept me sane. Eventually I changed majors, and managed to graduate with a BA.

I even managed to get into grad school, and did entrepreneur things too. But eventually I crumbled again and didn’t finish my thesis. I had anger issues. I was high then low. I would rage and weep. I’d spend weeks in apathy, when I had everything I wanted: a business, a wife, wonderful family. But it was a long dark bleak tunnel every day.

Then I heard a radio show on chronic depression and recognized my symptoms. Got some help and medication, and managed to co-found a company.  The anti-depression meds helped, settling on Wellbutrin eventually. But things were still hard.

I got a straight job to help my wife start her career. I worked in an office, coding and structuring information systems. Prestige, recognition, it was great for my ego, good benefits and fair pay. 

10 years in this high performance position I crashed from accumulated stress when my mom died. I was prepared with Wellbutrin and counselling and even so I burned out with major depression and anxiety and ptsd symptoms.  

Took 3 years off work before I dared to take a job with minimal responsibility. In that time I had full on major ADHD symptoms but didn’t recognize them. I couldn’t say what I did all day. 

I couldn’t make a list, couldn’t go in the store. Couldn’t read. Couldn't feed myself. Couldn’t clean. Couldn’t listen. Just- floated in a fog of stress and anxiety. Developed skin issues, auto-immune issues, insomnia, eye twitches. Couldn’t even sit at a computer screen. I was completely useless. Couldn’t leave the house.

Eventually tho, as I worked through what I thought was PTSD, learning to accept the new broken me, I was able to watch a full 20 minute sitcom. Success! I was elated. Who could I tell? Who would celebrate that as an achievement? Yay, you watched TV? Pffft. 

But I was thrilled. And I could go to the store. Maybe even buy a few things. Often I’d just sit in the parking lot. But increasingly I could do some things around the house. Walk the dogs. Buy milk. So I accepted when opportunity offered me a lower-stress job related to my interests.

At my new job, I learned to make eye contact again, slowly re-learned to do simple math again. Cashing out would take me over an hour. I tried so hard to remember names and orders. Failed miserably. Tried to accept the new no-brain me. Found comfort in routine tasks. Developed coping strategies for memory. Accepted that maybe my purpose was to be a heart not a brain. My whole self-worth was always being the smart expert. Now I was busted. But that was ok, because it had to be! 

Medicated with prescription cannabis and started seeing big improvements in depressive symptoms. That led to being able to exercise. Exercise helped immensely. So I was bringing in a bit of money, I was leaving the house and interacting, and felt much better.

Met a co-worker who told me about her ADHD. I understood completely. Had my first “a-ha!” moment when someone asked me how was it that  I understood her. Oh. OH! Other people don’t understand her, and I do. Why?

But, I couldn’t be ADHD, surely? My coworker was classic ADHD in the way I then understood it. Changing topics all over in conversation, but I’d follow right along? We’d chat for hours after work. I grew to admire her strategies for getting things done, her tenacity, her acceptance that she could do things differently. 

And as I admired her force-of-nature engagement with the world, her acceptance of herself, I started to be open to the idea that there was more to ADHD than I thought. I really didn’t think I was ADHD, but how was it I could understand and keep up with her? And when I asked her about it, she looked at me like of course I probably had ADHD, and she thought I already knew?

So after working with her for 2 years I started to read about ADHD, because I was experiencing a little less stress and could focus to read again. But I hadn’t found out yet about the emotional dysregulation. I just knew I was functioning again, kinda. And so I embraced the feelings. I chased them, like an addict, seeking to feel good again.  

And boy did it feel good to let myself feel. I’d learned to build a box around my emotions, because I was always too sensitive, too happy, too sad, too worried. At my coding job, I just lost myself in matrices and code and denied my emotions.  My coworkers had affectionately called me Mr. Roboto. That hurt. But that was the old me. Now, I was going to LIVE and FEEL HAPPY, and it was great. I was elated. 

I partied and made new friends and drank too much and got stoned too much and talked too much and in my exploration  I left such wreckage around me. I was oblivious at first. But when I saw what I’d done, I was in torment. If I couldn’t be a brain, and I couldn’t be a heart, then what good was I? I desperately wanted to be ordinary, but I didn’t know how, and I was going to lose everything.

And then as I tried to get a handle on my behavior, some ADHD memes popped up on social media, and then they popped up with a funny story and I related. And again. And again. And I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Your blog specifically woke me up to the emotional dysregulation aspect, and following that thread of research made my likely ADHD undeniable. So I did the predictable thing and denied it for another year.

Finally I went in for assessment because if I had it, I couldn’t let my kids go untested and if I was going to ask them to try, I had to start with me. Doc didn’t even blink. Basically said, of course you have ADHD. 

This has been everyone’s reaction, when I share my diagnosis with my friends: “Are you really surprised, really?” Yes, dammit, I am! It’s surprising and hard to hear, yes, you are in fact broken. But it’s also freeing. I can stop beating myself up.  I can get appropriate help. I can try meds.

I am terrified of stimulants, because I’m super sensitive to caffeine, and even Wellbutrin was unsustainable for me, causing too much jitters. But I’m taking my Vyvanse and being hopeful. If it doesn’t work out, there is a non stimulant option.

 I know meds won’t solve everything. I know that I have so many of the strategies already, I recognize them in the ADHD forums, and books. But maybe meds will leave me enough energy to address things. Maybe I’ll be able to Get Things Done.

This medicated hopeful happiness does feel a bit like mania, I’ve learned to be distrustful of my happiness. But if it’s going to be helpful, I’m going to try it.  It’s early days.

I’m reading Gina Petra’s Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder. And it’s wrenching. I knew my latest crisis was hard on my family, but I didn’t realize it’s been the whole marriage, it’s been my whole life, school, college, career, midlife! It’s enlightening but hard to read testimonials from people living with untreated ADHD partners, and recognize myself in their stories. I had no idea of the extent ADHD was contributing to my personality and behavior.

My wife and kids deserve to be off the rollercoaster. I also deserve to be happy. I want to look forward to each day again instead of waking up knowing I’m going to fuck up again.

So it’s not a comfortable place to be, here in the spotlight. But it sure as hell beats being in the dark and blindly flinging myself in a new direction. It’s revealing. It means taking personal responsibility. 

But it also means hope. Hope that it can be better. Hope I can stop hurting the people I love. Hope I can be the person I want to be, the person I’ve been on occasion. It means hope for sustainable stable relationships and jobs. 

#adhd #actually adhd #adhd tag #abcs of adhd #diagnosis story #adhd story

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Do you think Ogata is a sociopath?

Sorry for the late reply. Sadly this is an extremely busy working period for me.

Anyway…

is Ogata fitting sociopath trope?

It’s a really interesting question and also, if I’m not wrong, a hot topic for the fandom so I’ll try to answer it the best I can.

I’ll use as reference for the Sociopath trope tvtropes because it’s good enough to analyze a character of a litterary work.

So, for this trope, we’re given 5 defining qualities (I’ll copy the words of tvtrope below so people don’t have to go back and forth to check it).

1) Lack of Empathy and Devoid of Conscience: Their defining feature. Utterly ruthless doesn't begin to describe them: except for when trying to appear normal, they will disregard any social norms and semblance of morality in pursuit of their own selfish desires. The Sociopath will do whatever it takes: lie, cheat, steal, extort, manipulate, or use outright violence without the slightest hesitation, disgust or remorse, and for as little as Pleasure or The Evulz. Murder and violence have no more emotional weight than eating Chinese takeout or some other mundane activity, and they have no concern for the direct or collateral damage they do to other people, being unable to understand why anyone should. Likewise, they never truly understand the feelings of others on anything more than an intellectual level, and may even believe that everybody else is faking it too. As many Real Life criminal psychologists put it: "They know the words but not the music." Techniques for learning moral behaviour, such as reason, therapy, rehabilitation and behavioral reward/punishment, will not work on them or tend to only make their behavior even worse by making it easier for them to fake it. This is why the only thing resembling consistently successful treatment involves teaching them to avoid behaviors that have predictable consequences; they may still believe that consequences are bullshit, but if they have been made sufficiently aware of the fact that their behavior will always end up with them in jail, getting sued, or simply just getting jumped or killed when they fuck with the wrong people, and that they can't lie and fake their way out of it because people are wise to their game, they will usually shape up.

Noda actually debunk this in Ogata’s second apparition and it’s THE DEFINING FEATURE of the trope.

Not only he has Ogata decide they won’t kill Tanigaki in Huci’s house because Huci reminds him of his grandmother, whom he loved and therefore he doesn’t want to kill her (chap 43),

but he also have him to save Nikaido (Chap 45)

eventhough Ogata is sure it’s a trap (Chap 45).

In case people hadn’t gotten the message well Noda remarks his meetingwith Huci left an impression by having him remember her when Tanigaki mentionedher (chap 110)

making him consequently offer to help Tanigaki (yeah the way hewent at it was horrible) and in other small instances (like how although hedoesn’t believe in dreams he tells Asirpa he should write her instead than justsaying he should ignore her for being senile and naïve (chap 113)).

He also remarks that Ogata knew a wounded Nikaido would be a liability byshowing how one of the war techniques Ogata learnt in war was to woundopponents instead than killing them (chap 46)…

and underlines this again in thefight with Vasily, where not only it’s explained again how wounding opponentsis a technique used to damage enemies (Chap 162)...

but Ogata also comments on how Vasilywon’t expose himself for his companions as he evidently would be comfortablehearing their screams of pain through all the night (chap 162)...

which was what Ogata should have done instead than saving Nikaido.

We’ve other instances in which Ogata showed he’s not utterly ruthless,like when he saves Shinpei instead than letting his father kill him and onlyafterward killing the man (chap 59).

We’ve him claiming he doesn’t feel guilt for the people he kills and yethe hallucinates and is clearly haunted by the memory of his brother, whom hekilled (chap 164/165).

More recently instead we’ve the scene in which he comfort Koito (chap199)

...or the fact once he was left alone with Koito he didn’t harm him in retaliation for slamming his head against his nose but just tied him (Chap 200).

Noda likely created those settings exactly to debunk the defining feature of thetrope, so we won’t get the wrong impression about Ogata.

2) Consummate Liar and Manipulator: In the event they are ever targets of suspicion in crime dramas and thrillers, sociopaths are able to fool any Living Lie Detectors in the cast, pass polygraphs effortlessly, and fool even you, the audience, into believing they are genuinely kind and caring people who are victims of a "big misunderstanding" (assuming they are not so smugly confident of their own invincibility that they feel no need to hide their unsavory personality). Moreover, despite their lack of empathy, sociopaths are capable of using their knowledge of others' desires, emotions and insecurities to manipulate them for their own personal gain. Because of this, many of them are Faux Affably Evil. This is related to their lack of empathy and shame - they don't feel the slightest discomfort about lying or exploiting others, so they do so with the same ease in which normal people perform mundane activities. This is why you should always assume that any apparent epiphany from a sociopath is bullshit; as far as they're concerned, it's just another tool to get what they want, and they don't actually believe that they have done anything wrong. Don't let them know that they are full of shit, because it will just force them to become more slick, but do act with the knowledge that they will go right back to their old ways the minute that they think it is safe to do so.

Yeah, Ogata lies in Golden Kamuy. All the cast does, even Asirpa.

But the idea here is he has to be a consummate one, a GOOD one, a masterful one, not just a guy who here and there lies. He has to be so good at lying he can manipulate others though his lies.

And Ogata fails at lying. Noda debunks this as well in Ogata’s second apparition when he tells Tanigaki that he was joking when he said Tanigaki might have killed Tamai and Co and Tanigaki is free to remain in Huci’s house because Ogata will act as if he had never seen Tanigaki (Chap 43).

Tanigaki is so sure Ogata is being sincere he thinks he has to leave AS SOON AS POSSIBLE (Chap 43).

And I’ve spent lot of time discussing how his lie about Sugimoto’s final moments was a complete and utter mess, the clear sign the most Ogata can do are extremely simple lies because as soon as he tries to make up a story that’s as unbelievable as possible.

Ogata can be a good strategist during a battle.

We see it in the Barato arc, also in the sniper duel and, if we want, also in his recent escape. However he’s clearly not good at manipulating people in interactions.

He can’t win over their trust, which is a big requisite to manipulate people as he’s almost universally distrusted, we see it not only with Tanigaki, who simply didn’t buy his lie nor spilled the truth about Sugimoto’s involvement but also with Sugimoto himself, who’ll be more prone to trust Kiro or Hijikata, who’ll both betray him to try to get Asirpa, and even Tsurumi than Ogata even when it’ll be really obvious Ogata is actually right (remember the fake Ainu arc?), with Yuusaku, who won’t spend time with whose women nor kill a man, with Asirpa, who won’t give him the code and honestly, I’m not even sure his attempt at hinting Tsurumi’s involvement in Koito’s kidnapping will be something Koito will understand.

In order to be a manipulator is not enough to attempt to manipulate, you’ve to do so successfully. And Ogata fails at this.

3) Pathological Need for Stimulation: The Sociopath's raison d'etre (i.e.: an overriding goal which serves as one's "reason for existence"). Due to their inability to empathize or even care for those around them, sociopaths largely view their existence as boring or meaningless and therefore feel compelled to engage in "thrill-seeking" activities to alleviate their restlessness. How this manifests depends largely on the sociopath's personality. It can be as relatively benign as binging on video games, compulsively gambling, or leading highly promiscuous lifestyles. Far more dangerous examples are prone to satiate their lust for thrills by partaking in criminal enterprises, becoming serial rapists and/or killers, or (if they are unusually high-functioning) accumulating vast wealth and/or influence for the sole purpose of dominating as many people as they can for their own amusement. Due to their obsession with indulging their insatiable appetites however they want whenever they want, sociopaths have a very low tolerance for inconvenience or irritation which in turn leads them to have a pronounced lack of impulse control. Because of this, many of them are Ax-Crazy, have a Hair-Trigger Temper, and/or are Mood Swingers.

That’s hard to say.

So far Ogata never stated to find existence boring without action. Sure, he’s engaged in a very risky hunt and he’s rather reckless but does he has a pathological need for this or, like the rest of the cast, he’s just thinking this is the price to pay to reach his goal? He’s in this for the fun of it or he has a different purpose? Until we don’t know Ogata’s goal we can speculate as much as we want but we can hardly say for sure.

What we know is Ogata has a very good impulse control, that he’s usually very cold and even in the few circumstances we’ve seen him angry or in a tight spot he hardly lost it.

4) Shallow Affect and Complete Lack of Emotional Reciprocity: A Sociopath is physiologically incapable of experiencing a deep emotional attachment towards others but - being a Consummate Liar - learns early in life how to fake them. This shallow emotional life means that the Sociopath is unable to form sincere long-term relationships with anything or anyone, but will feign feelings of love and affection if they feel it serves their purposes. Most of the true feelings a sociopath harbors towards others, positive or negative, are rooted in an insatiable desire to dominate or control them. While narcissists desire to be loved or at least respected, sociopaths don't care whether others view them positively as long as they don't stand in the way of their own self-centered gratification. In the rare event that a Sociopath actually does form an "attachment" to another person, it rises no further than that between an owner and a possession and/or a valuable resource for advancing their goals. Thus, once such "friends" cease to be useful or entertaining, they will abandon them or, in some cases, even kill them without any hesitation or regret. Any emotional reaction to having committed a heinous act is met indifference at best and glee at worst.

Technically debunked again in Ogata’s second apparition.

As said before not only Ogata declared he had feelings for his grandmother but even went out of his way to spare Huci because it reminded him of her.

But I know this is viewed in a rather controversial manner.

In fact so far we hadn’t seen him developing a deep emotional attachment toward others as he remained a loner.

The fandom though was very impressed by two things.

One is his relationship with Yuusaku. It’s worth to note that Noda made very clear that Ogata wanted to avoid Yuusaku and not have a relationship with him at all (chap 164),

...and it was on Tsurumi’s request he ended up on having to try to deceive him and get them what they wanted. It’s also meaningful how Ogata never played the whole thing on the affection side. The most he did was to point out he and Yuusaku were brothers so they should get to mischief together, but he never tried to use feelings into the play, he insisted in calling Yuusaku ‘Yuusaku-dono’ and he never asked Yuusaku to do something because Ogata loved him or out of the love Yuusaku should feel for him.

Ogata is clearly not faking any affection for Yuusaku, he’s at most giving him some of his time. Yuusaku, who has already decided Ogata has to be delighted to have a little brother even when Ogata clearly hinted the contrary, might not see it but this speaks more of Yuusaku’s obsession to get Ogata to be his big brother than about Ogata’s attempt at faking feelings he didn’t felt.

The other thing the fandom likes to talk about is Ogata’s relationship with Asirpa.

That one is a rather controversial topic.

Asirpa is friendly with Ogata. Nothing over the top, she just deal with him with the same kindness she would deal with everyone else (actually she’s kinder with Tanigaki considering the guy threatened her and tried to use her as human shield and she completely forgave him that and saved his life. Twice).

Ogata’s interactions with her, for most of the story, are not responding to it at all.

He’s not faking affection, he’s just mostly not interacting and keeping on his own.

It takes him months to say ‘citatap’ as she repeatedly asked him and call Asirpa by name. It’ll take him even more to say ‘hinna’.

Asirpa decides to remain friendly with him. That’s Asirpa’s decision, it’s not Ogata’s actions, or more exactly his lack of actions that cause Asirpa to remain friend with him.

And Asirpa is clearly not the type who needs to be rejected to latch to someone as we see she’s just fine with being friend with Sugimoto, Shiraishi, Kiroranke, Tanigaki and others, who aren’t keeping distant, nor she’s so starved for affection just a word would win her over.

Even when he will try to get her to give him the code he won’t try to play it on the ‘if you care for me/trust me give me the code’ or on the ‘I care for you so I’m telling you what would be best for you’.

Really, to assume Ogata was faking affection with her would require accepting he can’t fake it to save his life.

5) Grandiose Sense of Self-Worth: The trait that ties it all together - the one that changes it from moustache-twirling evil into a mental disorder. Sociopaths will go so far as to convince themselves that they have succeeded in their plan, even as failure stares them in the face and snaps on the handcuffs. They genuinely believe it. They don't really care what others truly think on the matter, but they do care about what they say, and like to fill their social circle with people who say what they want to hear. Any others - even former 'friends' - will be dismissed from the sociopath's social circle simply for doubting them. They consider themselves better than anybody else and that they are entitled to special treatment - and they can't stand anybody being considered better than them. However, while the Narcissist is self-conscious of how they measure up to others' standards (and therefore will experience shame or guilt for failing them), a sociopath's grandiosity is all-encompassing to the point they have no concern how their actions reflect upon them UNLESS it threatens their ability to indulge their appetite for further stimulation. They are incapable of acknowledging personal responsibility for failure, and will always blame others, no matter how irrational it is. In fact, it's considerably difficult convincing them that the activity they have partaken in has even failed. This is all part of why a sociopath can't change - since they consider themselves to already be perfect, and refuse to acknowledge failure on their part, and consider the true opinions and feelings of others insignificant, they never try to improve themselves.

Honestly I wouldn’t say Ogata has a grandiose sense of self worth.

Sure, he knows he’s an amazing sniper and he occasionally brags about it.

Everyone does know Ogata is amazing at sniping. This is, after all, a fact that’s accepted by the whole cast and that’s actually proved more than once, after all Ogata fits the trope of improbable aiming skills with his impressive feats of shooting two deer at once or managing to catch three woodcocks with a less suitable rifle, exterminating a reindeer herd on his own or hitting targets with an impossible precision from an amazing distance.

Ushiyama too comments on how he’s Ushiyama, the Undefeated, even if he lost to Gansoku here and there when they only used fists (Chap 143).

Just bragging a little on a real skill isn’t a sign of grandiose sense of self-worth, just of rightful pride for it. Yeah, modesty is an important virtue but you don’t turn into a sociopath if you’re proud of what you can do.

What’s more noteworthy though is he knows he’s a rejected kid, anunwanted one, who wasn’t loved and that feels he lacked something fundamental. He’s aware of how, being an illegitimate, his existence was a source of shame for his father. He comments on how he knew he wouldn’t be able to persuade Asirpa, admitting his failure. He admits his responsibility in his actions.

Therefore I can’t really see him as a guy with a grandiose sense of self worth.

And so with this, we’ve finished with the defining traits for this trope.

Tvtropes also says:

Many of these traits are shared with other disorders, but it's the combination of them all that creates the trueSociopath.

In short you need them all to have a character that fits this TROPE (please, remember, this is a TROPE, the real personality disorder that goes with the same name is not something an ordinary person can find out in real people with this checklist, no, not even if, like me, they studied psychology in high school, this is a list for a TROPE as this is a fictional work).

As a result honestly I can’t see Ogata fitting into them because, for the first 2, Noda actually did his best to remark howthey don’t fit to Ogata from his second apparition, for the 3rd we can’t really say as we lack material, I’ll let the 4th up to debate and honestly, I don’t see him matching with the 5th.

As a trope Ogata fits the cold sniper with improbable aiming skills and an ambiguous disorder (at least for now... who knows, in the future Noda might tell us).

The one of the sociopath isn’t really cut on him.

It doesn’t mean Ogata is a good person, or that he only does good things, it’s clear he does a BIG DEAL OF TERRIBLY WRONG THINGS and we know sociopaths can do this sort of wrong things.

However Noda apparently wasn’t interested in making Ogata a sociopath or otherwise he wouldn’t have written scenes debunking a sociopath’s main characteristics and, believe it or not, in real life you don’t need to be a sociopath to do the sort of wrong things Ogata does so it’s not like Noda is being unrealistic.

Sorry to whoever wanted him to be one, I know each fandom loves to have its own memetic psychopath but as they’re not my cup of tea I fear I won’t partake into the ‘fun’ of turning Ogata into one.

Thank you for your ask!

#Golden Kamuy #Ogata Hyakunosuke #Ask

[moiraineswife]

Autistic!Kaz Headcanons

Just bc I can. You should all read @barrelrat‘s initial post about this that initially got me thinking this way/that inspired a few of the following. But basically I couldn’t sleep last night so here we are. 

-Kaz longing for the quiet, peaceful familiarity of the farm when he first comes to Ketterdam. The city is too big, too loud, too bright, too crowded, too much. Everything overwhelms him for the first few weeks, and he clings to Jordie as the only stable, familiar anchor that he has. 

-He picks up magic/sleight of hand quickly/easily because in addition to being a special interest, the constant, repetitive movements he practiced over and over again necessary to let him master the skills are stims. He does this a lot unconsciously. One of his favourites is manipulating small stacks of coins in his hands, or shuffling packs of cards. 

-One of the things that makes him so successful with magic, with conning, with life tbh is his Need to know why. (this is canon, and I love it, so it’s not really a hc but see if I care) His plans are so detailed, so meticulous, and generally go so well because of how thoroughly he understands each and every detail of them. It’s not enough to know that, for instance, Wylan’s timed bombs will go off when he says they will, Kaz needs to understand the mechanics behind them. This helps him spot weaknesses, flaws, and patterns, and is one of the things that makes him so successful. 

-Kaz being touch averse before Jordie’s death. Only now there are images and grief attached to the aversion. That makes it worse but also, in a twisted kind of way, better. Because at least now there’s a Reason behind it, and he can understand it. 

-Kaz plans everything. From breaking into the Ice Court, to basic, every day to-do lists. He can do it all mentally, and keep track of everything that way, but he likes writing it all down. IT’s a way of taking control and it’s grounding/calming. Probably has an old blackboard/some chalk in his office at The Slat. It’s stimmy and it means he can doodle elaborate lists and plans all over it. 

-Most of his stims are small things that he can hide. The streets worked out the notable ones from him a long time ago. He strokes the head of his cane, tracing all of the deep lines and groves in it, lingering on patches that are especially smooth. He flexes his hands - the feeling of the leather gloves curling around them is especially Good. Is also prone to leg dancing and finger tapping (especially to music. He picks out the beats of any nearby music and taps along to the them) But they’re all things that he can be discreet about. He used to hum, but when he was abandoned on the streets it was too much of a giveaway and he trained himself to stop. 

-Kaz saying he has a headache when he becomes overloaded because he doesn’t know how else to explain that he needs to leave this place now. 

-First signs of him heading towards a meltdown is always irritability. He becomes v easily frustrated, snaps sharply if interrupted, becomes frantic if he can’t easily find something, and is agitated and irritated by even small sounds in his vicinity. Will murder you for being too Loud when he’s like this because he just can’t deal with it. 

-Never has meltdowns in front of other people. He instinctively suppresses them in public/on a job. This typically causes a massive shutdown afterwards. he locks himself in his room, turns off all the light, and buries himself in his bed where it’s dark and quiet. He refuses to see anyone during that time, and everyone knows not to bother him/to let him recover in peace. 

-Has shutdowns more frequently than meltdowns. Becomes nonverbal during them, very withdrawn and unresponsive - typically the only communication anyone gets out of him then is nods/shakes of the head. 

-Bad trauma days make his sensory issues much, much worse. Some days he can’t leave his room because the very feel of the air on his skin is too much. He won’t even let Inej see him on those days, he needs to be alone to be able to meltdown/stim and process everything the way he needs to. 

-Occassionally becomes utterly Consumed by short but very very intense special interests. Once developed one in baking, it only lasted about a week but it was Intense. He was covered in flour for days and was constantly trying new things, and tweaking old recipes to make them completely perfect. Only Kaz could turn cake-making into a form of science. He experimented with different methods of mixing, different amounts of flour, the order he added the ingredients in etc etc etc. The Dregs were baffled but delighted. Nina swears she has never eaten better waffles in her entire life. 

-His cane becomes a comfort object, he gets really angsty if he doesn’t have it close at hand at all times. His gloves are comfort objects too, even if he manages to stop wearing them all the time, he always keeps them on him. Inej brings him back a small, smooth, polished stone she found on her travels - it becomes a comfort object, too. He always has it in his pocket. 

-Can recreate maps/building plans he’s studied incredibly accurately....But he has no sense of direction. Frequently gets lost in The Slat. Only manages to navigate the city bc he’s carefully memorised maps/routes/landmarks. 

-APD has him threatening to gag Jesper at least twice a week because ‘I can’t process two different speakers/conversations at once, Jesper shut up.’ 

-Loves listening to Wylan play flute. Will legit sit and listen to him quietly for hours. Wylan starts noticing when Kaz is getting overloaded and, if he’s able, will discreetly play for a little while to help ground him. 

-One time Inej changed her perfume an he became so irritated and bothered and  he couldn’t understand why which was almost more frustrating. Eventually she realised what was wrong. 

-Hates clothes with high/tight collars, they feel like they’re strangling him. 

-I’m not entirely sure if this is possible Heartrender wise, or rather, if it was possible pre-parem but, like, humour me okay? He asks Nina to use her abilities to lessen the quality of his hearing/eyesight/touch, just slightly, and only for short periods of time, but it really helps when he’s becoming overloaded. 

-Will cut you if you fuck with his routine/his plans in any way. (Always has v precise, detailed plans and no, we can’t go there first, because if we go there first then x, y, z will happen, and we won’t be able to do that, and the world will end no just everybody do as I say I have worked this shit out) 

-Absently stroking Inej’s hair = The Best Stim. 

-The pickiest of picky eaters. 

-Kaz ‘I don’t like new things’ Brekker. Nina despairs over him bc he orders exactly the same thing every single time they go out for anything to eat. 

-One time a restaurant took his item off their menu and Kaz Twitched uncomfortably until the owner told him they kept a few of the necessary ingredients on-hand for him so he could still have it. All of Ketterdam relaxed and a shrine was later built to this good woman’s sense. 

-Had to carefully teach himself to read each individual person’s tone/expressions/body language etc for each job. He constantly studies people and improves his understanding of them - it’s like watching for tells in a fight/card game, but with everything. Keeps very detailed, very extensive notes. Doesn’t realise that not everyone has to do this until Nina spots his notes on her and is just like ??? Kaz ??? is this necessary ????? 

-Dsypraxia!Kaz - performs incredible precise, delicate, deft lock-picking one minute. Bangs into the corner of a desk the next bc it was moved an inch to the right of its usual spot. 

-One day, Mathias decides to be ‘helpful’ and sets about fixing up The Slat. Kaz walks in and freezes. ‘No.’ ‘But the floorboards were creaking here so-’ ‘No.’ ‘The roof leaked a little, I thought-’ ‘No.’ ‘The carpets were-’ ‘No.’ ‘The paintwork could use a little freshening u-’ ‘No.’ Kaz threatens to drown him in the fresh tin of paint he has open and ready next to him and methodically undoes all of Mathias’ fixes until the Slat is creaking, whistling, leaking, and tripping people up as it should. 

-One time Nina got bored and decided to rearrange the furniture ‘for a change’. This did not go down well. 

-Gunshots are sensory hell tbh. 

-Views literally everything in terms of business arrangements bc it’s the only way he’s learned to really make sense of social interactions?? People are loyal to him bc he knows their secrets, and bc he’s the most beneficial to their interests than any other gang leader in Ketterdam. People will do favours for him bc he’s done things for them in the past/would do in the future. ‘I will make you waffles today, and you will promise to help me with my sensory shit at a later date when I need you to. The deal is the deal.’ ‘Uh...Kaz...We’re friends?????’ Kaz: *this does not compute* *Nina sighs and just nods and yes, yes, u strange boy, just prepare me my waffles* 

-He slowly starts to understand things on a more personal/intimate/informal level when he’s with Inej and they start getting closer. But he still, at the end of the day, rationalises/makes sense of everything via a structure that’s simple, and logical to him, and that’s by viewing it as a job. Inej is patient with him, and pretty understanding...As long as he never gets to the point of, like, ‘I have kissed you three times today, this equates to a ten minute leg massage, I would like to cash this in now, please.’ (He never does. (Except once when he was teasing her about it and she just like ffs, kaz, u had me for a minute there.)) 

-Has a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ with a stray cat he insists he hasn’t adopted. He feeds it and gives it somewhere warm to sleep. In return it is an A++++ stim toy. V soft and it’s a great, warm presssure stim when it curls up in his lap which is obviously the only reason he lets it do this. But he has not adopted it, this is strictly a business arrangement- I can see you rolling your eyes at me, Nina. (Its name is ‘Demjin.’) 

#kaz brekker #six of crows #grishaverse #inej ghafa #lbardugo #leigh bardugo #soc series #soc #crooked kingdom #kaznej #inej x kaz #autistic!kaz #autistic kaz #autistic headcanons #autistic character #listen #i have a lot of Emotions about this #and all of them are here #text post tag #long post #autistic tag #actuallyautistic #I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THIS POST #BUT HERE IT IS #In all its...uh....glory???

[hazuukashi]

Dusty’s Plot Wishlist

Apparently I didn’t have one, or at least not one up to date on this blog, so I figured I’d fix that! Here’s a list of wanted plots that I’m absolutely interested in carrying out with anybody. Some of these are super muse specific and others are generic, but if your muse fits the criteria for any of these, by all means hit me up and we can discuss it! More will be added to this list when I can think of ‘em.

General

Music Session with Leon. It doesn’t matter what sorta style your muse likes. Let ‘em play around on instruments, sing alone or jam on headphones.

Prank Wars. Doesn’t matter if they’re between Leon and your muse, or if they team up to cause mischief around the community. Just. Let. Them. Be. Devils.

Clothing-Related? I don’t even know what to say about this but... Leon is completely down for dress up selfie shoots or just trying on the weirdest styles. Hell, he’ll buy whatever looks good on either him or your muse.

Competitive Sports. By all means, challenge Leon to a game of something. It doesn’t even hafta be baseball; He’s gonna agree to it anyway and they’re gonna go ridiculously hard even if it’s something as simple as thumb wrestling. Just gotta be enthusiastic.

Sibling-like Relationship. Leon’s cool with friends, romantic partners and bros, but where’s the relationships where he just bonds with someone so well that they may as well become honorary siblings in each other’s family? Leon’s an only child for the most part so y’know, let him have an honorary sib.

Cooking. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TEACH THIS MOTHERFUCKIN’ MICROWAVE MASTER HOW TO COOK PLEASE.

Carnival Outing. Oh fuck yeah. Leon would love any sort of amusement park or carnival. Of course he’d also win every single prize at any carnival game booth that involved throwing, but y’know, all’s fair.

General Text Threads. Not exactly a plot, but I don’t really have a lot of texting threads, and for good reason. I would sorta wanna see some goofy relationship building in text format though. Since Leon does love social media and his phone.

Working Out/Locker Room Shenanigans. Pretty much his home territory. Let him be a ridiculous fool where he feels natural.

READING WITH LEON. Teach the boy to appreciate a good book, please. Your muse can read comics and manga with him as usual, but he really needs to appreciate any book sometime before he becomes an independent adult.

Post-HPA Verse (’After Graduation’)

Literally any hanging out/catching up threads. ‘Oh we haven’t seen each other much since graduating from HPA, but we still sorta keep in touch and now we’re actually making an effort to rekindle our relationship.’

Leon’s Professional Baseball Games. Go out and accompany him to a game. Let him perform for you, whether you’re a platonic or romantic companion, he’s gonna make each game special for YOU alone.

Interviews. Post-HPA Leon’s a super successful athlete after all. He’s gonna be doing interviews. If your muse wants to come along, maybe even somehow get roped into the interview alongside Leon, that’s absolutely rad.

Travel Threads. You wanna go someplace? Let’s do it then. Doesn’t matter where, just up and go. Leon’s down, he’s got the money, just pick up and go on a week’s trip to wherever the hell you want. All he asks is that you let him take a ton of selfies while he’s there.

And of course, develop a full relationship that carries on into his adult life.

Survivor Verse (FF Verse)

Excursions into the apocalyptic cities. Sure there’s gonna be some risked lives, but... Why not actually go out there and achieve some of the FF bureaus’ goals? Leon’s game is public relations, but aside from a bodyguard or accompanying moral support, the sky’s sorta the limit for creativity otherwise.

Despair Information Session. Leon doesn’t and wouldn’t know everything anyway. He’s not really the most information-savvy guy, but he’d want to know what happened with his older classmates. 

I’m gonna list these two in here as well, because like, I don’t REALLY have a specific verse for these but they’re closer to survivor than anything else so.

MEETING MASARU. That’s... That’s the plot. Let Leon meet his mini-me. 

I dunno, I always sorta wanted a Komaeda-esque relationship with Leon and the WoH. Leon’s probably able to serve them and entertain them. In a weird way, despite the whole killing thing, he could see it as amusing enough. Hey, if he’s living, all’s good, in his mind. It could be fun to see how he interacts with each of the WoH I guess, y’know? A demon, but not the worst demon.

Muse-Specific

Leon and Sayaka/Kaede/Ibuki discussing music. Leon would be more attentive to what they hafta say, and it’s kinda a big deal for him to learn from them.

Leon defying Ishimaru. Oh please. Ishimaru can try to write Leon up all he wants, but that doesn’t mean he’s gonna listen. Leon doesn’t hate the guy, but he’s gonna tease him about being uptight, then try to understand him, maybe.

Leon and Junko discussing social media/interviews/fan life. Y’know, if she isn’t completely despair-ridden at that point, it could be a good point of conversation.

Goatee Bros. That’s... That’s the plot. Kaito where you at dude.

Leon and Amami traveling. Where the fuck to? Who knows? Who cares? They’d look great doin’ it, and they’d both be adventurous af.

Leon and Amami talking fashion/accessories. Also, I mean, there IS that one picture of Amami ‘jokingly’ painting Leon’s nails... Hmm...

Leon cool-mentoring the dweebs. PRETTY MUCH gonna be Naegi/Saihara/Souda(?)/Hajime(?) among other muses. Leon’s super outgoing and as long as they give him the time of day, he’s gonna break ‘em outta their shells and comfort zones and make them a little better socially.

Leon and Komaeda fucking destroying the carnival/arcade. Between their luck and skill, they’d clean the place out so easily wtf.

Leon and Saihara/Kirigiri/Chihiro/Byakuya/Toko/Kirumi/??? There were others, but mainly... Educate the boy. Please. Figure out a way to make the boy smarter without destroying his will to be in school completely.

Leon and Tsumugi Cosplay Hour. Hey, as long as he looks good and cool, he’ll wear literally anything. Considering the amount of times he’s changed his look, he’s pretty chameleon-like. He’ll find a way.

I’m still 1000% down for Leon and a bro roommate. Specifically a dude to room with though. Any in particular? Nah.

TBD??? More???

#[dusty's wanted plots] #plot wishlist #long post

[new-level5468]

Blood Orange & Queer Media

Blood Orange (Photography by Matthew Leifheit)

Devonté Hynes is a virtuoso musical artist; a singer, songwriter, producer, and composer that is better known under the name Blood Orange. Under the moniker Blood Orange, Dev Hynes has released three albums: Coastal Grooves, Cupid Deluxe, and Freetown Sound, and has worked with the likes of Tinashe, Solange Knowles, FKA Twigs, Carly Rae Jepsen, and Sky Ferreira. Blood Orange is a versatile artist that is included within a movement of musical consciousness that integrates more inclusive listening for audiences who often feel excluded from the narratives told through traditional popular media. Blood Orange’s approach to music includes R&B and electronic roots which convey messages spanning from racial injustice to gender identity and sexuality, incorporating his own fluid identity with sexuality and gender that allow for Devonté Hynes to tell stories that are personal, yet universal.

(”Coastal Grooves” by Blood Orange)

A quick glance at the album cover of Blood Orange’s first album, Coastal Grooves, shows a glimpse into the drag scene that was alive in New York City within the bar Sally’s II. The photograph that is featured on the album cover portrays one drag performer by the name of Exotica, as captured by the photographer Brian Lantelme in a series that documented the history of Sally’s II (http://www.sallys-hideaway.com/A_Pictorial_History.html). The inclusion of this photo is a testament to how drag and queer spaces have influenced the creation of Blood Orange’s musical endeavors. 

Blood Orange (Press Here Productions)

In an interview with Fader, Dev Hynes discussed the ways that he found himself relating to “the gay ball scene in New York in the ’80s” and how difficult “being young and black and gay at that time” must have been. Hynes’ related to this feeling of being discriminated against as he “faced a lot of prejudices like that” and would ultimately be targeted in physical attacks because he stood out against the traditional masculine gender role that is expected by society (http://www.thefader.com/2011/06/24/dollars-to-pounds-blood-orange/). This parallel between Dev Hynes’ story and the drag ball scene exemplifies why including more diverse representation is absolutely crucial within media, because it delivers stories that give strength to others who go through similar experiences. Pop culture is in part perhaps created to be entertaining, but also in part created to “nevertheless become part of our mass consciousness: social and political events that stand as touchstones of collective experiences” (Why Pop Culture Matters, pg. 3). Producing media that is representative of the shared struggles of certain identities can give strength and validation to the groups that experience these struggles. In turn, we are delivered more intersectional media from Blood Orange that can reach others which creates a cycle of art that further expands its outreach. 

Blood Orange - Sutphin Boulevard Music Video

The influence of drag performers continues to reach the song “Sutphin Boulevard”, the second track off of Coastal Grooves. The music video for this song features Dev Hynes being present at a drag bar as performers are shown intermittently throughout the video. This plays homage to the gay bars and the world of drag that Dev Hynes often visited as a younger man to go out dancing. This world of drag and gay bars was a supporting place that Dev could go to dance and express himself and his fluid identity. Fluidity in gender or sexuality is something that breaks apart the dichotomy that gender and sexuality exist as a binary, and “instead of arguing that homosexuality is the binary opposite of heterosexuality... all sexualities are merely points on a continuum of possibilities” (http://mediasmarts.ca/diversity-media/queer-representation/queer-representation-media). This idea that sexuality exists within a continuum is an idea that Blood Orange expresses through music, as he does not subscribe to strict labels when discussing his own sexuality. Blood Orange recalled the contrast of the life he had in London: “lying on the floor with a fucking broken nose and being stamped on, spat on, being called ‘faggot’ and thrown off buses,” but then being able to explore the gay bars in New York and be inspired by the drag scene as well as the performers found in the documentary Paris is Burning. Looking up to performers such as Octavia St. Laurent, Dev Hynes found that “looking and reading and seeing the wonderful work that these people have made is still inspiring to this day” (https://pitchfork.com/features/interview/9911-the-realest-out-a-conversation-with-blood-oranges-dev-hynes/). Sutphin Boulevard is a song that encaptures themes of being queer and performing drag and gender, and displays the inspiration and joy that can be found within these scenes. Blood Orange plays homage to these scenes, and the audience is able to admire the ways that drag can have a powerful influence on others. 

Blood Orange - Champagne Coast Music Video

The album closes with “Champagne Coast”, a lush song full of synths that blossoms as more samples and layers are added to the track. This progression builds the themes of desire and investment with the repeated plea “come into my bedroom”. Dev desires to be intimate with this person, but is willing to be vulnerable by allowing them to enter his personal space, his bedroom, and wants to understand them better. Dev asks this person of interest “Tell me, what's the joy of giving if you're never pleased?”, which contrasts the previously lustful offer and establishes a deeper relationship between the two. Dev continues with the request, “tell me what you need”, further complicating the relationship between the two as he inquires about who this person is. Champagne Coast is a track that thrives in its ambiguity. There is no gender assigned to Dev’s love interest, the person is mostly left without description. This ambiguity allows for the listener to place themselves into Dev Hynes’ perspective and relate to this story about sexuality, which creates a feeling that is universal to the listener. This track could be queer because it is left without specific detail. It is left up to interpretation, is left for the listener to relay their own experience to the track. In this way, the music is able to transcend a simple story and foster accessibility. It’s important to consider stories such as these which express fluidity because “popular culture both reflects current values and teaches them to us “ (Peele, pg. 2). The fluidity of Dev’s sexuality and gender expression thrive between the lines of this song and bloom into something that can be as simple or as complex as the listener wishes.

(”Freetown Sound” by Blood Orange)

Dev Hynes continues to explore themes of queer identity with his third album, Freetown Sound. In the song “Augustine”, Blood Orange considers how different aspects of identity have influenced his experiences, name-dropping Saint Augustine, Nontetha Nkwenkwe, and Trayvon Martin. This combination of references and ideas not only encapsulates the inner-workings of Dev Hynes’ mind, but also reflect the intersectionality that impacts how Dev Hynes interacts with the world. He considers his parents experiences with immigration with the opening lines, and then parallels their experiences with the experience of Saint Augustine, as he moved from Numidia to Rome. He recites the lines “See, Augustine / Late have I loved and chose to see / Skin on his skin / A warmth that I can feel with him”, which reference writings by Saint Augustine, yet fuses them with a queer standpoint that finds Blood Orange considering warmth from a man, “skin on skin”. With these lines, Dev Hynes is able to interlace many facets of identity such as sexuality, religion, and race within his songwriting. Blood Orange considers Christian influence he has felt in his life, his queer identity, and the immigrant experiences his family have faced. A key component of Blood Orange’s music is this consideration of identity and how these identities play into modern life and society.

Blood Orange - Domino Records

The conscious consideration of how identities such as race affect people within modern society is continued through the track “Hands Up”, which considers racial injustice and police brutality within America. The song builds from a standpoint that wishes to build compassion and understanding for the people who are affected by police brutality, with Dev Hynes asking “Are you okay? What's in your way?”. This is meant to contrast the dialogue that often follows the news coverage of police brutality, specifically towards people of color, which is often dictated by the demonization of the victim. Instead of asking questions that are meant to dehumanize a person and justify murder or assault, Blood Orange wants to shift the attention to the victim. Who were they, and are they okay? These are questions that need to be asked by the media in order to build empathy and humanize the people who are victimized by state-sanctioned violence. Devonté Hynes further considers racist structures that pervade society within the chorus, “keep your hood off when you're walking cause they,” which is cut off by the repetition “Hands up, get out”. This phrase alludes to the rallying cry “Hands Up, Don’t Shoot”, as well as the shooting of Trayvon Martin, an unarmed black teen who was wearing a hood when he was targeted by a neighborhood watch member who deemed Trayvon to be “suspicious”. Blood Orange is processing these moments in history as well as standing up for the people who were victimized. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Blood Orange stated that singles such as these are meant to “find strength in the realization of how dangerous it is out there... there are people that are pretty oblivious to what’s happening in the world” (http://www.ew.com/article/2016/06/27/dev-hynes-blood-orange-freetown-sound-interview/). Blood Orange is referencing the power music has to communicate political issues such as racism and police brutality. By communicating stories that show empathy, that have emotional appeal, you could spread a message that considers the victim first, that considers justice first. As music spreads, more people may consider the pathos that is presented throughout the song, and consider the weight of the words  “Don’t shoot!” that is chanted as the song closes.

Blood Orange - Crack Magazine (Photo by Emmanuel Olunkwa)

Blood Orange offers a unique perspective with the music he creates. Blood Orange creates music that presents queer perspectives, he is an artist that does not focus on labels. He is an artist that explores themes of sexuality, gender, race, religion, and he is a voice that needs to be listened to. He offers up his queer experiences, he expresses how his identities have shaped his life personally. The intersectionality and accessibility of Blood Orange’s lyrics represent a movement to create music that is able to represent groups that are not always heard within pop culture. There is a tendency for queerness within pop culture to not be intersectional and “lack discourse on race and class within the queer theoretical paradigm” (127https://queertheoryreadinggroup.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/22quare_22studies-2cor_almost_everythingiknowabo.pdf). Blood Orange considers his race, ethnicity, considers religious influence, considers his queer identity, and considers political movements within the lyrics of his songs, dissecting how these identities interplay within his life. At this time within history, it’s very important to consider the stories of all people. It’s important to be aware of what’s going on around us. This consciousness of events and tendency to question the systems in place that are contained by society is instrumental to creating the change that needs to be found within society, and can sometimes be found within the lyrics of a song.

Reference:

Peele, Thomas. Queer Popular Culture: Literature, Media, Film, and Television. Palgrave Macmillan, 2011.

“Why Pop Culture Matters.” Feminism and Pop Culture, by Andi Zeisler, Seal Press, 2008.

#QPOP2018 #Blood Orange #Coastal Grooves #Freetown Sound #Dev Hynes #queer pop analysis #queer pop culture

[zenosanalytic]

Discovery: What’s Past is Prologue

That was GREAT! This is Long :| :| :|

Ok, so this episode managed to be both a mile-a-minute, actioned-packed THRILLAGANZA and a This-is-why-we-love-Trek Federation Lovefest, which is Quite A Feat owo

For any new Dear, Dear Readers thinking about venturing below the Cut: Over time I’ve found that writing conventional reviews for fan-media usually leads to me producing 10k word dissertations on them, so I do bullet-point reviews instead, sticking to core-reactions. This is STILL almost 3k words though, so, just be aware: when I say something is Long I ain’t kidding :| :| Also my reaction to stuff like Trek tends to be much more Ecstatic that my TSoW review, so expect... Informality o_o o__o o___o

Ok, so Discovery’s Landry was Fed!Landry afterall.

Looks like the Terrans have some sort of Holographic camouflage? Maybe it’s just something Stamets worked out on his own, tho, given how the Terran Empire works.

So Lorca got to the Fediverse the same way Kirk originally arrived in the Mirrorverse! I wonder if that means Fed!Lorca was transported to the Mirrorverse and died? Lorca’s ultimate Mirrorverse-fate was never explained so it’s difficult to say.

This ep’s mutiny/innership fight easily ranks up there with the best from DS9 and Voyager(the only two series with genuinely interesting/exciting examples). The battle over this city-sized planet-killing spacewarpalace is well-paced, tense, and both tactically and emotionally satisfying ouo

It also makes good use of the Terrans. We get to see some examples of their more aggression-oriented tech(like interior defense turrets and the like), examples of how powerful individuals hoard tech to themselves ala Mirror!Kirk’s Tantalus Field(Georgiou’s secret emergency transport, her bracelet, and the Stamets-designed fungal-tech integrated into the ship. Though I kept hoping she’d deploy that murderdisk from last ep again; no joy :T), and some examples of major philosophies within their society(a warrior-ethic in Georgiou’s appreciation for Burnham’s plan and fighting-ability, and her willingness to die fighting to buy Burnham time and display the ideals of her social station near the end, and Lorca’s “Man of Destiny” nonsense throughout).

“...he preyed on my Sentiment, my Weakness for your Face; It will NOT happen again.” Mirror!Georgiou is just so deliciously campy uwu uwu I like how the showrunners chose to make melodrama one of the distinguishing characteristics of the Mirrorverse :> :> :>

...Was that a The Fountain pan when Stamets walked into the Mycelial garden? It LOOKED like a The Fountain pan.

Saru is such a good captain u_u

“...The Terrans are egotistical enough to believe they can replenish this resource before it collapses.” HMMMMM WHERE COULD THESE MIRRORVERSIAN HUMANS POSSIBLY HAVE GOTTEN THAT TRAIT FROM???? Tho, as far as they go, this is probably one of the subtler Global Warming/Carbon Economy analogies to ever pop up in SFF media.

“Make the Empire Glorious Again!” We all, of course, See What You Did There :| :| Though again: much less hamfisted that the usual “Make America Great Again” references media’s filled up with over the last year.

Anyone else notice the gigantic gold frieze of Georgiou over the Imperial Throne??

Saru: “I will Not Consider leaving you Behind.” SARU IS SUCH A GOOD CAPTAIN }:| }:|

It’s a small thing, but Lorca’s continued and varied use of psychology as a weapon and tool of manipulation, something which goes back to the beginning of the series and his use of that distress signal to “motivate” Discovery’s crew, continues to impress me with the showrunners concern for consistent characterization, and their understanding of how complex characters and stories can be built from reiterating simple concepts and character notes in different situations.

Destiny’s not a thing, of course, it’s a fallacy of ego to believe that 1)occurrences involving you are about you and 2)that, because they involve you, they were meant to happen and play out as they did. Fundamentally, it’s self-narration; a recontextualization that, simultaneously, places oneself as the author of one’s life(since you are deciding what it means) and apotheosizes one’s life(and thus oneself) by declaring that narrative the product of divine will. That Lorca’s primary dislike for Stamets seems to arise not from his betrayal but from his rationalist rejection of Fatalism tells you a lot about his narcissism, and how central it is to his worldview.

There’s an interesting metacommentary about how “grittiness” is treated as serious, masculine, and realistic while optimism is treated as frivolous, feminine, and fantastical begged by Lorca’s conversation with Burnham here, and his assertions that the Mirrorverse is “the real world” and the Fed a “failed social experiment”. It’s also a good reminder of his nature as a scientist, and says much of how he thinks and justifies his behavior, that he would choose scientific metaphor for denying the reality of the Fediverse(though obvsl he’d need SOME way to do it to keep himself motivated to return, given that he’s way too egotistical, and too chauvinistically Terran, to just accept that both are equally real).

It also reveals that he REALLY doesn’t understand Burnham at all. She’s a culturally Vulcan Human, for Pete’s Sake; how deluded do you have to be to think that this sort of essentialist argument about biological “Superiority” and sociogenetic Eugenical(“Social Darwinism” in common parlance but, given this thinking predated Darwin and his theory, and other things, I don’t like the term) rhapsodizing would appeal to her, when her whole existence disproves it?

“...that’s why we have duty to lead”? That seems like a bit of a non-sequitur, but I couldn’t get captions to work on this ep so I can’t say for sure that this is what he said. If it is, that’s a really twisted conception of “Duty”, to cast it as the driving concept behind species-segregation and Eugenic Hierarchy. Also, he really doesn’t understand why she did what she did at the battle of the binary stars, or what that fight was about. He seems to think 1)she caused the fight, and 2)it was a conflict about preserving Federation “cultural purity” from some kind of Klingon “corruption”.

Lorca’s comment about Burnham’s “gifts”… taken in hand with the last ep’s “someone better came along, you know how it is” comment, suggest Lorca is incapable of conceiving of people in non-instrumental terms, especially in a romantic context.

Burnham’s explication of the existentialism and affirmation at the heart of the Federation is Pure and Good u_u

Stamets: “We’ll have to use all our Spores. We won’t be able to jump back home” Ensign Rhys: “We’ll need to be close to make that shot |:T” The Federation! ^u^

Ensign Detmer: “I don’t think we can avoid the blast”, Cadet Tilly: “our shields can’t repel the blast and we’ll all die” Saru: shakes head and clicks: *Inspiring Motherfucking Shakespearean Goddamn Speech*[1] THE FEDERATION! THE FEDERAAATION!!!! PEOPLE LOOK IT IS THE FEH-EH-EHDERAH-AH-AH-TIONNN!!!!!!!! :’D :’‘D :’‘‘D

But Seriously, THIS is probably one of, if not The, best Star Trek Captain’s speech ever.

The speech, the action, the at-turns practical, sappy, and optimistic Fed dialogue, the explication of Federation ideals in the face of true danger, challenge, and Doubt: THIS ep is just such a summation of everything that makes people Love Star Trek.

That their writing staff is aware enough to give Burnham the line, “But know this: I’m offering you my Mind; nothing more.” when making her faux-offer to sacrifice herself for her crew is one of the many reason I love this series uwu uwu

As always, Science and Tilly saves the days! I like how simple the solution is, though it’d have been more believably Physicist of Stamets to say not “but not just an explosion” but rather, “but an explosion is a Shockwave!” Also: Trek ships do Quite a Bit of cosmic surfing, don’t they? This sort of thing’s been the solution to dire situations rather frequently o.o

The warp bubble technobabble is equally simple(as opposed to TNG’s frequent reliance on nonsensical verbiage), but I don’t like the solution they went with. A Warp Bubble Warps space. The Mycelial shockwave produces an energetic wave(an explosion) in space, but it also ripples through levels of subspace(including the mycelial network). So theoretically, the Warp Bubble could be attuned in such a way as to interact with these subspace waves in a fashion which would allow Discovery to “ride” them into and through the Network. That’s how I’d have written it, at least.

I’d also like to reiterate, yet again, how well Discovery has integrated respect for Tilly, a mere Cadet, into the Federation ethos. They’ve handled this way better than TNG did with Wesley.

Lorca: “I truly admire you all. You proved such Excellent Clay for my genius leadership” Like I said “Instrumental” >:T Such good, consistent characterization!

Also: Lorca: *Melodramatic Villain Speech* Saru: “Whatever, Napoleon, show me my crewman!” SUCH A GOOD CAPTAIN.

Also Also: Federation pragmatic optimism vs the gothic egotism of Terra

Saru yelling “FIRE!” was SOOOOOO Satisfying owo

Shit Fuck-Uping Commences

Trek-talk will inevitably focus on things other than combat because, philosophically, that’s not really what the show’s about or what draws most fans to it(see above), but Discovery really does have, hands down, the Best fight choreography I’ve ever seen in a Trek series, and most of the movies too. It probably helps that they have Actresses and Actors, like Michelle Yeoh and Jason Issacs, with substantive experience in stage-fighting, but everyone’s performance in these melees is just so excellent, and the flow of them is so fluid and sure, that it HAS to be their fight crew. Also: have I ever seen a mace and its use portrayed with reasonable accuracy in a screen fight before? No; but here’s Burnham, just absolutely TRASHING people with that scepter like a Goddamn Boss :> :> :>

Though there’s an obvs level of unreality to this: you clock someone anywhere around the head, neck, or shoulders with a steel mace and they ain’t keeping fighting you. They’re going Down; they’re DONE

Georgiou’s fighting here is just so brutal and clean. The way she just turns around and slashes that guy’s throat. Her meaty-stabs to that other guy’s gut. Her throw into Lorca’s shoulder. Her KICKING HER OWN KNIFE OUT OF THE AIR WHEN LORCA THROWS IT BACK!!! Magnificent u_u Beautiful u_u u_u Majestic u_u u_u u_u

Lorca Egotism Watch: Unceremoniously Cuts down Landry for having the gall to fight Burnham. Yup |:T |:T She just can’t catch a break, but that’s what you get for loyalty to a person who only sees other people as means to an end.

One particular thing I like about the choreography is how they allow Yeoh to use her smaller size and stabler center of gravity to her advantage. Having her roll, dodge, duck under Lorca’s slashes, use throws and grab, attack Lorca’s feet; such excellent choices, especially given industry standard which is to ignore physical differences and have everyone fight like they’re a 6ft+ muscular man.

The mutual face-punch was a nice injection of comedy into this fight sequence(always a good idea, I think, to give the audience a bit of release from tension). Looks like Lorca gets in one of the trophic Star Trek double-fist hammer strikes in at the end. An utterly useless attack irl, but it’s Star Trek and the Forms must be Honored u_u

Lorca: “Don’t make me have to kill you!” Burnham: “You Won’t.” Bad. ASS. Badass. It is a natural byproduct of Vulcan Logic that their dialogue be the Tightest Shit at all times u_u u_u

Burnham’s fight with Lorca is Astounding, but I don’t know enough about fight choreography to really talk about it. Wow it’s cool to watch, though.

“We would have helped you get home, if you had asked” THE FEDERATION!!!!!!!! And more than that; hell, without the war, they’d have probably helped you kick the crap out of the Terran Empire.

Georgiou running Lorca through was Extreme Satisfying owo owo

Looks like my theory of TylerVoq undermining Lorca’s plans is nixed. I’m not upset though, as there’s something satisfying in allowing plots to be separate, rather than tying them all together in one big resolution.

Burnham running out of cover to telesnatch Mirror!Georgiou out of the fight as she energizes THE FEDERATION! THE FEDERATI- Ok, you know my reaction to this stuf. THE IDEALS! THE IDEALS!! This raw concentration of Ideals and Sentiment will Physically Killing me isttg u_u u_u u_u

They tied the science part of the escape to the action of the shipboard fight so seamlessly, and continue the tension of those scenes into the escape so excellently! 

Another Little Thing that’s actually a Big Thing which I’m only now just noticing, probably because Oladejo(Ensign Owosekun) gets so much more screentime in this ep, is how good a job Discovery does at lighting and filming non-white skin and particularly dark skin, even when not a main character. I’m thinking of it particular in comparison to Agents of SHIELD which is absolutely atrocious on this point. At no point, even when they are in a dark area, or in red light, do Martin or Oladejo or any of the Black cast look washed out or obscured, as Henry Simmons almost always does as Mac even in some well-lit scenes. Just really excellent.

I REALLY HOPE that “Thanks Hugh” and aria isn’t the last of Culber. I continue to wish they’ll rez him, somehow. That was an objectively Romantic scene, though u_u

The ending revelation that they’re 9 months in the future and the Klingons have won the war is certainly surprising, but none of that’s official Fed history, so I’m pretty confident we’ll be seeing some time travel in the final eps. I’m a bit trepidation as to what Mirror!Discovery’s been up to since they’ve been gone <:[

[1]My Fast&Furious rendition of said speech: “Look I’m a coward from a species of cowards and I’m gonna tell you right now: I Ain’t Afraid. I might not know shit about shit, but I know this: you guys are Ride or Die. You’re the Best Motherfucking Crew of Motherfuckers a Motherfucker could ever Fuck Beside, and that’s For Real. That’s from the Heart. Lorca’s a POS, and he used the Power of our Shining Youthful Hearts to do some messed up bs, but we’re Family Y’all and this Ship: she’s OUR big metal space mama -Not his!- and today we’re gonna fly her like we just popped straight out her glowy anti-matter womb with a brace of .45s, a pack of Seagrams, and a surly temper. We got Shit to get Done, and we just ain’t goin down to his Triflin’-Ass Nonsense! So let’s fuck shit up! You have your Orders u_u”

#Star Trek #ST: Discovery #ST: Disc s1 e13 #What's Past is Prologue(Episode) #Discovery Spoilers #Gr8 Art #zA's Outside Viewing #TV Reviews #Reaction Posts #The Fast and the Furious

[the-astral-clocktower]

do all the questions !!

All the questions? Sure, why not? Insomnia is making me its bitch anyway1: How did you choose your name?- originally I was gonna go with Lilith from Borderlands 2 because yes please to her entire aesthetic, but I decided to go with the more "normal person" name Maria. Partly because of the lead singer of In This Moment, Maria Brink (absolutely gorgeous, phenomenal singer, and the Black Widow album helped inspire me to live true to myself), and Lady Maria from Bloodborne (she's got a Tragic Backstory, feel disconnected from family due to traditions/ environment, and has regrets about who sent was). All in all, one is a person I admire to be like and the other feels like I'm looking in a mirror. Both are also women with blonde hair and I think I look damn good as a blonde2: What gives you the most dysphoria? -Facial/ body hair3: Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?- Most of the time, physical dysphoria. Social dysphoria still gets to me because I'm not out to my family and everyone in that group refer to me with childhood nicknames/ my "(grand) son/ nephew." 4: What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?- Shower, shave, lie in bed and dissociate while playing mindless games on my phone 5: What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?- this is actually a hard one for me to answer. I was (in a weird/ sad reality) really sheltered as a kid, in the sense that I didn't even know transgender people were a thing until High School. I think part of it started when I began playing runescape in middle school; I chose a female avatar and went with a generic female name whenever someone in game asked for it. For some reason, I really enjoyed being addressed like that but chocked it up to being like 12. Similar thoughts came up again in HS when I was told on several occasions and by several people that I'd make a pretty girl; again, I took it as a compliment and it made me feel really good about myself. Other times were also when I was asked "what would you do if you suddenly woke up as a girl?" my answer was usually "go back to sleep and go try on cute clothes" and also being super jealous of girls at school dances (wanting to wear the gorgeous dresses/ heels/ makeup)6:When did you realize you were transgender?- January of 2014, when I had read on Tumblr about Leelah Alcorn. It was extremely depressing to read her letter and diary entries about her personal life; while reading everything, I kept realizing that I felt almost exactly the same way she did, and by extension that I was also trans7: What is your favorite part of being transgender?- just being able to feel comfortable in my own skin, and also getting to wear all the cute shit I wanted to in HS8: How would you explain your gender identity to others?- the people I have come out to, I simply as them not to use he/him pronouns because I outright don't identify as such. It's pretty simple9: How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?- at first, I only told people when we were able to talk 1 on 1. As I've gotten more comfortable with my identity, I gladly come out to people that I'm comfortable around. I still need to come out at work which I'm avoiding for 2 reasons. The first is that I don't know how open-minded/ accepting my coworkers/ boss are; the second being that I want to get on hormones so that there's no turning back on what I say and how I feel10: What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?- haven't done anything with breast forms yet, probably gonna be uncomfortable though 11: What are your experiences with binding or tucking?- tucking is a hassle in general. It either falls apart quickly, or I ended up sitting down or walking wrong and hurting myself. 12: Do you pass?- I highly doubt it atm13: What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?- optimally I want the full 9 yards. Hrt, permanent hair removal, SRS, and possibly feminizing facial surgery 14: How long have you been out?- I'd say close to 3 years15: What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?- only he/him and that's due to being oblivious for so long16: Have you ever experienced transphobia?- yes. A lot of internalized transphobia; but there have been a few times where someone will show me something they find funny, and it turns out to be in extremely poor taste17: What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?- I prefer gender neutral bathrooms, so I ended up holding it in for longer than I should18: How does your family feel about your trans identity?- don't know for sure, but probably gonna get disowned to some degree19: Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?- I don't plan on being 100% stealth, but I'm also not going to hide anything out of fear. Kinda like Don't Ask Don't Tell, I'll answer truthfully, but I won't go out of my way to explain it all20: What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?- "you know those weird thoughts to get from being addressed as a girl and the happy butterflies in your gut? Roll with it, tell someone that you want to see a Dr about it. Be prepared for a ton of BS, it'll be worth it in the end. Stay strong, kid"21: Why do you use the pronouns you use?- mix of "why should I be addressed by something that makes me feel like shit?" and "fuck off with this binary shit"22: Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?- maybe, I think my gender compounded the divergences that were already there 23: What’s your biggest trans-related fear?- safety. So many trans people are attacked and killed that it makes me hesitant to even bother. But I'm known for being stubborn and having a devil may care attitude 24: What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?- I've come out to 90% of my friends and I've got a therapist that's willing to write me a letter of recommendation to get me started on HRT. I'm currently looking for a DR in the North Tx area anyone knows one25: What do you wish cis people understood?- gender identity =/ sexual orientation 26: What impact has being trans affected your life?- it's made me rethink how I view issues in the world, but also more cynical 27: What do you do to validate yourself?- look at my ugly mug and the mirror after a hot shower and say "you're a boss and bitch, don't let up now"28: How do you feel about trans representation in media?- we need significantly more accurate portrayals29: Who is your favorite trans celebrity?- off the top of my head, I only know of Laverne Cox, so she's #1 by default 30: Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?- Leelah Acorn, the tragedy of her death allowed me to realize why I was so miserable for so long 31: How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?- not much, if at all. I'm not super big on communities but that's only due to trust and self image issues 32: How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?- hopefully full femme made and keeping NB/ trans femme33: What trans issue are you most passionate about?- my mind is 100% here ATM because it's 4am, so I can't think of anything other than wanting HRT to be more accessible to people instead of having to jump through hoops 34: What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?- safety first, pride in oneself second35: How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?- I personally don't think it does but that's only because I'm a white person in the 20s36: What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?- none at all37: Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?- fem/ neither 38: What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?- only interested in women and NB people. In my head, I like the theory of being with a guy, but feel no sexual attraction to them39: Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?- no preference40: How did/do you manage waiting to transition?- think to myself "next paycheck, I'm gonna find a Dr and get this train moving"41: What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?- google, tumblr and reddit42f Do you interact with other trans people IRL?- got a friend that I used to work with at pizza hit who's a trans guy. You know who you are ^.^43: Are you involved in any trans-related activism?- not really, but I do want to get involved

[mittensmorgul]

(1/?) Hey if I remember correctly, you were the one upset about the characterization Jensen ad-libbed in American Nightmare (the less than graceful journey over the railing) because Dean's this super-badass who can scale walls and beat up highly trained guards so he should be able to climb over a simple rail. I am here to try and help you see at least why I thought the characterization was fine, so maybe you will hate that part less. Okay, example one, when I was taking Calc 3 last year....

(2/?) we had this giant exam with all these complicated theories and terminology and honestly, most of what I learned is completely gone from my mind. But I remember going through this problem that took up a good page and when I finally got it back, I had gotten a couple points off because I had the wrong final answer. It turned out I had did everything right except for the fact that when I was doing some basic multiplication (3*3) and instead of saying the answer was 9, I legit wrote down 6...

(3/?) Another time I was playing tennis. I had been the game for 3 years now and I was on the top of the varsity team, and we were playing a simple game with some beginners, and one the beginner hits me the slowest/softest ball every created, even someone who's never picked up a racket should be able to hit it, but I miscalculated something along the way and completely missed the ball and my partner legit could not stop laughing at me the whole goddamn time...(4/?) Similar accidents have happened to me, where I am super skilled/trained at something and something little or trivial trips me up every once in a while. So I'm thinking Dean was the same way. Mr. Badass didn't wanna squeeze between the railing and trees like Sam(it was a tight fit) so he was like "I fuck with the devil on the daily, I can climb a fucking rail," and he tried, miscalculated something so simple and failed because that's what a lot of people tend to do....

(5/5) Anyway, I hoped this helped you understand my POV, because I completely understand why you would think it's out of character but for me, at least, I thought it was very human. If you are not the person who had a problem with it and I sent this to the completely wrong person.... well that's embarrassing... I guess you can add that to the list of example on this list. Anyway.... have an amazing day :)

Hey there! I... think this may have been sent to the wrong person, because I’m in no way “upset” with Jensen’s ridiculous fence scramble. I mean, I did make that post the other night that was 100% intended to be humorous, about questions I’d like to ask Jensen, and this was the last item on the list. The whole point of that post was that there’s SO MANY FUN QUESTIONS we could be asking the actors at cons that would allow them to give answers that would give us new insight into their characters by asking about recent canon, rather than putting them on the spot with impossible theoretical situations that they have no good answers for.

So, since you went to all the bother to explain why YOU can understand his acting choices there, that sort of defeats the point of wanting to know what made JENSEN choose to scramble over the fence that way.

(I’m sorry, but I can tell you’re probably young from the sorts of school-related comparisons you gave here, and I’m not trying to be mean or dismissive here. It’s just that this completely misses the point of my original post there, if that’s what you were trying to reply to here.)

I only put that specific item on the list because Jensen and Jared have talked about that particular scene at past cons, before the scene aired (I believe). They seemed to find it an entertaining topic of conversation. Just like Jensen talking about accidentally setting himself on fire filming the burning bible scene in 12.08. But the fence scene in 12.04 may have started as Jensen just being a goofball on set, but that’s the shot they decided to use in the episode, and a Big Deal was made of it.

So why did Dean, who we have MULTIPLE scenes over the years of him leaping “like a gazelle on the moon,” to quote myself from that original post, suddenly lose all grace?

We’ve speculated over it plenty amongst ourselves, which is great. I have reams of meta on that scene. WE know that Dean was “off his game” early in that episode. It’s framed as beginning within DAYS of Mary leaving the bunker in 12.03. He’s also just learned some unsettling news about Cas and his hunt for Lucifer, that Cas is working with Crowley and Lucifer is wearing Vince Vincente-- aka a washed up 80′s glam rocker that Dean was appalled by...

Obviously he was struggling with a lot of internal personal crap in that episode, lampshaded by his interactions with Beth the social worker lady and his texts to Mary. WE KNOW HE WASN’T DOING WELL, AND IT WAS AFFECTING HIS JUDGMENT AND PERFORMANCE.

In that sense, Dean scrambling over the fence was, as you said, PERFECTLY IN CHARACTER!!! I have never denied this. I am not in the least upset with his reaction here. He was distracted, upset over personal matters that the case that they were working on only seemed to drag closer to the surface rather than let him try and push down and ignore. It was incredibly well done, initially painting the MotW as THE SOCIAL WORKER INTENT ON UNCOVERING THOSE SORTS OF DEEP FAMILY TROUBLES, but in the end the monster WAS THE TOXIC AND SELF-ISOLATED FAMILY ITSELF!

I mean, I CAN SEE EXACTLY WHY IT WAS AN EXCELLENT ACTING CHOICE!

I just want to know if JENSEN sees it that way. I want to hear HIS reasoning for it. I want to hear him talk about it from “Dean’s POV,” as it were.

I just think hearing HIS answer to questions like this, questions that HE CAN ANSWER, questions that HE MIGHT ENJOY ANSWERING, and questions that might be FUN FOR AUDIENCES TO HEAR JENSEN TALK ABOUT, might lead to more actual insight into the character of Dean Winchester without Jensen feeling personally attacked, put on the spot, backed into a corner, or otherwise be unable to answer for whatever reason.

Not to mention, I don’t think there’s any potential to spawn weeks’ worth of inter-fandom squabbling and hate over asking questions along these lines.

That was the point of my post. It was supposed to be funny, and hopefully to make people think a little more carefully about the questions they put to the actors at cons.

There are definitely better ways to get the sort of character insight and open discussion that we would LOVE to have from Jensen, by avoiding subjects that we KNOW we’re never going to get a good answer on. It’s all a matter of what we ask, and how we ask it. Frankly, hearing his answer to questions like this will give us FAR more insight into what Jensen REALLY thinks matters to Dean, you know? Because just like Dean, if you ask a super-direct, ultra-personal, borderline accusatory question, he’s gonna clam up. Ask about something slightly silly but ultimately very deeply personally telling, and we might get a half-joking monologue, but damn it would be 10000% more insightful into how Dean thinks and feels than asking that pointed GOTCHA question.

The key is subtlety. That was my point.

(oh, and the fact that nobody should ever ask another goddamned prank question, because who the fuck cares anymore?)

#fandom problems #how to psych out dean winchester 101 #Anonymous

[truemedian]

Kotaku Reacts To Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Screenshot: NintendoTwo weeks have passed since Animal Crossing: New Horizons came out, and almost everyone on the Kotaku staff has poured themselves into trying to make our new desert islands feel like home. It’s been...a process—full of blood, sweat, and a lot of broken axes—and we have some thoughts about it.Hopefully by now you’ve read fellow staff writer Ian Walker’s excellent review of the game, but in addition, we wanted to share the opinions, reactions, personal tribulations, and success stories of others on the staff as we survive Tom Nook’s fascinating new time share scheme together.

“My shitty house”—Maddy MyersScreenshot: Nintendo Maddy MyersI do not play simulation games. I spend no time at all on character creators. I’ve never played an Animal Crossing game before. And yet, Animal Crossing: New Horizons has become a game that I play almost every single day.I’m not sure if I’m even enjoying it. But I do know that it’s fulfilling a hyper-specific need for me right now. As an introverted person who already works from home, I don’t get a lot of social interaction in my daily life, outside of spending time with my equally introverted girlfriend. Before covid-19 happened, I would get a lot of low-impact socializing done in a typical week by chatting with the cashier at the grocery store, or making small talk with the other people at my gym. All of that is gone now.Instead, I make small talk with Timmy and Tommy. I discuss exercise with Flip, the jock monkey villager who lives in my Animal Crossing town. And, of course, I decorate my crappy Animal Crossing apartment and I invite my real-life friends over to (virtually) see it, and then I apologize to them, because it looks even worse than my actual real-life apartment. Animal Crossing allows me to perfectly recreate all the awkward but somehow fulfilling social interactions that I used to have when society still functioned.Will I keep logging in to Animal Crossing every day after the covid-19 pandemic has passed us over? Probably not. But until then, it’s given me a chance to see what it is that other people enjoy about this genre. It’s also made me realize that I need to seriously work on my interior decorating skills.

Ian WalkerI only own two pairs of jeans in real life, but I’m rapidly running out of room for all the clothes I buy in Animal Crossing. Here are some of my outfits:Mike FaheyOn the day Animal Crossing: New Horizons launched, the 512-gigabyte micro SD card in my Switch died. Four days later, after my wife had started playing, her Switch suddenly stopped charging. While trying to get her Switch to work, my system, purchased mere weeks before the game’s launch, stopped outputting video. As I normally play in TV mode, that’s not great. I have a Switch Lite, but I ran it over with my wheelchair and cracked the screen.Nintendo’s warranty repair is down, so I have to wait until the world returns to normal to get any of these consoles repaired. With Nintendo supply down, it’s nearly impossible to buy a new Switch right now. So my wife went on eBay and purchased a refurbished Switch tablet for $250. That’s how much fun we’re having bonding over Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

I can’t play when she can’t play. It’s just too sad. I feel bad sharing items I get, clothing I wear, and bugs I collect with her. For the several days we got to play together, by which I mean in the same room, it was much easier to forget pressing real-world concerns for a little while.We stayed up late to harvest bells. We got up early to see what occurred on our islands as we slept. The chores we must perform on our islands are much more entertaining than the ones we must perform in real life. They are still chores, but they pass the time and make us happy.Bklurbbbb...Natalie DegraffinriedI’ve spent 105 hours playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons over the span of a couple weeks. I suppose I kind of like Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Or my OCD is back with a vengeance. I keep going to celebrations for inclines and bridges even though I’m tired of them, so it’s probably the OCD.

I didn’t think I could take the fine art of min-maxing to higher heights, but here I am in an endless cycle of Nook tickets, tarantula grinding, and organizing my inventory by item valuation. It’s all to fund my Able Sisters shopping problem, ultimately. I look fly as hell, though.

Min-maxing in Animal Crossing is not for the faint of heart, nor is it always a great way to play. It might be even harder to do now that the seasons have changed. Will that stop me? No. I’ll keep getting upgrades and obsessively trying to pay them off in the same day. Do what gives you peace, I say.Just don’t be a fucking goober like my friend.

Riley MacLeodNew Horizons is my first Animal Crossing—our editor-in-chief Stephen talked the game up so much I got really curious about it. I only actually started playing this week, so everything feels very slow—when I get the itch to do something, I keep wanting to switch to Stardew Valley, but I’m really charmed by how happy the NPCs are when you do the simplest tasks and how often everyone claps for you. I also really like that your character runs around with their arms out. I put face paint on my guy and I can’t figure out how to get it off, so he just has face paint now I guess.

Ari NotisThe short version: This is the most annoying game I’ve ever played.And here’s how I really feel: At every turn, this stupid game presents a somehow brand-new hassle: how Blathers has to assess your fossils before you can donate them; how the Nook twins stop you to say thanks before you leave their shop, and how they say everything in not-quite-tandem (WTF is up with that); how you can only eat one fruit at a time; how your shovel is always breaking, your ax is always breaking, your net is always breaking; how two players can’t shop from the same person at the same time in co-op; how it’s impossible to dig a hole where you want; and how every damn day, that damn raccoon monster wastes my time to tell me there’s nothing new going on. I know there’s nothing new going on! This is Animal Crossing! Nothing new ever happens! This game is supposed to be an escape? Please. It’s at best a shoddy Xerox of life’s daily headaches.

Luke PlunkettEveryone says this is the game the world needs right now, but the last thing I need is a second mortgage hanging over my head. At least this one’s on the beach.Heather AlexandraI’ve never played an Animal Crossing game before now. In some ways, I missed out on many Nintendo games as my focus shifted off the Nintendo 64 in favor of the PlayStation and especially the modding scenes of PC games like Half-Life. When I needed a fix for homes away from home, I played Harvest Moon. That led to Stardew Valley and long hours on a co-op farm with a former partner. I enjoy the quiet of village sims and farming games. I also struggle to find the time for them.I haven’t taken the biggest plunge into ACNH. I had to focus on Nioh 2, then Doom Eternal, then Resident Evil 3. So 20-minute sojourns to my island every day were a rare and delicious treat. I can’t compare New Horizons to the others in the series, but I can say that it is an incredibly cozy game during a time when coziness seems rare. Sometimes, a good day means little more than some new wallpaper for your room. In other cases, it’s figuring out where to put that memorial statue you found. Animal Crossing is simple, but that simplicity is why you play it. Planting a new tree, inviting a new animal friend to your island. Small things that don’t feel small at all.Now, if only that freako rabbit would get off my island already...

Where every month is hoagie fest. Screenshot: Nintendo Ethan GachEvery night I shake all the trees, pick all the weeds, and smack objects with my axes until all of them break. In the morning I sell the stuff, and the cycle repeats. Conversations with other villagers scroll past as I smash the A button so I can get back to work. I buy everything I can from Tom Nook like I’m filling out a Sears Catalog Pokédex. I pay off all the loans thanks to the million bells I earned from New Horizons’ week-one infinite item glitch and subsequently invested in the Turnip market. I donate the wood and iron needed to build new homes for new residents. I capture new bugs and fish for the betterment of science. And all the while I wait like Vladimir and Estragon for an epiphany that will help contextualize each individual mundane task and help them culminate into a larger story I can derive some deeper sense of meaning and purpose from.Instead I’m left with a list of things that more closely resembles a CVS receipt. I suspect that’s a problem with me and not the game.Nathan GraysonFor the past week, I’ve been meaning to play through Doom Eternal and finally, properly dive into Control. Instead, I have mostly played Animal Crossing.I don’t really like it? I respect the relaxed pace it’s trying to establish, but by forcing players to step to its beat with fussy mechanics and NPCs who needlessly repeat themselves all the time, it’s managed to annoy me just as often as it’s lulled me into a state of balmy island bliss. Also, I’m bad at interior design, so right now my house looks like World of Warcraft’s Molten Core raid if Ragnaros was a disorganized college freshman who had no idea what to do with his dorm.Oh, and all my neighbors suck. In previous Animals Crossing (correct plural) , that didn’t matter so much, because I enjoyed doing little chores for them and feeling like I was creating a sense of community even among characters with whom I didn’t see eye to eye. In New Horizons, though, it’s all about land development, which feels less personal. I don’t want KK Slider to show up because I optimized my town. I want him to play some tunes for my villagers and me because he’s a chill, cool dude.All that said, this game has given me one of the coolest in-game moments I’ve experienced since we all got trapped inside our houses. I wrote about this at length in another piece, but the other night, DJ and streamer Clarke “Grimecraft” Nordhauser threw an in-game rave, and I attended. Surrounded by the avatars of people I did not know and dancing along with awkwardly improvised moves, I felt the same mixture of fear and exhilaration I’ve felt at countless shows in real life. After I shook my nerves (read: drank a glass of wine), it turned into a relaxing, nice time where everybody mostly talked about how good the music was and how much they appreciated the whole thing. Sometimes, a vacation can be 90 percent unpleasant, but then years later, all you remember is a soothing day on the beach or a perfect sunset. Animal Crossing has some really nice sunsets.

“Me and my partner hanging out last night in AC”—Paul TamayoScreenshot: Nintendo Paul Tamayo I’ve already talked about how Animal Crossing: New Horizons couldn’t have come at a better time, but the ways it’s helping me keep in touch with friends by sending gifts in-game, getting help from my podcast listeners, and hopping on calls to visit each other’s islands has taken this game to another level for me. It’s also giving me the space to put care into my own island like it’s my own adorable bonsai tree. I get to care for it and improve upon it in a million different ways. My partner actually made the beautiful observation yesterday that even after island hopping through our friends’ islands, it really does feel good to return home to your own space. Read More Read the full article

[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of my life learning how to elicit male attention and cultivate male desire.

I started thinking about this recently when I had an important event coming up and my brain immediately informed me of the dozen or so steps I could take to show up for the event looking “maximally attractive” on the day of.

This is because years ago, I memorized the exact step-by-step plans required to maximize my hotness, whether I had 30 minutes, 24 hours, or 3 months… and I can never unlearn them.

I’m not kidding. My extensive knowledge of fitness and nutrition provided me with exact protocols for looking how I wanted to on any given day, plus I learned through extensive trial-and-error how to do the same for my face, hair, skin, clothes, and body language.

For well over a decade of my life, everything revolved around how to look as good as possible, and by that I really mean: how to cultivate as much male attention and desire as possible.

I committed countless hours of research, observation, practice, and analysis to the business of being sexually desirable to men.

You might not know this if you’ve never done this research (and for your sake, I sincerely hope you haven’t), but being sexually desirable is a fuck-ton of work.

There are teeth to be whitened, hair to be blown out, nails to be painted, skin to be exfoliated and moisturized, cheekbones to be contoured, eyelashes to be extended, smiles to be rehearsed, and invisibly flirtatious body language to be mastered.

Starting as a pre-teen, I consciously dedicated myself to this business. I was smart, funny, and talented, but who cares? Anyone can be those things, I though. I wanted to be HOT.

It’s important to note that this wasn’t about capturing the attention of someone I liked, it was about capturing as much male attention as possible. Why? Because it was very clear to me that THIS is the path to power as a woman.

After all, straight men hold all the social power, and straight men bestow their attention on desirable women. The most desirable of those women are then put in a position of controlling these men— of making them beg, or making them do whatever we want.

Men control the world, and if a woman is desirable enough, she can control men. This is simple syllogism, folks: If A controls B and B controls C, then A controls C.

By the time I was 11 years old, I aspired not to be a mother or wife, but a fucking vixen. A Bombshell. A seductress. I aspired to be powerful.

I understood that as a woman, I was in direct competition with other women for the coveted attention of straight men, and that in order to achieve greatness I must prove that I am “better than” other women by being more attractive, more easy-going, and more “ideal” to men in every way.

I am nothing if not driven to succeed.

I dedicated myself to the path, becoming an expert at eliciting male sexual desire, attention, and approval. I learned how to suck my belly in and subtly arch my back, all while maintaining a facial expression that suggested I was happy and relaxed.

I learned how to mirror a man’s body language and cues to make him validated and understood, how to turn “on” my most dazzling charm at will, and how to drop hints into conversation about things like loving blow-jobs.

I learned how to recognize when a man was admiring me, and to aim my body language toward him from across the room; how to laugh and toss my hair to appear carefree, how to pop my hip and arm to draw attention to my body.

I learned how to notice and track a man’s sexual arousal as we chatted, and how to make him feel like the most interesting person on earth.

I still know how to do all these things.

After spending years performing hotness in exchange for male attention, I’m still unlearning how to do it.

Despite the fact that I rejected this whole performance years ago, I still sometimes catch myself sucking my stomach in, and have to consciously relax it, or catch myself performing “carefree” because I know someone is watching me.

The unlearning process has been as purposeful and dedicated as the learning process was.

One by one, I’ve committed to examining and rejecting each habit of performance, in order to break free from the idea that I have to be desirable in order to be worthy or powerful.

I’ve shaved my head, given up makeup and nail polish, relaxed my belly, learned how to be authentic in my interactions with men, and worked really fucking hard to let go of the need be “better” than other women in any way. (Trust me, this is harder than it sounds when you’ve been fed lies about how the ultimate compliment is “you’re not like other girls.”)

I’ve had to undo years of habitual body monitoring, performing, and spectatoring, and re-learn how to feel myself from the inside instead of watching myself from the outside.

Sometimes I wonder…. what isn’t there in my head because I spent so long on the labor of desirability? What could I have pursued with that same time, energy, and passion, if I thought it would have gotten me what I wanted?

French? Carpentry? Slam poetry?

For what is worth, if any of this resonates with you and you’re feeling embarrassed or angry at all those wasted hours, I think it’s important that we recognize that we didn’t invent this drive for female power through desirability.

This shit is a LEGACY, passed down by our grandmothers, and our grandmother’s grandmothers, from bygone eras in which the only way a woman was ever going to have power of any kind was either to be beautiful enough to be chosen by a man who would provide for and protect her as his wife, or to be desirable enough that he provided and protected her via money in exchange for sex.

A woman in the not-too-distant-past wasn’t allowed to own land, or have her own money, or do basically anything without a man agreeing or doing it for her. So the legacy of female power is seduction, performance, manipulation, being desirable, all in service of ultimately getting a man to do what we want– because that was our only option.

This isn’t new. I am a product of my generation, a child of parents who were a product of their generation, and so on.

Luckily, I live in an era and country in which I am technically allowed to have an enormous amount of authentic power, and to exert my force of will with regard to my finances, business, career, relationships, reproductive rights (…) and more.

I’m grateful to live in a time where we get to examine the fact that women’s lives are being sacrificed to the patriarchy. I’m grateful to be able to discuss how so many female lives are wasted in pursuit of beauty, perfection, and desirability… and what it means that we learn to spend our lives in service of male desire, instead of pursuing our own.

Love and fucking fire, <3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2ICLQjp

#{TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire.

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire.

I have spent an extraordinary amount of my life learning how to elicit male attention and cultivate male desire.

I started thinking about this recently when I had an important event coming up and my brain immediately informed me of the dozen or so steps I could take to show up for the event looking “maximally attractive” on the day of.

This is because years ago, I memorized the exact step-by-step plans required to maximize my hotness, whether I had 30 minutes, 24 hours, or 3 months… and I can never unlearn them.

I’m not kidding. My extensive knowledge of fitness and nutrition provided me with exact protocols for looking how I wanted to on any given day, plus I learned through extensive trial-and-error how to do the same for my face, hair, skin, clothes, and body language.

For well over a decade of my life, everything revolved around how to look as good as possible, and by that I really mean: how to cultivate as much male attention and desire as possible.

I committed countless hours of research, observation, practice, and analysis to the business of being sexually desirable to men.

You might not know this if you’ve never done this research (and for your sake, I sincerely hope you haven’t), but being sexually desirable is a fuck-ton of work.

There are teeth to be whitened, hair to be blown out, nails to be painted, skin to be exfoliated and moisturized, cheekbones to be contoured, eyelashes to be extended, smiles to be rehearsed, and invisibly flirtatious body language to be mastered.

Starting as a pre-teen, I consciously dedicated myself to this business. I was smart, funny, and talented, but who cares? Anyone can be those things, I though. I wanted to be HOT.

It’s important to note that this wasn’t about capturing the attention of someone I liked, it was about capturing as much male attention as possible. Why? Because it was very clear to me that THIS is the path to power as a woman.

After all, straight men hold all the social power, and straight men bestow their attention on desirable women. The most desirable of those women are then put in a position of controlling these men— of making them beg, or making them do whatever we want.

Men control the world, and if a woman is desirable enough, she can control men. This is simple syllogism, folks: If A controls B and B controls C, then A controls C.

By the time I was 11 years old, I aspired not to be a mother or wife, but a fucking vixen. A Bombshell. A seductress. I aspired to be powerful.

I understood that as a woman, I was in direct competition with other women for the coveted attention of straight men, and that in order to achieve greatness I must prove that I am “better than” other women by being more attractive, more easy-going, and more “ideal” to men in every way.

I am nothing if not driven to succeed.

I dedicated myself to the path, becoming an expert at eliciting male sexual desire, attention, and approval. I learned how to suck my belly in and subtly arch my back, all while maintaining a facial expression that suggested I was happy and relaxed.

I learned how to mirror a man’s body language and cues to make him validated and understood, how to turn “on” my most dazzling charm at will, and how to drop hints into conversation about things like loving blow-jobs.

I learned how to recognize when a man was admiring me, and to aim my body language toward him from across the room; how to laugh and toss my hair to appear carefree, how to pop my hip and arm to draw attention to my body.

I learned how to notice and track a man’s sexual arousal as we chatted, and how to make him feel like the most interesting person on earth.

I still know how to do all these things.

After spending years performing hotness in exchange for male attention, I’m still unlearning how to do it.

Despite the fact that I rejected this whole performance years ago, I still sometimes catch myself sucking my stomach in, and have to consciously relax it, or catch myself performing “carefree” because I know someone is watching me.

The unlearning process has been as purposeful and dedicated as the learning process was.

One by one, I’ve committed to examining and rejecting each habit of performance, in order to break free from the idea that I have to be desirable in order to be worthy or powerful.

I’ve shaved my head, given up makeup and nail polish, relaxed my belly, learned how to be authentic in my interactions with men, and worked really fucking hard to let go of the need be “better” than other women in any way. (Trust me, this is harder than it sounds when you’ve been fed lies about how the ultimate compliment is “you’re not like other girls.”)

I’ve had to undo years of habitual body monitoring, performing, and spectatoring, and re-learn how to feel myself from the inside instead of watching myself from the outside.

Sometimes I wonder…. what isn’t there in my head because I spent so long on the labor of desirability? What could I have pursued with that same time, energy, and passion, if I thought it would have gotten me what I wanted?

French? Carpentry? Slam poetry?

For what is worth, if any of this resonates with you and you’re feeling embarrassed or angry at all those wasted hours, I think it’s important that we recognize that we didn’t invent this drive for female power through desirability.

This shit is a LEGACY, passed down by our grandmothers, and our grandmother’s grandmothers, from bygone eras in which the only way a woman was ever going to have power of any kind was either to be beautiful enough to be chosen by a man who would provide for and protect her as his wife, or to be desirable enough that he provided and protected her via money in exchange for sex.

A woman in the not-too-distant-past wasn’t allowed to own land, or have her own money, or do basically anything without a man agreeing or doing it for her. So the legacy of female power is seduction, performance, manipulation, being desirable, all in service of ultimately getting a man to do what we want– because that was our only option.

This isn’t new. I am a product of my generation, a child of parents who were a product of their generation, and so on.

Luckily, I live in an era and country in which I am technically allowed to have an enormous amount of authentic power, and to exert my force of will with regard to my finances, business, career, relationships, reproductive rights (…) and more.

I’m grateful to live in a time where we get to examine the fact that women’s lives are being sacrificed to the patriarchy. I’m grateful to be able to discuss how so many female lives are wasted in pursuit of beauty, perfection, and desirability… and what it means that we learn to spend our lives in service of male desire, instead of pursuing our own.

Love and fucking fire, <3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire. appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2ICLQjp

#{TransparentTuesday} Eliciting Male Desire.