#but at the same time i cant bc school is back.

[poofbark]

my laptop is finally fixed. celebratory bakudekuposting

#its based on this one image i have of L and light on my phone ppl were redrawing it with their ships on twt #I CAN FINALLY DRAW AGAINNNN #but at the same time i cant bc school is back. #im so sorry this is messy. i have an actual bkdk drawing in the works anyway #bkdk #bakudeku #bakudeku fanart #bkdk fanart #mha #bnha #mha fanart #bnha fanart #deku #izuku midoriya #katsuki bakugou #my autism academia... #poof art

[lotus-pear]

i think you guys are onto smth..

i unironically got invested in this HELP

#WHERES THE FIC AT IF SOMEONE WRITES THIS I WILL PAY THEM A HUNDRED DOLLARS😭😭 #kunikida serving the country while dazai's serving cunt😔 #dazai was born to malewife but forced to manipulate and i think that's the greatest tragedy of bsd #anyway some facts i would like to share abt this au thay i came up w while drawing!! #takes place in 1939 (start of wwii) and there was a mandatory draft that required one male over eighteen from each house to serve #both of them are still twenty two and had been engaged for abt two years before getting married that year #newlyweds! unfortunately kuni had to go fight and they were seperated :( #before the war kunikida was a math teacher at the local high school and dazai obviously managed the household and didn't work #he's hopeless at cooking and meal prep even w recipie books so they either get those prepackaged meals or kuni makes dinner when he gets ba #so like when he's making lunch for kunikida he normally just packs a basic sandwich w raw fruit #kunikida always appreciates the effort even tho hes probably sick of having the same thing everyday but he won't complain abt it #when kunikida joined the army he was relieved that the mess hall had better food than dazai #he was the only one in his platoon that never complained abt the food so his fellow soldiers assumed it was bc he came from a tough bg #when in reality he was just used to being poisoned on a daily basis from his dumbass husbands cooking and was hardly fazed from army ration #they write to each other although its more dazai sending and kuni receiving bc hes off fighting and doesnt have time to write back #dazai talks abt life on the homefront and how he has to grow a victory garden (everything is DYING HE CANT EVEN RAISE TOMATOES) #and kuni writes abt his fellow soldiers and how the war is going and when he thinks he'll be home and how he misses sleeping in a bed #ANYWAY yea thought i'd share sry for infodumping in the tags again #this post is for like the four ppl that care abt this specific flavor of knkdz so hopefully this gets four notes at least #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #kunikida doppo #doppo kunikida #kunikidazai #knkdz #lotus draws #bro sry for posting at two in the morning i couldnt sleep until i got this out of my head they have infested my brain

[bangcakes]

.

#personal #im like so happy rn. but also terrified #bc like. uh. gotta go back to the real world of having a job after bein in school for 3 years DNDNJDNDNDNDN #and also like. my boy problem. like NDJFJDJDJJDJDJDJD #big transitions oml #i can only do 1 thing at once and like so sorry to me but the job search thing is kinda taking a back seat NFNDDJFN #OH I HATE TO SAY IT. AS LIKE. A USUALLY CAREER DRIVEN PERSON BUT.................. #JDJDJDJDJDJDDDJDNDNDNDNDND I CANT EVEN SAY IT............ #but rn ya. my priorities.... im ashamed NDNNDNDNDNDNDNDNDNNDDNDND #but.... HHHHHHHHHHH its the more fun thing so !!!!!!!!! #but gah..... i also am like takin a break bc its like christmas n who the fuck is looking to hire rn lmao #the time between xmas n new years isnt real so !!!! #and also !!! i think i deserve a break after 4 months of non stop work !!!!!!!!!! #also like the faster i resolve my boy problem the easier itll be to focus #on job searching ????? #or like god i guess i could do both. my mom keeps being like.... youre both looking for jobs... why dont you ask him to do it together NDN #um.... 1. hes my competition LMAO. we literally had the same gpa down to the decimal #(tho this may no longer be the case bc we got our grades for the semester n mine went up. idk the state of his. would be fuckin funny if it #was still the same tho JDJDJFJDJ) #and 2..... LOL ID RATHER DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIM........ #god idk where this post is going. but 1. i wished him merry christmas and he answered back with a 'merry christmas 😄' which !!!@@@ #from a reserved/grumpyish guy...... im just kind of like NDNNDNDNDNDND IDK. IDKKKKK. LIKE IM HAPPY ???? BUT IM ALSO LIKE FREAKED OUT ?????? #i dont think i'll be able to deal if he actually likes me back #and 2. i like have a draft message of like. asking him to hang out JJDJDJDNDNDM #if youve been following these posts.. maybe u remember me askin him if he wants to keep in touch with me n our mutual friend and he said #he would. so that friend is like. going away for a month and like ok lets be real. if i have to wait until feb to see him i'll um Die JDJJD #so i have a message planned. IDK WHEN IM GONNA SEND IT. BUT IT WILLLL GET SENT. I JUST.... HHHHHHH I HAVE TO GET THE NERVE.... #but .... ya idk i hope he says yes but i'll also get if he says no. may be awks just the two of us. maybe we're not ready LMAO IDK. ive bee #alone with him maybe like. 30 mins max. and like the convo keeps going but there are pauses. IDK. maybe i should stop thinking and go to be

[memorys-skyscraper]

the scene in yakuza 5 where shinada and milky dance on the roof talking about how they should run away and start over in a new town with new jobs and new lives, only for milky to abruptly stop and let shinada go when she gets called back downstairs to work, while shinada is sent stumbling by suddenly being let go until he too comes to a stop, burns a hole in my brain

#rambles #yakuza #yakuza liveblogging #like man. MAN. that shit hits home #milky saying 'i wanna be a teacher this time- that was my dream as a kid!' #and shinada replying 'you can! nothings stopping you! you can start over!' with a tone that borders on hysterical #he's so desperate to believe it's possible because in that moment he can see it- he sees his way out #for a moment he's blind to all the things that have kept him from doing exactly what he's proposing every other time he's considered it #hes trapped in a glass house- he can see freedom but knows he cant reach it. but for a moment he lets himself forget the glass is there #but milky doesnt. she thinks hes being cute and plays along but as soon as she lets him go the music cuts and the moment is gone. #reality comes crashing back down- they're not going anywhere. #and i mean. idk if this is a common/universal experience but ive had many a late night where ive done exactly the same thing #fantasized about quitting my job/going back to school/finding some means of self employment/moving somewhere totally new #and ive had those fleeting moments where i could see it- i could see how i could make it work #or i could see that there's nothing *physically* stopping me from doing any of those things #and if i could just sum up enough courage i could do anything i wanted with my life #but then i wake up the next day and that vision is gone. #i cant see outside the glass house anymore- i can only see the reflection of the inside. #tl;dr i should revisit y5- the writers were cooking and i didnt take enough time to savor it #(esp not the shinada section bc i hated his combat style lol)

[homingpigecns]

this is like a sadgirl pathetic post but this guy i met recently at work was like, very direct and polite in being interested in me and i've been feeling him out bc i literally do not know him well enough to have an opinion but i can't like. he is so normal and nice. hes like a nice normal guy. every time i text him he doesn't say anything weird and he's extremely nice. what the hell. he's literally so nice. WHY. does he like. me???? like what's wrong with him that he specifically is interested in me????

#this is not even a low self esteem thing but shdhsbdhsdh every girl in the world is so pretty . me??? why????? #literally the day i met him & he asked me out i barely spoke to him was mind numbingly stupid and crawled on the floor on multiple occasion #i cant text this guy bc every time i have to answer im like. this guy is so fucking normal. me??? hes interested in me???? WHY???? #everyome i try to convey this to is like :// aww he thinks ur cute. stop overthinking. WHATS WRONG WITH HIM #he specifically asked me out by asking the relief nurse what my name was and she offered to give him my number if i was ok w it #I WAS AT WORK..... I JUST SAID YES...... and i was like ok this probably will not go anywhere. he probably wont even text me #he texted me while i was commuting home literally he was still doing cases........ #did i mention i was digging through garbage. literally he was like sorry the surgeon yelled at u she gets so flustered and ir was like no #she yelled at me bc im stupid. did u not notice that im stupid. this guy -- NORMAL -- literally saw me at my lowest and asked me out...... #brandon oscillates #brandon what abt the guy at work u had a thing for I KNOW. im so torn however sjsbdbdhdbbx we are like actually coworkers #this guy if i see him every now and then in passing occasionally in the same room. that guy is my coworker for real #it cant happen. also dbxshsdhshdhe he has a 9 yr old hes too old for me. idk his relationship status but i dont think hes married. #also hes out of my league. also my other coworker told me he thinks hes gay but that hes closeted but that coworker is filipino so #mildly homophobic. i also told him to never tell anyone else that. i dont think hes gay. whatever. #i will miss my impossible crush as my hobby but this guy is nice and ahdhs its psychopathic to give him my number and then reject his date #can u imagine #whatever. im doing high school now i guess. the relief nurse is sooo proud of herself #shdbbd literally when i came back from lunch that day my scrub was like THE DOCTOR LIKES U!!! #and i was lkke omg really??? she doesnt think im stupid???? but it was this guy. and she did still think i was stupid #u know i have concert tickets for next thursday but shdhsd i literally have had too many experiences this year #i am trying to sell tgem #personal

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno? #it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

[theygender]

My gf and I have talked about hypothetically opening up our relationship at some point in the future which would make me very happy as a polyamorous person, but I just realized that if that actually happens and I have to go back out on the dating scene I'm gonna have some trouble bc now that I'm more outwardly butch people are gonna expect me to make the first move and I have never made a first move in my entire life

In all of my relationships but two the first move was made by the other person, and I wasn't even the person who made the first move in the other two. In the first one the girl chickened out on her plans to ask me out and then our mutual friend who didn't realize that that had happened outed her by asking me what I said afterwards, and in the second one me and the other person both went to the same friend on the same day to talk about our crushes on each other and then she made us talk about our feelings

I met my current girlfriend on a dating app, and the first time she tried to ask me on a date she wanted to take me to the theater so she asked me if I had seen the new beauty & the beast movie and then instead of realizing that she was asking me on a date I said that I'd already seen it and gave her a negative review of the movie. And then when she asked me on a date again a few weeks later I had to ask to make sure it was a date when I got there 😭

...And that reminds me of another event in high school where a girl I liked took me to the mall and we walked around holding hands the entire time and then afterwards I had to get one of our mutual friends to ask her if it was supposed to be a date bc I was too nervous and also stupid 😭 Another girl that year asked me to skip class with her and told me that if I flashed my pretty smile at the teacher I could probably get away with it and I had to show the text to my friend to ask if she was flirting. I'm gonna die out there on my own 😭

#rambling #the friend i showed the message to was the same one i made ask the other girl if it was a date #and he didnt even answer he just raised his eyebrow and stared at me like 'really?' #god im just. remembering how stupid i was in high school now #there were two other crushes that i had who may have potentially liked me back and i may have even been told that by multiple people #but i was so deep in my self hatred and also stupid that i didnt think it was possible for them or anyone else to like me 😭 #they both were friends of mine and they eventually stopped talking to me completely and i couldnt figure out why #and now i hope its not bc they they thought i was leading them on. bc i wasnt. i was just a massive idiot #you have to explicitly tell me that youre interested in me or want to go on a date or whatever or im not gonna get it #and tbh. that didnt even always work #my first major crush in high school was on a girl who told me directly multiple times that she was into me #but i was even DEEPER in my self hatred at that time #(and also only just figuring out how social interaction worked bc she was helping my autistic ass learn) #so i just. assumed it was a joke. bc no one could have possibly been interested in me and definitely not such an amazing person #i guess at least i have a scrap of self confidence now and im brave enough to ask for clarification now #and if i specifically ask someone on a date at least i would know for sure its a date? #and it could either be lame or cute but i could ask for permission to kiss them. it worked for my gf #i cant interpret signals for shit 😭 #i dont even have a valid reason to be thinking about this right now lol its not like i have permission to date anyone else romantically yet #but ive been watching clone high with my gf and abe keeps misinterpreting joan directly saying that she wants him in increasingly dumb ways #and i just keep cringing bc i realized that that was me ahdjsksl.... #only difference is in my case it was never bc i was ignoring them for someone else. it was ALWAYS bc i was an idiot #literally i would be there pining for them and every attempt they made would go right over my head #you have to be morosexual and very persistent to date me 😭 or tell a mutual friend whos very persistent ig lol #i know we are All useless lesbians but i think i deserve a medal or smth #ill hang it on my corkboard next to the souvenir that one of my crushes who i didnt think liked me back got for me in high school #which was a plastic license plate that said 'babygirl' on it bc that was her nickname for me 😅 #god i really hope people didnt think i was leading them on. imagine someone thinking im a player flirting with a bunch of different girls #without ever making things official. when really if i found out for certain any of them were interested in me i would have died of shock 😭 #and if we WERE in fact flirting i wouldnt have realized it. i was just SO scared and SO stupid 😭😭😭

[soldier-poet-king]

Been haunted recently by a series of dreams where I reconnect with childhood/teen crushes and we become friends again and go from there and I'm just???? Why has this happened multiple times lately, esp with someone who I fairly certain is still single and was perhaps the kindest person I ever knew and tbh would still marry in a heartbeat and like. There is an Event Tomorrow that I already didn't want to go to but now I'm FOR SURE not going just to avoid the likelihood of running into them and all the mixed up bad complicated feelings it would cause. I will simply stay home in the basement and pretend I am not in the Agonies

#why is being in ur late 20s moving back to ur childhood home #the neighborhood that no one else ever left #and being there and being the only person to have left and returned #why is it literally the worst thing in the world #franposting #idk whats wrong with my sleeping brain bc bitch i dont want this. #even if it were possible. i cant extricate my affection for (redacted) from my tangled up mess #of a friend group from that time. theyre all still friends! that i havent spoken to in 7 yrs!! i cant do this #and yet i still think of G with fondness and love. i hope he is well #and i found out recently that M did have a crush on me in middle school #which is WILD bc i was an extremely ugly annoying kid #and he was popular and a hockey player #and we were tenuously in the same friend group. but on opposite ends #with the pretty white girls as mutual friends #we did at one point work at the same camp #i found this out tho bc my mother ran into his mother and she was asking after mr #me* and was like oh hows fran? M had such a crush on her #and im????? HELLO???? #anyway. i want to stop thinking about romance but the brain demons have decided to plague every sleeping moment #with reunions and reconnections ill never have #and yet its like. you should message G. see what hes up to. if hes single #ik he went back to school his brother posted abt it #but his brother is popular and married and social (even i briefly had feelings for him) #but G was more awkward less conventionally pretty. but kinder. more lovely to me in every way #ugh ugh ugh ugh #weve run the gamut of my few longstanding crushes til age 18 #whats next? the one serious crush i had on that coworker a few summers back?? #oh she was perfect. lovely in every way imaginable and such a dear friend that year

[malkaviian]

random oc facts, of the "they have problems" flavor

#oc talk #1- luca developed claustrophobia from the time he was locked in the school's bathroom by her bullies #2- chase got his depression from his mom; who also has it; except she goes to therapy and has meds so its now somewhat controlled #he was quite the spoiled kid by both his parents but his mom was the one who would always agree with him and give him everything #even if he was in the wrong and the worst piece of shit he could be. she felt guilty about him getting clinical depression for 'her fault' #so she wanted to 'compensate him' for 'ruining his life'. he was still pretty harsh with both of them so. #one day he told her to kill herself and go to hell over a minor thing; that same night he went to see finnley #so he never knew his mom actually tried to kill herself if thats what he wanted. his dad was kinda bitter for a few days #but eventually forgave him. and as i said none of them told him anything so he never knew. #3- maverick still gets nervous when he sees cops or hears police sirens - hes always on the edge #whether theyre going to actually arrest him some day. he doesnt know if zachary's body was ever found as he avoided tv for that reason #like he hid it in an abandoned house. it was a horrible hiding place but it was the closest he had and he was panicking with a dead body #so its not like he could do the smartest things in that state. also of course he left his dna everywhere- finding him would be really easy #but it never happened since zachary came back before anyone noticed his disappearance. and with a new appearance #its was like the old zachary people knew just stopped existing entirely. you cant do a murder case without a body #so it was just labeled as a sudden disappearance. however mav is paranoid over it when in his non-empty state #and when hes empty hes so focused in finding someone new to obsess over he stops caring- maybe he could even find someone on prison! #4- rafael doesnt talks to his family due to charlotte manipulating him into believing theyre all horrible people who hate her #and in fact they hate her! mostly his sister. they hate what she did to their son/brother but hes so blind and easy to manipulate #they stopped trying to knock some common sense into him. his sister was afraid this would happen eventually bc he was always gullible #SPECIALLY when hes in love. and well guess what happened!! #5- on the topic of charlotte; she has both tried to kill herself AND kill someone. well; her 'suicide attempt' was more likely #wanted to get hospitalized but not *actually* ending her life. in her mind that would make her parents notice how much they hurt her #with their 'favoritism' towards raven. girl they literally never had a favoritism YOU are the one who think so!!! #she never got what she wanted though-- she ended up vomiting the pills and suddenly got too embarrassed to talk about it #and guess who she wanted to kill? exactly; raven! they would sometimes see each other on family reunions and it was weird #she bought anti-freezer and brought it to a reunion-- she has been on a barista course so technically no one would think anything #if she made drinks for everyone. but raven was just so insistent on seeing the process-- due to actual curiosity-- that she couldnt do it #so she came home with an anti-freezer and incredible frustrated lmao. she was 17 though so its not like it was thoroughly planned #but you know. the intention was there.

[ifievertoldyou]

guys, i think... i think that i don't handle change very well 🤯🤯 (/s)

#actually autistic #we're on day 2 of virtual school and i've already had so many meltdowns... #this is such a big change and my teachers just expect me to still function??!? how??? #(i had this same problem during lockdown) #praying that we go back to normal soon bc i cant take this #personal #vent #possibly #idk tagging to be safe #times like these always remind me just how much i Need routines. it's been so hard to do anything all without being prompted by a bell #idk man this sucks

[mochapanda]

i think if i dont get a new job soon i am going to kill myself

#like im making absolute dirt shit money i cant save up even w/ over time and ive been fucking my health into the ground #to the point where im on MEDS for STRESS to cure my fucking STOMACH PROBLEMS #like. i cant digest food bc of STRESS. that is fucking insane i make minimum wage #i just need a normal 9 to 5 with weekends off how does every other adult manage that do those even exist anymore #where are all these $20/hr jobs old people complain about i dont see them #like i cant go back to school bc its awful and people are awful but work is so much worse #the assistant manager came into my twitch chat to talk about work how did i even get in that situation. #why would anyone think thats acceptable or okay #why does a 40 y/o man think im his best friend kill me kill me right now i am in hell #every day is just so fucking uncomfortable and disgusting my customers are disgusting and creepy #i am a fucking 20 year old get the fuck away from me #why cant i just be like a bank teller or smth and make enough money to move out of this god forsaken state in like a year #i dont even have my own life i have so much stuff and never do anything with it bc im always working or tired from working #i dont think bank tellers have to deal with crackheads screaming at them and calling the police bc they cant login to google #or not having a work schedule for a month bc the district manager just cannot be bothered #i think its a great job for normal people that arent constantly too high off their ass to hold a conversation #definitely wont have the same problems i do now itd be new problems #like passive aggressive 30 y/o women drama #be a nice change of pace

[gothcarmelasoprano]

maw why are these troll accounts linked through my ex best friends STILL following me

#im highly convinced at this stage she was the one that made the fake accounts #the gas thing is is that she was mainly an online friend and had she kept in touch with me at the time she wouldve known i was in the #studio in college preparing for my assignment for the semester so i dont fail like there were specific requirements we had to get done for #that week... and you think i would have that time to make fake accounts if anything itd be you and your online friends #emphasis on online because you could hardly make friends or even get a job here so you got one back home #the saddest thing is that the memes can be funny but its just what they represent in this whole situation that sours it completely #dont get me started on her friend she is honestly so polarising even from an outsider's perspective #ugh it doesnt annoy me anymore as it did because at the end of the day it has nothing to do with me but the fact that theyre STILL going on #about it makes me think that her and her online buddies have nothing else to do apart from being with themselves constantly #i had that life but no way did i want to live that way in my 20s 💀 #i fucked up before that incident but isnt it convenient when we hardly spoke for a month just for the ~fake account~ to appear to stop #being friends like as awful as it sounds but itd actually be a lot easier just to say you dont want to be friends #instead of dragging outsiders into it like you do best #the saddest thing is that she was actually quite fake even before she went down a permanent online rabbit hole #and i was aware of it but because i was emotionally vulnerable at the time i never cut her off since i really wanted friends to talk to #play that cool girl alty idgaf attitude all you like but it doesn't change the fact that you're superficial no matter how much you mask it #ugh im hormonal and i cant sleep but at the same time its nice to be able to freely bc not as many people use tumblr anymore #i block those accounts not because im offended or im precious about my image but they do spam and its annoying af so i dont want that tbh #having pictures with a school friend whilst under the same breath making jokes of their dead brother is not a good look 😬 #i did fucked up things as a result of coping with trauma and alienation as a teenager but this is actually low? #im sorry but it does it screams fake and im pretty sure that the fake treatment was given to me when we first became friends #fake people rarely ever change #i have to get ready for work in an hour this was unexpected #might vent later because i feel like i can do anything on this godforsaken website #the shocking thing to them is that they nothing on me if anything the 'proof' she showed me almost exposed her and her crowd #i have deleted my fb account but i still have the screenshots somewhere

[mothheart]

I know this probably makes me a bad person but being bullied over my nose has never left me. I hate my nose and I wish it was smaller and if I could afford cosmetic surgery I would get it

#like yeah obviously being bullied for basically all of my years in school would impact me but i feel guilty about it #i hated my teeth and i know i never would have been happy about them if i hadnt gotten braces. like it WAS medically necessary but #even if it wasnt #i know i still would have never felt happy or confident with crooked teeth and a severe overbite #when i say i got bullied for every little insignificant thing i am being so serious #people i considered friends talked behind my back about how ugly they thought i was and i would find out from people i wasnt as close with #the weirdest thing that probably seems so stupid is the one (1) time i wore shorts bc it was fucking hot and we had a day #at school where we spent it all outside #some guy made fun of me for the way my legs and knees look #i realize its not nearly as bad as fat people have it but i was bullied for being very skinny and for the way my body looked #i cant see myself ever being genuinely confident in any part of myself now lol #and i have so many body image issues that i wont go into #i try to shift my mind to the same place as all these body positive posts and i completely believe them in the case of anyone that isnt me #i know this probably makes me vain and a bad person but what can i do really lol #miles rambles

[nyatawia]

Komi can’t communicate hits a little bit too close to home

#im watching the kyoto trip episode and god did i feel like that every single day of my life #im not even a second choice ik for a fact ppl were disappointed to be paired with me #I remember clear as day when one of my classmates asked the teacher why she was stuck with the weirdo #in my case its not just my imagination i faced sm rejection without even trying to approach ppl #when i was a scout girl i was always with the other girls of my age group and one day they asked me why im following them #i couldnt even cry bc there was no place where i could have privacy on that day #and these are my most vivid memories from my middle school years! #i started hating myself and life as soon as i stepped into that school #before that some ppl would dislike me bc i was a foreigner but then i had other friends i could count on #in middle school I literally had no one #i was weird chubby ugly had extreme social anxiety and didnt even answer ppls questions #life was torture #only two very sweet girls accepted me into their group and i would hang out with them sometimes i was so glad i could hang out with someone #during lunch break or whatever #idk why i went on this tangent!!! but yeah this show is bringing back some stuff man #every scene im like same komi same!!! #now im not super popular or anything but im surrounded by nice ppl who care about me and i love spending time with them even though #sometime i still feel that i cant communicate properly😭 #anyways #social anxiety girlies it does get better at some point #i even have the best bf in the world now! before I thought id die alone fr #im not trying to make 100 friends like komi tho i feel like the ones i have are good for now #hfkskg

[zhuhongs]

as much as im glad to be here rn in this november, i wish i could go back to last year this time and do it over. i miss my class, i miss those kids. I really truly failed them... i could've been a much better teacher. i couldve been much more understand, i couldve made much better use of thier time. i think about them a lot. specifically the kids i failed the most. i mean i didnt do anything to make their school experience worse, but i failed to help them when i recognized they were indeed struggling in some way. i carry that with me. i really really wish i couldve done more.

#milagros... jose.. gustavo.... yea... yea. two them i know i cant run into again even if i go back bc their in middle school. i just hope i #can meet them again one day and tell them the things i shouldve told them before... sighsss #i hope in this time i can gain the confidence to be a real adult and stop being so timid and become my own self fulfilling prophecy #if i return to the US and im still the same timid person always running away and holding my tongue im going to be so disappointed in myself

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the #best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b #like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional #control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood #weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start #crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way #not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things. #thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi #now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me. #working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning & #prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st. #task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in #this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do #moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an #then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose #things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the #picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to #absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal #away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i #still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop #switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping #would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is #but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually #unrelated #i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static #but focus is not a thing i cna control