#but grad school is hard i have zero time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

Visit Blog

Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.

Fun Fact

69% of Tumblr users are millennials.

#but grad school is hard i have zero time

flamefatalis · 2 years

Text

People keep asking if I’m going for my doctorate after I get my masters next summer and it’s just like… no?? I mean could you imagine?? Dr. Flamey.

#listen trying to get through grad school while working full time is hard enough #plus I highly doubt I’m smart enough to get a doctorate #then again I have zero self-confi/dence #adding a ‘Dr’ to the front of my name sounds… weird #flamey's personal crap

4 notes · View notes

qqueenofhades · 5 months

Note

I’m in undergrad but I keep hearing and seeing people talking about using chatgpt for their schoolwork and it makes me want to rip my hair out lol. Like even the “radical” anti-chatgpt ones are like “Oh yea it’s only good for outlines I’d never use it for my actual essay.” You’re using it for OUTLINES????? That’s the easy part!! I can’t wait to get to grad school and hopefully be surrounded by people who actually want to be there 😭😭😭

Not to sound COMPLETELY like a grumpy old codger (although lbr, I am), but I think this whole AI craze is the obvious result of an education system that prizes "teaching for the test" as the most important thing, wherein there are Obvious Correct Answers that if you select them, pass the standardized test and etc etc mean you are now Educated. So if there's a machine that can theoretically pick the correct answers for you by recombining existing data without the hard part of going through and individually assessing and compiling it yourself, Win!

... but of course, that's not the way it works at all, because AI is shown to create misleading, nonsensical, or flat-out dangerously incorrect information in every field it's applied to, and the errors are spotted as soon as an actual human subject expert takes the time to read it closely. Not to go completely KIDS THESE DAYS ARE JUST LAZY AND DONT WANT TO WORK, since finding a clever way to cheat on your schoolwork is one of those human instincts likewise old as time and has evolved according to tools, technology, and educational philosophy just like everything else, but I think there's an especial fear of Being Wrong that drives the recourse to AI (and this is likewise a result of an educational system that only prioritizes passing standardized tests as the sole measure of competence). It's hard to sort through competing sources and form a judgment and write it up in a comprehensive way, and if you do it wrong, you might get a Bad Grade! (The irony being, of course, that AI will *not* get you a good grade and will be marked even lower if your teachers catch it, which they will, whether by recognizing that it's nonsense or running it through a software platform like Turnitin, which is adding AI detection tools to its usual plagiarism checkers.)

We obviously see this mindset on social media, where Being Wrong can get you dogpiled and/or excluded from your peer groups, so it's even more important in the minds of anxious undergrads that they aren't Wrong. But yeah, AI produces nonsense, it is an open waste of your tuition dollars that are supposed to help you develop these independent college-level analytical and critical thinking skills that are very different from just checking exam boxes, and relying on it is not going to help anyone build those skills in the long term (and is frankly a big reason that we're in this mess with an entire generation being raised with zero critical thinking skills at the exact moment it's more crucial than ever that they have them). I am mildly hopeful that the AI craze will go bust just like crypto as soon as the main platforms either run out of startup funding or get sued into oblivion for plagiarism, but frankly, not soon enough, there will be some replacement for it, and that doesn't mean we will stop having to deal with fake news and fake information generated by a machine and/or people who can't be arsed to actually learn the skills and abilities they are paying good money to acquire. Which doesn't make sense to me, but hey.

So: Yes. This. I feel you and you have my deepest sympathies. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to sit on the porch in my quilt-draped rocking chair and shout at kids to get off my lawn.

#anonymous #ask #school stuff

179 notes · View notes

wen-kexing-apologist · 10 months

Text

On the Subject of Pat 2.0

Hello! It’s your resident 25 year old working their first job out of grad school with no family in the area and a friend group that is comprised mostly of people older than them here to talk about "Pat" Phakphum Tangwatthana another resident 25 year old working his first job out of grad school with no family in the area and a friend group that is comprised mostly of people older than him.

I have seen some confusion or distaste around Pat and Pat’s storyline in the most recent episode, and I understand the criticism around the editing needing to be tighter, but I do just want to talk about my own perceptions of Pat and why I didn’t need any more explicit explanations for his behavior than we already got.

It’s essay time :D

Pat and his emotions in Episode 9:

We start the episode on Pat’s point of view, cutting back to the previous evening and establishing Pat’s level of inebriation

Gif from @pharawee

Everything is ghosting and blurry and it is very clear that Pat was out of his head if not out of his body when he was having fun with Jeng on the dance floor. This is evidence enough as far as I am concerned that Pat had absolutely zero knowledge of Jeng’s dance floor confession. But what he does remember is learning Jeng is queer. Which as we are all aware, rocks his fucking world.

Now, I wrote in my previous timeline that narratively, Pat has never had the time to contemplate the sexuality of his boss. At the very beginning, he spills glass jelly on Jeng’s shoe and meets a kind and very attractive man, and then he just simps over this very Lorge Man for awhile while Jeng is actively trying to manage a crush on an employee because he understands would be a huge HR Violation if he were to try to pursue that thread. But Pat has been flirting hard, in ways that are obvious if you are queer and able to identify them, but less so if you are straight and don’t automatically look at the level of familiarity as flirting. However, we have to look at when, where, and how Pat and Jeng break their professionalism and where they maintain it.

Pat only initiates the break in professionalism when he is drunk and/or out of the office. His criticisms of Jeng he gives in the review? Drunk. His commentary about how when he first met Jeng he was nice and he is having a hard time reconciling that Jeng with micromanaging boss Jeng? Drunk. Hanging all over him and tugging at his shirt? Drunk. Hanging all over him and tugging at his shirt round 2? Drunk.

The rest Jeng initiates. He engineers the dinner in his office, he asks Pat to come over on Sunday to work, he suggests Pat get ready at his apartment, he suggests he and Pat share a hotel room, he asks Pat to accompany him to the furniture store, he calls the video of drunk!Pat cute, he asks Pat to go on the restaurant tour with him.

So, from this we know that Pat is aware enough of the office gossip and when in control of his mental faculties, is able to temper his feelings towards Jeng while at work. And that Jeng has been simping hard from the beginning, and Pat has been reciprocating the energy whenever Jeng starts the interaction.

But we also know that Pat has a difficult time handling his other emotions, especially while at work. Partially because he is young, partially because he is exploited, partially because he is almost certainly spending a lot of his time focusing on a) not having a meltdown and b) not hitting on his boss in front of his coworkers.

Anyway, the timeline of Pat’s immediate emotions around Jeng’s sexuality confession I have previously outlined so just keep that in mind while I continue to ramble about Pat in this episode.

Pat learns Jeng is gay, freaks out about it because Jeng is fully aware of everything Pat has been doing, and Pat is fully aware that Jeng has been intentionally flirting with him this whole time. Spirals about it in his dreams the whole night and wakes up hungover and having an existential crisis about what the fuck comes next for him.

He takes the day off, tries to give himself some space to think, process, reassess, and figure out his next steps. But instead…his Mom is in town, and in his kitchen, cooking him breakfast.

What is she doing here? He doesn’t know, it’s a surprise, and a good surprise because we know he has a good relationship to his parents, and you can tell that from the way he interacts with his mother. But a mother is going to mother, so she’s going to comment on his eating habits, and he’s going to lie about how often he eats instant noodles, and she’s going to check in on his health, having seen him absolutely plastered the previous evening, and she is going to ask about the very kind and handsome man that helped Pat home and made sure he was safe.

And she’s going to say a passing comment about Pat being a burden to his friend.

Which, looking at Pat’s face here, was not really what he wants to be hearing at this particular moment. Not when he is trying to get Jeng out of his head, not when he is trying to create space to figure out what he is feeling about that entire situation, the reality that he could have what he wants, the understanding that Jeng has been wise to Pat’s attraction to him this whole time. Not when he got in to that whole situation with Jeng last night because he was trying to distract himself from being sad about breaking up with Put. His parents live in another country, they have no idea what is going on in his life, his mother sees her son was out with a nice man and so has no reason to suspect something would have been wrong. So she stumbles right in to one of Pat’s sore spots.

“Where did you meet him?” she asks and Pat’s goes:

If anyone needs a live action shocked pikachu face, look no further. He knows he cannot tell her. He knows what it would sound like, what it would seem like, how inappropriate it would appear for him to say “I met him at work” and even more so if he has to say “that is my boss.”

He’s had the realization that Jeng is gay, and therefore that a relationship between Jeng and Pat is possible, and he is now having the realization of just how bad it would appear to literally anyone on the outside. Even now, even before they are dating, when they are just coworkers and friends, his mother knowing that he was out, late at night, that drunk around his boss??? Absolutely not. Pat recognizes that and quickly shifts the focus of the conversation away from Jeng, asking his mother about a doctor’s appointment she is supposed to be getting to.

Another outfit, and another day has passed. Pat is staring at the stuffed tiger that he got on his furniture -date- shopping trip with Jeng. A stuffed animal that he has been using as a replacement for the shark stuffed animal that he had when he was with Put and that Put has used to manipulate Pat into talking to him and into considering re-entering into a relationship with him. This tiger here is serving as both a reminder of Put, the fact that Pat was unable to love Put because of his feelings for Jeng, and as a reminder of Jeng, whose sexuality, level of availability, and messy HR potentiality are all front and center in Pat’s mind. So he hides the tiger away in a drawer where he doesn’t have to look at it, so that he isn’t faced with a constant reminder of the personal crises in his life, because he is young, and his parents are here, and he’s never experienced this particular combination of emotions before, and to talk to his parents about his dilemma he would have to explain this situation to his parents and I don’t think Pat believes he can talk to anyone about it. Because all of his friends besides Ae are friends from work, Jaab is Jeng’s brother, Jen and Jaab are going through it and Jen is quitting, Kanon was on the production team and Kanon is married to Ae so whatever Pat says to Ae may get back to Kanon pretty quickly. Chot is fully incorporated into the office life and is fully aware of what is going on (and in fact may think Pat and Jeng are much further ahead in their relationship than they are) but Pat thinks he’s being sly about his feelings for Jeng, and Chot being directly in the office rather than on an outside production team is not going to be a draw to talking about his feelings for his boss.

Meanwhile, Jeng is approaching the other queer in the office to ask if Chot has seen Pat cause he hasn’t been in the office in a few days and realizes that Pat is taking days off without even

notifying him. Readers, I do not need to show you Chot’s face throughout all of this. Chot is 150% convinced that Jeng and Pat are in the middle of a lover’s quarrel. I need a Chot live reaction to finding out that Pat and Jeng haven’t fucked yet, and a gravestone for Chot when he learns that Pat thought Jeng was straight.

Alright, so, Jeng is in his sad boy hours clearly pining after Pat in the office in front of Chot, but pushes that all back down in order to perform his necessary duties as a boss. Jeng too, is trying to keep control of his emotions, but will end up losing his grip of them and having an utter break down.

But this is not about Jeng, this is about Pat

Pat’s Mom is here, but she’s settled in, and Pat’s off work, so maybe now he has time to try to process some of his emotions?

Nope! Dad appears!

And what? Another surprise! Another parent coming to stay at his house without warning, and for what reason?

…

Oh.

Oh shit.

Pat has completely lost track of the passage of time. Which hey, works for Ae going from 0 to 30 weeks out of nowhere. Why does his Dad come to Thailand around this time every year?

It’s almost Pat’s birthday, and Pat has completely forgotten. This man has been juggling all of his work, a ton of his coworkers assignments, MLM schemes (the only mlm Pat is interested in is…nevermind), the Forge project, The Forge commercial shoot, leading the commercial shoot, his relationship with Put, his breakup with Put, navigating remaining professional in a workspace with his recent ex when emotions are still raw, and his mounting feelings for actually gay actually single hot boss man. On top of that, Pat is living alone, surviving off of ramen noodles, and (iirc) waiting to see if he makes it past the probationary period and is actually going to be allowed to stay on as an employee when that window is over. Jen is an adult, and not one Pat knows very well, Chot has his shit together and is engaged, Ae and Kanon are adults, married, and soon-to-be-parents, and Jaab is his age but is just as much if not more of a hot mess than Pat is. Pat gets convinced to go on that restaurant tour by Ae and their other friend, but those two are straight and therefore will not get what Pat is spiraling about after finding out Jeng is gay. So where can Pat go? Who can he turn to for advice? Who is going to have the time and the understanding and the patience to help him navigate all of these rising pressures?

Well, we get a good indication, of where that is heading because Pat’s dad takes one look at Pat’s utter shock at realizing that he has forgotten his own birthday and states:

Life must be pretty hard lately. His father is in the know, he’s gettin’ wise, gettin’ with it. It’s a great dynamic of Pat pretending to be fine for the sake of his mother, and then having no ability to hide from his father because the initial shock of the realization meant he wasn’t able to mask his emotional state.

He burns his ramen noodles, his father cooks for him. Gives him vegetables. Calls it like it is in Pat’s life even though he doesn’t have the full context.

Pat returns to work, and Chot starts doing his gay fairy godmother deal, vague-posting about what he thinks Pat’s problem is through the lens of his own issues. He knows Pat is young, and Pat is coming out of a relationship, and that Pat does not have a lot of guidance on the whole Being Gay in Thailand thing, despite being pretty comfortable in his sexuality and navigating his relationship with Put pretty maturely, if we’re honest. Chot is reaching out, Chot is extending the hand, Chot is trying to turn the tide of their relationship from just work friends to friends who can rely on one another in their personal life.

Now, Pat has been dissociating for the entire conversation thus far, because realizing he has forgotten his birthday because he’s been so caught up in everything has started his death spiral. When Jeng came out he tripped into it and was gripping at the edge of his remaining sanity by trying to give himself time and space to work through his emotions, but the arrival of his father and the understanding that he has not been thinking about himself for however long is what starts this final (and ultimately unsuccessful) attempt at managing his emotional state.

But Chot’s admission that being gay is hard for Krit, snaps Pat out of it a little bit, and we get Pat’s “At least he’s straightforward with showing you that he loves you” and now…Pat has not been paying a whole lot of attention to what Chot was saying, so this is either Pat being very good at processing information while dissociating, and/or Pat picking up on the part of the story that is most relevant to him and attaching his own frustrations with his current situation to it.

“At least he is straightforward with showing you that he loves you”

Okay, so let’s explore who this is about. That’s right. It’s about literally every possible romantic pursuit of his in the last few weeks/months. Put, MLM guy, and Jeng.

On the Put end of things, Put left Pat two years prior, valuing his job over his relationship with Pat while simultaneously struggling with his own queerness. When Pat and Put get back together, Pat pours his whole heart and soul into trying to make the relationship work. Because he needs it to work. Because he’s in love with his boss and he can’t be in love with his boss because that way madness (and job loss) lies. We do see moments of them being lovey-dovey, we see moments of flirtation, but the show is extremely intentional about showing that Pat and Put’s relationship is not a happy one. Put ignores Pat over dinner, that dinner scene where Put is mostly focused on his cellphone is dimly and cooly lit, with the tiniest smidge of warmth behind Pat and nothing anywhere close to Put.

They make out in a hotel and Pat asks if Put likes him, and Put does not give him an answer, he just flips the question back around on Pat. Pat doesn’t answer either, not at first, he just kisses Put, and then realizes that it doesn’t feel the way it used to, and whatever feelings he may have had for Put before are no longer there. Because he is in love with his boss. So he leaves Put and goes to the party to seek out the person he wants to be around/with. When Pat breaks up with Put he calls him out on his attempts to manipulate him. So Pat is sad about the break up, sure, and he is allowed to be. But he is also reconciling here with the fact that Put never showed interest in him, unless and until Pat was threatening to leave.

Then we get MLM guy, who is very forward in his interest with Pat. Pat is picking up what MLM guy is putting down (he thinks), and gets all excited about the prospect of having another Hot Tall Boi to channel his energy into so that he isn’t left to think about Jeng or Put’s return to Thailand. Pat is excited for the “date” and is devastated when it turns out this man wasn’t interested in him at all, he just wants him to join a multilevel marketing scheme. After which Pat is harassed at work and hounded by this man until he is literally threatened. So now Pat has to grapple also with the knowledge that the one person who seemed to be obviously, openly interested in him, was just using those emotions to get something out of him. Yet another manipulation. On the Jeng end of things, Jeng is forced to be subtle about his love for Pat by nature of the power imbalance inherent in a boss and employee relationship. Jeng has been intentionally engineering his romantic advances to have as much plausible deniability as possible. Which means, Pat, thinking that Jeng is straight, has not picked up on them. Or rather has convinced himself that Jeng wasn’t being intentional about making moves. If Jeng had been more obvious, had pursued him the way that Pat is used to being pursued, that is, more explicitly, if Jeng had even been more obviously queer, then Pat would have known immediately. But Pat has a luxury that Jeng and even Put do not, which is that him being clockable will not ruin his whole life the way that Put and Jeng as famous, prominent people would run the gauntlet if that information were to get out. Put says it himself in Episode 8: “A famous person like you might not be able to come out a lot, right?”

Jeng isn’t clockable as queer to the average person, and as Pat has been actively trying not to read into things, and has been trying to rein in his own horniness for Jeng, Jeng isn’t clockable to him either. SO…all of this to say that Pat feels that Put was not straightforward with their love, and that Jeng has been disguising all of his attempts at wooing Pat under a safety blanket of work. So Pat is feeling primarily hurt, lied to, and betrayed.

So, what we end up getting with Jeng is…manipulation. He has manipulated every situation to get Pat and him alone together, while at the same time not clueing Pat in to the fact that is what he was doing. While additionally not clueing Pat in to the fact he is gay. While also not clueing Pat into the fact that he’s Jaab’s brother until Pat literally walks into the middle of an interaction between Jaab and Jeng. While also not initially clueing Pat in to the fact he is Pat’s boss even after Jeng realized.

The past two people that Pat has been interested in have manipulated him over and over again.

His coworkers have manipulated him over and over again.

How else is Pat supposed to see Jeng not being explicit about his feelings? He’s being manipulated once again by Jeng not saying anything.

Chot lets Pat know that he can talk to him about anything, and Pat says “it’s ok, it’ll pass”.

Why is that relevant? CAUSE OF PARALLELS THAT COME LATER.

Anyway, Pat is giving an explicit invitation to talk about his feelings, and he brushes it off. Because Chot is an office friend in his office where his boss who he is having feelings about works, and Pat is very much oblivious to the fact that any gay within a 20 mile radius can see what is going on between Pat and Jeng. So he thinks he can’t be honest. Because that puts him and Jeng both in a sticky situation.

So he puts on a brave face, because he thinks that he can, because Jeng isn’t supposed to be in the office today. Because Chot told Pat that Jeng was out and Chot was covering. (Yet another reason why Pat may not want to talk to Chot about Jeng, Chot is literally acting as his boss right now). Because the thoughts Pat is having, the feelings that he is having, they are manageable so long as Pat does not have to face Jeng…

Except Jeng appears. On a day that he is most definitely not supposed to be here. They are at working, they are at work. Jeng does exactly what Pat has just indirectly told Chot he wishes someone would do.

He pulls a “boyfriend” and gives his jacket to his freezing love interest.

Now, is this something Jeng would do in the office? I fucking hope not. But currently, Jeng and Pat are sitting in the back of a dark room, with literally all the other queer people in the office. This is a safe space, this is a shelter. It’s why and how Jeng and Pat’s closeness has progressed in the most recent episodes. Because they have been away from the physical office space, around the straight and sometimes homophobic coworkers, and instead, on set with literally every gay boy known to Man. Jeng knows Chot knows, Jeng knows Jaab knows, having realized that Pat had no idea that he was gay, Jeng has decided he has been approaching things wrong, and gets bolder.

But, Pat has a) still not processed everything, b) is still oblivious to the fact that everyone around him knows exactly what is happening, c) is in the office, and d) is in the office with JENG who Pat was explicitly told would not be there. So you can imagine the stress he is under, and you can imagine with his track-record of manipulative men, that he is thinking very much that Jeng is playing with his emotions.

Because Jeng is playing with his emotions. Not intentionally. But Pat himself has never experienced this particular set of challenges before and Jeng is always on the brain. Pat’s emotional state is out of whack and it is at least 50% Jeng’s fault. Pat, again very maturely, hands that token of affection off to Chot, so that it will seem like nothing. So that it will read as nothing to anyone around him. Because Pat doesn’t know that they know.

Pat, who has still not had the opportunity to get the time and space that he needs from Jeng, because his parents are in town on an extended stay, because he had to go back to work eventually, because Jeng is now right there, once again does the mature thing, and walks away from the situation. He makes space.

Jeng follows after him, which again, makes it extremely obvious that Jeng is acting inappropriately close to Pat. But Jeng knows everyone in the room knows, which is why he can get away with it. But Pat just wants to be alone and Jeng is not letting him.

They retreat to an isolated corner. Where they have one of the juiciest conversations to date:

Jeng: “Did I make you uncomfortable in any way?’

Pat: “No, I’m just tired,”

Jeng: “Is it my fault?”

Pat: “No,”

Jeng: “I’m sorry”

Pat: “Why are you saying sorry to me, when I said it wasn’t your fault?”

Jeng: “You didn’t answer my text, ever since that day”

Pat: “Mr. Jeng, could you stop texting me? If it’s not work related. Don’t invite me to go eat. Don’t drop me off at home.”

And Pat says all of this without making eye contact with Jeng. When he finally does look up? He can see how devastated Jeng looks.

It confuses him in fact, to see this strong of an emotional reaction to Pat drawing these boundaries. Because, while Pat has not explicitly stated this yet, he thinks Jeng is fucking with him. This reaction is running very counter to what Pat is anticipating from this conversation.

So he has to say something else to fill the silence, and to soften the blow:

“Uh…I want to thank you. Thank you for everything. But please don’t do it again. Especially in front of everyone.”

“I can’t say no.”

And I take this two ways coming from Pat. First that Jeng being his boss puts Pat in the terrible situation of potentially not feeling comfortable saying no to Jeng. Because Jeng has power over Pat, even though we all know (or I at least hope based on this entire show so far) that Jeng is not the type of person that would take a personal vendetta out on Pat for rejecting his advances in the office”

Which is why I want to take a secondary lens to this conversation, and read that “I can’t say no” line as a double entendre. Jeng has let Pat know he is gay, Pat has placed all of their interactions into the context of that new information, Pat has realized that Jeng has been pursuing him this whole time. Pat realizes there may be reciprocated feelings involved. Pat tells Chot indirectly that he wants someone to be straightforward in their love. Jeng gives him the jacket. Pat has now been offered a much more clear admission from Jeng about his interest. Pat has feelings for Jeng. Pat has very strong feelings for Jeng. Pat hangs off of Jeng at every given opportunity the second he is out of his head. If Jeng pursues him, if Jeng is genuinely interested in him, if these feelings he has are reciprocated, and Jeng does not give Pat space. Pat will give in to his feelings and they will start an incredibly inappropriate workplace relationship.

Pat can’t say no because Jeng is his boss, and Pat can’t say no because he’s been DTF from the moment he laid his eyes on Jeng.

And again, I argue that Pat has actually been navigating this entire situation incredibly maturely. He removes himself from situations where he may be seen engaging in inappropriate workplace relations, and sets firm boundaries around what type of contact he and Jeng can have.

Pat tries to leave, Jeng pulls him back, wraps him in a hug, and does the thing Pat wishes people would do and is straightforward in his love for Pat:

Gif from @bellepark

Now here is where shit gets fun (read: terrible) for Pat emotionally. Because, ya know, he hasn’t already been dealing with enough shit. Pat sees Jeng: handsome, rich, successful, talented and cannot possibly fathom a reality where Jeng is actually in to him, a 25 year old in his first job, no wealth, no successful business ventures, who is feeling very much like the is untalented because of Chris’ mom on the commercial set. Jeng is everything, Jeng has everything, what could Pat possibly offer?

Gif from @bellepark

It legitimately does not compute. It is far, far simpler for Pat to assume that Jeng is fucking with him, toying with his emotions, possibly even trying to get Pat to admit to feelings so he can turn around and have him fired.

And If it is true that Jeng likes him, then how much has Jeng’s crush impacted his ability to accurately critique Pat? Was Pat only told that he was doing a good job by Jeng because Jeng had a crush? Was Pat given the commercial spot because Jeng had a crush? Is Pat even good at anything or does Jeng just want to fuck him and is therefore elevating his positions in order to leverage Pat’s growing importance to get Pat to do what he wants?

Pat has spent too much time lately being manipulated and being bullied and that is where he is coming from in his interaction with Jeng here. He is young, he does not understand what Jeng could possibly, legitimately want in a relationship with him, and if he lets himself believe that it makes sense for them to be together, then he will not be able to stop himself from getting in to a very dicey HR situation.

Jeng goes home, has a #hotgirlmeltdown and this is where I bring up the parallel that Pat told Chot “It’ll pass” and unfortunately for me Gaga has made it so that when I screenshot I get a black screen so I can’t capture the translation there. But I will just write it down:

“I can handle it…I think I can…I’m fine,”

It reminds me of Pat saying “it’s okay, it’ll pass”

Both of them are lying, but Pat was detached from his feelings when he lied whereas Jeng is consumed by his.

But this is not about Jeng, this is about Pat so we are gonna cut to Jen’s going away party.

Pat is wearing the same outfit as when Jeng confessed and Pat rejected Jeng so we know that Pat is coming in to this party riding a massive emotional wave, and trying to temper that storm. Because he doesn’t have time to process that right now, because this is Jen’s party, and because Ae sees Jen sulking and hands Pat the responsibility of talking with him:

Pat is gonna have to compartmentalize whatever feelings he is having to go handle Jen’s emotional state.

The significant beats I picked up on in this conversation with Jen are the following:

Pat saying he wished he had a home in another province to go back to

Jen saying it is a safe zone for him

Pat having the reality of being able to run away from his problems immediately crushed by Jen saying that he cannot pursue his dreams back home because everything is in Bangkok

Pat having the reality of being able to run away from his problems crushed again when Jen says “Well, everything is here and look at how bad it is”

Jen brushes off his own feelings and asks Pat how he is doing, and here is the crucial part. Huge shout out to @lurkingshan for pointing this out in a conversation we had last night. Jen is quitting. Jen is no longer a coworker to Pat. Pat has someone who is gay, who is no longer going to be involved in company business, and who is moving home to another province and therefore Pat can feel comfortable being honest because Jen is about to become very detached from his world.

“I don’t know, I’m very confused,” Pat says. And this is the first time he has voiced an emotion since he told Jeng he was sad about his break up with Put.

“Is it Mr. Jeng?”

Pat has his shit rocked by Jen asking him about Jeng so casually, like it is no big deal, like he is In The Know. Pat has really been operating under the assumption that no one could tell he had a crush on Jeng.

“These two brothers are the same” Jen gets it. Jen is telling Pat he gets it, and he’s telling Pat that neither Jeng nor Pat have been slick.

“I don’t know, it’s like he’s playing with my feelings,”

And I know this line may be a point of confusion for some people, because we know that Jeng is being sincere. We know, as an audience, how much of a fucking simp Jeng is for Pat. Jeng would crawl on his hands and knees for Pat. Jeng would almost certainly renounce his family and his title and his wealth for Pat. And if we didn’t get that from the last eight episodes, we are explicitly told how much Jeng likes Pat immediately before this scene. Pat consumed every waking thought in Jeng’s head. WE know this. Pat does not.

Pat thinks Jeng is playing with his feelings because of what I outline earlier re: all the manipulation Pat has been through recently with MLM guy, with Put, and with the situations Jeng has manipulated to get them alone together.

Pat believes Jeng is too good to be true, because he’s moved past the stage in the office job where he was so burnt out, stressed out, and exploited that every piece of constructive criticism felt like a personal attack. Pat isn’t angry at his workplace anymore, and therefore isn’t channeling his rage at Jeng anymore, and therefore isn’t focusing on Jeng’s flaws anymore, and as a result thinks Jeng reciprocating Pat’s feelings is too good to be true. Also because Pat doesn’t trust himself. Pat doesn’t see the parts of himself that Jeng sees. Pat doesn’t know why Jeng would like hin because Pat doesn’t understand the ways in which Pat brings life and joy and play in to Jeng’s otherwise extremely serious, almost entirely work-related life.

But Jen will not let Pat have that. Jen is older, Jen is wiser, Jen is an outside, relatively neutral third party where Pat and Jeng are concerned (Jaab is a whole ‘nother story). Jen can understand where and how Jeng and Pat are good for each other, and as a result he is quick to tell Pat not to sell himself short.

And he gives one of the most important pieces of advice that he can give to Pat is that if Jeng truly likes him, he’d find a way to tell Pat.

This singular piece of advice is going to save their relationship I tell you.

Whatever hope, whatever resolve that Pat has to navigate this storm. To figure out if Jeng actually likes him, if Jeng will do something that convinces Pat that he’s serious is crushed the instant Chot tells Pat that Jeng resigned.

Now, those of us in the workforce should be screaming “FUCK YEAH!” because Jeng is taking the responsible adult route by stepping away from his role as boss. Which, if Pat and Jeng were to get together would eliminate any conflict of interest, and if Pat and Jeng weren’t to get together would eliminate any fears Pat would have about Jeng a) harassing him b) firing him or c) retaliating for Pat’s previous rejection.

But…to Pat?! Well, he’s just ruined Jeng’s life. Jeng quit his job, from the company that he built. Pat understands that between Jeng’s position and Pat’s position, Pat is by far the more replaceable of the two. This is Jeng’s family’s company. Pat has realized that he fucked up. Pat is realizing that Jeng is not overstepping boundaries because he is trying to harass Pat, but because he has genuine feelings because the second Pat said to keep it work-only Jeng up and fucking left so that Pat wouldn’t have to worry about seeing him around.

Pat is thinking, Pat is contemplating, Pat is dissociating, and as he goes to wander like a zombie back to his house at the end of the day, SURPRISE Happy Birthday, Pat! Mr. Jeng baked you a cake!

AND THIS IS A LOT TO PROCESS CONSIDERING THAT PAT FORGOT HIS OWN BIRTHDAY! But Jeng remembered, and Jeng made something for him. I would love to go on and on and on and on about the lighting in this scene, but this write up is, as usual, far far longer than I anticipated, and a lot of the lighting details were covered in this phenomenal post by @istanchan

So we are just gonna go with the major take away from this scene. The flame is ignited between Pat and Jeng, Jeng is out of focus, and when Pat blows out the candles, extinguishing the flame, Jeng comes in to focus. Pat is now forced to face his feelings about Jeng, in a way he has been desperately trying to suppress for however long of a time frame this episode covers.

Pat goes home, yet again dissociating because the second that he reattaches his consciousness to his body he knows its fucking over.

And at this point, Pat has exhausted all avenues. He tried to get over his initial crush on Jeng by dating Put, and realized that he was not actually interested in that relationship. He tried to give himself distance and time to process his emotions immediately following the coming out incident, and was interrupted by his mother, he tried to brush off his feelings in the hope that they would pass, he returned to work and tried to get back into the groove of things under the safe assumption that Jeng would not be there, only to have Jeng show up. He asked Jeng to keep their interactions work related only to have Jeng hug him and tell him he really likes him, he started to have a conversation about his feelings with the only person who would understand, who is about to leave the province, and he maybe is feeling a bit better, and certainly more resolved. We can tell that also in the way that Pat approaches Jeng’s office after his talk with Jen, only to have the rug pulled out from under him with the update that Jeng has resigned.

He has tried and tried and tried to get over Jeng. He has tried and tried and tried to convince himself that Jeng can’t actually possibly like him back. This man has tried. And he can’t take it anymore. He sits down, his parents sing him happy birthday, they immediately pick up on the fact that Pat isn’t doing well, and they ask the fateful question:

And this is the first time Pat has really had to sit and process everything. This is the point where he settles down, both exhausted and having exhausted all other options…and everything hits at once.

“This is the year I forgot my own birthday” my life has been so busy and chaotic I have fully lost track of time (starting a new job, being exploited at new job, getting new boss, getting micromanaged by new boss, being hate crimed at work by my coworkers, best friend gets pregnant, working to get Forge client secured, trying to do 90% of the labor in a one sided relationship with Put, filming Forge commercial and trying to convince the Forge people that he is competent)

“I even forgot that you’d come back to see me every year,” I am a bad child for forgetting my parents would come to visit.

“It’s like I focused on everything except myself,” I have been avoiding my own feelings and focusing on others (i have been suppressing my feelings for Jeng, I have been trying to put those feelings elsewhere, I poured all my energy in to work and in to the MLM guy and in to Put)

“But I don’t know how to deal with this feeling,” I have tried fucking everything I know to manage my emotional state, which I know is already a weak spot of mine and something I am actively working on and nothing I have tried has brought me even remotely close to working through these emotions.

His parents immediately jump in to help, but the problem is Pat without context is not making a ton of sense, and the only thing they really have to latch on to is “I don’t know how to deal with this feeling” and his parents give him a hard truth.

“You can’t escape anywhere.”

It was something that Pat started to realize in his conversation with Jen, when he told Jen he wished he had a house to escape to, and Jen reminded him that he could have no dreams there. But Jen is heartbroken and fleeing from the bad things in his life, so it hits a little different when Pat’s parents, who he loves, who seem to generally have their lives together, who are divorced but still clearly get along, who love and care for one another despite no longer being married, and who are emotionally very mature, and shining examples to Pat of how to navigate emotional turmoil look right at him and say “you can’t escape this feeling,”

And Pat has a breakdown.

Which, in my opinion, makes complete and total sense and is incredibly justified considering everything that he has been through in recent months. Everything that he has been trying to navigate and manage while he is alone in another country, away from his family, with no friends to talk to because of the ways they are connected to him.

And doesn’t it just suck that you finally have the people who have supported you all your life look right at you and be unable to do anything but hold you through your tears. Physically he has support, but there is no way out of these emotions but through them.

This is the release, and he still has a lot of shit to sort out, but he’s had a good cry and he’s ready to press on. He goes shopping with Ae, and while he does still seem distracted, he is doing better, he is participating in conversation rather than fully dissociating, he is teasing her (“can i have that cake?”) so he is moving more towards a point of equilibrium. Ae has her baby, makes him an uncle, and that is enough to shake Pat out of the depression spiral he has been in because look at the amazing miracle of life he has just witnessed.

He returns home from another chaotic and exhausting evening (helping his bestie deliver her baby on the back of a bus #casual) and finds a package waiting for him.

An incredibly well utilized in-universe ad, of a snack Pat mentioned he liked once, in passing, months ago to Jeng. Jeng has always paid attention to Pat, and I don’t know how much attention Pat has allowed himself to pay to Jeng that would get him to realize that. It’s the aspect of this whole thing that Pat has not been ready or willing to acknowledge. Because the second he realizes that Jeng is gay, the depth of Jeng’s engagement and focus on Pat becomes a lot more clear.

Pat find the happy birthday note from Jeng and collapses on to the bed surrounded by the snacks to think about things.

To think, in particular, about what Jen said about Jeng finding ways to show he cares if he is serious.

It cuts to Jeng, who is being driven to the brink of madness, who has been trying to maintain distance, but needs more than life itself to let Pat know that he is serious. It has been days, days at least since he has last spoken to Pat, and he cannot stop thinking about the final thing Pat said to him “Why do you like me, it doesn’t make sense,”

Jeng sends this message

And the episode ends before we see Pat get that text. I am very excited to see his reaction when he reads that, surrounded by wasabi peas.

Now, maybe I am way way overanalyzing all of this because I will always come to Pat’s defense, maybe I am trying to convince people that if you just follow the lines and the lights and the body language everything you need to understand Pat is right there because there are so many parts of Pat that live in me, (though many that don’t), maybe I am blind to where the gaps in this episode rest when it comes to how they wrote Pat’s story, but I didn’t need more explicitly stated moments for Pat leading up to this breakdown because, well…

It makes sense to me.

(thank you to anyone who made it to the end, I recognize this is a long post even for me, haha oopsie. I would be unsurprised if I hit 10 hours total of work on this post between screen-shotting, double checking scenes, and writing it)

#step by step #step by step the series #step by step analysis post #step by step meta #step by step discussion #jengpat #manben #ben bunyapol #man trisanu #dee hup house #jeng x pat #gonna have to start getting an editor on my posts or something to tone them down #damn #at least y'all are well trained in reading lots of text a la fanfiction style #maybe i can fool you in to reading this whole thing

216 notes · View notes

copperbadge · 1 year

Note

Sam, I say this with love, exasperation, and admiration: I have no idea how you write so much. I'm in the middle of a long-overdue update of backing up my favorite fics to my hard drive, and your fic archive is basically a mini-project in itself!

LOL! I had this conversation with myself when I moved all my fanfic over to AO3. By hand. From Livejournal. :D I think it's mainly that I was undiagnosed with ADHD while being either understimulated in school or underutilized in my job. I think it's indicative of how my priorities have shifted as I've gotten older, that I haven't really written much fanfic in years, and in general my words-per-year output has dropped quite a bit.

Prior to 2019, it was a rare year I posted less than 150K words and some years I posted over 400K. It was almost always fanfic, because the first few novels were posted to Livejournal, not AO3, and I didn't move them when I moved over all my fanfic. I was in grad school, which was not demanding for me, and then I was in a series of jobs where I began with large amounts of downtime, then slowly had less and less as I gained more responsibility. Up until 2019, when my former office just disintegrated and I changed jobs.

So the output in those earlier years was this balance of struggling to keep myself entertained, having the time to engage with a time-intensive coping mechanism, and processing hyperfixation. It still feels weird to describe myself as having hyperfixations, because that's not how I've ever thought of my own mental processes; I have a specific mental definition of hyperfixation under which I do not fall, but I'm beginning to realize that definition is inaccurately narrow. Given my duration in a fandom is almost always two years on a predictable cycle, I can't really refute the idea that I develop and process hyperfixations like a lot of neurodiverse people do. (Marvel is an outlier in that the canon is massive and much more widely disbursed than most -- even so you can kinda see me move through characters within Marvel on two-year cycles.)

In 2019 my wordcount dropped dramatically, and in 2020 most of what I posted was original fiction I actually wrote in 2019. So I didn't post much in 2020 and didn't post anything at all in 2021, which was shocking to me when I realized it. This past year, 2022, is the first year I've bounced up, posting 246K words, but it's mostly been original work. I rarely engage in meta anymore, and currently don't really have an active fandom that I write or talk about. Looked at on paper, I haven't truly been in fandom in about four years. It's fortunate that fandom is a culture -- it's not something you leave or are expelled from just because you stop participating in some aspects of it. There is no way for me to truly leave fandom now even if I wanted to, short of leaving social media altogether, which I have zero plans on doing.

This all got very deep from a pretty simple ask about my formerly prodigious output, but it was fun to go look up my AO3 stats and engage in a little self-reflection.

#fandom #fanfic

131 notes · View notes

chaotic-archaeologist · 1 year

Note

hi reid! im an archaeology grad student and we’re currently doing preparations for our field school next month & it’s gonna be in a pretty isolated & difficult location (far from my home, wonky electricity & water supply, camping, etc) and i was wondering if you had any advice on how to prepare mentally? i’m kinda young and it’s genuinely my first time to be away from family for that long and i’ve been worried like hell hahaha

our site director told us to get ready cos obviously it won’t be easy and we’ll be there for almost a month straight and i’m a…very anxious person. not really sure where i should start but i do wanna come into this as mentally and emotionally equipped as possible !!

Deep breaths, my dirtling. First and foremost: you are more resilient than you give yourself credit for. You have survived 100% of the situations in your life so far!

Now this bit of advice may or may not be helpful for you, so feel free to take it or leave it. But I would get yourself a nice little Rite in the Rain notebook and prepare to keep a journal. Field schools are intense, and there will probably be some level of interpersonal drama, especially if everyone is living together. A journal gives you a private outlet for any feelings you wind up dealing with. Don't get me wrong, talking with other people is also a good option, but some things are more safely worked through in private.

If you need a comfort item, take a comfort item. Maybe this is a stuffed animal (zero judgement here, my teddy bear has accompanied me to all of my digs, although I was always living indoors). But it could also be a favorite sweatshirt that you can wrap yourself up and hide in at the end of a hard day. Whatever works for you.

Finally, check out my advice master list for some posts I've put together about field work.

I'm no stranger to anxiety, and I know that it is rarely rational. As much as you can, try to only worry about things that are within your control. But for whatever it's worth, I think you might surprise yourself with how you're able to deal with things as they arise.

Best of luck, -Reid

#he speaks #archaeology advice #field work #life advice

87 notes · View notes

butmakeitgayblog · 11 months

Note

Can you write awtr and break our hearts over and over again with Clarke knowing full well what she signed up for when she chooses to be Lexa’s wife? Did Lexa ever wish that she could spare Clarke the heartache of becoming an eventual widow? 💔

Of course she did 🥺

From the beginning it was always Lexa who assumes this thing between them is finite.

That's basically how the proposal comes about.

Because earlier in the day when she'd been talking to Gus and he had brought up the subject of Clarke, their conversation had come to a rather acrimonious end because she already knew everything he was trying to say. And so when she meets Clarke at the diner and they share a salad (her choice) and a shake (Clarke's 😏🙄), it's with every intention to get everything out on the table. They've had a great summer together but things are winding down now and she knows what part of their story has to come to next.

Except... When she asks when Clarke is planning on heading back to school, says she hopes she hasn't been dragging her feet with it because she's heard that grad classes fill up fast, Clarke just smiles and looks at her like she's gone crazy because, "Lex, I'm not going back."

Which is insane. Because of course she is. Because she's worked too hard to just give up now. Because she'd thought Clarke was over this self sabotaging act and gotten serious about what she wants in life. And, ok yes they've been slacking on her early studies the last couple of weeks what with all of The Sex, but it's not like Clarke will actually be behind when she gets there—

It takes Clarke roughly 4 sighs and sitting through the tirade with a level of patience she generally doesn't possess to get Lexa to shush up long enough to explain, "I'm not quitting, baby, I'll go back eventually. But I've already talked to my advisor and gotten everything in order... I'm taking a year long break from school. I'm staying here with you."

Dismay is Lexa's first reaction. Because how can Clarke say that and still be looking at her so lovingly?

Feeling sick to her stomach is her second reaction, though to be fair that might in part have to do with the half quart of milkshake she'd just ingested.

Crying, wanting to cry. That is her third reaction. Because Clarke can't do this. She can't throw away everything she's worked for just for h— Just for this.

But Clarke, stubborn and exasperatingly bullheaded Clarke apparently has very much thought out how she wants her life to go. So she sits Lexa down at 'their' table at Gus's and tells her in no uncertain terms what she plans.

"I want to marry you. I'd do it tonight if I could, but I'm fairly sure that's unrealistic. But whatever you decide, whenever you decide, I need you to know that I want this with you. The sooner, the better," she says with zero hesitation. And it's such a surreal moment for Lexa.

This girl who Lexa had spent the better part of her life pining over on so many of her loneliest days, the girl who'd eternally felt so far out of reach and who'd never give Lexa the time of day, is telling her she wants her. That she wants to be with her for as long as she can have her, in sickness and in health, however long of each that may be. Telling her that it wouldn't matter if they had a day together or a year, or ten years, or twenty more after that waiting for them down the line. That she'd still want to marry her. Right here, right now. Telling her that marriage and commitment isn't about getting a 'good' or 'bad' deal out of things because she knows by those standards, she'd always be fighting a losing battle. But for her, being with Lexa, it's about wanting to be bonded to her forever. To put in the work of loving and caring for her right up until the... Till the end...

Nothing else in the world matters. Everything else feels so small compared to them. And even when faced with the reality that if they do this, if Lexa says yes and that she will be a widow within a year, Clarke doesn't seem to have to think at all about her answer.

"I know what it means. And it doesn't change anything for me. I know what I want, Lexa... I want you."

And for Clarke, it really is that simple.

Lexa never had a chance of arguing with that.

#anon #a walk to remember au #AWTR synopsis #when Lexa says she doesn't want to become Clarke's excuse to quit on the rest of her life #Clarke just gives her that stupid smug grin she loves to hate and hates to love #and says with far too much swagger 'who knows baby. maybe we'll find your miracle after all'#out of everything... that's the moment that haunts Clarke forever

46 notes · View notes

pinkboxess · 1 month

Text

ruminations on fanfiction

I have been all happy today because of all the requests I got, so I'm thinking about all the reasons I love fanfic, and all the happiness it brings to my life, yada yada yada.

So, I majored in English, and for the first half or so of my undergrad, I planned to go into the publishing field. (This will be relevant, I promise.) I wrote things that I submitted places and tried to get published. Some of them were accepted and some of them were rejected. I took editing classes and volunteered as an editor for my school's literary journal.

And I didn't like it.

I realized after a little bit that the more "advanced" I got into that field and that world, the more I disliked it. It wasn't what I was best at, either. I never really got the hang of making good editing decisions (as in, deciding whether to accept or reject a submission). Trying to cater my own writing towards what publishers wanted was also less than enjoyable.

I love, love writing, so it's not that I regretted my major or lost the passion or anything. But I like writing the most when it's not going to be evaluated. Either when that's my own writing being evaluated by a publisher, or me as the editor evaluating someone else's work. Those are important jobs that I don't want to dismiss as inherently immoral or something like that-- if you're an editor, that's awesome. But it just wasn't for me. I always liked people's pieces too much or not enough, depending on whether it spoke to me, personally. It was too hard to be objective. I didn't really like trying to be objective.

So I don't write stuff to send to publishers anymore. For one thing, I'm in grad school now in a different field, and for another, I just really don't enjoy myself as much when I'm writing a piece that makes my brain go into that mode of "this has to be good" in a literary sense of the word good. At some point in my life I might like to go back to that kind of writing. But for right now, it's just not enjoyable, and since writing is a hobby for me, I don't make myself try to sit down and write something that I'm not excited about.

But I write loads and loads of fanfiction because fanfiction is so freeing. It's the epitome of self-indulgence. It's like this giant playground where I can write about vulnerable concepts like sexual desire and body image and aging and relationships. I mean, personally, I don't see myself writing sex scenes in anything except fanfiction, especially ones so detailed and intended for enjoyment.

But it's really like you're writing in this separate little safe bubble where you can do anything you want. The only feedback you receive is positive (I mean, just personally, I've never received a hate comment, so I can say that.) You can write works that are as short or as long as you want. You can post every day or once a month. You can always write the exact same trope, or you can do something totally new every time. And whatever you write, there will probably be an audience for it.

It's writing just purely for the sake of enjoyment. You're not trying to be good. You're not trying to pen a masterpiece. You're not submitting it for approval-- instead, you're posting it to be enjoyed freely, with zero barrier to entry. And that's what prevents me from losing motivation. I don't get tired of it, because it's always fun, and if anything about it isn't fun, I just don't do that.

I am so glad I've found some people in one of the corners of the internet who read my fics <3 it's such a fun hobby and distraction and escape and therapy substitute. Thank you for feeding my hyperfixation/special interest/obsession.

#see even if it wasn't already evidence that i'm a writer #the length of this post proves it #i never can be brief can i

7 notes · View notes

autisticempathydaemon · 2 months

Note

Hi, if you're still doing the matchups, I'd love to see what you have in store!

Song fixations

-- Currently, I've been listening to MARK CHAPMAN by Måneskin. The first lyrics that came to my mind was the end of the first verse and the chorus.

Ma se soltanto avesse La possibilità Ti seguirebbe al quattro angoli della città Nascosto fra la gente Senza un'identità Dice che mi ama ma lo so che mente

Si muove a piede libero Vestito come un incubo Vuole tu sia in pericolo Però'ti chiama idolo

Translated as: "But if only he had the possibility, It would follow you to the four corners of the city. Hidden among the people, without an identity. He says he loves me but I know he's lying. He moves freely, dressed like a nightmare. He wants you to be in danger, but he calls you an idol." I'm not entirely sure why these lyrics stand out to me in the way they do, but oh well. I've also been listening to READ YOUR DIARY from the same album.

The Redacted Part of this Ask

-- I absolutely love Hush's introductory video. The sound design and overall ambiguity surrounding his character at that point was so absolutely intriguing on its first release, and I still listen to it regularly.

I never was able to get into Asher, unfortunately. I know that there's probably so much more to his story, but it's just never clicked with me.

I would completely and absolutely love to befriend Huxley. I am a total Plant Slut, and I have (quite frankly) a concerning amount of house plants. Having someone who is not only Chill as Fuck to hang with, but could also help with the plants? That is a friendship that I need.

Book/series/tv show

-- Just solely by the volume of it that I watch, I could probably recall any given episode of Dimension 20. I watch it while crocheting, and so when I'm just chilling and have time on my hands, dice time it goes. I could probably name every insane Nat 20 Ally made in FH:FY and every intimidating Evan Kelmp line in Misfits + Magic.

Various other info (Sleepy time, Enneagram, etc)

-- My go-to way to fall asleep is, unfortunately, staying awake until I physically cannot keep my eyes open any longer. When I do get sleepy, I talk about stationary. It's something I've been into for a long time, and when I simply do not have the filter to not talk about my interests, I unleash everything about pens and notebooks that I know on the poor soul who is near me.

I'm a type 5 on the Enneagram and am currently pursuing a degree in Mathematics. Ideally, I want to go to grad school. I just really, really, fucking love maths. It is the best subject.

Gas Station. I normally do a water, a monster zero ultra, and kettle-cooked salt and vinegar chips.

Other than all of this, I'm just a dude. Just a silly little guy, if you will. Teehee. Have fun!

So this one was both so fun but so hard. You’re so interesting, you’ve got so much going on- a typical Type Five. Not to make you sound like a Manic Pixie Dream Boy but god, James could use you in his life.

By that, I mean Type Five’s are characterized as thoughtful, unique free-thinkers prone to philosophy and complexity. I think James respects and admires these qualities in you in addition to your pursuit of higher education. (I don’t think he knows a ton about math, but I do think he likes to hear you talk about it.) Complementing that, he loves the more unexpected, chaotic parts of you. Like, can you imagine listening to your thoughts and the cognitive dissonance of theorems versus Riz going up a corn monster’s butt? You keep him on his toes in the best way.

Another reason James strikes me as a good match for you is how easy, I think, it’ll be for him to take you with him to ETS. He could listen to Dimension 20 when he misses you, deeply confusing his coworkers who can’t picture him as a DnD guy. Like, I don’t think you would have had time to crochet him a blanket before he left, but maybe he’s got gloves, a scarf, socks, something you made for him that he can touch. Also, can’t you imagine sending him on his work trip with a little plant? The bonding opportunities for James and Anton to take care of their plants and miss their lovers write themselves!

Song:

Gonna soften the blow, soften the blow and give it up/ I saw the surprise, the look in your eyes, I gave it up/ Gonna be who I am, be who I am, and give it up/ I traveled the way/ Wait for me, wait for me/ It's all better now, it's all better now/ Wait for me, wait for me

James strikes me as an indie, alt rock kind of guy, so Kings of Leon would be a good fit for him. I like this song for y’all for that reason and the fact it’s got a sweet, longing kind of feel. Also, “wait for me” when he’s on that business trip a little incel motherfucker made that much longer just hits.

Runner-ups:

Anton is obviously a runner-up; like, he came to mind first. However, James strikes me as more interesting and therefore a better match for someone as interesting as you. Lasko is another runner-up because I think y’all would really share interests and hobbies. If I were doing platonic match-ups, he’d have been at the top of list.

note: thank you for waiting 🧡

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

#redactedasmr #redactedverse #redacted asmr #redactedaudio #redacted audio #redacted #busybee matches

7 notes · View notes

cathode-crew · 6 months

Text

I don't see a lot of posts detailing how hard high school and college are for neurodivergent people. I know maybe it's because a lot of ND people might not make it to college or even K-12, but I think its worth talking about. It is seriously something so annoying and devastating to hear more about destigmatization and accommodations and an increas of inclusiveness of ND people in colleges and work places, only to see that it's not really true and navigating/understanding the system is horrible.

I don't think anyone has a responsibility to work, but I genuinely want to and find myself (hypothetically) able to. Considering the big spectrum of many disorders, I think I'm ultimately a bit fortunate in that I can be a great student and I'm pretty smart. And yet despite that, I'm having a horrible time actually understanding what I can only refer to as "el chiste" (the joke). The way the system really works and what all NTs automatically know and follow, but don't directly say it or explain to anyone.

Schools and work places say they want smart, passionate hardworkers, but that's not what's important. Having good connections to people and time/money to take shadowing positions and trips was what actually counted.

The issue with being ND and school goes beyond having difficulty with a specific subject and focusing.

It's also not engaging with the class lecture or interacting with other students, due to being socially withdrawn or socially awkward.

It's being unable to network and making friends or acquaintances.

It's being very punctual and busy with studying that you miss out on apparently crucial club activities/school events/volunteer work. They say "read the textbook and do all your homework which for a 2 hpur and 2 days of the week class is 8 hours." That leaves me with no time to do a part-time job or volunteer or do extracurricular activities or anything. Other students prioritized non-class stuff and put it on their resumes and grad applications. I have nothing to put on those and look like an incompetent applicant for doing what they told me ("do good in classes"). Nobody filled me in on the secret/joke.

Being smart was not what any of it was about. It was being able to make small talk and have zero communication limitations or being socially inept. I got nowhere despite actually working hard to get 4.0s and loving the field I chose. My peers just complained about the classes and admitted to never reading even required texts, never came to class and cheating on quizzes and take home exams, but they move forward because without actually doing the work or spending time studying they got to volunteer and shadow and work on their statements.

#text #☔#autism #neurodivergence #learning disability

13 notes · View notes

wistfulcynic · 1 year

Text

in December 2008 i moved permanently from the USA to the UK and promptly got an ear infection. It was intensely painful, like an ice pick through my skull. i took some OTC painkiller and lay in bed, moaning and miserable.

my (English) husband looked at me like i’d grown a third head.

“if it’s that bad why don’t you just go to the doctor?” he said.

“i--i can go to the doctor in this country!” was my reply.

at that time, it had probably been 5-6 years since i’d seen a doctor. Not since i stopped being on my dad’s insurance. Even when i’d had my own insurance (via my grad school institution as part of my teaching assistantship compensation, the same insurance as the professors had. Probably pretty good. Still too confusing and scary for me) i never felt like i had the spare cash to cover a copay, was always afraid that what i needed wouldn’t be covered by the insurance. i ignored an abscess in my mouth for weeks until it finally burst in a geyser of pus you definitely don’t want me to go into further detail about, because i was worried that would count as dental and i didn’t have dental coverage.

you get the picture. Health care in the US sucks hard.

when my ear was infected, my husband phoned his local GP surgery (with which i was not registered, i was an immigrant on a spouse visa, only arrived the previous week), got me an appointment later that day. They saw me, diagnosed me, gave me a prescription for antibiotics for which i paid (i think, at the time) roughly £7. Cleared up in a few days.

all i paid for was the prescription.

some years later my husband made me go to the doctor again. i was having random symptoms i wasn’t even sure were symptoms, a weird laundry list of stuff that could be connected or could be nothing. i went to the GP with this list, worried that they’d take one look at a heavyset woman and immediately go “lose weight fatty!” or “diabetes!” They did not. The doctor was a young-ish woman who listened carefully to everything i told her, looked at my list of symptoms, and said “we’ll test for other things, but I’m 99% sure this is a problem with your thyroid. i’m going to start you on some medicine while we wait for the test results.”

prescriptions were by then something in the neighbourhood of £8.

a few days later i got a call from the lab that had run my blood tests. They told me that my thyroid levels were through the roof, so high they were actively dangerous. Cardiac arrest was a likely outcome if it was left untreated. They advised me to get a prescription immediately, and were audibly relieved when i told them i already had one.

if i’d not been living in a country with free-at-the-point-of-service health care, i would not have seen a doctor. The NHS saved my life.

why am i going on about this? Well. It’s because NHS workers have planned a strike for later this month, and the press are already on the attack. Fearmongering about how this will throw the system into chaos, patients will go untreated, etc etc blah blah all with the very unsubtle spin of “blame the workers. Blame the strikers. They’re putting your lives in danger.”

zero mention of how dire the situation is in many hospitals. Not enough nurses (because Brexit among other reasons) and the ones we do have are overworked and underpaid. Too many patients not enough beds. Old buildings, old equipment.

none of which is a problem with the system. The system’s great. The system works. The problem is the predatory Tory government who would love nothing more than a privatised, US-style insurance-based healthcare system off of which they and their cronies can profit. The problem is how the government has been starving the NHS of funds for over a decade, under the guise of “austerity” and how we all need to muck in together. Except them, obviously. They’re different.

the problem is absolutely not the people striking because they, like nearly all of us in this country, are shamefully underpaid. Because they deserve compensation for their hard and dangerous work. Compensation they are not being given, despite their attempts at negotiation.

whenever collective action happens there are always people eager to blame the workers. Greedy nurses, refusing to treat us when we need them because they think their pay is more important. How dare they? They have a responsibility to do their jobs! i am urging all my UK mutuals and anyone who reads this not to be taken in by these spurious arguments or any spin doctoring from the news rags. Side with the workers! Side with the nurses. Side with the people who want the NHS well-funded and thriving. A robust national health service is a universal good. Ours is creaky and wobbling but that is from mistreatment, not because the principle is unsound. i promise you, however frustrating you find the NHS, an American-style system is far, far worse.

#national health service #britain #strikes #collective action #political #NHS #saira has Thoughts

49 notes · View notes

suddencolds · 7 months

Text

very long ~musings on friendships~ under the cut

(mostly for me to sort through my thoughts - this might be very boring to read)

i'm at the point in my life where everyone's starting to go their separate ways (friends starting work halfway across the country for work, friends going to grad/law school, etc)

on friendship styles:

it's difficult bc i favor analytical/thorough conversations, and i gravitate towards friendships where that kind of conversation is the norm, but often those kinds of friendships end up turning into an infrequent back-and-forth / 'pen pal letter style' (because in order to maintain that level of thoroughness, having both parties respond at their own leisure is the only real sustainable option)

and in large part that works well for me; i enjoy being filled in on those people's lives when they have time. and i think a lot of adult friendships tend to ebb and flow according to like, how caught up both parties are in their individual lives in any point in time. but that's more a consequence of everyone leading stressful and separate lives, rather than indicative of any lack of closeness

at the same time, it's hard to gauge how much i want - or need - synchronous conversation (as in a voice call, meetup in person, real time back-and-forth over text, etc.), because i know the amount that i need is not zero. i think it's also difficult to try to introduce a new conversation style without necessarily knowing if it'd incur a burden on the other party; there's inherent risk to like, trying to deepen (or just adjust) a friendship that's functioned well on a certain level for a long time

sometimes the space in between responses is a lonely void, too, where the friendship feels almost suspended but inaccessible

i think that so much about adult friendships is just about making time. i also think that due to certain things i've been through, it's difficult for me to be the one to push for more closeness, because while i like to initiate, it doesn't come naturally to me. one of my closest friends is quite fickle and views friendships through a clinical framework of usefulness and give and take, which means that when i'm not directly useful to her, she sometimes drops off the grid for months at a time. it's been difficult adjusting my expectations around that - wanting closeness but also knowing that closeness is something periodic/inconsistent, or something that can be revoked at any time

when i take initiative, i can get easily discouraged if that effort is not met with similar enthusiasm. i don't have a solution for this (and haven't really formulated a question either); it's just something i've been thinking about.

on certainty / my personal expectations:

sometimes i want certainty where no such certainty exists. analysis serves me well in enough parts of my life that i struggle a lot when certainty is impossible to establish (e.g. 'will this person be there for me if i try to reach them'). i dislike the thought of investing myself into a friendship that the other party is not enthusiastic about, because my time and energy are limited, and the thought of being the one always vying for the other party's attention - the thought of my enthusiasm and engagement being seen as an annoyance - is something that terrifies me

i think i want to have the kind of closeness (and in some ways, consistency) where i would not have to worry about those things. that kind of hurt particularly sticks with me

i also hate guesswork; i want to be told things upfront. i hate passive aggression and i hate the idea that people have to 'take the hint'/'figure it out'. i like direct communication and i don't want to be friends with people who will hold resentment/harbor negative feelings without ever confronting me about them, though i know i am also guilty of swallowing my own discomfort at times; it's something i'm trying to be better at. i learned that ultimately, it's just more sustainable if i assume that everything is fine as a default, and that if something is ever wrong, the other party will tell me honestly. it is peaceful to be able to trust the other party intrinsically, and i don't want to entertain endless guesswork and doubt

(ultimately)

it's just a strange point for me right now. i'm learning that a friend group i considered myself extremely close to for so long is actually very different from me, and that the more i become more certain of myself and what i want from my friendships, the more the distance between us seems to widen. there are people i want to be closer to, but there's uncertainty as to whether that desire for closeness would be reciprocated, because i view initiative as an investment, and the only way i can deal with that is by overextending myself + reaching out to them first (and dealing with the possible hurt/discouragement that might come with it). and now that i am working full time and have more of a say on what i choose to do with my (limited) free time, i'm still in the process of figuring out what kinds of irl activities tire me out and which activities i'm most interested in sustaining.

despite all of this, i'm happy. i think i'm surrounded by a group of close friends that mean a lot to me, and i'm generally very content with my current friendships :'). there is just much to figure out

#not snz #might come back and add more tags later

9 notes · View notes

phanfictioncatalogue · 6 months

Text

Fics With Titles That Start With B (3) Masterlist

part one, part two

baby, if you wanna try (ao3) - sunflowerwitches (orphan_account)

Summary: wearing jewellery doesn't work in phil's favour when he sees friends that he hasn't seen in a while and they automatically assume he's engaged. engaged to dan

baby, you could be the death of me (ao3) - manchestereye

Summary: “don’t make this weird, idiot. stop looking at my ass when we crawl.”

dan and phil are detectives who “hate” each other.

or, b99 au (kinda) and dnp are sarcastic little shits that spiraled a rivalry over some misunderstandings.

Back Seat Bingo (ao3) - existingcourage

Summary: Phil, a young television and radio personality lands Dan, an upcoming producer as a co-worker. Friendship is inevitable, but what happens when life, love, and fear gets in the way? A 1950’s Phan AU.

Back To Zero (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: One weekend, one house, five people, a recent breakup; Dan wasn't exactly thrilled, but he was going to show up for his friend, even if it meant having to share a bed with a stupid guy that sided with the even stupider guy that broke his friend's heart.

Bad at Being Straight (ao3) - Masterread

Summary: Ace!Phil and very gay Dan slowly realizing they may be more than friends, but Phil's not entirely sure how that's going to work out...

Bang Me Like Those Drums (ao3) - Analphancones

Summary: Phil is the drummer of a band, but how will the lead singer, Kevin, feel when he walks in on Phil banging his younger brother Dan as hard as Phil bangs his drums?

Barbie Horse Adventures (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Sometimes friends force you to get over your worst fears, sometimes you meet your soulmate in the process.

Bardic Inspiration (ao3) - dickiegreenleaf

Summary: Dan is a travelling bard looking for a safe place for him and his beloved horse to spend the night. Thankfully, the local tavern owner, Phil, can offer him one.

Because of Reasons (ao3) - adorkablephil (kimberly_a)

Summary: There’s always a reason why … so they come up with compromises. Or, Dan and Phil go out for a fancy dinner to celebrate Phil’s birthday.

been about you, since i met you. (ao3) - smallbump

Summary: Dan is the boy at school that makes Phil's heart jump and do a flip at the same time.

begin and never cease (ao3) - palomeheart

Summary: Dan is a grumpy second year law student living with reclusive, perpetual grad student named Phil. When the holiday season brings out a side of Phil that Dan’s never seen before, Meanwhile, when Phil finds out Dan hates all things festive, he makes it his goal to change Dan’s mind before Christmas. And also to find the perfect mince pie.

be sure to ring the doorbell (ao3) - frostbitten_cheeks

Summary: Dan’s a tired sports reporter. Phil’s a friendly vampire with no real sense of boundaries, a propensity for bad Dracula jokes and a habit of leaving his unconscious victims in Dan’s kitchen. This isn’t how Dan thought courtship goes, but he’ll take it.

be the shift of cornerstone (ao3) - frostbitten_cheeks

Summary: Japan is eight days of sushi and beauty and unwinding and Dan thinking of marriage far more than is necessary.

Black And White (And Screaming Color) (ao3) - mysticstargirl

Summary: the one where Dan is a teenager admitted to the hospital after his lung cancer hits a particularly nasty bump, and he hates it- but a beaming, beautiful, bright-eyed nurse named Phil Lester makes everything a bit better.

Dan is shades and layers of grey-black-white, but Phil is screaming color. The world is printer ink on cheap paper, Dan is thick, messy acrylic paint on rough paper, and Phil is pastel, watercolor stains on hot pressed canvas.

Everything fades with time, even masterpieces.

black butterflies and deja vu (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: Once upon a time...there was a little boy, his name was- well, that’s not important. There was a little boy, and he didn’t have lots of friends.

But don’t worry, this isn’t a sad story, even though it sounds like it, I promise.

blue can be kind, too (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: A tale of being scared, starting fresh, and making your first ever friends after experiencing violent bullying.

Or rather, four-year-old Dan's first day at his new kindergarten.

Breeze (ao3) - sarahjean

Summary: Usually Dan is the one sitting awake at ungodly hours of the morning quietly pondering all the usual things. Death, our career, our future and so many other things. Now it’s my turn. For me, I always lead towards our future. Our lives after this second tour is over. The plans we made over a glass or two of wine. All the big things that are incredibly amazing to think about.

Bring Me Home From Hell (ao3) - the_unwritten_ruler

Summary: It’s an important moment for Dan when he finally perfects the ritual for summoning a demon, but he gets a lot more than he bargained for when he sets the creature loose on his life.

Broke, Gay and New in Town (ao3) - natigail

Summary: Dan Howell was in dire need for a change - he hated his job and his life and he just felt stuck. His grandfather’s letter was a blessing that came with an incredible gift: A farm. Dan had no idea how to run a farm but he was willing to give it a try.

He arrived in Stardew Valley with few expectations but even so, he could never have imagined he would encounter magic, otherworldly creatures, corporate conspiracies, so many queer villagers, a secret destiny and right at the centre of it all the love of his life.

broken porcelain (put me back together baby) (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: Dan wakes up - in pain, in little tiny pieces he can't make any sense of.

And Phil's out for the day, not there to take care of him while he lays in bed, contemplating the universe and why his goddamn brain has to spread its pain to the rest of his body on his worst of days.

#phanfiction #phanfictioncatalogue #phan #phanfic #masterlists #ficsb #ficsb masterlist

7 notes · View notes

sukimas · 8 months

Note

How do you make it in STEM? Like how do you just get stuff done? I'm stressing out.

Amphetamines and autism.

But sometimes, frankly, I don’t get stuff done. Sometimes it’s negotiable- you can ask for deadline extensions- and sometimes it’s not, which is why I’m not giving any talks this fall. It’s important to learn which things are the most important to you. For example, is homework really important for you to gain knowledge? Is structured studying? Do you want to go to grad school or into industry? Different steps need to be taken for each path. There are some people who seem like they can do everything, but really, nobody can; the most important thing to learn is what you want to do and what your priorities are.

(I’m assuming here that you’re around university age; if you’re older and on the job market or in industry I don’t have that much advice for you, you know better than I. And if you’re younger then my advice is different.)

If there’s anything in particular you’re struggling with, it might help to zero in on that if you want more helpful advice. But I can’t make you into me; I have a fundamental and abnormal obsession with quantum physics and have since age 8. I love what I do, even when it’s difficult. It’s hard for me to advise someone that doesn’t.

Do get yourself checked for ADHD if you can, though. 1/10th of the population’s got it, roughly, and if you’re having a really hard time getting things done, you might be one of that lucky (?) 10%.

7 notes · View notes

psychewritesbs · 2 years

Note

Hi!! Hope you're doing okay. I haven't seen too many theories (not surprised) on the angel (jjk), so I was wondering if you had any theories or thoughts on what type of character she'll be like or what you think she may contribute to the narrative?

HOLA!

Oh my. Kurusu Hana (来栖華) crack theory time!

Prepare yourself to go down a million rabbit holes, from her physical appearance to her name and even her Cursed Technique, Hana is loaded with symbolism ripe for exploration.

Ok but honestly... let me just say that I have zero idea. But, given you came to me (mental gymnastics extraordinaire) with this question, I am taking the opportunity to explore her character.

The problem with her character is that there’s... what? a total of 2 or 3 panels showing her actual character in the whole manga? She’s also only mentioned 2 or 3 times outside of that.

So it’s really hard to say anything about her.

Kind of like with Sukuna, when trying to figure her out, we’re basically throwing darts in the dark. Except, at least with Sukuna we know that he is a daddy that he’s based on an actual Japanese myth.

That said, I shall do my best to give you my most ludicrous and completely not-based-on-canon speculative ideas about The Angel for you to marinate on.

Assistant Pu-kyu and I are on it.

After all, if there’s one thing I love, it is doing symbol analyses. If only I would have thought to write about symbology in anime/manga through grad school...

Anyways... Just a heads up that this essay got long. I’ve heard from others that my essay on Megumi’s character symbolism crashed a couple of phones (whoops, my bad guys!), so I hope this one doesn’t do the same 😅.

Actually, if you are not feeling like reading the entire ramble, I created a section near the very end titled TLDR; to summarize my thoughts on Hana. Feel free to skip ahead.

Finally, just like the essays about Sukuna and Megumi I’ve written before, this is not meant to make any concrete declarations about what is going to happen, but is rather an exploration of myth and symbology to try to maybe hopefully perhaps not really predict what her character might be about.

My best guess is that the place to start is with her cursed technique before I get into all of the details of her possible symbolism.

Cursed Technique, personality and physical appearance

Now, since in JJK the body = the soul = the mind, considering her physical appearance literally resembling that of an Angel, I kind of have to wonder about how her cursed technique fits into this.

I feel like this could be relevant because Cursed Technique seems to be intimately tied to the sorcerer’s personality and/or body.

Remi is a great example of this. To me Remi’s Cursed Technique or abilities are reflected in her hair’s shape (body) and how her personality is such that she will sting/back stab Megumi even when he’s protecting her (mind).

Not sure of her birthdate but I wouldn’t be surprised to find she’s a Scorpio.

So how does this relate to Hana? I have to wonder about her physical appearance since she very much literalizes the idea of an Angelic being (body).

But what about her personality (ego/mind)?

One of the characters that I can think of that has a similar ability to hers is Dazai from Bungou Stray Dogs.

Noa (my source of BSD knowledge) mentioned that Foydor (I probably misspelled his name) may be a better example since Hana’s Cursed Technique looks like it messes with the psyche, but I am going to stick to Dazai because his ability, literally, nullifies/extinguishes other abilities.

Unfortunately, I only got as far as chapter 40 and cannot comment on Dazai other than what I’ve read from other moots--his outward expression of a clownish personality is a mask for his existential despair... or something like that.

I’m not sure that Hana’s personality will be the same as Dazai... But perhaps, rather than looking at personality from such a narrow perspective, why not consider how Hana’s Cursed Technique is a metaphor for her sense of self?

Ego is, after all, not a one-dimensional concept limited to how a character thinks and behaves, but also includes the character’s meta-perspective of their sense of self in the JJK-scheme of things.

Now, the trope behind Dazai and Hana’s ability is called “power nullifier”, so we’re going to be diving deeper into the trope to try to understand Hana a little bit.

For one, consider the idea of binding vows. Binding vows in JJK can get a little complicated, so the way I understand JJK binding vows is by thinking of xxxHolic’s Ichihara Yuuko’s role as the Space Time Witch, or Alchemy in Full Metal Alchemist.

In both examples, anything we want comes at a price.

It is impossible to create something out of nothing. If one wishes to obtain something, something of equal value must be given. This is the law of equivalent exchange; the basis of all alchemy.

This idea makes me wonder whether Hana's ability comes at a price--i.e. she’s limited in other areas (raw physical strength perhaps) because all of her energy is focused on being able to extinguish Cursed Techniques.

An ability like this one is also one that affects other characters and their respective character arcs. As an example, consider how Hana extinguishing Megumi’s Cursed Technique temporarily can cause Megumi to have to find a new way to fight.

Second, Hana and Dazai’s ability is a meta-power. Meaning it is the power above all powers. Almost God-like if you want to think of it that way.

When you start talking about meta powers however, it opens a new can of worms--the origin of power.

I won’t get into it here, but I am really curious to explore the idea of Heian being the Golden Age of Cursed Techniques, and how that relates to the historical reality that Heian was truly a cultural Golden Age in Japan.

So how does Hana figure into the origin of Cursed Techniques?

Regardless of whether Hana had any role in it, I think it’s safe to say that Gege will explore the origins of Cursed Techniques in the story at one point or another and I’ll be looking forward to it.

Finally, from a narrative perspective, typically an ability like Hana’s can also be plot armor because it allows the author to make scenes unfold in a specific way.

While I wouldn’t be surprised to find examples of plot armor during a jjk re-read, I feel like Gege does a pretty good job executing on the plot in a way that feels exciting and refreshing for the most part. So here’s to hoping that he has a plan for Hana’s Cursed Technique that doesn’t feel forced and contrived.

Hana and the Prison Realm

Funny enough, when I looked into the “power nullifier” trope, this trope actually comes hand in hand with the “tailor made prison” trope.

The “tailor made prison” trope is commonly used to lock up a villainous character, although in JJK’s case, it was used to take out the one op character in the story who could potentially solve any problem that arises in the plot.

Such a prison will often even feature skeletons to imply that leaving this prison is impossible.

Not Gege using the trope almost at face value.

But why is Hana’s Cursed Technique the only one that can open the back of the prison realm?

I might need to go re-read mentions about the prison realm, but the way I see it, the prison realm nullifies Gojo’s abilities. So to claim that Hana can nullify the prison realm puts her character on a meta ability, God-like level--an idea I will explore later.

I have to say I am curious about Hana’s relationship to the prison realm.

Why can she open the back? Does it have anything to do with her own ability to extinguish Cursed Techniques? How is it that she can open the back of the prison realm?

I feel like the prison realm needs its own meta symbolical and mythological analysis and I feel like I’ve seen something about it on Twitter. But, to be honest, I feel like that’s a rabbit hole for another day.

Ok. So that’s that for her Cursed Technique.

Onto her symbolism starting with her name!

Kurusu Hana’s name

It goes without saying that Gege uses the “power of names trope”.

Not sure if this is what Gege is trying to say, but it looks to me like the way he names his characters is a call back to 90′s anime names like Dragon Ball Z’s Vegeta (vegetable) and Kakarot (carrot), or Sailor Moon’s Tsukino Usagi (Moon’s rabbit).

But I feel like Gege takes it a step further with his character names. Gege understands language semantics and he uses kanji characters to tell micro-stories about his characters and the context of the situation they find themselves in.

For example, when I looked into the symbolism of the white rose, lo and behold, it is a symbol used in the Tarot’s Death major arcana to announce death. Nobara anybody?

So, whether it is the meaning of the plant trio’s name, the play on words for “unwavering human”, or the choice of kanji when Sukuna says “fascinate/enchant me Fushiguro Megumi”, Gege is very purposeful in how he uses kanji characters when he writes.

When it comes to The Angel, whom I’m going to call Hana, her full name is made up of the following characters:

Her last name: Kurusu (来栖)

来 - kuru. To come. This is a character that you would see in a word like mirai which means “future” in English.

栖 - su. Used for the concepts: nest, rookery, hive, cobweb, and/or den.

Let me start by saying that there is always the possibility that this could be a perfectly common last name. As you will see in a bit, it’s actually the last name for a major character in Japanese history.

But it’s just as likely that the possibility exists that the last name holds some sort of symbolic meaning.

For one, I find it interesting that the kanji for the verb, to come (the kanji for the verb is used in words like future), is part of her name considering she’s a sorcerer from the past.

If we take the characters’ literal meaning into consideration, we also get an interesting play on words about a nest/den that is in the future or “to come”.

What could this mean? Your guess is as good as mine. Again, maybe it means absolutely nothing because...

After doing a quick search for the combination of both kanji characters together, turns out that the last name Kurusu is associated with Kurusu Saburu, a diplomat known for negotiating peaceful relations between Japan and the U.S. while Japan was secretly planning their attack on Pearl Harbor.

Historical technicalities about whether the US brought the attack upon themselves aside, Mr. Saburu’s behavior is still shady af if you ask me! To go around pretending to forge peaceful relations while fully knowing Japan had less than benign intentions... idk, it takes some serious guts to do something like that.

Again, could this mean anything? Did Gege intend to create a parallel to Mr. Saburu? Can’t know for sure. But I like this idea that Hana is not someone to be trusted.

She comes down from the sky with her cute little angel wings and her cute little halo and... no.

I don’t trust her.

There’s something that feels very sinister about her.

Her first name: Hana (華)

Next we have her first name.

I didn’t know this, but you can use two different kanji for the word flower, hana. The kanji you are most likely to see for the word “flower” is 花, but Hana’s name uses 華.

華 - hana. The literal meaning is splendor, flower, petal, shine, luster, ostentatious, showy, gay, gorgeous.

The kanji is used in different contextual uses. One of them is typically used when you want to say something is beautiful like a flower.

But there’s also something to be said about the kanji being used in words like Kegon Buddhism 華厳宗, avatamsa (flower adornment, as a metaphor for becoming a buddha) 華厳, or even North China 華北.

I’ll come back to these ideas related to Buddhism later. For now, let’s focus on the symbolism of the flower.

To me, the first thing that stands out about her first name is the idea that she is beautiful like a flower.

I’ve written about it before in the Megumi symbolism ramble, but, considering the plant trio is named after plants/flowers, what if Hana’s name is meant to represent the trumpet flower, otherwise known as the angel’s flower.

This flower comes with a warning and a very nasty reputation. For example, in South America, the angel’s flower is used for initiation, divination, and black magic rituals and is often used by “malevolent sorcerers.”

If you do a Google search for the angel’s flower, you will also quickly learn that this flower grows and is most fragrant in the night and in the shade. That’s already kind of interesting given Megumi’s symbolism and the shadow, and how Hana seems to be targeting Megumi.

We still don’t know why she switched colonies, but it’s kind of shady to me how she showed up at the right place, at the right time--Megumi collapsing from exhaustion in Tokyo Colony No. 1.

I wonder if it goes without saying that Hana could be familiar with the nature of Megumi’s Cursed Technique. After all, she is a sorcerer from the past and we don’t know how long the Zenin have been around as a clan.

My best guess is that the Zenin have been around for a while since long family lineages of spiritual warriors that extend into the distant past is a common trope in anime and manga.

But to continue with the exploration of the symbolism of the angel’s flower, these little flowers can be highly poisonous and some can even make you hallucinate--and, according to what I read, we’re not talking about pleasant hallucinations, but rather bad trips.

I don’t remember where but I read a take about how maybe Hana’s cursed technique causes hallucinations and that’s how she cancels cursed techniques. If Gege is using the symbolism of the angel’s flower, then this makes sense.

What is cool about this idea is that it is that it positions the Cursed Technique as more or less psychic or at least having the ability to control someone else’s mind.

This is what my moot noa was saying about her Cursed Technique resembling BSD’s Fyodor’s ability since it’s very psychological in nature. If this is the case, the implications are juicy af.

Imagine a character that can peer into your mind and use your deep subconscious against you.

Seriously. Hana is shady shady shady (pun fully intended).

We don’t know how much of all of this symbolism Gege will use, but what if Hana is meant to symbolize a girl who is very beautiful, she’s got Moon energy (all that shade she’s throwing) and she’s really dangerous despite her innocent looks (this facade of a Guardian Angel isn’t fooling me).

It’s almost like her beauty is the lure just the way the flower’s role is to attract pollinators.

So, according to the symbolism in her name, she’s bad news all around.

Actually... I am putting my money on a shady morally gray character.

Shady af. More about this idea in a bit.

Watch her turn out to be super friendly and super righteous, rip to my symbol analysis.

A Guardian Angel or a Fallen Angel?

The Guardian Angel

Right.

Here we go down the Angel rabbit hole.

When I saw Hana in this panel...

My good girl Catholic upbringing reminded me of this...

I just can’t get over the similarities between the panel and the painting above. Everything from the idea of a winged being coming down from the sky to protect the vulnerable from harm, to the way the body is positioned and how the arms are extended outwards screamed “Guardian Angel”.

It’s uncanny.

Now, a Guardian Angel is typically thought of as a benevolent protector. From an Alchemical perspective, I have also read that a Guardian Angel’s role is to help it’s protege to achieve their greatest potential.

But more importantly, symbolically-speaking, Angels are thought to be closer to God (however you define and relate to the supreme intelligence that underscores existence). Meaning, their consciousness is superior to human consciousness.

Perhaps Hana is on the same level as Sukuna and Gojo--a being with an overwhelming sense of self that has transcended their human ego. If that is the case, then we have to ask ourselves, is she a compassionate Bodhisattva like Gojo, or a being devoid of humanity like Sukuna?

My money is on her being inhuman as a result of her transcending ego/human attachments.

Angels as executors of God’s will

In addition, Angels can also symbolize messengers of God who carry out God’s will.

In my symbol analysis on Megumi I touch upon the possibility of Megumi facing some sort realization of a higher power which he did not acknowledge before. And while I still sort of stand behind this idea, I wonder whether, given the symbolism I just touched upon, Hana’s role could involve using Megumi to execute fate’s machinations, or God’s will.

The question is: who is God? Or whose will is she bidding?

I do have to admit that I am biased.

Perhaps my interpretation of the symbols has more to do with how this is something I would like to see in the narrative because of what it might mean for Megumi’s character arc and his growth.

So, as I always like to say, take what I write with a grain of salt and exercise that sexy brain of yours!

Back to the symbolism of the Angel, another angle to explore Hana’s role in the narrative is that of Judeo-Christian angels as the ones that announce the apocalypse.

And what is the apocalypse if not final judgment day for humanity?

Considering Hana carries a little trumpet and that we can hypothetically associate the trumpet/angel’s flower to her, I still have to wonder whether her role isn’t to bring and execute judgment.

Not sure what that will look like, but I do have to wonder about this idea considering Regiestar’s last words to Megumi:

Good vs. Evil

To tie in other approaches to the Angel as a symbol, Japanese Buddhism also uses the proverbial image of god-like beings that sit on your shoulder and record every good and evil deed you have committed.

According to what I read, the purpose of these angels is to keep record of your behavior in order to present it to the judges as your soul makes its way through the underworld. So again, Hana could be tied into this idea of a judgment-day.

Now, in Japanese Buddhism, these two god-like beings are known as Kushōjin. The deity standing on the left shoulder is male and he records our good actions, while on the right shoulder, stands a female who records our bad actions.

Could this be Hana?

In the West, this idea of angelic beings sitting on your shoulder is more along the lines of a battle of good vs. evil. In this perspective, each angel wants to persuade you to commit acts of good or evil depending on the angel.

After all, what is a devil (like Lucifer--the light bringer) if not a fallen angel who defied the Judeo-Christian God’s will?

You can think of God as a supreme intelligence beyond our human mind’s comprehension, but I also like the idea of God symbolizing the status quo in JJK--after all, in Judeo-Chrisianity, God is a dude/patriarchal figure and one of the themes underscoring JJK is tearing down the status quo.

You can also think of God as “the order of things” or a fate that needs to be overcome to achieve one’s destiny.

I go into more detail about fate and destiny in my Megumi symbol analysis if you’re interested in reading more into that.

To me, the idea of overcoming fate feels relevant to Hana and Megumi, but we won’t know what that looks like until Gege executes this idea.

I have also written before about how when I say “Dark Megumi,” I also want to make sure that people keep in mind that dark ≠ evil and that the idea that darkness = evil is Judeo-Christian at the core.

When it comes to Hana’s angelic status, however, I do have to say that light ≠ good.

Now. You may or may not have noticed that I mention Megumi and Hana together quite a bit. This is not only because Hana coming down from the sky over Megumi when he collapsed is sus, but also because I wonder if there was a connection between the a Ten Shadows user from the past and The Angel.

Kegon Buddhism--the Hana + Megumi connection

Ok this is strictly crack theory madness but I just couldn’t help but notice this little detail. Really it comes back to this idea that Hana seems to be targeting Megumi.

I mentioned earlier that the kanji for Hana’s first name (華) is also used in Kegon Buddhism (華厳宗) and avatamsa (華厳), which is a flower adornment that serves as a metaphor for becoming a buddha.

There’s meta about Buddhism lore in JJK that you can find around this hellsite or the other hellsite that I avoid like the plague, Reddit. So I won’t go too much into Buddhism because that’s a deep rabbit hole.

What I will say is that Kegon Buddhism is the Japanese transmission of the Huayan school of Chinese Buddhism, and that the name of the guy who popularized this school of Buddhism is a Japanese monk named Myōe (明惠).

Did you see that little kanji in his name? Does it look familiar?

惠?

Hint: One of the kanji’s phonetic spellings is, literally, Megumi.

Again, just wild speculation on my behalf.

But we already know that Gojo and Yuta have a common ancestor during the Heian era and even Uro might have been entangled in some sort of relationship with this ancestor as a Fujiwara clan assassin.

All that to say, what if there is a connection between one of Megumi’s ancestors and Hana?

Again, I may be biased here but, outside of the obvious “Hana can help get Gojo out of the prison realm,” I feel like Hana and Megumi are going to be inevitably entangled somehow.

Actually, come to think of it, I feel like my symbol analysis on Megumi was incomplete without also looking at Hana.

In the symbol analysis for Megumi, one of the things I touch upon is how the Ten Treasures that form the basis for the Ten Shadows Cursed Technique were historically-speaking a gift to the Imperial Family from the celestial maiden herself, Amaterasu.

Is Hana that celestial maiden? Again, given her cursed technique’s meta power, does she have anything to do with the origin of Cursed Technique?

Now, to go deeper down this crack theory rabbit hole, one of the chapters in the Avatamsaka Sutra, known to have been influential for Kegon Buddhism’s philosophical views of the cosmos, addresses the Ten Stages sutra.

Not sure if this sutra is related to the Ten Shadows Cursed Technique, but this sutra explores the ten stages of development a bodhisattva must undergo to attain supreme enlightenment.

I’ve already speculated that Megumi may be a character that joins the enlightenment ranks of Sukuna and Gojo. He’s certainly upleveling like a boss and is op without knowing it.

Who is Hana’s vessel?

Ok, to wrap this madness up... let’s address the pink elephant in the room.

Is Tsumiki Hana’s vessel?

To answer that I have to go on a little tangent.

Ancient sorcerers and their vessels

I could be wrong but I get this sense that the people chosen to become vessels for ancient sorcerers might be their descendants. After all, Kenny did confirm he carefully chose the people who became vessels for these sorcerers.

I just feel like there’s some sort of genetic lineage happening in order for the vessel to receive the cursed energy of another individual. Otherwise their bodies would not be able to withstand the cursed energy.

Given this detail, I thought it was interesting that the OG Ryu looks very similar to the one who Yuta fought.

It’s a bit of a stretch to make this assumption. But the likelihood of a distant relative looking similar is still plausible. So if you’re willing to suspend judgment for a moment...

Consider that either the cursed energy in the cursed object changes the shape of the vessel’s body through idle transfiguration, or these characters are descendants of the original sorcerer and that’s why they look similar.

Again, it comes back to the idea that ordinary humans would not be able to withstand a cursed object’s cursed energy.

So that brings us to the sequence of events in chapter 173.

Is this Tsumiki’s body?

I don’t know and I’m not convinced. The sequence of the events makes it look like it might be Tsumiki. She’s got the curled ends, the turtle neck sweater, and we even see that vision of Tsumiki.

But in the end, Tsumiki and Hana’s character design is different. Unlike with the Ryu example above, there is no physical resemblance between the two characters.

The logic is kind of flimsy and I’m not sure I’m explaining myself properly but... Gege is one of those mangaka who likes to mislead his audience. So for this reason alone I feel like Tsumiki is not Hana’s vessel.

The other major theory I’ve seen thrown around is that Yuko from chapter 64 is Hana’s vessel. I think the reason this is a theory is because Yuko’s physical appearance is similar to Hana’s (although Hana seems to be drawn with much thicker eyelashes and her hair style seems slightly different).

After all, the purpose of chapter 64 within the overall narrative is a bit of a mystery.

What other purpose does chapter 64 serve within the narrative other than showing Yuji’s depth of character? Is it to introduce Yuko into the story to foreshadow her re-appearance as Hana?

I guess we’ll find out.

TLDR;

Here are some of the theories and questions I came up with based on the symbolism:

In order to be able to extinguish Cursed Techniques, Hana has to pay a price. What is that price?

As a “power nullifier”, what is Hana’s relationship to the Prison Realm?

Was Hana involved with the origin of Cursed Techniques?

Hana could be a character who pretends to have benign intentions but is not to be trusted

Hana might be a sorcerer like Sukuna, someone who has transcended her ego and human attachments. Therefore, she could be someone who has no regard for others

Hana may be familiar with Megumi’s Cursed Technique because Hana may have met one of Megumi’s ancestors in the past

Hana’s cursed technique may involve causing hallucinations as a form of mind control in order to extinguish other’s cursed techniques—the implications of this are that she can use someone else’s subconscious mind against them

Hana may use Megumi to execute God’s will or fate’s machinations

Who is “God” in JJK?

Hana is a harbinger of judgment day, whatever that means

Depending on whether Hana is meant to symbolize a Guardian Angel or a Fallen Angel, Hana may be interested in either upholding the status quo for her own benefit (think of “God” and the JJK-scheme of things as the status quo), or challenging God like Lucifer did

Phew. That’s quite a lot.

Literal picture of me any time I write a character symbol analysis:

Now, the thing to keep in mind is that I mentioned a bunch of tropes and symbols, but Gege has a tendency to subvert expectations. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t use the symbol’s meaning, but rather, that he has his own unique way of exploring the symbol’s expression.

Tropes and symbols are everywhere if we care to stop and look.

I like to think of symbols and tropes as coloring books. You have an outline defining a structure, but the way you color what’s inside the line is always unique to you.

The idea behind my symbol analyses is that symbols are universal and interpreting them can give us clues about the content of a character, a character arc, or a story in general.

Anyways, thanks for the ask, anon! I really enjoyed researching this and I am curious about how Gege is going to flesh out the symbols and how the story is going to unfold.

Thanks for your patience while I answered your ask, but the Kurusu Hana rabbit hole just kept on getting deeper and deeper and I have been super busy with work lately.

Happy JJK-Sunday!

#a to the q!#god I love jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen meta #jjk meta #kurusu hana #jujutsu kaisen analysis #jjk analysis #jujutsu kaisen theory #jjk theory #jujutsu kaisen spoilers #jjk spoilers #I swear these symbol analyses #always kick my arse #but I love doing them

60 notes · View notes

Last Seen Blogs

twinklingeverything

Sparkling.

spicykyla

Spirit & Spice

jikoous

pancake

thesesmalldelights

TheseSmallDelights

telugustories

TeluguStories