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the-bounce-back · 4 years

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26 LIFE LESSONS LEARNT IN 26 YEARS

So… ya girl turned 26 back in May. I had originally planned to post this the day after my birthday for maximum dramatics and symbolism, but here we are.

Yes, I am painfully aware that my birthday was over 4 months ago now, and yes, I have already been dragged to the moon and back by both myself and my friends for not finishing the post on time (it’s been chilling in my drafts since, like, late April)… so face your front and mind your business.

All jokes aside, these past months have been insanely chaotic for us all on both a personal level and global scale. Everyone and everything seems to have gone mad. A whole pandemic… having to literally fight for equal rights and justice in 2020... having to watch world leaders single-handedly destroy the countries that they themselves campaigned to govern... and on top of that, being forced to stay indoors and not being able to do whatever you want?! Sh*t, I’m even surprised that myself or anyone I know hasn’t been sectioned yet. This whole year needs to be put in rice, immediately.

I can’t lie, watching everything unfold these past few months - while struggling to come up with ways to entertain myself because of the constant negative news and energy drifting round and stifling my creativity - has had a massive toll on my mental health. Although my coping skills have become a lot better over the years, how in the hell was I (or any of us) meant to prepare for a year of constant chaos, death and revolt? No one could’ve seen it coming, and that’s why these circumstances have made me feel like my mental health has been dropkicked in the throat. We’re not built to be cooped up at home for so long, and we’re definitely not built to have to consume heartbreaking and traumatising media on a daily basis. No wonder so many people have been feeling like they’ve lost the plot.

On top of that, I’ve also been dealing with a lot of other things - because when it rains, it pours. Not being able to distract myself by doing fun stuff because of Corona has somehow given my subconscious the confidence to go absolutely apesh*t. This, in the sense that a lot of past situations I’ve forced myself to suppress over the years to be able to just function like a normal(ish) human being have managed to claw their way to the surface and demand my attention like a bunch of spoilt and crying toddlers. To put it in the least dramatic way possible, these feelings and memories have been killing my ~*vibe*~... like, a lot. Ya girl’s been going through it. It’s been particularly hard because I promised myself at the beginning of the year to work harder on not obsessing so much over past situations that I have no control over, but due to the circumstances I’ve forced myself to give myself a break and take each thought as it comes.

Yes, this is all very depressing - but despite everything, there have also been a lot of silver linings of this lockdown. Besides day drinking, chick flick marathons and chatting sh*t on facetime 24/7, having all this time to focus on my mental and spiritual health has definitely taught me a lot about myself. I genuinely feel positive and like this time of my life is needed to be able to grow and evolve when I’m not in that negative state of mind. These experiences coming back to the surface and demanding to be felt and dealt with may be hella exhausting, but I’ve definitely done this enough now to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that one day I’ll be able to fully make sense of it and fully heal. And when I finally have gotten to that stage, I will definitely write a few posts about it - because no one should feel like they have to deal with this level of headf*ckery alone.

Anyways, there you have it - another long-ass excuse for my lack of productivity. But hey, at least it’s valid.

Enough with all the dark sh*t - we have more than enough time to revisit that and other fun stuff in another post, don’t worry! Instead, let’s pretend that it’s still the day after my birthday, that I am editing this with a hangover while stuffing my face with leftover cake, that I am indeed capable of keeping personal deadlines and that I haven’t been AWOL for over a quarter of a year. Keep on reading for 26 big and small life lessons I’ve learnt along the way in this dunya, in no particular order. It’s going to be a very long one (tip: scroll and find the ones that resonate the most with you), so get cozy, put the kettle on and get some snacks or whatever.

1. You are still young - do not compare your journey to other’s.

Okay, so I’m definitely projecting with this one. When I turned 25 last year I had a bit (a lot) of a minor (major) existential crisis because I was very far from where I had always expected to be at 25 years old. Career-wise, fitness-wise, finance-wise and relationship-wise I just felt like a massive failure, and like from that moment on life would just go downhill. I made the mistake of comparing myself to my agemates and people younger than me, and seeing other people’s success when my own life was a mess didn’t exactly make it better.

For this year - despite me now being on the wRoNg side of 25 - I feel very calm and even happy about getting older, simply because I realised that my time will come and that everyone's journey is different. For this reason, comparing your progress to other’s doesn’t even make sense and just puts a load of unnecessary pressure on yourself. Be patient - all the work you’re putting in now will pay off soon.

2. Take time to reconnect with your ~*inner child*~.

I know, I know - it all sounds awfully hippy-dippy, but hear me out. In short, your inner child refers to the subpersonality that still feels, thinks and reacts as you did when you were younger, and reconnecting with that childlike aspect of yourself can be beneficial to your mental wellbeing and psyche for many different reasons.

The main reasons I have focused on reconnecting with my inner child in the past couple of years have been for a) learning how to tap into that creative, free and spontaneous nature I had as a kid before life got in the way; b) to heal wounds that occurred in my childhood that are still holding me back, and c) to reparent my inner child by unlearning toxic mindsets and behaviours that have had a negative impact on my life.

In terms of creativity, I remembered how much I used to love drawing and writing as a child, and returning to these passions as an adult has had such a massively positive impact on my mental health in ways that I can’t even begin to describe. Doing activities you used to love as a kid should really be considered acts of self-care, because the childlike joy and excitement that comes from it? Absolutely bladdy priceless.

Then there’s the dark and mildly traumatising side of reconnecting with your inner child. Revisiting and analysing what can be very emotionally painful memories is never going to be a delightful task - but trust me when I say that you have to push through it, regardless of how long it takes. There aren’t any shortcuts or detours involved when trying to heal a wounded inner child, so make sure that you are patient with yourself and take the time you need to heal.

All in all - regardless of if you’re trying to get your creativity flowing, trying to enjoy life more in general or trying to unpack almost a couple decades worth of trauma (my personal favourite!), setting aside some time to really reflect and remember your thoughts and feelings from way back then really does help make sense of your thoughts and feelings as an adult. I’ll even bet money that every single insecurity and doubt you may have about yourself can be traced back to something that happened during your childhood - which is why reconnecting with yourself at that age is imperative if you want to truly heal.

3. Be confident about your creative projects.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt in life so far is definitely understanding the fine line between confidence and arrogance. I can only really speak for myself - although I know that a lot of women can relate - but I was raised to be humble about a lot of my accomplishments. It got to the point where even the slightest self-acknowledgement of my talents made me feel like I was being arrogant, attention seeking and braggy, so for a long time I kept a lot of W’s and my pride in my work to myself. However, this is one of the aforementioned toxic mindsets that I’m currently working on unlearning - because if I don’t hype up myself and my talents, who will?

After speaking to friends about similar topics I get the impression that this reluctance to hype up our own creativity goes - in many cases - way back to a time during which we might not have had our creativity appreciated and validated as children. For me, this makes a lot of sense because I was extremely creative and had a very vivid imagination as a child, but I think somewhere along the way it got stifled by the pressure of making certain family members (who thought anything remotely right-brain stimulating was a waste of time) proud.

Anyways, it doesn’t matter anymore. Now that I’ve realised that my creative vision is a blessing, and that being confident in the quality of my work has nothing to do with being arrogant, you best believe that I will self-validate every single project I complete, and I hope you will do the same.

4. Love and take care of your body.

I mean this from both a body-image and health point of view. I spent way too many years of my life hating my body and hating looking different to literally everyone around me, and I’d be lying if I said that realising how damaging this self-hatred was doesn’t get me in my feelings from time to time. However, I have been able to get out of this mindset - for the most part - and can now appreciate that my body is beautiful, and that the perfect body I was always striving towards doesn’t even exist.

With that being said, it is important to remember that loving your body goes beyond self-acceptance... It also entails taking care of it through exercise and healthy eating.

I know, it sucks. I don’t make the rules.

I’ve definitely been struggling with being healthy during my 20s - partially due to my sweet tooth and partially due to comfort eating and other unhealthy coping methods when my mental health was at its worst. As expected, my initial reaction to the weight gain was piling even more self-hate and pressure onto myself, when I really should have been kinder and more understanding to myself during that time. I should have used exercise and healthy eating as a coping mechanism to get better, instead of forcing myself to lose weight in a harmful manner due to feelings of disgust for my body.

CoUlD’Ve, WoUlD’Ve, ShOuLd’Ve… Sigh. Hindsight really is 20/20. What’s important is that it’s never too late to start the self-love journey, and that your body is beautiful regardless of the form it currently happens to be in.

5. Know how to communicate effectively.

That is, with people who are genuinely worth your time and energy. No matter how good of a person you are, there will always be people that seem to be entirely committed to misunderstanding you, twisting your words and trying to make you out to be a bad person. Hell, you might even be that person in someone else’s life... whether you realise it or not (I reckon I probably am). Trying to communicate with someone that has no desire or intention of getting to a level of understanding with you is literally the most frustrating and draining task ever - which is why I no longer do it if I don’t have to. There’s literally no point, and I’m just exerting energy over someone that is probably enjoying the conflict - so why bother?

With that being said, learning how to respectfully disagree, give constructive criticism, set boundaries, resolve conflict, listen to and g-check the people that you do genuinely want in your life becomes more and more important with age. I’m definitely guilty of leaving things unsaid or unresolved in the past - due to fear of offending/losing friends that meant a lot to me at the time - but we’re aDuLtS now, guys. If we can’t talk without constantly having to sugarcoat things, are we even really friends?

The answer is definitely a resounding ‘no’ from me, and since adopting this mindset - along with knowing when to distance myself from people that are literal energy vampires - my life has been a lot more peaceful. 11/10, would recommend.

6. Eliminate fear of failure.

Obviously, no one wants to fail at anything. But I’ve genuinely found that my biggest L’s in life have been the most character building and taught me the biggest life lessons. Although it might be hard to see how the situation is making you evolve when you’re neck deep in the sh*t, once you get into the mindset that failing is a learning opportunity, you’ll see that your ego won’t be as wounded when things don’t work out the way you wanted them to.

Again, I can only speak for myself, but I feel like many of us with immense fears of failing at something were probably raised in environments in which failure was not an option and often followed by some kind of negative reaction (e.g. undermining of intelligence, disappointment, verbal abuse etc). I think that constantly associating failure with this kind of shame has made us terrified of making perfectly human mistakes. Mistakes that we wouldn’t pay any mind to if someone else were making, but that we beat ourselves up over - just because it’s us.

Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t know, man. Regardless, teaching myself that failure and making mistakes is okay and part of the process has made me feel a lot more secure in myself and my capabilities - simply because I now know that there aren’t any mistakes that are unfixable and it’s never that deep. At the end of the day, as long as I know in my soul that I’ve done my best, there’s really no need for negative self-talk.

7. Pick your battles.

I.e. don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s so wild to me that a couple short years ago I would let every minor inconvenience, disagreement and disappointment caused by others really get to me and ruin my day. Nowadays I have gotten so good at simply removing myself from situations and people that just bring negativity into my life, because honestly? The stress isn’t worth it. Life is so much more peaceful when you refuse to give energy to negativity and toxic/inconsistent people, and once I got past the feelings of guilt for not being so available to everyone it really became one of the best choices I ever made.

8. Be kind.

This one is a cliche and a no-brainer, but still very imperative. Remembering that literally everyone has their own sh*t going on - regardless of if they speak on it or not - is extremely important, especially in terms of us interacting with each other. Being kind, sensitive and respectful to others literally costs nothing, and positive energy has a tendency to be contagious.

Obviously (for me at least), this becomes a slightly different story when the person involved constantly allows whatever they are going through to affect the way they interact with you. Things like lashing out, self-isolation and self-destructive behaviours are all tell-tale signs that the issue isn’t with you and that you shouldn’t take it personally, but of course everyone has limits to how much they can empathise with these kind of behaviours. As someone that has been on both the receiving and giving end of this kind of behaviour, I’ve found that the best approach for me is to still be kind, but to love and support them from afar - simply because I know that I have a tendency to take things to heart when I’m not even the issue. The bottom line is to try your best to be kind and understanding, but also to know when to distance yourself from toxic behaviours that can end up taking a toll on you.

9. Process your feelings.

I definitely get it. Sometimes life throws sh*t at us that is a lot easier to just push to the back of our minds so we can stay focused on what we have going on at the time. But believe me when I say that whatever feelings you squash, ignore and push past now will come back to haunt you in the future.

Okay, so this sounds very dramatic and ominous. Your feelings aren’t going to take physical form and beat you up… however, it might feel like this is what is happening. Obviously this differs from person to person, but I’ve found that when I don’t allow myself time to process my feelings as soon as possible after they’ve been triggered, there is a risk of me being re-triggered and snapping again at a later stage - albeit at something wildly unrelated and minor. In other words, small small issues that pile up on top of negative feelings end up becoming the straw that breaks the camel’s back, the drop that spilled the glass, and whatever other corny and related sayings you can think of.

What I’m trying to say is that carrying around the weight of unresolved negative feelings takes a toll on you, no matter how resilient and ~*zen*~ you are. I have no doubt in my mind that carrying past negative feelings, trauma and pain for days, weeks, months and even years has detrimental effects on both your mental and physical health. There is a lot of research to explain this further, and I have also seen these effects on family members, friends and myself when times have been tougher than usual.

With that being said, it might sound like you’re screwed if you’ve gotten to this age and not learnt how to fully feel your feelings. I’ve been feeling that way for about five years now, I reckon. However, it’s never too late to strive for good mental health and to deal with unresolved feelings/trauma - once you get past the fear of being triggered by the bad memories, you soon realise that that’s all they are; they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them.

10. Be ‘selfish’.

So, we’re at that age now where - traditionally speaking - we’re sUpPoSeD to be looking to settle down. Get married, have kids, get a mortgage, be on a set career path… all of that adult stuff that always used to seem so far away, but is now heavily breathing down our necks and killing our vibes. It’s upsetting me and my homegirls, to be honest.

All jokes aside, there is nothing wrong with wanting these things for yourself at this age. However, my point is that millennials/Gen Z (especially women) are put under insane amounts of pressure in their twenties to have all their sh*t together - either by family or just society in general. Meanwhile, many of us are so riddled with anxiety, insecurities, unresolved trauma and lacking a sense of self due to constantly trying to please others and to not be a disappointment to the older generation that we don’t even know which way is up anymore. This is where selfishness comes in.

No, being selfish doesn’t mean to be an inconsiderate d*ck to everyone around you in this context - sorry to disappoint. I mean that it’s important that we take the time to slow down, not be so hard on ourselves and to focus on finding our own path, purpose, dream career etc on our own terms - not to please someone else. Now is the time to unpack your traumas, ~*find yourself*~, and unlearn any destructive mindsets and behaviours you’ve picked up during your childhood and teenage years. Now is the time to learn how to love and accept yourself fully. The way I see it, if you don’t make time for this, a happy, lifelong marriage and strong, healthy relationships with children you bring into the world (if that’s what you want) are a myth - simply because healthy relationships require inner peace. Even if you don’t see yourself going down the ‘traditional life plan’ route, this is still extremely important.

Times are changing; there is nothing wrong with doing certain things later in life if you’re not emotionally, mentally, physically or financially ready to deal with it… no matter what your parents/judgemental aunties/condescending uncles might try to tell you.

11. Take people at face value - not for their potential.

If I got a pound for every single time I’ve told myself this over the years, blatantly ignored it and then ended up getting hurt, I would’ve spent this entire lockdown at an all-inclusive luxury resort on a beach somewhere hot, instead of struggling in a germ-infested London. Honestly. I try not to get mad at myself for this, but it’s very hard not to because it ends up being a cycle that infinitely repeats itself in all my relationships (platonic, non-platonic and family) - leaving me feeling like Boo Boo the Fool for not listening to my intuition.

In my defense, I get myself into these situations because despite coming across as a sarcastic and heartless piece of sh*t sometimes, I genuinely do try to see the best in people and give them a chance to prove themselves as a good and positive influence in my life. This in itself isn’t the problem. The problem is that once I see even a molecule of potential in someone, I very easily latch on to that potential and become Stevie Wonder to the million red flags that pop up over time… and I don’t even realise how disrespected I’ve been until further down the line or long after the situation is over. I reckon that this insistence on riding for people that end up doing me dirty stems from knowing what it feels like to be given up on, or dismissed before even getting to prove myself. It’s a really, really sh*tty feeling, and I think I’m just wired to not want anyone to feel that way because of me.

In other words, my niceness and understanding/accommodating/empathetic qualities might be some of the best things about me - but they really invite sh*tty people to take advantage of me.

The bottom line is that despite wanting to push people to be their best selves, there really isn’t much you can do unless they want your help. Unfortunately, a lot of people would rather fake a desire to improve themselves instead of just saying that they don’t want help - simply because they enjoy the attention and the energy that they end up leaching from you while you’re worrying about them and their (non-existent) ambitions.It’s literally only recently that I’ve kind of figured out how to combat this, and now I see right through these type of people, and can cut them off with ease. Again - it’s all about protecting your energy, and making sure you only give it to people that are genuinely trying to improve and elevate themselves. You are not a charity - stop allowing useless somebodies to deplete your life force just because their own is clearly not enough to keep them motivated.

12. Be self-aware in a healthy and constructive way.

As you’ve probably gathered from reading this, I am insanely self-aware. I honestly don’t think there is a single negative thing someone could say about me or my character that I am not already trying to work on, or at the very least am aware of. Of course, being so in tune with myself for most of my life used to make me overanalyse everything I said and did - sometimes years after it happened - and I’d be so harsh, mean and critical towards myself for things that weren’t even that deep when I look back on them.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t think there’s a ‘cure’ for overanalysing and overthinking everything. Once you’re aware, it’s very hard to just stop - believe me, I’ve tried. But what I’ve tried my best to do instead is to flip my overthinking into something positive. By this, I mean that when I’m up at 4am and start to deep my whole life and everything I should’ve done differently, I try to focus on what I’ve learnt and how much I’ve grown from the situation, and how much of a better person going through that situation has made me. This is definitely something I’m still working on, since negative thought patterns that have been imposed on you from a young age are very hard to break. But what’s important is that I try, and it has definitely helped me be kinder to myself.

13. Don’t let feelings distract you from your goals.

More projection for ya headtops. Tantalising humans really just pop up out of nowhere when you least expect it sometimes, and when the connection is there it can become dangerously easy to get carried away and lose focus on your own goals. I’ve been very vocal about my opinion about how healthy relationships are meant to elevate and inspire you as opposed to stressing you out and holding you back, so this isn’t exactly anything new to those who have read my blog for a while.

With that being said… I get it. Meeting someone new is hella exciting - of course you want to make an effort and see how things go. It’s easy for me to come on here and say that you should make sure that you don’t go catching feelings for someone that wouldn’t want you to continue shining and flourishing in your lane while with them, but we all know that a) we can’t help who we fall for, and b) me saying so would make me the hypocrite of the millennium. I’m not sure how or why I manage to attract (and get attracted to) people that I later on down the line realise do more harm to my goals than good… but at least I’ve learnt a lot from those situations, and I’m a lot more picky about who I deem deserving of my time now.

14. Always make time for #self-care.

There’s not much to explain here besides reminding you that the world and everyone in it is mad, so taking time to yourself and doing something you know will make you feel better during a hard time (or even a simple time, let’s be real) is crucial in this life.

Get the takeaway. Buy the shoes. Do a cheeky face mask. Have your 3rd bubble bath of the week.

Life really is too short and too crazy to deny yourself the little pleasures, so do it and do it without any feelings of guilt. If you’re anything like me, I’m confident you’ll think of a reason for why you deserve it - no matter how ridiculous it may be.

15. Get comfortable with being alone with your thoughts.

Okay, so I feel like I’ve discussed this topic to death, so I won’t delve too deep into it here. Instead, I’ll just reiterate that learning how to just sit alone with your thoughts and feelings from time to time - especially at this age - is imperative for your mental health.

As important as it is to have genuine and supportive friends that you can open up to about your mental, it’s important to remember that there are always abstract thoughts and feelings lurking beneath the surface, that you couldn’t even put into words even if you tried. Regardless of if it’s unresolved feelings, suppressed traumas or an uneasy gut feeling/your intuition, some things just can’t be explained until you’ve been able to figure out where these thoughts are stemming from - and I firmly believe that this “detective work” needs to be done alone to be able to get to the root cause of the thought/feeling.

It goes without saying that delving deep into yourself to try to figure out what these thoughts/feelings mean can be a very intimidating and triggering task - so I fully understand why a lot of people struggle with facing this alone. To clarify, I am not saying that you shouldn’t turn to friends for support if you need it - I am saying that as great as your friends may be, they can’t read your mind and will never be able to do so. Only you can know for sure exactly what you’re thinking and feeling, and taking time alone to allow yourself to become in tune with your mind and understand yourself on a deeper level is the first step towards being able to put your feelings into words - and to be able to communicate them to others.

16. Don’t let fear of judgement stop you from doing whatever the hell you want.

This has been a major one for me the past couple of years. As I’m sure you know, regardless of what you do, say, wear or look, there will always be people - sometimes even complete strangers - who will have something snide to say in an attempt to discourage you from trying to do your thing. I’ve mentioned in previous posts how many hairstyle, outfit, blog and creative ideas that I’ve scrapped because of fear of being judged, and I try not to get annoyed with myself for caring so much - because it’s not my fault. I’m sure many of you will relate to being raised in an environment in which you were almost forced to conform to whatever was seen as a rEsPeCtAbLe lifestyle. If you didn’t, you’d be deemed a disruption to the status quo by others… which we were conditioned to believe was a terrible crime. Shock horror.

I’m here to tell you to not give a f*ck about their opinion - because who in the blue hell are they?

After being very concerned about what others think of me for most of my life, finally realising that judgement from others usually stems from their own insecurities, bitterness, jealousy or an otherwise tragic and unfulfilled existence came as a massive breath of fresh air. I even feel sorry for people that feel the need to insert their sh*tty little opinions into things I do, because I don’t even think they realise that it’s falling on deaf ears and blind eyes now. I’ve literally become Helen Keller to the nonsense now, because I don’t have time. And they’re wasting their energy. Poor things. I hope they get some rest soon.

With that being said, it does take time to get to a point of not being phased by judgement. A lot of time - for me, I’d say it’s been a couple of years. I still have a long way to go in regards to not being phased by judgement coming from people whose opinions I still care about too much (i.e. family members and other people I look up to), but the key for me was definitely baby steps.

17. Learn how to forgive.

As appealing as holding on to everlasting hatred towards someone that did you dirty sounds, trust me when I say that the best thing you can do for yourself in this kind of situation is to forgive them - or at the very least try. Carrying anger, hate and resentment in your heart is extremely emotionally draining, and let’s face it… the person in question is most likely sleeping soundly at night, at peace, snoring, drooling and having happy dreams about living rent-free in your head after all this time.

The thing about forgiveness, I’ve learnt, is that it doesn’t have to mean that suddenly everything is okay again, or that what they did somehow became erased overnight. Absolutely not. Instead, forgiveness has become a tool to give myself closure over a situation, letting myself accept that what happened happened and to reclaim my sanity after being angry about it for a long time. It’s for me and my mental health - not for the person that hurt me.

Additionally, it is important to remember that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you are now obliged to continue being nice and cordial with the person. If you’re on that level of maturity, honestly… you deserve all the accolades, because I don’t think I could ever do it. For me, most of the time the person in question won’t even know that they’ve been forgiven - and I like it that way. I just wish them the best from afar and keep it pushing once I’ve healed from the situation. Regardless of the choices you make in relation to your own situations, just make sure that you’re doing it for yourself and not out of consideration for the other person.

18. Understand that your ~*purpose(s)*~ may take time to become clear.

Bare in mind, this is coming from someone that still has no idea what the f*ck she wants to do with her life. Honestly, every year around my birthday I try to figure out why I’m even on this planet - and every year I think I have the answer before life comes and humbles me again.

While I’m not particularly interested in getting into existential questions regarding if life even has a purpose, I will say this - just keep doing your thing. Stay in tune with your emotional, spiritual and mental health so you can determine whether or not you feel you’re on the correct path for you. If you’re anything like me, you will feel in your heart when you’re not where you’re meant to be, regardless of if it’s a job, a new activity you’re trying out or even a relationship. If your gut feeling is telling you that something isn’t for you - don’t ignore it. Eventually you should get a fair gist of where you should be going and what you should be doing - even if the actual purpose in itself doesn’t become apparent until much later.

Or at least, this is what my theory is. As I said, I have no clue. But this is what I’m doing and it’s definitely been working.

19. Don’t feel forced to have a detailed life plan.

Don’t get me wrong here - having goals, plans and aspirations is extremely important. However, having your whole life planned to the minute just isn’t realistic. I have written about how I used to be extremely adamant on being in control of every single situation, and would have a minor (major) breakdown whenever plans changed in a way that I couldn’t affect.

Having a nervy b everytime something doesn’t work out in your favour is obviously a very counterproductive (and hella childish) coping mechanism - if you can even call it that. Nowadays, I just try to stay as open minded and flexible as possible whenever life feels like throwing me one of its cute little curveballs, so I can try my best to adapt to the situation and keep moving forward, as opposed to throwing all my toys out of the pram like a spoilt brat whenever a minor obstacle to my plans presents itself.

What’s more is that having a rigid life plan with hard deadlines for when you should’ve accomplished certain things leads to - in my experience - another unnecessary reason to start criticising yourself, which we at this point know is a waste of time, energy and just bad vibes in general.

Just relax. Honestly. You’re doing great, regardless of if you’re exactly where you want to be or not.

20. Put yourself first. Always.

I’ve touched on this multiple times in this post already, but I definitely feel like it deserves its own point. I also want to direct this specifically to women - although some of the gems of wisdom I’m about to drop can be applied to men too, I assume. I don’t really care if they don’t though, to be honest - everything else in this world is already for them, so I’m sure reading something that isn’t won’t kill them.

Sis. I know you are exhausted from being strong all the time - yet here you are, still standing and still fighting. For what it’s worth, know that whoever and wherever you are - I am extremely proud of you for constantly picking yourself up and dusting yourself off every time you are mistreated, disrespected and/or taken for granted.

But it shouldn’t be like that.

You may have been taught early in life to always put your own health, happiness, dreams and wellbeing to the side when needed to accommodate and support others - because that’s what women are mEaNt To Do. But this is so inherently f*cked up, wrong and unfair - it genuinely pisses me off whenever I think about it because it literally makes zero sense to me. It reinforces the notion that we only exist to serve, protect, help and satisfy others needs - whether it be in a family setting, at work or in relationships… almost as if we aren’t human beings with feelings.

Yeah… f*ck that. Call it tough love, but I really need you to grow a back bone right now. Too many times have I personally felt/heard about us feeling the need to bend over backwards for people that do nothing to help or protect us from the pains that life can bring, so clearly you need to be there for your own damn self. Think about it - that ex/potential/fwb/mcm that you’ve spent so many sleepless nights obsessing, crying and worrying about, and that you tried so hard to keep satisfied to the point of mental, emotional and physical exhaustion - where are they now? Living rent free in your head and almost definitely not thinking about you.

Yes, I am a little heated. Yes, I am projecting. And yes, if I ever catch you placing a mans needs and feelings over your own, you will catch these hands because clearly you haven’t been listening.

All jokes aside and as cheesy as it sounds - you are a queen, and I need you to step into your power right now. I want so much better for you, and you can’t get better until you fix your priorities. Your focus should always be on protecting your heart and mental/spiritual health - regardless of the situation you find yourself in. It is 100% possible to nurture and care for others without giving up your sense of self and power, so please, please, please find a balance that empowers and benefits you, and you alone.

21. Learn how to practice detachment.

I have plans to write a post about this in depth in the near future, so I won’t delve too deep into it here. In short, detachment refers to the practice of severing ties to people, feelings and memories that may have meant a lot to you for a long time and had a major impact on your life, but that you now realise are toxic and are holding you back from moving forward and growing as a person. Essentially, it is all about forgiving, forgetting, letting go and moving on from whatever hurt that may still be lingering long after the situation is over - and never bringing it up again.

Sounds great right?

Wrong. Detachment f*cking sucks - but it is extremely important. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I naturally hate giving up on people and I tend to obsessively reflect on past situations. I try to convince myself that all this reflecting and overthinking is helping me heal - which it has, to a certain degree - but the honest truth is that it takes up a lot of time in the present. It’s emotionally exhausting and time consuming. Detachment, on the other hand, basically forces you to not even acknowledge the past pain and hurt someone has caused you, and placing all your focus on the present and the future… so this is naturally a very hard task for me.

With that being said, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not going to be easy for anybody. Reaching a level of emotional maturity in which you can completely disregard the pain someone that meant a lot to you has caused you really sounded impossible to me at first - especially mixed with the complicated feeling of not wanting to “abandon” the person that hurt you. But I’ve been working on this very hard during the lockdown, and I can confirm that after doing it for a while you begin to realise that the situation's power over you is entirely determined by the importance you attach to it. Once you learn how to remove that importance and your emotions from the equation, you’re one step closer to being able to truly move on.

Anyways. Stay tuned for a post about this because there is a lot to unpack.

22. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

This is another one I struggle with a lot, because who wants to feel like a weak-ass b*tch who can’t manage on her own? Not I, said the cat.

All jokes aside, I think many of us can relate to not wanting to bUrDeN our friends and family with our struggles and problems, simply because we’re now at an age where everyone has their own lives to tend to and figure out. No one wants to feel like they’re being annoying, or feel stupid and paranoid about being judged because they can’t figure their own sh*t out (more projection for ya!).

I’ve really been working hard to get rid of the notion that asking for help has anything to do with intelligence or capability, but it’s very difficult to do so when you’ve been raised in an environment where admitting that you can’t manage to do something alone was often equated with not trying hard enough, or not being smart enough. Asking for help was seen as a weakness and a last resort, and I’d often feel ashamed to admit that I was struggling with something.

The funny thing is that while I apply all these rules about not burdening/disturbing people with my problems to myself, I’d literally drop everything in a nanosecond to help a friend out if I could. I’ve noticed this a lot with my friends, too - we’re reluctant to ask for help, but always there for each other if needed. This if anything proves that the fear of being judged/annoying is all in our heads, and that we should be kind enough to ourselves to allow ourselves to be helped from time to time. Yes, everyone wants to be that superwoman/man that has all their sh*t together - but the reality is that we are all human, and life can be very brutal at times. Surrounding yourself with people that care about you and want to see you win is key - and although allowing yourself to lean on someone else from time to time might take a little (a lot) of pride-swallowing, I promise that you will feel better once you’ve shared the load of your problems.

23. Don’t let past experiences poison current friendships.

This is quite possibly the biggest challenge for me right now, and I’m literally only just beginning to get better at this. I’ve mentioned multiple times that my overly empathetic and accommodating personality has attracted a lot of sh*tty “friends” over the years, and for the longest time I blamed myself and thought there was something wrong with me for constantly allowing people to treat me so poorly. As a result of this, I developed hella trust and abandonment issues.

I genuinely didn’t even realise how much these experiences had f*cked me up until I started taking my mental health seriously, and realised how much I had closed myself off emotionally to protect myself. I also realised that I - very unfairly - projected my trust issues onto people in my life that have done nothing but be kind and caring towards me, simply because I allowed myself to be so blinded by the past and assumed that they would do me the same way. I’m honestly just grateful that my closest friends could see through the front I put up and didn’t give up on me, because whew… they really didn’t need to.

The point I’m trying to make is that while it’s very natural to be afraid of being hurt, betrayed and disappointed again, you can’t live your life thinking that everyone is against you - simply because it isn’t true. Yes, it’s very hard to rebuild your trust and confidence in people again... but going through life being paranoid that everyone is against you is just setting yourself up for loneliness and bitterness, and we don’t want that. Again, what’s worked best for me here is working on detachment from the past, and learning to not feed into the feelings of paranoia that arise from time to time. It will take time, but you definitely owe it to yourself to allow good people into your life properly.

24. Step out of your comfort zone more often and just have fun.

Let me be very clear and say that I’m not encouraging anyone to jump out of an airplane - although that would definitely be a massive step outside of anyone's comfort zone. But what’s life without a little thrill?

Regardless of if it’s as extreme as launching yourself off a cliff and placing all your trust in a flimsy elastic band, or as simple as just trying a new activity or restaurant, life becomes so much richer and more fun when you do something you wouldn’t normally do. It genuinely nourishes and stimulates your right brain - which for me is a much welcomed break from life having to be so f*cking serious all the time.

It also boosts your confidence to try even more new things, and that’s when life starts to get a bit more interesting. Live it up, b*tch!

25. Make happiness your priority.

Right, so I appreciate that not everyone will agree with this - and that’s okay. You’re entitled to your wrong opinion. I’ve been very open about the mental health struggles I’ve had since my teens, and about the various unhealthy coping methods I’ve tried to deal with it. However, I’ve found that the best way of coping is very simple:

Just do what makes you happy.

Honestly, it’s that easy. A lot of people - myself in the past included - feel a lot of pressure to give their life meaning and purpose by using something outside of themselves to define them as a person. When I was younger that thing was sports, and after uni I thought I’d find happiness from pursuing the career I thought that I wanted. However, I realised a couple years ago that attaching the concept of happiness to an external factor will constantly just make you feel like it’s just beyond your reach - and when you finally reach the goal that you swore would make your life happy and fulfilled, you’re just left with an underwhelming feeling of “...is this it? Surely there must be more to life than this?”

For this reason, I wholeheartedly believe that true happiness stems from inner peace, accepting the past and simply just pursuing things in life that sits right with your mental health and spirit. Building happiness from within sets you up to be confident that you will be fine no matter what life throws at you, and will make you truly unf*ckwithable.

With that being said, I fully understand how it can be easy to equate our obsession with reaching career/life/relationship/fitness/etc goals to happiness, but let’s say for argument's sake that you do reach every single of your goals that you think will bring you joy. When the pride and elation of accomplishing these goals wears off, are you genuinely happy? Or do you realise that your inner battles are still there, and that the part of your brain that was so focused on accomplishing this goal now just feels… empty and idle?

Okay, so that got a little depressing - but these are questions that I highly recommend you ask yourself. Chances are that you realise that while having goals and ambitions are important, they’re all air if you’re not genuinely happy on the inside.

If there was a one-size-fits-all path to happiness, I would share it here. But unfortunately, the path to happiness is highly personal - only you can determine what will bring you inner peace and alignment. Personally, I started with reconnecting with my childhood self to remind myself what made me feel happy before life started getting serious, and went from there - maybe that could work for you, too.

26. Understand that everything will fall into place at the time it’s meant to.

I put this one at the end because I feel that it summarises all points very nice-like. It’s extremely easy to get caught up in how you think life is supposed to be like at this age, and even easier to fall into a depressed state when you deep how far away from this ideal you might be. As someone that has had the importance of an established career, rigid life goals and living up to others’ expectations rammed down my throat at a young age, I’ve always had this unsettling feeling that I’m running out of time to accomplish what I need to accomplish in this life - and I’m only 26.

What’s helped me a lot with this unsettling feeling is taking time to ground myself, take a deep breath and reflect on how far I’ve come, as opposed to how far I still have to go. I also force myself to remember that as long as I’m constantly in tune with myself and gently pushing myself to evolve and mature, I’m already winning.

You will find happiness. You will find love. You will reach every single goal that you’ve set for yourself. You will overcome whatever internal battle you’re currently fighting. You will feel like yourself again. You will receive every single blessing you’re waiting for - as long as you’re willing to put in the work and understand what is right for you and your mental/emotional/spiritual health.

It may take longer than you want it to, but it’s important to remember to enjoy the journey and learn from your mistakes. As uncomfortable as it may be to accept that no amount of control and planning can predict life’s twists and turns, allowing yourself to trust that the universe will give you everything you need at the right time is extremely empowering and calming.

Keep doing your thing, and you will reap the rewards in due time.

So, there you have it. If you read the entire post from start to finish, you deserve all the accolades because at the time of posting this, even I haven’t read it all in one go. I hope that you found something that resonated with you and will help you navigate through the f*ckeries in this life easier than before.

Anyways. Happy belated birthday to me, I guess. I can’t wait to never do a post like this again!

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #opinions #Empowerment #selflove

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huntertales · 7 years

Text

Part Four: Playing Devil's Advocate. (99 Problems S05E17)

Episode Summary: Sam, Dean and the reader are outnumbered by demons, but are saved at the last minute by townspeople who are aware of the apocalypse. They meet a pastor, who introduces them to his daughter Leah, whom he claims is a prophet. When she starts turning the townspeople against each other in the name of the Lord, the Winchester and the reader realize they must kill her. Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader Word Count:3,314

Previous Part | Supernatural Rewrite Masterlist

Note: Normally I don’t post two updates in one night, but I got done early with this one. (And I couldn’t find a better gif. So here’s a stressed out Sammy.)

Your name: submit What is this? // <![CDATA[ function replaceAll(find, replace, str) { return str.replace(new RegExp(find, 'g'), replace); } function myHandler() { var input = document.getElementById("inputTxt").value; document.body.innerHTML = replaceAll('Y/N', document.getElementById("inputTxt").value, document.body.innerHTML); } // ]]>

Who knew taking down a whore could be such painful work. The brothers were in their own motel room taking care of Cas and David, you were lying in bed with a dampened towel across your head, the warmth helping your small concussion that you must have gotten after getting your head hit a few times. You tried your hardest to make yourself relaxed as you kept your eyes closed to block out the dim fluorescent light coming from the lamp on the nightstand next to the bed. You would have taken some painkillers, but you had given what Cas didn't down to David. If you weren’t as tense like you were right now, sleep would be the easiest thing to come to you. But every muscle felt tense, like you were on edge with a constant anxiety that you couldn’t shake off. You let out a deep sigh as you tried to focus on something that made you happy. Yet it didn’t work. Your mind kept replaying the image of Dean killing Leah and how he managed to have done it without saying yes to Michael. This wasn’t good. It ruined your chances of stopping this.

A soft knock on the door caused you to jump away from your thoughts and back to the reality of the situation. You opened your eyes and called for whoever was on the opposite side of the door to go away, you weren't in the mood for company. But it seemed they didn't want to listen. You lifted your head up slightly from the pillow when the door cracked open slightly, just a second later, you were greeted by a face you thought didn’t want to see you. It was Dean. You pushed yourself up to a sitting position as the cloth fell from your head and down to your lap. Both of you had spent some time away from one another to process the outcome of this situation. You knew it would be only a matter of time before you had to talk about what happened.

“Mind if I come in for a minute?” He asked, you nodded your head. You moved your legs so they were crossed together, giving the man some room as he awkwardly walked around the room until he sat on the bed just a few feet apart from one another. Things between the both of you had been tense from the horrible things you said to one another. But the both of you couldn’t stay mad at one another for too long. Not with so many other things going on. He decided to start the conversation with something a bit easy. He reached out a hand to lightly brush a piece of hair out of your face, wanting to take a closer inspection of the cut on your forehead. “How’s your head feeling, sweetheart?”

“Still hurts like a bitch.” You admitted, shrugging your shoulders as you placed the towel back to your forehead when a pounding sensation began again at the mention of it. You shut your eyes for a moment as you winced slightly in pain from a piercing sensation that lasted only for a moment before going back to a dull thud. “But it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

Your eyes opened when you heard the sound of something rattling in a bottle. Dean had come bearing gifts from what he was holding. Your lips stretched into appreciation at what you saw, a bottle of aspirin and some water. "Found some extra in the car. Thought you could use them more than Cas." He said. You mumbled a thank you as you grabbed the bottle from him, You twisted off the top and tossed a few in your mouth before taking a sip of water, giving Dean a chance to speak without you to interrupt him. "Y/N, there's something I wanna say...I was a dick to you. I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. And for that—”

"No, I'm sorry." You cut him off, shaking your head for what he was trying to do. You said some pretty nasty things that you felt could never touch what he mentioned, because it was all the truth. You put him down in the time of need when he was losing himself in the fight. Never did you take to consider his feelings and lack of hope for this situation. It was grim for all of you. But sometimes it didn't hurt to try and listen to one another before you said something stupid. "I didn't mean those things about your mom. I don't know what I was thinking. It was a total low blow. I mean it. If I could take it back, I would. Not to mention the whole Lisa thing. God, I hate myself just thinking about it. I feel like a complete bitch—”

“No, you’re right.” Dean agreed with you on that point. You stopped your rambling to look at the man sitting across from you, a slightly surprised look started to spread across your face. While there had been hints here and there about Dean and his quest for a happy life, you didn't think it would have been lead by a woman he spent a weekend with almost ten years ago. He reached out his hand to take ahold of yours and gave it a squeeze. "The djinn case got me thinking. I mean, I'll be honest, I wanted to stay there forever. You were so happy...you were my wife. The idea of settling down and having a couple rugrats didn't seem so bad."

Dean smiled slightly as he almost looked happy for a moment of time when he looked at you, almost as if he was still trying to find the woman in your facial expression. But she wasn't there, it was just you staring back at him. The feeling didn't last long as he continued on talking. "I buried it away for a while. Then Lisa came along again. And when the idea that Ben might have been mine changed something in me. I wanted that so badly. I wanted the chance to try and somehow have a part of my family that isn’t screwed to Hell.” He shrugged his shoulders as he tried his hardest to keep his composure. “Lately it’s all I’ve been thinking about.”

“You know it’s never going to happen.” You whispered the painful truth.

“I know, Y/N.” Dean agreed with you in a solemn tone. I know.”

"...At least, not with me.” You said, saying something that caught the man off guard. You let out a quiet sigh as you reached out your arms so you were now holding both of his hands with your own. Dean furrowed his brow from what you were trying to say. You opened your mouth, but the words that you wanted to say didn’t come out, they were stuck on your tongue, like they were desperately trying to cling to an ideal life that would never happen. Dean’s perfect life couldn’t be obtained if you were stuck to his side and letting fate dragging you down a path that would only doom everyone. So, you took baby steps with it to approach the bitter topic. "I know you love. And I love you, too. But...I can't give you what you need. Not the way Lisa can.”

“What are you exactly trying to say here, sweetheart?’ Dean cautiously asked you. He didn’t want to hear the answer just as much as you didn’t want to say it.

"I don't want to be with you anymore." You forced yourself to say the words that had been sitting in the dark parts of your mind. While you had rehearsed them in your head with a strong tone, they came out shaky and with a weak tone. You looked away when Dean was caught off completely by surprise. He was feeling so down, he came here to apologize and try to work things out, but you just pushed him down deeper. And you were only making things worse the more you kept on talking. “I don't think either one of us really loved each other. You wanted me because I was normal, and I loved you because you made me feel safe. And look at how we're ending up."

Dean stared at you like you had just told him the worst thing ever possible, and in his mind, you had just did. He said those things in anger about your relationship being a sham, a waste. But to hear it come out of your mouth made it feel like you had ripped his heart out and stomped on it, making him feel everything. “Well, here I thought I was being the dramatic one.” His tone was sharp as a knife as he roughly yanked your grip away from his as if you were poison to him. His lips stretched into a forced smirk as he stared at you with eyes glazed over. You sank down into the bed when you realized you might have pushed him over the edge to the point of no return from what he said next. “Like you said, we’re supposed to be in this together. I was angry about what I told you. I was stupid. I need you just as you need me, Y/N. I love you—”

“No, you don’t. You just want someone who will tell you that everything is going to be okay. I can’t do that anymore.” You said. Dean scoffed as he got up from the bed and started to slowly pace around, as if he was debating with himself about leaving. But he remained as he was. “You know it’s the truth, Dean. Even if we find a way to stop Lucifer...I won’t be here. So why waste your time with me if there’s something else better out there?”

"Because fighting is kind of—you know what? I don't care. You want it that way? Fine." Dean said, changing his thought process without giving much more of a fight. He threw his hands up in the air with defeat as he walked to the motel door. His last words that would be spoken to you were witnessed with his back turned to you. "I give up. With you, with everything."

You winced at the slamming of the door that made your entire room shake from his violent outburst. You slowly tore your gaze away from the the door and to the floor where your two measly bags of clothes laid zipped up, waiting for you to grab them. But the sight was beginning to grow hazy as you could feel yourself at the brink of tears. It wasn't pushing Dean away that was making you emotional, or the thought of pushing him into the arms of another woman. (If that were even possible.) But it was the fact that you couldn't give him a goodbye that he deserved or kiss him one last time. You and him were over. And you had to come to terms with that.

At the dead of night, you were gone, nothing but a simple not explaining things for the brothers and Cas of what you were about to do. When they read it, you would already be halfway across the state.

+ + +

It was a few days after leaving when you managed to track her down. You had to admit, the neighborhood that she chose was sweet, it reminded you a lot of home. It was sweet and safe. You inhaled a deep breath as you looked over at the passenger's seat to see the envelope with her name written in neat cursive was waiting for you to deliver it. You licked your lips and forced yourself to reach out for it and grabbed it. But that was far as you made it before you froze up in fear. What the hell were you actually doing? Here you sat alone in a car you stolen, sitting right across Lisa Braden's house with a letter addressed to her. Why didn't you just knock on her door and ask if she just wanted to take your leftovers. But that wasn't it. There was so much more to it than Dean would ever understand.

Inhaling a deep breath, you forced yourself to get out of the car and walk across the street. You spotted a crisp white mailbox with her house number on it. Without a moment of hesitance, you opened it up and slipped it into the slot without anyone noticing. When she would check the mail tomorrow afternoon, she would find the letter, explaining everything without the detail. So when Dean showed up on her doorstep a few months from now, it wouldn't be a shock. You walked back to the car and sat back down in the driver's seat. You were doing this for Dean, you kept telling yourself. He deserved a chance of happiness that you couldn't give him. Your grip around the steering wheel tightened to the point where you almost thought your fingers would break off.

You reminded yourself once more that you never really loved Dean—it was just how fate wanted things to be.

+ + +

Dear Lisa,

You might not know me, but I know you. We have a friend in common, his name is Dean Winchester. (And I realize as I write this out about how creepy this sounds. Let me explain myself.) My name is Y/N Y/L/N, I'm his girlfriend. Or...by the time you're reading this, his ex. I know it's weird. Why would I be leaving you a letter and telling you this information? Because you and I have something else in common. I think you know Dean is a special man. He doesn't let many people in, especially not women. Both of us have made an impact on his life for the better. I'll be honest, when I first heard about you, I was a bit jealous from the way that he spoke about you. But after getting to know you, I realized what was so great about you. You have something that I could never give him. And that’s a happy life.

When he first met Ben, he was instantly taken back to see how much he could he see himself in your son. You have a great kid, Lisa. He’s sweet, smart and a lot like Dean. And if I have learned anything in life, it’s that family isn’t about blood. It can be with anyone if you let them into your life. I hope you will do that if Dean knocks on your door.

I wish I could tell you more about myself. But I don’t have much time. I’ve known Dean since I was literally born. (And yes, I’m using the terminology right. He’s been at my side since I was a baby. Him and I have been through thick and thin. All though, I know my time's up. Hopefully it will be your turn to share the rest of your life with him in blissful happiness with Ben. Maybe even have a child together. I don’t know. Just treat him right.

In the next upcoming days the news will be filled with disastrous things that will scare you, but don't worry. You and your son are going to be okay. Including Dean. I have a few friends that I am going to make some arrangements with so that, worst case scenario, all of you will be happy. And most importantly, safe. I wish I could have met you again in different circumstances, but this will have to do. I wish you the best for you and your son.

Your friend, Y/N Y/L/N.

P.S. Please take good care of Dean.

+ + +

You arrived at your destination a week after leaving the brothers and making sure you left a trail nobody could track. You were given the information that he'd been spending his time in some bar in the middle of nowhere. After getting exiled from home, he was down on his luck, lost and begging for a chance to prove himself again. That’s where you came in. You walked into the bar and looked around on this early afternoon to see there was nobody here except for a lonesome drinker at the bar at one end, at the other sat exactly who you wanted. Heading over to the bar, you nodded your head to the bartender, giving your drink over as you took a seat next to him on one of the empty stools. He kept himself looking down at his half empty glass of whiskey, lost in his own thoughts of self pity.

“Oh, how the mighty have fallen.” You turned your head to look at Zachariah, your lips stretching into a smirk at how he looked at you with a surprised expression, caught off guard from how you had tracked him down. Before he could make some sort of snarky remark, you cut him off. “I heard from a friend you’re looking a way to get this ‘end of the world’ situation back on track. Why don’t I buy you another round and we can talk about the bigger, better version?”

“You’ve fought me tooth and nail to make sure it didn’t happen. Now all of a sudden you show up here trying to strike a conversation up with me? Get lost. Thanks to you and your little maggot friends, I’m out of the game for good.” Zachariah gestured to how he was handling his unemployment as he took another sip of his drink until there was nothing left. "No dice.”

“Not my fault you couldn’t make two measly humans say ‘yes,’ Zach.” You couldn’t help yourself but rub salt into the wound from seeing him at this point in his very long life. The angel stared at you from the corner of his eye with the least amused expression. “Look, I come here in peace. I did some soul searching and I changed my mind. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.”

“That ship sailed a long time ago.” Zachariah muttered as he took another sip of his drink. “I’m done with this apocalypse business.”

"What if I told you I promised Lucifer to be his vessel?" You caught him off guard, making the angel choke down his drink from hearing the news. It seemed that ou had gotten his full attention from what you said, giving you the chance to discuss what you were here for. "Let's say we scratch Dean out of the picture, too. I have someone in mind about who could play Michael.”

“And does your little boyfriend know you’re playing with the big kids?”

"What would you say if I told you that I could make sure Michael won?"

Zachariah looked at you with a bit of a skeptical look, “I’ll tell you that’d be impossible.”

"When I was possessed by Lilith I had full control over myself. But I chose not to fight it. Now, if you make me a full demon, I could have a shot of throwing the fight." You said, trying to theorize of what might be possible. "I know it'd be impossible, but it's worth a shot. Don't you think?"

Zachariah shrugged his shoulders as he turned around in his chair to lean his elbow against the bartop and stare at you. The wheels in his head were turning as he thought more about your plan. It was pretty ingenious, he wondered why he hadn’t thought of himself. There was one more Winchester he could use to his advantage. And with the help of Heaven, it wouldn’t take too much effort to do exactly what he wanted.

“Does your father know you’re working with the enemy?”

“I won’t tell him if you don’t.”

Rewrite Taglist:

@deansquirreljerkwinchester@lotsofspnshitposts@everything-i-tried-was-taken@starswirlblitz @albot-e@supernaturalismydrug @we-are-band-sexuals@angiewinchestercas@kaylinfayezink@owhatshername1@kgbrenner@princessofhorrors@cleo-is-my-doggy @eeyore1988 @dakota-dream (Message me if you would like to be added!)

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spacs · 7 years

Text

staring through

Archive of Our Own Link Rating: Mature Archive Warning: Major Character Death Fandoms: Final Fantasy XV Relationships: Noctis Lucis Caelum/Ignis Scientia Language: English

Summary: Ignis had accepted his loss of sight a long time ago. It had been over ten years, and he’d grown used to the darkness. But he had never hated it more than when Noctis returned.

Notes: This turned into a monster that I was utterly not expecting. This is the product of about three days of writing and multiple previews posted. This is the longest thing I've written in years. @thekingmagic's kind words kept me writing it because I got stuck multiple times. So here it is. My first big step into this FFXV fanfiction hell. Glad to be here.

Ignis had accepted his loss of sight a long time ago. It had been over ten years, and he’d grown used to the darkness. He could find his way around almost without help now. He’d taken up cooking again, and his fighting skills had returned with practice. He hunted daemons, made meals, and took care of himself just like he used to. He was used to being blind now.

But he had never hated it more than when Noctis returned.

He couldn’t see Noctis with his own eyes. He didn’t get to have a moment where he turned around and there was his king. Noctis had to announce himself and Ignis had to trust his ears to hear his voice. But he didn’t get to see.

Prompto tugged on his arm and Ignis smiled, glancing at him, but his attention was immediately diverted to the direction of Noctis’ short greeting. His chest felt tight and his stomach lurched at the sound of Noctis’ voice. It was deeper, raspy like he’d just woken up. Noctis was older, just like they were. Ten years had passed and Ignis would never get to see how Noct had grown. “You kept us waiting,” he replied. It wasn’t sufficient.

There was a long pause and Ignis wondered briefly if he’d said something upsetting. Then a hand landed on his shoulder. He started for a moment, then turned to the direction of the presence beside him. “Not like I wanted to,” Noct’s voice sounded softly and clear. There was a sad smile in his voice and Ignis wanted to reach out to him. He felt grounded with that hand on his shoulder. It felt like Noctis was really here, instead of one of the floating voices around him. He had never forgotten the face of his king. His own face, Gladio’s face, Prompto, Cindy, Iris… all faded and blurred memories. Noctis’ face he could remember with clarity. It haunted his dreams and his waking hours for ten years. He suspected it would haunt him for the rest of his life.

All he could picture now was a twenty year old Noct standing next to him – not quite carefree, but less burdened. The hand, however, felt heavy. Noctis squeezed his shoulder briefly before dropping it and Ignis knew from the touch alone that the king was no longer the same twenty year old. He carried something far heavier, the weight of a man, no longer a boy, who had a destiny fast approaching.

They took time at Hammerhead to sit together and talk. Ignis placed himself next to Noctis as Gladio and Prompto told him about the last ten years. He chimed in every now and then to add or correct something, but otherwise remained quiet. With his sight gone, his other senses were heightened and he was more aware of Noct’s presence beside him than ever. It was sadly unfamiliar to him, unlike Gladio or Prompto, and that fact made his heart ache. Had he changed so much that he and Noct might never be the same? Had Noct changed too much?

When they made camp the next night – if it could be called that given the constant darkness – Noctis revealed the gods’ plan for him and Ignis realized he wouldn’t have the time to become familiar with Noct’s presence again.

Ignis stayed by the fire while the others went off to bed. He stared into the flames, the only thing he could even remotely see. He never lost the ability to sense light, not that it mattered much in the world they lived in right now. The sounds of the fire crackling and the wind blowing softly around the camp soothed him and he momentarily forgot about the impending grief the next day would bring. Gladio’s snores sounded from within the tent and with his lids shut he could almost pretend like he was ten years younger. They’d made camp for the night on their way down to Galdin Quay after a long day of hunts. Prompto was rifling through his pictures while Gladio slept beside him, choosing his favorites and discarding the ones that didn’t turn out properly. Noctis would already be asleep, quiet and peaceful, even though he’d taken an hour long nap in the Regalia just a short while ago. He was outside of the tent, putting away dinner plates and planning the meal for the morning before joining his friends in rest.

But when his eyelids opened he was still surrounded by darkness.

He sighed deeply and put his head in his hands, removing his glasses. Tomorrow he would lose Noctis – for good this time. The world would be saved, but his world would always remain dark. His world would be gone.

“Can’t sleep?”

Immediately Ignis sat up, self-consciously wiping at his eyes despite the lack of tears. He put his glasses back on, and turned his head opposite from Noctis’ voice. “Haven’t tried yet,” he admitted.

The chair next to him moved as Noctis sat down, scratching on the rock beneath it as it was moved closer to him. “Ignis,” Noctis murmured.

He didn’t have to say anything else. Ignis knew what he was looking for. “I’ll be fine, Noct,” he replied, trying his best to sound reassuring. He turned his head towards Noctis now, hoping he didn’t look as disheveled as he feels. “Thank you for your concern.”

Silence. Ignis could feel Noctis’ eyes on him and suddenly felt embarrassed. He wasn’t sure how presentable he was right now and could now feel the press of his clothing against his skin, the awkward way his glasses sat on the bridge of his nose. Were they askew? Was his shirt too tight? Prompto always reassured him that he looked good, but he could only take another’s word for it. He pushed a hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s impolite to stare,” he said.

“Sorry,” Noct replied and Ignis could hear in his voice that he was startled to be caught. “I just… I’ve never really looked at the scars before.”

Ignis winced, reaching up to scratch his cheek. “Ah,” he hummed quietly. “I’ve never seen them myself. I once asked Prompto to describe them to me. I gather they’re rather ghastly.”

Noctis didn’t reply. Ignis heard the chair moved closer to him until Noct’s knees brushed against his so they were sitting directly in front of each other. “I’m sorry,” Noctis said firmly.

That was surprising. “Noct?” Ignis raised an eyebrow, moving his head towards Noctis’ voice.

“This is ten years too late but I’m sorry,” he repeated, his voice steadfast. “I put my own pain and grief before you and that wasn’t fair. I wasn’t there for you.”

“That’s hardly your fault,” he replied gently. “You were taken by the Crystal. You didn’t have the choice—”

“Before that,” Noctis interrupted. He felt closer than before, but Ignis couldn’t be sure. Instinctively he sat back, trying to put distance between them should there be a need. “Before the Crystal. After Altissia. You were in pain and all I could focus on was myself. I’m sorry, Ignis.” He sounded desperate and there was a slight break in his voice.

“You needn’t apologize, Noct,” Ignis told him. “Lady Lunafreya had just passed. Grief takes time. I don’t blame you nor am I angry with you.”

“You should be. I had weeks to mourn Luna, but you were right there. You were hurt but you were still there for me.” Noctis put a hand on his knee and Ignis shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “After everything you’ve done for me, I treated you terribly and I’m sorry.”

Ignis swallowed. “There is nothing to forgive,” he said lowly. “I grieved with you. Then after, I grieved for you. And I will grieve for you again soon.” He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out. His hand made contact with Noctis’ arm, and he put his hand securely around it. “I am here because of you – I am here for you, Noct. Don’t waste the time we have left ten years in the past.” He wanted to add something but the simple words of I missed you didn’t seem to cover all that he was feeling.

Noctis removed his hand from Ignis’ knee and for a breath, he thought he’d said the wrong thing. But then fingers brushed his cheek, then moved to the skin beneath his spectacles. Without a word, Noct hesitantly nudged at the glasses, a silent question in the gesture. When Ignis did not object, he felt Noctis put his fingers around the stems and pulled them from his face. He closed his eyes, tilting his head down.

He could hear Noctis breathing, a quiet, sharp intake of breath. “Ignis…” was all that was whispered. Noct brought his hand under Ignis’ chin, lifting his face carefully to get a better look at him. When he did not object, Ignis felt fingers lightly brush underneath his eye where Prompto told him the largest scar was. Noctis delicately ran his fingers across the marred skin, tracing the pattern of the scar along the edges. Ignis couldn’t stop the sigh that escaped his lips.

“It’s impolite to stare,” he breathed his earlier words so quietly he was unsure if Noctis would even hear him.

There was no reply this time. The hands on his face, much to his disappointment, were removed. He started to follow up his statement to show that his intent was not to get Noctis to stop, but was interrupted by hands on his own. He let his arms go loose and he followed where Noctis guided his hands. The skin he felt against his palm was rough and scratchy with hair. It took a moment for him to realize that this was Noctis’ cheek. “Highness?” he questioned, his hands unmoving.

“This is the only way you can see me.”

Ignis’ breath caught in his throat, any response he had dying on his tongue. He leaned forward, readjusting his position to allow himself both hands. Noct’s hands rested on his forearm, a comfortable, grounding weight. He ran his fingers slowly along his king’s face, establishing the hair as the makings of a beard, and smiled sadly. “You didn’t think to shave?” he asked, trying to keep his voice light but could feel his throat closing. His nose tingled and he blinked rapidly, willing away any tears that threatened to form.

A choked laugh sounded from Noctis. Ignis could listen to his laughter forever. “Figured it would make me look older, maybe more kingly.”

“Indeed,” Ignis agreed quietly, an image of King Regis forming in his head from a memory long lost. “I’m sure you’re looking more like your father with each day.”

He moved his hands again, trailing his fingers over Noct’s jaw and chin. His jaw was set, determined and focused. Leaving one hand cupping the lower half of Noctis’ cheek, he moved the other up, carefully brushing his eyes and over his nose. Hair brushed against the back of Ignis hand and, curiously, he pushed his fingers through black hair, hearing a content sigh from Noctis. He moved slowly, all the way down the length. “Your hair is quite long now,” he observed, running his hand through once more.

“Haven’t had my uptight advisor around to cut it for me,” Noct joked, and they both ignored the heavy undercurrent of his words.

Ignis returned the joke with one of his own, “I’m not sure I would be able to cut it for you anymore. At least not in a way fit for a king.”

“Prompto said he liked it this way.”

Ignis hummed in response, letting his hands wander over Noct’s face again. He could feel how the king’s brow was drawn in, and he ran his fingers along those lines, relaxing the muscles. “Don’t worry about me,” he said firmly, feeling bold as he held Noctis’ face gently in his hands. This didn’t feel real. It felt like he would wake up any second and he would be far away from Noctis. He wanted to seize this moment as it presented itself. There was so little time left for them and he didn’t want to waste a single second.

“Can you still sense light?” Noctis blurted out, louder than what he probably intended.

Ignis paused, taken aback. “To a degree… yes.”

“So when dawn breaks you’ll know it?” A whisper this time and hands were placed on both his shoulders.

He didn’t want to reply this time. Maybe if he didn’t reply, Noctis wouldn’t go through with this. Maybe he would stay right here with him and never let go. He pulled Noctis in so their foreheads pressed together and squeezed his eyes shut so he was incapable of letting any tears escape. Even without sight, this was a moment he would always remember. It would be burned into his memories for all his years to come, it would be in his dreams and his thoughts as a constant for the rest of his life. And maybe if he didn’t answer, the moment would never end.

“I should.”

“Good to know.”

Ignis was unsure of how much time passed as they sat there holding each other. He cursed himself for answering and even more for allowing this. In all his years working for the crown, he knew his feelings were improper. Nothing would come from them except pain and heartbreak, but at a certain point he’d fallen too far to ever climb back out. Noctis was his king. And he loved him. His control of the situation was always well contained and he never slipped up. Every touch, every smile, every laugh would always cause a skip of his heart or a lurch of his stomach, but it never showed. Gladio accused him of being too soft on Noctis, but Ignis knew it was only that all he desired was to see his prince, now his king, happy.

Instead, even after all his work, Noctis was going to sacrifice his happiness and his life for the dawn. It wasn’t fair. Ignis gripped Noctis tighter. He wanted to hold him here and guard him from all of the pain that was going to follow them tomorrow. He wanted to give his life instead. He was far less important than the king. Why did it have to be Noctis? The gods were cruel and he hated them for it. After everything Noct has been through, why did they have to take him away?

“I love you,” Ignis breathed. His voice was quiet but steady, unwavering in his resolve to seize this final moment. Impropriety mattered little now for soon he would be an advisor to no one.

Noctis didn’t say a word. Ignis kept his eyelids closed and his hands unmoved from Noct’s face. The king shifted and Ignis thought he was going to pull away. Then there was a brush of lips against his own and, startled, he was the one to pull back. His hands fell and he straightened, his eyes opening out of habit but his world stayed black. He stared into nothing, just the direction where Noctis sat.

“Ignis,” he whispered, his hand moving slowly to Ignis’ cheek. Ignis felt him pull slightly and it felt like everything around them fell away as he leaned back in, feeling no control over his actions and just Noct’s magnetic presence in front of him.

Their lips brushed against one another, hesitant at first. Noctis’ lips were surprisingly soft, but still chapped along the edges. Once again Ignis felt like he was in a dream and he would wake up without this having happened. But Noctis pushed his hand through his hair to the back of his head and brought them closer together, reminding him this was real.

It was Ignis that deepened the kiss, parting his lips as he desperately held onto Noctis. Hands slipped down from his cheeks to wrap around his shoulders. In his head he pictured Noct halfway out of the chair as he pressed himself as close to Ignis as he could. He tried to adjust the image he had of his king – older now with a slowly growing beard and longer hair. In his life, he tried to have as little regrets as he could manage; but here now in Noctis’ arms, he couldn’t remember why he waited so long.

They sat together, kissing and holding each other, for several long minutes. Ignis was content with this until one of Noctis’ hands moved from his shoulder to tug at his shirt. He moaned into Ignis’ mouth as his fingers fisted in the fabric, pulling up so the night air brushed against the skin of Ignis’ stomach. “Noct?” Ignis breathed, disconnecting their lips. Noctis didn’t seem to notice as he dropped his mouth to kiss along Ignis’ jaw and down his neck. Ignis couldn’t stop his own, quiet moan as he felt teeth brush lightly against the sensitive skin of his collarbone. Unable to help himself, he let his head fall back to allow Noct full access.

He wasn’t sure when it happened but suddenly Noctis was out of his own chair, straddling Ignis’ hips. Their lips were reconnected with an urgency that was absent before. The king’s hands dropped to the hem of Ignis’ shirt and started to pull. Ignis interrupted the action, darting down quickly to grasp Noctis’ wrists. His long built self-control caused his hesitation – a small voice in the back of his mind whispering about betrothals and duty. “Noct,” he started, breathless and flustered. His voice sounded broken and he wasn’t sure if he would be able to speak. He cleared his throat and tried again, “Noct.”

“You said not to waste our time together,” Noctis stated, his voice clear and resolute. “I don’t intend to.”

Ignis pursed his lips, his grip on Noctis’ wrists loosening as he willed silence upon the voice in his head. That seemed to be enough as the hands moved again, bringing Ignis’ shirt up over his head. He allowed the fabric to be removed, his own hands settling on Noctis’ hips. There was a pause as he felt eyes on him, wandering over his chest and no doubt the scars from his hunting endeavors. He didn’t mention anything about staring this time, instead sitting under Noct’s gaze and pretending not to be self-conscious. Noctis grazed his fingers along Ignis’ abdomen to his hips. “What happened?” he asked quietly.

Ignis took Noct’s hand, lacing their fingers together before lifting it to his lips to place a chaste kiss against the other man’s skin. “I had to relearn how to fight,” he answered.

“You shouldn’t have kept fighting,” Noct chastised him. That was a first. He let his fingers wander up Noctis’ arm absentmindedly, enjoying the feeling of his cool skin. “What would I have done if I’d come back and you weren’t here?”

He couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips. “Certainly not this,” he murmured, leaning forward to connect his mouth with Noctis’ jaw. He felt the king lift his head, allowing him access, and he kissed down to his collar, his tongue darting out to taste the skin.

“I’m serious, Ignis,” Noctis tried to press. “I don’t want you to get hurt. No one else gets to die for me – especially not you.”

Ignis frowned, pulling back and lifting his head. He looked in Noct’s direction, hoping that it felt like his eyes were connected directly to Noctis. “I would die for you,” he replied earnestly. “Were it possible, I would take your place in front of the wrath of the gods.”

He felt Noctis grab his face, bringing him forward to rest their foreheads together once more. “I wouldn’t let you.”

His lids fell closed at the intensity of Noctis’ voice. It struck him to his very core and he gripped Noct’s wrist, hanging on to him like he would float away. “Instead I’ll lose you again,” he managed.

Noctis lifted his head to press his lips to Ignis’ forehead. “Not yet,” he whispered, dropping back down to kiss Ignis again.

It was slower this time, like they could waste time kissing lazily and pretending to be blissful together. It was sweet and full of all the words that went unspoken between them. Noct opened his mouth and the pace sped up, Ignis grabbing Noct’s waist, pulling them tightly together. He grabbed at the bottom of Noct’s shirt in a silent request that was obliged. Their mouths disconnected as Noct lifted his own shirt over his head. Ignis immediately put his hands on the skin of his king’s chest, running his hands over muscles that had become more defined over ten years. The light trail of his fingers caused a quiet, breathy moan from Noct and Ignis felt warm. He slid his hands up, slowly, and pulled Noctis in by his neck, trusting him to correct the path should he have aimed incorrectly. Their lips met again, intense and desperate this time. Ignis was unsure how far this would go, only that he wanted to hear all the pleased sounds from Noctis that he could manage.

“Perhaps we should—” he was interrupted by a kiss, allowing his words to be swept away by Noctis’ tongue against his own. He stifled a groan when Noctis rolled his hips down, fisting his hand in long black hair as he tried to restrain himself. “Move,” he finished his suggestion when they parted briefly for air. Noctis either didn’t hear him, or pretended not to, as he moved his lips down Ignis’ neck. “Noct,” Ignis tried to sound firm but it came out as more of a plea.

Noctis’ lips pulled up into a smile and he trailed his hand after the kisses he left along Ignis’ skin, running his fingers into the hair at the base of his neck. “Move where?” he asked against Ignis’ mouth, his smiling shining through his words. “I don’t think Gladio and Prompto would appreciate it if we moved to the tent.”

The tips of Noctis’ fingers danced through the hair on the back of Ignis’ head. It was distracting, his mind already feeling foggy. Noctis was the only clarity for him right now, the only thing that was keeping him from spinning out of control with the thoughts of what morning would bring. He detangled his own fingers from Noct’s hair, running them down the length of the other’s body to grasp his hips. “That would be quite an… interesting conversation,” he mused, grinning as he nested his nose underneath Noctis’ jaw, breathing him in.

Noctis hummed, leaning his cheek against Ignis’ temple, fingers still absentmindedly running through his hair. “Let’s stay here,” he murmured, his breath warming Ignis’ skin.

I wish you would stay, is what Ignis wanted to say. “Whatever you desire,” he whispered instead, tilting his head up to capture Noctis’ lips in another searing kiss.

“You,” Noctis replied into his mouth, pulling Ignis by the back of his head, hair laced between his fingers.

Ignis moaned, a short and breathy, at Noctis’ response. He grasped tightly to his king’s hips, sliding him forward so their bare chests pressed together. “I am yours,” Ignis told him. “I have always been yours.”

Noctis slid off Ignis’ lap, pulling him into a standing position. Ignis didn’t miss a beat this time – he wasn’t going to miss a single moment – and held onto Noctis by his waist as he stood, reconnecting their lips as the chairs were shoved out of the way. He loved the feeling of stooping to kiss Noctis. It felt natural and right to be able to hold the other man close, Ignis’ head bent down and Noct’s tilted up. Noctis’ arms were draped over Ignis’ shoulder, holding him down as if Ignis would ever move away.

It’s Noctis that pulls back, but doesn’t quite let go. “Blankets,” he says breathlessly. He leans back up and places a lingering kiss to Ignis’ lips before reluctantly detaching himself to disappear into the tent. Ignis stood in the darkness, turning to find the dying light of the campfire.

On nights where Ignis was feeling particularly out of control, he’d allowed himself time to imagine what being with Noctis would feel like. He had to admit that he never pictured the back drop would be next to a fire, a tent with their two best friends, and end of the world glaring over their shoulders. All of his brief fantasies had been indulgences and nothing more. Moments of weakness that he’d given to himself on lonely nights when he couldn’t find the room in his mind for sleep. But this was more. This was more than anything Ignis had ever dared to dream. Everything he had ever imagined had left him feeling shame and disgust at his own weakness. This, however, this was real and it wasn’t something that he would have been able to replicate alone because Noctis was one of a kind. One that would be taken too soon.

He heard Noctis’ footsteps. There was a whoosh as the blanket was spread across the ground, then he felt arms wrap around his waist from behind. Noct’s lips kissed the back of his neck, burying his face between Ignis’ shoulder blades. “Don’t think about it,” he murmured, holding tighter as Ignis put his hands over Noctis’. “Stay here,” Noct continued, pulling Ignis back before his thoughts darkened. Stay here in this moment. Stay here for now. Live now.

“I’m here,” he replied lowly. He turned in Noctis’ arms, reaching for his face and cupping his cheek.

“I wish I could see you,” he breathed honestly against Noctis’ skin. A hand reached down to pull him up by his chin, which he obeyed, allowing their lips to reconnect in an apology that Noctis did not have a chance to put into words. “I’m sure you’re beautiful,” he whispered, his mouth ghosting over Noct’s as he ran his hands over the other’s face again. He liked the feeling of the beard beneath his fingers and the strong jaw that had developed as Noctis aged. He put a finger over Noctis’ lips as they opened then swallowed the second attempt at an apology with his lips, silencing the words before they had a chance to fill the space between them.

Ignis felt Noctis’ hands grip his shoulders. He followed the way he was pushed, Noctis switching their positions so that he hovered over Ignis instead. His own hands twisted in dark hair as Noct’s lips found a sensitive spot underneath his ear and he choked back a moan, his hips involuntarily arching up. The rational part of his mind had a moment of panic about the appropriateness of his actions, but he could feel Noctis through their clothes and any qualms he had vanished.

Noctis trailed down Ignis’ body with his mouth, his hands descending faster to toy with the buckle of Ignis’ pants. His breath hitched and he lifted his hips into the touch. He had nothing to look at except the darkness and could do nothing but feel as Noctis kissed and licked the scars on his abdomen. One hand fisted in the blanket underneath them to find something to ground him, the other sliding into the long, black hair of the man over top of him.

“Noct,” he whispered in an attempt to claim the other’s attention. It worked and Noctis paused and Ignis felt his head look up from underneath his hold. “Do you… have you ever done this before?” he asked cautiously.

There was a beat of silence. “No,” Noctis admitted, his voice sheepish. He ducked his head, burying it into Ignis’ thigh. “Have you?”

Ignis sighed, feeling warmth course through his veins at the weight on his thigh. “Ten years is a long time,” he replied noncommittally.

“Anyone I know?” Noctis asked, hearing the answer in the avoidance.

Ignis shook his head. “They were few and far between. No one of note.” Other lonely souls that he connected with on the road between Hammerhead and Lestallum. Other hunters that went with him on particularly large jobs that warranted more than one blind fighter. All men. All far inferior to the one that Ignis truly wanted. “We don’t have to do this,” he supplied, reaching down to hold Noctis’ face again.

“I want to,” Noctis assured him. “I want you,” he clarified.

“You have me. Always,” he replied with an intensity that made his eyes sting. Always would end too soon.

Inexperienced hands fumbled with Ignis’ belt, Noctis’ breathing erratic and Ignis dropped his head back onto the blanket. He sighed, comfortable underneath the other man, humming when Noctis grazed him through the fabric of his pants. He lifted his hips so Noct could pull the clothes from his legs. He heard the breath Noct sucked in at the sight of him, picking his head back up to reach out for his king. Fingers laced in his own and he squeezed. “Don’t look at the scars,” he whispered. Though he hadn’t seen his own body in a long time, he’d felt the pain of the marks that were surely there. He brought Noctis closer, their hands going above their heads. With his free hand, he stroked a finger down the other man’s cheek with as much tenderness as he could muster.

“I wanted to be here,” Noctis said against his mouth, hovering over him. His face was showered in kisses and it made him want to cry. Everything he ever wanted was right here in his arms and would be taken away before he ever had a chance to truly appreciate it.

Ignis threw his arms around Noctis’ back, burying his face in the king’s shoulder. Noctis adjusted, scattering short kisses along Ignis’ neck and shoulder, letting himself be held. I wanted you here, Ignis thought desperately. I don’t ever want you to leave.

“I missed you.”

He laid here, completely naked – emotionally, physically – opening himself, heart, body and soul, to Noctis entirely. He could feel an apology welling up inside of Noctis’ chest and he drew his head back to connect their lips. It was frantic and fast, like they were both afraid the other was going to disappear right this very moment. It was open mouthed, tongue on tongue, teeth clacking together – but it was perfect.

Ignis slid his hands carefully over Noctis’ back. He knew where the scar was without his sight and he brushed his fingers close to the edge of the sensitive skin, never touching it. His thumbs slid under the hem of Noctis’ pants, pushing them down slightly. Noctis sat up on his knees, Ignis following. He ran his palms along the skin of the other’s hips to find the belt and buttons. He could feel the king’s eyes on him as he slowly worked, drawing the fabric down. Noctis cooperated, stepping out of the pants and settling back down between Ignis’ legs.

His hands found Noctis’ chest again, running over the skin and back up to his neck. “I don’t have… That is to say…” He trailed off. He hadn’t exactly prepared for an intimate night. Ignis wanted this to be nothing short of perfect but he wouldn’t compromise the mission just to feel every part of Noctis that he could.

“It’s okay,” Noct replied softly, touching Ignis’ cheek.

That brought them back together, falling back onto the blanket as they pulled themselves as close as possible. Ignis didn’t think he had ever held on to something as tightly as he clung to Noctis. Perhaps if he held fast enough, this could last forever. Noctis’ name fell freely from his lips, quiet and wanton, and he made sounds he never thought himself capable of when fingers wrapped around his length. Even though the fingers stroking him were inexperienced, it felt better than anyone else Ignis had ever had, slowly and deliberately unraveling his composure. It felt good and right and unlike anything he could have ever imagined because this was real and it meant more than just a lonely night in the back of a breaking down car on the side of the road with a stranger; more than lying in bed by himself, plagued by improper thoughts of the prince who he was supposed to serve, protect and advise.

When Noctis’ lips brushed along the sensitive skin of Ignis’ inner thigh he choked back a moan, reaching down to grab the other man and pull him back up. Noctis let him lead as he switched back their positions. Tentatively, Ignis let his memory guide him as he ran his lips and tongue down Noct’s body. He kissed the crook between thigh and groin, sliding his tongue up Noctis’ length. The sound that fell from his king’s lips spurred him forward as a desperate hand fisted in the hair on the back of his head. Noctis legs scrambled, hooking around Ignis as he worked. He reached up, lacing his fingers together with Noct’s free hand.

“Ignis,” Noctis moaned, the name rolling from his mouth hotly as he fell apart under the care of his advisor. Ignis groaned around him, reveling in the way his name sounded off Noct’s tongue. He wanted to draw out every ounce of pleasure as he could so that this night might be enough.

Noctis lead him back up, grasping at his shoulders and digging his fingers into Ignis’ skin. They leaned into each other, hips rolling together and skin grinding against skin. Ignis buried his face into the crook of Noctis neck, stifling the sounds that passed through his lips and Noctis had his arms thrown around Ignis’ shoulders, holding onto him like an anchor. They moaned the other’s name in staccato as lengths rutted against one another, hot and aching.

Noctis’ moans were broken, verging on sobs, as he reached completion first. His hips rose off the ground, pushing shamelessly into Ignis, fingers scrambling for purchase on Ignis’ back. He choked out Ignis’ name, burying his head into the blanket as he slid his body against the one over him. Ignis obeyed Noct’s pleas and held him through the aftershocks as his release settled through his entire body. He groaned against Noctis’ skin, aching to follow Noct to his own relief.

As if in response to an unspoken request, Noctis’ hand slid between them, grasping Ignis with confidence that was previously absent. He whispered words into Ignis’ ear that he couldn’t quite register, lost in the hot air being blown on his skin and the way Noctis somehow moved his fingers exactly right over him. He leaned his forehead against Noctis’, holding his face in his hands – the feeling of the beard underneath his palm and a dampness on his fingertips below his king’s eyes. He gasped, his own tears threatening to spring forth and he squeeze his eyes shut. Ignis let Noctis’ name slip past his lips as he hit his own release.

Ignis collapsed against Noctis, trying to ignore the stickiness between their chests. His head on Noctis’ shoulder, hiding underneath the king’s chin. Noctis ran a hand through his hair and it’s the most relaxed Ignis has felt in years. His eyes are closed and his breathing is evening out as he absentmindedly traces his finger over the skin of Noctis’ hip. His lips are pulled up into a small smile that he can barely contain and he sighs, for just a moment forgetting that it’s the end of the world and in a matter of hours the man beneath him would be gone.

One of Noctis’ hands is gliding over his back, rubbing comforting circles over his shoulder blades. He hears a shuddering breath and is about to ask when he feels a teardrop fall onto his forehead. He picks his head up, reaching to cup Noct’s face in his palm. They don’t need words this time, both leaning in for a kiss. And it’s miserable. The kiss is sad and closed-mouthed, just skin to skin contact to reassure each other that they are still here. Both of their hands find the way to the other’s face, pulling and breathing deeply through their noses, and Ignis manages to fight off his tears. Noctis doesn’t manage the same and he can feel them falling and taste them between their lips.

“Stay here,” he whispered Noct’s words from earlier. “It isn’t time, yet.”

He can hear Noctis fighting off a choked breath, but it shakes his entire body with an unvoiced sob. A hand runs along Ignis’ cheek and into his hair. “Thank you,” Noctis says, his voice thick.

Ignis purses his lips into a frown, unable to help himself. “Whatever you need,” he murmurs. “You will have it.”

They laid there, side by side, until Noctis regained control, his tears drying. He never once let go of Ignis. Eventually Ignis stood them up, cleaning their chests with care, brushing his fingers across Noct’s cheek, and pretending he felt stronger than he did. Noctis had to find his clothes for him and he made an insincere joke about how they weren’t folded that neither one of them laughed at. In a moment of domesticity they helped each other back into their shirts and pants. Ignis buttoned up Noctis’ pants while Noctis flattened the wrinkles on Ignis’ shirt, their bodies close enough together that they could stay warm from each other’s heat. Noctis stepped away for a moment, coming back to stand in front of Ignis. Wordlessly, Ignis ran his hand over Noct’s arm down to what he was holding. Ignis’ glasses. They stood there, Ignis’ fingers sitting on Noctis’ wrists, both looking down at the spectacles. It was the last piece of the puzzle to put themselves back together, officially ending what they’d had.

Noctis moved first, slowly lifting his arms. Ignis latched onto his wrist, holding but not hindering, as Noct reached up to slide Ignis’ glasses back into place. His fingers lingered, once again delicately dancing over the skin of the largest scar. Ignis kept his hand in place, moving his free one to wrap around Noctis’ waist. “I can’t help but stare,” Noctis admitted, his voice barely audible. “I don’t ever want to forget.”

Ignis didn’t reply this time, just let himself sit under Noct’s gaze. He tried to memorize the way those fingers traced the scars on his face, feeling, for the first time, that someone could see him underneath the blemishes on his cheeks. He had so many questions he wanted to ask. What did this mean? Had Noctis thought about him the way Ignis always had? Why now? But he didn’t think they mattered anymore. Perhaps if they had ventured down this path ten years ago, he would have. But now, older and at the end of destiny, the questions seemed archaic and futile. Because this didn’t and couldn’t mean anything. Even if Ignis had been in Noctis’ thoughts, it still would have been inappropriate and forbidden. And now because Ignis had decided to indulge himself at the end and leave nothing unsaid.

“We should rest,” Ignis finally said, popping the bubble that they had found themselves in. “You need your sleep.” He ran a finger across Noctis’ cheek, thumbing underneath his eye as if to highlight the dark circles that he was sure were there.

He felt Noctis nod, a hand reaching up to grasp his, and he let the king lead the way to the tent. Ignis thought this would be where they would finally part ways, but Noctis kept their hands joined. He pulled Ignis down to lie next to him, wrapping his arms around Ignis’ waist and settling against his side. Unable to deny him anything, Ignis adjusted and made himself comfortable. He draped his arms around Noctis, bending down to press a firm kiss to the top of his head. Noctis responded by lifting his face to connect their lips once more.

Ignis fell asleep, feeling Noctis’ eyes studying his face.

Gladio and Prompto didn’t say anything about finding them wrapped in each other’s arms when they woke. Before they left the tent to eat breakfast, Noctis placed a final, private kiss on Ignis’ lips, but throughout the meal and on the way to the citadel, they stayed close to each other. There were brief, fleeting touches – lingering hands grasping onto shoulders, nudges as they walked that were just long enough to mean something more than a playful tousle.

Ignis managed a form of acceptance between the night and the battles that followed. He mustered the courage to accept that Noctis’ death was now part of reality and there was nothing anyone could do to change it. They had their moment together and Ignis would cherish it for all the years to come, but that moment had passed. It was easy because Noct was still here. They fought side by side, just as in synch as they had been ten years ago - as though the confessions from the previous night had fixed the unfamiliarity that had lingered between them.

But when Ignis awoke on the floor of the throne room and Noctis was decidedly absent, he scrambled to his feet, following his instincts outside and praying to all the gods that they hadn’t taken him away yet. Not without saying goodbye. Prompto and Gladio were just behind him as he burst out the door, relying on Noctis to call to him if he were still alive.

It was Gladio that saw him first, however. “There,” he called, putting a hand on Ignis’ shoulder and helping him down the stairs toward their king.

Ignis wanted to collide with Noctis and hold him but he knew he wouldn’t let go this time so he let Noct move to him. He rested a hand on Ignis’ shoulder and gave a comforting squeeze. Ignis forced his lips up into something that might be taken for a smile to acknowledge him, not trusting his hands to touch Noctis without spilling his heart.

“It’s time,” was all Noctis supplied before the hand on his arm was gone, leaving him feeling empty and alone. Ignis followed the footsteps to the base of the stairs.

“Prompto, Gladio, Ignis… I leave it to you. Walk tall, my friends.”

He heard Noctis turn around, moving further away. That couldn’t be it. He wouldn’t let that be it. All of his careful acceptance flew from his mind as he felt the distance grow. He is not selfish - his entire life has been dedicated to the man that was about to walk out of his life forever. This man that he loved more than he could ever love himself. But Noctis was getting further away from him and it felt like sand slipping through his fingers. He was going to lose Noctis if he let him go back inside.

“Noct,” he called, his voice catching and the volume at which he said it surprised even himself.

It worked and he heard the footsteps pause.

Boldly he continued, “Don’t do this.” He took the first three steps up, careful and trying to remain composed. But his voice was thick and his nose itched and he wasn’t sure he would be able to stop any tears that were threatening to fall. “I beg of you, don’t leave me.”

Gladio and Prompto shifted behind him and he could see their faces in his head for the first time in years. Prompto awkwardly bouncing on the balls of his feet, looking down at the ground. Gladio rubbing the back of his neck and looking to the sky for answers that wouldn’t be found. Ignis found himself wishing for it to be ten years ago, not for the first time in the last few days.

“I do not ask for much,” he pressed, taking more steps toward Noct. “But I am asking now. Do not go back in there. Stay here.” At their words of reassurance from the night before, his voice caught and the tears he had tried so hard to keep at bay spilled over but he still continued up. “Let me find another way. There must be another way. Please, Noct.”

The deep sigh that he heard from the king was closer now, and he moved forward. He reached out, feeling Noct’s presence and his hand connected with the other man’s back. Ignis stopped moving up the stairs, fisting his finger in the fabric of Noctis’ jacket, unable to stop the choked breath that leapt from his throat. He could feel the tears trailing down his cheeks, mixing with the rain. “Stay here,” he whispered. “My world has been dark for ten years. Then you returned and I felt as if I could fully breathe again.” He trailed off.

The rational side of his mind knew there was no choice in this. Noctis had no choice, this was the will of the gods. This was what had to happened to bring back the dawn – this was what Noctis was chosen to do. And Ignis couldn’t stop the swell of absolute hatred he had for the gods and for destiny, for Ardyn and the imperials. What had his life been for, if not to protect his king from all danger and to find alternate routes to victory should the path before them prove too perilous? His entire life had been based around protect and serve, and that was being denied to him. He was being asked to stand on the sidelines while his king is sacrificed. Noctis was born for more than to be a sheep to slaughter.

“Let me find another way, Noct,” he pleaded again. “Don’t leave me to the darkness without you.”

There was a breath, and Noctis turned. Ignis let his hand fall away, and he looked down towards the ground, ashamed. He knew it was not his place to stand between gods and kings but for Noctis he would try to safeguard him from anything that meant to do him harm. A tender hand cupped Ignis’ cheek, urging him to look up. Unable to face him yet, Ignis turned his face into Noctis’ hand, kissing his palm. He let out a shattered sigh against the skin and he never wanted to leave. Noctis urged him up again, and this time he obliged. He couldn’t see his king, but he stared at him regardless recalling his image inside his own mind. Ignis reached forward, grasping the front Noctis’ jacket for support. He felt like his legs would give out from under him and he knew that if Noctis ran from him, he would be powerless to follow.

“I can’t, Ignis,” Noct said softly, but he took a step down the stairs so that he could rest his forehead to Ignis’.

He knew that. He knew the answer. And he realized that he had never accepted this as part of his reality at all. He’d convinced himself for a moment that he was ready to let go, but he had already let go – ten years ago, he’d let go. He spent ten years of his life trying to move on and live in a world without Noctis. But every time he would summon his weapon he would breathe a sigh of relief that somewhere Noct was still alive. And then the king had come riding back into his life and everything Ignis thought he had relinquished rushed back. Now the gods wanted to take him away again, for good this time. Ignis wanted to scream.

“Let me go with you,” he begged, taking Noctis’ face in his hands and he knew that this would be the last time.

Noctis let out a breath and Ignis thought he was pulling away. But he felt lips against his own and a short sob escaped into Noctis’ mouth. He knew this was it, but he latched onto it like a lifeline. He opened his mouth for Noct’s tongue, tangling his finger in dark, wet hair. Noctis’ hands held his own face, pushing them so close together Ignis felt his glasses move up, sitting lopsided on his nose between them. Ignis could feel the fear building in his stomach that this meant it was the end and he held tighter still. If he didn’t let go, Noctis would have to take him and he could die by his king’s side, by the side of the man that he loved, just as he’d always wanted.

The kiss was too short, but it left them both breathless. Noctis held on to him, seemingly just as reluctant to go as Ignis was to let him. They breathed each other’s air, grasping desperately at the other’s face. Noctis leaned in and placed one firm, resolute, definitive kiss to Ignis’ lips and breathed, “I love you.”

And just like that he was gone. He disconnected from Ignis’ embrace and Ignis felt his entire world collapse. He reached out and felt nothing but air, hearing the echoes of Noctis’ all too quick steps back inside. His legs no longer supported him and he crashed to his knees, his fingers curling over the steps beneath him as he cried into the stone.

Gladio and Prompto were both at his side moments after he heard the thundering close of the door into the citadel. He could hear them telling him to stand and that it was time to fight. Daemons seemed meaningless now, but with the tears still in his eyes and a fire gut, he turned with his friends to face the new threat. He summoned his weapons into his hands and tried not to think about how he wouldn’t be able to put them back.

He fought with a renewed fury. All of his anger and frustrations – gods, destiny, the Empire, Ardyn, his loss, his blindness, Noctis – he took it all and threw it into his defense of the citadel. Nothing was going to get inside.

The hordes of daemons began dwindling and retreating back into the darkness. None of them celebrated. They finished off the last remaining monsters then stood. All three of them, shoulder to shoulder, among the battlefield. They were covered from head to toe in blood, out of breath and exhausted, but they didn’t move.

Ignis lifted his dagger and willed it away, but it didn’t leave his grasp.

“There,” Prompto said quietly, putting a hand on Ignis’ shoulder so he could see where he meant.

In the midst of the blackness of his vision, Ignis could see at the bottom there was a sliver of light. Still, they did not rejoice, remaining silent.

The sun was rising.

It was dawn at last.

title inspiration Waiting by Alice Boman

#ignoct #final fantasy #ffxv #noctis lucis caelum #ignis scientia #ff: ffxv #p: my writing #otp #i am in emotional distress because of my own writing #i'm going to go now goodbye forever

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dadsquotesandlyrics420 · 4 years

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Dads - American Radass track by track review

1. If Your Song Title Has The Word “Beach” In It, I’m Not Listening to It Scott: This was the first song we wrote for the album and coincidentally ended up being the first song on the album. We always write all songs together and it's never been just telling John to learn "my songs" or vice versa. There may be a riff or two I come up with at home or a drum part he thought up he wanted to implement, but that's the most we do separately. Anyways, I think I wrote the main/intro part with the idea of a slower Colossal finger picked type of part. I am not great at finger picking and now use a pick and it works out a lot better. John: Once we wrote the music for this song we sorta figured it was going to be the opening song for the album. I really wanted to start the record with a “We” so that it was about everyone, not just solely my lyrics or my stories, but something that everyone can be a part of. This is my take on a positive hardcore song in the sense that it’s looking of the society we are in and how shit needs to change for the better. A lot of us, myself included, spend more time dwelling on the past and things we can’t change. “We water the plants even after they die, waste all our time in the helpless notion” was my way of starting this discussion that we are so stuck on dead matter, forgetting that we need to work for the future, and when we do know something might be wrong, or something will go wrong, we ignore it, we don’t want to think about it, we’d rather push it to the back until it has passed and we can dwell on it after the fact. “We can pick out our faults enough to blame our parents, why can’t we blame ourselves?” is my answer to everyone saying “yeah, I know I do ________ and it’s fucked up, I get it from my mom” or “yeah I know I’m a shitty person when it comes to ___________, I get it from my dad.” If we can pick out are faults enough to make some excuse of “oh well I get it from this person” well then we should be able to isolate these faults enough to fix them. “You only you can change yourself” is straightforward. We’re being too dependent on helping hands, at the end of the day they will not change anything for you. 2. Get to the Beach!’ Scott: This ended up being the second song we wrote for this album and ended up flowing really well from the previous song. I wanted to write a catchy up beat riff to be a big contrast from the last song. Lyrically, it's about seeing/dating/living with someone over a course of a year and a half or so, only to personally make mistakes which led to a lot from the other person. Being cheated on, being broken up with, being led on for months on end while that person was sleeping with other/s, etc. It's a hard pill to swallow from somebody you (at the time) love. I changed the lyrics from "If you're not home with me, then this place isn't my home at all" to "Since you left this home we made, you've been out fucking someone else" the day before we recorded the lyrics in the studio. We all felt like it was a positive change. I try not to harbor bad feelings toward said person, but feelings are what they are and sometimes things are hard to get over. Life is a highway. John: I love songs like these because it allows me to sit back and focus on drumming even more while Scott sings. 3. Honestly, Chroma Q&A Scott: This song title is a pretty obvious Cartel reference. John and I listen to a TON of music people who like us wouldn't think we like, whether it be Drake, Alan Jackson, R. Kelly, or especially lately, Aerosmith. The intro is my take on the intro riff to "Honestly", but done in a more Dads-like style. Some people have speculated that the lyrics are the second part to "Get To The Beach", which isn't true at all. I actually wrote these lyrics before I even met said person from that song. It's just a mix of constant depression, my shitty sleeping and drinking habits, and my problems with my Father. Pretty simple stuff. John: I’m able to try out a lot of drum patterns with this track. I wanted to follow the rhythm as faithfully as possible but while still adding flares here and there. 4. Aww, C’mon Guyz Scott: This is a pretty fun song to play, I'm a big fan of jumpy chord progressions with weird strumming patterns and upstrokes. I listened to Minus The Bear too much in high school, I think. Before John wrote the lyrics for this song, we talked about how we are very open about not encouraging negative/hate speech, especially in the "scene," and if even as a "joke," and how we wanted to write lyrics about it. The ending is super fun to play and makes me feel like I'm in a shit kicking rock n roll band. John: When we were coming up in the different scenes in the northeast we were meeting a ton of new people and everyone was into what we were doing, which we were extremely grateful for, but we started to notice some of the people we became friends with were saying pretty hurtful and discriminatory things as jokes. Saying “gay” or “fag” as a demeaning name to call people, calling each other the N word and making horrible racist stereotypical jokes towards one another. There was a promotional group that was doing samplers and such that Dads was a part of until we noticed the dudes running it were doing this. We tried quietly and politely leaving it without there being any public drama, but that went south very quickly and it looked bad for everyone involved at the end of the day. Lies and rumors were spread about us that we still hear about to this day, and we felt like we needed to make this song with these lyrics now. We cannot force anyone to censor themself at all, but we do not find any of it funny and a sick joke isn’t worth alienating anyone in this scene. And after it all they would plaster their love for all of these old punk legends all over, and I felt like the only way to rationalize and end this, I guess plea or persuasive argument of a song, was to bring that into perspective. How would Henry Rollins or Ian MacKaye treat you if you met them and talked to them like your friends, saying racial slurs and hateful words? 5. Shit Twins Scott: This fucking song. When writing this, we had to write down all the parts on a piece of paper with the amount of times we play each, repeats, etc. There is so much going on, even if it's our most relaxed song on the album. We've only played it twice live and it's weird as shit. We wanted a longer song on the album to kind of break up the shorter faster songs and to make sure we weren't putting out a 20 minute full length. This came out a lot better than we hoped and turns out to be a lot of peoples' favorites. The super amazing artist and okay friend, Daniel Danger, named this song when he was talking about us and said it as a joking song title, which we ended up later using for this song. John: The first part of this song is a poem I wrote a while back that we’ve been trying to fit into a song since the re-release of our first EP ever. It never fit, and looking back on it now, I’m glad it didn’t. As time went on I turned that poem into a five part piece, and three of the pieces are now the lyrics for Shit Twins. Sidenote: All five pieces may surface at some point soon, not entirely sure yet. I don’t want to give away all of the secrets for this whole piece cause I want people to be able to interpret it however they feel fits to their life, BUT, because I get asked this a lot, “Miranda” is more than just a person. Miranda at first is a reference to the Miranda Rights, “you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law” which then is put with “Tell me, tell me Miranda” because the entire song references communication, or lack there of. Miranda is also the pen-name I used in place of the real name of the person the poems were about. The last part of the song is a notion to how break ups usually lazily center around “this isn’t for good, it’s just for now” and how you make these pacts to keep sane for the time being about a possible future where you two will get back together. Coupled along with that is the question of, if you were to get back together, at least for a night (which a lot of people actually do, it IS a common thing) will it be just like the old days when you were together, will it be better because you have had more practice with caring for people, or will it be worse cause in the back of your mind you will be thinking of the people that have come since. 6. Grunt Work (The ’69 Sound) Scott: Since we are both 12 years old, we wanted a song that was 69 seconds long. Just a lot of quick riffs and a hard ROCK part at the end. Not much else to say about it. I forget where "grunt work" came from, I think from just lifting gear around and doin' real GRUNT WORK. The '69 sound came from since we are from New Jersey and it's a play off of world famous rock and roll outfit, The Gaslight Anthem. John: This is the antithesis piece to “If Your Song Title…” in the sense that it is a quick fuck you get out of the way type track, all about completely forgetting about trying to do anything with your life because you’re too busy getting stuck in bullshit ruts. It also starts off Side B of the record, which allows it you to compare and contrast it even more with “If Your Song Title…” 7. Groin Twerk Scott: This song is super fun to play because it's a really quick one where I'm doing lots of fun jumpy chord Minus The Bear/Colossal inspired parts again. Sometimes you have to do some grunt work and sometimes you have to twerk that groin. John: When you’re young, in love, and cruising by still trying to figure your shit out, pregnancy can be a nasty three-headed monster of a life ruiner. When you’re older and ready for it, pregnancy is something couples work hard for. When your relationship is recently officially over, but there is a chance your now ex girlfriend might still be pregnant because you guys had that “we’re broken up but you still feel comfortable and right” love making, it is pure hell. But in the back of your mind, 10% of you thinks “well if she is pregnant, maybe we could work it out?” 8. Big Bag of Sandwiches Scott: This is our Wavelets callback song. Wavelets is a great band from Florida who we met about 2 years ago when they played my old house. Steven ended up writing lyrics in about us/New Jersey and named the song ("We're Really Jazzed About The Gig") after something we kept saying the first time we toured to Florida. This is a purposeful rip off song, also with a lots of pauses a la Cartel. The song title came from the time we toured with Dikembe and You Blew It and while in Rhode Island, someone at the show who worked at a sandwich shop gave us a ton of sandwiches. The next night was our last on tour together and during our set, the Dik/YBI dudes threw sandwiches around during our set. It was amazing. There's also probably some influence from the Sick Animation video, "C'mon Scoob." John: The dudes from Wavelets/Dikembe are some of our best friends. Wavelets played the first ever Dads show in Scott’s old house in New Brunswick. We became best friends with them immediately. In their song they say “Spent most of Jersey underground, drowning in new friends and safer sounds, singing” so I wrote of our Florida trip down there with “Spent most of Florida hanging around, drowning in old friends and beautiful sounds, singing” and then wrote hopefully a not corny song about being in a traveling band and the hardships of making extremely close and personal friends that you only see once or twice a year whenever you tour to their city or they to yours. “It turns out you’re right” is also a reference to the Wavelets song, and “(and I’m not sorry)” is another reference to their other song “Let Off Some Steam” which is my personal favorite of theirs. 9. Bakefast at Piffany’s Scott: This song title was also made up from Ryan from Wavelets/Dikembe. We're both in bands that reference/use weed jokes a lot, especially for bands that don't actually smoke pot. My lyrics are going back to the same situation from "Get To The Beach" and kind of getting over it more, learning to cope with everything, and realizing what I needed to do for myself for a change. The huge weed smoke part is definitely one of my favorite parts to play live because I just slap on a bunch of pedals, crank the reverb on my amp, stand in front of my amp and let it feedback like crazy, and then bend that note to hell and back. John: I grew up listening to a handful of folk singers that were able to talk about love and actually talk about sex without it being something overly raunchy, and I’ve always tried my hand at it. This song is also a mood swing of a piece because it starts out super poppy, cute, and happy, but then everything goes downhill quickly. I write very visually and I think this song is another prime example of that. Also, it’s cool to be able to fit in “brush your teeth” and reference your own release. And then it ends with a question of why do we keep letting ourselves get fucked over by people just because we hold them on some higher tier? 10. Heavy to the Touch (think about tonight, forget about tomorrow) Scott: This is just a big build up of a song with another jangle doodle heavily influenced by Minus The Bear's upstroke riffs. The song title is a mix of a lot of drunken things we've heard or said. We played with this band once who was promoted as sounding like Torche, but they weren't that heavy at all, although still very good. A drunk Dan Bassini wrote "heavy to the touch" on the wall, but I think he meant to write "heavy as Torche" or something. Then once when John and I were very drunk, I convinced myself that if I took some aspirin, I could keep drinking and I wouldn't feel awful the next time and and John declared, "Think about tonight, forget about tomorrow!" I don't remember that night, so I think I did good. John: There was a period of six months right after I graduated college where I was constantly on the road, would come back for a week at the most, and then be out on the road traveling again. When I’d come back home I’d try my best to reconnect with what I missed while I was away, but I would usually become overwhelmed and spend my time sleeping away the days and hating shit. This song is portrayal of all of that and how I realized that being on the road is what feels right, at least for this point in my life, so it is something I will continue to do, until, like the song says, everything I’m running from won’t even recognize me.

originally published at Sanctuary Review (which has since vanished from the web)

#dads #american radass #track by track review #shit twins

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delilah-chevalier-blog · 6 years

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Depression

I can’t sleep again, and my medicine has once again failed to keep me asleep all night. Have tried reading, and as soon as I put down my book from being drowsy, I wake right back up.

So, I tried to write; can’t think up a single thing. Every thought I had for this story I’m trying to write is gone again. It’s like I can’t write anymore, and I used to write all the time. It upsets me, fearing that I’ve lost the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do with my life.

I suppose it is to be expected though, since my stress levels are far beyond healthy and I’ve probably had the last bits of good chemicals fried away. This is actually medically possible; when you are in a constant state of high stress or fight/flight your brain chemicals will stop functioning correctly, slowly rotting and fading away. Thus, I’ll always be on some form of mental medication.

Lately I can’t pay attention or focus on anything past a few minutes, an hour or two at most. I am not add, or adhd, I simply lose interest and cease to care.

This is high end level of depression; my scores on the tests are really high and out there. If I could, I wouldn’t eat, drink, move or function. For days on end. I simply do not see why I should. I try to force myself to sleep, but even that doesn’t exist.

You know How endorphins from working out are supposed to make you happy? Yeah, those no longer work for me. They do absolutely nothing to make me happy.

Thus, being awake after only twenty minutes of sleeping in, possibly 72 hours. Yeah; I’m official drunk/high. Yes, 72 hours without sleep is the equivalent of being under the influence. Thus, I don’t really go anywhere.

This leads me to another point of depression: I have no friends. Well, one friend. But she comes & goes; only when no one else is around. But, a bit of dependency is why I do not just stop being friends with her, though I know it’s unhealthy. Why? Because she is the only friend I have.

I really do not have family; the few bits I have feel like strangers to me. See, I’ve been so chemically fried that I lack empathy. Connections are forced and give me headaches trying to deal and pretend.

Now, I’ve lost how to end this tactfully, other than to just end. I suppose it is another prime example of how void I am. With nothing to pad or make me better.

The worst? I have a lot of books, I’m a fan of a lot of things. I love a lot of things, or I used to.

I’m so deeply lost in the unhealthy that I am, get this: contemplating selling my first edition Harry Potters I have. Mmhm, Yup. My first editions of all the American copies that came out back when I was growing up with Harry.

The same is to be said for my Tolkien books; I literally look at things I own and get sick. I feel wasteful and empty.

I also hate my weight. Which, borderline, I hate myself. I absolutely am sick and disgusted that I am fat. It makes me cringe and hide further into my own head; avoiding is how I cope.

#depression #harry potter #tolkien #mental health #insomnia

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datingadviceonreddit · 7 years

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My age and lack of sexual experienceare already in the title. I have also never been in a relationship or intimate in any way with a woman.Facts I cannot change (at least immediately) about myself: I am still a student living with my parents studying passionately in two majors. I have PTSD and major depression and spent all of childhood in a depressive trance which my over-protective and deeply troubled parents never got checked. I don't mean to give you my life story; I am just saying that I am not lazy and that is not why I am late in life. So extremely socially anxious in school never made good friends never mind talking to girls thus leading to awkward and ineffective social skills. Depression and anxiety still make keeping a steady pace towards graduation an obstacle. I am quite and shy and a bit odd like in the sense that I am not really in tune with popular culture, don;t really find talking about people's relationship juicey, don't like clubs, don't drink (rarely if ever). Oh and since physical appearances matter I am 6 feet, with decent muscle mass but with your average pot belly.Ok so here's how I feel about this whole thing and I want to know if I am being too pessimistic.Women tend to be attracted to guys with jobs and money especially at my age (I say this because about 7 women became completely disinterested at a mixer when I told them I was still a student; I'm sure not all women are and I'm sure most women are not explicity looking for rich guys) I want to have a satisfying job one day though making 6-figures or close to it is unlikely and I am completely ok with that. I love pure mathematics and I am not giving up passion for money.I am shy, awkward and closed off. I only have one really good friend (and I make sure I'm as authentic as I can be a friend to her) and I have a history of being traumatized about my sexuality by women including my mom and I hate when women (girls actually) have called me a creep just for showing interest in them. Perhaps I was not subtle enough the few times I did try years ago. Anyway I think its the worst thing to call someone a creep when the other person has been thinking about her for days and has been respectable and invisible really. (Sorry I am hurting so I'm ranting here). But hey lool on the bright side I feel like the song Creep by Radiohead was written just for me by some brilliant concidence.I DO NOT WANT TO HOOK UP WITH JUST ANYONE. Like I said I'm insecure about my sexuality and understandably so and I do not find the idea of appealing. I want a relationship and to know her reasonably well enough. I don't think my virginity or first kiss is special I just want to be able to enjoy intimacy and can't do that if I am not comfortable around her. I do not want to change this about myself.Most people go through I assume 6-12 serious relationships before they learn what the best possible mate looks like for them. I am already late, wasted my 20s, and I'll probably be too old if I were to go through half a dozen to a dozen relationships.I hate online dating. If girls get bombarded with emails then as a guy I never hear back or get any messages and it becomes a constant source of rejection. Plus its a meat market. I'm not doing it again. This probably puts me at a disadvantage although I feel like there was never any advantage to be had. Just money down the drain.So given where I am what do you guys think of the probablility I can find someone to be in love with?? I am a romantic because I grew up that way but I try vigilantly to keep a realistic view of the world so I am not asking for the perfect one, I know relationships are hard, I'm not afraid of that as long as I can trust the person. I'm asking what is the likely hood of my most important dream coming true (assuming I keep working on the stuff in number 2 but its never completely done with)? Be honest, even cruel if you think its unlikely. I am constantly bothered by this often crippling feeling its never going to happen. I want to know some real world opinions so I know if I should focus on abstinence and accept it won't happen and just try to enrich my life in solitude OR if it would be best I do not give up?Just some points on what I don't want to hear because they really piss me off and DO NOT HELP:Don't just say I should focus on myself. I do focus on myself and have been for the past 5 years. Mental illness thats been there your whole life isn't something that is likely to ever go away. And partly also because it implies that just because a part of my life is beholden to this thing I shouldn't experience life in the same way as a healthy person. My mental illness and recovery has given me plenty of experiences and tools that have already made me a unique and worthy person. Both my doctors agree that it would be a good thing for me to give dating a try.Don't say because I like math I'm probably too calculating and logical so I need to be more sensitive around other people. Believe me just because I like math doesn't mean I live like spock.Don't tell me to start something with my friend. She is like a sister to me. And she is gay. I'm not going to disrepect myself or her sexuality by even entertaining the thought. Some guys find this hard to understand.Sorry if this went too long. via /r/dating_advice

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spacs · 7 years

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@thekindmagic IT WILL BE FINISHED TOMORROW BUT HERE HAVE THIS