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theholyyuunoaduck · 4 years

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Purpouse......every living thing has it but what is it thats what we all search for what we all crave

Perhaps life is just all of searching for that very thing that gives it meaning so what might be yours....hm?

Copper thats all that was registering towards his senses the taste

The smell full of copper yuu was suspended in the air by his friends possessed body being held by the throat beaten badly the remenants of his sword formed of salt began to crumble yet his hand gripped and gripped the handle of his blade as if it would somehow save everyone and everything the markings across his body from the curse began to receed

"Ah...i wish the sky was blue instead of this red shade" he would think to himself

"You know its rude to ignore the one you love when they ask you something" her voice or perhaps his voice reverberated in his ears the melodic tone of shigamas vocal cords ran through his brain sounding like the mix of the both of them

Go......to hell...

Hmm intresting

Shigama braught yuu's face closer to the body of the possessed girl with lilac hair her wings seemed to suspend them both in the air looking as if her lips were mere inches from his as her lips parted revealing her fangs

What makes you think this isnt hell already

Her lips curled around his exposed neck but stopped midway as her body shook ever so slightly as if there was a break sputtering towards a stop

H..haha...still trying to fight are you shinoa....just stay asleep for a while longer....it'll all be over soon

Yuu now!! A voice entered yuu's mind as if the words were always there the familiar voice of his demon called out to him they wouldn't receive this chance again and yuu knew it

There was no time for hesitation

No room to falter right now everything had been entrusted to him guren his freinds his family everyone was counting on him the entire world but most importantly shinoa was counting on him and he knew this as his blade peirced her heart before shi could regain control of the body he so longed for the perfect vessel as he would always call it

Gh! H-how dare you..! The angelic figure sputtered and coughed blood doing his best to pull away but yuu wouldnt let him get away they both began to fall together towards the fall however this was of no concern to yuichiro as he closed his eyes and took another deep breath within himself

The wind blew through his hair and the sweet scent of roses tickled his nostrils as he opened his eyes he no longer found himself within the world only humans new the plane of existence we could all see and feel now he was within her heart asuramaru had been right this was the only way to enter her heart the sensation falling did not leave him as he looked around the white cloudy noise that seemed to perfiate all around him he was now within the demons heart and his destination where the iron doors leading to the heart of another the source of the sickly sweet smell of petals dancing in the wind his wounds had healed and he felt as if there was nothing that could stop him however he knew this to be far from the truth

Youll only have a few minutes before the angel takes over yuu...and once you give me to shinoa

Ill be gone....right we already know the plan....lets just hope i can do this....

We will....

Right......yuu's eyes no longer held the depth of despair and emptiness his eyes gleamed with new found determination and purpose everyone was counting on him

She is counting on him his eyes began to turn a shade of darkness that would swallow the ocean themselves leaving the iris of them stained with honey a sweet flavor perhaps the only sweet thing that could be said about all day since the fight had begun as he passed through the gates that seemed unmovible before his sense of balance began to shift as if the earth within their hearts rotated and started pulling him up rather than gravity pulling him down and there he was the vestige of everything leading up to this moment all the suffering the pain the loss all of it culminated before his eyes the angel seemed to not have noticed but only a naive fool would beleive in those thoughts it was more accurate to say he did not acknowledged his existence as a threat chosing instead to keep his back turned consuming his long awaited prize blood trickling from his fangs as he panted and let go of the milky white skin of shinoa's neck perverted by the crimson wholes that gave evidence of shigama's testiment towards the word vampire

Shinoa was slumped over chained to pillars as if she was long gone but the world around them the deep red rather than the white skys would say other wise his senses were now more in tune due to the curse and the angel that the boy seemed to be comprised of his ears could catch it the faint yet evident beating of her heart so much of it had already been consumed by the demon a tenth maby even less had remained of the girl and this infuriated him to no end his teeth grinded his fists clenched as he stared down the monster before him the fight against time.....the fight to save her heart her very existence was about to begin and the odds had never been stacked higher against him and he knew this his breath hitched but from what he could not descern from fear? Fear of what? Fear of death? He had died before multiple times in fact no he did not fear death....there was only one word that could describe this feeling

Anger

Pure unfiltered rage thats all that clouded his mind the images playing freshly within his mind of shigamas pale lips against her neck the deep gnashes within his friends his father were they dead? He couldn't think of such things right now

He needed to focus

Thats right yuu focus your attention here...right now for this will be....your final death......the beautifull angel turned to look towards his creation

I will be God by the end of this ba-

He could not finish the words before yuu charged him focusing everything he had towards his speed pushing him farther and farther towards the open gates he had tried so long to open yet could never so much as budge them he was surely suprised by this development as he flapped his wings open hoping to stop the momentum of yuu's wings and physical strength that focused on the point of his neck it was obvious what his goal was remove him.from the heart of his beloved

GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The room filled with his anger his rage but it would not be enough as his heels began to screetch against the walls that were stained red signifying shinoa's humanity

ASURA-KANNON: THOUSAND BLADES

Yuu yelled at the top of his lungs with such force the taste of copper began to fill his mouth again

Thousands of blades appeared from nowhere and everywhere all of them fixed on a single point aimed and poised towards one objective

FORCE HIM OUT

Yuu yelled once again as the blades all flew towards the pair that seemed to slow in their stop every milla second that passed

Youre desperate.... He said calmly as the blades began hurdling towards him causing smoak to rise with each blade hitting him causing his body to take another screetching inch backwards towards the door

He was right yuu knew this all too well this wasnt a sign of strength being able to push shigama doji back this was an act of desperation forcing every muscle strand to strain and pop all in the vain effort to force him out as fast as he could before his body would give out

Klank the final blade hit the floor with the sound that seemed to echo once again deepening yuu's despair he gasped looking up as shigama slapped him across the face sending him huddling towards the spot where this all began rolling through the floor he gasped coming out of the ground panting the dust just begginging to settle

Fuck....

Mmm smart....but that was all instinct wasnt it yuichiro

Had you not blocked that attack when you had

The dust revealed yuichiro's mangled arm that seemed to be a simple cracker after dropping it from the empire state while the other was completely grinded to dust

Youd have lost your head.....

It was a good attempt dont get me wrong...futile as it may have been

Yuu began to wobble back to his feet the blade of salt begginging to form within his palm

Oh please...shigama crossed the distance between the both of them within the flash of a second split by the same blade that so desperately tried to sever his head and push him back a second ago

The explosion of the impact destroyed the pillars holding shinoa down crushing her body underneath the same pillars and sent yuichiros blade flying through the air slicing it and landing near her viscinity

Atop him was the angel that seemed to toy with him yuu's hands seemed to bearly hold hi head away from him

N-nghh!! His grunts where loud and strained he gasped as shi's needle like fangs punctured his neck like wet paper he gasped in pain and tugged at the hair of the beast his body began to go limp as he looked towards shinoa for what felt like would be the last time....how many times has he failed her in such a way..

Shi...shinoa..!....please..!

His hand outstretched towards the rubble and his blade

Shinoa...please was all that she could hear where was she was this a dream it sure felt like one weightless and without strength as if no matter how hard her fists would move itd feel as if something held her force back within a dream but she willed every finger every fiber of her being to reach towards the emerald blade so close to her if only she could reach out for it

Yuu's vision began to fade towards black perhaps this was finally the time to resign there would be no happy ending no hero saving the day after all he aways wasn't much of a hero the real hero to him had always been

Her

His eyes shot up as wide as they could possibly go to see the strands of lilac push against the winds of fate as his head rung from the blow and her battle cry she was doing it she peirced the blade through the monsters shoulder and pushed him towards his destination

HRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

She yelled at the top of her lungs pushing and pushing once again shigama flapped his majestic wings but this time in desperation

Shit!! Stop!

GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

shi turned his head to witness the monester that yelled that same cry once again the angel he had created charged at the both of them and held tight to the appendages that begged to be let go in order to stop the flow of motion however

HAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

They yelled in unison as they both with all their combined might threw the first outside the walls and quickly shut behind them the world no longer red but white they had succeded in the first step to victory the first shook in anger and looked towards his hands that trembled but not shierly of anger nor fear but from weakness having been ripped out of his hosts perfect body essentially split his power by half...the other half found its way towards their true owner as she puffed her chest with her trademark smirk

The balls on our side now...

Grr....dont be so cocky now..ive been in before and ill return once more

The both of them stood up panting staring down their assailent hearts quivering in anticipation at what would be undoubtedly their final confrontation as their eyes glossed over with determination and anger every emotion culminated in thousands of years burned within their eyes as they stood up slowly

I forgot who asked me to write what i would think about would be the ending of owari no seraph and i have to say sorry!! Dyslexia is a bitch!! If you remmember who you are please slap me for forgetting

Anyway to keep my stories fresh ill be posting it in peices

#owari no seraph #seraph of the end #yuichiro hyakuya #shinoa hiiragi #shikama doji

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angrylizardjacket · 5 years

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and then there was light [4] {Roger Taylor}

A/N: 5060 words. part 4? part 4. it’s a bit of a darker one and before you ask, there will be a part 5, you know i wouldn’t end it on a cliffhanger and do you dirty like that.

[part 1] [part 2] [part 3]

The moment Roger steps foot into the meeting about the design of the shows for the upcoming American legs of the ‘Night at the Opera’ world tour, he’s pretty sure he’s already mentally checked out. Freddie’s doing all the talking, to literally no-one’s surprise; the man has big ambitions for his own costumes, and knows the other guys will pipe up about their own needs when they get to meet with just the costume designer. John Reid brings up the technical requirements, Roger’s got the ‘galileo’s from Bohemian Rhapsody playing on repeat in his head as he stares into the middle distance, and it’s Deaky who sits forward.

“We’ve got a pretty solid idea for the lights; Freddie and I have been consulting with a designer in America; she’s freelance, used to work for EMI, she’s reliable.” He assures, and Roger’s thinking ‘hey that sounds familiar’ but Reid seems satisfied and they’re already moving on to the staging and sound equipment needed.

Roger doesn’t connect the dots at first; it’s been almost four years since that fateful American tour, and they’ve had other tours come and go since, and as far as the others are concerned, they’re pretty sure he hasn’t spared you a thought since arriving home at the end of that tour. But he does, even if he doesn’t mean to.

The tour after you’d quit working for EMI, someone drops a parcan side of stage, and his heart is in his throat when he realises he was waiting to hear you yell ‘okay that one wasn’t my fault’ or something similar. All he hears is a faint apology, and a call from someone to get a broom. The scheduling’s different this time around, he can’t even have a cigarette in an empty theatre without some stagehand buzzing back and forth, or a band member trotting across the stage as they practice. It would be so much easier to lay on the stage if the rest of them were confined to one place while they played, like he was behind the drums. It’d be boring as shit, he would be the first to acknowledge that, but it would mean he would get stepped on less during lunch, and that’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make with the toe of Freddie’s shoe poking at his waist.

Nothing serious had come his way in that time, or rather, he’d never found anyone who could hold his attention for more than a week or two. People became dreadfully boring when all they wanted to do was faun over him and fuck him; not that it wasn’t fun at first, it was always fun at first, but there was a lack of variety, a sinking sensation that these people were more attracted to the idea of him that left a sour aftertaste.

But now he’s here, new company, new album, second leg of the new tour, new chance to sample all different women across this great nation. He’s already a little tipsy from his multiple jack and coke’s on the plane when they land, and he’s passed out on the tour bus before it even gets to the first tour stop. Once in Conneticut, he’s dragged from the bus, and informed that as soon as the tech crew had finished their meeting, they could start loading in their instruments.

“How long have they been here?” Brian asks the stage hand, and the guy shrugs.

“A couple of hours; the Floor Tech wanted the drum risers set up before she gave the brief.” He tells them as he lead the band in to the theatre, where most of the crew were milling about on stage.

“She always did have a flare for the dramatic.” John says with a grin where his eyes were trained on the stage, and Freddie hums in agreement, which only serves to confuse Roger further until he sees an all too familiar figure climbing the drum risers with a clipboard in hand.

“Alright guys, can I have your attention, please?” Even after all these years, the sound of your voice hits Roger square in the chest. “I wanna make this as quick and painless as possible, so after today we can bump in and bump out without any hassles.” You addressed the crowd with an easy confidence from your place at the top of the drum risers, tapping your nails against the back of the clipboard in your hands, wearing the overalls he’d seen you in so many times before.

“You can call me Spotlight; I’m the Head Floor Tech for the tour, as well as lighting designer; those of you on my lighting team, you’ve got a copy of the lighting plan, and I’ll be talking to you about how we’re gonna run it after this. Next time, I’ll get some help from the stage hands to set up the drum risers, I had a few people help me today to get them set up early, but that’s just because I like being tall.” With a sharp grin you pause as a titter of laughter spreads around the group, “stage management team, you’re in charge of making sure side of stage is set up with anything the band needs, and that it’s clear of unnecessary clutter and people, and running cabling for the sound guys; they’ll tell you what they need.”

After a beat, you look around the gathered crowd, and nod firmly, a gesture which a few of them return.

“If you have any questions, remember; find your Light.” You point directly at yourself. “We break for lunch at one, but until then we’ve got a lot to get through; let’s get rockin’.” Grinning brightly, you hop down from the risers into the crowd of crew members, ushering a bunch, each holding a sheet of paper, off to the side, as the others scattered like cockroaches under light.

“What the fuck is she doing here?” Roger finally finds his voice where he’s still standing, a little dumbstruck, alone in the aisle of the theatre where the others had left him behind.

“Didn’t you hear her speech? Spotlight’s our lighting designer.” Freddie calls over his shoulder, eyes wide and innocent, as if he hadn’t set this all up without thinking to mention it to Roger.

“Our what now?” He splutters, jogging a little to catch up to the other band members as they made their way towards the stage. He’s not quite sure what he’s doing, or what will happen when he gets their; the last thing you’d said to him was that you were stupid to think he was above his reputation, while you were in tears, and then it had been three years of nothing. He’s not going to run, at least he’s pretty sure he’s not; he’s self aware enough to know he was in the wrong last time you spoke, that he was an asshole, but he’s not going to be a coward. Not again.

“That was quite the speech.” John waits patiently until the crew who made up the lighting team had dispersed before addressing the familiar face at the centre. You turn, eyes bright and smile brighter, casually making your way towards him and the rest of the band.

“Yeah, I really feel in my element, you know?” It’s with an easy familiarity that you pull John into a hug, giving him a firm squeeze. “Good to finally see you again.” And then you’re hugging Freddie, and then Brian, and you stop short in front of Roger. It’s a stalemate, neither one wanting to be the first to look away, but both unsure of what to do. In the end, you don’t even offer him a handshake, just nod, and you turn back to the others.

“How’s Pippin been?” Freddie asks, and you’re about to answer, but Roger cuts in.

“Hang on, can someone fill me in here? Lovely to see you, by the way, just a little confused as to how you got here.” He says, and you’re lost for words, just blinking rapidly, trying to process the whole situation.

“Did you not tell him I was working with you guys?” Your words come out incredulous as you turn your gaze upon John and Freddie, who seem just as bewildered as you.

“I thought he’d cotton on when I mentioned an American designer who used to work for EMI.” John mused, turning his gaze on Roger, who frowned, thinking back to the initial meeting he’d just mentioned.

“I did,” Brian piped up, before casting a smile at John and Freddie that was just a little bit confused, “though I wasn’t a part of this little setup.” He tried to reassure the drummer.

“In my defense,” Roger started, before his gaze dropped, “I wasn’t paying attention, design isn’t exactly my forte.” He admitted, and you had to shake your head at that, exasperated and already a exhausted.

“Pippin’s good.” You go back to John’s initial question. Pippin isn’t so much a person as it is a touring version of a Broadway musical that had opened a year ago, to great success.

It turns out a written letter of recommendation from both the lead singer, and bass player of Queen goes rather far in the industry. After taking some time for yourself, you call up EMI to beg them not to fire you, however it turns out you needn’t have; both John and Freddie had given glowing reports of your work ethic and skill, and the man on the other end of the line is just eager to know when you were next available.

The moment you’re on site next, they tell you you’ve been promoted to Floor Tech; they hand you a roll of gaff tape and a drill and a whole new set of responsibilities, heaped onto your usual load. You don’t even remember who had been performing, the tour had only lasted a month, all you know is that they were calling you Spotlight from the moment you’d arrived; apparently it was what Freddie had called you, and John had to clarify.

John is the first to contact you again, through EMI of course, and he becomes something of a comfort when you consider taking your career beyond the company that kept you firmly in the one position on tour. Freddie calls you less often, and never about business; it’s John who gives you the courage to leave EMI, and he’s the one who helps set up as a freelance theatre and event crew member.

People had been head hunting you from tour to tour, beyond even EMI, some smaller acts even giving you the full Lighting Designer role. They expect you to sit back, let a stage hand or an assistant to take care of it, but every time you watch someone else focus a spot, your fingers itch to be doing it yourself. Dedicated to a fault, Roger had once called you, you think about it every time you climb an unsteady ladder, and think perhaps that he’s right.

The moment Pippin announces it’s tour, and puts out calls for crew, you’re first in line for the job, putting your hat in the ring for lighting, but happy enough to take any crew role. Not that you don’t love working with bands, but there’s a certain finesse that comes with theatre lighting that you can’t get anywhere else in the world. After two years, and the support of both John and Freddie, you find yourself as the assistant Lighting Designer, as well as Head Floor Tech, and once you step foot onto the tour bus, everything else becomes history.

Speaking of history, later in the day, after the rest of the crew have broken for lunch, you’re wedged under the drum risers, running some cables, when you hear someone climb up them, taking a seat at the drums.

“If you play one beat-” You’re cut off by Roger’s yell of surprise, as he’s so startled he almost falls off his chair.

“Holy shit, who is that?” He’s breathing heavily, voice panicked, and for a moment you take pleasure imagining clutching his hand to his chest like a delicate, little grandmother.

“Take a wild stab in the dark,” you mutter, unwedging yourself from beneath the structure, raising an eyebrow as you look at him. Almost immediately he’s frowning, and you’re thrown back to the moment almost three years ago where you’d been here before, looking up at him from behind the drum risers after you’d changed out the light mid-show. Clearing your throat loudly, you break the moment, getting to your feet and making your way to the side of the stage.

“What are you doing here?” He calls, watching idly as you go about counting out fly lines until you get to the one you’d been looking for. You’d gotten here early to go through the fly-line procedure with the Duty Tech for the venue, and now you lowered the LX bar it was attached to with ease after making sure there was no-one in the way. Your focus made something in his chest tighten, and he feels like he’s being taken back in time; you’re beautiful when you work, passionate and skilled, meticulous, that hadn’t changed. Roger has to look away.

“My job,” and you just sound tired when you say it, already securing the meticulously placed lights onto the bar you’d just lowered, going along and fixing them to the metal in a neat line. An uncomfortable silence spreads between you, punctuated only by the scrape of metal against metal, and the rattle of the safety chains.

“What are you doing here?” You don’t even try to hide the snippiness from your voice, not even turning to look at his as the accusatory words hang in the air.

“I’m having a smoke in what I thought was going to be relative peace, it’s something I do, okay?” Voice defensive, you hear the rustle of cardboard and hear the click of a cigarette, your annoyance growing with each passing moment.

“No, it’s what I do. It’s what I did three years ago, you just started showing up. You stole my relative peace.” You snapped, turning to him, a blazing fury in your eyes at his words, before your lip curled in disgust, “And you don’t even do anything with it.” You scoffed, and he went quiet, sulking behind his drum kit. Sensing he wasn’t got to talk back you turn back to your work.

The moment you turn away, he sees the way you heave a sigh, angry tension draining from your shoulders, a little hunched as you concentrated. Your hands shake a little as you fiddle with the safety chains. There’s still that confidence there, the ease with which you moved about the stage, but unlike around other people, when it was just Roger - though he suspected you were pretending he wasn’t there - you just looked... weary.

After that first town, he keeps his distance for a few stops, though the other band members look to keep you company on occasion. But then... he’s there again. Quiet this time, he just watches where you hold yourself like royalty at the top of a rickety ladder, so sure of yourself. He’d forgotten the sight of you in your element, and it hits him like a truck.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” You snap when you chance a glance down and see his awestruck expression looking up at you. The shock comes when he actually looks abashed, averting his gaze, picking up his drumsticks and tapping out a rhythm that you’re pretty sure you recognise.

You’re both too stubborn to give the other one the peace of the theatre at lunch, however, while you’re content with stewing in silence as you worked, Roger, to no-one’s surprise, is not.

“How’ve you been?” He brings himself to ask. You stop where you’re replacing a gel on one of the drum riser lights, taking a long moment to consider your words carefully.

“Busy.” Tired. The subtext comes through loud and clear, despite your short answer, and once you’d finished with the light, you stand, before taking a moment to stretch your back out from behind hunched over.

“Working a lot?” I can tell. He answers after a long pause, almost sympathetic, and you know he’s not really responding to the words you’d said out loud.

“Yeah, non stop.” No subtext, just responding at face value, before your eyes up to the mostly finished rig. Afternoons were for last minute fixes and focusing, there wasn’t much left you could do, unless you were willing to ask for Roger’s help.

“When did your last thing end?” He asks, and you click your tongue as you turn on your heel, burned out gel in your hand, heading for a bin.

“Two days before this one.” You admitted. When you’re met with silence, you turn, and Roger’s frowning at you, almost disbelieving.

“You’re not still sleeping on the tour bus, are you?” He asks, and you roll your eyes before you tell him your accommodation is paid for this time around. You’re the first to leave, for the first time since everything had started, you leave halfway through to actually eat lunch, leaving Roger to himself.

When he’s drunk after the show, leaning against some local pub, with a girl leaning against him, heavy enough that the two of them would have tipped over if it wasn’t for the counter, he can’t get you out of his mind.

“I didn’t ruin her career.” His eyes go wide as the words, with something akin to revelation, escape him, and the girl makes a noise of confusion, her fingers ghosting over his chest, but he can’t even bring himself to enjoy it.

“I didn’t ruin her career!” He announces, excited and pleased in his inebriated state, sitting himself so forcefully on the arm of Freddie’s chair that he spills part of his drink. Freddie makes a noise of confusion, looking up at the blonde, and Roger gesticulates enough to spill more of his drink, ignoring Freddie’s yelp. “Spotlight! She said I’d ruined her career!”

“When?” Freddie asks, just as John pops out from seemingly nowhere.

“Well you certainly didn’t help it. That was me.” Roger doesn’t care that John’s drunk, the way bassist says it, so serene and matter-of-fact, makes it sting just a little bit worse. His mood instantly flips.

“Can you piss off? Go be her best friend somewhere else.” Roger snapped, and he knew he’d regret being so sharp with John the following morning, but it seemed John himself knew that Roger was in a mood, and obligingly fucked off, seemingly not taking it to heart. “When we broke up, she accused me of ruining her career.” And he realises too late, when Freddie’s eyes go wide with realisation, that he’s said too much.

“Is this where you tell me exactly what went down between you two?” He asked, tapping Roger’s leg with excitement. The blonde, however, stood abruptly, glower on his face.

“No. Fuck off.”

Roger spends almost fifteen minutes banging on the door of the tour bus before he remembers that you’re not in there, and falls into bed alone, fully clothed.

“The fuck did you say to Freddie last night?” The moment he steps foot onto the stage at lunch, you’re waiting for him, already livid. He’s tempted to turn and walk right back out the door. “Apparently he doesn’t know the real reason that I went home last ti- !”

“Of course he doesn’t!” Roger snapped back, on the defensive without a moment’s hesitation. “It makes me look like a fucking wanker and he’d kick my ass; he adores you!” And that was enough to shock you into silence, grip loosening on the gaff tape in your hands. “They all do.” He said, and your expression turns unreadable.

“I know.” You finally said, a new, strange quality to your voice, it’s something akin to shock, but not quite, and Roger doesn’t know what to say next. “What about you?” You finally ask, voice a little defensive. It hurts to see you look at him with such a judgemental eye, though he’s well aware he deserves it.

“Doesn’t matter, does it? I could apologise a thousand times and you’d still be pissy.” He huffs, and you cross your arms, cocking your hip.

“At least once would be nice.” You level a cold glare at him and his gaze snaps back at yours, surprised. “You never once apologised, you know that?” And your voice is low, hurt and honest. “Are you even sorry for what happened?”

“It was three years ago-” He sighs, but you cut him off, shifting your weight to your other foot, swallowing thickly.

“So that’s a no. Glad to see where you stand.” And you turn to cross the stage to where you’ve already got the ladder set up, but he makes his way to you in three long strides, making to grab at your upper arm. The moment he does, however, you whirl around, slapping him, hard. “I told you to never fucking touch me; did you think I forgot?” And he sees why you were so eager to leave; there’s tears in your eyes, so close to breaking and streaming down your cheeks, your lip trembling. Something about your voice is so raw, it hurts worse than the slap.

“I am sorry.” And he sounds so fucking sincere, but you just glare at him, unashamed where the tears have begun to track down your cheeks.

“You had your chance to say sorry; you had your chance to beg for forgiveness, but you told me I could leave; so I did, and so did your fucking opportunity.” But you can’t bring yourself to step back, frozen in place where he’s less than a foot away. Every fibre of your being is betraying you, wanting to be around him, close to him, after what he did.

“I’m sorry what happened between us;” his voice is so level, carefully controlled, you know he’s think hard about what he’s about to admit, “I fucked up, I know that; I’m sorry. It was three years ago but I’m still sorry. I’ve been sorry for a long time now.”

“Since it happened?” You asked, and he didn’t drop your gaze, answering without flinching or hesitation.

“Since I started worrying I’d lose you; I know what I’m like, I knew what I’d end up doing.” He admitted, and the words clearly didn’t have his intended impact as you stumble back, free hand clutching your chest.

“And yet you still-” And quietly, so quietly you’re not even sure he hears it, the words come out as more of a defeated whimper than anything else; “How could you not tell I was in love with you?”

He’s in shock, and you barge past him, leaving as you can no longer contain your aching heart, and you head to the hotel you were staying at down the road, taking the rest of the lunch break to cry.

When you return, the rest of the crew has filtered in, Roger looks guilty, and Freddie and John look about ready to commit violent homicide, which was unsurprising for Freddie, but there was something comforting about Deaky wearing the expression too. In less than a week, the whole crew knows, and wherever you go, you feel yourself followed by pitying stares, which won’t go away, no matter how hard you throw yourself into your work.

“You’re working yourself into the ground.” Roger tells you a week later, watching the way your arms tremble as you focus a light, and it takes you a moment to blink blearily at him. “Don’t forget the security chain.” He adds, and you scowl, before looking at the light itself, and hurriedly affix the security chain to the rig. You insist that you’re fine, making your way down the ladder to scoop up another parcan, but you almost immediately drop it.

“I just need some food.” You try to insist, your hands shaking as you leave the light where it is.

You don’t come out after shows, and it’s not gone unnoticed. The rest of the crew think you’re just dedicated, personable for the most part but prone to bouts of standoffishness.

“Oh you should have seen her on our first tour,” Freddie muses to an enraptured crowd at an afterparty, a few crew members listening with a bright-eyed attention, “that woman risked life and limb for our show.” And he sounds so proud when he says it, but something twists uncomfortably in Roger’s gut.

Cracks don’t show around other people, Roger’s noticed; you’re smile’s bright enough and your voice is loud enough that they don’t see the way your hands shake. Or how tired your eyes are. But then there are moments, you stand as if in the eye of the storm, gaff tape and drill in hand, watching as people follow your instructions without question, and you look up to see Roger tweaking his drums, and the two of you share a look. It’s a little indecipherable, he’s concerned and you’re just... tired. He wants to offer to help, but as soon as the moment arrives, it’s passed, and you’re off to the next task.

The air between the two of you has lost it’s angry tension; after saying your peace, after hearing his apology, there’s no fight left. Just a lingering disappointment, a quiet like the moment after a world-weary sigh. You don’t have to pretend around Roger, you both know he’d see through it if you’d tried.

“You should come get a drink after; you look like you need it.” Roger laughs, but there’s no humour in it. Without missing a beat, you decline, you don’t even bother coming up with an excuse.

“I’m worried about you.” The tour is almost three weeks in, and you’re asleep against the proscenium arch when he walks in. You wake with a start at the sound of his voice, reaching out for the light you’d been fiddling with before you’d passed out. When you look to him with confusion, he repeats himself slowly. “I’m worried about you; are you sleeping okay?”

“As if that’s any of your business.” You snapped back, and Roger kept quiet. It only takes him a day to figure out that sleep isn’t really a luxury you allowed yourself; you were the last out every night after bump out, sometimes staying until two in the morning, and from what the crew said, you were always the first up, running through check lists, accident reports, and going over anything that needed maintenance.

When Freddie asks you to come out with them after a gig, you find it difficult to say no, he helped get you this job after all, but you’re there for barely half an hour before Roger sees you slip out the side door, drink untouched.

John asks if you’re okay one afternoon when you drop a stack of gel frames without warning, jumping almost a foot in the air and looking like you’re about to break into tears from shock, but seems content when you explain you’re just tired. Tired doesn’t even begin to cover how overworked you are.

The night you finally decide to relax a little, bump out having been miraculously fast, you’ve got the next day off. The others cheer you on as you down drink after drink, the alcohol hitting you hard and quickly, and the world gets blurry as you find yourself on the dance floor. It’s easy to drink too much, because for the first time in a long time, you’re relaxed, not worrying about the pretty, dickhead blonde who worries about you when he really shouldn’t.

You’re drunk enough to admit to yourself that part of you likes the attention he’s giving you, it feels like vindication for the heartache you went through all those years ago. Part of it’s not even vindictive, part of you just likes the way he looks at you, the way his smile made your heart beat just a little faster; you call that part a fucking traitor and have another drink.

You don’t remember leaving the bar, but you come back to your body when you’re leaning against a streetlight for support, halfway through telling someone to fuck off.

“Ya’ not my caretaker, Roger,” you sneer, “you don’t need to look after me or whatever this is. Go help groupies home or to hotel or whatever.” You spit, and push off from the light, turning on your heel, almost topple over, and right yourself.

“Light, that’s the wrong way.” He calls, exasperated, and you turn again, this time actually crashing to the ground and grazing your hand on the way, before you get to your feet. He’s come over to try and help you, but you swat him away.

“You don’t get to call me that.” You stalk ahead of him in the direction he had come from, back toward the hotel, and he follows only a few steps behind.

“Fine, Y/N; you’re legless, let me help.” And after a moment of intense eye contact, in which you try to weigh up your options, you begrudgingly loop your arm through his.

“You’re still on my shit-list.” You inform him, and he hums in acknowledgement. “Why are you doing this?” You follow it up with.

“I’m not the asshole who fucked you over three years ago, and I’m not gonna let you get yourself killed for this show.” He said through gritted teeth, and you just smiled, a little dreamily.

“But what a way to go.” And he came to an abrupt stop. It took you a moment to realise, and looking back, you tugged on his arm to keep him moving. He just frowned at you, a little concerned. “Fuck, I didn’t mean it.”

“If I have to fire you to get you to take a break-” He threatened, and you scoffed, expression turning bitter.

“I’ll drop a light on you.”

“You’ll drop a light on me by accident before then anyways!” He crowed, and your expression fell, contemplative. “Just let me help; what do I have to do to make you actually rest? What do I have to do to prove myself?”

#roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x reader #bohemian rhapsody #borhap #bo rhap #borhap imagine #bohemian rhapsody imagine #freddie mercury #john deacon #brian may #and then there was light #ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #the angry lizard writes

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dreamernagi · 4 years

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It’s 1:30 in the morning and ive been laying awake for over two hours now and i was just... thinking.

Thinking about how blind and stupid ive been.

These past couple years ive been so confused about relationships and dating and having crushes that i just forgot about it bc im too busy doing other stuff. Im finishing my degree and spending time on myself and with my best friends and ive been content not thinking about anything in the romance department.

But i started thinking about the stuff ive been through the last couple years regarding my previous crushes and my sexuality crisis. When i moved to wisconsin i almost immediately had feelings for this one specific guy but when i had the opportunity to confess (even when i knew he reciprocated the interest), i froze up and never really thought about it again. I thought it was too soon and i was too scared to say anything.

Then i got even more distracted when i liked this girl for a long time, to the point where i even CONFESSED. I confessed before summer vacation to give her time to think about things, which ultimately led to rejection when the fall semester came around. Tbh tho, thank fucking god cause that girl is a class A bitch and shes with someone as equally shitty and i really dodged a bullet.

Then, i was like 1000% sure that i finally figured out my sexual orientation. Im a lesbian. 100% into women, not even romantically interested in guys, not at all. Just gay. Only girls. I thought that my fleeting crushes on boys were just me being lonely and as a result id develop a “crush” on anyone who was nice to me.

But i just... cant stop thinking about him. I just think about him and he makes me smile and i want to spend time with him and i get sad when i go long periods of time without seeing him. I hate that im too shy to really ask to hang out with him outside of anime club too much cause its almost like if i do that then im going to fall hard and i dont know what id do then.

It even extends beyond just having similar interests. His hugs are so warm and comforting and even then there are other fleeting touches. How he’ll put his arm around me sometimes and literally every time i see him he’ll compliment me and tell me i look good or hot or whatever. Every time im down on myself hes there to encourage me.

But ive already told him (and basically everyone) that im gay, and ill make silly comments about getting a gf one day and that he should TOTALLY introduce me to some of his other lgbtq+ friends so i may hit it off with one of them. But really... maybe this whole time ive been into him? The way he talks to me makes me feel like he still has feelings for me too.

He always says how im “gf goals” and that im going to make someone really happy one day and i always found it really sweet. And idk... maybe... if i just give it a shot... i could try it? With him? Try dating him?

Im just so scared because hes just... the most caring and sweet guy ive ever met and if i did try dating him and find out that i really am gay, that all these confusing feelings ARE just me being lonely, itd break his heart. He doesnt deserve to have something like that happen to him, esp if he really does like me in that way. He just deserves so much better than me; someone whos often distracted, confused on what i really want and who i am... i dont know what to do, or even how to take that final step if i decided to pursue it.

It doesnt help that i literally dont have anyone to talk to about this stuff. My bff is really weird with romantic stuff and they also know him as well, and i feel like if i told them about these conflicting feelings i have theyd be... disappointed? I dont know how to describe it. I guess just after years and years of affirming that im a lesbian and have no interest in guys to suddenly come out and be like “hey i kinda really unironically wanna date this cis guy” theyd be floored and possibly weirded out? Sigh, idk...

I just really like him and i only have a semester left at whitewater to be around him. I feel like im running out of time. I should just go for it!! But then the other part of me is like NO FOOL DONT DO THAT UR GOING TO FUCK IT UP!!

Uuuuuuggghhhh

#im sleepy

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missnight0wl · 5 years

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Hide-and-seek

Summary: Sometimes, friends develop weird habits that only they can really appreciate. Helena and Bill, for example, like to play hide-and-seek around the castle.

Note: Semi-requested? Definitely inspired by @saintlester ‘s comment from this post:

So I thought: why not? Hope you’ll like it!

Words: 960

Spring, 1986

“Hey, Weasley!” someone called Bill in the corridor. The redhead turned around to see a Gryffindor from a year below. “You got a note from the cursed kid,” he said, giving him a piece of paper.

“Her name is Helena,” Bill remarked, frowning.

“Right, sorry.” The boy got slightly embarrassed and disappeared as soon as his older colleague had taken the message.

I’m in the Courtyard. Come find me. – Helena, it said.

Bill thought it’s a tad weird, but he had some free time, so he decided to go to the specified location. After he arrived, however, there was no sign of his friend. He even asked some students about her, though nobody had seen her. He was about to leave when he noticed Ravenclaw robes sticking out from behind the pillar. He went around it to find Helena squatting.

She beamed, lifting her head. “Congratulations, you found me!”

“What are you talking about?” he chuckled.

“You know, like in hide-and-seek,” she explained. “You seemed so stress out about your studies and the whole prefect talk, that I figured it’ll be good for you to take a break…”

“Well, you could’ve just told me that.”

Helena’s smile faded a bit. “Yeah, but I thought it’d be more fun that way…” she said hesitantly. “Are you mad at me?”

Bill looked in her upset eyes. He never could be angry at his siblings for long, even at the foster ones. “Of course, I’m not,” he replied, gently tousling her hair.

December 1986

Helena glanced once more at the note from Bill. We need to talk. Come find me in the Great Hall. She assumed it had to be about the Vaults, there was quite a lot going on in that matter recently. Nevertheless, the prefect was not present there, at least not at the Gryffindors table. It was Christmas season already, and she was slightly distracted by all the decorations which had appeared in the castle, but then, Bill was rather hard to miss.

While she was looking closely at each person again, she noticed Charlie Weasley watching her. They weren’t really close despite being in the same year. However, since she was spending more time with Bill, she also got to know his younger brother a little better, so she waved at him friendly. He returned the gesture and pointed his head at one of the Christmas trees. The girl raised her eyebrows questioningly, yet the redhead just repeated the previous sign. Eventually getting a hint, Helena went in that direction and checked behind the giant fir.

“What? It’s not fair!” said startled Bill. “How did you find me so quickly? I just saw you entering the Hall…” He paused because he spotted another Weasley laughing surreptitiously. “Damn you, Charlie.”

“Nice hideout,” Helena pointed out, smirking.

“Yeah, it could’ve been… So how you’re doing?” he asked with concern. “I’ve heard about your brother’s room and the Boggart.”

“Oh, I’m surprisingly fine. Thanks for asking,” she replied blithely, yet the Gryffindor didn’t seem to quite believe her.

“Well, I was hoping to occupy you for longer,” he started. “Y’know, maybe focus more on festive spirit. But since someone decided to ruin the fun, maybe we could go to Hogsmeade this weekend?”

She nodded enthusiastically. “Sounds good to me!”

“Then it’s settled. Perhaps I should try to bring that traitor too…” Bill peeked at Charlie. “If you don’t mind, that is.”

“Not at all. The more, the merrier, as they say.”

When Helena started the whole hide-and-seek game, she actually thought about the times she had played it with Jacob back at home. She got a feeling Bill must’ve figured it out, and she was really grateful for that – especially during such moments like holidays.

Spring, 1987

It was insufferable to see Bill being so heartbroken. He was trying to keep up appearances, but Helena would rather be around him – just in case. Simultaneously, she was trying to give him some space, even though it turned out to be pretty hard.

“Bill, you can’t do it to yourself…” she said finally. “She’s an awful girl, and you have to be above that…”

The Gryffindor sighed and closed his book. He started packing his many notes. ”I don’t really want to talk about it, Helen,” he said blandly.

He stood up and left his friend without a word. She felt remorseful, but then she noticed a small card left on the table, so she picked it up. She recognised Bill’s handwriting.

Count to a hundred and come find me. I’ll be on the first floor (I might be still in the Library).

Autumn, 1987

“Helen! Where are you?!”

Bill was seriously panicked. Not only he lost his brother in the Forbidden Forest, but now also his friend seemed to be missing. Great job at being the responsible one.

“I’m right here!” Helena emerged from behind the bushes. “I thought I saw Charlie, but it wasn’t him.”

“Well, WHAT WAS IT?” he asked, his eyes widening.

The girl shrugged. “I don’t know. Some animal?”

“Helen, every creature here might kill you. You can’t be so airy about it.”

“I’m not,” she frowned. “It simply ran away before I knew it, that’s all.”

“All right.” Bill calmed down a little. He didn’t want to make her nervous too. “Just, don’t wander off anymore, okay? For a second I got scared that you’ve decided to play hide-and-seek again…”

“Don’t give me ideas, Bill,” she teased him.

“Don’t. Just don’t.”

Helena kept her promise, and in future years she never hid in the Forbidden Forest. Still, they went back to their friendly habit when they were again together in Egypt, except this time, they were playing in the pyramids. It was driving Patricia Rakepick crazy.

#hogwarts mystery #hphm #hphm mc #jacob's sibling #helena ellis #bill weasley #my writing

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neverheardnothing · 5 years

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what the hell will winston (and the rest of the tmc gang) even DO while working at axe cap? because axe cap clearly does NOT want quants since axe scrapped the whole team as soon as he came back.

im kinda assuming that it’s just the main 5 of them going to work at the axe cap offices for now. how does axe respond to this? the deal he made was for taylor to come work at axe cap again for a while. he really only wants taylor there. he couldnt give less of a shit about the others (well, he wants revenge on mafee). so what does he do with sara, lauren, and winston?

does winston get absorbed into their IT department? like that poor dude who got yelled at a lot when the power went out at axe cap? that’s not really his specialty though, so i cant imagine him actually going there. or does no one really notice that he’s there and so he just sits around all day and pretends he’s working, but really he’s just dicking around on reddit or working on his own projects. he just tries to keep his head down and blend into all the faceless employees at axe cap before they realize that he’s not actually doing anything all day. what about the rest of the quant team at tmc? what are they doing? in fact, what are all of the rest of the employees at tmc doing? are they also coming along to work at axe cap and we just didn’t see them there initially, or are they all back at the tmc offices just hanging around and continuing to work there. can axe cap fit all these sudden new employees arriving? how many people work at tmc? i have so many questions. back to assuming only the 5 of them go to axe cap.

or maybe the fact that winston is a quant is like a Known Fact and so all the traders at axe cap are wary of him because hes the Guy Who’s Gonna Take Their Jobs. and on the outside his personality is very brash and there’s a lot of bravado there so i can see some of them (not like dollar bill or bonnie lmao) being scared of him initially. ben kim is probably scared of winston lmao. his freakout to wendy about how he should have listened to his mom and learned how to code is coming back now that there’s an actual person here working at axe cap who is the Future of what his job will be. dollar bill and bonnie probably threaten to break his nose in or something while also very lowkey being scared.

back to everyones jobs...

lauren’s job seems pretty relevant. investor relations is important for hedge funds probably and i assume they can always use more people in that department, especially since i dont think we’ve seen anyone there before from axe cap. and if lauren is as good at it as she seems to be, then they would probably really like to use her. though would they trust her to interact with investors since she is the Enemy tm? i dont think they would want someone that hates them to be the person interacting with their investors, especially since the last time that happened, taylor walked away with billions in money from investors that were supposed to be investing in axe cap. theyre not gonna let that happen again anytime soon. maybe axe thinks the pressure of what he “has” on taylor will be enough to keep lauren in line, but still. axe has no idea what lauren could be saying to his investors.

sara, however, what the hell is sara doing? her job is chief operating officer. which is the same title as wags, but at axe cap taylor will have no real power like they did before, so sara definitely wont either. i honestly have no IDEA what sara could be doing at axe cap tbh. thats her entire section. ive got nothing. please let me know if you think of something.

mafee has a job! he goes back to what he was doing before, but now he’s like the least popular guy in the room. except to ben kim. he’s fucking over the moon that mafee is back as we saw at the end of s4. number of traders at axe cap with even the slightest trace of morals: 2 again. i assume he and ben hang out a decent amount at work now, especially since i dont think anyone else would want to be around mafee because of the whole traitor thing. (ps how the fuck is the interaction between mafee and wendy after that whole “youre a garbage person” thing?)

ben doesnt seem to be the kind to care about his “social standing” within the company falling because he’s hanging out with mafee. i mean he gives a friendly hi to the two least popular people in the room at the moment of Highest Tension. he does NOT give a fuck. i assume winston probably also hangs out a decent amount around mafee because that’s the only other tmc person who is In The Office on the ground floor (since lauren’s job is kinda.. talking to people Outside of the office and taylor is off upstairs making those Brilliant Taylor Ideas with their big brain and being forced to hang with axe. maybe sara is also around there i guess, but she doesnt seem to be the kind to just.. hang about). but anyways this is a prime opportunity for winston and ben kim to interact, im just saying @ brian koppelman and david levien. ben is probably a lil bit scared of winston in the beginning since u know. thats his job taker right there, but he warms up to winston eventually. this isnt a benston post, ill move on now.

(just kidding. im not done. i know the popular benston thing is that theyve secretly been dating all this time but imagine them meeting for the first time at axe cap in s5. ben and mafee are eating lunch together (acai bowls prob lmao) or something and winston just drops in, kicks his feet up on the table (mafee rolls his eyes) and casually says hi. ben on the inside is all like Ah Shit That’s The Quant Dude because he’s totally been avoiding winston up till now, but the dude is sitting across the table from him he can’t just not acknowledge him. or possibly ben has the opposite reaction. he’s grown a bit of a backbone since the last time quants were brought up. makes a show of not being scared of winston but also not being an ass to him, which makes winston respect him since everyone else here has been pretty hostile to him so far. i think winston probably has a good impression of ben because he was nice to taylor and mafee at the end of s4 and the fact that he and mafee are hanging around, so he must not be That Bad. and winston doesn’t seem to be very into the axe vs taylor rivalry (re the whole comp rant) so he probably won’t hate someone just because they work for axe cap. anyways this is the beginning of their long and healthy relationship. benston endgame yall.)

does wags remember winston? he must. that was quite an Impression he made during his interview. what are his interactions with wags like, if any? is winston all snarky like “ha, you passed on hiring me but im here anyways, fuck you” or is he wary around wags because he’s still thinking about how he got Destroyed in that interview. i dont think the walk of shame out of the building must have been something he forgot quickly. i think wags would be quick to call out winston if he weren’t doing anything while at axe cap. the interaction would probably go something like this: “ur not doing any goddamn work.” “yeah i know, u guys dont want quants, what am i gonna do?” “well, figure something out” (implied or else there). winston quickly figures something out. probably automates some stuff for them or something.

also, do people in general remember him as the guy who was REAL happy after the boxing match? i mean he kinda made a big scene. he was cheering and yelling and screaming “i won!! i motherfucking won!!” after everyone else was sitting around dejectedly because their team lost and they lost money. you have to remember that Weird Guy having a blast after everyone in the room is upset. do they seem him walk in at axe cap and go “ah, that fuckin weirdo.”

god, examining any aspect of billions for more than 3 seconds makes you realize how much of a disaster everything is. id definitely watch a show that’s just the office dynamics at axe cap now that the tmc gang is there. lord knows itd be more interesting than what’s been happening in the show up until now.

#billions #winston billions #ben kim #dudley mafee #taylor mason #sara hammon #lauren turner #wags #dollar bill stearn #bonnie barella #bobby axelrod #wendy rhoades #think thats all the characters i mentioned in this #teresa talks #OH YEAH AND #benston #also this post is so unstructured im sorry #because it became a lot longer than i htought it would be initially #my posts

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flockofdoves · 5 years

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hello i need input if anyone wants to help idk what im doing lol

ok so theres more context to this but i’m too exhausted to write it out right now but like . im at home 15 hours by car away from school even though spring break just ended because im realizing that i don’t think its sustainable for me to be able to catch up and do okay with school until i sort certain mental illness (which exacerbates my physical illness) things out but also id screw myself over so bad by withdrawing medically for the rest of the semester because its very likely theyd take away my scholarship and a whole host of other things

so like . i gotta figure out what the hell i’m doing soon lol ive already missed so much school this semester

how should i approach the topic that my time management or w/e isn’t nearly the root of the issue here, how the fact that i know time management techniques that really work but i’m still doing terribly and im doing terribly in a lot more aspects than just that have made me realize theres something a lot deeper going on

and like . that deeper thing i’ve recently come to realize probably has a lot to do with cptsd-ish stuff

that feels so heavy and dramatic for me even to admit to myself so like how the hell am i supposed to explain that to my mom without her taking it personally against her parenting when shes trying to help me right now, or like the 1 year anniversary of my dads death is in almost a week so thats not great either for bringing this up now

and at that like i don’t even know where to go from there??? i guess i vaguely know things like CBT and DBT sound helpful but like . idk what type of program i should propose or if its better to be on my own or what. i want to be guided at least somewhat personally right now though because i don’t trust myself to get through this on my own and don’t have the resources but also i don’t have the best psychiatric field experiences so i both feel like i wish i was in inpatient and know itd terrify me.

maybe inpatient doesnt make sense in this context but like . regardless i have such a history of medical authorities dismissing my problems and when i barely can admit this just now myself and when ive only heard talks about how cptsd can manifest in different ways and for seemingly more mundane things often in autistics bc of our lack of support systems and feelings of isolation growing up from other autistics in one on one conversation it feels very likely i’ll be dismissed yet again and wont get the help i’m just admitting i need

so like ....... Yeah lol any input/advice/resources/etc is super appreciated idk how to navigate this

#cpost

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jojotier · 5 years

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lil masterpost of some of my favorite golden trio interactions that ive written vfkjv

seriously if you’re a fic writer and you haven’t tried to write these three interacting, I suggest you try. at least once. Seriously, writing them always leaves a smile on my face...

Some more that were so long that I decided to like, at least put it under the cut to save everyone the space and breathing room:

“He’s a cute guy- always wondered what it’d have been like to meet him, you know, take him out somewhere fancy…” Shiraishi wiggled his eyebrows and Asirpa nigh instantaneously appeared to smack him over his bald head with a wooden spoon. “Hey-! What’d I say?!”

“Don’t be weird, Shiraishi!” Asirpa huffed, wagging the spoon in her hand. “Or else we’re going to have to crack your egg head over a pot and have you for breakfast!”

Shiraishi whined, “Mannnn why are you two always bullying me?! I’m the oldest! If anyone should be bullying anyone, it should be me bullying someone!!”

“But you won’t! Because you know what’s good for you,” Sugimoto teased, pouring himself and Shiraishi a cup of coffee.

Asirpa said from her place beside Shiraishi, “Pour me a cup too! Black, please.”

Sugimoto felt a sudden, terrified shiver run down his spine. “... Are you sure about that, Asirpa? That’s… this is a really bitter brand, so-”

“Black,” Asirpa repeated, slowly raising her spoon. She tapped it on her other hand, eyes blazing. Sugimoto felt sweat drip down the back of his neck. “What is it, Sugimoto? Do you not think I can handle it, Sugimoto? Do you think I’m too much of a child? Sugimoto? Well? Are you saying little Asirpa is too much of a baby to handle coffee in its natural state? Sugimoto, are you saying-”

“Alright, alright! I’m pouring you some now…” Sugimoto said, pouring her some of the coffee while trying to bite back a laugh.

Shiraishi’s eyes widened in vague awe. “Man… black? I thought you’ve never had coffee before,”

“That’s because I never have.” Asirpa nodded, moving back to the little kitchenette to take the cup from Sugimoto. “ Huci never bought it much, and my aca used to say that it was too weak to even bother with. Watching you two load it down with sugar and cream, and knowing Sugimoto has a weak tongue-”

“Hey-!” Sugimoto said, slightly offended.

“- I’ve decided that it can’t be bitter at all. You’re both just weak.” Asirpa declared, before taking a giant, ill-advised gulp of her coffee. Shiraishi started to say something, but it caught in his throat, leaving him to just make a weird noise like a dying whale. Asirpa stood stock still for a second, black coffee dripping a little onto the corner of her mouth, as she took a shaky swallow. She looked up at Sugimoto, tears in her slightly squinted eyes as she tried to give a smile that didn’t look like she was in immense pain. “S. See. Not. Bitter at all,”

Sugimoto bust out laughing, trying to rein it in a bit because maybe it was a bit of an asshole thing, to laugh at a kid, but even still… it was pretty hilarious. “Really! Really now! I see that face you’re making- you think its as bitter as we do!”

“Do not!”

“Do too!” Shiraishi joined in, laughing a bit himself.

“Do not- look,” Then Asirpa, face flushing, tried to drink the rest in a few fell gulps. A little bit of the hot, bitter drink dribbled down her chin and onto her shirt as she finished, looking like she was regretting pretty much all of her life choices. Asirpa made a face and squinted, sticking out her tongue. “Ugh… I think I burned my tongue….”

“... So it’s an ugly thing that’s a pile of junk, is what you’re saying,” Shiraishi snickered a bit. “So antiquated that not even JAXA wants to knock this thing into the gravity and get it down out of this airspace!”

Asirpa’s cheeks puffed out slightly in disdain. “... I’m not giving that a response. This is still neat!!! You just have no taste.”

“Oh no, yeah, it’s pretty neat,” Shiraishi ceded, glancing back out at the station. He snickered under his breath some more. “Lots of historical significance, probably… looks like an old-timey soup can.”

Sugimoto snorted at that, a wide grin splitting over his face. “Come on, that’s mean. It looks like a tin bucket from one of those cowboy movies, at least- the ones that hold all the bullets.”

“Those buckets aren’t historically accurate- bullets weren’t really that big…” Asirpa corrected, tapping at her watch’s interface. Then, her head dipped down a bit, what stray hairs that remained free from her braid falling in her face as she bit her lip, looking absolutely goofy. “... Looks kind of like a big asinru, though…”

“Hey, look!!! Sugimoto look!!” Shiraishi leaned forward, hands gripping on the railing and feet braced against it as his face lit up. “She talks so big but she thinks that ship looks funny too!”

“It’s your fault!” Asirpa uselessly tossed one of the plastic maps at Shiraishi. It went like five centimeters, and then uselessly fwumped onto the ground with a weird sound, not unlike the sound one got when shaking out a laminated paper. Asirpa chose to ignore that. “You have me thinking of tin can shaped things-!!” Shiraishi started laughing, chest shaking a bit as his grip tightened on the railing.

Sugimoto snickered a bit, eyes crinkling at the corners, “Last I checked, only you can have yourself thinking things.”

Asirpa tried to toss a map at Sugimoto, throwing it like a frisbee to see if that would get any lift. No dice. It went an even closer distance and fluttered uselessly down, sliding away from Sugimoto entirely. Shiraishi guffawed, and before Asirpa could open her mouth, there was a solid thunk. Shiraishi yelped as he hit the ground, still slightly red-faced from laughing. He’d fallen off. Sugimoto gave a hearty laugh at that.

“See,” Asirpa said, looking at Shiraishi, “this is what you get. Karma.”

Shiraishi whined, rolling over onto his back with a pout. “Let’s just get this trespassing over with…” Both Sugimoto and Asirpa giggled a bit together.

“Well, we figured since it was New Years, it’d be nice to drop by-” Sugimoto started to say before being slightly tilted off balance, shoved vaguely to the side. A second face appeared, slightly lower than Sugimoto’s face and flushed lightly. The smell of sake on this stranger’s breath nearly made Tsukishima recoil, knuckles turning white as his free hand clenched into a fist.

“Heyyyyy, Tsukihime-san!” The bald stranger grinned, head seeming to bob from side to side. “It’s so good t’ see you- great to meetcha, I’m Shiraishi Yoshitake-”

“Where’s the dog.” came a third voice, and soon a third face, belonging to a girl much shorter and younger than the two above her, peered into the gap.

“Asirpa, please,” Sugimoto laughed a little, trying to hide the smile behind his hand, “don’t make it look like that’s the only reason-!”

“But you said yourself that you wanted to pet the dog, Sugimoto,” Asirpa’s eyebrows rose as she tipped her head back, staring at the scarred man in the door.

“Well-!” Sugimoto’s face flushed a bit as well, giving a bit of a sheepish look. “I also wanted to say hi to the owner, of the dog.”

Tsukishima glanced over the three of them. It was unlikely that Sugimoto had ill intent, bringing both a drunk and a pre-teen along with him. He kept his pocket knife in his pocket and opened the door just a bit wider, looking to his impromptu guests and remembering Nugget in the living room, whining underneath the table. “Sorry. My dog doesn’t like being around a lot of people- he’s easily spooked.”

“The dog or you?” Shiraishi snickered a bit, seemingly trying to peer over Tsukishima’s shoulder into the apartment. Tsukishima reconsidered not thinking about the merits of “accidental” greeting stabs in the future. Except there wouldn’t be a future, because Tsukishima didn’t want to deal with visitors. “Noah Fence, dude, but you’re like- this super hermit! I don’t think anyone’seen you outside this apartment... Tha’s what I heard from other people-”

The girl, Asirpa, turned around and kicked Shiraishi in the shins. Sugimoto followed suit, smacking Shiraishi upside the head while glaring at him. Tsukishima’s eyes narrowed as he went to close the door anyway. “Good night, Sugimoto. Asirpa.”

“Wait! Wait,” Sugimoto shoved his hand in the door hastily, trying to fold in on himself so he could hold up a package wrapped in paper the same shade of blue and white that the headband that Asirpa wore was. Of course, the designs were much different, looking more like silver leaves and boars. That’s right- it was the year of the boar soon, wasn’t it?

“We made too much mochi and yokan,” Asirpa explained, peering up at Tsukishima.

“Awww, but Asirpa~” Sugimoto gave a mock pitiful whine, pushing his lower lip out like a child. “How am I gonna give miso to Huci to go with the feast?”

“We don’t need any of your poop near our shit,” Asirpa said, turning up her nose. At that, Shiraishi lost it and rolled onto his side, chortling the entire while.

Sugimoto gave a delicate gasp. “Asirpa, language! Who taught you to say that? Did Shiraishi here rub off on you,”

“I taught myself to say it,” Asirpa stuck out her tongue, but she knew no one was being serious about it. Sugimoto wasn’t the type of person to become faint just because someone younger than him said something mildly uncouth, as she’d done many times before. Sugimoto chuckled himself, a wider grin breaking out over his face.

Soon, the laughter died down again, and Sugimoto rested his cheek harder against his hand. It wasn’t nearly as cold and oppressive as before- but there was still an odd undertone, to the quiet that surrounded them. Something left unsaid.

“Man.” Sugimoto sighed, looking wistfully at the fire, “I wish I still had my miso. We could’ve used it with dinner earlier.”

It was quiet for a few seconds more before Asirpa suddenly remembered- in her coat… She didn’t remember if she’d used the last of it before, in the meal they had outside this place, but she still reached into an innermost pocket and pulled out the small metal tin. Shuffling around to Sugimoto, she presented it to him and opened the lid, showing just the smallest trace of brown miso in a corner.

Sugimoto’s eyes widened, a happy smile coming onto his face. “Oh man-! You did keep it! I would’ve thought for sure you were gonna use it as anosoma box or something, for anything you find-”

“Oh come on, that’s so gross!” Asirpa felt her eyes burn at the mere thought of it. Or maybe they burned because she was squinting so hard it looked as if her eyes had receded back into her face flesh. Sugimoto snorted, trying to keep his giggles in as Asirpa silently worked through how to even respond to that. After a moment, her face loosened back into a more contemplative expression.

“... Besides. You liked it so much that you would try to make my poor old Huci try it- so we had to keep it for when you came back.”

#golden kamuy #asirpa #sugimoto saichi #shiraishi yoshitake #gk #crying in the club i just!!! love them!!!!!!

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thedeadflag · 5 years

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Hey, pretty soon I'll be playing a friend of mine is gonna be DMing Tyranny Of Dragons for me and a couple of friends, and I can't decide whether I should play a Monk (probably Open Hand, maybe Kensei) or a Ranger (either Beastmaster or Horizon Walker), 'cause I've never played either of those classes, nor has anyone at the tables I've played. Can you tell me a little about your experiences with these classes?

The Ranger has been one of my favourite classes throughout the editions of D&D in terms of flavour, and I’ve had some fun with monks as well. In 5th edition, both took a fair bit of a hit in utility (individual and within group dynamics) and power at pretty much all ranges. The Ranger was propped back up a little bit in Unearthed Arcana in the revised ranger archetype, but both are still largely considered at best middle of the road classes, and at worst, the lowest tier of classes in the game in utility and character.

That’s not to say they can’t be fun and have a lot of flavour, and still find use. If you’ve watched Critical Role, you can see Vex and Beau weren’t useless by any stretch. No class is junk in 5e due to the improved parity compared to some past editions. So power and utility aside, if you feel drawn to any class/subclass, and you want to dive into its particular brand of flavour, then I say go for it. I would gauge the rest of the party’s makeup in making your decision, because group synergy is important, but you have to make yourself happy, too, right?

Anywho, I’ll break down my take on both.

When it comes to Monks, I like Open Hand the best. If you want to have a Monk-style gameplay with weapons, then Mystic or Fighter are probably better options with some more flair and utility involved than Kensei imo, but if that’s the route you want to take, it’d be alright. However, Open Hand has quivering palm, which is pretty incredible late game as far as damage and flexible timing from a single person through 3 ki pts and an action. If you do ever reach level 17, I would recommend multiclassing after that if you’re allowed, since the rest of the Monk’s class progression is kind of junk in comparison, and it could use some much needed utility from 3 levels of another class. Anywho, I like open hand not just for the flavor of being a class that’s capable of being an unarmed beast in battle, but also because of the way it can work in alignment with fighters who can also control the battlefield, like any fighter with a sentinel/polearm master. The ability to shove an enemy up to 15ft with one of your flurry attacks, launching them into the range of a fighter who gets a free opp attack against them and can from then on lock down their movement with a successful hit? That can be an excellent tag team. The Monk isn’t excellent for utility, but the Open Hand technique is probably the best at providing utility in combat among all the monk disciplines. Like, another option after hitting with flurry of blows is to steal all reactions for the opponent until the end of your next turn. This can be especially helpful against casters, as stealing reactions = preventing counterspells. And Monks can get a lot of attacks = lots of attempts to disrupt concentration of enemy casters, so the open hand monk is especially helpful at being a designated mage wrecker with having the mobility to reach casters and the ability to destabilize them. It’s arguably the one thing (aside from unarmed damage) that (this one kind of) monks do better than just about anyone else, arguably.

Now, to Rangers.

Honestly, I don’t like beast-focused Rangers. I think they’re a lot of work in order to get the mechanical payoff most other classes can achieve without a lot of thought or effort. Generally, any class that can let me focus more on flavour and RP is one I’m going to prefer, and beast master’s just…unwieldy. A lot of people say the class is junk, and if you run it without getting into the headspace for optimizing, it’s probably going to be more of a frustrating experience than you’d have hoped for. With BMs, you’re managing not just your character, but your companion, and you have to keep up with the different mechanics of both, you need to be 100% on top of choices made while leveling up, you need to have a strong understanding of battlefield control and your companion’s capabilities from the get go, and you really ought to be the kind of player who is happy to take a backseat to everyone else in and out of combat because the way you’ll shine is by helping everyone else do what they do with a little bit higher odds of success than otherwise. Personally, I like playing that sort of character, but I can do all of that with other classes a lot easier, and usually better, so this isn’t the kind of archetype I’d choose for a character myself. If you really want to, and think it’s cool, go for it, though.

The first thing I’d do is ask if you can use the UA revised ranger instead of the PHB ranger if you’re going the beast route (it’s “beast conclave” archetype in UA). If your DM allows that and insists you choose your companion from the list provided here, take the wolf (pack tactics is v helpful, same with 40ft speed and being able to send enemies prone after attacking) or ape (climb 30ft, melee/ranged ability, good stat baselines).

The second thing you’ll need is to lock down a quality companion, and that can take a bit of wheeling and dealing with your DM to let you use one of the supplementary books as a source, which is especially necessary if you’re not able to use the revised ranger class from UA. You do not want a hawk, mastiff, or panther, the PHB offers some shit examples out of the gate (panther and hawk are only conditionally good if you’re only ever going to have your companion rushing around the map using the ‘help’ action, or scouting to some extent, and the latter becomes less useful and reliable the higher level you become). Don’t choose a CR 0 companion, or one under ¼. If you absolutely must use a hawk for character flavor, then a blood hawk that at least has pack tactics would be a must. But if you are hoping for a companion that can do damage, look for something with certain damage if it hits, like added poison damage. Look for good AC if you want a tank. Look for versatility in mobility and senses. Look for special abilities (the boar having a relentless ability where it’ll go back to 1HP if it falls below 0; the wolf spider has web walk and web sense which can really help with casters using web if players don’t want to wade into the difficult terrain or are having difficulty finding enemies caught in the web; etc.)

But yeah, beast-focused rangers will be best when they’re spamming the help action with their beasts, using their beasts to get enemies out of cover, using their beasts to help control the field and give others advantage/take advantage, etc. You need to be quick mentally to know what you want to do with your character and your companion each time your turn comes around (most DMs, myself included, aren’t going to let you have as much time as you need to figure out what you want to do on both fronts, so if you can’t juggle two characters at once without losing a step, it might not be the archetype for you). This type of ranger requires you to know exactly what you want to be able to accomplish for yourself and your party right out of the gate, so you’ll want to gauge what your party members will be specializing in, what they want to be able to do, and see if there’s a way to shape your ranger to aid in that, particularly in choosing a beast that can be the most effective in ensuring that. Group cohesion is the name of the game with this form of ranger, so you’ll want to consider race selection a part of this process, too. I’ve had one player bomb hard as a BM and re-roll a different ranger, and I’ve had a friend who ran one who was the group’s unsung hero a lot of the time during their campaign. If you’re looking at Vex from CR as inspiration, keep in mind she had an excellent set of stats from lvl 9 onwards, and plenty of magical weapons to make up for much of any class shortcomings as characters scale up…look at how often Trinket was useful (very rarely) and understand that the bear was essentially just flavour for most of the campaign, and Vex would have been considerable underpowered compared to the rest of the party if not for some considerable DM intervention in ways that make things a lot trickier for DMs (adding magical weapons/items can easily unbalance a campaign, and it’s a matter of experience in knowing how to dole them out without throwing balance aside…Matt Mercer’s comfortable handing out flying carpets and multiple +2AC items and superpowered magical weapons by level 9, I wouldn’t give them out before level 14 or 15 and it would really only be if a player was severely struggling and refused to re-roll a more appropriate character while dying or nearly dying most combats). Other classes and archetypes have features and abilities that scale as you level, some earn specific spells as they level up that others can’t get, etc., but with beast conclave rangers, it’s their beast that slightly improves in a few meaningful ways. So if you’re going that route, you need to commit to a great beasts that’s a great fit for you and your party, and you need to commit to making the absolute most out of them and knowing how to make the most out of them.

Horizon Walker’s a simpler archetype that has some badass spells, but the flavour for the class can be a bit…strange in some adventures. It might not fit well with Tyranny of Dragons, I’m not sure how much planar travel’s involved in that adventure. Which might not be a problem for the DM, or you. I still prefer the UA ranger conclaves, but out of the PHB ones, this one’s probably the best of the bunch, even if it’s mostly going to lean towards being a melee build (which, again, check your party comp to see if that’s something that is workable).

Anywho, those are my late night D&D ramblings. You can take my words with a grain of salt if you’d like, and as always the rule of cool applies…if you think it’s cool and you really want to go with something, go for it and I hope the DM will find a way to help you make it work, but yeah, these classes can be a bit of an uphill battle, though I suppose potentially a rewarding challenge if that’s what you’re looking for.

Best of luck with the campaign, I’m sure you’ll have fun!

#d&d #long post #Anons

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sunshineonamission-blog · 5 years

Text

sunday morning

1/27/19

I woke up yesterday morning and I didn’t know so much pain could stay in my body.

I called mom. I needed her.

My eyes were swollen almost shut from crying.

Heartbroken. But he didn’t break my heart.

Everyone said the same thing. Mom, Dad, Alex, Amy. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. It’ll come back around.

I picked up my packages at Speare and sat reading the Creative Habit for a second.

A single lacrosse player in a white helmet and white shoes was practicing with a lax back outside my window and I cried. It wouldn’t be Daniel though. He’d still be in his peacoat.

I went to Miss You Like Hell with Julia

I couldn’t breathe getting dressed when I realized I’d worn the outfit I was about to throw on - black tights and my denim dress with my pink bralette with my platform shoes- when I realized I’d created that outfit for the train ride down to Boston winter break to the park plaza. It’d be an easy dress to take off, easy to change into my sexy undies, I was so sweaty when we got the hotel that the entire sides of the dress were soaked from my armpits and we laughed. Change of plans obviously. I wore my new jumper. I’ve never worn it before. I wanted to show him how I looked kinda nice even though my eyes were smaller than usual.

Julia was very kind and listened and understood. It was really important to me that they all didn’t just have whatever Mia’s version of the story was.

The tickets at the ART were identical to my barbershop chronicles one. I sat with lead actress’s boyfriend and mother, who went on about how they’d been dating for 8 years and met in high school show choir. How they were gonna get married and she’d flown in for possible mother-in-law points. How her last show was at the Seacoast Repertory Theatre in Newburyport. That hurts. That hurt a lot. As either mom or dad said after, “Can’t make this shit up”

The play was incredible. Relevant and necessary and breathtaking. It hurt. And I am in a raw state of being. So everything hurt doubly. When she sang “I’m gonna miss you like hell. There’s a hole in the world in the shape of you. I’m gonna miss you like hell. There’s a hole in the world in the shape of us.” or “You are the bread and I am the hunger” I wept for this mother and daughter who are real they are real and this story is real. And selfishly, selfishly, I wept for myself. I wept for the loss of the love of my life. I wept for the fact that I couldn’t call Daniel after the show and tell him how incredible it was and how I wanna direct something like that.

At intermission I opened my phone to a long text from Amy. I stood up and suddenly was outside the theatre and I was crying so uncontrollably. Somehow the most painful words there were the first ones. “Hi sweetheart. I talked with Daniel today.” Because of everything that meant. Because it means it’s real. It’s real. Because it means she talked to Daniel my Daniel about how he’s not my Daniel anymore.

I wish it didn’t happen yet. It had to. I wish it didn’t happen on that day. I wish it didn’t. I wish it didn’t. I wish it didn’t. I hope he knows I didn’t give a fuck about that party. I think he does.

I hope he feels the way I do, still. I hope that he feels like we did the right thing but God I hope he wants to take it back as much as I do. That’s selfish. I know that. I don’t want him to be in pain and this is the worst pain I have ever felt. Ever. I called Dad when I got home last night and he said it might be permanent it probably is and I screamed that I didn’t want it to be. I don’t want it to be. I wish I could’ve said Daniel. Wait for me. Live your life. Have fun. Love it. Grow. But wait for me. And the thing is, that’s our hope. He said he’ll never not be thinking about me. I believe him. Because I know him, and fuck any hard time I’ve ever had believing him. That boy says only what he means. But I know that life continues. And I want his life to be magical. And I wanna be in it. And I wanna run back to him next week and say was this enough? Is it time?

But i will see him again. Soon.

I hope we can keep in touch a little. I really think I need that.

He’s my best friend.

I will never fall out of love with him.

I will always love him.

Right now I miss my best best friend.

And I can know this: that when I have figured out these things:

How to love myself fairly unconditionally -or at least not to hate myself. Not to swallow myself. To be kind.

How to make certain my self-love is fueled by my own satisfaction with Who I Am and not how others praise me.

How to make my own happiness and not let it hinge upon the satisfaction of others with me.

How to make choices for myself.

If not what I want to do for the rest of my life, where I’m going next. What do I want now.

And then, how to get it.

When have figured out these things, I will find him. I will knock on his door. I’ll say hi. You are the love of my life. Is it time yet? And maybe it will be and maybe it won’t be but someday it will. Someday, someday, it will be.

I woke up in my Grinch PJs with makeup contacts bra and two layers of shirts and a feeling like there isn’t joy in the world for me.

I am about to have a productive day and try my very best to get everything done for tomorrow without staying up too late,

I’m gonna try to make Angels fantastic.

I’m gonna explore some options.

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demiboypercyjackson · 7 years

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I loved your bpd solangelo can you do first fight?

YES!!! headcanon that they bicker quite a lot and they know its all silliness and its actually quite cute, but then their Actual Fights are... not really fights? id imagine they have little emotional tiffs that are so, so messy. bpd makes everything so messy. i'll write more about Lashing Out soon but this time is for soft boys being very borderline written by me, your local bpd soft boy-their first real fight is actually over the "you were looking at paolo" thing. bpd = jealous out the whazoo and nico's whazoo is doing a pretty good impression of piper's horn of plenty, except instead of sweet ham and delicious fruit, its horrible feelings of self-doubt and abandonment.will was being honest when he said he was just watching to make sure they were functioning. when he has an fp (see; nico di angelo), he stops being even slightly attracted to other people. he sees a disgustingly handsome man in a gorgeous suit? "wow that would look great on nico" he gets 10k love letters from the worlds most beautiful russian models? "itd be so dreamy if nico wrote me letters like that..." david bowie descends from the heavens and pleads with will to run away with him and be his lawfully wedded husband? "oh man, i should show nico bowie's albums.... we could cuddle while we listen!!! eep!!!" so, in short, will isnt really capable of wanting anyone else.he doesnt think much of nico being jealous, he himself gets jealous often, and he assumed they're okay, until much later when everything settles and then nico starts acting kind of distant. will is mostly supportive, but when your fp isnt giving you attention, it is Hell, and you can get a mixture of defensive and self-hatred pretty quickly. "oh god i did this. why does he hate me? because im the most unlovable thing on the planet" stuff like that.so, nico sneaks away into his cabin for the night without saying goodnight or even telling will he's leaving and will's mind immediately explodes into questions of "does he hate me?" "did i mess up?" "is he going to break up with me?"cecil, who is like, his designated 'Handler' - "i cannot believe you just called yourself that" "have you SEEN?? the way you ACT sometimes?? there isnt a logical bone in your body, solace." "okay, granted, but still" - tells him to calm down, let nico have his space, they can talk tomorrow and everything will be okay. will agrees, nodding, and accepts the big hug cecil gives him. the attention is nice, and knowing his friend actually cares about him makes things a little better.syke will totally leaves for the cabin as soon as cecil is gone because he needs nico now and he needs to know why this is so BAD and why nico would leave like thatso he shows up and knocks on the door and his hands are shaking and he cant think very good and his eyes are kind of unfocused and wow this wasnt a great idea but to his feelings-addled brain it is the best idea in the world!!! because bpd just goes and Does That and who gave you the right, honestly. nico answers the door and he doesnt meet will's eyes or really look at him"what?" he says. his voice sounds annoyed and tired and will pulls a full 180 and immeditely wants to fall down and sob because this was a horrible idea, solace, what the hell were you thinking?"im sorry," he says immediately, voice very little. "im sorry." he's doing the thing where he becomes a broken record. he doesnt know what he did, but if it made nico sound like that, then he's sorry. he'll do better. he'll be better.nico's lip kinda curls up a little. he looks empty. 'he's isolating' says will's logic brain. 'he hates you' says will's personality disorder. "why are you sorry?" says will's equally borderline boyfriend.will opened and closes his mouth a few times and looks around, lost. "i dont know. can i come inside? we can stay outside. what do you like? you dont have to answ-""i dont care." says nico and will's whole heart shatters in his chest. "do what you want.""im sorry," says will again. "can i come inside? im sorry"nico moves over so will can come in but its so hard to walk in there. he remembers that thats where nico is and his legs carry him very quickly into the cabin."are you angry?" he asks, and nico kind of shrugs a little. will doesnt know what to say. "its okay to be angry.""how come you were looking at paolo?" nico asks and will's logic brain screams 'yes! see! he's just jealous like you get! its okay!' but bpd makes every feeling in your body so big and so loud and will is so certain that that cant be it, he's being selfish and arrogant for thinking that way. obviously, nico is asking for a different reason."because i put his arms back on and i wanted to make sure i did it good." he cant really hear what hes saying but he means it. he wonders if telling the truth is manipulative. he wonders if talking at all is the wrong thing or the right thing. he wants to ask nico whats better because nico is so smart and so good, but he's afraid to because nico is angry (hurt) and he doesnt want nico angry (afraid) and he doesnt want to lose nico (his beloved, his angel), so he doesnt ask."okay." says nico, and will doesnt know what to say now."are you angry?" he asks instead, because its bad to jump to conclusions, cecil has taught him that. 'ask questions', his logic brain tells him, and boy does it sound like cecil markowitz. 'gauge the situation logically, get all the facts. figure out whats going on before you act.' all will wants to do is throw himself down and beg nico not to leave. but that would be bad. right? manipulative. is asking questions manipulative?"im not mad." says nico and his face looks a little more sad and less far away. "its fine."will shifts a little and his head itches but he doesnt scratch it. "what kind of fine? are you sure you arent mad? did i upset you?" he wants to scratch but hes kind of afraid to. he doesnt know why. he scratches it very quickly and watches to make sure nico isnt upset with him for doing that."no." says nico and its so obviously a yes that will could laugh. it brings him back to his head a little and he looks at nico's face carefully."did i make you jealous?" he asks and recieves no answer. "i dont like paolo. i like your arms. i dont even know what he says when he talks."nico whispers something in italian and will cant tell if its him lashing out or him showing a bit of humor. possibly both."please dont be mad" he says, because he cant help it. he immediately feels guilty about it, its manipulative, right? its bad to ask that. "im sorry."nico shifts his weight a little and he still looks isolate-y and far away and it makes will's Feelings get bigger again and he tries to ignore them but its hard. "its okay" nico says again. "im not mad.""i dont like paolo.""i know.""i like you. nico. my favorite person in the whole world. i love you."nico's lips twitch a little but he has a scared look in his eye that will didnt notice before. "i know.""dont han solo me," he says as softly as he can.nico has a little humor in his eyes, but not much. he looks tired, which will doesnt, and kind of lost, which will does. "im sorry.""its okay."they dance around like that for a while until will sits down on the floor because his legs are tired and nico, reacting, takes a seat on the bed he usually sleeps on. it takes a while, but eventually nico comes back to himself a little.he looks nervous, but his dark eyes look alive again, if sad and a little heartbroken, and he tells will he's sorry again. "i dont mean to get like that. i know you dont like it.""its okay. im sorry i made you jealous and didnt think about it. next time you say stuff like that, ill try harder to make sure you know i only like you."nico blinks in surprise a little and is kind of quiet. then, he murmurs, "youre perfect" in a voice thats both laugh-angry and grateful.will snorts and shakes his head vehemently. "you're more perfect." he crawls quickly over and sits next to nico on the bed without thinking about performing the act.nico smiles a little and leans his head on will's shoulder, smiling. "you're ... the most perfect." he grabs his hand and holds it tightly and their hands seem to fit perfectly together to both of them. "i love you. i love you.""i know," says will teasingly, and nico pretends to bite his shoulder in revenge. the feelings were still big, for now, but they were good feelings, and theyd calm down soon enough. theyd spend the night curled up together, and when will would relay the story to cecil later on, the red-haired son of hermes would roll his eyes and sigh. but all would be well.-so this is probably way too long but im very gay and very borderline....... alfhsks hope you enjoy >:3c and if it isnt exactly what you were looking for, youre alway welcome to drop another ask in! - mod will

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imagine-zen · 7 years

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would you write a chronically ill MC? ive just gotten the news that theres something wrong w my liver, and idk itd just be really comforting to read ppl being sweet and helpful n stuff,,, i hope u have a good day tho!!

Of course! I have some chronic health stuff of my ownand have been wanting to write something like this for ages. That’s actuallywhy I made this blog but I started getting requests and didn’t get to thisuntil now. Thank you for sending this, I hope your liver isn’t too bad ♥

Forthis I did more general chronic symptoms, where the biggest thing is chronicpain with a few variations with each character. I hope that’s alright ^-^

Jumin

- you don’t tell him at first,mostly because you know he’ll spend a lot of money trying to help butultimately that won’t do much

- you manage to keep thingsunder control for a while after you move in

- until you promise to go towork with him the next day to help out as he’s been particularly stressedlately

- he said you didn’t have to butyou insist and in the end, he gives in

- the next morning you wake upfeeling fine, but as the day progresses your body quickly starts acting up

- you decide you can deal withit and last through the day

- but while filing some papersJumin gave to you, the pain suddenly spikes and you curl up on the floor,unable to move

- Jaehee finds you andimmediately call Jumin and an ambulance

- you try to say that you’ll befine soon enough but Jumin will hear none of it

- he’s in panic mode honestly

- he has no idea what’s wrongbut the person he loves is hardly able to speak because of pain and he needsthe doctors to see you now

- at the hospital, you’re justgiven some pain medication and you finally explain your condition to him

- he’s slightly upset that youdidn’t tell him before but after you say why he understands to a point

- you convince him not to pourmoney into trying to find a cure for you, but he pours money into making sureyou’re as comfortable as possible and starts donating significantly more tomedical causes

- has a doctor completelyfamiliar with your case on call

- he’s not used to comfortingothers, especially those in pain, but he does his best

- he’ll hold you or let you restyour head in his lap and if you want he’ll bring Elizabeth 3rd overto you

- usually stays quiet and willjust stroke your hair if you’re okay with it and asks every now and then if youneed anything

Zen

- you don’t want to worry him sonever bring it up

- you don’t purposely avoidtelling him, but you don’t make a point to either

- one day he invites you to goto one of his rehearsals

- of course you want to go,you’re really excited

- once you get there though,your excitement dies down

- it’s in a basement, one that’svery humid

- heat does not go well with youand your illness

- you sit down and hope thingswill be fine so you can enjoy seeing Zen rehearse

- things do not go that well

- very quickly, you realize thatthe humidity is getting to you

- you curl up, hoping the painslowly rising will falter

- by the time Zen can take abreak, you haven’t moved an inch and you’re not sure if you can

- you feel faint and your bodyis throbbing in pain

- Zen asks if you’re okay,sitting down next to you and placing a hand on your back

- you shake your head slightlyand he freaks out, starting to ask a bunch of questions about what’s wrong

- you don’t answer most of hisquestions as he’s talking to fast, but you manage to say that you’re in a lotof pain and probably need to go home

- he nods and tells his directorhe’s leaving for the day, which doesn’t make the director happy but Zen doesn’tcare

- he doesn’t care so much thatyou never told him about this, his main problem with it is that if somethingbad had happened he would have had no idea how to help

- he’s never taken care ofanyone sick before, so when you’re having bad days he’s not always sure how tohelp

- he does a lot though

- if you’re in too much pain togo to bed or anywhere else, he’ll carry you

- if you’re having a really badday he insists that you stay laying down as much as possible and he’ll doeverything to help

- if you have meds to take hereminds you when you’re supposed to take them

- tries to do everything youcould possibly need help with

Yoosung

- you don’t say anything untilyou have an appointment and tell him you’re going to the doctor’s

- he asks why, to which youreply “because I have xx”

- he panics a little becausewhat? You never said anything, how long have you had this?

- the idea of you having achronic illness freaks him out a little

- he’s never been close toanyone with something like that and he gets really worried thinking about allthe possibilities of things that could go wrong

- he calms down pretty quickly thoughbecause you have things under control most of the time, just need regular checkups

- since he’s a vet, he doesn’tknow many details about your condition so he learns as much as he can

- if you need meds, he checksevery night or whenever you need to take them, if you have

- also regularly asks throughoutthe day if you’re alright

- if your symptoms flair up he’lltake off from work to take care of you for the day

- likes to go to appointmentswith you if he can

- after you have one, he likesto get ice cream or some kind of snack with you

- after first finding out hetreats you a little more delicately, but eventually stops

Jaehee

- you tell her around the timeyou two start up the café together

- you think it’s best if sheknows beforehand

- but you don’t want to worryher too much so you downplay your condition a lot

- after a busy day, though, yourpain is already pretty high

- you don’t say anything,deciding that if you can finish cleaning up then you’ll be done

- while moving between thetables and wiping them off, your legs give out beneath you and you knock over achair while falling

- Jaehee hears the noise andrushes in

- she calls an ambulance rightaway and while waiting asks you questions to get an idea of exactly what’sgoing on

- sits with your head on her lapand after you answer her questions, tells you to breathe deeply and tries tohelp you do so

- the doctors confirm you’d justhad a very bad flair up and that you’d be fine with some rest

- Jaehee is a bit annoyed thatyou didn’t tell her the extent of your condition, but mostly she’s just glad you’reokay now

- very strict about you takingyour meds (if needed) and getting enough rest, food, etc.

- if you’re not feeling greatshe asks the “on a scale of 1-10” question

- does so much research on yourcondition

- she didn’t do much researchwhen you first told her because of how busy you guys were with opening the caféand everything, and because of how you much you downplayed it

- but after you fall she learnseverything there is to know about your illness

- makes sure you’re seeing thebest doctor available given your location and finances

- will randomly ask throughoutthe day how you’re feeling

Seven

- when doing background checkson you he saw that you visited the doctors a lot, but didn’t look at what yourcondition was specifically to respect at least some of your privacy

- he figures that you’ll tellhim or it’ll come up if it’s important

- he does have an idea of whatcondition you have based on what doctors you saw

- he doesn’t bring it up though

- a few weeks after you moved inwith him you wake up in the middle of the night in agony

- you’re able to just barelymake it the bathroom before you throw up from the pain

- Seven runs in from where hewas working in the other room, keeping your hair out of your face and rubbingyour back

- he gets you some pain meds andholds you throughout the night, trying to stay calm for you

- once your pain subsides andyou’re not on the verge of barfing and he’s confirmed that you don’t need to goto the hospital or anything, he asks you what your condition is

- you softly explain,apologizing for not telling him

- on some level, you assumed healready knew, which was part of your reasoning for not telling him

- he looks up everything aboutyour condition and tries to make some jokes so it’s less of a serious topic

- that doesn’t mean he doesn’ttake your symptoms seriously though, he constantly nags you about how you’refeeling and actually stops eating as much honey Buddha chips, instead buying morehealthy food so you have a better diet

- whenever your pain gets bad, herefuses to let you leave the couch and holds you the whole time if you’recomfortable

- he tries to distract you byplaying games or talking to you about what he’s doing or telling you stories

- whenever you need to go to anappointment he drives you in a different car, every time, no repeats

#chronic illness #chronically ill MC #chronic pain #throwing up #mystic messenger imagines #mystic messenger #when doing Jaehee's part I kept writing Jaeha rip #I've been reading too much Yona of the Dawn #jumin #zen #yoosung #jaehee #seven

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madigabz · 6 years

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1-21-18

Yesterday was so busy at work I slept until 2:30pm today...I was still able to get one thought in before I passed out & that was me calling you my bf on the phone. I didn't mean to do that. I am trying to find out where to move to. If I stay here or go to South Carolina. I like it here and I don't want to be away from my siblings bc so much bs happened months after I moved to Colorado and I hated not being there 😞

I know we aren't dating. Honestly Alan, I have expected you to be with other people this whole time. Just like Valentyne giving you trust issues, you have given me them as well. You say you live in the present, but that's really contradicting when you're comparing me to that cunt in any aspect. Even if you don't fuck someone as soon as you get out- I'm going to get old. And if you need new pussy/ arm candy, like you do $ I have no luck. So please don't sugar coat your intentions and lie to me. I'm sorry I hurt you but to be honest with you; I never expected to end up in a relationship with you. Read this draft I found the other day about you

"1-16-13 when i said id stop talking to you you said shit happens-you said you would of neverrr been with me if makayla lived closer-you said shit happens if you get put back into foster care-you dont care if ppl are in your life or not-you walk away easily-you get pissed off easily-you get closer to me then ignore me and sometimes tell me you want to be done-you called me a bitch and you wouldnt sit in the back with me for whatever reason when we went to detroit then you fucked me at whits gmas..why do you think i slept on the couch?-you barely text me or talk when we hang out-you dont explain yourself all that much anymore-you like being right too much or proving your point :p-you rather be pissed off then fix it, even if what you heard was a rumor

you know me-i could tell you anything-you like the things people hate-youre real, sometimes-you see life the same way i do i think-you can be a gentlemen and drive or wipe off my car or just be sweet or cute-we have a five second rebound with each other-youre honest-you dont like getting close to people-youre stubborn-youre so adorable 🙂 <3-im scared that youll just walk away and be able to do it like i was nothing-you make me feel special when you say some of the things about why you like me & how i make you feel-you make me happy the way not a lot of people can-you play xbox too much and you arent social-youre playful-youre cute with kids-you do you and you dont change for people or around people-you always mess with me and attempt to give me hickies!!!!-you warn me and mess with my head-and you give up on a lot so easily-but i always have fun with you laughing and smiling

ill never meet another you thats for sure

and youve taught me how to be more independent and not put up with shit

even though i put up with a lot of your damn shit lol

i dont think we will date or ever get along all that well, itd never work i feel like but i wanted you to ask me out so badly especially when i found out you were going to! But im happy i met you even if youve made me feel really shitty before you were def one of those people to come into my life to learn from them. I trust you and I trust you with my happiness so I hope we can just make the best out of everything."

Alan, I don't expect anything from you. I do appreciate you and value you so much. But we were never suppose to be together, we are each others soul mates and all that we have done and continue to do is teach each other. I made all these videos this past year, talking about the shit you'd say to me while visiting. Saying to myself that we aren't going to work out 😞 even if I excuse all of the past, you still say shit that isn't okay. I've mentioned everything before so I'm not going to sit here and play the blame game. I know I did this. I sacrificed everything hoping you'd change your views on everything in your life. Values & thoughts. I couldn't do anything to help you see the beauty in this world or even within myself. Bc nothing is enough for you to be happy and satisfied. I am going to mail out everything I read today back in October. You won't want to read once you're out lol. It'll explain so much to you. I appreciate you telling me how you feel and I'm glad you're saying it before you get out. "You need to figure out where and who is best for you and do it." It's not that easy bc the bigger picture isn't about me and my feelings. I gave in and went to see you last month....but I know that all that we go through is a lesson that we are suppose to learn from in this life. Our souls have been through many lifetimes and ALL of our souls have to find our divine purpose in each life/ journey they encounter. We are just in the skin of two souls that have been together in past lives. Just like I said at 17 yos you are someone I am suppose to learn from.

What do you mean about learning from my actions, even my picture perfect as? lol. I know it wasn't smart, I had a feeling that something was going to happen. But I'm wreckless and destructive. I consider as my future as well, but I'm still only relying on myself. Which is the way it should be... but I have always known that I was going to be alone, doing my own thing; living in my own world on this journey. I don't hold anything to anyone. I don't anticipate on people staying or even being the person I project them out to be. And I own my own pain that I self inflicted. I accept that chance & still see people for the beautiful, imperfect human being that they are. People are worth the pain. You are worth the chance. "You can't change someone that doesn't want to change for themself." That just shattered so much hope I had for you. I just want the best for you and for you to be positive and happy. Meditating, eating well, healthy, HAPPY. But idk how to do that for you and the more I try the more my heart keeps breaking. And I keep surprising myself. I think that I can't hurt more, but it's never true. I know it all happens for a reason Alan. I'm trying to be as strong as you've taught me to be. Angel told me I had darkness in me that doesn't belong to me. I hold this cloud too no matter how much I try to shine. There's negative in everyone but you drive to the bad instead of ever being optimistic and seeing the good. You'll see in my letter... being aware and knowledgeable makes you more prone to being sad and having no hope. A new girl at the candlelab, Arin, is just like me. She went to Australia and Australians were shocked over how many ppl are depressed and have anxiety in America. She says they don't touch the food we eat everyday. She says it's the food- sugar and pesticides. America is so far up it's own ass we don't see how shitty everything actually is here. so unauthentic. I believe in karma. But beyond religion, what we believe in, luck or karma- all that matters is how we deal with it. I just ram into so much in my life that I am trying to be more gentle to myself and my feelings. I have been trying to mend myself so much lately. Learn how to handle this. Idk how moms deal with soooo much negativity and crazy shit that happens within her family. Like meme and my mom. So much makes sense to me now. I know nothing makes you happy Alan. Not even me, and everytime you let me go- bc you say "you know you aren't good enough" I run back. Even though I can't love you through it, I still try to pour all of me into you. Because I love you. But both of us are so exhausted already. What's the meaning to life? Being in the present, self love...we destroy our planet and all that we have is this earth. There must be other planets with living organisms. Who knows why we are here. Ppl have babies to try to make themselves feel better and be happy. But the world is so corrupt why keep us around? I'm just sleeping and moving, I'm not "living." Being a virgo my purpose is "I serve." That's literally what life consists of and I actually 100% agree with that and know its true. Aries is "I am." Tbh with you you are the only reason why I want to live and it shouldn't be that way. You have too much power over me and no matter how much I want to trust..I just can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not letting myself have the strength to go on on my own </3.It's time. I'm thankful for the trees and that I can swim. I just want to swim away. Just keep swimming for the rest of my life....what's happiness? What's the purpose of life? Self love. That's all that I got. All that I have left. All that I'm trying to get to. I hope everything goes good for your out date too. I don't think we should we fuck. And I understand if you want to be with other people. I've been slowly peeling off the band aid and it's time to rip it off.

I still want to pick you up but I can’t sleep with you. You’re my best friend but I don’t want to lie to myself or you. You know I’m not your future. Are both of us suppose to walk alone our whole lives? You know you got me wrapped around your finger. Do you have to let it linger? I’m sorry I hurt you. I hope all that I’ve done has helped you begin your spiritual journey to the light. Happiness, optimism, self love & rightousness. You’re definitely the reason for mine. Crying all day.

You’ll be out here so soon. Taking on the world and conquering it...I love you warrior.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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yesterday we did shrooms.

our friend was the ring leader and mixed 9 grams of it in chocolate and we all split it. im usually okay with shrooms and actually sadly took them enough last summer so i felt calm - usually i just have a very mellow empty headed high.

but this was not good and i guess it was ‘better’ that we all experienced not good. like i knew early on it was going the wrong way and suddenly we just wanted it to be over. it was a very intense trip with audio and visual hallucinations but not like full on break from reality - just warping faces and discoloration and hearing talking when there was none.

he did not handle this well at all. i feel both me and our friend have a lot of mental issues and have struggled a lot so it was a bit easier for us to handle but i think i handled it the absolute best because i didnt feel traumatized by it when they did. i mean it was very terrible. but ive done worse sober with my own mind in terms of anxiety and shit and the hallucinations i knew were drug induced. no matter what i questioned i reminded myself it was the drugs. i had no grasp on reality, it was the drugs and it would eventually be over. i really just kind of sat it out.

he took it a lot dfferently and it sat on him in relation to the world around him. like he had become upset but unable to express why he was upset that essentilly what he was feeling was something i had felt sober. like his anxiety and neediness and wanting someone to help and feeling overwhelmed - that’s kind of me on the regular. but being able to feel it himself and see it from this perspective i feel like he could see how hard it actually is. it wasnt like anyone was physically ill. everyone was fine and operating and breathing but mentally it was a complete breakdown. like they were thankful -to come back-. as if we would have lost our minds forever. but i know it’s hard to lose your mind forever, it takes a lot of damage and if i was able to rationalize despite it all, i knew eventually they’d come back.

he was also very very anxious about being upset in front of me because thats not really him. and at one point he was crying, upset about i dont even know and mumbling about james randi. i think he had like pre conceived notions that i might react differently to seeing him upset because he tries really hard to create the illusion of manly man, but on like a subconcious level. i think he thought it would be weakness or something but i just kissed him and everything settled a bit for awhile.

but the mental breakdown was so bad that it took me a really long time to make food. like i was the first one to be able to moderately operate and i guess thats because im used to that sort of mental breakdown state. like it wasnt as if my drugs were weaker - i was definitely totally fucked up and not well. if i was anywhere but a couch with a blanket - dead in the water. but as soon as the worst of the hallucination subsided and i was able to grasp reality for longer than a couple of seconds, i really tried to take control of my mind and body. i wanted it to be over and i could really not operate well and if you would have put a camera on me in this kitchen it would have been frantic pacing and spinning in circles trying to make chicken nuggets and pizza.

as i was making the food i went downstairs to check on them and he was laying on the floor with our friend but he suddenly started freaking out at me very seriously and telling me he needs mental help. to me, it’s semi-normal for him to do this. sometimes he changes moods very quickly and you cant question the shift or it escalates it. if you can get him to see hes exaggerating his own thoughts with something more light hearted, he lets it go. but to our friend, he had never seen this side of him. he kept whining about needing a movie on tv but he was doing nothing to help himself with a laptop in the room etc. it was a brief but intense 2 minutes of very serious freking out about needing “mental help” and i casually mentioned how hes “disturbing” our friend which helped switch him to the realization that he wasnt actually alone.

i finished the food and he asked to tae a nap upstairs which was really just restless anxiety but i felt like .. a much different vibe or shift from him. it wasnt embarassment but like maybe a realization that im not “crazy” and being in mental chaos is hard. both of them were extremely thankful about the food and understood on a deep level how hard it was to mke it - but again, no one was physically sick. everyone could operate but mentally they were gone. so its just really hard to imagine how hard it could be to make food unless you experience if yourself and they did and they appreciated it.

he was very affectionate towards me after, wanting to sit together and hug me and touching me. he asked me a few times if iwas okay and honestly, i was and i am. it was a really easy mental break for me because i knew it was drug induced. i explained it was little sober me curled in a ball inside and just terrified and waiting it out. cuz its not fun to experience that. im surprised i didnt cry but again i knew it was the drugs. maybe im the best person for a bad trip. i took care of myself and two other people.

my friend made a comment about us being “boyfriend and girlfriend” i repeated what he usually says - he’s not my boyfriend. so he directly asked him - “youre not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” and he replied “look we already established i live in my own reality and thats all that matters”

whch really he was referring to a comment i made the day before about how he kind of just lived in his own reality where he wont “define” us having a relationship but literally everyone else who knows him and i does because we do in fact by definition have a romantic relationship. so he can think we dont but we definitely do.

hes very very anxious and passive aggressive about my eviction. which is funny to me because i think its a projection of like.. knowing he probably really wants me but this is a bad situation. like its not a healthy relationship standard to now live together because i was evicted. theres no want or desire there; just necessity. so i get it; but he cant say these things. that makes him committed and obligated to the idea of a full scale long term relationship. he cant be alone and be himself with a connection.

i told him i had an opportunity to live in a nearby bussable city. he commented that itd be a long way to walk but it wouldnt matter - hes going away in the summer (by going away he means the idea of living in his truck). it was a double shot - not only would i have less access to him; it wouldnt matter to him because he’s/he’d just leave anyways.

its a bit upsetting that he would focus on our “non existant” relationship - he drives enough it doesnt seem that big of a deal to live a bit further and i dont have a lot of options at the moment. like this is upsetting for me too but im trying to stay the course. ike its a bump in the road of my recovery; it’s not a step backwards, its a consquence of my actions before and it doesnt define what im doing right now. right now i feel 50 - 70% equipped to handle this. its not going to be fun or easy but itll really be for the best all around. like being in this apartment is not healthy for me.

and i have to live my own life. like i feel at ease with the idea that were not creating a real life together so im kindof moving on and he might have to make effort to keep it going. if he doesnt, well -- sucks, but what more can i do? sorry for not living up to your expectations?

i want to live with him but at the same time, right now, i dont. maybe in a few more months when he figures things out a bit more. not that i have anything figured out but as my mind has cleared, ive begun to have time to think on what i know and believe and want. ive built some confidence in myself that i might know whats best for me. not that i know everything, but i should trust that i know when it best to listen to someone else too. and i should trust when i know that someone elses opinion might not matter.

so i know i want a life partner. i know i want to create things - maybe grow or cook, something stress free. i know i want to help a community thrive and grow things within local areas. i’m tired of doing what everyone else wantsme to do; it’s exhausting and suffocating and leads to constant mental breaks. i just want to be me and being me involves a partner.

i dont want to live with his mother. its very suffocating to be around his mother who places her own misguided expectations on you as well. she told me to get a job at mcdonalds - whch is fair, but what happens when i give up? because i know its what i dont want? why stay in terrible situations? why stay n something you dont want? what i want a majority of the time is to lay down and give up. i’d like the incentive not to and mcdonalds is not it.

but she doesnt understand that. she doesnt get that like this shroom trip, a lot of my daily coping is within life or death. i have to choose life. i have to choose and grasp reality regularly when i’d rather give in to it all. so when you lay that blanket on ‘get a job at mcdonalds’, it’s just not the rght choice. it seems stupid, but its not the right choice.

this week i will amazingly work four days. im nervous but looking forward to it and looking forward to it solving some of my problems.

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