#but in this moment. i am FUCKING proud of all that ive accomplished and im going to say it. i DID GOOD. that was ME

[spacedhead]

HOMESTUCK REREAD #17: END OF HOMESTUCK (act 6 act 6 act 6 and act 7)

this is it!!!!!! this is the end of homestuck!!!

the song setting the scene for all of these battles that are about to take place concurrently is called creata, and it has leitmotifs from MANY songs in homestuck, as do all of the songs in this 18 minute sequence! also check out this fortnite squad....

the second song is called oppa toby style... oh man this is gonna be sick.

GOD LOOK HOW STRONG SHE IS SHES BEATING UP FOUR OF THEM EFFORTLESSLY

roxy my son is fighting so hard actual goat of this section btw no cap you will see later

of course this part is.... not as important but still certainly something i suppose.. karkat and jake are giving it their all as the weakest members of the squad

here come the striders and terezi!!! they are about to mix the shit out of these jacks

side note but not really its kind of crazy how owned dirk gets in this fight he dies like three different times and is saved by dave terezi and jane a bunch . talk about an unlucky break

meanwhile jade is struggling with her dog friends/ enemies and caliborn is fighting his denizen yaldabaoth ( wrdgaf). also vriska is fighting hussie? (WRDGAFX2)

okay so caliborn beat his denizens ass. so called strongest denizen is weaker than caliborn who was beaten by john fucking egbert.

anyway the current song is eternity served cold but only the second half.. its very good. variation on johns theme for a bit, then into lord english theme.

ive always loved this shot

davepeta makes an undertale reference.... which i guess was topical at the time. my undertale phase is long gone though. so . cool reference anyway !

last song. heir of grief is starting. VERY good song. love this shit!!! pic of one of the squads... theyre getting roughed up

oh my god... the four original kids and the pictures of their houses from the beginning of the story really reminds me how far they have come... ive been reading this shit only for a few weeks but man it feels like it really has been such a long time since things were that simple.

cool ass shot of these guys

oh no!!! theyre getting fucked UP dude shes beating their ass... but who is that back there...?

to be honest. i am not sure what jade was trying to accomplish in this sequence. she seems to just be teleporting her and the dogs around.... like to get them to stop fighting maybe? idrk but either way they kinda just fight anyway. or at least PM does

i think this moment of dave chopping dirks head off is not really significant for dave as much as it is for dirk. he finally relinquished control for once!

anyway, PM FINALLY gets jacks ring off, and now he is no longer a threat. its been so long. wow . goat much?

roxy being the one to finish the condesce is deserved. great job. my goat. props to all of these crazy kids they fucking did it they won!!! holy shit good fuckin job!! but we arent quite done yet.

this is beautiful art that is the rest of the comic basically until act 7. i just love these panels so much. one of them has actually been my background for about a year and a half!

its this one . i really love this one it shows so many of my children look at them all god im so proud of them they did it.... YES!!!! i knew this would happen but im still so happy for them.

look!!! the mayor and pm reunited once again. its been since before cascade since they saw each other last! and serenity too!!

this one is a real standout as well... so good i love all of them. am i repeating myself? surely not.

:))))

it is time for act 7. the finale of homestuck, essentially. it has been a long and winding road.... only a little left to go :)

LOOK AT JOGN EGBERT I WANT HIM TOBE HAPYP FOR ALL ETERNAL

a lot of this animation shows the new universe being formed, like the tadpole turning into the frog and stuff. it is very cool, and visually stunning to be honest, but i like to focus more on the characters with my limited images per post. but trust me, act 7 is very beautiful the whole way through :D

LOOK AT MY CHILDREN IN STUNNING HD QUALITY

THE LOT OF THEM. I SIRED THEM ALL? INCREDIBLE

do you see how fucking beautiful these kids are and how much they mean to me. i would do anything for them

holy shit vriska is serving like crazy here. i mean they all are but... okayyy vriska

look at these two. leaders of their sessions. coming together. finishing. it all makes me tear up a little i wont lie. also this music called overture is fucking beautiful.

oh man okay yeah. i am really misty eyed here. this never happened before?? god i fucking love this story

IM GONNA START CRYING DUDE FUCK

well here it is. first view of the idyllic earth c. they did it. they won . they created their universe and they got to live in it

heres one last squad shot of them all being goated and fucking awesome maybe? ever think of that

it started with him and ended with him. my son john egbert i love you so much

okay. its actually over. it feels weird to say but i have indeed completed homestuck yet again. this time was maybe my favorite reading of it other than probably the first time. maybe it was cause of the blogging it? i did genuinely love blogging my thoughts about it. even if no one is paying too much attention, its cool to get it out there :D

overall thoughts? the first part is a little slow to get going, but once it does get going, it's so fun and just a blast to read. things are incredible up until right after cascade where it slows down a lot. which i get. introducing a ton of new characters and essentially a new main villain into the plot can be a lot. i would say that the first half of act 6 is like... a definite decrease in quality? but it starts picking up again when they actually arrive in the new session. and me personally, ive always loved the ending. i know some people were like oh they just win and their plan goes smoothly. like, yeah i get that, but also things did NOT go smoothly when game over happened, and that was definitely the everything goes wrong moment. everything after that is cool and fun and very entertaining to read. i just love this story guys i love it so much there is a reason why it is my favorite piece of fiction and why i constantly come back to it . it is just so good i love the characters i love the concepts the plot is sprawling and self referential and just plain cool . of course it has flaws, namely its villains are a little weak. sometimes i love villains who are just plain evil but sometimes in a story like this i may have preferred a villain who has a little more motive than just being evil and wanting to destroy and kill things... but its alright. the heroes were the main focus anyway, so its not like it ruins the story or anything. i think homestuck goes from an ironic shit post story that makes you feel like an ass for reading it to a heartfelt tale of empathy and self improvement and self actualization. its characters go from asshole kids to pretty good adults. and you can see the writing grow up too. its honestly great and if you know me you probably already know lots of bits and pieces about it and/or i made you read it. but if you dont you should give it a shot. it has NOT aged well i will say but if you can manage to ignore the usage of slurs and probably other bad things i can honestly say it ends as a story about growth and acceptance of the self and others. that is all.......

thanks for reading this to all my friends i had tons of fun

p.s

im reading the epilogues. FUCK

#joff hs reread #my children will win this war #they deserve to win #i love them all #im so proud of them #should i wait until 413 am to post this #i might as well

[theygender]

You know what? I'm proud of the person I've become and the way I'm living my life. I'm my own person. I'm not living my life under anyone else's thumb, and I'm the only one who has any say in who I am and what I want. I'm doing things my way, not anyone else's, and I've been pretty damn successful at it

I needed to get out of my mother's house and back with my support system for my own wellbeing so I moved out at 18 and went to live in an entirely different state. I learned to drive even though it seemed impossible for me at the time, and I got a job in spite of the things that made working difficult for me, and I saved up money, and I found people I could trust to help me, and I moved to a different state. I did that. Even with my mother actively sabotaging my plans. I got out of there and it was the best decision I could have made for my mental and emotional health, and it's allowed me to heal in ways that I never would have been able to otherwise

I wasn't ready to go to college in spite of everyone pushing me to go right out of high school, so I chose to work on learning how to become an independent adult and support myself instead. I spent five years working my way up through shitty customer service jobs, and it was worth every second of it to be able to be myself and live the life I wanted to live. Now I've got a pretty damn decent job after putting in a good 2+ years towards this role, so on top of being able to support myself, I can also afford nice things every once in a while. I can even support my friends and my partner when they need it. That would be good enough, but these past several years of real life experience have helped me decide with confidence what I want to do with my life, and now I'm going to college on my own terms, as someone with the financial and mental stability to be able to do so

I've invested time into healing and learning how to set boundaries for my own personal growth, and recovery may not be a straight line but I've made some pretty fucking good progress. I was finally able to get the help I needed once I moved out and started paying my own bills, and I've put so much effort into getting better. It's taken a lot of work, but for the first time in my life I'm actually... genuinely happy to be alive. I did what was best for me, and I'm going to continue doing what's best for me, and no one has control over me enough to stop me even if they wanted to. I've reclaimed my life for myself, and I've rebuilt it for the better. And after five years of setting and enforcing my boundaries, actively working through my own problems, and becoming independent enough that I can't be hurt... I'm even reconnecting with my mother. On my own terms. And I'm finding that she's changed for the better too and I'm happy to have her as a part of my life now

I took control of my own life even though I had to fight for it. I claimed my independence even though I was told I could never support myself. I did what was best for me even when everyone told me I was wrong. I took a life where I had to spend every day trying to talk myself out of ending it, and I've made it into something that I enjoy living. I did all that, even with all the roadblocks in my way. I'm free, and I'm me, and no one can ever stop me from being either of those two things. And I'm fucking proud of myself

#sorry i dont. know where this came from #i just remembered an old fall out boy song i havent heard in a long time and i think it unlocked some memories #but god im so much better off now than i was back then #and i did that all myself #i had support from my friends and chosen family of course but it was MY decision and i put in the work to get it done #i spent so much of my childhood and teen years just wanting some sort of freedom and now i am free. 100% #no one can hurt me or prevent me from taking the steps i need to heal anymore #and ive built a pretty damn good life for myself. even though i was told that i would never be able to #that i could never support myself and i was doing things wrong and i was wasting my life #i did it anyways. the way i wanted to do it. the way i knew was best for me. and i am honestly genuinely happy with my life now #and i dont allow myself to feel proud of my accomplishments a lot. i tend to downplay everything i do and think im worth less than i am #but in this moment. i am FUCKING proud of all that ive accomplished and im going to say it. i DID GOOD. that was ME #and honestly? i think this was better for my mom too #shes grown so much as a person over these last 5 years and shes now someone that i enjoy being around and talking to and having in my life #ive grown independent enough that she couldnt hurt me even if she wanted to (which i dont believe she does) #but SHES grown independent enough that she doesnt need to lean on me anymore. and thats given us a way healthier dynamic #i spent so much of my life taking care of her & i think part of why she didnt want me to move out was bc she didnt know how to manage w/o me #but now... it feels like shes actually my mother again. in a way that she hasnt been since i was very young #like shes there to support me instead of the other way around. and i may not need it as much but its fucking nice to be supported sometimes #and beyond that like. we're having fun together? #i went on a trip with my family recently and we stopped at the beach and she came out in the water and played in the waves with us? #she told me about how when she was a little kid her and my aunt would hold hands and jump into the waves together. and then we did that #and i dont think my mom had done anything fun with me since.... probably when i was in preschool and we would play barbies together #weird that im kind of just now getting to be her child (and not her caretaker or a possession) for the first time now that im 23 #but its a good kind of weird. and im happy about it #so many people get multiple parents and for the longest time i felt like i couldnt even allow myself to trust the one parent i did have #and now... suddenly... i can. and it makes me really happy to have a mom #rambling #suicide mention #long post

[alreadyblondenow]

Changes

Johnny x reader // SMUT, angst, fluff, virgin!reader Summary: Every single part of you changed when you met Johnny. He’s a sweet responsible man who takes care of you even though he’s completely aware that you can take care of yourself. Even so, you let him because he gives you warmth that you can’t give yourself. Word count: 3k Warnings: Virginity loss, swearing, explicit mature themes, virginity kink?, corruption Note: If some words were misplaced, I apologise in advance. Half assed proofread hehe I’ll edit tomorrow im so sleepy. If you read already, Im sending you love. And thanks for putting up with shit hihi

You remember being a good daughter during high school. How you manage to have a high GPA just so you could make your parents proud and go to a nice college.

And when you got in to your dream college, you remember doing everything right during your those four years. Studied harder than ever and almost broke your back from staying up in front of your computer to finish your thesis. It was always about doing the right thing, staying on track, keeping out from trouble, always so sure what to do next after accomplishing the another. Until you met Johnny. It was the first time you felt so dumb and stupidly in love.

“Baby its not even in yet” you were sure that Johnny’s cock was inside already because the stretch hurts. It hurts so bad you can’t breath properly. “It fucking hurts.”

Johnny let out a giggle, kissing your breast while being half inside you, “Baby it supposed to hurt you’re a virgin” he’s clearly enjoying teasing you underneath him and savouring the tightness of your pussy for the first time. “My virgin”  kissing you a little too sweet and soft even though he’s cock is making your eyes teary. He pushes in again slowly with your consent and fucks you slow, then fast when he sees you relaxing already.

“Johnny wait - it really fucking hurts baby” you pant asking for more time. “Okay okay, Im going slow again, sorry. I thought-“ and he fucks you slowly again, kissing your neck and collarbones.

When the pain was gone, Johnny feels good inside you. You let a string of curses, kissing and bitting him almost covering his face with spit. With a steady and deep pace you were slowly getting why people love having sex. “Still hurting?” Johnny already knew the answer but he wanted to hear it from you. “Not anymore? Hmm. My virgin girlfriend?” you hum at the pet name he calls you. What a weird thing to call you, you thought. But you love it.

Drowned by lust and pleasure, you didn’t notice Johnny was picking up his pace. He’s to experienced for a virgin like you. The both of you can only groan and moan from the feeling you give each other. Exchanging kisses and bites to show affection and appreciation.

“Ugh you’re almost there now aren’t you?” Johnny asked in between fucking you faster than before but not enough to wreck you. “Feels good now yeah?” he grabs you legs and puts it closer to your chest for a new angle.

“Baby - You fuck good” you gulp, trying to help yourself speak while he fucks you with the new angle. “Is this what I’m missing for months now?” and theres Johnny’s smirk again

“Im afraid so baby, Im afraid so”

You whine when he slowed down his pace. “Do you mind if I play a bit?” you didn’t gave him an answer but Johnny proceeds anyway. He knew you’re at the edge already and being the experienced one between the two of you, he wants to have fun and make the best out of this moment. Unexpectedly you earned long and hard stripes of lick on your cunt that made you closed your eyes shut and yell at him.

Johnny is so amused seeing you so fucked up for the first time. Without a warning he pushes inside you again and fucks you with the same pace as earlier. He noticed your eyebrows furrow and your lips parted letting out sounds so sweet for him.

“I think I found you sweet spot baby” you couldn’t agree more.

“Am I fucking you good huh? Am I fucking you right?” only gasps and moans comes out from your mouth.

“You have to show me baby. You have to cum” but that’s the problem, you knew you have this weird feeling in your abdomen that you somehow can’t let go off. Finally having the strength to talk back, latching on his arms and moving you head from side to side, “I’m trying to let go baby - fuck give me time” but being the dominant that he says he is, Johnny is losing patience and you don’t know what to do. “Aren’t I fucking you good? Why aren’t you cuming yet huh?”

And just as you though the knotting in your abdomen couldn’t get worse, it did. But this time you knew what you want. “Fuck baby! More” to your surprise, he didn’t fucked you faster but he fucked you harder instead. You didn’t know it will give you the same satisfaction that you were craving for just seconds ago before he delivered hard thrusts. He felt your pussy clench and that’s enough for Johnny to make the both of you cum together.

“There you go. You like it rough huh okay I’ll do better next round” Thrust. Thrust. Thrust. You can feel his hips slapping on your skin and you finally felt that sweet release that he was asking for. You cum before him and he chased his orgasm by fucking you faster, he didn’t know that made you overstimulated. “You’re okay, sshh. You’re okay.”

He removes the condom and helped you come down your high. Massaging everything he can as a form of apology, “sorry for being rough” he kisses your shoulders and you encircled your arms around him.

“I got a boyfriend that can fuck that good?” forcing a smile trying to fight the exhaustion. Johnny blushed by your sudden compliment making his eyes small. When you pull him for a hug, his body is warm and sweaty but he surprisingly still smells good. That day you asked Johnny to keep on fucking you until you learn how to be confident on having sex with him. For you, Johnny was the prefect person to help you say goodbye to your innocence.

Every single part of you changed when you met Johnny. He’s a sweet responsible man who takes care of you even though he’s completely aware that you can take care of yourself. Even so, you let him because he gives you warmth that you can’t give yourself.

He completely changed your uptight personality and introduced you to thrills and excitement. You never felt so alive after giving up that perfect image of you that you try to maintain.

He made you crave for pleasure and lust that he’s willing to give as long as you let him love you unconditionally and you give the same in return. Of course you love Johnny. He taught you that love shouldn’t always be perfect and that it could be a lot more complicated sometimes. Which is true. You always thought love should be perfect and it’s always about marriage and having kids. And you want none of that. For the first time in your life you don’t want to follow the life your parents want you to have.

-

Johnny is balls deep in your pussy, panties to the side and fucking you good on the dinner table. The man couldn’t get his hands off of your perfect figure. The room is full of moans and the sound of the table rocking back and forth from Johnny’s thrusts.

“What if we get married?” Johnny blurted out.

That doesn’t sound right. “Ah!” still catching your breath gasping and wanting more but what you heard made your head dizzy. “Johnny, I need you to get off”

“What- why? What did I do?” you got down from the table grabbing your satin shorts on the floor, wearing it again. You see Johnny putting his cock back in his boxer briefs and putting his pants on. “Is it because of what I just said? Im sorry I didn’t mean to. Lets just forget about it okay?”

“The fact that you already considered it Johnny... you will continuously think about it then someday you’re going to ask me again and again” you crossed your arms and sat across the table.

“What?” he scoffed.  “Didn’t you think that someday we will get married? Didn’t that crossed your mind! Isn’t that the goal? Isn’t that our goal!”

“Don’t shout. And no. Thats the last thing that I want. And see, thats what Ive been saying. Once you thought about the M word, you will never stop thinking about it ever again” there was a few minutes of silence, you knew you’re gonna tear up the moment you talk again. But he has to hear your part, he has the right to know what you want.

“Getting... “ your voice already cracked. “Having kids, settling down all of it. You don’t know how those things work Johnny, they’re suffocating. The weight of the responsibilities is unbearable”

“So you’re saying a life with me is something bad that will change your life completely” he wanted you to look at him but you can’t,  “So what? Were just gonna fuck like teenagers until were 40? You sound like you’re going to leave me one day.”

“I  don’t know. Its just… its not me Johnny”

“Or maybe you just don’t love me enough y/n” he pushed his hair back leaning on the table and staring you down with cold eyes, “clearly were not on the same page anymore.”

“Thats not true”

He doesn’t say a word. He gets his jacket and kissed you on your cheeks. You can’t watch him leave because it will hurt you so much. But when you heard your door close gently, suddenly you felt so weak and cold.  

The next day you asked him to go grab breakfast with you before you two go to work. Not knowing how to fix this, you still tried to reach up to him. Maybe you just got lucky that he didn’t want to pry on what happened yesterday and everything seemed fine during breakfast. From there on Johnny stopped talking about what he wants to happen in the future. Not bringing up the M word again, he’s not asking you random baby names anymore, no more IKEA window shopping for your future shared apartment. And quite frankly you miss it. Without Johnny being hopeful like that, your relationship seems dull.

You try to bring the old him back by asking him to go IKEA shopping with you. He agreed but he was quiet the whole time. He just talks whenever you asked him something.

You caught him looking at this couple who was checking furnitures together, his eyes full of envy and you can see right through him.

When you got home, you placed the bags on top of the table and went straight to the bathroom to cry. Constantly blaming yourself for not wanting the same thing as Johnny wants and for ruining the relationship you have. You grabbed a towel from the basket and you bit it to filter your screams. If you thought he didn’t hear any of your sobs and screams, you’re wrong. He’s waiting for you on the other side of the door crying his eyes out too.

Knowing that he’s outside waiting for you, you tried forming your words and forcing yourself to speak. “B-baby, I just cant provide the things you want in life anymore. You’re hurt, Im hurt. And we cant fix it because we don’t want the same things anymore. I can’t force myself to marry you and have kids when I don’t want to. And You don’t have to stop wanting and dreaming to have a family just because I don’t want to. Johnny, I think this is where it ends” You told him he could leave you and there will be no hard feelings. The breakup was somehow peaceful, no screaming and yelling like what you thought it would be. Maybe you just love each other that much but it’s still not enough.

After breaking up with Johnny, you went back home and help your sister plan her wedding. Although the two of you has very different views when it comes to marriage, you loved seeing your sister happy and excited to be married. During the wedding your sister shared the news that she’s already seven weeks pregnant and you couldn’t be more happier and the day became even more eventful because of the little angel. That day, you saw your sister’s husband tear up while she was walking down the aisle. That day, you heard your sister’s husband shout “I’m going to be a father!” You can’t help but think about how happy Johnny must be if he become someone’s husband and how happy he could be when he finally become a father.

After months and months of waiting, you finally met the little angel. An angel that changed your life. You don’t know what happened to you but meeting the little angel changed your perception in life. Yours sister’s baby was a miracle to many people, you included. Seeing how happy your sister and her husband with the baby made you realise that bringing life into this world can give you genuine happiness. You loved your niece unconditionally, showered him with every love you could possibly give and turns out you’re good with kids.

Another wedding is bound to happen, a little rushed and unplanned but you do know the couple loved each other. You knew you could possibly ran into Johnny during the wedding and you did. He looked fine as always, almost made every bridesmaid craving for him.

“All right! calling all the single ladies, it’s time for bride to throw her bouquet”

You were sure you’re sitting far from the bride not bothering to even get up and participate. You were also sure that you will never going to catch it even if you made an effort. But somehow you wanted it to come to you, near enough and catch it with both arms for Johnny. And it did. It landed on your lap. You scoffed looking at the beautiful flowers, smelling it to make it less awkward.

When the party started, everyone was almost drunk enough to care whose wedding it is. Laughter and giggles everywhere. You were alone, enjoying a whole bottle of champagne all by yourself.

“Mind if you tell who’s the lucky guy?” not turning your head back to look, that voice is familiar enough for you to know who it is.

“So happy to see you here Johnny” instead of giving him a hug you gave him a toast. Looking at each other’s fingers. Johnny checks your finger for any sign of an engagement ring and you checking his fingers for a wedding ring.

None. You answered his question to make the situation less awkward, “Just got lucky” you let out a small giggle. “The bride pretty much threw it far. And it just so happens that I’m sitting far enough for it to land on my lap” you both laughed, happy that you’re able to see each other again. Happy to have the chance to see each other’s eyes again without tears in it.

“How about you? Who’s the lucky girl?” Johnny laughs and downed the remaining alcohol from his glass.  

“Still you”

You didn’t expect him to be straightforward but you’re happy about it. That night Johnny brought you to his new apartment and you had sex on his couch, on his bedroom floor and on his bed. The next morning you were welcomed back to Johnny’s life again with all smiles, kisses and a lot of orgasms he almost ran out of condoms.

For the past couple of months you and Johnny were busy catching up with all the years you spent apart and slowly building a more established relationship. Your life couldn’t be more happier.

“Baby Im home. And Im tired” you heard him drop his keys at the table near the door, of course he made his way to the kitchen first. Feeling his arms encircled around your waist, “I’m almost done with making dinner” you gave him a kiss and he made his way to the living room. Then you heard him shout, you slowly put down the hot pot and hurried yourself to Johnny.

“Oh my gosh! Who are you?” Johnny is pointing at your sister’s baby crawling around in the living room, playing with his toys.

“Gosh you scared me. T-thats my sister’s baby. I need to babysit tonight hope you don’t mind”

“Oh! I don’t mind… Come here you little ball of sunshine, lets play” and Johnny came crawling around the living room trying to catch the energetic baby. You giggle at the sight of Johnny crawling around. He’s so tall and big.

“Johnny, I thought you’re tired…”

“Nope. Not anymore”

When you’re both in bed with the baby in between the two of you, Johnny cant stop looking after the kid, humming lullabies and patting his small legs making him sleep deeper.  

“Johnny a lot of things changed when we were apart. I started to love kids and actually looking forward on having one someday” you looked at him,  “or some…” you whispered carefully not to wake the sleeping angel. He chuckled lightly, pushing his hair back “I know” he whispered back. He pats his side of the bed, gesturing you to lay beside him. He puts a pillow next to the sleeping kid so he can still roll around the bed safely.

Johnny pulled you close to him, hovering his leg on yours. He feels warm as always. “For how long?” you asked out of curiosity. “since we got back together. You constantly talk about having our own house someday whenever we watch lifestyle network. And, you constantly ask me to fuck you raw” You were both trying not to laugh so hard cover each others mouths. Before you two close your eyes, Johnny told you he liked the idea of the two of you whispering “Whispering is good. Can’t wait to have more whispering moments with you.”

The next day your sister came in really early, Johnny was still sleeping. You told her how he took care of the baby and that he was the one who babysit the whole night playing and taking care of him. “tell Johnny I said thank you. And please, make your own baby” you can’t believe your sister just told you to have your own baby already. “Okay okay. Get out already before you wake him up. I love you, drive safe”

When you came back to the bed with Johnny, he kissed you good morning completely aware that the baby is already with your sister. “I’m gonna miss the little guy” eyes still closed he’s still whispering so you played along. “Well, we can always make our own little guy” and that woke Johnny up hovering you and showering you with wet kisses. He’s so heavy but you’d rather let him crush you than being away from him again.

“Just so you know I want three kids. Two boys one girl” he says with a big smile while drawing circles around your tummy. “You do realise thats three different educations…” he chuckled and showered your exposed tummy with kisses making you tickle and whine.

“I  know, thats why were gonna save like crazy before having them” he finally kissed you on the lips.

“I like that plan Johnny Seo you sound even more sexier. Lets be sure everything is fine and settled when they enter this world”

“And completely change our lives” he can’t stop rubbing your tummy, “I love how we’re compromising now. I never want to yell at you ever again. Not now, not ever. Definitely not in front our children”

You catch his hand and interlock your fingers with his, “I never want that to happen too baby” Johnny came closer to you, kissing you deeply. “Baby why are we whispering?”

you feel his hands creep inside your shorts, teasing your clothed clit and you let out a soft moan, biting his lips. “I don’t know... practicing to be quiet maybe?” He chuckles in between kisses.

“You going to marry me now?”

“Yes Johnny, I will”

................................................. Masterlist

#nct-writers #neowritingsnet #cznnet #nct smut #nct johnny #johhny seo #nct fluff #nct angst #nctfic #nct scenarios #smut fic #smut #johnny seo smut #nct #kpop fic #nct imagines

[sukirichi]

— LOVE LETTER FROM ANON ; 💌

this is from an ask i received. i copy pasted and replied here as a text post since i can’t put “read more” on anon asks and it’s quite long hehehe. to the anon who sent me this, i give you loads of my love, thank you so much for everything !!

[ the ask ]

hi lovely,

i just read earned it and i have a couple things i’d like to say to you if you don’t mind. before i start, i completely understand if you don’t want to share this ask or even read at all which is fair. but if you do decide to read it, i know that one person such as me cannot change the decisions a writer had made such as discontinuing a series but i hope that this allows you some sense of peace or happiness towards your creation and end of earned it. i’m actually writing this is my notes before i send it to you so that’s how you know i truly mean it. buckle up baby!

i’d like to start with this; i just read and finished all the remaining chapters of earned it. i don’t know how to say this without sounding arrogant or cocky which truly isn’t my intention here, i promise so i’ll just say it as is. i swear to ever loving god, i’ve scoured the entirety of tumblr, ao3, fanfiction.net, wattpad, everything and anything, and it still isn’t very often that i find works like these, far and few between dare i say. ive looked through almost everything i could get my hands on to read in the jjk fandom and dear god, do you manage to keep on surprising me. i’ve read majority if not all your works along with following you on ao3 and tumblr, and i must say. i truly am so fucking impressed. completely and absolutely fucking floored if you will. the amount of plot twists and pure emotion you managed to put into this is only something i can dream of ever creating.

i cannot lie, it truly my hearts to think that people gave you so much shit over this to which ended in you deciding to discontinue along with your lack of interest which at least, is understandable unlike the hate. i literally cannot comprehend how people would be unhappy with the outcome so far after reading it since it was beyond fucking magnificent in my eyes. it kept me on my toes the entire time whilst never managing to bore me once and as someone with adhd, thats fucking hard to do, i’ll admit it. props to you. and as much as i want to grovel and beg for crumbs, something, anything to know about how it ends, i know that that will most likely accomplish nothing to both you and i so decided to just say this.

thank you for writing this. thank you for not only writing it but dealing with the experience of unwanted and negative criticism to the point you had to stop and discontinue it whilst also being generous and amazing enough to keep it up so other people could still read it. i really hope your proud of earned it and how it turned out so far, because if i were you, i’d be so bloody fucking proud i wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

my friends often tell me i overstep my boundaries and i really hope i aren’t doing that with this but i just really, truly, wanted to express my genuine appreciation and thanks towards your writing and towards you as a writer that puts out content, not to mention for free!!!!, for people like me. i also don’t want to seem as if i’m glorifying earned above all your other works, because that’s not what i mean. your writing is just… just fucking chefs kiss. sorry, my brains starting to run out of words at this point but oh my god. thank you for letting me experience the experience of earned it even though there was no proper end. i’d rather have that than nothing at all. and maybe i misread this entire thing, maybe you are goddamn proud of your work, which you fuckinf should be considering the pure quality it is. once again, chefs kiss!!

i just… i don’t know what to say anymore. your writing, quite literally, has made me completely fucking breathless in a good way of course. anyways, i hope this wasn’t too much of a ramble and at least managed to make you smile or something. have a lovely day sweetheart!!!! <333 :*)

OMG ANON PLS FORGIVE ME IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME DAYS TO RESPOND TO, I DIDN’T WANT TO GIVE YOU A HALF ASSED RESPONSE SO I WAITED TO GET MY MENTAL ENERGY BACK TO A HUNDRED PERCENT SO I CAN SEND BACK MORE LOVE TO YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY !! FIRST OF ALL UHM… 

you really made me speechless with this one, you have no idea. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve reread this and teared up a little bit because you know… I’m so shocked like I really have no idea what I did to receive such a sweet message because I’m just writing silly fanfics when I’m feeling it yknow? Or at least that’s what it seems like because it turns out I have a huge impact on others and I’m able to make people happy like I’ll never EVER get used to that feeling and I mean that in a good way !! Like I’m in a constant state of disbelief that people are this affected by my content and I’m just… 

I’m so thankful truly PLEASE can I give you a hug I’m so happy sobs sobs sobs

also baby, thank you sm for this again AAAAHH. I’m not sure if you really mean ‘Earned It’ the mafia! gojo series or ‘Reckless’ the CEO gojo series though ?? Both are discontinued but Earned It was discontinued bcos my dumbass killed Naoya there and he was my favorite so I lost the motivation and it was all my fault SOBBSSS. as for Reckless though, yeah I’d say it was mostly the hate I got for it that demotivated me into continuing it :// but if this ask is meant for Earned It, then yes thank you so much for the kind words as well, though I didn’t really receive hate for it so no worries !!

and aaah anon im…I’m at a loss for words lmao but the part where you said where you would be proud if you wrote it, that’s really…LIKE IDK it just hit me bcos oftentimes I look at something I poured my heart into, but then I’d have days where I’d be like YIKES that wasn’t a good one. its so easy to forget the effort we put into something when we’re affected by external factors. and yeah even though I really don’t want to continue either series anymore, thank you for leaving me the important note of being proud of myself <33 

although the series (earned it) wasn’t really something I’d properly executed and planned for, I do remember being passionate over it and feeling truly excited to update. even if it didn’t end out the way I wanted it to, it’s still something I poured my heart on and that’s magnificent on its own, so I’ll be prouder of myself from now on <33

no worries bb you are not overstepping any boundaries at all !! believe me when I say this ask truly do means a lot to me – more than you’ll ever know. messages like these are what keeps me going, as feedback is important to writers, but most of all it’s the genuine support and sincerity that gets to me. 

I’m truly humbled and grateful right now. thank you for this again and again and again.

THIS MADE ME MORE THAN SMILE !! there’s a lot of things I’m struggling with even if I don’t publicly express it, but messages like these will always have a special place in my heart. I’m sincerely grateful for everything, and I’ll continue writing here and sharing my works!! It’s supportive people like you that make these moments worthwhile. I’ll never forget this message anon AAAAH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THANK YOU THANK YOU YOU HAVE AN EVEN BETTER DAY OR NIGHT, you have me weak in the knees for this

OKAY BRB SOBBING IN HAPPINESS

#asks with naoya's trophy wife #suki: for keeps #uwu anon

[ksjsflower]

16th of July - Jungkook X Reader

part 1

genre: humor, college!au, jungkook! fuckboy au, future smut and angst

words:idk dude

It was at times like this that you wondered whether the whole universe that we live in is just a tiny fraction of something way more powerful. Could it be destiny? If there even was such a thing, you were almost certain it had struck you when you had least expected it to. Thursday, 16th of July, 2016. The day you knew you would remember your whole life and all of your next lives.

The 16th of July 2016, Thursday. You were 19, just graduated from highschool, ready to start college. Oh, were you in for a ride. During your high school years, all you ever thought about was how fun college and moving in with your best friend, Nana, would be. Nana was actually more like a sister to you. You guys met way back when you were 5 at a playground. It was at the moment she stepped on your sand castle and started crying and apologizing you knew you two were gonna become friends.

However, moving in - not so fun actually. Both of you had a mess at home, and of course, your mothers were worried sick about you two 'becoming independent and growing up so fast'. The first day you two arrived at your dorm was chaotic. People were running aroung, bumping into each other like there's no tomorrow, everyone was all up in their business. Until.

'Dude, the guy with curly hair and a leather jacket by the lockers has been staring at you for about 2 minutes now.' Nana whispered to you while you were trying to balance your books for the classes you both got today.

'Uh, what? Where and who and why?' you crinkled your nose when a certainly heavy book pressed your pinky. 'I could use some help over here, stop looking around for boys, its the first day for fuck's sake..' you rolled your eyes.

'Alright, FIRST of all, - she was getting ready for another one of her rants - 'it's kinda hard not to notice when there's quiete a few people over here if you didnt already realize that, that his eyes out of all the people he can look at, only look at you. For t w o minutes. Even three now, cause' I just checked and he is still looking, only now he has a smirk on his face probably because your hair is a mess from holding 20 books and I am talking to you about him not so subtly cause now hes looking at me haha-''

You were so confused as to why she was rambling to you while looking behind you as if something was approaching. Nevertheless, you didnt think much of it. You just thought it was another one of Nana's silly actions, until you felt a hand on your shoulder the same moment Nana abruptly shut her mouth.

You slowly started turning around not expecting the smell that came from behind you to be strong cologne. You hated cologne, so it left you wondering for a second why you actually enjoyed inhaling this particular one.

But when you actually did turn around surprising yourself when you didnt drop any of the books you were holding, you were met with a face of a boy. A rather good looking boy. Man, probably the best looking boy you have seen in the last 10 years. When your pair of eyes met his doe like pair, you were left speechless. Thank God you werent the one who was going to start the talking because as soon as you opened your mouth you were cut off by his own voice.

'Are you guys new here? I saw you going around looking all confused and shit so if you need any help, you can ask me, I dont bite,' - he mused in a rather interesting tone,you couldnt decipher if he was being flirty or if his tone was usually sensual like that. - 'Yeah, I'm sure thats why you were looking,' Nana jumped in very awkwardly and as to prove her point, she added an unpleasant laugh at the end of her statement which made you want to face palm yourself right in front of his face.

'Yes, of course. Now why else would I be looking? I am a well mannered man.' He gave a smile so charming you were sure you would have flown to another dimension right then and there if it werent for all the books you were holding.

He must've noticed your lack of response which is why he took half of the books you were holding to himself. 'There you go.. saw you struggling for a little while. Also, I couldnt help but notice your little friend over her talking about me? Or am I possibly wrong?'

You finally spoke up and mentally congratuated yourself for not stuttering. 'Uh, yeaahh.. you're probably seeing things, we were just trying to find the right classes and stuff..'

'Seeing things? Damn, didnt have to word it like that, makes me feel undesirable,' he gave a breathy laugh while faking being hurt by putting his hands on his chest.

'Oh, I am sure that it does' you answered sarcastically. Cmon, this guy looked like sex on a stick. Feeling undesirable? Certainly not his case.

'See, you get me. I was not mistaken when I thought I felt a connection to you the moment I saw you across the hall,' he gave you a cheeky grin which left you rolling your eyes at the back of your head so hard you were sure they were gonna stay there.

'A connection? Please. And here I was thinking that this was a fuckboy free college.' You sighed dramatically which left Nana bringing her fist to her lips to stiffle her laughs.

He did look a bit taken aback by your response, but nevertheless managed to cover it up with a smirk in a span of 0.02 seconds. 'Arent you a fiery one, huh?' He smiled yet again in his seemingly natural flirty self.

'You havent seen anything yet.'

'Oh, so you're implying that we are going to have more talks in the future?' He smiled at you but his eyes were rather daring.

'You wish. Keep dreaming boy. Theres only one first impression and youve ruined it, so we aint talking any time soon.' - Nana once again let out a wheeze, only this time it was loud and you shut your eyes tightly wanting the ground to open and swallow you.

'Its alright, it doesnt have to be anytime soon, I can wait if its you who Im gonna talk to.' His comment left your cheeks tainted a light shade of pink, but you couldnt let your resolve crumble infront of him. Who did he think he was all confident trying to seduce you without even knowing your name?

'Nah, Im good. You didnt really understand what I meant. We aint talking anytime soon is supposed to mean that we are never talking after this again, kapeesh?' you were stating to get tired but you wanted to continue bickering with the unknown boy for some reason.

'Baby, dont underestimate me. Never is a strong word. - plus.. if we aint gonna talk thats okay we dont have to talk, we can always do other things.' he winked at you after throwing the innuendo right at your face. You scrunched your nose at the pet name but chose to ignore it.

'That was extremely pervy of you saying that to someone you have quiete literally just met. - you paused to flick your hair behind your shoulder. 'you should congratuate yourself, ive never started hating someone as soon as I did with you, you are the first one to accomplish that , you should feel proud, man.'

'I can be a lot of firsts to you, you know. I feel honored to be honest.' he announced proudly for some reason.

'Bold of you to assume you would be my first. Dont underestimate me, baby.' you threw back repeating his exact same words.

Nana was getting ready for the good part when suddenly you cut her fun short. 'Nana, lets go.' you grabbed your books from his hands harshly with one hand and pulled your best friend with the other free hand.

As you two were walking away you ignored Nana's whispers of protest when suddenly a voice was heard from behind you two.

'I'm Jungkook, by the way!' he yelled over a few people passing by.

You stayed quiet and opted for giving him the finger while he was still facing your back. Jungkook did not know why that action pulled the biggest toothy smile on his face, but was certainly glad you didnt get to see it.

'Well... at least he was cute?' Nana added while you two already walked away.

'Yeah. Cute.' you answered emphasizing both words as to let her know you thought he was everything except cute.

Well, college was going to be a lot of fun.

#jungkook jungkookbts #bts jungkook #bts scenarios #bts fluff #jungkookxreader #bts smut #bts angst #btsoneshots #oneshot #fanfiction #jeonjungkook

[breanime]

Heartworm (Part One)

Guess who got her internet baaccccck! This gal! So @songtoyou sent me this request and I IMMEDIATELY started getting ideas. This could be up to or past 5 parts, I don’t even know! It all depends if you guys like it and want more! This is kind of a soft re-imagining of season 2.

Request:  How about instead of Billy going to his stupid psychiatrists place to seek refuge, he goes to the home of a girl who he was in a serious relationship with. Like, this girl is the only person Billy could ever see himself settling down with. However, once he got money, status, and power from Rawlins he pushed her to the side and eventually dropped her from his life. But once she sees the state Billy is in and how sad, scared and alone he is she wants to help him.

Part One is based on Halsey’s Without Me, particularly these lyrics:  

Found you when your heart was broke I filled your cup until it overflowed Took it so far to keep you close (Keep you close) I was afraid to leave you on your own

I said I'd catch you if you fall And if they laugh, then fuck 'em all (All) And then I got you off your knees Put you right back on your feet Just so you can take advantage of me

*gif not mine* (I gotta stop using this gif lol)

You stood frozen in your living room, eyes glued on the TV. The news was saying that Billy, your Billy, was a murderous traitor and a danger to society. You watched as they showed footage of Billy’s apartment up in flames. They said he bombed it himself after killing a handful of Homeland Security agents, they also said that he hired mercenaries for his Anvil staff. The government seized his assets. He shot Curtis in the shoulder. He knew about Frank’s family. He set them up to be killed. Billy. Your Billy.

Except he wasn’t your Billy anymore; he hadn’t been your Billy for three years. You sat down on the couch, legs numb with shock, as you took in what the newscaster was saying about your ex-boyfriend, the only man you’ve ever loved. They flashed a picture of him on the screen. The caption read: “Armed and Dangerous, Do Not Approach”. The newscaster was saying something about Homeland and Frank going after Billy, but it was all starting to sound like white noise to you. Your mind said to get out of town and run until it was all over, but your heart wanted to reminisce, wanted to remind you why you even cared in the first place.

“…and I’m gonna have a Rolls Royce,” Billy said, one arm behind his head and the other wrapped around your waist, “I’m gonna drive it to meetings, rich assholes love a power play.”

You smiled up at Billy, you loved listening to his grand plans for the future. “Are you gonna be a pocket square kind of rich asshole or a ‘Maureen, hold my calls’ kind of rich asshole?”

“Mm,” Billy pulled you closer to his naked chest, “I’m gonna be a pocket square kind of asshole,” he answered, “that’s the best way to run a business.”

“Of course,” you agreed, snuggling up against him, “you’re gonna be a big shot. And I’m gonna have to make an appointment with Maureen just to see you.”

Billy tsked and put a finger on your chin, lifting your face so you were eye-to-eye. “That ain’t never gonna happen,” his dark eyes bore into yours, “I’ll always have time for you.”

You smiled and pressed your lips against his. You felt Billy’s arms tighten around you, lifting you up until you were laying on top of him. You kissed him again, slowly parting your lips, inviting his tongue into your waiting mouth. His eyes were heavy-lidded with lust when you pulled back. You rubbed your nose against his. “I love you.”

His smile made your chest heave with adoration. “I love you too, Y/N.” He kissed you again. “I promise I’m gonna make you proud one day, baby. I’m gonna get us outta this shit hole and out you somewhere nice, where you belong.”

You shrugged. Money and status meant a lot to Billy, meant success, but you were happy enough where you were. Yeah, your apartment was kind of small, and yeah, the heat stopped working every few months, but you’d lived in worst places. Besides, you had Billy. He made you so unbelievably happy; you could have lived in a cave—as long as Billy was with you, you’d be fine. “You know I’m already proud of you,” you told him, “You’ve accomplished so much already.”

“Mm,” Billy kissed the top of your head, “I can do more.” He kissed your nose. “I’m gonna get this security shit together.” He kissed your right eyelid. “I’m gonna get us a place uptown.” He kissed your left eyelid. “And I’m gonna make it so you don’t ever have to work again.” You sighed as he kissed your cheek next. “I ain’t gonna let anyone look down on us anymore.” He kissed your other cheek. “I’m gonna make you so happy, baby.” You felt yourself melt when he finally kissed you on the lips. “I’m gonna take care of us…

…I’m gonna take care of you.”

You turned the TV off, cradling the remote to your chest. You felt your breath getting shallower and casually recognized your erratic heartbeat. You didn’t know what to do. You believed the news—you weren’t sure about the details, but you knew Billy well enough to know that he would do anything for power. You had seen the change that money bought him firsthand, and you didn’t like it at all. You thought about calling Curtis, but you didn’t want to bother him. He was probably up to his neck in cops and paperwork and…Homeland Security, apparently. You wondered how it came to this. Frank was alive. Billy was a wanted man. Curtis was wounded. And you…were alone.

You spent the night on the couch, too numb and confused to get up. You dreamt of Billy and woke up shivering. You got up and made yourself a cup of coffee. Your phone was on the counter, and you frowned as you picked it up. You had missed calls from your mom, your best friend, your boss, and your sister. You had no desire to speak to any of them. You also had a call and voicemail message from an unknown number. Hitting the speaker button, you played the message.

“You’re gonna hear some things on the news.” Billy. “They’re true. I…I did all those things they say I have. By the time you get this message, I’m either gonna be on the run or dead.” It sounded like he took a breath before continuing. “I wanted to see you before I go, but…that’s not gonna happen. So just… Just know that I…” A sigh. “…I think about you all the time. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, a lot of bad choices, done a lot of shitty things, but… I only regret one thing: letting you go. I wish… I should have fought for you more. I should have…” There was some shuffling, and you thought Billy might have put the phone down for a moment. “Listen, they’re gonna say a lot of things about me, and people are gonna try to tell you that I’m heartless and evil, but I want you to remember…You loved me once. You’re the only one I could ever be honest with, the only person in this world who knows who I am. Just… Remember that. And… I’m sorry, Y/N. Goodbye.”

You stood in your kitchen and listened to Billy’s message for at least another 30 minutes. By the time you went back to the couch and turned the TV on, Billy was pronounced near-death and was being kept under constant surveillance at the hospital. Frank Castle was said to be ‘in the wind’ and Anvil was being torn down and all the profits split up. The news interviewed a medical professional about the chances of Billy making any kind of recovery. They predicted he would be dead in six months.

You turned the TV off and wept.

It had been nearly a year since everything went down with Billy. The coverage for Billy’s case had pretty much stopped after a month, and people were onto the next scandal now. Curtis had stopped by your place and told you that Frank left town. The visit had been brief, but he told you what Billy had done—confirming what you’d heard on the news—and said that his orders had come from someone named Rawlins. Rawlins, you understood, was dead. Curtis had word from Frank to tell you that he had been given a new identity by the government and was going to hit the road for a while. When you asked why he’d want you to know that, Curtis had just said: “you needed to know it was over”. You should have felt anger, or pity or sadness but… you felt nothing. You had been operating on auto-pilot, swimming in a thick fog of numbness, since Billy had been arrested. The last thing you could remember feeling, really feeling, was a deep and intense sorrow when you listened to Billy’s message. He had broken your heart, left you, and then revealed himself to be a monster and you…You were just tired.

“I don’t know what you want me to say Y/N,” Billy’s back was to you. You had barged into his office at Anvil, demanding to see him, but now that you were there… The way he was talking to you was cold and detached. His stance was rigid, his focus was on the recruits below him, not on you. This Billy—CEO Billy—was not what you had signed up for.

“I want you to say you’re sorry,” you said, “I want you to say you care.” Billy didn’t say anything. You clenched your fists. “Look at me, Billy.”

He turned. He was wearing an expensive three-piece suit and his hair was impeccably cut. His eyes, the eyes you loved, the eyes that looked at you with such care and affection, were hollow.

“What happened to you?” You asked, looking him up and down with disgust. “You never come home, you barely spend any time with me—”

“What do you want, Y/N?” He said, irritation clear in his voice. “I’m busy. I’m working. I’m trying to afford the penthouse we live in and the car you drive.”

“I bought my own car,” you reminded him, eyes narrowed as you glared at him, “And I work, too, but I make time for the people I love.”

Billy sighed, rolling his shoulders. “I told you, you don’t have to work.”

You sighed then. He was missing the point. “Billy,” you tried again, “I’m tired of this. I can’t keep being an afterthought for you. I need you.” You tried to look in his eyes, but he avoided your gaze. “I miss you.”

Billy walked over to you and put a hand on your waist. He pulled you towards him and kissed you. “I miss you, too,” his voice was husky as he moved his lips to your neck, “I know I’ve been working a lot lately, but we’re so close…”

You closed your eyes. You wanted to have a conversation, but it was hard to think of words—let alone form any—with his mouth on your skin. “Will you come home tonight?” You asked, breath short and voice heavy with lust.

“Mm hmm,” his hand slid to your ass as he kissed you again, “I’m gonna be all yours tonight.” He licked into your mouth and smiled when you moaned.

You felt his hardness pressing against your front and you deepened the kiss. “I don’t know if I can wait that long,” you whispered.

Billy chuckled and released you from his grip. You glared as you watched him walk over to his desk. He pressed a button on his phone and leaned over to speak. “Hold all my calls,” he ordered, smirking over at you, “I don’t want any calls or interruptions for the next hour.” He walked past you and you heard him lock the door behind you. His eyes were gleaming when he turned back to you and he looked like himself, like your Billy, again. His smile made your heart skip a beat. “Take your clothes off, baby. I want to spend some time with you.”

You sat up with a start. It had been months since you’d last dreamt of Billy. You looked around you and cursed under your breath. You had fallen asleep on the couch. No wonder you were off. You hadn’t been able to have a full night’s rest without sleep aids since…since Billy had left that message on your phone. If you didn’t take a pill before you went to bed, you would dream about Billy. You didn’t want to dream about him, you wanted to ignore the ache in your chest and the emptiness in your life and just… Get over it. Get over him. You felt a headache coming on, so you shuffled to the bathroom for a quick shower before bed.

Your mind kept going back to Billy as you got ready for bed; you remembered the strain in his voice in the message he left you, how he used to laugh when you stuck your cold feet on his back, the way he stared down at you as he shifted inside you, driving you wild. You could see his eyes, dark and expressive and so full of love when he looked at you, every time you closed your eyes. You gave up on sleep and went back to the couch, deciding to just spend the night watching horrible night time TV until you could get Billy out of your head.

You were finally getting into the Real Housewives marathon you had been watching when you heard a knock on your door. You glanced at your phone: it was 11 pm. Who the hell would be at your door at this time? You grabbed your phone in case you needed to call the police and stood on your tip-toes to look into the peephole. Your mouth fell open at the same time your phone hit the floor with a dull thump.

Billy Russo was standing in the hallway of your apartment. And he was covered in blood.

*************************************************************************************

I have the next two parts locked and loaded! Pleaaase comment and let me know if you want the rest. The more feedback I get, the more I update! Thanks for reading, and may Billian be with you.

BTW, I got the title from this “emotion that’s hard to describe word”:  Heartworm: a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.

TAGLIST: @delicatelilyflower @doneobrien @ladyblablabla @banditthewriter @something-tofightfor  @starsfragments @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme @hisgirlwednesdayaddams@fictionwillneverdie @maria-beretta @sadnessxvodka @ymariejp @sunnycolors @moonlightsay @its-all-o-kay @damagelove @keyeluh @itsmylife98 @funerals-with-cake @littlemermaidprobz @teacuplotus @king4thesirens @mrsjaxtellerfan @thebabblingbook @tartelette-aux-fraises @madamrogers  @charlylama @iaintnofurry​ @k-buggz2001​ @whitewolfslittlesilverfox @drinix @elanor-of-imladris @floralpeaceofmind

#billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo imagine #the punisher #heartworm

[woodswolf]

Let's go buck wild. Even numbers

i did this........ on mobile........ for You............

also im not bolding all of these its absolutely painful on mobile

2. How old did you turn this year?

21

4. Did your appearance change in anyway?

uhhh not really, been that kinda "lowkey dumpster fire" look for like the entire decade tbh

6. If you traveled, where did you go?

went to las vegas with family for three days over thanksgiving

8. Which fashion trends did you hate?

i dont even know what fashion is i just wear business casual for work and dont get dressed at all on the weekends unless i need to buy food.

10. What song sums up this year for you?

home by cavetown and/or strawberry blond by mitski

12. What was your favorite movie of the year?

i cant even remember if ive SEEN any movies this year tbh but uhh did good blood's oot analysis video essay come out this year? because if so ill go with that

14. Favorite new TV show?

i dont watch SHIT because i am uncultured and have no time!!!!!! but i guess steven universe future has been entertaining to watch from the sidelines

16. What food did you try for the first time?

uhhhhhh i guess i had shepard's pie. i know very new and original but considering my usual diet is "pre-portioned shit that can be thrown in a microwave and consumed" its something

18. What was one nice thing you did for someone else?

i dont remember things that happen more than like 3 days ago at any given time so idk

20. Did you develop a new obsession?

not particularly? just a few old hyperfixations came on stronger

22. Did you move?

yea for work, im in the civilization now

24. Did you get a pet?

sorta? my parents adopted a puppy but shes not mine n im not up there to see her most of the time so

26. Do you regret doing something?

sorta but its hard to explain

28. Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?

sorta yea? but idk how to explain it in short form

34. Did you have to cut ties to someone?

not really? i dont remember

36. Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year?

i dont remember. this whole list is just kinda reminding me of how fucking long this year has dragged on tbh

38. What was the best moment of the year for you?

not really any one specific moment? idk, just goofing off with friends

40. Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t?

this question makes me feel Things in a way thats hard to describe. same with the companion question thats an odd number. how the fuck are you supposed to determine if something should change you as a person? how do you quantify that? and then how do you make a comparison at the end? i have megabig identity issues that im not really public with on this blog and pretty much never have been! it's just a huge series of cop-outs and shit! and like this isnt even getting into the idea of how im supposed to anticipate a change ahead of time? like whats up with neurotypicals n their future vision shit i want that?

42. What are you most proud of accomplishing?

uhhhhhh i got a job n i finished my first big project on that job. i am still working at that job and i hope that i can continue to work there because if i cant im beyond fucked.

44. Did your opinion of anyone change for the better?

uhhhhhh i dont really know? i mean sorta but can an opinion really qualify as having changed for the better if it previously just didnt exist? like oh, i now know more about this person other than their name and the fact that they exist and turns out they are cool and nice. like that doesnt really count as an opinion change imo

46. If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year?

if i made resolutions i sure as fuck dont remember them. but i got a job in my field at least so thats something

48. If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do?  Who would you go this?

kinjago reunion party in fuckin uh. some big cabin in the woods where we can subsist and have sleepovers. n we never leave we just stay there forever.

50. What do you wish for yourself?

really need to keep my job hhhh. really need to fix my pc hhhhhhhhh.

#long post #my posts #i guess tbh

[tessxomarie]

Saving You - Part I

*Hi everyone! First, I need to shoutout @hellosupernaturaldoctor​  for giving me advice and the confidence to even attempt this. This is my very first time writing any fan-fiction and the first time I’ve decided to post any of my writing some place other than a word doc. I’ve had this idea for this story since mid-season of the Mayans, and after the finale I put all my thoughts into a story. It starts off slow, but I promise what I have in store next will be worth it! PS, Any feedback is appreciated! - This story takes place a few months after the season one finale. Ez is now a newly patched in member, Alvarez is still working for Galindo; things have been quiet as of late, well for the most part.*

It’s a Friday afternoon, I’m just getting off of work. It’s hot as fuck outside – guess that’s the price you pay when you live in the desert. I lazily gather my purse from the backroom, before I step foot outside, I redo my hair. What was once a cute pony tail this morning has turned into a mangled mess. As my luck would have it, my hair tie snaps as soon as I go to wrap it around a third time. “Fuck.” I mumble to myself. I always wear an extra hair tie on my wrist, but I cannot have a naked wrist. “Fine, a mangled mane I will have. It’s fine, it’s fine.” I whisper to myself. If I don’t leave here now, I will lose all sanity I have left. Man, what a shit show day today has been, this heat must be getting to the kids. Two broken wrists, a broken arm, a no helmet incident and a random summer cold. I didn’t get puked or shit on, and no kid attempted to kick or hit, so I call today’s shit show a success. Just as I’m about to leave, one of my co-workers stops me, “Leah, good work today. You kept that broken arm kid really calm. Keep it up.” Elena tells me with a smile. “Thanks, Elena. I’m just doing my job, but I always welcome feedback, so thanks again.” I say to her as I head out the back door. It’s 4:30pm, I’ve been on the clock since 6am, one would think I deserve to simply go home and use my complex’s pool – oh one can dream. But nope, I’m still on the clock but I guess you could call this gig more of an always “on-call” service.

I pull up in my old school blacked out Jeep Grand Cherokee about twenty minutes after I leave the clinic to the Romeo Brothers Scrapyard, also known as the headquarters for the Mayans MC.  

Chucky greets me, per usual. “Greetings Nurse Aleeah.” He says to me with a big smile and a salute. I let out a giggle as I always do whenever someone says my full name…I rarely ever go by it, but around here, I hear it more than I have in years. But Chucky, oh Chucky– how does one describe a chronic masturbator who has a good heart and is part of the biker world without truly being a biker? I guess I just did, didn’t I? “Hey Chucky, how are you?” I ask as I park and exit my Jeep. “I am well, swell actually. I have no complaints today.” Chucky answers with a big smile. “Good, I’m glad to hear that.” I say as I give his arm a friendly squeeze. “The boys need your assistance, I don’t know details but clearly someone got messed up hence why you are here.” Chucky explains in typical Chucky fashion.I roll my eyes as I stand in front of the clubhouse. “It’s always something with these boys, huh?” I rhetorically ask. Chucky nods his head and heads back to the office. I walk up the steps and take a deep breath before I enter the clubhouse. This club is like a box of chocolates, you never know what the fuck you’re going to get so it’s best you just grin and bear it. Is it just a cut from a broken beer bottle? Did a fight break out and there is blood everywhere? A bullet wound? A stabbing wound? A rat bite? Like I said, you just never know. I open the doors and pray today is nothing major. “Have no fear, your favorite RN is here.” I announce as I enter the clubhouse and strike a pose in the doorway.  “Umm, isn’t it RN BSN?” Riz corrects as he stands and greets me. “Have I told you that you’re my favorite?” I reply with a playful wink and smile, it does make me truly happy that these guys acknowledge and are proud of my accomplishments. “Hola Aleeah.” Riz says to me while we greet with a warm hug, per usual. “Hey, I spy my favorite nurse!” Gilly shouts from across the room. Creeper, Hank and Taza also wave from the card table. “Greetings gentlemen, you all seem to be in one piece.” I say as I mosey around the few tables between me and the guys. “Although that pleases me, who is the one who called up 1-800-Rescue Nurse?” I sarcastically spit, which receives some laughs from the guys. “They’re in church.” Hank points towards the door. “They? Plural?” I ask looking at Riz, and he nods to confirm. “Jesus Christ.” I say palming my face. “Lee Baby!” Coco shouts from exiting church and walking over to me with open arms. “Ah, Coco Loco.” I reply with a smile and we hug. “How are you doing, Coco?” I ask after we break our embrace. “A lot better than your next two victims.” He replies, him not making much eye contact and that just gives it away – I know automatically who my victims are. “You gotta be kidding me? They got into it again?!” All Coco does is nod and look down at the floor. “How bad?” I ask. “What do you mean? How bad do they look? Or how bad is it between them?” Coco asks me. I shake my head with disgrace. I angrily take my steps towards church and I aggressively open the door. “Damn, she is pissed.” I hear Creeper’s echo as I close the door, as soon I enter the room. Looking at the table, I see them. One is at one end, the other one on the opposite end. I drop my nurse’s bag on the table and cross my arms. “You two have some damn nerve - getting into it again. Jesus. You’re fucking brothers, you are blood – blood don’t do this shit.” I yell with anger and confusion. Silence fills the air as the guys look at each other and up at me. Bishop then looks over to me and quirks an eyebrow and half smile. “Excuse my poor manners, Bish. Your boys tend to make me lose all sanity I have left at the end of a work week.” I tell him as I walk over and give him a warm embrace. “Oh Leah, you’re fine. I know this shit has been out of control recently.” Bishop pauses and looks over to the guys. He takes a deep breath. “I’ll let you handle them now. I’ll be outside if you need a referee.” Bishop exits and I just stand there, crossed arms again. Both boys refuse to look me in the eye, but instead stare each other down. “Are you just going to stand there?” Angel seethes. I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Give me one good reason as to why I should fix the both of you up? Huh? Because as I see it, this is the fourth time this month…THIS MONTH!  Angel, please, humor me and explain to me why the fuck I should tend to your wounds yet again? Maybe if I let you both be, you’ll learn these fights aren’t worth it.” I take a deep breath myself, and I run my hand through my tangled hair, which I then end up putting up in a pony tail right after, I’ll just have to remember to find another hair tie to wear on my wrist later.   “Alright, I’m sorry I went off. You two, you two just frustrate me.” I say holding my hands up mimicking a surrender. I take another breath and look between the boys. My gaze is drawn to EZ, probably because he’s the easier one out of the two. “Okay, EZ, I see that nasty cut on your cheek, oh and your hand – good going big brother.” I say as I look over to Angel. He looks away the moment I look his way. “Shocker, EZ gets to be first yet again.” Angel chirps. “Seriously?” I snap. “I’m over here fucking bleeding, I could be dying but all you and anyone ever cares about is Ezekiel.”   “Shut it Angel, just shut it, please.” I beg. I start to tend to EZ’s war wounds; some cuts, a nasty one on his cheek – I’m guessing Angel’s rings got the best of him this time around. EZ, he doesn’t say much this time I’m here. I know that he feels the same way as me – he’s tired of this back and forth shit with his brother. “EZ, no more. It’s one thing when you all call me to take a bullet out, or to give a rabies shot, but this shit – playground fights, I’m done.” I explain as I place the last bandage strip to his cheek. EZ doesn’t make eye contact, and his jaw is clenched. His knees shaking. “I know, Lee. I’m sorry you’re doing this again.” EZ tells me as he finally meets my eyes for the first time. EZ, he’s easy to read. He wears his emotions in his eyes, his eyes right now are filled with pain and sadness. This whole feud with Angel, it’s taken a toll on everyone in this club. It’s been almost eight months of this fuckery. “Remove the bandage Sunday night, it needs about 48 hours to heal. If you feel the need to remove it beforehand, clean it thoroughly. Have some of your favorite tequila tonight, and you will be good.” I tell EZ as I throw away the things I used to care for him. “Thanks, Lee.” He says as he kisses me on the cheek and walks somberly out of church. My heart aches for EZ, because the pain – physical and emotional is all over his face and body. Angel hasn’t taken his eyes off of the wall nor has he spoken. I slide my bag down the table as I slowly make my way towards him. Rubber gloves are on, and I grab his face. “Let’s see your damage.” I say, like a dog would when a human goes to check their mouth for something, Angel gives me a little tension as I touch his face. Again, no eye contact. A look of annoyance screams from his expression. I see a nasty cut on the side of his head, by his eye – a sensitive area which bleeds more than most. A black eye is also forming. “Jesus Christ, Angel.” I say examining the cut a little further. “This has to stop. I’m begging. I cannot deal with looking at you two like this, because my fear is that one day, I’m going to be too late to help any of you.” “What if it is?” He spews. I scoff, “No more.” Is all I manage to say. I take out an alcohol swab to clean out his cut. “This is going to sting, on the count of three – one, two, three.” I say as I then put the swab against the cut. A loud hiss comes from Angel and an instant reaction of mine is to grab his face and blow lightly at the cut, helping the sting not be so painful. Angel’s eyes then lock with mine, a look of shock and confusion fill his brown eyes. Angel and I, we’ve had a very interesting relationship since I first came to Santo Padre. He gave me an attitude and I gave it right back – he seemed more pissed off when I talked back than just walking away, and the more I talked back, the more tension built up between us. We started out on the wrong foot, and that’s how we have remained. He lets me care for him, depending on the time of day. Sometimes he lets his girlfriend, well I think she’s his girlfriend, Adelita, clean him up. Today, for whatever reason, he stuck around the clubhouse. I continue to blow on his wound, and I wince back in pain for him because I know it had to sting like a bitch. “Uhh, sorry. It’s a habit of mine, when I treat the kids, I have to do this; they hate it too, so that technique helps them...” I ramble and look away because I sense a bit of embarrassment, as I’ve never been “nice” to Angel. I look and reach back at the table to grab what I need next, just as I turn to face Angel again, I notice a very small smile on his face. “What?” I question, because seeing him smile legit concerns me. “It’s nothing, Leah.” He says monotone and lets me continue working on him. A few more minutes go by, and I determine that he doesn’t need any stitches, just a little butterfly work on one of his eyebrows. “Okay, that’s all. No stitches today, that cut on the side of your face, it’s a sensitive area that bleeds more than most. Your eyebrow cut, it’s an awkward cut – it’s ugly but not ugly enough for stitches. My only request is when you clean it out, could you please use both water and soap?” I emphasize. I know how these guys operate. They either use a dirty rag or tap water to clean themselves up. I turn to clean up my stuff and Angel lets out a minor laugh, which catches me off guard. I look at him and quirk an inquisitive look. Angel stands up, he turns behind his chair and lightly pounds his fist to the back of it. “You sounded just like my ma.” He tells me, in the softest voice I have ever heard Angel speak in. I offer him a small smile as I already know what that history is. Angel leaves church, and per usual no other words are spoken, no thank you’s, nothing. I stay behind a few more moments and collect my thoughts and belongings. I hear the door open, at first I’m startled but relieved it’s just Bishop. “How we doin’, sweetheart?” He asks. I let out a very deep sigh and my facial expression tells my feelings of this whole ordeal. Bishop can’t help but laugh, “I know, Lee. I know.” He tells me as he pulls me in for a hug. “I just need to go home and lay in bed and watch a trashy romcom.” I exclaim as I grab my bag. “I think you’ve deserved that, but before you go – you have a visitor.” He tells me. A look of a deer in the head-lights flashes across my face, who the hell could be visiting me? “Just come with me.” Bishop motions for me to take his hand and follow him. Nerves take over, with the Club, you never know what can happen. As I exit the room, I see the guys scattered all over the clubhouse yet all eyes are on me. “Your visitor is the biggest pain in my ass, so make it quick.” Bishop says, but I catch his playfulness I his voice and I look to the bar and I see who Bishop is talking about – Marcus Alvarez.

#Mayans MC #fanfic #My writing #angel reyes #ez reyes

[virtuissimo]

pardon me for using my blog for its intended purpose, but I’ve gota talk about my life insecurities and the pathetic reality of my ongoing existence

if ur prone to thinking badly of ppl for having social difficulties maybe dont read lol

if uv talked to me more than a few times then u kno already tbh i sound like a broken record but I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS im so fucking mad about it, why is this so hard for me???

people say that you have to go to clubs,  but honestly thats realy not enough advice for me because Findng People is not the issue, in fact i have been in several places where by all means i shuold have found someone to be friends with, but even if i do force myself to talk to people and be sociable and say uuh things and even if i do succeed in being funny and likeable (which is far from the norm and my self esteem takes a huge hit every time i exit a social situation having flopped & yes i am overly judgmental of myself but the fact that i dont got friends is proof that maybe there is some truth to it) , nothing ever comes of it!

and like i know this is a pattern with me, where ill try to do something consistently for a semester and then when i see no evidence of progress i give up. same thing happened when i decided to stick to a consistent exercise routine. i didnt feel any better, i didnt look any different, my health didnt improve, my body didnt even get any stronger my bodys limit on weight and time remained the same from beginning to end, all i felt was tired, sore, and depressed. i felt a little proud of myself for having stuck to it for that long (4-5 months? honetsly an accomplishment for me) but at the first excuse i could find i broke routine and was never able to get back on.

and honestly. same thing happened with that club. i went to almost every QTPOCA community meeting for one semester, but i just! couldnt! make!! friends!! a few people talked to me i think?? one girl named Cassie who i saw once and never again..augustine talked to me and i was really happy about that...they were very friendly and i like talking to them but i dont think our personalities mesh very well for us to be close, we also dont have any real shared interests and i dont think they particularly have fun in my company.

but other than those two people, thats it.... the meetings themselves are very different from what i expected, its absolutely not an environment conducive to my very uuh specific needs.

How did  i make friends before?? i had friends in high school. or at least i thought i did. i guess thats why im not still friends with most of them. i never really went out to movies or to their houses or to get lunch or even had most of their phone numbers, & even those whose # i do have i never really USED them. maybe its cuz i didnt get a phone until high school. maybe its cuz my parents are workaholics AND overprotective and made it too much of a hassle to ask permission to go everwhere. maybe people only rly liked me for school work purposes. maybe im just too obedient and never snuck out. maybe im just too close to my sister and never felt the need for social interaction outside of school because i had her. maybe im just making a whole lot of excuses for what ultimately is an inability to interact with other people. 

& its not like im not good at talking. im pretty quick and uuh quippy ig like i can say some off the wall shit, that just all goes out the window when im talking to strangers. idk. i can make phonecalls now, but only if i script out what im going to say in writing bcause even if i mentally script, by the time the other person picks up the phone my mind just goes blank.

i think its a part of my horrible personality maybe. like maybe i can only be in my element when i feel like i have power. my small high school & my ugly superiority complex made it easier for me to think of myself as better than p much all my peers maybe? but maybe its not that easy to do that in college since EVERYONE here got to college somehow (despite some of them actualy being dumb as fuck)? maybe?? idk if thats the case i gota change that personality quick cuz thats no way to live life. just the way im talking about it now makes it seem like maybe its not that but idk i think in actuality im a lot more egotistical than i come across as. which may or may not be saying something idk self awareness is hard.

probably also got something to do with the fact that i moved to texas away from the rest of my family & my parents work too much to make rfriends ot their own (and neither of my parents are very social people to begin with) so i never had adult social interactions modeled for me in a way that integrates friendships into ones life. thats probably just an excuse tho.

anyways. im really sick of not fitting in anywhere. im sick of not knowing anyone. im sick of being lonely all the time and feeling unlovable . and iv got like 2 friends on the internet that i rly talk to but we all know it aint the same & the MOMENT theyve busy i feel soooo fuckin lonelyyyyy

also FUCK another thing is that i am no ones priority, that shit SUCKS idk if im emotionally built for casual friendships cuz i care about all my friends so fucking much...i dont even gota be a best friend i just gota be ...important to someone lmfao maybe thast too much to ask fori know im just 21 but it rly feels like everyone already has their friends and thats that, and the worst part is that i could have made friends but i wasted all of college uuuh idk doing school or whatever LMFAO ok but other ppl can figure out how to have an active social life while doing decent in school why couldnt i do that...

whatever. if i die alone i die alone , nothin to be done about that. just gota put my best foot forward i guess. maybe learn to settle a little more. put more effort into things that arent worth it because id rather have something rancid than nothing at all.

#IM FRUSTRATED AS FUUUUUCK

[tumblunni]

Umm im sorry i worried everyone!

Long story shory i managed to get past the suicidal moment and managed to talk to a staff member about it, albiet through the indirect awkwardness of sticky notes on the front of my door. Well, it worked! Even if it was quite a while of frantically scribbling and trying to go downstairs and hand it to someone and then giving up and ripping it upnand then trying again. Im almost out of notebook paper now!

So umm i talked to a nice lady who's YET ANOTHER new rotating staff member i never met before. But she said that maybe she can be assigned to me as my main nurse so at least im always talking to the same person each time when we're talking about the whole ptsd and anxiety thats the whole reason im here. And OH GOD THANK YOU she gave me validation that the Constantly Looking Through Your Door Every Hour So You Never Get Any Privacy was a REAL BAD IDEA in a goddamn psych ward! Apparantky its a stupid rule forced upom them by changing NHS standards since stupid brexit and our revolving door of new politicians cutting corners everywhere. It makes sense cos really its a very bigoted/stereotypical view of mental health people faaaaar away from a distance with no consideration to what they actually need to get better. "Oh check on the crazies to make sure they aint dangerous or killed themself when you arent looking", conpletely ignoring how such 24/7 surveillance could cause more suicides than it catches! And seriously let me reiterate how it did NOTHING to catch me when i wanted to kill myself the two times its happened already, its not like there's big visual signs, sometimes its just me sitting in the corner staring straight ahead and thinking things i feel unable to tell the staff members cos i cabt trust them cos of this bullshit. And if i really wanted to do it it would be so easy to just wait in between the checks! Its so dumb! And its so easy to just turn to face the door and say 'yes i'm here' every time they check and they just leave cos thats literally all they do?? Im able to do that in the middle of a damn breakdown! They dont even know if im okay or not, just that i didnt leave the room. And nobody noticed i had a big ol cut on my arm for three days!

So uhh yeah anyway the lady was mega nice and said they actually did anticipate that this rule would start off my paranoia and make me worse as soon as they first read my symptom list. And they said they were able to give me a guarantee of two hours unsupervised to just finally sit down alone and think and cry and get this combined weight of 8 days stress all out. And im allowed to go sit in the corner of the room where they cant see me and put the wardrobe in the way just in case i dont believe them.

So ive been sitting here in my little fort for a while and finally being able to hug my plush toys and just close my eyes and think through all of this shit. And like just.. Just this lady's kindness and knowing that im not being irrational for worrying and that i might have one person i can indeed talk to. It just helped a lot. I had a big stupid think and i think i'm..well im not okay but im not at risk of hurting myself anymore. I feel more optimistic that i'll be able tp endure all this if i know i can sometimes have a moment to just be allowed to be sad about it. And just not be seen. For the first ten minutes i was just all scrunched up repeating 'nobody can see me, nobody's allowed to see me' until i really believed it. Man im so fragile, just living in A House With Several People has already broken me down to that point! I feel proud i was able to build up a bit of a foundation again just by talking to myself and hugging a giant pokemon tho! And dear god all your messages really helped, thank you everyone! I feel a little bad that i wasnt able to draw anything good and post it for the one drawing request, but then i realized if its just to make me feel better im allowed to draw badly. Like how i was scrawling absolute nonsense on my arm with a pen two days ago, just so i wouldnt cut myself. It worked! It looked expectedly like what rabid depression scribbles look like, but it worked! So i probably wont show anyone my bad doodles but thank you for suggesting i do it! And the idea from someone else of just imagining some story prompts for those ocs i thought up shortly before i moved here. That cheered me up just to know people are still interested in that idea! I hope i can feel better enough soon to actually start drawing proper good stuff again so i can give them fittingly adorable designs! But just thinking up ideas in my head for lil offscreen mini stories helps me develop them even when i dont feel up to actually writing or drawing. And then there's the other people who just sent me hopes and prayers and messages of friendship and nice pictures! Oh god you guys are my actual lifeblood! One of the things i thought about while i was just chilling out was how i met all of my friends throughout my life and how they shaped who i became and how im like.. Just a big person shape made of links of friends, and all the ways i want to make them proud, and all the ways they saw worth in me even when i couldnt see it myself. And even thoigh many of them have left me they all helped lead me through so many spiralling paths to meet the others and to accomplish other things and to get to where i am today!

And just generally.. Uhh.. Love you guys a lot, okay.just wanted to let you know that im doing better, in case my mobile credit runs out. I love you so fucking much.

[teengirlsproblems03-blog]

Explosion of negative feelings

Ive been so angry and frustrated with my parents lately and I’ve been feeling down.

Im making my mum and dad upset and im afraid there beginning to be really disapointed me because my grades arn’t good and I’ve been so angry. IVR Bren tired and im sick at the moment and my periods late too. I know they’re are proud of me and all i have accomplished but they’re also disappointed and that makes me sad.

Im just really over it at the moment. Im tired of fighting but all i do is get mad and angry. And i can’t talk it out because im to awkward about it and i don’t like talking about my feelings that are really emtional because how do you even bring it up?

Anxiety has made it hard to stay in class. I can’t stand silent rooms and i just feel like its getting worse. People always look at me weird when i tell them and ask them if i can go outside due to anxiety. Im sick of this anxiety.

I have a wonderful best friend who i cherish so much. She has so much going on lately but she’s so strong. She puts me to shame and she is definitely someone i look up to. I aspire to be like her.

The teacher called me annoying (stop annoying the class) today and for some reason that really hurt my feelings more than ever. I don’t know why but my stomach just sunk. And this boy in my class said to me ‘your telling everyone about it’ (by that he means the exciting news i had to share) and i just felt like this annoying person that people find insufferable. I don’t know why it hurts so much when people call me annoying.

I talked to my friend about people thinking im egotistical. SHe said that in time she realised that i was just proud of myself and excited. But i realised that she thought that i was egotistical at the start and i just felt shitty knowing that people might think that.

Ive also been feeling really ugly this week which is also super fun. Can school just end for fucks sake honestly. How long are they going to drain the happiness out of me. That’s dramatic im fine lol. (I really am im just sad and when im sad im sad about everything thats been negative over the week)

My family is singing with my brother and im sad that i cant enjoy the happiness because im to much of a bitch.

God i just keep on adding and adding to this.

This is just an explosion of feelings that i felt like I couldn’t talk about

It sounds way more dramatic than it is trust me im fine im just emotional right now.

[pikaflute]

38, 42, and 43

38. What was the best moment of the year for you?

oh god. actually feeling happy again. i was so miserable in 2020, nothing really made me happy anymore. as this year went on, more and more i felt...better. i was smiling more and like laughing again :) it was nice. anyway despite all that, the best moment of 2021 was playing that level in psychonauts 2 where its about the senses and jack black is there. made me feel something i have never felt before. maybe everything feel okay. also play psychonauts 2.

42. What are you most proud of accomplishing?

UHHHHHH i dont really know? nickles week was this year and i finished most of that! that was pretty cool. getting into writing more consistently (DONT LOOK AT AO3 I KNOW MY UPDATE SCHEDULE IS ASS), generally becoming a better writer overall. working on my descriptions and dialouge is helping me find my voice more and im glad ive done work on that this year :)

actually fuck that shit, i got a b plus in thermodynamics. that shit was hard as hell and i FUCKING GOT A B LETS GOOOO

43. What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior?

that a) i am angry and b) i am lazy. these traits have effectively ruined me socially. i am trying to compartmentalize this and be better but i cannot get a consistent therapist due to school. life is pain.

also found out that i am now doomed to just have chronic pain. this sucks. i would like a refund on this dumb meat sack.

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

#love exposing myself to people on the internet #hot

[magicalgirlpropaganda]

Things that are hot and sexy (because i do them)

• being unable to cite sources no matter how long you spend on it or how long you try

• getting a boost of motivation to work but on the wrong thing

• actually don't mind doing school work and have a thirst for knowledge but hate failure and not having time to finish assignments

• "wow i can't believe i finished all my assignments for the week! So fast. I have time to study and actually perfect my work and get better grades" *gets more assignments* *cries*

• i can't meet my own high standards

• being so stressed because of mom that i have horrible mood swings and im in a constant state of rage and anxiety

• being relieved when my friends invite me to do things because then i see it as an obligation and im "forced" to go (even though they'd understand if i said no, i see it as an obligation for my own mental wellbeing)

• wanting desperately to help others but struggling to even take care of yourself

• i can do the work, i can handle the workload. But i can't handle the pressure of my mom checking my grades

• i know that I'm smart and i know that I can do it. Ive been working so hard and my work is paying off but i need my mom to trust me

• overeating due to stress and went on an etsy shopping spree. Had to force myself to stop "stress buying" stuff and "stress eating"

• my dumb little passion project went on hiatus because im busy. Which is fine but a bit dissapointing

• i love it here. I don't want to leave. I love the art program. The work is a lot but i love my classes and my friends and my life here. What if one day something horrible happens and i have to leave because its too expensive?

• everything in my life is going good but my mom stresses me out so much that it's no longer going good

• I'm sorry for being incompetent... Even on my medicine. I am much better off than before and i can actually think but. I can't focus and i often miss intructions on assignments unless i write down absolutely everything. Why am i like this?

• my high empathy problems are coming up again because im so emotional.

• i am fine on 6 hours of sleep a night now but i wonder how long that will last. I don't have enough time to sleep for 8 hours every night. And maybe its because i take too many breaks but if i dont take breaks, i can't focus and everything just because thoughts that don't make sense

• im so stressed. Please just let me get my work done. All i ask is to be able to just sit down, relax, get my work done. I want to do so well on the exam later this week that I bump my B to an A or just even a high B.

• at least i enjoy school. High school and before was... Much worse. I don't enjoy spending hours trying to find out how to cite very specific topics and i dislike that one of my professors is a big perfectionist and so i often lose points on assignments (everyone does) no matter how hard i try to make it perfect. And i dislike having to check canvas so often because its difficult to navigate and i swear they try to hide assignments from us. And i hate that i have so much work that some weeks i wonder if i can possibly get it all done. And i hate group projects and i hate writing boring essays. But i love my classes at least. And i want to do well. I will do well. I am going to make all A's if it kills me. I was a B/C student in high school with occasional A's. If i just studied more (i never studied), i could have been one of the best students there, i believe. I didn't study, but I'm glad I didn't because it didn't matter as long as I got ok grades and I passed. I enjoyed my youth (not that im not still young...not that those years weren't the worst). But now i have to make A's or at least high B's because I know i can and I have to prove to my mom that I can do it. Maybe if i get good enough grades, she will back off some. Then I can prove to her that i really don't need her "help".

• this is way too specific of a list

• i want a job. If only i had time for a job. I have a strong work ethic. Im a good little capitalist slave. Please give me mone- i mean. Work. Yeah... Work...

But I dont have time for a job. Im very thankful that i dont need one. But I need to grow up and get a job because it will help me in the future

• speaking of which....a job i applied for months ago just called today... A lite late, buddy. Im 2 hours away now.

• but god... I so want to work there. I hear its a great place to work and the owner is gay (aka, not going to be homophobic to me)

• i wish i had my suitemate/neighbor's life. Like loudly talking on the phone and slamming doors as loud as possible all day long? And she's an RA so she gets paid.

• im calling my mom soon and getting this shit over with. Also i have somewhere to go with friends tonight so we can kidna- i mean recruit ppl for the theatre club. Im no theatre person but i am there for my friend and to make props.

• i can't do it.

• but if i do this, ill be free....

• maybe a quick meditation beforehand. Maybe self hypnosis so i can emotionally numb myself for a few minutes... Idk if im experienced enough to do that yet... But I've been doing it for years so might as well give it a try

• have i really resorted to self hypnosis to deal with the stress of calling my own mother?

• am i really so weak that even though everything is going well, something as simple as my mom calling to check my grades once a week makes me so upset that I cry almost every day about it?

• i know what she is doing is not legal. But what can I do about it?

• my mom thinks that im incompetent as well. That's why she checks my grades. She thinks I can't do it. She didn't even think that I had the ability to live by myself. I proved her wrong there.

• im working so hard partly because of her. So why does me working hard and thus not having time to call make her upset?

• it will all be over by tomorrow.

• perhaps calling her on the phone in a public space would be better. Maybe if she realizes that im not just in my dorm....

Luckily, my mom cares a little too much about social norms. She's used against me this all my life but perhaps it could be beneficial to me.

•thats right. I can just pack my stuff i need for my work. Then ill meditate for a bit and take a tea break. Ill go take everything to a public place with lots of people and call her then.

• i don't want to bring my friends into this, it wouldn't be right. But i wish that they would just sit next to me while I was on the phone. For emotional support at least. But i wouldn't ask them to do that, especially since we haven't known each other long. But i think it would make everything better if i had someone else to back me up

• people must be sick and tired of these posts. Im sorry.

• my mom says she's proud of me, but she doesnt act like it. She used to trust me. When i was 16/17, she would say that its up to me, my responsibility, that I knew what I was doing. Now, im 18. Why does she no longer trust me? I am an adult now. It doesn't make sense. I'm more responsible than I was at that age and im an adult now. It doesn't make sense at all, shouldn't she trust me more?

• i check my own grades religiously. Why is it necessary for her to do so too? What does that accomplish?

• i have an A, 2 almost A's, 2 low B's (but i know i can get the grade up and im studying hard to do so) and one C (it was an assignment that everyone did poorly on and another homework assignment that i did poorly on because I was exhausted). I know a C is bad but it's my drawing class. My favorite class. I do well in there and i think I'm probably one of the better peforming students in there. The C was just a small mistake and since we have more work in there now, getting that grade up will not be difficult. But i feel like all of my hard work just doesn't matter anymore. It will not satisfy her either way. Even if I had all A's, she would probably still be upset that I didn't have high enough A's. One of my professors says that she doesn't give A's on projects because "mistakes happen in art and you have to accept it".

• heavy workload... Im fine doing it but... I can't do it well with the amount of time I'm given. If i just had the weekend as well and not just the rest of the week. If i had just one full day more.

• this weekend will probably be dedicated to next week's work if i can do it early

• i can't call her. It's too stressful.

• im lightheaded just thinking about it

• i have every right to be angry. I have every fucking right to be angry.

• my day should revolve around schoolwork and studying. My weekends should revolve around taking breaks and light workloads. But every moment of every day revolved around my mom instead.

• and to think... If i lived in a place where college wasnt so expensive... Perhaps she would leave me be. Perhaps my grades would be so much better and perhaps I would be happy.

#vent post #rambles #long post #rambling

[amma-af]

mid-life crisis fast approaching lmao.

bruh moesha made 30 seem hella old. im freaking 29, im definitely not old.

do all 30 year olds feel this? is this fucking cliche? is this what being a millenial feels like?

freaking. andell seems like she should be at least 45 shes had a business forever, she looks oldish, hella independent with ehr own moneey, yeah she keeps getting played by her lover but the d is probably great and she doesn’t need “love” bc she’s not dependent on it for basic necessities. but she needs love so she has hope. she’s woke but understanding when someone who doesn’t understand yet. she supports the kids but says it like it is. i can def see some bits of myself in her but bruh, at least 35? bc im 29 and 1 im not as independent, and 2, im def not as old.

but i also kind of get how shes a 30 year old but do 30 year olds get the respect of older people? does andell get respect from older people? idk man tv makes teens look like 20-something and 30 eyar olds look like my mom. dee hangs with andell, she’s def not 30. but then again we hang with older people, no?

are 30 year olds friends-ish with teens and like older folks all at once a millenial thing? i mean i def have older friends bc of work, and hang with my siblings who are a generation older and as a teacher i talk to kids who are teens but i wouldn’t be friends with them? unless you consider my nieces and nephews, and some much younger coworkers.

but if im “superior” to them in some way im basically a mentor and ugh. maybe andell is 30.

that same moesha episode has gotten me thinking about highschool. and what a fucking shitfest it was. i mean, why the hell was i so pressed instead of just being a fucking kid? like, i def ended up where i wanted to and realized it sucked even more (college), esp the way i did it initially, but once i got over the fucking ivory tower and american dream bc i reallized it was never made to include me to a certain extent (the whole identity crisis over foreclosure of identity from the every day--being unwanted by the same thing interpellating its allegiance to you, how all that crap felt of being a --insert almost every pressed identity grouping here-- at a fucking --insert ever agrandized fucking included, repressive identity force here--insitution. high school wasn’t bougie enough i think. like everyone was like closer to the ground class wise so maybe it didnt feel like a big enough ocean yet. a friend told me post highschool or maybe at graduation that im going to be the big fish in the little pond trying to swim in the ocean or some quote like that. fucking i was, if not socially which i honestly didnt even try and fucking got ostracized from anyway, def on top academically and fucking TEACHERS were trying to push me down but like i still got to exactly where i wanted to go. and i fucking had a wonderful time there. got kicked out but became a whole ass human being who found so many homes with people and so many loving arms and caring friends and fucking insane moments and memories and fucking became who i am today--a fucking cool as andell like adult with a full and complete social life if not financial or career life like im ok dude. ive accomplished enough even if capitalist might make me feel like i havent accomplished anything. much like the racist ass teachers made me feel and the racist ass kids made me feel about being smart in a fucking shitfest and where the other brown kids were just in competition with me. i had no friends. i lie, i had a few. and i had the respect of a few. and i guess that makes like maybe a dozen people--hold on let me count, i think 9 people, that im cool with from high school, 3 who are close to me, 1 who fucking hates me post-college life and would try to talk shit or ruin me maybe but i miss her and we were fucking close at some point. and then a bunch of people who probably dont give a shit no longer bc we’re all adults who need to move on with our lives. i hope theyre not petty and hate me just bc of high school.

i wonder if any respect me now lol. aside from those i know, do any of them like feel bad kind of for not being a better person to me? maybe i was a bitch too though. but thats only bc i was lowkey power hungry and just wanted to get into fucking the college of my dreams and had been fed that academic success led to fianncial success and overall joy de vivre  or however oyu fucking spell it.

id still be down to be friends with whoever wants but dont have the time or energy to deal with the pettiness. i think this year was supposed to be our 10 yr reunion and idk if theyll do it bc of covid or not but fucking would i even wanna go? im still so traumatized from it idk if id wanna be judged that hard again.

fucking, i wish i was chiller back then. had realized i could be creative and look good and be more confident if i wanted to. but i guess i wouldnt be who i am had that shit not happened but i also suffer from extreme anxiety adn depression now so like maybe, people could ease up on the judgement and hatred and constant barriers and shit talking and like, lowkey bullying down a notch. these white and white washed brown kids had me fucked up.

i wish i had just like, been able to chill and be accepted a little more. but i wish the people who were chill with me couldve been more  comfortable or confident in being who they were. 

i remember ending freshman year, confident that i would have friends at the end of high school sitting between the coolest and queerest two people i could imagine showing off my hot pink ipod 3G or whatever. and then hanging out in the city with a few people on the last day. i dont even remember what we did. maybe olive garden in times square? it was def times square. the big toys r us in the city with the dance dance revolution. who the fuck were the people with us? was that even freshman year or is that a memory from some other time? i dotn fucking remember much of the good times in high school anymore. more shitty times.

but fucking, if people had been loyal would i have been a diff person? def s j and j and then later n but w during the first year and d all hugn out with me in college. and made freshman year bareable and some sitll continue to make life bareable and for me to feel loved in this day adn age adn i know the freindshipsare genuine now but i wonder if id have more people from high school as my friends just bc i fucking get attached to people bc of the whole empathy thing and like we knew eachother for good chunks of our lives, we should keep up with eachother and make sure we’re ok. but also like, did we even show care back then?

i wish id lived the teen life a little more though. like my husband did. like so many of my more normal than me feeling friends did but i wonder how many of my college friends actually liked their high school years lmao.

fucking. whatever. i probably wouldnt go to the reunion if it happened tho, fucking miss me with that shit.

andell is cool. she didnt get mad at moesha for missing her party since hs ehad a great time on her birthday thanks to her, and instead was proud that she put out a good newspaper. im def like, maybe if aliha missed my party id be happy and proud of her for her acocmplioshed but id still be pouty adn idk if that makes me much younger tahn andell or if thats just the whiny cancer gemini in me.

omg we need andells chart to udnerstand if she’s actually 30 lmao and just mature for her own age or if that show is trippig about depicting her as 30 bc shes def oldr. wonder how old the actress was.

thats an easy google fix but im just gonna keep watching and pondering lmao.

man there were some teachers at that fucking school who did not wanna see me succeed in life. and to have your advisor be that teacher really fucks with you. what a fucking bitch i think she hated me. the other people im friends with loved her tho but i think she was really just a racist. she pushed me hard but made things harder for me for no reason. thank god i got out of there in one piece, and with some confidence left in me. 

i need to go to therapy again fuck. 

[shvdxs]

CUCUMBER LEMONADE

First things first, did you have a good year?

its april but this years pretty much over so no but yes

How old did you turn this year?

22

Do you feel your age?

nah i still feel 17 sometimes

Did your appearance change in anyway?

i fluctuate a lot in weight and muscle bc i dont know what i look like so year

Post your favorite selfie.

im lazy

If you traveled, where did you go?

in 2020 ive only been in wisco, illinois, indiana, and michigan

Which fashion trends did you love?

grunge, almost naked, crop tops, etc.

Which fashion trends did you hate?

fucking overalls are yall dumb???? BLUE JEANS? cmon

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible?

i wont but i be flexin on those tops that cross across your chest and stomach yall know the ones

What song sums up this year for you?

normal girl by sza even though i destroyed that album back in 2017

What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then?

easily adore you by harry but that was 2019

What was your favorite movie of the year?

i saw ladybird on my birthday in march for the first time and i’d like to express if any of yall have mom issue this is the one. 10000/10

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year?

yeah matt champion a snack

Favorite new TV show?

i still hate tv shows but my parents and i be vibin to SVU

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears?

i dont even care about that shit anymore ngl

What food did you try for the first time?

food in general

Did you make any big permanent changes this year?

a lot

What was one nice thing you did for someone else?

too many

What was one nice thing you did for yourself?

turned all my notifications off! don’t care to look at my phone; made a lot of new friends instead of being introverted, but rona messed all that up

Did you develop a new obsession?

not develop but i brought back my love for running, animal crossing, etc.

Did you vote? 

ye

Did you move?

not from my apartment yet

Did you get a job?

cant yet!

Did you get a pet?

nooo

Do you regret not doing anything?

a lot

Do you regret doing something?

A LOT

Have you done anything that scared you?

a lot actually, i think i let go of a lot of fears this year although i developed a lot of new ones at the same time

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?

its still fermenting inside me and its been months

Did you lose anyone close to you?

ye

Did you fall in love?

no

Did you fall out of love?

def

Did you start a new relationship?

not in 2020

Did you go through a break up?

2019

Did you have to cut ties to someone?

i should

Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year?

people i should’ve made important the whole time but was fucking stupid 

Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it?

please i am so tired of crying every single night for no god damn fucking reason

What was the best moment of the year for you?

lmao

What was the worst?

lmao

Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t?

no

Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did?

yes

What are you most proud of accomplishing?

internship, straight A’s, all my work raises, graduating, i just really hope corona doesn’t fuck up my job

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior?

that i am better off alone, i give too much, people really do lie, social media is trash, phones aren’t important, music is everything, mental health does physically affect you more than you think, being active & healthy eating and sleep doesnt solve your problems, the ones that don’t try to change you are actually your best friends, there’s no reason to rush things, love your closest friends and family

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better?

yes

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse?

id say yes but no

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year?

i didn’t make any

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

keep your opinions and personality

If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do?  Who would you go this?

i wish danielle and i could go to canada still

What do you wish for others for the coming year?

2020 is still happening so i hope corona doesn’t ruin the rest of it

What do you wish for yourself?

health, happiness, full recovery, and success

#alexandraiscool