#but was too ashamed to tell my mom I’d read it

[justhereforfandomandfriends]

I think I would be a lot less fucked up if I had read less as a child

#genuinely #I was a voracious reader and my one rebellion as a child was reading books that I wasn’t supposed to #and because my parents are kind and good people and their kindness sheltered me from some of the harm of 90s evangelical fundamentalism #but I read Debi Pearl at like 13 #and decided I would NEVER get married because submitting to men seemed like a BAD idea #but was too ashamed to tell my mom I’d read it #turns out she thought the book was pretty shitty #and ‘Michael Pearl doesn’t seem like a very nice man or a good husband’ #which is my mom’s kind way of spotting an absolute abusive peace of shit man #it’s interesting to learn about the harm the Pearls caused on a larger scale #bc they genuinely genuinely ducked my brain up #I wouldn’t be as radical as I am if their vision for the world hadn’t terrified and traumatized me #ex evangelical #ex fundie #cw religious trauma #cw religious themes #religious trauma

[cupids-scream-queen]

A Little Murderess °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･❀*

❀ female!murderer!reader x poly!ghostface ❀

Part 5 // 2.8k words

-> Part 4

Warnings: stalking, breaking and entering, p in v, actual sex (woo), choking, slight daddy kink, cheating, idk there's SEX in the SLASHER fic it's not gonna be vanilla 😭💀

A/N: No threesomes yet guys, sorry 😔

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･❀*ੈ✩‧₊˚⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

Summary: You've just moved to a new town after the death of your little brother and stepfather with your mother. You're not ashamed of what you do to cope with the deaths; especially when you make two new friends who you might have more in common with than you thought...

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･❀*ੈ✩‧₊˚⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

“Y/N,” Sidney hissed, tapping her pencil on the desk lightly. “Whatcha doing this weekend?”

“Not much,” You whispered back, looking up from your paper. It was Mrs. Tate’s day off, which meant worksheets upon worksheets and you were getting increasingly bored from it. Sidney was too; she was bugging you nearly the entire time, asking you various questions or pestering you about your weekend plans. You almost wanted her dead. Almost.

“Do you want to sleepover at Tatum’s with me?” She asked, and you shrugged.

“I’d have to ask my mother,” You replied, knowing that you’d just tell her your mother said no. You weren’t really in the mood for Tom Cruise this weekend—you were more interested in something more sinister. That Sidney and Tatum most definitely weren’t going to want any part of.

“Damn, any chance she’d say yes?” Sidney looked at you, almost pleading with her eyes for you to say anything that would convince her that you’d make it. You weren’t sure why she was so clingy, especially to you, of all people—she should be running away from you, not towards you.

“I’m not sure,” You tapped your pencil against your face, watching the substitute teacher read a book about Sherlock. “It depends on her mood.”

“When doesn’t it depend on her mood?” Sidney joked, and you shrugged. It was something that wasn’t quite the truth, but also wasn’t a lie—your mother was relatively passive about your whereabouts in general, but sleepovers were another game entirely: she preferred to keep you at home overnight.

“I honestly can’t answer that,” You admitted, and she looked sympathetically towards you.

“You’ve got a lot in common with Billy,” she mused, and you took a note of that—a piece of information about Billy that you could use against him should he betray you. You hadn’t really gathered anything on Stu; he was more of an open-book, and you could assume what he didn’t want people to know about he simply didn’t talk about. He had money to pay people to forget.

“What?”

“I shouldn’t have said anything, but he’s got it real bad at home. Mom left him and stuff, dad’s a bit of an alcoholic,” Sidney said, and you almost had to strain to hear her voice. You took a mental note of this, though—Mr. Loomis might be key information for blackmail against Billy, should he try anything with you. You were more afraid of Billy than Stu—Billy was quieter, and seemed to ponder over things more than Stu ever did. Billy thought meticulously, Stu acted impulsively. Together, you couldn’t quite imagine what they were capable of.

“My mom’s an alcoholic, but she’s not that bad,” You told her, and you could see her almost loosen her borders around you. Good. She’s trusting you, that’s something you could use to your advantage later.

“Good lord, that sounds awful,” Sidney’s sympathetic nature was something that you were going to try to capitalize on. You didn’t want to kill her, but simply use her. She was a useful alibi, stupid and naive. Trusting people. People like you, who shouldn’t be trusted.

“It’s not that bad once you get used to it,” You tell her, and you could tell she was wondering if she should ask you something. “Why?”

“Maybe you could talk to Billy about it,” She said quietly. “Tell him how to cope. I think it makes him upset, even if he doesn’t let people know.” There it was. Bingo. Permission to hang out with her boyfriend without her, even though you’d do it anyways, you felt like it’d cause less issues if she told you that you could.

“Maybe. I’m not sure if he likes me, he’s kind of quiet around me,” You tell her, and you could practically see the gears in her head turning.

“You could probably give him a call, I’m sure he wouldn’t care. Or you could stop by Stu’s house, he’s usually there,” Sidney told you, and you nodded your head.

“I can try to help him, sure,” You could see the grateful smile she gave you, and you could see that something with Billy’s behavior put a strain on their relationship—which you weren’t even sure was real on Billy’s end. You saw the way he looked at other girls, in ways that he didn’t look at Sidney with, and you knew that he wasn’t thinking of her at night, he had someone else in his thoughts. Be it Stu or somebody else entirely, you knew that Sidney was not the one he had in his heart. If he even had one.

“That’d be great,” Sidney’s hope and trust were placed in you, officially. She was going to trust you, and you wanted to learn everything about Billy through her. The only other person you’d need now on your side was Tatum, but you figured if you went to the sleepover, they’d have to talk about boys eventually. That’s how sleepovers work, right?

“Maybe I will go to Tatum’s,” You mused, and Sidney had an excited gleam to her eye that you hadn’t really seen before.

•❃°•°❀°•°❃•

Ever since you figured out the identity of Ghostface, Billy and Stu hadn’t tried calling you again. You were kind of sad about it—the phone calls were fun, but you guessed they figured out someone else they’d try to murder. You sat on the edge of your bed, and decided to dial the phone number for Billy Loomis, killer extraordinaire. Before you could entirely dial the number, you heard a knock at your window. And then popped the head of Billy Loomis, on a ladder, straight out of a scene from Heathers.

“What in the name of JD—”

“Thought you were schemin’,” Billy said, grinning wildly. “Figured I could help you.”

“Where’s Stu?” You asked, bemused at the fact that Billy’s conjoined twin was missing.

“At home, his folks are home for once,” Billy didn’t look sympathetic for his friend at all, which you chalked up to him being a fucking weirdo. “I came here out of boredom.”

“Not out of admiration for your Knife Girl?” You joked, and you could see a glint in Billy’s eye that you hadn’t seen before.

“Maybe it was out of admiration,” He said, going through your window. He walked closer to you, and you could smell the desperation.

“Oh? And why would you admire the Knife Girl?” He smiled at your question, and got closer. You could see every pore in his face.

“Because you’ll let me do this,” He said, and pressed his lips against yours. You didn’t move at first, your body was stiff as a board. But Billy put his arms on your shoulders, grounding you to reality, allowing you to realize that this was happening, and nearly unprompted. “And you’ll like it.”

You couldn’t respond with words, just with actions. You knew Billy was attractive—and maybe a part of you even found him attractive, but you weren’t going to do anything about it. And maybe he was using you, but you’d use him back, and his body pressed up against yours made you really think of that. You began to melt into the kiss, and Billy moved his hands to your hair, forcing you closer. You could feel the tip of his tongue dance on your lips, and his other arm beginning his way up your shirt, tenderly asking permission.

“What about—”

“Shh, don’t say her name,” Billy said on your lips, and you obliged. You didn’t want to think of her, this was your moment. And Billy was seemingly enjoying it as much as you were. He held you against him, breaking the kiss. You could hear his heartbeat in his chest, and it was practically reaching out to touch you.

“You do this. You make my heart like this. Why?” Billy asked, and he suddenly ripped you from his chest. “Why?” His grip was tight, and you didn’t know what to say. “I—I don’t feel like this. Nobody but you and St—” He grew silent, and you reached out and touched his cheek.

“It’s alright, Billy. You’re fine. You’re human.”

“Am I? Are you?” You didn’t have the answers. You were certain of you being human, despite what you’ve done. And Billy, well, he was human—he was lustful. Prideful. Everything a human was and could be. “What am I even doing here?” He hung his head in shame, and you had no words of comfort.

“I’m not sure, but you’re here for a reason, aren’t you?” You watched as confusion, anger, hatred, embarrassment, everything cross over his face in the span of seconds. He wasn’t making an attempt to hide his emotions, and you were grateful for that.

“Maybe, I don’t know—I came here on an impulse,” He held you, gently. You weren’t sure of what was happening, your head fuzzy and confused. You weren’t thinking clearly, and neither was Billy—something alien to both of you.

“Are you lying to distract me?” You said quietly, and Billy looked at you with puppy dog eyes. You were afraid of what he’d do, but then he crashed his lips into yours.

“Does this feel like I’m lying?” Billy asked, pressing you against your bed, his figure on top of you. He moved your hands above your head, holding them down with one of his hands. He used the other one to hold your face still as he kissed you roughly, his body grinding against yours in a way that you hadn’t felt before. He moved down to your neck, kissing the exposed skin and sucking lightly. He playfully bit you, and you moaned, the sound driving him to continue to bite and suck his way down to your collarbone.

“Can I take this off?” The question made you pause, before you nodded your head. He pulled your shirt off, tugging at the fabric impatiently. He took your bra off in one sweeping motion, leaving you to ponder if he’d done this before, before he expertly took your nipple in his mouth, biting and sucking at the sensitive bud. He then moved his way back up to your mouth, a clash of tongues became the next move, him releasing your hands and burying his arms around you, holding you close to him. You moved, your hands wrapped around his.

“Is it alright if I…” He asked, and you nodded. You wanted him. And he clearly wanted you.

“I’m on birth control,” You whispered, and the glint in his eye let you know that he wouldn’t have cared either way. You giggled as he struggled to take off his shirt, his hips clashing against yours, his skin against yours. He hushed you, playfully wrapping his hand around your throat; a warning.

“You’re gonna be good,” He said, and then started to nip at your neck. “And I’m going to enjoy fucking you, aren’t I?”

“Yes, Billy—”

“Daddy. Call me Daddy.”

“Daddy. Yes Daddy,” You said, your breath hitching. Billy started moving his hands lower down your body, and you could feel his fingers tease your panties. “Oh god, please.”

He laughed, and obliged to your request, his cool hand slipping into your panties. You could feel him circle your clit, his hand large and rough.

“You’re so wet…” You shuddered, and he laughed, staring you directly in your eyes. “I’m going to make you forget about everything.” He put one finger in you, and without warning, he added another. He was furiously fingering you, pleasuring your clit with his thumb. You didn’t have any time or warning before he did this, and he ducked his head to suck on your tit. You moaned, your thighs clenching around his hand, your hands finding their way to his hair, pulling softly.

“Keep quiet and I’ll reward you,” Billy drawled, and you quietly tried to not make any noise, as he was furiously trying to leave hickies on you, in places only he’d see. “You’re gonna be a good little murderess for me, aren’t you?"

You said nothing, your body being stimulated by Billy’s fingers. How your body craved his; how he recipricated everything you felt tenfold. Billy took his fingers out of you, and you whined at the loss. You gyrated your hips against his, and to your dismay, he held them down, preventing you from moving against him.

“Look at me, doll,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. “I want you to look at me.” You did as you were told, and your breath hitched as you felt the head of Billy’s cock against your folds. “I want you to remember this, babe.” You nodded, your body responding to every touch like you were lit on fire. Billy’s warmth engulfed you, it was everything that you could think about.

Billy kissed you as he slipped himself fully in, and you felt your eyes prick with tears at the sudden intrusion. You tried to get used to the discomfort of his cock, stretching and prodding places you hadn’t even explored yourself. Reaching into every part of you, taking you as his.

“You…you feel so good,” You said breathlessly, your hands tangled in Billy’s hair, his thrusts becoming more and more bearable as you got used to his size.

“You’re so tight, but so wet for me,” He growled, and you nodded. Just for him. Only for him. He was pleased with your body, it was a work of art to him. He started to thrust faster, his rhythm rougher and less capable of placing. His pattern was losing control. He slipped a hand on your clit, and started playing with the slick on it. His mouth was slightly agape as he watched you, enjoying the look of pure pleasure that came across your features.

You felt yourself coming closer, but you weren’t sure if he’d let you come. You needed to, the tension burning up in your lower abdomen. You could feel the warmth starting to take over your body, your head nothing but an empty void devoid of thought; the only thing on your mind was the pleasure Billy was giving you.

“You’re close, aren’t you, love? Your pussy is practically squeezing the cum out of me,” Billy said, his tongue slightly out of his mouth as he concentrated. “I want you to cum after I do, understand?” You nodded, anticipating his release into you.

You wouldn’t have to wait long. He started going faster, his cock practically digging itself deeper and deeper within you. He moaned, his body pressing up against yours as he came, his hot seed spilling everywhere, filling you up. You came only seconds after, your pussy clenching down on his dick, milking him of every last drop. You needed more of him. All of him.

He grinned, and you smiled back, your eyes clouded over, your face nothing but pleasure, and he felt satisfied knowing he did that to you, knowing that you’d think of Ghostface and think of the Best Fuck of your Life.

“Billy?” You asked, and he smiled at you, almost begging you to tell him what he wanted to hear. But you didn’t tell him what you wanted to hear. “We should…we should clean up.”

•❃°•°❀°•°❃•

After thirty minutes of taking time to collect yourselves (and your clothing), you and Billy arrived at a pretty stable plan, all that was needed was Stu.

“He’ll be available to talk probably tomorrow, his folks don’t stay in touch much,” Billy explained, circling the address. “I guess if we do everything right…we should be able to knock Sidney and Tatum off in one go, and have you as the sole survivor of a vicious attack. Pretty grim, ain’t it?”

“I guess. Who’s going to call, who’s going to kill?”

“I’ll call, Stu’ll kill Tatum. Then Stu’s gonna call, and I kill Sid. You’ll just be battered and confused, you could say you went to grab a film or some shit.”

“Not a bad alibi, but what if we’re questioned why we didn’t go together?” You mused, and Billy paused for a moment.

“Tatum and Sid were scared because of the attacks, and you volunteered to go,” He finally said. “And since you’re new, you would’ve barely heard of any of the attacks, so it’d make sense why you went.”

“Works for me, I guess. What do I get out of this?”

“The enjoyment of killing? I dunno, you’re the one who asked to be included on this.” Billy started gathering his things, glancing at the time. “I gotta go, my dad’s gonna kill me if he finds me out past curfew.”

“The Billy Loomis has a curfew?” You raised your eyebrow, tauntingly. He hushed you, and started to inch his way towards your window where his ladder was.

“Yes, I do, doll,” He said, kissing you on the lips. “I’ll call you tonight, yeah?”

“Sure. Will it be you or Ghostface?”

“You’ll find out.”

Enjoy my writing? Please like, reblog, or follow me! The support is super encouraging, especially since I'm going to make this a longer fic and post nearly daily 💕

-> Part 6

♡ Want tagged every time I upload? Just send me an ask 💕💕

Tags:

@citrusbunnies

#billy loomis x reader #ghostface #ghostface x y/n #billy loomis #ghostface x reader #scream #stu macher #stu matcher x reader #stu matcher x you #slasher community #slasher fucker #slasher smut

[jqhotchner]

stars

fourteen

Meet YN Rihanna Fenty-Hotchner

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, Rihanna has been a name we’ve all heard and seen everywhere!

The thirty-five year old musician has made many of us swoon over her music, iconic fashion moments, and many many more. Now the RnB artist is venturing out to be an Entrepreneur, Wife, and Mother.

“I’ve enjoyed the music and I still enjoy writing! I just think it was time to dip my toe into the fashion world more!” Rihanna States.

Over the years she’s been through many struggles and heartbreak. Rihanna rumored to date stars like Asap Rocky, Drake, even Ashton Kutcher. But she’s found love outside of the music industry.

Rihanna and her now husband [Aaron Hotchner] have been dating in private for three years before the star announced her relationship with him nearly a year ago.

“I just thought it was time,” Umbrella star starts. “Aaron and I were in bed and I mentioned to him I was ready to let the world know about our tiny little family. He supported whatever decision I decided to make. With that I slowly introduced my husband and son to the world.

Rihanna talks more about her past relationship and her current one.

“I never actually confirmed anything to the public because it never came up with former partners. If it did, they didn’t want to tell the world we were dating. It felt like they’d be ashamed of me.” She states.

“Not gonna lie, it brought so many insecurities into my mind. Whenever Aaron and I started dating, he picked up those pieces pretty quickly. I knew he was different from that moment.”

Rihanna explains to us how she met her lovely husband.

“It was so unbelievably crazy, actually! Him and his team had just finished a case and they’d been out celebrating. It was before I made it big. Some guy was flirting and he saw I was uncomfortable and came to the rescue. Since then, I’d never looked back.”

“I think the main difference between the relationships I have with Aaron versus the relationship i had with others is his ability to read me and have patience with me. Others didn’t have that in the past. Instead they treated me like I should be lucky dating them. They made me feel like given me a chance was a privilege. Aaron’s never made me feel like he was special and he was too good for me. If anything he’s shown me we’re good for each other. And that’s why it was so easy to fall for him!”

Rihanna explains her shift in the world now being a married woman and a mom.

“I use to see the world in black and white. We have the good and the bad, bad always outweighs the good, but my husband and son have taught me that I have to look at what’s right in front of me. With my husband being out there, catching the creeps and evil men and women out there, putting them away, once less bad guy is out there. It’s always gonna be someone dangerous, but in the end one less evil roaming the streets is still worth seeing the beauty in the world.”

Rihanna talks about her new identity in the industry. “I’m still Rihanna Fenty, that will never change! But now I think I’m ready for the world to see Yn Hotchner! Wife, Mother, and Philosopher! I want the world to see who Yn is. Not just Ri.” She explains.

“Being pregnant has really opened my eyes to so many possibilities of who I can be, honestly. I have learned so much about my body and my ability as a woman! I’m still young and can have fun, but being a mom and being pregnant, it’s really brought a new light to my eyes.”

We asked her about how big she’s prepared to grow her family.

“Aaron and I want a littler of kids! My husband is a bit older than me, but he’s always planned on slowing down, having multiple little babies out there. I’ve always wanted to have a big family of my own. I’m the only child, so having lots of babies been in my deck of cards for the longest time.

We asked Rihanna [Yn] what she expects in her new career choice.

“I’m almost done with a few skin care treatments for Fenty Beauty! We’re also launching Savage x Fenty, which I believe the fans will love! And with my pregnancy and being a mom, this launch will be for all! I hope the world is ready for what’s in store for the Fenty take over.

#jqhotchner #jqhotchner masterlist #aaron hotchner x fem!reader #aaron hotchner x black!reader #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotch fic #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotch fanfiction #aaron hotch imagine #stars jqhotchner #aaron hotchner x female reader

[aroaceconfessions]

It took me 38 years to realise I’m acearo. I never realised when you crushed on a movie star, it meant you’d want to have sex with them. So I’d have ‘crushes’ on actors and basically was a huge fan but I never felt desire for them. I didn’t know that was a part of it.

I knew I was supposed to date and, in college, a very handsome boy whom I would have loved in a book (British, green eyes, black hair) pursued me. So I agreed to go out. He constantly wanted to make out and get hand jobs, and I did it because I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do. I was equally bored and revolted. I started to dread seeing him. He finally broke up with me and we’re still really good friends.

He tried to get me off once and couldn’t. To this day (I’m 41) I’ve never had sex or masturbated or orgasmed. I feel ashamed about this. Like I’m not normal.

I write fiction (original and fanfic) and read voraciously. I love to read and write about romantic (and platonic) relationships and I do sometimes write and read non-graphic smut. People think it’s based on my real life experiences and I’m too embarrassed to say I’ve never had any except what I mentioned above.

I’m touch repulsed quite often, even with my family. I feel like I’m being strangled. But I love to cuddle with my teddy bear. I’m not sex repulsed in reading but I can’t watch graphic sex in media.

I did come out to my family and they really don’t understand. My dad keeps asking how and why I don’t feel sexual attraction. My mom cries that I’ll die alone. My brother, whom I believe is acearo as well, just changed the subject.

I have very serious mental and physical health problems and my parents are convinced that my orientation is due to some very traumatic events I survived and will somehow change with therapy. I’ve been in therapy for 34 years. It was a therapist at age 32 who first suggested it to me.

Yet, I still feel I’m not really acearo because while I don’t feel attraction, I also only like consuming heterosexual romance. And also that I consume and create heterosexual sex and romance. But then the idea that people are getting off on my writing disgusts me though I’ve never said that aloud before.

I feel like I have to pass a test but I also don’t like labels. I don’t feel the need to tell everyone or wear a pin or go to Pride. I’m just me.

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #aspec #aro #ace #arospec #acespec #arose #dating #relationships #amatonormativity #coming out #acephobia #aphobia #arophobia #internalized aphobia #internalized acephobia #acearo

[t-nd-rfoot]

anna! so happy for you finishing up work, hope you can get some nice relaxing in!

i’d love to see what you can do with 🐈‍⬛ and bobby OR 👩🏻‍💻 and phoenix!!<3

Ahhh thank you so much, Ashley! And yes I’ve really had so much time to relax, writing and watching so many movies 💗

Storyteller // Writing with Natasha Headcanons

A picture is worth a thousand words, and Natasha never runs out of any

Pairing Natasha Trace x reader

Theme fluff

Word Count 493

Note Just realizing this is my first time writing for a female character! Also, forgive me if this sounds like it’s all over the place! I was writing these as I was getting ready for my Christmas eve dinner so I didn’t get to spend as much time writing and editing it 😭 but I hope you still enjoy it though!

Aside from the required communication on missions and training, Natasha is one of the pilots that prefers to let her flying do the talking for her

But when she’s on the ground, boy, does she have a way with words

Natasha loves to write

It’s not something she really broadcasts to anyone, but she’s not ashamed of it either

She’s just the type of person who reserves her words for those she wants to share it with

As a child, she always loved reading

From the stories her mom would read to her before bedtime like Stellaluna and Dr. Seuss book

To the chapter books she’d borrow from the library like the Harry Potter and Goosebumps series

So when she got a good comment from her teacher on a story-writing assignment in school, she kept at it as a hobby

She could write anything under the sun, from poetry and short stories to academic papers and articles (she was on her school paper during her junior and senior years)

But she never saw it as a career since she liked the freedom of writing whatever, whenever, and wherever she liked

Once she entered the navy, she kept up her hobby through her private diary entries and the emails she would send to you

Of course, she emailed her family too, mostly telling them she was safe, and some stories she felt were appropriate to share with them

Like the nice cafes she and Bob ate at during their lunch break and how she promises to take them there when they visit

Or the high praise she received from her superiors about her performance from their latest mission

But the emails she sends you are much more colorful

She knows how much you love her storytelling, how she spares no detail and makes it feel like you were right there with her as it happened

Paragraphs on paragraphs of Hangman and Rooster’s latest argument

And Coyote’s Gordon Ramsay-level critique on his latest pastry find

And her girl’s night with Halo, Penny, and Amelia at the Benjamin household

She’ll save some of the more serious stories for when you guys get to call because she doesn’t like you rereading and dwelling on the negative stories (which are also the ones harder for her to write)

In exchange, you email her back everything that’s been happening at home, and these easily become the highlights of her day

When she gets back home, you spot her (sort of) casually greet her fellow aviators goodbye but on the drive back home with you, she’s bursting with energy, never running out of things to share

And before going to bed, you both swap journals—filled from cover to cover with reflections, poems, and real and imagined stories from your time apart—with the pages you want each other to read already doggy-eared

(It was something you learned how to do for her during your first time apart)

When you’re both done reading it, you tuck away the journals on your shared bookshelf that’s reserved for all the notebooks both of you collected and filled in through the years

It warms her heart knowing the two of you share enough stories for a lifetime, and that your life together is definitely one for the books

#top gun maverick #top gun maverick fanfiction #tgm fic #natasha phoenix trace #phoenix trace #phoenix top gun #phoenix fanfiction #phoenix x reader #phoenix imagine #phoenix fic #natasha trace fanfiction #natasha trace imagine #natasha trace x reader #natasha trace fic

[fallingsunflower]

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz/harry-styles-sex-confessions-4-28007809?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=star_main&fbclid=IwAR1j1fBT9G1xsvujRjvqMEzej91Cx5Cd4YO5sUuFHCd8amNwLLu4LlgCAX8

Mod is any of this true because if so then so disgusting he even said he constantly wore protection incase he got girls pregnant

It really disturbs me that this is the content people are writing and clicking on. This isn’t directed at you, anon, but just generally.

A lot of you weren’t around for the 1D sexualization of Harry. It wasn’t pretty. He was finally starting to come out of it and then history repeated itself all over plus some. I think part of Harry talking about sex is to regain some control over it since many people are obsessed with the conversation.

That source you linked is pure garbage. It’s entirely taken out of context to promote Harry’s “raunchy” lifestyle because people eat it up. I’ll break it down for you.

Harry admitted he feels ashamed of sex - well no shit. This was a quote from a recent article is Better Homes and Gardens. I’d feel ashamed too if people were constantly speculated who I had sex with and how many people. Again, I think him talking about it is to regain control over the subject.

Wearing condoms - I’m not sure you read this correctly or if there was misinterpretation. He spoke about how he was scared he got the girl pregnant the first time he had sex, which is a natural fear. And he said it’s too much of a risk to not wear a condom because if you’re not ready for a kid, don’t take that risk. I think that’s a rather responsible thing to say. Not sure why you’re insinuating condoms are a bad thing. Condoms are good.

Getting in bed with his friends mom - Taken out of context. I’m not quite sure where the original source is but seems like it was a teenager dare spun into something sexual. Here. And I won’t even get into the topic of older women.

“Gay sex and sexuality” - This whole segment is entirely fetishized. Talking about sexuality doesn’t automatically equal talking about the physical act of sex. And then they pull a quote of Harry talking about sexuality and gay sex from My Policeman as if that makes it better.

Pulling 3-4 girls a night - probably my favorite segment. First, when you read an article they often either 1) lie 2) embellish. Niall’s “quote” either fell into one of those two categories or was completely sarcastic/a joke. They were 19/20 at the time.

Also take a look at the time stamp. I googled the quote where Niall supposedly says Harry’s pulling 3-4 girls a night. There’s also a mysterious and totally real other source who backs it up. The original date for that quote came from around March 18, 2013. But people seem to forget Harry, a 19 year old, was grilled by an adult interviewer into telling her how many people he’s slept with. She guessed over a 100. Do you know the actual number? 2. And that’s timestamped AFTER the Niall “quote” on August 1, 2013.

•

Long story short don’t believe everything you read especially from those trash websites. They’ve been trying to make Harry this sex crazed womanizer gay fetishizer for quite some time now

[purgatorihorror]

TRIGGER WARNING...... mention of SELF-HARM .

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I don’t really know where to begin writing this. I wanted to make a video, but it would be far too long, so if you’re here reading this blog post thank you.

I will start out by saying thank you SO much to everyone for the well wishes, and for having my back that night. After a few days I felt very ashamed of myself for wanting to end my own life over something so stupid. After going to the hospital and getting help, I don’t feel ashamed, but I feel sad. I feel sad that with everything I went through last year with thinking I was going to die from pancreatitis that I forgot how lucky I was to be here. I feel sad that I hurt a lot of people in the community who care about me for even attempting or even having it cross my mind. It turns out this goes beyond just being upset at myself for thinking that I hurt someone when they accused me of copying their YouTube content, but working with my doctor I’ve come to realize that there was much more going on with me internally. We’ve come to the awful realization that I haven’t fully healed from the trauma of my past, and the wounds of my past were pretty much just masked with medication and not really diving into fixing the problem at hand. Not only that, but the shitty truth of the matter is my mom is not getting any better. She is at the end stage of emphysema and COPD. She’s getting more tired easily. She has been hospitalized in ICU twice in the last year which is more than she was when she was first diagnosed with the disease. The only thing even keeping her out of the hospital is a breathing mask that she now has to wear when she sleeps, and if she doesn’t wear this mask she’ll either die or be hospitalized again, I don’t even want to think about it, but I am being completely honest here about everything that has been going on with me, and as much as the truth hurts, it’s just that, the truth and sometimes the truth fucking sucks. We honestly don’t know how many years she has, or if she even has a full year. I hope she will be around to watch Brandon and I get married, but it’s not looking good to any of us. Brandon and I lived with my family since 2016, and were supposed to move out in 2018 until Christmas day of that year when she almost died. We chose to stay and help her, and help my family. We wanted to help pay for her medication. I wanted to help care for her, bathe her when my father and brother worked, feed her, and just tend to her basic needs. I did all this despite the emotional abuse I had to deal with from my father. My depression and anxiety kept getting worse and worse, but we stayed for her. My mom and I weren’t that close when I was young. I had some behavioral problems due to early mental illness and I was NOT an easy daughter to live with. However, we became the best of friends after reconnecting. I’d wish and wish with every bit of my heart that I would’ve been better when I was a child/teen, but she forgave me and that meant so much to me, and we became the best of friends. Growing closer to her I saw her health deteriorate more and more. Unfortunately she was already diagnosed with COPD already, but she wasn’t seeing a doctor and continued smoking cigarettes for a few years until she realized she had to stop. After she was hospitalized in 2018 and I thought I was going to lose my best friend, we became even closer than that and I was constantly worried about her and scared that I’d lose my mom. Over those years she just got worse and worse. 2018 was when she had to be placed on full time oxygen at home, but the more she became hospitalized I knew it was just getting worse. The Christmas season before last she was hospitalized once again, but this time they weren’t sure if she was even going to come out of it. Luckily she was able to come home for Christmas. My mental health was getting worse though due to the emotional abuse from my dad. Always calling me a whore, piece of shit, telling me I was going to hell for having Pagan beliefs instead of being a Christian, calling me a no-good liberal communist bitch, things much worse than that that I can’t even mention here. It hurt a lot. Then he would try to buy me things like candy and whatnot and then say that I’ll always be his little girl. I was so confused because if he thought that way, if he loved me, why did he treat me so poorly? It really messed with me and confused me, I didn’t know what to think and when I tried to think it just felt like my brain was short circuiting all the time if that makes sense. The year before that I had gotten back on medication for my mental health, but last year is when I started doing therapy sessions again. Among doing therapy sessions with my doctor who I grew to love and admire, she helped me dive deep into things and I realized that I was broken, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get better. I started to remember things from my childhood, like how my dad threatened me with hell if I didn’t follow Jesus, which apparently sparked something called thanatophobia, which is a severe irrational fear of death and/or the dying process. Not only did we dive into the things my dad said to me over the years and how he treated me, but we found out that I truly have not healed from the wounds of my past. I was physically and mentally bullied throughout my entire time from elementary school into high school... it just got way WAY worse when I was in high school. I wore all black clothing, band shirts, hoodies, skinny jeans, dyed my hair black, etc. and that’s when the bullying got worse. I live in the bible belt so people would walk up to me and shout “Jesus loves you, Antichrist” any chance they got. I even got bullied by kids who dressed similarly to me, some of the “emo kids” joined in at times. It got so bad to where one guy in particular would go up to random kids and pay them a dollar to come up to me just to say “Jesus loves you, Antichrist”. Not only that, but I was always called ugly by both girls and guys. I couldn’t really get a boyfriend because people just found me so unappealing, which I guess led me to really believe that was the case. It got even worse to where the bullying got physical and it was never a case where girls would beat me up, but some of the guys were getting physical with me. I won’t go into all of the instances where this happened just because this is already going to be long as it is, just 2 that stuck out to me and really damaged me beyond belief. One instance I was listening to my MP3 player on the bus and I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head, like a tugging stinging feeling, I remember I put my hand back there and there was a little bit of blood, so I looked behind me and the guy who instigated a lot of my bullying (and this was the same guy that paid people to come up to me and say “Jesus loves you, Antichrist”), had apparently ripped a chunk of my hair out, he was laughing at me and so were the people near him. Luckily my stop was next since I was the 2nd stop, so I tried to get off of the bus quickly because I was embarassed and just wanted to be out of there, and I tripped over something, I forget exactly if someone tripped me or if it was someone’s backpack in the aisle I tripped over, but I fell and the whole bus began laughing at me and it made me feel SO much fucking worse than I already did. At that point I was crying a lot and I was just excited to go home. Well when I got home (at this point my sister and her then boyfriend lived with my family) my sister’s boyfriend was an asshole and as soon as I walked in he apparently said he found some video diaries I made of just me venting about the things that I was going through in school and began kind of making fun of me for it, so I was crying worse and went to hide in my closet. I don’t know how long I was in there for, but I just wanted to be in darkness away from the world. Not really sure what happened after that. The other time that stuck out to me was the time I was staying over at a friend’s house and she wanted to walk over to her friend’s house who everyone called “Turtle” as a nickname (I forget why exactly) and when we got to his house he had some of the guys over that happened to bully me in school for my appearance and who always accused me of being a “devil worshiper”. I had a bad feeling in my stomach and told her I didn’t want to be there, but she wanted to smoke some weed with them so I didn’t really have anywhere to go. I did stay silent the whole time. None of them really spoke to me, and I don’t know how much longer after we arrived that this happened, but one of the guys left the room for a while, and when he came back everyone in the room including “Turtle” began chanting “Jesus loves you” and “the power of Christ compels you” from The Exorcist, and it turned out the guy had left to get a cross so they can hold it up to me like I was a vampire or demon or something. I tried to run out of the room, but Turtle’s 20 something year old brother (yes, a 20 something year old joined in on bullying a child) blocked the door and he was kinda big so I couldn’t get out. I was held down and the cross was pressed to my forehead so hard that it cut into me a little bit. I think they were trying to “baptize” me in a very crude way or drive some kind of evil out of me. My friend got them off of me and started screaming at them, which at that point I just wanted out and had run down the stairs and out of their house. She ran after me and tried to comfort me. I told her this is why I didn’t want to be there, but she just continued trying to comfort me. When we got back to her place I told her I just wanted to go home. I lied to her stepdad and told him that I was feeling sick and he took me home. I told my brother what happened, but not the rest of my family. I couldn’t really take the bullying anymore, so I started doing harder drugs with my sister’s boyfriend, like pills and stuff. I already smoked weed, but I just didn’t care anymore at that point and wanted to feel numb. I drank a lot, and he taught me how to crush up Klonopins and snort them through rolled up bills. I would even go as far as to take 3-4 of those things on top of hard liquor, not really caring what happened to me, I just felt numb. I began drinking a LOT more and would go to school intoxicated in hopes that it’d make me care less. It didn’t work at all and the bullying got much, much worse. I started faking sick a lot so I wouldn’t have to go to school and my school had a certain amount of days you missed before you and your family had to go to court and I ended up missing more than 10 unexcused days and we did have to go to court. The judge we met up with threatened that if I didn’t start going to school I’d be taken away from home and forced to go to juvenile hall. He showed my parents and I a video of what it was like in one of those places and I got scared. I told him and my parents that I couldn’t take the bullying and that’s why I wasn’t going to school, but the judge said that I had to. There were even times when my mom had gone up to the school to speak to the principal, but nothing was done. I felt so alone and like I had nowhere to go. It was the weekend after that and I knew I had to go to school Monday morning. No amount of drugs or self-harm I did took the pain away, so that’s when I tried to kill myself, and I almost succeeded until my sister found me and my family took me to the hospital. I obviously survived, but told them I couldn’t go back to that school and that I’d rather not be alive. That’s when I was pulled out of school and home-schooling was decided. I was put on medication and diagnosed with severe depression, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and PTSD. The PTSD was diagnosed because of the blackouts. I’d blackout and it was like I’d relive everything that happened to me, and would be scared as hell when I snapped out of it. I was home-schooled, had a teacher come to my house and help me with virtual schooling, and I had therapy at a place called Waccamaw Mental Health. Until I was 18 and my family didn’t want to pay for it anymore, that is. Without going to therapy and seeing a doctor I also could no longer get medication, so I had to stop taking it once it was out which made me sick. I got used to not having it for a while, though. Not only did I need severe help with the mental damage the bullying caused, but the PTSD was also me reliving my sexual assault that I went through when I was 15 caused by my sister’s then boyfriend’s best friend Billy. I had to keep that a secret for a long time. I was drugged and I was r*ped. It isn’t until recently that I realized that I have NOT fully healed from ANY of this and I really, really fucking want to. I learned this because I started having night terrors again recently where I’d wake up in a cold sweat, scared that something bad was going to happen, almost like I was reliving the bullying and the assault. I thought it had all gone away, but since November I have been having horrible nightmares, and in these nightmares I can feel EVERYTHING. Those old wounds started to re-open so I started working with my now therapist trying to come to terms with what to do about it. That’s when I started hardcore meditating and listening to a guy named Dr. Joe Dispenza on how to change my brain patterns and re-arrange my life if that makes sense. It’s been helping, but it will take a while for those old wounds from trauma to heal.  Among dealing with the night terrors and nightmares, dealing with the anxiety and phobias, I’ve been upset and scared to lose my mom because the horrible truth of the matter is we really don’t know how much time she has left. We don’t. She has her good days and she has her bad days, but I am constantly worried about her and stressed about the day I finally get that call that no kid wants to get. Going through my mom dying, the nightmares, my phobias, depression, anxieties, and our recent financial struggle with us scraping by I have been SO stressed and depressed, just wanting everything to work out and be okay. Despite that I have been trying my hardest not to let my feelings show online, where I want to spread love and positivity, hiding behind a smile because I want to make people feel good and be there for others and make others happy even though on the inside I am aching, I still wanted to spread kindness and love because I want to make sure my friends and followers know that they are loved.  I have started doing YouTube a year ago because that’s something I’ve wanted to do since my teens, but never could afford a camera until my fiance gifted me one for Christmas last year. I was excited because I could finally make videos and become a content creator like Sam and Colby (if you don’t know who they are they explored abandoned/haunted places). I decided to make a horror themed channel because my fiance and I had a horror podcast we were doing before that, so I was happy I could finally make videos for YouTube. It started out rocky because I am SO nervous and have really bad social anxiety on camera. I am very awkward and you can even hear it in my voice that I am a bag of nerves. I did this for a few months until I got really sick with a colon infection that spread to my pancreas causing my lipase levels (pancreas enzymes) to elevate, and when that happens it’s called acute pancreatitis. I was sick for an entire month (I think? or at least it felt like a month) and when I finally started seeing a GI doctor he gave me a chart to help me change my diet to a more low-fat diet so my enzymes would go down. They finally went back to normal and after a CT scan everything looked good including my gallbladder, so I could have a more balanced diet... but I went through that entire time thinking I was going to die because my cousin died from chronic pancreatitis and liver disease, so I was scared. I finally started making videos again, but I hated how sickly I still looked from all the weight I lost from being so ill. I still haven’t even fully gained all of that weight back. Hell I haven’t even had a period in 3 years and still haven’t had one. But when I started making videos again I was very self-conscious about how my body looked basically very bony and skeletal, so I started dealing with body dysmorphia. I began talking to my therapist about it and that’s when I learned what that was, I was unhappy with my appearance. I thought about maybe wearing a costume or something to help with my social anxiety and in November I talked to my therapist about that, and she said it would be a great tool to help me get more in my comfort zone and loosen up a bit on camera. So I decided my Halloween costume would be perfect. I could create a character, Purgatori the Pumpkin Queen after the Pumpkin King in Nightmare Before Christmas. I love Halloween and all things Halloween so both my therapist and I thought it was a great idea. After Christmas we were still worrying about money and how we were going to get by, so I thought I’d finally launch my Patreon to help support my family. I could add different things to different tiers, get back into writing and upload some of my short stories that I have written and my paintings, I could make my family some money while also making extra content. I started doing the videos with the costume. I made 2 so far, my Halloween Ends review and my breakdown of the extended cut of Halloween (1978).  I was scrolling through Twitter and Instagram one day and noticed one of my followers talking about someone copying them on YouTube and I felt bad for this person because I know how hard it is to work and edit, especially with someone like me who suffers with severe migraines and editing can make that worse, I decided to send them a DM showing my support and thought maybe this person needed someone in their corner. I didn’t want anyone to be in pain so for my new year’s resolution I wanted to be there for more people, so I messaged this person. They never got back to me so I figured they were just busy. I even subscribed to this person’s YouTube channel to show my support. Us content creators have to stick together, right? And I didn’t want ANYONE feeling sad. A couple days went by and I noticed this person still didn’t get back to me and noticed they left me on read, and I still thought maybe this person was busy or a lot of people may have been trying to message them so I didn’t think anything of it. This person then put out a video and I watched it, and they said it was an update on the copycat so I continued watching it wondering if maybe they’d give clues to who may have been doing this to them, and I wanted to know who to steer clear from, but then they mentioned the person they were talking about tried messaging them shortly after their post trying to do “damage control”. With my anxiety I kept thinking “I really hope they’re not thinking of me”, so I talked to a few of my close friends and they agreed that our content was not the same and that there weren’t any similarities so I felt a little better, but I was still worried that this person thought I was copying them because I didn’t want to be the cause of someone else’s pain if I could help it, and if they did think it was me maybe I could clear the air. I finally messaged them and asked them if they thought it was me, and holy crap it was - they thought it was me. They thought that I had watched their videos for the year they’d been following me and got inspired from them, which is NOT the truth at all, because apparently this person cosplays and does some reviews. I felt HORRIBLE that they thought it was me because it was completely unintentional. They said they had a hard time believing me that I’ve never watched their YouTube videos, but I assured them that I haven’t and that I was so sorry. All I was doing was trying to help my social anxiety and I thought my Halloween costume would be perfect, and I can create a character for my channel - the pumpkin queen. I thought it suited me because I could make my channel Halloween themed too and kinda reconstruct it, because I love Halloween and everyone who follows me knows how much I love Halloween. They also said I was copying them because I was writing horror stories for my Patreon, and they told ghost stories on their channel - which is something I never intended to do on my channel, I just wanted to do reviews, rankings, tier lists, etc. just horror content in general. Maybe some true crime here and there. My mom wanted me to start writing again anyway, and I’ve been writing since I was 13 years old so I thought it’d be perfect for my Patreon, because I wanted people to feel like they were getting their money’s worth if that makes sense. I felt so horrible. So horrible that I unintentionally caused someone pain. I felt so guilty that I tried to kill myself again. Not just because of this, but I was already going through SO fucking much at the time. So stressed. My mental health was HORRIBLE which I was getting help with anyway, but it felt like this was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. I just wanted everything to stop. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted all of the stress to go away.  I am getting extra help now. I am lucky that I didn’t succeed because if I did I wouldn’t be here right now. I am just happy to be get the EXTRA help that I need which means more therapy and my dosage being raised on my medication. Working with doctors I realized that I really didn’t copy anyone. I didn’t, and now I feel that with every shred of confidence in my body that I didn’t steal anyone’s work. I’m not sure why this person singled me out, because I found out there were other masked YouTubers out there and other costumed YouTubers. Now that I know that there are more costumed YouTubers out there I want to give them recognition because I didn’t realize that was a thing. My doctors don’t want me to stop doing YouTube. They don’t want me to stop writing or creating or painting. They think I should continue with the costume, but I will say this - to anyone who is a masked YouTuber or costumed YouTuber, you are amazing and I thank you for your hard work.  Honestly if this person really thought for certain I was taking from their work I wish they would’ve just simply messaged me and asked me if it was my intention, or just talk it out with me. But the fact that they made a video falsely accusing me of something that I didn’t do, and even going on to say that they “know how this person is” really hurt me because I don’t sit there and go out of my way to hurt or manipulate people, and it leads me to believe that this person didn’t really know me at all or what I was going through. 

The reason why I write all of this is not to gain sympathy. I do NOT want sympathy. I do not want people to feel sorry for me. I wanted to explain everything, and when I mean everything, I mean EVERYTHING. All of my traumas, everything I’ve been going through recently, because I’ll be honest guys, life has NOT given me a break. And the reason why I explained everything that I went through regarding the bullying and sexual assault is not because I am blaming this person, it is not because I thought this person was bullying me, but just because I have come to terms with the reason why I have been so stressed, and why my depression and anxiety has gotten worse - because I have old traumas that haven’t healed. I am 28 now and thought by now everything would be better, but my doctor said trauma is different for everyone and everyone heals differently.  If you do know who this person is, I beg you PLEASE do not send them hate. Do not call them out. Do not harass this person. There is enough pain in the world, and I truly don’t know if this person meant any harm or not, but I am done with the drama and the fighting. My mental health is more important. I am not fully coming back to social media yet as I am still healing, but I will be posting on my Patreon because I want to contribute to my family in anyway that I can in these really tough times. My fiance has been the best and there for me, he’s taken care of me and he hasn’t left me, and I am so fucking grateful for him. I am so grateful for all of you too. Thank you so much. I have read all of your well wishes and I want to apologize for causing you all worry and pain. I will take a while to heal, but I am determined to get better mentally, not just for me, but for the people around me. I just really want people to be more mindful, because you never know what a human being is going through on the other end. 

I am so sorry for this being so long, I just had a lot to come to terms with. Maybe this will help someone who is going through something similar not to feel so alone. It was important for me to talk about some of this stuff too, because I can’t spend my life running away from my trauma. I have to face it and deal with it.

I love you guys. I love the Mutant Fam. I love the Horror Community. Thank you for listening.

- Tori 

[charles-frake]

{Sunflowers} Chapter 3: Changing [Part 2/2]

Peter's POV:

In Math I had gotten a text from Happy. [Meet Stark at the Compound after school. Wear your suit.]

I wanted to text back why, but before I could my math teacher called for me. I tucked my phone into my hoodie.

After school, I got a taxi uptown. It was a forty-minute drive so I just listened to a podcast. I watched the cab pull away I pressed the button on my chest, immediately transforming into my spidey suit. I had everything but my mask on. I went up the blue tile stairs and into the open front room. No one was there.

"Hello?" No answer.

I started to walk around and could hear noise from one of the side rooms.

"Thats right! Keep up that strength!" It sounded like Stark's voice.

Finally, I found the room. I'd never been in it. It had a red glass tile and a big boxing ring in the center. There were also couches on the side and a mat, im guessing for more training.

Stark looked over and turned off his stopwatch. "Take five." I looked over then at the people at the ring. It was Happy, like always, but then– my eyes widened. I stepped back, but she had already seen me.

"What the fuck?" She slid out of the ring as she spoke and I thought she was going to knock my ass onto the ground. "P-Peter? Why are you dressed like that?"

My face flushed and I didn't know what to say. I had been caught, and I could finally admit it to it. All of it. But I was so scared. "Oh, this? It's part of uh, my volunteer-work with Stark. For Halloween, I'm dressed as S-spiderman." It was all I could make up.

Dawn turned to Stark.

He chuckled. "It's bullshit. He's him, kid."

My heart raced and my ears went hot. I could feel her getting angry. Her heat practically emitted off of her.

"So this whole time, you were spiderman? I mean Spiderman started crime-fighting last October. You've been bullshitting me and lying this whole time?"

"Dawn, I..." I couldn't find words. I felt so ashamed and open and vulnerable. It was all spilling out now. I just kept staring into her disappointed her eyes.

"I mean, hell, does anyone else know?"

I shook my head. Then I sighed. "Well, Aunt May does. And Ned."

"Ned???" Her rage grew.

"Dawn, I meant to tell you."

"You trusted Ned over me? Are you serious?"

I found myself growing defensive. "This isn't all on me. I mean, you didn't tell me about your mom for weeks. You got distant too. And you keep secrets too. Like what about this?"

"God thats not even the same thing. And just because you don't know something doesn't mean it's a secret. And we're not even friends now, or together or whatever, so it's none of your damn business,"

Just then Mr. Stark went away with a smug look and came back with a document. When I read it, my eyes widened more. But I wasn't angry or anything, just concerned. "Dawn, you're sick?"

"What? Don't look at that!" She tried to grab it but Tony took it. "I-I was sick. I'm fine now. That doesn't matter, You don't get to pretend you care after lying for ages." Purple smoke was forming underneath her, like seen in the photos in the folder. "Dawn, I'm sorry."

"Dawn, you need to calm down." Tony said.

She started to pant and get more frustrated. "Why did you even bring him here? You told me to stay away from him!" "I was serious about that, but then I thought about how good it would be to harness that anger of yours and see if it might help you focus some."

That clearly got her more mad. It was all so much. "Im not some damn test subject!" She yelled, and the glass tile on the wall shattered. We all ducked, but I could feel little cuts into me and see some cuts on Dawn's face.

Stark sighed. "Take them home."

[kazimirfiles]

Hi! Can I ask romantic matchup for bungou stray dogs and danganronpa thh?

i go by she/her pronouns, im 18, and i have no gender preference!

things i like: yellow, picnics on the beach, fruit water, black tea, old books, folklor, mythology, cultures, baking, hanging out with my best friends, animals, fancy earrings, theatre, pretty and rare words, summer, watching movies, reading, writing, telling funny stories, smiling conspiratorially to strangers and giving them flowers, drawing, fashion, psychlogy, true crime, dancing, All Tomorrows, old music, sarcasm

personality:

I'm very confident, dominant and assertive person. I voice my opinion, nobody dares to mess up with me. Also I'm calm, full of serenity and femenine energy. I just try to be myself. I appear a little cold but i'm fact I'm lively, sassy, charismatic and kind. And I try to be funny.

I love helping people and putting smiles to others faces. I'm mostly organised but I still can be very chaotic. I'm a hopeless romantic with my heart in everything I do. A bit of a night owl, I've always been fascinated by exploring old European cities and imagining the stories that lived in their streets. I'm a bit different from the rest of the group, but that's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm proud of it! Not all can understand me, but those who take the time to get to know me know that I'm an invaluable friend and companion.

my appearance: I'm 5'7 with hourglass figure, and- and I think picrew is more detailed-

Yup, I look like this

I'd totally fall for person that intrigued me (I grew up in the middle of nowhere in Eastern Europe so I'm extremely curious about everything). It might be their dressing style, little personality trait, hobby, etc.

They just must have something that makes them diffrent. I find it hot bc they give me chance to learn something new.

I hate fake, toxic, abusing people, bullies, stalkers and catcallers. I dislike eating on town, bc it disgust me (I hate finding hair in my dinner)

Extra notes:

- My family calls me Vampire

- In random moments I sing songs about man killing his wife or about dead body in closet bc my mom sang this songs when I was younger

- I have specific sense of humor

- If I like someone I'd infodump about thing that I'm actually obsessed with

- My friends say that I'm just more kind and friendly Byakuya Togami. Or they say that I'm lost Addams or something

- I'd call my lover pretty words in other languages, bc I can. Also I'll draw them and I'll write poems about them

Have a good day/night!

HELLO! Thank you for sending in lé matchup request 😌

I match you up with…

Fyodor Dostoevsky

• After skimming through your stuff and rereading it again, Fyodor was honestly the only person I could think of. Besides Atsushi who was a close runner-up, I have a feeling that Fyodor would likely enjoy you more.

• Fyodor likely didn’t notice you at first. I’d say he most likely caught your eye first, given his unique style and appearance, you likely approached him first.

• It started most likely with a short compliment from you. You were traveling to Japan Yokohama with a few friends just for funsies and met him along the way. You and your friends were having a picnic on a beach. It wasn’t a very populated one, so Fyodor was likely hanging around there.

• You and your friends heard the sound of boots crunching on sand and rocks. You turned around and saw Fyodor, staring at you from afar with a poker face, and intriguing purple/violet eyes.

• He panicked a bit actually. He didn’t expect you and your friends to be where he’s at. Instead, he took a deep breath, kindly looked at each of your friends, then smiled while walking away.

• You were beyond interested in this guy. He didn’t look Japanese. Was his appearance interesting to you? Definitely. Those purple-ish violet eyes? Alluring.

• Fyodor wasn’t doing any too important business. Well, he was still working on his next step to his goal, so he decided to walk out and just think.

• Some of your friends were a bit creeped by the guy, but you still wanted to figure him out. You tried talking to Fyodor to see what happens.

• I have to admit, he may have been annoyed by you at first. He just wanted alone time at the beach and you and your friends happen to be there. What made him change you may be wondering? It was a specific trait and thing you did that made him reciprocate your interest in him.

• Your outspoken yet feminine nature intrigued him a bit. Such an interesting combo of a personality. He probed you more, asking questions about yourself and taking note of everything. He wasn’t completely obsessed with you, but he found your uniqueness interesting. He wanted to understand you.

• From then on, your relationship bloomed from there.

• Fyodor probably walks around in old European cities with you often. Even if you haven’t been to one, I can imagine that Fyodor would have the tools to bring you on a trip.

• He didn’t see it before, but he finds you pleasant to look at. Your hair, your face, your hourglass shape, he likes it all!

• He likes that you’re likely to voice your opinion. It’s certainly a respectable trait.

• Probably calls you vampire too with your family. How’d he find out you may be wondering? Well, it was probably him peaking over your shoulder and noticing a text from one of your family members calling you that.

***

Your Danganronpa THH matchup is…

Chihiro Fujisaki

• I honestly think that Chihiro might be the most ideal match for you. He finds your confident, bold, and caring personality is something the he exactly needs.

• Let’s say the killing game never was a thing and that Junko never decided to be a menace to society. You’re matched with a nondespair!AU of Chihiro. You probably met him through Mondo and Makoto when Mondo was helping Chihiro build up his physical strength.

• You met Makoto first, and upon meeting you, he felt the need to introduce you to Chihiro and of course Mondo. He thought that if Mondo helped Chihiro with physical strength, you’d help him with mental strength.

• The meetup was pretty short honestly. You and Chihiro got close from the first you two saw each other. As time went by, you guys just got closer!

• Thinks your vampire nickname is a bit strange and laughed at it first. Nonetheless, he decided he’s lightheartedly call you that a few times. And if you weren’t okay with it, expect a very panicked and heartfelt apology lol.

• Baking nights together! One time he did get a little frosting on his nose, to which you responded to that by scooping it off his nose with your index finger.

• Honestly, someone who’s tough-minded like you and more bold is perfect for someone like Chihiro. 100%!

I had a bit of trouble with Chihiro’s part but I did the best I could. Hope you enjoyed! Sorry if I missed anything but I did what I could.

[princesspastarave]

that 2022-2023 period of time where i thought i was asexual LMAOOOO

“what changed your mind?” awsten screaming at me to gtfu my first time seeing parx like i can’t even make that shit up 😭⁉️

i realized i wasn’t asexual so much as i was traumatized from the guy engaging in k1nk with no aftercare / no asking beforehand and i think it brought back a lot of catholicsm and stuff (“it happened like that because you’re not married” / “you don’t deserve to feel good” / etc)

the asexuality turned into a sex repulsion of never letting myself feel those things which then turned into a fear of my body being perceived in general which i think is why it’s hard for me to go out irl especially alone

but !!! i went to parx alone this week and the religious guilt interlude was literally life changing as someone that was raised with a lot of guilt instilled about my body in general. i think the main thing that stuck with me was the saying that “this shame serves you in no way and the sooner you can identify it, the sooner you can work towards letting it go.”

i grew up thinking my body was something to be ashamed of. that i was not allowed to exist because it inconvenienced other people. not even by the church or my schools but my own mother.

i got my first pair of shorts at 11 years old with one of her friends and the second they left she screamed at me about how disappointed she was to have a “hooker daughter” and that “i should go get raped and die.” her favourite things to say.

every solution in her mind was for me to get raped or die. bad day at work? knock me out unconscious. don’t like my outfit? pray someone follows me home and i “don’t go crying to her about it.”

well guess what ! she said it so many times it manifested itself into reality ! i’ve been followed home and even robbed so many times so much to her pleasure i am already Halfway there !!!!

every adult even other moms i’d go to would just tell me to suck it up and shut up and be nicer “because motherhood is hard” but to raise me to believe my silence or shorts or mere existence was grounds for raping or beating me is fucking sickening because it’s almost 22 years now and i still can’t confidently say no.

this is the best i’ve ever been at setting boundaries. my silence or aversions or redirecting conversations. i have trouble letting myself acknowledge my own limits and it’s something i work on every day.

dating after long term relationships is hard. dating after running away from an abusive mother/partner/etc is really hard. but dating after numerous assaults because you didn’t know they were assaults and still struggle to prevent them is especially hard.

a lot of people take it personally when i don’t have those urges or even let myself think that way. they beat themselves up for the time i am unable to act on any feelings which sucks. but i tell people beforehand to not expect anything from me which i think is a good start.

i read a lot of coping after sexual violence articles and talk it out with friends and write it down and box and dance it out and buy “whore clothes” and even paid for back tattoos to get comfortable with people touching / seeing me and also reconnecting with my physical form but nothing works and i don't know why.

the way he’d throw me around and fall asleep or drive away / send me money after still makes me fucking sick. every day further from it yet i still feel it so close and fresh in my mind.

i can visit graves with people and cry in their arms and whore my trauma out for dinner or a ride home but the thought of 1 person seeing the roses on my back makes me want to throw up and die. it feels too intimate. i'm too vulnerable in that moment what if they pick me up or hit me or make me do all the work again and i get so fucking scared it’s gonna happen again and i don’t know what else to do :/

the way i was never given aftercare after that and had excuses made "it's how i cope with xyz" bitch shut the fuck up "i paid your rent i can do whatever i want" no the fuck you can't you still have to treat me like a fucking person you sicko

the worst times would be when i'd work 5 hours at the mall, commute all the way to the other side of the city for a 10 hour shift at bar, come home make dinner clean and then do all the fucking work in the bedroom after doing it all everywhere else. you'd think i'd finally get held after, right ? right ?????

wrong.

i was not handled with care. i didn't have time to take care of myself my hair got so matted from knots i had to shave it off. i never had time to cook or clean and i was the heaviest i'd ever been. not even from the pregnancy but the stress weight alone.

yeah i lost 40 pounds that autumn and my hair and nails finally started growing again but i miscarried in the arms of a fucking stranger and i'm really freaked out about how you'll react or look at me after you know this because everyone always looks at me like i'm stupid or something or it makes them uncomfortable and i can't even blame them because it's fucking uncomfortable for me too.

telling people it was a rock on my hand is way more palatable than saying it was the other thing. not even for their comfort but for my own.

and it's terrifying because i'm a fucking target for these kinds of things. that's why i ask right away about taxi cab theories and baby plans because if you are on your last love i don't want that pressure on me. if you are ready to build a life with someone go do that. but if you have no feelings and want to whore yourself out with a bunch of girls i'm gonna say go do that too bitch !!

i'm not here to be your first or last love but that doesn't mean i'm here to be some rebound or “one of your girls” do you know who the fuck you’re talking to !!!!

#cw sex talk #cw sa mention #vent post #cw miscarriage

[diaryofalamb]

Jesus Christ, I expected my periods would be irregular for a bit after the surgery due to the weight loss and whatnot but my shit has been regulating with no problem. Before the surgery and before I got on birth control I was pretty regular, my period would come maybe like a day early or a day late depending on my stress but it would always show and stay for about four days. When I was on birth control, I stopped having the monthly bleeds and when I got off it (like January 2023) it took three months before I had my first bleed then I bled like two months after that. After surgery, it’s like I restarted my cycle. As in, soon as I got home from the hospital my period started, then a month and one week later my period again, and then exactly 28 days later it came again. I’m grateful for my health, I’m grateful for all the wonderful things my body can do for me, but DUDE. Seriously?! You couldn’t have waited maybe three months before making me worry about having menstruating stock everywhere I go?

With my time of the month now logged into the books where I can get prepared for it, I need to hold off on incorporating new foods into my diet during that week and a few days after because I can’t tell if I’ve been throwing up because of the food I’m eating or because my body is experiencing hormones and such. The emotional part is easy to tell why, but I had been waking up coughing and with the need to throw up (which I usually do minutes if not seconds after waking up) for the last three or four nights. I had this before soon after surgery, which I started taking medication for to ease the stomach acid building up and was working until now. If anyone is reading this and concerned, don’t be. If it continues past this week, I’ll head into my surgeons office and ask them to look into it but for today I will be having soup (nothing spicy or sour, just mild soup, what some might call dull) and possibly mashed potatoes or protein shakes to not irritate my stomach too much. I’ll also have my last meal at 7:30 at the latest and head to bed at 10 just so my stomach can properly digest it with enough time to do so.

I’ve been more active in my job, more passionate I believe so. There’s lots of things we’re planning for and events to do but so little of us. I’ve been able to keep myself somewhat active at work, with walking to the nearby store or restaurants to get lunch or for the hell of it. I’ve found myself at times making excuses to get up and walk around or to do something such as lifting or carrying. There are still times when I feel like I don’t want to get up to do something, whether it’s getting up to grab a remote or change the laundry or what have you, but for different reasons than in the past. If there’s talk of going somewhere that’s relatively close by, such as a store down the street or a 6 minute walk, I feel a preference to walk it rather than drive it. I don’t know, does that make sense?

I’ve gotten closer to A’s family I feel like. I partook in an event with them, a local outing and dinner afterwards, and I’ve been spending more time with my dads family, I’m actually going out of the country for a few days to visit my aunt and cousins on his side and I’m super excited. On my moms side, I don’t feel like my relationship has changed much. I love that side of my family, they’re wonderful and kind people, but I kind of always felt like they were ashamed of me. I thought that if I lost weight because of this surgery they would treat me differently, nothing major just slight differences but I’m not sure. I do want to plan a trip to see my moms side in person, I miss my baby cousins and my grandparents and my aunts, but I’m not too sure when I’d be able to go.

Anyways, I meant to give an update earlier and there are a few things I forgot to put into this that I meant to write about but I can just do another post. Probably a shorter update mainly about the eating and exercise and whatnot. I don’t know, we’ll see

#tw: menstruation #period talk #bariatricsurgery #weight loss

[lauvra]

I want to read right now but I’m genuinely worried it’ll make me fall asleep. Lately two short stories after dark are the only cooperation my eyelids will afford. What time do I need to set my alarm for? The problem is I’ll set a warning alarm for the relief of going back to sleep for an hour and a half, then another one which if I rise for, I’ll be sure to have the quiet space for re-humanism but too often I’ll think nah, who for? then the final one means I gotta go while I’m still wiping sleep from my eyes. I’m too old to be this undisciplined, too young to be so tired and I want to lean. I want to marry that American who lost interest, be mom and military wife just to off-set the effort required to achieve what I’m too afraid to while my husband sends cheques and fucks around on deployment. I’ll get saggier with each screaming child in my arms and after a few years I’ll stop greeting him at the airport cus – and we never discuss this - he’s embarrassed after a time even to be seen with me on account of he’s in uniform and people always look at the men in uniform meeting up with their pretty wives at the airport (sometimes they even film it, how ashamed I decide he’d be, but would never ask) and he ain’t got no pretty wife, he used to; I was really something, always soft but cute. Now after each reunion he sees less and less the woman he was enamoured with in his twenties, of course he doesn’t tell me all this. No way, he doesn’t even get so deep with the women he shares pillow talk with on the islands, just says things are... complicated. But I’d remember the wounding first time he looked disappointed to see me, his acquiescence on replay; he almost continues looking past hopefully until suddenly reconfiguring me then as me now and turning up an awkwardly polite smile. The smile would gut me so I’d have to pretend dumbly it never happened, I’d smile back in kind, teethless. Eyes tinged sallow with my virtuous wait. Women are no fools, I wouldn’t fancy going back to old work or re-learning to utilise my charm so I’d quietly burn but never start a fight only committing gentle acts of sabotage in common domestic ways until the flames were licking all the way up fixing to erupt. Eventually I’d work on myself; the innermost kind like maybe I'd take a course and mention over letter how great a listener my new creative-writing lecturer is. I’ll be sure to say my lecturer who grew up of an era that dental alignment was for the most affluent, of which he was not – in veiled deferral of his baser concern but this will harm him doubly as he knows well my sick affinity for the rotting jagged jaws of self-made older men – anyway I’d say how my wolf-mouthed lecturer really said verbatim one day after class ‘you have something to say’ implying I was special in that inner-most way, hinting he’s already inside me. His anger will wound him, his suspicion will wound him, his hypocritical understanding of the greater picture will wound him and one night he’ll find himself in some dimly lit rouge room in our home town for a $600 shoulder rub confessing how complicated his marriage has become and he’ll spare the details because unlike his wife he knows he’s not special, but the one with these soft hands really seems to care after-all. He’ll worry he’s said too much and take a long walk home despairing over the image of Soft Hands returning to her shared hovel with his cash in her bra - the design and colour of which he never noted - laughing as she regales how another man 'joked' about running away together again. I'll set my first alarm for 5:30am.

#me #word #kvlt

[floral-hex]

I don’t know why I’m writing this.

My hearing has kind of gone out again. By “out” I mean I am overwhelmed by tinnitus, dead air, distorted hearing. My hearing aids don’t help, they just make the muddle louder. I’m in a bad place. I feel sick. I’m having a hard time eating. I’m sleeping too much. It’s not just hearing loss, there’s a mental component to it. I feel closed off. I feel so alone. I haven’t been this depressed in awhile. I shouldn’t have stopped antidepressants and now I’m scared to start again because starting them is always the worst, and, well, to be honest, I’ve had a lot of suicidal thoughts these last few days. I can’t see myself living with this for long. I’m scared. I’m alone. Even around others, I feel alone because I can’t understand them and I hate forcing myself and my problems on them. My mother asked how my hearing was today and I broke down in front of her. She’s not my therapist, I hate putting my problems on her, but I couldn’t hold it. I’ve been so desperate for some human contact, for someone to vent to, that I just started weeping. I told her I’m scared about how I’ll live, that I’m falling apart and have been thinking about ending things. We talked for a bit and she said she’d help me make some appointments tomorrow since I can’t really hear right now. I hate this. I hate making her worry. Telling your mom you want to kill yourself… fucking sucks. I don’t know how else to put it. She said she’d take me to the hospital at any hour, if I needed it. She doesn’t deserve that pain. Im not going to do anything harmful. I haven’t reached that point. I’d never want to hurt my family like that. I couldn’t imagine leaving my little brothers. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed.

I wish I could move to some deaf commune like from Sound of Metal. I wish there was a place I could go where I wouldn’t have to worry about my future. Just give me a simple job, a small room, 3 meals a day, and that’s all I want. I’m so lost. I have no friends. No prospects. I miss my dad. I miss being small and having someone else in control. I miss having a partner there, just someone next to me in bed, some other warm body to hold on to when I need physical comfort. I’m sitting in the kitchen right now because I can’t be in my room right now. It feels like a tomb. I hate that it’s 2 a.m. I hate that I’ve been sleeping all day. I have no where to go and I feel alone. I cancelled my gym membership. Too much money and I didn’t have the transportation. They used to be 24 hours before covid. When I first moved back to Arkansas, I was depressed like this. I’d go to the gym at about this time of night while I was depressed. I miss that. Some place to go when my mind needed distracting. Now I have nowhere. I don’t know what to do. I’m just going to keep writing because I need this distraction. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t know if I want them to. To be honest, I don’t even feel like I have friends online anymore. Mutuals keep deleting. All my old friends have moved on. I’m bad at chatting with new friends because I have nothing to talk about. I have such a nothing life. I feel ashamed when people ask about me, about my life.

You want to know about me? I’m… fuck, I don’t remember how old I am. Fuck, I’m 34. I’m 34 and unemployed. I dropped out of college. I can’t hold a job. I was excited about trying to get a job, I thought my hearing had been holding up, I was going to send out applications, I swear, but this present problem has just made me feel hopeless. I can’t make friends because I’m 34, unemployed, live with my family, and have no hobbies besides sleeping and just surviving. I’m sorry. I want to be your friend. I want people to be my friend. I don’t want to die and be forgotten. I put out albums in my 20s! I had a cooking show in high school! I had friends, I went to concerts, I’ve had so many cats. I’m going to be forgotten. My bandcamp will never get visited. I have albums worth of instrumentals I wrote in my early 20s that no one will ever hear. I’ve been thinking about writing a book for years, but I’ve never sat down to actually write. My own family won’t know about these things. I’m going to be forgotten and that feels worse than death. I need my family and friends to know how much I love them. I love them so much. They’re the only reason I don’t want to go. I want to see my brothers grow up. Im so scared. I’m scared for them and I can’t help them. I have nothing to offer them. The world is too heavy. And they’ll be off to college soon enough and I’ll never see them. They’re at that age where they go straight to their room, they don’t talk to me much. I miss watching movies with my little brother. I miss playing video games with them. Talking with them. I just want to hold them and tell them I love them. That they saved my life. That I’ll be here for them as long as I can so please, please don’t shut me out. Please just sit and watch a dumb movie with me and be with me for a little bit because I need to be with them, in that moment, while they’re young, so I can remember this. They’re going to go off to college, they’re going to go live their lives, and I’ll still be here and I know they’ll still love me but I won’t matter as much. I’m worried about my mom. She’s sick all the time. She can’t work anymore. Life is crushing down on us. I don’t want her to hurt. I don’t want her to leave us. I don’t want her to leave her teenage sons. That’s not fair. They need their mom. Their dad already ran off. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want them to be 20 and scared and miss their mom. I wish I could be there for them. I told her I was worried about losing her, and she said she could live another 10 years. That sounds like no time at all. 10 years, if we’re lucky. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want my brothers to lose her.

All I see is everything’s expiration date. I’m so focused on the end. I want to be here, now, but I’m so scared. I’m wasting it. It’s 2:40 in the morning and the world feels dead. I feel like I’m on a dead planet and I’m just sitting here, rotting and postponing the end. It could just end right now, tonight. I know it would be scary, but when it happens, it’s just dark and nothing. Once I passes out giving blood. It was just dizziness, nausea, and then nothing. When I came to, I was surprised how… nothing, it was. It just happened and it was nothingness. No dreams, just gone. I know it’s not the same, but it also kind of is. I’m scared. I don’t want that. I don’t want nothing. I want life. I want to be happy. Please, I need something, I need to be happy, I need a life. I need friends and I need a job and my family and I need my hearing to just fucking figure itself out. I can’t do this “one month of good hearings, one month of bad hearing, repeat.” If I can just survive a little while, I know it’s bad right now. It gets bad.

I have to be positive. I have to be. So tomorrow I’m going to make some appointments, or my mom will if I can’t hear, and I’m going to try to get on some antidepressants, even though I’m scared about how I’ll feel, and I’m going to beg for something like Xanax to help give me immediate relief for these ever increasing moments of massive anxiety and hopelessness. I’m going to try to demand ear tubes. I don’t know if they’ll work, but I’m lost. I’m desperate. Please, just do this small unnecessary surgery so I can feel like I’m doing something. I think I’m going to go back to therapy. I haven’t been in years. I wish weed was legal here, because god knows I need it, but it’s not like I could afford it if I could buy it. I need money. I need to go out. I feel so closed off. I need to go to the movies or bowling or even just back to a gym. Please please let my hearing clear up so I can get a simple job and have some kind of pay check. I shouldn’t be this old and feel this lost.

So now it’s 2:45. I’m in the kitchen. I drank some coffee because I needed the caffeine and sugar to hopefully give me a dopamine boost. I don’t know if it did. I’ve just been crying this whole time, so I don’t know. I slept all day. I need to be awake during the day, so I shouldn’t be drinking coffee, but I think soon I’m going to take some Benadryl, take a shower, and try to sleep until the sun comes up. I feel sick. I’ve been sleeping too much. I have no appetite so I’ve been forcing myself to eat, but it’s all tasteless and hard to swallow. I’ve been here before. I know it can get better. I don’t know how, I mean, everything else seems to be collapsing inward on my family right now, but… I have to believe things can get better. I feel like I’m choking right now. I feel trapped and suffocating. I’m so nauseas and sick and scared. I just want someone to walk in and say “hey, can I sit with you awhile?” I’ll keep going, but this is…

AND I can’t fucking use this app because it eats my battery and overheats my phone! What the hell.

Okay, 3 a.m. 3:05. What am I doing

I ran out of space for tags. This is too long. No one is going to read any of this. Why would you? You shouldn’t. It’s like a really long sad sad rant. Aaaaaaaa I’m losing it. I’m lonely. I’m burnt out. Half tempted to join a cult so I can just live with a group of people that control my life for me. I know that’s a shitty joke and cults are terrible, but also my brain is so bad and I feel so hopeless that when I say I’m half joking, I really do mean I’m partially serious. Sure sure, you’re God, dude, that’s cool, I’ll believe that, just give me a bed, 3 meals, and I’m in. Aaaahh ughhhh 3:15. What am I doing? How many followers will I lose for this? Why do I even have this blog? I’ve been on here for, I don’t know… I want to guess 15 years. Maybe more, maybe less. I don’t know why. It’s some connection to the outside world. No one talks to me on here. Sometimes they do. Some years they do, some years I just “exist” on here with very few interactions. It’s sad. I need real friends. I need a job so my coworkers can be friends. I need money to go out. I need self confidence and money and a job so I can join some dumb dating or friendship app, but right now… okay, I can’t go back down that road right now. Just scroll back up and reread my whining.

3:20. Distract myself. Keep writing. Distract. I can’t write forever. Okay. I need to go. I’ll be okay. I’ll try to be. If you read some of this, I’m sorry, but maybe thank you. I don’t deserve you. This world is so scary and lonely. Thank you for being here. Really. I appreciate you.

#this is a LONG LONG cry for help #it’s okay to unfollow me after you see this huge thing on your dashboard #tw: suicide #also to complain some more: the tumblr app has been killing my phone lately #I need my phone battery to run Bluetooth for my hearing aids and use the roku app to livestream tv audio to my headphones #but this app just sucks up all the battery and makes it overheat #I’ve been charging the whole time I’ve written this and it’s only gone up 3% #how fucked up is that #I probably also need to masturbate for serotonin but I just can’t get in the mood #half tempted to get back on tinder and basically say ‘hey I’m hard of hearing. I’m lonely. I can’t maintain a relationship #but if you want to just sit with me in the park and read or sit close to me and also make out then please hit me up’ #’hello. I’m old hard of hearing poor and boring. please hold me for a little while. I need to know I’m not alone.’ #arkansas just kinda sucks for things to do after midnight that’s not a bar I guess #why did I write all of this #I needed to. #this is why I need a therapist #I’m probably going to copy it down #I thought about sending this to my mom but I can’t rightly put this on her #this depressive pointless stream of consciousness #I just needed to get it out #I feel a little better #but it’s still 3am and it’s too quiet and I’m alone with myself. AND I HATE MYSELF so that sucks #I don’t know how to distract from this #I don’t have the drive to play video games. tv isn’t making me happy #reading is hard lately. my brain doesn’t want to absorb anything written so it makes me feel overwhelmed looking up info that might help me #I need dopamine! or serotonin! I need some sharp boost of happiness so bad. #goddddd… I need help #all my mutuals are deleting and I wouldn’t know how to talk to anyone #I feel alone on this app #text

[flueduct]

This rant is completely on me but I’m so ashamed of it I can’t tell anyone irl

My parents confiscated my phone for an untold reason idk why they just did, and I didn’t have time to close any tabs. So I’m panicked but I’m like, eh it’s whatever they hardly go through them anyway.

I get called to my parents room and am met with my mom, no hesitation, reading aloud a line from a Crack Smut fic that I had open- like it was smut, but not supposed to be serious it was supposed to be stupid as hell using different words to describe inappropriate things- and I had no idea how to react. She claims it was because she wanted to make sure I didn’t have any alarms on that’d wake her up- so she had to go through my open apps-??? And who so they decided it wasn’t enough to punish me for it or ban certain apps or websites- they went to my room, that I share with my younger than 15 siblings, and READ it. They READ THE FIC TO THEM-!!!! And they were characters from I show I watch that my siblings occasionally saw clips for and so now I can’t even mention the show around them.

It was a crack fic not even genuine lemons- and the lecture they gave me oh my goodness it was hard not to laugh, I was too embarrassed and just scarred from that.

They said that I was reading p*rn and that I’d get tracked for reading it and kidnapped. I don’t understand how they can read those words from the fic and think that it was all genuine it was so funkin ridiculous- My mom read it so seriously XD

#rant post #parents are weird #i can’t believe i did this #fanfiction

[mrsman]

I don’t hate peter I hate how much he hurts me I wish I could make him feel what I feel of being rejected and abandoned so maybe he’d stop doing it to me but he theoretically knows and it’s a waste of time

I’m bidding for attention I won’t even get bc I blocked him on here so what is my issue what’s my damage well if he finds a way around it to see it then why stalk to that degree but not be with me it doesn’t click to me doesn’t make sense it infuriates me I just want to be loved why be so obsessed but not present so I set traps like a child

I am being childish I only consider one guy to be with and legit I don’t even want him I just want to feel validated that it would’ve been a good match and I wasn’t crazy for liking him and it wasn’t okay for those people to shame me for having the feelings that I had I’m so tired of feeling ashamed of my romantic feelings why can’t I love someone in peace why does it always have to be this way so desperate and shameful

Why do I have to carry this burden not only am I “too perfect” for the person I want to be with but he told me I’d be humiliating myself to take him back so I feel humiliated and I expect people to agree but no one does my therapist my friends my family all support me and say it’s okay and I’m brave to want to forgive him and continue but he doesn’t see it that way I guess and I can’t know different he doesn’t tell me different I was too chicken shit to acknowledge anything I felt we spoke about “in the spirit” and he responded in kind and I read rejection

I wanted him to forgo my words and show me some kind of movement some kind of change some kind of desire and he offers me closure instead it was like he twisted everything I said to fit his agenda yet again he wasn’t listening if the reality is that we are so connected and talking to one another then why is he still not listening to me I don’t want to yell and get closure by having you leave again I don’t want this door closed you want it closed stop asking me to close it because when I tried you refused and stuck your foot in the door that was you

You won’t let go now but you’re still not around and every day the space you used to occupy grows wider and gnaws at me it’s supposed to get easier right no it gets harder and more acutely painful more precise cuts in the gut and heart I am struggling so much without you but you don’t want to be here or you’d be here am i wrong about that? I even unblocked your number I don’t know why I prayed and God said it so I did it but that’s it and now what

I’m giving up on giving up I guess I’m just leaving the door open you don’t have to lunge for it or put your foot in it it’s open come whenever you like you have my permission I don’t want to care and try to control anymore but I have to care just not control and I’m struggling this is some of the hardest shit I’ve ever had to do and it irks me that I’m getting no foreseeable reward or relationship it’s like the echos are there like yea yea you love me it’ll work out but who can really say sure God and your dad and Alex and my mom and Susan but I can’t conceptualize it and I’m struggling so much

Everything is so difficult I don’t know how people go from being with their one the one the person made for them and just stop loving them or at least put the love away and move forward how do they do that I can’t figure it out and I don’t want to either I just want to protect myself by understanding at least that I’m not being stubborn I’m just genuinely doing what I’m being told is right and this is right we’re gonna be together right? Right. So I guess I sit and I wait. Yes you have my permission. I don’t want to give it yet unless you’re ready and willing but I won’t know I’ll never know until you speak up so I guess I’ll put down my answer as yes sure. If God says no wait then I’ll come back and take this down or change my answer to not yet.

Until tomorrow then.

3/5

[zzzaaafffaaarrr]

I wanted love until I turned 15

After I turned 15 I stopped caring

But I felt guilty

We moved into this beautiful house

Everything became achievable again

It was grade 10, 2010

Before then we mostly lived in basements

I did my best to survive

I took everyone’s emotions

And I decided to love myself the most

Because if I love myself, I didn’t need to react

Once we moved here

I decided I wanna be happy

I told everyone that’s what I want from life

And to my surprise

Everyone else felt the same way

I could tell life was difficult for everyone

I learned to help myself

And I wanted other people to learn how

After highschool, 2012

I felt school was too traumatizing for me to go back

I decided to get a job at McDonald’s

I liked myself a lot

But it still felt like people didn’t understand me

I simply wanted to be useful and get a new life out of it

I got a lot of confidence at that job

I proved myself to myself

In hindsight, I really overexerted my mind and body

I didn’t wanna become a manager there

I knew that I was ashamed of the reputation

I was meant for good and healthy things

Working at jugo juice was fun

I enjoyed everything about that job

It was a lot of work

And the salad wraps created angry customers everyday

Making those wraps literally made me want to kms

But other than the exhaustion

It was pleasant

Coworkers were fun

Customers were appreciative and conversational

And I began reading psychology in my free time

I’d always been shy and anxious talking to people

But I felt like I could talk to people easier after reading some psychology

After some years at jugo, I was told that I need to get another job or go to school

Everyone was pulling me

I knew exactly what everyone wanted from me

I couldn’t stop thinking about it

It made me depressed

Because all I really wanted to do, was make art and learn things on my own

I only had one friend who encouraged that

I didn’t know what to do

So I tried to do all of it

My dad wanted me

I visited him

My mom wanted me to get another job

So I had 2 jobs

My sisters wanted me to go to school

I juggled it well in the beginning

My chest hurt but it was all going

And then it just crashed

I couldn’t get out of bed

I just wanted my chest to stop hurting

It felt like no matter how hard I try

Nobody will get better

The only person who actually listened was my friend

I love him because he literally changed to be a better friend for me

Nobody did that before

I felt like I was actually able to achieve my purpose with him

But my family just kept pulling

And my guilt drove me

My life was in shambles in 2018

Things just kept crashing down

So I ran away

To my dad

The businessman

Life became calm

Predictable

But I was going insane on the inside

I didn’t even know

I just kept going

Tried to make things better for the business

I told myself, “just do it for the money”

“Just get yourself on the will”

“Put your name on the business”

But I always do things different

I couldn’t focus on my work

I spent most of my time making art

And I didn’t want anyone to know

I just felt too guilty about it

I should’ve finished the paperwork yesterday

It literally only took a few hours

I just didn’t trust that I was gonna get anything

It felt like the story of my life

I do the hard things

For nothing but pain

The narrative of my life played this way every few years

I just wanted to trust people

But I knew these people were too fickle

I knew my parents traumas

I knew my siblings traumas

I think they know mine now too

I wanted to be the fixer of the house

If you’re struggling, I’ll do it for you

But it felt like I had to “be a man” when I tripped

And I did

I didn’t complain

I didn’t say no

I made plans and used mental tricks to keep me going

It was a little easier with my dad

Because he never brings up the past

He automatically calms me

He’s actually good for my mental health

I can give into the active and sensory around him

He kept me improving

But I don’t know why

I just got depressed again

Maybe I needed a new toy

I asked him for a MacBook

He told me to sell 3 cars

I sold 4 within the week

But I felt guilty

Did I deserve this MacBook?

What if I betray him someday?

What if this is a mistake?

What if I can’t trust his love?

I got my fun toy

But I didn’t feel I deserved it

I wanted to make art on it

But even that filled me with guilt

My dad never splurged on himself

I just saw him work and work and work

We always did the frugal thing

He tried his fucking best to make me smile

I just didn’t wanna give it to anyone

Only my friends deserved that love

After 5 or 6 months, my time with my dad ended

He wanted me to stay

I actually enjoyed the pace of his life

He treated me like a prince

I acted like his son

But I felt better thinking I was his bodyguard/driver

He didn’t accept my help with his work

I was barely focusing on my work

I had college coming up

He asked me if I could withdraw

I told him I’ll come back when I’m done

When I came back home in 2019

Everything just pounded me

The speed of everything was jarring

I could only focus on my art and music

And I had college coming up in a few weeks

I decided “fuck it”

And I just kept moving my body

It felt like I made no progress anywhere but art

When I entered the design program

I realized I’d already learned everything on my own

It was frustrating

Because the busses were exhausting

My home life became depressing and retraumatizing

I couldn’t spend any time at school because I was always worried I’d miss my last bus

Getting out of bed was an ordeal

Getting to school was exhausting

And at school, I just kept remembering past traumas

I wanted to be a chill dude, but I was overflowing with pain

When class ended, all I wanted to do was get to the bus

I wanted to get home so I could relax

Work on my homework

And possibly sleep

I’ve never been good at sleep

It’s always been difficult to sleep

I usually fall asleep after sunrise

But it’s always been fluctuating

I remember talking about it a lot around age 6 and 7

Our family doctor said it’s normal

Anyways

At some point

I stopped finishing assignments and stopped going to some classes

I just felt exhausted failing everything

I even fucked up some stuff my friends were planning because of the exhaustion

I stayed in bed for weeks

Only coming out to hang with my friends

Everything continued to fall apart

But I kept making promises to put it back together

I made so many promises to so many people

And then the pandemic happened

I felt like I died before the pandemic

And then so many people died

I got numb

I gave up

I gave up on physical existence

I made my own existence online

I could do what I want online

Nobody could tell me what to do

I could ignore everything they wanted

I could build myself my own home

I could be honest and authentic

I could make stuff beautiful

And when I go out into the real world

Nothing could effect me

If I kept my cap on

My head down

And blast some rave music

I could get through physical existence without a scratch

I can say here

I’m a virgin, and I don’t wanna care

But in the real world, people have assumptions

They’re wondering “what is he hiding by saying that”

Most doctors seem to think I’m hiding something half the time

I’m doing my best to make sense of the memories

But I compartmentalize everything

It causes locational and situational memory loss

I do my best not to be hyperbolic for effect

But I wanna be hyperbolic sometimes

When something is truly beyond words

Tho I know it causes misunderstanding

So maybe I should be more responsible with my understanding of my past

Regardless, I don’t know what I’m doing here

It just feels better to spew here

I do what I like

I don’t really wanna change for people

I just wanna make things a bit better for myself and others

I guess I’ll see how I feel when I read this over