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cinnamonest · 3 years

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I feel like I’ve found my kin, I fell in love with Kakashi when I was like 8 LOL. Can I request some general yandere Zoro headcanons btw? I loved/still love him too 😶

Yes you may ahhh!!!! I love Zoro so much. I love writing for fandoms like this bc shounen anime are... Well, shounen, they're aimed at dudes, so they tend to not have as large of a female audience so there's not a lot of content out there. I love Luffy and there's like zero girl-targeted content for him. I swear I've spent so much time looking for wholesome, decent LuNa (my otp im sorry i just hhhh) doujins that aren't super male-oriented, and there's like... 2. For a 900+ episode anime. 2.

I also love the concept of a yandere in a situation where they CAN'T kidnap you, they're limited by their circumstances, so they have to kind of adjust or go insane. It's an interesting dynamic because it eliminates the norm for yanderes.

I think I mentioned this but I'm not 100% caught up with one piece (I mean, who is?), so I'm just keeping it simplistic and going with kinda basic Zoro and nothing with specific character developments or any spoilers other than his backstory

Yandere Roronoa Zoro (One Piece)

Tws: all the usuals -- yandere, noncon, kidnapping

He meets you while he's lost. I'm sorry I just. Zoro gets lost in the middle of some place they're docked, and you're just such a sweetheart, you see this guy clearly not knowing where he's going, and offer to help him. He's kind of taken aback by your softness and sweetness.

He's not easily made aware of his own feelings. He's a rough and tough sort of guy, and he has dedicated himself to swordsmanship so much that he's neglected to focus on himself and his interpersonal relationships, and he's not really self aware at all of his own feelings, very out of touch with his emotions.

Obviously, even if he tries to shove it down, Kuina weighs heavily on his mind in relation to you. He's another man that has known loss and it's dealt its damage on his psyche. He can't lose another person who's dear to him again.

This results in him becoming insanely protective, one of the most protective yans out there. He's easily one led into paranoia delusions regarding your safety. However, he's an honest and reasonable guy and can be level-headed when confronted. If someone (not yourself, as he thinks you're naive, but maybe another girl like Nami or Robin) tells him he's being overprotective and exaggerating about your safety, he may actually have a moment of self-realization and admit to it. He's capable of being reasonable enough to see it once it's pointed out to him. However... this doesn't stop him. He tries, really, he genuinely tells himself that he needs to stop. But his instincts just kind of take over. It's an impulse, to stop you from doing even the most slightly dangerous things.

Once you join the Straw Hat Crew, he just kinda... clings. It's a silent presence, but he's always there, constantly seems to show up wherever you are. Unfortunately, you can't really... get away from him per se. You're kinda limited to one ship, at least as long as you're out on the sea. Your only option for respite is going to your room or bathing, otherwise, he's gonna follow you, even if he's not saying anything and (very badly) trying to feign indifference, pretending you just happen to be going the same way all the time. He doesn't really know what to say, he's not good with these things, and often he's acting without really thinking too much about it. He won't usually strike up a conversation, he just... is there. Watches. May awkwardly ask a question or make a passing comment.

One scenario I imagine is you jokingly picking up one of his swords and wielding it around giggling and he just flips out, takes it from you and yells at you not to do that, are you an idiot? Do you want to trip and fall and have that impale you? Do you realize how easy it would be for you to slice your arm open by accident? It's startling to both you and anyone watching -- even for someone who gets yell-y as easily as him, it seems like an overreaction. He'll apologize but insist it's a safety thing, really.

And he really tries to hide his more... aggressive nature, because he thinks it will drive you away -- he's a blunt, tough guy with a short-fused temper, and he thinks that's definitely not something women like very much. He tries not to yell at you, not get mad so easy, keep his calm better around you, and might even be nicer to others so that you don't think he's mean. And for the most part, he can manage that. Except when it comes to a very specific, very problematic blonde crew member. His little conflicts with Sanji get worse, to even a point that he's snapping at him so frequently that even Sanji himself is a bit bewildered and caught off guard by it. The others notice they fight a lot more often... and Zoro always seems to instigate it, picking quarrels over the littlest things. In reality, he's afraid of the other's... sleazy nature. He can't have you falling for that bastard. He even starts to get jittery when you're in the presence of Franky, Usopp, hell even Luffy of all people. It's noticeable, and everyone kinda worries for him.

He kicks himself for it as soon as he does it, but he finds himself insulting you nonetheless. It's a terrible habit. He gets so awkward and flustered that it's second nature for him to say something snarky or even rude when you talk to him, and he immediately is just mentally screaming at himself for doing so. This will get a bit better with time, though, if you two talk more often.

Now, even if you can fight, you're never gonna really get the opportunity. In battle, he's clinging to you and protecting you at every moment, even if it costs the others some unnecessary wounds. It's highly uncharacteristic of him, and they notice. He won't leave your side, insisting that you're a weak fighter and that he has to take care of you. You just don't get it, you overestimate yourself, you underestimate your enemies, you're a girl. What, Nami and Robin? Well, they've been at this much longer than you, and they had rough upbringings. You're different. You're soft... fragile. You just can't see it. You're lucky he's here to protect your dumbass.

Due to your setup, well, he can't really kidnap you per se. He undoubtedly would if you two were somewhere else, in another life or another setting, but that's not really an option, and even as a yandere, he would never go so far as to kill or abandon his crew. So, he's stuck with just... slowly, slowly mentally deteriorating.

Now, he's not capable of kidnapping, he's not smart enough to really manipulate you into anything (although he WILL tell you that some of the other guys are out to use you), so, he's left to be the guard dog he inevitably becomes to you. If you avoid him, he'll just follow you. If you don't talk to him, that's ok. If you confront him, he'll just insist he has no idea what you're talking about, and you'll start to feel like maybe you're just paranoid. The others... don't really know what to do, to be honest. I can see Nami/Robin potentially confronting him, but in the end, they can't force him to change his behaviors, and they can't afford to lose him. This results in, gradually, everyone slowly kind of accepting your dynamic onboard. They feel bad for you, really, but... in the end, Zoro's just more valuable to the crew. Sorry. They're not gonna get rid of him, but they don't want to get rid of you either.

If you leave? It may just be one of the very very few things that could ever cause him to leave the Strawhats. It would tear him up, really, it goes against his dreams, his pride, his loyalty, but in the end... his loyalty is first and foremost to you. He'll follow you if you leave. It's a bad move on your part, because this gets rid of the only thing standing between you and kidnapping. Which, at that point, surely will happen. Like his other behaviors, he'll feel bad, he'll try and stop himself, tell himself it's wrong, but you'll end up bound in some dark basement nonetheless. He's one to take a very simple approach. Find you alone, sling you up and over his shoulder and carry you off before anyone can come.

Rejection doesn't faze him. No matter what, he'll remain by your side. Even if you never love him in return. It's just his nature, he's a guardian through and through.

In the end, he'll be right there by your side, scaring off any competitors, clinging to you like glue, ever in your presence like a shadow, forever. Whether you want him to or not. He's just an inescapable force, an unmovable object, and you're wasting your time trying to change your fate.

Now, he's very flustered with anything sexual. Highly embarrassed, lots of shame, and doesn't talk much about it. It just kind of happens. He doesn't talk much during, mostly grunts and the occasional fuck when you clamp down, occasionally asking you if you're ok, if it hurts, if it feels good. It's one of the only very soft sides of him. In the end, he really, truly loves you, and doesn't want to hurt you, he wants you to feel good and just love him. It's a very different side to him, one no one else has ever really seen, it's the most vulnerable he himself has ever been with another person.

He feels shame for it, but initially he'll definitely be one to steal your things, sit outside of your room at night, listening to you through the wall, try and get glimpses of you bathing or dressing. He really, really feels guilty, and he's one that will, once you're comfortably restrained and never going anywhere, just sit down and list out every nasty little thing he's ever done regarding you, just to get it off his chest. He understands if you react badly, and he'll apologize, which is a bit ironic considering how much worse kidnapping you is.

He'll apologize for that, too. He's actually one to do so a lot. He's normally a proud guy, but with this? He knows it's wrong, he knows it's fucked up. He knows he can't stop. And he'll be sorry to the moon and back. Just never sorry enough to stop.

He's actually a pretty vanilla guy. Hand-holding missionary type. And, despite being so embarrassed over it all, oddly romantic about it. It's one of the only things he's ever soft and gentle about, it's almost unbelievable to you that he's capable of being so gentle and slow with anything. But he'll kiss your forehead, really take his time with it all, make you cum on his fingers before ever actually fucking you. Hold your hand, look into your eyes. It would be honestly incredibly sweet if it weren't... you know, taking place in some dark sealed off room after dragging you there against your will.

If he's particularly mad, he can get rougher, but he'll apologize after. It's a lot of harsh grabbing, biting, it leaves bruises that he'll rub over softly, whispering an apology, even if a little part of him likes the way it looks on you.

#lena's asks #yandere x reader #yandere zoro #yandere one piece

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wxsuthorn · 4 years

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a sort of organised analysis of The Gifted characters

pt. 1: Pang

(this analysis includes episodes 1-13 of season one and 1-7 of season two, so it probably isn’t completely accurate, but i tried my best. also please excuse grammar or spelling errors that i might’ve made cuz i write these late at night when my creativity sparks lmao)

Characteristics and qualities in the beginning of season 1

Even in the very first episode, Pang already showed some idealistic qualities. He always thought that the school system wasn’t fair, and he always tried doing the right thing (or what he thought was the right thing). His idealism wasn’t as extreme in the very beginning of the show, since he wasn’t as confident in his abilities. He probably didn’t have much interest in changing the school system when he (and the people around him) saw him as a dumb kid from classroom 8. Getting into the Gifted Program was what affected his idealism to the point where it became a fault.

Before he discovered his potential, he was most likely very confused about his “academic rank”. He was in classroom 8, yet he was in the Gifted Program... but he hadn’t found his potential yet. I can imagine him questioning his worth and how significant he really was; he was also one of the first kids in the gifted class to outwardly express how they felt about the unfair treatment of the ordinary students compared to the gifted students. This was probably because he got to experience both ends of the unequal treatment, unlike the rest of his gifted classmates.

In terms of intelligence, Pang is street smart. In episode one he thought of a distraction to not get caught stealing the test. He also used the egg drop parachute to save his phone. He is innovative and can create ideas and identify problems. In episode one (again), he noticed that Wave was sweating and seemed weak. He also noticed Ohm’s bloody nose and Mon moving a locker full of weights. He was aware of shit... but he’s not very aware of other people’s feelings... at least not fully.

Pang’s friendship with Nac hits different after the pangwave fight but anyways... Pang knew that he didn’t use the cheat sheet, and he couldn’t tell Nac anything about the Gifted Program, so he probably didn’t fully understand why Nac was so upset when he technically did nothing wrong. Nac even said he wasn’t upset that Pang was in the Gifted Program. I think that’s why Pang never talked it out with him and just kinda exploded at him. Even though he may see himself as empathetic, it’s really just him being idealistic. He mistakes his ideals about equality for empathy, when, in fact, those are two separate things. When it comes to individual people, I don’t think he’s very good at understanding them thoroughly enough. Nac’s reasons for being upset with Pang are realistic and valid. He’s in class 1, Pang’s in class 8, yet Pang was the one who got into the Gifted Program. Nac gave Pang a cheat sheet, and even though Pang denies using it, he couldn’t really believe that he got in with the grades he has. And on top of that, Pang doesn’t even tell him what happens in the class. Nac feels used and excluded, but Pang wasn’t paying attention to that. He ended up blaming the unfair system, which was just a factor of the conflict, but never took a moment to look at what he himself could’ve done to help the conflict, or even what he might’ve done wrong. but issokay cuz pang is a smol bean and i love him

Characteristics and qualities in the middle - the end of season 1

Lets talk about Pang discovering his potential in episode 6. He first noticed it when he told Nac to bang his head on a metal bar. This wasn’t the first time he used his potential on Nac, though. In the first episode he used it on him and said something like “don’t talk to me ever again”, and so Nac didn’t communicate with again him until episode 6. This was when Pang used his potential on him saying “why can’t we just talk it out?” and Nac was finally able to communicate his frustration. Nac was blaming Pang for shit he didn’t do and it was unreasonable, according to Pang, but Nac didn’t know the full story. If you look at the way Nac sees things: Pang is in the Gifted Program, Pang used me to get into the program (because there’s no way he just got in without using my cheat sheet), I got punished when Wave provoked me and Pang tried playing hero, as if he was some perfect angel. Pang has new friends, he has no use for me anymore, I don’t need him either, I find new friends, Pang suddenly joins in, everything goes haywire, my anger and frustration towards him explodes, and he just ignores what I’m feeling and tells me that I’m wrong and that I’m an asshole. Like I did something wrong, and he’s perfectly innocent. Lmao Nac is salty af. And he has a good reason to be. Pang doesn’t understand Nac’s thinking, and on top of that, he makes almost no effort to understand. His beliefs blind him into thinking he’s done no wrong.

Now lets talk about his actual potential, and how it affects him. His ego and self esteem rises, but Pang doesn’t notice it. It’s explained in the end of season 1 that the reason Pang lost is because he wanted to do everything on his own because he thought that only he was able to defeat the director. His ideals and his ego are very closely connected. Pang teams up with Wave because he thinks that Wave will be the most useful to stop Director Supot. Now, I don’t think Pang doesn’t care about his friends, but his actions are neglectful. When Pang teams up with Wave, he tells none of his other friends about what he’s doing. He doesn’t tell Namtaan or Ohm, literally his two closest friends, and convinces himself that he’s doing it to protect them. News flash, he isn’t. He’s trying to be a hero. His ego rapidly increasing might be because of how he was constantly ridiculed when he was in classroom 8, and suddenly he gets this power that makes him “superior” to ordinary people. Another possibility is that his ego was already big, but we he only showed it/applied it when he was trying to take down Director Supot.

Now lets talk about the season 1 finale: Pang becomes aware of his ego through the director foiling his plan and humiliating him. This is a big part of his development as a character. Ofc in season 2 he still has a problem with neglecting and doing things solo, but he become a little more aware, and for 2 whole year’s he’s able to somewhat-effectively lead the gifted gang in their fight against the anti-gifted.

Characteristics and qualities in season two (up until episode 7)

Lets discuss: Ms Darin. aka ms loser. Remember in the beginning of episode 7 where he trusted her cuz of what she said and he noticed her actions (oop remember this trait from before? he’s aware of shit!), but it turned out it was all lies. He eventually got back on track after Third showed him the truth, and was smart enough not to trust Ms. Darin after that. I wanna guess that the reason he started trusting Ms. Darin so easily (other than what she said and did) is because he was in distress from failing Korn and Time. He needed some support, and he wouldn’t let his friends support him because “im a hero blah blah blah i dont wanna worry my friends they dont need to help me with my burdens cuz i can do it on my own :D” season 1 Pang type shit. Ms. Darin was an adult who seemed trustworthy enough, plus Director Supot was gone, and he was the main antagonist in season 1, so isn’t everything only gonna get better now that he’s gone? Plus when Grace said that he sounds like the adults lksdjlkjslfjjsdf THAT HIT ME.

Now I wanna talk about him with Chanon. I’m praying that Chanon is pure and not corrupted because if he is he might’ve used Pang and might do so in the future too... but let’s not focus on that. Pang finally has a mentor-figure in his life that he looks up. Someone to balance out his ego and show him that he can’t do everything on his own. yeah that’s all i have to say about that.

Punn. “You’re done, Pang.” Yeah lets talk about that because holy mcnuggets. Punn knows Pang well enough to know how intensely idealistic and passionate he is. Once the director is gone, Punn is like, bitch u got nothing else to obsess over MOVE ON. He’s basically saying Pang’s existence was so heavily tied with fixing the school system that when eveything’s fixed, he’ll be “done.” It’s similar to Five from the Umbrella Academy, where his whole life was set on fixing the apocalypse that he felt that life had no meaning without an apocalypse to prevent.

Now let’s talk about PangWave... I truly believe that Pang sees Wave as his equal, as his friend, and as a person whom he cares for deeply. His ego and idealism, topped with all the stress he’s going through (by himself), are dangerous towards his relationships. Wave feels used by Pang, and explains how Pang only comes to him when he needs his help, and avoids him when he disagrees with what Pang thinks. Pang is so fixated on his ideals and beliefs that he will do anything to make sure they become a reality. He’s obsessed, and it’s sooooo bad for his relationships with others. It shows that even on Namtaan’s bday, he can only think about “doing the right thing”, because that’s his number 1 priority. PANG JUST GIVE URSELF A BREAK PLEASE TAKE A METAL HEALTH DAY JUST SLKJFLSDKJJD MEDITATE OR SMTH.

I could type for several hours longer but I think this is enough word vomit for this post.

Summary

- VERY IDEALISTIC !!!! TO A FAULT

- He has somewhat of an inflated ego, but uses his ideals and beliefs to cover it up and convince himself that he is a “good person”

- He overworks his brain by never thinking of himself or other people’s emotions and focuses on his idealistic goals and his idealistic goals ONLY.

- He’s very aware of the things’s around him, and is street smart, but he’s not as aware when it comes to other people’s feelings and thoughts.

- He cares for his friends, but his extreme idealism ends up hurting them, and in turn hurting himself and further encouraging him to self-isolate.

- Independent, but this is mostly due to him thinking that he can handle problems on his own and he doesn’t want to get others involved.

- He is becoming more aware of his wrong actions, hence him apologising to Wave about going after Korn without him, but not enough to actually prevent these wrong actions.

- didn’t talk about this much but GUILT!!! I can tell that he feels immense guilt (especially in the latest episodes) whenever one of his friends get hurt and he’s very involved in what got them hurt. However, when it comes to hurting people emotionally, his guilt is tricky to read. At least for me it is lmao. Cuz he doesn’t always fully understand his friends’ feelings because he can’t always admit that he’s done something wrong, but with the recent pangwave fight he definitely felt some type of guilt there. Or maybe it was frustration? idk skjdflajsdfl someone else step in on this one pls

- He needs rest and a mental break. And some therapy maybe? Like please can one caring adult help this poor child.

- His character is actually pretty consistent wow the writing in this show is great.

- a cute boi who needs a hug. Preferably from Wave and/or Ohm.

#the gifted graduation #tgg #tgg spoilers #the gifted #the gifted series #nanon korapat #pangwave #the gifted pang #character analysis #pang character analysis #the gifted character analysis

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og-danny-dorito · 4 years

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Bucky Barnes SFW Headcanons

a new hyperfixation to avoid my growing anxiety with my personal life? yall already know whats up, and i'm feeling angsty so brace yourself

PUBLISHED : 2 - 17 - 20

S F W :

- to start off of a positive and happy note (jk you already know thats not how it works) its very likely that upon first meeting, any touch directed towards him is met with an alarmed grunt and/or a slap of your hand away

- anything unsolicited makes him nervous and uncomfortable, so if you really do want to pat his shoulder or hug him or something like that you'd have to ask if it's okay first. now it's pretty easy to see the reasoning behind this but for those doubting it i will explain

- big man has been trained to kill in hand to hand combat and advanced weaponry and countless other things, meaning that he's pretty much wired by this point to have a gut reaction that automatically goes to the fight or flight instinct. it doesn't make logical sense that he wouldn't get uncomfortable and jumpy at loud noises and unsolicited touching since his ptsd has accumulated over the years to MAKE him react like that. he doesn't want to accidentally punch you in the teeth

- like yeah he's all tough and shit and could break the a dude’s neck if he really tried, but the issue is that once his walls are broken down he's sort of akin to that of a regulated killing machine having to redo its wiring to be “normal” again. the transition itself would be traumatic, but the process of initiating it would be even more difficult

- so that means that in the first few months of his recovery, he probably would do a lot of absent-minded staring and just long spells of silence where he just doesn't do anything. it's sort of like a reloading point for his brain, and he starts to pick up the habit of daydreaming a lot. sometimes you'll have to say his name a few times to snap him out of it, but when he does come to he looks a little embarrassed

- it's not that easy to elicit an emotional reaction out of him. you'd have to be fairly close with him to actually get most responses out of him that are more than a word long, and so thus starts my favorite trope; hard depressed kill man falls for person who just Keeps Trying

- it's not that easy to get under his skin, but meeting him somewhere normally and constantly talking to him will probably start to make him feel more encouraged to speak in the sense of making normal conversation

- he's a little awkward so in this case patience goes a long way (as does with pretty much everything with him). it gets to the point where after a month or so he may feel weird if he doesn't talk to you at that specific time of the day. if he's grown that fond of you he'll even go out of his way to ask a few people where you are

- part of him hates getting this attached for a number of reasons. there's that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that his environment is temporary and getting attached to the things and people there will hurt him more than he'd like. while he knows that it's not temporary, that he's not leaving anytime soon and probably won't for a while, it all goes back to the killing machine thing

- when he was under hydra’s control, the only thing that was certain was the base he resided in and it's hard to come out of a state of mind where the only thing you know to be continuous is your continued existence as a tool. the place itself brings back horrible memories, but you get what i mean

- so initially he may resist conversation for that very reason

- he tends to pick up on details more than anything, and most of your smaller traits tend to make him quickly used to you. like for instance, if you're prone to pursuing your lips and narrowing your eyes at something odd you've heard or seen, he might find it cute mentally and then immediately correct himself for it. if you tend to snort a little and roll your eyes when you laugh, he's going to notice that and MAYBE try to pay more attention when something funny is said to hear it again

- i would generally think that he doesn't really have much a type or preference at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure the only thing he seemed consciously aware of that he likes in a partner is ability to understand. cause if you can't forgive him for the things he's done and see why he does what he does now, he can't bring himself to feel like he needs to go through all of his self hatred and doubt more intensely than he already is

- he probably is asexual as well but that's sort of iffy considering he's canon been in sexual relationships so that's a maybe. but he's definitely demiromantic. it's not that easy for him to find people attractive anymore. when he starts to get to know you better he starts feeling some sort of way and picking up on MORE details that you may not even notice yourself

- bucky is also incredibly skilled at remembering things you might've said a month ago and completely forgot about. some find this off putting and that's understandable, but when it comes down to it, its a product of sorta okay memory

- “My cousin almost flipped his car over this week.”

- “Phillipe?”

- “Uh, yeah. How did you...?”

- “You mentioned him two weeks ago... when he almost fell of your roof the week before.”

- “I did?”

- remembers dates, names, eye colors, and a multitude of other things, so sometimes he'll just mention something important you may have forgotten and pretend like he definitely wasn't paying too much attention to you. it's surprising how good his memory is even though he can't remember any of his past. so this most likely means that he has issues with remembering events and how they happened, but not the details of them. like how you can remember your shirt color a few week s back but not what you did while wearing that shirt

- and on that note, he kinda shuts down if he gets a weird flashback in the middle of something. they're mostly triggered by smells and sounds, but sometimes if he sees something while he's walking down the street he'll just stop and stare at it. it's best just to stop and stare at it with him, or alternatively if you don't want stares, act like you're taking a picture. but don't talk to him while it's happening cause it'll interrupt the train of thought and derail him completely

- he tends to talk a lot about things if he's grown very invested in them (he's very good at keeping focus). if you're out walking together or just sitting down he might stare and absentmindedly reach out to touch you before stopping himself at the last minute. gently grabbing his hand and placing it wherever he wanted to touch makes him flustered every time. that and hes super soft but is afraid to be vulnerable around anyone

- just gently grabbing his hand makes him all mushy, and it’s more often than not that he finds himself weak when someone shows pretty much any form of affection or endearment towards him

- probably not into pda though, not that much. he will hold your hand if you want to, but don’t expect to like sit in his lap or like straight upstart kissing in public cause any attention in a public setting makes him nervous

- really likes a kind of homey s/o. someone who likes to cook or bake or whatever makes him feel a little bit like he doesn't have to worry about something for a while. like if he comes home and dinner is just waiting on the table for him or you’ve already drawn a bath for him and/or made the bed or whatever, he literally appreciates that above pretty much anything else

- love language is most likely acts of service. hes not very good with words unless he like thinks it out beforehand, but pretty much buys you gifts all the time because he likes seeing you light up when you see them. he does try to spend as much time as he can with you but either anxiety gets the best of him or hes literally too busy, and so it ends up being more distant with him coming over a few times during the week, even if you live together. and we already know the deal with physical touch so im not gonna restate my strong belief in “big man has trauma no touch big man unless A S K”

- but a lot of the things he does are situational. one day he may be very down to be super affectionate and the other he’ll be painfully distant, but the main issue with all of it is that hes very very bad at communication

- this poses an issue for a number of reasons, but his responses and reactions are more physical than anything. so for instance, if hes uncomfortable with something he’ll start to shift and stare and be very tense the whole time it’s occurring, or if he’s feeling a bit more sad or depressed he’ll isolate himself and consistently stand slouched or look as if he hasn't gotten enough sleep. it’s mostly body language, but after a while he’ll feel safe enough to tell you how he feels about certain things

- this takes a while to actually happen, but when it does he manages to just,,, say things that are on his mind. like you’ll be reading or scrolling through your phone or whatever and he’ll randomly be like “The table has a lot of scratches on it.” it’s just observations he has, but usually it translates to him wanting to change the stated fact. best thing to do is just to roll with it, since hes practically learning how to communicate again and he’s picking up on things socially

- now let's get to the “a little fluffy” and “kinda-already-known” shit, shall we?

- miscellaneous headcanons;

gets jealous pretty easily in the early stages of your relationship, but only ever indicates this by staring the person in question down and refusing to admit to it later

likes having his hair put up into cool hairstyles and likes colored rubber bands (or hair ties if youre not where i'm from). seriously, he may loose his shit if you just like put cool braids in his hair one day like hes a viking or whatever

kind of tone deaf but his singing is more of like this raspy and slightly more “Misty Mountains” vocals sounding

is touch sensitive, so even doing something as small as like rubbing your thumb on his arm makes his hair raise on end

doesn't like his metal arm at all and quite obviously wears long sleeves all the time to hide it, but occasionally wears short sleeves when he's feeling less insecure

oh, super insecure btw and THATS why he feels all mushy when someone is kind to him because he KNOWS he's a freak and that he's weird but you're not still being sweet??? too pure, must protect

gives great hugs since he practically smothers anyone he meets with them, but is also basically a walking heater

is terrified of the idea of taking care of children or just anything weaker than him, but is good with them since they always hang on his arms and hold his legs when he walks

super strong

likes sweets a whole lot, specifically fruity sweets like apple pie or peach cobbler. never bring those wallmart cakes or whatever near him cause it'll be gone in like an hour flat unless you tell him to leave you some

- in conclusion, he needs therapy and probably won't be very responsive when he's not sure what to do. it doesn't mean he loves you any less, but he may have a hard time communicating it to you. all he really needs is some patience and a bit of understanding, and he'll get better with the whole s/o thing soon enough. cause you mean the world to him, and he doesn't want anyone or anything to make you feel like less than that

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bardovelho · 5 years

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3rd Habitversary in 2019

Today , April 14th, I celebrate my 3rd year Habitversary. The second one was skipped, forgotten along with all my tasks and Habitica itself, by the time I was experiencing my longest, hardest, and most teaching burnout of my Habitican life!

I learned that burnouts happen to me when I take too much pressure on myself and have too many difficult Dailies that I can't face. So, I faced not a single one instead of trying to do the best that I can, by avoiding Habitica almost completely. The magical key to break this bad vicious cycle is to Rest in the Inn WHILE doing the Dailies that I feel like doing, with no pressure. Then, I will only leave the Inn when I'm able to reach one Perfect Day, maybe 3 to make sure. This way, I'll still be leveling up, building motivation, but with no stress. Because Habitica is not about adding all the tasks that I can remember and doing as much as (im)possible; it's a tool to build motivation, which will generate progressive productivity. It can be like a muscle\battery of will power (as I read in The Power Of Habit), if well designed and oiled.

The (other) problem is that I'm now noticing that each task is unique, and it only stays without change when I don't evolve in it. So, it's a good thing to constantly adapt (at least, the most important) tasks title and description accordingly to my evolutions and consequent adaptation of new techniques that I'm building. This means that I need, with great awareness, to periodically check if each task is working as it should, and edit it accordingly to how it should be right now, specially Dailies and Habits. I'm thinking about adding a monthly revision about this. Adding monthly summaries instead of only the weekly ones helps a lot, too.

I'm now facing 20 dailies and more, the double of what I could do in the past, and challenging my comfort zone every day, without breaking the Perfect Day streak (I'm amazed with myself every day!). The Big Mountain of ToDo's is still to be conquered, but I'm managing it slowly: I'm using a dedicated Trello board to manage this, but it needs a serious update.

Priority monsters of the past (that is, during 1st Habitversary): I'm getting much better with my passive-aggressive behavior (thanks to a dedicated Habit), and avoiding conflict like a stealth ninja. But the world is a mess, so I'll still find opportunities for better training. I'm also understanding others better, but there will be always room for improvement on this topic. Plus, I'm building positivity and optimism behavior. These all might look like simpler things nowadays, but after reading my 1st Habitversary, I noticed how I was really struggling with these. Evolving on these issues made my life significantly better.

Tools: Forest has become a game changer for my Pomodoro Technique: I now have a tree code: Starry Tree and Rainbow Flower - Frogodoro (priorities) Moon Tree and Ghost Mushroom - Work after midnight Cactus and Ball Cactus - Avoiding priorities, but working Scarecrow and Pumpkin - Procrastinating Treehouse, Rafflesia - Domestic tasks (previously Habitica Tasks) Nest - Nap Ginkgo and Sunflower- Professional Wisteria - Writing, paperwork Mushroom - Plan Still working on it (specially the tags), but these ones will probably stay. The rooms are specially motivating, since I can invite someone else to work at the same time as me, helping me to share the burden and avoid laziness. I have now a LOT of Forest friends, and I'm very happy that some of those are Habiticans. Some conclusions: The 1st Pomodoro of the day is always the hardest. Frogodori make the day easier and easier. Habitica public challenges improve my Pomodoro dedication.

Duolingo is my go to App to start learning a language, and I'm in a streak with more than 100 consecutive days. Anki is now also used for affirmations: very useful! Trello is used for several projects that involve several tasks, and I find this very organizing, especially when I add specific quality tags to each board. IFTTT adds some cards. RescueTimer is still running on the background, but I haven't checked it for months. OneNote has more detailed notes about how I play Habitica: after this big burnout I struggled a lot to remember what each symbol and task meant, so now I have a dedicated section with everything that I'm doing regarding game mechanics (plus extra notes from specific tasks), because I can't trust my memory every time. Stylish is my permanent eye saver companion when using Habitica site (added some personal styles too), and the Chrome\Firefox extension Dark Mode (#4 (pitch dark)) is very useful, also. WunderList is not perfectly configured and I'm lazy to make it work, but will probably be using it again. Productivity Challenger and Toggl are the only two tools that I stop using since my last celebrated Habitversary.

Future ideas (brainstorming): Hard Mode: Forest in Hard Mode (every second I lose a little bit of focus, a tree dies). Try first: tree dies after 2nd or 3rd distraction. Wardrobe limits: Thinking about paying GP + a negative medium Habit every time I want to change a piece of battle equipment. I'm always using the best equipment for the best Habitica points, and because now I can beat this strategy, it's probably making the game too easier, and less dynamic. Timeclock: if I don't do a Daily by x hour or x hours after waking up, press a specific negative Habit. Offline experiment: Going back to Wunderlist, or use another extension that syncs to Habitica Dailies (shouldn't be Habits because they don't have 21 streaks). Try other extensions to improve game mechanics, automation and time spent on managing Habitica tasks. I need to reduce the time that I spent with habit tracking: although it's giving me great results, it's also probably consuming more energy and time than it should, I suspect.

Other notes: Depression and anxiety still attack from time to time, but now I have tasks and list of routines that I can do to prevent and recover from it faster than ever before, and healthier! Adding the Morning and Go To Bed Ritual is being very difficult, so instead of risking to lose the Perfect Day streak, I prefer to use my second account to get familiar and test this new routine. I inserted a limiting cheat system for Dailies: to skip a Daily, I have to pay 100 GP for each 1000 GP that I own, I can't do this more than 3 times per day, I also have to press 3 negative habits, and a £ marker needs to be added as a checklist item. A Daily cannot have more than 3 £ markers, and every time I want to remove a marker, I have to pay the same penalty as before. This makes me delay the Daily (and pay a penalty) instead of really skipping it, and if a Daily has 3 markets then I know that I really have to spend special focused time on it! I also added a -£ option, for when I do twice as much of that Daily than I should on that day. This helps me to keep doing my daily goals around the time that they need to be done, instead of EXACTLY at the time they need to be done. It brings more flexibility to the daily routines, and helps me to not avoid them, because I delay them instead of skipping them. It also makes me be focused on several Pomodori for a specific task instead of a single one per day.

I'm now (30/04/2019, updating and revising this text) on my 3rd Adventure, at level 103. I'll make a better resume of this 3rd Adventure In the beginning of next month.

P.S.: I just now realized that I haven't published the Report of my second adventure yet! So that's why I was delaying this Habitversary update… Oh well, I have to deal with it next month too. More to come!!

#Habitica #Habitversary #EN

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eyecicles · 5 years

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i'm autistic...i've known for about 6 years now, and i was diagnosed pretty late (17) and in secret. my mom doesnt believe in autism, calls it "all in my head", and she doesnt take the resulting depression and anxiety seriously either. she yells at me for everything i've come to learn has to do with my autism, and claims to have read and researched everything but i know she hasnt (or if she has, its been 1 or 2 unreliable articles) /1

whenever i break and tell her she’s yelling at me for something outside of my control (for example, being uncomfortable with sudden changes in plans or making eye contact) she starts talking about how if i keep saying it to myself i’ll never get better and i should acknowledge the problem and stuff like that. she doesnt want me to go to therapy and if i must, its gonna be someone she picks out and i really dont want to go there

im kinda scared of therapy as it is because ive lived my whole life this way and im worried that i’ll lose bits of my personality if i start to change (even if its for the better) and i dont want to go but i also know that i should, and i also really want an official diagnosis from someone whose opinion actually counts (because mine sure as fuck doesnt) so that my parents could get off my back about these things. im really confused about how to explain shit to them

and how to approach this whole thing because im so tired of having to constantly adapt to every new thing she insists on especially when im not mentally ready for it. she doesnt take my mental health seriously or considers it a priority and then tries to act like she cares (she does care, i know that, but her approach is all wrong) but refuses to take my opinion on it anyway, even tho im clearly the one suffering most. ive even told her (after a long time) that she hurts me but she wont stop

im sorry to dump this all on you but none of my friends have problems like this and my family doesnt believe in MIs because of the stigma around them here, and i dont know who else to ask for advice from. if you could give me anything at all, i’d appreciate it so much

_____________________________________________________________

Hmm, I don’t exactly know what you mean with "diagnosed in secret”. You don’t have access to any papers or anything else you could use as proof?

Asking the people who diagnosed you for something like a certification would be your easiest option, of course. But if that’s, for some reason, not possible, I would advice you to either talk to someone from an autism counselling centre (if that’s a thing where you live) or your doctor. They will help you find out how to get an official diagnosis, because I definitely think that would be your best course of action.

I unfortunately know a lot of parents who treat their autistic child like your mother does. And some of them refuse to accept the truth even when they’re confronted with hard facts and actual evidence, like a professional diagnosis. I think what helped a lot of people is talking about autism in a way that humanises us. Showing them interviews, videos or books by other autistic people in similar situations, with similar struggles, or just talking about as neutral as possible. No method is infallible, sadly, but I found that normalising or talking about the more positive aspects of autism will sometimes change the minds of parents with autistic children. Sometimes only to some degree and very slowly, but it’s still better than nothing, I suppose.

My parents were quick to accept that I’m autistic, but they’re pretty much like your mother when it comes to mental illnesses. It’s a very tricky situation and a topic I’m trying to avoid with them. I personally don’t think that changing the perspectives of one’s parents should be anyone’s main focus though, even if their words still hurt. Self acceptance and getting the help you might need are infinitely more important in the end.

I understand your concerns about therapy, I really do. Almost every autistic person has a comorbid diagnosis (I think it’s about 90%), or several, and getting the right kind of therapy is often unavoidable if we want to get better. But that’s also why it can be important to get an official diagnosis: regular therapy, with someone who doesn’t know a whole lot about autism (because let’s face it: even mental health professionals mostly know jack shit about autism if they didn’t study it) is often times almost completely fruitless. A good therapist won’t try to change your personality and autism symptoms by the way.

I know you said that your mother would want to pick your therapist, but it’s not for her to decide. Especially not when you’ve got the diagnosis, because the psychologists in charge will recommend you therapists that are well-versed in autism and the unique struggles we face. If you have still concerns about your mother, you can and should bring this up with those people as well! They will know how to best handle situations like yours, since it’s sadly not that uncommon.

The first step is usually the hardest. But to me it sounds like you desperately need to change something about your situation - you can see yourself that you won’t convince your mother the way you tried. But a diagnosis and therapy can help you in so many ways you might not even be aware of yet. It’s of course not a magical remedy to all your problems, but I think the fact that you reached out to me already shows that you’re on the right path. You seem to fully realise yourself that it can’t go on like that. Which is great!

So yes, my advice would be to first talk to someone from an Autism Centre of Excellence (or however it’s called where you’re from, it should be easy enough to find online) (you can usually e-mail them as well, if you don't want to call) or a doctor.

Another thing: if you haven’t already, I think it could help to check out the autism community online. There are many people in similar situations, with similar concerns, and just reading about other autistic people’s experiences online helped me a great deal. You can for example check out the #actuallyautistic tag on tumblr, or this blog. If you like, you can of course ask me more questions, of course.

I wish you the best of luck, anon!

#answered ask #anon #not dn

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aircoil50 · 3 years

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Do Not Use your Cell phone in Sociable Environments

Is incredibly common for all of us to use somebody else's cellphone also to be each of our very first time. In doing so , were looking to duplicate that initial sense of independence a mobile phone provides. A family member in another express was in the hospital. It was a Saturday nighttime, and I have been invited into a party. Rather than being away having fun I was sitting in my apartment, waiting for the phone to call, restless for reports. It was a pal who lend me his cell phone to make certain I will understand any reports as soon as possible, and in addition, be able to go to the get together. Obviously there was no reason for myself to be connected to my own landline. My spouse and i look backside at that occasion, and in addition in wondering at how gracious my good friend was in loaning me his phone intended for the night (who would volunteer their cell phone away these days? ), I actually couldn’t has stopped being amazed at the freedom this cellular phone gave me. I was able to step out and be cultural - although still becoming accessible at the same time. This is the kind of freedom cellphones provide. But today our telephones are about much more than audio communications, and they are will no longer an optionally available possession. They are integrated into our lives in ways not really their creators thought. But screen period is the fresh sitting in a office chair for hours at a time, which I happen to concur is a awful thing. I have a standing table and it’s been a life-changer. In a time when we are electronically connected nowadays, yet sense even more disconnected than ever before, we are being taught, even admonished, to reduce each of our dependence on cell phones. To limit our amount of time in front of monitors, to put the telephone down and still have a real discussion with an individual, in the flesh. Avoidance of products and display screen time has become becoming a luxurious item; to be able to disconnect from your phones to get an extended time period bestows a status that a lot of us can’t find the money for or attain. Get it done, we are told, for your sanity if not humankind, and also for your neck: regularly looking down at your cellphone strains the lower back, that leads to all kind of physical soreness. I’ve actually experienced recurring stress symptoms with my hand from excessive scrolling, and i also could vow my forearm sometimes is painful in a strange place in the event I’ve employed my mobile phone for too long. Nevertheless is usually using our cell phones a lot really so bad? Does being addicted to each of our phones genuinely disconnect all of us from other folks as much we think? Are not generally there rewards for the actions that occupy us while we are clutched to our cell phones? When we use our phones, perhaps there is something we are missing that we would be carrying out otherwise? We get a lot out of using my own cell phone, so no, Dont really want to place it down. The answer is not to be socially shamed in to using my cell phone fewer. The solution is to be sure cellphone use is hard to kick and beneficial and entertaining, not a distraction coming from boredom or perhaps isolating you from cultural or professional settings. The key is to be deliberate and aware about how youre using your phone, not whether you’re using it at all or perhaps too much. Each of our minds will be constantly operating, processing each of our many thoughts, worries, concerns, plans. We really need a distraction from everything, but at times, life is not so clear cut. Take those movies. We go, nearly exclusively, into a movie theater using a strict simply no phones, no texting insurance plan. They will chuck your rear end out when you use a mobile phone in the theater. However when I was having a friend, in which theater, who was being endlessly texted by his partner. As it happens her mother is at critical well being trouble. This individual wound up leaving the movie to organize to go to the airport. As wonderful as a continuous movie encounter is, it doesn’t trump emergencies when they arise. Few experiences with some other person will be as romantic and connecting as a shared meal. (Hang on, I’ll get to sexual intercourse in a day. ) If perhaps there was at any time a moment once you would need to bond with another individual, directly, eye to eye, without distraction, it would be over a food. Yet, much like everything, there may be exceptions. Imagine if, over the course of the conversation, you begin referring to taking a trip together, or perhaps about countrywide parks, or perhaps about decreasing in numbers species? Looking up photos showing your companion can add to the conversation. Quickly Googling a well known fact or reference point can help inside your argument. Writing a social networking post you found provocative, interesting or perhaps important could be a launching point of a chat. In those occasions, you aren’t distancing yourself or putting something among you and another person, you are sharing your thoughts. Believe me, sharing can be a good factor. What Im not arguing is that the both of you should be taking a look at Facebook, individually, without interesting together. What I am stating is that your phone can be a conduit, a guide, a personal resource intended for source material, to bring and help the talk. In the event the focus continues to be on the both of you, the smart phone is a prop. If the focus is usually centered on the phone, the gadget is the main seduction and you’ve dropped bond. The previous is wonderful, these is not really. All of our phones are a device. Just how all of us choose to use this device is actually give them all their benefit. One could think the past place you would want cellular phone distraction could be the bedroom. On the surface, two people lying down in bed following to each other, every with cell phones in their hands, all but neglecting each other, feels like one of the most gloomy, soul-hurting scenes one may easily think of modern life. Nevertheless would it be naturally negative? If I’m reading the New York Times, what does it matter if perhaps I’m examining the actual paper or the digital version in the cellphone? If I’m checking e-mail, what does it subject if I possess a notebook computer or mobile phone? If I’m practicing games or otherwise distracted, what does it matter if I am browsing a book of playing some game? https://www.macworld.com/article/3278585/apple-smartphone-addiction-ios-12.html And besides, would not we occasionally glamorize studying in bed together? I love studying books, and discover it kind of hot my partner will too. Carrying out that during sex together, after that talking about what we’re browsing, is a great intellectual turn-on. So with all due admiration to plenty of experts, in this case, the medium can be not the message. What matters here is not the device itself, but the activity you’re engaged in, either jointly or separately. There can still be togetherness when two people are on their very own phones, in the same way there is when ever reading books. Their challenge arises when utilization of a phone changes something, or triggers a split up when a point of interconnection would otherwise take place. Might removal of your mobile phones from understructure mean more sex? Maybe. Should likewise lead to somebody getting out of bed faster in the morning hours, or perhaps sleeping faster at night. And while we’re while having sex, did you know that through your phone, you can watch video clips? Or perhaps look at photos of…. what ever it can be that arouses you? Or work with applications intended to foster discussion or activity with a loving partner? The product is a device. It is present without inherent judgment, qualities or worth. What we label of it is about us. Must i really need to tell you this? Certainly there are times when you must absolutely hardly ever touch your smartphone, beginning, certainly, with traveling.

(Guilty as incurred: I often use the Roadmaps programs on my phone to assist me acquire where I’m going. It isn’t really so straightforward, is it? ) I think religious services must be device-free areas, as should particular spaces, like gym bathroom rooms, where privacy needs to be respected. I have a distaste for those who use all their phone at the health club; I don’t need to hear your company calls while I’m lifting weights. On the other hand, I realize a lot of persons using work out and workout applications on the smartphone, demonstrating the point, that once more, these kinds of mini-pc systems within our pockets will be what we label of them. If you’re among those individuals that attend a live performance and insist on documenting video clips and shooting photographs the complete time, I actually ask how most of that is important. Experiencing the moment in time for yourself, not merely through a device, is highly recommended. But…. have got I ever watched live concert footage on YouTube taken by someone else? Yes, I've. Just a few years back I was for a field hockey game with my Dad. I have been in the habit of checking Myspace during games to follow along with the city of followers and mass media to help boost my experience of the game, also to know more about the fact that was going on. And that’s perfect for when watching in the home. But I had been there. My spouse and i didn’t need that network - I had been with twenty, 000 persons, and my father. Thus I set my mobile phone in my pocket sized. I missed the discourse. I skipped the details of items I didn’t see because live, you miss more than you think. Nevertheless I was able to soak inside the setting. I had been able to talk to my Dad as to what we believed would happen following. And later, during the night, when we mentioned the game, we all reflected in so many different moments, details I would have missed had We looked at my personal smartphone even more. So there is always a trade off. You will discover moments when your smartphone may distract you. That frenzymadness, desperation, hysteria, mania, insanity, delirium, derangement can be a poor thing (when you should be talking with a liked one) or possibly a good thing (when you’re miserable and alone and want something to cheer you up). It can detach you (when you avoid another person simply by diving in social media) or provide you with together (if you look up a joke to share or make use of your cellphone to turn on music to dance to). Let us not keep our products responsible for the human condition. A couple, lovers, let’s say, laying in bed. In one moment, they are both on their cell phones, lost inside their own sides. In the next, their very own phones happen to be off, for the bedside stand. What happens next? Anything can occur. It’s up to the two people included. That’s true whether you have your phone in your hand or not. And if you do, in addition, you choose using your telephone: in a disconnecting way or possibly a sharing way. If you’re feeling bad or guilty about being on your own phone, you know what you should perform. You are required to trust your instincts. Is undeniably critical to keep the person holding the cellphone liable, do not blame the product.

#smart phones

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femaleidols · 7 years

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im curious on the admins opinions on the whole mamamoo blackface situation... im really having a hard time bc mamamoo was one of my ult groups but it's been so hard for me to move past that as a black woman and it hurts bc i can feel myself not having the joy i had before for this comeback :( im just curious about how the admins felt and how they worked past it

see our honest opinions below the cut!

sullflower: To be honest, I can’t say much about their scandal because I didn’t follow it nor am I a Moomoo. But you have every right to be disappointed. It’s totally okay if you don’t feel like enjoying them anymore, really. I know I wasn’t much help, but I hope you’ll find a way you’re comfortable with.

iyokans: (hiatus)

heonies: I don’t want to share any opinion on the matter since I don’t really follow mamamoo and only recently heard of the events. It is incredibly disappointing though, and you have every right to be upset. All I can say is, if something hurts you, don’t invest your time and effort into it. You do you, and don’t feel bad about it.

jiaerrs: dude i totally get it if you’re having a hard time. one of my ubs fucked up in a similar way last week and blatantly ignored black fans who were sending him messages to educate him. while i can’t understand how painful it is firsthand as an asian woman, i understand completely if you’re feeling conflicted/upset/etc. over what mamamoo did. ngl, i was very disappointed when i saw them do blackface again after i was starting to get over their last incident. even with rbw stepping up and issuing apologies for multiple instances, it doesn’t seem genuine because it keeps happening. seeing the amount of people justifying it because bruno mars wasn’t black and bringing up sexist double standards to absolve the girls from their fuckups is a headache to deal with. whatever you feel is totally valid, and it’s fine if you’re not excited or maybe you are. i just hope no one gives you a hard time for doing either or!

katypery: i don’t know the details on how this scandal unfolded since i haven’t been following it but when i heard it i was extremely disappointed with them. i’m not a moomoo myself so i don’t follow their activities but i do hope they learn from their mistakes regardless. i believe you have the right to be hurt since this situation affected you directly and probably most of their black fans as well so it’s totally understandable if you don’t feel like enjoying this comeback! i personally don’t see anything wrong with you feeling that way so don’t go hard on yourself and support them only if you feel comfortable.

sunjis: first of all, i’m not black. honestly when a situation like this happens i don’t even get surprised anymore, which is sad, i always expect the worst to happen sooner or later but when it does i still get disappointed. regardless of being an idol i like, my relatives, someone from work/school, i just hope the person learns from their mistakes and keep an open mind when they hear critics. i got really surprised by rbw apology, but what saddened me the most were some fans reactions, defending them and therefore proving themselves of being completely ignorant. if what happened made you sad and you don’t feel excited anymore, it’s fine, really. it’s not worthy giving more chances to something that makes you feel bad and it’s not your or any fans obligation to educate them, sometimes we just have to get away and do what is the best for ourselves.

lauxrent:I think that generally when you fave fucks up you need to understand that if you can’t move on past what they did it’s perfectly fine and you don’t have to overcome it? Like if they don’t bring you joy anymore you shouldn’t force yourself into it. Maybe it will pass with time maybe it won’t. I know that it must be sad and disappointing when your fave group fucks up and looses its magic for you because of that, but if it really bothers you shouldn’t feel obliged to accept it. I know that there is a certain pressure in kpop fandom to accept idols’ mistakes and that some fandoms are really nasty to people that can’t forgive their faves but this fandom culture is toxic and you primarily should focus on what makes you happy. Myself I was never really a fan of mamamoo and I won’t become one now.

sooyulti:it’s really disappointing and there’s no excuse for racism, all this bullshit that fans say when trying to explain it like “their culture is different”, i believe it makes the situation even worse… and i know they apologized but it’s hard to accept it, especially when they have a big international fanbase, they should’ve educated themselves by searching through internet, i’m sure they have access to it. anyways, idk how i could help you to move past that bc i’m still very disappointed and i can’t move past that either, i just hope the girls will learn from this and won’t make the same mistake again.

wonhosoks: i was pretty surprised that they did that tbh but im not into them like as a “fan” so my only opinion probably it was disappointing coming from them? idk but i totally get that you would feel hurt cus they are ur ult group too :( im so sorry I dont think i helped much at all :(

24kool: i’d rather not share my opinion on it, however i do hope you manage to find the right solution for you 💜

1krystaljung:when mamamoo first did it i was rly dissapointed and upset of course… but then they apologized so soon after which was really surprising and i wanted to forgive them & believe they had really learned from their mistakes. like i don’t think i’ve seen many idols apologize when they’re in situations like this, so i thought it was great they were aplogizing and i believed it to be genuine and that they were really gonna grow and learn from it! but then… they jst went and did blackface again so shortly after lmao… like i really thought they had learned and listened to what people had to say but i guess the apology was just to save face and wasn’t really genuine at all lol?? so the whole thing is really upsetting to me and i lost a lot of respect for them, especially now that they’re caught up in the controversy of them wearing bindis… like……. do they not learn??? it feels like they don’t really care like at all lmao. aaaand that’s my opinion on that. sorry, but i don’t really have much to say on “working past it” because i was never really a mamamoo stan, i just listen to some songs here and there. if you decide to work past it, good luck, i know it can be kind of hard to work past something like that, especially since it wasn’t just a one time thing :/ and if you decide to drop them that’s totally understandable and i wouldn’t blame you

seuhgi:that was disappointing for sure.

prkchaeyoung: i was never really a mamamoo fan, but what mamamoo did was extremely ignorant and it hurt a lot of people. if you believe that letting go of them is the best thing for you, then go for it!

yoonbomis: i’m sorry that the situation has made u feel this way :( the situation did make me upset and quite shocked?? (since i’m not a big fan of mmm, i didn’t really expect it) and i’m glad that fans’ rightfully upset/offended/perhaps betrayed? feelings to it was able to get a least, an apologetic response out of mamamoo and their agency (if i remember right, they said things along the lines that they were going to aim to educate themselves on it?) but it is still something that is constantly in my thoughts whenever i think of or see mamamoo, so it did hinder my opinion of them. however, i still listen to their music, although not with the same enthusiasm as before. i’m sorry if i’m not too much help or comfort ;; (also because i am not a black woman) but i hope u are able to find a way to ease ur pain in a way that makes u comfortable and happy ^^

monoka: as a nonfan & someone who was never interested in them i have to say i avoid them as much as possible, because i got tired of their problematic antics. They have done so many things multiple times and still NOT learn. Their ignorance is amazing.

seulge: what bothers me the most is that mamamoo fans are quick to pretend that these girls did absolutely nothing wrong - or most of them at least. i will never forget seeing on twitter this one moomoo who was giving out false translations to protect mamamoo’s reputation or some bs. i do not like mamamoo as people anymore, and the fandom is equally toxic imo, so i stepped away a long time ago. i might check out the mv when it’s out and if the song is good, so be it. i’ll listen to it if it’s catchy.

#reply #anonymous #about us

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grandschemed · 7 years

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All salty questions please

1. how salty are you feeling right now?

i had my cup of coffee and it’s 9:15 and i don’t have any work to do at work at the moment so u know?? i actually feel pretty good i’m chill it’s all good but please continue reading under the cut for more salty unpopular opinions by yours truly :*

2. what are your unpopular opinion(s) of the fandom you’re rping in?

3. what rp trends are you so over and can’t wait for it to die?

4. have you ever made a call out post or wanted to?

i don’t think i have?? i’ve never really had an issue with somebody to the point that i felt as if i needed to make a callout post which thank god??? i’m grateful i’ve ( for the most part ) had really positive experiences so far

as for callout culture itself ?? i have mixed feelings about it bc the majority of callout posts i’ve read seem kind of Harsh bc ur essentially damning this person from the roleplay community forever esp. bc i personally don’t think roleplaying is That Deep u know?? like theft is annoying and whatnot but idk if it’s something i’d call somebody out for personally - MAYBE I WOULDN’T MIND CALLOUT POSTS if anons didn’t go overboard telling said individual to die / kill themselves ???

HOWEVER i think there are instances in which callout posts are necessary esp. when calling out tumblr users for being a racist / pedophile / etc. THAT’S SUBJECTIVE AS HELL i know but pedophilia is GROSS AS FUCK and SO IS RACISM and god forbid i accidentally follow / write with any of those people because ew ew ew EW it’s good to know who to avoid in the community at the same time so ... Yeah i’ve got mixed feelings about callout posts

5. a ship everyone in the fandom you’re in loves, but you can’t stand?

since i’m a multimuse part of 1002 fandoms i’ll focus on haikyuu!! except i’m pretty sure i’m going to get my ass roasted alive but i really can’t stand i/waoi LMAO but that’s mostly out of bias and the fact that a lot of i/waoi shippers have ruined it for me by viciously hating on u/shijima as a character calling him a r/apist and saying that u/shioi is abusive when u/shijima has done literally nothing ever to abuse o/ikawa like what ?? if anything i/waoi is the abusive ship considering i/waizumi’s the one who physically hurts o/ikawa all the time LOL

shitty shippers aside idk i/waoi’s personally just not really my jam? to be honest all the super popular hq!! ships aren’t rly my jam - i don’t even really have good explanation for why i dislike i/waoi as much as i do from an unbiased point of view but i prefer them as friends ?? in all honesty ?? JUST MY 2 CENTS THO

6. have you ever sent something to one of those burn book blogs?

lol no i might be extra but i aint That Extra laughs in all seriousness i rly haven’t had any major problems w/ other roleplay blogs to the point that i was tempted to send something to a burn book blog

7. has someone made you unfollow/block them without a second thought because of a petty reason?

i’m trying to remember if there were any instances in which i did so for a petty reason but most of the time ??? i usually unfollow if somebody writes something Inherently Problematic / over-the-top purple prose / they don’t follow me back ... there was one time when i unfollowed somebody bc i asked them for their autoplay bc i rly liked the song and i just wanted to listen to it??? LMAO but they thought i was going to steal from them just bc we wrote the same muse and i was like Bro. I JUST LIKED UR AUTOPLAY what the hell i just wanted to listen to it 200 times in a row on youtube chill so i unfollowed them bc lmao how dare you assume i’d steal from somebody in the first place Get Over Yourself Susan

8. are you good at dealing with personal problems?

i’d say so?? again i usually don’t rly have roleplaying issues but problems aside from those i usually like to vent on twitter and i feel Much Better after that?? im a pretty chill person irl and shit doesn’t rly get to me so i can come off as kind of blunt / insensitive but i feel like i get over most stuff pretty quickly - there’s no reason to get Angry and make somebody suffer when somebody tries to fuck you over imo?? True Vengeance is aspiring to be happier / richer / more successful / fulfilled than that person will ever be - that’s my Fuck You to those people y’know?? 😂😂😂 life is so much better when i focus on me and figuring out what i can do to fulfill my emotional needs - i feel very lucky with what i have and all my friends and family who cherish + support me of course though !!

9. what’s your opinion on duplicates?

i may come off as a confident self-assured person but even i get shaken time to time y’know?? but for the most part i don’t rly mind duplicates?? in fact i like to try to befriend them to get over any anxiety i might have over duplicates and i think it’s a silly thing to be uncomfortable by duplicates personally bc again roleplaying rly ain’t that deep you guys - in fact you guys both like the same character so you guys chose to write the same character?? duplicates + i already have a connection in that sense!! also duplicate muse threads are SUPER COOL to write in my opinion bc it lets your muse face themselves and they can rly see themselves for who they really are which i think is Always Cool because i love writing threads in which i get to explore emotional depth with my muses ?? PLUS DUPLICATES ARE COOL bc it’s kind of interesting to see how other people interpret the same character you write bc everybody has different opinions

i know the anxiety might be there but i think the best advice my mom has ever given me is not to compare yourself to other people even if you think they’re better than you or something and i know that’s hard advice to follow for everybody but roleplaying is a hobby and it’s done for fun - there’s so many other things you can stress about in life so why let roleplaying be one of those things?? focus on yourself and focus on your muse and developing that muse with other people and people will want to come to you to write with them. preferences will always be a thing - it’s only natural but focus on having fun with your muse as opposed to worrying about other people!!

10. any fandom(s) you don’t want to rp in or crossover to?

11. are you for or not for purple prosing?

12. has someone in the rp community ever made you upset/cry?

i don’t think..... so?? upset maybe but not to the point of crying?? i mean again i’ve never really had a truly terrible experience but i did have an ex-writing partner who used to constantly guilt trip me until i finally broke it off with them because it was starting to affect my real life relationships and whatnot and i didn’t want to bear that burden anymore as much as i wanted to be their friend but i couldn’t singlehandedly bear all of their problems for them anymore because it wasn’t healthy for me nor was it good for them so i cut them out of my life for both of our sakes - i’ve had great times with this person but ultimately, i’m glad i did what i did and i’m proud of myself for being able to focus on my own emotional needs

13. ever told someone not to follow/rp with a particular person because something that happened to you in the past?

i ... can’t remember laughs I DON’T THINK SO??? people have told me not to write w/ certain people before when i go into new communities blind but for the most part i don’t think i’ve really had an overly terrible experience to the point that i felt i had to tell other people not to roleplay with / follow them ... i’ve been very blessed with a good experience so far!!

14. ever knew someone that everyone loves but you can’t stand?

i would say ‘can’t stand’ is kind of harsh but i dislike them because of a petty reason??? it’s fine tho bc they stay in their lane and i stay in mine - it’s all good imo. i for the most part have enough decency not to hate on other people’s ships but this person kept telling me about how much they dislike my ships to my face on a consistent basis which again PETTY and i know they weren’t in a good place at the time but shrugging emoji idk i just thought it was kind of rude ??

15. have you ever done something out of spite?

i do everything out of spite im jk but seriously if you tell me i can’t do smth i will only do said thing with 100% more effort out of sheer spite like THERE WAS SOMEBODY who told me i couldn’t ship a certain ship so i proceeded to flood my dash with 300% more ship content you’re welcome headass spite is a Great Motivator

me: i’m a chill person and im going to be the happiest person ever :)also me: u test me bitch and im coming for ur entire life

16. what would you say to the one who hurt you in the past?

i hope you are incandescently happier than you were before. i hope you are in a better place and i hope you are still writing with people who appreciate you and can give you the attention you deserve. i hope you are a better person today and i wish you nothing but the best in a life without me, but i do not miss you nor do i ever want you back in my life. i cherish the good times we had together, but we are better off without each other regardless of what you might still think and i hope you don’t. i hope you recognize what you did and i hope you are a wonderful person today.

17. what are your opinions when someone makes negative posts constantly on their rp blog?

if you make more negative posts than roleplay content i’m gonna unfollow you?? i understand you’re having a hard time with your life but honestly i followed you to write with you - it’s not that your well-being doesn’t matter to me but i write to have fun + destress and ultimately, roleplaying is about myself?? im not doing this for other people - im doing this for me. i don’t mind occasional negative posts ( ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE TAGGED !! ) but if you’re consistently complaining about how much you think you suck compared to everyone else or how you think nobody wants you around, then i’m going to unfollow you because i came to write with you because i thought you were COOL!! i know people just want to vent ( LORD KNOWS I VENT A LOT even if it’s about little stuff ) but consider making a twitter / a personal tumblr in which you can do so instead of your roleplay blog which is for roleplaying ??? idk that’s just my opinion but i try to keep my roleplaying blog strictly related to the content - i don’t even want to flood my blog with too many ooc asks bc u guys didn’t follow me to read my constant ooc posts ( even if i feel like i write a lot LMAO ) - u guys followed to write w me !!!!

18. do you hold grudges for long?

i say no but at the same time i’ve been really bitter towards an ex-best friend for three years now. NONE OF THESE GRUDGES ARE ROLEPLAY-RELATED but again my way of vengeance is to be way happier and more successful than her and never ever see her again because that’s the decision she made?? we used to be Super Close but then she got a boyfriend and her entire life revolved around her boyfriend and we never spent any more time together after that like ??? it’s clear who she chose over me so if she doesn’t want to make the effort to spend time with me then i see no effort to give her any thought. also the fact that she, as a white individual, complained to my other best friend behind my back that i’m apparently too “sensitive” about popular media. like really? wow, must be nice to have all the representation you could possibly ever ask for, karen. get the fuck out of here with that attitude /:

also SUPER PERSONAL but i’m salty about my kind-of-ex because he basically acted like he was really invested in me when he was still hung up on somebody else and i let myself be emotionally vulnerable around him until he confessed to me that he just wanted to be friends because he was still into his ex and then proceeded to neglect our friendship because he’d spend all of his time with his ex ( who he predictably got back together with + who turned out to be a really shitty selfish manipulative person who he broke up with anyway ) which was Fine i was already used to that anyway with SEE: ABOVE FRIEND but then after he broke up with her he’s tried to come back into my life on various occasion because he’s never had as Great of a Friend as me and frankly i can’t forgive him or myself for making myself invest any sense of emotion into him it makes me so angry to think i was actually upset because i actually cared a lot about him and he made me feel like i wasn’t good enough and how fucking dare he make me feel like that ever? i’m the Fucking Best and he deserves absolutely nothing from me he deserves perfect indifference and i hope he never ever feels fulfilled in his life i wish him a great and terrible lack of satisfaction for the rest of his miserable life xoxo i’m going to be SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN THAT ASSHOLE i’m years and years better off without him i hope he pines for my friendship for the rest of his life

19. wild card: ask the mun any type of salty asks.

20. if you’re feeling salty right now, this ask gives you a free reign to pour out your frustration.

i feel like question 18 let me do that so i’m good but also ??? fuck the gangsta. novel ??? for its HORRIBLE characterization of worick + nic’s relationship ??? the gangsta. novel treats their relationship as if nic is some dog/servant to worick which in itself is gross in concept because haha yay a poc character forcibly being subservient to a white character THAT’S COOL :)))))))) but also ??????? uh AUTHOR ARE WE READING THE SAME MANGA ?????

worick has never treated nic as a dog / servant even when they were children - worick even taught him how to read / write ??? worick and nic were e/o’s first and only friends for a long while ??? they’ve lived together for so many years - they canonly share shirts, they’re business partners, worick was genuinely hurt to see nic in so much pain. not only does worick NOT see nic as a dog / servant HE LOVES NIC ??? HE LOVES HIM SO MUCH THEIR RELATIONSHIP MEANS SO MUCH TO ME they’ve been through so much together and worick since he was 14 has literally supported the both of them via Really Horrible Means that i won’t get into - i’ll leave it up to your imagination but he split the profit he made from what he did with nic ??? there’s no way worick would’ve done that shit if he viewed nic as somebody beneath him esp. when survival was so difficult for two 14-year-old boys with no funds or resources they’ve survived together through thick and thin and there’s a special relationship they have and i love worick and nic okay I LOVE THEM SO MUCH EVEN IF THEY MAKE SHITTY DECISIONS AND WHATNOT nobody will ever convince me otherwise

also if you’ve made it to the end i commend you and thank you for reading my salty opinions / personal problems / issues :* i hope you all have a wonderful day :**

#vcliantis #ask #( *ooc )#( LMAO THANK U FOR INDULGING ME HOLY SHIT )#( i crossed out all the ones i answered already !!! )#( QUESTION 18 GOT RLY PERSONAL but for the most part im a Chill Content Person )#( ALSO WARNING BC THIS IS SUPER LONG UNDER THE CUT ?????????? )

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cas-tellation · 7 years

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Not What You Thought (I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Know) part 8

Last chapter - Masterlist - Read on ao3

A/N; Firstly; I just wanted to say that I have this fic pretty much mapped out, BUT there's a big empty space between now and the ending -- just because i need some filler stuff that i can use to add some ~development~ that being said, if you want anything specific to happen in this fic, please, please leave a comment telling me as this is the perfect time for me to maybe fit some of that stuff in. Nothing too big, just lil things. (do you want phil to get a pet? do you want more flashbacks from dan? flashbacks from phil? more about their family & all of that?? literally anything little like that that i can write a little bit about)Secondly; here a playlist of all the music i listen to whilst writing (i mean theres other music i constantly forget to add songs whoops) so if you wanna really ~get in the zone~ whilst readin you can go listen to that if you want i guess here it is And finally; lots of people who read this fic are ftm trans and thats great!! all the feedback that i've gotten back from them is so nice, and im very, very happy that this fic is at least somewhat realistic. I, myself, am not trans, however i am agender (demiboy? idk lol im figuring things out still) so i do have ~some~ experience with dysphoria and all that stuff, but at the same time its also amazing to hear what people say(a huge thanks to everyone's who's left comments on this fic so far... they really are greatly appreciated.)

Dan’s tired. He doesn’t want to get out of bed. Doesn’t want to do much of anything, really. The dysphoria is there; strong as ever. Maybe that’s the thing that he hates the most about himself: The dysphoria. Some people say that they understand that; understand the self hatred that comes with being stuck in the wrong body. But really, how could they, if they were cis?

When his mum claims that everything will be okay and that she understands, and that what he’s going through is something that every teen goes through-- isn’t she lying, because he’s not every teen. He’s Dan, not Yazi. He’s trans, not cis. He doesn’t know anybody who is trans - save for a couple of youtubers that he watches, more for the education aspect of being trans than anything else.

He feels alone. He can’t go to someone. Say, Phil. He couldn’t go to Phil and have the other boy comfort him, and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. Because how would Phil know, if he’s cis? How could Phil possibly know? How could anybody? Sure, they could have little glimpses, but nothing tangible. They wouldn’t feel dysphoria.

They wouldn’t feel this tired.

There’s a certain level of self hatred, but a lot of it was just the dysphoria. It makes him want to physically claw off his own skin.

School is stressful. He feels like he’s falling apart under the pressure of it. He’s doing too much and yet he still feels like he’s not doing enough. He stops doing his homework completely because whenever he hands it in and gets anything less than a perfect score; he feels like he’s failed somehow.

Of course, he hasn’t failed just because he has gotten a lower score, but still.

His mind is constantly messing with him and he’s so tired.

Phil’s embrace is more than welcoming after a long day. Dan melts into his arms, taking a long, shuddering breath and burying his face into Phil’s chest.

Take another deep breath. Now, close your eyes. Feel, where are you?

In, and out, darkness. Phil’s arms, Phil’s body, Phil’s heart, beating slowly and steadily beneath Dan’s cheek, further calming him. Phil’s saying something, maybe asking if Dan’s okay. Or alternatively, what’s wrong.

God, it feels like everything is wrong.

Everything, and it’s all piling up.

It’s too much. It’s all just - too much. He doesn’t know if he can deal with it anymore. He misses the sharp kiss of the blade against his pale skin.

But he’s here in Phil’s arms, safe from physical harm.

Only for the time being. Phil would leave and then - and then.

God.

Since when does the world spin like this? Since when does the world hurt like this?

Phil’s arms are drawing tighter around Dan’s thin body, one hand coming up to comb gently through Dan’s ever-so-slightly curly hair.

“It’ll be okay, Danny,” Phil’s saying.

But the thing is, it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay. Because everything hurts but at the same time everything’s so empty and heavy and full and painful. In Dan’s eyes, it’s not going to be okay. Not by a long shot. He feels so broken, and used up, and thoroughly useless.

He’s none of those things.

But his mind refuses to think of himself as anything but that.

Phil’s arms are around him, holding him together. When all Dan is doing is breaking apart.

Phil’s gone. He hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d been worried about Dan. They’re all worried, all the time. Phil, the teachers at school, Dan’s parents.

But Phil had to leave.

And Dan is now alone. Feeling the worst that he has in a long time. And he doesn’t know what to do.

Everything’s hazy. It’s like he’s looking at his life through a keyhole. Not really there. It’s almost as if he can’t feel anything. Is he dreaming? He can’t remember going to sleep but he still doesn’t feel like he’s properly awake. Through a keyhole. Hazy. Dream-like. Sitting on the edge of a bathtub, rolling up his sleeves.

Numb.

A razor, in his hand.

And god is he really going to do this?

Sleep is laced through with unease.

The feeling’s not gone the next day. He had hoped that after a good night’s sleep that the hurt would go away.

He doesn’t know how he’s going to make it through the day.

The binder fits too tight. His hair is growing out a little and it only adds to the dysphoria. Everything feels too feminine. Too much. Way too much. Make it stop, please.

He walks to school, the overcast sky reflecting his emotional state perfectly.

He pauses, in front of the school door, weighing his options.

Then, he turns around and walks in the opposite direction. Fuck school.

He doesn’t go home. God, he doesn’t want to go ‘home’ ever again. He goes to the park instead, where he and Phil had been. Except that now Phil’s not there. Instead, there are countless children and their parents. He almost regrets coming but sits down on the edge of a bench anyway, pulling a book out of his bag and trying to lose himself in the story. At least for a little while.

It’s weird, how invisible he is.

Nobody seems to notice him.

Nobody bothers him.

He almost wishes that he could do this everyday. Until he remembers how much school he’s missing and feels his throat choke up. Too much, this is all too much, and yet not enough.

Phil texts him just after noon, when Dan would usually meet him.

Dan doesn’t reply.

Everything is falling apart at a steady pace and there’s nothing that Dan can do to stop it.

That night, Dan lays in bed, his hands resting on his stomach, tears racing down his cheeks. He thinks, ‘I need Phil’, and then, ‘I need Nicole’, and after that he hates himself a little bit more.

The amount of notifications that Dan wakes up to is absolutely horrifying, in his opinion. Dozens from Phil. Even one from Nicole. He breath catches in his throat as he sees it;

Nic: where have you been ive missed u

He doesn’t know if he can reply to it. He does anyway.

Dan: i miss you too.

And he does. Fuck, he does.

He locks his phone again before he replies to Phil. A sick feeling settles in his belly.

At lunch the next day, Dan’s almost disappointed to see that Phil isn’t yet sitting on the dusty patch of ground behind the building. He pulls out the same book that he had started yesterday, and begins reading. He’s hoping that Phil will show up.

But scared, too, because he’s so unresponsive. He’s scared that Phil will think that Dan doesn’t like him and he’s scared that Phil won’t see how lost Dan is.

But fear isn’t helping him so he pushes it down and tries so hard to focus on the words in front of him. He doesn’t know if it’s working.

Phil does show up. He’s not mad that Dan hadn’t been there the day before, instead, he was worried about how Dan was feeling.

Phil says, “Hey Danny.”

And Dan says, “I told you to stop calling me that.”

And then Phil hugs him again and all Dan can think is: Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Because what did he do to deserve someone like this? Since when did he get to be with the Good Guy? Since when did someone who actually cared about things pay any sort of attention to him?

Usually it was someone looking for a good fuck.

Or Nicole, who simply didn’t have her life together enough to care.

Dan lets Phil hold him and is scared that Phil will leave once he realizes how well and truly fucked up Dan feels.

Feeling good is something that takes a long time. Dan feels a spark of it that night when Phil texts him saying:

Phil: Goodnight dannyyyyyyy <3333

The spark being Dan’s stomach flopping around happily. Happily. Happiness. It’s something that he has a hard time feeling.

But with Phil, it seems to come easier.

Dan wakes up feeling a bit more awake than usual. He tells himself that this means he’s getting over the depression, though he can still feel it lurking there, right under his skin, waiting for the worst time to make it’s re-appearance.

It’s horrible, living like this, but at the point that Dan is now at, it’s impossible to avoid.

#phanfic #phanfiction #myfics #ftmtrans #ftm #trans!dan #phan fluff #phan angst #phan smut #phan

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realrhythmskrp · 7 years

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DISPATCH, (06/24/17): Kaleidoscope Records has officially released information about main dancer, lead rapper, and maknae, Im Rihwan, on A-TEAM′s official website! Rihwan is a ‘00 liner and has been beloved by fans since his debut in 2015. Find out more about Rihwan below!

I, IM RIHWAN, have read and understand the terms and conditions as my position of MAKNAE and agree to honor the standards that are to be expected of me as an employee of KALEIDOSCOPE RECORDS.

OOC INFORMATION

Preferred name: jemi

Pronouns: she/her

Timezone: gmt+8

Other muses: N/A

IC INFORMATION

Faceclaim: NCT’s lee jeno

Name: im rihwan

Stage name (if applicable): N/A

Idol concept: rihwan is a-team’s “evil maknae” who’s known for being the older members’ favorite to “playfully” smack. with that he’s also considered the “maknae on top,” the youngest who could probably rule the entirety of south korea if he wanted to. rihwan’s playfulness certainly makes him fit for the part, but what most people overlook is his subdued maturity. in the way he speaks, the way he interacts with his members, he always knows he is accountable for whatever he does— that’s probably why he’s settled with his image— and whatever he does to the annoyance of his members he always apologizes for it at the end of the day. he usually uses this concept to his advantage to make the other members do his bidding, but rest assured, only up to a certain level.

Birth date and age: february 1, 2000 (17 years old)

Company name: kaleidoscope records

Group Name: a-team

Group Position: maknae

Strengths: dancing is his main strength, and he is also able to choreograph and teach choreography. he also raps quite a bit in their songs, and is trying to develop that skill as much as he can. having done several commercials as a child, he is also experienced in front of the camera and is capable (and wants to do more) of acting. within the group, he is also capable of cheering the other members on, a role even an “evil” maknae has to possess. with that, he’s also a very good listener and confidant.

Weaknesses: he isn’t much of a singer yet, and is very aware of that. rihwan’s insecure of his singing voice, but he’s able to carry a tune, at least. he also has a bad habit of comparing himself to others, which can make him feel very down about what he lacks. of course, as the youngest of his team he is also quite whiny—this goes for when his members don’t follow him or when he finally gets bossed around—but it isn’t overbearing.

Positive traits: committed, diligent, cunning, dependable

Negative traits: impatient, manipulative, insecure

PERSONAL HISTORY

bright lights and big cameras have stopped fazing him years ago. no stranger to the entertainment world, rihwan has almost never stopped working since he was four years old. people who know him say his mother’s to blame for this, and some other people also say he’s overworked. honestly, rihwan just wants to keep going. rihwan is far from tired, and believes that his real work is only beginning.

despite being a rookie in the idol world, rihwan isn’t an unknown face to many. a lot of people know him as the “angpang boy,” a little boy from that one seoul milk commercial for their kids’ variant called angpang. four-year-old rihwan made his mark as a korean household name, and has since then been working as a commercial actor. he still remembers his first shoot— the director loudly calls out a word he can barely understand as the lights are switched on. scanning the small crowd around him for a familiar face as he squints to adjust to the light, he finds his mother standing off to the side, giving him a reassuring smile and nod while mouthing, “rihwan, good luck.”

at four years old, he isn’t sure if he finds comfort in that. before he could respond to her, someone kneels down in front of him, speaking slowly and simply. instructions are fed to him, he nods, and everyone gets out of his way. when he gets asked if he’s ready, he replies with a loud yes, just like what he was told to do by his mom when she told him he would be on television. the cameras start rolling and he starts waddling with his bedroom slippers across the wooden floor like how they rehearsed at home, recalling hearing his little sister crying for food in the background. it’s honestly easy for him, despite his young age, to follow the script and everyone’s instructions. he knows what to do, but needs a little help on how to do it. multiple takes are spent redoing shots to get the right one, and as soon as they got that shot of him gulping down milk and wiping his lips on his sweater sleeve before showcasing a picture perfect smile, the lights go off as everyone claps and he’s brought back home holding his mother’s hand.

when he gets home he asks his mother if it would always be like this. his mother sets down his dinner plate in front of him as she sits beside him, and she replies with something along the lines of “if you want to.”

at five years old, a year later, he finds himself in a similar situation. in front of a couple cameras, given a few instructions—same old. after his first shoot, the kids at his kindergarten ask if that was him in that one milk commercial on TV. he just replies with, “maybe,” coyly but at the same time obviously flattered. this time it’s a shoot for some sort of food? rice? he doesn’t really know. all he knows was that he needs to whine and cry. he goes through with filming and when it finishes his mother wipes the tears he cried for the shoot away. “you did well today,” she says, and he responds with a nod.

it’s difficult to understand everything happening around you at just five years, and rihwan was feeling that insecurity and detachment from everything around him. for some weird reason, though, he enjoys it. being in the limelight feels right for him.

still, his life in show business wasn’t free of struggle. being the son of a working mother and a father working abroad he had to take care of his siblings growing up as well. this doesn’t mean his mother didn’t take care of all of them well—but he always knew he’s his mother’s favorite, being the firstborn. so he constantly figures he should spend time while he can with his sister who’s two years younger than him and his brother who’s three years younger.

at seven years old, when he isn’t at shoots, young rihwan spends time with his siblings, and the family dog, of course. their time is often spent by the pond at the park near their house, which doubles as a wishing well despite all the agitated koi fish. rihwan firmly believes in the power of his hundred-won wishes, holding his sister’s hand with his left and using his right to throw coins. the year he spent off working has a year of him studying, given, but it was also the year he started to frequent the wishing pond. now back into work, rihwan wishes he could do more cool things on camera to make his family (pet dog included) proud.

at almost ten years old, he realizes he’s gotten more than he bargained for. after seeing his face on so many CFs, entertainment companies have taken notice of his potential as a future idol visual. his second disappearance from commercials was short-lived, and soon he gets plunged into more auditions for more commercials after his mother gets her work life back together and rihwan does well enough in school. initially reluctant to accept offers to take rihwan in from companies, his mother figures it would be better to leave his management to people who, in her opinion, know better than her about managing kids. and so begins rihwan’s journey as a kaleidoscope trainee, the company out of the handful whose name mrs. im has heard about the most.

at eleven years old, he realizes that maybe his hundred won coins were well spent. half a year he has spent so far under kaleidoscope records has been tiring, to say the least, but hey, he’s been learning how to dance and he finds that a lot of fun. he’s still doing commercials, and also, he’s sure to get into that performing arts high school when he gets older. he does miss his family though, and wonders if his siblings are taken care of. living away from home is rough, but he trusts in the people around him enough to carry on. at that age he has started to process how things work in the industry. he realizes he can’t succeed if he doesn’t put in the work. so he works, and he works hard.

at twelve he finds that his passion for dancing has grown. the initial plan of him being a visual was overthrown by his rapid grasp of dance. after being surrounded by people who genuinely think “dance is life” he’s grown to love dance, and even performing in general. he misses filming for commercials, but then he also wants to focus on what his life is hopefully going to lead up to: becoming an idol. it was never in his plans—acting might have been, but never singing and becoming an idol. he finds the serendipity slightly funny. who knew he could actually make it? not his siblings, for sure, the ones who often joked about him ending up like the idols they saw on sunday afternoon music shows when they were young. well, even younger.

however, at fourteen years old, he gets tired. tired of waiting. he knows he’s still too young to debut, but at the same time, his almost three and a half years of training have been all too long for him. he still loves performing, and in fact has been dabbling in different dance styles and trying his hand and creating his own dances. his hunger to debut is strong, although he’s held back by his insecurity in singing. typically he skips intensive vocal training by chatting up his instructors or using dance practice as an excuse, but never does it on purpose. or so he likes to think. he’s secure in his dancing ability, and often resorts to avoiding singing by learning rapping and immersing in hip hop, which is useful in dancing, too. lately he’s been hearing talks of a new boy group being formed, and all his fingers are crossed.

he sends his sister text messages regularly, reminding her to toss at least three coins into the wishing pond for his speedy debut.

at fifteen, he finds himself being selected to debut as one of the members of “a-team,” kaleidoscope’s newest fresh-concept boy band. ecstatic, rihwan sure is, but just as scared. he’s trained with a lot of them before, but now being in a team with all of them is different. as the youngest of the bunch, he has to be taken care of but at the same time he has to be reliable. after all, he can’t be the weakest link. he doesn’t want to be.

seventeen and well into his work, he has settled into his niche in the group as the playful, impish youngest member of the team, but is still cautious about how his members feel. it’s funny how his (and his siblings’) coin tosses has gotten him to where he is now, enjoying a good amount of success as an idol— who would’ve thought? the child who has been working since almost birth is now an older child working even harder. rihwan’s career is only beginning for him, and he plans to take this ride as long as he can.

#rytrihwan #ryt:revampapp #ryt:kal #ryt:ateam #ryt:accepted

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48hoursagain · 7 years

Text

All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone. what else can i do. im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself. but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit. polemic yelp review of american heath care system: "After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused. After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head. 3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing. I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while. I had been reaching out Calling. Emailing. After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today. I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that. I didn't know what else to do. What else are you supposed to do. For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room. Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's. Vomiting children. Bleeding Fingers. Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there. Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern. Their broken humilated spouse at their side. I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility. Surrending my freedom. Surrender of my routines. After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen. Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls. Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there. One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night. Not sure what that was about. Empty though. A bed and a chair. Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting. You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot. I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated. I sat and waited in my gown. Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders. I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense. I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense. I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore. This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard. Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions: "Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?" No. No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die. No. No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long. wrong answer. I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back. Back right where I started. Nobody is gonna help me. Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit. Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating. By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness. Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent . Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms. On hurting yourself: This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up. On hurting someone else: This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head. I've read old yeller. They dont care. Neither do I. boo hoo. Conversely: lock them in a room and keep them safe. Is this really that hard? "Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?" How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on: "Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me" Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind. It creates that understanding. In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to. even if that wasn't a real compulsion. a last resort. This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more. "well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser". I'll get better one day. Not today. Maybe I'll have fingers. Maybe I won't." thanks for the well wishes. i'm fine. i'm just angry. i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life. i hate that you are dealing with this.

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jess-oh · 6 years

Text

Reflection

i kinda got this off my chest already to jeanne but im really afraid that im going to start my internship and end up hating working in the industry. there are so many things that are out of my hands right now and i dont know if what im doing is right. i went to the vbs bbq today and it was really fun and im glad i get to meet so many new kids and adults and have nice conversations with them but honestly, i realized that i never really prayed about serving with VBS. for a while, it’s just been a matter of if i get the internship then i’ll stay and volunteer and if i dont get the internship, then i’ll go home for the break and rest. and bc there were so many newcomers, i felt a responsibility to be there for them and a lot has been happening over the summer that i would’ve missed out on had i gone home so i am glad that im here to experience it all. but i think i need to rest in the Lord. I have been resting since I finished school but by drowning myself in media and distracting myself from the real world instead of taking the time to just really meditate and get back on track with God. I’m not complacent and I’m definitely still growing. And yeah, the whole financial situation sucked with my dad but i kinda had a feeling that his layoff wouldnt last long and i knew that i had the opportunity to go home for the break and rest. but i was afraid. i was so afraid of going back to sa-rang. to a place where i dont feel at home. to a place where i feel like a social outcast. i am so afraid of that and thats why i decided to stay and was so eager to jump at any chance i could to find an excuse to stay here in chicago. and thank God for sending me a paid internship but it honeslty almost feels like a test and i dont want to back out bc ive already made commitments to so many people but i ultimately just really want to rest. really. not having to worry about anything and to just be at home with my family, friends, and loved ones. just to be in their presence again would be so nice. i’ve been hanging out a lot more with my d&d friends recently and im glad but it is difficult not talking about God with them. He’s such an integral part of my life. I do think I struggle to some extent to hangout casually with the freshmen bc i want to be a good upperclassman for them but that doesnt mean im not still growing too. i am. idk. im just really worried about a lot of different things and think i should pray to God about it all. I have been relying more so on what’s practical and logical instead of praying about it and seeing where God is leading me. And I do think He’s leading me to go back home. But at what cost? Of feeling ostracized at Sa-Rang again? To have to admit that I’m searching for another church to be my own person and bc my parents are both so involved and i feel like i can never speak ill of them? I want to be around more people like me but people in the OC honestly have it so easy. They have no idea. And it’s really hard for me to relate to them. Josh Hwang has been trying so hard to bring up California to me in whatever situation possible. Not everyone needs to know how we first met. It’s an old story and I’m tired of hearing it. Why can’t you just focus on the now and let it die? It can be a fun fact but I don’t want Sa-Rang to define who I am. It was nice at first for common ground but now it’s annoying and I’m afraid of going back. Of course I miss my family and friends but I’m afraid that our dynamic will have changed and we’ll go back to arguing or maybe I’ll fall back in love with it and be miserable in Chicago again. I want to be independent and be my own person and march at my own pace. And I’m afraid that I can’t do that there. I want to learn to drive so that I stop burdening people out here and can fend for myself. But I also don’t know who would understand my situation. I have tried for so long to fit in at Sa-Rang and I never really clicked with them. And it’s partly their fault but my own as well and that’s something I need to work on. I was just never really a part of the culture. I was very aware that the adults were gossiping today and it just frustrated me. I don’t want to speak so mindlessly of other people when there are so many other things we could be discussing. Even as common ground, I regret it. Mutual friends are nice but I used them as an excuse to get closer to people instead of finding other means. I’m not even that close to these mutual friends yet spoke of them as if I am. I’m afraid that my demons and fears from Sa-Rang have and/or will follow me to Lakeview and I am so afraid of that. I’m honestly so scared whenever I see someone I think I know bc I don’t want to be defined by who I was there. I want to be defined by who I am now and who I’m trying to be. I’ve grown a lot and I do think I’ve been avoiding really processing and reflecting on this past year to some extent but I think it’s necessary. So much happened and I want to get my affairs in order so that I can share to my friends and family back home and be genuine about it.

and bc i always tried so hard to fit in and never quite did, i am constantly questioning why people are friends with me at all there. judy, jennifer, grace...

i always think they’re just pitying me and feel bad for me and are reaching out as a result but i dont want to be friends with them bc they feel bad for me. i want to be friends with them bc they see and appreciate me for me and who i am. for the words of advice that i give and my passion and enthusiasm and strong work ethic and personality. not bc i dont fit in. and i dont know if this is actually true or not but i do think there is a part of them that started reaching out to me bc they feel bad for me. i remember i was so surprised when jennifer thought i was so soft spoken bc i think im pretty loud and bold. i dont think im softspoken at all but bc thats who i was in jr high, thats who ive continued to carry.

i have work tomorrow and im worried that i wont wake up in time. i start my internship on tuesday and im afraid that i’ll hate it. i told everyone today that im doing pretty well in terms of where im at in my life and practically speaking, i am in a good place. but i am so scared. of everything. of so many different things. and i need God to provide me with wisdom and security and I just need to trust in Him bc i’m freaking out on my own.

i love God. For sure. Through and through. I am nothing without Him and He has helped me so many times. He is my everything. He is my all. And I really cannot do anything without Him. I don’t trust my own judgment without Him in the picture. I’ve been so eager to rush into these various things as an excuse to not go back to Cali. But I don’t want me only reason for leaving Sa-Rang be bc I don’t “fit in.” Because I do think it’s a spiritually wealthy place and a place where I could really grow. I think it’s just a matter of being true to my identity in Christ and just being so confident in that. Not caring if I don’t fit in. Not caring if my reputation is ruined bc I reached out to someone that isn’t “cool.” But to just serve there bc that’s where God has led me to go. To be. To serve. I don’t think God is leading me to a church outside of Sa-Rang. I think He does want me to invest there. It’s just my own fears that are driving me away.

I was just talking to Grace An and if I really reflect on the past, I definitely do think a part of me is still bitter. I’ve been hurt so badly so many times at Sa-Rang and as a result, there’s a huge lack of trust there. I have opened myself up to them so many times and I feel like bc I wasn’t “cool” or didn’t “fit in,” it was always just brushed off or ignored. I know that fitting in isn’t the goal but it definitely feels like a lack of community. And I don’t want to pin the blame on anyone but I’ve definitely felt pressure from P. Josh and Jenny to stay in Chicago over the summer. It’s way more practical and makes sense. But I don’t think I can. I think I need to go home. And I hate being a flake. I hate not going through with my promises. But I think it might be better for me to go home and face my fears. And I am still afraid. For sure. There’s no way I’m not. And I think this is something that I need to wrestle with and hopefully the answer will become clearer and clearer as this week progresses. But for now, I do feel better after writing this all out and chatting with some friends. Thank you.

#reflection

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drippeddaily · 6 years

Text

Album of the Year #5: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane) - volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)

Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Label: Self-Released

Release Date: January 29, 2017

Listen:

YouTube

Spotify

Bandcamp

Apple Music

Background

Bedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.

After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”

Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:

I keep getting emails from people.

I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.

All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.

what else can i do.

im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.

but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.

polemic yelp review of american heath care system:

"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.

After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.

3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.

I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.

I had been reaching out

Calling.

Emailing.

After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.

I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.

I didn't know what else to do.

What else are you supposed to do.

For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.

Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.

Vomiting children.

Bleeding Fingers.

Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.

Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.

Their broken humilated spouse at their side.

I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.

Surrending my freedom.

Surrender of my routines.

After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.

Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.

Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.

One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.

Not sure what that was about.

Empty though.

A bed and a chair.

Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.

You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.

I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.

I sat and waited in my gown.

Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.

I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.

I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.

I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.

This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.

Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:

"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"

No.

No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.

No.

No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.

wrong answer.

I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.

Back right where I started.

Nobody is gonna help me.

Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.

Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.

By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.

Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .

Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.

On hurting yourself:

This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.

On hurting someone else:

This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.

I've read old yeller.

They dont care. Neither do I.

boo hoo.

Conversely:

lock them in a room and keep them safe.

Is this really that hard?

"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"

How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:

"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"

Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.

It creates that understanding.

In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.

even if that wasn't a real compulsion.

a last resort.

This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more.

"well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".

I'll get better one day.

Not today.

Maybe I'll have fingers.

Maybe I won't."

thanks for the well wishes.

i'm fine.

i'm just angry.

i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.

i hate that you are dealing with this.

Review

I don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.

Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.

The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”

This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”

In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.

While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.

Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.

This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”

The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.

And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.

volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:

I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.

Favorite Lyrics

Crouched down by the tree at his neighbors

He liked the way the bark ripped off like paper

He pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasers

Every step he took turned earth into craters

Little brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuff

Bowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks

“man wearing a helmet”

Waking up in situations

Feeling like I'm living in suspended animation

Guess I'm still sober on occasion

And that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation

“stoop lights”

I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going in

Just shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friend

I don’t want to stretch you more than you extend

I don’t want to spit in the hand that you lend

I did it to myself, I get what I deserve

Thoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerve

I’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt but

I just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth

“stoop lights”

Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a scream

Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green

Bashful baby boy, so distracted by my toys

Rode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, Illinois

On a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegrates

The only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate

“haze of interference”

You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madness

You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?

“haze of interference”

If I was glass I'd revert back to sand

Scattered through the sea, I could pass through your hands

None of this will happen, nothing will ever

The things that I believe can never ever happen

I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall

Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all

“haze of interference”

Talking Points

How does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?

What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?

What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?

I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?

And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?

Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.Label: Self-ReleasedRelease Date: January 29, 2017Listen:YouTubeSpotifyBandcampApple MusicBackgroundBedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:I keep getting emails from people.I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.what else can i do.im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.polemic yelp review of american heath care system:"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.I had been reaching outCalling.Emailing.After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.I didn't know what else to do.What else are you supposed to do.For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.Vomiting children.Bleeding Fingers.Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.Their broken humilated spouse at their side.I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.Surrending my freedom.Surrender of my routines.After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.Not sure what that was about.Empty though.A bed and a chair.Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.I sat and waited in my gown.Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"No.No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.No.No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.wrong answer.I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.Back right where I started.Nobody is gonna help me.Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.On hurting yourself:This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.On hurting someone else:This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.I've read old yeller.They dont care. Neither do I.boo hoo.Conversely:lock them in a room and keep them safe.Is this really that hard?"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.It creates that understanding.In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.even if that wasn't a real compulsion.a last resort.This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more."well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".I'll get better one day.Not today.Maybe I'll have fingers.Maybe I won't."thanks for the well wishes.i'm fine.i'm just angry.i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.i hate that you are dealing with this.ReviewI don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.Favorite LyricsCrouched down by the tree at his neighborsHe liked the way the bark ripped off like paperHe pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasersEvery step he took turned earth into cratersLittle brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuffBowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks“man wearing a helmet”Waking up in situationsFeeling like I'm living in suspended animationGuess I'm still sober on occasionAnd that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation“stoop lights”I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going inJust shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friendI don’t want to stretch you more than you extendI don’t want to spit in the hand that you lendI did it to myself, I get what I deserveThoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerveI’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt butI just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth“stoop lights”Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a screamGreener on the other side, how about nothing's greenBashful baby boy, so distracted by my toysRode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, IllinoisOn a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegratesThe only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate“haze of interference”You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madnessYou're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?“haze of interference”If I was glass I'd revert back to sandScattered through the sea, I could pass through your handsNone of this will happen, nothing will everThe things that I believe can never ever happenI'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wallPick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all“haze of interference”Talking PointsHow does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.

#IFTTT #reddit

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realrhythmskrp · 7 years

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DISPATCH, (05/03/17): Kaleidoscope Records has officially released information about main dancer, lead rapper, and maknae, Im Rihwan, on A-TEAM′s official website! Rihwan is a ‘00 liner and has been beloved by fans since his debut in 2015. Find out more about Rihwan below!

I, IM RIHWAN, have read and understand the terms and conditions as my position of MAKNAE and agree to honor the standards that are to be expected of me as an employee of KALEIDOSCOPE RECORDS.

OOC INFORMATION

Preferred name: jemi

Pronouns: she/her

Timezone: gmt+8

Other muses: N/A

IC INFORMATION

Faceclaim: NCT’s lee jeno

Name: im rihwan

Stage name (if applicable): N/A

Birth date and age: february 1, 2000 (17 years old)

Company name: kaleidoscope records

Group Name: a-team

Group Position: maknae

Positive traits: committed, diligent, cunning, dependable

Negative traits: impatient, manipulative, insecure

PERSONAL HISTORY

he sends his sister text messages regularly, reminding her to toss at least three coins into the wishing pond for his speedy debut.

#ryt:accepted #ryt:kal #ryt:ateam #rytrihwan

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