the misadventures of peony
aka the fic that shouldn't exist (tm)
it's done! this cracky "little" "should have been hammered out in one night" fic is done! thank you to @narcissusbrokenmirror for the idea and granting me coparenting rights. i hope I did peony right by you!
tagging @legolasghosty @innytoes and @jmrothwell with NO pressure whatsoever to read! Y'all were my ask box cheerleaders (thank you) so if you were waiting to see this, here ya go!
on ao3 (2584 words), Rated G. CW for pet snakes and all that entails!
“No, you guys. We don’t have enough room. We don’t have enough time. We can’t get a dog!” Luke looks between all four of his friends and roommates, each sporting their best puppy dog faces, and he sighs before waving them off and turning away, “And put those away. It’s not fair.”
“But Luke! We’ll take care of it! We promise!” Reggie pleads, clasping his hands in front of him to really sell his point.
“Dude, you forget that I TRIED THAT! For years. And literally never once actually followed through on it. We aren’t home enough.”
Alex decides it’s his turn to try, “But you were a kid! We’re all adults!”
He’s met with a chorus of “yeah”s from the group and Luke rolls his eyes.
“No.”
Everyone huffs in frustration as they resign themselves to his veto vote. They’d agreed that decisions like this needed to be unanimous but they don’t have to be happy about the results.
“But what if... what if it wasn't a dog?” Willie asked.
“What do you mean?”
"What about... a bunny?"
Luke rolls his eyes, "You know just because it lives in a cage doesn't mean it's less work than a dog, right? No.”
"So that's a no on a hamster too?" Reggie chimes in
“Yes Reg, that's a no on the hamster too.”
“Damn.”
“What about... a bird? They’re chill,” Willie tries again.
“We're not getting a fucking bird, Willie.”
“A lizard? Oh! One of those bearded dragons! Those are cool.”
Luke glares at them, “No dragons.”
Willie's face falls into a mock pout. "It doesn't even breathe fire!" they exclaim pitifully.
This time, Alex joins Luke in glaring at Willie. “Really?” he chastises them.
Willie offers an unabashed shrug in response.
"What's the lowest maintenance pet we can think of?" Reggie asks in an exaggerated whisper.
Julie huffs, "A goldfish."
“No water!” Luke cries.
“Why not?” Julie counters harshly, hands on her hips. They’re all a little bit frustrated with how stubborn Luke is being and it’s unfortunately starting to break through.
“We have way too many electronics for water to be a good idea. We do NOT need another Reggie fixing his amp in the rain situation.”
“Dude, it's contained in a TANK,” Willie explains.
“You are seriously no fun,” Reggie quips as he fiddles with his sleeves.
Willie's eyes widen as he comes up with a new idea.
Luke sighs before Willie even opens his mouth. "No."
WIllie's face falls into another pout. "You don't even know what I was going to say!"
“I don't need to. No.”
“You only need to feed snakes like once a week. And there's no water,” he pauses to consider his words before continuing. “Well, almost no water. And they're PRETTY!”
Luke’s face pinches in confusion, "What?!"
"A ssssssnake. We should get a snake."
"A snake? Seriously?"
"Yeah, people have them as pets all the time. And they're super chill and low maintenance. Look!" Willie pulls out their phone and starts typing. He stops and turns his phone around for Luke. “See?”
Julie crowds in behind Luke and coos over the picture on the top of the screen.
After giving Luke a moment to read, she plucks Willie's phone out of his hand. Julie walks around to Alex and Reggie showing it to them.
Reggie's jaw drops and a contemplative look crosses Alex's face.
"Willie has a point, you know," Alex says after a moment.
"How do you mean?"
"We could have a super cool, super fun pet. It's low maintenance enough that we could ask Carlos to feed it like once a week when we're away. We don't need to take it out for walks. Just... clean the tank every once in a while."
Luke groans, "Are you serious? Can we at least sleep on the idea of it before we start talking about it?"
Reggie grins, "So you're saying we can talk about it?"
Luke offers a resigned sigh, “Tomorrow.”
That earns Luke whooping cheers from everyone else. He can't help the small quirk of his lips at their excitement but quickly returns his face to its solemn expression before they can notice.
“Can we get back to rehearsal now?” he asks once the others have started to calm down.
“Sir! Yes, sir!” Reggie salutes. He’s met with an eye roll from Luke and laughter from the others but they quickly find their positions, picking back up where they’d left off before being derailed by the pet talk.
—
They’d agreed, some with more resistance than others, that this was for the best. Reggie and Julie didn’t need to know EVERYTHING and it was fine.
Except that when Willie got home with that week’s meal for Peony, he was surprised to find both Reggie and Julie hanging out with her.
Reggie notices Willie’s entrance and lights up. He eyes the package in Willie’s hands and nudges Julie. She turns and directs a smile Willie’s way.
“Whatchu got there?” she asks, pointing at the box.
“Uh, nothing?” They reply awkwardly as he tries to shield it from them.
“Uh huh, convincing,” Reggie says with a grin. He takes a few steps toward Willie, who moves backwards each time Reggie gets closer.
Julie looks between the guys and lets a mischievous grin take over her own face. “Is it something we can’t see?” she asks carefully.
“No?” Willie answers, cursing himself for apparently completely losing the ability to lie at some point in the last five minutes. He puts the box behind his back for good measure.
Julie joins Reggie’s mission to solve the mystery of the box. She swoops behind Willie to grab it from their hands.
Willie sighs in resignation as he watches her peel back the lid.
Julie squeals in excitement as she holds the box out to Reggie. “Look at it! It’s so cuuuute!”
Reggie joins her and lets out a squeal of his own.
They fawn over the mouse for a moment before turning to look up at Willie.
“How’d you convince Luke?” Julie asks.
“Uhhhhh, I didn’t?” he tries and Julie narrows her eyes at him but otherwise accepts their answer. Apparently she has better things to do than interrogate them. She returns her attention to the mouse.
Willie runs a hand down his face as he muffles a sigh. They know this is going to end poorly. He lets Reggie and Julie take their time cooing over the small animal while he tries to figure out how to get them back out of the house so he can feed Peony.
They send a quick text off to Alex and Luke who promptly respond with a plan. A few moments later, Reggie’s phone rings and he’s ushering Julie out of the house on whatever errand Luke had sent them on.
—
They somehow manage to make it a few more weeks without any questions from Reggie and Julie. The half-lie that Luke didn’t let the mice stay seemed to do most of the heavy lifting for them and casual deflection worked for the rest. Until it didn’t.
—
Julie and Reggie burst through the door with a very resistant Carlos in tow.
“I told you I don’t want to!” he exclaims as he struggles against them.
“Just come meet her!” Julie insists as she gives another tug of his wrist.
“She’s a sweetheart,” Reggie adds, “you’ll love her.”
“Just give her a chance!” Julie pleads. She turns her most powerful puppy dog eyes on Carlos. He rolls his eyes back at her. She sighs. Right, sibling immunity. She nudges Reggie who immediately takes the hint.
He widens his eyes with his most pathetic expression and it’s Carlos’ turn to sigh, “You can show her to me. But I’m staying back here.”
“Yes!” Julie cheers. She turns toward the room, confused by the sight she’s met with. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” Willie says from their position in front of Peony’s enclosure. They’re flanked on either side by Alex and Luke, blocking the others from being able to see their pet snake.
Reggie gasps as panic overtakes him, “Is she… Is she okay?!”
“She’s fine,” Alex sighs.
“You weren’t supposed to be home yet,” Luke adds, directing a quick look over his shoulder.
“What’s… why are you blocking her?” Reggie asks. He walks toward them and the trio tighten up their formation.
Julie makes her way around Reggie and stands in front of the others. “Move, please,” she says, less of a question than it probably could be.
“No, I don’t think I will,” Alex replies casually, crossing his arms over his chest for good measure.
“I assure you, you do not want to see what’s behind us,” Willie adds, silently pleading with his eyes for her to drop it.
Luke directs his own puppy dog look her way and she rolls her eyes. “That doesn’t work on me, remember?”
Julie’s about to just push through them when Carlos speaks up from his spot by the door, “They don’t know how you feed it yet, do they?”
Everyone’s eyes widen at once and Carlos would laugh at the sight if he wasn’t halfway terrified. Julie and Reggie both round on him. Then look back at the guys. And then back at Carlos.
“Show me,” Julie insists, pushing between Luke and Willie. Her hand immediately covers her mouth in horror. Reggie’s at her side in an instant and his own jaw drops.
“You… I…” Reggie stammers. His eyes turn glassy.
Reggie turns to Julie and the tears in his eyes seemingly grant hers permission to fall.
“Oh, that poor little guy,” she cries feebly.
Alex, Luke, and Willie exchange concerned looks. Alex wraps Julie up into his arms while Luke does the same for Reggie. They hold the pair as they let out their cries of distress.
“I told you this would happen,” Willie huffs at them, though any annoyance in their voice is belied by the fond look on their face. They can’t really fault Alex and Luke for wanting to delay this moment for as long as possible.
Carlos coughs out a bitter laugh, “Why do you think I didn’t want to do this?”
Julie’s lip wobbles as she turns to him. She doesn’t leave Alex’s arms but he loosens them slightly so that she can move. “I… I just thought maybe you were just weirded out by snakes.”
Carlos rolls his eyes. “I told you I was never coming here again after you got it-”
“Her!” Reggie corrects forcefully through his own residual tears. He pushes himself away from Luke, wiping at his face.
Julie offers him her hand and he grabs it immediately.
Carlos corrects himself with another eyeroll, “Her. You thought I’d refuse to be here if I was just ‘weirded out’ by snakes?” Carlos accentuates the words with finger quotes.
“She’s harmless!” Julie cries.
“Well, mostly,” Reggie murmurs woefully. “If you’re not small and adorable.”
“I’m small and adorable!” Julie pouts.
Reggie squeezes her hand in silent comfort. “And squeaky,” he adds. “You’re not squeaky.”
Julie grins at that. “Not most of the time, anyway.”
“Anyway,” Carlos interjects from his position by the door. “I came, I saw, I’m leaving. You can find someone else to help with your weird pet. It won’t be me.”
The five of them watch him leave in stunned silence before Willie realizes that he’d probably not driven himself there. They run after him, stopping to grab the keys and slip on their shoes on the way.
Willie just manages to get his second shoe on when Carlos pops his head back in the door.
“Yes, I’ll drive you home,” Willie tells him preemptively.
“Thanks.” Carlos waves back at the others, “Bye! Good luck with…” he gestures toward Julie and Reggie, “that.”
He disappears out the door again and Willie follows him. “Try not to inflict any more trauma on them!” they call out as they shut the door.
“Is it… is she… done?” Julie asks with a small voice.
Luke hazards a look into Peony’s enclosure. “Well, as done as she can be for now,” he tells her.
“Do they have to be,” Reggie shudders and Luke wraps an arm around his shoulders, “alive?”
“We tried,” Alex explains slowly, “but unfortunately she’s a bit picky. We didn’t want you to have to see it.”
“So when Willie had that…” Julie trails off.
Luke turns to her with a sad look in his eyes, “Yeah, Peony snack.”
Julie takes a deep breath and leans her head back, holding back a fresh set of tears. She crawls into Alex’s sweater as best she can. He groans but doesn’t otherwise fight her. He even tries to give her some extra space. It’s an emergency situation and if anyone’s going to be granted the right to stretch it out, it’s Julie. He almost goes as far as offering to take it off for her but stops when she glares at him.
After another deep breath, Julie speaks up again, “Okay, Peony snack. I guess now we know.”
“And you can tell us when it’s time to feed her and we’ll just make sure we’re somewhere else,” Reggie adds. He shudders, “Anywhere else.”
“But now we have to figure out what to do if we can’t rely on Carlos,” Luke says. “She won’t last our full tour without food.”
“I’m sure there’s somebody who can help. And if not, I guess we’ll just have to hire someone,” Alex responds with a sigh. They don’t yet make enough money to spend on too much frivolity and none of them will be very excited to lose what little they do have to a pet sitter. Even if it’s only once a week.
“We have time,” Julie assures them. They still have a few months until their next tour kicks off.
“Guess Luke had a point,” Reggie pouts. He quickly raises a finger and sticks it in Luke’s face. “Not a word!”
Luke mimes zipping his mouth closed but can’t mask the beaming look on his face. It intensifies with Julie’s giggle.
“Who knew Carlos was scared of snakes?” she wonders aloud. Julie grins as she shakes her head in amusement, “You think you know a person.”
—
Luke sighs as he takes in their wall of tanks and enclosures, each housing a different pet that he’d somehow been talked into. “You say no to one dog,” he mutters under his breath. “How did this even happen?” he wonders aloud, slightly louder than before and Julie manages to hear him and laughs as she walks over to stand beside him.
“Peony loves her friends. And now she’s not lonely when we’re gone,” she tells him with a grin.
“She’s a freaking snake,” Luke mumbles. “How lonely can she get?”
Julie chuckles and pats him on the shoulder before handing him his guitar, “Well, think of it this way: now you have a built-in audience for rehearsals.”
Luke groans as he slips the guitar strap over his head, “Fine.”
“Could have just said yes to the dog!” Alex chimes in from his spot behind his drumkit and Luke glares at him. “But I do love Crush and Squirt, so thanks for that,” he grins at Luke and is met with another harsh glare.
“No more!” Luke insists as he settles in behind his microphone and nods his head toward Julie and Reggie to get themselves situated which they quickly do.
“Yes, Dad!” Reggie giggles as he nods toward Alex who counts them in.
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