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whollyhapa · 2 years

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Mutant--A Namor Fanfiction Ch. 1

Hey ya'll!! First fic I've ever posted, please enjoy! Long-winded romance, contains eventual smut. Making it up as I go along, any recommendations or comments welcome!

You can find me on ao3 with the same username, @ whollyhapa! Thank you aaaaaaaaaa

Summary: Your escape route goes wrong and you plummet into Wakanda's waters. What awaits you?

You hear only a pair of footsteps and soft beeping at first.

A man’s voice. “Her vitals?”

A soft, young, lilting voice. “Stable. But look at this.”

Why are your lids so heavy? It smells like a fucking hospital in here.

“What am I looking at?”

“It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. The tissue and bone are knitting themselves together at nearly nine times the normal rate of the human body.”

“And what about..?” The sentence trails off into dumbfounded silence. The young voice picks up again.

“I…can’t say for certain. It's remarkable to say the least.”

“It’s a problem before anything else.”

The sounds of the pacing circles you like a lion but the voice stays soft and confident. “Let us be already. We’ll find out who she is sooner or later.”

A pause, and then the man’s voice grunts, “If she turns out to be–”

“She needs to turn out alive before she can turn into anything for you to want to use. Now get lost, colonizer, I am working.”

Another grunt, and then the heavier footsteps fade off with an echo.

Are you in a spaceship? Or a cavern? This doesn’t feel like a hospital bed. You’re laying on your stomach on what feels like a cold metal slab and your left side feels like it’s on fire. You want to open your eyes but the drugs pumped into your system don’t let you do more than empty your chest cavity with a low groan. God, your head is killing you.

The pacing footsteps stop and start approaching you, and you use every ounce of returning-strength in your body to open half of one eye. A slim silhouette, backlit by bubbles of futuristic lighting greets you. The shadowy woman bends over to greet you at eye level and you see her face more clearly now that it’s in front of your limp body–a pretty young woman with dark skin and concerned eyes. You open your other eye and hold her gaze, unsure of her intentions and willing yourself to look fierce. You wish your lifeless body would start working pretty soon, or fighting your way out of here is not an option.

“You shattered your scapula,” the woman says bluntly, before standing straight up again and walking out of view. “Along with a few ribs. How does your left side feel?”

Flexing your fingers a bit and wincing, you manage to mumble, “Where am I?”. Thank the gods, some sensation is returning to you. You still don’t know whether you’re speaking to a savior or a captor and you need to be more alert.

Work, body, work.

“Safe,” she quips back, and a whirring sound starts to hum beneath the table you lay on. “And isolated. A better question is, where are you from?” She appears back into your sideways view, fingers thumbing a bead on her bracelet. “We found you washed up on a beach within our borders. Not just anyone can breach our barriers.”

“I fell,” you grit back, slowly slinking your arms up the table and trying to brace your torso up with your elbows. “I didn’t mean to. Where am I?”

The woman walks back into view, thumbing the beads again and staring at some sort of shimmering projection in front of her. “You’re in Wakandan territory. Birnin Zana, to be exact. Receiving treatment.” She turns to stare down at you again, this time her gaze more hardened. “My name is Shuri, queen of Wakanda, and you’re currently a trespasser in my country. I need to know who you are.”

Just your luck. Flee an institution, pass out and plummet into the most dangerous, mysterious country in the world. How honest can you be with this country’s leader while simultaneously hightailing it out of here as fast as possible?

Shuri must catch the panicked look that flashes across your face, because she sighs and decides to change the question, closing the hologram and gesturing to your back. “Can you at least give me some insight as to…” She trails off, gesturing more wildly. “...what you are?”

You turn your head slightly to follow where she pantomimes, realizing what she’s referring to, and you flex your back to further unfurl your wings.

Now, you’ve lived several lifetimes of unpleasantries. You aren’t fond of the many times you’ve been poked, prodded, and tortured to excruciating limits in white rooms with white coats crowded around your whimpering body. And you doubt the sterile stench of the institutions that housed you will ever leave your nose at this point.

But whether you liked it or not, vile scientists in the pits of Eastern Europe sixty years ago had graced you with wings. Long, beautiful, white-with-black-speckled wings, rooting at your traps and extending halfway down your back. It pains you to unfurl them for Shuri, what with your broken scapula and all, but pride surges when you flex them, the wings themselves unbroken from your fall. Shuri’s arms drop as she marvels at them for a moment.

Gauging how honest you can be with this new stranger, who also happens to be the leader of a deadly country, you piece your words together as you utter them, cheek pressing against metal and gaze lowered. “I was…made. In a lab. Many years ago. A project of genetics, by scientists. An organization. They wanted to…improve the human form. Change it. I was…the result.”

You feel more shame than you’d like to admit, although you don’t know why. You just want to leave this place; feel the high of your escape once more, feel the wind whistling through your feathers and in your ears, at an altitude no human could endure. The sterile smell of Shuri’s lab is starting to become unbearable.

“Not hostile,” you add, flicking your eyes back up to meet Shuri’s awed gaze. “Just a freak wanting out. I was pretty high up when I fell. I must’ve landed in your waters. I just need to be out of here.”

“You fell? How can I know that? That you’re not some Western spy looking instead to steal our secrets and plunder our riches?” Shuri narrows her eyes. “Too many strangers have been popping up in our lands claiming innocence as of late.”

You don’t know how else to tell her that you want no wealth, no riches, no secrets. You’ve been kept a secret yourself for far too long. All you desire for the rest of your days, all your yearn for is a cool, clear sky–the finality of freedom. The response you come up with is less than satisfactory, and sounds a little too preachy, but it’s all you have. You turn your head and press your forehead into the cold metal.

“My past is my past. My escape was final. I don’t doubt your past was also blood-filled. Can we not be born anew?”

The conversation ends there, and you think your words strike a chord with the queen. Shuri waves some assistants over who, after some coaxing, you allow to hold you as they help you sit up on the metal table. One assistant gingerly wraps your shoulder and torso in some sort of binding cloth, winding it around your wings. Another tends to the various bruising along your side, slathering a kind of poultice on the open wounds. A third approaches you with a sleek silver needle in her hands, which you frantically reject. The assistant frowns, placing the needle back on her table. As they ease you back down on the table, belly-down once more, you notice Shuri step forward again.

“Would you like to meet the man that pulled you from our waters?” she asks.

“He should have left me limp on that beach,” You grunt in return, lids beginning to feel heavy again. This isn’t the safe space you fantasized, but it’ll have to do for now. For now, sleep and recovery.

Your supposed savior can wait.

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Author's note: Thank you for reading!!

#namor fic #namor fanfiction #namor x you #wakanda forever #wakanda forever spoilers #eventual smut #black panther 2 #its a slow burn but trust me

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thelivingautomaton · 9 months

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hello time of wheelies, i am still livetweeting the books but i am now done with book 2 and figured you all might want an update, the most important being: y'all were right about the religious freaks with coffee, good god

yeah so let's start there with the seanchan because hooooooooly fuck

literally every time any of the seanchan are on the page i just sat there open-mouthed going "oh my god these guys are such FREAKS". but it's also so galaxy brained of robert jordan to introduce another antagonistic faction but have them be completely unconnected to the ongoing battle of dark vs light + unrelated to all the other factions in the setting?

and all the insane details about their culture. the nails! the blood! the insect-like armor! THE GROLM? (they're dimension-hopping colonizers????) also i only picked up on it b/c i was on the lookout but when lord turak is talking about "caf" and saying that the aroma is almost better than the taste, i literally sat up and yelled THOSE FUCKS HAVE COFFEE

for real though it is so unbelievably funny/based for rj to be like, okay, the prophesied last battle between the forces of good and evil is about to take place, world-shattering apocalypse, make or break. meanwhile, some guys from across the ocean are gonna invade and Do A Colonialism.

also, the damane? UNBELIEVABLY fucked on every conceptual level. special shoutout to renna's cloyingly patronizing treatment of egwene though, that shit actually made my stomach churn. (also also, shoutout to nynaeve for immediately seeing the damane/sul'dam/a'dam for what they are and reacting with the extremest revulsion when she has to put the bracelet on, love u bb girl <3)

kinda wanted at least one comedic interaction in the battle of falme where a bunch of seanchan soldiers run into The Actual Ghost Of Artur Hawkwing and lose their shit though. actually i thought it was soooooo funny as a narrative choice to have the horn blown but you barely see what happens in the big clash on the ground cos you're in rand's pov and he's too busy fighting ba'alzamon in a giant laser light show in the sky

(i still. don't really understand how that worked exactly but WHATEVER, it's fine. sad about the heron blade though ;-; but at least rand got to "prove" he has/had the right to it beforehand when he defeated turak. without channeling, even! which makes it 5x more badass)

also i thought it was interesting that by around the midway point of the book you have the pov characters dealing with three different factions whose way of doing things seems strange and alien: the seanchan, the aiel, and the cairhien nobles with the great game. just thought it was an interesting parallel

also, rand trying his best to Not Participate in the great game and just getting pulled in deeper was never not funny, sorry not sorry. rand and co infiltrating barthanes's mansion to try and grab the horn and the dagger was Peak D&D Heist energy and i loved it

the other big thing that had me losing my shit was surprise! parallel dimensions

LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK. the moment that the realization hit that the washed-out otherworld that rand/hurin/loial found themselves in was an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE where artur hawkwing didn't defeat the trollocs, i fucking went crazy. and then loial talking about the excerpt from "mirrors of the wheel" and going on about worlds that are shadows of the real world! i was hooting and hollering and going "this is just like chronicles of amber" (which i highly recommend for y'all, VERY different vibe compared to wheel of time but they're super fun and you'll love them if you like the whack-ass stealthy sci-fi/genre blends in WOT)

and then the escalation to rand actively trying to use the stone and flickering through countless permutations of his own life? utterly fucking bananas. also: unbearably tragic! literally what if you lived out hundreds of versions of your life but despite the seemingly-infinite choices open to you, they all really boil down to one choice: play the role that's meant for you and be doomed by the narrative, or don't play and be doomed anyways. like. FUCK

robert jordan i am begging you to give me more insane alternate realities for your made up fantasy universe, i am begging you for more insane creepy shit like the otherworld being devoid of people and all the color washed out since it's a "weak reflection", it is SO GOOD

this is tangentially related but: i knew who """selene""" really was going in, but i did NOT know her introduction in the books was this fucking batshit, and also that she comes across as literally the shadiest motherfucker alive. "oooh, here i am in my pretty white dress being attacked by a beast, come save me! no i don't know how i got here, i was just riding! don't mind how i know a surprisingly specific amount about the portal stones! you're my hero! you can blow the horn and be a great man!" unironically i love her so much for this scheme, and how it plays off so well vs rand's insistence that he's just a shepherd + his starting to settle into the position of "lord" and/or "dragon"

but fr though i think this conflict is sooooo interesting as a central narrative theme, i.e. the choice to seek out glory and heroism for its own sake vs taking it upon yourself as your duty because there's no one else who can vs running away from that duty and responsibility. "We may be a poor pair of heroes, but we are what there is." "It was not what I was made for, but all was breaking apart, and they were alone, and I was all they had." everything with rand feeling the "threads" of his duties and "death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain" and the idea of choosing to sheathe the blade in yourself when the moment comes. and how that ties in with ingtar's final choice and his sacrifice!

it's all about the CHOICE!!! this is literally me irl rn:

oh my god what else. i loved getting so much more detail on the aes sedai (who are basically underfunded academics constantly squabbling among their respective departments, i have decided) and how channeling works/feels. (the parallel between the girls imagining saidar as a flower vs rand feeling saidin as the flame and void with a sickly light in it. chef's kiss!!! but also, rand simultaneously craving saidin and being sickened by it? chewing glass about it, nbd) verin mathwin aka The Aes Sedai Ever is unbelievably great. a lot of this book felt like buildup so i'm hype for things to start popping off, especially now that rand has apparently accepted the mantle of dragon. these books are crazy and i love them

#wheel of time #the wheel of time #wot book spoilers

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conjuremanj · 1 year

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Bottle Trees & How To Make One & How To Know If You Cought One?

Have you ever been driving through Louisiana, or any other southern states, and noticed a tree with colored bottles either hanging from it or stuck onto their branches? Natives of Africa have hung hand-blown glass on huts and trees to ward off evil spirits ( negative energy) since the ninth century, and maybe even earlier.

The Legend is told that the spirits are attracted to the sparkling color of the bottles, blue ones seemingly more enticing to spirits. The moaning sound that the bottles make by the wind is proof that a spirit ( Negative Spirit Energy) is trapped within.

Where Did Bottle Trees Originate:

Bottle trees originated in the Congo of West Africa and date back to at least the ninth century. Very soon after European colonizers noticed the practice in Africa, bottle trees were also observed in the Caribbean in Black communities comprised of people brought there from West Africa via the trans-Atlantic slave trade. Bottle Trees are traditional for a African Diasporic religion or practice like voodoo or hoodoo.

These early accounts the bottle trees were used to ward off a variety of dangers that could destroy a home, such as thieves, evil spells and bad spirits. If you hung bones and bottles in your mango tree, for instance, thieves wouldn't touch the fruit. Basically seeing the tree like this and not knowing what it is we're scared a person off the property.

Hoodoo and the Tradition of Bottle Trees:

Bottle trees are a practice in Hoodoo. The idea behind bottle trees in the Hoodoo tradition is that the world is full of marauding spirits, usually up to no good. In the south of of Louisiana where I'm at, we believe they can enter your house if you're not careful, wreaking havoc — However, these evil spirits are very interested in spangly glass bottles. If you hang them on trees outside your house, the spirits will check the bottle out and become trapped inside, and in the morning when the sun comes up, they will be destroyed in the bottle by the sunlight.

If you're not sure the light of day has really done its job, you can cork the bottle, take it to the river and throw it in the water. A bad spirit (Haint) has no chance against the river because, according to legend, they absolutely hate water. (In mist religions dark energies and or spirits don't like nor can cross running water)

What Are Haunts? Now you herd me mentioned the world Haint. A haint is a restless ghost (spirit) who has not left the world, but has remained behind to haunt the living with trickery that is most often harmless, but there are some that can be more sinister in nature. Due to the vengeful and tricky its intentions of haunts, warding them off is understandably a priority. Hoodoo, sometimes referred to as rootwork, conjure or even lowcountry voodoo, would offer protection from evil. But at night, the boo hag would shed the skin and go looking for a victim to "ride," depleting the victim's energy or possibly even suffocating them.

Make Your Own Bottle Tree:

Turn a tree in your yard into one. The bottle should be placed upside down with the mouth of the bottle facing the trunk. You can also hang them from branches.

Where can I get a bottle? Bud Light platinum bottle is the haint blue.

Do I Need It In A Tree? No you can have in a bush well. Some also place them on the ground.

How Do I Know If I Caught One? The bottom will tip over or you can light a incense around it and if the smoke flows into the bottom you cought one.

Bottle Trees Are Used to Honor the Dead:

Bottle trees also have a special connection to the venerated dead. " The distinctive blue bottles were placed on tree limbs to capture the energy, spirit and memories of ancestors." Important and beloved relatives and community members and when they died, their tombs would be marked with large bottle trees, all sorts of vessels — bowls, cups, bottles, pots and pans — as well as knives, forks and bracelets.

How Do I Know If I Caught One?

You will here a whistle sound like the wind blowing into it.

The bottom will tip over.

You can light a incense around it and if the smoke flows into the bottom you cought one.

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skylarstark4826 · 2 months

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Shuri sighs once more.

She can totally do this.

She is just on her way to an ONU gala; it shouldn’t be a big deal since she has accompanied her mother to some when she took the throne of Wakanda and is for a good cause too, something about world hunger and Wakanda being supportive.

The whole thing was easy, to be honest, she just needed to go, smile, and look pretty. She wasn’t going to be alone since Aneka and Okoye were going to be right behind her, watching her back like always but still, something fell off, something fell…

Well, if she is honest, it wasn’t something, it was someone, someone that was going to be there too.

She groans frustrated.

“What is the matter now?”, Aneka asks.

“Nothing”, she answers, trying to entertain herself with the bracelet on her wrist, which didn’t help much because it was the one he gave her.

Aneka makes a sound like she doesn’t believe her but won’t insist on the matter.

“Well, if our queen is ready then, the car is already here to take us to the gala”.

Shuri sighs again, leaving the bracelet alone to look at herself in the mirror for the last time.

“You look beautiful, my queen”, Aneka says.

“I’m not worried about my appearance, Aneka”.

It takes a second for Aneka to understand.

“Oh”, she blinks several times while Shuri breathes a little of confidence in, “it's him you’re worried about”.

“Excuse me?”, Shuri asks, looking at her between confused and panicked for a moment.

Aneka smiled.

“Nothing, my queen, we should leave now. Come, come”.

And Shuri decides to exit the hotel room after looking at Aneka in a suspicious way for a second or two.

When she sits in the car, between Aneka and Okoye, she clenches her fists so hard, she thinks she’ll rip her skin.

There are a lot of flashes and people calling her name when they arrive at the gala.

Aneka and Okoye step aside (but not too far) so photos could be taken, and Shuri lets them, used to their attention by now. She smiles and waves and when she feels like there are enough photos to last a lifetime on the internet, Okoye, and Aneka escort her out of the carpet, directly to the gala.

But before they could arrive at the main entrance, a reporter recognizes Shuri and stops her and, before Okoye could push the woman away, Shuri stopped and greeted her, to answer her questions. (Aneka gives Okoye a glare and Okoye pretends she didn’t see it).

While Shuri answered some questions about how Wakanda was contributing to the cause the gala was promoting, a fangirl cheer suddenly filled the red carpet, interrupting the interview. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look for the cause of the commotion and it didn’t surprise Shuri (or anyone for that matter) when they discovered the whole cause was the arrival of another politician, the Talokanil one.

Namor stepped out of the car the ONU issued for him and his companions (no other than Namora and Attuma of course) and, after nodding at all the attention he was receiving, he stood in the same place Shuri did a few moments before to let them photograph him. Of course, he didn’t really smile and was a little stiffer than normal while Namora and Attuma waited where Aneka and Okoye did.

Talokan had been assisting to ONU meetings for a while now. After colonizers insisted on looking for vibranium, Talokan and Wakanda were forced from hiding to defend themselves again and this time, Talokan had to open up to the world (not much like Wakanda had) in order to make their points established. As far as she knows, no one has tried to mess up with Talokan again and Namor was managing the politician thing like a champ, so well that he had a fan club and a lot of people crushing on him.

She wants to believe she finds the whole thing stupid and exaggerated (but if she is honest, she will be the president of said fan club), and well, is not like his way of presenting himself helps. He has mastered the occidental way too fast and too well, at least faster than she ever did.

Shuri is not aware of her staring until his eyes find her. She then realizes what she has done and panics enough to not finish the interview with the reporter. Thanks to Bast, Okoye, and Aneka notice and get her to the gala with a sense of urgency.

Once inside and after greeting from afar other African politicians, she sees a waiter passing with a drink and she doesn’t think twice before taking it and gulping it down her throat.

“Wow, my queen, are you alright?”, Aneka asks, while Okoye stayed suspiciously quiet. “Why you drank that champagne like it was water?”

Shuri doesn’t answer, too busy trying not to feel embarrassed.

“She froze”, Okoye answers instead and Aneka is confused.

“What do you mean?”

“She froze at the sight of Namor”.

“And?”

Okoye looks at her like she can’t believe it.

“Is this that old joke with T'Challa and Nakia?”

“Okoye”, Shuri calls, already recuperated, “don’t start”.

Okoye grins.

“Oh, don’t worry, my queen, this is the continuation”.

“Ungoyena umbi".

Aneka kind of understands now.

For most of the night, she makes small talk with other politicians to avoid the absolute hell of Namor.

She catches herself looking for him from time to time and sometimes she has the misfortune of getting caught, but she never gets to see if he takes offense to it, since she looks away almost immediately.

Thanks to Bast too, she gets to be sited far from him and after some boring speeches from the organizing committee and very unseasoned food, everyone grabs a partner to the dancefloor.

Shuri doesn’t get invited (she is glad actually) so she stays at the table, trying to get her insides together. She needed to stop acting like a damn teenager whenever that man was close. But she really can’t and Okoye comparing her to T’Challa when he saw Nakia after a long time, didn’t help either.

(It was ironic she thinks since she is pretty sure Okoye didn’t trust and didn’t like Namor until she was officially introduced to Attuma. Then suddenly, there was a lot of teasing, and she got the audacity to get mad when she teased her back about how Attuma and her spared like it was fun).

She sighs, realizing just now that she unconsciously had been fidgeting with the bracelet again. She was looking at said bracelet when she felt a warm and familiar presence close to her.

Her heart skips a beat and every damn hair of her body stands. She almost reacts like a damn cat when she sees his hand appear in front of her.

He is wearing a neutral expression when she finds his face.

“Will Queen Shuri allow me this dance?”

She stares at him for a few seconds, frozen, until she swears, she can feel Okoye and Aneka making fun of her from somewhere in the room.

“Yes, why not?”, she answers, before she takes his hands.

He takes her to the dance floor and, with each step, her heart beats faster.

“I didn’t know you knew how to dance”, she casually comments, a few moments after they started to dance.

“There are a few things I learned from surface-dwellers”.

“You adapt quickly”.

“Is that, or dying”, she ignores how warm his hand on her waist feels at that moment.

There are a few seconds of silence, only interrupted by the way her dress brushes with his suit pants.

“You look beautiful, by the way”, Shuri gulps, looking away.

“Thank you. You don’t look bad yourself”.

“I know”, she looks at him then, about to critique his immense ego, but then she discovers that he is smirking pleased. “I mean, you stared by two whole minutes when I arrived”.

She forgot how to breathe for a second and she actually thanked Bast that he is holding her at that moment. She just wished he couldn’t see that she was blushing all over the place.

“It was difficult not to stare when every grown-up person on the carpet was fangirling about you”.

“Does that include you too? I don’t certainly mind if it includes you”.

She rolls her eyes and decides to ignore his whole comment and concentrate on their dancing. It was pretty good, compared to what it could actually be.

“If it makes you feel better, I stared at you too”.

Shuri almost chokes on her own spit.

“What?”

He doesn’t avoid her eyes, which makes her think that he is actually serious.

“That I stared at you too. When I got to see you clearly. You have always been breathtaking, Shuri”.

For some reason, her entire body is acting funny. Her stomach feels like it has a whole apiary inside, her heart is about to burst out of her chest and her head is going in circles.

He complimented her before, why this makes her feel like she is about to die of happiness?

And the worse part of it all is that he is looking at her like he means it like he absolutely and completely believes what he just said.

She lets him guide her through the dance after that, till the song is over and they don’t have any more excuses to be on the dancefloor.

“It's nice to know you are still using my mother’s bracelet”, and when she looks, he is holding the hand of the wrist where she is wearing it.

“It means a lot to me”, they stare at each other, while around everyone is starting to dance again, like in those sappy romance movies her mother secretly liked to see with her.

“I’m glad to hear that”, and he can’t hide the smile that burst on his lips. And she surprises herself by smiling back at him, while his hand is still holding hers.

M’Baku clears his throat just when she finished giving the council the report about the ONU gala.

The whole room falls silent, and Shuri looks at him from the throne, waiting.

“And did our queen freeze?”

It takes her more than she will have liked to understand what he meant.

“Like an antelope in the headlights”, Okoye answers without wasting time.

“I did not!”, Shuri protests, but is late since everyone is laughing at her already.

"I believe, estimated members of the council, that you all owe me money".

"You bet on me?"

They all answer laughing, and Shuri is left speechless...again.

"Well, well, well", Attuma starts and, since Namor knew what was coming, he started looking for a way to disappear from his own throne room (like it was even possible).

But then, Attuma turns to Namora and stretches his hand. Namora groans before she gets something shiny from her pockets and gives it mumbling curses to him.

"You have always been such a sour loser".

"Wait", Namor intervenes, "what did you two bet this time?"

"Namora here bet you weren't going to ask Shuri to dance", Attuma said, smiling quite brightly, almost like a shark.

Namor blinks.

"And I lost", she complains.

"Why are you two like this?"

"Why do you fall for the first princess you meet?"

Namor opens his mouth but nothing comes out, just bubbles.

Attuma's laugh is all that fills the throne room then.

#nashuri #namor x shuri #shuri x namor #namor and shuri #namor of talokan #shuri of wakanda #king namor #princess shuri #nashuri fanart #namor x shuri fanart #black panther #black panter wakanda forever #namor mcu #namuri

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female-malice · 1 year

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All countries sell snake oil, not just China. What is up with your weird new fixation on them lol. Not sure what racism is going to help but go off I guess

I'm not even talking about snake oil. Like I said, I don't really care about pseudoscience as long as all you're doing is scamming humans. People all over the world sell magic water and magic bracelets. I don't care. That's not the topic I'm discussing here.

I'm specifically looking at global wildlife trafficking. Should I lie and pretend China doesn't run a global wildlife trafficking network?

One of the main wildlife trafficking problems in the US is venus fly traps. And I did mention venus fly traps in one of my posts. It's one of the few illegal wildlife trades that China isn't involved in. If your wildlife trafficking knowledge was limited to South East US, you might not understand how China is involved.

If you have an America-centric viewpoint, I guess you just wouldn't know. You wouldn't know about the catastrophic destruction Chinese wildlife trafficking has on Latin America, Africa, and Asia. China uses wildlife trafficking as a tool of colonization.

If you want to find out what this actually looks like, watch the Poacher's Pipeline.

youtube

Also Sea of Shadows.

Also The Tiger Mafia

Pangolin

youtube

Ivory

#cc

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twoidiotwriters1 · 1 year

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Copycat: Genesis —(Marvel Fem!Oc)

A/N: Guys tell me how do I get over the GoG Vol.3 movie pls it’s all i can think about -Danny

Words: 1,709

Phase Six Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

xvii: K'uk'ulkan

They were taken to a small housing in the cave, with colorful murals in and out of it. They found K'uk'ulkan there, or Namor, as Shuri and the others had been calling them. Cat still hadn't made up her mind as to which name she was supposed to use.

"Princess," the man spoke in English, he got up to greet them. "Welcome."

His eyes landed on Cat, and she held his gaze unsure of how to feel about him. He looked smart and strong, but not necessarily dangerous. He was also handsome, but for the first time in her life, Cat didn't think flirting was the right call.

"My warriors tell me you go by Co'kat," he said, grabbing a teal-colored cape from behind him. "But I have the feeling you go by many names..." Namor approached and placed the cape around her shoulders, Cat stayed still. "Like me."

"Maybe I do," Cat closed the cape in place, its brooch seemed to be golden vibranium. "But Co'kat is the name my father's people gave me, it belongs to me only, and I felt... I heard you'd be more interested in knowing what I am, instead of who."

He smiled. "Both are good options, in my opinion," he pointed at the table. "Please, feel free."

Although he was being polite, Cat knew she wasn't an equal in his eyes. She was something interesting, but not like them. She wasn't royalty, so she stood behind Shuri while the princess approached the table.

"This is beautiful," the girl pointed at a bracelet.

"That was my mother's," he picked it up and handed it to Shuri.

"These are all Mesoamerican artifacts," she pointed out. "Most likely 16th century... have you been alive since then?"

Namor only looked at them.

"Your mother was human?"

He nodded. "She was. Then she became something else..."

The man then told them the story of their people, and how they were driven to the ocean after colonizers took their land. His mother had ingested a plant to save him while she was pregnant.

"I was a mutant."

His words resonated in Cat's mind. Now she understood why he wanted to meet her. She'd told his warriors she was a mutant too, and probably made him curious. It did not mean he wanted to be friends. He had no love for the world above water, and that was Cat's home.

"Why are you telling us this?" Shuri asked.

"So you understand why I have to kill the scientist."

"What if we took her to Wakanda?" Shuri offered. "Let us go. I give you my word, she will remain in my country."

"I cannot risk that, princess."

"Then keep me instead—"

"Shuri," Cat warned her, but the girl kept talking.

"I'd love to see your nation."

Namor looked at her and then at Cat. "Well, you can't go down there wearing that. Hypothermia will grip you almost instantaneously. Your blood will become toxic, and the pressure of the ocean will break every bone in your body... or you can wear a suit," he smiled. "We have some of them. Come on!"

Shuri looked at her, and Cat snorted. At least he had a sense of humor.

"I guess you won't be needing one," Namor pointed at her.

"Yeah, that's, er, that's my mutant gene doing its magic. I can shapeshift and mimic other people."

"Even powers?"

"Yeah, and sometimes I can see their memories if I mimic their brains right. That's how I was able to speak to your people."

He hummed, walking up to a corner of the little house. "Are you the only one of your kind?"

"Mutants rarely resemble one another. I have a friend— he's blue and has pointy ears too, but he's covered in fur and has three fingers on each hand. He can teleport."

"You copy that power from him?"

Cat paused but decided it was best to say what was on her mind. "You're an exception to our rule. Mutants are not treated with the same reverence as you are. I mean, out there we are..."

"Freaks," he said. "Abused. Locked in cages."

She watched him offer a suit to Shuri. "Yes."

Namor watched her attentively. "Humans don't react well to things they don't understand. Mutants are out of their line of expertise. We're all different, you say, our appearance... our abilities... the nature behind our existence... it confuses and scares them."

Cat's eyes darkened. She placed the helmet on Shuri's head and spoke in a low voice. "There is a man out there hunting me down... just to prove that he can. He's called me a... a pet... his beast..."

The princess looked at her with worry, Cat didn't face her.

"He's insulted you," Namor helped her seal Shuri's suit properly. "Mankind does not deserve to have you at their disposal, Co'kat."

"No," she agreed. Her eyes gained focus again, and she fixed her posture. "That's why Shuri's going to make me a suit," she locked eyes with the man. "Thanks to her I won't be disrespected again."

He smiled knowing what she was trying to do. "Did you know your parents, before you were taken?"

Cat was taken by surprise. "How did you..."

"I've lived long enough to recognize an orphan when I see one," he explained. "Besides, you said it, mutants don't live nice lives on the surface. It is easy to confuse obligation, with acts of love," he placed a gentle hand on her cheek. "Someone that loves you does not ask for things in return."

Cat stared into his eyes, Shuri sensed it was dangerous to let them continue the conversation any further, so she intervened. "I'm ready, Namor."

Cat gave a start, she looked at Shuri and cleared her throat. "Go ahead, princess. I'll be right behind you."

Namor smiled without saying anything, he guided them out.

Talokan felt like it belonged at a different point in time. Their culture had remained untouched and evolved naturally, they had developed their own kind of tech, and this world hadn't been poisoned by wars or evil people. It was a utopian experience.

"Is that... a sun?" She asked in awe.

"It's made of vibranium," Shuri pointed out in wonder.

"Yes. In the depths of the ocean, I brought the sun to my people," he looked at Cat. "That was my act of love, they raised me after my mother passed." Cat felt a lump forming in her throat, she looked away from him. "I know you wished me to spare the life of the scientist. But now you see what I have to protect."

Shuri had nothing to say. But Cat did it for her. "The girl is not responsible for what others did. She had no intention of using the machine, it got stolen from her."

"That is not the point."

"It's exactly the point," Cat pressed. "You kill her, you take away humanity's hopes for a future that's not led by greed."

"And who can assure me this girl won't grow up tainted with your people's ideals? They managed to taint you."

Once again Cat was brushed aside, and the worst was that she couldn't prove him wrong.

"Let's go back to the surface," the man said.

Namor gave them gifts for being the first people from above to visit his home. Shuri was given his mother's bracelet, Cat was given the teal-colored cloak that was just as weightless in the water. If she were to guess, the fabric was strong enough to stop knives from reaching her body too.

On the back of it, there were two jaguars embroidered with golden and silver threads, Namor said she resembled this creature physically, and in spirit, the jaguar looked after the darkest parts of the universe, the ones that were often hidden from sight. Cat felt honored, she would cherish the gift as much as she'd loved the spear the Skrulls had given her all those years back.

Shuri and Namor continued to talk until they reached the subject of Shuri's brother.

"How does that make sense... that the ancestors would give me gifts and skills... to help me save my brother, and I couldn't? Why?"

Cat had asked herself the same question many times in the past. She'd never reached a satisfying answer. Neither had Namor, but he still had words of comfort. "My ancestors would often say... 'Only the most broken people can be great leaders'."

Maybe that was why Fury kept on forcing this idea that she should be the leader of the young Avengers, he saw something in her that she couldn't, blinded by her own grief and anger.

"I admire what you have built here," Shuri continued, "and how you've protected your people. But as princess of Wakanda, I will not stand for you killing that young woman. My nation will not rest until I'm returned. I'm not leaving without her... We need to find a peaceful way to resolve this."

"It is no longer about the scientist," Namor replied. "For centuries, the surface nations have conquered and enslaved people like us. Over resources," he let out in a tone of incredulity. "Since the day I buried my mother, I have prepared my people for the time they will come for us. And that machine is the sign that the time is now."

He leaned closer to the princess.

"I need to know if Wakanda is an ally or an enemy. There is no in-between."

"So you plan to wage war on the entire world... and you want Wakanda to help you?" Shuri scowled. "That's madness."

"There isn't a nation that wouldn't plunder Wakanda if given a chance," he replied sternly. "If we make an alliance, we can protect each other by striking them first. Then, when the threat of these nations has been eliminated... the scientist will be returned to Wakanda."

The mutant remembered the promise she'd made to Kurt when they were eighteen.

"Humans can't even respect each other. What makes you think they'll respect us?"

"We'll make them."

To Cat, Namor's plan made perfect sense.

"And if Wakanda does not accept, what then?" Shuri asked boldly.

"The scientist will die," Namor replied unbothered. "And Wakanda will be the first nation to fall."

"An attack on my people?"

"Yes. And I want you to listen to me, Wakanda cannot win a war with Talokan."

Namora rose from the water. She spoke in Mayan. "You have been summoned, K'uk'ulkan."

He got up and spoke one last time to the princess. "I heard you that night, with your mother at the river... you said you wanted to burn the world. Let us burn it together."

Next Chapter—>

Taglist.

@mikaelsonwhxrebae @ieatpanicattacksforlunch @jesuswasnotawhiteman @siriuslysirius1107 @greengarsstuff @itsyagirl01 @23victoria @espressopatronum454 @jkthinkstoomuch

#twoidiots writing #marvel #marvel fic #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #marvel original character #copycat fic

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justsomewritingblog · 2 years

Text

The Black Panther Lives (Part 3)

Request: None.

Requested By: Nobody

Pairing: None. (At least not yet)

Summary: Y/n checks on Shuri’s progress.

Warnings: None?

Word count: 1K+

Disclaimer!!

I don't own the image!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, you went back to check on Shuri’s progress. When you resumed you usual hiding spot, you saw them lead a floating stretcher with a man on it. Shuri walked out, and uncovered the blanket. She smiled. “Great, another broken white boy for us to fix. This is going to be fun.” She said, with genuine happiness. You moved to get a better look at the man on the table. When you saw his face, you recognized him immediately. Everett Ross. CIA operative, former Air Force pilot, and former Deputy Task Force Commander of the Joint Counter Terrorist Centre. Everyone in your profession knew who he was. As Okoye and Nakia lead the stretcher away, Shuri slowed to a stop. She had a small frown on her face, and her eyebrows were furrowed. T’Challa noticed this. “Shuri,” he started, “is there something you want to tell me?” Shuri looked up at him. Her eyes darted around a little bit, before they met his. She shook her head. “No.” She lied. T’Challa raised an eyebrow at her, clearly not buying it, but letting it rest, assuming that whatever it was, she would try her best to make the right decision.

They laid him down on a table. When his head hit the pillow, a bunch of information about his vital signs and about an injury hovered above him. Shuri hovered her hand above his chest, and raised it up. A diagram of a spine appeared, with one of the vertebras being red. She looked it over. “He will live.” She concluded. She put her hand on Ross’s shoulder, smiling, before getting a bling from her bracelet. Your eyebrows furrowed. “W’Kabi is here.” She explained, a confused look on her face. T’Challa nodded in acknowledgement, and made his way back up the spiral.

“What is going on brother? Where is Klaue?” He looked down to where Okoye, Nakia, and Shuri were. “He’s not here.” T’Challa clarified. W’Kabi looked up at him in disbelief. “He slipped through our hands.” T’Challa explained. “Slipped?” W’Kabi questioned. “For thirty years your father was in power and did nothing. With you I thought it’d be different. But it’s more of the same.” He gave T’Challa one last disappointed look before walking away. T’Challa sighed before walking away himself, a determined look on his face. You watched him leave, curious as to where he was going, but since you had a guess what it was about, you remained in your perch, and watched the women work.

~As Brothers and Sisters on this Earth, ~

As Shuri worked on another project, she looked around and placed the now completed necklace on another model. She looked around again, and resumed her previous work. Your eyes shined. You snuck down from your perch, and grabbed the necklace from the model. You went back up as quickly as you came down. When you got back to your spot, you looked the necklace over, looking for traps, and looking at the designs, and detail. When you were satisfied, you slipped it over your neck, and smiled at the fit. You looked back down, and noticed Ross stirring. He opened his eyes, and lifted his head from the table. The information around his head disappeared. He climbed off the table, and the rest of the information disappeared as well. He reached up and felt his back. He began walking around and noticed Shuri sitting at a table. He started walking towards her. “Alright, where am I?” He asked. Shuri jumped, hearing a voice. “Don’t scare me like that, colonizer.” She instructed. “Colon-what?” He put a hand on his chest. “My name is Everett.” Shuri looked him up and down. “Yes, I know.” She turned back to her work. “Everett Ross, former air force pilot, now CIA.” Ross looked amazed, and shocked. “Right.” He said, distractedly. He looked around, before looking back at her. “Okay, is this Wakanda?”

“No, it’s Kansas.” Everett rolled his eyes at her response. He sighed. “Alright, how long ago was Korea?”

“Yesterday.” He shook his head, “I don’t think so. Bullet wounds don’t just magically heal overnight.” Shuri let out a tiny chuckle. “They do here. But not by magic, by technology.” She looked up, pointing at all the equipment. She saw a shine, and froze.

Your eyes widened. You quickly jumped to a new spot, and hid the necklace under your shirt.

Shuri looked over at the model, and noticed the necklace missing. Her eyes widened for a split second, and her breathing became heavier. Everett looked at her, and eyebrow raised. “What is it?” He questioned. She looked back at him. “Nothing.” She responded. Everett raised his eyebrow higher, clearly not buying it. She noticed this. “I thought I saw something. Turns out I was mistaken. Everything’s fine, really.” She lied. She wasn’t sure if she was lying to him, or herself more. He seemed to accept that, and began looking around. “Don’t touch anything.” She instructed. “My brother will return soon.” She resumed her work, as Ross looked around.

“These, train things … that’s magnetic levitation, right?”

“Obviously.”

“Obviously,” he repeated, “but I’ve never seen it this …” he paused, looking for the right word, “efficient.” His face held a giddy smile. “The light panels, what are they?”

“Sonic stabilizers.”

“Sonic-what?” He questioned. Shuri grinned. “In its true form, vibranium is too dangerous to be transported by high speed, so I developed a way to temporarily deactivate it.”

“There’s vibranium on those trains?”

“There’s vibranium all around us.” She confirmed, glancing back up at the ceiling. Her worried expression turned into a smirk. “That’s how I healed you.” She walked back over to her table. She looked up, noticed Ross’ confused face, and laughed. There was a bling from her bracelet.

You leaned forward.

She held up her wrist, and an image of Okoye appeared on her hand. Shuri held up a finger to Ross, signaling she would be with him in a moment. Everett looked at it, baffled. “Where is T’Challa?” Okoye questioned. “His komoyo beads have been switched off.” Shuri smiled at her. “Well we are not joined at the hip, Okoye.”

“Well a man showed up at the border who claims to have killed Klaue.” Your eyes must have bugged out of your head. Were you hearing this? You leaned over as far as you would dare.

“What?” Shuri questioned. “W’Kabi is transporting him as we speak to the palace, we need to find your brother.” Shuri walked over to a table and made a hand gesture. A man showed up on the screen. Shuri looked the image up and down. “An outsider?”

“No, a Wakandan.” Okoye replied. Everett seized this moment to step in. “He’s not a Wakandan.” He informed, shaking his head. “He’s one of ours.”

You looked at the image with wide eyes, before taking this moment to exit from the lab.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/n: Repost!

#MARVEL #MARVEL x reader #x reader #reader #reader insert #Black Panther #Black Panther x reader #Erik Killmonger #my imagine #Mara's imagine

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bookie-the-reading-junkie · 23 days

Text

To Gaze Upon Wicked Gods review

1.5 stars

Oh boy. This book is a mess. I feel that it’s important to preface this by saying that I am a white American and my knowledge of Asian and Chinese culture/history is very limited (I’m a little more familiar with Japanese culture/history because of my love of anime). It is not my intent to criticize this book in ways that I shouldn’t and I don’t know enough about certain things to say if my assessment is correct or not.

I had heard of this book a while ago when the author of Iron Widow (I love both the author and the book) promoted it, then when the whole thing with the white author review bombing POC debut authors, and then again when it was being called a colonizer romance. I did get spoiled with several things, but I feel like that didn’t matter too much. A lot of people said this book was a slog to get through, but I had just read “Daughter of the Moon Goddess” and this felt almost like a breeze in comparison because that one is 500 pages long and the prose is very similar; incredibly flowery and kind of repetitive. I finished this book in four days a few days ago and I’m already starting to forget what happened.

I’m going to start off with the worldbuilding: it was a bit all over the place. I wasn’t quite as confused with the multiverse thing that was going on as a lot of people were, but I had many questions regarding the Romans that didn't get answered. Why was Rome/romans chosen to be the colonizers at all? Unit 731 was part of the Japanese occupation and the opium wars were spurred by the British. My guess is that the author felt that basing the colonizers on the Japanese would be too controversial, and wanted to go for a more fantasy/mythological vibe. Like a clash between western and Chinese mythology, which would have been really cool and actually what I expected when I first heard of this book, but wasn’t the case.

Is Rome a reimagining of our world if Rome didn’t fall? That seems to be the case even though it’s not made clear. I wish that Rome/Roman culture/whatever appeared more because it’s so undescribed; we don’t have a clue as to what it’s like, especially when her own culture is given so much focus. The Romans are a blank slate, you could so easily swap out the Romans with like. Any modern western country, because the only difference between the two cultures is that the Romans are brutal and that they have “overwhelming science.”

That was something that bothered me a lot throughout the book, the constant “our magic can not measure up to their powerful science.” I can’t tell if it’s meant to be a critique of racist portrayals of “primitive people” or if it unintentionally comes off that way. Because to me, it’s the latter. Especially when so often science was technology like planes and guns, instead of what people generally think of when they hear science like chemistry or labs. I feel like if “technology” had been swapped with “science” that connotation I mentioned earlier wouldn’t be as strong. There were so many times Ruying would be like “science is so evil but magic is powerless against it” and it honestly made me a bit uncomfortable. Stuff like “one [world] was rich with magic, one was rife with science (p4)” and “these bracelets of science around my wrists (p114),” which is referring to her magic repressors/shock collar. There were a lot more (some worse) but I didn’t mark where they were.

The writing was. Incomprehensibly flowery. I’ll be honest, this is a good example of why I don’t like flowery, poetic prose. It’s repetitive and the metaphors and similes start to end up not making sense for the sake of every. Single. Sentence. Sounding like it’s part of a poem or trying to be quotable. I disengage quickly from the story, glaze over, and miss stuff. Though in this case, it’d be pretty hard to miss stuff since it’s very repetitive. And with the gods thing. Look. I get it. It’s in the title. The Romans compare themselves to gods (or did the Panglings do that first? It’s unclear). But Ruying constantly talks about how they are false gods, how they pretend to be gods, how the real gods abandoned them, and false gods rule, and WE GET IT. YOU ONLY MENTIONED IT 20 TIMES IN THIS CHAPTER. I was in all honesty a bit baffled as to why she would compare them to gods so much, doing so only gives them so much more power over them. Some examples of the writing:

P17. Too cautious of his wrath, too aware of my sister's mortal vessel with its mortal needs for opian [magic version of opium]. P155. Our shared moment, beautiful as the embroideries grandma used to sew, came apart, snarled into halves, barely held together by tangled threads. P221. In the meantime, I will let you in on a little secret if you promise not to tell anyone. History is a melody sung by the victors. Truths and lies are what I make of these chords. Stay loyal to me, and I promise the world will remember you as a hero, forged in this war of magic and science. Because, come fire or storm, I’m going to win this game of power, and I can give you a legacy that will outlive you. A name to be whispered for thousands of years.

The whole book is like this. I have read so many books with this sort of flowery prose in the past few years, especially debut novels and I’m starting to think that young authors need a gentle reminder that not every sentence has to be outstanding and quotable. I get it, I’m a writer myself and so often I feel like if I have a couple sentences that aren’t filled with imagery, then it’s flat and boring. But come on.

The book is technically NA (though in the UK it’s YA for some reason idk), and while I haven’t read a ton of adult novels, there were times where it felt so painfully YA. The narrative was honestly a bit confusing sometimes; there were times where I couldn’t tell if Ruying was being an unreliable narrator or if the narrative was saying something straight. It definitely fell into the pitfall I notice a lot of bad slow-burn romances do when the love interest where they are treated like we already know them and should root for them rather than them being strangers. Also, the eyes thing, oh my godddddddd I’m so sick of books going on and on about people’s eyes. Right after she stole money from the love interest, she notices his eyes at the end of an alley:

P39. “I caught a splash of green at the other end of the darkened alley” [note: please tell me he’s wearing green and she didn’t see only his captivating viridian eyes. (Edit: god dammit he wasn’t he’s wearing midnight blue)]

My personal explanation is that his eyes fucking glow or something.

For as much as gods were talked about, Ruying’s gods were only very vaguely discussed aside from that they left about a thousand years (I think?) ago according to myth. Death is a great example of this, constantly referred to but never explained. At some point I realized she was referring to Death as “he” which was jarring because I’m pretty sure no pronouns were used for Death in the first half of the book, which I preferred because it made Death feel separate from the living world. The only time any gods are talked about is when Ruying tells Antony a story about the goddess Nüwa (which is a real myth, slightly adjusted for the book), but it doesn’t really serve any purpose nor does it really shed light on further worldbuilding. The emperors are said to be descendants of dragons, but that also doesn’t get a lot of explanation. There were a few times I wondered if things like that were referencing Chinese mythology or culture that I wouldn’t get or if there were just things that weren’t explained well enough.

Moving on to the characters. There was a pretty small cast: the MC, Ruying; her twin, Meiya; their grandmother; love interest/childhood friend, Baihu; her childhood friend, Taohua; Prince Jade Orbs, Antony; and a few other side characters. But we see very little of them besides Ruying and Antony, even if she’s being isolated from them. Ruying constantly talks about what she would do for her family, but we see her interact with her grandma exactly once and every interaction with her sister (which is like. three) is a fight involving both of their views on the colonization and oppression of their people. Meiya wants to fight with the resistance and would rather die than kneel forever at the Roman’s feet. She tells Ruying off and that she’s deluded when she explains that she’s the Prince’s personal assassin in order to protect her family and peace. This book does so much telling instead of showing and it’s very clear when it comes to the characters and the relationships between them. Ruying as a character has a lot of potential, someone who is afraid of their own power and the high that it gives them, both hating and loving their ability, desperate to save their family. I think that if the romance was completely cut out, then she could have been a cool character. But this girl is as delulu as it gets.

When she met Antony, I thought I might enjoy their relationship, not in a “omg I ship it, I don’t care if it’s toxic” way but in a “this dynamic is so fucked up and I can’t stop reading” way. The few times I’ve run across ships (used in the loosest manner) like that, I’ve been able to enjoy it because even if the narrator is unreliable, it’s clear that it’s not romantic. I backtracked so quickly because the narrative did not want to depict it as abusive and toxic, it wanted to depict it as romantic. My notes went from “okay so far, kind of into this, because it’s so clearly toxic” to “oh god this is becoming romantic FAR too fast.”

I spent so much of the book intensely irritated at Ruying because she is constantly making him sympathetic and excusing him. This starts from the very beginning, not even when they actually spend time together:

P111. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and my heart beat a little too fast when he said my name, so gentle, so benevolent [he is meeting her in a cell in the dungeon and about to propose that she become his personal assassin or die.] P141. there was a quiet fear in his voice. A softness. As if he were a man confessing something he didn’t want to be heard. In this moment, I wanted to believe his words, see him as someone other than a prince monstrous in his greed. [less than an hour ago he put a loaded gun to her head and said that he would kill her, her family, and everyone she loves if she attempted to kill him again.] Pp 151-152. before I knew it, someone had drawn me into their embrace. A safe place of tenderness to hide from the cold of everything else. In silence, Antony Augustus held me tight, as if doing so could hold all of my broken pieces together, keep me whole against the cascading gray waves of hate striking me like an ocean striking at crumbling cliffs. Deep in my bones I knew everything about this moment was wrong. Leaning into his touch was wrong, wrapping my arms around his and clinging to him for life was wrong. But I did it anyway. [He just made her kill a person. This one of the very few times that she feels something is wrong or that he’s being manipulative until much later and several people tell her to snap out of it.]

If I remember correctly, this was all in one day. He is a little nice to her and she so quickly forgets that he is the enemy. This is the same person who spent the first few chapters talking about how much she despised the Romans and how all Romans were evil. Right after the last segment, Antony tells her his sob story that as a child he lived in poverty and he had robbed his adoptive father, the Roman emperor’s son. His soon-to-be adoptive father came to his house and told Antony to either kill his biological parents, or all three of them would die; he chose the first option. What the actual fuck. And then she says “He was a prince of Rome. He had no reason to lie to me (p158).” I fucking stopped dead in my tracks and stared at these sentences. HE HAS EVERY FUCKING REASON TO LIE TO YOU???? TO MANIPULATE YOU???? YOU CLEARLY DIDN’T THAT HIGHLY OF ANY ROMAN EARLIER

His whole thing is that because he grew up poor, he knows what it’s like be in her shoes, and he also doesn’t want to commit mass genocide like his grandfather or brothers do (or so he claims; we don’t get a lot of insight as to what his grandfather and brother do want to do, though I suppose that’s book two). He doesn’t want a war/genocide and wants her to assassinate key people that would bring war quicker. He gives her very little evidence (though to be fair, also very little choice) to show how this would actually do anything. He says he wants her to kill both Romans and Pangulings, but as far as the reader is aware, she only kills Pangulings. There’s a six month time skip after the deal, and she has killed 48 people and she’s in love with him. This is unfortunate because while I understand the reason for that time skip, those six months would have been crucial in both their character development and the development of their relationship. Ruying is so utterly convinced that Antony is a good person and wants peace and it takes her twin sister and her childhood friend/other love interest telling her to wake up and realize that he’s just using her before she starts to think “maybe? He’s a bad guy?” How did the girl that hates the Romans so much get to this point? We didn’t get to see that.

It’s not super clear if Antony is manipulating her. I mean, he is to an extent, but how far it goes isn’t clear. Because it would make sense if he was manipulating her into thinking that he is in love with her. But we get one chapter in his POV where we find out he is in love with her and is like “if only we were different people, we could be together :(“ and drops this line:

P293. He had starved himself of love, laughed at the Romeos and Juilets of his world, the love songs that echoed on the radios. Now, in this bed with Ruying beside him, Antony finally understood what his grandfather meant when he said love was a weakness.

*rolls my eyes in aroace* god, poor baby that must have been so hard. I bet you were pushing away women right and left because who isn’t into someone that experiments on humans and threatens their lives and loved ones. Though you never know with straight people. Oh yeah, he has done/is doing experiments on her people, especially those who have magic. That’s the big leadup for the story, which wasn’t a big surprise to me because I was spoiled by that, but he actually mentions that his people have done experiments on hers and she doesn’t even take note of it?????

Here’s the thing: there’s an author note saying that she was partially inspired for this book by the Russian and Japanese occupation of Manchuria China. Her own grandfather lived during that time and told her fictionalized versions of real horror stories of the Japanese occupation and of unit 731 as a kid, though she didn’t realize this until 2020. She asks the reader to understand that Ruying isn’t a hero, just a girl who wants to protect her family. I have no problems with an author tackling difficult subjects like this, in fact, I think it’s great because it’s a form of catharsis and can inspire readers (especially ones that are less familiar with the subject) to look further into it and educate themselves.

However, I feel like the author didn’t really do what she wanted justice. Because of that author’s note and attention brought to Unit 731 specifically, I expected the book to focus heavily on that. The actual part that is similar to unit 731 is so short, so glossed over, so contained, that it does not feel respectful or handled well in any manner. What happens is that Baihu takes Ruying into the labs and they see her childhood best friend experimented on (draining her blood? Her life energy? It’s a little unclear even when Antony explains what the experiments are for) and then die. One of Ruying’s requests before becoming Antony’s personal assassin was that he released Taohua and he agreed. So while she’s obviously distraught about her friend dying, most of her focus is that Antony lied to her; not the actual experimentation or any of that. (The reason for the experimentation also feels weirdly out of place; Antony’s world is dying because of climate change, which is why they want to colonize and move to hers; why more people haven’t moved yet isn’t clear. Antony and his adoptive father wanted to find out if people with magic could be, in essence, be used for more sustainable energy because their magic has the potential to be super energy efficient. In theory, an interesting and horrifying concept; in practice, badly executed.)

I watched a couple reviews of this book on youtube who had also mentioned unit 731 and I decided to look into myself because I had heard of it, but nothing more than it was one of the most horrific historical events and that it involved human experimentation. I only looked at wikipedia and I had to stop when I got to the section on experiments involving frostbite (which was not very far in), and I have a pretty strong stomach. The experiments were done pretty much purely for the sake of sick curiosity. Biological warfare was committed on surrounding cities to observe the results. It is truly so sicking, and I can not comprehend how someone can learn about this and have family who was personally affected by it and go “yeah, I’ll put that into my enemies-to-lovers romance where the main love interest is the one involved in this sort of thing.”

At first, I was kind of apathetic to this book. I’m glad that I read a bit about unit 731 (and I should probably look more into it) afterward because it puts it in a completely different light. Now I’m just a bit disgusted. No hate to the author, but I really wish that she had put more thought into this. It also just feels weird because while there is a love triangle going on, the way she marketed it made it very clear that the main romance is between Ruying and Antony, with calling it dark romance enemies-to-lovers, Zutara on steroids, etc. Not to mention in her author’s note, she says that she thinks that grandfather would be proud of this book, which, I don’t know, felt a little weird to me the way that it was phrased.

I want to go on a bit of a tangent about the whole thing about Zutara and this book relating to fanfiction. I checked out her tiktok page, and 99% of it is basically the same three slideshows promoting the book, and almost every single one is about Zutara on steroids/the tropes in the book. I think it’s very bad practice to promote traditional books based almost solely on tropes and popular ships. It makes sense with fanfiction, there’s an established setting and cast of characters who people are already emotionally attached to. I think that it shows weakness in your writing if you rely on things like “only one bed,” “touch them and you die,” “enemies to lovers,” “morally gray characters,” “knife to throat” to set the foundations of your book on. These can be incorporated into your book and be done very well, but so often now (not necessarily just in this book) it feels like books are being built on tropes. It’s becoming the cake rather than the icing. Anywho.

I didn’t see how it was supposed to be like Zutara at first besides the broadest strokes of “he’s a prince and his people bad and committing war crimes against hers.” To be honest, I’m not really a fan of Zutara, I just don’t vibe with it and I find that a lot of fans of it are kind of intense. I do like Zukka (mostly it’s like “hey what if dumbass one and two got together?”) and have read a shit ton of it, so I feel like many of the same things about Zutara can apply to Zukka. Anywho, I was more focused on whether or not the personalities match (Ruying a little, Antony NO), but I started to see some similarities. I guess. Someone said “yeah it’s zutara if Zuko was Ozai” which I think really hits it on the nail. Zuko, while he made lots of bad decisions and yeah, I suppose you could call him a morally gray character, is fundamentally a good person. Antony is not, despite whatever the author was doing to what, humanize him? Make him a sympathetic villain? Am I supposed to be sad for this guy that 1) killed his parents 2) threatened to kill the MC and everyone she loves and 3) of his own will, did experiments on people? Yeah, no. Not to mention that he doesn’t really try to understand her/her culture or what she’s gone through being under occupation of his people; he doesn’t care and thinks that spouting proverbs in her own language every other sentence gets him brownie points.

I won’t say that fanfiction has perfectly delved into these issues nor can I say much about colonization and its lasting impact on people, but I guarantee you that I have read fanfiction barely beta-ed that handled these topics more tactfully than this book, and included romance between someone who is a part of the oppressed population and someone whose family is directly responsible for that oppression. A few people have said it feels like fanfiction just in general, which I don’t 100% agree with, but it does in the way that we are sort of expected to understand the world and know who the love interest is and the development between the two. There is almost zero buildup and explanation when it comes to Antony, you’re expected to root for him and love him because he gave her a hug after making her murder a person. I think that is the biggest pitfall for authors who started writing via fanfiction or convert their fanfiction into novels; any time a character shows up, it feels a lot like when a celebrity appears in a disney show and the laugh track cheers and you have no clue who they are.

Yeah in short, it started off fine, went downhill and then crashed into a wall. I may read the next book simply out of curiosity, but I’m not sure I could handle it.

#to gaze upon wicked gods #book review #review #random but someone on goodreads said it had queer rep because two minor characters are alluded to not being straight and that kind of pisse #me off #this book was. something

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hashtagmagazine · 1 month

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The Black Book Of Jokes — Part 5

Some of The Funniest Jokes From The Black Book of Jokes

If you’re on a quest for laughter, welcome to the perfect destination! Dive into our treasure trove of hilarity, handpicked from the renowned ‘Black Book of Jokes’. With the author’s blessing, we bring to you an exquisite collection of jests across a spectrum of themes. Get ready to brighten your day with our top-tier selection of jokes guaranteed to tickle your funny bone.

Golf Frustrations

Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit too many far shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

The Pianist’s Song Titles

A new pianist is needed in a posh restaurant in Manhattan. A guy called David comes in and says “Hi there, I’m here about the pianist position.” The manager replies “That is awesome, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?” David sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ever heard. Stunned at the end of the performance he says “That’s absolutely wonderful, what’s it called?” David replies “Oh it’s one of my songs, I call it ‘Your daughter sucked on my balls and I jizzed on her forehead’.” The manager, shocked, stammers “Oh, right… urr, do you have any more?” The pianist resumes playing, and yet again plays an absolutely magical piece of music. The manager says “Incredible! What do you call this one?” David replies “Oh, I call that one ‘I’m going to stick my tongue up your asshole and lick your colon’.” The manager says to him “Ok, look, you’re hired. I can’t let a talent like you get away, but please never let the clients know the names of your songs, it simply won’t work in an establishment like this.” So David agrees and starts work that night. A few weeks later, the buzz about the restaurant was incredible. People are so enamored with this pianist they recommend their friends, come back regularly just to eat and hear this amazing music play. And one night, the pianist says to the diners “OK ladies and gentlemen, after this song I’m going to take a short break and I’ll resume my playing for you shortly,” and goes off to take a small comfort break. As he’s returning from the restroom the manager swiftly approaches him and exclaims “David! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers and the whole room can see it?!” David replies “Do I know it?! Of course I do — I fucking wrote it!”

The Price of Elegance

A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little “accident!” she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?” He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”

Sleepwalking Parishioner

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Father,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service “when my husband walked out during your sermon.” “I did find it rather disconcerting,” the vicar replied. “It’s not a reflection on you, Father,” insisted the churchgoer. “Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

The Drunk’s Dilemma

A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer. A man passes and asks him what the matter is. “I don’t know what to do,” says the drunk. “My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.”

Sophie’s Marital Crisis

Things have reached a crisis point in Sophie’s marriage. “If things are so bad,” her friend advises her. “Then you should leave your husband.” “I would,” says Sophie. “If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn’t make him happy.”

Dan’s Distant Text

Dan was walking down the street with his wife earlier when she accused him of being ashamed to be seen with her. “That’s total bullshit.” Dan replied. By text, from across the road.

The Misplaced Potato

Boy comes up to his father, all angry, “Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How did you say it would impress the girls?” Father looks up, smiling, “Yeah, did it work?” The boy screams, “You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!”

The Invisible Man’s Appointment

Secretary: “Doctor, the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.” Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

Lawyer’s Expensive Advice

Walking into a lawyer’s office, a man asked what his rates were. “Two hundred dollars for three questions,” the lawyer stated. “Isn’t that awfully expensive?” the man asked. “Yes,” replied the lawyer. “What’s your third question?”

The Italian Men on the Bus

Two Italian men get on a bus… They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.” “You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!” “Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

Last Wishes

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before I die.” She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…” At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

A Child’s Inquiry

“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?” “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.” “Um, Dad — there are only 2 trees.”

Circus Calamity

At a circus, there’s a calamity and two lions escape. They manage to grab hold of a clown and start devouring him. One lion turns to the other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Future Houdini

A couple have just had sex. The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’ The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet. ‘Well,’ he says. ‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’

Super Encounter

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, “This is my chance!” He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet, bangs her, and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that!?” The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but it hurts like hell!”

Roadside Assistance

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,” He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?” He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

Stolen Credit Card

A man noticed his credit card had been stolen — but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.

Dance Request

A man at a party: Hi, do you want to dance? Woman: Yeah, sure! Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend! If you’ve enjoyed these witty tales and humorous anecdotes, you’re in for a treat! Take a journey through the world of humor with “The Black Book of Jokes” — a comprehensive collection of awesome jokes that promise to keep you entertained for hours. Whether you’re looking to lighten up a gathering, bring a smile to someone’s face, or just need a good laugh yourself, this book is the perfect companion. Get your copy of the Black Book Of Jokes now and join us in the laughter! Read the full article

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thefunbible · 2 months

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Genesis 24

01 Billy was old, and well advanced in a nonfictional number of years in age. The Earl had blessed Billy in all things.

02 Billy said to his subservient, the old 'un of his house, who ruled over all that he had, “Please put your hand under my thigh and do not worry about the smell.

03 I will make you swear by The Earl, the Skypal of skyplace and the Skypal of the pale blue dot, that you shall not take a lady-spouse for my male-spawn of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I live.

04 But you shall go to my country, and to my incest-loving relatives, and take a lady-spouse for my male-spawn Chuck.”

05 The subservient said to him, “What if the lady isn’t willing to follow me to this land? Must I bring your male-spawn again to the land you came from?”

06 Billy said to him, “Beware that you don’t bring my male-spawn there again.

07 The Earl, the Skypal of skyplace—who took me from my spermer’s house, and from the land of my birth, who spoke to me, and who swore to me, saying, ‘I will give this land to your human-spawn to brutally and mercilessly colonize—he will send his faery before you, and you shall take a lady-spouse for my male-spawn from there.

08 If the lady isn’t willing to follow you, then you shall be clear from this oath to me. Only you shall not bring my male-spawn there again.”

09 The subservient put his hand under the thigh of Billy his bossmang without worrying about the smell, and swore to him concerning this matter.

10 The subservient took ten of his bossmang’s camels, and departed, having a variety of good things of his bossmang’s with him. He arose, and went to Mesopotamia, to the city of Nahor.

11 He made the camels kneel down outside the city by the well of water at the time of evening, the time that ladies go out to draw water, which made him seem like a lurker, but he didn’t seem like a total creep.

12 He said, “The Earl, the Skypal of my bossmang Billy, please give me success today, and show kindness to my bossmang Billy.

13 Behold, I am standing by the spring of water. The daughters of the males of the city are coming out to draw water.

14 Let it happen, that the young lady to whom I will say, ‘Please let down your pitcher, that I may drink,’ then she says, ‘Drink, and I will also give your camels a drink,’—let her be the one you have appointed for your subservient Chuck. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my bossmang.”

15 Before he had finished speaking, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel the male-spawn of Milcah, the lady-spouse of Nahor, Billy’s male-sibling, with her pitcher on her shoulder.

16 The young lady was very beautiful to look at, an un-penis-penetrated. No male had penis-fucked her. She went down to the spring, filled her pitcher, and came up.

17 The subservient ran to meet her, and said, “Please give me a drink, a little water from your pitcher.”

18 She said, “Drink, my earl.” She hurried, and let down her pitcher on her hand, and gave him a drink.

19 When she had finished giving him a drink, she said, “I will also draw for your camels, until they have finished drinking.”

20 She hurried, and emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again to the well to draw, and drew for all his camels.

21 The male looked steadfastly at her, remaining silent, to know whether The Earl had made his journey prosperous or not.

22 As the camels had done drinking, the male took a golden ring of half a shekel weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight of gold,

23 and said, “Whose daughter are you? Please tell me. Is there room in your spermer’s house for us to stay?”

24 She said to him, “I am the daughter of Bethuel the male-spawn of Milcah, whom she bore to Nahor.”

25 She said moreover to him, “We have both straw and feed enough, and room to lodge in.”

26 The male bowed his head, and worshiped The Earl.

27 He said, “Blessed be The Earl, the Skypal of my bossmang Billy, who has not forsaken his loving kindness and his truth toward my bossmang. As for me, The Earl has led me on the way to the house of my bossmang’s relatives.”

28 The young lady ran, and told her old lady’s house about these words.

29 Rebekah had a male-sibling, and his name was Laban. Laban ran out to the male, to the spring.

30 When he saw the ring, and the bracelets on his sister’s hands, and when he heard the words of Rebekah his sister, saying, “This is what the male said to me,” he came to the male. Behold, he was standing by the camels at the spring.

31 He said, “Come in, you blessed of The Earl. Why do you stand outside? For I have prepared the house, and room for the camels, and don’t worry: you won’t have to sleep with the camels.”

32 The male came into the house, and he unloaded the camels. He gave straw and feed for the camels, and water to wash his feet and the feet of the males who were with him.

33 Food was set before him to monch, but he said, “I will not monch until I have told my message.” Laban said, “Speak on, for TVs are not yet invented.”

34 He said, “I am Billy’s subservient.

35 The Earl has blessed my bossmang greatly. He has become great. The Earl has given him flocks and herds, silver and gold, fella subservients and girly subservients, and camels and donkeys. Super fucking rich.

36 Sarah, my bossmang’s lady-spouse, bore a male-spawn to my bossmang when she was old. He has given all that he has to him because I guess fuck Ishmael.

37 My bossmang made me swear, saying, ‘You shall not take a lady-spouse for my male-spawn from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live,

38 but you shall go to my spermer’s house, and to my relatives, and take a lady-spouse for my male-spawn. She should be very very related to him.’

39 I asked my bossmang, ‘What if the lady will not follow me? What if she doesn’t want keep it in the family?’

40 He said to me, ‘The Earl, before whom I walk, will send his faery with you, and prosper your way. You shall take a lady-spouse for my male-spawn from my relatives, and of my spermer’s house because we really like to keep it in the family.

41 Then you will be clear from my oath, when you come to my relatives. If they don’t give her to you, you shall be clear from my oath.’

42 I came today to the spring, and said, ‘The Earl, the Skypal of my bossmang Billy, if now you do prosper my way which I go—

43 behold, I am standing by this spring of water. Let it happen, that the maiden who comes out to draw, to whom I will say, “Please give me a little water from your pitcher to drink,”

44 then she tells me, “Drink, and I will also draw for your camels,”—let her be the lady whom The Earl has appointed for my bossmang’s male-spawn.’

45 Before I had finished speaking to myself and wishing really hard, behold, Rebekah came out with her pitcher on her shoulder. She went down to the spring, and drew. I said to her, ‘Nice rack. Please let me drink.’

46 She hurried and let down her pitcher from her shoulder, and said, ‘Drink, stop staring at my tits, and I will also give your camels a drink.’ So I drank, and she also gave the camels a drink.

47 I asked her, and said, ‘Whose daughter are you?’ She said, ‘The daughter of Bethuel, Nahor’s male-spawn, whom Milcah bore to him.’ I put the ring on her nose, and the bracelets on her hands.

48 I bowed my head, and worshiped The Earl, and blessed The Earl, the Skypal of my bossmang Billy, who had led me in the right way to take my bossmang’s male-sibling’s daughter for his male-spawn that they might keep it in the family.

49 Now if you will deal kindly and truly with my bossmang, tell me. If not, tell me, that I may turn to the right hand, or to the left.”

50 Then Laban and Bethuel answered, “The thing proceeds from The Earl. We can’t speak to you bad or good.

51 Behold, Rebekah is before you. Take her, and go, and let her be your bossmang’s male-spawn’s lady-spouse, as The Earl has spoken. Also, try not to stare at her tits.”

52 When Billy’s subservient heard their words, he bowed himself down to the dirt to The Earl.

53 The subservient brought out jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and clothing, and gave them to Rebekah. He also gave precious things to her male-sibling and her old lady.

54 They ate and drank, he and the males who were with him, and stayed all night. They rose up in the morning, and he said, “Send me away to my bossmang.”

55 Her male-sibling and her old lady said, “Let the young lady stay with us a few days, at least ten. After that she will go.”

56 He said to them, “Don’t hinder me, since The Earl has prospered my way. Send me away that I may go to my bossmang.”

57 They said, “We will call the young lady, and ask her.”

58 They called Rebekah, and said to her, “Will you go with this male?” She said, “I will go.”

59 They sent away Rebekah, their sister, with her nurse, Billy’s subservient, and his males.

60 They blessed Rebekah, and said to her, “Our sister, may you be the old lady of thousands of ten thousands, and let your human-spawn brutally colonize the gate of those who hate them by brutally murdering and colonizing them.”

61 Rebekah arose with her ladies. They rode on the camels, and followed the male. The subservient took Rebekah, and went his way.

62 Chuck came from the way of Beer Lahai Roi, for he lived in the land of the South.

63 Chuck went out to meditate in the field at the evening. He lifted up his eyes and looked. Behold, there were camels coming. On the ground. He’d never seen anything like that.

64 Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Chuck, she got off the camel, and the camel was grateful for those were some heavy knockers.

65 She said to the subservient, “Who is the male who is walking in the field to meet us? He’s hot. Please tell me, are he and I related?” The subservient said, “It is my bossmang. Your family tree won’t have a lot of branches.” She took her veil, and covered her face to bring focus to her tits and create a little mystery as was tradition.

66 The subservient told Chuck all the things that he had done, but he didn’t explain the camels coming, or mention staring at Rebekah’s tits.

67 Chuck brought her into his old lady Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his lady-spouse. He loved her. So Chuck was comforted as Rebekah rode him like a horse after his old lady’s death.

#bible #parody #satire #old testament #genesis

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