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theoccultz · 1 year

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What others notice about you ,that you are unaware of ?

#Dark reading

can be triggering,as we are talking about the subconscious thoughts of others

Your energy and how you come across, energy field is very interesting so i decided to make one with this theme.

General tarot *in depth *reading.

Let me know if it resonates (:

Pics not mine credits to their rightful owners

Smile . Thunder. String.

Pile Smile :1010

3 of pentacles (r),Six of swords , judgement, justice(r),2of swords (r).

>Spirit animal -cheetah

People feel like you are meant to make things happen you could be seen as a good team worker who have resources they notice how others wants to be associated with you this pile has this energy :i may be silent but do not mess: people are cautious about you they feel like they need to keep an eye like you may be silent but you can expose their secrets i feel like you may look a little bit dull or have prominent eyes and long thick hairs ? People also feel like you are highly educated and respected so it will be hard to spread rumors abt you as they may seem stupid after they try to do so because you have people defending you like they do not believe anything about you easily

They feel like you are the type of person who works alone or is kind of aloof from others they dont feel like you want to interact with them and it makes them a little bit curious and sad i feel like people dont know you but they have heard of you like personally you wouldn't open up easily people could see you a little bit sad too like it fucks their mind , people see that you can switch up on them .

I cant help but notice how others see so much possibilities but they are unable to pick one they feel like you have different characters and you only stay with people who are closed of ?patient or introverted like you ? People are kind of insecure around you its like they are not confident enough to approach to make a talk so they project onto you ,you may have mars in ascendant,or jupiter square moon that makes your energy and your achievements hidden from the outside world , people want to be in your good books ?

People also feel like you can humble them , hurt them if they say anything wrong that might dissapoint you its like they want your validation you might be the type of person who's kind of a mystery and you shine when its time to show your abilities like the only intern who can make the deal happen even though you dont have much experience.... but its your skills that you play with ,we didnt get the magician here ,energy is quite leaning towards it. You have that clarity and directions to guide others and one wrong step ;could get you angry ? People feel like maybe you ignore others lmao....You may study or analyse others ? Hmm like you know their business yet they are unaware of yours so it makes them to think you may be involved but keep it hidden from others ;that you know what they talk about,what damagies they did to others?they feel like you can expose them lol others are very quick to draw judgements but its all surface level here .

My take:I remember that anime( classroom assasination) that blue haired guy yeah exactly that character if i associate you with one .

Chanelled song:

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Pile Thunder:222

Wheel of fortune , knight of cups (r),the world ,king of cups ,2 of cups

Spirit animal:Kangaroo

People think you are sweet and helpful they think you may get hurt easily or you wear your heart on your sleeves ,its like you cant hide what you feel whether you are annoyed whether you feel joyful .Your energy is very peaceful even though i can see you might have hard time to make a decision ,others see you as "lucky" and "cute" they might be a little envious abt it tho,dont overshare anything about yourself.

People see as clumsy ,you'll be the first to lend your shoulders to someone without expecting anything in return-they feel like you are connected to your inner child ,they also feel like you are a chatter box lol ,you are still learning and growing so theres this energy like people want to protect you and they want to make your day better ,they can see others expect a lot from you, i dont know if you are social worker or not but older people feel very drawn to your energy they feel like you can understand them that you look out for them? and that is magic for me personally .....because its hard to match other generation energy and on top of that they feel like you understand them ,they feel like you know how to enjoy life and have fun,if someone betrays you karma comes and bite their ass *its legit what i heard*people see that you a courageous and fearless

I feel like they think you have a good balance of your emotions and you take accountability about it as well people feel like you are the justice type of a person who could do no wrong neither can afford seeing someone in that state , people feel protected in your presence like you can cut a bitch in half if they mess with you ,they also feel like you are anxious or indecisve at times like you need support oh my goodness pile 2. People naturally love you ,you dont have to work hard for their love its good that you know your worth. You may also teach ?you may be open-minded towards others .you look young? Its giving me young blood vibes here

People see you as someone who works hard , someone with a different sense of fashion and interest they feel like you have a dad humour they feel like you can be happy with yourself and that you dont need others ,you are giving and a hard to read kind of person they dont know what step will you take next yet they trust you they feel kind of annoyed when you keep things to yourself *thats so sweet*

Hmm the darkside of this pile could be obsession if i'm being honest tbh if others wants to keep you to themselves then they may get aggresive ,attached , demand yoir time or over protective in that case just cut em off you have inner strength and you can do it, just cut off weirdos and dont trust others easily wait until they prove themselves.

My take: this was light-hearted and sweet af i was getting simp energy as well ,very appreciative comments like people are protective over you just know it ××

If i had to associate you with a character its tinker bell -looks fragile is street smart .

Song i channelled:

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Pile String:5458

Ace of wands (r),Nine of wands ,page of pentacles,the empress,5 of wands

Spirit animal-Leopard

The empress speaks for itself -

Oh the big di*k energy look pile #3 no one's fucking with you lets be honest here people notice you and you know it very well ,others can feel your presence,they might stare at you a lot because everyone wants to be in the trend like they wanna know what others are looking at, its like you keep others on the edge.

I juat see you minding your own business but you can be nasty if others wrong you , people notice how you are not afraid to stand up for yourself and correct back ,fire rules your energy , people can see you are action oriented you aren't afraid to step up your game or even leave others behind who's not doing their job properly,you may be the type of person who calls out "nonsense " you dont care whether its a person in power you just know one thing and thats equality ,i feel like people see you as a leader you might feel like people are dependent on you or others choose you mostly for project & stuff its because they know you'll get it done

People feel like you are devils advocate it might be risky to get closer to you but the risk is worth it TBH i see people in background for this pile your energy is loud and up in the face so thats intimidating others prefer to keep their distance theres a lot of envy pile 3 i dont care what you think but you are known if you are aware or not ,you have a lot of people who wants to get closer to you ,they think you know it from the amount of attention you get even if you are an introvert its just the energy which is overwhelming and excitement kind of .

I was getting ring vibe a little bit sassy ,likes to do things for yourself,go out to restaurants alone uff.... idk why others feel like you can start a fight or jump in one 😭☠️they feel like you have principles which you stick by ;you may be a sports person I'm getting recrds !!! Others see you as someone who expresses what they feel either verbally or with expressions like they know this person is annoyed or chill depending on their mood ,feel like people might sugarcoat when they talk to you because they dont want to upset you ?! Weird...

People feel like you have got it all and you are extremely giving to your lovers? you are a great partner who values individuality,you can put your ego aside and apologise you are a sincere person who's willing to make things right i feel like your love language may be physical touch or gift giving, people feel abundant in your energy like a good buddy who they can confide in , have awkward moments together , Others feel like its better when they get to know you as the illusions of projection shatters ,you are someone who's peaceful within yourself and others wish to be like you ,you might travel a lot ?

My take: oh what an energy i feel energized

You might have chiron in 1st house,leo venus ,sun square pluto , Taurus mars,north.node trine saturn ,cancer moon ?! I dont feel like its a chaotic energy at all ,you might talk or type fast that was random lolz .

If i had to associate you with a character it will be that red guy from cars .

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Thanks for reading!! Have a good day .

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paradoxbeta · 3 months

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Can I Pleeaaasssee have a Rivulet design? Pretty please? I’m interested to see how you’d draw the eyes, like would they be buggy or sprite accurate? Also SOS would be cool. THX! Wait I mean thanks not-

OH GOD the thx sonic boom

so this ask sent me on a Journey... what was supposed to be a quick drawing spiraled into a whopping 15 different rivulet designs. the full thought process is under the cut, but if you want just the favorite, here's a rivulet based off of a flatworm!

(ps you should totally check out my character design rambles because theres a jetfish rivulet and a shrimp rivulet too and many more)

so the first thing i tried to do was a very simple rivulet design:

however something in this just wasnt enough. im not sure if it was/is the body type similarity to the other slugcats or the fact that i didnt even address the eyes, but i tried to fix it by making the eyes more canon accurate

unfortunately this was Still Wrong. it just felt like i was redrawing the canon rivulet when i KNEW i could make it more visually distinctive. my biggest issue was trying to get the eyes to be sprite adjacent while still remaining buggy because its not rivulet if it doesnt have those big sopping wet pathetic orbs. so there were a Lot Of Eyes

somehow along the way i got distracted and after a long bout of doing something completely irrelevant (trying to make a pupil system for sprite accurate eyes??? it looked bad) i decided to tinker with the body more. leech rivulet came to mind and i drew it because i thought it would be awful in a funny way, but it was...

...not bad?

while it wasnt really rivulet, it was still a step in the right direction: mixing and mashing rivulet with aquatic species appeared to yield interesting results. so after doing the next reasonable step and making a sockeye salmon rivulet which was only mildly cursed,

i started playing god with various aquatic species off the top of my head

+ shrimp

(not pictured: attempts at a horseshoe crab, a barrel-eye fish, and a rivulet with eyes on the top of its head like a halibut which ended up looking like a scav grown out of a test tube. those 3 did not look good)

i did also end up with 2 extras, which i wasnt sure if they were freaky in a fun way or freaky in an "oh dude wtf" way

and finally, there was a jetfish rivulet

which, excluding the flatworm, should be an exhaustive list of the nonsense i did with riv's design. the flatworm ended up being my favorite because the wavy sides and riv's blue color just make it look too much like waves to pass up.

#ask #i assume sos stands for sliver of straw?#whom i completely forgot about in the name of putting riv through a design blender with the lid off #but i do have a sliver of straw design in mind #just havent had time to work on it...

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floydsglasses · 2 months

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𝘼 𝙒𝙝𝙞𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙧 𝙉𝙤𝙩 𝘼 𝙔𝙚𝙡𝙡 - Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw (A Quiet Place AU)

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x AFAB OC/ Valerie

SUMMARY: Society has fallen to ruin's where silence is key to survival in a world where most humans have been killed by blind but noise-sensitive creatures. Two unlikely survivors come across each and agree to stick together.

Tag's: Mention of blood/wounds, post apocalyptic setting, use of ASL, Alien creatures. Stranger's to Lover's, Angst, Swearing, Fluff, inacurate first aid, No Use of Y/N A/N: First Story on tumblr, I hope that I did this right and hopefully I didnt mess thing's up too much

WORD COUNT: 7,731

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SOUND. What once was so common is now almost extinct as the human race. The birds no longer flew in the sky, car alarms didn't blast loudly with a touch of a button, soft chatter’s from conversation now replaced with howling of the wind. Everything before was so simple, it was so easy, she didn't have to worry about the sound of leaves crunching under her feet, closing a door too hard, letting out a breath too hard. Now one wrong move in this world, a person’s life is gone in less than a whisper.

Her hand’s trailed over the isles of abandoned goods, she used to love going to the supermarket, seeing people and having a nice conversation with the cashier, kind smile’s.

Now a trip into town is so dreaded, the world is so quiet and it’s almost insufferable to her. Though she would much rather prefer the silence of the world then the harsh darkness of death from the predator's who now ruled the world.

She looks down at her grocery list, written on the back of the brochure for a navel bar, The Hard Deck. Before day 1 of the end of the world, she worked at a cafeteria in a nursing home, after rough day’s she would sometime’s sit at the bar with a bottle of beer. At the moment she much preferred the sound of the man she could catch glimpses of the few night’s playing 60’s tune’s on the piano. She assumed anyone she once knew is gone now.

She slide’s the can of food into her messenger bag, making sure not to stock up too much on the cans, learning the hard way that too much noise will attract the monsters.

Her bare feet smack the ground of the white tiled floor as she turned onto the next aisle.

Food rations were running low for her, and it didn't help that nowhere was safe enough for her. Walking around a desolate San Diego without shoe’s also wasn't ideal. Pain killers, she thought .

A few weeks ago she tripped on the sidewalk, skidding her knee and thigh, not something she would recommend handling without pain killers.

The snap of glass pulls her out of her thought’s. The hair on her arm stood to attention as her heart pounded in her rib cage, eye’s widened fearfully. Her hand grazed her knife holster, gripping the ebony handle. She had never handled a weapon for the purpose of hurting another human, not before this new world began.

Her breath shake’s as she lightly step’s around the corner. Unsheathing the blade from her waist. Monster’s were not the only threat in the world, the people, rumors at least swirled of groups of people calling themselve’s Bandits ruled parts of the city. She had not ventured that far, she was hell bent on finding somewhere away from the city, anywhere that was safe.

She huffed, swinging her blade as she rounded the aisle corner. She panted, her head darting in each direction. All that remained were leaves blown in from the broken front door, a few item’s laid on the ground.

She shook her head. Paranoia much. She rolled her eye’s, putting her knife back into its holster. You know you are totally crazy. Her bare feet turned on the edge to go back to her original isle.

Her arm’s smack into a metal stand, it began to fall to the floor. She gasped quickly trying to stop its descent. Its pamphlet’s crashed with metallic bang. Her eyes widened in horror as her heart raced, blood drained from her face.

Oh God, she panicked. Roar’s in the distance began to cry out at the sound. She stood frozen in fear, panting as she desperately fought against her sense telling to hide.

She let out a gasp as she was brought to the floor. She expected to be met with darkness, her eye’s closed tight awaiting the pain from the sharp talon’s of the creature’s that ruled the quiet world.

Shhh. A voice whispered next to her ear, their hot breath sending shivers down her spine. Her heart pounded. Her back was held closely to something..someone.

Her arm’s radiated with warmth, mostly from fear. Could the stranger be holding her back so they can save their own skin, or did they have something else in mind.

No time can pass in her mind as clicking began to fill the supermarket. Footsteps heavy on the tile, a hissing sound filled the air. The stranger behind her shuddered at the sound’s, the two of them both equally fearful.

Click Click.

They sounded. The dark silhouette casted on the ceiling above them on the white bar’s. The stranger’s hand clamped over her mouth as her panting grew erratic, she stood still not daring to move, even with the tight grip around her body from the stranger.

The click’s began to get closer to them, the footsteps heavier with each step. Their dark gray skin tight as their gorilla like movement helps them traipse across the tile. Their flower-like head’s turn slowly in each direction. She guessed they were looking for any sound.

She gulped as she held her breath, restricting her air. Hoping it will limit any sound she may be making, even with the help of the person holding her. She was sure that she was louder then what she may be stopping.

On her spine, a light thump was against her back. Rhythmically repeating at a rapid pace, similar to her own.

The creature’s head twitched with each click from its mouth, searching for her. Its heavy footsteps thudded against the ground as it walked on all fours.

A single tear trailed down her cheek, the heat from the stranger’s hand made the pool of sweat on her forehead fall. With a final twitch of its head, it let out an inhuman, ear piercing roar. A swift move the monster ran out of the supermarket.

A sigh of relief left her lip’s. The calloused hand left her mouth, her shoulders relaxed briefly. Her eyes widened, she reached for the holster that held her knife. A tight grip on wrist stopped her. From the size of his hand, she could tell he was a man, one who worked with his hand’s from the vein’s that popped.

He held on tightly onto her wrist as he got to his feet. Her heartbeat had not stopped racing, adrenaline pumped through her veins. She snapped her head, she had been ready to throw insult’s in, her head at least.

She looked the man up and down. His dirty blonde hair, messy and short. His dark brown eyes scanned her, maybe he saw her as a threat. Though he clearly had a chance of overpowering her. Above his chapped lips laid a thin line of facial hair, she wondered how long it took him to grow it.

He released her hand, putting his hand’s up in surrender. “Who are you?” She signed to him frantically, he blinked at her panicked state. He shook his head.

“I'm not gonna hurt you.” He reassured her she scrunched her nose up.

“Did you follow me?” She signed slowly. He shook his head.

“I was here before you.” The man stated in sign. “Bullshit!” She signed, her brows furrowed in anger.

“I swear.” He swore. In their silent world, she was thankful that she had taken the time prior to learning ASL. She wouldn't have thought it would be useful in a post apocalyptic setting.

Her shoulders relaxed, her jaw remained clinched. “Listen, to me please.” He pleaded with her, she crossed her arms.

He bent down on his knees leaning over grabbing a blue and yellow pamphlet, the world's map of San Diego written in a white font.

He began to carefully unfold it, placing objects on the corner to keep it straightened out. He looks up at her. “Marker?” He signed.

She furrowed her brow, she shook her head no. “What are you doing?” She signed to the stranger.

“Showing you something.” He signed, he looked around at the old store, smirking. He lightly stepped across the tiled floor.

She noted the duct tape on his boot’s, tear’s and rip’s in the leather in each curve, she supposed he had placed the tape to absorb the sound, she hadnt even thought about it.

Beginning to make mark’s on the map, taking pauses to think. His lip’s formed a thin line, he looked at her.

“You see that?” He signed, she shook her head.

“The Circle’s?” She signed to him, even in sign language he could detect the sarcasm she laid on. He gesture’s with two finger’s for her to get down to his level. She bends down to her knees, getting a closer look.

“You see it now?” He signed, she shook her head. He gently grabbed her hand, using his index finger pointing to the center. A green and beige island in the ocean, half a mile from the North Island docks. Her brows furrowed.

“What is that?” She signed. He blinked. “Island, not far from the bay, safe.” He says in sign language, she shook her head.

“Nowhere is safe.” She says.

“You don't know that.” He says, he motioned in frustration. “And you do?” She pointed out.

“Come with me.” He signed, she shook her head at his offer. “No, I don't know you.” She says.

“So..we can help each other.” He tells her, she shook her head in disbelief.

“I don't need your help.” She reassured him, she had gotten pretty far into the two year’s they have been in the apocalypse. His jaw dropped slack.

“You sure?” He challenged, and she nodded her head.

“Look, I can see you don't trust me.” He signed, she shrugged in agreement.

“But If you want to not live in fear of making a noise.” He paused with his hand’s up, he breathed out quietly. Her heart skipped a beat, looking at the brown eye’s of the stranger.

“Then come with me and see if it’s true.” He says.

She crossed her arms over her chest. She eyed the broken object’s on each side of the isle’s. The man in front of her offered her safety, and it had been so long since she last talked with another human being. He had saved her from being alien bait.

“Okay.” She signed to him. He breathed in relief at agreeance.

“One condition.” She state’s, he nodded his head.

“If it turns out to be fake.” She start’s. His gaze on her softened.

“We go our separate ways.” She sign’s, he nods his head.

“Deal.” He signed. The both of them got to their feet, he shuffled, folding up the map and stuffing it away. She lightly picked up her fallen backpack, she still needed supplies.

His brown eyes watched her. Before the alien had crashed in he had caught glimpses of her through the broken shelves. Her hair tucked into a beanie, a windbreaker jacket and jeans, no shoes though. Her own survival tactic he guessed, she seemed focused on her objective of getting what she needed.

“What’s your name?” He ask’s her, she gulps hesitating. She lifts up her hand’s and begin’s to sign out her name.

“Valerie.” She mouthed to him. He smirked. “You?” She asks back.

He runs a hand through his hair, he raises up his hands, slowly signing out the letter’s of his name. “Bradley.”

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THE NEXT FEW days the two survivors had grown close, well as close as two people can when they are only using sign language to communicate.He would fumble on his signing that she would have to guess what he had said.

Her legs ached on each side, they had been making their way out of the inner city, following the highway to the marina. If car’s didn't risk the chance of them being caught their trip would take twenty minutes, now it would be a three day trip on foot, not including them avoiding the creature’s.

Valerie sighed, the morning sun of december shined on the two of them. The sun was high enough she could guess it was eleven in the morning. Bradley and her would both take turns with a large machete, it was heavy in her hand’s that most of the time he was the one welding it.

She feel’s a tap on her shoulder, she turned her head at him. ��Are you hungry?” Bradley signed, she shook her head. “No.” She signed.

“I have a fruit cocktail, if you do get hungry.” He signs, her lip’s forming a thin line, smiling softly at his chivalry. She brushed a piece of her hair from her face, the bitter air whipping at her cheeks.

“Thank you.” Valerie say’s. She had grown tired of their small talk;most conversations that had gotten out of one another were about if they were okay, how far they were from their location, and where they should stop to rest.

Not that she didn't appreciate his worry for her, they had to rely on each other if they wanted to make sure they would see the next sunrise. She crossed her arms in her windbreaker, the two walked past run down car’s. Nature had started to reclaim her own, the highway’s covered in greenage and rust set into the metal of the high rise.

“Hey.” She stops him, he turns to look at her, keeping the same pace. “What?” He wondered.

“Before this.” She start’s off, looking away thinking of a question to break the ice. “What did you do, your job?” She ask’s. He runs fingers through his blonde hair in though.

He point’s to the sky, using two finger’s to trace along the white cloud’s. She furrowed her brow trying to understand him. “You..worked in the sky?” She signed.

“A pilot?” Valerie signs, he nods his head. He point’s up again, using two finger’s as a gun.He shot in the sky, she thinks, her eye’s widening as she understands him now.

“Top..gun.” She signed slowly.

“Yeah, and you?” He ask’s, she shakes her head. His job was definitely more eventful than hers. She cleaned table’s, served plates out to elderly people, and sometimes she would deliver to room’s.

“I worked in a cafeteria.” She signed to him. “Kind of boring.” She tells him, he shook his head.

“That’s not boring, that's simple.” Bradley reassured her, she shook her head. “You got to fly in the sky..All I did was serve soup.” Valerie says to him

“I would have loved that.” He tells her. “There were times I just wanted thing’s to be slow.” He admitted to her, she furrowed her brow at his admittance.

“Why did you join then?” Valerie wondered. He sighed, her eye’s drifting down at the grass growing through the cracking line’s of the highway. He gulped as they continued to walk on.

“I just had to.” He says. She nodded her head, she guessed it was a story she had to hear by mouth, which she was sure she would never hear.

“Long story short?” She signed to him, he shrugged his shoulders. “How far are we?” Valerie wonder’s.

“We passed about two, maybe three gas stations.” He tells her, she scoff’s, she hadn't taken the time to note the landmark’s, only keeping in mind how long it will take to get to their destination.

“They all look the same.” She says.

“Everything does.” Bradley remark’s, his movement’s in his hands are slower. She noted that his signing was slower than hers, she guessed he wasn't as fluent or quick in ASL like she is.

“How far from the marina do you think we are?” Valerie asked him, his brow’s furrowed, he looked around at the street signs. He pulls the map from his bag, placing it lightly on a rundown car hood, bringing the red sharpie marking off on it.

“We were at Amo’s street and now we are on 163.” He signed to her. She stands close to him looking down at the map. He had taken the time to mark off on each site they passed.

“Okay and how much further?” She wonder’s. His brown eye’s look at the map. “Fourteen miles .” He guessed

“Seriously?” She ask’s, she dropped her hand’s at her side in frustration. ”I think you are pulling my boob.” She joke’s, he furrowed his brow at her signing, got to teach him some thing’s.

“It's only been a few day’s.” He point’s out, she rolled her eye’s. A few day’s in this world was a lifetime with how long it takes to travel.

“Feel’s longer.” She remarked.

“You can still get leave.” He reminds her, she sighed. He was right, she didn't have to stick with him, they could part way’s now and hope for the best.

Though it was nice to have someone to care about, knowing that when she woke up that someone was going to be waiting for her. In the world before she had thrown herself into her work, claiming it was her mistress. She hadn't given herself time for relationships, and frankly they never gave time to her either. No need to waste her energy in a world that seemed so bleak.

“We’ve gotten this far.” Valerie reminds him.

“We finish what we have started.” She signs to him. Her eye’s hardened with determination, he smirked at her ambition.

“If we keep walking we should get close enough to the bay area.” He summarized. “What about sleeping?” She asked him, his shoulder’s slump, as if to let out a sigh.

He put his hand in a salute looking at the skyline in front of them. Building’s once filled the sky high reflecting from the glass now covered in vine’s, some had crashed down. Slashed from the claw’s and talon’s of the sound seeking creature’s. She often wondered how it must have felt to watch from above seeing everyone going about their lives. They must have looked like ant’s compared to them.

“There.” He point’s

“You wanna go there?” Valerie asked him, he nodded his head.

“That’s far.” She mouthed to him, he furrowed his brow’s

“So is the marina.” He signs, he point’s to the top of the building. “If we get high enough we can see how far we are.” He tells her. Her heart thumped as it raced

“Can't we just go to a motel?” She wonder’s, he shook his head confused. “Thought you wanted to see how far we are?” He ask’s, she gulped.

“Just the height is intimidating.” Valerie tell’s him. He smirked amused at her fear. “The world has ended and you are afraid of heights?” He signed to her, she rolled her eyes.

“No, I'm afraid of a creature climbing a high rise to kill me.” She state’s.

“I won't let that happen.” He promised her, his signing in the end being wrong. She shook her head.

“Give me your hand.” She orders. He furrowed his brow. She guides his hands, moving them in the right motion’s, mouthing what they are. “That’s how you do it.” Valeria corrects him.

“Thank’s.” He signs. She smiled softly, she swung her backpack up further. “Come on.” She usher’s him, her heart pounding looking at the sun peaking through the two towers.

⏁⏁⏁

SHE HAD DECLARED it she hated height’s. Even more than before she climbed the eighteen floor’s of the forty one floors of the Pacific Gate. She had always wondered what it must have been like to stay in the extractive type hotels. She had grown up in Virginia, in a rural town mile’s from the urban city, she had come to Calafornia chasing a dream that sadly fell through.

Her fingers grazed the chipped paint on the wall, the pearl white had turned brown from the age and vine’s had grown in the hall’s into the room’s. They had luckily found a room that wasn't terribly covered in the reclaimed nature. Bradley had insisted that they stay close to each other, both taking a watch.

Though they doubted that anyone or anything would find them up there, unless they made a sound. He kept to himself mostly, she wondered before the end of the world had he been a social person, like her. She could see from his choice in wardrobe, a Hawaiian shirt underneath his black jacket that he certainly had a taste. His tan skin almost kissed by the sun herself, had he gotten it from all their walking, maybe he had it before the world went quiet.

Her feet step on the ripped up dark blue carpet. The sun had set on the city and the moon had shone over the window’s of the balcony. A warm orange glow lit the room from her lantern. He laid on the bed, white ear bed’s in each of his ears, plugged into an old IPod nano. His brown eyes focused on the world outside.

She stands next to the white unmade sheet’s. A buffalo plaid blanket laid on top, she had insisted that she take the couch on the other side. She had noticed he had been limping up the step’s, knowing that the fancy hotel probably had a mattress that would make him feel better. He refused, if she could she would have let out a frustrated yell.

She tap’s his shoulder, he shuddered at the touch from her, he snapped his head in surprise. His finger’s grazing the knife holster on his leg.

“Sorry.” He signed.

She shook her hand. “It's Okay.” Valerie take’s the seat spot next to him, keeping a distance between the both of them.

“How did you get that?” She asks, pointing at the old technology, he smirked looking down at the blue case, a smiley face sticker on the back that slowly chipped away.

“It’s mine.” He states, she nodded her head.

“It still works?” She asks curious, she hadn't used one in years, preferring streaming from her phone.

His pink chapped lips formed a thin line. “Yeah, all my music from college.” He tells her, his signing is still slow.

“Anything good?” Valerie wonder’s, he shrugged his shoulders. He handed it to her to look at, she held up the screen, beginning to scroll with the control’s, clicking with each movement of her thumb. His music taste ranged from almost every decade up until 2012. She was almost surprised with the variety of choices’ he had at the tip of his fingers’, she looked down sadly, she hadn't heard music in what felt like an eternity, she can't even recall the last thing she had listened to on day one of their new world order.

She stops scrolling. Her eyes widened at the song, Jerry Lee Lewis’s, Great Balls of Fire. A soft smile creased her cheek’s. Lonely nights in the bar were less lonely when everyone around her began to sing the sixtie’s jaunty tune. She brought her hand to her mouth.

His brows furrowed at her reaction. “What?” He signed. She shook her head.

“Nothing, it's just.” She stops looking down again, her thumb grazing the play button. “There was a guy at this bar.” He perked up, his brows furrowed.

“He played this on the piano.” She recall’s, smiling softly. His eyes widened, his lip’s parting as his thoughts raced.

“Yeah every saturday..guess he is gone now.” Valerie signed sadly, she brushed back a piece of her hair.

Bradley had finally realized something. In the store, he saw her through the broken isles and fallen objects. He could have swore it was his mind finally playing tricks on him, until he caught a glimpse of her face.

There were night’s he would go into the Hard Deck. She would sit in the same spot each night, order the same drink, she always seemed to have her mind on anything but where she was. He had been curious who she was, why was she always in her head. He did plan to talk to her, only any time he got the courage to talk to her, she would get up and leave before he could get a chance to speak.

He pulls one of the white ear buds out of his ear, handing it to her. She looked down at his hand, taking it from him, placing it in her ear, pressing the play button. She flinches at the sudden piano playing. He chuckled quietly.

She rolled her eyes playfully. She began bobbing her head slowly, trying not to move her head too much. The two of them doing different motion’s to the music, if she was alone she would be all over the place, dancing on the mattress belting her lung’s out. He bites his lips, closing his eyes, thinking of better times.

Valerie mouthed the lyrics, leaning her head back at the chorus. She shakes her shoulders leaning into him trying to get him to join in with her. Bradley smirked at her happiness, the two of them tried everything to bond. Seeing the other experiencing something other than fear made his heart flutter.

He begin’s tap with his finger’s the note’s of the piano. Recalling the filling of the key’s under his finger’s, each movement a phantom at his tip’s. Valerie hold’s her fist as a mock microphone as she mouthed the final lyrics.

An inhuman screech fills the air echoing off the city. Her heart raced, wiping her head to look at the balcony. She shook her head. Figure’s she thinks’. The world outside was still as bleak as ever. Her smile fell as she glanced down.

“I’ll take my first watch.” She signed to him. His brow’s furrowed. Her shoulders tensed as she stood to attention, pulling her jacket closer. She turns on her heels to walk.

“Wait”. she hears a faint whisper escape’s his lip’s. He reached out, taking her hand in his calloused one. Their eyes locked as his face softened.

“Stay.” He pleads

She gazed at him. He had before insisted that they stay in separate rooms so the other had the chance of escaping while the other could too. Now here he begged for her to not leave him alone. Was he really scared this time, did he need that comfort of knowing in the room he wasn't alone.

“Of course.” Valerie signed. He gulped, running his hand through his unkempt honey curls. He laid back down. Placing his headphones back in his ear, leaving one out one for her to hear the music he played.

Bradley stayed awake for as long as he could, fighting hard against the sleepiness in his body, losing in the end. Soft snoring escaping his lip’s. Valerie formed a soft grin at his peacefulness, the both had seen so much, so many things lost and so many stolen from each of them.

She leaned over him, pulling a navy blue blanket over his chest. He turns in sleep, not waking. Hopefully he dreamed, anywhere that wasn't there must be better. Her eyes grew heavier and heavier as she stared at the quiet city. She wiped away the feeling from her eye’s.

Desperately battling against her own body clock, she groaned softly, wiping her cheek’s. Just shut your eye’s for a moment, the last word’s she thinks before her head hits the pillow and the world becomes dark.

⏁⏁⏁

SHE SCRIBBLED THE WORD on the notepad. The two had grown bored on their adventure to the marina. Valerie had been sneaking around the Pacific gate, and found a white board for Bradley to use to communicate. Thinking it would make their communicating easier, as his ASL was slow, and now she could properly tease him.

“A.” He signed, she smirked, shaking her head. They had started playing the game hangman in to past time, they weren't far from the marina, having woken up late didn't help the ground they would have to make up.

He rolled his eyes as she drew another body part to the stick figure. She licked her lips as she waited for another guess. She had won the last five round’s of the game and him once, to be fair she didn't blame him for not being good at guessing games when there wasn't anyone to give hints verbally.

“C.” He guessed, she nodded her head writing the letter on the white board. He pumped his fist, the machete in the other, his turn as her hands were preoccupied with the marker.

“I hate this.” He signs, she smirks at him. “You just suck.” She teased him, he pulls out a tiny notepad, writing down in big letters. He holds it up to her.

“You have a lot of sass for a girl with no shoe’s.” It read, her eyes widened at the comeback. She uses her hoodie sleeve wiping off a bit of their game writing.

“And who’s idea was that mustache?”She wondered. His lip’s parted agape. “You love it.” He signs, she shakes her head. “Fuck off no I dont.” She write’s down. He holds up his own notepad.

“Everyone loves it, baby.” His read’s, she rolled her eye’s. “Not me.” She gesture’s. He scoffs silently.

“Wanna find out why?” He challenged her, licking his chapped lips. She looked at the hair above his lip, his facial hair being a stand out to the rest of his features, other than his well built physique. His blonde hair is curly on the top and shaved on the neck, unkempt yet somehow it still made him look even more handsome.

“No thanks.” She smiled softly. She looks down at her whiteboard, wiping it off again. “Keep guessing.” She urged him.

He runs his hand through his curl’s. “P” He sign’s. She looks at him disappointed, adding another limb to the stick man.

“That’s two arm’s.” Valerie point’s out. He shook his head. His step’s halt as he look’s up. “What?” She ask’s, her eye’s scan his sight seeing what he stopped for. Her heart stop’s in her throat as it began to race.

Hundreds of boat’s laid out in front of them on the waterfront, docked in their areas. Some fell prey to nature while some still remained.

Her breath shaked, she looked to the man next to her. Tears filled both their eyes, they had finally made it after so many long hours of walking, and dodging alien’s they reached their destination.

“Come on.” Valerie urged him.

She turned on her heels quickly scurrying to the stairs that lead down to the docks. He followed closely behind her as the both of them desperately raced for the nearest boat’s. Her feet pound against the wood as she stop panting looking around at their option for travel.

“Which one?” She asked him. He put his hand on hips trying to catch his breath.

“Anything with a cabin.” He writes on his notepad, she nods her head.

She walked around each boat, checking each for a key. She doubted that any of them would be filled with gasoline, much less run. For the most part they were almost all sailboat’s, and small yachts. She had never been on a boat, well one as big as the one’s parked in the water. She had gone fishing before with her uncles in the past, though she knows a small boat wouldn't get them to the island they needed something better.

The wood creaked as she stepped back down again. Valerie walk’s back around to the other dock, he stood with his arms crossed irritated.

“That bad.” She joke’s.

“I'll check again.” She tells him. He shrugged. “Be my guest.” He signed to her. The dock creaked again as with the heavy step of her foot. She gasps as a sharp pain in his felt in her thigh. She snapped her head looking down, a long black stick stuck out of her, piercing through pant leg.

A scream of anguish left her mouth as hot fire pain ran up and down her leg. She collapsed onto the dock groaning loudly, her eyes widened as her hot tears welled.

Bradley ran to her side, putting his hand over her mouth, muffling her scream. Valerie cried as she tried to pull the arrow out.

“Don't do that.” He whispered to her. She whimpered, leaning her head back.

He grunt’s as a cold metal graze’s his neck. Her eyes widened as another man behind him held a knife to the blonde’s throat. Two men dressed in ragged clothes, walk slowly behind him and stand above her, her heart racing in fear. Bradley slowly get’s to his feet, lifting his hand’s up in surrender. The man nod’s his head at the two men. The grab Valerie under her arm’s bringing her to her feet, she groaned quietly. A woman walks around, forcing a bandana around her mouth silencing her, she walks around.

Her cold eye’s analyzing both of them. No one dared to speak, she slowly paced around them. She removes a rope from around her waist, standing behind Bradley. She smirked, shooting dagger’s at Valerie. She grunt’s wrapping the rope around his neck, pulling it tightly. He gasped for air pulling at the rope that cut into his neck. He groaned as the man behind him forced him to turn around, beginning to drag him across the wooden dock.

Valerie grunted against the two men’s arm’s, her heart raced as she watched him struggle, clawing at his captor. The woman from before circle’s her, looking the restrained girl up and down, vulture to its prey. She point’s with her knife at the end of the dock.

She pant’s in fear, gritting her teeth. Her eye’s went to his kicking leg’s, a black leather strap on his leg laid a metallic flicker of the sun. Her brows furrowed as she understood what to do. She stomps on the wood.

The woman in front of her raised her brow’s at her action. Bradley looked at her, she stomped again, gesturing to her leg. He grunted twisting around trying to slow the man behind him, he strained as he grunt’s pulling him closer to the water. Valerie stomp’s her foot again, slapping thigh again.

His brown eyes darted to his own leg. The black leather sheath with his initials in the working laid his brown bowie handled knife. He reached with one hand, the other fighting the rope at his throat. His finger’s link through the hole in the handle, pulling it out.

Valerie met the eye of the woman leader. She smirked as her confusion grew. She grit’s through her teeth, extending her leg kicking the woman in the face, she stumbled back falling over onto the dock. She huffed, grabbing the handle in her holster, unsheathing her blade plunging it into the man behind her groin.

The man hollered out in pain. His scream echoing off the city. Screech and roar’s sound alert at the sudden disruption of their perfect world. The man with the rope looked up with wide eyes, his distraction end’s as a sharp cut is felt to his stomach.

He released the rope. Bradley got to his feet, he grunted as he balled his fist and swung it into the man’s face. Valerie grabbed one of the men by their shoulders, plunging her blade into his chest, he groaned in agony.

Shoving him away from her. Blood rushed through her ear’s as the creature’s cry’s began to get closer to them all. Valrie grunted limping, holding her thigh, crimson brown leaking through her jean’s onto the wood. She gritted her teeth trying to move as fast as her injury would let her get. Behind her she could hear the clicking of the alien, as well as its talon slicing through a body.

Bradley pulled the man against the dock post, pulling the rope tight as he fought against him.

“Fuck you.” He whispered into the man’s ear, he jammed the knife into the killer's gut. He let out a cry of agony, the creature’s hollers cutting in with his.

Valerie ducked out of the way, her head slamming hard into the wood. The former pilot dove into the water as the man was tackled into the bay water.

Her vision blurred as she looked to the sky above. She gasped for breath, panting as hot flashes ran through her body. The world around faded in and out, eventually turning dark.

⏁⏁⏁

HER BODY ACHED. Never in her life had she felt this tired, each side of her felt like they were under rushing water, slowing her with fatigue and aches. Her eyes fluttered open as she took in her surroundings, the room around her rock back and forth, small and walled with dark oak. She groaned looking down at her leg.

The arrow was gone, the pain lingered. Her pant leg was cut open, a part of her maroon brief’s visible. A white bandage wrapped around her thigh, a bit of blood stained brown on her leg. She pant’s as she looked all around her, she didn't recognize where she was at all. “Valerie, it's okay.” A deep voice spoke clearly, her heart skipped a beat. She whipped her head, he got to her side sitting on an ottoman close to the wall. His blonde hair dripped with water, though the rest of his clothes remained dry.

She stuttered for a moment. “I got the arrow out but I had to dig around the tip.” Bradley inform’s her, crossing his hands over his lap.

“You bled a lot, and you kept waking up each time I tried to remove it.” He says to her. The glow from the bedside lamp illuminated his features onto the oak of the room. His brown eyes meet her widened one’s, he furrowed his brow.

“Are you okay, what’s wrong?” He asked in concern. She shook her head.

“Nothing, it's just.” She gulp’s.

“I haven't heard you speak before.” She admits, his gaze softened on her. There were moments she could catch glimpses of his voice when he mouthed words, it was much deeper then what she had thought it was.

“Where are we?” Valerie asks him. He gulps, clearing his throat.

“Couple mile’s out from the bay, the creature drowned itself so it didn't follow us.” He reassures her, she nods her head.

“How far from the island are we?” She wonder’s, he shrugged his shoulders as though.

“About five miles, give or take.” He inform’s her, she listens hearing the sound of water slushing around, she was on a boat.

“They can't swim, and it’s raining right now, so it’s safe to talk.” He tells her. She groans as she holds her thigh sitting up. He gets to her side. “Hey Hey take it easy.” He soothed her.

“I'm fine.” Valerie state’s, he shakes his head. “You were shot with an arrow and lost a lot of blood.” He reminds her.

“You said you were a fighter pilot, not a nurse.” She teased with a weak laugh. He rolled his eyes at her comments. “Gonna take a lot more than an arrowhead to take me out.” She tells him.

“Clearly.” He chuckled. “Listen, what happened back there.” She start’s, he holds up his hand for her to stop. “Dont..its okay, its over.”

“No, I'm sorry.” Valerie say’s softly, shaking her head. His brows furrowed in confusion at her guilt. “We didn't know they were there, it's fine.” He assured her.

“No I meant I should have done more, I should have swallowed my pain and killed him.” She ranted, biting her lip as she thought about all of it.

“It’s not your fault, none of that was your fault.” Bradley says to her. “They were gonna kill you.” Valerie stammer’s out, she wiped her eye’s. “And you saved me.” He reminded her, and she shook her head.

“You did, I wouldn't have remembered my knife if you hadn't been there.” Bradley admit’s. He stands up, sitting on the gray sheets of the bed she laid on. His plaid shirt unbuttoned, underneath he wore a black shirt.

“They would have drowned me, and killed you.” He tells her.

“Valerie you saved me, you did.” He declares strongly. He glanced down at her bare thigh. Shiver ran down her body as goosebumps painted her arms. Her heart skipped a beat.

“Should probably change your bandage.” He whispered, rubbing the back of his neck. He cleared his throat. He stands up walking out of the cabin room. A breath of relief left her lips. she hadn't realized it. She missed human’s, conversation, touching, feeling, and experiencing. She joked before that she ghosted through everything, living only to work. Now she lived to survive, that wasn't living.

He came back into the room with first aid supplies. He sat down in front of her on the floor, and began to unwrap the bandage from her leg. His fingertip’s grazed her thigh, her heart pounded in her ear’s loudly. “You're staring.” He mumbled. She cleared her throat leaning back on her hand’s.

“Sorry..uh just talk to me.please.” She pleaded with him, chuckling nervously. “Um..what was your word on the highway?” Bradley wonder’s, she scoffs. “Sore loser.” She grumbled, shaking her head. He rolled his eye’s as he soaked a cotton ball with alcohol.

“It was cowboy.” Valerie tell’s him. “What!?” He exclaimed, she chuckled, shaking her head. “See what I mean.” She teased him. She hissed through her teeth as hot pain stung her, she grit her teeth sitting up, gripping his arms.

“Fuck motherfuc-agh.” The women swore holding him tightly. His brown eyes looked her up and down.

“Little warning would have been nice.” Valerie mutter’s.

“Sorry.” He breathed out. She shook her head letting go of his arms.

“Can I ask you something?” Valerie wonder’s, he nods his head.

“Yeah sure.” Bradley say’s, he brings cold wet cloth, wiping away the dried blood that dye’s the white red. She glanced at his lips watching as he worked around the wound. She could see the outline of the arrowhead and where he had to cut around her thigh.

“Did you ever visited the Hard Deck?” Valerie asked calmly. He licked his lips looking up from his spot on the floor.

“You said you were a pilot, and that was the popular spot for them.” She recall’s.

“Did you ever go?” She repeats’. “I did.” He answers, she smirks. He place’s a white gauze on the wound, soaking up the blood, placing more around it.

“So you must have seen me at some point right?” Valerie smiled softly. He bit his lip as heat arose to his cheek.

“I did.” He says softly. Her heart pounded, the blonde stared up at her from the floor. His eyes glancing between the wound on her leg, his finger’s working delicately to not hurt her, and her face.

His breath hot on the bare part of her skin, his focus didn't deter him from how close the two were getting. More than they have been since they began their journey. “Did you ever try to talk to me?” She wondered. He wrapped the bandage around her leg tightly.

“I wanted to, you always left before I could.” Bradley admit’s. Her breath hitched at his confession.

“I saw you every Saturday, you alway ordered the same thing.” His brown eyes glanced at her.

“Pale Ale, with a garnish.” He recall’s, her dropped slightly agape.

“And you always looked like you had so much on your mind.” His voice vibrated. Her brows furrowed as she began to rerun scenes from the world before. Every Saturday. She thought. It couldn't be him, could it. “I never got the confidence though, kind of mad at myself on that one.” He chuckled weakly, he shook his head. Her thoughts raced as she played everything back, she only caught glimpses from behind, his sunglasses always his eyes from her, and the crowd’s of civilians and armed forces.

He turned around. “It was you wasn't it?” Valerie say’s, she sits up with her hand in her lap. His heart pounded, he

“Great balls of Fire, every saturday…the piano.” She lists,their eyes not daring to look away.

“Was that you?” She asks softly. He smiled warmly. His hand’s stopped wrapping, he taped it sealing her wound off. Her hand’s hold his on her bare thigh.

"Yes." He anwserd, he looked down at the floor. "That was me." He says.

She smiled, caressing his cheek, making him look her in the eye. The gap between the two of them began to get smaller As his hand slowly trailed to her waist. She holds the back of his neck pulling him in, inhaling deeply as their lips begin to move in sync.

His finger grazes across her skin, the warmth of them contrasting with her cold body. He leaned forward, hooking his hand under knee .

Her back pushed into the grey comforter, the both of them keeping the rhythm of lips . She wrapped her bare leg around his waist, while her other hand played with the hem of his plaid shirt.

She pulled away as sharp pain shot through her body. Valerie held her leg groaning in pain.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, his hot breath on her face. She smiled, their foreheads touching. "It's okay…should take it slow." She says softly.

"Not really my style." Bradley teases her, she could feel him smirk.

"Me neither." She agreed. Valerie untangled herself from, he pulled himself away from her. His blonde hair messy from her fingers.

"You should get some rest, I'll see how far we are." He tell's her. He adjusted his pant leg as he turned around. She smirked at her effect.

"You know if this isn't a rumor, then we won't have to worry about that." Valerie teased him. He bit his lip, turning around to face her.

"Are you good on that promise?" Bradley challenged her. She smirked looking him up and down.

" I might be." She smirked. He shook his head as his cheeks became hot. His brown eyes gazed on the injured girl.

"Get some rest." He says walking out of the cabin room. She sighed leaning her head back against the pillow. Groaning loudly as she closed her eyes as the ache in body remained. The boat slowly rocked her back to sleep.

A/N: AND THAT IS ALL SHE WROTE, God i hope this dosent flop because if it does I have to go down with. Anyway's, your favorite smart mouth guy is next.

Tagged: @cowboysandpilots @bobfloydssunnies @sugarcoated-lame @sorchathered @fairyheart @senawashere @swiftsgirlfriend @

#top gun maverick #top gun #top gun au #top gun fanfic #top gun one shot #top gun maverick fanfiction #bradley bradshaw #bradley rooster bradshaw #bradley bradshaw fic #bradley bradshaw x oc #bradley bradshaw x female oc #A quiet place au #rooster top gun #rooster bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw fanfiction

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cupoftaae · 11 months

Text

Still Perfect (JK Drabble)

Summary- Your mind is playing evil tricks on you again, and the only one who can bring you back down to earth is your husband, the one you are ashamed to admit everything to.

Warnings- swearing, minor angst, they are in luv its cute, mentions of depression (reader), mentions of medications. 18+

Enjoy <3

"Baby...I'm gonna take Gia outside to test the new swing I put up, do you wanna come?" Jungkook whispered, his hand on your back as you laid in the dark bedroom at 2 in the afternoon.

You sighed, looking up at your husbands face, "I want to but I just...Im so tired"

He nodded sadly, "okay...thats okay you dont have to, I'll take pictures?"

"yes please" you smile weakly

"mama!! mama! lets go outside!" Your 3 year old, Gia, runs into the room and stands beside your bed.

Jungkook was quick to pick her up into his arms, squeezing her, "mama isnt feeling too good right now, shes gotta rest." he whispered

"again?" your daughter pouted, her big eyes looking down at you- and with single glance, your heart was broken into 5 million pieces.

Jungkook frowned, "hey, sometimes adults get tired, its okay, we will go have fun in the backyard and you can see mama later? wave bye bye" he held her small hand up and waved for her as he began to leave the room, mouthing a soft "love you" in your direction before the door shut.

with that, the tears began to flow.

Your depression struggles have always found a way into your family, when you were dating jungkook you spent so much time explaining that sometimes you just cant function, and he was the first boyfriend you had that understood and didnt make you feel like a piece of shit for struggling with something out of your control.

It was nice, but then the fears that he would leave set in.

He always tries his best to make sure you feel loved and appreciated, when he proposed, he took you to Italy for 3 weeks just to be alone with you.

And your wedding was no different either.

He made sure you felt beautiful the way you were, showing you off at any chance he could, and even stepping away from the after party with you for a bit when things got overwhelming.

Many emotions were experienced when you became pregnant after 3 months of marriage. The guilt in believing you werent a good mother, the guilt for not having enough energy to eat most days even though you knew it wasnt just about/for yourself.

The self neglect was the worst part, and if jungkook had not been there to help you through all of the ugly, you dont know what you would have done.

You love him so much and the thought that maybe he doesnt feel that from you is terrifying, the thought that your daughter is only 3 and is already catching onto her mothers odd behavior is alarming.

Gia sees her friends moms play with them, she goes over to her cousins house and plays with their mom, why doesnt her own mom have that energy?

The tears seeped into the silk pillows as you squeezed your eyes shut.

This was how it often was for you: no emotion at all, or sadness. thats it, since you were 13.

No amount of doctor visits or therapy could fix you, and now you were letting it ruin your family.

A bit after Jungkook brought Gia inside, she fell asleep on the couch in the living room.

He smiled and took a photo of her small bundled up body laying on the cushion before making his way upstairs to show you.

"honey, you awake?" he mumbled, sliding open the door and walking in.

You were facing the opposite wall, feeling absolutely numb.

"baby" he smiled, kissing your forehead, "you okay? you wanna see the videos of gia?"

You tried to open your mouth to talk but nothing came out, instead your eyes teared up again and you turned your face further into the pillow to hide.

He frowned, putting his phone away as he climbed under the covers with you, his larger body spooning against yours. "sweetheart, whats going on?" his hand brought you closer

"I dont know" you whispered quietly

"just not doing good again?" he questioned, hand rubbing your side softly to soothe you.

You nod, unable to talk.

"im here for you, did you take your medication?"

"no.."

"okay well lets do that now so we dont forget, okay?" he sat up and pulled open your nightstand drawer, taking the pill you take daily and handing it to you alongside a water bottle.

You gently sat up and leaned against the headboard, taking the pill.

"where is she?" you asked quietly, teary eyes catching to kooks in the dimly lit bedroom.

"she passed out on the couch downstairs, bam is laying with her" he smiled, finding a cozy spot beside you again.

"am I a bad mom?" you question, watching his face contort

"what? why would you ask me that? of course you arent"

"jungkook I havent been able to leave the room for 2 days, this isnt normal....she misses me, she needs her mommy and im failing her" your voice cracked slightly as jungkook immediately brought you into his arms, caging you against him.

"dont talk like that, you are such an amazing woman, y/n. I would have never married you otherwise. You are so fucking strong and you cant let yourself fall into this dark space, you are struggling, yes, but we take it step by step, just like we've always done." he rubs your back as he speaks, "and Gia doesnt feel left out, she would not stop talking about you the entire time we were outside. Dont tell her I told you but she picked a bunch of 'flowers' for you" he giggled, "I didnt have the heart to tell her they were just weeds"

You allow yourself to laugh softly, leaning into your husbands embrace.

"you are doing so well....so incredibly well baby. I know life isnt always fair but we cant blame ourselves, we have to pick up what we have learned and move on as stronger people."

You nod, looking at him as he wipes the tear on your cheek.

"my beautiful girl, I love you so much, you know that?"

You smile sadly, "I love you too"

"can I take you downstairs and we can cuddle on the couch? I'll cook for you, you havent eaten in hours"

"okay" you sniff, allowing jungkook to help you up and keep a blanket wrapped around your body.

"mommy!"

Gia's toothless smile greeted you as you came downstairs, Bam laying on her protectively.

"Hi baby" you waved and walked over, sitting onto the couch and letting her crawl into your lap. "I missed you sweetheart, oh- your overalls are backwards" you giggled softly

Jungkook blushed as he sat on the other side of you, sharing a funny glance with his daughter.

"daddy dress me" she whispered

"I can tell" you smile, squeezing her tightly and rocking back and forth gently.

"my pretty girls" jungkook whispered, more so to himself than directed at you both.

"and bammy" gia added on, hiding her face against your chest.

"and bammy" you insisted, rubbing her back

Jungkook leaned over to wrap you two into his arms, kissing both of your heads.

"did you have fun outside" you asked

Gia giggled, "yeah...but daddy pushed the swing too much, I fell" she babbled

"what?" You look at your husband

"shes okay, shes breathing, shes here" he began, smothering his hands over his little girls face as she laughed loudly.

"mama feeling okay?" she asked once you all calmed down,

"mama is doing okay, my dear. Dont worry about me, I love you so much" you squished her face softly and kissed her nose

"love you more!!" she added, clapping her hands

"Love you most!!" You couldnt help but smile as jungkook leaned his head against the back of the couch, eyes drawn on his wife and daughter only.

"i'll make some lunch" he spoke, standing

"yay!! I help?" Gia hopefully asked

"no no, you girls sit there and look cute" he winked at you before walking off to the kitchen, bam following him in hopes of getting a treat.

You loved your little family, and you wouldnt trade them for anything the world had more to offer.

They were the ones who got your through the toughest part of life, and you were grateful that in this moment you didnt have to fake a smile.

#bts #bts fanfic #bts smut #bts fluff #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook scenarios #jeon jungkook #jungkook #jungkook drabble

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catgirlbarbie · 6 months

Text

!!! icky daydream i had but imagine <3 distant cousin chigiri hyoma♡ you and he were childhood best friends until he moved away, only for him to come back to your hometown years later, much older and different looking <3 you wouldnt with your cousin, right?

[notes/cw: none besides the obvious stepcest :3 ]

˗ˏˋ♡´ˎ˗ Your mother and his were sisters in law, having not met until quite a few years ago, however their friendship would show them to seem closer, as though theyve been sisters growing up together since children. since theyer so close, they spend time together more often than not, and so you spend time with your cousin more often than not...

˗ˏˋ♡´ˎ˗ You and Chigiri Hyoma have been friends since you were toddlers. you and he were conjoined at the hips, running up and down the streets you two lived on, playing football and always losing to him. his speed and quick wit on the field was something you could never live up to, not that you wanted to live up to him, simply that you wished he went easier on you. losing wasnt something you enjoyed, but seeing the overwhelming happiness and excitement on chigiris face was always worth the losses.

the two of you grew up together, were close cousins and best friends, you did everything with him. so, at the age of 11, when Chigiri and his family had to leave for Japan, you wished him good luck with tears streaming down your face, struggling not to sob in front of him and your family. the two of you hugged, swore you would keep in touch, and finally left each others side.

you wanted to keep in touch, you really did, but weeks turned to months, and suddenly it had been a year since you last contacted your beloved favorite cousin. chigiri didnt leave your mind, however other things began to take your interest more, you filled the gap he left with friends and hobbies, leaving football behind for dancing and art classes. highschool came and went, you were growing and moving on with your life, only occasionally thinking about how chigiri must be doing all the way across the world.

˗ˏˋ♡´ˎ˗ You were 22 when you got the news. it had stopped your heart when your mother told you, you simply couldnt believe it, was he really coming back? your mother had gotten the news that morning, receiving a call from her sister in law that their family was coming back to your home for a visit. you hadnt been given any other information, and so you waited for him.

it was only a few days later, you were still waiting, and after a long walk back home all you wanted to do was shower and possibly nap. that was your plan until you saw the unknown cars parked in your driveway, and you knew what that meant. finally, chigiri was home. your previous lethargy was forgotten and replaced with excitement as you walked into your home, the door feeling as if it was opening in slow motion, and you stepped through the passageway. picking up on the voices in the kitchen, you recognized some and two others sounded vaguely familiar. you creeped in, stepping into the kitchen to greet your family and finally, say hi to chigiri again.

˗ˏˋ♡´ˎ˗ "hey y/n, its been a while," that was chigiris voice, but it didnt sound like it. you noted so many differences in his appearance; he was taller now, slim and toned in all the right places, and that thought catches you off guard. its hard to stop however, you notice his eyes and hair the most, how beautiful he looks under the direct lighting. you think about how soft his hair must be, how nice his legs must look, how deep his voice has gotten, and you force yourself to look away from his eyes, lest you find yourself lost in those as well.

chigiri and his mother stayed for dinner, and you excused yourself from the table as soon as you were done. he had been staring at you the whole time, even asking you if you had a partner yet, and you couldnt stop the flush on your cheeks if you tried. you had been so excited to chat with him again, making up for lost time, so why were you so nervous? you couldnt understand why it was hard to talk around him, why his stare made you burn alive. it was all too complicated, and so you escape to your room.

its only an hour later when you receive a knock on your door, yelling at the other person to come in. you see pink hair slide through into your room, and you mentally prepare yourself. your cousin sighs, "why are you avoiding me? i thought... were you not excited to see me again?", he says this with a defeated chuckle. you look at him, his eyes look sad and he has a noticeable frown, and you want to just cry; why does he still look so beautiful? you shift your legs over the side of your bed, standing to make your way towards him. wordlessly, you give him the hug youve been craving for days, full of heart and longing, a rough squeeze that tells chigiri just how much you missed him too.

a kiss to your forehead and his hand rubbing down your back shifts you, makes you gasp, and your cousin holds you tighter against him. he pleads with you, "dont go, its been to long." you dont disagree with him, allowing him to hold you longer. the hug you share is warm, you can feel his body against yours and you cant help but make and mental note. you feel his chest rising and falling after each breath, its sturdy and strong. you feel his hair against your face, soft and feather light. you feel his hands on your waist, theyer solid and secure around you. his breath in your ear is the worst though, his deep heavy breathing being the only sound you hear, and quite frankly your not sure why hes breathing so heavily.

˗ˏˋ♡´ˎ˗ you pull back away from him, just enough to see his face, and you cant help the flush of pink that overtakes you. chigiris eyes look darker and your so close to him, his breath fans across your face as you take him in. "you okay dude?", you ask. at that, chigiri puffs out a laugh, "im.. im perfect." you note the look in his eyes, the smile he sports, as if hes innocent. you know that to be a lie, with the way your cousin turns you both around, pushing you up against the nearest wall, caging you against the wooden surface with just his body.

you stared at each other, too scared to kiss but not scared enough. chigiri leans in, his forehead resting against yours, your noses touching. you latch your hands into his hair, curling the strands of pink through your fingers, and you hear your cousin softly sigh with what sounds like relief, or perhaps contentment. you lean in, finally having had enough of all the tiptoe-ing, and push your lips against his. chigiris lips are softer than you expected, they feel perfectly molded against yours, and you dont stop him from forcing himself closer to you, as though he was trying to crawl in your very skin. his touch on your waist grew tighter, his hands slipping underneath your shirt to grab at your naked skin.

you could feel his tongue invade your mouth, finding yours to tease and suck upon, his touch on your waist increasing tenfold as he finds your braless tits, kneading the fat and pushing and pulling on your nipples. your cousin grew more ruthless as the seconds passed, pushing you harder into the wall, squeezing your chest to make you squeal and squeak, leaving behind lovebites on your neck for all to see. you moan his name by accident when his leg finds your clothed cunt, pushing his thigh against your sensitive mound, and you simply cant stop yourself from pushing your hips down against him, his hard and toned thigh feeling like heaven against your thumping clit.

[sorry for not finishing this !! i dont have any more eloquently enough thoughts for this, so i hope yall like this nanyways <33]

#bllk x reader #bllk smut #chigiri x reader #chigiri smut #tw stepcest

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trainingdummyrabbit · 1 month

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which character ya wanna post about? (invitation to go off)

ouuHGUHUGHHG ive been rotating this around for hours bc ive redirected myself like 5 times since u sent it but ithink i got it i got it this time. i wanna talk abt porccubus. ok gimme a minute gimme a minute

so like. i know theyre technically the same thing, across lobcorp/ruina, but i really really wanna dissect the weird contrast it has going on there. (though, isuppose, their "same"ness is kinda up in the air re:abnos, considering there was a librarian snippet abt child of the galaxy being more "vicious", but wwwwwweh [waves hands around])

so like. the thing about lobcorp porccubus is that its just. an odd fucking creature. like yeah obviously, but its about the way its perception seems to weave around it. its core themes, that of pleasure and euphoria, uncontainable and uncontrollable, would imply that its something impulsive, stimulation-seeking, something that is driven wholly by desire and would be difficult to pin down. however, the way that its logs and flavor text are written give off a much more... subdued vibe, for lack of better words to describe it.

it is the source of that elation, yes, but everything in the way it holds itself is so withdrawn. it simply floats there, yes, but there is little to no mention of it making any moves of its own (which, now that i recheck its info log, is also mentioned plaintext!) and its in-work flavor text seems to speak with the tone of someone Studying it, Speaking about it, rather than observations of its movements or descriptions of its mindset. its all very distant. speaking in third person to someone who is listening. ...right?

which is to say: whats wrong with this dog. its story implies direct exploitation yet it just… it Just. its some strange little animal. its not malevolent and trying to kill people for fun. but it also isnt all sad like petals plucked from a daisy. it just Is. it has almost the same sort of feel as some sort of object. and yet it is clearly alive. does it have a will? it must; as abnormalities Do. so what is it? it functions by its own rules and just kinda Goes Here. does it want? does it need?

porccubus itself acts more like a Service or Trade than an actual creature. you walk in and interact with it, and it knows what to do in response. game of trust - it does a little song and dance as is its nature, yet doesnt seem to desire much more.

which also brings me to the shackle-- the little necklace around its neck. it speaks about how it was chained up, for whatever reason, and yet nobody seems to have any idea why. and porccubus... just doesnt seem to mind it. never mentions it. its such a particular type of indifference. (i suppose another good question is what is it shackled to?) and even further still... what does it mean that the ego gift it grants Is that necklace?

lc!porccubus as a creature is laced with restraint. both in a literal sense, And in an internal sense. pleasure and euphoria, yet it is definitively restrained. it cannot reach out first. it does not act on its own, but rather waits for something else to reach out First. even when it breaches, it (according to what im reading,) simply... waits. waits for an approach. (you Must approach it. it has to be a Choice.) theres something very Aimless about it, mechanical almost. i cant really sum it up in any way other than That Is An Animal.

...which brings a very interesting contrast between It and its Ruina counterpart. in the library, its much more Jubilant. it speaks, for one, which is something i straight up didnt know it did for a while. the way that it presents itself outwardly is much more outspoken-- inviting, wanting someone to engage, trying to persuade that first step. it yearns! pet it! it wants to share what it has to give, but it still wants that hand of yours offered to it First. its happy! its happy! come be happy with it!! dance with it, play with it! its demeanor is so much more forward, more present... more conscious.

and crucially... that shackle is no longer tied about its neck. rather, it dangles loose from the end of its tail, almost like an accessory rather than something granted/given to it. does this represent the release of former ties? it certainly acts more free than it did before-- whatever was holding it back, is it gone now? is its shift in demeanor the jubilant frolicking of that which has never been able to soar? is this what allows its nature of wishing to share that elation to shine through? much like a dog chained to a stake, finally being set loose in an open field.

in an unspoken turn of events, porccubus seems to focus on Release. release of ties, release of inhibitions, release of that which had been holding you back. it wants nothing more than to give what it is experiencing to those which are weighed down by things that keep them unhappy. and yet, it does nothing to truly alleviate what those woes are, simply covering them up with a layer of unrelenting sweetness.

..............which of course, brings me to angela. yeah yall thought i could go an essay without her?? lol. lmao.

on the floor realization centered around her staunch desire to live, it almost seems to stick out like a sore thumb. with all of the withdrawn mourning and wishing that the rest of the phases share, pleasure is an odd slap in the face, almost. but... it really does make it hit that much harder-- Especially with that which was expanded upon above. the imagery of unshackling yourself from that which held you down, allowing yourself to feel things you never were able to-- never were Allowed to. is that not what she stands for, here?

its reaching towards an open door, trying to grasp to any amount of Living that you can reach-- you deserve that much, at least. at the Very least. you Have to be allowed something. but not only is it that desire, but its also the Ignorance. the understanding that no matter what you mask it with, all that baggage still remains. chasing those short, intense bursts of happiness-- everything else still continues to eat away at what's underneath. and yet, theres still a consciousness to that. even further than that, a commitment.

who cares what becomes of you because of this? this happiness-- this which you were never allowed to so much as dream of-- is right within your grasp. and to taste it for even the smallest of moments, the briefest amount of time-- that makes it worth it. it was all worth it. nothing matters more than this complete devotion to sensation. it doesnt matter if it tears you apart from the inside, this is what you were always looking for. this is what you deserve. and youll do anything to hold onto it.

in some odd way, it really is about rotting.

in conclusion,

#THANKYOUUUU um um um. this ended up longer than i thought itd b and im not sure if its coherent but i think abt it all the time godbles #ispent like an hour typing in circles yesterday but i GOT it. igot it. i gotit.#piktalk #projmoon #long post #...speaking of its ties to the art floors themes... its one that kinda hit harder th more i teased out abt it.#bc that Is very real. that almost paradoxical lashing out in that way; desiring even if it kills you; even if thats what you wanted t avoid #its the want to reclaim the self through any means necessary. its discordant. it almost seems helpful. but...#...anyway i just think its funny is all ^w^ funy silly lil thang !

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sigmabateman · 9 months

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thank you so much @velvetcrowbar444 for tagging me to talk about 5 things im obsessed with at the moment!!

this got longer than i anticipated so im putting it under the cut, but for simplicity's sake i'll tag people up here: @nights-decay, @boycentriccplot, @flaming-tsunami, @sourgelatin no pressure though of course!

persona 5... ok i have to be honest ive been really reluctant to talk about this on here and its why ive been quiet the past at least week or so. no idea why. i guess cause its so different from the stuff i usually post about that i feel like, embarrassed? but i started playing persona 5 royal around may and really liked it but i didnt have the time to properly get into it until now and it has completely taken over my life entirely without me even realising. to be honest i could obsess over like a rock on the ground if i saw it at the right time in my life but hands down persona 5 is one the best if not the best game ive ever played in my life. the story is engaging, the characters are distinctive and realistic and i really really care about all of them, the gameplay is so much fun and combat is buttery fucking smooth like nothing ive ever played before, the music is top tier and what got me interested in the game in the first place, and the ART DIRECTION. it speaks for itself to be honest ESPECIALLY compared to the older games. i was shocked starting persona 4 because of how different it is to persona 5 like, persona 5 has SUCH a distinct visual identity as well as tone, themes, imagery etc it is all just so stunning and perfect and i want to live in it. but i think about it so often like literally 24/7 that i may as well be. i <3 persona 5 and i <3 YUSUKE KITAGAWA. he's definitely my favourite character and he came out of NOWHERE but hes actually everything in the world to me. one of the characters ever.

persona 4 is it a copout to say that? i did try and condense both games into one bullet point but 1. they're such a mainstay in my life right now i was struggling to think of more points and 2. it kind of lost its precision and didn't effectively convey just how personapilled i am right now. i originally wasn't gonna play 4, all i knew is that it was more difficult and less good so i thought i should stay away. but if you go anywhere persona-related on the internet (which i would warn against, the fandom is a fucking cesspit the likes of which i havent seen in a long time as an obscure-shit-enjoyer) you'll quickly run into adachi. and as a lover of men with high-pitched voices and sexypedia entries... i couldn't stay away. before even starting the game i had made a d6 and d20 with different adachis on each face so really it was just a matter of time. and you know what... it's not that bad. the graphics were a SHOCKING step down but i find the low(er) poly style really charming. the adachi model is too cute T_T whenever i see it in the game world i just wanna sit with it for ages. i wonder if i could get it like 3d printed so i could keep him on my desk with me at all times... its bad for me ! the combat is fucking clunky espeically compared to 5 and i kind of hate it but that just makes it more rewarding when i can finally stop LOL. some of the characters (especially the main few (yosuke, chie, yukiko)) took a bit to grow on me but its kind of sweet.. its like authentic.. our relationship is growing as i get to know them better... but dojima and nanako ive loved since i first set eyes on them. too cute. it makes me feel so fatherless. its like.. a lot more magnetic than i expected it to be. i love it even with all its flaws. i saw a meme about it being like twin peaks and thats kind of so real. and you know i love a murder mystery... so yeah tldr i like persona now. but its hard to talk about it on here because it is such a big fandom but not like an active one like spiderman or like good omens or whatever slightly more normal people are watching so its kind of intimidating. maybe ill get over myself, maybe ill go silent for 3 months until i get into something new. we'll see i guess LOL

my gender identity TUMBLR MOMENT I KNOW but i dont know.. ive had a lot of time to myself recently and its kind of brought things to the surface that i just didnt have time or space to think about before. turns out there was a LOT OF STUFF i was repressing without even knowing. like that tweet 'im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc about that rn'. i posted on instagram "gender around cis people: boy, gender around trans people: girlboy, gender by myself: computer program" and that kind of sums it up i think. can i coin like.. complicatedgender. where your answer to the question "whats your gender?" is "it's complicated..." cause thats me. its just COMPLICATED okay!!!! but my pronouns havent changed or anything so its chilllllll

going to bed at a reasonable time. i phrased that like a joke answer but its true. i downloaded pokemon sleep and now i go to bed at 11:30pm cause at 11 i get a notification saying my pokemon are sleepy and shit i gotta take care of my pokemon!! i dont even know if its doing me any good to be honest like i dont feel much better when i wake up but making myself get into bed and shut my eyes means more thinking time and to be honest my favourite activity is thinking. even if as silly as it sounds i never give myself time to do it. its playing a weirdly big role in my life rn so yeah id say im obsessed with it!!!

this asmr video. im secretly always posting about asmr so really i could just say that, but like, ASMR | The Mortician (No Talking – You're Dead) specifically is such a mainstay i can feel its influence seeping into my life like an infection. this video would actually show up in my recommended for YEARS but i never watched it. gave me a major ick for some reason. but then i got into this guys stuff and saw it again and thought id give it a go and now its like an extra limb. fuck my 3rd bullet point, this is my gender identity. i could not articulate in words what it is about the mortician that i love so much, but i really really do. i am certifiably obsessed. cant believe i made it through this whole thing without mentioning alex. but there you are. yay this was fun :D

#tag game

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gendrie · 10 months

Text

tyrion vii

is it wrong that i think tyrion poisoning cers is funny?

lancel is so dumb and he was turned so easily. he was one of cersei's biggest mistakes

"knighthood is nothing" true

tyrions like. i feel bad about playing the game but im gonna play it! he reflects - accurately imo - on why ned and jon both fell before him too.

"it is not what we do, so much as why we do it" hmm

tyrion is preoccupied with being "faithful" to shae. mess.

at least alayaya gets to take a nap

not tyrion hiring ugly gay guards

"concubine" ok............

well, he's in love

arya vii

arya is officially in her cinderella era

everyone: oohh the castle is haunted. / arya: its the wind dumbasses

she even notes the direction that causes it and that its going thru the cracks in the stone where they broke from fire. observant af

"it was the living men she feared"

arya is already concerned that she will "forget" those on her list. which i think speaks to how she feels responsible to right the wrongs she’s witnessing while imprisoned. its such a heavy burden for her to carry tho

harrenhal’s stable can hold 1000 horses and its great hall has 30+ hearths. everything is built to an "inhuman scale" so cool

the cooks spit in harys swyft's food lmao

beric's resurrections are well known already

arya is one of the few povs? to be familiar with the dothraki before even stepping foot in essos

the show robbed us of zebras!

swyft’s squire got stabbed to death. nonstop Ls for this guy

“i'll kiss her and beg her pardons like a proper lady, she'll like that.” so sweet but it does bug me that theres absolutely nothing on sansa’s end to compare with this.

alright we got 3 dozen northern captives in the house: freys, manderly, karstark, cerwyn

she thinks lord cerwyn would be "honor bound to help her" baby not every northern lord is like your dad

she also thinks about ned saying sellswords will betray anyone for enough gold. not untrue and good to keep in mind. she thinks a lot about ned’s lessons in this chapter.

and lord cerwyn is dead. arya remembers she cant rely on anyone for help

wolf dream!

"i was always a girl" this line serves as meta commentary bc despite a certain level of non conformity and temporarily concealing her gender arya's arc is still defined by the experience of being female and furthermore-

i really think arya is going to end up in a similar situation in braavos with arya stealing from *the many faced god (*you can tell the FM were not that developed here with the red god reference)

chiswyck's story is truly one of the most disgusting things ive read in asoiaf......arya would be justified in ripping out these guys throats with her teeth

she refuses to talk to the soldiers and gets beaten bc of it

they didnt just rape a child but killed her brother and tormented a whole family. how do you process and cope with that (and the fact that it goes unpunished!) when its happening right in front of you? it would be weird if arya WASN’T angry about it

and that night there was one less name to hate!!!!!!!!

catelyn iii

brienne, melisandre, and catelyn in the SAME scene???? showstopping!

catelyn got the worst job in westeros: playing mommy to a couple of manbabies

baratheon bros couldnt just tolerate each other huh

trying to think of one sibling reunion in asoiaf that hasnt ended poorly?

catelyn @ renly: you should pray.....that you grow a brain! renly decided to have gay sex instead. .

#asoiaf reread #ok i had too many thoughts on that arya one #but it was jam packed

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rimaurimau · 9 months

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the whole 1975 thing pisses me off. people cant seem to comprehend that this isnt some black and white situation where its just homophobia because its so much more than that. i couldnt care less if he jacked off on stage, the problem is that he did this in a country thats incredibly queerphobic and because of that is incredibly strict on what bands can play here and what they can and cant do/say. We malaysians don't get alot od international bands as is, so bands like this and the strokes coming here of all places in our shit hole country is huge. but him saying and doing all that did this:

- cancelled the entire event because our government caught wind of it and shut it down after the first night when it was supposed to go on for 3

- probably made the rules and restrictions for bands to play here even tighter

- made other bands hesitant to play here

- maybe even tightened up the laws on queer people here in general, even more worse than they already are

- possibly put a lot of queer malaysians in general in danger because if the pigs suddenly decided to investigate the event further and question the organisers or people who attended and those people happened to be queer and they found out? theyre going straight to jail because that's how queer people are treated here by our government

yeah there are a good chunk of people here angry purely because of homophobia, that fact isnt something that can be denied or glossed over. but the most important thing here is the queer people that are gonna be put in danger. we're already consistently used as a political scape goat. but now we've finally started to take baby steps in the right direction of progress after finally electing the first pm in our history thats leftist (when in reality he's centrist at best) and now with how matty healy behaved and what he said, our governments fear of queer people have been confirmed and we might be in even more hot water. they've already discussed about making being queer a mental illness and this might give them the push to confirm everything.

what he did did nothing but do bad. we didnt need some white guy to tell us how oppressed we are, how queer people are ridiculed discriminated and abused, trust me buddy, we've lived here all our lives, we know, we dont need any white saviour telling us this.

people will scoff at countries like Malaysia because of how queerphobic it is and simply throw any empathy and kindness out the window, but people seem to forget that this queerphobia exists for a reason. the queerphobia here exists because WE exist, because WE QUEER MALAYSIANS EXIST. it doesn't just exist just because, they're hateful of us because we are here, they're hell bent on getting rid of us because we are here.

I've seen some people say "then just don't get international bands" why? why dont we get to have the opportunity to see the bands we like? why dont we get to have fun? what makes so inherintly lesser that we dont get to indulge in stuff like this like people from other countries do? we already are barred from being openly queer, is it so much to ask that we just want to have a good time by seeing bands we love? do we not deserve that just because people think our government and the shit heads here represent our entire country, acting like theres absolutely no queer communities here constantly fighting for our right to exist? is that why people think so lowly of us?

queer malaysians are now in danger and our progress have been set back 50 steps thanks to matty healys "activism". I understand that he did it in good faith, but it just came off as entitled, privileged and selfish, especially with how he handled it after the fact.

if you're here to argue or insult me on this post, dont bother, im blocking you. im not wasting my time.

#queer #lgbt #malaysia #the 1975

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femmesandhoney · 1 month

Note

If it's not too intrusive can I ask how you deal w your pmdd ?

I dont have it but my PMS is fucking brutal I was depressed fucking felt like paralyzed in bed due to anxiety, didnt go to classes,then like a few days later i got my period and then everything made sense.

But i just cant like lose a week of my life like this every month. How do you deal with it?

i went on birth control for it but got off of it after a year bc i decided i disliked the effects of birth control, but that did help my symptoms tons and i wouldn't lie to anyone who wanted to go on it bc it did help me, i made a choice to get off of it unrelated to my pmdd.

managing symptoms can be difficult, often my first "response" is to recognize when my emotions are being affected by my pmdd. usually i can tell pretty quickly bc one day i'll walk up and everything makes me rage at the drop of a hat and then get very sad or agitated just as quick, my emotional regulation just being absolutely dogshit to concern anyone around me if they happen to be on the receiving end of my aggression or if they could jump inside my head and see how it was playing out. after so many years knowing i have pmdd, im able to recognize how a lot of that emotional instability isn't "me" and that im being affected by an "outside" force (oncoming period and hormones dropping). i usually do my best to stay mindful of my reactions then and try and do stuff that calms me down and gets my mind away from what had ruptured my emotional state. usually this occurs right in the morning when i get up, so its a fairly quick light bulb moment for me.

and im definitely used to like a shit ton of negative self talk that over the years ive gotten a better hand on, so when those real lows come around, im much better at talking myself out of those low states, but my pmdd doesn't manifest as strongly or too long with huge depressive states. usually, i just try to find other things to distract me when i feel that low, like chatting with friends, family, watching a movie, going on a walk, eating good food, no matter how small can help shift my mood to a more positive direction. when we're down, our brains are really good at thinking about other sad shit, bc our brain sucks like that, so getting ahead of that curve and trying to intentionally distract yourself with better things can generally help. but again, do not feel bad if that doesn't work for you, bc long depressive states aren't what i normally deal with and my advice is general here.

in terms of anxiety and similar emotions, i feel you deeply there. i manage that similar to how i manage any form of anxiety, which is just to do whatever it is that my anxiety thinks i cannot do, as thats the quickest way to rewrite that pathway in ur brain. it can seem very daunting, but it really does help and you can take baby steps all the while. and usually i end up feeling better after i go to whatever it was i was terrified to go to, which when we're feeling terrible af can sometimes make our day a bit better.

i would also say, sometimes i don't do anything during my pmdd time either bc it really does feel like shit even when ive tried combating it and being mindful of myself, some days really do just suck and i wanna lay in bed and hermit away. i don't think you should beat yourself up about that if some months that happens. its gonna happen again even after we have some successes, pmdd can be very unpredictable and sometimes our environment and our day to day lives just affect it even more and cause some months to be worse than others, and that doesn't mean you're lazy or not trying hard enough or anything like that.

#pmdd #i hope this somewhat can be helpful to you #my main things are pretty much mindfulness and distraction tbh #but exercise can be helpful (i never mean intense workout unless thats ur jam) bc going outside can be meditative for us when we really nee #to try and shift our mood to a more neutral place #I've also been managing my pmdd like this for a few yrs now so ive had a lot of practice at finding ways to deal w it that work for me #so don't feel bad if my methods don't help you either im positive you'll find ways even if that includes meds!

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stmichaelthearchangel · 5 months

Text

notes on chronic pain/grief

It hadnt noticed hed noticed yet. It was subtle.

Looking back on the day they first met, certain things were obvious, before it realized he wasn’t going to leave him alone. Like catching the realization gum was on the bottom of its boot and pausing to keep balance on a nearby tree, lifting its leg to take a look at the damage. It was in the way its weight shifted, the subtle grunt that could have been an acknowledgement or could have been pain. Maybe a mix of both.

It would wait. after standing, making a a quick movement. Anytime that it rested its hand on something solid or bolted to the ground. Its gait was that of a loose butterfly knife, swinging movements a guy could call grace or lack of practice or lack of strength. One wrong move and itd hurt itself, someone around it, or collapse in on itsef. It was in the difference between its sobriety and when it was hopped-up.

This time, it was the way it paused, moving to take a pack of cigarettes from its pocket, leaning up against the nearby wall of an establishment, looking like it didnt know if it wanted to squat down, find a seat, or keep itself propped there, whatever would be the most convincing.

He nodded the Archangel’s way, and so as not to hurt its Ego, found a place to sit down and watch as it lit one and set it in its teeth, lighting it before sauntering over to the bench and taking a place beside him. The sun was bright out, even wearing sunglasses, and the heat itched his collar where the suit rubbed against his neck.

The archangel’s fake breath sighed smoke out into the air, and he knew itd been enough time.

“If it hurts, why do you keep at it?”

The archangel drifted his hand down from its face. Then glanced his way. “What do you mean?”

“Your in pain. You have been since the first time I met you, at the least. Whatever it is that’s causing it-why do you keep at it.”

“Not sure what gave you that idea,” he took another smoking breath.

“Don’t play dumb with me, okay? I know something hurts.” Scott frowned.

It shifted its feet. “What gave it away?”

“I don’t know, the way you grunt when standing. It’s in how you avoid waking long distances. You flinch when you take steps sometimes too.”

“I can’t get it right,” it spoke quietly.

Staring ahead at the parking lot, if Michael wasn’t so tall, it would have blended in perfectly.

“Logically I can see you have two arms. You have ten fingers. Head, shoulder, knees, and toes. I know what the inside of one of you looks like. But when I fucking try to look like one of you, I just can’t get it right.”

“You could talk with some of the healers-“

“No,” it cut him off, then raised its cigarette to its mouth. “It’s not an issue with anatomy; it’s the execution.” It took in a breath, held in fake lungs, then exhaled.

“You could at least take a form that’s less painful.”

“When in Rome.” He shook it’s head.

“C’mon.”

“I won’t change. I chose this appearance, and I like it this way.”

Scott bounced his leg, looking up at the clouds. “Even though it hurts?”

“I can’t take the form of God.” It’s voice was biting. “You look to much like them.”

“Yet you continue to try?”

“Not because I intend it. I just want to be left alone.” Scott glanced at it, noting how it bounced its own leg. He stopped and it followed suit. Probably not even concious of what it was doing. “Wouldn’t you know it, a body that doesn’t look normal to you mortals gets a lot of attention.”

Scott nodded slowly, but Michael wasn’t paying him attention, extending the hand that held the burning cig, drawing Scott’s eyes to it.

“I know the name for every muscle, every tendon, each layer of skin. I’ve seen them exposed to air. And yet…” Scott fought nausea as the hand molded, bending a direction it wasn’t meant to. “It’s so fucking difficult for me to do what already comes natural to you.”

A group of people walked past, into the bar behind them, paying them no mind. Their conversation drew the angel’s attention as it quickly pulled the hand back to its face.

Scott ran a hand through his hair, taking the silence between them to think. Birds flew by, “Why not mimic an animal instead?”

“You are an animal,” it quipped.

“You know what I meant, surely.”

“Why would I want to present myself as something lesser.”

“You already think of humanity as lesser.”

Michael didn’t answer, going back to smoking.

“Why don’t you at least try to wear something more comfortable?”

“I have.”

“And?”

“Mortals hunted me, scared of whatever I was.”

“Oh.”

“I could have overpowered them, but my objective isn’t slaughter. I just want to be left fucking alone.”

Scott gazed directly at it, scrutinizing its expression, then reached for its free hand. It flinched back. “Please?” Hesitantly it let him place its palm over the back of his own, then traced them. “Here. We have five fingers. One wrist.”

Michael stared his way.

“Does this help?”

Michael carefully pulled its hand away, then looked forward.

“Michael?” It shook its head, then looked further away from him. “…Sorry. I should have asked. I’m not intending to be invasive, just trying to understand.”

“…Not that…” It muttered, leaning forward.

“Hm?”

“It’s nothing.” It pulled itself up to a stand, straining. “I’m going for a drink.”

He caught a glimse of its face as it stormed away, fleeting as a hummingbird in flight, ruddy and out of breath.

Scott quickly looked away, feeling heat rush to his own cheeks. Ah.

…

They went for a walk, some hours after the incident. Not too far, just to a nearby park. As they passed under streetlights flickering on and off from their daylight sensors under the falling sun, Michael spoke unprompted. “Luis did what you did. A long time ago.”

“Who’s Luis?”

Michael didn’t answer, at least not yet.

Scott hummed a ditty, then, “I’ve been wondering something. Not related to my job, more from my own curiosity. Why bars?”

Michael tilted its head back and forth in thought. “No reason in particular.”

“The other, why look this way? Not humanoid, I mean like. The hair, the jacket. Cowboy boots?”

“Why do you always wear a suit? Or bleach your hair?” it asked back. “I just like it.”

Scott nodded, taking a breath. Cars drifted past them, none having any idea of whom they were passing. Another thought crept into his head, “Who are you mimicking, Michael?”

It halted in its tracks, as he took a few steps past before catching himself, turning with the passing of a large truck, illuminating the angel frozen in its tracks. “No one in particular. The culture here.”

He shook his head, “I don’t think you are.”

“Your assumptions are incorrect, Agent Scott.”

He folded his arms, the suit cramping at his elbows and pulling tight at his shoulders, “Is it Luis?”

Another car passed, the angel just a deer in its path.

“Could you tell me who he is?”

Michael folded its arms—

“Stop it, Michael.”

It furrowed its eyebrows, “Excuse you, fucker?”

“Stop copying me. Folding your arms, bouncing your leg,” He unfolded his arms and the angel caught itself from following suit. “Who’s Luis, Michael? A bartender?”

“A rancher. He was a cattle rancher,” Michael spat back.

“And?”

“The first mortal that didn’t run from me,” Michael scowled, hands gripping tight to the jacket its arms pretzeled around. “Helped me make this appearance. Are you fucking satisfied?”

Scott closed his eyes holding a hand up, “That-in the 1800’s?” He opened his eyes again, and Michael nodded. “You’ve been wearing the same outfit since the 1800s?”

“No. Just the body and jacket. It was his.”

“The jacket or the body?”

Michael didn’t answer.

“Both?” He lowered his hand. Like a loose butterfly knife, it turned with a scowl and walked away. He followed after, “Michael?”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” it said bluntly, the deep octave punctuating its words.

“You brought Luis up, Michael.”

“I don’t want to talk about—Ah,” It gritted its teeth as it mis-stepped, quickly gipping at its knee.

“Michael…” Scott caught up, “Let’s stop here for a moment. I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not—shit,” Michael panted, the light behind its sunglasses going out as it closed its eyes. It bristled, tensing as he placed a hand on its shoulder. “Don’t touch me.”

“I see a bench ahead,” Scott attempted comfort as he let it be.

“No.” It lowered itself to a squat, holding its hands over its head. “It will pass. It will pass.”

Scott took a gentle seat next to it. “There’s no one else here but us, Michael. If you want to—”

“No. It’s not so simple,” it growled, clutching handfuls of golden strings of hair.

Scott inhaled, exhaled, “I’m not frightened of you.”

“No. I can’t— I can’t remember what he looked like. I can’t fucking—”

Scott released his tight grimace, face numbing.

The angel sobbed.

“I don’t even know if—” it choked, “if this is still what… what he looked like. What was the color of his eyes? Was his face crooked or symmetrical? I don’t—I don’t fucking know! It’s been so long; I’ve slipped up too many times. I don’t fucking know!!”

Staring ahead, eyes wide, he listened to ugly tears and hyperventilating. “Don’t you think he would be happy thought?” he whispered

“What?” Michael whipped its head up, light dripping down its face.

“You are showing more of yourself, right?” His voice was tentative, “Wouldn’t that be something to celebrate? Not mimicking, being yourself.”

Scowling, it looked down and hid its face in its arms, voice muffled, “You don’t know anything.”

… Scott watched cars pass at the nearby street, the lamps buzzing with insects above them. The way bats flickered in and out of vision from the darkness of the falling on them. Further away, the sound of a crowd cheering for a home game of varsity football. And past that the distant sounds of a living city.

He let the time pass, giving comforting phrases every now and again. The angel majorly ignored him, no longer sobbing, but stuck in place nonetheless. It must have cared a lot about the guy.

Finally, as the stadium lights in the distance succumed to the clear, starry night sky, and cars became less frequent, the angel muttered, barely audible. “He didn’t want me to leave, but I went back to heaven. Just for the blink of an eye, a quick breath. I needed to recouperate, be around innocence and grace again. Just for a moment to breath, to calm the pain. When I came back, he’d lived his whole life without me. He was old. Unrecognizable. He had great -grand children. I saw him die.”

Scott looked back at it. Staring ahead, holding itself, the jacket tighter.

“Do you know that feels like, Agent Scott?”

He whispered, “Both my great-grandfather and grandfather passed away in my lifetime. I imagine it’s a similar feeling.”

“I-I couldn’t recognize him. The time passed without me. I watched his children grow old and die. Their children leave to other places, grow old and die. I can’t keep track of them anymore, even if I wanted to. There’s nothing left of that time I spent but this fucking jacket. It all rots and decomposes and wastes.”

Shifting on the uncomfortable concrete sidewalk, Scott looked back at the insects flocking to buzzing lights. “Isn’t that what makes it meaningful?”

“If I could end it-all existence-I’d do it in a fucking heartbeat.”

“And yet.” Scott muttered. “Everything will get there eventually, God willing.”

“Fuck God.” Michael spat.

“You’re here now, Michael. Whether you like it or not, you’re alive.” Michael touched him and he jumped, heart pounding, jerking his head around to—

“Agent Scott. One day you will die.”

He nodded, fear tensing his muscles.

“You will die, and everyone you know will die; and one day I will forget what you looked like too.”

“I’ll be sure to let you have my suit jacket,” Scott stressed a joke. Michael scowled, letting go and curled back up. Heartrate skyrocketing, he dared ask, “Is that why you so adamantly don’t want to go back to heaven?” It didn’t answer. “Besides Luis, is there someone else then? Someone you’re not wanting the time to pass without you?”

“Everyone. Everything—Everyone.”

“And that’s your reason?”

“Because I’m scared. I’m a fucking coward scared of death. Okay? Are you happy now?” It sniffed.

He righted himself. “You… Michael, you are death.”

“I know,” it whispered back.

He swallowed the massive lump in his throat, ignored the blood rushing through his veins, and scooted closer, carefully taking Michael’s hand. It let him place its palm over the back of his. He forced a smile, lightly pressing his shoulder against its. “I’m sorry for snapping at you earlier. You can copy me. I understand you now.”

It curled deeper on itself.

“I’ll stay beside you for as long as I can. You’re not alone.”

“You don’t know anything,” it muttered again, shaking.

Taking a deep breath, looking up at the stars. “Would you rather I left you alone?”

“Yes.”

He gently brought its hand back to itself and made to stand, but it quickly grabbed the cloth around his arm—

“No. No.”

“Well. Which is it?”

“I don’t—I don’t know.”

He relaxed back in his seat, letting out a sigh. “Just let me know when you decide.”

…

They walked back to the bar in silence.