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444tsumu · 3 years

Note

HAPPY 100 MARS!!!/&/&: AHHH! okay so i’d love a tier three if you didn’t mind! i wanted to know which 3 characters would smoke ouid and what you think smoking with them would be like? ily tysm!

▭ WHICH CHARACTERS SMOKE WEED?

includes matsukawa, hanamaki, suna

warnings drug use, explicit content, doing things under the influence, implied sexual content, slight nsfw.

authors note lol ik some people don’t like the whole “w*ed” and dr*g use hc but it’s all fiction and based on my own personal opinion (: i don’t mean to offend anyone lol i smoke too <3

This is a long one, beware <3 also it’s also my dream blunt rotation LMAO

𖥻 MATSUKAWA, ISSEI !

definitely the philosophical stoner

always has a question or an answer

depends on how much he’s smoked though

eyes get really red and he looks really hot

prefers backwoods over regular papers

always smoked regular papers though bc woods are bad for you (:

does that thing where they lick the paper and look at you at the same time

the hottest man smoking ever god please

always makes sure to have you sitting on his left so that he passes it to you first

loves smoking people out

doesn’t really care if you put in money or not

if issei is around, everyone is getting high

smokes makki’s unemployed ass out like everyday lmao

loves to hotbox

lights you up for the first time and tries to get you into another galaxy

“if you’re gonna get high, at least do it right”

definitely funny as fuck when he’s high

always definitely ready to fuck

very touchy when he’s high

will hold on to you for a long time and forget he’s doing it

but if you make him let go he genuinely feels the skin contact nearly rip off

calm down mattsun your possessiveness is showing

tries to explain all the different types to you but forgets mid sentence

literally cannot formulate a single structured thought

definitely leans in to make out with you more than once

loves shotgunning with you

already lazy but when he’s zooted he’s UNBEARABLE

he really does wanna fuck but ends up smoking too much with you because you played chicago and forgot

doesn’t really get hungry for food but munchies?

ate all of the snacks

has no remorse for his actions either

stares into the deep nothing for like 10 minutes

just to snap out of it and look around suspiciously

“do you guys hear that….?”

“…..no?”

“………..the paint is screaming at me?”

ok buddy don’t ruin this for everyone else

knows how to french & ghost inhale

has argued with makki many times over the earth being flat

doesn’t really think it’s flat

ends up believing it is after makki told him the world was actually dome shaped

has a grinder shaped like a dragon ball

not a peer pressuring kinda guy but thinks everyone should get high at least once

definitely gets iwa and oikawa to try

loves getting oikawa high cause he thinks the guy is fucking hilarious

laughs at everything

just a great guy, especially when he starts smoking

falls into a weed coma and doesn’t wake up for like 3 days though

treats it like it’s a regular hangover

definitely falls asleep with his entire body on top of you and no remorse for the weight

says “i’m fried” and isn’t embarrassed about it for whatever reason

he’s hot so no one judges him

𖥻 HANAMAKI, TAKAHIRO !

definitely a comedian when he’s high

always the funniest guy in the room

when him and mattsun are together though?

undefeated

him and issei both smoked for the first time together

after that though?

they became unstoppable

don’t get me started with after volleyball season ended

prefers bongs because he thinks he looks cooler lmao

everyone assumes makki is high but they don’t know he actually gets high

offers to smoke you out cause you’re hot lmao

makes fun of you when you cough

even though he still coughs

hates hotboxing because he can’t handle it

but refuses to pussy out so he’s always the first one to agree

in his own words

“my mother didn’t raise no bitch”

makki please

ideal smoking partner

is one of those people that fuck the passing rotation up because he refuses to pass it to anyone but you

secretly does it because he doesn’t want anyone else’s lips touching yours

prefers to smoke with just his close friends but doesn’t mind a session

doesn’t like shotgunning cause he starts thinking his breath smells bad

gives in anyways because he doesn’t want you doing it with anyone else

loves when you put your legs on him

the pressure gives him chills

makes jokes 24/7 because he likes hearing you laugh

can’t french inhale but mattsun taught him how to ghost inhale and he hasn’t stopped since

takes videos of himself cause he thinks he looks cool

realizes he looks like a fucking idiot but fuck it we ball

falls into a weed coma with his head on your lap and his phone unlocked and still on

does that thing where he lights it up with it in his mouth and looks really fucking hot while doing so

has a breaking bad rick & morty rolling tray and is really proud of it

gets really into music when he’s high

will sing along to all the songs while he’s packing the bong

as i repeat

looks hot while doing so

definitely a hungry high

orders food before you even get to ask

“makki, want some snacks?”

“oh nah it’s cool, i already ordered mcdonald’s”

“????? we just finished smoking????”

prefers smoking over drinking but will do both when he wants to go big or go home

eyes get really low

talks kinda slow but really deep and it’s fucking hot

laughs by throwing his head back and it’s really cute

gets cold when he’s high

it doesn’t matter the season

he gets fucking cold and it makes no sense

so he’ll need your body heat to warm himself up (;

𖥻 SUNA, RINTAROU !

a confused high

no doubt about it

this man never knows what the fuck is going on

ik everyone complains about the stoner!suna hc

but i think it’s fucking hot lmao

always has like 2 blunts rolled and on him at all times

is one of those people that will use any excuse to do it

“……(sighs) i’m gonna go take a smoke break.”

“suna we just got here??”

“exactly”

likes joints and edibles the best

not much of a hungry high or munchie high

but he hyperfixates on a certain food and will eat it until there is nothing left

ate an entire pack of gum in one sitting before

definitely watches cartoons the minute he starts to feel the buzz

rarely talks unless to pass it to you or make a single joke that has you about to pee yourself

he doesn’t say much but when he does?

the man leaves an impact

hates smoking with other people

doesn’t like when they fuck his blunt/joint up

hates smoking joints rolled by other people unless he watches them do it

always complains when you ask to smoke with him but secretly loves it

shotguns with you and acts like nothing just happened

hello sir how dare you make me fall inlove like that

forgets everything so don’t try to say anything important to him

zones out because he’s too busy imagining fucking

but then forgets about fucking and starts thinking about what’s on the tv

can’t hold a conversation but will go in-depth as to why spongebob squarepants was more than just a sponge

“no you need to listen to me, patrick star is much more than just his best friend—”

“….rin what the fuck are you talking about?”

“you’re asking me like i know? pass the blunt.”

definitely got into smoking in high school but didn’t actually do it like that until college

lies on his drug tests lmao

smokes after every win as a celebration and smokes after ever loss as a reliever

lmao seek help sir

definitely tries to get you to take your shirt off when he’s in the moment

swears it’s because he’s doing you a favor but really just loves how you look in his clothes when he’s high

doesn’t really know when to stop because he’s never greened out before

all his supplies is a simple shade of black

he’s a simple man

can do all the smoke tricks

but won’t do it in front of anyone cause he hates when people point it out

likes hotboxing because it gets him higher faster

is actually friends with the guy he gets weed from lmao

his perfect date with you was that one time you guys stood home and did nothing but smoke and watch family guy

tears up every time he thinks about it

has a picture of himself with two blunts in his mouth and his eyes really red and it’s really fucking hot

giggles even though he tries not to

uses pens when he can’t physically have weed on him

doesn��t really like it because the pen high makes him knock out after a few pulls

once rin falls into a weed coma???

don’t even think about trying to contact him cause that man might as well be dead

doesn’t wake up to save his own damn life

you can smack him and the most he’d do is probably groan and turn his head lmao

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talkfastromance4 · 4 years

Text

Lost Without You-- Calum Hood oneshot

Copyright talkfastromance4 © All works is intellectual property of the author. All rights reserved. Any redistribution or reproduction or any part or all contents in any form is prohibited. You may not, without written expression and consent from the author, distribute works amongst other social media platforms

A/N: based off of Fly By Midnight’s new song Lost Without You. Give it a listen as some of the lyrics are incorporated in the piece!

Warnings: angst, moody and broody

Word count: 2,577

donate to my ko-fi here :)

Masterlist

Enjoy! :)

• • • •

Calum is a man of deception; the Houdini of keeping his six-year relationship hidden from the media sharks’ eyes. He’s the mastermind of averting their invasive questions of why he hasn’t found a special someone yet, what’s the hold-up, to the attention of this awesome bass riff he’s been working on. It’s not that he was ashamed of you or your love, he wanted at least one part of his life to stay private.

Part of his deception is keeping his lips sealed. He’s perfected the silent-yet-observant role of the band, only speaking when he deems it necessary and if it’s related to the band, Duke, or their music while simultaneously he was having a full conversation with you on his phone about how all the planets share the same sun.

For six years, your relationship worked amazingly well. He adored your compassion for his dream, always referring to you as his biggest fan which always made you laugh. It’s been six years of late-night calls, paragraphs shared of how much you meant to each other filled with promises of the adventures you’d have when you’re reunited again. It’s been endless voice notes of a new song he wrote, memories upon memories printed on polaroid’s and saved in a lot of albums on your phone.

For six years it worked until it didn’t.

Complacency became very apparent and the feeling of being stuck in one place crept up your neck and whispered in your ear while your friends were getting engaged left and right. While out and about you felt jealous of other couples who could freely kiss one another. Seeing the guys and their girlfriends cuddle while you were all out dinner left a burning hole in your heart while Calum was three seats away.

For six years it did work, but the comfortable bubble you were in for so long suddenly became uncomfortable and claustrophobic. It was a long break up that left you both teary eyed, your makeup cleaned off from the salt in your tears, and your voices hoarse from talking. You tried talking it through, but the only solution seemed to be taking a break.

A break from your best friend of six years, a break from a love so genuine.

It’s been six months since that miserable night where half his heart was taken and Calum doesn’t want to be by himself these days, he doesn’t want to think of himself this way without you. But he has been thinking about it, every second, every day. He’s been thinking of you constantly.

And you’ve been thinking of him too. Recently you’ve been seeing a new guy, someone from the gym you go to who has shown interest multiple times. He’s the opposite of Calum, so you thought you’d give it a try. Something different, something new.

“Why’d you decide to give me a chance now? I’m glad you did, don’t get me wrong, but I’m curious,” Matt asks while you’re out for coffee.

“I haven’t been alone since I was eighteen,” you confess. You felt a release as you finally opened about your relationship with Calum, leaving his name anonymous so Matt wouldn’t blab to the press you were dating a member of 5 Seconds of Summer.

Your heart burst open of your whole relationship, six years of memories, love, a friendship set on fire, finally released into the open.

“Then why did it end?” Matt asks while he walked you up to your door. You hadn’t realized you talked about your relationship for the whole date, how pathetic is that?

Instead of answering him, you pulled him in for a kiss that traveled to your bedroom. Opening up about Calum opened your sadness of the breakup as well. The whole time you were with Matt, you compared him to Calum in your mind. His fingers were clumsy while Calum’s were sure and precise, years and years of bass playing under his belt did wonders. His hair was thin between your fingers while Calum’s was thick and fluffy. Matt’s movements were jerky while Calum’s were fluid as water.

When it was over, you rolled over to gaze out the window, tears brimming your eyes because for the first time in six months, you felt lost without Calum. There’s another body where he used to be, and you can’t stand the thought. Thoughts of Calum left you awake until Matt kissed you goodbye and left.

Calum’s over at Michael’s, he’s on his fifth white claw and he feels the alcoholic bubbles taking effect. In his impaired state, he pulls out his phone and scrolls to your text conversation, six years’ worth of conversation still held in his phone’s memory.

Him: I miss you when it hurts

Knowing you won’t reply but hoping that you do, he stumbles to the hammock. With one foot on the earth he sways from side to side staring at the stars through the trees. He’s wondering if all those stars have been in the sky since your relationship started when his phone does the two-toned ding reserved only for you.

Excited and nervous all at once, he almost falls out of the hammock reaching for his phone that falls between the netting of the hammock. Cursing under his breath he stretches until his fingers grab hold of the device, the light of the screen illuminates his face.

Her: I’m sleeping in your shirts

His heart skips a beat, his mouth goes dry just imagining you in his shirts. He hasn’t seen his sensation shirt in two years because you stole it and claimed it yours. Every couple months he’d get it back so that it would end up smelling like him and you’d steal it all over again. He loved seeing you walk around your place in nothing but his shirts, he loved the way your ass peeked out from the hem.

Him: but seeing you would make it worse

He impatiently waits while your gray bubbles pulsate on his screen. Then they stop and then your pretty face is on his screen followed by your ringtone. Surprised, he nearly drops his phone again before answering.

“Hello?” he asks breathlessly.

“Can we still talk on the phone sometimes?” you ask.

Calum falls out of the hammock this time because he hasn’t heard your voice in so long. Six years he’s been hearing your voice in his head, on his phone, in his ear while you whisper dirty things. Six months without your voice has been hell and hearing it now, it’s like he’s at the gates of heaven.

“Of course, we can,” he finally responds climbing back into the hammock. He licks his lips. “How are you? Are you okay?”

“Yeah…I’m okay,” you respond softly. He knows every nuance of your voice; he can tell you’re telling him the half-truth. “Are you okay?”

“I’m better now.”

Over the next several weeks, you’ve been talking on the phone more frequently. You’re still seeing Matt every now and then, just to give you something to do and hopefully not think of Calum. That’s damn near impossible.

You’re on the phone with Calum while you’re sitting out on your balcony watching the sun go down. Both of you haven’t said a word in about five minutes, but hearing his breathing makes it feel like he’s right there with you. The two of you always had comfortable silences of enjoying each other’s presence.

“Can we be the exes that still stay friends?” he asks.

Your feet slam to the floor that were perched on the railing at his question. It filled you with butterflies.

“I’d like that, Calum. I’ve missed my best friend,” you admit shyly.

“He’s missed you, too.”

Matt spent the night and after your morning coffee, you laid on the floor staring at your ceiling fan as it rotates. The cool air blows on your skin and it reminds you of all the times you and Calum would lay on the floor or the grass, heads next to each other, as you talked about random things. Matt found you like that and asked what you were doing.

“Come lay with me, let’s talk,” you say reaching for his hand.

You feel his hesitancy as he lays next to you.

“What do we talk about?” he mumbles in confusion.

“Anything. Don’t you think it’s weird that Mars has the same sun we do?”

“No,” he snorts.

Suddenly, your door opens and with a rush of panic you sit up expecting to see Calum thinking that it’s him. Part of you wants him to see Matt and the other part of you wishes Matt weren’t in the picture at all. Crestfallen, it’s one of Matt’s friends who came by to pick up a video game he had. Matt leaves you on the floor and you send a text to Calum asking him about Mars and the sun.

He replies quickly with how that fact still blows his mind and you smile.

Ten months have gone by and Calum is pacing back and forth in his kitchen. Duke is following his motions, tongue lolling out and panting while the rest of the band follow the dad and dog duo. You’re coming over for the first time. For the first time since the breakup he’s going to see you and it has his stomach reeling.

“Why are you freaking out so much?” Michael asks.

“Because, it’s been so long! It could either go really well or end horribly,” Calum huffs continuing to move back and forth.

“Will you stop pacing?” Ashton demands, “you’re making me dizzy. It won’t end horribly. You’re already broken up.”

That stops Calum instantly. He glares at his best friend for his blunt remark, Michael and Luke share the same look.

“What?! I’m not wrong! What could be worse than that?”

“We’ve only started being friends again…she could decide she doesn’t even want that,” Calum sighs leaning against the counter. Duke sits at his feet.

“You’ve been friends for six years…yeah, you were also a couple, but I don’t understand how you can just stop being friends with that much history,” Ashton shrugs.

“Yeah, you don’t understand,” Calum shakes his head. Only you and he know where your relationship stands. He’d give you the moon if he could, lasso it and all that like from that movie you love so much.

The doorbell rings and Calum stands up stick straight, he breaks into a cold sweat. Michael offers to get it and when he returns, it’s only Andy and Sarah. At every doorbell Calum waits for you to walk through his door again but is met with disappointment when it’s another party guest.

Feeling defeated he collapses onto the couch, swiping through apps on his phone while the party blurs around him. Duke hops up and lays in his lap.

“Hey guys. Where’s Calum?”

Upon hearing your voice, Calum and Duke both perk up with Duke bounding off his lap and running to wherever your voice came from. Calum stands slowly, hearing your sweet words to Duke as he rounds the corner. Seeing you after all this time is like he can finally breathe again. You’re giving Duke kisses and Calum notices that your hair is different, the new cut and style takes him by surprise but you’re beautiful as ever.

Then your eyes lift to his and he swears he felt the planets align within him. When you smile it’s like he’s seeing the sun for the first time.

“Hey, you made it,” he says gruffly then mentally slaps himself. He should have said something cooler, more riveting but you smile all the same and stand up.

“Hi. Yeah, I did. I wouldn’t miss it.”

After grabbing you a drink he ushers you to a quiet corner where he awkwardly asks for a hug. You share a timid embrace, but it still feels like home. He wants to hold you forever but reluctantly lets go so you can catch up some more.

For the whole night you stay in that spot, unless he left to refresh your drinks, or you grabbed a snack that you shared on the same plate. As the last people left, you and Calum were left alone on the couch, the lights dimmed, and the music changed to something more chill.

“I thought you would’ve brought Matt with you,” Calum says. The other guy’s name leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and his next sentence tastes like bile. “I want to meet him.”

“I thought about it,” you sigh leaning your head against the couch. Your head presses against Calum’s arm that’s slung over the back and he sucks in a breath at the contact. “But it’s not working with him.”

“No? Why’s that?” he tries to sound polite.

You stare at him for a long time, taking in his dark eyes, the slight curl at the ends of his hair, his tattoos peeking from his shirt and the three moles you’ve always loved to kiss.

“I’m lost without you,” you confess.

He stares back for a beat.

“You’re lost without me?”

“These ten months have been so hard. I think about you all the time, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to come over and beg for you to take me back. But I hurt you. I know I did. I hated that night we broke up; it was one of the worst nights of my life. But why would you want me back after I threw in the towel because I was feeling affection deprived? That’s not fair. And then when you texted me…I felt so happy. This whole thing was stupid, and I understand if you don’t want—”

Calum silences you by pressing his lips to yours. You kiss back eagerly, welcoming the comfort of his soft lips against your own, your fingers immediately flying into his hair. His own hand cups your face, you melt at the warmth of his skin and a chill runs through you when his tongue slips between your lips. The world stops, the music drifts away as you kiss your best friend, your soulmate after so many days apart.

The kiss leaves you both breathless and gasping for air as you break apart, but you don’t move far, his forehead rests on yours. You caress the back of his neck while his thumb caresses your cheek.

“I’ve been lost without you, too, cupcake,” he mumbles and your heart rushes at his nickname for you. “I was nervous as shit before you came, I didn’t think you were going to.”

“I almost didn’t come,” you chuckle, “I kept imagining I’d see you with some new girl hanging off you.”

“The only girl I need is you.”

You’re kissing him again, then ask on his lips, “Maybe we should--?”

“Baby, we should start again,” he finishes for you. “We’re both different now. We’ll be different, we’ll…we won’t hide this time. You’ve been a part of my life for so long, you held my childhood that I didn’t want to let go of yet.”

“It’s not letting go, it’s moving forward,” you trace his eyebrows then poke each one of his small moles that you love because they’re like stars.

“Move forward with me?” he asks, nudging his nose against yours kissing you again. You nod against him as he pushes you onto the couch. Your love lost was found again.

• • • •

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monty-whatshisname · 3 years

Text

*Untitled Story*

Chapter 1

***

“Hey, John.”

“Hello, Brody.” The newcomer stood in the direct middle of the hall, staring down his nose at me with an elegant expression. “Why did you stay behind yesterday?”

“Detention,” I shrugged, gingerly attempting to pass on his right. “It happens sometimes.”

He lifted an arm to block me. I froze as the cuff of his pristine white shirt brushed against my chest “Ah. So where are you going now?”

“To class?” I tried to swallow, but every muscle was burning. I felt like if I moved another inch, I'd regret everything. John was a newcomer to my school. He'd only been here a few weeks, but had already gained the admiration of practically everyone he locked eyes with. “I’m not interested in joining your little fanclub, sir.”

Dunno where the “sir” came from, but apparently it was the wrong move. I refused to look at his face, but his arm visibly tensed, fingers twitching and regaining composure in the span of a blink. “What?” His voice, usually so vanilla, had suddenly spiked. He cleared his throat and tried again “What on earth are you talking about?”

“You’re not normal,” I muttered, grabbing his arm to push past to my classroom.

He got his fingers laced backwards around my hand, catching me as I passed “What was that, Brody?”

“Nothing.”

“No, really,” he rotated under his arm so his face was barely inches away from mine “You can tell me. I’m not insulted easily.” His breath smelled like an abandoned candle store: sweet, smooth…tinged with must.

I bit my lip and dared a glance up into his eyes. Oh, mercy, they were so fake. Like little marbles sitting where his eyes should've been. “I…I said you’re…you’re not normal!”

“Eh?” John’s voice croaked in surprise, his eyes lighting up with a brief spark of realism. I'd caught him completely off guard.

There was silence for a moment. The hall was empty, the final bell already rung. The only noise was the murmur of teachers behind classroom doors, as if the two of us had slipped into a crack of frozen time and space.

John's marble-eyes held steady contact with mine as he pulled away. “Wh-where on earth did you get such a silly notion…” he mumbled. He turned away and started walking, attempting to shield his rapidly darkening expression “Who’s protecting you…?”

“Me!” Emboldened by the fact I'd finally touched a nerve, I stepped after him “What alien is controlling you?”

“No one's 'controlling' me.” John walked a little faster, his answer surprisingly blunt. “Isn’t your classroom the other way?”

“We go to the same class, pal,” I have longer legs than he does.

He started half-jogging “Leave me alone, then.”

“Not gonna.”

This is stupid, my brain was saying. But I was too hungy to stop now. Two weeks of nothing but trying to subtly rope me into his growing gaggle of "friends", and now he couldn’t even stand up to a little odd comment.

“What are you hiding~?” I singsonged, skipping next to him as he tried to go faster.

I saw his eyes flash, with what emotion, I couldn’t tell, and he broke into a dead run. His perfectly shined shoes made a pinging noise against the hall floor with every step, becoming successively more deliberate with every stride.

I finally had to break into a trot behind him, still tailing him enough to brush the back of his sweater. “Dude-huff-you running only makes this worse!” How long was this hallway? “You look-puff-really guilty right now~!”

His feet hit the floor simultaneously and he sprinted, flinging his book bag into a row of lockers with an echoing crash. We barely heard the shout of an exasperated teacher telling us to slow down. Nothing mattered now. Reality was an insignificant blur. I had prey to catch and it wouldn’t. stop. running!

The impact happened before I even had a chance to register the wall. John stumbled to a stop and spun around to face me, but I slammed full-force into his stomach. The world was fuzzy and my breath came hard, but I heard John's breathing come just as ragged and realized I had him pinned.

“Where’re all your friends now, Goody-Two-Shoes?” I huffed, a carnivorous grin spreading helplessly over my face.

“Boys! Knock that off this instant!” A voice from behind. Judging from the footsteps and flash of grey curls, it was our substitute teacher, Mr. Elliot.

“Speak!” I hissed. I grabbed John’s arms and forced them over his head “Are you crazy? Are you scared of me? What is it?”

“Mister Maria! Get off him!” Elliot’s voice was edged with a shrill enough pitch to make your ears boil.

But I didn’t let him go. I shook his arms “Tell me!”

John mumbled something I didn’t quite hear.

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter.” John raised his head and locked eyes with me. I realized his fingers were gripping, no, sinking into the wall behind him. The wall fragmented like a punched mirror, cracks spidering outward in a chorus of unholy creaking. I felt like I was watching through the eyes of someone else. I couldn’t move.

John leaned backward into the fracture and grabbed my wrists. I was flung over his head, splinters of wall scraping along my body, and plunged into the dusky abyss on the other side. Gracefully, John leaped off the edge of the hallway and hovered down beside me, a crooked smile spreading across his face “Got you.”

***

Stop.

Pause game.

Continue?

My eyes felt runny and heavy. I pried them open regardless.

My limbs were suspended in midair, and yet they felt impossibly heavy. My head? No, I couldn’t move that either. Blinking felt like dragging a 100-pound weight through a pit of half-dry cement. My vision flickered and crackled, everything swimming like an old-fashioned TV screen. What was this? Hello?

Is this an after-dream? The air certainly felt warm and thick. Like a blanket. Am I asleep? This heaviness…I wanted it to drag me down into its conclusion. Wrap me in its singularity and never permit me to wake up…wake up…

Greetings, mortal.

The words weren’t so much spoken as they sort of just appeared in my head, scrolling by like rpg dialogue.

Hello?

My lips couldn’t move, but the word seemed to hover in the air.

Hello!

I wasn’t alone. The rainbow static burned at my eyesight, but I could still make out a vague form. No arms, large shoes, round glasses…curly hair…? Elliot??

Hello!

Elliot repeated. He didn’t seem to move, but his expression changed. This was no surprise to me, honestly. He had always been a little off.

What happened?

You fell through a wall.

Well, I mean…duh.

What about now? What’s happening?

I’m protecting you.

Why?

Elliot's face flickered to a different expression.

The wood shards created by Johnny’s little mess will impale you in about 1.32 milliseconds.

You stopped time?? Get me out of here, then!

Another flicker.

I cannot. I am not that powerful.

I noticed an earring swinging from his right lobe. It was gold, studded with exactly two red gems. Despite my grainy vision, I could see every detail of it clearly.

Can you do anything, then? Or…what was the point of this?

I can give you a choice: you can die, and the one you call John will reveal himself to you. Or, I can administer rebirth and you can find out on your own.

My eyes got lost in his words, reality feathering at the corners of my gaze like a corrupted video tape. So this confirmed my suspicion that John wasn’t normal, but more questions welled up because of that. He's going to kill me in…what was it?

1.32 milliseconds.

Yeah. He's going to kill me in a literal second. Does this mean he would hurt the rest of the school? Why would he want to kill me, anyway? Not even the popular girls go that far if someone doesn’t like them.

But on the other hand…my parents. My teachers. My family. It’s complicated, but…I don’t want to put a funeral on their plate, of all things.

What’s does rebirth entail?

You lose your humanity. But gain a second chance.

I stopped.

What…kind of…

Are you scared of teeth?

No…?

It took a minute to fully process. This was something only talked about in joking, disregarded as myth.

Please choose quickly. Our time is almost up.

I felt a tremor in the air, like distant thunder. I wasn’t breathing, I realized. The only thing that wasn’t a part of the air were mine and Elliot’s thoughts. The connection flowed freely between us. I understood everything. And so did he.

I don’t want my parents to notice, okay?

They won’t. At least for a few weeks.

Meh. I'll take what I can get.

Elliot smiled. He tipped his head back to reveal the full extent of his glistening teeth, two small fangs pushing through, widening…stretching…sharpening…

His earring caught the dim light like a gleaming eye.

Continue game.

Loading new files, please wait.

***

The air dropped me out of its grasp, a searing light ripping across my eyeballs. The sound of wood chips plinking to the ground below nearly deafened me. I squeezed my eyes shut as a million little wooden knives bit my flesh and my skull fractured into the pavement. Two little spots of red, residual light from Elliot’s earring, lingered in my mind as everything else faded away.

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#writing #original writing #horror #mild gore #school #vampire #chapter 1

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johannesviii · 4 years

Text

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2017

Not a very good year for hit songs. Still better than the next one, though.

And a very satisfying #1 that launched an entire infodump about a specific band. I’m not even sorry.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

2017 might not sound super distant, but it’s already distant enough to analyse what started to happen to me that year with some clarity. This is when I started to lose some of my energy and motivation. A lot, in fact. Everything suddenly felt exhausting and this whole “what’s even the point of anything” mentality started to fall on my shoulders. And you know what, at first, while making these recaps, I had no idea what started it all. Was it that super rare infection I caught in early 2018 and almost made me lose a part of a finger? Was it both my grandfathers dying in mid 2018? Was it the general state of the world? But no, I did some digging and noticed this general exhaustion actually started right during summer 2017 and I was like what the f█ck happened in summer 2017? That summer was fine?

And then it clicked. I know exactly what kickstarted my spiral into about 18 months of depression, and it’s got nothing to do with health or family. It’s something that shouldn’t have affected my life in any way, and that I kinda tried to ignore at the time, and some of you might even find me overdramatic or cringy for letting it affect my life. But yeah, as I’ve realised while making these lists, Linkin Park was actually a super important part of my life, so it makes perfect sense: what started it all was Chester Bennington killing himself. Clearly, someone who had contributed so much to convince me that life was worth living and who suddenly decided it wasn’t worth it, that had a huge impact on me, whether I wanted it or not.

Aaaand now I’m crying again. Great.

Anyway. Uh. Important albums that year! Yeah so uh. Depeche Mode made Spirit and it wasn’t good, and so I kinda lost faith they would ever make a great album again, but I did realise one of my teenage dreams and saw them in concert in the Stade de France in July 2017 (it was huge. Going home after that felt like waking up from some sort of hypnotic trance. They even played Walking In My Shoes, one of my absolute favorite songs from them, along with a video featuring a trans person going to work and I started to bawl my eyes out in the middle of the f█cking crowd). Nine Inch Nails also made Add Violence and continued to be super good, and Indochine made 13, and while it wasn’t nearly as good as Black City Parade, it was also better than La République des Météors, so I was pretty happy about that. EDIT: Forgot about Under Your Spell by The Birthday Massacre, which blew my goddamn mind, but still not as much as the next album I'm gonna talk about.

But the defining album of the year, to me, was Mike Oldfield making a sequel to my favorite album from him, with Return to Ommadawn. Of course it’s not as good as Ommadawn. But still. If Ommadawn felt like discovering a new strange country full of weird folklore and forests and mysterious buildings, Return to Ommadawn feels like going back there half a century later and seeing things in ruins and wounded people, but still trying to seek beauty and joy in a partly destroyed landscape. It makes perfect sense considering the circumstances that surround the making of this thing, and it was the only way to make a good sequel to such a legendary album.

Unelligible songs that piss me off... uh, actually there’s only Cut to the Feeling by Carly Rae Jepsen. Why wasn’t it a huge hit. Come to think of it, why hasn’t any Carly Rae song been a huge hit since Good Times. This feels unfair.

Time for some honorable mentions, then.

Feels and also Slide (Calvin Harris and a lot of other people) - Got nothing to say about either of these songs, but they’re both pretty good.

Katchi (Ofenbach) - Nice little earworm.

No Roots (Alice Merton) - Super surprised this was a hit. Good.

OK (Robin Schulz ft James Blunt) - That’s a James Blunt song in the year of our lord 2017 and it sounds actually good??

What About Us (Pink) - Really caught my attention and made me wonder if I should listen to Pink again after a long streak of mediocre Pink songs.

Congratulations (Post Malone) - I find the song mostly boring but the guest verse ending with “uh, Malone... I gotta play on my phone...” is the stuff of legends and that got a chuckle out of me every time I heard it.

Glorious (Macklemore) - I’m glad this was a hit here but at the same time it’s not my favorite song from him. The music video is adorable, though.

Fly (Odyssey) - Nothing to say about that one.

XO Tour Life (Lil Uzi Vert) - The fact that I was regularly humming this is either a sign of quality or yet another sign I was depressed as shit.

Devil in Me (Purple Disco Machine) - What a great artist name.

Symphony (Clean Bandit) - Nothing to say here either, just good sound all around.

Attention (Charlie Puth) - 2017: The Year Charlie Puth Made A Great Song.

All Stars (Martin Solveig & Alma) - The last cut. It was on the list at some point. I really like it a lot, though.

And now, the list. The stuff I genuinely love starts at #6 and things that are still on my mp3 player to this day start at #4.

10 - Chained to the Rhythm (Katy Perry)

US: #73 / FR: #10

I just love the concept of a Katy Perry song about how Katy Perry songs are happy nonsense distracting you from actual issues. What can I say, I’m a sucker for meta stuff.

9 - Water Under The Bridge (Adele)

US: #88 / FR: Not on the list

An Adele song projecting actual positive energy!? That automatically goes on the list.

8 - Praying (Kesha)

US: #67 / FR: Not on the list

You know I mostly dislike slow emotional songs regardless of how good they actually are. I will, however, make an exception for this one even though I very rarely listen to it considering how emotionally taxing it is. That’s definitely a fantastic song, though.

7 - Viens On S’aime (Slimane)

US: Not on the list / FR: #53

“Listen, we love each other, f█ck it, f█ck their words and their decorum, listen, we love each other, f█ck it, f█ck their ideas and what they’re saying”. Well said, dude, well said.

6 - There’s Nothing Holding Me Back (Shawn Mendes)

US: #23 / FR: #91

That’s a very good song for running and that is becoming increasingly rarer, so I’ll take what I can get.

5 - Paris (The Chainsmokers)

US: #42 / FR: Not on the list (that’s irony for you)

Unlike Closer this is an unrelatable song about rich young people that can afford to live in Paris just “to get away from [their] parents” but honestly that’s the only negative thing I have to say against it. It sounds fantastic.

4 - Castle On The Hill (Ed Sheeran)

US: #40 / FR: #50

We’ve now entered the realm of songs that are still on my mp3 player to this day. This is the only Ed Sheeran song I’ve ever liked, and I love it. It sounds like a lost U2 song. Maybe from a strange dimension where U2 became more fragile and emotional instead of more pretentious.

I have no idea why this guy keeps making such boring stuff when he’s got that kind of song in him. I have no clue.

3 - Something Just Like This (Coldplay & The Chainsmokers)

US: #5 / FR: #19

Hey so Coldplay is still on my lists, apparently. It’s a bit too slow, some lyrics about superheros don’t make much sense, and the drop isn’t super good, but my god, that guitar near the end makes everything worth it. Just amazing colors and textures all around.

It’s not even my favorite song on that EP! I think Miracles (Someone Special) is even better, but eh, this one is a close second.

2 - 24k Magic (Bruno Mars)

US: #16 / FR: Not on the list (#13 in 2016 but I put it on the 2017 list instead)

Am I the only one to like this more than Uptown Funk? It’s so much fun to sing along to it. And unlike Uptown Funk, it’s making me feel nostalgic for an era I actually (vaguely) knew, the super colorful and ridiculous early 90s. My s.o loves it too and when it comes up on the radio or on our playlists you can bet we’re both going PUT YOUR. PINKY. RINGS UP. TO THE. MOOOOOOOON like two idiots.

This is the song I could have put on the previous list but elected to put on this list instead since it was elligible for both years, by the way! Since 2017 was less good than 2016, I thought it would be more interesting to save such a great song for later.

It would have topped the list too, if it wasn’t for something I didn’t expect to be elligible before reading the French year-end list.

Strap yourselves in, because I had no real opportunity to talk about this band at length in the posts made for the years when it was the most relevant in my life, so this is going to be quite long.

1 - La Vie Est Belle (Indochine)

US: Not on the list / FR: #44

As you already know if you remember some of my previous lists, Indochine is a band I started to love right in the middle of the absolute worst years of my life. These guys had been around since the 80s as a super successful new wave band, then became very unpopular and went underground for about twelve years in the entire 90s, then one of them died, then every member except the singer basically rotated, and then they suddenly re-emerged in 2002-2003 with Paradize, a monster of an album, full of energy, sinister themes and weird provocative songs, and an entire generation of angsty teenagers (me included as you can guess) embraced it wholeheartedly.

And all of a sudden Indochine was the favorite French mainstream band of local young punk/goths! So many kids with the Indochine logo in highschool. Nowadays the band is mocked and well-loved in equal doses by just about everyone, but I suspect it’s just because we’ve all grown up.

Placebo, Linkin Park and Indochine were the bands that ruled my entire world in 2003/2004. My mother hated all three of them, because of course she did, but especially Indochine, because according to her it was partly their fault if I was gender non-conforming. See, she used to say, they had put all kinds of bad ideas in my head and now I was all messed up.

...Holy shit, that’s a lot of blame to put on a ridiculous new wave band who’s first hit song from 1983 is just a long nonsensical list of shitty old Bob Morane pulp novels.

But here’s the problem. Even if Indochine kept having hit song after hit song, those were never the best songs on their albums. Here I am, 31, making these top ten lists since last December, and becoming more and more frustrated to see none of my favorite modern Indochine songs are elligible. My favorite Paradize singles were Mao Boy, Popstitute and especially Marilyn (god, this song rocked my entire year alongside Placebo’s The Bitter End. 2003 was such a fantastic year for dark energetic hit songs)? Too bad, the biggest hits were J’ai demandé à la lune and Le Grand Secret. Alice & June had four fantastic singles? Too bad, none of them is elligible! Same thing for the entirety of Black City Parade. Oh, but that song I hate from La Republique des Météors is elligible, I guess!

So we’re in summer 2017, and my life is completely different now, and Indochine releases La Vie Est Belle (I’m linking the album version and not the music video because it has some violent themes in it). I’m in my car doing some errands and the local radio goes “hey new song from Indochine” and I’m like “oh shit, gotta hear this” and then two minutes later “oh wow, that is super good. Won’t be a hit though”.

And yet, it was a hit! It became huge, even! And at that point I was already loving that song even though I thought it was just a super good but tragic love song about a significant other dying too young.

And then, about a month later, the wordplay of the first line finally hit me with the force of a semitruck. It’s not a love song. It’s a song about the singer’s dead twin. Who died in 1999.

It’s such a devastating, beautiful song, and yet it’s full of energy. I. adore. it. It’s exactly the kind of song you need to continue to fight and to live and to help other people in this day and age. “Life is beautiful and cruel, it looks like us sometimes” indeed. And it’s one of the best on the album, too!

So yes, 15 years after I first fell in love with this band and after they helped me during super dark times, finally, I can put one of their songs at the top of one of these lists, hands down, no debate whatsoever.

That probably sounds ridiculous but it’s genuinely making me feel extremely emotional.

Next up: I thought music sucked that year because I was depressed but I relistened to it and no it wasn’t just me

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw #suicide mention tw #I can't believe I'm almost done with these lists #that was a wild ride guys

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jameswrites · 5 years

Text

Vitamixed Messages

TW: blatant yet subtle transphobia and cruelty by someone who no doubt considered themselves helpful to me.

Sometimes, kind people are cruel and misinformed.

Vitamix blenders look absolutely incredible. They have blunt "blades" that the Costco demonstrator allowed me to touch and I found out that they were blunt because they used the force of fast rotations instead of sharp cuts to break everything apart.

She gave us a smoothie that was made of even peels, stems, and seeds of oranges, raspberries, and strawberries, though the bananas were peeled (perhaps that would have been too weird to peel).

I went back from the next snack station to go tell the woman that she was a fantastic salesperson because frankly, I had just wanted a smoothie because I was hungry and the idea that the peels stayed on was weird and disconcerting, yet the smoothie itself was amazing.

So she pulls us even further in, shows us that this blender can make soup. Tortilla soup is the recipe she picked as she wove a narrative around us, told us her hopes and dreams (spread knowledge about the truth and become a raw vegan chef).

I said I liked that it tells you exactly how many carbs are in a thing because I'm diabetic and that's important for me. She told me that if I went on a vegan diet and cut out all my animal kinds of milk and meats, I wouldn't have to be diabetic anymore. I rolled my eyes a bit, sighed and shut down a narrative of reversing my diabetes (Type 1) by saying that while I have a single cousin who changed their eating habits and lost weight and this helped them reverse their Type 2, this was not something mine could have happen. She pushed, but I pushed back.

It was a commonly experienced microaggression of a distinctly ableist flavor, but I mostly ignored it with the focus on the Vitamix blender and how it made a soup in less than 2 minutes, when all we had done was put in hot water and several raw vegetables, a single vegan bullion cube, and finally a few tortilla chips. The soup warmed my soul.

During this all, she spoke so convincingly, with conviction in this product. But in between, she peppered her narrative with personal information that made me feel like I got her. And I shared back and told her things about me.

It's funny. I even recognized out loud that she was a salesperson at one point, I said, "you're a very impressive salesperson, I just came over to tell you how good and impressive it was how you made that smoothie including everything on the fruits and it was still fantastic."

"Well I'm not a salesperson, I'm just presenting it to you, you're the one selling it to yourself. I truly believe if you believe in a product like this, you'll be able to tell people about it like I do."

I believe her. She believes in this product and it showed in every single thing she said about it.

So I laughed and said when selling things myself I'd definitely be using that phrase because it was eloquent.

We chat, and she offers a bit of British bite with a teasing smile and I offered it back with that same sensation of camaraderie.

My roommates and I agreed to buy a blender, and she kept talking to us as she helped us get it into our cart. She came out, told me I look adorable, said that my shirt looked vintage and that she likes vintage things as well.

So I got excited, showed her an image of myself when I used to wear vintage 1950s inspired dresses. She smiled and nodded and seemed to really like what I showed her, said I was just so adorable.

I agreed. I don't give compliments in vain. My problem is I assume no one else does either, so perhaps it's just naivete, perhaps it's vanity, but flattery works well on me.

I still believe she said what she meant.

She hugged us all, shared the dream that she wants to start a vegan restaurant. I hope she does someday. I don't hate her.

She said that to reward us for buying one she'd make a coffee drink for us. So she went and grabbed some coconut milk, some Starbucks coffee crystals, ice, and figs. It was a tasty drink, and in that time a few people came by and I talked to those people about how happy I thought I was going to be with our new Vitamix.

This woman had my trust, and maybe that’s a sign of my naivete. Maybe that’s a sign that I’m a child at heart, looking for a kindly older person to be in my life because I so rarely got that growing up. I don’t know what it is.

All I know is that when she asked me about what I did and I said I was in college, she talked about “sheeple” and I started to feel a bit odd, but I nodded along and started to make noises that we had frozen food that we needed to take care of, and how I was pleased with my English teacher because he made us actually think critically in our writing, he asked us to look at stats and analyze them, and then he peeled back bias and said, here is how that stat lied to you, and here is how you allowed it to lead you. Stats are not everything, and if you don’t know how they were sourced, they might be tainted by misleading things such as a small scope, a source that doesn’t represent the whole, and simple biases that leads to skewed results.

And she glowed at this, she seemed so happy when I told her that my teacher wasn’t on the agenda train, he was trying to keep it out, so he could teach us to pull things apart from ourselves. I try to do what he said to do already, but having a teacher explain how to do it is invaluable.

And she asked for my phone, she asked directly for me to pull it out. So I did because I liked her, but as I did, I said that I really needed to keep moving soon, because again, frozen treats in the cart. So she types in “The age of Deceipt” which was a misspelling, but it got her where she wanted to go. It brought her, on my phone, to a video.

( I know those words are likely hard to read, I took screen caps blended together on my phone and they were grainy. I don’t know how to fix that, but I also refuse to link to the video itself and give it any more views. Needless to say, if you can’t read these comments, the comments were repulsive and based on speculation of a most cruel nature, even the ones who talk about how the Lord Jesus Christ will save you--after mentioning that you know, drag was something that one needed saving from.)

And I walked away seeing that this was the title of the video. We got one hallway away and I started to read the comments after laughing to myself "surely, that weird bit of conspiracy about 9/11 and how coffee really works and about how to cure my chronic illnesses, surely she's still nice just a little bit odd. So TRANSAgenda isn't about trans people.”

But if you look at the comments, it absolutely is. People refer to the queens in England as men, say it’s so good to know the truth. Talk about gender in reprehensible terms. Talk about us like we’re repulsive like we’re breaking society. It’s heavily right-wing Christian bent in the comments, and maybe the video itself isn’t, but I hardly believe that on account of those comments being the norm in the video. And on account of the video name.

So I ask quietly, shaking voice and hands if we can put the blender back. I don’t want to give her a sales, even though I want the blender. Even though I don’t want to deprive my roommates of such a spoon-saving machine.

They agree with absolutely no fight. They take it out, and we set it down, and one of them suggested that we could go back and tell her what was wrong and why that cruel video among such sweet smiles and gentle hugs was horrible, but I was dissociating and barely present anymore. I begged not to go, not to have to talk to her.

I don’t remember much else after that, until we got to the car and I was shaking and couldn’t handle that someone who had been so sweet, so considerate, someone who hugged me and said that I really made her night better, could give me a video that tore me down to my core in such a vicious “well-meaning” way.

At the car, I got my courage back, I thought. I had written an essay on what it meant to be trans. I wanted to show her. I wanted to let her know. So I asked my friends to take me back in, please. And I got about to the electronics section before I was shaking, my voice cracked, and I could barely stand without feeling sick. I asked a woman who worked there to help me, please, because I-I could barely handle going to the person who had sent me such a passive-aggressive and vicious video.

It’s terrifying when you think someone gets you, and isn’t one of those allies, and instead they take your trust, they mold it, and so very quickly they slam you down and tell you that not only are you not trans, you’re just another sheeple, a person who can learn to stop being trans, if only you can just do the right things. Maybe I could become vegan. Maybe I could do yoga. Maybe I could meditate, maybe I could do all those things and stop being trans, stop being wrong.

But I am not wrong. How dare she put those lies into my phone, so callously and casually hurt me on the same breath of saying how much she trusts me to learn going forward. How dare.

And then I take a breath and realize that it’s over. It’s allowed to hurt, and then I can put it in my mind’s trunk. I can hide it away, understand that it hurts, but that it’s not the end. None of this is the end. Not even the shit that hurts the most, the betrayal in my life by people much closer to me than that.

But the comments told me otherwise. Over and over as we walked down the hall towards the end of Costco, my stomach twisted. I trusted her, this kind old woman with a British accent, I'd thought she had some off ideas but that's the thing, you can have off ideas and still be great. She might be great, but that tainted everything for me.

I dissociated. I stopped thinking. I asked for the Vitamix to be removed from the cart, adding hastily that I still wanted one, I just couldn’t personally give her a commission like that with such a blunt yet powerful blow of being so kind, so sweet, so considerate, so cruel.

I couldn’t feel angry, or sad, or anything. Then I felt it all, swirling, scary, I thought I might collapse.

I remember that we checked out, but I was mentally checked out and didn’t notice it until we were outside, in the hot sun with sleeves on that made me realize just how much I had sweat.

I went to the car dimly, following my roommates directions on where it was because I was lost in thought, my emotions, and in the lot itself. When we got to the car, something about sitting woke my brain up. I said, “No. I want to go back. I want to show her my essay about being trans, maybe she’ll understand it. I want her to understand how what she did, it was cruel. It was taking my identity and making it a conspiracy for entertainment value.”

I was stumbling and stuttering and shaky in my hands as I prepared to go inside. At the door, I realized I couldn’t do it, but I felt too scared to go back to the car, especially now that I made a big deal about going inside. So I kept on, but the first person I saw, in the electronics department, she was so helpful when I stopped and told her, “Please, it’s not in this department, but someone was cruel to me, and I wanted to talk to them about it but I just can’t, can you please call a manager for me?”

I wanted water, normally I carry some, but I was parched and dry and sweating out everything as my body shook and my voice cracked due to nerves and hormones. I wanted to cry, again, but the rest of my body disagreed with me and it was somehow more humiliating to not.

A manager came and he listened and empathetically nodded, confirmed that it wasn’t ok, that nothing like this should happen in a store, and he’d do what he could. He valued my story, he listened, and I felt respected again, a band-aid over a burn. I still wanted to cry, but at least there was a stranger in this situation who I didn’t feel was manipulating me.

The worst part about this, is I think she meant all the things she said, including the compliments. I think those were sincere, and she also simultaneously held that I was someone who was working on critical thinking (check) who is trans (check) and who had nodded [nervously] to her conspiracy theories (check).

I didn’t go in to get her fired.

And also, if someone else told me that they had been treated like that, I wouldn’t say, “Oh, don’t talk to the manager, that’ll get her fired!” because that’s garbage advice and if she gets fired that’s on her.

So why do I feel so guilty, swimming in my own head as though I am the problem?

Oh, right, because it’s a conspiracy that trans people are the problems here.

And it’s a fact that cis people hurting us, killing us, raping us, torturing us, denying us, ignoring us, it’s a fact that this is a problem, in this world, in these times.

But she couldn’t see that.

My therapist said that it’s ok that I have a wildly different view of how things ended (before the manager was involved.) They said that yes, she said that I made her entire afternoon better, but she hadn’t been aggressed upon. I listened, she told. I went away feeling sick, because she hurt me under the guise of caring and I have PTSD specifically related to that.

Either way, it hurts a lot.

Because for every comment I read, I could feel a bit more vitriol from the world, chopped bluntly at high speeds as my heart raced and I felt like I'd fall into a pile and be liquid on the floor.

It’s funny. I still want a Vitamix. I still think it’s a great product. She really is good at putting on a show and letting me sell it to myself. But we can buy one for so much cheaper online from the company itself, and so eventually it will. It’s going to save so many spoons.

But the trauma of this took so many away, it’ll be a while before that is made up for.

#transphobia #TW transphobia #my life

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