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gay-otlc · 3 years

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Keepers Of The Chaos (3)

Summary: Tam, Linh, Dex, Keefe, Biana, and Fitz are part of the tiny fandom for Keeper of the Chaos, and Tam and Linh’s podcast convinces some of their other friends to watch it as well. The group finds themselves strangely invested in this show, where students at Tumblr High School who work together to write about an elf named Sophia, cause incomprehensible chaos, and fight their rival Pinterest High School.

Content warnings: Cursing, religion (Jewish Vackers), and Amsterdam (just in case, I know that was stressful for some people).

Word count: 1621

Notes: Most of the episodes are just events stolen from Lynn's roundup, Dex's memes are here

(Read on AO3)

The life of an amateur meme maker on dumbles dot com was a strange one, that was for sure. After finishing xyr favorite show- Ze-Ra: Monaerchs of Powhir- for the third time, Dex had searched for another show to fill the void in xyr soul. Biana recommended this show called "Keepers of the Chaos" and described it to xem. Xe was doubtful at first, but after watching the first episode, xe was hooked.

Xe used to not have many friends at xyr school, so xe did what every neurodivergent queer teen would do- made an account on dumbles dot com. People seemed to like xem- or at least, they liked dizznee-plus's memes and edits of Ze-Ra characters. Even after Dex befriended xyr squish, Fitz, thons sister, Biana, and aer girlfriend, Sophie, xe continued making content on dumbles. Around that time, the Ze-Ra fandom started dying off, and xyr memes started getting fewer note

In a sudden, two am burst of inspiration, Dex made edits of some of xyr favorite characters, like Ref, Akki, and Rose, with their respective pride flags (all of them bi) over them, and captioned it "we must be gay." The post blew up, or at least, what could be considered blowing up in Keeper of the Chaos's tiny fandom, and that was how Dex found xyr calling as an amateur meme/edit maker for KOTC.

History had been repeating itself, with the KOTC fandom starting to die off, until it was revived by an announcement from creator Saturn Nolastname- a season two would be released soon. Frantically, Dex made a meme about season one episode two, with the car salesman meme. Xe edited "chaos keepers" onto the car salesman, "the rarelynoticed" on the car, and "this bad boy can fit so many stripper outfits into it."

That had been... an interesting episode, to say the least. The chaos keepers had been talking about the antagonists of "Sophie and the Dark Duck"- a rebel group called the Rarelynoticed. In the information packet they'd been given, it was confirmed that the Rarelynoticed wore black cloaks and armbands, but no other clothes had been mentioned. Somehow, the chaos keepers came to the conclusion that the Rarelynoticed really wore neon pink leotards and green stripper heels, then drew this idea.

Needless to say, the Tumblr staff did not let them write that into the book. Nor did Lynn, the unofficially chosen leader of the group. Unfortunately for her, this didn't stop the chaos keepers from drawing more of these- or the fandom from making a ton of memes. In addition to the car salesman meme, a post with Drake saying no to "wearing normal fucking villain outfits" and yes to "leotards and stripper heels" gained popularity within the small fandom.

Though nothing could match the absolute shock of seeing the Rarelynoticed stripper outfit for the first time, Dex decided to rewatch the episode anyway- it was funny to see the chaos keepers freak out, and maybe xe could get some good screen captures. The good Saturn Nolastname indulged xem, and xe captured an excellent scene of most of the chaos keepers either laughing or screaming at the Rarelynoticed stripper outfits, with Kimber- one of xyr favorites- sitting on the side, explaining to Juno and Kaitee why Bianca Cracker was bisexual.

Xe went over to dumbles, posted the picture, added an image description, and captioned it "Live photo of me not caring when my friends talk about sex/romance." Xe chuckled to xemself- this really was how it felt to be aroace. Xe tagged it as aromantic and asexual as well, since dumbles added flag colors. Smiling, xe went to go check xyr notifications.

Xyr jaw dropped when xe saw that @lordofthesnuggles- Fitzroy (Dex didn't know thons middle name) Vacker thonself had liked and reblogged all three of xyr memes, even adding compliments in the tags! Xe'd had a bit of a platonic crush on Fitz for... a really long time, but xe always felt too awkward to talk to thon, so it was nice to see that thon appreciated xyr humor.

Feeling energized- and excited to procrastinate on xyr math homework- Dex went to watch the next episode: Dark Duck Is Jewish Now. Being Jewish xemself, this was a really funny episode to xem.

Lynn had been writing a sort of spinoff- it would be called fanfiction, but it was for her own story- about some of the Dark Duck characters celebrating Christmas, and added a throwaway line about Bianca and Finn Cracker celebrating Hanukkah. Then, her fiance, Shai, had taken that idea and run with it, writing a list of ideas about what would happen if the Cracker family was Jewish. Hir friend Sam had jumped on the idea, and soon they had abandoned writing the actual Dark Duck in favor of writing a story about Jewish Dark Duck characters. Some of the other Jewish chaos keepers, like Ref and Cat, helped out.

To be honest, it kind of surprised Dex that no one had made a joke about the Jewish Crackers just being matzah, so xe supposed xe would have to be the first.

Xe posted that observation, quickly getting a like from Fitz- which made xem smile. After a few minutes, Dex posted another meme: Shai and Sam standing in front of a door with a sign that read "elves don't have religion," and them saying "This sign won't stop me, because I can't read!"

It was accurate.

While that episode was great for Jewish representation, and funny, the Banana Noir episode was just plain weird.

It focused less on the Dark Duck than most of the other episodes, and was more about the crazy interactions of the chaos keepers. The episode was named for Banana Noir, who was really Cat Noir, but in a banana suit. Banana Noir was the son of Mellie, who looked like a shark, and Nora, who had platonically married faer. The mothers tried to arrange a marriage between him and Akki, who loved the side characters of the Dark Duck series. However, Akki wanted to marry Amelia. After a lot of shit that basically no one understood, Banana Noir's attempts were thwarted, and Lynn officiated the wedding between Akki and Amelia.

Yeah, Dex had no idea what the fuck was going on either. Xe'd watched an episode of Twins of the Chaos and a youtube video by arsonpog analyzing the Banana Noir chronicles, as it had been dubbed by the chaos keepers, and both expert opinions seemed to agree that Saturn Nolastname and the rest of the writers had probably been on crack when they made that episode.

The next episode made slightly more sense, though it was a low bar. After taking a break from the "official" Dark Duck story, the chaos keepers began collectively writing a Cinderella story about the characters Sophia and Bianca. People weren't allowed to be queer in the official story, but the chaos keepers still wanted to have fun with their obviously gay characters.

Even to the viewers of the show, who only received secondhand information about the Dark Duck characters, knew there was no way any of them, let alone all of them, were allocishet. The exact identities weren't entirely clear- when Dex had made edits of the characters' official art and xyr headcanons for their pride flags, a few people had disagreed- but both the chaos keepers and the fandom knew that despite what Shannon said, Sophia and Bianca were in love, and their Cinderella story should have made it in to the official Dark Duck story.

While excerpts of the Cinderella story were quoted in the show, most of it was left unclear, so Biana had taken it upon aerself to write aer own version of it. Dex was expecting an update later that day, actually, or maybe the next. Ae wasn't always 100% reliable with aer update schedule. Still, Dex looked forward to when it eventually did come.

After the brief calmness from the Sophianca Cinderella episode, season one episode six, Amsterdam, exploded back into chaos. A few of the chaos keepers decided to discuss a fake scene in the book in which crazy shit went down, with the scene supposedly being located in Amsterdam. It had never been written and was never going to be, but everyone discussed it like it was real. Some of the highlights involved all the Dark Duck girls having swords (and the chaos keepers being gay for them), and a speedboat chase scene through the canals. Fitz had a popular theory that the chaos keepers would actually travel to Amsterdam in order to commemorate this crazy part of their lives. Almost as popular as that was a meme Dex made, with a man labeled "chaos keepers discussing amsterdam" and gesturing feverishly to a wall covered in papers and red string.

Of course, episode seven (Dark Duck Disney) was chaotic too. Everything was chaotic with this group, it was in the title. Shannon announced that the winning Dark Duck story would be adapted into a Disney movie. After past experience with terrible book to movie adaptations, the chaos keepers panicked. They panicked so much that it became major news within their school, which until then, had been largely ignoring the chaos keepers. Once the discussion about the movie settled down, they talked a lot about how in awe they were that their Dark Duck shenanigans were trending within the school.

But of course, none of that compared to the last episode of the season...

Dex changed xyr profile picture to include an ominous pair of teal eyes and sighed.

#tumblr kotlc fandom fandom #keepers of the chaos #shai types things #shai's writing #hehe like the ze-ra reference

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whyispickingausernamesohard · 3 years

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Remember when we were having friends vibe check the mechs? Yeah this was with @astronautjaws

Note that I do talk to this friend about the mechs a Lot so they did know some stuff (a Jonny ramble had happened literally the night before for example). (Also the Sasha mentioned in Ivy's is Sasha Sienna bc I also ramble about them)

Images descriptions under read more, if there’s a better way to format them please let me know!

[Image ID:

Ten images, each with 1 to 5 pictures of a given Mechanism and comments edited over.

Three pictures of Raphaella la Cognizi, featuring both of her wing styles. Comments read “She looks like a Juliet but she’s wearing all red so imma guess Red Rose? Clone or otherwise. Nice wings tho” “Okay but she does look like a Juliet” “Holy fuck Juliet” “wings and just straight up gay vibes, uh idk much about ships positions so imma go sword girl, now thinking about it her mechanism can be sword wlw”

One picture of Gunpowder Tim. Comments read “Jonny, human disaster and feral bastard, cannibal, tax fraud committee, captain?, gay dads that he killed both of” and a conversation between the person sending, “What’s his mechanism” and the person commenting, “Oh fuck. Uh compass?”

Two pictures of Jonny D’Ville. Comments read “he gives me a Nils vibe so let’s go with that, uh I go with him being a navigator but a badass one cause I feel like he would be looking at a map then turn around and shoot whoever was behind him without flinching, I feel like he’s 5′2″ tho which tbh the shorter you are the closer to satan you are so, that gun be his mech.” Comments from the sender read “You have no idea how much discourse there is over how tall he is” and “He has such short ppl energy but Insists he isn’t short (I think I remember seeing his height somewhere but I don’t remember it)”

Three pictures of Ashes O’Reilly. Comments read “they are the one who paved the way to enbies using random nouns as their names and i love it, tbh I was gonna go with like June as their name but I really think August/Auggie is more their vibe, Fucking shit is that a 5 string bass I love them, Their mech better be that bass, Lieutenant? Like is that a position used on this ship?, In regards to my first point their middle name is definitely Quill”

Two pictures of Nastya Rasputina. Comments read “those blue streaks of hair in the first pic bonus points there, she looks innocent but she’s definitely the kind of person who has a first name that’s minimum 3-4 syllables and she has 5 different middle names, Genevieve or Rebekah for sure (yes I did look at a name generator for this cause I can’t think of words let alone names with more than 3 syllables), I feel like her mech is a ring some jewelry, rank??? Seriously I know nothing of rank”

Five pictures of the Toy Soldier. Comments read “Toy Soldier babey, the child, it will either destroy baby yoda or team up with baby yoda for world domination, its mech I feel like is like the metal lumberjack from wizard of oz where it’s a metal heart that ticks, it has no rank cause nothing can contain The Feral Babey/Child - only chaos, timetraveling babey but wherever it lands everybody just goes ‘aw’ and TS commits crimes.” A conversation between the sender, “Yea basically fuck I talk too much about TS,” and the person commenting, “Oh for sure.” Another comment from the sender is placed over two pictures of the Toy Soldier with its hair down. It reads “These two pics in particular unlock secret emotions in me”

Two pictures of Drumbot Brian. In both pictures he is wearing the bronze face paint. Comments read “gold boi, shiny 10/10, I feel like Leo/Leonardo fits him, it might be the beart/long hair but I feel like he’s friends with the lesbians- like Hozier, mech is that drumstick? Cause you can’t play the accordion and drums at the same time?, cook probs, he’s just smiley all the time - he’s definitely the capybara of the group”

Five pictures of Marius von Raum. In two pictures an ace of hearts card is clearly visible in his hat. Comments read “Zack or Max, he’s the one who has been pulling stupid pranks everywhere like whoopie cushions under every seat, I spy with my little eye an ace in his hat so he’s confirmed canon asexual (would have preferred the ace of spades but I’ll take it), his mech is that card, no one wants to give him a rank cause he came on the ship stealing snacks and never left but he’s good at fighting in battle so he can stay” “K he’s aroace”

Three pictures of Ivy Alexandria. Comments read “[many question marks] Hello??, I may have just found a reason to start listening to the mechs, hey wait is this Sasha or nah, eh might as well go with Sasha cause why not, last pic got a knife so the knife is definitely the mech cause knife, That vest! That style! WTF! I love it!, feels like she’s off reading books while the rest of the crew is out fighting and only joins as a last resort. Plus if/when she joins the fight it’s over in 5 minutes cause gotta go back to reading that book before you’re out of the zone and you lose motivation for reading the book and it sits unfinished on a table (adhd mood but still) also if she occasionally fights while reading the book, just a book in one hand and a sword in another fighting off whoever is in front of her never breaking eye contact with the book”

One black and white picture of Dr. Carmilla. Comments read “her mech is the Spencer’s or hot topic gift card cause piercings, and if you don’t like that answer then I’d say it’s a dried/pressed flower or clover that’s been made into a bookmark cause that vibes, feel like her name is Rain or Millie, I feel like she doesn’t have a position but more of a location and that is the crow’s nest cause if you have a ukulele people are going to ask you to play the TOP cover of Falling in Love With You song over and over again or House Of Gold, and there’s no escaping it when you have your ukulele in hand”

End ID]

#the mechanisms #the mechs #raphaella la cognizi #gunpowder tim #jonny d'ville #ashes o'reilly #nastya rasputina #the toy soldier #drumbot brian #marius von raum #ivy alexandria #dr carmilla #doctor carmilla #taz talks #yea i'm maintagging this bc why not #also yes they fundamentally misunderstood what i meant by 'their mechanism is a mechanical thing that makes them immortal'#in my defense i KNOW ive said its a body part #long post cw #long post

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dalamjisung · 4 years

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just in case ❊ mark tuan

word count: 2324

genre: fluff

pairing: reader x mark tuan

description: he accidentally leaves with one of your shopping bags. could it be fate?

“Y/N, please,” Your friend begs, hands clasped together and pouty lips. “I promise this is the last store. I just want to check their winter collection. I need new sweaters now that it’s getting cold!”

“What’s wrong with your old sweaters?” You groan, allowing her to drag you by the hand inside the store that looks exactly like the ones before.

“Exactly that, they’re old.”

If you could kill Chae, you would. You’d been shopping for hours now, and once she ran out of hands to carry bags, you stepped up, leading up to where you are now, sitting down in a comfortable chair, surrounded by bags, waiting on your friend. The people checking out clothes would place at you and giggle, pointing at the bags and whispering to each other. It isn’t like you care about your public image, but even you got embarrassed; this was just too much.

“Don’t worry,” A voice called from beside you. “You’re not alone.”

You turn your head to the side only to find a smiling boy, also sitting down, also surrounded by shopping bags. Your brows shoot up, mouth hanging open. He had almost twice as many bags as you did.

“How did you carry all of that?” You gasp, looking at his sheepish smile.

“I have long arms,” It’s all he says. “And my friend is a compulsive buyer. He’s a pro at this.”

He nods with his head to the boy grabbing sweater after sweater from the rack and pilling it up on the helpers trembling arms. He laughs at something the store clerk said and shakes his head, handling her more clothes to try on.

“My friend is not much different,” This time you are the one nodding towards your friend, but instead of looking at clothes, you find her flirting with the worker, laughing at something he said. “Although I think she got a little sidetracked…”

The boy next to you laughs and you can’t help but laugh too; you couldn’t ignore the fact that this person is incredibly attractive, and when he smiles you can’t help but notice his sharp canines. That is oddly endearing, you think.

You two talk for a few minutes more, until one of you hear a loud thud. At the same time, both of you look for the source of the sound.

“Oh shit,” You whisper once you notice your friend arguing with another woman, both their hands on a pair of jeans. You know where this is going and you are quick to grab all of the bag, saying a quick goodbye to the cute guy before running to your friend. You apologize to the people in the store before dragging her out of there, lecturing her about manners all the way back to the car.

“Ah, alright, alright, I’m sorry,” Chae pouts, crossing her arms like a spoiled kid. “All I’m saying is that I grabbed the jeans first.”

“You bought three pairs just like that one!” You laugh, patting her head as you drive down the street.

“Yeah, yeah, but those were faded black,” She explains, as you park in front of you guys’ building. “I had a dark black, a dark blue, and a faded blue, but not a faded black.”

“I see,” You say ironically. “A complete necessity.”

“It is!”

“I waited for almost forty minutes for a faded black jeans that you didn’t even buy,” You giggle. “Doesn’t seem like a necessity to me.”

“Ah, but you weren’t alone, were you?” Chae pokes you with her elbow and winks at you. “I saw you chatting with that cute guy.”

“Yeah, he was pretty cute,” You smirk, feeling a boost of confidence surging through your veins.

“Did you get his name?”

“No,” You sigh with a frown. “Because someone got into a fight.”

“Ah, I’m sorry babe,” Chae winces, while rummaging through her bags. “Hey, have you seen the bag with my new sunglasses?”

“I’m sure it’s in there, somewhere,” You shrug moving to the kitchen and grabbing a beer.

You sit on the couch, drinking, and watching your friend desperately look for the tiny bag, when her phone starts ringing.

“Hello?” She asks softly, staring ate you with wide eyes. “Yes, this is her. What?! I was just looking for it… yes… ah, okay– not it’s no problem, thanks for calling! Yes, tomorrow is perfect! Thank you… you too!”

You raise an eyebrow. “What the hell?”

“Apparently,” You friend chuckles while glaring at you. “Someone was too busy flirting with cute guy, and forgot my bag.”

You choke on your beer. “No way! I’m so sorry, Chae!”

“Oh, but that’s not the best part,” She smiled wide. “I think cute guy got the bags confused and took it by accident. He called the store and asked them to contact me, and voila!”

“You got the glasses back?” You exclaimed excitedly.

“Nope,” She climbs onto the couch with you, leaning closer. “But you will. Tomorrow at 5PM at the store, bring the glasses this time, please.”

You actually spit some of your beer on her shirt.

“Sorry, what?”

“You were the one that mixed the bags up,” She shrugs. “And I have a huge interview tomorrow for the magazine’s next edition, so I wouldn’t be able to go anyways.”

“Chae,” You groan. “You are just trying to set me up.”

“And what is so wrong with that?” She laughs, going to the bathroom. “I’m showering first!”

You just mumble something in return and make a bee-line to your room. If you had to go anyways, you’d at least look good.

------------------------------

“I’m going to be late,” You wince at the phone as you run out of your office and into your car. “Call the store and let them know that I’ll be there in 20!”

“Goddammit Y/N,” Chae sighs. “You’re making cute boy wait!”

“I know and I feel bad as it is,” You bite back, frustrated at everything and everyone thanks to your awful day at work. “Fucking Jisoo gave me another spec commercial to work on…”

“I hate your boss,” Chae exclaims. “But I’m sure cute guy will understand and wait for you.”

“I hope so,” You bite your lip nervously. “I’m on my way there. Talk to you later.”

You turn off the phone and drive as fast as possible to the store you were on the previous day. The guy would probably leave the glasses with a worker if you took too long, and for someone reason that bothers you until you make your big entrance, sweat dripping down your face and hair pointing to all directions. You could only find a parking spot a few blocks away, so you ran to the store, hoping to still catch cute guy in there.

“Oh, hello!” One of the workers greets you by the door. “You are here for your glasses, right?”

“Yeah,” You smile sheepishly. “Did the person come by already?”

“Yeah,” She says and you can’t help but let your smile falter and frown. “But he’ll be back anytime, now.”

“What?”

“He got here a few minutes ago,” She chuckles, winking at you. “And we told him he could just leave the glasses at the cashier, but he said he wanted to return them personally.”

You blush, and laugh with the girl, feeling your hopes come back at full force. You too engage in small talk for a couple of minutes before you feel someone poking your shoulder.

“Hi.”

And there he was. Cute guy; looking even cuter. He had that same wolfish smile you were so endeared by, and you feel like you could melt.

“Hi,” You say, turning to face him after noticing that the store worker was already gone. Silence follows the greeting only for a short moment. “I’m sorry.”

“I think I’m the one that’s supposed to apologize,” He laughs, and gives you the small bag with your friend’s glasses inside. “I’m sorry, I thought they were BamBam’s, and I must’ve just grabbed it without noticing.”

“It’s nothing, really,” You smile, looking straight into his eyes. You could hear how guilty he felt, and you just wanted to hold his hand and reassure him that everything is alright. “Thank you for bringing it back, though. You could’ve just dropped them here and–“

“But then I wouldn’t be able to see you,” He smiles, and although you don’t miss the blush in his cheeks, you could swear you’ve never seen a man wear his confidence like this man. “I wasn’t expecting you, to be honest, but this is an incredible surprise.”

“Well,” You cough, trying to get yourself back together. “In that case, fancy a cup of coffee?”

“I was hoping you’d ask.”

“What if I didn’t?” You tease, guiding him out of the store and down the street, where you knew of a nice coffee shop.

“Then I would’ve,” He shrugs, and smiles shyly. For someone with so much confidence, he often looked a little shy. “But I’m glad you did; I didn’t want you to feel obligated to go just because I returned your glasses…”

Isn’t this why he’s coming?!, you wonder, mind suddenly going off. If he wasn’t coming as an apology, was he coming because he liked you? You smile at the thought and instantly warmed up to it– it wasn’t that farfetched.

“No,” You say after an awkward pause. “I definitely want to go have coffee with you.”

You had never been this forward in your whole life, usually saving up the confidence to present your final projects to clients. Working on a Publicity firm was not an easy job, and it ended taking up most of your free time and personal energy, but there was just something about this boy that made you think that it was all worth it.

It’s only when you two order your coffee that you look at each other with glee and giggles, having just found each other’s names.

“Mark, huh?” You ask with a teasing smile. “Suits you.”

“Y/N,” He tries it out. “I like that.”

You two talk for a while, and it is a wonder that you two haven’t met yet. Mark is a marketing director at one of your firm’s competitors, and you two laugh about the project they stole from you last month, and the project you stole from them this week. You find out that you two went to the same university at the same time, even if he was a senior when you were a freshman; and not only that, Mark also knew fucking Jisoo.

“She’s the devil,” He sighs. “But she’s the best out there for what we do.”

“She really is,” You agree, laughing. “But damn, she tires me out. I haven’t been able to relax like this in a long time…”

You stop talking after you realize what you’ve said. Your face heats up and you stammer an apology, looking down at your coffee. When you hear him laughing, you bit your lip, nervous to look at him. “Y/N,” He calls. “Y/N, come on, there’s no need to be embarrassed. I haven’t been this happy in a while, too.”

At this, your brows shot up. “I said relaxed.”

“And I said happy,” He smiles. “Does it matter?”

And it doesn’t, really; not when he’s looking at you as if you were the only thing he could see; not when he was smiling at you as if he already knew that you’re the one– the only one,– for him. The connection with Mark was instant, and you would be damned if you let him go.

“Can I–“

“Would you–“

You two talk at the same time and giggle as if you’re teenagers. It felt so good– to feel your age again, to not have the crushing weight of deadlines and spec presentations, and work, and you boss, and bills, and just enjoy the company of someone you liked, and that liked you back.

“Would you like to have dinner with me?” Mark asks with blushed cheeks and shimmering eyes. “I wasn’t expecting to see you and I was ready to ask your friend for your number. The fact that you showed up today could have only been…”

“Fate,” You say, smiling and pushing a strand of hair behind your ear. “That’s what you were going to say, right?”

“Got me there,” He nods. “So?”

“I’d love to have dinner with you,” You say softly, and pulling a pen from your purse, you write your number down on a pice of paper and give it to him. “Text me the details later?”

“Y-Yeah, I’ll text you later,” His voice is so soft and mellow that you find yourself getting a little hotter. “Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.”

“Thanks, Mark,” You say, already gathering your things.

You two walk in a comfortable silence, throwing random comments at each other until you reach your car.

“Do you need a ride?” You ask, walking to the driver’s side as he opened the door for you.

“No, my car is just a block away,” He leans towards you, arms propped on the roof of your car and head a little above yours, making you look up at him. “But thanks. Here; don’t forget this again.”

He holds the sunglass’ bag to you.

“Keep it,” You say with a smile, kissing his cheek, and pushing him a little so you can close the door. You roll the window down just so you can giggle and say. “Just in case you forget to text me.”

“Definitely not a possibility,” He laughs. “But if it gives me more of a reason to see you again, even better.”

“See you soon, Y/N.”

“See you soon, Mark.”

Your friend is ready to kill you once you show up at your apartment without her glasses, but you don’t mind; you’d get it back soon enough.

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anddd here if my first fic of 2020! I wanted to thank you all for the endless support and love ❤️ you are amazing! now, I hope you enjoy this fic :D let me know!

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ohnohetaliasues · 4 years

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Stones to Abbigale {Ch. 1}

(Kat)

This is going to be the worst thing I’ve ever read, isn’t it?

Am I going to actively want to die? Yes, most likely. But apparently, because I run a blog like this, I can endure suffering.

Flashbacks to Blood Raining Night.

Here we go. We will start with the introduction, written by the onion lord himself.

I want to be direct, my name is Greg. I go by “Onision” online.

Okay, I dunno what it is, but something feels off about this sentence.

This book is made up of events that occurred in my own life mixed with fiction from the made up life of James. James is essentially a better version of myself.

I can’t imagine how good that could be, seeing as the man who wrote this is a child predator and is just an overall piece of hot garbage.

His home, his school & his life all resemble my own at his age.

Don’t ever use a fucking ampersand instead of the word ‘and.’ It’s just bad grammar.

The people James analyzes and is surrounded by are not so unlike those I’ve known as well.

Analyzes?

Why?

I have experienced much of the loss James has however his happier moments are more often than not also mine.

Then write a memoir. Not this.

I want to share my story without it being purely non-fiction.

I mean, some people do this with books about their lives, but this feels... Odd?

I simply felt this approach would make for a far better book. At points I cried while writing this, at others I laughed.

Congratulations.

I don’t care.

Stones To Abbigale is not just a book I wrote, it is a piece of who I am.

That’s a given for all writers, but I still don’t care.

I’m going to rip this book to shreds.

Okay here we go.

I was asleep until I met her, but when I woke, I learned the meaning of "perfect imperfection."

Is this Onion boy trying to be poetic?

It actually made me want to die.

I've always been the type of person to focus on stars as we spin beneath them, the cool breeze on a sunny day, scattered patches of grass under my feet, the world around me, often forgetting to even glance at the one within.

‘The one within.’

Okay so the way this is written makes those three things seem disconnected. I often do stuff like this when I write, but I’d write it like ‘as we spin beneath them, focus on the breeze on a sunny day, on the scattered patches of grass, etc.’

You couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to rewrite that garbage sentence. This is all very waxing poetic and not in a good well structured way.

I had remained emotionally unexplored for so much of my life.

That must’ve been boring, not experiencing human emotions like the rest of us.

You sociopath, you.

It's painful knowing some can go an entire lifetime without understanding their own heart, an internal lock waiting for the right key to change everything.

Yeah, whatever, shut the hell up, you whiny idiot.

This is like an introduction by a teenager who just opened a poetry book and was like ‘yup. I wanna write like that.’

Except you aren’t William Blake or Walt Whitman and you never will be.

Sorry, Onion boy.

Except I’m not.

Die mad about it, grease ball.

It was the first Monday of November. I opened my eyes, blinded by my recently painted wall-to-wall white room. Even my bed frame, constructed of purely metal, was painted white.

Okay, cool. I’m a descriptive writer and I take every chance I can get to mention details, but even I find this description awkward. It feels irrelevant in this situation.

It bounced off the walls causing my eyelids to desperately clamp together. Painting my room like this was a clear act of subtle self-inflicted psychological torture.

Then why in the sweet hell did you do it? Do you enjoy suffering?

Actually, he probably does.

Because this is edgy as hell.

I was going through another phase, from darkness to light, and repeat. Seemed like the story of my life.

This is so edgy I am in physical pain.

You know your symbolism is good when it’s so random that you have to point it out and explain it to your audience.

My mom could see the darker colors were depressing me, I felt comforted by them, but found there were good aspects of both extremes. I was happy to visit either side, they are both so simple. But right now the intense light bouncing from wall to wall felt like it was ripping my mind in two.

Am I an idiot or is that just... word salad?

My mom didn't wake me. My alarm clock sat on my dresser with no explanation for it's failure to function. The clock only illuminated a blank stare with 8:17 written all over it's face. While entirely robotic, I imagined the clock to have the dumbest possible expression, one complementing its failure to behave any way outside its random glitch-infested nature.

That was the worst way to write a personification ever, but okay.

In the reflection of it's plastic face I could see myself unconsciously making the dumb expression I was imaging the clock to have. I laughed in my casual dorky tone and began to get ready to leave home.

I’m not laughing, idiot.

Without breakfast, I left for school with a bogus note in hand to idealistically explain my tardiness.

You... You wrote a fake note?

Do you realize you could get in trouble for that?

You’re an idiot.

I think most of my teachers were too exhausted to worry about small variances in our appearance from time to time. With how low their pay likely was, I imagined there were very few rules most teachers cared about.

That isn’t true at all. Teachers have to pay attention to rules unless they want to get, I dunno, fired.

It was another cold day in Lakewood. The wind hit my eyes forcing tears to form in the corners as I sped along the sidewalk at a no-doubt unreasonable speed.

I cannot imagine any good imagery for this scene. I’m just imagining this gif:

I passed Lauren and Raymon walking the opposite direction, no doubt headed toward the nearby church where all the students go to smoke, make out and hide out till school ends.

Um okay. Does this guy know that if characters don’t have relivance to the story, if they have no reason to be named, than they don’t have to be?

No.

Because he’s a 34 year old man baby.

They seemed so childish as they held hands and smiled excitedly as if they had gotten away with some tremendous crime.

That sentence seems so robotic I genuinely can’t.

Mr. Hanson, my heavy-set, middle-aged history teacher, rolled his eyes as I walked into class. "James, talk to me after class" he said quickly, looking away from me as if I were an undervalued employee who was barely important enough to make eye contact with let alone deliver a full sentence to.

It bothers me so deeply that a new paragraph wasn’t started when this character talked.

"I have a note," I said. He ignored me, and continued his lecture on yet another topic that would not only be completely useless later in life, but wasn't even relevant for even a few seconds after the words left his mouth.

Why is this teacher acting like a petty teenager?

I’m deeply annoyed by this.

And yeah, it’s relevant. You have tests, you idiot. Take notes. And it’s also history, which is, again, relevant.

In conclusion, shut your mouth and stop bitching.

There was only 15 minutes left in the class, but I felt it would be more stimulating to integrate myself into the room to yet again study my classmates' behavior than to sit in a hall watching the rows of scum covered tiles inevitably slide off the decaying walls.

That’s a health code violation, friends.

Or Onion is an awful writer and he thinks describing a school like this is a good idea. My money is on that.

For as long as I remember I've enjoyed seeing how people move around and talk to each other, like they're all animals at the zoo.

Something is wrong with you, friend. Liking to people watch is one thing, but doing shit like this is something else entirely.

Uh, try sociopath-like?

Creepy as hell?

We’ll go with both.

I would try to deliver a more accurate analogy if I felt there was one

Bitch, there is. I can’t name one off the top of my head because reading this makes me feel like my brain is melting out of my ears, but I’m 100% sure there is a better analogy. Even though this feels more like a simile.

but so many of them seemed incredibly unaware of themselves, just living life as if it were some generic predefined routine.

Oh, and you’re so much better obviously, you pretentious bastard.

Sometimes I felt like an alien who had a VIP pass to submerge myself in primitive human culture just for entertainment.

Congratulations, that’s also what you sound like.

I sense everything I can take in around me. The seemingly limitless audible tones, tremors in the voices of growing children rang in my ears. In studying people, I found myself gradually learning to literally feel the various personality types I encountered.

Do you... Do you have psychic powers?

If not, shut your damn mouth.

I hyper analyzed every inconsistent smell, the seemingly random clothing styles, freckles, and assorted hairstyles filled my mind with questions. Trying to rationalize and understand what sequence of events led them to decide who they would become.

You are the most pretentious protagonist I have ever read. I’m half a chapter in and I already fucking hate you.

This character is so poorly written and immediately unlikable. i cannot relate to him at all and if someone does, I suggest you go get some help because how this asshole is behaving doesn’t sound human.

I took favor of categorizing most everyone around me. The socially inept know-it-all, the dumb attention-seeking drama kid

On behalf of all drama kids, go fuck yourself.

and the bleach blonde bimbo who gets overly defensive at the slightest hint of criticism.

Do you mean you?

Onion obviously didn’t let anyone edit this garbage.

Then there were the kids who just hoped no one noticed them at all. There was so much to be seen, to be considered and organized in my mind.

Mhm.

I don’t care.

Class had just ended so I walked over to Mr. Hanson's' desk &

And*

placed the tardy note down in passing. As I walked out with the rest of my class, he called after me. "James! We still need to talk!" I responded but continued to walk outside the room. "I have to be early to my next class! Let's talk tomorrow!"

You’re an asshole.

And I hate you.

I walked quickly down the hall towards my art class, which was awkwardly placed in a trailer outside my clearly poorly funded high school.

Um.

Okay.

On my way to the class a fight had already broken out between two jocks who, no doubt, both had controlling, iron-fisted fathers who brainwashed them into believing conflicts between men are best resolved with the bloodying of their fists.

That’s a bold thing to assume, dear Onion.

These kinds of men plagued my mind with wonder. I could not conceive a scenario in which they could justify their primitive & pointless mentalities yet they would always continue to perpetuate their self-destructive attitudes as if it offered the slightest legitimate benefit.

Oh, shut your pretentious mouth.

Most everyone nearby crowded around the fight. None of them likely cared who was winning, what it was about or how far it went. All they ever seemed to show concern for was their own amusement, always excited to see violence without having to pull out their wallets to pay for it.

Are you joking?

Where are the teachers?

This is complete bullshit.

This is high school, not a fucking fight club.

Does Onion even try to make this believable? Or is he just vomiting all over his keyboard and just accepting whatever nonsense that makes?

As the sounds of flesh collided fist to cheek & chest quickly followed the howls from the surrounding students. They would scream "Oooohhhh!" as if it were sincerely delightful to witness creatures like themselves suffer & fall apart before their eyes.

The use of ampersands is making me lose my goddamn mind.

Even if I had time to stop, I never really took pleasure in seeing strangers hurt each other. Most all fights seemed avoidable and were often initiated for a senseless reason.

Go choke on air. This protagonist annoys me more than any protagonist has. I’m not joking. Fuck this dickwad.

I know, you could say it's more complicated than that, I would like to think it were as well, but reality trumps the way I wish things would be. There's no sense in fighting it when doing so rarely helps anyone.

While this is true, this is worded in a way that’s so pretentious it’s painful and also in a way that paints this protagonist in such a white knight-y way that it makes me want to die.

As I approached my next class the image of Abbi's face illuminated the neon walls of my mind like a projector teasing a theatre screen with fleeting moments of depth & purpose.

That is complete and utter word salad. Stop immediately.

Ever since I met her, she had occupied a part of my consciousness; whenever I wasn't near her I missed her to an unrealistic extent. You could call my longing sad especially considering we had barely talked; she just had a strange effect on me, one no doubt similar to a willful addiction.

That’s called a crush, but the way that was just described is so creepy.

There are people in life which we pass by on a daily basis, barely aware of their existence, but on an exceptionally rare occasion you can find a person who fills an area inside your little world you didn't even realize needed filling.

While that’s technically not untrue, it feels like a lizard person is trying to tell me what having a crush on someone is like.

As I walked up the creaking stairs into my art class trailer I could see Abbi was sitting at her shared-desk, alone, same makeup, hairstyle & general appearance I had thought about repeatedly over the last couple days. She was drawing pictures on her blue-lined paper, distracting herself from the cold that filled the oddly glowing room.

This... This imagery is so fucking weird.

I smiled slightly trying not to be too obvious and sat down on my chilled metal chair positioned a few seats to the left in front of her. Glancing over, I could see she hadn't moved at all, I felt like she didn't even notice me come in.

You aren’t the center of her world, so yeah, she’s focused on something else. That’s just how it is, asshat.

I wanted to inspire some acknowledgment of my existence from Abbi so I opened my mouth to greet her when my fingers brushed up against freshly smeared gum under my desk. "Eeew!" I shouted out on impulse. She looked up at me with a blank expression.

I’ve accidentally touched gum on the bottom of my desk before, as I can imagine everyone has, but I’ve never shouted about it like a lunatic.

Bursting into the room came a group of boys. "Dude I think John's done bro!" one of the other boys laughed, saying "Won't see them for a week at least."

Nobody talks like this. Have you ever spoke to another human?

I looked back at Abbi to see she also didn't react to their outburst. Strangely knowing that her apathy was generalized and impersonal gave me comfort.

There needs to be a comma after ‘strangely,’ but whatever.

Her influence on how I felt was obviously dangerous but I didn't care as no matter how fond I was of the idea that I was not of the world, I knew my place and had no real interest in pretending otherwise.

Explain to me how in the hell that’s dangerous.

Jason, one of the boys energetically praising the fight they had just seen, sat in his seat next to Abbi. I smirked watching her shoulders shift away from him. Her body language sent a loud message that she had the same impression of Jason as I did. He was just another moron, placed on this Earth to live his life completely unexamined,

That word is not used properly in that sentence.

a pawn that had no awareness of its own role let alone that it was just another tiny component within a massive unstoppably twisted game.

Shut your pretentious mouth because that doesn’t make any goddamn fucking sense.

I know it sounds morbid and condescending but my attitude was just something that naturally developed the more I studied human behavior.

Bullshit.

I would be more optimistic but I find doing so would be like walking into a room with no windows and turning out the light. If you refuse to see the world around you for what it is you're just wasting your eyes.

Being optimistic means looking on the good side of things. You’ve heard the glass half empty or half full thing. it’s that. And as someone who jumps between optimism and pessimism, being optimistic isn’t like this at all.

Don’t try to be poetic or funny, Onion. Those are two things that you aren’t.

Art class was about to begin. My teacher, Mrs. Stanley, who looked like she should have retired a ridiculous thirty years ago, approached the front of the room talking about how art is sacred. She also discussed the random object she had us all draw the previous school day and ironically graded it by using her own narrow-minded definition of art.

That isn’t ironic.

I always wondered how teachers could even attempt objectively grading art. Is there any logic behind validating a form of self-expression using a cold black and white mathematical system?

It’s a class where you have to follow the curricula. Shut your damn mouth.

And this is coming from someone who hated her art teacher. But this art teacher was so utterly closed minded that she didn’t accept anyone else’s creative process. She basically told us that if we didn’t follow her process, we weren’t real artists.

"Today I'm going to place you with partners" Mrs. Stanley said as she pulled out sheets of paper outlining our activities to come. "To keep this simple, I'm going to partner you with the person you are currently assigned to share a desk with" she said. I sighed knowing I was bound to be paired up with Alex, a guy I had specifically asked to be seated away from ever since he peed in a jar literally right next to me under our desk, acting like he was so cool for publicly exposing himself while simultaneously urinating.

That... He expected to be treated like he was cool for this?

That’s fucking disgusting.

It happened weeks ago and I still can't figure out what kind of crazy it takes for you to, in the presence of people you barely know but have to see nearly on a daily basis, pee in a jar held in your hand just beneath your desk in the middle of a classroom.

At first when I read this, I thought that the wayit was worded made it sound like Alex forced James to hold the jar while he peed in it, but okay, whatever.

What then? You show it off like you will be praised and accepted as if it were an accomplishment? Alex, despite being borderline mental, was one of my least favorite people to study.

It is actually physically exhausting to read this shit. James is a pretentious asshole.

I couldn't help but feel there was some defect in his mind that invalidated the point of conducting a thorough analysis of him.

This just makes it seem like James has mind reading powers.

He was completely irrelevant when considering the realities of normal human behavior.

Behavior you don’t act according to, you lizard person sociopath.

As I was off on a tangent in my own mind I heard a familiar voice ring out, one that inspired the very same emotion you experience when a song you had forgotten you loved, randomly plays in the background of your daily life. "Can I be paired up with James?" her voice was just as I remembered.

Is this Abbi?

I have a friend who spells her name like this, so I really hate that there’s a character in this shitty book who shares a name with her.

Despite her having not spoken in class in some time, she hadn't changed a note. Abbi had interrupted the teacher just to partner with me, but I asked myself if was it really just to work with me or just to get away from Jason.

Um. Okay.

The teacher, looking irritated but understanding Abbi's discomfort with Jason responded "Alex and Jason, you'll be partners. James, switch seats with Jason" "Thank you!" Abbi said with a slight smile. With a cocky grin Jason stood up and in a comedic fashion smelled his armpit. "Wow, I didn't know I smelled that bad" Jason said as he walked over to sit by Alex.

That isn’t funny and Onion boy isn’t funny.

Approaching Abbi was no doubt a way scarier act in my mind than it was to everyone around me, I felt like my head was burning from the inside out.

That’s a little extreme.

Nevertheless I continued to remind myself that her public outcry to partner with me could have meant nothing. I sat down next to her and did all I could not to turn into a complete dork on her. She reached out and grabbed the project outline that was being passed out. Mrs. Stanley began to read the description of the assignment. "Today you will both be taking something meaningful, but expendable, from your own homes."

If something is meaningful it isn’t expendable. Stop.

Mrs. Stanley looked up and emphasized, "That you own!" then looked back down at her paper. "You will tear those items apart here in class. You will then take those items and, using the adhesives, staples and the strings available in class, find a way to create something new out of those possessions."

That’s actually kind of an interesting idea. But like. Maybe with a cup? I don’t wanna rip apart something I care about.

She looked up and said in a low voice sounding somewhat like Dracula "Two, will become one."

That is unnecessarily creepy. It reads like an innuendo.

Also, what in fresh hell does Dracula’s voice sound like?

Did she say it with a Transylvanian accent? I’m confused.

Jason raised his hand objecting, "All due respect Mrs. Stanley I'm not breaking something of mine for this class."

Jason has the right idea.

She replied putting her hands on her hips, "That's fine Jason. We'll supply you with a toilet paper rolls, we have plenty of extras around here." Jason suddenly looked disturbed and sarcastically spouted "Freaking great!"

Why???

That’s better than ripping apart a t-shirt.

Mrs. Stanley asked, "Are you sure? Your grade shouldn't suffer that much if you two just take Alex's piss jar and tape it to a toilet paper roll. You're already failing this class."

What in the literal fuck?!

You cannot say that to students. No, you can’t say that to anyone.

Jason couldn't believe what she had just said

Same.

and Alex maintained an awkward frozen facial expression with his mouth slightly open in his normal weirdo somewhat robotic fashion.

"Oh my god" Abbi whispered under her breath with a slight smirk. I grinned uncontrollably; just seeing her amused was amazing to me.

That wasn’t really funny, it was just shocking.

I could hear a scream in the back of my mind reminding me my dorkiness and borderline obsession was escaping through my face.

It's not that I couldn't help being in awe of Abbi and basically every little thing she did, I simply didn't want to change how I felt. In a way, she was like your favorite song or book, you could pretend not to like it and in time with the right mental coaching maybe you would sincerely dislike it, but life just felt so much better embracing your condition entirely, letting all your nerdy admiration flow freely.

This just reads like an obsession. I don’t have the energy to actually express how romantic feelings actually feel, but this is terrifying.

Mrs. Stanley continued, "If there's anyone else who has an issue, please take it up with my 1800 number which is?" She put her hand up to the air signaling the students to react but only a couple kids replied aloud with her catch phrase. "1-800-BOO-HOOO" they mumbled.

Sweet Jesus.

So this is what it feels like to lose my mind.

She continued, "Good, now for the rest of class please work with your partner on what you plan to bring and draw up a prototype sketch of what you feel your final piece of art will look like." Mrs. Stanley walked to the back of her room and sat down at her 1950's looking rust-infested desk.

Is this school just a giant health code violation? And what the hell do you mean by ‘1950′s desk?’ All I got when I googled that were pictures of wooden desks.

I would always laugh internally when I looked at the old thing. Maybe it was my way of coping with the fact I attended one of the most run down schools in the state.

I have nothing that isn’t full of curse words and fact checking to say here.

"What are you going to bring James?" Abbi asked.

This sentence is put so Abbi looks like she’s asking if James is going to bring himself without the comma after the word ‘bring.’ Did Onion really not edit his book at all? These are simple and fixable grammatical mistakes.

It was amazing hearing my name pass her lips but I had no time to think, if I didn't respond right away she would think I was totally awkward. "I... have no idea..." I responded. Smiling she said, "I'm going to bring my hamster cage", I asked, "Did he die or something?" she laughed, "No, I never got one, the cage was just a gift from my dad."

But you’re supposed to cut it up.

Hamster cages are made of metal.

Does Abbi just have superhuman strength? Is she going to bring a pair of bolt cutters?

"Your dad didn't get you a hamster... for the cage?" I asked.

My question exactly.

Sometimes you just...

You just gotta give your daughter a hamster cage but no hamster.

She paused and started to lose her smile.

Oh fabulous, she’s one of those characters.

At the first sign of her smile fading I felt a crushing pressure in my chest. "Hopefully you can find something that will work with that," she said. I couldn't help but feel like a total jerk despite not even knowing what I did wrong.

That interaction was so... Weird? Robotic? i don’t know. Something felt wrong about it.

I had the overwhelming urge to fix how she felt so I took a gamble, "Well, I could always bring that weird vibrating thing my mom hides in her drawers all wrapped up in a cloth" I said.

What is wrong with you?

I cannot fathom what made Onion think this joke was funny.

She busted out laughing hysterically as a huge grinned filled my face. I was so happy I could get her to smile again. "Eeew! James!" she continued to laugh as the extent of my grin began to stress my cheeks. I couldn't remember a time when I was this obvious about how I felt.

This... Something is wrong with just... all the dialogue.

And with the formatting. You make a new paragraph when someone starts talking. A 34 year old man should know this. He writes like me when I first started writing, and while this probably means he just started writing, I was 11 years old when I wrote like this.

He is a 34 year old adult. There is no excuse for how bad this formatting and how generally terribly written these interactions are.

Abbi's laughing trailed off and she paused. Turning to me she said, "You... you didn't actu- ally... your moms?"

*Pained groaning.*

I responded, "No, I wouldn't know about that, but I'm glad it made you laugh." She responded, returning to a soft laugh "You're more goofy than I thought James." I sat next to her looking at my fingers interlaced in front of me; my wide smile relaxed but still filled my cheeks with warmth.

This entire chapter, everything here, is so awkwardly written.

As class came to a close Abbi patted me on my arm. I turned and she handed me a note. Instinctively I put it in my pocket and said "See ya tomorrow", she just smiled and walked away.

????

On my way to my next class, I opened the note. I didn't understand why, but it read "NISEONE."

Not knowing what to make of it and with little time, I stuffed it back in my pocket to look over later.

Yeah, that’s cryptic as hell.

Not feeling like skating home,

Oh, we’re really getting into edgy 2000′s shit now.

I got on the bus to see all the normal rejects and misfits waiting. Davis, a short and scrawny kid who had been my best friend since middle school despite being one grade behind me excitedly waved me over.

Oh, good, more terrible characters.

"James! Nice to seeeee you!"

Oh, this bitch needs to die.

he said in seemingly the dorkiest way possible. I smiled as he stood up giving me the window seat, knowing very well by then that I preferred it.

Um. Okay.

As I sat down I began looking out the window, analyzing the little humans running left and right to get on their busses.

Buses*

And I am going to eventually kick your ass for this pretentious bullshit.

Something reached out and caught the corner of my eye. I immediately shifted my head to see what it was and quickly realized it was Abbi standing in the parking lot by some beat-up sedan.

"What'cha looking at James?" Davis asked. Without hesitation I began to respond, "Oh, it's Abbi, she's in my art..." my heart sank as I witnessed a boy I barely knew, named Seth, walk up and kiss Abbi on the lips.

Oh, boo fucking hoo. Get over the fact that she has a life outside of your crush on her.

"James?" Davis said, but by that point his voice was a faint echo in the darkness my mind instantaneously lost itself in. I felt like after a life of numbness I was finally about to truly feel warmth for the first time only to have it all taken away in an instant, leaving me hopeless in the shadows, alone once again.

Cry me a goddamn river.

You angsty pretentious idiot.

Don’t give me angsty word salad about how sad this makes you, I don’t actually care at all.

I looked down at my knees feeling as if I lost all muscle control in my neck.

That isn’t a thing that happens ever when someone is upset.

"Are... you ok?" Davis asked. I responded with hesitation "...I'm... just stupid."

You spoke to her once, you fucking dumbass.

"No you're not. You're one of the coolest guys I know!" Davis replied. I continued my silence as he offered words of encouragement. "Okie dokie, well, you're awesome and should be super happy so if you want to talk, I'm your buddy so... so I'm here to talk."

That’s uh, nice of him.

But the way he’s talking sounds like... almost mechanical? All he’s done since he was introduced has been compliment James.

I was too focused on the con- flict raging in my mind to hear anyone at that point. I couldn't think about anything but Seth kissing Abbi the entire trip home.

Oh, get the fuck over it.

That night my mom was literally just serving lentil beans she prepared on her crock-pot for the billionth time, a fair exaggeration but still, it was excessive to say the least. My sister was behaving as she usually did at the dinner table, talking about how stupid she thought school was and how she couldn't wait for college. "How was work mom?"

I mean, I’m also tired of high school. I’m really done with judge-y teenagers.

I asked trying to keep my mind off the haunting images looping in my mind.

YOU HAVE HAD ONE FUCKING CONVERSATION WITH HER. CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER, YOU BITCH.

Any normal person would express disappointment over the fact that a person they like has a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner in general, not go into a damn depression about it.

"Well, no one at work respects me or listens to me and I generally can't stand it, but you know, we still have food on the table" she said in a stern tone.

That

That is weirdly passive aggressive and mechanical.

My sister barked as food flew out of her mouth, "Well at least it's not high school. I'm learning how to be a successful person from a bunch of low-income losers."

Oh, I guess bitching runs in the family.

My mom replied "Whatever your teachers are, they have full-time jobs, which is more than a lot of people can say." My mom gave my sister Lisa a disap- pointed look. Lisa was well known for showing little respect for hard-working people. To her it didn't matter how much you gave back to society, it only mattered how much money you made.

That’s a very black and white way to look at things.

After the rerun of lentil soup I washed the dishes per my mom's orders and headed to the shower. I sat on the floor of the tub thinking about Abbi, barely feeling the water as it hit my chest.

Sat on the floor... while water hits your chest? Are you like sitting with your back arched so the water can hit your chest?

This imagery is so odd.

I was so consumed with what I had seen that I had completely forgotten the note until that moment. I quickly reached over to my pants resting on the toilette.

Why the fuck did you spell toilet like that?

That’s literally the word for ‘toilet’ but in French. It isn’t a spelling used in English. It just makes you sound even more pretentious.

Also, he reached over to the toilet to grab the note from his pants while he’s in the shower?

It’s gonna get wet, you idiot.

I had hoped I read it wrong the first time and that it would make sense with a second look only to see it read exactly what I gathered in my initial passing glance. "NISEONE"

I fucking hate you, Onion.

This literally looks like you scrambled your screen name up.

Die.

In a fire.

I mumbled to myself. I joked with the idea in my head that she handed me the wrong note but still assumed it wasn't a failed attempt to say "Nice one," which could be taken as a compliment if you were desperate enough.

That joke, while just a little funnier, is still fucking lame.

Seconds into looking at the note my eyes widened, having figured out what it meant, I jumped up slipping to my feet and screamed "YEAH!!!" I had cracked it, only to immediately after feel completely stupid for not having figured it out sooner.

I’m just done functioning.

My mom screamed through the door from her bedroom "WHAT?" I responded "Sorry! Nothing!" I hurried to finish showering.

I’d just assume he got really into jerking off.

I’ll see myself out.

Staring at my phone wearing only a towel, I smiled as I typed in "NISEONE" or "647-3663" into the number keys.

That is the most cryptic and strange way to give someone your phone number.

I assumed we shared the same area code otherwise she likely would have given me a longer sequence of letters and I was right. After two rings I got an answer. "What do you want?" a disgruntled man's voice asked.

This... This girl gave this guy a home phone number?

I guess that’s fine since this is probably set in the early 2000′s, but it’s still odd.

Like a bad engine struggling to start in a monster movie I clumsily belted out a response "I... uh... I was looking for..." An unenthusiastic female voice in the background said, "Give me the phone." "Whatever" he said dropping phone in front of her.

James can apparently see through the phone, or he wouldn’t know that probably Abbi’s dad did this.

"Hello?" I could recognize the voice now it was Abbi.

Trying to hide my excitement by maintaining a normal tone I said, "This is James." Abbi excitedly screamed

Like how girls screamed in Disney Channel shows?

That’s ridiculous.

and responded "Oh my god you figured it out!" Hearing her optimistic tone I laughed saying, "So... why..." She interrupted. "I was hoping to find out if you figured out what you're bringing to art class."

Why the hell didn’t you just fucking ask? Or give him your regular phone number? This is just unnecessarily complicated.

I said "Oh!" and looked quickly around my room. I couldn't see anything immediately so I just said, "I'll... surprise you!" She then replied "Oh come on, tell me." My eyes locked on to a plausible item for the project. "How about my... bear... I'll bring my bear!"

You’re okay with destroying a teddy bear? Okay, I guess.

I said. She replied "Oh, ok, oh! I have an idea. Instead of the cage, I'll bring in a stuffed animal of mine and we'll make like, a zombie bear."

Sounds fine.

I don’t care.

You guys are fucking boring.

I laughed "Awesome" I said. "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow ok?" she replied happily. I answered "Ok, byeee."

I would appreciate it if you would fuck off.

I can’t believe this shit is on GoodReads.

Just before she hung up I could still hear her laughing, leaving me with a sense of accomplishment and a lasting smile as if it were painted across my face.

That’s the end of chapter one?

Oh god, okay.

That was.

Terrible.

The characters are bland and flavorless and I cannot get attached to any of them. I can already tell I’m going to completely despise this.

I’ll see you next time. I need to go think about my life.

~Kat

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sole-cuore-amore-e-droga · 5 years

Text

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Iceland to Eurovision with a plan to end capitalism... with cakes!

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Meanwhile, in Iceland...

Iceland’s a peaceful nation, innit? So calm, so serene, they wouldn’t even want to squish a fly and would rather wish it a nice day if they were personified as a whole. Except that they’re actually not quite and firstly reacted rather massively negatively on the news of Israel going up for to host Eurovision 2019, even with 23,000 Icelanders signing a petition calling on the Icelandic national broadcaster to boycott the contest, and even the big Söngvakeppnin 2017 darling Daði Freyr signed it. I admire their courage but broadcasters are broadcasters and if they take proverbial decisions and later are fine with everything, I don’t see why wouldn’t try participating anyways, and THEN withdraw if there are issues with something, like last minute call from EBU to get their shit together with funding or a faulty national final contract...

Well, fuck your protests, RÚV said, and went ahead with another Söngvakeppnin edition in the works.

And boy I assume the protest was large af if only 10 entries ended up being chosen for the final cut... what was Iceland gonna do? Have 4 finalists in total? Well no, someone was gonna get a wildcard to round up the finalists in the end.

But enough about that. Out of all of those 10 acts, full of mostly okay songs, we saw a clear win for the ones and only - it's the anti-capitalist award winning techno BDSM bondage unicorn soft boy couple goals kids loving sprinkles and rainbows performance art project group Hatari that went and enjoyed their time in Tel Aviv already, with their kick-ass song, "Hatrið mun sigra".

And oh boy was it an exciting pick for Iceland. Do you remember their last year's entry? Well, this year Iceland decided to shit all over their love and peace mindset by presenting us with series of bold statements like "Life is meaningless!", "Happiness comes to an end!", "Europe will crumble!"... right after the year they were all about the choice we could make to help and to heal in different ways. Feels though as if we should have swapped the entries because with "Hatrið mun sigra"'s events coming to life, "Our Choice" sounds like an aftermath because with happiness ending, so are people's stabilities, and too many would indeed be dying in vain. And how the world is starting to learn all over again about the acceptance of one another, and all that. It truly is Ari in the streets and Hatari in the sheets. ;)

Let's take a minute to appreciate the entry itself though. It opens up with eerie buzzes, off-measure beat and a warning "huh!" shout, that leads us all into this beautiful musical kingdom. Its instrumental is badass. It's one hypnotic techno tune that could easily be used in a car commercial. Or a catwalk. Or a glorious boss fight in an 8 bit game. What makes it more unique is the vocal balance - Hatari's core force are the two cousins Matthías and Klemens, who created the band and recruited their friends to help them on tours I suppose, and now the friends are here with them in Tel Aviv. The thing that makes it somewhat eyebrow raising, despite being a damn fine techno piece, is the instant screaming of the lyrics in the verses (courtesy of Matthías) and the light angel-esque vocal sound that's kinda reminiscent of Sigur Rós's Jónsi (courtesy of Klemens). Yin-yang if you will. A subtle balance of the two, and even the Icelandic meme mother Morges pointed it out that if it were only Matthías's growls on the song or Klemens's falsetto, it would sound too much and people would be bored by it.

Other than this song being perfectly composed (even with including a god damn keychange) and making me wanna dance, there's an image tying it all together. I did say it earlier that one part of Hatari's many descriptions is BDSM and bondage. And this definitely is there on their imagery, especially on the Icelandic NF. The boxes, the choreography, the color red, the backgrounds... everything on here is life. The way Matthías gets one of the Hatari dancers by the neck at the very end of their NF performance is just... unexplainably flawless. Go watch it here.

Some might say that this whole thing is more reminiscent of AWS from last year, but this isn't quite true. AWS were simple boys with nothing much in mind for Eurovision other than to make a "typical metal show". Hatari are here with a proper message to dismantle capitalism. AWS were just fun, Hatari are both fun and condescending. AWS didn't really have all that buzz going on for themselves in the odds, Hatari are still sitting in bookies top 10 as of now. AWS didn't prepare anything shocking for the audiences other than playing really loud and the scream breakdown only coming in on the bridge of the song. Hatari is full on onto you with everything - the costumes, the words, and so on, and the screaming is already on with them verses. And Hatari have way more chances to be memorable than AWS by being completely outstanding in everything. We love bondage kings singing in Icelandic (the language's 2nd appearance in Eurovision from an Icelandic song in this decade, first time it happened in 2013). We truly do. (And so do I still love the AWS boys, don't mind me.)

So as a whole I'd like to say that I really, REALLY adore this. It's expressive, it's divisive, it's brave, it doesn't care if you hate it, it's there and it's divine. I didn't really piece my thoughts well together on this, but I will forever find a lot of nice things to say on it, after all this time, always. ♡ The whole team and the whole marketing from Iceland Music News is perfect. The song is perfect. The composition is perfect. The chorus and the chorus lyrics are love. The performance... could use some good camerawork, but still. I'm crying at how much this is beautiful. Iceland's alternative scene is banging and them finally submitting something from one of its many outskirts among all of those pop songs is a victory on its own. Love, love, love Hatari. I bow down to these great people for existing and ending up on Eurovision.

Now tell me, how are you not going to love a band that was noticed by Icethony Landtano himself? ★

And how are you not going to love a band that loves children? And cakes? If you don’t, then shame on you, really. ;p

Approval factor: no. ....... way I’m not going to approve this ;) I want more epic Iceland after that, too.

Follow-up factor: Actually, that's the best possible way of approval I've ever seen. It's a complete 180 of an entry jump that it's impossible to believe the angel Ari came before Hatari. Good job, Iceland! Keep going that good way!

Qualification factor: Well, this is a case of all or nothing, where an entry is so loudly and proudly different that you don't know exactly where is it gonna place. If AWS had some sort of struggles to qualify (they were 4 fucking points over Romania last year), so would have Hatari, but only if the televote doesn't give them enough love against the jury's hatred. But for now I'd remain extremely and utterly positive over the boys. =) The final will hear of that song about the dystopia, the power and powerlessness, the hope and hopelessness, and that if we don't remember to love, the hatred will prevail and the capitalism will overwhelm the world. (so I secretly hope for them to win too haha)

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

Honestly, thank you RÚV for making Söngvakeppnin 2019 happen despite the petition. I love it how a band with the most shocking atmosphere won - kinda embodies the feeling of most of this nation's about what's going in Israel and Palstine. But no more on that. I'll not discuss that anymore. It's highlights time:

• At this point, who needs NF highlights if Hatari are highlights themselves. ♥ I love a token unphased contestant - the one that minds one's own business by not being overly happy - in fact, most of the things that occured to Hatari are, in their own words, "according to plan"! So they're all like, "yeah we entered and thanks to us being here, we're definitely winning this, and will definitely win Eurovision after winning that". Them drinking SodaDream in their tracksuits and not giving a single fuck about the surroundings, especially after being announced as qualifiers to the NF final, was an absolute #mood. They even were amazing on a show named 12stig (where Icelandic NF participants are talking about what will they do in the NF, what will they do if they make it to Tel Aviv after winning, etc.), with Matthías basically serving as the spokesperson for Klemens's piece of mind, and then them both doing a hand gesture,.. Communicating through one's whispers being voiced by a mastermind. Sounds like a horror movie concept.

• And no, I didn't love Hatari only - there was this one joyful great love pop song bearer finalist Tara Mobee whose song I liked. Other favourite acts include this indie blues number by a Faroese madame Kristina Skoubo, a silly pop/dance perfection by Daníel Óliver and a country-ish flavoured folk-ish pop song by Ívar Daníels. Granted they're too tame in comparison to Hatari, but they could have been other great alternatives for Eurovision! Unlike the two returning artists that competed... Hera Björk being one of them... she signed the petition against Iceland in 2019 Eurovision FFS! and yet she's here with her mind changed??

• Ari Ólafsson returning for a both winner reprise AND an epic and unexpected take on "Grande amore", one of the beloved Italian entries. Can't believe that actually became a thing but... here you go I suppose? Flawless vocals. If anyone deserves to repeat their ESC stint from Iceland, it's Ari.

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• Other highlights of the final night were Yohanna reprising her 2nd placer smash hit "Is It True?" 10 years later and even doing an Icelandic "Shallow" cover with the hosts ❤ and even Selma from Jerusalem 1999 fame came on the show too, but only in the green room!

• That one time I saw Friðrik Ómar (one of the two returning artist potential contestants) wearing a Freddie Mercury shirt ❤

• This honest to God mess of a performance and honest to God mess of a song. The song was a football anthem from 00s ripoff, the guy looked like Lil Pump and sounded annoying ("BLÆ BLÆ BLÆ"), the girls were salvageable, the chorus is cute and the performance? "So how many colors and dancers do you want?" "Yes." I hated it but 'twas fun I s'pose.

• I loved laughing at certain things of Söngvakeppnin, like the random insert of all the other contestants into ads and a lot of times I had to see the recap of all the (super)finalists. That's the only non-musical highlight I have aside from postcards, sorry Eleni. ❤ Your repeat performance of "Fuego"/"Tómame" from the Spanish NF and your trashbag dresses were still sleek tho.

Think that's all I'm gonna talk about. For now I would just love to end this by saying that Hatari might be scary, but children indeed love them (a lot of Hatari support posters in the NF were held by children, some of them teens even had bondage masks lol. Besides, 2 of the main members (if you count the band’s drummer Einar alongside the main members list) have kids on their own so it's understandable). Hatari might be impudent, but it attracts some people who love crazy in Eurovision. Hatari might be too political, but they're here in Tel Aviv to raise awareness, not to outright fucking protest - they know their goddamn limits, okay?? So for now, I'd just like to wish everyone involved in Iceland's entry the best in their life and to know that they contributed to one of the best things that happened to Eurovision. Only the eternal glory to the Icelandic lords and saviours. HATRED CAN AND WILL PREVAIL, END OF.

Oh and cakes!

#eurovision 2019 #tel aviv 2019 reviews #iceland 2019 #hatari #hatrið mun sigra #iceland

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tessatechaitea · 5 years

Text

New Titans #112

Don't you worry your pretty little head about Red Star's right leg.

I keep trying to organize my life so that I can read more actual books (as opposed to comic books which I'm not judging. I'm just differentiating) without having to sacrifice any of the other things I enjoy doing. What that generally means is that I wind up reading about ten pages every morning before going to bed (I work nights!). Which realistically means I need to do improve my time management if I'm going to be serious about reading. I have managed to read the first "book" of Alan Moore's Jerusalem but it's taken me a fucking long time to do it. I thought it would take me a long time because I was expecting a difficult read but I'm finding it enjoyable. Plus by the time I've finished, I'm fairly certain I'll be able to navigate Northampton with ease. I'm also wondering if all the descriptions of the characters' movements through the city are an encoded treasure map! Or, being that Alan Moore wrote it, it's more likely a spell to summon some sex demons. While organizing (and by organizing, I mean the main definition of organizing: moving shit around in a way that makes you feel like you're accomplishing something but really you're just engaging in an activity to forget about your mortality for awhile. Plus you can generally get some really fucking good dusting done), I managed to place all of the books from various book shelves that I have yet to finish reading (or that I simply want to reread) on the top shelf of the row of bookcases in my office. Jerusalem is first on that list followed by some books by high school friends (Rogue's Curse by Jason Beymer and Soy Rakelson's children's books that I'm willing to bet everything I own as well as my life and my mother's life on that they're black and white morality tales with a super conservative and possibly Ayn Randian view of the world). After that is There Is No Year which Doom Bunny gave me because it's supposedly a terrible book that I'm not sure he even finished and which I wanted to make fun of (but, hey, maybe I'll love it!) and the rest: Inside the Yellow Submarine, Trixie Belden Mystery-Quiz Book #1, Don Quixote, Gravity's Rainbow, Lost in the Funhouse (reread!), A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, And the Ass Saw the Angel (by Nick Cave!), King's The Wind Through the Keyhole (A Dark Tower book!), Crime and Punishment, Hey Nostradamus!, The Best of H.P. Lovecraft, The Lore and Language of Schoolchildren, The Boomer Bible (re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-read), Six Volumes of The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night (finished with one and a half volumes after owning this set for twenty five years!), The Holy Bible (currently reading for my Patreon), The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry (Second Edition) (because I need poetic context for the 20th century!), Only Revolutions, The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick, and The Familiar (currently just book one but there's going to be like nine hundred of them, so maybe I won't even bother!). Oh, and I just added We Learn Nothing (reread) and I Wrote This Book Because I Love You, both by Tim Kreider. I'll probably start with those because funny essays are easier to get through than anything by Dostoevsky, Danielewski, Pynchon, Cervantes, Barth, Joyce, or Sakelson! I mean Rakelson! Oh man. Rakelson would have a stroke if he knew I listed his name with all those postmodern authors! Not that they're all postmodern. You can figure out which ones are and aren't on your own. I'm busy reading New Titans #112 which must be good since Starfire is naked on the cover. Okay, almost naked. She is wearing a dickie and a belt. I know a lot of you just skipped that big paragraph while thinking, "Oh, la dee da! What a fancy book reader you are! Fucking virtue signaler! Or whatever the term for listing or showing off your reading list full of classic literary texts is! Seems like virtue signaler works well enough! Better even than what idiotic fuck nuggets use it for on Twitter anyway!" But maybe you missed the part about how those are books I haven't been able to get through yet! I've owned some of these books for over a decade! And I didn't even put The Collected Works of Gertrude Stein on this shelf because do I need to be reminded that I used that book more as an address book than something to read? Although I carried it with me everywhere I went for a year or two (which is why it's full of phone numbers and addresses!). And I really did want to read it. I didn't carry it around so people could think, "Look at him with that book! Who the fuck is Gertrude Stein? What a ponce!" Although to be fair, I did leave off a few books on my "to-read" shelf! But it wasn't because they weren't smart enough sounding! It's because they were comic books and also pornography and also also fucking hilarious.

One of my friends in the state department who learns a brand new language every four years or so bonded with me over Oglaf last time he visited. He was all, "I'm glad I know somebody I can share my love of Oglaf with and not be looked at like a completely demented perv!" Although I do look at him like he's a completely demented perv, I didn't need to admit it to his face!

I embrace my delusion that readers merely skipped "one" paragraph of my comic book "reviews"! This issue is called "A New Home" and my brain continued to add to that title with "o-erotic Journey." Mostly because of this panel:

Fairly certain "bamming" a baby is illegal, even in space.

The Titans (and I use that term loosely since the characters encompassed by that shorthand are Changeling, Red Star, Pantha, Baby, and Starfire) have been stranded on The Terraist's space station. That name probably could use a hyphen so you don't first read it as terRAIST twelve times thinking "What the fuck does that mean?" before your brain finally sees the God-awful pun and you give up, finally letting go of that last gossamer thread that's been connecting you to the reality you just discovered doesn't fucking matter. How can there be any meaning to existence when an editor greenlights the name "Terraist"? I'm sure Wolfman's pitch contained at least two dozen "Get it?!"s. Anyway, maybe most readers never even noticed, shrugging their shoulders at every single moment in which a comic book doesn't make sense because at least Starfire is practically naked throughout the last few issues! I have a theory that most people don't really absorb much of what they're reading in comic books. They tend to just love a character for some magic reason and stick with loving that character no matter what terrible writer winds up writing them. And at that point, they just ignore plot holes and inconsistencies and terrible dialogue and whatever the fuck Ann Nocenti does with her typewriter. They simply go star-eyed and gape lovingly at the drawn images of Dick Grayson's throbbing buttocks. That was a hypothetical sentence and not a memoir. Here's a panel with evidence that might lead to proof of my theory if I could actually interview anybody who read this comic book in 1994 and ask them, "Did you even notice this panel?" To which they would all probably respond, "No, I was distracted by the opposite page where you can see tons of Starfire's side-boob and I think one of her outer labia." Um, anyway, the panel I mentioned:

Damn, Marv. Beyond the Forest was nearly fifty years old at the time this comic came out.

To be fair to Wolfman and Changeling, I did an Internet search on "Whatta dump" (and, yes, I spelled it differently than Marv did) and the first hit was video of the scene where Bette Davis says the line. What's odd is that she delivers it flatter and straighter than anything I would have expected out of Bette Davis's eyes...I mean mouth. Gar's rendition of it is terrible! The way Bette says it, I would never think to spell it any way but "What a dump." But that's not the point! The point is how is "What a dump!" a immortal words?! Granted, you're probably now thinking to yourself, "Well, how did X and Y and Z become oft-quoted movie lines?!" (where X and Y and Z are actual phrases from movies and not just letters. But I'm not psychic so how should I know what terrible oft-quoted movie lines you were thinking of? Mine would have been "Seven schools in seven states and the only different is my locker combination" or "William H. Bonny. You are not a god?" "Why don't you pull the trigger and find out?" or "Ziggy Piggy! Ziggy Piggy! Ziggy Piggy! Ziggy Piggy!") I suppose one can't help what phrases the zeitgeist picks up on. According to the YouTube video of Bette Davis, "What a dump" is Bette's famous bitchy line from that movie I'd never heard of. I guess I just haven't traveled in the right circles! Although I have heard the phrase "What a dump!" Has everybody in the world been quoting Bette Davis all this time and I just didn't know it?! Was this movie the first time that phrase was ever uttered?! To think I could have known all of this if I hadn't been distracted by Starfire's side-boob and — I'm fairly certain — one of her outer labia. To shut Gar up, Starfire admits that she doesn't remember any of them and then she punches Pantha in her vagina.

Starfire punching Pantha in the vagina is funnier than anything that Pantha has said in the last forty issues.

After punching Pantha in the vagina, Starfire knees Red Star in the balls for no reason. Unless the reason is that she's been wanting to do that for a long time and her pretend amnesia allows her this moment! I suppose I'd fake amnesia too to get away from being a Titan. I've been joking about seeing Starfire's outer labia but is this it? Is that one of those things?

Is my boner proof that it's her labia or is my boner proof that I'm a comic book reading virgin nerd?

I can't wait for everybody to message me telling me how that can't be her outer labia because that's not where it would be and anyway this photographic proof I'm sending you is what one looks like! Then I can actually them and say, "Well, you can't know that for sure! She's an alien and maybe her outer labia is fully engorged due to Pantha back-fucking her!" Also I'd really enjoy some of that photographic evidence!

This is not what I would do with those photographs.

Garfield turns into another monster because he can't do birds and rhinos anymore. He lies on top of Starfire and then reveals something that destroys every moment in DC canon where Garfield turned into a rhino to knock some hugely muscled bad guy on their ass. He tells Red Star, "Hey, I may be big and ugly but my mass doesn't change! I'm not as strong as she is!" Well fuck me! The whole concept of Beast Boy has been based on a huge lie! Or at least scientific principles that make the character utterly worthless. Why the fuck would he ever change into a huge beast if his mass doesn't change? Wouldn't he always change into something small and fast to be most effective?! This revelation is one of those moments where DC tries to make their universe more logical but only winds up fucking up the entire multiverse. Red Star and Changeling knock Starfire unconscious and then tie her up which probably isn't totally rapey at all, even if the artist draws it that way.

Yep. Everything is just fine here! Move along.

Meanwhile on Earth, Arsenal, Aqualad, and Flash consider a proposal from the United States government to get the Titans to work for them. They consider it over a couple waters at a local strip club named Ding Dong Daddy's." I mean, the comic book calls it a "retro club" but everybody either gets a private lap dance or laid. It's hard to tell what Marv Wolfman was going for with this scene. Proof that the young cool Titan men fuck? Proof that women are only to provide relief for men's sexual desires? Proof that Aqualad should maybe think twice before saying "Hey guys! We came together!" when women are throwing their vaginas at them?

How long does Aqualad think a lap dance takes?

Back in space while the reader was away, Red Star and Changeling have managed to put a gag on Starfire and tie her legs together. That makes things less rapey, right? If not, I'm sure Marv will improve the situation in a sensitive and professional manner!

Oh come on!

Starfire remembers everything while Changeling whines about how he didn't get to kiss Starfire while she was tied up and scared and beaten and suffering from amnesia. Poor kid! Maybe next time! After regaining her memory, Starfire says, "X'hal! That was dick I saw in South America!" and I snicker like a twelve year old. The first decision Starfire makes after regaining her memory is that she and Dick should get their marriage annulled, if it even took which I'm pretty sure it didn't. If you were a fan of reading the letters pages, whoever the letter answer person was constantly kept pointing out that they couldn't be married because the priest blew up before he could say they were man and wife. But now Wolfman provides more evidence like how no paper work was filed and nobody signed anything (although don't you sign the papers before the ceremony?) Anyway, they're not married and probably never will be if the last twenty five years of reading comic books has taught me anything!

Snicker!

Baby has an idea to use The Terraist's satellite as their new headquarters and the government is all, "Okay! But you have to work with us on a minimum number of yearly missions!" And Roy Harper is all, "That number is zero!" And the government is all, "Yes sir! What a deal! We will pay you a salary, give you the satellite, and get nothing in return! Let's shake on it!"

Who the fuck is wearing The Flash's costume?! First appearance of New 52 Wally West?

The epilogue reveals Raven needs to rape the Titans so that they'll all give birth to Trigon's children. So it should be a fun few final issues before either this comic book was cancelled or I finally recovered my sanity and simply stopped buying it. New Titans #112 Rating: B. It was all kinds of stupid but I enjoyed making fun of it!

#Teen Titans #New Titans #DC Comics #DC #Comic Book Review

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shidiand · 5 years

Note

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

#tenco's story #freshlybakedspiderbread

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cynicalharmonia · 5 years

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Final - Is This Sound Art?

My final is called “Is this sound art?”

It is a collage that combines many concepts that we learned of in class. From John Cage’s take on sound, noise, and silence to the late 20th century masters of sampling all the way to the modern day vaporwave and glitch art scene.

I was influenced by dirt style, vaporwave, plunderphonics, Ryoji Ikeda, glitch music and art, acousmatics, Christian Marclay, James Tenney, Hugo ball, Amacher, and the internet as a whole. The visual (skit) format was influenced by Forcefield and early Fluxus performances.

My Piece very much has a lot to do with comedy and internet/digital culture. I wanted to make something that peeked back at my life so far and all the things I enjoyed growing up with (and still do today). The video is done in skits, sort of like a “Robot Chicken” of sound art. It is called “Is This Sound Art?” because I have a sense of humor and mainly because that is a very thing I questioned myself with while making this piece. It starts with me receiving a VHS that contains a collection of my past, told through various things I’ve enjoyed throughout my life, like video games, music, internet memes, anime, tv, and movies. It begins and ends with the tape, and the video in which I am watching begins and ends with heavy distortion. I very much enjoyed working with both Premier Pro and Adobe Audition to create this project; I learned many new skills and hope to improve my editing prowess in the future.

When creating the sound pieces, I later introduced gifs and stills that complimented what was going on, later I incorporated clips from movies and eventually one thing led to another and I was simultaneously making sound art and videos that were edited around the sounds. Through responding to one thing the other came along shortly. Most (if not all) the videos used are replaceable with other clips or stills if edited properly. The sounds created gave me a vision of the visual aspects that would better portray the very impact of what I intended the sounds to have in the first place.

I will post images of my project panel to help show the actual process involved in creating this piece.

Process:

One of the thing I didn’t get to go over in detail in class was the process and the lengths in which I went to to find fitting video clips to match my sound sample pieces.

Note: 95% of the video clips used did not retain any of their original material in terms of sound or were edited/transposed with other sounds!!!

(a perfect example of this is found at the 1:44-1:45 min mark in my video, in which you see an M40A3 sniper from CoD4 go off and seemingly hear the sound of a gunshot to go with it. This is in fact not at all the sound you are hearing (or a gunshot noise at all!), instead, I used a section of the recording of “Fearless” by Pink Floyd and added a reverb effect in Adobe Audition that makes it sound void and distorted to make the effect. (the same song is used at 0:58-1:01, and football chant section at 1:14 and 2:30 respectively)

Also, many video clips were edited to make it look like people/characters are speaking words in which my sound collage sample is saying, but they are just either examples of pure chance, like at the 1:17 mark, where it looks like you see The Hound from Game of Thrones singing “I’m Tickled Pink” by Jack Shaindlin. (He is actually singing....this.) Or they were intentional morphed into looking like they spoke the word, like the obvious one at the 1:20 mark.

I started my process by mingling together sounds and songs samples from various medias and in some cases spoken word. I then, completely separately, compiled a massive load of videos from various sources on the internet, and also recorded some videos myself, of myself, and from footage of video games recorded by myself. I then tried my best to fit my sound examples together to form separate “skits”, then I did the daunting task of editing the videos together in a way to make it look like it all fit together somewhat naturally!

Description (as seen on YouTube):

This is a project that I made for my sound art class! It combines themes we learned like plunderphonics, collage, acousmatics, and sound sampling to create something that is meant to be a revision of my past. I explore things that are important to me through: Internet culture + memes, video games, anime, TV, movies, music, and more! My main inspirations were glitch art, vaporwave, dirt style, and the core essence of what it is to be a sound sampler. I always ask myself: What is sound art? And to no avail, i get myriad of answers and descriptions. I created this piece to challenge the very question of what makes something "sound art" and what makes it just some plain old memified video found on the interwebs. This took me 3 days straight to create and I hope you'll enjoy!!

Samples: [Emboldened = Used for longest period(s)]

Sounds - From the beginning (some are used multiple times with varying degrees of effects/distortion/application)

CD Scratch sound effect (edited - later used unedited)

VHS Tape Hiss (used throughout VHS tape and distorted at beginning)

Voice Recording - “What is Sound Art?”

The Boredoms - Budokan Tape Try

dubbed.wav - (voice sample)

Footsteps recording - by me

Ambient noise of city recording - by me

Steven Connor: Photophonics - excerpt as text to speech

Lighter flick sound recording - by me

VHS Tape Insert sound

Static effect 2

Paper Rad - Welcome to my site

Hitting my TV recording - by me

Come on, what is this shit? recording - by me

Glitch effect(s) (I used about 7 of these, I will list the #’s used)

John Cage - Music of Changes

Me playing Violin in response to music of changes

VHS Static Noise

THX Sound

Glitch effect 1

Glitch effect 2

20th Century Fox Intro - Recorder Edition

Glitch effect 3

Glitch effect 4

Highly distorted pokemon noise

Error noise - subtle

Omae wa mou shindeiru (NANI?)

Chewbacca's Roar

Saya No Uta - Song of Saya I (Video Game/Visual Novel)

Sonic Youth - Green Light (barely heard underneath Song of Saya during seq.)

Junko Ohashi - Telephone Number (first awooo)

Windows computer error noise

Warren Zevon - Werewolves of London (second awoo)

My cat (Luna) meowing - recording by me

Pixar Animation Intro (used bounce sound)

“This Isn’t Sound Art!” - Voice recording of myself

Naruto - Sadness and Sorrow

WTF Am I Doing? - Text to speech (text to sing!)

“The thief was smart” from the YouTube Video, “Professor pwnage”

The Velvet Underground - All Tomorrow's Parties

Pink Floyd - Fearless (Highly reverberated/distorted during 0:58-1:01, and the sniper scene(1:44); I also used the football chants found near the end of the song at 1:14 and 2:30)

“What I am calling poetry is often called content” - Quote from R Murray Schafer - The Soundscape reading from class, Text to speech

Big Bill Hell’s (Fuck You Baltimore! excerpt)

Cheering crowd (stock sound)

Glitch effect 5

Korg-M1-Windbells MIDI sample file

Birds chirping (stock sound)

ORA ORA ORA - from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure (Anime)

“Because life doesn’t happen...But i’m making sound and that’s the important thing” Quote from filthy frank video.

Glitch effect 6

Helicopter.wav (stock sound) (used during Monty Python: Upper Class Twit of The Year part) - This is worth a watch :D

Leeroy Jenkins - Popular Meme from the video game: World of Warcraft

Glitch effect 7

I’m Tickled Pink - Jack Shaindlin

Vinyl Crackling sound sample

Hey! Listen! - Navi from the video game: Zelda

Asuka saying “Ehh”- From the Anime: Neon Genesis Evangelion

Cpt. Beefheart - Veteran’s Day Poppy

Radiohead - Fitter Happier

Avengers: Age of Ultron dialogue + ambience

ELO - Mr. Blue Sky

“Too many F****** People” - Recording of myself

Beeping censor effect

ARA-ARA

Who the hell are you?

Frantically writing - sound recording by me

Guided By Voices - I am a Scientist

The Grateful Dead - St. Stephen (used underlapped w/ “I am a scientist part-distorted into chime like sounds, also used at 2:01 more clearly)

Porky Means Business - Track from the video game: Earthbound

Call of Duty 4 Intro sound effect

“Aw shit, here we go again” - (GTA: SA Meme)

Nintendo Gamecube startup noise

Super Mario Bros. Theme

Dropping coins - Recording by me

Led Zeppelin - Going to California

Clannad OST - Roaring Tides II (Anime song)

Robert Johnson - Hellhound on my trail (used at 1:58-9)

Steins;Gate Opening (Anime; Used glitch sound from beginning)

Truck backing up beeping sound

Ally Kerr - The Sore Feet Song (used at beginning of the Halo 2 sequence in juxtaposition of Led Zeppelin’s “Going to California”

George Carlin - Advertising and Bullshit (”I call this piece...Advertising”)

Guided By Voices - Wonder Boy Poet (briefly behind “The Sore Foot Song”)

Door Stuck! Door Stuck!!! (Used video as media and mic chatter as audio)

Yawning - recording of me

Powerful goku vs the pursuer

To Zanarkand - Final Fantasy X

Lelouch’s Checkmate (Dub)

Galaga sound effects

TV static sound effect

Nautical Almanac - sounds from clip (further distorted/warped)

Mac death chime

Windows (PC) crashing sound

USSR Anthem played on Nokia 3310 phone

ZUNpet Test (Touhou video game music emulator)

Popotan Intro (eroge) (source of Caramelldansen meme dance)

“Help me” - Voice recording by me (reversed)

Rain ambiance stock sound

“Aw Shit” - Voice recording by me

Toto - Africa

Shion Laughing Insanely (Anime: Higurashi [a personal favorite])

The Doors - How To Touch The Earth (I AM THE LIZARD KING!)

VHS eject noise

VHS getting destroyed video

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ashadowstreak · 7 years

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An Update: What’s Been Going On With Me?

Long post ahead for those who care, you can read more after the break.

Okay, so I’m certain that you’ve noticed I haven’t uploaded anything Powerpuff related in about a month and a half. First and foremost, I want to apologize. I probably could have gotten videos on Secret Swapper and Rainy Day done by now had it not been for some of the things that I’ve been dealing with. I’ve had plenty of time to get those videos done but I’ve been getting discouraged as of late, and I feel the need to come clean.

One of those reasons that prevented me from getting work done was college. These past 2 semesters I had been dealing with terrible, terrible roommates who would belittle me and make me feel like crap all the time because of the way they treated me. I used to consider myself friends with these people, but for some reason they decided to change their mind and kick me to the curb because I wasn’t “worth their time” (to quote them) anymore. Every day I would get back from class only to lock myself in my room in isolation because it was the only safe place I had to escape those awful, awful people. I also had lots of studying to do at the end of April since final exams were coming up, so that took up a huge chunk of my time as well. However, I have since gotten home and have been taking it easy for nearly 3 weeks now, so I am no longer dealing with these specific problems. Those people are behind me and I never have to see them again, so they’ll no longer be an impediment in my everyday life.

Another major issue is that I’m still undergoing stomach troubles. I’ve been enduring some weird digestive problems ever since the first week of January and every doctor I’ve been to has been completely useless to me. None of them have even pointed me in the right direction and the only thing I’ve done that seems to have worked since the problems started is take a few Tums after each meal. I’m seeing a GI specialist in June so hopefully they figure out what’s wrong with me because I’m so fucking sick of feeling like shit every single time I eat something. It is so frustrating knowing that a few hours after a meal I’ll end up feeling so nasty and crummy that it ruins my night. It is so difficult for me to keep a positive attitude in life when nobody seems to want to help me become healthy again. For the past month or two I’ve been saying that I’ve been getting better, but I really haven’t been at all. The severity of the symptoms has decreased yes, but they’re nowhere near gone and I don’t know how I can keep living like this.

This also leads into my third problem, which is sleep deprivation. I stay up until some time between 11 pm & 1 am, that’s nothing new for me. But, my stomach problems sometimes cause me to stay up even later (once all the way until 5 am) because I can’t sleep with the discomfort that it causes me, and it ends up making me feel horrible for the entirety of the next day. This happens at least once a week, key words being: at least once. I can’t keep going on with this and need these stomach issues to be resolved.

So now we’re at four, right? The next thing that I want to get off my chest is my perfectionist attitude. Thing is, I want to work on Powerpuff reviews, I really do, but the aforementioned problems on top of the fact that I have other videos prioritized at the moment is making it very difficult for me to focus on them. Writing scripts has always been the hardest part of the video-making-process for me because I want to explain myself the absolute best way that I can. I don’t want to just shove out a sloppily put together video for you guys just to have it done. I’ve done that before; go back and watch my Sister Sitter review (a video I put zero effort into) and then watch my review of The Secret Life of Blossom (a video I spent hours upon hours on). The difference is impossible to miss. That’s the number one reason why they take so long.

Now as for point #5, I just started working again today. I go to work 5 days a week from 7 am to 3 pm each day, meaning that I’m losing a lot of time for working on videos so that I can make some money. For those who don’t know, I paint sidewalks/curbs/parking lots while at my job; it’s a very time-consuming process in which I spend several hours each day out in the hot sun watching paint dry. That’s my literal job description: watching paint dry. However, this isn’t all bad, for I spend the majority of my time painting off on my own where I can just think to myself & get lost in thought while I work. I plan on spending a great chunk of this time brainstorming new video ideas a well as things I’d say in any potential Powerpuff reviews, so hopefully this at least makes the script-writing process a little easier for me. But still, that’s 40 hours a week that I can’t spend writing/recording/editing.

Sixth, I have to admit that I’m getting a little discouraged. Okay I guess this can relate back to point #4, but the point still stands that I’m losing motivation. I see a bunch of other YouTubers, both big and small, putting out videos consistently, and I get upset with myself because I’m incapable of doing that. I used to be able to do that last summer when my videos were 3-5 minutes long, but I don’t really do that much anymore because I spend so much more time on my videos now. Sure, the Samurai Jack impressions are turning out to be around 7-8 minutes, but I’m just barely scraping by with those videos each week; based on the recording session that I just got finished with an hour ago, you’re probably going to be able hear it in my voice. I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me, maybe it’s just a bit of a rough patch or something, but I’m just not feeling it right now.

Now for part two of this post: I’ve got two big videos in the works at the moment as I’m sure many of you already know. Well, I want to show you how massive one of these two videos is that I’m currently working on.

Nearly 50 minutes long, and that’s with minimal editing as you can see in the image above. No added clips, no montages, no jokes, etc. None of these things have been added yet, it’s purely audio & timestamps; needless to say, this is an incredibly difficult undertaking that I have to deliver on, and it’s certainly proving to be a challenge.

I also plan on putting a hell of a lot more effort into the presentation of my upcoming Q&A video compared to the lazily slapped together video that I did for my first one. I want it to be entertaining for people to watch as a whole, not just something that people skip through to see their question and nothing else you know? I realize I can’t control whether or not people do that, but I want to go the extra mile if it means making at least one person out there smile.

I promise these videos will be out eventually, but I can’t promise a specific date for either of them because I have no idea how long they will take. Secret Swapper will be the next video after that, and then I should be able to get back to doing more ppg reviews. I also have two planned collabs with other YouTubers as of right now, and I want to contact a third person about doing one once I get all of this shit figured out. I have an idea of an episode that I’d like to do with them should they choose to accept, but I have a bunch of other reviews that I have to do first before I can get to that one. That’s the other reason why I’ve been so late to asking (if you happen to be reading this), I don’t want to discuss it now only to wait 2 months before we could even start working on it.

But enough about that. The impressions videos for C and CI of Samurai Jack will not be affected and should be out this week and next week respectively. Thanks for taking the time to read this incredibly long post (probably the longest one I’ve ever written), and I’ll try to keep you all updated.

#An Update #delete later

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dahniwitchoflight · 7 years

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Something kinda disturbing in Ace Attorney: Spirit of Justice that I feel the need to talk about

Not something I usually talk about I know, but there’s a certain character in case 4 I think, the one about Rakugo stuff (spoilers btw if you havent played it and care about the ace attorney series lol) that just.

has so many disturbing implications and when playing it with my boyfriend I got Very Upset about it cuz the actual reveal was very sudden and all like all the stuff before suddenly made sense to me all at once and i was like oh god and now I feel the need to make a post about it to be like I’m not the only one who noticed this right???

but basically warning for talking about disturbing content like severe child abuse and multiple personality disorder and sexual abuse esp so if those things upset you just warning there in here

but yeah lets just dive right into it holy shit Uendo Toneido what the hell happened to you???

theres SO MANY THINGS that point to disturbing things that happened to you when you were a child, but I have no idea if Capcom really intended to make this connection or make this that dark since in the case they never really go into his backstory at all at any point, not even why he has Multiple Personalities in the first place, and its not relevant to the murdercase at all, so its just, never touched upon or outright said but like, all of it fits together into a coherent narrative if you care to actually put the evidence side by side so theres no way it wasnt 100% unintentional but jesus christ.

Uendo was traumatically raped as a child. someone got him drunk and violently raped him, maybe even repeatedly, and thats where his MPD/DID and all of his alters come from. thats the only conclusion I can come to after everything about him that we know.

for one, this is a character that has multiple personality disorder with 4 alters:

Uendo, the rakugo performer, Patches, the jester, Kisegawa, the female courtesan, all adults and can share memories and front at the same time kinda, and Owen, the child who has separate memories and can’t front unless all 3 of the others do not

the first 3 are ones that are revealed when Uendo first reveals that he has MPD/DID, and for most of the case hes being accused as a murderer, with the first 3 protecting/hiding the fourth from the court at first

and firstly MPD/DID is already something that cannot exist without some kind of severe trauma happening in very young childhood, with the most common cause being severe sexual abuse that a child cannot handle on any level forcing the mental split into an alter that can handle it, so already just from that i know something bad happened to Uendo.

and one of the alters is a female Courtesan. aka a prostitute. so theres another point to the trauma and abuse being of a sexual nature, and I ain’t even close to being done with evidence pointing to something like that happening to Uendo as a child.

nextly in the case, the defense originally thinks 4th personality must be the murderer, since its a point made that they know Owen exists from other evidence and Owen’s memories are cut off from the other 3 Memories (with the first 3 all able to front at the same time and memory share, but Owen being a totally seperate one from the others)

but when he’s forced to reveal his 4th personality, its because the court mandates that they prove the defenses theory about Owen being unable to front unless the other 3 are unconscious by forcing him to consume alcohol to get pass out drunk since hes apparently a ridiculous lightweight, like he claims licking some off his fingers would make him pass out that much of a lightweight

its actually a baked good without about half a shot of uncooked alcohol in it thats apparently enough to make him pass out drunk, but the thing is its physically impossible to get pass out drunk from that amount, especially from a baked good which likely lost its alcoholic content anyway, especially because alcohol works on a physical level with your blood and brain and stuff, not a mental one and Owen the child showed no signs of being drunk at all immediately after, which highly suggests to me that hes not a lightweight, its just the taste of alcohol severely triggers him back into his trauma-child state.

thirdly, then its actually revealed that Owen isnt the murderer, but the witness to the murder, and god, the way that Owen is portrayed as absolutely scared and traumatized by watching his sister figure forcibly suffocate his father figure is awful, especially because hes so upset he cant remember all the details properly and is crying and shaking about the whole ordeal

and then exactly which details he blocked out over the course of the in-court therapy session just prove my point even more

A) like first he remembers standing somewhere, and merely seeing his dad also standing up with blood dripping on his face

B) then after some therapy digging, he remembers they were both lying on the ground and the blood drops make more sense

C) then after that is when he remembers that his sister figure is actually on top of his father figure straddling him and shoving dough in his face to suffocate him while bleeding on him because she accidentally got cut with a knife the dad guy was wielding

like the amount of blocking out to get from point C to point A is tremendous, and the fact that all the things being blocked out were the existence of another person in the process of straddling and murdering another person by pushing something into them, like when you ask why he would mentally block out those details and not other ones its becomes clear if you add the fact that as a child something very violently similar was done to him

and the only reason it was the inner trauma child that witnessed that and not Uendo the main fronting alter is because Uendo accidentally consumed alcohol from those very same baked goods I mentioned earlier and passed out in the same room, murderer just didnt think that this would cause Owen to come out, she just thought he was actually pass out drunk

but like, godamn, all of it is so, directly pointing to that one conclusion.

the fact that he has MPD/DID at all in the first place

the fact that one of his alters is a female prostitute

His unusal triggery reaction to the taste of alcohol, not the alcoholic content itself because there really wasn’t physically enough to do that

the way he blocked out certain details of an unrelated traumatic event because they were so similar to his original traumatic event/s

and I say possibly eventS because MPD/DID is what can happen after severe trauma. and one of the alters was a prostitute, suggesting that his brains way of eventually coping as a child was to create an alter that could handle what he was going through, aka repeated sexual encounters, something a prostitute’s whole job description entails

like holy fuck that is a seriously dark backstory for a character we never see before or after this one case that’s mostly unrelated to the larger ongoing plot of the game in the other cases

like Ace Attorney is not a game this dark and I have trouble believing Capcom really intended this, but its fits too perfectly to be pure coincidence and they HAVE made M Rated Ace Attorney games before. its just, never gotten to this level of dark, they only ever deal with murders and the occasionally theft, we’ve never had any dealings at all with any kind of sexual assault and even in this game its not delved into or relevant at all to the case Uendo is in

but anyway yeah I got really upset when Uendo’s 4th Alter was suddenly revealed to be a traumatized child and not the True Murderer like the whole case before was implying and hyping up because that was just too real too fast yknow. I was totally expecting the whole hollywood “mentally ill people are dangerous” narrative not something actually accurate to MPD/DID

edit*

prideandprejudiceandkittens replied to your post “Something kinda disturbing in Ace Attorney: Spirit of Justice that I...”

ok this is very insightful and likely, BUT kisegawa and the japanese idea of the "courtesan" (like geisha) IS NOT sexual. it isn't, really. japanese oiran (which is what kisegawa is clearly evoking) are sexual workers but their main role is to perform, they are trained under classical instruments, tea ceremony, calligraphy, etc. it's like a traditional display of femininity and much less centered around the whole "prostitute" part. just had to clear this up.

? I never said they were a Geisha or an Oiran, I said they were a courtesan/prostitute? I mean, they clearly are evoking the image of a prostitute with Kisegawa, but I never implied that that’s what a Geisha is. I never even said the word Geisha anywhere here

those performers like you said are elegant and perform femininity to entertain, Kisegawa is coarse and rough and female with harsh language and not presenting any skills like an entertainer (other than Rakugo like they all do) therefore Kisegawa is a female courtesan/prostitute?

#Ace Attorney #Uendo Toneido #spirit of justice #aa:soj #a lot of triggery content in here reader beware

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gyratingeonian · 7 years

Text

JANE: -Guess who's in the kitchen again? It's this gal. She's been occupying much of her time this way; it's largely to burn off anxious energy in waiting for the fated crew to arrive, but also because she just can't stand boring meals day after day.-

JANE: -She isn't baking right now, surprisingly. She's slowly cooking a nice pot roast for dinner, ingredients fresh from one of her many pieces of portable Crocker tech. Her apron reads "Hot Daddy"; an artifact salvaged from somewhere in the pantry.-

JOEY: =She'd been lying upstairs, staring at the ceiling for hours. It was hard being able to sleep soundly without the threat of being discovered for her human qualities, and at times it was hard to believe she had a family again. Mostly everyone all together and all in one place, too. She'd heard some quiet rummaging in the kitchen below until the vapors rose and holy shit, whatever it was smelled delicious. She's sneaking down the stairs like a kid on Christmas Eve, carefully poking her head around the corner.=

JANE: -She doesn't notice Joey immediately; while the food cooks, she's leafing through a business book she found on a shelf and laid out on the counter before closing it back with a sigh. There's not much point in studying business when the business in question is currently being run by an evil alien sea queen, is there?-

JANE: -She scans the room, and then double takes at a pair of eyes around the doorway.- Oh!

JANE: Good... morning? Not really, but I haven't made any breakfast yet. Sorry. I wasn't sure if anyone was up yet.

JOEY: =She finally came out of hiding and stepped the rest of the way down the stairs, smiling in greeting.=

JOEY: nah its fine im not usually up around this time anyway

JOEY: the jet lags been awful =joke=

JANE: The mysterious interdimensional portal-lag, you mean. Hoo. -It's not that funny, but she's trying to make the most of it.- I understand completely.

JANE: Do you like eggs and bacon?

JOEY: =She perked at this=

JOEY: you mean to say

JOEY: you guys actually have that here?

JOEY: =eyes the refrigerator= 8o

JANE: Well... Sort of.

JANE: I conveniently happen to have a very good storage unit on my person.

JANE: -She's already pulling out pans- How do you like your eggs?

JOEY: =when was the last time she had anything that wasn't grubloaf lathered in grubsauce?= JOEY: oh jane you dont have to go through all that trouble—

JOEY: =fusses.=

JOEY: ....

JOEY: sunny side up

JOEY: =she's WEAK=

JANE: -snrrrk- Me, too.

JANE: Don't worry. This is better than sitting around, stewing in potential doom scenarios. -she produces a package of bacon and cuts it open while the pan heats up on the stove-

JANE: And I could use some breakfast, too...

JANE: Shucks. All I've eaten this morning is a bite of leftover cheesecake.

JOEY: that wont do at all! heres to proper sustenance hahaha

JOEY: =she approacheth= it is only right of me to ask if you need help with any of this

JANE: Hmm...

JANE: Actually, I do need help with something. -glances over at her- I've been pretty curious about all this... estranged family business.

JANE: I just never felt like there was a good time to corral you all and ask about it. Actually, the image itself seems pretty rude.

JOEY: oh

JOEY: well... =she leaned back against one of the counters and sighed, laughing a little helplessly as she dragged a hand down one cheek=

JOEY: where to even start?

JANE: Perhaps the beginning?

JANE: As a genuine suggestion, not a sassy remark.

JOEY: =she glanced up at her and soft laughter replaced her expectant expression.=

JOEY: yeah thats always a good place

JOEY: we were little then

JOEY: dad was an explorer so he was gone often

JOEY: our aunt came to stay with us - mom jude tess and me - she had a baby with her

JOEY: bout a year later some people at her work did something that scared her off =she shrugged= and so she left

JOEY: i guess she didnt want us getting caught up in it but it happened anyway =Joey smiled, shaking her head= from that point on we got really good at camping

TESSERACT: =Soft boof as he comes wagging his entire body down the stairs. He smells FOOD.=

JANE: ... -She can sort of guess what that means, but...- Oh hi, doggy. -casually braces herself against a counter-

JANE: No bacon for you yet!

JANE: Um-- So you-- lost your home? Because of... a bad business venture?

JOEY: yeah—

TESSERACT: boof! =Whines up at jane=

JOEY: :O down tess

JOEY: you know better that that

TESSERACT: =WHINES again but lays his head down right on Jane's foot. licks her leg and looks up with those big puppy eyes=

JOEY: we couldnt really go back to it for a while but soon enough they left us alone and we got to go back

JOEY: guess they figured what could a woman her kids and their dog do? not much of a threat, you know

JANE: A... threat?

JANE: This sounds a little more dastardly than I was imagining.

JANE: Was it... you know... them?

JOEY: =she nods=

JOEY: the same people that have taken over skaianet

JOEY: it was our dad and aunts lifes work

JOEY: and they took it out from under them so easily

JOEY: =she ran her hand on the edge of the counter, just feeling the texture there=

JOEY: one day dad never came home

JOEY: i thought for sure because of his connections theyd gotten to him somehow

JOEY: not very long after that mom never came home either(edited)

JUDE: -at some point during the conversation, jude had come up from the basement, but when he heard the topic of discussion, he wound up lingering in the hall just outside the kitchen. hearing their skeletons get dragged out made him anxious, but it was important that jane knew exactly what they were dealing with -- what his whole family had always been dealing with. he runs his hand along the wall, awkwardly stuck in place.-

JOEY: but we claire-leys don't know when to keep our heads down and mouths shut(edited)

JOEY: jude tess and i went off for some daring do and picked up where dad and aunt jo left off

JOEY: it was better for me to think they were dead cause nothing can hurt you when you expect the worst, right? but jude flat out refused to believe that =She shook her head= he was so much stronger than me - bouncy little optimist

JANE: -Jane can't help laughing a little at that description, despite the story itself.- Well... you can sure tell you're related.

JANE: And... if you don't mind me saying so, I'm sure you gave him plenty of push he might not have had alone. -At least, when she met him, he hadn't really been outside in years.- I think it all works out.

JANE: But how did you end up... Elsewhere?(edited)

JOEY: we both had that effect on each other =she glanced down at the counter again= JOEY: it was a whole stack of things but aunt jos research to put it simply JOEY: its what they were after all those years

JOEY: or one of the things at least

JOEY: that research led us to the portal downstairs which in turn led to skaianet finding out jude and i werent so harmless after all

JOEY: =she shrugged her shoulders, but it was more like brushing off the uncomfortable feeling of that distant memory than to indicate something like indifference=

JOEY: they wanted what we knew and if it hadnt been for jude they would have gotten what they wanted(edited)

JANE: ... I have a feeling this tale is nearing its bitter conclusion. -She watches Joey, brows knitting with some concern at the way she seems more uncomfortable the further this story goes.-

JANE: You don't have to tell me all this if you don't want to. My curiosity isn't worth digging up too many bad feelings.(edited)

JUDE: -with an exhale, he finally moves to join them in the kitchen, eyes down cast but he looks up after he gets his hands on a cookie.- ...

JUDE: hello

JUDE: sorry for interrupting...

JUDE: and also for

JUDE: eavesdropping

JANE: !

JANE: Jude.

JANE: I didn't hear you creeping up.

JANE: ... I didn't mean that the way it sounds.

JOEY: =Her back was to the stairs and she turned, a smile lifting as she saw it was her brother. Wow. She has to get used to them being in the same place again.= hey...

JOEY: =she's relieved he was here. The events leading up to everything were easy to say, and of course on Alternia she changed up a few things to suit her trollsona's history. But she'd never gone so far to explain the separation itself other than that it happened. The fear of never seeing her brother again didn't hang heavy over her head and the past didn't hurt quite so much=

JUDE: -catching a glimpse of her smile, he can't help smiling too.- it's alright

JUDE: creeping is probably technically a good way to describe my... general movement

JANE: Well... as long as we're all agreed. :B

JANE: -drapes a paper towel over a plate and starts piling the cooked bacon on it-

JUDE: heh... -cookies and bacon... part of a balanced breakfast. he didn't think this through.-

JUDE: -also sweats because he disrupted the conversation, which makes it his responsibility to initiate it again.- ...

JUDE: so...

JUDE: bacon

JOEY: =she's staring at Jude, and it's obvious she's staring. Her smile is growing by the moment.=

JOEY: yes! and eggs!

JANE: And cookies, apparently. -gives Jude a GAZE.-

JANE: How do you like your eggs?

JUDE: -HOW YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS... FRIED OR FERTILIZED...-

JUDE: sunny side up

JUDE: to match my sunny outlook on life

JOEY: =she just...smiles at him. How can she not?=

JOEY: good answer.

JANE: -SNORTS-

JANE: I'm glad we are all still in agreement, despite serious flaws in your argument. -cracks another egg in the pan-

JANE: How are things going down there?

JUDE: well... none of my other long lost relatives have jumped out so

JUDE: uneventful, mostly

JUDE: which is fine I guess

JUDE: but I'm still anxious for the UU to get here

JUDE: I feel like they should be here by now

JUDE: what if something happened? maybe alternians attacked their ship and their technicians hacked into all their accounts, pouring over records of everyone's speech patterns to perfectly replicate them when they talk to us

JUDE: or maybe... it was never really them to begin with

JUDE: and they knew we were going to contact them

JUDE: and they've lured us here to back us into a corner and now they're waiting for the perfect moment to extract the portal and do away with us once and for all

JOEY: ...

JOEY: jude

JOEY: you know ive always trusted your gut

JOEY: even though those are a whole lot of maybes, maybe we should take precaution

JOEY: is there an easy way of storing the portal if we have to make a quick getaway?

JOEY: plus, if this place is as heavily fortified as it looks, shouldnt there be another way to exit the building than the front and back doors?

JANE: -She swears she's going to find a camera somewhere to stare in, just watch her.-

JANE: Maybe Jamison would have some ideas? Perhaps a rational suggestion or two.

JUDE: I've been able to store it pretty efficiently but

JUDE: maybe I should dismantle it for now

JUDE: if they do show up we can study it with them

JUDE: ... I've mapped out all the escape routes too

JUDE: I mean I found some of James' blueprints of the house but I

JUDE: also physically went around the house looking for exits...

JUDE: but more eyes help... my dad is really good at finding weaknesses in designs so yeah thanks for the suggestion jane

JOEY: theres no harm in taking precautions

JOEY: should we practice drills?

JANE: -SIGHS-

JANE: -slides eggs onto plate-

JOEY: hehehe you never know, jane!

JANE: Well, let's wait until after breakfast for the main course of hubbub. :B

JOEY: good plan!

JOEY: one should never act on an empty stomach :)

#in which how do you like your eggs?#euphobicgeotech #gainfulgumption

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thelowercasegimmick · 7 years

Text

YA Review, 8/8/16: Hungry by H.A. Swain

...is this even a real book?

If you’re familiar with this book, it’s probably because you’ve seen someone making fun of its premise. In short: this is a dystopia novel, and the element that makes the world dystopic is that there’s no food, and instead of eating, people take pills to get nutrients. It’s an easy premise to riff. If you go through this book’s GoodReads page, a fair number of the reviews are from people who have never read the book making fun of the premise. But I have read this book, and... holy shit, guys. The premise is just scratching the surface in terms of the sheer incompetency of this book. This is probably the worst YA book I have ever read from cover to cover. There are worse books that I’ve started without finishing, and I’ve read worse books of other genres, but in terms of YA novels I’ve read all the way through, the only one that could compete with this one in terms of sheer awfulness is Very LeFreak (2009). I legitimately feel at a loss to describe how unbelievably incompetent this book was, on every level imaginable. This is YA’s answer to an M. Night Shyamalan movie - I can’t even point to what went wrong, because there are so many deeply incompetent elements that it all just runs together into a big blob of terrible. I have a lot to get to, and I have no idea if I’m even going to remember to mention everything that made this book so bad. But this is my best attempt to sum up the unfathomable levels of awful that make up this book. Join me, as I embark in what will probably go down as the most negative review I’ll ever write for this blog, as I try to come to terms with the fact that a professional editor and publishing company actually allowed something this horrible to be released.

The only way I know to organize this review is to just give you my experience reading this book, as I had it. There’s no way to come up with a more intelligent and cohesive structure than that - you’ll experience each element as I did. Going in, I figured this book would probably be bad just based on the premise, but it was the opening lines that let me know I was truly in for a clusterfuck.

In the ghostly branches of a hologram tree, light winks off the shiny side of something red and round. I hesitate to reach for it. It’s just a projection of the past onto the present after all, but it looks so real that I can’t help myself. I raise my arm. My body feels hollow and slow.

“Hey, who are you? That’s not for you!” someone calls.

I try to tell this stranger my name, Thalia Apple, but the words burble up from my throat and pop like bubbles in my mouth with a taste that’s faint and far away. My jaws work, unable to grasp the last word sitting smugly on the tip of my tongue. So I pluck that red and shiny thing from the tree and shove it in my mouth, feel it slide down my throat then watch as it falls out of a perfect empty circle carved from my hips to my ribs. I try to snatch it before it hits the ground but it changes shape and flitters away on delicate wings, too fleeting to catch.

I recently wrote a whole essay on opening lines, and in my research for that essay, I read dozens of opening lines from YA books. And yet, this might be the worst one I’ve ever come across, simply because of how criminally incompetent the prose is. This looks like a parody of bad purple prose - the images that Swain is describing are just plain silly, even for a dream sequence, and she does so with some truly baffling word choices. Why does the light ‘wink’ off the apple? How can your entire body feel ‘slow’? Why does Swain seem to be comparing the experience of being unable to speak to throwing up in your mouth? Why is the word Thalia can’t think of sitting ‘smugly’ on the tip of her tongue? Why does Swain, in a passage trying to be as detailed as possible, skip the action of Thalia chewing the apple, leading me to picture her swallowing it whole like a giant aspirin? Why does the apple literally sprout wings and fly away? The entire passage feels like Swain knew she was trying to be fancy and descriptive, but she didn’t actually care about what she was saying. So the result is that the image feels like it was dreamt up by a ten year-old, and her word choice just exasperates the awkwardness.

What I’m saying here is, the writing is awful, from start to finish. Thankfully, Swain doesn’t spend much time waxing poetic, so most of the prose isn’t quite this unbearable. But even when the tone is neutral, Swain’s prose is still painfully awkward. And the dialogue isn’t any better - it’s stilted, unnatural, and full of cliches. Everyone talks in a somewhat didactic voice, always explaining, and Swain’s overly-wordy style makes for a lot of clunky exchanges. It’s so consistently terrible that I almost have trouble believing that a professional editor looked at it. If things like this were allowed to slip through the line editing, what kind of awful stuff was corrected? This is the kind of thing I would expect from an inept self-published book, and it’s legitimately distressing that there are publishing houses that allow this kind of content to be released. (Spoiler: That’s going to be a common theme throughout this review.)

The next thing that struck me about this book was how bad Swain is at writing characters and their arcs. Our protagonist is Thalia, and her character arc is so incoherent that I can’t help but wonder if Swain was just making it up as she went along, and never went back to change the early chapters. The bad characterization and bad worldbuilding are intrinsically tied together, so it’s kind of hard for me to talk about one without discussing the other, but I’ll try to stay on topic. At the beginning of the novel, Swain attempts to paint Thalia as a noble, righteous character, the only one who sees through the society’s bullshit. I say ‘attempts to’ because while I can tell that’s what Swain was trying to do, she does a terrible job of showing us what Thalia was fighting against and why she felt strongly about it. We’re told, for example, that she doesn’t participate in interactions in the internet-equivalent because they’re shallow and illegitimate, but we never actually see any of these interactions in detail, so we never end up feeling the same way about them that Thalia does. She just comes off as smugly anti-social.* Likewise, we’re told that her work as a hacker is noble and revolutionary, even though we only see her doing harmless pranks. My problem with this isn’t so much that she’s flawed, because characters should be flawed. But Swain never gives us any indication that we’re supposed to be critical of her actions. People go into dystopias with certain expectations, and one of those expectations is that we’re supposed to dislike the world and agree with the people who rebel against it. Without any indication telling us not to do that, that’s what the audience is going to do based on instinct. So when Thalia’s rebellious actions are underwhelming, it reads as a failure on Swain’s part - I could tell how I was supposed to feel about Thalia, but I never actually felt that way about her.

But then the second act comes around, and to my surprise, Swain decided that she felt the same way about Thalia that I did. Without getting too much into an overly-complex plot summary, Thalia is forced to run away from her family and go into hiding with Basil, a poor boy whose goal is to bring real food back to society. If there’s anywhere in the novel that I saw the slightest glimmer of potential, it was in Basil’s interactions with Thalia in the second act. Basil is a lot poorer than Thalia, and to my surprise, there is some attempt at an exploration of how this affects their dynamic. Basil calls out a lot of the same behavior that annoyed me in Thalia, and with a better author, this could’ve worked as an exploration of how privileged people’s activism is often useless to the people who actually need it.

But it fails for two reasons. First, this clearly wasn’t planned from the beginning - or if it was, Swain has such a poor understanding of her audience’s expectations that she can’t communicate basic concepts. Thalia’s actions in the first act are framed as legitimately rebellious, and the revelation that this wasn’t the case was a gradual realization rather than a twist. That just doesn’t work - the payoff doesn’t match the buildup. Second, when I talk about all this, you have to remember that Swain is a godawful writer and nothing ever really works the way she intends it to. Thalia doesn’t actually undergo any character change; this isn’t an arc that takes up a significant portion of the novel. It’s set up as an arc in her initial discussions with Basil, but after only a couple of scenes where it’s addressed, this thread is completely dropped. The last time we see it is toward the end of the second act when Basil gets mad at Thalia about the issue… and then apologizes to her and says he was overreacting. This character flaw doesn’t really inform any of Thalia’s actions after the first act, and by the third, it’s completely forgotten. This is what I mean when I say that Thalia’s arc was incoherent - there’s nothing that makes it fit together. In any given scene, Thalia’s characterization doesn’t have much to do with anything from previous scenes. Same goes with Basil, who starts out with a little development (it’s established that he’s angry about the world and passionate), but this doesn’t really inform his actions that much, apart from basic plot motivations.

And speaking of incoherent things, let’s discuss the worldbuilding. My first problems with the worldbuilding were twofold - first, as I discussed above, we were simply told a lot of elements instead of being shown. We never really saw what social interactions were like, and almost all vital information in the first act was infodumped in Swain’s awkward style. My second problem with the worldbuilding was how derivative it is. The other problem with it is how derivative it all is. You might think, based on the title, that this book would borrow a lot from The Hunger Games (2008), and while Swain might’ve been hoping to capture the same suspense and themes of revolution, it’s clear those weren’t her main influences. No, Swain’s main influence was obvious: Jennifer Government (2002). For those of you who haven’t heard of it, Jennifer Government is a near-future dystopia about the evils of unbridled capitalism. It’s really not a very good book, mostly because it seems to care more about action than putting any substance into its allegory. So you can imagine my dismay when I realized that Hungry’s worldbuilding uses a lot of elements from Jennifer Government. Like that book, Hungry has corporations as the villain (unusual for dystopias, where the villain is usually the government), and said corporation runs schools where people are indoctrinated in how evil corporations are. Also like Jennifer Government, Hungry puts a big emphasis on how manipulative advertising is, and both novels involve a revolution that turns out to be fairly corrupt. It’s not so bad that I’d call it a total rip-off, but there were definitely lifted elements. Swain’s major innovation is that in her novel, the major corporations issue pills to regulate people’s hunger, emotions, and hormones. You might recognize these as the pills that Jonas takes in The Giver (1992), except that there, they didn’t regulate hunger. So basically, Swain’s only real innovation is that there’s no food - everything else is either cliched or clearly lifted from better dystopias. In other words, the only thing Swain adds is the gimmick. I’m not even going to bother harping on how awful this particular gimmick is - there are lots of people who have already done that. The horse is dead, no need to keep beating it. What I do want to impart, however, is that this gimmick is the only thing original about the novel.

At least, that’s what I thought in the first act. Like the characterization, things sort of break down as the novel goes on, and by the time you reach the end of the book, it’s hard to see any connection between where you started and where you ended up. It’s hard to talk about this without spoiling, but in brief, in the third act, the allegory completely falls apart. I mentioned earlier that this novel had some potential in the character interactions. Part of that potential also came from the context that those interactions were in. Basically, there is more to why this world is so bad than ‘there’s no food’ - the evil corporation is selling the nutritional pills for profit, and often, poor people have trouble getting access to them without back-breaking work and being exploited. That could’ve been a legitimate exploration of a real problem. The privatization of basic necessities is a huge problem with capitalism, and the fact that poor people are exploited just to be given their basic rights is one of the biggest injustices in the modern world. But once Swain sets up this allegory, she doesn’t take it anywhere. In fact, the third act sees a change in setting that makes every single bit of thematic setup Swain did in the first two acts completely irrelevant. I can’t really elaborate without spoiling, but in short: the worldbuilding was sloppy, incoherent, derivative, and ultimately built to no thematic end.

And, finally, the plot. Well, in this book where the character arcs are incoherent, and the worldbuilding is incoherent, you can guess what my main criticism of the storyline is going to be. Swain seems to be flying entirely by the seat of her pants - in any given scene, it’s not clear what we’re building up to, and I usually didn’t even have the slightest idea of what the next scene might contain. Not only that, but the pacing was just flat bizarre. One memorably bad scene was when Thalia was arrested and put into a facility for correcting rebellious people. When this happened, it seemed like the next section of the novel would be interesting - it’s a great opportunity for an exploration of the world, and perhaps to meet some interesting characters. But no, it took less than ten pages before Basil had broken Thalia out of the facility, and the novel moves on as if it never happened. This is just one example of the various pacing problems throughout the novel. It tends toward a generally slow-ish pace, punctuated by a few incredibly rushed scenes that needed to be slower. Pacing should be used to build up the tension, and to emphasize certain scenes as more important than others. Swain doesn’t use the pacing for either of these purposes. She rushes through scenes that should be important, and drags on sections of the book that don’t feel important at all. And there’s no tension to speak of, even though the stakes were fairly high, because the plotting style doesn’t make it clear what the novel is building up to.

And then we get to the final act of the novel, and everything falls apart completely. I know I already mentioned this section when I was talking about the worldbuilding, but I have to bring it up again, because the last 100 pages of this novel was perhaps the most baffling reading experience I have ever had. The entire plot is essentially thrown away, and Swain starts a new conflict from scratch, for no apparent reason. This doesn’t contribute anything to the thematics, tension, or characterization. I wish I could talk about this in more detail without spoiling, but suffice to say, it’s some of the worst writing I’ve ever seen.

I know this review was way longer than my reviews normally are. But goddamn, there’s just no way to adequately sum up all the ways this book fails. It’s an overwhelming nightmare, and at some points, I even got angry at this book for being so bad. There were points where I legitimately wondered how a professional publishing company could have the audacity to release a book this bad and ask me to like it. This is one of the worst YA books I have ever read, and I recommend it to no one, unless you want a great example of how not to write a book.

*That, by the way, is the correct use of the word ‘smugly’. It should describe pretentious assholes, not words you can’t think of.

#ya reviews #book reviews #h.a. swain #hungry #hungry h.a. swain #dystopia #science fiction #young adult reviews #'10s books

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