#feels like we have no extended family and it's fucking me up a lot. im just glad im not the only one

[non-un-topo]

Why does instagram keep giving me videos about grandparents like does it want me to fall on the floor sobbing today

#they're all gone! none left now #idk what happened this week but i've been trying SO hard not to think about my nana at all #it’s just a constant don't think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it #i did have a really violent nightmare about her the other night. that fucked me up... #maybe it's because i talked to my mom and she mentioned her for a minute. neither of us know how to talk about it. #i literally can't even think about it i'll start crying. #should visit my partner's nonna and nonno... but i will cry. still we need to see nonno because he's very unwell. #i can't fucking believe i found out my nana died and then immediately went to class. #mentioned it to my professor and the whole class gasped and asked if i was okay or if i needed to leave. #but if i didn't go to class then i would have just been home alone... #crying in front of my favourite prof a few days later was... yikes. but it was okay. she felt like a grandma to all of us #she was sincerely sorry. esp because that class was called 'women and aging' #she spend the entire year telling us to ask the older women in our families their stories #and now i have none left. didn’t get to ask. #i don't know why i didn't call when i wanted to #i can't think about it #glad my mom told me that she feels totally disconnected to family too. bc lately ive felt very alone. #like my nana getting sick and dying brought them together but only for a short while. #feels like we have no extended family and it's fucking me up a lot. im just glad im not the only one

[amphitritebaby]

crazy rambling incoming

#i submitted my post botox survey yesterday and god. like im fucked. it was like list ur symptoms and what % theyve improved and every single #one is 0% #like its joever #and while yes i am happy that 1 its submitted and its over and now i can finally schedule a fucking meeting about sugery like. ahhhg i feel #like my symptoms Have improved in my head. like the oh its not actually that bad ur fine. (as i am typing this my symptoms are flaring up #when they normally dont lol) and like. im just so scared that i'll get to the doctors and theyll say well botox worked a lil bit. #but not a lot. so u can do more botox and extend this process #or u can get surgery which is faster but also SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE #and i'm absolutely Not complaining about having a choice obvs im very grateful that 1 my doctors are nice enough to not push me into the #more expensive option just because #and 2 im lucky that this isn't a more pressing issue #but god. with all of the ingrained self doubt and oh ur exagerating and the tough i out mentality i have #and with the fact that i'm not in Constant pain #its just in certain positions and stuff. i'm just so scared about having to make a choice between surgery and Not sugery because i Want #the surgery so bad if it fixes me but i just dont know if i have the confidence to say definitively Yes. I Want Surgery. when its such #an ENORMOUS financial burden on my parents. like a life-ruinning financial burden. #not like it would be life-ruining for my family #like we would be alright... just... i don't want to add that to their plate especially when they get all sad when i pay my own med bills #idk. anyways that was a huge rant and if u see me complaining about this on anon to my mutuals no u didnt

[pigfromchino]

since my mom has some trauma from being ex-mormon and ex-nazarene and there have been a lot of issues between us both in some held-onto beliefs and triggers, i've not been wanting to tell her explicitly that i'm converting until i'm able to move out and have a bit of stability and a better sense of safety

i do still want to be at least slightly open about this and sort of sneakily educate may family for the better so i've been using the "my friend" rule to talk abt my studies and its working hilariously well lmao

#granted i have no idea if i'm just a better liar than i think i am or if she's just that oblivious #i mean i did this before i came out as trans and i got hit with “if you said anything earlier i would have believed you :/” #and then she straight up refused to believe me for 3 years. during which i was comlpetely out to her and the rest of the family lmaoo #so theres a lot of ways this could go #also it'll be easier to actually go about the conversion process if i have my own kitchen and am not stuck in a teensy 3person split level #idk #i would also be safer in general once i'm able to get out-of-state bc as ive mentioned a few times before my extended family fully believes #-theyre the hillbilly mafia #i am literally named after my gay uncle who they brutally murdered & got way with it bc we have relatives in the wisco courts and a few cop #it was ruled an accidental suicide by auto-erotic asphyxiation and my granma told everybody he was in a motorcycle accident #he was covered in bruises and broken bones! the end of the rope was outside the room! #sorry i know that's triggering im just really anxious abt the whole deal #esp since when i came out as trans to them i got very underhanded deah threats for like a year (i was 15) #so i really DO NOT feel safe #my mom isn't like that and she loved my uncle but she's a sucker for the family and very easily manipulated #so i cant be sure she wouldn't tell them without my knowledge just out of guilt and traumatised co-dependancy #also i have an aunt and and unle who're avid collectors of Some Not Great Shit #like indigenous stuff and ww2 memorabilia #fuck i should tag all this #antisemitism tw #abuse tw #religious abuse #murder tw #homophobia tw #sorry abt the overshare i just gotta get it outta my head #but yeah the lifestyle freedom id have as well is gonna be a bigger plus. my own kitchen and safety from having to explain the cultural dif #theyve not spoken to us in a few years so i think (?) its not too much to worry abt now at least #im just paranoid lmao #rn since i live like 2hrs away from the nearest synagogue im just stuck doing some self study anyways #i found a few union 2nd shift jobs for good money i can apply to soon so im good there. i just gotta get my car situation worked out first

[quietwingsinthesky]

8 and 16 for the choose violence ask

8. Common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about.

That Dean would return Cas’s love confession

Okay no actually you know what. I’m gonna talk about that. Maybe it’s just me being deep in Aro!Dean land, but I’m not seeing it. I’m not seeing at any point in the show where Dean loved Castiel. And I’ve been looking, I swear, but I’m. There’s no destiel on my screen. There is a lot more sastiel than I remember but there’s no destiel happening on my screen! There IS a lot of Castiel clearly having Problems and Issues and Angst about dean, and. Zero doubt here there that that angel wants to fuck him. But I honestly can’t imagine any happy ending for dean that revolves solely or even mostly around a romantic attachment. That man is hardwired for family being the most important thing to him, and I love that. Aro!Dean wins again.

Other notable things include: headcanoning Sam as not queer/trans because he’s too boring. Talked about that. Weird fucking opinion to have. That Gabriel is not exactly as fucked up as the other archangels, especially when presenting sabriel as the Good Sam Ship as opposed to samifer. My dudes, did we not watch mystery spot, do the reading. Also. Also. Not acknowledging the really clear character degradation of Lucifer in the later seasons/attributing later seasons stuff to how he acts in s5, just a personal gripe because whatever, people can read him however they want, but I really feel like on a meta level you gotta talk about how these are Two Different Characters who just happen to have been jammed into the same character. Okay. I think that’s it.

16. You can’t understand why people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc.)

I do not like coffee shops AUs. Actually, it’s more that im Extremely picky about AUs that aren’t canon divergence, and will drop them immediately the minute I feel like I’m no longer reading about the characters I like and am instead reading about Generic Guys who say funny quips and then kiss. Which is not a coffee shop au specific problem but the frequency with which that kind of au attracts that writing means I have kind of been turned off from ever reading them again.

if you are writing Sam into your coffee shop au and at some point he does not drop some insane backstory about the time he was kidnapped and forced to fight to the death with a bunch of other college kids, you have failed at writing this au and I am banishing you to the shadow realm /j

The other thing that I do not understand at all, and this extends into a problem with canon, I’m well aware, is how happily people will accept the idea that Castiel is rebellious/different from other angels because he was just Made Wrong. he’s too Broken to be like a real angel. that all the other angels are mindless drones and Castiel is the one good one who could learn about free will, usually justified with it being that “his love for dean is what makes him special”, but even outside of destiel circles, this kind of thing gets very annoying lmao.

And it’s just. That’s wrong. The show might have decided post-s8 that it believed this about Castiel but it’s False and Bad. I’m gesturing wildly at Uriel and Anna and Gabriel and Lucifer and Balthazar and Michael and shit what’s that one angel doing pinball I love them, them too, and Castiel is not special!!! He should not be special!!! All angels have the capacity for free will, they are living under a terrifying system of suppression that has stripped them of their ability to use it and has taught them that when an angel does something they disagree with, killing them is a mercy! (See: the implications of that one angel healer in s9 + Uriel and Cas being sent to kill Anna for falling in s4)

CASTIEL IS NOT SPECIAL. STOP SAYING HE IS SPECIAL. THE CRACK IN THE CHASSIS LINE IS BAD TO HOLD UP AS EVIDENCE OF HIM BEING UNIQUELY FLAWED.

ahem. sorry. i like the supernatural angels. i think making castiel into some separate special being who is the only one capable of rebelling and feeling love and etc does a massive disservice to the heaven storylines and angels as a whole. i think the show’s choice to never have another major angel character who wasn’t killed off quickly/made “too evil” to redeem was a bad decision and contributes to this view of cas as Different and The Good One.

#ask

[moonlit-positivity]

I'll give you a life hack, there is nothing wrong with being a little bit "crazy" in the presence of someone who doesnt want to control you, use you, demean you, or take away your rights as a result.

Why do I say this? Because I struggle with some very hard traumatic symptoms. Paranoia, DID, situationally mute, and involuntary age regression, just to name a few.

In the past I've been stigmatized by medical professionals & also my family for this kind of stuff. And that's kinda shitty, considering my trauma history has some of the most abhorrent, dark, abusive shit known to human history. Im talking, shit that would make you vomit if you knew.

And in my experiences with living in a society that will glorify "murder all abusers" but will never actually acknowledge the fact that a lot of survivors exist & walk among them side by side every single day, most of society is not prepared to have a conversation on how to recognize & help a loved one who struggles with severe symptoms like this.

No. What we get instead, is a society that loves to point the finger at you and yell at you to get your shit together.

Which, is a huge fucking blow when even medical professionals are either not trauma informed & trained on how to recognize & help someone who has been severely traumatized, or they are trauma informed & just straight up don't care.

And in my life I have been severely privileged to have found a therapist who not only helps me manage these symptoms in safe, healthy ways, but who also cares enough to help me be patient with myself and recognize when I'm being too hard on myself for it.

And this... I mean... ???????

BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND ON A DAILY BASIS.

Because that is NOT what everyone else around me says!!!!

What the fuck.

So I guess more than anything I have come to realize. That. It actually DOES matter how the people around you view mental health, how informed they are about your symptoms, and how willing and patient they are to not only educate themselves but also help you remove the shame and humiliation when they hit.

Because, yeah, you know, ultimately we do have to manage our symptoms.

But HOLY FUCK DOES IT HELP TO HAVE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT TABLE. The empathy and compassion and patience that others can extend to you in return????? One of the most priceless things imaginable.

And I hope hope hope and wish wish wish that for literally EVERYONE who has to experience these types of things.

You deserve patience. You deserve compassion. You deserve empathy and understanding. You do not deserve to be shamed for your symptoms. You are a living, breathing human being. You can still be respected at the end of the day.

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #healing thoughts #agere #did #dissociation #dissociative identity disorder #trauma informed #trauma awareness #paranoia #symptoms #trauma symptoms #bpd #actually traumatized #actually borderline #anti psych

[cookinguptales]

There's been a lot of talk about the significance of how Guillermo was super impressed by the dowry, but im obsessed with the detail before that: Nandor is showing off his secret treasure that he'd kept hidden from everyone...until Guillermo somehow showed himself in even though the door was LOCKED. The treasure is Nandor's true Self behind his exterior aloofness/difficult-ness and the secret room is his Cold Dead Heart!!!! How did you get in there, indeed, Guillermo? I go insane every time I think about it. They really just casually put that revealing metaphor in there. Love to hear your thoughts

Honestly, both are details that I've thought a lot about.

First of all, the dowry. I feel like the dowry could go in a lot of directions, honestly. It was obviously a way to get the Djinn into the plot, but I feel like there's got to be more than just that. There was what Nandor said about modern women not being impressed by his dowry, cut directly to Guillermo being like WOW. You also kind of have to wonder where Marwa stands on the dowry that she's now apparently getting. Does she know about it? Is it something that she's been aiming for specifically? Would she prefer to take the money and just go to fucking NYU or something?

All that said, I also think it's very funny that like... Nandor... may not understand what a dowry is... Like the husband isn't supposed to give it to the wife, lmao. Typically, a dowry is paid by the bride's family to the husband, usually to provide stability and protection to their daughter as she enters into a new household. The one big exception is that a husband does give his wife a dowry... when he divorces her. That's when a husband pays a dowry; it's kind of like a form of alimony.

Foreshadowing...? Who knows.

It does also make me wonder if the dowry is going to get given away eventually in the show... I have some half-formed thoughts there, but I'll keep them to myself for now...

Now, for what you were actually asking about! I think the metaphor is so much fun and it also pinged me immediately. I think you're right to point out how easily Guillermo passed into Nandor's "locked room", so to speak. I'd also like to add that Guillermo got into this room that Nandor still thought was locked. It's unclear whether Nandor forgot to lock the door behind him or if Guillermo picked the lock, but either way, Nandor was surprised to find that Guillermo had already made his way inside.

I... don't think I have to explain to you why that's meaningful. I think that Nandor's bewildered to be realizing both this season and the last how much Guillermo has already wormed his way past his defenses. It's not just that Guillermo has gotten into a place that Nandor hasn't allowed anyone else to visit; it's that Nandor didn't even realize he was doing it. He has no defenses that can stand up to Guillermo, not anymore, and I think he's finally starting to realize that. Guillermo knows him too well. He can pick any lock that Nandor sets in front of him -- or maybe Nandor is starting to subconsciously neglect to lock them.

Does he want Guillermo to come in and he just can't admit that to himself yet? Or is Guillermo just a force of nature that can no longer be denied? Either way, what was initially an uncomfortable situation for Nandor seems to have gotten ironed out and he's quite comfortable sharing his treasure with Guillermo now. (See also: giving himself away as a gift vs. collaboration, communication, discussing options, and sharing the treasure.)

Plus, as for the Djinn... We have a priceless treasure here deep within Nandor that he didn't know how to use. Guillermo has had to help him every step of the way. Rubbing it, wishing properly, etc. And I think that probably extends to this idea of Guillermo helping Nandor realize parts of his own personality that he's never fully understood. He's helping him grow as a person, which is something that, lbr, Nandor desperately needs.

I mentioned before how interesting it was that they had Guillermo standing up above Nandor while they were figuring out how to use the lamp, putting him on a higher level than Nandor and forcing him to look up at him as they spoke, perhaps for the first time. The dynamics inside Nandor's innermost chamber are changing. :')

I am actually curious to see how far they push this metaphor, but so far it's really fun to talk about! I'll keep thinking about it and I hope you do, too. haha

#replies #wwdits #nandermo #wwdits s4 spoilers #don't get me fucking STARTED on metaphors fam

[jw-horror-stories]

hey i’ve been reading your blog over the last few days. i’m living in a jw family that’s seen as like an elite group because they’ve had a part in a lot of major things since it was founded. i’ve been questioning for months now about the faith and as much as i feel valid in my own feelings im now really scared my whole life up until this point has been wasted(17yrs)

to note, i personally identify as non-binary and somewhere between asexual and bi- which is awesome because a lot of jws in my life are transphobic or homophobic and those who might be catching on with me have a tendency to be very passive aggressive

im also autistic- so ive had do deal with my fair share of ableism

also i gotta mention- ever since i learned about evolution in school, i’ve firmly believed the evidence to it. i’ve frequently asked about this topic and others to other jws because there must be a rational explanation for why the belief in creationism etc etc. but ive only ever gotten “because god said so”, “you are denying the word of god! do you still even believe?” and to just pray and meditate (?!) it’s so fucking annoying

(TW FOR ABUSE)

my father used to be verbally and physically abusive to my mom and i. because of the rules they weren’t allowed to leave each other and he fucking traumatized her. apparently my extended family knew of this and did NOTHING because they didn’t want to respect the family arrangement- so they let me just get abused and suffer years worth of mental health issues

———

for the last year or two now i’ve felt like this wasn’t for me, especially because a lot of the rules we have meant i couldn’t get therapy and i couldn’t have friends and i had to stick in a small worldview. but i am so scared of losing the love of my family which i know will happen- my uncle got disfellowshipped and they speak like hes a blot on the family.

there’s a lot more but i’ve been rambling for too long. my only question is what does PIMO/I mean? i see it getting mentioned a lot but i have no clue what it means

thanks again for the blog!

.

#mod degurechaff #jehovah's witnesses #jwhs #jehovah's witness #jehovah's witness horror stories #submission

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Have you read any of the immediate pre-Crisis Batman run (1982 to 1986)? It's an underrated period, IME (including Don Newton, Alfredo Alcala, & Adrienne Roy doing some all-time best Batman art). I always felt the later '80s were a big step down, abandoning the complex character continuity of the Conway and Moench period, like the controversial triangle between Bruce, Selina, and ultimate Goth antiheroine Nocturna (later abused badly by Marc Andrekyo in Batwoman), and Jason Todd's adoptee angst.

I haven't read much, I'm afraid. the period I'm currently working through with my fearsome spreadsheet is everything post-Crisis up to the New 52, 1986-2011. it's not that I'm not interested in anything before that - I'm honestly very excited to go back someday and read through the Depression-era comics from the very beginning and subsequent wartime stories.

but, you know, when I sat down to figure out what I was going to read I wanted it to be at least somewhat manageable, and starting from a major event like Crisis felt like the most reasonable choice. it's not a perfectly smooth cutoff point - the first few issues after Crisis do still heavily reference Nocturna and her relationships with Bruce and Jason, as well as Jason and Selina having some very funny "you're not my REAL mom" tension - but it's as good a starting point as any for someone trying to get an extremely thorough grasp on modern Batman stories.

it's also worth saying that I'm specifically interested in this era of Batman comics because it's when the extended Batfamily really starts to take shape - Tim, Steph, Cass, and Damian all join the family in this time - and a lot of major character-shaping events take place - this is when we have major events like No Man's Land and Murderer/Fugitive, as well as major character shifts like Barbara retiring as Batgirl and taking on the role of Oracle, Jason dying and coming back as Red Hood, and Dick's run as Batman with Damian as his Robin.

(and Harold. we can't ever forget about Harold.)

obviously this is of interest to me because the sprawling, messy dynamic of the wider Batfamily is one of my very favorite things about Batman stories, and I wanted a solid run-through of watching all of these characters that I love come together, and also because I'm a grody little hater and 99% of the Batfam fandom on this website gives me ulcers and I want to be able to cite my fucking sources when I shake my head and mutter about how They Would Not Fucking Say That.

tl;dr I'm having such a hoot reading heaps and heaps of Batman and exploring comics history and culture that it feels inevitable that I'll backtrack all the way to the beginning eventually, but for right now I have a pretty specific purpose and know what I'm doing.

#batblogging

[sexystevebuscemi]

honestly this song resonates with me so fucking much it makes me think about....

...The Big Boy Incident. The House. That Night Before I Came Out. and The Way Dad Used To Be.

patience is divine / but that virtue is not mine / turn your cheek, gets ripped off / that's why we're given four

and how they felt all of Me came out of nowhere, as if everything that happened and everything i am/was suddenly appeared out of thin air in front of them. like they created something monstrous and wrong and didn't notice because they were never really bothering to care

this is how you spend life / amused by another's strife / makes me so sad / and confused / someone's pain, your leisure / can't explain sick pleasure / im so glad I'm not you

when I was hitting my head against things out of frustration and despair and my parents were threatening to have me put away. I was so scared and trapped I felt like throwing up, like rolling down the window and crawling out.

throwing wrenches gave a false sense of power / what started sweet will soon / turn sour .... you think it's your place to dispense justice / well I've been sent to judge the judges

listening to this song brings me back to that night sometimes, but instead of feeling despair im feeling Anger. They really saw me in that state and thought i needed to be threatened and interrogated?

i know what i said was upsetting and hurtful but I was so fucking scared and hurt and angry. I felt so trapped and under their control as always, stuck in that rotting house feeling myself lose my life to them and the mess.

who the fuck are you to discipline me?

The Big Boy Incident. the way we were trapped in that house with no outsiders no extended family no friends.. despite their lack of giving any kind of shit they had to exercise their Absolute Control. they didn't let us have a normal childhood and then when I couldn't take it anymore.... They dragged me back and kept me in. and put me under the microscope.

Type O Negative songs smtimes feel like they were written about me specifically, it's so rare for me to have THIS MUCH dredged up by an album let alone a song

But yeah this song is rly important to me in like. A fucked up, I wish I could be my own guardian angel kind of way.

And I've been thinking about a lot of shit in my past lately and how ..despite how far I've come, I'll always carry her with me. All of her, maybe especially the worst parts.

#please like if you read #uh. idk what to even tag this w #personal #Spotify

[magnoliamyrrh]

Omg my family members did that too my mother would literally comment on how cute my pussy was as a little kid cause it was so chubby 😐 and like grab my boobs all the time. My dad has cooled off now that I’m 18 but he used to grab my butt/ribs all the time every time I hugged him to complain about how skinny I was. He also made a lot of jokes abt how I was tryna seduce him/be his second wife just . . . yuck

??? okay so like. im not crazy and the only one. but also im fucking sorry

this shit is so fucking weird and creepy and deranged and i absolutely do not understand it. yea my mom always grabbed at my boobs too and made comments and it always just made me want to dig myself into the ground, the grandmother who didnt raise me did too and so did some aunts/extended family. meanwhile my dad was occasionally actually molesting me and whoring me out so like. not appreciated. and the grandma who actually raised me would make gross ass comments like the one above all the time and like. mess around w my pussy until i was like idk 5-7 like ??????? and the youtube video i was talking abt was this korean dad on this show and he was just openly talking abt essentially "playing" w/molesting his sons genitals for minutes on end until the kid would get uncomfortable and try to get him to stop. and the whole crowd was just laughing and being like oh that's so cute. it was absolutely insane to witness and the comments were all like,,, yea this shit is normalized and deranged. like what the fuck is happening actually. i wish i could bleach that shit out of my brain

and uf i feel u on that too, im sorry :/ . my stepdad did that shit until i turned around 18 too, and when i was a teen i started always wearing rly bagging clothes in the house bc it made me so uncomfortable. i still do that and being around him just makes my skin crawl a lot of times. like it should not be accepted for your dad/stepdad to grab your ass and make comments abt it why is the world like this

when our generation has kids were going to have to make such drastic changes in how we raise them we have so much bullshit in balkan cultures that just. cant continue. its so not normal that we grew up just being expected to take being sexualized by family as a normal thing

#once again asking. what the actual fuck is wrong w ppl. like what sort of cultural sickness is this how did this even start where did it #come from??????? i wonder if it has something to do w the child marriage and treating kids like property shit? #like maybe enough generations of girls being raped by adult men just. made them take it out like this on their kids?? and the whole thing #spiraled? i got no damn idea

[linharrdt]

if im really being honesttttt i think i hate like most of my extended family 🤷‍♀️ like legit

my cousin is in town staying at my work (its a resort) and she did it last minute and sprung tue fact that it’s my nieces bday on me all last minute and that p much messed up the plans me and my dad and sister were making for my sisters bday which is 3 days after my nieces bday

i already didn’t like spending time w my cousin bc last yr she spent some time w us while recovering from a surgery (i offered her a place to stay bc im a dumbass) and she spent way more time than she was supposed to here and stressed us all out really bad bc she gets super panicked easy and she kept picking at her surgery wounds and ended up having an issue and i had to take her to the er right after a long shift during peak season and it brought back a lot of bad memories of when my mom was in the hospital all the time while she was dying of cancer, plus the way my cousin was getting all super panicked and sobbing sounded a lot like my mom so that dug up a lot of trauma for me back then,,,

also last yr when she stayed at my work she caused a whole scene bc she lost her phone and i had to run around and try to find it i looked all across the building while she was being all panicked but thankfully someone found it, and then later she lost her daughter and i almost had to call the code for a missing kid across the whole building <3

but yeah seeing her again is dredging all these memories up plus the fact that she expected us to just drop all our other plans bc shes in town is so fucking annoying; her presence has made me so stressed i feel ill and it’s part of the reason i skipped class today; last year she made me feel so stressed i felt ill and my heart hurt like a dull ache and im scared to get that again that was worrying

Plus my work was messing w my hours and screwed me and a coworker over bc we were thinking about swapping shifts but it didn’t work out but someone that isnt even our manager approved it even tho my coworker didn’t accept it and now i feel like a burden

also i hate being such a downer all the time but everything has been wearing me down and it feels like ppl only talk to me if they want smth from me or they want me to do smth for them none of my coworkers really talk to me outside of work and i just feel like ive accidentally been growing distant from everyone

And another thing is that i havent had much money at all bc my checks have been short but i need to buy my sister bday presents bc my dad dropped the ball on that and i feel so bad that she was crying bc of my stupid cousins whole thing overshadowing her 20th bday i really wanna give her a great bday bc she always does really good w my bdays and i dont wanna let her down but ive been so broke and beaten down by everything and i feel so alone esp bc im a bit older than most of my coworkers and one of them called me old and short and it wasn’t a mean spirited jab but it hurt so much i dunno ive just been in a lot of pain as of late

#personal #so many things have been bothering me!!! #and ive been feeling ugli recently too </3 #bc ppl keep making jabs at me for petty reasons

[cheap-spirits]

“The high priestess walked onto the stone platform and raised her hands above her head. The folds of her midnight blue gossamer robe fell around her, and her white hair was long and unbound. An eight pointed star was tattooed on her brow in a shade of blue that matched her gown. Its sharp lines extending to her hairline.

“Welcome all and may the blessings of the goddess and all her gods be upon you”

- chapter 38 of Throne of Glass

(if anyone has the page number be a legend and lmk im listening to the audiobook for this) ((yes i paused after every sentence to get this right if its not the exact quote please dont yell at me im trying my best here)

BIG ASS SLEEPY RAMBLE UNDER THE CUT WITH SPOILERS FOR ALL SJM BOOKS

Uhhhhh 8 pointed star, blue priestess robes AND a goddess figure that has been described earlier as coming to this world through the wyrd to shape it. (Also possibly had been referred to as the mother but again sleepy and audiobook)

So this is the yulemas ceremony in the first tog book, iconic scene, buuut ive never seen anyone bring up this exact description before. Now i know its easy to just make connections out of nothing and who knows sjm might just really like 8 pointed stars and the colour blue but i kinda really hope that now tog and cc are confirmed to be connected (the og shifter world AND lidias heritage) that there will be more development.

Caaaaauuuuuuuse i want to know if the valg were asteri or if they were like diet asteri, i want to know how the mother connects these three worlds cause it absolutely is the mother that is mentioned as the goddess cause who the fuck else is it??? Most of the other gods and goddesses are mentioned by name and are actually from a different world (i also want to know more about that, what world did they come from are THEY the asteri????) i want to know more about the 8 pointed stars and how it fits into the tog world, we know the sisters both made the stars in cc and acotar worlds respectively but HOW DID IT GET TO THE TOG WORLD??? I want to know more about world walking, it was mentioned in lidias exposition dump about her lineage so that makes me think that aelin mastered it somehow and taught her descendants and lidia is a descendant but that also raises questions cause if i remember correctly (and im tired so im probably not please feel free to correct me) aelin closed all the connections to other worlds but then bryce was able to open a portal to prythian. BUT theres also the thought that lidia is from a different branch of aelins family tree that split off at an earlier point in time, but they also wouldve had to master world walking for it to be passed down in knowledge to lidia. (I personally think lidia is aelins descendant cause she gave the ring to the twins that is the ring aelin picked out i think….lot of potential misremembering here but i think the ring aelin picked was an emerald and i think thats the ring she gave the twins) I also want more information about the barrowhite becoming the underking, like how the fuck did they end up in CC and how the fuck did they end up in such a power position and just what??? ALSO the witches??? How are they so different in TOG and CC??? Unless theyre from different worlds but like where did the cc witches come from? Did they come from the ACOTAR world?? But still the description of the witches in acotar is so different to the cc witches and i just need more information. SJM please help i need more information i am begging im going insane i need MORE LORE!!!!

idk its all very confusing i really need to start taking notes when i read these books cause either im a dumbass and can’t remember or understand what happened or sjm has rewrote history and logic and honestly both could be true simultaneously. There’s probably more but like i said i sleepy and i have so much uni work to do and im on the first book, thank you for reading this if you got to the end, think i might crack out the conspiracy board over summer as a way to cope with finishing uni forever and becoming a real adult. ALSO if you read this please gimme your thoughts and questions to add to the conspiracy board that i absolutely will make but may just end up being in a sketchbook cause i have hundreds of them and boards are expensive

Oh also i think the single goddess figure with other gods below her is only mentioned in this book, i could be wrong (again i can only apologise i am ✨tired✨) but it had also been mentioned a few times in the og tog book

#big ramble #SPOILERS #throne of glass spoilers #a court of thorns and roses spoilers #acotar spoilers #a court of silver flames spoilers #acosf spoilers #crescent city spoilers #HOEAB SPOILERS #sjm spoilers #sjm theory #tog spoilers #tog theory #acotar theory #cc theories

[littlemaple]

just saw the news that toby keith passed today and

i may not have agreed with him on his worldview or whatever and some of his post 2000 music might not have been my favorite genre of country but it just

it feels like i lost a member of my family

i said as much on my facebook that his music features in some of my core memories but my family isnt the sentimental type and usually laughs at me when i get all emotional so ill put more of my thoughts here where they wont see it

two of his songs in particular are incredibly important to me, one being i should've been a cowboy and beer for my horses. i might not have grown up entirely on a farm but all of my summers and holidays growing up was spent on my aunt's farm and she always had music playing for her horses in the barn. she said they liked it and especially liked country music (bc of course they fucking did lmao). toby keith was one of the most played artists on country radio back then, so he was always kinda just there

in the early 2000s, i was still pretty young and hadn't developed much of my own personality yet. i just kind of mimicked whoever i was with so that id fit in and this extended to my family. but i always got on pretty well with this aunt, i think

beer for my horses had just come out on the radio and we all loved it. it was a smash hit, everyone loved this song, iconic of that era's style of country. my aunt had a jeep with no top and we just blasted this song driving down those empty country roads with our mcdonalds we had to drive all the way into town to get. it was a fucking blast

and i just remember singing should've been a cowboy with my cousins, so loud in the mudroom that it echoed off the cement walls. i dont have much of a relationship with any of my cousins and i never really did but we always sang this song and beer for my horses, which we thought was sooo funny, giving beer to horses (how silly! lmao we were just kids) and we all had country in our blood and wanted to be some sort of farmer, even i wanted to have my own barn with my own horses and goats and maybe a few chickens. i still do, of course, but ive grown up and know thats not a real option for me now. the thought of being cowboys was a mutual fantasy we all had back then

when i decided that i liked country because i actually liked it, not because of my family, one of the first cds my grandma bought me was a toby keith cd. im not even sure if she liked toby keith but she always let me bring that cd and play it in her car when i went to visit her. all of the dongs on that cd were excellent, i love this bar, how do you like me now, you shouldn't kiss me like this.... i still have that cd, at home with my mom mainly because i stream music now and dont own a cd player but it feels like a personal little treasure to me

because his music is so deeply embedded with memories of my family, of when things were easier and we were all younger and had more hope for the future, and the world was a lot less frightening, it feels like i lost another member of my family so im just a little bit sad today

thank you for the music and for being a part of my family. you fought a brave fight. rest in peace, toby keith.

[munsonology]

I won't key his car...just thinking about it.

And I have had 0 contact with the wife because, even though I used to babysit her and she asked me to my face if I liked him and I said no, she has a belief that I have a crush on him

Honey I could have had him if I wanted him

I try to avoid them but you know what? His extended family loves me. Like I see some of them pretty regularly because we work together (they actually helped him get his job where we work which like...you couldn't even get a job on your own shut uppppp)

I am waiting for him to get his...its hard af

Especially cause he's telling people I used to be close to how bad I am and then sharing MY trauma, like who tf does that if anything im not bad but a victim but somehow he words it in such a way....crazy absolutely crazy

Looking back i can see how he was a dick to me. Always calling me stupid and putting me down, I just never realized. It is INSANE.

I cant believe I was friends with him for so long

Anyways, im just doing my best to be me. Id the wife reaches out then I'd be willing to listen and help if she needs to get out, but otherwise I don't talk to her (which like I said I BABYSAT her i taught her so much and have these memories and this mfer goes and marries her like I know he knew her before me but I feel he really knows her because of me even tho he doesn't but if me and him were ever hanging out and she happened to be somewhere with her parents she would run up to me and it just grosses me tf out like you KNOW he knew her before 18) (also still tempted to share a throwback picture and be like "cant believe we were so young and now look at us" just to show people how fucked their relationship is cause people DONT KNOW SOMEONE I KNOW JUST FOUND OUT THEIR AGES AND DID A DOUBLETAKE LIKE YEA HE SEEMS IMMATURE AND HE IS BUT ALSO HES A CRAFTY SOB)

I'm just thriving. About to sign on my own home, making a lot of money, happy healthy flirty and single. I'm living!! He can be a jealous prick, im doing that shit!!

good for you!!! don’t stress yourself out over someone not worth your value and time. mo’nique said it best, when you do clownery the clown comes back to bite!

one of my closest friends befriended this guy when we worked at macys and i waited silently 7 months before he exposed himself as a dumbass.

and we have a mutual friend who i’ve waited 8 years to reveal that she doesn’t make good decisions 😭😭 and yes she’s my friend but also she’s messy and too old to be doing these things 🫠

like im just looking around like yall ain’t notice anything???? nobody peeped that but me?

#sav’s mailroom #sav’s anons

[maiverie]

🧀 anon joining the CIA as in Central Intelligence Agency??? 😲

AND NO‼️here we do not apologize for prioritizing our mental health and other things in life !! actually when i pressed "sent" my internet was cut off so i was kinda scared my ask was deleted/ u didn't receive it 😵

i live in vietnam !! (also for the record i didn't know u live in australia until i scrolled a bit 😗) AND NOOO UR VIET IS FINE! (most of the media i watch/ read is in english + limited social interactions so my viet is just tragic... and i literally live in the country🧍‍♀️(the "i'm turning into a white woman" audio is literally me 😭) like can u believe i only know abt the new slangs and all after downloading tiktok (DAWG THIS IS EMBARRASSING 😭😭)

TYSM cuz some of the majors i might aim for has literature in it and well over the years i've considered literature my #1 enemy... (it's literally a joke/ univeral knowledge in my family (+extended) 🥲) UR ADVICE WASN'T IRRELEVANT ‼️‼️ IT'S ACTUALLY USEFUL FOR PART 1 IN THE TESTS (where they gave you part of a poem/ a paragraph and ask you to analyze the method and ur thoughts on the message)

mùa thu ở đây mát với trời mây mây, đỡ nắng còn mùa hè ở thành phố em thì nắng nóng ko chịu nỗi luôn, mùa đông mà tối đi á gió nhiều, có mấy bữa em bệnh chỉ vì thời tiết đó 🫠

enhypen. that's it. that's the thought cuz 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 (heeseung singing despacito got me 😳)

à chị cũng đừng cảm thức áp lực về việc inactive/ active trên đây hay viết truyện nha, để tránh bị burnout/ mất động lực á 💝 (im sorry if this sounds like im forcing u 😭😭 i don't know how to word it but i hope u get what i mean 🫶🫶🫶)

- em anon ☆

EXACTLYYYY im like ?? HUH??? CIA ???!!$&@

also yep i’m in australia rn 😭😭 which means i’m far away from everything 😟💔 also OMGGG whereabouts in vn do u live?? :0 my dad is from sóc trăng and my mum is from rạch giá !!! unfortunately i was born & raised here so my viet is like questionable at best (but thank u anyway for the encouragement hsjdjsjsj) and it doesn’t help that i don’t have many viet speaking friends 😭😭 i rlly gotta brush up on my viet tho (i’m actually visiting next yr hehehe) and ALSO DAWG WYS YOURE LITERALLY FLUENT ???? NOT U SAYING ALL THIS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER I CANT 😭😭😭😭 AND HAJDJAA THATS SO FUNNY PLS EDUCATE ME ON ALL THE SLANG COS I LITERALLY DO NOT COMMUNICATE W ANYONE BUT MY PARENTS IN VIET SO IDK ANYTHING THATS LIKE YOUNG OR MODERN IF YK WHAT I MEAN 💀💀💀 i’ve tried to understand some but damn they’re complicated af like wth wdym gòy soq is supposed to be rồi xong idk if it’s just me cos i only ever speak viet to old ass people but like WHAT ??)&@$ it’s okay lucky i have u to guide me 😽🙏🙏

and omgggg no way??? so if not lit, what do u plan on studying for uni? :o ALSO AAAA IM GLAD !!! my exams for english were always the same 😭 they always gave us various texts and we just had to analyse + write essays on them so that’s what i rambled on abt devices and stuff BHSJDJJS

hahaha chị chỉ đi vn 1 lần (lâu quá r… chắc khoảng 10-12 năm? 😟). khi đó mùa hè, rồi chị kb đại sao mọi người mặc áo tay dài, nhưng sau 1-2 ngày chị mới hiểu đc mắy con muỗi ở vn là… idk … FUCKING RABID????? 😭😭💀 my GAWD chị ghét nhứt bị cắn con đó $@2@8;93&( đang nhớ lại chị bị ngứa 😭😭 aaaa thiết ha?? tội nghiệp em quá 😭😭 pls take care of urself 🥹💓💖🫶

ALSO OMG HAVE U SEEN THE NEW PICS FROM THEIR CONCERT IM SKFELFIEOIROEIRKDS (also IS HEESEUNG UR BIAS TOO??? idk if you’ve already told me or not 🫢 but it’s 2am here & my brain is half dead) also i’m not sure if you stan aespa or not but i believe they were recently in vn 🥹🥹💖

ALSO THANK U MY LOVE!!!!! aiya chị thương em quá nhiều so pls pls take care of urself and eat lots of healthy food MWAH MWAH 😽😽🫶🫶

#ask #@ : anon ♡︎ #em anon ☆

[sad-boy-mono]

Ima be whiny and rant about my morning getting ready for a roadtrip. Idc if I sound like a whiny bitch IM FEELING LIKE A WHINY BITCH SO

My mom said we'd start packing up the car around 10 (to quote her directly, she wanted to "haul ass at 10") but she didn't even get home from a doctor's appointment until 10:30.

I woke up at 9 anticipating we'd be hauling ass at 10 (I've been waking up at 1pm everyday for the past 2 weeks) and went to bed at 4 (not by choice) so I could've gotten at least a bit more sleep.

I'm already overstimulated cuz I'm tired and now more so cuz we're off the given schedule.

So much time just getting shit into the car.

A CD I got in May is stuck in my dad's car. My dad's car recently was taken into the shop for some repairs. My mom said she brought up my stuck CD. Is my CD unstuck? Nope!

(Also secondary rant but this CD being stuck has caused me so much more stress than it should. It was $12 so not a huge financial loss but it's also my favorite album and the CD is sold out. My family doesn't have a good way to listen to music from phones in our car cuz we don't have Bluetooth and auxcords always end up hella staticy so we use CDs and I was so excited to finally have some new music in the car but I got to listen to it once before it got stuck and won't even play music because my mom messed with it trying to get it out. And then there's the added feeling of when you're upset about something that isn't a big deal and you KNOW it isn't a big deal so you feel dumb about getting so worked up about it because it's just a fucking CD and you could probably figure out a way to download the album and burn a new one but you bought this one from an artist you love and want to support so now you just feel dumb and stupid and wanna cry everytime you think about it and WHY DIDNT THE REPAIR PEOPLE GET IT OUT DID MY MOM LIE ABOUT TELLING THEM? IM SO PISSED. SECONDARY RANT OVER)

I have much less space then I thought I would in the car.

I remembered I'd have to spend a lot of time around my cousins (not necessarily a bad thing. But my social battery is a constant 0%. Also I came out to my uncle as trans a while back and he reacted badly and I really don't wanna be around him :/)

We're on the road and I forgot how loud and bumpy highways are in this shit stain of a country (#americacore)

Also my mom smokes. The smell + open window being loud is not helping.

Did I mention the roads suck? Because the roads suck.

I'm crammed in the back and everytime we make a turn I'm crushed by my aunt's wheelchair.

I love my family so much like genuinely, but being around them is hard cuz they're always up here 📈 all the time and I'm always down here 📉 all the time so being around them is hard due to how our energies don't align for lack of a better term.

Did I mention the roads suck? Cause the roads really fucking suck-

I didn't eat this morning and am hunger. I cannot reach any of the food/snacks we packed

I spent like 30 minutes fighting back a meltdown low-key.

Having boobs is actually such an icky feeling? Like not binding was a good choice but when roads are as bumpy as there are here maybe I should've just worn a binder?

HAVE I MENTIONED THESE FUCKING ROADS-

I don't have the money for Spotify premium (#brokecore)

Also I packed my laptop and every moment it isn't in my sight I fear it is being destroyed viciously (it is literally at the top of the bag pile and surrounded by clothing)

Did my hair this morning and it just like. Wasnt working with me :/

HOW DO ROADS MANAGE TO BE SO FUCKING LOUD WHAT THE FUCK-

Anyways I'm excited for this weekend :]. I'm going to a powwow in my extended family's town and supposedly it's gonna be hella big. We're staying in an AirBnB and it has a lake n shit so we can go swimming n shit. I might have my own room? Idk tho if not I'll live. I got my headphones.

#mono stop talking #mono stop venting #vent #long post