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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

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AITA for "not making time" for my ex

So I (21F) met my ex (24M) at an internship I held last summer. We started seeing each other and things quickly developed into a full relationship. We spent a lot of time together as we worked 10hr days together 4 days a week and he always wanted to meet up on weekends. For a while every date was an overnight and our physical relationship began very quickly.

Fast forward a couple months and I moved back to college as I am finishing up my BA atm. He knew this going into the relationship and I made it explicitly clear that if he wanted things to continue, it was going to be long distance (its about 2-2 1/2 hours away). Shortly before this time he became extra clingy and angsty about me moving saying things like I never made time for him (our dates even prior to were never less than 10 hours) and when we weren't able to see each other for a couple days he would want to call and would want to talk for hours because he missed me even if I was busy or expressed that I didn't want to be on the phone as it is a very mentally draining task for me.

After 1-2 months of long distance, these problems got worse. Every time I saw him he would complain about not having enough time to do stuff with me and would often stay most of the weekend even if I would politely ask to have some time to do homework or just be by myself. He would say that he could help with my chores, homework or mental health time and didn't seem to understand my desire to do things independently. He kept saying that I wasn't letting him into my life enough and said that he hated the distance between us and wished he didn't have to drive so far. There were other issues that also kept piling on and eventually after much back and forth we broke up him citing that "he wasn't good for me" and things weren't working out.

During the month after our breakup I felt many things both guilty and sad but also a bit relieved as the fighting in our relationship had caused a lot of built up stress and anxiety that had pushed me to a very low place. In this time we had called a few times to discuss things and some calls went okay but others took turns and would leave me feeling hurt and confused. We had a meetup to talk in person about getting back together and I said for the time being I think we're better off as friends. He is someone I care a lot about and I do think that he has some dark shit to deal with and probably needs to seek counseling. I feel as if I have been very forgiving and kind but also acknowledge that I likely have some fault in the demise of our relationship as there are things I need to work on such as boundary setting and people pleasing.

Since this conversation many things have happened that complicate matters and I honestly feel a bit lost. There are times it feels like we could have a new beginning and others where all the old issues come screaming back into my face. I've said I don't want to be in a relationship with him right now and need time to work through things and he wants to keep up the physical part of our relationship as he sees that as something that didn't need fixing.

Recently we met up and I had set plans with my friends before and after we saw each other. He showed up mad that I had set plans with other people on the day that we had time together since it made things feel rushed and he wanted to actually be able to spend time with me. This ended up blowing up into an argument and he told me to "grow the hell up" and also said that I "needed to learn how to be in a real relationship". These things were incredibly triggering to me as I am both younger than him and this is also the first relationship and everything that I have ever been in. He told me that he didn't appreciate the fact that I never wanted to make time for him and said that this was true during our relationship as well. He said that if I couldn't do it he had other friends that cared about him enough and that he shouldn't have even come to see me since it was clear that I didn't give a shit.

Now I feel so lost since I have even after our relationship never flaked on him and have been overly honest about my insecurities and everything even outside of the relationship. He is someone I still really care about but every time something like this happens I feel that he is not good for me even if he does really care about me in all the ways he says. It hurts so bad even because amongst all these things we still have really nice times together where we can just be around each other and enjoy each others company. I know that I cannot separate these experiences as they happen with the same man and all my friends tell me this is manipulative behavior but I also worry that I'm overreacting.

So AITA? (sorry for the long post)

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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rustbeltjessie · 4 months

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It has been a hell of a few weeks. (Putting the rest under a cut because there's a lot of hard stuff.)

First I had a CoViD scare (was exposed, tested a bunch, never got it, thankfully); then I got some writing rejections/found out I didn't win some writing contests that were a big deal to me, and that made me super sad. (Sometimes rejections and losses just roll right off me, sometimes they hit me hard. This time they hit me hard.) Then I was busting my ass at my money-making side-hustle to make sure I could afford birthday presents for my youngest kiddo and Xmas presents for both kiddos + my partner, and I managed it, but I burned myself out. And then I basically had a nervous breakdown—it started on December 20, I had a really bad panic attack, the worst I've had in about 20 years, it lasted for over twelve hours. I felt a little better on the 21st and managed to hold it together for my kiddo's birthday celebration, but then the 22nd it started up again. I got the shakes really bad, like I could not stop shaking, and was also dizzy, and even though I was like 90% sure it was 'just' anxiety, I started worrying it was something neurological. Which of course made the anxiety symptoms even worse. So I went to urgent care. The doctor ran me through all the tests they do to check for neurological problems, and I passed them all. They diagnosed it as an anxiety attack and got me to a referral to the hospital system's behavioral health center. I haven't had an appointment with them yet, but hopefully I will soon. I was diagnosed with both Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder (or w/e it's called now) like 20 years ago, and did talk therapy + had a prescription for Xanax, but I haven't had any kind of anxiety meds or any kind of talk therapy in like...over 15 years. So it's probably a blessing in disguise that all this happened, because now I'll finally be treating my anxiety again instead of just trying to ignore it. Because that uh...doesn't work. In the meantime, I've been keeping my caffeine intake really low, because while caffeine isn't the cause of my anxiety, it certainly doesn't help.

Then on Christmas Eve, I had a flare-up of my chronic sinus issues, and I took another CoViD test, because a lot of my sinus symptoms mimic various CoViD symptoms. But I was CoViD-free, and despite feeling half-sick for it, I managed to have a nice Christmas Eve/Christmas despite it. Those symptoms cleared up on the 27th, and I was like: "Oh, good, maybe I can have a relaxing few days leading up to my birthday." And then I got into a big thing with my mom, it's a long story and I don't feel like rehashing it right now, but we were both hurt and angry. Fortunately, we worked through it the same day. Since then, things have been pretty good, but...now I'm having the anxiety shakes again. I drank more coffee today than I have been lately, and that's probably why. (Note to self: don't do that.) At least this time I know it's just anxiety, so I'm not spiraling thinking it's something else. I'm drinking a bunch of water, then I'm going to make myself a hot toddy and hopefully finally finish this fucking installment of my newsletter that I've been working on for a month now. It's been kind of hard to focus on writing with everything else that's been going on. And my birthday's in two days, and I'm tired. The end.

#rust belt jessie #personal #anxiety #covid19 #family #bad things #small good things

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mr2swap · 2 years

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Grandpa Bruce's Vacation

My new life is fucking difficult but I don't regret anything, my name is … well legally my name is Bruce now but I still don't get used to my grandfather's name, but before my name was Sevastian, I used to give myself a good life together with him. love of my life my boyfriend Jayden, but when the patient felt that everything fell apart Every day Jayden was weaker and weaker and for more double shifts that I barely took and could maintain his treatment, he had looked for a lot of ways to earn money early.

I was always fucking handsome and I considered starting prostitution to earn some money, I was sure that with how hot I was there was a large line of people waiting for me to fuck them but when I told Jayden about it he just got angry, apparently not I was not happy with my idea of selling my body for money, so I had to resort to borrowing from my family to be more exact from the wealthiest member of my family my grandfather Bruce.

Without saying anything to Jayden I went to my grandfather's house and talked to him, he seemed really attentive to every word. I explained the whole situation to him, even how desperate I was to get that money that I considered prostituting myself to pay for his operation and when I said “ I'd do anything for Jayden. ”He put a really creepy grin on her fat, old face.

-Listen son you have moved me, I will give you the money right now, I just … I want something in return- I was so happy to hear those words from my grandfather's hoarse and aged voice until he told me the only condition -You see, it is very difficult to move these days with this huge belly and with age, I would like a short vacation IN YOUR BODY-

-In … my body? - I said a little terrified I knew completely what he was referring to, I had heard rumors of that strange clinic that had become so popular lately among celebrities, I looked at my grandfather from top to bottom he was fat, old and unpleasant I had not cared for his diet in years and just thinking about being in his greasy body made me turn in my stomach -I… have to Discuss it with Jayden- I knew Jayden would oppose such a great sacrifice but before I walked out the door my Grandma stopped me, put her wrinkled and callused hands on my shoulder and said - I'm sorry Sebastian but it's a one-day offer, take it now or leave it-

I never expected my grandfather to be so cruel as to put me between a rock and a hard place, I knew sooner or later I would regret it, but I could not refuse, Jayden's life was worth it, I did not have the strength to say goodbye to Jayden I knew that if he spoke with He even ends up telling him the truth on the phone or he ends up suspecting something, I just sent him one last text message -I love you very much, I got the money for your operation with my grandfather, I'll be back home to celebrate soon-

A few hours later I was sitting with a helmet pulled out a science fiction novel in my head that prevented me from seeing and hearing everything, the process was really fast and I did not feel anything, just a blinding light and a buzz that left me stunned by a couple of seconds and when the process finished I found myself sitting in a different room wearing an oversized triple t-shirt and with a belly so big and swollen that I couldn't even see my feet, I had become Grandpa Bruce. The scientists at the clinic explained to me that it would take several days to get used to my grandfather's old body, however my grandfather seemed to have no difficulty in controlling his new and young body, on the way to my grandfather's house he never stopped worshiping my body, he ran his hands over his muscular arms and caressed his new and hard abdomen as if they really belonged to him, if it weren't for the Uber driver not stopping looking at us he would have taken off all his clothes right there to masturbate adoring his new body.

It's been 6 months of that and I still can't get used to waking up every day in my grandfather's obese and disgusting body, I can barely walk a couple of minutes without getting tired with this huge belly that I have to carry every day, but not everything is so bad Jayden fully recovered from his operation and right now he and grandpa are on their vacation on the beach celebrating their recovery, my grandfather bruce avoids me every time he asked him if it is not time for their vacations to end.

But when my grandpa is in a good mood he usually sends me photos and videos of him and Jayden having wild sex in our old house, it's hard to admit it but I still get horny every time I see Jayden's face getting fucked by my thick cock and yes I am very lucky my grandfather's wrinkled little cock works again although it is very uncomfortable to have to use my grandfather's callused and fat hands to masturbate… I just hope his vacation is over soon.

I wrote this for my discord server some time ago, if you take a look at all my stories please consider supporting me on patreon.

#bodyswap #body swap #male body swap #body switch

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pbandjesse · 2 months

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My allergies are kicking off and I am exhausted. I had wanted to participate in house projects with James this evening but instead I have just been. Stuck here on the couch. Firstly I was freezing. Then I was just. So tired. Ugh. I will try to go to bed earlier tonight.

I didn't even sleep poorly. I would get woken up a few times. James pulled a lot of our blankets over themselves away from me. And I was cold. But it was fine. I was not thrilled about waking up but I was fine. I laid with James for a few extra minutes. But I would get up and things would be okay.

I asked James to make the bed with the. Blanket turned side ways so that we would have more length across both of us. And I hope that that works.

I would get dressed and felt okay. I really loved how my hair looked last night but of course it wasnt the same when I woke up. I sort of got it to a place I liked but I was still struggling today. I don't know what's up with me but I'm trying to be kinder to myself.

I left here earlier then I thought I would. I got a good hug from James before I left. And I got to see the pretty pink trees outside our house. Our tree hasn't bloomed yet and I'm curious what kind of tree it is. There seems to be a few of the pinks and them the rest may be the same kind but I do not know what kind they are. It will be fun to see how the neighborhood looks in different seasons.

I had a really nice drive to camp. No traffic at all. I listened to an album I loved when I was 12. And was just in a good mood.

I stuck to my morning plan and went to sweep top bar. Which took about a half hour. I flipped some mattresses and tried to make it look nice. And then I went to the office to go have my breakfast.

I would watch a TikTok that made me cry. About a girl and her dad having a really powerful connection over one specific song and he just passed away and it was just. A lot. I did not want to be teary when other people came in so I had to pull myself together.

Sarah would come in a little after 9. She had her own breakfast and we would start attacking our list of chores for the open house.

While Sarah would go work on cleaning the fort, I would design some table signs and then laminate then. The laminator did not work amazing but I ran all my signs through it twice. And headed out into the world.

I went over to the pioneers first and cleaned up the fire pit area. Moved the grill back in place. Fold red d the blue tarp. Picked up trash. It looks better. I also fixed a part of the fence and I think it looks good.

I would go and set up tables in the lodge. And clean the bathrooms. I was getting a lot done.

I started cleaning the signs outside. But I am short and could only reach half way. Which looked very funny. I got a lot of the green stuff off of the bottom halves though. And we would go with the gator later and I would stand on the back and we were able to reach two of the 4 signs.

I would go find Sarah in the fort. She was finishing up sweeping. I would help sweep the bathroom and we would finish up pretty easy.

We drove the gator to the Alaskans. I worked on the bathrooms while she swept. We had an excellent divide and conquer system and we got so much accomplished.

I would go over to tipis and picked up some stuff and tried to make it look nice. And since we were going to have our lunch break next anyway I texted Sarah I would meet her at the office. And I went for a little walk.

I walked down to the Glen to see if any of the frog eggs looked like anything yet. But nope. Still just dots. I'll keep checking. I want to see the tadpoles in there.

I continued the walk and went through and found some mushrooms and things and it was great. Just a really lovely walk.

I would have my lunch and me and Sarah both agreed we were so tired. So we took a long break before we would do anything else.

While I had my little break I would eat and watch videos. I did some research about cabinet colors to match with our pink wall. It was nice.

We would go back out and finished our last tasks. Used the gator as a ladder and cleaned the signs. We finished moving some beds. And I was proud of us for all of the hard work. We had lots of laughs driving around on the gator. It was a beautiful day. And even if I am feeling really self conscious I was still having a lot of fun.

We decided to go visit the horses. I hadn't met the new horse. And he is so sweet. We walked through the very muddy field and said hello to everyone. Have lots of pets and cuddles. And when we got to the bottom of the hill we saw a school bus pull up. And it was Aubrey! And she climbed the fence and starts walking and we're just standing there waving. And she finally noticed us and we were all laughing. We would tease eachother and walked up to her house together. She's a good kid.

We would head back to the office and checked in with Alexi about everything we accomplished. And it was nice that she was really happy with us and that made me feel nice. There was some stuff we couldn't do. Like putting the tent back together at homestead. But we did so much and I'm very proud of us.

Heather would ask me to design a job flyer. We need ropes specialists and apparently we are struggling to find them. I had fun making it and Heather would go in and change some of the copy which was fine with me, mine was mostly a place holder. We did laugh really hard when we realized that I wrote "flaying squirrel" instead of "flying squirrel" oops. Flaying a squirrel would be a good camp skill though probably.

I finished that up and when Heather said she was happy with it I was like. Okay! I'm going home! I will see you all on Sunday!

And I headed right home. It was a pretty good drive back, some traffic. Some people driving stupid. But I got home at 430 and got a pretty good parking spot.

When I got inside James wasn't home yet. I would bring the mail in. I closing s random Amazon package of pens? That neither of us ordered?? Very weird.

I went to put away some stuff. And found a jewelery box on the kitchen island with a necklace from James. That was originally supposed to be a Christmas gift but had gotten lost. But they found it and I was so happy. It's so sparkly.

I would go upstairs to take some photos of my possible outfits for Uganda. Which I'm still pretty unsure about but I'm getting clearer I think. And waited for James to come home.

When they got home they would play one round of their football video game. And then jumped right into tasks. I was kind of falling apart though. I got cuddled up on the couch and told James about the day. And they made me dumplings for dinner.

They would work on hanging the art I laid out some the shelf in the living room. And they got a lot of that done before the drill died and needed to be charged.

They would jump into painting the stairwell. And I would just be a little potato on the couch. But James said it was fine and just asked for my input when they needed it.

Now they are finishing up the hanging of pieces in the living room and it looks great. I'm so excited for how everything is coming together.

Now though I think I want to get a shower and get ready to sleep. Tomorrow I am hoping to go to thrift stores and possibly get the wood to build my skinny bookshelf. But we will see how the day unfolds. I just hope I can feel peaceful.

I have been feeling kind of stressed because I feel pulled in so many directions. Like I'm finally feeling better and so now it feels like everyone wants me to be doing everything and I just cannot. I need to be alone and I don't want to hurt my more extroverted friend's feelings. But man. I am tired inside. Walking around alone at camp today helped a lot. And I hope tomorrow helps too.

Sleep well everyone. I love you all. Goodnight

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sta7z · 2 years

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“I Hate that I Love You” Dark!Yandere! Nancy Wheeler x Fem!Reader )Part 1(

Disclaimer: this is a HORROR fic. And I do not endource the actions used here nor should they be replicated in reality. That being said, the warnings include:

Stalking gaslighting Spoilers for a book that came out in 1800-

꧁༺☽⛓ .♱. ⛓☾༻꧂

Nancy wasn’t one to be vulnerable. Sure she had a few flings with Steve and Jonathan, but it wasn’t until she saw you that she really felt something. Nancy wasn’t some lovesick fool, you weren’t perfect. No one is. But it’s something about you that made her feel… warm. But that warmth quickly raised to a boil when she saw you around other people. She wasn’t sure if she hated you or not. You made her hate everyone that came in contact with you. You were like a parasite, completely stuck to her, taking over her mind. You made her feel so… confused, that didn’t sit well with her. Nancy was constantly in control, there was a time and a place for everything but around you it was pure chaos.

꧁༺☽⛓ .♱. ⛓☾༻꧂

After school you went over to Mike’s House to play DND. About 2 hours in the phone rung upstairs and Mrs.Wheeler called you. “Your mother called, the teacher called saying you’re failing a class!” You huffed, you were never good at that class, but last you checked you had a B-… it was weird. You heard footsteps coming down the steps and turned to see Mike’s older sister. The two of you never interacted much, other than those weird stares she had been giving you for all these weeks. The two of you went into her room, she gestured for you to sit on her bed. “So, what is it that you struggle with?” You shrugged, “Grammar, spelling and semi colons and all that bullshit.”In all honesty you were a little scared of her. After the whole Will thing she changed, sure you never knew her before. But Barb talked about her a lot. Barb… maybe that’s why Nancy changed, you can’t judge a book by its cover after all.

After a few hours of studying you finally understood the topic and thanked Nancy. You were getting ready to leave when Nancy breeched your actions with her soft, yet demanding voice “Wait! Did you ever start the book? Frankenstein?” You shook your head. You were fairly good at reading things in a short time frame. Reading it so soon would only make you forget it later after all. But what’s a few more hours? Plus Nancy was… nice! Odd, but nice.

“For this I had deprived myself of rest and health. I had desired it with an ardour that far exceeded moderation; but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart…” Nancy read aloud. Me and her alike felt this, mutual fear but familiarness when it came to Victor Frankenstein. His creation, his child, a monster. One he made while blinded by the light of his innocence. Nancy looked really upset, so, you recommended stopping there and studying together tomorrow. She agreed.

꧁༺☽⛓ .♱. ⛓☾༻꧂

The next day at school, you questioned your teacher about why exactly you failed. “What are you talking about? You’re actually doing extremely well. After this essay, I bet your B- will go straight to an A!” You were happy, who wouldn’t be, but she called, didn’t she? You shrugged it off, mayhaps she called the wrong parent. The school was huge, it wasn’t that unlikely.

You went into the lunch room, thank god. 45 minutes of free time. You usually sat with the boys. But they weren’t there? Perhaps they were with Mr. Clarke, some science project probably. You peered around the lunchroom for a place to sit. You felt eyes burning, seemingly through your soul, you turned around to see Nancy. She wouldn’t mind if you sat there, right? Nancy wasn’t one for small talk, in fact she stayed silent as you spoke with Steve about the many hilarious ventures him and Robin got into during their summer jobs.

Robin, speaking of her… “Hey Nance!” Robin came, seemingly out of nowhere and sat on Nancy’s lap. Wheeler broke her unwavering glaze over to her. “Oh get off of me,” she chuckled. “Hey Y/N!” You waved in a reply. Right. They were dating. How could you forget.

#yandere nancy wheeler #Isaiah’s Idiocy #fruity four #stranger things x reader #nancy x reader #nancy wheeler #steve harrington #nancy stranger things #halloween time #Nancy x Fem reader #nancy wheeler x y/n #bisexual nancy wheeler #robin buckley x nancy wheeler

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paramorearchived · 13 days

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August 24, 2010

Transcript:

it's been long enough...

lordy, where do i start!? miss you guys. the honda civic tour has been one of the coolest tours that we've ever put together. not only because of the size of the crowds but the fact that we have been able to pull off a bigger show, with all the fancy production (never thought it'd happen!) as well as having a line up that is so diverse, i feel like there's a band for anyone and everyone who comes out to the show. we've been having a blast.

right now, we have about a week off of it. and i'm sitting on my living room floor gawking at the TV and everything that is blowing my mind on the new season of True Blood. total vampire anarchy. that's what's going down in my house today! if i could count all the times i've heard "f*** authority" in the last couple hours i'd be so punk rock, i'd hurt. but anyways, this season is intense. i can barely keep up! between this and dexter coming out in a month my spare time is all booked and busy. which shows are you into right now? anything i should check out? (ps, chad is buying the box set of Lost and i'm going to start that sometime soon!)

the weather at home is so perfect right now. i feel really lucky to come home to a place that is so beautiful. sometimes it's sad to leave and go out on the road, missing everything that happens here - but honestly, it's nice to miss the things that you love once in a while. so you never forget to appreciate it. hopefully, i can say this without sounding like a preacher but... remember to enjoy EVERYTHING. the things that feel good, the things that hurt, rejection, acceptance.. it's all going to make you better. stronger. and more like yourself. every once in a while i get a reminder of how much i'm okay with just being me. i know that sounds ridiculous. cause i'm in this band. we're lucky. we got successful. but who i am is still this nerdy, silly, flamethrower of a person. and it took me 20 years to see that and get it and love it. now, that i'm home for a few days, seeing some friends and spending some good time alone... with myself... i got one of those reminders:

found one of my old journals. from right around the time we were heading out on tour with NFG in the UK early 2008. i started reading it and couldn't help but cry a little bit. cause that person was really confused. and very lost. and as it went on, the person behind the pen seemed to get a little bit stronger.. that part felt good. it was the reminder that i needed that right now i'm as strong as ever. there really isn't a point to telling you all of this. except maybe i want to thank you. cause you are a constant reminder. that i'm not as lost as i once was.

okay, Hoyt from True Blood is cute and distracting. so i'm going to finish watching this episode. hopefully i'll be back soon! but definitely follow my tumblr if you want more consistent updates. it's easier to post pictures and what not from the road. ok. Hoyt. gotta run!

love you guys. SEE YOU AT READING AND LEEDS! hayley

#paramore #hayley williams #2010 #livejournal

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desert-hobbit · 5 months

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I am a notorious stoner. Smelling a little like weed has been something I’ve just come to terms with. I could give a lot of reasons I smoke weed, but none of them really seems to matter right now. I was sitting down for one last hit of my pipe, looking at the clock on my computer and knowing I was running behind.

I have office hours at 12:30pm, but I like to get there half an hour earlier. Wednesdays are my long days. I have my office hours, then a three-hour class right after, and I like a little time to get my own assignments done. That was the plan, after all. Get to my office hours with my head a little in the clouds, finish the presentation I had due that night, and get ready for the end of the semester. A little weed before I head to my office hours keeps me level-headed. I walk from my campus apartment to my campus office, and during the ten-minute walk, my head usually clears up, and I feel prepared for my day.

I was just ten minutes behind. Usually, around 11:45am, I’d be walking in the middle of campus. I wanted to get to campus a little earlier that day, since I use the student pharmacy to fill my medications. I was running out of one, so I needed to stop by before I made my way to my office. I cursed at myself for being late, for giving in to that stoner-desire to just sit and have another hit before walking out the door. I had a student who wanted to stop by my office hours to discuss something from class, and I didn’t want to be late in case she stopped by at the beginning of my office hours. Even so, I was running late.

Just as I was standing up to grab my backpack and head out the door, I got a text on my phone.

UPDSouth – UNLV

UPD Alert – UNLV

University Police responding to report of shots fired in BEH evacuate to a safe area, RUN-HIDE-FIGHT.

And I shook. It was instant. As soon as I read those words, my body went cold, and I was trembling. I collapsed back into my chair, not entirely believing what was happening. That was 11:52am. A few minutes later, at 11:57am, I got the same text again. It was real. I should have been walking to my office, but I was quaking in my bedroom. BEH is not a far walk from my apartment. I live on campus to make my life easier, after all. Walking to class is a lot easier than driving. The convenience has always been the highlight of living on campus, but suddenly I felt like I wanted to be anywhere but there.

Would the shooter be on the move? Would they head towards the dorms, or would they head towards my side of campus? I texted my professor first, asking if she was on campus. Then I brought up the group chat I have with other students in my department. Frantically, I ask who is on campus. Several of them were, some were off campus. Everyone was sheltering in place.

I cried. Knowing my friends were closer to the danger than I was, knowing they were scared and barricaded in offices, I cried. Knowing my professor, a woman who has mentored me since I first came to UNLV, was locked in a classroom made my stomach churn. We had no information; we knew nothing. All we could do was send texts back and forth, everyone checking on everyone we know.

I was getting texts from friends around town. My psychiatrist checked on me. I had to send that text nobody wants to send to their parents. There is an active shooter. I am alive and I am safe. What did my mom and dad feel when they saw that? Were they holding it together for me? When I called my mother, she simply reassured me I was safe, that I was not in danger. But my whole body, my brain, was telling me I was. I may not have been in the thick of the shooting, but I was on the campus where it was happening. I knew, just a few minutes away, people were dying. I did not yet know how many, but I knew it would not be good.

Maybe I’m a product of my generation, because after checking with all my friends, I took to Twitter. I posted I am a student at UNLV, and that I am safe and sheltering. A flood of support poured in, including journalists looking for comment. I spoke with one of them, giving her what information I knew, telling her how students seem to be feeling and how little information we were being given. She was very kind, this journalist. She kept updating me on news from the police, even though she didn’t have to. I was just another source for her, but she treated me like a human being going through a traumatic situation. I’m not entirely sure why I talked to her when she asked for comment, but in the moment, it seemed like the right thing to do. Let the world know how scared we are, how inevitable this has felt for so many of us. I wanted her, and everyone else, to know how scared I was.

The misinformation was easy to absorb, and it was everywhere, mostly because we had no verified information to rely on. There were reports of 28-35 people shot, multiple shooters, someone shooting in the library, SWAT and Navy SEALS being brought in. Screenshots of students saying they’ve been told by police over 35 were dead were being spread through group chat to group chat. It is so easy to look back and realize what was obviously not true, but in the moment, when you’re begging for scraps of news, you’ll accept almost anything. We all took things with a grain of salt, but what if they were real? What if 35 people had been killed? What if 28 people were actually shot? Was it true that a second shooter was barricaded in a building, and the police were trying to get them out? Was it true that there was a second shooter, a woman, who had been killed? We knew nothing. Spreading speculation was almost like a way of staying sane, of trying to make sense of a senseless situation.

Eventually, my friends start telling me they’re getting evacuated. The relief I feel knowing they’re getting home safely is overwhelming. I’ve been locked in my bedroom, staying away from windows and doors, just waiting for the situation to end. It is a relief knowing my friends and colleagues will get home safe. I know not everyone on campus will be so lucky.

Much of the day still feels like a blur. At some point, two hours had passed, but it felt like days and minutes all at once. Now that a night of sleep has passed between me and the shooting, it feels even more surreal.

I can’t explain the guilt I feel. I have read students talk about how they heard the gunshots, heard screaming and panic. How they ran for their lives, not knowing what was happening, making their way from building to building hoping they wouldn’t get shot. I think about all their fears and what they must have been feeling and I feel this incredible guilt because I hadn’t yet left my apartment. I was close, but not as close as some. I will not have to hear the screaming or the gunshots in my sleep. I will feel the panic forever, the fear forever, but there are some scars I did not come away with. And I am both grateful and full of such intense guilt that I cannot shoulder this burden for other students.

I do not know what the coming days will look like. Now we know the man’s name, but I will not repeat it. We do not yet know the names of the victims, but texts from friends tell me it was faculty. As someone working towards being faculty one day, I am scared. Will this happen again? Will I have to endure this terror another time during my life because I have chosen higher education as my career?

I shouldn’t have to fear this. None of us had to go through this. The three people who lost their lives should still be alive. I do not need to speak out loud every argument about gun control that has been hashed and rehashed every mass shooting since Columbine. I do not need to say, as yet another survivor of a school shooting, that this didn’t need to happen. But I am saying it. This did not need to happen. These people did not need to die. These students did not have to be traumatized. Our campus will never feel safe again, and this did not have to be how it is.

I hope I can take care of myself. I hope others can take care of themselves. I’ve already seen the Las Vegas community step up and come together. They did it in 2017, long before I lived here, and now I am seeing it with my own two eyes. Las Vegas shouldn’t have to reuse a hashtag. #VegasStrong shouldn’t have to trend again for another shooting. #UNLVStrong didn’t have to come to pass. Yet here we are, coming together as a community.

To all my fellow Rebels, I love you. I am glad you survived. And to those we lost, I am so sorry. We will carry your memories on, because your memories are blessings to us.

My relationship with UNLV is forever changed.

There’s no going back to a before.

-Victoria Parra

victoriaparra.com

#UNLV #UNLV shooting #Vegas #Las Vegas #Vegas Strong #UNLV Rebels #Rebels #REBELstrong #VegasStrong #school shooting #university #survival

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seeingandbeing · 7 months

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Last week I committed to writing a substack post. I knew I wanted to write about the equinox. I have always loved fall and the rituals that go hand in hand. But I knew this year was going to be lowkey. With no job and limited funds, I couldn’t afford to host the harvest moon dinner I fantasized with friends about. I know we could have found a free activity to do together but I didn’t want to overextend myself, as I was still recovering from a bad spell.

The past few weeks have been difficult ones. I was rejected for a role that seemed all but guaranteed and it devastated me. The hope of returning to routine and normalcy was shattered. I didn’t leave my bed for 2 days.

I tried my best to give myself grace and compassion, but everything about the situation made me feel like a failure. I ordered takeout with money I didn’t have. I went to the beach for the first time this summer. I went to MoMA and cried. I got rejected from an entry-level job I applied to. Mostly, I was doing a lot of nothing.

Last week, I finally had a productive week. It wasn’t the week I wanted but it was a good week by any metric. I had more money than I expected, multiple leads on jobs, and woke up at a reasonable hour every day. It was the kind of week I regularly prayed for, but I found myself dismissing it because I didn’t make it to a talk I wanted to go to, I didn’t wake up at 7 AM to do my planning session, and I didn’t attend hot yoga as often as I would have liked.

Why wasn’t good enough, good enough? I sought guidance from the memoir I was reading, Wintering by Katherine May:

“Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible. Once we stop wishing it were summer, winter can be a glorious season in which the world takes on a sparse beauty and even the pavements sparkle. It’s a time for reflection and recuperation, for slow replenishment, for putting your house in order. Doing those deeply unfashionable things—slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting—is a radical act now, but it is essential.”

I find it helpful to frame my time without work as a wintering. At first, I accepted winter with open arms. My health issues were at their worst and I finally accepted that I was a workaholic. I reveled in the time I spent taking care of myself. I treated nursing myself back to health like a full-time job. Eventually, I decided I was tired of wintering. Winter was a bore and I longed for summer. In fact, summer was approaching and being in a period of reflection and rest felt unseasonal. I love summer, spring be damned. Had I really done the work to transform myself? Sure, I could take care of myself when it was the only thing on the docket but when I inevitably return to work would I have the tools to commit to living sustainably? I wasn’t sure I knew what tools I even needed.

Serendipitously, I listened to a great podcast about a skill to add to the toolbox. Real self care. In the episode, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin describes real self care as “principle focused, inner decision-making work” while the faux self is the consumer-oriented bullshit we are all familiar with. I am a fan of Audre Lorde, who Lakshmin draws heavily on, so self-care being described this way was not surprising to me. What surprised me though, was categorizing productivity as faux self-care. Dr. Lakshmin argues that we turn to productivity for the illusion of control it gives us. As soon as I heard her say it, I knew it was true. I definitely believe I’m one bullet journal system away from changing my life. After a bit of reflection, I understood the reason I was unsatisfied with my week was that I failed to assert control over it. This is irrational of course. Deep down, I know I didn’t attend the talk because I had to finish a job application that a mentor sent my way. I didn’t go to yoga because I had a last-minute dinner with a friend. But I couldn’t help but think how satisfying it would be to check off those boxes.

When I think about last week and this new season, letting go is a theme that comes up over and over again. It’s odd although I love fall, I’ve never thought about it as a time to release. Autumn symbolizing a time to let go is cliche, but a cliche that never interested in me. Letting go is a fall ritual I haven’t considered, but I think I ought to. “There is no transformation without loss”. Man, do I hate to lose.

I don’t know when my winter will end. I don’t know what my next job will be, where it will be, or if it will make me happy. But there are benefits to uncertainty. In Wintering May writes: “Certainty is a dead space, in which there’s no more room to grow”. I want to embrace the uncertainty without merging with the chaos. There is something so seductive about ceding all control and letting disorder reign. Yet again, I received a serendipitous message from Chani that at its heart, the equinox is also about balance.

After researching rituals for the autumnal equinox and finding nothing that resonated with me, I begrudgingly decided to follow the ritual in the Chani app. It felt disappointing and ordinary as I regularly do some part of Chani’s weekly ritual suggestions. I wanted the equinox to be more momentous, more special, but I’m much too superstitious to let the equinox pass unobserved. So I lit my incense, sat in front of my altar, and opened the app. Chani asked, “What are you learning to release so that you can come into greater balance with your joy?” On Sunday I released my desire for a perfect equinox ritual and found a necessary one. It’s the beginning of an answer. It is good enough.

#personal #me #autumn #fall equinox #chani nicholas #chani #wintering #katherine may #pooja lakshmin #letting go #balance #release

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dancingqueen0019 · 2 years

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Saving Grace Ch. 6

Aaron Hotchner x Female Reader

Themes: Budding Relationship, Fluff, Awkward Love, Slow-Burn ish, Age Gap (roughly 15 years; Aaron 40ish and Reader 25)

Warnings: Mention of murders, natural death of parent (reader’s parent), slight cursing (?), school drama (slight bullying, additional school assistance)

Author’s Note: Chapter 6! Hope you enjoy. According to Google Docs its 6 Pages. This hasn’t been edited so I apologize for grammar/spelling errors

I’m not sure how long we slept but it felt like eternity. The fog of what happened last night and the truth came to the forefront of my mind. Being in bed with a man 15 years older than me should in theory creep me out, but it doesn’t. Maybe there was something wrong with me, or maybe biologically we just clicked, but I was here for it.

I begged my body to sleep, partially because I wanted another hour to catch up, and partially because I didn’t want to move away from Aaron. In my mind I wanted all of this with my whole heart; Aaron, Jack, a relationship, stability. There was just now the question of whether or not Aaron thought the same.

In the time we slept, we had moved around the bed frequently. Our bodies and subconscious acted on both of our growing feelings and molded our limbs together. When I started waking up I felt a thick arm around my waist and the steady rise and fall of a chest pressed to the back of mine. I willed myself to go back to sleep but I couldn’t, my body was charged up.

I looked down at the arm holding onto me to see that the large hand was splayed out. Fingers laid firmly on top of my lower stomach. The butterflies in my stomach woke up and fluttered around as I twisted myself to face Aaron. In doing so he groaned in his sleep and lifted his arm so I could move easier. He was laying higher on the pillows than I was so my head was tucked under his. His arm gave me a firm squeeze to keep me close and let out a deep sigh. I couldn’t see his eyes to tell if he was awake or not, but the kiss on my head told me he was.

“Morning.” He mumbled sleepily.

I reached out and placed a hand on his chest, “Good morning. How’d you sleep?”

He released his grip slightly on me, “Really good. To be honest I haven’t slept much lately so this helped.” We laid in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the warmth of each other. “Would you like some coffee?” Aaron asked in a soothing tone.

“Coffee would be great. I need to get up and shower too.” I responded, not wanting to think about what I might have looked or smelled like. I was supposed to shower last night but I didn’t, I pushed it off too much and figured I would do it today. Little did I know at that time that my house would have overnight company.

“You go shower, I’ll put some coffee on.” He pulled away from me and got up. I rolled over and looked at the alarm clock. I cursed under my breath when I realized it was 10am, I totally forgot about Murphy I was so tired. Slipping into my fuzzy slippers I went to run down the stairs to let him out. Poor dog needed to relieve himself outside for the past couple of hours now. However before I could make it halfway down the stairs I heard Aaron talking to someone, “Come on Murphy, let’s go outside. Good boy, go potty.”

I bit my bottom lip out of embarrassment that my house guest was taking care of my dog. I finished coming down the stairs and Aaron looked back to me, “Thought you were going to shower.” He said and then turned back to the coffee machine.

“Yeah but I forgot about Murphy. Thank you for taking him out though. I’ll shower after I get his food ready.” I moved a bit faster to grab his bowl and prepare his breakfast. Aaron watched me closely as I cut up the fruit and veggies. Eyes tracking all of my movements until the coffee was done brewing. He poured himself a cup and drank it straight while I put Murphy’s bowl down and brought him back inside. Excusing myself, I went upstairs to shower. I pulled the sheets up on the bed before closing the bathroom door behind me. I turned the fan and my speaker on so I could listen to some music to perk me up.

I took my time showering and even took the extra effort to shave my legs and armpits. I stood naked in front of the mirror, brushed my teeth and combed my hair. Wrapped in a towel I exited the bathroom and snatched the lotion off of the bedside table. The towel came undone slightly as I reached down to lotion my legs.

“Shit! Sorry, I should have knocked.” A stammering Aaron stood in the cracked doorway and I laughed at how he kept stammering apologies.

“You say you are sorry but you keep staring, Aaron.” I said as I stood back up and adjusted the towel to cover myself better. “What did you come up here for?” I asked him and he blinked a couple of times and focused back on my face and not the towel.

“Oh-uh, I was just going to grab my phone. Jack’s aunt, Jess, has him for today. Just wanted to let her know that I was home already.” He kept his head down as he walked to the other side of the bed to grab his phone and he walked back out so I could get dressed. I pulled on a pair of black leggings and a cream colored tank top to start off with. I planned on adding an actual top later on. Aaron was standing next to the couch when I walked out.

“I went ahead and ordered breakfast to be delivered here. Just a ‘thank you’, for last night.” He mentioned as he finished sending a text to Jess. I quickly refolded the blanket on the couch, “Ya know, if you didn’t say it was just a ‘thank you’ breakfast I would have assumed it was a breakfast date.” He chuckled at that and nodded his head, “Breakfast date it is then. A makeup for the lost dinner date. Kind of a strange date to start off with though,” I looked at him puzzled, “with me crashing here early this morning. The free therapy session. Probably was the strangest first date you’ve had.”

I shook my head slightly and held back a laugh, “Trust me, I have had wayy worse first dates. This was honestly one of the better ones.” Now it was his turn to look puzzled, “You must have had some bad first dates then.”

I placed my arm on his and leaned in slightly, “I’ll tell you at breakfast.” I winked at him and headed down the stairs. Murphy was waiting for me to take him back out outside. He chased the bunnies from the yard and found some new sticks to chew on under the tree. Heading back in I found Aaron at the door paying the delivery man and he turned around with two bags of food. While I poured myself my cup of coffee and added in my creamer he laid out the food at the dining room table.

Sitting down I made a noise of excitement as I recognized the cafe he ordered from. “I love their baking. You can’t find too many good mom and pop places but this one is probably my favorite.” I grabbed a chocolate chip muffin and a couple sausage links and Aaron picked up the croissant sandwich. We split the serving of hash browns and settled into breakfast talk.

“How is–” We both said at the same time and awkwardly paused and smiled at each other. Aaron told me to go first, I swallowed the piece of muffin before speaking. “I was going to ask how Jack was. I noticed in class that he was more sad than usual.”

“I was just about to ask the same thing actually. In answer to you though, he is doing okay. I’ve been in this job since before he’s been born so in some ways he’s used to me being gone. It was easier when his mom was alive though. Now it seems to bother him more each time I’m gone.” He spoke solemnly when he mentioned his wife. I placed my hand on top of his, causing him to look up at me. In the morning light I notice how his brown eyes hold so much depth. Not just the trauma from his job and personal life, but also the swirls of colors. Whiskey, carmel, and mixes of light and dark brown made for pools of endless stories.

A squeeze on my hand followed by an “Y/N?” snapped me from my thinking. I shyly smiled and pulled my gaze from him. I cleared my throat and said, “Sorry, I was just going to say that I understand how difficult it would be for Jack to miss you so much. I do notice that he does tend to get upset about you being gone, but he hasn’t had a massive reaction to it in school. One time he was on the verge of tears, I do admit that I should have contacted you about it, but he recovered from it and moved on. Unfortunately I can’t spend my entire day focusing on Jack since I have twenty other students, but I can assure you that he and I have been working together to regulate his emotions. Academically, he’s way above everyone else. His testing scores are immaculate and he continues to refine his skills. Emotionally wise, he could use a little bit of assistance, from my observation.”

Aaron sat back for a moment to process this information, “Okay. What do you suggest that I do to help him then? Me being gone isn’t going to change exactly so I need to make sure he’s functioning properly.” I nodded and took a drink of coffee.

I further explained to Aaron that we can request tha Jack be put on a 504 plan to receive assistance with anxiety and regulate his emotions. It would give him the extra assistance that I may not be able to give him at the moment, and it would carry on through his record for the rest of his schooling so he can continue any assistance he may need. “He isn’t a bad kid by any means. You know that and I know that. I just wanted to make that clear because parents hear the terms 504 and IEP and they immediately think their kid is not the greatest. We can schedule a formal meeting with myself, Dr. Smithfield, and Mrs. Tobey who is in charge of these assistance programs. All of us will sit down and talk to you privately, and then bring Jack in, to discuss if this is something he would benefit from. I told you before the school year started that I would help Jack in any way that I can.”

Aaron smiled big at that last part, and I could see the gears turning in his head. “Y/N I don’t know what to say. Thank you, firstly for looking after him. I would be more than happy to schedule a meeting. You–” he paused and licked his bottom lip, “you’ve been a second chance, a saving grace for not only him but me as well. I find that Jack comes home and doesn’t stop talking about your classroom and everything he did. He looks forward to being with you and quite frankly I look forward to being around you too. Jack is still very much recovering from his mom’s passing, but you’ve helped him see that there still is good in the world.” My eyes started watering at that and I quickly wiped them away, but Aaron knew what I was doing. He grabbed my hand again and smoothed his thumb over the top of it. “As for me, you’ve made the days a lot more bearable and I am starting to look forward to completing my day.” I looked at him with big dewy eyes and I smiled at him.

I took another sip of coffee to calm my nerves, “Oh Aaron, you don’t have a clue how much it means to hear that. My actions and behavior towards Jack is organic and as for you…” I stopped myself from saying what I really wanted to say. To tell him that I liked him more than just my student’s father, that I wanted to see where this went. Aaron caught onto that last bit that I was avoiding telling him. He raised his eyebrows and motioned me to continue talking. I blushed and put my head down.

“Were you about to admit that you’ve developed feelings for me?” He asked slowly and I looked up in answer to him. His breath hitched for a moment, “Y/N, I, I’m not sure what you expect from this relationship,” I felt my blood run cold and my body prepared itself for rejection, “but what I can tell you is that I’m starting to value you more than just being Jack’s teacher. There’s so much more that we need to learn about one another so I don’t want to rush into things. On my part too I hesitate to start anything with you because of two main things. Firstly being our ages. You are so much younger than I am and we are at different points in our lives. I’ve settled into my life and you are just starting yours. The second thing that I hesitate on is that I’m not sure how soon is appropriate for a widower to start dating again.”

I swallowed the massive lump in my throat and took a long breath in to soothe the anxiety I was feeling. He’s right in what he says, I just don’t want to hear all of it. “I understand and respect what you are saying, Aaron. Right now I know that I have to sort through what feelings I have for you and what I want out of whatever this is. I share the same sentiment that I value you more than just a student’s father. If you can’t start a relationship right now because of mourning or out of respect for our late wife, I understand 100%. What I can tell you on my part is that I want to see where this is going, I want to play out the feelings and get to know one another. Who knows, we might just be horrible for each other and nothing comes of it. Just because we are having breakfast and you spent the night doesn’t mean we are getting married next week.” He let out a short laugh through his nose, “As far as the ages, I’ve done my own reflecting. Yeah, people may not understand such a big age gap, but it’s not their relationship. There are plenty of people out there that have larger or similar age gaps. It was a little weird at first, but I honestly don’t mind you being older than me. The beauty of my life just starting out is that nothing is set in stone, I can shift my wants and needs depending on where life takes me.”

I didn’t notice that I was speed talking until I stopped and had to take a deep breath. I think I was too scared that if I talked slow enough, Aaron wouldn’t have stuck around to listen or he would have decided what he was going to do about us. He finally spoke up, “What do you want out of life? What are your wants and needs right now?”

I picked at the table cloth as I meekly spoke up, almost afraid that my answer wouldn’t be right for him, “I love my job, so I want to be a teacher for as long as possible. However, I wouldn’t mind being a housewife or stay-at-home mom if I have to be or if my future husband’s job can support us. With that being said, I want a husband, someone that compliments my likes and dislikes, but also shows me a whole new world. Someone that will stick around instead of running when things get hard. I want a big family, that’s for damn sure. I don’t care if I have them, adopt them, or they are step children, I just love kids and I’ve always wanted them. Personally, I want to move further from here so I can have a big house with a yard big enough for those kids and any dogs, but I can stay in this area too.”

Aaron’s smile just kept getting bigger and bigger as I spoke, to the point that dimples appeared and his smile lines became pronounced. I smiled back at him until he started laughing. What the hell is he laughing at? I just answered the man’s question. He placed one hand on his gut while he laughed and when he opened his eyes he realized the horrified look on my face. He waved his other hand out in front of him and quickly said, “Oh no! I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at what you said.”

I glared at him before he continued, “I laugh because it’s the same exact answer that I would have given if you asked me. You are just making this so much harder because I am liking you even more now.” I sighed at that and slowly got rid of the glare on my face. He reached forward and placed a hand on my cheek, “I promise you, I’m not laughing at you. I thought I was going to be able to take things slow with you and pace myself from growing attached, but I think that is going to be harder than I thought.”

I leaned into his touch a little bit, “Why you gotta scare me like that? I was getting ready to kick your ass out of my home.” He replied that he wouldn’t doubt my ability to kick his ass out. “So, we agree to just see where this goes? Keep it lowkey for the time being? I doubt my school will like to hear that I am…What are we?” I asked, hoping for a good answer from him.

“Dating?” He asked slowly to gauge my reaction. I smiled warmly at that and he reciprocated it, “Yes, dating. I doubt my school will appreciate me dating a student’s father while they are in my class.” Aaron nodded in agreement and said that we should keep things quiet until after the end of the school year. I enjoyed hearing that he was already thinking that far out.

Together we cleaned up breakfast and had some normal small talk about what our weekend plans were. He said that Jessica and Jack were camping this weekend and wouldn’t be back till after dinner on Sunday. I had day time plans with my mother tomorrow. She was coming over for lunch and then we were heading out to Home Depot to pick out tile and paint swaps for the downstairs bathroom. I figured it would be easier to just get started on my house projects now rather than push it off and still be working on it when Lucas gets home.

Aaron was a bit surprised to hear that my mom and I would be doing all of the demo and renovation ourselves so he offered his assistance when he would be home. As far as today, there was nothing on our schedules unless an emergency case came up for Aaron. I was currently leaning my back against the kitchen counter and Aaron stood closely in front of me with his hands on my hips. He still smelled like my body wash and his face was beautifully relaxed, “I know I need to return back to my apartment and get an actual change of clothes. When I’m done with that though, would you like to have dinner with me tonight? I can swing by the grocery store and pick up whatever you are in the mood for and cook for you. Actually cook this time instead of ordering it.”

I placed my hand on his white clothed chest and lightly scratched the surface with my nails. He closed his eyes for a brief second and I happily said, “Yes! I would love that. Do you want or need me to go shopping with you or can I do some quick cleaning while you’re out?” He nodded and told me that he was good to go by himself. His black bag was quickly packed while I finished filling up the dishwasher and wiped down the table. Before he left he gave me a quick hug and kissed my head once more. There was a light blush on my cheeks as he pulled away and walked back out the front door.

I don’t think I can take this, going slow, thing seriously.

#aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotch hotchner #criminal minds #fluff #smut #fbi #bau #jack hotchner #david rossi #jj jareau #derek morgan #spencer reid #penelope garcia #emily prentiss

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steverodgerslater · 4 months

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Cheating with boyfriends best friend

A little backstory first: my boyfriend 'Jack' and I are living together in one of the bigger cities in our country. When his best friend 'John' got dumped by his girlfriend and lost his job last year, my boyfriend offered him to stay with us for a while to get back on his feet. John moved in the spare bedroom and everything was great for a while. He got a new job close to where we live, he started paying rent, helped out with the chores, and was overall the perfect guest. Since the arrangement worked well for everybody, we decided to continue it.

Earlier this year Jack got a big promotion at work and while that came with a lot of extra income, it also came with longer hours. He usually came home from the office after 9pm, leaving little quality time. It was the topic of most discussions we had, but ultimately I knew he was happy with his work so I didn't want to force him to choose. It was during this time that I connected with John. His schedule was similar to mine, it was always the two of us having dinner together while Jack was still at work. We watched the same series, we started going to the gym together.

One day Jacks mom was planning to visit us, but Jack got called to the office last minute. John and I made a nice dinner for Jacks mom and when she was about to leave, she made a strange remark about John and me looking like the couple instead of Jack. We both laughed a little nervously, but that was the first time something clicked in my mind. The weeks after that I caught myself thinking about John in a different way. I felt guilty about it, it wasn't who I normally was. I tried to oppress these thoughts but something inside me had changed.

Jack and I started having more discussions about his work schedule, we barely had any time together at that point. He promised to take me out on a proper date night later that week, and I was hopeful things woud finally change. That night I was getting ready when Jack called me something came up at work and he had to postpone our night out. I was so mad I yelled at him and hung up. I was crying when John came in. He comforted me and when I was feeling a little better, he offered to take me out instead. He got ready quickly while I redid my makeup, and he took me on the date night Jack was supposed to take me. We went to a fancy restaurant, and to a bar afterwards. I was pretty tipsy when we got back, Jack was still at the office. John outdid himself in making me feel good again, he gave me many compliments and made me laugh the whole night. He put on some music and danced in a goofy way, soon joined by me. Then I bumped into the coffee table and lost my balance, I tried holding onto John but he also fell and he landed on top of me on the couch. His face was just a few centimeters from mine, we weren't laughing anymore. For a few seconds nothing happened, we were just staring at each other. I don't know if he made the first move or I did, but then we kissed. We made out for several minutes, it got me all worked up and I started unbuttoning Johns pants. He looked at me with a look that said 'are you sure?', but when I told him to fuck me he didn't hesitate anymore. He fucked me then and there on the couch. No time wasted taking off our clothes, he just dropped his pants a little and moved my panties to the side. He didn't hold back when he fucked me, he was so good. We kept making out as he was fucking me, my legs wrapped around his waist and my nails in his back. It was liberating, I knew I was cheating but that taboo made me a little freaky in that moment. Between making out I kept telling John to fuck me, and when he grunted he was about to cum I locked my legs around his waist and whispered to cum inside me. He lost it, and with a few deep thrusts he came inside me. We kept making out a little longer.

We just finished cleaning up and rearranging our clothes when we heard Jacks keys in the door. It felt awkward but I was still mad at Jack so I had a good excuse to go to sleep. It was a strange feeling, I had cheated but I didn't feel remorse. My friends would never expect this from me, they know me as a classic good girl. That night changed everything for me, and it became a regular thing. Several months went by where my relationship with Jack deteriorated further while I was fucking John almost every day. At some point I realized I couldn't continue like this, and I was ready to end things with Jack but that's when he actually started making an effort. He didn't want to lose me so he changed jobs, worked regular hours, and started spending a lot more time with me. It probably saved our relationship, but I couldn't spend as much time with John as I wanted. I could not get him out of my mind, not even while Jack was making such efforts. I knew Jack would be better for me in the long run, but I couldn't resist the wild feeling that John gave me every time. The fact that John was living with us didn't help, we had to find creative ways to still "see" each other. John offered to stop things between us if it would help me, but I couldn't stop it.

Today the situation is even more complex. Jack was pretty desperate in mending our relationship but it was hard for him to top John in the bedroom. He obviously didn't know about John, but he must have felt it was still lacking in that area. So he got a few books on how to spice things up, we played a few dirty games together and eventually started watching porn together to get some inspiration. When we watched threesome scenes it eventually got us where we are today, where I convinced Jack to have a threesome with me and John.

Valvalval29OP·1 day ago

Maybe the taboo of cheating makes it hotter somehow

So you’re still fuckn his best friend??😈

Valvalval29OP·1 day ago

Yes

#confessions #friendcheat

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ahiddenpath · 1 year

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I’m Back from Vacay/Life Update/Writing Update

Gonna getcha up to date on Hiddenland beneath the cut!

Vacation

I returned from the US Virgin Islands, St. Thomas yesterday. We were there for 5 days. I’ve never been, and I’ve also never taken a “do nothing” vacation, so it was an adventure, lol!

We stayed near Red Hook in an air B&B. The internet basically persuaded me not to try a resort, citing crowded resorts, lack of privacy, etc- also, a lot of resorts don’t really provide easy access to a beach. Our unit had its own pool, which was a huge selling point... But unfortunately, it was fed by ice cold spring water. Literally, when we hurt our feet, we put them in the pool to reduce the swelling. So... Well, I was disappointed by that.

But the beaches were stunning, with turquoise water that you could walk into- it was fairly warm, I mean, not “ooof ughh coldcoldcold!”. I guess the trouble was getting out, since there were constant breezes on the beach, enough for kite surfing in some places.

So if you know me, you might know that I have anxiety and that I’m... Busy brained? I was so antsy the first day of the trip, thinking- Is this really fun? Wouldn’t doing something be better? But after about three hours of sitting on the beach, my brain flipped off like a switch. I never felt like... “Ahhhh, so relaxed.” Actually, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that. But my brain did go quiet, and I read three books in five days, lol.

We also went on a turtle snorkel and sunset sailing tour. We did see one green sea turtle, and thank goodness, because snorkeling in St. Thomas was nothing like snorkeling in Hawaii, at least not where we went. In Hawaii, there’s always something to look at, all kinds of colorful fish. In St. Thomas, I saw one turtle and a handful of sea stars. The sailing was nice, though- I’ve never sailed before.

I also got horrendously sunburned the first day. You know how it is- that first day, I’m all cute in my swimsuit, feeling great. The second day, I’m wearing a swim shirt, swim trunks for ladies (truly the best thing ever), swim socks, a hat, sunglasses, and visible regret. Seriously, I really hurt myself, I was in agony. I applied and reapplied the heck out of my 50 SPF sunscreen, too, so I’m pissed.

If you want more details, let me know, because I learned a lot on the trip about vacationing in St. Thomas. Overall, I’d say it was a nice lowkey experience, but damn the sunburns and the ice pool were upsetting.

Also, my shy cat recognized me right away when I came home, which was a relief! On my last trip, she treated me like I was a stranger wearing a Hidden suit for a few days x_x

Life Update

I feel like I’ve just been... Adjusting? To a new life? The last few months. I can say that my new job really is a mental health improvement over the last one. I also get paid more- like appreciably more, and it turns out that this also reduces stress (who knew, right? /sarcasm). But it is still a huge adjustment, and I’ve already found some of the new problems in the new place (mainly that they are hiring more people than they have space for, and they just... keep... hiring and telling us to deal with it however we want).

I’ve also been focusing on health, particularly exercising and reducing my resting heart rate. I already reduced it by 2 bpm in about 6 weeks! Taking better care of my physical self truly is possible, like in quantifiable ways (which makes my scientist brain happy). It just helps to have small, manageable goals, and to focus on health rather than weight.

Writing News

So for most of camp digimonth, we had daily 45 min sprints for our writers and artists on the discord. It was really fun to create together, and I’m so proud of everyone!

I hate to say it, but I basically wrote or finished two new chapters, and barely touched my nanowrimo draft. I also completed an artwork and am mostly done with another. Er- basically, I did a lot, but also not... What I... Thought I would?

Soooo I am thinking that updates to PdA will start again in late February or early March, to give me more time to make a ready-to-post content buffer.

And on that note, I’m going to go write! Much love, mwah! I hope you’re all doing amazing.

#hidden's life

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pbandjesse · 17 days

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I know I say a lot of the time how bad my allergies are but they are particularly bad today. And it sucks because I was doing so good all day! But for the last 6 hours I have felt like I was dying. I can't breathe properly. My eyes burn. I keep closing the one completely because it hurts to open. I am so uncomfortable.

But today wasn't even bad. I had a really good morning. I slept alright. Falling asleep pretty quickly. And after having sort of a rough time because I was so sore and exhausted from work, it was nice to be able to sleep easy.

I remember James leaving for work. Giving me a kiss. And then I actually woke up at. 8. An hour before my alarm. And I felt good. That was really nice.

I took a little time to just lay in bed and get up slowly. But then I was awake and had energy and I didn't want to waste it.

I went and got dressed. I felt so cute and good about myself. I was in a great head space. I went downstairs and James had made really good cornbread so I had that for breakfast. And headed upstairs to start working on my tasks.

I decided I wanted to reorganize the way our bedroom is laid out. While I feel like the way we had it for the last two months has been nice, I felt like since I was taking off the closet doors I could actually try different layouts. And just play with the space.

I had to start with organizing though. I went through the closet after taking off the doors. Taking everything that was on hangers and putting it on the bed. I took out the IKEA shelf that I keep shoes on and decided that I would clear out one of the drawers under the bed for shoe storage. And then move the shelf to the small room. This worked out really good.

In making a drawer open for the shoes I had to move all my sweaters. And since it's going to be warm I just took all but a handful of my sweaters to put in a storage bag.

I would then organize our pajamas drawer, giving us both our own. I was on a roll.

I then felt like everything was in a good place and could start moving the bed. I should have thought slightly more about logistics because I did not consider that the room is narrow and the desk should have been moved out of the room.

Plus the carpet makes it incredibly difficult to move the bed. So I would throw all of the bedding into the hallway and took the drawers out and eventually took the mattress off completely.

As I was slowly sliding the bed I ran into some problems. When the bottom of the frame just started falling apart. I cracked it in spaces and I was getting very very frustrated. I kept trying to move the desk and eventually just disassemble the bottom half of the end and moving it went fine after that. But it was touch and go for a while.

I was a few hours into this project. Moving stuff around. Because of how I had put things in the hall I was kind of trapped until I got it all put away. So I just focused and did what had to be done.

I spent some time putting the bed back together. This would seem to be going well. And I loved how it looked. There is so much space!! I'm thrilled. And it was so fun resetting up my desk in the opposite corner and moving some art around. And once we have the wallpaper up I have some of the art I took down to hang back up. It was very exciting.

I would take a little lunch break. I had a Celeste pizza which was fine. I ate it on the new open floor space and was doing good. Once I finished hanging my necklaces back up I would move to the small guest room to work in there.

I would take two of the three storage bags we have and used one for pillows and one for blankets. I would then go through and actually fold all of my sweaters and sweatshirts to go in the last bag. It was really nice to get everything out away.

I remade the bed in there. And decorated the shelf formally from my closet. And it looks so good there so I'm thrilled.

I would sort the laundry and when that was done I went to have another snack. I had nachos and dips and was having a really nice day. I was listening to a long video and just going. I would jump into packing next.

And this was excellent. I got all my clothes nearly packed and am very happy with it. And our visas got approved so that was very exciting. It's almost time for our trip!! One week to go!

I felt like it was at a good stopping place. There was more I could do but I didn't need to at that moment. I had moved all of our chargers and things seemed good. So I would lay down and try to nap for an hour before James came home.

This did not go well. Almost as soon as I got in the bed the slats collapsed and then the bottom of the bedframe fell apart again. I was very disoriented and confused and couldn't get it and was in the mind of sleep time and was not having fun!!! I texted James and they were like. We will fix it it is okay.

So I went to the living room to try and lay down but this did not let me sleep. The wind outside was to loud. But I rested and tried to be positive.

Around 430 I got a second wind and went to tackle the bed. And I did. It isn't perfect. But it was back together. I put new hardware and longer screws. It's not completely fit together in one spot but I think it'll hold. I couldn't get the slats by myself though so that would have to wait for James.

When James got home they had to run to do a thing online real quick but then would come back and help me finish the bed. We remade it together after and we just sat together so I could tell them all the thing I did and then they told me about their day. They laughed at me for moving all the furniture by myself. But they also understand why I do it. Made me feel seen.

I requested we go through the packing inventory I made and we could check things off that I had packed. And this was extra fun for me and there are a handful of things to still pack. Like my tablet and makeup. But overall it's done and that feels really good. I am very excited to travel. Even if 20 hours of flight is scary.

James would make us breakfast for dinner and it was so good. Just excellent hash browns and an omelette. But during this time my allergies were getting worse and worse. And I was feeling very weak and bad.

The food helped. But even with multiple allergy meds I still was struggling to breathe. Eventually the sun went down, after laying together watching TikToks for a while, I decided to take a bath. And that is where I am now. And I think I'm slightly better. I can open both eyes now. But I am very ready to go and lay down.

Tomorrow I have some tasks to do for my outside commitments. The market I'm doing next weekend and my workshop series. And then I'm heading to the museum towards the end of the day to make some print examples. It is supposed to be warm tomorrow and I am excited about that.

I hope you all have a really good night. And sleep well. I hope you don't have allergies. Good night everyone!

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fangirl700146 · 1 year

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JACK CHAMPION X READER

Warnings: none, just pure fluff and some kissing

———————

I’m walking alone on the streets of LA. It’s almost night so i’m clutching my purse. I heard some really loud talking and a lot of people in one place. I didn’t suspect anything i mean it’s LA for god’s sake. I’m just holding my coffee and minding my own business and then someone bumped into me. Hard enough to spill my coffee.

I looked up and saw someone soooo beautiful and hot. I panicked so i said “I’m sorry” and he just looked at me and went “no.. i am”. People were just looking and asking for photos and it hit me. He’s famous. Great. Even better. “I bumped into you and spilt your coffee i feel so stupid right now” he started to apologize and people kinda just went away. “I’m jack by the way, and you are?” I was blushing he actually wanted to know my name. I mean he sure had many options since girls were probably all over him. “I’m y/n, nice to meet you” i shook his hand and he hesitated but said “i would give you the money for the-“ i cut him off “noooo no no no you don’t have to it was just a couple bucks and-“ and then he cut me off “you didn’t let me finish…” i just looked at him in confusion “ i would give you the money for the coffee but i would much rather take you to get one” he seemed nervous but i’m the one who should be nervous here “yeah of course… i would love to jack” he smiled and made a hand gesture that we should go “like right now??” I said and he just nodded .

“Sooooo are you like famous or something?” I asked “yeah kinda… what gave me up?” He sarcastically asked and we just laughed. “Was it the people or do i just look like an asshole?” He kept being funny “i think it was the people. What are you famous for” i was so curious cause it seemed like a lot of different people knew who he was. The most embarrassing thing is that I didn’t. “I was in a few movies” he said hoping i would recognize him or at least i guessed “okay you’re gonna have to tell me more and i’m sorry but i really don’t recognize you” I actually felt a little bad about it. “Let’s start with the new avatar movie”. My jaw dropped open. “Avatar???? Oh my god i wanna watch the new one so bad but no one wants to go with me” okay now i sounded like i have no friends, good job. “Not that i don’t have friends it’s just that they either don’t wanna watch it at all or have already watched it” i think i saved myself. “You know what?” He said “Can i have three guesses?” I joked and he just responded “It’s not that late yet what about we go watch it together?” Was he willing to spend hours with me in the cinema for the movie he’s probably sick of already “okay fine but you still owe me that coffee jake” I teased “let’s save that for the second date” wait is this a date… how can a bad thing turn out so good.

We went to the movies and had an amazing time. He walked me out and offered to walk me home. I figured he’s not weird so i let him. We stopped at the bench and he turned to me “i had a great time, i really did” he was so ughhh “me too” i said and then he leaned to me. Is this actually happening? He was really close to me. I could feel his breath “can i kiss you?” god he was so polite. Instead of saying anything i just leaned forward and kissed him. His hands found my hips and i put mine on the back of his neck. It was a good kiss. Okay maybe more than only one. I pulled back and gave him my number “i don’t kiss on the first date and disappear” he smirked and nodded in agreement. “How does coffee tomorrow sound?” I think he actually likes me “deal” i said and gave him another kiss. I walked into my house and went straight to bed thinking about him.

And then i got a text and the tab said “jake” my heart couldn’t take it. It said “goodnight beautiful” and i texted “goodnight to you 2 champion” i did some googling of course and found out that was his last name. How convenient. I just hope that his fame won’t be doing any trouble. But let’s put that aside, i’ve never been happier about ruining my coffee.

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boldlyoptimisticobservation · 11 days

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Brain dump sorry

This is my first post here, it's more for me. To empty my thoughts, I've heard it's good for your mind.

Less than an hour into my 29th birthday, I have never felt more lonely and lost. In some ways I feel lonelier than ever when I'm far from that physically. I feel that I'm constantly suffocated, lying to myself that I'm happy but it's not so simple. I feel massively privileged and lucky compared to how others are living in the world amongst all that's going on. Yet, I felt I had a greater purpose here. I grew into this young, confident, strong man who feared nothing. Nowadays, I'm far from that version of myself.

I think of my old version of myself a lot, the fun party goer, part of a football team, popular, lots of friends for that moment and I was constantly chasing my dreams. Finish my undergraduate, finish my masters it's the right thing to do. It's going to give me a fulfilling career, it will help me land a well earning job. Though I can't help but feel angry at my younger self for choosing such a stupid degree not once twice.

I chose Sport Science thinking I'd be working with athletes which would be so cool, while on my undergraduate course I quickly noticed how I wasn't actually that good at any of it, I felt at a disadvantage as I came from abroad and my knowledge was so behind compared to my peers, then I thought okay let's do a masters and specialise in something. So I study Nutrition, thinking it had a placement for work experience which would help me even further. I find myself now 5 years since graduating and I'm back to an entry level job.

I think this is where a lot of my unhappiness stems from, I was destined for more. I started off with a good role to begin with, with very good pay much more than my current salary. Then Covid-19 hit, so I lost that job after performing so so well. I found a remote role where I performed exceptionally apparently, it was a good entry role but with no progression clearly laid out at the time. I got offered a job at a university thinking this is it, this is my career path. I'm gonna become an academic, I will have all these publications and I will be a prestige name in my field (LOL), I can become a lecturer a very credible role. Few months into this research post I started to realise, just how much of an isolated job it was working on a review study. I went to the office so I can be around people but I just could not focus, my head was scrambled. I somehow managed survive for a while, people initially thinking I was doing well but this started to fade away. More or less for 3 or 4 months, I just could not perform my job. Initially my manager was supportive in terms of my inabilities but her attitude did change, understandably so. I was kind of hoping she'd be able to guide me past this barrier in my job but she couldn't. I ended up spending my time gambling, trading crypto and stupid shit like that. I'd head to campus but instead of going to the office I'd go to the library thinking it would help me focus, instead I felt no accountability so I did what I wanted, anything but my duties at work. It was such an isolated role, my manager would rarely check in and she was a super busy woman managing many research assistants and more. So I easily just went under the radar getting past with minimum progress in my role.

I was absolutely failing, I've never failed at something to this degree before. I'm clearly an academic person, I managed two degrees yet what the hell was going on? I needed help but I didn't know what in and so it became impossible to be helped. At the time my partner was pregnant and so this was weighing on me naturally, but I felt I had to change my circumstances and find a new role elsewhere. I applied optimistically for a PhD style role at a different university in a different topic. This time my manager was not as chill as my last one, I was hoping this would help me get my shit together. I lasted 3-4 months, my newborn child had just been born, many sleepless nights and I brought the same lack of ability from my last role to this one. So I ended up handing in my resignation just before my full enrollment in the PhD programme as I was quickly noticing my failure once again.

Now I'm back at that remote job before the academic roles, back at level 0 after 5 years from graduating. I'm now contemplating a career change entirely, I've gotten myself into stupid amount of debt from being reckless..

What happened to my old version of my self? I used to be so driven , a go getter and chase my dreams. Now I struggle to get out of bed, hardly exercise and see no prospects for my career going forward.

I have a son which brings me so much light, I will continue this later. I think writing some of this shit down helps.

#mentalhealth

#mental health

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etrangersvoyageant · 24 days

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Rewire, day 2

Here’s the skinny: I mostly stuck to one venue, where producers set a techno basement on fire. If Feltzer made me a lover, then Noise Diva and ojoo made me a fighter. More below.

Looking at the timetable a few weeks ago, I considered skipping this day. At that time, I had no tickets, so I didn’t feel cheated anyway. But then, I asked myself ‘what if you can get a cheap ticket and see Willem Feltzer? I liked last year’s album and maybe I should just check out who else is playing that venue.

The Grey Space in the middle is a location with many faces: I’ve seen movies there, visited art expos and heard live music and that’s there more organized. It has a good vibe and so there I was on Saturday.

The evening started with Willem Feltzer. He got all his bases, beginning to say down a calm dreamscape before pulling the audience underground. The set covered more genres than the album, but the same elements were present: chill, upbeat and playful. The music got a little darker and one could fantasize a system of tunnels, where Feltzer led his audience from place to place. These all had their own sound, yet the blend of music styles worked together well. And he finished with a club techno beat. For a moment, it felt like 3am in the morning, but it wasn’t even 9pm yet. All in all, an immaculate and well-thought-out set.

Next, a quick cross to a near-by church to experience my first bagpipe concert. Brighde Chambeul played rather long pieces, but the location improved the performance (although pews are not very hang-friendly). The combination of acoustics and the sparse purple and orangish gold lighting enriched the experience. One can imagine how people would get entranced in the old days. When she introduced the last song, she revealed another reason why she might be given this spot as she explained people used to play this piece to conjure the devil. Anyway, it was a bop and people were nodding along happily. Overall, a good performance.

Back to the Grey Space to see Noise Diva. An Amsterdam-based producer from Syria who’s rather versatile, but chose to play a noise set for Rewire. She started off with a speech, talking about the importance of female voices in the noise scene, how it’s been dictated by the white masculine creators (esp. in the 70s & 80s). She explained the thoughts behind the set she was about to play; how it was its debut, rather experimental and could have some odd transitions. Well, I didn’t notice the latter, caught as I was in the darkness of the music. At times, it was even brooding. Said had her eyes on her laptop and was bathed in red light, as she combined women chanting with sirens and drones. Only the ending was a bit odd, for a second it seemed she set up to deliver the final blow, but instead she thanked the audience and left, leaving myself and some others surprised. That was a shame, but it was still a fine performance in my book.

A quick breather and a chance to say hello to Feltzer before I went back down to the basement for ojoo. This DJ, born in Morocco and now based in Brussels, brought an exciting set filled with techno and its adjacent genres to conquer the dancefloor. The initial 10-15 minutes were calm before the storm as the beats were slowly pumped into the room, making people sway or march into place. However, the next phase really got the room dancing and moving – just like ojoo herself, bouncing behind the table, eyes forever locked onto the screen and mix panels. And although the room was never really full, I almost overheated stepping and swaying to the music. After 1,5 hours she was done and so was I. She remained in the room for a moment, greeting people, so I thanked her for her service and went home.

#rewire #live music diary #Willem Feltzer #Brìghde Chaimbeul #Noise Diva #ojoo

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