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ifimdreaming · 2 months

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Can i request Jack hughes x reader? I beg you

drive home

jack hughes x reader

word count: 600

a/n: unedited blurb

“Can you just tell me when were close? Im gonna have a nap” you say as you rest your head on the side of the window, trying to get as comfortable as possible in the passengers seat of Jacks car as he drives you both back to his condo after a night out.

“But im gonna be bored…” he says and you immediately feel bad

Jack already agreed not to drink at all tonight so he could drive you home, you felt even worse making him drive while you slept

“Fine, but you have to keep me awake” you say and rub your eyes, sitting up in your sit to prevent yourself from dozing off

“Oh i can keep you awake’’ he says as he rolls down all of the windows and turns up the music in his car to almost full volume, making you flinch in surprise and grab his wrist to stop him from turning it up any louder

“Jack! Enough! Ok!” you say before laughing uncontrollably and he just sings along to whatever country song is currently blasting through the speakers as he drives down the freeway

As he continues singing, you have no choice but to just sing along with him, your more just a little drunk self loving every second of it after being brought out of your tired state

If you were 100% sober currently, maybe your decisions would be a little different but that was not the case

You lean over and begin kissing the side of Jacks neck and running a hand up and down his thigh, your goal wasnt to distract him, although you knew there was definitely a possibility of that happening

“Baby we cant right now” Jack says as he continues focusing on the road, wanting to get you both home safely and in one piece

“But i want youuu jackyy” you say as you lean away from his neck, staring into his eyes as your hand still rests dangerously high on his upper thigh

He looks down at your hand before locking his eyes with yours, lust plastered all over htem

Your hands on him felt so electric, it was so hard for him to resist you

“Not tonight.” he spits out. He knew ifhe wasnt stern with you he would fall directly into your trap

“Yes tonighttt” you say with a giggle and grab his right hand off of the steering wheel, caressing and kissing it softly

As much as your temptation was so hard for jack to resist, he knew just how drunk you were currently

“Im sorry baby, i want you too but youre drunk” jack says to you so sweetly, trying his best to let you down softly. He rolls up the windows and turns the music down a little so you know he is not playing around

You turn your body away from him after hearing his words, you knew pouting was not going to get what you wanted, but you sure did want to show him it made you upset

“ ill make it up to you i promise baby” jack says, trying not to upset you in your inebriated state anymore than he already has

“You always say that” you say rolling yours eyes

Jack reaches for your hand and holds it in his, his thumb stroking it gently

“And dont i always make it up to you?” He asks

“.....Mhm’’ you say reluctantly after much hesitation. You didnt wanna admit he was right. But he did always make it up to you

“I promise” he repeats as he looks over to you. Making sure you know he really means it.

#nj devils #nhl #new jersey devils #jack hughes #hockey blurb #hockey imagine #jack hughes fluff #jack hughes x reader #jack hughes imagine #ifimdreamingwrites

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writing-for-the-gays · 2 months

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The whole being dead thing

(MUSICAL) BEETLEJUICE X GN! PLUS SIZE! MORTICIAN! READER

Beej being really into the readers body, fat4fat bitches rise up. Beetlejuice is a tummy guy.

+nsfw

- Death was something you were well acquainted with. Working with the dead like it was second nature.

- and to you it was, underneath florescent lights and protective gear you felt at home.

- you'd had run-ins with the recently deceased, it wasn't uncommon, in fact a representative of the underworld had given you a couple dozen copies of 'handbook for recently deceased'.

- ghosts were just a part of your job, so when Beetlejuice showed up you didn't think too much of it.

- until he stayed around.

"So why exactly do you stay here with me?" You ask, hands busy gently applying a layer of foundation on an older woman's face. Beetlejuice hums.

"I just like the vibe."

- one night after a particularly rough day (even as a seasoned mortician some things can still get to you.) you smoked a joint in the car before you left the parking lot.

-irresponsible? 100%, but you don't do it often, so Beetlejuice is high-key surprised.

- you're his favorite breather, so of course you smoke weed! And also a lil worried, but he's not exactly sure why yet.

- you end up falling asleep in the car and when you wake up you're leaning on him, he's just kinda looking at you with wide unblinking eyes.

- like a cat focusing on prey?? But y'know kinda lovingly .

- acts differently from that point

- he stops staying there for the 'vibe' he starts saying he just wants to hangout.

- outside of being at the funeral home.

- at YOUR house.

- he still came and went while you worked.

- one night you spark up maybe a little too much, and are just a bit too touchy, and- ah shit he's hard.

- you kiss him; he tries sobering you up. You think he's mad at you. You fucked up.

- you wake up the next morning and Beej checks up on you, and you apologize like crazy and low-key confess.

- he kisses you this time and you reciprocate. And soon his hands are wandering all over your body, and he finds your belly and it's soft and squishy and he can grab at it and and and-

-he short circuits, he can't produce new blood you assume so when it goes to his dick he def gets light headed.

- lets out just this fucking noise from deep in his throat, he's so turned on man.

- you grind on him and he almost cums in his pants 🤩.

- your hands find his body, and you run your hands across his folds and just hold his love handles

- you fuck so hard that night you genuinely have to call of work because you can't walk.

- if you're trans masc he sucks T dick like a binki btw! Runs his tongue over the tip and slurps it down with the filthiest fucking noises, literally bobbing his head up and down, moaning when you pull his hair.

- T shots are followed by head, he can't go without it.

- trans femmes he sucks girl cock like it's his fucking job, will literally only come up to call you a good girl and finger you :3!

- what I'm trying to say is he's super good at giving head, and it's mostly bc he doesn't need to breathe, so he could go until your legs shake and you're crying 🩷.

- also takes it up the ass like a fucking CHAMP, whining for it and his voice literally cracking. (Oh God if you're teasing him, don't get me started, "you take my strap/cock so good pretty boy." "MORE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!")

- he pulls hair, scratches and bites, no you can't convince me otherwise.

-it sparks up... Interesting conflicts in your brain. "It's... not necrophilia, right? Technically??? You're dead, but not like... Dead dead, I can talk to you, and you can consent?"

- he's soft for you.

- but also you'll probably need to wrangle him into the bath.

#x male reader #x fem reader #masc reader #trans masc reader #trans femme reader #x transfem reader #x transmasc reader #beetlejuice x reader #beetlejuice #beetlejuice x transmasc reader #beetlejuice x transfemme reader #Beetlejuice x reader HCs #head canons #romance head canons

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hauntedjohnny · 2 months

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100% Real julie crawford lore and backstory (not clickbait!)

fairly happy home life. fairly well-off (probably the wealthiest of the victims). i imagine them similar to the parents in easy a. free-spirited. not controlling. very loving. julie's dad, however, spent a lot of time away at work so she didn't see him as much as she would like. when she was younger she would act out a bit when he spent all day in his home office and she wanted attention from him. probably has a job as an estate agent or something similar. mom used to be a teacher but retired early, now crafts things like jewellery to sell at markets. julie has an older brother except he's like 10 years older than her so she was basically raised as an only child; she was always making friends with everyone in her neighbourhood though so really it was as if she had 20 siblings.

spent nearly every weekend at the beach as a child. her dad taught her to surf which is why it's very dear to her. she also dabbled in beach volleyball and rollerskating but she is a water baby at heart. at some point, she realised she loved being the centre of attention and when she was a tween she would compete with the older kids in surfing and volleyball etc. and win (nearly) every time. when she hit puberty she got more attention than she realised, naively thinking the older boys were interested in her talents or personality.

when she went to high-school things changed for her. a senior 'dated' her as a freshman which dragged her into the wrong crowds. she was always the youngest one at the senior's parties being told that she's 'mature' enough to be there. despite her better judgement, she enjoyed these parties; she loved dancing, she loved music and she loved people. it was only when she found out the senior was cheating on her and left school without so much as a phonecall did she realise she'd been played for a fool.

except, unlike gun says, this didn't make her a stronger person. she crumbled at the thought of being played with and tossed aside. so, she did what she knew best, basked in the attention of others. it sent her on a mental downward spiral as she spent her weekends at parties instead of the beach, clinging onto any guy or girl that would give her the time of day. she told herself that she was spreading love, dating one person wasn't 'freeing' enough for her but it was all an attempt to control how close people got to her. there were a few girls she got close to, confident they wouldn't hurt her as they'd experienced similar before.

during these years, her dad was taking regular business trips while her mom encouraged her to go have a fun and be social as 'you're not gonna be this age forever', not truly realising the extent of her partying. she'd always been naturally smart, but it was clear her grades were dropping. other than that, her friends and family were none the wiser, julie being able to keep up the sunny facade she's always had.

at some point the alcohol wasn't enough for her so days, she would find the rougher crowds on the outskirts of the beach bonfire, hidden in the coves, taking hallucinogens she probably shouldn't. this led to the night that changed her life. sometime in her junior year her and her friends driving too fast along the coast, a little bit tipsy, a little bit high, causing them to crash. she was the only one to come out of it with no injuries. her best friend lay unconcious in the passenger seat as julie panics trying to save her. no one died but, to julie, it felt like something died. its like her whole world sobered, she couldn't keep spending her life like this so for her senior year she cleaned up her act. told herself she wanted to become a medic, almost as if she was repenting, almost like it was a secret apology for her friend. at this same time, she started running, starting as night runs to clear her head. she soon took to stamina running, short bursts of energy needing to be released. and like most sports, she was good at it.

when she got to university, she roomed with maria. julie was able to make friends with everyone so always included maria in her plans (and vice verse). the parties at university were different, more relaxed. there were actually people her age there. she felt comfortable to drink again, especially when maria is with her. maria grounded julie and made her realise that her love doesn't come with a cost. she begins to love like she did as a child, earnestly. she gets overprotective of maria at times as she doesn't want her to experience the same things she did. she always stick by her at parties and interrogate boys who come up to her. one time she went to the bathroom and returned to her giggling with this long haired boy she learnt to be danny. she soons loosens up and realises maria can hold her own.

there were a few 'relapses' in her first year, the biggest one being the anniversary of the crash, where she would get black-out drunk and dabble with people she typically didnt. julie admits to maria she thought she was meant to die that day and every day since has been extra time, death around the corner waiting for her. one party a few weeks after a relapse, danny suggested she try weed instead of alcohol; it allowed her to feel a high but lose her inhibitions. at 21, she would rather spend a party smoking weed over a single beer than taking shots with strangers.

throughout her years at uni she learnt that she wasn't as good under pressure as she once thought so specialised her medical training into physiotherapy/sports medicine as the environments are less intense and she has a lot of amateur experience in that field. in the back of her mind, however, she always dreams of owning a small house of the beachfront where she spends her days teaching younger kids to surf. she would have a lot to confront mentally before she could do that though. she planned to do this before she graduated but maria went missing and julie would always put maria before herself.

#tcm game #julie crawford #trying to keep it semi-canon with what they revealed #i am trying to cook with rotten scraps here #i gave her trauma im sorry

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chenfordsbby · 9 months

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"Heartbreak"

Season 1, Episode 12 “Heartbreak"

“The team is on high alert during the most dangerous day of the year, Valentine’s Day; Oficer Nolan invites everyone over for a party now that he is single.”

Original Air Date: February 12, 2019

Written By: Vincent Angell

Directed By: Carol Banker

Happy Sunday again- back at it with Episode 12! Lets Get in the Shop, shall we?

Another cold open starting us strong with our favorite rookie trio! And this time it includes also seeing Sargent Grey off duty as well. It’s obvious this episode is going to be centered around Valentines Day and perhaps some type of romance? Leave it to Nolan to ruin Grey’s romantic date night with his wife, who we are introduced too for the first time!

John wakes up on Valentines Day morning to a phone call from a flower shop having trouble being delivered to his ex-wife. This is the first time in 20 years that John is single and on Valentines day and Ben realizes that too. He offers to throw John a Valentines Day party that night to get his mind off of everything.

Angela and Wesley are getting dressed together after clearly spending the previous night together. Their relationship is moving fast, but they seem to like each other. At the same time though, Wesley seems to be a bit more in-tuned with his feelings than Angela is: the mentioning of Valentines Day gifts, wanting to spend more time with her, actually dating her.

Back in the roll call room Valentines Day morning, Grey announces, “Valentines Day is the most dangerous day of the year”. I guess we are going to find out why. Lucy notes that her T.O. is not in the roll call room, to which Grey says that Tim took a personal day, Angela can’t believe it as he’s never taken one a day in his life and Lucy gets succumbed to the front desk duty for the day.

The only valid reason as to why Tim would ever take a personal day: Isabel. This is the first we are seeing Isabel again after laying post brain surgery in a hospital bed after the failed drug bust. She is in a rehab facility and clearly clean and sober and doing good. Even Tim notices, “You look like you again”. This is a side we haven’t seen from Tim since the pilot. It’s like Tim seeing Isabel sober and happy for the first time in a year has made him happy, as it should. He sees his wife again.

Isabel and Tim are walking through the rehab facility, just talking. Something that they haven’t done in years. Isabel tells Tim that she’s been talking to a therapist and how she needs, or wants Tim to trust her again. Tim doesn’t blame Isabel directly for hurting him all those years, he blames the drugs because its the drugs that led Isabel to do what she did to him. It was the addict in her. Isabel says she will always be an addict. Isabel informs Tim that she felt pressure after marrying Tim to live up to his standards, and that she felt like she failed in doing so. Could that be a reason why she chose to go down a path of drug use for so long?

Tim looks distraught, obviously over hearing Isabel tell him that she never felt good enough being his wife, in lack of better wording. Tim doesn’t want to be angry anymore, all he wants is his wife back, but he knows deep down that he really will never have Isabel back. Isabel may be back to her old self but she isn’t the same person that Tim married, not really. There will always be the weight and heaviness between them of Isabels drug use. No matter how well Isabel does in her recovery and on her sober journey, Tim knows that he will always be the constant reminder to Isabel when she was at her very lowest at the height of her drug use. Tim knows that in order for Isabel to 100% recover, he can’t be with her anymore, they can’t be married anymore and he tells her that it’s the end of their relationship. His voice breaks, telling Isabel this, as it should. He is telling his wife of 10 years that their marriage is officially over, even though he knows it’s been over for a while. He does it for Isabel, so she can have the recovery that she deserves, but he also needs to do it for himself too. If they chose to remain married, it would never be like before; like before the drug use. They could pretend everything is better, but it really will never be. There would always be a cloud hanging over both of their heads, both of them waiting for the next ball to drop to affect their marriage. For both of them to move on with their lives, they have to move on separately and accept that their marriage is done. And that decision is the best thing to happen for Isabel and for Tim. Even though he never gave up on her and their marriage even when everyone was telling him to do so, he has to end it here and now. Even now, this still isn’t giving up, it’s giving each other closure; but as Tim is finally walking away from Isabel for the last time, you see the weight of everything that was Isabel and their marriage, finally life off his shoulders. It’s the end of one chapter of Tim’s life but also the beginning of the very next one.

John invites Jackson and Lucy to his Valentines Day party at his house later tonight, to which Lucy and Jackson both accept. He also invites Angela and Talia- Angela does not hesitate to decline but Talia also chooses to pass as she has plans already that Angela doesn’t seem too happy to hear about…

Jackson tries to talk to Angela about her personal life, asking if she’s going to be seeing Wesley for dinner later, but she reminds Jackson, “We’re friendly, not friends”- no personal talk, but Angela still chooses to confide in him anyway, telling Jackson that she saw that Wesley bought her a V-Day gift, even though Wesley doesn’t think that she did, and she doesn’t know what to do. As Jackson and Angela take their guy into the station, Angela sees Wesley being taken in by a fellow officer in handcuffs, a judge booked him for contempt of court, which Angela is having fun with. The first lovers quarrel happens right after as Wesley associates the officer in court with not only Angela but with basically every other officer, period. “Even if he was, that doesn’t give you permission to hurt him like that” “Give me permission”. Angela doesn’t like it and has someone else book him, clearly upset by Wesley’s comment.

Wesley is still being held in a holding cell as the judge still doesn’t want him related yet. Angela puts her pride aside and tells Wesley that if he gets released early enough, shell let him take her out to dinner, but Wesley already made plans for the evening. You can see Angelas face fall, but she recovers and tells Wesley that its no big deal, but she does snoop in his belongings to see what his evening plans are; “Dinner-Melanie”.

Jackson and Angela are at the hospital to take a statement from an assault victim, but it seems Jackson is also there to flirt with the male nurse behind the desk, the same male nurse that Tim berated just an episode ago when he was there with Lucy from the needle exposure. In the room with the assault victim, Jackson and Angela are asking him routine questions, but the victim really doesn’t remember anything, and they are on their way. Nell tells Jackson and Angela that something doesn't add up with the call she sent them on to the assault victim because at the same time this guy was assaulted, there was also another call of derailed kidnapping, the woman who the assault victim was trying to kidnap turned the cards and started attacking him and Angela figures that out after questioning him again with Jackson because he slips up.

When Angela is back at the station to run some reports, Captain Anderson tells her that after detectives looked into her hospital victim, they attached multiple abuse victims and even homicides to him leading him to be a serial killer that they have been looking for. Angela texts that over to Jackson, who is still at the hospital watching over him, but when Jackson goes to check in on him, he pretend to have fallen only to attack Jackson, he knows that they are on to him.

Angela sees Jackson on the floor of Kevin’s hospital room. Kevin knocked Jackson out and took his loaded gun. Angela chases him through the hospital stairwell and fights him until she finally gets the cuffs on him, not without a few bumps and bruises though, he didn’t go down easily. Angela gets to put away a decades long serial killer, good for her!

John and Talia are in the shop together, and John tries to insinuate a personal conversation between him and Talia but is not successful. It still seems that this Rookie/T.O duo are the least to be bonded in any way, in my opinion. Their relationship still seems out of place compared to Jackson and Angela and Tim and Lucy. Something is missing still. They respond to a car accident and a women gets electrocuted by live down wires. John starts to giver her CPR and resuscitates her. She is grateful, as anyone would be. The woman whose live John saved turns up at the front desk of the station asking for John. Desk Duty Lucy pages him over the loud speaker for her. You can slice the awkward silence between Lucy and this woman as they are waiting for John with a knife. This is the first time that Lucy is witnessing anything romantic happening with John since breaking up with him, which is why I think it is awkward for her, but I don’t think she cares, it’s just weird, especially when the woman asks John to come over and check up on her after his shift is done, AWKWARD.

John and Talia respond to an intruder call, as they sweep the house, it is clear and when they go to inform the home owner that it is clear to come out of the bathroom, where she was hiding in, it is the same woman who John rescued “Officer Nolan, came to rescue me again?”. Talia berates the woman for placing a false 9-1-1 call but John asks to speak to her alone. Being very aware of his surroundings, John notices a wedding picture and asks about the woman’s husband, to which she tells him he dies in action almost a year ago and hasn’t been the same since until that very morning when John rescued her. John lets her down easy telling her that he is not interested in her and what she is experiencing is pure adrenaline. I mean she only did get electrocuted a few hours ago that very same day.

John and Lucy are done for the day and start to head out to Nolans Valentines Day Party, which Lucy is quite hesitant to still go too because they run into Angela as they are leaving who tell them that her and Jackson are still working on their case so Jackson won’t be there, and we all know that Lucy only said yes to going because of Jackson. Lucy and John are decorating Johns place getting ready for his Valentines Day party and Ben tells them that he invited over a date, and when he brings her in to meet them, it turns out to be the same woman again that John rescued, Denise. “Oh my God, what a small world”. In an ever so John way, he tells Ben that she is just using him to get to John because she thinks that she has feelings for him when in actuality she’s just transferring those feelings that she still has for her late husband onto John. Classic. John finds Denise waiting for him in bed and she notes that she just wants someone to look at her the way that John looks at Lucy, because she tells him that she noticed that. As John is going to get Denise out of the bed to get her dressed and on her way home, an empty pill bottle falls out of the bed, as she took all the pills. John calls an ambulance and him, Lucy and Ben just need to keep her awake until they arrive. Before the ambulance arrives, looking right at John, she speaks to him as if he was her late husband. She just flat out misses him, she doesn’t know what to do without him there anymore. It’s truly sad. Even though we will never see her again, I hope she gets the help she needs.

Lucy offers to go with Denise to the hospital to make sure that she’s okay, mainly for John because he wanted to go with her, but also because I think she wanted to get out of staying at Johns Valentines Party, and this was her escape out.

Angela brings Talia her flowers that someone sent to her at the station, Angela knowing exactly who they are from: a married, not separated, man that Talia seems to be sleeping with, who went back to his wife. Talia’s personal life is dicey.

At the end of the episode, Tim is back in the station, to do stacks of paperwork to get his mind off of everything that just happened with Isabel. Nell sees him walking through the station, and Tim asks her to go have a very platonic Valentines Day drink with him, as he really needs a friend and she accepts. I like this friendship, and I like Nell. I hope we get to see more of her. Tim deserves to have friends in his life, especially right now and she seems like one of the best.

Angela lets Wesley out of his cell as the judge finally lets him go- Angela lets Wesley know that he can make it in time to go have dinner with Melanie, but he isn’t too happy that Angela searched through his belongings, especially because Melanie is his step-mom. In Angela own words, “I really screwed that one up”.

Jackson goes to the hospital, to bring dinner for not only him but to the male nurse as well, I still don’t know if we know his name yet. He seems very into him, and they go on a date in the hospital, exactly what Jackson intended to do. He looks happy, and this is the first time we are seeing him show any romantic interest in another partner, we love to see it!

John and Ben are packing up all the food and drink for Johns seemingly failed first solo Vanities Day Party, and John tells Ben that it felt good that Denise was into him, which Ben tells him, that makes him human. To Johns surprise, Talia shows up at Johns, ready for the party to see that she’s the only one there, but that’s okay as she hangs out with Ben and John and wants to hear all of the dirty funny stories that Ben has of John fro their school days.

______________________________________________________

Honorable Mention: Lucys street style. I love seeing it!

Episode Peak: Angela and Wesley! I love seeing their relationship come into fruition.

Episode Pit: Tim. He has slowly became one of my favorite characters and seeing him so sad, really hurts.

Quote of the Episode: “I mean, what kind of husband would I be if I left you when you were lost? But you're not lost anymore. And I will always be a reminder of your lowest point of that shame you felt when you put that needle in your arm. So, as long as we're together, you're never gonna be able to move forward. This is the end” ~ Tim Bradford

Episode Rating: 8/10. This was a solid episode. It literally had zero Chenford in it, but that wasn’t the point of this episode. It was for the ending and closure of Isabel and Tim and the start of Wesley and Angela. I know well get out Chenford in due time, but it sucks without them, not gonna lie lol!

Until next time on “Get in The Shop”…

#The Rookie #The Rookie 1x12 #Heartbreak #Tim Bradford #Lucy Chen #Chenford #Angela Lopez #Jackson West #John Nolan #Talia Bishop #Get in the shop: the rookie re-cap blog #thank you again for reading this #I appreciate it so much #1x12 #Melissa O'Neil #Eric Winter #lucy x tim #Tim x Lucy

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pcrfectstorms · 2 years

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ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ɪᴛ ᴛᴏᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ɪ ᴄᴀɴ’ᴛ ʙʀᴇᴀᴛʜᴇ || sᴛᴇᴠᴇ ʜᴀʀʀɪɴɢᴛᴏɴ

She changes in the months that follow the battle at star court mall, it's subtle at first, subtle enough to go unnoticed by the younger boys, not through malice but though naivety and the distraction that was high school, a whole new world opening up for them, but Steve notices. It's the times he picks the kids up from the arcade, and Max isn’t there, a brushed off she’s helping her mom, or some other excuse that Steve can see through; or it’s the times she is there, but there’s this sadness in her smile that he recognises in a heartbeat, so he makes a point to check in on her from time to time. To stop by the trailer park on nights he knows she’ll be home alone with a terrible movie he’s picked out at the video store and more snacks than they couldn’t possibly get though, Max tries to tell him she’s fine that she doesn’t need a babysitter, but Steve’s stubborn - sometimes Robin comes too; the movie choices always better when she does.

He thought she’d be safe; on the outside, away from the real danger, they had a plan, and maybe it wasn’t the best plan, but it should have worked, everyone should have lived, everyone was supposed to live. The first blow comes when he finds Eddie’s lifeless body with Dustin barely 100 yards from the trailer, and he tries to hold it together for Dustin, but he can’t, “you weren’t supposed to be the hero munson, dammit.” he whispers through tears, voice catching in his throat, a kiss pressed into the top of Eddie’s bandana. The second blow comes once they get out of the upside down, and their worst fears confirmed when then see the crater running through Hawkins from each of the four gates.

Steve drives Dustin to the hospital, and they met Lucas and Erica there, the devastation on Lucas’ face damn near floors him, he can barely bring himself to tell them about Eddie; how he’d died a hero. This was all Steve’s fault. He never should have let Dustin and Eddie come with them into the upside down; he never should have left Max and Lucas alone in the Creel house, he’s so fucking stupid, and his stupidity cost two of his friends their lives; the doctor says she died but by some miracle came back, but it's been days and there’s no sign of her waking up. He doesn’t go into see her that day, makes excuses that he’ll come back later, that she needs Lucas and her mom right now, but the reality is the guilts too much, it leaves a gnawing ache in his gut that makes him want to throw up.

Eddie was dead because of him. Max was gone because of him.

He’s finally alone back at his place, no parent in sight, they call a lacklustre gesture to check in on him, but no talk of when they’ll be home. He’s used to being alone; a lonely kid who’s spend more hours alone in this house than he can remember, but for once he’s glad of it -- he deserves to be alone, to suffer. Back against the wall when his mom hangs up, dropping it down at his side to dangle from the cradle, sliding down until he’s sitting on the floor and that’s when it all comes spilling out, everything he’d held back while still with Dustin, and the others, his chest heaves with each breath that he struggles to take, lungs feel like lead, a dead weight crushing him from the inside out, hot tears spilling down his cheeks, onto his sweater, hugging his knees to his chest as he sits there in the dark on the kitchen floor sobbing; for Eddie, for Max. It should have been him. And he gets it now, how Max felt after Billy, that guilt that rages though him, it's suffocating. He seeks out his father's whiskey and drinks enough until he passes out, wakes up in his bed hugging Eddie’s vest and Max’s just in case things went bad letter open next to him, cruel reminders of the people he couldn’t save.

By the third day he brings himself to the hospital alone, he walks because he hasn’t been sober since, he hugs Max’s mom in the waiting room, whispers over and over how sorry he is, how much Max means to him; how much all the kids do -- he brings flowers ‘cause that’s what you do, right? He’s thankful when Susan gives him the grace to go in to see he alone, the beeps and lights of the machines flash back to when he’d visited him Grandma in the hospital as a kid, a sickness twisting in his gut as he looks at her in the bed, all limbs in paster, she looked so small lying there, swallowing thick the lump in his throat as he sits down next to her, head hung in shame as he holds her hand, trying to find the words to say something, anything -- “ I read your letter, I know I wasn’t supposed to but -- when did I ever do what I was told, right? “ a beat, eyes flash up to look at her face, red hair framing it, “i knew you secretly like those movies by the way -- everyone loves John hughes --” a teary laugh quiet on his lips, eyes squeezing together, he’s not even trying to hold back the tears now, not as the waves of guilt wash over him -- he’d swap places with her in a heart beat if he could -- “I’m sorry Max, I’m so sorry, this was never supposed to happen, I’m so sorry kid, I let you down, I let everyone down.”

#❛ so you think you know me ❜ [ headcanons; steve harrington ]#THIS FUCKED ME UP #PERSONALS DO NOT REBLOG.#Mutuals feel free to interact #if this hurts you ; please know that i cried writing this lmao

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astrognossienne · 2 years

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scandalous star: henry fonda - an analysis

“I don't really like myself. Never did. People mix me up with the characters I play. I'm not a great guy like [some of the characters I play]. I'd like to be but I'm not.” - Henry Fonda

Pity. I love Henry Fonda. Mainly because he reminds me so much of my own father, who also happens to be a strong, silent Taurus. His bearing suggested something like morality, a sort of ethics of posture and gait: upright and humane, empathic if also stoic and withdrawn. Indeed, he was, onscreen, a man who exemplified for nearly half a century a man of honesty and decency in more than 100 film and stage roles. So much of what we know about Fonda derives from the authority of his body on-screen: a long, taut, calibrated instrument, most expressive when restrained—as it nearly always was. He perfected an understated style that might be called precisionist, his performances all sharp lines and edges. He acted naturally. On film, he repeatedly bears the values, and burdens, of civilization. Many people my age associate him not with the performances of his Ford-era classics—the stunning 12 Angry Men being my personal favourite—but with his self-portrait as the flinty father in the sentimental 1981 drama On Golden Pond, his swan song for which he won an Oscar.

Fonda was the patriarch of a family of famous actors, including daughter Jane, son Peter, granddaughter Bridget, and grandson Troy Garity. His two biological children, Peter and especially Jane, are more immediate in the collective consciousness, linked to ’60s counterculture via hedonism and leftist radicalism, and because each had a publicly strained relationship with him. Fonda is a man stranded due to the intensities of familial strife, amplified into cultural conflict. Off-screen, Fonda was a useless father and unfaithful husband. True to his earth and air dominance, Fonda loathed displays of feeling in himself or others, and this was a consistent part of his character. Whenever he felt that his emotional wall was being breached, he had outbursts of anger, exhibiting a furious temper that terrified his family. He was described as cold, self-absorbed and a bully to women, not to mention a shameless womanizer, marrying five times. He drove his second wife, Jane’s mother, to suicide. Fonda—the outmoded liberal, the vital-center moderate who is too accepting of compromise—seems marooned on the far side of the 1960s. Nonetheless, I love his equanimity and his sober dignified maturity: a man with a mournful appreciation of the past and its costs, rather than a heedless orientation toward the future.

Henry Jaynes Fonda, according to astrotheme, was a Taurus sun and Libra moon. He was born in Grand Island, Nebraska, to the former Herberta Jaynes and William Brace Fonda, owner of a small printing company in Omaha. Initially, he was a short shy boy keenly interested in boys scouting; but avoided girls as much as he could. When he was 14, he and his father witnessed the brutal lynching of a black man named Will Brown from a nearby building during the Omaha race riot of 1919. This enraged the young Fonda and he kept a keen awareness of prejudice for the rest of his life. Towards the end of his school years he suddenly grew tall and handsome. His aim in life was to become journalist and he graduated from the Omaha Central High School in 1923. He attended the University of Minnesota, studying journalism while working in two jobs, as a physical-education instructor at a settlement house and as a troubleshooter for the telephone company. In his sophomore year, he later said, he was exhausted and returned home for a rest.While supporting himself with a series of unsatisfying jobs, he was persuaded by Dorothy Brando, a family friend and the mother of the future star Marlon Brando, to join the Omaha Community Playhouse, where Mr. Fonda acted, painted scenery, became assistant director - and resolved on his career. After two years at the playhouse, he decided to try his luck in New York - to no avail. He went on to Cape Cod, Massachusetts, where he joined the University Players, composed of college students, including future film stars James Stewart (who became his life-long friend) and Margaret Sullavan, who was to become Fonda's first wife. Over the next four summers and one winter season with the group, Mr. Fonda played a wide variety of leading roles, becoming a seasoned actor. His marriage to Sullavan ended in divorce in 1933. On Broadway, meanwhile, he got a walk-on part and bit roles in two short-lived plays, and he appeared in comedy skits in the 1934 hit revue ''New Faces.''

In the succeeding decade, the actor alternated easily between films and the theater. Fonda was a rising star in 1936 when he met beautiful but emotionally fragile New York socialite Frances Ford Seymour on the set of a British film, Wings Of The Morning, which he was making in England.

Frances Ford Seymour, Henry’s doomed second wife

After a whirlwind romance, Frances badgered Henry into getting married. Frances was the daughter of an American industrialist whose family claimed ancestry from Henry VIII’s third wife Jane Seymour – a fact that was reflected in Jane Fonda’s full name being Lady Jayne Seymour Fonda. Medical records revealed that Seymour was a victim of recurrent sexual abuse in her childhood. According to her daughter Jane, it was at the hands of her piano teacher. The abuse left Frances traumatized, and turned her into a promiscuous adolescent who had nine abortions before her first daughter Frances de Villers "Pan" Brokaw was born; Seymour’s first, much older husband, businessman George Brokaw, was a violent alcoholic who beat her savagely. A year after Brokaw died, Seymour married Henry Fonda. Their daughter Jane was born in 1937. Flighty and self-absorbed, Frances ignored her daughter, who she left to be brought up by nannies. Her father was no better, preferring to fly kites with his good friend, movie star Jimmy Stewart, than spend time with either one of his children. Frances was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after the birth of Peter in 1940. Discovering that her husband was cheating on her with other women, Frances went to desperate lengths to regain his attention. She would walk around naked in front of him and even crawl on her hands and knees to him, begging him to talk to her. It didn’t work. Terrified she was losing her looks, she would spend hours in her darkened bedroom, wearing a chin strap and eye pads to keep her skin youthful. She had plastic surgery long before it was commonplace.

In August 1949, Fonda announced to Frances that he wanted a divorce so he could marry his mistress Susan Blanchard; their 13 years of marriage had not been happy ones for him. Devastated, Frances spiraled into a mental breakdown and had repeated stays in psychiatric hospitals, sometimes being confined in a straitjacket. Rather than comfort a woman who was descending into madness, her husband’s main concern was for the damage it would cause to his career if word got out his wife was in a ‘loony bin’. When Frances was allowed home briefly from a psychiatric institution (shadowed by nurses because she was on suicide watch), she called out desperately for Jane. But the 12-year-old hid upstairs. Frances didn’t see her daughter that day, but she did manage to distract her nurses long enough to slip a tiny razor into her pocket. A week later, on her 42nd birthday in April 1950, she shut herself in a bathroom at the hospital and used the razor to kill herself by slashing her throat from ear to ear. Unperturbed, Henry Fonda performed on Broadway that night as usual. He didn’t even give their two children the farewell letters their mother had written them, and insisted that she had died of a heart attack. Her daughter Jane only learned the awful truth about her mother’s suicide months later when a fellow school pupil showed her a report in a film magazine. Her brother Peter didn’t know for years. By then, having been packed off to boarding school where she had nightmares every night about her dead mother, Jane wrote to her father about her terrors. Henry returned her letters with her grammatical errors highlighted in red ink, refusing ever to discuss the suicide. Later in that same year, Fonda married Blanchard.

He starred in comedies such as The Lady Eve with one of his favourite co-stars, Barbara Stanwyck (who he had a lifelong crush on). In World War II, Fonda enlisted in the Navy as a seaman, rising to lieutenant and receiving a Bronze Star and Presidential citation for his work as an operations and air-combat intelligence officer in the Pacific. He starred in movies directed by John Ford, and their collaborations produced a number of classic films that established Fonda as a star. It was his role as the dispossessed farmer and ex-convict Tom Joad in The Grapes of Wrath (1940), an adaptation of John Steinbeck’s novel that earned Fonda particular praise and his first Academy Award nomination. After the war, Fonda took a break from movies and attended Hollywood parties and enjoyed civilian life. Stewart and Fonda would listen to records and invite Johnny Mercer, Hoagy Carmichael, Dinah Shore, and Nat King Cole over for music, with the latter giving the family piano lessons. In 1957 Fonda made his first foray into producing with 12 Angry Men, in which he also starred. Early on, the film drew poorly, but after gaining recognition and awards, it proved a success. During the 1960s, Fonda performed in a number of war and Western epics, including 1962's The Longest Day and the Cinerama production How the West Was Won. His third marriage, to Susan Blanchard, with whom he adopted his daughter Amy, ended in divorce, as did his fourth marriage, to Contessa Afdera Franchetti. His fifth wife was the former Shirlee Mae Adams.

Despite approaching his seventies, Fonda continued to work in theater, television and film through the 1970s. Hollywood first made its amends in April 1981, when it awarded him an honorary Oscar for career-long achievement. A year later Hollywood underscored its esteem by awarding him the Oscar for On Golden Pond. With 10 Academy Award nominations, the film earned nearly $120 million at the box office, becoming an unexpected blockbuster. In addition to wins for his co-star Katharine Hepburn (Best Actress), and Best Screenplay, On Golden Pond brought Fonda his only Oscar - for Best Actor (he was the oldest recipient of the award; it also earned him a Golden Globe Best Actor award). Fonda was by that point too ill to attend the ceremony, and his daughter Jane accepted on his behalf. Fonda died at his Los Angeles home on August 12, 1982, from heart disease. He was 77.

Next, I’ll cover an equally taciturn yet feisty Taurus: the famously cantankerous Katharine Hepburn.

STATS

birthdate: May 16, 1905

major planets:

Sun: Taurus

Moon: Libra

Rising: Virgo

Mercury: Taurus

Venus: Aries

Mars: Scorpio

Midheaven: Gemini

Jupiter: Taurus

Saturn: Pisces

Uranus: Capricorn

Neptune: Cancer

Pluto: Gemini

Overall personality snapshot: The principles of justice and harmony featured strongly in all he did. He wanted to get to grips with ideas and translate his vision of Utopia into a realistic proposition, but probably discovered the necessity for compromise. This may have disillusioned him at first, but later will become central to the way he operated. Innately sociable and convivial, he was genuinely interested in other people and indeed needed large amounts of kindness and affection. He wanted the best for everyone but he made sure that he did not skimp on himself. He thrived in beautiful surroundings and in the company of elegant minds. An innately aesthetic person, and probably quite romantic as well, he brought a genuine warmth and lively concern to all social gatherings, which made him downright flirtatious sometimes. If he was an artist, he created works of art that were good enough to eat; if he became a chef, dishes that were works of art. Whatever he did, his creations will express his innate sense of harmony, beauty and style. A lively social conscience is another aspect of this combination, as well as an awareness of the importance of education in the healthy development of the individual and of society.

He was attracted to progressive ideas that assert the inalienable rights of every human being, and he accepted the paradoxical fact that everyone is different and yet the same. He believed in a society that respects both material needs and high moral values, and his social instinct and pragmatic perseverance may have taken him into social-welfare work or the political arena where he could express his power and idealism. He learned how to make others see the intelligence of his thinking by first listening to and valuing their thinking on the subject. But he probably had a diplomatic knack of making sure the substance of his view prevails. And he could really impress with the practicality of his approach: he economized with flair and used the resources to hand. Waste not, want not, he always said. He also knew that a happy, convivial, relaxed atmosphere was the most conducive to constructive communication and compromise. Conflict is anathema to his being and he employed his natural diplomatic skills to overcome antagonism in any setting – with the sheer force of his magnetic personality.

His body was neat and wiry, and he used neat and economical movements. His well-groomed appearance was mirrored in his cool and classic way of dressing, good posture, fine bone structure and animated expression. Physically, he possessed good stamina. He tended to look younger than he really was, all the way through into his later years. He was practical, steady and patient, but he could be inflexible in his views. One thing he did have was plenty of common sense and good powers of concentration, although he tended to think that purely abstract thought was a waste of time. His thought processes weren’t as quick as others, but his decisions were made with a lot of thought behind them. He loved to talk and to travel, so with his able to combine these two in her job as an author, he was happy. He needed to have a fair degree of variety and change within his job, and the aspect of travel may have satisfied this. In whatever job he would have done, he would always have been the perpetual student, as long as the subject was interesting enough. He was a person who wanted a first-class life-style, and who treasured his possessions. He needed to be able to feel materially secure, and he probably gained wealth through sheer industry, because he was patient, steady and confident in this area of his life. However, he may also have been a little too trusting when it came to money, presuming too easily that there is always more where it came from. His acquired wealth may be generously distributed, both on himself, for he was self-indulgent, and on others, because he was vulnerable to sob stories.

A rather complex person, he was artistic, creative, intuitive and compassionate. At times, he was his own worst enemy, because he tended to relive past errors over and over again, which gave him a negative outlook on life. He could be hypersensitive and moody, needing quiet and solitude. Although he had a basic fear of subjects he didn’t understand, they fascinated him nevertheless. He looked for a life partner who had similar ideals to him. He belonged to a generation with a rational and logical attitude to life, a time when scientific advances came to the fore. There was a conflict between tradition and convention, and the experimental and unconventional. As an individual, he learned to strike a balance between the erratic and the conventional. He had the ability to come up with original ideas which could be of practical value. He was part of an emotionally sensitive generation that was extremely conscious of the domestic environment and the atmosphere surrounding their home place and home country. In fact, he could be quite nostalgic about his homeland, religion and traditions, often seeing them in a romantic light. He felt a degree of escapism from everyday reality, and was very sensitive to the moods of those around him. Fonda embodied all of these Cancer Neptunian ideals, trying in vain for the rest of his life to please his moody, petty, vicious mother and live up to her expectations. As a Gemini Plutonian, he showed an enormous amount of mental vitality, originality and perception. Traditional customs and taboos were examined and rejected for newer and more original ways of doing things.

Love/sex life: The bad news first; he was one of the least subtle of the Scorpio Martian lovers and his attempts at using his sexuality as a means to dominate were likely to be clumsy, bombastic and, in the end, ineffective. His biggest problem is a lack of patience. For most people of this type, sex is a time-consuming activity in which erotic sensibilities are allowed to simmer slowly in a thick stew of emotional meaning and physical delight, but he was just too impulsive and too horny for such drawn out processes. He needed his pleasure now. Now the good news; he was one of the most active lovers of this type. He was not content to just sit back and observe passion. He went out, found it and made it his own. He liked challenges in his relationships—new experiences, aggressive partners and the spice of a good fight. This kept his sexual instincts sharp and helped him resist the temptation to sink into redundant sensuality. In a nutshell, he was the most alert, dynamic and courageous of all the lovers of this Martian type. So why should he have had to wait?

In 1949, when Fonda told his mentally fragile second wife Frances Ford Brokaw he wanted a divorce so he could marry his 20-year-old mistress, the devastated Brokaw spiraled into increasing mental instability and entered a psychiatric hospital for treatment. Four months later, at age 42, she committed suicide by slitting her throat with a stolen razor. Fonda refused to discuss her suicide with his children, who didn't learn the truth for years. The following year, at the age of 45, Fonda married Susan Blanchard, stepdaughter of theatrical producer Oscar Hammerstein II, who later became a producer herself. They adopted a daughter named Amy in 1953. Blanchard was in awe of Fonda, and she described her role in the marriage as "a geisha", doing everything she could to please him, dealing with and solving problems he would not acknowledge. But five years of marriage was enough for Blanchard. Italian baroness Afdera Franchetti became Fonda's fourth wife two years after his divorce from Blanchard. Audrey Hepburn introduced the two while she and Fonda were in Italy filming War and Peace. Franchetti and Fonda married in 1957 and divorced four years later in 1961. Fonda's final and most enduring marriage was to Shirlee Adams, a former flight attendant and model whom he married in 1965. She was at his side when he died. It seems Fonda had finally met his match and mellowed in the process.

minor asteroids and points:

North Node: Virgo

Lilith: Taurus

Vertex: Aquarius

Fortune: Aquarius

East Point: Virgo

His North Node in Virgo dictated that his tendency to dream and be disorganized needed to be tempered by developing more practical and down-to-earth attitudes. His Lilith in Taurus dictated that he was dangerously attracted to women who were unabashed sensualists. These women were earthy, smutty, and totally without apology for their perfectly natural needs. He fell for women whose gut instincts were impeccable, their libido formidable, and whose sexual life-forces operated above and beyond petty morality. His Vertex in Aquarius, 6th house dictated that he yearned for completion of himself through the highest ideal of friendship. Hidden in the inner recesses of his soul were desires for a union that would impact the world in an almost utopian sense. There was a yearning for each act of intimacy to reflect a conviction of how all relationships should be in order for the world to be a better place.There was no place for exhibitions of jealousy with him. If his lover joined him in his lofty dreams, they had a companion for life. He had an attitude of duty, obligation and sacrifice when it came to heartfelt interactions. He tended to become hypochondriacal or martyristic to get the love so desperately wanted. There was a need for others to appreciate the sincerity of his intentions, to the daily tasks he executed in a conscientious and caring way and for others to know that his actions, no matter how routine they may have seemed, were based on devoted love.

His Part of Fortune in Aquarius and Part of Spirit in Leo dictated that his destiny lay in opening his mind and experiencing unique and unconventional life experiences. Happiness and fulfillment came from following pursuits that were idealistic, innovative and unique. This was especially so where there was a humanitarian benefit to his efforts. His soul’s purpose asked him to take a prominent position in life as a leader of some sort. He felt spiritual connections and the spark of the divine when he stepped forward into the spotlight and performed. East Point in Virgo dictated that he was most likely to personally identify with the need to work and to be pragmatic. He needed early responsibilities (which were within his capabilities). He tended to feel guilty when not working, as if he should be contributing in some way. He was generally identified with his work (“I am what I do.”) and with a performance orientation. If carried too far, this led to excessive self-criticism. When done in moderation, he was simply very practical and realistic, usually worked hard and saw life and himself clearly.

elemental dominance:

earth

air

He was a practical, reliable man and could provide structure and protection. He was oriented toward practical experience and thought in terms of doing rather than thinking, feeling, or imagining. Could be materialistic, unimaginative, and resistant to change. But at his best, he provided the practical resources, analysis, and leadership to make dreams come true. He was communicative, quick and mentally agile, and he liked to stir things up. He was likely a havoc-seeker on some level. He was oriented more toward thinking than feeling. He carried information and the seeds of ideas. Out of balance, he lived in his head and could be insensitive to the feelings of others. But at his best, he helped others form connections in all spheres of their daily lives.

modality dominance:

fixed

He liked the challenge of managing existing routines with ever more efficiency, rather than starting new enterprises or finding new ways of doing things. He likely had trouble delegating duties and had a very hard time seeing other points of view; he tried to implement the human need to create stability and order in the wake of change.

house dominants:

8th

9th

10th

He loved the totality of the human experience and embraced the whole cycle of human life, including birth, sex and death. His darker side, and the complexes and emotions that he preferred to keep hidden, even from himself was a theme throughout his life. His ability to undergo deep personal transformations and spiritual regeneration was also highlighted. Traveling, whether physically across the globe, on a mental plane or expanding through study was a major theme in his life. He was not only concerned with learning facts, but also wanted to understand the connections formed between them and the philosophies and concepts they stand for. His conscience, as well as foreign travel, people and places was also of paramount importance in his life. His ambition in relation to the outside world, the identity he wished to achieve in regard to the community at large, and his career aspirations were all themes that were emphasized throughout his life. All matters outside the home, his public image and reputation were very important to his. His attitude to people in authority, and how he viewed the outside world, as well as the influence of his mother and his own attitude to her was highlighted.

planet dominants:

Mercury

Pluto

Venus

He was intelligent, mentally quick, and had excellent verbal acuity. He dealt in terms of logic and reasoning. It was likely that he was left-brained. He was restless, craved movement, newness, and the bright hope of undiscovered terrains. He brought about complete and profound transformations in his life, good or bad. He felt the need to let go of what was familiar to him and accept new and different ways of being and doing things. There were areas in his life where he had to accept regeneration, which involved the destruction of the old and the creation of the new. He was romantic, attractive and valued beauty, had an artistic instinct, and was sociable. He had an easy ability to create close personal relationships, for better or worse, and to form business partnerships.

sign dominants:

Taurus

Gemini

Virgo

His stubbornness and determination kept him around for the long haul on any project or endeavour. He was incredibly patient, singular in his pursuit of goals, and determined to attain what he wanted. Although he lacked versatility, he compensated for it by enduring whatever he had to in order to get what he wanted. He ventured out to see what else was there and seized upon new ideas that expanded his community. His innate curiosity kept him on the move. He used his rational, intellectual mind to explore and understand his personal world. He needed to answer the single burning question in his mind: why? This applied to most facets of his life, from the personal to the impersonal. This need to know sent him off to foreign countries, where his need to explore other cultures and traditions ranked high. He was changeable and often moody. This meant that he was often at odds with himself—the mind demanding one thing, the heart demanding the opposite. To someone else, this internal conflict often manifested as two very different people. He was a discriminating, attractive, thorough, scientific, hygienic, humane, scientific man and had the highest standards. His attention to detail was second to none and he had a deeply penetrative and investigative mind.

Read more about him under the cut:

This remarkable, soft-spoken American began in films as a diffident juvenile. With passing years, he matured into a star character actor who exemplified not only integrity and strength, but an ideal of the common man fighting against social injustice and oppression. Henry's father, William Brace Fonda, was a commercial printer, proprietor of the W. B. Fonda Printing Company in Omaha, Nebraska. His distant ancestors were Italians who had fled their country and moved to Holland, presumably because of political or religious persecution. In the mid-1600's, they crossed the Atlantic and settled in upstate New York where they founded a community with the Fonda name. Growing up, Henry developed an early interest in journalism after having a story published in a local newspaper. At the age of twelve, he helped in his father's printing business for $2 a week. Following graduation from high school in 1923, he got a part-time job in Minneapolis with the Northwestern Bell Telephone Company which allowed him at first to pursue journalistic studies at the University of Minnesota. As it became difficult to juggle his working hours with his academic roster, he obtained another position as a physical education instructor at $30 a week, including room and board. By this time, he had grown to a height of six foot one and was a natural for basketball. In 1925, having returned to Omaha, Henry reevaluated his options and came to the conclusion that journalism was not his forte, after all. For a while, he tried his hand at several temporary jobs, including as a mechanic and a window dresser. Then, despite opposition from his parents, Henry accepted an offer from Gregory Foley, director of the Omaha Playhouse, to play the title role in 'Merton of the Movies'. His father would not speak to him for a month. The play and its star received fairly good notices in the local press. It ran for a week, after which Henry observed "the idea of being Merton and not myself taught me that I could hide behind a mask". For the rest of the repertory season, Henry advanced to assistant director which enabled him to design and paint sets as well as act. A casual trip to New York, however, had already made him set his sights on Broadway. In 1928, he headed east and briefly played in summer stock before joining the University Players, a group of talented Princeton and Harvard graduates among whose number were such future luminaries as James Stewart (who would remain his closest lifelong friend), Joshua Logan and Kent Smith. Before long, Henry played leads opposite Margaret Sullavan, soon to become the first of his five wives. Both marriage and the players broke up four years later. In 1932, Henry found himself sharing a two-room New York apartment with Jimmy Stewart and Joshua Logan. For the next two years, he alternated scenic design with acting at various repertory companies. In 1934, he got a break of sorts, when he was given the chance to present a comedy sketch with Imogene Coca in the Broadway revue New Faces. That year, he also hired Leland Hayward as his personal management agent and this was to pay off handsomely. It was Hayward who persuaded the 29-year old to become a motion picture actor, despite initial misgivings and reluctance on Henry's part. Independent producer Walter Wanger, whose growing stock company was birthed at United Artists, needed a star for The Farmer Takes a Wife (1935). With both first choice actors Gary Cooper and Joel McCrea otherwise engaged, Henry was the next available option. After all, he had just completed a successful run on Broadway in the stage version. The cheesy publicity tag line for the picture was "you'll be fonder of Fonda", but the film was an undeniable hit. Wanger, realizing he had a good thing going, next cast Henry in a succession of A-grade pictures which capitalized on his image as the sincere, unaffected country boy. Pick of the bunch were the Technicolor outdoor western The Trail of the Lonesome Pine (1936), the gritty Depression-era drama You Only Live Once (1937) (with Henry as a back-to-the-wall good guy forced into becoming a fugitive from the law by circumstance), the screwball comedy The Moon's Our Home (1936) (with ex-wife Sullavan), the excellent pre-civil war-era romantic drama Jezebel (1938) and the equally superb Young Mr. Lincoln (1939), in which Henry gave his best screen performance to date as the 'jackleg lawyer from Springfield'. Henry made two more films with director John Ford: the pioneering drama Drums Along the Mohawk (1939) and The Grapes of Wrath (1940), with Henry as Tom Joad, often regarded his career-defining role as the archetypal grassroots American trying to stand up against oppression. It also set the tone for his subsequent career. Whether he played a lawman (Wyatt Earp in My Darling Clementine (1946)), a reluctant posse member (The Ox-Bow Incident (1942), a juror committed to the ideal of total justice in (12 Angry Men (1957)) or a nightclub musician wrongly accused of murder (The Wrong Man (1956)), his characters were alike in projecting integrity and quiet authority. In this vein, he also gave a totally convincing (though historically inaccurate) portrayal in the titular role of The Return of Frank James (1940), a rare example of a sequel improving upon the original. Henry rarely featured in comedy, except for a couple of good turns opposite Barbara Stanwyck -- with whom he shared an excellent on-screen chemistry -- in The Mad Miss Manton (1938) and The Lady Eve (1941). He was also good value as a poker-playing grifter in the western comedy A Big Hand for the Little Lady (1966). Finally, just to confound those who would typecast him, he gave a chilling performance as one of the coldest, meanest stone killers ever to roam the West, in Sergio Leone's classic Once Upon a Time in the West (1968). Illness curtailed his work in the 1970s. His final screen role was as an octogenarian in On Golden Pond (1981), in which he was joined by his daughter Jane. It finally won him an Oscar on the heels of an earlier Honorary Academy Award. Too ill to attend the ceremony, he died soon after at the age of 77, having left a lasting legacy matched by few of his peers. (x)

#henry fonda #taurus #astrology #scandalous stars #star analyses #long ass post #mine

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 2 years

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#26

I took 150 last night and somehow passed out on it so I'm finna take 350 now that I'm awake so that I can get slightly high while being mostly sober by the time my bsf calls me today.

AFTERMATH

I took wayyyy more than 350. I think I took 1.1k overall. Took 200 and let it wear off completely instead of taking the extra 150 after a bit like I planned. Then I started crying.. then I chilled for a bit.. then cried some more. It got badddd I was snotting it up and my arm was genuinely wet wet from all rapidly flowing eye water smh

When I got otp with my best friend I was soberish. I was still crying at that point but I made sure I wasn't sobbing in her ear or anything. She had me spill the beans and by the end of it i was cackling off her mocking my sniffles. She's such a dick i stg 😭

Anyway after she calmed me dowm, she dipped to do some busy work with her mom. I ended up popping another 850 in the meantime. She said she'd be back in 30 mins and I think it was uh.. I think an hour and a half atp so I figured she forgot and I was off the hook for the day. But nah. She texted then called me and I had.. absolutely zero chance of hiding how gone I was.

Mostly I can still hide the junk even when I'm sky high cause with pretty much anyone else im not doing a lot of the talking and my slight chuckles and agreement noises is usually enough. R, however, is fucking hilarious and I'm always laughing at stupid shit she'll say. Which is kinda a problem asss i have a hard time laughing while im that high. My mouth and throat be so dry and to a point where talking in itself is a big task so laughing is pretty much out the question. Plus, kinda weird but i have a hard time finding anything funny in general. Soo when I was sitting there super quiet and not reacting much to stuff she'd say, I ended up fessing up so she wouldn't overthink my silence. Knowing her she probably would've blamed it on herself somehow so it wasn't even worth hiding imo.

It was kinda sad tbh. I'm glad we did get to talk some yesterday but we did way less talking than we'd usually do cause of all of that junk. I went to sleep promptly after we got off the phone as I felt weird. And kinda sad ngl.

When I first woke up I could still feel the remnants of yesterday's dose and I was exhausted but couldn't sleep anymore as I had already slept for I think... 10 hours? Maybe 9 I dunno

Aside from that symptom wise I'm mostly normal. Still feel a little floaty and I'm not 100% for full ass convos rn. I wanna sleep some more but I have a kitchen to clean + I was picking at my skin again so I need to do some aftercare on my skin to minimize scarring as much as I can. I mostly pick at my legs and for that I don't really bother with caring for scars. While I don't really cut myself anymore and I wasn't too too into it before either, my thighs are still covered in scars from them. That plus a few scars that have only recently fully went away made me care a lot less for how my legs look. But nowadays I be forgetting to keep my picking to my legs and started picking at my face again. That I try to hide cause my dad constantly comments on shit like that and I just don't want him to acknowledge it

Lowkey dealing with heartburn and sharp pain in my stomach. Prolly cause I took that much at once and didn't really eat before. I had hella cereal earlier in the day and that was about it

I really gotta start remembering to eat.. I'm fat and all (well. Chubby. Mfs get so confused when I call myself fat 💀) but at the same point I think it'd be kinda sus if I randomly lose weight weight like that. Especially with how shady I've been acting lmao

NOTES/EMOTIONS

Mm. I don't know how to explain my mindset rn. I feel completely useless and I want to just wither away and get forgotten by everyone all at once. I'm sure that's due to the mix of bs I have floating around in my head. I'm tryna keep it together tho. I haven't been drinking enough water as is and I'm sure me crying again is gonna make that worseeee so I'll just try and distract myself for now

I'm so fucking tired of crying. Why can't I just be happy

#dph #benadryl #diphenhydramine #dph addiction #trip reports #vent

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pumpkzsafeplace · 4 months

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𝔼𝕝𝕚𝕫𝕒 │ 02.

(includes swearing and other strong language!)

Eliza was struck frozen.

The only thing she could hear in this blur of noise was the sound of her own heart becoming unsteady. Without thinking, she grabbed hold on the small loosely hung necklace, tugging it gently in hopes of grounding herself sometime soon. Thankfully, the headphones took the brunt of the environment, but the shouting still snuck under the covering like a child attempting to steal the last cookie in the jar.

When the floor stopped feeling like a moving house, Eliza took time to take in what was actually going on with fidgeting hands.

The ringleader of the commotion was a woman who looked no older than twenty-five. Her blonde hair was tatted and unbrushed as it clumped together messily against her tense shoulders. Her green eyes looked enraged as she slammed her fist against the already dinted door repeatedly, not stopping until she received what she wanted.

Once Eliza had a better understanding of the situation, she felt more capable of tackling it. It’s not like she hadn’t seen a fight before, it was just a lot to be hit with as soon as the elevator doors opened to your new ‘safe space’. With a tilt of her head, she attempted to work out just how she was going to get past this on-going commotion. There wasn’t enough room to squeeze past without being noticed, and she wasn’t about to just jump into this deep water- she wasn’t suicidal… all the time.

The woman moved jerkily again, catching Eliza off guard as she jumped a little in place. She let out a sudden snort as she took a deep breath, pulling up her ill-fitting and see-through leggings with a sway. Although looking sober? Eliza was quick to find out that her presumption was incredibly wrong as her jaw swung while resting her hands on the chipped door to regain her fighting strength to carry on.

Right c’mon- you can’t stay out here forever. We’ll have to get past one way or another, we have a schedule to stick too- what if Mr. Rodgers get’s annoyed that we’re taking too long and cancels our stay?

Eliza spoke mentally to herself, trying to pluck up the courage from micro pieces.

But this place was seeming tricker by the minute, as just as Eliza stepped a foot in the right direction, the woman’s calls were finally answered too from behind the chipped door- and boy did he seem angry.

“F*** off you s***! You slept with my bro first- who the f*** does that? Who the f*** sleeps with their boyfriend’s best friend?! And what do I get in return? You coming to MY house and tried to make a show of ME. No, I don’t think so. Either clear the f*** off or I’m going to drag you out kicking and screaming.” He screamed. The anger crystal clear in his tone as the sound echoed around the now silent building.

“HOW DARE YOU LIE ABOUT ME! YOU LITTLE P****?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? DO YOU THINK I’M SCARED OF YOU OR SOMETHING? HUH? DO YOU? ” The woman roared, wanting to be louder than the man behind the door to establish dominance over the situation. She shouted so loud that her face had actually began to turn red from the strain, worrying Eliza a little bit.

But her worry had to be put aside as the situation went from 10 to 100 as stomping echoed behind the door before it was practically yanked of it’s hinges to reveal a rough, scruffy man standing in the doorway.

The stench of weed was the first thing that hit Eliza, the smell absorbing her senses like a see-through bubble hotbox. The second thing that hit Eliza was worry, as she saw the fear flash through the woman’s eyes at the reveal of her competitor, an obvious sign that these disputes were a normal thing and often took turn in the dangerous direction rather than being resolved healthily.

He took a couple of warning steps towards the woman, his eyes filled with fire and lack of mercy as he raised his hands high in hopes to use his height and deminer as a threat.

“Who the f*** do you think you are coming here and threatening me in my own home, huh? You think you’re something special? I can promise you’re nothing. Nothing more than somebody for me to use whenever I see fit.” He snarled, ripping herself esteem apart like lost pages.

“And now, what? That we had a couple of nights together that it gives you the right to come to my home and cause a scene? My mum’s already calling the cops on your junked out a** and soon you’ll be rotting in a jail cell where you belong” He laughed menacingly as he grabs her arm, pinning the woman against the popcorn-filtered walls helplessly.

“Do it. Call the cops and watch me bring the both of you down with me. The flat isn’t clean, you sure aren’t- I can practically taste the drugs washing off you. Let’s all go down together, huh.” She laughed, her victory brief through as she saw the man’s hand wind back.

Eliza didn’t even stop to think as she took off her lanyard and launched it at the man, causing a sigh of pain to leave his lips as his hand drops. His fearsome eyes scanned the environment like a lion hunting down its prey until it zoned in on Eliza’s curvy figure. Despite her mind being seconds away from a full blow meltdown, Eliza kept a confident and neutral composure as the man’s whole body turned in her directions.

“What the f*** are you doing? Does this look like any of your business?” He snarled, noticing the lanyard at his feet.

“Did you f****** throw something at me? Do you have a death wish or something?” He shouted, kicking the lanyard in a completely different direction as he begins to charge over to where Eliza was standing.

Despite being petrified, she held a strong face.

“Do you have a death wish causing commotion again on the top floor when you’ve already been given a warning?” An unfamiliar voice suddenly chimes in, halting the man’s steps immediately as his terrifying demeanour melted into a terrified kitten.

Quickly he spun around, completely ignoring whatever part Eliza had in the commotion to focus solely on the new character.

“Gia…it wasn’t me- I swear. She was the one coming up here and spouting her mouth off with lies, I couldn’t just let her bad mouth me like that.” The man begged, even forming his hands in a begging formation to sweeten the deal.

“Isn’t she with you? Part of your group. That makes her your problem. Take responsibility before you’re forced too.” The woman threatened, her words sinister but her tone remained calm- like this was an everyday occurrence.

“But-But then that b**** threw something that me, Am I not supposed to defend myself? She’s not even from around here.” The man argued, before moving aside and pointing Eliza out to the woman in question.

Who was gorgeous by the way.

She was dressed in business attire, fitted suit pants and a white shirt that stood her out against the rest of the people on the floor. Her red shoes matched her dark red butterfly locs perfectly, the golden hooked jewellery just taking the look to the next level. Her brown eyes met with Eliza’s with a small smile as she turned to address the incident once more.

“Are you badmouthing my friend right in front of me?” She announced, hitting the final nail in the coffin as the man began to profusely apologise. He looked back at Eliza, catching her off guard, and continued his apology train before he scurried back into his room and slamming the door shut before the woman could say anything else.

“Good riddance” The ringleader comments, looking over at the new arrival for agreement but instead following in her situation ship’s lead and taking the stairs to disappear from the scene.

The woman then took steps towards Eliza, reaching down and picking up the lanyard that had coincidently landed by her feet. Being nosy, she turned it to examine its full contents but didn’t physically seem phased at the information- which was a rare occasion for Eliza. Usually, a glance from her lanyard was always a gateway for ridiculous questions such as: “Wow- how autistic are you?” “Autism isn’t real you know” and her good old favourite “You know, you look pretty for an autistic person.”

“It took guts what you did back there, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone get involved in their tiffs.” She suddenly announced, reaching out to hand Eliza back her property.

“People just usually assume their bad as each other and let them fight it out.” She continues, looking at Eliza with a warming smile.

“They may be as bad as each other, but no one deserves to be hit.” Eliza replied, thanking her with a smile as she put her lanyard back on.

“Exactly what I think- I’m Gia, it’s nice to meet you.” She introduces, holding her hand out once again for a handshake.

“I’m Eliza, nice to meet you.” Eliza replied, waving her hand rather than shaking- overcompensating with a wide smile in hopes not to upset her.

Gia let out a sudden laugh as a response.

“You can get involved in a fight but can’t shake hands?” She smiles, teasing not judging.

“Just all them germs, can’t get behind it.” Eliza adds plays along, earning a louder laugh from Gia as she nods simply in agreement.

“I like you. You can stay.” Gia decides as she seems to calm back down.

“Thank you m’lady.” Eliza replies, with a slight teasing bow, using the time to grab the heavy bags at her feet.

“You moving in? Which room?” Gia asks, intrigued.

Eliza didn’t need to answer the question, the door of 201 slammed open to reveal a grunting man with frowned eyebrows. His hands looked tight and tense as his eyes locked with Eliza’s deer in headlights composure.

“Are you unaware that some people have things to do?” He asked in a tone that Eliza couldn’t put her finger on- but the feeling she was getting weren’t good.

“I’m sorry- there was a commotion, and I didn’t- “She didn’t get to finish her sentence before Mr. Rogers was giving her a piece of his mind.

“Did I ask for an excuse? No. Why not take accountability that you were late?” He stated, attempting to undermine Eliza’s intelligence simply because she was a couple of minutes late.

“Mr Rodgers, is that you? Gosh it’s been a while. I was unaware you still lived here.” Gia suddenly interrupts, giving Mr. Rogers his moment to look like a deer in headlights as he assesses the situation in front of him.

“…Gia, I don’t- I’m just here to sign some papers with the new tenant.” Mr Rogers says with a hint of nerves mixed in with his tone.

“Oh, is that you Eliza? It looks like you’re my brother’s new neighbour.” She smiles, looking at Eliza kindly before turning her head to face the man in the doorway.

“Looks like we’ll be seeing a lot of each other then. Make sure to be fair to her Mr. Rodgers- no dodgy deals now.” Gia states, earning a laugh from Eliza whose volume slowly decreased noticing the stone-cold expression on the man’s face.

“Let’s go Miss Winters.” Mr Rogers states with a quiet tone, suddenly turning the air professional as he walked up and helped Eliza with her bags as the pair head back to the door.

“I’ll see you soon Eliza.” Gia calls out, the pair exchanging a smile and a wave before 201’s.

previous chapter here

i hope you all enjoyed it! & thank you for the response too on my poems! it's healing my inner child's writing heart <3

#pumpkinposts #creative writing #writing wednesday #writers on tumblr #writer #writing #writeblr #writer stuff #eliza #short stories #short story #short writing

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iceddecafcaramel · 6 months

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Hi.

I’m super high right now and I just wanted to share this thought with you. I feel like I’ll keep wondering how you would’ve reacted if I didn’t. I would have never thought that I would reach out to you this soon but I feel like I don’t take enough risks in life and this could be the one that starts the trend. They do say high risk, high reward. Besides, because I’m stoned, I feel arrogant like I want to be able to prove to myself that being brave is worth it and teach me that it is good practice for me to start choosing to be open to trying new things and trust more when I’m sober. Reaching out to you really scares me and my ego really doesn’t want me to do it but what if those are the things that are holding me back from being more authentic and confident? I mostly confront people when the topic benefits those I care about, especially because I have a sense of protectiveness over my friends. I never do anything for the pure intention of making myself happy without asking for others’ approval first, because to be completely honest with you, I don’t think I’m worth it and I always second guess the choices I make for myself. But I want to change that. So I’m saying fuck it, and I’m taking this chance and hoping it’s worth it. And if not, that’s okay. I’ll learn the hard way that some risks are worth taking and some aren’t. But at least I can say that I tried, and I won’t keep wondering about what would happen if I told you these thoughts.

You’ve started to become a part of my daily routine. Every morning, I used to wake up to hoping that you had texted me. I would get so excited when you told me on the phone that you’re able to fit me in to your schedule. It’s like I couldn’t wait to see you. Or the time I called a friend and asked if my outfit was hot because I wanted you to like me, even just through appearances. I wish that I wasn’t too far off from your preferences and that I could have had a chance to try to adapt to it. I know you don’t want me to change for anyone else but what if I wanted to, because I thought that following them would make me a better person? When you were talking about how you felt like I was being judgmental, I noticed that I should also be careful not to do that when I’m in a similar situation when I’m with those I care about because I don’t want to sound judgmental to them. In all the times that I’ve applied your feedback, I think that it made me a slightly better person each time, and I wish that you would’ve let ME decide if that idea that you talked about yesterday would benefit and improve me as a person. I wouldn’t have changed myself if I didnt think it was good for me. I’m tired of making changes for people that have malicious intentions, and you’re not one of them.

I do also think that while knowing what you’re looking for and being as selective as you are is good, I’m not sure if it’s possible for everyone to find that one person who is 100% perfect for them and checks all of the right boxes. Relationships are never perfect and I believe that it requires compromise from both ends. I never expected or wanted you to be changing for me or anyone for that matter, but I see it as a way to improve myself. For example, why would I want to stay judgmental when one of the few qualities that I’m proud of myself is the way I care for others? I personally thought that the preferences you mentioned were minor things, but I understand if they are intolerable for you and that you put them at the top of your list of dealbreakers. Or, I understand if there are more red flags or preferences that you have about me that you’d prefer not to tell me.

I know this sounds like a desperate attempt to get you back but I think that you’re worth fighting for, and if for whatever reason, it makes you consider changing your mind, I’ll try it once.

#thoughts #D

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batteredwarriorstillstanding · 1 year

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Of all the sincere and valid issues I have with this....not simply that it did not go my way, but flaws that any objective person would identify as such. I was extremely impressed with you for the few years of fairly frequent exposure. It would, I believe, be difficult for anyone who knew you fail to hold you in high regard. You overcame much, fought through what had to have been an incredible amount of pain discomfort. The stakes for you to remain sober were, quite literally, life or death, if I recall. Still, you never allowed the gravity of your situation or the physical as well as, I am sure, mental, discomfort to snuff out your sense of humor, cause you to retreat into the aloof self-obsessed blandness that tends to befall many in similar situations....and, you did not allow others' relatively paltry afflictions cause you to categorize then differently. You made a point of getting to know nearly everyone, seemingly. You seemed, without question, MORE alive than, perhaps, anyone with whom i came into contact. It was as though a battle had taken place, and life threatening health issues, backed up by serious alcoholism--a deadly enough foe by itself, were not simply defeated by an innate spirit that, as far as I was concerned, DEFINED you...set you apart from mere mortals, the enemies of your spirit, frightening and deadly, no doubt....more than enough to squelch the spirit of many a man, and his physical life soon thereafter, were utterly annihilated by your very being. This is what I meant when I claimed that you were "too good" for me. I get the feeling that YOU, when actually posting 'tested positive for not being good enough," as a dig toward me, perhaps, may be thinking along the lines of societal hierarchy....no. As I have mentioned, I feel h.justified in having developed feelings for you because I have, at various times, been in a decent position to see what you were all about. I easily got to know you....you don't know me at all. And, you didn't improve your knowledge of much during these past few months. I was hoping you had read an occasional post I made while reasonably sober, spoke to someone without reason to mislead you who actually knew me, etc...it seems not much of this occured...and, that's fine. The fact is, the decision was and is entirely your's. I feel I made reasonable offers to you in an effort to allow you to become familiar as I was certain that, at least, we would be friends, as I felt we shared some commonalities, as we as Co pmemented one another's weaknesses. I was, honestly, surprised at this outcome. Then again...you never even spoke to me...so, perhaps, I shouldn't have been. I second guessed myself for explaining certain past situations because I was certain someone in your ear was giving you misinformation of a negative sort. I don't regret it anymore....I was defending myself against lies and told you 100 percent truth....even while psychotic, my competence was intact as my composite was still fine, and when my health improved, I did much better. If you didn't believe me, or allowed other voices to drown mine out, frankly, that is your mistake. I know I have no choice but to simply accept this wholesale and I want to do nothing else....a couple of things, though...First of all, before you, essentially announce yourself to be "too good" for someone, it would likely be wise to familiarize yourself with this person--at least the criteria typically used to make such an (often unfair) judgement. That, I admit, bothered me...you wouldn't even speak to me...Why? Also, it is evident that you actually told numerous people that i was guilty of stalking you, as well as, I am certain....other fabrications.i suspect one of the reasons you so adamantly avoided conversation was because I indicated that I would inquire about a nu.ber of disturbing happenings from years past....one involving your mom, another your ex boyfriend....and, you did not want to go there. First of all, if that be the case

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collegiatedegenrate · 1 year

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My Backstory

I go by R on here, and I'm creating this Tumblr to document and help motivate me with Tumblr's beautiful aesthetics, to complete my wildest academic dreams as someone who is pursuing higher education.

My story is quite similar to other addicts and those who have struggled with substance abuse. I can tell you that I had a rough abusive childhood or how I was so convinced I deserved the things I went through that I allowed it to continue and haunt me into my adult years. But this story isn't about that, it may have been the starting point but it is not my ending, and I will not allow my life to center around it anymore.

I started using drugs and drinking when I was young. It started with alcohol. By the time I was 18 I had a full blown drinking problem and substance abuse issue. I would go to school blackout drunk. I would take double doses of vyvance to get me through class, and take Xanax at night to sleep. I went to school full time, I worked full time. And I made perfect grades, until I didn't.

See, the issues showed before that. And yes, I was so obviously trying to run from my pain. At that point in my life, all I wanted was to numb myself to my emotions, and I had no care as to how that happened. Around sophomore year is when things started to spiral. I cared less and less about how I looked, and I stopped trying in class. I loved learning when I was young. I loved to read. Through years of abuse, how could I possibly care about either of those? I lost my passion for knowledge, because all I cared about was not feeling a damn thing.

I finished high school with a gpa of 3.4, which amazes me to this day. My prospects were not looking good, especially for someone who didn't care about their life. I felt an overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders as probably any 18 year old does. Hell, we got told "choose your career path you want to pursue for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE:)." I tried. I think I've known my passion has always science. I understood it like the back of my hand. It came naturally, with ease, and with so much joy. The college I chose, was the one in my town that pretty much everyone goes to. So instead of choosing the college of my dreams (if you would've asked freshman year me; Vanderbilt) I chose the one everyone else chose.

I didn't last half the semester before I dropped out. My anxiety and depression were eating me alive to the point I couldn't eat or hold down food, and I couldn't sleep. On top of it all, my drug and alcohol use was at the highest levels. So I dropped out. Actually, I just stopped going.

Now I'm a few months away from being 25, and in the near 7 years I've been out of highchool, I could probably write a book of the shit I've experienced. And that's exactly it. I didnt hit my turning point until after I got sober. I got sober after rehab. But the moment I got sober was not the moment my life changed, but goddamn was it a catalyst for it. Rock bottoms arent always drug related, although many of mine were, but also due to lack of passion. I was living a life that would soon run me into the ground, even without drugs or alcohol. Im not sure I'm ready to delve into the nuances of what I did in-between now and then. All I knew was that I had to do something different. Things had to change, I must surrender to the universe.

So I moved back home with my family. I have been substance abuse free for 2 years now, and I start community college this fall. No, its not the college of my dreams, but its a starting point and god am I grateful just for the opportunity. I will see it through this time around. I know what I don't want to do for the rest of my life, and while I'm not 100% sure the exact route I want to take, I know that I'm ready to venture out and try what I think I want to do.

Thank you to anyone who read any part of that. This is mainly an online journal for myself. I am here for support to any other young adult who's pursuing higher education and/or has a past or is currently struggling with substance abuse/addiciton. Life is worth living, and we might as well try for our dreams while we're here.

Much Love, R

#mental health #journaling #recovery #addiction #substance abuse #ptsd #childhood trauma

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unitedstatesallnews · 1 year

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Cheryl Burke Opens Up About Matthew Lawrence Divorce, Childhood Sexual Abuse, & Sobriety -Latest news

Cheryl Burke is getting candid about all the trauma she’s faced over the years. The Dancing with the Stars pro appeared on the latest episode of Red Table Talk on Wednesday, where she opened up about how years of sexual abuse, physical abuse, and toxic relationships she experienced eventually led to her addiction to alcohol. Joining Jada Pinkett Smith and Adrienne Banfield-Norris, as well as trauma psychologist Dr. Alfiee Breland-Noble, Cheryl first shared that she has been sober for four years now — but has had a tough time with it since her divorce from Matthew Lawrence earlier this year: “It’s not easy right now, especially during this divorce. waving at me. I didn’t want this. My parents got divorced and I would’ve loved to not have. That wasn’t the plan going in. I’m not proud of it, for sure. But then there’s also a point where I need to put myself first and my sobriety first.” She continued: “And I’m choosing to not date. Date myself, right? Easier said than done because, you know, there’s a difference of being alone versus lonely. And I am just trying to adjust and take the time because I owe it to myself. But one day at a time, one minute at a time.” The 38-year-old television personality went on to talk about the trauma and pattern of abuse she dealt with over the years, recalling how it all started when her parents got divorced when she was only 2. She said: “My first memory as a kid was seeing my father with another woman.” That’s rough — but unfortunately it gets worse. Her mom began dating a man who later became her stepfather. When they got married, her stepdad needed someone to watch her at times and hired a “retired mailman in his late 60s” to babysit her. Cheryl says he started to molest her when she was only 5 years old: “It was more of a grooming experience. Because it wasn’t intercourse. It was other — you know, stuff that happened, sexual acts — but I never physically felt hurt. Like, there was moments — and I’m gonna say it now, it didn’t feel bad. It was actually intimate. He was grooming me, and he was my definition of love. This is what love equaled, right? Seeing my father’s infidelity, being abused by this old retired mailman, and I didn’t really know what a ‘healthy’ relationship is or was. There wasn’t a stable father figure in my life. It’s like brainwashing at those moments in your childhood when it really matters.” That’s what makes grooming so insidious. Heartbreaking… The television host said the abuse continued for “many years and no one said anything” before her older sister’s friend “did the right thing, ran home to her parents, and told them, and then they contacted my family.” Cheryl ended up testifying against the man when she was nine — and he was sentenced to 24 years in prison. Eventually, Cheryl became involved with ballroom dancing — something she said “saved my life”: “Ballroom was something that was fun, but you had to grow up fast. Here I am wearing tiny little skimpy dance costumes, eyelashes, fake tan and I’m 11. It was amazing. I mean, thank god for dancing, it saved my life.” While Cheryl is thankful for dancing, she didn’t realize until later in life that it wasn’t always a safe environment: “But within this industry of the competitive ballroom world, it is so much a man’s world. The man leads the woman follows — off the dance floor and on the dance floor. And with that comes abusive partners and abusive coaches. Were there acts of sexual abuse and mental abuse? 100%. And am I just coming to realize that? Yeah, for sure, as I continue to do the work.” Then Burke looked back on her high school experience and alleged she had two boyfriends “that were physically and emotionally abusive to a whole other level.” She explained: “For me, love equaled abuse. Love equaled infidelity. Love equaled manipulating, narcissistic behaviors.” That’s when she recounted the incident when she was horrifically whipped with a belt in front of her ex-boyfriend’s parents, who sat there and did nothing. Despite the terrible moment, Cheryl remembered being in denial about what happened at the time: “It wasn’t like he was hitting me. He was whipping me. But I would see these welts and even that, I was like, ‘Oh, that’s not really there.’ I think I was in shock, and fight, flight or freeze. Got in my car, he jumped in his car, kept banging up the back of my car so that I’d pull over, and I wasn’t allowed to have friends, let alone dance. I wasn’t allowed to stay at after school programs or even, God forbid, look at somebody.” She added: “Because of this person who was very controlling. It didn’t stop my relationship with him because I loved the, ‘Oh, everything’s gonna be OK.’ I was addicted to that. This is what I’m trying to reprogram in my brain, is that constant adrenaline rush that I’m so addicted to. It’s not sustainable.” This is what eventually led her to drink in order to “numb” everything going on in her life: “I was just in survival mode. I used alcohol to numb. And I’m an addict and I was a functioning addict. It was when I wasn’t drinking people were like, ‘What’s wrong with you?’” Cheryl then said she figured out she was “only attracted to chauvinistic men” and “mommy daddy figures” – to the point where she was “disgusted” by her first dance partner because he was too “sweet.” Later on, she touched on her divorce from Matthew and revealed that she only got married to him in 2019 to see if she was “good enough”: “I mean, we dated when I first got into this business in 2006, and then took a break for a decade, dated again. An ex for a reason, right, but also, I think, for me — and it has nothing to do with my ex whatsoever — I wanted to see if I could get married, ’cause there was a lot of this internal ‘Am I good enough?’ Then there’s also a point where I need to put myself first … I owe it to myself. The trauma bond, though, is real.” We have a ton of appreciation for Cheryl being so open and honest with her story. You can watch the entire Red Table Talk episode (below): Source link Read the full article

#news #usa #usa2022 #usanews #usanewstoday #usanewstodayheadlines #usalatestnews

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cheguevaraismydaddy666 · 2 years

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the social workers seemed nice enough, one of my roommates turned out to be a really close and reliable friend... everything was fine. they told me, i could stay as long as i needed in turn to fully get ready for life. i think they even told me that i could stay until i was 27, if i had to. a nice, big, anonymous city for me to start my new life and be who i want to be. i was in a fairly unhappy relationship at the time. the guy was manipulative, especially heavy on the guilt tripping and seemed to try to get me addicted to him because he was the one supplying me with weed and speed. it was during that time, that i felt for the first time, what it felt like to be addicted to a chemical drug. i was even shooting up at some point, had hallucinations from the lack of sleep, etc. i told my mom about the hallucinations, it was scary to me. she told the staff at my foster home. they went to some kind of emergency room for mental health stuff. they wanted to make sure i wasn 't truly psychotic and it was just the drugs. then i had a talk with them. they asked me to consider rehab. i liked it there so much, i agreed. i liked being able to drive around at night if i felt like it, i liked going outside to smoke ciggies or joints and sit on the steps and look at the cars driving by. i liked falling asleep with horror movies playing in the back ground. i liked driving to my hometown, snort speed, smoke weed, and drive home, doing lines in the train bathroom. i liked how much money i was getting. i liked that my roommate was nice and went with me to mcdonalds. i liked how easy it was do get drugs in a big city.... well, whatever. during that time i picked up contact with the other guy grom the asylum. i did a lot of molly during the time. it was winter, snowing, and i'd sit outside, chain smoking and being so high i felt like if i got any higher i'd take off. we'd talk, video chat. it was nice enough at first. until at some point, while i was rolling HARD he made me send him nudes. from then on, some kind of sexual relationship developed. well, back to my situation. i had an appointment with one of the doctors at the rehab clinic. he said, that i could very well be taken in within the next few weeks. he said, that apparently many people quit the treatment during the holidays. well, i went home and fucking PANICKED. i thought i would've had MONTHS to continue doing drugs until i had to go there and be sober for three months. i panicked so hard, i thought i should get my moneys worth one last time. i spent my entire pocket money on drugs,over 100 bucks, and consumed the stash within three days. i put myself in the hospital. i couldn't breathe, thought i was gonna die that day. i didn't. but i did get kicked out. they said, my substance abuse was too dangerous for them to handle. so i left, back to the shelter. i needed to wait a lot longer than just a few days. thanks, doc. :)

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