#going insane killing myself eating glass etc.....

[theseventhveil1945]

Stranger Things | "Madmax"

#stedit #strangerthingsedit #stancyedit #tvedit #otpsource #smallscreensource #tvfilmsource #wheelerharrington #tvfilmdaily #stranger things #nancy x steve #stancy #going insane killing myself eating glass etc.....

[bonecouch]

me at lunchtime: im going insane evrrything is terrible immgonna kill myself *eats a peanut butter and jelly (GRAPE ONLY FUCK ALL OTHER JELLIES JAMS PRESERVES ETC) sandwich with a glass of milk*  :)

[melancholydreadfuldream]

Going Under Part Four

Fandom: Doctor Who

 Pairing: 13th Doctor x Reader

 Summary: An accident during a routine adventure made your life spiraled out of control with only the Doctor as the anchor. Will you ever find your way back to your Doctor again?

 Trigger Warning: ooc, angst, plot holes as usual, attempted suicide, dark!doctor, death, insanity, etc. You have been warned.

 More warning: English is not my first language so beware of the headache you will receive upon reading this.

     I fell on my knees as I clutched the sand beneath my fingers. I could feel wind blowing around me. I look around and I saw that I'm currently stranded on some beach?

  "(name)?" 

  I heard someone called my name from behind me.

  "(name)!!"

  I turned around and squinted my eyes against the annoying wind. It was Tenth Doctor in a blue suit and he is not alone. He is with Rose. 

  "Doctor?" I trailed in confusion.

  The Doctor ran toward me with a grin and hugged me tight while I just stood there and hesitantly hugged him back. 

  I just left a version of him alone. My heart ached suddenly at the reminder. That Doctor is sad, so very sad and I couldn't do a thing to ease his sorrow.

  The Doctor released me, still grinning happily.

  Rose didn't say anything but she smiled at me.

  I nodded at her. "Thanks for the stun gun?" I blurted out.

  She chuckled at that. "Don't mention it."

  The fact she know what I'm talking about meant she is the same Rose I met back at the crucible. Which meant this version of Tenth Doctor is from that time too.

  "What stun gun?" The Doctor asked. "Why do you even have a stun gun?" He sounded annoyed.

  "For protection." Both Rose and I simultaneously answered and we smiled genuinely at each other.

 "Stun gun is useless against the Daleks." The Doctor pointed.

  "I know. But it worked against the Master." I said.

  The Doctor's eyes widened. "The Master? You met the Master?!" He yelled.

  Rose is confused. "Who is the Master?"

  The Doctor explained who the Master is to her.

  My head felt dizzy suddenly I almost lost my balance but the Doctor caught me.

  "Are you okay?" He asked in concern.

  "Just a bit dizzy. Where are we now?" I asked. "Can we get something to eat first?" I rubbed my stomach as I smiled sheepishly at them. "I'm a bit hungry."

  It was Rose who told me where I am. Bad Wolf Bay.

  "Where is your Tardis, Doctor?" I asked.

  The Doctor rubbed his head with an almost guilt look. "Well, that is...a bit complicated."

  I stared at the Doctor in confusion as he explained that he is not exactly the Doctor. He said he is the metacrisis Doctor whatever that's meant. 

  My eyes widened when Rose helpfully tell me that the metacrisis grew from the hand in a jar I saw before.

  "Like a worm?" I asked with almost disgusted look.

  The Metacrisis looked insulted while Rose laughed out loud.

  I shivered in cold from the wind. Thankfully they noticed and finally suggested we left the beach.

  I stared at the metacrisis who is holding hand with Rose in contemplation.

  Usually I always ended up wherever the Doctor is. I suppose this metacrisis version counted as the Doctor.

  Rose called her mobile and shortly after a black car appeared. She gestured for me to get in.

  It felt kind of awkward as we shared a car. I didn't know what to say to them. But the two lovebirds are too busy staring at each other in silent.

  A sudden sharp pain in my head made me gasp out loud and I found myself spiralling like little Alice who fell into unknown hole. It feel like splintering but also...not?

   7777

  Cold. It was so cold.

  I opened my eyes and suddenly fell into a panic state as I found myself submerged under water. I opened my mouth, causing icy water to fill my throat and lung. 

  I struggled to surface and coughed harshly when I did. I wiped the water in my face and I saw Thirteenth Doctor rushing toward me, saying some comforting words but for some reason she sounded so far away. There must be waters inside my ears too.

  The Doctor is still rambling as she clutched my cheek, sometimes my hair but I still couldn't get what she is saying.

  "D-Doctor?" I whispered with chattering teeth. "Where am I?" I made a move to get out of...glass tube? "W-what is this?"

  The Doctor prevented me from moving out of the glass tube. She said something to me but I can't understand.

  "Doctor, I can't hear you!" I said in frustation.

  The Doctor stopped talking and she stared at me in sorrow.

  Suddenly she pushes me back by the head back into the icy water.

  I was shocked at first before I struggled against her strong grip but it was useless.

  From beneath the water, I saw her yelling something at someone I couldn't see. Someone is beside the Doctor and that person is about to inject me with something.

  I panicked even more as I screamed under water and everything turned black once more.

   7777

  I screamed myself awake.

  "(name), it is okay! Open your eyes! You are safe!" I heard a voice said urgently.

  I opened my eyes slowly to see Tenth Doctor, no, Metacrisis Doctor and Rose. They stared at me in concern.

  I took in my surrounding while still trying to calm my breath. I am in some medical room and I am not wet despite being under water just before. I coughed a few times as if getting the air knocked out of me.

  Was that a dream? I thought to myself as I touches my neck, remembering how the Thirteenth Doctor pushed me back into the icy water. Was she trying to kill me? Why?

   "W-what happened to her? What was that?" Rose asked the Metacrisis Doctor.

  I blinked, trying to focus on those two talking. 

  The Metacrisis Doctor is staring at me with a look of concern and fear. Fear for me? 

  "What?" I asked him.

  They told me that I suddenly fainted in the car and that I was in a...state. 

  "It was like you got stuck between one place and the next..." The Metacrisis Doctor said with a frown. "...like a blip..."

  I grimaced. Well, that one is new. So did I splinter? Unsuccessfully? "But I was here, right?"

  "Like I said, to us, it looked like you were stuck...like a blip but yeah, you are mostly here." He said again, frowning as he ponder about it. "Did you go somewhere?"

  "I think so. But it feel more like a vision of nightmare rather than being stranded somewhere foreign again..." Oh this is confusing and kind of scary. I groaned. Great, another unwanted complication.

  "Where did you go when you were in that state?" He asked. "Was that the first time it happened or...?"

  "I think that was the first time that happened to me...?" I was unsure, remembering that vision of waking up to a frantic Thirteenth Doctor but that time...it didn't feel like splintering. It almost feel unreal so I didn't mention it or even write it in my notebook.

  "Were you in pain?" Rose asked in concern. "You look like you did."

  "I'm fine...I think?"

  "You don't sound sure..." The Metacrisis pointed. 

  I didn't speak for a few seconds. "I think the Doctor...I think she just tried to drown me?"

  "What?" The Metacrisis yelled loudly making me wince.

  "Wait, what? She?!" Rose also exclaimed loudly.

  The Metacrisis got distracted by Rose as he sheepishly told her about the future of the Doctor being a Time Lady.

  Despite knowing about regeneration, Rose look pretty astonished by the revelation.

  The Metacrisis turned his attention back at me and demanded I tell him every detail of my encounter with the alternate Thirteenth Doctor. 

  But is she really an alternate version? She seemed to know me. I know there are alternate version of me who is also travelling with the Doctor. I met one before. Could that version of the Doctor mistaken me with her version of myself?

  I sighed again. That doesn't make sense either. Why would she tried to drown any version of me? 

  The Metacrisis snapped his fingers to get my attention as he urgently asked me for the detail of my experience earlier. "Focus!"

  So I told him about waking up in some deep glass tube, of seeing the Thirteenth Doctor and of her trying to drown me and inject me with something.

  The Metacrisis frowned as he asked more detail on the glass tube I was in. Sadly, I didn't pay much attention to the glass tube so there is not much detail I can tell him

  He thought that the Doctor I met is probably experimenting on me for some reason, presumably to save my life. He was a bit disappointed that I can't give more information.

  I decided not to contradict him with the fact that I once met a somewhat insane Thirteenth Doctor. But that version wanted to keep me for herself while the version earlier...

  You know what? I need to give her benefit of the doubt and just consider that what Metacrisis said might be true. Maybe she is just trying to save me? I sighed. Here I am in denial.

  "Next time, doc, keep in mind to tell someone when you are trying to save them by drowning, say, to save misunderstanding." I said in annoyance.

  He grinned sheepishly. "Noted." His cheerful demeanor vanished as he told me to write down everything that happened to me in my notebook.

  I nodded obediently. 

  I noticed Rose is still staring at the Metacrisis. I think she can't get over the fact that one day the Doctor will switch gender. I understood the feeling but I have accepted it somewhat. 

  They gave me some food and a set of new clothes. I drank my medicine and get a rest some more. They gave me some privacy.

  My mind keep replaying being under water with the Doctor hovering over me as she pushes me under. I closed my eyes, wishing for that memory to leave me alone.

  I stared at my notebook that I just finished writing in with a sigh. I put the notebook on my bag. I could feel the sign that I was about to be pulled away again.

  The Metacrisis and Rose are nowhere to be seen so I couldn't say goodbye to them.

  7777

  I blinked as I found myself in an unfamiliar room but I know I am inside the Tardis. I turned around and yelped when I saw two bodies embracing each other on the bed.

  "Oh my God!! Cover everything!!" I yelled as I covered my eyes with my hand. I turned my back from the surprised and frantic couple.

  It was definitely Eleventh Doctor and River Song...in bed, having sex. I wish I could bleach my mind.

  The Doctor grabbed a pillow to cover his junk while River remained chill despite the unwanted interuption. They both redressed themselves.

  "(name), have you ever heard of knocking?" The Doctor glared at me.

  I glared back at him. "Like I have any control which place I ended up to!!"

  River perked up. "(name)? Your alternate future companion? The one who is crossing all over your timeline in every alternate universe? That (name)?" 

  Wow, River's description of me making what happened to me sounded awesome. I mean I supposed it is exciting if not for the fact that I'm dying. 

  The Doctor nodded at his wife as River immediately grinned at me, offering a handshake.

  "How exciting... Nice to meet you. I'm River but I reckon you know that, don't you?" She said with a friendly smile. "I've been wanting to meet you for a while now."

  I felt awkward under her attention as I forced a polite smile. I turned to the Doctor and asked about the last time he saw me.

  "It was at the crucible. Remember? Tardis got taken by the Daleks?" The Doctor reminded me.

  I nodded. "Yeah, I was actually just at Bad Wolf Bay with your Metacrisis and Rose."

  The Doctor look surprised and turned solemn at the mention of those two. "How are they? Do they seem...happy?"

  "I think so...?" I trailed in confusion.

  He beamed a little. "That's good."

  River put a hand on his shoulder in comforting gesture.

  They took me out of their bedroom and back into console room as I told them about what happened to me earlier. About Thirteenth Doctor tried to drown me and how the Metacrisis disagreed.

  I took my medicine as they asked me to tell them everything that happened to me. They wanted to take some of my blood to conduct their own test. I gave them what they wanted.

  Afterward they gave me a room for me to get some rest.

  River came to have a chat. It was awkward at first but soon we started talking animatedly about the Doctor. She also asked to read my notebook. I was hesitant at first but...she is the Doctor's wife so...essentially I can trust her, can't I? So I let her read some pages. 

  She told me she kept a diary too detailing her encounters with the Doctor. She has a wistful smile as she got to the page with the gallifreyian writings. She can read it but she won't translate it for me.

  "Don't worry. They all spoke fondly of you." River said, fingers tracing on the gallifreyian writings.

  I sighed at that.

  "I must admit I am curious about the female version of the Doctor." River said. " Did she ever mention me?"

  I shook my head slowly. I felt bad for River because she looked sad at my answer.

  "Honestly, she was very secretive about her past. The fam and I, we didn't know much about her. I only know some stuff about her because of the splintering." I said.

  When she noticed my stun gun, River decided to teach me how to use a gun. She started simple with a small gun. 

  That's how the Doctor found us in a room for target shooting, apparently a room that the Tardis created just because River asked the ship out loud. 

  The Doctor look absolutely disappointed at us and our gun. He pouted much like a child under River's teasing.

  I observed them with a fond smile. The smile slide off my face as I felt it was time to go. I voiced my gratitude for their company.

  They turned to me with unreadable expression before smiling encouragingly at me.

  "Next time you come here, I promise I will get you a simple weapon for your protection." River sweetly said despite her husband's protest.

  I laughed at them as I slowly faded away right before their eyes.

   7777

  I blinked in confusion as I found myself in some random wood. I walked around, hoping to find the Doctor soon. Wonder who will I get this time?

  I didn't watch where I was walking and I ended up triggering some trap.

  I screamed as I found myself hanging upside down by feet.

  Someone must have heard my scream as I could hear many someones coming my way. I could only pray they are friendly, not the kind who want to eat me. Oh gosh, please don't let me meet a cannibal.

  I got a headache already thanks to the unwanted position I am in. Thankfully, the universe is kind to me today as a bunch of people came toward me. I recognized Twelfth Doctor and Clara. Clara's red period dress caught my eyes immediately. 

  I blinked at them.

  "Oh, it's you." The Doctor said flatly.

  I would feel insulted by his tone if not for the fact I am hanging upside down. I pitifully pleaded, "Help me get down please..."

  One of the men, his name is Robin Hood, Clara supplied, thankfully catches me after he ordered his merry men to free me.

  I was too busy trying to balance myself again to appreciate the fact I'm actually meeting a Robin Hood. 

  I sat on a fallen branch as the Doctor stared me down. Clara sat beside me and engaged me with friendly conversation. But I was a bit dizzy to keep up. Thanks to her being chatty, I found out that this version of Doctor and Clara are the one I met when they were imprisoned alongside the Doctor's other past faces and companion.

  I finally looked up toward the Doctor. He was staring at me in calculation. I sighed. "Don't worry, I won't demand a cure from you. Judging from how you look at me, you didn't expect me to come back again, did you?"

  The Doctor look almost ashamed but didn't say anything.

  Clara watched over the both of us in curiosity.

  "Honestly, I'm beginning to think a cure for my current state is impossible." I said softly.

  "Don't be absurd. I just haven't figure it out yet. It does not meant I give up or that there is no cure." The Doctor said. "Do you still have your medicine?"

  I pulled out my pill bottles. There are only a few pill left. 

  "Thought so. I have a backup for you somewhere back in the Tardis." He said.

  "You actually make the medicine for me just in case?" I asked, feeling a bit surprised. He sounded like he was annoyed when he first saw me.

  "I did promise you a cure, didn't I? Though I have to disappoint you as the cure is just a temporary measure." He said.

  I smiled at him gratefully. "Thank you, Doctor."

  We are interrupted by Robin and his men, something about an archery tournament launched by Sheriff of Nottingham.

  I noticed Clara is flirting with Robin with ease while the Doctor is grumpy and overall rude toward Robin. 

  Clara and I exchanged amused glance as we both watched the Doctor challenge Robin with archery, trying to one up one another. They are definitely trying to impress Clara, I think.

  Everyone cheered every-time those two releases their arrows.

  Predictably thing turned into trouble when we found out the soldiers employed by the evil sheriff are robots.

  I exhaled loudly in annoyance as I ended up in a dark prison with Doctor, Clara and Robin. The Doctor really is a magnet for trouble, isn't he?

  Clara and I exchanged annoyed look as the Doctor and Robin won't stop yapping at each other.

  Eventually Clara was taken away as they thought she is our leader after she lost her patience and snapped at both Doctor and Robin. I am impressed with her. 

  Though I felt kinda insulted that they only take Clara. Was it because I don't look like a noble lady like her? But then again I'm not the sort who take charge. I wouldn't know what to do if I am in her position.

  I was shook out from my musing when the Doctor and Robin yelled loudly again at each other. It was amusing at first but this gets really annoying fast. For once I wish to splinter as soon as possible just so I could get away from their stupidly grating voices.

  I glared at them but they don't notice me. I sighed as I stared at the cuff around my wrists. I hope I won't end up splintering taking the cuff with me. That would be awkward.

  After a few minutes of them yelling and mocking each other, I yelled at them to calm the fuck down.

  I glared at the Doctor. "Stop being jealous of him and start using that brilliant mind of yours to get us out of this mess." I said.

  The Doctor glared back at me with a scoff. "Jealous? Of him? Hah!"

  Robin, in turn, scoffed at the Doctor, exchanging annoying 'hah!' at each other repeatedly.

  I rolled my eyes. I felt a headache already. I glanced at my bag. When I was taken, they took a look inside but deemed it worthless and tossed it on the ground nearby. I really hope the Doctor stopped being childish already and work on our freedom. It would really be troubling if I splinter without my notebook and medicine. Also I wonder if Clara will be okay.

  I watched in annoyance as the Doctor and Robin acted stupidly which ended up with the key to our freedom far from our reach. I groaned. This is going to take a while.

  Eventually they did finally able to release themselves and worked to release me. Unfortunately, they still can't get along even for one common goal, rescuing Clara.

  I picked up my bag as I held back from rolling my eyes as those two started to bicker, practically ignoring me. It was at that moment that I felt the tingling.

  I hitched a breath and turned toward the Doctor. But he was too busy yelling at Robin to notice. When he did finally noticed, I was already fading away. Last thing I heard is Robin demanding what is happening to me.

  7777

  I felt dizzy as I arrived on...wherever I am this time. I found myself standing in some sort of a deserted land? But I didn't see anyone. I took a walk tentatively. Then I saw figures coming my way. I squinted my eyes to see and my eyes widened when I saw the Doctor and Ryan. There is an old man with them.

  The Doctor and Ryan called my name in disbelief and confusion. They recognized me. I wondered if I am home but knowing my luck, that probably not the case. But they recognized me so I have to assume they were the set that I met much earlier, an universe where I never travelled with them. I sighed at that. It is such a sore subject for me. I can't imagine not knowing the Doctor and the fam.

  The Doctor scanned me with her sonic screwdriver and once she is done, she smiled. "It's good to see you again, (name). Wish it is on a better situation."

  I smiled at her and Ryan. I have to swallow my bitterness upon confirming they are not my original friends. "What is going on?"

  The Doctor glanced at me sadly. "Cybermen."

  The smile slide off my face immediately. "The lone cyberman?"

  "Now, it is an army." Ryan replied.

  "Where are Yaz and Graham?" I asked in worry.

  "We got separated from them." Ryan said.

  I turned toward the Doctor who remained silent. We exchanged a look. I was reminded the last time I saw her, how I warned her about a version of herself who went insane after losing her companion.

  "I won't let that happen." The Doctor suddenly said.

  I prayed that she can keep her promise. They might not be my original set but they are still a version of the same sort of people that I care about. I don't think I could deal if I saw one of them die here right before my eyes. Last time was hard enough, watching a version of the Doctor died with me being completely helpless, to the point I lost my marble. 

  I swallowed down a fearful sob as I took a very deep breathe to calm myself. A part of me wanted to stay and help but another part of me just wanted to fade away from here. I am such a coward.

  The Doctor fussing about some communication equipment nearby when suddenly a static noise and we heard Yaz's voice.

  Ryan and I quickly come closer to the Doctor so we could better hear what Yaz said until I realized she was saying goodbye. They were trapped in a cybermen spaceship with the army on the way of either killing or converting them. A flashback of the sweet Bill Pott turned into a cyberman flashed my mind.

  I observed the Doctor's face. She flinched at what Yaz said. The despair in her eyes as she realized she is helpless, unable to save Yaz and Graham. I feared that she would snap into that version of the dark doctor I saw before.

  I tried to focus on what Yaz is saying and froze when I heard her confess to the Doctor. Yaz is in love with the Doctor!! My mouth dropped open in shock. 

  In hindsight, I shouldn't be surprise at all. The Doctor is such a person, so wonderful, I don't know how to describe it. I never thought I like woman until I met her. But maybe it is because she is the Doctor that I fell for her. I wonder if I meet earlier incarnation of her instead of her, would I also end up catching feeling for them?  I admitted I kind of have soft spot for all the alternate previous incarnation of the Doctors I met so far.

  I watched the Doctor as she clutched the device close to her lips, hearing her muttering Yaz's name solemnly. The Doctor closed her eyes as if in pain. My heart goes for Yaz and the Doctor. Though now that I knew, I can't help but wonder if my Yaz also has feeling for the Doctor. She never said anything to me. I wonder if the Doctor...

  Gosh, noo! Oh, no! I hit myself on my head immediately, feeling stupid for having a love crisis when Yaz and Graham are in danger! Priority, Me, priority!! 

  I bit my lips hard as I focused on the Doctor.  I felt the tingling right at that moment. 

  No! I can't leave right now! I have to help them somehow anyhow or...I have to know what will happen next in order to prevent my original friends from suffering the same fate. I sounded so selfish I realized but what am I supposed to do?  I want to go home to them, to that version who know and love me as much as I love them.

  I didn't call out to the Doctor. I didn't want to ruin Yaz's possibly last moment with the Doctor. As I fade away, I can only pray that they will survive whatever ordeal coming their way. 

  7777

  I landed on my knees on the floor and I coughed up blood. I quickly popped up on my medicine, wiping the blood using some napkin I saw before taking a look at my surrounding. I was in a room, a bedroom and on the bed, the Tenth Doctor in pajamas sleeping. My mouth dropped open in confusion. I noticed he look pale. I stepped toward him when the door opened and Rose entered the room. Upon seeing me, she started yelling at me.

  "Who the hell are you? How did you get here?" Rose demanded. "Stay away from him!"

  Wow, she is so intense.

  An older woman entered the room bearing a fruit knife and upon seeing me, waved her knife threateningly at me after hearing Rose yelling at me. A young man also entered the room bearing a frying pan.

  What a welcome.

  I raised my hands up in placating gesture and then I blurted something stupid, "I come in peace!"

  Rose and the others stared at me stupidly before they started talking at the same time. I think the man accused me of being an alien.

  "Would you please be quiet so I can explain?" I finally snapped.

  They did.

  I figured I shouldn't say anything complicated so I told them I am from the future and a friend of the Doctor. I also said I knew Rose in the future, well, a version of her, but like I said, just keep it simple.

  Rose didn't believe me at first. She told me to move out of the room as not to bother the Doctor. She let it slip that the Doctor has just changed his face. 

  I braced myself as Rose then started to interrogate me about some stuff regarding the Doctor and the Tardis. I think I passed the quiz as she finally relents. 

  I thank my lucky star that she didn't press my knowledge of Rose herself. I only met her a few times and I didn't know much about her aside that she is a bad-ass with weapon and is in love with the Doctor. 

  Is it a common occurrence, I wonder, for the companion to catch feeling for the Doctor? Rose, River, Clara, Yaz and myself, so far that I observed. But obviously River is the one most special since the Doctor married her. From what I have seen of River, she is amazing woman. 

  Rose introduced me to Jackie, her mother and Mickey, her best friend.

  Both Jackie and Mickey tried to ask me about future events. It was then Rose suddenly noticed the Christmas tree in the room and asked her mother about it.

  I stared blankly at the tree when it started to whirl around mechanically. My mouth dropped open when the tree started flying toward us just as Rose screamed for everyone to run or take covers as the tree hurling sharp ornaments at us. Mickey grabbed my hand and pulled me along. 

  I can't believe a Christmas tree just attacked us. Seriously life with the Doctor in it is so weird but fascinating, never a dull moment.

  We ended up inside the room where the Doctor is sleeping. Trapped and helpless, I saw Rose climbed up the bed and whispered in the Doctor's ear. Suddenly the Doctor woke up and immediately use his sonic screwdriver toward the tree. He ran outside the room toward the balcony and the others followed.

  I saw creepy figures in Santa Claus clothing stared at us from below. I didn't hear what the Doctor said but I was worried when he suddenly grabbed his chest as if having a heart attack with Jackie hovering and asked him what he need, even going as listing everything she thought he might need much to my amusement.

  I accidentally laughed when the annoyed Doctor shouted at Jackie that he need her to shut up. Everyone stared at me much to my embarrassment. I muttered a small sorry at Jackie.

  "Who are you?" The Doctor asked. "you are new."

  Rose glared at me. "She said she is a friend of yours. Did you lie?"

  "Really?" The Doctor turned to look at me. "Are we?"

  "I did not lie. He just don't know me yet." I said.

  "A-ah." The Doctor suddenly nodded as if he understand. "Sometimes I did met someone in a wrong order. Hello, there, I'm the Doctor. Who might you be?"

  I shrugged. "I am called (name)."

  The Doctor grinned at me clutching my hand on his, shaking it rather hard. He released me with a groan as he clutched his chest again. When he exhaled, a sort of yellowish energy flew out of his mouth.

  "What is that?" I asked.

  "Don't worry about it. It is just some regeneration energy." He waved it off as if it is not a big deal.

  At the mention of regeneration, my eyes widened. I only get a glimpse of a regeneration energy once when a version of Tenth Doctor transferred the energy into his spare hand. I hope I would never saw it in my Doctor. My wish for her to remain as she is.

  "Aah, you woke me up too soon. I am not finished yet." He said, pale and sweaty and then he fainted.

  With the Doctor is out of commission, things went downhill pretty soon with a broadcast from an alien race that somehow able to control the mind half of the population into walking on the edge. Next thing I know, Rose and the rest of us suddenly met up with Harriet Jones to deal with the alien.

  Much to my horror, I realized I couldn't understand what the alien is speaking. Rose said the Tardis must have some malfunction of some sort or maybe the ship is connected to the Doctor. That never happened before with my Doctor and the fam. I dreaded meeting alien with language barrier, bound to cause misunderstanding. Although these alien race seemed wanting to invade the earth for some reason, I wonder if we could reason with them without the Doctor.

  Rose tried her best though much to my admiration, she took charge. I don't know what I would do if I'm in her position. I prayed the Doctor feel better soon so he can help us with this crisis. I grimaced, feeling useless and I have a few hours to kill before the next splinter. I hope I could be of help somehow.

  I accompanied Rose, Harriet and a bunch of her people to face the alien. Part of me thought everything will be alright because I met  a version of Rose far back in the future, which meant that Rose probably survived these event, which meant the Doctor definitely will come through for us. And I was right. The Doctor did come through, still in his pajamas, with a smug look on his face as he started talking fast at everyone.

  "I want to be ginger. I never get to be ginger." The Doctor complained.

  Next thing I know the Doctor challenged the alien leader into a duel. He even lost a hand. I gasped as I covered my mouth. The metacrisis! I chuckled as the puzzle started to fit. My mouth dropped open as I saw the Doctor grew another hand. I meant I know he will do that since the version of him that I met didn't walking around with one hand.

  "Like a worm..." I whispered to myself.

  Rose gaped as she stared at me and then she covered the giggle that burst out of her mouth. But soon she started laughing.

  I chuckled and soon followed laughing especially when the Doctor walked toward us, asking us what is so funny. We just kept laughing.

  As the Doctor give his oncoming storm warning at the alien, they retreated. He took us back with his Tardis. The Doctor is pissed at Harriet for obliterating the retreating alien but she stood tall, believing she did the right thing. The dark look that crossed the Doctor's feature made my heart clenched in fear. But this is the Doctor. He would not do anything to punish her, would he? All he did is whisper something to Harriet's assistant and then walked away, ignoring Harriet attempt to plead her case.

  I frowned as I watched Harriet and then the Doctor's retreating figure.

  "(name), come along." The Doctor called out. He turned to Rose to tell her to get inside her house and that he need to change his clothing. They shared a flirty smile at each other before parting. He turned toward me, looking way too serious which make me very, very nervous. He gestured for me to come on board his Tardis. He made me wait in the console room while he went to the wardrobe room to change.

  "What do you think?" The Doctor, now in a proper suit, asked me. He was grinning in almost flirty manner.

  "It's very you." I answered flatly, trying to cover my nervousness of being alone with him.

  "Ah, right, you are from the future, so you must have already seen me in this suit." He said as he put his hands on his pockets and walked toward me with a stern look. "Care to explain why you are here?"

  "You didn't trust me." I know I can't expect the Doctor, any alternate version of him, to immediately put their trust in me but damn, I hate having to try to convince the Doctor again and again. Luckily, so far, I haven't met a version of Doctor that outright reject or dismiss me.

  He shrugged. "I don't know you." He said.

  I sighed. I pulled my notebook from my bag. I haven't updated my record yet, I really should do that soon. I flipped some pages.

  The Doctor stared at my notebook curiously.

  I showed him a page written by a version of Tenth Doctor. "Here." I gave the notebook to him. "This should at least clarify." The Tenth Doctor that I met wrote in my notebook said it will help the other Doctor to help me.

  The Doctor read the writing on the page but he look confused. "What is this?"

  "It is your handwriting..." I said with a touch of 'duh' on my tone.

  The Doctor sheepishly scratched his head. "Yeaah," He drawled. "I haven't done any writing yet, brand new hands, you see..."

  I gaped at him. Suddenly I felt stupid, he is right after all. I pulled to the next page. "But I'm sure you recognize this language." I said to him.

  And he did. A sombre look passed his feature upon seeing the Gallifreyan writings on the page.

  "How did you get this?" He asked suddenly looking almost angry.

  His  harsh tone took me aback. I gulped. "You are the one who wrote that..." I said almost defensively. "Well, technically an alternate version of you."

  He glanced at the notebook and then at me and then back to the notebook. He flipped some pages. "Alternate universe? You?" He asked. He pulled his sonic screwdriver to scan me. While he is waiting for the result, he flipped on some pages again.

  I glared at him and the sonic. I grabbed the notebook from him, almost in petulant. "Some of that is private, okay?" I put the notebook back on my bag.

  He took a glance at his sonic and his mouth dropped open. "You are telling the truth..." He glanced at me with a look of pity. "...and you are dying..."

  I exhaled at that. "Thankfully I'm still alive and kicking thanks to medicine your alternate future self give me, but I'm about to run out. The last Doctor said he has the back up but we got into trouble and then I splintered before he could give me the back up medicine."

  "That does sound like me...getting into trouble..." He pondered thoughtfully and then grinned boyishly at me. "Oh, well, it is nice to meet you, (name)."

  I tried to smile but it is more like a grimace.

  "Now, about the medicine... I think I spot a page about the formula of some kind."

  "Ah yes, he does wrote it in my notebook." I said as I pulled back out my notebook, flipping on the page of the formula written by a version of Twelfth Doctor. I showed the page to him. He took the book from me and scanned it using the Tardis. "What are you doing?"

  He smirked at me. "Making you your backup medicine. The Tardis will help me find the key ingredient for the formula."

  I watched him moving in circle surrounding the console, pushing some button on it.

  "My alternate-self seemed to trust you so I don't see any reason not to help you." He said, without looking at me.

  "Gee, thanks." I said sarcastically.

  He grinned. "I assume you took one when you arrived in this universe?"

  I shrugged. "Kinda have to considering..."

  "considering...what?"

  "Well sometimes I cough up blood. He said, the Doctor I met before, he said to take one."

  The smile slide off his face as he is looking at me solemnly, pity in his eyes. "I'm so sorry."

  I shrugged. "It is fine. I'm getting used to it. So, the medicine, how long will it take to finish?"

  He glanced at me. "We could join Rose and her family for dinner. It should be finish afterward. Join us?"

  "I don't want to intrude."

  "Nonsense, come along, (name)." He said with a grin as he grabbed my hand and pulled me outside the Tardis.

  "Oi, hurry it up, will you two!" Rose called out.

  A bright, adoring smile crossed the Doctor's feature upon seeing Rose. "Coming..."

  I relented and joined the Doctor and Rose. Thankfully, Rose is friendly enough with me. But I kind of feeling like a third wheel around them...again.

  I smiled as I observed the Doctor, Rose and her family. They seemed to having much fun. After we finished dinner, we got out and saw it started snowing much to everyone excitement until the Doctor ruined it by saying it is a remnant of the exploding ship of the alien earlier.

  I glanced at the obvious couple as they stared and pointed at the night sky. That's when I felt the tingling. Realizing I was about to be taken away, I called out to him.

  "Doctor, thank you for having me. But it looked like I couldn't get the medicine again. Hold on it for me, will you? We might see each other again..." I said with almost a sad smile.

  The Doctor and Rose frowned at me in confusion. Their eyes widened as I slowly started to fade away.

   7777

  I landed somewhere and immediately feeling like the ground beneath me collapsed. I fell on my knees, clutching my head and groaning.  "Ooww..."

  "Are you alright?"

  I blinked and opened my eyes to see a red-haired little girl staring at me curiously. I took a glance at the surrounding, I was at the backyard in some random house. "Where is here?"

  "Leadworth." The little girl answered almost in annoyance directed at the said place.

  "Leadworth?" I repeated. Then I finally noticed the Tardis next to a shattered shed. "Doctor?" I called out. "Doctor!"

  "You know that weird man?" The little girl asked.

  "You saw the Doctor?" I asked as I turned to question the girl.

  Suddenly the Doctor come out from the house, calling out my name in excitement. "(name), you are here!"

  I blinked as I saw Eleventh Doctor in a messy, torn suit. "Doctor?" I pondered about which Eleventh Doctor is he when he went to hug me tight.

  "I'm so glad to see you again." He whispered at me.

  I hesitantly hugged him back. "Me too."

  He released me and he suddenly sniffed me. "You smell weird."

  "W-what?" I asked in horror and offended.

  He suddenly licked my cheek.

  "Eww." The girl and I exclaimed at the same time.

  "What the hell, Doctor? You can't just go around licking people!" I yelled, wiping my cheek with my clothes.

  "You smell...You smell like me...like a regeneration. Have you been with a version of me that has just regenerating?" He asked.

  My eyes widened at that. "Err, yeah, actually." I remembered the Tenth Doctor from before, with that weird yellow regeneration energy thing, it does get caught on my face. "You can smell that?" I asked. I glanced at him, really taking him in. "You...you also have just regenerated?"

  He smiled almost solemnly.

  "Doctor." I called out. "The last time we met is..."

  "Thank you for comforting me that time, (name)."

  My heart clenched in sorrow suddenly upon remembering that version of Tenth Doctor, the one so clouded with sorrow and burdened by the prophecy of his death. He finally regenerated into his eleventh self after all. I am sad that I won't see him ever again despite knowing they are still the same person in all the things that matter.

  "I am so glad that you survived. You make it sounded like you will not." I said softly.

  "Yeaah, sorry about that, mind is a bit messy last time."

  The little girl coughed up to catches our attention.

  The Doctor is beaming as he introduced me to the girl, Amelia Pond. I recognized the name and I stared at the little girl in wonder. 

  Amelia grabbed the Doctor's hand asking about some crack in the wall.

  We ended up in Amelia's room, observing the crack in the wall. A faint voice calling out a prisoner zero can be heard through the crack.

  The Doctor observed the crack carefully, sonicking it. At that moment, I felt the tingling again.

  "Doctor..." I called out. But he ignored me, staring at the opened crack and some eye thing that he said to be the warden of some alien prison.

  I turned to Amelia who is staring at me curiously. "Amy, I have to go. Stick with him, okay? He can fix the crack. Be safe."

  "Are you leaving?" Amelia asked looking almost disappointed.

  "I have no choice. But I'm sure we will see each other again." I said as I faded away.

  The Doctor turned to me at that exact moment. He looked like a kicked puppy upon seeing my fading self.

  I wanted to say something, anything but it was too late.

   tags: @thatsonezesty13

 A/N: And...I'm stuck. Sorry that it took so long to update. Hope this will still be a good read.

#thirteenth doctor x reader #13th doctor x reader #doctor who x reader #doctor who fanfiction #shiefenwrites

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon and ah, its just me than. Links on tumblr break half the time for me sorry bout that!

1: Mostly how it looks in the actual episode but with some changes. Its gaint, even has multiple floors, most rooms have a glass dome roof with iron railings (3-4) lining the bottom of the glass. The hallway typically have windows leading up to the roof, but the roof and both floor are a mix of materials like iron, copper, wood, and even gold. The most complex room is the Council room, which has a a higher roof than the rest, with mostly wood railings that go all the way up and lead to a circle at the top. The Council is the group that leads Mizu, they have 1 leader of every Idol to represent the different opinions of the citizens, with 1 special member that doesnt belong to any Idol, and is instead used to represent the opinions of people who either haven't chosen a idol yet, got kicked out of a idol following, and just to give a unbiased opinion most of the time. They do make most decisions, mostly those relating to topics like construction, farming, money distribution, where people can live, etc. And they also mostly agree on most subjects and don't agure, but they do have massive disagreements on topics and problems like Representation in other Cities/Kingdoms, trading, visitors and immigrants, and sometimes supply missions. 

3: Situations like taking care of his siblings (I have decided Benjamin shall have siblings) and friends, and he was also put under extreme stress as a kid in school and family life, but unlike Ranbob, he managed to successfully communicate his struggle and find coping mechanisms. Also when he went off to live by himself for a bit, he was under sudden extreme situations where he had to make split second decision. So he just learned from everything thats happened to him over time. 

8: Levi exists purely to make Watson and others go insane. People claimed it was made up because they claimed most events as unrealistic (like Doomsday, Techno escaping a death trial, Pandoras Vault (they believed it impossible for something to be inescapable)). Plus the fact it seemed cruel such young people where faced with such trauma that no sane person would let it happen, and the fact most historical important items couldn't be found, people claiming that they where made up (also cause if the land was that exposed to such devastation, it would've collapsed on itself). No to both of those, by this point their to far away from Dream for him to have a direct meaningful affect on the group, and while the residents of Kelalen know it was Dreams sword, the group does not know. Nope! Mizu came about years after Kelalen was forgotten about and shamed. And Mizu was only made because of the growing number of believers in the SMP history was causing disruptions in both the political sense and educational sense, so it was made to separate the "outcasts". Though Mizu eventually grew as big as most cities, and greatly civilized and advanced, though they where still often "forgotten" about and basically seperate from the Kingdom that set them up and became their own place (though not officially). 

They do have a friendship! Its not super close but their definitely friends. Ranbob is definitely a worrier, he heard that two of his friends almost died he immediately goes to them and fuses over them. And when their recovering he doesnt leave their side, infact Benjamin has to drag him away from the two just to get him to eat. And he refuses to sleep unless he's like directly on top of them. Yeah, Cletus challenges Grievous to a parkour challenge over a Delta Basalt, and he happily accepts. They end up giving everyone a heart attack after Cletus slips and almost falls onto a magma block. Jackie plays in soul sand and dumps a handful down Rans shirt, Watson teaches Charles and Isaac how to make gold from gold nuggets and more Piglin culture. When Cletus is cleared to be ok and Jackie stops getting soul sand in areas he didn't even know existed. They all sit in a circle and decide what they should try first, with Ran and Watson watching carefully and preventing them from drinking anything that they recognized as harmful. But other than that they just let the others do whatever. 

10: Because he couldn't use it, when Dream was a full human he used to be able to access his powers at his own will. But after his spirit got linked to his mask his power greatly reduced. To the point he relies on others for his powers, more specifically, he needs them to be exposed to him for a certain amount of time (like 2 weeks) until he can use their own essence/spirit to help his powers. When the group of people came after Ranbob left, they stayed for a long time, especially after they took the mask with them. Dream got the power back. Cause it is a "I worked to hard to give this up." Type situation. Ranbob was his first victim and the first person he had control over in decades, he considers Ranbob the puppet he was meant to have and refuses to let him go. Everyone is the nat to him, but specifically Ran. Cause Ran was the only person who survived the murders, so Dream sees him as a kill that was taken from him that he needs to fix. Everyone else to him is nothing more than an annoyance, and he's more than happy to use them as nothing more than a stepping stone to kill once he's done with them. 

13: Ran is stronger than everyone else, Jackie is faster than everyone else, and Watson is more acrobatic than everyone else. Sorry can you reword "Is Jackie considered stronger than them aside from shared tactics, or is it the other way around?"? I dont completely understand sorry. Kind of, I'll say. There can only be 3 ranking members, but it can also be 2 Corporals and 1 Sergeant. 

14: They where caught off guard, but also knew something must be going on due to the fishermen staying closer to Ranbob than normal. He never got too far, as he isnt very fast and Charles and both Isaac tend to be fast enough to get him. If the episode is really bad bringing him back can lead into physical fights but it rarely gets into that, as it seems like Ranbob really doesn't want to fight them most of the time, and holds himself back.

Well, I hope it’s working for you now, cause that sounds less than ideal, honestly.

1: Well, Mizu sounds gorgeous, quite frankly. As for the council having a member of no idol, what about that? People can get kicked out from an idol group? Why? Do some just never choose an idol? Also, how’s the housing situation there? Are there like, apartments on one of the floors, or something? Why does the council not really agree on outside affairs?

3: Not gonna lie, I’m rather curious. What kind of life did Benjamin lead to be under such heavy stress? Does he relate to Ranbob because of this? And what was he doing when he lived on his own to need to make fast-paced decisions? Also, siblings! What’re his siblings like?

8: He sounds like it.

And hm. There are several things I’ve taken from this. 

Do totems no longer exist, if they don’t believe Techno could have survived, or did that particular piece of the story just get left out over time?

Has Pandora’s vault fallen? And why would people find it unbelievable? If it’s the future, shouldn’t they have even more advanced technology than that? Or is it simply the lack of evidence that leads them to disagreeing about it’s existence? 

They don’t believe people would have been so cruel to the younger ones? Oof, um. Well, at least that says something about the future, I guess. 

Mizu sounds like it has an interesting history in it’s self. How do Ran and Ranbob feel about being in a world that basically shunned the people of what would eventually become their home? Do they ever have issues when people find out they originate from Mizu, or worship an idol? From how you put it, it seems like that wasn’t really looked upon well, since they shunted the people who did it to Mizu.

Friendships for the win! Maybe not close, but it sounds like an interesting dynamic. Charles honestly seems pretty mild, and as you said, shy, so putting him with Mr.Random And Chaotic certainly sounds like something. How did these two become friends?

And honestly, it sounds like everyone had a lot of unique experiences in the Nether. It also sounds like Ran and Ranbob were probably an inch from a heart-attack the entire time, considering the shenanigans ongoing. It sounds kind of cute that Ranbob was only sleeping when he was close to them though, and it gives me the image of a giant fluffy cat, so win-win there.

10: Interesting. Was Ranbob not enough to fully return that power to him when the Fishermen first came and took him? Or did Dream just not think they’d get that far and not react in time, when he still had that power from his puppet?

And, uh, wow. Dream was certainly off his rocker before, but that’s definitely cemented now. Is anyone aware he thinks of Ranbob in such a way? Does Ranbob know? How are everyone’s feelings on that-besides y’know, ‘gonna murder Mr.Mask Man’. How does everyone feel about being considered as ‘nats’?

13: Huh. And yeah, I confused myself rereading that. Basically, is Jackie considered stronger than those two? You said they were mostly on par, because of the shared tactics, so when it comes to cutting those shared tactics out of the picture, does Jackie come out on top?

14: So the gang could tell? If I may ask, what were the tells that gave Ranbob away?

#Brothers AU #dream smp #dream smp au #tales from the smp #ranbob #ran

[honestgrins]

requesting part 3 of pretty good bad idea. i'm curious as to caroline's reaction to klaus' gift & whether or not she'll reach out to him, klaus possibly trying to worm his way to getting a first date, etc

Part I & Part II

Pretty Good Bad Idea: Me and You

Klaus had just poured himself a glass of wine when his phone rang, an unfamiliar number blazoned across the screen. Frowning, he wondered who managed to slip past the phalanx of assistants to reach his personal line directly. He checked his dinner warming in the oven before he answered, his voice somehow clear of the suspicion he felt. "Hello?"

"You called my mom to get a copy of my elementary school newspaper?"

In an instant, his frown gave way to a grin, and he relaxed against the counter. "Miss Forbes," he greeted politely, "it seems I'm not the only one with a talent for procuring contact information. I'm impressed. Not even my security team has this number, so I can't blame your friend, Enzo."

Caroline sighed. "You can and you can't. You didn't hear it from me, but he's dating your brother Kol, who's not big on boundaries. All I had to do was complain about you calling my mother and he was airdropping me your contact."

"He's always enjoyed sowing a little chaos in the family," Klaus answered, pleased for once at Kol's antics. "As for the good sheriff, Liz is a stern negotiator - wouldn't give up the paper unless I made my intentions clear. Tell me, love, has she always been this tough on your suitors? I've half a mind to hire her away from Mystic Falls."

"You're not a suitor, you're a subject," she said. Whether to remind him or herself, he didn't know. "And she'd never leave, no matter how much you paid her."

His smile spread, and he sipped his wine. "I'm sure I could make an offer worth her while."

A flustered noise came through the line. "We- We're getting off track. Why would you call her in the first place? You don't even know me."

"I'd like to, I thought I made that quite clear." That only earned him silence, so he went in for the kill. "And it's only fair, since you've been chatting with my mother for the last month or so."

Caroline remained quiet, but he could practically hear the gears grinding in that magnificent mind of hers. Softly, she cleared her throat. "A reporter never reveals her sources. What makes you think I'm not protecting mine?"

The oven timer beeped, and he pulled out the casserole dish filled with his favorite pasta. "You're good at what you do, as am I," he warned. "I happen to have received an advanced copy of your article for tomorrow, and it wasn't terribly difficult for me to put the pieces together."

"Wow," she replied, not sounding thrilled in the slightest, "do I have to call out my editor for letting the news slip early?"

"It's not her fault." Klaus shrugged, stirring the dish and making himself a plate. "I'm in talks to buy your publisher, had a meeting tonight to walk through the printers and grabbed tomorrow's edition on my way out."

She scoffed, and he liked to think she was almost smiling in disbelief. "You're insane."

"Determined," he countered. "But the timing of it was a happy accident, these talks have been happening since I took over as CEO. Diversifying into traditional media is meant to be Original's new philanthropic arm, as stodgy as the board has been about the idea."

Her breath hitched, likely in surprise. "Can I quote you on that?"

He took his first bite and nearly moaned; his housekeeper was an angel among women to cook so well, and he needed to give her a raise. "Provided you embargo it until the deal goes through, yes. Until then, you'll have to deal with my PR staff, who tend to loathe the rare occasion I speak to the media directly."

"Lucky me," Caroline said, her voice an odd mixture of pleased and resigned. "And thank you for the gift, even if I still think it's weird you called my mom to make it happen."

"You're welcome, sweetheart, I was happy to do it."

"When do you even have time to do stuff like this? Aren't you busy playing master of the universe? Like, how do you find time to eat, or sleep?"

Personal questions were a good sign, he thought. "I'm actually eating now, only took until nine o'clock at night to get a chance to sit and relax."

"Oh, I'm sorry to-"

"Don't be, I'm enjoying myself," he assured her, hoping she wouldn't hang up. "How was your day?"

She laughed, and it felt like a victory. "Well, there was this rich guy who dropped into the office..."

"Sounds awful."

"I don't know," she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice. "There's something about him."

Digging at his plate again, Klaus couldn't help a smile either. "Still, I'd rather talk about you. What are you working on, other than Original?"

As she launched into an interview she did with a local charity, he was struck by the desire to keep the conversation going indefinitely. For a moment, he could see himself heating up meals for two, sharing a bottle with her as they sat in his kitchen and sharing their days. It wouldn't be quite that simple, he knew, but it was a nice image - one he wanted to make real.

And he usually got what he wanted, determined individual that he was.

#klaroline #klaroline mini drabble #sunday prompts #double back #fic: pretty good bad idea

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

NOLA marathon recap!

-now that it’s over I know it all worked out but in retrospect new orleans was a horrible place to pick to run a marathon lol the race itself was great but it’s definitely a party city and especially because jared’s parents are here with us (and not running) it kinda felt like we were missing out on the full experience (for instance last night we were at a jazz club but had to leave early and didn’t get drinks, etc. but we still have 24 hours of fun!)

-I was STRESSIN about what to eat yesterday/this morning because I really did not practice that while training because I just wanted to live my life and not worry about eating a certain way for a long run every weekend (plus on a normal run its no biggie to stop to use the bathroom) so I was feeling very ahhhhh!!!! yesterday, again, also because jared’s parents were here and don’t understand my running related insanity like jared does lol

-so yesterday I ate: bagel w/ cc and strawberries, pineapple

-oyster/shrimp po boy (I mean we are in new orleans) with fries

-a glass of white wine, shared fancy brussel sprouts with the table, cacio e pepe pasta (which was basically like less creamy mac and cheese and I was worried might be a bad decision but oh well) and a couple bites of a dessert we all shared (only recording this for future marathon reference)

-generally I don’t eat before morning runs but when I have all the time in the world (aka over winter break) I like to eat breakfast, poop, and then run and that was always when I had my best runs, I felt conflicted over whether or not to get up early to eat before the race because even though technically I have eaten breakfast before runs I have never intentionally woken up early with the explicit goal of eating before a long run PLUS when I ate (5am) here it was 3am my (CA) time and I was v worried about not being able to poop and then having to run feeling bloated and bleh

-but I decided to eat oatmeal and I DID poop (aren’t you all glad to know?) and that was well and good

-I had been wavering between my race plan because half of me was like “find the 4 hour pacer and just run a little bit faster at the end and you will break four” since my nyc time was 4:12 and my main goal was to break 4 but THEN my ego jumped in (that’s always good!) and was like nah nah nah nah nah but I want to go FASTER. Honestly I had NO idea what pace I could maintain for 26.2. I have been running most of my runs VERY slowly (for me) at like 10-12min pace but then I also have runs where I’ve run 6-7-8 pace (although short distance) and felt good so I was like uh uh uh because I didn’t want to finish feeling like I had more in me but I DEFINITELY didn’t want to burn out SO I decided I would find the 3:50 pacer and run the first half with them and then reassess (also, I generally run a race pace about 30 seconds faster than my usual pace comfortably because adrenaline so even though I thought the 3:50 aka 8:46 pace might be a little bit pushing it I was like welp I can always pull back if it feels like too much in the beginning)

-anyway! got to the start, found the 3:50 pacer, decided I would glue myself to her hip forever.

-THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY: I don’t know how many of you have heard but last week in oklahoma a driver hit a group of runners from a highschool xc team while they were on a run and killed 2 of them and injured 4 others, I read that headline the other day and was like holy shit. THEN! In the starting corral I was next to this guy and he asked me if I had heard about that and I was like actually yes and HE IS A RUNNER ON THAT XC TEAM AND HE SAID HE WAS THERE TODAY TO RUN IN MEMORY OF HIS TEAMMATES WHO WERE KILLED and I was like holy shit you are incredible and that’s amazing and also I’m so sorry that that reason for being here exists in the first place but like WHAT! small world

-anyway! the pacer’s name was kim and she was from new orleans and we talked a bunch and kinda formed a little 3:50 squad and all got to know eachother and it was GREAT I 100% plan to run with a pacer in the future it was a game changer and I honestly believe I owe my race to it. It forced me to hold back in the beginning and hang on at the end and took all of the thinking and calculations out of it because I knew if I just hung onto her I would get there in time

-the first half of the race was nice and in the downtown area but the second half was ROUGH. It was along the lake and it was WINDY AS SHIT! And there were a bunch of bridges and even though the rest of the course was flat they were...tough. Around 18 I was like ok starting to enter the pain cave and then at 20 I was like ahhhhhh

-But I had mentally prepared myself for the mental battle of the race *see alexi pappas quote on hand* and I told myself to just stop thinking and keep moving forward, before the race even started I knew my biggest challenge in this race would be my brain, not my fitness level

-But then at 21 I started to think about dropping off the pace group because another 5 miles at that pace just seemed so. hard. But I hung on

-And then at 22 I was like ok no I need to walk for a sec my stomach did NOT feel good, so I stopped to walk on a WINDY FKING BRIDGE and then I started dry heaving into the wind but had basically nothing in my stomach I guess and I was like well this is bad but I feel validated in my need to walk for a sec!

-Miles 22-24 were just fucking hard. I had a super bad cramp and was in the pain cave and honestly walked a fair bit and the whole time I was like bitch we are not having an nyc repeat!

-I knew that I had run the first 22 miles fast enough that if I just kept. moving. I would finish under 4. Even though my sub 3:50 ship had sailed I was like YOU HAVE COME TOO FAR TO LET THIS GET AWAY FROM YOU.

-I SHUFFLED mile 25 but I was like if you can just run, even your slowest possible pace, you will make it.

-And then there was a HUGE BRIDGE HILL that I had forgotten about just past 25 and I was like holy shitTtTtTt

-But then I had .7 to go and I KNEW I was going to make it

-And the whole time I was just like “Danielle just keep fucking moving. Just get there under 4 hours. You can take 500 years off of running after this. You can get a fancy drink with dinner tonight. Just keep fucking moving.”

-And I did just that

-As I approached the finish I looked at the seconds on my watch because I honestly felt like I had NOTHING left to give so I was like ok how close am I to the next minute and I was at like 3.52:20 or something and I was like oh we HAVE this

And then it was over! And I am so happy with the result! And I found jared and his parents and it was the best I could have asked for and honestly, I respect the marathon so much more. I feel like after nyc because my pacing screwed me over I was like pft I can run a WAY faster marathon if I’m just smart! I just didn’t run that one intelligently! (which like yes true BUT) but today I was like fuck no marathons are just HARD. That’s the tea!

So! 3:52. 20 minute PR. Honestly not the best training cycle. Can’t wait to see what I’m capable of when I really give it my all.

#personalposts #runs #nola marathon #myfood #nola #la

[angelsunflowers-fanfics]

Mad Moxxi x Male!reader (Low esteem)

Request: May I request a Moxxi x Male!reader where he has low self-esteem but has been crush’n on oxxi for years. Moxxi asks him out but he just kinda ignores her because he’s thinking ‘no way she’d ever be talking to me’ Written from the reader’s POV. Please and thank you

Fandom: Borderlands

Genre: Angst to Fluff

Pov: Reader’s

Linktree

~~~~~

Another shot, another swing of hard alcohol. This couldn’t be good for my low self-esteem, but who cared? Me. I did. I should stop now before I got too hammered, I still needed to walk home. I stared at the swirling pool of hard rum in my small glass as I lightly spun the cup around, careful as to not spill a drop of the liquid.

I slowly looked up as Moxxi crossed her arms and laid them on the bar right in front of me, what was she up to? There was no one else in the bar except the two of us.

I should get going before I regretted drinking way too much. I slowly stood from my comfortable seat and paid my tab before slowly turning towards the door, but I stopped when Moxxi grabbed my arm. What was going on?

“Wait, you’re not gonna leave without accepting my request for a date, are you?” She said to me.

No way she’d ever be talking to me. What was she talking about? She was playing with me, right? I couldn’t even remember the last time someone even asked me out.

I slowly pulled my arm out of her grasp before grabbing my bag full of everything I needed for Pandora; guns, ammo, etc.

“That’s not funny, you shouldn’t joke around like that. Especially with someone like me, I might actually take it seriously,” I told her. 

I turned around and headed for my home on the edge of Sanctuary, I always did like the view from there, I didn’t spend enough time there though. I should head to bed, it was getting late.

… … … … … … … …

I woke up in the middle of the night, gasping, letting the cold sweat stick to my forehead. Another nightmare. I’d been having more and more of those lately. Was the stress of this planet really getting to me? I thought I was stronger than this.

My heart nearly leapt out of my chest as someone loudly and abruptly pounded on my door. Jesus, who could that be at this hour? I was pretty sure it was nearly 3 in the morning. I slowly removed myself from the bed and walk to the front of the small home. I sleepily rubbed my eyes as I opened the door.

Moxxi. What the hell was she doing here? 

“Ms. Moxxi, er, Ma’am… What are you doing here?” I managed to stumble out to her.

She was wearing cute overalls. Where did she even get that?

“I demand to know why you didn’t accept a date with me!” She slurred her words.

She was serious about that? I fucking turned down Mad Moxxi. Jesus, I really was hopeless.

“I, um--” My stuttering was cut off by Moxxi propping herself against my open door.

“Can I come in? Pretty please?” She batted her eyelashes at me.

It didn’t seem like there was a way out of this. I slowly got out of her way and gesture her to come inside. It was fairly clean, I wasn’t home much though.

“Sure,” I answered. 

Moxxi stumbled into my home, using me for support. I think my head was going to explode. I didn’t even know she had this kind of accent, it was beautiful. I was so C O N F U S E D and attracted. But this wasn’t the right time. 

“Okay, let’s get you on the couch,” I told her as I wrapped an arm around Moxxi’s waist before I lifted her off her feet to carry her to the couch, using my other arm to support her legs.

“Whoa! You’re so strong!” She murmured.

She let out a drunk giggle, nudging her head close to my chest. My face was heating up. I could feel it. I carefully set her on the couch before staring at her. I wasn’t going to get any coherent answers out of her when she was like this. As cute as she looked and sounded, I needed sober Moxxi. 

“Why are you staring at me like that? Do you see anything that you like?” She teased me.

My face darkened in color, causing me to turn the opposite way of her.

“I’m gonna make you something to eat, just… Stay right there,” I whispered to her. 

I quickly controlled my breathing before making her one of the few things I knew how to cook. I tapped my foot anxiously as the food slowly cooked, almost ready. I stiffened as I felt a body pressed against mine, her nails raked down my chest lightly.

“Wow, I didn’t know you had such a nice body. I fell for your vibe, the way you mumble into your hard liquor or the way your hair is always so disheveled,” Moxxi confessed. 

I nervously gulped as one of her hands became tangled in my hair, brushing through the strands lightly. I slowly turned off the burner and spun on my heel to face Moxxi. She was making me feel insane feelings for her.

“Here, I made you something to eat because you're a bit drunk and I need to sober you up,” I told her. 

Moxxi slowly pulled away, keeping a hand on my arm.

“Not drunk! Just a bit tipsy! I like to have fun… I haven’t had one guy make me something to eat… I guess you are different from the rest,” She drunkenly told me. 

I set down her plate on the small table and her Moxxi into her seat. I stood away from her and pondered.

How long was it going to take to get her sober again? She was pretty hammered right now. I should get her to sleep once she was finished.

~~~~

It was taking longer than I thought it would to put her to bed. Christ, it was like putting an actual child to bed.

“Why don’t you sleep here tonight?” I offered to her.

Moxxi slid into my bed with no shame, snuggling herself under the covers.

“Where are you sleeping?” She mumbled, already half-asleep.

I glanced over to the couch for a moment, that wouldn’t be comfortable.

“Don’t worry about it. Just get some rest,” I assured her. 

Moxxi passed out within seconds of me talking to her. I should get a few hours of rest before the sun rises. I didn’t know what I was gonna do with her though.

~~~~

I heard the shuffling of my bedsheets as I woke up the next morning, the smell of her perfume trapped in the 4 walls of my home. Right, I wondered if she remembered what she said or did last night.

“What the hell am I doing here?” She asked herself.

I quickly stood up from my position on the couch to make some coffee, to wake both me and her up.

“Hey, you're awake. Good. I'm making some coffee,” I said. 

Moxxi sat at the counter bar, a hand held to her head. A headache.

“Fuck. What happened last night? My head is killing me. And why am I here?” I carefully set down a cup of coffee in front of Moxxi. Her head shot up wildly. “Oh my, God! Did we--no… I wanted the first time to be perfect.” She was going down a spiral.

“Relax. Nothing like that happened. Would it be so bad if it did?” I reassured her carefully to stop her from spiraling. 

She slowly grabbed the cup of coffee, lightly drumming her fingers on the cup to occupy herself.

“No… Not at all but I want to remember it and you… I didn't say or do anything too embarrassing, did I?” She asked, unknowing of what her past actions were.

My face turned from its normal shade to a vibrant red. Moxxi ducked her head away from my gaze. 

“Oh no. What did I say?” She asked. I quickly took a seat across from her.

“You kinda… Confessed to me and…” She sighed in exhaustion and embarrassment. “You felt me up, a bit.” Moxxi was getting redder and redder by the second.

“Oh god. I’m sorry. Can I make it up to you? Please? So we can forget about this embarrassment of a night?” She asked.

I smiled lightly, I could feel my esteem growing. That hadn’t happened in a long time.

“I’ll accept that date with you, I didn’t think you were serious yesterday, but I am never forgetting last night”

#Mad moxxi #moxxi #borderlands #mad moxxi x reader #moxxi x reader #borderlands x reader

[eldritchsurveys]

680.

Do you or have you ever owned a cup with your name on it? >> Actually, I have two. One time there was this dude in Meijer who was doing a promotion for Guinness, and the promo was apparently... giving out custom-engraved pint glasses???? You told him your name and he had this machine that put it on the glass for you. It was weird, especially since it was free... The font that your name is in is a bit wack, though. The other thing I have is a wine glass painted with a nighttime-y scene with skeletal trees and ravens on it. It has my name painted on the stand part, along with the date of my wedding. Sparrow has one too, with her name on it. I’m not even sure where they came from, tbh, but they’re pretty.

What’s the most expensive crafts tool that you own? >> I don’t think I own any expensive crafts tools. The only things I have are, like, pencils, a sketchbook, knitting needles, and yarn.

Have you ever woven baskets of any kind (wicker, paper, cardboard etc.)? >> Maybe as a child.

How do you like Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis? >> It’s all right.

Speaking of Jerry Lee Lewis, have you seen the biopic about him? >> I don’t think so.

How about the biopic about Tina Turner? >> Yeah, I saw that one.

Do you like the TV-show Frasier? >> I do, it’s actually funnier to me now than when I was younger. Back then I thought it was boring but it kills me now.

What’s something you know by heart? >> A lot of song lyrics? Also, the Litany Against Fear.

What is something you’re greedy about? >> I don’t think I’m particularly greedy about anything.

How valuable does a coin have to be for you to bother to pick it up? >> I’d pick up a quarter, maybe. I’m just no longer in the financial position where picking up coins substantially enhances my available funds.

What would be something you would wait in line to get for free? >> It depends on how long the line is, what kind of mood I’m in, and where I am... not just on what the item is. If I’m in a good mood and the line seems manageable, I’d wait in it even if the item is just some random trinket that I have no real use for. If I’m not in a good mood and the line is insane, I wouldn’t wait in it even if it was for an expensive thing I’ve been wanting for ages.

Has there ever been a leak anywhere in your house? >> No.

Have you ever slipped in the shower? >> Not to the point of falling.

Have you ever made any decorative crafts? If so, are they displayed? >> Not in recent memory.

Is it very humid where you are right now? >> Nah.

What is the most suggestive thing someone has said to you? >> *shrug*

Do you have friends who you playfully flirt with? >> No.

Doesn’t the Z in the Bzoink logo look like an L to you, too? >> I mean, not really, but I see where you’re coming from.

Did you ever take that 5000 question survey that was circulating Tumblr? >> Yeah, I took it a long time ago. Once the novelty wore off, I realised that most of the questions were just terrible IMO, which is bound to happen once you endeavour to write a survey with quite that many questions.

Have you ever had to change a zipper in your favourite article of clothing? >> No.

Do you prefer buttons or zippers in general? >> Zippers.

Did you grandma have a box full of pretty buttons? >> ---

What’s the most exotic spice in your spice rack? >> Hmm... garam masala, maybe? We have a wide variety.

Do buttons tempt you to press them? >> Not usually, but sometimes.

Do you have a favourite television host? >> No.

What’s your opinion on celebrity chefs? >> I think some of them are cool and fun to watch. Alton Brown is probably my fave.

Back when it first started, did you watch ANTM? >> I think I’ve seen a season or two. I knew someone who got on it, too (Isis King).

Did you know, that there was even a Finnish version of ANTM? Miss Jay made an appearance in the first season, too. >> No, I didn’t know that, but it makes sense. There are a bunch of those shows modeled after American Idol, too, for different countries.

Are you accident prone? >> No.

Have you ever broken something really valuable? >> I accidentally broke a laptop screen once, and that was pretty damn valuable to me.

What do you see as timeless? >> ---

What is something that you own, that has sentimental value? >> Most of these plushies.

Have you ever had your own website? >> Yeah, I’ve taken stabs at it.

What’s your favourite board game? >> ---

How about your favourite card game? >> ---

What’s something that you finished recently? >> I finished watching Sparrow play through Death Stranding, lol. I’m glad it was her and not me, because I’m pretty sure that game would have made me ragequit within the first few hours, and that would have been a shame.

What’s the smallest town you recall visiting? >> I have no idea.

What’s the longest distance you’ve had to go to work or school? >> ---

Would you learn a new language, if you didn’t share one with your lover? >> Oh, like in Love Actually? I mean, I can’t imagine myself in that situation, but I thought it was cute.

Do you have friends who are constantly tagging you in challenges on FB? >> No. People who have me on facebook should know I prefer to do my actual fun socialising on here or Discord.

When it comes to chocolate, do you prefer nougat, jelly or caramel filling? >> ---

Are you more concerned about winning than just participating? >> No.

Has somebody you know taken their own life? >> No.

What is a number that has some significance to you? Why is that? >> 9. Well, there’s a lot of synchronicity.

Do you prefer onions, leeks or chives? >> I don’t think I have a preference, I’ll take all three. Onions may be the most versatile, though, so maybe those.

What’s the most adult thing you have to do every day? >> I don’t think I have to do any adult thing every day. Maybe feeding myself is an adult thing? Although teenagers and even kids do that too.

What’s the most immature thing you like to do every day? >> ---

Have you seen the movie, Clue? If so, isn’t it fab? >> No, but I’ve seen some funny gifsets that make me think it’d probably be a good time. I might give it a shot if I run into it on a streaming service one day.

Do your cheeks get flushed easily? Do you blush easily in general? >> No, I’ve never felt that feeling.

Are there any social cues you miss entirely? >> Oh, definitely.

When someone doesn’t smile back at you, what’s your first thought? >> They probably didn’t want to, and that’s okay. I don’t always want to smile at everyone who smiles at me, either, and it shouldn’t be a mark against my character just because I don’t smile at a stranger. But, you know, whatever. Any stranger that takes that much offense at me not smiling at them probably wouldn’t get along with me for very long anyway, so it’s a useful social litmus test in the end.

Is there a person who melts your heart just by looking at you? >> No. Well, maybe Can Calah sometimes.

Have you ever had tom kha kai? It’s a Thai coconut soup, and it’s amazing. We serve it at work. >> No, but I’d definitely try it.

Have you, or anyone you know ever been rude to a server? >> I’ve never had the experience of having to watch someone I’m with be rude to a server and I am so glad for that.

What’s something you’re opinionated and very vocal about? When’s the last time you had to verbally defend your stance? >> I don’t know. I don’t really defend any stance of mine, I just put it out there sometimes if I feel like rambling about it and then leave it alone. Arguing with people about shit that ultimately really don’t matter is a waste of my valuable energy.

Have you ever played BitLife? I sort of got hooked on it, it’s like sims but in text form. >> No. I quite like the graphical form of The Sims, so I’ll stick to that.

What’s something you regularly order online? >> CBD.

When’s the last time you made a penpal? >> I’ve never had one.

Do you often make friends online? >> I make a lot of acquaintances online. Friends are far fewer.

Do people ever try to get something from somebody through you? As in, they ask you to ask the person they should be asking in the first place. If that makes sense. >> No. Which is good, because I wouldn’t do it.

What do you think when you see a couple holding hands? >> Nothing???

Is there anything you’re forced to share with someone else? >> No.

What’s something stripy that you own? >> I have a black-and-royal-blue striped robe with the Ravenclaw logo on the back.

How about something polka dotted? >> Nothing.

What is something you find absolutely appalling? >> Some people’s utterly disrespectful behaviour on this website.

Do you like elevators? >> I mean, they’re fine. I don’t dislike them.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say “midnight madness”? >> Like... premieres? Or book releases? Or something like that. I have a vague association but I can’t remember exactly where it comes from.

What is a country you would never want to visit? >> ---

When you’re angry, does it ever get physical? >> Well, yeah, but not necessarily towards someone else.

What do you do, when you’re immensely happy? >> It depends on how I feel like expressing it at the time? Sometimes I don’t express it much at all, and sometimes I literally jump around the room.

What made you scream out loud the last time you screamed? >> ---

Can you hear your neighbours through the wall? >> Sometimes.

What is something that frustrates you to no end? >> Noise.

Do you wear shoes indoors? >> Absolutely not.

Who is your favourite stand-up comedian? >> Bo Burnham, Dylan Moran, and in general I’m fond of how Tiffany Haddish presents as a person and performer.

What’s the weirdest video youtube has suggested to you? >> It doesn’t usually suggest me anything weird.

What’s the funniest infomercial you’ve seen? >> ---

Is there a drink that just goes right through you? >> I don’t feel that way about any drink, no.

Is there a food item you can’t eat because it doesn’t agree with you? >> Not that I’ve encountered.

Do you playfully compete with someone about something? >> No.

Would you rather swim or run? >> I can’t swim, so my options are a little limited here.

Do you like the smell of tar? >> Sometimes, yeah.

Have you ever been to a sauna? >> No. I couldn’t last two minutes in a sauna.

Does your doorbell ring unexpectedly often? >> Not often, but sometimes people will ring multiple apartments trying to get into the building, which is fucking irritating.

Is your favourite fictional character a human, an animal or something else? >> I am my favourite fictional character. /facetious

Have you ever helped a stranger? If so, what did you do? >> I mean, sure. Just simple stuff, like picking up something they’ve dropped or letting them know they’ve left their key in the apartment door or dropping their mail off when it gets mistakenly put into my box.

Do you share hobbies with any of your friends? What do you do together? >> ---

Do you have any flags on display? If so, what flag(s)? >> I don’t. Sparrow has a rainbow flag with a peace sign in the middle on her wall.

#surveys #survey #random survey

[boredom-thingy]

TL;DR- I have been sorta kinda diagnosed with Executive Function disorder (psychologist said it was very very very likely that I was suffering from it, but he couldn’t do anything) and I think I’m emotionally abused by my parents. I’m still trying to figure out whats what and what problem comes from where and if I can life hack it. I’m looking for help and/or other people suffering from the same things to add to the list. This is my list of symptoms.

Hey, all of you out there who struggle with executive function disorder or have been emotionally abused, or both. I have sorta been diagnosed with EFD and I think I’m being emotionally abused (I could be wrong and over reacting, I honestly can’t tell). Its been a while but I’m slowly discovering more and more symptoms that I thought were normal or scared the shit outta me (and still do) originally. Here’s an incomplete list, mind agreeing or disagreeing with them and adding your own? And/or how you deal with them?

My Incomplete (and ever growing) List-

Time. My sense of time is off, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. There are times when I think something happened 2 months ago when in reality, it happened years ago. I can be left home alone and when my parents get home and ask me what I did for hours on end, I have zero clue, its just a blank hole. I lose track of time extremely easily too.

Other Disorders. I often feel like my particular brand of screwyness happens to combine other mental illnesses/disorders like insomnia, depression, anxiety, adhd, add, odd, and paranoia among others

Depersonalization/derealization(dissociation). Especially here recently, I think I’ve been suffering from episodes of Depersonalization-derealization disorder. Its happened in the past but not as much as right now.

I feel like I’m going insane. Constantly. I feel like I’m over-reacting to everything, like everything is in my imagination.

I always feel like I’ve done something wrong/upset people. People I don’t know, people I do know, people I love. I always feel like I’ve upset them or I’m some kind of burden or I’ve done something wrong. (Leads to me apologizing to a chair for hitting it.)

Extreme clumsiness. This one is prolly just me. But its often a source of anxiety for me.

Social skills are next to nothing. I can’t make friends. All the ones I have were introduced to me by other people or approached me on my own. And most of the time they end up ditching me and telling me its my fault. Also, my timing is shit. I’ll walk up and ask you for something while you're busy.

Cotton. I feel like my head is full of cotton, like I can’t think straight. My thoughts are either spaghetti or a train wreck. I lose track of what I was thinking extremely easily.

Memory. My memory is shit. My parents claim its not, and I feel like it didn’t used to be, but it is now. I forget how to do something when I read or heard the instructions 10 seconds earlier. I forget things that are important to me, things that I wanted to get or do. I forget when things happened (ties in with the time issue.) I can’t remember important life events, or more accurately, I can remember them, but the memory seems weirdly muddled and I cant remember when it happened.

Food. I love food. But there are times when I’m light-headed and dizzy, and I know I should eat, but I just... Don’t want to. The thought makes me nauseous, its too hard to get up, I���m not actually feeling hungry (despite the fact that I can hear my angry tummy and I can feel the light-headed/dizziness), etc. 

Being left alone (especially with not much to do). I don’t fear abandonment (ok I do a little, but that not the problem here.) I fear my own brain. I hate being left alone, especially for long periods of time because when I run out of things to keep my mind occupied, all those thoughts I forced to go away come steam rolling back. Intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, self harm thoughts, extremely depressing thoughts, disturbing thoughts that scare me witless, thoughts of running away, etc. I can’t stand my own brain. It scares me.

Motivation. I go to school online, 4.1 gpa (so far) and I am a fairly self motivated person. But there are times when I can barely find the motivation to grab my glasses off the nightstand 2 inches from my face and other times when I’m motivated to do something, I’m almost in a frenzy, and I’m hyper-focused on it. And there are times when I really want to do something (usually something that I love, like a hobby) but the thought of doing it makes me nauseous and I just don’t want to. Or if its a creative thing, like writing, I can’t seem to form a single idea or spark to get me started. My brain nopes out and I can’t do anything but stare at the paper, desperately wanting to write, but my brain is a bout as blank as the paper is.

Body-brain disconnect. Sometime my body and my brain seem to be on separate wavelengths. I want to stop scrolling through pinterest, but I can’t seem to make myself. I want to get up and eat, I know I need to, but I can’t make myself. I want to get up and do dishes or take a shower or do something, but my body just wont move. I want to go do something fun, like watch tv or draw, but I’m no moving, no matter how much I want it.

Pain. I am always in some kind of physical and/or mental pain. Headaches(near constant dull headache), back aches(always), cramps even when no where near that time(I am female), random muscle twitches/spasms/aches, etc. Oh and nausea. I’m nauseous a LOT. I also am light-headed or dizzy (or both) a lot.

Extreme mood swings.  I go from being so happy I could burst to emotionally shut down and sobbing in the corner in the blink of an eye. I go from being so pissed off that I want to slam my fist through a wall and break things to being so depressed I want to kill myself and repeatedly slam my head against the wall until I can’t see straight. I also sometimes get extremely frustrated/angry with the smallest things, like a noise, or something not working right, or the pets being annoying. Sometimes it gets to the point where I want to scream and break something or hit something (I never do and try my absolute hardest not to.)

Morbid thoughts. Fleeting morbid thoughts, generally about somehow injuring/harming myself. I might see a light socket and think “oh hey, you should stick a fork in that and see what happens” or I might see a pair of nail clippers or scissors and think “I wonder what would happen if I tried to cut x-spot on my body with those.” When I was younger, I used to want to sew patterns in my skin with a sewing needle and thread (never did, thank god) so they would scar over and create neat patterns on my skin.

War. I feel like I'm at war with my own brain, I talk to myself a lot. (I am an only child with parents that run their own business ((making them constantly busy)) so that is very possibly a reason I talk to myself. I also have very few friends and I talk to walls and my two dogs as well.) I tell my brain to shut up, to stop it, I feel like it has a mind of its own. Thats weird to say. (woooooo I'm totally crazy, right?)

Apologies. I apologize to literally everything. And about everything. I’ll apologize to a chair for bumping it. I apologize to my boyfriend when I rant to him or ask for help from him. I apologize for anything and everything, small or big. The bigger the issue, the more embarrassed and upset I am about it. Even if its not big to the other person. Ties in with always feeling like I did something wrong.

Defense. I am always on the defense, and sometimes it turns into offense. I always feel like I have to defend myself and everything I do or say that might have even the smallest chance of upsetting someone. And if I know it has or will upset someone, I defend myself more, to the point that it sometimes becomes offense. I can’t stop myself, I feel like I have to defend myself or I’m going to lose something or someone, or they’re going to take something I want or love away from me.

Noises and other various audio things.  Sometimes I feel like I can just barely hear someone calling my name, or a song, or a noise, or something just barely audible, but no matter how much I search for it, I can’t find it. Other times I can quite clearly hear someone calling my name, but I’m home alone, or when I ask my parents or the other people around me, they respond with confusion and a “no one called your name.” Other time noises, like beeps from the printer, even when I’m the one causing it and/or I’ve heard it multiple times in the past few minutes, jar me. They cause a jarring sensation, that is almost bone deep, I feel it in the back of my skull and it causes me to jump just a little.

All of these things are terrifying to me at various levels and they only seem to be getting worse. I study psychology for fun, I plan on going into it as a profession, eventually. I have done research on most of this, but I can’t find much on any of it (except emotional abuse), especially executive function disorder. Please help? (I am always adding to things when I think of more.)

@bradshore @katimorton @we-care-org

#executive function disorder #emotional abuse #help #psychology #dissociation #incomplete

[lapisreviewsstuff]

Rat hunt | Ethan Ramsey x MC( Taylor Smith) chapter 3

Author’s note: welcome to chapter 3 of “slow, but sweet romance” between Ethan and MC. Recently I was listening to Rebecca Sugar song called Escapism and time adventure. Man I am full of tears writing this chapter. Sorry for making you guys wait. Enjoy all ^^.

Warning: cursing, Dr.Rat’s jealousy( Landry) , drama, violence etc.

Words: I got Microsoft word so according to this software is 1800+

Tag list: @lilyofchoices @buzz-bee-buzz @isabella-choices if you guys wanna be tagged, let me know

“Landry, Dr.Landry Olsen” Taylor’s voice was quiet saying that name. Backtab really hurted Taylor a lot, she didn’t knew who to trust anymore. She felt like being on ice alone, but thank god Ethan is by her side. Ethan was shocked that no.5 intern would do stupid stunt just to get to no.1. Ethan letted go of Taylor and clenched his fists. He now knows who he will torture next. Now that he is back to his station, he can fire him easily. Yes... that’s what I am going to do he though about that. Taylor putted her hand on his shoulder to make him relax a bit. Ethan took her hand and pulled her to him and kissed her lips hardly like he is releasing his rage and longing into one kiss. She wrapped her hands around his neck and kissed back. Ethan then trailed his lips from her lips down to collarbone and gently bitted it. Taylor moaned at pleasure this was giving. Ethan then trailed his lips from collarbone up to her lips and ears and whispered

“He will pay for this. I don’t want you to suffer from his jealousy anymore. Remember that you are always protected by me, love. Maybe spend the night here, love?" Taylor’s eyes widened and she quietly agreed to his offer. Ethan grinned at the answer

“ Good girl. I really don’t want you to deal with this jealous rat and since you two live together under same roof, your files are unsafe. Why don’t you stay with me for couple of days until it’s over?” Ethan pulled himself away from her. Taylor was grateful that he is offering a place to stay, but she didn’t wanted to sleep for free. It felt so unfair to her

“ I would like to stay here, but I really don’t want to be here for free. I mean let me repay you something in return at least” Ethan shaked his head and pulled her into his embrace.

“ Taylor, I want you to be safe. I know how much interns are getting paid and honestly, taking something from you would be painful to me. Please, accept it with your heart. I will have guestroom prepared for you.” Taylor putted her hands around his neck and kissed him deeply. He kissed her back and wrapped his hands around her waist. Taylor pulled her lips away with a smile on her face

“ If my boss offers me that, then I agree to your offer to stay for couple of days with you.” Ethan smiled at her and Taylor kissed his lips again, trailed from his lips up to ear and whispered

“let the rat hunt begin” then pulled her lips away from his ear. Ethan was grinning at her and said

“ let’s have a toast, for the 1st annual rat hunt in this hospital" Ethan went to his kitchen to find a bottle of wine and poured 2 glasses of wine. He gave a glass to her and made a toast

“ To hunting a rat down in the hospital and get his ass fired” Ethan lifted his glass "hear,hear" Taylor's tone was cheerful and he clinched a glass with Taylor’s.

After having a talk about Naveen and having rough day with one of pitas in the hospital. Taylor felt tired so she putted her glass down and fell asleep on his couch. Ethan collected glasses and putted them into dishwasher and took her in bride style to guestroom. He gently lied her down on the bed, putted bed sheets on her and kissed her forehead and went to his bedroom. Before sleep he thought to himself

My little girl, I will protect you from rats anytime. I will always walk by your side and take care of you because you are my love and happiness in this cursed world. Naveen, do you see this? I tried to follow your path, but instead a path got split up and leads me to brighter one. Man, the sight of her look won’t leave my head for a week. Taylor, you and Naveen are the only people I give a damn about. Thank you for accepting my offer with your heart. He smiled at his own thoughts and fell asleep.

Taylor woke up in unfamiliar room dressed in yesterday’s clothes. Half of walls were wooden while other half was dark blue, floor was wooden as well.

Is this guestroom? She questioned to herself. She got off from her bed and went to kitchen. In kitchen Ethan was cooking breakfast for both of them. Ethan glanced at shy intern and gave heart warming smile

“ Morning, little girl” Taylor smiled at him and took steps towards Ethan. She standed close to him, he wrapped his left hand around her waist and pulled her for a kiss. His kiss was soft and tender one. She kissed him back and wrapped her hands around his neck. They pulled each other away to take a breath. They grinned at each other like fools.

“Morning, handsome. Hope I don’t break your policies here.�� Taylor smirked. Ethan lifted her chin up and kissed her again.

“Here, no way, but at work- yes” Ethan smirked and released his rookie to continue cooking breakfast. While they were eating breakfast, they were talking about routines in hospital, pitas being stubborn in hospital, Naveen's treatement and his tests. It was a normal morning to her. After breakfast they went to the hospital together and splitted up so no one would suspect them. When Ethan approached his office, Landry was standing by his door, blocking it. Ethan knew that storm was coming, so he took couple of steps closer to Landry and gave cold, serious look.

“ What do you want?” Landry looked around shyly and didn’t knew what to answer. Ethan glared at him and said

“Well? Are you going to stand there all day and blocking entry to my office or answer to my question!?” Landry composed himself and pulled Ethan’s face to his and kissed him. Ethan putted hands on his chest and pushed him away.

“ What the fuck, man? Are you insane?” Ethan pointed daggers at his eyes. Landry’s look became colder and took a step to Ethan’s direction. His look hinted of jealousy towards Taylor and Ethan.

“Why did you choose her instead me? Am I nothing to you?” Ethan hearing this got furious so he grabbed Landry by his shirt and looked straight into his eyes. Landry got scared so he turned his head away from Ethan’s.

“ Listen there, rat. I know everything what have you done to Dr. Smith and her files, including rigging her pager. Apparently, you are jealous of her talent in medicine and her well deserved no.1 spot. Please, Dr. Olsen, better focus on yourself and patients instead doing stupid shit and ruining your "roommate’s" image,you could’ve been brilliant diagnostician in fact. That’s why I’ve approved of your application to Edenbrook. You are pathetic, rat so better don’t test my patience now, do you understand?” Landry’s face became full of white. Landry looked at his eyes and saw anger. Instead agreeing, he took Ethan’s hands and forced Ethan to release him. Landry then snapped at Ethan

“ So you are with that slut? Who injected the drug into Mrs. Martinez and later on killed her, huh? Who stole the drug from Decan Nash, huh? She is real monster here and doesn’t deserve to be no.1 in rankings, Dr. Ramsey. While she does stunts like that, I was studying hard, solving many pitas in this hospital and what I get? Only no.5 spot in this rigged competition. I deserve better than that little slut.” Hearing him calling her ‘ little slut’ he ran out of patience and punched Landry into the face and later into right eye. Landry backed away completely holding his injured right eye with his right hand and ran away through the hall. Ethan entered his office and decided to contact Dr. Harper Emery to inform about situation and fire him completely. Harper paged Dr. Smith to her office to tell her side of the story about whole situation. When she entered Harper’s office, she saw Ethan sitting on the chair facing Emery’s desk. Ethan smiled at Taylor and she took a seat close to Ethan. Harper took a seat aswell and looked into Taylor.

“ Dr. Smith, when did sabotaging started?” Harper’s look was serious and she was really down-to-business this time. Taylor straightened up and looked straight at her eyes.

“ Whole sabotaging started after the trip to Miami. My pager was turned off that time. One attending scolded me for that, so I went to nurses station to check if really my pager is off and apparently it was. While my pager was off, mostly I was dependant on nurses to check on patients. When I checked on one patient, my files were missing and Dr. Mirani scolded me for being “unprepared” while I was prepared hours ago. Later on, someone spreaded lies that I was trash talking nurses’ job and now they hate me, but Danny didn’t fell for those lies and still helped me out to check on patients. One day I walked into closet and this is when I found out that Dr. Landry Olsen contacted Mrs. Martinez family about whole situation and was sabotaging me out of jealousy. Hope this explains whole situation, Dr. Emery” Harper’s eyes widened hearing this and looked at Ethan. Ethan nodded at this. Harper then looked at Taylor, she was staring at her. Harper coughed and straightened up

“ I see. Now this whole situation makes sense. Thank you for telling your side of the story, Dr. Smith. Dr. Ramsey, you are free to do your rounds while Dr. Smith stays at my office for a bit.” Ethan stood up and nodded at both women and left the office. Taylor looked at Dr. Emery. Dr. Emery straightened up and told her that her story wasn’t enough to stop the lawsuit and she is expected at courthouse on next friday.

“ I see. Thank you, Dr. Emery for enlightening me about lawsuit. I will be there, Dr. Emery. I will do anything to protect the hospital and myself.” Harper nodded and letted her go to do rounds.

I knew that I didn’t convinced them completely. I will have to tell Ethan about this. She sighed and went to do her rounds. When she ended her daily rounds, she changed her clothes and went to the entrance of the hospital. She met Ethan there and they together went to his car and went to his apartment. A ride was quiet one, Ethan saw sadness and anxiety in her eyes. He knew that something was up with her. When they entered their apartment, she sat down on the couch and sighed. Ethan sat besides her and wrapped his left arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. He buried his face into her hair, drinking her scent. He pulled his face from her hair and whispered in her ear.

“What’s wrong, love?” Taylor sighed and turned her face to Ethan.

“ Next Friday I will be at courthouse. I didn’t convinced them enough to stop the lawsuit”

#open heart #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan ramsey

[elenaescribe]

Shame: A Brief History of Self-Harm

Two years ago, I found myself digging through old writings and personal essays. In a certain piece from 2013, I found a quote that sparked a lot of interest in me:

“I can promise now that everything I write is honest… or at least correct through the eyes of my imagination”

This applies perfectly to the subject I will be tackling today. Why? Because pain and trauma can severely alter the clarity with which we view our memories.

***

It must be some time around 9:15am. I know this because I am rushing to the bathroom, putting on my contact lenses with a deep sense of desperation, scrambling to get ready for the first day of my second year in college. My body aches like if someone had brutally beaten it with a baseball bat. I am not myself nor am I anywhere near being fully present in the moment. Enraged, I race to my parents’ room and vomit all the words chewing me up from the inside out: “I cannot go to class; I am afraid, tired and lonely; I feel out of control; I need to feel numb; I want to gulp down a handful of Xanax; I hate you; I hate myself and the person I’ve recently become” Gasping for air, I continue. “Why aren’t you helping me? Why can’t you see how dead I am? Why are you judging me? Why am I going insane? Help me! Help me! Help me!”

My parents try to calm me down through softened voices. They reach for my wavering arms to try to hug me; my mother’s eyes fill with tears. The hurricane inside roars and off I go to my room, throwing the door and locking it immediately. Hunched over and with my fists curled into trembling spheres, I search for an item- a weapon. Something sharp enough to kill the beast standing over me, breathing hot air against my neck and hissing demonic sentences in my ear. It tells me to reach for the glass cup on my desk. It encourages me to stare at it wildly and imagine a life without my own shadow in it. I can feel the smooth surface against my fingers, a fast solution to temporarily end everything. The beast places its claws over my hand and, together, we throw the cup against the wooden floor.

The glass shatters like thunder against the ground, clear fragments surrounding my bare feet. My eyes widen at the sight of the numerous opportunities of agony beneath me. Without thinking about it twice, I step over the ridged pieces, making my way to the sharpest one my eyes can spot. A loud thump marks the moment in which I fall to my knees, pull down my pajama bottoms and reveal my legs. They feel hollow like the inside of a large trunk. My fingers grip the glass and begin to devour my skin with it; blood pools in new wounds and slowly drips to the floor. I attack my thighs once, twice, three then four then five then six times. There are too many gashes to count. Imagine squeezing a bottle of red food coloring over a crumpled piece of play-dough, that is what my legs look like.

As I release the jagged piece of broken glass, loud voices begin to flood my brain- it’s my parents, banging on the door and begging me to open it. I hadn’t even realized that they’d been there the entire time. My mom’s voice shakes as it tells me to stay calm down and not hurt myself; her tears are somehow visible through the walls of my room. By this point, I’m wailing, and it doesn’t seem possible to move my body. The surface of my skin stings like hell, but I know that the slashes bring me much more relief than pain. My father manages to unlock the door, he sees the mess and lets out a worried sigh. Offering me a hand, he stares at the crimson stains on my thighs.

The first time I self-harmed was in the fifth grade. A boy in class expressed his disgust after learning I had a crush on him. “Her? Gross!” he snarled to a friend. That exclamation was enough to send me down a spiral of self-hatred and despair. Before I knew it, I was on my way to the girls’ bathroom. That year I´d been mercilessly bullied, so I was perfectly used to hiding there when things felt unsafe. Bursting through the door, I glared intensely at my reflection in the mirror: a small girl with hair slicked back into an awkward pony tail, wearing a pair of brown glasses caging her two very disappointed eyes. She looked as if she were drowning in the middle of the ocean, hopeless and terribly afraid.

I angrily kicked one of the stalls open. Young and ignorant, I rolled up my sleeves and began to scratch at my left wrist until it became raw. The skin peeled up to reveal a tender, strawberry-colored layer of flesh. The sight and feel of this should’ve scared me, it should’ve warned me of the consequences of being impulsive. Instead, it made me feel curious and strangely powerful- like if I had just discovered a new way to survive. In a matter of months, I became the girl with bandages around her wrists. The other children murmured and whispered; rumors spread about me being insane. The next year they were about me being in the hospital with tubes going into various points of my body… like a horror villain. A science experiment. An unknown creature to healthy kids.

The scratching continued for three more years. It followed me from one school to the other and became a solid part of my identity. I understood it was a horrible habit; my parents were growing increasingly worried and various therapists threatened to hospitalize me if my tendency persisted. Occasionally, I would vow to stop clawing at myself and spend months without needing to cover up any scars. Redemption would feel so incredibly close. Then came the eighth grade, the year I decided to stop eating and start justifying my self-harm with delusional mantras: cutting myself makes me stronger, I’m beautiful when I bleed, hunger is equivalent to success, being healthy is boring.  

Wearing tight, black leggings and a huge thrifted sweater, I’d lie down in an empty bathtub and expose my ribcage. Under the pull of a sharp object (a small knife, scissors, etc.) my skin cried as new scratches appeared all over. The pain was practically unbearable. I didn’t mind, though, I´d expertly tricked myself into appreciating it. Every streak of the knife was falsely loved and thought of as the graceful movement of a paint brush, creating fascinatingly disturbed images on a blank canvas. How elegant to be sick, how wonderful to waste life, how amazing to punish instead of investing time in self-love and forgiveness. This is how I functioned for a very long time, this is how I dealt with things that were in and out of my control; this is how I finally died before having to snap out of it and rescue what was left of me.

Zoom in to the future, I’m twenty-one and getting back on my feet. Film school tore me down, blowing fire into my face with its hostile and heart-breaking environment. I needed to take shelter for a while so, in the end, I dropped out. My mother later confessed that she believed I’d eventually die if I kept going to college. After a few months of desolation and thinking I had ruined my future, it became obvious that leaving school was the remedy to my hysteria. I needed to clean my surroundings in order to restore my sanity. The beast still haunted me for a while, creating the largest and most profound wounds on my body. I guess it felt exasperated, frustrated by the lack of chaos, and had decided to beat me for it. It has now been five and a half months since I last self-harmed; I’m looking into studying journalism and focusing on my passion for writing rather than suffocating in toxicity. This is my accomplishment, my pride, my triumph: not indulging in tendencies that bring me nothing but suffering and shame.

#writing #female writers #personal essay #selfharm #healing #mental health #writers on tumblr

[scribir]

Self Care for NSFW Artists - A Letter to Myself

As the title suggests, I’m writing this mostly for myself hence the term nsfw, but anyone can use this I suppose. It’s just some real life tips that I’ve learned through experience and wanted to write down. Maybe it can help someone.

Let’s go...

1- Get up! It is important to not be by your desk hunched over writing or drawing for extended periods of time. Not only is it unhealthy to be sedentary for that long, it is important for the mind that you walk away from your work and maybe get a little exercise by taking a walk or going for something to eat or drink.

2- Feed and hydrate yo’ body! This point ties in with the first as artists (whether you write, craft or draw) tend to restrict themselves to their work for hours. Personally, I am very guilty of this as I can sit at my desk working for up to 18 (or more) hours, moving only when it’s absolutely necessary, only to return promptly to continue working. Food and water is forgotten and at times, many hours later, I’d realize that I didn’t even have breakfast only when a gnawing hunger threatens to kill me or my heart is racing because it was a hot day and I didn’t drink any water.

3- Eat a balanced diet! So I did say that you should feed and hydrate your body, but I know you *points dramatically* you’ll choose the fastest option which most likely would be fast food for quick calories. But remember!!! Man cannot live by fast food and NSFW Art alone! You need calories from a range of diverse foods, including meat / meat substitute protein, vegetables and some fat and fiber.

Take a multivitamin too if you’re into that. Drink clean fresh water. Eat an assortment of fruits and vegetables everyday (local so it would be cheaper). Prepare your own meals to save money and give yourself healthier options. And if you don’t have the time to prepare meals everyday, do the preparation in advance on a day when you can spare some extra time. What I do is buy sandwich bags and prepare my breakfast, depending on what it is, in advance for the entire week or month. Lunches too I make in advance.

When you make your own meals, you know exactly what’s going into your body and can avoid all the nasties (processed stuff and artificial flavorings) that can be hiding in bought meals. But if you know a local company that makes packaged foods that are healthy, then go right ahead!

Remember that eating a balanced diet that includes a sufficient amount of pesticide-free fruits and vegetables is important to keep your body strong and healthy enough so that you can keep making content.

4- Wear your damn eyeglasses (if you use those)! Personally I suck at this *puts on glasses quickly then continues to type* I would be at the computer writing / drawing for hours and remember only when my eyes start hurting :/ Don’t do that.

5- Clean your damn glasses!! Another thing I’m very guilty of. Eye glasses tend to pick up all sorts of bacteria / other microbes when you rest them down or even by simply touching them. Then you put them on your face. See what I’m talking about?? Acne party.

6- Practise Self care / Have a Self-care Ritual! Eh, so this is something I believe that a lot of people fail at. Move away from the computer / desk and go wash your face, brush + floss your teeth! Take a bath / shower daily. Try to also exfoliate your face and body routinely. Shave / trim too if you’re into that, wash your hair when it’s dirty, moisturize it and keep it up and away from your face while you’re working. This not only makes working on your projects easier but helps prevent acne from dirty hair and keeps your scalp healthy.

If you can, (these tips are for whatever your gender id is), don’t go to sleep without a night cream that’s suitable for your skin type. Wear sunscreen. Keep your hair wrapped with a silk / satin scarf whenever you lie down to avoid split ends, dryness and breakage, wash your pillowcases regularly and use a silk / satin tie when putting your hair up. Also, get a routine trim to manage split ends and hair length. Oh and most importantly, use moisturizers, shower products and treatments FOR YOUR SKIN TYPE. You won’t believe the difference that makes.

Self care also involves mental health and that’s very critical for artists and everyone tbh. Remember to follow any protocol given to you by your healthcare provider and not to neglect it because you were busy cREatiNG ConTEnt *I’m looking at you* Get enough sleep, eat healthy, rest whenever necessary and try to include some meditation and light exercise in the form of yoga / walking/ stretching / pilates. All this is good for the mind. I can go on and on about self care but let’s stop here please.

7- Clean Your Room! Meh. I hate this one the most because I hate folding laundry, especially when I want to do something creative, but sometimes you just need to stop working and do it. Get up and do your chores. Doing them regularly, means  that your general environment where you work will always be healthy for your mind, body and spirit and will be conducive to you formulating plots for your art and writing projects! Please leave the vision of the artist (this includes writers) in a dark, dusty room piled high with books, dirty + clean unsorted laundry behind T_T

8- Socialize! EHHHHH....NANI?! Ugh I hate this, but socializing is important for your physical and mental health. I’m an introvert by nature (shoutout to my fellow introverts) and sometimes go to extreme lengths to avoid people but socializing doesn’t mean that you have to go to a big party (an introvert’s nightmare) but simply remembering to respond to your social messages, calling a friend or even taking your mom and or dad out / going to visit them can work.

I hate to admit it but human connection is important (unless you’re a hermit on a mountain or a misanthrope). And look at it this way...interacting with real people is important for your craft! You can read books, look at videos / tutorials to learn about human interaction, but nothing replaces the story a friend would tell you about their day while drunk at 2am or the hot date they had last night, a genuine smile from a loved one, a quirky laugh or the natural movement of people who are unaware that they’re being observed - all things that can help to spark ideas that you can use for the characters in your writing and art. By hanging out with real people and seeing how they move and talk, you tend to create more genuine, believable characters that the people who use your content can identify with.

I should say too that you don’t have to interact with people directly all the time but you can just sit in a coffee shop, walk around the city, sit in the library or travel on the bus (or other public transportation). Just listen and watch and you will be privy to all sorts of gems from real people with real lives, victories and problems that can be used for character study.

9- DON’T Take Yourself Too Seriously! / Stop doubting your talent! Okay, so this one is a work in progress for a lot of people. Feelings of insecurity when it comes to your craft can attack at anytime. You’re steadily progressing but then you look at other people’s work and think that you’re absolute crap. You think their prose and exposition is great, that their art / writing style is awesome and that you’d never be as good as they are within your lifetime because you don’t have as many kudos, favorites, bookmarks or likes / reblogs as they do.

I have one piece of advice for this problem and that’s to MIND YO’ DAMN BUSINESS. This may sound harsh but it’s critical for survival in the creative world. When you’re busy feeling shitty and insecure about someone else’s work, they’re busy practising hard and getting better while you’re busy hampering your own progress. Look at their work, admire it, send that fellow artist a like / comment then give a reblog and let awesome work of art MOTIVATE you to keep working hard on your craft. You can only get better through practice and and you’re only wasting time by doubting yourself / feeling insecure / feeling jealous because of other’s progress.

I should also say that you may see someone’s wonderful writing or art but you don’t know how many hours and effort they may be putting into their craft. Talent is a wonderful thing to have, but it is a tool that needs to be sharpened every single day. A lot of people don’t like to admit it, but getting to expert level with anything takes an insane amount of practice. When you’re sleeping, you have no idea what those talented people are doing in order to get better. You don’t see the moments where they’re falling asleep on themselves while they’re writing / drawing, you don’t see the amount of horrible drafts they churned out before they got “good” and you have no idea that they too feel like they still need to improve as they continue to work hard.

So be grateful for all the kudos, likes, reblogs or favorites you get but don’t let that define you. Keep moving forward. Keep grinding. I believe in you.

10- Make time for Reflection! This may seem biased (because...introvert...), but time spent alone is important. Sure, you spend a lot of time alone writing, drawing, creating, but how much of that time is truly alone and without you doing work?? I personally believe that sometimes one needs to just go off to a quiet place to just think. Thinking about life, sorting the past, the present and the future helps to condition and exercise the mind. And a healthy mind makes for a good, capable artist that doesn’t become consumed and destroyed by their craft.

In this respect, I should also say that having Affirmations and doing Meditation is very important. Personally, I have a pinterest board that I use for that purpose and also a book with meditative quotes, passages etc that I try to read every morning.

11- Make time for Recreation: Whether it is watching your favorite movie, playing a game, watching anime, reading a book or  comic, playing a board game or hanging out with friends, make sure to schedule recreational activities that take you away from your desk and work these into your routine. This, like Reflection, will help to keep your mind conditioned and also get you out of artist’s block. It also helps to generate ideas since personally I find that a good movie, action scene or well-crafted plot sends my mind into overdrive and I end up going back to write lol.

12- Organization! Having things organized, whether irl or just your WIPs (through journaling, properly saving / titling files etc) will keep you sane and save time. Believe me!

13 - Support Network! This is self explanatory but having at least one person who is genuine about liking your work and who is like your personal cheerleader is critical. Also, being your own cheer team is important! Don’t depend too heavily on others; love yourself and your work!

14 - Negative Environments: I can go on an on about this as well, but yeah...being in a toxic situation whether it is at home, school, the workplace, a relationship or even one of your own creation is very very bad for your mental health and if it’s bad for your mental health it is bad for your art. Personally, negative situations help push me forward with my writing as I create a lot of vent stuff as a result but over time it is not healthy. It can mess with your head.

Do whatever you can to get out of your situation or if you can’t, then lay the foundations (saving money etc) to get out eventually. And while you’re unable to get out, remember to practise all the tips I mentioned before. Also, talk to a professional or even someone you can trust.

I think I’ll stop here as this post is getting quite long ^^; Anyways, I hope that my blabbering has managed to help someone as I was somehow unconsciously motivated to write and post this. If anyone wants to add anything, please do!

#writer positivity #writer problems #daily reminder #important. #MY POSTTT

[all-the-fandoms-stuff-blog]

Forgotten Winchester Sister

PART ONE

Paring:WinchesterxSister!reader  Maybe JackxReader

Warining: violence 

AO: This is going to be a series so enjoy!

I grew up with a family in Ohio. My Mother’s Name was Kathrin and my Father’s Name Chris. I lived a Pretty normal live. School, Teenager Problems etc. The only normal thing was that my family tortured me.  I turned 18 last week and it was then when I discovered that my life has been a lie. Kathrin and Chris weren’t my Parents. And Andrews wasn’t my last name. The only thing that was true was my name. Y/N. But everything else has been a lie. I Remember Piece’s Words and faces. But the first thing I remembered was my last name. Winchester.

I asked my “Parents” about this. But they started screaming at me and said that I would be insane.  That I am theirs. So I Started searching on the Internet, After I hacked the Police department I found a file with the name Winchester on it. Sam and Dean. When I read these names a memory came back. Words. “Y/N  everything is going to be ok” I Looked at the photos. I had tears in the eyes when I read below the names DEAD. This can’t be true. I spent all day reading the file. It was pretty big And confusing. They say that they killed Dean like 3 Times. I wrote down important facts about them until my Mother came in my room and started screaming at me.  She took my Computer and Locked my door from outside. No way I would stay longer here in hell. I looked at the little book with Notes on them and started Packing my stuff. I found an address where they had been seen.  Somewhere in Lebanon, Kansas. I took my Money from the mini job I had, it wasn’t much but enough. I opened my window and looked back one more time. I wrote a letter to my Parents and explained everything. I saw a few Photos On the wall and decided to bring them along then I started climbing out the window.  I was on the rooftop and looked if anybody would see me. When I saw no one I jump in the Neighbor’s garden and ran off.

I found a Bus station and bought me a Ticket. The bus drive was long but I heard music with my MP3 Player. When  I arrived in Kansas  I immediately bought me a Map. I couldn’t use Google maps because I knew my Parents would track me down with the GPS. So when I had the Map I took another bus And then I was standing where the Brothers had been seen last. It was a fast food restaurant called Cole’s.  The street down was a Motel so I decided to first rent a Room and then to go to Cole’s. I got a Little room with a bed. It was good enough. I searched for a Jacked and then I went outside. The sunset was Beautiful. When I arrived at Cole’s again it was almost full. I found a free Spot and after a while a women came to me. “What can I do for you?” I looked at the Card “Ehm, can I Have number 5 Please?” She nodded “Something to drink?” “Water please” With that she went in the Kitchen. I Looked around but I saw nor Dean or Sam. I took out the Book with the Notes and read it. “Here is your order” I smiled at her “Thank you”. My stomach growls and I started to eat. What when I would find them? What would I do. What should I do when they didn’t want to see me?. While I was eating so many Questions went through my head. I started writing down the memory’s I had. And when I looked at the clock it was almost midnight. I decided to come back tomorrow morning. When I was walking down the street to my Hotel I started asking myself what would happened when I wouldn’t find them?  I entered my room and let myself fall on the Bed. It wasn’t soft it felt like stone but I have to get used to this. I quickly got in the shower that I had and went then to bed. I was exhausted. Sleep came quickly as the next morning to. I looked at my Phone 5 am. Ok I want to be at Cole’s at 6 am.  

When I was there Listening to music and looking up whenever somebody walked in I got pretty Bored. I Decided to stop listening to music but starting to draw. So I would hear when somebody walked through the door. The waiter came often to me and I ordered always something to drink so they wouldn’t toss me out. It was 11am when a man with a Trench coat came in. I looked down again and continued drawing when I overheard something “Yes number 5 with extra cheese for dean and number 9 for sam. Oh and number 7 for Jack. That’s all thanks.” I had no idea who this Jack was but he Knew Sam and Dean. I started packing my stuff and went outside Cole’s so I could follow this man. I put my Headphones in and played the Music low and I took my book out and started faking drawing. When he came out I follow him. I started making notes where he went so I would find the way back to my motel afterwards. He didn’t even look back once. When he was Walking a lonely street I began to panic a little. What if he knew I was following him and this was a trap. But then I said again I have to know. What if he really knows sam and dean. I want to know them to. To ask them so many questions.

I stood behind a tree when the man entered what seemed to be an old fabric or something like that. When he opened the door he said “Sam Dean I’m back” And closed the door behind Him. My heart stared beating fast. I wanted to go after him but I stayed behind the tree for a few minutes breathing heavily. I came out and looked around. Here was nothing expect This old Building. I walked through the Door. It was Locked. I knew how to open Locks but I was afraid that they would hear me. I decided that I would deal with that later. I took the picklock and opened the Lock. I tried to open the door slowly so it wouldn’t make any sounds. I entered and tried to close it as slowly and silent. When I turned around I saw stairs so I went them down. There was a freaking big table with some kind of a map in it. And then there was like a Hallway with tables in them and Bookshelf’s everywhere. I heard voices in another room. My heart felt like it would jump out off my chest. I walked towards The big table and looked over it. It had a map in it the whole world. I walked in the hallway with the many tables. I looked around there were some glass display cases with old stuff in it. I heard footsteps behind me and I turned Around Quickly.  There was a boy standing, he seemed to be in my age, he had brown hair and eyes. He Looked confused at me. I tried to make up an excuse for being in somebody’s home. But I couldn’t thing of any. “how did you come in?” I looked at him “Ehm through the door” He looked more confused. But then I heard more Footsteps “Hey Jack what Takes so long?” A Tall Man with long Brown hair and Green eyes came in the Hallway and Looked alarmed when he saw me. I looked at him. Sam. He Really is Freaking tall. He seemed like he wanted to say something but didn’t. Then two other people came in the Hallway “What are you idiots doing?” One was the dark haired man with the Trench coat and another had brown hair green eyes and freckles all over his Face.  He looked alarmed too first but then he looked like he panicked. He looked to Sam and then back to me. “W-Who are you?” His voice almost sounded scary like he didn’t wanted to hear the Answer. “’ Y/N. And I’m sorry for breaking in your home it’s just that I-” The dark Haired man took a step Forwards and put a hand on my forehead. “What are you doing?” He looked at me and said nothing. All this started to make me angry. I pushed his arm aside and took a step back. “Listen I’m sorry for breaking in but I just want Answers ok? And I Know I can find them here” I looked at Sam and Dean “Sam Dean Please I Need your help” When I said their names it seemed that they had lost all blood in their face’s.  “You know her?” Asked the boy and Dean whispered “Yes” I felt so happy to hear this. They could help me finding out who I am.  Sam looked at me sadness only in his eyes “Why did you come here?” I looked at him confused and with anger “Should I have stayed with my “Family”?” He nodded “You were save there Y/N!” I looked to dean who was looking down. “Save? I wasn’t save there Sam. I’M not here to talk about this. I want to Know where do I know you and why did you left me?” Dean Looked up Tears in his eyes “What?” I Looked to him “You promised me that you wouldn’t left me. This is one of the few things I remember” Dean looked hearth broken so does Sam. Sam Signed “Ok Let’s talk”.

It was Almost Day again when Sam and Dean finished their Story. When I was little dean found a nice witch and asked her to erase my memory so I would forget about the supernatural. And then they told me about Sam having demon blood in him and Dean going to Hell. Dean coming back Thanks Castiel. They told me about Michael And Lucifer the Cage and Soulless Sam And the Mark of Cain. Demon dean The Few Apocalypse, Dean told me Pround Of the One time he Killed Hitler, The angels crisis and the leviathan things  about the British man of Letters, about mum. everthing. I have to say it was Pretty hard to believe.  After the Story nobody said anything for a few minutes. I needed to progress all this. Sam Looked at me with a small smile. “How was your life Y/N?” I Looked at him “Not as Adventurous as yours.” He laugh and dean had a small smile on his face.  “My life wasn’t like you guys wanted it to be. I mean I didn’t hunt Monsters but I wasn’t save.” They looked at me with confusion and Dean said “What do you mean not save?” I Smiled sadly and Castiel who sat next to jack said “Your Back” I looked over him and then back to Sam and Dean who looked confused. “ I wanted it to be a Secret only I Know but I’m sure when I’m not going to say it castiel will. The family I stayed with was very” I searched for a word “Strict.” Castiel made a strange noise and said “They were Bad Y/N.” I looked over him “Let me finish. Well In the morning I went to school did homework there and when I came home. When I was lucky my “Parents” Weren’t there and I had some spare time. But as soon as I was home they would start to Torture me. Only on the back so when I have to go somewhere nobody would see anything.  Well it went on forever till i decided a few days ago to run away “ dean Looked Furious “They did What?!” I Looked at him with a smile “It’s Ok dean” Sam stood up “no it’s Not Y/N! Nothing about this is Ok! Why did you stayed there?!” I Laughed “Were was is supposed to go Sam? I was a child. And there were Adult they threaten my friends. I couldn’t have gone anywhere!” Castiel was About to Put his Hand on my Shoulder But I took it “Castiel I swear if you try this again I will hurt you” He looked at me “How do you know what I was about to do?” I let go off his arm and Looked at the Clock. I took my jacket and Went to the stairs. “Where are you going?”  I Looked at Dean tired “In my Motel I’m Tired” Sam shook his head “Y/N you Can live here. God this is Your home” I looked at him and put my jacket on “Thanks sam but all my stuff is there and I need time alone” I walked up the stairs until someone grabed my arm I looked sam in the eyes “Y/N let us drive you if you really want to go back” I shook my head “Sam I will walk. And if you are scared that something could happen to me. Remember I survived worse.” I opend the Door and looked back “Good night”

When I was in My room I didn’t want to think about anything I just went to the bed and slept. Sounds wake me up. I opened one eye and heard that somebody was trying to open my door. I had a Knife under my Pillow I took it and hid it under my blanket. The door opened and Sam and Dean Came in. I looked at them and put the Blanket over my head. Sam Laughed and Dean said “Wake up Sunshine” I Looked at them “Why?” They just laughed and I sighed. I got up and saw that they brought breakfast. I sat down at the little table I had in the room and Dean gave me a fruit salad. I looked down at the salad and Sam said “We weren’t sure if you still liked this but you used to love this” I had tears in the eyes and smiled at them “Yes I still love this Thank you” sam smiled and started eating. I opened the salad and was about to eat “How did you guys know I am here?” Dean looked at Sam “Well you said it Yesterday” I ate a strawberry “No I didn’t” Sam Took out his computer and showed me how he tracked me down. I nodded and continued eating. Sam was confused “You’re ok with this?” I nodded “I would have track you guys down too if I had my laptop with me but I left it in Ohio” Sam smiled “You couldn’t have find us” I Looked at him and took his Computer. I hacked the Police Again and showed Sam and dean their Files “This Is How I came here and If I had my laptop here I would have done this-“ I opened Street cameras around here and showed them sam and dean “I would have looked if I saw you and tracked you down” I Ate a banana. Sam and dean exchange a look. Sam looked at me Smiling “You really are a Winchester” I smiled still eating.  I Looked to Dean “So what’s the Plan?” Dean Looked at me “What do you want?”  I finished my Salad and took  fries from Dean’s burger and same looked at Me like I had gone Crazy. “I want to Be with my Family if that’s ok for you guys” Sam smiled “Yes!” Dean Looked at me “But you’re going to stay out of Trouble!” I Looked at him “If it Possible ok. But I want to Help with the Hunting Stuff!” Dean gave sam a look “see I knew this would happen” Sam smiled “You can’t keep a Winchester from Hunting” Dean Signed “Ok I knew this Would happened. And I know that if I forbid you to go Hunt you would still do it without us so.” He gave me a Newspaper and showed me an Article “Married Pair died in their Home. No one broke in and the Police didn’t found any Clues.” I read Loud. Dean Had a Stupid Smirk on his face and nodded. “Ghosts?” I asked and he Looked Proud. Sam Laughed “Normally We would give you and FBI Card or something like this But you are 18 So we did this. He gave ma A Card “FBI Trainee?”  Dean Smirked “It was My idea” Sam gave him an annoying look “Really Dean?” Dean Just Smiled. “Ok Y/N Let’s go Hunt some Ghosts”  

Dean was Driving And Sam Sat next to him Searching something with his Phone he gave me the Laptop and Let me Do researches. I Looked up when Dean put an cassette “Dean no” Sam Looked to his Brother “Sam Driver Picks the Music Shotgun shuts his Cakehole” I Giggled.  Then Highway to Hell Started Playing and I sang along. Sam Turned around and looked at me like I Betrayed him. Dean laughed “See Sammy A True Winchester” I Continued researching and Singing.

“Hello Miss I’m agent Ferro and this is my partner Wellock, and our Trainee vione. Can we ask you a few Questions” The Sister from the Victim nodded . “I said everything I know the Police” Sam Nodded “We know miss but we Have to do it again” I Listened to what Dean and Sam said. Sam Gave me a look and I asked the Women “I’m Sorry can I use The Bathroom?” The women nodded “Yes sure, Down the Floor last door right” I nodded and went to the Floor and took the EMF out. I went down the Floor and The EMF Played like crazy. “Go Away!” I turned around but no one was here. I turned back to Dean and Sam. Sam Stood up “Thank you Miss”

 “What did you find?” I Looked to Dean who sat in the Driver seat “There is Definitely a Ghost in the house. I even heard someone saying ‘Go Away’ I Found an Article in the Internet That a Girl Named Ehm Claudia Housten. Her Mum ,Sarah,  is still Alive and Lives not far away” Sam smiled Proudly “Good Job Y/N” I Smiled “Thank you I Had The Best Teachers”.

“Why does the FBI want to know about Claudia?”  Sam was about to say something but I interrupted him. “ The FBI goes over some old cases this is one of them”  Dean smiled “Yes what she said”. Sarah Gave us a cup of tee and sat down “I still can’t get Over her Death,  I Knew that Claudia’s Boyfriend Mark was Not good for her but she Loved him. One Night I worked till late in the day and when I came back” She had tears in her eyes. I took her hand “It’s alright” She nodded “I found her Cut in Pieces. We had to burn her body. The Police never found The Killer.” Sam and Dean asked a few other questions and then we went back to the car. “So what now. They burned her body” Sam nodded “Maybe there’s Something in the House” I Looked at my Phone “I think we have to Find Her Ex-Boyfriend maybe he Knows more. But Can we get something to eat first?”

I Ordered a Burger With Dean and Sam a Salad. Sam was looking where This Mark lives. I looked at Dean “Hey you said that Jack is a Nephilim right?” Dean nodded Sam looked up “Why?” I shrug “Just curious” I looked at my Phone 4 Missing Calls from Steve. I choose to Ignore it, I started a new Life. After that we went to Mark his apartment. He told us about Claudia that he loved her even when everybody said that he wouldn’t.  He didn’t went out with somebody else in all this time because he loved her so much. “I Just Miss her so much” he said while tears were running down his cheeks. He couldn’t help us, He said the same things as Claudia’s mother. So after that I laid in the back seats of the Impala and tried to think about Claudia. I was pretty sure that Claudia wasn’t the one saying that I should go away. The Voice sounded like I little boys Voice. “Watcha thinking Sunshine?”  I looked out of the window “she wasn’t the only one Dean.” Opened the door to have a better look at me “You mean the Voice you  heard?” I nodded “He sounded Like he was scared for me. Like if I stayed at this house any Longer something would happen to me” I frowned “I Know what happened!” I sat up and Sam Opened the Other door. “What?” I opened The laptop and showed them a foto from Claudia’s Family. “It’s Not the House! Well yes But wait a second. Claudia’s family Fought to get to life in this house another Family wanted the House but Claudia got it. The family’s name was Metthew I Think, Well they went to the House with their young son end he Died there. I think the family got revenge with killing Claudia.” Sam took the computer and Looked for something “If that’s true why is Claudia and tis boy still in the House?” Dean Closed the door and went to sit on the Drivers seat “Let’s Go back to the House and find out why she’s still there”

Claudias sister wasn’t home so Sam opened the door. Sam gave me a gun but I shook my head “Im better with Knives” Dean looked to me “Normal Knives can’t Hurt Them!” I Nodded “my Knives Aren’t Normal”.  Sam went upstairs and dean and I stayed downstairs looking for something. “Why are You her! Go Away!” I turned around and saw a Little boy whose Left arm was missing. “I’m Here to help you please” He Started to cry “Go away” I took one Step closer “You don’t want to Hurt anybody. So let me help you” Dean Came in the room and Looked at me and the Boy. The Boy still looked at me “Please…. Help us” fell down on his Knees and Cried. I Looked to Dean “We will Help you. Say What Happened to you?” He looked up “She won’t let us leave she-“ We heard sam Screaming Dean Looked at me and I nodded he went upstairs. “She’s here” I looked to the Boy “Who is She?” He shook his Head and disappeared. “Fuck” I said while running up the stairs. I saw dean and Sam Laying on The Ground and A women With Blond Hair and Brown eyes. She looked at me and Laughed. She Lifted her Arm and I Couldn’t move anymore “Y/N” Sam said. The women came Walking to Me Till her hand was around my throat. “I Think someone Like you Would be nice to have” I looked behind her were I saw So many children. They all looked scared and sad. “You gonna let her control you Forever?” I asked and the Children Looked at me Confused “you are stronger than her, She isn’t going to stop” The women Laughed “They aren’t strong” I Looked at her “We all are” With this I Stabbed her with my Knife. She looked at me Confused and let me down. I saw Sam pointing his gun at her and shooting all his bullets. The women saw to the Children “Kill them!” The boy looked at me And walked towards the women only To hurt her. The other Children Followed soon and The women screamed in pain until everything disappeared. I looked down. Dean put his hand on my shoulder “Good job” I Looked up and nodded.

After The Hunt we went eating Something Sam looked at me Scared to ask his question “Are you Coming Home?” The Two of them Looked at me scared of what I will say. “Tomorrow I will come home ok?” They had the Biggest smiles on their faces. After that they Drove me to my Motel. “Im gonna call you tomorrow so you two can help me with my stuff”.

I Heard sounds and I wake up again. It was in the middle of the Night. Someone was Trying to open my door. I went to the door “Sam If you want to come in you-“ My body froze when I saw Steve. “Who’s this Sam Guy Hm?” He pushed me In the room and Closed the door behind him. I still couldn’t move. “What’s up Babygirl? Did you thought I wouldn’t find you?” I walked slowly to the Bed where my knife was.  He Came to me and touched my Wrist “Ahh How I’ve missed This” I Had only A long sized T-Shirt on. I Punched him in the face and Took the Knife and my Phone. “Fuck you Bitch!” When he saw I was calling someone He took out a gun and and pointed it at me. “Put the Phone down!” I tried to think of a way out but there was none. “Hmm Y/N What’s up Why did you call At 2:30 in the Morning” I heard Deans sleepy voice over the Phone. “Y/N?” Steve Looked at me “Put the Fucking Phone Down!”  I looked at him and he shot next to me in the Wall. I dropped the Phone and he smiled “Good Girl now kick it over here” I could hear how dean screamed at the Phone but I Kicked it over to him “Good Girl see this is how I like it” He looked at the phone and hung up. He came Closer “Now Drop the Knife. We don’t want to hurt Anybody”------

To be Continued 

#dean winchester #sam winchester #Castiel Jack WinchesterXSister!Reader Winchester Sister Winchesters #mary winchester #WinchesterxSister!Reader #Winchestersiter #Wichesters #Family #impala #supernatural #' #Supernaturalfandom

[optimisticcritique]

Gotham 4x14 - Review 

Is this technically a review? Sometimes I wonder if I should call this “highlights” or “reactions” instead but I do share opinions and recap the ending so...kind of a review? I’ll stick with review I suppose. 

Wait, why are you burning the mask? Did the hallucination mean nothing to you?!

I know it is supposed to be a bit revolting but the way that guy is eating that pickle makes me want one.

You know, if you had chewed quietly with your mouth closed, she might have let you live. #tablemannerscansavelives

"It's all about family" says the person that hired people to murder her father... 

"Never said it was a happy family" relatable, unfortunately.

I don't blame Alfred for refusing. Bruce, you suck at apologies. Try actually saying the word “sorry” next time. 

At least Alfred is giving him the chance to show him that he changed. 

I was wondering why Ed hasn’t tried any pills by now. Dude, that cannot be safe. I hope you know what you are taking.

"cuckoo pills" lol just the way he says it.

"Who's it from?" That smug expression as he pretends to be oblivious. 

Whoa whoa whoa *pauses to look at the letter and holds up giant magnifying glass* If there is a clue in here... I have no idea what it is. That being said, this letter of apology is amazing. I hope Oswald actually means it and doesn’t say “haha just kidding. I only sent it so you would find the clue and break me out” later.

"I think that's a nice letter" Okay, this made me laugh too much. I love you, you conniving piece of-wow, now I can’t get the riddler playing match maker out of my head. 

The Riddler:  "It's a nice letter...you should hear him out...possibly rescue him since you will already be there...cause some murder together while you are at it....maybe grab some dinner afterward...." 

I just picture him pushing even further, “Remember the good times you shared? Nursing him back to health, murdering mister Leonard, being his chief of staff, hallucinating him singing to you seductively...” “I was not-those were-UGH”

"I'm never going to forgive him" never say never Ed. You are destined villain soul mates apparently.

 "What has eyes but can't see?"  I think you are having way too much fun. Also, I don't know the exact answer but I am betting it has to do with not seeing the bigger picture with the letter or the origami penguin message.

Jim, you totally interrupted Lucius. He was on a role! I know you are worried about your boyfriend Harvey being dead with plants bursting from his body but let's look at priorities here. Harvey has decent sized plot armor and Foxy probably won't get much screen time in this episode, let him finish a sentence.       

"Too late" "No, we're not" He knows him so well. He just looks dead. It's how he sleeps. 

Speaking of which, look at how sprawled he is on that couch....when there is a bed inches away from him. Like, honestly, I know he is probably hung over/drunk but that's not a bad way to sleep. 

Harvey: *sees a squad of police that burst into the apartment* *thinks about what is most important* "Hey, someone's paying for that door!" 

"You can't put this on me!" "I'm not putting it on you!" Oh, grade A bickering right there... 

I guess you aren't a real villain until you end up on TV. How do the villains end up with this kind of connection? 

"...once I find my pants" At least you noticed before you started walking down the street. That's progress. 

The Narrows stealth squad is on the case!

"A complete set of encyclopedias...minus the T" *silence* "plus twenty bucks"  *cheers and runs out* 

Lol Ed. Yeah, don't blame them. Let's face it though, the main reason they weren't excited was because the T was gone. If it isn't complete, what is the point? 

I have so many thoughts from this short scene. 

First...what happened to the T? Was it stolen? Who stole it? Why did they want it?  

Second... Pretty certain the reason he chose encyclopedias was because that is what HE loved and wanted as a kid. That was little Eddie's dream right there. Ugh give us more on Ed’s childhood already!

Third... Ed does well with kids! I want an Ed/Martin scene. I want him to give him encyclopedias, teach him riddles, play video games together, etc. as Oswald wears matching outfits with Martin and teaches Martin how to murder. Give it to me, Gotham!

"You couldn't even stop her from hypnotizing your own cops" fair point. Selina would have better luck. 

Yes! I am so happy to see Selina say she is her friend. I love when the show focuses on these relationships and does not forget them.

Should have noticed something was fishy when Harvey actually did call, saying he got a lead. You know he would try to do this on his own.

Hit him Jim! Hit him like you did Lucius! ...Does Harvey have any hidden fighting/defense skills that we know nothing about too? 

"Cognitive impairment. Definite check. Though, to be fair, how would you know?" The super extra hand gestures are always a delight. 

Scenes like these make me laugh more than it should. It's like Ed doesn't need anyone else to make fun of him or insult his intelligence. He already has this covered....actually... this is also quite sad. As it is basically him belittling and making fun of himself...wow, I just totally ruined the moment for myself. 

"The only way to get rid of me is to kill yourself" Oh no...no...I thought this might come up as a possibility but I just assumed the show wouldn't go down this way. Such angst...I mean, I like the angst and it makes sense but...it is so real. 

I am kind of surprised that the "you shot my father" revenge decided to come into play now and not sooner. I guess she is more powerful and ruthless now but she had somewhat perfume power last season. 

"I'm sure whatever happened was your fault" Well, she isn't wrong.   

"So technically, your ex has been sleeping with your dead husband's mafia sister" lol well, when you put it like that, Ed... And this is what people who are not watching the show are missing. 

Imagine if Ed actually did tell Lee what has been happening, his issues and all. Would it make things better? Worse? He should really talk to someone about his problems before going suicidal.

I never noticed how great Harvey's hair was...he wears the hat so much that I forget he has hair under there, let alone how long it is.

"I've only got myself to blame" ...okay, Jim. This is the part where you say, "No, don't blame yourself. I screwed up too." Harvey did make some bad choices but you shouldn't let him take ALL the blame, even if you think it is true.  

"He's been everything to me...a teacher, a protector, he's been a father to me" That’s pretty ambiguous. Who are you talking about? Alfred? Jim? Your pet bird? I mean, he said he hoped he would give him another chance but didn't actually name names...

Crowd: "Yeah...but what about the foundation? What does this man taking care of you have to do with money? Where did the money go?"

 Come on, Bruce! Don't give up so easily. You are supposed to be more stubborn than this. 

This got dark fast. I know he won't kill himself but man...

He's going to try to get him to go to arkham so he can meet Ozzie, isn't he?  

Those flowers are rather lovely...although, I would prefer ones that didn't cause mass murder as they grow within the bodies of those that breath them, thanks. 

Yeah, you get them, Bruce! "This is who you are." Yes, thank you Alfred. Embrace it, Bruce. Embrace it! Honestly, it wasn’t that long ago when Alfred told him not to do stuff like this. Time really flies. 

Geez Jim, why can’t you be more careful when you shoot guns. 

If only he knew who he was chasing. Maybe he would use his time so much better if he was looking for Ivy instead. 

Get used to the disappearing, Jim.

It seems Bruce isn't the only one that will wait and creep in the darkness to get a drop on you. 

"Well, Selina Kyle turns out to be the hero" "I'm no hero" Maybe not but you are not as bad when compared to most criminals in the city. 

"I wasn't running. I was getting this. "  Thinking with her smarts there.

Selina, you are doing great. This is the stuff I love to see. 

Well, at least she got through to her enough to not murder her or turn her into a human plant incubator. Progress. 

Imagine if Ed was there with Lee. Wonder if they would have tried to shoot him dead too... 

What is with Gotham and their hand fetish?

You know, I have seen hands get cut off and stabbed every which way in this show but the hammer...the hammer is the one that gave me sympathy pains and had me cringing. Poor Lee, it sounded painful. 

Oh, Sofia, you are going to wish you didn't do that. You would have been better off if you had Lee as an ally. 

"Arkham doesn't get many volunteers" Can't imagine why. 

"You do know who I am, right?" It's like a famous person trying to get into a party. Except, I don't think this is a party Ed would want to get into. 

Wow, Oswald with his tears of happiness. He looks so proud and excited that his love letter was answered. 

Why does Oswald look totally insane in this scene? How long ago did he send the letter? I mean, he was miserable but he wasn’t quite like this.

Oswald: *is all excited, proud, and emotional* “He read my letter!”  This seems like the same reaction someone would have if a famous person liked or responded to their tweet/email/fanart. 

“I’m not talking to you Ed” Dang, first Ed was the third wheel in 4x12 with Lee/Jim and now here he is again with Oswald/Riddler. 

"I'm talking to him..." wait...so he knew about the riddler being...okay, I admit, I did not see this coming. At all. 

Ed looking back like, "You can see him too?" Honestly, he seems like he assumed Oswald knew nothing about what was going on so I can see why he might think that. Imagine how weird would it be if Oswald could see him. Like, it is not plausible but it would blow fans minds. 

"I see the other you" Hmm...just last episode you said I know you and now this. I feel like this needs to be added to an analysis somewhere.

The way Oswald lets go... he's trying not to be too rough. He has made similar movements with Ed before.

Earned it? Through what? Solving your clues and willing to break you out? Even when Oswald has to say the name he still has to be this way, giving an excuse like that. 

I really want to know how much Oswald actually understands. I don’t think he realizes how serious this is for Ed but it is all very unclear on what he does know. Great...this is going to bother me for at least a week now. 

"Please....don't...." Well, this makes me sad. I don't know how to feel about this. I hate seeing ed like this. 

"I need you....” *whispers* "riddler" Wow, okay. Thanks for this. That was more tender and sexual than intended. 

The Riddler needed to be Oswald-approved with his kink before he could show up.

Then caressing his hand against his cheek...totally a normal thing to do with an ex-best friend and co-conspirator. This scene is confusing my emotions. 

Ooh those laughs. They look so happy. The Riddler is coming! ...and with the Penguin! Nygmobbleplot begins. 

This Alfred and Bruce scene is so touching.  

"I'm home" yes, you are <3 Let's face it, the mansion is better than any place you were living any way. Cheaper, better food, more space, less getting framed for murder... 

You better specify when you knew that she hired the Pyg, Jim. Don't want him to think you knew too early. 

You decided to take her down now? It really should have been when you found out that she murdered her father but better late than never I guess. 

I am curious how long Sofia will last. Granted, she has quite a few people on her side...but she also has many enemies. I can't see it ending well. Better book a vacation and get out while you still can, girl.  

Over all: I enjoyed the episode a lot. It did bring some confusion on the Ed situation but I enjoyed it nonetheless. It is just kind of sad that it seems Ed/Riddler still is not “whole” yet. That being said, I need to see more before I make too many assumptions. I am interested in where it goes and excited to see what happen next. I am also happy to see Bruce changing his ways once again and seeing reunions all around. This should be fun now that everyone is back together again. Bruce and Alfred make up, Bruce accepts that he ready to save people again. Ivy and Selina have a confrontation where Selina tries to appeal to her friend, Ivy still flees. Harvey and Jim make up, plan to take down Sofia as Jim shares the truth with Harvey. Sofia crushes Lee’s hand that sends her to the hospital, essentially takes the Narrows more under her control. Ed deals with his riddler issues and ends up visiting arkham. The riddler has returned, teams up with Penguin, and is going to break him out of arkham.   

Previous review: 4x13   Next: 4x15

#optimisticcritque gotham review #Gotham 4x14 #gotham tag #gotham #gotham reunion #this was an interesting episode #lots happened including lots of emotions #and lots of awesome reunions

[neuropathicgypsy]

More knocking today

Two different people.i figured out they were messing with the air conditioner.

The dude just here said he couldn't budge it. It was jammed stuck in there

Since Gordito was warning me that he was going to kill me, I assume he was a big strong guy cause Gordito says he was all fired up.

So the next guy down the row is all "I send the weaker guys do and i tell them if they can't do it I'll do it myself and beat them in the ass, too"

So I had 15 minutes to move the air conditioner, by myself because that's what I have to do because I'm an adult.

So this dude is all with his hidden camera on my front door and he's all "oh my God my guy said he could not move that air conditioner and it would not budge for anything and she pulled that out with one arm! One arm! Oh my God, she what she means when she says "bring it" she meant it!!!"

And he's going on and on about my one arm.

I told him "I used two, don't be so dramatic"

But I did. Yesterday my daughter and I brought the wagon full of groceries up the stairs and into the house. I was looking at the goods still in it to see what we could use as weapons... luckiest chance will be he will stop to eat.

Worst case is that I run out of Chips Ahoy cereal and there was only one box so someone has to explain that.

But this dude is all scared now.

Im a very big girl with lots fat on my ass, stomach, thighs and arms oh and my quad chin. But not so far under that is muscle.

It didn't bother me at all to pull it out

Had to move the (unwrapped) presents and Christmas tree so I could fit then I had to pull out the metal machine then the window was stuck and I only had 15 minutes and that 15 can go quick so I was pulling hard as hell to get it straight locked.

He is screaming the whole time with this little electronic gadgets at his side all "oh my God I can't believe she did that! She's all "ic can't move it hurts so bad wah wah and she does this with on hand to the air conditioner"

Genius, radio frequency ablation or not. I'm not fucking gonna sit there with some dude trying to get in the easy way no mother fucker. Hell no that's lazy as fuck. I had to break into my own house because I Locked my keys in. No. You are gonna have a more difficult time to get into my house than I do.

#gofuckyourself

This mother fucker claims to see the light after promising all his little buddies that he's gonna kill me. He's now gonna break all them promises cause for Jesus sakes.

That's cool. I won't hold it against him.

Got all my windows and doors blocked. Break it and get in and you're gonna be all fuck i just rolled into Home Alone 2020.

I am not kidding. Still waiting to make sure that dude is gone and my daughter is breaking bottles in her room. No shit. The Starbucks. thick glass bottles.

It's home alone, man.

Some dude is being paid pennies or promised by a liar as deep as him. Seriously. He balks at me just pulling out the air conditioner. The fuck?

That's nothing.

That promise that so and so is gonna get money if they kill me. It's paperwork that can be overridden by my own or the FBI's. Or jail time. You can't get money if you're hired to murder

Dude is running around with a contract that he's gonna take to a lawyer for a pay out. "Hi, I promised Jesse I would kill sabrina and I did, so where's my money Mr Lawyer?"

I mean I could tell him the lawyer is FBI but then he didn't believe I would defend myself or my daughter alone. By myself. Because that's how I handle things

So at this point. He's either not going to do it cause he's scared or he's gonna be dumb and for real expect some money

Regardless there's a beautiful paper trail. So they may let him think he's gonna get and book a flight to paradise. Actually load the plane and land in paradise for the cops to smile and take him right back on.

Imagine it. All the money you ever dreamed of in your life. Ever. You can own the world. Just kill a fat bitch that's been in bed for two years. Easy. Easy. Moneh. So easy. Mmmm..I can smell the money. Oh yeah. Ohhh rub it on my fat tummy, hide stacks in my fat roll.

Hide that shit and hold up my fat so my back don't have to carry the load and I load up in a crane to get in my private jet.

Paradise. On my way. Staring out the window so so so so happy

I'm on top the world. Nothing gonna stop my smile. A little pain. Just rub a $100 bill on it.. mmmm so so so so good.

Okay so maybe you're not fat. Read it again and add yourself in it. Maybe your dick is so hard you need help to make it look more like "BoxErs' or you're all mmm new titties, stack some money up there and see what I look like STACKED as fuck!!!!

(I seriously got yelled at cause I was for real in the zone. And laughed at. It's ok)

I think you get the picture.

It doesn't matter how much pain I have. The emotional and mental pain will last so much longer than a little back pain added to my already pain. I have alot of pain all the time. I can block it out but it takes alot of energy

Let's #science for a minute. Adrenaline knocks out all pain. You hear all the time people getting shot and not knowing till they see the blood cause they're all amped up.

So to decide to hurt someone who is already in pain #science the person knows what pain is and is in pain constantly so it doesn't matter how much pain someone causes them. Because for them it's nothing.

Let's do a mini study:

You take someone with years of pain

And someone that works out alot so they have some stretchy pain. Sore muscles etc. I get tinnitus like a bitch in both elbows and wrists cause I go all crazy like straight from bed to carrying air conditioners. (That is what happened) but most people that work out regularly have very little pain.

So high pain tolerance vs average pain tolerance

Same as a Snoop Dogg Weed Smoker vs a first timer smoker.

Same as a hot dog eating champion vs someone constantly on a diet.

Same as an alcoholic vs someone never drank but a few sips when they daddy's back turned (in my case my mom's)

So. Seriously. I have a very high pain tolerance

And unfortunately for some (possibly) i did have successful radio frequency ablation. So I'm doing amazing things like standing for 5 whole entire minutes. Yesterday we carried up the wagon full of groceries. Not a shallow Radio Flyer. A deep one. Very deep. I was on the bottom so I had to balance and lift. It was difficult.

Then we reached the top. I couldn't get to the door so I handed my daughter the key. She was messing around laughing all "I tried to use the car key" I had to stop my mouth. It was crazy. I was about to tell her, (because I've been telling her the truth about my pain and so I try to explain to her what's going on so she understands that sometimes I'm not socially normal. And it is okay to be all I have pain. It's not a weakness. Of course tell a hired hit man, that and you gotta haul out an air conditioner which he still insits was with one hand) so my hips you know... I had to settle my body square but realized I was okay and could stand without pain.

Like for real. It was so awesome. I didn't have nay back pain. I felt great. I was gonna tell her "hurry up, my back hurts" but I didn't have to. I didn't need to. Because I had no pain.

Sure I need my pelvis and my neck done but so what. It's actually better in my neck... or was... yesterday wasn't so kind to it.

What was cool was the FBI was surprised and amazed. I'm gonna cry. Because they have been such a huge support for me. My doctor checking on me constantly answering the lamest and most unintelligent questions over and over. He's so kind. The FBI asks questions about the pain I had from the procedures. Asking how to avoid things and how to do others and making sure that I would be pain free. It's amazing. I'm so so lucky they referred me there and I got treatment. It has been a very long process taking 3 months but finally we finished and I'm so lucky

My pain started suddenly. Out of the blue. And just got worse and worse. My regular doctor wouldn't give me stronger pain medication and wouldn't help me. So the FBI did. They would tell me about other people that got it done to help me understand and feel better. It hurt. Alot. Alot alot alot. But they were always there just making sure I was okay. Making sure I wouldn't have problems and my doctor, he would do it on his own because he's awesome but the FBI just dragging him along, what's this and what's that and she feels this and that is that normal? We're lucky he didn't get a restraining order! They sent other guys and girls in the FBI to be treated by my doctor so they knew what was normal in the office and they could see what happens. Of course they double, triple and annoyingly checked. Just for me. I help alot of people.

And today I had 2 different guys try to kill me and the third on the fence. So as you can imagine add in Denise and all the others i complain about, it's quite overwhelming of negativity. Mental and emotional strain and pain. And a heart condition causes physical problems as well.

So I'm not gonna say i couldn't handle it on my own because I made the decision to try it, full throttle all the way. Even if I had to lie --- which I didnt. Thank god it worked. The first day I had pain in my side. I studied it and memorized it to the point I was severely anti social. And after despite insane pain from needles and lidocaine injections and my back already being swollen clear across my entire upper ass region. The pain I studied was gone. I knew for a fact.

But I decided if I had to, I would lie. Because I didn't have a choice. I couldn't walk just to the bathroom sometimes. I can't have back surgery. I'm a mean bitch (they say I just say I'm aomtim bitch but whatever) and I can stand up to billionaires and people trying to kill me, swat teams, guns in front of idiot ass holes, kidnappers. All sorts of the craziest shit that sometimes doesn't even seem real. But I'm scared to death of back surgery. I've heard so many times it doesn't work and just makes shit worse. It's like chemo. Two things I never want to do and may elect not to, even if my life will be over sooner.

I suppose if I got in a fight with some dude trying to kill me, I would end up with needing it. But that's like an award. A battle scar. It's different. It's all yeah I kicked his ass and saved mine. It sounds so fucking awesome to me. It's uplifting because I survived but yeah of course I had to work really really super hard at it because I hurt myself to the point of surgery. So it's like a feeling. God says he's sorry and so he's gonna not let me suffer anymore and allow the surgery to be 100% successful.

I mean at that point. Maybe I need some metal in my back, to deflect bullets and be all bulletproof.

So yeah. I'm not a liar. That's the point. I don't have to lie.

Sometimes being late for work or taking my daughter to work I'll think of all these fantastic lies that I could say to make my being late super important. By the end, i get there and I'm all "Man we were fucking asleep" not fucking tho. Just sleeping. Truth sounds human. Normal. We all fuck up. Sometimes more than enough nut we do and it's better to tell the truth that you were sleeping than to try to keep all your lies straight. Because when your boss wants to fire you and looks at your file and you're all "I over slept so I was an hour late" "I had a hangover and I killed my alarm and didn't know what it was" they're gonna be all... on one hand they're always late on the other hand they're completely honest

So I just tell the truth. What? I fuck up. Punish me if you want but I'm real. I'm a real human being. And I'm not gonna lie to you.

Honesty is so important. My mother is a master we manipulator and brain washer. So fuck it. Be honest

Then you'll have an idiot marvel at how you can move an air conditioner in less than ten seconds that a weight lifter couldn't. I don't have a reason to lie. I don't like lying. I don't mind tricks so much. Like implying I had Matt's baby when really it was my cousin's and it was a girl not a boy. Or implying I was at Matt's hide away house when really i was at my aunt's. Those are different. Sometimes you have ro test the waters. And I Never said a lie. I allowed you to lead yourself to believe something you wanted to believe or not believe if you think I can be yours. And you wanted to have an anger fit. Or be happy for me.

You know, honestly in was wishing. I was wishing that it was true so there was a deep make believe in the story. But it was all make believe which just now that term just totally made a different sense to me. Make believe = believing something someone made you think. I always thought make believe was imagination. Not some twisted Hitler Denise shit. But yeah. That's all Denise. It's horrible. Like finding out a sing along song is about the plague.

I've had a rather shocking day and so has my hit man so I'll be quiet for awhile. See if I can get my dropped jaw to stop letting all the humidity out my mouth.

So Mr Hitman, Reporter fool. If you get bored think about how you will defend yourself against an air conditioner being used as a weapon.... on your drive done to see me.

Or just put yourself to bed. All your friends are in jail. I don't think they will mind that you weaked out and broke your promises to them.

Of course you would probably need to hide from them when they find you chickened out. So then you would need paradise money. But then the FBI is just gonna arrest you if you do or if you dont.

The FBI thinks you should turn yourself in.

I'm not licensed to do this so let's entertain ourselves for a moment before I go:

The Hitman is an adrenaline junkie, he thinks he's strongest and wisest and must send the weaker out before him. And it's true, he did.

Yet he believes what he wants to, mostly lies he tells himself. Like I'm a liar. He's gonna get paid. There's no FBI protecting me.

If I was him and really believe myself but saw the light but still wanted freedom. Personally I would run. No GPS. In woods. Swamps, water. Making myself as cold as possible so the heat lamps wouldn't find me. But I'm a loner and kinda crazy.

So this guy will probably go hide out at a friend's house and then get their house raided so then he has even more enemies.

The FBI tells me he has no way out and he should turn himself in.

So that or go Rambo.

I guess go to the Casino, try that fantasy on the plane trick, if you can win.

I guess also, if it were me. I would go all out. Night on the town like you wouldn't believe. Remember when you get arrested that's the shit you leave jail in. If you get that opportunity. So definitely arrest me in heels and the most sparkled soft beautiful dress you can imagine. So when I finally get out. I look like a Million bucks. So that my outside space resembles my inside space. That final freedom.

Then pick up where I left off that night I got arrested. Out. Drinking. Smoking. Fucking. Whatever i want as my last harrauh.

If you turn yourself in then you still can dress it up. Maybe something a little tight you haven't worn on awhile cause you plan to do them push ups all kinds while in the pen. So when you get out its it's a double celebration.

Anyways. That's me. Either I'm all Rambo style in the mud in the dead of winter or I'm in a ball gown. It's so difficult to decide.

Ball gown is so much calmer. Plus after getting out Rambo clothes are gonna be dirty. They don't let you wash them before you go home. So.

I would probably ask for 5 hours on the town and then arrest me.. me. You would have to arrest, I'll be honest. Fuck that turning myself in bullshit. Yet on the other hand, cops are less rough when you're all "okay. I know it's time. Hi"

And the cops they laugh cause they're so surprised. They're all the fuck?? You make their day. And even if your day sucks for you, it's a nice feeling to make someone else's a little awesome.

#karma #Tuxedo #jail #prison #hitman #mass murderer #breaking promises #truth #radio frequency ablation #jp dejoria #jesse gregory james ofwesr coast choppers #jjfu #guns #Rambo #weight lifting #pain #suffering #west coast choppers #patron tequila #el diablo #FBI #mystery #science #psychology #criminal #idiot

[stressedoutlibyan]

so!

my friend @sakhafa tagged me to do a ting with 10 facts about me. took me a while to find 10 facts that were cute but not intrusive or oversharing about myself. so without further ado...*plays the DUN DUN DUN DUUUUN beethoven song*

1. my name is bushra! im 19 and im from tripoli libya and i currently live in canada (won’t specify where, because the internet is creepy)

2. im in uni! studying sociology and hopefully will be a doctor one day!

3. i play the violin, tenor sax, and a bit of cello! i love music so much one of the first songs i heard in my life was work it by missy elliott (crazy i know). gosh when i meet a religious muslim person i dont like inviting them to many of my parties because i wanna listen to kanye without judgement or complaints (unless it’s a party hosted by my mama then sure whatever go insane i guess)

4. my favourite sweets are brownies. i would literally kill someone for a brownie. i also really love cheesecake and some arabic thing called “zalabya” (libyan zalabya is different from the egyptian one)

5. i LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE blue jeans. like, its genuinely the only thing i wear. i could sleep in them i find them so comfortable, which is a thing that most of my friends find very strange. i also LOOOOOOOOOVE solid coloured, crewneck sweaters. my actual perfect outfit is a pair of high waisted jeans, a crewneck, and sneakers man. its just the easiest. i also love clean, crisp white t-shirts and a good oversized jeans jacket. i am a huge fan of high fashion though, and my dream is to be the editor in chief of vogue. yea, i know. crazy. 

6. i truly dont think that love lasts, and like i dont think i need to elaborate on that. 

7. my birthday is july 9 so cancer gang lmaooooo

8. i love books like more than anything, they’re one of the things in life that i can find comfort in. i love perfume: the story of a murderer, the godfather, the glass castle, and one million other books. im currently reading a little life and it is so beautiful it’s literally a modern classic

9. i love taking photographs of people, like that’s a legit passion of mine. and i almost hate it when people pose for a picture, unless i specifically ask them to. i love taking pictures of people in their element, whether that be eating, talking, crying, laughing, walking, staring at a wall, etc. i just love the reality of pictures like that. i also would like to make a movie one day, first a couple of short ones just to try my hand at it, and then long ones, because there’s like a thousand and one books that i want to make into movies. 

10. despite the fact that i say i hate my country a lot i actually love our culture and language and heritage and sites and all of that. i think it’s one of the most beautiful, rich-in-history, remarkable places in the world, it’s just that god cursed it with the worst people in the world. 

so that’s about it i guess. i dont know who to tag but if you read this feel free to remake it! i hope you had fun reading this or whatever. stay groovy!