Brian I have a nice ask day ask if you wish to answer it 💜 can you pick your top 5 Rafa on screen scenes and rank them? impossible question I know. but I believe in you!
Okay the thing is I did want to answer this immediately but it absolutely crippled me with doubt 😂 so I'm just gonna do it quick like ripping off a bandaid so that I can't overthink it anymore. Also not going to rank them because I'll spiral, so you're just getting 5 great ones:
The first interrogation room scene in 2x08 (but also all Carlos and Gabriel scenes this episode). The constant shifts in Carlos as he puts things together and realizes why Gabriel's there, the heartbreak of him thinking he was doing what his father always wanted, only to disappoint him again... at the time, this was the strongest scene LS had it its arsenal (WE STAN AND MISS TONYA KONG FOREVER AND ALWAYS) and it remains one of the best ones. It's so compelling and amazing to get to see the Carlos and Gabriel dynamic on display for the first time. This episode was a game-changer and I'll never shut up about it.
It's probably cheating to say all of his work in 4x18, so if I had to pick a scene from that I would say his talk with Owen where they toast Gabriel. My only problem with it is that it's so short, but Rafa packs every fucking thing he can in there, beat for beat, and it's beautiful. His delivery on "and forget about it?" but also all the lines leading up to that. The man is fucking hollow and crushed and lost and MY GOD RAFAEL. He's so skilled at what he does, knows exactly what he's doing every time. It's sublime.
Fine, another 4x18. Carlos's vows. I'm not gonna explain that one, the man is fucking beautiful and his heart is beautiful and he puts in on display publicly for what was probably the first time in his adult life, and it's stunning.
I love the scene in 3x13 where Carlos meets Cooper. Rafa is such a brilliant comedic actor, he uses every tool at his disposal, he understands his craft so well, how to use his body and face and voice to delivery great work, he's such a standout. I adore him. I could watch that scene for hours. Also, he is really fucking distracting in those clothes.
I'm gonna pick the fire in 2x12. And I'm gonna pick it because honestly the intensity of that scene, the life-or-death stakes, the absolute devastation and destruction of it, they are fully delivered by Rafa's performance. Like, Carlos's fear is what drives the scene, and Rafa's work sells it. And I'm also going to pick it because he's shirtless and so fucking hot. I'm gay, it's true. Have fully never recovered from it. And I'm also going to cheat and say the scene continues into him crying and TK holding him. So, like, obviously a top 5.
I'm sorry I have to include it I know I already picked 5 and I refuse to cut any of them but the 3x04 scene deserves to be in here and I'm mostly talking about the montage scene where TK wakes up and Carlos is forced out of the room and then his mom is there but then he fucking gasps the breath of a dying man who has been saved LIKE HE BASICALLY SAYS NO WORDS BUT MY FUCKING GOD, THE PERFORMANCE so I'm listing it and you can't fucking stop me Lola YOU CAN'T
anyway I just really love an actor who has honed their skills and studied their craft and dedicated themselves to approaching each scene in a fresh and honest way and I'm just really fucking happy to get to watch Rafa do it so thanks for letting me rave about him Lola you're a real one ❤️
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Okay. So. Long not-an-ask ask. Apologies. Might seem creepy(?) Weird(?) Unasked for(?) Trauma dumpy(?)No clue if this fits within normal social norms, but I had to go and tell you this, because I -need- you to know that you have meant the world to me and I feel like no thanks I could give you could ever be enough.
I'm sure you are aware by now that I am -quite- the fan of trr (solaris edition).
For the past 8 years of intense social issues, panick attacks and a whole other array of struggles, I have spent 7 of those thinking I might be autistic. I never dared do anything with it, part of a whole other trauma unrelated to this, but had the same struggles none the less. I tried not to research too much into autism, as I was deadly afraid of 'conforming to the diagnosis' because I was desperate to know why my life had crumbled the way it had.
For 7 years, I knew something was wrong, but could not, dared not, to get the help I needed.
March 14 I read your trr for the first time.
March 15 I had the biggest breakdown I had in a while, crying and crying reading 'Halt does research' where I read Halts flashback, and saw myself in my youth in a way I had never before.
I can't find the exact chapter/date for this one, but there were some bits where Crowley was kind and considerate and patient with Halt, and I cried and cried again. Knowing this is how I wanted to be treated, and what impact it would've had on my growing up if this had been given to me.
The first time around trr -wrecked- me, nor only on a story level, but on a deep and personal level. It made me see things I already suspected, knew, even, but pushed deep down out of an immeasurable fear of what it would mean.
I re-read trr 3-4 times (sometimes without comment spamming) between march 14 and october 8th.
October 8th I had my intake conversation at a diagnostic centre.
The strength and healing I pulled from your trr got me in that room. Your trr showed me who I had been, seeing me in a way that no story had ever seen me, and showing me what could be, too. The way I deserve to be treated and loved in a much more concrete manner than anything ever could.
Now, poetically enough, march again, the 17th, I got diagnosed. Autistic, with a higher need in social stuff and task-doing. I was just as I -should- be. Not broken, not imperfect, just wired differently. Due to planning issues, I have not yet received my official report, all I had this past week was a single stressfull conversation and my brain trying to convince me I heard it all wrong. (I did not)
I am so used to keeping myself together with glue and smiles, that I have not yet been able to process the impact of what this means. Not fully, at least.
But in march I read your trr. And I saw your Halt. And I saw me. And I cried in mourning and desperation. And in march, I read your Crowley, and I saw my options, my truth and what could be.
I spend so many words writing this (I am so sorry) and yet they don't feel enough. You have given me something I never could on my own, and I could never express to you what that means. I just. I needed you to know the impact you have had. The help I will now get because you chose to write a grumpy guy in a way that mattered.
Thank you. With every fiber of my being. Thank you.
Well, first things first: Congratulations are in order! Maybe you don't have the paper yet, but you're one of us - officially! Get a warm drink, a favourite treat, and have a you night with your cat
But on a more personal note: this ask also means a lot to me for reasons that would be extremely rambly if I explained them in full. I'm gonna try anyway.
I first started to suspect I was autistic when I was fifteen. I began to seriously suspect it, and make accommodations for myself as if I was autistic, when I was twenty-eight. I had a friend with ADHD whose brother had ADHD and autism, and through conversations with her about what her brother was like (I knew her through school, and hadn't met her brother in person), I grew more confident about being autistic...but still not fully confident. See, the way my 'tism works, I don't like to consider myself as anything unless I have incontrovertible proof of it. I was leery about eye contact, stimmed regularly, had to think about my facial expressions and tone of voice constantly, related to autistic people, hated too much sensory stimulation...but I didn't have proof. Feel free to laugh at me - I tease myself about this as well
Fast forward two years. I'm just preparing to publish the first chapter of The Royal Ranger. I'm nervous about it. I'd had the thought to make Halt autistic in it, but, well, I didn't have proof that I was autistic yet, did I? And I didn't have an autistic beta reader on the fic. So I gave myself an out. I clarified in the author's note that it was based on my own experience and not meant to be universal. I paid careful attention to how I felt so I could write Halt feeling the same way. Even in later chapters, when it came time to say what Halt saw when looking at people's faces, I had Caitlyn say it and framed it as a years-old conversation she was remembering. That way, if i was wrong, I had a cover
Things started to change before that though, on May 1st, 2022, when Angel made a post here on tumblr praising TRR. Having another autistic person openly say they related to Halt and loved his portrayal went a long way towards settling my mind. Angel started beta reading TRR, and when he never accused me of doing something completely wrong and off base, my mind settled further. I got better about saying I was autistic. And then other autistic people commented saying they related to Halt and saw themselves in him, and I realised that writing an allistic character was a lot harder than writing an autistic one because, oh yeah, they actually pick up on emotions, and all together the scales have tipped and we've hit my brain's standard of "incontrovertible proof"
So thank you for sending this in, and thanks for reading, and thanks for all the comments! I look forward to reread number six (I think we're on six now?) 😊
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