#hes got too much empathy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

areacode516 · 19 days

Text

thinking about deh again… like i think one of the things that makes deh age weirdly is that the latter portion of it is incredibly uncomfortable to sit through. and it doesn’t quite give you the full catharsis you expect (i.e full closure with all characters). so it gives you an exceptionally like. emotionally tense feeling. it’s so heavy. when i finished watching it the first time it took me like all night to process it and finally relax and sleep. i liked the discomfort a lot though, it’s rare that a story makes you sit through it and sit with it and doesn’t feed you the perfect happy ending.

the entire Moment of evan revealing everything to the murphys is like. not quite second hand embarrassment, it’s like. second hand “totally fucked” (spring awakening style) and second hand “i want to kms” (how can you not empathize with/have compassion for evan during words fail) and second hand pure desperation of wanting to be anyone else but yourself but also wishing you could want to be yourself.

but in the end the murphys DON’T totally fuck evan à la melchior gabor…like….because they got attached to him and still feel that attachment, because he helped them get closure, because they realize he was very troubled and the truth coming out could make him go out the same way as connor and they wouldn’t be able to stand the guilt and knowing they could have prevented it…again…that is SO compelling. it’s not even about redemption or forgiveness. his lies helped them, and if you’re really extraordinarily cynical, the lie (platitude) that you will be found (the original lie that evan was found by connor), that there’s always going to be someone who’ll come running also helps people…and it’s not really a lie if the musical itself found people, right….the layers of #ywbf in universe and out of it are insane and I honestly think a lot of them are unintentional considering. but i would argue those layers were originally intentional (since the original idea pasek/paul/levenson came up with was a cynical satire on parasocial grief) but layers later pushed away in favor of fully celebrating joyfully and optimistically their song and story and theme and audience at the time, removing the nuance, leading to the direction of the movie.

could deh the musical have said what it wanted to say with more sensitivity and grace? sure. but what it *does* say is worth accepting its messy conclusions for, because expecting things to be neat and tidy and perfectly moral is just another lie we force ourselves to present to the world that prevents us from ever finding each other.

#dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen analysis #dear evan hansen meta #evan hansen #i find it admirable that while making deh they originally wanted to make fun of these characters but the more they got to know them #the more compassion and empathy they felt for them.#every single character in the story deserves compassion. bc if they do not...there is no hope for the rest of us #i also think that the protrayal of mental illness as something complicated that does hurt people is actually valuable #its more damaging to pretend that the only people who deserve help are the ones who have never been mentally ill in the wrong way #the more walls we put up projecting false selves; the more it becomes impossible to tear them down and feel safe being *flawed*#if i had found deh earlier as a teenager at my most su/c/dal ywbf would have pissed me OFF lmaoo i would have gone #'ITS NOT THAT EASY!' but that undercurrent is there within the text when you *know* for evan its all a lie.#he wants to pretend what really happened didnt and move on with the rewrite like that but its not. that. easy. and he finds out the hard wa #the anguish will never end until we let ourselves be seen in all our monstrous glory and come out the other side caked in gore but Alive #i should make it its own post but like. every single chara in deh projects a false version of themselves to the world because they think #they have to. because they think theyre not allowed to show people their flaws and anguish and mistakes #'the scary truth is i'm flying blind' - heidi thought she couldnt let evan know this.#the truth is scary and uncomfortable #she tried to pretend she wasnt coming up short all the time - until she admits it in sb/ss -#and once heidi has allowed evan to acknowledge her flaws evan can finally believe she loves him #that he is loved despite everything he thinks is wrong with him. that she wont hate him for what he did. that the pain will pass #thats just an example #theres also more heidi analysis you can do in this vein with regards to her interaction with the murphys but ive already talked too much #meta #my.post #it takes vulnerability to begin to accept ourselves and others #i want like. to talk about the themes of the story with people #maybe thats too much to ask for in 2024 #if theres anything you disagree with here or would like clarification on please feel free to interact!!!!

2 notes · View notes

gh0st-city · 2 months

Text

Thinking about Azula again...

#i need more people to understand her character and not just dismiss her as an evil person #a pawn or an emotionless husk #i need more people to understand that Ursa isnt a good parent #she married a monster and only realized her mistake after it was too late #once she had Zuko she finally had someone to pour her love into and to make her feel less isolated #so she coddled him and would spend all of her time with him #Ozai is a smart man im sure he noticed and figured out exactly why she was always preoccupied with Zuko which made him have a certain #disdain for his son which only grew as he got older and didnt meet his father's impossible standards #and then came Azula #her mother already had her perfect child so she didnt get as much attention from her #especially when she started showing certain characteristics that were reminiscent of her father #ursa was unnerved by Azula and her difficulty understanding certain things such as empathy #she was certain this child would grow up to be a monster like her father #so she never bothered trying to teach her to be better than him #which left her all to her father #who could groom her into the fire bending prodigy and brutal warrior that we knew in the show #he controlled her and manipulated her into being exactly what he wanted #a puppet and a weapon to be used as he saw fit #and when the curtains lifted ever so slightly from her eyes showing her the reality of her situation she broke #rambles #avatar the last airbender #princess azula

6 notes · View notes

keingleichgewicht · 2 years

Text

Listen for the prophecy somewhere in the static Once you've saddled up your pony Burn down the paddock

kt, parties is for losers by ferry the mountain goats, "as many candles as possible"

#pafl #parties is for losers #edit tag #NO ONE GETS! TOO MUCH LIGHT!#no one actually gets a better deal! no one gets anything good out of this! it doesnt work like that no one here isnt hungry #and also like . kt is a character who is capable of Almost Too Much empathy. i think this is one of her tragedies #she considers other peoples points of view. she doesnt always have all the information! but she does consider it #and this means she understands yura on the very first glance and understanding yura is a deeply sad thing #and this means she can't even hold a serious grudge against dmitry for what he has been complicit in in the past #and evidently this means most terribly that in the end she even understands why she got put back in the cage (though we dont!)#'when the scars are shiny' for kt means back in a hospital bed and saying goodbye to any chance at ever being loved #and 'the risen beast' to be clear is dima (who has hurt her before) but its also yura (who has hurt her now)#and the pigs and the dawn and joy that might not be joy and that fucking smile that yura wears all the time #that kt tried to help him find a way out of and has in the end only succeeded at trapping him much further in #THIS IS ALSO SO SAD. kt understanding yura is so sad - its so tired - she helps him but there is this old jaded edge to the comfort #you get the distinct sense shes seen it all before #(and considering her upbringing she probably has!)#just another broken boy. and she is too kind not to do something. but shes already so very much too grown-up and too tired #we talk about yura having to grow up too fast - and GOD did he ever have to - but KT! BUT KT! kt is THIRTEEN!#SHES THIRTEEN. DUDE. SHES THIRTEEN

48 notes · View notes

mrs-kelly · 1 year

Text

this episode im watching is AWFUL like it started out so good and fun and then IMMEDIATELY just tanked everything for Charlie. My poor poor baby 🥺

#i as literally giggling and so happy in the beginning #and rn i just had to take a break bc he literally got so hurt and then ate smth rly gross and got hurt again and then DRANK smth rly gross #like i got physically sick watching it bc i have too much empathy for him; i was watching him drink it and it was like i could taste it 🤢#charlie just cant have anything good huh :(#it's why i was left out of canon 😔 /lh /j ahjfdsk #but seriously im sitting here just going like 'BABY NO. BABY NO DONT DO THAT'#he needs a hug 😭🤧💕#ren speaks #renlie

13 notes · View notes

orcelito · 1 year

Text

Also the fact that it's 4/20. The holiday I "observe" (typically by making jokes) despite not being a weed smoker. And I spent all of today filled with dread, actively miserable, actively distraught, and then vaguely dissatisfied/depressed

😊✌😋 happy 4/20 to a certain dead bastard in particular

#speculation nation #negative/#ok geeze ive made enough allusions to it and i kinda want ppl to know exactly why i got so freaked out by it today #uhm. preemptive trigger tag. it's relevant.#suicide ment/#anyways an employee's step dad killed himself with a gun in front of her late last night. like literally right next to her apparently.#and the other employee was on the phone as it happened & saw the scene after the fact when she picked up the first employee #they were both so distraught & obviously traumatized. scared of losing their jobs if they didnt come to work #but we told them not to worry about it. we'd find a way to cover for them. it'll be fine.#and i hold true to that. no way im forcing them to work after dealing with that.#privately though im distraught with sympathy for these poor girls. it hurt my heart so much to hear them talk about it #and then there's the entire topic of suicide. the image in my head. the empathy for what these girls went through #the first girl. shes only 17. she apparently hated this man. and it's no wonder why.#im filled with so much anger for what he did to her. killing himself would be traumatizing regardless #but to do it RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER? to the point where she apparently had burns from the gunfire?????#im angry. im livid. these are my girls and they went through something no one ever should have to. so young too...#and. yeah that's why im so fucked up right now #the general stress of my life is not helping lol

2 notes · View notes

firebirdsdaughter · 2 years

Text

Look…

… Does Myst IV have its issues? Yes. Is the acting, esp Sirrus and Achenar, hammy and ridiculous af??? Hard yes.

Is that part of the reason I love it??? HELL YES.

I can’t help it, I just love the cheesy hamminess of the dude who plays Achenar esp??? Like did Achenar ‘luck out’ w/ the prison ages? Yes, definitely. But that’s almost like. A point in a way? Plus it’d be weird to have two of the exact same world just. Chilling out in the open, that’d at least arose suspicion, at most scream ‘trap.’ The writing is a little clumsy, but I don’t think you’re supposed to think that Sirrus is super worse then Achenar—I think the differences in their imprisonment is meant to be a factor in why you’re meant to trust Achenar. Sirrus’s issue is he mistrusts everyone. He takes Atrus and Catherine’s visits as a sign of mockery, assumes they ‘love’ Yeesha more. He can’t fathom sincerity or honest affection, expects everyone to have an ulterior motive or be stupid, and his prison age just makes that worse. For Sirrus, isolation made him worse, where as Achenar needed… Maybe not complete isolation, but a controlled environment with things he can’t gain power or rule over. Sirrus’s prison age exacerbated his pride and callousness while Achenar was able to cool off and self reflect. But of course, I don’t think Atrus really expected anyone to fall into these traps, and again, he’d never imagine his sons would. He just wrote two different types of prison Ages, maybe wrote Haven a bit after Spire, or something. He didn’t plan them out w/ a particular person or personality in mind. It’s not his fault that they choose the way they did. The cookie crumbled that way and it made them different people, and there was very little anyone could have done to anticipate these exact things happening.

Now, I should note that I dunno what an alternative ending would be for them, bc despite all of this, it will never make the things the willingly did go away, what’s done cannot be undone. I very rarely think anyone deserves death, but narratively I can see why they did it. It’d be hard to integrate Sirrus and Achenar w/ their past issues hanging over them (esp after III). I’m more just musing on a comment I saw once that kinda had an almost complain-y tone to it about, so I wanted to say that I think that’s part of the point. I think you’re supposed to to notice the differences/benefits of each prison world and consider it in your decision.

#Myst #Myst IV: Revelation #Spoilers #I… guess???#it is ten years old but proceed at your own risk #I did also see someone be like 'oh of course the tree hugger is the good guy and the tech guy is evil lol'#and I'm #y'all see how much tech Atrus makes???#this has shit to do w/ Sirrus creating technology #which Achenar essentially does w/ his own contraptions #and more to do w/ Sirrus losing his empathy and being so mired in his own vices/assumptions he fails to understand #the genuine attempts at reconciliation and Yeesha's earnestness #his pride was wounded and never got a chance to heal #however different he is from Achenar I do think Sirrus might've done a bit better if there were those #at least rather intelligent life forms in his age too #it's not 'tech is evil' it's more 'extreme isolation and lack of emotional bonds bad'#Sirrus wasn't bad bc he (somehow) made tech but bc he got left to stew in his anger and ego for twenty years #also whining about hippies got old like #ages ago and this is more than a decade ago NOW so get over yourselves #Things You Didn't Know Fire Was Into

26 notes · View notes

casekt · 28 days

Text

Creativity is such a weird thing, like you either have it or you don't, and sometimes it goes away and comes back, it's really like divine wisdom but the wisdom I get imparted with is of a 58 year old man and his sexcapades or whatever

#his character comes so naturally to me it's like he lives inside me #he's me if I was a 58 year old Italian american man with no empathy or concern for ethics #personal shit #still thinking about how I never wanted to make him as a character because I didn't need more but he wouldn't stop developing in my brain #I was watching something set in 1985 and I was thinking that it's cool when a character is the parent of another character #and you get to see the parent character back in the day the same age as the modern day offspring character #which is often played by the same actor #he started to develop because he fits the 80s sleaze so well but I was like nah I don't really want to do anything set in other time periods #but he was just too interesting. then I started thinking about him in modern times like oh old man <3 that's fun portray him in different #times in his life but it developed into very much focusing on him in modern day because I got the idea for my book. which is not in the same #universe as the like base universe that doesn't have a name. where none of my characters know each other #I should make a universe chart lmao

1 note · View note

arkon-z · 1 month

Text

Hey, brain, question: why does the most minor amount of imagined stress fuck you up? It was an update we were waiting for and prepared to handle, but then you went and brought feelings into this and now you can't focus on our actual job.

#i would have this handled if i could a) control my hyperfocus better and b) turn off my empathy #“I'm doing my best!”“Your best is an IDIOT!”#what if i stopped caring so much?#that would make this easier #that would make EVERYTHING easier #he got all butthurt over some miscommunication and now i'm scared that if i phrase something the wrong way it'll push him out completely #it's not my fault he doesn't understand how not to read overtones into a text post #“i kind of felt like everyone was targeting me” no dude they were replying to your comment and you kept getting tagged #but no one wants to hear me tell them they interpreted a situation wrong because they don't understand how comment replies work #I am NOT the only one who cares; i know that #it just seems like no one else wants to step up #which is why we have leadership for fuck's sake #god #i know it's going to be okay #i'm just tilted because he acted like a drama queen #and he's over it too #maybe him and the other guy are both tilted because they're both being drama queens about this

1 note · View note

bohemiandeer · 2 months

Text

You know what hits me hard? When 5 to 6 year old children, all the way in Southeast Asia, knows about what's happening in Palestine right now. That children their age is getting bombed, that they're starving to death, that they're getting shot at, and sniped in the head. Because, just this past 2 or so months, I heard some of the little ones in the Kindergarten classes I'm TAing in as an Intern talk about it. Hell, one of the little boys downright said he didn't like Israel, because Israel is bad, because they do scary things. Another was questioning whether Palestine was bad too, because, "why else would they shooting at them?". A little girl in one of my classes doesn't want to finish her food at all, because she wants to save at least half her meat and rice for kids in Palestine, because she heard that, they don't have food. And that's just the ones I remember. Namely the inciting cases before their classmates slowly follow suit. The littles are fricking SCARED. We had to sit these kids down, and tell them that the topic is too mature for them at the moment, that they shouldn't even be concerned because they're KINDERGARTNERS, they're not even old enough to properly understand. The one teacher I was TAing for had to make a class announcement saying that. What gets me is, these are 5 to 6 year olds, the youngest I've worked with in this specific age group is 4. 5 years old on average, and they've already been exposed to the worst horrors genocide has to offer through the news and snippets of conversation among adults and hell, considering how many of them say they like to play games on Mama's phone, or their IPad, even from fricking social media. And the fact that, these literal babies, from all the way in Cambodia, has more empathy in their entire body and soul, than full grown fricking adults have in the nail of their pinky finger, gets me. FFS we as adults could LEARN from them I feel sometimes. I honestly don't know what to feel about it anymore. On the one hand, this is the next generation I'm working with. And if the next generation's default response to a tragedy such as Palestine, is what I've seen come up on occasion so far? Perhaps there's some bloody hope for this world after all. At least in this country. Especially since a majority of them already come from families who survived a genocide. These are the 3rd - 4th generation descendants of those who survived the Khmer Rouge. They've got grandparents at home, who no doubt are more than intimately familiar with what Palestine is going through right now. And it shows.

But on the other, it makes my heart sink because these are CHILDREN, these are LITTLE KIDS, they should be playing with their toys and watching cartoons and talking to their friends about everything from Spiderman to Speakerman to Kuromi and her friends, and be worried about whether or not they can go to playground that day, guranteed they're well behaved, or if Mama remembered to pack in their costume for swimming lessons that week. NOT JUST MY KIDS. But the little ones in Palestine too. They deserve better. They all deserve, so much better. Hell, it's come to the point that whenever I look at my kiddos right now, whether they'd be working in class, playing, doing something as mundane as eating lunch or getting ready for their nap. I think of the children their age in Palestine that didn't even get the chance to survive. I think of the ones whose memories from this age, is nothing but absolute horror and pain, rather than what has slowly become my normal, who never got to experience what my littles do on a daily basis right now.

Children shouldn't even be concerned about "War", about a Genocide. The last thing that should be on a 5 year old's mind, is pain, and suffering, and the worst horrors imaginable ever to be inflicted on a human being. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S INFLICTED, ON OTHER CHILDREN THEIR AGE. And for that alone, the world has failed them. Especially the kids in Palestine who didn't ask for any of this. They just wanted to carry on with life as kids do, the same way as my littles do on a daily basis no doubt, learning, playing, chatting with friends over their favourite cartoons and characters, worrying about whether they'd get to go to the playground or not that day.

I apologize for talking about this on this blog. I know my blog tends to be lighter in feel, a lot more unhinged and light hearted typically. I mean, I'm just a fricking nerd who likes to draw and write, and lurk about her favourite fandoms to consume and support what is shared among other nerds who also like to draw and write. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. About contemplating it, especially since I'll be back on a roll tomorrow, working with my kiddos again after not seeing them for 5 days straight because of Holidays. And, I just had to talk about it. This is something I felt I couldn't keep to myself this time, I don't think my soul'd be able to carry it. I had to talk about it.

FREE PALESTINE. Our children deserve better.

#free palestine #gaza #palestine #rafah #israel #current events #gaza strip #human rights #childrens rights #save the children #cease fire in gaza #cease fire now #cease fire permanently #palestinian genocide #support gaza #pray for palestine #ceasfire now

7K notes · View notes

baldursgate3tempobsessed · 7 months

Text

Soft Astarion Jealousy

Now with part 2!

I love Ascended Astarion because he's horrible but the sweetness of the other end of the spectrum is impossible to deny. He's just so in love and grateful I can't 🥺🥺

So here's some jealousy that isn't psychotic. Well it is but not as bad:

Astarion never expected to be the jealous type. He always thought...well. In all honesty he never thought about the reality of having a relationship. He didn't even think it was possible for him, let alone the idea that he would actually want it. Even with you, even after he admitted a fraction of his own feelings to himself, he never thought that he would be so... possessive. Though admittedly, he had very good cause for it.

Because you were frustrating. So, so frustrating. For some idiotic reason, you simply didn't understand how alluring to others you really were. You were a pretty little thing, yes but that wasn't the problem. It was so much more than that. And he knew that the others wanted you. Every last one of them. Lae'zel, Shadowheart, Wyll, Karlach, Gale, Halsin. All of them like moths to a flame. And that wasn't even counting all of the strangers you had met on your journey, the extras that thought they had a shot with your greatness. They all wanted you in ways that made Astarion seethe. And the desire from others wasn't even the kind that he was used to, the kind he understood like the back of his hand. Because you didn't need to seduce to cultivate desire. All you needed to stoke the flames was merely your presence. Experiencing you was all that was required for people to know they wanted more.

Astarion knew that the others weren't just looking for a bedmate, they wanted you for the same reasons he had grown to. Your empathy, your desire to understand those around you. Your fearlessness, your infuriating habit of always trying to do the right thing. They wanted you for your laugh, the way your eyes would crinkle in the corners when your smile was too wide. Your silly jokes, your endless hopefulness for a future. It felt as though everyone around saw you for the gem that you were and it was... concerning. Extremely concerning.

Astarion hated thinking about things like this. He loathed admitting the truth to himself even more. But he was...terrified of losing you to someone else. Especially since it could so easily be done. He was so very lucky that you weren't the brightest, or at least not when it came to matters of the heart. You could do so much better than him, a fact that was incredibly obvious to everyone around you. Everyone but you, a luck that Astarion did not take lightly. But how much time did he have before it ran out? Would it ever?

Perhaps it was delusional, but he was starting to think when all of this was over, assuming neither of you perished anyway, that...it could just be the two of you. Living together, exploring the world, even if it had to be under the cloak of night. Maybe... maybe the two of you could even find a cure for his unsavory condition. The thought itself was incredibly stupid, but then again, it was just as idiotic to believe that there was a cure to the Mind Flayer parasite. But here they were, closer then ever. And if that was such an impossibility turned into reality, perhaps a vampiric cure wasn't so impossible. Or maybe even finding an alternative method for immortality for you, without the downsides of his own. Anything that could just keep you both together, for as long as possible. It was an unrealistic dream, that would never come into fruition. If anything it was dangerous, so very dangerous to even entertain the thought of forever. Especially when your connection was so tenuous.

Astarion would never be stupid enough to thank Cazador for anything but...he'd be lying if he said he wasn't appreciative for his own lack of subtly when it came to seducing you. Even if it originally was for distasteful reasons, it still got him ahead of the pack. If he had been less calculating, less astute, there was a sincere chance that you would be warming someone else's bed at night. Callousness would never be without it's uses, even if it led to uncomfortable situations like his current infatuation.

What would he do when you inevitably wanted to leave? How could he survive after having something so...good. Someone so caring, someone who for some very horrifying reason liked being around him. And the sex... it was fabulous. He was a massive fan of your intimacy, when he was capable of participating in it. He adored it, he adored you, your beauty, the sweet noises he could coax from your mouth, the europhia of being inside of you. Then there was the fact that you could be intimate without any traces of it devolving into lovemaking. He had never been gifted with the ability to say no before, so often and so freely without a single fear of punishment. If anything, it felt like he was rewarded when he was honest with you, when he would share his sudden fits of discomfort in his own body, the memories that plagued him and doomed him to staying stubbornly soft. You would never get angry, never even disappointed. You would just listen and smile, always adorable when you would ask, "But I can stay for a cuddle, can't I?"

An extremely silly question, considering the two of you hadn't spent a night apart from each other since you'd made it to the Shadowlands. Yet it never failed to make him melt.

It was getting worse, these feelings. He just wanted you around, by his side, constantly. Constant enough for him to get the ridiculous urge to hiss at anyone else who dared to come near you. He felt an intense need to protect the closeness the both of you had cultivated, the kind that he had never been allowed before. He had no interest in sharing you with your own friends when it came down to it, let alone another lover.

Which is precisely why his original, mild distaste for Halsin turned into a full-blown hatred the night he had the gall to proposition you.

It had felt like a shard of ice going through his chest when you bounded over to him, laughing about one of his greatest fears coming much too close to reality, "You won't believe the conversation Halsin and I just had-"

"Ah, I was wondering when you were going to ask me about that," Astarion laughed, purposefully interrupting you. He had no desire to hear the specifics of that conversation. He didn't even want to be having this conversation, where you were inevitably going to ask if it was okay to explore someone else.

The answer was no. Never would he be okay with it, allowing someone else to be close to what should have been his. But he needed to think strategically here. To say no could be disasterous. If it became a game of choice between him and Halsin... he's almost certain he would lose. Halsin was everything he wasn't; caring, giving, sharing in your worldviews in a way that Astarion never could. He couldn't risk it, he wouldn't. Having you at all was better than nothing.

"But I'd never even consider something like that-"

"It's fine," Astarion interrupts again, the fakest smile he can muster plastered on his face. The pain was worth the risk mitigation, he was sure of that. But... he still had to ask, "But is this because we haven't...y'know, in awhile?"

A sick part of him prays that you'll say yes. Because if that's the reason, he could do something about it. He could force himself if need be to always tend to your needs. Especially if it meant keeping you to himself. It was such a small sacrifice in comparison to the rest of his life. He would do it in a heartbeat if you demanded, anything to just make you stay.

But that was not the answer he received. Instead you frowned, looking him up and down, "What? No, I-Astarion no. Please don't think that. What we have together is so special to me. The physical part of it is lovely, perfect even. But...it's not what we are."

It's almost comforting to hear you say that. But then why did that make the situation feel so much worse? If it wasn't sex you were after then that certainly meant you wanted more with Halsin as well, did it not? But it was too late to rescind it now.

Astarion nodded, a confused mixture of hurt and gratefulness swirling through him, "I just needed to know. But if you're satisfied with me and just want to explore, go right ahead. I'll be here when you're done."

You nodded slowly, brow furrowed when you asked, "So...we aren't exclusive then?"

"No, of course not," Astarion confirmed, ignoring everything inside of him that was screaming for him to take it all back, "We can be as open as you'd like."

"I see..." You said, trailing off with a frown. You coughed into your hand, looking up at him sharply. Sharp enough for him to be sincerely confused, "Does this mean that you'll be speaking to me before you explore your other options?"

"I-yes? If you want?" Astarion answered, a new type of unease settling in his chest. You didn't seem very happy with this conversation, despite his best attempts to give you what you wanted. Where had he gone wrong? Was he already working to throw you into the arm's of another man, without even trying?

You were still frowning at him, your look cold in a way that made him feel particularly ill, "Please do. I'd like to know everything. I'm going to speak to Halsin, get this all sorted. We can talk later."

And then you were spinning on your heel and marching away, like Astarion was the offensive party here. It made no sense. He had done it all right, hadn't he? Agreed to it immediately, didn't make you feel guilty, had tried to be what you wanted. How had he failed?

He didn't wait around to see you go to Halsin. Instead he went straight back to his tent, closing the flap as he laid down. Great. Fantastic. Now he would have to be aware, perhaps even hear you being with another, while simultaneously reliving that horrid conversation in his head for the entire night. The hurt and worry was making his mind wander to uncomfortable places. Perhaps...Halsin could be dealt with in another way if things became too serious between the two of you.

Would poisoning the man be too extreme?

But before Astarion had the time to start thinking of a more detailed plan he was interrupted. Suddnely, moonlight was filling his tent, with your silleoute shining in the darkness.

He blinked up at you, confused, "What are you doing here?"

You frowned at him, looking hesitant in the entry way, "Should I not be? I thought-I can go if you'd like."

"No!" Astarion blurted out, loud and desperate enough to make him cringe. He cleared his throat, trying again, his voice still a touch too pitiful for his liking, "No, no, come here darling. Of course you're always welcome. I just assumed you would be busy."

To his relief you listened, crawling into the bedroll next to him. Astarion didn't waste any time in wrapping his arms around you, relieved to humiliating degrees that you had chosen to come back after the deed. Though...you didn't quite smell as he had thought you would. There were no traces of the floral, woodsy smell of the druid on your skin. Just the sweet, pleasant scent that he had grown so fond of.

You sighed as he tucked you against him, the warmth of you enough to make him relax for the first time that night. You laid together in a pleasant quiet, one that Astarion was actually scared to disturb. Despite the fact that he desperately wanted to know what happened between the two of you.

But you broke the silence for him, muttering into his chest after the two of you were settled, "I'm...sorry for being snappish earlier. I shouldn't have been. You didn't do anything wrong, and I know I don't own you. I shouldn't have assumed."

Astarion frowned, pulling back to get a proper look at your face. You looked hurt, sad even. Like you were the one who had gotten their heart broken. He could feel a curl of distaste settling in his stomach, annoyed that this felt as though the situation was being placed back to him. He had played his part, perfectly. What more could you ask for? What was there to assume?

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean," Astarion carefully said, his eyes fixed on every micro expression on your face, "What did I do that could have been construed as incorrect?"

"Nothing!" You rushed to say, shame coloring your cheeks, "I was being stupid. You never promised me anything. I just...assumed. Wrongly that we were something we aren't."

That didn't-he-what? Astarion frowned at her, his confusion evident on his face, "What did you think we were?"

You looked uncomfortable, avoiding his gaze when you answered, "I thought that we were...together. Alone. Just us. But if that's not what you want I understand. It's fine-"

"What in the hells are you talking about?" Astarion blurted out, his anger and pain bubbling to the surface, "I haven't done a thing. And we were just us before you decided to galivant off with a bear of a man!"

He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. So much for playing things safely. No, he couldn't even have the self-control to stay quiet. He always had to ruin everything.

But surprisingly, you didn't look angry. If anything you seemed just as confused as he felt, "What? I didn't-we didn't do anything! When did I say I wanted to do anything with Halsin? You were the one saying you didn't care!"

You weren't making any damn sense, "Well why else would you ask me about it?"

"I didn't!" You huffed, glaring at him, "All I was going to say was that he asked me. And I wanted your help on how to best turn him down! And then you jumped at the chance to push me onto someone else-"

"I did nothing of the sort!" Astarion seethed back, "If it was up to me you would never look at another man again! Or woman for that matter!"

It was an odd feeling, to be arguing while holding each other so closely. But Astarion had no intention of letting you go anytime soon, even if he could feel you squirming against his ironclad grip when you fumed at him, "Then why would you say it was okay?!"

"Because I don't want you to leave me!" He shouted back, loud enough to snap him out of his own anger. All of his fury was instantly replaced with fear. Gods, why had he felt the need to say that? To lay his biggest insecurity out on the line. Why not just hand you a stake while he was at it, since he was so eager to give you the tools to destroy him.

But you were still seething, hissing back at him, "Why praytell, would I leave the man I've been in love with for months? Hm? Please, explain it to me!"

Astarion couldn't. He was too busy being shell-shocked at the confession, feeling too many emotions at once. Joy, relief, somehow even more fear than before. You so freely said the words that he had done his damndest to bury, to ignore. But now they were out there, filling him with a horrifying joy.

He wanted to say it back. He did. But he couldn't get the wrecthed words out. Instead he was just staring at you like an imbeicle, his mouth hanging opening at the confession.

But his silence didn't make you falter. Instead you looked determined, near fierce as you grasped his face into your warm hands, "I love you Astarion. You don't have to say it back. That's not what this is about. But I want you. And only you. If you want the same of me then you must tell me. Now."

Astarion let his hands flutter over your wrists, humiliating tears prickling at his eyes. But at least his vocal chords allowed him to answer you this time, "I do. So much more than you know. I want us. Just us. No one else."

The words were flowing out of him, too fast and sincere for him to make the appropriate edits in his head. He was saying too much, feeling too much, giving too much. But the way your eyes brightened at his words, the way you grinned at him before pulling him in for a sweet kiss made it suddenly feel like he wasn't giving anything up at all.

As much as he loathed to admit it, Astarion was exceedingly grateful for Halsin's existence after that night. He would never have had the gall to demand you to himself without a trigger, without the anger you both shared at being misunderstood. Because now, you were his. His alone, the proclamation coming from your own lips. And he was free to stop hiding how much he had wanted it. How willing he was to do anything to keep it. He let himself off his own leash after that, leaning completely into the mutual ownership you had of each other. No more would he silently sit back and seethe as a stranger flirted with you. No, now he'd be upfront and center, with a possessive hand around your waist as he glared them down, more than prepared with a confidence-shattering quip on his tongue.

He started to let all of his urges seep through, taking full advantage of your willingness. If Wyll looked at you for too long at the fire, with a touch of something that Astarion didn't like in his eyes, he'd effortlessly pull you into his lap onlookers be damned as breathed you in. If Gale suddenly had a suspect offer to teach you some new magic in a secluded location, Astarion would invite himself, impervious to any glares sent his way. And when he felt as though all of them were being a bit too flirtaious, he was more than happy to put them in their places at night. Spending hours upon hours making you scream his name in bed from pleasure, loud enough for everyone to hear and know exactly who you belonged to.

He couldn't care less if it added to his own unpopularity amongst their merry-band of rejects. Their opinions didn't matter. Not when you were eating all of the sudden attention up.

You let him do it all because you understood him, in ways that no one else had bothered to before. You knew who he was, what he wanted, the extent to how much he craved your attention. And you let it all happened, reveled in it even. The intense shows of affection. Because you loved him. And he loved you. And one of these days he'd allow himself to admit the obvious.

But for now, he had what he wanted. What he needed. And in the first time in his life, even with disgusting tadpoles squirming his his brain, Astarion was actually...happy.

#astarion #baldur's gate 3 #astarion x reader #astarion x tav #astarion fic #long fic #you'll pry my long posts out of my cold dead hands #may add a dirty part two here #dirty sweet

7K notes · View notes