#how am i supposed to live in this reality with this kind of standard
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FHH spoiler
It hurts to think how similar Rosalind and Orion are to each other… especially on the part that they were often left out by their own family… Rosalind was being kept in dark by Celia about Juliette’s being safe from the explosion in 1928 while Orion doesnt know anything about Phoebe being the Priest in Communist and being handled by Oliver… Like i get it that both sides tried have their own valid readon to do so but it just hurt me how Orion and Rosalind need to find each other and only then they found someone who truly understand themselves…
Sometimes i wonder how Rosalind and Orion could have better chemistry when they only literally know each other for weeks only before Orion had his memory lost and they were separated for months, compared to the couples such as Phoebe Silas had known each other for more than a decade, Celia and Oliver been partners for 5 years, Roma and Juliette been a couple and soulmate before the disaster took place and Marshall Benedikt also known each other for so long… its really wonderful how Orion and Rosalind can accept each other despite having little time to really know each other AND EVEN SO, there still a lot of layers, secrets that they kept from each other…
And the fact that Orion recognised her when he was in total control by Lady Hong tells us how much he loves her deep down in his heart… plus, his body do recognise her, its like in his instinct to grab Rosalind all the time JUST DESCRIBE HOW HE TRULY LOVES HER and im gonna stop my list here because otherwise it wont stop 🙇🏼♀️
but well, i guess Rosarion is just really written in stars, that they were really fated for each other and im truly love the idea so much and wont ever complained about it 🫶🏻
#foul heart huntsman#foul lady fortune#chloe gong#secret shanghai#rosalind x orion#orion hong#rosalind lang#Nothing just me loving Rosalind and Orion being written in the stars#i love them so much#i need more content of them although we already have it so much already#they are going to be my standard#chloe gong just set my standard so high#how am i supposed to live in this reality with this kind of standard
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the story and lore of your ocs sounds so cool and also. comforting? yeah. i turn 21 very soon and feel like i want to shrivel up and die every time i think about the societal structure of what Adulthood is and stories abt being lost and unsure of your place in a world that is manufactured to treat people as expendable (especially those who can’t fit into the standard of what “peak performance” is) feel like a bandage of some kind. sorry if this is like. a little personal or something i just wanna say that your ocs seem very neat
you're good! that's exactly what i'd like it to be tbh - being in your 20's is such a weird time. there's so much uncertainty and confusion because there's this expectation that you're supposed to have everything figured out soon. but in reality, this is the time where people change the most. i think about who i was when i was 20 and it feels like they're a completely different person from who i am now - and i'm only 23!! so much shit happened in those three years that changed me in more ways than i can even remember, and everything that hit me left me more and more unsure about who i was. it's hard to live the "normal" life you want when it feels like the world is always against you, like it's not built for you, or like you were created without a purpose.
but sometimes it's really comforting to know that most people around this age have very similar struggles. no one knows what the fuck is going on. and personally, that connection has sorta kept me grounded me through this weird period of my life and is something that has definitely been a foundation of a lot of my current personal beliefs: everyone is still learning how to live and learning how to be a person, including you - and that's alright. and i'd like to capture that connection through uncertainty with my oc's story as well (if i ever actually make it lol). i'd like the story to wander a bit, to be uncertain and a little lost, to emulate what it feels like to be a person at this age. it's definitely something i'm developing as a way to provide a bit of catharsis to myself personally, but i'd hope that it could bring that same feeling to other people who also have no fucking idea what's going on (IF I EVER MAKE THE STORY INTO ANYTHING. NO PROMISES RIGHT NOW THO)
in short. shit's wild! it might get kinda rough! but you're not alone and you're allowed to use this time to learn and make mistakes and figure things out at your own pace :] go get em!
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HA! GOTCHA! 3, 11 and 18
Ooo, good choices, these options are really going to necessitate some thought on definitions for me.
3- Childhood Sweethearts
Okay so for me the first question is, what counts as childhood? Did they have to have declared some type of romantic feelings for each other when they were kids? Do we consider any couple that came together in high school to be childhood sweethearts, because that’s normally how I see that terminology utilized in real life? Do we count childhood sweethearts to be people in adult relationships where we find out later that they met as children (lol, no.)
I regret to inform you that I might just have to give this to
Cutie Pie
I am thinking about the shows I have seen where the couples met as kids but are adults now, and there really aren’t that many. I won’t consider high school BLs in the childhood sweethearts category because I am a happy for now kind of person and getting together in high school does not equate to being together forever. That leaves me only a handful: I Can’t Reach You, My Only 12%, Bad Buddy, I Told Sunset About You, and Cutie Pie that really give me an established childhood relationship and then some level of time skip to an older period in their lives. Of that list I feel like I Can’t Reach You and My Only 12% are much more in the friends to lovers camp, ITSAY is a friends to enemies to lovers kind of deal, and Bad Buddy is it’s own special brand of enemies to lovers. And in all of those cases there is one character that is aware of their feelings for much longer than the other.
So it is Cutie Pie for me because Lian and Kuea both loved each other their entire lives. They’ve been engaged since they were children, and even though Kuea is constantly searching for where he left his last brain cell and that gets in the way of him seeing how much Lian loves him, it cannot be denied from an outsider perspective that those two have been in love their entire lives. And honestly, I don’t think Yi and KonDiao are any different in that regard. The love for both couples has existed forever, the tops just have to learn to use their words.
11- Forbidden Love
If I were to go obvious for the Forbidden Love trope, the answer would be Bad Buddy absolutely no contest, but I AM GONNA GO NONTRADITIONAL HERE MUAHAHAHA
He’s Coming to Me
He’s Coming to Me is one of the strongest BLs I’ve seen. It makes me sad to no end that this show gets so little attention and that its distribution got fucked with because I think everyone who hasn’t seen this show should watch it and everyone who has seen this show should watch it again. I consider this a (non-traditional) forbidden love because by all accounts it should not happen. Med is dead and Thun is alive, and they spend the entirety of the show trying to help Med move on, and for most of the show Med and Thun literally cannot touch. I consider He’s Coming to Me a subversion of the standard forbidden love trope because of how incredibly queer I consider the show to be. Thun spends years hiding his powers, pretending that he can’t see Med, pretending to be normal for years, until one day he has had enough. But once he stops giving a shit, once he starts interacting with Med in public? I cannot for the life of me get the image of all those other people’s face out of my head. I think probably too often about that scene where everyone is looking at Thun with the utmost judgment and I just can’t think about it as anything other than two people who are not supposed to be together, choosing to be together anyway, for however long they can, until reality catches up to them.
18- Slow Burn
Hmmmm. This is hard because I feel like all of the BLs I’ve seen are too short for a real slow burn. So for the sake of this game, I am considering my slow burn to be whatever show drove me fucking crazy yelling at the screen and wanting at least one character to get their fucking shit together. So I am giving it to
I Told Sunset About You
This would probably constitute as a non-traditional option as well, but holy fucking shit the way I needed Teh to figure his shit out, stop being a coward, and just commit. My favorite type of slow burn is the one where the characters are generally aware of what is going on but they have to fight with themselves to get to the end goal. I think that has a tendency to play better than some late in the game romantic realization. The tension that keeps building and building and building only to shatter right before its crescendo is really what does me in. Oh has known he has feeling for Teh for fucking ever and Teh wakes up decently early to the fact that he has feelings for Oh, but then it is still like pulling fucking teeth, while walking through fucking molasses, to get to the finish line where Teh finally asks Oh to be his boyfriend. This show is such a slow burn for me personally that not even the little admission of Teh’s feelings in the hammock, nor the kiss in episode 4 is enough for me to feel like we have reached the end of the slow burn. I think it is my favorite slow burn because where normally an admission or a kiss from the more hesitant person would mark the end of the burn, Teh saying he has feelings for Oh, Teh rubbing up on Oh in episode 3, Teh making out with Oh in episode four, none of those feel like the resolution point in their quest to get together.
BL Romance Trope Ask Game
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We have a terrible plan but it's the best we can do under these circumstances. Let's go get us a ship.
If we're still on the ship when it un-dusks, is that bad for us? Do we know?
Also, Teaks said it was imprisoned in a perpetual storm, but apparently it flickers in and out of reality? That was bugging me when we saw it do that the first time. Is the perpetual storm on the other side of the flicker?
This seems way more complicated than "Angry ghost captain summoned a furious storm." Do we know... anything? I mean, I assume not because it's one of those "If no one lived to tell the tale then who told the tale?" kind of things. If no one's ever been to the Vespertine and come back then no, we don't know anything. How would we?
Imagine signing on to a pirate journey for a specific mission and then being told you can't participate in the one thing you were here to do. They should mutiny. And by mutiny, I mean sneak around behind our backs to come along anyway.
It's what we'd do. With Garl. Specifically.
...Garl over here proudly displaying the scars of my mistakes and meanwhile Patches is over there with perfectly fine eyes covered by two eyepatches and he is not sharing.
There is logic in what the Captain's saying. But I nonetheless can't endorse it because y'all know what we'd be doing in the crew's shoes. Our history speaks for itself.
I dunno. Maybe these pirates are better disciplined than Solstice Warriors are. I thought we were the upstart renegades against proper protocol but Bugraves and Erlina blew us right out of the water in the field of doing what you aren't supposed to. Our disobediences look quaint by comparison.
I guess Moraine isn't a very good indoctrinator. He's been a dismal failure at passing along dogma and shaping belief systems in his students. The Solstice Warriors simply aren't up to the same standards of conformity, blind faith, and rigid structuralism that you so famously find in piracy.
Okay, enough sad reflection. We're on a mission to steal a legendary vessel from a captain with no ownership of it using a magical artifact we no longer possess. Gonna need my game face on because unwarranted confidence is the only asset we have right now.
Ghost ship? More like toast ship amirite?
Look, I was thinking about other stuff, not working on zingers. Point is, we're awesome. What they got? Crusty old bones? Ask Roro how well that went for her!
So what if we lost the coin. We're still going to get the ship. We just have to use Plan B. Don't worry, everybody has a price when the currency is violence.
Oh, I'm ready. I am focused and--
Hold up, if we can control the cycle of night and day, can't we just rewind the clock to the night of the eclipse for another eclipse boost? We have technology in place to do this; Why aren't we using this ability to spam eclipses whenever we--
Oh hey Serai. When did you get here? And where did the pirates go?
...
Oh shit. I mean. WHOA! You were Captain Cliche this WHOLE TIME!? I am both shocked and honored that.... No, sorry, I can't do it.
Same reason you don't call someone out as gay no matter how transparent their glass closet is. I'm a firm believer in identity authoritarianism. You want to present as Mysterious Masked Figure, I'm not gonna stop you.
But now that we're actually having this conversation, yes, everyone already knew.
Don't think of it as losing the macguffin. Think of it as buying a supremely talented chef who will support the ungodly amounts of violence we are about to inflict.
That's okay, your plan was always bad anyway. You should have spent some time at camp talking to Teaks.
Honestly, after our trip to the Dweller's mansion, I'm looking forward to a return to the pleasant simplicity of bashing zombie skulls until they stop moving. Been warming my beatstick in anticipation.
Yeah, we're stupid like that.
Anyway, HANDS IN THE AIR. This is a robb-- Wait, no, that was yesterday. Sorry. Wrong script. Ahem. This is a shipjacking. Still larceny, different genre.
Ha! Success! Now to find out if we die!
Oh, pleasantries! Yeah, nice to meet you. I'm guessing you must be the navigator who wanted a better life? Did they make you captain after the mutiny?
Really should have demanded more than one curse-breaker soulstone from Roro. At the very least, instructions on how to make them would be nice to have, if we're going to keep involving ourselves with every curse on the planet.
Anyways, back to business.
This is a shipjacking. How do you say "Hand 'er over" in pirate curse? In any case, I know it doesn't look like it but Serai is definitely pointing a gun at you right now.
^_^ I'm the gun.
Technically, that only proves that one of us is real. The rest could still be imaginary.
Zale and I are too associated with each other and Serai showed up late in the game. So if one of us is meandering around having hallucinations of companionship, it's probably Garl. This whole thing could be a story he's making up in his head, thinking about the dear friends that were taken from him and who left him alone in childhood.
Probably not, though. I'm sure you're fine, Garl.
We also have a whole fifth person stuffed in his backpack!
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Hortence. I would shake your hand but you're dead, ethereal, and possibly on fire.
In any case, I was already on your side of this argument from before we even met so I'd be happy to beat Stormcaller with a stick until he relents. Then you can retire to the unlife you wanted from the start and/or pass on, and we can take your ship.
Everybody wins. Except Stormcaller. But, y'know, fuck him.
The rest of the crew are brainless undead now. Unfortunate, but convenient. It means we don't need to worry about their opinions of the deal we're making.
Sucks for them. They all died for the Captain's hissy fit, which they were specifically trying to end by getting rid of the little shit. The crew did nothing wrong. They're as much victims of Stormcaller's unreasonable tantrum as Hortence is.
But it's super convenient for us that only one person has any ownership claim to this vessel now, and it's the person who wanted to leave from the start. That will help our shipjacking go super smoothly.
Oh, there's a third option. We buy him out. Everyone has a price when the currency--
Goddammit, I already used that line. I wasted it on you, Serai. Why did I do that? I didn't need to impress you! You already think I'm cool!
Okay. But. Counterpoint. I hit things really, really hard. It's hard to do magic when you're being hit really, really hard. There's a game mechanic for that and everything.
Considering everything that we came from on Wraith Island? Yes. I do feel good about our chances here.
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For the meme, YGO 5 and 17, Mokuba 8 and 9. :D
AHH, I put this in a post instead of answering the ask at first... I think I may need coffee. Or I got caught up in something else in my head. Anyway.
Hey there. Thank you for the ask!
Yu-Gi-Oh!
5) …the scene from it that lives in my head rent free.
Seto’s vision/hallucination of his melting dragon consuming Mokuba and watching himself also rot as his younger self glares at him with hatred is such a haunting and powerful moment, and how it was built to and what it builds up to is haunting and powerful. It’s so vivid and emotional and of the mind and of the heart without words.
Also the Heart Puzzle stuff of which I am a sucker for, which people likely already know. Isolation, emotional detachment from reality, trying to heal the inner child, trying to connect with yourself, trying to pick up the pieces and find sympathy for yourself.
17) …the world-building aspect of the story I have the greatest admiration for.
The themes of abuse and tragedy feel organic and just like part of the characters. You see it reflected in their behaviors and attitudes. It’s not overtly discussed and it’s not used as cute bait or misery bait.
The story is also very… I want to say it can be brutally true to life in a way. Shit happens and there isn’t a good moral behind it. To be clear on this point, I think people are in the right to criticize parts of this as this is a narrative, but other parts… it’s just kind of… I’m not even sure how to put it or if what I’m typing makes any sense. But sometimes you need to see and understand that shared experience of shit happens and there isn’t a good moral behind it.
Mokuba Kaiba
8) …a headcanon I have about this character.
I suppose I’ve included Mokuba collecting original comic book art in a few fanfictions now. I also feel the idea of his biological parents is something Mokuba might approach like a scientist, in contrast to Seto who has pushed them out of his mind in canon likely as a form of denial/pain/grief. Mokuba wouldn’t mind looking up their history if the topic somehow came up to him. He was younger than Seto when their biological father died, and while very young children do also grieve, it’s not as much of a cognizant process for them but rather mainly behavioral it seems (I don’t meant to paint broadly though – it’s going to vary).
9) …which of their relationships I would have cultivated more if it were up to me (both romantic and platonic).
I saw your comment supporting Honda’s quiet concern and loyalty to Mokuba, so that perhaps has a few votes for it now. I feel like I’d be interested in also seeing Mokuba interact more with some of Kaiba’s employees, like Isono or the maid. I feel Mokuba being kind of hot and cold with the main cast in canon is rather rich characterization so I don’t want that changed, although watching him grow into those friendships in time might be nice. Whereas Seto seems exhausted by interacting with people in the standard way, Mokuba seems much more animated by it and thus I feel he will be more social than Seto.
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Canon vs Creepster: Kagami
Canon!Kagami *Bowing gracefully* You have quite the extrodinary outfit. I have a love for western films, watched them all the time back in Japan.
*Kagami Herushingu smiles, surprised at how... calm this girl is to see another version of herself. She tips the hat in response*
Herushingu: Well, thank ya kindly, darlin’! Name’s Herushingu, pleasure to meet ya!
Canon!Kagami: Kagami Tsurugi. I must say, your accent is lovely, yet is quite different from your name. Are you by any chance American?
Herushingu: Yes’m, Born and raised in Texas!
Canon!Kagami: Hmm... how interesting. I don't sense any sort of falsehood about you. Clearly this is the result of some sort of accident. Are you by any chance from an alternate reality?
*Herushingu's eyes widen in surprise. She's right on the money!*
Herushingu: Just precisely, ma’am. Where I’m from, my kin are monster hunters, same as I am ma’self!
Canon!Kagami: Oh! And by monsters, you are referring to more supernatural species? In our world, the only sort of monsters are those who were changed by the villainous Hawk Moth.
*Thinking of the butterfly, Herushingu can't help but snigger a little*
Canon!Kagami: Yes, yes, he looks as stupid as his name.
*Herushingu sobers back up and tells her counterpart about her team and the type of monsters they face*
Herushingu: Exactly right on that front, darlin’! We’re talkin’ real monsters, vampires, phantoms, demons! The kind that live to terrorize the in’cent folk! Not to mention the most vile. Human killers!
Canon!Kagami: What gives one person the right to decide when another’s life should end. It’s just…dishonorable!
Herushingu: S'like my mama says. "Humans are the only 'monsters', because they have no reason to kill."
*Canon!Kagami looks a little jealous and sad that her mother isn't as close to her.*
Canon!Kagami: Does your mother treat you well?
*Herushingu frowns, looking concerned for her counterpart.*
Herushingu: Yeah, she can be a bit rough on the edges sometimes, but we get on just fine! I get the feelin’ ya need someone to talk to, hon.
Canon!Kagami: *Trying to stay strong* I... I try hard to stay strong, in order to make her proud. But sometimes... *voice quivering* I feel as though I am nothing but a disappointment.
*She desperately hold back a sniffle, as Herushingu embraces her, letting the girl sob into her shoulders. It pains her to think of a world where her mama would treat her with such cruelty.*
Herushingu: Here, now, that’s a load’a nonsense! I’ve only just met ya, but so can already tell ya got a fightin’ spirit! The only person who’s standards ya need to live up to are your own, and I’m sure you got plenty to be proud of!
Canon!Kagami: *Sniffing* I... I'm sorry for breaking down. That isn't like me. *Trying to regain composure* I... I suppose I like fencing. I mean... my mother made sure that happened. *Frowning once again* Do... do you like fencing?
Herushingu: (smiles) I do love a good sword-crossin’ every now and again! But if I’m bein’ honest, my trusty guns get me through the most battles!
Canon!Kagami: What is a... gun?
Herushingu: (Blinks a few times) Oh, boy…
Canon!Kagami: *A little bit later* So, do you have heroes you fight alongside? Some sort of team?
Herushingu: (Smiles) Yeah, I got ma partners, Marinette and Adrien.
Canon!Kagami: *Feels a quiver in her stomach once again.* Oh... what are they like?
*Herushingu tells her about their jobs and personalities, and notices Canon!Kagami looking sadder and sadder as she continues*
Herushingu: Well, Marinette’s real spunky, she’s somethin’ of a mad scientist! Sometimes I don’t know what she’s talkin’ about, but it’s cute how excited she gets! And Adrien…well, he’s one of a kind. So sweet, but so lively at the same time! Don’t know what I’d do without em to be honest!
*Canon!Kagami sobs once again. Memories of events from canon are flashing through her mind. Herushingu frowns. What on earth happened between her and her partners in this world?*
Herushingu: What... what's wrong?
Canon!Kagami: It's... it's complicated.
*Herushingu's eyes narrow. Something happened to this girl, and she wants to know what*
Herushingu: Please tell me... if ya want to.
*And she did. She told Herushingu everything that had gone down. All of the highs and lows.... and Herushingu was PISSED*
Herushingu: Darlin’…I don’t even know WHAT to say. They put you through hell emotionally and yet you still stand by em! If they don’t realize how lucky they are to have you in their lives, I may do something I’d regret later!
Canon!Kagami: No... please don't. They're perfect for each other, just not for anyone else. Focus on your own partners, keep taking good care of them.
Herushingu: (Sighs) If you say so, lil lady!
Canon!Kagami: ... Is there any way I can visit you?
Herushingu: Well, here lemme give you my number. I got a few friends who know some witchy stuff, so they should connect across dimensions. Call whenever ya want!
Canon!Kagami: I will, thanks!
And that’s the last of the trio meeting their canon self! I feel that Kagami was done dirty in the show. Not just by Marinette and Adrien, but also with how the writers decided her and FELIX would be a good idea. I may do the villains and classmates as well, but I don’t know yet. Once again thank you to Weeby for assisting with the writing, and make sure to check out the previous crossovers with Marinette and Adrien. Reblog, reply, post and ask to spread the love. @artzychic27 @msweebyness
#kagami tsuguri#kagami#miraculous#miraculous ladybug#marinette salt#adrien salt#kagami sugar#canon vs au#creepsters#creepsters au#tomoe salt
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Do you think Eliza and Ham had a healthy relationship?
I was just reading Hamilton’s letter to his wife dated 8Sept1786 to add this little note to anecdotes of AH’s forgetfulness/carelessness: “I wrote to you My beloved Betsey at Philadelphia; but through mistake brought off the letter with me; which I did not discover till my arrival here.”
But it sort of addresses the question, in 18th century companionate marriage terms:
Happy, however I cannot be, absent from you and my darling little ones. I feel that nothing can ever compensate for the loss of the enjoyments I leave at home, or can ever put my heart at tolerable ease. In the bosom of my family alone must my happiness be sought, and in that of my Betsey is every thing that is charming to me. Would to heaven I were there! Does not your heart re-echo the wish?
In reality my attachments to home disqualify me for either business or pleasure abroad; and the prospect of a detention here for Eight or ten days perhaps a fortnight fills me with an anxiety which will best be conceived by my Betseys own impatience. I am straitened for time & must conclude. I presume this will find you at Albany. Kiss my little ones a thousand times for me. Remember me affectionately to Your Parents, to Peggy, to all. Think of me with as much tenderness as I do of you and we cannot fail to be always happy
Adieu My beloved
A Hamilton
Brief version: my initial reaction is that I don't know how one would go about judging it (by today's standards or the period standards; her "voice" throughout their married years is almost entirely missing, I wrote a post about some of the things we DO know), but let's define "healthy relationship" in the simplest terms:
1) Were they satisfied with each other in the relationship- did whatever they had going on work for them? I think that's a "yes." He seemed satisfied with her: "You are my good genius; of that kind which the ancient Philosophers called a familiar; and you know very well that I am glad to be in every way as familiar as possible with you" (AH to EH, 19Nov1798). And she referred to him as the tenderest, best, virtuous husband, writing stuff about him like this: "I have had a double share of blessings...for such a husband, his spirit is in heaven and his form in the Earth and I am nowhere any part of him is." (EH to Pendleton, 20Sept1804)
2) Does it seem like there was reciprocity? I'd say so - I don't think, from his letters to her, or her letters to others, that he was stepping all over her/taking advantage of her. And he would have been not only a bad husband, but not a gentleman, if he had.
3) Was part of their dynamic to engage in destructive/harmful actions towards others? Could they have rated their satisfaction highly, while a feature of it was unity in causing harm? Other than that they laughed together at the 'poorly written' letters Eliza's friends sent her, I don't think they were causing MORE harm to others within their relationship than any other wealthy white Anglo-American couple of the time period.
Long version: They lived in a time period at nearly polar opposite of how hetero couples are supposed to publicly relate - if today's image is that long-time hetero couples are supposed to barely tolerate each other, couples of that time period were supposed to affirm this deep romance and adoration. Check out my 18th century marriage tag if want to read more, or this on the qualifications for a wife or another post on the responsibilities of a wife.
As I've stated elsewhere (see links above), a lot of AH's language in his letters to EH is period-typical - he's expressing sentiments (and in similar language) that a lot of men expressed to their wives. Being an excellent husband was also a crucial part of being considered a good man, so to the extent that AH felt his honor and character were important - and he most certainly did - he also wanted to be a devoted husband to a happy and satisfied wife who delivered tender proofs of their affection - their children. (They were serious about satisfying their wives - there were pamphlets! - in all the ways one can imagine - a satisfied, happy wife was proof of one’s own masculinity.) To summarize, I don’t necessarily think that just because he wrote to her in a lovey-dovey way that they had a good relationship, but I think we have enough other evidence that whatever they had worked for them, their children, and the functioning of their household and secured them a reputable place in society.
EH played the role of caretaker/helpmate to his genius, providing him not only with the stable home-life he seemed to want - and need - but also supported him through her role in the Republican Court and the social life of Philadelphia and NY. What becomes more interesting is that she also provided him feedback on his writing/speeches, may have transcribed for him (perhaps when he got tired of writing), and copied some of his letters/essays for him. So "Hamilton's genius" was very much a joint venture for both of them, as was their home-life and children, and everything else. In other words, theirs was definitely a partnership. Folks also noted that he was a different person/personality (kinder, gentler, tender, playful) at home, perhaps reflective of the kind of environment EH nurtured.
I have also thought that perhaps he was borderline emotionally dependent on her. There's something about her appearance in his life in winter 1780, when he seems to nearly have his head underwater, where he sort of grasps on to her as some type of salvation (and will cling on for nearly the next quarter of a century). Check out all the times he refers to her as "Angel," a bit unusual for this time period. And he was at times - it's reported by others - anxious when he's apart from her (she's anxious apart from him, too).
The other thing - a bit unusual - is that EH likely had a lot of power in that relationship - he was marrying up, not the other way around, and her family could have crushed him. I wrote this before, but she’s more connected to power than he is. I think that’s something he treasured - being accepted and ensconced in this powerful family. I think he got a thrill over his successful marriage to this Schuyler-van Rensselaer-Livingston scion - again, it demonstrated what a gentleman he was.
Nearly a century later but dealing with some of the same families in NY society, Edith Wharton provides examples of all the subtle ways women wielded power with their husbands, and I think the well-bred and educated Elizabeth Schuyler would have been excellent at that. And we can see from letters how much he left up to her to negotiate and solve all sorts of things.
A few other things that I find striking about their relationship, in the positive:
Other than her laziness in writing to him (and evidence she did write him), they likely were good communicators. I base that on their clear family planning - their children are very well spaced out, and I doubt they practiced abstinence, which means they were likely practitioners of the most common contraceptive activity between married couples at the time, requiring not only discipline but communication. Even deciding to engage in family planning reflects communication of shared goals and plans, etc.
Although he always intended to leave the cabinet position after his goals were accomplished, and wrote GW of his intentions in spring 1793, I think the timing of sending his resignation letter after their child was stillborn in his absence is a good indication that he did prioritize her needs (and felt guilt about it, as he expressed to Angelica S. Church). And then when he leaves, he hunkers down with her and their children for a few months.
Striking things, in the negative:
He either had a lot of influence over her, or she trusted his judgment a lot - though the flip side is that he had established that she could trust his judgment; I don’t see indications that she was naturally gullible. He's very confident (twice!) about arranging a duel and not telling her. The 1795 letter where he notes that he could handle his own family situation without causing distress is interesting.
Of course, there’s the matter of the affair with Maria Reynolds, but I’ve written about that a lot, and that he chose not to just lie to her, but instead pay James Reynolds quite a lot of money, with “I’ll tell Mrs. Hamilton” as the only threat. That’s either very rash or shows he was honestly concerned about how upsetting it might be to her. There has to be some truth to his phrasing at several different points in their lives of not wanting to “hazard [her] esteem” for him or make himself unworthy of her esteem/her love. It is an “inestimable jewel” to him, and he also calls her “a precious jewel.” One can add all of the weight of everything above into one’s reading of that.
#Alexander Hamilton#Elizabeth Schuyler Hamilton#18th century marriage#I'm not a fan of readings of their marriage as cynical#not only because it's certainly not what AH expressed#but because marriage fraud would have reflected a low character and dishonor#and to the extent those things really mattered to him#I don't think he entered his marriage with her from a place of dishonesty#AH was every bit an 18th century man
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are you saying that the only reason anyone should have sex is to procreate? sex is a bonding experience not just for procreation. there are many people in commited relationships who do not want to have children. are they just supposed to abstain from sex for the rest of their lives because it could result in an unwanted pregnancy? not even birth control is 100% effective. at the end of the day we are trying to have an argument using personal beliefs. that has no place in law making because there are way too many different beliefs out there and no consensus on any of it.
I agree that people can and do have sex for all kinds of reasons, but that does not prevent the reproductive function from occurring! You cannot separate the two if you are having heterosexual PIV sex, and we have to be realistic about what contraception can achieve and what it says that we live in a culture that encourages us to value pleasure-based sex over the reality that it introduces a new life. We cannot fool ourselves like this, and we can't ignore that parents have unique responsibilities when it comes to caring for their children. This is why we support community involvement to make sure new parents have support, so that they can tackle that very important role with confidence and resources.
If we do not think we are in a position to be with a partner who will support a family, should we create one, we cannot harm a living being in order to erase what happened. We cannot situationally devalue the lives of the preborn because we would prefer they not exist, and we cannot use the language of "wanted" and "unwanted" to decide which lives hold value. We cannot, on the one hand, punish a murderer for taking two lives if a pregnant woman is killed who planned to have a baby, but wash our hands of it if it wasn't wanted. We cannot defend and advocate for people with disabilities and make sure they are given the tools to succeed while encouraging women to abort when we believe the child will be born with Down syndrome. We cannot demand equality as women if we are willing to dehumanize our children to get it. We cannot shrug and say it's too fraught of an issue, with too many perspectives, when our legal system is set up to protect human life, regardless of whether we, personally, believe an individual deserves that protection. I will firmly argue that this is an issue that brooks no compromise, because it's a totalizing issue that affects us all. I cannot argue for abortion if I am to argue for my own worth. I cannot lie and say that it isn't a big deal to throw away children, the elderly, the poor, the weak. I cannot tell people that it's just a religious view for some people when our secular, scientific age knows how to save children born prematurely ever and ever earlier, challenging the view that even viability is a hard limit. I cannot suppose that a child being dependent on me inside my body is much different than a child being dependent on me to eat, sleep, dress, or learn outside it. In both cases, the state has a role in ensuring that that child is protected from me and any harm I might do to it. If our justice system cannot protect my child's life, what right do I have to demand protection from them? Who says I am wanted? What hope do I have when I am dependent on someone else? How can I trust that society cares about the poor and the marginalized when abortion has been used as a tool to tell them their lives are not worth living?
Abortion is not the foundation of feminism but its antithesis. No human competes with me for the rights we are all due, that we must all protect. No child is an intrusion or inconvenience, predator or parasite. I know--I know--how strongly people feel about this, but the "choice" we are making is not ours to make. We can criticize "choice feminism" for rationalizing the choices that define our bodies by the standards of men, and there is no better example of it than forging ourselves into people who will never inconvenience anyone by insisting on being loved and treasured for who we are and the life we can make. By demanding better choices, instead of being told that abortion is just self-defense, we are truly saying that women and children matter. I cannot demand anything less.
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Okay. I figured I would send it as an ask instead.
I WAS ONLY SPEAKING FACTS. IT WAS WONDERFUL. And I honestly will think about this story for an incredibly long time.
It's so hard not to root for this Hobi, because haven't we all tried to escape our lives one way or another? Some of us are able to find healthy coping mechanisms that will help us accept our reality, but then there are others who can't, and, instead, recede further into themselves. It's not necessarily that they're evil or bad. They just lacked proper growth.
And honestly. OC choosing the toxic behavior, gosh. I was crying to @minttangerines about this--how women can't always find the fortitude to move through it and choose healthier. They're so saturated in toxicity, so used to it, that the idea of something healthy is unfathomable, EVEN IF they ARE with someone healthier. Bad habits are hard to break, and my heart hurts for her because she's been taken advantage of. She's used to this sort of thing, so when Hobi was trying to lower her standards for someone like him--UGH. I want to hug her, and I want to show Hobi that he CAN be better. He's not a tree. He's not rooted in his spot. He just hasn't looked up and realized that there IS a horizon beyond.
The yoongi part was hard, honestly. But again, it's one of the things I absolutely adore about your writing. It's real. And it's happening right now. The fact that you write about it --idk what else to do but keyboard smash LOL
ANYWAY. I'M SO SORRY I'M TALKING YOUR EAR OFF ABOUT THIS (figuratively speaking lmao)
JUST--thank you again for writing something so important. And now I hope I won't dream for the next year LOL
YES YES YES YESS I am gonna cry again because u said it so well 😭
Yes that's exactly what's happening! It's so hard to break the cycle once you've been hurt by someone, survived a toxic relationship/upbringing. I fucking hated how the media gave shit to Rih back in the day for going back to her abuser, it's SO HARD to get out. How many women get out of a bad relationship only to end up in an even worse relationship...and then if you're lucky like y/n and find your own Joon, if you haven't healed yourself, then you're constantly battling your own trauma, being paranoid or expecting the worst. Even though Joon has shown no reason for y/n to distrust him, instead of opening up to him she let all her worries eat her up inside and Hobi used that to his advantage.
Yes yes!! Hobi is relatable in that way and makes you want to root for him, but because of his "powers" he has never faced any kind of accountability for the things he does, not unlike many 'powerful' men. He's developed a god like complex, like dammit hobi do you not see how affected y/n is 😓 he doesn't want to admit it, he just rather escape even further into the dream.
I love talking with u bae 💗💗 lmao noooo I feel you tho after finishing I was like oh god how am I supposed to fall asleep now. 😅😅
#that gif is sf cute omg 🥺🥺🥺 ahh I will carry u on my back we will go where ever u want to 💕#baeimnida#sweet readers 💗💗#sandman hobi being a menace#spring fling 🌼🌸
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I don't think I fully have a conclusion to this yet, but if I don't write this post while the experience is still somewhat fresh in my mind, I never will, so here goes.
I was never *very* fat, let's say. I didn't have the kind of body you probably imagine when you think of plus size afabs (in huge part because plus size models don't actually look like that either and wear padding to achieve the same unrealistic beauty standards just sized up, but that's a discussion for another day.) I've always had narrow hips and bony shoulders, and I put on muscle quite easily, so when I was a kid and still able to exercise, before all my chronic illnesses hit me like a pile of bricks in my late teens, I looked like this: Long, slender limbs sticking out of a rectangular torso with a fat belly and unreasonably massive tits. Even later, I only ever hovered somewhere around the "noticably bigger than average" mark.
I take the time to explain that not as some sort of weird flex or trying to distance myself from the "real" fatties, but to acknowledge that I only ever got a small taste of the fatphobia experience. But still, it was always a thing. I got bullied and mocked for it as a kid, by classmates and family. I was made to hate and feel ashamed of how my body looked, forced onto diets for as long as i can remember. developed at least disordered patterns of eating because of it. I had trouble finding clothing that fit me, especially bras. There was only one store I could find that carried my size and at times in my life i outgrew their sizing too. It ruined my posture, both mechanically, simply because the entire weight of my chest, unsupported by a properly fitting bra, hung from my neck, and indirectly, because I'd slouch to hide it. One time I literally got laughed out of a store by the staff after asking for something in my size.
So I grew up being constantly told, directly to my face by people I knew, and indirectly by media, that I was fat, and that it was a bad thing. and not just by itself, or because of health (though that was certainly often used as an excuse) but specifically because it made me ugly. and as we all know, a girl's greatest failure is to look ugly. I was lucky enough to stumble on body positivity very early, and I moved past that by myself, accepting my body how it was, understanding that beating myself up about how it looked would only lead to more suffering, that dieting doesn't work, and that the road to health cannot be paved by insecurities and shame. it took me half a decade after that to understand why the one part of my body I couldn't make peace with was my chest, despite accepting every other stretch mark and fold, because I simply had dysphoria.
It's a complicated place to live in, psychologically. Big tits are supposed to be hot, but in reality, if they make you look fat, if they don't sit on top of an hourglass figure and aren't pushed up to oblivion all the time, they're just more kilograms of fat you can be made to feel guilty about. You're punished for not being feminine, because you have to be pretty to be feminine, and to be fat is to be ugly. but big tits are supposed to be the compromise you get, feminine by default. you're supposed to appreciate that, but I didn't. I hated it because I don't want to be feminine in the first place because I am not a woman.
I got top surgery last year. Started wearing binders regularly two years before that (and coincidentally lost a lot of weight because I moved to a place where I could stop eating things I'm allergic to). And people's perception of me did change, but not how you'd expect. I wasn't seen as more masculine with a flat chest, at least not by everyone. I'm now seen as skinny, therefore pretty, therefore feminine. People who don't know I got top surgery, or before, didn't know I was binding, tell me how beautiful and feminine I look since I 'lost weight'. Even those who do know, and try to respect that I'm trans don't tell me "wow you look like a boy who's never been to the gym in his entire life", they tell me "you now have the figure of a supermodel" with the feminine suffix in our language.
I was at the thinnest I've been in a long time around my surgery, out of stress and exhaustion, and I've since gained enough weight to surpass what I weighed with my tits then, (because of a bunch of unrelated medical stuff) and yet no one has made a comment on it. Family members who used to point out and criticize every bit of extra fat i'd put on, supposedly because they worried for my health, now don't notice it at all, or even praise the way I look. (This isn't the same, but feels similar to when those same people praised how i look when I lost an unhealthy amount of weight in a short time because I was severely ill.) Strangers on the street look at me differently. Sometimes they call me slurs for gay men, but most often they adress me as ma'am and are nicer than they were when they saw me as fat. "Women's" clothing fits me better than it did before.
skinniness is so strongly weaved into our cultural vision of beauty and beauty is so inseparably tied to femininity, that literally getting masculinizing surgery can make you look more like a woman. Being fat in many ways excludes you from gendered society. Fat men and women both gravitate to neutral t shirts and pants because it's often all they can get that fits them. Fat women are seen as more masculine because society deems them ugly and fat men as more feminine because round, soft bodies are considered 'effeminate' (it's a bit more complicated here since skinny men, as in those that don't have much muscle, are also seen as more feminine, though women so skinny they look angular instead of curvy, as is expected of them, also get told they look like boys. there's many layers to all this.).
Performing any gender to society's satisfaction is harder when you're fat, because neither dresses nor suits are easy to find in those sizes, let alone binders that actually work or, I imagine, gaff underwear. the general image society has of a nonbinary person, while newer, is also usually 'thin to the point of androgyny'. The beauty standards that we are forced to conform to or be ostracised are so rigid, and weight is such a crucial component of them, and we need to talk more about the damaging and often unexpected ways they intersect with queer presentations and trans bodies.
#eating disorder tw#vomit tw#fatphobia#trans#mine.#this is absolutely not me saying i regret top surgery because my mean aunt told me i look thinner btw. I don't regret it for any reason#and if anything part of me likes those reactions too because I am not immune to internalized fatphobia#i need a queue tag
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I'm Exhausted
Day in day out I'm just tired all the time. There is rarely a day when I feel normal. It is a truly rare occasion where I feel like I have energy and I'm able to think clearly. Where I don't feel bogged down or overwhelmed. Where getting up and doing something isn't a battle of the self. When I have a day where I have energy, it's like I breathe better. It's like everything looks clearer. It's like color's look brighter and the world feels more richer. I haven't had a day like that in over six months.
Sometimes I worry about the small things that don't matter. I work in retail and my job entails the care of showrooms. I think about tile and carpet samples and displays. Sometimes I obsess over a missing display to the point where not being able to resolve it means it's something I'm taking home. By that I mean I think about Lisola Wilsonart display I'm missing. I would prefer it leave my mind but there I am 2 a.m. in bed thinking about Lisola from Wilsonart.
Sometimes I worry about the big things almost entirely out of my power. I think about how shitty the economy is. How I feel hopeless about climbing out to meet the standards my parents where able to achieve with no education. How groceries and food is so fucking expensive. How I couldn't get an education anyway because I genuinely don't think I can get through school and work. Forget about student loans. Sometimes my partner makes it seem affording a house is in our ability but the reality is much harsher than that.
Sometimes I worry about the bigger things that are almost entirely out of my power. Our government. The censorship. The tracking of personal data. How everything is being centered around making already wealthy elite assholes into bigger wealthier assholes. People who don't have the capacity to care about the small fries at the bottom of the barrel so far removed from their circle.
I vote and I believe that is all the power I am able to commit to. As little as it is, it is a fundamental right I feel everyone should exercise. And I get frustrated when my peers don't understand that. I argued with a coworker for two hours before she understood what the right to vote means. She's eight years younger than me. She's supposed to be the new hope for our country. And she doesn't believe in voting. I hope I delivered the message more clearer.
I'm overwhelmed with the small drama people expect me to play. I don't play third games I can't read your fucking mind. Just speak to me bluntly and I'll do the same. I don't have the energy to play mind games at work. I want so badly to be able to fit in but I think its just better I don't. I get I stick out from any group I'm put in but if blending in requires me to play mind games I'll pass. I've had to make peace all my life that I can't fit in. So I'll just have to keep making peace with for the rest of my life I won't be able to fit in.
I was abused as a kid. I didn't know it was abuse. It's the quite kind I guess if you can call it that. The kind that isn't always physical but the threat of corporal punishment was always loomed over. And I don't blame my folks. How can I? To them my upbringing was better than theirs. And I guess to some degree maybe it was. I mean I guess at least as shitty as my step dad was he wasn't an abusive alcoholic who laid his hands on everyone in the family. But it's hard to say what he put us through was anything much better.
I was a punching bag for my folks anytime they felt stressed, which was often. I was an emotional punching bag and it was exhausting. It was like living on egg shells. You made a single mistake and it would ruin everything for everyone for the whole day and they'd let you know it was you. I forgot to put towels in the dryer one time. And instead of working around finding a solution, I was the problem. Our day of going out having fun was cancelled. Instead the entire day was focused on how shitty a fucking dumb ass child I was for forgetting to put towels in the dryer at age 14.
I don't know what the worst parts where. It's tied between talking mom out of suicide when I was 16 and being helpless to do so (She's still alive). And having her call me a stupid bitch for not being able to find her socks in the morning. Or her yelling at me for an hour straight about maybe being gay at around 11 years old because I liked drawing digimon. The rest of it I can't really put a clear picture on it.
I was an alcoholic through out my twenties. I drank the pain away as much as I could. Tried to forget as much as I could. I didn't think I was an alcoholic. It was around covid when I made new online friends. They helped point out my drinking was out of control. I started to try quitting. But it was hard. I made an important friend some two years ago and I realized I couldn't remember our conversations because of my drinking habit. I was getting blackout twice a week at that point.
That's when I finally put it down for good. I drink occasionally but not so much anymore. Like once in a blue moon three beers max. I don't enjoy being extremely drunk anymore. It's not a great feeling. It makes me feel violently sick when I drink like that.
I recently found out I might have ADHD or I might be on the spectrum. It's more likely I have ADHD. It would explain a lot of issues I have. I want to get an official diagnosis. It costs a lot of money. Money I can't just spend but at the same time I'd prefer to know. Either way I guess it doesn't make much a difference. I'd just prefer to know I'm a donkey in a world of horses than a really fucked up horse.
I don't know where I was going with this. I just wanted to get some things off my chest. Things that are bothering me. Things that keep me up at all hours of the night. I just want peace. Yell into a nothingness void that's still on the edge of tangibility. Like maybe I can come back to the rant, re-read it and evaluate myself. Evaluate how am I doing later than yesterday.
I'm so fucking tired. What am I doing here? What is this all for? I don't expect answers. I don't think I want answers. I just want to live as simply as I can. If I can live day in day out giving my love where it is needed maybe that's all I need to put out in the world. It's hard for me to look hopeful in a hopeless world but it's better do what is in your power, and ability than it is to quit. To take all the hurts in the world laying down. I'm done taking all the hurts laying down. If I get knocked on my ass again I just need to pick myself up. Do it all over again. It's easy to quit anyone can do that. It's harder to try. It's more worthwhile to try even if there was nothing really gained, at least you gained something small in yourself.
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The Chapter 7 reading on employee responsibilities got me thinking about what a “manager” truly means beyond the title that comes with a higher pay grade.
DesJardins talks about how as a manager, it is crucial to understand that one has a responsibility to various stakeholders – both internal and external. Often times, we get lost in the idea that we only have 1 master to serve – the company; but in reality, we also have a responsibility towards customers, employees, the law, and the community. As someone who is in sales, I’ve always struggled with the push-and-pull of negotiations. Because on one hand, I am supposed to be representing the company to deliver on results but on the other hand, there are moments when I also get stuck putting myself in the shoes of the customer. While I know there is nothing wrong with that mindset because I am a firm believer of “do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you” admittedly, there were times when I felt like I was leaning more towards one stakeholder vs another, particularly customers. However, this chapter gave me a bit more perspective on that personal struggle of mine – I realized that I probably tended to lean towards the customer’s needs because I wanted to portray that I am a business partner they can trust. There are often misconceptions about sales people and while the kind of sales I am doing is not the commission-based one and more of business development, I think I wanted to prove to my customers and to myself that I am trustworthy and I sincerely want to help them grow their business because as the reading highlights, at the core of our responsibilities as a manager lies the fundamental principle of trustworthiness.
Trust is a crucial element in any relationship, be it personal or professional. Whether it's fostering trust with customers by delivering on promises, ensuring the well-being and growth of employees, adhering to legal standards, or contributing positively to the community, trust forms the bedrock upon which all interactions are built. As the saying goes, "Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair." Hence, trust is usually the foundation of a productive and healthy workplace environment. It enables open communication, collaboration, and innovation, which are essential for the success of any business.
Human existence is inherently interdependent, and no one can live a fully self-sufficient life alone. We rely on others for various aspects of our lives, whether it's for goods, services, emotional support, or collaboration. In this interconnected web, trust serves as the adhesive that binds individuals and organizations together, facilitating cooperation and progress. Recognizing this inherent need for trust underscores the significance of upholding trustworthiness in all business endeavors.
Acting ethically and on principle often requires courage, discipline, and willpower. In the fast-paced and competitive business environment, staying true to one's principles can be challenging amidst temptations and pressures to cut corners or compromise values for short-term gains. However, it is precisely in these moments of moral dilemma that the true test of character arises. Virtue ethics advocates for the cultivation of habits and character traits that facilitate ethical decision-making, even in the face of adversity.
It is imperative to recognize that individual responsibility for character development does not exist in isolation. Virtue ethics underscores the significance of moral development and education, emphasizing the profound influence of surroundings in shaping individuals' ethical compass and behavior. This insight imparts a valuable lesson to businesses—they must be conscientious about cultivating a positive and ethical culture. By creating an environment conducive to ethical reflection and growth, organizations can instill a sense of shared values and collective responsibility among their members.
Consideration of responsibilities extends beyond internal dynamics to encompass external stakeholders. Managers are entrusted with the responsibility of balancing the needs and expectations of customers, employees, the law, and the community. This multi-faceted role requires a comprehensive understanding of the ethical implications of decisions and actions. By navigating this intricate web of responsibilities, a manager contributes to the establishment of trust both within and outside the organization.
Reflecting on these ideas, it becomes evident that the ethos of trust and responsibility is not a static concept but a dynamic force shaped by continuous moral development. Organizations that foster a culture of virtue ethics and prioritize the holistic development of their employees contribute to the creation of an ethical and trustworthy business environment.
In conclusion, the interplay between employee responsibilities and trust is a crucial aspect of ethical conduct in business. The role of a manager in today's business landscape transcends mere profitability and encompasses a wide-range of responsibilities to customers, employees, the law, and the community including building trust, upholding ethical standards, and promoting moral development. One’s actions and decisions have a significant impact on others. By embracing these principles, businesses can cultivate a culture of trust, ethical conduct, and responsibility, laying the foundation for sustainable success in the ever-evolving business landscape.
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I am a woman in my late 20s. On paper I am bright, an Oxford graduate with a slew of prestigious qualifications, extracurricular achievements and a fairly successful career. The reality is I just feel pathetic, ignorant and gormless. I’ve got to where I am because I’m adept at analysing and memorising information, while clearly lacking other types of intelligence. I was bullied in school and continue to be bullied in adult life, which to me reinforces how pathetic I am.
I am very physically and socially clumsy, can’t understand body language, have trouble processing what people are saying and take things literally. Six months ago, I was finally diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.
I was passed over for promotion because I was a “pushover” who “couldn’t deal with ambiguity”. I moved jobs because of bullying and am doing well, but it’s because I’ve found a niche. All my life I’ve run away from bullies and I’m constantly beating myself up about my cowardice. I just give people free rein to laugh at me and tear strips out of me. I’ve had therapy and it works while I’m having it, but I just go back to believing I am weak and stupid and deserve to die. I know I’m lucky to have a good job and family that love me, but how can I be happy in myself ?
you sound brilliant overall to me, not just "on paper", if my opinion matters to you. and if you don't see yourself like i do, it's solely due to the fact that we regretfully live in a normative ignorant narrow-minded world where anyone that even remotely strays from the given conventional path/standard will be bullied and ostracized. I'm truly sorry about that. and I'm also sorry about the fact that you got your autism diagnosed so late. it sounds like a lot of the things that you don't like about yourself are actually autistic traits. but those traits are not inherently bad or anything, it's just that you've always unfairly been discriminated on account of them, and over time this pattern of constant mistreatment and disrespect has understandably led you to believe that you and your autism are wrong, when it's actually the neurotypical bullies you should blame. it's THEM who are weak and stupid, certainly not you who did so good and achieved so much despite those dumbasses always standing in your way. i suggest you seek out positive non-stereotypical examples of autistic adults who can show you how cool and smart autistic people can truly be. i wish i had some english-speaking activists to share with you but i sadly only follow italian speaking ones on ig (my first language) 🤦🏻♀️ anyway, learn to see yourself with the same kindness and respect you'd feel for a stranger who displays the same traits you hate about yourself. i suppose it'll be easier snapping out of your self loathing mindframe if you learn to see yourself as any other human being deserving of love and respect on this earth, and not just as a victim of those obnoxious bullies. they don't define you and they don't get to tell you how much you're worth, so don't let them thwart you
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I kid around a lot but I am serious about needing two things for certain: the mountains and the beach. There are several things I want to do in Boone while I'm there and the first is to stop by The Comeback Shack. . Then drive down a few memory lanes.. aka drive around the town - literally - around town- (because it's a circle..) ah I'm actually laughing about this because Iykyk.. but there is one particular street I must drive by. Simply for the fact that it is one of my favorite places in the world now. Its serenity on a sunny day captivated me and made quite an impression on me in my youth. So many years ago.. The trees cast these marvelous shadows against the window shield, and the road winds at a certain angle- and if you drive too fast, or are even remotely distracted- it'll take you straight downhill. I like to think about the value in that all or nothing sort of state.
I put this song here because in 2015 I reconsidered how I was living my life. I listened to RKS all summer. I attempted to reconstruct what my version of reality could look like, if I took other people out of the equation and only committed to myself. It was a profound time for me. I did quite a bit of soul work. Quite a bit of healing. Got invited to a mediation hosted by the very Swamji I dreamed of 6months prior! I did so many things for myself that summer. Just to kind of prove, not only was I capable of the discipline to navigate whatever trajectories the path before me throws me to, but that I was capable of making others see the value in what I would like to bring forth. My first dose of relaxation came in the form of receiving an offer to publish a transcript I submitted. Now, that in itself was an eye opening crash course in "Be in the world, but not of it." . And, "Nothing you do in life is important. . But it is very important that you do it." What I mean by that, I did not want to continue down the path I felt uncomfortable on. So after meditating I only had the same ideas come to me about how to make money while still being completely free and available 24/7. . Cue my anxiety and throw in a little runners high for the motivation to finally summon the courage to submit my work, and bam- I got exactly what I wanted. I got exactly what I wanted and it still did not feel right. Why was that?! It is because, it was what I wanted, but it was just a version of what I wanted. Meaning, I had other options. Many more publishers to shop this around to. Not in an egoic way, like, "I can have any publisher I want!" No. What I am speaking of, is the fact that the we all have choices to make sometimes that will change the entire trajectory of our lives. If something is a little off, it doesn't mean you are supposed to ignore it and expect it to go away. . (It never will) Instead of ignoring the feelings when you recognize something is off, it is much more helpful to ask, what is a better version of this outcome? So for me, I could see myself giving parts of myself away to a publisher that saw something in me. Something enough to give me a chance, right? Right.. but just because one or two or a few people see our value and would like to afford us recognition of our value, we must also be astute to our value. We must know our value well enough to place borders around our standards, but not our potential. I've held off on completely finishing what I think will be a great book. I know one thing; once I get this one going, maybe I can branch out to the collection of children's books. Anyways- I just kind of feel the need to bring the energy full circle and go back to the place that taught me so many things.
Deviating from expressing my gameplan. .
the beach situation has me a little thrown atm. . On a whim I decided myrtle- but like- in that, "I need a beach desperately" kind of way.. that only a place like Myrtle Beach could deliver on.. The thing is, it will be Stella's very first time at the beach. I'd rather take her to like Sullivans Island or Kiawah. Idk.
60day update- after my phone was definitely stolen and then returned I decided I'm not going to get to enjoy my laundry mat day anymore. Although I had to go to Lowe's for a carpet cleaner, and reminded myself to get a belt for the dryer- guess what I did not do while I was there?! So that's great. I will do that tmrw and I will have at least one thing to be accomplished abt. So that and some spray paint for the mini-projects I need to finish- weather permitting. i think, so far, the biggest takeaway I think I've gotten with this challenge, is that things really can change in just a single moment. Not like, an actual single moment- but like, many moments - are are suddenly realized in a moment-
one moment today caused me to reconsider why I am suddenly ready to do things that apparently I have had time for in the past. I'm really spring cleaning right now- everything around me- including myself, my mind, my body- all of it, ya know? .. so I'm really digging here and I have been all year. So I keep having these run ins with the past. Some of it is pleasant. Like, opening a suitcase and seeing old clothes I haven't seen in a while.. that's pleasant. But some other things I run into, are not so pleasant. I like to think I refrain from suppressing much, and that is exactly what allows me to bring forth the proper balance into my life. But sometimes, some things, cause you to recognize something for what it is. Or, what it is not, and never could be. Something is really looking and I cannot make out what it is to save my life. It's so subtle- but something is on the way- and for several months now, I've only been made aware of this because it's energetic signature is so profound, I can't not feel it. Can't not expect it. . I also can not put my finger on it! Honestly I think it's going to be something good, but then when I meditate on what it will be, there is cause for concern. So I'm stranded. The only thing that I'm allowed to know, is that something is on its way. Whichever way it goes, preparing is pivotal in casting a strong foundation- within the mind and within emotions. Mastery of those never sits idle for too long.
I have got to stop being so afraid to make decisions. I say that, and go to employ my decision making skills, and something always goes awry.
I think what usually causes my discomfort is the expression of dismay in someones face when they do not like what I have to say.
this is a lot and I am a lot. There is a lot going on right now. I have a lot of projects in my mind and in reality and I just love that I get this quiet little space here to kind of just dump everything that I am trying to sort out.. or need to sort out .. but don't want to forget to sort out. What I should really be doing is putting my appointments here as a reminder so I don't miss anymore of them!
I guess before my birthday I will schedule that schtupid eye exam and get those schtupid glasses that I swear to God I will either lose or break by way of Stella stealing them, or me dropping them and then stepping on them in my haste to pick them up..
ugh and ah
that's right
I'm repulsed and excited
but mostly sleepy
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I don’t want to bother people. I don’t want to worry people or annoy people or bring down the mood.
But I want to die so fucking bad, and I want to tell someone.
It is getting bad again, and I don’t remember what it was like when it was bad before but I feel like it’s worse this time. Because I know more things, and now it hurts in the context of all of the knowledge and wisdom and experience. I want to self harm but I never do it hard enough I guess. I don’t really leave a mark very often and I fucking want to leave a mark. I don’t do razors but I just want to cut and slice and leave bruises and I want to become an empty shell of a person that doesn’t eat and doesn’t care and isn’t a burden on anyone.
I want to be that person that gets compliments about how I’ve lost so much weight and how I look great but it’s actually extreme malnourishment and it’s actually the drugs and the coffee and it’s actually me destroying myself from the inside and the outside and I very compliment I get just drives me further. And I want to disappear and I want to be the woman that men actually want. I got catcalled at the mall and my only thought now is why doesn’t that happen more. I want to be skinny so I’m acceptable. I want to be high so that I can bear to be here, and I want to stop taking the drugs the doctor prescribes that make me feel like I’m not a person. I will never be someone that is good enough.
I won’t ever be good enough for my parents and I won’t ever be good enough for myself. I’m pathetic and I am cynical and I am fat and unlikable and antisocial and I can’t imagine any man that would ever want me. It’s bad enough that I have trouble with men. I don’t know any good men and my standards are too high, way higher than what I actually deserve. And everything is loud. Too. Fucking loud everyone shut the fuck up please it’s loud and I want quiet and I want dark and I want it to be warm and sunny and quiet and I want to be alone so that I can destroy myself in peace. So that I can lose my grip on reality and no one will be there to pull me back down. Losing religion was supposed to make me understand that I have worth but I have never felt more worthless and finding God will not bring me back from that because he’s just another fucking man. And all of my friends have been depressed and I can’t tell them I want to kill myself because then I will be the one who is weaker than all of them and I will be the burden. And I am already the burden and I’m not just that, I’m worthless and I’m not deserving of any of them. And nothing matters to me anymore. I keep thinking “I’ll just wait until this season of the mandalorian is over.” “I’ll just wait until the trip to Disney world.” “I’ll just wait until graduation.” And then there’s nothing else. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be here. And I don’t even care that my mom will be sad. I can’t be bothered to care. I’m not worth anything. I’m her disappointment. I’m everyone’s disappointment and the only one thing that I can do right is ending in two weeks. There’s nothing left for me and I keep searching for something but then I don’t even care enough to search anymore. Why would I want to get better. I don’t want to get better and I want the bruises to be darker and I want the cuts to draw blood and I want it to be quiet. I want to sleep forever and I don’t want to wake up and I can’t fucking fall asleep because it. Isn’t quiet. And I can’t cry. I can’t even fucking be bothered to cry because why would I cry. I don’t have the energy to cry. It’s not that kind of pain anymore it’s hollow and numb and nauseating. And I can’t stop and I’m not bad enough to get help and I don’t want help and I want help so bad I just want someone to notice and someone to actually care that I want to live. Someone who thinks Ik enough but I’m not enough so why would anyone think that. They wouldn’t. Because that would be stupid. I just want someone to know that I want to die. Put me on suicide watch. Take my razor away from me. Fucking do something or just go away and let me do this to myself
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something about this hit me.
i’ve been thinking ABOUT opening communication and trying to actually hear and accept every part of ours. i’ve been thinking ABOUT stepping back from judgement, loosening my grip a bit, risking difficult emotions reaching out to parts i’ve rejected. but i think I haven’t actually been doing it.
hmm.
I know this is supposed to be hard by design, we're kept separate for mutual protection, and kind of by my role as a host, a somewhat competent face for the system, it has to be hard for me to communicate with the others inside. but I think I've fallen prey to my own mental tricks - thinking ABOUT doing these things, trying to rebuild bridges... but that doesn't mean anything is actually really changed.
to some degree I wonder how much I SHOULD try, or if it's important I don't develop too much awareness. dealing with coming to terms with DID stuff has caused at least one split from me already, which we only realized yesterday, and I think what that MEANS is only really hitting me now.
I know logically but can't entirely comprehend that Mars must have gone though a similar thing back when he was the host. because he realized, then, about others, though I don't think he put the word "DID" to it. he couldn't put together that all of the very evident trauma symptoms/adaptations we've always had must actually be related and there for a reason. it's not like he was too dumb to get it, he just wasn't able to. his job, and mine now since he couldn't do it anymore, WAS to not know that.
I can write those words but I physically can't follow them through logically. I always used to believe I've always had good insight - kind of part of why all the standard therapy we've been though has never worked for us. the part of me that is "me" is more organized than the whole. and the organization is all around NOT understanding myself. I understand the way I decided "I" work and the logic "I" operate under. but in the last months, although it's really hard to come to terms with, I am starting to realize that a lot of what I always believed was an answer I generated to cope with the cognitive dissonance of what seem like the holes in my brain. things I can't remember, things i think I could but can't try, things my brain just slides off of, things where if I get near them I'm bombarded by emotional boulders from all directions...
I'm really trying to accept living with discomfort, an important first step for me has been allowing alters to write what they believe and promise that I will not hide or destroy it - I can almost never read any of it myself but I feel like as a baseline I NEED to be not actively silencing them. but even that, being near words written by my hand but not written by me, is a constant stress.
a big part of who "I" am is needing to get to the most foundational laws on which my understandings of the world are built on, and while in external things I find that a satisfying and even fun process, I can't fucking deal with the idea that there are parts of myself that I can never understand. I used to direct all of this anger towards the "unconscious brain" generally, which as far as I could tell is a mysterious algorithm between me and reality, but I'm realizing that there are parts of this brain space that are living and thinking and conscious that I am just locked off from.
it makes me feel so helpless and small and alone. I can on a very detached logical level acknowledge these things, I can acknowledge alters and memories and barriers, but I can't think about it on any level deeper than holding it away like a hypothetical concept. but I don't want to live either in denial or in falsehood, but I'm scared; if I follow my nature and try to make everything add up, would I be able to still exist?
In October last year, as Mars was waking from dormancy more fully, and out or influencing things enough that I couldn't hide it from myself anymore, I split. I did not realize at the time that's what happened, but I split an alter who is paranoid, delusional, believes herself to be someone who died several years ago (not coincidentally, the same time as Mars went away) and has been dead since then and trapped into some sort of psychological purgatory.
I've been avoiding thinking about it because I thought it was me, talking about it too much tends to trigger that state, which is scary - and I've just realized that I avoid thinking about that in the same way I avoid thinking about other alters and things I'm Not Allowed to think about too much. but even though being me hasn't ever been a safe occupation for this body, I'm genuinely afraid of triggering this part, and I've managed to mostly suppress it for a couple of months, because last time she started packing bags to run away with the intention of dying, because she was so paranoid about people trapping her and trying to make her "forget" the "truth" she knows in her delusions.
and that's what I've been fucking doing, like I do with every part I don't like, every part that doesn't feel enough like me that I can pretend it's just me! I didn't even realize I was doing it but I'm trapping her and trying to make her forget! just like every rational part was trying to get through to her to say wouldn't happen!
it's like all of our fate is to hear the pleading of so many others and not be able to understand a word of any of it. I've figured out I split then because it's quite clean, it's easy to tell whether or not I'm in that specific obsessive-fear state, and whatever side of the divide I'm on it's hard to really remember ever being any different. but I think that's not the only one. I think Crow as a whole was maybe always barely held together, whatever alters were afraid enough of internal rejection to try to assimilate into the Crow personality.
I can feel that what I thought was I is NOT just me, even AFTER learning that there are others (Mars etc). But we're so fucking scared and we can feel the "safe" walls we've built up getting pulled apart and none of us are brave enough to really step apart from the conglomerate and admit to actually being their own person. and I for sure am not fucking going first.
does being the "host" necessarily have to mean being alone?
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