#i can feel myself going into hibernation mode

[elexuscal]

Protective prompt: “He(/she/they) said what to you?!” Murderbot & Pin-Lee. Who’s being protective? Up to you!

When movement triggered outside the door to Pin-Lee's apartment at 3am, local time, a full five days before she was due to return from a planet-side trip, I assumed the worse: i.e. GrayCris or other potentially hostile agent attempting a break-in.

0.2 seconds later-- long enough for me to be on my feet and formulating a response plan-- I registered the figure I was seeing as Pin-Lee herself, and settled back down.

Unexpected, but preferable.

Stil, once she was inside, I asked a message to confirm if she was okay. Pin-Lee waited a worrying long period of time (over five minutes), to respond with a curt 'fine'.

That rung my bullshit meter, but it wasn't any of my business, and also I didn't care. So I wasn't going to ask about it.

And I didn't ask her the next cycle, either, even when she gave my drone this really weird look.

And no. I didn't even ask her three cycles after that, when she ran into me unexpectedly within the halls of the Preservation Alliance government building, and she visibly flinched.

Flinching was fine. I could handle flinching. Flinching was just a thing people did, around SecUnits.

I wasn't going to say anything about it, and I didn't expect her to either.

Three hours later, she sent me a message: [I noticed you turned your drone off.]

I hadn't turned it off. It was in low-power mode. It would fully activate if/when certain key phrases/sounds were detected.

I didn't say anything about that.

Pin-Lee said, [I'm getting the sense I better apologise.]

[For what?] I said, before I could stop myself.

[For flinching like that, when I saw you in the hallway earlier,] she said, and then there was a 7 second pause before her next message. [It's not because I'm scared of you, or anything. I promise.]

[No one said you were.]

My drone was in hibernation, so I couldn't tell if she sighed or not. [I'm just in a weird head-space right now and you surprised me. I flinched and fucked up. Sorry.]

[Okay,] I said.

There was a long enough pause that I thought this conversation was over, and I had gotten back into my book. Then Pin-Lee said, [I got into a fight with my parents.]

[A fight?]

[Well, they called it an 'intervention'.]

[An intervention for what?]

[They said I was bot-drunk.]

They said what? [They said WHAT to you?]

[You heard me.] Pin-Lee stood up and started pacing around her office, which I could see, because I'd turned her drone back on.

Bot-Drunk was a Preservation-specific bit of slang, but most CR languages and cultures had their own equivilents, ranging from 'whales' to 'silicon sluts'. (Gross.) It referred to anyone who got sucked into an obsession with a chat bot, ComfortUnit, or other artificially-constructed personality, coming to view it-- and the supposed relationship attached to it-- as real.

[Wow.]

"They said," Pin-Lee ground out, "that I was working too hard. That I needed a break. Which, okay, fair, maybe I was! But that was why I came down to visit them, like they asked! And then they wait until I'm settled in, and all my childhood friends are there, to say hi, or so I assume. But then I come home one day and they're all gathered in the living room and…" She spluttered in a sort of wordless rage, which man, I kind of wish I could pull off. It looked cathartic.

"And THEN they sit me all down, and they remind me of the AI boyfriend I had when I was twelve, TWELVE. And they say that I'm falling into old traps again. And that they know that 'chat programs can be very convincing', but that 'a layer of fake skin might make you seem more realistic, you still need to keep some perspective on what really matters'…"

[My skin is fake? Could of fooled me.]

"Your emotions, too, apparently," she said, bitterly.

"Huh. Guess I can stop feeling so fucked up about them, then."

She laughed. Then she stopped, abruptly. "I'm sorry. I'm making this all about me."

I shrugged, remembered she couldn't see me, and said, [It's okay.]

"It's not. It's fucked up. It's fucked up that they'd treat you that way, that they'd talk like that to my face."

It was fucked up. But they weren't my family, so I didn't really care.

Except for the way they had very clearly fucked Pin-Lee up, I did. She didn't just look mad; I had seen Pin-Lee mad. Pin-Lee wore anger like armour, or a cape. It made her look distinguished and powerful.

This made her look… bad. It made her skin look blotchy and her eyes look red and her body look shaky.

Okay, yeah. Now I was pissed, actually.

[Want me to go down there? Then they can for themselves just how made-up I am.]

She laughed. It was a long, ugly, bitter laugh. "Don't tempt me, SecUnit. Do not fucking tempt me."

#murderbot diaries #flash fiction #fanfic

[binaryeclipse]

this is not to pressure you or anything, but i am in love with your obikin fics and primarily the reason why i got into the fandom. is My Body Aches To Breathe Your Breath going to see some updates? again, take all the time in the world but i just wanted to ask if they're coming as i read them for the 13th time

The honest answer is not anytime soon, nonny.

My obikin muse is in hibernation I'm sad to say, every time I sit down to write for them nothing comes. Or writing of any kind. I hate leaving it like this because I feel bad. I love that fic too, and leaving it like that for over a year is not something I particularly relish.

But I don't intend to leave it unfinished. I have the whole fic outlined it's just a matter of like... wanting to write again. And if that's not this year then it's not this year. Part of the problem is I've had a rough year mental health wise and it's just hard to write when it's taking most of my effort just looking after myself. The other part of the problem is I am finding a lot of joy in just reading fanfic for once (I don't read fanfic when I'm in writing mode unless a friend wrote it) for new and old fandoms. And I need joy right now.

I appreciate hearing that my fics got you into the fandom! I'm always tickled pink to hear that they've meant something to people as much as they mean to me. And because that fic means a lot to me I do intend to finish it more than any of the others. It just might take a while until I can.

[sparkerinparadise]

i can feel myself going into hibernation mode…… so sleepy

#bee.txt

[exlibrisfangirl]

Two Weeks Post-Op!

It feels like it's flown by... I imagine because I've spent most of it asleep, lol. I've been in full-on hibernation mode, only occasionally emerging from my den (bedroom) to forage for food before going straight back to bed.

My parents were here taking care of me for the first week and a half, and they had to bring the dog with them (which my cat did not like one bit), so it wasn't exactly a quiet or low-stress environment during that time. I'm REALLY grateful for everything they did to help out, but it's nice to have a quiet house and happy cat again!

I hit a massive wall of nerve pain at the start of Week Two. I keep getting electric shock-like pains that shoot up and down my spine and legs, random body parts keep temporarily going numb, and my hands and feet constantly feel like they're on fire. I keep telling myself on repeat that, in this case, the pain is a GOOD sign because it means the nerves in question are not permanently damaged and beginning to wake up and heal. Ouch! Not permanently damaged! OUCH. NOT PERMANENTLY DAMAGED. 😅

I haven't had the energy or strength to do much of anything, but I'm hoping I'll be able to work on some writing over the next month. My post-op appointment is March 21st, and I'm not really allowed to leave the house until then (except for emergencies), so, once I've made it past the hibernation stage, we'll see if I can't get a fic or two finished! 😉

I've unfortunately had some unforseen expenses recently ($400 in vet bills for the cat, plus an indeterminate amount of car stuff), and I could really use some help, as I'm out of work until at least the end of March, and I've only got enough money saved up to pay my regular bills until then. If you are able and willing to donate to my recovery fund, my Venmo is (@)Mellifluity8, my CashApp is $mellifluity8, or you can message me for my PayPal info.

Thank you to everyone who has checked in on me! I appreciate it, even if I can't respond in a timely fashion.

Much love to you, my friends! 💛

#tethered cord syndrome #spinal cord injury #neuropathy #neurogenic bladder #neurogenic bowel #neurosurgery #spinal surgery #ehlers danlos syndrome #hypermobile eds #chronic illness #spoonie problems #personal post #about mel

[nebulousneuroticism]

Today was my last day to prepare for vacation. It didn't go terribly well because I have ruined my sleep schedule again. I slept way too late, hurriedly swung by a restaurant for some food, and then spent the night procrastinating.

I did, eventually, pack some clothes. I also did a tiny bit of cleaning and shaved my face. So I guess it wasn't a complete failure. But I didn't get done what I wanted to at work, and I still have a little packing left to do. I hope I can haul myself out of bed in time to do it tomorrow.

I feel really disorganized and unsettled. I'm not ready to leave. I need to hibernate for three days or so, and then maybe I'll feel mentally prepared to go and do something. But there's no changing the plans I made, and so tomorrow I will have to slam my brain into vacation mode, ready or not.

I don't know. I don't feel good at all.

[manicpixieirl]

june 26, 2023

I didn’t want to write about today, yesterday, or the day before.

I need to acknowledge that if I fully want to capture my experience on this earth, I need to write about the not-so-easy days. I can’t just write about the days I am enjoying life, I have to write about the days that I hate being alive and about the days that are harder than that... I have to write about the complacent days, the numb days,

the survival days.

The days where I can’t feel a damn thing.

I experience a couple of days a month where I am just trying to make it to the next day; I find it hard to want to be alive. These feelings are not always grounded in reality, but they’re real- I am working harder to acknowledge that just because my imbalance is chemical, doesn’t mean it's nonexistent. I also don’t need to explain them away or give them meaning, yet here I sit; trying to intellectualize my feelings of my inconsistent indifference towards life without considering that, maybe, feelings are for feeling and not for intellectualizing.

I have had a week full of survival days. My survival days are not my best days, I mindlessly snack too much or don’t eat at all. I find it hard to leave the walls of my studio apartment; it’s hard to shower, clean, or brush my hair. All of my life-skills go out the window when I am focused on trying to breathe life into myself again, and I can’t even pick up a hairbrush.

I lose the sense of enchantment that the world usually gives me. If there is one perk to being bipolar, it’s that I know the enchantment will return at full volume.

The hardest part about feeling myself enter survival mode is that I know what’s coming - I go from living and experiencing life in full color to being an empty head and a numb body. I guess I thought the lows would stop completely, but I don’t think that’s the point of med-management. I think these lows are supposed to seem more manageable, and today I took out the trash and did some laundry, so I guess it’s working.

I would much rather feel everything than nothing. I hate feeling nothing but I love feeling everything, I know that that too will fade with the antipsychotics. I hope I can remain just as enchanted with the world, just with less lows getting in the way.

More often than not, there is no in between when it comes to feeling everything and feeling nothing. I am constantly up-shifting and down-shifting between the two; either cruising on a moonlit backroad or driving mindlessly in foggy morning traffic on a monotonous freeway.

This week I have felt a whole lot of nothing. It’s been a freeway week.

I am thankful for the city I moved to, for the strangers who make my mindless days more mindful by nodding my way on the street, a simple hello that will carry me from my afternoon walk to bedtime.

I am thankful for my friends who don’t take it personally when I need to hibernate; when I need to learn how to access myself again. I am thankful for a partner who consistently shows up, whether I am seeing life in full color or just surviving it. I am thankful for microwave meals, my cat, and the ability to pick up a book and put my mind elsewhere.

But sometimes it is just so fucking hard to pick up that book, or to peel the plastic off of the container and make a meal. Sometimes it feels like the hardest thing I could do is put on my sneakers and seek out a stranger’s nod on an afternoon walk and sometimes it's even hard to be a good partner when I don’t feel like I can access a single atom of a feeling.

The best thing I have done for myself is let people know. So here I am, letting you know, I am here and sometimes I have a hard time being here. I think there is a big difference between wanting to die and not wanting to be alive - I have experienced wanting to die and this isn't that. It’s just a little disenchantment that will quickly resolve because that is my experience as a human living with Bipolar Disorder on this earth.

I hope the next time you hear from me, I am enchanted again.

[ashtraysystem]

Okay, menstrual cycles + stress is genuinely weird.

I've learned that when I'm Stressed The Hell Out (like I am rn) then I'm more likely to have spotting or menstrual symptoms. Which is not ideal. Cuz I have a presentation tomorrow and I'm the type of person who, when I have my cycle, I can potentially be put out for the day. It used to be longer but bc of having an iud it's definitely not as bad as it used to be. Still sucks, but at least I can exist semi normally.

Anyway, I have a presentation tomorrow that is really important and I'm really stressed about. Like, this is the first presentation I've ever written a fucking script for its that important to me.

I'm just glad I've got most of my shit done. Once I'm done with my video project (due wednesday oh gods) I'll finally be able to Properly Relax. I'll be able to chill, maybe hang out with my partner if they are up for it, and just get some goddamn rest.

I've literally been sleeping so much lately bc my body and mind are finally slowing down with the end of the semester, so I'm starting to hit that recovery hibernation mode.

Maybe I'll write something since I feel shitty and need a bit of a pick me up. Project myself onto characters. Find comfort in them going through the same pain or worse pain than me. force them into angsty situations and situations where someone takes care of them, because that's what my brain likes.

I also wanna add some characters to my sims game. I think it would be fun to have them in the game to interact with, especially since I started putting some of my alters in my game too. well, one of them at least. bc Jeannie really enjoys the sims and the cottagecore kawaii aesthetic she can make of her house.

#rant #vent #ramble #unsanitary mention #menstrual cycle #cycles #menstruation #cole🥾 #viktor💠 #jeannie🍓 #xavier🖋

[bitletsanddrabbles]

WIP Wednesdaaaaaaaaaargh!

On the one hand, it’s not been a bad writing day. Okay, I had to skip a couple of scenes and start poking at something my brain wanted to write (I blame the snow. I’d have probably been able to do word-dragging if there weren’t snow), but I got a good 2k+ which is not bad for a couple of hours work.

On the other hand the more I go the more I feel like this idea is full of more holes than Swiss cheese and even a complete rewrite isn’t going to fix that. Which is a frustrating feel when you’re trying to be productive.

Hopefully it’s just the S.A.D. talking and my body trying to go into hibernation mode. In the meantime, have Thomas listen to Phillip have and existential crisis on @alex51324 ‘ Island.

Phillip took a deep drag, closing his eyes as he did so. Once he’d exhaled, he gave the cigarette a discontent look and asked, “Can’t you afford anything better, now that you’re a journalist?”

Under other circumstances, the question would have rankled, but Phillip had always had a way of asking that sort of thing in a manner that wasn’t offensive. Thomas had never understood it, but now he simply shrugged. “Maybe, but old habits die hard. Besides, I have to feed myself now. I’d rather have a better cut of bacon than a better brand of cigarettes.”

“I suppose…” After a second drag, Phillip set aside the question of Thomas’s cigarettes and asked, “Do you know what I’ve always found ridiculous?” When his only answer was an indistinct noise of denial, he continued, “The fact that people always act like ‘why am I here’ is the greatest philosophical question you can possibly asked.” He smiled, sort of. It was the sort of smile Thomas was familiar with where you turn your lips up at the corners, but it doesn’t mean you’re happy. Generally quite the opposite. “I’ve always known the answer. I’m here to have children, pass on the title, and take care of the estate. That’s it. No more, no less.”

Thomas raised an eyebrow at that, his own lips curling at the edge. “Rather a melodramatic proclamation. I’m sure your parents enjoyed having a child, outside of the rest.”

“No they didn’t,” the other man scoffed. “At least not with each other. I honestly can’t think how the girls and I were conceived, given that my parents could barely stand being in the same room. No, like any good aristocrats, they married for the betterment of the family fortune and the estate, secure in the knowledge that once their duty was done they could do as they pleased.” He shrugged. “Papa didn’t even wait that long. The Countess of Carton’s youngest daughter is a year older than I am.”

“What makes you so certain she’s your sister?” Thomas asked, still skeptical.

The question earned him a knowing look. “I take it you’ve never met the lady.” When Thomas shook his head, Phillip chucked dryly and flicked a bit of ash into a nearby planting. “Never comment on a likeness, you know that. Fortunately I’d learned it before my family and the Earl’s ever crossed paths. A year or two before I might have actually said she looks just like Papa.”

#downton abbey #downton abbey fanfiction #fanfiction of fanfiction #wip wednesday #island of the gays #thomas barrow #duke of crowborough #if i do my job right you will feel sorry for phillip by the end of this #but still want to punch him in the face

[oldguy56-world]

The New Interns

Well I have a problem that I created myself. If you recall last week I said I was going to reward my interns with Crypto. By the time they received it the value for each of them was about 80 cents. They did not appreciate the notion that it is better to give than receive so they walked out en masse. (All of them except Old Hank. When it got cold he went into hibernation mode. He looks so cute sleeping over there in the corner.) This forced me to go find some replacements and after some careful planning and diligence (all in less than a week) I have assembled a new crack team. (Sorry I promised not to use that moniker as two of them are in recovery right now)

I feel it is only fitting to provide a profile for them. There will be no pictures included as several have requested that due to potential outstanding wants and warrants. I promised to honor their wishes.

Toothless Tom. He has the most precious smile but his biggest asset is his ability to lick the flap on envelopes rapidly. If I ever have to mail something he is the man.

Homeless Henry (and I hope I don't confuse his name with Old Hank too often). I met him in the park where I go to feed squirrels. He appeared to be waiting for me. When I arrived he asked for some peanuts (which is appropriate because now that is what he will be paid). He said he knew I would come because the squirrels told him about me. He has some very unique ideas for blogs that will be coming down the road.

John Smith. That's what he said his name was. One of those refusing to have his photo taken. All he asked was if he could sleep on the couch 'for a time'. I did catch him scooping up some of my traitorous hair that sheds all over the condo. I believe he is using it to build a nest. Nice quiet guy.

Ted Toke. He was a brilliant physicist until they started opening up all of those Cannabis shops in the neighborhood. Sees colors and images beyond my spectrum so he will be a source for inspiration.

Wendy Weed. She was a brilliant doctor until she met Ted. They came as a package deal. Between them they are building something in the spare bedroom. They told me not to ask so I won't.

Loincloth Larry. A fine fellow, just don't be behind him when he bends over. My wife made him a pair of shorts but he is wearing them as a hat right now. Felt bad for him because it is getting cold so he is now a part of the team as well.

Cross-eyed Kurt. He likes to type and can keep up with any dictation we throw his way. Any future typos are completely his fault.

If you are wondering why there is only one woman in my new group of eight so am I. Several were asked to join but for some reason when they met the others they fled in tears. One kept saying 'Not again, not again'. With a fresh new team the pressure is on to produce more blogs. Perhaps I should have thought more carefully about this.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: A successful team is one that works well together regardless of their differences. Diversity is an asset.

[my-article-cloud]

What we can learn from the darker days

December 21st is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year and considered to be a time of rebirth for the sun. This time of year, leading up to daylights savings, is hard for so many of us because of the shorter days, the cold, and the innate desire to hibernate vs. do. 

It is easy to feel gloomy and down on ourselves because we experience a decrease in productivity and motivation when the sun goes away so early in the day. 

Be gentle with yourself through this time. Cultivate self-compassion. It’s okay to feel this way. It is also okay to reframe the darkness. Hibernation serves just as much purpose as action. 

This is a season of rest. All that blossomed in the Spring, grew into fullness in the Summer, and was harvested in the Autumn now needs rest and stillness in order to regerminate and prepare for the cycle to begin again.

We asked our therapists at Whole Connection how they like to spend their time during this season and here is what they had to say: 

“Curl up with my fur-babies and watch Making It or Great British Bake Off - two shows that just make me feel good. And, to be honest, I love watching other people be creative and productive when all I want to do is stay in bed and drink hot coffee. Cooking warm and delicious meals for my family and friends, then playing my favorite card game, Nertz, while having a fire going. I’ve also been pouring through some novels by Toni Morrison, Octavia Butler, and Tomi Adeyemi. Putting Queen on at full volume and belting so loud with Freddy Mercury that I almost lose my voice - that’s what it takes for me to clean my house this time of year. I also follow “Nap Ministry” on Instagram and try to take opportunities to rest when I can. Reminding myself that resting is key to my health and well-being and that it is totally okay to have a season of hibernation.”

Picking up a favorite book to read and wrapping up in a fuzzy blanket with m

favorite cup of tea.  Playing Scrabble with a loved one. Covering my house in twinkly lights and candles and watching them flicker against the dark sky. Playing my piano and singing to myself and my cat. Cooking my favorite meal and inviting a good friend over to share it with me

Sitting in front of a fireplace with a book. Playing in the snow with my dog. Enjoying night hikes with friends. Lots of warm cooked meals, soups, stews, and chilis. 

Time in with myself to journal and feel my feels. Go to the gym and pretend like

it’s dark because it’s early in the morning and I’m a badass. Full permission to shamelessly cancel plans and go into introvert mode. Watching my favorite shows (I don’t rewatch Grey’s anatomy YOU rewatch Grey’s anatomy!) Doing a jigsaw puzzle. Learning a new crock pot recipe and prepping it in the morning so I come home to something delicious. Also lots of hot tasty beverages - golden milk lattes, cacao with maple syrup, herbal tea, etc. Bundle up and put on a head-light and headphones for a frosty walk around the neighborhood.

Snuggling with my sons, my dog, and my heating pad while watching independent films in Portuguese, which remind me that we are not alone in both our suffering and our boundless love. Doing extremely intentional brain busting physical therapy exercises and healing my body while listening to Odessa. Wearing summer clothes under my coat, and then peeling off the layers to lose myself in dancing salsa with sweaty salsa peeps. 

Appreciating something that I’ve always taken for granted. Immersing myself in a moment of self-compassion. Sending a sweet, random text to somebody I haven’t connected with in a while. Reserving time to do absolutely nothing. Donating clothes to make room for more thrift store gems. Striking up a conversation with a stranger at the grocery store (bonus points if it’s in the cheese section). Ignoring everyone at the grocery store. Printing out photos of my cats, framing them, and gifting them. Taking a joy ride with the music way up. Reading poetry with a loved one and discussing our thoughts. Moving all the furniture in the living room and dancing with myself. Reminding myself that this life is just a ride.

What are your most restful and rejuvenating activities? How can you relish the darker days? 

We hope this brings you permission to relish, rest, rejuvenate and relax! If you’d like added support during these literal (and maybe also figurative) dark times please reach out to Whole Connection where we can set you up with one of our therapists or provide referrals. Read more.. 

#therapy in boulder co

[lulullia]

Back ✨again✨c:

tl;dr at the end

Yes, this is how mood disorder works. One week I'm working hardcore and drawing and posting all the time and then I disappear for months, because my brain decides that all this productivity is too much and it's time to go into hibernation (read: depression).

And if it's not that, it's my chaotically passionate side that absolutely can't do two things at once that makes me either game all day, write all day, worldbuild all day, draw all day, or code all day – with no room for sharing and socializing (yeah even my friends/family don't hear from me at all in these situations, even my phone is always on airplane and silent mode because I forget to turn it on when I wake up, for weeks).

Anyway! Instead of fighting this, let's just embrace it. I will probably never be able to be consistent at anything, but that doesn't mean I have given up on those things or that I am not producing and making progress.

I will keep coming back and reviving this blog over and over again, because I like sharing what I'm working on, and I'm glad I can do it whenever I feel like it. I think, what I need to do is not force myself to come up with content for the blog, but instead focus on my creative projects and skills, and share that if I have something of value to share.

I will stop trying to make a buffer of posts and scheduling them, even if it might hurt my blog to have periods of inactivity, because that puts pressure on me that by the time the buffer is gone I should have another batch of stuff prepared.

No, that doesn't work with the way I function, so after this lesson learnt, let's try something new: at the end of each day, if I found that I did something worth sharing, I share it there and then. Quick summaries from the top of my head, no friction, no reason to procrastinate.

Let's see if that works c: Until next time,

~ Luli

PS: I want to eventually setup a Ko-Fi. Keyword being "eventually", since of course I have nothing to provide now and I decided to focus on my creative projects first, but I just wanted to leave it out here, I may use it as a sort of newsletter to summarize noteworthy updates… eventually.

tl;dr

My sudden periods of inactivity are due to my mood disorder and chaotically passionate brain.

I'm not gonna fight it anymore, from now on being consistent isn't my goal, instead…

…I'll start posting at the end of every day if I did something worth sharing that day.

Which means I'll be focusing on progressing on my creative projects, not making content for the blog (but that might result in more content for the blog, paradoxally).

#daily log #announcement

[fractallogic]

Hello moving and $$$ bullshit is, as usual, making me incredibly anxious (it’s still going to be fine even if we get ZERO! honeymoon tithings from rich relatives, but oh man is it going to be Rough Going before I get paid, HOPEFULLY with my first installment coming at the beginning of September instead of the end of September (but also probably at the end))

As I calculate it, I will have to drop close to $6K on security deposit and first two months of rent ALONE before I get paid regardless of which property I choose (and gets back to me)

Also moving (at least $4K, $3k of which is reimbursable, at least... but not until Sept 1) (note to self: keep receipts to deduct from taxes)

Also honeymoon (hello rich relatives pls pay for it thanks) (will they also pay for moving costs. Is that something I can put on my registry)

Also whatever other bullshit is happening moneywise, like fucking July’s rent and having to board Artemis for a month (and lol they ONLY TAKE CASH)

MEANWHILE I’m just fucking trying to exist and reassure the member of the household who has actually gotten a paycheck this month that everything is going to be fine AND ALSO reassure myself of that AND ALSO trying to remember other details that I’m forgetting, probably (like contacting the towncar rental place I requested a quote from, and getting the address of our Denver Airbnb from scone, and contacting the other houses that I applied for, among other things)

#I understand but not super appreciative that now is the time dad is encouraging me to pay my own way for things #dad this is like the one time that I CANT #my last paycheck was at the end of may and it was $800. #I am DYING #everything’s gonna be fine. it’s gonna be fine! it’s gonna be fine. #I just need to take a propranolol and go to bed #because I’m also sleep deprived and have a headache so everything feels a million times worse #I’m very sorry scone I am trying to think sexy thoughts but my entire being is on shutdown hibernate mode #and I know that you say it’s fine but I have Trauma about this and it’s ALSO making me anxious #aaaaaaanywaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy #just want to be smooth brain no thoughts #even during my ‘nap’ today I couldn’t sleep because I kept jerking myself awake #I kept dreaming that I was throwing tennis rackets over the fence at the courts in the park #need to get the boy in my bed. but. to cuddle and tell me everything is fine. #I’m trying not to do the Anxiety Shutdown but it is very hard #also wait a minute stepdad said that he and mom would help with honeymoon since they didn’t for the wedding #okay that might be better. I’ll feel better if that can show up in my bank account/registry. #also there may be fewer than 50 people at my wedding which tbh. not bad. #but ugh it’s partly because the mom of a family friend is in hospice and so obviously they no longer know if they can make it #I just want to BE AT the stressful party. make it stop causing me stress please and thank you.

[chanswifey]

Introductions

Jeongin x female!reader

Synopsis: FINALLY getting to meet your boyfriend's band mates

author's note: *taps mic* Is this thing on? Hi. Hello! Look at me showing up like I didn't disappear and neglect this blog for the past 10+ days 😬🤧😖 so sorry for that but once I got into vacation mode *reads hibernation mode* I could not bring myself to write, I was just not in the right headspace and on top of that I got sick for the last five or so days of it so all I did was lay in bed and feel bad for not being productive 😓 even tho I did finish a book and started a new one but I am back on my schedule now so expect me to be more active over here. Special apology to the people that sent me requests, I love you and I'm sorry for taking so long, and now please enjoy this piece of writing that was requested and that I really hope does not suck 🥰

P.s: since the tags are still not working (or so I think, correct me if I'm wrong) I would love if you guys helped me by reblogging not only this but any piece of writing of mine and of other creators that you like to help us spread our work 🥰

2022 © chanswifey — do not repost or translate

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When you started seeing Jeongin and he asked you to keep things private you thought it was all because of the media and of how the fans would react, but what he did not tell you was that he was keeping it a secret from his hyungs as well, not because of you, of course, but to spare his poor ears.

Being the youngest can be really hard, anything he does is either cute or worthy of endless teasing, but with him spending so much time away from you because of schedule he decided it was time to face his hyungs and introduce you to them, this way he could have you around at work and the dorms *wink wink* whenever possible.

Leading up to the day you would get finally introduced to the boys you could tell he was a nervous wreck, you tried your best to calm him down but you lowkey thought it was so cute how much he cared about his hyungs opinions, he will never admit it though.

He had the idea to introduce you to them during dinner after practice and he made sure all of them would show up by agreeing to pay for the food, and because the boys were being suspicious of him for a while now all of them agreed on going and of course, none of them would refuse a free meal.

Jeongin's name pops up on your phone, "text me when you get here" his text says, and on the back of that car you start to get nervous, what is going to happen if they don't like you? Those boys are his family but when he meets you at the entrance of the restaurant with a big yet nervous smile you decided to shove your concerns to the back of your head and just enjoy the evening with your favorite boy.

When you approached in you immediately heard the loud conversation and the laughs, the boys were talking and laughing at something on their phone, most of them still had their hair wet, Jeongin stepped in and asked for everyone's attention.

"Everyone please, be quiet, I want you guys to meet someone", all their little heads turned to you at the same time, they all went silent making your stomach sink a little bit. "This is my girlfriend, please be nice to her". A second of silence followed before they all started cheering and laughing again, you did not expect to get such a warm welcome but you are so grateful that you did, there was a lot of bowing and hugging and "nice to meet you's". Jisung then let it slip that they were suspicious of him being all sneaky at home with his phone, and apparently, he won some money from Changbin over it.

Dinner was really nice, the food was great and before you left with Jeongin for the rest of the night Chan approached the two of you

"Welcome to our little family, we promise to take care of this boy when you are not around if you promise to do the same", he says. Jeongin is blushing and rushing you to leave. "I promise", you answer. He then looks at your boyfriend and pretends to clean a tear from his eye, and goes: "They grow up so fast!", he then turns around to join the other boys.

"Please, let's get out of here!" Jeongin begs, laughing, and the two of you take off walking to find some dessert.

masterlist | request here | what I write

#yang jeongin #jeongin #jeongin headcanon #jeongin imagines #jeongin scenarios #jeongin headcanons #jeongin imagine #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #stray kids headcanon #stray kids #skz imagines #skz headcanon #skz imagine #skz headcanons #skz #jeongin x reader #skz x reader #stray kids x reader

[tossawary]

ehhy! Question. what other media are you into? Like, anime, podcasts, comics, tv. just what things can we poke you about and get responses?

Ohhh, well, firstly, thank you for asking! Secondly, I... kind of made this account to take a step away from other media? I think it was a combination of feeling betrayed by creators, angry fanbases, and just feeling like I’d outgrown those fandoms and needed to move on to something different, but I wasn’t really having fun any more and needed to be more casual with that stuff.

Like, I know that MXTX stuff has its Toxic 1% as much as any fandom, but I haven’t really run into it besides a few unpleasant encounters, and SVSSS had the right flavor of “you just cannot take this story too seriously” and the benefit of being very active but not actually being too big of a fandom.

I haven’t been able to engage with a lot of media lately, honestly. All I do seems to be work, write, and sleep. I’m hoping to read TGCF in late December.

I’ve been watching video game playthroughs recently (so I can experience more video games I’m probably never actually going to play); I’m currently on The Witcher 3 in preparation for Season 2 of the Netflix show, which I’m looking forward to, though I haven’t read the books. I think that I’ll probably end up writing a Witcher AU as a short Moshang one-shot, after I watch S2, because I think it would be fun to compare Moshang to Geraskier.

I’m also looking forward to the Wheel of Time show, though I haven’t read those books either. I like swashbuckling and slightly satirical fantasy, but I don’t read as much of it as I used to. I used to watch a little bit of anime, but not any more. I like animated movies and cartoons, especially fantasy ones, so I’m looking forward to the Critical Role show even though I’m not into D&D.

However, I’m probably just not going to be very active this month, since this blog is more just for my stuff than for reblogs. I’ve hitched myself to NaNoWriMo to get some deadline writing done. I’ve got some real life stuff going on as well, with work and friends. Attempts to poke me ARE appreciated, because I like to be included, but I’m in a little bit of a hibernating bear mode right now, so my response times are going to be bad. Thanks again, though!

#fattyskeleton #ask tossawary #tossawary updates

[revenant-dumpster-fire]

Frog Update

(Feel free to ignore if not interested)

This will probably be the last update for the year, since frogs need to hibernate through the winter in order to survive. (I did not know this, to be honest. It's probably common knowledge to most people, but these are the first frog friends I've ever had.)

While I was rummaging around, trying to set up a small workstation for myself to sand down some shelving units, I found Revenant napping.

He was very, very dark green and very sticky, making me panic thinking he had gone into eternal rest mode. I carefully went to go pick him up and inspect him, just to be surprised when he hopped onto my hand willingly.

He opened his eyes and seemed genuinely at peace with my presence. I got an extra glamor shot since he was being such a friendly guy today.

I went to my mother (who is a local wildlife expert) and she explained that the darkening color, extra stickiness, and lethargy was just a sign that hibernation was coming up. However, she also noted that this frog was strangely docile towards me, something she confessed to being fairly uncommon. She laughed at me when I expressed wholeheartedly that "Revenant isn't like other frogs" and proceeded to explain the mountains of evidence I have supporting this theory.

After a while of Revenant crawling up and down my arm, nabbing the warmth off my skin for each new place he rested, my mom told me to wet down an area they like to hang out and put him back. She insisted he is healthy and well, definitely ready for winter.

The random PVC pipe near the brick wall has always been like a nightclub for these guys, so I sprayed the area down with some much-needed moisture. (Revenant was crawling up and down my arm the whole time, trying to nestle in the corner of my elbow a few times while I hosed down the area.)

Finally, it was time to say farewell to the big guy.

Even though he can't wave, I think Revenant is officially my friend. He seemed to know that I was trying to help.

Can frogs smile?

I guess simulacrums can't either, but it doesn't stop them from trying.

(Go to Next Update~!)

#frog #🐸 #revenant the frog #revenant the frog and co.

[i-could-be-so-much-more]

I’m so lonely man, like even when I’m with people I feel so disconnected, I can barely bring myself to reply to messages, I can literally feel myself going into hibernation mode, and I don’t want to but I can’t stop myself. All I want to do is sleep, but I’m so lonely, and I’m so tired, and I don’t know how to explain this to anyone. And I miss my best friend, and this really selfish part of me is so mad at her for moving away, like I’m not and I get why, but I’m also just so lonely and I miss her. Fuck this man. I’m so tired.

#personal #I just needed a minute to vent a little #lonely #sad #tired #disconnected #ignore if you want #I’m not fussed